#literally the exact same shit. you dont like it? other people do and their moneys as green as yours | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

samarecharm · 18 days

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i love makoto so much but fanon does her so much better (the good parts of the fandom) because in the game her character is so lack luster. they butchered her confidant it is so borning and not even about her. they made her a cop. A COP. they pushed this "canon waifu" role onto her (before sumire came along and did it Even Worse). and it SUCKS because SHE IS SO MUCH MORE!!! SHE IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!! SHE COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER!!! the way i feel about canon makoto is the same way i feel about the canon ryuji events post komoshida where he's horribly mistreated and used purely as comic relief: i ignore them <3 my game now <3 never happened <3 my ocs <3

You are so right. I generally apply this to all characters in p5 bc the game does such a shit job of staying consistent with character arcs and personalities. Theres a desperate need to throw in perverse jokes at the expense of female characters and a need to show that the police (as a whole) are reliable people who are not influenced by things like money and power; only the BAD cops do that. Not to mention this obvious fatphobia and homophobia but i feel likes thats a given.

But back to Makoto. Shes a victim of bad writing just like everyone else. Ryuji during the kamoshida arc was fighting with self loathing and genuine anxiety, and aside from the like. One comment on Panthers outfit in the metaverse, hes more than well behaved. All of that is shelved as soon as Kamoshida is gone and replaced with him being weird comic relief (and the focus of alot of sexual jokes that were nonexistent in the beginning of the game). Anns arc about self love and empowerment is completely dropped as soon as the nasty bad guy is put away (so that its good to be weird about her w the Good Guys). Makoto loses her a chunk of her personality to be the mature waifu which is INSANE to me bc shes like. Not okay or normal at all 😭😭😭 she THINKS shes responsible and so does everyone else on her team, but its an act! She doesnt know shit! And she doesnt know that she doesnt know shit bc shes respectful and adults dont care about anything as long as u respect them!

Its very telling that for literally every single thief (and goro), you can see the exact moment the writers gave up on adding anything of worth to their characters outside of the social links. Its like they didnt know what to even do w the characters at their disposal after their main arcs were complete. No mention of friends hanging out without you, no mention of having group hangouts. Everyone is treated as a core, important member of the friend group DURING their arc, but outside of it, they are acquaintances at best. Theres nothing in the game that convinces you that these guys are legitimately friends who care for each other and do Friend Things. And i describe it like that bc there IS a game that treats them all as friends, and its strikers! Strikers/Scramble genuinely feels like the game p5 wanted to be; a road trip w your team where they stay up at night talking to each other and hanging out and doing things together that dont necessarily include you, the player. Its refreshing and lovely but it sucks that u get that kind of attention to detail in a ‘spinoff’ title

#chattin #i hesitate to use spinoff bc its a pretty big game #and theres an amazing plot with wonderful characterization #and their handling of jails and jail owners is LEAGUES better than the bs they tried to make up w palace users #and all the thieves feel like family. and not in the annoying fandom way; like #were family in the same way a family is forged and tended to. i love you. no one is left behind. no one is made to feel inferior another #its really good and honestly if u want more interactions between everyone i really recommend a playthrough #but yeah #p5 sucks #i love it but i love the version of it i made in my head LMAO #maybe p5r did a better job w the dialogue and some questionable scenes #(i wouldnt know. i didnt play it lol)#so maybe thats what people need to be using as a point of reference #but i only plyed p5 so this is what i have; a group of people who show up for meetings and then go about their life #and that kinda sucks. why make this wholly unique experience in which these teens can only relate to each other #make them bonded over their shared experience w this unbelievable world #and then not only make them NOT interact; but have the end be ‘okay by akira.’ and leave it at that #they just. didnt know what to do w anyone #they needed their girls to be waifubait and the boys to be an afterthought #they needed a buffet of older woman for pathetic men to fuck through their self insert #and they needed a story convoluted enough to keep people stuck trying to figure it out themselves #its bad. its so bad. its so fucking bad. but i have to be here. WE have to be here.#bc who else is going to take these characters out of hell and treat them right ??!!!

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omi-papus · 1 year

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AU I GUESS???

I guess I finally did that thing I wanted where I came up with an AU but its literally just, Everything is exactly the same, except Robin somehow gets back home, and Al-An somehow just ends up as fucking Xenoworks employee. Like hes not human, hes the exact same bitch, but through some bullshit he just works with the Xenoworks crew now, for no real reason, most of the work is entierly beneath him, but hes just there cause Robins likes it. Lowkey miserable but I mean hes less depressed than as a cube in water hell, or a dead planet (They confirm architect world is just offed somehow dont ask me)

Robins bs got leaked to the world somehow and also the stuff with the bacterium and Sam, (they didnt get the stuff about Al-An though) and it gave Alterra such a bad reputation that they just dumped Xenoworks to rot. So like... I mean its back I guess???

So now they operate a reaserch team with about four people and an Alien with a budget of like three dollars. And Robin somehow thinks this is great.

Al can talk to Robin telepathically, and they both have to hide from Altera, since Robin is wanted by the state and Al-An is generally better off outside the spotlight. Girl will still insist on going out to scan shit.

It is exeedingly clear to everyone that the two 4546b survivors are fucking and there is absoluetly nothing they can do about it. Robin gets judged endlessly but she is utimately the only one getting laid, and they all know it.

Al-An only bonds with Cal because they both turn out to find talking shit about Robin surprisingly theraputic. They love her, but like you know how she is.

Robin and Cal share EVERY SINGLE account they have. Twitter, Spotify, probably life insurance, all of it. Porn sites included, and yes they absolutely use that as blackmail but are too lazy to make separate accounts.

Any semblance of money they get instantly evaporated into custom clothes for Al-An. The outfit and the person who insists on getting it changes but Al-An always claims to be forced into it despite doing absolutely nothing to stop it.

They live in a dark, beaten down bunker in buttfuck nowhere, and spend half their time just making sure the damn place dosent colapse.

Robin technically has a room but exclusively sleeps wherever Al-An is, so she more or less lives in the lab. Its actually a very common ucurrance to accidentally pull something out of her underwear drawer instead of the sample cabinet right next to it.

They use the architect ship for everything and have to constantly paint it diferently to pass off as some other type of spaceship to get somewhere.

Both Robin and Al-An claim constantly to never want to go into the ocean again, but they just have to hear about a fat cute fish or anything glowing vaguely green and theyre already on the ocean floor.

#I could not be bothered to spell check this #al-an #al-an x robin #robin ayou #subnautica #subnautica below zero #AU #Xenoworks #xenoworx AU

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yrbshay · 3 months

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Think of law of assumption like everything is already written out for you. You’re gonna get good grades, or the car you want or financial freedom etc bc it’s already written and it’s done. Affirmations and scripting are just ways to REMIND yourself what IS true. Affirmations change nothing bc it is already done!! It’s already written out. Your mind knows before you even speak that that’s what is true. It’s having faith. Be consistent and dedicated and disciplined.

Mental diet is LITERALLY what it means. You know that if you are going on a proper diet it helps you become healthier and lose weight. It’s guaranteed. People struggle with dicipline when they don’t see the results they want immediately. I personally can speak because I used to give up on diets so quick. Once I started being diciplined and consistent I lose a ton of weight and it felt like all at once. Well mental diet is no different. And it actually works faster than a regular diet but you need to shift your focus to HOW you think and perceive things and less on the manifesting part. Your desires will come with a strong mental diet.

Law of assumption takes literlaly REWIRING your brain and training it do do something different than what’s it’s used to. We are used to speaking negatively and having negative beliefs bc that’s just how society taught us. Unlearn bad habits and replace them with good ones. It is a complete lifestyle and it makes you view your whole life differently. The scripting, affirmations, stats etc. are literally just tools to help you. They aren’t the cause of why you got what you want. YOU we’re the cause. Your mindset and thoughts about yourself. It’s how you essentially view how your life is written out.

Also Law of assumption is just a term. It is a real thing. I am getting my degree in psychology and it has been proven to me multiple times that your perception and beliefs of life is literally what you see in your reality it literally molds and shapes it.

The Bible also has so much more on these same exact concepts but I feel like in more depth. I would love to speak on it more because I’m tried and true to my faith and in god but I know people hold negative assumptions toward that… but all I’m saying is wisdom is a powerful thing. So I will leave you with these simple basic concepts and hopefully you can understand more about “law of assumption” or basically just how life works lmaooo.

