#i haven't been able to think of anything else since monday night

[mcrbrainrot]

My Chemical Romance for ever and ever and ever

#I'm never recovering from this #like #i haven't been able to think of anything else since monday night #i met incredible people. i felt such intense emotions. i cried for half of the set. and i just. never even thought i would see them live #mcrla5 #mcr #my chemical romance #mikey way #frank iero #gerard way #ray toro

[maryellencarter]

okay, this may not be terribly coherent, but i think if anyone in the fandom still follows me, it's important for them to know.

earlier this summer, in addition to my wonderful partner of 6 years @camshaft22 , i agreed to date @johnhawkens , my gaming buddy. i knew he'd had some trouble with alcoholism previously, but he swore he was sober now. after losing my job, i moved up here so we could try to get disability and housing together, because arizona was absolutely horrendous for being homeless and i was not doing that a third time. the social services in this state are indeed much better. however, he had a lot of trouble with various applications falling through, crossed communications, and so forth. after three months in a group halfway house, they couldn't keep him any longer but he had nowhere else to go, so he wound up moving back in with his folks, who did not want him there but were prepared to tolerate him if he kept working hard on his housing.

on friday, november 10, i'm trying to be precise in my dates as far as i've been able to figure out, he got like four different pieces of bad news at once. he dug out some stashed liquor he'd hidden in his room about six months previous (before the halfway house or anything), got drunk, hid the bottle, forgot he hid the bottle, woke up and couldn't find it, assumed his folks had rifled through his stuff while he was asleep, and confronted them about hiding the bottle. this did not go well.

(he's always told me his folks are abusive, and i haven't questioned it too hard as mine definitely were, but i really have to wonder how much is... well, for example, do they actually go through his stuff when he's asleep or does he merely get confused and think they did?)

saturday and sunday, the 11th and 12th, were rough. i comforted him as much as i could, offered to drive up and get him, offered to help with his paperwork, talk to his case managers, whatever. on saturday he told me his father was insisting on seeing his paypal in order to find out if he had bought alcohol, and therefore sent me all the money in it to hold while he deleted the entire account to remove the history. he said he didn't want to get scolded for "unnecessary" purchases like games, which, sure, fine, my folks were like that, but it does mean he can't prove to anybody he *didn't* buy alcohol. (he's set it back up with the same email now.)

on sunday night, the 12th, he went radio silent, except for one DM to me about half past one on monday morning, which as far as i could find out was the last anyone had heard from him. i gave it a couple days, poking him on discord, texting him, calling him, and finally on tuesday evening, the 14th, i started messaging everyone i knew who talked to him, asking if they'd heard anything. nobody had.

on wednesday, i was basically assuming he'd killed himself and i'd missed my chance early monday morning to talk him down. i started looking up obituaries. i started talking about memories of him with his friends, at least the ones i'm reasonably close to myself. and i started to find out that his versions of some stories he'd told me were... weirdly different, from the ways the other people in the same stories remembered them. the other people's versions often seemed more in character to everyone i thought i knew.

we also found out that some of the times he'd messaged us for money lined up weirdly with times he'd claimed to have "drug interactions" making him act strange, and times he'd asked me for a lift. furthermore, i'd recently found out that his free phone "through insurance" was actually a lifeline program phone, which is all income-based through the government, so the time he'd told several of us that he needed a one-time payment to be allowed to keep it... did not fit with how i know the lifeline program actually works, especially since his carrier is verizon-owned and i have the entire verizon internal policy page on lifeline right up here in my damn photographic memory. so we sort of found ourselves edging toward "we hate to disbelieve our friend but we're having trouble making the puzzle pieces fit into the shape he wants".

on wednesday night he messaged me to let me know he was alive. hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, had just been existing in a depression spiral. which, okay, yeah, i've been there. we didn't talk much then because it was my bedtime and honestly i crashed hard from the relief of knowing he was alive.

on thursday, i didn't hear from him. in the evening i called him, and he sounded horrible, couldn't put more than two words together at a time. He told me he'd been having "waking nightmares", and at the time, I was like yeah, that happens to me when I'm off my CPAP, I get so sleep deprived I hallucinate and can't actually fall asleep, it's a problem. I told him he had to get to a hospital, preferably the one near me so I could visit, and he agreed to talk to his folks about it in the morning.

In the morning, we coordinated, his mom and I exchanged numbers, and they agreed to drive him down to the hospital. His mom sounded super happy that he had someone as committed as me who'd be able to give him the support he needed. I met them at the hospital that afternoon -- traffic was absolutely horrendous, so they had to head back home immediately, but they were happy to leave John in my hands, and he indicated he'd rather have me handle it than them as well.

John used to be a 911 dispatcher, so he does at least know that you fucking tell the medics what you've been drinking. Which it seems is why he didn't want his folks around for his intake, because that's when he dropped the bombshell that after running out of liquor made for drinking, he'd continued with isopropyl alcohol, better known as rubbing alcohol.

This hospital has a unique setup where if you're at the ER for psych issues, they don't necessarily whole-ass admit you to the psych ward, they have these little overnight "pods" where you can spend the night and they can assess you. So once John was checked in, I spent a few hours cuddling with him and chatting.

I got his meds list (and eventually found out that combining his particular meds with alcohol will cause hallucinations, hence the "waking nightmares"). He told me enough about the disgusting taste of the rubbing alcohol and how difficult it was to choke down enough to get a buzz off it, that I definitely believe he had been drinking it, although his breathalyzer came back zero so probably not as recently as he thought he had. He also told me that at some point, my best guess is Thursday, he got back in touch with @dukeswonderousmenagerie who let him know that AO3's oxfordRoulette had posted a new Jiglup oneshot; John attempted to read the oneshot, found that his reading comprehension was badly impaired, decided *getting drunk would help*, and managed to down enough rubbing alcohol to get a buzz for about 10-30 minutes (his time sense is also utterly fucked but I can't judge anyone for that), after vomiting it up multiple times.

After leaving the hospital so John could get a night's sleep, I talked the matter over with Leia. I told her the hospital would almost certainly only hold him overnight, especially since he'd told them he didn't have a plan to kill himself. ("He doesn't *think* he has a plan, but if he goes back home he will die," I said.) She agreed that I needed to fight with the hospital doctors to refer him to rehab, or however that works. My bunkmate here at the shelter, who used to be a hospice nurse, told me exactly who at the hospital I should make my case to, but warned me it would be a waiting game.

I hoped to get to the hospital on Saturday morning, the 18th, before they discharged him, and go directly to the doctors. I did not manage this; by the time I got there, John was already sitting right by the elevators and had called his folks for pickup. (He insists that he called me first but couldn't get through, and being a cell phone professional I know I can't quite disprove it, but I sure didn't have any missed calls. I had his number set to ring even when my phone is silenced, too.)

I asked John to let me talk to the doctors to refer him to rehab, a sober house, *anything* but going back to a place where he was already depressed enough to drink rubbing alcohol. He flat-out refused. He told me rehab was the worst experience of his life, and I listened closely while he rambled about it and did not manage to communicate any other reason to me except "I couldn't drink". He insisted he absolutely had to be somewhere he could "get out and about". (He also admitted he'd been able to get an Uber order of alcohol while he was at his halfway house, although he insists that was before I was up here and nothing to do with any of the times he asked me for money or -- God forgive me -- the time I ran a fundraiser for him.)

So he went back north with his folks. I talked to Leia about the conversation I'd had with him, and she was like "I know he doesn't want them to know but we have got to tell his folks to dump out the rubbing alcohol, for his own safety", and I was like "I just wish I knew if that was the right choice" and she was like "I'll do it and take full responsibility, blame me". So that's what we did. Leia texted his mom, his mom told him "we cannot be the support you need, get out of here and call 911 or a rehab".

And John called me, demanded I lie and say it was all a misunderstanding, insisted that if he has to go to rehab or any locked-down living situation where he can't get liquor he will just die sooner. I conferenced Leia into the call, following the plan.

Now, you have to know that Leia does not lie. Ever. Ever ever. I don't think she has in her entire adult life, or something like that. It's her one rule of morality. I absolutely expected her to laugh in his face, "fuck no I will not lie for you, listen to yourself, you have to get it together, man".

Instead, she folded. I did not realize she was so traumatized from the last much worse time I was on the streets, back in 2018, that she couldn't make herself be responsible for someone else being put out on the streets.

I told him, "She doesn't lie, man. Ever." He begged and pleaded and wheedled and demanded, and... She agreed to lie for him. She went -- scary, so scary it wasn't even sexy, scarier than Keith Silverstein Lupin at his darkest, she threatened him that if he ever drinks again he will die slowly and painfully, but he didn't take any of it seriously, which is possible even stupider than drinking isopropyl alcohol.

But anyway, she told John's mom it was all a misunderstanding. She's the worst liar ever, she sounded like she was reading a script against her will, but her normal affect is so autistically flat anyway that Mama Hawkens (this is not her real name) bought it. I did make John convince her to put the isopropyl alcohol in his parents' bathroom past a gauntlet of security cameras, anyway, but he's already bragged to me in the past that he knows how to dodge or circumvent security cameras.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but his mom was right to want to throw him out. Me, I'm saying this. But it was her only possible remaining bit of leverage to try to get him to seek help. And it didn't work, because of me, because I wasn't strong enough to tell him no myself, because I put Leia on the spot.

If he had asked for help, if he'd been "my folks are throwing me out and I have no ride, come up here and get me to a rehab", I would have done it, even if it'd taken all night and had lost me my bed at the shelter. But he didn't. He doesn't want help. He wants enabling. He'd rather be somewhere he can drink, even if he's in fear of his life (I don't know any longer how accurately).

It took me some time to figure out how to break up with him. I've never gone through a breakup before. But if he can and will mess with *Leia's* head that severely, he is not a safe man to talk to, for me or anyone. He will make you sympathize and take his side. He will suck all the money out of you that he can and drink it away. And eventually, someday, he will die.

I told Mama Hawkens "I still want to hear about any major developments with him, if you'd be willing to text me." I told John, "Don't kid yourself that this means I'd ever take you back. I want to know when you die, so your remaining friends can be spared the pain of not knowing."

*shrugs* I don't know how to end this post. Feel free to ask me any questions. I may be slow to answer. I... I loved the man I thought he was. We were going to make a life together. I'm still crying, grieving. I've lost both my Jigen buddies in about six months flat. But I can't be with someone who can or will even *think* of demanding that Leia lie for them. I know I can't even talk to him again or he'll get right back under my skin. I'm a mess, but I just want my side of the story out there, for when his next poor deceived enabler starts trying to figure out the truth.

edit: I JUST FOUND OUT HE WAS ALREADY DATING SOMEONE ELSE ONLINE WHEN HE PROPOSITIONED ME

wow i guess i have a whole story about my crazy ex now huh *yikesarooni*

#alcoholism tw #homelessness tw #self harm tw #i don't know how to tag this #johnhawkens #john hawkens

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Hi, Kiko! I have two questions for you- 1.) I saw you mention that while you love how much Rinko has resonated with people, there's a big part of you that doesn't really want to share her- does that mean you would prefer if we didn't use her as a cosplay option when at conventions? I don't want to overstep by pulling that cosplay out if it makes you uncomfortable. 2.) Do you have advice for writing? In college, I studied English creative writing alongside psych and neuroscience and I used to write all the time. However, since starting grad school, I haven't been able to make as much time for it, but with life this year, I know it would be a great outlet. I have a fanfic idea that I want to execute, but I have never been able to finish a story and developing a schedule or a timeline for both the story and to write it is daunting. Any tips from a badass writer?? Much love to you, Kiko! I hope you're taking care and taking it easy on this Monday <3

Hi Rai!!

1) I am perfectly fine with you cosplaying! I love it!! When I said I don't want to share her, it's mainly the selfish part of me that doesn't want to share her with other writers. But they do say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, so if people want to write about Rinko, I would be honored because it's so cool that a character I created is getting that much love 🥺 I loved your cosplay, so please don't stop doing that if you want to cosplay her!!!!

Okay, for your second question, I RANTED so it's below the cut 🙃

2) The best advice I have is to write for you. If nothing else, just write for you. Write as if no one else will ever see it to begin with. It provides a level of freedom like no other.

Write when you have the time. If you're able, and you want to, set time aside each day to write anything. Don't force yourself to write something just to meet someone else's expectations. That's something that's helped me with what I've been writing lately, follow the inspiration fairies, but don't force them. Find what suits you, too. I use a variety of things. I use google docs, and I use a notebook. I like physically writing things, sometimes to help get the creative juices flowing.

I've found that chasing the rabbits, even briefly, can help unblock other things. I'd been at a wall for Physical Paradox lately, but after spending a day or so on Gokudō, I was finally able to crank a bit out for Physical Paradox last night! So, just write. Write what you want to write. Whatever you feel like writing! Not all ideas have to be what you go with in the end, but it helps to just get it out to make room for other ideas.

As for the timeline? I kinda fly by the seat of my pants for most of it 😂😂 For Another Level, it was a bit easier because there was a clear 'end' to get to: canon lol. I will say that even though I had that, where we ended up was so different from how I originally intended it. But having that little end goal in sight helped me keep going. Without it, I think I would have ended up losing sight along the way. So, I would recommend having a rough timeline. But even that can develop as you go! Have a rough ending figured out, but remember that you can deviate if the story ends up going that direction!

Fun fact: Another Level is actually only the second story I've ever finished 🙃

I'm hoping to add Physical Paradox to that someday as well, though 😊

Thank you for your questions and hopefully this made sense!! 😅

#ask kiko #kiko rants #kiko saying dumb shit #sweet asks

[abandonedaccount1234]

WIP Wednesday : I Would For You

itty bitty snippet of this buddie fic

NOTE: I'm currently too busy studying last minute for my bio midterm but writing in between many hours long knowt sessions is keeping me sane. Here's what i worked on last night instead of crying in frustration :)

It's gonna be real angsty. Buddie is endgame ultimately, but it's gonna take some healing and some personal growth before that can ever happen for either of them. I respect BuckTommy enough to let them have their reign, however long that may be.

Synopsis: Long story short, everyone found out Eddie is in love with Buck just when he's getting serious with Tommy. Eddie planned on taking that one to his grave out of respect for his best friend and his partner. He loves Buck enough to just let him be happy. Things get complicated when Chimney can't keep his mouth shut. Tensions run high. Conversations need to be had. This fallout is exactly what he was trying to avoid. But it might just be exactly what they needed to find their truth and live it proudly.

Based off this song by Lauren Duski

Eddie just broke one night when Buck picked Chris up for the weekend like they were some divorced couple. Something him and Shannon should have been doing. Something he's never really dealt with as much as he should have until now. Something he would have to if he wanted to have the love that was slowly killing him inside.

Eddie called out that Monday. Claimed he wasn't feeling well. Which isn't all that much of a lie. He called out Tuesday too. By Wednesday, Buck came knocking. Eddie never showed up after dropping Chris off for school, and Bobby couldn't have him in the field being that distracted.

So, here they were. Sitting on the floor of Eddie's kitchen, across from one another. Eddie refused to make eye contact as Buck looked at him like he was fragile enough to break at any moment.

"Eds? What's going on?" You're scaring me, Buck thinks. We haven't had a real conversation in weeks and I'm scared for you. It's never been this quiet on your end.

"I um...I told my parents. That I'm not really into women."

"Didn't go well?"

