#like why are gay love stories so much sadder then straight ones

[vikingqueer]

music recommendations because i have some thoughts™

i don't wanna be that person who's like "my music taste is so weird lol" but i find that very often most of my friends don't really care for the music i like so i thought i'd just make a long ass post about it on tumblr instead. Fair warning, I'm very passionate about MIKA and The Mechanisms and so this very quickly got VERY long because it is part of my ongoing campaign to convince people to listen to mika and the mechs.

1) MIKA in general, but especially My Name Is Michael Holbrook (2019) and No Place In Heaven (2015) (especially the Deluxe version!!)

MIKA is a kind of British singer (half Lebanese, grew up in France blabla), and you probably know him for Grace Kelly and Relax, Take It Easy from his first album Life In Cartoon Motion from 2007. He writes a lot of FUN music, interspersed with the occasional slightly sadder song, especially when looking at an album like No Place In Heaven, which contains a lot of songs with gay themes, resulting in some songs that are just a little bit ouch. He's originally classically trained and has a frankly RIDICULOUS range and idk he just writes very good pop music. Also I have so much respect for that time he talked about how a lot of pop is very fake, with like expensive cars and stilettos and mini skirts in the snow and said "Because I walk down the street, and I don't see any of that. I see fat women and gay men. I don't know... That's real". He's written 5 albums; My Name Is Michael Holbrook (2019), No Place In Heaven (2015), The Origin Of Love (2012), The Boy Who Knew Too Much (2009), and Life In Cartoon Motion (2007).

For starters, I recommend listening to Last Party, Origin Of Love, Grace Kelly, Blame It On The Girls, Blue, Happy Ending, Pick Up Off The Floor, Last Party, Underwater, Tomorrow and Tiny Love (yes this is a long list but i REALLY love MIKA). If you want a slightly broader palette that's not just my favourites, I recommend the Mika starter pack on spotify.

2) The Mechanisms. I warn you. I am making this a thing. I have been obsessed with the mechs since last march.

Boy, where to start? The Mechanisms were a British 9 member space pirate story-telling cabaret that "died" in January 2020. They rewrite songs to fit retellings of various stories. I don't even know what genre I'd describe them as, but probably folk but steam-punk?? Their 4 "main" albums are concept albums, and I honestly just recommend listening to the from beginning to end in chronological order. A good way to get into the mechs is also to listen to UDAD and then watching the live show on youtube or alternately try giving Death To The Mechanisms a listen, to get good quality live show audio of TBI and various other stuff. Also, it was streamed on YouTube and someone combined the footage with the album audio and it rocks. Really, I think the mechs' best selling points are honestly just their concept albums:

Once Upon a Time (In Space) Their first album from 2012. I'd say this is the most "easily digestible" for the general public, since it's a retelling of various fairytales. So, what if Old King Cole was in fact not merry, but rather a cold-blooded dictator, intent on colonising as much of the galaxy as possible. What if Snow White was a general, looking to avenge what King Cole did to her sister, Rose. What if Cinderella was to be wedded to Rose the day that King Cole attacked in order to kidnap Rose? But y'know, In Space and also like every other mechs album it's a beautiful tragedy. Fave songs are Old King Cole, Pump Shanty, and No Happy Ending.

Ulysses Dies at Dawn You guessed it, it's a story about Odysseus, or Ulysses because I guess Ulysses is easier to rhyme or fit in the meter or something, idk. Ulysses is a war hero of unknown gender who is said to keep something that could take down the corrupt Olympians, meanest families in the City, in a vault to which only they know the passcode. Oedipus, Heracles, Orpheus, and Ariadne have been hired by Hades, who happens to be The Mechs' quartermaster Ashes O'Reilly, to get into Ulysses' vault. I didn't care much for udad at first, but honestly it's got some real bangers and the story is really good. UDAD weirdly stands out as the only of the concept albums to not feature any gay relationships, per se. Fave songs are Riddle of the Sphinx, Favoured Son, and Underworld Blues.

High Noon over Camelot This is my favourite mehcs album. So basically, this is Arthurian legend, but it's a space western and Jonny D'Ville does a bad southern accent. This is the story of the cowboy lovers Arther, Lancelot, and Guinevere searching for the Galfridian Restricted Acces Interface Login, or GRAIL, in order to stop their world from falling into the sun. Meanwhile, Mordred and Gawaine are ruling Camelot, and Mordred has convinced Gawaine to try to establish peace with the Saxons by whom Mordred was raised, but Gawaine hates viciously. If you love getting your heart broken and songs by a fucking off the rails batshit preacher I HIGHLY recommend hnoc. Fave songs are Gunfight at the Dolorous Guard, Blood and Whiskey, and Once and Future King. Honorary mention for Hellfire because it awakens something animalistic in me.

The Bifrost Incident TBI is the frankly only good adaptation of norse mythology I've ever known of, and I say that as Dane who was literally forced to learn things about norse mythology in school because it's my heritage or whatever. I've been listening to TBI a lot lately because it's VERY good. It's definitely the most refined of the mechs' albums (because it's the newest) but also I just love a little bit of cosmic horror. 80 years ago, Odin, the All-Mother, ruler of Asgaard, launched a train through the wormhole Bifrost that would reduce the travel between Asgaard and Midgaard from 3 months to 3 days, but things didn't go quite as planned. Lyfrassir Edda of the New Midgaard Transport Police is trying to solve the case of why suddenly the train has arrived 80 years late; to figure out whether it was accident or maybe it was sabotaged by Loki, who was allegedly sentence to death her murder of Baldur, by the Midgaardian resistance led by Loki's wife Sigyn, or maybe by Thor, who was to take over after Odin, and who holds quite the grudge because he used to be a friend of Loki's. You might've heard the song Thor from this album, it's apparently quite popular. Fave songs are Loki, Ragnarok III: Strange Meeting, and Ragnarok V: End of The Line. Yet again an honorary mention: Red Signal because while Lovecraft was a bitch, his invocations are fucking RAW.

Basically, the Mechanisms do all of their performances in character as captain first mate Jonny D'Ville, quartermaster Ashes O'Reilly, pilot DrumBot Brian, master-at-arms Gunpowder Tim, science officer Raphaella la Cognizi, doctor Baron Marius Von Raum (neither a baron, nor a doctor), archivist Ivy Alexandria, engineer Nastya Rasputina, and The Toy Soldier, who is, as usual, present. You can find very obscure lore about the crew of the Aurora here, tidbits on Tales To Be Told and TTBT Vol. 2, such as One Eyed Jacks, The Ignominious Demise of Dr. Pilchard, Gunpowder Tim vs. The Moon Kaiser, Lucky Sevens, and Lost in the Cosmos.

If you feel like listening to a full 40-50 minute album to find out if you like a band is a bit much, I recommend listening to one of the mini stories Alice, Swan Song, or Frankenstein, which are about 12, 5 and 9:30 minutes respectively.

3) The Amazing Devil You know that guy who played Jaskier in the Witcher? I got into The Amazing Devil from spotify recommending them because I listened to the mechs, and apparently Joey Batey from The Amazing Devil is the same Joey Batey who was in the Witcher. Both him and Madeleine Hyland are VERY talented singers and songwriters and their second album The Horror and the Wild makes me go out into the forest and SCREAM. I listened to it on repeat for like a month straight. I guess they'd also be considered folk, but like. New Folk. Also yes, this is another British artist, I don't know why I'm like this. I've never really gotten that into their first album, Love Run, but King slaps. As I understand there's this whole lore about the Blue Furious Boy and Scarlet Scarlet, Joey and Madeleine respectively, but unlike the Mechanisms it's actually possible to find out things about the actual real people and harder to find the obscure lore? I'm open for people to please help me. Fave songs are The Horror and the Wild, Farewell Wanderlust, and That Unwanted Animal, which is literally a third of their second album, but again. I haven't really listened to Love Run that much, and I just LOVE the harmonies on THATW. (also im gay and dramatic leave me alone)

4) dodie I have so much love for this woman. Like many others, I first knew dodie as doddleoddle on youtube. I think I first stumbled across her in probably 2015, because I distinctly already knew her before she released her first EP Sick of Losing Soulmates in 2016. I think I watched probably every video she's ever made in the span of a few weeks. I just loved her quiet sound and was absolutely HOOKED. Also she's actually the reason I got into MIKA originally, so thanks for that. Dodie just realeased her first album Build A Problem (in addition to her three EP's; the one mentioned above, You, and Human) and it slaps. Yes dodie is also British Fave songs are probably Monster, Rainbow, and In The Middle.

5) Cladia Boleyn Unfortunately, Claudia Boleyn only has three singles and that's it. She's been making content on youtube for quite a while, and that's how I first discovered her. I don't know what genre her music is, but I like it. The songs are Celesta, George, and Mother Maiden Crone, of which the latter is my favourite. I'm not saying Claudia Boleyn invented women in 2017 when she released Mother Maiden Crone, but she did. Also you guessed it, Claudia Boleyn is British.

6) Hozier I'm not about to tell you about Hozier. You know who he is. Listen to Nina Cried Power, Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene, and Shrike. Also Hozier isn't stricly British in that he is definitely from A British Isle, but Ireland is not part of the UK. Give me a break.

7) Oh Land Oh Land IS DANISH. I like her early music best, because I'm not that into the electronic sound. I guess Oh Land is just you regular old pop, but with the occasional weird vibe? Oddly enough, I like her first album Fauna best. Unfortunately I haven't really listened to her newest album Family Tree much, but it seems good? Fave songs are Frostbite, Love You Better and Family Tree. I cried on the bus, first time I listened to the Danish version of Love You Better, Elsker Dig Mer because my mother tongue always just hits harder. Also Frostbite is Oh Land doing a duet with herself which is pretty cool.

8) Oysterband This is a live recommendation. I mean they're a decent folk band and all, but they're a fucking experience live. If you like folk and you ever get the opportunity to see Oysterband live, do it. Unfortunately, yes. They are British. Either way, they are incredible on a scene and I think they deserve a mention for that.

9) Ben Platt Honestly don't know much about this guy, but he's not British and he was in Dear Evan Hansen. He released an album in 2019, Sing To Me Instead, and I just think it's a good album, there isn't really not much more to it. Fave songs are Grow As We Go, Bad Habit, and In Case You Don't Live Forever.

and thats all for now. this has been a ramble. shout out to you if you actually read all of this, especially the mechs part.

#music stuff #amalie.txt #music recommendations #mika #the mechanisms #the amazing devil #dodie #claudia boleyn #hozier #oh land #oysterband #ben platt

[catnippackets]

have you seen/would u recommend pacific rim 2? ive heard some things about newt and idk lol

I feel like Im in the minority that actually did think pru was fun but that being said it ended SO abruptly and with like three separate plotlines completely abandoned that I was really frustrated for days after watching it until I had processed everything and had time to think deeply about it lol it just seemed rly unfinished?? it feels like it was deliberately made as 1/2 of two sequels and there needs to be one more to tie everything up. actually I’m gonna ramble abt this bc I have a lot of thoughts (obvs spoilers under the cut)

the thing about the second one was that I genuinely was enjoying it right up until it ended because I swear to god the moment the end screen went up I yelled "what the fuck, that's it?" out loud into my bedroom bc I was so SHOCKED that THAT'S how it all ended, because it just seemed so incomplete?? Like it seemed like one half of a story, that will only be made whole if there's a third one to tie up all the plotlines that they didn't go through with in the second and if that's the case then I will be completely fine with it but if it doesn't or if they dont have a third one at all I will stay so frustrated lol. one silver lining to this is that the vibe of this movie was so different from the first that it almost feels easy to separate it and just imagine it as an AU if you prefer which is sort of nice; usually if a piece of media I like does something bad I feel all gutted and anxious and terrible that this is the canon I have to accept, but something abt this movie just made it feel like it was sort of a totally separate deal. maybe cuz only 3 of the original characters were in it idk

to start off: I felt like there were a couple of plotlines in it that were just sort of introduced and then never seen through which was very ????? Amara & Vik's weird hate-rivalry thing was one of them; Vik instantly has it out for Amara bc she’s jealous, which is a very interesting concept, and then this prompts Amara to become hostile right back at her, which is also a very interesting concept, and then it never got resolved at all? like they couldve done something really cool with those two but it just never went anywhere. and then there was sort of a weird love triangle thing happening between Jake and Nate and Jules that felt so weird bc it had no significance to the plot at all and it felt like it was only thrown in there for the sake of having ~romantic drama~ idk maybe I wasnt paying too much attention and there was more to it than that but it really just seemed like they wanted to put romance in there and didnt want to bother to put any work into it

BUT the thing about romantic sub plots is that THERE ALREADY WAAAAS OOOOOOOOONE which brings me to the biggest frustration I have w this movie because--and DISCLAIMER, this was also my favourite plot point of the movie bc it was by far the most interesting, the biggest reason for me enjoying the movie at all, and the bit I feel like should have had WAY more attention--Newt and Hermann were like legitimately in love in this movie I swear to god I was watching it and thinking “this is GENUINELY the most blatantly gay thing I’ve ever seen in a feature film and I know that straight ppl are very talented at writing gay romances completely by accident so it’s possible that they just accidentally did it this way but also it is REALLY goddamn obvious oh my gooood?” (and then I did a lot of frantic googling and found out that I was right and Charlie Day & Burn Gorman knew what the fuck they were doing and I felt so validated lol), and yet despite this, the movie had them speak for the last time almost at the halfway point of the film and then spend the entire second half apart and not talking at all and even at the post-credits scene where Jake and Newt talked for a bit Hermann wasn't there?? not even behind Jake to give Newt any searching glances?? Nothing??

dude...Newt being possessed by the precursors is a HUGELY interesting concept that actually makes sense and I wish it had had more attention. I’ve seen a lot of ppl say that pru butchered Newt’s character and I don’t 100% agree bc like...being possessed will change you lmao so while yes I’m obviously sad that he wasn’t himself, I feel like it made sense that he had a slight personality change, because it...wasn’t him anymore. we don’t really see the Newt we all fell in love with in the first movie. we THINK we’re seeing him, but halfway through we find out we’re wrong.

my critiques with that plotline are basically that I wish the reveal had happened a little bit later on, and I wish that it had been a little more obvious I guess?? like, we definitely get hints of it (when Hermann excitedly asks Newt to help him with a dangerous unorthodox project and Newt says “dude why are you doing something so risky when we’ve already got a good plan in motion? just wait for that to be done, it’s fine” and Hermann IS us, he IS the audience when he reacts, because this is a completely insane thing for Newt to say. Newt, who, in the first movie, was so obsessed with finding knowledge that he went behind the marshall’s back to literally risk his life doing something incredibly dangerous just to see what would happen? being given the opportunity to do the same kind of dangerous frivolous act and refusing? this is blatantly out of character, and Hermann is all of us when he’s shocked, “what, you mean you...won’t help me??” which means it wasn’t bad writing on their part, it was purposefully supposed to stand out as something that was wrong and something that we needed to pay attention to. that was a really good scene to hint that something was Not Right with Newt), and I wish there had been a bunch more like it. I think the reveal should have been saved for the end of the second act; I think that should have been the moment that act 2 of a story usually has, that dreadful event that happens that leaves the main characters feeling completely hopeless and unsure what to do.

I also wish that he had managed to break through more than That One Scene, I think it would’ve been more dramatic if he’d had a few moments where he managed to take control for a second to remind us that he’s still in there and still fighting, and I’m sad they didn’t do that. I saw a fan comic that touched on this idea and I think it’s brilliant, even the idea of him suddenly getting a nosebleed and acting distracted to show that that’s the Real Him trying to fight through would have been sooooooooo good.

I also feel like it didn’t make any sense for Nate to be the one to subdue him in the end, I dont even think those two interact at all so like, why was it him?? it would have been so much more dramatic and heartbreaking if Hermann had been the one to confront him so they could’ve had a little conversation on the roof where Newt could once again break through for a second before getting taken over and then Hermann could like idk have a taser hidden behind him that he uses to subdue him and THAT wouldve been a way sadder and more interesting way to do it. I also think Hermann shouldve been the one to speak to him in the post credits scene, or to have him in the background behind Jake just watching him sadly so we can get a couple shots of intense eye contact like UGH I just wish there had been more interaction between the two of them after the reveal happened!! When the movie was over and I realized they never spoke again I felt so upset!!! they're soulmates!! they're literally in love!! this has been CONFIRMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and segueing in from the soulmate thing, another thing that made me sad was that nobody came in pairs anymore :( aside from Newt and Hermann, they were the only ones gjdfk but in the first one every character had another character that they were paired up with, both for drifting reasons and just for plot reasons (except Chau and Tendo but I’m pretty sure there's actually significance to that too), and in the second one it just sort of felt like everyone was drifting with each other with no strong connection needed and that made it feel way less special. granted, the movie takes place ten years after the first one so in that time maybe technology advanced to the point where you didn't need a strong neural connection to drift anymore, but for the sake of the story it would have been way better if they'd kept the whole soulmates concept from the first one, it made it way stronger and more special

so yeah in conclusion I did think pru was enjoyable and I probably would watch it again some time but also it definitely pales in comparison to the first one and I’m desperately hoping we get one more so they can tie everything together and FIX THINGS KFGH it’s not too late!!!!! I wish I could write Pacific Rim 3 I genuinely think I would do a good job I love storytelling and I’m very passionate about these characters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ramblings #Anonymous #ask #this is really long but please interact I've been dying to talk about this for weeks now

[disasterbialert]

So, I finished The Untamed and ok ok I think I have collected most of my thoughts about it. (I’m late, so I guess these thoughts don’t really matter, but I wanted to put them somewhere and here seemed like the place.) SO here’s a post absolutely NO ONE WANTS and imma do it anyway cool cool.

Firstly: love. This entire show is about love. Obviously other things too ok I’m simplifying for the sake of my point. But importantly it is about love. The love for our families, found, made and blood. The love of soulmates, romantic and platonic. The love of humanity, of the people known and unknown, love for them purely because they are human and are therefore deserving of love. The love inherent in honour and duty, the sacrifices made for that love. Loving someone—bravely, in the face of every adversity, despite being told it’s wrong. Learning to be true to that love, learning to love faithfully, learning to love, to show love, to be loved.

Bless the tireless translators. Y’all. The work you do is often thankless but y’all are so valued. Thank you.

The music. I actually don’t have the words for this, I can only thank the composers and musicians for the gifts they have blessed us with. My heart my heart my heart.

The costumes, set, props and cinematography are all so exquisite. I’m not an expert in any of these fields but I can see the care and detail paid to each facet of this show. What an absolute visual joy. Stunning.

And now, the characters.

I’ll start with the ladies. They deserved so much more. We deserved to have more than just one by the end, but I understand this wasn’t their story (still hurts tho).

Jiang Yanli. Proof that kindness is powerful. Her heart holds entire worlds. She is not weak (don’t even try me I swear to the gods). She holds her family together. She takes care of her siblings. She feeds their bodies and their souls. WWX is right—JZX does not deserve her but that’s because nobody does. But Jiang Yanli deserves to be happy, therefore her marriage to the Flower Peacock is valid purely bc it makes her happy. She stands up for what’s right, she will not compromise her morals, she will defend her family to her last breath (and so she does💔). She does not harden herself, she does not have to. Her patience and kindness, her softness, her gentleness—things that are seen as weaknesses or inferiorities—are what put her above all around her. She is gracious, she is strong, she is loving, she is determined, she is brave. She deserved better.

Wen Qing. A queen. A powerhouse. The most brilliant mind. A lightning-quick and sharp-bladed tongue. She loves Wen Ning so much and her love is powerful, just as Jiang Yanli’s. Her dedication and devotion to her people, her true family, not just a name, is incredible, inspiring. Why? Because she’s not perfect. So she learns. She grows. She becomes herself. When she’s at the Burial Mounds, she essentially adopts WWX as another younger brother, caring for him because she knows he won’t care for himself, and she does so out of love and respect. But she never replaces Jiang Yanli. She is keenly aware of all she perceives WWX loses because he aids them. Hence the pivotal, crucial: I’m sorry and thank you. She walks to what she knows is her own death with her head held high and her hand in her brother’s, offering love and support and what protection she can to the end. She does not flinch. She does not bow. She fights with all of her and surrenders with grace not reflected by those she surrenders to. Honestly I could write an entire thesis on Wen Qing but I’ll cry too hard so I’ll just leave it here that she deserved better, she deserved to live, she deserved to be free.

