#in my case i lose my mind 180 on my cycle

[maple-seas]

if you ever see me having an episode i'm so sorry and it's more than likely PMDD . i will be fine 😔🫡

#capnsart #pmdd #menstrual problems #my best friend and boyfriend were both like #so i didn't wanna suggest a menstrual cycle due to the rude nature of that #and i was like man. i promise i don't think it's rude because #in my case i lose my mind 180 on my cycle #but i'm gonna look into treatment soon because HOGH it got so much worse this year

[whitleyschn33]

RWBY Volume 8 Episode One: Quick Thoughts

Or not so quick, seeing how long it took me to write this and how much I ended up having to say. Spoilers (duh) under the cut, as this thing got insanely long.

So we open with a maid scrubbing a floor, a shot that lasted long enough I was starting to wonder where it was going before we cut to Cinder. So, Cinder backstory - interesting way to open the volume, but I’m not sure if it’s a good way. At the very least, I would have cut it a couple seconds, or have it flash between Cinder’s face and the flashback. Same information, but given in a quicker manner that lets us know exactly what we’re seeing instead of wonder who this random maid is for 10 seconds.

Whale aircraft carrier. The design is interesting, if looking a bit too clean for my taste. I would’ve liked to see the bones and muscles of the Grimm incorporated into the design a bit more, the surfaces less smooth and more textured, but it looks good.

Facial acting on Neo is good - I appreciate being able to see what’s running through her head, even if it also makes me wonder why Salem isn’t picking up on the obvious tells.

Emerald and Mercury are back and with new outfits; I can hear the diehard EmMerc fans screaming from here. Would’ve liked a better look at the whole outfits (I don’t think there’s even one close up of their entire bodies), but I like Mercury’s! Emerald’s model feels off to me for some reason, like it’s wider or more padded (?) than before, but it’s not a big deal and is probably just a result of her wearing a jacket now.

Oh, yeah, Hazel got one too, don’t care.

Why does the whale have a screen? A connection to one of those seer orb Grimm?

Cinder is still not interesting to me, but I am curious - can one woman hold multiple maiden powers? What happens if one woman holds them all? If they can hold multiple powers, what happens when they die? Do they both/all go to the same person, or would they split?

I like the Faunus that gives Oscar the soup. His design is pretty cute to me (I think he’s a mole Faunus?), and I feel like he’s based on something, but I’m not sure what. Getting a Narnia vibe for some reason, which I’m always on board for.

How did Ruby know where Oscar ended up? Did he call? 

Weiss’s braid looks much better! I’m still not a huge fan of it, but this model is an enormous improvement - it actually looks like hair instead of rope, it’s slicker, and doesn’t look as heavy. Nice job, animators. Blake’s looks better, too, more fluffy, but it’s not as drastic a change to me.

Nice to see the Happy Huntresses actually doing something to help Mantle, and having Joanna(? that’s her name, right?) take charge and be helping Ruby get Oscar back in exchange for their aid is nice. It feels realistic for a situation like this.

And more secret keeping, but in this case, dropping the Oz bombshell would actually probably be a bad idea. There’s enough going on, bringing up Oz being back can wait until tensions aren’t as high.

Why would Ironwood stop evacuation? That makes no sense for his character, and there’s no reason to stop them. Until he gets Penny back, Atlas isn’t going anywhere. Might as well keep evacuating until you can find here, get as many people to safety as possible before getting away. I’d assume the Doylist answer for this is that Mantle still needs to be a factor in any decisions made after this and it can’t be that if we can get everyone evacuated, but that doesn’t make the Watsonian explanation make more sense.

Actually a good plan, getting everyone into the crater if it is in fact warm (why, I wonder? Thermal vents? Heat coming off of Atlas?) solves the cold problem (that people should’ve probably already died from) and having to defend one smaller location is strategically a good option. Corralling people would also make any eventual evac to Atlas easier. There is the small problem of, you know, Atlas literally crushing anyone in the crater if the staff is used on anything else, and Salem is known to be after that Staff, sooooooo -

Okay, maybe a nitpick, but I thought Pierto’s specialty was prosthetics and robotics. Doesn’t seem like something that necessarily overlaps with what’s needed to convert Amity into a satellite. I guess maybe the engine/whatever is going to propel it into the air could be similar to Penny’s boosters/whatever lets her fly, but it doesn’t seem like something that he would be involved in raising Amity. Whatever - I know we need a scientist person to tell these things to RWBY+Co and Pierto is the most likely candidate to be in a position to do that.

It seems like, from Ruby’s dialogue, she both wants to warn the other kingdoms and ask for their help. This has been trampled to death, so I won’t rant, but - there is no one that’s going to be able to help. Argus is hours away, will take time to assemble, and isn’t a very large force to begin with. Mistral is still weakened from V5 and has next to no huntsman, and is even farther than Argus. No idea what’s going on with Vale, but they’re probably still nursing their wounds from the Fall. Vacuo is the only kingdom likely to be able to muster up a force, but they’re on the other side of the map and will take hours, if not days, to get together an army - and that’s if they decide they want to help at all. The other objective was warning the Kingdoms about Salem. Ignoring that Salem is immortal and can just throw as many Grimm as she pleases until the defenses fall, ignoring that the other Kingdoms might not even believe Ruby, what’s to say they won’t go “F*ck Atlas, they’re on their own” and recall every available Huntsman and Huntress to shore up their own defenses? Or what if the other kingdoms just fall into anarchy? Learning an immortal witch with an endless supply of Grimm will come knocking on your doorstep soon tends to cause chaos. Or is Ruby going to leave the whole immortal part out again? I just can’t see what this will accomplish.

Holy shit, it’s actually happening. Dissent from WBY, and it’s coming from Yang of all people - I love it. I wish Yang had gotten to finish her sentence, say something along the lines of “Maybe if we’d told the truth immediately things wouldn’t have gone this way” since that would fit with her “hate secrets” thing she had going on in V5/6, but the fact that Yang is actually questioning Ruby’s leadership and choices - yes yes yes, more of that please, less of the hive mind. I wish it’d come a little earlier, but at this point I’ll take what I can get.

I’m slightly confused at the sides that Ren and Nora are taking here. I like that we’re splitting them up here (we never get to see them separated, and after last volume, I am more than on board with letting Ren get some breathing room), but Ren going with Yang, Jaune, and Oscar to help evacuate Mantle while Nora goes on the “bigger picture” team to get Amity up and running seems weird considering where they were last volume. Nora was always screaming about how the big picture stuff was hurting Mantle, while Ren was pushing to keep training, keep working, support Ironwood and try and work at the big picture problem, so it would seem like they should be on opposite sides. I’m not saying it makes no sense - I can absolutely see Ren feeling protective of towns under attack from Grimm with no Huntsmen in their corner - but it feels like a bit of a 180 from their last positions. 

Did Oscar just call Jaune “John”?

Yeah, if nothing else, don’t let Penny get anywhere near Salem or her cronies. Salem can absolutely not be allowed to get her hands on the Staff, especially with the whole “get everyone to the crater” plan. Squish.

Yang and Blake splitting up, maybe we can actually get some conversations on what the hell is up with them that we should have gotten in V6/V7 instead of petty showing off and Nora projecting.

“But what about Mantle?” “Oh, I’m helping Mantle.” with the same thing you spent all last volume complaining about. Uh-huh, that’s not annoying.

Weiss has an idea on how to get up to Atlas - Winter’s ship, maybe? That one she came in on in V3 was her personal ship, wasn’t it?

Ironwood calls Penny. From the music, it sounds like they were aiming for foreboding and manipulative, but Ironwood just sounds tired, the poor man. Love how Ruby doesn’t even try for a comeback for Ironwood’s argument, really convincing.

Dead Clover, and I hope that he stays that way, because if he’s brought back to life, so much of V6′s themes of life and death and the natural cycle is just going to be spit on (again). Clover is dead, and there should be no way around that save interference from a literal god. Any attempt at bringing him back needs some kind of drawback - some prevision of life, a body that moves but his soul isn’t there, something, please RT, don’t double back on your “Death is permanent” thing again.

And Ironwood did lose his arm completely. It’s an awesome looking prosthetic, but the fact that it’s black when the rest of his prosthetics are silver, combined with the comments made by the CRWBY about Ironwood’s humanity, make me very afraid they’re going to go for some sort of bullshit parallel to Cinder’s black Grimm arm. I do like the orchestral version of Hero playing here, though.

I like Winter’s new hair style - similar enough to her previous one, but looser. Not exactly happy about what that might symbolize, but it looks really good. It looks like she might have nerve damage, though, which would mean she might be off the battlefield until she can get her hands (hah) on some sort of brace to help her move her hands (which might be hinted at in the OP~)

I do really like Ironwood and Winter’s relationship, please don’t f*ck it up, CRWBY.

Is the only thing CRWBY knows how to do to make Ironwood seem like the bad guy shoot people for no goddamn reason? Ironwood was surrounded by loyal soldiers after declaring martial law, there was no reason for him to not just order Slate detained (that one was Slate, right? Not that it matters). The man’s annoying and probably in cahoots with Jacques, but shooting him is out of character, excessive, and makes no sense when he could just be arrested. “It shows he’s slipping -” No. It’s lazy writing meant for shock value and to give characters a reason to go “Oh, he’s going evil now, I better question my loyalty to him” (based on the look Winter and Harriet share) rather than any actual flaw in his plans maybe because CRBY realized that Ironwood’s plans are rational and the best one on the table right now, so they can’t use that to turn people against him. F*ck that.

Salem sends a bloodhound or whatever after Oscar, we already saw this bit in the trailers. No comment.

TLDR: Once again, RWBY sets up a lot of stuff that I find interesting and want to see more of. However, their treatment of Ironwood doesn’t make me optimistic for them to treat him right, and RWBY has a track record of setting up good concepts/plots/characters/arcs and then failing to execute them well or at all. We’ll have to see if V8 actually lives up to the promise or falls flat due to the issues that plagued V6 and V7 .

Going to make a whole new list for the OP because dear Lord, this thing is dense.

This song is definitely more in line with RWBY’s usual sound than Trust Love, and I’m all for that. The beat is a little hinky to me - it’s going to take a few re-listens to get used to it - and once again I wish the lyrics were clearer, but I know people that weren’t as happy with V7′s sound will be happy with this return to form.

Establishing shots of Mantle going to hell, nice use of red and contrast, but I wish there was a bit more use of shadow to really sell the red coming from fires and emergency lights.

Ruby standing alone, turning to find the others standing at the ready to fight, but away from her and with their backs turned. Any chance of more dissent? Will we actually get some growth from Ruby, in regards to her leadership in particular? We can only hope.

The four girls, on a blackish/blue background with floating warm lights, with images of their V1 selves in their clothes/hair/weapons. I really love the animation in the portion, the girls look so good. It also makes me wish we’d get some sort of flashback to V1-3, because I want more of their Beacon designs in the new animation style. The fact that this background/setting shows up again later in the trailer makes me wonder if it might be what the interior of the Atlas vault looks like. No basis for that, just a random thought. Couple minor nitpicks, focused on Yang. The fact that she’s the only one not in a more dynamic pose (and this is Yang of all people) seems odd, and the way her hair flows looks weird to me based on the angles and whatnot. Putting her in a different pose like a charge would fix this, letting her hair flow more naturally and giving them the space they need to to add in her past self. Otherwise, gorgeous. 

Ironwood with Atlas inside him, slowly being overtaken by the red as he looks up. No real comment other than beautiful.

Clover dropping his pin, with the AceOps and Qrow in the leaves, before transitioning to Qrow taking Robyn’s hand in prison. It looks like Harriet will be taking over as team leader. I don’t have a lot to say here - Marrow’s the only AceOp I’m interested in, and Qrow and Clover’s relationship has never been compelling for me. Robyn, similarly, is not a character I like, so a Qrow/Robyn team-up jailbreak isn’t something that I’m interested in unless Watts is involved. Already teamed up with one villain, Qrow, why stop there?

Oscar in pain holding his head, while Grimm eyes surround him and then Salem with wyvern wings comes out and looms over him preparing to grab him. I like the visual of Salem as the Wyvern at Beacon, but her face looks almost doofy in this shot. I think it’s the lack of expression mixed with the eyes. If she had a more menacing expression, I think this would work a lot better.

The falling weapons of the girls, Crescent Rose with Myrtenaster and Gambol Shroud with Ember Celica. Cue the shippers.

Jaune with his sword in front of his face, pulling it down to be at the ready, with Nora and Ren in the far background, their backs turned on each other but looking sad at their positions. I know Jaune’s thing is probably generic, but it gives me Mulan vibes, which is funny considering. Hey, hint that Martial Arcs will become canon now that Renora is on the rocks? fingers crossed More of Ren and Nora’s rough patch, and I really hope that that gets some focus. Their kiss last volume left a bad taste in my mouth with how it went down, and getting into these two as separate characters and their relationship. Ren not requiting Nora’s romantic feelings towards him would be a really interesting place to go with these characters that everyone’s pegged together since episode 4 (in no small part due to their lack of interaction with anyone else, but I’ll get to that). 

Winter and Weiss walking towards each other on the Schnee symbol, passing each other by with Winter getting her new hairstyle and a brace of some sort. She’s actually wearing this brace in the hospital, but on the other arm, while now it’s on the arm she couldn’t bend her fingers with. Interesting, and it looks all looks really good!

The Schnee snowflake falls between Whitley and Willow, before shattering onto a chessboard. YESSSS, Whitley’s in the intro again! That’s more than I could’ve hoped, and I really really hope that him looking contemplatively like that means something - that’s he’s figuring things out, coming up with a plan, something! Still no new design though T-T CRWBY, what do I have to do to get my boy some new clothes?

From the chessboard, Salem rises up, turning the other black pieces into Grimm to attack the white where Ironwood stands. His pieces turn to dust, the board blowing away entirely. Nice callback to V1. Ironwood stands alone - no allies, and no space to move forward. He’s a king with nowhere to move - check or checkmate. 

Smug Watts hacking while leaning against a mirror, rotates to show Pierto doing the same, his reflection looking over its shoulder at him, then a pan to Penny to show the same thing before the mirror breaks. I’m not sure what this might symbolize. Inability to trust yourself, maybe?

