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student-in-nightraven · 1 year

Note

Oh ooo ok

So imagine Yuu/the reader has/had a twin back in their world that they havent talked about but miss dearly and they find comfort in being around the tweels

Eventually they confide this in Floyd and Jade and the two basically go "well I guess we have to adopt you now."

God I am a sucker for found family. Yk how it is.

So sorry for the late reply❗I was going through a huge burnout but not to fret I'm back! (Atleast I hope so) thank you for the request dear annon!!

Platonic

A fish of family

Having been in a whole other universe wasn't all just adventure and wonder, it also tugged you away from your family and friends such as being your twin, growing up with a twin always was exciting and never lonely, always having a friend close by but that all faded when you got transported to another universe, worse part was it being a school and you having to worry about schoolwork rather than how to get back to your world and to your family.

"____ come on were gonna be late and it's gonna be off with our heads so hurry up" ace called out standing next to deuce impatiently awaiting

"give me a minute to put the shoes on" you replied annoyed as you stood up ready to go.

Sure being in NRC wasn't boring, and luckily it helped to take your mind off of your twin so you would've have to grieve all the time. during your stay in NRC you came across the Tweels, 2 inhumanly tall clinically insane twins. Of course they gave you the goosebumps too but when they reminded you of you and your twin you couldn't help but let the worries fall away and form a small smile at the memories that flooded within you, you never told them, of course, there wasn't exactly a reason to but you did grow closer to them as they were too intrigued by your "not triggered by them" demeanour.

Floyd was drying glass clean with a cloth standing behind the counter with Jade, as he looked up he spotted you a smile formed on his face

"ahh look Jade it's shrimpyy" "oh? Indeed they are, good eye floyd", the taller eel put the glass down not paying attention to jade's comment started skipping towards your table.

You had decided to go to the mostro lounge to try and keep your mind off of your twin thinking being in that beautiful place would keep your worries away. As you sat down and absorbed the menu you saw a dish that looked like the one you and your twin used to enjoy, you grimaced and your eyebrows knitted at that "ughh great I thought I'd get away from the thoughts but it's just coming to me"

Flipping to the next page trying not to think about it, tho that failed as all you could do was think about the fun times you spent with your twin, tears started to form in your eyes as you got mad that you couldn't keep them in, soon you heard heavy footsteps approaching you to which you panicked trying to wipe the tears from your face as fast as possible

"Little shrimpp~ your backk how are you doing?" He asked as you tilted your head up to him forcing a smile, he's own smile faded at that as his eyes widened"Shrimpy are you crying?" "Huh? No I'm not I just have allergies you know how it is, I've been sneezing the whole day" you replied as to which he frowned "yeah you can trick your dumb friends with that but I can tell lies, i work with azul shrimp" you groaned and put your head on your arms,soon the other twin approached "What's going on here? Did you make the prefect cry Floyd?" Jade raised a brow to Floyd "Ehh? no! I just walked up to them and noticed they were cryin about something" he replied "a penny for your thoughts prefect?" "It's nothing just family stuff" "you have a kid?-" "NO OF COURSE NOT" you yelled at Floyd at that assumption, "*sigh* sorry for the outburst I'm just overwhelmed is all, really you should go back to your duties so that Azul won't rip his hair out again" you said chuckling a bit at the end, "Oh please we have plenty of time to spare, things do get quite boring and who's Azul if he doesn't lose it once in a while?" Jade said looking at his brother who smiled and nodded at you, you chuckled and jade and Floyd sat Infront of you "Now, do tell us what's troubling you prefect"

You told them about your twin and how it's been tough to keep remembering about the memories, to your surprise jade and Floyd listened and actually looked like they felt bad? Jade took your hand "I had no idea you had a twin, and I'm terribly sorry about your situation I can't imagine what it's like to be far from your twin"

"Yeah! I mean I get bored and ticked off when me and jade don't have classes with eachother more than twice so being far from your twin for more than thatm.m sheesh" he shivered and hugged your side

"thanks for understanding, really, I needed to get this out" you smiled, jade and Floyd shared a look then smiled "I see well then, me and Floyd have to go now, we'll see you soon, till tomorrow prefect" jade said as he got up waiting for Floyd, "see ya shrimpp" Floyd said as he waved he's hand.

You sat there deciding to order something and leave soon so you could sleep early.

The next day you were going to chemistry class but soon stopped when 2 tall eels stood in your way "oh hi guys" you looked up "hellp prefect/ahoy shrimp" "we got you something" jade said as he holded his hand out to Floyd, Floyd put a box in his palm and jade turned to you giving the box to you. "What's this?" You asked "open it and you'll see" jade answered smiling

You raised a brow and opened the box, in the box you saw one earring, similar to the one Floyd and jade wore. "Oh wow this is very generous of you but, why?" "You're part of the family now shrimp" Floyd said grinning "indeed,the earrings we wear symbolises family, and from now on you're part of it jade replied smiling at you with closed eyes. You started sniffing and you brought an arm up to hold the tears in

"shrimp? Why're you crying?" "Prefect, is everything alright" they asked worried

"actually it's better than okay, thank you both so much, this means a lot for me, thank you" you said smiling at them Floyd laughed out of happiness and squeezed you as jade hugged you as well "Hehe we have a triplet now Jade" "seems that we do Floyd"

The end

This was so adorable I can't🤧 literally thank you for this request it was amazing, have a good week dear annon 🫶

#twisted wonderland #platonic #floyd leech #jade leech #floyd leech x reader #jade leech x reader #octavinelle #twst

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morislucidstories · 9 months

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In your pinned post, I'm curious to know what's going on with the bat dragon person and who might be you holding your cat? Poking around the blog hasn't gotten me answers. Or maybe answers are there and I'm just hungry and tired.

I had this whole thing written with pics on my phone, and then the wifi flaked and the whole things became lost into tumblr's void when I hit post, so this is the 2nd version. ;-; But this version has more images so it's objectively better.

That's not me in the image. That's Lily Mills, the main character of one of my original comics I post on Tapas and Webtoons Canvas. Pine Barrens Super Natural is based on the legends I grew up hearing from my family about the New Jersey Pine Barrens/Pinelands, and shojo romance comics. Lily is a mix of me and my sibling from when we were young -that's why she looks like me (and Lyly if you know what they look like from MtW.)

The series blurb & summary of Ch 1&2: Lily Mills and her dad, Don Mills, have just moved into the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. On their first night there, Lily is attacked by monsters that should only exist in legends. Luckily, another super natural monster also rescues her. There's definitely some connection to the super natural hidden in Lily's past, and it's going to a lot harder for it to stay hidden now that she finds herself surrounded by all sorts of Super Natural things.

Here is the full version of the cover with the logo:

This comic is actually a reboot of the original comic I started when I was 15-16 in my Sophomore year of Highschool. (It was made on notebook paper.) When I started it I didn't really have a plan for where it was going until around chapters 15-20, so this reboot is taking a lot of loose ends and either cutting them out or adapting them to work with the plot. It's taking me so long to make because I'm struggling with burnout, and I'm now past most of the mental issues I was using it to process so sometimes working on it puts be make into that worst head space. With Lyly's help as my editor we have rewritten and redesigned the parts that cause me problems so once I get back into it, I should be fine.

The little kitty thing is Mascot. He normally appears at the bottom chapters with the credits, in the cover images, and sometimes pops up in chapters with author's notes and comments.

((If anyone wants to head canon any of my characters as neurotypical just know that it is head canon and not supported by anything in the plot -or me))

Below this point are more character descriptions, but just know that most involve spoilers for things that happen after Ch2. I didn't spoil the biggest things just a few things that lead up to them.

The devil catboy is Damian Leeds the son of the Jersey Devil (TJ) and a human (Nancy). I grew up hearing many different stories about the Jersey Devil with many different depictions so this version is a polymorph, and so is his son. Damian is able to change between human, Neko Mimi, and full furry forms. Lily does not know that the Kitty Devil that saved her is Damian. Damian gets a massive crush on Lily. He's very emotionally secure which makes him a great support as a friend, but he also struggle with recognizing that others won't respond to stress the same way he does.

Nancy Leeds works at the local Super Natural Animal Wildlife Reserve. She is also Don's new boss. SN stuff is kept secret from the populace.

Even though Lily and Damian are the central 2 characters, the readers have pretty unanimously voted Erik as the fan favorite. They are a mix of many of the friends I had growing up. She is nonbinary and uses all pronouns. He is a huge nerd, lover of chaos and cringe. When not in the school building, Erik wears a beanie their brother made them that reads "I ♥️ Emo Boys." She's the heart of the group without question.

Alex is Erik's older brother. He is a huge anxiety gay, and introvert. He prefers letting others take center stage while he watches. This does mean he's prone to bottle things up. Luckily he's the type to go to his friends for help after isolating to process. He hasn't had many appearances yet, but what has been revealed is that he really likes fashion and sewing. He has also been weirdly touchy with Lily and even he doesn't know why. The most recent chapter and the next few will have him as a focus.

(Alex and Erik are half Italian, half Columbian American. This hasn't had an opportunity to be brought up in the story yet. I had a bunch friends that were Columbian. Their extended family and specifically their grandparents were very like my Italian grandparents. So I made these two a mix of those just like they are mixes of many friends I had growing up. Even though I've had these characters for half of my life, I have never been able to decide on a last name for them.)

The last of the friend group is Mike Sasha Keith Apple Gate. In the OG version I made in Highschool, I had 3 characters that all played the same role at different times throughout the story so I mixed them into 1 person and introduced him in the plot much sooner. He too hot to remain single and keeps ending up in unwanted romantic relationships. MSK has anger management problems while also completely failing at defending his own boundaries. He has a grudge against Damian and the why hasn't been revealed yet. He's author's favorite and you can tell because of how much effort I put into his outfits and hair. Lastly, it has been revealed that MSK can see Super Natural Energy. It is through his eyes that it's also revealed that Alex's behavior around Lily is cause by an energy around her.

