#i have actual intrusive thoughts and i can't ever talk about them bc someone would probably call the fucking cops on me or something

[fabulouslygaybean]

if one (1) more person makes a "haha i let the intrusive thoughts win" joke around me when they, like, eat a piece of grass or something, im going to fucking strangle them

#not sorry for this one #i have actual intrusive thoughts and i can't ever talk about them bc someone would probably call the fucking cops on me or something #intrusive thoughts aren't “you should lick this pen” or “you should climb this fence”. those are impulsive thoughts. #my intrusive thoughts are horrible and violent and gory and contain shit that is deeply immoral and also incredibly illegal #and it's like. oh. i can't tell anyone about these ever. ill just have to suffer in silence for the rest of my life. #so it fucking stings to see people joking about eating leaves or some shit and playing it off as intrusive thoughts or some shit

[intrulogical]

shakes you. YOU DON'T GET IT GUYS!!! working through intrusive thoughts is one of the best sasi episodes for how much it reveals about logan and remus and yes i am biased to intrulogical but there is!!!! a reason!!!!

obviously beforehand we just acknowledged remus as one of the people logan debated against throughout the series but no THIS time we have to acknowledge how they're two sides of the same coin!! they r the same kind of character!! there's an implied deeper narrative connection between these two by how much remus KNOWS about logan's vulnerabilities and actively pushes his buttons more than any other side does to get him to snap!!!

to explain, one of the reasons this episode is so important is because we gain the opportunity to learn more about remus as a character. in dwit, we're just introduced to his personality— gruesome, random LOL humor, a bother. but what wtit establishes is how he perceives being viewed as a bother AND how his "random LOL" personality is actually more deliberate than what we thought it is.

one— remus is bothered by being ignored. "you're going to pretend i don't exist so i'm gonna pretend you don't exist" is the BIGGEST evidence of that, coupled with the fact that this sentence exactly mirrors what apparition!nico said to thomas. in fact, the fact that these two match completely proves that what remus is projecting onto thomas through nico isn't just thomas' insecurities but some of remus' as well. this is my first talking point on why i think remus and logan are different sides of the same coin. they are suppressed!!! they are LITERALLY fighting for thomas' attention in the episode.

and they both lose. holy shit guys. they r literally the sides thomas hate the most and they literally both lose and thomas doesn't listen to them and!!! ARE YOU HEARING ME THEY R NARRATIVE MIRRORS!!!!!

and second— i'd love to add that remus is proven to be extremely deliberate. people like to write remus as someone "who does anything he wants for no reason" but that's not the entire story. think of it this way: remus HAS left-field goals and aspirations, but he is extremely committed to fulfilling them, which makes him deliberate. his entire thing in wtit is to bother thomas as much as possible, and he stays COMMITTED to that. he has plans and he thinks and he's smarter than what most people believe. why do you think he had a notepad w all his plans written on it????

again, he IS a mirror to logan, not only in methodology but end goals??? like do you ever wonder what role remus serves as a side. and i mean obviously he's intrusive thoughts and we all hate intrusive thoughts, but in essence, each side believes they are benefiting thomas whether you agree with their methods or not. remus imposes his ideas onto thomas because he believes them to be beneficial. in this situation where thomas is at his lowest, remus actually serves an interesting role of being thomas' alarm clock.

what do i mean by that? what i mean is, so much of the series shows the sides seemingly finding a perfect solution for each predicament they go through. but in reality, thomas going through issues by himself is SUPER unhealthy and unrealistic. remus serves as a reality checker to thomas. the more intrusive thoughts thomas receives in uncontrollable amounts, the more thomas would realize that hey, maybe i SHOULD go see a therapist for my problems.

AGAIN, ANOTHER MIRROR TO LOGAN BC I CAN'T GET ENOUGH. logan is the one who imposes the alarms in wtit to remind thomas to do certain chores. these two are basically cues for thomas to actually RESPOND to his mental health issues, but logan is more solution-based while remus is more emotion-based.

AND THEY R WHAT, STILL NOT LISTENED TO! but the important thing to realize is that, w so many implications about them being mirrors, something is Bound to happen, specifically to logan, that would eventually reach thomas and slap him into reality. remus and logan share the same goal, after all— to be listened to and for thomas to recognize his mental health issues. when remus says "gee logan now you're speaking my language" after logan got mad at him, remus is saying "now you understand why i use emotion as a means of getting other people's attention (and i hope you know who to use that against next time)" AND THAT MAKES ME INSANE. REMUS AND LOGAN R INSANE. they r scary powerful as a tandem and may change the course of thomas' life in the future and PLEASE SEE MY VISION Y'ALL THEY R MIRRORS

#sanders sides #remus sanders #logan sanders #thomas sanders #intrulogical #my analysis #sanders sides meta #long post

[butch-reidentified]

hi, in a post you recently said 'if you're ever questioning if something you're experiencing in a relationship is healthy, please don't hesitate to reach out to me and ask', so i was wondering if this was okay? if not, please ignore and sorry for the convenience. i hope this isn't triggering but it includes bdsm and rape fantasies.

i'm very lucky to be in a relationship with a man who made it clear for day 1 that he wasn't going to hurt me during sex, pretend to force me, or engage with any of that. i used to be big time into bdsm but over the last 10yrs i've been doing more feminist reading and having conversations with others and tried to unpack all of that, which has left me wanting to distance myself from it. i stopped justifying and defending bdsm, stopped engaging with bdsm-content in fiction and stopped watching porn all together. i got more involved with anti-prostitution and porn advocacy too.

the problem is that i'm still engaging with it internally. it's like a switch flips in my head when i'm with my partner and i construct this world where i'm being forced but can't show it. i used to think it was because of prior trauma and i was trying to get a sense of control, but it just feels like i'm using that as an excuse. it's a big thing in the bdsm community to justify it by claiming you're 'working through your trauma' but i was supposed to be past that now. it's been years so i feel like i don't have a good reason to be still doing this.

do you have any advice? once again, thank you.

