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chimivx · 11 months

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TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Two of ?)

{ Read Part One here. }

summary: Hyunjin finds himself conflicted. He didn't think he'd be able to find someone he liked as much as Jade.

word count: 7k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: Part Two, oh my god. These people are a mess. Enjoy this, and please leave me a message of your thoughts! YES, I had to name the female MC. If she has your name, congrats!

A mere solemn glance toward the bodies grinding together on the dance floor isn’t enough to appease Felix. I even gave my shoulders a shrug, a small one to emphasize the fact that I myself don’t even know what’s happening with Jade.

His shift of tone had me in shock, much like the look in his eye. Felix never appeared as the type to be so forward, so bold. That was my move and he fumbled it from me in seconds. Now I was the flustered, speechless mess with a racing heart.

Felix was always attractive to me, plain and simple. If I wasn’t involved with Jade I’d have him face first on my mattress like it was nothing. An innocence hung around him, it was enticing, like nectar to a bee. At first I wasn’t positive he was aware that’s how he came off, but the last forty seven seconds told me everything I needed to know.

It was no wonder Felix fit right into the group, he was one of us. A game player, a pawn on a chessboard- the floor of Haven.

“There’s nothing going on,” I forced from my lips quietly, taking a breath to ease the thumping of my heart between my lungs. A smirk graced his pretty pink lips. The slight narrowing of his eyes threatened to make me feel small, but with a tap of his knee onto mine he eased the tension.

“You’re lying,” he said. Opening his palm he dropped his chin in it and tilted his head the opposite way, leaning into his shoulder. The little smirk grew into one of his big ditzy grins.

Narrowing my own eyes, I pressed my lips together before I said, “And you’re flirting with me.”

In an instant his hands are in his lap and he’s sitting up straight, not a smile in sight. The legs that trapped one of mine between them had relaxed, and his eyebrows were turned inward, though he didn’t seem upset.

Clearly I had said something insanely wrong because there wasn’t much that would wipe the cheesy cheeks away from this boy. He was always smiling.

Peeking at my empty glass I sighed, turning toward the bar to place my elbows on the wood, burying my face in my hands. “What’d I say?” I asked, feeling electricity spark in my veins, originating from the center of my chest. “I always say the wrong shit, don’t know if you know that.”

“You didn’t-” he tried to answer but I cut him off. It was the electricity’s fault.

“Wrong of me to assume, I’m sorry.” Apology counter on and running, starting score is two. “I’m drinking,” I huffed a laugh, rubbing my palms over my eyes. “I’m always drinking, shit. And it does this, it fucks things up, like it’s fucking things up with Jade- and yanno- shit, I don’t even know if…”

Dropping my hands onto my thighs I shake my head, eyes squeezed shut. Lifting a finger to tug at the neck of my t-shirt, I sucked in a deep breath and darted my eyes amongst my blurry surroundings.

“Issit hot in here? Fuck,” I gasped.

Felix slides off the stool beside me and I can feel my thundering heart drop to my stomach.

This did it. This was it. The panic was what nudged him off, with an assist by the comment I had made.

He was seconds away from becoming an ally, a friend, and I managed to muff it up by assuming he was coming onto me. If I had been sober I’d have been able to tell how he really felt, or be able to understand what he really meant.

Sucking down another sharp gulp of air, I prepared myself to watch him walk away back to the group he’d tell all about this while I’d order another drink to continue to drown myself in to get rid of this incessant buzzing in my blood. I don’t think he’s ever seen this happen to me. If he was anything like Jade he’d walk away. When I’d panic she would walk away from me, ignoring me. She’d tell me to stop freaking out, to pull myself together, and leave.

Yet somehow she manages to stay.

“Hyunjin,” Felix spoke gently from beside me. Glancing to my right he’s standing there with the softest expression and an outstretched hand. “Come on.”

“Wh-what? What are you- You’re…” my words cannot seem to piece themselves together. In this blurry haze of dizziness my hand somehow slipped into his, allowing him to help me off the stool and onto my legs that trembled like jelly.

“We’re going outside,” Felix said, giving my rough hand a squeeze. Even though I’m half delirious, I can swear I feel his thumb slide over the back slowly, savoring the touch. “You’re having a panic attack.”

We weasel our way through the groups of people and find ourselves through the heavy door. Well, Felix does. I stumbled behind him like a baby deer on ice. Once we’re outside I can hear myself breathing and it’s insufferably loud as if it’s happening directly in my own ears.

My chest is constricted by its own weight, like my shirt was suddenly five sizes too small, and there’s a tingling in my fingers that starts to travel up to my face. Doing my best to keep my grip on Felix’s hand, I barely felt him take it away to place both to my shoulders, guiding me to sit down on the curb of the parking lot.

Folding my fingers together I shove them between my legs and lean forward, my chest falling over my knees. Light headed, I tip to the right, slumping into Felix’s lap, who had sat down beside me. I’m unable to hear anything, or really comprehend anything around me, until he speaks, pulling me out of my head for a split second.

“So loud,” he grumbled, glaring at the road just outside the parking lot. Lifting my head to find what he meant, I quickly fell backward, landing on his shoulder. “Isn’t it obnoxious?” he asked, trying to look at me.

“Huh?” I managed to squeak between breaths. Felix flattens his lips and nods to the street.

“The cars,” he said. “They’re entirely too loud, what’s the point? It’s just a car.” Squinting, I gulp and shake my head as best as I can. He’s got it all wrong.

“N-no,” I mumbled, feeling the bone of his shoulder on the back of my head. “It’s… It’s not just a car.” My voice is exasperated, it makes him smirk.

“What d’you mean, it’s not just a car?” he snickered. “It gets you from point A, to point B. What more is there to it? I don’t understand the fancy shit. The paint, the loud engine, the squealing brakes, the-”

My entire body jolts, sitting straight up to glare at him.

“If your brakes are squealing you’ve got a problem,” I said. “And the paint? Artistic expression. Some people like to decorate their homes, or draw, or some shit. Others like to do it to their cars. And, the loud engine? Total preference, if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Most of the time it’s not even the engine but the exhaust, and if…” I quickly shut myself up when I watched him take his bottom lip between his teeth.

The world falls quiet and I’m able to hear everything he was hearing before. On the streets the cars weren’t even that loud. Crickets were chirping around us, filling the humid summer air with a familiar sound that felt like a soft hug. The nighttime was crisp, refreshing, much cooler than the inside of the bar.

My breathing was almost back to normal, though the pain in my chest was still there. That usually remained for a few hours.

Felix appeared smug, but relieved. Under the moonlight, out of the horrid walls of Haven, he was still pretty, and I was still drunk.

“You jerk,” I said quietly. With a scoff and a laugh, Felix slaps a hand to his chest.

“I’m sorry, excuse me?” The beautiful sound keeps coming from between his lips, a sound I wanted to bottle up and keep in my pocket. “I’ve just calmed you down and you call me a jerk? Could’ve at least gone for something better, could’ve called me a cunt instead.” My eyes blow open wide.

“I would never,” I said seriously, and it made him laugh again.

“Doesn’t hurt me, trust me,” he raises his eyebrows and shrugs once. “It’s almost a term of endearment where I’m from.”

“You’re kidding?” I asked, looking down between us, realizing there wasn’t an ounce of space. Our bodies were pressed together tight.

Felix shakes his head and flashes me a pouty smile. “Foul mouthed Aussies,” he said. “Bet you wouldn’t last a day.” He gives me a slight nudge, my body ricocheting off of his, then landing right back into place.

Right up beside me like this I could tell how different we really were in size. Our height was similar, if anything he was a bit shorter, but our builds were totally different. We both were on the skinnier side, but I definitely had more muscle to my bones. I could wrap my entire hand around Felix’s wrist and touch my pinky to my thumb, with some extra leftover.

Taking him in as he gazed forward at our luxury view of the overgrown Haven parking lot, I mumbled, “Thank you,” and he smiled at me.

“Course,” he nodded, his eyes boring into mine as he leaned his chin on his shoulder, dropping his chin a bit. He was waiting again. It was my turn to say something, like he’d learned his lesson from earlier, to wait for me to bring something up before assuming, or asking too many questions. He was aware of himself, and of me.

It was in his nature to help me, to get me out of the situation that made me panic. It didn’t help that half of it was brought with us, because he was the one to ask me about Jade, when ultimately I was trying to forget it.

I don’t do cheaters.

Now what in the hell does that mean? Was he implying his attraction? Did he want to… do me?

“Why did you ask me about Jade?” I whispered within the six inches of space. He bats his lashes, seemingly unknowing this little habit of his.

“I was curious,” he muttered, half-convincing.

“You’re a shit liar,” I smirked, digging my elbow into his side. “What do you want with me?” Sinking into his side at my touch, he giggles and quickly composes himself, shoving me away carefully.

“Nothing,” he said, his tone utterly quiet. His big brown eyes now attempted to avoid mine. When he does look at me, it’s quick, and flustered. Beneath the shitty street lights I swore I caught his tanned cheeks go pink.

Then, the alcohol talks.

“What?” I keep the smirk locked on my lips as I lean in closer to him. “You wanna fuck?” His eyes go wide, and he laughs again, but this time it’s breathy and full of nerves. “Is that why you asked about her? Wanna check where my relationship stands before you make a real move?”