((Since I've been making it slowly over many years you can easily see the evolution of my art through this comic))

#mori answered #pine barrens super natural #oc #original character #webcomic #pbsn spoilers

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dutchsbigolhands · 1 year

Text

Heart of Thorns

Chapter 2

Word count: 4k

tags: nsfw, smut, sex, bdsm, dom/sub, fingering, rope play, biting, praise, smacking/spanking, table sex

Cover page

Read on AO3

You cried horribly at the feeling of teeth sinking into the skin of your neck. You dug your nails into the back of the man nestled into the crook of your neck. He’d never bit you so hard before. You wouldn't be surprised if he drew blood.

But you didn’t care, the sharp pain only added to the intense pleasure of his cock thrusting hard and deep into you. Your heels dug into his back and your hand tugged at his curls, horribly desperate for the man over top of you.

“That’s it darling,” he praised breathlessly into your ear. You whined at his words, arching your back and pushing your chest into his, needing to be impossibly closer.

Every jut of his hips threatened to send you over the edge and crying out his name. Despite the rapid movements against your cunt, he held you gently, pushing the hair out of your face, drinking in the reactions you made to him.

But then rustling and shuffling all around you pulled you out of your thoughts. You weren’t there, no. People were gathering their things and leaving the lecture hall. Your laptop in front of you showed an open, but blank document.

Did you really miss the entire lecture?

You swiftly gathered your things and joined the hurried crowd, cursing yourself as you did. You’d been so distracted ever since that first day Dutch had taken charge, and every meeting since then only distracted you further. Somehow now, you were daydreaming so hard you were missing whole classes.

You knew this was a problem, but had no quick solution. He was your biggest money maker at the moment in your ever-increasing rent and school fees, so you could handle the distractions for now. Besides, you shared most of your classes with your closest friend.

“Mary, wait up!” You called down the hall, turning the heads of the students around you. Luckily she hadn’t gotten to far and you were able to catch up with her as she waited for you with a smile.

You always thought Mary was gorgeous. She was always well kept, standing out against the burnout students whose last problems were their appearance-you included. It was apparent that she carefully coordinated her outfits with the expensive wardrobe she owned. She made it look absolutely effortless. You always held a bit of jealousy of her, but never let it manifest. She was just lucky.

Her parents were highly successful and possessed a lot of money that Mary seemed to be free to use. You believed she was the only person in the whole university that was paying for college genuinely. In general, you were either born with money or had to find it by whatever means necessary.

“I’m going to need the notes from that lecture,” you said casually. Her dark eyebrows drew together.

“You need the notes for a class you were in?” She said with a laugh. You smiled through the heat that rose to your cheeks.

“Yeah, uhm, I may have zoned out a bit,” you said, laughing nervously back at her.

“Sure, I’ll share them with you,” she said, a playful hint in her voice. “If you tell me what’s got you so distracted.”

Your face and neck flooded with embarrassment. There was in no way in hell you could tell her. You hated to think about it, but you imagined she kept you around under the impression that you were innocent like her: that you weren’t involved in any of the shady activities that ran rampant. And you loved having her as your friend. She was perfect, almost unnervingly so. It would crush you to lose her.

So the way you made money was something she could never know.

“It’s nothing,” you lied through your teeth and she hummed at you.

“That was such a blatant lie that I’m not sure I can be mad,” she responded. “You don’t have to tell me now, but I will find out at some point, deal?” You smiled weakly at her.

“Alright, fine,” you agreed, but with no intention of actually telling her. You’d cross that bridge when you got to it.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you rushed to see what it was, expecting an email about a recent paper you’d turned in. However the text you received drained the blood from your face.

Dinner tonight, 6:30. Don’t be late darling.

You gritted your teeth then quickly shoved your phone back into your pocket. Mary wore a coy smile when you looked back at her. You could already tell this was going to be a difficult secret to keep.

“Who is it?” She teased. You swallowed, willing yourself to act natural.

“Oh no one,” you teased back with feigned innocence. Mary laughed loudly at you as you both continued on your ways.

Dinner was amazing as usual, his cooking still somehow surprising you. From just looking at him, you honestly wouldn’t think he’d put such care into something as trivial as food.

No matter how good it tasted, though, you were still frequently distracted by the man in front of you. He wore his usual attire topped with a deep red tie around his neck. His sleek black hair sat neatly over his head, not a strand out of place. You wondered if you’d get the chance to mess up his carefully styled hair. You wondered if you’d be able to cut yourself on how sharp his facial features were. You imagined how his stubble feels against your thigh…

As you lost yourself taking in his appearance, you found yourself meeting his piercing stare: dark eyes boring into you. Your heart leapt, not realizing how long you’d been staring. You broke the stare quickly, but still found his smirk in the corner of your eye. Luckily, that was all he made of the situation as you continued eating.

When you finished the food off your plate, you set your silverware down and gazed everywhere in the room except for him. He had a nice place, small enough to feel cozy, but not too small to feel cramped. The house seemed to be somewhat old, the decorations a bit outdated (and a bit dusty). It weirdly juxtaposed the nature of the man in front of you.

“All done dear?” He asked, standing from the table. You nodded silently at him and caught his sly expression as he took the plate from you. Your heart picked up, knowing from experience what was to come after dinner.

Dessert, you thought crudely, but you knew it wouldn’t be as sweet.

You waited impatiently in your seat as he brought your plate to the sink. You drew a shaky breath as you heard his footsteps approaching from behind you. He came around the side of you and leaned against the table. You always felt so small when he gazed down at you from over you.

“You remember the rules?” He asked simply, crossing his arms. You swallowed, hoping to clear the anxiety in your voice.

“Yes sir,” you said, the phrase becoming much too familiar on your tongue.

“Good,” he purred with a devilish smirk. He paused, giving you a moment to try to read him, to try to snuff out his plans for you. But you knew it was no avail, reading him was like reading a full length novel in a foreign language. “Get up and take off your clothes.”

The bluntness of his statement made your heart skip a beat. You hesitated, still startled by his sudden command, but did as you were told before he became too impatient. You tried not to meet Dutch’s piercing gaze as you removed your clothes. This was something you did often: removing your clothes in front of a willing audience, but something about Dutch made you shy and timid about doing so. You did your best to give him the show he seemed to want through your anxiety, though.

He let out a satisfied hum as your panties joined the rest of your clothes in the pile on the floor. He still leaned against the table, arms crossed and eyes following the shape of your body. He appeared as if he was judging a work of art, deciding if it was worth his time or not. You diverted your eyes, your face impossibly hot in the chilly room.

“Turn around darling,” he said after a moment, his voice somehow gentle despite the darkness to his gaze. “Keep your eyes on the wall.”

You turned with a shaky breath, Dutch slowly leaving your view. You didn’t need to see him to know he was still tracing over your form, you could feel it. Your hair stood on end in anticipation.

Soon, you heard him shuffle, and felt the heat of his body right behind you. God you wanted to look back, to try and read that impossible book, but you knew better. You’d follow his commands, no questions asked, the way he wanted.

Without warning, your wrists were pulled together behind your back. Your breath halted suddenly at the harsh movement. You then felt the familiar sensation of a rope winding around your wrists and struggled to keep your eyes forward. You swallowed, realizing he must have had the rope on him the whole time. He sat across the table from you, rope in his pocket knowing how he was going to use it. Your head was swimming at the implications this brought.

When the movement around your wrists stopped and your arms were immobile, you felt the warm but rough presence of a hand on your waist. You followed this presence up your back, over your shoulder, then around your neck. You lifted your head, allowing him to grab a hold of your throat with a light squeeze. He leaned in close to your ear.

“You better be good for me this time,” he muttered, breath hot on your skin. “I won’t go easy on you next time you inevitably break the rules.”

You leaned against him, your legs growing weak and your head becoming light from the hold around your neck. You could only imagine what he meant, but you were ready for it, perhaps even eager for it. He’d gone easy on you longer than you’d expected.

“I will sir,” you said shakily. Another warm hand grazed the skin over your ribcage, then smoothed over your stomach.

“Prove it, darling.” The hand on your stomach descended further until it parted your thighs and found your impatient cunt. You whined as he slipped a finger through your folds slowly.

He circled his finger around your clit slowly, causing a long groan to leave you. Already you were worked up and horribly wet for him. Just from stripping and being bound, you reminded yourself. You shuddered, the realization of just how much he got to you starting to manifest. You pushed that thought away, tuning into the way his hand worked you.

The slow deep strokes he made against your cunt grew frustrating, the friction he created simply too little. You wondered if he could just fuck you right then with how wet you already were with need. But you knew he wouldn’t. He seemed to enjoy playing with you beforehand and that’s exactly what he was doing.

You pushed your hips downwards, hoping to find that extra bit of pressure. However, he removed his hand completely and squeezed the grip around your throat tight.

“Impatient today are we?” He taunted into your ear. “Keep still, you’ll only cum when I allow you to. I won’t be so gracious next time.”

“S-sorry sir,” you squeaked against the strong grip over your throat. His grip loosened then his hand slowly returned to your middle. You were beginning to feel grateful for the hand around your neck as it kept you upright as your muscles grew weaker.

Your legs wobbled and threatened to give out as he worked his fingers around your cunt with more persistence. You were biting back moans and found yourself clutching onto the fabric of Dutch’s shirt with your bound hands. He was still drawing out his movements, no doubt to watch you squirm as he held control of you with both hands.

You were growing more desperate for release, frustrated moans escaping your lips. Suddenly, Dutch found a rhythm that made your orgasm build so rapidly, you squealed. Your legs trembled and you struggled to keep them stable. Between panting moans, you found your voice.

“A-ah, I’m gonna fall, Dutch,” you squealed. Without a second in between, the hand left your cunt and swiftly smacked your thigh. You cried out, the sudden sting wonderfully startling. Your legs gave out, knees buckling beneath you. Dutch wrapped an arm around your waist to keep you from hitting the ground completely. He paused for a moment, holding you as you whimpered quietly.

“Are you okay?” He asked. It was a serious, but stupid question frankly. You were more than okay. You were exhilarated, excited. You almost wanted him to strike you again, and you were mostly sure that he would.

“I guess you could say that,” you played with a weak laugh. Dutch let out a low, mischievous chuckle and helped you stand back up straight. He rubbed his hand delicately over your thigh, soothing the sting.

