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ask-purpled-and-blued · 3 years

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Vigilante

Not once has Purpled ever called himself a hero.

He wants that on record, wants to say it up front. He’s never had any delusions about what he is and what he’s doing.

He doesn’t have the license for it, doesn’t have the morals for it. He’s not even saving that many people.

He’s just some kid running around in pro hero cosplay with his shoddy homemade support gear.

So riddle him this: why the fuck is his vigilante name trending on Twitter under #Swag_forHeroCon?

(—This one’s got a high-stress moment and the briefest panic attack known to man somewhere in the middle. Mind the post’s tags and reply if it needs more.—)

—

It started about a year ago. It’s sophomore year and he’s looking at his options for next year’s classes.

Of course he’s taking AP Calc and everything he thinks colleges wanna see. That’s a given and a no-brainer and he’s not gonna go into detail about that.

No, what matters is that his junior and senior year let him take career classes.

Hero-related career classes.

Because not only is this a private nerd school that he needs his scholarship to afford. It’s a private nerd school that has a dual-enrollment type thing with a nearby heroics school.

And one with a pretty good support course that is now available to him.

He’s always been interested in math and engineering. Support courses are just using both of those to make cool shit for heroes and make hella money while doing so.

He’s done his research. Support gear can cost anywhere from a couple thousand dollars to an arm and a leg and both your kidneys.

And it’s his dream to make that kinda money.

So he talks to his counselor about it, fills out the applications and waivers, takes the program’s entrance exam. And within a week he’s got his new schedule that’s got an extra two hours slapped onto the end of the day.

It’s gonna be so worth it.

—

And it really was.

The beginning of the year was covering what they should make support gear for, how to take the quirks and ideas of the heroes they’re working for and make them actually work.

But also the design process, how to research stuff, lab safety. How to make something look nice while not compromising its utility, costume design, branding. Different materials and their uses, different materials and how to work with them. How to deal with mistakes and set-backs. Avoiding burnout and getting literally burn.

The class was amazing. But his favorite part came later in the year.

The final project.

They were given a made up hero student’s profile and were told to create a support item for them. The file came with their name, measurements, hero name, quirk description, and several sketches of what the fake person looked like and of them using their quirk.

They were given a few deadlines and some profiles came with design requests, but for the most part they were allowed to go ham.

And go ham he did.

His assignment was a kid whose quirk was being able to float just himself. He got a couple sketches of what the kid’s costume already had and it looked like there was a bee theme going on.

So, naturally, he decided to give this kid a pneumatic nail gun.

...

Alright so maybe that wasn’t as intuitive as he thought it was. But the kid didn’t have any sort of weapon on him in any of the sketches!

And there wasn’t any sort of close combat abilities listed in the biography like some of his classmates’s people had, so the further this kid could be from the action while still packing a punch the better.

Hence the nail gun he was designing to look like a stinger.

He did his research. Looked up where the body’s vital organs are and read up on acupuncture. Looked up the damage that stab wounds can do and how fast a thing had to be going to go right through you.

Printed out some human outlines and wrote up a couple sheets that pointed out the “no-no spots.” And basically wrote a manual on how to use the thing and half an essay on why certain safety features were implemented to keep him and the fake kid from being sued.

And then halfway through actually building the thing he got the idea to add a paralytic substance.

And then he hated himself a little bit because he had to find a substance that would be non-lethal and would have the desired affect. And then he had to go to his teacher during his office hours to sit down and explain that yes he had this idea but he’s not entirely sure if it’s a good one.

And he wrote another almost-essay about what he chose as the paralytic substance and why he chose it and what the max amount the average person could take was so that he wouldn’t be liable if it was used improperly.

And then he recorded himself reading all of his paperwork both for extra credit and because apparently the kid’s bio said he was dyslexic and the teacher wanted them to do this as realistically as possible.

Probably would’ve been easier to just change the font but he’s come this far, might as well go the extra mile.

He paints the thing. Gathers up all his research and his concept sketches and his blueprints and his explanations and his recordings.

And he dumps them on the teacher’s desk and enjoys the lull in the class as the final projects get reviewed and graded.

They get to watch movies and Netflix with the TA while the teacher sits in the other room grading them.

He loved this class.

—

He still loves the class but it loses points for the fucking heart attack it just gave him.

Apparently the hero students they made shit for we’re real hero students. Actual, physical people who applied to the heroics department and got in. And may possibly one day be heroes if they didn’t fail.

And were going to come in and see the shit they made that passed inspections. And would be given said shit to use as part of their hero costumes.

In hindsight it should’ve been obvious, but Purpled cut himself some slack there.

At least his guy was nice. A little too excited at 4pm on a Thursday, but given the fact that Purpled just handed him a gun and said he could shoot people, it was understandable.

Purpled felt really good as he walked this Tubbo guy through the instructions again. Apparently he’d already been sent the paperwork and the audio before this. So all that was left to do was remind him about it the important stuff and then taking five wide steps back and letting him shoot at a practice dummy.

...

Well, Tubbo’s aim wasn’t his problem.

F to any villains and civilians in his way.

—

At this point, there’s probably some confusion.

“Purpled, why did you become a vigilante if your support gear inventing future looked bright?”

He’s getting to that!

He needs to talk about his junior year to give context for his senior year.

Which sucked absolute ass.

—

For one, Purpled’s quirk came in.

Now, normally that would be a pretty good thing. Somewhere around 80% of America’s population had quirks.

Four out of every five people had some sort of ability or abnormality that ranged from being able to detach your ear to having super strength. Getting one that wasn’t detrimental to your health, even at his age, was generally a positive thing.

Except Purpled’s actually sucked. Sucked so fucking bad.

Yeah, he was lucky in that he didn’t suddenly grow gills and need to live underwater for the rest of his life or something. But he honestly wished he could go back to a week ago when he didn’t have this quirk.

When he wasn’t constantly being forgotten by the people in his life because of a quirk he couldn’t turn off.

If it wasn’t for the fact that the quirk counselor’s quirk let them detect the use of quirks, he would’ve thought he’d lost it.

People forgetting his face, his name, his existence over the span of a week was hell. He had to show his mother his birth certificate and social security card and his baby pictures so that she’s remember she had another son. Let alone everyone else in his life that he only saw at school.

Oh god his fucking school.

The lengths he had to go to to keep his fucking scholarship was fucking nuts.

Classes were a nightmare with the teachers forgetting about him by the end of the period.

Things eventually got easier when he realized it was an area of effect thing and that he could shorten it to affect people within a few feet of him.

From that point on he just had to social distance from people like his life depended on it. Because his social and academic lives did depend on it.

He didn’t experiment with his quirk beyond that though. He hated it. He did everything in his power to keep it as tightly controlled as he could.

Until the one time he didn’t.

—

He was out to get another notebook because he’d severely underestimated how many notes he’d need to take for one of his classes. It was just supposed to be a quick stop on his way home.

He’d sat on the bus home with his quirk pulled in tightly around him, the force of it a buzzing weight on his skin that he refused to let go of.

He got off at a stop that wasn’t his but was closer to the dollar store he had in mind. He honestly didn’t expect to take more than ten minutes.

Then a guy walked in and loudly told the cashiers to hand over the money.

Purpled wasn’t that close to the front, but he peeked around the aisle and watched the robbery unfold.

The dude had what looked like leaves for hair and was holding the cashiers at gunpoint. There were two of them at adjacent checkouts, neither of them with any visible mutations. They actually might not have quirks.

Purpled has no idea what to do with this information.

His best bet was to wait for the heroes to arrive and stay quiet-

One of the cashiers was looking right at him. Robber guy noticed.

Turned around and pointed his gun at Purpled. Told him to get out from where he was hiding and to kneel on the ground in the open.

And Purpled was scared. He couldn’t move, he’d frozen.

The guy got loud and mad and he still had the gun pointed at him.

Purpled was panicking. His chest felt too tight and his quirk was freaking out. Buzzing harder than it ever has.

He couldn’t hold it. He let go.

...

For a moment, everything was still and everything was quiet.

Purpled felt light, he felt more at ease than he had in months.

Because his quirk was free and loose and everyone else in the room looked so fucking confused. Like they had no idea what was going on.

Like they just forgot what was going on.

And then the heroes arrived. How they knew to be here was anyone’s guess.

Purpled should probably give his statement.

Purpled was probably in shock though. So he forgave himself for shoplifting and not pulling his quirk back in. For just walking right out of the store and down the street.

Nobody shouted at him or called him back, so he assumed they forgot he was there.

He wished he could forget he was in the store for that moment too.

—

There’s a lot of other little things that lead up to Purpled being a vigilante, but those things don’t matter as much.

He drops out. It’s not hard to make people forget he even went to school.

He regularly breaks back into school to steal tools and materials for his projects and just wipes the people who walk in on him doing that shit.

Makes a costume but scraps it and decides to make several replicas of the top twenty’s costumes.

Because he’s realized that the wider he makes his range the less of an effect his quirk has on all those in range. Vice versa.

So the pro gamer move here is to make people forget what they saw the person in the pro hero costume doing instead of trying to make them forget they saw an unfamiliar figure doing shit.

Memory is reconstructive after all. Easily manipulated even without a quirk like his.

And he’s good at making his costumes and altering his appearance.

He probably won’t always do a good job wiping people’s memories though, so he lets it stick that there’s a vigilante that impersonates pro heroes. One that constantly shifts their appearance.

He even gets bold and makes a name for himself.

Swag_.

...

Listen he didn’t say it was a good name-

—

He doesn’t stop a lot of crime. And the people he does save often think they were saved by someone else.

But there’s always that one moment after he managed to save someone where they look at him. And they see him.

And that’s worth everything.

It’s not a selfless motive. It’s not a heroic motive.

But it’s enough of a motive for Purpled.

—

He doesn’t know how he got a following. Doesn’t know how he never noticed.

But he likes it. After the initial shock of seeing himself trending fades, he lets himself soak up all the positive attention.

And then he gets back to work.

#text post #lore post #ask purpled and blued #vigilante!purpled #purpled #purpled bedwars #superhero Au #gun mention #tw gun mention #ask to tag #long post #not proofreading this one

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lemonysharkbait · 3 years

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Code of the Hills

Tianshan fanfic, au set in the Ozark region of the U.S.

“Where’s your partner Red?”Guan Shan reigned in his panic a second too late and Click ate it up with a shit eating grin. The pain when it came was delayed, one blessing of being too fucked to walk straight enough if he wanted to. Guan Shan spit a mouth full of blood straight into Click’s leering face. Guan Shan knew his eye would be swollen for a week. If he made it past tonight.

- Warnings: Drug use, violence, dirty cops, lots of cursing, angst -

Read on OA3 for more notes

Guan Shan lapped at the blood pouring from his nose. He couldn’t taste shit, not with his gums numb and Click telling him to take another bump.

“This is Grade A shit Red. Where’d you say you get it from ‘gain?”

Guan Shan took the offered bump – his third in the about fifteen minutes he had been with Click in this fucking dingy-ass laughable excuse for a backroom at the local watering hole. He hadn’t had this much coke in years and it was already fucking with him, just like Click wanted it to.

“Told you being a cop came with perks.” Guan Shan turned and hocked a wad of blood and snot onto the floor.

Click laughed and hit Guan Shan between the shoulder blades with an open-palmed slap that was just north of friendly. “Get this man a whiskey.”

“Did’n think you’d come back te this place Red.”

Guan Shan nodded to the women who proffered him a whiskey and took a gulp.

“Ever the polite man. Sam’s got tits from here to tomorrow and you’re on better behavior than the priest during Sunday service.” Click dropped his voice “Ne’ver believed ‘em but you don’t do yourself no favors Red.”

Guan Shan sucked at his teeth. “Saving myself for Jesus.”

Click burst out into a laughing fit. “Got’ damn Red. You haven’t changed a bit.” He played with the bag of coke idly. “So you got more of this shit?”

“More and then some.” Guan Shan nodded and pulled out a cigarette. He could feel his fingers going unsteady and his words slurring, tongue refusing to cooperate.

Click smiled and it was deadly. “Sure thing Red. Sounds like we have some stuff to talk about. Why don’t you come back with us? We’ll drive you.”

Guan Shan didn’t respond. Just lit his cigarette and let the group of good ‘ol boys half push, half pull him out of the backroom, bantering like old friends, smiling like sharks. He was manhandled out of the bar and into the dark parking lot, shoved into a truck and closed behind the thunk of American steel.

He Tian sat nursing his beer. A tittering group out on a girl’s night tried to grab his attention for a little while but his best sad and broken act had them off and dancing. He was alone with those words playing through his head.

They’re gonna take me to the back. They won’t do anything at the bar so just go in a little while after me. Keep your damn head down. I mean it. No flirting, no stories, no chatting up the locals. No one can remember you were there. You need to be forgettable. Just wait and blend in. They’ll take me to Click’s place.

Follow without them knowing. Shouldn’t be too hard, they’ll be fucked up and won’t be expecting you. Then it’s your call. I don’t know how many there will be. If you can get the situation under control, do it. But if not just leave me. Finding out where this guy is based is more important.

They did come out, just like Guan Shan said. He Tian shrunk as best he could into the corner. Guan Shan’s copper eyes were bloodshot and he was stumbling. The group was rowdy, shoving him with a little too much joy. A cajoling on the sharp edge of vicious. A smear of blood decorated Guan Shan’s upper lip and his pupils were pinpoints.

He Tian waited until they were through the door before slipping out. He caught sight of Guan Shan being shoved into a beater pickup with truck nuts. Gritting his teeth, he willed himself to wait. It wouldn’t do Guan Shan any good to tip them off.

The drive was easy, following the road as it dipped and rose, hemmed in by the thick woods broken only by sudden bursts of sheer white limestone breaking through at odd angles, ragged and proud.

The moon was out and bright enough that He Tian could keep his headlights off and follow at a distance. They drove fast so it was easy to see they were turning when they slowed in a sudden tire-squealing crawl. The sides of their cars brushed the undergrowth creeping over everything.

So this was it. Asscrack of nowhere. Cicadas called out in an unending whine.

Guan Shan didn’t even try to catalogue where they were. He was too fucked up and anyways, Click was twitchy in a way that didn’t bode well for Guan Shan’s health.

They turned onto some hidden road and crawled through a winding path before the trucks stopped outside a meth den. The house was probably nice enough at one point. Dogs barked from somewhere and someone was yanking Guan Shan out of his seat. He was manhandled inside past a living room with a flickering TV into the kitchen.

“Feel like home Red?”

Guan Shan grimaced. “Don’t see why you dragged me here for.”

Click laughed. “You can stop playing dumb boy. This is some goodass shit you brought me, so I’ll thank you for that little gift. But there’s no fucking way that’s what you came out here all the way into the goddamn boones for.”

Guan Shan let one of Click’s men pull his arms behind him and zip tie them together by the wrist. He was too tired and sideways feeling. If he was going to get the shit kicked out of him anyways he might as well cooperate enough to prolong the inevitable.

“See’in as you aren’t saying nothing I’m gonna go out on a big-ass limb and say you agree?” Click said.

Guan Shan didn’t respond.

Click grunted out a laugh and kicked a metal chair over to Guan Shan. “Take a seat Red.”

With a hard stare fixed on Click, Guan Shan set his jaw and sat slowly.

“That’s a good boy. I didn’t think you’d go so easy. You’re either a complete dumbass or you have a death wish.” Click turned to the one guy who had followed them in, a big motherfucker bulked up from beers and red meat. “Tape ‘im down.”

The brute grabbed a roll of duct tape off the gritty counter and dutifully taped each leg to a leg of the chair and ran a few around Guan Shan’s chest and the chair back for good measure. The rip of duct tape and a whining light filled a tense silence.

It had been too long since he’d said something, but it was so hard to form words. The world swam and Guan Shan’s heart beat uncomfortably hard in his chest, urged to flutter faster than hummingbird wings by uppers that felt worse than one too many cups of coffee.

Click walked forward and leaned in close, the smell of stale cigarettes hitting Guan Shan’s nostrils like a mule kick to the chest.

“Where’s your partner Red?”

Guan Shan reigned in his panic a second too late and Click ate it up with a shit eating grin.

The pain when it came was delayed, one blessing of being too fucked to walk straight enough if he wanted to. Guan Shan spit a mouth full of blood straight into Click’s learing face. Guan Shan knew his eye would be swollen for a week. If he made it past tonight.

“Oh there it is. There’s our red-headed devil.” Click hacked out a deep laugh that turned into a coughing fit as he wiped the blood off his face with a black paisley handkerchief. Guan Shan glared as best he could and Click just leaned against the counter and lit a cigarette. Silence settled in.

“Bum me a square.” The words came gravely out of Guan Shan’s mouth but he was satisfied that his voice didn’t waver.

Click just laughed again, “I ain’t sitt’en here holding a smoke for you.”

“Gimme another bump then.”

Click’s expression turned sour. “You wanna be high for this Red? You’re a little shit, you know that? ‘Course you know that.” Click leaned forward. “You didn’ think we’d figure out you was with the DEA because you’re,” Click punctuated his words with a well-placed kick, “a dumbass,” another heel kick, the leather of his boots catching the ridges of Guan Shan’s ribs, “‘lil shit.” There was a special type of venom in the last word and the final kick that punctuated it was straight to Guan Shan’s gut.

Whatever was left in Guan Shan’s stomach came up onto the yellowing linoleum floor. The metal chair squealed halfway across the kitchen with the kicks.

Click looked pissed. “You can sing now or later, I don’t give a fuck Red. But we’re gonna get every little bit of information out of your dumb ass about why the fuckin’ DEA is out in the fuckin’ boones bothern’ us good folk.” Click placed his lit cigarette between his lips, nubby yellow crack teeth showing for a moment before he folded his arms and grimaced. “But first we have some other business.”

Click’s gaze flicked up to the mountain of a man that had been idly standing by like he was at a particularly boring church service. Guan Shan’s heart sank.

“Go out there and find ‘im.”

Guan Shan was knee deep into his next lie before he could think about it too hard, stemming panic from working its way in.

“Fuck off Click. I knew you’d be cautious but this is fuck’in overkill. That coke’s real, how’d you think I get it? Ask the DEA all polite-like? Fuck-off man. It’s just you ‘in me and you’re sending Brick House here out there to crash around in the dark chasing after shadows. You’ve been hitt’in the pipe too hard. Melt’n you’re brain and shit.”

Click seemed to consider Guan Shan for a moment and his tall lackey hung between leaving and staying, waiting for the verdict.

“So you admittin’ you’re with the DEA Red?” He took a deep inhale of his cigarette, the cherry lighting up with an audible crackling sound.

“Yeah. How’d you think I get this stuff? We busted couple hundred pounds of the shit I brought you tonight. And no one checks on it after it’s been logged. Everyone in that department is dipp’in into the shit we grab. Usually just for recreational purposes. But I can get you set up with a ‘lil bit here and there. Weed. Crack. Coke. Party pills. We get the big hauls ‘cause we go after the distributors. And there’s extra in it for you if you can give me some tips every once ‘n awhile.”

Guan Shan wasn’t surprised by the fist that connected with his face. He was really gonna look like shit once all this was through.

“You got’ damn motherfucker!” Click fisted his shirt, dragging him and the metal chair forward with a horrendous squeal against the floor.

“Did you just ask me to become an informant for the fucking cops? After everything I’ve done for you Red? Gave you a fuck’in home? Took you in? Then you go dissapear’n and we think you’re dead.” Click was really yelling now, his spit spraying over Guan Shan’s face. “We spilled blood over you Red. And then you show up fifteen-fucking years later looking like the day you disappeared and you have the fuckin’ balls to just think you gonna be welcome back here? You’re dead to us, Red.”

Click turned to mountain man. “Find his fucking partner. He’s lurk’in out there somewhere in the woods.”

“Wait, no, Click I’ll tell you whatever the fuck you want but if he’s out there he’s just look’in for me. He don’ know nothin and it’s not gonna help you much to have to deal with two of us. You’re gon’ have a harder time covern’ up two miss’in people. He ain’t even from around here and you know who they’ll start com’in after first.”

“Oh I know alright,” Click growled and brought his knee up hard into Guan Shan “I know ‘cause you’re here and we seen you come into town.”

Guan Shan was spluttering for breath, gasping, winded as he remembered the fucking truck stop. He Tian kissing him in the beat up Toyota and Guan Shan unwilling to push him off. Static of a station on the radio going in and out and crumpled chip bags crunching as He Tian leaned over the armrest.

Click stilled and Guan Shan lost the thread. Click had flicked open a knife large enough to skin a deer but before Guan Shan could tense the knife was cutting him free from the chair and Click was hauling Guan Shan to his feet.

The knife was back into Click’s pocket before Guan Shan could process what the hell was happening and he shoved roughly out onto the front porch. Moths and June bugs flew through the muggy air outside, circling the porch light. Guan Shan heard the cold click of Click’s gun as he cocked it and pressed the cool metal to the side of Guan Shan’s head.

“Come on out ‘for I splatter your partner’s brains all over my porch.” Click yelled the words into the darkness beyond the porch.

Guan Shan squeezed his eyes shut and grit his teeth. Keep to the plan. Keep to the plan. Start your mother fucking car and get out of here. Get out of here.

His prayers were in vain though. He Tian emerged into the porch light silently, hands up.

–

It had been quiet, which was good. Most of the group had broken off to go party somewhere or pick up more beer and drugs, obviously bored by having their night of partying cut short. That left Click with another giant of a man inside. Easy. He just had to wait for the right moment to get Guan Shan the fuck out of there.

He Tian made a loop of the house, quietly checking if the back door was unlocked or if any windows were open. The house was locked up but again, it wouldn’t be a problem. He just had to wait for one of them to come out for a smoke or grab something from their car.

It was too risky to just break in. He Tian settled in and listened. His fingers itched for a cigarette. He could hear the muffled voice of Click talking. That was good too. Hopefully that’s all they were doing, talking.

He Tian’s first indication that things had gone south was the sound of metal squealing and Click yelling. Someone grunted and retched, a wet splattering sound punctuated by coughs and gasps. He Tian saw red. Breath. Breath. Stay calm and wait. You’ll put him in more danger if you break in now.

He Tian wanted to move, adrenaline beating a tattoo against his veins. He was shaking with it. He Tian dug his nails against his palm, trying to distract his body from the need to move. It was a beat too late when he noticed things had gone quiet.

The front door burst open and He Tian almost bolted for the assholes right then and there. Guan Shan was a bloody mess, barely able to stand up. His eyes were already swelling, purple bruises forming shapes Rorschach would be proud of. His dark shirt was wet with blood and the thin skin above his eyes was split and still flowing.

But despite how much he wanted to raise his own gun and fill these fuckers with enough lead to down an elephant, he couldn’t take the chance. Not with Click pressing the muzzle of agun into Guan Shan’s bloody temple.

“Come on out ‘for I splatter your partner’s brains all over my porch.”

He Tian walked out with his hands up. Guan Shan made a noise somewhere between anger and despair.

He had one chance at this. One chance before the mountain of a man next to Click got to He Tian, patted him down, took his gun and then hauled He Tian inside to share in a few miserable hours as a punching bag before becoming catfish food.

“There you are pretty boy.”

He Tian showed concern, fear, anxiety. Let them mask his face. Let them make Click think he was safe.

“Din’ think I would have such a fun night! Your partner here is a fuck’in dumbass. That’s it, nice and slow.”

He Tian kept eye contact and suddenly, with enough slipping to seem real, tripped. And there it was. With the sudden movement Click reacted before thinking, swinging his gun from Guan Shan to He Tian.

The rest was a blur of instinct and a prayer. He Tian rolled and pulled his gun, aimed and fired.

–

It was over fast. Guan Shan stood stock still, trying not to pull Click one way or the other. It was only after Click slumped down and the mountain man crumpled did Guan Shan realize he was splattered in blood that wasn’t his.

It didn’t matter though because He Tian was there, his hands all over Guan Shan. A quick flick of a knife and Guan Shans hands were free.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

He Tian didn’t respond, simply went about checking Guan Shan over, pulling his shirt up and grimacing at the damage splayed across Guan Shan’s body, head bowed. Guan Shan could feel He Tian’s hands shaking where they balled up in his shirt.

“Hey, hey, come on. Let’s get out of here.”

He Tian’s jaw clenched. “You said they wouldn’t do anything.”

“Well I might have under calculated a few things.”

“A few–” He Tian shuddered, cutting himself off and Guan Shan’s world swooped for a second as He Tian swung him into a bridal carry headed for the car.

“I can carry myself, hey!” He Tian had Guan Shan in the car and was around and in the driver’s seat in one swift motion. It started up on the first try and He Tian was peeling out of the gravel lot and hurtling down the dirt road.

“Whoah, whoah, He Tian, where’s the fire? Slow the fuck down, we still gotta stay low.”

He Tian slammed the car to the stop. His knuckles were white around the steering wheel.

“Is it your first time? You know, doing that.” The words came out as a raspy wheeze and Guan Shan winced. He definitely had a cracked rib.

“Yes, sweetheart, it’s my first time dragging you as a bloody pulp out from a meth house where two motherfucking shit stains were ready to carve you up for entertainment.”

Guan Shan didn’t know why he suddenly felt like fighting but he dug his heels in. “It was our only way in, and now we know Click’s not the one who’s been mixing up the fake pain pills that have been killin’ people.”

A muscle jumped in He Tian’s jaw. The truck lurched forward. “We’re going to the hospital.”

“No we fuckin’ ain’t! Get your head on straight, He Tian, we’ve got a good half hour before the rest of Click’s ‘lil possy comes back from wherever they’ve been gettin fucked up, finds two cold bodies in the dirt and finds me not there and puts two an’ two together.” Guan Shan reached for the cigarettes He Tian kept in the cup holder. “What we’re doin’ is going back to our hotel, packin’ up our shit fast as we can, gettin’ back in this truck and driving as far away from this god forsaken place as we can.”

He Tian didn’t respond. Muggy summer air whipped around them through the open windows.

They rolled into town and Guan Shan relaxed when He Tian turned towards the motel.

“Stay here.” He Tian was out of the truck and headed into the motel before Guan Shan could say anything. He slumped into the seat and lit another cigarette.

Back on the road, orange street lights blurred by as He Tian pushed 100 down the highway. Guan Shan was crashing hard, his whole body ached and he knew tomorrow would be worse. He lit another cigarette, too tired to do anything else, too wired to sleep.

“You’re quitting this case.” He Tian’s voice barely rose above the hum of the car hurtling down the highway.

“I’m not talkin’ ‘bout this right now.”

“They could of killed you.”

“Yeah, and they coulda killed you too. I told you this isn’t like the city. The hills have their own code and these people live by it. Ain’t anyone coming to help hill folk.”

He Tian snagged the pack of cigarettes, depositing them out of reach in his car door. “So you’ve got to, is that it?”

Guan Shan grunted. “I don’t know He Tian. I just know people are dying and I have connections here and I’m gonna use them so we can stop the son of a bitch who’s been poisoning people.”

The cover of night slipped from around them, the first hints of dawn lightening the sky.

Guan Shan was somewhere between waking and fever dreams when He Tian spoke again.

“So what’s our next move.”

Guan Shan cracked his left eye open, the right one was too swollen to see out of.

“You’re sticking along with this thing? You ‘don seem like you like it much.”

He Tian snorted as though it was obvious. “I just killed two men, Guan Shan, I should think it’s obvious that I’m in this thing.”

Guan Shan closed his eye and hummed. “We’re headed in deep then, to a place where the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Where we’ll be alone. You ready for that?”

“Lead the way Red.”

I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments, questions- tell me what you think!

#19 days #19 days fanfic #dark themes #tianshan #he tian #mo guan shan #depictions of violence #midwestern gothic #set some time before cell phones #Code of the Hills #egregious use of apostrophes #the accent is a hick hill people twang #not a southern accent

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utterlyinevitable · 3 years

Note

Alrighty sooo we all know Becca but what about this woman named...Hannah in you WIPS? (and in my WhatsApp) 1,2,4,8,9,15,16,18,23,26,27,31,33,39,45,52,54,55 this shall keep u occupied lol

*sighs* Hannah Hannah Hannah... when will I finish your saga 😔

i’m going to use both prompt lists for this and choose my favorite questions aha

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything? & Age, Birthday, Star Sign

Hannah Amelia Weill

I really like writing complicated women with long names and multiple identities.

Growing up her friends all called her Hannie. She was always Hannah to her family and everyone who doesn’t know her intimately. One boy (’Bryce’) called her Han. Later in life her partner calls her Anna because of his thick accent. Her alias and the name she went by during her uni identity crisis was Leah, a derivative of her middle name.

I don’t like her last name so it may change to fit with the metaphor of the whole piece 🤷🏻‍♀️

The story moves between her being 16-18 and 23.

tbh i haven’t given much thought to her birthday 😂 i feel like she’d be an edgy libra

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them? & Gender Identity

Nothing formal lol

But her mother calls her a ‘hurricane’ and after high school that group of friends she had relegated her to a ‘selfish bitch’ and proceeded to cut her out of their lives without any warning. (side note: later in life she’ll realize she may have been The Toxic Friend)

She’s hetero female. Though she was bi-curious with only one friend when she was 17. She leaned into that for a while but realized women just weren’t doing it for her.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? & Race and Ethnicity

She’s estranged from her father and hasn’t seen him since she was five. She’s an only child and had some distance between her and her mother because of socio-economic factors. At her core Hannah is a private, enigmatic person and her mother always kinda let her do whatever she wanted as long as she kept her grades up. It wasn’t a bad childhood or growing up. There were some rough patches but she lived in a bubble compared to the rest of the world. When she moved away her relationship with her mother got better because her mom would call or text her every week to make sure she’s alive. She still does and Hannah sometimes doesn’t answer so her mom calls.

