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theoldaeroplane · 10 months

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jouwnaling

had a really, really nice day yesterday, was just in a lovely mood all day. I think it may have been related to the fact I did not get high the night before, so I'm going to try to test that theory and dial my usage down. I really enjoy weed and think it has a lot of benefits, especially for neurodivergent folk, but I'm recognizing that I used it as a way to cope with my situations last year. I'd like to wean myself off it a bit and be more present now that my life is starting to not suck. Still gonna keep it around for fun and really bad ruminating though. Weed makes it so much easier for me to hang out with people in person for a long time, and to go into overstimulating spaces.

Been having tons of fun rotating my version of Link in my brain for Antebellum (the WIP name of my LoZ fic). He has so many problems. He is a dumb motherfucker. I'm also consciously putting a lot of things I've been struggling with into this story, both to process them for myself and to give the fic, you know, that extra layer of authenticity, relatability? It's nice, I'm excited to be excited again. I'm gonna fuck up that elf boy so bad.

Had my second yoga class last night, it was nice. I'm not sure if I can afford to keep going but I'm going to try to. In a way it feels silly to pay for something I could technically do for free at home with a YouTube video, but I think the atmosphere makes a significant enough difference to be worth paying for.

Finally made a vet appointment for the dog. She needs her shots and I can't put off the fact she needs dental surgery any longer.

I really, really need to reopen commissions, but I still feel burned out on art. I'm trying to make some adoptables and YCHs as a middle ground. Haven't had a lot of success there yet. That said, I've been putting a lot of my energy into cleaning up my house and taking care of myself. The house is coming along really well, and hopefully soon I'll have it leveled out enough to make it a nicer space for my creative endeavors.

I applied for another job this week, one totally out of my field and experience: house cleaning. It's not something I'd ever considered, but I found the listing by chance and it occurred to me that a job where I just clean and listen to podcasts sounds like heaven. Especially for my autistic ass. No constant stream of customers. No dress shirts. No repeatedly explaining terms and price sheets. Just show up and clean. I'm sure such a job has its own frustrations (hard on the body, exceptionally gross houses, telling people when something is not in my job description, driving a lot), but, like. My current job---while I genuinely like a lot of the work, and I really love my boss and coworkers---the customer service aspect is killing me, the dress code brings back bad memories, and even though I'm working full time (over full time, even, I'm there 8:30-5 because I take a thirty minute lunch break) I'm not making enough to fully support myself. I keep getting sent home early because there's nothing for me to do, and my boss is only a regional manager and has been very forthcoming with the fact I am already at the absolute highest end of the payscale for my position without taking on more responsibilities.

The fact that I can be working full time and still have to rely on a side hustle, and even THEN can't put anything aside for savings, is awful. I can't do more hours, I can't take on more responsibilities, and I can't get a second job. Any of those things would seriously compromise my mental health and I have to take care of myself. I've always dreaded it when I'm asked to take on more responsibilities at my jobs. I don't want advancement, I don't want to manage anyone (I can barely manage myself!), I don't give a shit what my title is. I want to do my work really well, get paid, and go home.

And the cleaning job, at the absolute lowest end, still pays about 5k more per year than my current position.

So, currently, yeah, housecleaning sounds like a dream job. Show up. Clean. Leave. Repeat. The company in question also has glowing employee reviews on Glassdoor, with the worst things being "could pay better" and "sometimes there's favoritism." I don't have any qualms about """being a maid""" on like a social level or whatever. I like the idea that I would be making a tangible difference for individuals, instead of printing out hundreds of advertising mailers that are going to go directly into the trash. I finding cleaning very satisfying. I like the idea of not sitting around bored because there's no customers and nothing to do and I'm not allowed to have my phone out, and then getting sent home early so I miss out on half my pay for that day. And so much less masking! My god! It sounds like paradise!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but sometimes that's because it really is better grass.

So. Hoping to hear back about that soon. I filled out a questionnaire thing for them yesterday that seemed like it was basically checking to see if I was a narcissistic sociopath or not. I have a weekend without any Special Events happening for the first time in like a month, just my tabletop games and my volunteer work. My clothes and bedding are all washed, I got most of the dog piss smell out of the carpet from when I was too exhausted to take her out often enough, and I cut my hair. I have a writing project again. I've been making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. I adore going out to the barn every saturday. My therapist says I'm doing really, really well. Everything's coming up Corgi, for now. Fingers crossed :)

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humansun · 10 months

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HAPPY JUUUUULY!

Written July 1st, 2023 at 6:40AM

The world allows me to live another day. Fate and destiny have determined that yesterday was not my last day to existing. I am hoping to live a very rich life until I am very old.

Ripe. A word that helps me process the difficulties and adversity that comes with my creative journey. Learning how to affirm that my creative ideas have worth and value has been rewarding in a small, but mighty kind of way.

This morning, I got to wake up on a Saturday to claim my morning and take the time to meditate. I took my morning back from whatever messages, calls, people that I usually want to serve and poured it into me and what my needs were. My needs were to declutter my rom, meditate and find my morning peace, and take the time to write in this document to exercise my writing and also reflect on the past day or two.

Something I find majestic and special is seeing animals in the wild that I do not often see. It does not happen often, but seeing deer or stray cats are always a day brightener. It’s a reminder that we live in a beautiful, diverse world of all kinds of beings. The animal I wish to see one day is an owl, but it’s understandable if we don’t have overlapping schedules.

To reflect on the past week, there has been an intense push. I’ve been pressing the gas when it comes to being Associate Producer on New Wave and it’s been a good type of rough! Not like working at a huge company draining, but giving myself the space and time to recuperate before drafting 10 more emails.

In terms of what’s been happening politically, there was that one submarine that imploded a couple weeks ago, but affirmative action has also been shot down by the Supreme Court. I don’t know all the details, but I know that affirmative action was what made the difference between significant percentages in minority communities being accepted into higher education.

It’s a painful thing to witness, our government working backwards, even if it all does make sense in the grand scheme of American history. However, I am positive it won’t be like this forever, and we’ll keep working towards a different world. Just because our youth every year becomes more progressive and one day, that youth will become the old people voting, which will continue to be more open each year.

The things that have been at the top of my mind include my storyline that I’m building to shoot but also the short treatment I need to add in my applications. I’ve been reflecting on where I’m at financially and how taking a long, well-deserved break from working full-time has been providing me fruit for thought. I also think financially I’m in a decent place. It’s not the worst, but it’s not the best.

I’m learning that doing my best in every avenue for life should always be applauded - at least by myself. It gives me to the affirmation and recognition that I am only one human being, that I have flaws, and that the only thing that I could really do is my best. Especially when it comes to handling mom’s health documents and preparation for the future surgeries.

Yesterday, I got to experience pole dancing for the first time. I learned that I love trying out new things, even if they’re scary. The thought of jumping into the ocean at the crack of dawn during winter quarter of senior year sounded intimidating, but going head first into something even if it brings a certain level of anxiety is what pays off for me. Because I always learn that it’s not that bad after doing it. That I actually would go back and do it all over again. And that’s awesome.

There is some level of homeostasis that has come after a few months of subconsciously ruminating on my time in Vietnam. I have found a level of peace and happiness in the ant-infested house that I live in, with the people around me. There is no day or week or month that is perfect, but there is beauty in every realm of my life.

I am immensely grateful for all the resources I have been blessed, the people in my life who teach me and cherish me, and for all the experiences I have had and have yet to have as I continue down this courageous road to creative discovery and liberation. I am indeed excited for what is to come, even if it doesn’t make the most sense to me. Doing scary things is good! I need to keep doing scary things!

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jedifarmerr · 2 years

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When Javier Met... Series

Javier x F!Reader/OFC (no y/n, no physical description, established backstory)

Word count: 3.2k

Rating: T? (E/18+ blog & series)

Warnings: language, sad!Javi (a little), drinking, allusions to depression, & dialogue heavy. This is mostly fluff.

Series masterlist

Chapter 3: 1996

Javier thought about his life, now more than ever.

Maybe it was the recent move. From Laredo to Austin - yet again. Maybe it was the fact that he was middle-aged, starting a new job. One not associated with the DEA.

Javier dedicated his life to that job. He believed in it, the cause, his purpose. He never imagined a life outside of it, like Steve had said he was a lifer. The day he turned in his resignation, a part of him wilted. The plans he had for the future, forever changed in that single moment.

When he moved back to Laredo, Javier hoped he could make a life. That somehow this time it would work, it would be enough. He threw himself into ranch work; fixing fences and cleaning horseshoes. In a way, the tangible aspect of the work felt therapeutic. The ability to see the progress, to feel the finished product on his fingertips. But for the first time in Javier’s life, his soul wasn’t in his job.

An emptiness settled deep into his chest - a void of unfulfillment. His mind left unoccupied for the first time in years. No clues to ruminate on. No next move to plan.

Thoughts of his past took up occupancy. Nightmares - memories of Colombia - played across the walls. Wreaking havoc on the sanctuary he once found in his childhood room. He would wait, the covers tucked close to his chest until the periwinkle of dawn seeped in from the worn navy curtains to fill the dark abyss. It was like he was a little boy again, waking from a bad dream. But unlike then, the monsters were real.

After a particularly restless night, Javier paced around his room in the dim lamp light. The idea came as he stared at his degrees, nailed and framed to the wall. He could return to school, finish up his masters.

It was simply tape over a leaky pipe, for a while it held. Until the cracks started to show when he approached the final semester in the program. That same emptiness started to rise once again, like the Texas heat, as he faced an uncertain future.

Two weeks before he was set to graduate, a solution came when a certain professor that had taken quite a liking to Javier called him into their office. A position had recently become vacant in the Criminal Justice department at St. Edward's University in Austin. While they originally called to hire them, they offered an alternative - a soon to be graduate with experience that outweighed a doctorate.