I'm glad you asked! it wasn't exactly what I was talking about in the post - more internal rather than interpersonal - but I actually can relate in a sense. my wife tells me that sometimes when I get super stoned (which I rarely do tbf), I talk about wanting some fucked up things. I definitely THINK about some fucked up things. I'm quite far out from any posttraumatic mental effects, so I also don't feel that that explains it, and I'm fairly sure I had some questionable fantasies prior to my traumas, too. i wouldn't call it kink, though, bc they're not inherently tied to sex nor arousing to me on their own. I think I like violence and adrenaline and always have, and I don't really care which direction the violence goes, I just find it fun. but that's not a "need," as men would have you believe. it's just a quirk of my personality, and while I choose not to engage with it outwardly (I don't start unnecessary fights but I don't shy away either), I also refuse to make myself ashamed by it. there is no such thing as a thought crime. your stances against prostitution, porn, and, yes, bdsm as well, are not compromised or hypocritical because you have those thoughts. let them be, observe them, and release them as feels right to you. i think the idea that we must analyze such things to death is rather Christian in nature and likely in origin: the idea that our thoughts and desires can be sinful themselves, or that they speak to who we "really" are. I think that's a load of shit. I don't believe anyone who would claim to have never thought (or even desired!) some really unhinged shit. humans are weird! I'm glad I have someone I can tell all my unhinged thoughts to without judgment, but none of it means I'd ever act on such things.

tldr, we all have some out of pocket thoughts (beyond just intrusive thoughts, to be clear!) and I don't believe there's anything wrong with that on its own, nor are we obligated to explain them

I don't expect everyone to agree with this, but it is where I stand on the matter

#mine #ask #anon ask #anon

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi!!

I hope you don't mind me reaching out, but my mind's in a whirl and I'm wondering if I'm a system, and you seem like a great place to ask questions.

So. Long story short, I've intermittently preferred plural pronouns ever since I found out about them (ie. like the royal we). They just feel lot more natural. And I've dealt with a lot of trauma and dissociation growing up bc trans, only recently remembering a bunch of stuff from childhood. Like growing up, I felt like a different person whenever I did trans stuff, cause that made it easier to forget.

And I've dissociated like hell plenty of times where I'll just be trapped in my mind with my body on autopilot, doing it's own thing, cause I'm just dealing with something so big and bad I can't be there.

And I've always talked to myself in my head to like talk myself through stuff. Like full on conversations with another voice that I don't really control, and if I do control it, it feels very forced and wrong. But it feels echoey. Like I'm saying it first and just parroting it back to myself with a different voice on top. And I've never really thought about it to much.

But I've recently come across a lot of plural content and've started thinking about all of it in a new light. And so I've been reading a lot of stuff, trying to do research, except I don't know enough to even know if what I'm reading applies. And I'm being really cautious about it cause I don't want to accidentally create someone if they weren't there already, cause I mean I don't want to go around snatching up diagnoses for fun cause that feels like just asking for trouble.

But a lot of the content I've been seeing is saying to be more gentle and to try and talk to them. And so I tried to reach out the other night and started talking with a girl named Mary and she's like really mother-y and patient and wants me to take care of myself. And I've been casually chatting with her since then. And she says she's been around for a long time to help take care of me and I don't really think I can deny that I'm part of a system now.

(I've also talked to other voices over the years, but never tried to contact them. I always thought of them as me talking to myself, and would do the mental equivalent of shouting at them if they wouldn't be quiet after I was done "talking to myself", sort of like trying to get rid of intrusive thoughts.)

And I'm sorry for dumping all this on you but I'm to nervous to tell anybody irl until I'm like certain. But I guess the big question this all comes to is does this sound like a system to you??? Am I just making this all up??? And on top of that, what does it feel like to share a head with someone??? And what does it feel like when someone else is fronting?? How do you front? And how do I let myself let go of my iron fist on the body? Taking it from my body to our body?

Hi there!

That sounds a lot like system stuff to me. Actually, I wrote an article about how to know if an "imaginary friend" is sentient, and what you're describing when you talk about the voice feeling wrong when you try to control it... that's literally my final test...

I ask that people try to control their potential headmate in some way to find out how it feels. So in my book, you already passed that test.

And if you have to mentally scream at the other people in your head to make them pipe down, then it's safe to say you're probably not making them up.

But it feels echoey. Like I'm saying it first and just parroting it back to myself with a different voice on top.

I would like to propose an alternative explanation here.

