#remember when I used to upload all of his stories here on tumblr? ha those were good times

[dianamoth]

Project Copy-Knight

Hi tumblr,

I woke up this morning to a new AO3 comment on my most liked Naruto fic, but this comment was unlike any other I ever got before. It will interest fanfic writers around, especially anime fanfic, so allow me to share it:

Hello, Unfortunately, your work may have been stolen by content farms to create YouTube videos here: (link removed by dianamoth) If you have granted permission for this uploader, you can safely ignore this comment. If not, you should report these videos here: DMCA Complaint Form. You should re-confirm the video contents before you file the report. Note that only the original creator for this work can submit a complaint. When filing the complaint, do not select the "Scheduled: Send a 7-day notice" option, or they won't get a copyright strike from you. We recommend that you do not negotiate with the channel before-hand. Remember to include a link to your work in the 'Title' section of the complaint form. Channels like this have stolen many more works from other writers as well, so your efforts in reporting this channel will also help other writers. See full list of stolen works here: Google sheets Your authorship was identified a while ago by an automated detector under Project Copy-Knight, but for anti-spam reasons we could not inform you until we have manually confirmed each case. If you would like us to notify you as soon as possible, please include this text in your profile page to grant us permission. To prevent a build-up of our notification comments on inactive accounts, we will only send you a maximum of 3 messages before you grant us permission. This is message 1 out of 3. This message was sent automatically, but your case was manually confirmed, and replies to this comment are monitored. If you need additional guidance on how to take the video down, just reply to this comment. To learn more about what we do, please read this article or join our Discord server. From Project Copy-Knight, EsquireBot

I did not give consent for my fic to be used on youtube, ofc.

I was skeptical at first (for context, I write OC Naruto fanfics, who the hell would be interested in that on youtube, I thought?), but this is a well-crafted message with all the ways to verify this claim, so verified it I did!

And hello and behold, this is all true! I'm Amazed. This Project Copy-Knight is quite impressive, it seems well organized and everything, so I thought I would share the word about their existence so that people are aware that this is a problem that exists, that someone is working on it, that it's not spam, and how you can participate, etc... I recommend checking the article they mentioned and the Discord server if you have time to help.

Also, for those who might be in the same case as I and want to report a youtube video (because obviously I'm going to, can you believe this? Just read further to see what a mess it is), let it be known that the link above only works if you have a channel. If not, you have to send your complaint to [email protected]

Now, if you're interested in seeing what a MessTM this is, continue reading about this video that stole my work.

Guys, this is the presentation of the video:

The title (and the pictures) has absolutely NO link whatsoever to the plot of my fic, to be clear.

The pictures inside of the slideshow are about DragonBall Z! XD

But yes, it is indeed a generated "podfic" of my OC fic (but only part of it? it cuts in the middle of a scene at around half of the story)!

When you click on the description of the video, there is a link that actually contains a list of links on fanfiction.net. So they actually didn't steal it from AO3 but ff.net. Writers from ff.net, be aware!

The video has 1,4k views and 37 likes in 2 months. What the heck.

But the comments, guys!

I find this frankly hilarious. I mean, there is so much confusion here. Obviously the basic Naruto fans that would hate on (female) OCs are expected, but someone listened to it long enough to realize it was not the complete story. Respect to them.

Can you believe that with such a mess this channel has 5,37k subscribers? Please people, have some self-respect.

#Project Copy-Knight #EsquireBot #naruto fanfiction #fanfiction.net #AO3 #my writing

[whatthisfemsheplikes]

GUESS WHO’S BACK

I HAVE AWOKEN FROM MY *checks calendar* TWO YEAR SLUMBER! MAY THE G/T ANGST RAIN DOWN UPON THIS PAGE ONCE MORE!

In all seriousness though, hi! I’ve got some news!

I don’t know if anyone will still remember this, but I used to have a sideblog a few years ago where I posted my g/t story called See Me. Unfortunately, I decided to delete that sideblog for a number of reasons, but eventually I came back to my main and said I’d put See Me somewhere else, potentially on AO3. Right after I said that, I asked for an invitation to AO3, did a little bit of waiting and then... totally forgot about it.

What can I say? We were in the heat of Covid times, my mental health was at an ATL, I was moving, and lots of other adult stuff happened. Since then, I just felt kind of bad about returning to this page with no new content of my own to put out. I used to write a lot and enjoy it, but lots of stuff in my life has been going on the past two years that hasn’t really motivated me to do any writing or creating of any kind. I know that I could still be liking and reblogging stuff, but coming back here just made me miss what I used to create, so I stopped for a little while. 

BUT NOT FOR LONG! While it may not sound great, through a lot of self-reflection and therapy, I’ve kind of discovered that nowadays, I turn to g/t content when I’m going through a hard time. And, not gonna lie, I’m DEEP in the trenches from fucked up life events right now, so naturally, I found myself back on tumblr to connect with the g/t community again. But not on this page. That’s right! I made a new page and I’ve been LURKIN’ out here! And no, I will not reveal what that page is, but feel free to tell me if you think you’ve figured it out and I’ll be more than happy to tell you if that page is me or not. 

Anyway, since I’ve been lurking and consuming as much g/t content as I can get my hands on, I’ve also gone back to my own archives and read through See Me about a billion more times. Not only did I polish it up a lot while keeping everything pretty much the same (mostly fixing spelling and grammar) but I also just told myself “you know what, I still really like this story.” And reading so many other amazing stories from other g/t writers on here really inspired me to finally get out there and put See Me back into the universe, while also writing a few new stories and AUs in the process that will hopefully see the light of day at some point. 

ALL OF THAT TO SAY... I did it. See Me is finally up on AO3 right now! At least, MOST of it is. I really had to take a hard look at my word doc and think “why did I do this to myself” when I counted 39 chapters with almost 400 pages that I wanted to reread, edit again, and possibly add some polish on, chapter by chapter before putting it on AO3. As of writing this, I started uploading chapters last night and am currently done uploading chapter 19. So... about halfway done! I’m still going to keep uploading as I had the time to do so (I do have work tomorrow so... not as much time as the weekend but I’m going to post more) and eventually all 39 chapters will be available just as you remember them (or are reading for the first time if you never got to read See Me before). 

I’ll also be uploading any of the prompt stories and other short stories I made to AO3, and any prompts that I get and write here in the future will be available there as well. Like I said, I have some new ideas too, some AUs and some completely new universes with new OCs that have also been sitting in my hard drive since I first started writing g/t stuff years ago. I’m hoping to keep up this motivation and to eventually write and put out those stories on AO3 too, so stick around for that if you’re interested! 

To anyone that is still following this page and has maybe even been waiting for See Me to come back, thank you for your patience and support. I hope you still enjoy what I put out there, and I hope to keep up this motivation to create, even after things hopefully get better in my personal life. 

As a little aside, some of the big motivators in my comeback, even though they wouldn’t know it, are @not-a-space-alien with their story Watch Your Step, @marydublinauthor and @bittykimmy13 with all their wonderful Shot In The Dark and Print/Trinket stories (please go buy their books, they are absolutely amazing), and @ratcatcher0325​ with their stories A Fraction of Justice and Nobody’s Fool. I know that these tags might come out of nowhere for all of you, as I don’t think I’ve interacted with any of you personally on this account, but your stories inspire me so much that it really pushed me to put my work back out there again, especially if my work could make someone as happy as all your stories make me. So thank you! I look forward to reading all that you create in the future! And in case you’re thinking “but you only just started following me today/recently,” well, like I said, I’ve been lurking on another account, so I’m sure you might’ve seen me there and just not known it. Anyway, keep up the amazing work, and everyone else please go read their stuff! It’s awesome and full of g/t goodness!

Well, I think that’s everything I had to say. I’m going to try and be more active on here and not just update about my AO3, because I don’t think that would be very fun. I’ll still get on here and like and reblog things that I like so feel free to stick around and interact. And if you want to interact with my work, please visit my AO3 page right here, or search for whatthisfemsheplikes on AO3! I’d love to see you there! Here’s to the future and I hope you all have some happy holidays coming up!

- Mo-Mo

TLDR; Life sucks but I’ve posted See Me, my g/t story, on AO3 so it’s back on the internet. You can read that and anything else I write on my page right here, or find me under the same username whatthisfemsheplikes on AO3! 

#whatthisfemshepthinks #whatthisfemshepwrites #g/t #g/t stories #g/t writing #see me #Tori and Wesley #there is a hint about my second account on this post

[marc-spectorr]

hi Callie! My tumblr is stuck on a random fic of yours so I’ll have to fix that later but I had question that’s been marinating for a while!!

Although I’m still new to this whole tumblr stuff, I was seeking some advice for newbies who want to start writing? I’ve always been inspired reading yours and other fic writers’ fics!

I’ve written fics in the past but never published them cus I didn’t know any platforms to post them on back then

One day I might post some and become a fic writer like you!!! Gotta build up that courage and knowledge somewhere first though 🤧🤧

love you always, hope you’re taking care of yourself these past few days 😮‍💨

woo!, moonjin xx

hiya moonjin !!!

sorry for taking almost an entire day to respond ;-; but wowoow i’m incredibly honored that you’ve come to me for advice as well as being part of your inspiration to start writing :))

okay, so i went through my previous asks about writing and tagged them as #writing advice. but here are the most important tips that i would say:

plan out your fic– to make the process easier, i would suggest creating an outline! outlining is a great way to visualize the story you’re telling and plan out any research you might need to do. it doesn’t have to be super detailed or anything. you can just put down what exactly you want to happen from start to finish, note any dialogue you might want to add, or describe the scenes you want to include. 

no matter how many times the idea has been done before, write that fic! when i first started, i remember not wanting to write a fic solely bc there’s already one out there with a similar plot. but don’t let this discourage you! everyone’s writing is one of a kind, which makes each fic special. for example, the best friends to lovers trope is something that’s been done a million times, but your take on it will be unique as it’s your words and your dialogue. 

quality over quantity always– don’t worry too much about how short (or long) your fic is! focus more on how you deliver the story rather than aiming for a specific word count. some writers can produce amazing fics in just under a thousand words. it’s all about the quality of your work, not the length of it. for any first-time writers, i would suggest writing something small to test it out, have a feel for what it’s like and use this to discover your writing style.

proofread your work– this one is obvious, but it’s essential! i know that feeling at the end after typing out the last line of the story. you’re happy that you’ve finally completed it and are excited to post. but don’t forget to read it over once or twice before uploading to make sure your spelling is correct and your grammar is the best that it could be. yes, no one’s perfect. you may not catch every mistake, but you can try fixing most! you can also run it through sites like grammarly to find those errors.

have fun with it– i can’t stress this enough, writing should be fun. remember that you’re allowed to step away and take a break. you can always come back to it once you’re ready! it might seem scary to post in the beginning, but it’s such a rewarding experience when you do. writing takes a lot of time, effort and love, and sharing it with thousands of readers on this platform is an outstanding achievement in itself. so far, this whole community has been lovely and very supportive! i can assure you that they’ll be thrilled for more stories!

hopefully this helps, darling! i can’t wait to read the wonderful fics you have in store for us :) i’m always here if you need any more help!

(also i really love that pic of oscar *swoon*)

#asks #mooonjin #writing advice

[steviewashere]

One of my special interests is lost media. Whether this be the discovery that something is lost, the hunt for said lost thing, or the finding of that lost thing. I love it all.

A YouTuber that I enjoy a lot that discusses lost media is: blameitonjorge

And as I'm watching his most recent upload, Lost Media Found in 2023, it's making me realize how much of the internet is either not archived, or is archived. Now—if you'll allow me to info dump and ramble—one of the largest data bases on the internet for archived content (ranging from old YouTube videos, early screenshots of websites from the 2000s, mods for video games, even whole TV show episodes, and much more) is the Internet Archive.

What's important about the Internet Archive is that it's a "non-profit digital library" (description given under site name on Google). It's a website used to truly archive anything you can think to find on the internet. I've gone on here and found screenshots, working links, and site changes to websites my late dad had created and uploaded in 2000-2003, before his untimely death. Which is so incredibly special to me. It's incredible to even have a resource like this, for free, right at my fingertips.

However, the Internet Archive has been at constant risk for removal. Aiming from big publishers, politicians, courts, etc. And it's extremely important that internet users fight back on these requests for removal.

Think of all the lost media. Of all the songs and shows and websites, Tumblr posts and Reddit stories you thought were a thing of your past, never to resurface or to be rediscovered, but it ends up right there on the Wayback Machine or directly on a separate sanction of the Internet Archive! Maybe you're like me and want to access internet activity from deceased family members and the Internet Archive is the only place to find it! Maybe you want to see the old MySpace layout just for fun or look for scanned pages of an art book for a favorite video game or you want to visit the old Newgrounds just to taste some of your childhood all over again!

Think of all the things you, we, us, everybody loses if the Internet Archive goes down.

I'm not kidding, and I know I've seen it as a joke somewhere, but the loss of the Internet Archive will be like the burning of the Library of Alexandria. All the resources gone, deleted, never to be seen again.

I think of it, too, when visiting Archive of Our Own. All of those fan works that everybody loves dearly, that maybe you've spent hours on, would be gone if AO3 was knocked out. Remember the great knockout of 2023? Remember how devastating it was to think it was just gone? Remember freaking out about not downloading your favorite fic as a pdf onto your phone or desktop, just thinking it'd be there when you get back online?

So, this is just me getting on my soapbox:

Cater for the protection of Internet Archive, Archive of Our Own, and all archived media. Remember to save files and links and all that jazz so that you can use it for later referral. Remember to thank and appreciate the people on the internet collecting all of this data. And also, if you like something—archive it!

Archive what you like, get physical copies, make your own physical copies if none exist. If we have to live in a society of constant consumerism, then remember to also preserve what you consume.

Because, it may just be gone tomorrow. And if you're unlucky, it won't be archived. And if you're even more unlucky, it will never be seen again.

#the internet archive #archive of our own #archived media #lost media #ramble #consume and preserve #preserve and protect

[beautifully-lumpy]

the beautiful person's journal - #12: christmas videos

it's the most wonderful time of the year, and youtubers are ramping up their production quality for their final video of the year. everything for the past 12 months has led up to this point, and audiences have their expectations increased. whether or not this season finale is tied to any holiday celebration, it is sure to be a riot.

the caddicarus show has had its fair share of christmas specials. its 2020 reboot to this day still hasn't had anything close to a halloween special - if you read my entry about the month of terraaarrr then you'd know that halloween used to mean serious business on this channel. but the reboot has managed to get 2 christmas specials so far, with the 3rd just around the corner in the form of a 1 million subscriber special we've been waiting a hot minute for.

so how about we discuss these christmas specials? it's the perfect time of year, and i have plenty of nostalgic memories with these videos.

2012-2015 specials (old kingdom/first intermediate period)

the first caddicarus christmas special was santa claus saves the earth. this episode is still such a classic all these years later. it's got one of those classic 2010's game reviewer special story arcs where the evil spirit of telegames "possesses" caddy's PS1 and caddy is forced to shoot it. he then lays it to rest at the playground behind his house while lip-syncing to a muppets christmas carol song. it's also where the lesbians clip is from.

when i came along in 2014, this video was blocked here in the US for featuring most of that muppets song. however, 12-year-old me was able to find it on the hidden block website. i watched it on the family computer in the dead of night with the volume low. a formative experience.

next year, caddy reviewed the grinch PS1 entirely in rhyme. yes, seriously.

in 2014, he counted down his top 10 snow levels in video games. i have a warm and fuzzy memory of watching this with my best friend on her TV in her room while we ate pizza. this was back during the times of frozen fever and i was vehemently on the side of frozen hatred - so that "do you want to build a snowman?" reference pissed me the hell off. XD

then in 2015, he reviewed legoland, which was the first non-explicitly-christmasy subject for a caddicarus christmas video - never again would he take a look at a (secular) christmas-themed game for a christmas video lmao. i remember making my first tumblr account on the day this video came out.

2016-2018 specials (middle kingdom/second intermediate period)

in early november of 2016, caddy uploaded this update video. in it, he announced that he'd be taking a 1-month break from the channel - the longest break the channel had ever been on at that point. this was because he was moving, and because he was working on a very elaborate christmas special. this christmas special wasn't a part of any show - in fact, it was its own thing.

the cadvent calendar was a series of videos in which caddy counted down his top 25 video games of all time. every single day in december through the 25th, we got a new short video for each game. this was the craziest thing at the time...we were already getting 3 videos a week, but now we were getting videos every day?

i don't really have anything much to say about the videos themselves, it was pretty much just a normal top list but without any filmed segments or cutaway gags - maybe that's why they weren't as memorable, imo. but of course, this was his way of still providing us with a neat Christmas special while he was making a pretty big move!

jan animations created the intro sequence. i remember watching jan create the intro on his streams - he'd play so much banger music and at one point he actually played some caddicarus videos and we watched them on stream XD i also made a hip hop remix of the theme song - it sounds very wonky because i created the thing in audacity. 💀

december 2017 was the first and only december in which every caddicarus episode was christmas-themed. well, okay, they were very LOOSELY christmas-themed...

caddy donned a christmas sweater in every video (except for the proper christmas special, where he wore a mario onesie). there was the episode on the die hard trilogy (i haven't seen die hard but i know it's considered a christmas film for some reason), there was the silent hill episode (silent hill has snow so therefore = christmas), the mega man 8 collab with gillythekid had a bit where gilly sent him a present that just so happened to be the topic of the video, and the peppa pig game episode had a similar setup. they're also all officially considered christmas videos because they're in the "a crazy caddy christmas" playlist.

these 4 episodes actually still hold up pretty well today for being from what i used to consider the worst season of the original series. i actually hated the mega man 8 episode when it dropped...i guess i thought it wasn't funny and/or that caddy and gilly didn't work as well together. upon rewatch, it wasn't as bad as i remember. yeah some jokes fell flat but overall it's a solid episode. it's nowhere near as mid as the entirety of the season that came after this one.

before i rewatched the die hard episode, i'd completely forgotten about the "yippie ki yay muddy phillip" bit and then promptly laughed my ass off.

the proper christmas special on the peppa pig game dropped on christmas eve, and that whole day is a warm and fuzzy memory. i went to the christmas eve service at church with my family, then we got taco bell and went home and watched the santa clause, and right after that i got the notification for the new caddicarus episode. that night i ended up getting the galaxy-themed new nintendo 3DS XL to replace my previous 3DS that broke.

in 2018, caddy produced his sequel to the cadvent calendar - the BADvent calendar! this was originally supposed to air in 2017, but too many things got in the way. it worked the exact same way as the cadvent calendar did, except it was now the worst games caddy ever played.

funnily enough - i haven't watched this special in full until very recently. when this was released, i was kinda losing interest in caddicarus, and just a day after this special started, jontron returned to youtube after a year. needless to say, my mind was set on jontron for the remainder of the month, and for the next several months as well. that didn't help with my waning special interest.

but yeah, nothing much to say about this one.

