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jakeyt · 5 months

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Covet: Chapter 8 (Part 2.3 of 2)

PART 2 OF PART 2

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!Reader

Covet Summary:

Life was good. No, life was great.

Was.

Until.

Jake Kiszka crashed into the picture.

You welcomed him into your life—your home.

Yes, he was your best friend’s twin. But, he was also the one who would end up disrupting your whole world with his attitude, his troubles, and the annoyingly natural way he lured you in.

Jake Kiszka came with so much you really didn’t want.

At least that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

Warnings: MINORS DNI (18+); smut (!!); angst; unprotected sex (p in v); jealousy; negative self-talk; negative body talk concerning body changes; talks of pregnancy; contemplation of terminating pregnancy; argument (includes: manipulation, misunderstanding, lying); masturbation (f! receiving); anxiety; stress; extreme feelings of sadness; abandonment issues; substance use (alcohol) (as usual, PLEASE lmk if i missed anything that is triggering to you!)

Chapter Word Count: 19.9k+

a/n: here it issss…. here’s the big thing: you’re going to be pissed w y/n a time or two & you’re just going to have to remember she’s sooo fucking stubborn. 🫠 (poor Jake) her healing journey starts sooner than you may think, though… 🖤

hopefully after you've read this part, you'll realize why i've included the bolded dates (i think most of you already knew what was coming though... lol). as the author, i believed the big event in this chapter required a timeline for you, as the reader, to keep track of order of events... makes things wrap together in a nice bow haha

@joshym, @alwaysonthemend, + @welightthefire, you three are so special to me and this story flourishes bc of your never ending support as i write. love u so much <3

Please enjoy the playlist as you read 🖤

enjoy!

-🌼🌼🌼-

August 27, 2022

The golden morning light was nearly blinding. You shielded your face in the arm of the body beneath you. It was almost too much. . . The warm body underneath you was almost too much.

You remembered having sex with him, talking to him. . . but the details were fuzzy. . . your body felt so relaxed. . . There was so much you couldn’t recollect, but at that moment, it wasn’t a concern. Because Jake was with you and it wouldn’t be this way for much longer. You wanted to relish in this.

Everything that had been swirling in your mind for days was still very real. . . and you knew the list of reasons this was a bad idea were endless. You wished there wasn’t a list of reasons that haunted you– the old and the new. But there was a list and at this point, the reasons were mocking you for being where you were at this moment.

Curled up in Jake, your round ass pushing against his thick cock, already hard. The heat that radiated from him, combined with the feeling of his body pressed against yours, made you sticky with sweat. Your body was on fire. But you didn’t want to leave him. You couldn’t leave him. This feeling, him. . . so safe and cozy.

This was a feeling you wanted to sink into. You blinked a few more times into the open air of your bedroom, seeing the dust particles floating in the rays of yellow sunlight flooding your room.

As much as you didn’t want to leave Jake’s body, you knew you had to start the day at some point. You tried to sit up. But you instantly regretted it. Your head felt fuzzy. Fuck.

Things were foggy as hell. This was always how you reacted to weed. One reason why you rarely smoked it. But you’d needed to last night. Needed that time, feeling free and loose. . . with Jake. Before your time with him came to its inevitable end.

Like it had become your daily routine, you started becoming consumed by several all-encompassing, nagging emotions. You hated how fucking complete you felt in his arms, in bed with him. . . but all it had taken were a few seconds passing before you started feeling the familiar, anxious spinning in your stomach. Turmoil.

Josh’s words from outside your bedroom, bouncing around in your head. The rules that you’d set in place for a reason– to protect you both (though, they hadn’t worked on your end). The image of Maya, so beautiful and attentive . . . Dammit. The way your heart sunk in your chest, the sadness rushing through you, made a mess of emotions in the pit of your stomach.

And you knew that was your body’s way of signaling to you that it was time. Time to end things.

No matter how much your heart lurched at the thought. Your eyes filled with unshed tears, dreading it.

But your body was persistent in communicating to you that it was the right move. To let him go.

You rejected it for just a small moment to turn and give him a kiss on the lips, your bare chest meeting his, which rose and fell underneath you.

Then you remembered–. The guys. In the living room. Shit.

You pulled away to pat his chest, trying to get him to come to. And he did, with one deep breath through his nose, blinking at you with sleepy eyes. He squinted, the sun in his eyes. You loved the way the light turned his eyes to dark honey. . .

Now is not the time, y/n.

As soon as you knew he was awake, you were scrambling out of bed, finding a big t-shirt in your dresser and putting it on. Then you bent over, searching your underwear drawer for a new pair that wasn’t a fucking thong. . . you had too many thongs.

“That ass,” he said, voice gruff and low from sleep. “Damn, baby.”

You instantly felt wetness gather at your folds. Not. Now.

Last night was the last time. And it was going to stay that way.

Underwear, underwear, under– yes!

Finding a pair of black panties, you slipped them on hastily before yanking on a pair of pajama shorts that were laying on the ground. As you wrapped your hair up into a quick ponytail, at your vanity, you made the mistake of looking in the mirror. The bed perfectly placed in the mirror’s path, and a sight from the bed made your breath catch in your throat.

Jake, in your bed, his long hair, still messy from sleep and sex. . . his deeply set, tired eyes. . . tanned skin, the perfect shade of brown after hours spent in the summer sun. The sight reflecting back at you was making your heart race. You caught your breath, taking in a sharp breath. The elbow, holding him up, while the other worked under the sheets. . . his eyes lust-filled and appreciating your exposed thighs. Fuck.

So, abandoning your hair, you decided to not ignore the need that thrummed between your thighs, making your heart beat wildly in your chest. When he was laying there looking like that, you couldn’t refuse. His defined pecs and fit biceps flexed with each pump of his fist. Your building arousal was already ruining your new pair of panties. Best to not dirty another pair, right?

Your legs walked on their own over to the bed while you stripped yourself of the clothes you’d just put on. He sat up, as your eyes surely told him of what you wanted. And in no time, you were on top of him, as he deliciously stretched you, opening you up for him. He held your ass for a moment, aiding you in your movements. His lips found your nipples, hardened and begging for his attention.

As he lifted his hips to start a rhythm inside of you, the pressure was just right, and his tip was massaging you exactly where you needed him. With every hard rock of his hips, you were pushing down against his thrusts. Languid, lazy sounds sighed from your mouth. . . The friction was heavenly. Both of you, relentless with your unsteady tempo of vigorous need– back and forth, back and forth.

He sensed it coming before you did, as you were too distracted by his handsome face. His mouth, opening in the slightest any time your walls clenched around him. Brows dipped in with deep concentration, balancing his view from where your bodies connected, and then back to your eyes. He reached between you, a skilled thumb making tight circles against your sensitive, swollen clit. And, much too soon, you were coming undone, the familiar burn in your belly, your body buzzing and walls fluttering around him at a rapid speed. You threw your head back, riding it out. You never wanted it to end. He felt so fucking good inside of you– filling you all the way up.

With one hand on your breast, and another on your hip, he used that as leverage to pull out of you. And, without thinking much of it, you got on all fours, knees digging into the mattress, wanting to bare your ass to him. You heard him let out a shaky breath, before he was following, raising to his knees. As soon as he was where he needed to be, he released, warm on your back. He gripped your ass with a strong hand, the flesh putty in his hands as you pushed back against him, your ass meeting his thighs.

More, more, more, more, mor–

And, without any stimulation, save for the feeling of him still spilling onto your back and his tight hold on your ass, you were finishing again, your body shaking, pussy clenching around nothing. Your arms almost gave out where they held you up. You tried to keep your whining quiet, remembering why you had been worried about your predicament before.

“Holy fucking shit,” he moaned, his tone throaty. “Did you just–? Again?”

“Y-yeah,” you sighed, feeling completely refreshed, your body still wracking from the effects of your orgasm. And finally, you let your arms give out. But before you could reach the mattress, he was pulling you back to him, sitting you on his lap again as he gave you a full kiss on the mouth, his tongue pushing through your lips.

You reciprocated, tangling your tongue with his, the sound of wet kisses encapsulated your room. The apartment was so quiet–silent, even–save for the sounds of your sighs. The world was nearly drowned out. The only thing that existed was Jake, the taste of his sweet mouth, and the feeling of his lips melding to yours.

But you broke from the escape, the silence of the apartment getting pierced by the telling signs of someone yawning loudly in the living room. You were up without even thinking about it. You hurriedly re-dressed, and before you opened the door, you glanced back at him.

“You were never in here,” you hushed, before shutting the door to go into the living room.

Thankfully, Sammy and Danny were still asleep. But your eyes found Josh, who was rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.

“What time is it?” He grumbled. And as he closed his eyes with another yawn, you saw movement from the corner of your eye. You peeked from Josh to see Jake, dressed again, silently shutting your door and heading to his own bedroom.

As much as you wanted to go to him, you looked at the glowing green time on the oven. Your eyes bugged at the hour, and you rushed to check your schedule on the fridge.

Shit. While your mind was already tumbling with reasons to call it quits, you just added one more to the list. Until Jake, you’d never been so forgetful of your work schedule. But as of right now, your mind was way too preoccupied with him. You winced at the idea of becoming that forgetful with school. You had to be more responsible.

You had less than thirty minutes before you had to be walking into the Black and Gold.

“Y/n?” Josh called, still slowly coming to.

“It’s one in the afternoon,” you rushed out, practically sprinting to the bathroom, from where you finished your statement. “I’m gonna be late for fucking work.”

-🌼🌼🌼-

You’d been correct– ending up at the B&G ten minutes late. That had never happened before in the history of you working at the shop. It pissed you off to no end that you had let yourself be so irresponsible.

You spent your entire shift thinking of all the things you’d let take precedence in your life above your job and your school. . . In recent days, you’d spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking of Jake to the point of being stressed enough that he’d noticed, told his brother. . . which resulted in a night of getting high to rid yourself of the nerves. You’d let yourself partake in it even when you knew it made you so incredibly fuzzy. On a night where you worked the next day.

Then, there was the sex that had happened last night, this morning. . . making you lose track of time. There was one common denominator. He’d become too important. A distraction. And you feared being the same to him. You’d had your fun and now it was time to give it up.

You fucking hated the idea of having to do it– made tears moisten your eyes. But you would be okay. And Jake would definitely be okay. You weren’t to him what he was to you. (Why that felt wrong to think, you didn’t know. . .) He had a woman to lean back on, if he wanted one. A woman much more fit for him than you could ever be.

And, chances were, he was bound to leave what you had for her eventually, so you felt it best to end things now before he could. It would hurt you less to take the initiative now. You didn’t want to risk the pain that would come with him fully rejecting you for another. The idea of Jake leaving you high and dry like your mother had sounded horrible. And you did not want to experience it.

By the time you were turning off the lights and locking the doors to the store, you’d made up your mind. Tomorrow. You were going to rip the damn bandaid off. There were too many reasons indicating you needed to. Before it was too late.

-🌼🌼🌼-

August 28, 2022

He would be home any minute. Your leg was bouncing with pent up nerves that wouldn’t be released until you said what you needed to. Your palms were sweaty, making you need to repeatedly wipe them on the worn denim of your jeans. And anytime you’d wipe them off, you’d grab your phone off the counter, checking it unnecessarily. Because even after you’d wipe them, they’d still shake with nervous jitters, and you needed something to do with them.

The sound of the key unlocking the door made your stomach twist. Suddenly, you were questioning yourself. Questioning what you’d been planning on doing.

I’m not ready. I don’t want to do this. It can wait. It’s not time. I don’t want this.

But it was necessary.

And plenty of those thoughts had become too insistent for you to ignore. Even as you watched him set his guitar and amp down in the living room, through the opening of the kitchen. You were longing to ask him about his day. Or ask him to watch a tv show or movie with you. Tease him and make him follow you to bed. . .

But in spite of all of that, you knew what was right.

Don’t be selfish, y/n. You know what is best for him. For you. For both of you. Don’t you dare chicken out. Continuing this cycle of selfishness will end badly. You know it. Stick to the plan.

So, when he finally walked into the kitchen to cross off his day of work on his fridge calendar, humming what you assumed to be a new song. . .you decided to not waste time. It would hurt less.

Rip the bandaid clean off.

You cleared your throat before speaking, leaning even further into the kitchen counter. You wanted to sink into it. Hide. “Hey.”

He jumped, holding his chest. “You’ve gotta stop scaring me like that,” he laughed, crossing the day off his rehearsal schedule.

Then, when he looked over his shoulder at you, you almost lost your motivation.

Those eyes. . .

But you persisted. For you. For him.

“We need to talk,” you said, the words feeling thick in your throat.

And when he turned to face you fully, his brows were scrunched with confusion and concern.

“You okay?” He inquired. “I wondered why you didn’t talk to me when you got home from work last night. Is something happening at the Black and G–?”

Rip. It. Off.

“We’re done,” you stated. You suddenly felt completely frozen, time beginning to move around you much faster than you could keep up with. The words were trapped in the air with you, hanging there.

He just stared at you, eyes round and questioning. He blinked a couple times, his lips on the verge of a smirk, but ultimately staying in a straight line, as if not sure how to react. “What?”

Keep going.

“We’re done,” you repeated, the words coming out a little easier the second time. “I’m calling it quits. I can’t do this anymore.”

He took a couple steps towards you, then took them back. He turned, looking at the kitchen cabinets as a hand held his chin. He used one finger to scratch at a brow.

Still looking away, he spoke again. “Why?”

You felt the heartache begin again, not wanting to do what you knew you had to. Prior to this, you’d decided anytime you felt the sorrow creep up, you would replace it with anger. Fight the weak emotion with a stronger one. You’d bury the sad, and use anger instead. It would help you and him in the long run. It would.

“I hate when you fucking ask that,” you snapped, your head feeling heavy and the words wrong.

His brown eyes got big, shocked. “Where is this coming from?”

“I told you, Jake,” you said, clearing your throat to eliminate the tears. You want this. “I told you that night at the bowling alley. I said if one of us wanted to end this, the other one has to be okay with it, without any questions asked. That was a rule,” you reiterated, standing firm on the words you’d stupidly spoken in the past. They were your shaky wall of defense in this situation, where you felt defenseless against yourself. “And right now, I don’t want to answer questions. I just want to say it’s over and you be okay with it.”

He scoffed, scratching his cheek before running the hand through his hair. He leaned against the counter closest to him, across the kitchen from you. Come closer. Please.

But he didn’t. He just crossed his arms and pierced you with his dark eyes.

“That’s not how normal people do things, y/n,” he clarified, like he was talking to a child.

You didn’t have to fake anger in response to that. Don’t tell me things like I’m an idiot.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” You fumed, your coolness fading quickly.

“Goddamn, y/n,” he swallowed hard and looked out the little window above your head, right above the lavender. “Stop acting so fuckin’ obtuse. You know exactly what I mean.”

“Yeah, that’s why I asked,” you griped sardonically, silently begging him to look at you as your eyes followed him. “Because I speak fucking asshole I knew what you meant by that. You’re right.”

He brought a hand up to his face, covering his eyes before letting it run down to rest at his chin. He was losing his patience. This should be good. Why didn’t it feel that way? This was what you wanted. He let his eyes rest on his feet, refusing to acknowledge your stare.

“I’m still trying to figure out where this is coming from,” he said, reiterating his prior question. “Yesterday morning, everything was normal. We were fine. How were you able to just turn all of that off?”

You were at a loss. How in depth were you supposed to go with him? Should you be honest? Or should you lie? Cover up the truth with blanket statements and lies? You weren’t sure. . .

So you just started talking. And a lie came out first.

“I had a quiz this past Friday and I failed it,” you said, the untrue words feeling dirty coming out of your mouth. Trying to cover up the lie with a truth, you continued. “I keep getting distracted and it’s never been like this for me before. Since my first day of Freshman year at Pratt, I’ve never failed a quiz.” And I still haven’t, you finished silently, guiltily. “I just know that the reason I’m so distracted is because of this,” you motioned between the two of you, even though he was still looking at the ground. “Because of us. It’s not healthy.”

He finally brought his gaze up from the floor, interlocking it with yours. And if you thought the guilt from lying was bad before, it was even worse as you looked into his eyes.

“How is the relationship we have not healthy?” He asked, truly wondering.

Relationship.

You decided to be as honest as possible to keep your guilty conscience at bay.

“For one, it’s distracting me from classes. And two, it’s not a relationship. It’s been a rule since the beginning–the number one rule, actually– and I made it a rule because I knew I couldn’t handle a relationship right now.” All of that was mostly honest. Doing great. “I have other things I need to be focusing on right now. . .dedicating my time to. And from the beginning, this has only been sex,” okay, that was a lie. “And I wanted it to be that way so when the time came for me to cut it off, it would be easier. I made it that way on purpose.”

The way he was watching you with rapt attention, actually hearing you out, it made your heart jump into your throat. I don’t want to be doing this right now. I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose him.

Don’t be selfish, y/n, your brutally honest inner voice combated you.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” He asked, his voice indicating he was eager to assist you however you may need.

Keep going.

You swallowed the tears, your voice low with the tears that vanished. “Yes, you can help me by not challenging this right now.”

He breathed in deeply, his jaw clenching. “It’s not that easy for me.”

“It has to be.”

This isn’t easy for me either.

“See, it’s always been like this with you,” he started, leaning a shoulder against the fridge, his face turning harder than before. “You think you can just control everything and everyone around you. But you can't, that's not how life works. There are other people in your life with real emotions–real feelings–that you don’t get to dictate.”

You felt utterly singled out, and it made your blood turn to fire in your veins.

Who is he to say all of this?

“Why do you want to put up with me when you view me so horribly anyways?” You spit out, your eyes growing wet in spite of yourself.

He saw the tears in your eyes, and on instinct, started walking towards you, his entire face softening in response. But you put up a hand to stop him, your rigid expression and body communicating for you.

“I don’t view you horribly,” he said, tone sincere. He sighed, stopping at the island between you, resting his hands stop it. “You know that.”

You watched the way his hands held so tightly to the counter. He was like his brother in a few ways, you’d come to notice. One of which being how passionate he could become when talking about something that meant a lot to him. And at this moment, you saw how deeply he felt for what he was saying. His entire body exuded his emotions— when he let them show. . .

And, for the past couple of months, you’d been lucky enough to witness him bringing those walls down. Especially during the past month of sleeping with him, growing intimate with him. . . In this moment, you despised the fact that you were so freely giving that up. You selfishly wanted to keep all of those pieces of him.

Frames of time fluttered through your mind, showing how he would watch you, so affectionately. You heard words that had been spoken, so caring and genuine. . .How patient he’d been so many times. . .

But, just now when he’d called you out on your control issues? Had he thought that all along? Had he felt animosity towards the way you liked control? Or, on the other side of the coin, had he only been pitying you all along? Putting up with you? Had he just started caring about you because he felt like he had to? You were the one who had pushed this thing between the two of you in the first place. . . maybe he hadn’t wanted it as badly as you. Maybe he’d just given in, and ended up sticking around for it because he felt bad for you and got free sex on his end.

He’d left the comfort of Maya for the chaos of you. You were sure he’d do it again if you gave him long enough. . . Because all you’d done was add trouble to his life with the way you naturally were. The obnoxious, broken, damaged person you were. Your baggage was heavy and you knew it was due time before it weighed him completely down.

“Well I’m sorry I’m such an inconvenience,” you fought back, guarded tears growing thicker in your eyes. You couldn’t will them away this time. “You’ve said what you wanted to say; it’s off your chest. So just let yourself be done with me,” you bitterly insisted. “Take a fucking breather from the ravaging storm that is me.”

“I never–,” he shook his head, looking away. A sharp breath had his lip curling as his hands went to comb through his hair. His eyes were wet when you saw them next. Fuck. Please don’t cry, baby. “That’s not what I fucking mean and you know it! Why are you always assuming the worst about me? Always.”

“I don’t!” You argued, not believing your words for a second. You knew he was right. The tears, still resting at your ducts, started trickling down your cheeks. “I just– I know I have shit wrong with me. I know I’m the most controlling fucking person. I know that. But I’ve been through too fucking much to believe that you could actually want me. You shouldn’t want me, Jake! I’m–,” you started, choking on a sob. “I don’t even–. . .” You went to meet him across the island, putting your forearms on the counter as you rested your head between them. You let the tears win, letting them flow easily. Relentless trails of mascara on your cheeks and the arms you were crying into, you were sure.

When you looked up to see him again, he was no longer standing there.

See, Jake? You don’t want to stay. Why would you? Leave while you can. But why do I feel like I need you to stay? How did it come to this?

Just as you were turning to look out the window to contemplate, he was back in the kitchen, a wet washcloth held in his hand.

Stop taking care of me. You’re better than this.

But before you could argue with him, he was coming around the island to meet you, touching the warm cloth to your dampened cheek. And, like the selfish person you were, you let him clean your cheeks of the blackened tracks.

You stopped him, midway through him tending to the left side of your face, grabbing the cloth from him. “I can take it from here,” you muttered pitifully. “Please stop doing this.”

He relented, giving the cloth and standing across from you. His eyes watched you conscientiously as you finished cleaning your face. You set the cloth down on the counter.

His brows were knitted when he spoke next. “Stop doing what?”

You choked on a dry sob. “Helping me,” you responded resolutely. And when it looked like he was about to fight you on it, you chose to bring out the knives and lies again. Don’t break, y/n. With your next words, you looked away from him. At your feet instead. Freshly painted, black toenails matching your heart.“I don’t want you to.”

You had to lie. You had to protect him and his future from you. He had to get rid of you to do what was best for himself. But when you peered up at him through your wet lashes again, you questioned your methods. A tear slipped down his cheek, and he quickly sniffed, bringing a hand to his face to get rid of the exposure of emotion.

He turned to look straight ahead, away from you. He looked up at the ceiling, putting his flexing hands in his front pockets.

When he looked at you next, his eyes were still wet, but there was a fire behind them. God, you fucking hated this. “Is that what you truly want? All of this? Gone? Over? You don’t want any of what we’ve had?”

You couldn’t stand seeing him like this. This needed to be over. Your heart couldn’t handle much more of this.

“I don’t want you,” you said, bile rising in your throat. Fucking liar. “I never wanted you as badly as I let on. I just wanted sex and you were an easy target because you live with me. Available whenever I needed you.” Your throat constricted, heart racing. You didn’t look away from him, pinning him with your eyes, trying your best to void them of any emotion. “And I don’t need you anymore,” you said, the words tight and constricting your opposing heart. “You’ve served your purpose.”

His lips curl into a shaky smile, mirroring shock and disbelief. Brown eyes, pooling with tears despite how hard set they are. “So you don’t love me?”

Love him? What?

And then it was rushing back.

Your mind, foggy and heart, completely transparent.

What you’d admitted to yourself and him in the hallway outside your room.

Had he said it back? The details were fading from your memory, blurry at best. You couldn’t remember.

Had you said it in response to him or just to expose yourself to him?

Did you love him? Truly?

You closed your eyes, needing to find a level ground as you felt completely shaky and unbalanced. How had you been so careless with your words?

What did you feel?

You know exactly how you feel, a calm, careful voice settled in your ear. You don’t have to deny it.

Yes, I do. If I do love him, I have to deny it. It’s what’s best for him.

“When did I say that?” You asked, avoiding it to start.

His eyes cleared, opening up as if he were getting somewhere with you.

You’re a coward, y/n.

“The other night,” he clarified, sniffling again. “When the guys were here.”

I know.

“I don’t remember saying it,” you stated, firm. “So, maybe I did,” you said, his eyes still hopeful. “But if I was high when I said it, there was no validity behind it. I wasn’t me. My head was in the clouds.” His jaw set, lips a hard line. Tense. “So it’s not fucking true. That’s something that someone would remember saying if they actually meant it. And I don’t.”

This was all a giant fucking mess. Why did it have to be like this?

He only stared at you, his nostrils flaring. His eyes were narrowed. His thoughts, most likely spinning. He just didn’t articulate any of the thoughts you knew to be buzzing in his head. He closed his eyes, pushing his thumb and pointer finger against his eyelids. When he opened them, the blank look on his features was worse than any anger he’d ever emitted.

The emotion was drained from him. Though, his hands were shaking as he untucked them into his front pockets.

“Okay,” he responded, his tone matching his empty expression. He took a deep breath and went to turn around to leave the kitchen, messing with his hair.