It’s not hard girlies(and men). Like at all. You don’t need coaching. (ThAts why I don’t offer it anymore and I just answer questions at no cost bc this shit is so easy and it doesn’t have to cost money. Id only be robbing you bc that is a just a crutch to lean on. Oh I need coaching. You DONT need coaching. I get people need to make a living but it’s completely unnecessary. There’s no secret behind coaching at all and it is very much a crutch. I have a tip jar but it isn’t required at all and yes most ppl don’t tip but that’s okay bc I love teaching.) You don’t need new affirmations. You guys rely on that shit too much and tbh you will never get it if you don’t realize it’s not affirming its literllay your whole mindset. Affirmations just help your confidence but aren’t the sole reason behind why you can manifest. I gonna write down some success stores so hopefully you guys will be motivated bc I was after I heard them from my friends, husband, people I’ve helped.

I’m not saying affirmations don’t help at all or stats bc they for sure help so much bc you don’t give time for your mind to think negatively. BUT what I am saying is people hold the belief that what they are doing wrong is not saying affirmations enough of they are saying it wrong. IT IS LITERALLY YOUR MINDSET that you need to fix . Not affirmations. They are just tools. Like I said you have to view life like this is already written out & this is how it’s gonna go. It literally can’t go any other way because that’s just the law and there’s no changing it. But there is changing your mindset to match how your life is gonna go. The reason it goes differently is because you believe that that’s how your life is.

Imma wrap it up. Happy manifesting because this isn’t hard and stop capping like you don’t know you will literally receive your desires immediately because that’s just how your life is written out.

Reminder: DMS are open where you can ask questions for FREE.

#law of assumption #loassblog #manifesting #manifesation #self concept #master manifestor #manifestation blog #manifest with me

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autisticiyami · 4 months

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crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room. a rubber room. a rubber room filled with rats. th

LISTEN TO MY AUTISM-INDUCED HEADCANONS BOY. i think about him a criminal amount i have his entire life planned out to fit with that ososan repainted idea i never did anything with that goes along with 80skun. do u see the vision. no? well ill show u. welcom to my freaking twisted evil mind. rant incoming.

also im gona be hopefully updating this semi-frequently as i draw more stuff and actually feel like explaining stuff. this post will be my Iyami Autism Diary now.

i dont have specific sources on any of these rn bc im writing this on my computer and also bc its probably something i saw once and didnt bother to save or anthing so. bear with me here.

-baby iyami. loveless child. born by a mother who always knew she would be better off without him and sharing the sibling moniker with an unironic sociopath older brother. emotionally neglected and naturally socially inept due to autism, along with like.. looking like that. you know he was torn to shred by everyone. japanese kids are RUTHLESS his entire elementary/middle school experience was getting his face dragged across the concrete and his lunch money stolen. i imagine he starts to become rlly jaded and outwardly mean as a defense mechanism in like 2nd/3rd grade, finally realizing that this shit isnt all sunshines and rainbows lil bro and that no one likes him. he went to school with both honkan and kaoru, honkan he would always get into scuffles with but kaoru was like the only kid that ever genuinely attempted to be nice to iyami. read: attempted. because iyami has bpd at the ripe age of 7 and a half and screams at him whenever hes around for no reason other than that hes really scared of him being a genuinely kind person. hes a fucked up kid in a fucked up situation surrounded by nothing but apathy and misunderstanding of how he works and thinks and wants. the scar on his face comes from an incident with his older brother who i imagine got so mad at him one time that he chased iyami around with a knife threatening to slit his throat open. luckily (or probably more unluckily) he just sliced the side of his face open. that was the first and last time that iyamis mother actually worried for him. and by "worried" i mean get mad at both of them for fucking around like that and then not taking iyami to get stitches because "he'd be fine."

-iyami's highschool experience is. slightly less horrific. mostly because hes kinda just accepted that everyone in the whole world hates him and at some point realized he should just live out of spite to piss everyone else off. he never really had any career dreams mostly since the only career he realistically could have was wage slave in the city, which would be like sending him to death row for him. due to his autism and prolonged abuse from all sides, hes become kind of an expert at knowing how people work, though he doesnt necessarily understand any of it. he realizes that he would much rather be a backpeddler on the streets than a corporate slave, so when hes kicked out at like 16/17 for being literally just a curseon his mother at that point hes right out there trying to charm his way into any way to make money. first couple years were difficult, i imagine he just. didnt finish highschool due to being homeless immediately. he always had a kickass sense of style though, and maybe bc he was younger he managed to pull off charm much more successfully. honestly i dont have too many any specific ideas ab this era sowwy... bc it kinda just exists as "the part before chibita" which speaking of

-his twenties and thirties is spent like the exact same way. like the autism is strong in this one hes very content with just being the worst. but thats only because he literally sees no other way for him to live because its all hes been offered to do by life. quite fucked up! but that leaves him with a great optimism and positive "nothing in life matters!!!!" attitude. i actuallyyyyy dont know exactly how to span this next part.... but i was thinking that he met chibita when the kid was around 6 and iyami was 30. iyami just kind of... adopts him? as a weird sort of nephew. but at the same time iyami is in a perpetual state of childishness so sometimes chibita is like the parent/uncle to iyami. theyre so strange. but speaking of iyamis childishness Yeah theres some side effects of prolonged neglect and trauma since first memory surprisingly!! iyami kind of aged backwards, having to mature early to try and protect himself and keep some level of sanity, he was never really treated like a kid especially not by mother and brother or even other kids. now that he's an actual adult his brain has sort of flipped over, now stuck in a weird area of feigning immaturity in every situation that isnt immediately "life-threatening" in his eyes. all that to say that iyami is agere and is basically regressed somewhat at all times and it just varies depending on the situation.

but yeah this era. a couple years after meeting chibita he ships himself off to the city suddenly hoping to be able to make something happen there Kind of an early mid-life crisis moment. and boy it is not great! this part is where i dump the rest of trauma on him but you dont get to hear that. something something tougou's crime ring. after like a bit under a year he ends up coming back and... HOLY FUCK IS THAT A REFERENCE TO THE FIRST EPISODE OF OSOMATSU-KUN 1988??? you bet your sorry ass it is. im literally so smart they shouldve hired me to make ososan dude.

-osokun '88 era happens ig?? his old situationship behated kaoru is a cop now apparently and he's stationed right in iyami territory. quite awkward! kaoru doesnt particularly like him 1 because like. cop/criminal dichotomy first of all. 2 because iyami was a cunt to him and honkan for seemingly no reason their entire childhood and 3 iyami seems to have a really weird complex of being mean and hating kaoru currently but also obviously going out of his way to get in kaoru's way. quite immature! i explained why that is though. kaoru in his infinite sweetnes though eventually just kinda feels bad for the dude because its kinda just pathetic at this point and also because he DOES know that iyami is actually a super cute sweet guy because there was one (1) time where as a kid iyami let his guard down around kaoru and played with him at his house after school just to be completely ripped to shreds literally and figuaratively by his classmates the next day when kaoru was acting super friendly with him and iyami just kinda blamed him for it for like 20 years. VERY pathetic! but he was like 9 dude. kaoru understands this and kinda just... lets iyami wreak havoc more than he would other people partly bc he still thinks hes pretty silly.

i have a whole big episode idea of the two getting together and probably hundreds of headcanons and ideas about the two together but tbh?? im gonna spare you and keep it as paraphrased as i can manage for both of our sanities. but watch me go back and edit this post or make a new one just infodumping ab everything about them.

but like yeah ig events happen. hey do u remember iyami's "daughter" who is actually his niece because there is no fucking way in any reality that this guy has procreated?? well she comes in sometime around here becasue her father (still an untreated aspd) kind of doesnt give a shit and neither does her whore mother and they choose to dump their kid off with uncle iyami for the summers now. yay!! i also have a lot of headcanons and stuff ab her (her name is hiyori btw) but thats for another post.

iyami's family turns into basically him, his husband, and his two (sometimes three) (some not actually legit) (and one is gone when it isnt the summer) neicephews. isnt that awsome??? i cry and scream and throw up just thinking about it. sometimes iyami is the nephew but thats awesome. sometimes a family can be some gay man and an orphan that is his husband's nephew and his husband's actual niece, his husband's lesbian best friend that is basically an aunt at this point, and his husband who is sometimes also his nephew/child because of cptsd and they are all autistic. truly beautiful stuff.

and yeah thats. that. like i said i'll be updating this with better explanations of stuff and hopefully actual art But this works for now!!!! no one wanted this but the world got it anyway. you can thank me later.