She’s white bread with European roots.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? & Weapon of Choice(?)

They had a dog which she loved and taught her the meaning of unconditional love. The dog even slept in her twin sized bed. As an adult Hannah is much to irresponsible (and self aware about this fact) to bring a pet into her life. She loves animals but keeps a distance and prefers the odd well behaved domestic pup.

She has wit, stoicism and psychological manipulations at her disposal.

9. Hometown and current residence

She grew up on the waterfront in Suffolk, New York. Now she resides in Southwark, UK.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking? & Can they sing? Can they dance?

She can cook if she has to. She’s not bad at it when she knows what she likes but she cannot handle another person in the kitchen with her and gets so so so angry when they make comments over her shoulder. Some times she gets the urge to bake but it’s TERRIBLE at dough so it’s just a box cake or cookies. Others think it’s edible.

When she’s older ‘Ethan’ teaches her how to cook fancy, complex meals and it’s rather meditative. And maybe she doesn’t mind having him in the kitchen with her.

She cannot sing to save her life. She has absolutely no rhythm. Doesn’t stop her from doing either. Her go-to dance of choice is a drunken grind.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? & Can they drive?

She doesn’t, well not really. She tries to hoard books but she’s moved around so much her moms outlook on life seeped in. Her mom always encouraged her to get rid of unnecessary things and so she has very minimal clutter (excluding her closet girl loves clothes). She does have a book shelf filled with CDs and vinyls and books and that makes her happy.

When she’s settled down and has disposable income she starts to collect tattoos and street art.

She can drive but doesn’t like to, especially in Europe. She’s thankful she lives in places with fantastic public transport.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else & Have any special keepsakes?

Books: she likes horror and drama as books she’ll read in public. When she’s alone she likes a romance book or young adult novel.

Music: folk, indie and alternative.

TV: comedy, drama, anything on the old CW was her jam. She likes dark humor.

Films: romantic comedy. she went through a phase of only watching foreign films to seem more cultured. she’ll only watch action if there’s a comedic lead because blood and gore disgust her.

Video games: she doesn’t play. never got into them. but she did try because ‘Bryce’ really loved his xbox and she loved ‘Bryce’.

The one thing she made sure to take with her was a throw pillow that she’s had since she was a kid.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

She remembers everything about the people in her life. For better or worse - it’s no bueno for her mental health because she overanalyzes everything and dissects it until she’s essentially fabricated a whole other reality.

She misplaces things all the time and gets mad about it. ‘Ethan’ finds it an endearingly annoying habit of hers.

She’s okay with names and better with faces. But she really identifies people by their vibe and how they make her feel. If she feels good she’ll remember every single thing about them. If they make her feel bad she’ll only remember the bits about that person that make her feel that way - even if it’s only one sentence out of an entire year of friendship, that person will become that one bad thing to her.

She never truly forgets someone. Sometimes it’s better to pretend like she did in order to save face.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? & Guilty Pleasure

When she’s happy she can do anything! She feels like she can fly. She usually is listening to a song and she’s very creative in this space. She parades around in her underwear singing at the top of her lungs when she’s alone. When she’s happy and with someone, she lets her guard down and shows who she really is. When she’s happy she’s the person she wants to be and not the front of an unbreakable woman she’s been pretending to be since she was old enough to remember it’s importance.

Oh yes, Hannah hides her emotions. it’s her MO.

Her guilty pleasure is popular culture. ‘Ethan’ makes fun of her for it but indulges her any chance he can get. For the longest time he’s also her guilty pleasure. She doesn’t want to like him from the beginning. But conversation just flows. And he’s such a Good Boy. she can’t help but fall for him quick and quietly.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad? & What’s their family like? Who’s in it? What’s their relationship with them?

People make her sad. Failure makes her sad. She’s trying to cultivate a better life she’s read about in stories and feels like she needs to be successful to show up everyone who’s ever doubted her. She needs to be successful to prove to herself that she’s not a waste of space and worthy of this existence.

But successful comes in all shapes and sizes. Which is something she’ll learn when she least expects it.

Hannah only lets herself cry less than a handful of times a year. Usually in the dead of night or in the shower. And only when she knows she’ll be alone the entire time.

After she falls for ‘Ethan’ she can’t control her emotions as well any more. He’s always there for her even if he’s the source of her tears.

When she’s mad it’s almost manic depressive. She gets really really low and cuts people out. ‘Ethan’ will not have that. He will not let her go through this alone. Even if she doesn’t want him to see her or hold her he’ll still only be a short walk away.

I think I answered this above ? Her family was her and her mom. They weren’t close growing up but once she moved away they both made an effort to keep in contact.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing? & What’s their current main conflict?

Yes. She chooses whiskey and scotch for the connotation associated with them. She cannot stand scotch but the commitment to the illusion is greater than her taste buds. Her new friend Polly introduces her to wine. She gets really bad stains on her lips from red wine and no one tells her this until she’s half a bottle down with ‘Ethan’ and he comments on it. She’s so embarrassed and rushed to the bathroom to wipe it off. He stands just outside the doorway laughing his ass off.

She’s the kind of drunk that wants a smoke or sex. Sometimes both.

When other people are drunk and she’s not she cannot stand it and avoids them. Unless it’s her roommates whom she cannot avoid. She’s teasing and loving and will be a complete idiot with them.

When ‘Ethan’ is drunk she lovingly teases him and finds him so fucking cute.

uhhhhh her main conflict during the entire series is trying to find herself. She needs to stop being the person she is out of necessity and be the person she doesn’t know who she is at her core.

Then there’s the conflict of falling in love with ‘Ethan’ given the circumstances and how stupidly happy he makes her. And the conflict of still loving the ‘Bryce’ she knew back then that still gives her butterflies and plagues her thoughts and dreams and then comes face to face with her temptation after all these years.

The Enigma, The Boy and the What If 👀

this girl’s just trying to figure life out because she didn’t have a strict parent to map her whole life out for her. it’s a blessing and a curse compared to all those she grew up with and modeled her life after. She’s just off on an unknown adventure making things up and she goes and stripping the past from her future.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties? & How have they changed over time?

She likes hipsters but if there’s an ounce of a chance she’s gonna be naked she needs a v-string even if they make her feel constipated. As for bras she loathes them. But apparently she needs them because of her body type. So if she’s gotta have a bra it’s padded and sexy. She’s not wearing it for her it’s for whoever will see her in it.

Eventually she’ll learn to love lingerie. For herself, not for ‘Ethan’.

The Hannah Evolution is messy.

A generally happy kid -> bogged down by having a single parent and the connotations that comes with that -> curating the perfect personality not to put strain on her mom -> creating an air of mystery and becoming an enigma. of never sharing her true feelings with anyone, even herself -> going after her dreams even if it pisses people off -> stupidly letting herself fall in love -> self sabotaging her happiness -> letting the facade crumble and rising from the ashes

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? & Your character walks into a cafe. What do they order?

Modern love letters are texts to wake up to and fall to sleep to. That’s something she romanticized with ‘Bryce’ and didn’t realize that meant nothing until ‘Ethan’ showed her.

Cappuccino. Probably a lemon poppy seed muffin. Or if they do sandwiches it would be a panini.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

Other people not related to her see her as arrogant and a closed book. She isn’t forthcoming and makes it really hard to get to know her on a personal level. That makes making friends in adulthood hard.

Her ex-friends see her as selfish and fake and can’t deal with the drama that seems to follow her. They are actually really resentful for how well life was panning out for her once they all stopped being friends.

‘Ethan’ is intrigued by her. She finds her brilliant and beautiful and he wants to know more about her. The difference is he’s willing to put in the work. He’s able to see the funny girl hiding behind the rogue exterior.

She varies in how she sees herself. Some days she loves who she is and walks down the street with unwavering confidence. Other days she cakes on a face full of make up and becomes her alter ego. She’s never truly fully happy with herself. Something inside her is constantly looking for the next best thing to happen in her life and it is detrimental.

52. How are you and your character the same? How are you different?

You can find the projection yourself 😅

I’m not as bold as Hannah. I also like to think I’m a little more lovable and have a better grip on reality than this mess.

54. What does your character want, and what do they need?

She wants to be successful and shove her success up the ass of everyone who told her no growing up. She wants to be on the cover of Forbes 30 under 30. She’s creative and a bit chaotic and follows whims. She just wants recognition.

What she needs is ‘Ethan’ and everything he’s opened her eyes to.

55. What’s your character’s core trait? What’s their best trait? What’s their worst trait? When happens when these all interact with each other?

Instability.

Her best trait is her drive. It’s a little shaky in the grand scheme of things but at her core she just wants the best life.

Her worst trait is her tendency to write and cut people off without another glance. She does it swiftly and unapologetically.

Gosh all of these things combined come out when she fights with someone and it’s terrible. There’s screaming and slamming doors and ‘Ethan’ doesn’t know what’s going on and wishes she’ll just talk to him. But she’s not that easy and he understands that but goddamn he loves her and for him this is worth fighting for.

THE END.

#aylaramseycarrera #asked #oc #hannah weill #fun fact: her last name is a typo that i took as a sign #to change from farina to weill lolll #theo zaino #elliott hensley #the enigma the boy and the what if #Ayla i required detailed feedback on this thank u much love

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tsukidotcom · 4 years

Text

Haikyuu HC to COVID-19 (Karasuno edition)

This is horrible 💀 im just so bored so I made whatever this mess is KFJSJDMSK enjoy

Hinata Shouyou

huh? isn’t it just the flu?

“No, hinata. People have died from it-“

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-

goes bananas

whenever someone sneezes or coughs, his soul leaves his body as he runs away to sanitize/wash his hands for a miserably long time.

eats an expired can of peaches thinking it’s his last resort

lowkey happy school is closed because homework sucks

but also highkey hates it because now all volleyball tournaments are closed

then gets all angry when he realizes he’d have to do online school???!!?? like wtf he got jipped.

thinks they could still do volleyball if they did online calls cus if the school can do it,, then vOLLEYBALL CAN

will probably miss half of the class calls from oversleeping/forgetting anyway.

sheepishly ask yamaguchi, yachi or tsukishima for help on assignments/notes. (he will NEVA ask kageyama. he’s always in competition with him here!)

still practices volleyball 24/7 in his backyard or room (maybe even with his baby sister??)

He’s really good at practicing all by himself from practicing all alone in middle school—

but will probably go crazy being alone all the time with his family. he just wants to play volleyball with the team again.

looks up “what to do when you’re bored” or “what to do at home while in quarantine” on youtube

Kageyama Tobio

probably says he’s immune to the corona because he’s just better than everyone else

doesn’t really think it’s real until school shut down because of it

When he sees that corona is airborne he wont know what that means so he’d probably think it’s produced by air itself?? which makes him think air is trying to kill the human race?? and will be so confused as to why it decided to pop up now???

DESPISES online school. He had enough trouble understanding it from the gecko, so now he has to learn it basically all by hiMSELF?!?

And no way is he just gona email the teacher for help. If he does it’s gonna be only once in his lifetime. Anymore than that he thinks he’s doin too much. He doesn’t want his teachers thinking he’s dumb 😭

he says literally nothing during the calls he just tries to pay attention? and fails because he’s on a computer. in his room. alone. he’s bound to daze off or stare at a pen for 5 minutes.

Obvi still practices volleyball. Very much misses it. At least Hinata had his sibling to practice with him. tobio is a lone wolf in his household.

When his mom goes out to get groceries he gives her one of those doctor masks so she doesn’t catch corona.

Few moments later through the internet he realizes that corona is smaller than air molecules so if you can breathe through something you could still get it so he struggles for an hour thinking he just killed his mother

When his mom is back he keeps his distance in case she’s carrying the plague

omg did she just cough or am i imagining things no she definitely coughed she has corona oh oh god

In reality she was just clearing her throat.

is lowkey worrying about everyone and how they are 🥺 (yes, maybe even hinata).

thinks he’s science smart by calling it covid-19 than corona.

Asahi Azumane

He just worries about everyones health

like he just imagines the worst case scenario’s and starts to get really worried if people got it. Always checks on everyone and asks if they’re feeling any symptoms of corona ❤️

He’s either not gonna get it or he gets it and dies there’s no inbetween

but he’s jesus himself so theres no way he nor anyone in his bloodline can get it

is very happy to know that dogs can’t get it.

Takes online school seriously and tries his best

And is honestly so sad school just ended??? even if it’s temporary, he could be learning, playing volleyball, and going about his day instead of staying in a cage. he’s a third year so—how would graduation even go..?

always is up to date on the news !! and notifies everyone if anything important is added/changed.

Always tells everyone to stay safe! Whether through text or before ending a call.

only buys a lot of toilet paper from the fear of there being no toilet paper in stock since evERYONE IS BUYING IT-

Starts to try new hobbies that he put off for the longest time cus quarentine is rlly getting to him.

Is all out a family guy so he doesn’t mind the extra time with his family.

Nishinoya Yu

OAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA

420 blazin’

thinks going outside means you’re instantly gonna die from corona attacking your white blood cells (????)

but also probably doesnt care as he goes outside like everyday to run around and get rid of energy (and to practice volleyball, of course).

also why is it called white blood cells when blood is red ☠️ smh

Buys 101611018320129 bags of chips because that’s his comfort food

yay more gaming time!!!

Noya🐒: Tanaka do u wana play minecraft 2getr latr?

Tanaka🍌: HELL YEAH!!

doesn’t shower for three days straight because screw personal hygiene!! No more school!!! Can do whatever he wanted!! It’s basically summer!!!

until he’s forced to do online school.

Is def the class clown. Probably somehow kicks the teacher out of the call through a little bit of hacking.

“alright guys so i’ll be you’re substitute teacher for the day-“

tbh acts the same as he would in school. maybe a little more rebellious because, i mean, what is the teacher gonna do? send him to DETENTION? call his mOMMY?

Calls/spams literally everyone in his contacts because he’s so bored and lonely. Answer him!! Y’all will be on facetime for hours!!

He’s fun to facetime.

Will call you a loser if you don’t have an apple iPhone because then he can’t facetime you and facetiming is one of his favorite things to do to pass time (besides gaming)

HE A TRUE GAMER

Okay but he lowkey still tries at school for the sake of his grades and his future ;-; maybe calls asahi or sugawara for help??

always looks up his homework on the internet to see if he can get an answer key or something (he did that anyway even before corona but)

will do one subject for 3 hours thinking he’s finally done with everythinf till he realizes he has like 4 other subjects and needs to do those too.

Sending memes all the time

Tsukishima Kei

oh, what about corona again?

honestly could give NO fucks??. like ABSOLUTELY ZERO. nonxistent.

doesn’t even remember it’s still happening half the time.

is surprisingly very knowledgeable about corona.

he’s just smart and sciency¿ so he understands the ins and outs of corona like how it works and how its spread.

so if you tRULY want any update or background info on the corona virius, ask Tsukishima.

bitch don’t touch me you have rabies.

doesn’t care that he’s obligated to stay at home because he would have stayed either way. he very much likes being alone.

might go a little crazy cooped up in his room so he’ll hang with his brother/family or go outside before he says ‘okay that’s enough’ and goes back to his room.

isolation? oh okay *puts on headphones*

he rlly gonna be rocking it out in his room cus he can listen to music all day any day

developes a really bad sleep schedule since he had no way to get rid of the energy he got rid of at school.

still a huge tease so he says everyone has the corona virius.

is never online on social media which means he’s never up to date with his frIENDS. Doesn’t have a clue what those dipshits are doing and could care less (besides yamaguchi,, they probably facetime or call thru skype or something).

I bet the whole volleyball squad has a groupchat and honestly he puts all notifs on mute cus his phone keep goin DING DING DING DI DING ID DID IDKNG DING DIG

Brother: Omg why are you getting so many text messages?

Tsukki: Shut up

if he is online on the gc and he texts it would be simple replies like “Hi” “Okay.” “No.” “Goodbye.” and then he’s gone for another week

every first year is begging on their knees for tsukishima to give the answers or help them out and he obviously says: go do the hw yourselves idiots

besides yamaguchi!!!! again!! cus theyre gay for each other

maybe practices once in awhile with his brother or alone in his backyard but he doesn’t care

Tanaka Ryuunosuke

buys 101817 pounds of toilet paper because everyone else is? but not because of the same reason as asahi. he thinks toilet paper is the cure to corona.

GO STUPID AAAAAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAAAAAAAA-

probably has a part time job at a grocery store so he still has to go to work 😭 i dont even know how he could have a job in the first place he’s probably always late-

still gamin with noya of course

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM IM PLAYING MINECRAFTT

also buys like all the junk food thats in stock. and since he works at the grocery store he gets a ton of coupons and deals.

texts Kiyoko everyday goodmorning ❤️❤️❤️ and goodnight 😘😘 texts just to be left on read.

“i love it when she ignores me !!!”

scrolls through tiktoks for 1000 hours to pass time

School Is For Losers!!

similar to noya, he thought it was basicaly summer until he realized they were gonna be doing online school. literally had a fit and said he didnt wanna do jack squAt

Laughs so hard when nishinoya somehow kicks the teacher out of the call he’s like laughing so loud and hard he starts crying

all of the sudden has a better view on school

gets excited when he sees nishinoya on the call

makes funny and ugly ass faces when the teacher isn’t looking. everyone laughs and the teacher’s like 🤨

probably uses the green screen effect so he can change hus background (somehow) and accidentally misclicks a file so a girl wit a bikini becomes his background for .5 seconds before changing it to a cursed meme:

doesn’t get half the shit the teacher is talking about

but it’s okay because the half he doesn’t get is the other half noya gets

and the half noya doesnt get is the orher half tanaka gets

they’re two peas in a pod 🥰

until they try explaining it to each other and suddenly get confused?? mental malfunction ¿?

yeah im SMART!!!

s -

m -

a -

r - penis

t -

Daichi Sawamura

quite calm about the whole coronavirus

like he knows it is serious and understands how it is spread but he’s still calm about it??

tells everyone to sanitize and wash hands on a regular. and social distancing!!

honestly still wakes up like he does on normal school days and does all his academics just fine.

he even does gym activities (besides volleyball) for 30 minutes to an hour!!!! he be running on that treadmil! getting stronk!

does each subject on his own for 20-40 min each day. he’s really good at self discipline

makes sure sugawara and asahi are up to date on school work and will gladly help.

sadly can’t help the first years (and probably second years) because that info is deep in his brain and basically forgot how to do it after a year or two of not using it.

VERY VERY VERY sad that volleyball nationals are cut off. this is his last year and for it to be??? gone??? just because of some flu?!?! hates it.

he wishes school to go back and still has hope that school will go back to normal in a couple of weeks (even though it’s a slim chance).

asks the teacher questions whenever he has questions. He’s also vv considerate so he’ll ask questions he knows the answer to but asks them for anyone who’s confused ab it/wants to ask but is too shy. (literally i lov daichi sm)

Eats a healthy amount of everything

asks asahi for any updates on corona even though he’s quite up to date himself. he just wanna make sure he didn’t miss anything.

also doesn’t mind being around his family. he’ll do more chores around the house to help his parents out :> he’s literally perfect wtf

def does worry about everyone in the volleyball gc and anyone else he has contact with. Will also email classmates and ask if they’re doing all right. Even away from volleyball he’s a team player ☺️✌️

Is happy for the rest of the day when asahi tells him dogs can’t get corona.

Yamaguchi Tadashi

oaoaiquqhdkoaiaagadjsiwi?

doesn’t know what to believe anymore

keeps in touch with everyone!! always online 24/7 on social media, vball gc, you name it.

Literally everyone is acting so normal why are people so calm am i the only one worrying about this and the worlds future like this year has been really bad so far for not just me but the whole nation actually the entire world honestly like war almost broke out in january and now this corona stuff is really buttering my crissont the wrong way-

Even though tsukishima literally gives No Fucks, yamaguchi is the complete opposite.

like tsukki and yamaguchi call on skype and eVERY TIME yamaguchi starts with ‘how have you been? do you feel sick at all? have you drank enough water today?’ and so on

“What are you even worrying about?”

“Well...what if you get the corona virius?... it can be deadly, you know!! Thousands of people have died from it!!! The fact school is shutting down and people are panicking is making me feel like i should be panicking-“

Tsukki will then snarkily reassure him it’s fine and people their age are the least likely to get it bad.

Yamaguchi will feel a little better afterwords

“Thank you, Tsukki!”

Tsukki will ‘tch’ it off

Even though he gets really good grades he has triuble finding motivation to do any school work?? doing school work in his own home? 😐

His home was kinda a place he can chill whereas school is a place he can be fully focused

but now his home is ALSO school??!!?

Luckily he understands the work, at least.

When he sees tsukishima on the call, too, he instantly says hello.

“Tsukki!! Hey!! 😁”

“Shut up.”

“Gomen, Tsukki.”

Yeah. Even when they aren’t at school, he’s still the same as always.

He takes extra care of his family and always stays in touch with other relatives. Especially grandpa and grandma. THE SECOND he learned elderly people are at more risk you bet your ass he’s calling them making sure they’re okay. He checks up on them everyday now.

He peobably practices volleyball a little, too. He’s more focused on schoolwork though.

Sugawara Koushi

Have you guys ate dinner yet? 🥺

obviously checking up on everyone

he would fail as a mother if he didn’t.

Actually reads in his free time?? He finally has time on his hands to read these books so.... here we are!

Wakes up at a scheduled time everyday (minus weekends. Maybe sleeps for an extra hour or so).

He dresses in pjs rather than actual clothes because he’s not going anywhere with this social distancing thing.

Always tries to lighten the mood when all the students are on the online call. Maybe crack some joke or innocently play around with the effects.

He still pays close attention in class and does quite well on his own. No help from his parents! He can do everything on his own! He a big boi!

Does homework really well, too. Probably does extra work or more work than needed just because it makes him feel good afterwords.

Honestly i can see him cooking in his free time. If he doesnt feel like reading or scrolling mindlessly through his phone, he gonna cook.

Will make the best cookies in the universe.

HAS A HECK OF A SWEET TOOTH. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT HIM GETTING HIS PRETTY HANDS ON SUM TREAT

Honestly isn’t too good with exercise so he might gain a few pounds or grow the smallest chub 🥺🥺🥺 he would be so cute omfg.

is realy involved with his family!! they play a board/card game every friday night and have the best time.

if he has a dog, cat, or literally any animal you know he’s gona be hanging with them since he has more time.

Still! Playing! Volleyball! I mean by now every boy is practicing at least a little bit. He would probably be in his backyard playing volleyball with his family. Theyy’d set up a net and everythin! They’re all rookies at it but he still cherishes the moments with them.

It’s honestly still practice. Better than nothing

He talks about how his family plays volleyball and everyone is so jealous like 😭😭 makes him more grateful hearing half the volleyball team saying they have to practice alone.

Watching youtube videos of random videos/vines making him giggling.

“Hey, Dachi, look at this video.”

IS A SWEETHEART STFU !!!

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hoovii · 4 years

Text

If You Only Knew, You'd Hate Me

Pairing: Bucky Buchanan x OMC (Zebediah Kaskitt)

Summary: Bucky and Zebediah had a fleeting interaction years ago and Zeb has been hung up on the boy ever since. Even with his arrogant and dismissive exterior, Zeb still tries to make a connection.

Warnings: swearing, shitty parenting, physical abuse, emotional abuse, biphobia, talk of abortion, angst, but not completely

Tagging some people I know wanted to read: @btrmuffins @lykenbcrn @diagnosed-crazy

Let me know if you want to be tagged

Bucky was exhausted. He had taken a beating when his mother found out about the B he had gotten on his calculus test. How did he manage to fuck up so badly? He had been doing so well. He was getting perfect grades. He kept the house clean and had been preparing meals. He hadn't earned a punishment in days.

Bucky came home from school in a good mood. He hadn't gotten into any confrontations. Everything had gone smoothly. His mother sat at the kitchen island, waiting for him. Bucky immediately tensed. He knew he had done something wrong. He could tell by the look on her face. Had he forgotten to do the dishes? Or bring in the mail? He'd brought the laundry downstairs, right?

"Have a seat."

Bucky quickly took a seat on one of the stools. He looked at his feet, eye contact was disrespectful. She took his hand in hers, setting them on the table. She was always so calm when she spoke to him, the opposite of his father.

"I saw your calculus test."

He hadn't even seen that test yet. Obviously he hadn't done well. Calculus was hard and he remembered struggling during that test.

"You got a B? That is unacceptable Bucky. You understand that you need to be taught a lesson right?"

Of course he did. He should've studied harder. He should have put more work in. He should've played closer attention in class. He needed this. He deserved this.

"Yes ma'am." He nodded.

She slammed his hand into the marble three times exactly. He held the tears in. He'd learned not to cry, it only made things worse.

"Now, do your chores and study."

He did the dishes first. There weren't many, only the ones his mother's breakfast this morning. He didn't let himself cry until he was in the basement. He pulled the clothes down that stuck to the bottom of the shoot. As he sorted the whites and brights the tears continued to race down his cheeks. His hand throbbed, he could still move it so it wasn't broken. It was a reminder to do better though. How could he be so stupid? He couldn't even do well on a simple math test. He wasn't good enough for anything.

Later that evening he was studying his calculus, running over and rerunning over the content he wasn't absolutely certain on. He heard his father and mother talking in the room next over. He knew it wouldn't be good. He knew he didn't want to hear it, but his curiosity got the better of him.

"Your son got a B on his Calculus test." His mother.

"A B! That boy. When will he learn?" His father's yelling and thundering footsteps.

"I already handled it, dear."

"God, that kid really can't do anything. 'I want a child' you said. How well that turn out? The kid's a fuck up."

"Yes, I know, but what were we supposed to do? Get rid of it? We would be the laughing stock of the town."

Bucky toned them out. He knew his father was right, but it still hurt to hear. He lied there for hours just staring at the ceiling. He passed out sometime in the early hours of the morning.

He woke up tired. Bucky got up at 5:59 am every morning, making sure to shut his alarm off before it could wake his parents. He didn't need to be taught that lesson, especially not today. Today was the first day of cheer. He couldn't afford not to be in good physical health. His parents did love him though. They just had a different way of showing it. They pushed him to be the best be could be. It could've been worse.

On cue he shut the alarm off on his phone and quietly made his way to the bathroom. He had a dull throbbing in his hand. It would have to be covered, along with the dark circles under his eyes. God why was he such a mess all the time?

He took the red lipstick, concealer, and powder that he bought and started to paint his skin back to perfection. That was an awkward trip to the store. Everybody knows him so of course, the cashier gave him the eye. He had claimed it was for his mother. What a good son he was. He shopped for his mother. Nobody could ever find out about what went on in his house. It would be the end of him.

Bucky had to make sure everything was perfect before leaving. Short curls styled, varsity jacket ironed and pressed, teeth sparkling white. He skipped breakfast, hurrying to his vehicle. It was flashy and loud, like him. He had to make it to the school by seven so he could meet Principal Lee and the Aceys for a student council meeting. He walked into the school and greeting the group with his million-dollar smile.

"Zebediah, it's time to get up kiddo!"

Zebediah rolled to check his phone. He groggily wiped the sleep from his eyes. 'CHEER TRYOUTS' shined directly in his face. Of course! Today was cheer tryouts. He hadn't made the cut last year, but he had worked his ass off over the summer to be able to make the squad this year. He quickly got dressed wearing one of his nicest outfits, which to be fair wasn't very nice, but it was what he had. He trotted down the stairs to a cauliflower breakfast.

"Hey, Zeb. You're looking snazzy today."

His dad said, falling into his chair at the table.

"It's cheer tryouts, remember honey? He's trying to impress that boy."

Zeb's pa took his seat beside his dad, handing him the days paper.

"Oh that's right, so we decided on boys now?"

Zebediah shrunk in on himself. He finished his breakfast as quickly as he could before heading outside. Why did they have to do that? Why couldn't they just accept that he liked boys and girls? Out of all people he thought they would understand. But they still loved him. It could've been worse.

Zeb paused in front of Zebina's door, waiting for her to come out. He bounced up and down on his toes, nervousness,, and excitement filling him. Zebina finally ran out the door, ponytail in her mouth as she tried to fix her hair up out of her face.

"Come on Diah, we're going to be late."

Zebina pushed him down the steps and down the street.

"No we're not Bena, it's 7:30."

"Yeah, Diah. We're supposed to be there at 7:30."

She grumbled something and they walked, well Zeb sort of skipped.

"Wanna study after school?"

"Sorry Bena, no can do. I've got cheer tryouts today." He gave a cheeky grin.

"You mean you have to go stare at Bucky today. You how big of an asshole he is right?"

But Zeb wasn't listening, already off in a daydream. Bucky wasn't as bad as everyone said. Okay, maybe he was kind of a dick, but he was pretty. Not that that was important, but it didn't hurt. he had redeeming qualities, and that's what Zeb liked to focus on. He had seen them before.

A couple of years ago Zeb was out after curfew. He had snuck out of Zombietown and into the nicer side of Seabrook. It was beautiful. The colors were stunning, even in the dark everything was so much brighter than Zombietown. Pastels peaked at him, shining brighter in every street light. Zeb could stare forever. Pinks, blues, yellows. They had grass and not just grass; they had flowers. Flowers that bloomed in even more colors than the houses. He could live here. He could find someone and he could be happy. They could buy a little pink house. They could have a dog, and kids. Yeah, he could definitely live here.

The sound of a trashcan hitting the pavement and a yelp drew his attention to a nearby alley and a figure laying on the ground in it. Zeb debated making a run for it but that stupid little angel on his shoulder made him check to see if the person was okay. He pulled his hood to cover more of his face before making his way over.