One of his nervous ticks, you thought, morosely.

But. . . You weren’t done. This couldn’t be it.

You suddenly didn’t want this conversation to be over. We aren’t done yet. There was no closure for me. No agreement on his end.

You’d made the terrible realization that once this talk was over, you two were over. Ripping the bandaid off didn’t seem so attractive anymore. It was stupid, but you were already missing him as you watched him walk away. The sight of him leaving made even more tears accumulate in your eyes. You knew he wasn’t done— and neither were you.

You snapped. “Jacob!”

Saying his name stopped him right before he could exit the kitchen.

His shoulders tensed as he turned slowly, facing you. His expressionless face now took on all of the emotion you knew he wanted to feel.

That’s it, you thought, challenging the man in front of you. Keep up with me.

“What the fuck do you want from me?” He snapped, patience completely gone.

The line was being drawn. And as invisible as it was, you could still swear you saw it being drawn in the space between you and where he stood.

“I want you to say that this is fucking over,” you fumed, your voice raising.

He laughed hotly, rolling his eyes. He rubbed his chin, contemplating his next words. “I don’t want it to be fucking over. I want you to stop whatever game you’re playing. I know you and I know this is coming from somewhere deep in the roots of your trauma.”

“Don’t you dare use my trauma against me, fucker!” You roared, your skin red hot.

He pointed a finger at you, accusing. “I am not using it against you! I’m trying to get you to snap out of this!”

“Snap out of what?!” You sneered back. You crossed your arms to hide the fact that you were shaking. “Finally being honest with you?!” You paused, a part of your heart break open of its own accord. “You were just going to fucking leave me anyway. This wasn’t meant to last. It never was.”

“Leave you?! That’s the last thing I want. I don’t want to leave you,” he begged you to understand.

Your heart pressed firmly to your chest with how hard it was pounding. “My own fucking mom did it, Jake! So what in the hell would stop you from doing it, too?” You blinked away the tears that came with the way you were hurting yourself with these words.

He brought two fisted hands to his eyes, his body stock still, but chest heaving as he let the words sit in the air around you.

The words hanging in the air were mocking you, though, and you needed to hear him speak to clear their torment.

“Ja—.”

“Do not let your trauma dictate who you choose to think I am. Don’t use it as a way to tell me who I am. I’m not your mom. I’m not the people who have left you,” he breathed deeply, finally showing you his eyes. They were red. And as he ferociously wiped at his cheeks yet again, you noticed why they were bloodshot. When had he started crying? His hands flattened next to him with his next words, spread out and making a point. “Stop acting like I’m someone I’m not when I’ve proven that wrong time and again by being there for you.”

Your heart swelled in your chest, wanting nothing more than to cross the room and kiss him. Let him know how much you needed him and how the words you’d spoken in the hallway were true.

But what’s best for him? His career? Remember how Josh said he didn’t need this right now? And neither do you.

“Well, I don’t want it,” you repeated your lie. “Accept that.”

Within seconds, his eyes shifted from sad and pleading to. . . Vacant. Right in front of your eyes, you witnessed how it felt to return back to square one with him.

And you couldn’t remember the last time you felt so fucking terrible.

“I accept it,” he relented, tone empty of any feeling. Come back to me. “We’re done.”

The way your heart fell all the way to your feet— how your knees felt as though they would buckle under the heavy weight of emotion— made you regret every single thing you’d said.

At that moment, you wanted to take it all back. But it was too late.

The man you saw in front of you wasn’t your Jake.

The man you saw was the one who’d entered your apartment on that destined day in May. Before you could even think to say anything to cut through the heaviness penetrating the room, he was gone.

And you were giving into the way your knees begged to let you fall and you did, back against the opposite side of the island so he couldn’t see you. The tears fell, silent and unrelenting, as you heard the front door open and harshly close. Signaling the end you didn’t want, whatsoever.

-🌼🌼🌼-

October 2, 2022

A little over one month later. . .

You woke up slowly, not wanting to face the day.

Life was stressful and weird right now, and every time your eyes blinked open to face a new morning, you dreaded what the day might come with.

Thankfully today, you had a distraction from the sadness of life. You were meeting with Theo across town at a coffee shop to study for an upcoming exam in one of your more studious courses.

When you’d created your course schedule for this semester, you’d loaded yourself down with 12 credits in required courses, and 4 credits in electives. You’d thought it to be a good idea: make your senior year count with a giant ass course load. Next semester was outlined as well. . . With 16 credits of its own.

But, it was not the best idea.

It was causing waves upon waves of stress that you really didn’t need. You were grateful for how it helped (a little) in distracting you from your sorrow after losing what you had with Jake. . . But it made you dread going to school even more than you already did. You weren’t able to catch your breath. You’d never dreaded school until recently. You were going to school for writing when you still found yourself lacking a passion for it. The only thing that you looked forward to were the few music courses you had to take for your minor.

The giant course load, the long hours at the B&G now that Josh only worked one day a week, Jake’s presence, Jake’s lack of presence.

Your group of people had become extremely absent due to constantly working in the recording studio. Yes, recording studio. You were beyond proud and completely happy for them. . . but you’d hardly seen any of them for the past month. Even the one who lived with you. . . And the one thing you still had after you broke things off with Jake was at least having the opportunity to look at him every now and then.

And, although you wouldn’t speak it out loud, you were so very glad that neither of you had brought up the prospect of him moving out amidst that terrible conversation in the kitchen. All you had left with him was the occasional glance (you to him, of course; he never looked at you anymore).

Humiliating as it was, you hated the idea of him moving out. Even though you knew it would be coming sooner rather than later with his career picking up. But, even though he still lived with you, your schedules never aligned for you to see him much. The guys were recording artists now. They’d spent all of September, working with their manager as they accepted a record deal and started the process of recording music.

It was truly what all of their dreams were made of, and it was what you wanted Jake to have all along. . . But you selfishly missed seeing him. You were excited for him with what the future might bring, but you were also dreading his complete and utter lack of presence in your life. . . The thoughts of it all were draining you.

All of the stress over that and school, had even started causing you to have a super upset stomach— you were vomiting every day from all that weighed on your mind – the jumbled mess your life had become. So, that’s why you’d made the executive decision to create some sort of schedule of things to distract you. You cleaned every Saturday evening, you met with Theo every Sunday, you jogged every morning like you used to (especially since you’d started fucking stress eating). . .

You’d even taken time to try and healthily write thoughts in your journal, rather than keeping them all in your messy head. Although, all they did was translate as a depressing, convoluted mess on the pages.

But none of your coping strategies were truly what you wanted. What you were craving most was the person you’d pushed out of your life. The person who was now gone more than he was home. And when he was home, and you were able to catch a glimpse of him, all it did was hurt to look at him. Things were tense; you couldn’t even talk to him the way you wanted. It just hurt to be near him at all. But you wanted him. You just wanted him in ways you knew you couldn’t have him. Especially after you’d been the one to break things off.

You were upset that you’d gotten into anything with him in the first place. You knew it wasn’t meant to last, but you’d still let yourself get caught up in him. It had been impossible not to. It was all so natural with him. It was a giant joke that the universe had cast on your life: the one person you wanted was the one you could never have.

-🌼🌼🌼-

October 8, 2022

Your boobs were hurting like you were about to start your period.

Anytime they felt heavy, looked bigger, or itched, you knew it was coming.

A telling sign. And for a week or two, they’d been that way.

It made you think about checking the period tracker app on your phone— see when it was coming. And when you had checked it, you realized you were late.

It’s because of all of the fucking stress, you thought, deducing it to only that to keep from worrying about anything else. There was no way it was anything else anyway.

The only person you’d had sex with in recent months was Jake and he always pulled out. There was also the added piece of how you’d been weaning off of birth control for the past several months. Late periods were known to occur while going off of that particular drug.

You were checking the toilet paper every time you went pee, waiting to see blood on it. And when you finally did see just the slightest bit of blood, you decided to check for tampons in your bathroom cabinet.

Aaand. . . You realized you were out of them.

Needing to go to Walmart for a few groceries anyway (you’d eaten all of the Cosmic Brownies you’d recently bought and needed more immediately), you decided to make a quick run for necessities.

-🌼🌼🌼-

It took you longer than you had planned trying to find a box of damn tampons. Walmart was sold out of your go-to’s, and searching Google to figure out a good environmentally-friendly dupe was harder than you’d anticipated.

But, it must have been your lucky day. Because, as you stood there, a graying woman in the tell-tale blue vest came up with totes to stock the shelves. And, as she started unloading, you saw a box of your normal brand of products in a tote.

Walking over, you started to kindly ask if you could have one of the boxes of tampons in her tote. . .but the smell of her perfume was so strong and outrageously floral– you could smell every hint of artificial rose. Your stomach churned at the obtrusion to your nose, so you backed away a bit to gain your bearings.

You went ahead and asked once you’d settled back a foot or two. When she smiled back at you, you felt bad for being so grossed out by the smell of her perfume, but damn she’d layered it on thick . . .

“Which kind, sweetheart?” Her voice wobbled with her age, the hump in her back much more prominent when she went to bend down to grab it for you.

You extended a delicate hand, touching her frail arm to stop her. “Oh, ma’am,” you said, causing her to look up at you. “You don’t have to get them out. I can do it.” She raised a brow, so you hastily added, “If you don’t mind, of course.”

It took everything in you to not help her up from her slightly bent position, as you didn’t want to break any boundaries. You also weren’t sure if you could handle being so close to her with the way she smelled like an artificial flower shop. . .your tummy was still rolling with the scent and you didn’t want to puke on the poor thing.

When she stood back up, as straight as she could, her smile was bright behind her magenta lipstick.

“Oh, sweetie,” she winked a glassy eye, placing her hand on your arm this time. You smiled as she continued, “You are one of the rare ones, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?” You giggled, holding your nose a bit when her hand came up to touch you. How much of the stuff had she sprayed on herself?

“Willing to help your elders?” She questioned, thankfully letting go and stepping back again.

You took a breath and blinked, not expecting that. “Oh, of course. I wouldn’t ever think of doing anything different,” you shook your head, your grin sticking to your lips. “I don’t want you having to do that for me.”

“Well, you are just too sweet, honey. If you’re sure, I’m going to continue stocking. You go ahead and get it out, honey.”

With that, she walked back to her prior job.

And when you bent to get your tampons, your stomach lurched. Again. Just like it’d been doing for the past week or so. But, you felt like you might actually vomit, and you didn’t want to do that in the Walmart totes. So, you put a hand to your mouth when you stood back up.

The woman—Wanda, her name tag said— looked over at you. Her brow wrinkled when she asked, “You alright, honey?”

Swallowing, you nodded, knitting a brow. “Oh, yeah. Don’t you worry about me.”

She nodded back, almost turning back to her job when she stopped. “You know, it’s so funny. I remember once back in my day, when I was around your age, I was in an aisle just like this one. . . Getting my own napkins, searching high and low for them,” she chuckled. You smiled kindly, unsure of why she was telling you this. You were about to turn on your heel with a quick goodbye when her voice stopped you. “But, it’s funny, I searched so hard that day, and later that week. . . I found out I was pregnant!” She got a kick out of that one, slapping her tiny thigh. “I’d been late for weeks.”

In contrast to her humorous state, your stomach sank. . . Plummeting to your knees.

But before you could say anything back, she was being called by her supervisor to help locate an item. She waved a quick goodbye, and you barely registered it. Your thoughts were going insane.

No. There was no way. You knew you were late. . . But you weren’t that late.

School had just been stressful. Your anxiety building up to you being sick and everyth—. Fuck. Your nausea.

No. No no no no.

It wasn’t possible.

Standing stock still in that aisle, you measured your thoughts the best you could. Tried to make them all slow the fuck down. Flashbacks of Jake infiltrated your mind, him being the only one to have aided in that possibility.

The only guy you’d slept with in months. And he always, always pulled out. Without fail. Fuck. Absolutely not. Why were you even thinking of him? Of that? Entertaining that thought?

It wouldn’t have even been a blip of an idea had that lady not mentioned anything. Hurriedly, you scampered down the aisle, wanting to get out of dodge of the ladies’ aisle. But just as you’d passed the pregnancy tests, you stopped in your tracks, walking back to them.

There is no fucking way this is possible, you thought. You shook your head, almost continuing out of the aisle again.

But. That dreadful voice nagged at you, causing you to stay in your place.

Better safe than sorry, y/n, it seemed to remark smartly to you. What’s the harm in checking?

And without really thinking, you were getting out your phone to search for the most accurate tests. You weren’t about to get a false positive that might freak you out for no reason. As you navigated the best brands on a blog, bile rose in your throat, your tummy doing somersaults.

You didn’t want to think about it as you eyed the Clear Blue tests. This was stupid anyway. But you went to grab one, in spite of you knowing you literally weren’t pregnant.

You didn’t know why you were fucking embarrassed as you reached for the box of tests. It wasn’t like you weren’t a grown ass fucking woman. And it wasn’t like you were actually pregnant. There was no way in hell. This was just a precaution to prove to yourself that you were overthinking things. There was no way.

Every single time you’d been with Jake, he’d pulled out. Every. Single. Ti–.

Then, it came back. The night you’d gotten high on Josh’s fucking green.

Fuck.

It had been one of the most euphoric times you’d had sex with Jake. That much you could remember–and you hadn’t forgotten how good it had felt for a damn second. And, the more you thought about it. . . It dawned on you as your stomach rolled.

Knowing how into it you’d been. . . How good it had been. The weed hindering your decision— probably hadn’t used fucking protection then.

Dammit.

Most likely, you knew he hadn’t pulled out. You’d both been so out of it. . . too lost in the moment. (A moment that you had, admittedly, been waiting for– feeling his naked cock inside of you, throbbing as he released his hot seed inside of you. . .)

And, as you stood under the judging, bright fluorescent lights of fucking Wally World, the words were coming back to you. . . the entire moment was flooding back to you. Whether you wanted it to or not.

You felt your legs quiver, your heat clenched around him as your clit twitched with need.

So close. Fuck.

His eyes rolled, his lids shutting with the feeling. He bit his pink lip. His lips, still swollen from your kisses and shiny from your release. The butterflies in your stomach started fluttering ferociously, the familiar feeling overtaking you as your body trembled– your nerves humming.

You were about to finish. And you had to do it with him.

Completely.

“Y/n,” he gasped, warning you. “I’m going to fucking cum.”

You felt his cock pulse inside of you, confirming his words.

“I know,” you said, for the third time. “But I need to feel you. I want you to finish inside of me.”

His eyes bugged. “Y/n– fuck. No. No. You are under the influence. You don’t want–.”

You felt your chest flare with irritation at his words. “Jake, I swear to fuck,” you whined, your eyes shutting as one particular nudge of his cock against your folds pushed you nearly over the edge. “Please, Jake. Please, baby. I promise you won’t be taking advantage or some shit. I need it. Please. Let me have it. Just this one time.”

Let our last time be special, you thought. You tried to let your eyes echo your thoughts, willing him to understand.

He seemed to, because his next words were less apprehensive– an air of eagerness and an air of excitement painting his tone with his next words. “Are you sure?”

“More than sure,” you reassured, smoothing your thumb across his sharp cheekbone.

And with one last buck from his hips, your clit twitched and your legs turned to Jell-o. All composure was lost–shuddering and heart chanting his name.

Then, with a final groaned growl, his eyelids drooped, and his irises hazily watched you. His mouth relaxed to an ‘o’ shape, just the same as it did when he played his beloved instrument. You felt the glorious feeling of his release, as he spilled warm and plentiful inside of you.

You remember now that, in your hazy state, you’d banked on everything being okay. Because you were going to get a Plan B. . .

But, there’d never been a Plan B.

You felt a cold sweat develop on your forehead as your hands became clammy with fear. Your hand trembled as you held the box of Clear Blue tests tightly to your chest.

You didn’t need this. Fuck. He didn’t need this.

It was just a fluke. There was no way. It was one time.

So, that’s why, when you reached out to get a box of First Response tests, you knew it was just to back up what you knew.

Two different types of tests to confirm the truth. Double reassurance.

It was not possible at all that you were pregnant. How fucking often does it happen after just one time? An hour later, when you got home, you decided to push the tests all the way to the back of your underwear drawer.

You decided to hide them because you knew it was stupid to even begin to think of the impossible. And you were not about to entertain such an asinine idea.

-🌼🌼🌼-

October 15, 2022

You put off taking the test for as long as you possibly could. Tried to ignore the fact that it was even in your drawer.

Even though you knew there was a chance that you were, you didn’t want to sit on it, in the case that it might not be true. Because it more than likely wasn’t. But when that week trickled into the next, and you still hadn’t been greeted by Aunt Flo, you started getting more and more worried.

And the puking didn’t let up for anything. . . In fact, only getting progressively worse.

Which, on the Saturday of the next week, clicked as a horrid sign to you.

No.

Surely the fuck not. It was just stress. There was no harm in taking the test to prove yourself right. So, you gave in and went to grab the test after you’d done your newly scheduled weekly cleaning of the apartment, that next Saturday night. You decided it was ideal to do it then since Jake was gone performing at another festival with the guys.

Halloween-themed festival this time. . . And as fun as it’d sounded, you knew when Josh had texted you about it that there was no way in hell you were going to go to that.

Biggest reason being that you and Jake were still not on speaking terms, and you didn’t want to test those waters. You also didn’t want to run the risk of seeing Maya. Because you already knew that seeing her might actually make you keel over and vomit.

And also, Elsie was too busy to attend, so you for goddamned sure weren’t going to attend and experience anything negative without your wingwoman. So, you’d given a half-assed, ridiculous excuse of homework. Thankfully, he was wonderfully Josh and didn’t give you any trouble over it.

But, it meant Jake was gone tonight, and you could take the test without running into him. The night was still young, and you had plenty of time to get it done and out of the way before he got back.

Grabbing the tests felt like you were taking a giant leap into a field of the unknown and that was terrifying as hell to you. But you didn’t let it stop you from reaching your shaking hand into the deepest tresses of your underwear drawer. Once in hand, you rushed to the bathroom.

Calm down, y/n. Just breathe, you coached yourself, as you read the giant Over 99% Accurate! at the top of each box. Chances are very slim. You just have to take the tests.

You read the instructions on the back of each box at least five times. Each box had three different forms of tests: two regular tests and one digital for both brands. And you were about to pee on all six.

Wait. That might not work. How do you even stall your fuckin’ pee like that? For six tests? And still be totally sure it’s accurate? You didn’t want to chance inaccuracy of any kind, so you thought of your next best option. On a whim, you squatted to look in the under-sink cabinet for Dixie cups. You could not for the life of you remember the last time you bought those, but maybe. . .

Aha!

Shoved to the back of the cabinet, forgotten, was a dispenser you now remember as Elsie’s. Her dental routine, always having been extensive, now coming in extremely handy. Once you had your hands on it, you pulled one cup sticking out of the top.

Last one. Damn. Lucky day.

Let’s just keep getting lucky, then.

So, you sat down to pee, after reviewing the instructions for the both brands of sticks once more.

And, once you’d peed in the cup, washed your hands, and built up the final bit of courage to do it, you opened the boxes. As quickly as you could, you got all six out, unwrapped them, and then dipped each tab in the little cup. Once you felt they’d all been dipped the perfect amount, you laid them out on the counter and set the timer on your phone.

All six laid there, taunting you and your stupid, careless decision. The two digitals next to one another, blinked with the time until results appeared. The four other tests’ screens, all got colored, one-by-one by your pee. Gross.

Deciding you couldn’t watch, you went ahead and fed Stevie during the waiting period. You left your phone on the counter, too, the volume turned up all the way so you’d be able to hear the alarm.

Just before you threw the boxes away in the kitchen, you read the backs of them once more. One part stuck out to you, the piece of information you were reading, both reassuring you and terrifying you all at once.

“This pregnancy test detects the “pregnancy hormone” (hCG), which starts showing up in your urine shortly after implantation. Plus, its DualSense(TM) Technology may help prevent false positives in the very small number of non-pregnant women who may have low levels of hCG in their urine.”

At least I know they’ll show me accurate results. Like the fact that I’m not pregnant, you recited, once more.

You bent over to feed your fluffy gray cat, but when you did, you felt the usual wave of sickness flood your senses. But there was no stopping it like you were sometimes able to do. Thankfully, you were able to get her food in the dish and still make it back over to the toilet, in time to empty the contents of your stomach.

And, as if on cue, just as you flushed it down, the timer on your phone went off.

You suddenly wanted Elsie there with you, holding your hand as you met your fate. But you quickly pushed that to the side, remembering that this was on you. This was your mistake to face. And your body. You had to be the one to make all of the choices that followed any possible, unwanted result. You had to face this alone. This was on you.

By The Seaside’s cheery tone did not match your sick tummy or the dread that was pooling at the bottom of it. It was as though bricks had been piled there, keeping you on the ground until the tone started getting so infuriating, you couldn’t take the sound any longer. You also didn’t want to wait so long to possibly get inaccurate results.

Your eyes were pinched shut as you stood up. Yes, to keep the dizziness subdued, but mostly out of fear for what awaited you on the countertop. When you opened your eyes, you directed your sight first to your phone, pressing the STOP button to turn off the seriously grating alarm tone.

Before you even glimpsed the counter holding your (possible) future, you knew what you were going to see.

And you were proven terribly correct.

Four tests with two pink lines on each screen. Two digitals saying two words you didn’t want to think true. . .

YES (with a stupid little plus sign) on one and Pregnant, big, fat, and bold on the other.

Fitting. Big and fat. Just like I’m about to fucking be.

-🌼🌼🌼-

You laid in bed crying for hours. You didn’t even remember getting to your bed. But by some miracle you did. And you never wanted to leave it. This was the last thing you fucking wanted. Really.

You avoided touching your stomach for a while, not wanting to make any association to the unspeakable reality of your situation.

A fucking baby wasn’t in the cards at all. It couldn’t be.

You could not have this baby. No way, no how. You and Jake weren’t ever going to work as a couple. For prior reasons and because you fucking stomped out any of that possibility with the hateful, untrue things you’d told him in August.

Then, there was the career aspect. If you were afraid of Jake compromising his career for you, you knew he would most probably (most definitely) put his career on hold for his own fucking kid. And you refused to let that happen. It was not an option for a baby to get in the way of the lifelong dream he was finally living out. He was more important than that being halted for a barely-there kid.

You still had no earthly clue what the fuck you were going to do with your life, but even you refused to quit your life for a baby you didn’t want. Before you could schedule the appointment, though, you were sobbing yourself to sleep.

-🌼🌼🌼-

You woke to the telling sound of the front door opening and closing.

Your eyes were difficult to open. But, as you pried your red and puffy lids open, you squinted at your phone screen to see a text from Els and the fact that it was 2:30 a.m.

Dear god, where has he been?, you thought, irritated at being woken at an ungodly hour on this wretched night. All you wanted to do was sleep.

But, you couldn’t stop yourself from contemplating where he’d been. . . you soon regretted the train of thought. Because, you knew exactly why he’d been out so late. It was the same reason he used to stay out late. Women. Now, it was Maya, most likely.

You blew into yet another tissue from your bedside table. The disgusting pile of dirty kleenex from your delightful evening had come to cover the pretty white painted wood.

Just like this horrid situation is going to take over my life if I don't stop it from happening.

Taking comfort in what you could control in the present, you decided to get off of your worthless ass to throw away the tissues in your bedroom’s trash basket.

Shit.

The trash.

Without giving a thought what Jake’s reaction would be to your swollen red face, you made a beeline from your bedroom to the kitchen’s waste bin.

Gratefully, he was nowhere to be seen. And when you heard the shower turn on, you knew you were safe for a bit. So you hurriedly wrapped up the bag and ran it down the concrete stairs to the complex’s dumpster. On the way back up the stairs, you rushed, too, as you didn’t want to risk seeing Jake at all. You didn’t know how long he’d be in the shower, and considering it was late, you figured he’d be in and out.

Right before you were able to grace the last step on your way up the stairs, you nearly tripped.

And, just as you gasped, catching yourself from mid-fall, you also protectively grabbed another part of your body.

Only on instinct, you defended the choice.

But as you made the rest of the way to the apartment, you didn’t move the hand from the bottom of your belly.

You couldn’t defend that.