#my art #osomatsu kun #osomatsu kun 1989 #iyami #kaoiya #this might be my worst post yet #my headcanons #long post #like so long #lore dump #ig??#i dont actually care if anyone sees this btw #like i said its my diary now so idgaf!!

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edelgarfield · 10 months

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god tw personal family medical issues

my mom said some completely wild shit to me last Sunday and I want to vent about it, but what she said was so absolutely unhinged that it requires like 5 different layers of context before I can even BEGIN to unpack what she said and it's like. I want and need to reach out to people and vent about it but I don't even know how to start that conversation with anyone who isn't already up to speed on my nightmare of a family.

so. my dad is sick, he's been sick my entire adult life with a degenerative disorder but he recently got diagnosed with cancer.

here's the thing. there is zero emotional intimacy in my family. we do not talk about feelings. we do not rely on each other. we do not talk about anything other than shallow surface level topics.

that degenerative disorder my dad has? the only reason I know what it is is because I went through his medicine cabinet back in high school. he has never once in the 10 years he's had it sat me down and said "by the way I'm sick and my condition is called X." even though he is clearly, visibly, provably getting worse over the years he has not and will not talk about it. I don't know what his prognosis is. I don't know what his current treatment plan is. I don't know what things he can and can't do on his own.

he is treating his cancer the exact same way. he didn't tell me he even had cancer until two days before he started chemo. I do not know what type of cancer he has. I do not know how bad it is. I do not know what treatment options he's pursuing. whenever I ask he and my mom dodge the question.

that is an extremely quick and dirty summary of what's going on.

so my mom and I were going to a play on Sunday. as we're getting out of the car my mom out of nowhere says "you know you're going to be rich?"

I have no idea what she's talking about and say as much. she starts complaining that my dad's mom updated her will to split my dad's share of her money between me and my brother and my mom is upset that none of it is going to her.

already. this is such a wild and out of touch thing to complain about. like do you want me to sympathize with you bc you think you deserve a bigger share of some future money that hasn't even happened yet? I'm just flabbergasted as my mom goes on to ask if I'm going to take care of her when she's old. again. wild.

I'm like "what about dad? shouldn't he be upset that he's getting cut out?"

and my mom turns to me with this look of condescending pity and says "[Dad's mom] is going to outlive him, why do you think she updated the will?"

GEE MOM I DONT FUCKING KNOW. NOBODY TELLS ME SHIT AROUND HERE.

this is the first time I'm hearing about my grandma updating her will. this is the first time I'm hearing that my dad apparently has TERMINAL CANCER.

and instead of telling me any of this directly like a normal fucking person my mom slides it into the middle of a conversation of her complaining about not being in my grandma's will.

(sidenote: immediately after she dropped this bombshell I replied "okay, well when dad dies you'll get his money" "dad isn't as rich as his mom" so like. classy all around)

like what the fuck is wrong with you??? there are so many things wrong with this conversation I don't even know where to start. do you think I'm going to care about some imaginary money when my dad is APPARENTLY dying? do you think I'm going to feel sorry for you that you're not getting a cut when you're already set up to live an extremely comfortable life?? why are you jealous of your CHILDREN when this is literally just a consolation prize for having a DEAD FATHER.

if you gave me unlimited attempts to try and guess how my mother would choose to tell me my dad was dying I could not have come up with this in a million years. among all the possible ways you could have chosen to tell me my dad is dying how did you invent a completely new one that's more audacious and absurd than all the rest? it is truly astounding the lengths that my parents will go to avoid showing a single iota of vulnerability. why are you like this? if there was literally any time in your life to at least PRETEND to be a normal family it would be now. my parents can only reveal extremely important, heavy information when it's bracketed by the most absurd conversation you've ever had.

and here's the thing: my mother is a notoriously unreliable source of information. she exaggerates, dramatizes, misremembers, and if all else fails just straight up lies. this would not be the first time she has told me someone is dying because that's more attention grabbing than "they're very sick"

(one time my mother insisted to me she was dying, when I asked if she was serious she said yes. I asked her to please tell me the truth because I was genuinely worried she insisted no really she was dying. I went to my dad and he said no, she's not dying, she had a very bad sinus infection)

so I have no idea whether my dad is actually dying or whether my mother is exaggerating what the doctor said bc she's apparently allergic to just telling the truth. and I have no way to confirm bc my dad will not talk about his illness with me. so I'm just stuck, worrying with no answers & no idea when/if answers are coming. I have no idea how bad my dad's sickness is, I have no idea if it's terminal and how long he has left if it is. for all I know it could be two months or two years.

and it doesn't get better! it's only going to get worse from here as my dad gets sicker and dies (if he does), they're not going to suddenly start keeping me in the loop. they're not going to suddenly start comforting me. I'm always going to be the last to know and I'm always going to be told in the most confusing, awful way possible.

this is just such a perfect snapshot of what my childhood was like. my family is the place where emotions go to die. my own mother can't even be bothered to provide the tiniest sliver of comfort or support when she tells me my DAD is DYING. where do I get it, then? if my own fucking family won't comfort me then who will? no wonder I'm so fucked up, no wonder I'm so desperate and starved for affection because I went practically 13 years before I even knew what affection was.

#mine

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weabooweedwitch · 1 year

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Girl do you love him or do you love the approval he gives you? Do you love him as a person for who he is, or is he the first guy to show you attention and you think he's the only guy who will ever be interested in you? Sorry if that's blunt but there's a key difference and you have to be careful with this stuff because you don't want your vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. The speed at which you've gone from 'I like him he's a nice friend' to 'I love him' is a little concerning. Go slow!!! Figure out if he's actually worth your time, be on the lookout for red flags and don't gloss over them or ignore them just to keep the relationship. Figure out if you actually like *him* separate from his approval and validation, ask yourself which qualities he has that you like/find attractive. Any rando in the world could give you those 2 things, they have nothing to do with him as a person. And don't get attached too quickly, you need to be emotionally able to back out if he's showing major 🚩🚩🚩 at any point!

(source: dated a "nice guy" for those exact 2 reasons confusing it for love, 'fell in love' fast and basically ruined the life I had because he turned out to be a cheating abuser)

(I know I've been making a lot of long ass posts and answers lately, my bad :c, I actually was trying to reply to this during my shift and then was so bushed after I got home I fell asleep)

No you're totally right dont get me wrong, very valid concerns, and I think about this constantly because I don't want to fuck up and say something to him and turn around and not mean it or whatever, or like torally ruin our friendship and creep him out and chase him away. Idk. I guess I just think of our relationship and it's always been kind of weird but good in that online friend way?

So we met and began talking around 8, 9, 10 years ago and you know we were a little flirty back then but you know, nothing serious, we were mostly just buds talking about video games and such. And we just... our friendship back then is so similar to how it is now? Like I stopped talking to him before I turned 18 (for this exact same reason actually: catching feelings and feeling like I'm putting him in a weird position) and he sought me out this year all the time later sometime in August or November, like he literally scoured facebook for me, me specifically to reconnect because he lost people during the pandemic and had a few bouts of depression and was seeking lost connections and like. Talking to him feels exactly the same. Exactly the same. He often messages me first, to send memes or jokes or start talking about a topic, like we were talking basically every day, and since we reconnected it's been exactly the same? 🥺

But I also recognize like. There was about an 8 or so year gap in our communication so I guess we have only technically known each other for like 2 or 3ish years? But 🥺 it still feels the same. I still like talking to him. We agree on a lot of things and when we don't he is always respectful, he isn't one of those guys who starts shitting on you and demeaning you. And he doesn't enable me either! He's supportive of my mental health struggles and that I'm trying but he also pointed a lot of stuff out to me when I was spending time with him, like telling me I smoke way too much (his exact phrasing was "herb addled") and said I need to cut down for my health 🥺 and like lmao we got stoned and took a 3am walk to the 7/11 and he kind of, lol, stopped me from getting way too much food just because I had munchies, and also was trying to save me money because, you know, gas station food isn't always cheap

I dunno, he. Inspires me to be a better person. But I also recognize that even if we get along really well and have known each other for some time that I don't actually know a lot about him personally. Like I keep forgetting how old he is, I didn't know he had siblings, I only recently started finding out like his music tastes and such, idk. I want to learn more about him and share moments and things with him 🥺

We also just have a lot of really good conversations. Like it's weird we've just been able to talk so easily and so often without even knowing each other super personally which is the step that's coming now I guess?