The person, who, now, clearly was a boy, sat on his knees, staring at the pavement. Zebediah held out his hand. The boy stared it before slowly taking it. He went to look Zeb in the eyes but Zeb hid his face. This, of course, didn't stop him from seeing the tears that stained his cheeks and the ones that still threatened to fall. A bruise was forming on his face, he assumed from the fall.

"Are you okay?"

"Please, don't tell anybody."

Zeb could barely get out his sentence before the boy blurted it out. He sounded so desperate, a sob hidden in his sentence.

"As long as you don't tell anybody."

Again, his little chuckle was interrupted by the grief in his voice.

"Yes, yeah, of course. Anything."

The two stood in a long silence, neither moving to leave.

"I have to go," Zeb finally spoke. "But you should get yourself fixed up."

"Thank you."

Zebediah could not stop thinking about that night. He couldn't get the boy's face out of his head. And when he was finally allowed to go to school with people. He was elated. Maybe he'd see him again. He wasn't expecting to see his face plastered all over the school. Bucky. Bucky Buchanan. He liked it. He thought maybe Bucky would've been that quiet kid in the back of the class. Not the most popular kid in the school. And certainly not the one leading the raid against zombies.

It definitely was a blow that Bucky wouldn't give him the time of day, or that he didn't remember him. To be fair, he hadn't given him much to remember. Zeb still clung onto that exchange. He was a better person than he was acting like. If he would just show it. Oh, how he wished he could be the one to bring that out in him.

When he learned that zombies could be on the cheer squad last year he was elated. That was another chance to get close to Bucky. That split second when Bucky looked him in the eye as he ripped up his number card in half was heaven. Zebediah swears up and down that there was a soft in his face. Zebina calls bullshit. This year he was almost positive he was going to make the squad this year. He had been working hard over the summer and this year Addison was the cheer captain. Addison was way more lenient than Bucky.

"Hey jackass, are you listening to me?"

Zeb blinked back into his surroundings.

"What? Yeah."

"What did I say then?"

"You were stressing out for no reason over the psychology test that you are undoubtedly going to ace."

"Lucky guess." Bina gave him a look.

They were at school already. You know what they say. Time flies when you're daydreaming about a ten-minute interaction that happened years ago. It was fifteen till eight, which meant that Bucky and the Aceys would be going in to sit at their table soon.

"I want breakfast."

Zeb immediately beelined for the cafeteria, already forgetting his promise of eating. He found the table they always sat at. It had a perfect inconspicuous viewing spot. Bucky also had to walk by it on his way. God, what was taking Bina so long? She had to sit down before they walked by or else Bucky would think he was a loser with no friends.

Zebina sat down next to him starting to eat her food before Zebediah knocked the breakfast sandwich out of her hands.

"Hey Bucky. Hope your first day of cheer season goes well."

The four didn't acknowledge the comment and proceeded to sit at their table, engaged in their own conversation.

"I think he smiled."

Zeb sighed, leaning his head into his hand. His eyes never wavered from their target.

"I think you're delusional."

Bina could say what she wanted but Zeb knew what he saw. Bucky smiled at him. Today was going to be a good day. He knew it.

Zebediah only had one class with Bucky: psychology, which he also shared with Zebina. Zebina and Bucky were all in the smart people classes. Of course, Zeb was doing terrible in that class, never actually paying attention to what was being said. He always tried but he just always got distracted. Today was no different. He set out his notebook and pencil, ready for a full forty minutes of learning. Then Bucky walked in and that idea went out the window. He was so smart, always had the answer. Everything he said was golden.

Zebediah wouldn't say he was obsessed. Zebina would, but Zebediah wouldn't. It's not like he was all he thought about every second of every day. He just couldn't help but think about him when he was in front of him. He just had a demanding presence. He drew eyes to him. He'd answer a question and he'd just speak with such confidence. He'd be able to recite it word for word from the textbook. Bucky always looked so relaxed yet so focused. Zebediah would just glance over for a second and then the bell was ringing.

Lunchtime couldn't come quickly enough. He found Zebina and they hurried to get whatever was being served today and not have to wait in line. That of course, was not the case, and they found themselves at the back of the line. Zebediah was rambling and couldn't help but notice that Zebina was even less engaged than usual. He followed her eye-line to the wolves sitting at a table in the cafeteria.

"So the werewolves huh?"

Zeb asked her as they were being served...food.

"What? No, I just uh..."

Her mouth mimicked a fish as she struggles to come up with an excuse.

"They're really cool. Let's sit by them."

"What? No!"

But Zeb was already walking toward their table, waving.

"Hey. I'm Zebediah. This is my friend Zebina. Can we sit here?"

Zebina was mortified, and completely awestruck at how he could just talk to them and be so normal about it. The wolves were so badass. They looked a little skeptical but eventually nodded. They introduced themselves and the group actually found conversation quickly. They were laughing and enjoying themselves. Zeb hadn't looked at Bucky once and Zebina hadn't taken out a single piece of homework. The bell rang and they were actually disappointed.

The rest of the day went by ridiculously slowly. Zeb was constantly checking the clock. He had to make cheer this year. It was his last chance to actually get close to Bucky. They'd graduate and he would go off to do great things while Zeb was stuck in Zombietown.

Zebediah wasn't exactly shining star material. He didn't have 100s in every class like Zebina. He wasn't a cheer rockstar like Bucky. He wasn't a football star like Zed Necrodopolis, or a computer whiz like Eliza Zambie, or an art prodigy like Bonzo whatever his last name was. He was just average. Nope. He was not going into that. The bell of his last class finally rang and you'd think that Zeb was practicing for track with how quick he raced out of the classroom. He was actually so fast he was the first one in the gym. He was going to get this. He had to get this.

Part Two

#if only you knew you'd hate me #chapter one #disney channel original movie #disneys zombies #disney #disney zombies #z o m b i e s #z-o-m-b-i-e-s #bucky buchanan #bucky zombies #tw: swearing #tw: abuse #tw: mention of abortion #tw: biphobia

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internaljiujitsu · 4 years

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5 Realizations That (Finally) Got Me Off The ADHD Treadmill

I used to hate reading books. I did it anyway but couldn’t last more than five or ten minutes before dozing off or having my mind dart away to distant lands. Like the skinny kid with no appetite that had to force feed himself to pack on muscle, I shoved books into my brain because I hated the idea of not being well read more than I hated reading.

As a kid, I often left things undone. — or worn out to the nub. After beginning enthusiastically, I’d soon lose steam and beat myself from pillar to post for quitting. I’d always hang around through the torture just to avoid the sting of giving up again. Once the interest was gone, whatever I was doing became pure misery. This would inevitably lead to mental and physical breakdown, as every cell in my body rejected the reality my mind was accepting.

I got good grades and excelled athletically but always thought I could do better. There seemed to be a gear missing — the one that I just knew could take me to a place that felt right. If I were just better, more disciplined and able to focus more — but I didn’t think I had it in me.

Back then, I didn’t know I was working with a slight disadvantage. While medication has played a crucial role in managing my ADHD, and no doubt would have made a massive difference in my childhood, it’s been just as important to build coping and productivity skills. While ADHD makes it difficult to work for other people, it also challenges your ability to self-regulate. Your perception of time is thrown off, so keeping track of your own schedule can be tough without a system.

Before I ever tried medication, in my forties, I spent my life learning skills to make up for what I saw as inadequacies. I’m thankful that I built a technical foundation before supplementing with chemicals, but eternally grateful for what meds have done for me. Once I was properly diagnosed, I realized that the progress I was able to make on my own was astonishing. Giving myself credit for putting in the work motivated me further. The medication made it all click. It was the missing piece I’d been searching for after years of hard inner and outer training.

Here are my five keys for finally jumping off the ADHD treadmill. Once I inserted these into my belief system, I no longer felt hopeless. The limiting, negative self-talk stopped. It took a long time to finally put everything together, but the results have been life changing.

Meds Are Not Evil

Like a lot of other people, I didn’t believe ADHD was real. My perception was that it was a made up disorder designed by drug companies to pump kids full of personality stifling drugs — an excuse for parents to medicate energetic kids and abdicate responsibility.

Meanwhile, I lived every day in lonely terror, until my symptoms became so overwhelming that I became suicidal. At that point, medicine was my last hope. I read books, meditated, prayed, had countless therapy sessions, including EMDR, and took massive action to change my life — but I hit a healing wall. I needed a boost.

The wiring in my brain makes it so ADHD medication that would make the average person speedy simply makes me feel normal. I am no longer listless and suicidal, disappointed in myself because my aspirations outweigh my self-belief. Before meds, it felt as if I was receiving random radio signals from everywhere. The one that always caught my ear never had anything good to say. Still, my disciplined nature dragged me through my days.

The stigma against medication and the dangerous abuse of these drugs by the general public has left many people unnecessarily living in misery. Prisons and homeless shelters are purgatories for the mislabeled, ignored and discarded members of society unlucky enough to suffer from mental illness. How many of those fortunes could have been altered with the right diagnosis, treatment and protocol?

2. Medication + Discipline = Badass

As a person that uses discipline as therapy, I once thought I could muscle my way through pain. Becoming older in the martial arts world means you have to fight smarter. That’s the trade off — you are wiser and have a much better understanding of your art, but your body does not react the same. Nature seeks balance.

But fuck that. If you take care of yourself, you can whip on the youngins long after your head is covered in gray. Combining experience with conditioning makes you unstoppable. That’s how I see my mental health approach.

If you have no clarity, you won’t make the best choices. You simply can’t see what’s in front of you without a trained eye. The frantic nature of the ADHD mind is like a white belt thrown into what we call the “shark tank.” It’s a relentless onslaught of tough competitors coming in fresh at intervals to continuously beat your ass. No place for white belts. That’s what life feels like off my meds.

The passions that occupy my time have kept my brain buzzing enough to distract me from my buzzing brain. Now that the unwanted chatter is gone, I can feel the good kind of buzz — the warm, fuzzy feeling of loving what I do without feeling like I have to do it.

Would I have preferred avoiding all the pain I felt over the years and just been medicated all along? No. If life didn’t necessitate that I acquire the skills that I have, I wouldn’t have been driven to pursue them. I may have relied too much on the drug. I would not have changed. But I have a feeling the relief of the meds wouldn’t have been enough — It’s just not who I am. I know that now. Eventually, I would have gone searching. At times I almost feel like I have an unfair advantage now. Technical ability and practical experience. Strength and skill. Balance. I’m glad it happened the way it did.

3. You Feel How You Eat

While nutrition has always been important to me for physical fitness, I was more concerned with appearance. As I got older, my focus became increasing my energy levels and feeling better. It wasn’t until after being diagnosed and forming habits around optimizing my abilities that I realized the importance of nutrition for good mental health. Inflammation caused by certain foods is detrimental to brain function and a frequent culprit in ADHD.

Once you’ve gone down a suicidal rabbit whole, giving up gluten is a tiny price to pay for sanity. Not that you know what sanity is — you just know you don’t have it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t give a second thought to the type of food they put in their mouths. Lifestyle is a gigantic factor in mental fitness. Eating foods that promote brain health (fatty fish, blueberries, avocados) and avoiding processed products and sugar will ensure you have the energy and mental clarity to face the day.

4. Your Phone Is A Tool

People love to complain about how their phones have taken over their lives, but we’ve got the most amazing tools ever invented in our pockets. You can read books, listen to podcasts, watch Ted Talks — non stop learning at your fingertips — all the time.

But, with great power comes great responsibility (Stan Lee will never steer you wrong). Just like television can range from “The Sopranos” to “Jersey Shore,” your cell phone can educate or anesthetize you. If you’re not disciplined, your time will be eaten up swiping left to right and “liking” shit you couldn’t care less about.

Take advantage of your calendar and alarm features to schedule everything. Don’t assume you’re gonna remember, because let’s be honest, you’re gonna forget. Use voice memos and notes to keep track of ideas and journal your feelings and thoughts. You know you have to keep yourself occupied, so download the Kindle app and have a book at the ready for down time. Listen to a guided meditation. Take an online course on the go. Learn a new language. It really is endless. Use it wisely, and your phone is the ultimate weapon. No utility belt required.

5. Less Sleep Isn’t Helping

Feeling lazy had me convinced I needed to force myself to do more. That meant getting up earlier so I could get shit done. With a schedule that had me winding down at ten o’clock at night after teaching martial arts classes, it was tough to go right to bed. If I wasn’t careful, I’d lose a half hour of sleep here and there because I wanted to stay up watching television (which miraculously has a way of leading to chips or ice cream). Arnold Schwarzzenegger famously said that you should learn to sleep faster if you can’t get by on six hours of sleep. After years of insisting on shutting down for a minimum of 7–8 hours to promote physical recovery from training, I tried getting by on just 5–6 hours. No dice.

My brain and body just don’t work the same. The sleep I was getting wasn’t all that restful either. I’d frequently wake up during the night feeling restless. It wasn’t until I developed sleep rituals that I began falling asleep quickly and getting a deeper rest. With repetition, my body and mind got used to the same sequence of events every night leading up to bed time. Once I trained my brain, my body knew what to do as soon as my head hit the pillow.

By now, I’ve learned that seven hours is my sweet spot. Eight clean hours can make me feel like superman (mental note: start sleeping eight hours a night).

Recent research suggests ADHD symptoms are often a result of insufficient restful sleep. Sleep deprivation also exacerbates symptoms in kids and adults with ADHD. Your physical and emotional state is undoubtedly better when you get sufficient rest. Staying up late into the night with unproductive bullshit is a mistake, but so is getting by on five hours because you want to prove you’re a tough grinder. You simply won’t be functioning as well. It’s self-sabotage.

There is no magic pill to fix you. If you think of meds that way, you’ll be putting scotch tape on a gunshot wound. You’ve gotta stop the bleeding. Dig the bullet out. Repair the internal damage — then stitch it up. You’ve gotta let it heal and start actively rehabilitating if you want to get stronger. It’s not going to happen by accident or by divine intervention — even though it may feel like that in the end.

Although I’ve developed a good arsenal of skills to maximize my mental wellbeing, I still want to continue growing. My next step will be scanning my brain to understand what areas are being over or under stimulated and adjusting my lifestyle accordingly. As Dr. Daniel Amen, one of the nation’s foremost psychiatrists and a leading expert on brain health says, “Did you know that psychiatrists are the only medical specialists that virtually never look at the organ they treat? Think about it. Cardiologists look, neurologists look, orthopedic doctors look, virtually every other medical specialist looks — psychiatrists guess.”

It seems so obvious now that I want to run out and get my brain scanned as I write this. I’m excited to discover what changes I can make to improve my performance and sense of well being. Brain imaging will provide a road map.

No matter the cards you’ve been dealt, planning and hard work can help you become who you want to be. No circumstance is a limitation to an open mind. There are always ways to improve if you’re willing to search long enough. Luckily for me, I tend to get a little obsessed.

#adhd #mind #body #fitness #health #wellness #depression #anxiety #treatment #medication #mentalhealth #internaljiujitsu

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theindependentjournals · 4 years

Text

Notes on Class

-The very first time I inhaled real marijuana?- “oh……lovely..”

PRELUDE (AN OPENING REMARK:) “FAKE ASS BEACH IN MY DUMB MOFUCKING LIL BRAIN ASS HOMOEROGONEOUS ASS TWATS FAKE ASS WASTE OF MY MOFUCKING TIME. STUPID GAY SHITTY FUCK FALSE ASS HOE NIGGAS AINT NO REAL NIGGAS BUNCH A LIL BITCHES ASS WITH THEIR PROSTITUTE ASS STRIPPING FUCKING HO PIMP MURDERED FAKE ASS MORMON SHIT WIT THEM DAMN BITCH NIGGER, BITE MY THUMB BITCH. SHIT ASS BITCH MOTHERFUKIN FAKE ASS NIGGER FOLK WITH THEIR DAMN STUPID BULLSHIT LIVES THEM OLD FAGGOT ASS NIGGER. CHOKE ON A MOFUCKING BITCH ASS BITCH SHIT HOEBAG DOUCHE MONKEYS MOFUCKING CATHETAR BITCH.”

BLISS, ID THE WALKER CENTER 1-800-227-4190 ACCESS BEHAVIORAL HEALTH 208-338-4699 EVALUATOR DUSTIN LYNCH : SEVERE DRUG HABIT (3.5) NOT EVEN ONCE ORGANIZATION 12 STEP SPRITUAL RECOVERY PLAY IT FORWARD “I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR” THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION (DSM-IV) DRUGS APP ON PHONE

DEB: “I DRIVE ON THESE ROADS SOMETIMES! YOU WERE PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK!”

Alfonzo: 9 WEEKS CLEAN OFF COCAINE. TRIP OUT OF TOWN FOR 4TH OF JULY TO CABIN… JET SKIS AND POWERBOARDS. HE DOES VALIDATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BELIEVES IN A HIGHER POWER. VISITED HIS DAUGHTER AND WENT TO ICE CREAM.FEELS VICTIMIZED BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND THINK HE WILL STEAL FROM THEM OR HARM THEM. PLAYS APP ON PHONE WHEN TRYING TO REST, “CALM.” HE HAD BEEN SOBER FOR 11 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AND THEN HE DRANK AT A FRIDAY 4TH OF JULY PARTY. HIS UA CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WAS READY TO PREPARE FOR RELAPSE.

Phillip: DRUG OF CHOICE METH AND COCAINE. WAS AWAY FOR A WHILE. STOPPED ACID 3 WEEKS AGO, HAD A REALLY HARD TIME QUITTING MARIJUANA AND ACID. IRRITABLE AND DEHYDRATED.

James: 2 WEEKS CLEAN OFF ALCOHOL AND METH. USES PATIENCE. “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.” BORN A BOY IN SPOKANE, WA. IS NOW 50. AT 2 Y.O. MOVED TO A SMALL TOWN COMMERICIAL FISHING WITH DAD. USED CRAB BOATS. “ALWAYS GONE FISHING.” HAD 4 SISTERS, 1 BROTHER. IF MOM WASN’T WORKING THEN SHE WAS DRUNK. DRANK DRANK DRANK. A LOT OF ABUSE, BUT WOULD NOT PHYSICALLY HARM THEM. DAD TOOK ONE SISTER OUT OF HOUSE TO LOOSEN THE LOAD ON MOM. THE THREE WOULD PICK ON EACH OTHER AND BECOME ISOLATED BECAUSE OF ABUSE. BREAKING WINDOWS – RUNNING – SHOOTING STUFF. DAD AND MOM FIGHT OVER ALCOHOL. STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE DRANK. WANTED TO BE LIKE MOM SO WOULD DRINK THE BEER AND REFILL WITH CREAM SODA. WANTED TO BE LIKE DAD SO WOULD STEAL CIGARETTES. SISTERS WERE SMOKING CIGARETTES AND MARIJUANA. THEN HE WAS STONED AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. WOULD GET HIMSELF SICK FROM LIQUOR AND ADD WATER. NOBODY KNEW IT WAS HIM, THEY KNEW THE SISTERS SMOKED MARIJUANA SO THEY BLAMED ALL ON SISTERS. HE STARTED STEALING CRAP SO HE GOT TO GO FISHING. HAD GOOD MONEY FOR BEING YOUNG. STARTED INTO COCAINE AND LOTS OF IT. HAD 30 U.A.S FOR BREAKING CURFEW AND HAD TO GO BACK AGAIN. COURTS JUST WANTED HIS WEALTHY FAMILIES MONEY. IT WAS MOSTLY “TAKE OUR MONEY AND LET US GO.” HE GOT MARRIED AND BARELY KNEW HER CAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. SHE GOT PREGNANT AND THE KID DIED OF SIDS. HE LEFT HER AND WENT ON A BENDER. 4 DUIS -> ASSAULT -> PRISON. “I HAVE A PROBLEM.” PRISON SUCKS. HE ATTENDED NO GROUPS, JUST HAD TIME. HIS DAD MOVED TO IDAHO. HE HAD NOTHING TO DO. HE STOPPED FISHING AND BEGAN USING METH. DOESN’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT BACK INTO METH, MUST HAVE BEEN SOME FRIEND. COUPLE YEARS INTO IDAHO AND HAD TROUBLE WITH PAROLE. WENT INTO A HALFWAY HOUSE AND BAM THERE WAS METH. WAS DRINKING SO P.O. TOOK OUT OF HALFWAY HOUSE. DATED A WOMAN THERE. HAD HOUSE, CARS, GOOD LIFE, THEN TO DOING METH AGAIN. AT 18, HIS LIFE WAS LIKE MONEY, BOAT, COCAINE. IN NEWPORT, OR.

Pricsilla: 6 MONTHS CLEAN OFF METH/COCAINE/VODKA. “BEING DONE WITH WHAT I USED TO DO.” MOVED OUT OF A SHELTER AND DID A MRI BRAIN SCAN TO LOOK FOR PROBLEMS. TEMPS OF 100 MAKE HER IRRITABLE AND MOODY. SHE THINKS IT IS TOO DRY. SHE NEEDS NASAL DROPS. SHE WAS LEFT FOR DEAD IN CALIFORNIA AT 18. USING SKILLS LIKE RATIONAL THINKING AND ABSITENCE.

Blake: 3 MONTHS CLEAN OFF MARIJUANA. HAS NARCOLEPSY. USES FAMILY TO KEEP HIM FROM BLAZING. GRADUATED HEALTHY THINKING GROUP.

Paul: 9 MONTHS CLEAN OFF OPIATES & BENZOS. TRYING TO GET HIS “DUCKS IN A ROW.” HAS A HOME IN WILDER. SPENT 2 YEARS IN ICELAND. STOPPED TAKING PAIN KILLERS HE BECAME IMMUNE TO EFFECTS. -PAIN MEDS APPARENTLY ONLY ARE EFFECTIVE FOR 3 DAYS- SPENT 30 YEARS ON PAIN MEDICATIONS. SCOLIOSIS ON DISCS. SISTER TOOK HIS PILLS AWAY. SO HE WENT TO HOSPITAL. 30, 80MG A DAY. METHADONE WORKED BETTER AND WAS EASIER TO GET OFF OF. FEELING LETHARGIC. STOPPED NARCOTICS, STARTED DIAZEPAN. PERCOCETS WORKED GOOD BUT BUILT A RESISTANCE. HE WILL TAKE AGAIN BUT AT A LOWER DOSE. NO DETOX BUT TOOK 30 DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. HAVE TO GO TO DOCTOR BUT ALL THEY DO IS TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE. DOCTOR DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE PAIN IS LOCATED. NARCOTICS <- NUEROSENDERS -> CLEAN. TAKING LYRICA FOR NERVE PAIN AND VISTARIL FOR ANXIETY. CHRONIC PAIN CLASSES AND HE IS A SURGICAL CANDIDATE FOR NERVE BACK.. CLEARING NERVES AND FUSING BACK. HERE AT RECOVERY 4 LIFE FOR 9.5 MONTHS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND COURT REQUIRED. DAY BY DAY HE HAS NOT THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING. HAS ANXIETY AND AVOIDS TRIGGERS, NO TRAUMA.

Matt: 2 MONTHS CLEAN. GOING FISHING AT CJ STRIKES.

Inez: 22 MONTHS SOBER OFF ALCOHOL. SHE NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD QUIT DRINKING. HER FRIEND QUIT AS WELL WHOM SHE ALSO NEVER THOUGHT WOULD GET CLEAN. “I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS.” PRACTICES A GOOD ATTITUDE WITH GRATITUDE. WAS A LIASON IN THE HOUSE SHE IS THE MANAGER OF. NEEDS TO STOP GETTING MAD. A GIRL WHO LIVES THERE, HER BOYFRIEND CALLED OVER AND OVER. GIRL WAS PISSED OFF NOBODY ANSWERED, 36 RINGS AND 9 CALLS, ENDED UP NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND BUT A VERY IMPORTANT CALL. “ALCOHOL IS MY DOWNFALL” DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE MANAGEMENT POSITION FOR THE WOMAN’S HOME. SHE HAD SOME SEIZURES AND HAD TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL. “I HAVE TO BE CLEAN OR I WILL GO TO JAIL.” SOBER SINCE 8/16/16, NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE SOBER FOR 2 YEARS. WISHES SHE HAD A CORVETTE. DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CAN’T HAVE A GOOD LIFE LIKE ALL HER FRIENDS. LOSING HER HOME. HAS TO ACCEPT FACT THAT LIFE CHANGES AND GOD SUCKS…. LMAO, JOKES ON YOU. GOES TO THE NAMPA PUBLIC LIBRARY.

Donna: EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. SAD -> HAPPY -> HURT -> LONELY -> ISOLATED. WAS A DRUNKEN MESS AND HATED EVERYTHING. TRYING NOT TO OVER-CATASTROPHIZE FEELINGS TO SITUATIONS. LEARNED DISTRESS TOLERANCE. TRYING TO BECOME MORE MINDFUL AND AWARE. LEARNING TO SPEAK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. WISHES OTHERS TO BE OPEN-MINDED IN DIALETICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY GROUP. THINKS OTHERS WILL NOT LIKE THE GROUP AT FIRST OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. “ADDICTION DOES NOT DISCRIMATE AGAINST AGE/GENDER.” WORKING ON KEEPINIG HER EMOTIONS IN CHECK SO SHE DOES NOT GET A ONE-WAY TICKET ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

ALLEYGAINY SIERRA NEVADAS MOTANA. CANCER IN BREAST -> BRAIN. 16TH BIRTHDAY MET DAVE GAINEY WHO RAPED HER AND HER MOM DIED THE SAME TIME. SISTERS MOVED. DAVE GAINEY WAS KATHY’S HUSBAND AND HER DAD’S BEST FRIEND. SHE RAN TO THE NEIGHBORS. GRAD CARMEL HIGH FEB 1986 IN FALLON, NV. SISTER STARTED DOING COCAINE AND MOVED TO SACRAMENTO. DIED IN 2012. HAD FIRST CHILD. SPLIT FROM FATHER AND HE KIDNAPPED THE BABY.SHE GOT HIM BACK, HE WAS UNDERWEIGHT AND HAD LEAD POISONING IN A PART OF HIS KIDNEY, HAD TO GET REMOVED. (ANDREW 1990) BRITTANY AND BROOKE, TWINS DIED OF HEART AND LUNG FAILURE APRIL 28, 1998 AT 3 MONTHS. HUSBAND WAS HEAVY MACHINE OPERATOR IN THE MINES. KYLE 1992. GRADUATED ICC COLLEGE WITH NURSING LICENSE. WAS PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT AFTER FUNERAL. HAD BROCK AND HER CERVIX TURNED BLACK UTERINE CANCER. IV TO LOSING HAIR. MET A CLUB GUARD BRYAN, BEGAN RUNNING AND GUNNING. HE SMACKED HER SILLY (PHYSICAL ABUSE.) MC AT CLUB HOOKED IT UP (LARRY.) HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE. HE WAS IN A HIT AND RUN. WAS LIFEFLIGHTED TO NA. HAD ALCOHOL IN WATER BOTTLE WHEN SHE VISITED HIM IN HOSPITAL. WHERE SHE WAS TAKEN TO 28 DAY PROGRAM AT NEW START. DRANK DRANK DRANK. DEC. 7TH TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. DRIVING AND BLEW DOUBLE .29 IN JEROME COUNTY. HAD NO BAIL. IS ORDERED TO REMAIN SOBER UNTIL 2019. “LOONY FREAKZOID” WHEN I DRINK.

Lawnie: HAS A FULFILLING LIFE WITH HIS FAMILY. WORKING ON NOT AVOIDING OR ESCAPING SITUATIONS. SOBERED UP BUT DID NOT WANT TO FACE SOBRIETY. HALF SMILE AND OPEN HANDS. WORKING ON RESPECTING THE EARTH AROUND HIM. VALIDATION AND UNDERSTANDING. “I KNOW I AM WORTH SOMETHING.” TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BY WALKING ½ HOUR A DAY. RECOMMENDS FOR OTHERS IN GROUP TO BE ON TIME AND PARTICIPATE.

Kata: MOLLY AND HEROIN… LOST CLOSE FAMILY MAY 2010. CRYING IN CLASS, IRRITABLE.

Pilot Dude: “I’M DIFFERENT NOW” THOUGHTS… EMOTIONS… FEELINGS….. HERE BECAUSE OF DRINKING AT BAR AND THEN DROVE HOME. “IT HELPS TO GIVE BACK” HE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO STARTED A KID ON HEROIN WHEN HE WAS 8… LIKE, CAN’T GO BACK NOW. BORN IN IDAHO FALLS. LIKED TO BREAK RULES TO GET KICKS. MOM SPLIT DAD. MOM REMARRIED NEXT MONTH. D.A.R.E IN 4TH GRADE DRUG ABUSE RESEARCH STAFF. 8TH GRADE- SMOKED WEED STEMS. STOLE WEED FROM BROTHER. DRANK IN 8TH GRADE. PARTY ON WEEKENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. COLLEGE HAD 3 DAY WEEKENDS FRI,SAT,SUN TO PARTY. GRADUATED COLLEGE WITH CIVIL ENGINEER DEGREE AND DIDN’TLIKE IT. WAS A STUPID COLLEGE KID AND POINTED TO A RANDOM MAJOR. NOW IN POCATELLO. ADDICTED TO ADDREALL. AMBIAN AND ADDERALL. USED DOCTORS TO GET THIS DRUG. HIS EX WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. EVERY NIGHT HE HAD PILLS. PILOT…. MONDAY-THURSDAY CLEANED HIS SYSTEM. FINISHED AND BECAME FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR. MET GIRLFRIEND WHERE HE DID PILLS AND ALCOHOL WITH HER EVERYDAY. GOT PANCREATITIS. BODY SHUT DOWN AND HE HAD NO WATER FOR 2 DAYS. BOWLING BALL HEAD ON FLOOR GASPING FOR AIR. NAPROXEN. OXYS – TOOK BECAUSE FELT GOOD. AFTER HAVING PANCREATITIS HE FELT SO WRONG LIKE HE HAD DECIEVED HIMSELF. NOW HE WAS ON OPIATES AND GHBS INSTEAD OF ALCOHOL. GOT FREE OXYS FROM THE DOCTOR. BENZOS AS WELL. COULD NO LONGER PAY RENT. OXY WITHDRAWALS FROM STREET OXYS. HE HAD ON HIM 50 G OF OXYS – 6 MONTHS WORTH ABOUT 800$$$ WORTH BUT COULD SELL ON STREET FOR 50,000-100,000$. 50X STRONGER THAN HEROIN. STARTED GETTING SEIZURES. 2 YEARS HE WAS IN PERSONAL TRAINING. SOLD TO PAY SOME RENT. POLICE KNOCKED WHILE HE WAS HITTING FENTANYL AND HE HAD A CLOSE CALL.. GOT NORCOS FROM DOCTORS FOR “BACK PAIN.” HE HAD A MONTH LONG MENTAL TREATMENT IN MISSISSIPPI. AND COPS CALLED ON HIM FOR BEING DRUNK IN PUBLIC, SENT TO PSYCH WARD FOR 5 DAYS. HE THOUGHT HE MAY JUST MOVE TO MEXICO. HIS MOM SAVED HIM AND HE STAYS ALIVE FOR HIS MOTHER.