To your relief, when you made it back up, hesitantly opening the door, you realized Jake was still in the shower. As you put a new bag in, you had to let go of your tummy. And it was fine. You didn’t miss the contact.

It was just instinct before.

But, just as you finished with your job, you were no longer alone.

You watched him leave the bathroom, towel around his waist. The waist you’d hungrily gripped so many times before. . . But, in recent times’ fashion, he didn’t look your way for even a millisecond. You knew why. You knew you’d been an asshole and said terrible things you could never take back.

You said what you did for good reason, your inner, brutally honest voice reminded you for the 80th time in the past month.

For as long as you could, you let your eyes follow his body, surely still warm from his shower. He was so completely handsome. His long, dark, wet hair, sticking to his tanned, broad shoulders, which shined with water droplets. Droplets that trickled to dip below the towel at his waist. . .just as you’d witnessed them do before.

Before. Better times.

Though, as soon as he was in your line of sight, he was gone.

Minutes later, you were back in the safety of your bed, trying to not think about your roommate, wet and possibly naked next door as you searched Google for a Planned Parenthood near you.

And, as you were scheduling your appointment, you refused to acknowledge the soft thoughts that were entering your brain.

A baby. Not so bad. . .Soft. Cuddly. Sweet. Yours. . .

Jake’s.

But before you could hit the precipice of overthought, you reminded yourself that it was unreasonable and it would be selfish to keep the baby. It would be you halting Jake in one more way.

And, just as you were tiptoeing the edge of a deep slumber, an even more devastating thought entered your mind.

You could absolutely not have this child.

Because, based on your tumultuous past of mistreating other people, how would this poor, innocent baby be any different? Be safe from you? Even with the gut-wrenching thoughts, you fell into sleep easily. Crying always took it out of you. Now you could blame part of it on the life you were growing inside of you.

Without thinking of it, your hand found your still-flat belly again as you drifted off. . .

But, when you did, your sleep was not that easy. Your dreams, ever-vivid. A mixture of wonderful, pastel-colored moments with a giggling baby, a glowy morning light tickling her pretty features. . .

Then the terrible ones where you saw yourself as the exact person who’d hurt you most. . .Your mother.

-🌼🌼🌼-

October 29, 2022

Unbeknownst to you at the time you’d scheduled your Planned Parenthood appointment, you’d planned it for the same day as Josh’s annual Halloween bash.

The one he would be hosting at your house, just as he always had. And, he’d planned it when he always did. The Saturday before Halloween. You just hadn’t thought of it when you’d scheduled.

So many people in your home, on the day of an appointment for which you’d had equal parts apprehensiveness and eagerness. . . maybe slightly more apprehensive. Either way, they were two completely different emotions. And you weren’t sure how in the hell you’d handle them once the deed was actually done. . . So the prospect of coming back to an apartment full of people to feel it all was not your favorite.

Good thing was, you’d at least been able to reschedule your appointment for earlier in the day, which would end up giving you plenty of time to cry and cope on the drive home, get back home, cope some more, and then dress up. . . And then you’d be fine. . . right?

You’d decided to put off the appointment for as long as you felt like you could. The night you’d found out had been a shitshow of emotions. But when you awoke the next day, there had been a new light that hadn’t appeared the night before when you’d read the tests.

A light that left you feeling unsure of ending it so quickly. You just hadn’t felt totally comfortable going in so soon without giving it time. You’d wanted time to process it. So, you’d scheduled it far enough out to do so.

Two weeks. You decided that giving yourself two weeks to really think it through, would help you have enough leeway to think and come to a sensible conclusion.

But. . . you still hadn’t come to one. Not really.

You’d at least had the two weeks on your own, the apartment being void of Jake. The boys’ record label had suggested going to a cabin in the middle of the woods to write music and spend that time together, just them. They’d left roughly midway through the first week after you’d found out. Much as you wanted to deny it, you had missed him. His presence. But him being gone had been what you needed to thoroughly digest it all. Theorize. Imagine all kinds of scenarios for you and the baby.

But the days and the nights were different– a total contrast of each other. And you’d bounced back and forth between the strong, all encompassing feelings for long enough that you’d made your decision. Even though it wasn’t necessarily an easy decision, you knew it was what needed to happen.

Most nights, you fell asleep, holding your belly (a little excited by it growing just the slightest bit in the past two weeks). . . You’d come to the same conclusion anytime your head hit the pillow. The euphoric, pastel dreams. The precious baby you could hold and love, safe in your arms.

You knew what you wanted at those moments and it felt heavenly, honestly. . .

But the utter trainwreck of thoughts that plagued you in the daytime were what had you getting into your car, putting the clinic in your Maps app. Tumbling between your thoughts of not harming Jake and not becoming your mother and harming the child, you’d made the final decision of what was best for all parties involved.

Especially the baby you held in your womb.

Your hand went to its natural resting place, the bottom of your faintly protruding tummy, where you imagined your baby growing steadily. You hadn’t researched how big it was or even let yourself do the math of how far along you were. No tracker apps. No research. It would keep you disconnected enough to go through with the most beneficial option for everyone.

Avoiding all of the fun things had been difficult, as you’d spent every waking minute thinking about the life inside of you. The baby motivated you. Kept you going when you started feeling sad. . . Weird as it was, the tiny little bean in your belly was inspiring you on a daily basis.

But, as you came to the first stoplight on your journey, you remembered this was best.

The appointment was at the Hempstead clinic. You’d made it at that location, forty minutes away from your home, in the hopes you wouldn’t see anyone you knew. No one knew about the life inside of you and you had decided it probably needed to stay that way.

It had become increasingly burdensome to keep it from your Elsie. There’d never been a time in your life where you didn’t tell her everything. Keeping the thing with Jake from her had already been hard enough, so adding a baby to the mix made it rise tenfold. Any time she Facetimed you, texted you, or called you, you wanted to tell her. A couple of times you almost slipped up.

But telling her that would mean admitting everything about you and Jake. The sex. The feelings you’d developed. The way you’d cut things off. . .

And you didn’t want her advice. Weren’t ready for the way she’d react to it all. She always seemed to conflict with your ideas on things like this. . . the hard decisions you’d make. She was notorious for saying you “make things too hard for yourself” and to “let go of the heaviness”, but all you normally heard was “I don’t understand what you’re feeling, but I’m going to tell you this worthless piece of advice anyway.” You knew she’d judge how you ended things. She’d question it. Quiz you.

Now was not the time for any of that. You already had your constant, terribly rude voice of reason that coached you through the tough things. So, as much as it tempted you, you didn’t dare mention any of it to your sister: your time with Jake or what it had ended up producing in your uterus.

(There was also the crippling fear that she may slip up and tell Josh. . .and he was the last person you wanted to find out. . .The fear of disappointing him two times the amount as before.)

But, at this moment, as you joined the crazy busy traffic on the highway, soul music lifting your spirits as high as they could go, you wished she was there to talk it through with you. So for the thousandth time, you tried doing it yourself. The same thoughts you’d gone over and over for the past two weeks.

The first thing you thought of every time your mind started rambling was what it could and would honestly, truthfully be like.

How could you actually make it work?

Usually, this was where you’d lose hope, telling yourself you absolutely couldn’t make it work. . . start derailing from the possibility of happiness. . . but as that certain Aretha Franklin song came on your fucking shuffle. . .

Like an eagle protects his nest, for you I'll do my best

Stand by you like a tree and dare anybody to try and move me

Darlin' in you I've found, strength where I was torn down

I don't know what's in store, but together we can open any door

The lyrics inspired your thoughts to take a surprising turn for a. . . promising, positive outlook.

There was most likely a way you could make sure to hold Jake to his dream. You could encourage him to stay on track. You’d been able to talk through things with him before. Even though things were weird now, you could do it again. . . probably. Hopefully. Do what you always did and make a list of reasons why he should, get him to understand the importance of him not giving up on it. . .

Then the darkness filtered in a bit, reminding you of how hateful you’d been to him during your last conversation. Would he listen to you? Could you blame him if he didn’t want to? And the recycled thought of how toxic you were. . . You’d cared so deeply for him and still allowed yourself to talk that way to him to protect him. What in the hell would you say to your child to protect it in the future? Why was your idea of loving someone so fucked up?

Could you fix that? Figure it out?

At the very least, you could try. For your baby. For you.

You merged lanes, the track slipping into the next. You turned the volume down to hear your thoughts. Give them your attention.

How would you raise the baby? As roommates? Weird. Friends? Sad. You couldn’t cross the territory from before again. That would make things too complicated for the baby. . .And probably for you while you figured things out. Getting lost in him again wasn’t an option. The glorious fucking– it wasn’t an option. Did he even want that? Probably the fuck not. . . But you knew he’d make something work for the baby. . . He’d make sure the baby felt safe with an arrangement between the two of you. You knew the kind heart he held in his chest.

You could do it as friends and make it okay. You could. Even if it broke your heart to only be his friend as you raised a baby together. You would do it for your baby. For him. You would do it for him–because you'd cut things off with him for a reason. A solid reason. And a baby didn’t change that.

In fact, a baby affirmed that it stayed the way you had made it. . . You’d made a mess and he didn’t need to be distracted by you. You could share the baby, yes, but you were the obvious primary caretaker. You’d take over whenever he was away or needed time to focus. . . It wouldn’t be fully on him to handle a baby.

It would barely be on him. You were the mom. This was your thing.

But, it would be fully on him to handle your bullshit. You weren’t worthy of a relationship like he could offer. And he didn’t need to be on your healing journey with you while he pursued what made him feel happy and fulfilled. Just like the rules had stated: you weren’t his responsibility.

Responsibility. . .he didn’t need to have any with the baby, honestly. He didn’t need to be involved. Only if he wanted to be. You weren’t going to force him.

But damn, you wanted him there for all of it. From birth up until the day of college graduation. . .

The sound of your phone ringing through Hands Free interrupted your train of thought, right as you got on the exit you needed to take to get you closer to the clinic. You didn’t even look at the caller ID as you pressed the answer button, focusing on the tricky road you’d made it to instead. You knew it was probably Josh or Elsie, calling to figure out something about tonight.

“Hello?” you said, loud enough for the other person to hear, starting the conversation.

“Hey.”

The voice you heard through the sound system of your car was almost enough to make you veer off of the roads, actually making you swerve the slightest bit.

Jake. Why was he calling?

“H-hey,” you stuttered, not sure where to even begin in conversation with him. You hadn’t spoken for a damned month, and now you knew you were carrying his baby. . . things were strange. Altered. Poles apart from before. You covered your wavering response with as much truth as you could tell. “Sorry, driving on some weird roads. On my way to a doctor’s appointment right now.”

“It’s fine,” he responded, voice hard and clipped. Unfamiliar. He’s not your Jake. Your heart fell as you felt that newfound (or re-found?) tension fill the conversation. “Just calling to tell you I’m leaving my key with Josh so he can get in to decorate. Thought you’d wanna know.”

Your brow wrinkled, suddenly curious and a little irritated. “Josh has a key. . .?” You took another exit that indicated how many miles you had left until your destination.

“I lost the little fuckin’ thing,” Josh’s voice now reverbrated, grainy through your speakers. You smiled at the sound of him, but turned down the volume to make it less overpowering, in case he talked again. “I’m so sorry, love!”

“It’s fine, Joshy,” you conceded with a sigh. “Hope I don’t get a burglar or some shit thanks to you,” you were joking, but also completely serious. “You’re replacing the entire apartment if that happens.”

“You’ve got it, Mama,” he responded dutifully.

But the only thing you could hear was mama. . .Mama, mama. . .fuck.

Your hands started sweating as you noticed your Map had you down to three minutes until you made it. Rather than making it obvious that you were lost in thought, you started talking. Using it as a way to distract yourself as well. (More so for yourself, if you were being honest.)

“I thought Elsie was coming to help you? She has one.”

“Her plane got delayed and she’s going to be getting here later than she planned,” Jake replied to you, short in his response. “See you la–.”

“Is she okay?” You asked, your heart rate increasing at the thought of her possibly being stuck somewhere. “Is she safe? I’ve been driving. Do you think she’s tried texting me? Josh, is she okay?”

You heard Josh chuckle, which eased your nerves. “Yes, she’s perfectly fine,” he confirmed gently. “She’s on the flight now, and if things line up, she should be here in two hours, so we’re good.”

“Okay, goo–.”

“And I’m sure she’s texted you because you both text each other non-fuckin’-stop,” he pointed out. Then you heard him laugh at himself. “No–I love it. But she’s okay.”

Jake’s voice, annoyed, broke through the flow of your conversation with his brother. “Alright, well, see you la–.”

Just as you pulled up to the clinic, you cut him off. “Jake.” Truthfully, the reason you kept him on the line was because your heart was heavily thrumming in your ears, vision tunneling. . . You just needed to hear his voice. He couldn’t hang up yet. “Why won’t you be there to let him in?”

He sighed, the sound making your heart slow down a little. You could imagine him rubbing his face or giving you a look that said “really?”. But he actually responded kindly, sounding like himself. “I have a few things to do before the party. I won’t be home.”

Even though you so badly wanted to ask what those things were, just to continue hearing his voice, you didn’t keep him. It wasn’t your place to know and you knew better than to ask anymore questions that weren’t your business.

“Okay.” You paused, thinking if it was okay to ask what you wanted to next. Just go for it. “Are you going to be at the party?”

Embarrassing to ask, but here you were.

“Yes. . .?” He replied, tone questioning.

Relief. That was what you were feeling. You were relieved that he’d be there.

He waited a few beats and then spoke again. “. . .Why?”

“No reason. Just wondering if you’d be at the party,” you rushed out, not wanting to push him further.

The next thing you heard throughout the body of your car was Josh’s voice again. He was hurling expletive after expletive. And then, “Did you see that, Jake? Did you see that?” in the background of the call.

It was enough to make you laugh. You’d been there for his loss of patience on the road. Completely oblivious drivers getting an earload from the man in the next car over. It was even funnier when you’d look over to see them grinning, or singing along to a song. . .no idea that they were getting called horrendous names.

Simply watching him lose his cool on others was entertaining because it was hardly ever seen. The best thing you could think to compare him to was an angry leprechaun when he’d start on his little road rage fits.

And without warning, the sound you needed to hear most rushed through the car and into your ears. Jake’s lovely, raspy chuckle. It’d been so long since you’d heard it. Too long. (You might’ve turned up your volume a smidge in hopes of hearing it again.)

The insane person in you wanted to ask him to do it again. But, obviously, you didn’t.

Though, he didn’t immediately try to hang up when he spoke next. When you heard him again, it was almost like you could imagine the past month hadn’t happened. The talk in the kitchen hadn’t happened. . . things were normal. You were okay. He was okay. Both of you, peaceful . . .blissful.

“Are you good?” He asked smoothly– familiarly. Jake. And, you were sure your ears were fooling you, but you swore you could hear a hint of concern in his tone.

You weren’t sure what to say. This was more than you expected from him by far. . . Shocked was an understatement. What you wanted was to open up, tell him every last thing on your mind, but you knew you couldn’t do that anymore.

You plainly weren’t. You put a hand on your tummy and aimed to match his sincerity in your tone. Settling with a, “Yeah, I’m good,” as your reply.

I miss you, though, you added, silently.

“Alright,” he said. But he didn’t hang up. Instead, the line stayed connected almost as though he was. . .waiting? Was he? Possibly waiting for you to talk more? Like he used to? Giving you time? But before you could think any further, he was wrapping it up. “See you later.”

The tone clicked off, leaving you in the silence of your car briefly before your eardrums got attacked by Marvin Gaye’s voice.

“Shit.”

You reached the knob, turning down the volume.

Had I really turned it up that loud?

You shook your head as you giggled to yourself at the fact that you’d been so obscenely desperate to hear him laugh.

But, his laugh. . . Exactly what you needed to keep calming down. . . That laugh. . . And the way his eyes would light up with it.

Oh, fuck. . .

His eyes.

His wonderful eyes. Amber-brown. The first thing you’d noticed about him. They were so kind and so open when he cared for someone he spoke to. . . Even sparkling sometimes when he’d smile. . .

And without warning, you could see it. Clear as day. A baby with Jake’s kind eyes.

A baby that was part of him. . .

You let yourself sit on that. Think about it. Just that. Not about all of the intricate, fine-tuned details. No, just thought about the simple fact that this baby was half Jake.

Half of someone who’d brought so much unadulterated joy to your life. If you were always honest with yourself, you knew he wasn’t what had caused you to become distracted, sad, and in your head. . . you’d done that to yourself. All he had done was be a listening ear. A helper. A lover. A friend. . .

He’d done nothing wrong. You knew this. And imagining a baby who could bring the same light to the world as him. . .Even if all the baby had were his eyes, that would be enough. But then there was his heart. The beautiful heart and passion his child would no doubt have. It would be inevitable. Especially being the child of you two. . . but his passion shining through a kid?

You could not get it out of your head. You didn’t want to. It was all so beautiful to imagine. . .You also didn’t want to rid the world of a gift that could be so wonderful as Jake Kiszka.

The little details could be worked out. You would work on yourself. You would try your best to be the best you could be. . .

You would. Had to do it for yourself and your baby.

Determined, you turned off your car. And when you went inside Planned Parenthood, you canceled your appointment. You tried your best to shut off your brain to any of its usual worrying for the sake of the life you now knew without a doubt you wanted to keep. Hold. Love.

And as you were driving home, the nerves were gone and replaced with relief. Your baby would be okay. You’d make damn sure of it.

When you took the final exit off the highway to reach the city streets that led to your apartment, you got logical again. Now, the logic didn’t worry you. It didn’t make you feel unsure. This logic felt safe. You were working things out– not just getting rid of something to temporarily patch up a hole. Yes, you were more than self-aware. You knew you did that shit.

It was what you’d done your whole life to feel safe. But it wasn’t what the baby did. It wasn’t what the baby needed. And now, the baby in your belly would also get what it needed.

As you rolled into your parking spot, you started searching the best apps to use and downloaded all of the most reliable trackers. The loading apps made you feel jittery with anxiety, but in a good way you’d never felt before.

Later on in your pregnancy, you knew it was possible you could end up regretting the choice to keep the kid. You’d done nothing to prepare for a child and the fear of being completely out of control was daunting. But that was what adoption was for.

You just couldn’t be the reason that the world lost such a precious piece of Jake. Because, even if you couldn’t keep the baby yourself, you needed to at least see such an inevitably beautiful person enter this world. And, you didn’t have to be out of control in all of this. You could keep your hands on it all. Stay aware and informed. . . Help the baby. . . Feel purpose. You could do something good and worthwhile.

You walked up the stairs to your building, watching your every step while you kept one firm hand on your lower tummy. The apps that had loaded were dying to be opened. But you were going to shower and start getting ready before you gave yourself that reward.

For the first time in your life, you had a shaky-ass, unsure plan. But it was oddly the first time in your life you felt like you could conquer your shit. You could take it by the horns and start working on it. For you. For your baby. The baby that motivated and inspired you so much already. . .It all felt so freeing.

You unlocked your front door, finding the place was still empty. Your shoulders relaxed as the day started draining from you. The past two weeks, honestly. . . You moved your shoulders a little to loosen the muscles from their pent-up tension, took deep breaths in and out, in and out. . .

You breathed a sigh of contentment, placing your delicate hand on where the baby grew.

And as you got into the shower, you realized something. . .

The persistent voice that always accompanied you, helping you feel less alone in your hurt. . . had been silenced. Was that okay? That it wasn’t there to guide you? Had you been able to turn it off?

You weren’t sure how to feel about it. But, as you kept glancing down at your slightly rounded tummy as you showered, you came to a clarifying thought.

You weren’t alone anymore. Didn’t have to be. Maybe the voice was no longer needed. Maybe this was the beginning of a massive change.

Giggling to yourself as you dried off, you thought to yourself.

Duh, it’s a massive change. The biggest. And one I’m ready to welcome.

-🌼🌼🌼-

When Elsie’s plane landed at the airport, Josh had already been at your place decorating for an hour or two. And as soon as she texted, he was gathering his things and giving you instructions on finishing up the place.

Then, he left to pick her up.

Finally.

You breathed a sigh of relief when he ended up leaving.

The thoughts that’d swarmed your head in such close proximity to him had been too much. It was weird being around him now, knowing who you were carrying. Josh being completely oblivious (and probably unapproving if he were to find out) caused you some incredible anxiety. While you’d come to the realization that there was no doubt you wanted to have the baby, the thought of people finding out was making your nerves short circuit.

Especially Josh. He was still the main person you didn’t want knowing of you and Jake. Same as always, you didn’t want him to feel betrayed, or like you’d let yourself be to Jake what Amelia had been to him (destroying his dreams for your gain). And now, you knew how much worse it could end up being when he found out about your child. You figured that he would feel like he’d been left totally in the dark. Which, he had been. . .but for good reason.

You just felt guilty over it.

Taking instructions from him on how to finish up some of the decorations, you hung the rest of the red and black streamers and some cute, eclectic garland between the streamers. Little fabric ghosts, attached to a string that he’d probably found at a Home Goods store. After that, per his wish, you shut all of the lights off and turned all of the twinkle lights on. Some red, some white. . . But so many of them. Dear God.

The lights were a good idea though, as they added the final touch to everything he’d done around the place. . .highlighting everything a very mystifying, spooky hue.

Once you completed those tasks, you made the red punch. Josh had already whipped up the orange punch and had it chilling in the fridge. When it looked ‘blood red’ enough (Josh’s words), you placed it in the fridge with the other bowl. Each bowl, shaped like a giant skeleton hand.

Does he just host it here because I have a massive fridge? You genuinely wondered.

On the shelf above the bowls, you saw the several hilariously made food items. He’d designed them carefully and specially to look like scary things, labeling each as its inspiration (Witch’s Fingers being the name of one item). It was something you’d see at a party for a child, but you weren’t surprised that Josh had found the idea amusing. Something you loved about Josh was the fact that he was a child at heart, while also showing the traits of an 80 year old man.

Crossing the living room to walk to your room, you admired the way he’d jazzed up the spacious apartment. It looked spooky and cute and fun. You knew people would love it. He always went all out and you enjoyed seeing what he decided to do each year.

What worried you, though, was the amount of orange solo cups that sat on your bar. It looked to be at least (probably more than) 50 cups. Maybe he’d just gotten that many for the people who wouldn’t reuse their cups. . .but the Sharpie sitting next to them begged to differ.

Why in the fuck hadn’t you put a limit on the number of people? Yeah, your apartment was roomier than some, but how were you going to fit that many goddamned people in your place?

There’d never been so many solo cups waiting. . . How many people were there going to be? And why the sudden change in numbers?

-🌼🌼🌼-

It was thirty minutes to party time when they got back.

You’d finished most of your makeup, having done it during the long time you’d waited on your sister’s arrival. When Elsie finally walked into your room, her foundation, blush, and contour were on, but nothing else.

“Bitch, we’ve gotta hurry,” she said, setting her bags down on your bed. “Do you have the costumes?”

You gave your false lashes one more swipe of mascara, pleased with how you looked.

Not half bad, you thought. You made a pout at yourself in the mirror; your red lipstick made your lips look damn good. The gloss you'd coated them with helped as well.

Kissable.

“Yes,” you answered, rising from the vanity to grab their hangers out of your closet. “We are never buying costumes on Etsy again, though. These ripped a hole in my bank account.”

“Oh, shut up, Little Miss ‘my grandparents pay for my rent’,” she sassed back, rolling her eyes.

“You’re one to talk,” you countered, annoyed with her. “They did the same damn thing for you.”

“You’re not wrong,” she agreed, a laugh in her voice. “But giving you shit is too fun. And also, you don’t have to travel all over the globe for your job, so. . . I bet your account still looks prettier than mine, even after this purchase.” She grabbed her little blue top and skirt from your waiting hand. “These are perfect though,” she turned the costume around, admiring. “Thanks, sissy.”

“Did you bring the white stockings?” You asked, taking off your sweats and changing from granny panties to a white, lacy thong to fit the mood.

“Duh,” she responded, going to retrieve them from her duffel, throwing your pair at you. They hit you on the head, as you were folding your sweats onto your bed.

“Elsie!” You yelped. “You little fuck.”

“Get over it. I’m sure you’ve done something to me recently to deserve it.”

When you looked back at her, to continue the jesting, she was in her light ensemble. She moved in front of the mirror, gawking. She twisted and turned to see every angle of the glorified lingerie. “Damn these are sexy,” she commented, impressed with the look.

