#it is also the last episode next week and i am terrified!!! :D | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kuiinncedes · 3 years

Text

relight that spark

jatp au - chapter 1 - part 2/15? - 9,385 words

the prologue/part 1 (tumblr link) if you missed it!! (ao3 link) :D

so obviously this is pretty slowly updating already and it probably willll get worse 🤪 i might post the next part in like a week tho, it's not a full "episode" chapter and i already have it fully written and i'm pretty happy with it 😗✌️

this chapter is pretty long and i apologize for that bc i know i get annoyed when i have to stop in the middle of a long chapter and then my phone like loses my spot or whatever lakdshgjfs but idk how else to do it so .. just have my apology lol sorryyy <3 the next "episode" chapter is looking to be longer tho sdlkhglsj

LASTLY BUT NOT LEASTLY A HUGE MASSIVE FUCKING THANK YOU TO MEG @neversatisfiedwithlife FOR BETA READING THIS FOR MEEEE AND BEING SO SUPPORTIVE AND WONDERFUL LOVE YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SM 💞💖💓💗💕

chapter title and lyrics in this part from "wake up" from the julie and the phantoms soundtrack (whichhh if you haven't heard it... you should listen to it after reading maybe 👀)

plot and a lot of the dialogue from julie and the phantoms so like credit to all those creators and writers 🤪

warnings for this chapter: grief, mentioned character death (regarding kurt's mom)

read below the cut or here on ao3!! <3

2020

There’s a deep-seated weight of dread in Kurt’s stomach that he’s unable to ignore for the entire morning.

His last chance at the music program -- he needs to play again today, for the first time in over a year, or he’s done.

It’s all he can think about all day. He makes it through his first few classes, somehow, walking through the halls almost mindlessly, thoughts far away and only worrying about what he’s going to do, barely paying attention to who he’s almost running into, because he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

It almost feels like last year again, when school started and everyone knew and everyone was staring at him in the hallways, even though he knows that they’re not right now and he knows most of these people couldn’t care less about him not being able to play at this point, but in his head it feels like they all know, like they’re all waiting, waiting and watching for him to play again and sing again.

He has been, too, for over a year.

He stops at his locker to wait for Mercedes before going to class.

“We’re gonna get tattoos together,” comes her familiar voice out of nowhere.

Involuntarily, Kurt smiles a little, turning to Mercedes. “Umm…?”

She shrugs and smiles back at him. “You know, when we’re adults and out in New York together or something. Just -- you know, at some point.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow, silently saying, where the hell did this come from. Mercedes raises both of hers as if to say, answer the question. “Just curious,” she adds out loud. “Could start planning them now.”

He chuckles. “Of course. I’ll get all the matching tattoos with you.”

Grins and silent agreement pass between them and they both turn toward the lockers, a welcome break in the slowest part of the day, the voices and noises of other students filling the air.

“I know you don’t want me to ask, but…” Mercedes starts slowly after a moment, and Kurt nods his head in acknowledgement; he knows what she’s going to say. “Do you know what you’re going to do today?”

He puts some books in his backpack, mainly for something to do. “I’ll know in the moment,” he says, somewhat truthfully. He could just say what he thinks will happen, which is nothing. But Mercedes can see right through him anyway, so might as well stay somewhat positive until it happens. Or rather, doesn’t happen.

Mercedes sighs a little. “Mrs. Harrison said today is your last chance,” she tries, leaning on her side against the lockers.

“I know, I was there,” Kurt says lightly, letting his eyes scan the contents of his locker a tenth time. Mercedes reaches over and squeezes his hand lightly. Her eyes tell him that she’ll stop talking about it for now, and he squeezes back gratefully.

The conversation with Mercedes has really helped, though; it always does. If he’s going to spectacularly embarrass himself in front of his music class, and probably for the last time, at least he’ll have Mercedes there.

She sees it in his smile, and she sends it back. You always will, is her silent whisper.

A sharp, cheery voice pierces the air and makes them both turn their heads, and the uplifted mood from the conversation with Mercedes disappears when Kurt sees none other than Quinn Fabray, in her Cheerios! uniform, complete with a tight ponytail and perfect smile as she hands out what appears to be flyers to passing students, who are immediately won over by her status, closeness, sweetness. Finn Hudson lingers behind her with his guitar case and his own stack of flyers that he’s not handing out nearly as enthusiastically.

“Spirit rally Friday!” Quinn’s saying as she all but shoves another flyer into the face of a nervous freshman who takes it and scurries away, doing a double-take once they pass her. “Come see the Cheerios! do their new routine, and my group, the Unholy Trinity, perform our brand new original song!”

“What’s she handing out?” Kurt whispers to Mercedes. A corner of his lip quirks up despite the general unpleasantness of seeing Quinn.

“Desperation?” she answers with a small smirk. When Kurt turns back, Quinn is in front of him. He holds back a grimace at her fake smile and cheeriness.

“Hey, guys!” she chirps, as if they’re just any two other students at this school. “Here you go, my group’s performing at the spirit assembly on Friday!”

Kurt flinches back a little as a flyer appears much too close to his face and he takes it instinctively, holding it lightly in his fingertips. It truly looks like something Quinn designed -- perfectly professional, impressive, eye-catching -- and he can’t say it looks bad, as much as he might want to. He eyes Quinn over the top of the flyer.

“I’m sure you guys have nothing better to do,” Quinn continues, that smile still on her face, and there are the claws, Kurt thinks as he resists the urge to rip up the flyer right in front of her.

“Oh, my gosh, Quinn, thank you!” Mercedes says in an exaggeratedly sweet voice, clearly -- or at least clearly to Kurt, and likely Quinn as well -- imitating the specific tone of voice that Quinn takes, and Kurt stifles a laugh.

“Oh my gosh, Cedes, don’t bother coming!” Quinn says with a wide smile, turning away with a whip of her ponytail to continue pushing her flyers.

Kurt looks back at Mercedes, mumbling, “She did not just call you Cedes,” while Mercedes crumples up the flyer in her hands.

“Well, she did,” Mercedes says. Kurt can see the anger behind her eyes and he raises a concerned eyebrow. “I’m fine. She just… you know.” She dismisses his silent question.

“Yeah.” He loops his arm through Mercedes’ and they head down the hallway, almost running into Finn not three steps from Kurt’s locker.

“Oh, hey, sorry guys!” he says with a sheepish but genuine smile that contains all the warmth missing from Quinn’s. “Did you -- I guess Quinn already got -- ”

“Yep, she got to us,” Cedes says quickly, steering Kurt around Finn. “Thanks, Finn, bye!”

“Please tell me you are over him,” Mercedes says when they’re in a quieter area at the end of the row of lockers. Kurt realizes he’s staring and quickly looks away.

“Yeah, I am.” Mercedes looks at him skeptically and he insists, “I am, promise! You just… don’t find a nice jock like him around here that much.”

She nods, satisfied, and raises her eyebrows meaningfully. “You know they’re going to get married and have a bunch of demon babies.”

Kurt’s jaw drops open slightly and he laughs. “You can’t say Finn isn’t a sweetheart.”

“Only one of them has to be a demon to make a demon baby,” Mercedes says matter-of-factly.

“What… it’s a dominant gene?”

“Of course.” Mercedes turns back toward Quinn and raises her voice. “Demon!”

The two of them push against the wall, hiding behind the end of the lockers, when Quinn snaps her gaze back. Kurt can’t hold his laughs in this time, and he feels a little bad about it, but… considering what Quinn’s done to them, he can let himself and Cedes get away with it.

“There’s that smile,” Mercedes says gently as they gather themselves. “Now let’s go prove everybody wrong.” She pulls him toward the music room and slowly but surely, the sickening feeling in his stomach returns. He sits down next to Mercedes and just breathes. She squeezes his hand again.

Mrs. Harrison starts class soon after they arrive, getting into the last of the progress performances which are both a chance for the students to show off to their classmates, and also a checkpoint for participation in the music program, which is the part Kurt’s concerned about.

He barely hears as Finn finishes his drum solo and everyone claps and then Mrs. Harrison is calling his name and he’s standing and walking to the piano and oh god.

“Take your time,” Mrs. Harrison says gently.

That’s all he’s been doing for almost a year, just taking his time, but nothing has come of it. He sits down slowly, opening his music in front of him but it’s like his eyes don’t see the notes and just gloss over the page. He looks down at the keys, sets his fingers in place reluctantly.

It’s been so long that the keys almost feel foreign under his fingers when they once were the most familiar thing in the world. It’s been so long that he barely remembers how the song should go and why did he think he could just do this, it doesn’t matter how good at sightreading he’s always been. It’s been so long of him locking the memories in a chained and padlocked safe in the back of his mind and he’s terrified of playing again being what opens it because playing and singing and music has always always meant Mom, and she’s gone which he still sometimes forgets and it always hurts like hell to remember again, so letting himself remember so much more will only make reality that much worse. It’s been so long and what if he’s forgotten, what if he opens himself to the memories just to find that they don’t exist anymore?

It’s been so long; it’s been over a year, but doesn’t that mean he should be fine by now?

He knows avoiding the memories hasn’t been the best idea, but right now he can’t think of anything he could have done differently, can’t linger and regret his choices because he feels so vulnerable and exposed finally sitting at the piano in front of his whole class for the first time in a year, and the choice is right there and maybe he could do it but not in front of everyone his brain screams, and he can almost feel Quinn’s sharp, judging, so far from friendly gaze fixed on him and that is what breaks it, that is something he definitely can’t take and he pulls his hands back with a short inhale and the whirlwind in his mind stops and he can mostly breathe again.

It’s been so long.

Heart still pounding, he gets up and apologizes to Mrs. Harrison because she really has tried to help him and he appreciates it but he still can’t, and Quinn makes some comment and Mercedes fires something back but he doesn’t hear any of it, he just has to leave.

He knows Mercedes follows him out and she calls out his name when he’s halfway down the stairs. He’s started crying at some point and he doesn’t know when. All of it is just such a mess and so present in his mind; he was so close to music again, to Mom, but he’s not ready. He’s scared.

“Kurt,” Cedes calls again, quieter, her voice soft and choked, pleading. “Come on, please. Come back… and show them you can sing .”

He turns to look at her at the top of the stairs. “I can’t,” he says, voice rough with tears. “I’ve tried, for over a year I’ve tried…. I’ve tried for Dad, I’ve tried for Mrs. Harrison, fuck, I’ve even tried for Quinn.” He gives a short, bitter laugh as more tears spill down his cheeks.

“I’ve tried so hard for you.” He gestures up to her, voice breaking. “I’ve tried for Mom.” He closes his eyes for a moment, takes a breath. “And I’ve tried for myself.” Mercedes is also crying a little now.

“For over a year, I’ve tried,” Kurt continues weakly. “But I just -- I can’t. Not… not now.”

He runs down the rest of the stairs and out the door, and he knows he just got himself kicked out of music, knows he just ruined everything.

From mercedes 💖, 2:04 pm:

Are you leaving?

From mercedes 💖, 2:06

Tell me when you get home. I love you

To mercedes 💖, 2:08 pm:

i will, at the park for now

From mercedes 💖, 2:10 pm:

I’ll bring your stuff around later.

To mercedes 💖, 2:10 pm:

thank you

To mercedes 💖, 2:11 pm:

i love you. i’m sorry

From mercedes 💖, 2:12 pm:

Nothing to be sorry for, just take care of yourself okay?

From mercedes 💖, 2:13 pm:

Give yourself a hug from me until I get there to do it for you

“Hey, kiddo, how was your day?” Burt asks as he walks in, putting a hand on Kurt’s shoulder who’s doing homework at the kitchen table.

“It was okay,” Kurt responds with a small but hopefully convincing smile to hide the worry eating away at him inside, because if the school’s already contacted his dad about today, about Kurt ruining his last chance…

“I gotta go again in a bit,” Burt says, taking a drink of water. “Some guy really needs a car fix by tomorrow morning, but I’ll be done by dinner.” Kurt nods, some relief flooding his veins. He turns back to his homework.

“Oh, another thing,” Burt says and Kurt stiffens again. “I wanted to come and check in with you -- I talked to a real estate agent today, and they said if we’re serious about selling the house, we need to take some pictures and stuff, clean everything… and I was wondering if you’re up for cleaning Mom’s studio?”

Kurt’s immediate surprise and hesitance must show on his face even as he tries to keep his composure, because Burt quickly assures, “It’s okay if you’re not ready, I promise; we have time. You know I just -- I wouldn’t even know where to start in there.”

Kurt smiles a little. “No, it’s okay,” he says. “I can try tonight.”

“Awesome.” Burt ruffles Kurt’s hair, which from anyone else other than maybe Mercedes would not end particularly well, but Kurt just laughs and tries to brush the loose strands out of his eyes. “I’ll see you later, Kurt. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Dad.”

Kurt exhales slowly as his dad leaves again.

Cleaning out the studio means having to confront exactly what he’s tried to avoid for a year. The disaster that was music class today doesn’t make him feel better about it… but at least this time he’ll be alone -- none of the pressure of having to live up to the standards of well-meaning teachers or aggressive ex-best friends, none of the pressure of having to play at all, especially from the competitive nature at school. And… maybe he needs it.

Moving from here will only help you move on. Kurt’s aunt’s words echo in his mind. A part of him recoils at the idea of leaving his childhood home -- leaving the spaces his mom used to inhabit and her light and energy used to fill to the brim -- and starting over, someplace where there are none of those memories… he can’t tell if that��s a good thing. It feels like more of the running away that he’s been doing for a year, and he wonders if it really will solve anything.

But maybe he does need it. If staying in this house for the last year hasn’t helped, a change would be good, right?

Turning back to his work, he takes a deep breath and starts planning dinner in his head. He’ll tackle the studio after dinner’s ready.

To Dad, 7:39 pm:

dinner’s done, i’ll be in the studio

Kurt takes a slow breath as he opens the doors to the garage.

It’s not that it’s his first time in the studio after his mom died -- someone had to water the plants -- but he kept any interaction with the rest of the room minimal, so it still feels different to take in the full space instead of just rushing to the plants in the back with his head down. It always came with some guilt; it felt like the least he could do to keep some life in the studio when he could barely even bring himself to enter, let alone fill it with music as it needs to be.

He walks in slowly, some apprehension tickling the back of his neck, trying to stay calm. The familiarity is almost overwhelming this time as he looks around, actually taking in the room. The guitars on the wall, the couch and table, all of his mom’s decorations and knick-knacks. The chairs on the ceiling, story told with a fond smile from his dad about his mom wanting to decorate in a fun special way even while 7 months pregnant. The plants in the back, flourishing in front of the wall of windows positioned to let in the sunrise beautifully, not that Kurt has seen it happen recently.

And the grand piano -- in the center of the room, covered with a sheet, neglected for over a year. Kurt pulls it off now absentmindedly, letting the fabric pool over his feet. He takes a deep breath even though he probably just filled the air with dust, and goes over to the bench. He doesn’t open the lid, not yet. Some sheet music is on the seat and he places it on the piano without looking, sits down and gently touches the fallboard, inhaling shakily, not opening it to reveal the keys but just… remembering what it used to be, what it used to -- still means….

“I’m so sorry, Mom,” he whispers, eyes fluttering shut, “that I haven’t been here.”

With his eyes closed against the dark emptiness of the room, he can almost forget. It’s too easy to think that when he opens his eyes, his mom will be there, and she’ll be writing a song with him, or she’ll be playing, or they’ll just be talking…

Before the idea can flood his mind and leave him reeling when he returns to reality, Kurt stands and looks around the room again. There really is a strangeness to the place now. What used to be so comfortable and an extension of home -- sometimes even more home than the main house -- was always warm and brimming with emotion and joy and music and life -- now cold and dark and hollow, quiet. The familiar bones have an unsettling foreign emptiness around them. It feels wrong.

It needs to be filled. But… Kurt can’t do that.

He misses his mom -- always, but it’s amplified in this space that was always hers. He misses the feeling that the studio used to bring, that spirit that is now dimmed and suppressed. Covered, but still there. He can feel it like a gentle heat behind his skin. Not bad, but overwhelming, and he just….

The loft, Kurt decides suddenly. He’ll start with the loft. There aren’t memories and emotions so confusing and thick there that he’s barely able to avoid it, to push his way through with no energy left to untangle and understand. The loft is just full of random old stuff that his mom wouldn’t throw out and his dad teased her about.

So the loft first. And then he can ease into the rest when he’s more ready. After all, his dad did say they have time.

It’s significantly dustier in the loft; old instruments and random bags full of clothes are scattered and piled across the floor, his own electric keyboard propped up against the wall. Kurt stands on the stepladder a few steps below the actual loft floor, looks around a little, his eyes landing on a CD case lying on the ground -- black with a simple stark white word design: Sunset Curve. He picks it up, eyeing it thoughtfully, brings it back down to the main floor and decides to put it into the old CD player.

He doesn’t really know why he has such an urge all of a sudden. He’s listened to some music, but not nearly as much as before, and has actually chosen to listen to music only a handful of times since his mom died.

But… the studio needs music. As an apology for a year of neglect, and as a goodbye, he can let this music redeem the studio’s spirit a little, fill what he’s left hollow.

And he doesn’t want to be alone in the silence with his memories while he’s going through everything, even just in the loft. As something completely unfamiliar and random, this can give him the distraction and none of the pain. At least, that’s the plan.

Stepping down from the loft stairs, he glances at the picture in the CD case as he opens it -- a band of four who all look like teenagers, staring seriously into the camera -- he doesn’t get a good look at them, just slides the disc into the CD player and takes a seat on the couch.

The opening song starts strong with a gritty guitar riff and a 1, 2, 3! counting the band in. Despite himself, Kurt starts nodding along to the beat. It really is a great song, unique and upbeat…

Then some kind of… panicked screaming makes itself heard, first quietly and he thinks it could be part of the song, but it crescendos and gets unbearably loud --

And then there are three strangers appearing out of thin air before his eyes, screaming as they fall to the ground heavily. Kurt would wince at the sound of the impact --

That part’s certainly unlike any CD he’s listened to before.

He’s frozen, heart hammering and eyes widening as he stares at the three strangers picking themselves up off the ground, taking in their surroundings a little…

“How’d we get back here?” the middle one -- a shorter guy with black hair -- says breathlessly.

Kurt screams.

It’s not his finest moment, but three complete strangers just appeared in his mom’s studio, seemingly just popping into the air, and he can’t say he’s never been superstitious in his entire life or that he isn’t drawing immediate conclusions -- supernatural conclusions, fucking ridiculous conclusions. He doesn’t love that he runs into his dad on his way back into the house which may have also involved a little yelling about seeing ghosts (ghosts who screamed back, for the record), but he makes it to the safety of his room and texts Mercedes frantically, who doesn’t respond.

“Come on, Cedes,” he hisses to himself, shooting off another text. “Answer me!”

A knock from his doorway startles him and he just barely manages to hold back a shout, turning to see his dad leaning into his room hesitantly.

“You okay?”

Kurt gives him what must be a hysterical-looking attempt at a reassuring smile, all wide eyes and clenched teeth. “Yeah, no, totally fine, sorry for -- scaring you,” he replies choppily, tone not even convincing to himself. “Just, um, practicing for a school play.”

