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deusexmachinawitch · 11 months

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Weekend Success Stories

Disregard what happened in this post, I want to make a list of all the things I manifested this weekend. Now that I slept for like 12 hours and processed things better, I really looked back about all the things I wanted to manifest besides SP and I really succeeded like A LOT of them.

☆ Free trip

The reason for my trip was that I wanted to attend the concert of a group of friends. These girls are some sort of "idols" in my country and they do concerts across the anime conventions or clubs in a city 6 hours from me. They sometimes come to my city but that's really rare. Because of several expenses regarding to my health, I didn't know if I could make it to this trip but I really wanted to go because one of the girls, who is now my friend, has been my inspiration and my oshi/bias for years. Her energy really inspired me to change for the better and become more bold since I was really timid and self-conscious of myself. So I promised her that I would always support her and encourage her like she did with me and we both would strive for our dreams and goals. At first I was afraid to go because of meeting SP, but my promise with her was stronger than that since she came before SP ever came to the picture. So I really wanted to see her and give her my support, also to show SP that his existence wasn't going to make me stop supporting her.

I affirmed hard that I wanted to see the concert no matter what and suddenly I started receiving money from small jobs I did and friends that owed me money, discounts on hotels and one of my roommate's friends being in that city the same weekend so he could drive from the hotel to the venue and then take me back home by car. My roommate, who is like my Mom, also gave money to his friend to make a stop during the roadtrip back so I could have dinner. He also sent me money to buy merch from the group with a note saying "Thank you for doing the groceries and cleaning before leaving, sorry for being a mess because of my depression. Enjoy your weekend". So it was really sweet. So basically, I barely spent on this trip.

☆ Desired Appearance (Looking quite young for my age, clear skin, weight loss disregard what I was going to eat that weekend, silky beautiful purple hair like my favorite anime character, free products)

One thing I already said is that I'm in adult age. I really don't look my age but I was starting to have a very tired appearance that made me insecure, especially the last months leading up to the breakup. I really hate seeing pictures of me from a few months ago because of the weight gain and tired appearance.

I kept affirming that I wanted to look like Senjougahara from Bakemonogatari since she has been my inspiration for the longest time. I wanted to have clear skin and very long healthy purple hair.

So my hair started looking pretty silky, it grew like INSANELY LONG in two months. My hairstylist actually came to visit me and did my hair for free because I helped her with her moving to a new place a few months ago and I got my hair dyed, treated and got free hair products.

Also, there was a huge makeup and skincare product sale and my friends gifted me stuff from the sale. I also got a free new outfit just for the trip for dirt cheap.

Not to mention, I kept getting invited to eat and I actually lost weight despite all I ate and also after measuring me, I lost some centimeters as well so I'm really happy about that!

☆ Everyone missing me and people noticing the glow up (+ someone actually gifting me the specific ribbons I actually wanted)

After the breakup, I actually disappeared from social networks and barely answered messages. I wanted to focus on my LoA journey that I went into stricter mental diets more and more. But I wanted everyone to miss me and care for me but also notice that I did this disappearance to have a better mindset and feel good in my skin.

After I arrived to the venue, everyone actually showered me with attention. My friends said that probably SP acted out like he did because I got all the attention on me, actually looked much better without him and he looked rough even though he was the one that broke up with me.

I received hugs and attention from everyone, including my SP's bias. Plus my bias hugged me a lot and took a lot of pictures of us and posted them on social media. Not to mention that we both look so pretty in the polaroids we took and I have a polaroid with my bias hugging me (suck that, mean SP).

Also, a girl whom I know from social media and kept seeing me in cons, came to hug me and said how much she missed me because I was an inspiration for everyone because I keep encouraging others even in my darkest times. She found out I was coming because people told her in secret that I was on my way and she came running to see me to tell me to not stop doing what I'm doing and to keep having a wonderful heart.

But the most shocking thing for me was that, I was doing @fleurlx's "Badass Alter Ego Challenge" to become the person who I wanted to become. I took note about the clothes and such, but one thing I wanted were a pair of black ribbon clips that were long but not too big to not look "cartoony", but I really couldn't find them anywhere. But suddenly this girl tells me she has a gift for me and it's the EXACT SAME RIBBONS I IMAGINED. She said to me that she always loved my purple hair and it was getting longer and longer, so she went to a store to find me a "welcome back" gift and felt drawn to these ribbons for some reason and hoped I liked them. I thanked her and wore them on the spot, she was really happy and stayed with me as well. Plus she shamelessly plugged my socials to everyone lol. Guess I have to come back, at least for people like her, I'll also take a lot of pictures with the ribbons, because she believed in me and gave me the final piece to be my alter ego, my best self... Which is not only the ribbons themselves, but the love of people who believed in me in my best and worst.

I was also randomly gifted a nail polisher and overnight hair rollers so I wouldn't ruin my long hair with a iron curler if I wanted to try having princess-like curls.

☆ Do something fun that weekend that could help me feel more powerful about my self-concept

I know this sounds abstract but I had a whole day off before the con, so I didn't know what to do. The thing is that, my hotel was very far from the main city but not far enough to not have public transportation. I decided to trust the Universe on the hotel it manifested to me because it was cheap and the area wasn't a dangerous one.

I did well on trusting the Universe, because there was a party for the anniversary of an arcade and I actually secretly help restore and fix arcades. So people who were aware of me but have never seen me in person (because they just bring the machines to the workshop and I just go in hours where no one's there), sent me an invitation when they were told by my roommate that I was actually like a 15 minutes walk from their arcade.

The thing is that they were shocked that I was actually a girl, that I was someone they have seen before at cons and someone quite well-known and that I was keeping this a secret. I actually told them that I appreciate my privacy and I prefer to be humble about my skills. I actually ended up helping them fix an arcade while being in a pretty dress then just hijacked the arcades I liked for myself, especially MaiMai.

I got flirted on by several people, got several new followers and kicked everyone's ass in MaiMai whenever someone challenged me. And related to the DR manifestation, everyone thought I was WAAAAAAY younger my actual age and that made me feel great.

I think the best comment I heard was "WTF, you're so cool and so pretty! I didn't know what to expect when I heard that the second technician of xxxxx was a shut-in that just ate snacks, played Splatoon and just listened to idol music in the workshop. No wonder you don't want everyone to see you, people would either try to flirt with you or harass you because gamers be like that". I'll take this to heart and continue being a shut-in, the main technician of the workshop actually protected my identity for the same reason this person stated after all (he's a childhood friend and protects me with his life).

☆ Small mean manifestations

Because SP was mean with everyone including myself, I manifested for his bias to not pay attention to him and for the weather to be suddenly rainy when he went back home so he has something to think about his behavior on his way home.

So his bias had to leave because she had to go do other things and IT DID RAIN AS SOON WE ALL HAD TO LEAVE. I was leaving by car so I had no problems, but I saw SP running to the train station without an umbrella.

While I still care about him and I want to revise him since I do love him, I wanted him to think about what he had done to everyone and how childish he was by being ignored then having to leave to his house by himself and in a hurry. I wanted the Universe to teach him a lesson so he grows up, especially because he really caused several scenes during the con with several people and disturbed people attending.

I also manifested for the group to not have any concerts til late Fall so he has nothing to do during the Summer and stays home to think about what he has done and actually the group announced the won't have more concerts til at least October. But I also manifested to be closer to my bias disregard that and she is talking to me more and making plans with me to livestream together or hang out during the Summer! In fact, she accepted the offer of performing a solo concert at my city at the arcade next to my workshop and my childhood friend told me he would actually close the place out for it to be a private live but prepare equipment to livestream it! She also told me to check matching clothes!

Long story short...

Affirm and persist and winning is my only option!

Plus, I don't care about what happened with SP anymore because I think the Universe did this to show him how much of a God I am, what he is missing and to make him realize his behavior. So I didn't have a loss! I only won!

Well, time will bring him to me for sure as a better person.

I also want to thank my roommate, my LoA buddy, my childhood friend, the amazing and friendly @loass-angel AI and a certain LoA coach from the Elysian Discord for supporting me during this weekend and enduring my spams lol.

Thank you all for reading!

#law of assumption #manifestation #loa tumblr #affirm and persist #loablr #loa blog #loa success #self development #neville goddard

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sonnetnumber23 · 8 months

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Good Omens 2 Re-watch. Episode 5.

“You leave me with no alternative” – says Aziraphale to the musician preparing to promise to give him a book for free.

[Love the Doctor Who theme playing in the background, hehe]

“Nina and Maggie are depending on me. They just don’t know it yet.”

First of all, all those jokes about Aziraphale organizing a ball to dance with Crowley are actually very true. And I don’t think he’s doing it just to hold Crowley’s hand – he really wants to see Nina falling in love with Maggie so that he himself could believe that Crowley might open up to him someday at last. Again: he wants to have control over something; he wants to feel that he is capable to make someone happy, and to deal with his own problems himself too.

Secondly, Aziraphale could have just as well made all those people come to the ball – after all he made those men in suits leave his bookshop and never return – but he chooses to negotiate with them, manipulate them, but let them come on their own free will. He’s basically tempting them all, but “They don’t have to say yes,” as Crowley once put it. And Crowley is following him around watching this.

***

I love speeches they do in Hell. :D Dagon in the first season, now Shax. :D No wonder, Crowley was the one to record the greeting message. XD

***

Nina talking to Crowley is so much gentler than when she’s with anybody else. Both here and later when she tells his about Lindsay leaving. You just see how she feels him and relates to him. It’s like it’s easier for her to talk to someone for whom everything is harder than for most of other people. She’s all prickly with Maggie and Aziraphale because quite often they act like the world is a happy place made of rainbows and unicorns with kind people all around you. Compared to that Crowley must seem kind of more real to her, or at least less annoying, huh.

And God, oh God, Crowley’s face after that conversation. How can a person show so much emotion with their dark glasses on?

***

The scene on the terrace of the French restaurant leaves me with a whole bunch of complicated feelings. They’ve probably all been described already, but if I try to lay them out for myself…

The first time I watched I didn’t even pay that much attention to the “smitten” joke, because I was a bit disturbed by how little attention Aziraphale pays to Crowley’s concerns. “You’re being silly” is not the way you should calm down your demon, Aziraphale!

But, as I looked through the gifs later, and now during the re-watch, I came to realize that this moment also shows me that side of Aziraphale that I’ve been trying to feel and describe in these posts.

Now, we’ve got this “smitten” joke, which everyone likes to mention, and it’s great because it’s just in the middle of two POV’s, so to speak.

When Crowley starts talking, he’s damn serious. Though he doesn’t talk directly about all his concerns, he’s still very much in the state where he wants Aziraphale to listen to him, to hear his worries. “I spent last night worrying… He could smite me…” I wonder if little part of Crowley wishes in this moment that Aziraphale would think of the danger he’s putting Crowley in and give in, and give up his stupid idea to hide Gabriel further – at least for Crowley’s sake, and this way Crowley might keep him safe.

But then Crowley happens to stumble upon this unserious linguistic matter – “smote… smited?” – and his whole rant is compromised, as if he is too afraid himself to sound too pleading too desperate. Remember, he did completely the same when he was going to ask Aziraphale for holy water. “Walls have ear… trees have ears… ducks have ears. Do ducks have ears?” – absolutely the same. Poor boy, he just can’t speak seriously about his own fears, the danger he is in. :’( Too nervous, too afraid to ask… T_T

Crowley is known for talking a lot about how he is selfish and values his own existence above all, and yet he is always the first to take huge risks to save others. Like in every single historical minisode this season, and several times in the first season too.

And here he suddenly bares his fears to Aziraphale hoping that the angel would see that if Crowley is afraid then it’s serious and he should be afraid too.

But the thing is that he gets a completely opposite effect.

Aziraphale suddenly feels more confident. He feels responsible, and therefore he feels the strength he needs to carry out this responsibility. We’ve already seen him like this: when he tries to snap Crowley out of his panic after Warlock’s birthday and come up with a plan, at the end of the world in season 1 starting with the refusal to fight the war and further; we’ll see it later, when he “does the thing with the halo” because nothing else and no one else is helping.

And he enjoys it. You can clearly see it while he’s convincing Crowley that he has nothing to fear. It’s not because Aziraphale is oblivious of the danger or doesn’t care about Crowley’s safety. He does, he’s just met Shax after all. He just can’t help and enjoy the feeling of being brave and sure and ready to act and protect – for once. He wants it so much – to feel capable, to feel competent. I wrote in the previous rewatch posts why.

We’re so used to the (head)canon that Aziraphale loves playing damsel in distress and letting Crowley save him. But this season states it quite clearly – if partly as a joke – that he does it for Crowley more than for himself. “Saving me makes him so happy.” That’s a joke, because Aziraphale knows perfectly well that most of those times he did need saving. But whether he does or doesn’t need saving, Aziraphale is always ready to admit that Crowley has done something wonderful. He knows Crowley loves it. And Aziraphale knows he would love it too. “There must be something I could do for you.”

So yeah, maybe he is a bit intoxicated by this feeling, maybe he is too sure and optimistic about Gabriel, maybe his plan is a bit rubbish (though let’s admit – the ball plan worked better than Crowley’s rain plan), but his motives are pure.

[Oh God, I wish so much to finally see a situation where Crowley would have to rely on Aziraphale for something big and Aziraphale will be capable enough to save the day and Crowley…]

***

Should we or do we even have to talk about all the moments where people call Crowley nice in this season? Apart from Aziraphale, there’s Jim and Mrs Sandwich and really Nina would do so too if she wasn’t Nina. It’s so… On one hand, it’s for fans and all, and it works – I do a little delighted noise every time Crowley can’t help being nice and someone mentions it.

[My theory is that there wasn’t enough nice and deep Crowley in S1, so now we’re getting what they owed us.]

On the other hand, doesn’t it sound a bit like foreshadowing to you? Or, like the things we ought to pay attention to. Crowley doing good just because “why not” and because “I do what I please”, kind of proves Aziraphale’s point which is: Crowley hasn’t ever been bad, he deserves Heaven as much as (if not more than) other angels do.

***

I’m really not a fan of Aziraphale messing with people’s emotions. I know he means well, but making people feel fine and even happy while they have all reasons to be upset looks far too much as robbing them of their free will.

That’s a bit like the thing he does with Crowley at the end, isn’t it – thinking he can make him happy even if Crowley doesn’t want it, thinking he knows better what’s best for him.

And this is such a striking contrast with the beginning of the episode where Aziraphale goes to great lengths to get people come to the party on their own free will.