Your eyes were big, noticing the same thing as her. They were hot, but. . . A lot of skin was going to be exposed. . .

“Short as hell,” you noted, observing the costume on your sister’s body. . . Her ass would be fully out if she bent the wrong way. But her boobs looked great– complimented by the cropped blouse, pushed up. She adjusted the little pink bow in her hair that’d come with the ‘fit. “And lots of skin.”

“Just like we wanted them,” she reminded you, going to get her makeup bag to finish her makeup at the vanity.

Yeah, we decided on these damned costumes when I was fucking Jake and had someone to look sexy for. . . Fuck. The thought of him seeing you tonight and not being able to react like he would have two months ago. . .it made your heart pinch sadly. It suddenly felt totally counterproductive to even dress cute.

Why would you want to do it now? The only person you wanted to impress would definitely not be looking your way. . . You had a terrible feeling that all night, you were going to feel like a clown. Ridiculous. Dressed up in a stupid, extremely revealing costume. Completely unseen by one pair of pretty brown eyes. . .

“Put your costume on!” Elsie ordered, her eyes pinned on you through the mirror as you stood there, behind her, lost in thought. “The party starts super fucking soon.”

You had to do this with her. If you backed out on your costume with Els, it would be a giant dick move. Coordinating costumes with her on Halloween had been a tradition for as long as you could remember.

It will be fun to do it with her. Just like always.

Resigning to putting on the tiny outfit, you went to take off your sweatshirt. But just as you gripped material at your hip to pull it up and off, you froze again.

Dammit. The tiny bump.

You hadn’t thought of her possibly seeing you—or it— as you changed. . . Should have done it before she got there. Would she even notice? Honestly, it just looked like you were bloated. It wasn’t super obvious what it was— not yet.

It’s okay. It’s fine. It’ll be okay.

So, you kept on with taking it off, throwing it to your bed to fold, turning around so you weren’t facing her in the process of getting changed. Just a safety precaution.

“Nice ass,” she giggled, snarky as usual before continuing her eyeliner.

But your mind went into hyperdrive. A recent event, coming to your mind at her words.

“That ass,” he’d said, his voice still low and sleepy. “Damn, baby.”

The way he’d looked. . . Stroking himself in bed as he’d watched you. . .

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Naturally, you went to hold your tummy. Though, you dropped the hand when you heard your sister huff frustratedly. “Do I have to come over there and do it for you?”

You looked over your shoulder at her, narrowing your eyes and giving her the middle finger before finally putting on every piece of the ensemble.

You had to be careful with the top, which included its built-in push up bra. Your breasts had become much more sensitive than you were used to. Sometimes hurting to the touch. To your relief, the bra added just the right amount of pressure to them that it felt like they were being held well. . .

Just wouldn’t be able to put up with the feeling all night. . . You knew that they’d start to hurt from being pressed so tightly to something as the night wore on. After situating your boobs just so, you put on the last piece: A black platform heels, closed-toe, resembling a pair of traditional Mary Janes.

Smoothing your hands over the skirt, you noticed it was a little tight. . . But not bad. Not noticeable to any unsuspecting eye. Just like your previous thought, it could really just be passed off as period bloating. However, when you eventually checked over the outfit on yourself, in the mirror. . . You did notice something. A change.

The past couple of weeks had been a time of you not acknowledging any body changes. Only your belly, which you frequently, absentmindedly touched. . . But anything else that might feel or look abnormal? You’d avoided, if you could.

The boob pain had been too incessantly uncomfortable to ignore, having to flip and flop every which way in the night time so they wouldn’t feel like aching, ton-pound weights on your chest.

But you hadn’t looked at them. They truly looked bigger. You weren’t that far along. . . Were you? You didn’t understand all of the pregnancy math yet. You still hadn’t had the chance to delve into your new apps.

Whatever the case may be, they were definitely growing. Your veins in them, darker than normal. The way they looked swollen, full. . . damn.

Do they seriously start changing this soon? I don’t know. . ., you wondered silently, moving to the side to see how they were giving you fantastic cleavage at your deep, sweetheart neckline. Mentally, you made a note to check those apps to get some answers as soon as possible.

You went about your business, trying to distract yourself from the body changes you weren’t completely sure about . . .

As you were adjusting your own pink bow in your hair, you heard her wolf whistle.

“Dear God, sis,” Elsie commented. You looked down at her in the mirror, where she still sat at the vanity stool. Her face was almost completely finished. “What in the hell have you done to make your boobs look so fantastic? Please, tell me your ways.”

If only you fucking knew, you thought, fluffing your hair, and adjusting your outfit as much as you could, once more before eyeing her.

“Just on my period,” you lied, not ready to tell her. But . . .you kind of were. You wanted to tell someone and she was your person. When would you be able to finally break the news?

You pushed the thought away as she did the same as you with her outfit and put her own shoes on.

Hearing the sounds of people arriving, and Josh’s music starting, you gave her a look.

“You ready?”

-🌼🌼🌼-

The party had been droning on for several minutes.

A lot of people had shown up. . . some you recognized from past parties, and others you’d never seen before. All you knew was there were definitely enough people for all of the cups.

You’d already taken your annual Halloween picture with Elsie, and now she was off with Josh, attached to his side and conversing with every person that he did.

Why couldn’t you have what they had? Why was everything in your life so goddamned complicated?

And where was Jake?

Your other two friends had arrived (surprisingly) on time, getting the party kicked off. They were now playing a small game of “mini beer pong” with two girls they’d probably met through an app. Maybe a festival, though? That was a possibility now. Weird.

Yawning, you made your way over to the punch and put some of the orange in a plastic cup. Before you took a sip, you smelled it, making sure it was uncontaminated with Josh’s liquor of choice. Knowing you were safe, you took a decently sized swig. And, thankfully, the taste didn’t make you want to hurl.

All of the little things that had been happening before you’d found out were all stark and apparent in their nature now. All of your “stress” symptoms had been signs of you growing a little life inside of you. From being sick, wanting to eat everything in sight, the sore boobs for the couple of weeks before you’d found out. . . and even the extreme sadness about Jake. Had that perhaps been the hormones, too?

Getting up on your tiptoes to peer over the people, punch bowls, and several types of alcohol on the counter, you once again searched for your roommate.

Where was he?

And, right as you’d pondered the question again, there he was. Opening and striding through the front door, already in his costume. . .and looking sexy as fucking hell.

Your eyes trailed his solid figure. . . From his black boots, black pants, loose white shirt (almost entirely unbuttoned, dear fuck), a few necklaces laying upon his defined chest. . .and all the way up to the dark red bandana that he’d tied around the top of his head, gold hooped earrings peeking out from his dark hair, flowing below the bandana.

A pirate.

Hot damn.

And even though it was dark, the insurmountable amount of twinkle lights Josh had perfectly hung illuminated his handsome face enough for you to see. . .

Had he started growing a mustache on their trip?

Fuck. Me.

You squirmed from where you were behind the counter, totally irritated with yourself over what you’d done in this very kitchen, two months ago. Even though it had been for his own good, you wished right now that you could take back time and hold off on doing it when you had. Because all you wanted to do in that moment was walk over to him and tell him all of the filthy thoughts that were clouding up your brain.

But. . . before they could get any dirtier, you saw the person he’d arrived with, walking in beautiful and majestic behind him.

Maya.

Also dressed as a pirate. Except her costume was one you’d probably see advertised as “Sexy Female Pirate” in a Spirit Halloween bag where Jake’s seemed to be a bunch of pieces of his own clothing that he’d pieced together to make the stunning look.

Thankfully from the waist down, you were out of sight behind the bar counter. So you were able to lay a gentle hand on your belly, a little more round after eating some of Josh’s finger foods. You realized that, apparently, holding your belly was a new go-to to gain peace in a situation.

Because, sad as you were over the woman he’d arrived with, you were able to ground yourself with the hand on your stomach.

This was going to happen anyway. . . Surely. You two weren’t meant for each other, and you were bound to see him with another woman again after you ended things with him. And you were not shocked at all that it was Maya with him tonight. Just as Elsie and Josh had been doing, they started strolling the room, talking to the other party-goers. His smile, so bright to lighten up that dark room. . . The occasional laugh he’d give in response to someone that you wished so badly to hear, but just watch instead . . .

You could do this. You could watch him from where you were. Even if she was with him every step of the way, you could admire him. Wistfully. Wantingly. Longingly. . .

But what you saw next was the worst thing you’d seen between them so far.

At first, it wasn’t so bad. When he wrapped an arm behind her. . . But what made your heart lull was seeing him give her ass a squeeze through the material of her (cheap nylon, off-the-costume-rack) pirate dress.

God, no. Unshed tears pricked your eyes. Your chest felt heavy.

Before you could watch any longer, you made your way over to the cabinet next to the oven. You’d hid your phone so as not to get it mixed up with any others. You’d assumed it was a risk when the multiple people filed in at the beginning of the party.

You averted your gaze from anywhere near where you’d last seen Jake. Then, found a place on the countertop to perch yourself, getting comfortable (and carefully situating your legs to not reveal anything).

Now was the perfect time to start perusing those apps. . .

-🌼🌼🌼-

Elsie had migrated to be next to you for the latter portion of the evening, both of you feeling the hyperactivity of the crowd grating on your anxious nerves.

You’d sat, secluded for hours. Talked about nothing and everything. Shared TikToks. Laughed at ridiculous things that no one else would get. . .But time with her made you that much more ready to tell her of your predicament. Even if her advice pissed you off, you still felt like you needed it. If only to round out the massive, intricate equation your life had become. You could use her input as a multiple fucking choice answer choice.

When it had gotten long enough that she hadn’t seen Josh, she had to get her fix and he walked off to find him.

And you decided you were done sitting on the couch, crammed against the wall. You just wanted to go to sleep. You’d kept your phone on hand when you’d come to sit with her, and the time on your screen was reinforcing your want for your comfy bed. You’d been yawning for the past couple of hours off and on, and finally reached the point of your eyes closing where you sat at the back of the party.

For the past couple of weeks, you’d been going to sleep much, much earlier than 11 p.m.

After you’d spent a lot of time reading about the first trimester on those (extremely helpful) apps, you now knew the newfound tiredness was most likely due to a baby growing healthily inside of you, using your energy to thrive. Providing life for yourself and another was exhausting work.

You couldn’t find Elsie and Josh in the mass of people, so you just decided to excuse yourself quietly to bed. Sammy and Danny, the only ones to get a goodbye and goodnight from you as you quickly passed by them. You were not about to look for Jake.

Stevie meowed when you entered your room, as if greeting you. She’d stayed in your bedroom with her necessities so she wouldn’t get overly anxious with the crowds, since that was the last thing you wanted for her. You’d greeted her back as you shut the door behind you, almost falling asleep against the back of the door.

But your costume had become way too uncomfortable and constricting for that to be an option.

You started stripping yourself of it, sighing as your chest hit the cool air of your room. Then, you slipped back into your heavenly sweats. No bra of any kind constricting your chest. Praises fucking be. You felt soft and cozy in your baggy sweats and you could fall asleep right there. Standing up. In the middle of your room.

Though, your face was still heavy with makeup, and you weren’t going to sleep with that on your skin to possibly clog your pores. Another thing you’d learnt from your apps was that pregnant women easily broke out with hormonal acne, and you weren’t about to test any of the waters to give yourself more acne. You were already lacking enough self confidence, and you didn’t need to add a broken out face to the mix.

When you went to grab your makeup wipes from your vanity (no time for the whole face routine tonight– you were too tired), you noticed the package was empty. And right next to all of her makeup, still splayed out, was the used cloth.

Of course Elsie had used the last one. She owed you for that one. Especially for the timing. Right now was not the time. You were going to have to go back out into the crowd to get to the bathroom for your new package. Thus, getting overstimulated all over again when all you wanted was to crash hard in your bed.

But when you got to your bathroom, your search for makeup wipes came up dry. And then you remembered that your last trip to the store had been weeks ago. The same day where you left with two packages of tests triple bagged. And that day, by the time you got to the toiletries section, your brain had been infiltrated by the memory that got you where you were now. You hadn’t remembered to get a new pack of remover wipes.

You stared at yourself in the mirror, angry that you now had to use Micellar water and dirty a washcloth and . . .ugh.

By the time you’d spent forever doing that, you figured you might as well do your full nighttime routine on your face.

Twenty minutes later, you were leaving the bathroom, face feeling incredibly fresh. But the way the final step cooled your face, made you feel more awake than before. So, after tossing your hair into a messy bun, you slipped past the people who were still taking up space in your home, avoiding any and all eye contact, to get a cup of water, a Cosmic Brownie, and a bowl of pickles.

Just as you thought you’d figured out a way to carry it all to your room, you ended up dropping the box of brownies, each package falling out of the box, all over the floor (one didn’t sound like enough once you’d made it to the kitchen). The clatter of plastic made you want to cry, honestly. And a few tears hit your hand as you sat the pickles and water on the counter.

I just want to eat and go to sleep, you thought, getting on your hands and knees to pick up the brownies.

But before you could, a hand was stopping you, bending down to do it himself. Confused, you stood back up, not questioning the help in your state. And when you looked to see who the helper was, you bit your lip to try and keep the new tears at bay. Stupid hormones.

Your heart leapt at Jake. Pirate costume and all, on the floor, putting the last couple of packages back in the box.

When he stood up, his eyes were glassy like he’d been drinking. You gave them one glance and then looked at the box, not letting your eyes meet his.

He’d probably forget about this, you thought, a little sad by that. He probably doesn’t even want to be doing this right now and his drunkenness is making him move without thinking.

“Thanks,” you mumbled, going to grab the box from him. But he pulled it back so you couldn’t. You tried again, but he pressed it to his chest, out of your reach. “Give me the box?” You requested, in question. Your brow wrinkled, unsure why he was doing this.

“Look at me,” he said, his voice wavy, softly demanding.

. . .and slightly British? You would have laughed if circumstances were different.

Yeah, his voice definitely indicated he wasn’t sober.

But, you did as he asked, your craving made you follow his instructions without hesitation.

Mistake, mistake, mistake. Abort mission.

You hadn’t been given the opportunity to look into his eyes for so long. And doing it now made your airways constrict. The eyes that convinced you to turn around today. The same beautiful brown eyes you wanted your baby to have.

Wanting to ignore the way your heartbeat was literally washing through your ears, you tried to speak.

“Why?” You asked, your question weak, but voice clear of emotion. Thank God.

His gaze was open, eyes a little lost thanks to his inebriation. “You looked fucking beautiful tonight,” he lazed, tone serious. He glanced down at your body, just briefly. “Still do. Always do.”

Your breath went shallow at his words. He didn’t mean this. He was drunk. You could’ve sworn he hadn’t been looking at you. He wouldn’t; Maya had been with him all night. Right?

“Thanks,” you choked out. You averted your gaze from his again, your heart couldn’t take this. “Can I have my brownies now?”

You saw them move in your direction, and grasped the box as soon as it was in front of you. Gathering up the water, bowl, and box with much more ease this time. Strategy.

“D’you want my help?” he offered, voice still iffy, but tone sweet and sincere.

Shaking your head, you flashed your eyes at him once more. Just one more look.

“No, I can make it,” you affirmed, wanting to say the opposite. Yes, please. Stay with me. “But thank you.”

He mimicked your actions, shook his head as he furrowed his brow. “Yeah, yeah,” his eyes held yours. You couldn’t look away. He smiled shakily, as if telling a joke. “I’m drunk.”

You giggled in spite of it all. “I know.”

And then he was letting you move past him, his cologne coming off of him in the most delicious waves. . . fuck.

Before you could totally get away, though, he lightly grabbed your arm. You were stuck in a trance. His touch, burning, even through your sweatshirt. The way he smelled, exactly what your senses needed.

You peered up at him through your lashes, wondering. “What?”

He seemed to get lost in your stare for a second, forgetting what he wanted to say. Alcohol could do that to a person.

But then he was moving towards you. Your heart fluttered wildly in your chest. What was he. . .? You couldn’t move. Then, he was dipping his lips to be right above your ear. Holy fuck. More. His voice was low and raspy when he whispered. “Your tits looked fucking incredible tonight.” Heat flushed in your cheeks, all the way down to the pit of your stomach and to your throbbing heat. God. “That fuckin’ tiny excuse for a shirt barely held them in.”

God-fucking-damn.

You could feel your nipples hardening, to match the rest of your body. You could feel them tight and hard, begging for his touch. But he couldn’t. And he wouldn’t. He didn’t want that.

He. Was. Drunk.

Gaining what bearings you could, still blushing, you gave him a small grin, eyes innocent and at his mercy. “Thanks, Jake.”

And then you were booking it out of that kitchen. Quickly as you could, to the safety of your room and the vibrator you kept in your nightstand.

In an embarrassing amount of time, you were reaching the peak you so desperately needed. . . Every quiver from the tiny instrument, his wet tongue. Your toes curled as you found release, moaning his name loudly, but against your pillow to muffle the sound.

Then you tucked it back in your nightstand, the food forgotten as you let yourself fall into a deep sleep, holding the soft bump of your belly.

-🌼🌼🌼-

a/n: i think "You're All I Need To Get By" is their song..... hm? do you think this baby might be the magic key? or do you think things are only going to get worse? 🤔🤔

also, who can guess what the girls were for Halloween? 🪓

ty for being the best readers in the world and pleaseee never hesitate to send in your wonderful thoughts!

Fill this form out if you'd like to join my taglist! <3

& as usual, it wouldn’t let me tag some of y’all. :( so please check to see that you’re down there because if you’ve asked to be on the taglist, i tried to tag you. buuuut tumblr wouldn’t let me do it for everyone 🙃 ugh. and if i somehow forgot to tag someone, please also let me know that! (i'm a NOOB and i have terrible memory)

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dreamescapeswriting · 2 years

Text

⪼𝐑𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐁𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 ⪼𝐋𝐅 [M]

⤜WORD COUNT: 6.4K

⤜PAIRING: Felix X Fem!Reader

⤜GENRE: non-idol au, college au, fluffy, smut, MINORS DNI, studying, cute, cheesey pickup lines,best friends brother, unprotected sex, oral (female receiving)

⤜Copyright: © DreamEscapesWriting - August 2022

⤜MASTERLIST

Changed his sisters name to something else as I don’t feel comfortable including their family members in smut pieces. Sorry x.

It was going to be a long and boring shift for you since it was pretty much dead inside the restaurant you worked in. There were the usual people that came in were huddled inside of their seats, coffee and food already with them while you and the rest of the staff just waited. It had been a while since this place had gotten overly busy thanks to the new restaurant just down the road but it was busy enough to keep staff on. The only thing you missed was when it was busy because at least then you had something to do while the time passed by but instead you had to sit and wait for the minutes to click by. Staring at the clock until something happened or at least until closing time.

"I say we have a bet," Tamara - One of the other waitresses said as she looked at you from across the kitchen. It broke the silence and would be an interesting turn of events but there was no way in hell you were going to play into that - again. The last time the two of you had a bet together you'd ended up missing four important practice

"The last time we had a bet I ended up on a plane flying from Seoul to Japan," You reminded her as she giggled a little at the memory. Neither of you could even remember what the bet was about only that you had lost and had to suffer the consequences of your actions.

"You had fun," She teased. It wasn't the point that you had fun, you'd gotten lost in the middle of Japan and your flight home had been cancelled twice due to severe weather.

"I got lost and I missed four exams because my plane home was cancelled...Twice." Tamara rolled her eyes and held up the little badge you had gotten for her whilst on your stay in Japan. It had been a lot of fun while you were there and a nice break from your busy college life but it didn't mean you were going to be jumping into any bets again soon.

"Look, it's not my fault planes got cancelled. Don't hate the player, hate the game." You glared at her in a joking manner and she giggled a little.

Ever since you'd started working here a few years ago she had become one of your closest friends outside of college. The two of you were always scheduled together on your working days which you adored, there was something about her that made all of it worth it.

"I choose to hate both," You grumbled playfully as the bell above the door signalled that someone had walked inside, without turning around you shouted out to whoever it was.

"Pick a seat, we'll be out in a second." You were facing Tamara when you noticed her mouth falling open a little. Whoever had walked through the door must have been good-looking since Tamara rarely reacted that way to people coming into the restaurant.

"What are you gaping at? You look like a fish," You laughed while slowly turning to look at who had come through the door when you noticed 8 handsome men walking in. The smile dropped from your face as you took in their appearance one by one, you could hardly believe that they'd come in here.

You would have thought for sure that they would have gone down the road to the newer place that was there. It was no joke or exaggeration that they all looked as though they were plucked from the pages of magazines and stood in front of you. Swallowing the lump in your throat you tried to check that you weren't drooling over eight random strangers inside the restaurant.

"Anywhere we want?" An Australian accent called out to you, his eyes met yours from across the way and you completely forgot how to speak or even breathe as he locked eyes with you. How was it possible to forget basic human functions? You'd been breathing all of your life and now your lungs decided that they didn't know how to suck in the air?! They were betrayers! Tamara nudged you roughly and you suddenly took in a deep - yet shaky - breath.

"Y-Yeah sure. Anywhere you want." You stammered over your words and turned back to Tamara who was already smirking at you, you could read her mind as though it was your own and you shook your head.

"I bet you can make him hit on you,"

"Tam," You warned her while shaking your head, you weren't going to flirt with a random customer, especially one that was that strikingly hot...Hotter than hot. That man looked as though he could cook an egg on the abs you just KNEW he had.

"You have to give them the biggest, cheesiest pickup line you can ever think of," Tamara said as you began to grab your little notebook, along with some menus and everything you were going to need to take to the table.

"I never agreed to it," You reminded her before she stops in front of you to block you from leaving the counter area, you stared back at her waiting for her to say something.

"Okay, no bet...But if you do it I'll cover your shift next Wednesday." No bet meant you wouldn't have to do anything humiliating if you lost and you were in desperate need of Wednesday to be covered since you were having a massive studying session with Ursala. She'd called you BEGGING for her with her math and you'd accepted. How could you not? Ursala had been your best friend since the two of you had roomed together in your first year at college.

"Done and done," You smirked before trying to think up some lines that you could possibly say to one of the men that had walked inside, not to mention find the kindest looking one that would probably find it flattering.

The boys all smiled when you walked over to their table, Felix was treating them all to something to eat since it was his idea to be out in Seoul so early in the morning. Felix stared up at you when he heard you walking toward the table but quickly looked down and started to play with his fingers nervously.

"Welcome to Dreams, I'll be your server Yn... here are your menus. I'll let you read over them for a while but what can I get you to drink?" You placed down the menus and watched as they handed them to one another, standing in front of them was starting to feel a little intimidating. Not to mention Tamra was staring at you waiting for you to say a pickup line to one of them and you could feel the anxiety building up inside of you. Maybe it was a bad idea to do this, what if they took it as harassment? The last thing you wanted was to upset someone with a harmless pickup line that would lead to nothing.

"What is the best thing on the menu?" That same thick Australian accent had asked from before and you relaxed a lot, the accent made you think of your friend and you smiled. You turned your head toward the Australian one and smiled at him, his eyes meeting yours as he smiled back at you.

"I'd say that the best thing is Me-N-U." The words came out and as soon as they did, you instantly wished that you hadn't gone along with any of this. The boy's cheeks began to flame in bright red and his ears shortly followed and you could feel your heart beginning to race as he looked at you.

"Felix, say something," The boy with curly hair next to him said before nudging his friend. Felix stammered over his words, trying to find something to say in response to you but it was obvious he was embarrassed at the sudden pickup line you had given to him. You were going to kill Tamara for this. You hadn't even thought about whether or not the guy could have had a girlfriend or not. Not to mention what if he decided to file a lawsuit about all of this? You glanced over at Tamara for help but she was giggling to herself too much to pay attention,

"Ooo look at Felix getting a girlfriend! It's about damn time," Someone teased before laughing hysterically to themselves, each of the boys joining in to tease their fellow friend.

"His ears! Quick someone, get a photo." Another voice said but you barely had time to look at where the voices were coming from since all seven of them were teasing him for not saying anything in response to you.