Aleisha: DRUG OF CHOICE. HEROIN. WORKS LONG HOURS AND IS VERY TIRED.

Dakota: USES SKILLS FROM CLASS, BREATHING EXERCISES.

Nicole: “MENTAL HEALTH COURT IS RUNNING MY LIFE. I PEE IN A CUP EVERY MORNING”

SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS “COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS” THE LEFT SIDE WINS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO STEAL IN ORDER TO GET METHAMPETAMINES.

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER, NOT WORSE. SOMETIMES, WE DON’T DO SO GOOD. LEARN HOW TO EFFECTIVELY MAKE REQUESTS AND EFFECTIVELY KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO. MAINTAIN BALANCE AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

SOME MAY TAKE BEING NICE FOR WEAKNESS AND OVERPOWER YOU. SOME ARE MORE EMOTIONAL WHILST OTHERS DON’T GET UPSET.

MYTHS – OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS IF I ASK FOR SOMETHING OR SAY NO, I CAN’T STAND IT IF SOMEONE GETS UPSET WITH ME. I MUST BE REALLY INADEQUATE IF I CAN’T FIX THIS MYSELF. IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I WANT OR NEED IT DOESN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY (APATHY) IF I TRY TO ASK FOR HELP I WILL BE A BURDEN. PEOPLE WITHOUT MONEY WHO ASK FOR FAVORS ARE LEECHES.

“I CAN PROBABLY GO WITHOUT.”

MY NEEDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. SAYING NO IS PUTTING UP A HEALTHY BOUNDARY.

THE PROBLEM IS JUST IN MY HEAD I SHOULDN’T BOTHER OTHERS. CHALLENGE: OTHER PEOPLE ARE CARING – YOU CAN ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I NEED IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY. CHALLENGE: I CARE SO MUCH THAT I GET WHAT ASSISTANCE I NEED.

OTHERS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PUT MORE WORK IN ME. I DON’T NEED SUPPORT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EXPECT IT. “KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.” “GIVE RESPECT, GET RESPECT.” TREAT OTHERS HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED. IT’S OK TO BE SKEPTICAL. THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS EVERYTHING. OTHERS AROUND YOU MAY FEEL BAD FOR YOU OR THEY MAY BE SELF-CENTERED OR AGAINST YOU. MY DECISIONS EFFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME. TRY NOT TO HURT OTHERS.

THE WHEEL – RELATIONSHIP WITH DRUGS USE: Not a habit MISUSE: Taking at a higher dose for high rather than i.e. pain ABUSE: When it is harmful for your health and others ADDICTION: Takes over life, need it all the time DEPENDENCE: Necessary to need it in order to feel normal

INTRODUCTION: Try EXPERIMENTAL: Use more, take note on effects, see how it feels/if you like BENEFICIAL: If you like it is good for a short time. I.E. You are happy.. for a short-term. ABUSIVE: Continued use leads to damage in long-term POINT OF NO RETURN!!! DEPENDENT TOXIC FATAL EMOTIONAL REGULATION PT.1:

UNDERSTAND AND NAME YOUR OWN EMOTIONS!! RELAPSE OK TO FEEL EMOTIONS OF FEELING LIKE A BIRDIE

WHY SHOULD WE DESCRIBE EMOTIONS? “SO I DON’T BLOW UP, UP THE SPINE”

IDENTIFY AND DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTION. REGULAR EMPTINESS KNOW WHAT EMOTIONS DO FOR YOU. HURT YOU

FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE SPEAK MORE LOGICALLY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE GRIEF/SHAME/SPIRAL DOWN TOILET

DECREASE THE FREQUENCY OF UNWANTED EMOTIONS: BEAUTIFUL BLACK EYES. OH POOR ME. GLOOM AND DOOM. GOD DAMNIT. DECREASE EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY DECREASE VULNERABILITY TO EMOTIONAL MIND. BE ABOVE IT. UNAFFECTIVE. GOD DAMNIT.

RED 4 LOKOS, THE DRUNKEN STEREOTYPE. HAND SANITIZER SMELLS LIKE VODKA. THINKING OF FUTURE MANAGE EMOTIONS WITH ALCOHOL.

DECREASE EMOTIONAL SUFFERING MUSICAL CHAIRS “I THINK THE OCEAN SMELLS GOOD” KEEP WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS

EMOTIONS MOTIVATE US TO ACTION FIGHT OR FLIGHT HARDWIRED IN BIOLOGY -> GENETIC

DIDN’T KNOW THE SUN WAS IN THEIR WAY “FINE.” WAITING IN LINE - “YOU LOOK MAD, DUDE” WAITING..HUNGRY..ANTICIPATION LADY MOVES BECAUSE THINKS HE WILL STEAL.. “I DON’T WANT YOUR STUFF” “ON A MISSION” REJECTION

AN EMOTION.. I AM TIRED SO I CANNOT MOVE. EMOTIONS ARE RED FLAGS “INTUITION IS WHEN GOD TALKS TO YOU.”

PT.2

-ANGER- AGITATION ANNOYANCE BITTERNESS FRUSTRATION INDIGNATION IRRITATION WRATH

EVENTS THAT TRIGGER ANGER +TREATED UNFAIRLY +GOALS BEING BLOCKED +THINGS SHOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN THEY ARE +NOT HAVING THINGS TURN OUT AS EXPECTED AFTEREFFECTS +DEPERSONALIZATION, DISSOCIATIVE EXPERIENCES, NUMBNESS

-DISGUST- ANTIPATHY? HATE

PROMPTING EVENTS +BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW SOMETHING YOU REALLY DON’T WANT +BEING FORCED TO ENGAGE IN OR WATCH UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTANT

INTERPRETATION +SWALLOWING SOMETHING TOXIC +YOUR MIND IS BEING CONTAMINATED

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +VOMMITING +FEELING DIRTY

EXPRESSIONS +VOMITING

-ENVY- DOWNHEARTED

INTERPRETATION +HAVE SUCH A BAD LOT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE, HAVE BAD LUCK OR BE HURT +FEELING OF PLEASURE WHEN OTHERS EXPERIENCE FAILURE OR LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE +I LOVE WHEN OTHERS GET HURT

ACTIONS +TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION

AFTERAFFECTS +ATTENDING TO WHAT OTHERS HAVE

-FEAR- APPREHENSION DREAD HORROR HYSTERIA? SHOCK

PROMPTING EVENTS +HAVING YOUR WELL-BEING THREATENED

INTERPRETATION +YOU MIGHT BE HARMED

-HAPPINESS- ECSTASY

PROMPTING EVENTS +NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +FEELING AT PEACE +CAN DENY HAPPINESS

EXPRESSIONS +SILLINESS

AFTERAFFECTS +FEELING JOYFUL IN FUTURE

-SHAME- +SAYING YOU ARE SORRY OVER AND OVER +DISTRACTING +WHY EMOTE WHEN YOU CAN DEMOTE?

-GUILT- +DON’T HAVE TO HOLD ANGER +3-DAY ANGER STRIKE +WALLOW IN IT

EXPRESSIONS +ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS “FORGIVE ME, FATHER.”

AFTEREFFECTS +DO NO HARM

“USING ALCOHOL OR DRUGS WAS A THINKING ERROR IN MY BEHAVIOR.” STOP TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I DO WISE MIND IS EFFECTFUL FOR THINKING/ACTING NO MATTER WHAT THOSE ONES THINK TRY TO REACT IN A POSITIVE WAY BE PATIENT

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? ARROGANT INNOCENT LOADED PAINED -DIRTY -SICK

FEELINGS: CHOKED UP, ILL AT EASE INJURED, PAINED, SUFFERING, ACHING, TORTURED INFLAMED WEAK, WEARY

DEFINITION REMORSEFUL: DEEP AND PAINFUL REGRET FOR A WRONGDOING. PEACEFUL, POWERFUL, JOYFUL – SUBSETS OF FEELING WHEEL I CROSSED OUT AND SAYS I AM NEVER TO FEEL AGAIN. THINGS I CANT FEEL. “YOUR EMOTIONS WERE NOT YOUR CHOICE – A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION DICTATING THEM”

PT.3 BUILD MASTERY AND COPE AHEAD

DOESN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU WORSHIP THE Q’ARAN DOUAJ ARABIC FOR WEALTH

STAYING SOBER TODAY IS BEING PRODUCTIVE SMALL FISH IN A BIG POND.. A BIG WHIRL GRIN & BEAR IT, WAIT IT OUT HOW A SUICIDE HAS TO MENTALLY PREPARE FOR YEARS BEFORE COMPLETING.

TAKE CARE OF MIND BY TAKING CARE OF BODY P L 1.TREAT PHYSICAL ILLNESS E 2. BALANCE EATING (FOODS CAN MAKE YOU OVERLY EMOTIONAL. EMPTY FLUFF. FASTING) A 3. AVOID MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES (XTC,MOLLY,HEROIN,GHB,COCAINE,LSD,MUSHROOMS) S 4. BALANCE SLEEP (HOUR A NIGHT – BUDDHIST MONKS) E 5. GET EXERCISE

OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS “WALLOW IN THE DEB-WAVE” WHY CAN’T I FIGHT THIS? PAIN 20-30 MINUTE EPISODES AUG 16, 2008… GIRLS MOM WENT MISING ANGER – CONSUMING

LOVE YOUR EMOTIONS “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”

WHAT EMOTION DOES THE LORD FEEL? SUPREME.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS -EAT YOUR EMOTIONS

MANAGING EXTREME EMOTIONS BOUGHT A HOUSE AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A BEAUTIFUL LAWN HE HAD A DANDELION PROBLEM SO HE BOUGHT A GARDENING BOOK AND WROTE THE AGRICULTURAL UNIT

HER HUSBAND LEFT HER. MAYBE HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.

COOK WITH GARLIC AND ONIONS.

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IN RECOVERY 1. DO YOU NOTICE THAT YOU EXPERIENCE SOME FEELINGS MORE THAN OTHERS - ANGER, RECKLESS ABANDONMENT OTHERS: MOODY, QUESTIONING, ANXIOUS OTHERS: ANGER, IMPATIENT, CANT RELATE, TENSE, WRATHFUL, FURIOUS, EMPTY

2. WHAT ARE THE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS YOU TRY TO AVOID? -SHAME, PAIN (CHAMPAGNE) OTHERS: BEING ISOLATED, BEING INSECURE, UNWANTED

3. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS? -TALK TO MYSELF, TALK TO OTHERS ON CHATROOMS, SOMETIMES I CRY, I WRITE MUSIC/SHORT STORIES OTHERS: USED TO KEEP TO SELF, NOW TALKS MORE OTHERS: BOTTLE UP

4. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS -MY POSITIVE FEELINGS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR OTHERS: YES, USUALLYEXPRESSES NEGATIVE FEELINGS – HARSH TO DAUGHTER OTHERS: YES, MORE FREQUENT AND OVERPOWER POSITIVE

5. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESING POSITIVE FEELINGS? -MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS RECEIVE TIME OTHERS: IT’S WORK TO EXPRESS NEW SORTS OF THINKING OTHERS: NO

6. WHICH FEELING OR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU MOST LIKELY TO RELAPSE IN FUTURE -HAPPINESS THAT IS ONLY POSSIBLE DUE TO DRUG INDUCEMENT OTHERS: INSECURITY, FEELING UNWANTED OTHERS: ANGER, ISOLATE, EMPTY, STUBBORN

7. POSITIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS - COUNSELORS, ETC = OTHERS: SELF-TALK, DON’T KEEP FEELINGS BOTTLED, SOMETIMES I CATASTROPHIZE OTHERS: DON’T JUDGE OR ASSUME. LISTEN AND CAN’T JUMP.

8. WHO CAN YOU TALK TO IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED? - FRIENDS ON CHAT ROOM, MYSELF OTHERS: COUNSELOR, RELAPSE COUCH, SELF-TALK OTHERS: SISTERS, MOM, BOYFRIEND, DAUGHTERS

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

DESCRIBE COP ARREST EXPRESS FEAR FOR LIFE ASSERT “USE YOURS” REINFORCE ..I CAN’T PAY THIS.. (STAY) MINDFUL I DESERVED THIS APPEAR CONFIDENT I CAN GET THROUGH THIS NEGOTIATE WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG – YOU WILL PAY

CAN’T CONTROL HOW WE’VE BEEN DRAGGED THROUGH SHIT ORANGES TO APPLES – CANT COMPARE SITUATIONALLY SOMETIMES YOU DON’T OWE AN EXPLANATION BE ASSERTIVE. “HEY I OWE YOU 100$, BUT I ONLY GOT 20$.” “WELL IT’S A TOSS (LOSE-LOSE) BECAUSE I NEED THE 100$ NOW. INCREMENTAL PAYMENTS WON’T CUT IT.”

APPLYING DEAR MAN SKILLS TO CURRENT INTERACTION A GOOD RX, A CONVICT,” WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW IF I USE NOW?” HAVE TO USE MORE TO GET THE SAME EFFECT. ODEN WORLD. TREE. 9 DAYS. 9 NOBLE VERSES. HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED CAN ONLY BE STOPPED BY INTERVENTION EMBARASSED -> MAD -> STUPID ADDICTION IN KRONIC IT CANNOT BE CHANGED NOT USE BECAUSE PARENTS HAVE NONE. NONE AT P.O.’S OFFICE. CRAVINGS AROUND MOTHER – SOBER 4 HIS MOTHER “WHEN A CRAVING HITS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS OUT DOOR.” ALL SYSTEMS GO LOSS OF PURPOSE ASKS FOR A SIGN FROM GOD WANTS TO BE A BETTER PERSON USING MORE THAN NECESSARY TOOK A SPOON TO SHOW AND TELL (DAUGHTERS) ON ACCIDENT 12 STEPS – WHITE BISON, CELEBRATE RECOVERY… ALLUMBAUGH (HELPFUL BEHAVIORS, CODEPENDENCE)… SMART RECOVERY *PURE WELLNESS* RED HOUSE. BIOLOGICAL LIFE DETERRATION. CAN’T GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER – IS CONTROLLING ME!! ADDICTION PRIMARY DISEASE – LOST POWER OF CONTROL DO NOT SCHEDULE IF YOU ARE USING BECAUSE SCHEDULING IS STRUCTURE LEARN ORGANIZATION BRING SCHEDULE BOOK TO SOCIAL WORKER A.A. -> N.A. -> C.A (COCAINE ANONYMOUS) -> 7’O CLOCK -RED HOUSE- *WAR STORIES*

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

ACTIVITIES! CONTRIBUTING! COMPARISONS! PUSHING AWAY! THOUGHTS! SENSATIONS! CONSIDER LAST YEAR MAYBE YOU WERE IN JAIL. NOW AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT IN JAIL. PUERTO RICO HURRICANE COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS LESS FORTUNATE “BOO-HOO” EDUCATE YOURELF, LISTEN TO “THE BLUES” LISTEN TO EMOTIONAL MUSIC THAT CREATES DIFFERENT EMOTIONS LEAVE THE SITUATION MENTALLY BUILD AN IMAGINARY WALL WITH IMAGINARY SOLDIERS PUT THE PAIN IN A BOX ON A SHELF YELL: NO! A PILL BOTTLE WITHOUT A LABEL? LET IT BE. COUNT CARDS “AS AN IMPATIENT, I WOULD COUNT THE TILES ON THE CEILING” SELF-SOOTHING: VISION, HEARING, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH IMPROVING THE MOMENT: IMAGERY, MEANING, PRAYER, RELAXING, ONE THING AT A TIME, VACATION, ENCOURAGEMENT

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.2

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE “ACCEPTING THE WAY YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT.” ACCEPTING THE SITUATION WITHOUT BEING BITTER DO NOT THROW A TANTRUM WITHOUT RESPONDING WITH WILLFULNESS INEFFECTIVITY “WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT” CONSTANT PAIN LEARNING EXPERIENCES – LEARNING TO LIVE THROUGH PAINFUL TIMES SOME PEOPLE HATE MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS AND DIDN’T ASK NOR DESERVE IT COPE, REDUCE, FIND BALANCE ACCEPT REALITY!! THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSE! ………..IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT REALITY…… YOU WILL GO BACK INTO HELL………. *INSERT PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE’S FACE HERE WITH A MENACING TONE MEANT TO INDUCE TORTURE TO INNNOCENT SOULS* “WE’RE ALL SHEEP AND THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD” “ADDICTION IS DRIVING YOUR BEHAVIOR!” CAN BE MUCH WIDER THAN NARROWED EXAMPLES GENE FOR ADDICTION --DENY COMPLIANCE- CONTINUE USE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.-- OR DISCONTINUE USE FOREVER, BE THE SHEEP INSTEAD OF THE HERDER! --BELIEVE THIS IS REAL AND THAT THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER MAN-KIND SUPPOSEDLY DOCUMENTARIES ON POLICE CONTROL, SHEEPLE, PROHIBITION, WAR STORIES, POLICE INTERFERENCE, COPS, RENO 911. GHANDI/CONFUSCIOUS/BUDDHA – GOOD POLICE/MILITARY – BLECK

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.3 TURNING BAD STUFF INTO GOOD ENERGY - SUBLIMATION ALTERNATE REBELLION WHEN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE A WAY TO REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, TRY ALTERNATE REBELLION WHICH IS A WAY TO DO SOMETHING INSANE BUT WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS - SHAVE YOUR HEAD …..GIRLS ALL CAME IN FORMAL ATTIRE, FOO FOO GIRLS URGE TO DROP ACID… REGULARE FOLK – GO DO IT! CONTROLLED FOLK – HYSTERIA, OMG, I CAN’T EVEN. HUH.

ADAPTIVE DENIAL REFRAME YOUR CRAVINGS. COOKIES – WHEN I WANT A COOKIE, THINK THAT YOU WANT AN APPLE INSTEAD WHEN I FEEL URGE TO SMOKE A TOBACCO, LIFT WEIGHTS INSTEAD ANOTHER INTERESTING EXAMPLE OF SUICIDIAL PEOPLE: WHEN I FEEL LIKE DYING, SLIT WRISTS INSTEAD GET URGES TO DRIVE BUT SAY, YOU CANNOT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADDICT

*POP SELF WITH RUBBER BAND* *SQUISH BALL* *GONNA DEFEND MYSELF…. BASEBALL BAT…. BOTTLE TO CRACK… BREAK THINGS* SELF-CONTROL… SLEEP-DEPRIVATION…… CRY “GO FOR A WALK AT 6 AM AND THAT IS COOL” – A PUN.. “I LIKE SUN ON MY BONES”

BURNING BRIDGES SLAM THE GARAGE DOOR OF ABSTINENCE SHUT LIST EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ADDICTION POSSIBLE AND GET RID OF IT… -GET RID OF MY WHOLE SELF- “I AM A BONG” LIST AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN THAT WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT USE -STAYING ALIVE- WAS HOLDING ONTO FRIEND’S MONEY…. “I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER”.. CODEPENDENCY TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE QUIT!! BUILDING NEW BRIDGES SMELLS TO THINK ABOUT – MY COLOGNE I LIKE NOTHING “RECOVERY HAS SHOWN ME THAT I CAN BREAK THE PATTERN” – URGE TO DRINK BREATHING PHILANTHROPY! EMOTIONAL REGULATION DISTRESS BUTTON WHAT WILL I TAKE AWAY FROM IT “I COULDN’T CHANGE INTO THE SPIRAL” “DO YOUR BEST TO STAY OPEN-MINDED” “I CAN STAY SOBER” FIND THE MAGIC MOMENT – “BACK TO THE TRACKS I GO”

EMOTIONS – POWER – ANGER – “WHY ME?” ->->-> DISTRESS “STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE UNCONTROLLABLE OR WE COULD SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO CHANGE THE CONTROLLABLE” TRYING TO CHANGE A BEHAVIOR LAWS APPLICABLE TO THE DEAD DON’T PERTAIN TO ME

WILLINGNESS WILLINGNESS IS ACTING WITH AWARENESS THAT YOU ARE PART OF THE UNIVERSE DOING JUST WHAT IS NEED – GETTING HERE AND SHOWING UP TO GROUP WILLINGNESS VS WILLFULNESS WILLFULLNESS IS WRECKLESS DEFIANCE FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU HAVE A DRUG DEALER THAT YOU SHOULD DELETE, BUT YOU DON’T WILFULLNESS IS “I WILL NOT TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH MEDICATION” IT IS NOT CARING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES AND IT IS NOT RATIONAL WILLINGNESS IS: “I AM WILLING TO OBEY THE LAW!!” WILLFUL: MY KIDS CAN NOT BE INDEPENDENT THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT “I WENT TO A MEETING AND SOME BORING OLD HAG WAS TELLING HER LIFE STORY. I LEFT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR A LIFE STORY…. I WANTED TO HAVE A GROUP DISCUSSION!!” SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLFULNESS: FEEL IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE --NOT DOING MY CHORES-- SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLINGNESS: GO ANYWAY AND TRY TO…. SEE A ‘CHANGE’?? ‘FOR BETTER OR WORSE??’ REFUSE TO TOLERATE WILLFULLNESS

“SOME PEOPLE WITH SET TESTING WILL DRINK AROUND THE TESTS. I WAS AT THE STORE AND REALLY WANTED TO GRAB A CASE TO GET DRUNK WITH MY GIRL”

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS: I AM FEELING STRESS, ANXIETY DON’T ACT ON THOUGHTS =) ANXIETY ATTACKS – MEDICATION – SHOWER – COFFEE ADOPT A CURIOUS MIND CRACK DREAMS – DREAMS OF SMOKING CRACK “YES, I AM AN ADDICT, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I NEED TO GO USE TODAY” “LIKE, OH, I MIGHT GO MURDER SOMEONE..” GETTING HIGH TO EAT COOKIES MIND LIKE A TEFLON PAN, SHIT GETS ON THE PAN BUT WILL EASILY GET OFF TREES HAVE STRONG HEAVY ROOT SYSTEMS THERE IS WEED KILLER DON’T WASTE DAY ON SHITTY SHIT

CATASTROPHIC THINKING IS “EMOTION MIND”

-CONTROL- -ROBOTISIZE- -HEAP PEOPLE INTO ORGANIZATION- -DON’T LET THEM OUT OF THE BOX YOU HAVE CREATED THEM- -BLACK/WHITE ROBOTIC, ALL OF THE SAME- -SAME ACTIONS, SAME SPEECH, SAME THOUGHTS- -IN UNIFORM IN LINES FOLLOWING A LEADER- -IDENTICAL- -NO SPONTANEITY OF ACTION OR EMOTION- -MAKE SURE THEIR DOPAMINE, GLYCERIDES AND TRIGLYERIDES ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME, IN ORDER- MONO UNIVERZ: A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE. MISSION CONTROL UNDERSTANDING THE BRAIN’S CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM IF YOU CANNOT HAVE HAPPINESS CONTROLLED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SAD, BUT IF YOU ALREADY HATE YOURSELF THEN USING DRUGS COULDN’T BE TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU WERE ALREADY A SAD SACK OF EMPTY FLESH. LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE. LIMBIC: EMOTION, MEMORY, MOTIVATION, AND OTHER FUNCTIONS CRITICAL TO SURVIVAL. INCLUDES HIPPOCAMPUS, (MEMORY), AMYGDALA (FEAR/EMOTIONS), VENTRAL STRATIUM (REWARD), HYPOTHALAMUS (APPETITE, THIRST, BODY TEMPERATURE), AND PARTS OF THE CORTEX! CEREBRAL CORTEX: AWARENESS, ATTENTION TO SURROUNDINGS, ABILITY TO THINK, SOLVE PROBLEMS, PLAN AND MAKE DECISIONS! CEREBELLUM: CONTROL, COORDINATION, MUSCLES AND BALANCE, POSTURE! BRAIN STEM: BASIC FUNCTIONS, BREATHING, SLEEPING, HEART RATE! THE LIMBIC SYSTEM , THE PLEASURE CENTER THAT BRINGS YOU JOY FROM DRUGS

ABUSING SEDATIVES AND PAINKILLERS CAN SLOW BREATING PARTS OF BRAIN AFFECTED OVER TIME WITH DRUG USE: AMYGDALA, CEREBELLUM STEROIDS AND METH CAN LEAD TO AGGRESSION MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL CAN AFFECT MOVEMENT AND COORDINATION COMBINING SEDATIVES WITH ALCOHOL CAN SLOW HEART RATE MARIJUANA IMPAIRS THE ABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY! CEREBRAL CORTEX DOESN’T FULLY DEVELOP UNTIL A PERSON IS ABOUT 25. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR TEEN TO KNOW TO AVOID DRUGS? BECAUSE THEY WISH TO USE THEIR BRAINS FOR THEIR FUTURE LIVES CHICKS WILL DIG THEM. THEY WILL MAKE BABIES AND MONEY. AHH, WITHOUT BRAIN USE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CHICK AND THAT WILL MEAN NO BABY AND NO MONEYS =( PLUS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT BABIES OR ANY CHICKS, YOU WILL STILL NEED YOUR BRAIN TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AND CONTROL YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS (E.G. PROZAC)

DRUG KILL NUERONS BUT YOU CAN GROW BACK BRAIN CELLS OVER TIME WITH SOBRIETY.