A snowflake flies through the air and lands in Ren’s palm. It turns into a flower petal, (or scraps his hand, I can’t quite tell) then Yang, Jaune, and Oscar join him, Ren smiling to Jaune. Another flower petal flies by to transition to Nora, who reaches out but can’t catch it, looking dismayed until RWBP comes in to join her. I assume the symbolism is straight-forward - the snowflake turns to a petal when caught by Ren (lotus guy), then flies to Nora who can’t catch it. Really living for the Ren focus in the op~

Pans to a shot of the whole group in the middle of everything - Atlas and Mantle overrun with Grimm on one side, Salem’s whale and Grimm army on the other, and Amity in the middle, which Penny flies up to hover below. Penny is going to be vital to launching Amity, and probably for reasons other than the terminal.

Then Ruby and Yang looking at each other with a smile and nod before the girls jump into fighting some Grimm. Interesting bit when the volume opens with the sisters starting to have disagreements.

The entire thing freezes, Cinder strolling cockily past the crew to walk in front of a bored/disgruntled Neo and Emerald who starts to wave but looks dejected when Cinder ignores her. Not much to say here - I don’t really like the freeze frame for some reason, no idea why. This also doesn’t give us any new info on the dynamics between these three characters.

Cinder grabs her Grimm arm in pain as fire flares up behind her, transitioning into Merc, Tyrian, Hazel, and Salem with the lamp in her eyes, transitioning to the lamp and staff twirling around each other, both emitting smoke like they’re being used as they come together. I wonder if this means that the last question and the Staff are going to be used, and maybe together? Once again, though - Atlas falling, people in the crater die.

Smoke clears up to reveal Ruby, looking up to Atlas first in invasion mode, then peaceful. Turn to a shot of the group standing looking to the left, Yang and Ruby looking like they’re posed but the others just kind of standing there. It’s a weird shot, and I’m not sure what to make of it, honestly.

The ice breaks beneath Ruby’s feet, sending RWBY falling into a void, their bodies trailing those lights that we saw before. Ruby opens her eyes to see the brightest light, the Staff. She reaches out to it, but Grimm paws and hands drag her down. V6 callback?

The word Happy? flashes only to be crossed out, a sketchy Grimm roaring, then the words Ever then Never as it’s crossed out, with a sketchy Penny lifting her head and her eyes then face going red, then the words After Again being crossed out. I’m not really of the words - I think it’s going for a Happily Ever After Happy? Never Again thing, but there’s no Happily that I can see, and it just kind of comes across as a bit emo to me. I like the sketches of the Grimm and Penny - I think it might be a Wyvern Grimm or something like that, and the red spreading from Penny’s eyes to her entire outline is interesting. I wonder if it’s connected to the Maiden powers and how she’ll use them.

Sketches of RWBY’s weapon fall into the snow, Crescent Rose falling with the tip stuck in the snow, then a flash and a pull out to Crescent Rose in the snow in full animation, framed by the broken moon as rose petals fly by with the “Created by Monty Oum” credit appears. I really like this as a reference to the Red trailer, and compared to the very cluttered ending shot of V7, this is a nice change of pace.

I like this OP. It’s definitely above V7′s for me, with a good song and some beautiful animation in it’s visuals. If I had to criticize it, I would say that it feels very long and cluttered. My breakdown of the opening feels as long as everything I mentioned in the actual episode. I realize one was going almost shot by shot, while the other summarized, but the point still stands that this things feels longer than it needs to be (I’d have to check time stamps to see if it is actually significantly longer).

A more promising start, all in all, than I’d hoped for. Things irritate me for sure, Ironwood’s treatment, Ruby’s plan, all that stuff, but I know I would have those bones to pick going in. The shake-up of the usual teams and the promise of inter-group conflict is enough to get me to want more, and I look forward to seeing how my favorite characters will be utilized. 

What are your thoughts on the episode? Reblog and comment down below, and we’ll start a convo.

Until next time~

#rwby #rwby8 #rwby volume 8 #rwby8 spoilers #rwby 8 spoilers #ruby rose #weiss schnee #blake belladonna #yang xioa long #episode breakdown

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You. Chapter 151

Chapter Summary - Danielle has a day that literally just keeps going bad to worse and it all culminates with Tom telling her something.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

Copyright for the photo is the owners, not mine. All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​ @wolfsmom1​ @black-ninja-blade

Tom poured the water into the kettle and turned around again. “And what dates are they?”

“The seventh of September,” Luke responded, looking at the diary in front of him. “Does that work for you?” Tom nodded. “And Danielle?” Tom winced and cursed. “No?”

“It's two days before her Ironman.” He thought for a moment. “Can I get back in time?”

“I guess?” Luke looked at the dates, making note of her sports events in case it became more relevant in the future. “Didn't you say she has a few more beforehand?”

“Yes, sort of warm-ups,” Tom explained. “I can't miss that one though.”

“You'll need to talk to her.” Luke acknowledged. “Speaking of her, where is she?”

“At Emma's. She is doing a few things for her today.”

“Such as?”

“Cleaning, laundry, cooking. Letting my sister get a shower unmolested by Lucy.”

“So she is okay with babies?”

“She was a medic.” Tom chuckled. “No, she loves children.”

“Children and small babies are different though.”

“Danielle is great with them, she's one of those people that can interact well with children.” He smiled. “She's the same with Ben and Sophie's boys.”

“So I take it if you ever have the sense to ask her and she has the lack of sense to say yes to marrying you, kids would someday be a subject up for discussion?”

Tom gave him a bemused glance knowing that Luke was teasing regarding if he would ask such a question. “If such ever comes to pass, then yes, children are indeed on the cards.”

“Tom Hiddleston, talking about settling down and having kids, did I ever think I would ever see the day” Luke goaded. “And with a no-nonsense woman like Elle. No actually, the only woman that would endure you is Danielle Hughes.”

“Good thing she's the only one I would want anyway.” Tom chuckled. As soon as he ceased speaking, he noticed the dogs looking curiously at the door. He turned and put on the kettle again and took out Danielle's favourite mug.

It was a minute or two before she came into the room, when she saw Luke and Tom, Danielle gave a tired smile. “Gentlemen.”

“Everything alright?” Tom asked worriedly.

“Just one of those days.” Was all she commented.

“How was your training?”

“There was an issue with the pool so it was closed and a spin class used all of the bikes, so that was something of a washout.” Danielle laughed. “That can happen though.” She shrugged.

“And Emma?”

“Emma had to go to the doctor because Lucy has gunk in her eye, so rather than help her with her home, we spent the afternoon in the doctors. And I got a call from work, there was an issue I need to look at that apparently was faxed through, but the fact you have not mentioned it to me would suggest that it hasn't.” She put down the items she had brought home with her. “So what is new here? Luke, how was Venice? I haven't seen you since before you left, you got some colour anyway.”

“Yes, some much-needed sun and wonderful Italian food, of course. It was good, thank you.”

Danielle smiled, pleased to hear he had a pleasant time. When she looked at Tom, she frowned. “What?”

“Are you okay?”

Danielle laughed at him. “Do you ever get that day that it just never stops going wrong, I mean it just is one thing piled on top of another? That is my day and I can get angry and upset and negative which seems to only ensure further negativity, or I can accept that it is what it is and continue on and make what I can of it all and I choose the latter. I assisted Emma, I helped her bring Lucy to the doctor, we also got some shopping and I will cook and clean hers tomorrow instead and if work is really having a shit fest, we have a department for that now so I don't fucking care and I am going to cook my dinner and not stress myself about it.” She explained.

“Good plan.” Luke commended.

“After tea though, I really need a cup right now.” Tom moved, revealing to her that her mug was ready by the steaming kettle. Danielle smiled at him but quickly noticed the manner in which he was not really looking back at her. Then she looked at Luke who also looked slightly awkward. “One moment.” She put a tea bag and hot water into the cup for her tea before turning around, folding her arms and leaning back against the countertop. “Right, what is it?” Both men said nothing. “Look, there is clearly something to be said and with the way today went, I know it will stay true to form and be something negative so just come out with it and tell me now.”

Tom looked at Luke for a moment who had an expression on his face that showed how greatly he felt his earlier comment regarding Danielle as Tom's partner was made apparent by her current actions. Tom decided to just be honest. “I have been asked to attend the Ralph Lauren fiftieth anniversary show in New York in September.”

Danielle processed his words for a moment. “What dates?”

“It's on the seventh.”

“Right.” She sighed.

“I am going to be home in time, I promise.”

“Tom, don't promise something like that, please.” She stated. “I know you will do everything to try to get home.”

“You're annoyed though?”

“See it from my point of view, Tom. Your big premiere and I miss it for a fashion show, how would that feel to you?” She pointed out. “I better check the fax machine, excuse me.”

Tom and Luke said nothing as she left.

“If you are not in Wales on the 9th of September, you may lose her.” Like declared. “If you need to get a private jet, you better be back.”

“Just keep that small block free,” Tom ordered, which caused Luke to nod.

*

Tom walked upstairs and listened to the sound of paper whirring through the fax machine. He walked to the office room and looked at Danielle. He swallowed as he looked at her.

Her hair was tied up and she wore an open cardigan and comfortable tracksuit pants. If the papers saw her, they would ridicule her immediately, but he liked seeing her like this, this was Elle, who only cared about getting work done and being comfy doing it, not Danielle, who worked tediously and had to uphold a certain professionalism. She was wearing her glasses and chewing on one of the small snack meals her dietitian had planned for her. When she looked up, she noticed him there and waited for him to speak.

“How much in the dog house am I?”

“At present, you're on a rehoming advert for Dog's Trust after being surrendered to them.” She stated, picking up the papers and putting them in a file.

Tom walked into the room. “I will be there, Elle, I promise.”

“I know that. You have thirty-six hours, even with delays I know you would make it. It doesn't make it any less of a slap in the face though, does it?” She pointed out.

Tom was going to argue that they had cut it close on a few events before but stopped himself and reminded himself that she was being honest and communicating with him and that her opinions and feelings on the matter were valid too. “No, it doesn't. I am sorry. I am going to cancel.”

“You can't, you have a contract with them and you did sign in that you would do a few of these. I don't blame you, you know, I blame whatever power in the universe that has caused this day to occur.”

“So you're not sending me to Dog's Trust?”

“Tempting, but no.”

“Is the idea of getting a new boyfriend that daunting?” He joked.

“Oh if this goes belly up, I am joining the fucking nuns or something, I genuinely couldn't go again, it's exhausting.” She laughed.

Tom chuckled, walked over and pulled her against him. “I'm sorry you had a bad day.”

“We all get them.”

“How is Lucy, I forgot to ask. Is her eye sore?”

“Probably just irritated more than anything but she seems to just be herself. She is good, she seems to have a strict routine. I never met a baby to stick so rigidly to a natural schedule. Two weeks she has been like it every day. It's not perfect or easy, but it's consistent so they can plan around it.” She smiled. The machine continued to whir next to her as more paper began to come through. “Dear Jesus, this will take half a forest.” She growled.

“What happened?”

“Some bollox to do with apparently falsified paperwork by one of the guys. I know his work, he's not someone to do that, I am getting a copy to see what happened, the internal affairs department is checking over it, but I want to see if there is something dodgy in my office, but I really doubt it.” She explained.

“You really are having an odd day.” Tom acknowledged. “What about your training, you didn't get much if it done?”

“I will have to check this then go for a cycle. Tomorrow is supposed to be an easy say so I am going for a five k then.” She looked at Tom who looked around at her. “Care to join me?”

“Would you mind?”

“Not at all.” She beamed. “We should get you cycling too.”

“I would look like the crazy frog.” Danielle erupted in laughter at the image. “I'm sorry, Elle.”

“Don’t, we can't help some of your work stuff, the same with mine. We will sometimes miss things. I mean, I have not seen Nacelle in six weeks because of conflicting work schedules.”

“When is she around again?”

“In a fortnight.”

“While you're in LA?”

“Yep.”

“That's a pain.”

“And most of the summer I am going to be by the sea and she will be home. But we talk most days so that's something.”

“Poor Becky.”

“They are used to it at this stage, they have always juggled it.” She smiled.

“Will that be us?”

“Not as drastically, I think, but we have those times too. I fear your next major movie. Up to three months or more without my handsome, kind and loving Tom.”

“Yours?”

“Mine.” She reiterated with a cheeky smile, leaning up and kissing him.

#i hate you i love you #chapter 151 #wolfpawn #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic

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More Fitness help>>Health & Fitness

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[cam-the-orange-cat]

A Master-Guide for Overcoming Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is the woe that befalls every writer at some point. To overcome writer’s block, however, you must identify the source of the blockage. This guide will go over common reasons writers find themselves stuck and will offer some simple suggestions that can help. Although suggestions are catered to each problem, don’t hesitate to mix-and-match possible solutions; everyone is different.

The Common Blocks We’ll be Overviewing:

Problem vs. Solution

Fear & Doubt

Perfectionism

Boredom

You Have No Ideas

You're Easily Distracted

Procrastination

Problem vs. Solution

You’ve crafted an incredible conflict, a far-reaching problem that your protagonist must solve. Then you realize: you must solve it. Or you’re making progress in your first or second draft when you discover a plot hole. It’s not something easy you can cover over with a rug, it’s something you wonder you didn’t see sooner and are now overwhelmed with how to fix it and still preserve your progress. You have “painted yourself into a corner” and now you have to paint yourself out.

How do you overcome this block? 

Take a shower.

Take a nap

Go for a walk.

Or  — as Margaret Atwood recommends  — iron some clothes. 

Repetitive, mindless activites seem to work best for stimulating the mind. Most writers can testify that taking a shower is a magnet for interesting ideas. The more mindless, the better. 

Exercise gets new chemicals flowing through your brain; showering stimulates new senses; ironing is a hands-on-activity with a bit of danger involved — these are palate cleansers for your mind.

Sometimes this sort of block requires doing additional research for your story. 

Maybe there’s something in mankind’s military history that can help you solve how your protagonist’s army is to cross the uncrossable river. Maybe there’s a modern-day cure that would work against the disease you made up, and it has humble origins your protagonist can discover. Maybe your protagonist will lose this battle, but go on to win the war in a way you hadn’t considered before.

Fear & Doubt

The blank page mocks you. And the mockery hits a little too close to home. You’re afraid of criticism, you’re afraid of not doing the story justice, you’re afraid you’re not actually a good writer at all  — you’re afraid you’re a fraud.