Javier accepted a new position, a few months shy of two years since he walked out of the DEA headquartered in D.C..

When Javier moved into his new place, third floor apartment with one-bedroom, located a mile from campus, it was early summer. The place was small, less than 600 square feet, but recently renovated in mid 90’s fashion. It came partially finished, an outdated TV that sat on an oak console table. A brown suede couch plopped right in the center of the coarse beige carpet. Two wicker bar stools. And a gold rod iron bed that sat framed between two picture windows. As the relator put it, It gives you the option to really personalize the space.

The place almost looked exactly the same since the day he moved in. The only personal touches he put were the family afghan throw he draped over the back of the couch and a wooden picture frame - with a photo of him and Chcuo - in the corner of the solid surface bar top.

Javier parked his jeep underneath the buzzing orange street light. He tugged at the knot on his tie as he made his way up the iron steps. He had just gotten back from his first faculty meeting. A pizza get together held in the shared space on their department floor. Everyone had been encouraged to bring their families or significant others. He was the only one that showed up alone.

He turned the key to the quiet apartment, he flicked on the string of clunky track lights that cluttered the popcorn ceiling. Shrugging off his navy blue suit jacket, he folded it in half and laid it across the empty counter top. He grabbed an ornate rocks glass from the orange hued cabinets then poured himself a drink from the half-empty bottle of whiskey.

First message: Hey Javí, it’s Joe. I’m sorry but we gotta cancel tomorrow’s dinner plans. Our babysitter just called us and is sick. I’ll call you if we find someone, but we have already called the two back ups, and they couldn’t. Sorry man, we were both excited to see you. It’s been too long, but hey it’s a good thing you moved back. Call me when you get the chance.

End of First Message. Second Message

Hey, son. Just calling to see how the faculty meeting went and how things were going. Call me back.

End of-

Javier cut the robot voice off.

He stared around at the bare eggshell walls. Nothing but the sounds of cars passing through the night filling his ears.

It was as lonely as Javier felt.

He wondered if he would ever know what it was like to not feel that way.

Marie was reading the blurb on the back cover, her face scrunched as she put it back into the stack, “So, how are you holding up?”

“Marie. I told you already, I’m fine, honestly,” your fingers skimmed along the smooth protective covers.

“How is that possible? The two of you were a couple for what? 3 years?”

“Yeah, but Ken and I have been growing apart for a long time. I mean,” your fingers tapped on the book as you sighed, “We wanted different things. And I deserve better than a man like him.”

“I agree, 100%. You know, I never really liked him,” Marie stated like she hadn’t told you this information last week after you told her about the breakup.

The two of you continued to circle the bestseller table in the middle of the store, “Well,” she said after a reasonable amount of time in silence, signaling the conversation dead, “If we are done talking about Ken, I have something I want to talk about.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Well...Mike called me last night…” her eyes darted between you and the book she was holding.

“Please don’t tell me you let him come over?”

“Well…” a slouched smile spread across her face.

“Marie, why?” Your hand smacked down on the copy of Where The Heart Is. You grimaced at the unintentional force and shook the sting away. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

“Just hear me out. Okay? I was just going to talk to him, honest. But then, you know. We were sitting on my couch. His fingers were trailing along my hand, then up my arm, then he kissed my neck. And you know how much I love that.”

“So you slept with him?”

“Sorta.” She relented at your suspicious expression. “Fine. We slept together. But I think it might be different this time,” you scoffed, “He actually stayed for thirty minutes afterwards. Usually he would just get up and leave. No words. Nothing. This is a different side of him.”

“Oh, Marie,” you rubbed between your eyebrows. “Just be careful.”

“I will,” she said with her hands up. The both of you continued your search.

“Psst,” Marie leaned across the circular wood table, “Psst.

“What are you doing?”

“Someone’s staring at you over in Politics.”

“Really?” She gave you a quick nod, her eyes remained locked behind your shoulder. In a slow but casual fashion, you looked behind your shoulder. Only to find, none other than Javier Peña, a thick book held in one hand, open to a page he wasn’t even looking at until the two of you made eye contact.

“I know him,” you held up Intensity by Dean Kootz, “Have you read this?”

She held an open book up to her face, covering everything below the bridge of her nose as she looked between the two of you, “Who is he?”

“One of Joe’s friends,” you tried to think of a summary of your past two meetings, but couldn’t conjure up anything quick. “It’s a whole story. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“He’s cute,” she wiggled her eyebrows.

You took a second look, which made his eyes shoot down again. “Yeah, he is.”

“You should go for him.”

“He doesn’t date. Oh, hey. He might just be your type.”

She stuck her tongue out at you, “You could just sleep with him?” You let out a sharp, single laugh. “How do you know he doesn’t? Did Joe tell you?”

“No. He did.”

“And when was that?”

“Three years ago,” you started off towards the fiction section, located on the back wall.

“People can change,” Marie said eagerly in your ear as she remained right on your heels.

“Not him. Besides, he’s I don’t know. Infuriating.”

She huffed as she leaned against the bookshelf. Twirling a brown strand of hair around her finger.

“Stop staring,” you hissed.

“I’m not. Oh shit.”

“What?”

She straightened up, “I think he’s coming over here,” she smoothed out her skirt and fluffed her hair. “How do I look?”

“Doubt it,” you peeled two books apart to grab at the one in the middle, “He never remembers me.”

Your ears perked when he said your name, his deep husky voice breaking through the light jazz of the speakers. “Joe’s sister, right?” You swore you heard a small moan escape from Marie when he spoke.

“Javier Peña. You remembered,” you pressed the book to your chest.

“I thought it was you,” he said with one of his twitchy smiles. Marie cleared her throat, her brows raised before she beamed at him again.

“Sorry, Marie. Javier. Javier. Marie.”

“Nice to meet you.” She giggled as he shook her limp hand.

“Pleasure’s all mine,” she bit at her lower lip. You blinked rapidly at her display. Head taking a sharp tilt. But she was unfazed. “How do you two know each other?”

Javier’s lips parted, but Marie bursted out “Shit!” She looked between the time on the clock and the two of you. “Is it noon already?” Javier checked his watch and nodded. “Fuck. I gotta go. I’m late. I told you we shouldn’t have gone into that shoe store. I’ll see you later.” She ran off towards the stairs, then stopped before the first step. “It was nice to meet you,” Javier waved goodbye.

The two of you just stood there, swaying on the balls of your feet as you contemplated apologizing to him. “How’ve you been?” He rubbed his thumb along his bottom lip, then pointed his hand at you.

“Good.”

“What about you?”

“Good,” he looked down at his feet for a split second.

“Joe said you moved back,” when you finally came up with something to say, your arm flailed out, then slapped back against the book.

“Yeah. Couple weeks ago,” he shoved his hands in the pockets of his tight jeans. You realized that Javier’s outfit didn’t vary much each time you saw him. He was wearing a muted yellow, safari button up. With yellow ombre aviators clipped where the top button remained undone.

“How are you liking the new job?”

“Just started, but so far it’s good.” The two of you nodded in sync. “How’s Ken?”

“Ohhh. Umm…We actually just broke up.” You took in a sharp inhale as your head bobbed up and down.

“Shit,” he clenched his teeth, “I didn’t-”

“No, no,” you tried to wave off the worry that was beginning to settle in between his brows, “It’s okay. Honestly. I’m fine.” You smiled up at him. The reassuring action made his eyes widen, taking on a puppy dog look.

You turned to put the book back where it belonged before you forgot, “You wanna grab a coffee?” He

rushed out. Sliding into your periphery, allowing you to see the way his jaw twitched as he waited for an answer.

“Oh… ummm…” you looked down at your gold watch.

“We don’t-”

“No, you know what? Why not?”

“-He said that he never wanted to get married. When I asked why, he said that everyone he knew that did seemed unhappy. They never had sex anymore. Blah Blah Blah. Then I asked him how long he had known. He said a year. And look, I get that not everyone wants to, but he knew for a whole year and never told me. That’s what really irked me. Anyway, he asked if I would just think about it, and I agreed. So a week later, I came home from work. I told him, if we don’t get married, then I want a pet. A fish, cat, dog, whatever.” You sighed - taking a deep breath, you shrugged, “He said no. It was then that I realized he never compromised. It was always me. I was willing to give up something I had dreamed of since I was a little girl, for a guy that wasn’t even willing to give me a fish. So, that’s it.” You took your first drink of lukewarm coffee. “Fuck. Sorry, I just rambled on and on-”

“No, don’t apologize. If it means anything, I think you made the right choice. What kind of man doesn’t want a dog?” He smirked as he leaned back in the booth.

“Right,” you nodded enthusiastically, “But he did offer me the apartment. I didn’t take it, of course. It was just too weird.”

“So, where are you living?”

“My parents. I know. I know. Someone my age, living with their parents.”

“I was living with my pops, until I moved back here,” he looked down at his empty cup.

“You know,” you snorted, “That makes me feel a lot better.”

“Glad I could help. You looking for a place?”

“Yeah, I have been since it happened. But you know how picky I am with food? Well, it’s worse when I have to sign a year lease, and pay 800 dollars or more a month.”

He imagined the patience that it must take to be your realtor. He chuckled - low and deep, “It took me two days to find a place. Third one I viewed.”

You sighed, “Well, maybe I need the number of your realtor.”

“I don’t think that’ll make a difference."

There was a tint of sherbet that speckled the blue sky as Javier and you walked side by side in the park. “You know, I didn’t like you that much when we first met,” you smiled at the way his mouth parted in fake shock.

“I didn’t like you either.”

“Don’t lie, you did too,” you playfully slapped his arm. He rubbed his tricep, acting like it hurt. “You just knew that I didn’t like you.”