"No. It really didn't." He spent 6 nights in a row pacing the floor, working up the courage. He feels like he was being foolish to think they would ever have understood or accepted him. "Frank said it was some sort of trigger for Shannon. " Eddie's voice breaks. "That I'll never get to tell her. That I'll never not be grieving her and the life we had. I'll never get closure. I thought..." Eddie sighs, scratching the back of his neck. "I don't know what I thought. It was complicated with her. But I'm just not as moved on from the life we had together like I thought I was."

"She was your wife." Is all Buck can offer.

"She is-" a heavy sigh before he corrects, "She was. She-She would've accepted me, I think? It wouldn't have been easy but she would have accepted me. She would have tried to understood for Christopher's sake if we ever got that far."

The room stands still as Buck is at a loss for words.

"How did we get here?" Eddie asks so simply, "Not being able to talk to one another?"

"I think we've become reached complicated territory."

"Because I'm in love with you and you're in love with someone else."

Buck just stares at him. Eddie looks anywhere else, particularly at the ceiling.

"There's no point in trying to still dance around it. It's not a secret anymore." It still stings them both.

This Buckley's hands get thrown up in the air. "I feel speechless. I don't know what to say in all honesty."

"I'd rather have a part of you still in my life than none of you at all. So tell me what I need to do to make this right."

Their eyes meet for the first time since Buck unlocked his front door with a fear he doesn't even want to say out loud because Eddie's okay. Because Eddie's safe. Because Eddie's still alive.

"You haven't done anything wrong."

"I'm in love with you and you're dating Tommy. How is that not wrong?"

"Did you fall in love with me after we got together? Did you try to go after me anyways or break us up? Have you ever acted entitled about us being together? No. You haven't. Because you respect me. Because you love me enough to let me be with someone else, no matter how much that pains you. That's-" Buck stops himself. That's true love. "That's not wrong. It's just a complicated situation."

"Would you want to go to therapy with me? So we can figure it out together? I'm not really sure we're equipped to do this on our own."

Eddie's heart is laughing at the irony of going to couple's therapy with a man who's committed to someone else because it's pitiful he fell in love with hie best friend. "Yeah. I'd love that." And I love you.

#911 abc #buddie 911 #eddie diaz #evan buck buckley #bucktommy #wip wednesday #Spotify

[timeoverload]

I didn't really do anything exciting this weekend so that's why I haven't said much the past couple days. Today was alright for a Monday. I had a tough time waking up this morning. I felt great for the first 2 hours I was at work but then I started hurting again so that was annoying. I also had a pile of instruments to redo at my station when I got there but I was so busy that I didn't even get to it and I'm not sure when I will have time. I had 30 cases again and I had to run a lot. I finally got my adjustable table for my station after waiting like 10 months and that made me happy. I had to spend most of my afternoon setting it up in between my other tasks. It's still a mess because I don't have enough storage space now but I will just figure that out tomorrow morning. I stayed a little late but I still got out of there before 6 so that was ok. It could have been worse. It made me feel good to hear some people say they missed me at least. Everyone seemed to be in a pretty good mood.

I requested the 17th off so I hope that gets approved. I said I had a doctors appointment. I can take more time off if I need to but I might just go to work the next day. I guess we'll see how things go. I wish we didn't have to wait 3 more weeks but there's nothing I can do about it unfortunately. I really hope we can talk this time without confusion but we need to work together. It would be helpful if you could avoid sending me mixed messages when you are talking to me because it is confusing and makes me anxious. I will do my best to communicate more clearly about what I'm thinking and how I feel. I will say something since you aren't able to. I think I might explode and have an episode if I don't say something. I'm not sure how but it's actually going to happen this time. I don't want to feel crazy and sad anymore and I don't want you to feel that way either. I really want things to work out. I remember saying I didn't want to wait until October to be with you but here we are. I'm still going to keep trying and hoping for the best. I've stepped out of my comfort zone a lot just to come see you and spend time with you. I'm committed and I'm not giving up on you. I know that there's no one else that I would rather be with and I'm always thinking of you. There have been times that you have upset me but I always forgive you. It's difficult for me to stay mad at you for very long. I love you no matter what. It's pretty obvious to me that we're meant to be together. We've spent a long time chasing each other and we deserve to be happy. 💖

Anyway, I'm getting tired already. I'm not that hungry but I'm going to make myself eat a bagel or something. I should have gone to the store after work to get more food but my back hurt too much. I will have enough food for tonight at least. I'm going to relax the rest of the night and try not think about tomorrow. I will try to make it a good day. Thanks everyone for listening and I hope you all have a good day tomorrow too.

#personal

[cynicaldesire]

Had a bit of a hard week.

So, at my job, I'm a tutor for the programming department. I got my Associate's in 2014 but I haven't had to keep up with programming ever since. Which ended up being fine because the only people seeking tutoring were in the intro to programming class that doesn't (shouldn't) use a real coding language. It's just all the concepts and stuff.

My boss asked me to screen record myself doing the assignments in the end-level course for his preferred language and I've been putting it off because I have no clue where to start. I haven't used this language in 10 years, and they're doing stuff I don't remember ever actually doing/working with. So I've been trying to figure out how to study it between everything else.

Everything else is all the bookings I have to tutoring sessions. I have removed availability for half of one of the 3 days that I work and the other half is completely full most of the time. This is on top of getting almost fully booked on the full days that I work. I'm busy and despite getting a second tutor in the form of a Federal Work Study student, people are still coming to me.

This is on top of all the other odds and ends I do around the office, helping people find classrooms, directing them to tutors, helping the admin assistant with things from time to time (personal and professional), helping coworkers with stuff, and even being one of two admins of the booking system itself (which comes with its own set of responsibilities).

And, you know, being a full-time student.

So I keep thinking I have time to work on the stuff that my boss is asking me to do, but when I do, I usually default to working on my homework for my learn!school instead. So my boss keeps asking WHERE ARE MY VIDEOS and I have to tell him, dude I'm busy and I'm not about to work on this at home. (I'm not supposed to work from home or whatever.)

Then my husband came to visit for Spring Break (his, not mine), and I was gonna work on my boss's homework. But then my husband bought a new game to play (FF7 Rebirth) and I had to watch it. Then I had a flat tire and the other car I had access to had a faulty electrical system so I couldn't go to work. So I went to work only 1 day that week. (I took off the day my husband came into town.)

I went back and I was SWAMPED with people talking to me, asking questions, booking me for tutoring sessions. It was BONKERS how busy I was. Then my husband left and one of my niece's significant others came into town. This was frustrating for me because I'm incredibly shy and they're trans and so I was afraid of misgendering, so I tried not to address them at all. But they're also shy, so they didn't wanna talk either. And then my niece refused to tell me anything about the visit, so I had to keep being confused at different intervals. -I thought they drove? -No they got dropped off. -Well I thought they were leaving on Sunday? - No, Monday morning. -You still haven't done like 6 essays in one of your classes. -I'll do it! (Did not.)

And then at the usual Saturday Family Dinner, people kept ignoring me. People asked me questions directly and then stopped listening to me halfway through. My mom especially kept getting distracted by the stupidest shit in the middle of me talking. I had to retell a story like 5 times before I finally gave up.

Then my husband was having a problem with another video game he tried to buy. His online order got cancelled. He got the points he used for a coupon refunded, then he bought it again and they shipped it to the wrong address. Not sure why that address was still there, set as default. Then he drove over there to pick it up and in the package wasn't the game he even ordered. So he went to a physical location and returned the game and just bought the one he wanted in person.

It wasn't until I was able to talk to my husband Saturday night that I was able to get any of my anxiety out. That I realized just how much anxiety I had. A lot of it was stressing out about finishing the game. A lot of it was about the stranger coming to the house right after he left. A lot of it was about being so busy at work, staying late, finishing the game, getting up to take him to the airport, coming home to take my niece to school, getting gas, coming home to get ready for work, having another busy day, then having to take my niece to work with me and navigate the stranger and my niece at work while also tutoring. And then going to dinner and being super ignored.

And my husband went back to some problems in his house and that made it so I couldn't talk to him until Saturday night. I got some of my stress out, able to finally spend a good time with my husband, things calmed down, etc.

Now I can work on that stuff for my boss. After all this other stuff I gotta do for my learn school.

#about me

[casspurrjoybellbittner]

Wreckless - And It Feels So Good

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

He pulls a bag of marinating chicken out of the fridge... Nice.

I hope I'm not making things too difficult by eating now but I haven't had anything since breakfast except for some pretzels on the plane.

He puts salad fixings and a big bowl on the table, along with a knife and cutting board and I go to town.

"Finnegan?"

It's so good to be able to breathe again although let's be real, I'm hoping I won't be able to fairly soon, one way or another.

"Yes?"

"Are you staying the night? What's your living situation? Still have your apartment?"

That's a tricky question.

Well the first one is easy, the second two are harder.

See, last time I came to Baltimore, I had weeks to prepare.

I packed boxes and had movers deliver them to my new extended-stay apartment.

Today I came with two suitcases.

"I'd like to stay the night."

I don't have anywhere to be until Monday morning even though I will have to get some work done tomorrow.

"I don't have an apartment yet, they don't have an opening. They rent weekly so I'll probably just grab a hotel until one opens up."

"Or," he says so sternly that I turn towards him... "you could just stay here. I don't care how late you're working, Finnegan. I want you here."

It sounds good, it does... Coming home to him every night?

How could I not want that? Waking up with him? Bliss.

"I'm, I'm afraid it'll be to much, that it'll be too much little me for you to deal with."

He walks over and grips my chin.

"Put the knife down. Finnegan...I like you. Honestly, you wanna know something?"

He releases me and steps back so that we can see each other easier.

"I think Finnegan is sexy as hell. You look good in a suit and your confidence is hot. I'm proud that my boyfriend is a kick-ass, successful businessman. But I actually like Finn better. He's fun, lots of fun. It's not like we don't talk when you're little, you're not using baby speech and throwing tantrums for fucks sake, you're just you. You're softer."

"No, I'm..."

"Don't, I'm being serious here. You're more relaxed. I spent the last month missing Finnegan... not wishing I had you around to do my taxes or something."

"I don't want to take over your kitchen table working or make you think you can't watch TV because I'm on the phone." 

I'm going to be insanely busy and I don't want to feel bad about it, either.

"I have a spare room and I know you're aware of that. Put a desk in there. Your excuses are shit, Finnegan. Do you want to stay with me or not? That's the question. If not, I'll get over it. It's not some ultimatum but damn boy, I'm serious about wanting you here. I've been worried sick about you for a month."

I feel bad about that, I do. 

Making him feel bad for another month isn't something I'm willing to do.

"We could try it, right? And if it doesn't work for either of us I could take an apartment when one opens up. I..."

Should I tell him?

"I was actually thinking about looking for a house since I'm staying. I hate the damn couches in those apartments. Maybe um, well I can put that on the back burner and we can sort it out later."

He slips the chicken into the oven.

It smells good already.

"Okay. I know you have a lot going on right now and I'm not trying to make things harder, darling. I know when to stop pushing and I'll take that win all the way to the bank.  I'm gonna get your suitcases out of the car. Keys?"

I pull them out of my pocket and hand them over.

I could get my bags but he wants to and I have lugged those things around enough today.

"Emmett?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I please get out of these fucking pants yet?"

I hate jeans.

People tend to assume suits are uncomfortable but my dress pants are much softer and more forgiving than these.

They do manage to make me look like I actually have a butt but they're not good for much else.

Emmett is walking around in a loose tank top and a pair of shorts that look like they've actually been through a war and here I am in denim.

It's not fair.

He's thinking awfully hard. 

Why is this such a big deal?

"Sure darling, yeah, go for it. I'll be right back."

He makes two trips, my suitcases are huge and both marked with 'heavy' tags, and takes them both upstairs.

Then I hear things.

There's still nine minutes left on the oven timer so I head upstairs.

He's in the spare room and is pulling things out of the closet.

"Emmett?"

"You need a closet. Maybe you can keep your work clothes here? I don't know how you want to organize things but I'm sure you need to unpack."

He glances around.

"We'll get you a desk. Anything else you need? I'll put some of this in the basement."

He grabs the huge army duffel bag from the bottom of the closet and hoists it over his shoulder.

"I don't want to upend your life, Emmett."

See? This is what I was worried about.

"Too late. You changed it the moment you turned on red and hit me and you completely screwed it up when you left last month. This is me putting it back together. Will Marten bother you?"

Ouch but it's true and it's true for me, too. 

We're both trying to get back to how we were before the fire. 

And Marten? 

He'll actually be good company. 

"No, no, he's fine."

"Alright.  Moving him would be hard but I can find a new home for anything in your way. I'll clear the bookshelf, too. I want you to be comfortable and have what you need, Finnegan."

I'm not gonna let him clear his whole room.

"One shelf is enough."

He's too sweet but I can't lie.

"Having a place to work will be really nice, thank you. I'll be in the office a ton but..."

"This way you can come home for dinner and then work on your projects and emails and whatever fancy shit vice-presidents do."

Fancy shit, that's me.

"Yeah, at least sometimes but rearranging your house can wait until after dinner."

"Okay, I'm gonna take this down and then I'll check on it. After you."

[scandiengbergs3]

Hello! I am trying to get an update squeezed in here because there sure is a lot to update on!

So, while the kids and I were at Skansen on Monday midday, and Eric had stayed home alone back in the Stockholm suburb where we were staying because he wasn't feeling tip-top, he texted me to say that he'd taken a Covid test ... and it came back positive! So of course this threw a real wrench in all of our plans and we were very concerned!

So the kids and I stopped for what we were doing, put on our masks, and made our way directly back to the Airbnb so we could test and see whether we came back positive too. Luckily, the weather was very mild, so Eric was able to stay outside. But we knew that it was likely that the die was already cast because we'd all been together for so many days.

But, of course, in the sort of panic mode that we were in, when the kids' and my tests came back negative, we decided that the kids and I would hit the train to Gothenburg immediately on Monday night, rather than Tuesday afternoon, so Eric could quarantine alone in the Stockholm Airbnb. We did lots of internet consultation and talking with Michelle back in the U.S. who is my go-to expert on these sorts of things. We basically could have taken two routes: we could have all stuck together and let the situation develop as it would, or we could separate and let Eric quarantine for 6 days or 5 days, depending on when you start counting. We decided on the latter route, which now, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best idea.

In talking to Michelle I came to understand that these newer variants of Covid are, for many people (of course not *all*) very mild for healthy people, like a cold, and like a cold also they work their way through households. So it was likely that the kids and I would come up with something.

Anyway, the kids and I arrived to Gothenburg close to midnight on Monday and, sure enough, the next morning I had a bit of a sore throat but nothing else bothered me. But we needed to be in Gothenburg to pick up the Volvo, the whole purpose of the trip, on Wednesday so since arriving to Gothenburg, the kids and I have been double-masking whenever we've been out but otherwise we've felt well. My sore throat has subsided & I basically feel fine ... just a little post-nasal drip.

People think we're totally weird for wearing masks at all because, I think, with Sweden's very casual approach to Covid from the get-go, they just think the virus will circulate however it will and people just need to go about their normal lives, which has been their approach for the last two years, which is in stark contrast, as we all know, to how the U.S. has gone about things.

My friend Ryley in Norway was sharing information with me about how Norway and Sweden have absolutely no quarantine requirements now after a positive test. Their only guideline is to stay home if you don't feel well.