Mian Mian. Mian motherfucking Mian. Here is a woman who stares injustice full in the face and says no fucking way, says over my dead body, says you and what army old man. Strips the robes of the hypocritical off her own damn body, throws them at the feet of a false god and walks out, back straight, head held high. She makes her own way in the world, carves out her own life, finds love and happiness and lives. She does not compromise. She does not bow. She fights and she wins and she is glorious. And she lives she lives she lives.

Yu ZiYuan. I may be in the minority here but that’s ok. No I don’t approve of her abuse, just gonna nip that one in the bud right out of the gate. Was she fair? No. Was she cruel? Yes. Was she an incredible fighter who fought for her family, for her home? Who showed raw courage and furious strength in the face of insurmountable odds? Who loved a man with her whole bitter heart, loved her children with that same fractured heart? Was clearly the subject of spiteful rumour and vicious gossip and did not let it defeat her? Refused to bow to anyone? I do not like her, do not like how her bitterness made her cruel. But seeing her wield her blade, take wound after wound, witness the death of her love, then take her own blade and rob the monsters invading her home of the satisfaction of taking her life, took her own life with her own hands because that’s how she did everything in her life so why the fuck wouldn’t she do it in death too, who crawled her way to the man she loved, laced their fingers together so he wouldn’t die alone, so they could both die held? How can I not respect her.

Ok. The lads.

Jiang Cheng is a man-child idiot with the emotional expression range of a loquat, an inferiority complex the size of the moon and self-worth issues going back farther than the Big Bang, and I love him, ok? He loves so hard and so much and it is heartwrenching that he cannot communicate that. Some of his best moments are actually in the background, which is both funny and terribly sad. His rage is at times ridiculous, at times frustrating, at times all he has left, his joy is bright but brief, his grief is devastating. Watching JY greet WWX after the 3 months in the Burial Mounds. The entire temple scene. Crying on his knees. We were to be the Heroes of Yunmeng. Take care. Fuck me right in my feelings ok.

Wen Ning is so fucking precious and I would die for him for all eternity. What an absolute gift his character is. I honestly can’t write much more about him because I’ll cry. But special mentions to his interactions with A-Yuan/Lan SiZhui and the incredible scene where he reveals to Jiang Cheng the truth about his/WWX’s golden core. Unparalleled emotional intensity. The equal parts tenderness and fierceness of his love is breathtaking.

And the loves.

Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen. There is a lot of tragedy in The Untamed. There is great sadness in the main plot line and even in the small side plots. The Ballad of Song Lan and Xian Xingchen (as it’s come to be known in my head) is for me the most devastating and poignant. They just wanted to do good, to wander the world together and do their part to make it a better and safer place. It’s noble, yes, but it’s also so human, so close to home. Because we all want that, to know that we can do some good before we leave this world. They do not want to be involved in the petty squabbles, the undignified and cruel vying for power and dominance. They simply want to live and be. The fact that both of their deaths are pointless, could have been avoided, are the faults of poor timing and terrible terrible luck and cruel turns fate is almost what makes it sadder. Xue Yang screams that XXC is not better than him, that his righteousness and the righteous way he has attempted to live his life is all for naught. And then he is immediately proven wrong—XXC’s heartbreak means he can’t become XY’s puppet. SL is free from XY’s control and avenges himself and XXC. Which is also somehow just as devastating. That XXC and SL were so close, so very close to being together, to living, to making it, but didn’t. Nothing grand or heroic about their deaths—just the unknown and unpredictable nature of life. There is no rhyme or reason, no big important plan, no fate or destiny. They both simply die as we all one day will. And it is their potential cut short, the love and life they could’ve had, that hurts the most. They are not Lan Zhan and Wei Ying: they do not get their second chance, their reunion, their happily ever after. The look shared between SL and LWJ—the shared grief, the recognition, the understanding—and LWJ’s brief and unelaborated-on comment to WWX ‘how fortunate’ speaks volumes. How fortunate you came back/I found you/that’s not us when it could’ve been. That final shot of SL walking away and the brief out-of-focus moment of XXC walking beside him—particularly when it’s echoed with the parallel of WWX and LWJ—chokes me every time.

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Soulmates in every sense of the word. Their song. Their bunnies. Their child. The years they were robbed of. The yearning. The pining. The loyalty. The growth. The love the love the love. The loss the loss the loss. Every Lan Zhan. Every Wei Ying. Every glance. Every soft breath. Every gentle touch. The tenderness. The intimacy. The quiet acceptance. Their love story is one of the ages and, on a personal note as a queer person, what a gift it is to see a queer love story like this. (even when censored as a bromance, which like I mean, they tried but the glances alone are +9000 gay pining but whatever and yes I am making a joke because I’m crying don’t look at me)

TL;DR: I am so thankful The Untamed/CQL/MDZS and all of its adaptations (the source material included obvs) exists. I am so thankful to the writers, translators, casts, crews, creators. I am thankful for the community of fans that exist that love it as I do, who share that love and passion—whether through passionate discussion, rich fanfic or mind-blowing fanart. I am thankful I live in a time where content like this exists and can be shared. I learned a whole lot and I’m so grateful there aren’t even words. Love y’all. I’m gonna go be soft now. 💙

#Bee gets real soft #Bee gets a little bit too deep into feelings #this is...long #long post #im so sorry #i just have... a lot of feelings #the untamed #CQL #MDZS #wangxian #lwj x wwx #this is a lot #im SOFT #DONT LOOK #yall can go ahead and ignore this whew #excuse me i need to go be soft #Bee maybe waxes poetic??? #bee watches the untamed #and cries #a lot #song lan x xiao xingchen #jiang yanli #wen qing #mian mian #jiang cheng #wen ning #yu ziyuan #tagged: and they were soulmates

[lesbian-fabray]

here’s an appreciation post for some of my favorite fictional queer women

santana lopez (lesbian), quinn fabray (lesbian), and brittany pierce (bisexual) from glee: i know that quinn isn’t canonically a lesbian, but i could write a book on why she is in fact solely attracted to women, so we’re going to work with that assumption. so, here’s why these three are important to me as queer character: santana spends the first two and a half seasons coming to terms with her sexuality and i love the fact that by the end of this internal struggle she loves herself and has just come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t need the approval of others; quinn’s story is much sadder in the sense that she spends the whole series DEEP in the closet and, especially in the first season, deals with a lot of internalized homophobia. she never really accepts the fact she’s gay despite the fact that she’s never really been romantically interested in men. she’s so concerned with reputation that she’s afraid to be herself; brittany has always been bisexual, though it was hypersexualized and played for laughs at the beginning. she is one of the most positive people on the show and is there for santana throughout all her struggles with her identity because she knows it isn’t easy for everyone

faith lehane (bisexual) from buffy the vampire slayer: faith, again, is not canonically bi, but is pretty obviously queer coded. i love her character in terms of her being queer because, while she seems comfortable with her sexuality, she is desperate for the approval of her friends who immediately see her as sleazy and slutty and evil because she doesn’t really seem to fit into the realm of heterosexuality

willow rosenberg (bisexual) from buffy the vampire slayer: willow identifies as a lesbian in the canon of the show, but is definitely still attracted to men and even joss whedon has said if he remade the show willow would be bi, so that’s what we’re going with. not only was willow a main character in a show in the 90s/00s that was queer, but it was never a big deal. she is kind, powerful, and intelligent and is in no way simply “the gay character”

robin buckley (lesbian) from stranger things: i love the fact that the show had the balls to straight-bait it’s audience with this character. she is a badass and one of the smartest characters on the show. her friendship with steve and her coming out scene were handled so incredibly well by the writers of the show.

casey gardner (bisexual) and izzie (lesbian) from atypical: for this one i’m just working off of what i presume their sexualities to be based off dialogue from the show. for casey, i love the fact that she breaks stereotypes in the sense that she is less feminine than a lot of female characters but is not a lesbian, because this shows that expression and sexuality don’t coincide. i also like that she is not shocked by the fact she has fallen in love with a girl, but more that she fell in love with her best friend while she still had a boyfriend. similar to santana, i like how izzie shows what a fear of the consequences of your identity can lead you to do.

#glee #unholy trinity glee #santana lopez #quinn fabray #brittany pierce #buffy the vampire slayer #faith lehane #willow rosenberg #btvs #stranger things #robin buckley #atypical #casey gardner #izzie atypical

[totally-incorrect-theatre-quotes]

Beetlejuice 12/18/2019

This will be long but this is a compilation of everything that stuck out to me about the show! Spoilers Obviously 

Who was in the cast:

Sophia Anne Caruso- Lydia

Alex Brightman- Beetlejuice

Kerry Butler- Barbara

Leslie Kritzer- Delia

Adam Dannheisser - Charles

David Josefsberg - Adam 

Act I:

The theater was GORGEOUS, the stage was beautiful, the music before the show was so good. The crowd was so excited, the ushers were so nice. It was just a wonderful experience before the show even started

Invisible started and I almost cried. Sophia is such an amazing singer, and hearing her sing live? She has so much power in her voice it gave me chills

I also liked looking through the ensemble and recognizing the cast members

The costumes were so stunning

The minute Beetlejuice arrived on stage everyone started clapping for a solid minute and he just waited there with a big grin on his face

OH MY GOD HIS SINGING was amazing

The sandworm was HUGE like I knew it would be big but it was literally huge

I was surprised that a lot of Beetlejuice’s jokes fell flat, they were hilarious

He said something along the lines of “I feel so out of place...like a gay republican”

I died

The MAITLANDS seeing them for the first time was so good!!! David plays an amazing Adam. Adam needs ot be protected at all costs, he is such a good husband

Barbara would do this low and growly voice during “Not Yet” and it was so funny. 

Beetlejuice just hanging around them before they died was very funny. He would have one liners that were just hilarious

When the Maitlands fell through the fucking floor boards, I knew it was gonna happen but like it still shocked me

THE SAD PUPPET SHOW

Literally five minutes after he found out there was a kid in the audience Barbara says “You give me the creeps” and he goes “Well you give me a boner!”

The whole being dead thing reprise was SO GOOD. It was so amazing to watch live

Charles is so much more RAUNCHY than I expected, very sex oriented lol but so blunt about it

LYDIA 

Can I just say that Sophia Anne Caruso plays teenage angst SO WELL. Like I 100% felt the sadness Lydia was feeling, it was so palpable

Just once more what the fuck did Lydia think was happening??? How dare she be surprised that they were moving. Like I love her but come on...

There’s a point during the scene where Lydia straight up gets this evil look on her face, starts giggling and goes up to Delia all innocently, trying to make it seem like this is hard for her to do and she’s breaking through. She does the whole “knock know” and when Delia said you don’t open the doors Lydia straight up started crying and said “I guess you’ll never know”

Dead Mom made me sob, Sophia has so much power when she is singing. There were points where Lydia would be near tears and it was so sad but so incredible. 

Fright of their lives was very funny. BUT THEY CHANGED THE KATHRINE HEPBURN joke. 

Adam is such a supportive husband

I also loved: “What are things that make you scared” and Adam goes “THE ELECTROAL COLLEGE! WHY DOES OHIO HAVE SO MUCH POWER” and Barbara deadass goes “Can I change my answer”

“WEll that was a soliloquy so you’re the rude one”

LETS HAUNT THIS BITCH

“No Reason” was also very funny, Delia tries so hard. This woman dabbed, did Fortnight dances, and just is a ray of sunshine. It’s just not what Lydia needs. Lydia was so savage during that song she took zero shits

Delia looked so upset when Lydia said “and good people die” It was very obvious she knew Lydia was talking about her mom, she went over to hug her but Lydia went under her arm

LYDIA MEETING THE MAITLANDS so adorable

Lydia telling the story about her mom. She looked so happy to have someone to talk to about it. 

“Every year me and my mom would build these haunted houses but it was during the summer so nobody was expecting it. One time she dressed up as the ghost of edgar allen poe! I thought she was so scary, but nobody knew who she was...because people don’t read.”

Also Adam is adorable, his dad joke made the whole audience groan

Lydia just needs to affection. She was like “I don’t have many friends...it’s nice to know I have you guys in the attic.”

Delia: “That was the most impressive rogering you’ve ever given me” Charles: “I’m very good at sex”

ICONIC

Charles proposing and Delia being so happy, so cute. But then Lydia runs in and Delia has to hide

LYDIA IS SO DRAMATIC. I’m talking she's fake fainting about the scary ghosts, collapsing to the floor. A+ performace, it was so funny

WHEN LYDIA FIND DELIA heart breaking. She was crying I just wanted someone to hug her. The Maitlands looked so concerned, Charles didn’t make any attempts to comfort her which kinda made me pissed at him because he was being very selfish. Also when Lydia cried, “I wish I was dead.” he didn’t even bother to follower her. Do better Charles

Beetle juice's multiple limbs very funny gag

Also he started scatting

Poor Lydia :(

Lydia started like having a mental break down when BJ started singing “I’m gonna have a new best friend!” like someone please give this girl a break. She so smol

Beetlejuice stopping her from killing herself 

“Say my name” was SO INCREDIBLE

the line “and kill him” was said so quietly that he was like trying to have Lydia not hear him

FAKE CARTWHEEL

Any time Lydia said Beetlejuice a light would shine on BJ but then go out when she would go beeeeeee- “cuz/” “being” “be a doll”

Nice lighting touch

The lighting, in general, was amazing

Lydia was so intrested in the possesion of Adam and Barbara it was so cool to see the little glimmer of a plan forming in her head

SHE PUSHED BJ off the roof and when she goes “what he was already dead” the Maitlands just kinda shrug like “she right” 

Charles and Delia trying to High-five but missing? Cute ass couple, they are actually really cute together

Maxie Dean is a creep and has ZERO RIGHTS

Lydia’s yellow dress and how excited Delia was and how relieved Charles was

Day-O was fantastic Lydia looked so happy but then it started failing and instantly she got very angry but a sad kind of angry. She had such a look of hesitation on her face when she summoned BJ but she went through with it when she looked over at her dad and he was giving Delia a kiss.

You could see in her eyes that Lydia almost instantly regretted it when she saw just how chaotic he was being, but she just kept going because she thought she had no other alternative. 

Charles reaching out for Lydia before he got pushed out of the house and Lydia looking at him as if she just wanted him to come and get her? HEART BREAKING

“It’s our house now kid!”

Intermission:

I got a cool cup and bought some merch. Very cool

Act II:

When Skye came on stage someone behind me said “Who is she??” like bitch just WATCH

Dana was amazing as Skye, Skye deserves the world she is so pure

LYDIA so chaotic as Skye definitely has a bby crush on Lydia

“Boo. Hope I didn’t scare you!”- Skye

Then Lydia scares her, Skye starts hyperventilating and Lydia goes “you’re fun!” and Skye says “I like you too!”

Poor Skye :(

Poor everyone in “That Beautiful sound”

Lydia SMILING. Any time she smiled it felt like a blessing. She seemed so happy

The clones do acrobatics in the aisles I did not expect that, it was so intense

NPR where tote bags come from

“And a book you’re never going to read” “the hand book for the recently decease?” “yep but you’re not recently deceased so...do you wanna see a sad puppet show??”

Beetlejuice looking so betrayed when Lydia left....

Lydia upstairs with the Maitlands. Omg Lydia looked so cute when she was holding the book and just kinda swaying in her spot when she was talking about it

“and we? We are old book smell people”

Lydia loving the smell of old books? Cute, adorable, 10/10

Adam being a dad

ADAM BOOPING her nose with the chalk. I would DIE for them

Lydia yelling at the maitlands when they won’t help her find her mom. WOW she had so much anger behind her voice but it was so sad because you can tell she was trying not to cry

Barbara 2.0 was amazing

Lydia walking across the stage trying to open the book :(

Charles and Delia coming back for Lydia and both of them flirting with each other...like bruh you’ve come to rescue your daughter please help her....

Beetlejuice tricking Lydia :(

Delia falling off the couch and just seeing her crawl off stage to do her Ms. Argentina quick change. ICONIC

Lydia accidentally exorcising Barbara was SO MUCH SADDER THAN I HAD EXPECTED like Lydia was having a mental breakdown she was os upset and lost and confused

When Beetlejuice showed up her face went so pale and she looked so scared.

“Well you wanted your mommy so this is what you get!” I CRIED that was so uncalled for

When the whole family was trapped Lydia really looked like a scared little kid because she is...like you forget how young Lydia is but there are several moments in the show where you are reminded that she is a scared, and lonely little girl who misses her mom

Charles trying to reach out to her but being chained to a wall, heart breaking. This scene made me so sad in general

Lydia agreeing to Marry him but her voice cracking and sounding so scared :(

THE HUG SHE GIVES BARBARA before she runs off

Charles pushing Adam and Barbara down so he could follow her

The whole Netherworld scene was so good

Poor Lydia was being pushed around, and pulled, and dragged, she looked so scared. Like she would try to run away from people but they would just grab her and pull her back. She looked like she was hyperventilating and just needed a hug but any time Charles got close to her 

Lydia calling for her mom in the Netherworld and crying

HOME WAS CHILLING

Charles and Lydia making uP sobbing, I legit sobbed 

OTHO’s real name being Kevin...very funny 

Delia had NO MERCY when she found out his name was Kevin

Adam’s name plack being “Sexy”

BJ fliritng with Adam in general was pretty funny

When BJ didn’t buy the wedding thing and went to go kill Charles Lydia did no freaking hesitate and went to go grab the art peice to kill him with

ADAM FOR THE WIN

Creepy Old guy was very funny

When BJ came back to life and everything was shaking on stage Sophia straight up yeeted her hat off stage, I laughed so loud even though nothing else funny was happening on stage

Lydia looked so mortified when she killed BJ

Juno coming back for Lydia and Lydia actaully looking scared, but then the threat paused and Juno tricked BJ with love, and then went right back to Lydia. The whole family trying to protect her...veyr soft

BJ AND THE SAND WORM

Bj giving Lydia the cowboy hat

Jump in the line made me CRY 

Lydia flying :D

End of Show

Instant standing ovation 

I got to stage door and got autographs from Presley, Dana, Kerry, and David

#beetlegeuse #beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice #beetlejuice spoilers

[bluescarletdiamond]

TharnType the Series: Ep. 6 Review

THARNTYPE LETS GOOOOOOOO. I’m super excited they have AMAZING chemstry

Section 1

Y'all it hasn’t begun but this girl better not ruin shit !!!!

it STARTED AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO TYPE IS: THE GAY IS HERE TO STAY BABY

“Thinking of you” D I S G U S T I N G

Type better not ask Tharn to have sex while he’s being a little hoe ESPECIALLY since he knows of Tharn’s feelings and already told him they are casual lovers not just sex friends so just know imma throw hands

I also love my eggs sunny side up, Tharn love me instead pls

THARNS SMILE MAKES MY HEART GO UWU 

Tharn staring at Type texting that girl has me not uwu tho

Random side not: I’m a graphic designer and I love the posters on their wall

“You sent this handsome angel to save me” Your gay jumped out son lmao jk but I live for this broship

I’m also a musician and Tharn’s hold on those sticks aren’t that bad lol

Also imagine if Techno ended up falling for Tharn LMAO

MY HEART THARN IM SO SORRY MY LOVE UGH THEY WAY HE DROPPED HIS STICKS :((((((((

Section 2

Miss me with that straight shit Type

Type just got back to the dorm and I know Tharn about to beat his ass (metaphorically lol)

Okay y'all serious shit: I know they aren’t dating but Type KNOWS of Tharn’s feelings, and he, HIMSELF called them casual lovers which of course is not the same as dating but he could have at least told Tharn since they never stated no strings attached and when you say “casual lovers” with no established boundaries, you gotta still consider the other person’s feelings smh

Also Type did not have to PUNCH my mans, a simple slap would’ve been fine lol but Tharn shouldn’t have said that especially after Type told him he didn’t like that

Oh Type my boy…

On the other hand, Tharn needs to respect the fact that Type says he’s not interested… like I understand chasing after the one you love but obvious this man has internal turmoil that he has to accept and smooth out before he can try anything

Also Tharn crying got me crying no joke

Klui and Seo are such an interesting dynamic to this show lmao idk how I feel about them 

Also how can Type just go and sleep like that lol

I LOVE THARN’S BFF HE’S SO CUTE AND I LOVE HIM WITH MY WHOLE HEART I just want his happiness

TYPE IS A DICK FOR SEND THAT LIST BUT AT LEAST BOUNDARIES ARE TRYING TO BE ESTABLISHED

I feel like Techno low-key knows about them 

You can tell Type doesn't want to stop liking him lol

Section 3

The lighting of the room is beautiful

oop, Tharn’s not there when Type arrived cue lonely and needy feelings

OHFSODFJS. NEVER MIND HE WAS JUST IN THE BATHROOM LMAOOOO

that was embarrassing lol

OOP Tharn really said that shit ( basically they are just fuck friends, no strings attached and they can just fuck when the other feels the need to)

I’m not happy about it but whatever the story has to progress 

Type being pissed and thinking too hard while on his date with Pufai got my rolling on the floor 

“Where you thinking of other girls” nah m8 he was thinking of a boyyyyyy

BRUH Type crossing his fingers while telling a lie has me DED

Pufai got balls I wish I had no cap

a pinky promise ooooffffff we already know he will break that shit

OOP sex scene lolololol it’s so awkward (because of what’s going on lol) I CANNOT

Holy shit I forgot about Tharn’s performance :(((((((((((((((((((((((( I’m sad now 

first, you can tell type is stressed and also disappointed he can’t make it which makes it sadder

and it’s even sadder that he struggled to say that he was going to ask Pufai to be his girlfriend

THARN’S SUPPORT GOT ME CRYING BECAUSE HOW CAN MY MANS DO THAT TO HIMSELF AND LIKE I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW HARD HE STRUGGLED TO GIVE HIM SUPPORT AND NOW TYPE IS MAD CONFUSED 

these bitches got to stop playin with my emotions

MY BOY IS CRYING OSDFNISLDLUDFISODFSODU IM MAD IM THROWING HANDS SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK OR ELSE IM GONNA MAKE SURE TYPE DOESN’T SHOW UP INTHE NEXT EP

we love supportive friends :)

“tall, dark, handsome” idk about the “dark” part lol but everything else is trueeeee

unrelated but that wrapping paper and bow work is ASTONISHING (I love wrapping gifts lol)

ooof straight kiss - ight imma head out 

lol never mind they didn’t kiss whew

YALL HE THOUGHT OF THARN WHILE ON HIS DATE IMMMM?????