“No, listen, I-”

“I get it,” I cut him off, waving my hands around for a moment. “You don’t wanna be another one of them, you don’t wanna be on that list. It’ll make Jade hate you, and you don’t want her to hate you, even though I wish she would hate me, but no matter what I do I can’t make that happen, and I’ve done a lot.”

Felix is back to being zoned in on my eyes, leaning into me. “What’ve you done?” he asked with empathy, genuinely.

“I’ve slept with a couple people,” I said as if it were normal. Felix’s lips part a bit. “Yanno, hooked up with some girls who came onto me, and then I told her about it.” The crease that forms in his brow makes my heart ache.

“Why would you do that?” His voice seems to deepen drastically. Frowning, I shrug, and then shrug again, unsure of what to say next. I’d sound absolutely bonkers if I told him I was afraid she was going to leave me when I was giving her reason after reason to run away.

“It doesn’t make sense,” I whispered. A lump lodges in my throat. “She’s still here.” Turning my chin to look directly at him, I feel a tear slip down my cheek. “Why is she still here?”

Felix reaches a hand over to brush his thumb beneath my eye, the digit grazing my bottom lashes with care. “I don’t know,” he answered. “Do you want her to leave?”

“Yes,” I force through my lips with a gust of air, pressing my cheek into his palm. He tilts his head and juts his bottom lip out a bit.

“You want her to… break up with you?” he asked, eyes flickering down to my lips, then back to my eyes. Sniffling, I nod, then more tears fall as my chin crinkles. Felix hums in sympathy. “Why do this to yourself? Tell her you want to break up. Surely she can’t enjoy being your girlfriend after what you’ve done.”

The words stung, but he was right.

Swallowing hard, I cut my tears off and pulled myself out of his hold. “She isn’t my girlfriend.” Felix leans backward and furrows his brows.

“But… everyone says…”

“I know what everyone says, I know what it looks like, okay?” The snippiness in my tone wasn’t intended for him, and I hoped he knew that. It was intended for the asshats inside the building behind us. “But she is not my girlfriend, I am not her boyfriend, I don’t do shit like that, I don’t fall in love, I don’t believe in that. Bad things happen in love. That’s why I’ve spent my entire life rejecting it.” Felix listens with patience, hanging onto every word. “Everyone I’ve ever fallen for has failed me, and it’s happening all over again, and I get to watch.”

It’s quiet for almost two minutes. Felix slides a hand over to me amidst the silence, wrapping one of his dainty hands around my forearm for comfort as I take slow deep breaths to keep myself calm.

“How is she failing you?” he asked gently, respecting the quiet air. I expected him to add a, you cheated on her first, or something, but he doesn’t.

Sighing, I prepared myself to sound insane. “She’s falling for Minho.”

“Oh, yeah,” he responded with a cringe. Whipping my body sideways, I completely take his knees out, pushing him over. Holding my hands out, open at my side, I wear complete shock on my face.

“Oh, yeah?” I repeated questionably. “Oh, yeah?” Felix twists toward me and folds his legs under him on the concrete. His expression reads uncertainty. He answered me with a nod. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I shouted. “Other people see this besides me?” Clearly they did, otherwise Jade’s friends wouldn’t antagonize her about leaving me for Minho. “God damn,” I breathe, slouching over, pulling my arms into my chest. “Why is no one doing anything?”

“Because it’s your relationship?” Felix offered cheekily, getting a glare out of me. “I’m just saying, if someone is to do something, it’s you or Jade, no one else.”

“But, what about everything I’ve done? Why doesn’t it drive her out? Wouldn’t you leave somebody if you knew they had done that to you?” I asked him, watching the wheels turn in his mind as he pondered my question. I wondered if the therapist in him was done for the day, if I was exhausting the motors and he was running on pure steam and Sprite.

“Of course I would leave somebody if they did that to me,” his gaze hardened. “Maybe she’s just attached to you somehow. Are you her first boyfriend, or the first person she’s been intimate with?”

I scoff. “Definitely not.”

“Then, maybe she’s worried about you,” he continued without missing a beat. “She knows you have a drinking problem, does she know-”

“How do you know I have a drinking problem?” I grilled.

Felix perks a brow, an answer on its own. “Does she know about the panic attacks? And don’t ask me how I know you have multiple, where there’s one, there’s sure to be others.”

Taking a breath, I drop my eyes to his knees and shrug. “She knows, but I try to not talk about it.”

“And why not?”

“She hates it,” I sighed, meeting his eyes. “The first time she ever saw it happen she helped me, and it was nice. It took forever to get it to stop, yanno, not like… like you, tonight… Anyways, now she hates it. It’s inconvenient for her. To have to stop what she’s doing to coddle me like a child, she hates it. It’s like a job for her.”

Felix groans, rolling his eyes. “When has she said that to you?” The funny thing was, she never said it directly to me.

“Heard her say it to Chan on the phone,” I mumbled, dropping my eyes down to the sidewalk under us.

“Coddle you like a child, unbelievable,” he repeated, then scooted himself closer to me to grab my hands. My eyes flicker up to his. “You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who understands.” My lips pull into a small frown. “I’m sorry that happened to you, I’m sorry you heard her say that, that’s so unfair.”

“S’okay,” I grumbled, and he vigorously shook his head with a laugh.

“It’s not okay,” he said. “Listen, I’m not saying what you’ve done to her is right, because it’s not, it’s kinda fucked up, but… You can’t help what happens in your brain, Hyunjin. The wires are twisted up there, and it’s not something you can untangle magically. You still deserve respect and understanding.”

It’s quiet for another moment, the night growing heavier, even more silent than before.

“You two really aren’t good for each other,” Felix said.

Smirking, I said, “That’s why we don’t date.” I earned myself a swat at the knee with that one. Trying to dodge it, I lunged forward to try to tap his knees as well, but he had the same idea, so our heads bonk together instead. Falling backward in a laughing mess, we grab our foreheads and groan. “Are you okay?” I asked, peeking at him between my elbows. The grin on his face tells me all I need to know.

“I’m fine,” he takes a deep breath, placing his hands at his side. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “Been hit with worse.” Felix’s reaction makes me laugh all over again, the way he reanimates his distress humorously.

“What the fuck?” he laughed, shaking his shoulders. “You’ve got a lot to unpack, don’t you?”

“I do,” I nodded, somewhat proud. “Rethinking your attraction?”

“Definitely not,” he sighed, glancing down at his lap. Only his eyes looked up as he said, “I’ve had that since I met you.”

“You’ve never thought to say anything?” I asked, tucking my arms into my chest. Felix smacks his teeth, averting his eyes to our surroundings before he disagreed.

“You were with her, and it always looked perfect, I didn’t want to come between anyone, or anything,” he said, doing his best to open up under my attentive gaze. “You guys seemed happy. You were always together, I never got to talk to you alone like this, ever. This is a first. But…”

“But?” I whispered, leaning forward.

Felix leaned in as well, dropping his own tone to a whisper. “I didn’t know if you were into guys, and I said this earlier, but you’ve looked at me like this since the day we met.” Gesturing toward me, he quickly pulls his arms in, wrapping them around his knees he tucks into his chest, resting his chin on top of them.

“Look at you like what?” I asked fast, feeling the air close in on us. Felix gulps. His big brown eyes know something, they’re begging for something.

“Like you want to devour me.”

Huffing a breath, my heart rate skyrockets. Throwing my arms aside, I climb onto my knees and crawl halfway over his body, his own knees parting as his arms fall behind him, catching himself on the tips of his fingers. His lips part, like he’s anticipating something, all while surprised by my sudden gesture.

Kneeling between his thighs, I pressed my forehead to his, dropping my own hands to the concrete beside his. Our chests are inches apart, and Felix’s is heaving, taking in nervous breaths, sending them out through his lips, letting the warm air graze over my cheeks. He smells of a sweet, light cologne. Not too strong, but just enough to make me want to taste it on his skin.

Dipping my jaw and parting my lips, Felix pulled his own backward.

“Don’t-you-dare-kiss-me,” he whispered with persistence. Pressing my lips together tight, I watch him glance at them for half of a second and poke his tongue out between his. He looks back into my eyes and releases a soft sigh. “You’re still with Jade, and you were right. I really don’t want to be on that list. As much as I… really wanna kiss you, believe me, I do, I can’t.”

The boundary thing. This had to be one of them. He was establishing a boundary. He doesn’t give me any other reason, nor does he try to persuade me to do anything like one would think he would. Instead, he watches me process and retreat off of him, sitting back on the concrete. I wanted him to tell me to break up with her, to leave her, but he wasn’t the type of person to insist that I do that.

It was my decision, and Felix wasn’t the type to put his own needs, wants and desires over someone else's life.

“I’m sorry.” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve apologized to him now.

Smiling, Felix sits up and takes a breath. “It’s alright,” he said, standing up, brushing his hands over the back of his jeans. Reaching out a hand, I grasp it firmly and let him aid me to my feet.

“Thanks,” I said, looking toward the door that taunted me. Going back inside meant having to watch our group of friends have fun, and I wasn’t sure if Felix would join them or not. I much preferred being away from everyone.

“Hyunjin,” Felix stopped me before I could begin to walk away, “Listen to me. All things aside. Your anxiety doesn’t make you less worthy of respect. You truly deserve someone who treats you like you matter, I hope you know that.”

