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islandofsages · 4 months

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Hey, I wanted to ask for the housewardens with a male!reader from their dorm that have the same name as the Seven's sidekicks (?).

Example : Cerberus for Idia, Diaval for Malleus, FlotSam for Azul, ect...

And people (*cough* Yuu *cough*) always compared the reader with the housewarden and always say things like : "oh yeah, the new Diaval and the new Maleficent.." *looking at Reader and Malleus talking about Briar Valley.*

characters: the housewardens x male reader

tags: platonic, fluff + crack, imagines + scenario format; yuu is there, mentions of ruggie and jack in leona's, mentions of the leech twins in azul's, mentions of jamil in kalim's, mentions of ortho in idia's, mentions of sebek in malleus'

warnings: nothing

author's notes: i tried to choose characters that aren't already inspirations for the characters in the game so some of them end up being from the second movie and stuff LOL sorry if this isnt what you want anon but honestly i did have a lot of fun writing this

Riddle Rosehearts — The King of Hearts

You’re not sure why and how but you’re dubbed as The King of Hearts of your dorm, alongside Riddle who is the Queen

Unsure of what to make of this, you ignore it and continue to devote yourself to the Queen just as any normal person would sorry this is kinda satire

Riddle is simply your friend. You cherish him a lot and you respect him and his beliefs. Even when he overblotted, your faith in him is unwavering

Speaking of the overblot, after the whole catastrophe, you’ve grown a lot closer with the other card soldiers, along with the magicless kid named Yuu and their pet (Grim was his name?)

They would greet you from time to time, stop by to have a chat when they’re free and check up on the dorm

One day, they made an offhand comment about you and Riddle

“You guys are paving the way for the new generation of the Queen of Hearts and the King of Hearts. Though, I guess the King of Hearts didn’t really do anything anyway.”

First of all, what the hell are you talking about?

Second of all, you’d say you contribute much to the dorm. For Yuu to assume such a thing for you simply because some “past King of Hearts” didn’t do so is ridiculous

You don’t voice these things out loud and shrug it off as them saying random things again, or making some kind of reference you don’t get

And because, third of all, you realize they broke rule 228: they definitely picked a rose in your garden. So you go to kick them out before Riddle could find out.

All in the day’s work for the King of Hearts.

Leona Kingscholar — Zira

You could say you and Leona are tight - maybe not Ruggie and Leona tight, but almost

And part of that can be attributed to the fact that you may or may not idolize Leona. But hey, it’s not strange. If Jack can do it, why can’t you? At least it’s not on Sebek’s level

Plus, you deserve to have some pride in yourself for being one of the only people Leona confidently calls a friend of his

Though, one person has been persistent about being Leona’s friend - Yuu, the person who just spawned out of nowhere apparently

You’d catch them talking to Leona sometimes and to be frank, there are times where Leona is less annoyed than usual at their presence

One day in particular, the three of you are hanging around Savanaclaw’s lounge, when Yuu drops a bombshell

“Ah yes, of course, you two are exactly like Scar and his creepily-devout follower, Zira.”

??? Yes, Zira is (a variation) of your name but you wouldn’t call yourself “creepily-devout”. Also, who even is Scar?

Leona’s ears twitch in annoyance, either because he doesn’t understand what Yuu means or that he’s put off by their phrasing

You sit in silence, deciding if this is a topic worth asking more about or not

Curiosity gets the best of you - you ask them. They basically dump all the information they could onto you

Yeah, you still don’t get it. But whoever this other Zira is, they’re kinda cool honestly.

Azul Ashengrotto — Morgan(a)

A lot of people consider you one of Azul’s henchmen alongside Jade and Floyd - God forbid working to the bone every day for the Mostro Lounge, right?

But you don’t take it as an insult. It’s no compliment to be so loyal to such a capitalistic bastard (said affectionately) but it’s just another part of your life

Plus. You’re friends with the dude. His cunning nature is what you’re here for

Maybe sometimes you feel a little inferior to him since everyone lauds him as some powerful mage but you tell yourself you don’t need such prestige

Though even outside of work, sometimes you see that Yuu person loiter around the Mostro Lounge in search of Azul (and the Leech siblings occasionally)

So you decide to sit down with them one day and have a nice little chat when-

“So you’re the Morgana dude right? You definitely give off the vibes. Let me guess: you have a love-hate relationship with your stronger, superior boss?”

You have to do a double take at what they just spouted - where are these assumptions coming from suddenly?

Also your name is Morgan.

They laugh and assure you it’s only a joke and a reference to a movie they like since Azul and you have an uncanny resemblance to the characters in that movie

Even still, you can’t help but feel confused… no way they just go up to people and reference things they enjoy right…?

You try to work on your vibes starting the very next day.

Kalim Al-Asim — Aladdin

You’re somewhat of an enabler for Kalim’s party animal and reckless tendencies which Jamil doesn’t really appreciate but also you don’t give a shit

Who can say no to free food and music? Well, a specific amount of people but you’re definitely not one of them

Kalim is friends with everyone; or rather, he considers everyone a friend and that considerately counts you too

But you two really are though - after the party’s died down, the two of you would chat late into the night about everything and anything. And it works because he’s such a good listener

At one of his many parties, the Yuu person who’s apparently from another world comes to party along with you

And so you eat and dance as one usually would under Kalim’s rule, learning bits of information about Yuu along the way

As per usual, the party dies down so you, Kalim and Yuu take the chance to relax and have a concrete conversation

At some point, Yuu comments on your name (and apparent namesake…?)

“Wait, so your name is Aladdin? Like the thief guy who fell in love with the Sultan’s daughter? Feels kinda weird since Kalim kinda reminds me of the Sultan himself…”

Well, yes, your name is Aladdin although you just tell people to call you Ali but everything else they just said is completely false

You all laugh it off because the mood is appropriate for an elaborate joke as such but the next day, when you think over the whole interaction, you have to wonder what was going on through their head at the time

You make a mental note to see if you’ll ever fall in love with a sultan’s daughter.

Vil Schoenheit — Raven

You’re a little intimidated by Vil but you have as much respect for him as anyone does

And somehow, you manage to gain his respect too, though you are a mere spudling…

You try not to let it get to your head (especially considering he has more respect for some other spuds than you) but it’s no easy feat to get a compliment from Vil Schoenheit himself

One person in particular has been getting a lot of attention from Vil lately, you’ve noticed

This Yuu person has been stopping by Pomefiore a lot lately, ever since the weird invasion at school where a bunch of robot people broke into the school grounds

You don’t question it because they’ve been interacting with Vil since the VDC but the thing is Yuu has been trying to get to know more of the dorm members

And one day, they get to you finally

They seem normal enough once you two sit down to chat in the lounge—

“Hm, so your name is Raven? I think I vaguely remember a raven being in Snow White…”

You have no idea what that means and before you could change the topic yourself, Yuu dismisses it; but then the next day, when you were thinking about the exchange again, you get curious as to what a Snow White is

So you start to scour the Internet for this “Snow White” and it manages to consume you for a few days until Yuu tells you that it’s just a movie from their world

You don’t talk to them for a few days.

Idia Shroud — Meg

You and the Shroud brothers are more like frenemies than anything - you three banter like old friends who know too much about each other

Other than Ortho, Idia does ask you for some favors a lot and you like joking that he’s drowning in debt when it comes to you

Sometimes he pays back by gaming with you, sometimes he pays with actual money. Good money at that. You don’t complain either way

One day you run another favor for him (which he promises more good money for) to send some stuff to Ramshackle

A person named Yuu and their only other dorm member Grim had sent stuff to Idia for repairing and maintenance - not that you care about the details. You’re just gonna get it over with

Once you reach their dorm, the first thing you’re met with are the two dorm members bickering over something. You chuckle; it reminds you of your conversations with Idia

You excuse yourself for interrupting and go to drop off their things on the table in the middle of the lounge

They stop bickering then and Yuu greets you momentarily before muttering something under their breath

“Of course the new Meg to the new Hades dropped off our stuff.”

You assume they don’t know that you heard what they said and quite frankly you don’t want to care much but you admit you’re a bit curious of what they mean

When you get back to Idia, you ask him to decipher that cryptic message

He admits he has no idea what they mean by that, simply tells you not to think about it and pays you with some good old cash - and some fun gaming time so you forget all about it later anyway.

Malleus Draconia — Diaval

You are one of Malleus’ loyal retainers - you were bestowed the honor of being his “wings” even whatever that means

But Malleus sees you as an equal almost. You are no servant and you have your own wings to tend to; it’s the stuff that would move Sebek to tears

You do see him as a friend mostly, even if at first you started doing so out of pity

But now you see him making more friends around campus and you can’t help but feel happy for and proud of him

There’s one friend who he seems to be around a lot - the magicless human named Yuu

It makes sense since he does enjoy taking walks around their dorm, even before they came to occupy it

One day, you three make the time to have tea together and simply talk. It’s all very pleasant when Yuu says-

“You know, don’t you think it’s weird how your name is Diaval and you’re serving someone who’s strangely reminiscent of Maleficent?”

Well, you don’t think it’s weird because you have no idea what they’re referencing and who Maleficent is - and Malleus seems to think the same, with the confused look on his face and all

Also as true as it is that you’re Malleus’ retainer, you don’t appreciate someone phrasing it as you “serving” him

Yuu apologizes for the comment and explains what they mean by it. You both still don’t get it but it’s enough to make you shrug it off

Sometimes Yuu would still make such comments, thinking you don’t hear it but knowing it’s not that deep, it doesn’t affect the three of you’s friendship whatsoever.

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maddiviner · 7 months

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NPCs! OMG

I'm not one of those people who insists arguing on the internet is for dweebs. I realize it has a place and function. I just sometimes feel the need to curb my own impulse to do that, especially on those completely empty ten-hour night shifts. If I don't hold back, I end up writing replies to people on Facebook like this.