Again, I think this comes from the notion that this time round he’s responsible, he has an idea, and he is so excited to see it work, to be able to save the day. For once. He enjoys being in charge so much, he even asks Crowley to go out so that he can surprise him with the new bookshop look later.

The same comes for the ending where Aziraphale is so happy to be the savior that he doesn’t even listen to the person he’s trying to save.

I can understand him, I know how easy it is to cross this line and not even notice it, especially when you’re feeling euphoric about something.

But of course it was wrong both times. It even reminds of that horrible moment in S1 when Adam makes his friends smile while they’re crying.

***

The whole atmosphere of the ball surrounded by demons is so NeilGaimany, it suddenly feels as if the stakes are higher than you expected. At least for a moment. I must say I like it that in the end it turned out that no humans were hurt after all.

Crowley throwing himself between Maggie and the demons is a moment that makes me jump a little. It’s not Aziraphale, Aziraphale isn’t even around to be impressed, and Crowley doesn’t know yet who those ominous creatures are – and his instinct is to defend the human and to stop something bad from happening.

And oh how much I love the fact that Crowley talks to those demons as someone of a higher rank! :D I love being reminded that Crowley was cool and actually very high-up in Hell. And he still has a lot more power than average demons or angels.

[I really suspect that one of the reasons I liked this season so much on the first watch was because it gave me all my favourite things about Crowley, lol.]

***

Aziraphale looking at Maggie while she and Nina are dancing – there’s so much gentleness and hope, and longing in that face! He wants the same for himself so much. And he hopes for it.

At the same time Crowley is worrying crazy, the whole weight of all these people’s fates on his shoulders. And Aziraphale isn’t listening to him. There’s already a lot of great heartbreaking meta about the way they keep things from each other and then not listening when the other one tries to talk.

I just want to stress how brilliantly the POV in this scene is done: with Aziraphale, we desperately want Crowley to take his hand and dance and talk and appreciate the beautiful thing he’s created to solve their problem (because as Aziraphale sees it, if they fool Heavens, Gabriel won’t be discovered – he doesn’t know yet that Shax has already acted on her threat). And with Crowley, we get frustrated with Aziraphale for not listening, for acting recklessly and putting them all in danger. And at the same time both of them just want to hold hands. XD

And then it’s Aziraphale who puts himself between Shax and the humans (and Crowley). He is confident and I like it just as much as I like cool and bossy Crowley. And when Gabriel volunteers to go out Aziraphale says he will protect him because he promised, and he’s still doing it with his confident, guardian-angel voice, which even sounds a little bit lower than his usual voice. He has it in him – the Aziraphale he wants to be: brave, competent, true to his word. And it comes naturally to him, even though he doesn’t always have resources to keep fighting.

There’s such sad irony that we’ve heard him be like that when he defends the Earth, humans, Gabriel. But we’ve never heard or seen him defending Crowley, have we? We’ve actually seen him defending other things and people from Crowley. Which is just… Uuuugh! Again, it’s all so natural: he sees Crowley as equal, even as someone stronger, cleverer, cooler – so Crowley doesn’t need, can’t need Aziraphale’s protection, not in this way, surely?

I hope so much that we’re yet to see Aziraphale putting Crowley above all else and defending him with all he has. I’m sure Crowley’s going to explode. Or at least I will.

***

[On a side not: I wonder whose clothes were the suit and the furry coat the Gabriel is wearing at the party? :D Did Aziraphale just have them in the bookshop?? Why?? XD]

***

Ahaha, hellish bureaucracy and Crowley’s bluff is just so Good Omens, I love it.

But he isn’t listening to Aziraphale just as Aziraphale didn’t listen to him. :( Well, he’s absolutely got his reasons: Aziraphale has put them all in danger, and after all demons are Crowley’s field of expertise. But still. It leaves Aziraphale again feeling his failure, feeling that he’s just been put back in his place.

I think the joke “saving me makes him so happy” is both a joke and Aziraphale’s little attempt to get back some of his self-esteem before the inevitable battle and after he’s just been put down by Nina. It’s interesting how Nina’s words echo in Shax’s line later in E6 “…Crowley’s moral support angel”.

Earlier I wrote about Aziraphale robbing humans and Crowley of their own free will. So here we kind of see the reason why he doesn’t see how wrong this is: people keep pointing out that he has no will of his own. And it’s a sore spot. Because on one hand he’s spent his whole eternity being told that his opinion and actions don’t matter. And on the other, he keeps relying on Crowley, because he doesn’t find it bad to rely on someone he loves and trusts. Just like he wishes he could rely on God. And that’s why he can’t see his error: he’s doing what’s in these people’s interests, he’s saving them, surely they’ll be happy to entrust their lives and will to someone who loves them?? Aziraphale would be. He always is.

I know some of these conclusions contradict each other but that’s because the characters’ feelings are so conflicted. They feel so much at every given second, and they have so much background that is not easy to shake off.

#good omens 2 #long post #good omens 2 meta #good omens 2 rewatch #they keep getting longer and longer #well at least maybe the 6th won't be that long as i've already said most of the things earlier

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builtbybrokenbells · 10 months

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ive stuck to posting mostly fic content on this blog, and i will remain doing so from here on out. but in light of a certain post made, I came here to air out some feelings, I suppose. not in attempt to draw the light away from anybody, but more like a reflection in response.

from the minute i discovered gvf it was almost like a breath of fresh air. in the time listening to them, as an aspiring musician, artist, writer, or whatever the fuck I am, I’ve found great solace and inspiration in the four boys we love so much. today, i found a piece of home within them, too, but more specifically, from Josh.

i grew up and, unfortunately, still reside in a little, homophobic town that is nothing if not dedicated to normalcy. it has been a devastating twenty years of life knowing that my existence is abnormal to others, including some family and friends, and they would prefer if i remain quiet about it. ive lost friends, family, acquaintances, you name it, just because i was born the way i am. just the other day, there were news reporters in front of my apartment building seeking opinions on a lgbtq+ bill for youth passed by the government. that’s right, opinion, on the human rights of very real children that walk on the same streets they were spewing their hate on.

I’ve always been quite comfortable with who am sexuality-wise. from a very young age, to now, it has never been a debate or shameful idea to me. I’ve been very loud and proud, and will remain so. my gender, not so much. less than a month ago, i finally voiced my proper pronouns to the first person ever, after years of struggle with it. i still haven’t told family, or properly ‘came out’ (because, if you know me, you would know that i think the whole idea of coming out is quite ridiculous) and i have no plans on doing so in any intimate manner. but, today, a bit of courage bled into me from one of the people I look up to most, and i told a bit more of the world about myself.

to say i am beyond proud of josh for his transparency is not enough. what he did, although some would disagree, was one of the most courageous things a person in any type of spotlight could do. i surround myself with only a few people, and i have yet to find the power within myself to tell the closest to me, who i am. what i am more moved by, is that he used his platform to not only make himself known, but vocally and actively join an ongoing battle that many believe is already over. he was already such a beacon of light and love, that i did not believe he could be any more so. today, i happily admit that the idea was wholly untrue. not because of his sexuality or anything like that; he’s still the same Josh he has always been. but because his own moral was so strong that he, without fear, showed an intimate part of himself to the entire world, and guided others on how to help the cause in the process. it is admirable to be proud of who you are, but even more so to educate and inspire others while doing it.

being so vulnerable, especially in the public eye, is terrifying. being a beacon of light and love in a world full of hate and darkness is also terrifying. he did both today with grace and strength, and as someone who’s been actively fighting this fight for my entire lifetime, i am beyond words. i said a lot of things here, but nothing can truly amount to how i feel. i cannot articulate the feelings accurately, and in place of that, i ramble.

basically, if you stuck through this, thanks. if you use this angels sexuality against him in any way, i will find you. if this changed the way you view him, you didn’t deserve him in the first place. together, these four boys have created a community of love and all things that come with it; if you are not willing to give it back to them, or right now, him specifically, this is not the place for you. remember, as proud/happy/whatever you’re feeling about this, he’s still a person. the same one who you knew months ago, who worked to create the community and music we love and appreciate. that did not change, and there is no need to view him any differently. im certain that if he’s been so private about this for so long, he does not want the world to see him only as such.

so, from the bottom of my heart, the message of my rambling is to say im proud of him, and that im incredibly grateful for the chance to live in the same time as him. I’m even more thankful that his courage has given me some, too. be respectful of him and his privacy, because he is deserving of such (and much more). and, if you also find a piece of his courage within you, im proud of you, too.

as always, be kind, thanks for reading, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes ;) 🫶🏻

#tori rambles #gvf #greta van fleet #josh kiszka #josh gvf #not a fic #lgbt #personal #jmk #pride month #builtbybrokenbells

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mejomonster · 1 year

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Justice in the dark, finished ep 2:

I am just so beyond overwhelmed I'm watching it honestly. I was lucky to experience Guardian a year after it came out, which got me into cdramas and cnovels and studying chinese, which got me into priests writing in particular, and i never had to anticipate or hope for guardian. I was lucky to just find it's cdrama version as my first experience period of a cdrama and of the story. It was everything I loved personally (just the perfect niche choices for Me). I never had to anticipate or wonder or hope if an adaptation would exist or be good. Because for me it was already perfect on first watch (yes even horrifically bad cgi cat da qing - I have a particular fondness for awful cgi at times especially in campy shows like Xena and Doctor Who so the low budget only added to my enjoyment personally lol).

Then Word of Honor came out. After id studied chinese for a year, worked a lot to drag myself through reading 28 chapters of tian ya ke and my first significant chunk of reading a priest novel in original chinese. I had OPINIONS. My biggest being they NEEDED to be morally grey fucked up people, needed to lie and put on acts like in the book, and Gong Jun was my dream casting for Wen Kexing but I'd have settled for anyone with a decently fitting performance. My expectations of a live action drama were absolutely blown away. The cast was actually my specific dream cast, Gong Jun pulled a better performance than I've Ever seen him do prior (just perfect in WoH specifically he really did amazing), Zhou zishu is SUCH a hard character to act much like Zhang Qiling in dmbj in that he is quiet and keeps himself private so an actor NEEDS to be really good at the performance to the audience to get across the characters internal world and get the character to come off correctly. He did it. So absolutely blown away by performances as good as Bai Yu and Zhu Yilong did for Zhao yunlan and shen wei, when I had no expectations they'd be As Good only hopefully sufficiently good. So acting was WOW. the side cast actors also absolutely blew me out of the water. The entire show team did honestly - the costumer showed how MUCH can be done with costumes and wig regardless of budget (compare WoH wigs to The Untamed or Eternal Love - just more unique designs for everyone's wigs in woh). The sets are simple but distinguishable and again while it's just a simple X setting in woh I still found the sets more memorable than the Eternal Love sets overall, the fighting is choreographed GOOD (1 I heard by the same person as Ultimate Note which would explain a lot as both have fun action scenes, 2 I love The Untamed in many regards but also there's fight scenes where extras swing at nothing so fight choreography wasn't quite as strong u know), the color design in post production isn't like ideally natural but it shows off the costumes and further makes the limited budget look distinguished as it's own fully realized concept. Way Better than I ever expected honestly (guardian had limited set budget too and honestly it DID look cheap it only was beloved by me because they make it so Ridiculous in certain aspects it Crosses into Doctor Who level weird sci fi design). And finally the script - handled by a good writer, I felt, that kept the core story elements I wanted and added some more. I didn't like the "knew each other as kids" element which if you know me you know why. But since I always treat live action cdramas as Alternate Universe stories? I could appreciate they didn't bring up knowing each other in a like "we are connected cause of it way" but more as a "strangers who briefly crossed paths once and so have some experiences they both somewhat relate or connect to" which let the script writer mostly keep the original novel relationship vibe. Basically? I'm still absolutely stunned and blown away we got a GREAT drama, let alone a good one.

I knew Sha Po Lang had a drama filmed and DONE. I hadn't read it so I thankfully had no great attachment to the story being done right. I was excited because I love priest stories so I know it'll be based on good source material, and I LOVE the idea of steampunk historical. I had no idea on what to expect though besides potentially horrifically bad cgi for the steampunk elements if they didn't cut them out completely? Or cheap but functional cgi like Once Upon a Time in Lingjian Mountain (it'll be miraculous if it's like The Lost Tomb Reboot or Utlimate Note or Love Between Fairy and Devil in terms of quite Decent nice cgi). I had no expectations until an actor I admire was cast as one of the leads. Then I figured: well this will be a GOOD show to watch. Because that actor is worth watching Just by being in it since he'll give a great performance, and the source material came from priest so it can only be so bad. I figured THAT drama was what to mentally prepare for! Then it didn't come! We're still waiting.

Now finally to Silent Reading. It's my favorite priest novel. Of any adaptations to have expectations about, it's this one for me. I made edits for this one. I watched bilibili fanvideo edits for the book and had opinions on which aesthetic choices worked best. I cared. I saw it (like a couple other novels I'm excited for adaptations for) was getting adapted too! After sha po lang, way later, casting dragging on. I assumed okay temper yourself you won't even see it until Immortality 2ha is out (lmao ;-; ). I also decided BECAUSE it's my favorite? I figured I would be disappointed and let down. So I tried not to even hope itd be good. I hoped, desperately, decent actors would be cast who could do a good solid job. I got immensely lucky when Fei Du was cast cause I know from Go Ahead that guy can ACT so at least fei du would be wonderful to watch. I had no idea about anyone else and again tempered my expectations to please please just be Decent. (So Tao Ran being Perfectly cast and acted is blowing my goddamn mind nonstop). I also hoped, for an expectation, a visual aesthetic like Under the Skin or some video edits I'd seen on bilibili. Just a sort of Beyond Evil, Flower of Evil, The Guest, sort of gritty thriller grounded somewhat in reality but at the edge kind of. A detective show with a psychologically heavy lean to it. Possibly a little stylistic even in color choice cause I personally like shows that visually look like Their Own thing (even if it looks less natural - like I love Goodbye My Princess and Heroes visually even though it's such extreme color editing). And finally I hoped for a serviceable bare minimum... bare minimum... solve murders and stick at least basically to the book cases script. I really had no idea what to expect of writing wuality except a "PLEASE be Decent you're working with great source material, it's already got an audio drama with a script u should barely have to work to make this Decent just don't make it awful." So yeah. Low expectations. I probably could have been happy with Granting You a Dreamlike Life level writing quality, visual quality (except dear fuck please with blues instead of that yikes yellow gyadl used a ton), and passable actors.