The was a small tap on your wrist and you turned to look at one of the boys who looked like the "pleading eyes" emoji and he was giving you a giant grin,

"Can you say that again so that I can get it on camera this time?" The boy asked causing your whole body to flame up with heat as you nervously played with the edges of the notebook. Picking at the paper as you tried to think of something to say to get you out of this situation,

"Someone make sure Felix gets a copy of the video." You took a few steps back as the men started to get lost in conversation with one another, Felix however kept his eyes on you with an apologetic look on his face.

"And photos, we can use them for posting on his 30th!" Amid their teasing, you scurried away from the table and hid in the kitchen while hiding your face in your hands. Tamra had run in after you to see what the big deal was, from where she was standing she hadn't been able to hear anything going on. She'd only been able to see the boy looking completely embarrassed about something and you running away as if your life had depended on it.

"I can't do that ever again," You mumbled while shaking your head, god it made you think as though you were back in school and had told someone you had a crush on them. You knew the men weren't trying to be mean to you, they simply wanted to tease their friend - Felix - but you were never going to be able to live that down. It was going to curse your mind every time you would try to sleep.

"Your shift is covered and I'll take over the table if you want?" Tamara questioned when she noticed how embarrassed you seemed to be getting, you didn't think twice about accepting her offer. You'd stay in the kitchen on dish duty if it meant you didn't have to go back out there again until they left.

Two whole days had passed since Felix had seen you in the restaurant and he was starting to lament not saying something to you when he had the chance. After you'd run to the kitchen, you never came back out again but he'd thought of some cute pickup lines to say back to you the whole time. The poor boy couldn't get you out of his head and had even gone back yesterday in the hopes of seeing you and maybe asking for your number but you weren't working. He figured that - in a couple of days - he would try again and if you weren't there he would take it as a sign that he shouldn't track you down.

"Why are we doing this again?" Chan asked as he stopped outside the house Felix had bought him and the boys and brought Felix out of his thoughts. It was a small home on a completely busy street and Chan knew that it was Felix's sister's place but he couldn't exactly remember why all eight of them had been dragged along to this.

"Ursala said she's stuck studying all day so we've bought them some sustenance." He gestured to the box of baked goods he was holding and then over at the food Minho was holding. The two of them had been up cooking and baking for Ursala the night before since Felix wanted his sister to have the very best.

"I stayed up last night to make it, so she's going to enjoy it," Minho warned Chan as Felix pressed the doorbell to his sister's place.

Ursala had been studying in Korea for a few years now and this was one of the many times he'd dropped by to spend time with his adoptive sister. All of the times he'd been she'd been busy with studying or she was working hard on some extra credit that she was going to hand in.

"Hey Lix...boys...What are you doing here?" Ursala quizzed when she opened the door, she expected it to be the pizza she'd ordered an hour ago but was slightly disappointed to see her brother. Not that she wasn't happy to see her older brother with her but she'd really been looking forward to eating some food.

"We bought sustenance for your studying session," Chan told her as Felix smiled brightly at her holding up his box for her to see. Ursala smiled as she saw the brownies Felix had been filling her with ever since she moved to Korea.

"My favourite?" She questioned while eyeing up the box and Felix nodded his head. It was only the best for his sister, when she first time him that she was going to study in Korea he was worried. Beyond worried actually. He knew that moving to another country was scary and he was planning to be there for his younger sister as much as she needed him to be. He wanted to be a good big brother and constantly look out for her. That and his mum had told him that if he didn't look out for her she would fly over and punish him for it. Since she was adopted Felix was overly protective of her more and more.

"Great, erm...You'll meet my roommate I guess." She laughed, in all of the years Felix had been coming to his sister's place he hadn't once met her roommate. Ursala claimed she was always working or busy but the boys teased her for making up an imaginary roommate. It seemed that way at least since her roommate was never at home.

"Oh, she's actually real?" Minho teased as they all smirked at her, Ursala rolled her eyes at the boys. Over the past few years, she'd gotten closer with each of them which was nice. It was like having extra brothers around her at all times and she always felt as though she had someone to turn to when she needed them,

"Unless she magically jumps out of the window for work." Seungmin joined in before Ursala pushed him playfully making him whine out for Felix to make her stop.

"She's in the living room, she's helping me cram for a math exam that's coming up," Ursala explained as all of them walked into the house and kicked off their shoes at the door.

"Are you two in the same degree?" Felix quizzed, handing the containers to his sister who shook her head at him,

"No, she's doing engineering,"

"Oh cool, she's going to make robots?" Jisung asked with hope-filled eyes. Everyone turned to stare at him with dumbfounded looked on their faces and she instantly began to blush a little. Sure it was a possibility that it could happen but it was more likely her roommate would work with something else.

"Not quite..." Ursala laughed taking the food into the kitchen and gesturing toward the living room for them to go and wait for her. The boys began to walk in and you smiled thinking the food was here, your stomach was about ready to growl at you again since you'd skipped breakfast that morning.

"Was it the pizza I ordered? Because they're about an hour late and I-" You stopped speaking when you looked up at Felix, your heart jumped into your throat and all thought of food had vanished upon seeing him standing there. The boy from the restaurant looked just as confused to see you as you were to see him. What was he doing here?

There you were, the girl that had been consuming Felix's thoughts for the last two days was right in front of him. Now, this was a sign to ask for your number...But what were you doing here?

God. What kind of dumb luck did you have that you would run into him here of all places? Along with all of his friends who seemed to have recognised you instantly,

"Whoa! Its pickup line girl!" Seungmin laughed as he pointed over in your direction. By now Ursala had made her way back into the room and was frowning at the name you were given.

"Pickup line girl?" Ursala asked as she joined you in the living room again, sitting crossed-legged beside you as you felt your mouth run dry. How were you supposed to explain this one to her? You'd flirted with some random guy at work and now he was standing inside of your living room with all of his friends.

"Have you come up with any better pick-up lines yet? Because that one the other day was awful." Chan chuckled making you relax a little as they all began to sit down in the living room, Felix's eyes never straying from you as he tried to think of what kind of fate this was. You were Ursala's roommate...This whole time.

"You know them?" Ursala asked as you shook your head, it wasn't a lie. Technically, you only knew of Felix's name and you hadn't really put two and two together that he and Ursala were related until right now.

"Tam-"

"Say no more." She laughed already knowing that if Tam was involved it was bad news. The two of you were always talking about the kind of things that Tamara would wrap you up in and so she let out a small giggle.

"It was a dare. She told me if I did it she'd cover my shift today." You mentioned while feeling your body heat up when you noticed that Felix hadn't taken his eyes off you the whole time. You flashed him a nervous smile and he smiled back at you.

"Gross that you hit on my brother but I'll allow it," She mumbled while looking down at her textbook and desperately trying to get the maths to stay in her head. It had never really been one of her strongest points and she was thankful that she had you around to help her with it.

Chan glanced to Felix who was nervously biting down on his lip and playing with his hands, trying to come up with a way he could stay a little longer. Something inside of him was desperate to get to know you some more.

"Maybe we can help with your studying," Chan mentioned when he noticed Felix still staring at you while you stared back at him. The idea of him staying longer made your heart pound and you glanced in Ursala's direction to see if she would accept the offer.

"Did you pass math?" Ursala asked before the boys nodded, all of them except for Jeongin who seemed to have avoided the question altogether.

"Besides, 8 extra heads are better than one," Felix added quickly before you smiled warmly at them all, moving over so that there was a space free for Felix to sit down beside you.

Studying had turned more into a friendly meeting while you got to know all of the boys on a deeper level. Though you had spent 90% of your time talking with Felix while the others helped Ursala with her math work. The two of you had gotten to know one another pretty well though thanks to Chan pushing you to sit with one another.

"Hey, do you want some help?" Felix whispered as he slowly came out of Ursala's room and crept over to you. He'd carried his sister to bed not wanting her to sleep on the floor for the night. You'd just gotten through covering some of the boys with blankets since it was way past midnight and they'd appeared to have been knocked out. Including Chan who Felix was completely surprised at, he'd mentioned to you that Chan wasn't much of a good sleeper.

"Nah it's okay, you can sleep too if you want" You gestured for the space on the sofa but he shook his head and began to help you pick up some of the plates that were all over the living room. All of you had been eating and causing a mess all afternoon so it was only right that he helped you.

"You can do the dishes if you really want to help." You smirked, leading him over to the sink and pointing at the piles of dishes that were beginning to pile up. Felix hated doing the dishes but it would be worth it if it meant getting to stay up with you.

"How about I wash and you dry?" Felix offered a counter offer and you nodded, grabbing a tea towel ready to help him. Both

"So how long have you known Ursala?" He questioned while he slowly began to wash the pots,

"A few years, I moved to Korea not long after she did I think," You told him before drying up a plate and quietly putting it into the cupboard.

"How long have you been living here?" You quizzed, turning to look back at him as he smiled and went on to explain everything.

"I'm sorry about the other day by the way," You mentioned for the fifth time that night as you both stood in the kitchen and watched the others sleeping. Felix shook his head at you, there was no reason for you to be sorry about it at all. He'd found it rather cute even if he hadn't been able to speak the day of the pickup line.

"It's fine." He chuckled as he looked at you, you were standing with your back to him while you washed up the mugs the two of you had just been drinking from. All you could think about was how guilty you felt after the pickup line incident.

"It's not. I shouldn't have done something that could have made someone feel as uncomfortable as I did for you." You frowned down at your hands, rinsing them off and drying them off with a teatowel.

"Who said I was uncomfortable?" He asked with a small smile as you both stood in the kitchen, you turned around to face him not realising just how close he was to you.

"I-I just thought-"

"I thought it was quite cute." He had no idea where the sudden burst of confidence was coming from. Maybe it was from getting to know you but all he wanted to do was kiss you. All night long. Or maybe it was the fact that Chan had been giving him pick-up lines to use all night long through texts but he finally felt ready to tell it to you.

"You...You did?" You stuttered a little, your lower back pressed against the counter and he nodded his head moving closer to you. Your bodies were inches away from touching one another and you could feel the heat bouncing off his body. You were almost sure he was able to hear just how fast your heart was racing from where he was standing.

"I have my own."

"Yeah?" You swallowed the nervous lump in your throat and Felix slowly licked his lower lip as he nodded at you.

"There are 20 letters in the Alphabet right?" You looked at him and felt your body heating up. You'd seen this years ago on the internet but you were interested to see where this was going so you went along with it.

"26..."

"Oh shit, yeah! I'm sorry I forgot the U R A Q T." You laughed softly and shook your head at him.

"That only makes 25 though," Felix leaned in closer to you and smirked,

"I know I will give you the D later" His voice was so deep and rough you couldn't help but giggle, your whole body heating up at the sudden attention he was giving to you.

"Is that a promise Mr Lee?" You questioned, your hand slowly raising up to smooth the shirt he was wearing as he nodded at you.

"You can bet on it," The two of you smirked at one another before leaning closer to him, your lips touching softly. It was a soft and sweet kiss, both of you trying to find the right rhythm for one another but your heart was banging against your chest like it was trying to get out. The kiss continued to be sweet until he wrapped his arms around you and bought you closer to him. Just like that, it was like a switch went off inside of you and you were desperate for him to touch you more.

"F-Felix," You whispered breathlessly, he took your breath away from you and you never wanted it back as long as it meant having him around. It was clear how badly you wanted one another, with the heat in your stomach and the pooling between your thighs you were completely needy for him

"Me too," He whispered as if he could simply read your mind just from one look at you. Without a second thought, he lifted you onto the counter and began to kiss you again, with more hunger this time. His hands held onto your sides as you pushed yours into his hair, pulling at the strands a little until he let out a deep moan and it left you hungry to hear more from him.

"You're sure?" He asked as you pulled away to look at one another. Pupils were blown and you were both sweaty,

"More than anything," You whispered as you slowly got down from the counter and snuck him into your room. The idea of having to be quiet because there were so many people in the house only further turned you on.

Felix kissed down your neck before he tore the shirt you were wearing away from your body in one quick movement and his eyes locked onto the bra you were wearing. You hated yourself for wearing this today of all days, why couldn't you have worn something you found sexy instead of your doughnut underwear set?

"Cute doughnuts," He teased before you pushed his chest softly and whined at him,

"It's not as if I knew some hot guy was going to fuck me tonight." You mumbled before he laid you down gently on the bed and began to kiss you again. His hands were on your waist as he slowly slid his fingertips under the elastic of your baggy shorts. He'd been dying when he walked into the house to find you like this, they were just so perfect and easy to slip off. He'd never admit it but he'd been hungry for this since the moment he had laid eyes on you today.

"T-Too slow." You mumbled before he suddenly yanked your shorts down in a fluid movement and smirked finding you wearing a matching panty to the bra you had on.

"Oh, you're adorable." He groaned wanting to take in the appearance of you for as long as he could so he could paint himself a mental picture of this moment for later.

"S-Shut up," You whined, suddenly feeling the intense urge to cover yourself up but it was quickly pushed aside when he kissed your thighs softly, leaving small bites on your skin as he let out a satisfied hum.

"If I do something you don't like-"

"I'll tell you," You promised as he continued to kiss further up your thighs as your whole body went tense. You wanted this more than anything but you were still nervous as hell to have a man between your legs since it had been a while since you'd done anything with someone.

"Felix," You gasped as he pulled away your underwear ever-so-slowly, your whole body aching for him to touch you again as he looked down at your bare core and smirked to himself.

"You're soaking baby," The way "baby" slid off his tongue made your whole body tingle and you let out a small gasp,

"Oh fuck," You puffed out when you suddenly felt him suck on your clit, quickly followed by his tongue sliding over you. Between every fold, lapping up your arousal as if it was the only thing he'd eaten in months.

"Holy- Felix," You gasped out before reaching for a pillow and moving it to cover your mouth. This was completely incredible, out of the world in credible as you moan out into the pillow but Felix didn't slow his movements. If anything he bought you closer to his face while hocking his arms around you, he wanted you to be pressed against him until all he could taste was you for days.

"Fuck, yes," He grunted deeply as he began to dip his tongue in and out of you, circling and lapping around you and pushing himself deeper into your cunt.

"F-Felix." Your voice sounded so thin and weak as you struggled to stop yourself from cumming right there and then. You never wanted this to end. Felix pushed two fingers inside of you, curling them up as he continued to eat you out noisily seeming not to care if someone in the house heard you right now. He was too content with making you feel good, which he was succeeding at.

"Felix," You grasped onto the sheets as though they were going to stop you from ascending to the ceiling. There was a deep burning heat inside of you and you knew you were going to finish soon,

"L-Lix." You cried out as you looked down at him with pleading eyes, if he carried on the way that he was there was no way you were going to be able to stay quiet.

"Cum for me," He smirked as he continued to suck on your clit, moving his fingers faster as you almost screamed out. You reached for the pillow as you yanked it over your mouth biting down on the softness of it, doing your best not to wake anyone up. The last thing you needed right now was for Ursala to burst through that door and see you getting tongue fucked by her brother,

Your orgasm crashed toward you as you moaned out his name into the pillow, your hips jerking up to meet his face as he continued to eat you out until you were completely down from your high. Felix moaned against your clit as you came to the tail end of your orgasm and he smirked at you.

"L-Lix." You breathed out as he slowly began to peel away his clothing, your eyes instantly went to his stomach.

"I knew you had abs," You gasped out without thinking, Felix frowned hearing the comment. You'd never mentioned that in conversation with him.

"What?"

"N-Nothing," You mumbled before he came crashing down to you again, kissing you deeply while you reached down between you to rub his cock,

"I-I don't have anything," He admitted as his cheeks flamed red as he realised that he was going to have to stop. He wasn't going to continue with the "pull-out" method.

"I'm on the pill...I'm safe," Your eyes locked and he smiled a little, slowly nodding his head.

"Me too," He whispered before quickly attacking you with hungry kisses once again, your hand stroking him faster as he let out small moans against your lips. There was no way he was going to last long if you kept doing that and he wanted to be inside of you.

"You ready?" He asked as he looked down at you, his cock in his hand as he aligned himself to you.

"Y-Yeah," You nodded before he nudged the head of his cock into your soaking wet cunt and your moans cut shut as he held his hand over your mouth,

"S-Shh baby, we don't want to wake anyone up," He chuckled as you bit down on your lip, looking up at him as he slowly began to ease himself into you. It hurt, maybe a little too much - fuck you hadn't expected him to be this big at all.

"Y-You're huge," You moaned out lowly as he blushed, he'd never taken notice of things like that before but the sound of you saying that made his cock jerk inside of you.

"It's okay...You can take it," He smirked before kissing your neck, stilling himself completely until he knew that you were ready for him to move. You gave him a small nod and he slowly began to move, his body shuddered as you clenched tightly around him.

"Shit, Yn." He moaned out as he continued to rock slowly, his lips finding your collarbone as you gripped onto his shoulders tightly.

"So fucking tight," He moaned out as your entire body began to pulsate, your pussy clenching around him at the mention of him saying that.

"Lix," You whined before he began to move ever so slowly out of you, only to push all the way back in making you scream out in pleasure.

The two of you froze, your hand over your mouth as you both stared at the door waiting for some kind of noise but there was nothing. Not even the sound of someone moving so you whimpered at him to continue with what he was doing. Right now your mind didn't care if someone came in, all you cared about was feeling him move inside of you again,

"Shh babe. We don't want someone to catch us," He chuckled deeply as he began to thrust faster into you, your legs spreading wider for him as though you were inviting him inside,

"F-Fuck, I can't, you feel so fucking good." You moaned out into your hand, your eyes locked onto his as he smirked down at you, he didn't want your hand to be in the way. In fact, he had a better idea.

"Move your hand," He ordered as he continued to thrust in and out of you with precision. His lips found yours and the kiss was hot and steamy as you ran your nails down his back.

Each moan of your name or his was pushed into the other mouth as he continued to thrust deeply and quickly, your eyes screwing shut as you felt yourself growing closer,

"Yn..." He warned as he looked down at you, his hand quickly wrapping your leg around his waist to thrust deeper inside of you.

"C-Close?" You stuttered out as he nodded at you looking a little sympathetic, he hated the fact that he was going to cum so quickly but he couldn't help it. The way you were clamping down around him was like a vice and he was desperate to finish inside of you.

"Cum," You told him as you wrapped your second leg around him, drawing him closer as his thrusts began to get more frenzied and desperate.

"You sure?" He whimpered as you nodded your head at him, bucking and clenching around him as you felt your own orgasm impending on you.

"I-I want you to." You moaned out as he shuddered a little. His hips bottoming out inside of you with each thrust of his cock stretching you around him and making you his won.

"Yn," He warned you as you sucked on his neck, but you kept going. Leaving small bite marks all over his skin as he moaned your name out lowly. Every thrust he gave to you made your body clench around him until you felt him twitching inside of you.

Your head rolled back against the pillow as you moaned out into your own hands, cumming around his cock as he began to spill out inside of you. A warmness filled you up as you let out a small whimper of his name

The two of you lay there in one another's arms for a little while and Felix smiles to himself. He really should have asked you out before he had sex with you but he couldn't help it.

"Ursala is going to kill me but...Would you like to go out sometime?" You giggled a little, resting your chin on his chest as you looked into his eyes.

"Hmm, isn't the date supposed to come before the sex?" You laughed looking at him as he nodded his head, his hand slowly ran up and down your back while you completely relaxed against his touch.

"We'll work backwards this time." You smiled and laid your head on his chest, gently running your fingers up and down his stomach,

"I'd love to go on a date with you Felix." You told him before gently kissing his chest softly and getting ready to sleep for the night. It was going to be one hell of a morning after you tell Ursala you were dating her brother.

"Felix I hate you," Ursala told him as you and he both stood at the door to your place, looking at the boys who were all smirking and making kissy faces at the two of you. Felix had just finished explaining to Ursala that he had asked you out on a date which was where the two of you were heading.

You were going to go and get breakfast somewhere in the city so that the two of you could be alone and away from the boys who were all choosing this time to tease you both for dating.

"Yn, he's so gross, why would you date my brother?" She complained playfully as you felt your body heating up a little.

"I can't help it...I think he's adorable and we have a lot in common-"

"Gross," She grumbled just as Chan walked into the living room and laughed at the conversation,

"You told her that you fucked last night?" Chan suddenly asked making you and Felix freeze and stare back at him. So someone had heard you the night before.

"What?" Ursala asked calmly, a little too calmly as you began to push Felix out of the door and break into a sprint while she yelled at you both a little too quickly that she started to sound like a rapper.

Tagline: @chiisaiblog @hanasonmi @taestannie @sw33tnight @army24--7 @acciocriativity @scarletemeterio @kimahnjung98 @halesandy @aerastus @ethereallino @afternoonteabiscuit @itmehc @heeseunger24 @laylasbunbunny

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dragons-and-dwarves-are-nice · 5 months

Text

L’histoire secrète de la mer /// Chapter 1

Hi! Welcome to the first chapter of the Fili fic. This whole story is gonna be a bit long winded, so hopefully you're all in for the long term, hope you enjoy! x

Summary: Magic was real, but it came at a price. So when two girls end up in the one place they never thought they could reach, strange things began to happen. Good or bad? That's up to them to find out.

Tags: Fili x oc/reader - Kili x oc (for this POV fic visit my navigation) - Thorin's company × ocs/reader (platonic) - fluff - angst - EXTREME slow burn - crack - Bagginshield

Word Count: 1407

Warnings: None

Taglist - comment or message to be added!

PLEASE START FROM THE BEGINNING IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY OK LOVE U

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Soon available on Wattpad and AO3

< Prologue // Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 >

PART 1: Chapter 1 -

The Ocean has its silent caves.

Aquaphile (Definition): Someone who is an enthusiast of all things related to the water. (Noun / Origin: Greek-English / a-qua-phi-le)

Lake District, Cumbria, North-West England - Modern Day Earth, August 2022

English weather truly loves to give the middle finger sometimes, especially on a day out you planned for weeks in advance.

But this is England we’re talking about, so despite the already dwindling faith you put in the weatherman, you prepare for every possible element for when you step out the front door.

I was glad I had this in mind when packing for a week trip to the Lake District. Windermere is notorious for giving not one, but two middle fingers, having more rainy days than dry in the year.

‘And just our luck, it happens today,’ I thought, my eyes boring holes into the drawing on my tablet. The rolling grey skies grew darker from the curtains of rain hammering down into the soil, and periodically, the shuttle bus would sway slightly from the aggressive wind, creating a silent feeling of unease for the small group of passengers taking the ride to the hostel.

Feeling my frustration grow, I prodded aggressively at the ‘undo’ button, trying my best to ignore the way the swaying vehicle would cause my pen to jerk about. Shifting my legs to get more comfortable, I squinted at the bright screen, scouring for any imperfections in the drawing I was seconds away from giving up. Satisfied with what I has so far, I carried on.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kate to my right as she leant down to pick up and rummage through her bag, pulling out a small book on glaciers. I had practically thrown it at her head once she had proposed the idea travelling up to the lakes. We spent a week packing, with me almost bringing down the entire bookshelf trying to find my geography books (as Kate so graciously put it), that now took up the entire bottom of my rucksack.

She read for a while, but eventually her eyes began to droop, sweeping around tiredly at what was around her. I remained in my shrimp position, headphones on and blasting music as I carried on with my drawing. Kate propped her legs up, resting the book on her knees as she took out the bookmark and started reading from where she left off, and I returned to my tablet, both of us tuning out the murmurs and whispers of the other holiday makers around us.

Around twenty minutes of quiet passed, until the driver up front announced our arrival would be soon, causing a stir as everyone began to gather their bags. Kate nudged my knee with the book in her hand, waiting as I slipped my headphones off and around my neck,

“Pack your stuff away,” she whispered, “I’ll make sure to get the booking up.”

Both of us began our respectable jobs, I made sure everything that had been brought out on the ride was back in its place, whilst Kate scrolled her phone until she brought up the booking reference. Considering the rainy weather, we both slipped on our raincoats before slinging the bags over our shoulders, waiting for the bus to slow to a stop. Soon enough, with both hoods pulled up, we squeezed down the aisle along with everyone else and stepped out into the fierce winds and rain.

The sound of the continuous downpour and gravel crunching underfoot filled my ears as I scoured the surrounding area for the hostel. Said hostel was some ways down the winding lane in front of us, nestled within a wide valley surrounded by green, speckled hills smothered with trees, curving down to cradle the small building that stood politely at the bottom. Running from the top of the valley down past the hostel was a small river, threatening to burst at the banks from the onslaught of torrential downpour.