I bet that when you are speaking to somebody aloud, you plan out what you're going to say to them before you say it.

Now... imagine if you shared a brain with somebody. Each individual in the brain might have "loud thoughts" which are them actually speaking in ways intended to be heard. They might also have "quiet thoughts" which are the equivalent to thinking of what you're going to say before you say it. The reason it might feel echoey could be because they're thinking first, and you hear those quiet thoughts, before they speak to you with their loud thoughts.

I also think it's pretty common for systems to interpret different headmates as different genders. You might want to explore that a bit more, and see if "your" feelings towards things changed while exploring different gender identities.

Sharing a head with someone is... a little different for everyone. I think common themes though include things like hearing each other's voices internally in a way that's similar to your own inner monologue but distinct.

But it's not just the voices. It's often their thoughts and feelings too.

We can often sense when a headmate is happy or upset. And while those emotions are in our brain, we generally recognize them as belonging to somebody else. Except there's often bleedover too. So someone who isn't fronting being upset will cause the fronter to be miserable.

Have you ever asked the voice you talk to about itself to see what happens? Like, does it have a name? Does it want a name? Does it have different feelings towards people in your life that are distinct from your own? Does it remember things about your past differently than you do?

As for when someone else is fronting, it depends a lot on how conscious you are. If you're co-con, it might be like being aware of your body while it moves almost as if on autopilot. You know someone else is in the pilot seat, and you don't really feel connected to the body.

If you completely dissociate, you may not be aware of anything going on while it's happening, and only become aware of what's happened while you were gone after the fact when you switch in again. And that switch back to front may be a little disorienting while you readjust.

At least, that's how things work for us. Again, every system is different.

On letting go of the body, it may take time and I might advise you to not rush it. Discovering your system can be a bit jarring, and you don't need to do everything all at once. For now, just try talking to your voices and asking them questions, and pay very close attention to how they feel while you do.

Hope that helps! Have a wonderful day! And if you don't mind, wish Mary and the other voice a wonderful day from me too! 💖💖💖

#plural #pluralgang #plurality #endogenic #multiplicity #pro endogenic #pro endo #endo safe #plural system #endogenic system #systems #imaginary friend #imaginary friends #actually plural #sysblr #system stuff

[myersobsession]

Human! Michael myers hcs (based on my au)

so i think human! michael prob ends up attracting a lot of girls, as seen in one of the movies a girl on the radio's actually attracted to him lol (it's cuz he's so "mysterious" so i'd think he'd have the same charm here)

i also think human michael had average grades in hs, like c's n all

alot of people think he's attractive, but are too intimidated to talk to him, and thinks it sucks he has no personality

if u think he talks here ur WRONGGG!!! i like to think he's selectively mute. but the chances he speaks to anyone is 0 to 0. (i'm sorry but it irks me when people make him speak)

tbh, i feel like michael doesn't rlly gaf abt his other family members or anyone at all in general hes kind of js in his little headspace

with laurie/cynthia he might disapprove of her having a bf, or he'll js not gaf.

he's aroace, he just doesn't know it. i like to think michael doesn't see gender and just sees people for what they are- meat and flesh but he doesn't terrorize him like his counterpart.

michael was probably compared to the other kids his age when he was younger, but didn't care

when he was younger, people thought he was a sociopath because of his lack of empathy and care for others. (he is)

he had therapy once, and that's how he met Dr. loomis. it didn't go well since he remained unresponsive. michael isn't all into the thought of telling a stranger ur problems lol

michael had no friends growing up, bc of how intimidating he came off, some kids also thought he was strange

people always thinks he's upset or mad at someone or something because of his facial expression 24/7 (it's his normal face)

he's autistic,,, he does fixate on people (otherwise known as his obsessions) that eventually transfers, his lack of empathy, the non verbalism

michael's very smart and strategic, generally speaking. he just doesn't present it around people as much so people think he's harmless or just dumb

when he was younger, he did hurt animals but it never reached to the extent of hurting people. he eventually grew out of it when he became a teenager

the only way he ever expressed himself as a child was because of his drawings as a kid. he used to draw disturbing things time to time though, because of his thoughts troubling him. it kind of served as an outlet or a physical manifestation of the things he thought

he does have dark thoughts/intrusive thoughts but doesn't act them out.

alike his counterpart, he probably did get thoughts about killing judith but like i said, didn't act them out!!

alot of people think michael's a cat person but personally i don't. generally speaking i think he doesn't like house pets at all, he thinks they're excess (too loud and too much work to take care of) however he wouldn't mind cats as much as dogs since they aren't as loud and occasionally clean themselves.

as a kid, he was left in a daycare, or occasionally judith had to watch after him, but she never did. he was left at a daycare sometimes because his parents would work so late.

he still doesn't like judith. even as adults they don't get along. he thinks she's annoying lol

i like to think his parents got him alot of clown themed toys, such as a jack in the box and etc bc they thought he liked clowns

michael used to use judith's and their mothers makeup for his drawings, or would go to judith's room to steal any crayons or coloring supplies she'd probably have.