Nodding, I attempted a smile.

“You’re not annoying, you’re not a job, you’re a human being. You deserve real love whether you have anxiety or not,” he said. Nodding, the only thing I’m able to do because I’m unsure of how to react to these words, I look down to the ground. “It is not an excuse to act like a dick, though. Actions have consequences, and you could really hurt someone, and I believe that you did.”

“Yeah,” I breathe. “I did.” Felix places a hand to my shoulder, giving it a reasonable squeeze.

“Talk to her,” he said. “Actually talk to her.”

Back inside the bar Felix made himself comfortable on the stools we occupied before we went outside. Dina and her bouncy blonde curls stopped by us to bring us two more drinks. I didn’t even have the chance to request anything before Felix cut in and suggested I have a glass of water instead, giving Dina a sappy smile.

“Good idea,” I said after she walked away. Felix simply smiled. Turning over my shoulder briefly to catch a glimpse of anyone at all, the crowd seemed to have gotten denser since we stepped out, so it was impossible to make out who was who. Our table of friends was protected by strangers drinking and dancing away their own troubles.

Dina slipped by slyly, dropping the drinks on the wood gently and scurrying away before we could catch her. Felix picks up his glass, full of water, and takes a sip through the straw.

“What do you do for fun?” he asked me, twisting his body around so that he could rest his back against the bar. He kept his eyes on me as I followed his lead and turned around as well. Sipping my water, I shrugged.

“Not much,” I mumbled, then started to laugh. “I mean, I come here, that’s about it.”

Felix nodded, surveying the crowd as he absorbed my answer. “So you don’t have any hobbies or anything?” My lips pull into a frown.

“Unless you consider my job a hobby… Then, no,” I said. I’ve been working since I was straight out of college, at a job I didn’t even get my degree for. Cars were like a hobby to me, if I had to choose one, they’ve always been a constant in my life since I was young.

“Working on cars?” Felix questioned with a raised brow.

“Yeah. Fixing them mostly. It’s satisfying when it’s finished, but a little sad when I have to give it back,” I smiled, getting lost in the way his eyes paid attention to me. He encouraged me to continue without even saying a word. “If it’s just me in the garage, which most times it is, I feel like… I dunno, I’ll sound crazy.”

“No you won’t,” Felix furrowed his brow. “Keep going, I’m enjoying this.”

“Okay.” Taking a deep breath, I glance out to the dance floor once, then zone back in on him. “You create a relationship with your clients, right? You learn about them, you help them. I feel like it’s the same thing for me. So, it’s always a little sad to see a customer drive away in their car I’ve had for a few days.” Felix opens his mouth to speak, but is cut straight off by a sharp voice on the opposite side of me.

“Cute!” Is said sarcastically, aimed directly at me. My stomach did a cartwheel. There was no way in hell I wanted to turn around to see who was sitting there, because I already knew who it was. Felix’s glare over my shoulder toward him didn’t make it any better. “You don’t feel that way about your own relationship, but you feel that way about cars?”

A snarky laugh comes out of his right hand man. Can’t have one without the other. “Sociopath,” he muttered.

Felix attempted to speak up. “I don’t think this is the right time for-”

“Right time for what? Figuring out what this jerk’s problem is? Seems like the perfect time, Sunshine.”

Whipping myself around, I slam my glass on the bar and spin around to face him. Minho. Muscley, strong, stone-faced Minho with silver hair and dark pointed eyes. He sat directly next to me, facing me, and Han stood behind him. The two must’ve snuck up on Felix and I somehow.

“What’s your problem?” I growled from behind my teeth. Minho smirked.

“My problem is that you’re an asshole,” he spoke low, and slow. “An arrogant, lying, disrespectful asshole.” His words half went in one ear and out the other, but I knew by tomorrow I’d be hanging onto this moment. Keeping my brows low and my eyes clear of any signs of worry, I huff a laugh and shake my head.

“And you’re a snake,” I said, narrowing my eyes. Minho swallows, hard. “So, what are we gonna do about this?” He appears to be quick on his feet, trying to leap off of the stool to assert some type of dominance, but Han keeps him place with a hand to his shoulder.

Behind me Felix mumbled an, “Oh my god.”

“You wanna fight?” I laughed, forcing all of my false confidence outward. “Winner takes Jade home? You think you can kick my ass? Hilarious.”

“I don’t think I can, I know I can kick your pathetic ass,” Minho leaned into me. “Don’t get me started, because I will lose it, and I won’t hold back.” To piss him off even more, I flickered my eyes to his lips, and back to his eyes.

“I’d love to see you try,” I whispered, and he huffed.

“What’s Jade gonna say about you two, huh?” Minho perked a brow, gesturing to Felix with a jut of his chin. “She saw you over here. You can’t get away with this one.” Which is hilarious, because I never tried to get away with it, ever. She knew every single one, every single moment. I was half tempted to ask Minho why Jade was still with me, he must know something I don't.

“What’d we do?” I asked exhaustedly, shaking my head. Han snickered.

“Oh my god, are you oblivious? Like, are you actually dumb?” he asked, his eyes bugging out of his skull. “You’re both over here, all over each other like two little gay boys, and then you leave! You two walked out of here, hand in hand.” He stared me down. I’ve never actually seen Jisung get angry, most of the time it was fake so he fit himself into the situation to get something out of it for himself.

“We know Felix is a gay,” Minho stated as if it were a raging hot topic and the words tasted bad. He looks at me up and down. “Not surprised you wouldn’t be either, you’d get into anyones pants if it had a pretty face and a dumb smile.” Sitting up straight I frowned.

“Don’t talk about him like that,” I said, and they both fell into a fit of laughter.

“So, we’re right?!” Han shouted, hitting Minho on the shoulder a few times.

The silver haired boy tossed his arms out in front of him as he rocked back against Han and his laughter. “We’re so right, look at them. Defending each other. Bet this has been going on a lot longer than tonight.”

“Seriously,” Han snickered. “Don’t gay people fall in love a lot faster?” he redirects his glare to Felix, “Isn’t that a thing? You people rush through it all?” I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

Standing up, I push the stool back with my hip and circle Minho to face Han, nearly coming nose to nose with the boy inches shorter than myself. He could hide his panic on his face with a cheesy grin, but he was shaking in his boots. Even Minho was hesitant to turn around to face us.

“Say something about him again,” I said from my chest. I wasn’t even sure I was blinking, the rage simmered just beneath my skin. Never in my time of knowing these people have I ever put my hands on one of them, and I wasn’t about to start tonight. I didn’t want to. It’d been ages since I had been in a fight, and though I was triumphant in nearly all of them, it wasn’t a headspace I wanted to fall back into.

I would much rather self-destruct myself.

Han stands before me- below me- mouth babbling incentives to get me to back down, while simultaneously calling me out for my bad behavior. I can’t seem to put together a single thing he’s saying, all I can hear is the ringing of slurs in my ear that he and Minho had used, and have used before. In fact, most of the guys that Jade was friends with spoke that way. Except for Chan, he’s never spoken out of line.

“Say that word again,” my voice came from behind my teeth, the back of my throat, the depth of my chest and vibrated throughout my being. Narrowing my eyes, I growled, “I dare you.”

A hand is placed to my chest from behind me, a small one, placed right over my racing heart. They pull me back slightly and turn me around, and for half a second I’m expecting fluffy blonde hair and deep eyes, definitely not the girl I came here with tonight.

Looking up at me with a gentle smile and glistening skin, she taps her fingers on the cotton of my t-shirt and takes a deep breath. “Hi,” she said, her tone indicating she was either unaware of what was going on, or she was keeping herself calm to get me out of it.

Han and Minho lean backwards on the bar, wiping their expressions clean of all evidence. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Felix with his elbows on the wood, head hanging down over his glass with his fingers tangled in his hair.

I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling. I’ve gone almost my entire life hearing people say bad things about me, since I was a child. It started with my own father, and in every stage of my adolescence into college every authoritative figure had something to say. I was used to the bullets, but Felix didn’t deserve any of it. He was too pure, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was because of me that the two idiots had opened their mouths, it was my fault he got hurt.

Maybe I’m destructive by association.

Just look at Jade. Happy, calm, smiling Jade who danced her heart out tonight with her friends. I had hurt her countless times, and almost did it again a mere fifteen minutes ago. At least, I think it was fifteen minutes. Haven made me time blind.

I hurt anyone I try to have a connection with. Point blank. This is why I don’t do this.

“Are you okay?” Jade asked from between her lips of worn off mauve lipstick. If I didn’t already know first hand that her lipstick looks like this after hours of dancing and sipping drinks, I’d have thought she’d been locking lips with someone. Someone behind me. But, it didn’t take much to get this shade to come off, if she had been kissing Minho it’d be completely gone and he’d be wearing some on his lips.

Her eyes question me as I study her face.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “I’m okay.” Jade glances at Han, then at Minho, then at Felix. She points her chin back to me and shrugs her shoulders.

“Do you wanna go home?” she asked, pouting her lips as her hand traveled down my side. She hooked a finger in one of my belt loops and pulled me closer to her. Falling under her quick little spell, I find myself nodding, zoned into the lust she has pooling in her irises. Her tousled hair that was once perfect that now clung to her neck made my knees weak. Danced out and tired, and a little sweaty- she was perfect. She was always perfect.

