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news4dzhozhar · 5 months

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I've shared clips of Rabbi Beck before but this is a great edit to show to people that throw the lazy BS label of antisemite at people who support Palestine. I wish everyone would listen and get at least some enlightenment about the reasons that the very concept of an Israeli State (and Zionism) contradicts followers of Judaism and the teachings in the Torah. Israeli propaganda counts on people to assume that Zionism & Judaism are interchangeable.

If you'd like to watch the whole conversation it's on YouTube here:

youtube

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nemesisreborn · 29 days

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Who is Dr. Haldane (from the Nemesis queue videos)?

So I've been thinking about Dr. Haldane nonstop all week so here's a quick explanation of who he is!

Dr. Haldane appears in the two queueline videos in the main queue of Nemesis Reborn. He is a genome scientist working for Phalanx, and the grandson of Professor Haldane, the professor of folklore and mythology from the Nemesis comic [1][2].

Professor Haldane (aka Haldane senior [3]) went missing after the news reporter, Heather Carver, brought the talisman to his office [1][2] – presumably in 1994. Dr Haldane (aka Haldane junior [3]) has since always wondered about the disappearance of his grandfather, and decided to become a scientist in order to infiltrate Phalanx to find out exactly what happened [1].

As a Phalanx genome scientist, he and others have been manipulating Nemesis’ DNA, resulting in her becoming stronger, faster, hungrier, and more dangerous[1][4]. Through his work, he has discovered that containment measures are failing, and that Phalanx plans to use Nemesis (and baby Nemeses) for their own military needs [1][4], which, coupled with the disappearance of his grandfather, have led to his distrust of Phalanx.

Dr. Haldane is the whistleblower! All the updates on Nemesis and Phalanx we have received via email since last year are from Haldane Jr himself [3]. This was confirmed by Truth Seekers on site. They also referred to Haldane Jr as “the original Seek The Truther”, in the sense that without the intel he gained and sent out, the Seek the Truth movement would never have become what it currently is.

Sources:

[1] Haldane’s First Message [Queueline Video #1]

[2] Nemesis Comic

[3] Interview with Truth Seekers #2

[4] Haldane’s Second Message [Queueline Video #2]

#alton towers #alton towers lore #nemesis reborn #nemesis lore #dr haldane #haldane jr #professor haldane #haldane sr #phalanx #seek the truth #truth seekers #seek the truthers

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banana-zim · 1 year

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DIB: Disgusting Incel Boy :)

#dib membrane #invader zim #my discovery for today #enjoy #seek the truth #the truth is out there

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gebo4482 · 24 days

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Seek The Truth by Zhang Jing

#seek the truth #zhang jing #art #artist #illustrations #artwork #artstation

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x3k3n0 · 2 months

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Hate that some of my friends still try to act clueless to stuff thats going and still acts like thats just something people shouldn’t care about. Even after trying to tell them whats going in, still just comfortable living in their fantasy land and hates when its disturbed. I then notice that Change will forever be nonexistent to them.

Sad but Good to know

I care yet why should I when you don’t care about yourself.

Yet , love, unfortunately.

#real life #spilled ink #idk how to tag this #pansexual #palestine #free all oppressed peoples #free palestine #itsnotfine #you know what you’re doing #seekguidance #seek the truth #live your truth

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trashyswitch · 11 months

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An Unexpected Roommate

Chapter 23: Guilt, Pain, and Communication

Jamie and Chase have a lengthy argument about what they feel is best for Robbie. Some angry words are said, some pain is felt, and a decision is reached. With Robbie's location now known, the boys decide to try and bring Robbie home.

It has been forever since I uploaded! I did not know that I would go 2 months without uploading this chapter...so, I hope it's worth it. Also, there is a lot of angst, and hurt/comfort in this one. So...read at your own risk. And despite the tears, I hope you enjoy.

Jamie was laying in his bed, mentally preparing himself for Chase’s footsteps to show up at his doorway. He knew he was going to do it. He knew Chase was going to be angry with him because of multiple reasons. But the one thing he knew he would be mad about…was the fact that he failed to tell Chase he had found Robbie. Cause that’s what led to the domino effect of ‘mistakes’ he made yesterday morning. Finding Robbie’s dog, buying Robbie food, and worst of all, his decision to not take the boy home.