Burt definitely doesn’t believe him, but nods slowly anyway. “Well, I’m gonna go clean up -- ” He gestures over his shoulder with a grease-covered hand. “Dinner in like, ten minutes?”

“Yeah. Sounds good,” Kurt says shortly, forcing another smile and a thumbs-up.

As soon as the door closes, Kurt turns back toward his window and tries to get a glance of the studio, but it’s blocked from this angle by the trees in their yard. Apprehensively, he heads back to the garage, thankfully not running into his dad this time, phone in hand and thumb hovering over Mercedes’ phone contact.

When he goes in, it’s empty; no sign of anything out of the ordinary happening.

He scans the space warily, feeling jumpy and nervous, but nothing happens and he mumbles, “I know I saw something, I’m not crazy.”

He hears a soft popping noise and then, “Well, we’re all a little crazy,” from behind him and he turns with a sharp gasp.

“Oh, my god, who are you?” Kurt yells, maybe a little too loud because the black-haired boy winces slightly and all three of them step back a little. “What the hell are you doing in my mom’s studio?”

“Your mom’s studio?” the black-haired guy scoffs. “This is our studio!”

The tall blonde guy bounces forward. “Yeah, like, the piano’s new, but -- ” He looks to the right and his face lights up. “My couch!” he calls, running over and jumping straight onto it.

The girl -- hair black and in braids -- rolls her eyes. “Not your couch, Sam.”

The blonde -- Sam? -- sits up indignantly, stabbing a finger in the cushions. “Hey, I spent more time on this couch than any of you. Pretty sure it’s mine at this point.”

Kurt just watches them with wide eyes, jaw hanging open, with absolutely no idea what to do.

“But these aren’t our instruments,” the black-haired guy says warily, looking around. At some point he and the girl have linked arms, Kurt notices. He watches as they all take in the studio, faces getting increasingly confused and worried. Kurt raises an eyebrow that apparently can go higher than it already is.

“Because… it’s my mom’s studio…” he manages to say again, mind still whirling at the hurricane of new and completely nonsensical information.

“Can you just -- give us a minute?” Sam says, jumping over the coffee table to join his friends. They turn away to talk in a huddle, and Kurt stands awkwardly as they talk in failed attempts at hushed tones.

Tina’s trying to ignore the pounding of her possibly-only-theoretical heart -- she’s dead, how can she even feel a heartbeat -- as she watches Blaine and Sam talk to the… living person in front of them. Sam makes his usual comment about “his couch” and Tina snarks back with her usual response and it gives her some comfort, some familiarity even in this studio which should feel like home, has for so long, and it still does to an extent, but everything here is suddenly different.

The comment does send the strange boy’s attention back to her, though, which she doesn’t really like. Blaine wraps an arm around hers and she squeezes his forearm in gratitude. He did that a lot when they were alive -- knew how and when to offer her his touch to reassure her a little.

At least there’s something that’s still the same.

At least her boys are still the same.

She tries to focus on Blaine’s arm in hers, on Sam’s dumb comments as he comes bounding back to them, hissing, “Guys, what is going on here?”

Tina shrugs. Blaine whispers, “Who is he?”

“He can hear you,” the person in question says pointedly from behind them, but Sam ignores him and says, “Maybe he’s a witch.” He looks up, pointing. “There are chairs on the ceiling.”

“There’s no such thing as witches,” Tina hisses.

“Are you sure?” Sam shoots back. “Because I used to think there was no such thing as ghosts!”

Tina swallows. “That’s fair.”

“So we’re going with witch?” Blaine asks.

“No!” Tina waves her hands at both of them. “No, come on. You guys are just -- he’s probably just overwhelmed, okay? Let someone with a softer touch handle this.”

Maybe “softer touch” wasn’t the right phrase to use in this instance, she thinks, but she really just wants answers and figures she might as well be straightforward. “Why are you in our studio?” she asks, maybe a little too aggressively, stepping up to the alive stranger.

He looks down with a shocked expression and Tina realizes she accidentally got close enough to touch him -- or… pass her hand through his, partially. They both watch as he brings his hand through hers again. It’s a weird feeling -- warm and kind of tingly, or like she’s putting her hand through water.

“Oh my god,” he says, eyes wide. “How did you do that?”

Tina raises their eyebrows a little. “Okay, clearly you don’t -- clearly, he doesn’t get it,” she says, addressing the guys behind her. She turns back to the stranger, gesturing to herself and the others as she explains, “We’re ghosts. We’re just three ghosts, and we’re really happy to be home, so… thank you for the flowers; they really brighten up the room.” She tries to smile at him.

“We’re actually in a band called Sunset Curve,” Blaine pipes up, stepping up to flank her on the left.

“Tell your friends!” chimes Sam on her right.

“Last night was a really big night for us,” Blaine says, a little sadly. “It was gonna change our lives.”

Tina whispers, “Uh, I’m pretty sure it did.” Blaine huffs and elbows her gently.

“This is freaking me out,” the stranger says, shaking his head as he takes something from his pocket.

“What is that; what are you doing?” Blaine asks.

Alive Stranger looks up, fingers still touching the face of the object. “It’s my phone -- nope, stop talking to them! There’s no such thing as cute ghosts,” he says, seemingly to himself.

Sam gasps. “Think we’re cute?” He raises an eyebrow, making one of his insufferable Sam faces; Tina almost laughs.

The boy looks up again with wide eyes, gaze flitting to each of them as if watching for a reaction, swallowing and going back to his phone.

“Who’re you calling?” Tina asks, trying to see the side facing him because that doesn’t look like any phone she’s ever seen.

“I’m googling Sunset Swerve.”

“Sunset Curve!” Blaine, Sam, and Tina correct him at the same time, Sam drawing a curve in the air with his finger.

The stranger laughs nervously, staring at them with wide eyes and then back at his phone. “Okay… so there is a Sunset Curve.” He swallows again. “You guys did die. But not last night.” Tina’s stomach drops a little; Blaine and Sam get closer.

“Twenty-five… years ago,” the boy finishes, a confused look in his eyes.

Tina barely has time to register this before Sam says, “That’s impossible. All we did after we floated out of the car was go to that weird dark room where Tina cried.”

Her mouth drops open. “I wasn’t -- I -- we -- ” she squeaks, voice jumping up an octave. “I think we were all pretty upset,” she says, but she supposes Sam is right.

He pats her back and doesn’t have a chance to respond again because Blaine steps in, “That was just for, like, an hour, though. We just showed up here.” Tina and Sam nod.

“Look,” the living one says, finally turning his “phone” toward them. They lean forward to see a screen with a photo of them -- and Artie, Tina thinks distantly; she feels his absence acutely and it spikes through her chest -- taken for their summer tour, and a bunch of small text around it that she can’t read, a bold headline at the top reading, Sunset Curve: A Hollywood Tragedy. “I’m just telling you what my phone says,” he explains. “You guys died in 1995. It’s now 2020.”

“So this is the future?” Sam asks incredulously as the boy pulls his phone back. Something else sticks out in Tina’s mind, though.

“So -- it has been twenty-five years,” she says, pausing to gather her thoughts. “I have been crying for twenty-five years -- how is that possible?!”

“You’re a very emotional person,” Sam reasons.

“I am not!” she insists, but the tears already pressing in the back of her throat want to prove otherwise. Distantly, she reminds herself that she’s with her friends who’ve seen it all and she doesn’t need to hold back, but the presence of this complete stranger also overrides the ease of her relationship with the guys. Sam rubs a comforting hand over her shoulder, and she swallows the tears down.

Alive Stranger shakes his head. “I gotta go… eat dinner,” he says slowly. He turns back around once he’s walked past the three of them and says, “Look, I’m really sorry for what happened to you guys, but this isn’t your studio anymore. You have to leave.”

“But we -- ” Blaine starts, starting to go forward but a sharp glare stops him and he clears his throat. “We didn’t even get your name.”

“It’s Kurt,” the stranger snaps.

“Cool, I’m -- Blaine,” Blaine says hesitantly. “And this is…”

“Sam, hey.”

“Tina, how’s it going…”

“Ba-da,” Blaine sings weakly, gesturing his hands in front of them like he’s presenting them to Kurt.

They all watch for Kurt’s reaction, but he just sighs and leaves the studio. He leaves the doors open, probably to remind them that they technically just got kicked out of their studio -- or, Kurt’s mom’s studio -- someone’s studio, but really it’s been their home for so long…

“Kurt seems nice,” Sam says cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood.

Tina turns to him. “Did you miss the part where he kicked us out, or…” she says drily. Sam shrugs, a hint of a smirk on his face. “Okay,” Tina mutters, turning to wander around the studio some more. If they’re going to be kicked out, she wants to spend as much more time as she can here.

Kurt’s mind is a storm. He doesn’t know where to start with this new information -- with an evening that took such a sharp turn from reminiscing and sad and somewhat painful into just… something so completely different and unexpected.

Dinner Kurt can do. He can put the craziness of ghosts aside because dinner is easy, dinner is simple; dinner is important.

His dad has already set everything out so Kurt takes his seat across from him, sending a not-completely-true nvm everything’s fine, sorry for worrying you text to Mercedes, who finally got back to him at some point when he was distracted…

Distracted talking to ghosts.

“How’s it going?” Burt asks as he sits down and it takes Kurt a second to remember he must be talking about cleaning the studio, and not actually about ghost musicians.

Ghosts don’t exist. There are no ghosts in the garage. Don’t think about ghosts.

“It’s good,” Kurt says, poking at his food a little. “I’m starting with the loft.”

Burt smiles. “Those old instruments need a home.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says, returning the smile. “Mom would like that.”

The instruments probably belong to some ghosts, Kurt realizes, but… nothing he can really do about that. And that’s if the ghosts can even touch objects.

They eat in comfortable silence for a while and then Burt sets down his fork. Kurt looks up apprehensively.

“So I got an email from the school today,” he starts. Kurt fiddles with his fork and drops his gaze.

“Hey, it’s okay, Kurt, I’m not mad,” Burt promises.

You should be, Kurt thinks -- all that money spent for him to audition for and attend the music program, and for private lessons and sheet music and piano maintenance, just for him to throw it all away.

“I know those classes can be hard,” his dad says, and Kurt almost can’t take his gentle tone, feels guilty about it even though he appreciates it. “But… you still like music, don’t you?”

Kurt shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe?”

“I know the memories are hard, believe me, Kurt. But, every time I see you, I see Mom, you know? And I love that, I really do. Maybe, if you give yourself a chance, you can, too.” Kurt looks up hesitantly to see his dad’s gentle, loving expression and eyes slightly glassy with tears. Looking down again, he swallows, and nods.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I will. I’ll try.”

Because what he said to Mercedes earlier on the staircase is true, but… he’ll always try harder for his dad.

“It’s okay, Kurt,” Burt assures him. “We’ll figure it out, I promise.”

Kurt smiles and almost starts eating again, but music suddenly blares from outside, startling both of them, Kurt barely holding back a loud swear.

“What is that?” Burt says, getting up but Kurt rushes to reassure him, saying quickly, “I must have just left the CD player on in the garage! It’s fine, I’ll go get it!”

He runs back to the studio where the ghosts are still there apparently, and have somehow gotten instruments from the loft and set everything up to start playing, and play really loudly -- and it honestly sounds good but Kurt can’t focus on that because they’re going to disturb the entire neighborhood and get the cops called on them for a noise complaint and what is he supposed to say -- no officer, it was just the three ghosts in the garage being idiots, sorry?

Kurt yells for them to stop but it’s useless; he can barely even hear himself over how incredibly loudly they’re playing. Blaine, on an electric guitar that Kurt remembers seeing in the loft, turns and sees Kurt, walking towards him and finally playing one last chord when Kurt makes a horizontal cutting motion with his hand, and Sam, on the bass, follows, Tina playing one last short drum roll, looking up with a wide grin.

They all look… alive, Kurt thinks, despite literally being dead, so different from the confusion he left them with -- relaxed and loose and faces lit up, the energy flowing through them almost visible. If he didn’t know they were ghosts and made of air, he’d expect to be able to reach out and feel them, breaths hot and fast from the exertion and adrenaline, skin warm and slightly sweaty, hearts beating strong like the steady percussion of their band.

It reminds him of how music used to make him feel.

“Cut it out!” Kurt snaps, trying not to raise his voice too much. “The whole neighborhood could hear you! I thought I told you to leave!”

Blaine looks back at his bandmates, bewildered. “People -- people can hear us play?”

“Yes!” Kurt says exasperatedly. “My dad heard you from inside!”

“… What did he think?” Blaine asks after a moment. Kurt opens his mouth for an irritated response --

“Everything okay in here?”

Kurt whips around to see his dad in the doorway and smiles with wide eyes. “Yeah! I just -- had to turn off the CD player,” he lies.

People have told Kurt before that he’s a good liar; he really hopes that’s true after the evening he’s had -- he's having.

Burt’s attention is elsewhere, though, seemingly forgetting about the chaos from just a moment earlier. “Wait, is this the junk that was in the loft?” he says, excitedly eyeing the instruments and… the ghosts that he can’t see.

“Junk?” Blaine exclaims. Tina stands up, her eyes on Burt, drumsticks gripped tightly in one hand.

They all watch apprehensively as Burt weaves through the instruments, even going so far as to rattle Tina’s cymbals and tap the drums, much to her horror. She fixes Kurt with wide, urgent eyes, to which Kurt just shrugs and gives her a helpless look. Hey Dad, actually, the ghost drummer wants you to stop, so…

“Hey, this stuff’s in pretty good shape,” Burt says excitedly. “Maybe we can make a couple bucks, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kurt agrees weakly, mostly just watching as Tina fails to push Burt away from the drums.

“I like the song you had on,” Burt says, finally stepping away from the instruments. Tina rubs down a cymbal with her sleeve.

“Sweet! We’re Sunset Curve,” Blaine pipes up.

“Tell your friends!” Sam says, to a fond eye-roll from Tina.

“It’s just an old CD I found,” Kurt says, ripping his attention from the ghosts.

“Well, it’s nice that you’re listening to music again,” Burt says sincerely. “Out here, you can play whatever you want, whenever you want.” He waves his hands out on either side for emphasis, going through Sam and Blaine’s bodies. Kurt chuckles weakly.

“Oh,” Sam says, looking down at where Burt’s hand was in his stomach just a moment before. “That’s nice.”

“Stay out of this,” Kurt hisses.

“Sorry, Kurt, I’m just trying to help -- ”

“Oh! No, not you, Dad,” Kurt says quickly. For fuck’s sake -- “Just -- just give me a minute -- ” He starts pulling his dad toward the door. Burt stops him and says, “Hey, we’re gonna figure out this music program thing, okay?”

“Thanks, Dad,” Kurt says with a smile, and gestures for him to leave.

Once Burt is out of sight, he turns back to the ghosts.

“Wait -- ” Tina waves her drumsticks around a little. “So -- only you can see us, but everyone can hear us?” Kurt nods in confirmation. “What kind of ghosts are we?” Tina says.

“Who cares, dude!” Sam says, stepping up to Tina’s drum kit with a grin. “People can hear us play!” The three exchange fist-bumps as Blaine says happily, “We might be dead, but our music isn’t.”

“And Kurt’s dad likes our music!” Sam cheers.

“He’s a dad, it doesn’t count,” Tina mumbles, smiling and pushing Sam playfully when he turns to her with an offended look.

Confusion and annoyance bubble up inside Kurt along with something like anger at, just, all of it and he groans and says loudly, “Why can’t you guys just be normal ghosts? You know, go hang out at an old mansion or something! I hear Pasadena’s nice!” and turns to leave, slamming the door on his way out.

He just… has had too much going on today. He needs to -- ignore his homework and the problem with school and maybe just sleep in for the next two days. That would be really nice.

He’s so caught up in his head and he jumps and yells when a ghost appears in front of him with no warning.

“Don’t do that!” Kurt exclaims.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Blaine says quickly. “ -- You do know how rad this is though, right? People -- people can hear us play!”

“Yeah, good for you,” Kurt replies, a little too harshly. “It’s just that I’ve had a really, really, awful day. I’ve gotta go.”

He walks past Blaine just to turn around again when he says, “I’m really sorry you had a bad day.” Kurt nods; he can tell Blaine wants to say more, so he waits.

Blaine continues slowly, “I just… three ghosts just found out they had a bad twenty-five years, and then they find out that the one thing they lived for in the first place, they can still do. So you can kick us out, but -- we’re not giving up music. We can play again; that’s a gift no musician would ever turn down,” he says earnestly, eyes wide and almost pleading.

That hurts in Kurt’s chest a little more than it should and he looks down again to avoid the passion and excitement shining clearly in Blaine’s eyes, in his voice, in his words. He swallows down the feeling that statement unearths inside of him, but suddenly his bad day is at the forefront of his mind again -- his bad year.

That’s a gift no musician would ever turn down … some musician he is, then. But he already knew that.

Blaine says softly, “You’ve gotta know that. Clearly your mom is into music.”

Kurt swallows. “Was,” he says, monotone and quiet. “She passed away.”

He hates that it’s become easier to say; he wants to either spit the words out or break down sobbing but he manages to keep his voice steady. (In the back of his mind, he wonders why he just told that to a random ghost he just met. Maybe he’s just going crazy. He’s literally talking to ghosts, after all.)

Blaine’s face falls. “I -- I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“Yeah, we -- we didn’t know,” Sam says quietly. He and Tina have also left the studio, standing on the other side of the low wall separating the garage area from the pathway back to the house. They look up with sympathetic eyes and Kurt looks away from them too -- can’t meet any of their wide, well-meaning gazes right now.

“It’s fine,” he dismisses. “Sorry I got mad.” The ghosts are thankfully looking at each other now, seemingly silent conversation passing between their glances. “You guys are pretty good,” Kurt says, trying to change the subject and lighten the atmosphere.

Blaine raises an eyebrow, turning his gaze back to Kurt. “‘Pretty good’? You know that’s just, like, 25 years of rust being dusted off, right?”

“Do you play, too?” Tina asks.

“No, no, I don’t play.” It’s not exactly a lie anymore but it scrapes in Kurt’s throat with his haste to answer. “That’s all my mom’s stuff in there.”

“She’s an amazing songwriter,” Blaine says.

“Yeah, she was,” Kurt answers. “Wait… how do you know?”

Blaine opens his mouth, glancing at the others for a second. “We found a song on the piano,” he says. “If it’s hers… your mom was really talented.”

Kurt nods. She really, really was.

He feels like he doesn’t have the energy to say it again, so he just stays quiet. Somewhat awkwardly, he turns to leave, sensing the end of the conversation and part of him desperately wanting to just leave and not have to see these ghosts again….

So Kurt surprises even himself when he pauses and turns back to face them. “I guess,” he starts, and their gazes snap back up to him. “If you need a place to stay… you can stay in there.” He nods toward the studio and the ghosts’ faces light up. Kurt can’t help but smile back. “There’s a couch that turns into a bed, and in the back there’s a bathroom with a shower, if you still need any of that stuff.”

“Awesome!” Sam exclaims quietly, earning an elbow in the side and a questioning look from Tina. “What? Dude, I just really like showers,” he defends.

Tina rolls her eyes. Kurt takes a breath, raising his hands to gesture vaguely at the three of them. “This is just… too weird.” He nods to himself, finally leaving this time, leaving the ghosts to… do what they will.