“So, I didn’t like you cause you didn’t like me?”

“Yeah, you couldn’t like me. That would be embarrassing.”

He shook his head, “You keep telling yourself that.”

“Did you like me the second time we met?”

“You grew on me,” he smiled when he saw your chin jut, head high with pride, “You weren’t as uptight. You were - are… softer.”

“You know,” you tapped a finger to your smushed lips, then held it up “I hate that I don’t know if that is a compliment or an insult.”

“Maybe it’s both,” he teased, “What about me?”

“Well, since you admitted it, I guess you grew on me too. You didn’t eye fuck every girl that passed in the aisle. Or maybe you just found out how to hide it better.” He shrugged with a coy grin. You shook your head, “You were still a little too cocky, but I don’t know. You seemed different.”

The pace slowed by just a beat as the two of you looked at each other, gazing at one another with a sense of unspoken understanding.

The two of you continued to casually walk around the pond. Losing track of time as you shared stories about the past three years. His time in Laredo. The ranch work - which you had a hard time believing. You talked to him about your job at the same place. Ken. Joe and Ruby.

The sky was officially golden with hints of salmon when the two of you arrived back at the bookstore parking lot. A white piece of paper flapping around both of your windshields. “Fuck,” he joked as he clipped it away. “Five dollars, guess I can pay that.”

You laughed, the smile tainting your voice, “Well, Javier, I had a good time, but I should go. My parents are probably wondering where I am.” You started to walk towards your car. “Fuck, I sound like a teenager.”

“Would you like to go to dinner sometime? Lunch?”

You stopped at the trunk of his jeep. Turning around with your arms crossed, “Are we becoming friends now?”

He shrugged as he leaned back against the driver side door, “We could. If you want.”

“Well, you see there’s just one teeny tiny problem.”

“What’s that?”

“I thought men and women couldn’t be friends.”

“You still holding me to that?”

“Possibly,” you clicked your tongue against the roof of your mouth.

“Well, do you wannna sleep with me?”

A sharp exhale propped your mouth wide open, “No,” you laughed as you shook your head. He tilted his head, “No,” you said with more assurance.

“Likewise. Crisis averted,” he shrugged.

You took a step towards him. Putting your hand in the middle of the two of you, “Then, I guess we can be friends.”

He pried himself from his relaxed posture. Putting his hands on his hips. His eyes rolled up to your face, down to your hand, and back up to your face. We are shaking on it? Really?”

“Mmmhm,” you wiggled your hand, “Unless, you don’t wanna,” you reached just a centimeter closer.

“Okay, fine.” His warm - slightly sweaty - large hand engulfed yours, giving you one firm shake. As you pulled away, his thumb lingered along the back of your hand.

You dug into your purse and grabbed out a pen and a wrinkly receipt from a Chinese takeout place two blocks away. “Call me,” you slapped your number into his palm before walking off.

When Javier looked down at the digits a cheesy grin spread on his face. He tucked it into his back pocket and watched you drive away.

Even though he was now alone, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel that way.

taglist: @athalien @lowlights @peoniarose @beskarangel @phandoz @seasonschange-butpeopledont @littlemisspascal @0celesteisthebest0 @hnt-escape @nymphwriting

A/N: I know others have put Javier as a professor. I thought about his profession a lot, and just couldn't see him going back to the DEA, but didn't really seem him anywhere else. So, I think it made sense.

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #javier peña x f!reader #javier peña x reader #javier pena #javier pena x reader #javier peña #narcos fanfic #Javier Peña x reader #Javier Pena x reader #jose pedro balmaceda pascal

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rainbowcarousels · 3 years

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I don't know how interesting this is going to be but I started to answer a comment on the latest JBSWM from @zanahoriabaila and realised I actually kind of want to talk more depth about the subject so I'm going to post it up here. Between talking a little about Genesis especially on twitter and briefly talking a couple of chapters ago about Sephiroth, it's kind of all been ruminating into something meta that borders on a directors commentary.

Again, how come your Genesis always spews all the stuff I think?

This is absolutely something I do with my version of Genesis on the regular and there's a few different reasons why he’s my character of choice for uncomfortable examinations of stuff.

Cut for discussion of fic, canon, trauma and interrelationships with everyone!

The first reason is the Eve symbolism that comes with Genesis as a character. There's a decent bit of it with Genesis (much like Aerith) when you consider his name, his limit break, his carrying around of the forbidden fruit and the look of the Goddess statue and in CC canon, he is the first person to tell Sephiroth about what Jenova is. As such, giving a lot of the harder hitting commentary to Genesis feels natural because he is good at weaponising knowledge.

It also makes more sense out of AGS to give it to him because of each of their interactions with how knowledge effects them. The revelation of the Jenova Project in general (I hope!) illustrated this pretty well in that Angeal takes in knowledge and then thinks about what he should say or do or feel about it and it impacts it greatly. Sephiroth takes in the knowledge and tries to analyse and categorise because exploring how he feels emotionally about something is really difficult for him and unless it's pertinent, he just doesn't address it in terms of how to feel about it. Genesis in contrast to both goes instantly to what he is feeling in the moment and it fuels his decisions and choices.

Angeal's issue comes when what he should feel and what he does feel are so at odds that he can't reasonably justify how he feels and he's been going through a lot of that since he doesn't want to think ill of his mother, he does not want to consider that his father might have lied to him and he absolutely does not want to think about Hollander at all. His sense of honour is wrapped up in family, in the idea that he pulled himself up to get where he is with hard work and determination and that he does make a positive difference and he's just...completely lost right now emotionally because he can't reconcile his feelings with what he thinks he should feel.

Sephiroth's comes when something is emotive and he can't pick it apart and make sense of it through physical and observable changes. I think this probably comes from spending his childhood as a lab specimen so he knows how to report things that are observable and that emotions are too subjective so he doesn't include them. Then getting thrust into war, he also learns to describe himself by a physical status report. Zack gives him one based on how he is physically because he knows this is how Sephiroth is. The problem for him and the reason he is as noted by the same comment so detached is because he just doesn't really process anything emotional in any significant way, which is why as noted in one of my much earlier chapters, he struggles with saying 'I love you' because it's pure emotion and he tries to show it in his own way instead.

Then you have Genesis who runs on his emotions and experiences like they're fuel. There's a throwaway line in Don't You Know My Name about how Genesis doesn't so much like or dislike things as he dismisses or obsesses over them and because of that, he has the nastiest tunnel vision and comes across as self centred. He likes to write his own narrative in a way that makes sense to him based on what information he has and how he feels about it. There's a line in the song from JBSWM's title song that says 'judgment made can never bend' and I think this is part of Genesis struggling more with Zack's inclusion into their relationship with Cloud because he formed his own opinions on Cloud and Zack is Angeal's little puppy he's been hearing about for years. It's hard to shift perspectives for him.

Zack and Cloud have their own relationships with truth and feelings but Gast is history for AGS. So onto Gast, because that the subject being discussed in the chapter. It's not something new, if I go by my own timeline, Genesis and Angeal have known since they were 15 about a decent chunk of what happened as Sephiroth's background and Angeal comes down hard on the 'respect what Sephiroth feels even if it's not entirely accurate because it's important to him' side and Genesis comes down on the 'This was bullshit and Sephiroth needs to know it was bullshit regardless of how attached he is to the memory of Gast because he needs to deal with it'.

Zack and Cloud are just forming their opinions and it'll happen over a few chapters, but Zack is far more emotion based but he also has rose coloured glasses and if there is an upside, he will find it. Cloud, growing up feeling angry and isolated and idolising Sephiroth, kind of has a similar way of coping as him in that he has this idea he can't be openly emotional or vulnerable because he'll get hurt but he also isn't about to pull any punches either. It should make for interesting interaction hopefully.

I think Sephiroth is more knowledgeable than he realises in that he quickly guesses from Genesis being willing to share that they are in the 'experimented on parents' club that this is colouring some of his interaction here. He backs down earlier when the subject comes up, not because he thinks he's wrong but he's not pushing that hard because as much as it comes from a place where he's sad and angry that this terrible thing happened to someone he loves, he can rationalise backing down because his feelings are second hand. Except now they're not. While Angeal and Sephiroth can look at their parents to some degree and assign some kind of blame (and Cloud can from being victimised), he can't because he doesn't know who his parents are or what the circumstances were but Gast was the head of the department when this crap went down so he is a prime target for someone to be furious at.

These guys spent their teenage years building coping mechanisms based on battlefield experience, it's probably not a surprise Sephiroth is practical and tries to funnel it into something productive, Angeal tries to find the honourable method of dealing with it in the way he's supposed to and Genesis just wants someone, anyone appropriate to unleash all of that emotion on. I'd also argue that Zack tries to apply it to being the best hero he can be even though he was doing a lot of pretty unhero-like things and Cloud was cannon fodder, it's no surprise his sense of worth is in the toilet and he can't really grasp the idea of being special.

Someone described JBSWM as five broken people trying to make each other whole and I don't think it's exactly right, but it is close. It's five people trying to figure out a way to live with a shit ton of trauma and a lot of it is trauma they're complicit in which is really difficult to work through given all time and resources let alone trying to deal with Shinra at the same time.

This kind of brings me back to why Genesis is often the pushing person in the relationship and why he's not always right to do it.

As horrible as the Project G revelations are, it's not the same as growing up in the way Sephiroth (and in some ways, Aerith) did and he has the coping mechanisms he has for good reasons. He needs to have this idea of Gast as this good person who tried to be good to him but died because the alternative is Gast wandered off the moment he wasn't as interesting anymore and left him (in JBSWM's timeline at around the age of 4) to try and survive it by himself. He's already lost this perfect idea of a mother by having the 'L' put there and all SOLDIERs having JENOVA on their files and he's kind of desperately clinging onto something good because he hasn't really thought about what a lot of it would look like to someone coming in now until Cloud started to ask about it and had enough first hand experience to know it was really messed up. He can justify it as Gast was the better scientist, the better man, the better influence for him but if you start taking that away, it puts him in the position of being victimised and abused and that's all there is and I don't think he knows how to even begin to process that. As @aimeelouart pointed out, if he thinks about it or talks about it with any perspective, he would have to acknowledge he is traumatised and a large part of his identity has been built on his own invincibility. How can he be traumatised if that’s so?