THE MIND IS AN OVERGROWN JUNGLE STFU AND DEAL GANGLI CHALLENGE THE NEGATIVITY TOUGHIE B/C HE DIDN’T WANT TO ACCEPT FORGE NEW PATHS --YOU CANNOT DO DRUGS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, YOU MUST STAY IN HIDING-- “WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?” ONE BEER WON’T HURT YOU! BUT PAUSED BEFORE TWO. DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO SHE WENT TO A.A. --WHAT IS A WORD FOR NONCOMPLIANCE TO A POLICE – A SEPARATE CHARGE?? “RESISTING ARREST.”-- WOMAN IN JAIL’S HEROIN CHARGE… DROPPED FROM DISTUBUTING LOADS OF HEROIN TO CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. ALIEN IMMIGRANTS

TRIGGERS DENIAL, BOREDOM, LONELINESS RELAPSE JUSTIFICATION -> “I’LL JUST TAKE ONE”, A MINIMIZING STATEMENT SWAP SUBSTANCES AIDS IN RELAPSE “IF YOU BEEN IN TROUBLE 2X THEN YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE IN TROUBLE A THIRD TIME” ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT RECOVERY I DON’T THINK STAFF CAN HELP I DON’T TRUST THE STAFF “THE WORLD AROUND US IS CHANGING” HAVE AN EXIT PLAN: WOULD ALWAYS DRIVE AFTER DRINKING, SO STARTED CALLING SISTER CALL SOMEONE TO HELP

IT GETS WORSE AND WORSE THE MORE YOU RELAPSE YOU HAVE COME SO FAR AND DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO START ALL OVER FEMALE HOMES: THE RISING SUN, WHITE SUN ACTIVE RECOVERY AIDS IN REDISCOVERING OURSELVES HE WOULD PUT ALL HIS DRUGS DOWN THE TOILET WHEN HE WAS RAIDED DO NOT CHOOSE TO THINK OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL TRIGGERS…. THOUGHT LEADS TO USE. PAUSE AND STOP THOUGHTS RELAXATION…CRAVINGS..CRAMPING….BREATHING

EMOTIONAL MIND AND RATIONAL MIND ARE AT A “CONSTANT TUG-A-WAR” WORKING ON ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE “IT IS IN THE DRUG DEALER’S BEST INTEREST THAT YOU USE.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? UNDERSTANDING HOW SOMEONE FEELS USING NO BLAME GAMES. VALIDATING SOMEONE CAN MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHY SOME STEADY NERVES WITH ALCOHOL – “LIKE A SURGEON” DBT IS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO THINK DIFFERENTLY DBT SKILLS LIST MINDFULLNESS: OBSERVE, DESCRIBE, PARTICIPATE, NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE, ONE-MINDFULLY, EFFECTIVELY DISTRESS TOLERANCE, CRISIS SURVIVAL: WISE MIND ACCEPTS, SELF-SOOTHE, IMPROVE THE MOMENT, HALF-SMILE, CREATIVE OUTLET ACCEPTING REALITY SKILLS: PROS/CONS, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, TURN THE MIND, WILLINGNESS PLEASE, BUILD MASTERY, JUST ACT, GIVE MYSELF CREDIT, BUILD POSITIVE EXPERIENCES, OPPOSITE TO EMOTION, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS SKILLS: ATTEND TO RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE, DEAR MAN, FAST --THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHIRST-- STOPPED AND LISTENED AND DIDN’T THINK ON WHAT NEEDED TO SAY NEXT DON’T TAKE THINGS NEGATIVELY AND DON’T REACT ON THINGS

700,000 YEARS OF WILLFUL LAWLESSNESS --BLANK RESUME—WALKING, TALKING, COMMUNICATING ARE SOFT SKILLS… BEING PERSONAL, BEING POLITE, SMILING WISE MIND BRINGS LEFT BRAIN AND RIGHT BRAIN TOGETHER – THE MIDDLE PATH REASONABLE MIND IS COOL AND RATIONAL, TASK FOCUSED EMOTION MIND IS HOT, MOOD-DEPENDENT AND EMOTION-FOCUSED ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION TO BEING HURT PAINFUL EMOTIONS CAN CAUSE YOU TO JUMP THE GUN AND JUMP INTO DRUGS USE FOR BAD FEELINGS LINEHAN AND LACKING AN EMOTIONAL SKIN LIKENING IT TO A BURN VICTIM WHO FEELS PAIN AT THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH OVER TIME OF BEING CRITISIZED ON THEIR EMOTIONS THEY SHOULD BEGAN TOFEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AND THEIR EMOTIONS ARE NOT VALID, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THEY ARE OR THEY ARE JUST OVER-REACTING THEY WILL REJECT OR PUNISH THEMSELVES

ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY IN ORDER TO GET OVER A ROADBLOCK YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT ATTITUDES -I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF --WHO WOULD WANT TO CHANGE ME??-- -I DON’T LIKE TAKING MEDICATIONS PERSONALITY -I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -I DON’T FEEL CLOSE TO ANYONE -I DON’T LIKE TO LISTEN TO AUTHORITY FIGURES LIFESTYLE -MY LIFESTYLE CENTERS AROUND GETTING OR USING CHEMICALS -MY LIFE IS A DRAG AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH TO DO THAT IS REWARDING OR FUN OTHER -FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES -FEEL I’M IN A BAD SITUATION AND WILL ONLY PUT ME IN A MORE PESSIMISTIC FRAME OF MIND

WAYS TO OVERCOME ROADBLOCKS #1: I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: HIDE MYSELF FROM OTHERS. DON’T MAKE A NUISANCE, LEAVE HOME AND REMAIN AN ANONYMOUS INVISIBLE BEING.. CHANGE MY NAME AND DISOWN MY GUARDIANS.. “DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.” MAYBE THEY CAN FIND OTHER WAYS TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES OTHER THAN ME AND MY DEAL AND FORGET ME AS I HAVE FORGOTTEN MYSELF. #2: I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: MY FREEDOMS ARE STRIPPED. I CANNOT LEAVE HOME. MY GOALS/PLANS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DOING THESE PROGRAMS. WHICH IS WHY I CONTINUOUSLY ASK WHO/WHAT I AM DOING TREATMENT FOR. WHEN I DO NOT STUDY I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF. WHICH IS WHY I SAY I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. IT APPEARS I FEEL OVERCONTROLLED, LIKE A RAT IN A CAGE WITH NO FREEDOMS. I MAY NOT BE HUMAN ANYMORE MORE LIKE A BREATHING ZOMBIE. THROUGH TREATMENT I HAVE FELT IT GREATLY INTERFERES WITH MY STUDYING AND HOBBIES. I DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR SYSTEMS/WAY OF LIFE. I WANT NO PLACE IN THEIR TOWN.

ADDICTION/RECOVERING YOUR HONESTY. LIES: I LIED TO ATTORNEY/P.O. EXAMPLE: I TOLD THEM I WASN’T DRIVING WHEN THEY ARRESTED ME. I WAS ARRESTED WHEN I WAS PULLED OVER/PARKED AND NOT DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. I TOLD THEM I DIDN’T START DRINKING UNTIL WELL AFTER I WAS PARKED, BECAUSE MY CAR RAN OUT OF GAS. I HAD THE BEER, OPENED IT WAS WAITING ON MY RIDE BUT IT WAS A COLD NIGHT AND NEEDED A DRINK TO WARM ME UP AMIDST THE WAIT. SHE SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER IF I WASN’T DRIVING, IF I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION AND WAS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT, THEY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WEREN’T PREVIOUSLY DRIVING OR ABOUT TO DRIVE. WELL, TRUTHFULLY, I WAS NOT ABOUT TO DRIVE BECAUSE I WAS ALL OUT OF GASOLINE AND MY CAR WOULDN’T EVEN START, LET ALONE DRIVE. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION TO KEEP THE LIGHTS ON BECAUSE IT WAS DARK AND TO HAVE MY HAZARD SIGNALS ON BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN’T BLINK WITHOUT KEY IN IGNITION. BUT I LIED SAYING I WASN’T DRIVING AFTER DRINKING BECAUSE I HADN’T STARTED UNTIL AFTER I PARKED. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD BEEN DRIVING AFTER DRINKING, BUT I HAD NOT DRANK IN TWO HOURS AND HAD ONLY DRUNK ROUGHLY 2 BEERS. I THOUGHT I COULD FIGHT AGAINST MY CHARGES WITH THE EVIDENCE THAT THE POLICE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW ME DRIVING AND THEY HAD NO WAY TO TELL WHEN I HAD DRANK. I DIDN’T FIGHT IT BECAUSE I WAS YOUNG AND SCARED AND FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE ON MY SIDE IF THEY SAW ME, BEING A LESBIAN AND ALL. I KNEW MOST OF THE JURY WOULD PROBABLY BE DESCRIMANATORY, JUDGEMENTAL FOLK SO I DID NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT MY FIRST DUI CHARGE. I HAD NO IDEA I WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY A SECOND TIME. OBVIOUSLY THE POLICE DIDN’T CARE. I WAS GRABBED AND SHOVED IN THEIR CAR. IT DID NOT LOWER MY FINES OR LESSEN MY CONSEQUENCES TO TELL THE ATTORNEY AND MY P.O. I WASN’T DRINKING BEFORE I WAS PARKED. THEN AGAIN, I DID NOT KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE SO DREADFUL OR I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY WENT TO TRIAL TO FIGHT THE CHARGE, OTHERWISE JUST TOO NAÏVE AND YOUNG TO GO TO TRIAL, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO JAIL SO I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. NOW I JUST PAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

*SOME WILL LIE TO MAKE YOUR DRUG USE NOT SEEM AS BAD AS IT IS. SOME LIE TO LOVED ONE OR SPOUSES SAYING THEY ARE NOT ‘USING.’

OTHER LIES I HAVE LIED TO MY SCHOOL. I HAVE TOLD THEM I WAS SICK ALTHOUGH I WAS JUST TRUANT.. BUT I DIDN’T CARE IF I GRADUATED. I HAVE LIED TO MY FAMILY… I HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I LOVE THEM

EXAMPLES OF MY SNEAKY, DISHONEST BEHAVIOR I WOULD USE MARIJUANA FREQUENTLY. I WOULD SPEND MONEY MY MOM WOULD GIVE ME ON WEED, WHICH I ACTUALLY FOUND OUT IS A TYPE OF FINANCIAL ABUSE. I HAD DONE THIS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SHE WOULD GIVE ME LUNCH MONEY AND INSTEAD OF BUYING LUNCH, I WOULD BUY WEED. I WAS IN DESPERATION BECAUSE I COULD NOT FIND A JOB AND MARIJUANA WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME LESS DOWN IN THE DUMPS, SO I HAD A NICE ROUTINE OF BORROWING MONEY AND LIGHTING UP SO I COULD FEEL LESS LIKE TRASH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME THAT SHE WAS NEVER VERY WELL OFF AND DID NOT HAVE EXTRA MONEY TO BE USING ON MY DRUG USE. I JUST REMEMBER BEING A GIRL AND THINKING SHE WAS SO RICH AND SMART THAT SHE HAD PLENTY AND ME ASKING FOR SOME EVERY SO OFTEN REALLY WOULDN’T HURT HER FINANCES. I WOULD SAY “WELL I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB CONSTANTLY, BUT NO ONE WILL HIRE ME. I AM GETTING LUNCH. HOW COULD ANYONE IN THE WORLD LIVE OFF 10$ A DAY? SO I’D RECEIVE MORE MOSTLY IN 5$ INCREMENTS UNTIL I’D HAVE ENOUGH FOR A 10$ SACK AND A HALF TANK OF GAS. THE TEN SACK WAS ABOUT A GRAM AND WOULD LAST ME 2-3 DAYS. I WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR 4 YEARS. DISABILITY I HAD APPLIED TO 2X, LAST IN APRIL OF 2017, THEY WOULD NOT ACCEPT ME. IT WAS ALWAYS, “YOU’RE NOT DISABLED ENOUGH OR YOU HAVEN’T WORKED ENOUGH TO RECEIVE ANY BENEFITS.” I GUESS, I PUT ON A GOOD ACT WHEN I GO TO THE DISABILITY OFFICE TO APPEAR NOT DISABLED ENOUGH. I NEVER FOUND THAT FAIR BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE RECEIVING DISABILITY AND I GUESS IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK TO GIVE BENEFITS TO JUST ONE MORE. SO I HAVE RECENT GOTTEN WORK AND AM GIVING MONEY BACK YO MY MOM. SHE MUST HAVE LOANED ME A COUPLE THOUSAND FOR DRUG/ALCOHOL/GAS MONEY. I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER ALL OF THAT BACK AND PAY OFF HER CAR. WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT LYING: HAD TO SERVE 2 YEARS PROBATION 15 DAYS IN JAIL PAY FINES OF 7,000$+

IMPACT OF YOUR DISHONESTY: I HAVE HURT THE SHADOW MAN. I HAVE UNDERMINED HIS MANHOOD AND DEMANNED HIM TO MAKE HIM ANGRY WITH ME.

HOW YOU HAVE HURT YOURSELF: BECAUSE OF MY DRINKING AND DRIVING I HAVE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE FOR 1 YEAR AND 7 MONTHS. I USED TO WALK TO LEAVE BUT THEN I ANGERED THE SHADOW MAN AND HE HURT ME SO I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE MY HOME. I WILL MOSTLY ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER.

FEELINGS THAT OCCURRED BECAUSE OF YOUR DISHONESTY: RATHER BY ALONE, WANT TO RUN AWAY…. SO I WOULD ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER AND CRY

POSITIVE EFFECTS FROM TAKING THE RISK TO BE HONEST: I CAN LEAVE THE PLACE I AM HELD HOSTAGE IN, RUN FROM THE SHADOW MAN AND NOT BE PUT IN HARMS WAY EVER AGAIN.

HOW TO BE MORE REAL WITH THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE: I DON’T HAVE ANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

DEVELOP A GOAL FOR IMPROVING YOUR ABILITY TO BE HONEST IN RECOVERY. DEVELOP A PLAN TO BE MORE AND MORE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS: STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY GET OUT OF HARMS WAY

DENIAL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE MAY CAUSE YOU TO NOT SEE THINGS THE WAYS OTHERS SEE THEM. NOT NOTICE THEY ARE WRECKING HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE. MAY NOT SEE THEIR USE AS A PROBLEM, LIKE OTHERS DO. DENIAL KEEPS THE PROBLEM GOING. DENIAL IS CAUSED BY FEAR. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID IF THEY ASK FOR HELP AND ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WILL LABEL THEM AS “WEAK” “CRAZY” OR “A BAD PERSON” ENABLING IS WHEN OTHERS SEE THE USER HAS A PROBLEM BUT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT TYPES OF DENIAL 1) MINIMIZING – SOMEONE MAKES SOMETHING BIG SEEM SMALL. “IT IS JUST MARIJUANA IT IS THE SAME AS BEING SOBER, BUT ENHANCED.” “AT LEAST I WAS NOT SLAMMING.” OR I.E. “I ONLY SMOKE WEED A FEW TIMES A WEEK.”

2) RATIONALIZING – USES REASONS OR EXCUSES TO USE “IT’S MY WAY.” “WELL, IF IT WERE LEGAL, I WOULD USE.” “USE IS A THING OF LIFE.” “IT HAS HEALTH BENEFITS.” “IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER” “I’M ALREADY LATE SO I WILL CONTINUE USING” TEXTBOOK: “IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, SO IT IS OK TO GET DRUNK.”

3)BLAMING – AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES BY POINTING FINGER, LIKE OTHERS CAUSE OUR PROBLEMS. “THEY PROVIDED IT AND OFFERED.” “WIFE USED ME TO DO BUSINESS.” “IT’S YOUR FAULT.” “FUCK THE POLICE.” “HEALTHCARE PROVIDED HIM WITH THE MEDICATION…. FOR MANY YEARS” TEXTBOOK: “MY PARENTS WON’T STOP NAGGING ME SO I GET HIGH.”

4)LYING – WEAVE A COMPLEX WEB TO COVER LIES. LIE ABOUT USE. EASY TO LIE. “IF I WAS CONFRONTED ABOUT LYING, I WOULD NOT DENY IT… I CALLED UP A COP ONCE AND ASKED HIM TO TAKE ME IN.” “BECAUE YOU SAW ME WITH IT, I’M NOT GOING TO BS YOU.” WOULD LIE TO WIFE ABOUT USE. TEXTBOOK: WHEN WE ARE AT A USING PARTY, WE SAY, “I WAS JUST AT A FRIENDS HOUSE!”

5)INTELLECTUALIZING OR COMPARING – COMPARE TO OTHERS TO MAKE OUR PROBLEMS SEEM SMALLER. “THEY DO NOT HARASS THE RICH FOLK IN THE MCMANSIONS.” “WELL, WHY CAN’T I USE?” “THEY HAVE NO SOULS ANYWAY AND JUST SPEND ALL THEIR MONEY ON DRUGS. WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE. FOR WHOM ARE WE TRYING TO STOP RANDOM USERS FROM USE?” “SO & SO LIVED IN A TENT, I DID NOT.”

6)DIVERTING – CHANGING THE TOPIC WHEN ASKED ABOUT USE. “WHERE YOU USING LAST NIGHT?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!” LOOK AT HER AND WALK OFF. “HEY IT’S MY LIFE. YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY.” “DO I KNOW YOU?” ONE PERSON’S TENT IS ANOTHER’S PALM TREE. TEXTBOOK: “YOU CAN HOME PRETTY LATE LAST NIGHT” “WELL, DID ANYONE CALL FOR ME?”

7)ANGER – EXPLODE WITH ANGER WHEN CONFRONTED “DAMN YOU! YOU MUST BE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY ALL POWERFUL!!” “WHO ARE YOU TO TOUCH MY PROPERTY!!” ANGRY IF I WAS HIDING DRUGS AND SOMEONE WAS SNOOPING. ANGRY WIFE SO HE DISSOCIATED

HOW TO HELP OVERCOME DENIAL. IT IS POSSIBLE! CONFRONT THEM WHEN THEY USE THOSE TYPES OF STRATEGIES. YOU WILL KNOW THEY ARE CURED WHEN!!! OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGES EXISTENCE OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM…. “YEAH, I USE.” ACCEPST RESPONSIBILITH FOR THEIR CHOICES AND BEHAVIORE…. “MY BAD HOMIE.” LESS DEFENSIVE AND MORE OPEN….. “WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?” SEES CONNECTION BETWEEN USE AND LIFE PROBLEMS… “NOW THAT I USE I CANNOT BUY A MANSION” INCREASE IN HONESTY……… “I USE FREQUENT AND PREFER IT TO SOBRIETY.. AFTER TRYING BOTH WAYS.” DEALS WITH PROBLEMS WITH CONTINUED POSITIVE ACTIONS…… “I WON’T USE EVERY DAY.” MY CHOICE..NO BIG DEAL

THE LAST TIME I USED WISHFUL THINKING WAS WHEN: I WISHED I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHEN IN REALITY: YOU EITHER HAVE TO WORK FOR MANY YEARS OR BE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON TO RECEIVE A MILLION DOLLARS. THE LAST TIME I ISOLATED WAS WHEN: I LOCK MYSELF AWAY WHEN IN REALITY: YOU WILL NEVER BE ALL ALONE AS YOU WOULD LIKE THE LAST TIME I USED DEFIANCE WAS WHEN: I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL. “I FIGHT MYSELF, BUT I LOSE.” WHEN IN REALITY: NOW IT LOOKS BAD PROVIDES ME WITH A NEGATIVE MOOD WHEN I REALIZE I CANNOT FIX IT PERFECTLY. I HAVE TO PAYTO FIX IT AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE COULD FIX IT PERFECTLY. THE LAST TIME I USED MY OWN DEPENDENCY WAS WHEN: SINCE I CAN’T DRIVE, I WALKED 1000 MILES IN 8-10 MONTHS… TO MARKETS TO FEED MYSELF. WHEN IN REALITY: I COULD HAVE JUST DROVE WITHOUT HAVING THIS CHARGE! THE LAST TIME I MINIMIZED WAS WHEN: THIS USE OF A LIL WEED I HAVE LEFT WON’T HURT ME WHEN IN REALITY: WANT MORE WHEN I RUN OUT THE LAST TIME I RATIONALIZED WAS WHEN: “I CAN FIX IT” WHEN IT REALITY: TAKES HARD WORK TO FIX A THING THE LAST TIME I USED BARGAINING: IF YOU DOTHIS JOB WITH ME I WILL BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK, PAY OFF YOUR LOAN, YOU WILL NOT BE BEHIND AND IT IS A STEADY INCOME WHEN IN REALITY: IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MONEYTO GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.. HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING BACK ON UNEMPLOYMENT LINE AGAIN. THE WORST PLACE TO BE.

STINKING THINKING WHAT DOES STINKING THINKING MEAN TO YOU? SUCKS TO HAVE BRAIN LIST NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ON RECOVERY. WASTE OF MY VERY LIMITED TIME ALIVE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THEY GOT ME INTO THIS CRAP AGAIN? WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR? --RECOVERY IS TOO HARD AND NOT WORTH IT-- --GRADUATED BEFORE BUT KEPT USING HAD TO REDO-- HAVE YOU EVER USED LIP SERVICE TO APPEASE YOUR COUNSELOR? …YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY, WHATEVER, BALOONEY. OR “I AM DOING QUITE FINE!!!” HAVE YOU EVER LIED ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY? DON’T BRING UP SPORADIC USE… KEEP SOBER DATE AS NEW YEARS 2017, BUT I HAVE USED SPORADICALLY SINCE. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME? ..OF WHOM AM I FOLLOWING THIS RULE FOR??.. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF REPEATING SLOGANS ABOUTYOUR RECOVERY IN HOPES OF WINNING APPROVAL? ..”YOU CAN DO IT!” DO YOU BELIEVE ONE DAY YOU CAN BECOME A SOCIAL DRINKER? SOCIALIZING WHO NEEDS IT.. WHAT IS UNREALISTIC BELIEF OR GOAL YOU HAVE? MOVE..ERASE THE LAST YEARS OF MY LIFE.. ERASE MY WHOLE EXISTENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING… ERASE THE COP INTERFERENCES.. ERASE MY MISSED CHANCES GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN BEFORE EVERYTHING BECOMES SO PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC. ARE RULES JUST FOR FOOLS? WHOSE RULES? NOTHING MATTERS. WHAT DID RULES HELP ANYONE ACHIEVE? TOTAL CONTROL? A BETTER WORLD? WHO KNOWS. DESCRIBE SOME CORNER CUTTING THAT YOU HAVE DONE RECENTLY. I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR RECOVERY. MINIMIZE IT AS A RECOVERY I DO NOT NEED DO YOU FEEL OTHER PEOPLE ARE RUNNING YOUR LIFE? I AM IN THEIR GOVERNMENTALLY STRUCTURED CLASS TODAY. --FOR WHOM BY WHOM?—I HAVE NOT LIVED UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL IN 2 YEARS. I HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY OR FOUND MEANING OR SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT IN THESE 2 YEARS. DO YOU MAKE PROMISES WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING? NO DO I SOMETIMES FEEL THAT MY COUNSELOR IS A FOOL? DOESN’T MATTER WOULD BE CHAOS WITHOUT RULES LIST FIVE WAYS YOU HAVE ACTED IMMATURE IN THE PAST WEEK. I HAVE CRIED. WHAT DOES “HE’S ALL TALK” MEAN? DOES THIS DESCRIBE YOU? NOTHING TO SHOW FOR – EMPTY WORDS- TALK IS CHEAP DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE SNEAKY AND MANIPULATIVE. I STOLE MY MOM’S CAR WHEN SHE WAS ON VACATION TO SEE ONE OF MY FAVORITE ROCK BANDS IN CONCERT IN LAS VEGAS. I WAS LEFT HERE IN A PILE OF DIRT. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HERE SO I TOOK THE CAR AND WENT TO HUNTINGTON AND BOUGHT WEED FROM THE REC SHOP. ADDICTION SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TOLERANCE: YOU NEED TO USE MORE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS TO FEEL THE DESIRED EFFECT THE SAME AMOUNT OF ALCHOL OR DRUGS DOESN’T DO WHATIT USED TO WITHDRAWL: WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS, YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY CRAVING: YOU THINKABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL FREQUENTLY LOSS OF CONTROL: YOU’VE FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU COULDN’T FIT IN OR FEEL GOOD WITHOUT ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE BLACKED OUT (OR HAD PERIODS OF TIME IN WHICH YOU HAVE NO MEMORY) WHEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE USED ONE OR MORE DRUGS WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS OR HOW IT WOULD AFFECT YOU. LEGAL PROBLEMS: YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED OR HAD OTHER LEGAL PROBLEMS AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING PROBLEMS IN SOCIAL OR OCCPATIONAL FUNCTIONS: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FULFILL IMPORTANT ROLE OBLIGATIONS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD CHORES, FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES, OR CARING FOR CHILDREN OR OTHER LOVED ONES, AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING IMPAIRMENT OR DISTRESS RESULTING FROM USE: YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF FOR EXAMPLE NOT EATING WELL OR NOT PRACTICING GOOD HYGIENE BECAUSE OF YOUR ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE

WE ALL FACE STRESS, WE ALL DON’T SMOKE CRACK THOUGH PROSECUTER FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL KEEP FROM GETTING COMPLACENT CANNIBANOID RECEPTORS IN BRAIN ONLY DRUG THAT ALREADY HAS RECEPTORS IN BRAIN AND RELEASES VERY SMALL AMOUNTS OF THC IN BRAIN REGULARLY CRF INJECTION --CHAVEZ DRUG LORDS… EL TORO..MEXICAN MAFIA-- DR. REASONS AND SWISS CHEESE MODEL DRANK TO SOBRIETY MOVIES – 28 DAYS, WALK THE LINE, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM MISHAP PREVENTION LEADING TO RELAPSE PREVENTION LAVIGNE HEART MCCAULLY STATE DEMIROL—MIDBRAIN STRATIUM—DOPAMINE— GLUTANINE AND GLUTAMATE FLASH FLOODS, A WET BRAIN NAVY PSYCHIATRIST—MEDICAL BOARD POLICE-- PLAN FOR RELAPSE. A MORAL DEFECT IN HIMSELF DISEASE MODEL DIVERSION PROGRAM 6 MO IN JAIL, 5 YEARS PROBATION ON CORONADO ISLAND

“I USED EVERY DAY FOR 5 YEARS, BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A FUTURE. ALL I LIKE TO DO IS USE. I ONLY EVER QUIT FOR TOLERANCE. I QUIT ONCE IN THAT 5 YEARS TO SEE IF I COULD GET AS HIGH AS THE FIRST 30 TIMES. I DIDN’T SO I THOUGHT 100 DAYS WASN’T LONG ENOUGH. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO STOP USING FOR ANY LONGER, SO BECAME A DAILY USER AGAIN.”

HOW COMMON IS DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION? APPROXIMATELY 10% OF ANY POPULATION HAS AN ADDICTION (~ 700,000,000 PEOPLE) ADDICTION IS MORE COMMON THAN DIABETES (7%) PEOPLE ONLY STOP WHEN THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. WHY STOP OTHERWISE? 1) ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE USE INCREASES IN AMOUNT AND/OR BECOMES MORE FREQUENT MORE IS NEEDED TO GET THE SAME EFFECT SEEKS MORE POWERFUL SUBSTANCES (I.E. CHANGES METHOD/TYPE OF SUBSTANCES USED) BEGINS USE IN MORNINGS, BEFORE SOCIAL EVENTS, ETC PROTECTS/HIDE STASH OBSESSION AND FANTASIZING ABOUT USE EXPERIENCES A TRUSTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SUBSTANCE 2) ADDICTION IS CHRONIC FINANCIAL PROBLEMS LEGAL ISSUES (DUIS, POSSESSION CHARGES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE) 3) ADDICTION IS POTENTIALLY FATAL OVERDOSE/SUICIDE ATTEMPTS 4) ADDICTION HAS IDENTIFIABLE SYMPTOMS BLACKOUTS CHANGES IN TOLERANCE PREOCCUPATION WITH ALCOHOL/DRUGS (BEOMES MOST IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE) WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS (TREMORS, HALLUCINATIONS, SWEATS, ANXIETY, ETC) 5) ADDICTION CAUSES LIFE DETERIORATION 6)ADDICTION IS A PRIMARY DISEASE I DIDN’T LIKE THE OTHER ME 7)ADDICTION IS PREVENTABLE ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

FIVE COMMON PROBLEMS IN EARLY RECOVERY: NEW SOLUTIONS EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP USE RUNS INTO VERY DIFFICULT SITUATIONS THAT MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN SOBRIETY

PROBLEM: CONTINUING ASSOCIATION WITH OLD FRIENDS OR FRIENDS WHO USE CAN CAUSE TRIGGERS NEW ALTERNATIVE: MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT 12 STEP RECOVERIES! …….OR SPIRITUAL RECOVERY GROUPS, NEW ACTIVITIES THAT WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOBER PEOPLE

PROBLEM: ANGER OR IRRITABILITY – SMALL EVENTS MAY CAUSE ANGER THAT WILL PROMPT USING NEW ALTERNATIVE: RECOVERY INVOLVES A HEALING OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY.. MOODS WILL BE AFFECTED (ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES) “NOTHING HAPPENS THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEED A DRINK”

PROBLEM: ALCOHOLIN THE HOME NEW ALTERNATIVE: GET RID OF IT ALL, IF POSSIBLE, ASK PEOPLE TO STOP USING IN THE HOME IF POSSIBLE. MOVE OUT.

PROBLEM: BOREDOM OR LONELINESS NEW ALTERNATIVE: GO BACK TO ACTIVITIES YOU ENJOYED BEFORE YOUR ADDICTION

PROBLEM: SPECIAL OCCASIONS NEW ALTERNATIVE: LEAVE, DON’T GO

1. ARE ANY OF THESE A PROBLEM FOR YOU? GETTING ANGRY -> FEELING LIKE I AM BEING WATCHED/FOLLOWED

2. HOW DO YOU DEAL?

TAKE A NAP. BE ALONE. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. BE THANKFUL AT LEAST I’M NOT SOMEONE ELSE. I.E. A LOSER.

“I CAME HERE TO STOP USING DRUGS, NOT TO STOP DRINKING.” - DRUG TREATMENT INCLUDES STOPPING ALCOHOL AS WELL. IT IS PART OF RECOVERYFROM “ADDICTION”

“I’VE DRUNK AND NOT USED SO IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.” - DRINKING OVER TIME GREATLY INCREASES THE RISK OF RELAPSE AND READDICTION.

“DRINKING ACTUALLY HELPS. WHEN I HAVE CRAVINGS, A DRINK CALMS ME DOWN AND THE CRAVINGS GO AWAY.” - ALCOHOL INTERFERES WITH THE CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN. CONTINUED USE OF ALCOHOL ACTUALLY INCREASES CRAVINGS, EVEN IF ONE DRINK REDUCES THEM.

“I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC SO WHY DO I NEED TO STOP DRINKING?” - IF YOU’RE NOT ADDICTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM STOPPING.

“I’M NEVER GOING TO USE DRUGS AGAIN, BUT I’M NOT SURE I’LL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.” - MAKE A COMMITMENT TO TOTAL ABSTINENCE! MAKE A DECISION ABOUT ALCOHOL WITH A DRUG-FREE BRAIN.

1. HAS YOUR ADDICTED BRAIN PRESENTED YOU WITH OTHER JUSTIFICATIONS FOR DRINKING ALCOHOL? ALCOHOL IS FUN AND MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY. I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ANYWAY. LIFE ENDS EVENTUALLY, GOOD TO LIVE WHILE I CAN. A DAY UNHAPPY IS A DAY WASTED. ALCOHOL MAKE CELEBRATIONS HAPPIER. IF IT IS A RANDOM TUESDAY, ALCOHOL CAN MAKE IT INTO A CELEBRATION.

2. HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOL ISSUES IN THE FUTURE? I WILL HOLD OFF ON GOING OVERBOARD. I USED TO DRINK SO MUCH THAT I WOULD VOMIT ABOUT 2 LITERS WORTH THEN I WOULD PASS OUT. ONE TIME I ABOUT FLOODED MY HOUSE BECAUSE I BLACKED OUT WHILE DRINKING BOUT 10 SHOTS IN A ROW. I WILL SAY I CAN ONLY HAVE 1 OR 2 DRINKS, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER MY PO OR THE POLICE BECAUSE THEY SCARE ME.

