After an accident splits apart the group, Felix is left alone in the world, wishing for better days to return (little does he know, that dreams come to those who truly want them).
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a/n: for @kokinu09, our beloved zom mother and dedicated supporter of all that we do. happy birthday!
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LEAVE - PART 1
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Once upon a time, after a terrible accident, a boy came from another world and stayed in this one and lived quite happily for several years longer.
This is not that story.
---
"Hey, Yongbok!" that voice calls behind him, and his breath catches in his throat.
He doesn't want to turn around. In fact, he doesn't; not when he can tuck his chin into his collar and fix his eyes on the pavement and walk as fast as he can away, as if he hadn't heard anything at all. Maybe this time, if he pretends that everything is just the same as it used to be and someone will be waiting for him just around that corner, it will come true.
But that won't happen, of course. How could it, when he deserves everything he gets? When he was the one that ruined it all? No, wishes don't come true for people like him. Instead, he will run without letting on that he's running, and they will catch up to him, and it will all play out just like it does every day-
"Yongbok! Hey, lucky boy! Where are you going?"
Felix's eyes betray him, glancing back towards the mocking calls that only grow louder. The sun catches in them for their trouble, sweet golden light from the low horizon, burning at the rings around them and their bloodshot interior. He can only make out the shape of the boys behind him around its glare, the vague features that differentiate them from one another; he couldn't possibly miss Hyunjin amongst their ranks, slinking along at the back like he knows he shouldn't be here.
That's how they catch him; Hyunjin, trying to hide behind another boy. Trying to pretend that he doesn't know what he's doing, right up until the moment Jinyoung's hand wraps around Felix's arm and stops him several metres short of safety.
"You should have waited," Jinyoung says, conversational even though they both know better than to think they are friends. "We wanted to walk with you."
Felix tugs at his arm, trying to wheedle his way out of his grip, but the other boy won't let go, hand wrapped around his arm in an iron grip. "I like walking alone," he lies. "I always go alone."
"I know," Jinyoung says, and gives him a smile that's full of teeth. "It makes me sad. That's why I wanted to walk with you."
"Oh."
"I feel like I never see you with anyone at all, actually," he continues, as if Felix's jaw hasn't screwed itself to the roof of his mouth, as if his skin doesn't turn clammy in the boy's grip and his hand doesn't curl into a fist, tingling from the constriction in his arm above. "Ever since Minho-"
"Shouldn't we get to class, Jinyoung?" Hyunjin asks from somewhere in the back of the gaggle of boys that surrounds them. "The bell is going to ring soon, and we haven't even made it to the gate."
"You used to know Minho, didn't you, Hyunjin?" Jinyoung says instead of answering, swinging around to look at him. "Weren't you two friends?"
Hyunjin hesitates, his face like a rabbit trapped in a corner as he looks for a way to turn, and then shrugs. "I guess so," he says, like he doesn't really know. Or care. "It was a long time ago."
Felix stares at him, the iron-tight grip of Jinyoung's hand on his arm momentarily forgotten in the way that Hyunjin stands there and tips his chin up and pretends that Minho never meant anything to him at all, his eyes turned carefully away to avoid Felix's gaze. Coward, he thinks, and, liar. His gaze sweeps over the boys, sizing them up.
It's a silly thing to do, when there is seven of them and one of him, and no one waiting around the corner to come and pick him up when he doesn't arrive on time...but the way they spit out Minho's name on the pavement like that, the way Hyunjin stands up ramrod straight and stony-faced in their midst and pretends to be one of them, stirs at the hot anger that coils in the bottom of his stomach, goading it into rearing its black, ugly head. And so what if they beat him to a pulp, if they call him names and spread vicious rumours throughout his class? For Minho, it's worth it. For Minho, it's the least he could do, after all the evil he has already caused.
His eyes slide past them, to the street beyond, the alley that darts between two houses. His shadow is not there, his ghost that normally follows on his heels. It's a shame - some days, he might curse at it, others ignore it, but at these kind of times, he thinks he might find a little comfort in looking at that face again.
He doesn't deserve comfort anyway. He deserves what's coming to him, when he tips his chin up and says, "You can't talk about Minho like that."
The way Jinyoung looks at him is dangerous, eyes glittering with a dark kind of intent, an irritation at being questioned when he has so carefully built this troupe of boys who would never dare to. "Yeah?" he replies, eyebrows raised. "Why not?"
All of the breath catches in Felix's chest. He grabs it tight and tries to still the racing of his wild heart. "Because it's disrespectful. And he was my friend."
"You think he wasn't my friend too?" Jinyoung throws back. His grip tightens, his fingernails pressing half-moons into the constellations of Felix's skin. "It's the day that you did it, you know. If you even remember. Or care."