“What a filthy thing you are,” he muttered, his breath back against your ear. You couldn’t help the smile that graced your lips at those words. Your heart raced faster to that than any of the endearing names he used. What was happening to you?

He started slow again, your overly sensitive middle aching for more. It wasn’t long before your orgasm built again. Perhaps he was growing impatient himself as his strokes grew deeper and faster. You were panting as your mind grew more lustful with every move on his fingers. Your focus on standing was quickly fleeting.

Dutch’s heavy breath was hot against your ear as you finally came hard against his hand. He had to hold you upright with a grip around your shoulders as your legs became useless beneath you. You shuddered, waves of pleasure spreading through your whole body. Dutch drank in every loud moan you gave to him, humming back to you.

“Good girl, good fucking girl,” he praised as his hand continued to work you through your orgasm. He relented when your moans turned to quiet hums of pleasure. You regained use of your legs and slowly put your weight back on them.

Now that you could think a little clearer, you realized the strength required to keep you upright like that. You tuned into the strong grip he still had on you, bathing in the comfort it brought you that he’d used that strength to keep you safe. Your senses ignited, overwhelmed with the need for the man holding you tightly.

“I need you,” your voice acted before your mind, startling you. You closed your mouth promptly, hoping to stop any other thoughts from wandering out.

“What was that darling?” Dutch teased, a mischievous smile present in his voice. You shook your head, too embarrassed by your words to repeat them. He struck your thigh, the opposite one this time, and you squealed.

“Ah- I need you!” You cried. He gently rubbed the area he just smacked before continuing.

“That’s what I thought,” he teased with a chuckle. In a swift and forceful motion, you were shoved face down onto the table you’d eaten dinner at moments ago. You cried and squirmed under the strong hand pinning you down between your shoulders. The cold of the table on your exposed skin made you shiver.

“Don’t you move,” he growled, slowly removing his hand from your back. After hearing the familiar clink of him undoing his belt, you let out a hot shaky breath. You loved hearing that sound.

Soon, you felt the head of his cock prod at your entrance. You whined, anxious to have him inside you. He slid his cock over your folds causing your muscles to tense in anticipation.

“This what you want dear?” He taunted, voice hovering over you.

“Yes sir,” you breathed, subconsciously jutting your hips backwards towards him. You were somehow so needy for him. You were then met with a hard strike to your ass, harder than the ones on your thighs, and you cried out loudly.

“So disobedient…” he growled, grabbing a tight hold of your hip. “I wonder if you even deserve it.”

You whined, trying to keep your composure as every inch of your body ached for him to fuck you. All your focus went to keeping yourself still through your protesting muscles.

“Please,” you begged, embarrassed, but too swayed by your lust to care.

“Please, what, darling?” He teased. He knew exactly what, that asshole.

“Fuck- just fuck me sir, please,” you said, frustration apparent in your voice. Dutch let out a low growl.

“Very well, my dear,” he said, arousal becoming more apparent in his breathless voice.

With a hand around the back of your neck, pinning you to the table, he pushed into your slowly. You moaned loudly, your nerves still overly sensitive from your previous orgasm and Dutch’s teasing words. He stretched you just perfectly, filling you with the pleasure you craved.

He stalled once he bottomed out, running a gentle hand down your back before pulling out and slamming into you. You cried out, the forceful movement sending a thrilling jolt through you. He repeated this a few times before setting a demanding pace into your cunt. You moaned against the table, mind unraveling as he thrust into you just as you begged for.

His hands found their way to your arms, still bound behind you. He grabbed them roughly, pulling you back into every thrust of his hips. Your head shot up, his cock reaching impossibly deeper and hitting that especially sensitive spot within you. You eyes rolled back as your orgasm built quickly

The pleasure built higher and higher as he drove his cock harder and harder into you. You were teetering on the edge, every thrust threatening to send you over. Then you did, walls clutching around his cock that continued to slam into you. Dutch let out a low growl, watching and feeling you come undone underneath him. You cried out with shaking muscles, giving him the exact performance he was hoping for.

Dutch slowed as you came down from your orgasm, still panting and trying to regain and ounce of composure. Then you realized, he hadn’t cum yet. Somehow through that, he was still hard and ready for more. He leaned down, his voice next to your ear again.

“You came so quickly dear,” he growled, sending a shiver down your spine. “And I’m not even close to being done with you.”

You were acutely aware of your surroundings as you stared blankly at the TV. It was playing some sort of old black and white movie you weren’t paying any attention to. Instead, you were in your own head, wondering why you were still in Dutch’s house.

He’d offered on day one for you to stay as long as you’d like, but you’d never taken him up on that offer. You had taken your cash and left out the door, but appreciated the courtesy no one else seemed to have. But now, for some reason, you’d ended up on the couch in the living room curled up with an all-too-soft blanket, and Dutch hadn’t asked you to leave. In fact, he sat with you on the opposite end of the couch.

You found yourself stealing frequent glances at him out of the corner of your eye. He’d changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants (a very strange sight, you thought) and was smoking a cigar silently. Smoking was something you’d never liked even though everyone seemed to do it nowadays. Cigars were a rarity in the scene, but that didn’t make you like them any more. To you, it was just another addictive trend made to profit off the susceptible. The more you looked, the more reason you found to hate it.

But Dutch made it look like an art. He smoked as if he was posing for a painting: his arm propped up on the arm rest of the couch, his deft fingers loosely wrapped around the cigar hovering next to his face. You watched him carefully, still out of the corner of your eye, as he took a long drag then slowly let the smoke out of his mouth. Your heart fluttered and you watched the cloud dissipate into the air.

You sighed and shifted on the couch, becoming more and more-and perhaps too-comfortable in your spot. The longer you sat here, the easier it became to stay. You couldn’t stay all night, you knew that, but something was just so comforting about being here. Even as the man that had smacked you around sat a foot away from you.

Maybe it was him that made you so comfortable.

“You seemed to enjoy yourself tonight,” Dutch broke the everlasting silence. It could’ve been a few minutes or a few hours that you sat with him without saying a word, you didn't know. You were quite content, though, staying in that silence.

“I suppose I did,” you said casually. You enjoyed yourself tonight more than he could know. Somehow, tonight taught you more about yourself than the very first night he’d experimented with you.

Looking back on it, you couldn’t believe the things you did moments ago. Begging, shrieking, cumming so many times you were drooling. These things were only supposed to happen in your wildest fantasies, not in real life, right?

But it did happen, and it was driving you wild thinking about it. You walked a line of shame and euphoria as you reminisced. It was honestly embarrassing and somewhat frightening how easy it was for you to submit to this man, but you knew for a fact you’d keep doing it.

Dutch laughed, catching your attention. Your breath halted as you watched him smile, genuinely. You were used to the devious smirks he gave you, but this. This was different. The flash of his teeth and the way his skin crinkled around his eyes…your heart fluttered.

“I know you did,” he said with a playful lit in his voice. You laughed despite the embarrassment on your cheeks. He sounded so sure of himself, but you’d play his little game.

“Yeah? How do you know?” You played back. He seemed to enjoy the returned banter as he flashed his teeth again. He shrugged casually and set down his cigar in the tray on the end table next to him.

“You’re still here,” he said, gesturing to you. Your face fell. It wasn’t the fact that you begged him to fuck you, no, that could be faked for the sake of money and he knew that. But to be sitting with him, enjoying his company…

He had you figured out.

You suddenly felt horribly exposed to him, more exposed than when you’d removed your clothes in front of his eyes. You felt the sudden fear that he knew everything about you: that your darkest fears and desires were abundantly clear to him.

You swallowed hard, hoping to quell that irrationality. Thankfully though, you were able to find the motivation to leave. You knew you shouldn’t stay too long, and it was starting to feel too long.

“I’m going to get going,” you said after a pause of tense silence-tense to you at least. Dutch shrugged and picked his cigar back up as you shrugged off the blanket you’d wrapped up in.

“Suit yourself dear,” he said as you stood and gathered your things. “Be careful getting home.”

You left his place without another word. You weren’t bitter, of course not. You knew you’d be back, but all you knew at that moment was that you had to leave. It was as if you were a deer running off after hearing the snap of a twig.

But as you ran off from the facade of danger, your heart raced, and you honestly wished you had stayed longer.

#red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption #dutch van der linde #dutch van der linde/reader #dutch/reader #fanfiction #fanfic #red dead redemption fanfiction

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abcitycake · 2 years

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This is something I’d like to share when it comes to ableism. I was diagnosed with autism in my sopmore year. They had to accommodate me in order to graduate, I had difficulty paying attention and understanding my work in classes. Thankfully I was able to leave school. Skip to university, my passion was wanting to learn Japanese, and a dream to get a degree and move to Japan to teach English. But instead my only options there was “office skills” I got it done but didnt use anything with it. That was in 2010-2011. For the next 10 years, I didnt know what to do. My only chance in getting to learn what I wanted was out the window. My dad made me promise if I could handle regular classes without as much accommodations, I could go to the school to learn Japanese. But unfortunately I did fail. The subjects and classes weren’t difficult to understand, it was the homework that needed to be done online, and it was very confusing, so I failed. I am forever disappointed that my passions were disregarded, and forced to do something i wasn’t comfortable with. For the next 5 years- my parents toxicity towards me became worse. I ran away a couple of times in 2017 just to get away from them. I went to a women’s shelter for a week. Risked homelessness just to get away from them. But I finally got my own place, and have been here ever since. I have been here for nearly 5 years this October. I did work. But around 2018, I noticed my energy would slow down and I couldn’t stand on my feet for more than 3 hours. I been working with my dads business since 15, so about a decade. I think this was my first experience with “burnout”. I was luckily given smaller hours and not do tasks such as taking customer orders. I have a processing issue, I either dont understand something right away, or i processed it too quick. In May of 2019, I quit my job of 13 years.

My dad and his coworker that he treated like as a “teacher’s pet” began to micromanage me. That time was when summer vacation was fast approaching, and it would get hot around 9 to 10 am. I WAS GOOD at my cleaning job for the outside, and i was trying to do it as fast and best I could. But they brought me back out, and said I didnt sweep the flower petals right, (We had a tree that would drop flowers in the spring and summer) and my dad took the blower with this tone I always hated; and I started to cry right there. They left, I go back in the bathroom to cry and decided: I’m DONE. I finished washing the dishes for the last time and try to slip away without the coworker knowing, I was going to tell her when I got home. But she caught me, and was FURIOUS.