As she said goodbye to her friends, Felix included, she took my hand and guided me away from them all, keeping me wrapped right around her finger, my eyes falling below her waist as she hurried for the door, and for a moment everything felt right. Everything felt complete, and okay again. Until I realized I had left Felix behind at the bar, alone.

Turning over my shoulder, giving Jades hand an accidental tug, I met his eyes. His deep brown, curious, wandering eyes. Changbin stood beside him now, lost in conversation with Minho and Han, but Felix couldn’t care to listen. His soft chin was propped on his fist of delicate fingers with the rings on them, and he watched me.

He watched me leave with Jade, leaving little to the imagination of what we were about to do.

A resentment that was already there within me began to grow.

It grew as we stepped into my apartment. It grew as she took me into our bedroom. It grew as she undressed me and kissed me like nothing was wrong. Like I hadn’t broken her heart. Like she hadn’t caught me with Felix tonight as her friends had told me.

I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to ask her questions, Felix put some sort of inspiration inside of me. I longed for a conversation with Jade, to understand what was going on and why it was happening, wondering if she was even having any doubts. There had to have been some.

Felix taught me a lot tonight, even if we didn’t get to spend more than a couple hours together, and I wished to use some of his therapist expertise to work something out between Jade and I.

Instead, her fingers are dragging through, tugging my hair and gripping my bare skin as she used me for her own pleasure. And though our bodies were equally tangled together, and my lips tore apart the skin of her neck, and I sunk into her so comfortably and clenched my jaw shut as she mewled aloud beautifully… I couldn’t help but imagine what it’d be like if it were him.

And that was something I had never done before.

When I had Jade, and when she had me, it was only us. She was too damn intoxicating to think about anything else, anyone else.

But, after tonight, I felt like I was split in two.

It was Felix’s hips I was gripping, it was his warm breath tickling my collar bone, it was his nose I bumped with mine, his lips I drug my tongue across, his hips I rocked mine into again, and again, harder and harder until it was his nails that clawed into my shoulder blades, leaving skinny red lines behind as they drug downward. It was his chest that pushed up into mine, arms clamping around my back, holding me close as it was his heavy breaths calming himself down from his high.

When I opened my eyes and found Jade with her head tossed back on our pillows with her lipstick gone and flushed cheeks, I slipped out of her and rolled onto my back, laying an arm over my forehead. It was quiet for all of two minutes, not a word spoken between us, just Jade’s heaving chest.

She rolled over on her side and took a long deep breath. I could feel her eyes on me.

“That was insane,” she sighed. “What the hell got into you?”

Shrugging, I side eyed her once. “Strong drinks?” I lied. Felix had me sobered up.

Jade let out an exhausted laugh. “Whatever it was… Mother of God. You don’t feel this way too?” Her eyes were still on me.

“I do,” I lied again. Slipping a hand down my body under the sheets, I wrapped a hand around my length that was still rock hard. She may have finished, but I couldn’t. “Just tired… That was… so good.”

Giving her another glance I found that her eyes had fallen shut, though she was nodding her head. “So good,” she mumbled. “Go to sleep, Jinnie.”

It didn’t take her long to fall asleep, and the second I knew she was out, I beelined for the bathroom. Running the shower, I took every last bit of strength I had left out on myself, finally finding relief with Felix on my mind once I was alone.

Beneath the burning hot water with my back against the white tile, I sucked down deep breaths, holding in a panic, and finally realized that this was going to be the first time I broke up with anyone.

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chimivx · 10 months

Text

TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Three of ?)

{ Read Part One here. Read Part Two here. }

summary: 'It was the most free I’ve felt in ages, it was liberating, and it was because of Felix. He wanted to get to know me, for me. He wanted to listen to me, to listen to me. He was genuine, and he cared.'

word count: 9k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: Part Three, oh my god. These people are still a mess. I was hoping this part would've accelerated us faster in the story, but I am unfortunately really enjoying this journey. Enjoy this, and please leave me your thoughts! YES, I had to name the female MC. If she has your name, congrats!

Sliding out from beneath the Ford I had been stuck under for half an hour, I sat up and drug my palm over my forehead without a doubt smudging some grease where I was hoping to wipe away sweat. It was two o’clock in the afternoon and already boiling hot. It was just me, myself and I in the garage today, as per usual, so I opened every tiny window and left the workshop door open, along with the door to our office.

Blink-182 was blasting from the radio, the volume nearly maxed out in an attempt to drown out any lingering thoughts that hung around my subconscious. These were the days I longed for. Days alone were peaceful, and quiet, aside from the music, and I could keep to myself, get my shit done, and not fuck anything, or anyone, up.

I knew cars better than people, I could fix them faster, too. Though, most times I drug my work out over a couple of days only because I enjoyed it that much.

It was almost like my brain could shut off when I was focused on work. I could do it with my eyes closed. And come to think of it, I actually have, on a dare, and I still repaired everything perfectly.

The two other guys that work in the garage with me, one of them the owner, both didn’t think I could do it. A couple of months ago when a BMW was sent our way with a screwed up starter motor, completely dead, the two of them grumbled over the task while I boasted about being able to replace it with my eyes shut. Neither believed me, so naturally beers were cracked open that night, we spent some extra hours in the garage, and I replaced the sucker with a bandana tied over my eyes with little help.

Talking about myself always made me uneasy, but if someone were to ask me what secret talents I had, I’d for sure brag about that. One of the sparse moments where I actually felt proud of myself.

Slapping a hand to the concrete beneath me I hoist myself to my feet and round the vehicle to get inside of it, being careful to not put my dusty boots on the clean carpet of the sedan. It was a silver Ford Taurus that belonged to a woman in her forties with two boys in intermediate school, so I wasn’t too worried if I left it a little dirty. The backseat gave off obvious signs that two boys around the age of ten occupied that space.

Shoving the key that sat in the cupholder into the ignition, I twisted it, and smiled as the car started. The woman, who’s name was Sharon, or Sherry, just dropped it off this morning with her kids and her husband who drove the three of them away in a pick up truck. Both adults had dropped complaints of other places taking a week to fix their vehicles problem, making them dish out hundreds of dollars for a small problem I took care of in a few hours. They were pleasantly surprised when I told them that it would be done today, and it would cost not even half of what they’ve had to pay before.

Sharon-Sherry almost gave me a hug, I thought the woman was going to fall to her knees. She placed a hand on my shoulder, thanking me a crap ton, babbling on and on about her boys and how they’re soccer players, and she needs the car to get them to practices and games, and her husband’s a cop and works weird hours… I learned a bit too much about her.

But, the woman cupped my cheek before she walked away to get into her husband's truck and she gave me a genuine smile. A smile that wrapped my heart in comfort. It was a mom's smile.

The comfort broke in half when she called after her boys, beckoning them to get into the truck.

“Shaun! Felix! Let’s go, your coaches are waiting!” she had waved at the boys that were kicking around the gravel rocks in front of the office door.

With a gulp I had taken a quick glance around the lot before I questioned her. “Felix?”

“My youngest,” she turned to me with a proud smile. “He and Shaun are a year apart. You never hear that name around here, do ya? Felix.”

At that moment I had wondered if she’d noticed my pale skin go even ghostlier. I had shaken my head and cleared my throat.

“No,” I answered. “It’s… one of a kind.”

Sharon-Sherry agreed with me, then continued on to her children, ushering them into their fathers running truck, making sure they were buckled before she jumped up into the passenger seat.

The happy family drove away, leaving me with their Ford and a pin in my heart.

A quiet day alone, lost in my work without haunting thoughts was what I wanted, and I almost had it.

Sitting back in Sharon-Sherry’s seat with my boots still hanging out of the door, I rest my head against the cushion and take a deep breath. I may have had the radio blasting, I may have been elbow deep in bolts and grease, I may have been on auto-pilot for three hours, but I couldn’t get those big brown eyes outta my head.

Even prior to his name being spoken he infected my mind.

Last night should’ve been a blur. It should’ve been a drunken blur, a second thought this morning when I rolled out of bed and got myself ready for work while Jade slept soundly between the sheets. Instead, it was the very first thing I thought of. Felix.

If he wasn’t such a nice person it would’ve pissed me off more than it kind of already did. I couldn’t be mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was my own screwed up brain that forced this shit upon me, every damn time. Incredibly annoying.

“Don’t do that,” I grumbled to myself, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my middle finger, closing my eyes tight. “I’m not annoying.” I repeat aloud what Felix had said to me last night.

On top of that, he also told me to talk to Jade. To talk things out with her, actually talk to her. And I didn’t do that. Not yet at least, last night she couldn’t even let me get a word in, but it’s not like I tried.

Regaining consciousness on the kitchen floor yesterday was a wake up call, and the following evening at Haven just added more fuel to the fire. Talking things out with Felix, admitting what I’ve done to someone other than Jade was a bitch slap to the face. Saying it aloud to someone on the outside of the situation really did make me sound clinically insane, and it was embarrassing. On top of the things I was feeling for Felix, the shame from fully realizing what I’ve done and why I’ve done it was suffocating.

I had to break up with Jade. If she wasn’t going to do it first, I had to be the one to break it off. Especially now that I think I’m harboring actual interested feelings for Felix.

He didn’t want to be one of the others, and I wasn’t about to make him one- as scary as it felt to think about getting involved with somebody else.