All of a sudden, everything stills. His rabbit-beat heart, the scrape of his throat, the heat of the blood running through his veins. Even the world around him - the sharp chill of autumn, the fog rolling at the feet, the slide of Hyunjin's eyes away from any place where he might have to witness what happens because of his cowardice. Because of Felix's stupidity, because of Minho's stubborn, mule-headed-
"He was not your friend," Felix bites, and then he launches forward, his fist cutting itself open on the yawn of the boy's teeth.
It feels good, for a moment; the sharp split of bloody knuckles, the crack of his jaw under the force of his arm. The way Jinyoung's grip slides from his arm as he stumbles back into the wall, one hand clutching at his face. Felix feels himself smile, wide and wild, in the wake of that disbelief, feels the sting of pain as he shakes out his fist.
And then a hand finds his stomach, driving all the air from his lungs, and his back finds the pavement, and all he can see is faces and fists, blocking out the morning sky. None of them want to be left out, savage as a pack of wolves upon fallen prey, and Jinyoung isn't inclined to stop them - not that he could, with his jaw cracked in half, blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth.
Not that Felix can see that. He is curled on the ground, barely a prayer able to slide its way past his lips. The world narrows to this; impact, and the expectation of impact, and the memory of the impact even after it is gone, radiating down through his bones into the scar tissue he's already wound around his heart. He doesn't know when they started, or when it will end. Maybe it won't end at all, like those myths where a single moment of time continues to recur, over and over again. Maybe they won't think to stop until he is-
"Hey!"
The voice that shouts out isn't Jinyoung, or Hyunjin, or any of the few boys that might think to save him if they happened to pass by. It's too loud and too grating, its edges too sharp. Felix doesn't recognise it, but somehow, he still feels something sad when he hears it; a great sense of longing, or the ache of a time long past or once missed the indulgence of. Whatever it is, fists follow it, grunts of effort and yelps of pain. Boys scatter in every direction, their circle widening. A black shadow stands over Felix, hiding the sun in its shape.
"You wanna go again?" it growls, and as if by magic, every opponent scatters, lost to the whisper of the breeze.
The shadow turns, one pale hand reaching out to help Felix up. Its fingers are slender and long, its forefinger encased in gold; a ring, achingly familiar. Felix stares at it for a moment too long.
"Are you coming, or do you want to lie there all day?" that voice asks, and the shadow shifts, the sunlight falling in shafts of gold across its face. His face - Minho, his ghost, just as he had been the last time Felix had checked on his heels. Except for the dark bruise that's blooming on his jaw, the split of skin across his cheekbone. The scrape of his knuckles, oozing blood even as he offers that hand. The ghost had never looked like that, not in the five years since he'd first appeared.
The ghost had never offered him a hand up from the ground either. Mostly, he just stood in the background and judged. Felix is used to it by now.
"Hello-o," Minho says, his voice sing-song in the way it lifts the word and turns it playfully in the air. "Earth to Felix. Are you coming?"
Like he's in a dream, Felix reaches up and takes that hand. Its palm is warm in his, its grip strong as it hauls him to his feet, ignorant of the sharp pain in his chest as he climbs to his feet, Minho a rock against the sway of his body when it protests being upright. Like he's real, like it's possible that he is standing here on the sidewalk in full view of the blazing sun, like he had never gone away at all-
"Come on," he says, their hands sliding apart so that he can throw his arm around Felix's neck instead. The way he drags him forward is relentless, so insistent that any of the words Felix might have said catch in his throat as his focus turns to propelling his feet forwards instead - words like how is this possible and why could they see you and why aren't you dead. Just normal, everyday questions that he'd definitely been prepared to ask when he dragged himself out of bed this morning. Questions every sane person found themselves asking at that point in their lives where their imaginary friend became real, which was a normal and everyday occurance, of course.
He'd spent so much time on that man's couch, being told this was all in his head until he'd learnt to lie about seeing Minho at all. And now...what? All of that had been for nothing? Or he really had lost his mind this time?
Minho walks too fast for him to figure it out, spilling them through the school gates and into the long grey building that waits beyond them, weaving through the crowd of students. Minho makes a beeline for the lockers, following the same path Felix walks every morning, shouldering aside the same kids and shying away from the same beady eyes of teachers. For a minute, Felix thinks it is because he has followed and remembered where to go, hanging off his coattails every day - but then they stop at the locker, and Minho punches in a different combination to the one he's memorised, and-
The locker swings open, and it isn't his locker.
Well, it is his locker. It's the same location, the same 4-1-2 painted on the door; but the untidy pile of books and paper and pens isn't there anymore, the leftover wrappers from snacks, the bits and pieces he has stashed away in the back corner to save for a day he might need them. Instead, everything is organised in a neat row, a jacket folded at the bottom and the rubbish cleaned out and thrown away. Minho's bag swings off his shoulder and slides into its spot on one side, his coat folded over the top of it.
