#it's 4 am i should really be asleep rn but it's okay
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this is so fucked up
#i know peppino is slouching but it would only be a couple of inches anyway#it's 4 am i should really be asleep rn but it's okay#it's just so funny to me how tall he is#2 and a half peppinos tall...#bro im 5'3'' he's like 3 times my size holy shit#if i stood next to him id only be as tall as like. his thigh#pizza tower#[ director's cut ]
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Don't Come To Me Pt. 3
Helloooo! Here i am with the next part. It's a little slower one, but i think it turned out good. I'm happy you guys wanted more, and i'm really into writing for him rn. I can't stop with the love triangle stuff, so bare with me. (i am in my Triple Frontier days guys, so i'm positive i'll have some content with the boys. :))
Billy Russo x F!Reader
Warnings: Billy being kinda selfish, Billy being kinda possessive but in a sexy way.
Summary: Billy decides what if wants, and he wants two things. You, and a victory over his best friend.
Taglist: @icarus-isflying @intothesoul
PART 2 PART 4
"You should have left her out of this, Frank." There is a heavy feeling on Billy's chest, his whole body shaking in anger. His choice of words are way more gentle than the ones in his head raging. "Why the fuck did you involved her?" He speaks again when the only thing on the other side is Frank's breathing.
"She's not involved in anything, Billy." Frank's answer just fuels Billy's fury, the grasp on his cool dissolving by the second. Billy grabs the edge of the couch, collecting himself, remembering you are sound asleep, drunk on a whole bottle of whiskey, only a couple feet away. He cannot lose control right now.
"Don't act like death doesn't follow you like a shadow everywhere you go." It's a painful blow, he knows that, but the fact Frank took a chance on her life, her safety by contacting her, is sending him over the edge. He knows how to get under Frank's skin, and he'll do it if he has to.
"You can drag me into your bullshit, but not her, you hear me? Not her Frank." But Billy needs to be on Frank's good side, he can't give him a reason to even look at him the wrong way. He needs to be careful, in order to keep every last of his secrets under wraps. Because he has innumerable of them.
"Don't act like you are a saint, brother. She's just as much in danger with you, you know that." Well shit he's right. Ish.
Billy's idea of a comeback is made out of various selected curse words that he needs to swallow quickly, before they roll out on his tongue. Damn it's hard, fucking hard when it's about her, her safety, mind body and soul, and his reputation and future is on the line. Frank is a threat he considered a buried skeleton, a ghost that lingered above his head while he tried to shut his tired eyes to rest.
"She's okay, Frank. She's safe, with me." He softens his voice, forcing the distracting details out of his brain. For now at least.
"I know." The admission is a slap on the face and a long desired validation. Coming from a man he looked up the most, and despised the most. Maybe this is how love works for Billy. Hate and love forging together until he cannot determine which is which.
Frank thinks he is doing a good job. He managed to keep you away from his work, from the deepest pits of military and government shit she only saw in movies. From Maria and the kids, having her back while she grieved, grieved the life's lost and grieved a best friend who wasn't the same man anymore. He made sure she was as far as she can be from Frank's mass killing spree, and the painful spotlight that came with it. The only thing he could never protect her from is himself. That's the fucking thing he just can't deal with. Can't accept it, but it surely would be easier. To just embrace it, and maybe that would lead him closer to her, let her love him like she wants to.
Frank said it. Loud and clear, and it made his heart break by the pride and pain he felt. Everything she needed protection from is caused and originated from him. Billy is the reason for most of it. His ego grew twice as much, but the hatred for himself swallowed like quicksand.
He takes a breath, not too loud for Frank to hear, he spells out a meeting spot for to meet, and ends the call. There is no need for doubt, Frank will be there. He needs to figure out how to make Frank disappear. For good this time.
He stands there for a long minute, calming his body, his nerves. His mind is telling him to flee, get it out of his system. The pent up anger and frustration he could never channel properly. That's why he chose this life, being a marine held him accountable, at least towards himself. The life taught him discipline he lacked, but it was only good for a while. When he was home, away from the killing and blood, and constant fight or flight mode, he lost the order, the routine that kept him in check.
You told him countless times when you first saw him in action, you saw a different person. You told him you could never thought he can have this type of regulation. That it was unlike him, and that would be true. His nature was wild and unhinged, no rules just his own when it came to living.
Surviving? That was a whole different level. He thrived because his brain clicked, shifted, his instinct kicking in like an ecstasy in his blood. It's way better than ecstasy.
It's cruising in his veins right now, standing in your living room, literally glowing from the adrenaline rush the brief exchange of words gave him with Castle. It's a weird but pleasant mixture how the high of danger, and the fear of what can happen is clashing together.
This feeling makes him want to go and have his way with Madani, because he knows she'll let him in, he knows they trick he can use on her. It's easy and taunting still, and he likes the edge. And he likes that it's nothing more. He could fuck this out of his mind.
He shakes his head in order to push out the idea. His hair falling around his face. He won't go to Madani.
He walks soundlessly to your door, letting the small light in with a bright straight line to your sleeping form. You are snoring softly, hair sticking to your forehead, sweating out all that extra alcohol your system can't swallow up.
The need of slipping out your flat is turning into a slipping into your bed need. Just curl up next to you, listening to the noises you make, the mumbles from your dreams, sheets twirling between your thighs as you straddle the cover he put on you. It's the perfect view, rare, unforgettable. He saw you in bikini, swimsuits even in your underwear, in more revealing clothes, sexier pieces, but the way your ass arched perfectly, your shirt rolled up enough to reveal the glowing skin on your back, little stretch marks covering your side as tiger stripes.
He steadies himself, shoulder leaning to the door frame as heat creeps up on his neck. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. He can have any woman, it's not arrogant to think, it's true. And he still blushes when it comes to you, when he had countless sex with gorgeous women, saw way more of a body, felt more than now. He just watching your bare legs hugging tightly onto the fabric, and he feels lost, out of breath. It's better if he stays, right? Making sure you are okay in the morning. Right?
But you only want it, because you have competition. The voice is so loud in the back of his head, he can't ignore it. He never had competition other than Frank, and he outed himself when he married Maria, and had his fairy-tale life with the big house and the perfect kids. Any other men was just a pathetic try, he usually wondered how could you not see the impotence in each of them. They were easy to get rid of. It took only a big wide toothy grin, a lazy hand around your shoulder, a snarky but honey coated comment, and they were out of the picture. Now that was in his nature. He was so good at intimidating with his charming acts that he never even needed to try, it just came as breath in the lungs. And the price was you. standing there lonely, not sure why no man can handle you. And he would be there to breath life into your smile, making it reach you eyes again. A win.
Shit.
He can't blindside the guilt, his own personal gain clothed in sheep skin. Because he likes the idea of winning you. Winning you from Frank Castle himself, dragging your attention from him, enveloping you in genuine but manipulated sweet words and praises. He likes it, he takes two at once. You, and his delicious victory.
A smile is spreading on his handsome features, watching you turn around with a huff, shielding your eyes still asleep, but aware of the bugging streak of light. His heart swells with care and love, and the guilt eating little chunks out of his soul.
He wants you, but he wants to win. That he cannot deny.
The bed is calling to him. Empty space made for him. Sheets and pillows untouched, smelling like your shampoo, the remains of your perfume and the unmistakable scent of your skin.
It would be wrong on so many levels to just slide under the sheets, and meet you halfway on the mattress, pulling you in his arms, pressing a soft peck of kiss on the crown of your head.
He always craved domesticity when he was with you. The simple things felt magical. Pushing the cart lazily in a heavily air conditioned grocery shop, having your arm brush against his in need of heat, while it's flaming hot outside. Stopping at the coffee shop near your apartment building, getting a chocolate bar you said you wouldn't get, ordering him to stop you if you take a sharp turn to the sweets isle. Pulling you towards the inside of the sidewalk, cars rushing past you with high speed making him nervous, talking about his work casually, you eyes curious, drinking every word, and remembering what he have told you days later.
In these moments he felt lovesick. Forgetting his ways, the all time bachelor. But the nights came crushing down on him as he stepped into the empty rooms of his apartment, cold and lifeless. Too much space left to fill in, space he's not enough to cover. And he wanders if it's possible, to have you in the kitchen when he gets home, a glass of wine dancing in your hands as you stir whatever you are making on the stove. To have you ask about his day while he untangles himself from the works clothes, snaking his arms around your torso, planting a kiss on your temple, inhaling the aromas of the food you are contracted on. You would giggle, saying his beard is tickling your neck, so he would do it again just to hear that sweet laugh.
Fuck, he's spiraling.
He goes around checking the door and windows, glancing at your phone in your purse, just a peace of mind that it's right where you left it, the last call deleted from existence. He turns off the lights, getting rid of his boots, sliding his t-shirt over his head, fidgeting with his belt that hold the dark jeans on his hips.
The cold sheets are a welcomed sensation against his flushed skin, the smell hitting his nose, just like he imagined. He carefully gets comfortable, fairly close to you, but not touching your resting body. He wants to, hell, he wants nothing more than scoop you up, caging you in the prison of his arms.
He sighs, letting his body ease into the bed, heaviness scratching his mind, sleep tugging his limbs. He would stare at the ceiling at home, alone. He would do that at least for 1-2 hours before his brain would stop working overtime.
He's satisfied. This is enough. For now.
He's just stopped moving, taking the position best for a good night sleep, but you stir as soon as he's settled. His eyes dart over you, you turn around, facing him, your hand colliding with his chest, you hum in response. He can't really see your face, but he can see your hand grabbing his abdomen, fingers digging into his skin to support your turn, pulling your body closer to his, nuzzling yourself closer.
He gently pulls you to his chest, knowing very well his arm will go numb in then minutes, but he has no care in this word. You settle almost on him, leg swung over his hips, legs tangled together, hot skin burning on hot skin.
He will win. He will have you, and he will win.
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Okay so. I am fed, I am watered, I went on a nice walk for my mental and physical health (/nandor) and I managed to find both decks!
Since I dug them both out, I'll give people the opportunity to choose between The Mushroom Hunter's Tarot and The Pulp Tarot tonight.
They're both lovely decks that I really enjoy, so this should be fun.
Anyway, this is how we do things here.
If you'd like a simple three-card reading, please send me an ask that I can answer publicly, ask for a reading, and specify which deck you'd like. If you'd like to be anonymous, that's fine. That said, if you are anonymous, maybe put some emojis or something in your ask so you can tell that it's yours. Then... just be patient. lmao
This used to be a small little fun thing where I'd get just like 4-5 requests, but these days I tend to get more like 20-30. That's fine and fun and I love you all, but that does mean I need to pace myself a bit more so I don't make myself sick. (Chronic illness living, y'all.)
So here are some answers to questions/concerns I've gotten the last few times:
You haven't gotten to me yet. :(
I will! I get a lot of requests these days and I do my best to get through them all. This time I will admit that I'm on more of a time crunch than usual; I will do my best to get through everyone who sends me a request, but if I can't get through them all before my little break ends tomorrow, then I'll do one again in September once I'm home in Philly. Either way, please be patient with me!
It's been a long time since you posted a reading. Are you done?