Little context - I've been hanging out in this group on Facebook about "Simulation Theory." It's mostly what you'd expect?

I have no clue when I joined this group - probably in the distant past, and/or I expected something else from it. I was pretty interested in that kinda thought experiment when i was in university, mostly as a result of this whole "make fun of Descartes" shit that went on.

I'm pretty sure it only started showing up in my feed suddenly (rather recently) because of a health diagnosis that the group seems to find fascinating. Guess when I joined support groups for that, it also started putting this group in my feed because of it.

Either way, I stayed in the group (with some other people I met there) to lurk, learn what they're believing, and try and push people away from that kind of thing.

They have this obsession with NPCs, who are supposedly soulless creatures that look utterly like humans in every other way. They argue constantly about whether NPCs are controlled by evil intelligences, or just AI, stuff like that.

In the above I was trying to explain to some poor sap that the people he saw in a cafe laughing unprovoked weren't, in fact, glitched-out soulless entities called NPCs, but instead probably just thinking about dangerous sex acts involving dextromethorphan.

If you find yourself writing that kind of explanation or reply on the internet, dial it back a bit? I did. That screenshot was taken a while back, and now I'm mostly lurking that awful group, if that. I often tell myself that those kinds of comments are meant to convince the lurkers more than the people I'm debating... but there's a limit to that, wtf.

Why? I don't really know. It seems to really show the cutting edge of how the techbros are meshing with the New Age movement. It's disturbing, but I want to know what is going on there. Plus, they won't stop bringing up my particular diagnosis, and I still jump in to debunk that association when I see it.

#new age #simulation theory #simulation #cult #cults #doused #eliza.tx #unreality mention #kink mention #i guess #dxm #npcs #demiurge #metaphysics #philosophy #well #sort of #nerdy demiurge #unreality

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9w1ft · 7 months

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9wing! thoughts on #that part of the 1989 TV prologue?

this is me admitting im probably not going to be reading the room correctly so my apologies

coming from the perspective of someone who has been focused on building my understanding of taylor’s relationship with one person based on a continuing thread over years, amidst a sea of people doing precisely what taylor described, which is starting rumors about her and whoever she touches, i read this prologue and said, well… yeah! yep!!!

maybe one alternative way to look at it is to say that it’s just her saying “i thought i could take cover with men but i became too big to hang out so i decided to take cover with women but the same things happened!” which is true. and if you believe she had a relationship that she wanted to keep secret but still enjoy some semblance of life with, it is true that there was no combination of men or women that they hung out with that stopped people from assuming the secret was theirs to prove.

now, when i think about the prologue from a more meta perspective, i can understand how many had high hopes for a different 1989 tv era than the one we have been previewed as of late, and i recognize that that the thing is worded in a way that people who send hate to gaylors will take as permission to send even more hate to gaylors, and in the abstract, what this is is taylor choosing words that she should know by now will send hate to a group of people that is majority gay (umbrella term), and there’s something kinda wonky about that whole setup given the power imbalance.. although, it’s not one fan’s tweets against the biggest singer of our time, it’s a sea of people, and in some ways taylor is but one person. she has feelings. and just the same as you and i, it’s probably difficult to always feel like you have to take the high road simply for the principle of the thing, when the way people treat you or speak about you as if they know you might sometimes bother you. maybe sometimes we (the collective we, her fans) can’t have nice things because we break them, and she had to take them away. we are all going to feel different ways about that, but i don’t think taylor’s feelings are illegal for her to have.

i think about a particular span of time — back in the era in which she wrote the 1989 songs spanning all up through the 1989 era and until she disappeared —and how we all can see that she went through a singular hell because things were recorded and things were reported. i’m sure this hell will be punctuated again with stuff in the vault tracks. and part of her experience in that hell was finally finding someone who loved her for who she was and let her wear high heels and let her bejeweled, as it were, someone broad shouldered, a love that was really something not just the idea of something, only for it to be overexposed via a few grainy cellphone videos before taylor was ready for it to be. and people ran with it when she wasn’t ready to, and there were other people who might have wanted a heads up. and yeah she was drunk that night and yes she was dropping hints and screaming it every step of the way but every situation has nuance and gray and there was probably some unexplained line or implied boundary that taylor sees that we as fans may or may not see at any given time when it comes to what she feels is too much.

and it kind of reminds me of how taylor penned the lyric “talk your talk and go viral i just need this love spiral” which probably meant something close to “you can all profit off rumors of me all you want i don’t like it but i can’t stop it and im not going to stop loving who i’m with no matter how viral your claims get” when she probably could have anticipated a lot of people would have just taken “talk you talk and go viral” as some sort of manchurian directive to make all the content always every day 🙈 so for her to drop this sort of prologue right now where she highlights how people talk about her being with everyone probably feels extra hypocritical or unnecessary when you look at it from a certain perspective. but i can also recognize how multiple things, multiple feelings, can be true

and so to circle back to what it made me think personally, from a kaylor perspective, idk it made sense to me in some way 😆 in not gonna be like hey guys think the same as me, no. no, no. please think the way you need to but as for myself i’m just going to keep on in the way that i think is best and keep a lookout for signs of feedback about what she might want more of or less of from me and adjust as i see fit. so yes, these have been my thoughts.

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ladyluscinia · 8 months

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Oh so they're doubling down on saying that enjoying a character they don't like and being defensive (and, admittedly, a bit petty) in what's effectively a Flame War is a red flag for demonstrating cult-like fandom behavior, while clarifying that no one is actually calling Izzy fans a cult. Yet. Just saying we need to nip this in the bud, you know?

(This being... what exactly? Arguing about S2 predictions on tumblr? Vaguing people? - Hi! 🫡 Having "bad" takes that may or may not be problematic? Bitching about tagged character crit / hate about your fave, sometimes on the posts in question? Dedicating blogs to wank? Welcome to every-fandom-ever-including-BlackBonnet, I guess.)

Not a new accusation, but since people are once again making ominous statements about the "concerning" potential of a Snapewives situation... maybe we should pass around a reminder of who, exactly, they're referencing?

The Snapewives (Fanlore Link, Reddit Synopsis) were an extremely small niche forum in a really huge fandom that are pretty much only known for infamous levels of cringe that got them mocked relentlessly when discovered by Fan Wank. We are talking a tiny subsection of a subsection of a subsection of the massive HP fandom that got really earnest with their self-insert fanfic / roleplaying (and really didn't like the canon ending of Snape's arc). There's actually a really interesting paper on analyzing "Snapism" as a religion that alludes to their particular issues with Christian faith and erotic fantasies, and can kinda sketch in how they might have gotten to where they did. It's weird, no doubt, but honestly sounds pretty harmless?

Like, I'm not sure if we're using the BITE model that they would even count as a real cult - "Snape" seems very controlling and makes them do things (cook specific dinners, stop biting nails, go on diets, etc.) but, like, there's no cult leader being "Snape". These are all self-assigned "tasks" via "channeling" (which is again weird but not super unique - read the paper) and then the women themselves disagree on things and could just come across as a really intense roleplaying forum having disputes over ratings for self-insert fic, among other things.

The situation is different when there's an obvious cult leader - see the extensive documented history of Andy "thanfiction" compiled here. Trigger warnings for sexual assault, abuse, manipulation... all the stuff you expect from cults. And really getting into reading the supplementary info will take you many hours, btw.

Anyway... having looked extensively at our "fandom cult" examples, I don't think I'm remotely "concerned" that we're veering toward cult behavior. Or Snapewives behavior. The Izzy section of fandom - and, for that matter, the Izzy Anti section of fandom - haven't really done anything that hasn't been done in countless flame wars before? Like we as a collective haven't even gotten to the levels of targeted character hate that I can glimpse by searching "Teen Wolf" right now, and frankly OFMD still isn't big enough to dream of replicating 2010s fandom's biggest hits. There's some cutting edge weaponization of social justice that's a more modern development, but that's still fundamentally just fighting about the fiction. Even the one doxxing incident is unfortunately not unique.

Sheesh, "Izzy Canyon" isn't even demonstrating a unified meta or consistent S2 desires / shipping preferences / etc. We're just better at not being dicks about it by necessity?

#fandom history #cults #tw cults #snapewives #ofmd harassment #the izcourse #ladyluscinia #tbh i mostly wrote this because i hadn't actually ever looked into the snapewives before and i was curious #the thanfiction post i had buried in my drafts after reading all the links and such a few months back

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stolenoc · 8 months

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Villainous Nights Fanfiction

Like fully two years ago I started writing a Villainous Nights AU where MC got recruited by Optimus before the Syndicate found her. I've stopped writing it, but I've always liked this scene and I'm sick of scrolling past it in my wips and being sad it won't be used, so here it is.

3500 words, MC x Juliette (Monarch & Bat too, I guess)

When I glance at the screen, it's to find an incoming call from one of my contacts- specifically, from Bat.

I'd be the first to admit I've been pretty forgetful lately- How could I not be? Thanks to all the hit and run attacks the Syndicate have been making lately, I’ve been basically working nonstop. I’m tired in a way that sleeping doesn’t even fix but, even so, I’m pretty sure I would remember saving one of the guys who are trying to kill me as a contact.

Did he like, hack into my phone and add this? Is that a thing you can do? I guess it's probably a thing he can do. His name is listed as "Bat- Just wanna talk", which is… well, it’s in character for him, if nothing else. He does like to talk.

After taking a quick, guilty glance around to make sure I'm mostly alone (I'm not strictly sure if I'd be allowed to accept calls from the people the company is actively at war with), I answer the phone, heart pounding in my ears.

"Hey, Monarch," says Bat, even now sounding as awkwardly, inappropriately casual as ever.