EXTERNAL TRIGGERS QUESTIONARE

TIMES/PLACES YOU MAY USE: HOME ALONE, HOME WITH FRIENDS, FRIEND’S HOUSE, PARTIES, MOVIES, CLUBS, CONCERTS, WITH FRIENDS WHO USE DRUGS, BEFORE A DATE, DURING A DATE, BEFORE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, WHEN CARRYING MONEY, DRIVING, LIQUOR STORE, AFTER PAYDAY, BEFORE GOING OUT TO DINNER, BEFORE BREAKFAST, AFTER WORK, SCHOOL, THE PARK, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WEEKENDS, WHEN IN PAIN

ONCE I USED BEFORE GOING TO A CLASS PROJECT AT THE CAPITOL CITY HALL BUILDING. A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES VOTING ON LAWS

LIST OTHER TIMES YOU USE: WHEN I WAKE UP AND HAVE SHIT ELSE TO DO ALL DAMN YEAR UNTO INFINITY BECAUSE I AM UNEMPLOYED. WHEN I AM HAVING A SHITTY TERRIBLE DAY.

LIST OCCASSIONS WHERE YOU WOULD NOT USE: GOING TO CHURCH, AIRPORT, AROUND POLICE, BEFORE WORK, WHEN AROUND EMPLOYERS, DURING A COURT HEARING FOR MYSELF, DURING DRUG CLASS OR PROBATION, WHILE AT A HOSPITAL.

LIST PEOPLE YOU COULD BE WITH AND NOT USE: ANY DAMN PERSON.

WHAT EMOTIONS WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO USE: HAPPY, CONFIDENT, PASSIONATE, RELAXED, EXCITED, BORED, LONELY….. FABULOUS

ALMOST NEVER USE: ASLEEP ALWAYS USE: AWAKE

HAVE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT RECENTLY THAT HAS MADE YOU WANT TO USE: CHECKED YES. I AM HAPPIER WHEN I USE AND I THINK IT IS A NORMAL THING TO DO. I NEVER PLANNED TO STOP USE UNTIL GOVERNMENT INTERFERED. I DID NOT SMOKE WEED FOR THE PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND I DID NOT SMOKE WEED TO BE A STATISTIC FOR HEALTHCARE REPRESENTATIVES. I SMOKED WEED FOR MYSELF AND TO MAKE MYSELF HAVE THE BEST LIFE IMAGINABLE. I AM EXCITED TO MOVE TO A LEGAL STATE AND CONTINUING SMOKING MARIJUANA. YA KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN PRIVACY THERE.

Post Acute Withdrawal

Chinden wendys

Psychiatric Lingo

They call it Regnerative Degenerative or INTERMITTENT

Regenerative….. it will all be better soon

Degenerative ……. Symptoms get WORSE

Intermittent …… days when symptoms are better….. symptoms come and go

It is ok now Now it is bad again Now it is ok Now it is bad

Traditional treatment does not treat Most common is regenerative and then intermittent

Suicide epidemic

The weaker your resistance begins Tetanus Cut yourself on a piece of rusted metal

Lack of attention to your “recovery plan”

Stress is linchpin

Atheist/Satanist

Irrationality YOU CAN SPEAK YOUR MIND

BUT MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU THINKS YOU ARE MAKING SENSE

HOW DID YOU GET HERE

STRESS GUILT CONFUSION

FIGHT A BATTLE WITHOUT A NAME

LEARNING TO TAKE THINGS A STEP THEN ANOTHER STEP

NOT OVER-REACTING TO THE SYMPTOMS.

ABSITENCE ALONE DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO PROVIDE YOU WITH GOOD HEALTH.

HOW MANY CALORIES DO I NEED EACH DAY NUTRITIONIST???? 5,000?

NO SUGAR AND NO CAFFIENE FOR A RECOVERING ADDICT. DO NOT SKIP MEALS

DO NOT EAT POTATO CHIPS SODA CANDY

DO NOT DRINK FOOD THAT PRODUCE STRESS LIKE CANDY JELLY SYRUP

LET DOWN AN HOUR LATER

JANE A RECOVERING ALCOHOL ATE ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT

EATING ICE CREAM HELP HER REDUCE CRAVING FOR ALCOHOL

SLUGGISH AND IRRITABLE COULD NOT GET ALONG WITHOUT IT

NO BREAKFAST

CAFFEINE CAUSE NERVOUS AND RESTLESSNESS

IRREGULAR SLEEP CAUSES IRRITABILITY

EXCERSIZE REDUCES STRESS

NATURES TRANQUILIZERS

STRETCHING AND AEROBIC.

RAISE HEART RATE TO 75% OF MAXIMUM

JOGGING SWIMMING JUMPING ROPE

ABLE TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

EXERCISE 3-4 TIMES A WEEK

MAKE TIME FOR EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY THAT YOU DO NOT EXERCISE YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF

NO PAIN NO GAIN

COPE LAUGHING PLAYING READING

Relapse fight/flight

Muscle cannot relax and tense at the same time

It is impossible to remain tense and relax

Can imagine yourself in a better place

Spiritual divination

Gives your life purpose!!!

Peace of mind through no limitations 😊

Can reach with hope with a positive attitude

Do not have to be open to higher powers

Prayer through spirituality

biopsychosocial

spiritually retold

wholesome living

self-fulfillment

optimum stress level

walter was irritable and anxious

experienced more about saturday

how did your week go???

Friday in wilder

missed 2 UAs – got a car

doesn’t like being alone

can’t get rides to his UA

has 4 classes a week

lives in meridian

thinking about how to get here on his off days

chris

relapse lost his job

new job at Wendy’s

nueropsych test

5 hour

st. als

major traumatic brain injury

2005

high speed rollover accident

pole thrown at her head in the back side

how to deal with problems when they occur

don’t worry

be patient

retrain your brain is rehab to be a new person

longer a peron is sober the less the symptoms become

NA and AA

EARLY RECOVERY

My use will effect them

you have to forget about them if you are putting the pipe to your mouth or you will feel guilty

I was isolated at the drug house

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minaminokyoko · 5 years

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Spider-Man: Far from Home--A Spoilertastic Review

Oh, my baby boy is back and it feels good.

Like many of you, I was looking forward to FFH due to the trauma left behind by our final film with all the Avengers present, and I needed to see my sweet Spider Son to try to dry my tears. I'm happy to say Far from Home is just the popcorn flick we need this summer: light, enjoyable, fun. I do admit to a bias right off the bat, before I begin the review: I am one of the hugest fans of the Iron Dad and Spider Son dynamic, and so I knew by default that I wasn't going to like this movie as much as the first one. Sorry. I am a skank for adopted family tropes, and I think Iron Dad and Spider Son was one of the strongest relationships developed in the MCU period. Losing Tony is just...agonizing. I've sectioned it off in my brain as Did Not Happen just to get by, honestly, and so keep that in mind as we proceed.

Spoilers ahead.

Overall Grade: B

Pros:

-Lemme get this out of the way: MY SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN MY SPIDER SON OH MY GOSH PETER PARKER IS SUCH A GOOD BOI AND A SWEET SMOL BEAN AND I HAVE NO MATERNAL INSTINCTS EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO MCU PETER PARKER AND I LOVE THIS CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I JUST WANT TO PROTECT HIM AND HUG HIM AND BRUSH HIS HAIR AND COOK HIM DINNER I LOVE MY LITTLE BOY Y'ALL.

-Ahem. Tom Holland still shines in this role. I really, solidly care about Peter Parker. He's a great kid and he's very realistic in the way that he's written and acted. He's just a shy, awkward little nerd with a heart of gold who unfortunately has been forced into the worst situations that he's not ready for. I wanted to punch "Nick" in the face for how much goddamn pressure he put on a kid who is literally still in the goddamn mourning process just like everyone else. Peter has so much to deal with and he's only had these powers for a short amount of time, so it's natural that he's so frustrated and anxious and he wants time to go after things that are important to him. I found that very understandable and sympathetic, even if the "I just want to be normal" trope has been done to death in superhero media. MCU Peter has so much heart and I'm proud of this baby for what he's able to accomplish.

-The allusions to Tony and the void left behind hit home quite hard. Especially that fucking gravestone part of the Mysterio sequence. That was just...cruel. Tony taught Peter so much, and he genuinely loved that kid. He grew to love him and trust him and worry about him, and it's so awful that Tony won't get to see him grow up to be his own man. I'm grateful for the time they had together, and I really love Tony leaving Peter the glasses and the A.I., knowing that while he might still make a mistake, he would do the right thing in the end. (Side note: EDITH is as funny as it is fucked up, "Even Dead, I'm the Hero." God fucking damn you, Tony, that is so in-character and it hurts my soul.) "Nick" shoving all that pressure onto Peter made me want to kick his ass, especially since he talks down to him and tries to blame him for not being ready when he only just got into the game relatively speaking. But I also loved the sequence of him in the plane doing exactly what Tony used to do in his lab. It's such a great parallel, showing that Peter is his own person but he's also a chip off the old block, and that is very sweet to see. (I also squealed at the Led Zeppelin comment, oh my son, such a cutie.)

-I was extremely hesitant about them choosing Gyllenhaal for the role of Mysterio (not because of his skill as an actor, just because he looks like a giant puppy, sorry) but now I see why. He's an unstable narcissist and it fits him. What a jerkoff. I was furious with how callous he was and how he shifted blame everywhere like it's just SO necessary to kill all these people for fame, fortune, and money. Ugh, what a shitbird. So kudos to him. I didn't think he could pull it off, but he sure as hell did.

-The effects were fantastic. I really do think the illusion sequence will go down in MCU history as one of the most visually creative, disorienting, heartbreaking things we've seen so far in the saga. It was harrowing, especially the Iron Man suit crawling out of the grave. What a kick in the fucking nuts for Peter, and for us.

-Peter and MJ, while it did get a little overwhelming, were cute as shit. And I'm glad that the modern films are removing the stigma of the "I can't let my family and friends know I'm the hero" thing. It was definitely heavily done in the 80's, 90's, and early to mid 2000's and I'm fine to see it being phased out at least in terms of the MCU. It's a little more realistic that most of your family or friends would be able to handle your secret, and not only that, help you out on occasion. I'm glad she knows and their kisses were freaking adorable. Sweet babies.

-That. First. End. Credits. Scene. What a fucking killer. First off, God bless whoever at Marvel Studios listened to the thousands of fans begging them to cast J. K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson again, continuity be damned. The man IS the embodiment of the character, and I absolutely fucking ADORE that they gave us the nod and the wink we all wanted even back when Spidey was Andrew Garfield. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Next, oh my God, my sweet baby boy, my smol bean, got called out and branded as a murderer. Fuck, this is gonna be a serious problem, and considering the fact that we don't have the next MCU film lined up yet (at the time this was posted, and mind you, San Diego Comic Con is in two weeks, so maybe they'll clarify) the consequences could definitely be crazy. Poor Peter. He's gonna have a lot of work to do in order to undo this mess and prove that he's not Spidey, but this could also mean they're adapting some part of the Civil War story, maybe. We'll see, but that was a big ass bomb to drop.

-The Skrulls second credit scene was a genuine surprise, and it made sense. I thought Nick felt a little off the whole movie, and that really does explain why--it's someone else doing an impression of him and trying their best. Nick would've been smart enough to know probably right off the bat that Beck wasn't who he said he was. His story was way too noble and convenient. Nick would've probably have run facial recognition and then it would ping for a former Stark Industries employee, and that would've been a wrap. I like that it being a Skrull justifies what would be a plothole. Neat idea.

-I appreciated the Spidey's eye view of the action. Those were some cool shots and they were centered well, so you didn't feel nauseous or anything. It kept you in the action and was very engrossing and cool.

Cons:

-The bystander syndrome that everyone got this time around is a little irksome. It's the same reason that while I really, really love Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, I default don't like it as much as the first one since everyone got put into the bystander spot except for basically Peter in the very end. While it was nice to have them defend themselves, I'd have liked it more of MJ and Ned and the others figured their own way out of escaping the drones. Why? Because it would show Peter that it's not always on just his shoulders. His friends are competent and they can help, and I think that would've been a better way to go rather than him doing it himself.

-Some of the humor was flat. JB Smooth and the other teacher are the worst offenders, I'd say. They were given too much screentime and they're not that funny.

-The May and Happy subplot goes almost nowhere and isn't fully explored, and I kind of would've been fine if it hadn't been in the movie at all. It doesn't add much.

-The ending was kind of unclear? Did Beck actually get shot and die from his wounds? If so, then what was the official story about the drones and his body and whatnot? It's all pretty damn vague. If Beck is dead, that's disappointing. I kinda wish Marvel would stop killing the villains at the end of almost all the films. Longest running recurring villains are Loki and Thanos, I think. Vulture lived, and I'd like him to return in the future if possible. You can use actors more than once, Marvel, they're not tissue paper.

-Nitpick: It did almost feel like we missed a movie where Peter likes MJ. She was more a cameo in the first one than a full lead, so it almost felt like there's a short film somewhere of them getting closer and him getting over Liz and liking MJ instead.

-Nitpick: Same with the whole "other guy also likes MJ" subplot. Eh, I could leave it out and not miss it.

-Nitpick: I still can't with how they expect anyone to buy that Night Monkey story. I mean, it's black suited Spidey no matter which way you look at it. And yes, people should immediately notice he's at the very least one of the students at Peter's high school, and then it can't be too hard after that. I mean, Peter doesn't even change his voice while he's in the suit.

-Nitpick: I was kind of hoping for more clues or reactions to half of everyone, you know, being fucking murdered by Thanos for five years and returning to their lives. But I guess that was just pushed aside because it could become a whole rabbit hole issue. Still, though, I was hoping someone would tell us if the Snapped just don't remember being dead or if there is some kind of afterlife they experienced. (Side note: wow, holy shit, the teacher's mini story about it was dark and awful but I did laugh out of shock. I mean, damn. Low blow, wifey. Low fucking blow.)

-They mention spidey sense but I'd have liked it if they explicitly explain why he has it sometimes but other times he doesn't? It seems to fluctuate, but why and how? Is it more like anxiety or an extra sense? Is it based on his emotional health? I want clarification.

All in all, I had a good time and I'd put this in the middlegrade MCU films. I still really enjoy Holland in the role and I want nothing but good things for him and this franchise.

#spider-man #spider-man far from home #far from home #movie review #film review #spoilers #spoiler alert #iron dad #spider son

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lantilay-blog · 5 years

Text

Title:Is it over yet?

(*Warning*dealing with drugs and mental health)

Look I didn’t want to be here, I don’t wanna wind up on the news. “Caucasion boy found half dead on an alleyway.”I swear if you're reading this and your thinking about it, I swear dude I will beat your ass myself. Be an idiot and die or don’t be an idiot like yours truly, and go to school gosh darnit

Being someone like me sucks, and why would you want to be me?

My name is Dravite Russo and I live in Memphis Tennessee (TE) Probably on the ranking for most dangerous cities. The part of Memphis I live in, Beale street isn’t particularly the worst of the entire city but you know...I moved here a couple years ago when I was about 9-years old and I left a lot of family and friends behind that I cared for deeply. I knew I couldn't be sad about leaving some and forgetting some so... I had to change my attitude quickly and forget about it like it was nothing.

New town means new school! I went to Peabody Elementary School and the first week of school was actually pretty laid back. Teachers acted chill too and it meant a non-stressful year for me. I was a top A student and people at my old school wouldn't talk to me because of it. They thought I was too smart for them, basically snobby I guess.Your probably thinking I was lonely, but actually no. I was so occupied with school and the work that comes with it, that I almosted didn't have time for mutual talking or hanging and even taking a minute out my day to breathe. Feelings and expression and even talking to classmates didn't happen.

I was basically a walking school and ate all the teachers. Looking back now I think I wanted to know everything in order to be enough, but see the problem is that nobody knows everything. What was even the point? There’s a lot of parents who see that their child got an 80 and still aren't happy. My parents never missed a chance to say “good job” or even rewarding me with something. Apparently it wasn't enough, I guess I don't want attention, I just wanted to get the work done and graded and move to the next one.

I couldn’t even tell you what made me so insecure about how people viewed me. It's really confusing because I didn't care what people said or how they looked me up and down in the hallways. Future me sees a big insecure kid wanting attention and recognition but also not wanting it at all.Or to even cause the slightest bit of trouble. I felt like a nobody without my knowledge and school in general.

When I went home I’d study till I passed out and for homework I knew the answers were right but I made sure I looked it up in textbooks and looked it up online just in case. Then I’d do an additional practice and then get on with my night at this point… I could have been a prodigy but the sound of skipping grades to be put in higher classes just because I was smart wasn't really gonna work out for me.

I wanted to be able to work hard for those grades and also feel like I did work my ass off. Even if I understood something I wanted to understand it more and more.

When middle school came along, everything changed. I started staying up later because I had a lot more homework and tests to study for. I started to even join some after school activities like newspaper and yearbook club. I started worrying about my grades even though they were good, I still felt nervous somehow. I was starting to get overwhelmed, or impatient that my grades haven’t been updated.

I was in my 8th grade year and still haven't made a single friend. Getting up each day felt worse than the next and not getting enough sleep was because of it. I almost felt like I was falling behind even though my grades again were good. I really felt forced to be productive even though I was the main source causing me to and feel.

I've started to feel stressed and very scared for the future. I kept thinking what would have been the point if none of my time and effort got me a good job or got me in a good college first of all. I thought I wasn't even gonna be good enough after all this. I might have just been in the 8th grade but time was already moving without me so I had to catch up. I’m already lost and pretending not to be.

Then comes highschool. Highschool is… a very interesting place, for many and just overall something. Highschool is one of the most important times for you. It's time to really pay attention and actually do your homework and study till you pass out once again. It might not be college but it's almost like a preparation for you to get ready.

High School was really hard for me believe it or not. Your over productive kid that never chills out says

“ he has a hard time.’’ I know how it sounds but hear me out please…

August 7th 2015, 4 years ago, I was a 16 year old junior going to Central High school. I was in my AP Physics C class and I’m called down to the office. When I get down to the office, one of the principles directs me towards the back to her room. She told me to sit down and before she speaks, she takes a deep breath and w hen she closed her mouth to finish and opens it again to say “I’m sorry,” I think I zoned out for a minute and almost vomit.

I remember not being able to speak, but all I heard her say was, “dead, family.” mom, sister and my dad, had been in a car accident and ended up dying in the hospital nearby. I never thought this… or something like this would happen to me. I remember thinking I worked so hard just to be disappointed. I was thinking now there gonna send me to an orphanage and forget this ever happened.

One of the teachers had to take me to see seem them. I appreciate the one teacher, Misses. Roxxnne for taking time out of her job to take me to see my family. She was actually one of those teachers that didn't treat you just like a student. When we got to the hospital I remember feeling some anxiety and having to force myself through the slide doors. They told us which room each of them were in and we visited them one by one.

Each bruise, cut and wound was hard to look at. Maybe it would of been a lot different if they were actually alive but there not. There... dead and didn't take me with them or why couldn't it just be me with my selfish longing for attention. I tried to hold myself together for Misses.Roxann but once I seen my little sister I just broke down. I never felt this hurt, betrayed, and lost before, makes me wonder how am I supposed to even feel sometimes...Now that I have no family I’m an orphan now. Will wait for years just to be disappointed again. I don’t want a new family, I want my family. I've already seen reality and I know I won't ever get them back and surely if I want a new family it won't be anytime soon.

Nobodys gonna even want a 16 year old. They'll want the younger kids. They have more years with the younger ones so it makes sense. Where Would I go anyway. .It’s not like I can go anywhere so I guess home sweet home...

Let me reintroduce myself. I’m Dravite Russo, I’m 20 years old and have a drug addiction.

Later in school when my addiction started I never paid attention, “class what does not paying attention result to” failing your tests or just in generel not having a fucking clue what’s happening! Come on it’s not that difficult, it especially shouldn't be difficult when teachers offered candy for whoever had that right answer…

I ended up dropping out my junior year when this all happened. I didn't have a lot of family around where I lived so I was forced to live at a good for nothing orphanage. A lot of people think that will have a better life there, but you don’t. You either got a chance to miss your family or missing the fact you never had one. when we do find the one it's certainly not going to be any time soon, like I said.

Throughout highschool and growing up and going through it and all that shit you know. I was really lost and felt lonely and when I found drugs… It really did change my life in a negative and positive way, believe it or not

LDS, Lysergic acid dieth ...something like that but for short acid. What it effects are thoughts, feelings and awareness of surroundings. You hear and see crap that’s not there apparently. See having a high person such as myself try and explain what they're high on isn’t the wisest choice. I mean I know what I’m taking but also don’t really care.

You're probably wondering why I didn't want to wound up on the news dead... Earlier today I decided to walk to the gas station near my aparment and before going I took 4 sheets of LSD. If you want to get to the gas station there's an alley you walk through or drive through. I was about to be right by the store and I immediately fall to the ground. Tears and the acid coming out of my mouth and nose, coughing and choking on my own doing. I couldnt breath, my heart was jumping out of my chest. I really thought I was gonna freaking die and I wasn't damn near ready to die yet.

I’m in the hospital now and a couple of investigators and police people dudes informed me that I won't be charged but will have to go to rehab obviously… When I got to my room I really pondered for a moment about everything. I didn't wanna come out of rehab and do the same shit again so i'll make it my goal. I have to pledge to become free of drugs. To be free from toxic things.

Police report: 8/10/19, Caucasion boy was investigated and was found addicted to LDS and was found in an alleyway found half dead. He was later sent to a hospital and treated and was free from any charges. He was sent to rehab after a week from being in the hospital.8/16/19, 0800 (8:00 am) Dravite Russo was found dead faced down in his bathtub and was assumed to have taken sleeping pills on the side of the tub and a few on the floor. He was prosomed to die at 0300 (3:00 am) hours. in the morning.

Please give me some opinions and critical comments I’d really appreciate it!

#creativewriters #creative wrting #creative #writing #mental health #life #realism #art #short story

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heliantyr · 5 years

Text

ALRIGHT!

Time for questions! I’m going to put 1-9 here plain and simple, and then the rest will be under the break just so that you don’t have to scroll to oblivion if you don’t want to see this! Let’s go!

1: Name

My name is Jude, or Coreta if you wanna use my pen name! A few of you might also know me as Virchude since that’s my main blog!

2: Age

I won’t tell you plainly, but I am still in high school.

3: City that you live in

I’m just gonna tell you which state! I live in the lower peninsula of Michigan!

4: What do most people not know about you?

I’m almost certain that none of you know this, but I am the youngest of my dad’s (kinda) six kids.

5: What do most people know you for?

If we’re talking just here, I hope to all get out it’s my headcanons, but in real life it’s the fact that I get offended rather easily...

6: Hobbies!

I do a lot of pointless writing (meaning I never finish anything)... I also draw a lot of random junk, I rad a shit ton of fanfiction, I sing/write songs a lot... uuhh and do nothing.

7: What are your passions?

I have a very large passion for helping those around me who have suffered like I have mentally and emotionally. I also really like debating (more like arguing) with people about politics!

8: When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?

Just yesterday my mom, older sister, and I ended up accidentally sitting down in the living room and ranting about how shitty out lives are... so.......... yeah

9: have you collected anything? What is it?

I have a small hat collection (that I hardly ever wear), and I’m beginning a plant collection! There is also a ever fluctuating collection of cups and bottles in my room T-T

10: List ten things off your bucket list (I may not remember half of these TvT)

*Take a trip back to Colorado with my friends

*Start a business

*Travel to at least 8 countries

*Go to Andorra

*Be known for some great feat

*Have one of my works (whether art or writing, etc) become famous or greatly known

*Meet one of my favorite actors/band members (doesn’t matter who)

*Learn to swim...............

*Make drastic strides towards saving the planet

*Meet more people from my dad’s side of the family

11: What was the last thing you learned?

Seeing as I got out of world history an hour and a half ago, we learned about the Cold War and how the USSR fell apart because of silly putty

12: How many relationships have you been in?

Counting the ones that didn’t mean shit, 4. Only counting the ones that actually meant something, 2.

13 + 14 I am not answering.

15: Favorite food

Menudo. Fuckin love it

16: Favorite drink

hm... either tea or ginger ale, but out of a shot glass TvT A TWO LETER OUT OF A SHOT GLASS

17: What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?

I went to NYC over my birthday weekend this year with my school’s choir, and our tour leader on my bus got me a pastry in Little Italy! It meant so much because I didn’t even know her!

18: Are you optimistic or pessimistic?

I’m usually pessimistic unless my friends are also being pessimistic, cuz then I’m frigin sunshine and rainbows!

19: Do you sleep during class?

Not very often, and only if what I’m doing isn’t actually important.

20: What is the most expensive thing you own?

If not my actual bed, my laptop, which is $200.

21: What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?

..... I... Don’t know... uh I got a huge fukin thing of cocoa butter lotion at the dollar tree... and it’s kind of multi use?!?

22: How many time a day on average to you check your phone?

.........don’t look at me like that.

23: Text or call?

Text. I wanna call people, but what if they don’t pick up? Or it’s really awkward? or I can’t hear them? or vise versa? or-

24: Opinion on long distance?

Sounds like torture. I honestly couldn’t do it.

25: What is your definition of success?

Feeling satisfied or content with what you’ve done.

26: Favorite song?

um. At the moment, Killer Queen by Queen.

27: Favorite artist?

Music wise, Patrick Stump. Art wise, Van Gogh.

28: Celebrity crush/crushes?

That’s a long list. But my main two recently have been Sebastian Stan and Tom Holland...

29: When was the last time you read for fun?

Aside from fanfiction? Last Wednesday night I stayed up reading Shakespeare’s sonnets to myself...

30: Favorite flower?

chrysanthemums!

31: What is the best gift you could receive right now?

A confidence boost that lasted at least the rest of high school...

32: Any guilty pleasures?

Day dreaming about random shit.... random weird shit about people I know...

33: What is one thing you’d like to change about yourself?

Hm... I think I’d change my mental health. I just wanna be perfectly okay for once.

34: What do you search for in a friend?

being able to understand me, relate to me, and be weird with me. Also mutual interests. And reasonable barriers.

35: How many times have I said “I love you” in the past month?

You expect me you count???? A shit ton! Do you know how many times a day I have a family member leave the goddamn house????

36: Where dd you last go other than your room/home?

School.

37: Why do good things happen to good people?

Because that’s not how life works. Our society constantly has people suffering, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.

38: In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out, or being stabbed in the eye?

Seeing as I’m just about used to the pain of being left out, I’d say being stabbed in the eye. I am such a wuss T-T

39: How many green shirts do you own?

1. It’s a St. Patty’s day shirt.

40: Do you like anime?

noooooooooooo.......... not at allllll.... TvT I’m tired!

41: What do you invest the most time in?

Either videogames or fanfiction.

42: What is the name of the last book you read?

The Hobbit (even though I haven’t finished yet)

43: What’s the difference between loving and liking someone?

No clue... Still trying to figure that out.

44: Where are you most productive?

My art classroom

45: List three things you enjoy doing with friends:

*Complaining about life

*being gay

*Pretend to kidnap one of them my dragging them around the floor during lunch

46: List three things you like to do alone:

*Listen to music

*Think

*Read

47: Do you think that world peace will ever exist?

As long as there are living things on it? Never.

48: Do you have any allergies?

Absolutely none! I knew this kid in the third grade who was allergic to nuts, milk, AND gluten!

49: When was the last time you cussed at someone?

My friend and I got into an argument about who the best actors are during english....

50: What was the last promise you made?

.......Is it bad that I don’t remember?

51: What was your last dream about?

I had a hedgehog (which I really frikin want), and I was taking care of them, and hen this asshole in my grade was in my living room and I had to be nice to him.

52: If you won a trip to Hawaii and could take 5 people with you, who would they be?

*My best friend Kiara

*My friend Raph

*My other friend Molly

*My other other friend Faith

*My dog

53: How many countries have you visited?

1, if you count the fact that I live in one!

54: What is your favorite medium of art?

Music. It moves me so easily.

55: When was the last time someone complimented you?

My friend Laura jokingly complimented my hair during english (we were looking at old english compliments) and she winked at me TyT

56: If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?

uh... hol up, wha?

57: Do you consider yourself mature?

At times, yes.

58: How many days in your life do you think you’ve wasted on tumblr?

so frigin many, but there’s more to come!!!!

59: What is your favorite quote?

“I was so good at sports when I was in high school, that I started a band.”

-Patrick Stump

60: If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?

*Be kind to all (see how that’s turned out???)

*Spend life learning. Try to find the lesson in your experiences.

*Mental growth is more important than anything

61: What is your greatest accomplishment?

Being alive today.

62: Do you believe in the death penalty?

No, not really.

63: What are your goals in life?

To be a better person than my mother is, and to help others on a mental level.

64: What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?

I honestly have no clue... maybe something weird?

65: If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.

I would have to go with.......... oo that’s hard................... the bnha universe T-T I want powers!

66: What were you like in 2013?

I was an awkward, abusive, shitty little child.

67: Do you have a job?

Nope! I’m planning on possibly finding a part-time one soon, though!

68: Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.

His name was Parker, and he was a year older than me. He was my first friend other than my older sister, and I loved him so much. I don’t remember much, seeing as the last time I saw him I was five... It was early fall, just when the leaves start to fall. We had one of those trees in my front year that dropped the seed thingies that twirled around. Parker and I would always toss so many of those in the air until out hands got cold... I really miss him.

69: If you could change one thing in society, what would it be?

I would get rid of corrupt governments and people in positions of power.

70: How many all-nighters have you pulled before?

Never have I pulled one for school, but I find myself staying up til the crack of dawn the day before school starts, usually. Or on nights when I can’t but help contemplate everything to the point of not being able to sleep at all.

71: Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is it?

Tumblr is one of my favorites, but Ao3 has my ass.