Jamie couldn’t even sleep a wink that night because of all the stress. That, and the physical pain coming from his lower throat. The use of his larynx was affecting his throat tremendously. It hurt really bad, and he knew he needed to give it a break. But giving it a break didn’t stop the soreness from setting in. It still set in, and at full force. He wanted to groan in pain. He wanted to rub it till it got better. He was even willing to put ice on his throat to see if it would help. But groaning would’ve made it worse. Rubbing it wouldn’t help anything, and putting ice on it wouldn’t do anything besides make his throat cold.

Jamie closed his eyes in an attempt to try and sleep. But trying to sleep with one ear open is really difficult. And trying to sleep while also under immense stress is even harder. So…It was practically laughable that Jamie was attempting to sleep at this point. But…The man was tired and growing restless. Part of him wanted Chase to arrive as soon as possible so he could get the conversation over with so he can be stress-free. But…the other part of him wanted Chase to not arrive at all. It was a mix of complicated emotions caused by his guilt mixed with his fight or flight response.

Guilt was a complicated thing for anyone. Guilt is usually a feeling people experience when they do something wrong or lie to someone. That’s what kids were taught because it helped them stop lying. But…Guilt happens regardless of whether his choice was out of good intention. People assume others lie because they don’t want to get caught. But some people lie because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. As much as telling the truth is encouraged, telling the truth can create its own level of guilt. People feel guilt from telling the truth all the time because of how the person will react to the truth of the situation. Because let’s face it: Only your parents will thank you for telling the truth. Everyone else 一even your parents一 will get equally as angry at your mistake whether you told them the truth the first time or were found to have lied to them.

That’s just how real life works.

Jamie opened his eyes as he heard footsteps in the hall outside his room. He let out a breath as he readied himself for the confrontation to start. He got up off his bed and walked up to his bedroom door. And as the footsteps got closer, the man created a rule for himself:

No speaking. Only signs.

Jamie opened the door the moment he heard the first two knocks.

Jamie widened his eyes as a hand with a piece of paper slapped against his own face. A cloud of white with little bits of black filled his vision as he heard the words “Read this.” come from Chase’s mouth.

Jamie grunted and removed the letter from his face. Any other time, this act would’ve made him laugh! It was slapstick humor, after all. But…this was not a laughing matter. So he couldn’t laugh, even if he wanted to. Jamie looked at the letter and focused his eyes on the words. Thanks to spending his whole life reading, the man was able to finish a page in under 5 minutes. The man flipped over the letter, and read the last little paragraph:

[I know this letter won’t help much. I know it’s very hard to be separated right now. I miss you all so much. I’m sorry for everything I said and did before I left. But I am not completely alone. I have Bacon with me to hold and cry into when I feel the most lonely. And when I didn’t have Bacon, I had Jamie. Mustache man had found me and gave me my dog back when I was missing it most. He also bought me food and a blanket to keep me warm and full. He understood how I felt even when I couldn’t understand my own feelings. I’m sorry, but I’m not ready to go home yet. But, we can all be thankful to Jamie for the help.

Love,

Robbie]

Jamie lowered the letter and looked at Chase.

“You found him…” Chase said.

Jamie silently gulped.

“And you DIDN’T TELL ME?!” Chase yelled suddenly.

Jamie nodded his head and put the letter down. ‘I only intended to give him his dog.’

“And then you proceeded to BUY HIM FOOD, AND BUY HIM A-A GODDAMN BLANKET?!” Chase yelled.

Jamie frowned slightly. ‘He wasn’t ready to go home.’

Chase blinked, before rubbing his nose. “Oh my god-” Chase stood up. “If a kid said they are NOT READY…to go to SCHOOL, would you let them stay home?!” Chase asked.

Jamie frowned more. ‘You wouldn’t?’

“NO!” Chase dropped his own arms beside himself. “YOU NEED TO TEACH THE KID EARLY ABOUT PUSHING THROUGH! AND DOING IT, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO!” Chase yelled.

Jamie crossed his arms, but let the man listen.

“And- And another question:” Chase walked closer to him and hit Jamie’s chest with the back of his own hand. “Why does the person in this house…with NO PRIOR PARENTING EXPERIENCE…get to decide where Robbie should be sleeping tonight?!” Chase asked.