It is so hard to know what to do in these Covid times, and some reading this will think we should've taken another course, but we're trying to be as cautious as we can and be responsible when we're out and about by wearing double masks and basically looking out for our own symptoms, which happily haven't been much of anything! We hope things with our health don't take a turn for the worse, but luckily the kids and I are doing well and Eric is getting through his fatigue and runny nose, which have almost entirely abated.

Anyway, we're trying to walk the middle ground between U.S. policy and Scandinavian policy. Eric will be at the end of day 5 of quarantine tomorrow night and the plan is, if he's feeling like his normal self, for him to rejoin us as we get back to Stockholm to load the new Volvo onto the ferry to head to Helsinki. Luckily we have two cabins in the ferry booked anyway, so he can stay in one and the kids and I can stay in another.

More soon!

[dreamescapeswriting]

Unspoken Challenge ~ Bang Chan [M]

WORD COUNT: 4.2K

GENRE: Smut, fluffy, nerdy/dom chan

PAIRING: Nerd Bang Chan x Reader

WARNING: Light choking, squirting, Chan dom...I think that’s it

A pen was tapping over and over again on the desk behind you and it was starting to stress you out. The class was already hard enough you didn't need some moron making it worse, you took in a deep breath trying to push down the urge to smack whoever it was behind you. They'd done nothing but tap the pen onto the desk as if they were anxiously waiting for something to happen. As time passed the pen tapper got faster until you finally snapped, turning around and slamming your hands onto the desk making the pen tapping stop.  

"Do you have any idea how god damn annoying you are?!" The boy behind you smirked as you snapped at him, he'd been doing it to wind you. Felix was the University player and liked it whenever girls talked back to him, it gave him a reason to shamelessly flirt with them.

"The dog bites, I like it." You rolled your eyes at the boy who had a giant smirk on his face. Lee Felix, he was one of the popular students at your university and you hated him and his group of friends. They did nothing but wind you and another student up - Christopher Bang - claiming that you were both cheating on tests or they would come up with some kind of nasty rumour about you both this week alone it was that you'd slept with the entire football team. It wound you up that they were always so cruel to Chan when he was nothing but sweet to everyone he met, it didn't bother you so much when they were mean to you but when they were mean to Chan it pissed you off.

"What's up princess? Chan cant get it up and satisfy you in bed?" A bunch of snickers followed the comment he made but you just rolled your eyes again, turning to face the front of as you started waiting for time to pass. 'princess' was Chan's nickname for you, no one else's and it irked you that someone else had the audacity to use it on you. All you had to do was make it through this one lesson and everything would be fine, you could go and find Chan, Minho and Seungmin and go for lunch. The only thing getting you through this lesson was the thought of lunch with your boyfriend and two close friends.

"We all know what you're after, a good dicking but you're not going to get it from Chan," Felix whispered in your ear as he leant forward to you. He noticed you watching the clock above the teachers head and chuckled softly, 

"You can come to me anytime, I'll show you how a real man should fuck you..." Hearing his words you drowned out his voice thinking about the first time that you and Chan had been together...How he was nothing like you thought he would be. See, everyone had Chan pegged to be the super quiet, shy and nerdy type...Which he was but once you got him into the bedroom it was as if an alter ego took over. You called him Christopher since Chan hated whenever someone would call him by his long name.

"Running late?" Minho smirked as you began sprinting towards the student library as you ignored him but he just ran alongside you, teasing you repeatedly as you rushed to get to the door. 

"Minho, fuck off. If I'm late again Chan will kill me." You mumbled as you slowed down to a walk outside the door, pushing the double doors open to see Chan had already packed up his things. 

"Chan I was caught up at work-"

"Whatever, you clearly don't want to get through the class. I'm not wasting my time with you." You hated that he was blowing you off, you'd been trapped at a late shift so you couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't as though you had Chan's number so you could let him know what was going on. He was so private he wouldn't give you his mobile number or where his dorm was, you'd tried to get it from him but he wouldn't tell you.

"Chan I need to pass this class, work kept me behind and made me do a later shift...I want to pass this class please-" You were following him out of the library as he walked away from you, keeping his head down as he tried to ignore the fact that you were there. You weren't going to let him get away with ditching you, not when you really needed this from him. There was no one else you could go to. No one was as smart as Chan and he knew that.

"It's Friday night, just go out and drink...Whatever it is you do on a Friday." He mumbled to you, stopping himself from walking when you stood in front of him. This was the first time he looked at you properly today, you weren't in your normal attire. Normally you'd be in jeans and a low cut top but today you were in a diner dress and some tennis shoes. The nametag on your dress being the giveaway that it was your work attire.

"We can do this Monday, I have plans tonight." He mumbled moving away from you but all he could think about was the dress you were wearing and the way you looked in the dress. He wasn't an idiot, he knew you were good looking but he also knew you were out of his league so he was never going to do anything. That didn't stop his mind from wandering about things though, the things he would do to you if you were his and he could have his way with you. Punishing you for being late to an important study session, punishing you for the way you wore low cut tops and bent over in front of him. Sometimes he thought you only did those things just to tease him. 

Minho chuckled at you as you watched Chan walking away, his leg was kicked up on the wall behind him as he laughed at you.

"You're not going to drop this are you?" You shook your head at his question and demanded Chan's dorm room number. You knew they were living in the same dorm building and he had to know where Chan was. There was no way you were going to not study, Chan was the smartest kids in the university and not to mention in your course. He was your only hope of passing the test on Tuesday.

The door swung open but Chan didn't seem too happy to see you standing there. The smile on his face dropped and he rolled his eyes, he thought you were the pizza he'd ordered himself. His ''plans'' for Friday night were to sit alone watching the new Anime that had come out with a pizza.

"I told you we could study Monday-" He went to shut the door but you pushed your foot in front of it stopping him from doing so if you were anybody else he would have continued to shut the door. 

"Chan, the test is Tuesday. Please. I'm hopeless without your help." He nodded at you not disagreeing that you were hopeless in it and not being able to resist the puppy dog look in your eyes so let you into his dorm room.

"You get one hour, any more than that I'll charge you." You excitedly threw your arms around him, jumping up and down as you thanked him over and over again but his mind was racing. You were still in the diner outfit that made his mind wander over everything, he could feel your chest pressed against him that made him bite his lip.

"Y-Yeah, come on in." He stuttered out, pushing his thick black glasses onto his face as he shut the door behind you. 

"What exactly is the part you're struggling on?" He questioned as he walked you into the living area of his apartment, sitting you down and sitting beside you with his own books. 

"If I say all of it will you kill me..." He raised his eyebrows at you and shook his head, he had no idea how you could have been struggling with any of it. He was helping the tutor grade papers and all of yours were on par with his. You were smart to say you were one of the popular girls in the University,

"I've been behind because of work, I haven't had time to get as much studying as I would like done." He nodded along with you and then he started questioning you on small bits from the classes that week. Wanting to know what you did and didn't know so he could come up with a studying style that would be best for you. 

Later that night you woke up to a blanket being laid over you, you flinched looking up to see Chan standing there. He'd been grilling you for most of the night with questions and when his pizza finally arrived he shared it with you. Choosing to help you rather than throwing you to the curb like he said he was going to do,

"You fell asleep, you looked peaceful so I was going to just-" You shook your head, telling him that he didn't have to explain himself to you.

"C-Can I come over during the weekend? I don't have a shift so I can study for longer. Unless you have plans?" You suggested, getting up from the sofa and hunting around for your bag, the only plans he had would be the anime and he liked the idea of helping you far more than that. 

"I don't have plans...You can come tomorrow." He whispered as he began walking you to the door, checking outside of the door to make sure the male tutor wasn't around and you wouldn't get scolded for being in the boy's dorm. The one rule on campus, no girls in the boy's dorms, no boys in the girl's dorms. 

"Thanks for this Chan, I owe you one." Without even thinking, you stood up on your tiptoes to give him a small kiss on the cheeks. His ears began to turn a bright red colour making you giggle as you quietly snuck out of his room and headed home, looking forward to the weekend of studying with him. Chan's hand slowly raised to his cheek as he touched where your lips had been, he groaned to himself ignoring the tent that was starting to pitch in his jeans. It was just a stupid kiss yet his mind kept wandering back to the butterflies he'd been feeling.

The next night you were sitting together after studying all day, it felt as though you were in class rather than studying. Chan had different tests laid out for you, flashcards and study folders all laid out for you to work from. 

"I could rip my eyeballs out, how do you get all of this done." You yawned at him, it seemed as though he just glanced at a page and the information would instantly be implanted into his brain.

"You're like one of those Aliens, aren't you? You absorb information with one glance!" The fake gasp that came from you made Chan laugh which sent butterflies to your stomach, you'd not heard him laugh like that before. The smile on his face was enough to make your whole body feel like you were floating, he looked so cute when he smiled like that. A small dimple on his cheek and the way his eyes scrunched together,

"You have a really pretty smile," You whispered before you even realised you were talking aloud, a giant blush spread along Chan's freckled cheeks and his ears turned a brighter red than before. 

"I'm sorry cutie, I didn't mean to embarrass you." You squeezed his cheeks playfully but his hand gripped onto your wrist to stop you from babying him like you were, 

"Don't treat me like I'm a baby, I'm not." He growled at you, you were taken back a little not expecting this side to come from him it and interested you a lot. 

"I-I'm sorry, I was just playing...You are cute though Chan." Your comment was only met by another growl and he moved away from you muttering something under his breath that you didn't hear.

"Chan?" You went to reach for him to apologise but he grabbed your wrists again, pinning you to the sofa below him. You squirmed under his grasp looking up into his dark eyes as he stared down at you,

"I'm not some cute little nerd," You let out a small whimper as you looked up at him. A pool went down to your core at the way he looked at you, his eyes had darkened over and it wasn't the nerdy Chan you knew. You squirmed once again under his grasp. 

"Squirming so much and I haven't even touched you," He smirked and you could have sworn the nerdy Chan you knew was gone and replaced with whoever this was now. 

"You're so pretty when you're scared...Maybe I should fuck you dumb huh? Then maybe we can fill the brain with the study material...Stop you watching your phone every four seconds." He'd caught you reading through something on your phone that wasn't the work he was setting you and he didn't care what it was he just didn't want you to waste his or your time. This side of him made you excited but you also wanted to tease him for it see what else he was hiding under the nerdy persona he was exhibiting, 

"I bet you'd cum as soon as you put it in me," You challenged, looking him in the eyes as you bucked you hips up to meet his. He licked his lips watching you as he nodded along with what you were saying, not agreeing with you but accepting the unspoken challenge. 

"Is that a bet?" You nodded your head at him and he smirked, throwing his glasses down onto the coffee table where your books were left unattended now. 

"If I win, you study all weekend and you owe me a favour." He told you as he let go of your wrists completely watching to see what you do.

"And if I win, which I will...What do I get?" He shrugged his shoulders,

"Whatever you want, but trust me, kitten-" He bent down to whisper in your ear this time, 

"You're not going to win." His voice sent shivers down your spine and you bit down on your tongue as you watched him closely, wanting nothing more than to make out with him on the spot. 

"What makes you so sure? You're just a nerd-" You stopped talking as soon as he pulled the hoodie off from his body revealing a pack of abs you never would have guessed were under there. 

"Concentrate darling, anyone would think you have a thing for the nerd." He growled grabbing you by your neck and standing you up as he carefully walked you towards the bedroom. He hadn't even touched you and you could feel how wet you were, practically leaking through your panties. 

"Strip," He ordered as he slammed his bedroom door shut, sitting on the edge of his bed as he watched you closely. You smirked at him, slowly undoing the zip of your black jacket before revealing a black lowcut top you'd worn a couple of times before. He kept his eyes on you, giving no inclination as to what he was feeling or thinking as you stripped.

"Slowly," He whispered getting down onto the floor in front of you as you got to nothing but your panties. You hissed as he slapped your thighs and you slowly began to lower your panties. 

"So fucking wet for the nerd." He chuckled as he watched the way your arousal stuck to your panties before he threw you down onto the bed. Kissing you roughly as he let his tongue explore your mouth you wrapped your arms around his neck as you relaxed into the kiss. Feeling sparks fly out of your body the moment he kissed you. The kiss intensified and he smirked, dragging you to the edge so you were displayed out for him, he ran his hand over your thighs. 

"Spread them," You did as he said and looked at him as he watched you closely. 

"Do you want me to touch you?" You nodded desperately, hopeless for some kind of touch from him.

"Where do you want me to touch you? Use your words," You wanted to scream at him just to touch you but you didn't, you stayed quiet as you looked at him. 

"H-Here," You whispered running your own finger over your clit but he slapped it away before slowly rubbing his thumb over your clit. You bit your lip, holding back the moans that were trying to escape from you, 

"Don't hide the moans, let everyone know who's making you feel good." He ordered you as he thumb continued to rub your clit in circles vigorously. You moaned out, rolling your head back against the mattress as you enjoyed his touches. Pathetic and high pitched whimpers leaving your lips whenever he would change the direction of his rubbing, 

"Feel good baby? Is the nerd making you feel good?" He questioned in a condescending tone that only made you more attracted to him. When you didn't answer him he wrapped his other hand around your neck, applying a small amount of pressure making you choke out a moan. 

"Answer me." 

"Yes! F-Feels so fucking good!" You cried out only to be met with a slap against your clit making you cry out again, he let go of your neck and pushed two fingers into you. 

"So tight princess, have you not fucked someone in a while?" He questioned as he began to rock his fingers in and out of you, using his other thumb on your clit again. 

"N-No...N-Not s-since last year." You whimpered not knowing why you were telling him you hadn't been laid in a while. 

"Maybe that's why you're always so pent up...Just need a good fucking," You nodded at him as you desperately began to plea for him to let you cum. He only rubbed your clit faster and smirked up at you, 

"Can I cum? Please?" He chuckled darkly as you begged for him to let you cum, you were dripping down onto the sheets each time he pulled his fingers out of your cunt. 

"Want you to ride my thigh first." You were shocked at his words but without hesitation, you pushed him to sit down on the bed and you straddled his thigh. Moaning out as the thick fabric came into contact with your bare core. 

"F-Fuck." You whimpered as you began to slowly move your hips on his thigh. Rocking back and forth as he put a finger on your clit making you cry out. 

The friction was getting too much for you and you were crying out his name. Your head laid on his shoulder as you rode his thigh. 

"You can cum now, like a good girl." He whispered, and just like that you did. 

"Chan!" Your hands dug into his arm as you continued to ride his thigh. Cumming onto the fabric of his jeans before he pushed you down onto the bed again, your legs were shaking as you begged for him to fuck you instead of teasing you. 

"I-I get it, I shouldn't have said what I said...Y-You win." You whispered as he began to unbuckle the belt on his jeans. 

"You're still so wet princess, and look at the mess you made." You glanced at his trousers and felt the heat rush up your body in embarrassment. 

"I want you to make a mess like that on my cock, can you do that baby girl?" You nodded at him, 

"Y-Yes Chan," He smirked at how easily you'd turned into a begging and whimpering mess for him. 

"Stand up," You did as he said and he walked over to you, chuckling as you struggled to keep your balance. As he kicked off his boxers you sank down on your knees to get a good look at him. He was huge, larger than you had been expecting and it made your mouth water. You wanted to taste him, you needed his cum but before you could even put your lips on him he shook his head at you. At first, he was going to let you but after seeing how excited you had been to do it he stopped himself wanting to prove you wrong. 

"Lay down and spread your legs." You did as he sat and he smirked watching you.

