#low self confidence i need to be reassured im doing well. i am nothing but a little guy

[om-headcanon]

☆ mc catching the obey me brothers crying

i believe its fair to assume mc has seen at least one of the boys cry. here is what i believe happened. (if you want me to do undateables, let me know! tw for low self worth, panic attacks, and survivors guilt/death mentions)

lucifer

without a doubt the most embarassed to be caught crying

he had just gotten into an argument with diavolo, and he questions his importance in diavolos life

he goes into the study to get some extra work done late at night to reassure himself he is useful

with all of the stress from the situation at hand and some stress from supporting the family on his back, he cant help but shed a few tears

all he wants to do is keep those around him happy and healthy... and it tears him apart when he cant

if i cant make the ones i love happy then... what can i do...

he doesnt notice your presence, as he has hands over his eyes and is breathing slowly in order to relax himself

you call out his name softly to get his attention

lucy jumps and tries wiping his eyes and playing it off as if he was never crying

you walk closer to him and he keeps inquiring if theres anything you need

you dont say anything, you just place your arms around him and hold him in a tight embrace

and he starts crying again on your shoulder... harder, this time. holding you tighter and closer in the embrace

because of his pride, its hard for him to admit what he needs the most: someone to show they care for him

mammon

mammon is the type to not cry often but when he does, its a lot

while his brothers dont really have bad intentions, the daily degradation they execute against mammon really gets to him

he can only put up his confident front for so long, and not long after a fight with asmo, it recedes

he lay on his bed sobbing heavily into a pillow to muffle the sound for nearly a full hour

his mind cant help but insist all the words his siblings tell him are true... and he wishes more than anything that you were there to tell him they werent

he looks up to the door every once in a while with blurry vision, mind convincing him theyre at the door, but you not being there makes him cry even harder

maybe they just think the same as the rest of my brothers

he hears the doorknob, but convinces himself its his mind again. ironically enough, this makes him cry even harder

except its actually you this time

you run over to his bed to sit down next to him and rub his back reassuringly, asking if hes alright

he jolts up, shocked youre actually here. he closes his mind and smiles sadly with a tear stained face

he pulls you into an embrace and whispers a soft thank you... your presence helps him more than you will ever know

you hold him for a few minutes and tell him how awesome the Great Mammon really is

leviathan

its been a long stressful day at rad, and he cant help but overthink every single action he has made

every single glance hes made, every single word hes said ... just everything

most days he would resort to playing a game or watching an anime he loves in attempt to distract himself, but other days its not that easy

he starts spiraling, thinking of not only everything hes done that day, but actions hes done in the past too

eventually hes past the point of no return, and starts having a panic attack

levi cant seem to catch his breath and with the thoughts still rushing through his head at full speed, he cant attempt to calm himself down

he envies those who dont feel the way he does right now because god, what he would do to not feel like this

you were just wondering why your gaming buddy hasnt come looking for you so naturally, you go to him

you knock on his door waiting for him to ask you for the entry code... but theres no response

you enter and are quite shocked to see levi shaking on his bed

this is familiar to you... whether youve had to guide a friend through a panic attack or have been through one yourself, you know what to do

you reassure him this will all pass and knowing how hard school is for him, you tell him he did well today

you get him to regulate his breathing and gain some composure

hes embarassed you had to see him like that... but he lets you know hes so thankful that you came to help him

satan

he just wants to be his own person but with how his life was set for him, its almost as if thats a tall order

its very rare he cries from happiness or anything like that, but sometimes he gets so sad that he gets angry... and then he cries a lot

no one dares to go near him like that

and that hurts him too... that nobody could or would ever dare to console him because they fear what hed do to them

he acknowledges this is a justified fear as he is after all the representation of wrath itself, but it still hurts nonetheless

belphie decided to poke fun and tease satan reminding him of how hes lucifers shadow

he didnt take it well... and retreated to his room to handle his emotions

he knew his family didnt want anything to do with him while he was angry... and that made him feel like a burden

but he grew used to everyone expecting he handle his emotions himself even if every once in a while he desired some reassurance

satan sat in a corner of his room crying to himself waiting for this to pass because he didnt believe anyone else would care to check on him

but you were curious as to why he wasnt in his usual 4 pm reading spot, so you decided to check his room

he was just sat completely still staring into the distance while tears fell down his face

he didnt even notice your presence until you sat down next to him

you didnt want to pry, so you just asked if he wanted to talk about it

he shook his head, laid on your shoulder, and just said “this is all i need”

asmodeus

ahh... while self love is so easy for him, self value isnt

its easy for him to believe people want to be around him solely with lustful intent rather than because they genuinely love him

he doesnt really believe anyone could ever love him

so he overcompensates through self love because he believes hes the only person who could ever love him

hes great at hiding it but sometimes, this gets to him... especially after some quick encounters with others at the fall

he thinks maybe there is no depth to him.. maybe i really am just a pretty face and nothing else

asmo cries pretty often, but he only lets people see him cry when its over something material (ie, he couldnt get a new bag hes been wanting for weeks)

he cries quietly too in effort to make sure nobody sees him

he seemed to have forgetten that you two were planning to go shopping today so you went to his room to see if he was ready

you werent expecting to see him rolled over in bed softly crying to himself

you startled him when you said his name

“oh, mc, i didnt see you there!” he chuckles lightly to himself in effort to change the mood of the atmosphere as he wipes his eyes

you ask if hes okay and his sad smile falls slightly

he asks you if you genuinely think he could ever be lovable

your heart breaks a little knowing that he even has a moment of self doubt, but you reassure him that hes a lovable person inside and out

you hug him tightly while another tear falls down his face

you two decide shopping is best for another day... for now, you just want to talk and do facials

beelzebub

beel loves his family a lot

more than he loves food (also a lot)

he hates conflict between them and would do absolutely anything to avoid it

what he hates the most about himself is how hungry he gets... hes aware its poorly timed but theres really nothing he can do about it

but the feeling hes being an inconvenience to those he loves hurts him

beel is great at smiling as often as possible, but if theres any tension between the family, he wont stop crying until its resolved

once he was so hungry it wasnt possible to control himself and he ended up going on a rampage

he earned scolds from lucifer, mammon, and satan for this

it tore him apart knowing that he had caused his family trouble for even a second and he started crying because of the guilt

he couldnt even find enough energy to make it back to his room, so he just sat in the kitchen with tears on his face

you had decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack when you saw him

he apologized for being in the kitchen and offered to move if you wanted his seat, but you declined

beel didnt even bother wiping the tears from his eyes... he wore them like they were a punishment for his own behavior

when you asked him what was wrong, all he said was that he was a bad brother

you tried to tell him otherwise, but then he went into detail about the situation and how all he does is cause the family distress

you told him that isnt true at all and he continues to bring light and happiness to all those around him

hearing that his brothers will come around and know he meant no harm is all he needed to hear

“thank you, mc... i feel less hungry when im with you”

belphie

he has lots of survivors guilt

its been millenia but he still wishes that it was him instead of lilith

because of this he cries quite often, but never in front of anyone other than beel

this feeling that lilith and him should have traded places haunts him often, and its not always so easy to sleep it off

as fore mentioned, he usually finds comfort in talking to his older twin but beel isnt always there

beel was at one of his clubs at rad and belphie didnt want to bother him, but he really did need someone right now

unlike his older brothers, belphie actually makes an effort to find you

he doesnt find you in your room nor the kitchen, so he continues to search around the house in hopes youre around here somewhere

he happens to find you by yourself in the study on your d.d.d.

belphie feels bad bothering you, and enters the room quite quietly

“mc, can we talk?”

he sits down next to you and lays his head on your shoulder

contrary to what he stated he wanted, not much talking is being done

he just lies there quietly crying with no explanation why

he realises he may not be as ready to talk about it as he thought... but thats okay

you tell him that youre going to listen whenever hes ready to talk about it

that makes him feel a lot better

he falls asleep right there with a thankful smile placed on his face

#satans was lowk the hardest to write #i hope i wrote them all well tho >: #also some of these are .. quite long o_o #my apologies #obey me headcanon #obey me #belphie headcanon #beel headcanon #satan headcanon #mammon headcanon #lucifer headcanon #levi headcanon #asmo headcanon

[shysneeze]

good enough (draco malfoy x fem!reader)

Good Enough

Draco Malfoy x fem!Slytherin!Reader 

*based loosley on the song ‘line without a hook’ by ricky montgomery*  

Request: can I ask for Draco x reader where the reader is sassy, but also kind Slytherin (like one of the kind Slytherin)?? And Draco has a huge crush on her? Super fluffy? ~ @lennylangdraws 

Warnings: low self-esteem, angst, smidge of house stereotyping, i don’t know the meaning of fluff im so sorry 

Authors note: you asked for fluff and I have no excuses for how this turned out except this song has been stuck in my head for weeks now. I hope you like it anyway despite the angst... i tried to make it fluffy make up at the end?

Also, I’m not saying this is a prequel to vulnerable love, but it kinda fits... pretty sure it makes vulnerable love hurt more though.)

.

Draco wasn’t sure it was possible to want back what he’s never had.

He never knew being stuck in the awkward phase of being an ‘almost couple’ is something he could miss, that he’d ever long to feel the heat that would creep up his cheeks when their eyes met, to feel the nauseating butterflies flap in his stomach when she smiled at him or the jolt of nervous energy that would rip through him whenever their fingers accidentally grazed each other’s under tables or in corridors.

Yet now that those little things are beyond his grasp, he’s desperate for them again, desperate for her. It might be easier to miss her if she were gone, rather than just sitting at the other end of the Slytherin table, or across the room during classes, it would be easier not to see her, the constant reminder of what he’s allowed him self to ruin.

They weren’t supposed to get along, every conflicting personality trait dooming them to a life as enemies. Everyone knows her, the ‘nice’ Slytherin. It’s a title given to her by her classmates, the too-cocky Gryffindors who can’t see past Slytherin’s bad reputation as bullies and snobs, a bad-reputation fuelled by Draco Malfoy himself.

No one could have expected them to end up the way they did, dates in Hogsmeade or hushed conversations by the common room fire in the early hours of the morning and afternoons spent by the lake. No one could have expected them to get along so well.