The fact that there are ghosts in his mom’s studio…. Maybe there’s a chance that Mom knows them -- sent them, he thinks… but decides to not get his hopes up. She’s gone and he needs to just keep it at that.

What he really wants is to tell Mercedes, but he doesn’t know how.

What would you say if I told you there were three ghosts living in my mom’s studio? Kurt thinks on his way back to his room.

You’d say I’m crazy.

It’s some point in the night; they figured out that they don’t need to sleep -- can’t sleep, it seems like, which is honestly really annoying in Tina’s opinion because they’re ghosts with literally nothing to do for too many hours at a time -- so they’re just hanging out in the studio, with the lights outside giving them a little visibility through the garage windows, but it’s kind of nice to just sit in the dark.

Tina has been on the couch with Sam, lying on their backs, heads in opposite directions, legs pressed up against each other. Sam’s bass is unplugged, laid on his stomach and extending over Tina’s legs. He plucks out notes and Tina accompanies with a soft beat using just her hands and body parts as instruments. Sometimes it’s a familiar bassline -- a Sunset Curve song rehearsed or performed or recorded before -- and they also hum the harmonies that they know, and sometimes they improvise -- Tina storing the good bits in her mind for a future writing session.

Blaine is in the loft where they hoped a light could be on and maybe go unnoticed. Tina assumes that he’s writing; he always was when they were alive. And of course, now he has 25 years of dark room and relative nothingness to catch up on writing about.

It feels like another quiet night from when they were alive, each of them with an excuse to escape their homes for the night, and they’d all crash here, filling the studio with soft music and noise. Blaine would stay up writing and sometimes singing while Sam and Tina (and Artie) would try to sleep, telling him to stop humming, or, since the main house inhabitants who would care about the noise were rarely there, they would sometimes join along with him and make it a Sunset Curve midnight rehearsal.

They’ve never had the best sleep schedules anyway.

Tina giggles quietly as she and Sam play into nothingness, both parts running uncontrolled and unable to get back on track. They both stop and Sam starts playing a familiar line -- parts they’d worked out before with bass, drums, and both guitars, but never actually put into a song. Tina waits for a moment to come in with her part.

She’s nearly startled off the couch when Blaine poofs down beside the couch with his guitar and starts his part. Tina starts laughing -- probably too loud but they’re pretty sure only their music can be heard anyway -- and slides off the couch to sit on the ground, picking the drumming back up on her legs.

“You guys wanna check out this teleportation thing?” Blaine asks, playing the challenging guitar riff meant for electric guitar messily on his acoustic without a pick.

Sam sits up and puts his bass to the side. “Absolutely,” he says. “Where’re we going?”

“I have an idea,” Blaine says, setting his guitar down. He pulls Tina up and extends a hand out for Sam. “I think I can take you guys with me.”

“What?” Tina squeaks, but a second later, she’s sitting far above the ground, outside, on top of the marquee of the Orpheum. “Oh my god,” she mutters, looking down dizzily at the people passing by on the sidewalk. Her body tingles with a weird uncomfortable energy for just a few seconds before it fades.

“Yes!” Blaine laughs, kicking his legs up excitedly. “I mean, I know being a ghost isn’t our first choice, but it sure is easy getting around!”

“Easy for you, maybe!” Sam cries on Blaine’s other side. “I lost my shirt on that one!”

Tina looks over and sure enough, Sam is shirtless. She stifles a laugh behind her hand. “Like that’s a concern,” she pipes up, but Sam’s shirt appears right as she says it. They all laugh and sit in silence for a moment.

“So why’d you bring us here?” Tina asks, looking out across Hollywood Boulevard, the new and old buildings and shops, the people and cars of the future. The light of the Orpheum’s neon sign shines in her periphery, same as it did on a night twenty-five years ago. “Just another reminder of where we never got to play,” she says wryly, turning to face Blaine on her left, patting his shoulder. “Thanks, Blaine.”

Blaine rolls his eyes. “I’m telling you guys, it’s not over yet!” Tina reappears on the sidewalk right below them, almost losing her balance and falling through a person walking past. She shoots a glare at Blaine for teleporting them with no warning again, but he just grins back and starts down the sidewalk, Sam following. “Let’s see how many places we can play tonight, yeah? Check out the music scene of the future? And no trouble getting into those clubs anymore!”

Tina laughs, falling into step with them. She watches Sam walk straight through someone going in the opposite direction and doesn’t realize someone is in her way, which shouldn't be a problem, until she bumps into them.

She feels them.

“Hey!” she says involuntarily, turning to see who it was -- another ghost? A tall man with a cape and top hat nods at her with an acknowledging and almost menacing gleam in his eye, then turns again and walks away.

He could see her, he could touch her -- he has to be another ghost, right?

“Tina, you coming?” Sam calls. She swallows and takes one last look, the other ghost having disappeared among the other people on the sidewalk, before turning and running to catch back up with the guys.

“I just ran into someone,” she says, a little breathless -- she doesn’t know if that’s from running, which she doesn’t think she can actually get breathless from, or the fact that she ran into someone.

“Another ghost?” Blaine says.

“I mean, it has to be, right? Uh, Kurt -- Kurt can see us but he can’t touch us…”

“And his dad couldn’t either,” Sam adds.

“It must have been another ghost. He looked like a… performer, or something.” Tina wrinkles their nose a little as she remembers his whole get-up, completely out of place among what she’s seen so far of 21st century street fashion. (But then again, so is she, and her friends.)

“… I guess we’re not alone, then,” Blaine says, breaking a short bewildered silence.

“We’re never alone!” Sam exclaims, walking between them to throw his arms around Blaine and Tina’s shoulders. Tina laughs and grabs his forearm, mystery ghost forgotten for the time being.

Blaine responds with a grin, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Kurt wakes up earlier than usual the next morning. He thinks he still has school -- he doesn’t know how being removed from the music program works, but no one told him not to come and besides, he does have non-music classes to keep up with, even if he doesn’t necessarily want to. He gets ready as usual, leaving breakfast out for his dad, and there’s still half an hour before Mercedes should be getting here.

Perfect. There’s something he needs to try by himself… for himself.

He heads out to the studio with his things, a fluttering feeling in his stomach, but it’s different from the feeling before he tried to play in class yesterday, like the butterflies had turned to stone and were rolling around inside him, weighing him down and making him nauseous. This time it’s promising, hopeful, familiar -- butterflies fluttering normally, peacefully.

The room is empty when Kurt pushes the doors open and drops his backpack by the entrance.

“Guys?” he calls hesitantly, to no response.

He wonders if he should be worried about where the ghosts might be, or relieved for if they really did leave after all, since that is what he wanted… but he realizes relief is not at all what he feels at that possibility.

But if the ghosts aren’t here, then all the better for what he wants to do, so he decides to ignore their absence for now.

Kurt walks up to the grand piano in the middle of the room, thinking. There’s something… something deep loosening in his chest -- something about Blaine and the others and their intense passion for music that is so different from the intense judgment and competition at school that made it so impossible for him to play yesterday.

The way Blaine had talked about music…

The one thing they lived for in the first place -- they can still do.

A gift.

Kurt spreads out the sheet music that he found yesterday, just placed on the piano lid without a glance and it’s still there, so Blaine and the others must have just taken a look at it. He recognizes his mother’s handwriting, achingly familiar and beautiful in a minimalistic way, the neat notes and lyrics, clean and legible even without the help of staff lines. His heart stutters and he gasps a little as he reads some of it -- he recognizes the song. Something his mom told him she was writing when she got sick.

Kurt used to be so involved in her songwriting, but as she got worse and Kurt grew away from the piano (and from his voice), he never asked about this song.

She’d finished it.

Here’s the one thing I want you to know, you got someplace to go…

And he needs to hear it.

His fingers tremble slightly as he places them gingerly on the keys over the starting notes of the song. It feels completely different than it did yesterday; he doesn’t know if it’s the lack of teacher and students watching, the insanity of yesterday evening in between, the song itself… but the stones turned back into butterflies and it almost feels like it did before….

He wants to play, to make music. For the first time in a year, he actually feels like he can. And he needs to.

And if -- when -- it unlocks the memories… he thinks he’s ready.

Kurt takes a deep breath and plays.

#i somehow added like 25 words in my final edit just now lol #idk if anyone really cares but suspend ur disbelief at kurt singing julie's songs XD #i definitely know it probably would not work with her songs as is #they have Very different voices i am aware but i'm also too lazy to do anything about it so . they can be adjusted #to fit his voice right lol i just have no idea how that works 🤪 i just play piano and even then not really 🥴#so just like imagineee lol #i love how in the last part i said what would be endgame in this fic but like #damn i don't have any idea what's happening past what happens in the actual jatp show and #even then idk what's gonna happen within those bc it's not exactly the same 😂#lol but those ships Will probably like #have hints or something if that makes any sense laksdhgdjfs anywayyyy #kurt and the phantoms #my ficsssss #glee fic #glee #idk how i tag things lmao i think that's good enough XD #DRUMMER TINA DRUMMER TINA DRUMMER TINA #oh my god it's finally happening skdghsdhdkghdhjfhgjfgh #i've been working on this since my family went on vacation at the end of june so like two months fuckdghjfdkl #anyway lol hope y'all likeeeee 🥺💖#omg we're at 79 pages of google doc total lol

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violet-t-9 · 3 years

Text

Check in on my (not very realistic) wish list for episode 136

1. The M9 eventually find a way to catch up with Lucien and Cree (or even get in front of them) before they are able to go to the astral sea AND at least start the combat please and thanks (Bonus: Cree gets a wild magic effect that gives M9 some advantage or laughs).

OH NO an intuit charge they were ambushed! The TT were way ahead of them... They caught up though! Lucian and Cree are still there... oops never mind they got ahead AGAIN, no TT combat today. Well, astral sea here we come!

2. Caleb and Beau’s eyes come into play at some point but are helpful to them instead of being used against them (look, let me try to be optimistic).

They have true sight! They can communicate telepathically to ANYONE! Hey, at least they gained some magical abilities and SOME sort of profit from all that anxiety. The eyes were still used against them to sense their presence.

3. Some long one-on-one conversations between any characters please, I need the RP experience! Any two of them would have a great dynamic.

Welp, I mean, combat time! Combat is also good, who needs RP anyways :(

4. More wild magic effects from casting in Aeor! Jester, Essek, Caduceus, Veth I’m looking at y’all. Caleb and Fjord already had their fun, but I won’t say no to more. (Bonus: the effects are harmless and fun ones like how they have been).

Oh no Veth... Is tiny... At least it didn’t cost any hit points? CALEB IS A SHEEP THAT WALKED INTO THE PORTAL LMAO. That was one of the wild magic effects that I wanted to see the most and it was as funny as possible.

5. Even more Aeorian ruin exploration and finding clues that may help them with the city business, but no more side combats before getting to the TT.

Caleb rolled 31 arcana on the runic circle wow transmutation + dunamancy! Temporal alteration! 31 on investigation too wow Caleb, “primal artifact”? TIME TRAVEL?? So that’s why it’s called the Temporal Dock! Also, wow, they actually did not enter any other side combats before TT, using stealth and magic. They were forced into a side combat after getting to them though.

6. Beau and Yasha continue with their PDA AND have a private moment together (let’s hope for both, because why not).

“Yasha your hair looks really great” lol Beau is not wasting any time is she. Yasha’s defensive “she’s wonderful” was ooc but cute lol. “Anything for my princess” lmao stop you guys. No private moment, but close enough.

7. Jester and Fjord heal each other at some point OR have more physical contact (they were so cute last episode).

Jester healed Fjord! I’m sad it had to happen but it was a good heal too. Jester also picked up the paralyzed Fjord after the intuit charges!

8. Continuing to hope for Essek’s fancy dunamantic spells OR magical items (I felt Caleb so hard last episode, I too am attracted to power and skills).

Purple sparkling dunamancy fly wings oh YEAH. Thanks for maintaining concentration on Cad you beautiful war caster you.

9. Veth and Fjord diss each other at some point OR exhibit support for each other, I love their love-hate relationship.

“Fjord can shape water... yes you can, you got it” lol Also the discussion about Veth preparing featherfall and Fjord’s “yes thank you Veth”. The “marine layer” argument lol - sounded both supportive and like a diss.

10. Continuing to hope for Caleb to polymorph into anything really, or using polymorph on any party member (polymorph! Caleb interactions my beloved, this is just going to be a permanent feature on my wish list now).

Intelligence 2 SHEEPLEB MY BELOVED BWAHAHAHAHAH I love this so much. It’s not exactly polymorph, but he is a sheep guys, that counts.

11. Mention of Davexian/Charlie at some point in time (bonus: Veth does it).

Lmao Beau mentioned Davexian right away, and Veth gave a reaction right away. I did not expect a mention so soon but here we are.

12. Jester continuing to be the braincell holder of the team and keeps everybody on task (go queen I love you).

YEAH go get that natural 20 Jester! Keep track of what floor it is! She also urges them to keep moving.

13. Essek and Caleb have more of their deep wizard conversations and interactions OR be impressed by each other at some point (Bonus: another party member mentions/addresses whatever they’ve got going on).

YES wow the temporal dock scene. Also Jester thanks for the mention lol. “It’s complicated” sounds about right.

14. Cad attempting to speak with the dead on the remaining TT members (there are still Otis and Zoran) and learning some useful information.

Well... it’s kind of too late for that.

15. Jester sees Artagan again and we finally find out what Caleb was seeing during that commune and that scry (I need answers please! Don’t try to distract me with everything else going on, I won’t fall for it).

IT WAS TRUE SIGHT? It was true sight and Beau was just not close enough! Sprinkle whispering in Jester’s ear?? Someone’s theory I saw here was true good for you! Arty has been sprinkle all along that’s why sprinkle is alive.

16. More discussion about dunamancy in Aeor and the Luxon (I’d love to know how Essek is feeling about their discovery and get his thoughts on it).

Well... time travel magic circles are certainly dunamancy. Essek is as excited as you would expect him to be - very.

17. A successful divine intervention from either cleric! (Bonus: that allows them to stop the TT)

Nope, but it may happen next week? Maybe?

18. Heroes’ feast and we learn more about the food/drink preferences or other fun facts from everybody (Bonus: great roll on the HP boon from the feast).

Welp well they ain’t gonna get that one extra hour.

19. I know they are not gonna see the tower but I still kinda want to see Essek’s room look it’s going to stay on this wish list until it happens.

Yeah I mean I didn’t really expect this to come true any time soon.

20. Somebody pushes a red button, again (Bonus: it’s someone we don’t expect to push the button).

I mean, Beau went underwater to grab the magical potions, that was kinda button-pushing, but it’s to be expected. She is an expositor! She investigates!

21. Cad continuing to be a MVP in combat as always OR have an amazing non-combat idea/discovery.

Cad got Yasha up as soon as she was down! ALSO that shield of retribution force damage was AWESOME. The invisibility was so smart!

22. You know the drill by now - everyone remains relatively happy and alive by the end of the episode except Lucien and Cree (they can perish), and the episode ends on a terrifying cliffhanger as always (Bonus: they end up in the Astral Sea and that’s where we finish the episode).

Wow that bonus part is a PERFECT PREDICTION if I do say so myself. I knew that getting into the Astral Sea would be a good cliffhanger. I’m figuring it out guys.

Seriously though please stay safe and alive M9 (and yes Essek is included) that’s all I want.

Nobody has been dead so far, so I’m as happy as I can be!

Score: 16/22

Other highlights:

Their exploration last episode paid off with the teal keycard! I knew it even distractions can be helpful!

Essek rolled a 30! On stealth! WOO his first great roll probably, Matt sounded so proud of him too. Also that clutch war caster concentration save too, he is finally rolling better (well, slightly).

Caleb’s decisive wall of force and two correct-level dispel magic saved everybody twice, competent as always. I love him so much (also, sheepleb my beloved).

NICE SAVE VETH THANK YOU omg what a queen with the mage hand, truly a 2000 IQ move made by a genius. Jester is safe I’m so happy!!

Wow, what an episode! As always, CR cast gave me such a wonderful night of tension, humour, action and intrigue. I am so happy and thankful that I get to witness this story unfold! I cannot wait for next Thursday, already. I am nervous about their astral sea journey, but I trust in the cast and they will always deliver a great story.

(Plus, maybe they can actually save Yussa now, pretty please?) :D

#cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #critical role #c2e136 #cr liveblog #the mighty nein #campaign 2 #manifest list

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songofwizardry · 3 years

Text

long critical role thoughts post time again! spoilers for c2e136 under the cut. also it's been like six weeks since I last did this, damn. moving house will do that to you.

so like of all the abilities for the two humans to get, I will say getting darkvision is a pretty good one

okay so I feel like fandom figured out that Caleb had seen the Traveller the last couple times, but sorry. the WEASEL. artagan is fucking SPRINKLE? that I. did not see coming. at fucking all.

says a lot about this episode that this reveal stopped being the focus so quickly holy shit a lot happens

oh AND telepathic communication! I was expecting this possibility, but I was really surprised by how well it was done/how cool I found it.

love Caleb's 31 arcana check

"transmutation merged with dunamancy... with elements of temporal alteration" right so at this point I was just :o all the way

and the Primal Artifact is the Luxon, right? cool cool cool

way back, I remember Caleb's research and him saying that maybe Aeor had time travel magic. I also remember Beau's theorising about the Luxon coming from Aeor. I was FULLY not expecting both those fucking theories to be confirmed so fully in this arc!!! what the fuck Matt!!

also this is the second or third time the wizards have had cool magic bonding time (TM) in Aeor and I love it.

Jester: "does that mean what I think it means? is he coming on to you?" / Caleb: "what do you think it means?" / "I think he's coming on to you!" / "... it's complicated." y'all my shadowgast heart is THRIVING

love how Veth keeps suggesting marine layer right now, and within a little while they are going to be surrounded by entirely natural fog

the entire CHAOS plan of throwing the cellabone/using mage hand/not using mage hand/just walking away is peak D&D

the intuit charge took me COMPLETELY by surprise, but holy shit, such a good move. also, I had completely not grasped just how much damage those deal when they were previously talking about them/using them against the tomb takers! seeing Matt roll for that damage was very revealing (and fuckin terrifying)

also made me realise that using them against the tomb takers was a brilliant idea, you go mighty nein

I don't know the stats for the intuit charges, but I was very relieved that they could be dispelled with a fourth level. I was very concerned that it wouldn't be the case

aaaand Lucien is here!

veth: "here's my plan, we're all cows." I mean, sheep-leb did happen so close enough?

Lucien is a smooooth charismatic fucker. like, he's such a good smooth talker cult-leader asshole archetype, and I am really enjoying how he's played.

the TWITCH at "circus man" what is going on Matthew Mercer??? I need to know!