She said the most vile horrible things- such as along the lines of; “Be lazy, have no job then” “Text your dad that you’re quitting your job, and your name is Tammy, THATS your new name, now!”

She meant, and compared me to my MENTALLY ILL AUNT. Who can’t work because of mental illness. I refuse to associate with her ever since. She of course, pretended nothing happened when i would stop by there- and ofc seems to have forgotten. But I, never will.

Skipping to this past January, 2022. My mom and I were on the way to visit my sister, and celebrate my 30th birthday. She brings up I should “go back to work”. Just her saying that made my blood boil.

“You’re still so young, you should be working”

“Go to (mentions this store) for work”

“You dont have to go back to a restaurant place”

Even when I said I quit working at the job I went to after my dad’s business, because of TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT, SHE BRUSHED IT OFF.

One of my only explanations to why she wanted me to work again is simply because “you need a social standing” “you’re young” “Your sisters work, so you can too”

Made me so fucking angry. This woman is AWARE, of my disabilities, or doesn’t seem to know I HAVE LIMITED Time standing around before I shut down after 3-4 hours on a job, and I was treated HORRIBLY, for the last 3 years of my time working.

Oh, and it doesn’t stop there. To hammer the final rusty nail on the coffin, this happens:

On the way home after having my birthday, my mom asks about my niece and if was nice seeing her; and I said

“Yeah just don’t Iike the screaming she does (keep in mind she’s not 2 years old yet)”

I have sensitive hearing, and I cant be around kids often due to that,

SHE RESPONDS AN SAYS “Well you were like that too at that age, and it hurt our ears”

This fucking bitch GASLIGHTS ME FR THINGS I DID AS A CHILD IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, BC IF YOU CONSIDER THAT TIME I WAS AUTISTIC BEFORE GETTING DIAGNOSED, I would only scream and cry to communicate.

SHE CONTINUES TO BERATE ME FOR CALING HER TOXIC IN THE PAST AND AT THAT POINT I PUT ON MY HEADPHONES TO BLOCK OUT HER HURTFUL BULLSHIT.

That’s probably going to the the last time in a long, long time, I will ever go with my family to celebrate my birthday. As of now, I have my YouTube channel. It’s been rough the past few months and I lost my monetization, but when I get it back I’ll plan my own goddamn trips by myself, or in the future with my beloved, sweet girlfriend.

#ableism #fuck ableists #stop being ableist #autism #autism discrimination #toxic parents #gaslighting

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letsplayballet · 1 year

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alright, losing my mind about october 3rd in my persona 5 royal replay in 3, 2, 1, go!

first off, this whole thing SUCKS. hearing the vice principle talk about a dead girl and her grieving sister as "wastes of effort" is so infuriating i don't have the words. why is this school the absolute worst (but also why isn't is further out of the realm of possibility)

but onto the important bits that i missed my first run through:

starting off strong is this tasty piece of dialogue, bc that's the problem, isn't it? sumire *isn't* kasumi, even when she thinks she is. she's still anxious and unsure, still unsatisfied with herself to the point of having significant mental health issues (though sumire-as-kasumi is headed towards perfection-seeking overworked burnout, instead of her more typical major depression).

side note: the fact that maruki insists she's better off like this really shows that he thinks about pain and trauma very... shallowly? i guess would be the word? it's very surface level, instant gratification stuff. is she less actively suicidal? yeah! is she actually better? of course not! bc she is *still sumire* and still has those thought patterns and instincts that lead her to that mindset, but instead of having the tools to deal with those thoughts in a healthy manner she has an "i'm happy and perfect :)" mask that she feels she has to live up to. repression isn't healing. maruki do your fucking job challenge.

anyway.

so we get the keywords from her pep talk and a random couple, get sucked into the palace, and hunt her down to find her confronting what you THINK is her dead sister your first run, but is pretty obviously sumire herself on repeat plays:

this dialogue didn't make a lot of sense to me my first run, to the point i forgot it was there, but DAMN does it hit this time. her guilt over her sister's death, her complete inability to face it, is VERY apparent. sumire gets so upset over seeing maruki's cognitive version of her, and you really get the impression that she's not even sure *why* she's so upset. sure, it's her dead "sister", but we've already seen her brush that off pretty easily the first time we went to odiba. and given the headache she gets right after, it's pretty clear the real sumire is close to breaking out of the kasumi mask.

and when the shadow attacks the cognitive sumire, she goes down easy.

which is indicative of something maruki says in the third semester: that he thinks sumire is TOO WEAK to handle her own trauma. that the only way she can live at all, much less happily, is by being someone else entirely. that sumire *doesn't even deserve a chance to try*.

... this is NOT the post for my rant about maruki's god complex and how it undermines any "help" he's supposedly trying to offer, but these images are here just so you know it exists

luckily, sumire is able to fight back:

and i do think this is elements of the actual sumire coming through! i'm not sure if sumire's idealized version of kasumi would be fazed enough by criticism to get angry about it. and we know their promise to each other about gymnastics is important to sumire, especially as the only sister left to fill it. if i'm remembering her third semester confidant stuff right, it seems to be one of the few totally positive memories she has of her sister, even with how much pain constantly being compared to kasumi in gymnastics has brought her.

and these pieces of sumire breaking through the brainwashing are probably why she's able to awaken to a persona, even though she literally has no idea who she actually is (and thus shouldn't be able to confront her true self and get one). ESPECIALLY since her persona references the fact that she's not herself!

i did not manage to grab "if those really are the shoes you've chosen..." but that also applies, as does the fact that her hair comes down for her transformation (the way sumire wears it, instead of kasumi's ponytail) but is put back up by the end.

this got, uh. long. but the point is i love her dearly and maruki can go fuck himself.

#quinn (re)plays p5r #this took longer than i expected it to whoops!#but here's my thoughts #it's a much better twist than i think i gave the game credit for initially? well foreshadowed and executed #this isn't even everything i wanted to say i just want to be done with the post #sumire yoshizawa #p5r #p5

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storiesofstratos · 7 months

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Chapter 7: The Great Outdoors

Our heroes finally go on their camping trip...

October 17th, 2042

Six am on the dot. The alarm on my phone started sounding off, waking me from my slumber. The temptation to just hit snooze and slip back into my dream of winning the state championship was driven away only by the fact that I remembered that we were going camping this weekend.

"Morning sweetheart," Mom's voice could be heard as I headed down the stairs. Surprisingly, Elise was even up this early, and mom was serving her breakfast, "Are you excited for your camping trip?"

"Oh yeah, it's great. I get a whole day off school and get to spend two days with Jack and Nico out in the great outdoors. Couldn't imagine anything better."

Mom smiled at me and ruffled my hair, like I was still a kid. "Well good, I'm glad. Just remember, be safe, don't wander too far from your camp, and if you meet up with any girls, use protection."

...Huh??

"M-mom??"

"Oh, sweetie, I was sixteen once too. If you're gonna be doing it, at least do it safely. Besides, Cyrus was born when your mother was sixteen. I know what teenagers get up to. So, again, if you do it, be safe about it."

"I don't think you have to worry about that... not like I have a girlfriend."

"Well, don't rush it. Believe me, do not waste your time on someone who won't value you," She pinched my cheeks, which I tried to back away from, "And there is a lot to value. You're a smart boy, Daniel.. and I'm so proud of how you've grown up."

"Ah, mom," I could feel the heat in my cheeks. Why'd she have to get so sappy this early in the morning? "...Thanks. Love you too."

Elise broke the silence that had formed after that. "Mom! It's not fair! How come Daniel doesn't have to go to school! Can I stay home at least??"

Mom seemed to think about it for a minute, "Well... I do have the day off today... Oh, why not? Mental health days are good for avoiding burnout, right?" I watched as she nudged Elise, "We'll go see a movie, maybe get lunch at that sushi place you love? How's that sound?"

"Yesss, you're the best mom!"

"Man, I better leave before I start craving sushi. Don't think they have that out in the woods." I stood from the table, having finished my breakfast already. "I'm gonna go get dressed before the bus gets here."

"You could make sushi," Mom piped up, "Just go out there and catch a fish, get it nice and fresh."

"Somethin tells me they don't have the best sushi fish out in the lakes. Who knows what they dump in that water?"

The bus arrived not too long after I finished getting dressed, so I was quick to be there. I put my bag in the storage compartment before getting on. Jack was... already asleep, Niko sitting next to him with her earbuds in. She didn't even notice me until I took the seat next to her, yoinking one of her earbuds out and putting it in to see what she was watching.

"What we got on the playlist today?"

She shifted so I could see her phone screen. "Dude, they dropped an hour long special of Ghost Destinations. I’m only a little ways in, lemme restart for ya.”

“Yo, for real??” I sat up a bit straighter in my seat. “Have I ever told you I love you Nico?”

“Don't gotta tell me, I already know it.” There was my entertainment for the rest of the trip. Jack didn’t even stir once the entire time we were traveling… we had to make sure he was alive first. He was, luckily.

I didn’t really pay much attention to the beginning part. The obvious rules, don’t go out after dark, don’t stray too far from the campsite, don’t go on the trails alone, blah blah, boring. Then, it came time to pick tent buddies.

Of course I got Jack. Though, I quickly pulled him aside while Nico was off finding herself a bunkmate, since the boys and girls were separated. “Hey man, listen. I’m about to do you a huge favor.”

Jack grimaced at that, “I shudder to think about what you might consider a favor, Daniel.”

“No, shut up, okay, listen! This trip is perfect for you dude, you’re gonna get some quality time with Nico,” I placed my hand on his shoulder, “Trust me here. I’ll make myself scarce for you, I’ll go… I dunno, do something else. You two, go frolic in the woods, talk about.. I dunno, dreams, aspirations, whatever dumb romance movie shit, and boom. You’re in.”

I could feel Jack staring straight through my eyes into my soul. “You… are an idiot.”