Draco knows that everyone has expected this though, for them to fall apart before they’ve even had the chance to begin. It’s what they’ve expected of him all along after all, to break her heart.

He’s pretty sure he hasn’t got the right to be looking for her like this, seeking her out desperately to get her back, once again deluded into believing he ever had her in the first place. He’s the one who called it off in a moment of certainty that it was the right thing to do, a selfless act. And so it’s wrong for him to be here right now, back in their secret spot.

She’s exactly where he assumed she would be, curled beneath the tree she was always affectionately calling theirs. His entire body tenses painfully at the sight of her, face hidden in her palms and body shaking, not from the cold, but from the trembling of barely silenced sobs.

He wonders if it’s his racing heart that she can hear that alerts her to his presence and has her looking up from her hands, teary eyes meeting his in surprise. Then, she pulls her brows into a well-justified scowl and a lump forms in Draco’s throat that he can’t seem to swallow.

“What are you doing here?”

An incredibly valid question for which Draco can only provide selfish answers. It seems silly to tell her that he’s hear to win her back, and futile given her growing anger. Yet he won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t, miserable without her.

“I miss you.” He gulps honestly. “Truthfully, I’ve been a mess without you.”

“Merlin, Draco.” She gasps out a laugh of disbelief. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you started ignoring me. Frankly, that isn’t really my issue.”

“I know.” He sighs apologetically. “I know, I didn’t mean-“

“Just get it over with, Draco.” She rolls her eyes. “Say your piece and leave me alone.”

He nods, taking hesitant steps forward towards her, the frost coated grass crunching under foot. She avoids his eyes as he takes a seat beside her, staring determinedly at her lap and making a conscious attempt to hide the quickly accumulating tears.

“Aren’t you cold?”

She lets out a loud exasperated sigh and refuses him an answer. He agrees with the sentiment of it, regretted the stupidity of it the minute it left his lips. Still, he leans forward to pull the Slytherin scarf from his neck and twists himself to allow him to wrap it loosely around hers, fussing with it until he’s reassured that she’ll be warmer for it.

“You looked cold.”

“Tis’ the season.” She mumbles sarcastically.

Her sarcasm is another thing he’s missed from her, and it draws a momentary smile to his face. Then, the moment is over, and his eyes have fixed on the tear stains painting her cheeks, proof of his own fatal mistake.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N).”

She scoffs.

“Two weeks overdue.”

“I know.” He agrees sheepishly. “I know, (Y/N).”

“Then why are you only here now?” She questions. “Why did you do it in the first place? You can’t just act like you have feelings for someone then disappear and ignore them for weeks!”

Her voice wobbles and cracks at the end, much to her own dismay, and each breath she takes is jagged in the way one’s always is when trying to conceal tears. He watches her press the balls of her palm to her eyes in frustration, letting out a small whimper that has every inch of him aching with remorse.

Part of him, a self-preserving part, tells him to lie. It’s a side of himself he’s grown to hate recently, the side that pushed him into this mess in the first place, and so he knows better than to bargain with it again. So, with a deep breath, he chooses to tell the truth, he chooses to be vulnerable.

“I’m not good enough.”

Although exhaled in a whisper the revelation is startlingly loud. Perhaps its due to the serene quiet always felt on crisp cold days like today, where the sun hangs low in the sky and the lake lies unimaginably still, or perhaps it’s the raw honestly in the statement that makes it seem so alarmingly bold.

She blinks at him, lips parting in surprise and brows furrowing in confusion or concern, Draco isn’t sure. He can hear his pulse in his ears, a slight trembling in his hands that he knows has nothing to do with the chilly breeze. He’s done something profound, terrifying even, and opened that vulnerably part of himself to someone, with no control over what happens to it next.

“What?” She manages.

“Everyone knows it, (Y/N).” He explains nervously. “I’m a terrible match for you.” 

“Who the hell is everyone” She frowns. “Since when did they matter?”

There is a certain protective edge to her voice that he doesn’t deserve, but it replays itself in his head over and over, clinging to it for hope. It takes him a moment to let it go again, to push it down and answer.

“They’re right.” He sighs. “You’re too good a person for me, I’m too Slytherin.”

The concern instantly leaves her eyes, she sits forward with an urgent look of disbelief and another of her signature scoffs. She’s giving him an inspective look, trying to figure out if he’s serious, or if he’s suddenly picked up a new, strange sense of humour.

“You’re kidding, right?”

He isn’t quite sure what to say and his silence fuels another disbelieving shake of her head.

“I am a Slytherin, Draco.” She exclaims. “No matter what those big-headed Gryffindors are always saying, I was sorted into Slytherin and I’m proud of it- you’re supposed to be proud too, not agreeing with those stupid stereotypes.”

“It’s different.” He exhales in frustration. “I am those stupid stereotypes!”

Draco Malfoy has never been considered modest.

Self-confidence isn’t a trait earned in the Malfoy family clan, but rather inherited between generations, a birth right bestowed upon them the minute they are old enough to understand. It’s a confidence Draco has always been comfortably protected by, unwaveringly sure of his own self-importance gifted to him by his ancestors

Yet something about the infamously kind (Y/N) (Y/L/N) has him constantly falling apart at the seams with the need to be good enough for her. He’s never met anyone like her, no one so capable of making him question the unwarranted self-importance he was raised on as a Malfoy.

Even now, wrapped unceremoniously in his scarf, late falling orange leaves lying in her hair and her cheeks stained with tears, he’s never felt so undeserving of a person in his life. She’s a lady, and he’s just a boy, he’s heartbreakingly inadequate.

“I just want to be someone you can be proud to call yours.”

With his eyes solemnly fixed on his lap, anywhere other than her reaction, he jumps slightly at her cold fingertips on his hand, prying them from the tightly curled fists he has no recollection of clenching and slipping her fingers into his.

“Draco, look at me.” She pleads softly. “Please.”

He does so slowly with her encouraging squeeze of his hand, she’s smiling at him, sympathetic, but unpatronizing.

“I am proud.” She states softly, but confidently. “I don’t want some perfect golden boy, I want you, Draco.”

Three words he never knew he needed from her, ‘I want you’, and they fill a space in his chest that was gaping for reassurance. She’s amazed him again as she always does, she has a talent for making him speechless than no one else has ever mastered.

“You’re so harsh on yourself you haven’t even realised how much you’ve grown, Draco.” She informs. “You’re not the bully you used to be, you’re not the carbon copy of your father anymore, and I’m sorry that no one has allowed you to move on from your past to see your present.”

She smiles sheepishly at his dumfounded expression and gives him the moment he needs to collect his thoughts and process it all. Then, slowly, he’s shaking his head in surprise, letting out a soft sigh.

“You’re too good to me.”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” She jokes. “I think I straightened that misconception out already.”

“No but- you’re just so…”

The heat burning his cheeks is worse than ever before, he feels almost overwhelmed by it all, her compliments, her smile, that genuine look in her eyes that convinces him she’s unwaveringly sure of every word she’s said.

“Thank you.” He blurts finally. “Especially after I- well I ruined it all.”

“Yeah, I won’t lie, you really fucked up.” She admits. “But you’ve made an honest recovery…”

“Thank you for giving me a second chance.” He exhales gratefully. “You didn’t need to do that.”

“I was going to tell you to piss off after the ‘are you cold’ bit to be honest.” She chuckles. “Stayed because you gave me your scarf- which I’m stealing by the way.”

“Take it.” He urges, a smile finding his lips for what he’s sure is the first time in two weeks, since his misguided decision to end their almost-relationship. “Take whatever you want from me, it’s yours.”

She lets out a shaky breath and gulps. She purposely drops her gaze momentarily to his lips before retuning them to his eyes again, a gesture that has his eyes widening and the tips of his ears turning scarlet. Slipping her fingers from between his, she tentatively cups one of his cheeks, fingertips grazing the red colour blossoming on his pale skin.

“Can I kiss you?”

“I-“ He chokes. “Yes.”

She smiles nervously, reassuring him that he’s not the only one flustered. Then, curling her free hand around the lapel of his jacket, she pulls him closer with eyes shut. Their lips are cold when they meet, and slightly chapped by the cool air, but neither care. Draco places a hand on her waist, pulling her somehow closer as their lips begin to move hesitantly together. She lets out a soft content sigh, sending a breath of warm air into the kiss and causing him to positively melt inside. She’s done it again, completely incapacitated him with such a simple thing as a kiss.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” He exhales.

She lets out a giddy laugh as she pulls back, forehead still pressed to his and eyes still shut.

“There are worst ways to go than my lips.”

He knows, he’s very quickly decided that’s the only way he ever wants to go.  She presses her lips to his again for a split second before pulling back completely, he aches for the feeling again, greedy for it now that he’s felt it once.

“Next time, talk to me.” She pleads. “If you ever feel like you’re not good enough, I’ll be there to convince you otherwise, but don’t just disappear.”

“I won’t.” He assures. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know that, Draco.” She smiles sadly. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me.”

“I do.”

The hard part, that initial step, is over. He’s leapt into the unknown, flung himself into the terrifying depths of vulnerability, and there is no going back, but he never wants to, he never wants to leave her again.

“Also if I ever hear you speaking shit about our house again I swear to-“

She’s cut off by his lips once again on hers, startled only for a minute before she’s grinning, grateful to see his confidence returning. She can feel his own grin on her lips and the vibrations of a light laugh before he’s pulling back again.

“Consider me warned.”

“Good.” She exhales. “Or I’ll be confiscating your tie next.”

. 

(Authors note: its not my favourite but if i rewrote it one my time i was flinging my laptop out my window... its not particularly proofread.)

#draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy imagine #draco x reader #draco malfoy fan fic #draco imagine #draco malfoy angst

[triggerhappyimagines]

Headcanons for insecure S/O

yes yes yes you can! i suffer alot with this as well so i fully understand. sorry if i implement a bit of my experience here, as mentioned if youd like me to change anything feel free to let me know!

tw// weight, one curse word

-mod ouma

Korekiyo Shinguji

-once you decide to tell him about your insecurity, hes absolutely baffled

-you..

-you don’t find your body beautiful??????

-it’s probably one of the main reasons he sees true beauty in you.

-of course, he doesn’t express his shock to you to avoid making you feel bad, but he immediately sits you down and listens to you calmly, taking every bit of information seriously.