Felix doesn't realise he's staring, wide-eyed and uncomprehending, until Minho turns his gaze on him. "What's wrong?" he asks, like he can't possibly comprehend how anything out of the ordinary is happening.
Felix shakes his head, his mouth opening and closing as he searches for the words to describe what he's seeing. "How did you-"
"Lee Minho!" a voice calls over the top of him, loud enough to ring out over the noise of the crowd in the hallway. Their heads swing around at the same time; and there is the principal, her face thunderous and a finger crooked to beckon them toward her. Minho sighs and turns back, slamming the locker closed.
"What did you do?" Felix asks; and suddenly, this feels familiar, like he has fallen into a day in the past that he had just stepped out of for a moment.
Minho gives him a withering look, just the edge of it cut and curved to spare him. "Well, there was the fight outside the school gates," he suggests, so mildly that it circles back around to disparaging.
"Oh," Felix says, and takes stock again of the ache in his ribs, the scrape and bruise of his knuckles. "Right."
Minho laughs and grabs his hand, dragging him further and further into the world.
---
"Do you want to tell me what happened, Minho?" the principal asks, sinking slowly into the chair behind her desk.
Felix shifts uncomfortably under the gaze of her eyes, piercing blue and unyielding. Minho sits quietly, his spine ramrod straight. "They were hitting my friend," he says, without even a breath to steady himself first, "so I hit them back."
Felix has never understood how someone could be as brave as Minho, whose porcelain veneer has never once cracked. Even when they were kids he was like this, unbending and unbreakable, calm in the face of any storm, including the one that darkens the face of the woman before them. Felix has always been the coward, in comparison, hiding behind Minho until Minho was no longer there to be hidden behind.
"Jinyoung tells me that you were the one who started the fight," the principal says, and lays a hand flat on the desk before her. "Is that not true?"
"Why would I start a fight?" Minho asks. "He's the one that's always getting into arguments. I've never done anything wrong."
The principal isn't fazed, her gaze and her voice steady as she says, "I was hoping that you would be able to answer that for me."
Minho shrugs. "He started it. I finished it. And it wasn't at school, so it doesn't matter anyway."
"Oh, really?" Her eyebrows raise, shooting towards the ceiling. "You think that you can fight on the street in school uniform, and it doesn't have any effect on us here?"
Felix swallows hard and tries not to breathe in - too full a breath will set his chest to aching, and he doesn't want to feel that. He'd like to just run away from here and forget about the whole thing, really.
Minho doesn't seem to feel the same way. "I'm going to be late to class," he says, and then dips his head as if that makes it less disrespectful to talk back to an adult like that. "If you want to punish me for protecting someone, then just give me detention."
Her eyes narrow, staring at him like she's trying to see past the barrier of his skin and bone to his soul beyond; like she can tell if he's lying if she only looks hard enough to see it written there on his face. "I'll let you off with a warning this time," she says eventually, and leans back in her chair. It's the first time Felix has seen her blink in the last minute. "A warning, Minho. On your file. Permanently. And I'll be contacting your parents."
"Okay," Minho says, shrugging like it doesn't matter. Maybe it doesn't, to him; Minho has good parents. Kind, generous people that had always taken Felix home with them when his parents were still at work or busy with his sisters, who he'd never once seen raise their voices except for the day that-
"And I need the name of the other boy involved," the principal says, a pen poised over a scrap of paper.
"Lee Felix," Minho says, his eyes straying to where Felix sits next to him. Their gaze meets for just a moment - Felix feels like he is clueless, his eyes begging for answers and his mouth hanging open as if to ask the thousand questions that haunt his mind, but Minho's face is blank, his thoughts hiding behind a mask.
The principal's pen pauses. "Felix?" she questions, the foreign name uncomfortable on her tongue. "We don't have anyone here by that name. You said he was a student?"
Minho glances over again. Felix can't catch his eye this time; it is there, and then gone again, whatever thought he has had calculating itself in his mind before Felix can even catch on. "He goes to a different school," he says, and pretends that his eye doesn't flick down to catch the tightening of Felix's grip on the arm of his chair.
The principal's face creases, her mouth pressing itself into a thin line. "Okay," she says eventually, her pen tapping unhappily against the table. "I'll look into it. You can go."
Minho lifts himself up out of his chair without another word, turning on his heel and striding out to the door. Felix has to scramble to catch up, nearly knocking his chair over in the process - it teeters on two legs, caught between standing and falling, and then rocks back to its upright position, the impact swallowed by the carpet.