I'll be done sometime tomorrow, depending on when my parents get home. (I'm visiting California rn.) If there's a big gap between readings, it probably means that I took a break to eat dinner or watch youtube or play Stardew Valley or something. Or I just fell asleep. I have several chronic illnesses, so I need to be careful to pace myself.
Besides, I like to take my time with each reading, so it may take me 20-45 minutes to shuffle, draw, photograph, read, and type up a response anyway. Everyone gets attention tonight, lmao.
Do these cost anything?
No, I don't charge for tarot readings. This is all for fun. If you'd like to do something in return, maybe just pay it forward by doing something nice for someone in your life in the upcoming days. Just something small. If you'd really like to donate to the new tarot deck fund (lmao) I do have a ko-fi. That said, again, really do not feel obligated. I only have this here because people ask.
Are you psychic? Will this tell the future?
No, I'm not psychic. I'm an academic. We're just having fun here.
Can I ask a specific question?
Well, again. I am not psychic and cannot tell the future. If you ask me something like "what will happen if I [x]" or "what should I do with [y]" then I cannot help you. But if you want me to focus my reading on a particular topic or something, I can do my best.
What's the background?
Usually I just use pajamas or a cute skirt or something, whatever has a nice pattern. (Sorry to ruin the magic.) But this time it's a blanket my mother made. :)
I don't know much about tarot. Can you teach me?
I'm happy to answer specific questions, but fully teaching someone about tarot cards, their history, and how to use them would take a while. If there's a lot of desire, maybe I'll make a series of posts or something? But I don't really have time to go through it all tonight!
Can I choose one of your other decks?
Not this time. I'm on vacation, so I don't have that many with me.
"If you're not too busy..." "If you don't mind..." "If there aren't too many requests..." "If it's okay..."
Friends, I do this because I think it's fun. I enjoy doing it. Whoever is reading this right now, you are just as entitled to my time and effort as anyone else in my inbox. You are not taking up any time that I am not freely offering. Please don't put yourself down in your request or act like you're an imposition. I will do this as long as I am having fun, and when I am tired, I will stop. Don't be so down on yourself! We're all having fun here!
I'm not having fun. I don't like tarot/you're cluttering my dash/I don't like your readings/this is dumb.
Well, you're in luck! I'm always careful to tag these so you can block them if you so choose. Please just block "#tarot shenanigans" and have a nice weekend.
okay now you can send me requests
#tarot shenanigans#I haven't gotten a new deck in a while...#I usually get myself one for my bday but this year I got myself a professor plushie instead#I do not regret this decision but I'm also starting to get that yen for a new deck lmao
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It’s crazy that four is between three and five. It should be one two four three five. I mean specifically with time not all numbers. If I stay up all night it should be 1 2 4 3 5 bc you stay up and you have that three am dip normally and that is a number four occurrence okay. You should get tired at four and it should come after two and then at three after four you have an energy boost and then three goes to five bc when you stay up all night you’re awake at three and then at four yoj get sleepy so you swap it you take a one two four am nap then a three five pump up the vibe get up go see the sunrise at six but nooooo cause four has to come after three which means I’ll get tired and won’t be awake to go see the sunrise cause numbers are stupid and it should be later already or earlier really if I fell asleep hours ago it would’ve fixed this whole stupid brain thing that’s happening rn
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Okay, so I really thought I was gonna die last wed. bc u know, I had no sleep and been working my brain that it got fried. Woooh. but I’m alive!!! And I’m here, with unending headache 🤣🤣🤣 ye oks. I think I’ll be okay, tomorrow’s our final day as a trainee and I’ll be able to have another schedule, I really hope ourr sched’s gonna be different bc what we have rn is so messed up, I can’t even do anything else or go anywhere after shift 🤣 hmm. And this schedule messed me up and u know, I can’t make landi so ye, maybe it’s another reason why she left chos. I’m just kidding, I know I’m the sole reason why and that’s all on me!!! I’m an ass and my head’s a mess, yea? okie. I need to be able to accept that it’s a fact and that it might never change. My head’s broken, I’m too dark, and I am hopeless. I guess healing won’t do me any good bc I don’t consider myself as broken so why would I heal? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 this post was about me, moments agooo but now I miss her and I hope she’s doing well and that she’s happy or someone else is making her happy.
OH!! And I’ve been having trouble answering questions like “kamusta ka?” or even “okay ka lang ba?” HAHAHAH maybe bc I’m not or I’m not sure. so thanks for everyone who’s asking, anons, friends, thank youuu. Sorry I really can’t answer that rn bc I’m lost and I don’t know what to do w my life (except on my career). I think I’ll be dodging those kinds of questions for now. I’m sorry.
Hmmm. Idk what to share anymore, I should be asleep, yeah. I have work pa mamaya pero eto, 4 am na. HAHAHAH but yeaaaa. At the end of everyday, in my head is just hoping that you’re okay and that you’re feeling better. No more vomiting or sipon, no more headaches, yeah. I’m really rooting for your well being and your happiness, like genuinely!!!! Sucks that I can’t be the person to make you feel at least a little happier or someth but I know you’ll be able to find someone bc you’re so easy to like and easy to talk to so I bet it’ll be a lot easier for people to fall in love with you!!! I just hope you fall for someone who’ll take care of you, on every aspect!!!! Physically, spiritually, mentally!!! Like aaaaa I can’t wait to see you happy. oh yeah, I miss you. HAHAHAHAHAH oks. nightie.
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Journal Entries of Bipolar sh*t compiled to Show the Mind of Someone with BP:
[Entries from my mood journals:]
TW: Mental Health
These entries are personal, I wrote them as I was going through whatever I end up writing about, I took out any personal details so it reads like ANON.
[Next]
Energy Levels:
July 15th 2020:
Questionable levels of energy. Went to bed at 9am and woke up at 6pm. Just really tired, I feel just,,,, exhausted in an empty almost depressive kind of way. Could a depressive episode be looming on the horizon? Conversely, however, my energy has been pretty high the last three-four days at least. I’ve been somewhat motivated, getting work done, and also having major problems with insomnia that really kind of came out of nowhere. That’s why I couldn’t fall asleep until 9am last night. (Though my time blindness when doing things I enjoy certainly doesn’t help.)
July 16th 2020:
(went to bed at 9am, awoke at 7pm)
Another feeling of low energy. I’d rate it about 3.5/10 (5 being normal.) Mood wise, I'm in a rather neutral mood, though I’m starting to worry that it’s getting more and more apathetic. (Especially when I’m dehydrated.)
Executive dysfunction is rearing its ugly head. It’s hard for me to do things, I kinda want to curl into a ball and do nothing for great periods of time. I find it hard to really be motivated or to make myself WANT to look nice when I see my friend tomorrow. It’s actually kind of worrying, but my overall mood (as I said) is still pretty neutral.
July 17th, 2020: A solid 3/10
(Bed @ 7/8-ish am. Woke at 1:09pm to go to a friend’s.)
I just feel tired and kinda zen, not gonna lie. Like relaxed and ready to slip into unconsciousness at any moment. Not necessarily as apathetic as yesterday, but that could be because I am around my good friend, and being around my good friends makes me happy, distracted, and more energized, even with barely any sleep.
July 18th 2020:
Bed time: Close to 11:30 pm Wake Up: Close to 9am. (Like 8:40 am or something)
A solid 2.2/10
I’ve had low energy for a bit now and I know it’s starting to roll into my apathetic depressions. Today [friend] wanted me to go to the gym/pool with [them] and I was REALLY not feeling it, but [they] were gungho for it and were talking about it like it was already going to be a done-deal. This kinda soured me because I really do not want to move around much when I’m like this and I ESPECIALLY did not want to go to the pool— I knew I’d be the only one in the pool, alone, because I didn’t bring shoes so I either had to wait horrendously by myself in the locker room or pool it out alone until someone joined me after their workout.
I DID feel great when I stepped into that lukewarm shower before having to get into the pool, but like, WOAH MAN, I got super apathetic, I contemplated just staying in the shower for an hour and like hOO wow. Not great. 0/10 would not recommend.
I did actually enjoy the pool though and after about 15 minutes of [friend] joining me I began to go back to a more neutral state of mind, so that was good.
When we went to the mall it was fun too, but for some reason (I can’t even explain why) I hit a low— low, and started to second-guess everything (even my friendship with them) and wondered if I should never talk or see them ever again from then on. It was really melodramatic and I don’t even know why I thought about it for a minute there. After a few minutes I was snapped back to normal by hanging out with my friends and then I was kinda okay again.
Emotionally (when I’m not feeling low energy/apathetic/empty AF) I feel on the verge of just breaking down into tears and laughing like a maniac.
July 24th
Bed: 9pm-ish Woke: 5am
Energy: 4-ish (Maybe even a bit more of a 3.5 rn)
These last few days have been a blur tbh. I went on a webtoon-reading, what-music-was-I-listening-to-in-middle-school binge these last couple of days and so I remember not much. The hyper focus really had me there lol.
July 28th 2020:
Bed: 1:15 am Woke: 6:30 am
Mood: When I was awake earlier and reading, about a 3. RIGHT NOW??? 1.5/10 and quickly approaching a meltdown.
I am SO SO tired and almost about to have an emotional breakdown for no reason. I have no idea where this is coming from but I am going to tuck into bed and disappear from existence because I need to sleep for 19hrs or I WILL throw a fit.
**Some notes for July 28th. I tried to sleep at 7/8pm because I felt an incoming meltdown. But then I was suddenly wide awake? Like my energy was at a 7 while my mood was at a 0.5. Basically, not fun, would never repeat again.
July 31st, 2020:
Bed: Around midnight/1 am woke: 3pm.
Energy: 4/10
I don’t know why I slept for so long, but I def. could have slept longer. In fact most of the day I felt kind of bleh.
Not terrible enough to lie down but also not normal-normal.
August 26th, 2020:
Woke: 7pm Slept: 9/10am
Mood: 4.5/10
In general I’ve felt fine. Not as exhausted, and definitely in a good mood. Maybe it’s because I’m purposefully taking it easy while still trying to accomplish the small things. Ahhhh I feel so accomplished, yo!!!
But just as a general warning, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay optimistic. (Hopefully for a long time.) I just feel the depressive episode on the horizon. For now, I’m doing self care so that I can fight it off, but hopefully it won’t be “only a matter of time.”
Thursday — September 17th, 2020:
Slept: 1am woke: 7:30am
Mood: 5/10 ENERGY: 2.5/10
Though I’m in a pretty genial mood, I just feel so tired. Which makes no sense because yesterday I woke up at like 7pm and went to bed at 1am. So WHAT TF bro. I’ve just been lying in my bed all day because that’s like the only way I feel somewhat decent.
Kinda want to take a nap but I know that’ll do me absolutely no good whatsoever, so I’m gonna stay awake and try to be as productive as I can be when I’m lying down in a horizontal position.
[Journal Entry]
“Saturday: October 10th, 2020 — Around Night
Right now I feel invincible. Like I can write and capture that perfect melody. Pen to paper. Pencil to sketchbook. For this moment, just right now, I feel as if I could do anything, and that makes me so, so, happy.
Today is a happy day, which is made funnier or perhaps more ironic by the fact that I didn’t even want to wake up today. [Which I did, begrudgingly, at 6pm-ish.]