“But I’m your idiot. Look, would you just trust me? When have I ever steered you wrong?”

“November, last year. The gym incident.”

“That’s right, never. When the teacher asks for volunteers to get firewood, Nico is gonna be all over that, you know her. All you need to do is go ahead and volunteer as well, and you are in. Trust.”

Jack seemed to think about it for a bit. “...Okay, okay. Fine. I trust you.”

“Good man. Now come on! Let’s go… do… camp, shit, I dunno, what do people do while camping?”

We ended up kicking a rock around for a couple hours. Some other people from our grade even joined in for a bit. It was the closest I’d ever felt to my classmates for my entire high school life thus far.

The day went by pretty uneventfully. Jack, Nico, and I played a little baseball to pass the time, and when finally, the teachers called for firewood volunteers, I made myself scarce. I watched from the sidelines, as Jack approached Nico. I gave him the thumbs up as I watched them talk, before finally going off on their own. Bingo. Best wingman ever, right?

Now… what the hell was I gonna do with my time?

#Hero's Dawn Arc #Daniel POV

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thegoldenavenger · 1 year

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[first] [prev]

part three of the Swiftening where i listen to all of Taylor’s albums so i can better connect with my swifty friends and also because i just spent like 7 days sick and would now like to not remember that

We are still on Taylor Swift’s self titlet album from 2006. Last time we listened to A Place in this World, Cold as You, and The Outside. I really liked A Place in this World and The Outside as songs that aren’t necessarily romantic! Even if The Outside was a little confusing with some of the phrases used as lyrics.

The next song up to bat is Tied Together With A Smile

oh the violin intro is back that’s nice!

Ahh it’s a 2nd person pov that’s so cool! My good friend sapphicscience let me know she interpreted The Outside as a kind of Not-Fitting-In-With-Others(girls) kind of song, which, in retrospect makes a lot of sense. luckily i fit in with my eclectic friend group so i didn’t relate much to that reading BUT i like that the theme is carried on here because this feels like a classic kind of “you don’t know you’re beautiful” kind of song except instead of an unattainable boy telling you that it’s taylor swift! that’s fun!

okay not a second person pov but still cool because she’s doing that like, uh, this is an incredibly niche example but chara-as-narrator-theory where taylor is narrating your experience but is still a character in the narrative. it’s actually really fitting with Teardrops on my Guitar, where she is pining from afar and not really noticed AND the previous track The Outside where she is set (physically?) a part from being able to reach out and communicate. She is separate from the subject of the songs narratively and here she is separate from the subject of the song through her choice of POV. it’s a nice theme and reflection on the album!

so because sappicscience let me in on the highschool-ness-of-it-all i’m gonna go ahead and say this is, like, either taylor talking about herself but removing the perceived closeness of personal pronouns by singing in a semi-2nd person pov, OR she is dedicating this to the other Weird Girls by commiserating with these experiences?

i said before but high school and teenagerdom is a liminal space where everything feels super intense all the time probably, so it makes sense using language like “jumping into [high water]” and it be a metaphor for, like, diving head first into experiences you’re unsure about. (retroactively, those lines about ‘not caring if she’d died for you’ and ‘you should’ve noticed now it’s too late’ does make sense in a dramatic teenage feelings way? it was just jarring at the time) it definitely isn’t my first instinct to interpret it this way because i think Taylor Swift’s high school experience was very unlike my own but that’s okay.

i think she might be just singing about herself but from a removed perspective creating a narrative that can be projected on if you’re so inclined. I could definitely see this being about stress about her first album and singles and be worried about her performance, but it could also easily be about that quote unquote gifted kid burnout and such

where elementary school and/or middle school you’re doing great (and it doesn’t have to be academically, it could be socially or physically) and then graduating to higher grades starts stress testing your ability to continue being good at things. gifted kids can burn out academically, jocks grow out of their sports, social cliques start rearranging, etc. so “the golden one” could be a metaphor for anything when your a teenager, honestly, so anyone could theoretically relate to this song, especially because feeling unseen and like you’re showing a brave face but feel badly enough that other should be able to see that you need help is a really relatable feeling. OH that’s what The Outside meant, okay I see it now.

ooooh i love this line. It couples nicely with A Place in this World’s “I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve” but adding a more jaded angle. giving away love like extra change is an awesome metaphor. like, the images it implies. giving away love as charity? throwing away this major piece of yourself like it’s insignificant. sharing a part of yourself in a way that’s not detrimental to your own life to help someone else in an impactful way. from the context i think it’s more like, tossing a coin in a wishing fountain hoping to attract more (love) as opposed to like, giving your change to someone begging or busking as an act of charity or appreciation, because i... wouldnt want the almost disparaging tone to reflect on her views about giving as charity?

the way it’s phrased is like, “you’re naive to think you would get back what you’ve given” which isn’t the point of charity so i hope that’s not the metaphor.

ohhhh so yes most definitely like throwing change in a wishing well, or blowing on dandelion fuzz.

okay, lyrically, i really LOVE this extended metaphor. “it’s not his price to pay, it’s not his price to pay” is so good. this really gives off, again, that investment in a relationship where both parties are not getting the same that they put into it. IE taylor is giving and is not receiving enough, if anything, back. penny in the rain is a good way to phrase it, and it ties that weather theme from previous songs back into this one.

the outro is repeated chorus

i do like a lot of the world play in this one, not just the change metaphor but “you’re tied together with a smile” is extremely good. it’s a four minute song but i wish we got another verse instead of two choruses. i think it’s some of the best writing so far in the album. definitely a sleeper favorite.

that’s a way to end the song.

Now onto Stay Beautiful!

Cory! who’s cory? i’m so glad i don’t know a cory or this would be a Teardrops on my Guitar song all over again.

so normally I would say, i don’t understand how you can compare a smile to a radio but since we’ve established in A Place In This World that radios (and blue jeans) are comfort items for Taylor we can appreciate these lines!

Cory’s eyes may or may not be green but they’re definitely wild and enticing possibly hot and his smile is nostalgic and comforting like turning the radio on in your own beat up truck (about to take the road less traveled by)

this isn’t fair because i’ve listened to Our Song already (of course) but my first thought was the “tappin’ on your window” as a thematic couple with this. i think Our Song is near the end of the album or the end of the album so i wonder if there’s continued window-themes in the intervening songs? The Outside has windows as an implied theme, i think. Outside-looking-in often evokes window images even if they aren’t in the lyrics explicitly.

this is interesting! i wonder if it’s another “you better cherish him because i would if i had him” song like Teardrops on my Guitar but from a slightly different perspective? it looks like taylor is already with Cory, because he’s whispering songs into her window and the other pretty girls are jealous.

oh no, that’s really cute? so the pretty girls on every corner are telling Taylor that she’s beautiful and she’s gonna be someone?

wait, so azlyrics has the quote around “does he know?” end quote and then it leaps into what i’m assuming is the chorus so is, taylor telling the pretty girls they’re beautiful and gonna be someone and that she wants them to come back to her?

she bounces back to cory now, so maybe the chorus was about cory? i guess she was meaning it that way because she goes back to the chorus without any other characters intervening in the story. that’s totally fine but a pretty interesting way to phrase it, since it really gives off pining vibes instead of together vibes. which, i thought taylor and cory were together since he is, once again, whispering songs into her window.

oh it is a pining song, they aren’t together i guess. ahhhh the potentiality of it all. potentiality / potential energy is my FAVORITE trope in relationships. i love that pause before the actual moment. the suspense, the build up. the spaces between my fingers could be filled with yours, but we don’t know if they will be! it’s just a possibility!! nice

so i guess she’s waiting for him to live his life and everything before realising that what he was looking for was right there all along. another very classic country vibe. i do like the positivity of it all. there’s so much well-wishing here, it’s very wholesome content. less melancholic than Teardrops on my Guitar. again, the same theme of not speaking up and telling him she likes him. at least with drew it was understandable because he was already dating someone, but cory seems like he’s unattached?

interesting the communication barriers in taylor’s music.

i do want to say that this bit in the chorus is healing after the change metaphor last track. having so much love is beautiful! it’s not naive or childish. :>

Should’ve Said No

the title is concerning, i’m concerned

The opening is familiar, but i think it’s the country instruments being played in a country song instead of subverted or replaced or remixed is pinging my nostalgia cortex

oooh break up song! i really liked the relatively hopeful streak of songs we had about commiserating and well-wishing, but this sounds like it’ll be cathartic! still concerned about the song title.

this is NOT helping my amount of concerned with the song title...

obviously datemate has done something terrible and shouldn’t have so what is it. nothing done (directly) to taylor since she had to find out about it.

it’s about cheating! okay. much less concerned about the title. and i was right! this is a bop of a chorus!! very, like, carrie underwood-esque i’m about to tear up your nice car. can definitely imagine this on a karaoke roster. i hope she gets a little vengeful about it!!! one of my favorite country genres is the woman-scorned-revenge song!!

good to see she is carrying on the theme of sticking to her guns from Cold as You. do not let him back! good job! back into the chorus and i will say

this flows so nicely. rhyming word with her’d is hilarious but work and it feels very “i heard through the grapevine” i really like how punchy it is too. really gels with the tone and mood of the song.

oh NO

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im ending this here im having EMOTIONS

#the swiftening #long post #taylor swift live blog #taylor swift 2006 #im very sorry for the ending my url is the goldenavenger what did you expect #i cant believe im going to be doing a st/ony edit to taylor swift music in 2022

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dingus-bingus-the-simpus · 2 years

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Cacophony

(Riddle Rosehearts x gn!Reader x Floyd Leech)

summary: Riddle is overworking himself post-overblot, so you and Floyd trick him into having a day off.

a/n: look i’m a florid(a) stan, i admit, but i feel like riddle+floyd+yuu is an untapped market ripe with potential. i was gonna do some yandere stuff but it ended up being fluff with a little whump because brain rot

tw: burnout, riddle lowkey has depression, kidnapping (for a good cause), swears

wc: 1.3k

Between the two of them, most onlookers would assume that Floyd is the more problematic boyfriend. After all, the eel merman is the very definition of intimidating: both his tall lanky frame and ominous words. But you tend to disagree.