-he will listen to you intently while holding your hand reassuringly, giving you any time you may need to organize your thoughts.

-once you’re done, he’d squeeze your hand and take a second to come up with words, as hes still in disbelief that you’re insecure.

- he is so so glad you had the confidence to tell him and he lets you know that anytime you feel like this, you are fully allowed to come to him for help.

-as for how he would help you out, i feel he would be really great help, not just comforting wise but in general.

-if you’re having an off day, you would come to him and let him know what’s bothering you. once you’re done, he’d tell you the sweetest reassuring words whilst holding you close and pulling down his mask to give you a kiss on the forehead.

-”I know it can get hard S/O, but every single human is different from the other and that’s no reason to beat yourself up for it. Your own unique body is absolutely beautiful and maybe it will take some time for you to realize that, but know I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

-logical but sweet comforting is Kiyo’s specialty.

-if you one day decide you want to do something about your chubbiness, he will be supportive! he will exersice with you and help cook healthy meals, he’ll also give you methods from different cultures obviously.

-overall a supportive baby who wants the best for you!!!

Nagito Komaeda

-he’s noticed you start acting a little weird for a while, things like wearing oversized shirts or keeping your arms around yourself around him and all your friends.

-once he finally decided to ask you about it, you tried to convince him there was absolutely nothing to worry about, but he’s not dense.

-the boy knows lots on insecurities and self loathing, how dare you try to fool him??????

-anyway, he wont force you to tell him but he wont dismiss it because he’s actually pretty worried.

-once you actually decide to tell him, he’ll be there in a heartbeat to comfort you, giving you advice he wished someone said to him when he was down. he’ll probably say a few wrong things at first but quickly fix it if he notices it upset you! he may be a little insensitive but it doesn’t mean he’ll pruposely hurt you.

-when you were feeling too down on yourself, he’d scoop you up in his arms and lay you on a couch or bed (whatever is closer) and began peppering your entire face in kisses.

-if you allowed him to, he’d also place little kisses on your stomach and places you disliked about yourself.

-afterwards, he’d hold you close and begin asking what he can do to help you feel better. if you decide to get thinner, he’ll help you in anyway he can but reassures you that you should only do this for yourself, not because of him or other people. he will never suggest you doing anything to change yourself though, he loves you regardless and reminds that to you a lot.

-expect him to be constantly complimenting you afterwards, very supportive and understanding boy!!

Gundham Tanaka

-he understands but hates it >:(

-his beloved is unhappy with themselves? but how?

-he’d pull you outside either to a balcony or just some type of nice place to look at the sky to talk to you about it, wants you to be relaxed and know he will be there to listen.

-quickly loses his “i am satan himself” act and listens to what you say, all while letting you hold the Four Dark Devas of Destruction. you both can’t help but chuckle at the sight of cham-p rolling around in your lap.

-once you finish venting to him a little, he’d sccop up said hamster and hold him to your face.

-”Cham-p is not the thinnest little beast in the world, it does not change his immense power and potential to rule over all mortals!”

-makes little jokes like that in attempts to cheer you up, obviously takes your concerns seriously though! after getting a few smiles out of you, he’d hesitantly wrap an arm around you and plop the little rodent back in your lap, his cheeks flushing due to the hug and looking up at the clouds while he thinks of what to say.

-”S/O, regardless of how you may think of yourself, you must realize your true power and worth. Although you might not see it now, your beloved believes in you! You will not be alone through your thoughts or journey, I will be here to encourage you whenever you might feel like this again. Nothing is wrong with the way you are, please keep that in mind.”

-anytime you’re feeling low, he’ll remind you constantly that theres absolutely nothing wrong with how you are and will spoil you for the day, won’t leave you alone to drown in your thoughts.

-genuinely just wishes he could do more for you, but tries his hardest to at least take those thoughts off your mind for a little and make you smile.

-hamster boy just wants you to be happy :(

Mondo Owada

-when you suddenly come to him for exersice advice one day, hes slightly surprised. he asks you what you need to exercise for, and when you tell him you’re wanting to lose weight he’d be kind of confused but agree.

-once you open up about why you suddenly want to lose weight, he’ll be really understanding about it yet kind of angry towards whatever is making you feel that way.

-”Insecure? You’re perfectly healthy though, why is it so bad? S/O, did someone make you feel this way? Tell me who made you feel this way and I’ll beat them to a fucking pulp!!”

-you have to reassure him it’s just an internal struggle and he has absolutely nothing to worry about before he gets too crazy, though.

-once you explain further, he’ll understand and assure you you’re damn amazing just how you are! he finds you so so so strong for being able to deal with that and admires your determination to get your head out of that bad place.

-when you’re feeling down, he’ll hold you close in his muscular arms and try to encourage you, all while pointing out little things he loved about you. he’d also suggest to take you out on a motorcycle ride to take some air.

-he might even let you work out with him for a bit if you want!

-it gets really fun after a while, while you’re doing some pushups he’ll come and randomly start tickling you, leading to you losing balance and giving him even more access to tickle you, causing a literal tickle fight on the floor.

-it all just always ends in laughs and you fully forget about your worries, happy to have your huge and built boyfriend by your side to cheer you up and help you.

Ishimaru Kiyotaka

-first he notices the way you look at yourself in the mirror or how your excitement turns to disappointment when you try on new clothing. he doesn’t ask at first, but he begins noticing more little changes in your behavior and finally decides to come to you about it.

-a lot of worrying

-A LOT.

-he’d frown and ask what it is making you feel like this, sitting you down for you to be comfortable as you vent. once you let everything out he understands a little more.

-does not mean he stops worrying

-”S/O, you have great potential! Do not let these dark thoughts haunt you so much, you are much more than what your mind tells you and I believe in you to see it! I’m here for you always, love. You’re the strongest person I have ever met!”

-he tells you not to tell his bro about the last part though.

-ishimaru is really protective and loving, so on your down days, he would sit you down and let you talk it out and he will give you his best advice then hug you tightly. he’ll point out all your great qualities and give you a kiss on the forehead when he’s done.

-he’ll hold you for as long as you need and provide all the comfort he can give for as long as you need it! after a few days, he’ll leave little notes around places he knows you’ll go to. all the little notes always hold cute little words such as “you look amazing today!” or “remember to drink lots of water!”

-overall just really understanding and caring, willing to do anything to help you. best boy taka!

and finish! god im so sorry for taking hours on this, i got a little blocked of ideas, so im sorry if its a little repetitive or something :( i hope you enjoy this and if youd like me to fix anything please please feel free to let me know! also, if you need anyone to talk to i’m here for you, anon <3

-mod ouma

#drv3 scenarios #drv3 headcanons #mondo owada #ishimaru kiyotaka #korekiyo shinguji #gundham tanaka #nagito komaeda #mondo scenarios #ishimaru scenarios #korekiyo scenarios #gundham scenarios #nagito scenarios #drv2 scenarios #drv1 scenarios #danganronpa headcanons #danganronpa imagines #danganronpa #danganronpa scenarios #danganronpa ships #mod ouma

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

Matchup for @nad-zeta! (Milestone Celebration)

Zeta, my sweet sweet Zeta, here’s your matchup! You have been such an angel, both in your patience and your general loveliness.💛 I’m sorry it took a little longer than expected, but I hope it was worth the wait! It’s pretty long (~3000 words lolllll) so it’s all under the cut. Sorry, I got carried away! :’) xx

So, without further ado, based on the information you gave me I matched you with...

Saeyoung!

take care of my bby pls

I feel like I need to say that I kept going back and forth between him and Zen. Zen was a VERY close second, so I kinda half match you up with him too. That being said, there were some things you mentioned that made me lean more towards Saeyoung, which will be explained below :))

~

Reasoning & General Headcanons!

“🥰 i am a aries, infp, ravenclaw female 🦊”

An Aries you say...?

Need I say more? Absolute chaotic duo. The energy is buzzing, and the people you hang out are always amused by your shenanigans.

As an INFP, you are caring, loyal, and sensitive, which are traits that I believe Saeyoung would benefit from in a partner. He also hides his true emotions well, so someone with your personality type would be able to pick up on the signs that he is feeling low, even if he tries to hide it. Your loyalty and devotion also helps him feel secure, which considering everything he’s been through, is something I feel he would struggle with, particularly in the early stages of a relationship.

On the flip side, Saeyoung is also incredibly loyal. And whilst he does joke around and tease, he knows how sensitive topics and comments can affect someone, so he is never careless, especially since (as an INFP) you often take things to heart. As a team, you work well together because you view the world slightly differently. You’re an idealist, whereas he’s a realist; you focus on the big picture, whereas he has an incredible attention to detail. This is really helpful in difficult conversations, big decisions, plans for the future etc, because whilst your opinions may differ, you offer the other a different side of the story. You get the best of both worlds!

I don’t know my Harry Potter houses very well, but from my memory and a quick Google search, Ravenclaws value knowledge and are wise, intelligent and witty. Sounds familiar? ;) i mean wise is debatable lol. Your conversations are sooo interesting and natural, because you’re both very intelligent in many ways.

“i am pretty shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating.”

Okay, this was one of the key things that made me match you with Saeyoung. A huge reason why I love Saeyoung so much is that there is a high level of comfort in a relationship with him. By that I mean that he is so open and fun that there is literally zero judgment. Judgment is such a foreign concept to him in this kind of situation. He makes you so comfortable that it’s so easy to be yourself around him, and it doesn’t take long for him to get to know you.

GIRL HE’S THE SAME. The king of bottling up his emotions. This means that y’all know when something is up, you can see the signs. You are understanding of each other, so discussions happen and actions are put into place before things become too much.

Saeyoung sometimes just needs to be told when he’s being a lil prick. You are kind and gentle when he needs it, but also can be blunt with him when it gets silly. I mean, if MC was like you towards the end of his route, we would have got through the whole “i’M tOo dAnGeRoUs gEt aWaY” thing SO much more quickly.

Once you’re comfy with him, you become an absolutely unstoppable force. When he teases you, you tease him back. When he’s being playful, you’re his partner in crime. Y’all are so goofy. Your life is full of laughs and joy with Saeyoung.

Sarcastic comments, dark humour and self-deprecating jokes? Yep that’s also very Saeyoung. Sometimes you two have to reel it in a bit when you’re hanging out with others because YOU’RE OUT OF CONTROL TOGETHER.