2019 is currently the only year we've gone without a caddicarus christmas special. we don't know yet if the spyro video will have slight christmas themes or references in it, since that's pretty much the only requirement for a mid-late december caddicarus episode to be billed as a christmas special.

2019 actually was going to have a christmas special, but it was abruptly canceled due to reasons i'll get into in the entry about the second intermediate period. i keep teasing this entry lmao...it'll be a lengthy one.

2020-present specials (new kingdom)

the caddicarus show's reboot has had 2 christmas specials so far - one about the PS5 release and one on jesus games. the jesus games video in particular had one of the first explicitly christmasy subjects we've seen in a hot minute - albiet not secular.

as usual for the 2020-present videos, they're bangers. obviously, i was absent for these, but mannnnn after watching these, i know that i missed out.

over the years, this channel has stayed consistent when it came to christmas specials. a lot of happy memories were made with these videos!!

in the next entry, we're going to be looking at a certain side-show that made its debut in december of 2015...and how it affected the channel and its fanbase.

#caddicarus #jim caddick #hiddenblock #hidden block #the beautiful person's journal #the BPJ #the caddicarus show

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (191): Thu 22nd Sep 2022

Looked after Luna today. After subjecting me to "Toot Toot Crissy Carson" possibly the most annoying TV show I have ever seen (It's a show about a family of cars that live in a house...fuck off) we had some fun playing games including stacking dominoes on every step of the staircase and trying to get them all to knock over which they eventually did. I love playing with Luna but the problem is she can't just do one thing once she has to do them over again. That would be like me staying in all night and watching the same YouTube videos over and over and...Oh. Anywho, I listened to Reece Sheersmith on Richard Herring's podcast where said that the ninth series of Inside No 9 will probably be the last. I get that this would be really poetic and I can understand the strain that doing this kind of show must put on Reece and Steve but I hope that this news turns out not to be the case because Inside No 9 is one of the best shows on TV. The rest of the podcast was a joy to listen to as well as Reece is a great interviewee especially when he's getting angry. I particularly enjoyed his rant about how fans are always suggesting he do a story set on a Number Nine bus...and that's it, no ideas for characters or story or twists just a setting. I also got a big belly laugh where he said that he'd turned down the chance to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, reasoning: "Imagine being told off by those cunts". He also expressed an interest in appearing on Taskmaster which needless to say I would be all for. I realized today that December 1st will be the 10 year anniversary of this blog (I wrote this blog under a different name on Wordpress for 8 years, then continued to write an entry every day just for myself for two years and earlier this year started publishing it again here on Tumblr). Man it seems like a previous life when I first started writing this blog but I can still remember the exact moment I posted on Facebook (from my cubicle at the call centre which they were starting to decorate with Christmas regalia) that I was going to be starting a blog. I was inspired by comedian Richard Herring who also does a daily blog after seeing an interview with him where he said that every day there are these great little moments that get lost in time because you don't write them down. At the time I had hoped that this would become a Hunter S Thompson-style blog where I would go out of my way to do things in order to get a story out of them...hasn't quite worked out that way. I normally finish the day during which nothing has happened and so I'm forced to write a bout a YouTube video or an episode of Hollyoaks and drag that out for a few hundred words. With the ten year anniversary of this blog not far away it feels like I really should do something special to commemorate this occasion and something this captures the original purpose of the blog. My gut is telling me to book a trip to Sarajevo in order to see the spot where Archduke Ferdinand was killed as this has long been a weird fascination of mine but it's now the run-up to Christmas so the money could be better spent on that instead. I was trying to think of something I could do locally. I've been interested in booking an IQ test at a Mensa centre for a while in order to confirm exactly how stupid I really am so I might look into that. I also think it would be a good day to have another attempt at launching a podcast which I have tried before but it didn't last long. One of the things I could do for the podcast is in the morning I could write down the top news stories on Yahoo News (one of the few news sites left where you don't have to subscribe to read the stories) and then just riff for half an hour on them sort of like what Collings and Herrin used to do in their podcast. Plus every Thursday I could upload a review of AEW Dynamite, on Fridays I could review Impact and on Saturdays review Rampage, plus occasional specials where I review pay per views.

[jessiarts]

I just saw your content meme and that shit had me in tears. I'm sorry that happened to you 🥺❤

Thank you for your empathy. I'm sorry that it's happened to so many others as well.

I've been reading all comments and tags on that post. So many write how they have actually lost their enthusiasm for creating because situations just like that happened to them too often. I read one the other day that said they actually gave up writing completely because of it. That's heartbreaking to hear.

This is why we keep telling people to share, not repost, content. It really does take a toll on creators; both to feel your work isn't worthy, and to see that your work was worthy, but apparently not when posted by you.

Story Time (happy ending!)

I remember the first time it happened to me. I had a piece get quite popular, but I didn't know it for forever because someone had re-uploaded it to their own tumblr instead of reblogging it and from there it just got reposted over and over and over again across the internet-- without me. (In fact for years my original post from 2016 only sat at 12 notes. It currently sits at 15 despite being shared hundreds of times across the internet. Who knows, you might have seen it before. If so, Hi! I'm the one that drew it lol)

It wasn't until a friend shared it from a facebook page (not even realizing it was mine) that I even knew it had happened and when I reverse-image searched it I found the hundreds of times it had been reposted. (And if you google "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape -Dumbledore!" it's literally the first image result, and within the first ten if you google "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape meme" or "Snape Sandbox." Unfortunately those results all come from Pinterest. I just searched it again just for shits and giggles for this post and people apparently are still reposting it as early as 5 days ago. Heh.) My sister later told me she had seen it before too, had even thought "Heh, that looks like something Jessi would draw" but because my signature was cropped she didn't know that it had, in fact, been my work.

It's a conflicting, bittersweet, feeling to see that yes, so many people loved something you made, but you never got to see the happiness it brought people it until it was over, that it happened all without you, and knowing it's because someone took that from you. I honestly wondered what the point of continuing to create was if people were just going to steal my work, part of my soul, for attention and just leave me in the dust.

I've told that story so that I can now tell you of a happier story:

I had another post go popular on here. Only this time it didn't get reposted (well, it did from where I posted on Insta, but we're gonna focus on the happy that on here people respected me enough as the artist to not steal it this time lol)

This time I got to interact with everyone who enjoyed it- and it was so much better!

I was able to see how happy the comic made people in real time. I got to engage with people who thought the thing I made was cool. I got to read the tags where people wrote about specific parts that they liked and what made them laugh. I got to meet new accounts that had the same interests and engage with them. I still get notes from it popping up from time to time and every time it lights up my day to see that comic has made yet another person happy.

None of that was taken from me just so that someone else could gain attention using my work.

It was so much better. It actually encouraged me to make more art! I didn't care if it got popular, I was just happy that anyone enjoyed something I had created.

So, for anyone reading this, please: if you enjoy something someone created, please reblog it. Don't repost it.

And for the love of the gods, PLEASE let's all collectively stop giving repost accounts attention for stealing work from creators. They don't give credit, they don't ask permission, and they gaslight creators by telling them that they should be grateful for the exposure when in reality the creators don't get any. Repost accounts only care about exposure for themselves and growing accounts that they'll abandon or sell in a couple years anyway. It's never about the creators with them, they're only chasing clout.

Think about it, they could easily just share directly from the accounts of the creators, in fact it's actually easier to do so. The only reason to repost someone else's work is because you know it'll get your own account attention.

Let's give the attention to the people who actually created the art, not the people who stole the art.

#sorry this is so long #i just had a lot of feelings after reading how many other people related to that post #ask #answered ask #jessi rambles #storytime #reblog dont repost #tumblr #art #artists on tumblr #writers on tumblr #fanart #fanfic #comics #tumblr comics #webcomics

[headoverheelsforramsey]

Hey hey hey! Here are this week's newlywed questions! So excited!

Note: Once again, this week’s round focuses on photos! Dialogue is entirely optional, though for some of these, it’d be fun to know the story behind the pictures ;) Tumblr mobile only allows 10 picture uploads (there are 10 questions), so collages are highly encouraged! Otherwise, the non-beta version of Tumblr desktop will allow more than ten.

Have fun!

For MC

Favorite childhood photo of Ethan

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Contact name and photo for Ethan

Top three photo results when you Google Ethan

First picture of or with him that you uploaded to social media

For Ethan

Favorite childhood photo of your spouse

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Contact name and photo for your spouse

Top three photo results when you Google your spouse

First picture you ever took of or with your spouse

*Credit to the anon who sent me the first three questions!

Hi Bree! These questions were so fun to answer, I loved it! 🤩 Thank you for sending these to me! 💖

P.S. : Ignore my mediocre editing skills, I tried my best! 😬

So lezz go!

FOR MEERA

Favorite childhood photo of Ethan

Meera : Ooh! Starting with a bang!

Ethan : No, Meera. Bree said favourite not embarrassing.

Meera : What if the embarrassing one is my favourite?

Ethan (with a snug face) : Fine then, I have ammunitions too.

Meera : You do?

Ethan (nods)

Meera (thinks for a moment) : Fine, so can we call it truce that no embarrassing pictures this round? (extends hand)

Ethan (shakes hand) : Sure Dr. Ramsey-Bose.

Meera : After the infamous CPR pic, this has to be my favourite. Look at this kid. Isn't he adorable? 🥺 You were always a dog person, no doubt we are soulmates.

Ethan : That's Tito. He was the pet to an elderly couple that lived accross the street from us. He was a very good boy.

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Meera : This picture from our wedding is one of my favourite.

Ethan : Mine too.

Contact name and photo for Ethan

Meera : He didn't allow the 🥵 emoji so I bargained it for the 🔥 one.

Ethan : I neither understand the purpose nor importance of this.

Meera : Try being a millenial to understand babe.

Top three photo results when you Google Ethan

Meera (chuckles) : Remember the first time you did this for the pictagram profile.

Ethan : I said this that day, I'll say it again, the internet is a scary place.

Ethan : Officially off the market? What even is that?

Meera (not being able to stop laughing) : You look so cute when flustered.

Ethan rolls eyes

Meera : Okay this is the article from when you announced on national television that you are not single. And the rest two are your recent achievements.

Ethan : Yes but how is something from four years back still the top result?

Meera : You did break almost a million hearts that day.

Ethan (a huge grin on his face) : Damn. Bad luck, I am stuck with you.

First picture of or with him that you uploaded to social media

Meera : Oh my my I have to scroll waayyy back for that.

Ethan (looks at Meera's screen as she scrolls) : Howcome there are more pictures of me on your profile than yours?

Meera : Because you are hotter and more famous and that gives me much more likes and followers.

Ethan (shakes head) : Kids these days.

Meera : So, a little backstory. Dr. Ramsey kissed me infront of the entire hospital on the day of the Gala. But then didn't want to make our relationship public. I agreed because everyone was not in a right mindspace with the hospital closing and losing jobs.

Ethan : We were also figuring things out since we no longer would be working in the same place.

Meera : Then the hospital got saved and everything went back to normal. But he still didn't want to make it public. Next he wanted to take me for a getaway before the hospital opened after the remodeling. So I told him that I had to make it public now.

Ethan : As far as I remember, you ordered.

Meera : Yes I did. You tell me Bree what was I gonna tell my roommates? That I am going away for a romantic getaway with my BOSS? So I had to make it public a week before we left with this post. And all my friends and acquaintances literally roasted us alive in the comments. (facepalms)

Ethan : In my defense, how was I suppose to know that every single person knew?

Meera : You weren't quite subtle about it babe.

Ethan : But at the end it all paid off. (kisses Meera)

FOR ETHAN

Favorite childhood photo of your spouse

Meera : Remember no embarrassing ones.

Ethan : I got you, love.

(just breaking character here to say this is me lol 🙈)

Meera : Oh my God! How did you even get this?

Ethan : Maa (Meera's mom) sent this.

Meera : This was at my uncle's wedding. I was what? Four.

Ethan : and the cutest four year old.

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Ethan : One from our Indian Wedding, where she looked like a queen.

Meera : I LOVE this picture!

Contact name and photo for your spouse

Meera (sighs) : Gonna be something boring for sure.

Meera : Okay Ramsey, I see you played well. Now what about adding a 🥵 emoji beside the purple heart?

Ethan : I'll delete the picture and the heart if you try to bring me to put one of those faces.

Meera : Okay, okay, I hear you. Better be happy with what you have!

Top three photo results when you Google your spouse

Meera : Am I even famous enough to be Google searched?

Ethan : Ofcourse you are, darling!

Meera (chuckles) : Yeah I am, after marrying you.

Ethan : That's not true see this one is about you heading the DT.

Meera : And the other ones are about our wedding and honeymoon respectively.

Ethan : Don't worry you will recieve all the recognition and love within a few years, I promise. (kisses her forehead)

Meera : With a husband and mentor like this, ofcourse I will.

First picture you ever took of or with your spouse

Meera : Shit! Why can't I remember this?

Ethan silently pulls out the picture.

Meera : Oh yes this was in Miami, with Ines!

Ethan : Absolutely correct.

Meera : Now I remember. I was too afraid to ask you for a photo so Ines made you click one of us. And look at you know, my designated photographer for life!

Ethan (grins) : Can't say, I don't enjoy capturing your beauty.

Meera : Aww!

(they kiss)

Phew! Another week done! Thank you Bree for this once again! 💖 @jamespotterthefirst @messrprongs

A/N : I realised after creating the social media post that @gryffindordaughterofathena had used the same photo. But she gave me a green light to post mine so thank you Dri! 🤗

Tagging my usual : @starrystarrytrouble @mm2305 @charisworld @choicesfanaf @potionsprefect @genevievemd  @shanzay44 @little-flowers-on-heaven @schnitzelbutterfingers  @coffeeheartaddict @gryffindordaughterofathena @chemist-ana @adiehardfan @custaroonie @ireneadlerisseggsy @takemyopenheart @natureblooms24 @mainstreetreader @izzyourresidentlawyer @a-crepusculo @quixoticdreamer16 @starryeyedrookie @barbean

Please let me know if you want to be added or removed. Also if you want to sit out only the answers to the newlyweds game then hit me up too. There will be no hard feelings I promise! 💜

#newlyweds game with your host bree #queen bree supremacy! #ethan x meera

[ziamhaze]

My Future in Fic

Yeah, so, the 100k fic that I’ve been working on for the past six months?  The one that was going to be uploaded to AO3 last week?  Yeah, it’s accidentally getting published...

Where do I start?

I suppose with a massive thank you to anyone who’s clicked on any of my fics over these past two years.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.  I never ever thought about writing as a career.  I’ve never written anything prior to my Harry Potter AU Compartment 451.  I didn’t even take an English class in undergrad or grad school.  I genuinely just had an idea for a fic I wanted to read and since no one had written it, I had to do so myself.  Since then, I’ve written every single day for 2 years.  I left my job in the entertainment industry, got accepted to one of the best creative writing programs in the world on a scholarship, and now one of my stories is being considered at Harper Collins.  Yes, the Harper Collins.  It’s the longest shot in the world, but for legal reasons I was not allowed to upload the fic version on any website prior to submission.  Even if they don’t pick it up, I’ve been advised to continue to shop it around to agents.

What I can do, however, is share the premise.

If you’ve been following my tumblr and watching my tags - I SEE YOU ALL OUT THERE - then you’ll know that this fic was meant to have Zayn with his signature undercut hairstyle and one more little thing...

Someone sent me an ask a while back about what this fic was supposed to be about.  I believe I said something about it being an adaptation fic, but not from a film/tv show/other piece of literature, from a song.  This next fic was meant to be an adaptation of the song Younger by Ruel.  Later on, it also took shape with the help of Remember by Liam and a few others that you can find here.

The miniature summary is as follows:

When his father suddenly passes, twenty-nine-year-old Liam Payne is brought back to the Sydney suburbs where he grew up.  He doesn’t plan on seeing his childhood best friend, Zayn Malik, at the burial service.  They haven’t spoken since going from brothers to strangers one fateful day fifteen years prior.  But Zayn puts an end to this when he approaches Liam after the burial, offering his condolences and asking if Liam can help his archaeological research team with photographing their newest project.  The unexpected closeness forces each man to wade through uneasy emotions.  For Liam, a mixture of grief, lost identity, and confusion over why he’s willing to interact with the one person he swore he’d never forgive.  And for Zayn, a tidal wave of anxiety that comes from finally facing a part of himself he’s always chosen to deny.  When We Were Younger is a story heavily rooted in blurred identities and exploring what loss can look like in two different scenarios: death and friendship.

For obvious reasons, their names will be changed.  Liam, to Hutton.  Zayn, to Cairo (his ethnicity will also be changed to Egyptian).  As you can see, it was meant to be my big ‘enemies to lovers’ fic.  Technically, it’s ‘best friends to enemies to lovers’, but you know.

Right, so what does this mean for me going forward?