I was... actually quite surprised that Lucien didn't set off the intuit charges as he left, or close the portal, or something. like, what is his game here? does he really just want an 'audience' that bad? or did he need to get back through the portal and so couldn't close it?

idk how travel in the astral sea works but I'm assuming there's a reason he had to get through a portal buried deep in a dangerous ruin, and not just show up in the astral sea another way

idk I was just expecting the other shoe to drop, not really expecting Lucien to flat out invite them to follow and be his audience... but upon thinking about it, that's sorta been his style through the whole thing, hasn't it?

aand fighting an elemental!

the sheep puns were the best tbh, as was the image of a sheep floating through the astral sea

it's also really fun to see Essek in combat and get a better idea of what his capabilities are

I was fully expecting the episode to end with them just being in the astral sea, but NOPE we get a fucking chilling description of Cognouza, AND we get creepy voices in Beau and Caleb's heads!

they are in the literal astral sea y'all I have no idea where we go from here but I am very hyped. the next episode is gonna be something huh.

#critical role #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #c2e136 #text post #i have managed to keep most of my shadowgast yearning out of this post #but believe me there is a lotta shadowgast yearning

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xseildnasterces · 2 years

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relief next to me.

2021-01-15

I wrote the bellow on the first day of the month, which also means it was written before the funeral, before my mum got covid and before I went into a full-on meltdown. I’m feeling a wee bit better now. I’m safe, to my surprise and probably everyone else’s too, I didn’t/haven’t caught covid, my dad is out of his isolation and my mum is coming to the end of hers. If nothing else, this unfortunate episode has maybe changed my way of thinking towards covid. I am still well and truly terrified of catching it yet seeing both my parents get through it has made me feel a wee bit better about the situation. Thankfully there were no hospitals involved and no issues with breathing – I hope I have not spoken too soon as my mum still has a couple of days left in quarantine. Quarantine at our house has consisted of my dad first being isolated upstairs and not being allowed down, and mum switching with him once he was out of quarantine and going up there herself for her own isolation. What a crazy, crazy world. I just want to hold out till I get back to the US. I do not want to find myself unable to fly due to getting damn covid, yet as my mum just said, it would be better for me to get it here where I can be looked after and have food brought to me, than if I am all alone in my US apartment. I have been ill a few times since moving to the US (not including my current and ongoing flare), but H lived in the US then and could help me when I needed anything. I don’t have that anymore, yet I do feel lucky that D has said should I ever need anything in such a situation, she would drive the hour it takes to get from hers to mine to assist. Regardless, I don’t want bloody covid.

2022-01-01

I honestly still have no idea how we are already here in 2022. The last two years are a complete and utter blur, yet at the same time, I feel like so much has happened. Living through a pandemic is such a weird thing. I also sit and wonder what it will be like for students’ years from now to sit and read about this time in our lives out of a textbook (if they still have them?) in the way in which we listen to and learn about the black death – something I did with great fascination as it quickly became one of my favourite historical topics of all time. I assume there will be covid-19 historians as time goes on. What a world we live in.

Some years I sit here and struggle to come up with what I want to list as my goals for the year, yet this year I have spent the last month or so writing out every possible goal that enters my head – and there have been many. So, this year, instead of my usual ten, I’m going to just list them all, and this time next year we can see whether having many goals proves to be beneficial or not.

2022 Goals.

1. Get our ICA-NP research study published

2. Complete the 12 books a year challenge

3. Travel somewhere I have never been before

4. Get through my 30th birthday without crying

5. Take myself on a date at least once a month (i.e., a walk, museum etc).

6. Work on self-publishing a book or collection of letters

7. Succeed in growing some bell peppers in my apartment

8. Buy a property

9. Make a new friend in DC

10. Get through 2022 without catching covid

11. Be more active – swim or yoga at least once a week

12. One takeaway per week ONLY

13. Try a new creative skill

14. Complete the MSE Academoney course

15. Get Lasik

16. Pass my driving theory test

17. Meet up with some friends in Europe who I haven’t been able to see due to the pandemic

18. Travel to Paris to see H, M and F

19. See a show on Broadway in NYC

20. Get a new piercing

21. Get back in remission with my IBD

22. Meet baby B!

Wish me luck – I’m going to need it, most specifically for number 4. Now that, is going to be a challenge.

#relief next to me #tegan and sara #me #personal #diary #thought #thoughts #feeling #feelings #memories #memory #goal #life #change #covid #pandemic living #my life #write #writing

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dtrhwithalex · 3 years

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TV | Loki (105)

105: JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY

D: KATE HERRON. W: TOM KAUFFMAN. Original Air Date: 07 July 2021.

Non-spoiler-free recap and review of the fifth episode of LOKI, which airs every Wednesday on Disney+.

RECAP

Picking up from last week's mid-credit scene, we find Loki stranded in an unknown place, where he is found by four other Loki variants. The place, it turns out, is the Void, and it is where all destroyed timelines end up. The Void is home to Alioth, a cloud creature which devours everything thrown into the Void and removes it from existence permanently.

While Loki and his new companions hurry to safety -- a bunker they have survived in together since arriving in the Void --, back at the TVA, Sylvie is forcing Renslayer to give her the answers about the TVA and the Time Keepers she is looking for. Claiming to want those answers herself as well, Renslayer teams up with Sylvie and they use Miss Minutes to access data. They realise that, much like Sylvie had been able to hide from the TVA in apocalypses, whoever is behind everything may be hiding beyond the timeline, inside or behind the Void. However, going beyond the Void is impossible, except with a spacecraft specifically designed to do so. However, it turns out, Renslayer lied about the craft and has merely been stalling. She has no intentions to betray the TVA and join forces with Sylvie. In a stand-off with Renslayer and her agents, Sylvie -- still in possession of Renslayers TemPad -- decides that the only way to be sure about her theory, is to prune herself and be sent to the Void.

Meanwhile, Loki had learned about the individual stories of the Variants as well as the reality of the Void and Alioth, and has decided that the only way to leave the Void, is to kill Alioth. The variants laugh at this plan, so Loki decides to go at it himself, however, before he can leave the bunker, an army of other Loki variants led by PRESIDENT LOKI (TOM HIDDLESTON) infiltrate the bunker and seek to overthrow Kid Loki who is, among the Lokis, the current ruler. As it is a main characteristic of Lokis to betray others, a fight among the variants for the throne breaks out, and Classic, Kid, Alligator, and our TVA Loki make an escape. Reluctantly, the others decided to help Loki get to Alioth.

Having pruned herself, Sylvie has arrived in the Void and immediately has to escape from Alioth. In her escape, she uses magic to defend herself and realises that the creature could be enchanted. While running from Alioth, a small Pizza delivery car races towards her to aid her in the escape. The driver, it turns out, is none other than Mobius. While driving away from the creature, Sylvie makes a similar realisation as Loki: the only way out of the Void is through Alioth, so she has Mobius turn around.

While our Loki variants are in the Void, Renslayer seeks answers herself. Hunter B-15, who had aided Sylvie in her escape, had been imprisoned, and Renslayer goes to her for intel about Sylvie. B-15 realises that Renslayer was not entirely lying when she told Sylvie she, too, wanted to know who is behind the TVA. However, she tells Renslayer, Sylvie would manage to find out way before Renslayer would ever get to her, because she needed to, and Renslayer only wanted.

Back in the Void, the Loki variants arrive near Alioth and our Loki starts to lay out his plan of attack -- only to witness a ship being dumped into the Void and immediately being completely devoured by Alioth, making him reassess his plans. Sylvie and Mobius arrive at the same spot and Sylvie lays out her plans to them -- she wants to enchant Alioth and make it show them what it is protecting. While Sylvie and Loki share a moment outside, talking about the future and themselves, Mobius and the other Lokis are talking in a decaying house nearby.

The Lokis decide to remain in the Void, despite the possibility of escape with Sylvie's TemPad. Our Loki, too, decides to stay and help Sylvie defeat Alioth and find out who is behind the TVA. Taking the TemPad, Mobius says his good-byes to Loki and Sylvie and then returns to the TVA with the plan to burn the whole thing to the ground. Taking on Alioth, Loki starts to distract the creature in order to give Sylvie time to enchant it, however, his efforts are too small. In an act of extreme power, Classic Loki conjures up Asgard as a distraction, allowing Loki and Sylvie to enchant Alioth together. Just as Classic Loki's powers fail and he is, presumably, devoured by Alioth, who is now rapidly approaching the enchanters, the plan works. Within the clouds of Alioth, a space opens, revealing a building beyond the Void.

FAVOURITE MOMENTS

I think unsurprisingly at this point, my favourite moments in this episode feature Mobius. I loved the moment when he picks up Sylvie in his little Pizza car. I may have yelled quite a bit when I saw his face again. Their conversation in the car is also quite lovely.

I also really liked the scene with Mobius and the Loki variants in the little hut while our Loki and Sylvie are outside. I just thought it was delightful how they immediately take to him and ask him questions.

Most favourite moment goes, of course, to the hug. I definitely cheered. I love their dynamic so very much. I just hope that this wasn't the last they see of each other. That would be a shame.

FAVOURITE CHARACTER(S)

Our main man Loki, once again, of course. Also, of course, again Mobius (I am still kinda mad about how much I like him). But I gotta say I also really enjoyed the Loki variants. Richard E. Grant as classic Loki was amazing. And I loved Hiddleston as President Loki also very much. That is an excellent costume.

Also, shout-out to Hunter B-15 for being a badass. I love her and I hope she gets to kick some TVA ass next episode.

QUESTIONS, CURIOSITIES

Of course, like everyone else, I am wondering who is behind the TVA and the Time Keepers, but I am assuming we will find out exactly that next week. So, I'll talk about something else.

I am still very unsure about the whole Sylvie thing. She's definitely a Loki, that's for sure. But seeing all the other possible Loki variants who are all (if applicable) male, having her as the only female version kinda irks me. The comment about it, too. What was it, "that's a terrifying idea"? Something like that? It just doesn't really land right. Loki is, canonically, a genderfluid character. But if Sylvie is the only female version of him, that's not genderfluid. That's just an alternative timeline. And that bothers me.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

While overall quite a fun episode with some amazing visuals and lovely moments, something about this one was kinda off. I liked it very much, still, but the whole Sylvie/Loki thing feels very odd and the fight between all the Loki variants felt kinda thrown away for comedic effect. I thought the episode was great, but it had potential to be even better. But I am really pleased with this show generally.

[still image taken from the episode's imdb page]

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goatsandgangsters · 3 years

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okay okay okay EPISODE 6. I’m still… out of fucking breath. from the last one.

I didn’t plan on live-blogging because then I’d have to keep pausing to type but actually I’m having too much fun, I guess I’m liveblogging now

my posts just keep getting longer and more and more incomprehensible

I forgot to mention in my last one, but it was a really good call to include the whole “west ravka wants to secede” plot line. it adds a lot, politically, and also adds a sense of urgency. whereas the book is a little bit like, the darkling is kind of a dumbass if you think about it because ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS WAIT LIKE 50 MORE YEARS, WHICH IS NOTHING IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, but now there’s definitely like. political urgency and necessity that the books don’t convey to the same degree.

also adds a lot of dimension to What Happens At The End of The Book. which, I’m not there yet, episode-wise. but liiiiiiiiike.

BEN! BARNES! HAS! THE! RANGE! oh I love that they let him be lovesick and terrifying back-to-back like this, god he’s so fucking good. like, we all knew? we all knew this was a stroke of absolute casting genius? but god I don’t think we were actually capable of realizing To What Degree

oh god Inej looking at Alina I’m gonna CRY I actually got teary-eyed??

poor fedyor. he was planning so many double dates and then darklina had to go and breakup. (side note: I am SO INTRIGUED that the darkling thinks ivan is hilarious, so I just think the two “grumpy one/sunshine one” couples should go on a double date. get ravkan ice cream. why can’t this family ever have a funky fresh good time)

“I’ll never let go, helvar”

yo, real talk, why’s the darkling’s bed so short. dOES HE SLEEP WITH HIS LEGS DANGLING OFF THE END. this furniture is absolutely not proportionate to his height at all.

also it’s interesting how often he calls her “miss starkov” instead of alina, considering in the book he’s like “hello alina, how are you alina, alina how is alina today, alina I’ve seen what you truly are alina, FINE alina MAKE alina ME alina YOUR alina.” I’m pretty sure when I first read shadow and bone, literally the only reason I learned alina’s name is because he kept saying it

FASCINATING, CANON ZOYA/DARKLING???????????? honestly don’t know if I like that??? I prefer to think that he has not gotten laid in a couple hundred years because he’s just bad at being a person and isn’t actually as slick as he thinks he is. I cannot believe they un-canoned Zoya/Mal and canon’d this, UNEXPECTED. feels weird.

on the plus side, I genuinely want a polycule of a solid half the trilogy characters and I guess it’s getting more canon by the minute! this is zoya and her girlfriend alina and alina’s three boyfriends mal, darkling comma the, and nikolai, who are also or have been zoya’s boyfriends at one point or another plus alina’s girlfriend genya who is also zoya’s girlfriend genya and genya’s boyfriend david” I’m allowed a seven-person polyship right?

fedyor and ivan go on double dates with the seven-person polycule. it’s a really tight booth in restaurants.

also this is zoya’s ex-girlfriend nina who sometimes visits from ketterdam and brings her boyfriend and her girlfriend, and her girlfriend’s boyfriend, and his boyfriend, and his boyfriend.

AND THEN THEY ALL GET BRUNCH, THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT

baghra can come too but only because she likes getting day-drunk on mimosas with nikolai and bITCHING with him

god I miss brunch. and friendship. and cocktails. and human contact.

anyway back to actually watching this episode

I really like that Alina is about 10x more Actively Involved in everything that happens to her vs. in the first book where she’s more along for the ride

it is emotionally a weird experience to see Mal get pelted with a water bottle and go YEAAH followed by aw nah, he doesn’t deserve that. There is A Mal in another universe who deserves to get pelted by 15 water bottles but it is not this Mal. This Mal can stay. Book Mal is on thin fucking ice and will be pelted with water bottles. But Show Mal is Valid and Allowed. god Archie’s SO FUCKING good. I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M HAVING SOFT FEELINGS ABOUT THIS BUT HERE WE ARE, LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES, such is archie’s power and he deserves praise

“Your powers don’t scare me” OHHHHHHH SUCH AN IMPROVEMENT THANK GODDDDDDD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT the FUCK I am having EMOTIONS over malina scenes

I LOVE NINA SO FUCKING MUCH. I love her endlessly giving Matthias a hard time. he deserves it. god I love HER SHE’S SO GOOD!!!!!!!!

ohhhhhh the MLEMS are FIIIIIGHTING

OHHHHHHHH THE EMO BOYS ARE FIIIIIIIGHTING

oh. my god. they stole the fuckin. they. okay but like, his horsies tho :(((((

KHDFGKSJDFHGSKDFJHGKH DAVID!!!!!! hkdfjhgdfkjghsdfhg d a v id. fjkdhgsdkjfhgdfh dddddaaavviiiiiiidddd. DAVID.

I absolutely love the thought of the darkling, ivan, and david hanging out, because it’s like the three least social people in all of ravka. and they absolutely LOVE one another’s company because no one talks, there is no small talk, and they can just SIT in SILENCE and it’s nICE. sometimes they make brief eye contact and nod a couple times and then go back to politely sitting in silence.

sdfjkghskhdf his disdainful little ~a d o r a b l e~ about mal and alina deeply resonates with my experiences of reading the books. though AGAIN, WEIRD TO BE HAVING FEELINGS NOW.

GOD SO NOW I HAVE TO DECIDE!!!!! IT’S SO FUCKING TEMPTING TO WATCH 7 AND 8 TOMORROW NIGHT. IT IS SO TEMPTING. THEN I CAN UNBLACKLIST IT AND REBLOG ALL THE GIFETS.

BUUUUUUUT I have a busy and hectic week and 7 and 8 would be a really nice treat to have waiting for me NEXT Friday as motivation to get through the week

But that also means I have to keep being vigilant about not looking at Content for another week AND IT’S REALLY HARD TO MAINTAIN THAT RESOLVE NOT TO LOOK

god I don’t know what to do. delayed gratification normally comes so naturally to me, this is an actual struggle. I thiiiiiink I’m gonna try and hold off because future!me will be grateful next friday. but mid-week me who wants to look at gifsets will be mad.

#it took me like two hours to watch because I kept pausing to liveblog #and go on tangents about polycules and brunch #I recognize that that was a BIG tangent but also like.#feel free to join me in 'everything is brunch and nothing hurts' world because it's nice there #I really want the enormous ravkan polycule and the enormous ketterdam polycule #and I will take ANY opportunity to talk about the single most important brotp in the entire grishaverse which is baghra and nikolai #it is not REMOTELY RELEVANT TO THIS EPISODE but I will TALK ABOUT IT #okay I think that's enough tags that it won't show up in tracked tags #grishaverse #shadow and bone

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ohnobjyx · 4 years

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you answer about celebrities being prudent with dating got me curious as western boys in bands, especially in the rock/alternative/rap scene, seem to have a reputation for dating/sleeping around a lot, do asian idols just not date/sleep around a lot or are they just better at hiding it because they are expected to?

Hi, anon! I’m slowly working through all the asks, but I remembered yours when I was watching this week hotpot episode from SDoC S3 (I’m wondering if I should write a post compiling all the candies, but I have so many asks pending).

To start with the answer, let’s put the disclaimer first: I don’t know celebrities, I’m a simple fan just like all of us. Whatever they do in their private life it’s their own thing, and I just simply try to place an objective view of their situation here.

Just a clarification: when we talk about idol or celebrity, I’m talking about those that are pretty successful in the industry (with their number of fans ranking in the millions). These are the tip of the iceberg in the industry however. The bulk of them have less fans, but are also less subjected to scrutiny by the public.

1. First of all they are prudent because it isn’t widely accepted as “good” that people date/sleep around a lot, especially among the older generations. However, many young people also feel that it’s unacceptable, and their opinions may vary from “they must be very promiscuous or they flicker a lot” to “if they haven’t been able to keep a relationship for long, there must be a problem with this person”.

2. We’ve already talked about the fact that celebrities are expected to uphold a clear and good moral example for their fans. They’ll be heavily criticized if they do things that aren’t socially approved, and it’ll impact negatively on their work prospects. So, I suppose that in the case any celebrity did date/sleep around, they’d have to be masters at hiding their “affairs”.

Let’s just imagine how a male idol’s gf fans (the type of fans that fantasize being their idol’s gf) would react if their idol publicly dated around with many girls. I don’t think that would end well.

3. Like I said at the beginning, I’m going to talk about those idols and celebrities that have more success in the industry.

So, when we talk about dating/sleeping around, there’s something that we can’t ignore: time.

I don’t know about the workload of the boy bands (especially, as you said, in the rock/alternative/rap scene) but the workload of an Asian idol is terrifying.

Let me show you a few examples:

a. Even before he debuted in the boy band, dd spent almost everyday hours dancing, no free weekends and barely vacations, since he was 13 and entered the company. As a child, he got myocarditis when he was learning to dance. As soon as he got discharged, he went back to dancing, and spent his summer vacations (just a month in China, btw, August) dancing from 1 pm to 9 pm everyday, to recover the lost ground (this really was a test for his love for dancing, but just imagine it: he could do 8 hours a day just because he liked it, how many hours would he pull when pressed by the company?)

b. To anyone unfamiliar with Asian culture, the Lunar New Year’s Eve is the most important celebration in Asian culture, a night when family gathers together to celebrate the arrival of the new year. Asian idols usually are full of work, even that same night, so they almost never spend the New Year’s Eve with their families. A famed actress (in her fifties), once said in a program: “my father died last year... and one of the things I regret the most is that I haven’t spent a single New Year’s Eve with him in the last 20 years”.

c. In 2015, a year after his debut with Uniq, dd posted on w/ibo: “Just another year that I can’t be with my parents on New Year’s Eve... just a little sad” (and from what I know, he hadn’t spent a single New Year’s Eve at home since his debut).

d. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with Running Man, another c-variety show that’s very popular in China (I recommended it, btw). They did a night-life special last year, and when the director announced the theme (that they’d start filming by 4 pm and continue through the night), the host were like “just that?”:

“Then like our usual jobs”, “I can stay awake longer than an owl”, “I’m also good at spending all-nighters”.