“I love my friends and family and will fight anyone who threatens them, although when it comes to me, you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly can't stand up for myself).”

IT’S LIKE HE’S LOOKING IN A MIRROR. Seriously though, he knows the importance of self worth because he knows, firsthand, the damage that can be done when you don’t value yourself and your wellbeing. He makes it his mission to help you see how worthy you are of respect and give you confidence to stand up for yourself. Even if you won’t do it for yourself, he’ll stand up for you. He cares too much about his loved ones to let them be treated wrongly.

He feels how much you love him and your other friends/family which makes him feel so secure, and he also has a phenomenal amount of love in his heart to give and he ain’t afraid to do so.

“I swear like a sailor although I am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.”

Finds your road rage and swearing SO amusing. Constantly teasing you about it and winding you up, but it’s all in good fun.

Absolutely has a swear jar for you. No doubt about it.

“You’ve corrupted my good, Catholic ears.” “Saeyoung shut the fuck up.”

“I love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life”

I mean, we know he adores cats, and I imagine he loves other animals too.

I also imagine he loves camping, and I don’t even know why. He just gives me camping vibes. Weekends away spent in nature, sleeping in a tent and sitting round a fire in the evenings are pretty common for you.

I know this is ~controversial~ topic in the fandom, but I am of the opinion that Saeyoung also works out.

Do I think he’s completely ripped? No, probably not. But he’s strong, lean at the very least. Even Jaehee admits it! He makes working out so much fun and it’s always a bit of a laugh.

“i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery”

The first time he tasted your food, he almost cried. Poor boi lived off eating crisps and soda for God knows how long.

“Wait, you’re not meant to constantly feel like you're gonna throw up? Food is meant to have...flavour???”

Help him

Saeyoung is pretty social, but also needs time to recharge like you, though he can go a bit longer than you and doesn’t easily get drained by social interactions. This may seem like a problem when you spend time with friends, but it’s actually such a blessing. If you’re feeling exhausted when socialising, he knows and will “take the wheel” if you will. There’s nothing worse than trying to keep a conversation going or seeming upbeat when you literally don’t have the energy, so Saeyoung is there to help you out. He’s also super good at politely and subtly taking you out of those situations if you are super drained and need to recharge.

He’s also such a gossip so if you got tea to spill he’s ready to hear it, and you know he ALWAYS has tea to spill. Sneaky man

“i like conspiracies, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), rom coms, and  sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato.”

Discussions about conspiracies over dinner lol. He is in possession of some...top secret information, so those conversations are very interesting and eye opening ;)

He LOVES to read your writing. It literally doesn’t matter what it’s about, he finds it truly fascinating. It’s a little glimpse into who you are, and it’s something you created!!! By yourself!!!! HE LOVES THAT. Always impressed with what you write, every time. He’s so proud.

ROM COMS WHILST CUDDLING ON THE COUCH

He’s a cryer, he loves rom coms.

He works super hard, so he’s always down to have a lazy day with you!!

“I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken time and tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein)”

He. loves. Making. You. blush. I’m sorry, but it’s one of his favourite things. He thinks it’s so adorable, so prepare for all the teasing, lewd jokes and general flirtiness that’ll get your cheeks burning ;)

He’s not keen on crowds either, so that’s not a problem!! I imagine he occasionally goes on night’s out with the bois (and by bois I mean usually just Zen and Yoosung LOL) but he’s not often out until super late, and he’s super respectful of you. Would never ask you to do something or go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable.

“i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure.   I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).”

CUDDLE MONSTER. I actually think he’s the biggest cuddler in the RFA. Controversial I know, but damn Saeyoung loves a cuddle. He’s a spontaneous cuddler. Like it doesn’t matter what the situation is, if you need a cuddle or he just fancies one, he’ll find a way.

He sees right through your calmness and confidence, because he’s exactly the same. This puts him in the perfect position to reassure you and lift you up. He’s a great hype man!

He finds your awkwardness adorable, and your sarcastic comments just make him love you even more! He has a good sense of humour and doesn’t take things too seriously if they don’t need to be, so he’s constantly laughing with you and easing your mind in the very early stages of your relationship.

“I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.”

Based on what happens on his route, it’s very handy that you are a forgiving person hahah

But again, if Saeyoung thinks you are being treated wrongly and being hurt, he will stand up for you.

His dedication to protecting the ones he loves is STRONG. I mean, look at his relationship with Saeran and the way he is constantly looking out for you in ALL routes.

Of course, he won’t say or do anything to that person if that makes you uncomfortable. Instead, he will constantly reassure you of your self-worth and remind you that you deserve better, but will also support the decisions you make.

If you want to forgive and forget, he will respect that, even if he thinks differently.

“What am i looking for in a potential partner?.... well i definitely think i need someone that could bring me out my shell initially, also someone who isn't too sensitive cause like i said i can be super sarcastic and my jokes kinda match that (like in my family we show out affection for each other via playful insults and savage comments)😂😂”

As I stated above, I think Saeyoung is the best person to help bring you out of your shell. There’s no judgment and no shame with this man.

I find that someone being unapologetically themself is SO contagious, and Saeyoung is exactly that - unapologetically himself.

We’ve all seen his humour, he doesn’t seem to be particularly sensitive either so you’re all good there hahaha. Obviously everyone does have their limits, so whilst their are topics/jokes that would probably make him uncomfortable (e.g. stuff relating to Saeran), overall, he’s chill and ALWAYS ready to joke around with you.

The roast battle is so real with you two LOL

“i kinda want someone stable, hard working, decisive, ambitious and who can push me out of my confort zone and vice versa.🦋”

He goofs around, but there’s no denying that this man works HARD.

Once he leaves the agency and starts his new life with you, I can imagine him being super ambitious and also aiming for stability.

His life before had been so restrictive yet so uncertain. He had to do what he was told, but never knew what was just around the corner.

This makes me think that he would crave the stability and certainty that he never had (a ‘normal’ life, if you will), but also he’d want to try so many things that he hadn’t before. He strikes me as a ‘go big or go home’ kinda guy, so I think it’s safe to say that he would be ambitious in many ways.

The only thing I don’t think he ticks the box on is decisiveness, at least not at the beginning. I think he usually knows what he wants, but rarely acts on that.

“It’s up to you”, “whatever you want” and “I don’t mind” are very common phrases for him lol. I think he would learn to be more decisive once he gets comfortable. I also think he has his moments of assertiveness though, when he’s in the right mood.

“Also someone who is family oriented and loving (someone that can cuddle me when im having a bad day)☺ and someone who can make me laugh, cause i love joking around so i kinda think i need someone who could match that🌻”

SAEYOUNG. IS. SUCH. A. FAMILY. MAN.

Again, look at what he’s done for Saeran and how deeply he cares for and loves him. A ‘normal’ family was something that was absent in his life, so when he has his own family (whether that be a found family or one he made) he would cherish that so strongly, maybe more than most.

SAEYOUNG. IS. A. CUDDLE. MONSTER.

He could be working at his desk and suddenly think “you know what? It’s snuggle time” and then he would search the house for you to give you The Snuggle™

Again, he’s also VERY observant and his attention to detail is impeccable, so he can instantly tell if you’re having a bad day and will act accordingly - aka SNUGGLE TIME

I mean, need I say more? If you want someone who makes you laugh, Saeyoung is the guy. There is never a dull day when he’s around, and the house is always filled with laughter!

So yeah....that’s my reasoning :’)) now onto your very own drabble!! This is all yours, so if there’s anything you’d like me to change or add, PLEASE let me know!! I’m more than happy to edit anything to make it more personalised for you, just shoot me a message and I’ll be on it, same goes for anything I’ve said above!!🥰

~

Drabble!

“Saeyoung! Can you come here a second?”

You called out to him from the kitchen, stirring from a pot whilst its contents quietly bubbled away. You could hear the music blaring from his headphones all the way from the other room, with the occasional hum or drum on his desk. Evidently, he hadn’t heard you.

“SAEYOUNG CHOI GET YOUR FINE ASS IN HERE.”

The music ceased, followed by rapid pattering as he darted into the room, nearly skidding round the doorway. 

“I heard ‘fine ass’ and here I am,” he smirked, sauntering over to you and snaking his strong, secure arms around your middle. He swayed you from side to side, planting a wet kiss on your cheek, much to your dismay. Saeyoung merely chuckled, resting his chin on your shoulder, “What do you need, witch lady?”

“Why ‘witch lady’?”

“Well, whatever you’re cooking is giving me witchy vibes. It looks like a potion in a cauldron. Look at you with your double double toil and trouble-OW! Don’t pinch me!”

“Sorry, it’s a witch thing,” you winked, spinning around in his grip so you were face-to-face. “You sure you’re not the witch? You do have the nose for it.”

“I’ve also got the dress and hat in the attic, shall I go put it on?”

“Try this for me first.” You held the wooden spoon out to him as he took a sip, chuckling at the way his brows furrowed in thought.

He smacked his lips a few times, hummed then finally looked back to you, “It’s good.”

“That’s it? That’s all you got?”

“You do realise that my taste buds have essentially been burned off by chips and soda, right? I have no idea if something’s bad or not.”

“You’re right. I should call Jumin.”

“You can’t,” he informed, his smirk growing ever wider as he moved towards the snack cupboard, “Mr Han has a date tonight.”

The spoon clattered against the counter, your mouth agape, “You’re shitting me.”

“That’s another coin in the swear jar.” Saeyoung chucked a packet of candy in your direction, though it only hit you in the face before falling unceremoniously onto the kitchen floor, “I think we need to get your reflexes checked, babe.”

“Tell me everything.”

He took a seat on a breakfast stool and chortled as you leaned over the counter, eyes showing your eagerness to hear the gossip. And he was more than happy to provide, “He appears to be really into her. Like, really into her. She seems to just get him, you know? I could hear his smile down the phone when he told me about her earlier.”

“Earlier? Why are you only just telling me this now?!”

“Do you wanna hear the rest of it or not?”

Huffing, you perched on the seat next to him, stealing a piece of his candy despite his look of horror, “Okay, well where did he meet such a woman?”

“You’re never gonna believe it.”

“Try me.”