I still have so much inspiration when it comes to writing Zayn and Liam as characters.  I don’t plan on putting a complete stop to writing them, but with my career taking this large of a turn, I do have to prioritise my time.  That said, as of now, I can’t afford to write long-form fic any longer.

Soon, I’ll be starting a PhD program where I’ll be writing another full-length novel for mass publication.  For fun, here’s a little insight on the two ideas that I’ll be pitching:

1.  Underground boxer (loosely based off Liam) falls in love with arms gang leader (loosely based off Zayn).  Throughout their love story, the latter has to outrun the psychological trauma his father (the leader of Zayn’s rival gang) still throws his way. 

2.  Cold War AU.  Paris, circa 1950/51.  Ambassador’s son (loosely based off Liam) befriends new student (loosely based off Zayn) at the international school.  Paris is a ticking time bomb; war is about to break out at literally any second.  The two clearly have feelings for each other, but can’t act on them because homosexuality in the 1950s...yikes.  When war does break out, the two are separated, and as Liam’s character goes out to find Zayn’s, he learns a secret of his that changes everything.

Whichever I don’t write for the PhD will be the novel I write following it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to write (and edit) like crazy.  Ever since I randomly wrote C451, there hasn't been a day that’s gone by where I haven't written something.  It may have only been a paragraph or two, but never zero.  This is how you get better.  This is the equivalent of going out and shooting free throws for 30 minutes a day.  You have to put in the work in order to get better.  I'm very lucky that I'm incredibly self-disciplined and I've been able to crank out as many stories as I have over the past 2 years.

That said, I’ll be writing shorter little oneshots.  I have several ideas that I’ve been sitting on, but haven’t ever thought to write because I HATE writing short stories.  Little ideas that don't have huge plotline/climax potential, but that I want to just see on paper, I'll probably end up writing.  If I had to guess, I'd say they'll come out to around 10-15k.  Also, sequels?  Prequels?  Haha, you never know...

I’ve also got a series called “Sleep Drabbles” that are, yes, you guessed it, a series of drabbles based around one theme: sleep.  I also have a few scenes that I want to write which are based on ziam’s kids, not actually ziam themselves.  If there’s enough demand for that, I can upload those too, but they’re quite niche, so I don’t think the general fandom would be very interested.

As far as frequency for all of this, I have no idea.  I’ve always done things at my own pace and written stories that I want to write, for myself.  That won’t ever change, so I don’t want to commit to one drabble a week or one short-length fic per month.  It takes me weeks (months for this last fic) to research and interview the necessary people to get character arcs correct/believable.  I love that part of writing, and so if I have a little story that I want to write that may only be 10k but takes me ages to put together how I want, then so be it.  I will always be around to answer asks/messages and please, continue to tag me in your writing tag posts!  But please, no prompts.

So, that’s my future with fic.

Again, I cannot say thank you enough to every single one of you.  Every single thing that people tag me in (@malik-payne , @zqua1d , @zentiment , @liamisthesun , @redyellowberry I’m looking at you), I appreciate and love!  The recommendation lists that people have put me on, THANK YOU!  It’s wild to think that I used to look to rec lists for years and now I’m on them.  @ziamfanfiction THANK YOU for always having my back with exposure!  @paynefulperiods , my beloved beta reader, THANK YOU for always encouraging me and putting up with shit first drafts.  @march-z5 , THANK YOU for always being on call for ideas and listening to me bang my head against the wall at 4 am.

Now, might fuck around and make a fake picspam for the fic that never was...

Also, all of the behind scenes pages for each of my fics are now public, so feel free to check those out here.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making this journey possible. I know people say that a lot when they gain a following of any sort, but I truly truly mean it.  You have to have talent in order to be an author, but you also have to have people who want to read your stuff.  Proof of concept is a real thing.

So thank you a million times over.

Speak soon my friends.

#ziamhaze #my writing #ziam #ziam fanfic #ziam fanfiction #not sure what to tag this #also gonna be reblogging for a while bc I know people are going to be curious about where the next fic is and won't have seen this

[theonetheycallhannah]

The Treatment of Captain Syverson-Chapter 20: Second Assist

Characters: Captain Logan “Sy” Syverson, Shane Benton (OFC), various other original supporting/secondary characters

Summary: Shane reunites with friends and family, hashes out some feelings, and gets real with Sy. Can their relationship survive her trauma? And the threat that still looms above them?

Romance and Smut Abound HERE!

Word Count: 4500

Warnings: Mention of rape, alcoholic beverages, violent imagery…feels out the butt.

Author’s Note: You guys are so splendid and beautiful! I can’t thank you enough for your support and encouragement to finish this piece. First, welcome to new readers! I know poor Henry’s injury and subsequent physiotherapy has driven some of you here, and while I’m sorry for him, I’m glad I can consider myself something of a pioneer in this particular genre and provide you some help for your newfound thirst. To my OG readers, it is to you I owe this entire work, parts written and incomplete, and I hope an eventual book deal. I mean to mention you in my acknowledgements, should this ever reach a willing publisher. You’ve inspired me so supremely that I cannot quantify it, even with the words I hold so dear.

Since my last chapter was posted, we’ve said a relieved goodbye to 2020 and a tentative hello to 2021. To be honest, this year has started out worse than last year. Lots of bad weather in my area this winter, my sister is currently on her way to a new life in another state, and my grandmother, the last grandparent I had, passed away in February. Those last two things have been especially difficult to shake off and recover from, both coming to fruition pretty suddenly. Amongst all that, I’ve been pretty distracted by my other fandoms, especially Marvel, and I’ve been reading a killer book series that I’m utterly in love with. (The Throne of Glass novels by Sarah J. Maas. 10/10 recommend.) But I knew I needed to get back into Shane and Sy’s story, especially given the new and rekindled interest in the subject matter. In all honesty, I’ve had most of it written for months. It’s just been a matter of finishing it off to set up the rest of the story.

I really hope you all enjoy Chapter 20, Second Assist, and would love your feedback and notes. You are all so important to this story, and your notes, reblogs, and comments are cherished. Thank you so much for reading! Love from Hannah!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, Henry is not mine, le sigh, and all mention of him, his characters, any characters from his films, or his precious doggy, Kal, are strictly for transformative and recreational use. I neither ask for, nor accept payment for the work I post on Tumblr or AO3. Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism. This is an original work by me, Hannah. Please reblog if you wish to share. Please do not repost either in whole or part, as the work of anyone but myself. Thanks so much for reading!

Tags:

@onlyhenrys @cavillryarchive​ @summersong69​ @titty-teetee​ @bloodyinspiredfuck​ @agniavateira@oddsnendsfanfics​ @omgkatinka​ @thisismysecretthirstblog @speakerforthedead0​ @tumblnewby  @suavechops​ @radkesgirl83​ @wheretheriversrunintothesea​ @heartfelt-pen​ @auds24  @geekycanuck @lunarstarknight​ @wilma-g  @coldmuffinbanditshoe @feralrunaway​  @sugarpenchant​ @bichibibi @mzchievous-blog @shesakillerkween @madbadidc7ed @foodieforthoughts @toomanyfandomsshreya @oqueequesentes-borboletas @kebabgirl67 @indigosaurus (some of you new readers didn’t ask, but I took the liberty. If you want me to remove you, I totally will without hard feelings.)

If you want to be notified when I post a new chapter or work, I’ll be happy to add you to my tag list! Stricken blogs are getting personal messages from me when a new chapter is uploaded because Tumblr’s faulty tagging system will not stand in the way of me delivering what the people want!(?) lol! (Although…their lackadaisical notification system might…sorry for that. I have no control. lol!)

X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@

Shane woke in her warm bed, late morning sun streaming in through her sheer curtains, the heavier drapes parted to let in the light. She wished she'd remembered to close them before now. She really was not ready to be awake.

She was sore. Achy. Her sleep had been fitful and full of shadowy nightmares and muffled screams. Beyond that, she didn't try to remember images or events. She knew the general premise of the dreams. It would take a lot of time, effort, or a miracle to make her forget those traumas she'd been through in the last week. Not even forget. She knew she never would. But move on from them. Accept them. And heal from them…even that seemed a mighty obstacle. One she was not sure she could surmount.

Through the open bedroom door, she could hear Lynyrd Skynyrd and the clanging and sizzling of pans, and she could smell bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Sy had left the room, but had not, it seemed, gone far. She gingerly sat up, stood from the bed, and donned her robe as she walked out into the hall and down the corridor to the kitchen.

The sight before her warmed her heart. There was Sy. In only his boxers, daringly frying the notoriously dangerous breakfast meat. Upon her entry to the kitchen, she could also smell pancakes, and she thought syrup, as well. He seemed to be warming a bottle of the maple unction in a pot of hot water. He turned as she stepped on a squeaky floorboard, and grinned widely at her.

"Mornin' sunshine." And she was struck by the irony of someone with such a radiant smile calling her sunshine. Especially when she didn't feel much like beaming. But she couldn't help return the expression, even through her pain.

"Mornin' bear. Did you go to the store?" She knew she couldn't have any bacon in her fridge, and she doubted her eggs and milk were still good at this point. But she also couldn't think that he would leave her for any reason.

"Nah, some of the guys brought over some provisions. Matt worked on your car all night, too, and filled up the tank. It's as good as new. He and Nate brought ‘er over as well as the groceries. I just had ‘em get stuff I knew your family wouldn't be bringing later. They've had tons of food given to them this week, and they're ready to share. You should have seen your mom loading me down with sandwiches and chips and whatnot when I visited them."

"I still can't believe you met them. I really wanted to introduce you personally." Shane's face fell. She would never be able to get that back. She wanted to cry. Sy had poured her a cup of coffee and sat it in front of her with her favorite creamer.

"Darlin' I’m so sorry. I had to talk to them."

"I know." she sniffed. "I'm not mad. Not at you. Just…"she didn't want to say Elliott's name. "I'm disappointed that the experience was stolen from me." That so many things had been stolen from her. By that monster. There was no other way to describe him. Sy growled. As if he could read her mind. He really just knew her well enough and shared her thoughts.

"Well, don't worry, we'll have a nice dinner with them one of these days, and we can pretend. Sound good?"

"Yeah, and I can feign nervousness." she laughed.

"And I'll pretend too. That I'm scared to meet your dad." he chuckled. "What if he threatens me with his shotgun?"

"I'll pull the ol' 'Daddy, no, I loooooove him!' line, as I throw myself between you!"

"That oughta work." he laughed and kissed her on the forehead as he stepped toward the stove and flipped a pancake.

As they sat eating their late breakfast, Shane's mind wandered. Nothing had changed on the surface, but everything was different now. This cozily mundane breakfast with her boyfriend felt like an out of body experience. As delicious as it was, as wonderful and comforting as it should feel, her guard was up. Even through her amiable façade. She was not the person she was two weeks ago. She was not the same woman who said goodbye to Sy at the base. Maybe that was the real transformation. Maybe that was why nothing felt normal. It wasn't the world, but her own self coming back into it.

"Shane?" Sy asked, gently, but it felt like he was speaking through a megaphone directly into her ear. She was so startled, she nearly dropped the half full mug of coffee that was paused midway to her lips. A bit sloshed out onto the table and splashed her shirt.

"Shit!" she chided herself. It wasn't a big deal, but she felt stupid jumping at the sound of her own name.

Sy reached for the closest towel, hanging from the oven handle, grabbed it and started for her clothes with it. She stopped him. But she couldn't think about why the intimate act made her uncomfortable.

"No, don't, it's fine. These clothes have seen better days, anyway." She pulled the towel from him and began to mop up the small puddles of coffee around her plate.

Sy seemed to note the stains already present on the shirt, as if trying to divine their history. She was something of a messy eater, so the battle wounds of many a barbecue, spaghetti dinner, and hurried breakfast peppered the now off-white SATB club tee she'd gotten her second or third year in college choir. She thought back to a huge room with high ceilings. White, cinder block walls, flecked tile floors, a beautiful, glossy, black baby grand in front of a long whiteboard with black lines to resemble sheet music. She thought about the mnemonic device she'd learned to help her remember what notes appeared on each line, and in the spaces between them. She pondered the deeper meanings and implications of these devices. EGBDF…every good boy does fine. She thought about the "good boys" in her life. She knew many. Her dad, her brother Ethan, Sy, obviously, her many male coworkers and friends…and honestly they did far better than "fine." They were wonderful. But she was letting the "bad boys" she'd encountered dictate her mood. Permeate her psyche. Tear her down. She didn't want to be like this. Then FACE came to mind, and above their purpose of indicating the notes between the lines on the staff, they called her to action. To face these newly minted demons with all the strength she knew she possessed, and she too would "do fine." But as with almost all actions, this was easier said than done.

She felt a warm presence on her left hand which had paused it's torture of the now coffee-infused kitchen towel. Sy's hand was squeezing hers gently.

"Shane." he uttered, barely above a whisper this time. She looked at him through tears that she had not realized had formed. He continued.

"Shane, what can I do, darlin'? I'll do anything."

"Babe, you're doing everything you can, and more. This…this is all going to have to come from me. I…don't know when I'll be myself again…" she paused, tears streaming now. "I'm…I'm different."

"You're not though." he reached for her face, but she pulled away.

"I am, damn it! Sy, I was…" Words had power. And the one she was thinking of had more power than she thought was warranted. She knew that uttering it would take away it's power…and yet mustering the courage and strength to actually do so…seemed impossible. She took a deep breath, and disassociated herself from the statement, even though it was about her own past.

"I was raped." She refused to cry. She felt it all again. She had never said the words. She had never thought it necessary. Everyone understood. Sy, his friends, and she was sure her own loved ones had made the connection. But she knew she needed to say it now to drive home the points she was about to make.

Sy, looked at the table, nodding, not needing to be told in so many words something he already had surmised from the clear evidence. He remained silent. She went on.

"I love you, Sy. I have since the day we met, on one level or another, and I believe that I always will. But I…right now I can't be a proper girlfriend to you. I can't…be with you, touch you, be touched by you, in the way we used to be. In the way you deserve…and I don't know when…or even if…I ever will. Not that I don't want to. That's ALL I want in the world. To go back. To be the woman who fell in love with this…incredible man. To make love with you, but…I can't."

Sy's eyes were full of tears, their predecessors already descending his round cheeks and disappearing into his thick, dark beard.

"Sy, I don't want to lead you on and keep you tied to a relationship with no life in it. You deserve someone who's whole. Someone who can be a fully invested partner for you, and not this broken, damaged--"

"You stop that, Shane. I won't hear no more of this kinda talk. Y'hear? You're my girl. My woman. My person. No matter what. You gotta know I'd never leave ya just cuz you aren't ready for sex again. You don't think that I would, do ya?"

"Well, you went to Virginia…you took that job…knowing the distance it would put between us. Literally and figuratively."

"Biggest mistake of my life." Shane raised her eyebrows in surprise as Sy elaborated. "I couldn't focus on my classes without wishing you were there. Wishing I could team up with you for discussions and hand to hand combat training…that thought got me a little too excited, if you catch my drift." He smirked, pulling a sheepish smile from Shane. "Then in that forest. I dreamt about you every night. I thought of you constantly. I could barely breath sometimes, I missed ya so damned much. I was an idiot. I was insane to think that I needed anything other than you. Any MORE. There IS no more. You're it. You're the MOST! The most important thing in my life."

The declaration hung like vapors in the air, more felt than seen. Tangible yet ethereal.

"And when I found out that you were missing…I was…well, I think I looked like death…and not warmed over. You can ask the program director I met with after I got the news. She could tell I was just sick over it. And as I thought about it on the way home, pieced things together, started thinking about who'd taken you, I got murderous. Shane, I have been in dozens of battles, skirmishes, firefights, you name it. War. But…the sheer bloodlust I felt thinking about what you could be going through…I've never experienced anything like it. Everything was red. Everything. For days. Until I saw you, alive. And then it went red again when I saw the fear and damage on your face." she could tell he was doing his best not to talk about the farmhouse and that basement, but she still flashed back to the moments before and after his appearance there. The moments when she simultaneously prayed to live and hoped to die.

"You don't owe me anything, Shane. I just want you in my life, and I don't care what your presence looks like. Romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between. I'm here for you. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

Shane felt the urge to wrap her arms around her boyfriend, but could not seem to move more than one arm to place her other hand on top of his. She hoped the gratitude and love behind the small, but heartfelt gesture landed. It was all she had in that moment, no matter how abundant her affection.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shane's family's arrival was a complete blur to her. It was joyous, tearful, and the happiest she'd been in a long time. The moment she opened the front door for them, she was surrounded, engulfed with hugs from her parents and siblings. They stood in their affectionate huddle for several moments before Peg waved Sy over with marked insistence. He'd been standing by, observing happily, but not wanting to intrude on the familial reunion.

When they finally dispersed, John asked the two younger men to help him bring in groceries. The women headed into Shane's bedroom for a more private setting in which to talk. Shane filled her mother and sister in the best she could given the rawness of the wounds left on her mind by the events.

She leaned against the headboard cuddling with Gabby while her mom rubbed her feet. She had insisted on doing this thing that had always comforted her children, and made them feel much better when they were younger.

"Well, I'm very proud of you, pumpkin." The girls both looked at their mother, who rather uncharacteristically hadn't spoken in some time. Shane was nonplussed. Peg elaborated.

"You survived something that many women don't. You're talking about it now, which even more women don't. You may think you're broken, but you're just a tree damaged by a storm, but standing stronger than ever." Trust her mom to lay such wisdom on her. When she felt like giving up. When she just wanted pity. When she could only see defeat. Her mother had always found a way to encourage and buoy her and show her the victory.

"Mom's right." Gabby affirmed, and it was Peg's turn to be nonplussed, as the two women, though similar in so many ways, never seemed to see eye to eye. "It's true. Shane I've seen a lot of women come into the clinic in shoes very much like yours. And trust me…some of them…they don't make it to this point. You've got a long way to go before you're fully recovered, don't get me wrong, but you'll get there. You have us. And you have Sy."