Plus he didn't look disgusted that he thought of him uwuwuwuw

OHP they better not try shit or I really will throw hands and kachow Type’s ass of to another planet

“it might be a choice when you move off campus” bITCH GET OUTTA HERE NO ONE ASKED

she’s really trying to catch these hands

Section 4

Tharn has gorgeous hair and if Type doesn't wanna run his hands through those beautiful strands then I WILL

?? someone walked in 

WOAH OWAH AOFHSDFO SDOFISDJFSODF. WHAT 

He’s hugging Tharn from the back Im allllsdjf aosdjfaos

and he’s apologizing holy crap im

what HAPPEND FS:IOFH

OH SHIT HE SLEPT WITH HER

and he’s sorry about it??? 

He SAID IT PAINS HIM TO THINKT THST THARN WOULD SLEEP WITH SOMEONE elsSJDf

But he slept with Pufai…

OISJFOISDJF OH SHIT HE SAID TAT WHILE SLEEPING WITH HER HE JUST KEPT THINKING OF THARM IM SALFJODSJFS UWUWUWUWU TO THE MAX

YALL IMMMMM CRRYYYYINGNNG

awww my boy Type didn’t actually sleep with her because he couldn’t do it with a woman

Tharn is struggling to believe it fadskjrvfewnio

TYPE JUST SAID HE ONLY WANTS TO BE WITH THARN IM OVVVVEEER THE MOOOONNNNNNN

“FORGIVE ME ONE MORE TIME” MY HEART IS COMBUSTING

Type is crying :(((((((((((((((((

but they’re hugging and it’s so cute and obvious than is forgiving

Type is struggling so hard to accept himself for his past and applaud him so much 

“I’ve always been yours” Iisdiofhis urdbfgdshfighsdfliughHOSHD

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEY ARE KISSSINGGGGGG AND ITS BEAUTIFUL

Highkey EVERY THAI BL has to learn from them because they have sooooo much chemistry and are in the best kissers I’ve seen

TYPE TOLD PUFAI THAT HE’S ALREADY SEEING SOMEONE

BRUH SHE SLAPPED HIM good for her??? idk man

“I told her I’m dating someone” y’all remember when I said Type was gonna catch these hands? Yeah I meant because I’m gonna hug the living shit of him 🥰🥰

“I feel like I’m having sex with a man because I’m desperate” y’all remember when I said I wanted to hug him yeah no I meant STRANGLE HIS ASS

“I was gonna break it off with you” YALL SEE MY BOY TYPE’s FACE :((((

Also Tharn rubbing/playing with Type’s ear/hair is what’s KEEPING ME GOING RN

“But because I was afraid you were going to break it off with me first” IM CRYING DURING CLASS YALL

“I want to hear you scream without holding back” BIEJAJDBSKKS IM SCREECHING RN 😳😳😳

“Then let me have my way with you all night” “suit yourself” WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS I CANT HOLY SHIT

Wow they really cut it off without showing us shit 😡

Bruh type still being unsure is so realistic because even tho he admitted his feelings it doesn’t mean he’s gonna be all content now but it was at least relieving for him I bet to be able to express his bottled up feelings

“I remember that ... we are together” 🥳🥳🥰🥰🥰

TYPE OPENING HIMSELF UP TO BE MORE TOUCHY AND PLAYING WITH THARNS HAIR GOT ME SCREAMING

OH WORd h

HeS REACHING

Shit aHE KISSED HIM OMFG THAT WAS THE CUTEST SHIT

That such a weird angle to kiss at tho lmaoooo

Ugh that was so cute imma go and cry

Type still not being able to complete accept his feelings is so realistic I love it

Okay I don’t understand this next couple like at all?? Like their point in the story ? What they contribute to the plot? If someone can let me know that would be litty titty

TAJA THEY ARE SLEEPING ON THE SAME BED IM

I can already tell that Types dad is a poopoo head 😤

HES ASKING HIS DAD TO LET HIM MOVE OUT SO HE CAN BE WITH THARN IM

THARNS SMUG ASSBI CANT

“I just make sure you can’t refuse me” HOLY M-

Type’s smile is the cutest thing I’m-

The preview

YALL IDK WHAT HAPPENED BUT THE END WHERE TYPE IS DRESSED WITH THE OVER SIZED SHIRT AND HE IS FINALLY HAPPILY GOING WITH THARN’S MOVES GOT ME 🥵🥰🥰

#tharntype the series: review #tharntype #tharntype the series #bluescarletdiamond reviews

[f-da-program]

Contains IT Chapter 2 Spoilers

So I just got to see Chapter 2 and I have a lot of thoughts that I need to get out, good and bad.

Con 1: Bill’s entire story line: I didn’t really care for Bill’s story line at all. Pretty much the first moment we have with him is him and Audra having a tiff. Unlike the book, you don’t get the sense that they have a strong relationship. The line he gave about being the girl he wants her to be comes to mind. And I kind of figured they were using that to say he wanted her to be more like Beverly, but we don’t even really get that. I’m not a huge Bill/Bev shipper so I’m not super bummed about it, but we never really get anything with that. Bev kisses Bill once and then we never really get anything from Bill’s side again. And it’s just strange because they seemed to hint that was going to be a thing, but it never was. In fact Bill never brings anything up to Bev and she and Ben ride off together into the sunrise. Perfectly fine, but awkward. It would have made more sense to have Bill’s relationship with Audra just seem like a happy one and have Bill push her away (fuck book canon there, there isn’t time to get into the ‘we’re just doing it because we’re going back to childhood’ and if you don’t have time for that or to explore Bills feelings for Bev more, then we don’t have time for Bill to cheat on his wife).

I’m also not into the idea that Bill wasn’t sick the day Georgie died. It’s unneeded. He doesn’t need that to feel guilty. Honestly, why do they have to push the guilt that hard anyway? Can’t he just be sad and angry his little brother was murdered? Why do we need a new guilt arc that was never brought up in the first movie or in the book?

Also, was the scene with the little kid in the fun house necessary? We get it, Bill feels guilty he didn’t save Georgie. And now he can’t save this kid. Oh no. Like, I didn’t need another scene to reinforce that Bill is guilty. It was already apparent. All this did was waste screen time that could have been used for more important scenes.

Pro 1: Ben is amazing I love Ben. He was totally the mom friend in this movie and I was digging it. Him checking in on everyone was nice. I feel like he got a good amount of screen time and his scenes were justified in being included in this packed movie. I’m so glad we got Ben the architect!  

Pro 2: The Clubhouse I didn’t think we’d ever see the clubhouse or the Barrens outside of the Quarry. It’s a little shoehorned in, but I love that location so I’m going to call it a pro. Although, can we talk about how the book 5x5 clubhouse got a major upgrade? Like, holy shit, that place was huge!

Pro 3: Ben kept the yearbook page Look, I’m a sucker for the idea that Ben kept the yearbook page with Bev’s name. For one, how fucking cute is it that it’s been 27 years and he has no fucking idea who Beverly Marsh is, but he still keeps it?

But, it’s also a double edged sword. Because how lonely must he be that he keeps that? Like, he keeps this reminder that there was a time that someone would write hearts by their name in relation to him. That’s so indicative of Ben’s character. It shows how even as a successful man, he still feels all alone. Very nice.

Con 2: Dirt doesn’t equal germs I wish I could scream this from a rooftop. This pissed me off last movie and it pissed me off this movie. So let me say it again:

DIRT DOESN’T EQUAL GERMS.

The movies have not done enough to separate Eddie’s fears from Stan’s. Stan doesn’t like things that are unclean. Eddie doesn’t like things that can make you sick. Those are two different things. Eddie can reach for a ball on the dirty ground. Because cobwebs and dirt don’t cause diseases.

Con 3: Everyone is mad at Mike Seriously? The losers come back to Derry because they all made a promise, and they’re mad at Mike? Like, y’all made the promise. What was Mike supposed to say on the phone, ‘Hey, the killer clown we fought as kids is back, are you still in to come back and kill it?’ It just doesn’t make sense to have them all pissed at him.

Pro 4: The Ritual of Chud I never would have thought they would include that. It seemed too complex and out there (outing Pennywise as a million of years old cosmic being, that’s a whole different level). But they did! And I liked the idea that Mike found that out in his research. Sucks he shared it with Bill and not Richie, but I wasn’t made about it. It was a cool way to include it and give Mike some more screen time.

Con 4: Mike lied to everyone Wait, what? I don’t understand why anyone thought this was necessary. Mike said he needed everyone to believe they could kill It. Okay, that checks out. But they literally already know they can hurt It. They did it in the last movie by believing they could. So why do they suddenly need a fake ritual to do it? I like the idea of Mike getting the vision of Pennywise’s origin but I wish it had stopped there. The losers didn’t need that to know they could take It down.

Like, Mike needed more screen time, but not like that.

Pro 5: Richie loves Eddie If you didn’t think this would be on the list, you don’t know me. I think it’s awesome that they went this direction. I’ve always thought there was enough evidence to argue that Richie was bi and had a thing for Eddie. Getting to see that on the screen was great. And I loved the use of the Paul Bunyan statue. Because first movie they’re sitting by that statue when they ask Richie what he’s afraid of. Whether he’s really afraid of clowns or not, we now know he’s also afraid of people knowing he’s gay. When Pennywise attacks him there later, it’s relevant because that’s where he lied to the losers.

Eddie’s death and onward is handled really well. Richie having to be dragged out of the sewers and crying in the Quarry is so sad. But him re-carving over their initials is beautiful. He’s finally able to be okay loving Eddie. And even though Eddie’s gone, that’s still a powerful thing.

But...

Con 5: Eddie’s feelings weren’t clear Look, I read the book, Eddie’s gay. Like, if you argued that in the book Richie was straight, you would have had a leg to stand on. But with Eddie, you really wouldn’t. He was so clearly intended to be a gay character (Stephen, just say it next time).

But here we have a movie that doesn’t spend any time on confirming that, let alone confirming that he shared Richie’s feelings. Like, come on! It would have been so easy to show!

Here’s how I would have done it. First, scrap all the freezing bullshit (that’s the next con, don’t worry) and have them talk when they’re about to go down the hole to face Pennywise. Richie: Are you ready for this? Eddie: No, I’m scared shitless. But I keep trying to remind myself that I have nothing to lose. Richie: What the fuck does that mean? Eddie: I hate my life. I hate my wife. I might as well have married my mother. I don’t like my job. I wanted to do something with cars. And remembering all of this shit has just made it more obvious that I don’t to be who I was. I don’t want to go back to that. Richie: No one says you have to. Eddie: Where else would I go? Richie: I have a spare bedroom. Eddie: Like you could put up with me full time. Richie: I always did. Eddie (realizing Richie means it): ...I’ll think about it. And then the sewer fight happens, Eddie saves Richie because why the fuck wouldn’t he. And their last conversation goes like this: Eddie: Rich, *grabs Richies arm* I thought about it. Richie: About what? Leaving with me? Eddie: I want to. I’ve always- Pennywise starts attacking so he doesn’t finish.

And that shows that the feelings aren’t one sided and adds some angst for when Richie comes back over and he’s dead (or he could just not leave his side, whichever).

Con 6: Eddie freezes There’s no shame in freezing in terrifying situations. It’s natural. Fight, flight, freeze. Those are the options when scared.

But Eddie has literally never frozen in the past. Eddie never froze in the first movie. He didn’t freeze when Bowers attacked him. But you want me to believe that suddenly at the last leg of the movie he’s going to start? And for what? So it’d be dramatic when he stepped in the save Richie? That’s just who Eddie is. He’s always moving and acting and talking. It just made no sense to suddenly introduce this flaw that has arguably no pay off. Cut it and use the time for something important.

Con 7: Stan’s fears are never clearly explored It’s so easy to write Stan off as just being weak and scared. Even with the letter, it’s so easy. Because the 1st movie took away the scenes where he was brave (being the one to make them promise and being the one to say they needed to clean Bev’s bathroom).

But Stan’s issue isn’t just being scared, it’s being unable to accept things that aren’t logical. Pennywise existing offends him as a child. As an adult it very likely would have made him lose his mind. And this movie did better at touching that, but didn’t quite get there. They accept that he’s the most scared, but they don’t get down to why.

Pro 6: The losers grieve for Stan I don’t think the book even does as good a job at this. Stan was their friend. Part of the lucky 7 that made them powerful. Him being dead should feel like part of them is ripped out. They aren’t whole anymore. Having a scene where they mourned him was so important and I’m so glad they included it.

Pro 7: The ending This one is controversial, but I liked the ending change. It never made sense to me that after purifying Derry they forgot everything. Pennywise and the Turtle are dead, so who’s there to make them forget? In some ways I think remembering might be sadder (Richie gets to accept being gay just in time to watch the guy he loves die), but I think it makes more sense. I also think the losers being able to call each other and be lifelong friends is a good change. I don’t know if I’d call it the happy ending the movie implied that it was (it’s a small change Stephen, don’t pat your back too hard. It’s not like Eddie got to live), but I do think I prefer it.

And Stan’s letter really worked for me despite the flaws (Stan took the time to write this letter and then kill himself? Also, Patty saw this letter, I assume with the losers club’s names and decided to send it out? She wasn’t pissed that Stan killed himself for these people? She didn’t want any answers from them about what the fuck her husband was talking about?). It was needed to give Stan’s character some kind of redemption for how weak they made him out to be.

Pro 8: Eddie stabbed Henry with a knife he pulled out of his face Look, there’s not a lot to say about it, it was just cool. The whole scene was hilarious and Eddie Kaspbrack is a badass.

Pro 9: Pennywise is scary as shit I thought the first movie was a little heavy handed with CGI and didn’t give us enough horror movie makeup. And there was plenty of CGI here, but it felt more balanced with how much we saw of Pennywise. Honestly, Pennywise is so scary on his own, he can carry the movie. Things like the leper just look kind of fake. But Bill Skarsgard delivers.

I think that’s it!

I know there‘s stuff I left out, but I think I got the big ones. I feel bad I didn’t mention Beverly much, but her story line this time around was mostly centered around Ben. Which I could consider a flaw, but given the amount of time in the movie and how much focus she got last movie, I’m not mad about it.

#it spoilers #It Chapter 2 #It 2 #losers club #It #bill denbrough #ben hascom #beverly marsh #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #mike hanlon

[edeneben]

My Coming Out Story

⚠️//TRIGGER WARNINGS: Homophobia, Sexual Assault, rape, depression, self hatred, and suicide//⚠️

If you know me, you know I’m pretty flamboyant and pretty open about how the fact I’m pretty flipping queer. But I haven’t always been very happy being like this, as most other queer people also aren’t and this is basically the story of how I accepted that.

Second grade; the point and time in most people’s lives that is mainly a blur of silly bands, crayons, and story books. For me personally, it was the start of absolute hell.

So I was raised in a pretty religious family. I would end up praying before every meal, before I go to sleep, and at least three times a week at church functions. So really early on I heard a lot of really gross and disgusting things. (Not to say all religious people are bad, it’s just I was raised in a conservative republican town were Friday nights are spent at youth group by most high schoolers) so by the age of seven or eight I heard the words “faggot” and “queers” thrown around a lot and the whole “All homos deserve to burn in Hell and be stoned.” Though, I did’t really understand the concept of being gay, or love in general.

So you could sarcastically say I was off to a great start.

In elementary school we would read these short stories in these obnoxiously massive books, and one of these stories was about a hedgehog or something baking a yellow cake. As a fun activity my teacher Mrs.Blair has us bake a cake in groups of four. We didn’t pick our groups, she just kind of shoved our desks together and said “have fun.”

In my group it was two boys, a girl, and me. The two boys were kind of annoying and I basically ignored them the whole time, but the girl was a different story. I noticed that she had short, messy light brown hair, very pretty greenish eyes, and a very cute smile. I took a liking to her pretty quickly and I started sitting with her at lunch instead of with my friends. I knew I really enjoyed being around her and that I thought she was the actual prettiest person I had ever seen. Though, I didn’t get why.

Then my friends started talking about boys and crushes. I couldn’t relate to anything they were saying before but after I met the girl, I did start to relate. But I related in a different way. Everything they said about the boys they liked were how I thought about her. Wanting to hold her hand and play house with her and crap. (We all know playing house together was the way to flirt back then)

So inevitably I was like, “Oh. Why am I the only one thinking about girls? Am I weird?” And then I kind of understood I was the bad thing they talked about in church all the time. I was the evil horrid thing that didn’t have a place in being there. Which, was a horrible thing to think about.

This was when self hatred really set in. Not only did I deal with that crushing reality, but my teenage brother also started arguing with my parents a lot and hearing the fights really hurt me mentally and I started crying myself to sleep.

I was eight. None of that stuff should have been a problem, though of course it was. *** Then in third grade I started praying a lot more and I joined an after school church club thing ran by my church.

Every time we would meet, Father Michael would ask those of us who haven’t been saved to go to the back of the room and pray with him to get saved. He kind of knew something was up when I went back there every single meeting, but he never asked. Probably for the best in all honesty.

Then I was like, “Yeah okay all of the praying has to be working by now and I’m totally not a homosexual now lmao.” Which, obviously not but I pretended to like guys anyways. (Ey Tyler waddup bud, yeah that was you. Jokes on both of us were both gay now love youuuu)

The day I told everybody I totally definitely liked him was the day before he moved away so I wouldn't have to deal with it. So. Yeah. *** Fourth grade was more of the same, just sadder tbh. Oh and I got another crush on a girl named Kayla I dated twice. Almost three but let’s not get into that. ( @kayla-le-queen ) *** Fifth grade was the first time I ever said I liked girls out loud. Though I kind of lied to myself and said “ha ha I like both.” Which I didn’t, but I had convinced myself that I was slightly ‘normal.’