The tides really do come and go. So never feel too down. At some point you’ll feel like this again. The cogs keep turning and life goes on.
Mood: 10/10 Energy: 10/10.”
[End quote]
...
“October 13th, 2020 — Tuesday, 10:45 AM.
So many thoughts have taken travels in my hand. Today I feel invincible again. Much like I did in the last entry. I have been an unfortunate disappointment to my family, though. My energy, motivation, and time has been entangled lately. Entangled deep into my mind, my media, and the interests I partake in: The Void ™.
Therefore I haven’t been of much help, entertainment, or enjoyment for my loved ones. Last Sunday our relatives gathered at our house to celebrate [my brother's] birthday. Yet I stayed in bed. I did not celebrate with them, and ignored their asks of me. I’m quite disappointed in myself for being this way. I can only strive to be better. I may not have been energetic or involved these last few days, but I feel much better now that I’ve gotten rest.
Though I’ll always be fighting with that void that distracts and captures my attentions, I won’t let these strings choke me.” [End Quote]
…
October 18th 2020:
Slept: 10am Woke: 4am
Mood:2.5/10. Energy:2/10
I just feel very anxious (like pit of nervous energy going 100mph in my stomach) anxious. I’m gonna try and nap the wired energy off cause it’s making me panicked
[Journal Entry]
“October 18th, 2020 — Sunday, 3:46 AM
I’ve gone and slept all of saturday. But hopefully this will fix my sleep schedule. I’m also (not quite anxious, but I know the tension is there, rising, ready to explode on the horizon. Already it’s October 18th, and yet it feels as if I’ve accomplished nothing. And perhaps I haven’t.”
[End quote]
…
“October 24th, 2020 — Saturday, 9:55 PM.
At the beginning of this page I felt indescribable emotion fill me. Everything was pointless. I’d forgotten how to fly and instead remembered how to nap. For a singular moment I wanted to sleep into nonexistence. I wanted to cry, too. But mostly, I was just tired. I could do nothing but sit and want to sleep, and I had not even the strength or energy to loathe myself for this. So I decided to scrapbook instead and then maybe sleep after I’d written all this leak in me from pen to paper. But in the (time it) took for me to design the page I fell out of my emotional range. Instead I felt calm. Pacified. Silly, isn’t it? I’m supposed to edit today and tomorrow, but I’ve let today slip away.
I’ve also eaten too much again. I feel sick. Like I’m eating as much as I can before a hibernation. Does my body feel a depressive episode coming before I do? Is that it? Or is my overeating and lack of control leading me into a spiral? I shouldn’t be feeling like this. So much anxious, emotional energy. I’m wired as shit and I hate this jittery-ness.
It’s suffocating. Like a snake’s wrapped itself over me and keeps constricting, tighter, and tighter, and tighter, till there’s nothing left.”
[End of entry]
…
“November 10, 2020 — Tuesday
Pros: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days.
Cons: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days.”
[End Quote]
[Around 3 month time skip]
[Sunday, February 28th, 2021 — 2:04 AM]
“I’m treading water. Another month passes. Hopefully I’ll make all I can of this last day. I walked some, but I still haven’t reached my desired destination. Guess I have no choice but to keep going! Everything has a time. I can only continue trying. That’s all I can do. To quit is to have nothing for myself, not even dreams. ‘Being confident that he who began a good work in you will carry on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.’ (-Something Phillipians.)
I dream of many things. I pray that March gives me what I need. Please be here with me, hold my hand in these times and keep me close in your thoughts. I’m trying. I’m always trying. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. I can’t do this alone. (I wish I could.) My brain is so easily distracted and it’s hard to get by even doing things I joy. I wish I had something that could force me to function. All I have is myself.
One day I won’t just be writing dreams with no evidence. Every step is part of the journey (even if it doesn’t feel like it.) So thank you for walking with me. I don’t have the strength to do this alone. Please, please hold my hand through the anxieties and whisper that it’ll be alright. I’m blindfolded, and I’m walking on a tightrope, and I need you to tell me when and how to jump so that I’ll land in the net. I’m blind but I’m listening. September 30th feels a lightyear away. It’s hard to forget the lack when you’re faced with it everyday. And I’m unsure. Please tell me that it’s worth it. Please. Please help me. Please. Please lead me. Please help me.”
[End of entry.]
Part: [1], [2], [3], [4]
This is the first part of the journal entries, I'll be uploading another compilation after each newly posted PPT essay.
Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]
Visuals of depressive episodes: (1), (2)
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)
[Next]
#here y'all go#now after this I'll liveblog more revice <33#my thougts#manic depression#bipolaire#actually bipolar#fvcking moodswings ⚡️✌️#journal#diaryposting#online diary#writing#good source for peeps who want to write a Bipolar character#neurodiversity#neurodivergencies
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Me right now, after getting my bearings the last hour:
Also last night’s journey in Three Parts:
Part 1: Please note the timestamps of every part XD
Part 2: I only properly answered ONE ASK
Part 3: Between 2:51 and 4:00AM, I was struggling to stay awake and working on two asks back and forth in attempt to keep my mind awake, as you can tell I gave in when I fell asleep while answering one of my asks welp.
Also please appreciate my tags ^^^
Bonus: Mimi Clowning On Me As She Should!
This is my shitpost lmao hope yall enjoyed. Anyone really concerned here’s a update under the cut - again TW: mentions of alcohol and drinking!
Update: I am alive, no alcohol poisoning whatsoever! Didn’t get drunk either, just hella sniffly and sleepy as I said in the post shown above. So it was just not a vibe kjshdk I think my tipsy-ness before I got home was my sweet spot lmao. I didn’t wake up hungover, thank goodness just a little bit of a dry throat and hungry stomach lol. Both are being remedied now with granola breakfast and water before I go for Round 2 ajajaahha I’m kidding - okay maybe a little sip in the afternoon but also rn I am kind of spiralling about my life and Existential Crisis Me is just as choatic as ‘Drunk’ Me. Anyways back to answering asks!!
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I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist today but couldnt go, so i was (again) going through all the things i should tell her when i do eventually go, and the thing that was last on that list was the fact that sometimes i just feel like pieces of me are just... resting? as in like stopping? falling away from me? idk how to properly explain it but ill try better when i talk to her. Anyways. The point was, i can feel pieces of me shutting down, and one time when i felt a piece 'go', i had the thought that i will fall asleep one time and just wont wake up bc ill completely shut down. And just now, i was thinking of that moment and trying to convince myself i cant rly sense things like that, that im just too obsessed w death, that its all in my head etc and opened youtube to take my mind off of it all...
Only to it to open to a short from a hospice nurse talking about people (not her patients & otherwise healthy ppl) who felt like they were going to die and did die soon after, with people in the comments talking abt their experiences w ppl close to them feeling the same thing i am feeling rn 🙃
One of them said their SIL felt like she always felt like she was going to die young, and thats what ive always felt too. Since i was abt 7 i felt that i was going to die at 33 (or early 30s in general). Im turning 30 in 4½ months. Ive always been super afraid of death, but now im feeling calm about it all.
Idk its all super weird to me cause like. I dont really mind dying but also i want to have some fun/happiness, but the thought of 'why does it matter when im going to die soon anyways' is stopping me. I have things i want to buy bc it would make me very happy to have them but i keep thinking, 'okay, but what will my family do w this after im gone? Im just gonna waste more money and leave them w things that will collect dust + be painful reminders of me, and i dont want to do that to them.'
I want to get rid of these thoughts. I want them gone. I want to live. I want to live longer than my 30s and i want to be healthy and happy and i want to enjoy life. Im so tired of this all. I want new experiences and new people in my life and to travel and visit my friends and family who live far away. I dont want to be paralyzed by the thoughts of death and 'why does it matter'. I want to refurnish my room - something ive always put off due to my 'close' death. I wish i could see my future, at least a glimpse of it, even if its really bad, just to know im still here.
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Doodles soo many doodles I’m mentally unwell I’m going to skin myself alive or something but how would you even do that like that doesn’t make sense I mean you could but could you really I don’t believe it I’d have to call a friend for help probably anyway enough about my weekend plans It’s like doodly doodles this time cause im like who’s that composer guy with the wig whoever he was im him but for art im like Jesus one of these days im gonna walk outside and the people will throw stones at me and I’ll go hey don’t do that and walk back inside because im smart and know they would never enter my house without me letting them in because they are polite okay moving on it’s monkey time ladies list your favourite monkey species below I’m being interactive see im interacting with you all isn’t this nice I still don’t know how this app works how do I reply to people when they say stuff about me do I just not or what what’s the social etiquette here still autistic no social skills this place is hell for me that’s why I only come on to post art and then like leave straight away I don’t even have notifs on for this thing I don’t like it it’s too scary okay moving on again did I already talk about monkeys probably is anyone even still reading r my two followers seeing this what’s that song where it’s like and it was all yellow yellows my favourite colour okay maybe pink is my favourite colour yeah yeah I love pink my whole room is pink I look at pink and I go yay! I’m like that hippo from fnaf he’s my number one kin now what’s a kin does rhat mean he’s my kid or what anyway I’m him now I’m a rambler I’m a rambling man I’m CRAZZAY it’s my Uber autism Uber speaking of happy late lesbian day I’m like the ultimate lesbian I’m the final boss probably maybe not I’m like a secret boss that you have to look up where to find me and it’s never worth it anyway can we go back to the doodle go back scroll up and look at it again and think wow what a doodle rat that’s a doodle alright why did I name myself rat why did I do that to myself okay it’s cause people used to call me a rat but I said no no no this is clearly not a being mean thing this is a cute endearing thing like a nickname because rats r cute so I embraced it because social cues don’t exist to me and If I wanna be a rat then dude, get me in a sewer or something let me scuttle around notice how I’m still going that’s called being unmedicated my brain goes faster than the speed of light I’m thinking about a minimum of ten things at the same time rn it sucks if any doctors r around and would like to shorten my waiting list wait so I could be medicated that’d be helpful I’ve been waiting like four years at this point how does it take four years for you to go hey here’s the medication you need like is it that hard wish I was a monkey they don’t get medicated they don’t have the technology for that GET ME OUT KF HEREE anyway bye bye my babas I just realised it’s 4:20 rn and I think that’s funny so I must fall asleep immediately so I fall asleep at the funny number this is the part where u tuck me in and give me a little kiss on the forehead warning I sleep with ten blankets and like three of them r weighted so you will have trouble tucking me in I can’t help it I’m like a little bear I like being warm if I had a cat or something I wouldn’t have to do this I want a cat so bad btw I need a little guy who will curl up on my chest and go meow at me to remind me of who I am WAKE ME UP WAKE ME UP INSIDEEE that’s me if I was emo okay I should wait another thing don’t forget the hot water bottle I sleep with like two hot water bottles you might be thinking how do you not overheat with ten blankets and two hot water bottles and the answer is I’m simply better than you also I’m always cold my body I can’t regulate my temperature it sucks im just so cold. Omg arg refrence the cold guy Ermm did you say guy? PURPLE GUY hor hor hor hor hor I love fnaf this is why I stick to twt they have a short word limit if they didn’t have that I’d be making whole novels this is just white noise omg channel referen
Oh my god I can still type this is like Christmas for me know that I never shut up is anyone still here if you make it through reply with like idk apples and I’ll send u my credit card information just kidding aha! I don’t use those because I’m paranoid the government can track me with them it’s all paper money for me teehee if I was a monkey I’d hope to be a proboscis monkey did you know they regurgitate their food and chew their cud that’s so dreamy majestic even wish I did that sadly I am just a little human lad anyway this time I’m really going im leaving I think Charlie’s ending stream so I have no more reason to be awake enjoy the art in the meantime my eyes hurt I’ve been sick for over a month is that normal I get headaches like every day and my eyes r always dry my nose is like an Olympic runner at this point that thing does not stop and as I am sick I deserve rest and like onion rings oh you don’t even know about the onion rings I’m eating on like an average 20 onion rings a day I can’t stop I can’t even help it it’s my autism taste buds I eat the same thing for like 2 months and then never wanna touch it again for like a year I can’t help it GUINEA PIGS I wish I had one I’d let it lay on my chest and go hello little guy this is why I need a cat that will cuddle with me I need it right now get me one someone assign a cat to me I need it to crawl through my window one day and refuse to leave how would a cat even get through my window they can’t climb that high okay he just ended tbis means I can leave now please look at the art it’s not even art it’s a doodle anyway goodbye
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i like a girl lol
Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.