Jade still lingers after everything. Who’s to say Felix would stick around if something happened? He even said it himself last night that he would leave someone if they did to him what I’d already done to Jade.

Regardless, he stuck by my side yesterday. He seemed to care about me even after I let the shit spill. I should really just try to be his friend. I need to try to be his friend, before anything. He wasn’t someone I wanted to hurt.

Then again, Jade was once someone I never wanted to hurt.

“Jinnie?” Jade’s voice called into the garage from the driveway. Popping my eyes open I didn’t even realize I had closed, I sat forward and spotted her through the streaky windshield. I made a mental note to clean Sharon-Sherry’s windows for her before she came back to get her car.

Jade circled the Ford and stood beside the open door. “What’re you doing?” She was dressed for work, she was on the night shift this evening at the restaurant. Her hair was pulled out of her face and her colorful name tag sat to the left of her heart.

“Just… making sure the car started.”

“Your eyes were closed, I thought you fell asleep,” she said, her eyes taking me in up and down, and again. Shaking my head slowly, I start to smile.

“Not exactly,” I said. Turning the car off I dropped the keys into the cupholder and got out of Sharon-Sherry’s seat, taking the top of the door out of Jades hand and into my own so I could close it.

“Okay, good,” Jade nodded, taking a step backward so I could stand on my feet. “You shouldn’t be in here with the cars running, you know that.” Giving her a curious look I brought myself back around the front of the car to lift the hood. Jade followed right behind me.

“I know that,” I sighed, pulling on a few car parts, making sure everything was good to go. This family had to be called as soon as possible. “You know I know that, but I’ve gotta get it out of here somehow.” Leaning against the car with my elbows, I turned to look at her. She was wearing her nervous eyebrows, though she was trying to hide them. She’s made this face every single time I started to bring up a… girl.

“Yeah,” her voice was soft. “I know you know… I just… got worried about you.” Her eyes fell to the motor of the car, glancing around at all the different parts.

“Are you okay?” I asked after a bout of silence between us. The radio was still blaring nonsense. Jade met my gaze and took a quick breath.

“Yeah, yeah, no, I’m fine,” she shook her head, “I just… Are you okay?”

I stood up straight, resting a hand to the small of my back.

“I’m fine.”

Jade’s eyes begged me to say more, but I didn’t know if I could. Here I was hoping I’d have a little more time at work before I had to go home and try to talk things out with her, but she showed up unannounced. She’s never done this, even back when things were good. Work was separate for us, our own thing.

She waited a couple more seconds for me to say more, but realizing that I wasn’t going to, she rolled her eyes the slightest and dug into the purse she had over her shoulder.

“Here,” she said, handing me a bottle of water that was still kind of cold. I assumed this was her excuse to mask why she had actually come here.

Taking it carefully I gave her a small smile. “Thanks,” I said, and almost inquired why she was being nice to me, or acting funny.

Then she said the words that made my heart stop.

“Felix called.”

Maintaining my composure I cracked the water open and took a long sip, the coolness relieving the heat I’d been baking under. Swooshing the liquid around my mouth for a bit, I swallowed and nodded, slowly. Then I met her gaze.

“What’d he want?” I asked in the most monotonous tone I could’ve ever conjured up. Jade folded her arms over her chest and sighed.

“He… Jinnie, he wanted to know if you were okay,” she said, her eyebrows knotting together. Whispering, she took a step closer to me, “He told me what happened.”

The anxiety I had been suppressing since I saw her face began to bubble up. That was a vague ass sentence.

He told me what happened.

Felix probably told her that I came onto him in the parking lot of Haven. Stupidly drunk, I forced myself upon him and tried to kiss him. He had to tell Jade as soon as humanly possible, to protect her from the lies I would spread. It was nauseating how I couldn’t keep it in my pants, and everyone agreed. It’s me, I’m the problem, and every single one of them knows it.

“He said you had a panic attack,” Jade said, ripping me out of my tomb of a brain. “You haven’t had one… in forever.”

The breath I took was painful, but full of utmost relief. Out of all of the things Felix could’ve shared with Jade, I’m not excited it had to be this, but it was better than the latter.

“Um, yeah,” I mumbled, crinkling the plastic bottle between my dirty fingers. There wasn’t a reason to lie, or to pretend like it didn’t happen. She looked pretty beat up about it so I’m not sure there was much more I could say to make her feel worse.

Although… I could tell her I’d been having them almost daily…

“Why didn’t you tell me,” she said.

“I didn’t want to ruin your night,” I shrugged.

Jade rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t ruin my night, why would you think that?”

Shrugging again, I take another gulp of water.

“Stop doing that,” she mimicked my shoulders and swatted a hand toward me, “Talk to me. Why would you think you’d ruin my night if you didn’t feel good?”

Dropping my arms by my side I pressed my lips together and held in a sigh. Toying with the bottle in front of my chest nervously, I half shrugged, then rolled my head back with a groan.

“I told you I didn’t feel good,” I whispered.

“What?” Jade cocked her head to the side, pointing an ear toward me. Clenching my jaw, I dropped my soft glare to hers.

“I told you. Last night. I didn’t feel good,” I said clearly. Watching the gears shift in her brain behind her gorgeous eyes, I finished the water she brought me and walked away from her to toss it into the garbage just on the inside of the office door.

When I turned back around I found that she hadn’t moved a muscle. Her eyes were checking me out, though. She loved it when I looked like this.

Last summer I’d do it on purpose. Smear some grease on my forehead, dirty my jeans, rip the neck of my t-shirt just a bit so that when she got her teeth on it she’d be able to tear it right off of me. I truly, honestly, don’t know what it is about girls finding guys attractive when they’re an absolute mess.

I’d come home sweaty, smelling like an old garage with bandages around my fingers, and she was a sucker for it. Personally, I didn’t get it.

“When did you tell me that?” she asked, and I immediately envisioned how she looked beside Chan last night.

“You asked me to dance with you, and I didn’t want to,” I said. She averted her gaze, glancing around the garage that was in disarray. It seemed this discussion was going to go on longer than expected, so I continued my work. Closing the hood of the Ford, I turned on the heels of my boots and started to straighten up the mess I had made.

“Nelly Furtado,” she said quietly. Giving her a look over my shoulder, I huffed a laugh and shook my head. “Oh, c’mon, I love Nelly Furtado.” The smile that danced on her lips convinced me to smile.

“Oh, I know,” I copied her tone, putting a couple of tools into a metal drawer, then I muttered to myself, “Can’t believe that’s what that makes you think of.”

“I was dancing with Chan, right?”

“Sure were,” I sang, bending over to gather a wrench that laid partially beneath a tire- where I wished to be at the moment.

“Why do you have to say it like that?” her tone took a wicked turn.

Tossing the wrench into the drawer, I spun around with furrowed brows. “…What?”

“You make it sound like I was doing something wrong, like it’s a crime to have fun with my friends.”

Taking a breath, I grumbled, “I never said that.”

“Then, how come, every time Chan gets brought up you get all pissy. You know he’s my best friend, you’ve never been able to accept that. Whenever he’s around…”

I turned it off.

Whichever part of my anatomy was listening to her, I turned it off.

I finished straightening up my work space in the minutes it took for her to tell me off, leaving me with enough time to hear her say, “You don’t even try with Minho anymore.”

I’ve never moved faster, turning myself around to flash her a glare that could kill.

“Don’t I?” I balled my fingers into fists.

“He says you don’t.”

“You saw us last night at the bar, right? We were having a fantastic time,” I sneered. “Didn’t it seem like it?”

Jade, who still had her arms folded, shrugged. “I guess, I dunno, I was a little drunk.”

“Then let me clear it up for you,” I said, taking three steps toward her. “He found me after the panic attack Felix told you all about.” Her eyes show no sign of cracking, she was maintaining her ground. I wasn’t even sure when this became a competition. “Me and Felix were fine, things were good, I was good, and then he came over with his little puppy dog on a leash, and the two of them harassed Felix.”

If she wasn’t going to question what Minho made me think she was going to question- I was not going to bring it up.

“What they said, the word they used?” I couldn’t imagine what my face looked like. “Felix doesn’t care who knows he’s gay, he told us himself months ago that he’s been out since he was fifteen.”

Jade blinked a couple of times and focused down on the concrete.

“Your friends made a shitty move,” I said, nodding. “There isn’t a person on earth who should use that word. It’s disgusting.”

“My friends,” she said, looking back up at me.

“Yeah,” I dug. “Your friends. My friends don’t talk to people that way.”

Her lips parted to throw something back at me, but she hesitated and snapped her jaw shut. I knew what she wanted to say. I could see it on her face.

What friends?

“I didn’t know that happened,” she opted to say instead. Folding my hands together I let them dangle in front of my thighs as I leaned backward to rest my body against one of the workbenches.

“Well, it’s not like Felix was just gonna tell anybody he got belittled, was he?”

Jade jabbed a finger toward her heart. “He’s my friend too, Jinnie. They all are. Felix is too nice, he’s not going to start something for no reason.”

My temper almost snapped. “No reason? They fucking called him-”

“Don’t yell at me! I’m not the one who said it,” her own anger shone in her eyes, much like mine. “God, we can’t even have one conversation without you screaming.”

