#their relationship was also complicated and messy and they both genuinely loved each other despite everything

[meagancandraw]

You ever think about how neither of them got to say goodbye?

#TSAMS #Sun and Moon Show #The Sun and Moon Show #TSAMS Lunar #SAMS Lunar #Sun #SAMS Sun #FNAF Sun #FNAF #Five Nights At Freddy's #MeaganCanDraw #I love New Moon a lot don't get me wrong but Old Moon's and Sun's relationship wasn't black and white (as much as NM wants to insist it was #YES Old Moon treated Sun horribly YES he wasn't the best person but #their relationship was also complicated and messy and they both genuinely loved each other despite everything #So much of what they did was for each other and that adds even more to the tragedy of their relationship and Moon's death #Sun and Old Moon's final conversation was them fighting #Moon's final in-person words to him were “I love you and I'm sorry” #to which Sun didn't say anything bc he was mad at him (which I don't blame him for given everything that happened in that episode) #Do you think Sun has realized this? How often does he go back to that moment #How often has he imagined himself saying or doing something different? Something that would've resulted in them leaving that bunker togethe #Meanwhile Lunar lost the person who gave him a new life and a family that actually cares about him #And he was in Moon's head for months and saw first hand how much his regrets and trauma affected him #Both of which would eventually destroy him due to the cycle of self-loathing he was trapped in #How much does HE think about that? #Anyway sorry for not posting for nearly (checks watch) two years?? #It'll likely happen again #1k

[lollytea]

vibrating in my chair over the fact you're writing a fic that touches on Willow and Amity's friendship. even if it didn't get super explored in the show their dynamic is truly SO interesting. the fact they sincerely care so much for each other and are trying so hard but STRUGGLING just gets to me and it always makes me sad when conversations about it get hostile toward Amity. as a fellow Willow lover and Amity enjoyer i am clapping like a seal in excitement over getting to see your thoughts

YES!! I love them and this thing that they have with each other!! It's messy and tense and complicated but there's love there!!

I don't blame people for being disappointed with Willow and Amity's LR subplot but I was disappointed that criticism towards the subplot overshadowed what an interesting and believable conflict between them that it established.

Willow and Amity are both such troubled girls who have unfortunately developed in a way that directly contrasts each other and puts them at odds.

I can empathize with Amity's absolute trainwreck of an attempt to make her relationship with Willow feel natural again. She's a socially stunted, painfully awkward, emotionally clumsy and unintentionally judgemental girl. She was brought up in an extremely self-superior environment. Of course its gonna take her some time to unlearn all of the things she has internalized.

She overcompensates because its all she knows how to do and it makes things so much worse. She's too busy seeing the bigger picture and assigning herself a role in Willow's life (the protector. Amity is a huge acts of service kind of gal.) to actually stop and look at Willow for a moment. It's so sad. She's too busy preserving the past to live in the present when it comes to their friendship.

And Willow!! Willow is bad at communicating!! Even Gus advised her to simply TELL Amity how uncomfortable this treatment was making her feel, but she insisted that it was fine. Willow, despite how far she's come, still isn't fully able to stand up for herself. At least not to her friends. Sometimes it's hard to stand up to your friends.

Willow's repression leaks out when it comes to Amity. She doesn't like conflict. She doesn't like tension. She wants chill good vibes all the time because Jesus Fucking Christ, she's been through enough and she's exhausted. But also!! She's sensitive!! And she has a temper!! So no matter how much she TRIES to pretend things are all good, she's inevitably gonna explode in a burst of pent up rage.

Its not like there's no glimmers of true genuine love in their interactions. Like the hair braiding scene. They are so happy and content in each others' company. Willow was the one who asked. She was the one who wanted to have this moment. She WANTS this friendship with Amity. And sometimes it is so nice and makes her so happy.

She just wishes it could be like this all the time. She wishes it wasn't also so difficult.

They love each other!! They're not very good at it but they love each other!!!

[bougiebutchbinch]

horrid smut idea came to me in a quite literal fever haze

(18+ under cut, cw for badly negotiated polyamory where Izzy is left feeling used & sad)

sooooo Stede Bonnet has a horsecock, right?? and Ed might like taking it up the ass now and then, but that thing could poke out an eye! He has self preservation!

Unfortunately, Ed's very well hung himself. Stede's never been with a bloke before, and the first time they try with Ed topping, even with lots of prep it's uncomfortable and miserable for both of them.

No problemo, right? They're perfectly happy to have non-penetrative sex. They're in love and discovering new things about each other - so what else matters?

But then Ed has the GENIUS idea of getting an Izzy-shaped filling in this sandwich!! He's had Izzy fuck him before and it was fine. He's pretty sure Stede could hande him, too! And Izzy's always been a bit of a size queen, for want of a better word - he looooves to take it. So, obviously, he'll be into getting reamed by either one of them!

And it's just sex, right? It doesn't have to be complicated! Ed's made it clear that he's not gonna leave Stede for Izzy, but that doesn't mean they can't still fuck. Right? Right...???? And, Stede confesses, he is a little taken with Izzy, especially with his rather magnificent chest...

So, whenever Ed and Stede wanna do penetrative stuff, they ask Izzy if he wants to be a proxy. He can fuck one of them while getting fucked by the other. It's perfect for everyone, right? Stede and Ed get to have sex while lovingly staring into each other's eyes - and Izzy gets to have sex with Ed, and just gets fucking laid in general, which (Stede hopes) will make him marginally less of a demon while on deck.

I.e., they basically start a kinky throuple where Izzy is kinda in the middle but also sidelined, but, because this is the eighteenth century and nobody has read a BDSM manual, they don't talk it through

Izzy, despite being starved for physical affection, never seems hugely enthusiastic about this arrangement. But he always shows up at the allotted time and seems to enjoy himself. He never stays the night - and over the weeks, as Stede and Ed start to genuinely catch feelings for their grumpy first mate, they start to notice.

Internally, Izzy is stuck between 'subby horniness at being used', 'misery that his captains are only using him as a toy so they can fuck each other (or.... so he thinks....)', and 'fury at himself for a l w a y s going along with it, no matter how often he tells himself it's the last time'. He's licking up the scraps of their affection and telling himself it's a full meal, but in actuality, he's always left curled up alone on his cold cot, arms wrapped around himself, empty and wanting, longing for more.

Of course, Stede and Ed start to pick up on this, and make an effort to try and absorb Izzy into their relationship, in every way. When they start being far more affectionate outside of just sex, Izzy doesn't know whether to be suspicious or just freak the fuck out. Doesn't know if they mean it, or if they're just accidentally - or even on purpose - taunting him with what he can't have. Cue lots of angst, drama, and Izzy having a big messy public break up with them and rowing away in a dinghy to the nearest port.

But, of course, Ed and Stede work together to win him back in the end...

Anyway, I just want Stede and Ed romancing Izzy and making him feel wanted and loved.... but also Izzy being used as their Specialest Little Sex Toy on the regular. Pwease.....

#steddyhands #gentlebeard #gentlehands #blackhands #blackbonnet #edizzy #stizzy #stede bonnet #izzy hands #ed teach #blackbeard #ofmd #our flag means death #bbb creates #my art #I AM JUST RAMBLING #I am too woozy to write so uhhhhh have concepts instead #I NEED THIS FIC LIKE I NEED AIR PLEEEEEASE #....I might write it but will I have time? debatable

[antianakin]

Bix and Cassian's relationship is what I think they wanted Obitine to be, but just never quite managed.