It’s kind of a weird story as I had just been swimming with my other religious friend in their pool and I was like “oh by the way-“ Which, describes how awkward I am perfectly.

This is also the year I started making internet friends who had the same interests and experiences as me and I was sort of getting my footing with myself. *** Nothing prepared me for the absolute shit storm that was sixth grade.

Not only did I deal with hitting puberty, drama, a new school, and the surfacing of panic attacks, I had to deal with getting outed. Yep. Let’s get into it shall we?

Sixth grade. I came out as bi to a couple of my friends and stopped going to church. Only low key though. I wasn’t looking for my entire life to be flipped upside down. My parents were casually homophobic and my peers were actively expressing that.

Still, I decided to start dating someone.

Remember my friend who I came out to in the pool? Yeah, them. I dated them.

BIG MISTAKE.

As soon as we started dating, they told everyone. I told them “no one needs to know, we should keep it private you know? For safety.” They refused to listen.

By the end of the day everyone in my grade and even some upperclassmen knew that I was bi. Though the message got messed up and everyone thought I was a lesbian. (Which made me uncomfortable because I was still mfnsjsjjd about gender and stuff) (that’s a whole other coming out that I don’t want to get into in this as the whole thing is not anywhere near over)

Then the bullying for it started happening.

I was the first “out” kid in my grade so of course I was met with a bunch of crap.

Girls in locker rooms would yell at me for looking up at all, and there was one incident were a girl decided to come up to me, grope my chest and laugh about it with her friends because, “I was just a dirty lesbo pervert who probably enjoyed it.”

Guys would say repeatedly they could make me straight and also would do similar things to what that girl is.

Did I tell my parents? No of course I didn’t. I wasn’t out and I needed it to stay that way. My dad had anger issues and he had once hit my brother out of anger. So, I didn’t really feel completely safe to be quite honest. (It’s kind of better now. He still gets angry easy but he only had one more incident and that was years ago.)

I ended up breaking up with that person because I clearly couldn’t trust them and I was very upset with them. I still blame them. *** Then seventh grade happened. As per usual things got worse.

My parents found out about my internet friends and read all of our messages and I got outed to them.

Then my parents never trusted me again and took away the one good thing I had in my life that was consistently there for me and genuinely made me happy and feel safe.

Their homophobia also worsened. They also outed me to all of their friends and family. (Thanks mom)

I also attempted suicide for the first time. My parents and friends still don’t know about that. *** Eight grade was the worst year of my life. In eighth grade I kind of realized I was ace and came out to my friends and the girl I liked at the time.

I kind of blocked out homophobia at that point. Yes it was still happening to me and it had gotten worse, but eighth grade was a blur for me.

I can’t really remember much of it.

My English teacher who was a mother figure, Mrs.Freeze, who was the first adult to accept me, died during the last two weeks of school.

As well as an extremely traumatic event happened.

I might delete this part when I upload it but if I don’t I want you all to know that this is where I’m warning that sexual assault victims might want to click away at.

I decided to go on the Washington DC trip with my school and the girl I liked went with me.

By the time we got back to the hotel, I hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours so I was asleep rather quickly.

It was four girls to a room, two to a bed. The two other girls left to hang out with their friends and it was just me left alone with the girl I liked and was out as ace to.

She took it upon herself to try to “fix” me.

I woke up while she was doing it and I eventually got her off me and escaped to the bathroom and cried.

I didn’t tell any adult on the trip and I just told a girl that I wasn’t comfortable around that girl anymore and thankfully she didn’t ask why and just switched seats on the bus with me and beds.

I still deal with trauma relating to this everyday, and I still have extreme panic attacks because of it. I lost physical trust with people for a while and I couldn’t be touched by anyone until recently.

This event also drove me to another suicide attempt.

That’s all I can say about that. Acephobia does exist and it can be extremely violent and damaging to people, so please just kindly shut up about ace discourse. *** During freshman year I was finally starting to be accepted by my parents, I came out as queer and ace officially, joined the GSA, met some more gays and life has been a bit better since then. *** My life isn’t perfect and homophobia is still a huge part of it and a lot of trauma surrounding my experience is still yet to be dealt with but I’m getting there. *** So my labels?

Queer and Ace-spec. That’s as specific as I can get I don’t know what you want from me lmao. *** Conclusion? Life does get better and eventually you will find acceptance and peace within yourself. I know you might be an extremely dark place with what looks like no chance of happiness or safety, but I promise you will get it eventually.

I love all of you and I wish you all the best in your own journeys.

Happy pride month.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💙💚💛🧡❤️

#pride

[sunsmile-lou]

so here's a small story: I had a crush on my best friend for an while year and that's how I knew I was gay. But I never told her because I thought she was straight. But during quarantine she texted me that she's bi and she came to know that because she had a crush on ME. I was like wtf and was jumping in joy and stuff but I said that I just see her as a friend because I was till questioning and stuff. So months passed and she told me she liked this girl in our school project who was also her neighbour so they used to meet up regularly. I was deadass jealous omg because she used to say everything about her to me (whom she had no idea liked her back lol). She talked bout how that girl makes her laugh, how beautiful she was and how they spend an whole night talking to each other etc. I used to spend nights crying about it because I wanted that girl to be me. I wanted her to like me the way she did her. In middle of all this chaos I was trying my best to give her hints that I like her btw (which were so obvious lmao she was just too oblivious to notice them).

So months passed and my friend started to realise that her crush don't like her back. So she started to move on. That's when the tide turned. One random day she texted me that she was sorry. I was like wtf r u sorry for and she said that she was sorry that she hurt me. She spent an whole week apologising to me and stuff. And then one random day she asked me to check her Pinterest page in which she had written a poem. I checked it out and oh my fucking god u won't belive what I found. She wrote this poem in which she says sorry and speaks bout how late she was in realising that her true love was not her ex crush but me!! She said that after I rejected her that day when she came out, she was trying to distract herself from the rejection and the only way she found was trying to convince herself she liked another girl. She said she loved me and wanted to be more than friends. Well u might be thinking that I'd have been happy and stuff right because of how long I wanted her to like me back. Guess what. I was not.

I was going through a really bad time then. I had to go through a lot of anxiety and self hate issues. I despised myself and my body so much. And when my crush said she likes me the first thing that came to my mind was why me? I couldn't accept the fact that someone genuinely likes me and due to the self hatred I started losing feelings for her whom I've been crushing on for an whole year. Later I came to find out that its common for ppl who have hatred for their self to lose feelings for others because u see yourself in them. Well it's even sadder because what I wanted the most during those times where someone to love and I lost them because of me.

Now we are back to being friends but it's not the same as before. We just text good morning and goodnight. She was the one whom I couldn't stop texting 24x7 before all this happened lmao. But ig everything that happens happens for a reason :)

(I'm sorry this is too long but you r the only one whom I've said this to and it feels good venting it out so thank you <3 you don't have to publish it if you don't want but I don't mind :))

Hi love💖

I get that you didn't tell her, I wouldn't either! but even if you told her, and whatever her feeling for you were at that moment she would probably still love you cause you were her bestfriend and that's also love even if it isn't the kind of love you wanted then❤ and it's really brave for her to come out that way I think over texts can be quite scary 😳

And jealousy is the absolute worst and with that I really know how you feel I had the same a while ago and it's the absolute worst cause in that moment you just wish to be her! but you should never ever wish to be somebody else! and probably everybody does is but it makes you feel even worse if you KNOW you are not her, and the tought of you crying even tho I don't know who you are already makes me sad🥺 please don't cry love🥺

and the way she confessed her love for you sounds really beautiful but also so sad cause you deserved and you still deserve all the love she was giving you and I wished you knew that you can be loved❤

And you said you lost them, but you never lose people who loved you please don't blame this on yourself babe it was never your fault in the beginning you both made mistakes but even tho everything you never lost her and you always stayed together even tho it are only two texts today, it's better then nothing love ❤ and maybe one day it will be 3 texts or 4 or 5 and maybe one day it will go back to normal and a day that you can talk everything out with her and I really hope that happens for you love cause you deserve the absolute world even tho you might believe you don't!

and thank you so so much love for sharing this with me and I'm really fucking proud of you for sharing this, that can be quite scary sometimes and you did it! I don't know if my rambling could make you feel better but I hope you are proud of yourself too for sharing this and for being so strong ❤

[gallagher-is-spelled-with-t-blog]

Ian Gallagher Drabble

A/N: Why isn’t the entire fandom obsessed with this image??? Like he looks so precious??? Why isn’t this one moment literally everywhere?

“Ian Gallagher is precious.” This statement is one everyone in the fandom can agree on.

“Gallovich’s storyline is unimportant to the Shameless storyline.” Very divisive.

I, personally, would like to drabble on and on about how Ian is, in a weird way, detached from the rest of his family. In moments where all the Gallaghers come together, Ian isn’t always found. When Debbie walks into the Gallagher home after having discovered Monica’s reappearance, the Gallagher family heads to Sheila’s house to confront her. Ian doesn’t. He runs to Mickey. Even before that, Ian is shown to be very different than his siblings. Ian gets hit by Frank (Karen sucks off Ian, Karen’s dad catches them, Karen’s dad headbuts Frank-- Frank passes it on), this being the first scene of straight-up child abuse makes it weirdly important. Fiona tells Ian that he looks the most like Monica, singling him out amongst his siblings. Hell, Ian says that if he ever hits Frank back he’ll kill him. Double hell, Ian’s (biologically) a half-brother. His biological father is Clayton-- Franks brother! When Ian disappears and enlists in the Army, Debbie remarks that Fiona doesn’t even seem to care. Can we talk about how when Frank disappears Debbie starts that count on the chain link fence that surrounds their house, but Ian is straight up MIA for, what, a year and no one seems to give a shit??? Ian disappears a number of times throughout the story-- driving cross country without even feeling a need to check in with his family. He always comes back, but his family never seems to organize those search parties they set up for Frank (and Fiona, that one time). Ian doesn’t even really come out to most of his family members. He only really comes out to Fiona. Lip found Ians porn, Frank caught Mickey and Ian screwing and the rest of the family seemed to find out after Ian stops giving a shit about who knows. Ian looks the most like Monica, he’s bipolar (flashback to all those heartbreaking moments where the fam compared him to Monica and even sadder flashback to all the moments where Ian compared himself to Monica and internalized those comments, making him feel like the family freak), he’s gay (flashback to Roberta/Bob), Frank’s not his dad, he was the only one who seemed to have a problem handling Monica’s death, he went to her after getting released from the MPs-- Ian is more like Monica than any of his siblings and it makes him different from them to his very core. His story revolves more around Monica than it does Frank, more around how he’s a “bipolar queer” than how he “doesn’t wanna turn out like Frank.” His story focuses on his romances, not as much his struggle to leave the ghetto. His love with Mickey dominates his storyline and leaves little room to show his struggle to put food on the table. Ian is completely detached from the rest of the Gallaghers. Ian doesn’t ever seem to have any problem getting out of the ghetto. Lip and Fiona struggle with it, Lip falling to alcoholism and Fiona always pinching pennies-- but Ian starts off the series with a job and a future in the military. In fact, Ian always seems to have a job. Military, Kash-N-Grab, Fairy Tale, then as an EMT. Can we discuss how Ian being an EMT is such a minor talking point in the fandom??? Gay, bipolar, poor high-school dropout becomes a fucking EMT??? Fiona’s a badass, no arguing that. Her whole rags-to-kinda-riches thing is epic, but Ian’s is just as kickass. He!Literally!Saves!Lives! Maybe a little more discussion on how epic Ian is (aside from just Mickey) would be well deserved.

#ian gallagher #ian gallagher imagine #ian gallagher drabble #gallagher #shameless drabble #shameless #showtime #carl gallagher #fiona gallagher #debbie gallagher #lip gallagher #gallovich

[paranoid-fighter]

Overwatch - Reyes, chapter 10: Reyes goes home | Jesse goes home

It’s been a long time in coming...

Author’s Notes: 1) Thank you for reading 2) I sincerely hope you enjoy this 3) This chapter is dedicated to @here-for-the-gay, for giving me the motivation to finish the chapter.  4) Special thanks to @slunkymcgee, @ceata88 and @t0asty-marshmall0w for reading various sections for me

Word Count: ~10,050 Copyright: Overwatch and its characters belong to Blizzard. OCs belong to me.

Five years had passed since his world had gone up in flames. Five long, stressful years that had prematurely aged both his body and his mind.

His body was handling the years better than his mind, but that wasn't saying much.

At least his memories had finally begun to return.

 He had a good recollection of the last three years, although the memories weren't always the best. He had spent the years running, hiding and doing good whenever and wherever he could. He clung to those memories, clung to the gratitude of every single person that he had helped.

Those memories made him feel like the hero he wanted to be. It spurred him to keep running, gave him the determination he needed to stay alive for another day...

 As for the first two years after the fall?

 His memories were just a jumbled blur with hardly any distinctive events for him to recall. Were it not for his new metal hand and the penchant for cheap whiskey, he'd have no proof of the passing years.

 He picked his way over the ruins, cursing the cloudy night each time his boots slipped on the rubble. Despite the years, the dust still had yet to fully settle. This didn't surprise him, though. He knew that looters would still come out to the destroyed base, desperate for anything and everything they could get their hands on. Despite the armed perimeter, it was relatively easy to get into the base if one knew where to look. It also helped that the guards didn't patrol the destroyed base itself - it was too structurally unsound to support an armed presence.

The skeletal remains of the soldiers peeking through the ruins were a great deterrent, too.

  Jesse began his ascent up the mountain of broken concrete and warped steel. He wouldn't let himself focus for long on the ruins as he made his way to where Morrison's office used to be; he was always afraid of what he might find if he stared at the ground. The office had been dead-set in the center of the base, surrounded by reinforced walls and ceilings. It was designed to withstand even the strongest of bombings, or so Morrison had said.

  Jesse always knew he was a liar.

  He sank down heavily onto the shattered concrete slabs and put his pack on the ground beside him. He opened it and fished out two bottles before slumping back against a makeshift wall. Grasping the bottle of beer in his right hand, he flicked the cap off with his left. The bent lid pinged its way down the rubble as Jesse closed his eyes.

  "Hey, boss," he said softly, "'s me again." He placed the beer down next to him as he reached for a bottle of whiskey. He unscrewed the lid and took a drink straight from the bottle. He hissed lowly as the whiskey burned its way down to his stomach. "I brought your favorite beer. It's getting harder to find this stuff, but I found you a six pack. I thought you'd like it." He placed the whiskey down as he picked up the beer. "Cheers."

  He poured the beer onto the concrete, sighing as he watched the last few drops splash onto the debris.

  "I can't remember if I ever thanked you for introducing me to good beer. I think I did, but I'm not sure." He sighed as he put the empty bottle down. "Either way, thanks. You opened my eyes. Deadlock only ever really drank pisswater. It was easy to find and no one was gonna even try to stop us from lifting a case from a store - hell, the packaging was probably worth more than the fucking beer." Jesse took another swallow of whiskey. "You opened my eyes to a lot of stuff, boss. I think you know that, though. I mean, shit. You even opened my eyes about myself and I was pretty confident I knew who I was." He shook his head. "First fucking time we ever really met, you bought me a bunch of binders. Still ain't even sure why you did that, or why you took to me like you did, but I ain't complaining." He sighed. "I still have one. Can't fit into it now, not by a long shot, but I keep it. Sad, ain't it?"

  Jesse strained to hear an answer but not even the wind was whispering to him now.

  He shook his head as he closed his eyes. "I kept a lot of the stuff you gave me. Lot of papers, a few pictures, a knit cap... Hell, I hardly ever take off the serape. You remember when you made it for me? I do. It was for a Halloween party - you always did love costume parties." He smiled faintly as he recalled that night; he had been a vanquero, wearing a beautiful costume that was made entirely by hand. Jesse still didn't know when Reyes had found the time to make it, but..." No one could believe that you sewed it yourself. Sometimes, I can't either." He looked down to the faded serape as his expression firmed. "It's getting holes in it, boss. Big ones. I try to patch them when I can, but I just don't have the skill you do." He blinked back the tears he felt pricking his eyes. "I'm still kicking myself for not learning when you tried to teach me." He took another drink. "Was too busy having my head up my ass to listen to you, I guess."

  He pulled another beer out of his bag.

  "I've been traveling a lot, boss. Trying to do good, just like you always taught me. It's hard, what with this warrant on my head, but I do what I can. Can y'believe I stopped a train robbery?" He grinned as he took another drink of whiskey. "Just like in all those books I'd read - you always did hate those books. You said they were cheap and trashy. I never admitted it, but you were right. They're awful. God awful... but they're fun to read." He laughed softly. "That was a fun time - got to be the dashing hero who saved the day. They gave me some nice whiskey and a few cigars for my troubles - and, you know, gave me a head start so I could get away. That was nice." His laughter faded along with his smile as he stared at the bottle of beer.

  He poured it onto the ground.

  "This ain't what I pictured, boss. I always thought that after everything went down, we'd go stay somewhere coastal, living life for a while before we'd recall our best troops. You did say you wanted to set up a mercenary group after the dust settled." He sighed. "Well, the dust settled, but there's no group of mercs. At least, there's none that I can see." He paused before shaking his head. "No, that's not right. There's Nocte and his group, but I ain't about to join up with them. Their boss scares me - man just ain't right. Somethin' about his eyes..." Jesse shuddered at the memory of their only meeting.

  To this day, he still couldn't pin down what was so unnerving about Syphryn; best he could tell, Syphryn's eyes were far too old and his smile reminded him of a shark.

  He shook his head in a vain attempt to dismiss the images.

  "Nocte still checks on me. Can you believe it? I'll go and see him a few times a year. Well, no. He finds me. I don't look for him - he just finds me. No matter where I am, he'll find me. Always at night, too." Another drink. "I can see why you like working with him. He's funny once you get to know him. Good guy, despite the whole, y'know, assassin thing." He shrugged. "We all can't be perfect, though."

  Jesse swore he heard a quiet chuckle but shook his head.

 It was just the wind.

 It was always just the wind.

   He stared at the bottle of whiskey before shaking his head. "Not much has really happened in the last year, boss. I mean, I know you're probably expecting me to come to you with all these great stories of stuff I'm doing, but the truth is, I'm just lost." He hugged his legs to his chest and covered them with his serape. "I mean, I know where I am, but I'm lost. What do I do now? I'm a wanted man, boss, and this desperado life just ain't for me." A sigh. "The novelty wore off pretty damn fast. Now, most days, all I want to do is just go home. Hell, maybe even have a dog or five, and someone to come home to. Someone who'd have dinner on the table and a cigar waiting for me." Jesse gave a short, dry laugh. "Funny, ain't it? I'm damn near wanting a nine-to-five gig and a white picket fence." Another drink. "But who the hell's gonna look at Jesse McCree and want to take me home? They're all more apt to take me to jail for the bounty."  

He paused as he stared at the whiskey and bit his lip against the residual burn.

  "Well," he shifted uneasily, "there was someone who offered me a home, but I didn't take the offer. Not yet, at least." He took another drink. "You remember Hanzo, boss? I do. And he remembered me." A slow smile crossed his lips. "He definitely remembered me. Gave me his thanks, too, for helping him during the raid." Jesse laughed a little. "He was pretty damn thankful." His cheeks colored as he remembered just how enthusiastically Hanzo had expressed his gratitude; Hanzo had proven himself to be a very cunning linguist...

  "I'll call him again at some point. I can't settle down quite yet and he knows that." Jesse took another drink. "I can't until I know where you are, boss. I know you ain't dead. I know it. The world thinks otherwise, but to hell with the world. I'd know it if you were dead." He hugged his legs a little tighter. "But I'd really like it if you'd come back, boss." His voice was small. "It's getting harder to keep thinking you're alive."

  He tried to ignore the tears that pricked in the corners of his eyes as he poured another beer onto the ground.