‘You fail to understand.’ Jamie signed.

“Fail to understand what?! Tell me, oh WiSe PaReNt…What could I PoSsIbLy not be understanding?!” Chase asked.

Jamie silently huffed. ‘What you want and what I want are different.’ He signed.

Chase widened his eyes. “What I want is for him to be safe at home.” Chase told him. “But you…YOU…” Chase pointed to Jamie with a fist below his index finger. “You seriously want Robbie to be sleeping outside tonight?!” Chase asked.

Jamie shook his head. ‘No no no! That’s what Robbie signed to me! Robbie signed the words ‘What you want and what I want are different’. You want him to go home but Robbie wants something different.’ Jamie signed to him.

Chase narrowed his eyes, slightly hurt to hear that Robbie was the person who said that. “What does he want?” Chase asked. ‘To just…I think he wants to have time to think about how to best approach you.’ Jamie told him.

Chase scoffed. “So you’re saying I’m unapproachable?” Chase asked.

‘I prefer the word ‘unpredictable’.’ Jamie told him.

Chase shook his head. “Anybody would be unpredictable if your child was living out on the goddamn street.” Chase said.

Jamie closed his eyes for a moment. ‘The boy knows about rationing.’ Jamie told him.

Chase softened his expression upon seeing those letters get spelled by Jamie’s fingers. “He…he does?” Chase asked.

Jamie nodded his head. ‘And the boy told me roughly what day he had died on.’ Jamie signed. ‘I did some math, and…He died on March 22nd, 2018.’

Chase looked down, visibly saddened by this new information. “...Oh…” Was all Chase could get out.

Jamie walked up and sighed. ‘He was born in 2010…’ Jamie signed.

Chase looked up at Jamie as tears fell down his own face. Chase walked up and wrapped his arms around Jamie, hugging him tightly.

With his mouth close to the man’s ear, Jamie decided to say one more thing. But this time…it was through a soft whisper of his own voice. “Robbie will be turning 13 on June 21st.”

Chase widened his eyes and stared off into the room behind Jamie. “He…He will?”

Jamie nodded his head as tears filled his eyes. “He will be a teenager in 2 months.” Jamie whispered into his ear.

Chase looked down and started to breathe slowly, but rather heavily. He slowly started to hug himself as his breaths grew deeper and a bit faster. Finally, the man collapsed onto his knees and let out long, heartbroken sighs. He breathed in and let out more cries of pain, mixed with excessive exhaustion from having to worry constantly. When Jamie had wrapped his arms around the pain-stricken man, Chase completely fell into his arms. He shoved his face into Jamie’s shoulder and just let himself bawl. He couldn’t believe that the boy was going to be a teenager in 2 months. There was NO WAY! And the kid had been living with them for 4 months by now! Which only meant one thing:

Robbie had been a homeless orphan for more than 4 years. If that doesn’t make a grown man sad, then I don’t know what will.

Jamie was crying as well, but much more quietly…and his throat was hurting quite a bit. But it wasn’t because he was using his voice this time…it was actually due to his strong need to cry. Sometimes when he feels like he has to cry and he’s unintentionally holding it in, he gets this achy pain in his throat and chest. And it never really subsides until he finally lets it out. And as much as he wanted to let it out…he didn’t feel like it was the time or place for it. So…He just let himself cry silently.

Chase eventually let go of Jamie and looked at him. He was grunting and wiping his eyes, struggling to pull himself together. But Jamie shook his head and cupped Chase’s cheeks.

“If you still need to cry…” Jamie whispered before moving Chase’s bangs out of the way. “Then cry.” Jamie finished.

Chase looked at Jamie, his eyes welling up with more tears. “This is the most you’ve ever talked to me.” Chase said.

Jamie bit his lip and let out a breath. “I know…” He said out loud in his croaky, hoarse voice.

Chase widened his eyes and covered his mouth. “You’re…going to a speech pathologist?” Chase asked.

Jamie winced as he felt his throat. ‘Not yet.’ He signed, coughing a bit.