"And then there's Sy." She diverted. "How am I supposed to plan any sort of future with him when…" She looked at her mom, and hesitated. Peg rolled her eyes.

"Shane, I know what the two of you get up to when you're alone. You don't have to be shy with me."

"Still…" she took a breath and spoke. "When I can't bring myself to…sleep with him?"

"Look at him, you're kidding, right?" Gabby chided, insensitively, but recanted at the pained expression on Shane's face. "Sorry, sis. Trying to lighten the mood a touch. Too soon. But seriously, I don't think this reluctance you feel will be permanent."

"And even if it is," Peg took over, "that man is out-of-his-mind in love with you, Shaney." She kissed Shane's toe before putting a sock on her foot. "He almost seems to worship you. Now, you know how I feel about using that term outside of religious context, but that is exactly the kind of love I want for you. Devout, and unconditional."

"But, mom, I can't--"

"Did you hear me? I said 'unconditional,' sweetie." Peg interrupted. "No matter what. No matter the obstacle. No matter the distance. No matter the circumstances. Love unwavering. That's what Sy has for you. I've seen it in him. Trust the momma."

The insistence her mother placed on trust had always ruffled Shane's feathers. Gabby's too, who she could feel stiffen slightly beside her. But Shane, for once, really wanted to trust her mother, hoping against hope that she was right. And that she, herself  wouldn't screw up the best relationship she had ever been in or was likely to ever be in again.

The girls had begun talking about some of the coworkers who'd brought food in the past week, and Peg couldn't resist remarking on the character of her favorites and judging the ones she didn't care for…oddly enough, getting more or less, the correct measure of them, as Shane saw it.

After what must have been an hour from the time they'd arrived, they heard a knock on the slightly ajar bedroom door. John poked his head in.

"Ladies, we've put a casserole in the oven, and completed various manly projects around the house--"

"Oh, daddy, what projects?" She cringed. She hated that the men had felt the need to "fix" things.

"Babe, your guest bathroom had not one, but two leaky faucets, your kitchen table seemed to be more of a teeter-totter, and half the light bulbs in the living room were out. Among other tiny things. You're welcome." he smirked his crooked smirk so similar to her own, and she returned it as if he was looking in a mirror.

"Thanks, dad."

"Anyway, lunch is almost ready. So, when you've finished your confab, let's eat."

Dinner passed amiably, Shane found a reserve within herself to allow some quasi-normal behavior, as long as you didn’t look too closely. She was talking animatedly with her siblings, making their parents and Sy laugh riotously. Shane noticed some odd looks passing between Sy and her father, but chalked it up to paranoia. She wished at least Gabby and Ethan could stay, but Heather would be over soon, and she deserved her own dedicated time. Shane wanted to give that to her.

She said her farewells to her family with promises to visit them the next day, and at least one more time before her siblings went back home, if she could work it out.

Sy was so wonderful the whole time. Standing by her, a hand resting lightly on her shoulder as they waved goodbye to the departing vehicle. He made her feel so safe. They went into the kitchen and cleaned up from lunch. Well, Sy cleaned. Shane was texting Heather about when she'd be over.

"Heather says she'll be here in about a half hour. She's picking up wine and pizza." Shane told Sy without looking up from her phone. She could see out of the corner of her eye, though, that he had just closed the dishwasher and was selecting a cycle.

"Sounds great. Do you want me to get out of here? Give you guys some time, one on one?" He asked as he dried his hands, wet from preparing dishes for the machine.

She thought about it, and shuddered. She played a scene in her head that startled her. In her mind's eye, she saw Sy leave and then moments later heard a knock on the door. Presuming it was Heather, she opened the door with abandon, only to see Elliott standing there under a flickering porch light, smirking maliciously at her and ready to overpower and abduct her again. She shook the thought from her head, but remained uneasy as she answered his question.

"Uh, no. Thanks. I'm sure she'll want to talk to both of us. She likes you." Shane grinned softly at Sy in an attempt to mask her trepidation over the thought of him leaving her alone for any period of time. She thought it had worked.

"Okay, well, whatever you think, sunshine. I don't wanna get in the way." He was wiping down the countertops. She felt so impossibly full of love for him, she was starting to wonder how she hadn't yet burst with it. She couldn't bear the thought of holding him back from a fulfilling relationship. He deserved everything she couldn't give him right now. And she knew she should make him leave her. Cut him loose. But she was, as she'd been since she'd met him, a weak woman. She couldn't stand the thought of being without him. Of him no longer being hers. And somehow worse, of not being his, herself. She would always need him for so many reasons, not least of which being her love for him. Maybe one day, she'd recover from this trauma, and be able to be who he deserved. To give him what he needed.

"You're never in the way, bear." She walked up behind him, wrapped her arms around his middle and squeezed him as tight as she could. He placed a loving hand over hers, sighing and smiling, though she had no visual proof of the latter. It was just a feeling.

Heather's greeting was no less exuberant than that of Shane's family, but it was more joyful and less emotional, even though she was immensely relieved to see her best friend after so long. They talked as if no time had passed, and Shane mustered up the dregs of her former self to have one more interaction for the day. Thank God it was Heather and not someone who would require more. She wouldn't have it to give.

"I am so glad you're okay, Shane! Things around the clinic have been bleak as fuck. Susan is loosing her mind, Anita is beside herself with concern, and the rest of us just plain ol' miss the hell out of you. And not just because of all of the overtime everyone has been pulling to get your patients seen."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize…wow, I'm awful. I didn't even think---"

"That you'd be missed? Think again, sister. The place would fall apart if you ever really left. But don't feel guilty. It's the least everyone can do, and they've all said it themselves. We all love you, and know that you'd do the same for any of us if you could at all. Hopefully you won't have to, though!"

Shane nodded, eyes wide in agreement. She wouldn't wish the last week of her life on her worst enemy. On the worst person in the world. Except maybe the people responsible. Tit for tat.

"Well, I'm sorry my absence has caused extra work for all of you." Shane looked into the deep glass of Chardonnay Sy had poured her from the bottle Heather had brought. She felt about as small as the air bubble making it's way up the sloping curve of the stemless vessel. She felt a guilt that she knew was fully void of logic. It made no sense for her to feel guilt for being kidnapped. But she had always had this notion, this nagging voice in her head that told her that her misfortunes were a direct result of her decisions. That she'd inadvertently stepped on the butterfly that resulted in the monsoon she was currently experiencing, and whatever cataclysmic events she would face next.

"Why in God's name are you apologizing for this, Shay?" Heather's tone was kind, but still mildly scolding.

"If I'd never been with Elliott, none of this would have--"

"Bitch, are you a fortune teller?"

"No, but--"

"Soothsayer?"

"No."

"Time traveler?"

"I wish!" Shane chuckled. But she really did wish.

"Have you any real and proven success at consistently predicting the future?"

"I don't, but--"

"No. No buts. No howevers. You had no idea what becoming involved with Elliott could have done. Were there signs, sure. But you can't look on the past as a rubric to judge the quality of your decisions. You know that. You can only learn from your mistakes. And you have."

"Heather's right, sunshine. You really have learned. You look for Elliott's behaviors in mine and shut me down quick if you see 'em. You're not going to let yourself go down that road again. And I'm proud of you for it."

Shane silently worried her wine glass. It was hard to argue with such truth. But it was hard to agree when her own feelings were in such stark opposition. So she did neither.

"Well, I've preached my sermon for the day." she laughed. "I've taken up enough of your time. Oh, your phone. It's in my purse. I think it's fully charged, but I turned it off."

Shane thanked her friend, then Heather hugged them both and took her leave.

"Y'okay, bug?" Sy asked her after what she surmised was several minutes of silence. Minutes she didn't notice as they passed.

"Mmm…" she trailed off.

"Can I do something for ya?" And she really thought about the question. He could probably do a lot of things for her. He could make love to her until she felt whole again, even if it hurt her at first. Not an ideal option. He could probably get them both some new identities and enough money to spirit her away to somewhere her past wouldn't follow. If she became someone new, literally, would she have to bring that old baggage, those old scars, with her? Again, suboptimal. But he could definitely take the source of all grief and turmoil in her life far into the Missouri back country, somewhere not even the hunters would venture, some fallow field or forgotten cistern, and end him. Snuff out his spark of life like a candle caught in a tornado. Spill a fatal amount of his monstrous blood onto the unforgiving earth and send him to the Hell to which he was undoubtedly destined. But did she want that? Did she want another soul as a scar on that of the man she so deeply cherished? He'd say it was worth it. He'd say he'd take a thousand more for her. A million. That was Sy.

"Nothing comes to mind." She lied. And he knew it was a lie, but didn't push it. She was so grateful that he respected her, not for the lie itself, but for the reason she wasn't giving him the whole truth just now.

His phone went off and he picked it up as he stood from his seat at the table. She could only hear that it was Matt, the guy she thought she understood had the car place, before she heard tension in Sy's voice. Even from the next room, she could tell something was wrong, though he was talking too quietly for her to make out words.

She heard him suddenly shout a stream of profanities that he rarely said at all around her, at least, let alone together. There was a bang, and the walls of her kitchen quaked like the tectonic plates beneath them were shifting.

Sy walked back in, his face was red, as were his knuckles. He was shaking an injury out of his hand.

"What's wrong?" she asked, deep concern at his appearance and demeanor, suddenly ominous.

"I need to fix your wall in there." he grumbled, evading, without success. She'd be doing therapy on his hand, next.

"What's really wrong?" she repeated, sternly.

"That was Matt. Elliott's…escaped, somehow. He's in the wind."

Shane's heart became so heavy, she could almost feel it smashing through the kitchen floor and burying itself deep in the cement floor of her basement.

"Oh, God! No! What if he goes to the police!?"

"Fuck that, I'm more concerned about him coming after you!"

The two stared, faces full of equal measures of concern for the other.

Up Next: Chapter 21-Patient Education

#netflix #netflix sand castle #captain syverson #Captain Syverson x OFC #captain syverson fanfic #sigh for sy #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill x reader

[baek-at-it-again95]

The Only One (Hongjoong x reader) Dead by Daylight Trickster AU

*Warnings: Blood, violence, death, occasional cursing

*** = time skips

*A/N: Hi everyone! This will be my first upload to tumblr, so I apologize if any links don't work, if there are any mistakes, etc. It will also be uploaded to Quotev.

I recommend reading the Trickster's backstory, since this story is based off of a lot of its plot points.

*****

Being a manager of eight boys is...difficult to say the least. Sure, I have all the help in the world and an amazing team, but when it comes to an issue between them, it's always in my hands.

That's why when seven of those boys plead for me to remove Hongjoong from the group, I'm beyond stressed. There are so many claims coming from their mouths that it's hard to keep up. Hongjoong did this, Hongjoong did that. 

"Okay, okay, slow down, slow down!" I hush them, taking a seat on top of my desk. They all mumble and push themselves around for a moment before a tall member with silver hair and broad shoulders comes center. 

"He keeps threatening us! And...and this morning he said he was planning something!" Seonghwa says, worry evident in every handsome feature of his face. 

"Are you sure he's not just messing with you? Maybe hinting that he's planning to produce a new song with you?" I ask. To be honest, I've picked up on some questionable behavior before. However, it was never harmful that I know of. A little prank here, a little comment there. It's never gone over the edge.

Yunho speaks up this time. "No, the behavior has worsened this week. He's been in the studio for way longer than usual, missing practice, and avoiding having meals with us." 

"Boys, your comeback is in a few weeks. Spending time in the studio is normal. Plus, having your leader removed from the group will really put a dent in our schedule here."

Jongho comes forward and takes my hand. "Y/N, we fear that this is more serious than a mere schedule change. What if there's something wrong with him?" The maknae seems to wince at his own thoughts. 

"Okay, okay, I'll go talk to him and see what's up." Jongho helps me off of my desk, and they all make room for me to exit my office before them. Letting out a sigh, I listen to the sound of my heels on the floor as I make my way to the elevators. Maybe a massage to my temples would do my stress some good.

***

The third floor is eerily quiet. Now my heartbeat seems louder than my footsteps, trailing to the studio of the leader. Upon first knock, there's no answer. Maybe he has his headset on? I try again a little louder.

Succeeding, a man with icy-colored hair swings open the door. "Y/N, darling! Are you here to listen to one of my new songs?" He says, flashing his usual charming smile. 

"I wish, Joong. I have to have a little talk with you. Mind if I come in?" I ask hesitantly.

"Oh, I see," he says, raising an eyebrow, "Make yourself comfortable." I nod, walking inside the dimly lit room. Cool-toned colors from his LEDs dance upon his sharp features and cast pretty shadows. I take a seat on a couch across from his set up and he takes the spot beside me. 

"It's come to my attention that you've been a little, how do I even put this...off lately. The boys have expressed their concerns to me. Is everything okay?"

"Their concerns? Oh, you know how they can be sometimes. Remember the last time I was singled out? It was all because I was on the cover of that magazine and they weren't! It wasn't my fault!" 

"I do remember them being a bit dramatic. But are you still mad at them? Saying anything that you maybe don't mean?" I prod, needing him to be honest. 

"Of course not." 

I decide to test him out a little further. "What about the so-called 'thing' you're planning?"

"Why, a song of course. I've been working on this one for such a long time. I just feel like it's missing something, you know?" 

After hearing his answers, I calm down. They're just not getting along, probably due to comeback stress. I put my hand over his that lies between us. "Thank you for being honest, Joong. And, I'll take a listen to your song if you want me to." 

***

"Joong, it's perfect! I truly don't think it's missing anything. But if you think so, you'll figure it out." He absorbs my words of encouragement with excitement.

"I really needed to hear that." He says, his look sincere as he places a light kiss on my cheek. 

I shoot him a smile. "You're doing great. I know with a busy schedule, everyone is stressed out, but I think that spending time with the other members will help you. Try to work together, even though it might be stressful at first." 

"Okay, I'll try my best." His smile falters a bit. They must have given him a hard time.

***

The next day, I think things are looking better. The tension between the boys seems to have dissipated, and that allows me to get more work done. I honestly feel like a mother around here; I look out for them and they look out for me. I'm just so proud of how hard they work...and they're proud of me, too. I had started working for the company only a few weeks before most of them started training. I was actually the one who scouted Hongjoong. He's had immense talent since the first time I'd seen him and he loves giving a good performance. The boys trained under our company together for a few years, and had gone through hell. The industry over here is really no joke. And by being with them for so long, and them being away from their families, it's like we've become a family of our own.

Chapter 2

#hongjoong #horror #dead by daylight #ateez #seonghwa #wooyoung #mingi #yeosang #jongho #Yunho #San #Trickster #Fanfiction #ji woon hak #trickersterhongjoong #hongjoong au #ateez au

[mmvalentine]

Home is Where You Are pt 1 | Feysand

Girl next door AU. Part 2 now up.

Rhys hadn’t seen Feyre in over ten years. It was strange for him to think about, because they had always been so close. They had grown up next door to each other, and had been best friends as children. As they got older, Rhys had flown into fits of jealous rage when Feyre suddenly had a hundred other friends and he was left behind. Then there was that one night, when they were thirteen and camping out in the Archerons' back yard, and giggling in the tent, they had decided to find out what all the fuss was about kissing.

They had leaned in, pressed their lips together, and held their breath. Five seconds went by, and then Feyre pulled back, laughing.

“It’s kind of... wet,” she had said, wiping her mouth of the back of her hand. But Rhys been too stunned to say anything. He followed Feyre’s lead as she lay back in her sleeping bag and launched into a story about a particularly annoying boy at school, and Rhys had pretended to listen. But all the while, his fists were clenched tight at his side, as he fought to get in control of the strange, hot sensation that had started where Feyre’s mouth touched his and had somehow pooled in his stomach like lava. More troublingly, it was moving further south, and the young teenage Rhys was baffled by the apparent autonomy the lower part on his anatomy had lately been growing.

And then the next day Feyre’s mother had a stroke in the kitchen, and hadn’t survived the ambulance ride. And her father, grief stricken and barely functional, and up and moved the whole family to the other side of the country to avoid any reminder of his dead wife. Hadn’t actually managed to sell the house, just abandoned it and let it sit empty and decay over the years. And Rhys, Rhys was left alone with his drunk, bitter father, and he never got to tell Feyre that he was sorry her mother had died, that he knew exactly what it felt like and wanted to be there for her, that he was pretty sure he loved her with all of his thirteen year old heart.

Over the next decade, Rhys’ father got older but not more sober. His arm weakened, thankfully, although his aim somehow never did. Rhys cared for him the best he could until he died- liver failure of course- and then up and moved to the city using the money from his fathers estate. There was a surprisingly large amount of money for the frequency with which Rhys had been fed hot meals as a kid.

He had looked Feyre up on social media, but she was working as an artist now and her photos were all of her work, very rarely with her in them. He had wanted to message so many times, but when he saw how well she was doing, it hadn’t seemed right. Not when he felt like a stark reminder of such a bad time in her life.

And then her father had passed away, leaving them both orphans, and she had reached out to him.

By email, for chrissake. Like some kind of professional courtesy.

Hi Rhys,

Long time no see. I’m guess you’ve head the news by now. Cancer, in the end. But I think he was sort of waiting to die for a long time. Anyway, Nesta and Elain have pretty much checked out of the situation, and so I’ve taken over the big job- selling the old house. My sisters basically said just do it and send us the money.

The upshot is, I’ll be travelling back to the old neighbourhood in about a week. I know it’s been forever, but you lived in that house most as much as we did. I was wondering if you wanted to come down and hang out, before we sell it. I’ve been talking to realtors and I’ll probably be there just a few days, and then leave it to them. I don’t know how any of this works to be honest.

You’re welcome to come with me if you want, but no pressure.

Feyre

Rhys had written back straight away, and before he knew it he was on a plane. Back to that sad little suburb, with its malignant houses and crumpled people. To his father's house, where there were cracks in the wall that Rhys' younger bones had bade. To the Archeron home, where he had found refuge after the old man had passed out, drunk.