“Without- are you kidding?” I sighed heavily, a sadistic smile appearing on my lips. “If you listened to me I wouldn’t have to do that.”

Jade snickered and shook her head. “And what am I supposed to do with…” her voice trailed off as she dropped her arms to her side and slouched over a bit. With her voice flat as can be, shot me an empty look to groan, “This.” She stood up and adjusted her posture. “So annoying.”

My heart twisted. It twisted until I thought I was going to go dizzy and fall to the dusty ground of this garage.

“Yet you’re still with me,” I muttered as loud as I could. Her expression went wild. There were a few seconds of silence. I thought it had happened, that this was the break up. It was extremely unclear what this entire discussion had done, but one thing was for sure, neither of us knew how to fix it.

“Felix mentioned he’s free tonight if you want to hang out at Haven,” Jade said quickly. “So you don’t have to be alone, and so he can… check in with you about yesterday.”

The sudden switch in subjects made it obvious that Jade didn’t have anything else to say. That, or she didn’t want to follow my comment up with a single thought of her own.

And that was what I was dying for most.

The anger boiling beneath my skin calmed like crazy at the mention of Felix and his invitation, but it was weird to feel excited about seeing him while standing here in front of Jade.

If I was going to be his friend though, it was normal. This was normal. Two friends going out for a drink to catch up, to hang out, to chill. That’s what people did with one another.

Jade’s mask slipped for half of a second as she watched me ponder over the invite, and I knew I could tell that she was worried.

“I had no idea you two were that close,” she said. Shrugging in response, not to purposely annoy her, I folded my arms over my torso.

“It’s probably just because of last night,” I said. “He’s- You know what he does for work… right?”

“I do,” Jade nearly snapped. She took in my quiet being for a minute before she said, “Have fun, I guess.” She started to walk out of the garage, taking her time, letting her feet drag over the ground like she had more to say. “Don’t drink too much,” she mumbled.

Popping my brows, I said, “Don’t have to worry about that, Felix is a good boy.” Jade glanced back at me fast, pausing her stroll.

“Right,” she narrowed her eyes.

“No, I mean it,” I said. “He didn’t even drink last night. If it’s just us I don’t know if I’ll even have one.” The derogatory chuckle that slipped past her lips made me sick.

“Okay,” was all she said before leaving me alone in the garage, either heading to work early or stopping by Chans for a while to complain about me.

I didn’t have much brain power left to process what had just happened, so instead of letting it bug me I decided to push it aside and bring it up later with Felix. I knew he was going to ask about it, he could probably help me decipher whether or not this relationship could be patched up- if I ask him as a friend.

Turning the radio off I snatch a towel from the workbench to pat down my forehead to my neck, and sling it around my shoulders as I take myself into the office and sit back in one of the black leather swiveling chairs. There were two in this single roomed building, black leather chairs from my boss's old home that his wife wanted to get rid of. This entire room was full of things he wasn’t allowed to keep anywhere else. Old baseball photos were on the wall and his desk, knick knacks of all sorts from trips and kids projects littered the shelves… It was homey in the best way.

Taking a breath in the cool air, I sit quietly for a couple of minutes and let my brain go blank. No thoughts of Jade, no thoughts of Haven, no thoughts of break ups, but a tiny, miniscule thought lingered behind. A thought that made me consider calling Felix instead of Sharon-Sherry first, just to tell him that I’d meet him at the bar tonight.

Snatching the phone off the set I press it to my ear, the flat dial tone buzzing without end. Staring down at the numbers, I hesitated, then huffed a laugh. I didn’t know his number by heart. I’d have to wait until Sharon-Sherry picked up her car to call him from home. Gathering the appropriate paperwork, I gave the woman a ring and told her the Ford was ready, acquiring another sweet set of words from her motherly instincts. It’s as if she could tell I grew up without one.

The family showed up within the hour, all four of them pulling up in the husbands pick up that desperately needed new tires, but I figured I’d let them come to me when they were ready. Already complaining about other companies' prices prior to their appointment with me, they didn’t need another expense right this second.

Their sons tumbled out of the backseat in their soccer jerseys with dirty knees and disheveled hair, trailing directly behind their mother like little ducks in a row. They hurried to the car and peeked around at it, babbling questions to me, asking me how I fixed it and what I had done.

Sharon-Sherry, who was actually Shelley, was talking over them as any mother would and took care of her bill with another soft smile. She thanked me for cleaning the windows that I had done while I waited for them to arrive, cupped my cheek one last time, and ushered her children into the vehicle.

The youngest, Felix, turned around to look at me where I stood in the doorway of the office, propped against the doorway on my shoulder. He smiled wide, missing a front tooth, waved, and said, “Thank you for helping my mom!”

Children were strange little beings. I didn’t exactly hate them, but I didn’t love them. This one, however, with chubby cheeks and a red Gatorade stain on his upper lip- this one was adorable. He got me to smile, and he even got a small wave in return.

Jumping up into the Ford, the boy reached to shut the door with two of his hands and buckled his seatbelt once he was settled. Listening to his mother as she spoke to the two of them, Shelley started the car and didn’t give me another look. Felix did, though. As his mother pulled out of the garage, he smiled at me until his little head couldn’t turn any further.

Shelley seemed like a good mom. I guess kids weren’t all that bad, it just mattered who was raising them.

Closing up shop, I left the paystub on my boss’s desk and clocked out, locking the office door on the front of the building. Leaving through the one that took me into the garage, I locked it as well and gathered my things from the shelf above one of the toolboxes, shoving my wallet deep into my back pocket.

It took me fifteen minutes total to get home after I pulled the garage shut. Taking my time once I got to my building, for no other reason than to possibly avoid Jade, I unlocked my apartment door quietly. Stepping inside into the air conditioning and closed curtains, nobody was home. I was unsure why it irked me though, Jade not being here. It’s not like after the argument we had she’d be here waiting for me, so why was I expecting her to be?

Over by the phone there was a small piece of paper with Felix’s name written on it followed by a number, in Jades handwriting. The tiny smiley face below it that she had drawn must’ve been an attempt to lessen the blow after coming to confront me at work. She was meticulous, she knew I’d come home and see it, she knew we were going to have a blown out of proportion conversation because that's how we rolled.

If she was out for the night, then so be it. I was too.

Dialing his number I waited with baited breath for the thick Aussie accent to bless my ears, and when it did swiftly, and deeply, I smiled bigger than I had all day.

“Hello?” Was all he had to say to flood my chest with warmth.

“Hi,” I began, twisting the phone cord around my finger. “I, uh, got your message.”

“Hyunjin,” it seemed Felix sighed. “Hey, how are you?”

“Fine,” my shoulders wanted to live beside my ears today. “Just got home from work, I need a shower.” A gentle laugh rumbled through the line from his end and I wanted to claw my fingers in my hair.

“Busy day?” Felix asked. Leaning my back against the counter top, the phone cord wrapped around my torso, stretching with me as I spun around.

“Not really,” I said. “Today was easy, only one appointment.”

“Was it something crazy?” It sounded like Felix had just woken up. Either that or he was really comfortable, relaxed. His voice was twice as deep as usual.

“Not at all, typical maintenance stuff I guess,” I said. “The lady was nice. She had a kid that had your name. He was a trip.” Nibbling my bottom lip, I smiled even wider hearing another laugh come through the phone.

“He’s a bad kid?”

Shaking my head as if he could see me before I answered, I said, “No. Not at all. He was respectful.”

“That’s really sweet,” Felix said. I could tell he was smiling too.

“I met him before I fixed up their car,” I said, then my voice dropped several decibel’s. “Made me think of you.”

Felix took a deep breath, I could hear it. There's a slight rustling around on his side, like he was sitting up, or laying down, either one, before he said, “I was thinking about you too.”

“Hope you didn’t hurt yourself in the process,” I joked, and he scoffed straight away.

“Don’t you dare start self-deprecating already,” he laughed again.

I couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Sorry, it’s a habit I guess.”

“Enough of it,” he said. “You sound like you’re having a much better day than yesterday, don’t sabotage it.”

Bobbing my head, I pressed my lips together. “Does it sound terrible if I say that’s because I spent most of the day alone?”

His end is quiet for longer than before, Felix pondering over what I’ve said. It did sound terrible to say that aloud, and the more time between him saying things made it worse.

“No,” he finally spoke, and I released a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. “I mean, maybe, but… You know when you feel your best, it’s okay to chase that feeling, you should chase that feeling.”

“Great, so I’ll see you at seven?” I sighed quickly, catching him right at the end of his sentence. Felix is silent once more.

“Yeah,” he nearly whispered. “I’ll see you at seven. Enjoy your shower.” We both laughed together before muttering quiet goodbyes.

The call made me feel good. I was going to chase that feeling.

A few minutes past seven I tiptoed into Haven. There weren’t any recognizable cars in the parking lot so it seemed like I was in the clear, even though I was meeting Felix here as a friend. Anxiety holed up in my chest below my heart on the drive over here. Running into other people who are considered my friends wasn’t on the to do list for the evening, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with it.

Yanking the heavy door open, another thing I wanted to change about this place, I walked straight over to the bar without a single glance anywhere else. I beelined for a stool, I almost ran. With a deep breath I rested my elbow on the wood and placed my chin on my fist.

The music was loud and made me cringe, and the people nose to nose that occupied every square inch of the concrete floor were speaking at a volume that had them yelling at one another. Amazing Haven.