She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.
anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo
7/10/23 (1:51am)
(im gonna keep adding the rants)
and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol
i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see
7/10/23 (18:25)
Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes
11/10/23 (2:05am)
Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf
14/10/23 (01:48am)
Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.
14/10/23 (9:22 pm)
i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out
15/10/23 (10;02pm)
I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.
20/10/23 (01:13am)
Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this
21/10/23 (17:12)
(23/10/23) 1:40am
She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .
It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.
23/10/23 (19:12)
okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .
oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe
okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.
but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol
21:23 (30/10/23)
Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .
its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up
22:56(7/11/23)
lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?
05:36am (17/11/2023)
we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.
I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.
i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.
yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.
14:04 (21/11/23)
Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.
26/11/23 22:30
I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.
Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you
Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.
28/11/23 (23:43)
Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon
30/11/23 (00:19)
I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.
This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.
It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.
Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .
1/12/23 (00:05)
I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this
i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee
01/11/23 (20:16)
Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this
03:20 (18/11/23)
i love you
22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24
Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .
15/02/24 1:14pm
I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye
29/02/24(2:30am)
I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck
(12:06)
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Book 6 Part One: The Watchman of the Underworld
Buckle in besties, we're going for a ride.
Also beware that there are Book 7 spoilers in here because my thoughts are jumbled in here.
Awake Again | Let the Search Begin | Briefing at Night | A Swift Fight
“Am I in the clouds?”
AM I FUCKEN DEAD
Oh no just dreaming
Did I call you over
OH YEAH LITTLE BRO IS GONE
Wait a minute…
Hmmm dreams tied to these memories…
Oh damn little bro got me good
It highkey took too long to get to this conclusion.
Like 2 + 2 = 4, yes the black stones were blot accumulation.
||
“Exceptionally rare” he says
It is NOT his true nature
TELL’EM DEUCE
CROWLEY WATCH YOUR MOUTH
YOU ARE UPSETTING ME AND MY BESTIES
Sidenote: THE FAN IS FICING MY HEAD RN
HE WOULDN’T
Ace I’m bout to beat you up—
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S ONLY BEEN SIX MONTHS
THERE’S THE FRIENDSHIP MUSIC
WHAT IS THIS KINGDOM HEARTS
It’s not but my fic is!
I want to go find my little brother
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HE DIDIN’T MEAN TOO
IT WASN’T HIM IT WAS THE DARKNESS
…
Oh my god this fucks with my whole timeline what do you mean Book 5 and Book 6 basically take place at the same exact time
Like I knew this, but having a character say it to me is just uggh
I really do not believe Malleus is here.
Like I have had this feeling that this whole time he’s been OBed
And everyone is asleep due to his power
Like to be real
It could be a case of:
Yuu had to leave and he didn’t want that so this happened and everyone has just been stuck in a timeloop
Malleus knows, but he’s waiting for someone to realize and save him
ORTHO PLEASE
NON LETHAL METHODS
AKSLDJSDJSAKDL CROWLEY
That was a good read lol
Oh we got underground and secret passages?
BABY BOY
OH SHIT HE’S FUCKED UP
||||
I WANT TO SEE HIM NOW
Post-Mortem for SDC | Taking Responsibility | A Performance Fee
And here’s where I lose my shit
Because we’re about to go from worried sick to
“Yeah no I can talk” cannot actual talk and is avoiding something
IT’S BEEN A FEW DAYS
NAH NAH NAH
A FEW DAYS
I’D BE ON THE VERGE OF A BREAKDOWN
IS GRIM OKAY
“Beytraying your trust” he says
You literally tried to kill someone
Almost killed us and the innocent bystanders
And oh yeah
TRIED TO FRAME EPEL’S FAMILY FOR IT ALL
BITCH YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS
Also let’s be real, you didn’t do that because you realized we would lose
You did it because you had the opportune chance to do so
Like fuck apologing to this group as a whole
Your first apology needs to go to fucking Epel
And fuck if it weren’t for Jamil and his UM as well as Malleus shit would have been big fucked
I mean the shit was highkey rigged let’s be real
The dwarves being cute is what sold the audience
Like regardless of this being a one vote win
It is not the same as Sans v Reigen
Rook was not Mob
Chile lemme gon head and stretch my legs before getting back to these BOLOS (if you know you know)
Alright y’all back to these Bolos
And yes, I did lock all the windows.
||
Jamil speaking from experience
Unless their hard work was to in fact bumble around on stage
Then ion get it
GIRL THAT IS IN THE PAST
GIRL NOT US GETTING NEIGE’S SOB STORY FROM THE MFKER WHO TRIED TO KILL HIM
GIRL I GOTTA GO
…that’s stupid.
Just because he’s seen hardships does not mean that you should give in and hand over victory
That’s honestly a slap in the face
God I hate the name NCR Tribe
I’m changing that in the fic
|||
Aw you got Epel riled up now
KALIM REALLY SAID “THIS IS TRULY THE GHETTO”
Believe me it was worse when we got here
Okay so in the end we got 30,000 Mandol/Thadmarks
LET ME GET MY MFKEN MOUSEKETOOL
Alright time to take another break before shit hits the fan
Current Thoughts: The fan is ficing, and I am becoming less upset about this convo, as long as I keep it in the fic’s universe lol
A Sudden Entry | Alarming Abductions | Emergency Instructions | A Suspect Bargain | Aggressive Invitation
YOU GOT MY COUNTRY BOY GOIN COUNTRY
WHAT THE FUCK
GIRL
I KNOW THAT AIN’T MY MFKEN HOUSE
THE FAN FIS FICING
MY HOUSE
OH LAWD THEY’RE HERE
Wait are these actual people and not just robots?
LOOK AT THEIR LITTLE CHIBI MODELS
They have fucking oars
Okay…they’re kinda doing damage
||
Girl not another battle
Side Note: Mini Waffle is staring at me very intently
MY FUCKEN HOUSE
BABY
BABY BROTHER
WE’RE FUCKEN GOING IN ACE
Damn they’re all dead
Damn Ace is Double Dead
Call that Dimmadead
Mini Waffle is losing her shit
Please hold while I give her pets
|||
And now I watch as everyone else get’s fucking got
ONLY A FEW MINUTES
THEY GOT GOT GOT
Welp
TIL that Riddle’s VA is also Tanjiro Kamado (Demon Slayer) and Elan Ceres (MSG: Witch from Mercury)
I figured he was Tamjiro from the scream alone lol
This mfer set the whole grounds on fire
All that and for what
Malleus is not even on this plane of existence
OH NO ITS TIME TO GET HONEY
||||
I swear Leona just be knowing shit
And thus Ruggie was finally made Vice Housewarden
And then these two
|||||
What kinda shit
Y’all need him there to do the shit
But y’all can’t tell him where his parents are
Girl they out there with Malleus
On another plane of existence
And finally you, Cfrowley
Gather the Housewardens he says
Did you mean Kalim?
And by extension Lilia because we already know Malleus is nowhere to be found
Sharing Information | A Packed Flight | Uncertain Plight
Oh shit he’s actually here for once
Probably not for long tho
And here’s Lilia also just knowing shit
Makes sense I guess
Sebek’s bout to fucking cry
They really said here’s the rest of the cast sans the freshmen
Oh shit here comes the exposition
||
WAIT
I WAS HERE???
Mfken Idia
Riddle please
THREE HOURS??
Could not be me
They would have to knock me out good
|||
Them: How does Leona know so much??
Leona: Don’t worry about it
||||
GIRL WE IN THE DARKNESS
So y’all bitches went to therapy is that what you’re saying
I’m gonna beat this game’s ass
Azul that is not what you should be worrying about here
Tbh y’all
Wish they put his hair up in a ponytail
And that’s all for me rn
Grudging Compliance | Historical Guidance | Lupine Reliance | An Abrupt Collision
Riddle please
WELL
Idia: I’m the BOSS
Me, immediately: “i’M tHe BoSs”
||
The Age of Who
…
Lilia: “There is no shortage of historical narratives that have been twisted to suit someone’s agenda.”
And then my responses are:
Twisting historical narratives, huh…
(For some reason, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.)
Interesting…
Rook is not fucking pleased
Something the fuck is up
Highkey him being so suspicious really makes me believe that he does has some kind of Fae origin
|||
I got fucked up, Jack.
Don’t worry tho :)
Please note: The fic is fanning and I am taking mental notes that I will soon forget.
Anyway, MC is def wound tight.
“I don’t give a fuck about me! I’m more upset about Ace and Deuce still being unconscious. The Overblot victims are gone and Grim! I haven’t talked to him in a week now, and when I seen him he was in that fucking cage!”
Bitch do I look perfectly fine
Do I?
On the last day?
Yeah fuck it
IS IT BECAUSE I’M BLACK, CREWEL?
SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSK
That is a joke for those who can not read the tone.
||||
Girl it really was because I’m black
WAKE THE FUCK UP BESITES
WE GOTTA GO SAVE THE WORLD
Well, not yet but soon, but now
Deuce did not help my fucked up roof
Oh god
The country is coming out y’all
Jack you got to be talking to Epel here
Cuz I literally cannot do SHIT in this world
Funny that they sent me to Pomefiore knowing good and well Heartslabyul is the correct choice.
But plot reasons ig
A Rash Decision | In Hot Pursuit Defiant Dispute | A Heartfelt Salute
Rook what is the real reason
||
I feel like
Epel’s VA is struggling to be angry
Like one wrong move and the voice is shot
For what reason did we flashback to Mickey
Like, “His Majesty gave me permission, let’s fucking go!”
They really want me to make moves while I am literally the deadest weight but okay
|||
What the fuck, Epel
||||
This mfker said
“Your friends truly are your power.”