"Don't knock my things over, please, Minho," the principal says, and when she looks up, her eyes stare straight through Felix, to the pause of Minho's receding back ahead of him. A chill runs down Felix's spine at that blank stare, the way her eyes never seem to focus on him, no matter how close they get to seeing.
"Sorry, seonsaengnim," Minho says, as if it really was him that knocked the chair over, and slips out the door.
---
He's pretty sure, as the day wears on, that Minho is only pretending that everything is normal and nothing is wrong and if Felix brought it up, he wouldn't possibly be able to understand what he is talking about.
It's not the way that he makes no comment except for mindless small talk about things that don't seem to matter, things Felix hasn't talked about with anyone since it was normal all those years ago. It's not the charging forward through the day, from one class to the next and then to sit and eat lunch on a hard metal bench in the tall, glassy cafeteria, and then back to class again. Minho has always been the decisive one, throwing himself forward into life. He'd lived like that, and he'd died like that too, and that's how Felix had always remembered him.
No, it's not that, but rather...the sidelong glances when he doesn't think that Felix is looking. The way that he picks and twists at that golden ring on his finger, his thumb rubbing back and forth incessantly over the tiny inscription on its surface. It's the way that he's so bent on pretending to be normal that it isn't normal at all, all the tension bunched between his shoulders and twisted around the steel of his spine, tightening and tightening and tightening.
Even when the day ends, when the bell rings and they circle back to that locker and Minho throws his bag over one shoulder and Felix's arm over the other and drags them all out the gate and back onto the streets, he won't stop and admit that anything is wrong, squinting against the sunlight as he follows the same path home that they've been taking since they were old enough to walk themselves, hand in sweaty hand.
"Today was so boring," he says, as if he can read the spiral of Felix's thoughts and the questions that are bubbling close to the roof of his mouth. As if he has to say something before Felix can blurt them out, or else he won't be able to live with himself.
Felix's head swings around, staring at him like he is crazy. "Boring?" he asks, like he can't believe what he is hearing.
The patchwork of Minho's face stares at him in return; red bruises overlapping pale skin, and the clean split of that cut on his cheek, swabbed and dressed by the school nurse. Minho had refused to let her put anything on it, for whatever reason. Felix didn't think that he was the sort of boy who would try to let it scar just because he thought it was cool, but maybe...
"Yeah," Minho says. "All of our classes were boring. What did we even do all day? Just sit around?"
Felix can't think - even when he tries, casting his mind back to each class in turn, he can't remember a single thing they were supposed to have learnt. There's more important things going on than a little schoolwork. "What about this morning?" he questions. "The fight? The-"
"Boring," Minho cuts across him, quick as a whip. "What's Jinyoung's problem, anyway? He knows better than to mess with me."
He's still angry that you died, Felix doesn't say, his mouth screwing shut. He's still angry that it was my fault. Like Hyunjin, hanging off the coattails of those cruel boys; like Jeongin and Seungmin, transferred to other schools, like Jisung, hiding in the film club room with his head buried in the sand. But he can't say that, not to Minho. Not like this. To acknowledge that he used to be a ghost, and now suddenly he is real, that is one thing, but to tell him outright that he shouldn't be here?
What if he doesn't know?
"I think he was just looking for someone to fight," Felix says. "I don't think he cares who."
"Still," Minho insists. "He should know better."
Felix falls quiet, the words drying in the back of his throat. They're rounding that corner anyway, the one that he hates; off the main road and onto that neat, tree-lined street he'd spent his childhood playing in. He doesn't usually walk this way anymore; he goes to the next street instead and doubles back at the other end, an extra ten minute walk better than having to walk past that house and pretend not to see the eyes that peer out from the windows, watching and watching and waiting for something he cannot-
The house.
Minho stops, his arm around Felix's neck pulling him to a halt too; and here they are, standing in that well-worn place on the pavement that his feet haven't dared to touch in so many years. The house stares back at him, red-brick veneer and cream windowsills silently judging him, its windows eyes that never close and its door the frowning line of a mouth.
Felix shivers under its gaze, shying away instictively, but Minho doesn't seem to notice, his arm sliding away as he turns to face Felix. "Do you want to come in?" he asks, like it is any day of that last summer they'd spent together, wasting away every hour of sunshine in each other's company. "You could stay for dinner. Or stay over, if you want."
Yes, Felix's chest says, moments before his throat catches the word short. He hesitates, looking between Minho and that house that he's learnt to detest so much, and finds that he can't think clearly around the ache in his chest, the rise of his heart at the thought of all those days returned again, like nothing had ever happened. And it's easy, standing here and looking at this house, unchanged since the first time he'd lain eyes on it, to pretend that nothing had happened - not this weird day, not the worst one of his life, not all the days in between where Minho had been a ghost at his side, an absence that even the warm air couldn't fill.