Bix and Cassian clearly USED to have a relationship that was pretty close, but differences between them has since broken them up, despite the fact that both still clearly care for each other. They still do work together, they're still willing to take risks for each other and ask favors of each other, but they also know each other well enough to cut and bruise when they want to. There's a lot of complicated baggage between them, but the love is also still there and still deep, even if it has to take a different form now.

Obi-Wan and Satine used to have a relationship that was presumably pretty close, but differences in their respective duties is what's supposed to have kept them apart (however there's contradiction in the dialogue about what ACTUALLY kept them apart; Obi-Wan initially claims that it was his duty as a Jedi and his devotion to the Code, but later he tells Satine that it's really just that she never asked him to stay because he would have gladly left behind being a Jedi if she'd just asked him to stay). Despite not keeping in contact much (if at all) over 20 years, they're supposed to still be pretty close and still have strong feelings for each other. They do work together as a team, although it's not very well, and while they definitely know how to cut and bruise each other it doesn't seem to come from knowing each other really well so much as it comes from ignorance about each other's values or a lack of respect for each other's goals.

I just don't buy that these two still care for each other in a way that's healthy, I don't buy that these two even genuinely loved each other all that much before. Bix and Cassian are sitting there risking their necks for each other, they refuse to betray each other, they share secrets with each other. They don't always know how to interact with each other in a way that doesn't hurt, but I completely buy that these two loved each other even if it didn't work out ultimately. I buy that just because they CAN hurt each other doesn't mean they WANT to hurt each other or that they're lashing out in ignorance or disrespect for the other person. They're so beautifully complicated and messy and I love them SO MUCH for it.

#star wars #star wars andor #andor #bix calleen #cassian andor #anti obitine #obitine critical

[flowerflamestars]

My brain is doing that what-if-other-pov thing again but this time with Effloresce and Feyre. She’s got three kinds of emotional whiplash going on on top of having human teenager-brain/just been Made/probably some kind of faerie puberty/being attached to Rhys. She’s SO far our of her depth and confused while still thinking she (Rhys) knows best.

1st we have Lucien: she was worried about him, just beginning to scratch the surface of what life in Spring was like for him. Then he’s at her sisters’ place and she’s furious/terrified he’ll bring them to Tamlin. Then WTF you know each other?! Then relived he left Spring. The WTF Lord WHO?! Then WTF/furious ENGAGED?! Then she’s sparring with him and didn’t know he was that FAST. What does he mean he always talked to trees?! Plants are Spring! Right? Then he says Rhys’s name Like That. She’s pissed. She throws a fireball at him. He WALKS INTO IT! WTF ?!?! She didn’t actually want to hurt him! But he just sighs like he’s just got into a nice hot bath instead of standing in MAGIC FIRE! He makes a funny face when she calls him Autumn’s Heir and they talk a bit about fire. He’s her friend and she’s glad he’s okay but she can’t trust him (Rhys doesn’t trust him). If she has to get rid of him to protect her sisters she will. (He still hasn’t explained the Talk to Trees thing either)

(Continued in part 2)

Ooooo that's a very fun thought! Effloresce fucks around severely with the ACOMAF chronology- we're pre canonical Hybern sisters kidnapping, but Feyre and Rhys have not had their unnecessary alonesome fucking in the Illyrian mountains nonsense.

So yes! She's extremely distracted!

(For. so many reasons)

I love this though, because you're SO RIGHT about her state of mind.

I've used Lucien here very much like canon does- to me, her relationship with Lucien is the epitome of Feyre's messy character. Because she wants him with her and on her side, but she doesn't seem to ever learn all that much about him. They get along, but Feyre doesn't know his full name. She doesn't want him dead, but she also rarely seems to really realize or understand how what she's doing will effect him.

(See, for example, in acowar thinking its TOTALLY FINE to use Lucien to make Tamlin jealous despite the clear fact this a) puts them both in danger, b) wildly sucks to use physical proximity with someone he trusts against him, knowing he was pretty recently ASSAULTED, and c) ultimately ends in him losing his home of centuries???)

She thinks about him enough to care, but it's...not a complicated picture?

So the Elain thing? Drives her instantly fucking insane. The NESTA THING? Genuinely baffling to behold. His powers? Scary.

She sees him enough to like him, but not to value him. Obviously, trusting Rhys (lol) is going to come first. Obviously, there's something wrong here that her sisters trust Lucien but hate Rhys. They must hate all faeries! Why would they need Lucien to keep them safe? Rhys will keep them safe! Why would her sister MARRY HIM? Azriel is right there!

Much like her life in Spring- and eventually, her life in the Night Court, Feyre just. is not operating with all the information, and is really only believing information Rhys & co tell her.

#effloresce meta #Lucien quietly revealed in a hundred details #that he's an absolute KING #kind talented sensitive interesting powerful #Feyre: BUT THE SPRING TREES

[extasiswings]

Something compulsory heterosexuality/hetero-romamticism something about how the most genuine bit of intimacy between ana and eddie in the whole episode was the 😉🤫 reference to her undressing him (one might assume for sex) and how much of his relationship with Shannon when she returned started with the physical relationship even as the emotional relationship struggled.

((maybe that's nothing BUT it feels like something ??))

It’s funny because I caught the reference but like…the man never touches her of his own free will and the exactly one time he’s kissed her it was the same way he kissed his abuela so you will convince me they’re having sex…never. Also frankly the way she was touching him in that suit (mere feet away from his child in a dressing room) gave me big “I’m shooting my shot now because I never get to” vibes.

Frankly, I do think Eddie struggles with intimacy and vulnerability and absolutely he and Shannon defaulted to falling into bed a lot because sex was easier than trying to fix the emotional shitstorm between them. But where I think there’s a difference is that the writers were pretty clear that Eddie and Shannon did love each other and once upon a time their relationship was closer and deeper and better than it was by the time we met her in canon after they had been separated for over two years. Like, Eddie and Shannon, even if I think their relationship was irreparably broken and that they weren’t good together, had a foundation that they were, in their own way, trying to get back to or repair through physical intimacy. They had broken trust, hurt feelings, guilt, shame, and yes, love, even if it was messy and complicated and painful. They weren’t trying to manufacture feelings through sex, they were (badly, misguidedly) trying to reconnect in a way that might avoid the pitfalls of the cracks in their relationship. And when he introduced her to Christopher again I think he still wasn’t ready to really trust her but slowly built up to a place of forgiveness and healing and was ready to commit 100% right up until she threw that commitment back in his face by asking for a divorce (“I forgave her for everything and it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough”).

Eddie and Ana never built a foundation, at least not one we saw. Maybe I’m wrong and they are having sex because he’s trying to manufacture intimacy in that way instead of opening up to her, but I think I have a hard time seeing him being willing to trust her with his body, especially after the shooting. With her it’s always felt like the house of cards he built was faking intimacy by involving her with Christopher while keeping himself relatively separate but unlike with Shannon there’s no background, there’s no “I love you but I need time to trust you again,” there’s nothing he can do to have a real relationship with her until he fully commits himself and is willing to be vulnerable and actually trust her and I don’t see that ever happening.