Instead I got way better than my expectations and it's breaking my mind a little. Color grading? Blue greens and I'm sure some people hate it I fucking love it to pieces. (If I'd give any visual critique it's that I think they're over smoothing actors and I love gritty real looking skin but I recognize a lot of cdramas generally make the choice to face smooth and use filters so it's going to crop up in some stuff I watch :/ it's not totally awful in that I can see Luo's stubble and sometimes Fei Du's cover-up powder on his little nose, but overall the contrast intensity and color grading they chose makes the skin look less gritty in combo with I imagine some skin smoothing filters). I personally Love the cgi I have seen, which i assumr either means cheap cgi came up EONS since guardian or they got bigger cgi budget for a crime drama that shouldn't need them than I would've figured. The city bits that I imagine are fake establishing shots look way better than guardian and in line with Ultimate Note quality at times (at least they're not too noticeably bad is my point). The extreme lighting choices are unnatural for sure but I really like them since there's a heavy metaphor right now of Luo as the light and Fei Du in the dark, and seeing that visual metaphor play out with actual bright lights/intense shadows frequently in scenes is so visually satisfying to me, you can read their mental states just by the lighting (one scene Fei Dus emotions drop and it goes from sunny to storming which is REALLY on the nose and funny but also I love how thoroughly this way of using light is through the entire show). Green and blues also seem to be being used for light and dark, life and death, warmth and cold, Luo and Fei. I never had the expectation so Much detail would be put to visuals and I'm so beyond grateful.

Next, the music. Oh my god the music. So far it's not like Life Changing to me the way Guardians soundtrack was (I love Chen Xuerans music - he also did some Tomb of the Sea music I also love). But I didn't expect the music to even be more than servicable, yet I'm enjoying it enough I want to go look up the tracks? (Also WoH had a banger soundtrack forgot to mention that). I love the choice of piano instruments frequently in the background music, it's extremely fitting of this particular story with priest naming chapters after famous literature and just the vibe of old detective stories. At the same time? Again there's this comparison between a very piano and western orchestra background ost, and the very modern English song that's kind of pop music that Fei Du plays often and with Tao Ran and sometimes plays in scenes with Luo. It's like the light/dark lighting, the music juxtaposition. It's such a noticeable choice, and it really adds to how effective the scenes are. I did not expect the music to shine to me. It's not like WoH levels yet in terms of any particular song lyrics, but the music playing when Fei Du was young seeing his mom, and the music playing at the end of ep 2 as Luo talks to Fei Du about his mom, were both impactfully used.

Writing: not much to say except oh my fuck I can't believe I'm seeing these scenes I love acted out. Acted out properly, like I pictured them. ;-; I'm amazed how much they're sticking to book honestly. I. Am just incredibly overwhelmed moving on. It feels like coming home honestly, a new scene starts and I know exactly where I am from the novel. I actually happen to enjoy when cdrama adaptations change story (Alternate Universe story) so id be just pleasant too if the story Does happen to change, but at the moment this is maybe the most faithful (*except the little sci fi intro note) adaptation I've seen of any book in general in my life. I am so so happy. I loved the scene in Tao Rans car. The scenes of Fei as a child is better than anything I could have possibly ever imagined (Luo coming from the light to cover his eyes and stop the horror, pulling him safe to the light, just the visuals and music absolutely <3 ;-; ). The scenes with Fei Du, Tao Ran, and Luo Wenzhou are just like I imagined them (this may not be true for everyone though lol - I read with the feeling they really were cold and bristly while caring/pushing into each other's business, but not even seeing each other as friend or romantic options at the start - this is coming off just like I imagined, with Tao Ran exactly just... right out of my brain perfect kudos to the guy playing him he's singlehandedly changing my life damn). I saw some people mentioning not seeing much chemistry between Luo and Fei. I may change my mind later but... as of ep 2? I'm happy to say I'm seeing exactly what the novel gave me at the same points in the plot. I actually think the shows giving a Touch more because it's really Really hammering home how Luo and Fei have revolved around each other 7 years, are stuck together in a situation they can't move past, are yin yang light dark warmth cold passion logic alive dead, and those kind of fucking parallels really hammer very obviously that as lovable as Tao Ran is it's really Luo/Fei who are the main characters and who have effected each other's lives most greatly. Yes Tao Ran is Luos best friend and was his partner since their first case of Feis mom - but Luo is who reached out slightly More to Fei Du, who made it his entire purpose to help this kid, who this kid Blamed for being unable to help, who chose to keep trying to take care of Fei for 7 years ever since (Tao ran also doing so because he was involved). Yes Fei Du crushes on Tao Ran as a safe outlet, because Tao Ran won't reciprocate (for a variety of reasons from being straight to thinking of himself as someone taking care of Fei like an older brother - and that emotional position of his is uniquely why he can give such direct advice to Fei that Fei wouldn't take as kindly to as from an actual romantic option like Luo). Fei Du acts emotionally more open with Tao, and certainly tries harder to try and live healthier by associating wirh Tao (and Tao indulges it because it does make Fei feel more human and connected). But it's clear Luos the one who makes Fei face his fears directly, who cuts through the shield entirely, the one who's words actually genuinely shake Fei Du. Tao Ran can call Fei out but on some level Fei won't break from it since it's Tao saying it, can close back up if he does open enough to take it to heart. Luo is fundamentally a person thats Too important to Fei for Fei to control how he handles him. Luo changed his life, was his hope then his hopelessness. And still remains both. The show is absolutely hammering that. Whereas the book? If you didnt know Luo was going to be the main character, you'd figure Fei/Tao was going to be at least an initial ship. Or Tao/Luo if only it was friends to lovers (just me then lol). My point is the shows clear irs got a very specific "bromance" angle and it's hammering it as much as Merlin/Arthur got hammered with 2 sides of the same coin he's your destiny. And more.

Acting again. I also love all the side characters so far. Love the casting choices all around. Zhang Donglan was not how I pictured lol but I liked his actor, the core investigation group is just like I pictured.;-; <3

Luos actor. So eyecandy in a screencap he is not particularly. In motion? He's looks wise passable for Luo. Which is like... when I read the book Luo was traditionally handsome like some superhero (Captain joke from the book and all) but in regular man's roughed up clothes of regular financial means, basic work haircut, could tone himself down if needed. So Zhao Yunlan, while I love him (good job Bai Yu) is too "pretty" to be Luo - the leather jacket too flashy, the whole look just too flashy. Luos styling in the show is acceptable as it looks like an everyday man's less flashy version of Zhao Yunlan, which is about where Luo lands. I imagined a more Model handsome type for Luo just because I imagined him more Abruptly in your face handsome hero (think Captain America) compared to "blends into the background next door neighbor cute" that is Tao Ran (and tbf show Tao Ran is Perfect.... I imagined Yang Yang but dressed/styled toned down, and this actor visually is like a 96% match to an actual fancast edit I made so.. he's perf). Luos actor instead also has a similar "everyday man next door" handsome. On the upside its probably realistic given he qnd Tao Ran should feel on the same level. On the other no its not mu mental picture of Luo - I couldn't even fancast him because he's SO specific in my mental interpretation. But back to the point: as an actor he does look suitable while playing the role. His actual acting? That's where it really matters. When I read, Luo was SUCH a specific character to me if an actor can't pull it off it'll hurt. His actor is doing Perfect. I'm beyond grateful. He's just like Luo in my head. His voice is a touch different but it's acted great so it's fine. The only scenes that jar me are ones where I can clearly know someone edited a scene or added a thing to his costume to make him look like Zhao Yunlan lmao, just because it feels less like Luo and I know it? Like his scene saving a girl from a mugger on a bike was so reminiscent of show Guardian Zhao Yunlan getting off the motorbike. The glasses and leather jacket in ep 1 on Luo screamed "similar to Zhao yunlan" but toned slightly down, and the scene he talks to get into the crime scene felt very echoey of Zhao yunlan doing that to get into the first crime scene in Guardian. The actor made it flow fine, and he Feels like Luo so I'm happy as peaches. But there were some moments in ep 1 I think lol either director or writer or someone wanted to reference Guardian or rely on that similarity to give the watcher a familiar impression. The actor is Really nailing the small moments of acting with his team, and the emotional moments with Fei are just so well done.

Anyways in summary? I had so few expectations and they've been far surpassed. I'm amazed how much extra stuff I didn't even want to hope for is also lovely in this. I'm so !!!!

#rant #lb #justice in the dark #it feels like miraculous almost #not only is it blowing my mind past even Dream Expectations i had #it also released in 2023 when 1 it wasnt expected #2 before Immortality wtf??#3 after the bl ban post WH #4 the writing is THIS close to the book. which i didnt expect to get at All #(and ill srill be fine if they deviate wildly later its a live action cdrama its something that could happen).#if ur thinking of watching i recommend 1. read the edanglarstranslations english translation its soo good #2 maybe wait until April to watch this show. i hear thats when it will finish airing. and youku is slowly fixing subs from mtl #so more time to let them get better subs uploaded

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drukhari · 2 years

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hey king, during this lovely pride month I told my dad I'm not cis, im nonbinary. It went well yay! but I knew it would go well but I'm not sure he fully got what non-binary meant (tbf I could've done better with the explanation too but nerves I guess), do you know a nice meme or like a simple thing that would kinda explain it?

First off, congrats!! I'm glad the conversation went well 😊 I kind of found myself in the same boat with my parents when I came out as nonbinary and gave them a very quick rundown on what that meant for me. They were honest with me in that they may need a minute to fully grasp nonbinary as a concept, because at the time they'd literally never heard of it, but they've always been open to learning more since then and have asked genuine questions when they have them so everything has worked out. Hopefully that'll be the case with your dad too!

As far as simple ways to explain it to someone who isn't familiar with the concept, that can definitely be tough since nonbinary is an umbrella term that covers an incalculable number of different gender experiences, with the unifying idea just being that the experience is outside of the usually thought of male-female binary model. There have been memes about being nonbinary that I've seen made by other nb people that haven't vibed at all with the way I experience gender, and I'm sure that my own experience doesn't vibe for every single other nb person out there too.

For myself, both when I came out to my parents and my coworkers, I actually ended up leaning more on the historic facts side of things because that's always been how my brain best wraps itself around new concepts. Nonbinary genders have existed throughout recorded human history, across many different cultures all over the world, so the idea that the male and female binary model is the "one original and true" way of experiencing gender just isn't factually correct and apparently that actually was hugely enlightening for a number of my older coworkers.

There have definitely been plenty of memes out there that try to break it down into a more simple concept for people trying to learn about what being nonbinary means, like the 2 below here

but they may very well not fit the way that you experience being nonbinary so don't feel like you have to necessarily rely on explanations or memes made by other people that don't actually fit for you. There's plenty of time for your dad to learn and grow and it's gonna be a journey for both of you in a lot of ways! Like I know I've sometimes showed clips from shows to my parents when a nonbinary character or actor shows up because that sort of thing helps reinforce for them that their kid isn't alone out here in this experience, just as an example.

There was a post on here going around for a little while (and for the LIFE of me of course I can't find it now, or remember the op, so if anyone knows the post I'm talking about and could link it as a reply please do and I'll do the same if I come across it later!) where basically the op framed it as "if being male is being in California on a map of the US, and being female is being in NY, I'm somewhere off in <insert other location between those two here>" So that's also another kind of framing option for you if that sounds like it would fit your experience. Basically any format where you frame it as "rather than being stuck between 2 ill fitting options, being nb means there's tons of other options just like XYZ thing in our world already" can help, in my experience at least.

I hope some of this helps anon - I know it was probably a lot more rambling than you may have expected lmao, and again huge congrats on coming out and it's awesome that your dad is accepting and supportive right out the gate, even if he's still learning as he goes!

#long post

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hardrotica · 2 years

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Being From Another Dimension: Chapter 1

Hi everyone, as you know I am RandreauWrites. This is my first official writing post to my Writing Den. I hope you all enjoy and stick around for another chapter and more stories.

I walked down the dimly lit street. Another long day at work had me heading home around 2 a.m. This was my usual route so I wasn't too worried about there being any weirdos and if push came to shove I already had my pepper spray in hand. Then I began hearing a set of secondary footsteps. Looking around I saw no one. Then I heard another set and another until it was like a crowd of people were following me but as I looked around I saw no one there. Then I heard a voice whisper in my ear.

"This is where you should start running."

I took off sprinting towards my house. I was only a couple blocks away but it felt like an eternity. Whoever was messing with me knew it was working well because I was scared out of my mind. As I got to my house, I opened the door and went inside, slamming the door close and locking it. My palms were against the door like I was holding it closed to keep something out but there was nothing there. The footsteps were gone and so the voice, the only audible sound was that of my breathing. I let out a sigh and just thought to myself that I was just hallucinating from all the stress I've been going through in work. As soon as I turned however I put my back against the door with a thud; There was a person standing in front of me.

He had short black hair and pitch black eyes with a stubble beard. He wore a white suit with a black shirt and tie and his skin was practically gray.

"You're home."

It was the same voice from before, a deep, echoey voice. Something that… that wasn't human. His demeanor may have been calm but I definitely wasn't. I held up the bottle of pepper spray and sprayed it directly in his face. He didn't react, not even a flinch. When I looked at his face it was like the pepper spray didn't even hit him. I hadn't realised before but he held up a wine glass that he was holding and took a sip.

"Who the hell are you?"

I was terrified of him… of it, whatever it was. He saw this and when he spoke his voice was different. It was still deep but the echo was gone, it was as if he was trying to sound human.

"I have gone by many names over the years. Damien, Celine, even the on the nose 'The Evil Entity'... but you may call me Darkiplier."

That… that was a year ago….

That night after I calmed down, he explained that he had no idea how he got to my dimension, and that he had no idea how to get back. He had no intentions of hurting me once I didn't reveal his existence. Not like I would, I mean who would believe a burnt out artist working an office job about an extra dimensional being who wields nigh limitless power. Over the months we got close talking about basic stuff like dreams and aspirations. He never really wanted to exist in the first place, only really created on the whim of his creator and that even as the villian people loved him but never really being able to bask in the spotlight for too long. As for me, I just wanted to live out my life as an artist and travel the world.

Having him around wasn't all bad. When I went out to work he would clean up the place. Though his ideal home looked like something out of a black and white movie, color scheme included, I didn't mind it much. Something interesting happened though. He said he had all of his powers as usual but that he was now experiencing what he called human drawbacks. He needed to eat, sleep, bathe. I didn't know how much 'drawbacks' he was experiencing, that was, until today.

I didn't have much work to do at work today so I was able to leave earlier than usual, 10 p.m isn't really early but I've left way later on way more occasions to complain. I opened the door and stepped inside and there he was, in front of me.

"We… need to talk."