A freak gust of wind and the noise of the shuttle bus pulling away seemed to usher everyone forward, and we began the trudge through the churned up mud and soaking puddles. By the looks on everyone faces, we were all desperate to escape the miserable weather as swiftly as possible.

“Tomorrow better be the light clouds we were promised,” I groaned over the noise, my face twisting in further annoyance as I looked down to find my shoes and trousers were already caked in mud, “cuz I don’t wanna be stuck in a dingy hostel waiting for all this to blow over.”

Kate hummed tiredly in reply, agreeing since despite how much we adored the rain, this type of weather wasn’t ideal for hiking up mountains in, no matter how much of an adventure it would be. But tomorrow could wait, since right now, nothing but a warm drink and comfy bed could satisfy us until tomorrow.

After slipping over almost twice, whilst quietly laughing at those who did, we crossed the threshold of the hostel, kicking off our mud clogged hiking boots immediately as to not tread dirt all over the place. We also made sure to give one of the men from the bus stink eye as he trampled past, doing quite the opposite, smearing whatever, wherever, much to the dismay of the poor lady at the desk. Thank god any carpet was yet to appear.

Approaching the desk, I gently placed my boots on the floor as I watched Kate display the booking on my phone to the lady behind it. She reached under the desk and brought out a set of two keys, handing them over. We thanked her politely and wandered further into the building, leaving her with the now nervous man who had finally noticed what was on the bottom of his shoes.

Meandering upstairs and down a few corridors of the small hostel, the door sign eventually matched the key.

“Finally!” Kate exclaimed in relief, excitedly twisting the key in the lock until she felt a click.

I turned to her with a face of mocked exasperation.

“13?” I questioned. “Weren’t there at least ten rooms available with a different number?”

“It’s my lucky number,” she stated nonchalantly, using her shoulder to budge the door open. She emptied one hand of luggage onto the floor to flip the light switch. “It’s quite funny watching the looks on people’s faces when I tell them.”

With an amused roll of my eyes, I followed in and dumped my own bags on the floor. With light now illuminating the room, we turned to inspect our surroundings.

The room was nothing special, just a plain and simple double bedroom; two single beds; a pair of small bedside drawers sat in between, small lamps on top; two wardrobes pushed against the walls at the foot of each bed; and a few portraits depicting the natural surroundings hung up on the walls.

Like I said, plain and simple.

Tucking my shoes into the corner, I crossed the room with Kate trailing behind and clambered over the creaking bed on the right to reach to window. Gazing out into the valley, I realised the rain had slowed to a stop, now able to make out the details of the thick forest outside. Picking up a key that had been left on the windowsill, I flicked off bits of rust that had begun to form on the metal before carefully slotting it into the keyhole and twisting. Pulling the handle up, I swung open the window, taking a deep inhale as I breathed in the fresh breeze that replaced the stagnant air inside.

After taking in our weeklong view, an hour or so was spent putting away everything we had brought. Kate had overpacked as usual, so I lent her half a drawer, in exchange for the window side. Shoes and wash bags were left by the door since the bathrooms were communal instead of personal.

The remainder of the day was us mostly chilling in our room, taking a couple visits downstairs to explore the rest of the building and eat in the small canteen, before heading to bed for the night.

The next few days trudged by contently as we explored the surrounding area, visiting the nearby towns and returning to our room with a concerning amount of bags brimming with gift shop items. I had gone a little crazy after spotting a fossil shop, if the bag containing half a dozen at the foot of my bed said anything. However, tomorrow’s plans were different.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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valyalyon · 2 months

Text

August, 2024

CW: Brief sexual descriptions, cheating, affair.

August 1, 2024.

Today is Theo’s 1st birthday! I woke up early today to start setting up everything for a playdate birthday party with Anthony.

I can’t believe how fast he’s growing.

The whole day and into the afternoon, I spent it playing with Theo and Anthony. Sara and Julius had been working and so I had been left to entertain the kids and I didn’t mind at all. I loved spending time with Anthony, he was sweet and looked a lot like Julius. Most importantly though, it was Theo’s birthday and I couldn’t help myself but to celebrate with them.

I took pictures of Theo and everything I had set up, and looked at the clock, realizing that it was getting time for Julius to get home from work. Sara had already gotten home, but immediately had left again with a girlfriend to go clubbing. Sara worked 3 days out of the week, but she had a habit of going out every single night. Sometimes she would return home by 2am, other times not until 10 or 11am.

I quickly gathered the boys up to put them to bed, as they had exerted a lot of energy and were ready to sleep the night away. I decided I would clean up the party as soon as I got them to sleep.

When I came down, in a rush to clean everything up, I quickly noticed that everything was already done. Balloons were tied up and put in a corner, stuffed animals sat together on the sofa, play mat put away, and the light of the kitchen was on.

Julius stood in the kitchen, putting a now clean cake knife away.

I walked into the kitchen, “thank you, Julius. I was going to do it as soon as the boys were asleep… I’m sorry.”

“you’re okay, I appreciate you taking care of Anthony,” Julius said, turning to walk towards me.

He stopped right in front of me, and then cleared his throat, “can I hug you?”

I nodded, and opened my arms to accept him. This was the first time we had touched since I left two years earlier. He embraced me tightly and I squeezed back.

Neither of us spoke for a couple of seconds, but when we started to pull away, he paused, slightly holding me in place.

When I looked at him, my eyes were up to his, just two inches from one another. His hand slightly moved along my back, up towards my neck.

Before he could do anything, I quickly pulled away, “sorry, I think I heard Theo.” And I quickly rushed off.

August 8, 2024.

To celebrate my 24th birthday, Sara got a cake, a bunch of alcohol, and had the idea that we stay up watching movies. Julius was there with us, so he too celebrated in the drinking.

Sara had gotten home that day at 10am and hadn’t slept, so after about 3 drinks on the couch, she started to pass out, and caught herself, “fuck, I’m going to bed, I’m exhausted.”

She got up quickly from the couch and drunkenly stumbled into the guest bedroom down in the basement. She closed the door behind her and we heard the creaking bed as she passed out onto it.

“Want another shot?” Julius asked me, sitting down beside me on the sofa with a bottle of vodka.

“Only if you have another,” I told him.

“My glass is right there,” he nodded towards the coffee table at our feet, and I held up my glass to him.

He filled mine, and then his, and then we both downed the shot together. Then another. And another.

“Fuck,” I moaned.

“You feel so fucking good,” his breath was hot against my neck, his cock pulling in and out of me repeatedly.

“You’re still massive,” I gasped, and he pulled me into a kiss.

August 16, 2024.

The next time we were alone, we had an argument.

“Why the fuck did you leave?” He asked, furiously, but barely raising his voice. Most of his anger was in his dark eyes.

“I don’t know. I had so much going on in my mind, I wasn’t well,” I explained as best as I could without having to explain the real reason.

“I was going to propose to you! August 16, 2022, I was planning on proposing to you. I had been ring shopping. I was going to go pick up the ring I had chosen and pay for it. But I never got to do that because you were gone before the end of July!”

“I’m sorry, Julius… I really didn’t think you would have forgiven me. Did you want me to move out with Theo? I can get out of your way, you don’t have to see me again if I’m drudging up too much… we’ve already made a mistake by having sex, maybe the best thing is for me to go and you can maybe still preserve your marriage,” I reasoned.

He looked at me so angrily.

Then, he shook his head. “I don’t want you to leave but maybe we just go back to a little bit of space between us. I don’t regret having sex with you, and she doesn’t know.”

“That doesn’t mean it’ll happen again,” I interrupted him, wanting to make my stance clear.

“No,” he said.

Note From Valya

Julius and Dolores have overstepped a boundary! More descriptive scenes coming very soon!! See below for more of Dreams, Ink and Embers.

DIE MASTER LIST OR #LYONDIE

#writeblr #creative writing #dark romance #writers of tumblr #writing #literature #booklr #writers on tumblr #smut #original story #LYONDIE #BLUESTLYON #spicy books

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touchingmadness · 2 years

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✦ Writeblr Reintroduction ✦

a sff writer makes a heroic return to her writeblr account after a year of relative inactivity! the audience gasps! a return!? after so long!? is that allowed!? but our heroine has no care for what is allowed! she scoffs in the face of mockery!

Hey everyone! I’m Mae Crowe (@touchingmadness)! Some of you might already know me, but most considering the upheaval in the Writeblr community recently... Well, most of you probably don’t. I’ve been on Writeblr for six years as of August 2022, but I’ve been relatively inactive for the past year due to senior year of college, thesis work, and job applications.

In the time I’ve been away, I have a new contemporary fantasy WIP in the second draft that I am excited to share, as well as three WIPs in planning stages that I’m hoping to share somewhere down the road. I am also looking for some writers and WIPs to follow, because how else do you make friends on here?

[Banner made using “Astrolava’s character creator!” picrew.]

More about me, my writing, and what I'm looking to follow below the cut. Signal boosts allowed and appreciated!

✦ About Me ✦

Again, I’m Mae Crowe (she/her). I’m 22 years old and a recent graduate with a degree in communication. In terms of hobbies, I enjoy reading, writing, cosplay, and being an utter nuisance about Star Trek. I’m biromantic-asexual, and a hopeless romantic who sadly only develops infrequent crushes and basically gets possessed by a clumsy, bumbling gentleman every time they do occur. Yes, that’s just as embarrassing as it sounds.

✦ My Writing ✦

Humanity ✦ Societal failings ✦ Consequences ✦ Hope in the dark

I don’t really limit myself to a particular genre, but I tend to favor science-fiction and fantasy. My themes are generally pretty consistent, and my storylines tend to revolve around a character’s introspection and self-actualization. Most of my work is either adult or NA due to the heavier themes I like to play with, as well as just preferring to write at least marginally older characters.

✦ Main WIP: Touched ✦

My current WIP is an NA contemporary fantasy novel about an adult “Chosen One” dealing with the realization that the organization she dedicated her childhood caused her incredible harm. At its core, it’s about how parents and authority fail us and moving past childhood trauma to build the life we want. It’s her journey of growing up, dual POV with her supposed-dead mortal enemy, and yes, of course they have a romantic arc, even if I consider the story’s focus to be on their individual development. But they’re bi4bi and ace4ace M/F, if that’s what it takes to sell someone. And the female lead is touch averse and it’s not treated as something to be fixed because I am Touch Averse and Bitter. :))))

(This is incredibly oversimplified, so let me know if you would like to be notified when the full introduction is released later this week.)

✦ Other WIPs ✦

I also have three projects that are in the planning stages that I might choose to share down the road. I can’t guarantee any of these will be formally released soon, but there’s a good chance they’ll be mentioned at least in passing.

Adult space opera. A crew of female and fem-presenting aliens go on a space road trip to ruin the wedding of the human playboy who toyed with them, building bonds with each other in the process.

Adult post-apocalyptic sci-fi. Severely wounded in a violent raid, an amnesiac man is taken in by the household of the legendary Eternal One, a mysterious and warped survivor from the Before Times.

NA contemp queer romance. A notorious flirt poses as her best friend’s boyfriend on a family vacation to help her avoid the fallout of a nasty breakup, causing hijinks and a gender crisis.

Again, I can’t guarantee that any of these will be formerly released, but if you’re interested in being alerted if/when any of them are posted, let me know.

✦ Looking For ✦

I’m looking for writers and WIPs to follow! If you’re active in the community, involved in events, or generally just share a lot (writing, tips, or whatever), I’d love to check out your blog! I likely won’t follow everyone, but I’m currently following practically no one... So...

In terms of WIPs, my favorite things are:

Contemp fantasy, soft sci-fi, gothic fantasy, genre-bending spec fic, space operas

NA or adult audience

Complicated characters, complicated relationship dynamics

Ace-spec, aro-spec, bi, and/or sapphic POV characters

Trope subversion and social commentary

Ultimately hopeful and/or cathartic stories

Creepy, quirky, and/or existential vibes

Shenanigans, humor, absurdity, and/or permission to have fun

These aren’t the only things I read, just my favorites. The only thing I probably won’t consider at all is fanfiction, simply due to fic compatibility. Just let me know what you’re excited about sharing, I’d love to hear about it!

Feel free to introduce yourself or your work in the thread, in the tags, in asks, or in DMs. I’m really excited to get to know all of you!!!

#writeblr #writeblr intro #writeblr reintro #writing #new writeblr #writeblr search #writing community #science fiction #fantasy #speculative fiction #write away my friends

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rcsejunie · 1 year

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afar; na jaemin [46]

AUGUST 2022

Jaemin’s hands were sweating. His throat still feels dry even after drinking 3 glasses of water. He was beyond nervous. What did Dami want to talk about? Is it important? Is she trying to get back together? He was coming up with all sorts of scenarios but there was one he didn’t want to think about. Dami moving out of Seoul. He had heard it from Chenle – just rumors – talks that Dami was gonna move somewhere. It was just in passing that he mentioned it but Jaemin can’t quite get it out of his head.

He was getting closer to the cafe they used to always go to. The decorations were the same, the small benches in front of the cafe were the same, but they were not. He walked in and was met by the girl he couldn’t wait to meet. Dami’s back was visible from where he was standing. He dragged his feet slowly to where she sat.

Finally reaching his destination, the two locked eyes. None of them said anything and Jaemin didn’t immediately sit down. He was still wearing his mask and bucket hat so Dami couldn’t study his face. But Jaemin could see hers perfectly. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, just some leftover mascara from the day before. Her hair was tied in a low ponytail and her lips were dry. Both her hands were holding the coffee that looked like it was already cold by the time he arrived. And then her eyes watered. He could see clearly that her nose started to turn red – not because of the cold – but because her eyes were tearing up. She quickly put her head down and pointed at the seat in front of her.

“You can sit down.” She said,

“Right.” He mumbled. He sat down as he took off his mask, “Hi.”

“Hi.” A beat passed and no one said anything.

“Why did you.. What did you wanna talk about?” He nervously asked.

“I–” She stopped, bracing herself for the words she’s about to speak, “I’m quitting.”

He didn’t react. He kept his eyes trained on her waiting for more explanation, “But I’m not just quitting. I’m also moving.”

This was what he was afraid of.

“I put in my two weeks notice last week. So this week is my last week with SM. My new job starts in two weeks so I’ll move out by the end of next week.”

He still didn’t say anything, but his eyes were still unwavering from her face. Even when she was looking down at her coffee, “Where?”

“New york.” His heart sank.

“New york?” She nodded. Then his eyes fell, “You’re leaving for New York next week?” She nodded again, keeping her silence, “When have you been planning to leave Korea?”

“Not too long ago honestly,” She answered in a quiet voice, “The opportunity came by and it felt like the right time.”

“The right time?”

“To leave Korea.”

“To leave Korea…” Jaemin kept repeating everything she said. It was like he couldn’t believe what was happening in front of him, "and is this... is this what– what you want?"

"Honestly, I don't know." She answered truthfully, "But I know it's the best for me now. I can't be here, Jaemin. And it's not your fault. Please don't even for a second think this is because of you. I'm just... not strong enough to be here."

He words were to honest that he felt his lips quiver. She was being her most vulnerable in front of him. Without realizing he shed a tear.

"I'm gonna start crying if you cry." She whispered, already head down hiding her face.

"Sorry," He quickly wiped his tears away. He calmed himself down and tried to stop his tears but it wasn't working. More tears kept coming out and instead of hiding it, he was looking at her straight on, "I miss you."

She was sobbing by this point. Her head still looking down, hands on her lap, "Me too."

"Can we– meet up more? before you leave? if you don't want to it's okay– i'm not... I just want to be with you awhile longer." Jaemin stuttered.

"I'd love that, Jaem."

note–i think there's probably like 2/3 chapters left before i wrap this up!!!!

FORTY SIX. mlist | previous | next

pairing—jaemin x fem!oc (idol!jaemin, friends to lovers to ex to ?, staff!oc, stylist!oc)

summary—in 2019, kang dami, was lucky enough to be given a spot as a stylist at sm entertainment. shadowing multiple stylists before officially becoming a full time staff member in 2020 and started working mainly to be NCT Dream’s stylists. a story about an idol and a staff member sharing intimate temporary moments together. in which, they both lost the war.

[ taglist. @yoonrimin @moonlightholland @tamakofever @maeumiluv @ohdudehesflirting @qpollos @artgukkx @sehunniepot @shiverbears @marijmin @woni-e @sol123recs @keemburley @giverosespls @j-8star @iwouldbangchan @vapingcandy @jeongintwt @faefullsun ]

#afarnjm #jaemin #najaemin #jaeminna #jaemin imagine #jaemin fic #smau #nct scenario #nct smau #social media au #nct social media au #jaemin smau #nct dream headcanons #nct #nct dream #nct dream imagine #nct imagine #na jaemin #na jaemin imagine

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kinnaman-smorgasbord · 2 years

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Kelly Gale & Joel Kinnaman's Getaway — Vogue Scandinavia 2022 Aug/Sep Issue

“We had some real, underlying issues”: Joel and Kelly on the realities of a very modern, Hollywood romance

By Allyson Shiffman

August 16, 2022

Photo: Ellen von Unwerth

Joel Kinnaman and Kelly Gale can’t keep their hands off each other. Outrageously attractive and unabashedly in love, the recently-engaged Swedish power couple are a fairytale come to life. But, as it turns out, the road to happily ever after was filled with plot twists, obstacles and a proposal that played out considerably different from how it appeared on Instagram. Ellen von Unwerth captures their steamy love story at the Kinnaman’s country house for Vogue Scandinavia's anniversary issue

Joel Kinnaman and Kelly Gale are lying on a small patch of beach two hours north of Stockholm, kissing. It is a moment so intimate, it appears they have forgotten the 10 or so onlookers and the snap of photographer Ellen von Unwerth’s camera. “I almost feel embarrassed to watch,” remarks our fashion assistant. One bystander, however, is unbothered; Zoe, Joel and Kelly’s rescue dog, saunters into the scene and plops down on the beach directly between the couple and the camera, her wagging black tail whomping Kelly in the face.

On the drive home from the Kinnaman’s summer property, a vast plot of seaside land with several structures and enough beds to house an expanding family, the entire Vogue Scandinavia team will remark on the magic of this couple. So wildly attractive, so unabashedly in love and so prepared to embark on their next chapter – marriage, children, further career milestones.

“Are we going to tell the real story?” Kelly asks Joel with a grin when I inquire about their engagement, announced via Instagram early last year. A couple of weeks have passed since our cover shoot at the country house when Joel, Kelly and I meet for lunch in a private suite at Stockholm’s Diplomat Hotel. During the five or so minutes that we wait to be let up, Joel receives a hello and a fist-bump from an acquaintance in the lobby - proof that though he now lives in Malibu, he will always be a Stockholm boy.

We enter the suite and the 42-year-old actor places his Acne Studios shopping bag by the door (“Kelly got a jacket”) and we settle in around the dining room table. It began, as many modern romances do, with a DM. “It went down in the DMs,” Joel sings, referencing the 2016 Yo Gotti hit. It was not a move that typically worked on the 27-year-old who, as a Victoria’s Secret model, was accustomed to receiving messages from well-known bachelors. “Usually I would go in and see that the guy follows all of the Victoria’s Secret models,” she says. “But I went on his profile and he was only following me and, like, 100 people.” The only person they had in common was Barack Obama. “I passed the first test,” says Joel, proudly.

Seven months later, after one failed attempt to get her to join him at a UFC fight in New York, Joel managed to take Kelly on a sushi date in Los Angeles... sort of. “It was a little bit weird, because I had been trying to get out of my current relationship for a while,” Kelly says. It was an on-again-off-again situation with a guy she had been with since high school. So she assured herself that it wasn’t a date, that they were just “two people meeting up.” They didn’t even hug, but the chemistry was there.

The second meet-up was a hike in Malibu. “And then I got a hug,” says Joel, before quickly correcting himself. “Well...I didn’t get a hug, I gave her a hug.” Kelly interjects, “You tried to kiss me.” Joel was all in – he had already brought up the notion of having kids. When Kelly returned to New York, she officially called things off with her boyfriend.

Both Kelly and Joel came to be born in Sweden via unusual circumstances. Kelly’s mother was born in India and adopted by a Swedish family as a child. She met Kelly’s father, an Australian, while travelling in Thailand and returned with him to Gothenburg to start their family. “I honestly haven’t spent that much of my life here because we lived in Ghana for several years of my childhood,” Kelly explains. At 12, she was spotted by a model scout and shortly thereafter she was travelling the world. She walked her first Victoria’s Secret runway in 2013.

As for Joel, his American father, Steve Kinnaman, was drafted into the military during the Vietnam war. While stationed in Bangkok, befriending Europeans for the very first time and even attending the wedding of a half-Vietnamese bride, he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that things didn’t “seem right.” When Steve received his orders to be shipped into combat, he decided he “wasn’t going to participate in the war.”

He burned his passport and went on the run, eventually escaping to Sweden and applying for political asylum. “And then he met my mum and they started a family,” Joel says. Today Steve and Bitte Kinnaman live full-time at the family summer house. On the day of our cover shoot, they warmly greeted our team, even offering up bathing suits to borrow in case anyone wanted to take a swim after we wrapped.

A knock at the door indicates lunch has arrived. Steamed white fish and veggies for both Joel and Kelly. “He’s on my Victoria’s Secret diet right now,” says Kelly, a self-described foodie and armchair nutritionist. Joel is preparing for a role that requires him to shed all his hard-earned muscles. I ask him how it’s going. “Oh, it’s miserable,” he says. “Luckily he never saw me get ready for the Victoria’s Secret show, or we would not have been a couple,” says Kelly.

Kelly was a “completely different person from now” on her first non-date with Joel. Gregarious and easy-going by nature, Joel loosened her up – taught her to enjoy life more. Brought out her goofy side. “I think it was her competitiveness and her professionalism that was getting in the way of everything,” he says, turning to Kelly. “You kind of realised that maybe you didn’t want to sacrifice everything for your career. It was sort of like...it’s not all going to fall apart if you have a little bit of this or try doing that. If you don’t allow yourself to try different things and see what you like and don’t like, what’s it all for?”

Kelly had gone from a “strict” household (her word) to a strict career. “It was very much ‘this is right and this is wrong’,” she explains. When she began pursuing modelling, the people around her were not entirely supportive, suggesting that she would fail or turn to drugs. Her competitive nature drove her to prove them dead wrong, to “never do a drug” and “never drink.”

As she describes it, she set up strict rules and boundaries for herself, so she could succeed in the competitive modelling landscape while protecting her mental and physical health. But then came Joel, who operates in shades of grey – open to experiences and various ways of seeing things. A no-bullshit, heart on his sleeve kind of guy (his mum is a therapist). It was refreshing and unexpected. “I was never gonna end up with some one with tattoos,” she says. Now she wants one herself – a homage to the couple’s two rescue dogs.

Joel is no stranger to a career-oriented physical transformation, current diet inclusive. He’s gone big and buff as Rick Flag in Suicide Squad and Takeshi Kovacs in Altered Carbon and gaunt and pale as a tweaker-turned-detective in The Killing. For Joel, discovering acting was somewhat of a revelation. “I didn’t grow up thinking I was going to amount to much and I wasn’t really good at anything,” he says.

“It felt like all of a sudden, life had meaning in a way and it was a purpose and a goal. So when I started doing my first characters, I was prepared to be very self-destructive to get to where I needed to be.” Fulfilling the old school perception of the tortured artist, Joel was ready and willing to “embrace the darkness” if that’s what was called for.

These days he approaches things differently, drawing from personal experience without spiralling into depression or bouts of anxiety. “If I’m playing someone that’s an alcoholic, I don’t have to go on a six-week bender,” he says. When I ask if he’s referring to a specific role, he admits that he’s “dabbled in stuff that has been connected to a character,” mentioning The Killing specifically. “But wasn’t he, like, a meth addict?” I ask. “Yes,” he responds. Next up, Joel will play a revenge-seeking father in the John Woo-directed Silent Night. Presumably, no revenge was taken in preparation.

Lately Kelly has caught the acting bug as well. She had done theatre as a kid, but when modelling “took over” she abandoned the idea of acting, even as major self-tape requests came rolling in. She was asked to tape for Zendaya’s role in Dune, but she didn’t get around to it because she “didn’t want to send in a half ass tape or do a shitty job.” The audition request, however, coupled with the lack of model-related travelling during the pandemic, spurred her to dive into acting with signature dedication, working with a coach and self-taping obsessively.