Basically…this is one of the things I mean when I say that comphet can be complicated, especially for bisexuals, because I think both of Eddie’s relationships have shown elements of comphet but I don’t think they’re the same. IMO the writers were clear that he genuinely loved and was sexually attracted to Shannon despite the ways they had hurt each other and the comphet pressure came in with, essentially, the implication that he had an obligation to try and fix things with her because she was his wife and Christopher’s mother even if, at the start, he knew he still loved her but didn’t know if they would ever be able to forgive each other or if he wanted to try and forgive her. Again, I repeat, up to the point that the writers decide to retcon their relationship, he genuinely loved and was sexually attracted to Shannon. With Ana it’s much more straightforward and stereotypical comphet in that, okay, she’s pretty, Christopher seems to like her, she ticks all the boxes on the checklist for what he should want and should be looking for in a partner so he’s trying to be with her even if the most passionate thing he can say about her or them is that she’s “nice” and it’s “easy.” They never established what he liked about her that made him want to ask her out, so it came off as very “I need to move on from Shannon, here’s someone who is pretty and nice and not necessarily a total stranger, and she already knows my son, might as well.” That’s it. There’s nothing else. And he has clearly finally reached a point where he’s realizing that the perfect, nice, easy checklist isn’t actually what he wants.

#chapel talks #ask #brassmama

[cacoetheswriting]

champagne problems, ch.2

Spencer is in love with you, but you’re engaged to someone else.

Chapter Two: Cherry: The engagement party. A/N: chapter is titled after this song if you want to listen while reading. Word Count: 3.1k Warnings: mild cursing, heartbreak, unrequited / unreciprocated love, very angsty, jealousy, mentions of alcohol, this chapter is a lil fluffy, this series is going to be a real slow burn babyyy

series masterlist

A/N: thank you all so much for the kindest feedback to the first chapter! i am so glad you liked it, genuinely it means so much to me!! you are all so sweet! 

-

Things between you and the hazel-eyed doctor have been strange to say the least. On most days, Spencer would avoid you like the plague. He no longer came into work before everyone else, he no longer walked you to your car at the end of the day. Your conversations were not only rare but also short and most often work related. He refused to sit next to you on the jet, and stopped going out with the group for afterwork drinks if he knew you’d be there. 

Overall, Spencer didn’t engage with you at all unless it was absolutely necessary. 

Of course the team immediately picked up on the shift in dynamic between the two of you. Profilers profiled. Even though Spencer and you haven't officially said anything was going on, everyone knew. It was obvious. 

You were glad however that they all kept their thoughts to themselves. The last thing you needed was for everyone to get involved with something that was simply between you and the brunette doctor. 

“What’s this?” Spencer asked confused as you placed a brown paper bag on the desk in front of him. 

“It’s breakfast.” You replied. Shooting you a hesitant look, the brunette doctor opened the bag and peeped inside. “I brought you a scone. I baked them myself last night, and this one is for you.” You added shrugging your shoulders lightly while Spencer retrieved the pastry. 

“You didn’t have to. What about-” Knowing what he was about to ask, you cut him off. “Don’t worry genius, everyone got one this morning before you came in. This one is rightfully yours.”

Spencer looked up at you, and half-smiled. “Thank you.” You immediately smiled back. “Don’t mention it.”

It was a strange feeling, being this nervous around him. Even after your breakup, you remained close. The two of you continuously dangled on this thin line between less than a relationship, more than a friendship. To an outsider it was definitely weird, but it was unique to your situation since neither of you really wanted to break up in the first place. The circumstances forced you too.

Spencer was your go-to person for pretty much anything, just as you were his. Which is why his current cold shoulder hurt your feelings. 

Truth be told, you found his attitude to be quite childish and immature. Yes, how he was feeling about your recent engagement was completely valid but as selfish as it may seem in your eyes there was no need for him to completely cut you off. 

“Look, I know things have been odd between us.” You began, resting your body weight against the edge of his desk. “But I just want you to know that I-”

He shook his head. “Please don’t finish that sentence.” “Spencer...” “No Y/N, I mean it. I don’t want you to tell me that you will always care about me, or that I will always have a place in your heart because that frankly doesn't make me feel any better about any of this.” He stated. 

“O-okay.” You breathed and turned your attention away from him, breaking eye contact. “So I guess that’s it then? You don’t want to be my friend anymore?” You asked without looking back at him. 

Spencer didn’t say anything. What could he say? That he didn’t want to be your friend because he wanted more? He couldn’t say that. That would make things even more complicated because as far as you were concerned he already moved on. As far as you were concerned Spencer wasn't in love with you, so he couldn't tell you now after all this time that he was. 

Which is why he distanced himself these last few weeks. It was easier to ignore you, to not talk to you unless he had to. It was easier to pretend you didn’t exist because if you didn’t exist the pain in his chest was imaginary. 

“Fine.” You snapped your head back to look at him. “I knew that you wouldn't take my engagement well, but never in a million years would I have thought that you would act like a complete dick about it.” The tone of your voice jarring. “I know that maybe you’re hurting Spencer, but like you said we both moved on so honestly grow the fuck up.” You spat before walking away. Only once has he heard you speak like this, back when he decided to break your heart and end your relationship.

Spencer cursed under his breath; something he didn’t do very often. He sunk back in his chair, and ran one hand through his already messy hair before sighing. You were right. He was being a dick, but again it was easier. It was easier to be an asshole than to deal with the turmoil currently going on inside of him. 

Although it may not seem that way, the last thing Spencer wanted to do was to hurt you. He was unhappy, yes. In retrospect he could have shown it less, he could have tried harder to truly be happy for you, because not once did you ever wish him unwell. Your breakup was hasty, and messy, and you had every right to hate him forever because of how it went down. But you didn’t. Apart from the initial shock, you were never angry with him. You stayed by his side, as a friend.

It dawned on Spencer in that moment, that’s why he was so vexed. It wasn't because of you; a friend. Spencer was angry with himself. He was the one that ended it despite your pleas. He was the one that cut you off. He was the one that pushed you into Ethan’s arms. It was because of him you were now engaged to someone that wasn't him. And he unfairly took that anger out on you. 

Tonight was your engagement party. He decided that he was going to go. It will be painful to see you in the arms of another, but he will show his support because that’s what friends do. Friends. 

The restaurant you picked wasn’t that far from where he lived. For a moment Spencer found your choice to be quite odd, given the history the two of you had with the place. But he quickly shook the thought away - it must be a coincidence. 

He stepped inside, and his gaze instantly landed on you. Wow. Gorgeous didn't even began to describe how you looked right now. You wore a figure-hugging white dress with a plunge neck, and floral appliqué detail. Spencer was mesmerised. And if it wasn’t for the fact that you were in a public place, surrounded by people that were here to celebrate you and your fiancé, he would have kept his gaze on you the whole night. 

Steadily, Spencer approached to congratulate you. 

It was then he noticed how Ethan’s jaw was locked. How even though Ethan had an arm around your waist, the two of you weren't standing right next to each other as a couple in love should be. When he got a little closer, Spencer also noticed how the makeup under your eyes was reapplied almost as if you had been crying. And that the smile currently present on your face was fake. Despite the occasion, you didn't look happy at all. 