His voice was uneasy, like something was bothering him. I said ok dropping my stuff in front of the door and walking over to the couch with him. We sat and he began speaking.

"As I've stated before, I'm being affected by human drawbacks. Hunger, tiredness, accumulation of odor and dirt on my corporeal form. But as of late I've been overtaken by a new drawback. One of desire… sexual desire…"

He looked deep into me as he said this and I blushed, turning my face away from his. Moving closer, he took my chin in his hand and slowly turned my face to his.

"And I've been having dreams about…"

I had shut him up by kissing him. I had been ignoring my needs for a full year because of my new guest. I hadn't really been into getting into relationships with guys but it didn't mean that I didn't have needs. And now, after a whole year, maybe he was exactly what I needed. When I broke the kiss he looked at me surprised but quickly caught on as he pulled me close kissing me again. Fuck could he kiss. As we continued kissing he unbuttoned and removed my shirt, sliding his hand into my skirt. As he began rubbing me through my panties my body shivered. His hands were cold, not cold enough to be uncomfortable but the type of cold that leaves a tingle when it touches you.

He moves his lips down to my neck and kisses lightly as I let out soft moans.

"Fuck Dark… please…"

I was so needy for him, only him. I'd never felt this way about any man, not that he was one. He kissed his way down my body, removing the rest of my clothes on the way down. I turned the dial on the side of the couch turning into its bed form. That's when he did it. He removed his shirt and pants. He didn't need to physically take them off but he did, making sure to make a display of his muscles… and his cock. Fuck, he couldn't have been less than 8 inches.

"Are you ready?"

I could hear the need in his voice. I shook my head yes as I laid back. He slowly began to enter. Bit by bit slowly all of it was going inside of me and soon he was all the way in. He slowly pulled back and right before it would come out he would lightly ram it back in. He was going slow and I loved it, how gentle he was being, how he moaned with every thrust. But I wanted more.

"Gods, can you stop being so gentle."

When I said this he looked at me and chuckled. But this chuckle was different; his voice echoed. Then his eyes went completely black.

"All you had to do was ask."

Saying that he wrapped one hand around my throat and the other on my stomach as he began roughly thrusting into me. His grunt and moans echoed as my moans grew louder and louder. Fuck I needed this so much, to be fucked without mercy. He kept his rough thrusts up for a while. It's like he knew exactly when I would cum because he would stop just before I would and would chuckle every single time. He then flipped me over, pointing my butt directly at him as he thrust back in even harder. The room slowly was filled with my moans, his moans and the smacking of our bodies together. Then he decided to add another smack. Taking his hand he smacked my ass harshly and I let out a moan with a mix of pain and pleasure. He kept spanking and fucking. My mind was going a mess, slowly losing the ability to speak or respond, only able to moan from the pleasure as he harshly fucked me. Soon my mind went blank, all I could feel was pleasure. I tried mustering one word and that was a mistake.

"D-d-d-daddy…"

That was the only word I could muster. When he heard this he cursed under his breath and and fucked me even harder and faster. Fuck it felt so good. We could have been there for hours, him roughly fucking me and stopping when I get close. Over and over he kept doing it until he finally gave in. I felt like I was in heaven when I came. I also felt his warm cum flowing into me, gosh there was so much. And after a small break we kept fucking. Different positions, different places we kept fucking. The sun had risen and it didn't matter to us, all we cared for was the pleasure.

#youtube #markiplier #darkiplier #smut #smut fic #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction

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misledyouth222 · 2 months

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Over My Head (Better Off Dead) - Sum 41

I am a really bad friend. Unless someone’s in front of me all the time, my follow through is non-existent.

I met probably my bestest friend that I’ll have ever had in my entire life freshman year of high school. We hit it off right away - she was a friend of a friend, and we very quickly squashed the mutual friend and were basically inseparable. We had almost everything in common (my musical tastes leaned more hardcore and pop punk, hers more radio rock that was popular in the early 00s), shared the same insecurities. We were both introverts who stayed home all weekend and watched Invader Zim together in the phone.

We ended up dating another set of best friends junior year. I had a huge thing for mine for the entire year before, and during the summer started hanging out more and things fell into place. His best friend went to a different school, and they became closer and things fell into place. That summer && the following months were a blast. The four of us did (almost) everything together. My parents with their strict af outlook on parenting, I did miss out on a lot when they would hang out just the three of them, but I was used to it, and always got the recap of the idiot things they did.

While me and my boyfriend broke up by Christmas, she and her boyfriend went strong af. We were all still friends though, I just wasn’t “his girlfriend anymore” (literally nothing else changed, I slept with him constantly for the next two years). We went on our senior beach trip together. The first time I got drunk off margaritas was with them, at her older brothers house who supplied us our supplies.

We graduated, and spent the summer hanging out. I was going one place - she was going another. She and her boyfriend came over the night before I left, and as much of a happy face as I put on, I was so sad to be leaving her behind.

Her mom passed around spring break. I had already planned a trip to go to the other coast with my ***~^stupid ab*s*ve boyfriend who cut me off from all my friends I went to college with~~^***, and knew I couldn’t make it. I was devastated I couldn’t be there for her, but there was no way to cancel this stupid fucking trip without a huge blowout argument, full of threats that I’d be all by myself without him (bc he drove all of my friends off).

Things weren’t the same after that. I didn’t have a car, so that summer was spent in my childhood bedroom, talking to no one bc I had no one left. I didn’t know how to talk to her again without feeling a huge load of guilt on my shoulders, and she didn’t call. We kept up through social media, but never really hung out again.

She got married to her high school sweetheart on their 10th anniversary, in the summer. I hadn’t seen them in so long, and had just finally rid my life of the ^**~~fkface!**~, and was determined to make this friendship work again. I was an adult. I had a car. They didn’t live that far away.

I didn’t talk to her again until our very lame (I cannot believe I even went to this goddamn thing) 10 year high school reunion. She texted me, asking if I was going (of course we still had the same numbers from high school), and I told her I was on the fence but would if she did. We went, it was the lamest thing I’ve ever participated in. They met my now husband, and really liked him. We reminisced about high school, like the time we played strip poker on vacation, and the time her husband gave us a fashion show in some skirt he found lying around the house. We promised to keep in better touch. She went home, I went home.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I haven’t talked to her since, it’s almost been another 10 years. We keep up on social media still - she’s a nurse now, and looks so happy with her nurse friends and they go on fun, adult adventures like baby showers and bridal things. I go on juvenile adventures with my husband and right here friends, and we double-tap each other’s posts.

My best friend in the world is a stranger now. I was convinced that we’d be friends 4eva, be each other’s maids of honor at our weddings, act stupid and do stupid shit together until we were old and gray and senile.

I know that I can reach out, god knows she’s still got the same number from high school (as do I). But I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness, because I didn’t keep my end of the bargain up. Sure, she didn’t either, but in a way it was my turn to start again, throw the feelers out, reach out more. It was me who said, and I quote, “I fucking miss you, let’s do this more often, not under the guise of a lame ass high school reunion.”

I don’t know if she misses my friendship as much as I do. Probably not, as most normal folks move on with their lives, and I have the said trait I inherited from my mother of constantly thinking over the past, wondering what would have happened if this went this way, or that went that way. I wish this was the only example of my shitty friend-ness, but it’s more of a beginning of a sad road of scorched earth I’ve left behind.

If she texted me tomorrow, I’d be there in a goddamn heartbeat. ❣️

(I had to edit the fuck outta this entry. I did not know my life was so ~*ScAnDaLoUs*~)

#pity party #bad friend #bad day #cause you had a bad day #high school reunions are dumb

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randomclam24 · 3 months

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I just kind of realized out of necessity, Donald Trump as he was valued, as a precedent-setter candidate, did nothing to install new /ourguy/ candidates even immediately after he was there, because after all the grifters are weeded out, there's the usual GOP as it is

His campaign proves that we already have the people willing to see the country driven as it was supposed to be, but it's the indoctrination process undergirding politicianhood preventing anyone from being a Jeb Bush at any given moment at all times. Are you going to address the implicit groomers in the indoctrination process to being a politician? That's what all these pundits on mainstream news are concerned about - are you really going to - and that's batshit - he never did

2/6 Today I miraculously woke up at 7am and actually went out shopping with my mom even despite the gangstalking

We actually didn't fight today. It went well, and I carpooled to do my minimal shopping along the same trip

It was still pretty awkward, with songs guessing what I was going to do, and then me having to back off playing into feelings of allegiances over stimulation to what I was simply already thinking myself

More importantly, I realized today that it's very easily that I accept unconsciously that my personal takes as I call things are not important - we don't want that. This is on a deeper level It would have been easy to think that it doesn't exist if I had just kept silent. Explaining things gains conversationally to a point that the other person's personal experiences are related, but that comes at the expense of the actual take(and then I go back to thinking that it's okay that I never got my voice heard) Getting the personal observation across is pushing a boulder uphill

Update With the way after this session effectively I thought things were going to go a little different - I have a resume to flesh out for a job posting that finally got posted as described from this program Imgur suddenly drops "We've change things a little here!", with, when you look at the thing described, is the exact system of uploading previously (since I've been doing this practice of going back to abandoned focuses to explain my real "aha moment" to my mom as it had been established by today), it's suspicious as hell when that contours my exact thought pattern (I'm going to make expressing my real feelings more accessible, even though it's prototypically exactly what I've been doing previously)

It's like, they can't *do* anything without not my greenlight per se but my overt "okay" - I must have placed my faith soundly in something they have complete control over.

I'm scared as hell over getting back into the grind after summer 2021 ramping up gangstalking. I explained just that I'm sqeamish to the point I need a work-from-home job

2/7 I don't have a particular reason for using this example other than it was the one that was brought up to produce this reaction - Van Halen - Jump was I figured released in the 80's and I wanted to know if my mom would have been in her prime around that time, and she just said it's just a *stupid* song

My basic reaction is that there isn't a basis for that, but seeing as it was so deep a reaction it just came compulsively without any worries over the fact, it must have come from self-image.

The fact that the act of saying that in itself is going to be what yields to being perceived as like a "cult of personality" - I don't know how to navigate with people going forward

2/10 night Basically yes, I've had to come back to the fact that Silent Hill 4 is basically the only content that's surely going to be useful to this movement

Something I want to say, though: Common Filth's idea of provincialism, I had: the logical conclusion as it is the *concept* is a system like feudalism was a response to outside invaders with regards to the like of international banking. They're, by the fact of not having this complete unrest as the inevitable conclusion, not even doing that - fundamentally - that isn't the ultimate of what the people are doing - not at all

Update My mom when I was young was like, man, what's wrong? You should have girls all over you! That's not what this is. People fundamentally are in perpetuity what you call "on their way", and I'm a nuisance on time. Automatically, they say you would be a lot more attractive if you just ["shut the fuck up and do nothing" - David Rothschild, addressed broadly to Dumpft]

Update I end up thinking, people at their base state is their ultimate striving, to which it satisfies. If that weren't the nature, as Satanists predicate on, there would not exist a deep state - *it is*

People need a supply(, to which there is an inevitable supplier). When I go at that, it runs off as, *all* I'm attacking is capitalism

Update And preceding a movement, which is a defunct term in our sense ['We' I guess in a very loose sense - ("Who's "we"? we need to **get** rid of those")]

I have to consider the implications of having everyone doing Silent Hill 4, because that's the only thing this concerns: every other need preemptively is satisfied via controlled debauchery: in and of itself. That's all our people want.(The *remaining* of those in the Trump crowd rallies, meaning any of the actual crowds, weren't *even* dissident-right(, signaling what we fundamentally really *exist* posing[You think we *pose* anything? ("**We'll** do something about em")]))

Even though I haven't seen it, Astronauts Gone Wild is the only reaction garnered from *real* activity, seeing as everything else has already been firmly and *soundly* resolved through *controlled* debauchery(The Sexual Revolution was in the *sixties* - you're missing if you have to see this).

Update (That yields to a disturbing concept, that, those crowds aren't real Trump supporters, like Silent Hill school wasn't the real school)

Update What are the real crowds?

Update Cancel mob culture holds the depth in energy you alternative right-wing supporters in your "movement" merely claim

** The reason the left is low-energy is because they're being given a do-nothing "I won't incite the in-store 'Astronauts Gone Wild' energy because I'm being a good goy" movement on all fronts from all we even after this is long blown over would ever have seen ** [That's where I would have to cut you off - these so-called dissidents would stab you with the ice pick in the back of the neck if you went on (And that's what we're not internalizing (That's how pathetic we are.) Our so-called energy in "dissidence" has been *against* people like Common Filth specifically, in itself. The *rest* is just *sexual* angst.)]

Remember how HIllary specifically got passed the oranges down the aisle, on the plane with the messages being passed forth? You are that deliberately - why It's like: *I'm looking at this all wrong*. (I'm supposed to see it as that in my act of self-agreement.) They're all in this togther, even the Trump supporters(apparently [apparently? evidently]). I even internally called out the explicit stipulation of the low energy being a requirement to set the stage for the likes of being passed message-oranges - it's like, Trump's just picking fun at us in this act of his of calling it out, like, keep doing your thing boys, I'll just keep being sitting here, dogwhistling(That pretty much sums up what *anyone* is out here doing, being [basically meaning it's all identity masturbation])

Now that it's established that leftists have the depth of energy - people **like** sex

Update By these days it is revealed, "All I see", as an argument against motivatedness for their enemies, is always about propping up on deliberate belation of contact

2/11 Summing up, I checked on the series and returned to the last major area of Silent Hill 3. Eventually, since I wasn't really about to be doing it for its own sake at the time being, I got tired but wouldn't give up, so I ended up doing things a little different where I actually used the blocking move and even banked on it, realizing that the sound made was basically a basketball sound, for some reason, and that's about where it hit me, because it was so obvious, this is obviously not the kind of thing that plays into the era of gaming where also MGS was fresh and even on the same console, but the kind of memetics that would have come out into Monogatari, with weird animal representations

Basically what it comes down to is, it's well-circulated, if not among people, then only among the elites, major league sports was devised as a schematic to divert people's attention off of what would naturally be for military activity

There's no use arguing about it. Having no connection left unsevered to the outside world, we're fully contained as zoo animals.