Saeyoung was enjoying himself far too much. He couldn’t wait another moment to witness your reaction, “She’s Zen’s co-star.”

“NO.”

“YES.”

The tea had been spilt, and things were about to get very interesting within the RFA.

Your eyes were glued to his as he continued to disclose the details. At some point you had wrapped your arm around his, his other hand encompassing yours. He abruptly stopped halfway through describing the first encounter, causing you to quirk an eyebrow impatiently, “What?”

“Do you smell burning?”

“...Fuck.”

“And another one for the swear jar.”

~

@nad-zeta​ there we go my love, I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! I am so grateful for your support, it never fails to make me smile when I see you pop up in my notifs. You are beautiful, kind, bright person and you deserve the world. Thank you again for all you’ve done and all you do💛💛 Take care of yourself, my friend! xxx

(Note for other readers: I usually don’t do matchups, this was for a special occasion! I doubt I’ll open up requests for them later on, but never say never!)

#sunny's 500 milestone #matchup #nad-zeta #saeyoung choi #mystic messenger

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

#.txt

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

“Do you know who I am...?”

words not working but, Glimmer is deliberately soft with Adora in a way she really just isn’t with anyone else, and probably wasn’t much in general before and

i think that’s an important part of everything??

including how things when down when Shadow Weaver tried to wipe Adora’s memories, and what happened right afterwards

-

what Adora gets from Glimmer is support, comfort, hope, security

what Glimmer gets from Adora is- The feeling of finally being on even footing with someone for once. Finding a patient/careful side to herself she maybe never knew she had, a part of herself she can trust completely and be proud of. And the- idk, relief???- of seeing someone dealing with a lot of the same pressures and fears as her, but being able to give help this time instead of just needing it  

they’re on even footing because they both know the other isn’t perfect and can be wrong, can make really big mistakes (eps 1&2) no matter how well they meant.  

and they’re both rash af compared to Bow. Adora never tells Glimmer to slow down or says hey maybe this isn’t sucha good idea, bc often Adora herself is the one who came up with said Probably Bad Idea in the first place (re: trying to heal someone with an unreliable magic sword that could just vaporize them instead). Glimmer can relax with her, she’s not left feeling like a scewup like she is when Bow, or worse, her mom worries about her

those worries feel like doubt, a vote of no confidence chipping away at Glimmer’s already dangerously low self confidence

none of that is a thing with Adora

with Bow formerly as her only friend, im pretty sure being free of that is something Glimmer’s NEVER had before, someone she’s equal to

part of that is also how much Adora’s stresses and fears mirrors Glimmer’s. A She-Ra who has no idea how to She-Ra and the (in Glimmer’s opinion, which, as Bow has pointed out, is WRONG) weak and disappointing daughter of the immortal queen of the rebellion. The fate of the rebellion rests a lot on their shoulders. They’re both terrified of making mistakes. Neither of them feel good enough but have to try

they’re both also people who have family they never knew / a dad who died, and were left with a parental figure that was either unintentionally undermining their sense of self worth, or was, y’know, literally brainwashing and manipulating them

which means when Adora gets scared or unsure or freaks out, Glimmer can get why, knows what that’s like, and tries to be as steady and reassuring for her as she can

she’s makes an effort to be with Adora like Bow is with her, except Bow (if word of god is true about the Two Dads) doesn’t share the same kinds of parents c*rap Adora and Glimmer have, and isn’t She-Ra or Angellas daughter

whether or not he’s compassionate enough to imagine what they’re going through, just that fact is probably enough to make Glimmer feel like Bow’s sympathy is, not hollow but, there’s this tinge of ‘you have no idea what this is really like’ that isn’t there with Adora. Adora knows. Adora’s dealing with it too. And Glimmer can help

she can HELP! Between her mom constantly scolding her for being reckless, Bow trying to make sure she doesn’t get herself killed, and her aunt going overboard on the affection to the point where it’s embarrassing and makes Glimmer feel like she’d being treated like a little kid- She’s never been in the the position of being the one who can worry, explain things, give some very needed comfort. She’s never felt she had something to offer other than what she can do in fighting the Horde

but she helps Adora by being soft. By just being Glimmer, not a princess or a commander, and the Glimmer who is neither a princess or a commander isn’t someone Glimmer’s thought of before, I’m thinking 

-

So who is Glimmer when she’s not fighting the Horde or trying to prove herself to her mom? 

these days she’s the girl who Adora trusts completely. She’s the girl who can make Adora relax and calm down with a touch and a few words

“Glimmer-?”

“Right here, Adora.”

She’s the one Shadow Weaver impersonated in Mystacor to break Adora and her name was the one Adora called out after waking up from a nightmare. And again, just a touch, just a few words, and all Adora very real and fresh fear was washed away again

She, Glimmer with nothing else attached to her in those moments, is someone who can get things right for once

When she’s with Adora, when she sees Adora enjoying herself despite everything she has and is living through- Glimmer can look at Adora’s smile and feel good. Confident and certain that she is at least not making a mistake here. Because to Glimmer there is no question that Adora deserves to be happy, and there is no question that Glimmer is helping her slowly figure out how to be

-

maybe that’s why one of reasons why she said what she did after Shadow Weaver nearly wiped all that from Adora’s memory

not “Do you remember Sh-Ra” 

even though that’s what SW specifically threatened to erase, even though She-Ra is the rallying point they’re all counting on to turn the tide against the Horde

not “Can you remember the Rebellion” or “Do you know who you are” even though narrativily those could both have led to some very satisfyingly impactful answers- 

(imagine Adora answering with ‘I’m Adora, of the Rebellion’ or ‘She-Ra’, finally cementing her new life right after SH tried to strip it away) (imagine Adora answering back ‘Force Captain Adora’ and Glimmer’s look of horror before Adora slowly amends ‘wait.. no...’ as she remembers)

Glimmer could have even said “Do you remember me?” and that would have make perfect sense for the moment!

but she doesn’t say any of that

Glimmer unties Adora and, in a small and fragile voice, she asks

-

“Do you know who I am..?”

-

because there is a part of Glimmer that Adora brings out. There are sides to her that she feels only Adora really shares

there is a version of her that she’s discovered since becoming friends with Adora, a version of her herself that she feels proud of and confident in, someone who is not a failure

and she was scared

Adora did know who Glimmer was. she knew her in ways no one else did

but what if she didn’t anymore?

and what if her losing everything Glimmer had tried to help her find, safety, freedom, fun- What if the reason Adora lost it all and was stuck back in the dark because she gave herself up for Glimmer

because Glimmer screwed up. Got distracted. Rushed in. Got captured. The one thing she thought she could do right, help Adora, protect her, save her, she ended up ruining anyway. Mystacor all over again except the Glimmer who’d been key to Shadow Weaver getting her hands on Adora hadn’t been a fake this time 

Adora had been hurt. Because of her

and watching while it happened maybe Glimmer wondered if the person she thought she could be for Adora... was never actually real 

But. She. IS

she DID save Adora. She couldn’t break free when her magic was fresh and SW was taunting her about her mom getting ready to surrender, the end of the Rebellion just hours away- Glimmer tried to break free then and she COULDN’T

but when Adrora came for her later, found her tired out from struggling, maybe unconscious seeing how her doesn’t answer Adora’s first panicked yells. When she was worn down and had tried and tried to break free without anything but pain to show for it. When she should have been even weaker than she had been before-

it didn’t matter

being there for Adora is part of Glimmer now. A very IMPORTANT and STRONG part of her. So when Adora needed her most...

she was there

She got there in time

and that’s what Adora’s answer really meant to her 

“Adora! Are you okay?”

“...Do you know who I am?”

“....Glimmer.”

it wasn’t just yes i remember you. Adora saying her name and smiling as she did was proof that everything that had come before had been Real, Glimmer hadn’t been fooling herself

THIS is who she really is 

She is Glimmer 

And she’ll always, always be there when Adora needs her

#spop #she-ra #glimmer #adora #glimadora #glimmadora #meta #ffff #f

[latina4bangtan]

Let’s Make a Deal

“Let’s Do this” 

Pt. 5

Namjoon POV

It wasn’t until she had turned her back that it hit him how harsh his words had really been. What made it even worse was the fact that he could hear her small sobs. Don’t get me wrong he was known to be a ruthless man but never to those who didn’t deserve it.  He never would hurt an innocent person.......but yet here you were crying beside him.

Maybe that’s why he felt bad.... because he realized that  you were just an innocent person who got caught in a bad situation.

This was new to him just like it was for you.

All he could do was look at your figure and wonder how this was going to work.

———————————————-

Next Morning

(Y/N) POV

You don’t remember when you finally fell asleep but it wasn’t shocking to wake up and find an empty bed.  

“Figures he’d be gone already.” You said to yourself.

Afterwards you showered and made yourself somewhat presentable but not before your stomach made the most inhuman noise you’d ever heard.

Obviously you were hungry.

“Welp there’s nothing in here to eat so might as well go see what I find cause starving is definitely not gonna happen.”

As you were heading out the door you noticed a little note on the nightstand.

“We have an event to go to tonight. Be ready by 7...it’s formal”

Great.

Walking downstairs you made your way to the kitchen to see what you could make to calm the monster that was your stomach.  

“Hmmmm what am i about to stuff my face with?” You say as you were going through the fridge.

“Anything I can help with?”

“HOLY SHIZ SEONHWA you scared me half to death.”

“sorry bout that.” She said while trying to contain the the huge grin from spreading across her face.

“If you’re so sorry why are you trying not to laugh hmmmm”

“You’re face was priceless.”

“Ew I can only imagine what my face looked like.” You say giving her a warm smile.

“Anyway is there something I could possibly get you?”

“You wouldn’t happen to have chorizo would you?”

She looked at you with a puzzled face giving you the answer you were dreading.

“That’s ok. Anything is fine I’m not picky.”

“Alright I’ll get started on it.”

You sat there with her as she cooked making small talk. Even though you just got to your new “home” you knew that you probably would have gone crazy if it weren’t for her being so welcoming. You were beyond grateful for her at this moment.

“Do you need me to help you with getting ready for tonight?” She said which brought you right back to earth.

“Ahhhh so Im assuming he told you to help me right?”

“He did.”

“Makes sense I suppose....have to keep up appearances....that’s what I’m here for.“

“I don’t think that’s the only reason.”