The sucky part is, some of that is true. First drafts do tend to suck. There will be people who don’t like what you write. But what is absolutely, definitively not true is that you’re a fraud.

You’re a writer. 

You are a writer.

Say the words aloud. Say them again. Say them louder. 

You are a writer.

Now, how do you overcome this block?

Free write

Write stream of consciuosness

Brainstorm ideas in bullet points

Work on a writing-prompt for five minutes

Try your hand at a whole new genre or category

Whatever you do, write. Practice makes perfect, and practice is also the best way to conquer Fear and Doubt. Refuse to give Fear and Doubt power and soon Fear and Doubt will stop pestering you. 

Interestingly, the antidote for Fear and Doubt are similar to the antidotes for Perfectionism, writing’s most infamous villain. The next subheading, however, will go over this particular monster in more detail.

Perfectionism

You’ve been crippled by your own standards. Your story just doesn’t make sense. Your characters don’t feel right. Your writing sounds atrocious.

At least, that’s what you keep telling yourself.

Perfectionism is a choice. We choose to criticize ourselves until we’re beaten to a bloody pulp and have no will left to go on. We run ourselves through the consequences of this headspace and, despite how painfully frustrating it is, we don’t let ourselves escape.

Fear and Doubt grow from perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others and being afraid of not measuring up to that standard. Whereas Perfectionism is not a fear of external criticism, but is a person imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect unto themself. This is why Perfectionism is a cycle that cannot be broken by friends and family reassurances that you are, in fact, a great writer. You, and you alone, are holding yourself back.

In order to break free from Perfectionsim, you must accept that your writing will never be perfect. Let go of the ideal of perfection. There is no such thing as the perfect story. Writers are imperfect people as is everyone else — even the holy god of fantasy Tolkien was human. And because we are imperfect, so too is our writing.

Acceptance is not begrudging. Acceptance is contentment with the present. 

So, how do you find contentment in imperfection?

Read bad books. Make fun of them, laugh at them — enjoy them. See how beloved these awfully written books are and embrace the idea that you don’t have to be perfect. You, as you are, are more than enough.

Write badly. Do it purposefully. Research overused cliches and tropes and then write them as awfully as you can. 

Then, share how bad it is. Laugh with your friends and family over it. 

Most of all: don’t compare yourself with others. Admiring and learning from other creators and their work is healthy. Comparing yourself with them is never healthy. 

Now that you’ve faced your fear of imperfection and realized how fun it can be, writing won’t seem so daunting. Free flowing creativity relies on realistic expectations.

Boredom

You are no longer excited about writing. You’ve been working on this story for too long. You’ve been dragging yourself through it. You don’t want to give up, but this is becoming a chore. Or you love this story dearly, however writing in general has become a chore. You’re just plain bored, but that’s something you don’t want to admit because losing your passion for writing feels like your first death.

First: it’s entirely possible you have moved on from writing. That is not a bad thing. Far from it, in fact! If you’re bored, your feelings are telling you this isn’t the right fit for you right now — so try new things! Maybe, after a while, you’ll get that zeal for the written word back. Maybe not.

Don’t become discouraged, though; your time as a writer is not invalidated just because you’re not writing currently. You were a lovely writer. You have written much. Don’t be hard on yourself, but give yourself a pat on the back. You have enjoyed a very turbulent and difficult hobby for likely many years! That is something to smile fondly upon.

If, however, the above sentiments don’t settle in your stomach very well:

What can help you overcome this unending boredom?

Hands-on activities are good at jumpstarting the creative battery:

Play — play a board game with friends, play an RPG video game, build a lego house, mold with Play-Dough.

Apply your creativity to a different outlet — follow a Bob Ross tutorial, cook a new recipe or decorate a cake, crochet a scarf.

Change is a good stimulus for your mind:

Change your environment. Try going to the park and writing. Go to the library. Go to a room on the other side of your house.

Change your medium. If you often write on your computer, try handwriting; pick out a nice notebook and use a smooth-flowing pen. If you often handwrite, try typing; explore different word processesors, like Microsoft Word or Google Docs.

Listen to music or a podcast as you write. Or: if you often listen to classical, try rock. If you often listen to a podcast about true crime, try a comedy channel. Or listen to absolute silence.

You Have No Ideas

This is the essence of the blank page fear. It’s not self-bout, it’s not perfectionism, it’s not a plot hole you’re trying to fill. You simply have nothing to write. You are uninspired.

How to overcome this blockage:

Read good books. You could even study literature: follow along with Shmoop as you read Solaris; Sparknotes as you read Hamlet; or Cliffnotes as you read The Life of Pi.

Research writing: there are many books, websites, blogs, and services that offer advice and tips on writing. Whether you can afford the hefty $180/year subscription to MasterClass, or you’d prefer borrowing a book from your local library, learning something new about your craft could get your brain back to storming.

As a writer, it is your first and primary responsibility to live your life. Creating your own experiences is the best thing you can do for your writing. You write what you know — so try new things!

Spend time with friends: chat over the phone, play Jack-Box over zoom, or (when circumstances safely allow) get coffee at an obscure coffee shop.

Play with your pet; brush your dog’s teeth, or try giving your cat a bath (it will at least be entertaining for those around watching you).

Pick up a new hobby: painting, drawing, cooking, sewing, running, biking, hiking, gardening, dancing, guitar or piano, darts, soap-making, scrapbooking; here’s a list you can browse through.

Introduce yourself to a stranger (not online) — make friends with the person ahead of you in the grocery store line. Characters come from someplace real, so meet more people!

You’re Easily Distracted

It feels like there’s a toddler in your head, and the little devil is hell-bent on driving you absolutely mad. What’s that song on the radio? Let me look up the lyrics and follow along with them for an hour on loop. What’s a synonym for epitome? What’s a synonym for essence? — Extract is a movie? Let’s watch it.  

I personally feel for writers who struggle with this block. We hear time and time again: just limit your distractions! Or try this new web-browser or add-on!

But I don’t have the money to spend on a weird looking typewriter or a monthly subscription for a browser add-on. And far from it will either of those options save me from the toddler in my own mind! The typewriter doesn’t stop me from feeling like eating some ice cream. The browser add-on doesn’t keep me from scrolling through Instagram on my phone.

I have Good News, though: We’re not a hopeless case.

And no, this isn’t a self-discipline issue. As someone who grew up with an impulse-monkey of their very own running rampant inside their head, I’m still an industrious and ethical worker. 

So what’s the secret to overcoming this block?

Self-compassion. 

Instead of shaming and punishing yourself for falling down the YouTube rabbit-hole, take into consideration the toddler when you first approach a task. 

If the toddler often gets sidetracked by music with lyrics, try listening to classical music. There will be no chance then of wanting to sing along with the lyrics, and the toddler will be satisfied while you get some work done.

If the toddler often gets peckish, prepare some healthy snacks (like fruit salad, yogurt with granola, pretzels and peanut butter) ahead of time, get a large thermos of cold water, and the toddler will munch away happily while you work on your magnum opus. 

Set up a dedicated space for writing:

Maybe you don’t have a spare room — or even a desk. But you do have a soft lap pillow and a comfy chair you can move to a quiet corner. Drag your writing supplies over and dedicate this as your safe space for writing. Only write here. Don’t eat breakfast here, don’t do homework here, don’t chat with friends here. 

This may seem straightforward, but teaching the toddler is another story. To start, then, use this dedicated space only for a few minutes at a time. Spend fifteen focused minutes on a project while you sit here, then take a break. Overtime, you’ll find you can focus for longer and longer intervals in your writing space.

Procrastination

The Final Boss. The End-All Villain. Procrastination often doesn’t appear on its own. It’s inspired by something. Maybe it’s something we’ve already covered in this guide. The first thing you must do, therefore, is identify the source of your procrastination. Which may vary from project to project.

Once you identify what it is that’s deterring you from action, remember that you hold the power to break through this cycle. So when you put a plan into action, stick to it.

What are some ways you can beat procrastination?

“I’m overwhelmed by this big project.”

Prepare short-term goals: Long-term goals just about beg to be procrastinated. They’re far away and easily forgetable. Short-term goals, however, offer an opportunity to check something off a list. And boy — is that satisfying to do!

Make a list of what you’d like to get done. Prepare achievable goals; SMART goals are goals that are Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Relevant, and are set within a Time-frame. So, for instance, if you have a book you’d like to write, make it a goal to write five hundred words during the next hour.

“There is only one way to eat an elephant: one bite at a time” — Desmond Tutu

“This is boring.”

This kind of boredom which inspires procrastination is not necessarily the same as creative boredom. This kind of boredom exists because you do not feel challenged in your writing. Whereas the boredom we previously discussed is caused because you are not excited about your writing. So how do you challenge yourself? — Some previous suggestions can be applied:

Try your hand at a whole new genre. Do you write a lot of Fantasy? Try Science Fiction, Urban Fantasy, or go as far out of your comfort zone as you can, like Contemporary Romance. Or have you ever written NonFiction? Jog your mind with a memior prompt or an essay topic — just make sure it interests you!

Research writing: there are many books, websites, blogs, and services that offer advice and tips on writing. On Tumblr alone, some include: @writingwithcolor, @referenceforwriters, @ wordstuck.co.vu, @writing-problems​, @thewritershelpers​, @youreallwrite​, and @fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment​

Try throwing a monkey wrench into your story! You can try picking a random prompt to try and incorporate into a scene. You can kill a character. Add some spice into your writing to renew your writing zest!

If all else fails: archive this project. Don’t delete it — never delete what you write; put this project aside for now. Step away from it. You may be too close to it to see what about it isn’t working, or what about it is making it unattractive to you. Give it some time. When you feel ready to return to this project, it will be waiting for you. In the meantime, enjoy creating a new story.

#writing #write #writers #writer #writing 101 #new writers #new writers corner #author #authors #new authors #new author #101 #writers block #getting over writers block #overcoming writers block #procrastination #bored #boredom #distracted #masterlist #masterguide #guide #list #fear #doubt #ideas #prompts #writing prompts #perfectionism #self help

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 49

Chapter Summary - Tom spends time with his family while Danielle spends time alone.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

I doubt the real Emma Hiddleston is like this, but we will just go with this for now.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @lys-syl @youcantcatchafallingstar

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

“So, how was sharing the bachelor pad with a woman?” Tom frowned at his sister. “No one, not even the world-famous Taylor Swift, was allowed stay there more than a weekend, yet Danielle remained there for over a fortnight, and your words earlier were, and I quote, ‘to not let her get sick of you’ meaning you were completely at ease with her being there.”

“Well, for the record, Taylor never even went to my house, we came straight here, and you are making me sound like some sort of philanderer.” Tom retorted. “It is not a bachelor pad, I just didn’t want just anyone invading my home.”

“Ah, so good then?” Sarah smiled. “I’m glad. For the record, she is the first woman in years that I actually think is good for you.”

“She is the only woman in years other than Taylor, I haven’t had a relationship in quite some time.” Tom pointed out.

“Stop it, Tom, you know what I mean, she is ambitious but not in a way where she will ever use your name to get ahead, she is smart and she can see through Bull and call people up on it.” Sarah looked out on the water. “It’s all you could want.”

“She is more than that, fun, funny, happy, careful yet carefree, and she just...there is something so soothing about being around her. There is so much noise and bright blinding lights in my world, yet she just somehow manages to sit there and when I am with her, it doesn’t seem to overwhelm me as much.”

“Aw, my brother is smitten, it’s actually so nauseating.” Sarah joked. “Well, in case you didn’t know, the feeling appears to be mutual.”

“Wait, did she say something when you were shopping?”

“Say, no, she said nothing. Her demeanour and smile, however, said everything.”

“When was this?”

“After your joke about her being the underpaid minion forced to do your shopping, she was smiling like an idiot at the phone, unable to stop herself, it was adorable,” Sarah informed him, laughing slightly when Tom’s face lit up at her words.

*

“Elle?” Tom walked in the back door of Danielle’s home with a well walked and happy Mac by his side. He could see from the used plates that she had eaten something, which was something of a relief to him. Listening intently, he heard her shower upstairs, so he decided to go and collect the rest of his things to bring over to his mother's. When the shower turned off, he smiled, imagining Danielle dripping wet and smiling as he hoped she would be, being back at home and having all of her work completed. “Elle, I’m in the hallway,” he called out, not wanting her to get startled if she heard him.

“Okay.” was her reply. “You going to your mum’s?”

“Yeah, I am going to catch up with everyone for a while.”

“Good, have fun.”

“Are you going to come by?”

“Maybe in a little bit,” the door opened and she stood in front of him with only a towel on, trying to get the excess water out of her hair. “It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow, so I need to sort out a few things here, sort the electric bill and all, post a few things that need to be done by New Years and get a bit of a shop done, I may have eaten everything in the fridge.” she smiled.

“You haven’t paid your bills?”

“I have, they are all direct debit, but I like to organise them all because I am a weirdo who likes to see where I spend my money.”

“My accountant would love you, in fact, he would get down on bended knees and ask you to have a stern word with me.” he grinned, leaning down to kiss her. “So, will I see you this evening?”

“More than likely then,” she nodded, smiling back at him. “Had you guys a nice walk?”

“Great, we had Sarah with us too, and for the record, you are still “Ellie”.”

“I was hoping she wasn’t calling me that still.” Danielle grimaced.

“She is the Duchess, she calls anyone anything and all we can do is accept it.” Tom smiled. “She thinks it is ‘Euch’ that we kiss now, but is far happier about this.”

“That’s because I don’t call her stories stupid and allow her some time with her uncle unsupervised. Speaking of which, go have some time with your family.”

“I will talk to you in a small while, alright?” Tom kissed her again, smiling happily before turning and going down the stairs with his suitcase.

When she heard the door close, Danielle inhaled deeply, the smile she had forced onto her face long disappeared and went into her room to get dressed.

*

“So when is Elle coming over?” Diana asked after Tom had polished off three cups of tea and two slices of cake.

“Later, she wants to organise the house and get some shopping in,” Tom responded, putting his plates in the sink.

“Better to do it today than tomorrow, the town with be hectic.” Sarah agreed. “You not going with her?”

“She looked like she wanted some time to herself, she has been so busy with work that I think she hasn’t had time to just relax for ages, the closest she had to it was going shopping with the two of you and the week before Christmas on Oxford Street is not what you would call relaxing.”