michael's a stay at home guy, going out is too draining tbh :(

he doesn't like family dinners either. he's not very fond of his family (even as a kid)

when michael's older he becomes a mechanic.. i like to think it would js stay true to his counterpart with the coveralls n all, + i can't imagine him being a bigshot doctor or something. he js does something basic

he's very careless when it comes to his job, though. which is why his eye is still scarred lol

he has a huge pain tolerance though. he probably got hurt alot as a kid and can just brush it off. most he'll do in reaction to being wounded is getting irked because his actions are limited to an extent

michael's a very messy eater. even though he may be more civilized here, he won't hesitate to eat his food, hands on. (he knows how to use utensils, he just thinks it's tedious.)

that's it guys, lolsies!!! i have alot more to rant about him but this is all for now lolll

#halloween 1978 #1978 michael myers #michael myers #slasher #horror #rant post #my writing

[excaive]

Do we know anything about KJ's family at all? I don't remember seeing anything about you ever mentioning them, and the stuff of them younger that we've seen they don't seem like... they would be the most present people? At the very least, KJ doesn't seem like the type to have had the most stable childhood.

Well this is extremely telling about me, but like none of my ocs have had stable childhoods and the stuff I have written about their childhoods are just simple skeletons to give myself an idea of how they end up in the present and connect with and relate to each other - and the majority of them don't have any contact with their parents if they aren't straight up dead lol

I haven't really written down anything about KJ's past or status with relatives, but they grew up emotionally neglected and felt very alienated from others bc of ocd and intrusive thoughts which just translated into off-putting behavior to others, so for a long time KJ tried really hard to act normal so they could hang out with others bc they had a really strong desire to be with others and make people laugh, but as a result of supressing their own emotions in favor of being able to hang out with other people, they ended up with a lot of self-loathing because of their ocd bc if they didn't act odd to begin with they would've been able to make friends - and even when they end up as the eccentric freak they are in the present who doesn't supress their behavior to be palatable to others and have plenty of friends;

their self-loathing is still very much there. and despite having many friends who they care about a lot and make laugh and generally just have a ton of fun together, KJ is incapable of letting anyone in close to care about them back and they put a lot of effort into distracting people from the fact they don't actually know anything about KJ even if they've been friends for a long time. KJ avoids giving opportunity for anyone to express worry or care about them bc if you think KJ is anything but fine and dandy and want to be there for them, they'll take that as pity and they get kind of a visceral reaction to that and if you're unlucky enough, they'll act hostile enough for you to never want to interact with them again </3

but yeah, KJ doesn't have any prior experience with it being fine talking about how they actually feel or had anyone who were capable of teaching them that talking about feelings is okay and it is very much connected to them suppressing their behavior to act normal so ppl would not actively avoid them for being weird growing up.

(also just to clarify I'm talking about KJ prior and within the timeframe of the main story of Black Orbit. I've been posting about KJ and Roger post-story recently where they are dating, so like enough stuff happened for KJ to be able to be in a place to be vulnerable enough to have that type of relationship with someone)

That said, KJ probably still has contact with their mom and loves her a lot and she cares about them, but like for various reasons while growing up she was lacking in being able to be there emotionally for KJ - everything else was not bad, but also not great, y'know?

I don't talk about ocs' parents a lot bc it's not really relevant to them in the present or in the story. I know I've mentioned Cass' mom before briefly but also if you end up wondering why I never mention any of my ocs' dads that's because I can't write shit about a relationship I don't know anything about lol

#ask #killjoye

[avoidantarlo]

borrowing arlo's account bc I'm also an avpd + ocd holder and I'm doing Bad.

I'm seriously resisting the urge to uninstall everything and not talk to anyone except our sp. we've been attempting to make new friends and we thought we were doing a bit better, but then we got a text from someone we didn't even know we were avoiding (because they used to run a team we now currently run and have been avoiding for months) and I've been trying to manage the fucking guilt and embarrassment about our reaction since.

also, learning that fucking hazbin hotel of all things is a moral ocd trigger fucking sucks! it's literally everywhere, but we also have friends who hate it with a passion and somehow that turned into us getting intrusive thoughts and urges to get into it specifically to prove that we're a horrible person??? even though people who enjoy it aren't inherently bad people just for liking hazbin. it's just so dumb and I'm miserable. I can't avoid it bc we encounter it irl, but I can't ask ppl to stop talking about it without feeling embarrassed bc it's so. 2020 discord mile long blacklist core. idk how to explain that but I'll be embarrassed anyways.

this is kind of disorganized but I genuinely can't sleep because I keep getting intrusive thoughts and I'm struggling to distract myself by listening to YouTube videos to sleep. I don't know I'm just. eugh.

I just don't want to exist. I genuinely think our system would be better off if I just wasn't here to make us miserable. I know that logically, in needed to manage these emotions and get them out of the way so the rest of us can function a bit better, but I genuinely think we'd be better off if I just didn't exist. we wouldn't have to deal with this at all if I wasn't here to bring us all down.

I wish everything didn't make me feel guilty. I wish I could actually enjoy having a friend over right now, but no. instead I have to feel guilty for talking to them, then feel guilty when I'm not talking to them. I feel guilty anyways because I'm just so inherently bad and horrible and they haven't seen it yet, and I just want to never talk to them again just so they don't ever have to see how gross and embarrassing I am.