I guess if I were to start listing things off about him that I like... He's very honest. I never have to be afraid he's secretly thinking something different; he's an open communicator, albeit a little blunt at times but he jokingly often refers to that as 'a side effect of the 'tism' but it's helpful you know? He doesn't mince words? Like he told me straight up that I tend to ramble sometimes because I'm insecure of the silence and that's totally correct. He encourages me to get away from my mom and kind of just my family in general, encourages me to be more of my own person. Like there have been so many many MANY conversations over the years and recently too where I'm just kind of venting to him and he gives me not just support but feedback, it's not just all "wow that sucks sorry to hear" but also "that's tough but it is a challenge you can overcome". There are so many times where I don't trust my own judgment and he's gone "no you didn't deserve that, that was really shitty, you didn't do anything wrong"

He's so smart 🥰 he's one of those guys that you go to tell him about something and he already knows, and also probably knows more than you do. He's getting a degree in botany or horticulture of some kind (his grades are so good too, he's shown me his like report card whatever, I'm so proud) and he's very avid and passionate about the environment and like, "being the change you want to see in the world". Like I loved going to his house and seeing all his gorgeous plants which he takes care of so meticulously and he knows all their scientific names and stuff. He grows succulents, man. Bitches love succulents

He's good at figuring out what he wants and working towards that goal. Hes good at regulating and setting boundaries on things that might be detrimental, like after I came back from the visit, he let me know that he was going to start turning his phone off at certain hours because of school now that jos break was over, he usually let's me know when he's going to bed so I'm not hanging on for a reply or anything. He's actually trying to distance from certain forms of like social media and online content because he thinks there's way too much stuff that's frivolous now and like, that can sometimes sound vaguely douchey but I actually totally agree? Like the amount of time I spend on my phone is insane and I know I'm wasting so much time on bullshit and I wish I could take control like he can

So uh, the uh, the night we had sex, right. I was going to use a rideshare service and no one was available and it was like 3am. And I was sitting there and he was saying "no I'm not going to let you try and walk out there at night it's not safe" and being caring like that and i just started crying and he started to hold me, like I was sitting in the couch and he was standing and he just hunched down to hold me because that was what I needed. I started apologizing, that I always felt like he's having to take care of me, that I hate being such a burden, and he soothed all those worries and just, kept holding me. He actually sat down on the couch next to me so he could hold me for a while as I just sobbed, squeezing me really tight, rocking me back and forth until I calmed down, which I eventually did, and it kind of came to the topic of where to sleep, and he says something like "it would be a lot easier to hold you if we were both lying down" which, was kind of going to be implied anyways. I kind of knew going up there we were probably going to get physical haha. But he wasn't bringing it up in a crazy way, you know? And when he was going into his bedroom and I kind of hesitated because I was nervous, he kind of, gave me this pause and this look like he was asking if I was coming but it was ok if I didn't, you know? He made sure I was OK, and I was. And we just lied in his bed cuddling as I sniffled and we just started talking about all sorts of stuff and, yeah

I mean. The sex itself was. Like. It's. Not to be cheesy but it was genuinely how I always wanted my first time to be, although this was my second time and the first was so icky we ain't gonna talk about it lmao. Perfect communication, asking how i felt, if I had any feedback, was there anything specific I wanted to do WHICH HE DID BTW fjfjgngjg. Like I felt SO comfortable and safe. I even got a little bold with him in ways that literally light my face on fire but it was because I trusted him so much. Like literally there was a point where he said I could do whatever I wanted to him and you know what I did? I started massaging his hand and arm where his injury is, I had him lay on his tummy so I could massage his back, because I wanted him to feel better, like ever since I hears he was injured I was wanting to try and help him like that 🥺

There were points where we were just, cuddling naked, just peaceful, feeling the warmth of each other's skin. I was the little spoon AND the big spoon and he'd be resting his head on my chest or tummy and I'd just be running my fingers through his hair and he also makes these little groaning noises when something feels good so it's like he purrs a little bit 🥰 and I mean. There was definitely some spice too but idk how comfortable you guys are in hearing those parts. Like for example there were a few times I kept accidentally bringing up my mom or rambling to be anxious and he would just silence me with a kiss because he knew I was anxious and shit. Or uh. Haha. He was kind of a biter so at some point he's trying to get an answer out of what something I would like to try was and I was being too shy so he just starts BITING ME like not hard but in a "ooo stop don't do that omg 🥰" kind of way until I came out and said it (and he did do it, quite enthusiastically too 🥵)

We talked a lot about my relationship with my mom and one of his biggest pieces of advice was something like "your mom is shitty for sure but the way you are holding on to your anger is making things worse. You're getting bent out of shape over very small things at this point and you're only stressing yourself out, you need to let some of that rage go and move on". He's actually been studying aspects of Buddhism and tries to incorporate some of those aspects into his life which o also really like, he also burned incense in his room which had a nice smell 🥰

I. I dont know. Like I fully recognize I need to spend more time with him and get to know him more before I make any significant decisions but. My heart is such a mess. Even if it's unhealthy or weird I know I feel. Even if it's temporary. Even if it's because I'm a freak. Nothing has to be said or done now. I just want to see him. Spend time with him. Support him. Recently he had an incident with a girl he liked and was talking to and spending time with and he invited her to spend time with him and she suddenly said "you make me uncomfortable" and gave him a really bad depressive episode? And he said during our visit, "yeah I'm gonna keep trying but next time it falls through I'm giving up on dating apps" and like. Last night I was thinking... if it's making him feel so depressed and alone... I would completely humiliate myself just to soothe him. I'd tell him I love him and how much he means to me and say "even if you don't want me, even if I'll never be that person for you, I want you to know you're capable of making people feel this way and you're worthy of love and even if it isn't me I know you'll find someone someday because youre smart and caring and responsible and wonderful"

And I mean... that's love isn't it? 🥺

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dysfunctionalgiraffechild · 2 years

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back on my suicidal shit aha

im literally holding everyone in my life back like you can not tell me that im not a burden to my loved ones cuz i absolutely am

like i know theyd be devastated and grieving if i died but im literally so useless like im dead fucking weight dragging them down this is stupid like why am i even here yk?

i literally told my ex-best friend 8 years ago when we were just getting to know each other that I have too many problems and they'd be too busy helping me and i would be too busy dealing with just the way that i am to reciprocate and she was like no that's not how that works i want to be your friends anyways and now 8 years later lo and behold wow turns out that is in fact how that works and, just as i fucking said they would, she got tired of my shit and was sick of me and my problems and me being too busy dealing with my problems to reciprocate. literally proved my fucking point in the end to be absolutely true. I am draining to everyone around me. she literally dropped me and felt freer than ever you can not tell me i am not a heavy burden on people. i cant just keep dragging everyone down with me.

a decade later and everything is exactly the fucking same. i am still getting dropped by people who tried to care for me and love me but ended up just having all of their energy drained and none of their needs met. i am still a selfish self centered useless piece of shit who is wasting peoples time/energy/money. im once again dealing with the same exact problems and dealing with court shit.

were any of those 8 years worth the trouble? cuz i honestly doubt it. people who stay close to me for long enough will see how much of an energy black hole i am and i never give anything back.

im sick of dealing with my shit too. i think im gonna start planning. this time i dont care how much it'll hurt im done being a burden. i know they'll grieve but she was absolutely right about me. i love them but everyone has grown and thrived after getting rid of me. i cant keep doing this to people.

#personal #vent #suicide tw

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nooks-cranny-mogai · 5 months

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I needed to show this Walmart commercial that's been playing on YouTube from mid-october to now about mid-december. They flash these real fast and once I paused the commercial to actually see the "savings".... you don't even save a full $2 between 2023 and 2022. Infact the whipped cream, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, brown gravy, dinner rolls and stuffing all increased in price, nearly up to a dollar fully more. Out of 18 products they willingly listed, 6 of the 18 are now more expensive.

Out of the 18 products the spiral cut ham and turkey are both the exact same price they were last year, so 2 out of the 18 dont actually save you money, they will cost you the same.

That means out of 8 of the 18 products, ONE SHORT OF HALF OF THEM, will either cost you the exact same as last year or, the more likely case, MORE. All of this before tax.