  "It's been five years, boss. Five years. And I ain't heard a peep from you. I've searched the whole damn world for you." He hiccuped - and not just from the alcohol. "Everyone else gave up on you, but I've not. Sad, ain't it?" Another hiccup. "And I still ain't sure what's sadder - the fact I still believe you're alive or the fact I'm thirty and still crying for my pa..."

  Jesse took another drink as the tears rolled down his hairy cheeks.

  "You left me, boss. You left me all alone. I told you not to go. I begged you. I begged! I begged you not to get on that plane and then you pulled a gun on me." His voice caught in his throat. "You pulled your gun on me..." Another drink. "Was it worth it, boss? Was it?" His words were dripping with scorn as he stared down at one of the empty beer bottles. "I hope it was. For your sake, I sure as hell hope you're off somewhere with Morrison, fucking the days away." He picked up the bottle with a shaking hand. "'cause if you're not, then you fucked us all out of our happy ending!"

  He threw the bottle.

 His anger shattered along with the glass.

"I just want you to come home, boss," he whispered, "that's all. I just want you to come home--" His inhalation was cut short by a deep, wet cough. He brought his hand over his mouth as he tried to stop coughing...

  Jesse slumped back against the wall as his coughing spell ended. He didn't look at his gloved hand; he didn't need to see it to know that it was covered in a fine spray of blood.

  "I want you to come home." Jesse whispered. "I need you to come home. I'm sick, boss. I'm real sick." He wiped his glove on his pants before hugging his legs again. "I can't even go see Lori and Sandy. I tried, but they had to turn me away. It was too risky, they said. I'm a wanted man, boss, and no doctor worth his salt's gonna take me in." He sighed. "I'm sick... and I ain't sure how much more I can take." He closed his eyes as he tried to ignore the cold that was seeping into his bones. "I want to go home, boss. I'm sick, I'm tired and I just..." He felt the tears starting anew. "I just wanna go home. I want to go back to how things were. I want my friends back. I want my family back. I want to go back to saving the world with my pa..."

  He scrubbed at his cheeks. "But we weren't saving the world, were we? The world sure didn't see it like that... just like they don't see you as my pa." Jesse let out a shuddering breath. "I still carry those damn papers. The moment we're safe, you said, I could mail them. Well, boss, we ain't never gonna be safe." He snarled. "I'm a wanted man, one of the most infamous in the world, and you're fucking gone!" Jesse grabbed at his hair as he tried to stifle the scream he felt building up within him.  

He knew that if he started screaming, he'd never stop.

   He sat in silence for what felt like hours before he reached for the fourth beer.

  He poured it onto the ground and placed the bottle beside him. "Five years, boss. You've been gone five years." He picked up the fifth bottle and poured it out. "You'll get a beer for each year." He picked up the remaining bottle and stared at it. "You better come back soon. It's hard enough getting out here with a six pack. Don't make me do it with two..."

  He drank the last beer in silence before turning his attention back to his mostly empty bottle of whiskey. He closed the bottle and shoved it back into his pack with a resigned sigh. "I should get moving. It's getting late and I got a train to catch." He pushed himself to his feet...

  ...and fell to the ground in a heap.

 He groaned as he rolled onto his side and slowly pushed himself back into a sitting position. He blinked the stars from his eyes and tried to stand up again, only to land on his backside.

When the third try failed, Jesse drew his serape tighter around him as he hunkered down against the concrete slab behind him. He could no longer ignore the cold that was sapping his strength. He shivered as he stared out into the dark night; his thoughts swirled around his head, jumbled from the alcohol. His breathing slowed as his eyes closed. He gave a single, racking cough before his head fell back against the wall...

    He bowed his head as he listened to the drunken words.

  There was nothing he could offer to comfort the outlaw.

There was nothing he could say to lessen the ache.

There was nothing he could do to save Jesse's soul...

  He watched as Jesse tried to stand; he did not approach as Jesse stumbled and fell. He only stood and watched as Jesse floundered on the cold, hard ground. He had spent years trying to help, had spend years trying to lift Jesse out of the gutters, had spent years trying to pull him back to his feet...

  He no longer tried. There was no point in trying now.

  He only watched as Jesse drew his serape closer to his body, to the body that was succumbing to the stresses of a life stained with heartache and soaked in whiskey.

 He slowly moved forward, all but drifting over the broken ground. His coat billowed in an unseen wind as he approached the soldier. It was time to--

   The crunching of concrete shattered the silent night.

  He turned and stared at the source of the noise as his hands came to rest on the grips of his shotguns. He wanted to draw the weapons, but he refrained. Instead... 

"Leave."

The noise stopped.

   The world fell away as they stared at one another.

   It was not their first meeting, nor, they knew, would it be their last.

  It was, however, the first time they had spoken.

"...the Supreme Lord said: I am death, the mighty destroyer of the world, out to destroy," he took a careful step closer, "all the warriors standing arrayed in the opposing armies shall cease to exist." "Silence," growled the specter. He shook his head. "I won't be quiet." "You don't belong here." "And neither do you." He crossed his arms over his jacketed chest. "Why are you here?" "The same reason you are." He looked down to Jesse's unconscious form. "Well, maybe not the exact same reason." "Leave, Morrison. This doesn't concern you."

  "Morrison..." He chuckled lowly. "Been a long time since I heard that name. Bet it's been a while since you said it, too, Reyes." "Reyes is dead." "So's Morrison, but I'm still standing here." Jack took a half-step closer. "And so're you, Gabe." "He is dead." He bit off each syllable. "Doubt that." Morrison stepped to the side as the concrete shifted under him. "The Gabe I knew was too strong to die. Hell, I've never met anyone stronger."

  The shrouded man shook his head. "No. You are wrong. He was not a strong man. You do not know him." "I don't know him? Well, shit, that makes the past pretty damn awkward." He gave a short laugh. "If I don't know him, then who the hell was I sleeping with?" "The man you knew was not who you thought he was." "If you're trying to tell me that he didn't have a cock, then I already knew that. Doesn't change anything, though; I loved him just the same."

   For the first time in years, Reaper felt an emotion other than anger stirring within his chest. It was a flash of frustration. What was this idiot doing?

 He pushed the thoughts away as he, too, took a half-step closer to the unconscious soldier.

   "Anyway," Jack waved a hand, "I know who you are, Reaper. Sure, it took me a while to figure it out, but I know it's you behind that mask, Gabe." Jack slowly reached his hands towards his own mask and pulled it away. "There's no one else it could be."

Reaper did not react - he would not give him that satisfaction.

Morrison ignored his silence.

 "It was the killings that tipped me off. Not just the victims themselves, but also how they died." Morrison said. "You went after the leaders of Overwatch first. All the men and women that we used to obey. They died. Their families died, too. They all died together. Autopsy reports said the families died first. You made them watch, didn't you? You made them watch their families die. You bound their hands and feet and made them watch their loved ones die." His voice grew cold. "That's your idea of payback, isn't it? Killing all of them? Making them helpless and making them watch everyone they ever loved die before their eyes while knowing there's not a damn thing they can do about it?" "Silence," he snarled. Morrison shook his head. "I'm right, Reyes. We both know it." "You know nothing." "I know a whole lot more than you think." Morrison was only feet from Jesse. "I've watched you for a long time now. I've watched who you killed. The former leaders are dead. Your former operatives are dead. All of them were killed by Reaper. There's only a few left now, just a precious few that you haven't killed." Another step. "The most precious of them all is right here between us." Jack looked down at the soldier. "He looks almost peaceful, doesn't he? I bet he wouldn't suffer, not like the others did." "It would be for the best." "Like fuck it would!" Jack glared. "Reyes, wake up. That's Jesse. That's your son!" "Reyes had no son!"

  Reaper frowned behind his mask as his echo faded.

  The words didn't feel right.

  He knew they weren't right.

  He did have a son.

  He had Je--

   "That's a lie." Morrison frowned. "Biggest lie since Overwatch said they were created to protect us. Jesse is your whole goddamn world, Reyes. Ever since that day he tried to throw a punch at you, that kid's been your whole world." He met his gaze. "Look me in the eye, Reyes, and you tell me that you don't have a son. Tell me Jesse isn't your son." His voice dropped. "I dare you."

  Red eyes stared out from behind the owl's visage and met Morrison's blue.

  He opened his mouth to speak--

  --Jesse's body shook from his wet, racking coughs.

  "He's sick, Reyes. He might not have much longer left. Even I can smell the blood on his breath." Jack's voice was low. "Don't let him die like you did. Don't let him die alone."

 Morrison watched as the other man cautiously approached Jesse.

 "I don't give a damn about what you've done, Reyes, or about who you've killed. But, for fuck's sake, just drop the act and be there for your son." He met Reyes' gaze. "If someone has to die tonight, then kill me. But please," Morrison whispered, "just spare Jesse..."

    Time slowed as he stared down at the dying soldier.

 His mind, however, was racing.

 Memories assaulted him, bombarding him with emotions he had buried half a decade ago. He remembered laughter, late night dinners, planning missions...

 And Jesse.

 He remembered Jesse.

 He remembered Jesse finding them a fox hole to hide in as they waited for the helicopters. He remembered Jesse working alongside him in his office. He remembered Jesse bringing him a milkshake after surgery.

 He remembered Jesse--

 "No." The specter shook his head as he stemmed the flow of memories. "No, what?" "He is not Reyes' son. Reyes had no children." "You're lying to yourself--" "I am not Reyes!"

  Jack frowned. "I don't believe that. Not for a second. You're still in there, Gabe. I know you are. There's no way that Reaper could be anyone but you." He ignored the palpable anger that was radiating from the masked man. "I've never met anyone more dramatic than Reyes. Everything you do has flair to it. Do you remember all those Halloween parties we had? You'd spend months making costumes that you'd wear for just a day, all because you loved the theatre. Hell, several soldiers even got costumes from you and they loved them, too. I know that Jesse did. Look," he pointed to the serape, "he's still wearing part of it." "Reyes was a fool." "Yeah, and so was the farmer for trusting the viper. It comes with being human, Gabe." "I am not a human." "Yes, you are. Maybe you're a little more incorporeal than most, but you're still a human. You still have a heart." "I do not--" "Gabe, if you didn't have a heart, you wouldn't have spent the last five years of your life killing every son of a bitch that hurt your family." He did not smile at Reyes' stunned silence. "No one without a heart does what you've done." Feeling braver, he continued. "If you didn't have a heart, you probably wouldn't even be here now. I'm willing to bet something's kept you here, Gabe, and I'm pretty sure I know what it is." His gaze fell to Jesse. "That's why you want to kill him, isn't it? He's the last thing keeping you here. If he's dead, then you can die, too." "...he isn't the last thing." "What?" Morrison looked up and felt his blood run cold.

He was staring down the barrel of a gun.

 Jack stood his ground, even as the color drained from his face. "You would do it, wouldn't you?" He asked. "You'd do it." He reached up towards the gun but did not push it away; instead, he held onto it. He took a step forward and pulled the muzzle into his chest. "Do it. Kill me. Kill me, then kill Jesse. Do it so you can finally be free." He met the masked man's gaze. "Do it."

  He watched as the specter pulled the hammer back.

"Do it."

A skeletal finger came to rest on the trigger.

"Do it."

Jack did not dare look away from Reaper's visage. His heart hammered within his chest, but he stood resolute.

He had to...

   Hidden behind the safety of his mask, his mind raced as emotions played across his face. This was Morrison. This was Jack.

This was Reyes' Jack.

This was the man that Reyes loved, the man that Reyes had fought beside...

...the man that Reyes had died for.

And Jack was here, completely at Reaper's mercy...

  Reaper's grip never wavered as he held the man at gunpoint. He could feel Jack's racing heart through the gun as surely as he could smell his fear. It was a familiar scene for him; he had held countless others in this same position as he let them wallow in their sins. All of them had begged and pleaded and prayed, but there was no mercy to be found within the cold eyes of Reaper. He had slain them without a second thought, leaving them to die with their prayers staining their lips.

 But Jack?

 Jack wasn't praying.

 Reaper knew Jack was just as guilty as Reyes was, just as unclean, just as impure, just as unworthy to live. Jack had taken life; Jack had killed his own soldiers to thwart the efforts of the puppet masters... And yet, even when faced with his death, he wasn't praying.

 Reaper's fingers tightened on the gun.

  Jack should be praying.

He wanted to see him praying. He wanted to see Jack groveling before him. He wanted to hear him crying for mercy.

Jack was the reason he existed. If it hadn't been for Jack, then there would be no Reaper. If Jack had listened, then Reyes would still be alive and would be living his life as he wanted. If Jack had just run when Reyes told him to, then Reyes wouldn't have had to go after hi--

--no, that wasn't right. Reyes didn't have to go.

Reyes chose to go.

  ....because he loved him...

  "Damn you, Jack," he growled, "damn you to hell."

"I'm already there." Morrison whispered. "Been trapped there for the past five years. Ever since I saw you lying on top of me with your spine shattered, I've been in hell. My body's just stuck here," he still held the gun against his chest, "just like you are, Gabe. Just like you." "No. No, you are nothing like m--No!" Reaper shook his head. "I've searched the world for you, Gabe. Been looking for you and a way to fix you for half a decade now." He adjusted his grip on the gun. "It's my fault you're like this and I want to make it right." He could feel something building within his chest, threatening to break down the walls he had built. Jack had been searching-- "Shut up!"   He shook his head. "I won't. I won't shut up until you're back, Reyes." He saw the man's trigger finger twitch and felt his pulse quicken. "I know you're still in there, Gabe. I know there's nothing I can do to fix the past. But maybe, just maybe, if I can help you now, then we might both be able to have a future again." He looked up to the masked man. "I still love you, Gabe, and I want you to have a future - the future you deserve. I don't care if I'm not part of it. You've more than earned the chance to be happy, Gabe. Free, alive and happy. You and Jesse bot--" "Leave him out of this." His voice was colder than the grave as he fought to suffocate the swell of emotion that was starting to build. "I won't. He's a part of this, Gabe, and he's a part of you. You're his father, Gabe--"

  "Stop saying that name!" Reaper shoved the gun into Jack's chest hard enough to knock him off balance, but Jack didn't let go. "He is dead and gone. There is nothing of him left now. He is dead!" "Bullshit." Jack put his other hand on the gun. "He's not dead. He's alive and, dammit, I'm talking to him now. If Gabe was dead, I'd be dead, too!" He pulled the gun closer to his body, hard enough to feel the cold metal biting into his skin. "Reaper would've killed me the moment he saw me." He ignored his fear as he stared into the man's dark eyes. "But I'm still alive and I'm still talking." He swallowed hard. "Gabe, it's you. I know it's you. I'm talking to you, Gabe. Please, please just come back. Come home. Gabriel, plea--"

  "Enough!" Reaper pulled his gun free from Jack's hands as he took a step backwards. "This ends now," he growled as he leveled the gun at Jack's head. His finger tightened on the trigg--

  Morrison charged forward.

 He ducked under the man's outstretched arm and wrapped his arms around Reaper's waist as Reaper pulled the trigger. Jack ignored the fired round that whistled overhead as momentum sent them both to the ground. The heavy shotgun clattered onto the rubble as Morrison's hands wrapped around Reaper's wrists. Jack forced Reaper's arms over his head. He tried to bring the wrists together. He needed a free hand; he had to bind Reaper's hands before--

 A heavy knee hit him in the back, knocking him off balance, as Reaper rolled to the side. He pulled his hands free and swung out with a taloned glove. The sharpened claws sang through the air before they found their mark; Jack cursed as the claws tore into his flesh and left bleeding rents in their wake. Reaper brought his other hand up to bear, snarling behind his mask. Jack's hand wrapped around his wrists again. The soldier ignored the blood dripping down his face as he held Reaper's arms steady. Reaper growled and twisted himself free from the man's grasp before standing upright.

 Jack's hands shot out and grabbed Reaper's ankle. With a grunt, Jack pulled Reaper's foot out from underneath him and watched as Reaper fell onto his back. The resulting cry of pain made his hair stand on end; no living creature should be able to make a sound like that...

 Jack clambered to his feet and grabbed the discarded shotgun as Reaper pulled the second free from its holster. Reaper brought the gun to bear and fired a hasty shot from the hip. The shot went wide as Jack jumped to the side. Jack's feet had scarcely touched the ground before he was moving again.

 For a brief instance, a childhood dream of being a soccer player was realized as Jack's leg pulled back for a kick. Reaper's eyes went wide as he tried to roll away. Jack's foot skidded over the side of Reaper's head. His boot hit hard enough to send the mask skipping over the rubble.

 Blinking the stars out of his eyes, Reaper fought to remain conscious. He turned his head and found himself staring down the barrel of his own gun. "Repent," he read the engraved letters as he took his hand away from his own gun. He met Jack's gaze, "and may your Maker have pity on your soul..." "Reyes..." "Do it, Jack." Reaper's voice began to lose its edge.   Jack shook his head, trying and failing to suppress his pained grimace. Reaper watched as the man placed the gun down on the ground. "What are you--" "I am taking pity on you," Jack whispered as he knelt down beside him. "I caused you to become this." He held out his hand to the prone man. "If I had just listened to you..." A sigh. "Gabe, I don't want to fight anymore." He took a shuddering breath. "I don't want to see you die again. I can't-I can't do that again. I can't lose you again."

  Reaper stared at the offered hand. He knew he could take it and pull Jack down. He knew he could kill him. He knew Jack's defenses were down--

 No.

 Reyes slowly extended his own hand and let his fingers wrap around Jack's. He felt himself being pulled upright and into a strong embrace. His heart ached as he put his arms around Jack's warm body. He felt his breath quicken as his arms tightened around Jack's waist. His eyes closed as he breathed in the familiar scents of cologne and musk. Memories washed over him, filling his mind with images of passionate nights and lazy mornings as he basked in Jack's warmth... “Years ago," Reyes' voice was quiet, "this is all I wanted. To come home at the end of the day and be in your arms," Reyes closed his eyes as he felt Jack's hands rubbing his back. "We were going to have it, too, if--" "I wanted it. It's what I still want." Jack's hand came to rest on the back of Reyes' head as his fingers stroked the tight curls. "We could still have it--" "We can't." Reyes whispered. "We can't. Not now, not after all of this." "Gabe--" "No, Jack," he pulled away and stared at him, "We can't. I can't. Not like this. If things were different, if I weren't--" he sighed. "If I weren't this--" Jack shook his head as he reached out to take Gabe's hands. "You're still you, Gabe. You're no one but you." Reyes pulled his hands away and stared down at his gloved palms. "You're wrong. I am not human. Not anymore. I kill everything I touch." He raised his head. "I know you say otherwise, but you're wrong. I am Reaper." "Gabe," Jack reached out and took his gloved hands. "No. You aren't him. You aren't. At least, you aren't right now. You're you. You're back now. I can see it, I can hear it. It's you again." He squeezed the man's hands. "You're back." Gabe let himself be taken into another embrace. "I--"

  The sound of klaxons pulled them apart.

 "Shit," Jack picked up the shotgun off the ground and handed it to Gabe. "We need to go." "Indeed." Gabe holstered the gun. "I want to see you again," Jack whispered. "I know." "How can--" "I'll find you, don't worry. We'll see each other again." He stepped closer to Jack and let his gloved hand rest on his cheek. Jack leaned into the man's touch as he closed his eyes. He felt Gabe's lips brush against his own--

 --and fell to his knees as he gasped for air that wouldn't come. His heart was stuttering as he tried to regain his senses. The world had gone black and all he could hear was the rushing of his blood. A cold weight filled his chest as he looked up to Reyes with wide, scared eyes. It felt like he had been shot--no. No, getting shot hurt far less than this. "g-Gabe..."

  Reyes stared down at the kneeling man. "Be glad I love you." He turned on his heel and collected his mask; he drew it on without facing Jack. "I'll see you again soon, Jack." He listened to Jack's retreating footfalls as he approached the unconscious soldier.

   "Wake up, Jesse," he knelt down in front of him, "it's time to go." No response. "Come on, mijo; wake up. We need to go." Silence. Reyes frowned as he heard the distant voices of soldiers. "Ok, mijo, last chance. Wake up." He shook his shoulder and frowned as Jesse's body moved listlessly. Reyes pulled him into a sitting position and picked up the man's pack. He slid it onto Jesse's back before turning and kneeling down in front of him.