One of them actually said: it seems that they don’t really get what an actor’s job is... everyone say how many days and nights have you gone by without sleeping in you busiest times? Angelababy (that’s her stage name, yes): “When I was a model... I really spent three days and three nights without a single moment of sleep.” Li Chen: “Before I came here to film yesterday, I spent 4 days filming night scenes for my drama, so 4 nights without sleep.”

Song Yuqi: “If we count sleeping an hour a day... I went a full week without a full night of sleep. Yesterday was the longest I’ve been sleeping in the last month”.

Their attitude is what surprises me the most, to be honest... It’s like, “of course we would spend a whole night awake, no problem!”

e. One of the previous hosts from this show once said that from his daughter’s birth to her first birthday the amount of time he spent with her totalled to three months.

4. I actually remembered your ask yesterday when I was watching the hotpot episode because of this:

The hosts mentioned getting back at their hotels after filming at 6 am (I think they had been filming the episode during the day and most of the night, and wanted to film a part of the dance using the first daylight). Actually, dd was talking about ZYX making noise in his room practicing dance moves at 6 am (wtf dude, you just pulled an all-nighter, please sleep).

There was a stalker photo of dd taken at 3 am when dd was coming out of the filming site for SDoC S3, one of the other day (just imagine it: you’re leaving the workplace, after a hard day of work, and instead of getting into the car peacefully you have to escape from these people).

This kind of workload is insane. When they aren’t filming, they are travelling to filming sites, filming tv shows episodes, filming commercials, doing interviews, photoshoots, practicing whatever show is coming up next, reading scripts, and a long list of things they do. Almost without a single moment to rest.

I remember an interview of another actor, in which he said that if he had a free moment in his schedule or a free day, he spent it sleeping and talking with his family.

I’m not saying that with this kind of schedule keeping a relationship is absolutely impossible, but it resembles greatly a long distance relationship, no matter where your home actually is. So dating around a lot is quite of... difficult? (at least in my opinion). And about sleeping around... maybe it’s just me, but if I had a free night with their workload... I’d pass out as soon as I was in my room, and that’s all the sleeping I can envision.

(Btw, this kind of work pace is a trend in China. I've been told that it’s actually common to have surgeons doing 36-hour shifts... here I was thinking that 24h shifts were outrageous).

5. However, it’s not impossible. It wasn’t so long ago that a scandal got out about an actor who was married and with an adult son AND still had time to keep a mistress.

I hope I haven’t rambled too much, anon, and that you find my answer useful!

Edit (thanks to @gremlin-02!): “you're missing the part about propaganda. chinese idols have to hold up "chinese culture/good morals/examples of good citizens" they are not gonna be promoting a play boy idol since it "corrupts" the family values and state system.”

You are absolutely right, and it’s also a point that supports the second part of this post. We tend to forget about it, but the national propaganda has shaped the country from its core. Without it, the country would be very different today. Not better or worse, just... different, since propaganda, for all its bad reputation, has played a large part in their economic growth and their position in the world economy today.

#ask #my post #I think I should create a tag for this kind of asks #c-culture #those who have questions (short or related to post) can leave a comment and I'll try to answer them when I can

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changlingrogue · 3 years

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Okay, a head's up, this got rambly and it will definitely have spoilers for Campaign 2 Episode 128, 127 and to be on the safe side 126. I'll tag it as "cr spoilers" and put it under a cut though.

Okay, so, starting from the jump the episode is a little anxiety inducing as it picks up directly where last week's left off with Caleb, Jester and Veth confronted by Trent down in the basement. Trent only appears to want to talk (being the mofo he is, his words are just as dangerous as his magic), but Caleb isn't having any of that and starts things off with casting Wall of Fire (I think?) to separate them from Trent. Trent dispels it and still seems interested in talking until Caleb casts a Firebolt at him. Veth follows up with her attack which does work and then Jester tries another Word of Recall which Trent tries to Counterspell with a horrifying nat 20, but it gets cancelled out by Caleb's nat 20 and the three of them escape to Nicodranas, outside on the Brenatto family's balcony. A couple of takeaways from this encounter:

Was trying to fight Trent the best idea, no. But like I can't say I blame Caleb. Liam made it very clear that Caleb was terrified. He was going off of raw emotions and being confronted by the man that ruined his life in a place that held a lot of emotional trauma for him... can't say most people would be able to keep a cool head.

It does still make me wonder how things would have went if Trent had been able to talk. Would they have been able to leave without things ending up like they ultimately did or was it just a way for Trent to keep control of the situation? Maybe a bit of both? Trent certainly risks losing more now that he has to come up with some sort of explanation for what happened at the sanitarium and given that the whole Cerberus Assembly is under investigation, its not a good look. Veth's decision to steal some of those crystals did alert Trent to what they were doing and is maybe part of the reason he's pursuing them so aggressively, but I feel like its going to be one of those things that really helps them out in the future. I was happy when it was proposed to keep at least one for evidence, because I think if it's used in the right way and given to the right people it might be a nail in the coffin Trent (hopefully) finds himself in.

To jump off from the crystal point, I'm really digging how in this campaign player choices have at times had some really interesting a longstanding consequences/rewards. Like it really makes the world feel alive, and that its not revolving around M9. Like for one of the more "positive" examples, Beau telling Dairon about how she was kidnapped and forced into the Cobalt Soul lead to the eventual arrest and upcoming trail of Zeenoth and the apology Beau deserved for years. But on the flip side, as we learn eventually, when the rest of the party joins back up with them in Nicodranas, Jester mentioning The Ruby of the Sea gives Trent a lead of where to find them. (I'd also like to mention that Team Outtie or Audi, lol, did a pretty good job. Fjord really came through with Arcane Gate, Marine Layer and even Major Image. It didn't stop Trent but it did keep the Guards busy. Caduceus got them out quick with Word of Recall and while Beau's umm, assassination attempt was brutal, she did keep the Guard on top of the tower from doing anything and she alerted Team Outtie to the arrival of Trent and more Guards.)

But back to Nicodranas and M9 trying to get their families there ferried away to safety. I really did nearly cry from the conversations Jester and Veth had. I adore Jester and mother's relationship, like Marion is one of my favorite of Matt's NPCs for more than reason and I love how just... loving and understanding she is. And I really like Yeza for that similar reason. Those two conversations really stuck out to me because of like... idk, I guess they sort of hit home a bit? With Jester and her mom it's the shift of being the one whose protected to the one who is the protector that I (and other adults) experience at one point when it comes to your parents as they get older. It's not as wild as keeping them safe from a powerful mage and his magic assassins, but it's a total flip in a relationship that you've had since you were younger.

And with Veth it's about being a parent and a partner and having to make choices and sometimes sacrifices to keep them safe. I'm really glad Veth and Yeza got a chance to talk and be open with one another, for at least a bit. I was surprised by Yeza's perspective of things and how he felt he was also guilty of putting their family in harm's way because I always assumed like, at least when it came to working with the Assembly he didn't have much a choice ( Idk if I just missed that part or it was mentioned in Talks or not), but him saying that he also took risks because he wanted to make something of himself and provide for Veth gives a new perspective of him and on his and Veth's relationship. Like now it seems more like he actually understands (on some level) Veth's conflicting feelings of wanting be an adventurer but wanting to be with her family too and that's why he's been so supportive of her vs him just kind of blindly supporting her. I really hope they continue to be open with one another and they keep talking about things, which I guess they might get a chance to again in the future if Veth actually does end up coming home to them for good after M9 takes care of the TombTakers. I'm sad about the idea of Veth leaving and not adventuring with the rest of M9, and I will legit cry if they say to goodbye but I can understand and respect her reasoning. She really did try to "have both" and for the things that they've been involved in, it, unfortunatly, doesn't work. Since reuniting with her family that's been one of her main conflicts and I'm happy that she finally seemed to come to a decision of what comprimises she can and can't make for the type of life she wants. I know a lot of the fandom won't be happy if Veth leaves and Sam creates another character but I like that Sam (and honestly everyone else as well) really plays his characters to who they are as people. After those heartwrenching moments, the tension in the game picks up again as they find out that they're being watched by two inviduals who turn out to be Astrid and Eadwulf. Astrid basically tells them to get everyone they care about and get the fuck out of Nicodranas since they've been dispatched to get them, and from some invisable tailing by Veth, we learn that there's another Volstrucker in town, along with fucking Trent himself and that they're only a few blocks away from the Lavish Chateu. So M9 gets themselves and the families together and steaths to Yussa's tower, hoping he could help them get somewhere else quick, only to find that he can't be reached at the moment. Luckily, his servant Wentsworth knows of something that might help and after some searching a Detect Languages spell, they find a scroll that has the spell Plane Shift and a tuning fork that they're unsure which plane its atturned to.

My thoughts on this are:

That I'm not sure if they're lucky or unlucky at this point. Because on one hand they're literally on the run from one of the most powerful mages in the Empire, but on the otherhand they've managed to escape him twice, despite the odds being against them. I really want to know what plane they're on, there's a lot of speculation that its the Plane of Fire which sounds terrible, but I'm not that versed in like D&D lore so maybe it's not as bad as it sounds in my head. I agree with Matt that thinking to use the Happy Fun Ball as a way to transport some of their people was pretty clever, I just hope they made the right choices for who went inside and who stayed outside. This is Yasha's first time in the ball! I wish it was under better circsumstances so that everyone could be there and they could actually explore but I wonder what her reaction will be. When she's not making out with Beau, lol. I'm not as worried for the group in the ball as I am for the group outside of it, I think Beau, Yasha and Fjord will be able to get to an exit without too much trouble as long as they don't stumble across any surprises that aren't on the map. And I'm very intrigued with how Astrid is shaping up as a character. I like so far what Matt is doing with her and I like that she's shaping up to not just be the "bad bitch/ruthless" villain archetype that a lot of female characters end up being. That character can be fun and enjoyable in certain things and when there's more beneath the surface, but it's nice to see that Astrid actually does care about Caleb. I was suspicious of her intentions before, but I feel that Matt has made it clear that while her and Eadwulf are still adversaries to the M9, they do care about Caleb and want to help him out. I feel for the whole Blumenthal Trio one way or another. To close things, because this had gotten way too long, lol. I can't wait for the next episode. Hopefully everything will work out for them and they can get the families to safety, though I don't know if sending them to the Gentleman is a good idea. But we'll see eventually!

#critical role #cr spoilers #long text post #campaign 2 ep 128 #cr ramblings

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meichenxi · 3 years

Note

For the ask game! 9, 12, and 22?

Yay more askies :D this is going to be likewise long!

9) What does a week in your language learning routine look like?

- I’m not particularly disciplined in the way that I study, though I do tend to study most days. I’m very good at making plans but less at following them consistently, so this is a more realistic depiction of what I do!

- Because I’m currently studying with HSK Online and they have two classes a week which cover about 3 chapters, I have a lot of vocabulary and grammar that I need to cover in the app before attending those classes, so most of my studies at the moment are focused on getting that done. So:

Vocabulary and grammar:

(I do this all most days, depending on what exactly I need to do for the next lesson, but I try to do Quizlet every day)

1) I go through the vocabulary and grammar lessons, and write down the vocab and any example sentences.

2) When I input this into Quizlet, I use Baidu Translate to look at example sentences to get a better feel for how the word is used. I also write a couple of sentences / say a couple of sentences with each word. Baidu Translate is a fantastic tool, much better for Chinese than Google Translate, and it has an example sentences section where you can get the pinyin if you hover over the characters.

3) After I feel I vaguely know the words for that day, I will go back and actively study them on Quizlet. For any words I forget I’ll write more sentences, or look at more examples. If there are any grammar points, I look them up on Chinese grammar wiki.

Input and reading

(I don’t do these at any specific time, but luckily I quite enjoy this section so am very happy to Consume Media)

1) Try to read something every day. It doesn’t matter exactly what this is - often it’s Bilibili comments! I also like to skim through my graded reader and try to practice scan-reading.

2) I do dedicated HSK-style reading practice a few times a week as well. Again, I use the HSK Online app for this. It’s terrifying but necessary. This one I do have to motivate myself to do.

3) I watch a lot of Chinese shows. Some with English subs, some with Chinese subs. My favourites include The Untamed (obviously), Nirvana in Fire (will always need the subs for this rip), Tian Guan Ci Fu (a donghua on Bilibili) and Street Dance of China. I probably watch a good 5-10 hours of TV a week.

4) I learn other things through Chinese. So I watch lectures or courses on Bilibili or do workout videos. I especially like watching videos teaching beginners Cantonese and Japanese, two languages I am interested in learning, as well as Literary Chinese.

5) I listen to podcasts in Chinese when I’m walking around. My favourites include 聊聊东西, 听故事学中文 and 面包吐司. They are all in Chinese, but all specifically designed for foreigners, though the first and last are not learning podcasts, just podcasts of fairly accessible content where people chat about things like smoking, health, dating and so on. The second one is a podcast where stories are read in Chinese, and then explained sentence-by-sentence in Chinese, so it’s more ‘learning’.

12 - What tips would you give to people that want to study the language/s you’re studying?

1) It’s an uphill slog, but you’re at the hardest place right now. So if you feel discouraged, if you feel overwhelmed, nobody else got it after one month either! It will take time, but is there anything worthwhile that doesn’t?

2) Invest in good pronunciation training right from the beginning. If you can’t take classes, watch videos (YoYo Chinese, Outlier Chinese, Mandarin Blueprint etc have good tone series). Practice tone pairs. Tone pairs are your saviours. Practice repeating what the speaker actually says, not what you think they say. Learn a little bit about phonetics.

3) Listen to Chinese right from the get go, as much as you can. Listening is many people’s weakest area, especially if they are learning it in a non-Chinese speaking environment. Play podcasts all the time. Differentiate between ‘learning’ podcasts (which will mostly be in English at the beginning), and podcasts that just train your ear to the sounds of Chinese. Have Chinese podcasts on all the time, regardless of whether you understand them or not.

4) Invest in a structured course. I don’t necessarily mean classes with a teacher, though if you can I would recommend italki (feel free to contact me to see which teachers I’d recommend). But consider something like Chinese Zero to Hero, where they have videos explaining HSK1 through to HSK6. It’s about 100 dollars, but even if you have to save up for a few months to get that, I’d recommend it. Why? Because Chinese is overwhelming and there’s so much to learn. Having someone to tell you what you need to learn next is an absolute god-send. Plus, they know more than you what beginners need to tackle. They also have beginner-appropriate audio, which is absolutely crucial to learning to speak. I really would recommend this course.

5) Learn properly about how characters work from the get go. Learn about phonetic and semantic components. Learn what types of characters there are, learn the most common components, and learn to hand-write them too.

6) Record yourself speaking as much as you can. Play it back. How does it sound? Record it again.

7) Practice reading from the moment you have around 150 characters. There are excellent physical graded readers as well as apps like The Chairman’s Bao and Du Chinese. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE IT OUT. It takes time for you to get used to reading in a second language, especially one with unfamiliar characters.

8) Decide whether you’re going for traditional or simplified, and stick with it. Do not learn both unless you have a very good reason. If you think you might go to Hong Kong or Taiwan, have family there, want to read literary Chinese, or even understand ‘deeper’ how certain characters have developed, you can learn traditional, but if you’re less than 100% sure, go with simplified. It’s easier for beginners, and if you have a good level of simplified Chinese, traditional isn’t that hard to pick up later down the line - some common characters are completely different, but many are different in very predictable ways. If you are not absolutely sure you are going to need traditional, I’d recommend simplified.

9) Really, really consider your motivation. Why are you learning? Do you just think it would be cool? It is cool, but that’s not enough of a reason to embark on any language, much less one with extra difficulties like Chinese. In an ideal situation, you’d be intrinsically motivated all the time: but that’s not always going to happen. Do you have Chinese family you’d like to communicate with better? Do you want to travel to a Chinese speaking country? Do you want to read Chinese poetry? Do you just really love Xiao Zhan?? If you’re doing it ‘for your career’, please bear in mind that you won’t get any points for learning half a language. If you’re not willing to engage with the culture and the people, you’re just not going to be successful long term.

10) Find things you like watching / listening to / reading in Chinese as soon as you can. Bored? Unmotivated? Stick a favourite episode of your favourite drama on. It still technically counts as immersion, and when your language skills are better, you’ll be able to use that as your textbook!! Try and find something that will make you want to read or listen in Chinese, and then it won’t feel like a chore. It’ll also become a motivation, because inevitably the more you explore the Chinese language internet, the more you’ll find things you can’t interact with in translation and need your language skills for.

22 - How has learning about the culture of the country impacted your language learning?

Hmm, this is a really interesting question!! I'll have to answer in a few ways.

1) I'm interested in a lot of things about Chinese culture, which fuelled my interest for learning Chinese, and also let me learn in a more fun way. I’m a huge tea nerd, I enjoy listening to Chinese traditional music though I know very little about it, and I enjoy calligraphy. I think that some hanfu is just objectively the most gorgeous clothing on the planet and I enjoy Chinese water-and-mountain style landscape art. I also love the karst landscapes of some parts of southern China (OH MY GOD LIMESTONE MY FAVOURITE ROCK) and I’ve had a faded picture of Zhangjiajie on my wall since I was about nine. This is very different from my experience with German: I love the German language, and I have a lot of great friends from German-speaking countries, but I’m not intrinsically interested in the culture the same way I am Chinese-speaking countries. Because there’s so much I want to learn, it gives me a) huge motivation for continuing studying, b) makes it a more holistic, rounded experience, and c) provides me with wonderful study materials. At the intermediate level, I can avoid textbooks if I really want to and just learn about tea. Isn't that just the dream. Also, realistically, if I want to be able to read poetry in literary Chinese, my modern Chinese has to be a lot better. So I’m very motivated because of this.

2) My interest in martial arts! I originally started learning Chinese because I had gotten interested in Chinese culture via wuxia and martial arts. My dad is a huge martial arts nerd. By that I don’t mean someone who sits on his sofa all day with a nunchuck collection and Bruce Lee pictures, I mean he gets up at 6 every day and trains for about 2-3 hours. He can run a 5:30 minute mile aged 56. I have so much respect for this man, seriously. He used to practice karate, taekwondo and Muay Thai, but after he got sick he started with taiji. He’s practiced taiji and qigong now every day for about twenty years. So I was brought up on a diet of Hong Kong and mainland Chinese martial arts cinema - my dad would regularly show me clips of films because I couldn’t watch the whole ones until I was older, and get into trouble when my mum came back! We spent hours learning forms together and doing push-hands in the kitchen. Even now when we go home our form of affection is trying to kick each other without being kicked back lmao. I discovered the Jin Yong books in English about 15 and was just entranced by the names of the movements, by the action, the galloping across the plains, the sweeping scenery. I have inherited this interest, and am also a huge martial arts nerd and so a large motivation for me learning Chinese is that a) I love the genre of wuxia and want to know more about it, and b) I’d like to spend a few years training at an academy in Wudang and want to be able to understand as much as possible and for that, I obviously need the language to a high level!!! I started jiu jitsu when I was 8, started a southern style of Kung Fu when I was fifteen, studied for a few months in China in an academy, and it’s been my dream to go back since.