Chase looked at Jamie with newfound worry on his face. “Maybe we should be getting you a referral to a speech pathologist…” Chase told him. “Or at the very least, get Henrik to work with you on your voice.” Chase said. “Because as much as I love that you’re talking…” Chase trailed off slowly as he bit his lip, too afraid to say it.

Jamie shrugged his shoulders. ‘I know. My voice sounds weird.’ Jamie admitted.

Chase gave him a nervous look. “Well…That, and…” Chase cleared his throat. “It looks like you’re in a lot of pain despite only saying a couple words.” Chase told him. “Do you know how much of your voice was removed?” Chase asked.

Jamie sighed and offered Chase a hand. When Chase took it, Jamie walked Chase further into his bedroom. He opened up a closet door in his room, and looked at Chase. He sighed and picked it up, staring at it for only a minute.

“...What is it?” Chase asked, not fully able to see the thing Jamie was holding in his hands.

Jamie turned around and walked up, showing him the jar of water with something in it. Jamie turned the jar a bit to reveal a sticky note with a specific date written on it in cursive.

Chase tilted his head as he read the cursive. “August 25, 1916.” He read. He tilted his head slightly. “What…” Chase looked at Jamie, who was poking his own throat, touching the scar on his throat. Things began to click in Chase’s head as he widened his eyes and pointed at Jamie. “It’s…the day you lost your voice?” Chase asked.

Jamie nodded and put the jar down on his nearby dresser. Chase turned the jar back around and looked at the tiny thing that was floating in it. It looked…really gross, to be honest. It made Chase want to hurl on the spot. But…He could slightly understand what the thing was.

Chase turned to Jamie and held out his hand. “Can…Can I touch it?” Chase asked, pointing to the scar.

Jamie softened his expression and nodded his head, lifting his chin up slightly so Chase had better access. Chase took some time to feel the scar and the larynx. Or, what was left of it. Chase drew a finger over the scar, and felt slightly up to the cage-like cover of the larynx. It was strange, to say the least.

Chase then brought his other hand to his own throat, and felt the same area. He wanted to feel any differences between his normal larynx, and Jamie’s semi-removed larynx. “I…don’t feel much of a difference.” Chase admitted. “Well…despite the hole that’s right about here.” Chase added, gently poking the dip of the thyroid cartilage.

Jamie nodded and pointed to the jar. ‘The missing piece of the cartilage is in there.’ Jamie signed.

Chase nodded and looked closer at the piece of larynx. “How long have you had this jar?” Chase asked.

Jamie froze for a moment. He thought for a moment, and let in a shaky breath. He let out his shaky breath and covered his mouth, before looking at Chase. He closed his eyes and whispered his words to Chase. “Too long.”

Chase widened his eyes and gently brought Jamie into another comfortable hug. He rubbed Jamie’s back while holding the man close, letting Jamie cry if he needed to. Jamie let the tears fall down his own cheeks, as he hid his face within Chase’s upper chest. It felt good to be held and consoled…just feeling loved no matter how much you fucked up.

“Have you ever considered getting Henrik to look at your larynx, and determine what parts you specifically lost?” Chase asked.

Jamie opened his eyes and looked at Chase. ‘No.’ He signed. ‘I’m too scared to even touch the jar half the time…why I still kept it despite how disgusting it is, I still have no idea.’ Jamie admitted with a dry laugh.

Chase smiled and looked at the jar. “Maybe get Henrik to do a biopsy on it…then when he’s done, we can burn it, or throw it away, or something.” Chase offered.

Jamie wheezed and doubled over, laughing. ‘Knowing Henrik, he may want to keep it for medical curiosity.’ Jamie admitted.

Chase widened his eyes upon seeing Jamie sign that. “Wait wait…” Chase grabbed out his phone and typed [local medical museums] into the search bar. Looking at the search results, he couldn’t find anything that would suit Jamie’s ‘medical artifact’.

Jamie shrugged his shoulders and tapped Chase’s hand. ‘We can ask Henrik after he looks at it.’ Jamie told him.

Chase nodded and closed his phone. “For now, we should focus on where Robbie is.” Chase told him.

Jamie nodded. ‘I know where he is.’ Jamie signed to him. ‘He’s in the park we went to back in March.’ Jamie told him.

Chase widened his eyes. “He chose to live in the park?!” Chase asked with pure shock on his face.