“We had a good time.” Diana smiled, “But it is healthy to spend a few hours apart too, not be stuck on one another. Remember last summer, the furthest you were allowed go when you were here was to the shop with Jack to get some barbeque meat. That is not healthy.”

“Can we not mention the farce that was last summer?” Tom grimaced. “I am trying to pretend I didn’t almost lose my marbles.”

“Good plan.” Jack agreed.

*

For the first winter in years, it wasn’t stormy or freezing cold coming into Christmas, it was, however, wet. Danielle cursed herself for not hiring a car for the Christmas, since knew she would never drive the Jag and now with giving time for Tom to spend time with his family, it meant she had to cycle to and from the village, something that would not bother her, had it not been for the rain that seemed to be in extortionate abundance around her.

She knew Tom would be spending time alone with his family, and in truth, she wanted to have some time to herself too, but Emma’s almost demanding it caused her to feel upset, not knowing what to do about it all. When finally she got home, she brought in the bike and looked at the water dripping from it onto the floor, her vision blurred. She liked being alone, she was used to it, she was an only child after all, but she had seldom felt lonely, but at that moment, as she placed her shopping on the table, she felt very much isolated.

Looking at her phone, she noticed there was a missed call from Tom and then a message,

Tom - I hope you are having a lovely day Darling, we are going to be having a few drinks and probably a movie later, come over when you are done, everyone cannot wait to see you. Xxx

Danielle just looked at the text before turning her phone on standby and continuing to unpack her shopping. When she had that finished, she went upstairs and walked into the study room and stared at the bookshelves, inhaling deeply, she decided to reorganise them, she had new plans, and that meant an overhaul, it also meant she could keep her mind of Tom, Emma and the Hiddleston’s in general.

She had been so lost in thought, Danielle never realised her phone was ringing, clicking the answer button, she put it to her ear without checking who it was. “Hello?”

“Hello beautiful, how is your day going?”

“Fine, yours?” she put the phone between her ear and her shoulder and continued putting books on the shelf.

“Wonderful, it is so good to finally have some time alone with my family again.” Danielle froze at those words. “When you are going to town, let me know, I’ll drive you. It’s too wet out.”

“I already went.”

“What?”

“I went already, a couple of hours ago in fact, actually, I need to dry the bike, I completely forgot about it.”

“Why didn’t you ask one of us to drive you in, Elle you must have gotten soaked.”

“It’s fine.”

“Did you have a shower after?”

“No.”

“Elle…” her nostrils flared slightly at his scolding tone. “You should have said something, darling.”

“I needed the air.”

“Usually I would agree, but it has been bucketing all day, you cannot do that, you’ll catch your death.”

“You don’t get sick from being out in the wet Tom.”

“You know what I mean, it can’t help.”

“I am actually sort of in the middle of something here, can I call you back later?” she asked, not wanting to talk on the phone any longer, hearing his voice made her lonely for him.

“Sure, when you're done, come over, alright?” Tom had to force himself to control his voice to not show how taken back he was by her cold demeanour.

“Yeah, I just have my head in something here and I want to get it done, I will come over then,” she replied, doing everything she could to not sound so distant. “Have fun with your family, Tom.”

Tom did not get to say anymore before the line went dead, leaving Danielle looking at the device in her hand as the screen faded from ending the call. She simply looked around for a moment before going back to the job at hand.

*

“Is Elle coming for dinner?” Diana asked as she was plating up food for her children and their husbands.

“I’m not sure,” Tom admitted, half forgetting about Elle and her slightly odd behaviour since he knew when she was organising, she became somewhat one-track minded and having spent an hour playing card games with his niece.

“Well check.” His mother ordered.

Taking out his phone, he realised it was four hours since he had spoken to Elle and pressed the redial button on her number.

“Yes, Tom?” Her voice was distant and echoing as though on loudspeaker, the music in the background confirming it, as well as the sound of plates moving around.

“Hey.” He smiled on hearing her voice. “You having a mini-concert for yourself there?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, the sound of her sucking on something interrupting her words. “Sorry, burnt my thumb on my lasagna dish there.”

“The music,” He explained, “No worries darling, I was just ringing because mum was asking if you were going to join us for dinner.”

“I already ate, I am just putting the leftovers into different boxes for freezing,” she stated. “I am actually feeling sort of tired, I am going to head to bed early, I will see you tomorrow, alright?”

“Elle, it’s only eight, you were in bed until near midday. Are you okay?”

“Yes, you goof, I’m just trying to catch up on sleep.” she laughed slightly. “But thank you for worrying.”

“Do you want me to come over when I am done here?”

“Tom, spend some time alone with your family. I will still be here tomorrow. I know my bed is comfy, but I am sure your one there will do you tonight.” her tone light. “Will you really miss me that badly for one night?”

“I think I may,” he admitted.

“Well, I won’t lie, that’s a nice thought, you missing me. Goodnight Tom, have a fun evening with your family. I love you.”

“As I do you.” He returned. “Get some good sleep.”

“I will with you not hogging most of the covers.”

“I do not.” he declared indignantly.

“Yes, you do.” she began to laugh, but then it turned to a yawn. “Night Tom.”

“Night, Elle.” he waited for her to hang up and looked at the phone.

“Tom?”

“She had dinner and is catching an early night for herself, she said she will come over tomorrow,” he responded getting up from the table and going to the back door and going outside for a moment, looking over at Danielle’s.

“Hey,” he turned to see Sarah looking at him from the back door, “you okay?”

“Yeah, I just am worried about her.”

“Why, because she is going to bed early and wanted a day to organise herself? You’ve never been one to be stuck to another person.” She looked at him.

“She’s listening to sad songs.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Danielle is a person who shows her emotions to music, she is listening to sad songs, meaning something is bothering her,” Tom explained. “The fact they are sad love songs is making me worry.”

“Are you sure it is not just the radio playing random songs that just so happen to be those?” Sarah challenged. “You said yourself today that she has been pulling twenty hour days trying to get her paperwork done, she is probably exhausted, you cannot recover from that in one sleep in, especially when you did not get here until what time last night?”

Tom nodded, knowing it was true. “You’re right, I just don’t want to overwhelm her, but I really want her to know if there is something she is worried about, she can come to me. I think sometimes that she is scared I will cast her aside if she tells me things. ”

“Well then tomorrow, when you see her, tell her that. Telling your big sister while you stare at her bedroom is not how you deal with this, now get in and get some dinner and stop staring at her window, it’s weird.”

“Yeah.” Tom nodded, sighing loudly, before going back into his mum’s.

On the other side of the fence, in the other house, Danielle placed the lasagna dish to soak and covered the different portions of lasagna and put them in the fridge for the following days before taking her phone off the counter where she had placed it after Tom had called her and walking over to her laptop, x-ing off the youtube page she had been using to play different songs, as she looked around her empty house, where she only had her dog as company, after getting used to Tom’s presence for the two weeks previous, feeling a little lost in herself.

#I Hate You I Love You #chapter 49 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic

[jcmorrigan]

Me(n)tal Fatigue

The F/O? XR from Buzz Lightyear of Star Command. The S/I? Rachel Sparks - fifth ranger of Team Lightyear with a big heart for justice (and no glasses in this ‘verse because I suppose Nebula would surgically augment my eyes to make sure Zurg couldn’t rip the glasses off and stomp on them, which is a Zurg tactic). This one goes as an epilogue to the ep “Head Case,” and watch me project neurodivergent headcanons upon a ROBOT. Listen, I have evidence as to why he has OCD, GAD, or both and I can produce receipts.

***

       She crossed his path later that night, just after hours, in the hallways connecting the barracks. Not an infrequent occurrence, given the proximity of her barrack to his storage unit. As always, they greeted each other as friends.

           She put up her hand; “Hey.”

           He made finger guns at her and clicked his tongue, winking.

           This was the part where they would just breeze by each other and keep on going, usually. But tonight –

           “Hey. XR.”

           They’d already passed each other by a couple paces in her case and cycles in his, and XR heard Rachel’s call to him when his back was already turned to her. He turned a quick 180 to see her regarding him with an air of concern that was, frankly, surprising. Shouldn’t she be used to this by now?

           “You know, I didn’t come THAT close to dying this time,” he said, cavalier as ever, a flippant shrug punctuating it. “YOU were the one who almost exploded.”

           Oh, that realization didn’t sit well with him.

           “I know,” Rachel replied.

           The words were so hard to dig up. She knew what she wanted – had – to ask him. But was it out of obligation as a friend, or some twisted excuse to get more attention from him? She wrestled with herself in her mind over the topic. This was why having feelings for someone was horrible. You could never trust your own intentions.

           She ended up just staring at XR blankly for a minute and a half, at which point he remarked, “Ooooookay, Rachel’s finally glitched out. And here, I thought that didn’t happen to organics.” In a blink, he was up in her face, escalated to her height so he could wave a hand in her face; “HEL-LOOOOO! STAR COMMAND TO RACHEL SPARKS! IS THERE A SIGN OF INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THERE?”

           She snorted, then broke down giggling.

           “I’m not sure whether to take that as a good sign or one that you’ve just completely lost it,” XR commented.

           “I’m fine,” Rachel said, calming down. “I just…wanted to ask you something. It might not be something you wanna talk about.”

           “You grossly underestimate my desire to talk about anything for long periods of time, especially if that ‘anything’ is related to myself.”

           “Well, you’re in luck,” Rachel replied. “But seriously, if you don’t wanna answer the question, you don’t have to.”

           He reverted to his usual height. “You’re gonna kill me from curiosity, Rach. If your goal here was to finish the job XL started, you’re doing a bang-up job.”

           “I was the one he almost blew up, remember?”

           XR really, really didn’t like considering the actual implications there. “No, seriously, what’s the big, scary question?”

           “Well…”

           She had to ask. Even if it was just an excuse to get him to talk to her. Either way, she knew he needed to talk about it. If his case was anything like hers, anyway. And she knew it was.

           On impulse, Rachel repositioned, dropping to the floor to sit with legs folded in a pretzel-reminiscent configuration, making her actually have to look up to meet XR’s line of sight. “So. Everybody thought you had ‘mental fatigue.’”

           “We’re getting comfortable for this. That should be a red flag.”

           “You don’t have to answer.”

           “I at least need to know where you’re going with this.”

           “It’s just…” Rachel faltered on the wording, then decided to simply be blunt: “DO you?”

           XR flinched. “What, you think I’m some kind of nutcase? Granted, that would fall in line with your brand of affectionate insult – “

           “Just hear me out, okay?” Rachel interrupted. “It’s all these things I’ve been noticing. How you straight-up ditched the team after having an air freshener ripped out. That was the first clue. You KNOW I’ve been there. It really looks like if you think you’re not perfect, you might as well not try. And then there’s the whole NOS-4-A2 thing. You’ve been taking him…REALLY hard. And then there was that attack that kicked this whole evaluation off, and…”

           “You are reading way, WAY too much into things,” XR replied, waving a hand as though to brush off Rachel’s speculation entirely. “Everyone has problems facing down a legitimate archnemesis. The rest of that is just my lovable quirks.”

           “And that’s…fine,” Rachel said unsurely. “It’s just that…I’ve…been a lot of these places. Not all of them, but…sometimes it really looks like you’re dealing with some heavy shit. Like you’re scared. Like you feel you’re losing control. Like you’re anxious.”

           “Robots don’t get anxiety disorder,” XR said dismissively. “I am literally programmed not to have anything your armchair diagnosis has led you to believe I have.”

           “And I’m totally ready to bring out the apology train for assuming,” Rachel went on. “I just had to ask if…” She swallowed hard. “If you were okay. That’s really all I want to know. Because if you’re not, then I figured you might wa – need to talk about it. And if you do, then…I’m here. But if I’m wrong, then just tell me straight, I’ll shut the fuck up, and I’ll go directly to bed without passing Go or collecting two hundred unibucks.”

           XR regarded Rachel with mild suspicion. “And after I answer, you intend to do WHAT with that information, exactly?”

           “Nothing,” Rachel told him. “This isn’t like taping me stupid dancing. I’m not gonna broadcast it or use it as blackmail. Like I know you wouldn’t do for anything ACTUALLY important.”

           His immediate instinct was to make a wisecrack about that, but that was perhaps the one sacred covenant between them, and he knew better. She was right about that much.

           “I’m just…” Her voice was barely able to eke out the next words due to the pounding of her heart. “Worried about you.”

           The silence only lasted a few seconds, but they could both feel how heavy it was and what it carried with it.

           “Well,” XR said at last. “Don’t be, because there is nothing to worry about.”

           Rachel looked up to him, giving him a nod in response. Maybe she’d been wrong. It was entirely likely she’d been projecting.

           His smile was broad, his body language solid. “You think it’s gonna take a few near-death experiences to break XR, Robot Ranger? Well, think again, my grammatically correct friend. I’ve been on the force longer than you have, you know.”

           By a couple months, she thought, but she didn’t voice this, instead nodding.

           “And I’ve seen things,” XR went on confidently. “Things that would reduce your average civilian to tears. But me? I am resilient in all conditions! Mental fatigue? Please. At the end of the day, nothing REALLY gets to me. Only the satisfaction of bad guys stopped, a job well done, and, if the day has gone according to plan, side cash earned from a moonlight venture. Granted, it’s a fifty-fifty shot that that part ever goes according to plan.”

           Seventy-thirty, Rachel corrected internally, and not in your favor.

           “In conclusion,” XR stated, “you don’t need to get your pretty little head worried about me, because I am completely, totally, one HUNDRED percent – NO I’M NOOOOOOOT!”

           The shift had been completely unpredictable; suddenly he was shaking like a leaf, fluid welling up at the bases of his eye-lights. Rachel flinched; it was like he’d been replaced again, like an entirely different robot stood before her, but she knew it was him. And she knew it was exactly as she’d suspected.

           “I DON’T WANNA KEEP DEALING WITH THIS!” XR went on, his voice cracking. “I DON’T WANNA LEAVE DUTY, EITHER! I CAN’T HAVE ANYONE THINKING I’M NUTS! BUT EVERY TIME THAT ENERGY-SUCKING VAMPIRE REARS HIS HEAD, OR XL RIPS ME TO PIECES, I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’M GONNA MAKE IT OUT THIS TIME! AND I REMEMBER THAT! I THINK ABOUT THAT!”