3) Different cultural attitudes, the outside park culture, and how people talk to each other. I’m from the UK, alright - we don’t do things in public and we certainly don’t approach strangers!! So when I was in China this was one of the weirdest things to get used to, next to just the sheer amount of people (I grew up in a village of 2000). But though it was tiring at times, I liked it so much. It was so refreshing to have people ask me questions because they were curious, and start talking to me. One of the reasons that I think my accidental immersion-only approach to learning Chinese the first time I was in China worked was because I just couldn’t stay away from the parks. People practicing taiji, playing badminton, chilling with kids, doing calisthenics: isn’t that just so so cool??? And naturally if I was in the parks, people would chat to me. This patience and friendliness (because my Chinese truly was awful) combined with many people’s lack of ability / confidence in English meant that I was able to improve in a way which would have been impossible in, say, Germany or Finland. Can you imagine?? Once an old guy came up to me, peered over my shoulder at my (English) book, then announced loudly, ‘I can’t read it.’ I was like - can you read English?? He shook his head, and then pointed to a small boy: ‘This is my grandson. He’s learning English.’ That kind of interaction repeated daily, as well as being in a second-tier city where I had to speak Chinese, did so much for my language skills. It also made me very motivated to improve. Also, training and exercise is just a great way to meet people: no matter your language skills, if you are dedicated people are going to respect that, and if you’re both there every day, you’re going to get chatting eventually.

Phew, that got long again (what a surprise). But thank you very much for your questions!! :D

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blysse-and-blunder · 3 years

Text

5pm, jan 2, 2021

in lieu of a commonplace book

the first weekly roundup of 2021! very glad I began this posting project last week when I had actual things to talk about, because I spent this week in an untamed fugue state and knowing I’d want to write this has made me take breaks to think about other media!

reading I have a couple of different books on the boil right now, I borrowed Return of the Thief from @hematiterings and have ripped through the first quarter but I’m going to hold off expressing Thoughts until I’ve read more. Also spent some time with The Traveling Cat Chronicles which deserves to be read more slowly than I currently am. It’s prompting me to think a lot about translation, about how the translator has rendered the cat’s thoughts and speech into a register of english that feels less ~translated~ (more unaffected? more idiomatic?) than the humans themselves and some parts of the narration, and I really wish I had literally any Japanese at all to check what that might reflect in the original. I feel like this book is going to make me sad, which is why I’m reading it rapidly.

listening episodes 90 + 91 of Critical Role’s first campaign, Voice of the Tempest and Vox Machina Go to Hell, and the TalksMachina eps for both. here again, I’m trying mainly to push through these so that I can get on to the second campaign, which just feels disloyal! but it’s true! after a certain character left (which made me cry while taking a bath, curse you Sam Reigel), I started quietly mourning the whole party so that I’d be ready to let go, even though there’s actually a lot of content left still. Really grateful for TalksMachina actually, even if I was skeptical when I first saw them in the feed-- the fan questions are helping me think more about the events of the episodes when I’m not actually super tuned in, and helping me assess the importance of stuff.

watching so I finished the Untamed and immediately started watching the Untamed Special Edition on Youtube, rewatching the Netflix series from the beginning, and trying to convince people like @un-serial-writer to stream it with me... enough, this is not what you came here to talk about. @pep-squad-lizzie and I resumed our Wednesday night Haikyuu! sessions and finished the stuff on Netflix, and I’m very excited to see where the good good volley boys go next! nationals??! ah?! The ending of S2 was extremely tense and I’m still not sure I love how it went down-- you don’t want to win bc of your opponent’s mistake, you both want to do your best! YOI taught me that!-- but I have reflected and decided that it really had to have been a fluke that gave Karasuno the w, the match-up was too close otherwise. ugh.

playing Monday night was our D&D zoom ~holiday party~ where everyone came dressed up and I treated myself to a beer more than I usually have during a session, and we caught up to the Boss we’ve been Pursuing up the Mountain this whole time. Didn’t even end up killing her, though, because we got a talking to from a kindly but terrifying monk last time and our fighter took the ‘stop killing when you could communicate!’ lesson to heart. As a squishier bard, however, I spent at least two different rounds of the boss fight actually on fire so I was prepared to go for the jugular, but luckily we managed to subdue her and get out of combat without any of us dying. I think the next sesh is going to be mostly epilogue and I’m excited to see how we satisfy our mission without actually killing her?

making I glued my slipper back together where the sole was pealing off/ coming unstitched from the upper, and uhhhh that’s about it. going to have to revisit the starter soon, she is lonely :(

working on I may have failed horribly at doing paid work hours between Dec 28 and today and instead allowed mdzs / cql fic to nuke several complete days, but I did an hour of German translation each day for the last little while and I’ve worked on my lines for the Zoom play I’m going to be in next week. I still have to finish drafting that conference paper, also for next week, and make a conference schedule. And do some paid work hours. eek. January just started and I already can’t wait to get through it.

#I could have mentioned an untamed media thing for each of the first few categories but I didn't and that is Growth #in lieu of a commonplace book #weekly roundup

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heartofether · 3 years

Text

Episode 12 - Bicycle TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

[GROWING SLOWER THROUGHOUT] Please state your message.

[THEME MUSIC AND INTRODUCTION PLAYS.]

VAL

Three-Eyed Frog Presents: The Heart of Ether.

[THEME CONTINUES BEFORE COMING TO A STOP.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. THE OPEN EYES BOOKSTORE, UPSTAIRS.]

[PHOEBE AND HOLLY ARE HEARD GOING UP THE STAIRS TO THE APARTMENT.]

PHOEBE

[RUSHED] I’m so sorry I called you on such short notice, it’s just—oh, I have a bird by the way, her name is Michelle, I’m sorry I forgot to tell you, but I, anyways—it’s just that it all happened really fast, and I just need to talk about—

[AS SHE TALKS, PHOEBE IS HEARD OPENING THE DOOR TO THE APARTMENT AND CLOSING IT BEHIND HER AND HOLLY AS THEY WALK INSIDE. IN THE APARTMENT, THE OCCASIONAL CHIRPING OF MICHELLE IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HOLLY

[OVERLAPPING] Dude, it’s chill. Really.

Oh, and uh, I got you something. It’s from that super pretentious place around the block. I know you don’t like coffee, but I hope matcha is okay?

PHOEBE

…oh! Oh, my gosh! I didn’t even realize you were carrying anything, um—thank you! Wow. Thank you so much, er—matcha’s great! Wait, how much was it, I can—

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS.] No need to pay me back. It’s a gift.

PHOEBE

[A BEAT, THEN, SINCERE] Thank you.

HOLLY

No problem, I’ll just set it on the table here—?

PHOEBE

That works, yeah.

HOLLY

Cool.

[HOLLY IS HEARD WALKING TO THE TABLE AND SETTING THE CUP DOWN.]

HOLLY

…so, is your friend okay?

PHOEBE

...what?

HOLLY

The one you said got attacked.

[A BRIEF PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, I er uh, heh, got distracted. But yes, they’re okay.

HOLLY

[SHE CHUCKLES.] I gotta hand it to ‘em. Of all the things I expected to hear about when you called me, sentient mold was not on the list.

PHOEBE

I’m still not sure how it works, honestly. I’ve been trying to go through Grandma Doe’s notes, see if she had anything about the mold. At the very least, Valencia knew about it, because he had big jugs of lemonade saved in case of an attack—which I didn’t even know lemonade lasted that long.

HOLLY

He must have had some way of preserving it. Maybe more spooky weirdness?

PHOEBE

[SHE GIGGLES.] I doubt it. I mean, I suppose the lemonade doesn’t have to be safe for human consumption, so long as it works on the mold.

HOLLY

[UNSEEN NOD] Mm, sure.

PHOEBE

I still haven’t found much about the mold itself, though. I’ll have to keep looking.

HOLLY

Gotcha.

So, shouldn’t we be down in the backroom looking? ‘Cause you brought me up to the apartment—

PHOEBE

There’s a reason for that.

HOLLY

…oh?

PHOEBE

Er, can we, sit down?

HOLLY

Oh, yeah.

[THEY ARE HEARD PULLING THE CHAIRS OUT AND SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE.]

PHOEBE

[NERVOUSLY RAMBLING] Look, I, I don’t know what’s going on. All this stuff, what, with my grandma’s research, whatever Valencia was doing—I mean, he has even more research apparently, which, wow.

And I’ve been really stressed about it, what with all my already existing shop worries, now I’m facing this unknown, inhuman power without any—

HOLLY

[OVERLAPPING, COMFORTING] Hey, I understand. That shit out there? It’s pretty terrifying. You’re allowed to be worried about it.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

Why do you care?

HOLLY

What?

PHOEBE

[GUILTY] …oh, gosh, I’m so sorry, that was so rude of me, I mean, uh—about all of this. You said you were looking for, like, monsters or something, when you came in. Why do you care so much about helping me? I mean, evidently, it’s really dangerous. Seriously, someone I know was nearly killed today. So, why are you so, um, I guess, invested?

[A BEAT.] If you don’t mind answering, that is. I know that might be, er, kinda personal. Sorry.

[A LONG PAUSE.]

HOLLY

Did you know that owls are my favorite animal? That’s why I was so enthralled by that wicked statue your grandmother put out in the shop. They’ve been my favorite for a few years. And you wanna know why that is?

It’s because they’re so, I don’t know, calculated. They’re silent killers. Widely respected. People associate them with wisdom, and mystery, but there’s also a hunger there. A need to survive, and they know damn well how to do it. It’s not even uncommon for them to eat other owls.

PHOEBE

Um, I—

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS.] Sorry, I just, owls are super fuckin’ cool. I promise I’m going somewhere with this. Hang tight.

PHOEBE

[SHE GIGGLES.] Okay.

HOLLY

So, owls. They’re calculated, but they’ve got, like, a fierce hunger in their eyes.

And I…I’ve got a hunger. I mean, I’m not eating owls, obviously, no, it’s a metaphorical hunger. A need to…to act. To protect. I used to be so good at standing by silently, watching, unnoticed, but unlike the owl, who hunts, I never did anything. I was frozen in place.

[SOFTER, SHAKILY] And then, when I needed to protect someone, I failed. I watched silently, but I never struck. I walked away…empty-handed.

[SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.] I’m not doing that again. If people are in danger, and there’s any way I can help, I’m going to step in. Whatever I can do.

[ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

I’m sorry, Holly.

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS IT OFF] Don’t worry about it. It’s all in the past. Just, I want to make sure nobody suffers at the hands of whatever monstrous forces we’re dealing with.

PHOEBE

That’s really admirable.

HOLLY

Thanks.

[FLATTERING] I mean, I’m no braver than you. You’re kinda diving head-first into all of this. That’s badass.

PHOEBE

[FLUSTERED] Oh, um, thank you! Heh.

[MUTTERS] I mean, I didn’t really have a choice, it was this or burn the shop down…

HOLLY

What?

PHOEBE

D—Don’t worry about it! Um, sorry. Thank you again.

HOLLY

Of course.

[SOFTLY, SINCERE] You’re really special. You know? You and this shop.

PHOEBE

[A BEAT, THEN, SOFTLY] You seem so certain about that.

HOLLY

I am.

PHOEBE

[REALIZATION] Oh.

[LONG, GAY PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.] Sorry, sorry, um…There is one way you can help. Not just, um, you know, carrying boxes. It’s a big thing, um, and also why I brought you up here.

HOLLY

Oh, alright.

PHOEBE

I said my grandmother didn’t leave any guide behind to help me? Well, I lied.

[A BEAT, THEN, RUSHING TO REASSURANCE] I promise that’s the only lie I told you, though, and I had a good reason for it.

She…she left a box. Full of super secret letters. You’re the only person I’ve told. Irene doesn’t know anything about it.

HOLLY

I mean, you don’t have to tell me about anything you’re not comfortable sharing, Phoebe—

PHOEBE

[OVERLAPPING] I need help with something, and I don’t know how you’re gonna feel about it because I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

HOLLY

[WARY] …I said I’d do anything to help. Whatever it is.

PHOEBE

Do you promise? To keep it a secret and not, um, freak out, I guess?

HOLLY

[A BEAT.] Cross my heart.

PHOEBE

Okay. Okay! I actually don’t think I should record this next bit, so I’m gonna turn it off, but in order to actually read the research, I have to—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[ANOTHER PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT, NIGHT.]

[THERE IS THE CREAKING OF A PULLOUT MATTRESS.]

CAROL

Hope it’s not too uncomfortable for ya’.

IRENE

Honestly? I’m just glad to have a place to sleep. Thank you.

CAROL

Not a problem, Irene. You’re always welcome here.

[THERE IS A LONG PAUSE. IRENE IS HEARD ADJUSTING HER BLANKET BRIEFLY.]

CAROL

Right. Well, I’m guessing you have questions, and it’s been a hell of a day. If you’ve got ‘em, now is the best time to ask.

IRENE

[SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT.] What was that?

CAROL

[A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH.] I wish I had a good enough answer for you, Irene. We’ve just been calling it the mold. Well, those I’ve talked to about it, that is.

IRENE

So, you don’t exactly know what it is, but you’ve heard of it.

CAROL

More than that, I’ve seen it myself before.

IRENE

[TAKEN ABACK] Before today?

CAROL

Mm. [GRIM] A while back, I was visiting a real close friend of mine. We were, ah, having tea out on her patio. It was a nice day. Didn’t seem like a catastrophe was gonna happen. We talked for a while before she said she had to go to the restroom and went inside.

I’m a patient woman, Irene, but after about twenty minutes, I knew something was wrong. I opened the back door and called out to her, but got no response. When I went inside to check on her, she didn’t answer when I knocked on the bathroom door. I was worried something had happened to her, but…man, I never could have seen it comin’.

The mold had spread out all across her bathroom. She laid dead in the center, just like that ol’ inspector. I haven’t been the same since then.

I tried my best to move on, but I didn’t get the time to. About a week later, that same mold started growing in my own house. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I shouldn’t touch it. So, I did all I could think to do: move out. I got this here apartment as soon as I could. I’m lucky I got out in time. After I moved, it didn’t come after me again, and I hadn’t seen it since. Until today, that is.

I’ve hardly told anyone about this. I mean, hell, I was worried people would think I’m crazy. I told Aden about it ‘cause I trust him and care for his safety, and thankfully, he believed me. I would have probably told you eventually if it hadn’t gotten you first.

IRENE

[DEFEATED] So you don’t know what causes it.

CAROL

[SHE CHUCKLES DRYLY.] Hell, until today, I didn’t even know there was a way to kill it.

[IRENE SIGHS.]

CAROL

Look, I know there’s something going on in this town, Irene. I’m not blind. I’ve seen things that can definitely be classified as strange, and in fact, I’d count Valencia under that category even before I saw his research.

I’ve never gotten any answers, though, just glimpses into something I know is there, but don’t understand yet.

IRENE

[A WEAK CHUCKLE.] Like some big secret the whole town is keeping, but they don’t actually know the secret.

CAROL

I’m sorry I can’t offer you more than that.

IRENE

It’s fine. I can’t expect you to know everything.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

CAROL

Well, I’m gonna go take a shower.

IRENE

[SHE CHUCKLES AGAIN.] I don’t blame you. My skin is crawling after spending so much time around the mold.

CAROL

It’s open to you next if you want it.

IRENE

No. [SHE YAWNS.] I’m going to try to get some work done.

CAROL

Well, make sure you get some rest soon, alright?

IRENE

Sure. Goodnight, Carol.

CAROL

Night, Irene.

[THERE’S FOOTSTEPS THAT TRAIL OFF BEFORE CAROL CLOSES THE BEDROOM DOOR. IRENE SHIFTS.]

IRENE

Right. Where do I even begin?

After we found out it was weak to lemons, we poured the jugs of lemonade Valencia had over all the mold we could find. It wasn’t enough for the whole house, obviously. We had to go to the store and buy more.

[SHE CHUCKLES.] I have no right to judge the meat lady anymore. Imagine the look on the cashier’s face when Carol and I went up with twenty bottles of lemonade.

Luckily, it didn’t spread anymore while we were at the store. I think our initial dousing weakened it—or, however that works.

I called Phoebe about it, and she said she’ll look into it. Aden was worried that the sugar contents in the store-bought lemonade would render it ineffective. [SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY.]

Honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to repay Aden. While we were cleaning up the mold, not only did he check in on us constantly, he brought us food once we were done. We never did get lunch like we planned, obviously. Even if he didn’t help with the mold itself, I’m still thankful he was there. As overwhelming as his worried spam can occasionally be.

[A BEAT, THEN, IN A GUILTY AND ALMOST SCARED TONE] The mold inspector…we tried to do something with him. His body just deteriorated, though. We could barely even pick him up without his flesh falling apart—and no, we didn’t use our hands, of course we didn’t.

We had to use garden tools to put his decomposing remains into several layers of garbage bags. Carol said she disposed of it as best she could. I hope she’s right.

The van is still there, though, which is part of why I’m spending the night here. [mutters] Also, because lemonade is incredibly sticky, and right now, my entire house is covered in its gooey residue.

I know his death is going to come back to haunt me. I’m not stupid. At least the guy worked independently, I guess? He probably had a family, though. I have no idea what to do. I mean, I wish I could have prevented it, but—

[SHE STOPS HERSELF. THERE’S A PAUSE.]

IRENE

I’m trying not to think about it right now. [TRYING TO JOKE, BUT FAILING] I mean, this town seems to be all for covering up people who disappear without a trace, right?

I guess I should be happy I got answers, right? Got a whole attic full of them. I’m not, though. I’m the most terrified I’ve ever been. There’s something out there, something that isn’t human—maybe multiple somethings—and as far as I know, it’s shown that it wants to hurt me.

What if the mold comes back? [A BEAT.] What if something more powerful than the mold comes after me, now that I’ve proven to be a threat?

Look, I should get some work done. I’m sure I’ll be up all night thinking about this, but right now, I have a schedule to keep. Clearly, I didn’t get anything done after around noon, so I have some work to catch up on.

[THE MATTRESS CREAKS AS IRENE GRABS HER BAG AND BEGINS TO LOOK THROUGH IT. IT STOPS AS SHE PULLS OUT HER LAPTOP.]

IRENE

Thankfully, along with some spare clothes, I was able to grab my laptop. We’ll see how long that occupies my mind.

[THERE’S CLICKING NOISES AS IRENE TURNS ON HER COMPUTER. A BRIEF PAUSE.]

IRENE

[HESITANT] There’s another new audio file on my computer. It—it’s labeled as the date of the incident.

[A BEAT.] You know what? I could just close my computer. I’ve been through enough today. I don’t have to put myself through more.