The flipside of it being that I don't think any of them understood fully in a conscious way what happened with Sephiroth’s childhood until they saw it up close and personal with Cloud and even if it's coming from Genesis (dude is loud), Angeal is also pissed off and furious that it's just as bad as they thought it might be but could never be sure because they've only ever seen the aftermath and he does not talk about it. Zack got it all in one, he heard about it and saw it and is trying to deal with that but for Genesis and Angeal, it's festered for a decade and since no one save for maybe Zack has ever met a single healthy coping mechanism, it goes out as Angeal being cautious and letting Sephiroth set his own pace and Genesis going no, this is important, you have to confront this because if it hurts them from just caring about him and realising how bad it was, if Sephiroth some day realises how awful it was, he's going to just...shatter or explode and they'll lose him and even if he struggles to express it sometimes, he does love him dearly and like with Cloud, he wants him to figure out what will make him happy and it doesn’t seem like he’ll feel happy until he can stop blocking out what he’s feeling on instinct as some leftover coping mechanism. Cloud having to deal with his own lab trauma just brings it to the forefront and Genesis is not wasting the opportunity.

The thing is I don't think he's wrong about it because I think Alien Demi-god Sephiroth and Sane Sephiroth are two sides of the exact same person. There's hints of it here and there, but I think one of the biggest ones is he's very possessive and it took Hojo crossing the line and almost killing Cloud when he was beginning to grow attached to him to get him to move out of his holding pattern. In a way, this can also be traced all the way back to Gast and the idea of his mother because it's this almost childlike view that when he's attached to someone, they leave and it hurts so the obvious answer is make it so they can't leave or in the case of canon, try to push them to come back. I genuinely do not think Jenova knew what they were getting themselves into with him because they were like 'hey I could be your mom' and got absolutely swallowed by someone who was hurting, desperate for connection and just So Fucking Done with all of it until his will overrode theirs and he was never, ever going to be alone again because the entire planet would be reborn as part of him.

Not the direction I'm going with JBSWM, they have some things they need to work on with each other but they are together and leaving Shinra was as close to a statement of commitment as you can get. With Midgar behind them and a chunk of their identity and dreams left with it, trying to face those uncomfortable truths will be hard for everyone and as much as Genesis puts it out there, he’ll struggle with his own too because if they have to deal with their shit, so does he.

#to say this got away from me is a gross understatement #i hope it makes a little sense #fic: just be still with me #fic related meta

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officiallyzoe-writing · 3 years

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“How To Make Killer Character Development Part 1”

What Is Character Development?

In fiction writing, character development is the process of building a unique, three-dimensional character with depth, personality, and clear motivations. Character development can also refer to the changes a character undergoes over the course of a story as a result of their actions and experiences.

Why Is Character Development Important?

A novel consists of a character interacting with events over time. Character and plot are inseparable, because a person is what happens to them. Without a clear sense of who a character is, what they value, and what they’re afraid of, the reader will be unable to appreciate the significance of your events, and your story will have no impact.

Like real people, fictional characters have hobbies, pets, histories, ruminations, and obsessions. These characteristics inform how a character reacts to and feels about the things that happen to them. It’s essential to your novel that you understand all aspects of your characters so that you are equipped to understand how they may react under the pressures of events they encounter.

How Does Character Development Affect Story?

Your main character’s goal sets the stakes in your story. It doesn’t matter whether your story stakes are big or small, as long as they matter deeply to your protagonist.

Your character doesn’t have to save the world: perhaps they are trying to save their family from an eviction, or fighting to keep their business from going bankrupt. Your job is to establish what’s important to your character (ideally, it’s something that your audience can relate to), and help the reader imagine what might happen if they lose that important thing.

How to Develop Different Types of Characters

Stories have different kinds of characters. Every story has a main character, called the hero or protagonist. Many stories have a bad guy: the villain or antagonist. Secondary characters round out the story. These characters may help the main characters, oppose them, or be completely neutral, so long as they help the reader understand the protagonist or antagonist in deeper ways.

How to Develop a Protagonist

Some guidelines for developing a protagonist include:

Give the protagonist flaws. Protagonists or heroes don’t have to be perfect specimens of humanity. In fact, those protagonists tend to be boring. Great characters emerge from the trials they encounter, and believable characters have human flaws, just like people in real life.

Give the protagonist an arc. A good character undergoes some sort of change over the course of the story. That change is called the character arc. You can also choose to create a main character who doesn’t change, but that decision should be intentional.

How to Develop an Antagonist

Some guidelines for developing an antagonist include:

Give the antagonist morality. A villain’s motivations should create a crisis for your protagonist. Every villain needs to have their own morality, however warped. If a villain spends part of the novel killing people, you need to give him or her believable reasons for doing so. Make the reader understand exactly what desperate need or twisted belief has driven the villain to commit their crimes, and make those motivations personal to their history and upbringing.

Make the antagonist powerful. Readers want to see your main character succeed—but they don’t want it to be easy. Your villain should not only be a match for your hero: they should be even more powerful. This forces your protagonist to collect the skills, items, and allies they’ll need to defeat your antagonist, which creates further opportunity for character development.

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conscious-love · 4 years

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So going off of an earlier ask, how do you move on if you were in a long term relationship with someone, and they told you their love has faded and they don't see a future with you anymore? I'm trying to respect their feelings, but it hurt so bad hearing that.

I’m assuming that you don’t feel the same way as them, that you’re still in love, and still see a future with this person. I’ve been in that situation, and yes, it hurts.

Like all things we must move on from, acceptance is what’s required. We can’t move on if we’re wrestling with the past. There’s no benefit to be found in worrying or ruminating. The goal is to try as hard as you can to accept your present reality. It will take a while, especially if the relationship was long-term and/or meant a whole lot to you. Your brain is just like that; it needs time to adjust to changes. This is what’s known as cognitive dissonance — it’s that messy place between resistance and acceptance — that confusing, distressing and often chaotic and scary place — that you have to push through before your brain finally works the mess out. When a big change occurs in your life, it’s like the carpet is ripped out from beneath your feet, or your world is turned upside down — pick your metaphor — but essentially, the world just doesn’t make sense right now. You’re asking yourself questions like “why? how?” and probably catch yourself saying “I can’t believe this is happening” at least once, but probably several times while you try to process this insanity. This is a necessary part of the process, but the idea is to move through it as fast as you can to avoid falling into the victim mindset. It’s one thing to be broken-hearted for a while, but what you don’t want is to become The Broken-Hearted One as a way of life. Negativity can become pathological if left unchecked. All the ingredients are there — hopelessness, rejection, shame, anger, shattered trust, pessimism, resentment. If these feelings carry on too long, they can become part of your character, and your suffering is prolonged needlessly. Stay with your grief for only as long as you have to. The goal is to become stronger for having gone through this, and to learn from it as best you can so you can make healthier decisions in the future, and are better able to cope with future hardships. And of course, so you can feel happy again.

As for trying to respect their feelings, that’s just a matter of how much you respect them in general. Do you want them to be happy? If you really do, you’ll let them make the choices they feel are best for themselves, even if it’s not you. You won’t believe yourself at first, but you’ve got to keep reminding yourself over and over as long as it takes, “they are doing what’s best for them and I want the best for them. They’re allowed to change their mind, and they’ve changed their mind about me. And that’s okay. It’s over, and I’m okay.”

While you’re letting yourself grieve, and countering negative thoughts with positive ones, another crucial element is self-compassion. You don’t need to feel guilty for any of the emotions you’re feeling. There are no right or wrong emotions. Emotions just need to be felt, acknowledged, and taken as lessons about ourselves and our progress in healing. Self-compassion includes self-forgiveness, self-care, and self-understanding. Listen to your emotions and your thoughts. Hear what they have to say and take this opportunity to get deeper in touch with yourself, discover who you are. Listen to your body and make sure you take good care of yourself. Comfort yourself, try to fit small joys in as much as you can, pamper yourself sometimes. Your heart is tender right now, and your mind is working hard to get you through this. Your body is exhausted from stress, and maybe also from crying and nightmares and insomnia. Be on your own team and take care of yourself in every way, no matter how you feel. Focus on YOU and your life outside of this person you’re letting go of. Focus on your friends, your hobbies, take as much alone time as you need, and rest a little more than usual. You need it, and you deserve it. You’re your own significant other now, and that’s the way it should be. You are your own best friend and you are all you’ve ever needed. Love can be found in millions of other people, but you yourself are all you need, everyone else is just a bonus.

TL:DR To move on from someone you cared about who no longer feels the same as you, what’s required is acceptance, self-compassion, self-love, and understanding. Feel your emotions, learn from this experience, and let it make you better, not bitter. Push through the resistance by simply doing your best best to cope until it passes on its own. Don’t give in to negativity. You can feel pain and still be a positive person. You are your own best friend; always be there for yourself, and don’t look to anyone else to make you feel whole.

#ask #relationship #love #breakup #heartbreak #moving on #strength #recovery #healing #quotes

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a-to-a-and-d-to-d · 3 years

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The First Post, Unaffiliated

This is not my first rodeo on Tumblr, but I have not logged into my original account in some time. I think a large part of that decision was due to a bitter taste in my mouth regarding friendships made on this site that I would eventually need to detach from, and sometimes that’s a difficult thing to not only recognize the need for, but to accept and actually do.