“Spencer.” His heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name coming out of your lips. Your eyes locked, and he could have sworn they lit up. “I- Thank you for coming.” You reached out your hand to gently squeeze his forearm, and smiled at him warmly. A real smile. 

The brunette doctor couldn't help but smile back. “I wouldn't miss it.” He replied. It was a lie, but it looked like one you needed to hear. You let your hand fall back to your side, just as Spencer turned his attention to the surgeon. 

“Nice to see you again Spencer.” Ethan uttered, a hint of vexation in his voice. “You too Ethan, and congratulations.” “Thank you.” Ethan glanced down at you briefly. “I’m a lucky guy.” He kissed the side of your head, before excusing himself to talk to another guest. 

Of course Spencer noticed that even though you leaned into Ethan’s touch, a small act that stirred the jealousy inside of the brunette agent, your body relaxed the second Ethan was out of sight. Sudden concern flooded through him. But before he could ask what was on your mind, you reached out your hand to straighten his tie. 

"I’m glad you’re here Spencer.” A soft smile circled your lips. It took every fibre of his being not to take your hand in his, and hold it right there on his chest. “I am really sorry about what I said this morning.” 

“No, I’m sorry Y/N.” He responded. “I hope you know that you will always be my friend, no matter what.”

“Good.” You let your hand fall and looked around the party. “Well, I better go and mingle.” You glanced back at the hazel-eyed doctor and sighed. “Wish me luck doctor.” 

Spencer wanted to stop you, but he knew better to bring up whatever was bothering you now. Knowing you, you wouldn't say anything anyway. Not in front of all these people. 

“Good luck.” Spencer smiled kindly. He watched you disappear into the crowd before heading off to find his friends.

An hour in and the party was in full swing. Chatter, drinking, and even dancing. Everyone seemed to be having a great time. Everyone but you. 

You did your best to keep your head up and enjoy yourself but no matter how hard you tried, the feeling just wasn't there. With a drink in hand, you talked to your guests one by one. At this point in the night you have heard it all. From congratulations, to wedding planning suggestions, and even tips on having a  successful marriage.

Which is why you were glad that Ethan came up behind you and asked you to step outside. Even if the feeling was short lived.

“Listen babe, I have to go.” He stated. You furrowed your brows confused. “What do you mean you have to go?” Ethan sighed. “The hospital called. It’s an emergency.” 

“You told me that if anything happened they had you covered.” 

“Y/N don’t do this right now.” He breathed. 

“Don’t do what? It’s our engagement party Ethan.” You stated, annoyance levels rising. “My family flew from across to the country to celebrate with us. My dad is here to get to know you and you’re just-” “The hospital called Y/N. You know how this works, or did you forget the time you were supposed to meet my parents you got hailed away on a case.” He gritted.

“That’s different!” You snapped, taking a step toward him. “How is that different Y/N?! Work is work!” Ethan grumbled. “Because you told me that if anything happened they had you covered.” You repeated sternly. 

“I don’t have time for this.” Ethan waved his hand dismissively. “I’ll stay at the hospital tonight.” And just like that he began to walk away. You wanted to yell after him but you knew it wasn't a good idea to get involved in his theatrics. So instead you wiped the single tear that was currently trailing down your face, and headed back inside. 

Thankfully no-one even noticed the two of you were gone - or so you thought. As you let out a deep breath, Penelope appeared in front of you. The bubbly blonde linked her arm with yours and eagerly pulled you gently across the restaurant to a table where the rest of the girls sat.

“Sit, sit.” She pointed to one of the empty chairs. “You look like you need a break sweetie.” “Thank you.” You breathed while plopping down and making yourself comfortable.

“So, how’s your night going?” Tara asked while taking a sip of her drink. “Are you having fun?” “Honestly, I’m exhausted. If I hear another comment on how you should never go to bed angry with your spouse I am going to throw myself out a window.” You replied making the girls laugh.

“It’s only uphill from here.” JJ joked. You rolled your eyes at her playfully. “Way to cheer me up honey.” “Anytime.” She shoot you a wink just as Luke and Spencer joined. Luke placed a tray of tequila shots on the table and pulled up a chair next to Penelope. 

“Hey, where did Ethan go?” He asked while sitting down. “I saw you guys leave when we were at the bar and only you came back.” Garcia nudged his arm, and he instantly knew that he shouldn't have said anything. He smiled at you apologetically as an inaudible sigh escaped your lips. “He got called to an emergency at the hospital.” No-one said anything. They just glanced between one another. 

“Excuse me.” You muttered getting to your feet, and as you walked away you heard Garcia say to Alves: “Way to go newbie.”.

The brunette agent suddenly jumped out in front of you causing a halt in your step. He placed his hands on your shoulders, and you hesitantly looked up to meet his comforting gaze. 

“Stopped me to say I told you so.” You mumbled fighting back tears. 

“I would never do that.” He affirmed even though he didn't have to because your statement was only rhetorical. Spencer was not the kind of man to gloat, or make you feel even worse than you already were. “I just wanted to see if you were okay.” 

“I’m not.” You replied honestly. “I mean my fiancé just left our engagement party, he told me he's not coming home tonight, and to top it all off he-” You bit your tongue. You couldn't tell him that last part. “Never mind. I don't want to bother you with my problems.” 

“You could never bother me. Never.” Spencer reassured.

A tiny smile circled your lips. “That’s sweet Spencer, and you have no idea how much it means to me.” He smiled back. “However, this is a party, so we best go and try have a little fun.” “Y/N...” He wanted to protest but you lifted up your hand and placed it on top of his. “I promise one of these days I will unload all my shit on you doctor. Tonight is just not that night.” 

Spencer nodded slowly agreeing with your promise. You smiled at him, still holding his hand. The two of you stood completely frozen and soundless; as if there was no-one else in the restaurant, no party. 

Spencer’s heart was thumping so hard in his chest he thought it would burst at any given second. And even though his mind was racing in circles, there was a permanent image stuck vividly. You. He wondered if in that moment you felt as strong of a connection as he did.

His question was answered when you dropped your hand and broke the eye contact. The imaginary glass shattered; he was brought back to earth. 

He dropped his arms too, and cleared his throat. 

“Pumpkin, just exactly where is that fiancé of yours?” Your dad asked, suddenly appearing next to you. “He was supposed to-” His eyes landed on Spencer.  “As I live and breathe, Dr. Reid.” Your dad smiled. “I would shake your hand but I remember you’re not the biggest fan of that.”

“That’s alright Mr. Y/L/N.” Spencer responded reaching out his hand. “Good evening sir.” He greeted while shaking your dads hand. “Please son, we’ve known each other long enough, just call me Anthony. Plus if my memory serves me correctly I think I’ve asked you this before.” 

Spencer smiled softly. “Right, of course. How’ve you been Anthony?” 

Your dad smiled back. “Ah you know son, I can’t complain.” “Dad’s retired now, so he is spending a lot of time reading, going on walks.” You chimed in making your dad roll his eyes. He looked at Spencer. “Truthfully son, I am bored out of my mind. Retirement is boring.” 

“Dad, it’s well earned rest.” You noted.

“I’ll rest when I’m dead pumpkin.” Anthony joked causing you to gently nudge his arm. “Dad!” Spencer couldn't help but chuckle. 