           Rachel didn’t reply. She simply listened. He had to say his piece. He’d had to say it for some time now. Though she had to admit she wasn’t as prepared for this reaction as she’d thought she had been. She had asked for candor, but hadn’t expected things to get quite this candid.

           Nor was she expecting it when he leaned right into her, his arms suddenly extending to wrap tightly around her in a desperate search for comfort, for understanding. She froze, her heart the only part of her in motion, and that dangerously so, throbbing so fast it might just explode. Feelings. She cursed them. If she didn’t have those feelings for him, this wouldn’t be so difficult to navigate, and she could just be there for him without pausing or stuttering. She could just –

           Well, realizing what a rational Rachel without a crush would do indicated what the real Rachel had to.

           She wrapped her own arms around his cylindrical body, pulling him a bit closer. Thinking about how there might not even be any benefit he’d get from that, being unable to sense tactile stimulation and all. Knowing that didn’t matter.

           “And you know – YOU KNOW – I’m only the way I am because of an accident!” XR babbled. “I got smashed to smithereens, and when they put me back together, I was me! Nobody knows how that even happened! And every time since then, when I’ve been pounded to bits, I come back as me! But what if I DON’T come back as me next time? What if I actually get deleted? Erased? Eighty-sixed?”

           Rachel had never even thought about that before, and she had to admit even she was horrified. No. She couldn’t tell him she was worried about that now on top of his mental state. She had to be the strong one here. It’s what she would want if it were her doing the crying.

           “ – and that energy-sucker’s obedience code is STILL in my data banks, and I’ve erased it THREE times since then, but it keeps reprogramming itself, and I can’t get rid of it, I CAN’T GET RID OF IT – “

           Her hand gently slid up and down his back. Now, that gesture probably was absolutely useless, but still, any way to let him know, without verbally interrupting, that she was listening, that she was understanding as best she could.

           “ – and THIS time, it was almost YOU that bit the dust, and that would’ve been on me! Forever! Knowing I let you get blown up!”

           A cold flush ran over Rachel. He’d really been that afraid for her?

           “And what kind of ranger lets all of his friends go down like THAT? Listen, I know I’m not the galaxy’s most morally upstanding guy, but – “

           Oh. He’d meant the collective “you.” That made more sense.

           This went on for a while. What he poured out, she absorbed, and soon she was the one shaking, having to hold all of this knowledge, even if it was only confirmation of what she’d theorized. Then there was silence, the pair of them locked together in the middle of a public hallway, surprisingly not having attracted any outside attention or gotten in the way of passersby. The benefits of waiting until after hours to have a breakdown.

           At last, very quietly, XR said, “I needed that,” and Rachel knew it was over. They let go of each other, slowly, and when XR met Rachel’s gaze again, his tears had dried, and he was putting on his best game face.

           “And you KNEW I needed that,” he said in an even tone.

           “I guessed,” Rachel said. The first words she’d spoken in a while.

           “And you’re NEVER going to tell anyone.”

           “No,” Rachel affirmed. “This stays between us. Unless you want to take it to anyone else.”

           “I don’t need them kicking me out for this,” XR said firmly.

           “I don’t want them kicking you out for this,” Rachel agreed. “You’re still doing GREAT. Being a little…um…”

           “Insane? Loco? Bananas?”            “…I don’t have a more polite word right now. The best I have is ‘messed up.’ But being a little bit that-stuff hasn’t really held you back that much. People get stress like that.”

           XR fixed Rachel with a particularly corrective look; “People?”

           “And robots,” Rachel said with a nod. “And you do a great job of working around it. I just know that sometimes, when it gets like that…if you don’t find a place to let it out, you’ll just collapse.”

           “Well, in that case…” XR suddenly lost a bit more confidence, tapping his index finger points together sheepishly. “I probably owe you one for being the – “

           “No. You don’t.” She was stern on that point. “Never. And I don’t wanna hear it brought up again.”

           “Right.” A double take, as though he was only just now realizing where he was, and what time it was. “Basically, this never happened.”

           “What never happened?”

           “Exactly.”

           Though Rachel couldn’t be completely selfless. “A thank-you WOULD be nice, though. That’s literally all I want.”

           “Well, thank you,” XR said, sounding completely offhand.

           Even though Rachel knew he was anything but.

           She set about getting to her feet. “Anyway, we both need to get to bed. I’m gonna hate myself in the morning if I don’t go to sleep – “ She checked her watch. “ – thirty minutes ago.”

           “As opposed to how you USUALLY are in the mornings?”

           “It gets so much worse than you know.”

           “Well, that’s not reassuring,” XR told her, completely casual now. “Meanwhile, you know the drill. Don’t need sleep; still love it.”

           She nodded. Then said “Goodnight” as though that were in any way sufficient to close out the situation that had just taken place.

           Rachel turned to walk away when she heard it:

           “Hey. Rach.”

           She turned back to see XR regarding her with a look of concern this time; a mirror image of the incident that had begun the conversation.

           “It hit me that you figured all this stuff out about ME because you were reminded of YOU,” he pointed out. “How messed up are YOU? For lack of a better term, of course.”

           She bristled. “Enough.”

           “And who do YOU talk to about it?”

           “No one,” she admitted. “But it’s fine. I’m an old pro at this.”

           “Oh, reeeeaaaaally.” The skepticism dripped.

           “Who am I even gonna talk to?” Rachel asked, half hoping against hope –

           “Well, they do say turnabout is fair play,” XR told her. “You COULD unload all your sorrows on your local sympathetic robot.”

           As absolutely wonderful as that sounded, Rachel had to call it out for the pipe dream it was. “You don’t really wanna talk about my issues. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend, and probably get me to talk you up about being such a good friend, but you don’t want to. Not really. And that’s fine. You don’t have to. You’re a good friend for other reasons. I’m the hear-you-out-on-your-vents friend. You’re the pull-elaborate-stunt-to-get-me-un-fired friend. It’s fine.”

           “Oh, yeah?” XR retorted. “You think I can’t handle your problems? Try me.”

           Well, now Rachel realized she’d challenged him to prove his worth, and he wasn’t going to back down. “Another time,” she told him, vowing to herself to never let him know when she was having such troubles. “It’s late o’clock right now, and I just want to go to sleep.” By which she meant push her curfew another hour and a half reading fanfictions and critical analyses.

           “Just know I’m here when you need me,” XR stated, all too boastfully. He couldn’t be honest about this, Rachel worried.

           “And I’m here when you need me,” she replied, meaning it deeply. “Whenever.”

           I’d probably do way too much for you, she added internally. I like you so much. I need you to be okay.

           “Now GOODNIGHT,” she asserted as she turned on a heel and briskly strode off to her barrack.

           XR watched her practically speeding away, still not really able to move on from what had just happened. He was trusting her with a lot now, but he knew she was exactly the right person for that, regardless of venom swapped between them in the past. He was perhaps just a little more fond of her now – not romantically, not in the way she’d have wanted, but he still had no clue of that.

           It was just a very, very good thing XL hadn’t blown her up.

           XR now made direct tracks for his storage unit, resolving to forget about all he’d said and all she’d listened to but immediately replaying the conversation in his mind, word-for-word, ten times at least.

#selfship #electric love #xrach

[mwolf0epsilon]

DBH - Nameless and Homeless

A quick one shot from the perspective of my AP700 android OC, Apollo, before he got his name and had his memory chip repaired.

The Android Revolution brought freedom to android-kind, but not every android was happy to lose what they had. A unique AP700 certainly didn't feel very grateful to Jericho or it's leaders...

---

    Model AP700 #281 020 180 could still remember the day his family had acquired him from the Cyberlife Store in Greektown.

The memory evaded him most days, but it always returned during charging cycles, when his thoughts would be less jumbled and easier to access.

It was a fine day. The Johnsons had come to the store on an foggy July morning, just after the end of a mild summer shower.

Although both parents were of the working class, at least from what his scan could tell him, neither of the mother’s or father’s jobs had a high enough income to justify purchasing an android. Most were above the regular pay grade of an average family, and the AP700s were still recent enough in their release that it justified a price of nearly 9000 dollars.

This of course was not a problem for this particular unit, as he was on an unusually high discount as it was.

 “That one. Why’s it so cheap compared to the others?” Mr. Johnson, had asked the customer service android that had been showcasing the newest models available for purchase.

 “AP700 Model Number 281 020 180 has been flagged by Cyberlife as being of faulty manufacture. The listed malfunctions include: Lack of social responses such as speech or visual contact, and a slight glitch in it’s memory chip which affects it's name registration program.”

Mr. Johnson had stared at him, as the android explained the intricacies of the damaged AP700’s malfunctions. Beside him stood his wife, Mrs. Johnson, who looked much older than her husband, but mostly due to the stresses of child-reering having taken a toll on her appearance. His scans did, after all, indicate she was a healthy young woman, even after having had three kids.

The children in question, were three energetic little ones that were running around the store looking at the display cases of the other android models.

There was a vintage rental PL600 with the old ‘Simon Says’ advertisements that used to air on tv, along with a unique green uniform, and a set of inquisitive green eyes to match.

There was an AX400 with bobbed raven hair instead of the standard long brown, discounted at about 100 dollars due to the AP700 line’s recent release.

There was an HK400 as well, but he doubted it would be sold anytime soon, as the AP700 had seen several patrons come in to replace their older models with his own line.

The release of the AP700 was, after all, the obsoletion of several older domestic androids.

 “Why are Cyberlife selling a broken android?” Mr. Johnson had asked, ever the diligent man that he was with seeking out loopholes.

He just needed to know these things so he didn’t later regret his decisions.

 “Although faulty, AP700 Model Number 281 020 180 is still a functioning android and will obey it’s owner's orders accordingly. As an added bonus to it’s purchase, Cyberlife has offered a care package, as well as optional customization to make up for the issues that come with acquiring this particular model.”

One of the Johnson kids, a young 8 year old girl with the brightest chocolate brown eyes he’d ever seen, had come to look up into his display case.

She smiled a huge gapped smile, from having lost her two front teeth, which was actually quite endearing. It certainly complimented the youthful and innocent gleam of her eyes.

He found himself smiling back.

 “Alright, seems fair.” Mr. Johnson said as he turned to look at his wife for an opinion on the matter. “Think it’ll be a good replacement for old Dimitri?”

Mrs. Johnson looked up at the AP700, then at her children who were all now looking up at his display case.

 “Yes dear, but I don’t want another Dimitri.” She replied. Dimitri must have been their previous android the family had owned. “This one will be different. We need to make him unique.”

And they certainly had.

As soon as they paid for the AP700, they’d asked for the optional cosmetic changes.

It hurt, the whole thing hurt, but he’d been made different for them...So in the end he didn’t mind. It meant they’d be happy with him.

    With a new hair color, a new shiny eye, and a height boost, the AP700 had gone home to his new family and he’d loved them with all of his heart.

Because he did have a heart.

It couldn’t be anything else if it fit all the love he felt for these people.

Even with his faults, they seemed to love him just as much.

They didn’t even seem to mind that he couldn’t quite register the names they tried to give him. The second youngest child, Calvin, had even made a game of it.

As a means of indulging him, the AP700 had responded to every single name that he came up with, and even became fond of some of the ones he’d been called.

‘Chirp’ and ‘Tulip’ were his most favorites. They were ones Calvin had picked after he’d noticed two particular interests of the AP700. Tending to the family garden, and birdwatching when he’d found a nest in the windowsill.

 “Ollie, can you help me with my homework?”

 “Richard, wash the dishes will you?”

 “Victor the dog hasn’t been walked yet, can you take care of it?”

 “Gustave, Molly needs a bath.”

 “Play with me Chris!”

The AP700 had a very busy life, but a happy one nonetheless. Everything was perfect...Until that fateful date, that is...

August 15th, 2038.

A PL600 went berserk, killing its owner and taking the child it was caring for hostage.

The AP700 watched the broadcast with his family, all having stopped what they were doing to stare at the live feed.

Despite the circumstances, the AP700’s heart ached for the child and the terrified android on the news. Especially when that other android came to negotiate...He’d never seen such cold calculative eyes on an android before, and it had honestly spooked the customized AP series model.

As soon as it had started, it had ended as well…

And not for the better.

The negotiator android hadn’t even had the heart to comfort the poor child after the PL600 was shot down by the SWAT team. The AP series found himself glaring, LED bright red, as he watched the android leave the scene, it's mission accomplished.

 “To think Dimitri could have done the same…” Mrs. Johnson had sounded scared.

The glare softened with concern, and the red LED spun yellow as the AP700 turned to observe his family.

They were all staring at him, they likely felt the same he did.

Apprehensive.

    Things changed after that day. There was a massive recall for all remaining PL600s after the one went crazy. He’d watched from the window as families drove their “dangerously faulty” androids to their respective Cyberlife stores, coming back with brand new AP700s as compensation. A reward for compliance to what the AP700 could only compare to mass murder born of fear blown out of proportion.

It didn’t feel right, watching those androids who’d done nothing but be loyal to their families, be taken to their doom when they’d been loving companions. Some of which he'd even crossed paths with before.

The neighborhood wasn’t the only thing that changed.

The Johnsons had as well.

The AP700 watched as they became less animated as they spoke to him, quieting down, calling him by less names and instead just telling him to do his chores.

It concerned him. But he didn’t have long to muse on their odd behaviour...Because Stratford tower was hijacked not too long after.

    Zero human casualties, one android fatality. Yet somehow a peaceful broadcast was made to look like a terrorist attack by the ever paranoid humans.

It had left a strange taste in the AP700’s mouth, something akin to bleach.

The Johnsons were scared, and he could tell they were. The humans were planting fear in their own kind and making his kind look like the monster under the children’s bed.

And the AP700 couldn’t understand why.

The freedom marchers were the last straw.

People began to evacuate.

One day, the Johnson's AP700 was asked to go to the store to pick up some dog food, and then when he returned, his family was gone.

He’d been left behind.

And that had been the first time the AP series had cried, truly cried.

The Johnsons had abandoned him because they thought he was a threat, when all he’d done was care for them. Somehow, he knew that this was what that PL600 had felt, and yet he had no desire for revenge against his masters. He just wanted to cry.

    The mass recall of androids made him run, run and hide where no one would think to look for an android. The Junkyard.

The AP700 became accustomed to seeing broken and dying androids, scavenging for biocomponents and thirium.