I am also less into fandom than I had been. I realize that my indulgence into fandom was to find acceptance and love, but much like seeking religion or social groups for this purpose, it was bound to eventually backfire and discontinue that comfort that it brought me.

I will probably go about discuss religion and like things in this place eventually, as I often ponder religion and spirituality, but do not take my pointing out of anything I find interesting as a means to try to disprove or prove anything.

I thought perhaps today, though, I will talk about something that is on my mind a lot lately, and has recently been brought to the surface by a friend’s situation

One of the struggles I continue to deal with, even as I ever so slowly trudge towards that which we call mid-life, is the child’s relationship with the parent(s), and how those that are/were damaging, we some how feel necessary to reconcile in some ways, for our sanity and for the parental love that we crave because we did not receive an adequate amount of any sort of parental relationship in our youth.

I personally did not develop what I would consider a relationship with my parents until I hit my 20s. I spent a childhood being lonely despite being surrounded by siblings and having parents who remained married. My teen years resulted in a tumultuous relationship with my mother and her scramble to convince teachers and other parents that she did not “screw up” as a parent. I dealt with a significant amount of troubles in my adolescence and her reaction to that time was to become angry. Angry that I had issues, angry that it was clear I had issues, and that I wasn’t living my teens as though everything had been and was perfectly fine.

My older siblings also had difficult times during their teen years, resulting from abusive and neglectful parenting and allowing their children - mostly due to a lack of interest in them - to stay in unsafe private schools and ruminate on those difficulties by themselves. Somehow, I had been expected to be emotionally capable at 10/11 years old to deal with constant harassment. I found release in music and story telling, and sometimes I still very much cling to these things.

What is currently difficult is trying to reconcile parents you had to who they are. Can one forgive an entire childhood of neglect and mistreatment because their parents are better equipped to deal with the issues of completely independent children, or is the fact that they are no longer sole providers for any children making it easier for them to have a relationship with them? The real question at the bottom of this barrel is, is are we - who decided we can tolerate a relationship with these people as adults - continuing to trigger ourselves? I have had more than one night, after talking to my mother, laid in bed and unable to sleep, thinking about some violent act committed against me when I was so small, and wonder... how could she look at a child of 5 and think that was reasonable in any way? It upsets me when I recall those my moments; of course they’re upsetting. But the biggest part of the upset is the fact that I have the memories of this violence but a parent now that I feel more connected to and invested in their wellbeing.

When I was about 18, I was certain I wouldn’t cry at the funerals of either parent, but now I’m concerned about their well being as they become elderly. In some ways, it feels like I’ve betrayed my child self by maintaining a relationship with them even though I had promised myself as a child I would cut them off for good. This is a promise I’ve made a few times as an adult as well.

I think part of the reason I continue to go back is that we all yearn for a family of some sort. And for a while, I thought I had found a “found family,” but after so many years, it was made clear that it really wasn’t that way. Being rejected by found family hurts so much more than an entire life of biological familial rejection. I’m sure this is due to the fact that I had been subjected to violence and neglect once I became a toddler. Once actual parenting was required.

My childhood resulted in an odd way of feeling emotions and attachments. I may talk about this in depth at a different time.

What’s been really bothering me is a friend and their particular relationship with their parents. I’ve spent the better part of a year hearing about how their parents, one in particular, is vile and just the worst. They plan to call authorities. They let pets suffer & die (though my friend also noticed the pets in question and lives there so there is some question as to why they didn’t step up and do something about it). They claim years of abuse and current child abuse in the home. A lifetime of making them feel worthless and taking jabs, blaming them for a lack of confidence and depression. They spent a lot of time discussing their anti-mask feelings and has made comments about them dying so the other parents could be free. The other parent isn’t great, either, but the major complaint is that they’re racist as all get out.. but they excuse it away by saying “but they’re my parent.”

The bad-mouthed parent, the vile and evil one, the anti-mask one (and the racist one as well,, but less about them), the one said friend couldn’t wait to leave and never speak to them again, contracted our pandemic friend. And the vile parent is suffering quite a bit more at its hands. Suddenly, we love this person.

I had a similar experience several years ago, as well, of supposedly incredibly abusive and terrible parents that continue to abuse and mistreat into their adulthood, suddenly becoming a weird sort of saint in their eyes when illness/death is at the door. its not that I believe people who have toxic parents do not love them, or should not worry or mourn if tragedy strikes them. What I am saying is that, if you imagine your parent getting sick and suffering, and that makes your heart hurt and you feel a surge of love, then perhaps you shouldn’t have spent several years convincing everyone around you that they’re the worst person. It makes me question what is more true. I do think that we all unconsciously exaggerate situations that effect us, such as relaying a story of toxicity, but if you do it to a point where I think you’re just waiting for the opportunity to leave their life forever, I might wonder why you’re so bent out of shape.

Is it mourning of the relationship we wish we had? As long as that parent is alive and relatively well, we may be thinking that there’s still a chance to have that relationship. We hope that maybe the parents will suddenly give a shit about us and will love us in the way we needed when we were children. And its difficult to admit to yourself that this isn’t going to happen. Even if your parental relationships are fulfilling and loving now, they are not what you needed when you were a child and you cannot get them now, because you are not a child.

You can always experiment out in the big bad world with different avenues. As I equate violence to the touch of a “loved one,” I’ve fetishized some of that violence. Just as, I’m sure, people had fetishized their own experiences and needs that had been neglected.

However we cope, we need to find healthy and viable ways to do so. And while I do question the legitimacy of the abusive parent when a friend’s reaction to their parent takes a complete turn when something bad happens, I also understand that relationships with abusive people are weird and difficult, especially when they’re our families.

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forestwater87 · 4 years

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Ok this is super embarrassing but you’re one of my favorite writers in this uh.. whatever this blogosphere is so!! I wanna try and take a crack at writing my own fanfic but.. I got no idea where to even start. Any advice?

Oh man, I feel awful about this! I didn’t know my inbox had any new messages, so some of these asks have been sitting here for . . . some time.

Anyway, first off thank you very much! Secondly, the most obvious advice is just, you know, “do it.” But that’s infinitely easier said than done. I started writing fanfic when I was around 10 years old, so overthinking it wasn’t an issue, since I thought I was the world’s greatest writer. Assuming you’re not 10 years old and as blind to the concept of literary criticism as I was . . . well, the first step is obviously getting an idea. EDIT: Holy shit, this is long. I’m gonna have to break this bad boy up with headers, like it’s a real blog post or something.

Getting Ideas/Inspiration

I don’t know if you already have something you’d like to write about or if you’re still at the “gee that looks like fun” level of fanfic ruminating, but if you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, turning to the existing fandom is a great place to start!

1: Filling in fandom gaps: I’ve found a lot of my best fic ideas by looking through what already existed and seeing where there was something missing; when I first started writing for Camp Camp, literally only @raenbowsofficial created anything for Gwenvid -- it didn’t even have a ship name yet, and I’m pretty sure the 3 people into it were still throwing “daven” and “gavid” around as well -- so there being zero other fics for it meant that if I wanted it to exist, I’d have to be the one to write it. (That’s also nice if you’re kind of insecure, because when no one else has tried the idea you’re interested in, you have no pressure to compare it to anything else.)

Also, you could take a popular/already existing concept and write it the way you’d like to see it, if the existing fanfics do something with the story or characters that you’re not thrilled with. That’s handy because it gives you a general blueprint to work off of in terms of tropes and broad story beats, while letting you explore something new. Obviously, don’t rip off someone else’s fic note-for-note, but being inspired by someone else is a great way to kickstart your creativity! If you do have a specific author or story that you’re using as a jumping-off point for your own writing, I would strongly recommend linking them in your author’s notes at the beginning or end of the fic, and maybe gifting the story to them! You don’t have to, since the creation is entirely your own, but it’s still always nice to acknowledge the people who inspire you the most.

2: Fandom inception. If you want to be a little more direct and literal, there’s always the option of writing fanfic of a fanfic or fanart that you really love, if there’s a universe or story idea that you like, and you want more of it. As long as you give credit and notify the original creator, I think you’d have no issues in terms of fanfic etiquette, and I imagine they’d be honored to have inspired your own writing. Fandom is a very collaborative experience, after all, and we’re all in this together! :)

3. For more general “I have a vague idea of what I want to do (the ship, or maybe a tiny plot bunny) but I’m not sure where to go with it,” my biggest recommendation is music. Especially folk indie-rock music, which is 90% angst and 100% haunting. And again, looking at fanfic/art is a great way to get inspired -- I have a tendency to put up a particularly good or emblematic piece of fanart/fic in another window when I’m working on something tricky to write, just for something to stare at when my ideas start running dry (shoutout to @doritofalls, @ellohcee, and the aforementioned RA for being my go-tos when I need to stare at something pretty to feel inspired; there are absolutely others, because this fandom is filled with absurdly talented people, but those 3 are my heroes of inspiration and if you SOMEHOW don’t already know them, fix that immediately).

Wow, that’s a lot and it’s literally just all about getting an idea . . . which you might already have. Yikes. For the sake of people who have to scroll past this, let’s put the rest under a cut:

Fleshing Out the Idea: An Ode to Outlines

Some people are able to just sit down and write something incredible from a vague idea, and the story just builds on itself without any sort of planning or organization to guide them along the way. These people are named Cipher/Campernetics, and we hate her for being unfairly talented.

For the rest of us, outlines are essential.