Jamie nodded his head. ‘He’s been sleeping there for the last few days.’ Jamie admitted. ‘And he’s been begging for money on the street during the day.’ Jamie added.

Seeing those words signed by Jamie, almost made the man cry all over again. He hated the idea that Robbie was willingly laying in the street, begging for money. But…it also didn’t make sense. If Robbie has been where Jamie said he’s been, then now was it that Robbie was begging on the same main street that Chase and Shawn had been driving up and down on?! How did he miss the boy that easily!? He couldn’t understand it.

“Okay. I’m grabbing Shawn…and all three of us are going to pick up Robbie.” Chase told him.

Jamie let out a small sigh, before smiling a bit. ‘Okay.’ Jamie replied.

“And if the boy refuses to go home…” Chase started. “Then…I’m gonna do all I can to convince him to change his mind.” Chase added.

Jamie let out an exhale through his nose with a smile. Chase always was determined like that…Especially when it came to his family and friends. Jamie walked up with Chase to get Shawn. When Chase told him the news, Shawn practically jumped out of bed, threw on some pants and a shirt, and left his bedroom. The fact that Shawn would actually leap out of bed and skip a painting day to pick up Robbie, said a lot about him: That though Shawn struggled with social anxiety, the man always had his priorities straight…Chase and Robbie (especially Robbie) came before anything else. And it was admirable.

Though both Shawn and Jamie knew it was gonna be difficult to convince Robbie to come home, Jamie sensed that Chase knew what he was doing. He knew Robbie the best out of all of the boys in that household. Though, this fact could both help and hinder Chase in this circumstance. But they’ll just have to see.

Shawn hopped into the driver's seat, while Chase hopped into the passenger side of the car. And while Jamie sat in the back, Shawn adjusted the front view mirror down slightly so he could see and react to Jamie’s signs. Signing the word ‘ready’ from the driver's seat, Jamie looked at the front view mirror with a soft smile as he signed the word ‘thanks’ to Shawn. Shawn put the car into reverse, and turned himself around to look behind the seat.

Jamie gave a small smile to Shawn. ‘Do you know how to get to the park?’ Jamie signed.

Shawn nodded his head. “Yup. It’s that park near the main street.” Shawn replied. “But I will need help remembering which street to turn onto.” Shawn added.

Jamie nodded back. ‘Okay.’ He replied as he watched Shawn put the car into Drive, and start to drive down the road. Jamie had always appreciated the other boys’ contributions to make sure that the man felt included in their conversations. And all the boys had shown Jamie how they could contribute to making Jamie, as well as their own, lives a little bit more manageable.

But no one showed their contributions more often than Chase. Way back in the day, Jamie and Chase had actually taken their time to determine how to talk to each other while living together. Little things like having dimmable lights in the kitchen, asking for Jamie’s opinion as often as possible, and maintaining eye contact with Jamie while he signed, were crucial to help Jamie feel included.

Specifically for the car, they found that fixing the front view mirror so they could read his signs, helped dramatically with the communication gap. In fact, it worked so well that Jamie even admitted he felt better sitting in the back instead of the passenger side. When asked why, Jamie would usually say something along the lines of ‘Turning your head to the left when you’re talking to me, is only going to limit your field of vision as a driver. And lord knows that I don’t want you risking crashing the car just so you can talk to me’.

Overtime, Chase would pass on this extra information to the others as more and more friends met Jamie and moved into the house. Eventually, Chase would also pass these helpful tips and knowledge down to Shawn –who had already met Jamie a couple years prior– and who was also planning to move into the house. And even to this day, Shawn made sure to practice these little tricks often. Just like Chase, Shawn didn’t want Jamie feeling left out because of his ‘disability’. Neither did any of the others in the house.

Jamie kept an eye on the road as they drove down the main street. Jamie signed the name of the street they were looking for, into the mirror for Shawn to see.

“Okay. That’s just a couple more streets down, isn’t it?” Shawn asked.

Chase looked at Shawn. “Parker street? Yeah, it’s 2 more streets down.” Chase replied.

Jamie nodded his head as he lifted up his hand to count down the streets. When Shawn passed the next street, Jamie put his fingers down from 2, to 1. And when he moved closer to the next street, Jamie put his index finger down and pointed at the street to turn right.