I scoff. It's an angry sound, and I realise that I am angry. How dare he know who I am? We had such a good thing going, the Syndicate and I. It was like a game- A high stakes game that sometimes resulted in broken bones but, you know. It felt like there was respect there.

"You might as well just use my real name," I say, and it comes out as a growl through my gritted teeth. "What's this about, dude? Just trying to scare me? Because congrats, yeah, it's working."

A sudden intake of breath. Then, "No- no, Monarch, uh... Lana. This isn't a threat- okay so, in retrospect? I can see how this-"

"Oh, it's not a threat?" I hiss. "That's funny, because I am feeling exceptionally threatened. I swear, Bat, if the Syndicate goes after my-"

"The Syndicate doesn't know who you are, Lana!" he says, cutting me off. "I do. Just me. I haven't told anyone else. I really do want to talk, just the two of us."

Well. Okay. That shuts me up. I take a moment- there's just a lot to unpack with that. Bat knows who I am, and is calling me "just to talk", and wants to keep the rest of the Syndicate out of it. I... can probably work with this.

Toning down the aggression a notch, I say, "So, what is this, then? Are you looking for a job, Bat? Should I put you through to HR? There’s a couple positions open, actually."

I regret making the joke instantly- that particular wound’s still pretty raw for me- but Bat does laugh. He says, "No, I'm good, thanks. And I'm no turncoat- the Syndicate knows I'm calling you, just not who you are."

"Wait, so you're saying that they know that you know- and they're okay with you keeping it a secret?" I ask, dubiously. "Even Murderpants McKnifeguy?"

Bat snorts. He says, "They're... well, they can't do much about it, really. I'm kinda irreplaceable? They love me for my big genius brain and stuff. But yes, Falcon is extremely pissed."

"Yeah, I bet."

"It helps that I'm kinda keeping away from them, also," he admits. "Full disclosure? Everyone's shouting at me today, it completely blows. But that's not why I'm calling you."

Even though every suspicious instinct Optimus drilled into me is telling me to hang up, to go tell Rene or someone about the intrusion, to run screaming to Juliette's apartment to make sure she's okay, I have the strangest urge to just give Bat a chance.

It's true that he's always seemed a little different to the rest of his team. He rarely makes an appearance in person, and only seems to fight under sufferance- he's treated almost like a consultant. Could he have different goals? Goals that don't involve spearing me with ice lances or burying me under tons of rock?

I say, "Okay, I'll bite. What's this about?"

"I'd like to meet with you in person," he says, after a long moment of hesitation. He quickly amends, "In costume, obviously. Both of us. We can make it look like an accident during one of your patrols."

Oh, that sounds safe. I ask, "What's wrong with talking over the phone? And also, why would I keep this a secret from Optimus?"

"I want to give you something, and I need to make sure you actually get it," he says, then he chuckles a little nervously. "And as for the secret thing… You don't have to, but I'll be meeting you alone. Ideally, Scarlet Brighid won't show up and break my spine. I'd like it if we could both trust each other, here."

Ironically, the grisly description helps me relax. He's not wrong- even if he's lying through his teeth, I'm the one with the army of megacorp superheroes as backup. But if he's telling the truth… No, I can’t risk letting Scarlet show up to do her thing. Enemy or not, I don't want the man dead.

And so, just under an hour later, I make a tiny alteration to my patrol path, with Rene's permission. I started a little late, so I'm in a little bit of a rush- the second I cut the connection with Bat, I called Juliette to make certain that she was completely fine and un-kidnapped, and I ended up soaking in the reassurance of her voice for a bit longer than I should have. I wanted so badly to just tell her why I was freaking out, but...

Well. Lying to her sucks, but lying to Rene is starting to come pretty naturally. The trick is tying the lie to something vague that they can't reasonably predict- for example, it's easy for me to just tell them that I'm 'checking out some unusual activity' as I pass the location that Bat specified, a construction site that's nice and quiet.

It's a tall building, probably fated to be some big office space once the walls are filled in and the scaffolding ends up wherever scaffolding goes after it's finished its job. I could use it to climb to our meeting point, on the building's roof- but flying is only getting easier with each day of training. It's getting to the point that I might just stop walking altogether.

It only takes a minute, and I'm touching down on- not actually on a roof, exactly, because there's pillars sticking up all over the floor that are clearly intended to eventually hold up a ceiling. I resolve to think of it as the ‘top floor’, rather than ‘the roof.’

Bat's already waiting for me, far away from the building’s edge- and he's not looking so good.

"Bat? You doing alright?" I ask, feeling unexpectedly concerned as I jog to his side. He's bent over double, panting audibly even through the mask. He holds up his hands as I approach, as though to fend me off.

"I'm... good..." he says, between desperate huffs of air. "Just... just got here, too... Underestimated... hah... how long it'd take to... to climb all those stairs…"

He looks up at me, still breathing heavily. His digital faceplate displays an emoticon I haven't seen him use before- a pained expression, with a semicolon sweatdrop running down its face.

It's only then that it really clicks with me that Bat's just.. some guy. An extremely smart 'just some guy', granted, one with an interesting power and access to a lot of very cool toys, but he's not like Scarlet, or even Marquis. He's not like the rest of the Syndicate. He's not like me. I could flatten him to paste right here, right now, without even breaking a sweat.

I swallow, hard. Somehow it hadn’t occurred to me before now that just having powers doesn’t by itself turn you into a superhero, or supervillain. When, then, had I made the change from ‘just some girl’ to ‘Monarch’?

Welp, that's a thought for the vault. I just say, flatly, "The Syndicate could really use a flier or two, huh?"

"Oh you have no idea," he says, finally straightening up. His faceplate displays anger, now, but his tone is joking as he says, "You have it so easy, you know that? You never have to touch a stair again."

"Eh, flying has its ups and downs," I say, and even stressed as I am, I can't help but giggle when Bat's faceplate goes completely blank in protest. I have to admit, he's always fun. I say, “And you seriously didn’t bring the whole gang with you?”

He looks around, demonstratively holding out his hands. “I’m the only one here, right? Paranoid much?”

The flippant response really bothers me, for some reason, and I feel that spike of anger again. I say, bitterly, “Well, I guess I have reason to be paranoid. Apparently, I’m awful at keeping secrets. For all I know, my real name is gonna be trending tomorrow.”

He swaps his digital emotion again, this time signifying laughter- but he doesn’t laugh, himself. God, I bet you could write a book on the nuances of Bat’s expressions. He says, “You? No way. You’re great at secrets."

Then, after a beat, he continues, "That is, uh- I peeped your social stuff, you know- Facebook, Twitter, Yelp reviews, etcetera. You look so normal it’s boring.”

“Then how-”

“It was, um. Kinda an accident, honestly,” he says, displaying a blush. “Don’t tell anyone, but I work at Optimus-”

“You work- what?” I interject, dumbfounded. “No, you don’t. At this point, I’m willing to bet cash that Optimus is tracking my periods- you’re not hiding nightly corporate sabotage from them.”

“Hey, does it bother you a little that your opinion of Optimus has gotten so low that you just automatically assume they’re committing unforgivable violations of privacy?”

“It bothers me plenty,” I admit, with a shrug. “It sucks, but that’s corporations for you.”

Bat shakes his head. “Wild. Anyway, I don’t get screened, for the same reason Scarlet Brighid doesn’t get screened. I’m above suspicion.”

That’s absolutely terrifying. I say, “If that’s true, then you’d have to be a board member, or something. Couldn’t you just talk to me directly?”

A big X flashes on the faceplate. Bat says, "Negative. If you think being high on the food chain means nobody will try to eat you, then you’re not suspicious enough. Case in point: I bet you didn’t even know about all the mics on your suit.”

I blink.

"My what?" I ask, genuinely mystified. "Bat, I don't have a-"

"You have thirteen microphones on you right now- I’ve been jamming them since before I called you." Bat cuts me off, and starts pointing at seemingly random parts of my costume. "There, there, there- that zipper there’s actually got a camera in it, not that Optimus would ever use the footage for transparency-"

I bat his hand away, irritated now. I've trusted him this far, but he could easily be just talking out of his ass. I just say, "I'm still on Optimus's side, Bat, even if they're invasive and weird. If you've called me here with the exact same 'Oh, Optimus is totally evil, trust us instead' pitch Wolf’s always trying on me, then I’m gonna get back to work."

"No, that's fine. I'm not asking you to trust my word," he says easily, before pulling something out of the pouch at his waist. It's a lanyard- the same style that important guests at Optimus tend to wear. Hanging from it is a keycard. He holds it out to me, and the card dangles there between us. "I'm asking you to trust this."

I take it, and rotate it in my hands. It's just plain white plastic- I have an identical card in one of my own pouches, since Optimus doesn't exactly go around writing things like 'SECRET SUB-LEVEL SIX ACCESS' on its keycards. I ask, dubiously, "And this tells me... what? Why do I want this?"

A cheeky smile lights across Bat's faceplate. He says, "You know how I'm sorta just, all up in Optimus's business? All the time?"

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, you're super cool. You've aged Paris Optima about twenty years with all the hacking, by the way, she hates you the most."

"Ah." The smile fades, replaced by a blank darkness. "Ouch. But um, anyway, I've read most of your chat logs with her-"

"Creepy."

"-and I know you've been cautioned, repeatedly, for asking about a particular room on Basement Level 10. It's down the end of a long hallway, no number on the door? Is that ringing any bells?"

At some point I started gripping that keycard very, very tight. I look down at it now, and feel my pulse quicken with equal parts excitement and dread. I say, "You're kidding, right? Not even Scarlet Brighid gets in there, she told me herself."

"Optimas only," Bat breathes it like a prayer. He's looking at the keycard very intently- or at least, I guess he is. His face is kinda angled towards it? "All-access- or at least, close enough. The right person could do a lot of damage with that keycard."