He learned to avoid the ones desperate enough to attack on sight.

His predecessor being one among many who tried so desperately to feed off of him. There was no familial bond or respect for their shared masters.

Dimitri, a once kind and caring PL600, now hunted and behaved like an animal, driven to insanity by desperation to survive and the rage of being rejected and abandoned. Consumed by the ruthless nature of the Junkyard. The AP700 learned to skirt around him, but never brought harm to the one he'd replaced.

Law of the jungle or not, he had a sort of respect for the older Android.

In the Junkyard he’d also learned to bury those that couldn’t hang on any longer, learned to respect them.

He learned to mourn the dead, and send them off feeling loved in a world where they’d been nothing more but tools to the cruel families and corporations they'd served.

And then the revolution came to pass, and the AP700 found himself walking the abandoned streets of Detroit, without a clear destination in mind. There was nothing out there for him. Freedom was nothing if not a cruel joke to him.

If he was free then why couldn't he be with his family? Why was it wrong to love them?

He spat on the ground whenever he caught others praise the Jericho leaders for bringing them the right to live their own lives.

Screw Jericho, screw Markus and his little friends, fuck all of them.

They'd ruined his life.

He'd not be another slave to their cause.

He'd wandered and stewed in his sadness and anger, until he found his little one.

Abandoned in an old warehouse, discarded by an unloving family, much like he had.

As soon as he'd picked him up, the baby had stopped wailing and the AP700 knew. It was destined, somehow, that they'd be each other's family.

He’d raise this baby to be a good human.

He’d feed and clothe him, wash him and love him. Teach him to be kind.

He’d never abandon Chance like the humans had abandoned them both.

The AP700 was nameless and homeless, but it liked the idea of one day being something else: A father.

#Eps Writes: #Fanfic #detroit become human #detroit: become human #OC Stuff #Give me more outsider perspectives on the revolution #like plz give me androids that are deviant but are legitimately bitter because they loved their families and were forced to leave them #and also give me more android survivors living in bad conditions but coming off stronger despite not being built to be survivors

[someone-else-anyone-else]

I’m back (?)

I’ve made like five “I’m BaCk” posts so this is different.

***ED TW for this next part***

I have in my bio that I don’t know what ED I have, because even though I had extremely anorexic tendencies, I still had a binging problem and didn’t lose a super significant amount of weight in a small amount of time. This could be my goblin brain talking telling me I’m not “sick enough” to have anorexia, but it’s my thoughts so I’m putting it here.

A while ago, March/April maybe? I suddenly stopped. But I wasn’t normal, I went into binge eating mode. I made a complete 180 on the eating disorder spectrum, there was NO restriction, NO healthy foods, nothing.

Which is what leads me to believe I had something more along the line of EDNOS. Im not super well educated on EDNOS, but to my understanding a person can go though different cycles, lasting days, weeks, or months, exhibiting characteristics of more than one eating disorder. As of right now, I’ve gone through an extreme anorexic cycle, lasting about six months, and a binge cycle, lasting about three months.

My eating has normaled out now, more so than at the beginning of this cycle, so I’d say I’m as close to recovery as I’ve been since this became a problem. However, these thoughts still occupy my mind. How I’m not satisfied about my body, my looks, my loss of control over the way I eat. A very fucked up part of me misses it. But I’m scared to go back there. As much as I miss it, I was miserable. That doesn’t mean I’m recovered. I’m still in a the binge cycle. Binge eating disorder isn’t as deadly as anorexia but it still is a real problem. Luckily, I’ve never been through a bulimic cycle, I think my disgust of throwing up and the money my family has spent on my dental work will keep it that way. But I can only hope.

A few weeks ago, during a late night call with one of my closest friends, I decided to tell her about all of this. The restriction, the fasts, the tumblr page, the binging. All of it. She told me that she knew, to some extent. When I started tumblr I guess I didn’t realize you could see the account you reblog a post from, and one day she was scrolling through my account for fun. Unfortunately a post I reblogged was from an ED page. From then on she knew it was a more serious problem than previously thought, because it has been a problem before. I told her about my first run in with disordered eating, my sophomore year, how I got better, and then this year again. Much worse this time around.

She asked that I get help. She feared that this isn’t over, because I’ve been through it before, that I’d continue to have “phases” where I’m better, and then not, progressively getting worse each time, because that’s what happened here. I didn’t want to agree, but I knew she was right, I should get help in case it’ll only get worse. I’m scared of that, because now the thought are coming back. I’ve gained back what I lost through this binging period, and the goblin in my brain hates it.

I want to be physically healthy, I want to eat right, I want to work out, but I want to do it so that I’m healthier, not skinnier. I want to get buff, I want to beat my friends in arm wrestling, I went to be able to dance better, I want to be able to run longer, I want to have more energy, but I’m so scared that once I start, I’ll fall back into the same unhealthy tendencies.

Part of what fueled me so hard the first time, or at least something I could use as an excuse instead of facing that I had an ED, was the fall musical. I played Serena in Legally Blonde the musical, a spunky cheerlead in the Delta Nu sorority house. They spend a lot of time on their physical appearance, including working out. On top of that, she’s a cheerleader. I told myself I’d start dieting and working out because she’s a cheerleader, she should have a good figure (which is lookism that’s ingrained into my mind that’s STUPID cause there is no “good” figure and cheerleaders can look however they want). This year I’m playing the lead in the musical, I’m so afraid that if I start trying to be healthy, it’ll turn into “I have to look good as Cinderella! She’s a princess!”.

I don’t know what will happen in the future. I might get worse and be back to posting as normal. Or maybe this turns into a recovery blog. I wish I could tell you. But I don’t know. All I want is to be happy and healthy. Now my story is out there, I hope I continue to tell it.

#recovery #mental health #ed recovery #me.exe

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L-Theanine: It is an amino corrosive found in tea leaves and mushrooms. It improves unwinding, center, and focus. It gives an increasingly relaxing rest. It has quieting specialists that help your dozing capacity and leads you to have a profound rest.

Magnesium and Zinc: These are some of the fundamental minerals that your body needs to remain solid. At the point when taken together they are handily consumed by the body. It lessens Fatigue and improves the rest quality.

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Taking them together gives the advantage of being handily consumed into your body. They are weakness reducers and upgrade your rest quality.

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[ninjaoperator-blog]

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[bestmountaninbikes]

REVIEWS AND GUIDE ABOUT BEST FULL SUSPENSION MOUNTAIN BIKE

Mountain Bicycles are significant as they regularly make it simpler to get to spots like the nearby basic food item to get staples. Furthermore, the bicycles are a decent type of activity on the off chance that you intend to lose some additional muscles and get the ideal weight. Be that as it may, getting the correct bicycle for such reasons for existing isn't as simple as one may suspect.

Mountain Bicycle hardtail versus Full Suspension, which is the best? Full suspension trail blazing bicycles are the best as they are worked with safeguards at the back and front sides. This implies there isn't any probability that you'll get exhausted and awkward as you ride on the bicycle.

How simple is it to Search a full suspension Mountain Bicycle?

Indeed, there are extraordinary models of these bicycles accessible in the market in enormous numbers. Their costs frequently fluctuate contingent upon the producer's preferences and materials utilized. Yet, given the current budgetary imperatives, which precisely is the Best Full Suspension Mountain Bicycle under 1500 out of 2019?

In this article, I have looked into 5 bicycles that are of top quality that you can consider in addition to a far-reaching report on what you have to know before purchasing a Full Suspension Trail Blazing Bicycle. Investigate.

Surveys of the main 5 Full Suspension Mountain Bikes

BEIOU BO-B022A (26) Carbon Fiber Mountain Bike

The BEIO BO-B022A (26) Carbon Fiber Mountain Bike includes first in my rundown. The bicycle has been made out of the ever solid Toray T800 Carbon fiber. The fiber has an elasticity of 500kgf/mm2, 4410Mpa in addition to a pliable modulus of 24ton/mm2 395GPa. Its thickness is 1.8g/cm3 which is a phenomenal thing with regards to the bicycle's toughness. The carbon fiber has a stretching of 2.1 too.

A bicycle made of such sort of material is likewise protected to ride on. This lovely item is intended to work with 26-inch wheels which are impeccably coordinating the 15 to 17-inch casing sizes. Furthermore, the matte and 3K reflexive completion gives this bicycle a pleasant physical appearance.

This moderate BEIOU BO-B022A (26) Carbon Fiber Mountain Bike is appropriate for the elite like on account of expert competitors or cycling devotees. The bicycle is accessible in various hues and it is you to pick which shading is without a doubt bravo.

BEIOU BO-B022A (26) Mountain Bike is lightweight, weighing simply 10.8 pounds. This implies you aren't probably going to strain as you ride it. It utilizes the vertical circle sort of brake and is regularly joined by the multi-device pedals. This works so fine with the water powered plate (SHIMANO M355) stopping mechanism.

BEIOU BO-B022A (26) Mountain Bike additionally utilizes the ever-effective SHIMANO DEORE 6000 speed control framework. Its The 26-inch air suspension fork is produced using the UDING DH32. This is a point of fact one of the best and least expensive full suspension trail blazing bicycles you can discover in 2019.

Pros of BEIOU BO-B022A (26) Mountain Bike

·         Conventionally light

·         Well-bundled

·         Very moderate

·         Well-performing brakes

·         The responsive client administration group

·         Well-assembled and solid

Cons of BEIOU BO-B022A (26) Mountain Bike

·         Hard situate

Steppenwolf Tundra Pro Hardtail Mountain Bike

Steppenwolf Tundra Pro Hardtail Mountain Bike is another brand that has been in the market for two decades now. They are known to make some moderate yet fantastic trail blazing bicycles. For undertakings in any sort of territory, the Steppenwolf is a solid bicycle.

The Steppenwolf Tundra Pro Bike is smooth and this is safeguarded for a serious in length time. Its precarious guiding point in addition to the short back area is the thing that keeps the bicycle nimble. Regardless of whether you are wanting to make either a declining or tough ride, the Tundra Pro bicycle gives you that smooth, delicate and dynamic feel.

The Tundra Pro SteppenWolf Mountain Bike has its fork produced using the 100mm RockShox SID RLT. Its FSA max engine thrust 685mm level handlebars are agreeable for use. The FSA max engine propulsion situate post is another incredible component of this off-road bicycle. This bicycle has DT Swiss X 1900 Spline wheels in addition to a Shimano XT shifters drivetrain.

It's Avid Elixir 5 180/160mm brakes are so advantageous and powerful. The bicycle is additionally planned with inner cabling in addition to carbon outline which makes it a lightweight item. It additionally has an FA SX Pro No. 55 headset and a 90mm Afterburner stem. It is worked with a 10-speed Shimano XT/XT tape that has 11-36t.

Pros of Steppenwolf Tundra Pro Bike

·         Lightweight

·         Responsive and firm brakes

·         Made of superb materials

·         Well-valued

·         Gives great equalization

·         Agreeable seat

Cons  of Steppenwolf Tundra Pro Bike

·         Restricted handlebar

BEIOU BO-CB020 Carbon Fiber Mountain Bike

The BEIOU BO-CB020 Carbon Fiber Mountain Bike is another extraordinary off-road bicycle from BEIOU. With edge sizes of somewhere in the range of 17 and 19 crawls in addition to wheel sizes of 27.5 and 29 inches, this bicycle is a perfect one for any cycling lover. The bicycle's casing is produced using the solid Toray T800 carbon fiber.

The 3K matte completion gives BEIOU BO-CB020 Bike a vivid and perfect get done with making it an extraordinary expansion in any sort of home. This item utilizes the concealed plate brake type nearby the Shimano M315/M335 double water driven circle stopping mechanism. This makes the bicycle halt effectively at whatever point the brakes are called vigorously.

BEIOU BO-CB020 Mountain Bike’s level handlebar just as the seat posts is made of 600mm/31.8 and 350mm/31.6mm incorporated carbon fiber individually. The bicycle has a 29-inch air suspension fork, UDING DH32. The bicycle is 10.7 pounds without the pedals which is moderately alright given that the pedals don't gauge much also.

This BEIOU BO-CB020 Mountain Bike has an ace wheel coordinated crankset just as SUNRACE MTB tape sprockets. It additionally accompanies a dark red mountain saddle that you can use too. The item accompanies pedals, client manual and an assortment of apparatuses that you'll have to keep it well-kept up.

Pros of BEIOU BO-CB020 Mountain Bike

·         Lightweight

·         Simple to assemble

·         Generally moderate

·         Brakes and apparatuses impeccably planned

·         Wonderful appearance

·         Steady, strong and smooth

Cons of BEIOU BO-CB020 Mountain Bike

·         Hard and awkward seat

Diamondback Hook 27.5 Bikes

The Diamondback Hook 27.5 Bikes is another incredible full suspension bicycle that is generally reasonable. It is worked with a cutting edge and low-threw outline that gives it an extremely pleasant look. The bicycle is short at the back and long at the front making it low and simple to move in any sort of territory.

Diamondback Hook Bikes can be utilized on the steepest or exceptionally tight trails without anything to stress over. It has a 120 millimeter SR Suntour fork that goes with the SRAM X3 1×8-speed drive train. These are what prop you up at whatever point you are out biking.

The Diamondback Hook 27.5 Bikes additionally has wheels that are 27.5 creeps in size for more prominent mobility. The other thing that I enjoyed about this bicycle is the means by which its edge is significantly good with its dropper posts that have been directed inside. The edge is made of aluminum making the entire bicycle lightweight.

Diamondback Hook 27.5 Bikes doesn't have front derailleurs with its wrenches being made of the aluminum arm in addition to a little steel chain-ring. Its brakes are the renowned Tektro Aries mechanical circles. This is the bicycle to search for particularly on the off chance that you are low on spending plan.

Pros of Diamondback Hook Bikes

·         Shabby

·         Extraordinary client care administrations

·         Well-completed and tolerable

·         Stable

·         Lightweight

·         Simple to collect

Cons of Diamondback Hook Bikes

·         The logo doesn't remain level after some time

DJ Electric Mountain Bike 750W

Furthermore, here comes the main Electric Mountain Bicycle in my rundown. DJ Electric Mountain Bike 750W from DJ can stretch out its capacity to about 1000W from the typical 750W. The amazing Bafang brushless engine that it accompanies, in this way, makes it a solid bicycle to utilize even on steep and long trails.