A familiar face greets me from behind the bar, her curly blonde hair pulled back into a twisted bun tonight instead of dangling at her shoulders. With a smile she leaned forward and pointed behind me.

“Are you supposed to be over there?” Dina asked cheekily, giggling as I whipped my head to follow her direction. Felix was sitting at one of the high top tables in the back corner with his legs crossed and his thumb nail between his teeth.

His blonde hair wasn’t styled, it was unruly and free, just brushing his eyelashes and the nape of his neck. Around his neck he wore a skinny silver chain that hugged his skin snuggly, complimenting the pastel blue t-shirt he was wearing. As my eyes drew further down his body, my breath hitched within my throat. The shirt was cropped at the bottom, resting above the waist of his jeans, and with the way he was sitting with his legs crossed, one side had risen exposing the smallest sliver of sun kissed skin.

“He got here a few minutes ago,” Dina said, popping her brows when I looked at her. “Wandered in here with his eyes all big. I was wondering who he was looking for ‘cause none of your other friends are here.” She smirked. “Now it makes sense.”

Clearing my throat, I tucked my dark, clean hair behind my ear and shifted on the stool awkwardly. “You got to know us pretty fast.”

Dina shrugged. “Yeah, well, Minho works here. He talks about you guys all the time.”

Rolling my eyes I muttered, “I’m sure he does.” Glancing at Felix who hadn’t spotted me yet, his eyes were drawn to the people dancing in the middle of the room, I spun back around and leaned toward Dina. “Can I get a water… and a Sprite.”

“Water and a Sprite,” she smiled. “Go sit with your boyfriend, I’ll bring it back to you.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said quickly and quietly, my eyes probably ogling out of my head. That would’ve been a fun one for her to tell Minho. Peeking at whoever was beside me, praying it wasn’t a muscley man, I asked, “Why would you even think that?” My stomach flopped. Dina nodded her head slow, letting her eyes draw from Felix to me.

She whispered, “I’m gay.”

“Oh,” I sighed. Relief rushed through my veins. There was something comforting about her telling me this, having only known me for about twenty four hours.

“I could feel it between you two,” she said. “Friends don’t giggle at each other the way you two were gigglin’ at each other, dude. Plus, everytime you look at him you stink the place up with your fuckin’ pheramones like a lady in-”

“Okay!” I laughed, slapping a hand on the wood to cut her off. Dina grins, proud. Dropping my gaze to the bar, I released a breath and slouched a bit.

“I won’t say anything,” she said, making me look up at her. The look on her face read understanding, and safety. “I heard Han and Minho last night, what they were saying. I’m actually a little disappointed ‘cause I thought Minho was cool.”

Another roll of my eyes was a satisfying response to her.

“I get it,” she said. “That’s what I mean. And I’m hoping this place doesn’t turn into a homophobe sanctuary.” She laughed at herself. “You’re safe with me. Now, go. You look happy when you talk to him.”

I followed her instruction and stood up, facing the back of the bar with my lips pressed together. Waiting for only a few seconds, I took a deep breath and started for Felix. Felix who looked really pretty. Glancing down to myself and my dark clothes I only hoped that he wouldn’t judge what I was wearing, it seemed he always knew how to dress himself, I didn’t want to look like a schlub next to him.

His sharp jaw was clenched, pointed directed toward the dance floor, he barely noticed me walking toward him until I was a few feet away. Shooting me a look with wide eyes, he broke out into a small smile and sat forward, his arms still folded over his chest.

“Hi,” he said, watching me as I sat down in the chair across from him. The round table put about two feet of space between us.

“Hey,” I said, sitting backward, smiling at him. He didn’t respond right away, instead his gaze was fixated on mine, then it danced around my appearance, probably analyzing me, or whatever his therapist brain was trained to do. The smile was still on his face though, despite him studying my energy.

“How was your shower?” he teased, laying his hands on the table.

Shaking my head, I laughed. “Was fantastic, thanks for asking.”

“Of course,” he said. “I’m glad it was fantastic, you deserve it.”

If anyone was looking, if there was a single soul watching us, I’m positive our cheesy grins were insufferable. Neither of us had stopped.

“Did you work today?” I asked. His brown eyes softened as he shook his head.

“Not today,” he said. “I get off on Thursdays, but I’ll be there all day tomorrow.”

“Thursday’s your only day off?” I asked, my smile dropping finally, pulling into a frown.

Felix shook his head. “During the week it is, I still have weekends.”

Dina approached our table with two glasses in one hand and two shots in the other, making Felix question me with his brows. “Here we go boys,” she said happily. Then, with a wink to us both she said, “Enjoy. This rounds on me, but, shift change.” She gestured toward the bar. “I’ll see you guys again.”

Felix had the view of her walking away, and once she was out of ear shot he flashed me a grin. “What is this?”

Picking up the shot she had placed in front of me, I smelled it and huffed a laugh. “I only ordered the drinks, I didn’t know she was gonna do this.” Tipping the shot glass toward him I shrugged. “You don’t have to drink it.”

“Is this what I think it is?” he asked, taking a sip of the soda out of the straw. To his delight, he smacked his lips once and laughed aloud, swatting one of my hands. “You’re so funny.” Nibbling my bottom lip I glanced at my lap and blushed, smiling entirely too big.

“I had to,” I said. “You love it.” Our eyes met as he took another sip and nodded.

Placing the glass on the table, Felix said, “I’m flattered you remember.”

“It was only last night,” I shrugged, furrowing my brows the slightest.

“Yeah, but, you were drinking,” he said, his tone calm enough that it didn’t disrupt my nervous system. “Things get a little blurry.”

“Something like that,” I agreed, bobbing my head. Felix gave me a soft smile, then took both shot glasses in his hands and insisted I take it. “What?” I questioned, raising a brow.

“Let’s do it,” he said. Cupping the little glass, I dropped my chin just enough to eye him curiously. “I’m serious!”

“You don’t have to.” My tentative tone made him pout. Now my nervous system has jolted. Those big eyes and squished lips were dangerous. I’ve never had so many butterflies in my stomach at once. “You work tomorrow, and it’s just us here, we don’t need to drink, I mean.”

A foot of his stretches underneath the table to tap one of my ankles. “You really are funny,” he said. “I can handle a shot, Hyunjin.” I retaliate and tap his ankle next, but with both of my feet to trap it.

“I just wanted to make sure,” I said, letting my voice lilt playfully. Sitting forward to rest my chest against the table, I squeeze his ankle between my feet and tug it toward me. His entire chair moved beneath him, the legs scooting closer to the table, closer to me.

“Oh my god!” he laughed, gripping the edge of the wood. Letting his leg go free, placing mine on the rungs of the chair below, I held the shot up toward him and smirked. Felix copied me, a shit eating smirk appearing on his lips as he held the shot out.

Under the table his foot found mine again, but this time it danced up my shin as he re-crossed his own legs, letting his foot rest against the inside of my knee. Perking a brow, he tapped the rim of his glass to mine and knocked it back without a cringe to my amazement. Someone doing a shot shouldn’t be as hot as that was.

He put the glass down and licked his lips, dragging his thumb over the bottom one all while keeping his eyes locked on mine. My parted lips gave me away, and he laughed.

“C’mon,” he mumbled, taking the glass from me. Watching him move, he pressed the glass to my lips and tipped it backward, my body following the unspoken directions, tilting my chin back so the vodka could go right down my throat. He didn’t have to say a word, my body reacted to him in an instant.

I swallowed and looked at him. We were both shocked by what had just happened, his hands were frozen in front of me holding an empty shot glass.

Last night Felix told me he didn’t do cheaters. Last night Felix stopped me from making a mistake by kissing him. I hadn’t told him a lick of what has happened with Jade since then, and here he was dangling his foot between my knees and caressing my chin with his fingers feeding me a shot of alcohol.

It must’ve been a collective realization because he quickly pulled his leg back, shifting sideways in his chair to lean against the back of it, putting more space between us. His ring filled fingers were folded and placed in his lap where I couldn’t reach them.

“Sorry,” he said with a single nod. I still hadn’t moved, I was leaning over the wood.

“S’okay,” I laughed. “You got me back for yesterday.”

Felix closed his eyes for a moment to laugh with me. “So, what? We’re even now?” he asked, flashing me a look.

Pursing my lips, I nodded. “Yeah, we’re even.”

“So, we can start over?” he asked. Cocking my head sideways, I narrowed my eyes. “Last night, and… now. We can start over. It never happened.”

“Oh,” I sighed. What an interesting concept, starting over. If it was possible for Felix, I’m sure it’d be possible for me as well. “Yeah, we can start over.” The smile that took over his plush lips made me melt.

“So, Hyunjin,” Felix started, resting his arms on the table, leaning toward me once again. “What do you do for work?” The playful, sarcastic interest in his eyes made me laugh. This was going to be too much fun.

An hour or so passed and the two of us had talked about absolutely everything. Felix heard about work, and I heard about his, and after the jokes had dissipated things got a little more serious and I brought up Jade and what had happened earlier today in the garage. Not a detail was spared, he heard it all. For some reason, around Felix, no matter what we were discussing, I was unable to hide anything.