Floyd is unpredictable in his mood switches, bouncing back and forth between extremes, but his emotions remain readable, at least to those who know him well. Even when he’s not as vocal about a particular dilemma, it’s never hard to guess what may be bugging him.

Riddle, on the other hand, is about as comprehensible as his namesake, decorated in flowery language and polite gestures but ultimately puzzling. His anger is easy enough to understand, of course, his face flushing bright red as he calls out his signature spell, but even that isn’t quite so simple. Sometimes you’ll poke fun at one of the Queen’s rules or Floyd will tease him about his height, and his face will switch to the same shade of red as he insists the two of you cease. In such moments genuine anger and embarrassment becomes indistinguishable from a playful flirtation between partners. It’s even worse when he doesn’t speak at all. He overworks himself frequently and hides it behind empty smiles. You understand why, you’ve seen how desperate he is after his overblot to show that he isn’t a burden.

Floyd figured it out pretty quickly as well. Despite his reputation as the more lackadaisical of the twins, he is just as perceptive as his brother when it comes to observing other people (though undoubtedly more honest in his approach).

So when Floyd suggested a batshit- potentially illegal- plan to cheer up your boyfriend, you quickly agreed, mostly out of fear that Floyd might try it on his own either way.

The first part was the simplest; for all his quirks, Floyd is a rather talented chef, as expected as a member of the Mostro Lounge staff. Thus, it was easy for him to cook up a wonderful tart for Riddle- with a few of Jade’s uniquely bred mushrooms ground inside, more than enough to knock the small boy out like a light.

No longer concerned about the issue of Riddle’s tendency to wake up at the mere dropping of a pin, the two of you could, a tad clumsily, break into Riddle’s room and, well…kidnap him.

Although Floyd shrugged off most of your concerns, on the most basic level, that’s what his plan was. Of course, what neither of you had fully prepared for was the fact that Heartslaybul’s other dorm members had completely different sleep schedules.

As the two of you carried Riddle’s unconscious body out of the room, an orange-haired boy cleared his throat down the hall.

“Uh, hey guys,” Cater blinked. “Do I even want to know what’s going on?”

“We’ll have him back by tomorrow afternoon,” you promised, not answering his question.

“Goldfishie has been working so hard lately,” Floyd explained. “So Shrimpy and I decided to take him out on a date and ditch school~”

“Floyd-”

“What? You’re not gonna tell anyone, right?” Floyd grinned menacingly towards Cater, who merely laughed.

“Dw dw, it’s all chill. I won’t snitch,” Cater laughed. “Just make sure to send some pics for me to show Trey, ‘cause otherwise he’ll lowkey freak.”

“No problem,” you sighed, relieved. After a quick goodbye to the Heartslabyul junior, the next step of your plan was underway. Floyd had scored three tickets to a carnival on the mainland, but to get there you’d have to use the mirror at night without accidentally running into any of the staff or hall monitors. Luckily, you had the perfect lookout: Grim.

The small demon was hesitant to help the two of you with your ridiculous idea, but a few minutes of pleading had caused him to relent. Granted, it also cost you an ungodly amount of premium tuna. Grim was small enough to slip into the Hall of Mirrors undetected before the school had closed up for the day, allowing you easy entry at the dead of night. From there, it was just a matter of teleportation, plus some walking for the rest of the way.

By the time you had almost arrived at your destination, both the sun and the poor boy you’d dragged along with you were beginning to rise. Riddle blinked his gray eyes slowly as he processed his surroundings. He was being carried, bridal style, by Floyd as you walked alongside him, chatting eagerly.

“...Y/N? Floyd?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

“Goldfishie! You’re awake!” Floyd cheered, nuzzling against his face. Riddle quickly pushed him away, blushing brightly.

“What’s going on?” he asked suspiciously. “Is this another dream?”

“Aww…did you hear that Floyd? He’s been dreaming of us,” you teased.

“T-that’s not what I meant! I demand to know what’s going on at once!” Riddle squeaked, squirming out of Floyd’s arms and plopping unceremoniously onto the ground. You frowned, leaning down to help him up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” you promised, taking his hands in yours. “It’s just…I know you don’t like to talk about it, because you don’t want us to worry or anything but-”

“You need a break,” Floyd finished seriously. “Goldfishie, you’re so smart and you work so hard, but everyone needs a day off every once in a while.”

Riddle stood in silence, his brow furrowed and lips pressed tight. You could see in his stormy eyes that he was deliberating. Or more likely, he was trying his best not to get angry.

“I’m flattered,” he finally said, hiding his face from your view. “But I am the Heartslabyul housewarden. I can’t just ditch school! The others need me. I need to return to school at once.”

“Riddle,” you replied firmly, cupping his face in your hands in order to meet his eyes. “Listen to me. Every housewarden needs a break. Hell, that’s how Kalim and Leona spend the majority of their time!”

“Even Azul takes time for himself every once in a while,” Floyd chimed in. “Plus, too much stress might make you overblot again.”

Riddle sighed and shook his head softly, “I guess it..couldn’t hurt to take a break…just for today though! And next time, I insist you consult me beforehand!”

Floyd laughed and squeezed the both of you tightly. “Just wait until you see what Shrimpy and I cooked up ehehe~”

“A carnival!” you exclaimed, unable to curb your excitement for another moment.

“A carnival?” Riddle repeated. “I’ve never been to one before, are you sure I’ll be proper;y prepared? Do they have any special rules of conduct or-”

“Don’t worry darling,” you reassured, kissing him gently on the forehead. “It’ll be easy. Of course, if it gets too much just let us know and we’ll take a break.”

“I’m gonna win every stuffed animal!” Floyd added. “And of course we’ll have to ride ALL the roller coasters! They don’t have many of those under the sea.”

“Well, if I don’t have much of a choice in the matter anyways, would it be alright if we got some cotton candy?” Riddle fumbled, his face red.

“Of course,” you laughed earnestly, holding his hand with one hand and Floyd’s with another. “Let’s go!”

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #reader insert #gender neutral reader #riddle rosehearts #riddle rosehearts x reader #floyd leech #floyd leech x reader #floyd x riddle #floyd x reader x riddle #florid

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milllersfae · 10 months

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hii idk if im a little late to ur bodyguard! abby fic but i loved it smm, and ur last blurb was so good<3 just wanted to come and look at ur page cus I missed ur writing and haven't been seeing ur works on my feed 😕

thank you love <3 i’ve been working back to back constantly and doing some school work outside of tumblr and had a terrible burnout. luckily i’m free today and will be posting some works back to back, thank you for your concern!

#nonnies! 𖦹•°.#sorry y’all #the struggle is REAL #i pulled all nighter this week and it has me melting on the floor #i’m okay now

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ryusukeswife · 2 years

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hi!! i love your beck stories sm I was wondering if you can do the reader having a bad, locking themselves in their room, not answering/replying to their phone, and Taira (from beck) is worried about them and sneaks into their room to comfort them with cuddles just something cute🥹🥰🥰

THE CLOSING DOOR OF YESTERDAY

pairings. yoshiyuki taira x gn! reader

contents. talks of burnouts / teachers are on the reader’s ass / untouched, missing assignments / mild language / established relationship between reader & taira / hurt & comfort

summary. finals sucked — but so did the pressure from your teachers that would belittle you for missing assignments. academic denouncing was something you wouldn’t frequently get, but lately, you started to go through a heavy burnout. today, it was too much for you to handle. luckily, your boyfriend taira had gotten the hint.

authors note. hello, anon !! thank you for the request & support, i greatly enjoy writing beck content for you all. it sucks because it’s such a dead fandom and deserves way more recognition. you’re so sweet!! also — may i just say, you have great taste. taira is such an overlooked character.

BURNOUTS were a violent, heavy storm that would make the clouds of your life gray. It would fill you with so much misery ; oftentimes leaving to dreary mornings when you would struggle to get out of bed — long nights of pushing yourself to get missing assignments in that piled up the more you couldn’t bring yourself to do them.

On nights when you would attempt to power through and complete various worksheets, you were always met with a message from your boyfriend, Taira.

— [ 8:23 P.M. , Mon 12th ]

How much are we going to bet that y/n is pulling an all nighter?

You would laugh at the message from him, replying back with :

— [ 8:25 P.M. , Mon 12th ]

And how much are we going to bet that Yoshiyuki is going to get the damn wits smacked out of him?

Playful banter from Taira — that seemed to be the only thing you would look forward to on the nights that you would stay up to get assignments done. At times, he would come over and climb through your window ( following the method you gave him when it came to opening the sill when your relationship got serious ), helping you with some assignments you would struggle with.

Those nights weren’t enough, for so many pessimistic things ran wild in your brain. It would pull you down and chain you to your bedroom, only freeing you from its grasp when you would wake up to go to school. Even then, doubt would stick to you like a soul without a body.

You came home that day exhausted. Your parents greeted you in the living room when the front door had opened, but you had already gone upstairs to your room. You locked the door behind you and pushed you back up against the surface, sliding down to your knees with a heavy sigh.

It took you a few moments to pick yourself up from the floor, but it gave you plenty of time to fully process what took place.

You had multiple meetings with teachers that day. Some of them were lenient with their concerns for your grades, but a few belittled you for “slacking off” and “not caring about your future” ; things you’ve heard many times before.

You got so caught up in your misery that the texts from Taira completely slipped past you :

— [ 6:03 P.M. , Tues 13th ]

Uhm, are you okay? You didn’t answer my call just now.

— [ 7: 24 P.M. , Tues 13th ]

Babe, are you mad at me or something?

It was only two unread messages, but that was enough for Taira to grow concerned for you wellbeing.

You sat at your bed, tapping your pen against the binder you used to keep the half-finished worksheet pressed down firmly, your eyes staring over every single word. All of this made absolutely no sense.

You heard a tap on your window’s glass, and you whipped your head anxiously towards the wall, only to be met with Taira staring back at you from the other side.

You walked over and opened the latch, pushing the top of the opening upwards to allow him inside. “Yoshi, are you —“ you stopped midway through your sentence when Taira pulled you into a tight embrace.