“It’s a lot of work though, for me,” says Joel. “I’m captain self-tape at this point.” Kelly interjects, “He wants to direct, so it’s perfect.” The long hours have paid off – Kelly stars in forthcoming action film The Plane opposite Gerard Butler as well as a Netflix film, Uglies. “Now I’m prepared and ready to audition for Dune 2 instead,” she adds.

With their careers and relationship thriving, there was only one thing left to do: get engaged. Judging by their celebratory Instagram posts, the charming proposal anecdote recounted by Joel on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and that big, beautiful ring, it looked from the outside like the engagement played out like a fairytale (save for the fact that they nearly got arrested for hiking on private property in Hawaii). But here it comes – the aforementioned “real story”.

“I had said to Joel three weeks earlier that I am not ready to get married,” says Kelly. She had been saying it for months, in fact, repeatedly. She had told her friends and family that she was not ready for an engagement. She said that if Joel were to ask for their blessing or for assistance picking out a ring, that they were to stop him. She wanted to get engaged, just maybe “six months later.” Joel figured she didn’t really mean it. “Well, you don’t decide when I propose,” he told her.

Kelly’s response? “Well, you don’t decide the answer.” In January 2021, without consulting anyone, Joel bought a ring and planned the cinematic sunrise proposal. “I said yes, but I was kind of pissed,” Kelly says, adding, “It would have been so awkward if I had said no.”

After the engagement, Kelly felt “confused.” “I started Googling ‘sad after engagement’,” she says (as it turns out, it’s “a thing”). Given that she’s a moderate-sharer on Instagram, she felt obligated to post some thing romantic to commemorate the moment. “Yours forever,” she wrote beneath a selfie of her and Joel kissing, the ring centre stage. Now the whole world thought they were happily engaged, but things at home were still “weird”. “We had some real, underlying issues,” Joel now admits. “Like, foundational issues in our relationship that we hadn’t solved.”

He knew things weren’t perfect – what relationship is? – but he saw the engagement as a “doubling down.” The sort of guy to face things head on, Joel figured once they got engaged, all of the “heavy shit” between them would work itself out. “For me, it was like, I want this relationship to work. I want Kelly, I love her,” he says. Ever the pragmatist, Kelly wanted to solve their problems first, before committing to spending the rest of their lives together. She stopped wearing the ring.

In hindsight, she credits the mistimed engagement to her and Joel working through their “shit”. The mistimed engagement, and therapy. Or rather, a coach, named Mark. “We f ***ing love this guy,” says Joel. “Everyone deserves a Mark in their life.” They saw him “once or twice a week for almost a month,” working through their “deeper shit”. Building a foundation. “It was really brutal and painful, but then we got through it and it was like...” Joel mimes his brain exploding. “It felt like our relationship really started,” says Kelly. They agree that now, three years after they first went for sushi, they are in their honeymoon phase. Today she’s wearing her ring.

These days they still see Mark, though less regularly. They have the confidence to get through the tough parts – to weather the sometimes-chaos of a full life spent together. “Mark asked us if we play tennis, which we do,” says Joel. “He taught us that in a relationship, you’re always playing doubles, on the same team.” “Now I want to get married,” says Kelly. She turns to Joel and says, sweetly, “I love you so much.”

youtube

Photographer: Ellen von Unwerth Stylist: Ursula Wångander Talents: Kelly Gale and Joel Kinnaman Hair Stylist: Karolina Liedberg Makeup Artist: Anya De Tobon Nail Artist: Aida Ahadpour Photographer Assistants: Nominoe Queinnec, Mattias Sätterström Stylist Assistant: Amelie Langenskiöld Digital Operator: Gustaf Hagstrand Production: Kornelia Eklund Production Assistant: Anton Nilsson, Rebecka Thorén

#joel kinnaman #kelly gale #vogue scandinavia #magazine #interview #photoshoot #Youtube

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crinkled-emotions · 5 months

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Day 3: "I'm not going anywhere; nice try."

Fam... I have had a day (it's only 1pm lmao)

I wrote this a couple days ago, did a final cut last night to make sure it was satisfactory, closed my laptop screen and didn't think much of it... then my lovely Macbook decided to update overnight and didn't save the original fic and I looked everywhere but I couldn't recover it 🤦‍♀️

The good news is I had some notes left and the first paragraph or so written in my goodnotes!

Ship: Rhett Abbott (Outer Range) x OC (Hadley)

If you are looking for more of Hadley and Rhett, check out part of the first fic I wrote for them in August 2022 here!

Rhett pressed a kiss to Hadley’s temple as he walked around where she was standing in the entrance waiting for him to get ready. They’d flown into San Diego that morning and Hadley could already feel her nervous energy rubbing off on Rhett. He didn’t love flying but when Robert called he didn’t hesitate. Robert, from what Hadley could understand, was Rhett’s estranged twin brother.

“How long has it been since you spoke to your brother?” Hadley asked as she watched Rhett move around their motel room. He shrugged.

“Jus’ turned 18, I guess. He didn’t want to stay on the ranch so dad made it clear he couldn’t come home when he washed out.”

“Sounds like he’s doing well for himself. A Lieutenant is a big deal, right?”

Rhett slowly exhaled, pausing his nervous pacing.

“S’pose so.”

Hadley put her handbag down, extending her hand to her partner.

“Are you sure you want me there? It’s okay if you don’t, I can-“

“-he said his team’s gonna be there. I want you to meet him. Bobby’s the only normal Abbott out of all of us. Started using his middle name as his last ages ago, made it hard to track him down.”

Rhett lifted Hadley’s wrist to check the time on her watch then gestured to the door.

“Should get a move on.”

The minute Hadley walked into the bar she immediately relaxed. Despite dozens of people in various uniforms milling about she could tell this was a good neutral ground for Rhett and Robert. Rhett kept a gentle hand on her arm as he navigated the crowd, occasionally double checking she was still behind him. Hadley couldn’t help but look around, so distracted by the bar’s décor and jovial atmosphere that she almost didn’t realise Rhett had stopped mid-step until she walked into his back. She snapped back to attention, about to scold him, when she felt his shoulder relax.

“Rhett.”

“Bobby.”

A long pause. The blonde man sitting beside Rhett’s twin at the table sighed, nudging the brunette woman on his other side.

“The last time it was this awkward, Tash, we found out Rooster’s pseudo-dad was-“

“-right here, Hangman.”

Hadley watched a shorter brunette man walk past, swatting at Hangman’s head in passing. Hadley cleared her throat, gently stepping around Rhett to offer his twin a handshake.

“It’s great to finally meet you, Robert, I’ve heard so many great things. I’m Hadley; Rhett’s girlfriend.”

“Please, call him Bob, he’s forgotten his words. I’m Natasha, Bob’s pilot. Everyone uses callsigns around here; mine’s Phoenix.”

Natasha shook Hadley’s hand for her friend. Finally, Rhett snapped out of his awkward daze and he took Bob by the arm.

“Saw a table out the front; think we could talk alone?”

“Uh- yeah. Yeah, sure.”

The two men walked out of the bar, leaving Hadley standing by the other pilots. She winced, but Phoenix gestured for her to take Bob’s now empty seat. Hadley slid on to the leather and she had a cold beer in front of her in seconds.

“Hadley, right?”

It was one of the other men at the table; he had kind eyes, beautiful dark skin and the moustache he was sporting rivalled one of the other pilots wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

“Yeah...?”

“Payback. Let me introduce you to the others.”

He made quick work of it; Rooster, Fanboy, Coyote, and of course Hangman.

Hadley wondered what he’d done to earn that callsign.

“Australian, right?” Phoenix asked. Hadley agreed.

“What part of Australia?”

Phoenix had reached across the table for Rooster’s beer, taking a sip only to hand it back to him. He rolled his eyes but didn’t outwardly complain; too busy looking toward where Bob and Rhett had gone outside.

“Victoria. You’ve been there?”

“Me and Hangman flew water jets in Western Australia a while back. We both got heat exhaustion, put us in the medbay overnight.”

“I can imagine, I competed over there and I remember getting a sunburn so bad I couldn’t sit in the saddle.”

Hadley too glanced toward the doors, biting her lip. She felt someone gently touch her arm and found it was Phoenix.

“I had no idea Bob had brothers, let alone a twin until a couple days ago. I can’t imagine how you feel.”

“Confused, mostly,” Hadley confessed, “there’s no mention of Bob in the Abbott house and they don’t even share a last name. To say I’m shocked is an understatement.”

Phoenix hummed.

“It’s not my story to tell, I barely got it out of him yesterday, but Bob... he had his reasons.”

“I know.”

Hadley squeezed her shoulder, falling into conversation with the rest of Bob’s team.

Rhett and Bob reappeared almost an hour and a half later. No one mentioned the fact that Bob’s eyes were red rimmed behind his glasses and Rhett didn’t look much better, squeezing Hadley’s shoulder as he dragged another chair over to the table. Bob and Phoenix squeezed on to her seat together but it was Hangman who leaned over to whisper to him, brows furrowed at their hushed conversation. Hadley glanced over her shoulder to Rhett who cleared his throat.

“You don’t have to stay, Hads, I’ll be okay.”

She still felt that pit in her stomach, the tightness in her chest. She’d been feeling it ever since Rhett sat her down two days ago and told her about Bob. She smiled, nudging his shoulder.

“I’m not going anywhere; nice try.”

“Hadley; Bob tells me you’re a barrel racer?”

Hadley snapped out of their moment, turning to Hangman.

“I started camp drafting when I was a kid but I found the barrels a lot more interesting.”

“You have a horse here?”

“Bought Jester almost a year ago, he’s great.”

Rhett’s hand stayed on Hadley’s back, dropping a kiss to her forehead. She squeezed his hand, falling into the conversation.

“Wait, wait. Repeat the name of that place again?”

Hadley grinned.

“I grew up in Tiddybong, just outside of Wycheproof. From there I went to Werribee because I had a 3DE stint in my teenage years, and then I-“

Rooster started choking on his beer. Payback stifled giggles behind his hand while Fanboy’s brows shot up. She felt Rhett’s chest rumble when he started laughing too.

“Alright, fuck you. Take the piss, assholes.”

That earned snorts of laughter. Hadley would take it as a win.

Back in the motel room that night, Hadley took a seat on the end of the bed and reached for her bottle of moisturiser. Rhett was half asleep (read: tipsy) against the headboard, but he was also grinning and he’d hugged Bob on their way out of the bar with a promise to see him for breakfast in the morning. With her legs moisturised Hadley climbed under the covers and reached for her phone. Rhett frowned when he saw who she was texting.

“You and Phoenix hit it off?”

“No, I’m texting a photo of Jester to Hangman. I promised.”

Rhett snorted.

“You think him and my brother are together?”

“That’s not a can of worms for tonight. How did your talk go?”

“We’ve got some work to do if we want to fix shit, but...”

He shrugged.

“He’s my little brother, y’know?”

“Aren’t you two twins?”

“He’s five minutes younger.”

Hadley smiled, leaning over to kiss him.

“Gotta stay humble, right?”

“Stick to your roots.”

“The only roots you should be sticking to is me, Rhett.”

Rhett laughed.

“Say that in public, I dare you.”

“You know I would.”

Hadley leaned against Rhett’s shoulder, holding her phone screen out to him when it buzzed.

“Twenty bucks he’s sleeping with your brother.”

“That means shit in our currency.”

“Exactly.”

#Outer Range #Rhett Abbott #Top Gun: Maverick #Top Gun Maverick #TGM #Robert Bob Floyd #Robert Floyd #Bob #Callsign: Bob

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purple-cat-demon · 1 year

Text

I posted 548 times in 2022

12 posts created (2%)

536 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cheri-translates

@xxgoblin-dumplingxx

@hifftn

@thatfanfictionchick

@yourssinfullyquiche

I tagged 525 of my posts in 2022

Only 4% of my posts had no tags

#mlqc - 370 posts

#mlqc gavin - 322 posts

#cheri sundae - 228 posts

#artist: norelle-n - 67 posts

#mlqc spoilers - 65 posts

#mr love queen's choice - 60 posts

#love and producer - 60 posts

#mlqc cn - 54 posts

#恋与制作人 - 34 posts

#artist: 喵哦哦哦哦哦 - 33 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#the truth is it's like this. bc i started last summer and gave up but. today was a shaw day and i said screw it its getting. finished.

My Top Posts in 2022:

A little update of sorts:

I finally got back to Forever Starts Under the Ginkgo Tree after suffering a gnarly writer's block. Not quite done writing this last part but I'm getting there~

I started an origin story for my two OCs that will tie into my Dungeons and Dragons group, but it's a story that's been in my head for a LONG TIME.

Started writing down notes for Hazel and Gavin's Wedding Fic. (Then I started remembering all the details of my wedding and got a little overwhelmed 🤣)

4 notes - Posted January 9, 2022

Ya know, it just occurred to me that I have failed to use the nickname "Hazelnut" for any of my Gavin x Hazel fics...

5 notes - Posted August 16, 2022

So I have the first part of my OCs Origin Story typed out; eagerly getting the second part finished so it can be typed out, and still writing out the third part.

I have so many scenes in my cracked little mind that need to be written and honestly, it feels good to be this invested in my own characters 😅 Now if I could just DRAW these OCs, I would be ecstatic~

I promise I have not forgotten about the last part of Forever Starts Under the Ginkgo Tree! The material I wrote out for that last part seems off to me so I'm trying to revisit it and rework it somehow so it hopefully doesn't sound redundant or boring... I do plan on keeping the morning s*x part though😏

As always, I am forever grateful for your patience and thank you for enjoying my works!

6 notes - Posted April 2, 2022

Forever Starts Under the Ginkgo Tree Part 9

Pairing: Gavin x Hazel

Genre: 🔞Smut🔞 romantic/domestic fluff

Word Count: 4,714

Warnings: wet dream leading to actual sex, unprotected sex.

Beta by the lovely @sin-with-quiche

Dear GEEZUS, this has been a very long time coming and I have my finicky Muse to thank for that (the highly distractive little brat), but yes, this little saga is finally done after about 2 years in the making?? So I hope y'all enjoy the final instalment of Forever Starts Under the Ginkgo Tree~ 💙 thank you all who have been reading it and have been very patient for each instalment~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Sunday 7:30am~~

"Wakey wakey, my love~" Hazel gently whispered in Gavin's ear. A soft moan came from her fiancé, still touring dream land.

"Ngh, how is it that you're awake before me," he shifted towards her, "and here I thought I wore you out last night."

In a swift move by her deft fiancé, Hazel was back on the bed and under him, playfully laughing as he snuggled into the crook of her neck. A hand had snuck up her pajama top and lightly fondled her breast, his fingers gently pinching an already hardening nipple.

“Mmm, how are you this frisky so early in the morning, my love," Hazel giggled

He smiled into her neck before kissing it.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he answered, nibbling her ear before trailing back down to her neck. Lifting his head, he leaned in for a kiss while his knee parted her legs enough for his hand to move downward. Hazel anticipated that delicious next move—

A few moments passed before Hazel opened her eyes to find Gavin had disappeared.

“Huh,” she sat up and looked around, her bleary gaze settling on the sleeping form of her fiancé next to her.

‘What the hell? That was a DREAM?!’

Silently waging war on her rudely overactive imagination, her small tantrum roused the officer from his sleep.

“Mm, what’s wrong, my love?”

“Nothing…,” she whimpered, thoroughly duped by her very convincing wet dream.

Gavin sat up, shifting closer to his visibly dejected bride-to-be and nuzzled into the back of her neck, taking in her scent.

“You sure nothing’s wrong," he wrapped his arms around her torso and rested his chin on her shoulder.

“Y-yeah, I just had a super realistic dream, that’s all," she shivered at his touch.

“Oh? And what was it about?"

Hazel felt her face get uncomfortably warm as she recalled the unfinished business of her lewd dream.

“W-well, I guess you could think of it as a continuation of our…session last night.”

“Is that right,” he inquired, mildly intrigued by this dream of hers. He glanced over at the clock on her nightstand, it read 6:56am, he then had an idea.

“Judging from your cute pout, I’d say this dream of yours was…unfinished?”

Hazel squeaked at his deduction, squirming in his embrace as one bold hand found itself in her pajama bottoms.

See the full post

17 notes - Posted July 20, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I just gotta say, I wholly adore this card art so damn much~ Just look at these two 😍

I'mma just leave it here for y'all~

*note: it didn't actually take this long to evolve this card 🤣

33 notes - Posted January 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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xoxomarijo · 1 year

Text

Where do we draw the line between imitation as a form of flattery, and imitation as a form of stealing?

Part I - Instagram

I’ve been away from Tumblr for a heck of time but only one crazy discovery got me back ranting in here. The reason? Someone stealing my content. There is no problem taking bits of inspiration from everywhere but this one’s a whole new level of pro. Let’s start from the very beginning and I’ll leave the judgement to you.

PS. I’m censoring some details out of pity for this person.

It’s funny how Instagram would sometimes lead you to the most unexpected suggested people. I stumbled upon a suspicious suggested account (I use the word suspicious because I was instantly drawn to how familiar it looks), and behold, it’s very much patterned to my IG poetry page and I knew for sure it belongs to this person.

I’ve been writing since 2006. I usually kept a handwritten journal for everything but you really don’t get the time for it anymore as an adult. So my iPhone Notes became my go-to until all my thoughts were consuming too much of my phone memory already. I started transferring some of my writing on Tumblr during 2018, and around June 2022 I decided to put up an Instagram account for some selected content. Creating each layout for @poetrybymarii had also became a much-needed break from my day job as well.

Upon discovering this suggested account and distinguishing the theme that had been copied from me, I immediately scrolled back to its earliest post to determine how old the account was—the account was created August 2022, exactly two months after I’ve created @poetrybymarii. I messaged this person to confirm if the account belongs to her (which, even if she denied was obviously hers). In the beginning she admitted ownership, not knowing what’s next to come.

You see, I was already aware how this person was stealing bits of captions and whatnots. I was ready to let it slip away again until one of her posts truly alarmed me—it was one of the proses I wrote and posted here on my Tumblr dated September 10, 2018. It was copied and minorly tweaked! You can see how the whole context, sentence per sentence are still the same. Words were just jumbled or replaced with synonyms but the whole chronological order of it all remains.

I confronted her again and this was the start of her denying it all. Let’s debunk her alibi here:

Alibi: “It was not mine, I just saw it somewhere and copied it because I found it nice. Someone must have reposted and that’s where I found it. But I did not copied it from you.”

Point 1 — The moment she confirmed the poetry account was hers, she was clear about how it was just an outlet account for her thoughts. Meaning she claims ownership for all the content written and posted. Not one post had a proper credit in it. Also judging the awkward English composition and grammar, it was a no-brainer that the write-up there was all her work.

Point 2 — My original prose was posted on my Tumblr account with a very few following. It did not receive any notes (likes and re-shares) so the chances of it going viral being passed around to make it into her screen apart from my very page was impossible.

Point 3 — My prose needed to become viral first to close the possibility of someone firstly related to me have it find somewhere. But had it been viral, I would have still known. Social Media is part of my job. There is no tricking me in this one.

Part II – Tumblr

The entirety of my conversation with this person was pointless as she tries to divert away from the very point of her stealing my prose. Overwhelmingly, she was ready with all her alibies and screenshots, and suddenly admitted that not all the content posted on her poetry IG was hers. She tried to justify her way out from her own lies and sent me a screenshot of her Tumblr banner (one mistake she made). And this was the second part of my crazy discovery as I began to delve into her blog. Guessing her Tumblr URL and tracking it was a piece of cake even if she changed it upon my confrontation.

If there’s one thing I can proudly claim on the internet it’s that I was a part of the Tumblr O.G. back in 2007. This very account is already 8 years old (est.2015) and my third account since then. “Ask me anything” feature was only added sometime around mid-2010’s, and it took me a flooding of Anonymous asks before I came into addressing them as “Anons”. This person’s Tumblr account was created only October 2020*. She reiterated how she has no ill intention with any of her accounts which have no followers in it, to which I pointed out—if she has literally no followers, where did all the “ask me anything” came from? Were these lovely compliments and questions all fabricated by her too just to make it look like her page is gaining foot traffic in it? But then again it was all part of her gaslighting, diverting away from the main point which was her plagiarizing my prose.

At this point all I was able to say was FOR FUCKS SAKE. I was beyond speechless to discover how even some of our photos were the same. She also had some selfies in there that were the same replica pose of my past selfies.* She denied everything once again and stated how I was not the only person who knew apps. But Pins was an unknown app. Pins is not something that would pop-out on the app store as you type in search “collage maker.” It was something I discovered hands-on as I braved and tinkered through links and links of mandarin characters I do not understand. I think I may have shared some discovered Japanese and Chinese apps in this Tumblr account as well if you scroll all the way back. Anyhow as soon as I saw her photos using the exact frame from Pins, I immediately tried to recall where I may have shared the app away. I remember sharing it through a comment on Instagram when a friend complimented my post. I have not shared it anywhere else.

Alibi: “You’re not the only one who knows apps.”

True. But adding to all the prior things I mentioned above about the app, WHY the fucking fuck does she need to use the very same two frame collages I used, out of all the hundreds of frames found in Pins?

It does not end in here. There was a heck ton of other odd similarities—from her selfies posted there that are too sensitive to share away already, to specific favorite songs posted and captioned.

Part III — Conclusion

Once a cheater, always a cheater, as cliché as it is—they would never own up their mistakes. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Luna’s viral #F👁️👁️D eyes photo it’s that you gotta screenshot everything the second you find out about someone stealing your content, and you gotta fight for proper credits and rights. How this person tried to gaslight me when she said “I didn’t knew you were this shallow, why is this a big deal?” was something only a manipulative narcissistic person would say. Artists and creatives are so prone to having their content stolen in this modern era, and people like her who think things like this are no big deal are actually the first cause of this problem.

PS. Her Instagram was taken down. Too bad I already got the SSs.

*References on file

#thoughts #plagiarism #stolen content #social media #poetry #prose #fake people #diary #immitation

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wwindblumee · 1 year

Text

I posted 4,794 times in 2022

That's 4,794 more posts than 2021!

1,124 posts created (23%)

3,670 posts reblogged (77%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ishimarusibs

@mikado-sannoji

@frxxst

@swxxtflowxr

I tagged 4,785 of my posts in 2022

#;..🍃/venti - 1,778 posts

#;; thank barbatos! wait a minute... || ic - 848 posts

#🍃.venti - 774 posts

#;..🌌/kuni//scara || ooc - 532 posts

#🍃.barbatos - 391 posts

#;; playtime~ || xian xiao ic. - 291 posts

#;..🥀/xian xiao - 280 posts

#🍃 ⇝*:･ﾟ✧ 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓪𝓻𝓬𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓼 - 262 posts

#;..🌌/scara || ooc - 245 posts

#🍃.windblume..~ - 228 posts

My Top Posts in 2022:

Event- Corrupted/Grief-ridden Barbatos.

It's been two months.

Two months after <muse> left Teyvat. One fateful morning, they decide to revisit their long-distance Archon s/o. After using a wormhole vision given to them by Venti himself, <muse> finds themself in Liyue.

They decide to walk to Mondstadt- Venti's shown them this part of Liyue before. It wasn't too far from the beautiful city.

After around a mile of walking, <muse> stumbles upon a horrible sight. Ruin. Mondstadt was destroyed, and there was a strange pink glow coming from inside the ruined city. <Muse> decides to brave the breaking stones and buildings to find their dear Barbatos. What they find.. is also equally horrifying. Venti was crying pink tears. He was huge, twice the size of his old statue. He was on his knees and letting out a painful screech/wail. The Archon notices <muse> and looks down at them. It was as if time had stopped as Barbatos stares at them.

His gaze.. it was piercing through <muse>'s flesh, getting more and more intense by each second that passed. Venti's appearance had changed. Every trace of sea-green had turned to pink, as well as his braids. A strange-looking crystal has gone through his chest, appearing on the other side of his back. He was wearing his Archon attire as well. His wings were also different; like those of Dvalin, but ripped and burnt. He also had horns exactly like his old dragon friend. Barbatos' stare turns to a subtle smile and he curls up into a sad ball.

So, <muse>. What will you do? Is this truly your former partner? How will you react?