This is why companies get away with inflation, this is why black Friday and cyber monday both absolutely FLOPPED this year. How could you buy a giant 56" TV screen for $150, when every other day it's 149.99, when you can't afford rent or food.

I, on black Friday, was doing what everyone else was.... Buy the grocery nessesities. That's it. Black Friday deals were infact mark ups, Amazon slowed to a halt. Here's the deal, capitalist scum, if you keep raising prices but keep minimum wage the same, soon no one can afford your shit. If no one can afford your shit, the economy collapses. You literally make more money the more accessible your products are, cheaper dose equal more money if your shit is worth it. The economy will collapse if prices go up but people's income doesn't. They won't have the money to spend on your overpriced plastic from other countries who don't have moral labor laws that you exploit.

Allow these ceos to run themselves into the ground.

Fuckers. Here's the commercial in question:

youtube

#clover speaks #clover vents #fuck capitalism #fuck ceos #fuck corporate america #fuck corporations #fuck corporate greed #bring back the guillotine #eat the rich #eat the fucking rich #let them eat the rich #walmart #fuck walmart #black friday #Youtube

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glorifiedbones · 1 year

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i moved now and im so worried they wont like me. so far everything is okay but i guess im just waiting for the other shoe to drop. even though everything is okay i cant help but still feel so unsettled. i lay in this bed and look at my desk and stare at the ceiling and something isnt right. im not right. theres something wrong with me. this is wrong. i just want to eat cinnamon bagel. i hate using the bathroom they can hear me pee and it makes me so self conscious and i need to do my laundry but i feel so awkward and i want to shower. honestly i want to jerk off i keep thinking about just fisting my cock and thinking about my fictional characters fucking me and holy shit am i horny but than if i think too long about it i get depressed again and than i dont even want to do anything remotely of the sort. i check my online messages and feel so overwhelmed with needing to respond to people but even just a couple months ago i had triple the amount of people texting me its so weird how i could sort of handle that than but now i cant handle this.

i feel like i traded one miles for another. i dreaded talking to miles and feeling obligated to talk to them and part of me kept talking to them in case they gave me more money. its literally the exact same with this person too i dont want to talk to them quite frankly i want to block them. i feel like an awful person because at first i was so excited to talk to them but now we dont even really talk or chill or vibe or anything. they’re such a nuisance to me i get so uncomfortable around them. and i fucking despise when people keep deleting messages in the fashion they do, how do you demand and expect a conversation from me but fucking delete everything you day before you even give me the chance to reply? like holy shit thats so annoying YOURE so annoying. i felt such immense relief when i finally cut off miles and i didn’t even block him or un-add him i just told him i didn’t want to be friends any more and although he still kept messaging now he’s stopped and i dont even think about it most days. this guy just gosh he’s annoying. some people really dont have friends for a reason its clear as day.

i feel so frustrated and i hate not having a job. like i hate working but jesus not having money to spend is god awful and i already spent money i shouldn’t have. i havent worked in ages but i already spent 101$ and i need to stop. i need to control myself. worse because only 1 of those dollars went to me. gosh i want to scream. i feel so frustrated and i miss my cat. im so worried he wont get along with the other cats.

i want to chew my bails and hide under my bed and curl into a ball and i want to rip my skin and nails and hair off and i hate the way my body and skin feels. i hate looking down and seeing my stomach and chest and legs and arms and feet and hands and i hate looking in the mirror when im naked and seeing my thighs and back and ass and i just hate the way i look. im worried when i get another haircut it wont be good as this one now and im worried that one day ill make my family so upset they want to kick me out or demand i go back home and live with my mother.

i hate hugging that man and i dont want to see or hear or look at him again and i hate his lectures and his tones and inflections and seeing his stuff around the house and i dont like him i dont want to forgive him for what he did to me and i dont think i should have too and there are some days i think im over what happened and others its all i can think about and i feel so fucking dirty and disgusting and i wish he had hone away but instead i had to go away i always have to go away and be pushed to the sidelines and im waiting for the day that someone picks me and chooses me wholly first over someone else. i want to be the first pick.

i want to fall in love but i dont want to live long enough to let it happen because i swear to god im going to have to be thirty five or forty before i find someone whos interested in me and im not even twenty five yet. i hate living. i dont want to be here anymore. theres so much pressure to do things and even though i just sit and play games most of the time the pressure is caving in all around me. i wait for the other shoe to drop because eventually it will and all i can do is hope that im prepared for the day it slams down.

i need to be ready and im not. i dont think i could hold a job down even if i wanted to. i cant hold a relationship im so annoying and undesirable and not even in a self deprecating way in a i know that am i ugly? no but im not attractive im not cute or pretty or hot or handsome i just am average and normal and i exist.

i wish i could have lost my virginity to her. reddit girl. to be so close i could touch her skin and look in her eyes and her hair and feel her warmth. i always mess everything up. shes so pretty and shes my friend and im okay with being friends. im more than willing to accept being friends. but it doesn’t mean i dont wish some things turned out a different way. part of me makes it hopeful that if someone as beautiful and perfect as her could have been interested in me for a time makes me wonder if i have a chance at all. but than im reminded that even though im average and surround myself with desirable people that doesn’t mean im desirable. i should never make that mistake. i wont.

its one thing to be confident to think you could get everyone you were interested in. its another to recognize no matter how nice i dress or how much money i offer to shell out or how desperate i am for a real connection that im picky and wont settle for less than not what i deserve but what i want. no matter these things i wont see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i dont deserve these things, i desire them immensely. i want i want i want i want i want and i feel as if i always take but somehow i take the things i dont truly want.

i miss reddit girl and i miss mcdonalds girl and i miss tumblr girl and i miss discord boy and i miss i miss i miss i miss but i cant reach out in those ways and these people never wanted me the way i want them. i want marriage and happiness and perfect ending and i remember in ST how steve mentions wanting six little nuggets and although i dont want six kids i could picture myself living on a farm with my wife and two brats who get a southern drawl or midwestern farm accent because we live in the middle of nowhere and we have two cows and a white picket fence and a wrap around porch. i picture living in a city apartment and having out first kids and our first pet and cooking together in our small kitchen flat and the neighbor to our right is so fucking loud but every-time we hear them argue we press our heads to the walls to hear what they’re saying and giggle about it later with each other. i never picture myself growing old because i dont believe ill live that long, but than again i always picture killing myself when i was eighteen.

i didn’t make plans for anything because they all consistent of my family burying my corpse, maybe pouring out a glass for me on the first year but never again after that, my mom would argue about the bills of the funeral costs and maybe she would be sad for a little while but eventually shed get over it. they’d all get over it. im a forgettable person im not significant and im not a key family member i just exist and take up resources. i wish i succeeded when i was younger. when i was fifteen and sixteen. but i still managed to bungle that one up so i swore id slice my skin open and than i was sixteen when i tried for the first time and i dont know why i didn’t again after that.

it didn’t feel particularly bad and i remember how delicious the cut felt when it rubbed against my jean clad legs. i remember that year i wore a nice suit to my homecoming. the last homecoming. the last time i danced with a pretty bird. and maybe its selfish of me but i wish i had more time i wish i enjoyed the party more i wish i still talked to those people i wish i wish i wish i wish

i dont always wish i was dead anymore per say i just wish i didn’t exist. i hate the fact that i exist and still make all these mistakes and i hate that i dont know things and i hate that my future will either be my cold corpse or be me living to work until the day and i did and it wont even be at a cool place either itll be somewhere i hate that makes me stand on my feet all day and my body will be in constant pain twenty four seven but im scraping by already so i cant call off and i wont have friends and i wont have a wife ill live in a one bedroom apartment because im too broke to own a house and ill be lucky if i get my own washer and dryer in there and my bathroom sink will be slightly broken and i wont cry myself to sleep because i wont have the energy and i wont kill myself because ill keep telling myself it’ll get better one day it’ll get better one day it’ll get better one day but it wont not really ill work up until the day i die. ill be forty two with a mountain of debt, probably a manager at walmart because the target wouldn’t hire me, and ill think back to the time i was seventeen making a grilled cheese on my eighteenth birthday watching selling sunset all by myself and itll be the same only ill be forty two turning forty three and ill be an alcoholic neck beard because i wont have friends and all i do is work sleep and play games on my computer and pay bills and think about killing myself but too chicken shit because if i fail i wont have enough money to cover the cost of the medical bills

sometimes i think about gouging my eyes out and i wish i was interesting enough for a serial killer to take notice of me and put me out of my misery. i feel pathetic because my life isn’t even that bad! i have a good life. i just only seem to waste good opportunities. im never quite going to be good enough im just always going to exist painfully and regretfully and i really wish i would just slit my wrists and jump into a random body of water because if i dont bleed out to death ill drown because i dont know how to swim

you know i seriously considered killing myself again the other month. i really did think about grabbing a knife from the block and slitting my throat in the bathtub so it would be easier to clean and the only reason i didn’t was because my aunt had already out a deposit down on my birthday present and i would feel bad because it’d be too expensive and just a waste of money. i have to keep finding little things to keep myself alive over but its so exhausting. because whats next after this birthday present? i dont have things planned and i dont have friends and i dont have a job or money or a future. the only future i have is pathetic. im pathetic.