“So, are you okay?” He asked, his jaw rested against your shoulder as his hands snaked around your torso.

“Hm…” you murmured, reciprocating the affection, leaning your head into his chest. You didn’t give him a clear answer, but it was enough for Taira to get the hint.

“Bad day? You aren’t just mad at me for whatever reason?” He complacently smiled as you pulled away from his arms.

“Isn’t it obvious? Finals are next week and I don’t think I’m ready at all,” you took a seat on your bed, Taira immediately sitting beside you, only to wrap his arm around your shoulder, “…Yoshi, be honest with me. Am I stupid?”

Though a bit taken aback by the question, Taira leaned his head onto your shoulder, dropping his hand onto the mattress. “Nah, you’re just tired. When someone’s tired, they should rest. Isn’t that an interesting fact, y/n?” Even when you would be so brooding, Taira would always give you such a smart yet sarcastic remark. Surprisingly, you would take his words very well — even seeking humor in some of them.

“I can’t really rest when I have all of these assignments I need to finish,” you replied, falling back to rest your head against the pillows of your bed, “my teachers are going to be on my ass tomorrow if I don’t make progress.”

“You could finish up some things before classes tomorrow,” Taira suggested, laying beside you, his eyes staring at your face as you two lied beside each other, “why don’t you just sleep on it tonight? We’ll worry about the important things tomorrow.”

You pondered your boyfriend’s inquiry for a split second, but you knew that — as much as Taira gave you choices — this one was, in fact, not a choice. It was your health ; which he cared very deeply about.

“Perhaps you’re right,” you laughed, “for once.”

Taira moved his arms around your waist and pulled you close to his body — so close that you could almost hear his heart racing from the inside of his chest. “As much as you hate admitting it, I’m always right, aren’t I?”

“Oh shut your damn mouth, Yoshi.”

#beck anime #beck mongolian chop squad x reader #beck mongolian chop squad #yoshiyuki taira #taira #yoshiyuki taira x reader #anime writing blog #anime x reader

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burntliam · 2 years

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intro !

hellouuuu my lovelies! i'm so pumped to be here and plot w/ all of you and get this party goingggg. here's my intro for my chaotic son liam! if you'd like to plot feel free to like this or hmu on the ole discord!

⋙ did you see LIAM O'NEILL at that rager last night? i think they major in ENGLISH as a JUNIOR. from what i hear they’re LOYAL & CREATIVE, but they can be pretty SELF-DESTRUCTIVE too, depending on who you ask. there was a rumor going around last semester that HIS MOM IS IN PRISON, but it seems way too wild to be true- maybe i’ll get to know UCSB’s resident BURNOUT better & find out.

liam o’neill

FC: charlie heaton

Age: 22

Birthday: july 15th

Gender: cismale

Sexuality: questioning

Major: english

personality:

✔ loyal, creative, adaptable

✖ self-destructive, pessimistic, aloof

history:

The O’Neill family is, in short, chaos. They party, work, and love hard. They probably don’t know the definition of moderation, but they also probably couldn’t care less.

Liam is the second oldest, with his older sister Dana in her mid-twenties. He has a sister who’s a year younger, two brothers, Sean and Henry, in high school, and a little sister, Maggie, in elementary school.

The siblings are all there for one another no matter what happens. If even they make a mistake. Hell, especially if they make a mistake.

There were times Liam’s thought he might really go to Juvie or get kicked out of school—all for his family. Luckily, his siblings love him just as much, and have helped him get out of those situations.

His parents, on the other hand…Were absent at best.

His father, Hank, has been in and out of their lives since Liam was seven. He only shows up for one thing: Money. If he cares about his kids or wife, he doesn’t show it. The siblings aren’t even sure in they’re all full siblings, given their parents behavior. But none of them make the distinction. More than once, his father has stolen from the family, making their lives even more difficult. Liam prefers the long stretches of time when he goes without seeing his father at all.

His mother, Laura, tried her best at the beginning, she really did. Liam remembers when she would read him bedtime stories and they’d make pillow forts with Dana. She worked hard at a diner during grave yard shifts and did anything she could to care for her kids. He knows she loved him and his siblings and wanted to be a good mom. But, in the end, she hasn’t done much more for his family than his father.

She cycles through crappy boyfriend after crappy boyfriend, occasionally taking Hank back, and then going through bouts of loneliness where she tells her children they ruined her life. She drinks perhaps too much wine than any one should, but it was the fact that Liam knew she was mostly sober when she tore into him or Dana or his younger siblings that hurt him the most.

He and Dana took it upon themselves to raise their siblings, knowing that if they didn’t, no one would.

From elementary school on, Liam’s grifted and scammed and worked his ass off and sometimes just straight up stolen for his family. He’s willing to do whatever it takes for them, and would sooner risk his future and his entire life than have them risk theirs.

He didn’t want to go to college, but Dana insisted he at least apply, and to his shock, he got enough financial aid and a scholarship to afford UCSB.

That didn’t mean college was easy for him. Especially at first. He didn’t know how to navigate the culture or the money or the other students. He didn’t know how to handle not being the smartest kid in every one of his classes. He tried though, intent on showing his siblings they should strive for the same and proving everyone who doubted him wrong. Eventually, it paid off. Though he still thinks he hates most of the student body. Either believing them to be posers or far too sincere for their own good.

More than once, he’s threatened to drop out of school, but Dana never lets him take it further than that: a threat. They both know that the family needs Liam to do well. To show his family they should yearn and dream for more that what they currently have.

present:

He’s cynical with a dark sense of humor that might piss off the right person—or make them good friends. Maybe even a bit of both, depending on the day.

Still working every angle he can think of, Liam’s out to make money to send home to his family, hoping that they’ll be able to fulfill their dreams and have the lives he knows they want.

Bandmates with Ricky and Dahlia. As the band’s bassist, he thinks of it as something that feels his own, where he actually feels at peace and a part of something that matters.

To make his life easier, he lets the other students view him as nothing more than a burnout. Maybe even a loser. Someone who definitely doesn’t draw much attention, and when he does, it’s never good.

Shortly before Junior year started, his mom was arrested for getting involved in a car dealership scheme with her latest boyfriend. Liam doesn't want anyone to know, but he's all too aware half the school probably already does. He thinks of it as just another thing to keep him going, to keep him pushing people out and hiding his true self from everyone else.

He is never going to admit it, but he’s lost. He doesn’t know who he is without taking care of his family, and doesn’t have the slightest idea of who he is meant to become.

Somewhat inspired by Lip Gallagher don’t @ me lol

connections:

Younger sister: The sister who grew up a year younger than Liam. Open to her being a half-sister as their father was in and out of their lives. Definitely utp for personality, history, etc. but interested to plot things out together.

Tutor student: Someone that he tutors in English or creative writing. He might be prickly, but I figure he would actually care enough to do a good job at this because of that money lol. I would love if this was a bit contentious.

Hook-up: Someone he uses/who uses him maybe?? For sure want to plot this out a bit more specifically.

Painful ex: Someone who he dated in the past, but they broke up for reasons we can plot out. I imagine Liam would be a really difficult person to date, so there could be a number of avenues we could take this.

Party buds: Liam may know that he needs to focus on school and making money, but he can’t resist having a little fun every now and then. Especially when someone’s got a packed bowl and a six pack. Basically, people he can get into shenanigans with.

Poetry/Writing-Reader: Someone who somehow found out about Liam’s poetry and fiction writing. God knows he would never want to share it with anyone but maybe this person managed to get around that. Maybe they’re the one person he can bounce ideas off with, and doesn’t have to hide how much he cares.

#m: about #m: bio #yes i used the beautiful template #could not resist #well most of it at least #tw jail #tw drinking #tw drugs #a little bit

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remyscarmichael · 2 years

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⋙ did you see ROSEMARY 'REMY' CARMICHAEL at that rager last night? i think they major in PSYCHOLOGY as a SOPHOMORE. from what i hear they’re FREE-SPIRITED & INTELLIGENT , but they can be pretty LAZY too, depending on who you ask. there was a rumor going around last semester that SHE IS THE BEST PERSON ON CAMPUS TO GET PSYCHEDELICS FROM, but it seems way too wild to be true- maybe i’ll get to know UCSB’s resident BURNOUT better & find out.

Remy Carmichael

FC: olivia scott welch

Age: 21

Birthday: march 15th

Gender: cis woman

Sexuality: bisexual

Major: psychology

Personality:

✔ GENEROUS,OPEN-MINDED, LAID-BACK

✖ LAZY, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, CARELESS

History:

TW; Religious Trauma, Drug Use

Childhood: Remy was born to an extremely large and affluent family, the second youngest child in a family of 9. She was the child of an extremely prominent Evangelical Pastor and her family was known for being put together and straight-laced but it was obvious from a young age that Remy didn’t fit in. She never had the same draw to the religion that her parents had, absolutely dreaded going to church every week and never wanted to read the BIble. It didn’t help that when she wasn’t getting in trouble in Sunday School, she was getting in trouble at her real school too, finding herself in the principals office seemingly once a week. Despite just needing a little proper guidance, Remy’s parents absolutely overcorrected, becoming far more strict and controlling over her life the more she got into trouble. She was forbidden from hanging out with friends that didn’t go to the church, her TV and computer were taken away and she was forced to have long nightly meetings with her father about the Bible and her role in the family, none of which she ever really applied. Things only got worse for her when her father decided to dip his toes into politics, her families already extremely straight-laced front being pushed to an extreme. While things had been bad before, they got even worse during this period with almost evey minute of Remy’s life being micromanaged by her parents, an older sibling or some random press handler. Despite all of this though, her father still lost a narrow election, which Remy hoped would return things to some normalcy but that never happened. After the election and despite losing, her father’s already large church grew even larger. Teen Years: Going into her first year of high school her father once again ran for Congress, this time though they sent her across the country to boarding school, feeling that it will be easier to keep her from disrupting things that way. Since then she has only been back home twice, never choosing to come back for the holidays or any other occasions, much happier loving her siblings from a distance. After getting away from her parents Remy really began to broaden her interests, learning to play bass, to skate and meeting new friends, finally able to do things on her own terms and become her own person, happier than she’d ever been back home with her family and truly feeling like for the first time she was somehwere where she really was meant to be. She did a lot of experimenting during this time, trying all the things she never would have been able to under her parents watchful eye. Recent Events: During the Fall Semester of last year Remy was found with drugs in her room and was expelled. She ended up missing the rest of her fall semester and spring semester as a result. Her hearing was the first time in almost a year she’d seen her parents in person and hasn’t seen them again since them. Luckily she was able to find an apartment off campus and spent the year there, just skating by until she was eligible for re-admission. She was thankful at the very least that her family still provided money for her but eventually wanted to become completely financially independent from them if she could.