I know I'll be fine in the morning, I just gotta get these unfiltered thoughts out first 👍

#vent post #tw vent #vent

[literallyexploding]

(long ass) vent post

you really can't win with a lot of people fr bc they're gonna say you're faking mental illness if you act like you're ok but if you act any other type of way you're annoying and off-putting

also like idk I'm not TRYING to be miserable and things suck a lot less if you at least act like you're enjoying them but that doesn't mean Im doing well if I say I'm not

and these fuckers are gonna literally cancel me if I ever mention anything I'm thinking beyond the most vague allusions to a depressive aura. like people be like asking me questions about this shit and then getting mad at the answer like don't ask people about their trauma/bipolar/ocd/anything if you're not in a place to hear about it

"what are intrusive thoughts?"

oh they're whatever is the most evil and frightening to you and you kinda just get pop up ads for that shit all day

"ok well what ones do you have?"

and I start with light ones and they ask what other ones I have bc they don't sound that bad but then they get mad and don't wanna talk to you when you tell them the worse ones because no one listens to the part about it being the WORST THING YOUR BRAIN CAN CONJURE UP like bro I don't WANT to think about and see that shit all day it's INTRUSIVE and a DISORDER and I'm upset by it I'm not like wow! I really enjoy this live footage of my auto-disembowelment 20 times a day! this is my sexual fantasy! I didn't want to go to sleep tonight anyway I just wanted to think about this!

so few people actually understand me on any level and it sucks honestly it really feels as if no one really gets it sometimes and it's so isolating to be weird even to the weird people it's like I'm the wrong type of weird. like y'all like to joke about being weird off-putting delulu schizo autistic whatever the fuck i don't think some of you get that it sucks and it hurts to experience those things

it hurts every time someone asks if I'm a school shooter or gonna go off the rails or a sociopath or whatever else. everyone is scared of me no matter what I do to my appearance and how I try to act and it makes it so hard to meet people when you have to do all the approaching and leg work because no one wants to try to get to know you. Contrary to popular belief I do have feelings and empathy and sympathy it's just really hard for me to show it in a neurotypical emotional way I tend to just say how I feel rather than show it.

I have pretty thick skin and generally think it's funny to get insulted and DC whatever secretly enjoy it even but the one thing that really still hurts is knowing that people genuinely think I would ever hurt or kill someone on purpose. all I've heard from people my whole life is "I used to be so scared of you but you're actually nice!" which is usually meant well but idk it feels so backhanded after you've heard that you're "actually nice" 30 times because it's a huge shock. and the school shooter shit is just ridiculous honestly like what is your evidence here? that I dress in black and I'm not your sexy goth mommy I'm a little bit awkward and have unconventional interests? bc none of that makes you evil like at all

my friends being my friends ofc say I'm not super awkward and cold but the reality of it is that's how I come across to a large amount of people that I interact with especially with strangers and large settings and it doesn't help to look emo or whatever but one thing I'm not compromising on anymore is my appearance. people didnt treat me much better when I was somewhat within the guidelines of Christian womanhood like sure they called me pretty and hot but it's not like I had any more friends or a better life or more respect. I still scared most people bc nothing about me actually changed. like at least now I wear clothes I feel more confident in. imma look like this and those homophobic hating ass mfrs standing on the street yelling can eat my ass about it

the end (here's an Easter egg for reading this far)

#vent post #TW Vent #vent

[warm-starlight]

Hello! I'm wishing you a good day and less hateful anons lol

Um, I would like to talk a bit about how it's a little problematic to interpret Levi as having ocd. Disclaimer: it's ok to hc ig, but to an extend.

I believe that most likely people who say he has ocd have a pop culture understanding of what the mental illness actually is and take a somewhat detective monk approach to it? Even in that show though it was shown as a much deeper issue than just obsessed with cleanliness.

As a person who suffered from years bc of ocd I have to say that first of all, not everyone has the same symptoms. Rituals and intrusive thoughts are a big part but also anxiety, depression, and stuff that are trigerring to mention here and traumatic to deal with that your own brain literally tortures you with. Levi apart from insomnia hasn't shown much that can indicate to an actual mental illness.

And when I say rituals I mean: have to press this button exactly fifteen times otherwise there will be dire consequences that your mind makes up, I have to organise everything to a T bc it is driving me crazy to the point I can't function if I don't, I have to step inside the lines of the pavement and touch every pole I pass etc. Levi hasn't expressed such tendencies.

Yes, he's a clean freak but it's not crippling his everyday life in any way. And yes, not everyone has such severe case but if yams really intended for him to have ocd he would touch upon more on these. Using his cleaning tendencies to justify it is wrong... And more so to justify his interactions with others? Yes, I'm referring to people who think Levi is repulsed by Hange bc of that. Newsflash, if Levi had such a case of ocd to the point of not standing to touch someone it wouldnt stop on hange (who's not nearly as unhygienic as you all make them to be), he wouldnt be able to touch anyone bc of the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts. It would be dysphoric to do so with everyone not just one person. And most of all, he wouldnt be able to do his job with such symptoms. If you get to the point of not touching and obssesively scrubing dirt then you can't do the work the sc does. They getting constantly dirty, bloody, sweating etc. He wouldnt be able to function in that enviroment, it'd be crippling.

And while he really likes his personal space he's never shown such dysphoria from being touch or touching others.