You can only participate if you have chosen a romantic relationship with Venti. If you would like to participate, please send an ask.

Tagging: @mikado-sannoji (so sorry for another event from me you have to go through, dear mod 😭😭) @mummys-least-favorite @feis-ace-ravens

241 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

Blog event- promotion.

Your muse wakes up to find themself sleeping in a different bed than what they had slept in the other night. You walk out of the room, heading out of the house. You find yourself in a beautiful city, filled with windmills. You decide to try and find the center. You suddenly hear beautiful lyre music and a faint voice. You decide to follow it. It gets louder after you go up a few flights of stairs. In front of you was a huge winged statue. Next to it was a crowd of people, all looking at a 'girl' in the center. 'She' was playing a lyre, her eyes closed and smiling. 'She' finishes after about five minutes. It seems you missed the first part of 'her' show. Will you confront 'her'?

Tagging- @pink-perf3t-z0mbi3 @mikado-sannoji @wat3rpillar @broke-godofmoney @suki-hana @mistbreathing @zywie-adepti @barbatos-the-loyal-butler @ask-tamayo @muzans-least-favorite And anyone else who would like to participate~

249 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

(Just sending this now so I can have it done)

Taka haven't gotten out of bed, which was very strange. Usually he was up at five, and ready before six, but it was nine now and he was just...still asleep.

Venti had slept over the day before, because he'd gotten quite drunk and his friend was nice enough to bring him here. He had already woken up fifteen minutes ago and had been debating on knocking on the other's door. Perhaps he's tired? Venti hadn't quite memorized Taka's sleep schedule, so he was unsure what to do.

253 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

Closed thread with @lone-wolf-of-ragnarok.

It took Venti some time to get the Sustainer to agree- around a whole two weeks worth. He finally got her approval and a more fitting outfit for his friend's universe. She'd left the Archon right outside Mukuro's doorstep, which coaxed a complaint out of the bard. A warning could have been nice... He steps forward, strangely nervous as he knocks on the door.

281 notes - Posted November 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Promotion event- Act two.

(This post is customized for every rp. Please start at act one if you wish to participate as well.)

Your muse wakes up. He'd had good dreams the whole time he was resting. He leaves the tent to find a small sprite on Dvalin's back. It was sitting and eating an apple. As soon as it notices your muse, it flies off of the dragon's back. The little sprite grows into a human body... It was the Anemo Archon..? Venti smiles at your muse. "Good morning! Did the song work?"

@mikado-sannoji

329 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #;..🌌/kuni//scara || ooc #🍃.whoaghh

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juniwilson · 2 years

Text

A Star Is Born | Junis

Featuring: Chris Grimaldi, Juniper Wilson, and the newest member of the family; brief appearance of Robin Wilson; mentions of Matt Grimaldi, & Isaac Handelman When: August 24, 2022 Notes: THE BEB IS HERE!

--JUNIPER--

Juniper was seated on the exercise ball with her arms folded on the side of the bed, and her heard resting on it. The doula was behind her, massaging her lower back with a long towel pressed across it. She was being encouraged to breathe, which she was already doing but other than the growing pain, her mind had been on Chris. Robin had her phone and was in the far corner of the room, monitoring texts and handling the phone tree she and Chris had made of people to contact once she was in labor, and people to contact after the baby was born. Juni could only imagine what his phone looked like with her family alone in a text thread but currently, she was silently hoping that Chris would come into the room at any second.

--CHRIS--

Chris was worried that he missed it after he ran out of the elevator and almost ran into a cart in the hallway. It had always been part of his process - to leave his phone in his trailer when he was filming - so that he didn't have distractions from his character. But it was clear with the amount of missed calls and texts that he should have at least given his phone to someone on the set. And with how much time had passed, he was afraid that he'd end up missing everything.

"Hi, can you tell me where Juniper Wilson's room is?" he asked the nurse at the nurse's station, only to be met with the usual mix of surprise and awe that happened whenever he came out in public - and now was not the time for it.

"Oh my god, are you Chris Grimaldi?" the nurse asked, squealing a little bit.

"Not right now, but after my baby's born I will gladly sign whatever you want, but please can you just tell me where Juniper's room is?" After the nurse reluctantly gave it to him, Chris was off again, coming into the room to see Juniper on their exercise ball as he sighed in relief. He hadn't missed it after all.

"I am so sorry that I am late," he said, putting his things down on a chair as he took a deep breath to try and catch his breath.

--JUNIPER--

Lifting their head when the door opened--as Juniper did each time--relief and joy flooded their face upon seeing Chris. "You made it," they breathed with a pained smile. The doula happily but calmly greeted Chris while Robin clapped a hand to his shoulder.

"Catch your breath and then go to her. It's good you're here now. There's not much I wouldn't do for my siblings but...some things should remain unknown and unseen, yanno?" He lightly smirked and after letting Chris know that their pillows and go bag were here, he said, "I'll be in the waiting room, keeping everybody updated. I'll check in from time to time until my niece or nephew gets here." He set Juni's phone down in a vacant chair and then excused himself from the room with one more, "You got this," to Juniper.

Meanwhile, Juni was breathing through the start of another contraction, feeling a bit more empowered by Chris's arrival.

--CHRIS--

"I really should have brought my phone with me to set," Chris admitted as he nodded at Robin, going over and taking Juni's hand right as the contraction started. "Okay, about how far along are you right now?"

--JUNIPER--

"It's okay," Juniper hurriedly replied, squeezing their eyes shut. While trying to remember to breathe, they added, "You're here now." Juni held his hand tighter than ever before while suppressing a whimper and breathing in as regularly as she could manage. The doula, meanwhile, answered Chris's question, continuing the massage across Juniper's lower back. "They were four centimeters when they were first checked in. The last time the midwife checked, they were six centimeters dilated. If things keep progressing like they've been, your baby could be here tonight.

--CHRIS--

Chris nodded as the doula filled him in on everything, glad that even with him having missed so much, the important parts he would still be there for. "Okay, great," Chris nodded as the last few words really sunk in, "Just keep thinking about holding them, okay? And feel free to squeeze my hand off, I don't need it."

--JUNIPER--

Juni did their best to listen to Chris all the while enduring the contraction. They barely managed a laugh through the pain when hearing Chris invite them to squeeze his hand off. "Yes you do," they replied through a strained sigh, curling into themself. At some point, the contraction passed and Juni started to loosen their grip on his hand. Steadily breathing a little more, they finally looked up to Chris and smiled weakly. Fatigue was already plaguing their normally bright blue eyes. Tendrils of hair were stuck to the side of her flush face where beads of sweat started to collect. The rest of their hair, previously in a ponytail was now in a high, messy bun and the pale blue hospital gown they'd changed into was slumped off of one shoulder. But they'd never been happier to see Chris before. "Hey," she finally was able to say.

--CHRIS--

As the contraction passed, Chris was happy to see Juni's smile come to their face. Wiping some of the stray hair off of their face, Chris left a kiss on their forehead. "hey," he smiled back, "You know you're doing amazing so far, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten yelled at by everyone if you hadn't been."

--JUNIPER--

Juniper gave a breathy chuckle at him, "Thank you. I feel like all I've been doing since I got here is trying to remember how to breathe." And as the pain of the contraction went away completely, they sat up a little straighter on the ball so that they could face Chris. "I guess our little star didn't want to wait another day to get here." They gave him a gentler hand squeeze than before and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "I'm so glad you're here," they whispered.

The doula reminded Juni that she could do whatever she wanted, but encouraged some walking around. She offered to go with them if they agreed to a walk, but Juni looked to Chris, "Actually, will you come with me?" In their Lamaze and birthing classes, the doula had shown Chris some techniques with massages and coaching. But in that moment, she reminded them both to take things at Juni's pace and to lean on Chris for any contractions while they were walking around the hospital.

--CHRIS--

"Well, that was my only real job, so I'm glad that you were able to do it yourself," Chris joked, before giving them a kiss back, "I am too."

He nodded, as they walked around the hospital, Chris directing Juni as they went as he tried to help as the labor progressed. As the contractions seemed to be coming faster, Chris asked, "are you ready to go back to the room?"

--JUNIPER--

Once she was set up with a mobile IV, Juniper walked beside Chris, keeping her hand on him at all times for balance. Periodically, she had to stop walking once a contraction started, and lowered her head against his shoulder. She breathed as best as possible and clung to whatever part of Chris her fingers gripped first at a moment's notice. But when they started to come closer together and he asked her about going back to the room, she nodded and whispered, "Yeah," feeling a growing urge to push and knowing she couldn't yet. Still trying to focus on breathing, she asked him, "Are you gonna call your Mom and Dad?" She'd had no idea what Chris had done in between finding out she was in labor and walking through the door to the room.

Upon arriving back to the room, rather than returning to the ball, Juniper waited on the bed for the midwife to come back and check how far dilated she now was. The walk seemed to have helped as the midwife informed them that she was now 8 centimeters. The midwife then let them and the doula know that Juni was free to continue moving about the room but it would be best to stay in it with how close she was to delivering. Juni nodded, slowly shifted back into a seated position and asked Chris, "Can you help me up?" while already mentally preparing to walk in circles and figure eights, and periodically stop and do some light swaying. She'd done so on and off while listening to the playlist on shuffle. It felt like hours had passed as the urge to push was becoming more and more unbearable. Eventually, she'd asked for help back into the bed and was relieved to see the midwife again, hoping for good news.

"Okay, Juniper, you're officially ten centimeters dilated. Hang tight while the nurses and I get the birthing bar you wanted for the delivery, and get you ready to push, okay?" As the midwife left the room, the doula looked to Chris with a smile and said, "Get ready to do some final coaching, Dad."

--CHRIS--

"Matt and Isaac both already let them know. My dad's due to leave Italy at any moment and I think my moms already driving down to fill up our fridge so we dont need to worry about food," Chris admitted, "it seems that out of everyone that I was the last to know." He gave Juni a smile, hoping that it would make them laugh a little.

And as things progressed he kept trying. Making them smile and laugh, breathing through contractions. Really Chris didnt quite know how much time had passed when it was time to push. "Hey youre doing great, and youre almost done."

--JUNIPER--

Juniper nodded when Chris explained about his parents already being told. They lightly smiled but hadn't been handling the pain well enough to laugh at the time. And when the labor progressed and the midwife went to get her team ready for the baby's delivery, Juni held Chris's hand and did their best to keep their breaths as even as the pain would allow them to.

After the midwife returned with 2 nurses, some equipment and the hard plastic bassinet, the nurses fixed the birthing bar in place on the sides of the bed and helped Juni position themself into a squatted position. The midwife let Juni know to bear down and push for counts of 10 and after checking that they were ready, the midwife started on the first set of 10. Juni gripped the bar, squeezed their eyes shut and pushed, inadvertently holding their breath.

After about 6 sets of 10 later, with one small break in between, Juni had been panting, yelled a bit through her efforts and became tear-streaked upon feeling the exhaustion coming over her. But the determination for her and Chris to meet their baby was greater. She continued to push at the midwife's counts and encouragement until, finally, with 3 more counts of 10 at the late night hour, their baby had been born.

"You have a boy!" the midwife announced, immediately beginning to clear the baby's airways while one of the nurses quickly wiped the newborn down.

--CHRIS--

Chris truly didn't believe that he could possible love Juni more, and yet as he watched them start to push he was truly amazed at everything that they were capable of. And while he worked to keep hair out of their face, to help with the counting, the soft kisses and encouragement, all while they did more work than he could possibly imagine.

Or in a way he could, in the back of his mind he remembered Isaac putting him through the birth simulation, and he couldn't handle the lowest setting - so for Juni to be doing this now? It was amazing to watch.

And as the baby was born, Chris couldn't help but smile. "So, it seems like we've got ourselves an Atlas," he murmured to Juniper, "You did amazing."

--JUNIPER--

Juniper's entire body was overflowing with various feelings and emotions right after the midwife let them know that the baby was a boy. There was joy, relief, exhaust, excitement and a heap of adrenaline coursing through her every cell. Although they were previously squatting somewhat like a frog, with the baby--with Atlas now born, they felt their legs practically give out and they fell back onto the hospital bed, panting slowly.

Juni turned their head slightly and gave Chris a weak smile. "We have an Atlas," they breathily repeated back. And a moment later, the midwife placed a tiny, loosely blanketed, pale pink newborn on her chest. In that same instant, Atlas began wailing and Juni broke out in soft sobs too, instinctively cradling him to her. "Hii, Atlas--oh my gosh, hi my little love. I can't believe how tiny you are!" She sniffed and looked up to Chris again, this time through blurry eyes, "He's here, Chris. Our little star is here."

One of the nurses asked Chris if he would like to cut the umbilical cord while carefully placing a clamp near Atlas's belly button. Meanwhile Juni lifted a hand to wipe their eyes while still keeping their other hand around Atlas as best as possible without getting in the way of the nurse finishing what she was doing for the newborn

--CHRIS--

Chris' eyes were glued on the baby, and as he started crying, his heart leapt to know that Atlas sounded healthy, and looking him over he seemed to be that way as well. It was all that he and Juni had wanted, a healthy baby, and it was exactly what they had.

"And he looks perfect," Chris smiled at them, giving Juni a kiss on their head.

As he cut the umbilical cord, Atlas gave another loud wail, making his presence truly known to everyone in the room.

--JUNIPER--

Chris's response had Juniper smiling even more. "He does. He is, he's so perfect." She carefully ran a fingertip with a feather-light touch against Atla's cheek while taking in his wisps of dark hair and tiny fingers.

Just as Juni was making the amused comment, "He coos like a little chipmunk," Atlas's cries had grown louder. With a small, sympathetic chuckle, "I know, little love, it's okay," Juni attempted to soothe the newborn. Eventually, one of the nurses picked him up to finish cleaning him off, and to get his measurements. During that time, the midwife helped Juni with everything thereafter, eventually getting them situated for when the new family would be escorted to a recovery room.

Once Atlas had all of his measurements recorded and the nurse had him diapered and swaddled, she started back towards the bed but Juni gestured to Chris, "Atlas should meet his daddy now," she wearily insisted to the nurse, her eyes moving to the actor.

--CHRIS--

Chris couldn't help but hover over the nurse as she did the measurements, with him getting a polite but very firm reminder to give her space. But it was just amazing to see his child, that after hoping for it for so long, he was actually there.

And when Juni let the nurse hold him, a smile filled the entirety of Chris' face.

"Hey little man," Chris whispered to the boy, "you have no idea how long I have been waiting for you." Atlas still was crying, though Chris couldn't exactly blame the boy considering how different the world had to be, but he seemed to settle down some for Chris. "I know, it's been a really hard day," he said, bouncing Atlas a little, getting the baby to fully calm down.

--JUNIPER--

Juniper's eyes were on Chris as he kept close to their newborn once he was taken aside for measurements. She couldn't help but smile at his attentiveness and, after the nurse brought Atlas over and kindly passed the little baby off to Chris, Juni could swear she could feel her heart melting inside of her chest.

The surrealness of Atlas being here continued to pulse within her but watching Chris settle their son down from short cries to quiet coos was the most magical thing to witness. "You're such a natural," Juni softly complimented, wearing another weary smile on her lips. While continuing to admire Chris's time with Atlas, one of the nurse's quietly tapped her on the shoulder and held her cellphone for her. Juni gave a grateful smile and tapped to open the camera so that she could capture the moment between father and son.

In what seemed like no time in compare to the hours of labor, the midwife and nurses had Juni and the room cleaned up again. The midwife told her and Chris, "Congratulations, guys! We'll give you three a moment, and then Juniper, the nurses will be back to wheel you and baby up to a recovery room. You'll all stay there until you're discharged from the hospital, but if you and Chris need some sleep while you're here, we can take the baby to the nursery and the labor nurses." Juni thanked the midwife and the nurses before the trio stepped out of the room. Soon after, the doula said she would be going too but promised to check in with a call after Juni and Atlas were discharged.

Once it was just the three of them, Juni looked up to Chris, "Now that he's here, I can't imagine asking the nurses to take him away.”

--CHRIS--

"I mean, I have had some practice, perks of being an uncle," Chris chuckled, though it was so incredibly different when it was his own child. And as everyone left, it was nice to have their first few moments alone as a family.

"I can't either," Chris admitted, moving so he was sitting on the edge of the bed so that Juniper could see Atlas as well, "I think that we'll be able to handle him ourselves."

--JUNIPER--

Chuckling a bit as well, Juniper continued to enjoy watching Chris with Atlas. They were extremely grateful for the labor and delivery team that they'd had for bringing Atlas into the world but their first time together as a family was precious and priceless. Carefully, they shifted on the bed to sit up a little better while Chris sat on the bed. She tilted her head to rest on his shoulder while looking down at Atlas's tiny face.

"Hi there, sweet pea," Juni whispered, reaching up to gently adjust the cap on his head. "You look like you were meant to fit right into your daddy's arms. Thank you for waiting for him to get here before you arrived." While continuing to gaze in awe at their son, she said to Chris, "I think we will too. Plus, I'm sure our families will want to see him now that he's here, and I wouldn't mind the visits." Juni then kissed Chris's shoulder and laid back on the bed again, blue eyes moving between Chris and Atlas. "When it is just the three of us for more than a few minutes, do you think you'll want to do skin-to-skin with him?"

--CHRIS--

Chris shifted enough to give Juni's head a kiss as they watched their son together - with Atlas giving them a yawn and seemed to fall asleep. "Yeah, my Dad should be getting here from Italy in a few hours, and I'm sure that he's going to cry when he finds out Atlas' middle name," Chris chuckled, before nodding, "I do, I've been really looking forward to that bonding time."

--JUNIPER--

At Chris's kiss to their head, Juni responded with a light smile. They smiled and melted all over again when Atlas's little mouth yawned and he drifted to sleep. "Aww. Well Atlas has a wonderful namesake. I hope I'm awake for that reveal." The adrenaline from the labor was still coursing in them and likely the only thing keeping Juni awake at this point, but they were glad not to have given into exhaust just yet. Juni had made sure there was a button-down shirt in the go back for Chris so that he could have that bonding experience without having to worry about his surgical scars, were a nurse to come into the room at the time. "When we get settled into the recovery room, I have something for you and Atlas. Or you can have it now. It's up to you."

--CHRIS--

"I hope that he is too," Chris admitted with a smile, before he nodded, "Let's wait for the recovery room, I don't want to have too many things out here when we'll be moving in a few minutes," he said, "But are there any hints you'll give me?"

--JUNIPER--

"Okay," Juniper replied, eyes fixed on Chris and Atlas. When Chris asked for a hint though, she gave him a coy smile and then shook her head, "Mm-mm. I can't think of any hints to give, so I guess you're just going to have to wait until we're in the recovery room."

--CHRIS--

"Oh really?" Chris laughed, and while he was about to open his mouth to make another joke when the nurses came to move them to the recovery room.

And once they were all settled in, it was nice to look around to see where they'd be the rest of their stay. "So do you want to hold him, or are you starting to think about a nap or food?" Chris asked.

--JUNIPER--

When being moved up to a recovery room one of the nurse had placed the go bag and pillows at the foot of Juni's bed and wheeled the empty bassinet while the other nurse disconnected the monitors and pushed the bed to the appropriate room. After being hooked back up to monitors and being assured that they could page the nurses anytime they might need anything, the nurses left the new family alone.

Juni had been so deeply content in watching Chris be a father already and it had only been about an hour or two since Atlas was born. "I'd love to hold him for a little while and try to feed him while you look for that surprise I mentioned before."

--CHRIS--

"Yeah of course," Chris said as gave Atlas a quick kiss on the forehead and whispered "be good for your mommy, okay?" As he handed the boy to Juni. But as he started to look through the bag, he smiled when he saw the shirt, "is this so the nurses don’t have to see my scars?

--JUNIPER--

Juniper’s cheeks were bound to start hurting with how much she had already been smiling that night. She received Atlas from Chris with another smile blooming on her face from Chris's whispered words. While he rifled through the go bag, Juni adjusted her gown, loosened Atlas's swaddle and coaxed the newborn to latch for the first time. She'd been a bit anxious at first but relief washed over her when he seemed to wake up nursing like a pro in a matter of seconds. She looked from Atlas to Chris and saw the gray shirt sticking out from the bag, smiling at his question. "Mmmhm. My sister's said the nurses tend to come in every couple of hours or so, and we have or should have a 'do not disturb' sign to put on the door, but...still. I know how important skin-to-skin bonding is and wanted you to be able to do it comfortably." Checking on Atlas who was still nursing away, Juni softly told Chris, "There's one more thing in there for you. As a hint, it's in a wooden box."

--CHRIS--

"Thank you," Chris smiled, before looking a little surprised at the idea of another gift in the bag. But while he was about to go back, he noticed Atlas taking to Juni, and Chris couldn't help but smile. It was perfect, watching the two of them together - and he took it in for a few more seconds before going back to the bag and finding the box. Opening it, he lit up at the watch, taking it out to put it on before he noticed the engraving on the back. "I love this," he smiled as he finished reading it, looking back at Juni, "it's perfect."

--JUNIPER--

Juniper hadn't taken their eyes off of Atlas while he nursed. They were taking in his features, from his faint pink, chubby cherub cheeks, to the wisps of hair that made up his eye brows, to his tiny nose. It wasn't until they heard Chris's reaction to the watch that she looked up. With a gentle, weary smile, she told him, "I'm really glad that you love it. When I saw it, it really felt right to get it for you." She soon returned her attention to Atlas who, after a few minutes, began to doze off again while nursing. Juni giggled at the sight and carefully repositioned him, holding him to her shoulder to burp him. After about a minute, she cradled him again and said to Chris, "He's so precious. I can't get over it." Juni bent her head to press a feather-light kiss to the hem of Atlas's hat the nurses placed on him, took in his scent with a deep breath, and then proceeded to watch him sleep as she told him, "We've been waiting to meet you, sweet pea. You have so many people who are excited to meet you, and will spoil you and fall in love with you. But I want you to know that no one will ever love you or care about you more than your daddy and I do. And no matter who you grow up to be, we will be here to support you and your dreams." And after shifting a hand from under him, she gently stroked the back of her index finger against his soft cheek. "I love you, my little Atlas Giuseppe."

--CHRIS--

Chris carefully put the watch on, the familiar weight of a timepiece on his wrist making him smile. And to have a reminder of his son with him? That was something that was going to stay with Chris for awhile - physically and emotionally. "You're already such a great mom," Chris smiled at Juni, moving the chair next to the bed and sitting next to them, perfectly content to watch her hold their son for however long Juni wanted to.

--JUNIPER--

Seeing Chris smile made Juniper's own smile come back with such ease. As Chris moved to sit next to them, they realized how completely full their heart was in that moment. They had a child who was here and healthy and beautiful. They had a boyfriend and partner who was nothing short of incredible in every way possible. And as a family, they had the most incredible support surrounding them. Chris's compliment of them as a moment made them a little bit misty-eyed a few passing seconds. Juni looked to him and said, "Thank you, tesoro." While watching Atlas fall back into a deep sleep, Juni continued gazing over his features, committing his face as it was to memory while knowing how quickly it was bound to change in the coming weeks and months. Eventually though, the exhaust from the lengthy hours of labor was catching up to them, coupled with the late hour, to the point where Juni couldn't fight it anymore. Their eyes were growing heavy and as much as they wanted to keep on admiring and adoring their slumbering son, they also knew how important sleep would be for them too. So Juni looked to Chris and asked, "Would you mind taking him? I think I'm going to try to rest for a little bit before he needs to be fed again."

--CHRIS--

Chris nodded as he softly took the boy, carefully adjusting him in his arms so that Atlas would sleep in his arms. To see how serene the baby now was, to have him trust him so implicitly. "You get some sleep, okay?" Chris said to Juniper, giving them a smile, "You've earned it, and I can take care of him for however long you need to sleep."

--JUNIPER--

Once Chris lifted Atlas from her arms, Juniper adjusted herself in the bed and lowered it so that she could lie down rather than be sitting up. "Okay," she replied to Chris, tugging the blanket up to her shoulders. "Enjoy your skin-to-skin, my loves." Her eyes stayed on the two until her eyelids grew too heavy to stay open. It wasn't long from there before Juni drifted off to sleep, the exhaust taking over.

#Chris #A Star Is Born para #Junis baby #and my heart went BOOM

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