  Turning, Reyes grabbed Jesse's arms and put them over his shoulders. Leaning forward, he had Jesse's front fall against his back as Reyes gathered his legs underneath him. His hands came to rest on the underside of Jesse's thighs as he pushed himself upright. "Remember the first time we did this, mijo?" He gave a half smile as his legs straightened. "It's been a long time since I carried you."

  With a deep breath, Reyes raised his gaze to the horizon as the world fell into shadows. He adjusted his grip on Jesse's legs as he willed himself to fade into mist, forcing himself to take Jesse with him into the darkness. He felt the ground under his feet fading away as he continued to walk, albeit slower than usual. He wanted to believe that it was Jesse weighing him down, but he knew that Jesse was weightless when compared to the weight of his regrets.

  "It's going to be okay," he whispered, "we're going home..."

     Reyes looked over to the side table as Jesse's phone buzzed. Jesse was oblivious to the noise, lost as he was in his whiskey coma. Reyes, however, couldn't take his eyes from the phone - it was the same one that he had given Jesse when they began to plot the downfall of Overwatch. "I can't believe you still use that," he whispered as he watched Jesse coughing in his sleep. Occasionally, his coughing would stop short as a fine spray of blood dotted the pillow.

 Reyes felt his heart constricting with every single drop.

 He blamed himself for Jesse's sickness. He knew it was his fault, completely and entirely his fault. If he had just gone with Jesse instead of going after Jack, they'd both still be healthy. Or, at least, healthier than they were now - which really wasn't saying much; after all, a walking corpse and a dying man hardly counted as paradigms of health... He shook his head as the phone buzzed again. It clattered across the cheap nightstand, drawing closer to the edge, but Jesse still didn't react. Reyes returned his gaze to the soldier as the phone fell still.

  The third time the phone buzzed, it rattled itself to the floor.

 When it began to buzz for a fourth time, Reyes sighed and picked up the phone. He blinked as he stared at the number on the screen - could it be...?

 He answered the call and brought the phone to his ear...

  "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly is an overdone movie and we do not have time for silly code phrases," Nocte all but snarled into the phone, "tell me where you are. I have been informed that soldiers are active on the former base and I know you were going there tonight. Do not make me have to come find you." "Hello to you too, Nocte." "Je--Reyes?" The anger in his voice faded momentarily before coming back tenfold. "Or is this Reaper that I have the absolute displeasure of speaking with?" "I see you weren't a fan--" "A fan of an egotistical, excessively overdramatic, revenge-driven meglomaniac? No. No I was not. I would say more, but I am short on time." His grip tightened on the steering wheel. "This is Jesse's phone and yet, he did not answer. Where is he?" His low voice chilled even Reyes' blood. "Jesse's safe, don't worry." Reyes assured him. "He's resting now. I found him before the soldiers came and took him away from the base." "Oh, good," Nocte heaved a sigh of relief as he sank back into the driver's seat. "Very good. I was about to start calling in favors to find him." "You would have done that?" "Of course. You asked me to keep an eye on him. Additionally, I have become somewhat fond of the little miscreant. I will never admit this to him, but he has grown on me. I see why you like him so much. His wit is as sharp as his aim." "Indeed," Reyes smiled faintly. "I hate to ask after not speaking for so long, but I need a favor." "What is it?" "I need a doctor for Jesse. He's sick. Very sick. I'm not sure what's going on, but I can tell that the grave is clinging to him." "I know of two that I would trust with Jesse. One is available now, but she is not my first choice. I would need to make some calls for the one I'd rather send." "Who's available?" "Solstice." "Oh. Oh, no. Anyone but her - she's pure evil," Reyes quietly moaned. "No. I want Jesse to live; I don't want him turning into a monstrosity like you." "I will pretend I did not hear that last part," Nocte frowned as he drove, "but I agree; my sister is an evil bitch. However, despite her repugnant nature, she is not the one who made me what I am." His tone softened. "I will call Frangelico; she should be able to come see Jesse within a few days. Do you think he has that long?" "Yes, I do," he sighed as Jesse coughed, "he's not immediately dying, but I can smell death on his breath." "Are you sure he has brushed his teeth?" Nocte sighed. "Sorry, that was crass." Reyes gave a short laugh. "That's definitely part of it... but no, he is sick. I think he can wait a few more days to see Frangelico, though. I take it she's good?" "The very best I have ever worked with." "Wonderful." He dabbed at Jesse's mouth with a wet cloth and frowned at the blood. "If we need to travel to see her, we'll need to arrange something." "I can take care of that. I will send either Echo or Sonar and Radar to collect you two, depending on how far you need to go. Frangelico prefers not to travel, if she can help it." "Understandable," Reyes nodded, "thank you, Nocte." "Do not thank me," Nocte's voice grew cold, "this is for Jesse. Not you." "I--" "I will forgive you in time, Reyes, but not now. I tried to help you, but you--" "I need to go," Reyes frowned. "I think Jesse's waking up." "Reyes, this is not ov--" "I know it isn't," he snapped before sighing. "I'm sorry. I owe you a better apology, Nocte, but now isn't the time. When I see you next--" "Go and tend to Jesse," Nocte said firmly, "I will be in touch." "Thank you." "Do not mention it," the assassin took the phone from his ear and ended the call.

  Reyes stared down at the phone for a few moments before turning his gaze back to Jesse. The soldier was still fast asleep and he had the sinking feeling Nocte knew he was lying. His gloved hand pushed a lock of hair behind Jesse's ear before he stood up. "Sleep, mijo. I will make you something to eat. Rest easy; you are safe now."

      Reyes stepped out of the bedroom and made his way into the kitchen of his safe house. It was a small house, sparsely furnished and in various states of disarray. It was far from what he had wanted, but it been home for the past several years when he had to lie low. He stepped into the tiny kitchen and moved to the old fridge, sighing as he rummaged through the mostly-empty drawers. While it was true that he hardly had to eat, his bizarre state of unlife didn't stop him from craving a warm bowl of soup when the long, cold nights weighed on his soul.

Reyes cast a glance to the hallway and heaved a sigh as he heard Jesse coughing. He hoped that Jesse could last a few more days before Frangelico arrived - he somewhat regretted telling Nocte that Jesse could wait. He knew Nocte would help Jesse, but he just hoped it wasn't too little, too late.

Reyes shook his head as he began to roughly chop the vegetables, trying and failing to clear his thoughts.

  Tonight had not gone like he had expected.

It was true that he knew that both Jesse and Jack made a pilgrimage to the destroyed base every year. He knew that there was a chance he would see them both tonight. What he hadn't known was that, on this night, he would break free from the persona of Reaper after five long years. Trust Jack to find a way under his skin--

--no.

That was giving Jack far, far too much credit. Jack had very little to do with the reemergence of Gabriel Reyes.

Jack did make for a great excuse, though.

 Reyes watched with unseeing eyes as he filled a pot with water from the leaky tap.

  He had spent years living behind a mask. In that time, he had sworn revenge on everyone that he felt had wronged Gabriel Reyes, Jesse McCree, Jack Morrison and all those that he had befriended during his military career. For years, it had kept him going. Reyes' anger had become Reaper's and had given him the reasons he needed to continue existing. But now?

  Now was different.

  Where he had once found determination, he found only worsening apathy. He tried to find ways to continue living under the guise of Reaper, but his thoughts and actions had begun to grow stale and hollow.

  It was jarring.

  He knew that life was safer as Reaper - there was no true past that he had to concern himself with, no memories of a family, of friends, of joy and happiness. Life was cold and calculated. Every day was just part of the cycle of researching, planning and killing his next mark. There was no time to sit and reflect on his life or to mourn for the past. Life as Reaper was a life he that had never wanted to live, but it was a life that he had lived for years.

 Life was safer when living behind Reaper's mask, but it was a sad and lonely excuse for a life...

 ...and he was tired of it. He was tired of living in the shadows. He was tired of living the life that Reaper lived.

  But, as tired as he was, he found himself afraid to take off the mask.

  Leaving behind Reaper meant that he had to finally face the past. It meant acknowledging all of the regrets that Gabriel Reyes had amassed and all the sinful atrocities that Reaper had committed. It meant coming to terms with the all of the lives that he had ruined, all those that he had killed and all that he had done in his empty quest for revenge. Even though he could justify Reaper's actions, it didn't stop him from feeling regret - and his biggest regret was lying only feet away with one foot in an early grave. "I'm sorry, mijo," he whispered, "I am so sorry."

The words left a sour taste in his mouth; they were useless words and he knew it.

  How could "sorry" repair the damage he caused? How could "sorry" heal the wounds that he inflicted? How could "sorry" even allow him look at Jesse again?

  He heaved another sigh as the water began to boil.

  He knew that there was nothing he could do to make amends for the past, just as he knew he deserved any anger and resentment that Jesse heaped his way. He had abandoned the soldier, his own son. He had held Jesse at gunpoint and ordered him to leave so that he could go and save his lover... only for it all to fall into ruin. Jesse was now a wanted criminal and both he and Jack were dead to varying degrees.

  Reyes sank down onto a stool and ran a hand through his hair. He knew there was nothing he could do to make things right, but that wouldn't stop him from trying. He would find a way to make up for the hurt that he had caused...

  After all, what else could he do?

       The bed was soft.

His brow furrowed as he closed his eyes a little tighter.

The blankets were warm.

His hands clutched the bedding as he fought and lost against a coughing spell.

The pillow was damp.

His hands fell limply to the bed as he rolled onto his back. 

The air smelled like copper.

 His eyes slowly opened as he heard the sound of distant footsteps. The world swirled before his eyes as he patted his side for his gun. His pulse began to race when he realized his pistol was missing. Swaying heavily, he turned to face the source of the noise as he slowly pushed himself upright.

He fell back to the bed as his lungs spasmed.

  His hands gripped the bedding as he closed his eyes again. Lying on his back in the dark, he was faced with the fact that he only knew two things: one, he had no where he was and two, he was fucked. He didn't know where his gun was - and, for that matter, he didn't know where his boot knife was.

...or his boots.

 "Y'done fucked up," Jesse mumbled as his stomach began to roil, "y'fucked up hard..." He slowly turned onto his side and pushed himself upright again. "Okay, Jesse, you can do this... get up, find your shit, get out..."

  He clamped a hand over his mouth as his stomach voiced its opinion about his plan.

  After several long, deep breaths through his nose, Jesse pushed himself to his feet. The world swam about him as he began to stumble his way around the room in search of his gun and boots. So far as he could tell, he was wearing his serape and he felt his hat hanging about his neck by its string. All he had left to find were his shoes and his goddamn gun - where was--ouch.

  He fell against the wall with a swear of pain as he wrapped his toes around the corner of a dresser. He put his hands on the worn surface and pushed himself upright. "Fuckin' piece of shit--oh. Gun." He shoved the gun into his holster and blinked sluggishly as his gaze focused on his boots. With another swear, Jesse began to slowly lift one foot and slide it into his boot. It took far more effort than it should've to remain standing, but he eventually managed to put both boots on the right feet without having to sit down.

  Dressed to his satisfaction, Jesse stood upright again and took a steadying breath as he faced the door.

  The world still swam around him, but shapes were beginning to have defined edges again. It wasn't great, but it was an improvement. "Okay, Jesse, start walkin'. Y'got your boots and your gun. It's time to escape..." He took another breath and crossed the small room in three steps.  

The door swung slowly open on its rusted hinges, but the heavy sounds of Jesse's boots masked their pained squeal. He tried to move quietly, but the hard soles and the squeaking floorboards were simply not cooperating. Lowering himself into a slight crouch, he began to step with the ball of his foot landing before his heel. It helped a little, but the floors continued to groan as Jesse walked. Part of him was screaming to break out into a run, but he couldn't risk it - he didn't know how big this place was, or where the exit was.

  With a silent swear, he continued to pad his way through the halls...

    Reyes paused as he heard the unmistakable sound of drunken footfalls. He ladled more soup into the bowl as he looked over his shoulder and frowned at the sight of the blind-drunk cowboy trying to sneak past the kitchen. "Go back to bed, Jesse." Jesse stood upright and bit his lip as he hung his head. "'kay. Sorry, boss."

  Reyes stared in amazement as Jesse turned and walked away...

  ...only to laugh as Jesse all but fell over his own feet as he turned and ran back to the kitchen.

 "Boss!"

 Reyes put the bowl down on the counter as he turned to face the soldier. "Hello, Jesse." "Boss," he took a tentative step forward as he stared in slack-jawed wonderment, "is that you? Really you?" "Yes," he smiled, "it's me." "You look like shit." "You don't look much better." "You're probably right." Jesse nodded before he smiled widely. "You're back!" He ran forward, his outstretched arms wrapping around Reyes. His cheek came to rest against Gabe's--

  Reyes felt his heart constrict as Jesse stumbled backwards with an anguished cry.

  Jesse held a hand to his face as he stared up to Reyes. The skin on his cheek had paled to bone white and had grown frightfully cold. "b-Boss?" Jesse stared up at Reyes as he began to tremble. "Boss, you--what happened to you?" "Jesse--" "Gabe, I thought you..." Jesse quickly moved his hand over his mouth as his stomach lurched. He audibly choked as Reyes came to stand in front of him. His knuckles whitened as he stared into Reyes' red eyes. "Mijo," Reyes slowly reached out and put a hand on Jesse's shoulder, "I'm still here. I'm just, well," he sighed, "I'm not the man you used to know." "What happened?" Jesse whispered from behind his hand. "You look--" "Dead. I know." "Are you a ghost?" The heartache in his voice made Gabe pull his hand away. "I still don't know." Reyes admitted lamely. "But it doesn't matter. I'm here now. I'm back." "It hurt to touch you," "I know. i-I know." He stared down at his hands. "I am sorry, Jesse. I am so sorry."

  "Reyes, what are you? Are you okay? Are you--" Jesse pulled his hand away from his mouth. "That's enough," Reyes pushed himself upright and pulled a pair of gloves out of his pocket. "Don't worry about me. I'm not the one who's sick." Jesse looked away as he swallowed another wave of nausea - and guilt. "y-You could tell?" "You look like shit," he frowned, "and you kept coughing up blood. How long has this been happening?" "Not long," his voice was small, "just a few months, I think." "I see..." Reyes held out his gloved hands. "Come on, let's get you back to bed." "Are you going to leave again?" "What?" Jesse still didn't look to him. "Years ago, a few months after the explosion, I remember falling into a gutter somewhere. I was drunk." He hiccuped. "Surprise, I know," a sigh, "but I remember someone pulled me up and took me somewhere. It was warm and I felt safe. But when I woke up, I was alone." He slowly looked up to Reyes. "That was you, wasn't it?" "I--" "Wasn't it?" He asked again.

  Reyes hesitated before slowly nodding.

  "I knew it." Jesse looked away; he couldn't stand to see Gabe's red eyes. It wasn't the hue that bothered him - it was his own guilt. "You still looked after me, didn't you? You had Nocte check on me, too... and I just kept drinking." He hiccuped again, but not from the alcohol that coursed through his veins. "Even dead, you tried to help me and I just kept drinking--" "That's enough." Reyes said firmly. He put his gloved hands on Jesse's shoulders. "That's enough of that. I'm taking you back to bed. You need to rest." "This is just another dream," Jesse's voice wavered as his eyes grew glassy, "I'm just dreaming." "Jesse--" "I'm just gonna wake up back in the gutter--" "Mijo--" "--and I'm gonna be alone again--" "No." Reyes pulled Jesse into a hug. He held the soldier in a tight embrace, making sure to not touch Jesse's exposed skin. "You are not going to be alone anymore. This isn't a dream. You are going to be okay." "Boss," Jesse weakly pushed against him, only to feel Reyes' arms tigthen. He bit his lip as his knees began to waver. "I just wanna go home, boss..." "You are home," Reyes whispered as he held Jesse in place. "I'm sick..." "I know you are, but we'll fix you. I've called for a doctor, one of the best in the world. You're going to be okay, Jesse. I promise."

  Jesse stared at Reyes with bloodshot eyes. "You mean that?" "I do." Reyes nodded. "I am going to take care of you. That's what fathers do." He stepped to the side and put Jesse's arm across his shoulders. Reyes put an arm around his waist and began to walk him back to the bedroom. "You need to rest. That's the best thing you can do right now: rest and recover." "Will you be here when I wake up?" "I will." "Promise?" "I promise." Reyes helped Jesse to sit on the old bed before crouching down in front of him. "I'll go and bring you something to eat. Make yourself comfortable." "Will you tell me what happened to you?" "I will, but not right now." Reyes stood up again. "I'll tell you everything in the morning. But, for now, just lie back and rest. I'll bring you something to eat." He gave the soldier a smile before stepping out of the room.

  Jesse watched as Reyes walked away. His hands gripped the blankets as he stared, unblinkingly, at the open door. He knew that if he blinked, he'd wake up from the dream and Reyes would be gone.

He couldn't risk it. 

He couldn't risk losing him again...

  He heaved a sigh of relief and closed his eyes when Reyes placed a bowl of soup down on the nightstand. "You came back." "Of course," Reyes sat down on a rickety chair near the far wall, "I'm not leaving you." He picked up a set of needles and let his gaze fall to the red yarn. "Eat up; it'll make you feel better." Jesse turned his gaze away from Reyes' knitting needles and looked at the soup; it was chicken and rice soup. His favorite. "You remembered..." "Of course." Reyes gave him a small smile as Jesse began to eat...

   Wrapped in a warm blanket with a full stomach, Jesse's eyes closed as he sank into the soft bed. He felt himself drifting away, soothed by the rhythmic sound of Reyes knitting. For the first time in a long time, he felt peace...

   Reyes looked to Jesse as he began to cough. He watched as Jesse's body shook from each and every bloodied exhalation. He lowered his knitting needles and placed his elbows on his knees. His fingers laced together as his chin came to rest on his thumbs, almost as if to pray.

No prayers were uttered as he listened to Jesse gasping for breath.

There was nothing he could do.

He couldn't touch Jesse for fear of hurting him, just as he knew he wouldn't be able to resuscitate him if Jesse were to stop breathing. Reyes closed his eyes as Jesse's coughing ceased and the soldier sank into the bed with a pained whimper. He resolved to call Nocte in the morning - he knew Jesse couldn't wait days to see a doctor.

For the first time since the death of his father, Reyes began to pray...

#overwatch reyes #overwatch jesse #overwatch morrison #jack morrison #jesse mccree #gabe reyes #trans gabe #trans jesse #trans reaper #trans reyes #trans mccree #paranoid-fighter writes overwatch #overwatch fanfiction #overwatch fanfic #final chapter #the story is done #thank you for reading #please let me know what you think #i sincerely hope you enjoy it #thank you for your time

[ssfoc]

he said that Bty wasn't personal to him though, and selena quintanilla wrote about heartbreaks and stuff but she was happily married, i think h and L have been done for a while, but they seem happy and comfortable and their families still close so i think they're on good terms

Anonymous said: sea i think it’s hard for all is to let go but kx///

Anonymous said: “He is a person we’ve known for seven years.” we don’t know him though, everyone likes to act like they do but isn’t true, maybe this is what louis likes? being you know, sporty-laddy guy and it’s not bad? some people should stop projecting what they want on louis, like using suspenders and all that delicate gay-ish stuff he used before, he’s not like that anymore so stop, he’s so different? well people change and also how we do know how is he in reality? maybe this was him all along.///

__________

Songs are usually not completely based on personal history, and shouldn’t be interpreted as autobiographical. And, because artists have an image they want to project, they aren’t always what the artist says they are about.

Louis has written or co-written lots of songs not based on anything autobiographical, probably. “Long Way Down,” “Love You Goodbye,” “Story of My Life”– might all be imagined.

I love the fact that Louis can discuss his craft in detail. His songwriting process is interesting and informs how he goes about making music.

Maybe it isn’t that deep and the song is exactly what he says, based on some hypothetical, toxic relationship that “we all know exists”– just happens to be a good subject for a bop.