"Good girl, so wet for me as well." He chuckled as he began aligning himself at your entrance before sinking into you. You moaned out as he stretched you out, your walls clenching around him as he grunted. 

"So fucking tight," You mewled out in response to him and he chuckled moaning when he began to push in and out of you. His hands gripped onto your hips as he began to thrust in and out of you, moaning our your name. 

"Feels so good," You moaned out as you felt his cock moving in and out of you. Your walls gripping around him as if he belonged inside of you. 

"Shit Chan," You whimpered as he continued to move inside of you, his hips slamming into you as you felt your next orgasm approaching, you squirmed underneath him. Digging your feet into his ass to make him hit deeper, 

"So good!" You screamed out, dragging your nails down his back as he continued to push into you, the feeling making your head spin as it felt as though you were floating. The wet sounds filled the air with the sound of slapping skin and moans, both yours and Chan's as he continued fucking into you. 

"I can feel you getting closer, do you want to cum?" He questioned, reaching down as he began rubbing your clit. You cried out at the touch and he chuckled darkly, slapping into you harder you rolled your head back in ecstasy. 

"Cum." He commanded you and you did. Screaming out his name as you rolled your head back, gripping onto the sheets around you as you came harder than you ever had done before. You whimpered feeling your orgasm keep ripping through you as you clenched and twitched around him, an unfamiliar wetness came from you as you squirted around him moaning out loudly as it did. 

"S-Shit! W-What-" You didn't have time to question what it was as Chan began to pump into you. Grunting loudly as he came into you hard, filling you up so much you came around him again at the feeling. 

"F-Fuck." You cried out as you came down from your high, panting heavily as he pulled out of you and laid down beside you on the bed. 

"Whoa." You whispered as you turned on your side to look at him, the blushing shy Chan was back and you giggled softly. 

"Where did he come from?" You questioned, running your finger up and down his chest and abs as you waited for him to answer, 

"Where did who come from?" He frowned looking at you as he wrapped a blanket over your body, not wanting you to get sick or catch a cold. 

"Christopher." You winked at him and he chuckled shyly, shaking his head at you. 

"I hope it wasn't the last time he comes out to play...I-I enjoyed that." The same smirk was back on his lips once he heard your words, 

"Well if you study and pass your test maybe he'll come out to play again." He winked at you as you leant forward to give him a small kiss on the lips. 

The bell rang waking you up from your daydream, you practically jumped out of your seat to get out of the classroom but Felix was faster. He raced up behind you and grabbed your elbow so you would turn to face him,

"Come home with the big boys," He whispered to you, trying to be as seductive as possible but all he was doing was coming across as a cock. 

"No thanks, my boyfriend is waiting for me." You turned around to see Chan standing against the wall, he was wearing an oversized blue sweater you'd gotten him and the new pair of thick square glasses. 

"Hi!" You yelled out, snatching your arm away from Felix as you walked over to Chan, 

"Why was Felix holding onto you?" He questioned, wrapping his arms around you protectively as he eyed up Felix, 

"He was just being an idiot. Telling me how he could fuck me how a real man should," Chan scoffed at the comment and looked at Felix. 

"Trust me, the way she screams my name at night I'm surprised you haven't heard." He smirked at Felix turning you around and walking away from the boys who were all watching after you as you giggled to Chan about what you both had planned for that night. 

Tagline: @taestannie @kneel-begyourpardon @channiewoo @minholuvs @lkwonmj​

#skz #skz x reader #skz x you #skz x y/n #skz imagine #skz imagines #stray kids #stray kids imagines #skz smut #stray kids imagine #stray kids smut #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #stray kids x y/n #bang chan #bang chan x reader #bang chan imagine #bang chan imagines #bang chan smut #lee know #lee minho #minho #seo changbin #changbin #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #han jisung #jisung #lee felix #felix

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Reid My Lips - Spencer Reid x fem! Reader

A/N - on the twelth and FINAL day of shipmas fortheloveofcriminalminds gave to me…Spencer x Reader Fluff! Hope you guys enjoyed them, I had a lot of fun writing these! Find my Shipmas masterlist here. Find my full masterlist here.

My taglists are open for Spencer x Reader and all works so let me know if you want to be added. Requests are also open.

Requested: Yes l No l Kind of ?

Idea came from @andiebeaword as I was struggling to come up with something that wasn't either angsty or smutty! - "What about one where they're dating, but haven't kissed yet, and every time reader tries, for some bizarre reason, Spencer keeps dodging them. reader thinks he's trying a subtle way to say he doesn't want to kiss when in reality, he just doesn't want reader to think he's a bad kisser" - Set circa s15, some spoilers for the last 2 episodes.

CW: none that I can think of! Just lusting after Spencer's lips. Some talks of Spencer's insecurites and lack of experience.

Plot: In which all the reader wants in the world is to feel Spencer's lips on hers.

WC: 2.4K

—————————————————————

Spencer Reid’s lips were the kind they would have written poetry about.

They were plump, sinfully so, the first time you’d met him several years ago when you joined the team it was the first thing you’d noticed about him. How it didn’t seem fair for him have had lips such as these bestowed upon him. He had the most kissable lips you’d ever seen in your life.

If you were a writer and not a profiler, you may well have tried to write a poem about them. But alas, a wordsmith you were not. So you had to make do with just staring at them every available opportunity you got.

When he’d finally plucked up the courage to ask you on a date after six years of working together you were thrilled to say the least. Finally, after all that time imaging what those lips would feel like, you might actually get to see for yourself.

For your first date Spencer took for you dinner at a fancy restaurant. Despite the fact you had known each other so long, the date was awkward.

Usually, you never struggled to find things to talk to Spencer about. Most of the time while the rest of the team were sleeping on the jet the two of you stayed up chatting aimlessly between you.

But somehow when the word date was used, it made everything uncomfortable between the two of you.

The night started as a long, drawn out silence but thankfully you both eased into it and by the time your main courses came you were able to chat a little more freely.

You’d had dinner together countless times over the years. But that was just as friends. Not as two people who were clearly attracted to one another even though deep down that’s what you’d always been.

Spencer walked you home after dinner. It was a mild night and you didn’t live too far from the restaurant so you thought the walk would be nice.

The first few blocks you fell back into that uncomfortable silence but thankfully you found your voices again.

Despite everything, you’d had a great time and you’d hoped Spencer had too.

As you stood awkwardly on the sidewalk outside your apartment you were desperate for him to kiss you. He wasn’t quite so shy and dorky as he had been when you first met so you’d thought he might make the first move.

He did not.

“Goodnight Y/N. I’ll see you Monday.” He offered you one of his shy waves.

No, this would not do. You’d been dreaming about those lips too long. It was time to do something about it.

You moved in close, your eyes closing as you neared his lips.

But what met your lips wasn’t his own. You felt prickly skin and your eyes shot open to see her had turned his head and your lips had landed on his stubble grazed face.

“Uhm…” you stepped back feeling incredibly uncomfortable. “Goodnight then I guess.”

You chalked it up to shyness. You guessed thirty plus years of insecurities couldn’t be washed away in a three month prison stint.

***

The next time an opportunity presented itself to steal a kiss from Spencer was a few weeks later.

You were out of town on a case and he’d invited you to his room to watch Doctor Who. You’d thought or maybe hoped it was just an excuse to get you alone in his room. You were surprised to say the least when he actually wanted to watch Doctor Who.

You sat side by side on his bed watching the small hotel TV. You dared to shuffle your hand closer until your fingers brushed and eventually you’d taken the plunge and entwined your fingers.

He didn’t seem to mind, he just gave your hand a firm squeeze as he held it.

About half way through the episode you decided to go for the kiss. You were desperate to feel those lips on yours and you hoped whatever awkwardness he felt on your date had since washed away.

You turned to face him, momentarily breathless at how beautiful he was.

“Spence,” you whispered prompting him to turn and face you.

He had a dopey half smile on those lips as he looked at you. You moved quickly, closing the space ready to feel those lips.

But once again you were met with his stubbly cheek.

You tried to tell yourself he was shy. That’s all it was. It’s not that he didn’t want to kiss you. It couldn’t be, right?

***

You’d started to think maybe Spencer had changed his mind about the two of you dating. It had been several weeks since your first date and although you’d been busy with back to back cases there had been time if he’d really wanted to take you out again.

It was nearly a month after your first date he finally asked you on a second. You’d jumped at the opportunity.

Spencer took you to the Smithsonian, you’d walked around hand in hand with Spencer telling you all kinds of facts and statistics the institution didn’t share.

You hung off his every word, mesmerised by the way his lips moved as he talked and wanting to feel them on yours with a white hot passion.

He took you for coffee after and you fell into comfortable conversation. But you couldn’t keep your eyes off those goddamn lips of his.

As you stepped out of the coffee shop hand in hand you made a quick move to place a chaste kiss on his lips as he was in the middle of telling you a story about his mom. You thought if you were fast enough he wouldn’t even see it coming and you could just get this awkward air out of the way.

You leant in fast, and as your lips were about to collide Spencer side stepped, turning to face the window of the coffee shop.

You stumbled, correcting yourself before you fell face first on the sidewalk.

“I didn’t know they had donuts! Now I want a donut.” He chuckled and suddenly he was heading back inside.

“Goddamnit Spencer.” You groaned under your breath.

By now you were starting to think he just didn’t like you. Why else would he keep dodging your attempts at kissing him?

You felt downtrodden. You felt insecure. Why on Earth had he asked you out if he didn’t want to kiss you?

***

Six dates in and all you’d done still was hold hands. You really didn’t get him. He kept asking you out but never seemed interested in doing anything other than hand holding.

You liked Spencer, a lot, but you were not willing to be in a relationship where there was no kind of intimacy.

But that was all pushed to the back of your mind when you and JJ found Spencer passed out in his apartment.

He’d been involved in an explosion thanks to the psychopath Everett Lynch. He was late for work the following day which was really unlike Spencer so you and JJ went to check on him. That’s when you’d found him.

While the rest of the team worked on finding Lynch, you stayed vigil at his bedside.

When he’d finally woken up tears streamed down your face and you’d be up like a shot.

“Oh my god Spence,” you sobbed. “I thought I was going to lose you.” You leant in to kiss his chapped lips.

He rolled his head to the side on the pillow, once again your lips meeting stubbly skin.

“I’m really thirsty.” He croaked, seemingly ignoring your actions.

You swallowed your pride with a sigh.

“I’ll get you some water Spence.” And with your tail between your legs you left the room in search of hydration.

***

After that you’d decided no more. You were fed up feeling a fool every time you tried to make a move on him only to be shot down.

So you decided you wouldn’t bother anymore.

Since he left hospital the two of you still hung out but it was less frequent as usual and the word date was never used again.

One night, it came to a head.

You were in Spencer’s apartment watching some foreign film which you were struggling to comprehend despite the subtitles.

Your mind was whirring, lost down a rabbit hole of thoughts of you and Spencer. You were so preoccupied in your own head you didn’t even notice when Spencer scooted closer to you or put his arm around your shoulders.

“Y/N?” He whispered your name, snapping you out of the abyss.

“Hmm?” You turned to face him.

His tongue glided over his bottom lip and his eyes were trained on your lips.

The next few seconds happened in slow motion. Spencer started edging closer to you, his eyes fluttering closed and his lips pursed.

And you turned your head to face the TV, allowing his lips to hit your cheek the way yours had to him so many times.

He made a strange noise that sounded halfway between a sigh and a groan. You tried to pretend you were focused on the TV. You felt his eyes on the side of your face and you tried to ignore it.

After a few minutes Spencer paused the film, the room falling silent. You swallowed a lump in your throat and slowly turned to face him.

“Why’d you stop the film?” you hoped your voice didn’t sound as shaky as you thought it did.

“I think we need to talk.” Spencer chewed his lip. “I think I need to explain why I’ve been so...weird.”

“Spencer, trust me when I say you being weird is not an unusual thing.” you tried to lighten the mood.

“Weirder than usual then.” he was fidgeting in his seat, wringing his hands together in his lap.

“I hadn’t noticed.” you lied.

“Yes you have.” he told you.

“Look Spence,” you sighed. “If you don’t want to kiss me I get it. But why would you ask me out if that’s not what you wanted?” the words spilled out of your mouth.

He nodded his understanding at your words, running one hand through his messy locks.

“I do want to kiss you Y/N.” his cheeks stained red with embarrassment. “I’ve always wanted to kiss you, since the first time I met you. Jeez, kissing is just the tip of the iceberg of things I want to do with you.” his blush deepened.

Your chest tightened at his words, a twinge passing between your legs.

“You uhm...you have a funny way of showing it.” your voice was breathy. You didn’t mean it to be.

“I know.” he nodded, gnawing his bottom lip. “I freaked myself out. I got in my head and I panicked and I didn’t know how to deal with that. So I dealt with it really, really badly and I’m sorry.”

“What were you freaking out about Spence?”

He sighed heavily, the blush still straining his cheeks.

“It took me six years to finally work up the courage to ask you out.” he laughed shyly. “But when I finally did, I was terrified I wouldn’t be good enough.”

Your face dropped, sadness in your eyes.

“Spencer,” you reached for him and took hold of his hand. It was sweating and shaking.

He shook his head sadly, telling you not to try and convince him otherwise.

“Y/N, I am not...not so great with women in case you’d never picked up on that.” he chuckled again, but again it was a shy sound. “I don’t ha-have...so much ex-experience.” he swallowed hard. “There have only been...a few...women. Not enough to make me an...ex-expert in any sense.” he swallowed again. “I just wanted to be...good...for you.”

“Oh Spencer,” you felt tears in your eyes. You had no idea he’d been going through this mental turmoil. “Spencer I don’t care. I’ve wanted you for six years. Trust me, there is no way in hell you will not be good enough. I am crazy about you Spence, and all I want in the whole right now is to kiss you. I have waited too long to know what those lips would-”

He cut you off when his lips suddenly crashed against yours.

You let out a small whimper as those plump lips of his finally kissed you. They felt better than your wildest imagination.

The whimper allowed Spencer to slide his tongue in your mouth. He held your face in his large hands, exploring your mouth with fervor.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you.

It was without a doubt the single most magical experience of your life. Nothing could have prepared you for how good his kiss would be.

It sent goosebumps flaring across your skin, making your chest tighten with lust.

It made you wet between your legs.

Maybe you should take a writing class because these lips, this kiss, definitely deserved poems written about them.

Your whole body felt as though it were on fire, every nerve ending in your body tingling with desire.

When the kiss ended you both gasped for air, trying to satiate your now empty lungs.

Spencer’s cheeks stained red again as he waited for your reaction shyly.

“I hope that was o-ok.” He stuttered a little.

You couldn’t help the large smile that broke out across your face.

“Spencer Reid, that was more than ok. It was perfect.”

His blush deepened and he looked away from you briefly before finding your eyes once more.

“Good.” He swallowed. “Because there’s a lot more I want to do with you Y/N.”

His words made you shudder.

“Now?” You swallowed, feeling oddly nervous.

“Right now.” He nodded before taking your face in his hands and kissing you again.

He was going to show exactly what his lips could do. And those poems practically wrote themselves between the sheets.

—————————————————————

Taglist -

@muffin-cup

@andiebeaword

@mggsprettygirl

@measure-in-pain

@ptrs-prkrs

#12 days of shipmas #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x fem!reader

[pogueit]

First Aid Kit

Paring: Pope Heyward x Reader

Summary: You have an accident while attempting to do a new trick and Pope is the man for the job.