“Whether it is or isn’t only he knows. But i don’t have anything to wear for that type of event. Got any ideas on what to do? “

“He’s known about the event for awhile so he’s already gone ahead and picked out a gown for you for tonight. All you need to worry about is hair and makeup and I can help you with that if you would like.”

“I honestly think I would have already lost my mind if you weren’t here.”

—————————————————

“Seonhwa idk if we can be friends anymore”

“What makes you say that?”

“My grandma always told me to stay away from brujería and that’s  what you just did cause no way that’s me in the mirror.”

“You’re being dramatic. You look amazing.”

Still shocked you look back in the mirror. Not trying to be conceited but the woman who looked back at you....she was gorgeous. Your dark brown hair had been curled and that seamlessly fell down your shoulders. Makeup was subtle with a very easy Smokey eye but dramatic red lipstick.

“Alright now for the dress.”

“I’m curious of two things. One did he pick a dress for me without me giving him my size and second what could he have picked?”

While you were saying these things seonhwa had gone to the closet to grab the dress. When she came back you had to gather your jaw from the floor.

“Wtf. It’s beautiful.”

It was a simple yet beautiful sequin dress with a low cut and spaghetti straps and a slit that came up about mid thigh.

“Shall we put it on?”

“I suppose so he should be here any minute.”

With that you slipped on the dress and to your surprise it fit completely to your body in the most perfect way.

“Damnit!”

“What’s wrong?”

“As much as I hate to admit it. He did really good with this dress. This dress has me feeling like a bad bitch that can take on the world.”

“I’m glad you liked the dress.”

You hadn’t even noticed that Namjoon had entered the room so when he decided to make his presence known you almost jumped out of your skin.

“Seonhwa i appreciate you helping my wife prepare for tonight. You’re free to go home whenever.”

“Yes Mr. Kim I’ll go ahead and grab my things and I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

“That’s not necessary. Please enjoy you’re weekend. I’ll see you Monday morning.”

With that she bowed and headed out the door. As soon as she was gone he turned to you and looked you over from head to toe.

“You look very nice.”

“Ermmmm....thank you.”

“Is it true what you said?”

“In regards to what exactly?”  

“This dress making you feel like a bad bitch I do believe we’re your exact words.”

OH. MY. GOD. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

Self we have got to start watching what we say out loud. In this very moment if the universe decided to swallow you whole you honestly wouldn’t even be mad.

“Uh I mean I guess you could say that.” Feeling yourself blush you try not to face him. This was beyond embarrassing and he knew it.

“Is that not what you said?”

“I mean yes it was but still...you know you didn’t have to repeat it.”

He gave you a small smile. For a second you thought he was trying not to laugh. This was the first time you had seen him be anything but cold but as quick as it happened it was gone.

“Well I hope that this dress gives you that confidence because you’re going to need it.”

“Why do you say that.” Instantly you feel defensive but you knew he wasn’t trying to make a snark comment at you. He was simply giving you a warning.

“These people are going to try to get to you for the reason that you’re my wife. I will try to be by your side and guide you through the night but there will be times when I can’t be right there with you......I’m telling you this because there will be people who try to get to you I want you to understand this and be prepared.....Do you understand?”

Once again you found you brain going a million miles an hour.

“I can do this.” You said more as a reassurance to yourself.

“I believe you.” Was all he said as he extended his arm out to you.

“Shall we go?”

You didn’t know why but you found a sense of reassurance as you linked your arm with his.

“Let’s go.”

Author’s Note:

GUYS I’m sorry it takes me FOREVER to update :( It’s a but for me to transfer my writing to tumblr from my phone but if anything you can always check my Wattpad to see if i haven’t updated there. Username is the same as my tumblr. Thank you all for giving this story much love.

#namjoon #kim namjoon #bts #bangtan #kpop #imagine #fanfic #bts fanfic #namjoon one shot #namjoon series #rm #rapmon #rapmonster #bts namjoon #bts scenarios #bts fanfictin #bts imagines #bts au #arranged marriage #suga #bts smut #jimin #v #park jimin #jungkook #jhope #jin #latina #bts mafia

[fixingforeverandalways]

I know you need time...

And im listening, and im hearing you. I now understand, and this was my doing and honestly it’s the least I deserve. But I miss you, and I love you on such a level it’s hard to be without you - I know the past near 11 months since we got in contact again have not all been smooth sailing, but we have had some more than good times, you’ve become my safety in a world full of so much bad stuff.

You are my soul mate, and I will forever stand by that, it destroys me knowing that I’ve put us through this and all that echos in my head is you apologising for breaking my heart, well what about yours? I seen the look in your eyes today and I know you’re hurting just as bad as I am for being away from me, it feels so so wrong to be apart but I know that you deserve the time and space to establish your own life - so do I - so we can find the perfect way to fuse our lives together and settle down properly. by choice. without any rush or stress. Honestly we both deserve that - i so desperately need the stability of my own strength and i so desperately need a support system in place to turn to when things feel low - and despite getting there without having you 24/7, you will always be and are the centre of that support system, you’re my safe haven and the person I trust the most. In your arms with your voice soothing me, feeling your toastie tootsies at the bottom of the bed - that is the core of my support system and nothing will ever change or replace the feeling i get with you.

ive just taken that for granted too much. I like to think that in time, as I prove to you just how serious i am, and just how capable I am, that you will let me be yours too - i dont want to be the cause of your pain and suffering and i simply wont be any longer. i refuse. if it were down to me we’d be in a home together, taking a few days to ourselves but knowing we have the security of eachother at the end of it. because that’s something we both need, security - knowing that the other person has us 100%, and you’ve proven yourself to me time and time again and even more so in the last two days with your honesty and openness and willingness. and now it’s my turn.

honestly i know me and I know my personality and I know my ability to overcome in situations where i risk losing something i hold close to me. Ahead of me I’ve got 7 weeks of CBT over that period will cover a range of talking therapies based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, what we do and how our body feels are all connected. If we change one of these we can alter the others. so in turn, improving the way I view situations, and improving the way i treat my body will impact how i feel and how i act massively - especially in a situation where i can often feel way too strongly about stuff.

with the idea of CBT, it works based on the idea that ‘When people feel worried or distressed we often fall into patterns of thinking and responding which can worsen how we feel. CBT works to help us notice and change problematic thinking styles or behaviour patterns so we can feel better.’ and i’m already at the point I can physically list the toxic reactions i have when i feel overwhelmed and I know some ways in which personally ive learn to avoid that happening, for example:

Explosive anger / breaking things/ slamming things - walking away to my own space, to play games or blast music or just cry. I would like to have my own little space to do this in, be that just my princess tent. It is not ok for me to react so strongly to being angry, but i do need a healthy way to vent anger as this is very much a normal emotion. 

Emotional outbursts/ crying - this is ok to do, but what’s not ok is to drag others into it. it’s ok to break down and be sad, but at this point i need to ask for comfort, a cuddle, a phone call, reassurance, i need to ASK for these things and not assume people instantly know what i need, especially as anger when crying can look a lot like sadness. and in that situation i have very different needs.

Jealousy/ insecurity/ paranoia - TALK. COMMUNICATE. TRUST. Inevitably, I can be paranoid, its arguably the most annoying symptom of them all. once someone gets a doubt in my mind i worry endlessly. by talking, communicating i can get the reassurance I need and drop it - by being open and honest and ASKING before I assume it can avoid any emotional overwhelming. as stupid and unrealistic as some things may sound, my brain will often find a way to find some logic too it no matter how far fetched, so please be patient with this as i’d rather sit down and be able to talk to you no matter how silly you might think it sounds, i dont mean to sound accusing at times i know i have done - but i need to insure i question rather than accuse in a way that isnt attacking, as to not stress or panic you. I know its inconvenient and a pain but i want to be able for us to both communicate and whilst i dont worry or get paranoid all the time, it does happen and the best course of action is just reassurance and patience, being calm with me and listening.

snapping and raising voice - this is usually the tell for any incoming outburst of explosive emotion. the typical result of so much from being tired, stressed, hormonal or simply just born from frustration.  This will happen from time to time as with any couple, however its how its handled that matters, we’re both guilty of raising our voices or snapping or coming across blunt and more often than not without really realising. It can be all to easy to get triggered by this and respond in a bad way, but this can be shut down and resolved by a simple ‘there’s no need to snap, or raise your voice’ and i know in the past that has then led to more issues, this is from me taking offence because it sometimes feels like you’re trying to invalidate my feelings and thoughts. this is my issue to work through, and learn to stay calm in situations. which this is all stuff i’ve done before, and let slip when i let my whole life kinda spiral. so its an uphill battle for sure, but its also a very winnable one.

Lack of appreciation - I’m very guilty of this, i’ve been trying more recently to show you that i appreciate the things you do but on reflection actually, it’s all the small things which actually are second nature to you that i feel i dont show enough appreciation for, making juice, making the effort to talk to me and tell me about your day after you’re clearly exhausted. there’s so many things that in just two days of not being close to you that im realising need and deserve that level of appreciation. and this comes with time, it’s so easy to forget as time passes and things become the norm that actually - it’s not the norm and it deserves thanks. This is a two way street and sometimes i feel the same, but at the same time you go more than out of your way to thank me for basic tasks like washing up, changing the bed etc.... and when i feel so low in myself that makes a huge huge difference to my day. so i recognise the importance to express thanks, but i also know sometimes its not always possible or simply gets forgotten. 

self care - This is without a doubt something which has a huge impact, I’ve been desperately clawing at life and the things i love trying to drag myself along with my hair and nails and dye and clothes, but honestly? its hard. i hate myself. i disgust myself. and you make me feel so wanted and loved, it changes everything when we’re going so well. but i know that it’s not healthy to be dependent on you like that, there’s no harm in boosting each-others confidence or making each-other feel good but the reality is for me that self care is the thing that will always give me a fighting chance at a good day. be it regular shaving/ bathing/ hair washing/ skin care/ nails it just makes me feel good. i like to get dressed up and look fiiine, but putting the weight back on has made it so much worse. I do want your help and advice about food, eating and working out and I know i often seem to turn my nose up but honestly i worry about being condescended to, its one of my triggers because no one likes to be made to feel stupid. and that’s also something i need to remember. i’ve under estimated you so much. that’s not ok though. but yes, the plan of action is to get my eating back under control (which is going good given the fact i cant keep any food down haha!) and take measures to get into a daily routine, even if i’m not going anywhere - just so when i catch a glimpse in the mirror i dont get low. my weight is a huge contributor to everything self care related, it gets me down massively and its a huge trigger for anxiety and paranoia for me when you make comments about people you see online etc about their weight or call people fat, because i worry you judge me the same way and it sounds pathetic but it does genuinely hurt because sometimes it sounds like size is a huge issue for you and it sends me spiralling downwards, but this is a trigger that needs to be made clear to you as i know deep down you’re just messing most the time. 

unfair divide in chores/ laziness - Washing up. when we progress and work through this, can we just get a dish washer? I will hand wash all my fluffy plates etc and the unicorn ones on a fair amount, for example if i use a plate and there’s one waiting to be cleaned i wont just dump mine on top for you to do, providing there’s time i will ensure it doesn’t build up, and obviously this is a habit we should both get into really to avoid any stress over the kitchen area being unclean. especially when you’re working 13 hours a day, i cant imagine i’ll be working that long of a day! so it makes more sense for me to do that when you’re out etc. 