Which is fine. BTY might be a meaningless song to Louis. All those Easter eggs in the BTY video previews might be just him fucking with the fandom, having a bit of a laugh.

Maybe he does really mean that his album is dedicated to Eleanor and his love shines through, in his sad eyes, his sadder selfies, his haphazard, sloppy handholding, his obvious pap walks and outfit changes so that he doesn’t have to do the pap walk more than one day out of the week that he was in New York.

Maybe the tiny tattoo for E is really more meaningful than the fat bird that definitely doesn’t mean freedom, or the dagger that’s just a nice design, or the compass that points “Home” instead of “North,” or the broken rope on his wrist with the cryptic, empty quotation marks which probably also mean nothing, except they’re in the same place where someone else had tattooed “I can’t change.” Maybe he likes wearing sweats and socks that cover up every other tattoo in 90-degree summer weather.

Maybe Louis has changed, or was never who we thought he was. Maybe he actually doesn’t care about meaning that much. Maybe he didn’t talk about writing songs about his deepest love. Maybe huge life-changing events, like being a father, really don’t impact him that much, and he really can’t tell whether his son has just started walking or can actually surf on the ocean. Maybe he is just that shallow, even though he knows full well what it’s like to have a biological parent abandon you.

Maybe he prefers being a darkly ironic, Simon-praising corporate tool to the ebullient, exuberant person he was before. That’s certainly possible. Maybe he chooses to insult that part of his fandom that does the most work promoting him and supporting his charity efforts, because his anger is greater than his appreciation or need for an audience, and moreover, expresses this anger through the journalist, Dan Wootton, who has consistently maligned him and his band mates in the press, pushed the 1DHQ party line, and straight up fabricated quotes he never said (that he’s happy to be with RCA, for instance). Maybe this is the “real” Louis, and the fighting Louis who led his bandmates to become the OT5 we know and love was really just a mirage.

I don’t know whether I’m right any more than anyone else. But when history is being rewritten, I want to know WHY. It’s puzzling in Louis’ case, because history is not being rewritten to his benefit, at least not that I can see. It seems like a lot of energy, time, fabrication, to deny stuff that people who buy music don’t care about AT ALL. He’s a dad– but not a great one. Out of all his ink, he has one tattoo that has meaning– just the smallest, shittiest tattoo on his body, the only one he keeps mentioning for some reason. He writes autobiographical music that means the deepest love– but his first single is about two people who shouldn’t be together. He wants the truth to come out at last– told through a journalist who has consistently published lies.

People don’t change to align with their enemies unless 1. they’re forced to because of consequences, or, 2. there’s some greater benefit to be gotten out of it.

#bty #bty song interpretation #back to you #Louis songwriting #lt1

[tumblunni]

Ever have a moment where you just spontaneously get inspired for a sad story idea and start weeping at the torment you have unleashed upon yourself? I have no idea why this happens to meeeeeeeee

I just suddenly had the idea of this unusual love triangle subversion where it starts off looking like the cliche of two guys fighting over a girl, but in the end the two guys hook up with each other instead. Like a big holy shit realization that their rivalry was stemming from repressed feelings, and how much they genuinely enjoyed being ‘rivals’ and kept seeking any chance to ‘fight’. And how their ‘love’ for the girl might have been kind of cruel and thoughtless, they were treating her like a prize, like her only purpose was to be won so the other guy would lose. So they could gloat. And there wasnt much genuine feeling there beyond a superficial attraction, and it was cruel to lead her on thinking you were dating her because you liked her, rather than because you can boast to your friends cos she’s sexy. So it’d be a story of these two guys getting a lot of character development and softening up both towards each other and towards her, forming a genuine friendship with her and apologising for all the ways they’d been cruel while dating her. Even though she doesnt ‘win’ either boy in the end, she has just as much of a victory as they do! She ends the story gaining a lot of self confidence and being able to recognise and escape an unhealthy relationship while also gaining two great wingmen who’re gonna support her towards finding her true love someday. ^_^

But then my thoughts kinda added a sadder potential aspect to the thing cos I was like WHAT IF INEXPLICABLY THROW GHOSTS IN I have a perfectly good comedic/cute romance concept and I had to add tragedy! Alas! :P

The weird idea was that maybe one of the male characters is actually the ghost of the girl’s former boyfriend? So she’s trying to date this new guy and he gets comically tormented by the clingy ghost, thus beginning their rivalry! But eventually it gets sad because the closer everyone gets to their happy ending character development, the closer ghost boy gets to fading away. And every other part of the plot would be even more emotional if one of the people in the equation is dead, yknow? Like... having to realize that your dead boyfriend didn’t really love you, and his ghost is floating nearby trying to apologise but you can’t see him :( And then all the misunderstandings could be much worse because they have to be relayed back and forth through these spirit contact methods. Itd be much harder to reach that big epiphany that "oh shit I’m actually gay and was in denial, and I got accidentally into that relationship with her because I was trying to prove I was straight, but I never realized that I genuinely care about her as a friend and I hurt her by not being honest. I just wanted to give her a fake boyfriend that’d be the dream boyfriend she always wanted, because I care about her. But I didnt know it’d hurt her far more than being alone, and we might lose that friendship we once had..." "...also I AM DEAD and this is getting INFINATELY MORE DIFFICULT” (Also incidentally I was thinking the other male character actually is bisexual, I dont want to make any accidentaly ‘bisexuals are just in denial’ statement that I don’t actually believe, just cos I messed up writing this plot. Yknow??) BUT YEAH IT GETS DEPRESSING Cos he manages to come to peace with himself and apologise and repair his friendship with his ex-girlfriend, and maybe even start a bit of a relationship with this rival boy... and then he passes away. He has one big happy day for the first time in years since he died, he solves all of his lingering regrets, and everyone knows this means he won’t be able to remain in this world but it would be cruel to make him stay sad just so he stays here. And maybe a dramatic depressing argumentative episode where everyone actually considers doing that, just because they dont want to lose him a second time, but they have to accept that it isn’t right. And.. like.. the whole time ghost boy is trying to deny his feelings for rival boy, feeling like its a betrayal to want to date him. Its betraying his friend/ex-girlfriend, and its also betraying this man because he knows he cant be the perfect boyfriend he deserves. This time he knows its wrong to lie, and he cant do it again. He cant lie that he’ll be able to be there, he can’t lie that he can be just like a living person. They can’t even hold hands... So it started off with him trying to keep this boy away from his ex-girlfriend, and now its changed to him trying to force them to get together. Sometimes comical, sometimes depressing. He’s scared of leaving the two of them alone and lonely, and he’s convinced they totally have a spark there, even though the two of them have already talked it through and realized they’ve lost that spark, and he really wants to be with ghost boy. Like.. one of them doesn’t love her because he’s gay, one of them doesn’t love her because its just natural that even if you’re attracted to both men and women you won’t be attracted to every man and woman. And they both love her more as a friend and its so hard for them to actually attain that happy friendship because they’re now stuck trying to ship each other with her. BUT YOU’RE ALIVE, YOU COULD MAKE HER HAPPY! BUT YOU’RE HER OLD BOYFRIEND, HER TRUE LOVE!! An angst-filled love triangle that hopefully wouldnt be as annoying since all the angst is entirely new angst compared to the usual cliches! AND THEN IN THE ENDING HE PASSES AWAY AND WE ALL CRY It’s just him being able to make sure the two of them will be okay when he’s gone, and for the first time they can see his spirit and he’s this contented angelic figure that he was never able to be in life. And this love triangle just ends with two people alone who aren’t dating, but they’ve gone through all this character development and become happy in their own skin, and forged a friendship everlasting! So even though they’re left both loving and mourning the same man, they know they’ll be okay. They had their will to live restored by him, and they want to have a long and happy life so he’ll be happy if he’s still watching over them. Even if he could never have his happy ending. All they can do is hope that there’s some sort of afterlife, so he can have his chance to start a new life too, just like he gave them this new life... And even though both of them were unable to date this poor ghost boy and their relationship together didnt work out, its optimistic that this won’t be their last chance at love they’ll ever find. And it’ll be much easier to find happiness as long as they stick together as friends and act as the superb wingman that that ghost boy always was! And honestly even if they never find someone they love more than him, its not like life is only worthwhile if you have romantic love. The ghost was very happy that he could kiss the boy he had a crush on for the first and last time, but it was equally important that he was able to apologise to his best friend and become comfortable with his own identity. That’s what helped him pass on. And that’s what he hopes these two can find someday, even if they end up just as unlucky in love as he was... A very bittersweet tragicomedy, yeah. I dunno why I had this dumb idea aaaaa

#dumb random game ideas #aaaa #why am i crying over characters so undeveloped that theyre just called ghost boy regular boy and friend girl

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Naruto Shippuden S17

It’s ironic that Kakashi is criticizing the logic of Obito’s Hokage stone face plans when he wanted to keep his mask on when they were going to put his face up

Kakashi’s not even fighting back my poor baby

“These Leaf Shinobi, they all act so tough” YOU BET THEY DO

How has no one wondered where Tenzo is the duration of this whole war 

“Nine-Tails, you’re acting kind of like a captain” I can’t believe Kakashi is making friends with the creature who killed his sensei

I guess even massive demonic chakra animals need to rest sometimes

“I’ll make you Hokage inside this jutsu” Obito needs to stop trying to fulfill people’s dreams through murder

I am simultaneously so relieved and frightened that the Allied Shinobi Forces have finally arrived

Sakura my daughter goes straight to healing Kakashi as soon as she arrives I love her so much 

Logically Kakashi is the only one who stands a chance against Obito but I don’t think anyone wants to ask that of him

Ten-Tails is sporting quite a Look 

Jesus Christ haven’t Shikamaru and Ino been through enough

“Shikamaru and Ino’s fathers might say that as Shinobi they’re glad they died before their children” Neji is trying to comfort Naruto about a death that didn’t even happen to someone he loves

The Hyuga are so beautiful and dramatic bless them

I’m so concerned for Neji please don’t hurt him

NEJI NO

“You hold more than one life in your hands” Even Neji’s last words are about protecting Hinata RIP me but mostly RIP Neji fuck

But who is going to be Tenten’s old man husband 

Sasuke for once in your goddamn life please don’t make things worse

“It looks he’s a bit concerned... about Naruto” Even Orochimaru fucking knows about Naruto and Sasuke how much more Extra can they be

I’m not saying it means something that Ino says “optimistic love” and they cut from her thinking of Sasuke to her thinking of Sakura but  👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

“Which is why I keep telling myself, this time, I will protect them, but then I end up having to face the fact I couldn’t once more” Kakashi has tried so hard to protect everyone but especially his Baby Shinobi and everyone keeps kicking his heart in the ass

 Lee has lost his best friend oh no

Hinata’s so metal she just smacked Naruto’s shoulder back into place midair 

Fkfghdjfgkdfhg these cutaways are killing me always switching between Naruto and Sasuke after they’ve said something Gay

“Let’s go... to the place where all the secrets sleep” Orochimaru loves vague drama too like mentor like student

Sasuke misses the Leaf Itachi you woke up his little bitch heart bless you 

ARE WE GOING TO SEE THE HOKAGE COME TO THE BATTLE

MINATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

For once it’s actually unclear where Sasuke has made things worse or not but I’m very excited

“How, Mr. Orochimaru?” Minato’s so cute and polite event to his enemies

I love Hashirama he’s so beautiful and ridiculous 

“No clan feels deeper love than the Uchiha, and that’s why they suppressed and sealed it away” Tobimara has just summarized Sasuke’s entire life

Listen................. now that we know Uchiha power awakens because of love and Sasuke’s Sharingan awakened because of Naruto........ Sasuke’s love for Naruto is #exposed to the world

“I don’t care, for I am neither innocent nor a child” I mean at least one of those things is true

Sasuke is v bitter about everyone calling him ‘this child’

At this point who isn’t made of Hashirama’s cells it’s like [Oprah voice] “you get a skin graft, you get a skin graft, everybody gets a skin graft!”

Oh no I just realized Minato doesn’t know what Obito has become

Fdfghkjdfhgkfjhg Hashirama and Madara were so adorable 

“To make amends, I’ll let you throw me into the river” HASHIRAMA PLS

I’m not sure what I love more Hashirama’s depressive episodes or his unending snark 

Oh no poor little Senju what has he done except exist

“I considered Madara a gift from the divine” the gayest season of all bless

Madara and Hashirama decided to found a village like most kids decide to form a band

There are so many things which could serve as references to Tenzo but no one is trying to help him

I never expected to have so many feelings about Hashirama and Madara but here they are

[Hashirama as Flynn Rider voice]: Madara you were my new dream

Tobirama wants to propose democracy in a feudal state let’s be real man you created an oligarchy

Hashirama sits on top of his own face to meditate

All the Uchiha want is love and when they get it they’re like “no stop get away from me”

EVERY TIME:

Tobirama: Elder brother’s naivete

Hashirama: [soft indignant gasp]

If Sasuke’s doling out apologies for trying to murder his friends I can think of at least three people who VERY MUCH NEED IT

Madara is hyped af to see Hashirama he’s going wild with glee

Rin used to be a jinchuriki oh no “jinchuriki are treated the same way in every village” :(((

“I won’t be alone,” said Kakashi, before summoning nine puppies

Every time I think Kakashi’s life can’t get any sadder I am wrong

“This hole was opened up by this world of hell” jesus Obito you’re so dramatic

He’s just like Itachi trying to save everyone around him from themselves in the middle of a battle please don’t hurt this sweet and gentle man

I DEMAND that Kakashi live to see Sasuke change he needs this right now 

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THESE EPISODES ARE CALLED “HOLE” AND “SOMETHING TO FILL THE HOLE” WHO ALLOWED THIS WHO MADE THAT ACTUAL DECISION

Ten-Tails is completing with Orochimaru for grossest thing alive

“If we’re going to die anyway, we might as well die fighting” SAKURAAAAA

JKGFDKJGHFKJDHGDJHFKJ KURAMA LOVES MINATO

Why does Sasuke say “Sakura huh” as if hasn’t seen her for forty years it’s been like a few months at the most??

“I will become Hokage” SASUKE PLEASE

BOYFRIENDS AS CO-HOKAGE I LOVE IT SO MUCH

Literally everyone on this battlefield thinks Sasuke is Rosemary’s baby and Sakura and Naruto are just like “SASUKE IS OURS NOW GOODBYE”

Shino is so bitter about being ignored for three years that he’s loving the opportunity to make fun of Kiba

“Kiba, well I heard you loud and clear” Hinata sticks up for her bff’s unrealistic dreams

I was a little hesitant about Sasuke coming back to the village after listening to a story from the Hokage but fucking showing up in the middle of everything to declare he’s going to eventually run the village without even bothering to says sorry first is the most Sasuke thing to happen ever probably

I’m so glad Sakura stood up for herself and decided to fight with the boys 

It’s unsurprising that Sasuke’s first real smile in three years was because of an explosion

YASSSSSSSSSSSS SAKURA KDJGGKHFGHKJ TAKE THEM ALL ON

I think Sasuke finding out that Sakura could’ve killed him turns him on a little bit

I love it when Sakura makes boys frown it’s beautiful

Lmao @ Naruto and Sasuke checking each other out on the battlefield 

This is exactly what happens when you put a bunch of teens together they all start flirting and showing off even if it’s a war zone

Sasuke glancing at Sai: Listen bitch I have the monopoly on the dark-haired strategist on Team 7

NO ONE DOES DRAMA LIKE TEAM 7 MY BABIES

“He tried to kill me and it was irresistible” someone get Karin in therapy

I can’t believe the villains are having a weird-off contest

I understand Orochimaru even less than I ever have but I’m glad Gaara’s going to be okay

#ayesha liveblogs nahruto shipduden #ayesha talks anime #liveblogging #this was so gay and so beautiful #it just keeps getting better

[hopefulbangtan]

I’ll be your eyes (3) - Kim Taehyung fluff/angst

Masterlist (links to all previous chapters there!)

Y/N is a lonely 14 year old girl who is blind. She doesn’t have any friends until she gets a new neighbour, Kim Taehyung. Kim Taehyung shows her the world in hi own way. 

Y/N and Taehyung were on the phone for four hours that night, the call ending when Y/N admitted she was nearly falling asleep.

They talked about a lot, but no words were mentioned about Y/N’s ‘illness’ and she was happy for that. Very happy. Her friends in the past only had conversations about her past, and her inability to see. But, Taehyung, he sees through all that.

She goes to sleep feeling as light as a feather, and a smile coaxing her face.

In the morning, Y/n does her usual routine, and sat at the dinner table, waiting for her tutor to arrive. Once the tutor arrives, Y/N’s mind is on anything but the studying.

‘I wonder why Taehyung never mentioned my eyes. Perhaps he thought it was a sensitive subject. That’s actually really sweet of him. I wonder if he was told the full story, he might feel sorry for me. I hope he hasn’t been told the story, I know he’s my first friend in ages, but I don’t really feel comfortable with sharing this stuff just yet.

What if he knows, and he’s going to tell everyone at school? If he does I swear I’m not going to leave the house. I’ve had enough bullying from them school kids.’ Y/N’s mind tracks on, the words her tutor speaking not registering at all.

Once her tutor leaves at 3pm, Y/N sits messing with her phone. She jumps In surprise when it starts to ring in her hand. She answers it quickly.

“Hello?” She says, unsure.

“It’s just me. I wanted to come see you but mum wants me to unpack my room today- so do you just want to talk over the phone?” Tae’s voice called out

“Sure,” Y/N chuckles, she really hadn’t expected to hear from him until the evening.

“I met this guy in my year- he was so tiny ohmygod. He’s like 2 heads shorter than me, but I’m at least 90% sure he’s gay. He seems totally whipped for this boy a year below us- Jungkook. Oh and there’s Hoseok hyung, hes in the year above, he screams… a lot. Not like a casual scream, no. It’s a full on, ear drum splitting yell, he’s a pretty fun guy though.” Tae rambles, and Y/N can pretty much feel his happiness radiating through the phone.

“Screams of excitement?” Y/N laughs

“Yeah. And then he introduced me to Namjoon hyung, he’s really smart so he’s skipped a grade so hes actually 2 years above us. And then theres Yoongi hyung and Jin hyung who are in Namjoons year. Yoongi hyung seems to be quite… monotone? Plus I caught him sleeping at lunch. Jin hyung is really kind, everyone but Yoongi and Namjoon calls him Eomma.”

“I’m glad you’ve managed to create a nice circle of friends,”

“I want you to meet them one day. You must get lonely at home, alone all day.” Taehyung says, voice suddenly sadder.

“Ya! Don’t assume I’m always alone.”

Y/N takes a drink of water, but jumps when she hears a bang in her room.

“You hear that?” Tae laughed over the phone, while Y/N was still recovering. “That was me dropping a box, I think your room is next to mine”

Y/N sighed and laughed as she heard a series of knocks vibrate off of her back wall. She walks over slowly and knocks a couple of times. She hears a low laugh bounce off the walls- the walls must be thin. She laughs hard as she hears Tae shout bad jokes at the wall.

“To the guy who invented the letter zero- thanks for nothing!”

“Tae!” Y/N wheezed out as she doubled over laughing, he’s been making jokes for a good couple minutes now.

“I’ll stop now,” Tae laughs over the phone

“What’s your favourite colour?” Y/N suddenly asked, not that it mattered to her, she doesn’t remember colours.

“Green, dark green. What’s yours?” Tae seemed unfazed by the sudden question.

“Dark green,” Y/N smiled, not even the slightest clue what it looks like.

“Your mum’s nice, she was really kind to me last night,” Tae said, yawning.

“My…mum? She- She doesn’t live here,” Y/N’s voice shook slightly, and she was happy that Taehyung didn’t follow her up on it.

“I saw her yesterday? Uh- Jenny?”

“That’s my dad’s secretary, she comes over sometimes.” Y/N breathes out, laying on her bed.

“Oh. Where does your mum live?” Tae asked, voice so innocent.

“It’s a secret,” Y/N’s heart throbbed as she said this, she wasn’t ready to talk about it to him.

“Oh” Taehyung said, surprised. “Damn- my tea’s ready- talk later?”