2/17 Because I finally caved to the desire to make a shitpost mod of Baldi's Basics, but didn't want to be bothered with other engines than the latest commonly-used rendition of Doom Builder, I tried the proof-of-concept of Baldi's Basics actually being recreated losslessly in Doom. Scaling the textures to integrate with Doom's native textures is actually relatively easy, but to actually sell the vibe of the map, at the map level it had to be scaled down specifically, and that invokes UDMF texture scaling, which doesn't work in GZDoom's mapping format in GZDoom for some reason, whereas ZDoom's mapping format does work in GZDoom

I was really only going to do this for a goofy edit

2/18 In analog horror or just the general atmosphere surrounding it, everybody is ultimately copying Chuck E Cheeses, but in the thick of it, nobody remembers actually Chuck E Cheeses, and I just remember good vibes from an era when we didn't have mostly more negative vibes from that, over that one time my parents actually allowed me to go one time without them blowing their stack over all the little kids going there (that's where I discovered the Jurassic Park 1994 2.5D arcade for more than one person)

Update Further from the memory, though, there was this one machine where you're supposed to time a button press in time to catch a falling thing, and it turns out after the fact you've already put in the quarter it's at the moment the quarter registers that the thing falls, not after a button press after the quarter has been entered

I don't trust negative vibes, but I get what you're saying, that was a scam

Update https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUuH0288jbY&list=PLZc9zR5LdxbpkgjwpFS9FhL_OLh_w5XNF&index=10 at around 0:29

I don't know. Does knowing about Silent Hill music make you special?

I'll bet most people making unironic analog horror don't know about Silent Hill.

People knowing about Silent Hill are sitting around with analog horror going on

I say that in a dismissive way, but with all things taken into account, it's a little sad (we're just sitting here)

Update I don't know, but I have an incredible romanticism that I interpret out of the theory of Siren the series, as it is (indeed) the spiritual successor to Silent Hill, made up largely by post-employees of Team Silent, but no one talks about that

The entire theory of it (I think) is that you have to have everything of the previous installment in order, to do the following, so with Siren, the tension is insanely high, so naturally I don't play it

Update Even though it really technically shouldn't be posted

As it comes to the point of Siren that it wasn't even released in America, like I feel it sometimes incidentally anyway

I won't continue on imgur, but as I posted under "extreme casual racism" there, where is it about race? it's about the world we live in - sometimes I get the organic urge to spam the gamer word, and it's not for hate.

Although a great majority of minorities genuinely don't care about the specific country we live in - like what scope do you think that is? and how much of people even care, when they're talking about politics, at that scope to begin with - you could care less whether America lives or dies

Update That what the founding fathers intended is left to just be a minor anecdote in our virtue-signaling makes me wonder what we're living in

2/22 I remember exactly why I didn't want to do Monster Energy anymore - after today's shopping all but physically carrying my mom the whole way on my back, you can be starting to crash, drink Monster Energy, and continue to completely crash.

Some things picked up uniquely from recent accumulated Siren study videos showed a few common themes, which the gameplay itself really isn't there talking about - and I don't do sidequesting-type content on my own

To keep it straight to the point, the focus is of the nature of the town as attunement to this other plane, and after the quip from Common Filth about the elites with the religion that they personally hold, placing the focus for all of us on what happens on "the astral plane", that begs the serious question Moreover, the way I interpret, because based on reality there's no other-plane involvement but a set virtual scenario context that feels to be implied by gangstalking, the comparison by Common Filth, especially with his coining of "embroilment" when there demonstrably is none on my end where it would imply the most broadly, is that there is such embroilment on the end of elites - as I said, *vicariously*

Update I suppose the exact reason Siren 2 wasn't bothered to be released in North America is the same reason liberals are by and large the most insane here - they feel the feeling that they can say "everything is racist, everything is sexist, and you have to point it all out" sans any reason to be saying it - it's fact America, and I suppose North America, following America by and large, is consumerist, rooted on this level If that's the sense of things liberals are getting at, with the way Siren's facial projections have been coined in some of these videos as "deep into the uncanny valley", basically like Monogatari concludes, it doesn't even matter if the main character is a pedophile. That's not the depth of it. "Republicans" - and this, having to do with more specifically us, must define what has been called whiteness as opposed to the race, because not even Europeans have people bite into them as much over this - providing this cultural perpetual lid-covering - (Is there this real reason the jew from the sewer in New York City was so pushed?) are providing a front for something much deeper (which makes no sense out of specific context - no one is doing ( - but then to say "this", which concludes it as the specific context, is not apparently but evidently speaking atrocities))

Update (The lid self-uncovering - oh no they couldn't safeguard our consumerist lifestyle held fast enough) Look - Republicans are what have been called obsessed. That's the reason for their so-called "disseminating" - these are concepts which have been disseminated for however many

2/23 night

So I don't forget as easily, the next massive theme for the game Siren is the years it is attuned to: 1976, pertaining to the ritual, and 2003, in my eyes pertaining to the thematics as released in its timeline of spiritual succession, Silent Hill 3 Although this was deleted from an imgur account being deleted, the 70's is debatably the contentious time in U.S. history associated with the depth of their pearl-clutching. Also, it was allegedly a time when people were feeling hopeless, like they had no hope. This also happened to be after the Sexual Revolution What happened after this? The advent of Star Wars, famously What followed? The Golden Age of Hollywood

2/24 night It's the thing I would never do: hold myself fast while already standing in one position

The same applies sitting at the dinner table, holding position in a congregation, or sitting in formal and not comfortable seating

2/25 The two Five Nights at Freddy's games I never played are three and four. What is different now? The main themes are a struggle that happens inside of you. There is no reason to externalize it into a full experience for its own sake. I'm confident this forcing into external matters is the picturesque reason they call you obsessed

Update

It is obvious the Left is who would be meaningfully using these sources, but as soon as I thought of setting myself to the gameplay of the original, I thought of what is the subtitle to the Americanized later release, blood curse

The review will be long and arduous

2/28

I'm basically asking for handouts here

"Larry David Seems Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Close to Ending 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' With a Re-Do of the Seinfeld Finale"

People didn't need to watch SNL or in general, TV to form their cultural understanding It's just the way Trump supporters, when they appear on TV in general, as the example, present themselves like they already want to be a Rothschild agent or something - they don't even have to watch

3/2 Our celebrities abjectly just sexualize being pitted against adversity for its own sake

Update I didn't like the conclusion of the game, but I figure Blight Dream applies to these Nick Fuentes wannabes whom he says should be "generational" - it's not the 70's

3/3 The new messaging on Panera - we know you're already going to do this habitually, might as well make it pedophilia Common Filth's I guess communally accumulated knowledge of Elon Musk's virtual existence, I do experience that; Pitfall - the Lost Expedition's first genuine level celebrates the Hollywood world-affirmation as of circa 2004

3/4 night People under what conditions people call "incel", not having split personalities by which to experience being God vicariously themselves, with these steady barkings at the system which discard subconsciously, by the way (this is what, the very thing, SOAD meant of plastic existence), once one begins to break rank of faith of their people to break *out* of that four-walls psychology they're baked into - that's where you originate **your own phrase** (not ours) - "you asked for it" - under the jurisdiction of Christ, we *handle*

Look. I betrayed you people- That gave them jurisdiction.

Yeah no - that's exactly why these people keep their subconsciousnesses clean in order so that they can *do* all [] this business in and of itself - you all just couldn't do it because you wanted to keep to yourselves - you did this to yourselves

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hdmiports · 5 months

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thinking about maddy and mandie again

they're like so insufferably stupid together its not even funny. like they locked eyes for -2 seconds and maddy was already whipped so bad (she's just like me fr)

mandie is the same way but she was looking at a maddy like

for that entire cab ride i swear. but to be fair who can blame either of them, they're both just so 👹👹 yk. and yeah maybe im biased but i fucking love them like have you SEEN them ????????????????? guys like are you looking for a third bc i may be your god but ill pull a chuck and insert myself into the story babes

anyways speaking of them being literally the hottest people that don't actually exist, im sauuurr happy with their new revamps from the other day. this is what i was picturing when i first thought of them. also if you don't know they were born from a post on my writing blog where mandie is dead (rip) and maddy is basically a hxh chimera.... and i was so obsessed with their lesbianism that i stole them from myself for my creative writing class and now i think about them everyday

i love them so bad and also let me go deep in the recesses of my google drive and find the character sheets i made for them that defffffff need to be revamped bc i haven't changed them since that one post

most of this is still accurate tbh but i wanna talk more about it

maddy:

has a very complicated relationship with her mom (again, just like me fr)

her dad and his partner are her best friends even when she was still in georgia

also extremely close with her grandma, magnolia, who keeps her mom in check

really does hate mandie's twin brother bc he's a homophobic little bitch baby who's salty that his sister is cooler than him

her dad is Mr. New York Business but growing up he encouraged her love for art and dress up which inspired her to pursue fashion design (she picks mandie's outfits out when they start officially dating instead of being stupid homos)

mandie:

she transed her gener in middle school and is extremely out and proud about it

extremely close with her mom who was the first person she came out to

speaking of her mom, while she was pregnant with mandie and adam, she experienced some complications that severely reduced her hearing in both ears and she now communicates largely via ASL, which mandie is also studying in school

her dream is to open a salon that provides gender affirming services and offers stylists that are fluent in ASL at the very least

OKAY I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS BUT I WILL BE EXPANDING ON THIS LATER TRUST

#hdmiports #m&m #SCREAMING CRYING I LOVE THEM

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helloalycia · 3 years

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teenage dirtbag [five] // wanda maximoff

summary: spending the afternoon with the Maximoff twins proved to be interesting... and prom night finally arrives!

warning/s: none.

author's note: here’s the final part to this mini series! i’m so glad you all enjoyed it and i appreciate every note i get, thank you 😊♥️ i’ve still got other wanda stuff in the works that will be posted soon, so stay tuned!

After a few tries and encouragement from Pietro, I managed to win the black cat plush toy for Wanda. It was strange, her brother wanting me to make a move on her, but I guess it reassured me a bit to know he thought I was actually good enough for her.

The two of us headed to the diner next door to find Y/BF/N and the other Maximoff twin, myself hiding the plush toy behind my back.

"Finally, you two took forever!" Y/BF/N exclaimed when he saw us approaching their table.

"Y/N here is one stubborn girl with that machine," Pietro explained with a smile as we took our seats. His eyes fell to the drink in front of him. "Oh, you ordered!"

"Just the drinks," Y/BF/N said, before looking to me as I slid in beside him in the booth. "I got you a Cherry Coke. Your favourite."

I smiled gratefully. "Thanks."

"So, what d'you win?" he asked, quirking a brow.

Feeling the heat rising up my neck, I looked to Wanda who was sat opposite Y/BF/N. She was leaning on her hand as she stared at me with a kind smile on her lips.

"You said you wanted the black cat," I said nervously, before holding it out to her. "Here."

Taken aback, she raised her eyebrows but accepted the gift. "Aww, Y/N... you didn't have to!"

I shrugged, smiling awkwardly.

She grinned, studying the toy before looking up at me with sparkling hazel eyes. "I love it. Thank you."

Nodding, I glanced at Pietro who was grinning with pride before me. I could feel Y/BF/N staring at me and when I looked his way, he was smirking and wiggling his eyebrows knowingly. Rolling my eyes, I focused my attention on the menu to distract myself.

"So... what shall we order?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.

After relaying our order to the waitress, Pietro was the first to speak up.

"Okay, I have to ask," he began, leaning forward slightly as he looked between Y/BF/N and I. "Are you guys dating?"

I almost choked on my drink as I looked over my glass to see him grinning cheekily. He knew full well that Y/BF/N and I were only friends, so what was he playing at?

"Definitely not," Y/BF/N answered with a chuckle. Y/N here is practically my sister."

"Exactly," I added, giving Pietro a look that basically said I'm going to murder you. "He's been my best friend since we were kids."

"So there's never been feelings there?" Pietro continued to question curiously, leaning back in his seat.

Wanda slapped his arm gently. "Leave them alone, Piet."

"Never," Y/BF/N answered for us both. "Like I said, she's my annoying little sister."

I quirked a brow and looked to him. "Little? I think I'd be the older sister in this fake sibling relationship,"

"But I'm a month older than you," he stated like that was explanation enough.

"But you act like a child," I retorted. "I'd be the older one."

He rolled his eyes, though a smile was playing on his lips. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say."

I rolled my eyes, too, before looking back to the twins. Wanda was smiling as she sipped her drink and Pietro had a mischievous glint in his eyes as he looked to me. What the hell was he thinking?

"So you're not interested in Y/BF/N," he thought aloud. "And you definitely weren't interested in me..."

"You made a move on Y/N?" Wanda asked suddenly, looking to her brother with knitted brows.

I breathed out through my nose, eyes falling to the table with embarrassment.

"Yeah, but she made it clear she didn't like me," Pietro said with a shrug, before looking to me again. "So who do you like then? Or is their a girlfriend we don't know about?"

Looking up, I saw three sets of eyes on me and I suddenly felt nervous. Y/BF/N and Pietro were watching with amusement dancing in their eyes as Wanda chewed her lip curiously, awaiting an answer.

"You know there's nobody, Pietro," I said through a forced smile as I looked to him.

His cheeky smile was still present as he said. "Really? I thought you mentioned someone back then. Whilst we were playing in the arcade."

Oh, boy, was he going to die.

"You misunderstood," I played along, before kicking him in the shin to shut him the hell up.

Of course, it was just my luck that the leg in front of me was actually Wanda's. She squeaked an 'ow' as she bent down to rub her leg.

"What was that?" she asked with confusion.

Pietro must have pitied me, having put me on the spot enough in the past two minutes, as he looked to his sister with an apologetic smile. "My bad, Wands. My foot just twitched."

I breathed out with relief as Pietro looked to me, trying not to laugh. He was lucky we were with company otherwise I would have killed him there and then.

—

I wasn't expecting to be hanging out with the Maximoff twins on a Saturday afternoon, but by the time dinner came to an end, I realised how much I enjoyed the day. And I think I could say the same for Y/BF/N, too.

The rest of our meal was pretty uneventful after Pietro's initial teasing, to my relief, and Pietro eventually quit it with the overt hints towards his sister. The last thing I wanted was for Wanda to feel uncomfortable, so I was glad he eventually cut it out.

At the end of the meal, Pietro and Y/BF/N offered to split the bill between them – something about chivalry not being dead, I don't know, all I knew was Wanda and I were getting a free meal so why complain? – and headed to the till to pay, leaving Wanda and I alone.

She was hugging her new black cat plushie on her lap adorably, making me smile.

"Aren't black cats supposed to be bad luck or something?" I asked, earning her attention.

She put her arm on the back of her seat, leaning her head on her hand as she gave me her full attention. "I didn't peg you for the suspicious type," she taunted.

I smiled. "I never said I believed it. Just what I've heard."

She chuckled, licking her lips. "Fair point... I don't believe it either. I just love black cats. They're so cute and get way too much stick for merely existing."