Snide remarks - Im the worst for this. think links in massively with the snapping and the outburts. I feel at times i do this because im over whelmed, and i know this is wrong. the solution to this i feel is just pure mindfulness, and respect more than anything else. I feel CBT will help with this massively. I wish I knew more about WHY this is my go to defence mechanism but honestly I have no idea myself. 

Passing the blame/ playing victim - I feel I do this more than you, sometimes when i get triggered i feel like my reactions and thoughts are out of my control... which is just stupid. because ultimately it’s my job to decide what i think about something. end of really, it’s my responsibility and after talking i realised that by me blaming you, or making silly comments that made it feel like i was blaming you hurts you, massively. Unless your direct actions has led to something bad happening, for example if you throw something at me and it hits me in the eye and i shout oH FUCK or something, then that situation i would feel that your actions would be the reason i raised my voice for that haha :P the reality of the situation is that on a personal level we’re each responsible for taking responsibility for our own wellbeing - in the sense that while i’ve got every intention of looking after you fully, if you dont open up to me like you have recently then i dont know how to fix it and won’t be able to fix it for you and vice versa. 

Invalidation - This I think we’re both very guilty of at times without meaning to - or even noticing we do it. it’s so so important that we listen and understand each-other without judgement. I sometimes do not acknowledge how upset or stressed or tired you are to the extent i need to, i can be dismissive and selfish especially when you’re so late home from work etc.  I can get over excited and a little self obsessed to see it from your perspective. With BPD a lot of my triggers are caused by me feeling invalided like you don't understand or take things seriously when i try to express myself and it leaves me frustrated or upset, i know now that it’s not always the case and sometimes you panic and cant deal.  I feel this is something we need to work on together. and learn about each other as time passes. 

The need for reassurance/ attention/ care - Sometimes I feel like I ask for attention openly and it just kinda gets brushed off or last for a short period of time before you pick your phone or something up. When I ask for attention I mean I’d like to spend some quality time with you one on one, no distractions just me being able to enjoy you. You’ve never spoken to me about needing attention or care really so I would like you to be open with me when you need something, be that for me to help with your food, run you a bath or just get things for you when you’re not feeling so good. I do feel I am a lot needier in this sense with the whole ddlg stuff, and there’s a lot more expectation and pressure for you to care for me, but please know I am more than capable of looking after you when you need it, or simply just want it.

Sex and intimacy - This is a huge huge thing for me because for the first time in a very long time i’ve actually wanted to be physically close to another person. I dont really tend to like people touching me it makes me feel uneasy to actually wanting to be close to you feels amazing. The past few months obviously have been really bad for this, and i feel at times i’ve pushed for you to want to even cuddle or be near me. the lack of interest in me ruins that ‘you make me feel good about myself and wanted and loved’ from earlier and just fills me with safe hate like there’s something wrong with me, like im ugly and gross and you just cant stand the thought of being near me. this hurts me massively. obviously I know now that this was a direct result of everything that was going on but even now in my mind all i can hear and think about is you ‘how can you expect me to want to have sex with you when you say such horrible things’ and it’s like i shut down so much when i feel unwanted and pushed away it becomes a vicious cycle for us both. I know sex isnt something immediately on the cards etc and you need time to heal, but i think it would do us good to talk about what it means to us and stuff. and reasons why or why not we’d do that yknow? i know it’s a bit of a weird one but i feel so close to you when we do that like as weird and twisted as it sounds it feels like reassurance - at this point in my life I associate sex with love, and there isnt one without the other. so in my mind, no sex = no love so when we are intimate and stuff it relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. Regular intimacy is a huge thing, even if that’s just naked snuggles and touching yknow. 

Cuddles and sleeps - I have no complaints, just moar pls. all the time. every day. 24/7 ;p I do get though that sometimes it’s too hot to snuggle properly, but similarly to sex i feel that if i dont touch you then i’m not wanted. it might sound stupid it’s just another form of validation i guess. 

Money and savings - I don’t really know where to go with this, I find it uncomfortable that you’re still on a joint account with Jezi and are paying off finance items in her house. Personally I don’t want to make any commitments money wise until you sort this situation out which has been nearly a year long now and you said you would sort something out in December. I personally think the situation is weird and not ok. I don’t pay for Ben’s sofa, so why are you paying for hers? This is something that should have been sorted out when you left and i feel that it’s putting our life together on hold still. I don’t want to move forward knowing you’re still on someone elses joint account etc because that isn’t fair on me. I want us to work together as a team and once we take that next step to joint assets for it to be joint between US not you and anyone else. This i feel is a massive personal boundary for me. I want to commit to you and start our life, our home, our savings and bills etc together. 

Children and family - Obviously, this is a huge one and i’ve had a pretty shitty attitude to date with this and some stupid shit i’ve come out with. I think we need to draw the line with making rude or offensive comments about each-others families. See the line becomes a bit blurry when you make offensive jokes or comments about your children etc, so the expectation that others dont when you do it isnt right. I do also think we should both have a set routine and more open conversations about this. I think that effort needs to come from both of us with each others families, obviously you dont need to make effort for any of my children because they’re all furry and have four legs. ;p 

I don’t want to feel like my whole life has been shaken up, and you’ve always said it wouldnt be like that, or feel like im being pushed out because like i’ve said from the start i want a life with you - and whilst yes it fully involves luna and celestia i need your word that it wont effect the things we do together, like move in or get married or have our own family etc. because ultimately these are things i want for us in the future, sure not the foreseeable future but I DO want that life with you, and i want it to be just perfect and I feel ive spent so long trying to adjust by myself, trying to educate and calm and sooth myself with a situation that you frankly just dropped me in and left me in that it’s been a struggle. There’s a lot of stuff that I thought I felt to begin with that was just a part of the process for accepting and understanding. I love having fun days out and stuff, and I do want to be apart of their lives and make a positive impact on them and be another person in their support system, but i also need to know that in difficult situations where anyone acts up or misbehaves that you will deal with that, because it stresses me out feeling like it’s not my place to say or do anything, i just feel helpless and confused because this is a LIFE, a CHILD we’re talking about and it’s not my place to do right or wrong. it was hard coming to terms with the fact they’re not something I gave you. i wish so hard that things could have been different and a part of me will ALWAYS hurt that you gave that part of yourself to someone else and not me. but the fact is that it’s done. and there’s nothing I or you or anyone can do to change that. so it was just a case of learning to come to terms with the feelings i had about it, and process them in a way that I could move past it and get on. It’s at the point that my thoughts about everything changed completely. of course i still hate the fact its not something we share, but the reality is that if its important to you then it’s important to me, and whatever your thoughts and feelings I will do nothing other than support you in that. I think my perspective even until recently was a little limited to say the least, it felt like it was a case of me or them, and that you could only be there for either me or them in life, it just felt like a competition for you attention and love because from my experience when we have them you pretty much ignore me and give me the complete cold shoulder and im not ok with that. i know its hard for them to adjust but the reality is that if you want us to be together in the long term then sooner or later they’ll have to get used to seeing us together and honestly it’ll just become the norm if we act normal.

Honesty and openness -

Approachability -

Changes in opinion and feelings -

Worries -

Moving forward - 

boundaries on a personal level / exs/ porn/ stupid shit - I will do a whole new post on this! But it’s so important we both have our boundaries with things, or are at least aware of what makes each other uncomfortable or upset. Being aware of this will stop us triggering each other. 

dating - 

Home - 

[lets-change-the-world-toge-blog1]

My Post-Depression Story

YES YOU READ IT CORRECTLY! - POST DEPRESSION! IT IS POSSIBLE TO ESCAPE THE NEVER ENDING DARKNESS!  I’ve had a good fair share of depression in my 19 years on earth.  Some people like to argue with me and say “I’m too young to have experienced such intense emotions” but I disagree with them.  Looking back over my life, even when I didn’t consider myself to have depression, I think I have pretty much always felt lonely. I’ve never felt good enough and like I was always making mistakes. 

I first self-harmed at the age of 14, I remember the reason was because I had accidently spilt ink on my boyfriend of the times work. The reason for self-harming may seem small, however, this tipped an ice-burg of emotions for me. I was feeling frustrated with myself it felt as if I couldn't do anything right and like my existence was worthless. However, despite this, I only self-harmed once more in this year and managed to carry on with my life as normal.