Warnings: blood ofc and general first aid stuff nothing too graphic tho!!

WC: 1,994

A/N: There's not enough Pope content!! SO I made some!! Pls enjoy some Pope and Y/N action!

THE GIF IS NOT MINE IT BELONGS TO @rue-bennett !!!!

Saturdays are not meant to be boring, but this scorching afternoon there was nothing to do. John B. went on his weekly date with Sarah, JJ scored a date with a kook he's been eyeing, and Kie was forced to go to a gala on the mainland, so it was just you and Pope alone in the chateau. He had been studying all day for an upcoming chemistry exam he has first thing Monday morning. You tried all day to get his head out of the books, but he was not having any of it. It wasn't until the late afternoon that you got him to go outside with you. Even though his nose was still deep in the piles of notes at least he was outside. You were skating on a horrifically uneven stretch of concrete that was oddly slathered in front of the chateau. Every time he could hear the wheels pop upwards he would snap his eyes to you, cheering you on when you stuck the landing. You were glad that he was far enough away to not be able to see how red your cheeks were. You've had a massive crush on the boy ever since Kie introduced you to the group. Your mom had just moved your ass down to the banks to get a fresh start far away from your poor excuse for a father. She managed to quickly score a job at The Wreck (where you were also forced to work part-time) as head chef. Your mom got on well with the Carrera's who only deemed it appropriate to force their daughter to hang out with you, being new in town and all. Kie wasn’t bothered at all and was glad to have another girl around. After hanging out with her for a single day, you wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for her. Kiara didn't introduce you to the knuckleheads right away, since she had taken a liking to you and didn't want to scare you away. The day that she did you remembered Pope had been the last one to say "hey" yet his was the warmest. After that day your stomach would erupt with butterflies whenever you'd even look at him and you would nearly die when your hands would brush against each other in passing. There was just something about him. Maybe it was how he didn't believe in stupid questions, except for JJ's of course, or how he would learn a new subject just to be able to help one of you ace an exam. It could be how the sun sparkled against his wet skin after a long day of swimming or surfing. How relaxed he looks sitting in the driver's seat of the HMS Pogue taking in all that the sun had to offer. You were glad the rest of the crew hadn't caught on yet, especially JB since he's already taken the role as your big brother, even though you're sure that you’re definitely older than him. He would never let you hear the end of it if he knew. The constant pestering, nudging, and side-eyeing would have driven you insane. Your mind slowly drifted back to the boy studying a few feet away from you. The thoughts of those hot summer nights in the cool water with him clouded your brain, so much so you nearly wiped out.

"You good!?" Pope's concerned voice made your head snap in his direction. You knew that the embarrassment on your face was very telling but you just shot him two thumbs up and got back on your board. You shake off any remaining thoughts from your head before attempting your new trick. You were sick and tired of random strangers, but mostly JJ and JB, yelling at you to do a kickflip whenever you were skating. After watching countless videos on kickflips you were basically an expert on them at this point and all you had to do now was actually stick the landing. You slid your right foot to the middle of the board so that your heel was just off the edge while your toes rested in the middle. You shifted your left foot to the tail of the deck and with all the strength you could muster you push down on the tail while your right foot flicked down on the edge of the board. It would have been a spectacular landing if it weren't for the random-ass pebble that your wheel landed on.

"Oh fuck, are you alright!?" Pope was by your side before you even realized you were on the ground. Falling came with the game and you were not fazed at all, since you've had grislier wipeouts than this, but that's before you saw the fountain of blood that poured out of your knee.

"Yeah, I'm fine dude-- I've had-- I need to--The bathroom--" you hobbled quickly into the bathroom at the chateau trying your darndest to not get any blood in the house. By the time you were able to sit down on the toilet, you were seeing stars. Your vision was slowly fading to black and you felt like you were going to vomit. You closed your eyes tightly as you pressed a clump of toilet paper to your knee, which pulled a hiss right from your lungs at the sensation. Promptly, you bit down on your bottom lip to keep yourself from letting out a scream. A light knock came from the door and it couldn't be anyone else but Pope.

"Are you alright in there y/n?" From all the pain you were in you could only hum out a yes as a response, but you knew that would not be a good enough answer for the boy.

"Yeah, just don't--" before you could even finish your sentence he barged in "--open the door, why don't ya". His eyes grew wide at the bloody mess you made in the bathroom, but then quickly softened at the sight of you. Your skin was flushed with developing perspiration clinging to your skin and your lips had gone pale as your lungs suddenly only knew how to hyperventilate.

"Uh, I don’t think it would be in your best interest to say that it looks like a slasher flick was filmed in here" his words made you squeeze your eyes tighter as bloody images flashed before you and it only got harder for you to breathe. Pope stepped inside the rather small bathroom and closed the door behind him. He picked up all the toilet paper you had used for your leg and tossed them into the trash bin before he crouched down next to you.

"Does it still hurt?" His voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, as if you would shatter if he spoke any louder. All you could muster was a tiny nod as the pain took up most of your energy. His hands then gently pried your hands off of your injured knee and inspected it. Since the cut had almost stopped bleeding completely, Pope, was able to see that the wound was deep but not enough for it to garner any stitches and it was free of any debris. Lucky for you because JB had fallen there a couple of weeks ago and Pope had to whip out the tweezers to get all the gravel out of the bloody gash.

"Hey, it's not that bad-- I mean it is bad but it could be worse-- I'm gonna clean it now" the boy got to his feet and helped you sit on the edge of the bathtub with your feet sitting inside the tub. He then washed his hands furiously to avoid infection and gathered all the supplies he needed which consisted of antibacterial soap, antibiotic cream, gauze pads, gauze rolls, and unconditional love and support. Pope helped you undo both your shoes and removed them along with your embarrassing Winnie the Pooh socks. He sat with his legs outside the tub to have easy access to the supplies. After he checked to make sure the water wasn't too hot or too cold Pope moved your leg so your knee was underneath the faucet. The wound's contact with the water wasn't as bad as you thought, but it could’ve been you were distracted by his soothing touches as he held you close to him. Pope was careful not to get any of the soap in the cut just on the surrounding area and when he was finished he made sure to clean the rest of your blood-caked leg up as well. Once you were all cleaned up, he padded your leg dry before he attempted to put ointment on the tender flesh.

"Is it going to hurt?" You squeaked as he retrieved the ointment from the countertop.

"It might sting, but it shouldn't, '' he reassured you, as he brought the ointment-covered q-tip to your knee, but you couldn't help that your knee-jerked away from his touch.

"Ow, fuck!"

"Y/n, I haven't even touched you yet"

"I know, I know, sorry"

"I promise it won't hurt, y/n, and if it does you can punch me or something" even if it did hurt that bad you couldn’t imagine hurting Pope in any way. He once again leaned back in with the q-tip and sure enough, it wasn't painful at all. The ointment soothed the burning sensation of the area which finally allowed you to relax. He then carefully put a gauze pad on the injury, before wrapping your knee securely with gauze. You slid off the edge of the grimy porcelain tub and onto the ground while Pope stood next to the sink and neatly tucked everything back into the first aid kit.

"Uh, thanks--" your words got lost in your throat when your eyes met his warm eyes "--um, dude?" You felt stupid when it came out as a dumbfounded question and the heat quickly rose to your cheeks. If it was any time for you to die you wish it would have happened right then.

"Yeah, any time, y/n" he shot an endearing smile in your direction and you've never wanted to kiss a man so much before in your life.

You both let the awkwardness settle over you. The two of you riddled with hesitancy, but quietly yearned to confess your feelings to one another. He needed to get out of there. Pope gave you a curt nod and a tight smile, but as he headed towards the door there was vacillation in his movements. Before you lost sight of him from the doorway, he turned back around determined.

"Y/N, I gotta--" you were soon on your feet as the last bit of courage you had for your lifetime allowed you to meet him halfway. He didn't bother finishing his sentence as he decided his actions would speak for him. Pope cupped your face in his soft hands and crashed your lips together. The kiss was sweet, sweeter than anything you've ever experienced before. His plump lips gilded confidently over your timid ones. As the fire inside of you diminished your shyness you shifted yourself forward onto your tippy toes to deepen the kiss. Your movements caused you to pin Pope against the bathroom wall and you could feel him smile against your lips. His velvet tongue dragged against your bottom lip for permission to explore you further and you were more than eager to let him.

"Fucking finally!" The familiar voice of the rowdy klepto caught you guys by surprise causing both of you to jump away from each other.

"I guess I'm forty bucks richer, I knew you had it in ya, Pope!" JJ beamed as he walked towards the two of you and you playfully rolled your eyes at the blonde-haired boy.

"Fuck off!" Pope giggled and slammed the door in JJ's face before he turned to face you.

"Now, where were we?"

#pope heyward #pope fic #pope heyward fic #obx fic #pope x reader #pope heyward x reader #pope x y/n #pope obx fic #pope heyward imagine #pope obx #pope heyward outer banks #pope heyward x you #my fic #pogueit

[timeoverload]

I tried writing last night but I was way too tired and pissed off to do that. I didn't even want to eat dinner last night. I was angry yesterday about a lot of things.

I got to work and the morning team lead was there but he got sent home again by the health nurse. It's good that he left because he sounded horrible. I should have went in early but I was told that he was going to be there so it wasn't necessary. I had to scramble to finish opening decontam and get my stuff set up. My boss was in the department for a little while but then she disappeared when my other co-worker came in. She was not helpful at all while she was there either. I do care about my boss but I am very irritated with her right now. She told me she was going to take instruments down for sharpening and she had to go see how things were going in the basement. She said she wasn't going to be gone very long but she lied. I didn't see her again for hours. She disappears all the time and usually she doesn't communicate. She just tells us to call her if we need something but we still can't always rely on her to show up or do what she says she will do. One of the girls that works in sterile processing in the basement came up to ask if she could have a couple biological packs and some controls. She had been waiting on our boss to bring her some but she didn't hear anything for hours so she came to talk to me. Apparently the boss told her she was going to go help upstairs while she told me that she was going to be in the basement. I was so pissed because she lied to both of us and we were both drowning. I understand that she can't be everywhere at once but she was probably somewhere chatting with someone and drinking coffee because that's usually what she's doing when we can't find her. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if she hadn't told both of us that she was going to help us and then do nothing. I told her how many cases I had and she didn't really care whether I got breakfast or not. She had brought scotcheroos for my other co-workers birthday and she basically said that I would have to eat those if I got hungry. She didn't use those exact words but I think it's fucked up that she couldn't cover for me for 15 minutes so I could go eat. It was nice of her to bring some sweets but I just wanted some real food because I haven't been able to eat breakfast since Monday. She was the only person there that could help me and she knew that. Around noon she came in and asked if I wanted to eat lunch and of course I said yes. She asked my co-worker who comes in at noon to cover for me so that was helpful I guess. I was so hangry all morning. I was so hungry that I bought a sandwich even though I hate their sandwiches. My boss also changed the decontam shift schedule and she put herself in there from 11-12:30 but she didn't come back to the department until noon. My co-worker had been in decontam for 3 hours at that point because she didn't show up to relieve him and I felt bad for him. He was pissed when she finally popped her head through the window to ask him if he wanted her to come back there. He said he didn't want her back there and someone else came in to take over. She shouldn't have put herself on the schedule if she knew she wasn't going to be able to do it. I know she has been sick for a while and it sucks. I do feel bad for her and I want her to be healthy. I really think it's time for her to retire though. I don't think she can handle it anymore and I can tell her heart isn't in it because she used to be very passionate. She doesn't care like she used to. She has definitely changed a lot in 8 years. My whole morning was very chaotic yesterday. I got 23 pans done by myself before noon. They also opened a lot of other sets. It was a lot of work. I was wishing that I could clone myself. I feel like a robot because I do the same shit over and over again. I didn't cry but I wanted to. The afternoon was a little better because I didn't have to move as fast but the last case didn't get done until 4. I had so much stuff to do at the end of the day but I managed to get it done before 5 so that's good.

I left work feeling disgusted and nauseated due to all of the negative energy around me all day. I just wish that I felt like I could fit in. Some people are just so cold and unfriendly. I'm tired of people giving me dirty looks. I have never felt like I belonged there. It is a nightmare and I'm stressed out. I never thought I could develop PTSD from a job and I think it will haunt me even after I leave. I don't want to think about it anymore because I don't want to dwell on it all weekend. I had nightmares about it last night. I'm definitely not looking forward to next week.

I still feel like trash today and I am having horrible cramps too. I managed to get out of bed and get a couple groceries this morning so at least I have something to eat. I don't want to get up now and it sucks because I have so much shit to do. I slept a lot last night but I am still tired. I guess I woke up several times in a panic so that probably didn't help. I think I need to take a nap sometime and maybe I will feel better. I am very happy to be at home and I need to try to enjoy my day.

I hope everyone else is having a good day so far. :) 💖💖💖

#personal

[fractallogic]

here are Some Thoughts™ that are mostly reminders of things I got done since 4 PM, since I feel like I haven't done shit today other than sit on the couch:

1. I did not have dice in my mailbox today. in fact, I only got the mail that USPS said they were mailing to me yesterday. sigh.

2. I am REALLY happy to say that Butch Turtle is well lit for the first time in a very long time. he has his warm light, which I fucked up and knocked over and broke a few days ago and needed to get a whole new lamp for because the bottom of the bulb is stuck in the socket, and he also has his UV light for Shell Health (which I replaced ??? ago, but the lamp didn't work, so I had to get a new lamp, which I got right before I moved so I didn't do anything, and then it still didn't work, so I needed to get a new bulb, which I hadn't done until today, and it turned out the previous lamp worked all along, which meant I got a dud bulb, which SUCKS because now I can't return it because god only knows where that receipt and packaging are and they are EXPENSIVE at ~$25 each)

3. I finally filled out the authorization to release medical records to the new doctor, and hopefully they get it before my appointment next thursday

4. I also found a new practice right next to my house (basically) that gets very good reviews and is also taking new patients, in case I can't make it clear to the previous doc that she made me feel bad about myself and her team fucked up and was rude to me instead of apologizing for their mistake

5. I also requested study credits for next term so that I can run participants through the human subjects pool. the deadline to request is sunday(?), so cutting it close, as usual

6. This means I have some extra motivation to finish up the pilot study and my stuff for the main study, since I think the credits can be reallocated to someone else if I don't use them by like, week 5 or something

7. today should be a full shower day because my hair is kind of gross, but I am also kind of tired and don't want to. but I also feel better after I wash my hair and it doesn't actually take that much effort.

8. goal for tomorrow is to buy next year's health insurance, put the final touches on the contract critique for this one kid I've been working on for literally three weeks because I can't just fucking sit down and do it, read through my student's statement of purpose, do one pomodoro of work on another contract, and do two pomodoros of work on the book. I'm pretty sure that's going to amount to about two hours of work. I'm telling that to my brain right now because before I sit down to do it I'll feel like it's the worst thing in the world, but when I actually get started, I'll feel MUCH better about it and be able to power through a lot

9. also we must wash the dishes on the counter tomorrow. we have to. we have no clean pots and we want to make puttanesca sauce, and also no counter space to do fucking anything.

10. this weekend it would be nice if we returned the cans and bottles to the recycling thing by the grocery store. we need to get groceries and plan the meals for next week anyway, so do it then. (puttanesca recipe makes four servings, so we don't really even have to plan much or get many groceries.)

11. don't forget to go to campus on Monday for the undergrad event. also don't forget about the lab gathering on Monday night. also don't forget to send New Collaborator your grant.