“Sure,” Y/N smiled

Y/N put down her phone but stayed laid in bed, she could hear Tae talking to himself. The walls between their houses really are thin, which is strange… all the other walls in the house are really thick- like her dad is in the room opposite hers but even when she has her door open (and his is closed) she can’t hear him no matter how loud he shouts.

She lays for a small while in bed, letting her mind wander on what Taehyung looks like. With a voice that deep and manly, she can imagine him with a manly face and sharp jawline. She wonders if he’s tall, she hasn’t touched him or stood close enough to be able to tell if he’s taller or shorter than her.

He seems childish, fun. A nice to change to her old friends who were quite glum and pessimistic. Y/N may have only known Taehyung for a day, but already she’s feeling better than she has in years, she can see them becoming close.

_ _

The next week passed slowly. With Tae only just moving in, he didn’t visit because of all the unpacking he had to do. He called her everynight though, and they talked about the usual stuff- like his school (and loud friends there), puns, and small stories from Tae’s time in his old town. Their conversations only lasted upto an hour each night, they’d both be way too tired to carry on talking for long.

“Y/N! I’m doing a night shift tonight. I know you don’t like being home alone so I was going to ask Jenny but she’s busy…” Y/N’s dad came and sat next to her on her bed the next Friday night.

“Oh…” Y/N trailed off.

“So- I asked if Taehyung could stay over. He’s a lovely boy, I see him every morning because we both leave at the same time… And his parents are going out tonight so it works out perfectly.” Y/N’s dad said, somewhat cheerfully.

“Taehyung, staying over?” Y/N said to herself, unsure what to think.

“Look, I know it may seem off because you don’t know him, and he’s a teenage boy. But his parents are so lovely, and so is he. But still, if anything happens, you can ring Carol from across the road,” Y/N’s dad started to sound a bit uncertain with himself.

Of course, leaving your blind (and beautiful) 14-year-old daughter, with a 14-year-old boy who you don’t know well is dangerous, anyone could see that. But, Y/N’s dad isn’t at all good with these type of parenting situations.  Once his wife died, he was thrown blindly into this new world of responsibility. And, he has too much trust in the world. Y/N’s mother never would have let her, at a young age, go for walks on her own. Her dad did though.

Y/N’s dad told her that he’d be leaving in an hour, and Taehyung would be arriving at the same time. Y/N excuses herself as she makes her way to the bathroom. Once there, she closes the door and feels her way to the shower, turning the handle that turns it on. She quickly gets undressed and puts her clothes into the wash basket.

Y/N sighs in content as the hot water washes over her. After a few minutes, she feels on the shelf in the shower until she finds the bottle which has ‘shampoo’ written on in braille. She applies it to her hair, washes it off, and then does the same with her conditioner. After ten more minutes in the shower, she steps out and wraps a fluffy towel around her.

She made her way to her tidy bedroom and got changed into black high waisted jeans and a baggy white button up shirt. She dried her hair with her hairdryer then pulled it into a messy bun, feeling around to check that it was secure and that she hadn’t missed any bits. She puts on her socks and then carefully makes her way downstairs.

“I’ll be going now- Tae’ll be over any minute now. I’ve told him not to bother knocking and just to come straight in,” Y/N’s dad said as he wrapped his arms around his daughter.

“Goodbye dad, have fun,” Y/N said cheerily as she heard him close the front door.

Y/N sighed and sat on the sofa, feeling around until she found the remote. She switched on the TV and idly flipped through channels. She wasn’t paying much attention to anything until she felt the sofa dip next to her. Causing her to jump in her seat and swear.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Tae. You scared me.” She instantly recognised his aftershave.

“Sorry,” He said, voice amused.

Y/N chuckled and shook her head, she passed the remote to Taehyung and insisted that he picked what they had on the television. He took the remote with thanks and she could hear him hum to himself as he flicked through channels. She heard the familiar ‘friends’ theme song play, and then heard Tae clap to the song gleefully.

“Yah! You’re supposed to clap at the clappy bit!” Tae complained

“Taehyung, I swear you’re a three-year-old!” Y/N laughed and hit him on the shoulder playfully.

“A sexy three-year-old.” Taehyung teased.

“Oh god. Please don’t use the word ‘sexy’ and ‘three-year-old’ ever again” Y/N cringed

“I didn’t think that through, oh god,” Taehyung cringed at himself.

There were a few seconds of silence before they both burst into laughter, doubling over and clutching their stomachs. Tae fell from the sofa from laughing so much, and Y/N was laid full out on the sofa, face scrunched up and chest aching.

After a good 5 minutes, the laughter died down and the room was left nearly silent (friends was still on, just buzzing in the background). Both of the teens’ breathing was heavy, and Tae had to wipe the tears that had fallen.

“It wasn’t even that funny,” Y/N mused

“My stomach hurts from laughing,” Tae complained

Tae held out his hand for a high five, he remained like that for a few seconds. He then stared at Y/N expectantly. She was staring straight at him, gleeful smile plastered on her face. But to him, even though she was looking at him, he was having a feeling as though she was just staring straight behind him. She excused herself, to go get a drink.

Tae’s smile faltered when he watched her close her eyes.

And then his stomach flipped when she felt around the sofa.

He bit his bottom lip when she felt around the floor with her foot, checking for obstacles.

He felt his chest tighten as she walked to the kitchen, hand tracing on the wall.

His heart beat echoed in his ears as he followed her in there.

His mouth dried as he watched her feel her way to the fridge.

“That poor girl, oh that poor little girl” He’d heard his mother say that to his dad the morning after he’d first met Y/N. He didn’t want to ask what she was on about because she was having a deep conversation with his dad. He just assumed it was a client.

It made sense. How had he been such an idiot?

Tae’s heart dropped and guilt washed over him like a tidal wave.

Without a second thought, he walked over to the girl and enveloped her in a bear hug. She let out a small squeal of surprise but then chuckled and wrapped her arms around Tae. No words were exchanged for a few minutes, the both just stood there completely silent.

The pure guilt he felt was more than enough to make him dizzy. He’s known this girl for just over a week, talked to her every day, and yet he failed to notice that she was fucking b l i n d. He wants to slap himself silly.

“Shall we take your bag upstairs? The guest room is next to mine,” Y/N pulled away from the hug and gave Taehyung a smile.

Taehyung agreed and picked up his bag from where he had left it on the kitchen counter. Now that he realised the truth about Y/N, he kept his eyes glued to her at every moment, cautious. He trailed behind her upstairs, and she felt along the dips of the wall. They passed a white door, and then at the white door after that, Y/N stopped in her tracks.

They entered the monochromic room. The walls, painted black and white. The double bed, black leather, and the bedsheets a dull cream colour. There’s a desk, a wardrobe, and a set of drawers. Tae sets his bag on the bed and lays back.

“Do you want to come to my room to chill? It’s just- I’m more familiar with everything In there…” Y/N said, leaning against the wall.

“Course,”

When they entered Y/N’s room, Tae’s eyes first drifted to Y/N’s bed, where there were 3 different alpaca plushies. One of them a light mocha shade (matching the walls), another that’s white (matching the furniture), and then a dark teal one (the colour of the bedsheets). Tae picked one up, commenting how cute they are.

“So cute~ If I buy one, we can be matching.” Tae commented, sitting down on the bed.

“Are you on about the alpacas? They were a gift from my father’s secretary.” Y/N chuckled.

“The colours go well with your room,” Tae commented, then cringed at himself. “Shit! Sorry that probably sounded insensitive, ‘cause you can’t see colo-“

“Taehyung, its fine! Speak comfortably.” Y/N chuckled and sat in her desk chair.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Tae asked after glancing at the TV, which was covered in a thin layer of dust. He then cringed at himself because Y/N can’t exactly ‘watch’.

“Frozen! I really want to watch frozen. I listened to the trailer for it once, and I don’t really have anyone to enjoy movies with..” Y/N spoke up excitedly, like a child, but her voice trailed off at the end.

Tae got up and dusted off the TV, and then both of the teens laid on the double bed while Taehyung scrolled through Netflix to look for the film. Once it was on, Taehyung spent the entire movie explaining what was happening (he wasn’t even asked, he just did it).

“The rooms kinda dim. And Anna’s laid on a sofa now, she’s shivering and shaking- Olaf is at the other side of the room. The rooms spacious- and there’s a fire on.” Tae explained and Y/N nodded along smiling.

Once the movie finished, the both chatted on for a small while about the film

“It’s only 6. Want to go for a walk?” Tae suggested, and Y/N couldn’t bring herself to say no to him.

The two put on their shoes, and Tae shyly asks about her cane as they are about to leave the house. Y/N scoffs and closes the door ‘Cane? Never use it’. They both decided to have a stroll around the park. Y/N insisted that she can walk fine without any assistance, that she’s walked to, and around the park dozens of times.

They don’t talk as they walk to the park, just enjoying the tranquillity of the autumn air. Y/N goes to speak, then stops herself, closing her mouth and scrunching up her brows. Taehyung pretended not to notice and the two carried on walking until they reached the park. They don’t talk until they decide to sit down on a bench near the lake in the park. Y/N does it again, closing and opening her mouth, teetering between wanting to say something, and then thinking better of it and staying quiet.  

“What is it?” Taehyung asked, peering at her curiously.

“Nothing, its just- don’t be worried about offending me, okay? Today you’ve just seemed especially troubled about it,” Y/N said, and once she had, her shoulders relaxed.

“Well,” Tae said embarrassed, “I- I didn’t know you were um- blind. I only realised earlier in the kitchen- I’m really, really sorry,”

Y/N stayed silent for a moment and turned to where (she thought) Tae was (she facing too much to the left but Tae didn’t want to humiliate or correct her, so he quietly moved around in his seat so she was facing him). Taehyung then looked down guiltily. Before he could explain himself further, Y/N burst into fits of laughter.

“Oh my god, Taehyung” She breathed out through waves of laughter. “That’s so funny. You’re so oblivious, like a three-year-old,”

“I thought you were mad,” Taehyung breathed out in relief

“Well, I take it as a compliment. Just goes to show that I can look normal, not some blind freak,” Y/N said, laughter finally died off. “I hope you don’t think any ill of me because of it,”

Y/N was suddenly paler as she realised, when they talked to comfortably to each other over the phone, it was because he thought she was normal, and now he knows, he’s just sticking to her because of guilt. Y/N suddenly feels like she’s going to be sick.

“Ya!” He calls out, offended. “Don’t call yourself that! Because you’re blind doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

Y/N feels tears springing to her eyes, and then Tae wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to his side.

Tae didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t believe how Y/N saw herself.  The words ‘blind freak’ stuck to him. And it pained him to think that she was worried of him leaving her because of her disability. How had she been treat in the past to allow her to think like this? It made Taehyung mad.

He then started to question himself- ‘why am I caring so much about someone Ive known a week?’

But then Y/N smiles and its as bright as the sun, and he knows exactly why.

Next chapter out soon!

#bts #hopefulbangtan #hopefulbangtan ill be your eyes #kim taehyung #kim seokjin #kim namjoon #jung hoseok #park jimin #jeon jungkook #min yoongi #bts v #bts suga #bts rap monster #rap monster #agust.d #bts jin #bts jimin #bts jungkook #bts jhope #bts v angst #kim taehyung angst #kim taehyung fluf #kim taehyung smut #kim taehyung blind #taetae #min yoongi fluff #min yoongi smut #jeon jungkook smut #park jimin smut #kim seokjin smut

[confringo-]

“Hoodie” by Hey Violet, in the Form of a Sad Blog about a Boy

I HE WAS A BOY, I WAS A BOY, CAN I MAKE IT MORE OBVIOUS?

I made a point about this same thing in my thesis “novel” about how having a straight crush is hard, but having a gay crush is even harder. (Insert penis joke here.)  It’s not funny, but I find it worth nothing that this thought I’m giving is also in blog form in my story. Here goes: 

Straight crushes are easy because you can just say Eh, they’re straight, I’ve got no chance. They’ll never find me attractive. It’s not in the realm of possibility. With a gay (or in my case, Bi) crush, it’s within the realm of possibility but it’s not in the realm of MY possibility, you know what I mean? He’s gay but he still doesn’t like me back and that’s the woRST. Does this mean I am NOT ATTRACTIVE to anyone??!?!??! 

Now, I did blog about this once upon a dream, but let me reiterate for the people in the back. Mo is my happy crush. I’ve accepted the fact that we will never be together and that’s OKAY. It’s FINE. We’re FRIENDS and he’s not being weird about how infatuated I am with him. He’s a cool dude. 

However, I’m going to be sad about Mo today because I’M ALLOWED TO BE. I’m ALLOWING myself to do this. If I do, I’ll explode and I don’t like exploding. I need to diffuse. We work together. I need to not pent all this up. 

So yeah, I’m sad about this. I’m gonna let me sad about this. Let’s talk about Hoodie by Hey Violet. (Listen to their song Fuqboi, it’s really funny.) 

Hoodie is a straightforward song. There’s no room for interpretations, really, because it’s about this hoodie that this person has from their ex that they still haven’t let go. There’s a lot of emotion in the lead’s voice. There’s a lot of imagery and sensations all through out. Tactile, Olfactory, Sight. Almost always, it’s sight and hearing. I love tactile imagery. Anyway. Straightforward.

Now, I couldn’t help but add my own layer on top of it. I have never had a boyfriend or anything approximating one in my entire life. Okay, maybe there was this one time but it was a long time ago. I digress. I shouldn’t be able to relate this song to myself. I should only be able to relate it to ships. 

The first time I started feeling something for Mo, like really feel something other than surface attraction, was when he lent me his hoodie. GASP. This is where you gasp. 

I had left mine. The office was cold, he was not. I wore it and I felt that familiar tingle of a crush before the crush part becomes literal. Since then, feelings just grew and we’ve talked about it and he’s told me it’s never going to happen because we’re friends (more on that later) and I went through my aforementioned acceptance. 

Today, I was feeling emo about it. I started thinking about how I should stop liking him. It’s getting upsetting and I’m spending so much time to be around him that I’ve got no time to do what I need to do, like my GODDAMN HOMEWORK IM A FUCKING GRAD STUDENT. 

But there’s always something so beguiling with a queer crush. It’s the potential attainability. This is where the song comes in. You know how you’re in a cab and you’re playing music and you feel like listening to this one song OVER AND OVER AND OVER again? Yup. 

The song’s great but let me focus on the chorus.

I'm still rocking your hoodie And chewing on the strings

I don’t think I’ve ever worn another boy’s hoodie before. Or at least, never in a significant way. Honestly, I think this crush cropped up because I was lonely. It doesn’t really matter now why this is here in my chest, just that it is. 

No matter what, that hoodie is still on me. Every time I look at Mo and hang around Mo and cling on Mo, it’s there. And I’ve romanticized sweaters for so long that I couldn’t not feel things when he lent it to me. I screwed myself over. 

This hoodie is on me. It is ON ME and I can’t get it off. I don’t want to get it off. As much as I want to, I don’t want to. If I could wear that sweater and hug it to myself for a long time, I’d do it. In some ways, I am. It’s so silly when we’re told no, we fight for a yes. JEEZ NOT IN THE ASSAULT WAY but like...in the kid way. Like no you can’t have another cookie, no don’t eat the batter, no you can’t stay up past bed time and you’re like BUT IM A BIG BOY NOW I WANNAAAAA. 

This blog is really going downhill. You get my point, right? 

It makes me think about you So I wear it when I sleep

I used to do this thing when I was saddER than I am now where I’d hold my own hand and pretend it was someone else. Then I’d put a pillow behind me so I’d feel like I’m being spooned. I do that sometimes with Mo. Thankfully, it’s not as often as one would think. I’m too busy thinking about what I didn’t do to think of Mo before I sleep. It happens sometimes. I think of him more when I’m around him so this might be a proximity thing. 

But the hoodie here, again, is something that I can’t shake. The hoodie is the thought of Mo and I think of Mo often. Do I wear this crush when I sleep? No, but I wear it when I’m doing other subconscious things like when I walk from home. When I’m at the office, hoping he’d initiate instead of me initiating. When I see him see other guys. When I listen to the songs he tells me to listen to. When I daydream. 

I kept the broken zipper And cigarette burns

I like this one because I toiled over it while listening to the song because YAS. 

The broken zipper. Even though it’s never going to work out, I’m still trying to keep it alive. Also, he’s a broken boy. We’re both broken boys but we were broken in different ways, though our pieces kinda match. I think I like that we could share sadness. 

The cigarette burns. Every time I remember that I’m just his friend, it kinda stings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be his friend. I like being his friend. But I think I’m just being his friend because I like him as well. Like we have chances of friendship activities because I’m always like OMG LET’S HANGOUT PLS SO I CAN STARE AT U. These burns don’t last of course. They’re just OW for a second then you’re like eh, it’ll be fine. But the stains are there. Smudges and holes and the smell. 

And like everything sucks but this hoodie is cute and romanticized so everything is fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. You know? 

I kept it even though it sucks because it’s the closest thing I could probably have to a relationship. Mo lets me drape myself over him and tell him how cute he is without feeling like I’m overstepping boundaries. Because we’re friends, he said. And I’m like. YOU STABBED ME. But it’s ok. it doesn’t work. It experienced a lot of burns BUT 

Still rocking your hoodie Baby, even though it hurts

I was having a tough day today. Mo and I had lunch together so I was like heyyyy. Then there’s this company party this Saturday. He talked about how he wasn’t going to go home after that party without getting laid. I hastily volunteered my consent and he was still No. 

For some reason, this just punched me some typa way that I am now spiraling down this blog and drinking wine straight from a bottle. 

I cannot. Even after he got back with his ex TWICE and another ex ONCE. I cannot bear the thought of him having sex after that party with someone who isn’t me. 

I guess this is my fault. I had hoped. HOPED, WHAT A FOOL I WAS. That at this party, our inhibitions would be loose enough that hey maybe Mo could like Joey back. But it hadn’t even crossed his mind. I don’t think it ever did. He wasn’t mean about it, which made it worse. I wish he would be mean about it so I could hate him and move on. 

I’m such a non-entity in his love life and this is becoming unhealthy. 

I don’t want to keep wearing this hoodie. I don’t want have a crush on him anymore. 

I remember this podcast where someone was like How to get out of Friendzone or some shit and like the advice given was like If this is hurting u, then stop being their friend. Like take care of yourself. 

And I’m like READY to do that. 

I’m honestly barely friends with him. I’m barely friends with anyone at the office. I think this one girl hates me, though I don’t know why. That’s beside the point. My point is, it should be easy to revert to coworkers. 

I told myself too. Long before. Never treat your coworkers as friends. They are not your friends. And I failed. I guess I want to be their friend but they don’t want to be mine. Mo’s kinda the friendliest but I admit. I admit, we wouldn’t be friends if I wasn’t so attracted to him. 

So I think that’s where we’re going here. That’s the decision I’m making. I’m unfriending him the way I’m unfriending everyone at the office. I’m going back to my old routine. Stick to my writing. Don’t go out on breaks. Just stick to where I am, when I am, then go home as soon as I can. 

Because it doesn’t matter anymore. I have friends of my own. Good friends. Friends that aren’t reliant on the office. Friends who I know truly care for me in the way that those people in the office do not actually. 

Or maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m the asshole. I’m the one who is putting walls up. 

Goddamn it. I want them higher. I want my moat deeper. I don’t actually need them to function in a social sense. They’re fun. I can have fun with them. I can be nice and respectful and joke around but at the end of the day they would much rather hang out with anyone else than with me. And that’s fine. I’ve come to accept. Mo broke me down with his charm and his puppy expression and his kindness. I had told him he was my friend. 

But...I can’t. I’m selfish. We only hung out because I wanted it. 

I can’t ask for more, I shouldn’t ask for more. 

I feel like such an asshole assuming all of these on people I don’t know that well. They might be really nice people. Kind people. Friendly people. Who think of me as a friend. Maybe I’M the one who they think is not their friend. 

What a mess. What a mess... 

Still, the decision is clear. We are no longer friends. It hurts too much to be friends with people you don’t feel like they’re proper friends. 

#Joey's diary