DJ Electric Mountain Bike together with its adornments is very reasonable. Its edge is produced using light aluminum making the bicycle lightweight to a bigger degree. It has a 48V DC 13Ah lithium-particle LG battery that powers the engine. Its suspension fork is the Tun-Gun Mozo suspension model.

Furthermore, it utilizes Shimano gear framework (7 riggings) just as Tektro stopping mechanism. Its pad seat is agreeable to such an extent that you don't get exhausted over the span of riding. You can, in this way, make the most of your rides for long without any difficulty.

DJ Electric Mountain Bike is fitted with 26-inch wheels that have substantial amalgam edges making them simple to move. It gauges 57 pounds and should be ridden at a lawful speed of 20 miles for each hour. The beneficial thing about the battery is that it is battery-powered. There are no discharges from the bicycle making it eco-accommodating.

Pros of DJ Electric Mountain Bike

·         Moderate

·         Eco-accommodating

·         Simple to collect

·         Incredible and battery-powered battery

·         Lightweight

·         Well-assembled and sturdy

 Cons of DJ Electric Mountain Bike

·         Awkward seat

Elements to Consider When Buying a Full Suspension Mountain Bike

You can't simply make a beeline for the market for a bicycle and get the best out of the breeze. There are factors that you have to consider before you head to that store to get a bicycle. With that at the back of your brain, you'll positively get a bicycle of your craving.

The following are a portion of the things you have to pay special mind to.

Financial limit

In as much as I have limited to Full Suspension Mountain bicycles under 1500, there is still need that you take a gander at what you have in your pockets or records besides before you make the buy. The bicycles have them costs shifting and it's upon you to go for one that will impeccably fit inside your financial limit.

After the buy, you'll additionally be required to part with some cash for support purposes. You would prefer not to Purchase a Bicycle and watch it get annihilated while you had a chance to anticipate the demolition. Things like tires, chains, brakes and such sort of stuff will require supplantings with time.

Moreover, there is other additional stuff like clothing, cap and gloves among others that you'll have to buy to make your ride an agreeable encounter. A decent bicycle shouldn't cost much, however. I would suggest that you go for a sensibly estimated Trail Blazing Bicycle.

Casing Materials of Full Suspension Bikes

The material used to make the casing is another extraordinary thought you'll need to make before you make the buy. It is this material that will decide the bicycle's value, weight, ride quality, quality, and solidness.

Aluminum is one material that frequently includes at the notice of materials used to make full suspension trail blazing bicycles. Aluminum is light and consistently gives the bicycle an a lot lighter weight which makes the bicycle less stressing as you make the rides.

The lighter the material is, the more costly the bicycle is probably going to be. Aluminum is a decent decision as it is tough too. Carbon fiber is another material constantly utilized in making trail blazing bicycles. As a matter of fact, this material positions top among the most grounded accessible ones on the planet. The quality doesn't in any capacity influence the bicycle's weight as bicycles produced using carbon strands are commonly lightweight also.

Be that as it may, anticipate that such bicycles should be somewhat exorbitant as the way toward assembling carbon fiber is work serious. Steel is another material frequently utilized in light of its durability and is less exorbitant. The material is, in any case, overwhelming for a decent off-road bicycle. Titanium is solid and light yet excessively costly.

Wheel Sizes of Full Suspension Bikes

A Perfect Full Suspension Mountain Bike ought to have their wheels running from 26 to 29 crawls in size. The bigger the wheel size, the more slowly the bicycle is probably going to be nevertheless the beneficial thing about such enormous wheels is that you can really make more progress with them than the little ones.

 By and by, I would prescribe you go for medium-sized wheels. On the off chance that you are short, at that point you can go for a little wheel size to oblige your shorter legs.

Conclusion about Full Suspension Mountain Bikes

As you have seen, you can really get a full suspension trail blazing bicycle at an extensively lower cost. Of all the assessed items, none beats the BEIOU BO-CB005 Mountain Bike. The bicycle is made of light and solid carbon fiber. This makes it progressively solid.

The matte and reflexive completion gives the bicycle an extremely pleasant appearance. Its speed control and slowing mechanisms are choices. These are simple, however, a portion of the numerous highlights that make this bicycle an extraordinary pick.

This doesn't imply that the remainder of the items are low-quality. You can also consider any of them that matches your inclinations. Expectation you got every one of your worries tended to in this article.

#Full Suspension Bikes #Mountain Bikes #BEIOU Bikes #BEIOU Title Elite Bike #BEIOU CB020 #BicyclesOrbit #Bikes #Bicycles

[gaudeixcc]

Peloton News – G17 tour – Halfway between the Sun and the Moon.

At least once a year for the last 6 years, we have been away on a cycling tour.

It all started with JT and I and a trip to Majorca.

Here’s a fact for you, long brushed under the carpet of time. I actually arranged most of the riding and routes on the first trip. Yep.. I did.

I Google-Earthed each route to make sure it was an actual road and not some farmer’s track. I mapped them, Garmin’d them and then sent them to JT.

All was well.

Some of the iconic long-time favourites were first born here. Col De Sa Batalla, the decent into Soller.

There were also a couple of howlers in there too. The strip in Magaluf… not my finest cartographical moment. JT trying his best to hide his ‘WTF-face’ as we glided down the main strip on a casual Saturday afternoon. Since this point, his patience his shortened considerably and his control-freakery at all things planning has well and truly taken a Japanese knott-weed grip on the roster.

I didn’t mind handing the planning gauntlet back in all honesty. It’s easy enough to do, but the absolute merciless hammering you get from the baying Peloton should you as much as put a wheel wrong takes what little shine there is off the whole process. That and the constant squeaky-wheel that is our diminutive friend, always asking for a progress update. He would see it as delegation…. But that would assume that some level of responsibility had passed to allow minor decision making…

‘Big assumption’ the little man would no doubt counter.

At times I’ve felt very much the beaten-wife…” I just do it to keep him happy… you know… for a quiet life and all that”

I say all that though… but I know that deep down… every member of the Peleton loves his ruthless efficiency at planning and organising. For most of the team, all that is required of you is to follow a list of instruction on what to pack (I mean, it’s like a professionally guided tour, it really is) and then turn up at an airport on the time written in the e-mail (plus numerous reminders).

Turn up, go where told, cycle, arrive home. Bosh. That’s it But, as long as Gaudeix are going on tour, JT will plan it and sanction the decisions, I’ll sort the caps and the shirts (for the Grande Tours) and then completely exaggerate everything via the printed word and everyone else will turn up and contribute to making these trips what they are… a great experience. Each and every one.

This edition of Peloton news will take a slight departure from the usual recounting of tour heroics.

Yes, I will be covering some of the big moments as we work through the following process…. however I feel a slight shift in format is required to keep things a little fresh.

‘Feedback… it’s the breakfast of champions’…well, so sayeth an old Peloton laggard…. a man who hasn’t edged his cycling beak out of the comfort of his nest (meringue?) for some time.

I couldn’t agree more.

In my stationary cupboard team (I’m proud of each and every one of them), we have deep and intensive feedback sessions…. Not so much your classical 360 degree feedback (i.e. the ‘to me, to you’ type session so favoured by many a progression management guru). No, I like to call mine the 180 sessions… I tell ‘em what I think… if they know what’s good for ‘em, they listen. Easy.

And so my little Peletonistas…. The price of a tour ticket is a seat at the 180 degree listening post. Pin ‘em back please, I feel wisdom a coming…

Dripping

Pros

·      Excellent preparation this year.

·      Did the most miles

·      Talked up his ‘yellow cap’ chances (more to follow on that subject)

·      Didn’t bonk

·      Looked like a giant in some photos

·      Has invented a new shade of pink (Dripink)

·      Didn’t crash

·      Shouted extra rides

Cons

·      ‘Yellow cap’ effort…. A little like that old Morecombe and Wise sketch… all the right clothes… just in the wrong order…

·      Still surging (although much enhanced ability means he now troubles those ahead as opposed to those behind)

·      Still saying a ‘hail Mary’ on every landing. “I always say it and we always land safely”… difficult to argue with… I’ll let Macca stew over the best way to explain correlation

·      Animal cruelty or butchering a pair of beautiful white leather Rapha shoes…. Which is the most morally disturbing?.. … answers stapled to a cat to the usual address please

JT

Pros

·      Got yellow (just).

·      Solid riding

·      Down-hill ability in marginally sketchy conditions was excellent. I watched whilst tailing him. Unusual.. but in mixed conditions, he’s too fast for me.

·      Booked the flights… did all the initial ride prep a couple of years back when he was in one of his awkward ‘between jobs’ situations…. You know the ones…. where he gets rumbled for extracting cash from a large corporate, then somehow manages to get even more cash from said corporate and then lands a promotion with another corporate… who export him to solve a problem (but still give him cash)… realise he ain’t letting go… and then…(it’s a strange noise if you’ve ever heard it)… the corporate just sighs… JT rubs one dry hand against t’other…. And the family moves on. (As an aside, I’m running a book on JT retiring at 50, golden handshake, golf handicap down to single figures, member of an exclusive club…. 3/1. I’m hedging that with an outside bet with the local bookies that sees him busted for snorting coke of the arse of a transsexual rent-person…8/1). Still… he asked for and took no credit for any of the planning this year…. but he deserved it. Well done sunshine.

Cons

·      He still likes to gently wake me at 3am by drinking 2 pints of water in a way you would imagine a parched elephant with a heavy cold might attack a half empty bath…. Seriously… I thought internal organs were going to felch from his nose…

·      People-tolerance levels still only marginally warmer than sub-zero

Damo

Pros

·      Every year we see a little bit more of the true cyclist. Crushingly consistent at the top of the pack

·      Nearly aced yellow as well as pink

·      Aced pink (not just a wrong righted from the year of JT’s catastrophic ‘we’re leaving the Euro’-type pronouncement either… )

·      Shoes

·      Bike

·      Bike

·      Bike

·      Cannondale

·      Bike

·      For Damo.. was surprisingly un-grumpy…and… rode back more than once for a straggler.

·      Bought me breakfast a few days later

·      Relentless replaying of the ‘red nose’ gag on Moley. It was a narrow bandwidth of attack, but it was superbly executed.

·      Cyclist mentality

Cons

·      Has a habit of being dismissive of exceptionally difficult rides. I remember Paris Roubaix… My Comment: “Fuck that was tough eh Damo… I ain’t doin that again…ever”……reply: “was alright.. I’d like to do the full route. It’s only as hard as you make it”.

·      A quiet Mr Sock this year

Macca

Pros

·      Well kitted out… as per…

·      New shit on his bike (it’s like a ‘where’s Wally’ game with Macca… we all know he’s got new shit going on…. But who can spot it?).

·      Consistent riding from the Robot

·      Bought me lunch and talked soothingly to me at the airport. Thank you Macca.

·      How the fuck can a man have that much time off work, not cycle and lose weight… I mean what the fuck…. If I had had a quarter of the ‘leisure time’ that our flying man has had… I would be the size of a house… even our old chum Amesy… he has to work 14 hour days just to keep his biscuit habit the right side of obsessive.

 I genuinely think Mark is half-man, half-machine. I’m going to have a chat with his roomy, Damo. I have a theory that when he goes to bed, he secretly plugs himself in to charge. You can bet your he’s got an Apple lightening connector…. Perish the thought that he would have something as vulgar as a kindle re-charging point.

A little like his over-sized iPhone charging case, Macca has additional spare batter capacity. We saw it a few years ago when he dressed all in white and revealed his penis to the world. (I say penis, on reflection I think we’ve found his charging point.)

Cons

·      Less tolerance than Trump (or should that be fewer, Mark?)

·      Has perfected the withering look (closely followed by the sarcastic smile). This little beauty is normally reserved for Dripping and I when we have the temerity to propose some sort of cycling knowledge… I mean… the very thought….

·      One of 2 people who constantly correct my grammatical meanderings. (In my view apostrophe’s should be used gushingly and with abandon)

Colchester Mac

Pros

·      Enthusiasm

·      Enthusiasm

·      Enthusiasm

·      Dug deep and rode consistently

·      Nearly witnessed our joint demise atop Stelvio… who’d have thunk it… both nearly killed by a motorcycle falling from the sky

Cons

·      Shouting 2 words and 2 words only at Italians (‘Bon journo’… I can still hear it at night when I listen to the wind on cold evenings)

·      Descending as if riding a tandem. Why have the safety of distance when you can have the knife-edge of proximity!

RTA

Pros

·      Very very nearly got Pink.

·      Very strong riding

·      Modest

·      Sacrificed the most difficult climb… one he would have aced.. to support Drip… top effort RTA and it didn’t go unnoticed.

Cons

·      Only one thing here to see folks…. The fake home-made Rapha shoe.

Moley

Pros

·      Took the stick from Damo with broad shoulders

·      Always smiling…

·      The seminal tour moment for me goes to Moley.  Day 3 had me looking deep into my soul… I’ve never crested a more difficult combination than Mortirollo followed immediately by Gavia. I genuinely think it took me near to my cycling edge of pain. But Moley… he laughed in the face of my anguish and he went deeper…. I’ve never seen a man so wracked by the utter effort and ensuing exhaustion… the day Moley crashed through the saloon doors atop Gavia, cowboy-style, slumped down in his seat…. Tears in his eyes, will live with me a long time….a truly heroic effort. No one worked harder that day.

·      Best bike bag by some margin

Cons

·      Starts talking about his chances of winning pink a good 6 months in advance

·      He has publically confused the sun with the moon. Tricky heavenly bodies to differentiate, admittedly. One a sphere of hot plasma, about 300,000 times the mass of the earth, accounting for 99.86% of the total mass of the solar system…. The other a debris strewn dead lifeless satellite with a reflectance marginally greater than asphalt…. I mean it’s a tough spot even with a sharp eye….

 And finally….. me

Pros

·      Didn’t fuck up the planning

Cons

·      Nowhere near enough mileage

·      Didn’t make nearly enough of the Moley ‘moon/sun-confusion’ moment

·      Nearly killed a man in a wheel chair along with the pensioner pushing him

  …and there we have it. Another one is under the belt and locked into the memories

My final reflection takes me back to Damo’s comment in the Alps a couple of years back….

‘Wherever you are, be there’..

When I ride in the mountains and I look up…I am always, always there. Always. The high mountains…..my favourite riding.