It was my turn to laugh. She had such a unique way of thinking that I couldn't help but be attracted to. Something as simple as the way she was smiling at me right now warmed my heart.

"How is your hand by the way?" she suddenly asked, eyes looking down to it.

I squeezed it into a fist and released. The purple bruising along my knuckles had turned yellow-green which meant it was getting better, but it did still hurt a little. Nonetheless, I didn't want to make Wanda feel bad, so I gave her a reassuring smile.

"It's okay," I said, making her look up at me with concerned eyes. "I mean, it hurts a little, but it's getting better."

She pursed her lips, nodding. "Nate really did deserve what you did. Bet it felt good."

I raised my eyebrows with surprise, certainly not expecting that. "I guess it did a little, but..."

"It's okay, I'm not biased," she promised with a slight smile. "We broke up, remember?"

I relaxed before mirroring her expression. "Then yeah, it felt pretty great. Karma for hitting me with that stupid football."

She chuckled, leaning back into her seat and clutching her cat. "Karma, indeed." There was a pause, before she grew excited. "So prom is coming up. How are we feeling?"

I groaned playfully. "We're feeling exhausted already. I'm not a huge prom fan."

She gasped. "Seriously? Y/N, come on, it's our last one! How aren't you excited?"

I pulled a face. "The concept of dancing in a hall with people I barely speak to isn't exactly appealing."

She straightened up, hugging her cat closely. "So what, you're not gonna go?"

"I'm not sure yet... Y/BF/N has plans to ask someone and really wants me to go, too," I admitted. "But I've not decided. I might just leave him to it."

She tilted her head to the side curiously, eyes studying me intensely. "What if somebody asked you to go with them? Then would you go?"

I tried not to laugh as I leaned my head in the palm of my hand on the table. "Nobody is going to ask me, Wanda. Nobody even knows who I am."

She scoffed playfully. "Now that's just not true. You're beautiful, Y/N. Funny. Kind. Intelligent. Someone is bound to ask."

I rolled my eyes, hoping to distract from the heat rising to my cheeks. I knew she was just saying all of that stuff to be nice, but God was I awful at accepting compliments.

She must have noticed as she leaned forward on her own palm, eyes glowing with entertainment. "Okay, what if you asked somebody?"

Appreciating the subject change, I leaned back in my seat. "I wouldn't even know who to ask."

She thought about it for a moment, before saying, "Pietro was being annoying earlier with all of that questioning, but he's right. Is there nobody you're even remotely interested in at school?"

I quirked a brow, wondering if she was serious. The way she was watching me patiently, a small smile tugging at her lips, made me believe she was. And I found that I couldn't bring it in myself to completely lie to her. So, I didn't.

"There's one person," I admitted reluctantly, swallowing hard. This piqued her interest as she sat up straight, an excited look on her face. I continued, "But I could never ask her."

She gave me an are you serious? look. "And why not?"

I tensed my jaw, smile fading at the thought. "She wouldn't say yes."

Wanda's expression softened. "I doubt that."

Feeling a little uncomfortable, I shuffled in my seat. "She wouldn't. And it's fine anyway! I mean, I wouldn't even know what to say. It's pointless."

"Try," was all she said. And in response to my confused face, she added, "Try asking me. Practice what you would say if I was this girl."

I shook my head. "Wanda, that's not–"

"Just try!" she insisted, sitting back in her seat and smiling encouragingly. "No harm, no foul, right?"

Maybe a little, I thought, but straightened up anyway.

"Okay, er..." I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling nervous as her eyes followed my every move. Looking up, I felt intimidated by her gaze, even though she had the softest smile and kindest eyes directed my way. "Wanda, would you like to go to prom with me?"

Without hesitation, she nodded. "I'd be honoured to, Y/N."

It was fake, this whole thing was 'practice'. But God, I wanted it to be real so bad. She held my gaze, confident and startling and wonderful all at once, and I had no idea what to do. My palms were getting sweaty and my heart was racing the longer she stared. My gaze fell to her lips at the wrong time, as she licked them and I wanted to lean in, wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her hard and tell her how I felt. I wanted to ask her to prom and dance with her in the school gym. I wanted to hold her hand and pull her close, staring into her eyes without fear of going too far.

I wanted her.

"Okay, we're all done here," Pietro's voice broke our staring contest. He clapped his hands together, stopping by the table. "You both ready to go?"

Wanda nodded, already sliding out from the booth. "I'm ready. Y/N?"

I looked up and forgot how to breathe when she smiled down at me.

"Y-yeah," I got out, wiping my palms on my jeans before sliding out the booth. "All ready. Let's go."

—

Prom came upon us in no time and I'd made the decision to attend. My sister ended up convincing me with Y/BF/N, the two of them rambling about how it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience and a rite of passage before graduating high school. As much as I hated the thought of attending, I knew they were right, so I agreed to go.

Y/S/N came over to help me get ready, as she was the one who picked my dress. I wanted to wear a cute pantsuit, not really one for dresses, but after her complaints – "you're really milking that whole 'I'm a lesbian' look aren't you?" – I agreed on a dress that she chose.

She helped me do my hair and makeup before taking loads of embarrassing photos of me at the door. I went to prom with Y/BF/N and his date – some girl he liked in his Maths class – which wasn't too bad, but I didn't want to third wheel too much, so I gave them space when we actually arrived.

The school had done a good job at converting the gym into something unrecognisable, I must admit. Plus there was food, which was always a good distraction.

Some acquaintances from some of my classes said their hellos to me and engaged in some quick conversations before moving on. Admittedly, it wasn't too bad catching up with people I'd shared class with over the past several years. Y/BF/N even had a few dances with me, both him and his date, which was sweet, but honestly, I still felt out of place.

Two hours in, I was already fed up of the experience, opting to stand on the sidelines by a cocktail table with a sad glass of punch. I definitely didn't expect to see Wanda approaching me with an impressed smile on her lips. I hadn't actually seen her since arriving, the place full of students and myself barely recognising anyone as it was, let alone in a full gymnasium.

"You came," she said when she stopped my table, eyes looking me up and down. "You look amazing, Y/N."

She was one to talk. I tried not to drool over how beautiful she looked. I assumed she'd be one to wear a dress, but I guess I assumed wrong as she was pulling off a burgundy suit and white blouse. Her hair was curled and left out, paired with a smokey eye makeup look that only complimented her eyes perfectly.

"Says you?" I replied with a smile. "You look gorgeous, Wanda."

She smiled bashfully. "Thank you... so what made you change your mind in coming?"

I laughed uncomfortably, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Partially forced by my family, partially felt like I had to."

She laughed alongside me. "Well, I feel like you made the right choice."

"Not too sure about that," I joked, before straightening up. "So, who was lucky enough to bring Wanda Maximoff as their date to the prom?"

She rolled her eyes at my compliment, smile on her lips still. "Nobody. I came alone. Well, alone but with my brother."

I was surprised at that, but tried to hide it with a nod. "Alone works, too."

"Says the girl who also came alone," she teased.

I couldn't help but smile with amusement. "Yeah. Says she."

Setting her purse on the table, she began to open it. "I was looking for you earlier. But I couldn't find you."

I watched as she fumbled around in her purse. "Yeah? And what did you need?"

After a moment of searching, she finally pulled out two slips of paper that looked like tickets. Holding them up with a small smile, she said, "I've got two tickets to the Paramore concert happening in the summer."

My jaw dropped with disbelief. "You're kidding."

She shook her head, holding them towards me. I accepted them, looking to see if she was pulling my leg. She wasn't.

"These are really good seats," I pointed out, before looking up at her. "You scored big time."

She laughed as I held the tickets out to her. Accepting them back, she said, "I did. And I bought them for a reason."

I raised an eyebrow as she watched me.

"We've got to get matching tee shirts somehow, right?" she joked lightheartedly before looking to me with certainty. Green eyes sparkled with hopefulness as she said, "Come with me."

My mouth went dry. She was asking me to go with her, holy shit.

I opened my mouth, about to speak, but she cut me off.

"Don't say maybe," she said, chewing on her lower lip nervously. "Say yes."

The music and the dancing students and the lights all faded into nothing as Wanda waited for a response, stepping closer to me, way too close to be platonic. I was overwhelmed, definitely not expecting this. Never in a million years did I think Wanda Maximoff, the most popular girl in our grade, would be asking me to see Paramore with her. I didn't even think she knew I existed!

Her eyes darted between mine patiently, sending shivers down my spine. I could feel her breath tickling my lips as she waited and I looked down to hers, suppressing the urge to lean in.

"Yes," I finally spoke, voice barely a whisper as I swallowed hard. "I'll go with you."

She nodded, but that wasn't enough as she licked her own lips. I looked back to her eyes, only to see her looking down at mine.

"Can I kiss you?" she muttered softly, making me freeze in place.

Her eyes looked back to mine, dark and patient. I managed to nod weakly, and she wasted no more time when pressing her lips to mine a in a slow, gentle, warm kiss. Her hand wrapped around my waist, tugging my body close to hers, as the other rested behind my neck, giving me goosebumps and turning my insides to jelly.

I closed my eyes, melting into her embrace, one hand planted firmly on her waist as the other rested on her chest. She tasted like peppermint and her floral perfume was infiltrating my senses, making my head dizzy in the best way possible.

When she pulled away, I opened my eyes and was immediately submerged in pools of green. Still so close to her, I kept ahold of her waist as she did the same with me, eyes flickering down to my lips once more.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time," I admitted breathlessly.

She looked to me again. "Why didn't you?"

Her lips were swollen slightly, red lipstick ruined. I could only imagine the mess on my own lips, but I didn't care.

I smiled nervously. "You were with Nate."

She tried not to laugh. "How stupid of me." Eyes falling to my lips again, she added, "I should have broken up with him sooner if it meant I could do this."

I smiled widely, heart fluttering in my chest at her words. Leaning forward, I took her bottom lip in mine, giving her a final kiss that was long overdue before pulling away.

"In case you couldn't tell, you were the girl I wanted to ask to prom," I said, stepping back slightly, but taking her hands in mine.

She bit her lip to contain her smile. "I figured... and for the record, I would have said yes."

My cheeks began to heat up, but I smiled nonetheless. "Well, in that case... Wanda, would you like to go to prom with me?"

She grinned. "I would be honoured, Y/N."

I mirrored her expression. She held out her free hand.

"Do you wanna dance?" she asked gently.

I accepted her hand, squeezing it gently. "I'd love to."

Before either of us could make a move to do so, we heard Pietro's voice shouting in the distance.

"Fina-fucking-lly!"

We turned to the left to see him racing towards us in his blue suit, a knowing smile on his lips.

"You took forever," he said with disbelief to his sister. "I thought I'd have to keep flirting with Y/N in front of you for you to get the hint and make a fucking move."

Wanda rolled her eyes, but I smiled as her cheeks dusted pink.

"And you!" he said, looking to me. "You're so oblivious it hurts."

"Wanda didn't know I existed before this year," I told him, half joking and half serious. "I had every right to be."

Wanda squeezed my hand, earning my attention. She shook her head. "That's not true. I always noticed you."

I gave her a knowing look. "Seriously?"

With an endearing smile, she nodded. "Seriously."

I sighed, looking away and definitely not expecting that. "Well, okay then."

She laughed, pulling me close and wrapping an arm around my waist comfortably. "I believe you owe me a dance. C'mon.

Pietro opened his mouth to speak, but Wanda merely pushed past him, guiding me to the dance floor.

"Not now, Piet," she said, before looking to me with sparkling eyes. "I want to dance with my girlfriend."

I was sure it was impossible for me to smile anymore.

"Girlfriend," I noted aloud, nodding. "I like the sound of that."

She grinned before standing opposite me, holding out her hand. And as I accepted it, I felt a warmth spread all over me that was only possible because of one girl and one girl only.

Wanda Maximoff.

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff au #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff imagine #elizabeth olsen #marvel imagine #mcu #marvel #mcu imagine #scarlet witch #scarlet witch imagine

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castiel-left-his-mark-on-me · 3 years

Note

Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

#omg #I don't even know if this makes sense #this took way too long to write #j2 #cockles #long post #spn family #so glad you see you back again my dear #welcome to hell #it's hotter now

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barzzal · 3 years

Text

between halls and thin walls → part four

summary: friends who fool around almost never works. almost.

↳ pairing: mathew barzal x you

↳ warnings: idiots, that’s all <3

↳ genre: fluff, angst, smut, roommates au, best friend’s best friend, friends with benefits, 18+

↳ length: series; part one, part two, part three, part four (6.7k), part five, part six

↳ masterlist: the barn

↳ track: my favorite part by mac miller, addicted by jorja smith, someone to spend time with by los retros

note: finally got myself to update this fic oml zzz quick psa tho, this will now be a six-part series! hope that’s okay and yenno as always, would love to hear what you think about this (validate me in the tags pls im lonely) happy reading babes! <3

“Yo, grandma. Haven’t you had too much tea to drink?” his voice echoes in the room as soon as he walks into it. You carefully set the cup down on the dining table and looked at him exasperatedly.

“Haven’t you had too much care to give?” you snark back, earning yourself a disappointed look from him.

“Really, y/n? That’s the best you’ve got?” he shakes his head at your appalling retort. What a shame.

You were good at pissing him off to be fair. You just weren’t in the mood to throw teases back and forth especially now that you’re feeling particularly vulnerable.

The week has been far too dreadful for you and you know that you’re willing to grovel your way into the weekend to finally have the time to slack off, not worry about taking a bath, and just go crazy with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

However, just like always, Mathew seems to never run out of ways to get on your nerves.

He carelessly puts his stuff on the table, causing a fairly loud thud on the surface.

You let out a deep breath, massaging your temple.

“Somebody’s cranky.” he grins. Not necessarily the kind you’d want to see from him.

You try to ignore him for a few minutes but you can’t help noticing how his build easily took over much of the space you’ve already been occupying. You irkingly look up at him, closing the book you were reading. You meet Mat’s eyes who just innocently looked back into yours. Waiting. Possibly plotting on yet another sophisticated way to toy with you.

“You’re a child.” you roll your eyes and return to your reading. He says nothing and instead rests his chin atop his enclasped hands, continuing to bother you with his ridiculously beguiling eyes. He presses his lips together before sighing dramatically.

“What?” you snap, finally shutting your book down as you look at him.

“I wanna go out.” he looks up at you in an effort to make his huge physique smaller than it really was.

“Then go out. You’re a big boy.” you breathe.

“You just said that I’m a child.” he coos, mimicking a five-year-old’s voice.