...who am I kidding? I’m just going to keep worrying about it otherwise. Might as well get it over with.

[SHE CLICKS IT.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM, THE NIGHT SHE WENT MISSING.]

[ROSE IS HEARD FRANTICALLY PACKING A BAG.]

ROSE

[PANICKED] I think she—it—I think it’s gotten back up.

My name is Rosemary Quinn. Rosemary Quinn. If you’re listening to this, don’t come after me. Don’t—

[A VASE IS HEARD BREAKING IN THE BACKGROUND. ROSE GASPS.]

ROSE

It’s my mom. She did something. I don’t know what. Some sort of ritual? Not a traditional one or anything like that. I don’t know what it was she was doing.

I just—I walked in on her screaming, and there was blood coming from her eyes, and then she just—she just started changing! I can’t describe it! It’s like her body was morphing into a different body, like, like clay, I don’t—

[THERE’S A LOUD BANGING AT THE DOOR. ROSE YELPS.]

GRACE?

[IN A DISTORTED, INHUMAN VOICE, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR] Rose, dear, won’t you open the door? What are you so afraid of?

[A BRIEF, EERIE INSTRUMENTAL ECHOES IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ROSE

[WHISPERING] No. No, please no.

It tried to attack me, but I hit it over the head with a candleholder. That incapacitated it for a bit, but now I think it’s just angry.

[SHE ZIPS THE BAG SHUT.]

ROSE

Whatever that is, it is not my mother. I know she’s not a good person already, I know that, but that’s not her, it’s—

[ANOTHER BANGING AT THE DOOR.]

GRACE?

Rose. Open the door.

ROSE

Stop, please stop!

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

ROSE

Sir Griffin the Third? Were you, were you hiding under the bed this whole time?

[THE DOORKNOB JINGLES. CREEPY, DRAMATIC MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

GRACE?

Rose, dear, my patience has run very thin.

ROSE

[DISBELIEF] That voice. It sounds like…no. No.

GRACE?

I warned you.

ROSE

Stop. I’m begging you, stop! Mom? Mom, are you still in there? Mom, I’m sorry, please listen—

[ROSE’S MOM IS HEARD BREAKING DOWN THE DOOR. ROSE SCREAMS. THE DOORKNOB FALLS TO THE FLOOR.]

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow!

ROSE

Oh, I can’t just leave you here. Come here.

[SHE GRABS SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD. SHE IS HEARD OPENING HER BEDROOM WINDOW. THE SOUND OF WIND AND CRICKETS OUTSIDE IS HEARD AS SHE DOES THIS.]

GRACE?

Don’t think you can get away from me, dearest.

ROSE

[MUTTERING IN PANIC] No…no, no, no!

[ROSE IS HEARD CLIMBING OUT OF THE WINDOW ONTO THE GROUND AND RUNNING FOR HER BIKE.]

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

[ROSE IS HEARD LIFTING THE BIKE UP, ITS BELL CHIMING, AND CLIMBING ONTO IT.]

ROSE

[TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Come on, come on—I know you don’t like the basket, just—

[SHE IS CUT OFF BY A GLITCHING NOISE. THE MUSIC ENDS WITH THE CHIME OF A BELL. THERE IS BRIEF STATIC BEFORE ANOTHER GLITCHING NOISE.]

[ROSE IS HEARD RIDING HER BIKE FOR A FEW SECONDS, BREATHING HEAVILY. THE SAME NIGHTTIME AMBIANCE AS BEFORE IS STILL PRESENT.]

ROSE

...no, Sir Griffin the Third, stay in the—!

[SHE IS CUT OFF BY ANOTHER GLITCHING NOISE.]

[THE BIKE IS HEARD COMING TO A STOP. ROSE BREATHS HEAVILY AS SHE GETS OFF. SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD MAKES A CHIRPING NOISE.]

ROSE

I think…I think I’m far away enough now.

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

ROSE

[DISTRAUGHT, TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

ROSE

I’m sorry, but I can’t bring you with me. I didn’t even get to grab your food. I’m sorry. I’ll bring you somewhere where you’re safe, okay, baby? I promise.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

ROSE

I, um…I can’t go home. I don’t even think I can stay in Seattle. I don’t know if my mom will ever go back to her normal self, or if whatever that thing was is who she is now.

Regardless, I believe that the demon will continue to hunt me down, no matter whose body it has to use. It did not seem like a being that goes down easy.

[SAD YET BEAUTIFUL MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ROSE

[GRIM] My mom. I never got along with her. She was an awful person. I know that wasn’t her, though. I don’t know what she did, or what kind of forces she tried to harness, but it is not a kind or benevolent force.

I’m not quite sure what to do now. I mean, I suppose I wanted to run away, but not like this. How could I even tell Irene—

[A PAUSE.] Oh. Irene.

[SHE TAKES A SHAKY BREATH.] I can’t tell her. It will put her in too much danger. I can’t risk her getting involved with whatever it is that is chasing me.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

ROSE

[SHAKILY] Irene...Irene, if you’re listening to this, don’t come after me. I, I don’t know how you could ever be listening to this, but still. Don’t look for me. Not yet, at least.

I promise, when it’s safe, I’ll find you. I won’t abandon you. [SINCERE] Of course I wouldn’t. I just, I need to go away. Just for a little bit.

I love you, dear. So much. Wait for me.

[THE MUSIC AND NIGHTTIME AMBIANCE FADES OUT.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT, PRESENT DAY.]

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS IRENE PROCESSES WHAT SHE HEARD.]

IRENE

[QUIETLY] I love you, too.

[IRENE BEGINS CRYING.]

IRENE

I love you, too. [SHE SOBS.] Of course I do.

[SHE SOBS FOR A FEW MOMENTS LONGER.]

IRENE

[DETERMINED, BUT SHAKY] I don’t care what you said. I’m going to find you, Rose.

I’m going to find you.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today’s quote is: “Perhaps some day I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow.”

Sylvia Plath, as published in The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, 1982.

[A STRANGE, EERIE, ALMOST HOLLOW SOUND SLOWLY BUILDS IN THE BACKGROUND.

AUTOMATED VOICE

[SLOWING DOWN GRADUALLY] You are the outlet. We are the light.

[THE EERIE SOUND IS CUT OFF BY A LOUD WHOOSH.]

VAL

The Heart of Ether will return in Season Two.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

#heart of ether transcripts

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deadcactuswalking · 3 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 15/05/2021 (Coldplay, J. Cole, Trippie Redd & Playboi Carti)

I’m awful at predicting this chart, I really am, but most of that is probably down to how I only make vague predictions at the end of each episode without even considering most releases that’ll actually chart. Let’s just say I didn’t expect nine new arrivals this week. At the top, however, little has changed as the absolutely huge “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne with a remix featuring whoever the hell is spending its second week at #1. The rest of the chart, however, gets a bit more interesting. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

The biggest story to effect the chart this week is of course 2021’s BRIT Awards happening this Tuesday, which I’m sure boosted a lot of songs during the mid-week. I also actually covered the awards show on that day if you’re curious, with some of my observations, predictions and opinions. We can very clear see – or hear, for that matter – the impact of the BRIT Awards in this week’s chart, as it did cause a lot of gains and new arrivals that shook up the chart right in the middle of the tracking week. Firstly, we do have some drop-outs from the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, only one of them, “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy, being all that important given it was a top five hit but we do have a handful that lasted five or more weeks or peaked in the top 40, like “Medicine” by James Arthur flopping embarrassingly, “Addicted” by Jorja Smith dropping out to prepare for the rebound next week given her album release and “Solid” by Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna featuring Drake.

Speaking of Drake, he also provides the singular returning entry as “Wants and Needs” featuring Lil Baby is proving to be the actual hit from that three-pack from March, coming back to #65. Scaling down the chart, we also have some notable losses, songs that dropped at least five spots on this week’s chart. Those that fell include “Your Power” by Billie Eilish dropping harshly to #15 off of the debut, as well as “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #18, “Confetti” by Little Mix to #21 off of the return (with Saweetie, the artist quite literally solely the reason it’s had this second wind, still bizarrely left without a credit by the UK Singles Chart), “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #27, “Titanium” by Dave at #31, “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted (yes, THEY’RE credited) at #36, “Patience” by KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G at #42, “Heartbreak Anniversary” by Giveon at #44, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #47, “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack at #49, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #51, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 and Megan Thee Stallion at #55, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #56, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK at #59, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee at #67, “You” by Regard, Troye Sivan and Tate McRae at #69, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #70, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber getting ACR’d at #71, “Streets” by Doja Cat at #73 and finally, “6 for 6” by Central Cee at #75.

Filling up the room for those losses, however, are the gains, always a tad more interesting, as the songs that rose at least five spots on this week’s chart – or make their first appearance in the top 40, 20 or 10 – are usually having the BRITs to thank to some capacity. The climbers include “Summer 91 (Looking Back)” giving Noizu his first top 40 hit at #31 (and I’ll admit, the song is growing on me), Griff also getting her first with “Black Hole” at #35 thanks to her win and performance at the BRITs, “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI rebounding to #13 thanks to that once-again uncredited remix with Miley Cyrus and finally, entering the top 10 for the first time is “Anywhere Away from Here” by Rag’n’Bone Man and P!nk at #9, getting the boost from a perfect trifecta of gains: Rag’n’Bone Man released his album on Friday then on Tuesday had the closing performance of this song at the BRIT Awards with additional vocals from the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS choir, who are also now appearing on a new release of the song the day after, prompting a whole lot of sales, of which I assume and hope are going to charity. It’s Rag’n’Bone Man’s third top 10 hit, P!nk’s 21st(!) and interestingly enough, the NHS choir’s second top 10 hit as they had the Christmas #1 back in 2015. With all of that out of the way, I suppose it’s time to get to our varied array of new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#74 – “Dick” – Starboi3 featuring Doja Cat

Produced by Nius and SoFLY

This week is kind of a weird week if that wasn’t immediately obvious as our new arrivals are kind of all over the place, starting with... well, I think I could say less about the song than the title does. Starboi3 is this SoundCloud rapper from New Jersey who made a song with Doja back in 2019 – I assume she was more accessible for features back then –and it didn’t blow up at all, really, giving Starboi3 some additional traction but not until 2020, in which Doja Cat got her #1 hit and TikTok picked up this explicit single as a new sound. Sadly – or thankfully – the song was never released officially onto streaming until very recently, meaning, surely, the hype’s over by now? The answer to that is no, as it’s climbing up charts in both the UK and the Bubbling Under in the US... so there’s got to be something good about this song, right? Well, no. Not at all. Of course, that is subjective, but I do question your sanity if you’re honestly enjoying this unlikeable nobody shout “Dick!” over a basic, no-melody trap instrumental with heavy 808s not too dissimilar to drill, before going into a beyond basic chorus and verse about, well, you can guess, with rhymes sounding either like an awful freestyle or a kid with a rhyming dictionary. “She not with him tonight, she not with Jim tonight”? Of course, that’s in the post-chorus because if there’s one thing this song needs, it’s a freaking post-chorus. I also don’t think Starboi3 realises that making her scream for her parents is quite the opposite of sexy – or even raunchy and mindless, as it’s actually just creepy and terrifying. Speaking of terrifying, Doja Cat is here and not even she can add a less basic flow with a verse that just ends up going in one ear and out the other, even if I do like the seductive backing vocals that at least try to make this not a slow, joyless slog. However, I do NOT like the Pickle Rick reference. To be fair, this was 2019, but also to be fair, never reference that again, I am begging you. This is a disaster on all fronts and probably one of the worst tracks I’ve had to review in this series. Good start!

#64 – “Freaks” – Surf Curse

Produced by Surf Curse

This new song is actually even older, being released initially as a deep cut from this Nevada duo’s 2013 album. As you’ll probably tell, this is charting off of people streaming after hearing the song on TikTok and, I mean, at least the song’s actually good this time, careening off of a clearly surf-inspired clean riff surrounded by some basic drumming and a good bassline. It’s not great as it does feel increasingly basic as I said, almost like one of those local bands that don’t get much national attention or traction but do play some gigs and get some love at those places, to the point where it’s kind of big if they play shows outside of their region... which makes sense because that is exactly what they are. This is just some band from Reno but here it is charting on the UK Singles Chart and while it’s here, I should say whilst there’s not much here to discuss given how minimal it is, Nick Rattigan’s vocals are fittingly desperate for the theme of social alienation and particularly rejection as it’s pretty obvious he’s aiming venom at himself for a bad break-up, although given the sound and tone of the song, probably his first, with that double meaning of the mantra in the outro, “I won’t wake up this time”, potentially being a crushing line for someone in similar circumstances. That’s not me, exactly, so this doesn’t hit, but I’m glad that Machine Gun Kelly song from last week got replaced with some actually decent alternative rock on the chart. I hope this does well.

#60 – “One Day” – Lovejoy

Produced by Cameron Nesbitt

“One Day” is the biggest track from new English rock band Lovejoy’s debut EP, Are You Alright?, and whilst I was planning on not mentioning the fact that the band is fronted by Minecraft YouTuber Wilbur Soot, that is the only reason it’s charting – and he’s charted with “Your New Boyfriend” a couple months back, a song that I actually kind of liked. It’s also immediately obvious in the writing that this comes from an Internet personality, with some not-so-well-woven detail and increasingly gratuitous self-awareness that eventually cycles back and ends up as seeming like they have none at all... okay, like most indie bands but that’s beside the point. This happens to be Wilbur’s least favourite song on the release – one that I haven’t listened to because even if I’m not too old for mindless pop music, Minecraft YouTuber alt-rock may be where I draw the line – and I can completely understand the distaste for this given that it starts with the line, “Why’d you have to kill my cat?” I also have some qualms with the song sonically as it may be the most derivative rock single I’ve heard on this series, given how obviously it rips from indie rock bands of the 2000s, with an oddly clean mix that doesn’t exactly fit the obvious stream-of-consciousness lyrics and Wilbur’s erratic delivery. Also, there’s a whole lot of trumpet on this song, which I guess is a surprise, but that doesn’t make up for a drummer who can clearly play very well but has to chaotically play over a song with practically no groove. I do like that second chorus in how it builds up to a somewhat anti-climactic guitar solo but as a full song I do not really get the appeal of this that I don’t get out of other post-punk revival bands from decades back who are still pumping out music. This isn’t bad – I swear, don’t dox me – but I just want something more compelling from this. I will always be glad regardless of the quality that we have more rock on the chart, though, even if this’ll be gone by next week.

#57 – “It’s a sin” – Years & Years and Elton John

Produced by Stuart Price and the Pet Shop Boys

One of my favourite performance from the BRIT Awards this year was Olly Alexander of Years & Years sharing the stage with the iconic Elton John to cover Pet Shop Boys’ “It’s a Sin” which had renewed interest from last year as it was the namesake for a hit TV series about HIV/AIDS, for which this fittingly played a role and has kind of been recontextualised as a gay anthem, which makes complete sense if you look at its lyrics about the Church telling Neil Tennant “how to be”. It’s also one of the Pet Shop Boys’ most camp and theatrical songs, so giving it to Years & Years and Elton John to cover for the BRIT Awards make all too much sense. No, they’re not able to live up to the theatricality of the original, especially if Alexander’s vocals are going to be this clearly manipulated at points, but with Elton John’s piano laying a perfect foundation for the rising intensity of the track, we do get a sense of that original melodrama, with the synth-work and house groove coming in before Elton John’s voice, sounding smokier and wiser with age, and in my opinion, more compelling as a vocalist, especially if they’re both going to sell this song with the most convicted of deliveries. I don’t think a cover could ever live up to that original iconic track but if anyone’s going to get close, it’s Elton John. Expect this to rise next week.

#50 – “Never Left” – Lil Tecca

Produced by ThankYouWill, Taz Taylor and Cxdy

I’ll always be annoyed that Lil Tecca blew up as a rapper instead of a producer, as I don’t think this guy has any likeability or charisma about his flow, cadence or delivery, and that’s only after you get over how dry and whiny his voice can get. However, he can make some great and incredibly infectious beats for other rappers, including a song I see becoming a hit soon in SoFaygo’s “Knock Knock”, which I will bet on at least making the Billboard Hot 100 if not the UK Singles Chart. It’s unbelievably catchy. With that said, Tecca is here in the form of some SoundCloud raps over a boring synth pluck and vaguely tropical Internet Money trap beat, sounding and flowing way too much like Gunna for his own benefit, or Gunna’s benefit, if we’re honest, as this shows how easily he can be replaced. I usually don’t write off this type of rap and will absolutely defend it, but this song isn’t even catchy or unique. I mean, I don’t like “Ransom” either but at least it was kind of fun and I still know the lines in the chorus a couple years later. I’ll forget all about this by next week if it doesn’t stick around. At least he shouts out Chief Keef. God, I hope he charts sometime, that’d be funny.

#45 – “All I Know So Far” – P!nk

Produced by Greg Kurstin

So, P!nk is back but not with a studio album, rather an upcoming live album in which the two new, original songs are about or featuring her daughter. This is the second single from said album and is probably coasting off her appearance at the BRITs in terms of a relatively high chart debut. I’ve never been that big a fan of P!nk but she has her classics, none of which are in the past 15 years but that’s beside the point. This single in particular is an acoustic ballad dedicated to her daughter in which P!nk provides a rapid intensity alongside pretty great-sounding acoustic guitars, pounding drums and strings that sells the content about empowering yourself, with some nice lyrical detail about always being yourself, basically, which would come off as cliché and preachy if it weren’t for some oddly specific lyrics in those verses and the chorus that basically just tell her daughter that despite the fact the world will constantly try to crack down on her and everything she does much like life does to anyone but especially women, she should stand up for herself and what she believes in. However, none of that cuts deep when she’s being raised by a millionaire, huh? There’s little Hell to be put through when you’re born with a silver spoon, huh, Willow? Regardless, this isn’t a bad pop song and its content isn’t as misguided as it is just sang by the wrong singer, although I’d find it hard to get a singer with as much rasp and wisdom in the mainstream to sell this as convincingly as P!nk does – vocally, not lyrically. This is a couple steps above that last single, “Cover Me in Sunshine” at least, which was just insidious. Next.

#32 – “Miss the Rage” – Trippie Redd featuring Playboi Carti

Produced by Loesoe

Okay, so all of our last three new arrivals are in the top 40 and we start with... o-okay, well, it’s 2021, anything can and will chart and I should know this by now, but it’s still surprising to see a song by these two guys debut so high, especially since Whole Lotta Red produced absolutely no charting hits in the UK outside of “@ MEH”, which doesn’t really count. This is Trippie’s highest-charting song ever in the UK that isn’t fronted by KSI, so I guess streaming must have been that good – also, the charts are still weak. For what it’s worth, I do like both Trippie and Carti to their respective extents, and I am aware that this is only as big as it was because of the hype from the leak, which also featured Mario Judah, and that in itself was a big song but it took years for Carti’s feature to be cleared by the label, as is infamously true for much of Carti’s work and even his last official collaboration with Trippie that was actually deleted after release. I’m still hoping on an official release for his verse on Yung Lean’s “Yayo”, but whilst we have this instead, I might as well talk about it and... Well, let me explain to you what I see as the appeal of these two rappers. That appeal is, mostly, that they don’t rap even though they both very much can. Trippie yells, moans, growls, screams and spends most of his work singing in his typical raspy, venomous voice, whilst Playboi Cart spits and coughs his way through substance-less ad-libs to the point where any actual wordplay or lyrical detail gets you excited for that brief moment. In this song, Trippie and Carti don’t eschew the typical role of a rapper and both just... rap normally, which would not be a complaint if they weren’t so bland in that role, which is the whole point of their unique, phlegm-filled deliveries in the first place. As a result, this song just ends up feeling empty, even if this awfully-mixed, bass-boosted beat with some lovely distorted video-game synths and hardly audible trap skitters does go incredibly hard. Don’t get me wrong: this is still catchy and Trippie flows very well over a beat that sounds made for him and Carti. Hell, Carti has grown on me so much recently that my fondness for this might just be me eating anything he releases up. With that said, he’s the worst part of the song as his baby-voice style emphasises how lacking this song is in just anything. I do like the wordplay at the tail-end of the verse as, yes, that happens, perhaps not as iconic as some of his other oddly profound or clever lines on his last record but at least it’s something. At least this is some interesting American trap, unlike...