Anthony waved his hand in front of his face before changing the subject. “Now, where is that fiancé of yours?” He asked again. “He had to go to work.” You answered, and Spencer could see that although he didn't say anything your dad wasn't impressed. 

“Well pumpkin, if he’s gone then would you mind calling me a cab back to the hotel? I’ll leave you kids to enjoy the rest of your night, and I will see you tomorrow for brunch as planned.” You nodded, kissed his cheek, and stepped away to call the taxi leaving Spencer and Anthony alone.

Once you were out of earshot, Anthony turned to Spencer. “Keep an eye on her for me, won’t you son?” He asked. “I want what’s best for my only daughter, and between you and me Dr. Reid, she doesn't seem happy.” 

Spencer didn't know what to say. He felt slightly guilty for not being there fore you these last couple of weeks. After tonight, and noticing the odd dynamic between you and Ethan, he agreed with your dad. Maybe if he hadn't been so distant he'd have noticed earlier? However, Spencer knew that if he told you how he felt you’d only go back to arguing and that’s the last thing he wanted. 

“I know it is a lot to ask given your history, and I will completely understand if you decline but quite frankly son, you’re the only person I can count on.”

“Don’t worry sir.” Spencer began. “I will keep an eye on her.” Anthony smiled at Spencer’s response. He placed a grateful hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gratefully. “Thank you Dr. Reid.” 

You rejoined them shortly after that. As your dad said his goodbyes, you asked him to text you when he got back to the hotel safely. 

Soon you and Spencer were alone once again - well not entirely given the party was in full swing. 

“Let me buy you a drink.” Spencer offered. You giggled looking back up at him. “It’s an open bar doctor.” You pointed out making Spencer chuckle. “Then let me order you a drink and keep you company.” He corrected himself. “Maybe ward off crazy relatives. How does that sound?”

“Given that my aunt May has been eyeing me for the last fifteen minutes, and she’s quite the talker, it sounds good doctor.” You replied. With a wide grin, Spencer extended his arm and pointed in the direction of the bar. “After you.”

No matter what his assumptions about your relationship with Ethan were, Spencer’s priority from this point on was going to be keeping that promise he made to your dad. 

Maybe it wasn’t over for him yet. Maybe he could still win you back. Truth be told he really wanted to try, but that was no longer important.

Being your friend was. As much as that would potentially suck.

I confess I can tell that you are at your best I'm selfish so I'm hating it

-

A/N: hello friends! i hope you liked the second chapter of this mini-series. i’d love to hear your feedback and what you think will happen next! if you would like to be added to a taglist, please let me know. thank you for your continuous support. with love, mal. x

taglist: @girloncorneliastreet​, @haylaansmi​, @rexorangecouny​, @l0ve-0f-my-life​

masterlist | series masterlist

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fic #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid series #spencer reid angst #mgg #mgg x reader #mgg fanfiction #mgg fanfic #champagne problems series

[lesbianlotties]

three guesses - Alice/Cindy - Fear Street

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Fear Street Trilogy (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Alice/Cindy Berman (Fear Street) Characters: Alice (Fear Street Part 2: 1978), Cindy Berman (Fear Street) Additional Tags: Pre-Canon, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, First Love, First Kiss, Lesbian Cindy Berman (Fear Street), Fluff, it's basically fluff with humor character study foreshadowing and idk they're just cute Words: 1,845

The two of them were only friends and would always be and Alice was perfectly fine with that… sometimes.

or

Alice and Cindy are best friends and have always been. Alice and Cindy are also hopelessly in love with each other, even if they don't know it yet. Then... their first kiss happens.

Alice was used to thinking a lot about Cindy Berman. It started when they were just little kids. Alice had been of the misguided belief that bothering somebody was a reasonable way to show your appreciation for them. So, mesmerized by the quiet brunette that carried herself with more confidence than anyone else in the playground, a young Alice had decided to push Cindy to the ground. She had smiled all the way even after Cindy had jumped back to her feet and tackled her down to the ground too. It had been the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Just a regular friendship. The two of them were only friends and would always be and Alice was perfectly fine with that… sometimes.

The problem was she never stopped thinking too much about Cindy Berman. She thought about those blue eyes that were inevitably expressive and honest despite Cindy’s emotional walls. She thought about Cindy’s temper, the scariest thing in all of Shadyside for Alice, who was used to seeing Cindy as impressively calm and collected until one bad thing set her off beyond repair and it was time to hide. Except, Alice never hid from Cindy. She took Cindy’s anger, and Cindy’s passion, and Cindy’s braveness, and it only made her stronger, something she was thankful for. Not only did she need a considerable amount of strength to endure her own complicated life. But it was something that prepared her for all the things that entailed having Cindy Berman in her life and, worst-case scenario, losing her.

It was a complicated balance, whatever it was that Cindy kept inside her. Alice didn’t exactly understand it. She had never considered herself to be too complicated. She was just lucky enough to be one of the people that didn’t have to put too much effort into understanding themselves. Confident and comfortable in the person she was from a young age, Alice had a lot of free self-discovery time to spare. Time she spent staring at Cindy when she thought the other girl wouldn’t notice. So, she noticed the signs. Slowly but surely Cindy raised the walls she kept around herself. Cindy was used to trying to tame her temper for others’ sake, but she started taming her confidence, and her authenticity. It looked like she was trying to isolate herself from the rest of Shadyside. Alice was left fearing the day some little thing would change Cindy Berman forever. 

Before that could happen, however, they were still just themselves. Alice and her unrestrained laughter, Cindy and her fearless nature. Alice and her curiosity, Cindy and her cleverness. A treacherous combination that was put to good use in Shadyside, where looking for trouble was the easiest thing in the world. There was no need to pretend they were someone else, some well-adjusted children, some picture-perfect girls from a magazine. They were messy, and creative, and inseparable. Alice looked for trouble, Cindy dared her to make it twice as risky. Alice hesitated at the edge of a cliff, Cindy ran up behind her and threw both of them to a lake, limbs tangled and free as they would ever be. Last but not least, Alice was clueless as to how to express her feelings for her best friend, and Cindy instinctively but blindly reciprocated them twice as fiercely.

There was a special summer when the two girls had the most fun they ever had together. Of course, there were gray clouds all around their small bubble of joy. They were in Shadyside, after all. Alice was already hiding scars, and Cindy’s father was already out of the picture. Alice was starting to want more fun than it could be safe to have, just to pretend that the rest of life wasn’t so difficult. Cindy was starting to retreat into her own thoughts, the wheels turning in her mind as she stared at the easier lives that Sunnyvalers had. But things hadn’t gotten out of control yet. Summer felt bright and endless. Cindy cut Alice hair, and Alice nearly burned down the Berman’s kitchen. Always a little chaos, always a lot of fun, always the two of them together. They spent their days together, to make up for the shadows lurking in their respective homes. Very often, Cindy’s younger sister would tag along with them, making Cindy complain about how much Ziggy was trying to be like Alice, even if she secretly thought it was adorable. Life was good.

Life, however, was going to be put upside down for them very soon. Not even in the tragic way they had grown to expect. Not yet.

First, they had to live through the day when they were hanging out at the Berman residence and Alice asked Cindy to do her makeup. More specifically, Alice shoved a black eyeliner in her best friend’s hands and then let herself fall on Cindy’s bed without a second thought.

“Come on. Don’t stop until I look like a stoned panda,” Alice said.