12. my neighbor asked me to spend a few hours hanging out with her partner's elderly cat while they're away on a ~romantic mountain retreat~ (or sth) this weekend, but hasn't gotten me a key to their place and they leave tomorrow. I feel concerned for the cat.

13. I am going to get in bed before midnight tonight because my revenge bedtime procrastination hasn't even been interesting lately, and if I continue getting up at 8 AM after sleeping enough, there actually is enough time in the day to a) work, b) wash dishes, c) take a walk, d) make dinner, and e) play video games in a very comfortable, non-rushed kind of way without having to also stay up late to do any of them

14. don't let the SAD win. fuck you, SAD. I know it's dark outside. I don't care. sitting on the couch doesn't help.

[secondhandnewsradio]

SHN INTERVIEW: Sleep Walking Animals

by Claire Silverman

photo: Ryan Hall

Sleep Walking Animals, the indie-folk alternative rock band from Manchester, England, have just released their self-titled debut EP. Since SHN first interviewed the band at the start of the year, they have released two more singles, started playing live shows again as restrictions opened up, and have announced a co-headlining tour around the UK in October. At their EP launch gig at the Fiddler’s Elbow in Camden on the 20th of September, they performed their new music to a sold out crowd.

CS: Congrats on the EP coming out. When we spoke back in February, you mentioned your plans for the EP, so it’s very exciting that it’s here now. How are you all feeling?

Tom: Like it's about time.

Jack: “Angus’ Fool.” “Wild Folk,” and “Dance Laura Dance” are on the EP, so we started recording this EP in October 2019. So it's been a big process, and the EP is kind of about that process.

Tom: We didn't want to release things until we were happy with everything, because we did record enough songs back in 2019 to go on an EP. But in post [production], we were a little bit concerned that they weren't all up to the standard that we wanted. It was our first time in a studio together as well when we recorded those songs, so we needed to practice, we needed to get together more and get more experienced in the studio. Then we ended up going up to Stockport and using a studio called Green Velvet Studios and we laid down five tracks, three of which are on the EP.

Jack: So, yes, excited.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: Is there an overarching theme across the EP?

Tom: It feels like it's very much about things that have happened to us in the time it took to put the EP together, and things that have inspired us enough to write about, you know, various introductions to people, to new experiences, illnesses, life events that sparked something within us to try to make a good song out of.

Jack: The whole EP spans across when we started the band in 2018 right up to now, so a lot of the songs are about growth and change. But the songs are about our growth musically as well, which is a nice kind of coincidence.

Tom: “Angus’ Fool” was the first song we ever wrote together, so the EP spans from our first song together to things we were writing in lockdown. So like Jack said it’s a span of two and a half years.

Alex: “Native” was written after we played Farm Fest [this summer].

CS: So now that you have more music out and have started to establish your sound, how did you figure out what genre of music you wanted to make?

Alex: It's funny, you just mentioned “Native” and I think that was the point that pushed us to fatten up the sound a little bit. I mean, the style of the song made us realize that we can push it a little bit more. And we have a few like one recorded songs, which are definitely a lot more rock-y.

Tom: We're inspired by all sorts of different bands as well. And, you hear it said a lot but a lot of great artists steal from other great artists and that's how they become great, so we're taking influences from people that we all listen to. So this is why it's hard whenever anybody asks “so what kind of genre of music do you play?” I can never really answer that because it’s changing all the time.

Jack: But I was saying to Bill the other day, (he's not officially in the band yet but he kind of is. He's the drummer who played with us on Monday) we've never really spoken about what genre we want to write. We didn't speak about influences, particularly.

Tom: We're just going with ideas. We all have our own little pockets of interest that we bring to the table and I think that’s what makes out sound quite unique

Alex: When someone brings something and then all of a sudden there's so many layers on top of it, which are coming from all kinds of different directions. And it's just hard to put your finger on what it actually is. But it's cool and we like it.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: It seems as though COVID restrictions are kind of mostly lifted here in England. At least, concerts are happening again. What's that been like, through the pandemic till now, and being able to play live shows again?

Tom: It’s been a massive relief, really, it means that we can get out there and get some gigging experience, start playing our stuff live. It's a completely different beast to be in the studio, it’s a completely different skill to have. And the more we do it, the more we’ll improve, and the more people will respond well to our gigs. There is such a massive impact from a live gig that you don't get from sitting down and putting your headphones in and listening to the Spotify track. You get the performance, you get the live engagement with music, and with the people on stage. That's just palpable.

CS: Since you're all performers, you're all actors, how do you think your other stage experience impacts your music?

Jack: That's an interesting one. Because I think the three of us are definitely coming out of acting and want to follow music, solely. Obviously, Tom, you both really well. [Laughter] And Nuwan’s also still following both. It's just something that when we are playing live, and it's going well, and there aren’t any technical issues, that we can just give ourselves completely to that moment. And I think that's easier for someone who has trained to do that, which is kind of what we did at drama school, I guess, to give yourself to the moment,

Tom: Yeah, there are great artists and performers, actors, musicians who haven't haven't gone through a formal training process. I think it's actually more important than training. Personally, I find the two things very different, being onstage as a member of Sleep Walking Animals and being on stage or on screen and being an actor in a role. I think the only similarity for me really, is the fact that when we go on stage as Sleep Walking Animals, I feel myself put on a character. I'm not Tom, I’m whatever else that is.

Jack: John. [Laughter]

Tom: I think we all do that whether we realize it or not. Because we'd be crippled with anxiety and insecurity and all the other horrid things that sort of flood into you when you're onstage performing in any way, you know, those don't happen or they sort of diminish if you put on that guise. So I guess that helps in that sort of transition.

photo: Claire Silverman

CS: You mentioned Farm Fest a bit earlier. What was it and how did it come about? And how was it?

Tom: So Farm Fest is a new, upstart festival that myself and my girlfriend Lottie host and organized. It's on her childhood farm and it's something that Lottie had wanted to do for a long time, to use that land to provide a space for a festival, entertainment, camping. We started it a couple years ago. There was that little bit of time between lockdowns where we got a weird freedom in the summer of 2020 and people felt like it had kind of gone away. Luckily, we all collectively know a bunch of musicians and comedians. It started small and then this year, we did it again. We charged a bit more money for tickets, and we are getting bigger and better. It feels like it's sort of gaining a bit of momentum. And it was the highlight of our year, we got to perform on a mainstage with a great sound set up. For us it was a big crowd to play to who all knew the songs and were singing along. It felt like a real festival, right.

CS: You guys are pretty active on social media, at least on the Sleep Walking Animals account. You guys don't always take things super seriously, which I like. What’s your approach to using social media? What do you think of it?

Jack: I wish we didn't have to. I think we probably all do realize the importance of it because Instagram is pretty much the only way of promoting anything, which is so fucking sad. Yeah. And I thought today, because Joe and I are reading a book about Joy Division and the start of the punk scene stuff, and they didn't even have t-shirts, because they wanted to stick it to the man and that kind of thing. But you just can't do that now. It's just like times have changed and there’s so many bands and so many artists that you have to be on it. Like, it will only be a matter of time before we go on to TikTok.

Tom: As an unsigned band without management or label yet, you know, we're left to do it on our own. Like Jack said, it's our only way of letting people know about our music. We might as well try and enjoy it if we've got to do it.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: Now that the EP is out, what are your future plans for the band?

Tom: World domination?

Joe: Recording.

Tom: Yeah, more tunes. We've got quite a few unrecorded ones. Keep doing what we're doing, really, following the footsteps of the people and bands and artists who have inspired us. Just keep going with it and see what happens. We're not putting immense amounts of pressure on ourselves. We do it because we love it. We do it because we think our music is worth pursuing. Yeah. Just see where the wind takes us.

CS: And you've got a tour coming up in October.

Jack: Yeah, a UK tour. It’s a co-headlining tour with Polary and My Pet Fauxes. So we're playing in different cities and we're all sharing the headlines slot and supporting each other at the different venues.

Tom: The 17th of October we're playing Leeds at Oporto, then on the 18th at Dublin Castle in London, the 19th we’re in Bristol at Crofters Rights and then the 20th at Night & Day in Manchester.

CS: Good luck for those shows and again, congratulations on releasing your debut EP.

This interview has been lightly edited for clarity and length.

Listen to Sleep Walking Animals’ debut EP here

Follow the band on Instagram Twitter Spotify YouTube 

sleepwalkinganimals.com

#second #shn radio #sleep walking animals #tom glynn carney #jack brett #joe etherington #alex hartford #nuwan hugh perera #new music #new release #new ep #angus' fool #wild folk #dance laura dance #native of the northlands #taste of it #the drone interlude #polary #my pet fauxes #farm fest #indie music #alternative rock #alt rock #folk music

[captainjanegay]

Where I’m Meant to Be | Stucky | Meet-Cute, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Kid Fic, No powers AU | Chapters 7/? | total 29k words | Ao3

Summary: Bucky is a single dad coming back from a work trip with a very bored, very whiney 7-year-old girl. A mysterious stranger with a kind heart and a notebook full of doodles comes to the rescue.

A/N: It's been... so long since I've updated this fic. I'm sorry but life got in the way and I couldn't bring myself to write anything. Here I come with apologies and hopes that you haven't forgotten about the adventures of Bucky, Alex and Steve. I'm gonna treat you with the longest chapter I've ever written (it's like 5.3k). I hope you'll like it, I got a bit carried away and my space-nerdiness is showing every now and then.

The chapters will probably come very irregularly from now on but I'll try my best not to have too long gaps between each update. I love you all and — as always — thank you so, so much for your continuous support. I cherish every single reader, every single like and every single comment you leave here :')

Chapter 7

(5.2k)

When Monday rolls around, Bucky faces New York’s chilly morning as he makes his way to work. It’s been only a few days since he got sick, but he feels significantly better now. His nose might still be stuffed and his throat might feel a bit scratchy, but he is mostly fine. No more coughing fits, no more fever. And it’s not like he could say no when his boss called him to check how he was doing and ask if he’d be able to come by before Christmas to do some required maintenance work.

But it’s fine, since the work at the Institute has slowed down, many people have already taken their days off for the Christmas break. It’s calmer than usual and Bucky can do whatever he’s supposed to do in peace.

It's a bit past noon and Bucky's mindlessly staring at the progress bar on his screen and enjoys his coffee. The peace and quiet — excluding his Christmas playlist playing in the background — is disturbed by the ringing of his phone. Slightly startled, Bucky looks around, searching for the device. After a quick glance at the screen, he answers the call.

"Hi, Buck!" Steve says, his voice soft and warm. "I hope I didn't wake you up or anything. Just wanted to check up on you, see how you're feeling."

"That's very sweet of you," Bucky says, his lips spreading in a smile. "And I'm fine, thank you. Currently waiting for the data backup to finish so you've disrupted my staring contest with the progress bar."

Steve doesn't appreciate the joke. Instead, he asks, "You're at work?" After receiving an affirmative hum, he lets out a slightly annoyed huff. "Why? You should still be in bed! Three days ago you've been barely able to get up for longer than 10 minutes. You should still rest, Buck."

"It's been six days ago, thank you very much," Bucky answers. "And I'm fine, Steve. I promise. I wouldn't come if I was still feeling sick, but the fever's been gone for a few days," two but Steve doesn't have to know that, "and I'm not coughing anymore. I'm as fit as a fiddle."

"I can hear you sniffle."

"It's the allergies," Bucky lies and that makes Steve laugh, although a bit exasperated.

"You're horrible," he says. "Bet you haven't even eaten breakfast or drink enough water or like... didn’t even wear a hat even though you’re sick."

"I did have a toast while I ran to catch the train. And now I'm having coffee for lunch. And it’s not even that cold."

An honest-to-God gasp escapes Steve's mouth after he hears that. Of course he's a Mr. Healthy Lifestyle, Bucky shouldn't even be surprised.

"How are you even functioning? You gotta take care of yourself, Buck."

Bucky's heart skips a bit. It's nice to have someone worry about him. Even if he's being dragged in the meantime. And it was nice when Steve took care of him and Alex back when Bucky was too sick to do this. Of course, he has people who do that. Clint, Tasha, Scott -- he can always count on them. But somehow it feels different with Steve. Steve hasn't been around for years like the others, he's known Bucky for just a few months and he still decided to offer his kindness and care. This thought made Bucky's heart do somersaults in his chest.

So did the fact that Steve had a nickname to Bucky's nickname. And he's been using it a lot. Bucky really likes it.

"I'm functioning very well, thank you. And so is Alex, because I'm not as hopeless in taking care of her, luckily," Bucky chuckles. Before Steve can't say anything, Bucky adds, "Besides, I've been able to survive 28 years like this so don't be overdramatic. No need to go all mother hen on me."

"Oh, you think this is overdramatic?" Steve asks, amused. "You clearly don't know what me being overdramatic is, pal. This is just some simple, friendly check-in."

"Okay, now I'm kinda curious," Bucky says. His cheeks hurt from smiling so much. "Hypothetically, what would one have to do to see what is Steve Rogers's definition of overdramatic?"

It makes Steve let out another laugh. "Careful what you wish for, Buck." It sounds like Steve wants to say something else but there's some noise in the background and his voice becomes distant and inaudible for a moment. When he comes back, he says with a sigh, "Sorry 'bout that. I need to go back to work. I'm glad you're feeling better but eat a proper meal or I'll hunt you down."

"Oh, so no mother hen anymore, were going straight to threats, okay." Bucky nods to himself and Steve huffs out a laugh. "Thanks for the call, Steve. It's very sweet of you. Have a nice day."

"You, too. Say hi to Alex from me."

"I will. Bye, Steve."

.

A small smile is still present on Bucky's face when a few hours later he's picking Alex up from school. It grows bigger when she runs towards him down the stairs, her haphazardly wrapped scarf fluttering behind her. He takes a moment to tuck it properly and then takes Alex's backpack from her.

“How was school today?” Bucky asks as they head home.

“Fine. We played soccer and I scored once!” Alex answers proudly. “Even Adrian didn’t and he’s very good. Maya didn’t want to play ‘cause she says girls shouldn’t play soccer.”

“Jokes on her, because we have a women’s national soccer team and they’re the best. They’re the world champions.”

A gasps escapes Alex’s mouth. “Really? That’s so cool! I want to be a soccer player when I grow up!”

“Not a ballerina, anymore?” Bucky asks, with a small smile.

“No, I’m gonna be a ballerina but I’m gonna play soccer sometimes, too. But that’s after I’ll fly to the moon!”

Bucky only nods and grins at her. He wouldn’t be surprised in the least if she actually pulled that off in the future. There weren’t many things that could stop her since she decided upon something.

“How’s space?” Alex asks, swinging their hands back and forth.

Bucky chuckles. It’s a bit of a tradition at this point. He doesn’t really remember how it started but now she never asks him “how’s work” but it’s always “how’s space?”. Personally, Bucky loves it. It makes him feel like he’s doing much cooler things that he really does.

“Pretty boring, sadly,” he admits. “Didn’t have much to do today and many people are on their breaks so no fun space facts to share today. I chatted on the phone with Steve and he wanted me to say hi to you.”

“Oh, is he coming over today?”

Slightly confused with the question, Bucky shakes his head. “No, he’s not. We just talked on the phone. Why?”

“I don’t know, I thought you liked Steve.”

“Well, I do. I like uncle Scott too but we don’t hang out with him every day, either. Steve has his own life and stuff to do, so we shouldn’t bother him all the time.”