Present:

Remy is back on campus and classes now, having appealed her expulsion succesfully. Though she’s a year behind in her studies now , she’s just glad to be back on campus with her friends.

While she doesn’t exactly have the best grades, she does very well when she applies herself and its a subject she’s passionate about. She loves Psychology and Pharmacology, obsessed with finding out how outside stimuli affects the brain. She is pretty much known around campus as someone that can easily get any kind of psychedelics anyone needs, most of the time simply just sharing them with people rather than selling them.

She can be found at most social functions, almost always wanting to hang out and be around people. She is etremely friendly and will do almost anything to help anyone, even to her own detriment at times.

Connections:

Best Friends - The people that she is closest to in the world. These are probably the only people that know the full extent of her background and who her family is.

Friends - People that she has met over time and become close to. She loves making new friends and meeting new people.

Exes/Past Hook-Ups - After hitting college Remy did a lot of hooking up to try and find what she liked. These could be one time hook-ups, small flings or even full on relationships.

Roommates - Despite not having to pay her own rent, Remy rents out the two extra rooms in her apartment extremely cheaply for anyone that needs a place to stay.

Anything Else - I’m absolutely always down to brainstorm different kinds of connections and things, I love figuring out weird little ways people could know each other so this is always an option!

#this is so late and i'm so trash but please love her!! <3 #i'll be expanding on this over time!

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kuriquinn · 2 years

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Just had to share this because I'm so excited: for the first time since 2016, I'm under 200 lbs.

I've always been really worried about the extra weight I had on me, especially since we have heart disease and diabetes in our family. Prior to the pandemic I hit 230 lbs, which for someone 5'7" and a tendency to put weight on around the belly and boobs is not good (fuck BMI as a health calculator, the visceral fat is the thing that needed to go down.)

So in 2019 I decided to deal with one of the major deterrents to me doing anything physical and which had caused me terrible damage to my spine: scheduled a breast reduction.

For pandemic reasons it took me about a year before I was able to get it, but during that time I started trying to take off even just a little in preparation for surgery, not doing anything too strenuous (my back is too fucked up and my knees too clicky for something high energy like running or zumba or aerobics) but basically just walking and swimming and gentle yoga, and of course, the dreaded diet. I managed to take off 5 lbs by myself before plateauing in a way that my weight refused to budge.

Luckily my surgery fell between a period of lockdown ending and then month later going back into effect (ah, Quebec. Wtf.), so I spent early 2021 recovering but once my surgeon gave me the go ahead (i lost about 5 lbs more from that surgery alone), I really tried to get into better shape

And it sucked.

And my weight didn't change.

And I kept losing motivation and went weeks, occasionally months without activity and only barely watching what I ate. By some miracle I managed to maintain instead of gain but it wasn't until this year (about the time I was semi-living on my own) that I really got serious about getting healthy.

A lot of motivation for that came down to witnessing Rebel Wilson radically go from overweight to healthy in like 1 year and finding out that she did it without dieting. (And she's also like me in that she will never be a tiny person which is role model goals imo)

And most important (which I think is what messed me up every time I tried to lose weight) keeping in mind that losing weight is not an overnight thing. It might take me a year or more to do it, but I had to celebrate the little milestones and not hate myself when I couldn't stick to goals and such, and also make goals which were reasonable.

So in January I gave myself a best-case goal of losing 40 lbs by this December, regular case 20 lbs, absolute least maintaining (since most years since high school I've put on an extra 5 lbs).

The fact that I'm halfway to that goal by this time in the year makes me feel amazing because it's been so hard to stick to a plan or a goal in the past, especially something as important as health wise. So even if I don't lose anymore weight this year and just maintain where I'm at now (hit 199.9 on the scale today and I don't care if it's just 0.1 off, this is the first time there hasn't been a 2 anywhere on my scale in eight years!), I've already managed to meet my own expectations.

And I really hope that this is just one of more goals I've set for myself, such as finding a job I like (not even love, just something I can do my best at without killing my soul) and getting back into writing, that I can complete by the end of the year.

A big part of that is going to be getting some help with my ADHD, which has been crippling me a lot worse the past year. I feel like as the depression and anxiety meds started working, it exposed all the symptoms of ADHD I've been able to ignore or mask my whole life and which since my burnout I haven't been able to do. So yeah, either gonna need to find some kind of affordable therapist to work with and maybe meds to help manage it, but for the first time in a while I feel like it's possible?

Anyway.

That's just my mood today, and a lot of you have been key to keeping my morale up and dealing with depression stuff (even if I don't interact much with you, your posts make me smile and keep my confidence up!), so thanks so so much for being you, and I hope whatever your personal goals are, no matter how big or small (seriously, just something like getting out of bed in the morning or taking a shower is a huge goal and you are awesome for managing it!), you achieve them.

XOXOXO

Kuri 💜

#personal #weight loss #depression #adhd #physical health #mental health #real life adventures #positive

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deepdrearn · 2 years

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Anyone remembers my very brief encounter with corporate life three years ago where I had to leave bc it was killing me inside and also I was offered the greatest job elsewhere?

Well, for starters, both employees under 35 had a burnout and the lead developer and head of design both left when my internship started. Red flags much? But well one of the founders had been my teacher in art school so I was determined to make an impression.

During the time I was there the business was essentially being taken over by a Charismatic Industry Specialist. He saw a specialized dusty niche application of the tech that was, in fact, being developed to be widely accessible and creative. But accessible and creative wasn't bringing in enough money so investors started giving concerned looks and when Charismatic Industry Specialist came in, talk at the office was literally about how those investors were now "happy". And so it went, into the world of dry airconditioned air and artificial lightning, the world of business to business, smelling of carpet and inkjet printers. Enter the industry's yearly highlight: a conference.

My old art school teacher, who had been so cool in art school was now so proud, he was strutting around like a peacock. Telling me how special it was that I got to witness a startup at the brink of a big breakthrough. Which was true. All the business men crowded around to see the sorting machine. Two contracts were negotiated on the spot. And I'd helped my old art school teacher find the ample bugs in the interface software two evenings before the conference so it was in part my victory too. In my corporate logo blouse on the chemically new smelling conference center carpet I realized the trajectory of this project would not ever go back to anything creative.

I decided to quit on a semi conscious level after a talk with the newest sales person on the team. He did not give a shit about the creative product my old art school teacher had launched the company for. No one in the company did anymore. No one except for my old art school teacher, but it had become sort of his sad hobby within the business by then where he sort of had to beg to keep it alive. I also noticed old art school teacher was respected less by the other developers because he was not up to date on the innovations in the field of the last decade. I noticed that I knew more about the core tech than he did, from the 60 euro coursera course I'd followed during my internship. There were now as many salespersons in the company as developers and the latest addition was just unmatched in his boring uncreativity and I hated lunch when he was there. But here I was, making and effort to get along with the excruciating salesman. Now he started practicing his sales pitch on me and turns out he would like to sell this once creative tech as potato sorting machines. The dust collecting in the corners of the office and on the early prototypes and inspirational artworks around me felt like a hyperbolic metaphor.

Luckily I was offered a great job at my university. I tried to stay in touch with some of my really nice coworkers and connected to some on LinkedIn. Which is what I really wanted to write about.

One of my coworkers, Hans, was about my age. He was handsome and socially competent and left soon after I entered because of burnout. Hans is active on LinkedIn so when I log in to that website once a month he's usually got some updates. I learned that after his burnout, he looked for work with more purpose. And like me, Hans is deeply concerned about the climate. But unlike me, Hans does not seem interested in the root causes of the deplorabele state of our planet. He makes websites where people can pledge to make 2022 a green year and go on holiday by car and he writes articles about "adding value to society". He likes inspirational speeches on hope for the future by world leaders. His latest 'venture' is a startup that has something to do with 'sustainable transport' and it's business opportunities in Nigeria.

Recently I've thought a lot about Hans and this sustainable transport venture in Nigeria. I think about it while I listen to a podcast about degrowth. I think about it while someone talkes about white saviorism. While reading Walter Rodney's 'How Europe underdeveloped Africa'.

Hans studied at the same university as I am graduating from now. I checked out his website this morning. It's full of praises from the gospel of Silicon Valley. Our changing climate presents opportunity and you can hire Hans and his friends to move subsistance farmers into 'higher income streams'. Hans is very much a product of my universities culture. Entrepeneurship is considered a virtue and there are contests and an on-campus incubator for tech startups with 'impact'. When I wrote an essay on neoliberalism for the mandatory ethics class, the teacher send it back to me asking what that was.

My university asks zero questions. Growth is still good there, although that feels outdated to me now. I have been reading a lot of David Graeber, Walter Rodney, Jason Hickel, Naomi Klein. Highly respected academics and journalists. When I speak to anyone with a humanities studies background, they know them. But no one in my university does. At the gospel of Silicon Valley, my university chants loudly, spawning off so much enthausiastic new gospel singers, saving the world, one venture capital investment at the time.

Now venture capital does not give a shit about saving the planet. It cares about return. If your creative start-up does not make it, you will be pressured to make potato sorting machines. If your PR dream ocean cleanup destroys marine life, it cannot pause but must continue chasing KPI's. If 'electrifying Africa' requires strip mining the Congo or with modern slavery and child labor, then that's the 'cost' of the energy transition.

Let me say it again: Venture capital does not give a shit about saving the planet. Let me say it out loud: Capitalism is killing us. On the inside and the outside.

Who is asking the fundamental questions in tech? Who is looking for the roots? The radix, the radical?

#a very long meandering read #please refer me to radical thinkers on tech

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