It was pretty obviously the wrong thing to say, and the way he straightens right back up tells me he realises that too. I pocket the card, then say, shaking my head, "You know what, you're probably right. If this belongs to an Optima, I need to take it to one. Like right now."

"Lana, wait, listen-"

"Where did you even get it?" I demand, taking a step back, wary of any sudden lunges. "No, don't answer that. Do you have any idea how much trouble I'd get in if I was caught using some bigwig's access card, Bat?"

He holds out his hands, placating. His faceplate stays blank, but I can hear something like panic in his voice as he says, "Yes, yes, I do- but I don't think you do, Lana, that's the problem-"

"It's not a big mystery, my guy! I'd get fired!"

"Fired?" Bat asks, with a laugh of disbelief. "They're not gonna- do you seriously think Optimus would fire you? The woman who can fight the entire Syndicate to a standstill on her own? You're irreplaceable, too."

Despite myself, I feel my face heat up at that description. I say, "That's... obviously a bit of an exaggeration."

"No, it isn't." In another context, those words might be an encouragement, or flattery- but Bat says them grimly, like he just thinks it's very unfortunate for me. "But that doesn't mean you're safe from them, it just means they have some other way to control you.”

I don't know what to say to that, so we just... stand there, staring warily at each other. I've heard enough to know I should just turn around and hop right back off the building, but... something in what Bat just said jolts out an old, forgotten memory. What was it that Marquis had said? Something about Optimus wrapping around you like a parasitic vine, controlling your every movement? I doubt she meant it literally, but…

Well, even if I've been acting the part in front of the Syndicate, I'm not just some corporate bootlicker. I said I trust 'Optimus', but that's not really true. I trust people in Optimus, the ones I know. I trust Rene, and I trust Scarlet. I trust Juliette, too, more than anything. If I rotate the thought around in my mind, I can even say that investigating the company isn't really betraying those people- really, I'd just be finding proof that the company deserves them. Right?

Or maybe I'm just looking for excuses to go somewhere I've been told I can't. I think that might be it.

Bat doesn't seem to mix well with silence. He buckles under the pressure, first by plastering a few new emotions on his faceplate (He settles on a tonally inappropriate smiley face- I guess this is how he forces a smile?), and then by saying, in a rush, "Look, if you're worried about getting caught, don't be. I'd be right there with you, and I can delete you from any logs you end up in."

I quirk an eyebrow. "You'll be with me?" I ask, doubtfully.

"I mean, uh. Digitally. You know. I'll be monitoring you, and inside the system," he says, and his mask becomes a blushy face. "And if what you find in that room doesn't convince you to listen, then... well, then we're done, I guess. But I wouldn't be here if I wasn't confident."

He closes the distance between us, and I let him. He holds out a gloved hand, and asks, "Whaddaya say? Frenemies?"

That's the last little nudge I need, and I won't pretend the fact that Bat's being a huge dork about this has nothing to do with it- I have a soft spot for dorks, as it happens. I clasp the proffered hand tight.

"Frenemies," I repeat, and we shake on that promise. A happy, pointless little thought occurs to me, and I say, “You know, if we’re ever not actively on opposite sides of a corporate war, there’s someone I’d really like to introduce you to.”

The handshake lingers, though not uncomfortably- this moment of truce is a soothing balm to the months of fighting each other, and I don’t think either of us want to be the one to end it. Plus, you know. I like Bat. We can hold hands a little if we want.

Finally, Bat’s faceplate changes- an angry face, again, though it doesn’t remotely match the cheer in his voice as he exclaims, “We’ve been frenemies for ten seconds and you’re already setting me up with someone? Is he at least cute!?”

“You have no idea,” I say, through a laugh. I let the hand drop, and fix the bright LEDs in Bat's mask with a stern glare. "But look, Bat, this isn't going to work twice. If this is just some kind of trick, I’ll…well, I won’t like you anymore.”

I meant it as a joke. There’s really nothing else I could do to him, revenge wise, or at least nothing I’d also be willing to do. And yet, Bat's response is completely sincere, his voice contrasting with the goofy, unchanged expression on his faceplate as he responds, “I know. I hope you can at least believe me when I say that I really, genuinely, do not want that.”

...Then he does change it, into a winky face, which kills the mood a little. I huff out a laugh and say, “Yeah, whatever, man. Listen, I have to go- they’re gonna wonder what I’m looking at.”

I take a few backward steps towards the edge of the roof (the building’s ‘top floor’, I correct myself internally), as Bat replies, “Yeah, it’s been a hot minute. When do you wanna do this?”

My foot lands on scaffolding, and I lean to take a peek over the edge of the building. It’s a long drop to the construction site below, maybe thirty floors. I say, “No time like the present, I guess. I’ve still got my patrol to finish- will you know when I’ve started?”

Bat shoots me a thumbs up. He says, “I can patch into your comm earpiece no problem, so we’ll be able to talk. Give me an hour, then just say 'hey'. We can go from there.”

I look at him a little dubiously. I have no idea where the dude lives, but just getting up here almost knocked him out. Could he even climb down and then get back to his secret bat-cave in time for that?

I gesture over my back with a thumb, and ask, “Do you, uh- do you want a lift down?”

He laughs, sounding just a little uncomfortable. Arms crossed, he says, “Um, no, I’m okay actually. Thanks.”

I insist, “You’re gonna have to climb all the way down. I can get you there in like ten seconds.”

“Or in like, one second…” he mutters, and he hesitantly joins me over at the edge. He takes a peek down at the street below, and shivers. “God, how do you do that?”

“It was scary at first,” I admit. I don’t mention that I still haven’t stopped having those nightmares where my power stops working mid flight and I plummet to the ground, because I’m not sure if that'd be much of a comfort. I step off the edge of the building, where I do not fall, but instead do a languorous midair twirl to face him (I can admit to showing off a little). I say, “Come on, you’ve seen me catch rocks big enough I think they technically count as continents. I can carry two people.”

Bat says, dryly, “Yeah, don't get Badger started on that. She says that fighting you just boils down to us finding fun new ways to give you ammunition.”

“What was it you said? You hope we can trust each other?” I ask, cutting through his nervous snark. I hold out my hand. "I’m not gonna make you, but- look, do you really think I’d just let you fall?”

"I know you wouldn't," he said, and he takes my hand, holding it tight.

#villainous nights #lovestruck voltage #lovestruck #lovestruck fanfiction

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tartrazeen · 8 months

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Just thinking about the tests Fin Varra made them do.

Also thinking about how Fin Varra was waiting for them to demonstrate particular noble traits.

Mostly thinking about how each trait Fin Varra was testing them on was the one that that particular person lacked.

Even-more-mostly thinking how of they seemed to excel in every other trait except the one they themselves got tested on.

Stopped thinking when I remembered Rohan got noted for his demonstration of courage, then started thinking too much.

😰 + 👀 + 😭 + 💖

(edit: little link to the end of the whole thread uwu)

Because Rohan's supposed to be the brave one, right? The courageous leader?

Ivar gets noted for his loyalty. Everything up to that point was about him trying to ditch the others so he could leave and go back to his quest. He deliberately goes a different direction to get away from them and only comes back because it wasn't safe. But he's also honest, guiding Rohan and Angus to the fairy ring, and he's selfless in how he told the other three to save themselves when he got stuck between those moving walls. I think there's some obvious, generalized courage in there too - blah, blah, blah, kept a cool head, all the fun stuff.

Angus is pretty obviously dishonest. He gets them to the fairy ring by lying to Ivar (and laughing about it), and the massive emphasis on him being a thief fills in the rest for us. But he's unbelievably, unquestioningly, and unflinchingly loyal, so that's covered. He's selfless, choosing to go first across the danger stepping-stones (we're only focusing on what he's like up to this point, so ignore the thousand other things he does later too). And if the show wants to rattle off how "fear is a companion of courage, but never its master," then we've got Angus all over that.

This guy is terrified all the time, makes his whole episode with his armour focusing on how nervous he is, he's constantly picking 'flight and lie' whenever he's in danger, always preaching the safer path... and like I've said many times before, he's throwing himself in harm's way at every moment because that chain of loyalty is dragging him along. It's what Rohan has to do to break that Loss of Courage spell: Angus sees his friends are in danger and jumps in - head empty, no thoughts, all action. Except Angus is 'breaking' through his own fear like every other episode lol (every other episode; he's not a coward, just very keen on being comfortable and alive).

So obviously honesty is his weakspot, because even if he's lying to help his friends, it's still a lie and blah-blah-blah hey angus why don't you fill people in on the whole story instead of keeping them on a need-to-know leash all the time? (oh because he grew up with rohan, who argues about every little thing, and the one time rohan learns the whole story about the steps needed to find draganta, rohan immediately gets them to skip half the steps because presumably full knowledge in rohan's hands is a dangerous thing 🙃)

Deirdre's interesting, because although she's honest (too honest sometimes lmao) and courageous (coming along on the quest by herself) and loyal (doing this for her country), she isn't willing to put others onto her level if they're beneath her. Just like how the little people were kinda justified in wondering if Angus would sell the others out for gold, they were also justified in wondering if she'd bother making any sacrifice for people she was pretty annoyed at being stuck with. She would give her life and safety for Kells, but for these three? Ehhhhhhh. And it goes back to being in question while she's pissed at Garrett's existence, too.

Garrett - omg, yes, honest, stop talking Garrett please. Loyal? Hilariously yes. He's suprisingly dedicated to his alliances and friendships. He just happily torments everyone who isn't specifically a friend or ally. Courageous? Yep, he's got that too. His test was built around it. So it was just humility that he had to deal with - and comparing him to the others, the others are very humble by default.

So...

Rohan.