“You’re so stupid,” Cindy sighed. She was using that very particular Cindy Berman tone of voice that Alice could recognize as trying to sound annoyed but secretly enjoying herself.

Alice's thoughts, however, were rudely interrupted by her brain finally catching up with her severe miscalculation. Before she knew what exactly was happening, Cindy was on the bed with her. Cindy was on the bed on top of her. Her admirable best friend was straddling Alice’s waist and wearing a deep frown of concentration as she started to work on Alice’s eyeliner.

“Shut your mouth before a fly gets lost in there,” Cindy teased her friend with a smirk.

Seeing herself caught with her lips parted in surprise, Alice snapped her mouth shut. But she continued to stare up at her best friend’s endearingly focused expression. This position was at once that best and worst feeling Alice could remember experiencing in her young life. Cindy’s eyes were strikingly blue. And no matter how tough Cindy tried to look, there was always that soft smile that appeared on her lips without her realizing it. Their faces were maddeningly close. Alice could feel Cindy breathing, and she could have probably heard Cindy’s heart beating, if her own heartbeat wasn’t already a loud drum in her chest. Before she could worry too much about the idea of Cindy being able to hear her heart beating so loud and wonder the reason behind that, Alice decided to do something about this situation. She had to fight back. 

“You look cute,” Alice blurted out. She felt genuinely surprised by her mind’s ability to continuously come up with the wrong strategy to express or hide her feelings.

“Shut up,” Cindy replied. She scoffed like a true unruly Shadysider. But Cindy still marveled at her friend’s inability to hide that sweet strain in her voice. It didn’t matter if at the end of the day they were all cursed the same. To Alice, Cindy was unlike everyone else in this town.

“What?” Alice laughed, “It’s true!”

Her laughter shook her whole body, and nearly made Cindy lose her balance. But instead of laughing along, the brunette’s frown deepened and she stopped her use of the eyeliner.

“Hey!” Cindy snapped. “I’m as tough as you, you know?” She poked at her friend’s chest with the eyeliner.

“Ouch!” Alice exclaimed, and raised her hands in surrender. “I know, Berman. Trust me, I know.” She took a moment to think about all those times when Cindy Berman and her angelic blue eyes proved to be just as much of a troublemaker as Alice herself. However, then she couldn’t help but break the silence. “You’re still cute though.”

This time Cindy surrendered to her friend’s charm and laughed along with her. “Fuck you,” she said and rolled her eyes affectionately. Then she started working on Alice’s makeup again.

However, that little interruption had brought them closer than before, which started a couple of problems. For Cindy, she realized she was nearly done. She had already applied more eyeliner than necessary. But she was thrown off guard by how much she did not want to move away from her current spot. For Alice, as usual, her problem started with Cindy’s laugh. Because it brought Alice’s attention to Cindy’s mouth, and then there was Cindy’s easy smile firmly in place, and Alice simply couldn’t look away from her best friend’s lips. In the end, it couldn’t have happened more naturally even in their dreams.

The atmosphere around them had irrevocably changed. The energy between their bodies was simply different. Cindy couldn’t have continued with the application of makeup even if she had tried, because her hand was starting to shake. So instead she found balance holding on to Alice’s right shoulder. 

“Done,” Cindy announced quietly, without meeting Alice’s eyes.

“Thanks,” Alice replied, her eyes still lingering on Cindy’s lips.

Then Alice carefully pushed herself up on her elbows. Not much, just enough to hear a very small breathless gasp escape Cindy’s mouth. But neither of them tried to move away from each other.

“Alice.”

“Yeah?”

Only when she heard Cindy call her name did Alice look back into her favorite pair of blue eyes. She was beyond happy to notice those eyes were staring at her mouth. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest that Alice feared she could get a heart attack. Still, she was smiling when she finally closed the distance between them and kissed Cindy Berman for the first time.

Alice nearly gasped in utter surprise when she felt Cindy immediately reciprocate the kiss. But then Cindy pulled away, enough to spark a sense of panic in the other girl, but not enough for it to last. In fact, it seemed she only moved to sit more comfortably in Alice’s lap.

“What are you doing?” Cindy wondered breathlessly. She shook her head a little, incredulous, not of what just happened, but of how good it felt. She placed a gentle hand on Alice's cheek. She could feel and see the moment Alice smiled playfully at her.

“Three guesses,” Alice replied right before reconnecting their lips in a  much more confident kiss.

Cindy made a small noise of surprise, and then she stifled a giggle against Alice’s lips. They continued to exchange kisses until Alice’s arms got tired. She let herself fall back on the bed, taking Cindy down with her. The movement broke their kiss, and it was a miracle that they didn’t accidentally bite their lips as they fell into bed. But they didn’t mind if it was messy, if it was an imperfect moment. For them, it couldn’t have been better. They laughed wholeheartedly, and then they were back to kissing. Alice wrapped her arms around Cindy’s waist, and Cindy reciprocated by tangling a hand in Alice’s hair. Personal changes and life-changing problems could wait. Shadyside and the entire world would have to wait too. There was a couple of best friends figuring out how perfectly they fit together and how much they had really wanted to kiss each other.

#shoutout to fear street for being the only fandom that inspired me to write about a different pairing without even mentioning my otp #cindy berman is a lesbian! #fear street #fear street fanfiction #cindy berman #alice fear street #cindy x alice #alice x cindy #fear street part 2: 1978 #fear street trilogy #my fic

[angelictaehyun]

Growing Pains

⤷ In kindergarten, he accidentally punched your nose. Thankfully, from that, a loving, caring friendship blossomed. Since then, you both had been attached at the hip, until suddenly... you’re halfway across the globe, a couple thousand miles apart.

PAIRING; yeonjun/reader

WORD COUNT; 3.2k

GENRE; singer!yeonjun, coming of age au, angst, slight fluff

WARNING; mild swearing, heartbreak, abandonment, angst

.

Honestly, five-year-old Yeonjun was nothing short of a nightmare. Though, he was seen this way only by you. 

On a sunny day, sometime in kindergarten, he sat crouched on the playground’s field, searching for a ladybug. As for you, you believed if you found a ladybug, it could grant you a wish, thus you joined the young boy in his quest. You sat next to him, mindlessly searching the grass, and when he looked up to see you... he panicked. Other children, as he was told, are unclean and gross, and that’s exactly the sentiment he told himself as he pushed you onto the grass, causing you to scrape your elbow and bleed. You couldn’t stop sniffling as a big, crocodile tear trickled down your face; he felt terrible. In the palm of his clammy hand, he held a tiny, red ladybug, and seeing you cry, pushed him to give it to you. 

"Please, just take it,” he quivered nervously. He thrust his hand in your face to present the small creature, but he ended up punching your nose. Unsurprisingly, you began full-on bawling. 

He ended up in the principal’s office, and despite his feeble attempt to explain the true incident, his nap and playground time was taken away as punishment. Shortly after, he sulked back to class, passing the nurse’s office. Through the tinted, glass window, he saw you laying on an uncomfortable cot with an ice pack held over your nose and gauze over your injured elbow. 

He was miserable. 

He decided to genuinely apologize. He despised the idea of you being upset with him, even though he didn’t know you. After a stolen pint of ice cream from the school’s cafeteria, a pleading fest, a horrendous papier-mâché, and a heartfelt apology, you decided he wasn’t the worst. As for Yeonjun, he decided he liked you and suddenly, in the blink of an eye, he was glued to your side. 