Alex makes a small hum and Bucky’s not sure if it’s a dismissive or an agreeing one. After a moment, she adds, “I bet he wouldn’t mind though. He told me he really likes you.”

“What? When?” The revelation almost makes Bucky stop in the middle of the pavement. The biggest surprise is not that Steve likes him, Bucky has figured out this much after all those times they’ve hung out together. What really takes him aback is that apparently his daughter and Steve are having conversations about him when he’s not there.

“When you were sick and Steve went to ballet class with me. I told him he’s cool and I’m happy you have him so you’re not so lonely. And he said he thinks we’re really cool too and that he likes us a lot.”

This time Bucky slows down and eventually stops. There’s a furrow between his brows when he looks at Alex.

“Why would you think I’m lonely, munchkin? I’m not, I have you and mama, uncle Clint and Scott. And now Steve. I’m more than fine.”

“Well… Okay, maybe I didn’t mean lonely. But sometimes when you have a lot to do and you worry and mama or uncle Clint are busy you do this—” Alex furrows her brows and pouts, apparently imitating a worried Bucky “and you’re quiet and worried. And now you smile even more than you did. You smile all the time when you text Steve.”

For a moment, Bucky only gapes at her, not sure how to react. That’s a lot of information coming at once from his 7-year-old daughter.

“I’m— Well, I’m okay, even if I worry sometimes. And I couldn’t be lonely, having such a sweet little munchkin by my side,” he smiles, bopping her on the nose and getting a smile in return. “But thank you for caring about me, sweetheart. I love you to the moon and back.”

“And I love you to Jupiter!” she answers.

“But not back?” Bucky raises an eyebrow.

“Nah, it’s already so far away, it’s enough.”

The conversation with Alex stays in Bucky’s head for the rest of the day. It’s gnawing at him enough that before he goes to bed, he takes out his phone and calls Natasha.

“How’s my favourite co-parent doing?” she greets.

“Do you have any more co-parents?” Bucky asks instead of answering.

“Nope. That’s what makes you my favourite.” Bucky only sighs so she continues. “Did something happen? You’re usually in the mood for late night conversation when something’s on your mind.”

There’s no point in denying it since Natasha would see right through him. “It’s nothing bad. Apparently Alex thinks I’m lonely.”

“Well, she’s not wrong.”

“What? Tasha, no. I’m not lonely, where did you two get that idea?”

“James, it’s not my fault that you’re an idiot. I know that you have people who love you around. You know that, too. But I know and you also should know — but here’s the ‘idiot’ part — that it might not be enough sometimes. And I’m pretty sure we’ve had a similar conversation like a month ago, so I don’t know why you act all surprised now.”

“Remind me, why did I even call you?”

“Because I am incredible and you value my opinion like no one else’s and also you love me deeply,” Natasha explains dutifully. 

Bucky huffs out a laugh as he sits heavily on the side of his bed. His eyes land on the comic from Steve, still laying on Bucky’s bedside table, propped against the lamp. “Sounds fake, but okay.”

“Did our daughter have any more revelations for you?” Natasha asks.

“Well…,” Bucky hesitates for a moment. “She and Steve gossip about me when I’m not around. And apparently I’ve been smiling more lately. But that’s about it.” 

Natasha hums but even through the phone Bucky can hear that she’s rather amused. 

"What?" Bucky asks.

"I didn't say anything!"

"I can hear you laughing, just say whatever mean thing you're going to say and let's get this over with."

"I'm not gonna say anything mean! I was just wondering when we'd mention Steve in this conversation," she chuckles. "But really. Even your daughter can see that a relationship would be good for you. And that you like Steve a lot. Why not kill two birds with one Steve?"

Bucky sighs. "Because one Steve is also enough to kill this friendship we have."

"Why do you always just automatically assume that things will get fucked? It doesn't have to be the case. I'm serious, you'd better take a grip on yourself and ask him out or I'm back in three days and I'll do this for you. And I'll be as obnoxious and embarrassing for you as I can."

That's actually a pretty horrible threat. She would do that. And it would be both mortifying and horrible to experience for all the involved parties — maybe except Natasha. Bucky laughs, trying to imagine it, but the laugh is short-lived.

"Come on, Nat," Bucky starts after a moment, getting serious. "Steve is great and it's great having him around. But what if I make a move and he's not interested? I don't want to freak him out. Or remember that message I accidentally saw on his computer? He might be seeing someone already or be interested in someone else," Bucky pinches the bridge of his nose. "Plus, I know from experience that no matter how much he might seem to like me, a guy with a kid can turn out to be a bit much for people. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want Alex to get hurt. She adores Steve and I don't know if I can risk it."

"But I'm telling you, nobody's getting hurt anytime soon," Natasha chimes in. "You're overthinking, Yasha. Those are all valid concerns but you know what the counterargument is?" She takes a small break but she's not expecting Bucky to respond. "Steve's a good guy. He likes you. He likes Alex. He came to a primary school dance recital after knowing you for like a week just because you and Alex asked him to. Even if he doesn't want a relationship, it doesn’t mean that your friendship has to end. From all you've told me, he doesn't seem like the kind to trample on your hearts like this. Give yourself some time, but promise me you're gonna think about it, okay? And call me if you work yourself up into an anxious mess again, okay?”

“I will try not to be an anxious mess, but I’ll let you know. And I’ll think about it. Thanks, Tasha.” Bucky says.

“I love you no matter what, you dumbfuck. Bye.”

Bucky barely manages to say it back before she hangs up. He shakes his head with a small smile and retrieves his charger cable from behind the bedside table. As he plugs his phone, he accidentally knocks down the drawing from Steve. He picks it up, staring at the soft lines for who-knows-which time. His thumb gently traces the “Get well soon, Buck! x” scribbled at the bottom.

Looking at it, Bucky imagines the moment when Steve was writing it down. In his mind, he sees both Steve and Alexandra at the kitchen table, both leaning over their respective pieces of paper, focused on whatever they’re drawing. They are smiling, chatting about whatever common interest they’ve currently discovered. It’s a very nice picture. Enough to make Bucky’s heart ache.

Because Natasha is right. This is exactly what Bucky craves and what he’s been ignoring for years. That domesticity, that warm feeling one gets when looking at someone they care about. That happiness. He can almost imagine himself joining the picture he’s created in his head, walking over to that table and dropping a kiss first on Alex’s head and then on Steve’s, before he starts preparing the dinner. It feels right. 

Maybe it’s not usual to imagine this calm, family life with someone he’s not even in a relationship with. Most people probably think of tons of other things, things that are not so… settled. Not as serious. Sometimes they never reach this part. But Bucky has figured a while ago that it doesn’t really work for him. He already has a family. And this family means everything and more to him. If he ever was to date, he has to make sure that the person would fit into his and Alexandra’s life. He has to skip ahead to make sure it’s worth going through the dates and the passion and all the work a relationship requires, without it all ending in a heartbreak. But Steve… 

Steve fits so well into this picture, it scares Bucky a bit. Because this would be even harder to let go, if things didn't work out.

It's pretty clear, now that he allows himself to think about it, that he has some feelings for Steve. Besides the friendliness and sympathy, that is. They're the romantic kind and they're still fresh and shy but they're here. And Bucky has absolutely no clue how to deal with them. It's not even that surprising, he realises. Because how could he not catch feelings for Steve? For the kindest, most thoughtful and most selfless person in the world? For someone with his heart made of gold, who always knows how to make Bucky laugh? Someone who gets so passionate about the things he loves and just as much about the ones he despises? Who cares deeply, laughs with his whole body and who next to all this softness and kindness, is also a stubborn little asshole? Who — and this is the most important of all — adores Alex and whom she adores just as much?

Bucky's heart was a lost cause from the start.

Steve has a lot of qualities that Bucky would fall for if he looked for a partner. And that he accidentally might have fallen for anyway. And that's all without even mentioning that Steve is so ridiculously attractive that it might've skewed Bucky's view on beauty forever. 

The point is — Natasha is right. That this could be a good thing. They could be a good thing. But what they have now is already good and Bucky really values this friendship. He isn't sure if pursuing a hypothetical picture in his head is worth putting it at risk. Because he still can't be sure if Steve's interested. For what Bucky knows, he's kind and caring towards all of his friends. It doesn't mean that Bucky and Alex are special. 

He can almost hear Natasha's voice in his head, calling him an idiot and yelling that he won't know until he tries. Which is right, since Natasha always is. It doesn't help him stop the — partially excited but mostly terrified — somersaults his insides make. With a small sigh, he puts the drawing on its place by the lamp, flicks off the lights and burrows himself under the covers. He doesn't have to have everything figured out straight away. Letting himself even consider it is a big enough step for now, he decides as he drifts off to sleep.

.

The next day is Bucky's last day at work before the Christmas break. He doesn't really have much to do, just finishing some last updates and dealing with whatever paperwork he was putting off earlier. Most of the time, he chats with Scott, who has been wandering aimlessly around the institute for the lack of work and eventually landed in Bucky's tiny office. They've been chatting about their Christmas plans — nothing too elaborate for both of them, just simple time at home with their families — and now they started discussing where they should go to grab some lunch. Just as Bucky almost convinced Scott that they should go to this sushi place down the block instead of the Italian place, there's a knock on the door.

Bucky sends his friend a confused look.

"It wasn't me," Scott raises his hands in defence.

"Come in," Bucky calls after another second passes. It's probably someone having a last-minute computer problem or one of his co-workers wanting to drop by with Christmas wishes.

Except, when the door cracks open, Steve's head pokes in. Its hair is messy, its cheeks reddened from the cold and its lips spread in a smile.

"Hi, Buck. And hi Scott, it's nice to see you again," he says. "I'm not interrupting?"

And because Bucky's brain is still processing the fact that for some reason Steve's come to visit him at work, Scott's the one who says, "Not at all, come in."

Steve hesitates for another second. Bucky's brain finally kicks in and he smiles which is apparently the invitation Steve needed, because he finally fully walks into the office.

"Hi, Steve. I didn't expect you here," Bucky says, his smile growing bigger.

"Well, you should. Because after our talk yesterday, I decided to bring you lunch," Steve says, proudly showing a big paper bag in his hand. "I told you you haven't seen shit, and especially not overdramatic me."

This makes Bucky laugh out loud as he shakes his head in disbelief. How is Steve even real?

Scott is watching them with a slightly confused but endeared smile on his face. Before anyone can say anything, he gets up from the chair, slapping his thighs as he does.

"Okay then, I'll leave you to it," he says, walking towards the door.

"There's plenty to share, if you want to join us," Steve offers, because of course he does. His gold-heartedness wouldn't have it any other way.

But Scott only shakes his head at that. "Nah, I'm in the mood for some sushi today. Thanks, though."

"Asshole," Bucky narrows his eyes at Scott. "I hope you'd choke on it."

His friend only laughs at that, "Enjoy your lunch date! It's been great to see you, Steve. Merry Christmas."

"You too, Scott. Say hi to Hope and Cassie from me."

With one last grin aimed at Bucky — and a very pointed look behind Steve's back — Scott leaves them alone. Bucky tries not to dwell on the fact that Steve didn't even bat an eye when Scott called it a lunch date.

"Why should he choke?" Steve asks with a chuckle.

"I've been trying to talk him into going to that sushi place for almost twenty minutes before you came," Bucky sighs and then notices that Steve is still hovering by the door. "Come on, take your coat off and sit down. I can't believe you've brought me lunch."

Steve shrugs off his coat and leaves it on the hanger by the door, next to Bucky's. Today he's wearing a maroon sweater that really suits him and a pair of dark jeans. He pushes his sleeves up before he digs into the bag and Bucky tries not to stare too obviously.

"Someone's got to make sure you eat, since after yesterday I've gotten an idea you're not good at it yourself," Steve says. "Guess it wasn't necessary. Sadly, I don't have sushi but maybe you're in the mood for Thai?"

"Depends on whether you've brought me the dumplings or not," Bucky answers.

Steve laughs in response and takes out one of the boxes and hands it to Bucky. "I did. I also have green curry for you? I hope I remembered correctly that you like it? If not, I'm sorry, we can switch—"

"Steve." Bucky says solemnly, placing his hand on Steve's forearm, to stop him from fumbling with the food. "You not only brought me food but you remembered my favourite after I mentioned it one time. You are an angel. You should hide it better, because you make us mortals look bad."

He's only half joking. Steve does seem like a higher being of some sorts and it's unfair that Bucky's poor heart is supposed to handle it. It doesn't do a great job. Especially not when Steve laughs, his eyes crinkle so much they turn into thin slits.

"And I am the overdramatic one?" Steve asks, unpacking the last things and finally sitting on the chair across from Bucky. He's still smiling but there's a blush colouring his cheeks and creeping down his neck.

Bucky bites the inside of his cheek to contain a grin but the truth is, he's immensely proud of himself for pulling this reaction out of Steve. To stop himself from saying something stupid, he digs into his food.

"By the way, how did you find me here?" Bucky asks, his tongue sticking out a bit in concentration as he fishes for a dumpling with his chopsticks. 

"Clara let me know where your office is, she was very helpful."

Bucky furrows his brows. The surprise makes him drop his dumpling back into the container. "Clara, as in Clara Oswald, our receptionist? How do you know her?"

"I don't. We've chatted for a few minutes and I explained why I'm here and she told me how to get to you."

"Ah, of course it took you about five minutes to charm her and get into a government building just like that," Bucky chuckles.

"I didn't charm anyone! I just politely asked and she helped!"

If it wasn't Steve, Bucky would take it as fake modesty. But the truth is that Steve really seems to be completely oblivious to the effect he has on people. It’s endearing to see him do this.

"So here's when you do your cool space stuff?" Steve asks, changing the subject.

"Here's when the real scientists come searching for help when there's some IT-related issue," Bucky corrects him. "I don't do anything cool. I make sure all the data is where it's supposed to be and that whatever equipment they need is ready and working properly. Or part of it, Scott's an engineer and he takes care of the rest. I do get to read some space facts first hand, though."

"That's still cool space stuff for me," Steve shrugs with a small smile. "What kinds of things are you researching here? Like some particular aspects of outer space, or—?"

Normally Bucky would just give the shortest answer possible. People usually get bored quickly when he starts talking about it. But something in the genuine interest on Steve's face, the way he is looking around the office — which is nothing special, the only nice things are the sky maps and some spaced themed art  — makes Bucky think that maybe Steve wouldn't mind getting the longer answer.

"Well, we mostly study the weather. Both the Earth's and the one in the solar system, like the solar winds and magnetic storms, stuff like that. We study exoplanets and try to discover or guess as much as we can about them," Bucky says. "I helped to create simulations that predicted how they could look like and develop, to see if there's a possibility to inhabit them. We did it by basically dumping all the data we have into an elaborate computer programme and waiting to see what comes out." Bucky laughs and Steve does too, but he has the look of utter fascination on his face as he listens. "And all this helps with some more down-to-earth stuff — pun not intended. Like, we've done tons of studies in climate change."

"That's—," Steve starts when he makes sure that Bucky's done. "All of this sounds incredible. And you're a part of all those amazing things, how great is that?"

Bucky feels that his cheeks start to burn. There's another reason he usually sticks with the short answer. As much as he's proud to be working here and as much as he loves it, the impostor in him always makes sure that he understands the difference between his work and the actual research, analysis and all the heavy lifting that the astronomers do. He helps, of course he does. He does a great job at it, but there's still a difference. And such praise usually makes him squirm uncomfortably.