72: What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?

Nothing. I tend to be very hard to bribe. But if I reaaallly needed the money, I wouldn’t be able to kill someone, I’ll tell you that.

73: Does money equal happiness?

It can for some people, but not for all.

74: How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?

I don’t know, a few? I’m never truly happy until my thoughts leave me alone.

75: How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?

More than happy, I can tell you that.

76: What’s the funniest joke you have ever been told?

My generation is going to save the planet.

77: When was the last time you looked at the news?

We actually watched a news clip during history today!

78: If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?

Stop being a dick!

79: What is your favorite animal?

A hedgehog!!

80: If you could earn a million dollars for pretending to be dead for three years, would you do it?

NO! I have people who would miss my sorry ass, then murder me for coming back!

81: What is one thing everyone is bad at?

Having a lot of friends. A lot of the time (in my personal experience), the more friends you have, the less time you can spend with them, and the less close you are, until eventually you can’t keep dividing your time!

82: What time do you normally sleep? How many hours do you usually get?

uuuhh... yes, and not enough!

83: Does age necessarily equal maturity?

No, but that does not excuse digusting things like p*****ilia.

84: What is your favorite clothing store?

....The Hot Topical.

85: In the winter- beanies or gloves?

why not both?!?!?!?

86: Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?

Wings. I can’t swim, and I panic underwater.

87: If you had the power to erase someone from the world so that nobody remembered them but you, would you do it?

That depends, does it fuck up history? Cuz in that case, no!

88: What do you fear the most?

Being abandoned by everyone.

89: How many digits of pi can you recite?

3...

90: If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, what year would it be?

2015, so I could leave a better version of my for my friends that I leave at the end of the year,

91: Describe yourself in one word.

Invasive

92: Describe your last victory.

I had a conversation with that asshole from my dream without arguing with him.

93: What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?

SO! This one time towards the end of the school day in the seventh grade. This one kid (let’s call him V) was sitting next to his friend (C). I look over as I go to shoulder my bag, and V is running his hand down C’s thigh. V catches me looking, and goes “WHAT?! he did it first!” like that made it better! (and it kinda did because that’s still one of my best stories!)

94: What is something you will never forget?

Something traumatic

95: Would you rather forget all of the past, or remember everything in vivid detail?

Vivid detail. Then maybe I could win arguments with my sister!

96: Have you ever broken a bone before?

yeah... I fractured the growth plate in my foot in the sixth grade... by walking.....

97: Is it harder love someone, or hate someone?

love is so hard....

98: Coffee or tea?

I drink both, but tea ftw!

99: What are some little things you do that have changed your life in a positive way?

I have become more friendly with my dog, and he actually likes me now!

100: How many hours do spend on tumblr a day?

quite a fukin few....

#asks #long post #bnhahc #get to know me #get to know jude #not headcanons

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an-olive-crown-blog · 6 years

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THE A TO Z OF RYAN FLYNN

a.d.d. // you don’t get diagnosed with a.d.d. until you’re in the fourth grade. you’ve always know how smart you were, but translating the things going on in your brain into being a productive student caused you to struggle. your classmates always just assuemd you were stupid - the class clown who sat in the back and made the other students laugh. it was a role you happily slipped in to; even after the diagnosis.

boston // it’s always been boston or bust for you. you didn’t grow up that far outside of the city but there was never a place in the world that felt as much home to you as boston does. you live and die by this city.

chinook // she’s named after a strain of hops - because of course you would do something like that. she’s the light of your life, the center of your world, the best brewery dog to ever grace the earth. she’s a swiss mountain dog; big, slobbery, and full of love. your girlfriend hates it, but she sleeps in the bed, nestled down by your legs. no amount of fighting will ever change this.

david ortiz // he’s a legend in boston and as a die hard red sox fan you almost crap your pants when you think you see him sitting at the bar in strip by strega on arlington. it doesn’t turn out to be him, though, even after you’ve made a spectacular ass out of yourself in front of your date. you don’t get a kiss at the end of the night, not the you were expecting one after the noise that came out of your mouth when you first thought it was big papi sitting three bar stools away.

exeter street // the last time you see olivia she’s outside of her hotel, clambering into a cab that’s idling on the curb of exeter street. you thought that seeing her after all these years would be fine, that you were over it. it was just coffee, for crying out loud. but she’s leaving again, back to the new life she made for herself in california. there was supposed to be closure but not it just feels like you’ve ripped the bandaid off the bullet wound she left in your heart.

forward // hockey has always had a presence in your life, as it does for most guys who grow up in new england. you’ve been going to bruins games since you’ve been old enough not to cry about the noise or the cold. you’ve even worn your own sweater in highschool as a forward. you were good, but not great. a career in the NHL was certainly never in your future. but now that you’re older you appreciate it more; appreciate the fact that getting your ass up on sunday mornings to play as a forward for the beer league is important to your health (no matter how much your achy body says otherwise come monday morning).

griffin’s wharf brewing // you go through name after name after name before you find one by mistake. griffin’s whart if the supposed site of the boston tea party, an integral part of the history of the city that you love so much. when you come across this fact in a book, it doesn’t take much convincing for your partner to agree that it’s the perfect name for the brewery you’re planning on opening.

harvard // it was silly, ridiculous to think that you could be a harvard man. but it was what was expected of you - to attend your father’s alma mater, to get a degree in chemistry. but school was never easy for you, and while the classes you take aren’t hard, you can’t help but dig yourself so far into a hole that there’s no way out. you drop out at the end of junior year, just one year shy of graduation. looking back, you can boil it all down to self-sabotage.

isla // everyone says that she should have been the first child, and honestly, you can’t help but agree. she’s two years younger than you but she’s always had her shit together, has always known where she was going in life and how she was getting there. she exudes what you’d expect from the oldest sibling while you’ve always flown by the seat of your pants. no one ever believes it when you say that you’re the older sibling.

january // there’s new england blood running through your veins, a fact you can’t deny. there’s something peaceful about the cold of winter; when it reaches it’s peak right at the end of january, your favorite month. the city bustles along as usual, but there’s a quieter quality about it that you can’t quite put your finger on.

kayaking // it’s one of the few things you love about summer, when the city is sticky and hat and ridiculously overpacked with tourists. the charles is actually nice when you’re on the water when in comparison to when you’re on the esplanade. it’s quieter, too, especially if you go in the morning before the sailing academy starts it’s lessons for all those privileged children of beacon hill.

loan // you’re well versed in the world of loans - you’ve got a mountain of them from those unfinished years at harvard. but this is different. this loan, a business loan, could make or break you depending on what the bank says. there’s a fledgling, fragile dream you’ve concocted of owning a brewery and it’s the only thing you’ve ever felt so sure of over the course of your entire life (save for maybe one other thing, a girl named olivia, but that’s nothing more than a pipe dream at this point). when the bank gets back to you and agrees to the loan, it’s the only time you’ve ever cried tears of relief.

massachusetts avenue // the location couldn’t be better - a refurbished building on mass ave in central square. it’s technically not in boston, like you’d originally wanted, but the rent is cheap and the space is good. central square is up and coming, anyway, bustling with hip college students and young professionals. it’s the perfect place for a brewery.

newton, massachusetts // it’s a nice town, you can admit now that you’re older. you can’t really complain about the life you had growing up there because it was a good childhood. it was every suburban cliche you can think of, but it was your parents dream. and while you don’t necessarily share that dream with them - the white picket fence one - it really wasn’t such a bad place to grow up.

olivia // she may be the only girl you’ve ever really loved. she was the big one, the epic love of your life. you’ll never admit it out loud, but it’s not like you have to. anyone close enough to you knows the damage that was done when she left for stanford and you stubbornly refused to follow her. there’s been an aching in your heart ever since.

patriots // you aren’t as big of a patriots fan as you are a fan of the red sox, but there’s no denying that your blood runs navy and red. you are a walking, talking new england cliche, but there is nothing quite like shotgunning beers to stay warm in the parking lot of the stadium in foxboro.

quincy market // it’s the only part of the city that you truly detest and avoid as much as possible. it’s too touristy, too filled with people walking slow and doing what’s expected of them while visiting boston. the only time you ever go is in the dead of winter, when the big christmas tree is all lit up and beautiful in the middle of the marketplace.

red sox // you’ve been going to games since you were too little to remember. there’s a familiarity about fenway; the green monster, the cold beer in flimsy plastic cups. you were there when they broke the curse in 2004 and won the world series, and while you don’t get to go to as many games as you’d like anymore, there’s a calender hung on the fridge of your apartment with the season schedule.

simcoe hops // the first beer you ever sell to your first customer - your first real customer, who isn’t in any way, shape, or form, related to you or your partner - is made with simcoe hops. it’s one of your early favorites - dry hopped and earthy with fruity finishing notes. it quickly goes on to be one of the breweries most popular beers.

thirsty scholar // you meet olivia at the bar in inman square as a sophomore with a fake ID. you don’t even know why you’ve strayed so far from the usual bars in harvard square, but when you lock eyes with her from across the dimly lit bar, you feel like the stars have aligned. like every decision you’ve ever made in life has led to this one moment in time (in a dirty, college bar of all places).

urban legends // it’s a weird quirk, even for you. you’re very scientific minded - logical, analytical, quick to solve puzzles and rational, above all else. you can’t seem to define what the draw of urban legends are or why they are so enticing to you, but they are. you collect them, catalogue them in your brain. for every place you’ve ever visited, there’s some obscure urban legend you’ve researched and recited, much to the chagrin of your friends.

verb hotel // it’s tucked behind fenway, not even really that from where you live. the sushi bar on the first floor is one of your favorite haunts. it’s always packed and busy, brimming with the after-work crowd and tourists. it’s a good place to people watch and the sushi isn’t half bad, so when you feel like you need to get out of the apartment but that you want to be alone, you always find yourself ending up here, even if you didn’t mean to.

wonderland t stop // you take the blue line all the way out to wonderland. normally you wouldn’t be caught dead in revere but there’s a peacefullness on the beach that’s right down the street from the t stop. sometimes you just need to breath in that salt air, feel the sand beneath your toes. sometimes you need a break from the suffocation of the city.

xfinity center // it’s a hike to get to mansfield from boston but when you’re young and carefree you don’t mind. you’ve seen dozens of concerts at the ampitheatre, and were there in 2003 when pearl jam played the longest set they’ve ever done. there’s memories tucked away in the back of your mind of piling into cars with all your friends and olivia and making the trek down.

yellow // it’s the color of the mug that olivia gets you for the last birthday you two celebrate together. yellow, with black writing that reads ‘i am a ray of fucking sunshine’. you still have it, tucked way in the back of your kitchen cabinet, one of the few remaining reminders of your time together.

zombies // it’s childish, maybe, but you’ve always loved a good zombie move. it doesn’t matter what kind (although comedic are your favorite). every year on halloween you sit down and force your loved ones to watch shaun of the dead with you. it’s tradition, and not one you’re likely to break any time soon.

#gravityrp #this took....way longer than anticipated lmao #ch: ryan

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olivia-studies-neuroscience · 6 years

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Tips for a Carleton University Science Student

Textbooks

Don’t by used books until you’re sure that you don’t need an access code for a homework website

If you need a $200 chemistry textbook that comes with the access code, and you buy the book used, you’ll probably only get the book for as cheap as $50 at a used quality, and the access code on its own is usually $150 anyway, so you’re actually losing out rather than saving by buying used books; buy books new if you need the access code with it

Make sure you actually need the textbook before buying it, if you look in the syllabus and there’s only one reading, you probably don’t need to shell out $100 for it

Email the prof if the textbook information hasn’t been provided for you ahead of the class and you want to get ahead in your readings

Sometimes you can buy a previous edition for cheaper than the most recent and the prof is usually cool with this; the homework questions are different but the profs often have sample ones to give from the old textbook as well as the new, and important figures you need for the midterm/exam you can get from a friend with the newer version of the textbook

Carleton students: go to Haven Books instead of the Campus Book Store

Be careful when looking for used books, not everyone is trustworthy to buy from, especially if you’re buying from someone on the Facebook used book group

Always flip through the textbook to make sure there aren’t any chunks of pages missing, and if it truly isn’t highlighted like said in the ad; check if there are separate booklets that usually come with the textbook when bought new and make sure you get those too

Try and bargain with the seller, often upper year students are just trying to get rid of their old books and if you ask for a lower price they will probably say yes

LOOSELEAF textbooks are the best!!!! They save you like $50-100 and all you have to do is buy a binder for like $10 (you need a sturdy one for heavy textbooks like for biology)

Don’t open the plastic until you’re 10000% positive you have the right textbook (and make sure you have the one that comes with the access code if you need one for the class) because you can’t return it once opened (except if you return it as a used book)

If there is an electronic copy available and you can (legally) print it, do it! Being able to highlight it and hold it in your hands while waiting for the midterm hall doors to open is (in my opinion) better than just having it saved to your desktop

Rent textbooks through the campus book store

The (Carleton) library has a reserve section that has textbooks that you can borrow for a few hours (while still in the library) so you don’t have to buy them; however, not all prof’s put their textbooks on reserve and there aren’t endless copies so someone else may have it when you want to read it

Take good care of your textbooks so you can sell them next year

Sell them back to students rather than the bookstore so you can get more money to help pay for your textbooks for the new year

It’s harder to sell the books with highlighting and marking in them so an alternative is to use sticky notes in your book (a little costly if you want nicely coloured ones and such but pretty and keeps the textbook pristine)

Personally, I use pencil because I can just underline important bits, which I actually find makes me engage in the material more than highlighting, and I could erase it to sell it again (instead I’m just giving the books to my sister next year so she gets them free, lucky her, lol!)

A word on e-books: they expire after the course is over, so you can’t sell them after and if you failed the course/want to re-take it to improve your grade, you have to buy the text again

If you have friends taking the class with you, split the cost of the book with them!

Picking Classes

The Carleton Central website is not user friendly at all. I hated every minute I had to use it when I first accepted my offer; to combat this: I suggest going on the website and feeling around it to get used to it and figure out where all the important links are before going on it to set stuff up

Set up your school email as soon as possible because if you have any issues figuring out how to use the website to set up residence/meal plan/etc. you can ask for help, but no one will answer your emails if they’re not from your Carleton email (this is for privacy reasons, they’re not trying to be difficult)

At Carleton, you can set up your timetable in advance of when you actually have to register for classes; do this as soon as the opportunity arises because the classes fill up fast on registration day and you don’t want to still be figuring out which section and time and everything when you need to just click the “register” button and be done with it

Speaking of registration, you will receive a time-slot based on your student number/last name (I forget which) so don’t worry too much about classes filling up before you get your chance

If a class required for your program fills up before your time-slot opens don’t panic yet; several classes have online sections where they live stream the lecture and you can watch it that way, and if the regular section is full then you’ll just have to register in the online section.

You can still go to class rather than watching it online, and most people do this; my chemistry class had people sitting on the stairs and on the floor at the front of the lecture hall for the first two weeks before people decided if they’d rather watch online or in the lecture hall; the only thing this really affects is where you write your mid-terms and exams, and if you complete your teaching-evaluations in-class, or online

I hate to break this to you, but if you’re in a science program, having one day completely free in first year is not a reality (if you get one please tell me how). I can almost 100% guarantee that you will have lectures every day

Mental Heath & Self-Care

Allow yourself mental health days where you can skip your classes to recover without feeling guilty about it

Don’t take classes at 8:30am if possible, even if you’re a morning person, you will regret it

Especially don’t take 8:30 labs because you can’t miss those without a doctors note

Don’t pull all-nighters in the library when its open 24 hours during exams. Go home. Shower. Eat real food instead of just snacks you brought to the library with you. SLEEP. IN YOUR OWN BED

Try not to fall into that hole of all-nighters where you start rewarding yourself for completing an assignment with a shower or something that’s a basic necessity. You shouldn’t put getting work done above taking care of yourself, no matter how important the assignment or lab report

TAKE BREAKS. It’s okay every once in a while studying, you don’t have to just curl up with a textbook in some corner of the library and study it until your hair falls out, you’ll remember more anyway if you allow your brain some time to absorb the information (trust me, I’m here learning to be a neuroscientist)

Fun fact: you can cry from any emotion. Why is this relevant in a list of tips for new university students? Because you will probably get overwhelmed at some point and cry, and crying is good for you, and also natural. Emotions are chemical levels in your brain and your body is constantly trying to maintain homeostasis (equilibrium, balance, etc.); if your brain notices that there is a lot (or too much) of once chemical, it will try and get rid of it. One way to do this is to package up those chemicals all nice and neat into tears and flush them out. (hint: this is why we feel better after crying, because those emotions were essentially “cried out”). So don’t try and hold everything in because you don’t want your family or new friends to know you’re struggling, because not only is it okay to cry, but your friends are likely just as overwhelmed and your family must know how hard you’re working and how hard school is. You can cry because you’re overwhelmed or because you’re happy or because you watched a wonderful movie (e.g. Moana) and all this means is that you are beautifully and wonderfully human! (pro tip: drink water after crying)

Keep a clean room; I know this sounds annoying but it will help clear your mind and give you a healthy study space. Coming home from a long day of classes and labs to a messy room might only make you more stressed

Drink some water you fool

Naps are cool as heck

Instead of making a competition out of how high your stress levels are, brag about feeling whole and at peace (and if you aren’t, pretend until you believe it)

If you have anxiety, cut out caffeine from your life (even if you don’t have anxiety this is a good idea to do) (I know some really good caffeine-free teas)

Don’t beat yourself up about not getting everything done, just do your best to get as much done as you can (sometimes, mental illness means your best is only doing one of your two assigned readings, this is okay)

One of the biggest lies you will be told in your life is “don’t half-ass anything”; waiting around for the day where you can do absolutely everything you need to do when you have a mental illness or even if you’re still getting adjusted to your new responsibilities as a university student (and adjusting doesn’t just take a few days or weeks, it’s a continual process) is silly, that day may never come. Do as much as your illness permits you to do. If all you can do is make your bed while the rest of your room is a mess, just make your bed. If all you can do is type the heading for your resume, just do that. If all you can do is put the papers for your taxes in a pile, do that, and take a shower or rest. You don’t have to do everything at once, it is okay to just do a little bit

There are 5 things to ask yourself if you’re feeling particularly yucky and don’t know why:

Have I eaten anything substantial recently? Eat an apple or go to the school cafeteria/make something at home

Have I had anything to drink? Grab a bottle of water

Have I slept a decent amount in the last 24 hours, and in the days before that? Take a nap

Have you engaged in any exercise or movement recently? Go for a walk

Have I spoken to anyone at all in the last while? Text or call a friend/family member

Essentially: eat, drink, sleep, walk, and talk

The pomodoro technique is lifeeeee!!!!! Study for 20 minutes or so and then take a break, then repeat (after about three sessions, reward yourself with a longer break than before); if you can’t focus, this is a great way to get a little bit of work done

If you have an IOS device, I recommend the app Tide

Residence & Meal Plans

Apply for residence as soon as possible because although most schools guarantee an offer for first years, they really only mean before the deadline and after that you’ll be on a waitlist. If you get off the waitlist and get a room offer, it probably won’t be in one of the buildings with air conditioning, an elevator, or windows that actually open

If you plan on having a job while at school, you can ask to be in a residence building that remains open over the holidays (this does cost extra though, and for some reason, despite this being an option at Carleton, and that you’re not allowed a hot plate or other cooking device in traditional style rooms; virtually all the places to eat on campus are closed for the entire winter break, including the caf)

On holidays and reading week, the caf closes like, 2 hours early, this sucks. More times than I’d like to admit, I forgot it was a holiday and went to go get dinner at my usual time to find the doors were locked and it didn’t open again until 7:30 the next morning, with literally every other food place closed for the holiday, Mr. Noodles was the only option remaining. Don’t do this to yourself, please

At Carleton you have to rent mini-fridges through a company with the school called coldex

The prices aren’t bad and you can always split with your roommate if you’re in a double room

A bonus of this is that if you order it before a certain date, the fridge will already be in your room when you arrive on move-in day

I haven’t heard of people sneaking in their own and what happens if the school finds out, but I still wouldn’t recommend bringing your own (you don’t want to have to hide a whole mini-fridge when inspections come around)

Move-in day is hectic

Arrive as soon as possible to get it out of the way so you can start exploring campus, check out the cafeteria, and go to some events for frosh week

There are volunteers to help you bring your stuff up to your room so no need to bring your entire extended family (unless you want them all there, of course)

If you have prescriptions of any kind, then switch your pharmacy to the on-campus one and write down the hours somewhere

A few words on the dorms:

Most of the desks have a built-in lamp so don’t buy a desk lamp before you know if you need one

They also have a push-pin board so bring pins to hang your pictures and class schedule

Christmas lights go a long way to making the place more home-y

Buy a coat rack that goes over the front door, and one of those shoe organizers to go over the bathroom door and fill it with all kinds of things

Bring lots of storage bins

Buy one of those fabric shower caddies that go over the shower head so you can all keep your soap organized in the bathroom (the showers don’t have very much shelf space and it can be a pain to carry all your soap in and out, especially when it’s all wet from your shower

The room should come with a garbage and recycling bin, but might not have one for the bathroom as a heads up

Act like your parents are visiting once a week and tidy everything up

Labs

If you are a science or engineering student, you will definitely have labs, lots if you’re in science

Most labs (i.e. chemistry and physics) are every two weeks, and sometimes they have a tutorial on the opposite week (chemistry doesn’t, you just have an empty three-hour slot on one week).

Biology labs at carleton are every week, going from experimental labs one week to analytical labs the next week (sometimes theres a computer simulation lab the week before the experimental, so in that case the lab topic spans three weeks)

You will usually have two weeks to write your lab report and then hand it in at the beginning of your next lab session, but sometimes they only give you one week (this is good and bad at the same time) DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE TO WRITE A FORMAL LAB REPORT

They take at least 6 hours to write and thats once you get the hang of it and 6 hours will probably still only get you an 80%

Informal lab reports (write-ups) you can probably get away with doing the nigh before but don’t be surprised if you get a 60% with only that much work put into it

Don’t forget to do the lab assignments online, they are usually worth a lot towards your grade for that lab (even if you do the multiple choice quiz real quick before the lab starts, it’s better than nothing)

Go to the Science Store as early as possible to buy your lab coat, glasses, notebook, and manual, the lines are crazy long

You can’t buy an older version of the lab manual to use for a new lab session, they won’t let you and if they find out you’re using an older version of the manual, they could decide to give you zero on everything. They change little things so you might end up doing the wrong thing in your experiment which can be very bad if its a chemistry lab for example.

If you don’t know something, or are unsure, ask the TA. Even if you’re mostly sure, ask the TA. Most labs are designed to take exactly there hours if you do everything correctly the first time, so if you do something wrong, you can end up rushing to finish before the lab ends

THEY WILL NOT LET YOU STAY LATE TO FINISH YOUR LAB

If you do happen to finish your lab early, instead of leaving as soon as the TA signs you out, do some calculations you’ll need for the report, you will thank yourself sooooo much later I’m not even exaggerating. One time I started them at the end of my lab and then forgot about it and you better believe there were tears of joy in my eyes when I opened up my lab notebook to start the report later and saw that I had already started

Decorate your lab coat!!! Spice it up!! Spell your name in the periodic table across the back, cover it in sharpie! Put your favourite science joke on the pocket! Have fun!

Roommates

Roommates can be a blessing or a curse; if they’re a curse, switch to another room as soon as possible

If you can’t stand your roomate, then you’re only going to be more stressed when you’re at home on top of all the stresses of your new life as a university student, and that’s not good

All roommates and canmates have to sign a roommate agreement once you’ve settled in

A canmate is someone living in the room that adjoins your bathroom (most Rez buildings are designed with two rooms sharing a bathroom)

Reach out to your roommate once you’ve been told who they are so that you can meet up before move-in day if possible to get to know each other, get each other’s phone number

If you’re thinking of renting a mini-fridge, see if your roommate wants to split the cost of one so you can share!

Consider buying a silent alarm (its basically a watch that vibrates to wake you up instead of ringing) and earplugs so that you don’t have to wake each other up if one of you has an 8:30 while the other doesn’t have class until noon

Make sure you both agree with the decisions made in your roommate agreement, don’t agree to anything that you’re not comfortable with.

Remember that its just as much your room as theirs, and vice versa

Understand that dorm rooms are small, so don’t be afraid to voice your preferences and concerns; communication is key and it keeps everyone happy

Try to be understanding; don’t give your roommate a hard time about something they have no control over

When it comes to alcohol or other substances, be open and honest about what is okay and what isn’t

Officially you’re only allowed 2 guests per roommate in the room at once (so 6 total), but unless you’re being loud and disrupting the whole floor, nobody is going around and policing it

As with room capacity, there is a set limit on how many times you can have overnight guests, but nobody is really counting (except maybe your roommate)

Definitely give each other a copy of your class schedule

Some people like to leave their door open so that you can go in and meet them, it may be awkward but you should totally go for it! Most people are really shy and won’t go in, but you can still leave your door open too

Go to floor meetings (officially they are kind of required) to meet people, and also because they usually provide snacks or participation prizes (I won a $10 Tims card at my first meeting)

If you’re going to come home at 3AM drunk with friends after a night of bar hopping in Quebec, then get a single room

Your roommate doesn’t want to wake up to the sound of you kissing your S.O.

Do the dishes as soon as you can, don’t let them fester and grow old because you hate washing dishes in the tiny sink Don’t snoop, we all have things we like to keep to ourselves

If you’re going to hook up with someone in the room while your roommates away, make sure they’re not going to come back early. And don’t forget to dead-bolt the door and lock the bathroom so they don’t go through the canmates room thinking their key card is just broken

Share emergency information with each other; do you have a history of seizures that they should be aware of? Any allergies like peanuts so they know not to keep peanut butter in the room? And if you’re unconscious being sent to the hospital, whom should they call?

Always use headphones/earbuds. Even if your roommate has the same taste in music or likes the same movies/TV shows, wear them for the love of all that is good in the world. Get a headphone splitter if you want to watch a movie with a friend on your laptop.

Meeting New People

Academic orientation day was honestly the best time for me to make friends; everyone I talked to that day was either in my faculty or a related program (if not the same program as me). My closest friend now is a girl I met on academic orientation day who’s in my program, and we got to study for all our classes together and since we had such similar schedules, we had the same blocks of free time to hang out.

Make friends with people in your program. You can keep each other on track with your studies, explain concepts to each other, quiz each other, work on assignments together, and so many more things; you can hang out and study at the same time which is a really great thing

If you have friends from high school going to the same university as you, but in a program nothing like yours, then you’re probably going to have a hard time finding space in both your schedules to hang out. Make the best effort you can to hang out anyway

You know those people you can see rolling their eyes at you from the corner of your eye? Don’t make friends with them. They don’t have your back and they don’t care enough to listen to you when you’re talking about your personal struggles. Don’t waste time on someone who wouldn’t give their time to you

disclaimer: the information provided here is based mainly on my experiences as a neuroscience student at Carleton University, as well as from other sources that I looked at for ideas on what else to add here.

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breakmyreddieheart · 6 years

Text

(Please Don’t) Say Anything - Ch1

Ok so get ready for a Reddie AU fic based on this post by @starstruck-stargazing

++ Accompanying Playlist ++

Summary: It’s the last days of high school and the Losers are soon to be leaving for university, moving to different parts of the country. Richie is trying to figure out how to tell Eddie how he feels about him, but only ends up making things worse and needs to figure out how to apologize. Bev has a cunning plan, and Richie Tozier gets extra...

Setting: Derry, ME - the summer of 1995

Pairings: Reddie (main), Stenborough (on the side) also Bev is dating a girl and Ben and Mike are just wholesome individuals right now

Words: 2k

Warnings: implied psychological abuse, sexual innuendo’s (guess who), so much fluff

A/N: There is definitely some inspiration from the themes in this post by @elfiekaspbrak which I definitely recommend reading because it destroyed my emotions for a solid few days (in the best way) // Also if you didn’t get it, the title is a reference to the John Kusak film from which the stereo trope originated from // Also I’m British and know the bare-minimum about the US education system so forgive me if I make any errors!

----

As the bell rang, signifying the end of the academic year, students gleefully poured from the classrooms eager to start their summer break.

The excitement throughout the corridors of the Derry Regional High School was palpable. Students whooped, ran and jumped around as teachers tried in vain to keep the peace. Lockers emptied, workbooks were trashed, and students poured from the main doors like ants from a nest into the bright summer sun.

Somewhat less enthusiastically, Eddie Kaspbrak emerged from the last exam of his Senior year and pushed his way through the stampede to clear out his locker. He’d spent the last week meticulously studying for this Biology exam, and despite being familiar with all the questions he still worried that he’d messed up somehow. He needed to ace this to get into the University of California.

He’d heard great things about UC; it was one of the best places to study medicine, something he’d wanted to learn more about since finding out how his mother had spent most of his life lying to him about his health. He felt that if he could understand the science behind immunology, he could break her hold over him. Better still, it was in the heart of San Francisco which was about as Liberally removed from Derry as Earth is from Pluto; he could be himself without fear of the likes of Henry Bowers and the rest of the homophobes that Derry seemed to attract like flies to shit.

Of course, best of all, California is the direct opposite end of the country to Derry and the controlling grasp of his mother.

She had cried when he told her that he’d applied to UC, “You can’t leave me, Eddie, you need me to look after you” she kept insisting, trying to work her insidious words into his mind; but Eddie had spent years pushing that door shut and he wouldn’t let her talk him out of this. “I raised you, fed you, clothed you and now you’re just going to abandon me like this? You won’t last you know, you’ve always been a fragile boy. You’ll be back here before the end of the first semester and I’ll be left to clean up the mess.”