i hate that i wont actually just do it either. she just bought groceries and all i can think about is i can starve because because shed just have wasted 368$ on groceries so i have to eat them. i just want to cut my skin and i dont even think i have an excuse to not do it anymore i just have procrastinated it. part of me wants to gorge out on everything just so i can make sure it wasn’t a waste but i already didn’t finish eating that large Wendy’s french fry and i felt so get wrenchingly awful about it. i feel pathetic all i do all day is play games and thirst over fictional people and i wish id just grab myself by the balls and go do something about making the life i want to live a reality but i dont. i never end up doing anything right.

i feel like im just being dramatic at this point there are so much bigger issues in the world than mine. my minuscule ones that pale in comparison to the tragedies of the world but it fucking sucks because this is MY world this is the life i have to live with everyday and be okay with and deal with. i wish i had the drive and passion that i see others do on social media that sure struggling through this but ultimately work hard to get what they want and they dont stop until they do. in theory that could be me! i have the capabilities to do things! and yet i dont. i just sit here in this bed thinking ‘poor me’ and whining about how ‘im depressed’ and ‘no one likes me’ it’s so fucking annoying truly. i feel like i was more depressed when i was younger so how can i be now? and i hate pitying myself because i dont deserve it and i hate when i say no one likes me because people do like me but it feels more like they’re obligated to like me and not there because they genuinely want to be which is a whole other mind fuck but still. people talk to me. i have a few online friends. my family talk to me. maybe that’s it but still. but still. but still. but still i feel the way i do anyways.

im gonna go make a cinnamon bagel now i think

#november 29th 22

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oliviamillss · 3 years

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reading dreams chart

im only going to use up to orb 3, for stronger accuracy lmao

**if you can’t be bothered to read it all, theres a summary paragraph at the bottom**

sun:

sun in 7th: strong emphasis on relationships. tends to copy others lingo/habits. extroverted. probably ‘needs’ others. only really shows his true self around his close friends/family/partners.

sun at 19 degrees: a libra degree. (emphasis on this bc libra rules 7h), makes him a very charming, likeable, particularly popular guy.

sun opposite ascendant: inner conflict, probably doesn’t feel like people see him for his true self, may struggle showing true self. may feel misunderstood. may need approval/validation a lot.

sun square mars: hints to daddy issues. may struggle with a lot of built up anger and frustration, but it seems like he takes it out very positively, as you can see he is competitive, so i think he lets it out through gaming. probably very energetic, motivated.

sun square saturn: high expectations for himself. probably the type of person to think ‘i’m only good enough if i do this’. probably very hard on himself. also probably very insecure of himself, but doesn’t show it. another sun square masculine planet, more hinting to daddy issues.

moon:

moon in 7th: probably relies on close friends/family/partners a lot. loves to help people, esp people he’s close with (kinda mr beast vibes). probably very like ‘oh shit, he’s sad, i need to do everything within my power to cheer him up’ if that makes sense lmao

moon in virgo: looking after people!!! esp with the sun square saturn,, high expectations. probably a very much perfectionist, which also explains why he is competitive. may ‘always need to be right’. but virgo moons are actually so lovely omfg

moon at 9 degrees: sagittarius degree, likes to help people by optimism, and giving things to the person that they would want (im aware that sounds obvious lmao). probably feels a sense of achievement when cheers them up.

moon square pluto: probably hard time dealing with and growing from negative things that have happened, possibly struggles with letting things go. possibly self destructive (why did that one heatwaves part come to mind), possible trust issues + anxiety, probably very particular about who he lets close into his life, maybe quite protective.

mercury:

mercury in 6th: likes to help people, probably not disappointed if he spends his time working with someone, may struggle with anxiety/depression. a quick learner, probably overthink every word because it wast the ‘perfect’ thing to say.

mercury in leo: funny asf, and out there, also thinks his ideas/things to respond and say are the best, with the 6h and 7h placements, he is open to listen to others, but in the end he only really wants his one lmfao, good with conversation.

mercury at 1 degree: aries degree, another fire placement which emphasises the loud, out there kinda vibes.

mercury trine mc: career and reputation are strongly linked with what he says. (this is obv bc hes famous lmao). he’s smart, particularly with technology and its linked to his career. *im aware this sounds like im just describing him, this is exact so thats why its overly accurate*

mercury opposite neptune: daydreamer, probably has a lot of thoughts and ideas in his head, but they just dont come across right. probably zones out, may struggle with focusing. but very creative, has big and creative ideas. i havent mentioned it before but its come up too many times now, but he has a lot of placements, when manifested badly, creates a good manipulator

mercury square jupiter: optimistic, possibly thinks his ideas are the best (we’ve covered that before), can be really overly talkative or just nothing at all. (i rlly dont know much about this placement)

venus:

venus in 7th: he will have a beautiful relationship with his future partner. charming asfff, probably a good flirt. tends to love love. needs to be liked, sort of a pleaser.

venus in virgo: the type of person to remember everything about the people he cares about. loves to help the people he cares about. probably sees the people he truly loves as ‘perfect’, which may end up being really bad if they’re toxic.

venus in retrograde: struggles feeling loved, possibly feels like he doesn’t deserve love. probably the type to be like ‘how could you ever love me?’

venus square mc: attract people who take care of him. either has self-esteem issues, or is quite a dependant person. creative. may struggle finding people who support his career, or may have to change a few things about himself to be liked by others.

venus trine jupiter: very likeable, and he’s veryyy lucky. he’s funny, and a generous person, probably very giving to his close friends and family. charismatic asfff, likely he will marry someone foreign.

mars:

mars in 9th: more things hinting to attract(ing/ed to) foreigners. loves experiencing things with people he cares about. likes to learn more and more, possibly stubborn, makes sure his opinions are known.

mars in scorpio: that boy needs privacy in his life, doesn’t like being predictable. probably an overthinker. we’ve already known this but he’s definitely a top. probably could get anyone he wants, seductive asfff. also pretty spiteful.

mars at 17 degrees: leo degree, fame bitchesss

mars square ascendant: hates to lose, competitive. people may be intimidated by him at first, can’t really hide anger, pretty stubborn.

mars opposite saturn: really hard on himself. wants to be the best of the best, leader. stands up for himself. another placement hinting to daddy issues. harsh about his work, and himself in general, perfectionist.

mars square uranus: anger may change a lot, a lot of energy, probably struggles to focus, doesn’t like to be the one who is being controlled/has restrictions. probably struggles with authority. outbursts of anger.

jupiter

jupiter in 3rd house: loves writing, and is actually pretty good at it. knows how to talk to people, how to persuade them, and how to manipulate them. good liar, knows how to sell his wants across, how to get what he wants.

jupiter at 4 degrees: cancer degree, cancer rules his 6h. he uses his luck/money to help others.

jupiter square neptune: big dreams, desire to escape the world as it is.

saturn:

saturn in 3rd: afraid of/ is often misunderstood. struggles to open up?, maybe he wasn’t listened to much growing up. hard on himself academically, feels like he isn’t smart enough. hard time expressing himself. maybe feels like noone really cares for what he has to say?

saturn at 16 degrees: cancer degree. idk what else to say abt it lmaoo

saturn square ascendant: quite serious, maybe struggle with the way he looks? possibly quite overwhelmed about his life,, feels like he has too much to do at times. fear of rejectionnn

saturn square uranus: maybe he doesn’t like change, tradition v change clashing. authority troubles. probably needs freedom, but feels unstable without what he’s used to. rebelling against norms.