"You don't want to stay over?" Minho teases gently, shoving his bag further up his shoulder and swinging open the garden gate. It's an invitation he knows Felix can't refuse; not any day in their childhood, when he'd been in trouble so often for being home late, and certainly not now.
"Of course I do," Felix answers, and follows him down the garden path, closing that neat little white gate behind him.
Stepping into the house is like entering one of the dreams that haunts him night after night, right down to the coats that hang on the rack inside the door, the pile of mail dropped on the side table next to them. Minho toes his shoes off and leaves them stacked neatly at the end of the line, just like he always does, pads down the hall on light feet that make just as little noise as they ever did.
Felix stares at the row for a moment, his own shoes abandoned on the floor in front of him where he would usually leave them when he was young and still ignorant of things like good manners. In the dreams, he doesn't even notice such a small thing as tossing his shoes in a corner on his way through the door; he supposes that he still does everything the same as he had when he was ten years old, his mind skipping over the details that hadn't seemed important to him back then. The focus of the dreams is always Minho, anyway, not his shoes, or the wind of the pavement that brings him here, or whatever his teachers were talking about in the lessons he sits through with Minho by his side.
(Is this all a dream?)
He picks up his shoes, and adds them to the neat row, side by side with Minho's.
The smell of food cooking wafts through the house, sharp spice and roasting pork, the pot that it sits in warming the air. Minho follows the hum of voices talking with the ease of someone who has grown in the house and never left; in the kitchen, he ducks around the arms of his mother with a deftness that sets a stone in Felix's throat and slips over to the fridge, stealing two apples from within its depths.
"Your school called me today," his father says, leaning over the stove to check a particular pot. Rice, Felix realises when he stirs it, the kernals sticking to the spoon when he lifts it out. "It's not like you to get into fights."
"Mm," his mother agrees. "When I told you to make some friends, this is not what I meant."
"I have friends," Minho says, the fridge closing softly behind him. "I only got into the fight because he was beating up my friend."
His father looks up sharply, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Which friend?"
"Felix," Minho says, and points towards the doorway in which Felix hovers, too afraid to enter the room.
"Who's Felix?" his mother asks without even a glance towards the door.
A chill creeps down Felix's spine, the blank stare of the principal as she looked right through him replaying in his mind. Surely, it could not be happening again - but then, why would the Lee's ever let him inside their house, after all that had happened? How would they not notice him standing here, waiting to be thrown out on the street? It seems inconceivable, just the way that standing in this house again is.
Minho looks at him, his mind slowly calculating behind those clever eyes. "One of my friends," he says, deadpan, and saunters back across the kitchen to Felix, ignoring the way his mother rolls her eyes at him.
"Where are you going?" she asks his retreating back. "Dinner is almost ready."
"I'm going to lie down," Minho answers. He doesn't even pause as he passes through the doorway - Felix is forced to step back, socks shuffling against the cold tile of the floor, to avoid being run into. He stops in his tracks one step past the doorway, turning back as if he's forgotten something. "I'm sorry about the fight. I'll come and get dinner later."
His mother softens immediately - too kind, too forgiving to her only child. Or maybe not, seeing as he was as trustworthy as she thought he was. "Are you going to sit with us later too? There's a movie on tonight."
Minho's brow furrows. "What movie?"
"Oh, I don't know." She turns to look at his father, gesturing for him to help her. "Some American movie."
"Back to the Future," his father supplies without turning around, busy measuring out a particular ingredient over the pot on the stove.
All at once, Felix's heart stops and his chest constricts, all of the air vacating his lungs at once. He can't draw it back in, can't get his blood beating again; how could this be happening and hasn't this all happened before and-
Minho doesn't seem to notice, his mouth twisting as he considers it. "Sounds boring," he says eventually, shrugging his shoulders. "Maybe I'll just do my homework."
His parents seem unbothered by the declaration, wishing him well on his journey. Minho climbs the stairs without any hesitation, stopping only to drag Felix along with him when he lingers by the kitchen door, his feet screwed to the ground while his mind races ahead, trying to figure out what it means if Minho doesn't remember enough, and he remembers too much.
---
"You're no fun, Yongbok," Minho says in the dead of the night, the carpet rustling as he wriggles around restlessly next to him.
"What?" Felix questions, his eyebrows drawing together. Hadn't they just been talking about school, and plans for the future? Minho had been describing the ideal life of a rock, arms flung lifelessly across the carpet in demonstration. Between pangs of guilt at the sound of this boy he's never seen as a living, breathing teenager talking as if he has a future, Felix had been thinking he should aspire more to be a cat, like the two currently pinning down his right arm, strategically slumped over his wrist and his upper arm to prevent any untoward movement. And then-
"You're so quiet." There's a quiet meow, a protest as he attempts to slide his wrist out from under cat #1. "You're not supposed to be that quiet."