To Feyre.

He had no idea what to expect. Had spent the whole flight full to the brim of jitters, and wondering what it would be like to see her again, and cursing himself for letting it get this far and then to not have been the one to reach out first.

And then his feet marched themselves down the crooked streets, knowing where to go instinctively, so before he knew it he was standing before his old house. And hers.

Actually being there was like a punch in the gut. Rhys suddenly felt eight years old again, and even the anticipation of how his old house smelled had nausea rolling in his gut. He didn't think he'd be so affected by it. He wondered if anyone had moved into the house- there were no cars or toys in the front yard, but the garden wasn't overgrown. Not like the Archeron house.

His old neighbour's place looked terrible. Mould was growing over the peeling paint, a few of the windows in the front were cracked, and weeds reigned over the garden. So different from when the girls had lived here, and Elain had been so dilligent with her botanical care.

Rhys remained in silent contemplation for another minute or so, and then, taking him quite by surprise, the front door opened. And there stood Feyre.

Rhys eyes threatened to throw themselves out of their sockets. He worked to keep his jaw shut, and his heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the sight of her.

Feyre was gorgeous.

Little girl Feyre had white blonde hair, skinny arms, and blue bug-eyes. Little boy Rhys had loved her exactly how she was, and had thought she was the most perfect person in the world.

Grown up Feyre was astounding.

Her hair had darkened to the colour of gold and honey, and now curled gently over her shoulders. Her frame had filled out to accommodate softly curving hips and a modest cleavage. She had grown into her eyes, the delicate grey-blue of them like rain-clouds on the horizon. Rhys had been waiting and waiting to meet Feyre again, but this... this was ridiculous.

Since leaving his father's house, Rhys had to admit he spent a lot of time on his body. He never wanted to feel so weak as when he was six years old and unable to protect his mother from his father's rage. Thankfully, as a teenager he started to pile on muscle quite easily. And then after moving out, he made sure to tattoo over the scars on his chest so that his father had no say over what his skin looked like.

And yet now he felt tiny again, and devastated that this Feyre was completely out of his league. He didn't know what to say to her.

Turned out, he didn't have to.

"Rhys!" Feyre said, seeing him standing there. She crossed the yard in a few strides, and before he got so much as a 'hello' out, Feyre had wrapped her arms around him. The smell of her neck right under his nose floored him. She pulled back, with her hands still on him.

"Rhys, I can't believe you're here!" Feyre looked him up and down, and laughed. "Well you got big, huh?"

God, her laugh. He didn't remember it being so musical.

"Hey Feyre," he said out loud. "I'm sorry about your dad." Feyre squeezed his arms. "Thanks. And thank you for coming. It's really good to see you." "It's good to see you," Rhys said. "I'm so sorry it's taken so long." "Well, we're here now," Feyre said, and in that moment Rhys was determined to never let her get that far away from him again.

"So how have you been?" Rhys started to ask. But at that moment, the door opened again, and a man with a blonde man-bun stepped out. He looked like one of those surfer dudes Rhys had never liked.

"Babe," he said. "There's definitely termites in there. It's gonna lower the price point for sure."

Rhys stared. Babe?

Feyre rolled her eyes. "Great, just add it to the list."

It was then that the man noticed Rhys. He extended a hand.

"Hey buddy, I'm Tamlin," he said. "Hey... buddy," Rhys replied tersely. Feyre jumped in. "Tamlin, this is Rhys, he used to live next door when we were kids." Feyre put her hand on Tamlin's arm, and smiled a heartbreaking smile at him.

"Rhys, this is Tamlin. My fiancé."

****

So okay, it has been one week since I hit tumblr and spewed my story telling guts all over you lovely, sweet, kind people.

I know you connected really well with Lockdown Lovers, and it seems maybe a bit less well with Circus of Dreams? So I am throwing out one more AU, a little darker this time. I will keep posting CoD, but please let me know what you think and what you guys want to read.

Anyway I have been uploading manically over the last 7 days and at the moment I feel like I'm bombarding you with my filthy daydreams, so I'm going to try very hard to take a couple days off writing and let people actually read the damn things!

Finally, thank you so, so much for the support and love. I've been using this place to escape from personal problems and you have been outstanding. Hopefully in a few days I'll post at a more reasonable rate and from a better head space.

Thank you, lovers.

TAGLIST: @ghostlyrose2 @highladysith @stardelia @feysand-babies

#feysand #feysand fic #acotar #acomaf #acosf #rhysand #mine

[practicalmagicintuitions]

A little something about tarot for beginners and everyone who is interested.

I planned this post for a long time, mainly for tarot newbies, someone who wants to start or  just interested in how works. It won’t be a Tarot 101, definitely not. More likely, how I work with the cards. 

DISCLAIMER: If you are underage I cannot and I won’t give you any ideas how to hide your practice from your parents or guardians. I know tiktok is very popular, but be careful because there is way more misinformation than any other SM site. 

First, you obviously got familiar with the basic meaning of the cards, the build of the deck. You will learn the suits, the arcanas, the court cards, the numerology groups, and a few keywords. But this comes with practice. This doesn’t mean you can only draw your first card after you learned all of those things. No. When you buy your deck, look at each card carefully. Do not turn into a companion book or the internet immediately. Think about the card, make notes into a journal or a paper about what you feel, notice when you look at the image. Makes you happy, makes you scared? Is it dark, it is light? And after that, you can read what the book says. 

Tarot is about storytelling so your intuition, your memories, your feelings are very important.

When someone is saying tarot has fixed meanings… this is not entirely true. One card can have many many meanings depending on its position or the surrounding cards. Yes, Death card won’t mean your soulmate is coming on a horse, but it’s also 99% won’t mean you are gonna die. 

If you want fixed meanings, you should read Lenormand instead. In Lenormand, there are certain combinations with fixed meanings, there is no place for intuition. The pictures on the Lenormand cards have aesthetic purposes only they don’t have additional meanings. Tarot is intuitive. It means you combine the meanings of the cards and above that, you are using your intuition AND the pictures on the cards. Movements, colours, directions, animals, flowers, symbols etc. 

What do I mean? I’ll show you. 

Those are the Fools from the classic RWS, the Modern Witch Tarot and the This Might Hurt Tarot decks. Look how similar they are at first. They are representing the carfree, daydreaming attitude, the journey. They all have a companion, a dog etc. You can fairly read those the same way. Of course, there are differences, the big city instead of the mountains, backpack etc, but I think those are amazing starter decks. 

I think I wrote in my first tarot post that even many people do not like the classical RWS deck, because the images seem ugly and there is no diversity, for me that is the basis and I think everyone should have own it. But if you absolutely don’t want to because you don’t like it at all, those 2 decks, the Modern Witch Tarot and the This Might Hurt Deck seems a good starter deck. RSW was not my first deck, I haven’t started with it, so you can buy it later on if you want and start with the deck you like more. It is very important to choose a deck that speaks to you. Tarot first and foremost is about your personal journey or helping others if you are reading for others. What I am doing here in tumblr is fun, a good practice, it is testing my abilities but tarot is not only for knowing more about our celeb crushes. It is a guied to ourselves. 

Let’s see more examples with pictures.  The RWS tarot and the New Vision tarot.

New Vision tarot recreates the RWS imagery but as you will see gives a different perspective to the cards, therefore gives a new layer to them. I heard the deck has only a little white book, not a real guide, which is a shame. I think it’s an interesting concept and you could deliver very different readings than with a standard RWS. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend this deck to a newbie but it’s interesting so I show you. You can see how different those images, how different intuitive messages you can get.

Same-ish concept is the Vica Versa Tarot. Based on the ratings it is more usable than the New Vision Tarot. This deck has pictures on both sides and the meaning varies depends on this. This is also a very RWS based deck so it is very interesting to me. Not in the near future, but I want to purchase this deck. 

I will show you a few more examples of cards that are less based on the RWS system (or not at all) therefore you need you and your intuition more.

RWS, Gentle Tarot, Wild Unkown, Shadowscapes

I hope you understand now how important it is to use your own intuitions, feelings, experiences and find the style that suits you. Personally, I prefer the more earth-based, pagan or darker decks (not too dark though, I should say more serious) but you can find all pastel pink, fluffy decks too. There are literally thousands of decks on the market in every style. But those are not cheap things, if you cannot connect you won’t be able to work with them. If you like a deck, go to youtube, search for a flip through. Look at the cards carefully. If you still like it, amazing. However, if you bought a deck and it turns out not for you you can still sell it online or if you are really lucky you have spiritual stores or fairs in your area where you can sell or change it for something else. 

Connecting the cards it’s not easy, but one of my most spot-on reading was when I let my intuition work completely. I remember I pulled the cards and I started to collect the information about what they could mean. And I felt it makes no sense left to right but right to left I understand it crystal clear. I was hesitant because you have this preconception you have to read the cards in order, but guess what, you don’t have to. I will link an excellent video about it, I found it after my reading and it was a light bulb, aha moment for me. This youtube channel is not for beginners, but I recommend watching this video, you will understand what I ment and it will help you.

The other thing, yes, in western culture we read left to right but this is only one way you can do it. You don’t have to stick with it in your readings. In the most popular spread in the Celtic cross you read the last 4 cards from down to up. And on the standard RWS deck (as you can see on the first picture above), The Fool starts his journey and he is heading from right to left. Isn’t this amazing? And the Major Arcana is about The Fool’s journey. Aka your journey.

*( I cannot link here, in the middle of the text, so it will be video 1 at the end)

So don’t be afraid, be free, make your own meaning, rituals. This is your tarot journey, no one else's. Yours. Don’t let some bitter, “I know better, you are wrong” people take your enthusiasm away. 

You can read many books and sources but it doesn’t mean you will understand the cards. You cannot read the cards mechanically. Keywords are helpful at the beginning but after a while you have to leave them behind and use your intuition. 

99% of the tarot readers have difficulty with Court Cards. Those are basically people on the cards, doing very little. Some readers read them only as a person, some of them read them as an influence. Just because there is a man on the cards this doesn't mean it represents a male in your life. So it’s hard. 

One exercise which is fun and you can make it easier  is that you try to pair them with people in your life. Do you have an impulsive brother who is flirty and rushing things? Knight of Wands. Do you have a mean female boss, who is gossiping and bitching? Queen of Swords rx.  Of course, this is very basic, but it could help and it is fun.

If you don’t want to use your family or acquaintances, use tv series instead. I think Game of Thrones is amazing for this. It has so many different characters. Many of them are even changing. Jon Snow went from Knight to King, Arya from page to Knight, Sansa from Page to Knight, from Knight to Queen.

The second type of exercise is similar just with the minors. Choose a movie and try to tell the story with the minors. People met, fell in love, getting married, broke up, fighting over money during the divorce etc. All in the cards. 

Pulling a card daily is amazing in every way. People recommend doing this in the morning, however I like to do this at the evening. Firstly, because I am a night owl, mornings are painful for me and I don’t have time in the mornings. But the most inportant reason is because I can be anxious and easily stressed out. If I pull the Death at the mornig I will stressing out the whole day. However if I pull this at the evening as a summary of my day maybe I will realise immediately, “oh, my favourite tv show was cancelled, bummer.” or “ I have a new teamleader at work or school, so this is a new cycle for us” I think this gives you a bigger and clearer understanding how those cards are fit into your daily life and what are they meaning for you personally. 

When you choose to do any kind of divination it’s crucial to protect your energies. So it’s inevitable to start meditating. The other two practices which I highly highly recommend are called Grounding and Circle Casting. Don’t be scared, those are just higher forms of meditation that help you to keep the balance, but those are also a must if you decide to do another type of Energy Work, for example of Energy Manipulation. I will link an excellent video about it. This YT is also an amazing resource if you are interested in Wicca. You don’t have to! This channel is amazing anyway. Personally, I am not a Wiccan either as I am not celebrating Wiccan sabbats like Beltane or Imbolc, but I love this channel so so much.

*I cannot link the video becuse she’s blocked this option but this is her site. Go and check her  Centering and Grounding ║ Witchcraft 101 video, it was uploaded on July 10th in 2019 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFz0Rtv2bh86aUy_5_YsGLw

There will be a point when someone wants to scare you that tarot, divination and spirituality are evil. It is not. Tarot is a piece of paper with pictures on it. It’s not deviant or anything. The cards have no intentions or consciousness, they are just cardstock. Not bad or good. What can make it harmful is the unethical people. Someone who wants to bribe you to pay a big amount of money because “you are cursed” or is someone trying to manipulate the readings to scare you or make you do something. If your intentions are good, have a moral and you protect your energy, you don’t have to be afraid. 

In my experience usually people who are heavily involved in churches or Christianity try to push that the tarot and spirituality are evil. Of course not all of them, I know many professional tarot readers who are also Christian, love Jesus etc. 

What you should know and maybe this could give you a little comfort or calm that we are all spiritual beings. All of us are made of energy. We are so much more than flesh and blood and bones. Everyone is attracting or have spirits in their life even the most hardcore churchgoers have. You are not bad or evil just because you use divination. Always your intention is important and that you seek the light side of spiritualism. 

I hope you liked this post, it becomes my baby and I am really proud of it and I hope you will find it useful or interesting. In the forseeable future I am not planning anyithing similar but I am open to questions as always. Maybe I will have an answer.  

Be Blessed.

#tarot #pmitarotreadings

[guiltysecretpasttime]

Adversity - 13-A

Fanfic update

I’ve decided to utilize this tumblr space to put in WIPs/partial chapters/unedited stories from my end. Then I’ll post it somewhere in Ao3 or FF.net. Maybe.

 In the meantime, here’s an installment of Adversity (the chapters here in tumblr aren’t updated – it would make much more sense if you check it out on Ao3 first before coming back here). In essence this is part of Chapter 13.

Keen to hear what you think about this portion :)

-

Adversity details

Multi-chapter, work in progress, AU, pre-LoK,

Latest status: up to Chapter 12 uploaded in A03

Blurb: Lin and Tenzin are both at the height of their respective     careers – she with the Metalbending Police and he with the Air Nation.     Questions about their future begin to arise and things come to a head when     Lin responded to an emergency call. Would her job take them from each     other forever? Eventual happy ending. Alternatively: The one where Lin and     Tenzin had to go through adversity like Lin’s dangerous job, a near-death     experience, temporary separation and memory loss, unplanned pregnancy and     Tenzin’s responsibilities before they end up with a family.

Tumblr chapters 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Ao3 link |   Ff.net link

---

Adversity – 13-A

 Tenzin clutches a warm towel and wipes it across her forehead. He did not know why and if it would help but he thought it might make her feel better.

Her chest rose and fell with each breath, no longer laborious or irregular. Nonetheless, he kept vigil and held one of her hands. It reminded him of incidents in the past years where he kept watch over her – that night in the Fire Nation Royal Compound when they first found her alive, those nights after missions that might have gone fatally wrong…

The day had started promising. But as always with the two of them, it never was easy…

Once he had the cabana in his view, he should have known that Izumi would have pulled something like this.

---

Tenzin received a message from one of the staff that the princess requested for lunch to be served at one of the beach cabanas. He did not think much about it; it has happened before and figured that maybe Izumi was being a good host.

There was only one person else in the cabana – Lin, who was looking puzzled and was frowning at something on the table.

His feet hit the sand and the earthbender turned to him. “Oh, it’s you.” She looked at him incredulously.

“Sorry to disappoint.” He deadpanned, seating across her. He did not ask questions, assuming that she was led to the cabana using the same ruse.

"I had no idea that you were the man that Izumi said that I'll be meeting for lunch." Lin flicked a note towards him. “Why is she doing this? I found that upon arriving here.”

He caught the paper that slid on the table.

It was in Izumi’s handwriting – informing Lin to please consider (consider – the word was underlined heavily, the insinuation not lost to the reader) this man that she has invited for her. And that they would be left to their own devices as the princess has taken the entire family off for a scenic tour of the island on Druk, Appa and Oogi.

Trust that Izumi would have connived with the rest of the family to pull something like this off.

Tenzin felt the need to apologize for their meddling family and did just that.

Lin shrugged, seemingly uninterested. “Is this supposed to be a test?”

“A test?” What does she mean?

“For me – or for you?” Lin asked back.

“Like for your memory?” To the airbender, it seemed like they were having a different conversation.

The earthbender looked vaguely uncomfortable now, hand lightly patting her belly. “Um no – I mean, for you – is Izumi…?” She trailed off.

For the life of him, Tenzin could not think of what the continuation was.

“Your partner?” Lin finally asked.

What.

“No!” Tenzin’s voice rose, surprised by the question that he did not even consider that the response might have sounded rude. “Of course not!”

“Don’t you protest too much?” Lin was amused. “It’s fine really – or is it a matter of security?” She was being nonchalant about it though Tenzin could have sworn there was a tiny bit of relief in her voice.

“What. No – it’s not like that.” Tenzin had to disabuse her of this ludicrous idea she had. “They’re all just meddling – they mean well – look, Izumi – she’s not my type -!”

Now you just sounded like a whiny teenager.

He cleared his throat and tugged at his collar. “Well, seems like they’re setting us up.”

“Whatever for,” She rolled her eyes then grinned. “Let’s not waste the food then.”

He found himself chuckling at that as Lin proceeded to scoop some food on her plate. “Joke’s on them though.”

Lin’s only response was a raised eyebrow.

“I actually intend to ask you out for dinner today.”

She paused and left her chopstick hanging in the air. “Dinner.”

He wet his dry lips. “Yes.”

“I take it you haven’t told them yet?” Lin examined the other dishes available to them. “What time do we need to get ready or we don’t know yet, depending on how soon they get back?”

Tenzin held the back of his neck as the heat crept up. “I mean, dinner – just us, you and me?”

As much as he did not want to admit, maybe Bumi was right – he did not have game.

Lin’s face was unreadable.

He was able to back-pedal when he heard it.

“Okay.”

 ---

The rest of their lunch went a smoother.