:)
Ignorance is bliss
We fuckin hungry dawg
Shout out to reusing Camp Vargas Assets
Time to learn about Rook’s UM
NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z KAI
Planning a Route | A Helpful Presentation | Overblot Explanation
For what reason did we have to do that little animation
Girl that coulda been an email
What Disney thing is this villa transporter thing from
Wait wait wait wait
HE’S GOT TO BE RICH
||
Back to the boys
Vil is not please with the attire
Oh girl no
We are not about to go through each of them
Oh Honey is pissed
Oh girl a video
I’m already not paying attention
I had to kinda pay attention because I couldn’t pause it :(
|||
You know good and well woulda taken that seriously
Especially with what Leona said
The bigass Not Heartless
So…Grim could actually be a fucking Phantom…
Alright
YOU KNOW
HIM EATTING THE FUCKING BLOT STONES MAKES A LOT TO SENSE
SO THAT BRINGS ME BACK TO THE WHOLE
WHO’S FUCKING RIBBON IS THAT ACTUALLY
They really said
“Here you go, Alie! Some info to use for your Grimsonas!”
WAIT
WAIT
WAIT
BROOOOOO
WHAT IF GRIM WAS YUU’S PHANTOM
AND THE REASON WHY YUU HAS NO MAGIC IS BECAUSE GRIM “ATE” IT ALL
AND THAT’S WHY HE WOKE UP ALONE WITH THAT RIBBON
BECAUSE THAT WAS YUU’S
AND THAT’S WHY HE WANTED TO GO TO NRC
BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE YUU WAS
So who the fuck is the snitch…
Is it fucking Crowley
Is he the fucking snitch
Contract Negotiation | VR Simulation | Virtual Aggression | Analysis Session
Oh lawd here comes Azul
Oh lawd here comes his specialty
Reading contracts
I mean Leona I feel like you could scrap no magic, but that armored guard is in the room
And Ortho
Who will fucking kill you
Leona ain’t reading shit
I feel like Jamil is skimming
Because there are three people at the table who will read the whole thing top to bottom and say something if it needs to be said
||
…
At the end of Black History Month…
Separate the whites from the colors…
This is a joke.
…
Is this not just COM
I just barely won that wtf
|||
What the hell
Vil what the fuck
How did y’all bitches just forget that y’all are in a simulation
||||
So Riddle’s a glass house
Whew Azul is not suited for Mage role
Kinda more so what they have Tidus run in the beginning on regular sphere grid (Using this as an example because I’m currently playing through FFXHD)
Hmmmm Vil’s is interesting
Mutual Concern | An Expected Turn | Data to Discern
I wonder how Leona and Jamil’s results are gonna look like
WHEW IF I DIDN’T KILL ORTHO ON THAT TURN I WOULDA BEEN DEAD MESELF
SKKSKSSKSK
||
AND THAT’S WHY LEONA SAID NOTHING AND JAMIL APOLOGIZED
Hold on, I must remind myself who is Honey
ALHAITHAM?? (ion even have my dub on JP lol)
IRA KINGDOM HEARTS????
CYRUS ALBRIGHT???
BARBIE IN THE PINK SHOES????
I GOTTA GOOOOOOOOOOO
God you really gotta be making the correct choices on this
Not even a match up is enough, you gotta be getting weaknesses
…Oops let’s run that one again
There we go
|||
Okay time for the results!
Listen
Jamil is Kalim’s retainer
Enough said there
That’s my Honey!
That’s Jamil for you!
Like tbh Idia
Yeah if this game was an RPG, I’d fucking play it
Hello?
River of what?
HELLO???
I’m sorry— what in the Naminé Kingdom Hearts did you just say to me?
All Alone | Waters Unknown | Attack in the Base | A Mysterious Case
I’m coming for you lil bro!
IT’S OKAY YOU DIDN’T KNOW BABY BOY
YES YOU ARE
I’M COMING TO GET YOU
I’m deadass about to start crying
GRIM
STOP
IF YOU CRY, I CRY
||
Who the fuck are your siblings
Also if the clan is really all that big
My Rook, Trey, Sebek cousin’s crack theory may be onto something lol
|||
WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE THERE 5 OF THEM
Oh wait there’s five of me
Nevermind
I wonder…
Oh okay
I thought they would count it as a loss if I won the battle
||||
Now y’all know good and well I woulda went down like
“They fucken got me”
…GIRL WHY IS THE OCEAN SCREAMING
GOT MY ASS
GIRL
IM BOUT TO GO SEE MICHEAL
AT A TIME LIKE THIS???
Oh girl I’m seeing Meg
Olympus but underwater
Cool
A Mind Boggling Story | Uncharted Territory | A Sense of Satisfaction
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Me and the boys looking for classmates”
NO IDIA WE’RE LOOKING FOR
BEANS
We truly are on some goofy games here
I just wanna see Grim
Okay don’t knock on the power of friendship Idia
That’s how Sora fucked up Xigbar
Or should I call him by his actual name
Oh?
||
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
I WANT ONE NOW
Ah
So the Island of Woe and Kingdom of Heroes are connected
…
Tied to the darkness
Hello?
There are what?
HELLO?????
Y’ALL BITCHES ARE JUST DROPPING IT HERE
Rook was ready to commit kill
|||
Rook really like
“I wasn’t being a good enough stan. I need to be more toxic!”
Is Kingdom Hearts on the game list?
DON’T BULLY HIM
YOU KNOW
WHAT IF
WHAT IF CROWLEY WAS CALLING GRIM OUR FAMILIAR FROM THE START
BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY WAS OUR FAMILIAR
ONCE UPON A TIME
ONCE UPON A DREAM MAYHAPS
A State of Inaction | Extra Demands | Impromptu Plans
HUH
A THOUSAND YEARS YOU SAY
AS IF
I DON’T KNOW
A MFKER WHO COULD PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP FOR A THOUSAND YEARS COULD CAST IT
HUH
It’s probably a Blessing then…
Huh so the Titans were the OG titans
Sidenote: Crazy how this and KH is like
“OLYMPUS IS VERY IMPORTANT”
Mfker didn’t even show up in DDD but you best believe the ost did
One song, one scene
…oh
That’s why Idia is like this
…
What happened to Ortho when you left…
Don’t worry, Idia.
People die and Yuna dances.
||
Oh god here they go
He looks so fucking tired
What’s Elysium?
Oop
Who dat?
|||
THAT’S JUST FUCKING CUBES
ITS JUST KINGDOM HEARTS
God if you’re not already a fan of Kingdom Hearts, you really should get on that
10,000?????
…
So some of them have been in containment for over 1,000 years but haven’t faded at all, huh?
This mfker is already asleep
Its fine if the baby suggests it
Anyway! I’m all caught!
I’ll see you all at the end of March!
CUZ AS I WAS DOING THIS THEY FUCKING DROPPED THE MARCH LIST
FUCKING LEONA TSUM TSUM BEFORE FAIRY GALA LEONA
IM GONNA DIE
AND THEN BOOK 6 AT THE END OF MARCH
I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH GENSHIN 3.5 WHICH UPDATED TODAY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Dear friend of mine hello how are you it’s currently 4 am and you’ve left me unsupervised so I’ve decided to make that your problem and why you specifically instead of just texting you well I’m glad you asked I decided that I wanted to be a problem and the best way to do that is to hit you where you don’t expect it so I’ve decided that I’m gonna give you an ask that’s just me rambling is there a word limit I’m gonna keep tying until I find it and I was gonna make my messages anonymous but you see tumblr didn’t let me click the button so while I was probably gonna just flood you with random sonic fandub quotes disguised as an anon I can’t really do that now because tumblr foiled my plans I know shocking I don’t use tumblr much so it’s probably a setting I don’t know about I really don’t know much about a lot of things on tumblr but hey I’m just here because it means I can see the depths of your star wars obsession because you’re never getting out of the holes you dig and wow this comment is getting long and I have not used periods or commas at all my brain is screaming at me to just end the fucking sentence but no I must persist I’ve written like this for to long and I can’t stop now if I stop now then that gives you a breath and I can’t let you breathe what time of 4 am exhaustion trip allows for breathing believe it or not though I’m not that tired like I could go to sleep rn but if you asked me that and hour ago I probably would say that I’d prefer to stay up I had headaches like all day today and I don’t know why maybe I should try drinking more water I think that might be the cause but then my headache felt better when I went and ate food so I think I might have just been hungry I’m not sure I’m not one to get headaches because I’m hungry autocorrect has stopped picking up when I try to write I’m it makes me stop and go back and redo it like instead of being I’m it’s im and that time it somehow autocorrected you okay I don’t know how that happened I think my phone is very confused as to what I’m doing right now and it just did it again and I really don’t like that because it breaks the flow of my typing like seriously do I really have to stop and think about the train my brain was just on I don’t wanna think right now I’m sending you an ask and it’s to much fun to stop I bet you’re staring at this in disbelief that I’m still going and oh my god the im thing is actually starting to drive me mad like I can’t take it I have to physically stop what I’m typing and go back to fix it because it flows with the continuity but like I have to stop typing and it doesn’t let me just auto fix it because there’s some sort of like color filter going on where if I select it I can change the color I might try it but again it messes with the flow to stop and chose a color so I really can’t and what if it messed with dark mode I swear to god if it messes with dark mode I’m throwing my phone out the window I cannot deal with light right now it’s light in my room because I still have the light on at 4:22 am in the morning and I bet you’re just screaming at me now March go to bed it’s 4:22 in the morning and you should be asleep right now but the thing is spite I told myself I was gonna write you a message and damnit that’s what I’m doing so I’m doing it right now because it’s fun and I have no idea how long this is gonna be like tumblr has not stopped me yet and I’m starting to wonder if there really is just no limit to the words I can ask I mean it’s almost been thirty minutes of writing this nonsense and nothing no stops or warnings though I did stop periodically to fix the I’m stuff but it fixed itself omg it fixed itself I’m im no did I break it again I’m thank god I guess it just won’t pick up I’m in multiple succession but I did it everyone I successfully fixed my autocorrect I can’t wait to read this back and see how many times I write I’m in this fucking paragraph of a sentence like how many times have I written it so far that is the only question you’re gonna get out of this ask maybe I don’t know I think this is fun more people
Did you get hacked?
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Mind if I request Coco, Winter, Yang and Velvet (all 4 from RWBY) with gender neutral video game reviewer S/O?
Of course, honey! I didn't know what you wanted, so I just did head canons, sorry (030)
I also ran out of ideas so I didn’t do Velvet, I might do her later when I have inspiration, sorry once more-
Coco Adel
Okay, she 100% calls you Her nerd
She won't admit it, but she loved watching your video's before you met.
She's played a few games, lesbhonest
So she loves making requests on what games you should play/review and she loves how you analyse them properly without any bias
If you’re streaming she’ll either burst in to embarrass you or she’ll join the stream and Superchat heaps of flirty shit LMAO
Will stop if you seriously don’t like it though. She understands its a job as well as a hobby
(won’t stop the superchat flirts though.)
But your viewers LOVE her
Honestly whenever you go live everyone is like: “Omg is ur gf gonna be here as well????” Or “@GAYMER WHERES UR GF”
Honestly you can’t tell if they’re there for you or your fashionista S/O sometimes
Enjoys hearing about your interests and opinions on games, she may not seem like it though. Its more of a ‘talks a lot/listens dynamic’
She finds it cute when you ramble over a new game you played, or a certain character from a game.