"Not supposed to be..." Felix's eyes move from the cat to the ceiling, turning the words over again in his mind. Studying them from every angle; you're not funny, you shouldn't be this quiet. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Minho pauses his disagreement with the cat, turning to stare at him with dark, unreadable eyes. "The last time you were here," he says, like it's obvious, "you were louder. Omma had to tell you to be quiet because she was on the phone."
His heart in his throat, Felix sits bolt upright, his mouth hanging open as if to ask a question he can't remember the words to. Damp hair falls in his eyes, blinding him; he pushes it back with one impatient hand, slicking his fringe back along the top of his head. From the look on Minho's face, he is sure that it sticks straight up in the air. He doesn't have time to worry about it.
Minho knows something, and he has spent the entire day avoiding saying anything about it at all. Because he wanted to enjoy one last day together, or because he thought it was something Felix wouldn't want to hear? Felix doubts it is because he's scared to say it; Minho isn't scared of asking anything, usually.
You knew him a long time ago though. Maybe things have changed.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," Minho says, and Felix only knows he's joking because they've been friends long enough for him to learn how to read the tone of his voice. Minho grins, a sly upturn of his mouth like a Cheshire cat, but Felix can't find the presence of mind to return the gesture. If anything, he's sure his face gets paler, his head starting to spin at the pressure that builds in his chest, the fear that clutches at his throat with cold hands and won't let go.
"Do you know what happened?" he blurts out all at once, the words spilling over the carpet, and then covers his mouth with one hand as if that will stop him from saying anything else stupid. Hadn't his plan been to not freak Minho out? To approach this with all the finesse he is clearly not capable of?
Best laid plans, and all that. He might as well have just given up the moment he saw Minho step into the sun this morning, if he wasn't going to try any harder than that.
Minho sits up, resting on one crooked elbow around the mass of a disgruntled cat. His gaze is calm in comparison to the jackrabbit of Felix's heart, hammering away in his chest. "Right now?" Minho asks. "Nothing happened right now." He pauses, and then adds, "You look like you're about to pass out."
"Not right now," Felix gasps, trying to ignore how the second part makes him realise that his head is kind of spinning, his vision kind of blurred. "Years ago. When you went away."
"On vacation?" Minho questions (how is he so calm?). "What happened then? We were bored the whole time."
"No, before that-" Felix stops suddenly, realising that he doesn't even know what vacation Minho is talking about. He can't remember any vacation, not from before he died, and certainly not after. "Five years ago. When you-"
Died. He's gotten used to thinking it by now, after long hours sat on a man's couch and longer still looking at the ghost of the boy following him around, always there but never seen by anyone else - but to look him in the eye and say it is a new challenge entirely, a task he cannot rise to the bar for. Instead, he drowns, and gladly. He's never seen Minho so happy as he is right now, grown and content and talking about the future like there is an entire life ahead of him and nothing could ever happen to break them apart.
"When I first saw you?" Minho questions, and everything stops.
Felix frowns. "When you-"
"When you appeared," Minho insists. "That was five years ago. I remember what grade I was in at school."
"I've only been here for one day," Felix says.
Minho's head shakes, his fringe falling across his eyes. "You've been here for five years. Do ghosts not have very good memories?"
"What?"
Felix stares at him, not computing. Minho blinks. Nobody speaks.
"You're a ghost," Minho tells him again, when it's clear he isn't going to say anything more.
Still, Felix stares. "No I'm not," he replies dumbly, rattling the words off like a machine. "You're a ghost. I'm alive."
For the first time since they started talking, Minho looks upset, his mouth twisting in consternation. "Felix," he says gently, and reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder, not minding the cats as they tumble off his arm, stretching and shooting him dirty looks in compensation for their dignity. "No one else can see you. I don't know what happened to you, but-"
"The boys this morning could see me," Felix says abruptly, cutting him off. "Jinyoung and that."
Minho pauses, curiousity colouring his eyes. "That was weird," he agrees. "How did they do that?"
"How did they see you?" Felix throws back. "No one has been able to see you since-"
Minho waits, and waits, but the words stick in Felix's throat, the confession he hasn't been able to make out loud to himself or to the ghost in the five years since it became a reality. He'd come too close to saying it just now, despite all the time he'd spent convincing himself that this was the worst place to say it.
"Since what?" Minho questions anyway, nothing if not relentless.
Felix feels it welling up inside him, the confession. The truth that wants to come out, no matter how he tries to chain it down. He's always been a bad liar, even in far more favourable circumstances than this, and Minho knows that. He'd spotted it from the first day that they'd met, as boys in a schoolyard - and he'd learnt to play off it, too, to sit there expectantly and watch him twist himself inside out until he broke.