My outlines tend to be insanely specific, because I’m very afraid of letting a single idea slip through the cracks, and I build on them over time as I get increasingly sure of where the story’s going. The early outlines tend to be extremely vague, with lots of “and then something happens” connecting major plot points. An example for a current WIP I’m doing right now:

(Seriously, “Julia and everything”? Future Forest is going to be so pissed at current Forest when she reaches that point and realizes she has no idea what she’s doing)

And as the story starts to take shape and a plot eventually forms -- they tend to take at least 10 chapters to materialize, but they do generally show up! One of the great things about fanfiction is that plot is largely optional, though, so no worries if you’re starting without a full story idea -- I find myself writing more and more details down, if for no other reason than that I want to make sure I remember what I was thinking when I finally get to that scene (because I have absolutely gotten to a point in a story and forgotten what I’d had planned. It sucks). Here’s an example from another fic with pretty significant spoilers if you can figure out which one it is oops:

I’d recommend keeping your outlines pretty simple, at least to start with: words and phrases, rather than whole-ass sentences like the above. The complexity will develop as your ideas do, so no need to wrack your brain trying to write out the entire story in bullet form.

I use the bolded ideas as stepping stones, more or less; I’ll write out the piece of the story that each line represents, which can be as little as a sentence or as much as 4 or more chapters (RIP my most recent long-running fic), then delete that line and move on to the next.

Bolding them isn’t necessary, but it does make it easier to differentiate at a glance what needs to be written. If you keep everything in the same hundred-page Google Doc like I do, this is very important.

Your outline doesn’t have to be well-written, and you can 100% use fillers like “and then something happens here.” I do that all the time -- again, another completely different story:

Now, the vaguer things are, the more annoyed Future You will be when it comes time to write whatever it’s bulleting -- there’s a reason I haven’t updated this fic, and it’s because I have zero idea what the everliving fuck “Pinky-and-the-Brain-ing all over the place” means -- but it’s really good for when you’re first getting started sketching out the vague outline of your fic. The more you panic trying to figure out all the twists and details at the very start, the less likely you’re ever just going to sit down and write the damn thing.

(This might be why I don’t write plot-heavy stories, to be fair. Mystery writers very well might have to have it all planned out from the get-go, and I’d recommend chatting with someone who’s a bit less “coffeeshop AU” and a bit more Agatha Christie for that kind of advice.)

Knowing When to Post

There are people that exist, who have amazing self-control, who can wait until their entire story is written and then release it in sections, at regular intervals, until the story is completed.

I am not one of these people, though I try to be with literally every single fic I’ve ever written.

Personally, I do this until I reach a point where I get stuck and need validation, and then post what I have in a giant chunk and then don’t update it for several months. This is almost universally known as the worst way to write fanfics, both in terms of getting interaction from fans and keeping readers from wanting to kill you, and if you have the ability to write the entire thing and sit on it until it’s ready to be shared, you are a hero.

Alternatively, if you can actually stick to a set schedule of writing it as you go and still update with a new chapter every X days, you are not human and I’m terrified of you, because if you find a way to weaponize this power you will rule the world.

Honestly, a good rule of thumb? Post it when you’re ready for people to read it, whether it’s done or not. Not all works will get done, and it seems mean to deny people the delicious little stub you’ve written even if you’re not going to finish it. When you’re happy with what you have -- or are so tired of looking at it that you need to post it or you’ll throw your computer out the window -- just do it and let out a sigh of relief, then either take a few days before going back to writing or just jump in immediately like a goddamn masochist.

(I have tried to get far enough ahead that I can start posting the already-written stuff on a schedule, figuring by the time I’m caught up I’ll have completed the entire story and won’t have any awkward gaps. Ahahahahahahahahaha that has never once worked.)

If you’re not certain about your writing, get a beta! The fandom is full of talented people who’d be happy to read over your work, and if the person you ask doesn’t have the time or spoons, they probably have a few ideas of other people you could reach out to. You don’t need a beta, but it always makes me feel better to have another set of eyes look over my writing before posting, and my beta always catches things I completely missed. Plus, you get a nice taste of that sweet, sweet validation we all crave.

This . . . is a bad guide. Just in general. The advice is . . . not good, and I think it’s largely useless. But I keep trying to think of useful things to add to it and coming up empty, so I hope something in here helped, and if you’d like to bounce your ideas off of someone, feel free to shoot me a message! Talking ideas over with friends is a great way to flesh them out as well, and I am happy to be anyone’s fandom friend.

#ask forest #forestwriting #legit no one is going to read this and i'm not saying that to judge anyone #in fact i'll lowkey judge you if you DO read all of this because why #Anonymous

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hellogmc · 4 years

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A letter to myself

001: heartaches, growing & changes.

A monogamous relationship consists of two partners willing to commit, but what happens if one of them fails to honor the commitment? Either you compromise or you leave. What happens when it becomes a frequent issue? Either you compromise or you leave. What happens when you compromise yourself for the sake of the relationship's longevity? Either you start to believe that you deserve the misery or you leave.

I grew up surrounded by relationships that endure not out of love, but out of… familiarity? guilt? duty? These relationships are held together by one person's urge to be there for their partner that either resents them or they resent. Not the best models, these relationships, but I was raised with the idea that you ought not to give up on the people you love. Nope, never ever ever give up on them. You commit to helping them sort their shit out in hopes of them realizing along the way that you are worthy of their love, attention, or whatever significant thing that they have to offer.

When you are young. It feels so empowering to think that your love can change things, and in little ways it does (how I wish it had greater impact). But then you live your teenage years, university life, the real world, and realize that opening your heart will hurt in ways you won’t be prepared for. Some people will not even know what to do with the love you give. As someone who has fallen in love, I have nothing much to offer in this conversation, but I do know that love- healthy, authentic love- is not supposed to hurt so much. I’m not saying that it should never hurt; the absence of pain and disappointment in a relationship should be seen as an anomaly. The point here is that the world is unfair and nothing is equal, so might as well strive to be in a relationship where the good moments outnumber the bad days.

I think many of us know this and try to aim for this kind of relationship, yet we settle. We convince ourselves that this miserable relationship we’re in counts as love, because even if we’ve been on and off, even if there is lingering resentment, even if there have been instances of abuse and manipulation, we still find our way back to each other and these sacrifices we make so that our lover stays, it builds character. This must mean something, you tell yourself, because it would destroy you even more if suffering doesn’t lead anything worthwhile.

So much of my time has been spent thinking about all of the ways I've been hurt (both on purpose or unintentionally) as there is always a lot to unpack in every wound you continue to pick on, whether consciously or not (also my masochist ass just has to pick the worst topic to dwell on). It doesn't help that I'm not the type to move quickly. I hold grudges, I barely forgive, and it takes me almost a lifetime to move past disappointment. Rumination is my best skill as much as it is my worst one. This is why I feel burdened most of the time, because I know that much of what I carry is what I need to let go of.

It makes me wonder, why make an effort in relationships if there's always that possibility of them leaving? Why should we bother when everything is bound by impermanence? Why should we persist when in the end, all that is waiting for us is death? Well, I don't have objective answers to that, but I choose to believe that it's much better that we try to make the most out of what we have so that we end up not regretting anything. I think that I live for those fleeting moments of relief that come with trying, those moments where you think to yourself, "Wow, I'm glad I made certain choices that led to this."

The stillness is not there for good, sure, and it feels as if it leaves long before I'm able to fully cherish it, but to be intermittently rewarded with peace because I made an effort is enough for me on most days.

I also think that we will always get what we deserve in order to be the best version of ourselves, whatever the hell that means. I think the reason why growing hurts so much is that too often, what we deserve does not always coincide with what we want and what we think we need. We yearn for and ask the wrong people to fulfill our emotional needs. We go after experiences we think will bring us The Ultimate Feeling of Happiness, only to be greeted with the familiar emptiness that we always try so hard to avoid. And it sucks.

I don't have anything to say that will console anyone or me and there's no pep talk that comes after this (I wish there was). I'm just learning to accept that I won't always have the answers when I need them most. Instead of beating myself up for not knowing the solution immediately, I welcome the sadness. I don't avoid it or pretend it does not exist like we've been taught to do. I embrace the sadness, allow it to upset me and make me cry until I can no longer.

-----

This quarantine was extra harsh for you. Dealing with issues that you tried to avoid is emotionally taxing and mentally draining. And of top of that you are recovering from a breakup. I know it’s really hard for you. Most especially we are confined in our own homes so there’s really not much of a distraction. Always remind yourself that this feeling is temporary. That this phase in your life will come to pass. For now embrace that pain and make in linger. After all as the famous author John Green said pain demands to be felt. We can’t really skip the bad days in our life but we should learn to somehow accept that life is fleeting that not everything will come to our way. In this terrifying world all we have is the connections that we make. So don’t go repeat the past mistake that you did. Go make meaningful connections other people. Be brave, go out in your shell and experience the life that is ahead of you.

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madartiste · 5 years

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Deadly Fortune, Book 2, Chapter 00-1 - 15

The chapter numbering for the second book is a little weird because there are a couple 00 numbered chapters that take place before the game starts. It’s mainly stuff for Lady and what she was up to that led her to encounter the Order of the Sword.

Everything is under the cut again.

Link to the translation: https://originaldmc.github.io/DivinityStatue/Downloads.html

Link to the previous section of Notes: https://madartiste.tumblr.com/post/186824600040/deadly-fortune-book-1-chapters-6-11

Stage 00-1 (Before the game -- Lady encounters the Order)

We get some Lady! She's hunting a demon (naturally). She hears a weird noise that sounds more like a machine than a human or a demon. Lady calls out a warning because she doesn't want to accidentally shoot a person. They don't respond to her, so she decides to shoot anyway, and one of the Bianco Angelos blocks the rocket with its shield. She asks if they got lost on their way to a costume party. Though they don't answer, their posture tells Lady they're definitely listening to her. Interestingly, they don't attack her even though she attacked first, but they're still insanely strange and refuse to say or do anything to respond to her.