"And don't even try to get all modest with me again," Steve warns as if he's been reading Bucky's mind. "You've said that you don't do cool space stuff and then admitted that you've helped to create a program to imagine how exoplanets can look and change. So I know you're full of bullshit."

Steve raises an eyebrow in what's supposed to be an unimpressed look but it's not even close. The smile and the curious, bright eyes that are stating right at Bucky are destroying the effect. The blush on Bucky's cheeks only deepens, especially as Steve adds. "I've been impressed before but— Wow. Really, you guys are doing such incredible things here, I can’t wrap my head around it."

"We really do," Bucky agrees, eventually.

The beaming smile Steve sends him feels like a reward Bucky didn't know he deserves.

"So you've always liked space? Or was it an accident that brought you here?" Steve asks.

"No, I've always loved it. It's just so fascinating and there's always so much more to learn about it," Bucky doesn't even try to hide his excitement. "I've never fully understood all the science behind it but I loved staring at the sky, trying to find all those constellations and planets and galaxies. I've figured a way to somehow connect it to what I was good at and make it my job. Which is amazing. But now I mostly stare at the computer screen instead of the stars. "

He doesn't want to sound ungrateful but he must admit that it does kill some of the fun. But not even the astronomers simply state up at the sky to admire the view.

Steve only nods in response. "Alex mentioned that you guys went on a trip out of town to watch the stars. It must've been great."

"We did! It was like… almost 2 years ago, I think? I borrowed one of those fancy telescopes they have here. I needed to pick Alex up every time, cause she was too small to reach it," Bucky laughs as he brings out the memories. "It was fun, we should do that again, sometime. But I don't have much time now, so it’ll have to wait."

"It does sound great," Steve smiles that soft smile again. "I hope you'd find some time as it gets warm enough for such trips. I bet Alex would be delighted."

"Yeah. I'll let you know if that happens, in case you'd like to join," Bucky says before he can think better of it.

There's more of the childlike excitement on Steve's face as Bucky mentions it so maybe it wasn't that bad of an idea.

An actual bad idea comes out of Bucky's mouth a bit later, just as Steve is getting ready to head out. Bucky's lunch break is long gone and forgotten, because it's been two hours that Steve spent here. He apologises for staying so long and the assurances that Bucky didn't have any more work to do doesn't help.

"I'm sorry for taking your mind away from your responsibilities, but it was great spending time with you," Steve says.

So of course, because Bucky's heart doesn't get any chance to regroup, he doesn't have time to think before he blurts out. "We should have dinner together."

It's certainly not something Steve was expecting to hear. He just stares at Bucky. Before he has a chance to say anything, Bucky continues, "I mean. You should come for dinner. Clint and Nat are always around for a dinner, sometime between Christmas and New Year's. If you don't have any plans, it would be great if you came. But it's okay if you can't or don't want to."

Another moment passes and Bucky tries not to squirm under Steve's gaze. Luckily, Steve finally blinks and smiles as he says, "No, Buck, of course I'd love to come! I don't have any particular plans, will probably hang out with Sam for most of the break but I'll have plenty of time."

"You could take Sam with you," Bucky adds. He desperately tries to regain the control of his own mouth. "It'd be great to finally meet him."

"I'll let him know, I bet he’d be happy to come, too. Thanks again for the invite," Steve smiles as he cracks open the door. With a little wave, he walks out of the office. "Bye, Buck. Have a nice day."

"You too, Steve," Bucky says to the already closing door.

When Steve's gone, Bucky exhales heavily through his mouth as he leans back in his chair. Both of his hands go up to thread through his hair, tugging at it lightly.

Apparently, he has a dinner to prepare.

taglist: @steverrogers​ @till-the-end-of-the-line-punk​ @buckyshappyending

#where i'm meant to be #stucky #stevebucky #stucky fic #stevebucky fic #stevebucky fanfiction #stucky fanfitction #chapter 7 #my wrtiting #wimtb #sorry it took me so long! #i really hope you'll like it :')

[mickmarstookmyheart]

Life's a Sick Joke pt 16

Would like to start from the beginning? Here is Part 1!

Pairing: Mick Mars x Reader

A/N: Good morning/night/afternoon, you beautiful creatures! I know this story hasn't been really active recently but here you go the next chapter. There isn't much action in it, although it contains emotions and deep conversations. I hope you will like it. Stay safe, drink water and listen to music louder than hell!

16. Being There For You

After you got Mick from jail, which was pretty hilarious regarding that he never did anything to be in there, not even this time. He was at the wrong place, at the wrong time. He was still angry with you for not helping him immediately, but you let him fume a bit.

You were concentrated on something else. It was finally the day your brother would be out so you intended to get him, too. You seriously were tired of getting everyone out of jail. You were driving the car, staring at the road, your fingers drumming on the wheel along the music; Accept's Balls to the Wall was on and you couldn't help but silently sing along.

"I'm glad you have the energy to sing, but I couldn't sleep last night since someone let me rot in a fucking cell!" Mick snapped and you turned the music down. You took a long breath not to say anything you would regret.

"Mick, you only spent 6 hours there. You could've slept while waiting you know. And don't be angry with me, I wasn't the one who got you there." You arched a brow still not believing he was mad at you instead of Tommy.

"Speaking of, I can't wait to slap drummer. With a chair." He barked looking out the window. "And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh on you, I'm just grumpier than usual for not sleeping."

"It's okay, I understand." You were smirking at him. He placed his hand on your right hand which you rested on the gear shift. "But you have to wait with your revenge until next Monday. You know we have the whole week off."

"Finally. We can be alone for a bit. Without anyone harassing us." He stated, closing his eyes and leaning back his head. You bit your lip down fearing his reaction to what you were about to say.

"Umm...but I hope it's okay if Dylan will be around for a bit. Or I can go back to our old apartment and let you rest at your house. I would like to spend some time with Dylan before we hit the road again." You turned in the next corner after looking in both directions. It felt like ages until Mick said something.

"Babe, it's totally okay. Your brother needs you. And he won't bother me unless he runs in the hallway screaming and almost naked smashing everything in sight." You chuckled knowing exactly whom he was talking about. Luckily, Dylan has never acted like that. Alright, maybe a few months ago but that wasn't the true him. Sharon exclaimed that he was improving and was on a good path. You had every reason to believe her so you weren't so worried about being with him in one room again. On the other hand, you were thinking of how jail time might break him. He was always so strong, although terrible things happen to people in jail who spend months in.

"I'm sure he won't cause any harm. So you truly don't have any excuse to have him in your house for the week?" You asked him cautiously for reassurance. To be honest, you were the scared one. You were scared as hell since you have never been to his home. You got together during the camping you brought them on and since then you weren't home or nearby even. The tour and then the hospital, the travel to your sister.

"(Y/N), there are a few guest rooms so he can crash at my place if he wants to. Or if you think environment change is the last thing he needs right now, we can bring back him to your shared apartment." He said warming your heart how kind he was with you, with your family. How much he cared for your well-being. Your eyes welled up and you got rid of the tears by wiping them away with the top of your hand. "(Y/N), what is it?" He stiffened thinking through what he has just said. "Did I say something?"

"Yes. But nothing bad, don't worry." He relaxed a bit but still couldn't understand why you were crying. "It's just, in my whole life I only got hatred, stating with our parents. I always I was just giving and giving until nothing remained for me. I started to drain out from goodness but kept going as Isabelle and Dylan needed me. It's not that I don't love them or they don't deserve it. I didn't have anyone I could rely on, or just have a nice decent talk about what is bothering me. And after meeting you, I thought I hit jackpot. And still, you keep amazing me with your kindness, selflessness, and your big heart." You exhaled when you finished your monologue making Mick speechless again. In the meantime, you parked the car in the prison's parking lot and stopped the car. Your hands rested in your lap playing with the key. Mick got out of the car and closed the door after himself before leaning on the car with his back. You were truly afraid. You hesitated at first but then got out of the car and walked next to him, leaning on the car. You didn't say a word. About Mick, he was fighting back tears, his chest rose and fell rapidly and you couldn't help but notice his jaws were tightened.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there for you." He begun, finally breaking the silence. Although, what he said made your brows knitted.

"Mick, we hadn't met, you wouldn't have been able to do much about it." You leaned your head on his shoulder making him calm.

"I know, but it's so unfair. You deserve the world, (Y/N). And if someone dares to tell me otherwise I will beat the shit out of them. And may your parents rot in hell, what they did to you is unforgivable. And I'm admiring you, (Y/N), for being able to smile and keep making everyone happy after all those horrible things happened to you. You are a survivor and I have fallen in love with you madly, deeply, and undeniably." You looked up at him, feeling lost in his blue eyes. You cracked a smile and hugged him tightly, filling your lungs with his scent. He pressed a soft kiss on your forehead, his arms resting on your waist pulling you closer.

"I love you, too, Mick. With every cell of my body." You whispered. You didn't know how quickly you found each other. You completed each other, you were partners, not just lovers. You were soulmates. A loud screeching noise broke the moment making both of you look towards the source of the sound. It was the huge rusty gates opening. Your heart was hammering and you were grabbing Mick's hand strongly.

"Hey, easy, Tiger." He whispered in your ear making you loosen your grip. At first, you only saw guards but then you noticed your brother in the distance. You were grinning and couldn't believe he was finally free after months. When the guards went back inside and the gates were closed Dylan looked in your way and dropped his bag on the ground. You let go of Mick and started running towards him. When you two met you jumped on him almost making him fell.

"Hey, (Y/N)." He greeted and spun you around as you were still hanging on him like a monkey.

"Hey." You could only say this. You were so happy to have him in your arms again. The real Dylan. Not the one who hurt you or left you alone. This was the Dylan you knew in your whole life. The caring, the funny, the goofy.

"I would love to carry you like this all the way home but it's either that you eat too much recently or I am out of shape." You chuckled letting him go. You were on your feet again when Mick approached you and you saw Dylan bow his head from embarrassment and guilt.

"Hello, Dylan." He said casually. No emotions, just words.

"Hi, Mick." He muttered still not looking in his eyes. He balled his fists then loosened them again by his side. He was still battling. It broke your heart seeing him like this. "I would like to apologize. For all the things I have said and done. For acting crazy and almost hitting you in the face. I wasn't myself. And I would like to thank you for taking care of (Y/N) when I couldn't. It means a lot to me." He offered his hand to Mick as an apology. Mick glanced at you and after you nodded he shook Dylan's hand.

"Apology accepted." He gave a half-smile and winked. He knew it wasn't Dylan's fault, well, mostly. He inherited anger issues from your parents, but he should've asked for help. "So, are you hungry?"

"Hell yes. The food was horrible in there." He complained, dropping his bag on his shoulder lazily. "Sadly, they didn't serve (Y/N)'s famous spaghetti Bolognese. You could say, I'm craving that."

"I didn't know a chef lives inside you." Mick laughed arching a brow.

"I haven't had the chance to show it." You crossed your arms in front of your chest like a shield.

"Then it's high time. So, Dylan, it's your decision. Where would you like to go?" Mick asked. Dylan's eyes googled from the shock but then went back to normal.

"I'm sure your kitchen is much bigger than ours. Right, (Y/N)?" You burst into laughter from that statement because you knew damn well how small that kitchen was and barely one person could fit there, not even three.

"Then, it's settled then."

∆

"Woah, you didn't mention you live in a fucking castle." You admired the beautiful house which was settled in a forest far away from any human. It was definitely something Mick appreciated.

"It's not much. But come inside." You got your bags from the back where Dylan stood.

"Are you nervous?" He asked noticing you were biting your lip and struggling to breathe properly. And the son of a bitch was smirking. Righ in your face.

"Fuck you, Dylan." He just laughed and took the bag from your hand. Mick has already opened the door and was waiting for you.

"My lady." He gestured with his hands, letting you go first. When you stepped into the house your eyebrows were nearly invisible. When you thought about Mick and his personality you were sure he lived in a dark castle, like vampires or just a dirty apartment. You expected everything but not this. The living room was bigger than your apartment, it was light and neat. There were two huge black leather sofas in front of the fireplace with a glass table between them. The walls were white and pure.

"Like it?" Mick asked smirking and wandering his eyes in the room.

"It's freaking beautiful." You stated.

"Bloody hell, this is awesome." Dylan had almost the same reaction as you.

"This way." Mick said, you and Dylan followed him. "So this is the kitchen, I know it's not much but I hope it is big enough. And the bedrooms are upstairs.

"(Y/N), don't droll. So nasty." Dylan joked earning a scoff from you. You had to admit, this was the most fascinating kitchen you have ever seen. You quickly wiped your mouth but there was nothing.

"You are nasty!" You elbowed him in the stomach when Mick didn't pay attention earning a groan from Dylan.

"You haven't changed a bit." He murmured, trying to keep up with you.

"So, Dylan, your room will be at the end on the right. You will find towels in the wardrobe, too." He noted.

"Thanks, man. I think I will go, I don't want to bother." He winked and headed to the room but before he entered he winked and gave you a thumb up.

"Sometimes, I feel the urge just to choke him. Just a little bit." You said. Mick chuckled and took your hand into his. Butterflies in your stomach kept reminding you that you were in his house and apart from Dylan, only the two of you were there. No Nikki, no Tommy, no Vince. No concerts, no shouting, screaming, or breaking glasses. Just quiet, peace, and you.

"I'm pretty curious about your reaction so close your eyes and don't open until I say so." You nodded and did as told. He helped you not to hit anything. "Okay, now you can open it."

You cautiously and slowly opened your eyes from the sudden brightness. Huge windows were in charge of the light. However, many other things drew your attention. At least, 10 guitars were hanging on the wall along with pieces of vinyl. He knew guitars were your weakness and he was right there smiling from seeing your reaction. You were speechless.

"Dear Satan, this is beautiful." You held up your hand to hide your open mouth.

"I knew, you would like it!" He snickered and showed you around in his room. There were some bookshelves, tapes, and other types of vinyl as well. You noticed some family pictures as well. "Yeah, well, Susie hasn't changed a bit."

"These photos are adorable." You put down the frame and turned to him. "So, do you have any plans for the day?"

"What about your famous Spaghetti Bolognese Dylan was talking about?" He asked pulling you closer his eyes not leaving yours. You could feel his breath on your skin and his hands on your hips. "Or we could let him rest a bit and try if we fit in the bed?"

"Oh, I thought I would get a guest room as well." You joked earning a small laugh from him.

∆

"Gosh, how much I missed this!" Dylan was filling his mouth with your spaghetti and it appeared that Mick loved it, too. You were holding a glass full of wine and were watching them.

"It's nothing special, actually. Just some secret ingredients, that's all." You noted. "However, I'm glad that criminals love my food." You added while taking a sip.

"What?" Dylan inquired with raised brows. "Don't- don't tell me you were arrested, too. Cause I won't believe it."

Mick rolled his eyes and kept his attention on his plate.

"It wasn't me, alright? And can we just forget about it?"

"Then welcome to the club, man. Don't worry, you are not bad. She also sat in there for a few days." He tilted his head towards you making you choke on your wine.

"Nothing surprises me anymore." Mick chuckled shaking his head.

That day, you felt loved. By Mick, and by Dylan. Both are a different kind of love, but you felt special. For a long period, it was the first day, you felt safe. No fire, no drunk people trying to flirt with you, no drugs. Of course, only for a week. Then you will have to go back, but first, you wanted the enjoy every minute of being with Mick and your brother.

∆

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