#25 – “i n t e r l u d e” – J. Cole

Produced by J. Cole, Tommy Parker and T-Minus

The pandemic has affected the music industry to the point where big-name rappers release album interludes as lead singles. Said album has songs shorter than this interlude, with most of its dull filler feeling like additional interludes, quite unbefitting for such a big and hyped-up album from Cole which frankly is just another boring addition to an already consistently dull catalogue. I’m just not interested in what Cole has to say because he’s never been likeable and I feel like there’s better rappers that bridge the gap between old and new like how Cole sees himself as doing, the “MIDDLE CHILD”, perhaps, like, you know, Drake? If we want to go for a more direct comparison from lesser-known rappers, the direct comparison I use for this new record is Aminé’s latest, also made up of a variation of trap bangers featuring massive, charting names versus introspective, conscious lyrics, yet Aminé is an interesting character with quotable lyrics that aren’t embarrassing, knows how to write an actual hook and whilst he also brings on both classic and modern features, he’s never out-done by them, creating an actual bridge rather than just some guy who thinks he can write his own role in the industry and culture without his own music backing his case. Unfortunately for me, it works – every freaking time – largely because of his continually loyal fanbase but also a general public interest in the guy that I do not understand, especially when more than a decade into his career, he’s still pushing out mediocre projects. He cuts his album’s length by a ton and still ends up with a bloated record. I barely need to talk about the track itself, right? Even if it has as much structure and effort put into it as his normal songs do, it’s labelled quite literally as an interlude. Sigh, well, in this interlude, Jermaine raps over a drowned-out soul sample and admittedly, sticks to the topic of reminiscing on where he came from, the violence in Fayetteville, a similar violence of which was what killed Nipsey Hussle, who he compares amongst Pimp C and Jesus as they all died at 33. Cole himself is 36 so I guess for once he doesn’t think he’s Jesus. It took him a while to realise.

#12 – “Higher Power” – Coldplay

Produced by Max Martin, Oscar Holter and Bill Rahko

I assumed this would debut at #3 until the BRIT Awards performance gave it a boost to debut at the top but I guess everyone else had the same opinion of that awful opening performance as I did, because here it is at #12. Well, that doesn’t matter, right? Coldplay’s last album similarly underperformed... but at least that time, they had a genuinely ambitious album for once in their careers with some genuine experimentation and themes I did not expect to come out of Coldplay. It was a better album but not an accessible one, with its only pop single being a bittersweet anti-war anthem which trivialises bombing in the Middle East to onomatopoeia. It’s a great song but it wasn’t going anywhere, so it’s no surprise that their next lead single is a soulless synth-pop track produced by Max Martin. Admittedly, the synth tone in the intro is kind of unique in all its nasal 80s nostalgia, but, man, I thought we moved past just rehashing for a hit, Coldplay. This is pretty obviously just a crap attempt at being “Blinding Lights” which trades in its machine-gun loco-motive drum pattern for one that is a lot more stiff, and its iconic, memorable lyrics for a forgettable set of love-struck laziness. Oh, yeah, and Chris Martin is far from the Weeknd both in the studio and live at the BRIT Awards – seriously, dude sounded half-alive. This isn’t offensive, just a bore that is clearly a desperate label move ready for when they can tour again, and if their last record proved anything it was that Coldplay seemed like they were finally above that.

Conclusion

Well, that’s our week – again, a questionable one at best and kind of a bad one at worst. Either way, this is a strange array of songs and I do like how the UK Singles Chart subverts everything you’d expect of it so often that chaos becomes the trend, even if not all of it is any good. I guess Best of the Week goes to “Freaks” by Surf Curse, with an Honourable Mention to Elton John’s cover of “It’s a sin” with Years & Years. Surprisingly enough, J. Cole actually doesn’t get Worst of the Week as the album gets a lot worse than that interlude, so he gets a Dishonourable Mention alongside Starboi3’s “Dick” being crowned Worst of the Week, and honestly probably Worst of the Year so far, not that I’m keeping track of that. Here’s this week’s top 10:

What’s coming next week? More J. Cole, Olivia Rodrigo’s newest single and probably – and hopefully – some album tracks from Jorja Smith and Nicki Minaj. For now, though, thanks for reading. It’s a big week next week, and I’ll see you then!

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mothmansfriend · 4 years

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when i’m happy oh god i’m happy

TW: alcohol abuse, non-graphic sexual content, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm (in many forms), drug use, couchsurfing, mentions of delusions and paranoia, otherwise reckless behaviour

Note: this takes place in @illogicallyinclined’s hockey au and is a Prequel this is supposed to represent what Remus’s manic episodes look like everyone is different, but im using a mix of my own experiences with bipolar i and some friends who were willing to talk about theirs, then changing it to fit Remus’s existing Absolutely Feral personality, Jared and Payton are OC’s and teammates of Remus, the three of them are known for wrecking havoc at all times because none of them possess a braincell.

The art studio was empty, filled only by the assorted music of Remus’s sculpting playlist on the bluetooth speaker he brought in, and Remus himself. His hands glide through the wet clay and he basks in the slimy feeling between his fingers. Remus’s hair is held back by a small headband and he is wearing a tank top and jogging pants already covered in various mediums he has used through the day. He does not know where the energy to finish every project for this semester came from but he isn’t about to object.

If you were to look around this studio, there is a high contrast painting of a tentacle creature that is unsettling in an almost unidentifiable way, half of a self-portrait which uses resin teeth as the main element, as well as his current project of a large cup shaped like a decapitated head. In short, while Remus believes these are his best pieces, the chances of the university permitting them to be displayed are very low.

Remus gets frustrated that the music didn’t seem to be filling his inspiration in the way he hoped he changes the song revealing it to be approximately 4am, and no texts received since he sent D a picture if the teeth pile around 10pm.

—

“Can you go wake Remus up and ask if he wants any breakfast, he really shouldn’t sleep in this late, even if it is Saturday” D asks from the stove while Roman grabs his carton of milk from the fridge and doesn’t bother grabbing a cup.

D grimaces at him as he chugs back the milk, once again thankful that they have separate ones (even if that is at fault of Remus deciding to mix apple juice with milk in the carton without alerting anyone else in the household). “He actually headed out like, real early this morning, I spoke to him when I got up for a shower at like six. He said he’d be back today though?” Roman replied ignoring D’s look.

“Well, that’s even weirder. I’ll make extras so he can eat when he gets back, it's already eleven.”

“Sounds good,” Roman noticing D’s almost done slides a few plates next to him and accepts D’s soft ‘thanks’.

Suddenly they hear someone miss the keyhole three times before getting it and entering. Unsurprisingly, it’s Remus inappropriately dressed for a casual outing, surprisingly he seems to be holding several bags full of merchandise. “Helloo roommates! Look what I bought!” Remus shouts, slamming the door with his foot and bringing his bags to the couch.

“Are those... cups?” D asks turning off the stovetop to curiously check out Remus’s merch load.

“Hell yeah they are! I figured since you-” He pokes at D, “Took away all our glass cups after me and Roman went to that last party, I would take it upon myself to replace them. Look!” Remus proudly pulls the ugliest Jar Jar Binks cup out of one of the bags.

Roman visibly recoils as his brother parades the worst cup he’s ever seen around their apartment. D rolls his eyes but collects the cup and hesitantly places it into the dishwasher. “Thank you, Remus, these cups are horrid but they’re functional, which, I guess is good enough. Though, how much did these cost?”

“No idea, probably around sixty bucks total though, maybe. I went to three different thrift stores. Look at this one!” Remus holds up a vaguely terrifying cup that seems like it may have once resembled Spongebob Squarepants to Roman.

“That’s… Great, Remus, thanks” Roman says taking the offered item.

—

The three make it to practice 20 minutes early because Roman likes to prove he’s dedicated and a good captain. Coach Thomas and Joan greet them and Thomas talks to Roman briefly as Joan finishes setting things up. D and Remus do some stretches as others begin to show up, D comments on Remus being shaky and Remus hops around quickly explaining that he just woke up with a lot of energy for some reason.

Coach Thomas reminds Remus to take his time during practices speeding through everything doesn’t work if he keeps messing up before he even makes it halfway through.

—

D is going to kill Remus tomorrow morning. The repetitive sound of the bedframe slamming against their shared wall, and Remus wailing like a cat in heat at 1am is not something he wants to deal with right now. It’s a Tuesday night and D knows Remus has a class at 11am, one that D will not let him skip because he decided getting laid was more important. How does Remus even get a man to willingly enter that nightmare of a room? D rummages through his bedside table for ear plugs and regrets giving Roman the far room so easily.

—

“Jesus- Hello? Do you know what time it is?” The tired voice answers the phone after the third time of going to voicemail.

“Of course I don’t, Jared, I’m not a fucking nerd! I just thought I might extend my offer of filling the fountain in the middle of campus with bubble bath and a swim to you and Payton! D already said if I woke him up he would cut my dick off and feed it to his snake,” Remus audibly pouted at the end of his sentence.

Despite it being three am, it didn’t take a lot for Jared to wake up Payton and agree to meet him just off campus to run to the 24/7 convenience store for soap for the fountain. Remus leads the group in talking a mile a minute about something that Jared and Payton actually missed out on entirely. They try to contribute but realize Remus doesn’t notice when they have their own conversation anyways. They listen to him vaguely flit through topic after topic and get lost and confused in his own sentences, and once the soap is collected, they head to the large fountain in the middle of campus.

The fifth bottle of soap has been discarded and the fountain is sufficiently bubbly by the time the three hockey players strip to their boxers and begin their bath. There are attempted drownings, bubble beards, and the fountain change being thrown around.

At some point Remus stops talking for a second, observing the lithium bulbs through the fountain streams and bubbles floating across the courtyard. For a moment, he thinks he’s never been this happy in his life, these last few days have been the best days of his life. He lets Jared and Payton know this and like stare at him for a moment before teasing him about going soft and a few “I love you, bro” “Dude, you mean so much to me” and such were exchanged. They leave moments before campus security’s due to do their rounds in the early morning and laugh when about an hour later they receive a campus-wide notification to avoid the courtyard for repairs.

—

Remus spends most of practice being more annoying than usual. He gets a bit more of a stern talking to than he has in a while, in response says that he’ll try to do better to prepare for the game this weekend.

—

He did not succeed and got an even sterner talking to by Coach Thomas and Joan, and then by Roman separately.

—

Remus has a brief moment of clarity regarding his spending habits from the last week and a half in the middle of his current project. His solution is instead of buying the club size container of hot sauce, he makes a trip to the Taco Bell off campus. After dropping off the rest of his goods at the apartment, it was pretty late in the evening and he was dressed in nothing but neon green basketball shorts, slides, and a pretty badly stained grey tank top. Thankfully, Florida weather permitted this, though the looks he had been receiving all day disagreed. It likely did not help that if prompted, Remus wasn’t 100% on the last time that he slept, but if he had to guess it was two or three days ago, but that was probably a maximum of five hours. Surprisingly, he had never felt so good in his life. He’s also pretty sure he’s said that a lot this week.

He leaves Taco Bell with a small meal bag full of hot sauce at no cost.

—

D doesn’t ask any questions when he uses the bathroom in the early morning and is met with the sight of Remus in the bathtub. He is covered in a large variety of substances. The floor is covered in Taco Bell hot sauce wrappers, there’s a box full of water balloons of various colours and sizes. Remus waves with his available hand before he resumes filling the current water balloon with what may be a bulk container of banana lube. D pisses, not bothering to ask Remus to leave and just pulls the shower curtain over a little before washing his hands and deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

The next day, D woke up around 10am to a few texts saying some prick is throwing weird water balloons at first years off this academic building on campus. D didn’t think much about it until he was leaving his 12:30 lecture walking past splatters of mayo, egg, egg shells, hot sauce, and more, all separately. While observing the damage he found Remus asleep on some grass outside said academic building and had to call Logan for help to get him home. The two are used to this by now and D reminds himself to tell Remus to clear his ‘great ideas’ with someone containing a braincell.

—

Remus spends a good majority of his day listening to one song in the living room of the shared apartment. He was there when D left for classes, he was there when Roman left a little later in the day, failing to go to his own classes at all that day. The second D returns for lunch Remus is trying to explain a hidden meaning in the song, D brushes it off and reminds Remus, that to pass his classes he has to at least go.

—

This is Remus’s third night out in an area of town he really doesn’t know. He went home yesterday for early practice before coming back out. He knows it didn’t go well.

In attempts to make himself feel better, he blew a guy who’s name he already forgot but was hot as hell, he lost count of the shots he’s done, but at least there’s no practice tomorrow. He doesn’t have to worry about when he goes home, doesn’t have to worry about Roman or D and their weird concerned looks. He’s doing great! Why are they concerned, they just don’t get it.

At 2 am everyone gets kicked out of the club. Remus walks six blocks with his new friends with the promise of couch space to crash on and additional alcohol.

It’s suddenly 4:47 am and Remus is the only one awake and all the booze is gone. He is sitting under lithium streetlights smoking a cigarette on the porch of a strangers house with the humid Florida wind enables him to sit comfortably without a jacket. There is a moment, with sirens in the distance that Remus lets his eyes go out of focus. For the first time in who knows how long, he feels present. There is cracked cement under his feet, a dog barking a few houses down, and he wonders why he’s even here. The hidden Prince twin, here, in a city he has only been to once for a tournament, in a stranger’s house, drunk off his ass, his phone dead. He takes time to wonder, is this fun to him? It has to be right? Why did he just leave without telling anyone? Spending nights on the streets, or finding someone to go home with just so he didn’t have to find somewhere else to sleep. Is this who he is now?

He doesn’t know if he can answer that. Remus shakes himself before putting out his cigarette on his arm and deciding it doesn’t matter.

He still doesn’t sleep that night, but plugs in his phone and decides he needs to go home soon.

—

This is a different club than the previous night, someone sold Remus a few pills earlier and he figured why not? He feels better than ever. He lets the man he’s making out with know that and he lets out a kind of raspy laugh that Remus thinks is the hottest thing. He lets the other man know that too before sticking his tongue down his throat.

—

Remus is in the park yelling. It is almost 6pm, he pauses for a moment, completely forgetting what he was yelling about. He realizes that he is pretty drunk. Remus would normally like to say he only drinks with an excuse, but he doesn’t remember why he’s drunk, or how he got to the park. This isn’t near campus, he doesn’t recognize this park at all. He just stops yelling and googles the next bus to take him home.

—

Upon arriving home and greeting D, Remus falls asleep in his room for almost 12 hours to make up for the missing sleep from the last four days. When he is woken up for food and offered tylenol for his hangover, he tries to tell them he doesn’t have one. They don’t believe him, but he takes the food. Remus makes a joke recalling how the other day all he had eaten was some stale croutons he found in a pantry and half a bottle of Fireball he found in the fridge nearby. The joke did not land, but he was too busy laughing about it to notice.

The three eat their Sunday lunch with small amounts of banter and D switching between who he agrees with based on who’s statement didn’t sound like it came from a six year old. As they clean up, Remus starts excitedly talking about something that’s topic changed around four times in one sentence. Roman feigns interest but got lost and doesn’t care enough; D listens and has to ask Remus to repeat things slower every few minutes.

—

Several times throughout the night, D hears Remus loudly leave his room to check the front door. In the early morning D doesn’t hear Remus return to his room, but faintly hears netflix turn on in the living room.

In the morning, Remus seems wary of the door but does not say anything.

—

One day while messing around in the kitchen Remus is struck with the need to just go. The urge is so strong that the more he stands still in the kitchen the more his body just begins to tremble with barely contained energy. He doesn’t quite know where he’s going yet, but as he grabs his wallet, double checking he has his bus pass and ID, a jacket, his phone, and his keys. Without telling anyone, he walks to the main exchange near campus where he hops on the first bus that arrives. The bus isn’t particularly busy, and it makes it easier for him as he settles into the back of the bus bopping to his music, but not having the focus to listen to a song all the way through. He hits his hands softly on the very 90’s looking patterned seats to the beat of the song, watching out the windows with both legs bouncing. He rides this bus to the end of the line and catches the next bus to arrive at that bus exchange that takes him into a new smaller city. The sun is beginning to set and he finds a pub to grab some food and a few drinks at.

An hour and a half and four drinks later Remus is fighting some asshole in the pub and they both get kicked out. He wanders these smaller streets buzzed and poking at forming bruises while he smokes a cigarette. He walks by a convenience store and two homeless men outside ask him for a cigarette, he shares and spends a solid amount of time socializing with them and gets some booze for his troubles. They eventually part ways when one of them come out from the bathroom with a pack of stolen cookies. The store attendant chases them away and Remus finds himself wandering down empty streets again. Eventually, Remus decides to sleep for a few hours curled up in a stairwell, he doesn’t quite sleep, but does relax. Again, in the sounds of small city life, yellowed flickering light bulbs, and humid wind, Remus wonders why he’s out here.

—

The flashing neon lights and bass heavy music resonate through Remus’s bones like electricity giving him a never ending feedback loop of energy. Just before the club closes Remus sweet-talks a kind of nerdy looking guy into taking him home, while he’s mostly just hoping to not sleep outside tonight, getting laid wont hurt either.

—

Sneaking out of someone’s house before they wake up isn’t something Remus is necessarily proud of, but he doesn’t want to risk them doing something cheesy like make him breakfast. Sorry sir, Remus is a Manic Pixie Nightmare Boy, do not catch feelings, do not use for your own character development. He laughs to himself a little walking down the morning rush streets.

—

After waking up in bed with a man he doesn’t remember meeting the night before is a little jarring, but this is not the first time. It makes him wonder briefly if something is wrong with him. Remus is tired. Exhausted with himself and getting a little tired of this much fun. Instead of finding a diner for breakfast he catches a bus home and asks Logan if they can hang out tomorrow. If anyone will force him to go home, go to practice, sleep and not give him a choice to study or not without expecting him to explain himself. It will be everyone’s favourite Large Nerd. Remus doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this, but he needs to go home and stop this for a little bit.Virgil, D, and Logan will help him get things a little back on track.

#sanders sides #remus sanders #hockey au #bipolar disorder #university au #roman sanders #deceit sanders #remus prince #roman prince #d foster

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