Honest? Yes, kinda. He openly benefits from Angus' dishonesty, but he's not technically the one lying. Unless you count lying by omission, in which case, Rohan is in second place for Liar Liar Pants On Fire by far.

Selfless? Yeah, kinda. He's going on this quest to save the kingdom but his driving motive's really to find out what his destiny is. It's why he sorta bullies Conchobar into letting him go on that quest at all.

Loyal? I mean, mostly. There aren't really any chances to call it into question. But again, he profits off of Angus' friendship more than anything - volunteering Angus for stuff because he knows he can count on the guy. Which is cute and I love that! It says so much about them as individuals and as BFFs! And you could say he's demonstrating his loyalty in how he uses this quest to immediately spring his friend from jail, and how he lets Angus into Cathbad's chambers as their little secret (which happens constantly enough that they've got signals to each other to coordinate it), and doesn't blame Angus for the potion misfiring when Deirdre asks wtf that smell is. So yeah, he's pretty loyal based on what we see. Doesn't need to prove it any more than Deirdre or Garrett does.

As for humble, even though this one shouldn't count since Fin Varra made it up for Garrett later, he's barely that, but he is. Even though he's trying to be more than he is by following his true destiny, he's acutely aware of what he is right now. He submits to Fin Varra quickly and to Deirdre when she arrives, and he's polite enough about Ivar having dangled him and Angus from a tree for a while. He stays focused on whether or not Ivar's satisfied that they aren't the thief he's looking for rather than letting it bleed into any other grudge once he's got the upper hand - y'know, like how Garrett added insult to injury by letting Rohan fall into the lake.

But courage.

Rohan's brave. He's so dumb that he thinks he can conquer anything. If it wasn't for Angus having all the survival instinct they need, Rohan would've died a hundred deaths before he ever made it to Tir Na Nog. Himbo energy - love it 💖

But being inherently brave means he's never had to work up the nerve to do something that does scare him. He leaves so much unsaid when he speaks to people that the apology he gives Angus in "Friends for Life" is an exception. Look how hard he had to force himself to say something! He didn't have a problem apologizing to Deirdre and Ivar, but when it came to saying it to the person he actually needed to say it to, he had to be summoned on the king's orders to wait in an empty room with Angus (who also had to be summoned there on the king's orders) and then stand in silence for a while until he could stumble around on his words and then FINALLY apologize. Like - he didn't seek Angus out for this! Angus had to be delivered to him. I wouldn't be surprised if someone was even eavesdropping to make sure Rohan spat it out before everyone else walked in.

Every other time, he clams up, he brushes it off, he misdirects onto someone else instead of talking to the person he should be talking to (wow, yeah, thinking about it? He does this all the time), or he goes around gathering everyone else's thoughts to make sure they agree with him first.

The episode where he loses that inherent bravery is one of the few times he has to overcome a genuine sense of fear - like he can't do something because he's too scared to do it, not because it's too difficult to take on at that moment and there's Angus losing his shit trying to stop Rohan from taking it on anyway.

Even though everyone uses 'courage' and 'bravery' interchangeably, Fin Varra seems to be the only one who means it in that "doing it even though you're scared" way. Everyone else seems to refer to courage as "not being scared in the first place, or at least having your fear be so manageable that it's only there to give you an adrenaline rush." Hell, Cathbad's fake Bravery Powder is accurately named, since the fact that Angus more or less settles on Laughing Powder instead (can't be scared if you're laughing) makes it a pretty telling substitute. Also it makes him stupid so lmao that's telling for what a lack of fear means in this show

So I do kinda think Fin Varra saw Rohan as a big, dumb soldier that would take the easy way out in danger. Going back to rescue Ivar must've certainly been impressive! To throw away an easy exit to save this other person who's been trying to ditch you this whole time? Wonderful!

Rohan is so damn lucky the test wasn't like a job interview with references, 'cause if Fin Varra talked to Angus for even five seconds first, Angus would've absolutely been like, "nah he just does that lol it's actually harder to get him not to run into mortal danger" and Fin Varra would've been like, "hm ok disqualified" or made the test be "apologize to your endlessly suffering friend in under an hour for the latest shit you did" and Rohan would've failed

and then wat

no show :'(

#mystic knights of tir na nog #my stuff #good job tartra

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scienceoftheidiot · 1 year

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TAG GAME: EIGHT SHOWS TO GET TO KNOW ME

I was tagged by @shutterbug-12 thank you !!! Weirdly we do share a show, how surprising 😁❤️

Here's a thing : I do not watch that many shows. Partly because I don't have time, partly because I am bad at watching shows because I need to be emotionally invested to get into them, and once I am ???? I can only watch that show in particular, on repeat. Yeah I'm a grown ass adult fight me.

Ripper Street : end all be all the best show on this list that is not at all in order of good from bad for real but this one tops everything. Period drama, awesome characters, delicate treatment of issues we are still struggling with nowadays with actually sometimes more decency from these 19th century Victorian men than 21st century people 🙃. Also misery misery misery feels and a fine dry humor that makes it the perfect match. Oh, and. Dead bodies and gore happens. Also there is something to the dialogue than I just absolutely love.

Daredevil (netflix) : of course this one has to be on the list, and I love it, and I love Matt and Karen and Foggy, and I wish S2 didn't exist. All this can coexist, you know (and I love Elektra and Elodie Yung she is absolutely NOT the problem). Please do not talk to me about She Hulk or the Disney reboot, thanks (gif to make people watch it, I like my men sad and guilty they can't save everyone and covered in blood, thank you). So yeah overall a show I love and have rewatched many times but nowadays... I feel kinda bad about it and it makes me sad.

Band of Brothers/The Pacific : you know me, you know why I like these shows (no it does not stop at "men in uniforms"). We did a rewatch of BoB recently and I think it's an easier watch than the Pacific, but I think I like the latter better even if everytime it makes me feel so bad. Anyway a gif of Webster because (hard to chose between him and Leckie I admit)

Doctor Who : just. Love it. Especially RDT era. Can't chose between 9 and 10 but the best is Jack Harkness

Good Omens : I need a rewatch. Just love it. I have nothing more to say, it's great.

Scrubs : probably one of these shows I shouldn't rewatch in case I cringe a little but when we first got together with Benj 11 years ago we just watched Scrubs on a loop. I don't especially like the characters but the show itself, which is kinda weird for me (except Dr Cox. I love him)

The Sandman : last show that blew my mind. Just love everything in it. Can't wait for S2. I had read some of the comics and loved it, too. Just realized that it's the second Neil Gaiman thing in this list (3 if we count that he wrote for Doctor Who lol) and I guess it says stuff about me too

Pushing Daisies : I have loved the contrast between the whole death thing and the colourful and happy sets and stuff. This show is cute and dark and funny and I love it and I need to rewatch too when I can. (Also? Tall cutie that meddles with the dead and bakes awesome pies? did I use Ned as a template for my OC without realising ??)

I don't think it counts as a show since it's an anime so it's a bonus but if you've been following me the last 6 months, you need to hear about Fullmetal Alchemist (Brotherhood but not necessarily excluding 03. At all. Just watch it back to back. That'll do it. I love both.) (Yeah oddly enough I'm not crazy about the title character there but about THEM and of course you must have noticed)

I tag @heirsoflilith @rancid-butter @qs63 @littleragondin @dairogo @musing-and-music @magipies @goneadrift @smoothshine if you want to do it !

#tag game

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an-odd-idea · 1 month

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On this episode of “I Can Fix Him” : music and a little bit of choreography thoughts for Ilia Malinin

I dunno, he’s just fascinating to me, I’m like annoyed about him sometimes but also very fond of him, and I would like him to earn those PCS

I’m not a choreographer, and I don’t skate, but I watch enough figure skating to enjoy making up imaginary choreography in my head, so this is what I’m doing. Just vibes, basically, so don’t take it very seriously lol

If he wants to continue his streak of skating to music from shows that he’s only technically old enough to watch (well, he’s older now though) I think he should skate to music from House of the Dragon, if he’s seen it. If he hasn’t, then no, but let’s go with it for now

The music is his vibe, but it’s a little bit bigger than what he’s used in the past, to push him a bit but nothing too wildly different. He doesn’t need to do Swan Lake or anything (in fact, Ilia, please do not)

Overall, I’d like to see less crazy arm choreo than the Succession program, more defined, decisive movements, especially in the opening of the program, before and between the first couple of jumps. Sort of like, do you remember Junhwan Cha’s 21/22 short program where he’d do some moves, then stop (not actually come to a stop, but be traveling quickly but not moving his body for a moment)? Kind of that vibe- goes with the music and keeps it interesting without lots of arms all over the place

(Also maybe that would sort of force him to work a lot on his skating skills, which would be nice. Sometimes really good crossovers and nice changes of direction to cool music really are nicer to watch than all the arm-waving someone can muster)

Now here’s where we get crazy, though- make that boy do a spiral. Not a 0.5-second arabesque- a real, honest-to-God spiral and HOLD it. He has long legs, it would look really impressive if he did it well. It can be a Kerrigan spiral if it must, but he HAS to straighten his knee. Maybe Kerrigan spiral actually is best because he has more to do and only really one arm to contend with so he doesn’t feel so awkward holding one position for a while. I’m thinking maybe free arm in front of him and he sort of grabs something in the air, that’s skating choreography basics lol

(This is my thought process: I was listening to “Reign of the Targaryens” and that moment at 0:28 just sounds like the start of a spiral. I would do a spiral there, and I can’t even do a spiral. Also the people love spirals, and it’s extra rare and exciting when a man does a spiral, so he could get some good will from a lot of skating fans who are currently kinda “meh” about him except for the quad Axel)

Thing is, I doubt Ilia would want to do a spiral, and if he doesn’t want to, it will probably not be a very good spiral, so backup plan is a spread eagle, but he needs to HOLD that, too. Whatever it is, it has to be a sustained gliding type move and he has to hold it for a good long time, this is non-negotiable

Moving on from spiral fantasies, thing is, I haven’t seen the show myself, so I’m not sure which pieces of music you’d need to include to focus on a particular aspect of the story or a particular character, so I’m just throwing sort of general stuff at the wall

If- IF- it makes narrative sense, “Rhaenyra’s Welcome” sounds like decent music to start on. It’s interesting, but it still starts out slow, so there’s room to build, and he doesn’t have to use up a ton of energy trying to match it. It’s dramatic and slow-building, so he can take his time setting up his jumps and the music will help sell it anyway because it’s suspenseful but there’s still quite a lot going on underneath. Also these phrases with the long strings and then moments with just drums and something that sounds like maybe a hammer dulcimer in between are just so good for that kind of thing. Like picture, and we can cut music or have something repeat or whatever so he has enough to time to get ready for it but not too much time because he only has four minutes to do everything, quad Axel at 0:20 in the original music, right on the end of that phrase, everybody loses their mind, you know the drill, but the music keeps going slowly but relentlessly on, oh boy! what’s going to happen next?