Not that there had ever been anything Felix wanted to keep from him anyway. The world had been simpler back then, just school and the walk there and the walk home, and all of the time they could steal from their parents. He'd been an open book before Minho had gone away; he was too soft-hearted to be anything else, too willing to please to ever try undermining.
But this...
You can't tell him, he thinks, over and over again, his fingers digging into the soft ream of the carpet; and yet, he can't think of anything else to say. What could he say, when yesterday one was a ghost, and today he is, and Minho seems to know what happened, but he has no idea, and he's never in his life been able to lie anyway, and-
"You died," he gasps, long moments of silence followed by every syllable all at once.
Minho stares at him. And then laughs.
"No I didn't," he says. "How could I have died? I'm right here?"
"You fell on the road," Felix says, his fingers picking at the carpet. "And there was a car - you died, Minho. You died a long time ago."
Slowly, the amusement fades from Minho's face. "But I'm still here," he says again, an argument he can't let go of. "I've never even been close to being hit by a car."
Felix shakes his head. "You've been...you're just a figment of my imagination. I made you up in my head, and you wouldn't go away."
"No," Minho insists. "That's you. I made you up in my head, and now you just follow me around." He pauses, matching the confused frown that draws Felix's eyebrows together, and then adds, "You didn't die though. You just appeared one day...or maybe you moved away when you were little. There used to be a kid called Felix in our class a long time ago."
Felix pauses, several movies coming to mind. Bodyswaps, alternate universes, time travel and what-ifs...except none of that had happened, had it? This morning, everything had been normal, and Jinyoung had apprehended him on the street, and then they'd gone to school and-
No one had been able to see him after they hit him. After Minho stepped in, after he chased them away when Felix was too weak to get up off the ground, no matter how many medals he's won or how much better he knows than to pick a fight he can't win (or to pick a fight at all; he might enjoy it as a sport, but he's no street rat, scuffling in the dirt over some petty bygone).
"It doesn't make any sense," Minho says, stretching out like a cat and laying back down on the floor again. Unconcerned; but then again, if he thinks this is how it has always been, then nothing has changed for him. It is only Felix whose world has turned upside down, who was alive and now is only a thought in someone else's head, a ghost in a place that does not want him.
It's kind of poetic, he supposes, that all those years ago he would have given his life for Minho to come back, and now Minho is alive and he is dead, or not here, or just a visitor until he isn't needed anymore. It's kind of deserved. Maybe this is what the universe had been waiting for, throughout all those years of seeing Minho following him out of the corner of his eye, here to him and yet not to anyone else.
"Hey, Felix," Minho says, just as the spiral of his thoughts steps too far into the dark - and maybe he can see it on his face, echoing there in the lines of the frown etching itself above his eyebrows. Felix turns to look at him questioningly, and finds him staring at the ceiling, one hand patting the cat that is busy settling itself down on his stomach.
"Why did you make me up inside your head?" the older boy asks.
Felix swallows hard, the lump in his throat like a rock he's lodged there to catch all the words he's still trying not to say. Things like because it was my fault, and I couldn't let you go, which is only the truth, but if Minho didn't like him anymore because of it-
"Because I missed you," he answers - the truth, and yet not really the truth at all. He pauses, and then asks, "Why did you make me up inside your head?"
"Hm." Minho hums, his fingers worming their way deeper into the fur on his cat's back. "Because I was lonely, and you were nice to me in my dreams. I never had a friend like that."
"Oh." The word stutters out of Felix's mouth, the rest of its sentence lost in the corners of his stomach. He'd never heard Minho say anything like that, not when they were just boys. Not when he was a ghost, quietly following him around because he had no other choice. It squeezes at his heart - in pleasure, at being Minho's friend when for so long, so many people would tell him that he wasn't any kind of friend at all, but also in cold pain, because-
How could he be any kind of friend, when he had done what he'd done?
"You should make more friends," he says eventually, forcing the words out between his teeth that want to say don't be anyone else's friend but mine.
"That's what omma always says," Minho snorts. "And that therapist."
"They sent you to see him too?" Felix asks.
"Yeah," and he can hear the curve of a smile in Minho's voice, carving the words into sharp edges and flat planes. "Because I see dead people."
"I'm not dead," Felix says.
"But I am?" Minho questions. "That doesn't seem fair."
No, Felix's mouth doesn't say. It isn't fair at all.
---
There's nothing else to do on the second day of being a ghost, so Felix follows Minho to school.
"We could have just skipped," Minho says again as they weave through the traffic in the hallway, his books tucked securely under his arm. "I don't want to go to school anyway."
His heart still in his throat, Felix shakes his head. "I want to go to school," he lies, the same way he had the first time this had happened. "We'll just get into trouble if we skip."