They talked about the mundane things – he talked about Republic City, she talked about the Fire Nation. She asked about what he does in the council and how the RCPD was when they left. He was more than happy to oblige and took the time to answer her questions in great detail.

Before long, when she declared that she felt too full for dessert, he invited her to walk along the shore. He pointed out a cluster of rock formations at the edge of the island.

Lin looked intrigued and they set forth.

He explained that Lord Zuko had told them when they were children that the rocks were formed when the volcano used to be active. It made for an impressive sight, tall and a bit forbidding.

That did not stop them though, Tenzin shared, as they would keep going back there to play when they were younger.

They stood beside the rocks, sandals soaked by the sea, small waves lapping at their legs.

He was in the middle of a retelling of the time Bumi had dared Su to race him to the top (not knowing that the kid can earthbend really well by then) when rather large wave crashed against the rock formation, spraying and drenching them with salt water.

He was laughing, saying he probably should have warned that that usually happens. His eyes alighted on her and was caught mid-laugh.

Lin stood stiffly, her eyes wild. One hand on her cheek (her scars), another on her chest - breathing erratically gulping air.

“Lin!” He immediately held her by the shoulders; she was shaking. “Lin!”

A panic attack.

Each breath rattled against chest as she started blankly, unseeing. Lin was insensible to her surroundings.

Tenzin scooped her up and ran as it all clicked.

Captain Tomasu did say that they had found Lin in the water.

Damn.

The minutes it took him to the rest house felt like hours. With the family away on whatever excursion Izumi and Iroh planned, he had to rely on the staff to come to their aid. Fortunately, the in-house healer was at hand.

The rest was a blur.

 He felt the moment she regained consciousness. Her breathing shifted yet her eyes remained close.

Tenzin continued to run his fingers on her knuckles, whether to comfort her or himself was unclear.

Lin blinked slowly, her breathing sped up. Her hand quickly slapped to her cheek, tracing the scar with shaking fingers.

The airbender could hear her murmuring softly.

“My name is Lin. I’m in Ember Island. I’m okay. I’m safe. We’re -.” Her eyes focused and saw Tenzin at the periphery. “The baby?”

Tenzin leaned forward, grasping both of her hands and placing them on her stomach. “Is okay. You’re both okay – I had you both checked. You just had a little panic attack.”

There was no use alarming her.

“Panic attack…” She whispered to herself. “I used to black out before…”

“I’m sorry,” Tenzin said quietly. “I should have paid more attention to you.”

“You couldn’t have known.” Lin said in an equally soft tone. To his astonishment, she pulled his hand up to her cheek and leaned on it. “You couldn’t have done anything.”

He extended his fingers, gingerly touching her cheek. There were still times in the past weeks when he could not believe that she was here and she was alive. Little touches like these were rare and he savored the moments to remind himself that she was truly there.

“The rice granary,” Lin began, staring at the ceiling, actively avoiding Tenzin’s gaze. “It exploded, you know, the man – the firebender –.”

The airbender waited, this was in the papers and the reports that he was very familiar with.

“He knew what he was doing,” Lin held on his fingers tightly. “He saw me and he set fire – I fell to the water. I felt like drowning – maybe I did.” Tenzin gripped her hand back. “It was really hot and there was a lot of metal scraps. I remember sinking and maybe removing my armor…” Her face scrunched, obviously thinking. “The current was fast, rapidly swept me away – it was so cold. I thought I was going to die.” She resolutely focused on the ceiling when she heard Tenzin’s gasp. “I don’t know how long it was – it was dark, then there was light. My lungs – they burned so bad. Next thing I knew – I was aboard Captain Tomasu’s ship.”

Tenzin’s own breath caught.

Could it be… her memories have returned?

“Don’t force it.” He rubbed her wrist back and forth, hoping to sooth her.

“It’s still blank.” Her face was troubled and eyes were shiny with unshed tears. “I don’t remember what happened before the explosion.”

Feeling her get distressed, Tenzin moved closer to tuck her hair behind her ear. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m Lin Beifong, my mother is Toph – we grew up together in Republic City.” She now turned to him. “I live in Republic City now…”

His stomach churned. “What’s the last thing you remember from before?” He asked cautiously, afraid of triggering something.

“I’m deputy chief, I think.” She racked her brains. “There’s this small apartment. I think I live there.”

Tenzin swallowed. This was from a time before they lived together, when they were still exploring their relationship.

“I’m not losing it, am I? That really happened?” Her green eyes wide, seeing reassurance.

He nodded, still silently contemplating what this meant.

“After that – it’s blank.” She released a breath. “Did something significant happen during that missing period?”

“You got promoted to Chief of Police.”

“Maybe that’s it…something to do with work.” Lin guessed absentmindedly, biting her lip.

He added tentatively. “We’ve also decided to move in together.”

The way she looked at him now – it was as if she was seeing him for the first time.

“You’re the father.” She stated it so plaintively with a hint of caution.

“That’s the first time you’ve told me that.” Tenzin attempted to downplay the significance of the revelation. “Don’t worry about it – you probably didn’t know you were pregnant back then before –.” He waved a hand around, at a loss for words on how to explain the situation.

“You’re not even questioning it?” Her voice was tight and her posture tense.

“Not at all.”

She finally let tears flow.

 ---

He embraced her, murmuring reassurances that he will be there for her and the child. He will be involved.

But somehow – there was still that gap in her memory. She was missing something crucial, she can feel it - it was about the Air Nation. The gut feel was of hesitation and wariness. What was it about?

She had talked to Aang the previous days and there were no mentions of issues with the Air Nation.

Maybe it had something to do with crime? With her promotion as Chief of Police?

If only her mother were around… Maybe she could help her piece her memory together.

Lin pulled back from the airbender, who suddenly looked at her with apprehension.

“What happens now – what if I don’t remember?” Now that she had part of her memories back – she hated the feeling of uncertainty.

“We’ll take it one day at a time.” Tenzin inched closer to her, gently cupping her face in his hands, wiping her tears. “Just know that you’re never alone.”

The sincerity in his eyes was enough for her. She did not even need to employ her seismic sense to know he was telling the truth.

She closed her eyes as he moved. She felt his lips on her forehead.

The airbender sat back down, a soft smile on his face.

She looked at their entwined fingers.

She will take this chance.

This was for her child. All for their child. And it will be enough.

#linzin #linzin fanfic #toccatina's fanfics #toccatina wip #toccatina adversity #lin beifong #tenzin #legend of korra fanfic

[vydante]

Restart | 12

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Avengers x Male! Reader (romantically: multiple)

A/N: Missed y'all. I don't think I'm officially off of my hiatus, but I somehow managed to pull a chapter out of my ass after months of radio silence. I really did back myself into a corner with the last chapter, but hey, this is my story and I get to pace it however I want.

Sorry if things are worded weirdly, I'm writing them but they're going through one ear and out the other when it comes to comprehending what I actually wrote. No one will remember what happened, but that's okay. God, I really need a beta-reader... Anyways. Love y'all. XOXO.

Also, sorry if any of the formattings seems off. HTML doesn't really translate well over certain sites. (Tumblr, Quotev, Wattpad, and AO3 are now my main places for posting my works. Anywhere else, that's not me nor was it permitted by me.)

If you want a recap: You're in the process of jumpstarting Project Renaissance after realizing that you've just been doing basically nothing ever since you woke up in your old body. You've also taken to making video logs to report down your progress, and in the last chapter (that was in the POV of multiple video logs), it ended on a cliffhanger with Barnes being discovered and moved to a safe house.

This chapter takes place roughly after the last one. 

If you're currently binge reading this story, this recap is only because last chapter was updated... Roughly more than 7 months before this chapter. So. Yeah. :D

Oh, and let's pretend that either A. Barnes doesn't have a tracking chip in his arm OR B. he did, but you got it out during the whole rescue-escapade. That's my bad, I straight up forgot about that possibility until I was like, close to 4000 words deep into this chapter. Now we're at roughly 8k+... Hehe. Whoops.

_______

You're not gonna call Barnes, Bucky.

There's a personal touch to the nickname that bothers you. How awful it sounds in your ears, to call the former husk of a man a name he no longer recognizes. There's history to that name, both on writing and in memory, though only in sparsity. Plus, it'll be difficult for you to associate Bucky to Barnes. A man with an identity to a man without.

So after the whole debacle of getting him out of the mini-Hulk playbox and into decent dry clothing, when he asks what his name is, you quietly debated to yourself what to tell him.

"... Your name is James Buchanan Barnes," you'd eventually reply.

He doesn't comment on the resignation in your tone, but you're confident that he certainly noticed it- surely, the ticks of being the Winter Soldier was still there, no matter how disoriented he must be. But whether courtesy was something that he hadn't forgotten whilst his brain was refried over and over like leftover KFC wings or he was simply too exhausted to ask, you didn't care.

Granted, for a man who should have a lot of questions on his mind, he's definitely proven himself to be a man of very few words.

An hour goes by, and in the midst of you trying your best to build a solid standing between the two of you, he's said so few words that you could probably count all of them on both of your hands.

If it weren't for the nods of affirmation, you'd think that his averted gaze from you would have meant that he wasn't paying attention at all, but honestly, you knew better than to judge him for that if he actually wasn't actually listening in the first place.

Hell, he could tear up the walls to the high heavens and you still wouldn't hold him against it, so you were just thankful that he was so docile, for someone who could snap your neck if he felt so inclined.

Though, as it turns out confusion and disorientation wasn't the actual reason why he was being so docile, you belatedly realize as you're stood in front of a blank-faced Barnes. You're in the middle of trying to give him a basic tour around the house when he quietly interrupted your monologuing.

"Mission parameters," you echoed his words, though mainly to yourself. He nods, and for once meets your eyes. There's neither confidence nor surrender in his eyes, and that makes your stomach churn. Chances are, he probably saw nothing wrong with asking such a thing.

"You want me to give you- mission parameters. Like- like your handlers would?" You laughed incredulously, but the humor was replaced with subdued hysterical horror.

You were aware of what they were. Aware of the types of hunts his Handlers- bastards- would sick him out on. Aware of what he did without a second thought. You saw those files, if only briefly. That was more than enough for you to see the type of expectations that came alongside "mission parameters".

He nods as if you were stating the obvious.

God.

You opened and closed your mouth, and for a split second, once you got past the horror of being asked to tell him what to do, a subtle realization crawled up your spine. In the midst of your impromptu introduction and briefing, you never really made a distinction as to what role you were supposed to play in all of this.

So it shouldn't be a surprise for Barnes to assume that you're his new- what? Handler? Caretaker? After all, as far as you can assume, that's probably all he knows; all he was conditioned to grow accustomed to, to expect his every move to be dictated by some outsider with no care to the wants or needs that Barnes has.

(Hell, if you were to make a reach right now, maybe Barnes thinks he doesn't have wants or needs. That he shouldn't.)

(In the background, a part of you simmer in silence.)

With your jaw clenched, you make an effort to make your voice as even as can be when you ask him, "You don't need mission parameters, Barnes. You're your own free man. You can- can make decisions on your own. You don't need me to tell you what you need to do."

Pray as you might, there's something about realizing that you said the wrong thing right after saying said words that make you wonder what you did to anger the higher powers that be to put yourself in the situation you're in right now.

Barnes doesn't say anything, but his eyes says it all. Confusion. Realization. Grief. Detachment. His metal hand clenches, and you're man enough to admit that it made your heart stutter in fear.

"I...", he mutters, "... don't understand."

You swallowed.

This...

This is gonna be tough.

_______

It's difficult to explain what self-autonomy and freedom meant to a man who is only capable of remembering being chained and held on a leash like a rabid dog.

Thankfully, it was your winter break, so you had a manageable excuse for being away from "home" for a few days, but you only had so long to try and establish to Barnes that you're not going to be able to be there with him as often as you are now (and even then, the time frame was too small to even make any sense of attachment).

You knew for sure you couldn't always be there for Barnes, so one thing was certain: he had to meet DAHLIA. And thankfully, since the whole safe house was yours, not even your father knew that DAHLIA, your own A.I., would be uploaded into the houses' built-in hardware.

(While the hardware was built with the intention of housing J.A.R.V.I.S. there as a standard, he ended up "moving out" the moment that the house became yours. Something about "not intruding on a teenager's privacy", but you're more than thankful for Tony's afterthought, even if you did end up taking slight advantage of his consideration.)

And surprisingly enough, Barnes wasn't really bothered by the concept of DAHLIA as much as you had initially expected. Of course, he didn't really talk to her, but it wasn't like he talked much in the first place.

(On a side note, it looks like DAHLIA seems to like the house, all things considered... So there's that.)

(The original DAHLIA was never installed here, instead she ended up "living" in a retirement house of sorts in a wooded area of New York. She never said anything about the house, so it's... Kind of endearing, to see that she actually might prefer this house instead. And mildly insulting, considering you personally decorated the other house.)

You ended up spending nearly the whole night trying to establish even the most basic of guidelines: use the bathroom whenever he needed to (you initially said phrased it as "wanted", but he promptly cut you off saying "The Asset does not have wants," which, rude, but also sad); whatever is in the kitchen is available for him to eat whenever, where ever; basic hygiene; and the most important one- if he had any questions, his first source would be you. And on the off-chance that you're not available, DAHLIA is always online and ready to help.

He gave a tentative nod, but you're somehow not confident that he might have interpreted it wrong. You're hoping he doesn't do anything to prove you right.

"Alright. So. Any questions?"

He stares at you for a beat too long before shaking his head.

He's still giving non-verbal answers for the most part, but it's better than nothing. You internally sighed and motioned him to follow you deeper into the safe house.

Considering that it was already pretty late by the time you managed to beat those guidelines into his head (maybe that should be worded better, but you never claimed to be a lyricist; it is what it is), he might be just as tired as you are from how long the day has been.

(Granted, this dude has been "asleep" for who knows how long, but it's the thought that counts.)

"You know where I'm taking you to?" you asked, not really expecting an answer from him.

"No," he responds from behind you. Color you surprised.

You turned into the hallway and stepped up to an unassuming door. You opened it to reveal an equally unassuming bedroom. Muted colors, modern design; it reeked Pepper's doing, knowing that Tony isn't as decoratively-inclined as she is.

Hah, bet she didn't expect that instead of housing you or your dad, it'll go to a super-solder that wasn't Steve instead.

(Not that Steve would ever have a reason to step foot in here, but in this line of work, you'd be stupid to be 100% sure about something.)

You motioned him to come into the room and tilted your head to the bed.

"This is your bedroom, pretty much where you'll be sleeping. There's a bathroom right over there," you motioned to the door adjacent to the entrance door, "and I'll be in the room right next to yours."

Barnes takes a second to process it all, and with a quick scan of the room with calculating eyes, he nods. You absentmindedly scratched the back of your neck.

"I mean, there's plenty of rooms here so if you don't like this one, just let me know and we'll probably move you to another room-" you rambled, secretly trying to get a move on so you'd finally get some shut-eye.

(What? You're not perfect, sleep is heavily slept on in this day and age. Hah.)

(God, you're definitely going to hell.)

"-and you know how to use a toilet, right?"

The raised eyebrow pointed at you definitely proves that that was a pretty stupid question, but hey, you can't take any chances. You shrugged, a tired smirk threatening to form on your lips.

"Well then. Can I leave it to you to settle down for the night, or...?" you left it open-ended.

He didn't say anything in response, only stared at the bed in front of him. There was a pregnant pause, but he nodded at you. There was a strange tilt to his eyes, but you didn't bother to think further into it as you were just thankful that you could finally rest.

"Well then, good night Barnes. I'll come by tomorrow morning and we'll continue to, er," you thought about it, "work, on your situation."

You made a swift exit out of his room and immediately into "your" room, which was literally right next to his. You immediately discarded your clothes and with a brisk shower and teeth brushing, you promptly dropped straight onto the bed with an audible grunt, wet hair soaking straight into the pillow.

Pulling the plush duvet to cover your body, you reached for your phone to check for any messages you might have gotten.

(3 from Tony; he asked where you were. You told him that you're staying at a safe house and that you needed a small break. It wasn't wrong, but definitely an omission of truth. A few days would be fine, right?)

(2 from Rhodey; it's a picture of a Goodwill's, and there's a silhouette in a nearby window of some guy. "This you?" he asks. "No ❤️," you sent back.)

(63 is from the group chat that the Avengers are in- ah, make that 64 and counting. It's just a bunch of nonsense from what you can gather, but you briefly scrolled through it anyways.)

Turning your phone off, you smushed your face into the pillow and sighed, a terrible knot forming at the pit of your stomach. With an open ear, you tried to hear any noise that could come from Barnes' room, but considering that the walls were reinforced and he was already quiet as it is, all you could hear was the AC running in the background.

"DAHLIA," you huffed, eyes drooping, "keep an eye on him, wake me up if anything happens."

"Got it," her voice echoes from the ceiling speakers.

You quietly tucked yourself in bed. As the exhaustion finally started settling in your body, the last thought that lingered in your head was "Man, I hope nothing bad happens tomorrow," before you drifted right off to dreamless slumber.

_______

The next day was, to say the least, a little disconcerting, but a bigger improvement to be sure.

Right after waking up, you begrudgingly put on some daytime appropriate clothes and stepped out into the hallway. You knocked on the door that was right next to yours, and gingerly opened it when you didn't hear much of a response.

"Good morning," you tentatively greeted. Barnes was sitting at the foot of the bed when you knocked on his door. He mumbled back a greeting and stands up to your eye level.

His clothes are still the same from last night, and judging by the clean state of his bed, he either woke up earlier than you expected or he was sat like that the whole night.

You're not too keen on finding out which was the case, but you had to.

"Sleep well?"

You stepped out of the doorway and motioned him to follow you. Briefly glancing down at your phone to see just a few messages waiting for you, you opted to ignore them for now.

"I slept."