The real butt-kick of my depression began when myself and my boyfriend of 2 and a half years split. It was a messy split and I don’t need to go into details but this affected my mental health and views of myself greatly. NB. I do not blame my ex-boyfriend for anything that happened during our break up and I also do not hate or loath him for breaking up with me.  However, at the time I took the split personally. As if I wasn’t good enough. I feel as though all the emotions of self-hatred I had suppressed over my whole entire life as much as I could burst into a spiral of deep depression. I blamed myself for everything that had happened and I couldn’t escape. At the same time as dealing with these feelings, which in the beginning i dealt with better, I fell out with someone who I considered a friend.  They lied and tried to turn my friends against me and this didn’t help my mental health.  NB. Again I do not blame this person, I forgive them for everything they did towards me, even though I would not personally like to be friends with this person again I still hope one day they can see where they went wrong and find happiness rather than blaming others.  This was another factor that kicked my depression up another notch. I cried most if not every night. I started looking at other schools to go to just to escape. My already poor attendance suffered even more because of these things. I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything that was happening to me. The lies told about me and names I was called I began to believe and I became unstable. To get to sleep at night I used to lie in bed and think about the ways I would commit suicide. It helped me to sleep. Thinking about ending my life helped me relax. Like I would finally be free of the pain I was suffering from.   This was during AS year, and yet I still managed to get AAB in my AS results, mainly because I threw myself into my work as a distraction.  However, my worst year I consider would be my final A level year.  I wanted to apply to do medicine at university but I couldn’t find any motivation to write any of my personal statement as I could not think of any good things about myself as a person. I felt defeated. My head of sixth form helped me write my statement and I sent it off on the deadline date for medicine applications.  AS to A2 in terms of content to me seemed like a much bigger jump than GCSE - AS and I found my confidence suffered even more from this. One thing I had always relied upon was my work, I could focus on it to help me feel productive and better about myself, but as the work got harder I found it harder to focus and instead I shut down and didn’t do any.  A2 was my worst year - the things that had happened the year before had affected me so much as a person it affected all my future relationships with people.  I wasn’t the kindest of people in A2 year and definitely not very nice to be around.  My depression made me needy of attention. And although I would not class it as attention-seeking, more like begging for someone to see the pain I was going through emotionally, I know some people saw my actions as attention seeking.  I clung to the people I trusted, however, I also depended on them. I feel that I unmeaningfully manipulated them to give me the reassurance I needed to stay alive. Eventually they got tired, and although they did not leave me and I knew they were still there for me, I noticed the distance and it scared me. Again I felt the feelings of worthlessness and fear and pain and so I clung as much as I could but it just ended pushing them further away as the pressure I was forcing on them was unfair.  I eventually made a massive massive mistake, out of fear of losing the person, I lied to someone I trusted and they had trusted me and as a result, when I came clean, I lost them. I do not think this was a irrational decision I believe it was the right one for them as well as the wake-up call for myself that I needed to do something about the way I was feeling.  Unfortunately, my first thought wasn't to try to improve my emotional state but instead destroy myself as a form of punishment for what I had done and lost. I  was suicidal and self-harming often. I felt like the worst human being in the world.  It took for my friends to TRICK me into seeing my GP before I got help.  When I walked into the GP surgery I couldn’t speak, my friends had to speak for me and my doctor would ask me questions I could nod or shake my head too. He was lovely and I will be forever grateful for his understanding nature.  He prescribed me fluoxetine (an anti-depressant) and suggested CBT and councilling. He also got me in touch with the crisis team who came to visit me a few days after my GP meeting. I will not say that anti-depressants are a quick or a definite cure. However, I believe in my personal experience they have helped keep me level headed. And the actual act of getting help in the first place and accepting it I believe was the first big, major step to improving my mental health.  I have still had bouts of self harm, and I still cry and I still have had suicidal thoughts whilst on anti-depressants. However, on a day I would consider to be “normal/average” - with help alongside my counsellor and help from my university- I believe together the treatments have helped me find a coping mechanism.  After coming through depression, I am actual thankful for it.  After experiencing such a low I never would have imagined I could have felt peace. 

Its been rough and tough but I got there and Im so proud of myself and I thank everyone who has ever helped me and supported me in any way. 

If depression taught me anything, it is that you don't need a reason to be depressed. I think a common misconception is there needs to be a reason, but sometimes there isn't. And it is not WHY you are depressed that matters, its just the fact thats how you are feeling and WHY you are depressed shouldnt affect the amount of sympathy felt for a person. Because if you wanna kill yourself, or harm yourself you are feeling some deep emotions - whether you feel you have a reason to feel the way you do or not.  The way I escaped the black hole eventually was learning the gift of acceptance. Of my past, of the present and of the future.  I forgave myself for my mistakes and learnt from them.  I try not to worry about tomorrow when there is nothing i can do to stop it coming, so why worry? Learning to accept and love yourself is one of the most important things you can ever learn. And one of the most facinating things you can ever do is to love and accept others and help support them through their tough times. 

#hope #depression #story #my story

[mariaaamaaarquez]

mirrors

hi! happy monday! well tbh not so happy Jesus, I hate Mondays. I also hate how fast time is going by like um hi its Virgo season?! for all my zodiac people who are into that stuff ive been so invested in it recently and its kinda scaryyy how accurate my shit has been. BUT ANYWAYS times flying by and its almost September meaning college move in day is closer, AAAND im almost eighteen FINALLY. 

finna go craaaazyyyy ;) 

anyways today’s post we’re gonna go a little back in time, and talk about something I feel like I used to struggle with soooo much throughout middle school and my first two years of high school which was looking in the mirror.

horrible.

as a sixth grader, thats kind of when my body started changinggg, my friends started becoming- weird, problems at home were just constantly popping up because I kept acting out- all in all, middle school? low-key worst years of my LIIIFE. 

self acceptance is something I feel like we all have to work on at some point, right? there’d be times when I would just look at myself in the mirror and genuinely just hated everything I saw. I hated everything about it. 

(which is honestly so funny now because one, I used to be a BITCH and two, it was my personality that was ugly, not me- well jk I was kinda ugly lmao YIKES)

anyways, it got to the point where when I started losing friends, I thought it was because of the way I looked, or acted. (mind you I was more of a bitch to people I didn't know, I tried to be nice to my “friends” LMAOO) but in all honesty like if im just trying to be real- I genuinely just thought I was ugly and I was just so insecure in general and it got to my head. I would look at my friends at the time and id be like damn like im nothing compared to them- ya know? 

I know its so sad to look back on it now that im genuinely thinking about it.

it wasn't until my junior year that I actually became more confident with myself, and my body. I thought that it was because now I had an ass and I had tits and in that time I thought and was under the impression that that was all that mattered.

plot twist: it wasn’t.

my junior year was the first year I began to reconnect with old friendships again. I had lost so many friends and my junior year I was committed to trying to fix lots of open wounds and find the closure I needed. 

mirrors used to be my biggest fear, because of the fact that when I looked in any mirror, all of the insecurities just made their way out and it was as if the words would just appear on the mirror itself.

(lmao kind of like when people write on their mirrors with lipstick or some heartbreak shit like that LOLLL)

okay anyways but seriously like-it was bad.

It even got to a point where I was scared I was going to fall into an eating disorder because of how much I hated how I looked. junior year, helped in the sense that I started dressing better FIRST OFF. & second off, I was trying- but not too hard. and also a big thing was that I began to surround myself with people that made me feel more confident. people that were genuine and real about how they felt about me. 

it was the push I needed to just boost myself up a little bit. 

I came fully to my senses senior year. senior year was genuinely so good to me even with its bullshit parts (because of course it had its bullshit parts) but I came to the realization that it wasn’t what was on the outside that I had to work on- it was everything on the inside. 

(no deadass all of my current friends I have at the moment either hated me at some point or just thought I was a straight up BITCH.) 

it wasn't until I became closer to more people, that I finally came to the realization that yeah the glow up helped- but it was mostly because I was tempted to grow as a person mentally, and emotionally. I became more selfless, more humble, and I cannot stress how much of a change that made in my life.

I no longer looked in the mirror and thought I was ugly.

I no longer looked in the mirror and felt insecure.

I was just- me.

its so weird looking back and seeing how unconfident I was and how insecure I was because if you ask anyone- I was one of the most outgoing people you could've met. I was in ASB, leadership, I dressed up for all the spirit days, and people knew who I was. 

that was all an act.

see my problem was, behind closed doors, behind the face of makeup, and the nice outfit, who really was I? 

was I just a person putting up a front so that people would like me? 

was I only able to act confident when I wasn’t alone?

yes yes and yes.

I wanted people to see the version of Maria that I always aspired to be. the version of myself where I felt confident and worthy and didn't need any reassurance or support from anybody. because the way I saw it at the time, was that 

as soon as you let someone in, you’re also giving them the opportunity to leave. 

and thats what I was afraid of. 

I was afraid of showing someone, anyone, how vulnerable I was at the time, because I always assumed they would leave and have everything I opened up to them about, with them, forever.

but you see, I soon came to realize that you will NEVER be okay with the person you are, until you let yourself be vulnerable. which is so fucking hard because I knowwww y'all know being vulnerable is so scary because you dont know what to expect from the person or the people. but when I finally understood, that it was okay to not be okay, well

everything got better from there.

I became the version of myself I always wanted to be.

the version of myself that I am now.

of course, im still working on a lot. a lot.

but, the difference now is that I managed to fully show my vulnerability and I let people in. is it still scary? always. the fear of losing people who ive been vulnerable with haunts my mind every single day. but we have to just say fuck it sometimes and take our risks because you never know why certain people cross paths with you. you never know what purpose each person is supposed to serve.

now, heres the lesson learned, and the takeaway I want you to have as this blog post comes to a close:

if you would've asked me to leave my house without makeup 4 years ago, id tell you that you were crazy. if you would've gave me a list of the people id be leaving high school with, and the people id be friends with in 2019, once again, id call you crazy. but what I learned from making my way through being as insecure as I was, was that I didn't feel pretty, because my personality was what was showing in the mirror. the version of me that only cared about putting up an act and hiding who I really was.

that was my mistake.

you should never be afraid to be yourself, you should never feel like you have to pretend to be okay just because you're scared of being vulnerable.

being vulnerable is what makes us human. 

being vulnerable is what makes us human.

being vulnerable is what makes us human.

being vulnerable is what makes us human.

the scars we have marked on our bodies, on our hearts, thats what makes us the people we are. dont run from it, embrace it! 

there is only one version of yourself in this entire universe (even though you probably do have someone who looks exactly like you in the world) nobody will have the exact same personality as you ever. 

I tried hiding my scars, I avoided being vulnerable, and it got me nowhere. it got me fake friends, problems, and a fat load of bullshit. 

and then I accepted myself as MYSELF, I opened up, I became vulnerable, and I can say now without a doubt, that I worked on myself and now looking in the mirror, is just a reminder of how much ive grown, and how much ive matured. 

and wow. does it feel pretty fucking nice to say that.

and thats all I have for you guys today! see you guys next post, and thanks for keeping up with me<3

besitos,

ria.