"I'll get into trouble," Minho amends. "You're a ghost."
The reminder doesn't help with the tightness in his chest, nor does the clever smile that plays on Minho's lips even as he takes his hand, dragging him over to their locker. First, the movie playing on TV, now this same day playing out again, just like it had when they were boys...
What was he really doing here? Alive one day, non-existant the next, following around Minho's memory as they relived days of the past? Unless he was just imagining it, or it was all a coincidence, his mind reading too much into what was already an unbelieveable situation.
Just as the thought settles his stomach, he sees the poster, stuck onto the end of the lockers.
SKZ Film Club, it reads, and his mouth turns dry and his blood runs cold.
It's all going to happen again.
"What are you looking at?" Minho asks, realising that Felix isn't listening to whatever it is he is saying, and looms behind him, reading over his shoulder. "The flim club? You want to make a film?"
"You're not in the club?" Felix questions in return, his whole body turning to look at Minho, who just shrugs.
"I know the boys that are in it," he says, "but they're all best friends. I don't want to be the odd one out in a group like that."
Felix is reminded suddenly of the first time he'd seen this poster, hung on a wall in just the next hall over, directing interested parties to a classroom several rooms further away than the one listed on here, and the boys that they had found there when he'd convinced Minho to go; six of them, sat in a circle on desks and chairs, laughing at something Changbin had said just before they'd walked in the room. He's reminded too, of the days that came after they'd made that leap, the friends he'd thought he would keep forever, the summer and winter days they'd clung to each other through.
"Maybe you'd be one of their best friends too," Felix says, like they're ten again and fitting in is all that matters. "You always wanted to be an actor."
"Hm," Minho hums, like he doesn't believe him. "People don't like me like that. Except you."
Felix is so surprised that for a moment he forgets how this story ends, his back turning on the poster. "What are you talking about?" he asks; Minho, seeing what is written on his face, retreats to the locker, burying his head in the open doorway as if that will hide him from the reality he's just created for himself. "Lots of people would like you, if you tried to make some friends."
"Are you trying to say you don't want to be friends with me anymore?" Minho jokes, defensive. "You could just tell me. Float away on the wind or something."
"No!" Felix replies, aghast. "I'm just saying - I don't think they would hate you. I think they'd like being your friends a lot."
Slowly, Minho retracts from the locker, watching him from around the open door. His gaze is sharp, judging - looking for something Felix isn't sure he'll find, down below his skin and bones. "Okay," he says after a moment, slamming the locker closed so hard that it makes Felix jump. "I'll join the club, then."
Felix pauses, long enough for Minho to stand up and stalk away down the hall, sliding between groups of other kids. "Wait," he says, reaching out. "I didn't mean-"
The bell rings, drowning out his voice. Minho doesn't look back, not even to check if he is following - he just keeps walking, charting a direct, determined path towards the open door that leads to the film club, so close that Felix couldn't stop him if he tried.
This is how it all starts. This is how it all ends.
He should stop him, should run through that hall and shut that door and send him on his way to a safe, lonely existance with no one but a boy no one else can see for company. That would be the safe option - if he did that, wouldn't it stop this chain of repeating events? Wouldn't it stop leading down the same path that it had before?
And yet, his feet don't move. His hands hesitate. Minho's retreating back is swallowed by the crowd.
He thinks again of those boys, and that endless summer, the happy days that had begun and ended with Minho, that he'd wished so hard and so long to go back to, and...he can't stop him. Can't take that away from him, even though he knows where this road might lead. And even so; does his fear of the ending mean that he should never even let it begin? Hadn't this been part of the wish too - not just that Minho comes back, but that the other boys return too? Hadn't he missed them just as much?
His breath catches in his throat when he gets to the door and looks inside and there they all are, strewn across the desks just like they would have been when they were younger. Even the sight of Hyunjin, the boy that hid within their bullies rather than standing and facing what he knew had happened, lifts his heart; here, he does not frown or suffer. Here, he smiles, the light catching on his face in a way that Felix hasn't seen for several years.
Seungmin is here again, and Jeongin, sitting there side by side the way that they sit side by side in the school across town in his world. Jisung laughs loudly, clinging to Chan's arm to avoid slipping off the desk that he's sitting on, legs dangling in the space between his seat and the ground. Changbin's eyes rove around the room, passing by the door but never focusing in on Felix's pale face peeking in.
Filling in the circle, his back turned to the door, Minho takes a hesitant seat within their group, the light of the windows catching on the smile that slips across his face, and it seems right somehow. Like something that was always meant to happen; a peace that wasn't there before settles into Felix's chest, a certainty that he's done something right rather than something wrong.
A feeling that maybe he was here to do a job, and this was only the beginning.
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