uranus:

uranus in 12th: probably very curious about unexplainable things, maybe quite into conspiracy theories. two complete ends of the spectrum: fear change/need it, unpredictable things happen/ everythings the same.

uranus at 14 degrees: taurus. taurus ruling 2nd, i guess it shows change in dream’s wealth.

uranus opposite north node (and conj south node): with exceptions, doesn’t like conflict. he is fine with joke conflict, but the second there’s an actual argument he tries to be the ‘peacemaker’ guy. technology is major in his life. also quite nervous about his career/future.

neptune:

neptune in 12th: awful sleep schedule. overworking himself, never relaxing. vivid dreams. once again, this has come up loads and i just haven’t mentioned it: intuitive asf, george is the same. whether either are aware of it or not, they are super intuitive.

neptune at 2 degrees: taurus degree.

neptune sextile mc: creative, also likes helping others, empathy to the public. has big dreams career wise.

pluto:

pluto in 10th: determined person, gets a lot of hate, but also a lot of love. trust issues, persuasion/manipulative abilities. leader leader leader. another hint to daddy issues, maybe privacy invading, maybe overprotective. don’t want to be controlled.

north node:

north node in 6th: overwork himself. but i think we can interpret this as his life goal to be working to help people. literally mr beast. just work hard, and give a lot away. humble.

chiron:

chiron in 9th: possible restriction from either his or his communities beliefs/religions. maybe he’s afraid of leaving where he is right now (sapnap moving to orlando, whenever its brought up its always george coming to orlando)

lilith:

lilith in sagittarius: need for truth. dislikes restrictions. hides emotions, uses humour to avoid them/ make people think they’re okay when they’re not. stubborn asf.

lilith in 10th: tend to be sexualised/ reputations for being sexual. another placement hinting to daddy issues. really wants to be at the top, the most powerful. likes using his dominance/ power to seduce. motivateddd.

lilith conjunct pluto (exact omfg): typical ‘mystery’ guy. probably the mystery/scorpio vibes he pulls off attracts/ seduces people. the most dominant partner ever. sex is probably so intense and overwhelming

moon square lilith: possible mummy issues. his need for sex can change quick asf, from one end of the scale to another. struggles to open up.

i ought to mention!!

there’s a theory that the degree of your venus sign is the birthday of someone who is v important in your life. what’s dreams you may ask? 1. and when are george and sapnap’s birthdays? the 1st. they’re soulmates, your honour.

summary!!!

basically, dream has so much care and love for his friends and family, and probably relies on them a lot. he only shows his true self around them, and he (at least thinks) people don’t really understand him in the way his friends and family do. he is a social person, who’s very likeable and charming. he lovesss helping people, doing everything in his power to cheer others up, he remembers details about the people he loves. he is such a perfectionist, needing to succeed and win and everything, and is very competitive. he probably doesn’t think he’s ‘worthy’ if he’s bad at something. he sets very high expectations for himself. he is very hard on himself. if he wants to, he knows how to manipulate people. he has so so many placements for an amazing manipulator. he may struggle to express himself or open up, and may be hard on himself academically. maybe he doesn’t feel ‘listened to’. a lot of emotions like anger and sex drive may change rapidly for him. he over works himself a lot. a major theme in his life is tradition vs change. he is probably afraid of change, or finds it uncomfortable, or he may have some sort of attachment to traditional values/things, no matter how much he wants to change. he is also a peacemaker. he was born to be loved or hated, kinda like marmite but if the balance was more equal. he doesn’t like restrictions. he uses humour to hide his emotions.

im also thinking of doing a synastry reading between george and dream but idk yet lol

hope you guys enjoyed, this took ages lmao<3

#dream #dreamwastaken #dreamsmp #astrology #chart reading #sun in 7th #famous people chart reading #moon in 7th #mercury in 6th #venus in 7th #mars in 9th #jupiter in 3rd #saturn in 3rd #uranus in 12th #neptune in 12th #lilith in 10th #lilith conjunct pluto #moon square lilith #astrology reading

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princesstokyomoon · 2 years

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everytime i see an anti talk shit about something, it makes me want to VERY loudly start obsessing over the thing, even if its something i REALLY dont care about

shipping as a whole, i have little interest in, its pointless to me. but i do love pondering different character dynamics, including some immensely fucked up ones in some cases. doesnt mean i like it, its just somethin i will consider.

and that sorta shit is literally the way that i was taugh AS AN ACTOR to engage with media. you dont have to like or use every single possibility or interpretation for your final peice, but considering a script from as many angles as possible gives you a much firmer understanding of a text, and allows you to make specific decisions about YOUR interpretation.

doing this lead me and one of my classmates to make an extensive background story for our characters - despite the fact it was NEVER relevant to the plot because we had such minor roles - just based on the fact that "our kids" were cousins. we looked at how we had chosen to understand our own characters, looked at what the text said, and eventually came to the conclusion that, while we were not directly related, our now dead exs were. he looked down on me and thought of himself too highly, and i resented him for having money, and not sharing with us, his family. but he didnt view us as his family at all. it was never once relevant. we both had maybe five lines the whole play. but it changed how we chose to interact with each other in the background.

and i LOVE doing that for media! i LOVE picking apart what is actually there, considering all the posibilities, and then deciding what that means for my reading of the source material. and sometimes that conclusion is fucked up. as far as i can see, its canon that rick and morty are in love, regardless of how "problematic" that might be. the last handful of episodes basically confirmed that.

in the first unfortunate events book, olaf CLEARLY intends to rape violet once he marries her, and the netflix version of that made that even clearer. olaf clearly feels attraction to her too, im 90% sure he describes her as pretty multiple times. (its been a while, im a little rusty on the details).

if others choose to not read those situations that way, then thats FINE, they dont HAVE to! thats the JOY of analysing media! you can give a bunch of people the exact same material, and theyll more than likely all come away with a different understanding of it!

AND THAT IS NOT A BAD THING! THATS THE WHOLE DAMN POINT!

so seeing SOOO many people saying constantly "your understanding of a text is wrong and makes you evil" is BAFFLING to me. that im seeing people who say "EW YOU CANT SHIP THAT ITS INCEST" about characters who are literally not related, is BAFFLING to me. if you read it as them being family, sure fine whatever. but its not in the text, so let others ship it.

AND EVEN IF IT WERE INCEST, ITS FUCKIN FICTION?????? ITS NOT REAL?????? if you dont like it, you DO NO THAVE TO ENGAGE WITH IT OR THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT!!!!!

i just.... im so goddamn tired yall

i dont even know what the point of all this is, i saw a thing that made me laugh/mad and needed to vent so you all have to deal with it

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sanchoyo · 3 years

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danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #me on the first post:#its not a liveblog!#me this time: it kinda is. but not in the same format as my tmm one #i like doing one post for a handful of eps bc it saves time #and crowds my blog less #and also i just like talking abt what im watching lol #dp thoughts

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tricewithaz · 3 years

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I saw your post about Kaz and Nikolai and I agree. I think they would be amazing friends. Do you have headcannons about that?

thanks pal ive been DYING to ramble about this

When first meeting, Kaz develops some sort of respect for Nikolai cause A_man developed an entire alter ego for literally no reason and B_He was completely honest with him. He also seems to work by his own rules and Kaz relates to that.

Nikolai also respects Kaz, he can see hes a very intelligent young man (i mean he read him like an open book). He was quite impressed cause up till that point no one read thru him like that.

He also has the time of his life seeing all of kaz's plan unfold, he didnt know any of it (though he suspected something wouldnt go as planned). Everything was chaos and all he could do was look in amazement and try to figure out what his thought process was

While going back to ravka he IMPLORES nina to tell him everything about the heist and the auction and hes just amazed at A-the absolute CHAOS, B-the adventure (there where you see him hes quite an adventure and mistery novels fan) and C the fact that he managed to get that damn money.

But hey kaz isnt the only one who can read people, Nikolai can see that theres many gears working within Kaz, and sort of feels sympathy for him, not too sure why not like theyre literal parallel characters or anything but the gloves are a dead giveaway

Nikolai also feels sort lf protective over him for no reason. He feels the same way about Nina.

Listen, Kaz somehow enters in Nikolais bedchambers at the embassy. he has like maximum security. However, he doesnt calculate well enough so while hes still there, Zoya and Nikolai enter (i mean, i dont think theyd have a fixed schedule while in kerch at the time, considering the circumstances). Zoya suggests hes imprisoned and even killed for stealthing into the kings chambers and "possibly attempting regicide" but Nikolai is just impressed he kind of needs to ask him how he managed to enter.