He quietly stated from behind you. He avoided saying if he slept well or not, but at least the damn Terminator slept. You mentally deflated a little; the bar was set so low for him, you're not too sure who it's more insulting to- you or him.

(Of course, it's to him, that shouldn't be a question. Your feelings don't matter.)

"We're gonna have to wing this a little, but uh, here's the general gist of what's gonna happen."

Stepping into the kitchen, you're taken aback to last night as he tentatively stands across from you from the kitchen island. Really, you'd opt to go to the living room, but you both radiate too much nervous energy to really sit.

You opened the refrigerator and sighed when all that greeted you was water and non-perishables. Right. You just got here, it's not like there's gonna be freshly stocked food in here 24/7.

"DAHLIA, order some fresh food and get it delivered today. Charge it on my debit," you mumbled quietly.

DAHLIA doesn't say anything, but the refrigerator lights flicker a familiar green hue that keys you in that she heard you. You raised an impressed eyebrow; what an unnecessary feature for a refrigerator to have. You closed the door and turned around to face Barnes.

"I'm here to serve as, say, a guide for," you gestured to him, "your... rehabilitation, of sorts."

"For now, I can't really offer any... Professional help, on a technical level. I'm not- that's not my area of expertise. I'm an engineer at heart," actually, you really liked other things more than being an engineer, but your fate of becoming the CEO of SI was sealed the moment you decided to live with your dad, "so we're going to have to make a compromise on that."

You shook your head.

"If you were anyone else, I'd point you to a shrink," Barnes gives you a confused stare.

"Therapist," you clarified. He nods.

"But quite frankly," Zemo's face flashes in your memory, "I don't trust anyone to properly... Well, I don't trust anyone when it comes to the mental health of you, and the Avengers too, of course."

Pausing mid-rant, you raised an eyebrow at him.

"You... do know who the Avengers are, right?"

He nods and begins to rattle off a pre-scripted monologue. His eyes are blank as he started speaking.

"A group of top priority, compromised of highly skilled individuals, enhanced or otherwise specified. Threat priority ranges from 5 to 9. As of now, 6 active-duty members and 1 reserve member. The Asset is to not engage under any circumstance and reveal-"

"Alright alright, I get it- that's," you're a little offended that you're considered a "reserve member", but that's not technically wrong, "That's a lot to unpack there, but yeah. You- whew, you definitely know who the- we are."

(You've gotten into the habit of distancing yourself from the Avengers the moment that you had become CEO. You're still working on that, but the word "we" still feels wrong on your tongue.)

There's a little more life that came back to Barnes' eyes after you had snapped him out of it, and it's a bit surreal knowing that Barnes just kinda... runs on autopilot when prompted. The image of Barnes being strapped down in a chair and forced to learn and recite those kinds of things by heart is both horrifying and a little funny.

(Do you think they had a set curriculum he had to learn by?)

"So yeah. The Avengers gotta be careful when lookin' for shrinks, and so do you. There's just too many factors that go into gettin' a personal therapist. So for now," you shrugged, "you're stuck with me."

"What are they?"

"Hm?"

"The factors."

You shrugged.

"Well, for starters, you're- you were, HYDRA's prisoner," the muscle around his jaw visibly clenches when you mentioned HYDRA, but you powered through, "so they'll definitely be interested in getting their fight dog back. They're good at blending in and good at getting their musty little fingers into every nook and cranny. I wouldn't put it past them to have one of their agents go undercover as a therapist for hire. So that's one factor: trying to discern who is and isn't HYDRA."

You raised a finger.

"Then there's the fact that because you're such a... shall we say, top priority, er, asset," that word runs bitter on your tongue, "even if your shrink isn't HYDRA, they'll definitely be targeted by HYDRA if it ever came to light that they have a direct link to you. So there's reason number two: loose ends, and the risks that come with it."

You raised another finger. By now, Barnes has a hard but contemplative curl to his lips.

"And then not to mention how unique your case it. Barnes, you've been a POW for decades. Your brain- no offense buddy, but from what I can tell, it's been fried to hell and back. I don't even have to do any fancy brain scans to know. And that's not even including all the other stuff they probably did to you, only God knows."

You shook your head.

"There's too much at risk for you to get proper therapy right now. But. It's not impossible."

You think back to Shuri, and how she and the other Wakandan scientists were successful in both removing the trigger words and rehabilitating Barnes.

Well, you're not sure about the last part, since you never interacted with the Barnes of your time, but you'd assume that they did help with his subsequent mental health. You wouldn't really put it past them- T'Challa was a nice guy, from your limited interactions with him way into the future, and Shuri was buzzing with ideas and energy. If T'Challa's sympathy for Barnes wasn't enough, then Shuri's crave to help and experiment would supplement the balance plenty. Vice versa, too.

So yeah, future-Barnes' mental health was most likely addressed during his time in Wakanda. And it was almost guaranteed to have been a success.

So you're still gonna hold a torch for the possibility that Barnes' can come out of this as a relatively well-adjusted guy.

Not to mention B.A.R.F. As far as you know, the R&D team assigned to that was still progressing smoothly, but the only downside to that was that it wasn't going to be until a few more years before it's "perfected".

You were never really involved in any way with B.A.R.F. since you were both prepping for SI and finishing college. Your dad was definitely more involved in it than you were, but it's not like you could ask him to pull a few year's worths of experimentation and knowledge out of his ass and exponentially boost the rate of B.A.R.F.'s progress, so.

Helen Cho suddenly sprang to mind, but you quickly threw away that thought. Your- well, Barnes'- issue was neurological, Cho was all about cell regeneration and is a geneticist. So unless somehow the issue crosses over with Cho's line of work, she wasn't a possibility either. There was also Strange, but as far as you've heard the man was pretty... abrasive, even as a wizard. Hard to get a hold of, and very... Hard-headed.

Well, all of that was second hand since it came from Tony, but still. Maybe you could pull Tony in for some clout, but that'll just make him suspicious. God, maybe you shouldn't have kept the whole "I'm actually from the future" spiel a secret, otherwise you wouldn't have to be doing all this crap alone.

Oh well. In for a penny, out for a pound.

You sighed, already feeling the dull thump against your skull starting to form.

"So what now?" Barnes asks. He's less tentative than he was last night, but still soft-spoken when he talks.

"Well, you're stuck with me, bud. I'll do my best to get you prepped for the actual rehabilitation, but honestly, that might take a little longer than you'd expect. So, we'll just- well."

You eyed the outfit he was donning, which was literally your clothes- so it was a few sizes too small for him. He doesn't really seem bothered by it, and if it weren't for the fact that he's sort of proved himself to be neglectful of voicing his own preferences, you'd be a little more inclined to appreciate the view of one very, very beefy super-soldier.

But alas.

Life never really works in your favor, so.

"We'll need to get a few essential things out of the way. Food is already on its way, I assume you aren't allergic to anything?"

He pauses, and there goes that familiar glaze forming over his eyes. You sigh, knowing that he was probably searching through his mental "data-bases" for any allergies, but thankfully it's not long as he blinks back into attention.

"None."

"Yeah, I could'a figured, what with your super-soldier serum."

(You're pretty sure that also makes him immune to cancer, but maybe that's just you glorifying it.)

"So: the food situation is cleared. Now, we need to get you some new clothes because, uh, those don't look very comfortable."

"Comfort does not matter. I am adequately dressed."

You snorted. Maybe it's better that you don't tell Barnes that he's wearing a Sharknado tee and some sweats that have "Eat this!" printed on his behind.

(And maybe it's better that you didn't remember that yes, these are indeed still your clothes.)

"Comfort does matter, my guy. DAHLIA, take some quick measurements."

The kitchen light dims and brightens, shining lime green into the kitchen. It lingers and turns back into that white-blue that sometimes makes your eyes burn when you've been up for too late into the night.

"Seargent Barnes' measurements are now on file. You two want to see the available catalog?"

Right where the kitchen island was, a panel opens up to reveal a hologram of a bunch of articles of clothing, all of which has been adjusted to Barnes' size- or an approximate at least, since there's some that's labeled X or XL.

"Barnes? You got anything you want to do right now or...?"

You gestured to the hologram in front of you.

His face contorts a little, not too noticeable at a quick glance. He doesn't look uncomfortable per se, but judging by the downwards curl of his lips, he's definitely not excited to see the hologram.

You flicked your wrist and it disappeared just as quick as it appeared. Strangely enough, his expression doesn't loosen up as his eyes flicker upwards to yours.

"Hey, that's okay. If it's the hologram, that's no biggie, we'll just move over to the, uh, TV in the next room over. C'mon."

You jerked your head and motioned him to follow you. His face laxes and he walks behind you without a word.

_______

You two ended up getting a lot done all things considered.

Barnes seemed pretty bothered by how many clothing choices there are, but when you asked if he wanted you to just curate a list for him, he easily relented. He was hovering over you the whole time, but you weren't too bothered by it as you were too busy browsing for him.

You went from site to site searching for clothes that screamed "The Winter Soldier", but all that was coming up was clothes in fifty shades of black and with no pizzaz. You did pass by a few Avengers-related merch (especially yours), but he said nothing when you added two or three into your cart, so he probably doesn't care. You did show him a lot of clothes that you thought would fit him, and he nodded to pretty much all of them.

By the time you were done looking for clothes, the doorbell had rung.

("That was quick," you reminisced. DAHLIA was quick to respond.

"It came from a nearby Walmart."

"Huh.")

Barnes' head jerked as his eyes were trained on the entrance door. You patted his arm, and his eyes glance at you.

"Relax, it's just the food. DAHLIA ordered some groceries earlier."

You stood up to go answer the door, and Barnes followed suit. You raised an eyebrow at him, but he doesn't really seem like he's gonna back down anytime soon.

"You know... You can follow behind, but you're gonna have to be in the shadows or something 'cuz, you know... Just- if someone's still at the door, don't let them see you okay?"

He nods, almost mechanically so, and you turned around and walked to the entrance door.

Opening the door, you were greeted with a few big boxes. You raised an eyebrow and glanced out through the door; there are no cars nearby, and DAHLIA whispers in your ear that the clearing's safe- not a single life signature anywhere.

"Barnes, the coast's clear," you called out, already reaching down to grab one of the boxes. You grunt, adjusting your grip before you lifted and turned around.

Barnes, having already popped out of whatever dark corner he was in, is already a few feet behind you.

"Hey, you don't mind helping me bring in those boxes, will you?"

You were already walking past him, but you barely caught the briefest flash of furrowed eyebrows before you saw him walk over to the door. You mentally shrugged, but placed the box in the kitchen and went back over to the door to get the other one.

By the time you were done setting down the box, Barnes had already closed the door and was standing under the arch connecting the kitchen to the main hallway.

You motioned him over, and he complied.

"What is inside?"

You're almost proud that you didn't jump. He doesn't talk much, but when he does it always startles you.

"Groceries, but I don't know what specifically. DAHLIA chose all of it. And by the looks of it, she chose a lot. So. You're gonna help me unpack and we'll probably- well, I'll probably make some food. You can help if you want."

Your back was turned to him, and you started unloading the boxes and their contents. Barnes doesn't move for a hot moment, but he squats down next to you and starts unwrapping the smaller boxes that were inside it.

"You don't mind if I put on some music, right?"

You glanced at him.

"I... don't. Mind," he mumbles, tentatively glancing back at you. You gave him a brief thumbs up and turned your attention back to

"DAHLIA, play something chill. Low volume."

_______

Pretty much, the whole day consisted of unpacking all of the groceries that had been delivered. You ended up pausing, having gotten tired of being awake without food in your stomach, and made some food for the two of you.

You tried conversing with him, trying to get him to at least feel more comfortable, and it... kinda worked. There are a few touchy subjects that he doesn't really seem to like talking about (he doesn't really vocalize his discomfort, but his flinches, no matter how minute they were, spoke louder than words). HYDRA, obviously. Anything revolving the Avengers put him off as well, among other things.

Really, most of the eating consisted of small talk and eating noises, but at least some of the tension in his shoulders had lessened by the time that you two needed to get back to unpacking. Hell, by the time that was done, Barnes' clothes had arrived.

(Oh, the benefits of being insanely rich. Say it with me kids: Thank you, Tony!)

You're usually a little apprehensive about buying clothes online, but color you surprised when not only did all of them fit; Barnes didn't have a single problem with any of them.

"You like 'em?"

You whistled when Barnes came out of his bathroom, now back in your clothes that you had given him originally. He tried all of them on, and you ended up buying him so many clothes that a lot of time had passed by the time he was done. You just sat on his bed, slowly collecting all of the clothes and ripping off the tags, damned if he didn't like one of them; you'll just take it instead.

"They're adequate," he nodded. In his hand were the folded clothes (A camo tee and dark sweatpants), and he set them onto his bed with the other folded clothes.

"Did any of 'em uncomfortable? Too tight, any of the fabric feels wrong...?"

You left the question open-ended as you helped him dump it into a laundry bin. He doesn't respond right away as if he didn't hear you. His eyes flicker over to yours.

"... No. They- I..." the muscle under his eye spasms, "I liked them..."

You grinned, "Glad to hear that, guess we got lucky that none of these was a dud, huh?"

The ghost of a smile that was on his lips appeared briefly, but it was gone just as fast as it had appeared.

Really, that had basically been the peak of the day before things had started to mellow out a little bit. But that was okay, you took whatever it was that Barnes gave, and if it was just the smallest smile you've ever seen on a man, then so be it.

Afterward, the day somehow managed to blend together and pass along like an exhale. Not much happened, since you couldn't really- well, offer anything that could scientifically and medically help him. So you opted to just- try to get him up to date as much as possible.

Honestly, by the time that you had gotten through the first three decades (starting when he was born), it was already pretty late into the night.

(He had a lot of questions, and you really didn't blame him. Hell, most of the more personal information really came from DAHLIA, because as much as you sympathized with the man, you really didn't care to learn about his whole entire biography.

But, at least you answered most of the history related questions. If you had to go through a few history college classes back when you were in college, then you'll be damned if you didn't at least make an effort to learn and internalize them.)

Barnes didn't really show any signs of exhaustion if the casual leg bouncing wasn't enough, but you sure were pooped.

(What? Unlike your dad (and most of the Avengers) you actually had a normal internal clock. For the most part, anyway.)

"Well, as much as I liked talking about prehistoric times," you sounded sarcastic, but you actually did like it, "I gotta sleep, I don't run on super-soldier energy like you do bub."

You stood up, stretched, and saw that Barnes was now standing up as well.

"Should I...?"

Raising an eyebrow, you huffed in good nature, "Go to sleep? Yeah, probably. We're not done with the History101 crash course, and we'll probably be talking about other things tomorrow as well," especially about the fact that you're not gonna be at the safe house often soon, "so we both need the energy for that. So, go clean up and get some Z's, yeah?"

"Oh."

He looked a little lost but followed you back into your shared hallway. Stopping in your doorway, you turned your head to glance at Barnes.

"Good night, Barnes," you nodded, not waiting for a response as you headed into your room. It was quiet and almost inaudible, but you still heard it with your ears before you had closed the door shut.

"... Good night."

You stood in your room, a sudden wave of both exhaustion and dread flooding your body. You shook it off though; it was just the nervous jitters hitting you at an inopportune time.

But really, you trusted your guts almost as much as you trusted Tony.

So as you brushed your teeth and did your business in the bathroom, you tried to quell the anxiety that was building up in your chest.

"DAHLIA, keep an eye on him."

"Gotcha, doll."

You sighed, dropped onto your bed, and hoped that whatever it was that might happen, you'd be prepared for it.

_______

And lo and behold, it didn't even have to be the next morning before shit all hit the fan when DAHLIA wakes you up in the middle of the night (3 A.M., to be specific).

"-oll, wake up! Barnes is having a panic attack!"

It takes half a second to process the fear in DAHLIA's voice. It takes another to process her words.

Fuck.

Scrambling immediately out the bed, you thanked whatever higher being there is that you were sleeping with at least some sweatpants on as you booked it straight to your door and right through Barnes'.

(Maybe you should have joined the football team, because that would have been one wicked tackle. Ha, yeah right, you know nothing about football.)

The lights were on, most likely DAHLIA's doing, and his bedsheets were clearly mussed up. He's nowhere to be seen, so your eyes jump to the joined bathroom door, and lo and behold, there was light bleeding through the cracks.

You quickly approached the door and opened it, throwing away the worry that he might have been absolutely naked.

The good news was that he wasn't nude.

The bad news was that he was hunched over on the ground, right in front of the bathroom counter, and he's gripping his head so tightly you would have thought his skull would have caved in.

Terror shoots down your spine like a lightning bolt, and you immediately rushed to the curled over Barnes, adrenaline rushing through you as a million thoughts ran through your head.

"Barnes!"

He doesn't appear to hear you, groaning and panting as he further curled in on himself. His muscles spasm, hard, and you're at a loss at what to do. He's sickly pale, and the sheen on his skin makes you want to vomit. His panting is shallow, and if you weren't sure if the glint that shone in your eyes was the reflection off of the marble floors or a puddle of saliva coming from Barnes.

You're not sure if touching him right now is a good thing, but you'll be damned if he wasn't your responsibility now. You reach out to him, wrapping one arm around his hunched back and the other trying to pry at his wrists.

(Would you have touched him, if you didn't have the reassurance that DAHLIA has your back?)

(Shut up.)

Maybe you were tensing up for him to go all "Winter Soldier" mode on you, but he's the one that tenses, even more, when you touched him. Thankfully, he doesn't resist your pull as his arm is limp the moment you tried to pull it back, but it doesn't change the fact that he's shaking, badly, and your mind is frozen in limbo.

"DAHLIA, what-"

You're at a loss for words, but DAHLIA, sweet DAHLIA already knows what you were about to ask.

"Sergeant Barnes was displaying elevated levels of anxiety, however, it did not seem to warrant any mentions. I thought-"

She cuts herself off, almost as if she was worried that she had made a wrong call. You swallowed, knowing that despite being a baby A.I., she's never done wrong by you- both in the future and now.