He told me about their phone call, and he apologized for telling Jade about my panic attack, but he assumed that she and I would’ve talked when we had gotten home. I told him what happened instead, leaving out the part where he was on my mind.

Okay, maybe I was able to hide something from him. This was still brand new, and I wanted him to be a friend, and we technically just started over, so I didn’t want to ruin anything.

Another hour after that we were discussing our families, and I found out that he was a middle child sandwiched between sisters who lived in Australia together. His entire family moved out here a couple of years ago because of his father and work, but once his eldest sister was of age she moved back home with the youngest of the three. By that time Felix had been close to graduating and was already working where he’s currently employed, so he decided to stay.

Discussing my family wasn’t on my list of favorite things to do, so when the conversation shifted over to myself I attempted to ask him more about his. Felix, directly beside me, having switched seats at some point within the night, shook his head and insisted that I tell him about my life, that he wanted to hear about it.

A part of me didn’t want to because of the therapist within him, but then again the other part of me had never been asked about myself on this level of depth. Nor had anyone ever wanted to listen, or wanted to know.

It came out slow, and he hung onto every word, keeping quiet, letting me tell my story the way that I wanted to. He didn’t interrupt, even to ask why. The slight raise in brows in the center of his forehead was enough to keep me going, to keep me talking. Even when I brought up what high school was like with my drunk of a father, how he’d stopped caring long before I even went in, and I had to hold the four years together on my own, and that was when I had started drinking myself… Felix took my arm in his hand and caressed the muscle with his thumb, his gaze holding an ocean of empathy for me.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, inches away from me.

With a shrug I said, “It’s okay. That’s over now.”

“When was the last time you spoke to him?” Felix asked, squeezing my arm for support.

“The truth?” I questioned, and he nodded. “When I graduated from school. High school.” The way his face screwed up in pain as if he was the one to go through what I had hurt my heart. This empathetic creature had a big storm coming if he wanted to keep me close. “I moved in with Changbin as soon as possible, then we went to college together.”

“How’d you get through school?” he asked. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

I shifted closer to him, letting my shoulder rest against his. “No, it’s fine,” I said. “I, uh, reached out to my family when I wanted to go, while I was still in my senior year, and my grandfather- My moms dad. He helped me some of the way. I think in some ways I thank my mom, like she was looking out for me, or something, I dunno it probably sounds cheesy. I ended up getting a scholarship ‘cause I’m pretty good at school believe it or not. Think I get that from her, ‘cause I sure don’t get it from my dad.”

Felix was focused on my lips while I spoke, and his body weight was falling into mine like he couldn’t get close enough.

“That’s beautiful,” he said quietly, and I looked over at him. Our noses were inches apart. “She gave you a part of her to keep.” I smiled.

“I got her face, too,” I joked, wiggling my brows. “I look just like her.”

Felix smiled, eyes studying my features. “She must’ve been positively stunning.”

“She was,” I whispered. “She was kind, too. And she loved to sing.” Felix took one of my hands in his, for comfort, unsure of how this was going to make me feel. Talking about my mother was hard, but around Felix it came easy.

“Do you like to sing?” he asked, the corners of his lips perking up. My eyes went wide as I shook my head.

“I’m not very good,” I half-groaned, making him laugh his beautiful laugh.

“When do you ever get the chance to?” he drew on. “I’m sure you’re good, don’t doubt yourself.” His fingers messed around with mine.

“If I'm in the garage alone, maybe I will,” I said. “Or, if I’m driving alone, maybe.”

“So no one’s ever heard you sing?” Felix squinted mischievously.

I smiled. “I try not to make unnecessary noise.” He laughs again, his head falling to my shoulder as the sound blesses my ears. “I’m serious!” I exclaimed. “Did I not just tell you about my dad? You think he wanted me to be singing around our house?!” The more things I said, the harder he laughed, but I knew he wasn’t laughing at me. “The guy passed out at two in the afternoon, I’m sure he would’ve loved being awoken by me belting Celine Dion when I got home from grade school.”

“Oh god, you’re gonna kill me!” Felix wrapped his arm that wasn’t occupied by my hand around his stomach, taking deep breaths to calm himself. Still face down on my shoulder, the laughter started up again as soon as it stopped.

“Now what?” I giggled with him.

“I’m sorry,” he sucked in a breath, “I can just imagine you as a kid scream singing in the shower or something, I just-” Lifting his head, there were tears rimming his eyes, and the sight was enough to make me lose it. Slapping the table a few times, Felix tips his head backward and screeches, “ANNND I-”

Several heads turn, unappreciative of the spontaneous display of Whitney Houston from the Aussie. With a cackle, I reach my other arm across him and pull him into my chest to shut him up. “I could’ve been Celine Dion herself, these people don’t know talent,” Felix said quickly between laughs and gulps of air.

My eyes shot open wide. “Who?!” Felix twists his brows and tilts his head. “Celine Dion? What? Who sings that song?”

“Whitney Houston!?” I cried, rocking us back and forth as we laughed even harder.

“I don’t know my women,” he said, sitting up in my arms to wipe the tears out of his eyes. My arms fell around his back, above his waist. The cropped shirt he was wearing had moved amongst the laughter, so my hands were barely touching the bare skin of his hips.

“I don’t expect you to,” I said softly, teasingly. Felix dropped his hands into my lap and sighed with a goofy grin, his head lulling to the right.

As chaos ensued within Haven around us, the air between us fell still, and quiet. It wasn’t awkward, if anything it felt right, like this was where we were supposed to be- making fools out of ourselves when neither of us were drunk, not giving a shit about what people thought of us. It was the most free I’ve felt in ages, it was liberating, and it was because of Felix. He wanted to get to know me, for me. He wanted to listen to me, to listen to me. He was genuine, and he cared.

And the way his eyes shifted in this moment gave me a scare. A small one. I knew mine had changed as well, so it should’ve been no surprise. The strength in our gazes was incredibly magnetic, that once the world got dizzy, our foreheads touched, and I was looking down at him, feeling my heart flutter at the way he gazed up through his long lashes.

A hand slid up behind my neck, Felix’s fingers tangling in the hair on the nape of my neck, his nails on my scalp sending a shiver down my spine. Lips parted, he smiled, and his big eyes closed, as did mine.

I could’ve flatlined right then and there.

He kissed me. He, Felix, kissed me.

It wasn’t a chaste, delicate kiss either. Felix kissed me in a way that rendered me thoughtless, like he’d been waiting years for this. His fingers tightened in my hair, keeping me close. Resting my hands on his back, I slid them up his shirt and pressed my fingers into his muscle, sighing within the kiss. He was tiny, but he was strong, I could literally feel it.

Between shared air and more kisses, his fingers twirled my hair around, messing with it to his heart's content. His rings nudged my scalp, the coolness of the metal adding to the comforting sensation.

And it was over before I knew it. Felix’s hand slipped down to my shoulder as he pulled away, sitting backward to look at me. I couldn’t read his expression, it was a mix of lust and uncertainty.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Taking my hands from around his back to his knees, I lowered my brows and shook my head.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I loved that.”

Felix pressed his lips together sheepishly. “Me too. I thought about that all night last night.”

Releasing a breath, I half laughed. “I thought about you all night last night.” Felix narrowed his eyes, remembering what I told him I did last night. “And I mean, all night.”

He took a deep breath. “What do you say, we have a drink, just one, then we can go? I work early, and this place is starting to give me a headache, anyway.” I accepted this as his acknowledgement, and smiled.

“I’d love one,” I said.

“Perfect,” he sighed, jumping out of the chair. “I’ll go, you stay here. Don’t run away on me.” He signaled to me and his eyes with two of his fingers and waltzed towards the bar without saying anything else.

Turning to face the table completely, straightening my posture out, I sat backward and scanned my surroundings, not realizing the place had filled up entirely while Felix and I had sat here for hours. Thursdays were popular, I guess, but then again, like always, this place was always full. Crossing my arms, I watched the people dance to the music and it didn’t make me want to vomit. For some reason, tonight it was tolerable.

Felix came back faster than he was gone, empty handed.

Sitting up, I smiled and started to ask, “Hey, do you maybe wanna-”

“Nope,” he said, his tone hushed and rushed. “I think we should go.”

My mouth was still open, mid-question asking, so I opted for a nod.

“Uh, sure, yeah we can-”

“Minho’s at the bar,” Felix said. Shift change, Dina had told us. I didn’t even put two and two together.

Rage filled my entire being. Tightening my fists, I clenched my jaw just the same.

“What’d he say to you,” I growled.

Felix shook his head. “Nothing, I didn’t even make it up there. I saw him, and he saw me, and the look on his face, I just… He clearly saw me before I saw him, so I don’t know what else he saw.” There was a quiver in Felix’s voice that I had never heard before, it sounded like worry. And I was well aware of what came after worry. And I’ll be damned if it’s Minho who makes Felix feel that way.

“I swear to god,” I grumbled, leaping from my chair with persistence. Seconds away from storming over to the bar, Felix caught me by the arm and held me back. Turning, I looked down at him and his pleading eyes.

“Don’t,” he said firmly. “Let’s just go.”

“But, he-”

“No,” Felix said, giving my arm a squeeze. “We’re leaving. Please.”

His ‘please’ must’ve hit me just right.

We were out of that bar without a measly second glance at Minho.

I knew some damage had been done. There was no way I was getting out of this one. This time I had a witness.

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