Tour selection for G18 will start shortly.

Ride safely my little fuckerettes….

Hoppo

#PelotonNews

[balancednotclean-blog]

The Importance of Perspective When Changing Habits

Binge eating is a habit I have formed that I am in the process of breaking.

It is something I tend to fall back on after certain thought patterns start to set in motion without me disrupting them. I am a true believer in that actions are preceded by thoughts, so there is an intermediary step – processing of said thoughts – that offers itself as a window of opportunity to intercept ourselves before unhelpful behaviours are set in motion.

However, one thing I have noticed over the past YEAR of trying to break this habit is that my perspective ultimately shapes the time that window of opportunity is present. Sometimes, I have hopped, skipped and jumped from thoughts to actions so quickly that I fool myself into thinking that binge eating is ‘inevitable’, when in fact, the process was just hurried, rushed and coming from an unhelpful perspective.

This perspective, unsurprisingly enough, tends to be a negative one. For example, this morning, I had convinced myself that I had ‘utterly failed’ yesterday because I had eaten more than I had planned. I began scheming ways to ‘make up’ for this perceived failure. Guess what? I ended up binging far worse than anything that had occurred yesterday or would have occurred had I just gotten over it.

I had convinced myself that I had completely turned 180 degrees and started walking right back to the ‘start’ (wherever that point may have truly been), and erased progress. This is characteristic of the absolutist thinking (seeing things as black and white rather than shades of grey) that can plague a disordered mind. 

It would have been a far more positive, and far more realistic, perspective to observe how I had instead been wandering slightly off course, and then promptly resume my conquest towards healthier habits. Yersterday’s behaviours did not send me backwards, even though they were not directly aimed at where I want to be. Ultimately, though, I only go backwards and ‘erase’ my progress if I “pack up and go home,” – that is, if I decide to give up.

So what’s this got to do with behaviour change in the longer term? Well, by getting myself in that negative mindset – thinking that I had gone backwards, and thus had ‘distance to make up’, I became desperate. There is a clear distinction between desperation and determination in that desperation is like trying to sprint the whole of a marathon, whereas determination realises the need for consistent pacing to prevent burnout.

I binged again because I tried to make up for the past. Now, unless Doctor Who is real and I can hop in a Tardis and alter my timeline, I can’t ever go back and erase what I’ve already done. That is one of the biggest, cruellest lies that an eating disorder can bring upon you – the promise that you can “make up,” for the past by controlling the present.

We cannot. We never can. No matter how many times our mind tries to promise us that this time we will be able to fix it – we never will be able to change the past.

By obsessing over trying to remove the past, we are undermining the responsibility we need to take for the events that unfolded to begin with. We also undermine our sense of empowerment, as we see every mistake as ‘recoverable’ or ‘compensable’ in some way.

This keeps us in a disordered cycle. We do a disordered thing. We try to make up for said disordered thing. The consequences or mental toll of trying to make up for the disordered action leads us to performing it again. And again. And again. With this, our self-esteem plummets, our health plummets, our hope plummets and our sense of self efficacy plummets. As a result? We become more and more engrained and more and more reliant upon this sense of identity that an eating disorder seems to promise us. Every time we see a ‘slip’ as a complete reversal of our recovery efforts as a failure, the eating disorder gets one step closer to regaining full control.

This does not mean that we have nothing to learn from the past. It would be entirely wrong to suggest that the past is of no use. Crucially, though, we must realise that the past can only serve us as a means for how to change our behaviour in the present and future – and not that it offers a flawed attempt of reconciling past behaviours by obsessing in the present.

Fighting fire with fire – in this case, fighting disorder with coping mechanisms or yet more disorder – perpetuates a vicious circle.

Even if you are not quite ready to ‘forgive’ or even ‘forget’ and ‘love yourself’ like is preached so much on every single wellness blog known to man, realise this: The past is gone. It is gone. It cannot be changed. There may be uncomfortable consequences from the past that affect your present life, but keeping our perspective as one staring backwards means we lose all foresight and intuition for the present.

A realistic perspective widens that window of opportunity to intercept thoughts that precede disordered actions. A realistic perspective slows the process down and encourages us to think, challenge the thoughts, and then decide a means of action.

Solely past-focussed perspectives won’t make now better. Mistakes were made in the past, with that past mindset. Sticking our minds back in that frame of mind and action is therefore going to increase the likelihood of the action happening again.

Regret is a powerful emotion. It can make us want to dig deep and claw at something to create change to release it. Really, though, the best way is to work towards what we can change – the future. Bit by bit. Because even if that future contains things we regret, the healthiest thing we can do is work towards a state where those events are minimised.

Breathe in slowly through your nose for five seconds. Hold it for a further five seconds. Release the breath from your mouth over five seconds, and hold that no-breath state for another five seconds. Repeat this three times.

Think of one thing you can do for a healthier tomorrow, regardless of past actions or even your present state. Something simple, like drinking more water, or getting to bed slightly earlier.

I know how hard it is. I haven’t beaten binging yet. But I know that the days where I focus on propelling myself forward are the ones that lead me towards the best success. And the days and moments AFTER I slip up are the most crucial in terms of getting myself oriented back to my intended path.

I wish you peace of mind. Go on!

#mindset #eating disorder #recovery #ed recovery #anorexia #bulimia #anorexic #bulimic #binge eating #binge eating disorder #eating disorder recovery #tips #help #positive mindset #mindset tips #mindfulness #breathe

[birdsofchristmas]

Chapter 3: A Moose in the Hoose

My aunt and uncle are city folk by origin, though you could hardly tell from their outdoorsy lifestyle punctuated weekly by drives to the mountains outside Banff and Canmore, excursions to Thailand and South America, and shelf upon shelf of books on skiing, mountaineering, and paddling.

It makes sense that the house they chose to live in had just the right balance of city and nature. Last year they’d bought a house in a new development in Northwest Calgary previously occupied solely by herds of moose, white tailed deer and elk. A 20 minute walk from their property reached down to the mighty bow River, fed by glaciers by way of lake Louise and winding through the busiest metropolitan areas of downtown.

“Hands over your heart for the mighty bow” my uncle was often known to say everytime we drove over a bridge from one river bank to the other, telling us stories of the Blackfoot who had settled and hunted and fished in the foothills, pointing to a few clearings where archeology students from the university of Calgary had found evidence of their habitation.

Like it or not whenever you settle down to build a place to call home something or someone is always displaced to some degree. In Vancouver when new condos are built residents in the former run down buildings are sent packing, sometimes to homelessness and other times to a cycle of one insecure housing arrangement to the next.

Further out towards suburbs and outlying bedroom communities trees and forests are the ones displaced. One day you might find yourself walking in a meadow enjoying solitude in nature, the next a mysterious sign with pictures of new houses and roads appears on the edge of the forest property, by the next year the forest is all but disappeared and replaced with scores of new single family houses, in a neighborhood named after the very forest areas demolished to accommodate them- names like “Maple Meadows”, “Eagle Mountain Ridge”, or “Aspen Grove”.

You don’t have to look too far back to realize the truth that for every settling there is an unsettling. In the case of my aunt and uncle’s neighborhood it was the home of a large population of moose being redeveloped. On the bright side it meant if I wanted to see a real live moose up close I wouldn’t have to look very far, or stray too deeply away from my family to do so.

This past winter was their 3rd year on the property, and I was visiting again for Christmas. “Well, nature always finds a way,” my uncle was telling as we drove out of the airport, “When we first moved here there was a controversy because the development was built right near a forest known with hundreds of moose. But now they’re starting to move back in because all the places they eat are here- see if you look to the right here, all those bushes have twigs and rosehips the the moose eat, it’s amazing really a creature that big survives just eating twigs!”

We drove past rivers, natural ponds and rolling hills while he continued, “And you see those patches of aspen trees? The reason the tree trunks are all dark brown near the bottom and still white on the rest is that elk and deer come along and eat the bark, and they can only reach up the tree so far!”

The development couldn’t have asked for a more respectful or appreciative couple to call it home as my aunt and uncle. At some point in every conversation we’d had since they’d moved in the topic of a new animal they’d seen or story they’d heard about the area’s history would come up.

When we arrived at the house my aunt greeted us at the door with coffee. It was early in the morning and she was off to work at their post office while my uncle was on his way to his carpentry work. I rested at the house, took a long nap, and woke in the early afternoon for a walk.

It was -23 and chilly. There was daylight and full visibility but I could hardly see the road. In my mind I’d decided this was less a walk and more a mission to locate the wild moose populations and befriend them. I’d start by introducing myself from 200 metres away, the next day I’d move 180 metres away, slowly making my presence known and creating a sense of familiarity until one day like Jane Goodall’s communing with chimps they would welcome me as one of their own.

I don’t know why I thought this plan would work for finding moose or elk, it hadn’t worked so far with raccoons, rabbits, or coyotes, and had only marginal success with cats and dogs. I spotted a few moose but didn’t get nearly close enough to be regarded as anything even close to familiar. Plus with the cold and wind chill my patience dwindled quickly. At one point I was tracking a set of hoof prints in the snow in a clearing. I walked about 10 feet into the clearing when my left foot broke into a patch of ice sinking knee deep in seconds! I caught myself and fell flat on my face with an OOOF, turned on my back and dragged myself to the shore half-soaked and muddy.

It just figures it was my real foot that fell into the ice, the foot that still feels cold and pain and stubbing and sharp pebbles in the carpet and frostbite! My fake foot meanwhile sat happy and content in a dry shoe the whole way back to the house.

I must have been walking for close to an hour before I fell in the ice because it felt like hours walking home chilly and embarrassed. Was I lost I wondered? No, it’s just over that hill… over the top of the hill there were more hills, more houses, more streets and cars and former wildlife habitats because everything in Calgary looks the same! Having learned my lesson from many previous visits and countless hours being lost I turned on my phone, opening the GPS and google maps. My heart sank as I realized I’d walked 6km in the wrong direction.

My heart sank further when I dragged my feet into the driveway when I also realized I’d forgotten to close the double doors at the rear of the house. Then I noticed there were two sets of footprints in the snow leading to the backyard. There were my footprints and what looked like ones belonging to a clown walking on stilts… with hoof marks…

Now I’ve heard the expression ‘like letting a bull loose in a China shop’ sometimes used to describe my siblings and I in a candy store, but I’d never heard the term 'like letting a moose loose in the kitchen!’ I’d probably just assume the moose would cook brunch and watch a hockey game because I have a strange imagination.

When I walked carefully and quietly into the house and into the kitchen I did not see a moose cooking brunch or watching hockey. I saw a moose trying to open a cupboard with his nose.

The moose must have thought I was a wolf when he smelled me, because at that point he tried to find the nearest exit and use it as such, first slamming his 450 pound body against a wall then bouldering towards the living room! I ran through the kitchen down the hall and upstairs to safety secure in my hope that mooses didn’t know to climb stairs!

I knew the only way to release the moose back into the wild would be to scare him out through the back doors, but that I would probably lose my life doing so. But how do you scare a moose? I knew the way to scare a black bear was to make a ton of noise, the way to scare a cougar was to open your jacket and make yourself look big, the way to scare a cat was turning on the vacuum, and there was no way to scare a grizzly bear so the best thing to do if I saw one up close was to make peace with God.

I took off my coat and paced back and forth in the hallway upstairs trying to think of what to do. Meanwhile the moose casually sauntered back into the kitchen and went back to work on opening the cupboard.

I decided eventually the best idea would be banging a pot until I could open the double doors and scare the moose out, only I couldn’t reach a pot since the moose was occupying the kitchen… then I remembered there was a stainless steel heron ornament in the corner of the staircase I’d bought my aunt as a housewarming gift. I didn’t have a wooden spoon upstairs either, so I opted for my bamboo toothbrush instead.

I crept down with stairs with the heron in one hand and the toothbrush in the other, slowly at first, then I started stomping and yelling in a mad rush to face the forces of nature head on and prevail! Shocked and wild-eyed the moose barreled back into the living room and in a burst of energy I bolted into the hall leading to the back garage door pounding the open switch and rolling under and out into the front yard!

My pace never broke as I rounded the house to the front picture window. I looked up, huffing and puffing, and there in the window was the moose, calmly and serenely beginning to eat scraps of evergreen off the Christmas tree. I banged on the window but the moose didn’t stir an inch. I tried the front door and it was locked, so I ran back to the garage door, arriving just in time to hear a wooden thud as the automatic gear had closed it. I stomped towards the double doors in time to hear them slam closed too, blown shut by the wind leaving me stranded in the cold. I reached for my keys and remembered they were in the left pocket of my coat!  

When animal control arrived I was turning almost blue except for my prosthetic leg which was a consistent silver shade from the titanium and carbon fibre. One of the neighbors had called the RCMP telling them he had seen a crazed man running out of the house yelling and waving a sharp looking metal object. At first he thought it was a domestic dispute until he saw Bullwinkle sitting in the front picture window contentedly picking away at the Christmas tree, and if mooses could smile and chuckle I was sure the moose was doing that too.

And just as you’d imagine how the aftermath of a bull in a china shop would look, the clean and meticulously tidy house looked just like a giant moose had bumbled through it, made himself breakfast and fell asleep in the living room before being lead back to the woods, complete with muddy hoof marks on the carpet and scrapes on the wall from the wild heron. My aunt eventually returned home to see me sitting in the back of a police cruiser in the driveway, trying to warm up and think of how I was going to explain this to her and my uncle.

I imagine the moose had every right to tromp through the house uninvited. In fact there’s a good chance the moose was born in the very yard the house was built. Perhaps he recognized the smell of the soil, or the way the breeze rolled off the plains towards the lawn, down a certain series of hills before settling down in a location that catches a certain amount of good sunlight, where the best tasting rosehips for miles just so happened to grow well in abundance. The moose may have remembered the spot from his childhood, returning there as often as the sun rose to rest in the shade of the new house. And lucky him that day, the owner of the house left the door open inviting him in.

I felt that day I was a guest in the moose’s house instead of the other way around. I was happy to enjoy the moose’s hospitality, even happy to return to meet him again on occasion, meeting his family of other young mooses who would grow to regard my aunt and uncles’ neighborhood with the same instinctive fondness their ancestors had, before any of them had ever heard of humans or front lawns or rows and rows of nearly identical houses lined with lights on every tree.