As mentioned above will join your streams, sometimes she games with you mainly its just her cuddling you and trying to distract you.
Overall a very fun relationship
Okay no offense but how did you bag her LMAO
She sometimes questions how she fell for such a dork but when she sees you smile shes like “Omg please stop being so cute I’m supposed to be calm and composed rn.”
Doesn’t fully understand your interests in games or reviewing them but nonetheless, she tries to engage
Im imagining you trying to teach her how to play your favorite games in her rare offtime but it doesn’t really work out
She just sticks to watching you game
Has only appeared once in a Livestream and it was an accident
“Love, where do you keep the- oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were live, excuse me.”
Okay wait Winter calling you love JKAJDEIJDEIO
Anygays
The chat eXPLODED with things like “OMG WHO DAT!?!?” and “WOW MOMMY” and other things like that
everyone thinks Winter is mommy now and who am I to disagree
You told her and she just rolled her eyes LMAO
Believe it or not she does remember everything about everything you tell her about.
Despite not playing any games with you she makes an effort to engage in conversation about the things you love
Besides the point but your viewers beg for her to come on to a live again and she always responds with a no LMAO
Still doesn’t understand your love for games but she understands her love for you <3
(okay this fanart tho-)
Yang has a side channel on DustTube (YT) and you can pry that away from my cold dead body.
Thats actually how you two met! Fellow gamers, shes more into just the playing side rather than the analysis stuff
But she thought the way you analysed everything was really funny so she was like, lets contact them!
She loves streaming with you whenever she has time
Sometimes Ruby will join you two but it’s mainly 1 on 1 dates rather than hangouts
Both of you use gamer terms and memes around her team and Weiss and Blake are like “Wtf is this language”
They love and hate you because the PUNS
The two of you love making puns and they really love that you make her happy but please, stop making puns every 0.00000000000000001 seconds.
She loves cuddling together while gaming, its just so heartwarming and cute
sometimes you two fall asleep like that
Okay but the ragequits are memes in your following now.
Like: #IPULLEDAYANGTODAY or “Guys I almost made like @AsImP’s gf today pls help”
She finds some of them funny but like, it gets kinda old
But like, everyone thinks your gf is damn hot ngl
Loves playing horror and fighting games with you
Has probably broken a controller out of surprise from a jumpscare.
100% most compatible relationship in my head
#coco adel#coco x reader#winter x reader#yang x reader#rwby#cfvy#gn reader#x reader#rwby x reader#s/o#request#y/n
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Hunter Noceda AU: Venance
(can't digitalize these rn so you'll get the sketches for now)
So yeah, Golden Guard version two!
When Belos does find out about Hunter in YBOS, Hunter gets the bomb dropped about them being related (idk how yet). but Hunter obviously doesn’t believe in it. Until Hunting Palismen comes around and they find this small thingy, Venance.
(thank you @bernardo-draws-and-cries for the name. Its based on the name Venâncio, which means “the one who hunts”)
He is another grimwalker made by Belos, he’s 12 (yeah.) and way more stressed (Belos has gotten more iron fisted after losing Hunter). Someone save this poor child
- He’s just starting out as the Golden Guard (and he’s not a coven head. Kikimora is. And she still wants him dead too), he’s still getting the hang of it. He does act tough and serious, way more serious than canon GG/Hunter, no space for goofyness.
- So yeah, a duo Hunting Palismen thing would be fun. Haven’t sorted out everything here but I do think Hunter would also go with Luz because of no palisman reasons. And he hasn’t met Ven yet, he only heard Lilith talking about him and Luz and Eda dealing with him on Separate Tides (he was busy drowning in guilt and trying to help with the money situation in other ways), so when he meets Ven and when he sees his face and how similar they are (and how many scars that kid already has), he’s reasonably confused/upset, like “Oh, that creepy man wasn’t lying. This doesn’t make anything on this situation better”
- After the initial surprise/confusion, Luz and Hunter jokingly call him Ghaterer until they learn his name, then they start calling him Ven. At first Ven hates this nickname but ends up reluctantly accepting it.
- Even before Eclipse Lake he’s so scared about being replaced, and knowing about Hunter’s existence in the Boiling Isles makes it worse, now he’s super sure he isn’t as valuable to Belos anymore. So he hates Hunter
- Hunter: come here youre part of the found family now
Ven: NO
Hunter: too late *picks him up*
Hunter: If Luz taught me something is that if you didn’t want to get assimilated into my found family, you should have killed me when you had the chance
Yeah that’s their dynamic when Hunter learns a bit more about him
- Venance doesn’t have much respect as the Golden Guard yet. He’s small (like, maybe even less than 1,50m/4′11″), young, has just been starting out on this role, like, in the last few months, could easily be picked up like a kitty, so he has to fight quite a bit to be taken seriously. Which results on him being way more grumpy and short tempered
- So he doesn’t take it very well when hes made fun of by the scouts in Latissa. Not at all
- Hunter, who was joking around until then:…are you okay?
Ven: I AM! *barely holding the tears back*
Hunter:
Hunter: that’s it youre part of the family now
Ven: you can’t do that
Hunter: we’re two and you’re one, we have your staff and youre very light.
(he still would put up a fight, and it would take a while for it to end. And he bites hard, he has very sharp fangs)
- Scouts: Go home with your sibiling
Hunter: *oh. Oh yeah i forgot we have the same freaking face*
- They don’t know yet about the grimwalker thing. Well, maybe Ven discovers later but at the moment where Hunting Palismen happens, neither of them know anything besides them being related, Ven got told he is his brother, and that Hunter was taken away from the coven before he was born
- Rascal seeing Hunter: hey you’re cool, i kinda want to be your palisman
Rascal seeing Ven: oh heck this kid needs help
- I’m not sure if Hunter gets Lil Rascal. Because on one side, would be fun for him to have Lil Rascal and train doing magic like this, but also could be good for Ven to have some small support back at home, like how they are to Hunter in canon. So this hasn’t been decided yet. Hunter could either get Lil Rascal and Ven doesn’t get a palisman/gets a blue jay palisman, or Ven gets Lil Rascal and Hunter comes back also empty handed
- So I’m going with the no palisman for Hunter route for now.
- It’s a bitter moment for both him and Luz. He tries to convince her that it’s okay, that they’ll get theirs soon, but she still kinda feels like a failure about this. And he himself thinks it’s because they don’t have a magic bile sac, so it’s not a good time for them. Eda and King lift their spirits a bit about this, though.
- Either by peeking around or just flat out being told, Ven does learn about him (and Hunter) being grimwalkers. What does he do with that? He has a crisis about it, which raises even more the stakes for him in Eclipse Lake. He still wouldn’t know his purpose for the Day of Unity, but he would know that he was created for it and could lose his position if he didn’t prove himself worthy of it.
- He would explode at Hunter one day and end up telling the truth about them being Grimwalkers (after Eclipse Lake)
- Ven: Do you want to know what you really are?! You’re a clone! You’re just someone’s clone just like me! A replacement!
Hunter, trying to not freak out but freaking out anyways: ...are you okay?
Ven; WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- If Belos is searching for Hunter, on the grounds of him being a more mature grimwalker than Venance, Ven could end up resorting to sabotaging the searches, he doesn’t want to be replaced.
- And he’s making Ven convinced that he will be replaced, to pit both boys against eachother. He gets Ven more under his thumb and not risking Hunter making Ven change his mind. Which doesn’t work as he intented, Ven does get scared about it but Hunter ends up pretty quickly going “dude why do you think I want to replace you?” and Ven is quickly thrown into a loop because he can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to do that
- Ven: what do you mean with “I don’t wanna be the Golden Guard”? If you’re like me you should DESIRE IT SINCE YOU WERE BORN
Hunter: lol no. I dealt with my need of approval a year ago on therapy.
Hunter: Also being a cop sucks.
- This boy is a tense child always a few bad moments away from a breakdown/meltdown. And has anger problems. A lot of anger in a very tiny body
- There’s some more interactions between Ven and the Noceda duo, and he would rather die than admit that he’s got slightly attached to them
- Eda: Luz told me that Golden Guard is a uwu smol boi that needs to be protected, hell knows what this means
Hunter, who definetly came there too because FUCKING COOL ASS CAVE AND LAKE: i hate/love her
Ven: If i ever see that human again-
Amity AND Hunter: watch your fucking mouth
(definetly not how it would play out but very funny sdkdshdfsj)
- In terms of strength he couldn’t defeat Amity in a fight for the key, he would lean more on the blackmailing. He is a 12 year old but he’s still on a position of power on the emperor’s coven and he knows where the key is, it would put the owlfam on Belos’ line of sight again (if they even ever went away from it)
- That or he passes out, gets dragged out of there by them (he’s a lil shit but they’re not going to leave him there alone where Kikimora could kill him) and he falls asleep for 12 hours in the couch on the owl house. Which ends up giving him a day where he can be just a kid. He’s very weirded out by everything but he enjoys it a little bit at least. He would still try to get the key and would be torn apart by the guilt of thinking of doing this and the guilt of not doing this
- It wouldn’t take much to make him want to stay in the owl house. He’s starved for positive attention. It wouldn’t be easy but also it’s not as hard as for how Hunter is right now in canon
- I don’t think this could happen but I keep thinking about one day him and Hunter switching places so he can be just a kid for one day. Would be cool to see him sneaking into Hexside (or being dragged there, which is more likely to happen) and interacting with Willow and Gus
And that’s some of what we have for Ven right now! He’s a fun character to figure out :3
This took SO MUCH TIME to write
#toh#the owl house#long post#golden guard#hunter noceda au#au#toh au#toh oc#i guess?#alec talks#my art#venance
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a fine line, part five
a/n: pushin this baby out fast as shit cuz i made yall wait like 2 weeks for part 4, and bc i’m in a writing kick rn and i’m trying to make the most of it... so here i am feeding you, my children. eat up! love you all, xoxo -ali <3
wc: 2.7k
warning!!! there is smut in this chapter: oral (f receiving) !!!
-
Your head felt fuzzy, like you were underwater or like you were up in the sky floating.
That’s what looking in Bucky’s eyes felt like.
“You okay, Y/N?” Bucky’s voice was muffled in your brain. You nodded numbly at him, like you weren’t even present in the current moment.
“I-I’m fine.” You give him a gentle smile, reassuring him that you were alright.
“You sure? Think I lost you there for a minute...” Bucky’s grinning, because he knows you were lost in your own world for a moment there.
“Yeah, yeah, all good.” You say again.
You were leaned into his side as you two sat for a bit longer and looked at the city, continuing to talk about anything that came to mind.
Your body felt heated, like you were being warmed from the inside out, and you knew it was because of your current situation. Sitting under the stars with Bucky, after eating a full meal and drinking maybe a little more wine than you should’ve, but this was the only place you’d want to be.
“Should we head out soon? I think it’s getting a bit late.” Bucky says, rubbing you arm with his hand that he had around you.
“Yeah, I think it is getting pretty late. Let’s clean up.” You tell him, and he places another peck on your lips, and then another on your forehead before standing up and putting away the items he’d brought.