"You thought what?"

You try to rub Barnes' back as if he was a dog that had needed soothing. He groans, but you're not sure if you should interpret that as a hurt groan or a relieved one. You paused and moved your hand away, hovering it just inches away from his back, and his breath hitches.

Your hand dropped onto his back once again, and you could feel the muscles on his muscles spasm a little; his whimpers aren't as loud and painful (though, they're still more than worrying).

So, on the very small bright side, back rubs don't seem to be hurting him either. It's a small win, but a win for sure.

"You- my visuals were clear in the conclusion that you saw it. His discomfort. Your body language and expression acknowledged it but you refrained from addressing it. I- acted under the assumption that it was all under control..."

Something in your mind pauses for a pregnant second before your eyes widened.

"What?"

DAHLIA doesn't even get the chance to reply as Barnes jerks his hands away from yours and pulls at his scalp again. You lurched forward.

"Hey! No!"

You bit back a growl as you grabbed his wrists once again. You yank them back down to his sides as his body jolts, a sob ripping through him. You placed a hand on his chest and tried to boost him back up so he'll have his back against the bathtub that's behind him.

He offers little to no resistance as his back makes contact with the bathtub, but he's slumped into himself. He pulls his knees forward and curls his head into them. For a super-soldier, it's almost cute how hard he's trying to take up as little space as possible if it weren't for the fact that your heart was absolutely breaking at the sight of him.

"Oh, Barnes..."

In shuddered breaths, he mumbles something incoherent.

"...-an't, I- I- I-.... -can't..."

He shakes his head, jolting as if someone had shocked him. You rubbed his arm, glancing down at what you can now confirm to be a puddle of saliva, and then over to the trash can right next to the toilet. You're not too sure if you should get it just in case he decides to vomit, but you're ready to lunge for it the moment Barnes shows any signs of gagging.

"DAHLIA," you spoke at a lower volume, "what- when was he, um, uncomfortable."

"Two nights ago, roughly 22:00, when you told Sargeant Barnes that he was his own free man. Yesterday morning, 08:00, when you asked if he wanted to do anything prior to browsing the available clothing catalog. Right after, he was also discomforted by the catalog, before you offered to buy clothes for him. At-"

"That's- that's enough," you breathlessly muttered. DAHLIA doesn't say anything else, but the air has suddenly become heavier than you remembered.

Your head was almost dizzy with not only how many instances Barnes had been anxious in such a short time, but also at how you remembered each and every instance with startling clarity.

Barnes was anxious at the idea of freedom, but you put it off and opted to just give him a nickel tour of the house.

Barnes was anxious when you asked if he wanted to do anything before looking at clothes, but looked too relieved when you brushed over it.

Barnes was anxious at the idea of shopping for fucking clothes but was okay after you took over for him.

The taste of stomach acid burned your tongue, as yesterday's dinner threaten to rise at the implication of all of this.

"DAHLIA," you mumbled, "the- the rest of those instances- do they..."

You trained your eyes on Barnes.

"Do they all- follow the same... The same- pattern?"

DAHLIA was always in tune with you, even after the time jump.

"... Yes," she lamented.

"God..."

Now, you're not sure who that trash can would be really for; you or Barnes.

"Barnes..."

You murmured quietly. He flinches, and his shaking hasn't gotten any better.

"What- what was it? Was it- was it all too much? God, I'm so sorry, it probably was, wasn't it? I should have- fuck, I should have taken it more slowly, I-"

Barnes shakes his head, stopping you in your rambling. You blinked rapidly.

"Then- was it..." you paused, "... Was it the choices?"

It's almost expected that he doesn't answer you straight away, but he nodded anyway.

"I... It was- it was too much- I couldn't- I don't know- I-"

His breath shuddered with each word as if it hurt him to just even speak right now. You shushed him, ignoring the intrusive thought that it was akin to shushing an animal.

"Hey, hey, it's- it's okay. You'll be okay."

It's not much, what you're saying to him, and it's no surprise that they didn't do much anyway.

Honestly, you didn't know what to say at this point. There didn't even seem to be any phrasing in the known English language that would be able to comfort a man with as much baggage on his shoulders as Barnes, and briefly, just briefly, you wished that you were literally anywhere in the world, but here.

You tried thinking about anything that came from your (albeit limited) interactions with him between the past days that would help ground him, before something jolts you from deep within.

("What are my mission parameters," Barnes asked from behind you.

You paused.

"Mission parameters?")

You didn't even realize that you had said that out loud, but Barnes had tensed up even more before you could even take it back. He held his breath, audibly swallowing.

("You don't need mission parameters, Barnes. You're your own free man. You can- can make decisions on your own. You don't need me to tell you what you need to do.")

("I... Don't understand...")

You spoke on impulse.

"You... You need them, don't you? Mission parameters."

Immediately, you regretted even speaking up just as those words left your mouth.

While every fiber in your being hoped that it wasn't true, there was a small inkling in your head that already knew the answer to your question. It was the only thing that was barely even logical enough to make sense.

His apprehension of making a choice.

How uncomfortable in his own skin he always appeared, despite it even being just a few days.

How relieved he always looks, when the choice was already made for him.

His body tenses underneath your hand, but it's the slight bob of his head that makes your stomach drop. You thought- what a fool you were- you thought he'd be okay without being ordered around, but that was nothing but wishful thinking.

(What was the saying? It's hard to teach an old dog a new trick, was it?)

(Yeah.)

Looking at how only a few days of what you had originally thought was Barnes' newfound freedom turned out to be much more of a nightmare for Barnes, it might just be better for the both of you to push aside your comfortability and start making an honest-to-God investment into Barnes' recovery, even if that means that you had to take a step backward.

A very, very risky step backward.

It was a shot in the dark, but it was the only thing that you could place your bets on for now.

You just hoped that your aim wouldn't fail you now.

"Okay, well... How about this, Barnes, here's your main- your main mission, okay? Become a free man. Hey, no, look at me," you swiveled his head so he could look at you. His eyes were panicked, crazed, and irredeemably sad, but you had to make sure nothing crossed through your face so he'd know that everything will be okay. Your grip on both sides of his face was firm as you pleaded with him.

"Your only 'mission' right now? Breathe," ironically, his breath hitched, "If not for your own sake, then for mine."

You swallowed, heart stuttering as you looked into his glassy eyes.

"Please," you let your desperate prayer lingered in the air.

Maybe it was being given a task to accomplish after days of trying to figure out what to do with his supposed new "freedom", or it was how non-labor intensive and just... simple, his new mission parameter was, but it was almost instantaneous how all of the tension in his body dissipated into thin air.

Witnessing the moment of mercy upon grief through Barnes, no matter how brief or temporary it may be, was almost cathartic.

Almost.

(Perhaps you shouldn't be looking for absolution vicariously. But you were never really a good person, were you?)

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A/N: I've read a lot of WinterIron fics. While I have read a lot of interpretations about how Barnes would have reacted when he was freshly freed from HYDRA, this is how I choose to interpret it- one that would best fit the story for now. Next chapter, since I couldn't fit it in this chapter, is a special, but it is very much important and related to the story, and Barnes as a character. If you're familiar with some WinterIron tropes, this won't be too foreign of an idea. Not too sure about other ships/ stories, but. Ah, I'm rambling. Anyways, see you next year lol.

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Masterlist 

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Tagged: @unsolvetheheckoutofit @tonystanktheirondad @ludwigvonbaethoven @rspctot7 (if you’re not @/ fabledxmystery, so sorry for the mistag! LMK if it’s not you) @tolkoskott @klanceiscannon14 @deos-life (grr it won’t let me tag you) @kp1183 (kperla1183) @xyuriko-akamine (akabaneyuriko) @kettnerjanea​ @soldier-42 @daybreakmistakes @spnfanboy777 @crash-zite @jm-cy

#male reader #avengers x reader #avengers x male reader #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x male reader #bucky barnes x reader #restart #reader insert

[crystalirises]

The Final Answer (36 Questions AU 1/13)

Hello guys! So I made a Fundywastaken fic... but 36 Questions. I hope you guys like it! (This occurs in the Dream SMP and involve the characters, not the people). I’ll be uploading this on ao3 too for those who want to read it there (tumblr deletes my posts if I add external links so I can’t put the link here rip).

(Also in this AU Dream and Fundy got married at some point during Schlatt’s administration and George didn’t object because dammit George)

HEAR ME OUT

~~~~~

“Dream, we should watch treasure planet, ba― Babe.”

“WHAT.”

~~~~~

“Dream, you have been the most fantastic partner to watch treasure planet with… heh… I’ve known you for so long now, I can’t imagine a life without you. I love you. We've gone through our own tragedies. But, would you do me the honor of making me the happiest man on earth? Dream, will you marry me?”

“You were my favorite person ever to watch a movie with. Yes. Yes, I will marry you!”

“YEAHHHHHHH! WOOOOOOOOOO!”

~~~~~

“Oh, can you say that again?”

“About the wedding?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my― but Dream we’ve been over this.”

“Yes.”

“What? Do you like hearing my voice that much?”

“I just want to hear your plans again. I want to hear about the big wedding you’ve planned out.”

“No.”

“A lot of guests?”

“This is Insane. Okay, fine. It’s gonna be a big wedding and it’s… wait for it… Treasure Planet-themed oooooh. Cool, right?”

“It sounds perfect, star.”

“I don’t know about the guests though. Can’t really confirm that.”

“Hm. What? What about the guests?”

“Well, funny story, babe…”

~~~~~

“Dream!”

“Oh, uh, hello!”

“Pogtopia has a meeting, remember?”

“Sorry.”

“What? Why?”

“Just... you wouldn’t understand, Funds.”

“What are you doing? Dream… are you?”

“Yes. I am.”

“Why?”

“I’m just ―  he promised me something. Something neither Wilbur nor Pogtopia can give me. I’m sorry.”

“Okay… but you still love me, right?”

“…of course.”

“Promise?”

“I’ll always love you, Fundy.”

~~~~~

“Really?” Dream shivered in his green sweater, the rain pelting mercilessly against his white porcelain mask as he wandered aimlessly through the desert. He held back a frustrated groan. Seriously, a rain storm in the middle of a desert right when nighttime threatened to engulf the world in darkness? He gritted his teeth, seething as he forced himself to move forward. Nature be damned he wasn’t going to turn back. It seems Lady Luck had abandoned him at this crucial moment. Not that he could blame her. He’s pushed everyone away. His friends. His husband. 

Dream sighed, peering down at the compass in his hands. The arrow pointed forward, leading him towards his husband… the husband he left… the husband he said he didn’t care for.

“Where are you, Fundy?” Dream trudged through the wet sand, each step heavier than the last. If you had asked him two weeks ago what he’d be doing in the future, it certainly wouldn’t have involved anything to do with traversing through some dead and horrible land. Dream couldn’t believe it. Of all places, why did Fundy have to choose the badlands? He held back the string of curses rising in his throat, exhaustion seeping into his aching bones. He’d been walking for an entire day now, lost in a foreign land that had no mercy for people like him. He couldn’t tell if that rock on the ground was the same rock he’d just passed a couple seconds ago. He groaned, running a hand through his unkempt and dirty hair. Maybe this was his punishment, to wander the desert for all of eternity, searching for a husband who may or may not even be there.

He nearly toppled over, the ground threatening to give way beneath his feet. He scowled, pushing himself as clumps of sand stuck to every part of him. “Oh, I’m gonna die out here…” He began to sing underneath his breath, glancing at the desolate and darkening landscape, his heart on his sleeve. A part of him wished Fundy would appear at any moment, a glimpse of his orange tail around the corner… anything that would give him a hint to his husband’s whereabouts. He shouldn’t have left Fundy that night. He shouldn’t have left. He bit back his sorrow, it wasn’t his time to cry.

“Come on. Give me a sign, star. Just… Anything, please.” His eyes narrowed, hoping to see beyond the neverending veil of rain that engulfed the world. Why did it have to rain at such a time?

The previous days have been… difficult. He’d done many acts that he couldn't say he was proud of… but he would never take them back. He did what he had to. He just didn’t expect to lose his husband in the process. One moment Fundy was by his side, his head nuzzled into his neck as they sat near the warmth of a fireplace, and the next his husband was gone. Fundy had left his ring on their bed, but he didn’t leave a note. No. Dream had to force it out of the newcomer’s mouth to even get a hint of where his husband had run off to.

“What…?” He paused, the distant flutter of a familiar piece of clothing catching his attention. He began to run, the outline of a small cabin coming into view as he stumbled his way towards… a clothesline? He took a shaky breath, reaching out to pluck the hat off the clothespin it hang onto. It was soaking wet, a bundle of black and orange cloth… but he would recognize it anywhere. Fundy loved his hat as much as Dream loved his mask. His attention turned towards the debilitated cabin. Did Fundy live there?

“Please. Please. Please.” Don’t let this be a fluke. He headed towards the cabin, yelping as his leg got caught on sand. He lands against the door with a loud thud, the house trembling violently at the sudden impact. He gripped at its edges. His head pressed against the thin wooden surface. 

Worry settled in his gut… maybe Fundy wasn’t here. Maybe… He stilled. The muffled sound of shoes scuffing against the floor ringing through his ears. “Fundy? Star? I… I know you’re there, Fundy. Just… please let me in, star.”

He was met with silence. His heart ached with regret. He wouldn’t delude himself. This was his fault. But… they could still work it out! It couldn’t be over, could it? His fingers dug into the wood, splinters breaking through his skin. Dream couldn’t care less. He wanted his husband to open the door. He wanted to hold him in a tight embrace and apologize, beg for him to come home. At the very least, he wanted to see Fundy’s face for one last time. 

“Okay. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’re not my husband, my Fundy.” He lets out a sigh.

“Whoever you are…” He swallowed down the bitter and nauseous taste of sadness in his throat, his shoulders shook with unshed tears. He forced himself to continue, a sliver of hope that Fundy would pity him enough to hear him out.

“You share a lot in common with my husband... Funds.” The nickname felt damningly foreign against his tongue, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time. Maybe he hadn’t. He pushed the thought away. He didn’t want to think about it. Not now.

“You have the same hat...” He heard a strained gasp through the door, and his heart began to flutter. He holds the hat to his chest, caressing the cold, soaked cloth with calloused hands. Fundy would want it back, right?

“So either he sold it or maybe you stole it.” Fundy would never, Dream knew that. It was one of the few traits they shared. Fundy hated when Dream washed his hat for him, and Dream hated when Fundy cleaned his mask for him.

“And didn't change the tags...” His fingers reached into the hat, feeling the small patch of paper crudely taped onto its surface. He didn’t need to look to know that ‘F.S.” was written on the parchment.

“So I feel like I know you, like we've met before.” He closed his eyes, the distant memory of warm lights danced across his vision. He recalled the warm hand tucked into his own, the gold-flecked brown eyes that stared up at him with a light that could rival the brightest of stars.

“I walked like 27 hours…” It had been a day at most, a mere second in the life of an admin… but it felt like a lifetime. Dream had wandered through the land, sick and delirious with the idea that he might have been too late, that his husband had gone to a place he would never find.

“…to get to this place. If you were him…” He leaned against the door, wondering if Fundy was doing the same. He couldn’t feel the other’s warmth, blocked by the door and the chill of the rain that clung to his very being. He’d never felt this cold before.

“You'd open up the door.” He raised a hand, his knuckles knocking against the wooden barrier. He held his breath… but the door didn't budge. He sniffed, combing a hand through his hair. He deserved this. He knows he does. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

“I know you're there. I know you're listening.” A murmur of noise reached his ears, the chime of metal creaking before falling into silence. He hoped Fundy didn’t lock the door on him. Fundy was there, just beyond the door. He was listening. That had to mean something, right?

“You deserve to get to know…” Who did his husband deserve to know? Dream was many things, and he doubted that Fundy would wish to meet any one of them. He was a tyrant. A monster. A liar. A player. A traitor. A shitty husband. He was…

“The person you're trying your damnedest to let go. I know you care.” Fundy must still have some love for him, right? He would have told him to leave if he didn’t, right? Dream held onto that. They could fix this. Fix them. Dream was willing to try… if- if Fundy was. He’d take it all back if it meant having his husband.

“Whoever you are…” Fundy… please. Warm rolls of liquid dripped past his cheeks, a contrast to the rain that cruelly poured down onto his shivering form. He could feel the approaching cold of night in the air, his fingers trembling at the shift of temperature.

“You have a thousand reasons not to trust whoever I am.” Fundy had no reason to, and Dream knew that. Their love was insane, a story of confusion and impossibilities. They were enemies. They were supposed to be enemies. Fundy should hate him and Dream should be indifferent to the fox’s very existence.

“For whatever it's worth…” A sob seeps past his lips, his throat burning with a scream he dared not escape. His hand lets go of the door, resting on top of the porcelain mask he had worn for so long. In one move, he took it off.

“I also have no clue as to who I actually am.” The wind slapped at his cheeks. He can’t recall the last time he’s taken off his mask.

“But I know, this is the first time in my life…” He wore it on their date. He wore it to their wedding. Did Fundy even know what he looked like? Did he care?

“That I am sure.” Did Dream want him to? Did he want Fundy to see him? To see beyond the mask? See the man behind the smile?

“I walked like 27 hours, replaced two boots during a storm.” He would walk another mile if Fundy asked him to. He really would.

“And I won't leave ‘til you open up the door.” He had to see him, even if it was just one final glimpse. A final farewell to a love story doomed from the beginning.

“I hear you there. I hear you listening.” Fundy.

“You deserve to get to know the person you're trying your damnedest to let go.” If you can hear me…

“Hear me out.” Know…

“Hear me out.” That I love you…

“Hear me out.” So, please…

“Let me in.” Oh…

“Let me in.” Please…

“Let me in.” Forgive

“Let me in.” Me…

“Funds, there are zombies everywhere, they’re going to eat me alive…”

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#fundywastaken #fundy #dream mcyt #mcyt