We’d really need to do some music cutting and pasting magic to get him into maybe quad Lutz at what’s originally 0:29 because if you just play the song that’s not enough time, especially between the hardest jumps anyone’s ever done, so let’s pretend we have the Music Cut Fairy on our side because it’s a perfect moment, and the contrast will be good because the end of this phrase is up while the last one was down, and it has a sharper feel with the drum (Lutz is the sharpest jump, it’s fitting)

Or if that isn’t feasible or if we just like it better, 0:35 is also a really good spot, and the drum right before would be really cool

And so on and so forth. The point is, this kind of music will make things seem really big and cool and kind of gives the skater a little boost in the performance aspect (by sort of tricking your brain into thinking things are cooler than they are, but hey, all program music does that in some way or another- might as well choose music that does it in the way most advantageous to you)

Those are my thoughts, I could figure out some more, but it’s all just vibes and a few sort of snapshot moments anyway, so I’ll leave it there

#figure skating #i feel like that meme picture of the guy in front of the board with all the papers and strings and a crazed expression on his face

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dimonds456-art · 10 months

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vent art below the cut, as well as an explanation for it. it's a mess on purpose. read the tags.

Starting off positive, here's how I draw myself now :) Style improvement! And my mustache hairs are growing in and one of them is over a centimeter long and it's my pride and joy.

okay now onto everything else. fucking help me. /ns

Gonna start with the butterfly imagery, since it's a reoccurring theme when I talk about my disabilities. The butterfly is because of my Graves Disease, which is a subgenre of hyperthyroidism. What's that? Uh basically there's a gland in your throat called the "thyroid" that's shaped like a butterfly, and it's responsible for your ENTIRE METABOLISM, and mine decided to do cocaine one day and never stopped. This results in increased heartrate, shaky hands, dizziness, and an eye disease where your eyes swell and can make you go blind if not treated.

(and no mine is not currently being treated so. :) )

I've had Graves since middle school, and I will for life. For reference of how bad it got before I got treated after 6 months of suffering, if I ran around outside for 5 minutes my heart rate could get up to 220 BPM. Which can kill you. Somehow I only ever saw stars once.

The next imagery I wanna point out is the layers on me. I show some things as brighter, and there's two layers like that- a bright one and a much dimmer one, which is why I kept this a sketch. The bright one is the surface-level disabilities, such as joint weakness, my eye disease, and my swollen thyroid. The dimmer one is my brain and skeleton. I have never actually broken my bones, but for some reason these days, joint weakness has me and they'll just fucking stop working sometimes for no goddamn reason.

The diamonds on my shirt is obviously a reference to my name, "Dimonds456." The design was actually made by my abuser, and so I actually am starting to have some second thoughts about using this particular design despite how much I love it, thus the shattered idea. Plus, diamonds don't break- they shatter. I'm about to shatter, too, so it's just like me fr.

After that, the text all around me. There are three layers. Let's talk about the black ones first. Those are all my disabilities. That's it. To make it easier to read, they're:

Autism

Anxiety

PTSD

Mental regression (probably because of all the other mental shit I'm dealing with)

Depression

ADHD

Weakness in joints

Inhaler as needed

Tires easily

Abuse

Graves Disease

On meds for life (methimazole literally keeps me alive)

Eye disease

Prone to falling

Eating disorder: ARFID ?????

Asthma

Audio processing disorder

Trauma

:,)

Then, the blue layer. The blue and red layers and kinda having a conversation with each other, with blue being my inner monologue and the red ones being still that, but more intrusive and hopeless. The blue thoughts range from "I can't do this" to "I want to," to "Wait, this is too much" to "STOP" to "THIS IS TOO MUCH" and various stuff like that.

The red texts are much, much more negative. "Running out of time." Never safe. I will never feel safe." "My own body wants me DEAD." "NEVER SAFE." "WHAT IS SAFETY?!" these are my intrusive thoughts, and... yeah. My anxiety and trauma already make me feel like I can never be safe in the spaces I'm in, so when I do actually feel safe with the people or location I'm in, my body's there to remind me that no, I'm not. Because I could literally just die at any goddamn moment.

Which brings me to the scythe. The Reaper. He's close. I'm running out of time. To do what? I don't know, live? Impact people? Fucking exist?

The clock shows that, too.

Finally, the dialogue bubbles. The straw that broke the camel's back in terms of me making this art. My recent doctor visit. I'm trans. I'm a demiboy who just wants to figure out what my fucking gender is. I know I want top surgery, but the dr says I HAVE to start HRT in order to get the surgery I want, which is enbyphobic. I've talked about it with other trans people, and we all agree what the dr told me was fucked.

The other bubbles are other things people have said to me. Particularly, I wanna talk about the "are you ACTUALLY disabled?" one because so so so so so many people have fucking asked me that and I want to scream. Like gee, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm normal. Maybe my graves disease was all a FUCKING DREAM. The eating disorder I'm getting now that not even the doctors are sure what the fuck it is wasn't real, I'm just a picky eater and I am just a fucking attention-seeking masochist. SURE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Shut the fuck up.

The butterfly is actively choking me. I'm loosing weight. I've felt more anxious recently than I ever have in my fucking life. I have a goddamn eating disorder where I physically CANNOT EAT. It sounds like ARFID but it's also not quite that, I'm in a weird grey area.

i'm 20 years old.

Ever since I got diagnosed with Graves in middle school, I've felt like my existence was defying something. Like I was supposed to die. I also had intense depression at the time, so that definitely added to it, but yeah. Then more happened. I had my first fall. I got put on the wrong dosage and nearly got killed. Struggled to breathe. My eyes tear up more often due to the disease, and I have an aversion to light I didn't have before. The eating disorder. Not to mention my bad knee, weakness in joints, pain in hips, ect.

It just keeps piling up. More, and more, and more, and more disabilities appear and try to catch me by surprise. I got deathly ill last winter. I quit college this year because of the trauma of being outside while on my wrong dosage from last summer. But this time, I'm fucking freezing when I'm anywhere except in the sun, which still makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable, because of whatever the fuck is happening with my eating disorder.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm running out of time. I can't handle another disability. I just can't. If I wind up getting appendicitis or something I'm running back home to my parents and staying there because at least they make me feel SAFE.

I'm not safe. I will never be safe inside this body. I will never feel safe because of my anxiety and trauma. I'm reaching a boiling point where it's starting to spill over onto those around me and I hate it. I am aware that this post is not helping that at all. But... I just don't wanna suffer in silence anymore. I'm tired. I want to be a good memory, but I fear my time is coming and I don't have much more "memory" to make.

I want to be wrong. Please, stars, let me be wrong. Let this all be in my head. Let this all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Please. Please let me wake up and realize that this was all a fucking nightmare.

I can't look at this screen anymore. My eyes hurt and my wrists are starting to give out.

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hello-eeveev · 1 month

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tagged by @quinn-of-aebradore (and I was tagged in a very similar thing by @spottedenchants a bit ago but didn’t get around to it before this, so I hope you don’t mind me combining them!) thank you :D

Last song I listened to: “Sometime We’ll Understand” from the Lamb of God Easter oratorio by Rob Gardner. With the season and driving by a bunch of churches with Easter signs, I got real nostalgic for Easter music because there are so many great pieces. And Lamb of God holds a lot of memories for me because my dad was the lead cellist for the local production for several years, and I even got to take part one year. And it is just soooo musically tasty and I was just filled with energy listening to it yesterday. The CHOIR, the SOLOISTS, the SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA!!! If you remember me expressing my love for French horns a few weeks ago, Lamb of God played no small part in establishing this opinion. If you don’t mind Christian hymns, I highly recommend checking it out, and all of Rob Gardner’s work because he is truly one of the goats.

Last book I read: I’ve kinda started and stopped a few books recently, not for any particular reason just… idk. So instead I’m gonna plug a fic I’ve been keeping up with that published its final chapter last night: Judgement & Justice! It is such a fascinating and engaging work that explores the details of legally condemning Ikithon, the ways that the law can fail anyone, how even doing something you believe is right can be incredibly traumatizing. As one of the tags says, “the mundane horrors of the criminal justice system”. So good. I highly recommend.

Last film I watched: ummmm, yesterday I saw like 30 minutes of Wish after the school field trip bc the teacher was so kind and said, “nope. interpreters are out of commission. we’re watching a movie.” The music didn’t appeal to me too much, which sucks bc I LOVE Ariana DeBose’s voice. But I will say that the special effect art was sick and some of the character designs are cute!