Stop blowing up the whole clean freak thing in general? You're sterotyping a character the same way mikasa is only there to obsess over "ereh", Hange is the shallow comic relief mad scientist and Erwin is the mastermind genius idol. These are just some recognizable characteristics not their main ones or the only ones.

That's like saying Hermione should be a ravenclaw and not a gryffindor bc she loves reading and is arguably a nerd.

Anyways, I mostly dealt with the intrusive thoughts part and less the scrubing myself clean but, as someone who feels certain dysphoria from the simple task of putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher and have to wear gloves to do so and frequently wash my hands bc I don't like how they feel, I feel confident saying Levi doesn't have ocd.

Stop promoting harmful stereotypes to justify a ship. If you do have ocd and feel comfortable in relating to Levi for whatever reason then you do you and I wish you all the best but, if you hc for your personal agenda of promoting a ship please don't???

Thank you so much for sharing!

I think i only ever saw one character with OCD and that was dr. Kevin Casey from the Scrubs series. I thought the portral of him was accurate.

We can HC Levi having depression, severe insomnia and PTSD episodes because of the life he led, but OCD is a complex of very specific symptoms and a person who is more tidy than others and simply finds blood gross doesn't exactly fit the description.

#snk #aot #levi ackerman #levi #rivai #anonymous #tw: ocd #tw: mental illness

[imma-potatoo]

Blond Janus Darkside Headcanons

I noticed how I haven't written down any info on the dark sides (Wrath, Apathy, Depression, Remus and pre-AA Virgil). More will be added.

Masterpost

Taglist:

@mother-snake, @writerstrashbin, @psychedelicships, @cryptidwriterdotcom (ask to be removed or added)

Wrath

Leader of the dark sides

Can induce a blind rage

When the rage is happening the recipient cannot control what they say or do and react simply on their first thought

The rage becomes stronger the more angry the person becomes

Wrath can't bring someone out of the rage. He can induce it but the person has to come out of it themselves

He has almost no control of Apathy because of that due to his lack of emotion

Likes to wear a partial suit. Finds that the coat is restricting and makes more complex movements hard

Still owns the coat. Just never wears it.

Symbol is tattooed on his left wrist

Orange and black color scheme. Like this:

Immediate reaction to almost anything is to yell.

Loves huge parties

If he's going to make a point, he makes it loud and clear. Often in front of other people so they can see what happens if you step out of line

Rules the dark sides more like a dictatorship then a family or of equel footing

Believes that they have to bend Thomas to their will and that the light sides are complete fools who will only destroy Thomas life

Wants Thomas to take what he wants and not to worry about who he leaves behind

If Thomas has to kill a politician to get what he wants? Sure go ahead. As long as he gets what he wants

When angry, Wrath is ruthless

He'll take your deepest fear and taunt you with it until you snap under the strain and comply to his every whim

He refuses to take no for an answer

Because of his hatred for the lights; he takes it out on Janus

He's big on public humiliation

If Janus would step out of line; well, he doesn't need all of those scales does he? He's sure Apathy would love to see the reactions if you rip some off

To aid in the control of the others; Wrath has complete control over the food supply

When the others are listening and followings orders. Good, they get to eat properly

When they don't? Your options are moldy bread or cheese that has been out in the open for about a month.

Him and Apathy eat like kings while the others decide between food poisoning and starvation

Likes to take words of affection and make them have a negative meaning (ex: the word Love.) after beating the hell out of someone, he would make them look directly in his eyes and says that he loves them... And he makes them say it back

He hates it when the others cry

Says that they're doing it for attention and that they should shut the fuck up

Apathy

Second in command

Can nullify peoples emotions. Leaving them feeling like an empty shell. The effects normally break after an hour

If Apathy knows your name he can control you like a puppet

White and black outfit. White shirt with black suspenders and pants.

Doesn't show where he keeps his symbol (its on his right ankle, its more like a tattoo then a patch)

Has a deep obsession with fire

Owns a zippo (a lighter that flips open)

Often feels empty due to his function. The fire makes him feel warm, feel more human (as human as the sides can be anyway)

Doesn't quite understand emotion. He understands the basics of it (cry = sad, laugh = hqppy, yell = angry.) but the more complex reactions confuse the hell out of him. Crying out of happiness is one of the things he will never understand.

Because of his lack of understanding of emotions; Apathy tries to understand through making others feel said emotions

Wants to know how someone would react when you break a precious item? Time to find a couple photos.

Will someone scream when you waterboard them? Hm well, only one way to test that.

Opinions change like a flip of a switch

One day he'll help you make dinner with a plastered on smile. The next he'll knock you out and burn you with his lighter with that same smile

Has only properly laughed twice

The first time was when Thomas accidentally laughed at someones funeral (he couldn't cope that the person was gone and his default reaction was to laugh)

The second was after the three of them (wrath, depression and him) shut off the heating to Janus' room and locked him inside

In order to understand things he doesn't know; he does experiments

He's not allowed to experiment on Wrath and Depression has no fun reactions. So he has his fun with Janus instead

Kinda likes it when blood stains his dress shirt

Because its warm. The warmth that once came from the person now belongs to him and it eases the cold empty feeling only slighty and temporary but its warm

He's indifferent on the lights. They're a little too perky for his tastes

Depression

Third in command

Doesn't really get a lot of say with decisions

Can erase certain memories (he doesn't use it very often)

Wears a medium blue dress shirt, brown leather suspenders with a black bowtie.