But you didn’t mind. It was hard to resist his smile. 

· ──────────────────── ·

The day you decided Jung Mina was your absolute, garbage, worst enemy, you were nine. 

On your first day back at school, you had gone to the restroom for a quick minute, and when you returned, you found she had stolen your diary to read in front of the class. Though she was quite the golden child, pissing you off to no end. Fortunately, your school’s field day neared the horizon and you decided to show her up. You wanted everyone, specifically Choi Yeonjun, to see your pure, unadulterated talent. You decided to absolutely destroy her in each event. 

You were quite the vengeful nine-year-old. 

Yeonjun, on the other hand, felt hesitant to follow through with your field-day-domination plan. Mina was just too pretty. Her hair smelled like sage and he had the biggest crush on her, unbeknownst to you. He was scared to mention his deep, dark secret, especially after you vocalized your complicated plan. You received virtually no help from him on field day. Despite that, you had won nearly every event. Unfortunately, somehow, you remained tied for champion with Mina, but the tiebreaker seemed quite simple. All you had to do was win a human-wheelbarrow race with Yeonjun, it was almost too easy. 

And in all honesty, you would’ve won had Yeonjun not dropped you in the middle of the field and trip over your body, easily distracted by an air kiss from Mina, herself. He’d been lovestruck, but he didn’t have much time to dwell, especially not when you were squashed under him. He scrambled to help you back up, hoping he didn’t completely ruin your chance but it was too late, you had long lost the race. He turned to you, meeting your unkempt ponytail, narrowed, piercing gaze, sweat, and pursed lips. He was terrified, rightfully so. You told him off in the middle of the field, him withering in shame as he took in your colorful wording. 

You chose to ignore him for a week, leaving him pouty. He decided to relive the past and create another papier-mâché, steal ice cream, and beg for forgiveness at your front door. He stood in the doorway, glancing at you with big, apologetic doe eyes, as an onset of a tear formed. Your resolve crumbled as you pulled him into a forgiving hug. As you pulled away, you admired his puffy lips which tilted into a small smile, and for the first time in your life, you felt your heart flutter. 

He never did tell you about his crush on Mina. In the end, it didn’t quite matter. 

· ──────────────────── ·

Year thirteen, you experimented with makeup. A lot of it. You tried different brands, colors, and styles. Yeonjun would be lying if he said you didn’t resemble a clown, but he kept his mouth shut and let you figure yourself out. Unfortunately, people were mean. When boys laughed at you behind your back, he made sure to drag them outside and put them in their place. When girls acted catty, he held you when you cried. When your family fell apart, he sat and devoured ice cream until your stomach ached. When you decided to join the dance team, he cheered you on at the audition. 

He was always protecting and supporting you, even when you weren’t aware. 

Lastly, when Homecoming approached, he was by your side as your unofficial date.

You both sat on the gym bleacher, overlooking your classmates who were either awkwardly swaying to the music, stuffing their faces at the snack station, or making out with each other. You regretted attending the dance, considering your boredom. though, when your watchful gaze traveled back to the couple kissing, a brilliant idea came forth.

“Junie, you know, neither of us has had our first kiss,” you observed, leaning slightly to see his reaction. He simply hummed in response, not fully listening. You continued, “... and I want to have my first kiss. I think we should have our first kiss with... each other.”

He stayed still, showing no indication of acknowledging your statement. You didn’t blame him, the music was quite loud anyway, you could barely hear yourself. You pretended you didn’t say anything and for an awfully long moment, you both stayed silent. Though that silence mixed in with a hint of embarrassment got too overwhelming, you had to excuse yourself to the restroom. As you left, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He definitely heard you, but he didn’t know how to process your ask let alone go through with it. He spent so much time, deep in thought, that he failed to realize your absence. When he snapped out his pensive state, he searched the massive gym for you and found you almost immediately, but you weren’t alone. You were pressed up against a dirty, filthy wall, experiencing your first kiss with someone that most certainly wasn’t Yeonjun.

He stood frozen, feeling a bit creepish, yet he couldn’t move if he wanted to, he couldn’t even breathe. Unfortunately, you didn’t stop until a while later, forcing Yeonjun to watch every second in complete agony. Your hair was messy and you were out of breath— that sight broke Yeonjun’s heart. The other boy dragged you onto the dance floor and when you spotted Yeonjun, standing absolutely dumbfounded, you sent a big smile and cheeky wink his way.

You seemed too cheery, and though he was your best friend that should’ve reveled in your happiness, all he saw was red. He felt pure, unadulterated rage, and jealousy. He was supposed to make your first kiss unforgettable, not the other boy.

It was supposed to be him.

· ──────────────────── ·

At fourteen, you decided you didn’t necessarily like your boyfriend all too much, especially since someone else already held your heart. Sure, you felt the loss of your first relationship, but the realization that you’d loved Yeonjun for longer than you cared to admit, hurt more. Though, what hurt the most, was the conclusion that your love was likely unrequited. That night, you sobbed into the phone, and the second he heard your cracked voice, he hopped on his bike and headed in your direction.

It didn’t matter the time, he needed to make sure you’d be okay.

Naturally, he believed you were heartbroken from your breakup, so he attempted to soothe you with ice cream and cuddling. He pulled you against his chest and softly caressed your hair as you watched Titanic; it was supposed to make you feel better, but it made you feel significantly worse. He belted out the movie’s famous ballad in a feeble attempt to lift your spirit and for the first time that night, you smiled. It was a fake smile, of course, but he wasn’t privy to that. Nonetheless, he thought you looked breathtaking.

You complimented his soothing, silvery, beautiful voice — it made his heart swoon.

He was fourteen when he decided to become a singer. It was also at fourteen, he realized he was hopelessly in love with you.

· ──────────────────── ·

At fifteen, you rode the dinky, old subway with Yeonjun to a company audition — one he eventually passed and became a trainee for.

You were there the day he stepped foot into the building for his first training session. You were there when he felt like a loner amongst the other trainee, and you were there when he decided to become the absolute best, letting nothing get in the way of his dream. He set his sight high, and with that determination running through his bloodstream, he decided to express his undying love for you. So when you kissed him back, on the roof of his house, under the moonlight, after eating a gallon of ice cream, he felt like he had everything in his grasp.

After that night, you never let each other go. You stayed by each other’s side and fell more in love as the days passed by, remaining blissfully unaware of the pain the future had to offer. At least you were happy, even if that happiness was on a ticking clock.

· ──────────────────── ·

You were eighteen when you packed a bag and said goodbye to Yeonjun.

A month before high school graduation, you irrationally decided to study abroad in America. You weren’t stupid, you knew about the promise he made to himself when he was younger, his whole schtick of letting nothing stop him from his dream. You knew you were a hindrance, and it was only a matter of time before he realized that as well. You loved him with your entire heart, that much was obvious, but you didn’t want to be the thing to hold him back. He begged you to stay, he said he could have you and success, something you both knew was a plain lie. He couldn’t have you and be an idol, it was one or the other, but he was too stubborn to admit that to himself.