He did love his mother, in a way, but he didn’t trust her. Having learned more about his father’s death he could see why she was so protective of him, but he could never forgive her for her manipulative behaviour. He hoped that putting 4000 kilometres between them might improve their relationship.

However, the real reason for choosing UC - the reason Eddie didn’t dare admit, even to himself - was because Richie Tozier had been talking about moving to California for years. Eddie had his reasons for hating Derry, but for Richie escape was a necessity. He rarely talked about it openly, but Eddie suspected that Richie’s biggest fear was being stuck here forever.

But that would be stupid, right? Moving to the other end of the country just to be near his friend? His best friend, admittedly... but all of the Losers Club were his best friends, why should Richie take precedence? But that was the question that nagged in the back of Eddie’s mind late at night. The question he didn’t dare answer for fear of the implications...

No. He kept himself convinced with thoughts of his career and his freedom. These were things he could explain to people without feeling an asthma attack coming on. Not that he really suffered from asthma anymore - if he ever had - but sometimes when he thought of Richie moving to California without him, he would feel the familiar old tightening in his chest.

His mind was brought jarringly back to the present when he heard a crash beside him as Richie himself came bounding up from behind and slammed his hand on the next locker over.

“Eddie m’boy!” he declared in a mock British accent, “Chin up old chap, it might never happen!”

Eddie realised he’d been staring blankly at the contents of his locker for the last few minutes. His books were neatly stacked and organized alphabetically, and a half-empty bottle of hand sanitizer sat carefully on top of the personal toilet roll he kept in case the toilets were in a particularly bad state. Some of the habits instilled in him by his mother were hard to shake.

“Sorry Rich...it just feels surreal, you know? This is the last time I’ll come to this locker. There’s a lot of ‘lasts’ today and it’s hard to keep up.”

Richie nodded in agreement, “Yeah I’ll be sorry to see that last of Miss Kowalski’s ass. Such a sad day!” He mocked rubbing tears from his eyes, and Eddie punched him lightly on the arm while shaking his head in judgement.

“She’s old enough to be your mother, Richie” Eddie scoffed, packing the last of his things into his backpack.

“Top milf material though, amirite??” he raised his hand for a high five. Eddie rolled his eyes and pushed his locker shut for the last time, leaving Richie hanging as he walked towards the exit.

Richie high fived himself and chuckled as he bounced along after Eddie.

“So how’d it go?” Richie asked, drawing level and ruffling Eddie’s hair, “Can we expect Dr Kaspbrak to be showing his face anytime soon?”

“I don’t know Richie, it was tough...” Eddie replied honestly, fiddling with the loops on his shorts where his fanny pack used to sit; a habit he seemed to do when he was nervous.

Richie swung his arm around Eddie’s shoulder and pulled him into a playful side-hug. “I’m sure you aced it, Spaghetti. My boy genius is gonna go far!” He waved his free hand in front of them in a rainbow motion, looking proudly into the distance.

Eddie blushed at Richie’s confidence in him, leaning into the hug before instinctively replying “Don’t call me that, Richie. It’s silly.” He loved it really, and Richie knew it. “How about you?”

“I dunno man, I think I overperformed. Old Gladhart can’t handle all of this talent in one sitting.” Mr Gladhart was a classical theatre lecturer, and while he often berated Richie for his crass attitude towards the scripted material, he couldn’t deny Richie’s ability to engage an audience.

“I’m sorry I missed that!” Eddie chuckled, imagining Gladhart begrudgingly marking Richie’s work with the A-grade he undoubtedly deserved.

As the pair walked out of the main doors, the crowd dissipating now, they were greeted by the rest of their motley crew. Mike rushed over and bumped fists with Richie. “Dude! I hear you destroyed that Hamlet monologue, people are talking about it already!”

“Michael, one does not ‘destroy’ the classic works of Sir William Shakespeare” Richie began in a mockery of Gladstone’s poetic mannerism, “one simply adds some spice so that the audience doesn’t take their own lives after hearing fifteen renditions of the same tedious monologue.”

While Mike and Richie laughed about Shakespeare, Eddie joined Bill and Stan who were interrogating Bev over the contents of the envelope she was clutching to her chest.

“Come on, just give us a hint, I saw the college insignia on the front you might as well just spill the beans” Stan teased, knowing that Beverly wasn’t giving anything away.

“Stan, no! I want to wait until we’re all together, this is important to me.” She slipped the envelope carefully into her bag so that they couldn’t see the front again.

“Fine, but this had better be worth the wait” Stan replied, turning to greet Eddie. “Eddie! How did it go?”

“Great, I think.” He didn’t want to think about tests anymore, the sun was beating down and summer felt like it was finally getting started.

“Did Richie’s r-r-revision cards help?” Bill asked, unaware of the can of worms he’d just opened.

“Richie was helping you study Biology!?” Bev and Stan both exclaimed.

“But Richie hates Biology...” Bev pondered.

“Well I’m sure studying anatomy with Eddie has been on his to-do list for a while now” Stan sniggered. Bev backhanded him across the arm shushing him, and Eddie blushed a deep shade of red.

“It’s not like that!” Eddie exclaimed, glaring at Bill for exposing him. “He was just showing me some techniques he uses to memorize his lines, and yes it did help me remember a lot more than I usually do” he responded snarkily.

Richie had been climbing through Eddie’s bedroom window most nights for the last few years, mostly to study - avoiding bumping into Mrs Kaspbrak who didn’t like the influence Richie had on her son. But some nights Richie would come in and just sit on the bed without talking much. Eddie suspected these were the nights his father was particularly harsh, but Richie didn’t like to talk about his family. Mostly Richie just wanted to be around Eddie, but Eddie suspected he was just the closest of the group to Richie’s house. He didn’t dare think that Richie could actually care about him...

He would make tea and bring it up in Richie’s favourite mug - the one with Eddie’s baby pictures printed on it. His mother had always insisted on having one made for each of his birthdays when he was younger, something she seemed to be less concerned with after his father’s death. Richie liked to joke about what a chubby baby Eddie was, and Eddie just liked that he could make Richie smile again.

But he didn’t want the losers to tease him about Richie, so he kept their nighttime visits a secret - except for Bill. When he began to realise he might care about Richie as more than a friend he needed to talk to someone. Bill and Stan had started dating last year - the Losers weren’t surprised, but Eddie admired their bravery in being so open with their feelings, so he felt Bill might have some good advice. Stan might have as well, but he’d be way too sassy with it, so Eddie confided in Bill alone.

Stan smirked as Richie came over and picked Eddie up from behind, spinning him around before popping him down and leaning on his shoulder. Eddie glared at Stan, imploring him not to say anything.

“Speak of the Trashmouth and he shall appear” Stan quipped. Eddie clenched his fists while Stan gave him a wry wink.

“Eddie Spaghetti just can’t stop talking about me, can he?” Richie teased with a smirk on his face. Stan laughed, maybe a little too hard, and Eddie worried he might die of embarrassment right then and there.

Ben was the last to leave the building and join the group, providing the distraction Eddie needed. Stan looked pointedly at Bev, “Is this ‘everyone’ enough now?”

“Ok, ok,” Bev said, rummaging in her bag before pulling out the envelope and proudly flashing the New York Fashion Institute insignia. “I got an unconditional offer, they loved my portfolio!”

Everyone cheered in unison, embracing Bev in a group hug. She was the second to receive a firm offer, Ben already having arranged to study abroad at the School of Architecture in Stockholm. The rest of them would have to wait for their exam results.

Bill was hoping for a place at Boston University to study English Literature. Stan would be joining him to study Accounting, but they had both made sure that they had backup options in close proximity. The group had joked that their place would be the de-facto destination for group reunions.

Mike, meanwhile wanted to stay close-by to help his family with the farm. He would be travelling to the University of New England each week to study Modern History.

The subject of Richie’s college of choice, however, was still up in the air. Eddie hadn’t managed to get a straight answer out of him, Richie always joking about going to “study Mrs K’s gigantic ass in order to discover new and fantastical species unknown to man.”

Richie had transferred his arm over to Bev now, who he was sharing a cigarette with. “Great job Marsh, got room on your floor for one more?”

Eddie felt his chest tighten. It suddenly dawned on him that he had just assumed Richie would be applying somewhere in California. He’d talked about moving there for years! What if he had been wrong? What if Richie was moving to New York? What if I’m moving 4000 miles away from Richie??

The group laughed and joked about the crappy accommodations they would probably end up living in, but Eddie was distracted by the rock that had just landed in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to ask Richie what he meant by that, but something inside him was paralyzed in fear of the answer.

They left to grab a celebratory pizza on the way home, but Eddie trailed behind, fiddling with the loops on his shorts.

- End of Chapter One -

Taglist: @richietoaster | @vimra | @wildcardtrip-blog

A/N: Ok so this may end up being longer than three chapters actually... at least 6 maybe. Thoughts? Feedback appreciated! Hope you enjoyed :3

#reddie #reddie au #richie x eddie #eddie x richie #reddie fic

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study-early · 6 years

Text

January 1st 2017 feels like a long time ago, but it still feels odd that a whole year has passed. This year has been a hectic year to say the least. I've not been particularly active on here, but a lot of things have happened, good and bad which I have learnt from, both in my academic and personal life.

1- Keep Looking Forward

This sort of falls into two areas.

When starting my second year of University, I lost focus on why I was actually there. I had applied to university in the interest of learning as much as I could, but had forgotten this over my first year. Others aspirations, career advice and department information, all the events and new things at university had distracted me. It left me de-motivated and in a cycle of feeling like a failure and too much of a failure to do anything about it. I was aiming for everything, not what I wanted.

If you're very busy, sometimes you end up living day to day. There's nothing wrong with this, you need to get through now to get to tomorrow. Any student who has had several deadlines on the same day or experienced final exams knows sometimes you just need to pull through. However you shouldn't forget why you are doing what you are doing now. It's the same for the future. It shouldn’t be like that all the time.

Look ahead, whether that's a month, a year or years away. I had also lost focus on what I actually wanted to do, focusing on what I thought was the right thing to aim for. Aim for what you really want, whether that is related to your studies or not. Keep reminding yourself why you are where you are now and where you want to go.

Write down your goals and what you want

SMART Goals are particularly good- these are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely (Have a deadline)

Review these from time to time, regularly if you can

Look back at what your previous goals were, if you've had it long enough, go back and look at your studyblr a few years ago

Listen to others, but don't compare yourself to them, you do things your own way

2- Your Studies Aren't everything

If there is anything I learnt this year that Studyblrs seem to need to remember is that your studies aren't everything. Celebrate your academic accomplishments, celebrate graduating and celebrate your careers, but don't focus on it too heavily.

A career doesn't need to be all encompassing, you have a life outside of it. You can get gratification outside of it. Remembering this helped me a lot. I'm interested in science and technology, and whilst I know almost nothing about coding, I’ve read a lot about Artificial Intelligence. A lot of talk about AI is about the loss of jobs. When you put all your aspirations on a career, hearing this is pretty discomforting. It was nerve wracking for me, someone with my entire career ahead of me.

Make sure to give yourself time out. There's so much out there now on self-care, but actually give yourself time out. Have things outside of your studies you put effort into and get joy out of. Only you know what this is, it can be totally embarrassing or be 'useless' to your CV but if it improves your life you should pursue it in your spare time.

On this point, friendships and relationships are perfectly good things to work on. In theory, I could work more and get firsts instead of seeing friends or travelling home at weekends. I use the phrase in theory, because in reality I would definitely have a breakdown. Your social life isn't in direct opposition to your grades. Even if it is, it's totally valid to choose your social life. It's about balancing the two, not eradicating one.

If you plan your time, make sure to plan in time for things other than studying

Alternatively, give yourself realistic goals of what you want to achieve in a day, then leave the rest of it free for your interests

Take up a new hobby or something you've always wanted to try

Got a friend you've thought about seeing but haven't? Or someone you want to get to know better? Go for it, message them or meet up with them

3- Get the right amount of rest

Similarly, resting is about balance. You want to keep your stress down but not keep yourself in a state of idleness.

Being busy doesn't necessarily mean you are at your most productive. Resting is not doing nothing. For one, your brain needs sleep to process information, form links and consolidate your memories. Second, taking breaks, even when you're awake provokes a similar process. (x) (x) (There’s plenty of research out there if you’re interested in it)

This year I learnt the importance of rests after I went over a month without going home and ended up in hospital. It's a hard lesson to learn, even then sometimes I would push myself too far. Often, as soon as I gave myself a break, the façade I had been keeping up by being busy would crumble down.

Do a little bit of rest and other things a lot to keep your stress down, but make sure not to be too idle. This summer, I let depression leave me in a state of doing nothing. As soon as I got a job, just working in a café, doing that little bit of work helped me get going. Taking a small step helped me to study for my Autumn exams, as it got me moving.

Keep in mind if it's worth staying up to study more, or if it would be better to sleep

Find a sleep schedule that works for you, aim for 5-7 hours, and closer to 10 if you're a teenager

Naps are good in moderation

Sometimes doing a little bit makes you feel a lot better

Try telling yourself to do 20 minutes of studying, and if you want to keep going, keep going, if not, stop

4- Exercise

I was as sceptical as anyone of the suggestion that exercise was good for managing your stress and especially sceptical when suggesting it to manage depression. However I'm a convert to the idea.

Exercise, and other basic routines, are a base for you to improve your mental health. Anti-depressants, eating regularly, exercising, sleeping enough, all the small pieces of advice you get can seem trivial. They seem especially trivial, when you have relapsed and feel as if they have failed you before, that people tell you these things will make you better when they don't.

I say they're a base, because that's what they are for me at the moment. Recovering from a mental health problem is not inspirational leaps forward, it is constant work, constant discipline and constant failures. It's like taking on an extra job, except that it's all the time and you never get holidays. The aforementioned list has been a base for me to recover, some days I can do these and work through the big things, but other days they are just there to keep me going. If I go to the gym, or if I make dinner, I feel like I've achieved something. Looking after yourself in a little way makes things a bit better, to give strength to improve.

Exercise as beneficial is definitely something I have learnt this year. In the past it has been a negative experience for me, being lonely in school lessons and punishing myself for insecurities in my body. This year I've changed my attitude to exercise, as a tool to improve my mood, to release energy, to refresh my mind, wake me up or tire me out for bed.

It was difficult, to part with my money, to have the courage to go the gym and use the equipment (I’m terrified of falling off the treadmill and the men looking at me in the weight room), but all this made me happier for overcoming my fears. Little struggles and little achievements helped me with the bigger struggles.

Take walks if you haven't got the opportunity to do much, a 30 minute walk isn't actually as time consuming as it sounds

Talking walks in nature, or parks if you're in a city, are really relaxing, at least in my opinion they are Walks are also a good time to meditate or practice calming techniques, especially if you walk to quiet spots

If you're interested in a team sport find out if there's a team you could join, most are pretty open to all levels

The internet is full of things you can do in your house, or with no equipment, more than I could list

5- Sometimes you need to 'Fail'

Perfectionism sucks. Let's be real here. I'm not the only one who takes anything less than what is the best as a failure. Over this year I've learnt to try and ditch this idea.

As you might’ve guessed, it's been a bit of a rough year for me. Expecting myself to be perfect and outstanding at everything is a large part of this. One thing I've learnt, especially in the months after I left hospital, is that sometimes it is better to do something half-assed or badly on time than to do nothing at all. You’ll get a higher mark on an assignment if you hand something okay in than if you don’t hand it in at all.

Similarly, things won’t always go perfectly straight away. You need to practice things and sometimes things don’t work at all unless it’s been a long time. For me this year, I missed out on the societies at university because I expected to make friends straight away and got nervous if I didn’t. Expecting everything to be perfect means you could miss out on good things. If you’re starting University this year, remember this, you may have chosen the wrong place or course, but you also may not be settling in straight away.

This is about mindset. Most of it is learning, something you figure out on your own

Stop putting yourself down, look at what you are good at. Write down what you like about yourself, accept your achievements, think about what others would think of your thoughts

Reframe your view on mistakes. Try to foster a Growth Mindset, look at your mistakes as opportunities to improve

Be realistic about your goals and give yourself goals you can actually achieve

Remember no one is perfect and they all make mistakes, repeat this to yourself.

6- I've given up on hand writing notes

There's not really a lot to say here. It's also something that lots of people have said already on here, Writing out pretty or 'aesthetic notes' isn't everything.

It can help you to study, but don't let the time doing this outweigh the benefits. I largely stopped because it was easier for me to take messy notes in class or on a laptop, then not write the up until before an exam. Also because for several of my subjects, it wasn't mostly memorisation anymore but understanding of concepts. Writing nice notes weren’t helping me understand more, and they weren't useful for my group projects or writing essays.

This isn't to say I don't think it has it uses. I still take notes the way I did during my A Levels for Spanish, but that's more memorisation. Essentially, take notes in the best way for you and what you’re learning, not what people have said is best or what looks best for your blog.

Do whatever form of note taking works for you

Try out different methods of studying and notetaking, to see if you find something that works better for you

There's plenty of software for recording classes, mine was paid for by a government grant, but there are plenty of alternatives

Actually listening in class, instead of taking notes, has always been useful for me in understanding content, or at least taking very brief or messy notes, with shorthand phrases

7- Taking other notes

Whilst I don't carry folders of notes around anymore, I do take a notebook with me everywhere I go now.

It cost me 95p from the University shop, it's not particularly pretty inside or out and I've used it as a coaster quite a few times so it's covered in ring marks. I take it almost everywhere with me. If I'm going somewhere with decent lighting and a chance of sitting around it's coming.

Notebooks are great for keeping all your ideas together in one place. A rough book can be a first point to remember things, before you put them elsewhere. And if you want you could keep some sort of journal or diary.

For me, it's been useful just to work through things at times I usually wouldn't, like on the tube or on a walk. Often your best ideas are at times you're not at your desk working. I've got notes about assignments, blog posts, public lectures I've attended, meetings I've been to and just a general mess of ideas. If writing helps you think, it can be an aid in thinking and planning. Writing out my thoughts and having these all in one book helped me to process and plan this year.

8- Alcohol

When I turned 18 and could legally drink, alcohol went from being something that would make me throw up to something fun and sociable. Too many bad things, embarrassing things, traumatising things, that have happened to me this year have been related to alcohol. Alcohol became a crutch, making social situations unbearable without it, and to me drinking more and more in these situations.

At university, the view of what constitutes a normal amount of drinking is distorted. At least in the UK, people drink a lot. Like a lot. And from what I've seen, people at my university in London don't even drink as much as elsewhere in the country, but it’s still a lot.

The normalisation of binge drinking is dangerous, as it causes so many problems for people but these are not seen as being as problematic as if they were illegal drugs or other forms of self harm. And that's what binge drinking is, a form of self harm. The increased risk of cancer from alcohol use is massively underestimated by the public and I’ve seen first hand the immediate damage to people’s emotional, mental and physical health I’m being fairly dramatic, but it feels like 99% of the time alcohol abuse is treated so casually, it’s disturbing.

One of my biggest study tips for other university students out there would be to drink less. Obviously, not everybody drinks, but at the same time at university it feels like everybody drinks. If you drink, you probably know going out and getting wasted doesn't just take up the time you are doing it, you can lose a whole day of work from being hungover. Do this every week and it adds up. From my experience, going out once a week was below average for freshers.

I'm not going to be judgemental about this. I'm hardly in a position to be, considering I'm not completely sober. But it's something I've sadly not seen on study tips posts before, even though many people first take drugs or drink at university or college. Sorting out any problems you have with drugs, including alcohol, helps a lot in general, not just with your studies.

9- Remember the Good Things

One of the nicest moments I had recently was when I reviewed goals I had set over a year ago on my blog. After having a quite frankly terrible year I expected to have met very few of them. However I had actually met quite a lot of them.

Suddenly I remembered all the effort I had put in during the last year, and actually recognised it. Take a little time to think about what you’ve achieved. When you get praise actually listen. Appreciate yourself and your efforts.

Look back at 2017 honestly but recognise all you have done this year.

Happy New Years!

#study tips #studying tips #studyspo #studyblr #studyspiration #my study #studying #study #university #studyblr community

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ironchefignis-archive-blog · 6 years

Text

For @choiminhovevo, I was your Secret Santa! I hope you enjoy your gift! :) @ignoctsecretsanta.

Title: Twelve Days Of Memories. Rating: Teen (SFW) Warning: None! Summary: Twelve days is all it took to turn Noctis’ life upside down, but not necessarily in a bad way- after all, he had Ignis back, after so long apart.

Find it on AO3!

The Crown City; the star of Lucis. Once home to the King of Kings, built to last with blood and sweat, only to be torn down hundreds of years later by the daemons that once roamed the planet. Rebuilt by the King Of Light's retainers, and by the hands of those the King of Light had befriended throughout his journey to banish the Darkness and daemons, it has stood for hundreds of years more.

Although peace has made the people of Lucis lulled into a lullaby, Sleeping Gods shall awake once more and when they do, history shall join with the present. One can only hope that the people of Lucis shall be ready for what shall come to pass.

* * *

“Rise and shine sleeping beauty!” The blonde teenager laughed as his best friend swatted at him, an unhappy groan falling from his lips as the raven-haired youth rolled over in his bed and buried his head underneath the pillow. “Oh c'mon now! Up and at 'em!” Prompto tugged at the pillow, crowing successfully when Noctis let it go.

“Did you have to do that right in my ear?” the assaulted one grumbled as he sat up. Running a hand through his hair, the squinted as he glanced around the darkened room, hardly able to make out the shape of the other. “Ugh, what time is it?”

“Eleven-thirty,” Prompto answered as he shoved open the dark curtains that blocked out almost all of the light in the bedroom; which prompted another groan from Noctis. “C'mon, dude. Your parents and I gave you long enough to sleep in, we've got things to do today, remember?”

Apparently Noctis didn't, if the bleary and confused look he was giving Prompto said anything.

“The new Assassin's Creed game comes out tod-!” Prompto let out an undignified yelp as the other teenager's bedding was suddenly thrown at him, nearly toppling over from under the weight of the heavy blankets.

“That was today?!”

Prompto shook his head, a resigned look upon his face as Noctis hurried around his bedroom, snatching a clean pair of shorts off of the floor before snagging a shirt from the closet. “You are so lucky you pre-ordered the game. I don't think we'd be getting it otherwise.”

“We still might not, depending on how busy the store it.” Noctis raked his fingers through his hair, trying to make himself more presentable before giving in and snagging a cap from his dresser.

“We're going to the little game store on the far side of town, so it can't be that bad, right?”

Of course, their luck wasn't all that great, and Noctis figured that Prompto should've accepted that by now. The little game store across the Crown City was, of course, extremely busy. Part of Noctis had been expecting it, honestly, with how popular the Assassin's Creed series was, but there had been the small balloon of hope that had been popped the second they saw the line for the game store was around the block.

A few hours had gone by, by the time they got out. Knowing that Prompto's place was closer than his own they decided to crash there for the day, and after sending a text to their parents (Noct's mother and father, and Prompto's dad) Noctis and the blonde made their way down the winding city streets, following the familiar path towards the center of the city.

There in the middle of Insomnia, was the Citadel. The grandness of the building never failed to take their breath away, but whenever Noctis got to close his heart began to trouble him, so the two never got much closer than the street across from the building.

“Y'know, sometimes I still think it's amusing that your family has the same names as the Royal Family,” Prompto said as they passed the Citadel. No longer used as a home for the Royal Family, but still mightily important for the Government, the Citadel was open to most. Only the bedrooms and many of the meeting chambers were off limits to the public.

“You say that every time we pass by here.”

“Well, I still do!”

Giving a quiet hum, the youth peered at his best friend, who was whistling the chocobo theme song as the walked. “You know, you have the same name as the King of Light's best friend, supposedly,” Noctis pointed out as they headed down the next street. It was something he had learned recently in history, and having a different class from Prompto, he didn't know if-

“I know, and that's awesome, right?” Prompto grinned widely, hooking his hands behind his head as they walked, practically skipping as he said, “Well, it's either Prompto to Laetus. It gets lost in the translation, but a name like Noctis isn't hard to forget, Mr. Nightlight.”

Well that answered that question. “Shut it,” Noctis groaned.

Prompto snickered as his best friend glared playfully at him. “I guess everyone can't have as cool as a name as Quicksilver.”

“Don't you mean dorky? You sound like a gun from a video game series. Wasn't there one in that one game, Final Fantasy VII, or something?”

“Mr. Night. Light. And yes, it was Vincent's starter weapon. It's in a lot of the Final Fantasy games, though. Almost as famous as Masamune, I presume. Always a gun- I don't understand your obsession with swords in video games, guns are so much better! Then again, you lose at first-person shooters all the time.” Prompto snickered.

“Touche, and I hate you.”

The other teenager threw his arm around Noctis' shoulders, playfully cooing. “Aww, love you too buddy.”

“No, I hate you.” Noctis lightly nudged Prompto's stomach with his elbow, causing the latter to fall away dramatically, wheezing.

“Nah, man. I know you, know what you really mean to say. After all, we've been friends since we were what, six, seven?”

“Something like that. First grade, at least.” Noctis gave a little nostalgic sigh. “Back when homework wasn't a bitch to do.”

Prompto grimaced his agreement. “Tell me about it. I'm so gonna fail the math quiz on Wednesday.”

“I keep tell you, Prom, just get Gladio to tutor you. Who knows, maybe he'll tutor you in other ways, too.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively at the blonde, who blushed darkly, his freckles standing out like little beacons as he shoved a laughing Noctis.

“No way! Besides, we both know he likes girls and not guys. 'specially not scraggly little guys like me.” And there was that disappointment in his tone Noctis often heard whenever he teased the blonde about his crush on their friend and Prompto denied that Gladiolus would ever like him.

“Yeah, well, then he doesn't know what he's missing out.” Noctis was waiting for the two of them to stop dancing around each other. Whenever the three of them got together it was obvious (to him, anyways) that they looked at each other in obvious attraction, flirted without even knowing it. What annoyed Noctis most was that they both obviously ignored their feelings, with Gladio going out on a date every other week and Prompto whining like a love-sick puppy. “And you don't either. Now, c'mon! The cafe's nearby and I've starved.”

Nestled comfortably between two larger buildings along the side-road near the two was a small little establishment called Sagefire. Owned by a friend of Noctis' family, the two teenagers often find themselves in the little place, sitting in one of the booths eating lunch on the weekends or just stopping by for a drink to-go, Gladiolus occasionally joining them. Something always seemed missing to Noctis, but if Prompto felt it too he never uttered a word.

The bell above Sagefire's door tingled as Prompto pushed it open, Noctis just a step behind. Lunch rush had already passed, telling the two that their time at the game store was longer than anticipated. A faint smile curved Noctis' lips upwards as he noticed that their usual booth in the corner of the shop by the window was unoccupied and made a beeline for it.

“I'll go order. Only fair since you got the game and all. The usual?” Prompto asked once they reached it, barely getting a nod from Noctis before he was hurrying away. Settling himself comfortably in the booth, Noctis slipped his phone out of his pocket, immediately starting up his game of King's Knight. When Prompto joined him minutes later he was in the midst of a dungeon. “Started without me? No fair,” the blonde playfully complained as he slipped into the seat across from him. “Dude, there's a new guy here that I bet is totally your type.”

“Uh huh. You said that about that new guy at the game store the other week. Couldn't have been further off.”

“I'm serious this time! That's why I placed our orders separate, so that you can see him for yourself.” Ah, so Prompto knew him well enough that he wouldn't look up from his phone until they left. Fair enough.

“All right. Now get on, this Level Four is kicking my ass.”

For a while they only spoke when encouraging each other in the next dungeon, hissing out instructions for begging to be healed – more in Prompto's case than Noctis' own.

It wasn't long before, “Prompto.” was called out. Noctis' brows rose in curiosity at hearing the smooth, accented voice. Tenebraen? Now that wasn't an accent you often heard. Of course, Noctis was too drawn into his game to look up, uttering a quiet curse as the nearest enemy shot down his health bar by half.

“And that's me.” He hears the quiet scuffle of Prompto getting out of the booth and making for the counter,

“Highness.” It takes a moment, and another call of “Highness!” for Noctis to realize that the smooth accented man was calling out for him. Immediately the dark-haired youth's lips twisted into a scowl as he turned his displeasure onto Prompto, who did look puzzled.

“Haha, very funny.”

“Wasn't me, dude.” Prompto held his hands out, looking completely serious. He knew how much Noctis hated anyone calling him 'Highness', had for as long as Prompto could remember. “Was probably the bartender or something.”

“With a name as popular as mine you'd think they'd stop getting a kick out of it,” the dark-haired youth grumbled as he stood, purposefully letting his chair scrape loudly against the floor. Scowling as he made his way over to the counter where the bartender had turned around to deal with the next order, unable to see the man's face.

“Hey.” As he reached said counter, Noctis opened his mouth to complain about the stupid nickname and to ask the man not to do it again, the man turned around and the teenager felt his mouth dry. He was hardly older than himself, but the way he carried himself was with a grace of a man who had to be royalty. Even working in a place like this (a nice coffee shop, but not an extremely fancy one) he was dressed to his nines, a nicely pressed white dress shirt and black slacks, dusty brown hair pushed upwards into a pompadour.

Glasses framed his eyes, and that had been exactly what made Noctis freeze; his sapphire gaze meeting with a very familiar set of emerald hues.

“...Ignis?”

He watched as lips curved upwards into a smile, those eyes softening as the man greeted softly, “Hello, Your Highness.”

#Choiminohovevo #Merry Christmas!#IgnoctSecretSanta2017 #:3 #ignis scientia #noctis lucis caelum #prompto argentum #gladiolus amicitia #Ignoct #reincarnation

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