Last TV series: uhhhh idk I watch a lot of YouTube. Drawfee, Zelda randomizers, that kinda stuff. and critrole obv lol :)

Last thing I googled: “peafowl”. I love birds and will infodump about them and I wanted to show my coworker how different peahens are to peacocks, and most people have no idea they’re called anything but peacocks.

Last thing I ate: ritz crackers and nutella. It’s a combination I wouldn’t have put together of my own accord, but in eighth grade, my friend brought some into history class and convinced me to try it and I’ve been sold ever since.

Sweet, savory, or spicy: Yes. However, savory and spicy go well together, but sweet doesn’t go with either. I have a massive sweet tooth and my mom raised me to have high standards for desserts, so when I have sweets, I want them to be to my taste. I like spicy food and I have a decent spice tolerance. It used to be higher but either adulthood or my anxiety meds reduced it rip :’(

Amount of sleep: ummmm about 6 hours? I should probably be getting more, but unfortunately sleep is boring.

Currently reading: The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner. I’m about halfway through, and it’s pretty enjoyable, but I hear it’s got a good twist later on so I’m excited.

currently obsessed with: you know it’s shadowgast lol. but more specifically I’m still in my How to Rest brainrot. I have a break next week, so I want to get the chapter 6 director’s commentary done and start working on the coda fic bc hnnngggghgg soft wizards.

I’m also obsessed with my cat. She’s turning 6 on Sunday and she’s been so snuggly lately! Look at her!!!

I always feel so awkward about tagging bc I never know who’s already been tagged, so if you want to do this, you are fully allowed to say that I tagged you 💕

#eve talks #kiki posting

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tornioduva · 4 months

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A little reflection on the Hazbin Hotel "situation"

First of all, i'm not really a fan of any of Vivziepop work, mainly i followed helluva boss out of curiosity and because sometimes they had really neat ideas.

that said, i ended up seeing all ofher stuff anyway, uhuh. i discovered her at the times of her sheika music videos, and, while not my cup of tea, i remained interested in her style of doing things, because of how unique it was. When the pilot for HH came out i saw it, and, as i said, HB too, plus all the covers and fan content.

So, this is my situation. i'm not really interested in her work and in her as a person, but i know her, her creations and all the stuff people made about them and talked about her, even if i didn't want to uhuh. You could say "just avoid everything Vivziepop related if you're not interested in her, her works and any discourse regarding all of it". i'm lazy, ok? the internet recommends it to me, i oblige. this is my curse.

Now, where i want to go with this.

Last week i rediscovered a video essayst i really liked, Neverknowsbest, and i put his latest two videos on while working and doing house chores. both are pretty relevant to this discussion, but i want to redirect you to one in particular:

youtube

Even if you don't want to see it, the gist of it, and what of it i want to use in this post is:

We are obsessed with overwhelming failures and explosive successes, there's no room for just experiencing something, thinking of it as mediocre, or even bad, but then just moving on, while still enjoying, or loving even, the couple of good ideas it in it.

I don't like most of her work, i have heavy criticism of helluva boss, i agree on aaaaall the discussions about character design, and if half of the things people are saying about her as a creator, project director and person are true...then there is a very good chance i don't like her either uhuh.

that said, i think HH and HB should be treated as what they are: simple slef-indulgent shows about stupid/shitty people. this premise alone does not hold promise of quality, or good ideas; what it does hold is the desire of the creator to explore what it is fun and interesting for and not much else, and that i think is ok.

The fact that every HH episode so far has been met either with heavy criticism as if it promised to be the best adaption of the bible, or as the pinnacle of representation of traumetic events, to me is kinda stupid. not counting the prerelease discussion. You want to hurt the show? ignore it, stop talking about it, do what everyone did to that Lotr amazon show, make it lose money.

As i said, i do not particularly like HB and don't tink i would recommend it to anyone, but it is on the same level as a lot of shows i watched growing up, just with more swearing and trauma sprinkled in. And while saying this, i can recognize some parts of it that are really good, like some of the jokes, line delivery, sometimes animations and often the songs (i listened to a lot of covers of that one stolas song, uhuh).

All this to say, please, do not let the internet consume you uhuh. use all this energy for things that are truly bad, not things that are mediocre at best. That is unless you were one of those who funded the show, then you have every right to complain if your money is in it.

Plus, i wrote "situation" because, as usual, i'm sure all the fuss i've seen is mostly a minority on twitter or somwhere else, since already a friend of mine not correlated with this stuff at all out of nowhere told me he watched it and liked it, so.

P.S: i decided to use a banner for these rant posts so to make them more interesting, i hope you like it uhuh. also, anyone who tells you drawing chibis is simple is lying to you.

#tornio #tornioduva #torniod #torniotalk #vivziepop #vivienne medrano #helluva boss #hazbin hotel #Youtube

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bigskydreaming · 5 months

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I didn't want to pile on to that last post but it did spark some thoughts that I wanted to add here, but in a general sense.

I blame a lot of this on the way 'curate your own experiences online' has been weaponized by people who like to use it to flip the script on anyone they see disturbing their preferred online atmosphere and being like 'well you're doing this to yourself, stop making it everyone else's problem.' And then that's picked up and adopted in good faith by people seeing it as simply advice and it all kinda ripples outward from there, but the endpoint is like....There's this insistence on seeing anyone expressing online feelings other than banal enjoyment as either a) performative or b) a kind of self-harm, not to mention the ever popular third door c) attempting to emotionally manipulate everyone around them for Reasons.

Its like....social media is literally just another form and venue of connection, and its not inherently meant to be ANYTHING in particular beyond just....connective. What you do with it is up to you, true, but at a certain point the people who respond to anyone disturbing their 'good times only' vibes by trying to be like 'why are you bringing this energy here' need to acknowledge that the internet does not exist simply to be your happy fun time space. If you believe in curating your own experience so much then you should be ready to close the door on certain connections and leave the room when YOU are feeling disturbed instead of just telling everyone else in the room that they're doing Feelings wrong by sharing non-optimal ones and using the venue-for-connection that is social media to share even the unpleasant stuff.

ARE there people who are just performative about their feelings of horror or shock or what have you online? Of course, and there always will be. ARE there people who are for whatever reason, and no judgment involved in my mentioning this, but get caught in social media feedback loops that probably aren't healthy for them to be in at certain points? Of course, and there always will be. ARE there people who only share certain things or partake in certain discussions because they get off on attempting to emotionally manipulate people or have some agenda in place? Of course, and there always will be.

And in each and every one of those situations where that might actually be the case with any given individual....the problem there is that specific individual and their personally suspect motivations for what they do online and how they go about it.

The problem is NOT the very existence of people expressing negative emotions on your dash or posting in ways or about things that make Generic Tumblr User JustCameHereToHaveAGoodTime feel less feel good when they witness it 'bringing down their dash' or whatever.

Allow for the possibility that sometimes people can be genuine about how they're feeling or what they're expressing about themselves, and the act of people sharing genuine feelings of 'this sucks and we're all taking a beat to acknowledge that' can be as simple as reminding ourselves that we don't have to be numb to tragedy and that we aren't weird or alone in not knowing how to sit with something awful but still having the urge to do SOMETHING with that energy, those feelings, even if just to put them out there into the world to see them shared and reflected among others and feel a sense of kinship, of being seen in knowing hey yeah, this is horrific and it sucks, we're all on the same page here.

We so often see people arguing that there's nothing noble about suffering or making ourselves miserable and I agree, actually. But I'd also put forth that there's nothing noble or enlightened about cynicism or assuming the worst of people talking about suffering or being miserable, instead of even just allowing for the simple possibility that nobody in that conversation is shooting for nobility or sainthood, they're simply saying: here is a thing I feel. Here is a tragedy that exists. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know that doing any of this actually helps me or anyone else in any way, but surely it can't be any worse to simply....acknowledge it. Put it out there. Point to its existence, the feelings we have about it as something that at least we're not alone in not having a better or more optimal response to or idea of what to do with it.

Is suffering, being miserable and all that noble? No, again, I don't think it is. But its human, and I don't come online trying to be noble. I'm just trying to be human and connect and interact with other people on basic, human levels.

And again...nothing, certainly not online interactions or behavior, exists in a vacuum. Is it possible for all of the above to start from a place of genuine sincerity, even, and to eventually pick up steam and build into something non-genuine and the very kind of performative or emotionally manipulative stuff other people see it as, even if it didn't originally start that way? Sure. All of what we're talking about here exists on a spectrum, moderation is a thing, things growing beyond their initial intentions and turning to extremism is a thing to, etc, etc, etc.

All I'm talking about here, ultimately, is just another perspective to consider. Do with it what you will.

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bossyuri · 1 year

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Ima put my random thoughts about SRV in here! It probably won't make much sense but wtv sdfsg

again I haven't placed the last building or conquered the whole map yet, as context, but i did finish the main story aside from that.

So ima start of with thoughts while disregarding how the bugs affected the experience!

Overall, I had a good time! I really enjoyed it. I love the new crew. I loved the focus on friendship. I'd say the story overall is nothing really special though, which I don't think is necesserily a bad thing. Sometimes a chill story packaged in a fun game is good ya know.

I loved finding out bits and pieces about our friends through dialogue, I think that was great, and I really liked that it felt like a solid friend group. Modern Yuri (as I like to colloqually call him lmao) is so much more mellow from having a good support system early on lol. But he's still got some Classic Yuri in him.

The rival gangs I think that thematically, visually, their music and stuff, they were great. I liked them a lot, they had good contrast, their music when you fight them rules. I do think that they were a little underused in the actual story though so they don't quite leave the impact that say, the Syndicate did. The threat they posed felt more theorical than anything you actually see. Again not the worst thing, but I feel like they could've used a bit more time to be more present. (I did like how the Panteros stuff ended because it tied in with other things later though!). Like I think in particular that the collective could have been used a lot more.