The giddy smile never wiped off your face, and when Bucky finished packing up and putting the things away in his bike’s compartment, you sat behind him-- no hesitation this time.
As you hugged Bucky’s torso, you feel the breeze biting your skin, another shiver runs through your body. Bucky feels it before he can even start driving, and before you could say anything, he pulls off his own leather jacket and pulls it through your arms, allowing you to be surrounded by his scent.
You give him a grateful, shy grin, and he returns it with a sly one while he turns back around to start the bike.
The drive home was chillier, and you were extremely grateful for Bucky’s jacket around your shoulders.
-
Soon, you see your apartment building come into view, and as Bucky approaches it, his bike slowly comes to a stop and you feel the engine die as you slowly peel yourself from him.
“Thank you for tonight, Bucky. I really enjoyed it.” You tell him as he holds your hands in his large ones.
“Of course, angel. Anything for you.” He says, lifting your joined hands and kissing the tops of yours. You can feel the blush creep up your neck all the way to your cheeks.
You look down in bashfulness, but Bucky’s hand comes to lift your chin up once again, and you get all but sucked into his blue eyes when he comes in to give you another deep, slow kiss.
When you finally pull away for air, what you ask him even shocks you after it comes out of your mouth.
“Would you like to come inside?”
Silence lingers in the night air, and you feel so dumb for asking the question as his eyes are searching yours.
You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and it was scaring the crap out of you.
“O-or not, I understand if you don’t want to-” You were letting your thoughts take over, immediately trying to take back your suggestion.
But Bucky was kissing you again, effectively shutting you up.
“I do want to come inside.” He simply says and you nod, turning around to lead him into the building.
The elevator dings and you’re on your floor, Bucky’s hands are still on you. You felt like you couldn’t breathe, but in a good way, when his hands were on you. Wrapped around your waist, holding you flush against his side.
You reach the door and unlock it, unravelling from his body to search for your keys and slowly shutting it behind you. Lucy was perched upon the the arm of the couch, watching outside the window waiting for you to return, but perked up at the sight of Bucky.
She waits for him to greet her, as royalty does, and he comes to rub his hand over that spot on her head she loves. As she purrs, you watch with affection gleaming in your eyes. This was a sight to be seen.
“Do you want a drink? Water, tea, beer, wine?” You ask, breaking the silence while moving into the small kitchen.
“A tea would be good, doll.” He tells you, not moving his attention away from the black furball in front of him.
You quickly put on your kettle and wait for the water to heat up, and you prepare two mugs with green tea bags.
Bucky sat himself on your couch, making himself comfortable while he waited for you.
You two sat and chatted a bit more over the tea, but you just wanted to be... closer to him.
You gently placed down the mug on your coffee table, and nudged the remote into your hands.
“Wanna watch a movie?” You ask, and Bucky smiles.
“Sure you’re not gonna fall asleep on me, angel?”
“I’ll be fine, Buck.” You roll your eyes and smile. The movie plays, and you do something you would’ve never done a few months ago. You scoot closer to Bucky’s frame, allowing for your thighs and arms to be touching. Your heart feels like it’s going to fall into your stomach.
And then, Bucky puts his arm around you, letting you nestle further into his side.
You’re convinced you’re going to die.
Bucky’s hands come to your legs, pulling them over his lap.
Okay, now you’re actually going to die.
“Is this o-okay?” His voice rumbles, and you turn to look at him.
“I- Yes, it’s perfect.” You manage to breathe out.
You both watch for a while, letting Bucky occasionally kiss you again, and the last kiss gets you more heated than you felt before.
His hand is still around you while the other one runs up and down your side, effectively making you shiver while he moulds his mouth against yours. Your breath is short and you feel your heart trying to escape from your chest.
Bucky’s hand moves from around you to pull you off his other arm, and he moves you onto his lap. He’s kissing down your neck, finding that sweet spot that makes you let out a moan you’ve never even heard yourself make.
At the sound, Bucky groans, sliding down further in his seat and letting you finally sit down with both legs on either side of him. The only thing separating you from Bucky was your tights and underwear, and that made you nervous.
Very nervous.
He continues his was down to your chest, sucking marks further down where they wouldn’t be visible. One of your dress straps falls down your shoulder, which you don’t even register because Bucky stands up, holding you on him.
“I don’t think we should do this out here... where’s your room?” He asks, gently.
“Right down the hall, on your left.” You say breathily.
But then as he walks and kicks open the door, then shutting it with you against it, it hits you.
Bucky probably wants to have sex with you, right now. And you don’t know if you can handle that, but you don’t want to stop him right now.
He places you on your bed, and right now you’re just thankful you’ve cleaned your house in general this week.
Bucky’s hands move to take off his shirt, and he pauses, catching you staring at his built frame.
“You doing okay?” He asks, and you nod. “I need words, baby.”
“A-actually, can I... can I tell you something?” You question meekly.
“Of course, Y/N.” Bucky softly tells you, slowing down his movements.
“I- I uhm... I haven’t had sex in a... long time. A-And the last time I did, it wasn’t very... good.” You emphasize the last word, trying to tell him in the simplest terms.
Bucky remains silent, just watching you, and you don’t know what he’s thinking.
He probably thinks you’re a prude, y’know. One voice in your head tells you this.
But he did sort of go all out this week. Was that only because he wanted to sleep with you? Another reasons, but plants a new doubt in your head.
“That’s okay, sweetheart.” Bucky interrupts your thoughts before they could get even more intrusive. “Does... does that mean you’ve never...?” He trails off, but you know what he’s asking.
“Uh, n-no, I’ve never had an...” You feel like a child, not even being able to say the word.
“Say it, Y/N.” Bucky says to you.
Your mouth opens and closes like a fish, and you can feel your face becoming hotter.
“C’mon, sugar.” He soothes you, moving your hair from your face in a manner that makes you melt.
“I-I’ve... neverhadanorgasm.” You say in one big breath, and you shut your eyes in embarrassment, your hands coming to cover your face.
“Y/N, doll, look at me,” Bucky lifts your hands from his face, and he’s laying parallel to you on your bed. His voice is like honey to you, and you’re genuinely not sure how you ended up in this predicament.
“Look at me, hey,” you finally open your eyes and are met with his soft ones, “I don’t care how much or little experience you have. I just want you. And if that means that we go slow, that’s alright.” He explains to you, and you can’t believe that Bucky is even real, sitting here being so patient with you.
“T-Thank you, Bucky. I do, I really do want to, but I just... wanna go slow, for now?” You hated the way you sounded, unsure, and like a teenager with no experience.
“That’s just alright, babe.” You could tell he was being sincere, and your heart swelled at the sight of him.
You are so lucky.
“But, if you don’t want to have sex, I can still make you come.” The dirty smirk returns to his face, and you feel heat pooling between your legs again.
“O-Oh?” You ask, and you weren’t trying to flirt, but it came out in a way that made Bucky harder than he already was before.
“Do you trust me?” He asks, moving to hover overtop you.
“I- yes, I do.” You stutter, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
“Do you give me permission to eat you out?”
Your breath catches in your throat at the vulgar question, and you begin coughing into a fit, not believing what you’ve just heard.
“Wh-what?”
“You heard me.”
“You want to do that? To me?”
“I wanna make you feel good, so... yeah.” He tells you so simply.
“I- Okay...” You say reluctantly, but letting Bucky do what he feels is right.
“I’m gonna undress you now, okay?”
“O-okay.”
He’s standing in front of you now, pulling your tights down and motioning for you to sit up.
He pulls off your dress and reveals the soft baby pink lace set you had on, and although you weren’t wearing it with the idea of anyone seeing it-- Bucky lets out a groan that had you breathing harder.
Of course, your first instinct was to cover your stomach. You’ve never been the most confident about your body, and your tummy was just one part that you always continued to struggle with.
“Don’t cover yourself up, bunny. You’re so beautiful.” Bucky moves your hands, looking at the set and your body.
“Bunny? That one’s new.” You say to mask just how nervous you are.
“Well, you’re cute, like a bunny. Especially in this.” He motions to the bra and panties, and you blush again. He then removes your bra with the utmost care, placing it on your chair next to the bed.
“Now, lay back.” Bucky pushes you down gently, allowing you to fall back and leaves you staring up at your ceiling.
Your chest was moving at an extreme pace watching Bucky move further and further down your body, his hands stopping at the sides of your panties.
“Can I?” His voice is hoarse, and you think you’re going to melt.
“Y-Yeah.” You respond, and you feel the fabric slide down your legs. You feel your hands shaking, and you grasp the sheets when you feel Bucky spreading your legs apart.
“Fuck, bunny,” Bucky moans at the sight of your wet folds, gently kissing the insides of your thighs.
Your breath becomes more and more uneven as he gets closer to your core, and you have to keep reminding yourself that this is Bucky. You trust Bucky.
He’s mouthing closer and closer to where you need him, but you can tell he’s taking his time.
“Bucky, please.” Your voice comes out as a soft whine, and you can feel Bucky growl against your thighs.
“Patience, princess. I’ll give you what you want.” He tells you simply, like you’re not laying underneath him, panting like an animal.
“For fuck’s sake Bucky, I’m begging you.” You tell him in a way you’ve never heard yourself speak in before, but you were getting extremely frustrated.
And before you could even try to get another word out, you feel Bucky’s hot mouth move to your wetness.
A gasp leaves your mouth as soon as he starts working you with his tongue, and you feel like you’re in heaven.
Your hands are grasping at Bucky’s hair, trying to find some sort of reprieve from the way you’re feeling right now, and it’s killing you that you can’t see his face right now.
So, naturally, you prop yourself up onto your elbows; and the sight does not disappoint.
Bucky’s arms are both wrapped around your thighs, holding your legs apart and effectively making you throw your head back with a moan. His tongue is working wonders on your clit, and all you can feel is the building in your core that’s about to snap.
“Oh, Bucky!” You can’t even muster words at the feeling of him working you so well, and you don’t think you’ve felt this kind of pleasure in your life.
This kind of pleasure, the kind that’s making your head spin and your legs shake. You’re sure that when the time comes for you to stand up, you’ll be having quite a bit of trouble.
You look back down again, only to see his eyes looking right back up at you. You register a finger prodding at your entrance, and Bucky slides it in, only to feel you clench around it.
This leads to him moaning right into your pussy, making your back arch up at the vibrations.
He keeps his eyes on you as he moves his tongue in ways that make your eyes roll to the back of your head, your orgasm taking over your whole body. Your eyes roll to the back of your head, and you feel your mind go completely blank at the feeling.
Your body is limp against the bed, the only thing that you can focus on right now is trying to breathe.
Bucky only moves up to lay beside you, and you instinctually lay your head on his chest.
“How do you feel, angel?” Bucky questions, petting your hair and making sure you’re still alive.
“Wow. That was... amazing, Bucky.” You breathe out. You can’t muster anything else, but he understands.
“I’ll be right back.” He gently moves your head off of him, and your heart drops in your chest.
“W- where are you going?” Your voice is small.
“Relax, baby,” he kisses the top of your head, “I’m just gonna clean you up.”
Bucky disappears into your hallway for a moment after he pulls his boxers on, and you hear your bathroom door creak open, then the tap running.