So she shoots them again. They scuffle a bit, she notices they've got some good gear since the armor can fly and they have motorized spears. She lands a hit and notices there is no blood. Apparently there are sometimes demons with no bodies, though it's very rare, and they can possess things -- 'Like old dolls or torture instruments' (wow). Items with significant emotional attachment to humans are their favorite shells. Lady considers that while medieval armor could possibly be possessed, this armor seems like it is far too new in construction. She also thinks that she's seen the crest that the knights are wearing before but can't remember.

Lady beats the first Bianco Angelo, noticing the blue-white lights that dissipate out of it, and is about to take some of the armor when more show up and surround her. There's a nice part where she thinks that when she was younger, she'd probably pick a fight with them, but now that she's more experienced, she understands her limitations better. She also notices they caught the demon she was after -- it has wings and a face like a dog according to her. Deciding that she doesn't like her odds, Lady hops on her bike after distracting the knights with her rocket launcher. She finds the situation strange, since they definitely could give chase but don't, and wonders why these demons possessing the armor are hunting other demons.

Stage 12 (Credo dies)

Nero is starting to lose himself inside the Savior. At first he feels completely calm and comfortable, but he can't remember who he is and can't move. After a moment, he remembers that he has to save someone.

Dante thinks of Mundus when he sees the Savior fly off. He comments that the bad guys have similar patterns.

Credo wakes up, and Dante does not care about his condition -- which seems harsh, but Dante further ruminates that Credo is a proud guy who wouldn't want sympathy from his enemy. He also is pretty sure Credo is dying. Dante correctly realizes that the plan is to open the gate to the underworld so that Sanctus can play hero. He's not impressed.

Dante thinks this is just like Temen-ni-gru, though that was built by humans. He's not overly concerned about the whole thing because 'the passage to the devil world is only a little longer.' (Not sure exactly what that means.) He also expresses that he doesn't like it when people tell him what to do or try to give him tasks, though he admires Credo's resolve and that he's managed to hold on to his humanity despite becoming a demon.

The way Credo dissolves when he dies isn't typical for a demon, and Dante thinks it's because of Credo's convictions. He thinks 'This must be the way angels sacrificed.'

Dante and Trish only took this job for entertainment which is why they didn't take it seriously. But now they feel obligated to fulfill Credo's dying request. Dante particularly finds humans who use demons to be abhorrent, and he wants to put an end to the Order. There's a line about him not being young anymore and that he's seen a lot of stuff, but Credo's death touched his heart.

Stage 00-2 (Before the game -- Lady learns about the Order)

Lady goes to a collector of supernatural items named John. It seems she doesn't like him much, and his smile creeps her out. There's a note that 'John swayed like a bald-headed man.' Whatever that means. She shows them the coat of arms (the Order's symbol). He says he knows what it is, but doesn't tell her, so Lady bribes him with some 'devil's blood.' She dislikes all the collectors because they try to flaunt their knowledge to her. Also hey remind her of Arkham.

John scoffs at her 'demon blood' because it shouldn't remain in liquid form. It either evaporates quickly after being spilled or crystallizes. But she knows better and tells him to "Forget it." He changes his tune and asks if the blood is real and how it could be liquid. She explains that if demon blood is poured onto a stone statue in a ritual, it can create a liquid demon called a Blood Bat. When the Bat is hit with high heat, it turns back into a stone statue, and that what she's got in her vial is part of the Blood Bat. She offers to let him set fire to the blood since it will turn to stone. And after a while, it will turn back into a liquid.

John tries out the trick and is super stoked. He grabs her hand in his excitement -- which she doesn't care for. John digs into his collection and brings back a book which has the Order's coat of arms on it: "The Teaching Code of the Order of the Sword." Ooooh, Lady saw the symbol in her father's study when she was a little kid. The book is about 4-500 years old, though the Order existed before that.

There's a 'Demon Sociology Group'???

John asks her if she wants a more recent book of their teachings, though it'll be a bit hard to get. He's very, very pleased with her gift, so he's willing to go the extra mile for her this time. Lady thinks there's something seriously shady happening, so she says yes.

Stage 13 (Dante vs the Blitz)

Agnus has been in the Savior during all this, so he visits Sanctus in the control room. The Savior has some automatic functions, but needs a human to do the more complex stuff. He's disappointed in how little Sanctus changed with his transformation, wondering if it's because Sanctus is so old. (There's a good translator's note that says that Angus considers switching between human and devil forms to be a 'passage to heaven.')

Agnus actually finds himself afraid of Sanctus and realizes it's because the old geezer is juiced full of powerful energy. He's ashamed of doubting Sanctus. He thinks that the power of the devil forms is related to the strength of the person's spirit. Interestingly, Agnus admits he is not a devout believer in Sparda. He's more interested in studying devils than he is in following Sparda and mainly used his position to satisfy his scientific curiosity. But seeing Sanctus… he's filled with awe and believes in his vision.

Angus thinks that Sanctus needs a new title because he should rule over not just the human world but the underworld too. (Good luck with that.) He calls him "Emperor of the Devil." Sanctus just laughs and gives him Yamato to go unlock the Hell Gate. Agnus pauses and asks what Sanctus will do about Dante -- which Sanctus thinks should be easy with the Savior.

Sanctus also seems to plan to blame all the insanity that's about to happen on Dante. Dante is unpredictable, Agnus worries that they'll be in trouble if they underestimate him. Aha, Agnus thinks that with Yamato he will have enough strength to beat Dante. (Is there something about Yamato and making people feel powerful??) Now that Credo is dead and he is Sanctus' most trusted confidant, Agnus is feeling pretty ballsy.

Back to Dante: Dante clearly smells demons afoot. There are some funky dark clouds gathering that shoot lightning at a demon. Oh, the Blitz. Interesting note: In Dante's experience, if a demon doesn't have eyes or a nose, it usually has some kind of organ that replaces those functions. Demons without eyes are rare, though the Blitz has really good hearing.

He uses Ebony and Ivory and thinks of Nell Goldstein (awww), remembering her saying that a normal person can't fire their guns like a machine gun -- which is why she designed his guns to handle being fired at an inhuman rate. Dante considers his guns to be partners. He also doesn't normally bring other weapons besides the pistols and Rebellion, but he brought along Coyote-A this time.

Rebellion is the first weapon Dante got, and Sparda trained him to fight with a sword. There's a line about how the sword symbolizes the power to protect a loved one.

Fighting the Blitz, Dante considers that a dying demon's only instinct is destruction, essentially wanting to kill everything around it when it goes. Hence the Blitz blowing itself up.

Stage 00-3 (Lady hires Dante and Trish)

Lady is considering what to do about the Bianco Angelos. They are obviously collecting demons for something, but they don't attack her unless she attacks them first. She debates about going to Fortuna, but isn't keen on the idea, though if the Angelos keep interfering with her hunts, she's losing money and reputation. She's chillin' on the sofa in her own room, thinking about what to do. Demon hunters are pretty rare and scattered around the country, but she knows a few people. Obviously, the person she thinks can deal with this is Dante.

She actually wonders if Dante is his real name because some people call him Tony -- though she knows this was an old alias. She heads out to his place, calls his area of town a 'slum.' Lady strolls into the office without knocking. She thinks that Dante would eat pizza or drink if he has nothing better to do, and that he eats sundaes like a little kid.

Lady doesn't know too much about Trish, only that she used to be Dante's partner and that she's not human. Trish is apparently traveling the world right now, but sometimes swings by Devil May Cry.

Dante turns her job down because he's suspicious of Lady's methods -- she sticks him with the damage fees all the time -- but Lady knows he doesn't really take jobs for the money. He just wants to kill demons. Apparently Trish knows about the Order of the Sword but doesn't say anything.

Lady has her doubts about Dante really being the son of Sparda, and when she asks him how much he knows, Dante says who can know everything about their dad? Lady finds the answer strange even for Dante. He gets his interest hooked at the point that Lady says they worship Sparda like a god on Fortuna. Despite what he'd like, Dante still wants to know about his father.

While she's talking, Trish is picking up the Sparda and some Devil Arms, but Dante doesn't notice. Lady doesn't care who takes the job.

Stage 14 (Dante vs. Echidna)

Agnus is in the Opera House. Only a few people know how to get to the Hell Gate under the building. The secret passage was built way before the Opera House, and Sanctus ordered Agnus to figure out where it was. The Hell Gate directly under the center of the city. Apparently the space is very creepy. He's excited to see the culmination of his research.

The original Hell Gate developed over time, caused by the 'magical difference between the human world and the underworld.' The little Hell Gates Agnus made concentrated magical energy in the area, allowing them to open the the Real Hell Gate all at once.

Back to Dante: He sees all the demons spilling out of the big Hell Gate and says "That's… not good." (Hah!) Even he is apprehensive about dealing with that many demons at once. He also is worried that they won't be able to save all the people.

Dante doesn't usually hang on to his Devil Arms. In fact, he sells them to pay his debts.

He's counting on the Order knights to protect the citizens, so he's focusing on getting back his Devil Arms and closing the small Hell Gates. Dante is confident he can win, but he knows he can't destroy the Savior with Nero inside since that could kill the poor kid.

In Mitis Forest, the air is so dense with demon energy that a normal person would just pass right out. Dante literally is looking forward to 'playing' with some tough demons.

He banters with Echidna, and there's a note that demons who can speak human languages are always chatty and show off. Dante grabs his Devil Arm before the fight in this. I guess there's a question if Gilgamesh is a true Devil Arm (which makes a bit of sense since DMC5 says it's actually a special kind of metal from the Underworld.). Dante Rising Dragon's Echidna and is a bit disappointed that she gets taken out so fast. It sounds like he gets intensely bored fighting demons and does all his showy moves mainly to entertain himself.