When the coast was clear, Shawn turned right onto the road, and prepared himself to parallel park on the street in front of the park. And there, behind a tree, was a figure covered in a big blue blanket while a familiar backpack hung on a branch above him…

#an unexpected roommate #chapter 23 #angst with a hopeful ending #angst and hurt/comfort #developing friendships #orphan child #seek the truth #i'm so sorry

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ionities · 2 years

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The only way of getting somewhere is to leave something behind.

#life #life quotes #lit #real life #true words #life lessons #seek the truth #daily life #truefacts #reading #sacrifice #sad truth #sad reality #reality

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nemesisreborn · 28 days

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youtube

Here's a recording I took of one of the two Dr. Haldane videos in the Nemesis Reborn queue!

I absolutely love how the 1994 comic lore has been integrated into this❤️🖤

Full transcription of the video under the cut:

Hello? Hello? Nothing ever works around here. Got it. Okay. I’m Dr Haldane. You need to listen to me. My granddad was a professor of myth and folklore at the local college, and he taught me everything I know about Nemesis when I was growing up. Ever since that journalist Heather from Alton Star News turned up at his office with the talisman, the Phalanx have had this place in lockdown and my granddad... vanished. There’s something not right about the Phalanx, especially the new CEO John Dalton. Look, I needed to find out what they did to my granddad so I spent years studying science in order to infiltrate the Phalanx facility, working as an undercover genome scientist. I always thought maybe my granddad knew too much, that he was a... a… a threat to their entire… their operation. And believe me when I say… I was right. He did know too much. This whole thing, it’s a cover-up. They’re weaponising Nemesis, their greed for control and narcissism, it’s— it’s gone to their heads! They— they want to use Nemesis for their own military needs, and they haven't been caring for her. And I would know because they’ve had me sedate her, and manipulate her DNA, and she’s been reborn stronger, faster, and more dangerous than ever before. They think they can contain her but they can’t. That research facility, with the lifts, yeah, that’s the hatchery. They want global domination and they’re shipping her eggs out to all their sites around the world, and... and they want to train her offspring and use them for warfare! Strength in control? More like lies FOR control! Look, there’s a reason this area’s called Forbidden Valley! You need to get out of here! Spread the word, and Seek the truth!

#alton towers #alton towers lore #nemesis reborn #nemesis lore #dr haldane #haldane jr #seek the truth #haldane sr #professor haldane #heather carver #man i cant stop thinking about haldane jr #where is he!!! what have they done to him!!!!

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seylennotes · 9 months

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“If someone has an issue with you and they’re telling everyone except you, they don’t have a real issue with you, they just enjoy the attention they get from talking about you.”

“Gossip is called gossip because it’s not always the truth.”

“Gossip reflects the insecurity of those who initiate it.”

“It isn’t what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.”

“Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?”

“Perhaps you haven’t been accused, exactly, but you have struggled with gossip which has made you look bad. These situations can be very powerful since they can set expectations for people you have never met simply because they hear the lie first, and so can form an opinion about you before you have had the chance to show them your true self.”

“Feel free to tell everyone that I’m the monster in your story. But please don’t forget to mention, in which chapter you created me.”

“People who love themselves, don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.”

“A lot of problems in the world would be solved if we talked to each other instead of about each other.”

#gossip #seek the truth #be kind #quote

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mysimpleservant · 10 months

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Revelation 20:1-3

1000 years of chains

Then I saw an angel coming down from heaven, having the key to the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. He laid hold of the dragon, that serpent of old, who is the Devil and Satan, and bound him for a thousand years; and he cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal on him, so that he should deceive the nations no more till the thousand years were finished. But after these things he must be released for a little while.

It takes one strong angel to bring down another angel. Satan is just a cherubim who plays god and his time is temporal. For some "christians" comparing Jesus who is God to satan , they need to repent for blasphemous claims. Don't make mistake about this ,that lack of knowledge will bring destruction

#false #church #repentance #judment #devil #sin #blasphemy #satan #revelations #seek the truth #god #jesus #truth #motivation #god’s truth #faith #strength #thank god #insperation #love

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inkskinned · 2 months

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before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.