Normally keeps his sleeve rolled up

When crying; his eyes leak black

If the tears hit your skin, its a 10% chance that you could collapse and start spewing your insecurities while your eyes leak black

Symbol is on the back of his neck

Doesn't really mind not having the control that Apathy and Wrath have

Less work for him to do anyway

Couldn't care about the other twos blatant abuse of Janus

He sees it as a way to keep Janus in line

If Virgil wanted to play father figure he can go ahead. But that doesn't mean he has to be kind

Respects and looks up to Wrath

Normally just follows the lead of the others

He's the epitome of the duckling following the leader

Wrath has steak and potatoes for dinner? Depression also wants that too

Wrath says that they need to bend Thomas to their will? Well duh! Of course!

Wrath says that Janus has been out of line lately? Well why don't we break his leg again to show him a lesson

Most of the time, the food restrictions have no effect on him bc he listens to Wraths every word

Virgil

Was the second in command before he left

Opposed Wrath on his more extreme tactics

Has the ability to control shadows and others own Anxiety

Hated the dress code that Wrath insists on having. What kind of person wears suspenders and a dress shirt daily anyway?

Still wears the stupid things anyway because Wrath said to and he's not in the mood to get beat

Symbol is tattooed on underneath his shirt. The left side

After adopting Janus he lost his position as Wrath's right hand

Kinda pissed him off when he got demoted. Not bc of the loss of power. But bc he couldn't protect Janus as well

After adopting Janus he became the 4th in power (after Depression)

Remus

Is the epitome of don't give a shit

He has the power to conjure things and cause intrusive thoughts

Half the time he ignores the dress code completely

Typically opting for his normal clothes but does own a uniform as well

(if anyone has a better photo of this outfit pls pls pls DM me. I've looked through hundreds of photos and this is the best dark green dress shirt with suspenders I got)

Symbol is tattooed on the swell of his back

Gets practically no opinion on dealings or decisions with plans

Remus is a indifferent party. One moment he'll help you. The next he'll stab you in the back

He mostly just works with who can give him what he wants the fastest

He actually feels pity for Janus

Not like he'll ever act on that but he still feels a bit bad for the guy

Remus is kinda like that uncle at family get togethers that no-one talks to or cares about but he's always there

Janus

Oh boy, where to start?

Has the lowest rank out of every other side

His power (the ability to make people unable to talk) can only be used on the light side of the mind

He is also unable to heal immediately on the dark side

Meaning that he has to treat his wounds the old fashioned way

Doesn't really like the dress code

Only gets to wear his normal outfit when he's visting the light sides

Blond hair (wow! Really? Not like its the the name of the au!!)

His patch isn't a tattoo

This boi has the biggest fucking sweet tooth you could ever imagine

He is also so fucking short

His shoes have lifts to make him taller

He's cold blooded

When he gets focused, he bleps

This is turning fluffy-

He is literally covered head to toe in scars

Almost no skin was left untouched

Lying is a defense mechanism for him. He's deceit! He can lie his way out of anything!

Heavily disagrees on Wraths views

Thomas should get ahead, of course he should. But that shouldn't come at the price of someones life or the cost of his reputation

Hurting someone to get ahead in the short-term is only going to harm you in the long term

To hide the bruses, he applies thick layers of makeup and illusions if he's on the light side

Hasn't gotten a good sleep in years

He's terrified that someone will break into in bedroom while he's sleeping and finish him off

Or that they'll cut the heating again and he'll slowly freeze to death

Or that they'll drag him out of his room and chain him up somewhere to become nothing but a punching bag

He has agoraphobia (fear of open spaces)

Hasn't had positive touch since Virgil left

He has venom. Its very lethal and only activates when threatened

When angry, his eyes glow yellow and his canine teeth grow sharp and long that they stick out of his mouth slightly like fangs

Was meant to be a light side and function as Validity and Societal Self Preservation. But the dark sides found him first and brought him back with them

Virgil is his father figure

Doesn't really know how to feel after finding out that he's not a dark side

He does feel really really lied to and betrayed

But... Virgil is his dad. Virgil raised him

How could he be upset?

Writes down all of his thoughts and complaints in journals that he keeps in his room

He started writing journals when he was very young, so there is hundreds of them

Honestly doesn't know how to feel about him being a light side.

He's mad at Wrath. He knows that. But he can't do anything because his powers don't work on the dark side

He might as well be powerless.

When on the light side (so when all his powers work) his powers include: silencing others, the ability to repress sides/ make them unable to appear to Thomas and illusions.

His title is technically Validity with the added function of societal self preservation

Still goes by Deceit anyway

----

Has three brands burned onto him via Apathy

Is on his left ankle. Its his snake symbol. About the size of your fist

On his right bicep. The word "monster" in bolded writing. About two fingers in thickness.

Left chest, above his heart. The words "Property of the Dark Sides" in cursive text. The writing sits in a box.

All the brands are extremely painful for Janus if touched. Brand #3 is the brand he hates the most

His scales are more in patches then a perfect 50/50 split down his body

More will be added in the future.