And thats the story of how kaz taught nikolai lantsov king of ravka grand duke of udova how to open any kind of lock.

Kaz finds himself trustung Nikolai. He knows he shouldnt and he knows most of it is Political Charm™ but still

Nikolai reads him like a book and most of it is cause he can see himself in Kaz. Hes not called the King of Scars for nothing ad he can tell Kaz has some too

Oh and he confronts him about it, real big brother shit or whatever

(similarly to how he told alina to stop bitching and either get over mal or do something about him which is still iconic)

weirdly enough kaz listens to him 😶 character desvelopment yall special thanks to inej ghafa and nikolai lantsov king of ravka you know the rest

Kaz asks him about inejs parents pretty much as if asking a favour from a friend, its cute and extrangely vulnerable. Nikolai tells him that "he has a ton of money, he certainly can try"

Kaz is all scary and black clothes and sharp bone structure but to nikolai hes just a boy in need of a good time and hes very fond of him

They totally get drinks in kerch, as payment for teaching nikolai his Thief Secrets™. Its a good time, Nikolai talks a lot and Kaz listens to his stories and plans and opinions. Its good info and quite fun.

THE BANTER, they bounce off each other so well.

Kaz admires Nikolais ability to charm anyone. Not like he cant be charismatic himself, but the kings ways to make himself respected and not necessarily scary seem very useful to him.

Kaz picks up the "improbable" line

they have the same scheming face. I like to think zoya and jesper are quite freaked out about it. So is nina.

When nikolai goes back to ravka, they write to each other. It starts with the whole thing about inej's parents but it quickly becomes routine. Not too often, but at least once every three months.

Nik buys stocks at the Crow Club. When hes in ketterdam he likes to have a couple of drinks there and chat with kaz and some other people.

He like to joke with Kaz about hiring him to make his dads life impossible. and not gonns lie hes this 👌close to actually doing it.

Theres kind of an unspoken rule between them to not ask too much, but kaz is dying to know about the whole sturmhond stuff.

Oh Nikolai has definetely offered kaz a job in os alta but he refused

he also often offers him actual haircuts 😶

they have good laughs, i mean, its what hating the exact same kinds of people does to a relationship

Overall good partners in crime with a strangely fraternal bond

#ask #ask box #answered #six of crows #king of scars #shadow and bone #kos #soc #kaz brekker #nikolai lantsov #sturmhond #crooked kingdom

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sugarvamgar · 3 years

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you ever make some Bastards? anfisa and valentine! also the context of the little labels on valentine’s sheet is to like, number the parts of the story for me and my friend who’s working on this so we know when the hell in the story we’re talking abtsgddfg anyways more info abt them under the cut .. i love these bastards...

these two are in the same world as some of my other ocs - you can find them in my neontok tag under rum’s post for more information about the world nd stuff! if you do not want to look at it tldr its just me putting my more uh. “darker” concepts?? like these two! let’s continue into more info tho: so like, context! in this world, there’s this group of seven assassins who’s existence is.. very speculated. like, they’re a common myth. maybe not among all of society all around the world, but most people have heard folk stories of their existence at some point in their life. this group of assassins has existed for literal hundreds of years, and nobody knows how or why, so they just.. assume it’s a story. a myth. but it’s Not. the “seven” is actually countless people who have been trained throughout their family’s bloodlines as a tradition with every other generation’s first child - or in the case of assassins One and Two, the first two siblings. they’re all basically trained to do the exact same stuff as the original seven did, too. other than One and Two, the children don’t necessarily know each other, especially because usually they’re in completely different countries. anyways so, anfisa here used to be part of this. he was assassin Three, born and raised in russia, pretty much the only assassin of the seven to not be trained to be sneaky and quiet bc most of what he does is loud on purpose. he does know how to blend in among people normally and how to scramble away from people without getting hurt, but man. he is NOT graceful like the other six. he ends up defecting from the assassins (which is just him going. huh. fuck this <3) and leaving to not-america and goes. i will live a normal life now. he ends up going. oh wait actually i hate how society is and how much of this city is controlled via bribes and crimes - what if i just. actively tried to cement myself in that world. what if i did crimes? i already did them before. he ends up gaining a mild following of people for this and they help him to do this.. the dude who runs the Local Crime Syndicate™ (at least, the largest one), jack, gets. very pissed off about this once anfisa’s group grows large enough scale. he employs this highly revered journalist bc in jack’s mind this goes. “oh, this guy is SO very good at picking people apart and getting into their business, and my stupid police force isn’t doing their fucking job right (lol), i’ll hire this dude. if he dies its barely any loss on my part. the journalist is valentine <3 idk his first name but he’s valentine and he is SO full of anxiety and has so much in common with anfisa about Hating Authority nd shit. this is a mistake on jack’s part who is blind as hell and cannot read valentine’s old articles + thinks he can bribe him with money to do whatever. valentine goes. <:( okay i will try i hate this but also money and also you are pointing guns at me and threatening to kill me if i Dont take the money and do this. valentine ends up joining anfisa and goes from anxious timid british (lol) bastard to mildly terrifying and willing to organize and command a group of people with anfisa who are actively trying to like, overthrow a straight up crime syndicate organization thing that Also has quite a large hold on a lot of businesses and government related stuff in the city. and SUCCEEDS for the most part. he is very good at this and it scares the group so much esp with the fact that it grows from like 6 or 7 people to like, over 50 or more in like.. a year. shoutout to anfisa he intentionally picks on valentine bc he thinks this guy is cute. when valentine is lowkey stalking getting research on anfisa/the group, anfisa notices and goes. :) im going to make your life so very difficult but in an only slightly annoying way. you got knocked out one day so i stole your tie and then the next time you saw me on the news you saw me wearing it around my arm like a trophy. valentine is so very annoyed and takes all of anfisa’s mild friendly torment as This Little Man Hates Me So Fucking Much. Why Does He Want Me DEAD also shoutout x2 to anfisa for being great at working with machines and learning how to put foot pedals on his motorcycle so he can switch the seat around to like, a pedal control board and ride it like a skateboard. this is dangerous and very, very impractical. he does not care. he’s having fun ps. if you think valentine is similar to a certain someone you’re right. its on purpose. i “steal” canon characters all the time (see: idk, not often actually) with friends bc its very fun to see how you can reinterpret a character without it being basically an au of the original character. TLDr if you can make a connection with the other character; good! just know he’s still his own thing and its on purpose and i love him. ps. x2/bonus i named anfisa after cat no banana <3 also anfisa (анфиса) means flowering/blossoming. i have made anfisa allergic to bananas and have given him plant themed clothingLKJGFDLKJG

ps. x3 im planning on drawing the rest of this team and talking about them but i want to post them all at once. i honestly wanted to do that here but i havent posted in 9 days so i. went ahead and just posted these two and gave their info since its more than, yknow, nothing? ps. x4 (help i have so many notes) literally i never put any of my stories on earth but then dont make any effort to make the contries non-earth countries bc like. *gestures vaguely* man idk how to do that and dont have the energy to make new cultures nd stuff on my free time??? im not doing this for a professional story??? so like. yeah. anyways so anfisa is Not from russia. he’s russian. valentine is british. britain doesn’t exist. make of that what you will. anyways. that is all. thank you. i kiss you for reading this. if you have questions please ask me them i have so much information all the time and it shows me theres interest in this

#my ocs #character design #my art #neontok #oc anfisa #oc valentine #this is the same world as four‚ wren‚ rum‚ and turbomaslo's intruxx!#and quite a few others.#shoutout to neontok almost everyone's clothing designs is black with a primary bright colour #ALSO SHOUTOUT TO BLAKE FOR HELPING ME WITH ALL THIS I LOVE U SIR. THANK YOU SO MUCH YOURE SO VERY COOL AND I HOLD YOU.#I CANT TAG HIM IN THIS POST BC IM PRETTY SURE HIS ONLY ACTIVE BLOGS ON HERE ARE COMPLETELY UNRELATED RP BLOGS SO SDFGFDGFD #HONORABLE MENTION TO HIM IN THE TAGS IS ALL I CAN DO <3

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surviving---not---living · 3 years

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What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

#abusive relationship #tw abuse #mine #relationship #please help me #help #relationship advice #fiancé #couple problems #manipulative #maybe #physical abuse #lost #scared #lonely #what do i do

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