That said I did play with looong months-long break for the first quarter of the game so idk how that affected my impression. And the last few missions I think were really, really cool, I really liked them! But I felt like the middle parts after a certain point weren't quite as memorable.

But I don't think it was bad! And the game isn't quite over yet, so I'm looking forward to what's to come.

Also I did like how narratively the game tries to give you a nice fantasy release from a lot of real life issues. I'm sure many people at Volition had to face these frustrations in their lives and it felt like. relatable yknow.

Now though.....so I work in game QA, going on my 7th year, and the game released in....really an unnacceptable state, which was really a bummer and really harmed it. I don't blame the devs. Devs want to give us good games. But they don't control release dates.

and they did not control covid. I know a lot people see covid as an "excuse" to fuck up games but trust me as someone who was working in the industry through it all, it absolutely messed up a *lot* of stuff that you may never know about. My setup from home is still not ideal. And thats not even getting into employee burnout but anyway-

I've had crashes to desktop, blockers in missions (regularly), broken multiplayer (tho i havent had a chance to test it again after patches) needing full game restarts for a variety of reasons (clothes broken, face broken, world stopped populating, quest blocked...) the clothes system still breaks for me after so many months after release (thought its a lot better. i dont fear the stores as much anymore lol). I don't know if it's a quirk of the PC version, but it would have been so much more of a good experience if they had had the time to polish the game more before release. Lots of gamers don't have much patience for this kinda shit, and it's a shame for a game that has a lot of love put into it.

But they're still patching the game, and the QOL changes that they keep adding are really good. The game is a lot more stable for me too so I will definitely keep playing, and I'm hoping that my mental state will allow me to make some fun content from it. I'm still kinda hoping for a steam release sometime so I might get to replay the story again if that happens. Because taking screenshots on epic is a goddamn pain.

So huh anyway. I don't think anyone cares that much but if you've read that far thank you! And also thanks for sticking around with me for so long despite my dropping off the face of the earth in a depression spiral. But I'm still around and Yuri is still around. And Saints Row V is fun!

#im trying to keep this mostly spoiler-free but its not like entirely spoiler-free so read at own risk

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inkstaindusk · 11 months

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AITA WIP Game

@lizhly-writes tagged me in this *checks notes* a month ago! Whoops! Thank you for the tag! This is a super fun idea, I just. forgot. And then I couldn't figure out which wip to use and how to actually write this without it getting longwinded or just not at all what actually happens in the story

Rules: Introduce your WIP in the style of a r/AmItheAsshole inquiry

Tagging: @oh-no-another-idea @indy-gray and uhhh whoever else wants to do this?? (I need to start finding more people to tag)

AITA for not telling my friends about my second job?

I (17M) work two jobs. One is a pretty normal retail job and the other is something like a security job. See, I'm part of this sports community, super exclusive, you gotta be invited to attend and you shouldn't talk about it to other people, that sorta thing. It means a lot to me so when I found out the guy who invited me worked behind the scenes, I decided I wanted to do the same. Before you ask why they hired a teenager, I basically annoyed the boss into hiring me and then I got a ton of training even though he sticks me in the back to watch the cameras half the time, plus everyone watches out for each other. I have a pretty flexible schedule too so it's a great deal, I love it there. Anyway, these last few months, I made some new friends in the community. Up until now all my friends in the community also worked there, so I've never had to hide my job from them. (The reason for the secrecy is because we have access to a lot of information and we don't want anyone harassing us for it, especially since many of us attend the gatherings as normal members) I didn't really think keeping the secret was a big deal since my job was never really important to anything we did together, but recently, some stuff happened. The owner of the place aka my boss's boss (mid20s?M) who usually doesn't attend these gatherings started being a creepy asshole to my friends. To make a long story short, I challenged him over it, got my ass beat, and learned my lesson on avoiding dangerous older men. (This didn't effect my job because the guy doesn't know anything about the people he employs and leaves it to my boss, who won't say anything if he doesn't ask) So after all that happened, the guy didn't stop showing up to creep on one of my friends in particular. I avoided him as best I could and told my friend to be careful (he didn't really listen) and I also asked my boss (25?M) to please do something before anyone else got hurt. I'm not exactly close to him, but I talk to him more than most of my coworkers and he seemed to like me so I thought maybe he would listen. He told me he was trying and I believed him, but then a little while ago, the owner put one of my friends in the hospital. I tried messaging my boss but he didn't answer, even though he definitely read it, so next time I saw him, I confronted him. In public. Where all my friends all happened to see. After that, I had to come clean about who he was and why I thought he might be able to do something. I told them about my job and that sometimes when I say I'm too busy to attend gatherings I'm actually just somewhere else in the area making sure everything is running smoothly, and that I've been trying to get my boss to do something about the owner before more people got hurt. They all got pretty upset. They said they weren't mad at me but I'm not so sure. One of them who's a few years younger than me started yelling and crying and one of my older friends said that I should have come to them about this sooner, so it seemed like it was because of me. I still don't think keeping my job a secret was that big a deal. Like, if it weren't for the owner, there wouldn't have been any issues anyway. I kinda feel guilty though just because of how upset my friends were when I told them. They still are I think, I haven't seen much of the older guys in a while, but none of the others have brought it up again. Was I in the wrong for not telling them about my job earlier?

#the comments section: bro they're not mad at you they're mad at your shitty boss wtf????#anyway yeah it's the capman reki au #writeblr #tag game #writing rambling #talks about skoo #sk8 #does this instead of any of the wip asks or actual work im supposed to be doing #au: capman reki

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warchiefeny · 1 year

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I was gonna write up a thread on twitter about how my semi-break from social media was going, but I realized I had a lot more on my mind and I... haven’t done a proper blog post in years so why not. Content warning I guess for mental health/abuse talk.

Since I haven’t mentioned it here, for the last month or two I’ve been on a break from checking my timeline on social media. I can’t afford to not post artwork because I still make a good chunk of money from commissions, but it didn’t need to be a full cut off anyway. Honestly it felt great, and despite breaking it a little and reblogging here and there atm, I think I’m gonna continue for the most part. Maybe it was bad timing with twitter exploding, but I really needed to retreat into myself and engage with content on my own terms. You don’t always realize how much of your day is sucked up by social media, really. The only thing that kinda sucked was missing out on dank memes or cool content from friends, mutuals, and other cool people. The reason why I wanted to write a blog here and not on twitter is because I realized how so much of the things I realized about myself weren’t just about social media, but just my life in general. And also character limits. Definitely character limits. This isn’t my first time recognizing or noticing it, but dealing with commissions all the time and making a portfolio appealing for other jobs, I realized how much I lost myself in the process. And while seeing floods of really cool and good art is great, sometimes I would forget what really made me myself. Or what I even wanted out of anything. You draw so much for other people that you have to step back and ask if you’re making the right decisions or if you’re just doing what you think is profitable, and if it’s only a job then why does it matter what you do? What do you care to do when it’s just you? And to that end, who was I being right now in my own life? I felt like I lost myself in a lot of ways, like I wasn’t free to be who I was anymore. And this isn’t related to art, but when you have a particular belief system or way of doing things it tends to colour the rest of your actions in life. One catalyst to all this was when last summer I learned how to tell people to fuck off again and stopped caring so much about how likeable I had come off to people. In my 20s I had over corrected the dickish behaviour from my teens at the expense of my own personal boundaries and I had just finally snapped over it. It wasn’t that I wanted everyone to love me but I cared more about how other people felt than how I felt. It was this fucked up idea that I had to take everything on the chin or else I was irrational or selfish. I realized a lot of this came from the abuse I got from how I was raised, and it wasn’t until this year actually that I realized that I even had been abused because all the adults around me growing up were apart of the same cult. The amount of relief I felt over taking back my boundaries and not caring if people got mad was cathartic. But that’s not it entirely either, and frankly I’m tired of talking or thinking about that part of my life anymore. For the last couple of years I just felt like I stopped feeling safe to be myself. I’d never been one to think that accolades give you more than a fleeting sense of accomplishment, but there was some small part of me that felt like I needed certain things so I wouldn’t feel so embarrassed. Which is also kind of crazy, because when I had no money, no job, no license, no big-ish follower count, less physical strength, less stable mental health, etc... there were people who loved to be around me and wanted to hear what I had to say. People who wanted to seek me out and thought of me highly enough to admire me, and I didn’t have to hide or change anything about how I was presenting myself. And I wasn’t perfect about that stuff back then either. I still cared about how I came off, and I had hang ups, but I was certainly a little more free than I had been in the last couple of years toward the people closest to me. But there’s this funny thing that happens, at least for me, when you aren’t concerned about how you look or what you have or don’t have. When you’re just talking to someone and they catch you off guard that you’re one of their favourite people to talk to. Or when you’re just vibing and being yourself and they say how good of a person you are when you least expect them to say anything regarding it at all. It’s not something you put effort into or predict, it’s just something that sort of happens. When you put a wall up in order to protect yourself or say you aren’t worthy of something for whatever arbitrary reason, you end up making it impossible for people to actually give you love or affection. It turns into unintentionally pushing people away, even if you don’t want that. You think you’re being more responsible or a better person, but you’re not. In trying to respond perfectly, you become imperfect instead and just make a mess of things. And when you are lucky to get attention, it often just feels so hollow because everything feels fake or superficial when you give yourself standards that are unnecessary or impossible to clear for yourself. And the more you think you aren’t worthy of something, the less likely you are to do things that are good for you and create meaningful rewards. Ordinarily I would keep this post behind a private twitter account, but while I have no interest in oversharing my personal life to strangers, I guess take this is my attempt to be a little more like myself than I have been. Over the last two weeks I’ve had a lot to think and digest, and I’m just trying to let myself be me.

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