“Stop that.” you glare at him. Mat props himself back and laughs, “Come on. I’m bored.”

You open your book again just as you reply in a tone that Mat’s getting used to hearing. “Boredom doesn’t give you the right to pester me, Barzal.”

And as an exchange, he speaks in the same tone rather mockingly, “And so is that attitude, Y/L/N.”

“Come on, y/n. Let’s go out.” he now pleads, looking up at you with what seems to be his worst impression of a ‘puppy eye’.

“Fine.” you finally concede and you see Mat’s beaming smile instantly.

“Where’d you want to go?” you ask as you take your reading glasses off.

“Dunno.” He shrugs, obviously teasing.

On the edge of being irritated, you say, “Are you kidding me?”

“Grandma.” he mumbles before saying, “Do you have anything you want to do? And please don’t say book hunt.”

You suppress a smile and maintain your composure. “I’m craving for pancakes right now but I also wanna drink. Go to a bar or something.”

He nods in agreement. Already stitching his game plan.

“We can do both.” he bobs his all too fine brows.

He didn’t have a hard time getting you on board with his spontaneity. You actually haven’t gone out in a while and the thought of a possible night out doesn’t seem to be so bad of an idea.

You’ve been with Mat to parties and while the two of you don’t mingle as much as the other guys did, he does know his way around the club. The dance floor, however, he tries. He really does.

For about an hour Mathew waited patiently in the living room as he scrolled endlessly on instagram liking a few photos and laughing at posts the fans tag him occasionally. His eyes were peeled away from the screen when he heard the door to your room click. His irises trail onto your body even if he didn’t plan to originally.

Mathew, albeit dressed simply in his black turtleneck sweater and a beige overcoat exudes just about the right ‘swag’ (as per how he puts it) to stop you in your stupor. Although what you didn’t know was how you weren’t any different in his eyes. You were dressed quite nicely in a black lace bodysuit with a pair of blackpants accentuated by the black boots you usually wear on a night out. Your coat was slung on your forearm whilst you held your clutch purse in your hand so you could close the door with the other.

“What?” you blink just as you look down to eye yourself. Feeling a tad self-conscious under his gaze.

Mat immediately breaks it off. He clears his throat, pretending to wipe off the non-existent dust on the accent table.

“What?” he mirrors with an arched brow.

You shrug off his demeanor, snatching your keys from the accent table before putting it in your purse.

“Have you called a lyft already?” he nods, absentmindedly scratching his temple.

“You ready? You look— decent.” He says, trying to act casual and distant when he gives you the compliment.

Not noticing the unfamiliar look his eyes had, you return the compliment and say, “And so do you. Good job for not looking like you came straight out of an H&M catalogue.” you wink at him with a grin. A thing which was then reciprocated by a deadpan look on his end.

Before he could even come up with yet another clever way to come at you, you start walking towards the door, looking at him once as you motion the way by curling your finger.

“Haul ass, buddy.”

𖥸

10:15 PM

Mat decided to bring you to the usual place he goes to when he wants to be alone and just enjoy a couple of beers while he chats with River, the bartender he eventually befriends after years spent drinking in solitude.

The bar had a rustic feel filled with wine barrels in the corner of the room. The seats were leather (mind you, it wasn’t the kind that gets easily worn out through time) and everything looked new to you regardless of all the vintage stuff displayed articulately on the brick wall. A turntable was set on the table stacked with vinyl records, most of which were from the 70s to 80s underneath.

It was obvious that it wasn’t the kind people would know about. Aside from it being located at such a secluded street leading to the suburbs, it wasn’t the type of bar kids would want to hang out in. It only had a few customers and most of them wore suits and came with company. No one really gave a hoot when you walked in with Mathew, aka, the face of the New York Islanders. Which is basically the reason why Mat kept coming back to the place. He felt comfortable and at peace. Almost in retrospect to being at home hanging with his father.

“I can’t believe this place exists.” you say, mouthing your thanks to River as he hands you both of your drinks. The man that’s definitely aged like fine wine smiles, nodding his head over to Mat who was doing the same before he headed back to mix another set of drinks.

“Me neither.” he grins, reminiscing about the time he’s found the small pub by accident.

“This place looks expensive though.” you whisper, making Mathew laugh.

“Well, it kinda is.” he sheepishly chuckles. “River’s filthy rich.”

“Is he really?” your mouth falls and you look back over the build of the old man. The way his salt and pepper hair was neatly slicked back makes quite a compelling case for what Mat had just said.

Mat eventually explains who he was. Apparently, he was just another bored fancy man who happened to love making people drop dead and drunk with his over the top mixes. His dark deep set brown eyes are quite of a crowd favourite too. Case in point, the group of ladies seated from across you and Mathew.

“Hey.” you absentmindedly call on Mat who had just sipped on his drink. “I know what we should do.”

“All right.” he puts the glass down, “Lay it on me.”

“Let’s fix you up with one of the girls over there.” you suggest, leaning towards his body so you could get a better view upfront. Mat does not move and instead follows your finger subtly pointing at the other end of the room.

“What’s with the sudden fixation of getting me bagged tonight, huh?” he smirks, shaking his head at the idea of having to go home with some random girl. You give him a side eye as you move away from him.

“Fixation is an overstatement. We’ll be here long enough for us to get sick of each other.” you explicitly told him.

Mat eyes you intently. Searching if there was even the slightest doubt in your eyes.

Long enough to get sick of each other.

He clears his throat instead and looks across the room. “Which one?”

A gleeful cheer erupts from you just before you look over the girls in question. “What’s your type?” you ask him, not sparing a glance.

Mat looks down on you underneath the bar lights accentuating your features. Your eyes had a certain glint in them that Mat still can’t get a grasp on. Something that was just enough to spark something inside him. He didn’t want to overthink it nonetheless. It must have been just the lights.

Once Mat sensed that you were about to look at him he immediately turned his gaze forward, squinting his eyes a little pretending to check out the women you’ve been eyeing for the last minute.

“I don’t really have a type.” he shrugs, casually taking the fragile glass to his mouth.

You dismiss what he said at once, “Do I look like a child to you? Just answer it.”

Mat shakes his head, “I told you. I don’t have one. If we vibe then we vibe. Simple as that.”

You did not believe him but you decide to drop it off. Instead, you look back and return to your new found mission. Across the bar, seated were three girls busy talking to each other.

“Got it.” you tell Mat, nodding your head towards the clueless girl sitting right across from where Mathew was. “The one in the center.” you add. “The one wearing a white bodycon.”

“She’s pretty.” he nods, validating your taste as his potential wingman. “Nice smile.”

Your hand met a firm slap on the table as you went on cheering for him. “Well? Go then!” you give him a nudge, taking it back quickly when you feel a slight hesitation on his part, “Don’t tell me you need me to introduce you?”

He takes the remainder of his glass and shaked off the kick it had in his throat. “You just sit and watch, babe.”

You do as you’re told and lean towards the bar, your elbow carrying all your weight whilst you sip on your half-full martini.

Mathew’s stance and the way he carries himself immediately caused the girls to notice him coming. Of course, you weren’t really surprised. You watch him approach her,– reading along the words leaving his mouth. There was an exchange of proper ‘hello’s’ as Mat introduced himself to the girls. He reaches out his hand and the curly noirette in the center gives him a firm shake.

Mat’s eyes momentarily locked with yours just as you see their hands linger in the air— tangled long enough for him to make a quick segway. He winks your way as he sees you grin from your seat, shaking your head just after you felt the need to take a deep breath. A thing you assumed to be because of the drink. So, while Mat leads the girl to one of the empty booths and sits across from her, you call on River and ask for another drink.

Mathew must have lost track of time by the second drink he shared with Zoe. He learns that she’s from upstate and was just on the island to visit her friends. She’s still working on her major at NYU; coincidentally in the same field as Lianna so that was one of the things they’ve talked about first hand. She wasn’t really into sports so Mat steered clear of his job because he didn’t want to bore her.

“So…” Zoe smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear. “What’s the deal with you and the girl you’re with?”

By the time she asked about you, only then did Mat remember who he was originally with.

“Oh! She’s—” he looks over to where you’re seated only to find you laughing— no giggling with a man that was obviously a few years older than you. He’s wearing a neat black suit and a button down shirt with a couple of its first buttons opened. Zoe sees him frown, evidently losing his train of thought.

She calls him with her sweet voice, “Mat?”

“Yeah?” he absentmindedly answers, not wanting to take his eyes off of your hand that was now gently pushing the man’s arm whilst the two of you continue to burst into laughter.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

What’s so funny?

Finally, Mat hears Zoe’s distant voice that eventually took him back to his seat.

“Oh. Y-Yeah.” he apologetically smiles. “Sorry. What were you saying again?”

She hesitates to ask about you after taking a quick glance your way upon seeing the way Mathew looked at you. Nevertheless, she decides to go for it.

“Aren’t you two together? I don’t want to come off strong here or anything. It’s just that I don’t want to get in between something if there ever is.”

Mat looks at you one more time and as if you’ve felt his eyes all along you turn your way and meet his gaze. You shoot him a quiet smile, eyeing the guy sitting beside you, mouthing what he assumes to be an exaggerated “So hot!” on your end. He reciprocates your smile and gives you an approving nod.

Once you looked away, that’s the only time Mat finally answered the woman waiting patiently for his attention.

“What?” Mat shakes his head wildly, blowing out air off his lips defensively. “No no no. We’re just friends. She’s my roommate actually.” he shrugs you off his mind and instead tries to put his entire focus on her.

The remaining hours were spent with you and Mat getting along with your respective potential hook-ups. Not that it wasn’t the endgame either of you were hoping for at the back of your minds.

He’s got to admit that Zoe was the kind of girl he’d be interested in. Another fact he’s kept a mental tab not to mention to you because he knows you’ll just get cocky.

She was sweet and obviously eloquent. He knows she’s way smarter than he’ll ever be. But out of all those qualities, she was just as passionate at her craft as someone he likes to think he knows well enough. And that alone made a small smile creep on his lips.

Nonetheless, despite all the aforementioned, Mathew found himself a bit more reserved than he usually is whenever he gets to meet and talk to his potential ‘lady friends’ as how you’ve put it countless times. He just wasn’t his exact self. And he was beginning to question it.

There were no fancy hockey plays thrown subtly into the conversation. Neither mentions of golfing nor over the top league events. No butchered french pet names swiftly tucked in his sentences. And no endless questions that would eventually lead to something along the lines of ‘Do you want to get out of here?’

Well, not until Zoe’s friends got up their seats and she told him herself.

“Hey. The girls and I are meeting up with some friends in Brooklyn. D’ya wanna come?”

Mat’s eyes trail down to her hand now gently caressing his. He raises both his brows thinking of a possible ‘out’ because he wasn’t sure if it was a smart thing to leave you alone with a stranger.

He hums, “Sure.”

Zoe shows him a delighted smile before eventually sliding out of the booth to walk towards the bar she and her friends were formally seated.

“I gotta use the restroom first. Please excuse me.” she gives him a nod before going back to chatting with her friends.

You, on the other hand, see Mat leave the table aiming for an archway you presume to be where the loo was.

“Hey,” you call the man whose name you’ve already forgotten. Your pause was long enough for him to acknowledge the chances that you actually did forget who he was. Obviously.

“Chris.” The man in his early 30s answers with a submitting grin.

You shyly laugh, squeezing his forearm as you try to apologize for forgetting.

“Would you mind if I use the restroom?” you politely ask.

“No, not at all.” he replies and immediately stands to help you get on your feet. Gentleman.

Once you are in front of the men’s room, you anxiously wait for your wingman. You hug your purse close to your chest. Not a whole minute after, the door finally opens and you meet Mat’s irises with quite a gleeful look.

A look he wasn’t a fan of for he knew what’s about to come next.

“Are you taking off?” you eagerly ask, almost hopping on your feet.

Mat eyes you from head to toe, looking for signs that would stink from a drunk y/n. When he sees none, that’s when he decides to say that he was.

“Mkay good. I’ll be on my way too. Chris is taking me to New Jersey.” you tell him, briefly looking through the archway to see if there were people listening.

Once you know you’re clear, you lean towards Mat, your lips dangerously close to the sensitive skin of his ear. Mat feels your heated breath sending a familiar tingle up his spine. “I’ll get to ride a yacht tonight.” you bite your lower lip and giddily smile as if you were a cheeky 16 year-old usually depicted in a coming of age movie.

“Who’s Chris?” Mat, in spite of taking rounds observing you all night, finds the need to ask. “And why are you coming with him to NJ?” he further questions.

“Uh– okay, dad.” you step back for a second. You let out a scoff, checking if he was being serious about it. “I thought we’re supposed to go get laid tonight? Weren’t you about to take off with that girl yourself?”

Mat averts your gaze and starts to scratch the corner of his brow. “Well yeah. It’s just that— he looks sketchy.” he pauses, “plus… isn’t he a little too old for you?”

You roll your eyes as you’ve already expected to hear the words from him.

“He’s 31. He’s not that old.” you say rather defensively so you turn the ball back on his court. “And what if he was? Didn’t you ask one of the moms out??”

Mat’s eyes widens and you try to bite back a laugh. He whispers with a biting tone, trying to save himself. “She didn’t look like one! I’m gonna kill Beau I swear to god.”

“Come on Barz. Don’t be such a killjoy. Text me if you need anything, okay? Wrap things up while you’re at it.” you say at once. Mat doesn’t get the chance to talk you out of such a stupid idea because before he even could, you’ve already planted a kiss on his cheek and started walking away.

Mat waited for the sound of the heavy doors of the bar, signaling that you and your friend have gone, before stepping back to where Zoe was. She waves him near the coat closet.

“Hi.” Mat greets her friends before eventually turning his attention on the unsuspecting lass. She meets her with a smile (just like what she’s been doing all night). The same smile, however, drops the second Mat opens his mouth. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Zoe nods and willfully abides, letting Mat take her gently by the arm.

“What’s up?” she innocently asks.

“Something came up.” he says a little too fast than what he’d originally intended. He was going to let her down either way might as well get it over with and rip up the asshole band-aid.

“Oh.” she says in a tone Mat knew that she completely understood.

“No worries.” she looks at him with a knowing look in her eyes. “I’ll see you around then.”

He gives her a kind smile and nods. “Take care.”

Mathew walks towards the bar, catching River’s teasing grin whilst he cleans up after the bottles left on the center of the counter.

“What?” Mat reacts defensively, taking a seat in front of the lone bartender. River faintly shakes his head to leave just enough curiosity in Mathew’s mind.