#Blond Janus AU #janus sanders #sanders sides #deceit sanders #unsympathetic dark sides #sympathetic virgil #sympathetic remus #sympathetic deceit #sympathetic janus #remus sanders #Unsympathetic dark side ocs #abused deceit #abused janus #sanders sides headcanon #headcanons #headcanon #my writing #tw blood mention #ts janus #ts deceit #ts virgil #ts remus #ask to tag #swearing tw

[pure-o-soft]

I just recently got diagnosed a few months ago and now I feel like a big fraud bc I can't tell what's obsession or compulsion or just me as a person or what. I feel like I'm just a "quirky" person instead of someone with a mental illness. I knew that I wouldn't get relief from the "I don't have ocd" thoughts once I got diagnosed, but I hoped I would.

Hello friend!

Im so sorry to hear that you’re experiencing all this doubt about your diagnosis. Some people don’t like to be labelled, but for others, knowing that there is a name for what we’re going through can be really healing and helpful. A lot of people with OCD, experience doubt about their diagnosis and symptoms (before + after diagnosis), just like you mentioned! OCD is also known as the “doubting disease” and the disorder will make up anything, any doubts, to make you afraid and anxious.

A lot of people with OCD experience sub-clinical symptoms... these are things that don’t actually indicate OCD, but the symptoms can be very common in people who have the disorder. Many of these sub-clinical symptoms are considered quirks and not a big deal if they aren’t interrupting your life. For example, maybe you like to organize things in a specific way, but you don’t think about it afterwards. But again, if those things start interrupting your life, they are an indication that something is wrong!

There is no reasoning with OCD doubts, and unfortunately, this too is one of them. Reasoning is actually a part of rumination (a compulsions which only makes things worse). But there are several things you can do to help alleviate these thoughts and doubts!

The biggest thing is seeking therapy: Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). They can help you rebuild your mental health, give you tools to resist compulsions and the intrusive thoughts, and help the themes your struggling with cause less anxiety. I think this would be a great next step for you in your healing process. And keep in mind that you don’t have to feel “worthy” and it’s okay that you feel like a faker... these are all disordered thoughts that further suggest you’re in need of help.

I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to not get the relief of these thoughts when you got a diagnosis. But you can feel okay again, you can begin to trust yourself and feel safe in your own mind. If you ever want to talk, vent, or would like some resources and coping mechanisms, please feel free to message me or send me another ask! I’d be happy to listen and help in any way that I can.

Wishing you all the luck in the world

#asks #anons #doubt #diagnosis

[txicgf]

i think the only way i can describe my state of mind for the last like six months as: when you were a little kid, and you'd get so invested in a book you really forgot about the real world for a bit - it's the feeling of when you get out of that. when you wake up from the fantasy and that first glance just above the page. that feeling of your stomach dropping just a little because you remember that no, this is real life. this is YOUR life. and then no matter how hard you try, you just can't immerse yourself like before into the book - you're distracted and you can't refocus.

that's how i feel about my life right now. im trying so desperately hard to see past the cosmic or metaphysical, or the biological function behind everything. I see the smallest action by someone around me and I feel like i don't see people anymore, just (slightly) smarter animals acting in their natural ways we always have, just in modified ways. i hate being reminded we're just animals, i hate the fact that we as a species even exist. i seem to have unlocked a newfound kind of existential hopelessness for myself. all we can do our whole lives is tell ourselves lies about what eternity will be like, whether it's in the afterlife or complete darkness forever - but either way eternity will be unbearable. it's either nothing, or what? a constant cycle of everything all at once? that would drive anyone insane over the course of trillions and trillions of years. getting to the 'end'? that's still death somehow, just then you know there isn't a way back for real. watching the sun die? only cool in theory. my worst fear.

if there is a god, he is a cruel child. we do not mean anything to him, and what we've done to each other as a species is proof enough.

all of that little spiral i just seem to have went on is exactly what im talking about. i can't focus on my life anymore, i cant see any meaning - and in some way all these half intrusive paranoid thoughts half severe depression existential crisis thoughts have actually helped me get better, or at least be more proactive. but. now im doing all the motions right in a way that makes me feel happy with what im doing yes, im in a stable place and I've lost a lot of weight and im really secure in myself and i don't think i would have achieved as much as i have self improvement wise over the last couple of months without the kick of terrified intense restlessness the fear of existing has gifted me. BUT, it's also the aforementioned fear. that fear holds me hostage, and i can't refocus back into my life the way i used to. my immersion feels broken. im scared im never going to be able to focus back in ever again,,

there are things to help, and i do do them - i worry that to whomever finds this blog that i sound whiny while never actually trying to fix my problems, and maybe thats just my insecurities talking but. for my own peace of mind im putting my little disclaimer that i am actively working on myself and the things i talk about being insecure about all the time, and sometimes even the things I'm talking about being insecure about I'm aware that logically sometimes aren't super big problems for me anymore but i still am very insecure bout them bc i am very insecure, and have now said the word insecure about 5 times in this paragraph. BUT what I'm trying to say is is that im working on it and I've found things to help it and dippers is real good for grounding me especially when it gets bad, and if all else fails I rely on cigarettes, weed and disordered eating.

at least im too scared to die for now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#vent #existential crises