A few minutes pass, and he’s back with a small towel in his hand.
When the rag meets your sensitive folds, you flinch at the feeling, but Bucky shushes you and gently continues his work. When he’s done, the rag is thrown into your hamper and he holds out his t-shirt for you to slip on. After, you both find your ways under the warmth of your comforter.
He’s hugging you close to his body while you lay partially on top of him, your head back on chest. You hear the beating of his heart, and you hear him say something, but the feeling is lulling you to sleep before you can register what he’s telling you.
That night, you dream of Bucky Barnes.
#bucky barnes au#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky fic#Bucky Barnes#college professor AU#professor!bucky#prof!bucky x prof!reader#prof!bucky#a fine line#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes smut#bucky barnes series#bucky barnes x reader series#bucky x y/n
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3 am Talks - hq pt 4
a/n: first and foremost, please don’t attack me for the twins’ accent. i know i didn’t even try but i also don’t have the brain capacity to do it rn. second, i know i did karasuno but i was requested to do asahi after posting it and i wasn’t gonna make a separate post for just him so i slapped his ass onto this one (:
pairings: kita x reader, atsumu x reader, osamu x reader, suna x reader, sakusa x reader, asahi x reader
warnings: language, some spoilers for post time skip
taglist: @babydabi, @suckersuki, @bakugoustanaccount, @animoozies
part 3
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
⇾ omg this boy is gonna talk about how proud he his of his teammates
⇾ like full on proud dad moment (i imagine him like that one panel from the last chapter, just so proud)
⇾ he’s such a soft man, he would talk about how he wants to start a family with you
⇾ what do you mean the sheep aren’t our kids???
⇾ so would wear a soft smile listening to you ramble on about something
⇾ he would love to hear whatever was going on inside your mind, would never tell you to stop talking or cut you off. Ever.
You climbed into bed after waking up to pee in the middle of the night. Kita had been up for a while and you were unsure as to why he was still up. Before you fell asleep, the two of you had been watching his old teammates play a match on tv and he had been praising them the entire time.
“What are you doing up still?”
“I was texting in the group chat after you fell asleep and I just can’t sleep now.”
You sat cross legged next to him. “What’s on your mind now?”
“How I want to start a family with you in the future.” That came out of the blue. Neither of you really talked about that far in the future. “The twins started arguing again and Aran started yelling at me to get them to stop. I asked him why he was telling me to stop them and everyone replied that it was because I’m the only one they still listen to. And then everyone started talking about how I was like the team dad even after all this time and I started thinking about how I would be if I was a father and if I would still act the same. I looked down at you sleeping and the thought just came to me.”
You were speechless. “I mean, not that I have any problems with having kids with you, but I wouldn’t classify the twins as test subjects on your parental qualifications. I don’t think they compare to toddlers because the twins actually listen.”
“Well, that’s why we have chicken. And sheep.” Kita gave you a warm smile.
“Honey, I love you, but please don’t tell me that you just compared animals to human children. Possibly ours.”
“It’s okay. It’s good practice.”
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
⇾ for as much as i shit on him, i do love atsumu (osamu is the superior twin, sorry lei)
⇾ but this poor baby would always be in such a negative head space after losing a match
⇾ literally thinks his entire team hates him, his coach wants to replace him, his brother and ex teammates would look down on him, wondering what was so great about him
⇾ he would just need to get his feelings out without judgement - just hold him while he word vomits but sometimes he does need to hear some motivation to get him out of his funk
⇾ this kind of feeds into the other things he would talk about if he didn’t have a match
⇾ just a lot of talk about his insecurities and how he feels inferior to other people his cocky persona is fake
⇾ just wrap him in a blanket and feed him comfort food as he lets out everything weighing down on his heart
“If I didn’t fuck up five serves, we coulda won.” Atsumu was laying on his stomach with his head on your lap as you ran your fingers through his hair.
“You weren’t the only person who messed up today. You can’t blame yourself for losing the game when everyone made a mistake at some point.”
“But mine were so easy to prevent.” He wrapped his arms around your waist tighter. “I know when I go into practice next week, coach is gonna bench me. I’m not even mad, I deserve it.”
“Tsumu, don’t say that.”
“It’s true. Samu even called me out on it after. And I know the entire team wants me out.” At this point, you didn’t know what else to say because no matter what, Atsumu was going to believe that he was the worst player on the team. “I’m just holding everyone back.”
Your hand stilled in his hair. “Tsumu, the only other setter who’s managed to pull off that crazy quick with Hinata is Kageyama. Plus you got Bokuto on your team too! Both of those players are so high energy and hard to manage, yet you make it look so easy. So you had an off day, everyone does. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days -”
He got up and glared at you before you had a chance to finish what you were saying. “Hannah Montana is not the right person to bring into this motivational speech.”
“But you sing Hoedown Throwdown and True Friend on a weekly basis.”
“And you better take that sentence with you to the grave.”
You grinned at him. “But imagine how much money I could get for selling those twelve little words to the press.”
Yes. He tackled you and made you swear on your life that you wouldn’t tell a soul.
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
⇾ it depends on his mood: either he’s doing all the talking or he’s strictly listening, there’s no in between
⇾ when he’s talking, it could be about a n y t h i n g
⇾ from atsumu to food to you to work to a new show he’s watching to kita to meeting up with friends
⇾ literally anything
⇾ he doesn’t necessarily need to know you for a long time, but he does need to feel close to you if he ever talks about how he feels about you
⇾ he’s not the type to be soft of the regular, so when he is being soft, he’ll be even quieter, maybe even hide his face in your neck or your stomach depending on the position the two of you are cuddling in
⇾ when you’re the one doing the talking, his hands are always busy doing something - most of the time playing with your hair, but it could also be playing with your hands, massaging your hips, etc
“- so Kita blocked our numbers.”
“I mean, you did cuss out Atsumu while his phone was on speaker and he was with his grandmother.”
“How was I supposed to know that?” he asked quietly into your neck.
You laughed. “Let him talk next time. You and your brother you are adults now, so stop arguing like children.”
“I can’t help it, he pisses me off sometimes.”
You hummed. “Give Kita a fruit basket or take him out to lunch and apologize.”
He rubbed his thumb over your knuckles before pulling you closer into his chest. “Yeah I’ll do that.”
“Ooo! What if you have him test out that new recipe you were telling -”
“No. I always have you test new dishes and that won’t change,” he mumbled.
“Samu?” He nuzzled his face further, his breath warm on your neck. His hand moved to your hip and alternated from massaging you to rubbing his hand up and down.
“You’ve gotten me this far and everything worked fine. I don’t wanna change anything.” You reached back and lightly scratched the nape of his neck. You turned over and found his face closer to yours that you expected. His arm went back to resting on your hips with his hand on your butt, pulling you closer. He gave you a light kiss on the tip of your nose.
“Are you saying I’m your good luck charm?” you asked teasingly.
“Nothing’s gone wrong since you’ve come into my life. I’m gonna fucking marry you one day.”
You smiled. “Yeah, you also said that when you got your wisdom teeth removed. I’m still waiting on the ring.”
He pulled you into a hug, your head in his chest, his lips placing another kiss on your forehead. “Don’t rush me or your not getting anything.”
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
⇾ he wouldn’t talk at 3 am
⇾ would literally tell you to shut up and go to sleep
⇾ and if you didn’t stop talking, he would get up and either go to someone else’s place or tell you to leave
⇾ this man does not care about what you’re thinking or what you have to say when he’s trying to sleep
⇾ so don’t expect him to be all soft and listen to you - better yet, talk
“So I was thinking -”
Suna grumbled. “Yeah? You better stop thinking.”
“But I’ll forget in the morning.”
“Then it wasn’t necessary to talk about.”
“I’m gonna say it.”
“You’re gonna shut the fuck up if you wanna sleep here tonight.”
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
⇾ a listener
⇾ would literally tell you to shut up and go to bed jk, not really
⇾ if he’s up at 3 am with you, he’s listening to music
⇾ for sure he won’t be talking and doesn’t really want to have to pay attention to whatever you’re saying
⇾ not in a rude way but like, it’s late and he doesn’t feel like using brain cells at the time
⇾ if you are talking and he loves you, he won’t tell you to shut up or stop, but don’t expect a reply from him
⇾ depending on his mood, he’ll choose to listen or not, and when he’s listening, he’ll make sure you know that he is
“Did you make this lofi playlist?” You were scrolling through your shared Spotify account on your phone, trying to find something to listen to since neither of you could sleep.
“Yes.”
You played it, both of you enjoying the soothing music that filled the quiet of the room. “Do you have a fanclub?” Sakusa hummed. “Is that a yes or a no?”
It took him a minute, but he replied. “Not sure. Why?”
“I don’t know how I feel about a group of girls drooling over you.” Were you proud? Jealous? Indifferent? You couldn’t figure it out. But the fact that he asked made you happy that he cared enough to bother listening to you.
“Why should you care?”
You looked over at him. “Well, what if they’re the crazy type of fans who try to break in here. Or don’t like that we’re dating and try to kill me?”
He laid there in silence with his eyes closed as you spoke about all the extreme types of fans that you had heard about. Once you finished, he remained quiet. You felt bad, thinking that you bored him to sleep. “Love, I think you’ve been listening to too many true crime podcasts.”
“But still, those types of people exist.”
Sakusa shifted with his eyes closed, pulling you so you were resting on his chest. “Stop thinking about that. It’s stupid. Now go to sleep.”
“But -”
“Go to sleep.”
“I can’t.”
He shushed you. “Sleep. We can talk in the morning.”
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
⇾ jesus would talk about his insecurities
⇾ would catch you up with his friends aka the other third years
⇾ but also i feel like his anxiety traveled with him into adulthood so like, lots of stress talks about releasing new designs on time and not wanting to let people down/be a failure
⇾ he would talk about his travels too, the different things he enjoyed from each country he visited with noya
⇾ would make plans to go somewhere with you when both of you had the time to drop off the face of the earth for a little bit
“So where else did you want to visit?” you asked.
“Maybe Switzerland?”
You nodded. “That’s a good choice. Want to do anything specific?”
“Not really. When I was with Noya, we kind of just winged everything. It was more exciting and memorable that way.”
“I do remember you being more free.” Whenever he called you or sent you pictures and videos, he seemed more happy.
“Really?”
“Uh huh.”
“I do remember feeling less stressed. I have a deadline coming up soon and the pressure is intense.”
“Does it feel like volleyball stress?”
He gave you a little shrug. “A bit? I have a team - a different type of team - and I don’t want to let them down, but in this case, I’m the captain without anyone to rely on. Everyone else needs me to have everything together, so I don’t have the time to freak out or be stressed.”
“Yet, you’re still a ball of anxiety.”
“Am I?” He grimaced.
You nodded.
“I’m trying to get better. It’s really hard when there’s a voice in the back of your mind telling you that if you mess up, everyone will be let down and disappointed in you. On top of that, the media and public are so harsh with everything. There’s just a lot of pressure.”
“But you’ve done so well. Sure things were a little shaky when you first started, but you’re well known now and well loved.”
“You have a point. I’ll do better for you.”
You smiled. “I’m already proud of you, don’t worry about that.”
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