“You’re such a tool, old man.” the kid says aiming for the cold beer River has put away for himself. River did not mind because he’s grown fond of the star player for the past years he’s spent going on late night drinks at his bar. Years that even justifies a proper amount of time for him to know the in’s and out’s of one Mathew Barzal.

“I haven’t said a thing.” he shrugs amidst the already wide grin on his face.

There’s wisdom in his eyes that Mathew has always admired. He wasn’t the guy who’d want to talk about what’s going on inside his head but with how River’s pub seems to be just the right place, he eventually concedes and takes a shot to pick on the old man’s brain.

“Come on, spill it out. I know you’re going to anyway.” Mat gives in, running his thumb on the moist label of the bottle.

River wipes his hands before resting it atop the counter. “Well, it’s just that– I ain’t used to seeing you turn down ladies like that too often. And you’re definitely not one to stick around watching me clean up.”

Mat stays silent for a moment, as if to gather the exact reason as to why he chose to stay. He still has a long way to go before figuring that one out. He wasn’t exactly as sharp as he was on the ice.

“I don’t know, man.” he chuckles tirelessly, “I guess I wasn’t in the mood. That’s all.”

“You?” River shots a brow and dismisses him, shaking his head. When Mat doesn’t answer, he carefully picks on his choice of words and lays it down carefully for him. After all, Mathew should have known that River was old enough to not know what’s going on.

“Though I gotta be honest with you, hijo. Never imagined you’d bring someone here.” he starts.

What must have been a shot in the dark for the old man was just enough to tear Mathew’s eyes away from staring at the water beads on the bottle.

“What?”

“The girl, Barz.” he says, banging on the head of the bottle to knock the cap off. “She a friend?”

“What? Y/N?” Mat quirks his brows trailing off where River was exactly headed, “What about her?— Oh, her? Yeah, no. She’s just a friend.”

“She pretty.” he speaks in a sound accent, not wanting to let Mat know he’s growing to like catching the young lad off guard. Mathew nods casually despite the continuous blabbering. “She’s y/n. But yeah— I guess, she is pretty.”

“Then what are you doing being just friends with a pretty girl?” River inquires, taking a sip of his beer. When he sees him trying to register what he’d just said he then adds, “Why not be with her? Date her?”

“Psh. What? Date y/n? That’s crazy.” Mat shakes his head furiously, “You’re crazy.”

“What’s so crazy about that?” River takes offense, laughing at the child’s naivete.

“I can’t date her. I mean— I won’t date her.” he takes the bottle to his mouth, taking a large gulp before continuing, “We’re in this weird relationship thing. A setup, actually, and it’s— it’s crazier than dating her. I swear, you of all people won’t get it.”

“What makes you think I can’t?” he smirks, “I’ve had my fair share of crazy.” River points out despite the hesitation in Mat’s eyes. “I got all night, kid.” he adds, letting him have the floor to himself.

“You really want in on this?” he second guesses, not wanting to bore the man with his personal life.

River leans against the brass counter just below the lit rack of vintage scotch displayed on the bar. He then gestures him to give a piece of his mind and Mat finally submits to his offer.

“We’ve been in a few… prior engagements,” he starts trying to find the appropriate word. “Well, sort of.”

River hums, not necessarily getting on the same page as him so he decides to be upfront about it.

“We’ve… slept together.” he confesses.

“So you used to date her?” the old man asks.

“No.” he answers, “I told you we’re just friends.”

With furrowed brows, River takes a minute. And once Mat hears an all too familiar “Oh.” he sees him break a chuckle, shaking his head at the thought of what Mat had just told him. “You kids have way too much fun these days.”

Mathew shrugs, “Hey, I warned you. Told you you wouldn’t get it.”

“Okay, make me understand something here. You two sleep together, fool around, do all that shit.” he says, “and you swear you’re not in a relationship?”

“Nope.” Mat answers with pride, popping out the word with a hard ‘p’.

“Huh.” River clicks his tongue, “How long have you two been… engaged?”

He rolls his eyes when River uses his word, “About two months.” he answers shortly.

“Is she seeing anyone since you two started this thing? You know, casual dates, the ones I presume she’s been getting before you got her into this mess?” he asks him in a tone that only fathers would ever dare to use.

Mat thinks for a moment, trying to recall the last time he’s seen a guy pick you up for dinner besides the old man you’ve successfully bagged for the night. He firmly shakes his head no and simply says, “At least not in my recollection.”

River willfully nods, walking Mat right into the trap. “Well have you been seeing anyone lately?” he asks again, this time slipping a hint of assertion. He hears a crystal clear ‘no’ from the forward and that’s when he broke a goading grin.

“And you’re telling me you two aren’t together?” he asks yet again, getting on Mat's nerves as he continues to flood him with biting queries, building up the final point he was about to break on Mathew.

“Rivs, for the hundredth time, no. We are not.” he clarifies.

Mat watches River pour himself a glass of scotch, still wearing a smug grin. “Imma give you a piece of advice, yeah?” he smiles rather teasingly and doesn’t wait for Mat to rebut, “I’m a happily married man so I don’t know a single squat about dating nowadays, but if you’re telling me that you kids aren’t sleeping with anyone else but yourselves? Looks like a damn relationship to me.”

With his brows all quirked in confusion (and denial in the very least), Mathew gathers all his might just so he could refute whatever madness River was trying to inflict on him and screw him up in the head. But before he could even open his mouth, the sound of the heavy doors was all it took to tear up both River’s and Mat’s attention.

“Hi.” you say the moment you were welcomed by unsuspecting men talking by the bar. River acknowledges you by raising his drink, his gaze landing on Mat the moment yours did.

“Hi.” Mathew mirrors you in an attempt to drown his already racing heart. A smile impending to break loose at any moment but he manages to suppress it. Instead of dealing with his adrenaline, he gestures for you to take a seat beside him.

“Where’s the sugar daddy?” he laughs the moment you drag yourself from across the room, mocking every word he said.

“His wife called when I got into his car.” you cringe.

“Oof. Lovely.” Mat makes the distinct expression on his face just before the two of you share a laugh.

“He’s not very smooth with adultery. He needs more practice.” you casually state sarcastically, clicking your tongue.

As you find the narrative funny, you take a sip on Mathew’s beer. “How are you not drunk? You’ve been drinking way too much the entire night.”

“Well. I’ve got some things to think about—” he cuts himself off upon seeing your mouth ajar, “And no, you’re not allowed to ask because none of it concerns you.”

“I wasn’t going to.” you dismiss him, excusing yourself to River which he gladly took as his cue to leave.

When he disappeared into the kitchen, you turned your gaze on your friend wearing another one of your mischievous grins, “Hey, wanna get pancakes?”

“Y/N, it’s almost 3 AM.” Mat sighs, the tiring night starting to creep up to him.

“So?” you question, swatting his hand away when you catch him checking on his watch.

“Come on. Stop drinking that.” you insist and take the bottle from his hand before putting it over to the side.

The two of you said your goodbyes to the lone bartender who was just starting to clean up again. River gives the two of you a nod of acknowledgement before landing a knowing look on Mathew. One that he’s thankful enough not to be discerned by you.

As you walk alongside Mathew, he unconsciously places a hand on the small of your back— feeling it graze on the fabric of your coat as if to guide you towards the door in an almost romantic type of way. Perhaps, a way someone would behave if they were actually in a relationship.

Mat notices your body tense but he doesn’t move an inch. Instead, his hand travels to the curve of your waist just as he leads you through the brass doors.

Once you’re out on the streets, he lets go.

𖥸

After almost half an hour of fighting over which diner is better to eat and get sober at, you and Mat decide to just try the new diner three blocks from your apartment. Being that it was an ungodly hour, the diner was good as closed when you got in. There were a few people inside and besides the student studying alone in the corner booth, the people lounging in the vacant seats were mostly just staff. Too bad they had to work the grave shift.

Mathew, who was rather preoccupied digging in his breakfast platter, gets interrupted when you call his attention.

“So tell me,” you ask as you take a forkful of syrupy pancake into your mouth. Finally satisfying your cravings. You put the food modestly in the insides of your cheeks when you ask him a question, “What are you like on dates?”

Mat disgustingly looks at you. You easily get what such a look meant and you immediately roll your eyes. You let your hand fall in mid-air amidst still holding a fork in it to prove a point. “I’m not trying to ask you out, dumbass. Don’t be so delusional.”

He puts his silverware down and wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Why the sudden interest?”

“Just curious.” you simply say.

He hums, thinking about how he pulls off a first date. He then clears his throat as he takes you down that road. “First, I’m not bringing her to a 24/7 Diner.” you nearly gag. “She deserves a formal one just in case there won’t be a second date.” he explains.

You sit there, nodding your head every now and then as he further goes on the details of how he’s like on a date. “Of course, I’d put my best foot forward all the time. Talk about her stuff more than mine and make sure she has a good time.”

“Have you ever had a bad first date?” you curiously ask. To which he only answers with a stubborn look on his face, the one only Mat Barzal could pull off. “What? me? I don’t do bad first dates.”

“Oh, fuck off.” you flick his forehead as you laugh. The sound of his laughter echoing in your ears, drowning all the existing noise inside the lone diner.

But as the laughter dies down, Mat catches your eyes as soon as it falls on his. And just like that, there it was again, the exact same glint it had back in the bar. This time, illuminated by the pink shaded light lining up the wall accents of the diner.

When he realizes that he’s been staring for too long, he settles on turning the tables on you.

“How about you?” he props in his seat, “What are you like on dates?”

“You know, apart from the fact that you’re obviously into old men.” he snickers and you throw a curly fry on his forehead.

“Excuse me, I don’t.” you say sticking up for yourself.

Mat takes the curly fry that has fallen on his plate and proceeds to eat it. “Sure you do.”

You roll your eyes, finding it hard to suppress the fact that you might actually do. “There’s a reason why women like old men, chico.”

He leans back and answers with a level headed and quite teasing reply, “And why’s that?”

“Because they’re men.” you look at him with a jerky grin as you continue, “And men, especially of River’s kind, definitely knows how to eat his french fry.”

Mat’s mouth falls wide in disbelief, appalled that you’ve actually found a way to pick up a stone and throw it straight to his face just to rub more salt on the fact that you had to teach a 23-year-old grown man how to eat cunt.

“You’re an ass.” he says, rolling his eyes. You let out a laugh and shake your head. You were proud of yourself, sure; but showing just that is far too much for a boy’s already hurting ego. Who would have known humbling this man was such a task.

“I’m playing! You know how to now.” you tell him, “Thanks to me, of course.”

He scoffs and takes a bite off his pancakes, “Cocky.”

“But you still haven’t answered my question.” he reminds you whilst he wipes off his lips with a napkin.

“There’s not much to tell. You know I’m not high maintenance.” you tell him, ignoring the fact that you haven’t been on an actual date for so long you’re almost sure you’ve forgotten how to be in one.

“I know it’s cheesy and corny but I do think it’s still in the littlest things, you know?” you sigh. Trying to remember the last relationship (date even) you had wherein those little things, the ones that are merely the bare minimum, were actually given to you.

“You know, it’s not much, really. Maybe just a good talk without having to watch him watch me talk all night when he’s really thinking about how I’d look naked, you know what I mean?” you laugh it off, “I know, it’s stupid.”

The arrogant man sitting before you was silent for once, profusely wanting to wash the pool of melancholy he sees in your eyes. There must have been a shit ton of guys who overlooked how great of a woman you actually are just because they couldn’t stop thinking with the head in between their legs even just for a second.

Mathew knows. And he hates that he’s been ‘that’ guy at some point. Probably until now considering him thinking with his balls on was the very thing that got the two of you here in the first place.

You take a deep breath, smiling. “Anyway, that’s better than almost getting with a married man. Right?”

“Right.” Mat laughs, his gray eyes bright under all the lights as he plays with his silverware,— devoid of how much he looked like as if he was utterly and undeniably in awe of not just the energy of the woman sitting in front of him alone nor the fact that she was by far the most unbelievable woman he’s known, but most importantly, he’s yet to realize how much in deep he’s beginning to be for the woman she actually were.

Just as she is.

𖥸

You left the diner a good hour before the sunrise and what must have been a quick five minute drive if you had only taken a cab, became a twenty minute foot race between you and Mathew.

You knew that walking was a bad idea but somehow, Mat’s charm and persuasive antics had a better hold than you thought you had on your very capable cognition.

As you drag your feet into the confines of the elevator in your complex, you hear Mathew chuckling behind you with a firm hand securely placed on your waist supporting your balance.

“You know— and not just ‘cause I’m an athlete, can I just say that you’re in a very bad shape?” he says almost a whisper in your ear, his voice low and deep.

You roll your eyes, leaning on the steel cold mirror once he pulls away, “You do it in heels then tell me who’s in a bad shape.”

“Fair point.” he chuckles yet again, shying away. He presses the number for your floor before resting across from you. As Mat watches you catch your breath, he jokes in the hopes of breaking the ice between the two of you.

“So…” he clicks his tongue, playful eyes looking at you, “Wanna tap?”

Disgusted to your very core, you let out a scoff just as you shake your head. “You’re fucking sick.” you laugh upon meeting his dumb grinning face. Seconds into laughter, Mat’s silence kills off the humor. The two of you exchange glances, the smiles on your faces receding into quietude.

Mathew didn’t want to end the night letting you in the apartment not knowing what he’s been feeling the moment you’ve let him drag you out for an impromptu night out. And stupid as it was, the only thing he could think of was to slide his foot across the enclosed space embracing the two of you, nudging on your boot. You on the one hand were rather puzzled as to what caused such language. You send him a mental query by arching a brow. He lets his head fall back on the cold metal surrounding the elevator finally deciding to speak his truth.

“I’m glad we get to hang out now. You know, just like friends do.” he genuinely says.

“Me too.” you say, smiling. “I really had fun tonight. Thank you.”

As you meet his eyes, you see a glimmer of softness in his gaze.

“Good thing I got bored, eh?” he says with a smirk.

“Good thing I came back for you.” you reply.

A quiet smile parts from his lips.

“Yeah. I’m glad you did.”

It was a few seconds when you and Barzy parted from your respective walls to meet the sliding doors as it opened on your designated floor. You were pulling him closer by the tie of his coat whilst his hand was instinctively placed on your hips letting him press his body on you. Your faces were inches from each other’s, evident of not wanting to prolong the totally unplanned foreplay that’s about to go down in a communal lift.

But just like every film you’ve watched your whole life, the inevitable cliché befalls the two of you when the next words that filled the enclosed walls you’re currently caged in came from the man who has yet to miss a morning jog.

“What the hell is going on here?”

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