Stage 15 (Dante vs. Dagon)

Lady POV: She's on a boat on her way to Fortuna. The sailors can't believe she wants to go there with all the crazy stuff going on. She tells one of them that when she gets there, she'll put a stop to it… probably (she doesn't let them hear that last part). Three days after she left, Trish sent Lady a letter asking her to come by Fortuna in a month to pick her and Dante up. Lady gets attacked by a Mephisto. The sailor's name is Ben, and Lady tries to protect him and the ship.

She beats the demon but a ton more show up. She suggests Ben run to the lifeboat.

Back to Dante: He tries to get frisky with Dagon's ladies who tease him and dart away -- though he's already aware the frog demon is there thanks to the smell. Dagon has similarly poor human speech, like Bael, that Dante can barely understand. He also doesn't know who Dante is -- and Dante's disappointed by that. He asks if Dagon is "from the country."

The demon frogs come out of the hell gate before Dante kills Dagon. He Enemy Steps his way over to the Hell Gate to grab Pandora. To use Pandora's different forms, Dante just has to picture them in his mind. It was either built by or WAS an 'ordinance worker in the demon world.' I'm thinking built by because this demon also built a bunch of other guns. (Was it Machiavelli? Same guy who made Artemis?) Pandora can read the 'memory and the imagination' of the user to change into many shapes. When Trish first saw the Argument form for Pandora, she said Dante is just a big kid. He admits that he probably got the idea from a comic book or movie but still thinks it's cool. Also he got hit with the Omen transformation on accident before. He refers to that as 'tragic consequences.'

Link to the next section of notes: https://madartiste.tumblr.com/post/186847847540/deadly-fortune-book-2-chapters-16-20

#Devil May Cry #DMC4 #Deadly Fortune #My notes

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gasmaskaesthetic · 5 years

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(this is dangerously close to a trip report and as we all know, there is only one good trip report, so feel free to ignore)

Some things that might be real insights from this weekend, and some true things that are shaking loose, making me have feelings:

- I spend a lot of time convinced I'm on the verge of causing great harm to others.

- I spend a lot of time convinced I'm on the verge of being rejected.

- most of the morally wrong or unwise things I've done have been the result of attempts to fix everything before someone else found out I was struggling.

- I have a lot of strong feelings and internal melodrama, but probably not the personality disorders I worry about having. The rumination on whether or not I have certain personality disorders is paranoia and anxiety.

- I forget that other people are regularly managing their own internal melodramas; many normal healthy people have similarly strong feelings. Evidence: like, all of music. Recreational drugs. Art. I'm not uniquely dysfunctional.

- it is true that, in the past, cutting loose or relaxing often led to me neglecting promises or important responsibilities.

- it is not true that this unreliability has caused unique and severe harm to others, most of the time. There are a handful of significant harms and wrongs I have done, but I know what they are.

- I might sometimes ache to be identified as Bad and given a path to absolution - I don't know what to do with this without religion. There is no absolution. (religious friends, this is not an invitation for conversion if you have that impulse)

- when I was six, I Accepted Jesus Into My Heart but I spent the next several months muttering variations on the children's salvation prayer I'd used, just to be certain. This is a symptom of something wrong.

- I am afraid of gifts freely given. I want to be given things, but I can't help believing that when people spend their resources on me, they're secretly recording a debt that I owe. This is a failure to extrapolate from my own experience. I don't treat gifts this way when I give them.

- when people give me things, I ache for reassurance that it's truly nothing to them. I also believe that it is deeply disrespectful to question gifts, and counterproductive if I want to help foster agency in my friends. The conflict is painful.

- in school, I never looked at the questions I'd gotten wrong when tests or homework came back. I saved them out of obligation but at the end of the year, I destroyed them. This is a symptom of something wrong.

- I am intensely self-oriented and I'm sometimes ashamed of it.

- I frequently (though less often now) forget that I can feel okay. The residue of Not-Okay builds up over time, but I can clear it out with psychedelic drugs, controlled amounts of pain, sleep deprivation, certain intensely positive social interactions, jumping into extremely cold water, and getting the chance to care for somebody else. Hypnosis also works, but it feels very submissive and intimate so I can't let just anybody do it to me.

- I still don't feel safe enough to fail, most of the time.

- my mental landscape is full of magical thinking, anthropomorphization, some narcissistic delusions that I'm personally responsible for things that have nothing to do with me, and occasional desperation for people to broadcast Being Okay to me.

- this all used to be much worse. The fact is, I am polarizing, annoying, and flaky at worst. I haven't committed heinous crimes. I've been stupid, but this means I have a lot of empathy for other people being stupid. I've been a little crazy, but have become much less so. I should be less uncertain and more bold.

- I want to put more pressure on the world, take freely-given gifts from people with all of the honest, greedy delight I actually feel, nudge people a little harder a little more often, take the risk of trying to make them laugh. I don't break things nearly as often as I expect to.

I'm not hurting right now. I'm very okay in this moment, which is why I can take out these little knots of pain and look at them directly. This recent trip generated a lot of pleasant things, too. I don't like that after all this work, the knots are still here, but they aren't as here as they used to be.

Most of the knots will keep unraveling with practice, time, and gentleness. Others, I'm not sure what to do with. The recurring desire for absolution is a particularly tricky one.

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eeveelutionsforequality · 5 years

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How 'severe' + random do thoughts have to be to be considered intrusive thoughts? understand that 'lol eat leaf' doesn't count but would certain thoughts that appear only under certain stimulus that practically stop being a problem once that stimulus is removed still count? Even if you know that you would never carry out these thoughts because the chance of the stimulus being present + being able to physically carry them out is impossible. Do those still count as 'intrusive' or just 'annoying'?

It honestly depends entirely on the situation, the presentation of the thoughts, their effect, the stimulus, etc. It's actually very difficult to draw a very distinct and universal line between annoying and intrusive, between no cause for concern and a symptom of an underlying issue. There are situations that are more likely to trigger my intrusive thoughts (such as being outside, being around people, being in the kitchen, and so on), while other times they can arise seemingly with no trigger - but the thoughts are very disturbing and very easily distinguishable as "not things that I'm willingly or consciously thinking, but that keep reoccurring and causing significant distress". Some people's intrusive thoughts are more or less severe than other people's. Ruminations are also something that I get as a symptom of my OCD, and those are thoughts that I am somewhat consciously reinforcing, following, etc, but they still have a negative impact on my life, are invasive, are difficult to escape, and so on. I also wonder what you mean by "knowing", because a lot of the distress from intrusive thoughts can be caused by the sense they can sometimes give you that maybe you would do it, maybe your body would just leap into action and do that thing against your will, if you don't do X, Y, and Z to stop yourself - that isn't a universal experience with intrusive thoughts, but it's common in OCD to have the obsession (in this specific situation manifesting in an intrusive thought) lead to a compulsion (the thing that you feel obliged to do lest bad things happen, such as tapping, counting, flicking a light switch, and so on). What you describe could be an anxiety, a trigger, a phobia, annoying thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and even the most professional of professionals couldn't give you an answer when it's this vague, I'm afraid. They have to be severe enough that they're having a detrimental effect on your well-being - as with almost any symptom, they cause distress and impairment by definition. They don't necessarily have to be random at all though - in fact, it's incredibly common for the topic that is the focus of a person's OCD, and by extension often the topic of their intrusive thoughts, to be something persistently reoccurring and relatively specific and especially stressful to them (for some people it's germs, for others it's murder, for others it's motor vehicle accidents, and so on, and people can also experience more than one specific and persistently reoccurring topic simultaneously as the focuses of their OCD). I hope this helps, and if you have any concerns about yourself or your mental health then please seek professional help in person - it can be difficult to answer questions like this because you need to be wholly aware that these sort of issues need to be discussed in person and with a professional, because self-diagnosis over the internet can be very damaging and dangerous.

#Mod Vaporeon

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roominthecastle · 6 years

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“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.” - Aristotle, The Art of Rhetoric

Well, look at that ancient Greek dude rolling out a pitch-perfect summary of - what I currently consider to be - Liz’s core issue on TBL. My core issue is that I cannot keep things brief, so I’ll poke this some more bc damn S5 was so much better than I expected, and it left me with an urge to try and sort this canon mess into sth I can swallow.

What’s the deal with Liz, why is her relationship with Red in such a terrible shape at the end of S5, and why is that a likely promise of better things to come?

It’s possible to look at this deterioration as a more or less continuous (organic!) process that reaches back at the very beginning; a process to which both characters have contributed their fair share over the years and now they are reaping the consequences and setting themselves up for a potentially healing collision.

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer with closely-guarded secrets and a pervasive guilt-complex. Putting them together is like putting mints in a bottle of coke: even on a perfect sunny day it's the kind of fun that leaves a mess.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence. When Red scales things back (i.e. stops going on guilt-trips whenever others don’t feel like facing the consequences of their actions), it only makes things worse. This is the dark side of their intense "lock and key" dynamic, the deep angst pit that has been fore-fronted since S3B due to a rapid sequence of betrayals Red suffers from those closest to him. Tom triggers both empathy and repulsion in him, which in turn feeds his self-hatred and prompts him to keep enabling Liz out of guilt, creating an unsustainable bubble that finally bursts in S5.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red it’s still obsession and rumination. At any given time Liz works off of a partial image of him, which is less about him keeping things from her and more about her purposefully ignoring parts of him in a misguided and doomed attempt to keep an illusion of safe simplicity (she does this with Tom, too). Meanwhile Red displays clear signs of compassion fatigue, which comes with its own destructive habits and distortions of reality.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons. This simple truth has been a background tension factor in the Red/Liz relationship from the get-go. It’s mirrored in Red’s earlier troubles with Madeline and in Liz’s “Tom problem”. It keeps them united yet out of sync, which leads to misunderstandings, doubts, and quite a lot of friction.