He drove you to the airport in a painfully silent car ride. He was angry, hurt, devastated by your decision to leave him, but you, on the other hand, felt complete and utter relief. He was so close to reaching his dream and all you truly wanted was his happiness, unfortunately, leaving was the only way you knew how to ensure it.

You cried as you said your farewell to him, but his blank face gave no indicator as to how he truly felt; he had barely spoken a word to you the entire week leading up to your departure. He stood motionless as you kissed his cheek, completely devoid of emotion — it hurt you. When you walked away, you felt heartbroken but much lighter. He watched your figure travel through security, unable to bring himself to leave. When you turned for a final glance, you noticed how broken he seemed, but you knew he’d piece himself back together — it would just be without you.

When you turned the corner, leaving his sight, he let every emotion flood his body. That night, he sobbed into his pillow, crying harder than he ever had before.

He’d lost you.

· ──────────────────── ·

You truly discover yourself at twenty. You graduated university earlier than everyone else, got your first and only tattoo, decided America wasn’t great, and moved back to Seoul. Hell, you even found your signature scent.

As much as the country itself sucked, your time in America served you well. You got your first job, experienced university life, made a friend or two, dated a lot, but most importantly, you got the degree you diligently worked for. Of course, it was hard to be away from him. You spent months holed up in your room, refusing to leave the apartment. It hurt the most when you watched his debut, seeing his face rushed every memory back to you. However, over a long period, you slowly pieced yourself back together and moved on. Eventually, you were able to think of him without feeling a sharp pang in your heart.

When you moved back, you weren’t surprised to see his handsome face plastered along the subway or on large billboards. It brought up old scars, habits, memories, but it reminded you that he was able to achieve everything he sought out to do. You, of course, knew he would, he was too stubborn and hardworking to fail; he was meant to succeed.

You just hoped he was happy.

While you were self-discovering in America, Yeonjun nearly gave up everything. He wasn’t proud to admit it, but countless times he almost bought a one-way ticket to you. However, a newfound brother held him back and kept encouraging him to move on. Not long after, he thanked Soobin for his support, had it not been for him, Yeonjun would’ve given up everything. He understood why you left and it was that knowledge that pushed him to work harder, he just wanted to make you proud, even if you were out of his life. He worked tirelessly to debut and once he did, he realized that despite everything, it was worth it.

If it was meant to be, he’d find you again.

He let his mind stray to you from time to time. He couldn’t help it, you were the love of his life. He truly hoped that wherever you were, you were happy.

· ──────────────────── ·

At age twenty-one, on a warm summer’s night, you left your apartment to head to a convenience store, searching for a pint of ice cream and an iced coffee, and maybe an energy drink if you were feeling desperate. Not a month into moving home, you had decided to pursue a master’s degree, but on a night such as this, where you frantically searched for any source of caffination just so you could complete your dissertation, you sorely regretted it.

You were met with harsh, fluorescent lighting as you entered the store but it was a welcomed relief, especially after staring wide-eyed at a computer screen for the past week. You browsed then snack aisle, too preoccupied to notice the soft jingle of the opening door. a tall, lean figure strut past your aisle, standing in front of the drink section for a bit, clearly having trouble deciding on a beverage. You made your way to the front, feeling content with your pint of ice cream, iced americano, and a bonus bag of pretzels. On your way, you stumbled into the hoodied boy and you cursed yourself because only you would run smack into the only other customer in the shop. You scrambled to pick up your scattered belonging, “Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t see where I was going, I’m such a klutz. Next time, I’ll pay more attenti—”

“Y/N, it’s you...” the soft, hushed voice cut off.

You stared at the young boy’s feet, slowly lifting your gaze to scan the rest of him, stopping at his broad chest, too afraid to look into his fox-like eyes. You knew it was him, of course, you did. It was the same deep, soothing, honeyed voice you spent your childhood falling in love with. Your breath caught in your throat as you dared steal a glance at his face. When you finally met his piercing gaze, he thought he saw the universe in your eyes. He opened his mouth in silent awe as a stray tear cascaded down his cheek. He moved toward you as if you were a flighty deer, and hovered his face closely. You thought he was going to kiss you, and surprisingly, you were quite eager despite the time apart. He pulled you into a loving embrace, so tight, you believed he’d never let go — not that you wanted him to.

That night, he accompanied you home.

Your heartfelt reunion was more than you could’ve asked for. He spent the night with you, doing nothing but catching up, laughing at past memories, eating ice cream, and slowly falling back in love. When he pressed you against your sink, he kissed you with everything he had. At that moment, you understood that despite the painful heartache, everything worked for the best.

You were truly meant to be, you found your way back to him.

Everything was complicated, unsurprising for an idol, but he saw the way you looked at him; it was a look that said you’d move every mountain and all the bright stars in the sky, just to make him happy. It was the same way he looked at you.

He told himself once, when he was a young five-year-old, that he wanted to stay by your side. He left it once, but he’d be damned if he ever left it again.

#txt imagines #txt x reader #txt fanfic #txt scenarios #yeonjun x reader #yeonjun imagines #yeonjun drabbles #choi yeonjun #idol!yeonjun #choi soobin #choi beomgyu #kang taehyun #huening kai #yeonjun #kpop fanfic #angst #fluff #txt #funky fox

[mynameseri]

In the Name of Love

Risotto Nero x Reader

My first writing commission🖤 If you are interested in commissioning me, send me a DM!

Warnings: None! SFW, kinda angsty kinda fluffy

Word Count: 2k

--

No matter how you adjusted your body on the cushions of the black leather couch, you weren’t able to get fully comfortable. Your anxiety overwhelmed you to the point of physical discomfort, which you couldn’t seem to ease no matter how hard you tried. The entirety of La Squadra occupied the rest of the room, chattering amongst themselves until the arrival of your leader: Risotto Nero. As you sat by yourself on the couch, it felt impossible to muster the courage to talk to any of your teammates. The reason for this meeting was your fault anyway. You knew it and even if they didn’t openly say it, they knew it too. The guilt of your mistake was why you sat alone on the couch, unable to meet their eyes with your own.

Silence filled the room and every set of eyes was on Risotto as he entered and took a seat in a spot that everyone could view clearly. It was common for La Squadra to regroup a few days after a mission, usually reviewing how it went and what could be done better in future missions once the dust of the current one had settled. You were all professional assassins, so it was important to strive for improvement and eliminate all weaknesses as they arose.

“You all know why we’re here today,” Risotto declared with an expressionless face. He was always hard to read in the public eye in a bid to uphold his professionalism, frequently hiding his emotions only to unveil them in private settings. Despite his well kept composure, every member of the squad was aware of the strength and power he held, physically and within the mafia. He was not one to mess with or doubt.

“The mission went well with minimal damage taken on our end. By definition it was a success; we met our objectives and obtained what was needed. Putting the obvious aside, certain members went against their directions and that is an action that can put us all in danger, which I cannot allow.”

As he continued on with the meeting, remorse lingered in your stomach alongside the flashbacks running through your mind. These flashbacks had been haunting you, playing on repeat since that moment. You and Risotto were partners during the mission due to the compatibility of your stands for it. Despite that, working together was a decision he came to regret in the end due to how your performance in the mission turned out. The possible outcomes of pairing up lovers had been clear from the start. Relationships and work always seemed to end up a hot mess, as you had seen through other groupings of romantic partners in  La Squadra in the past. Feelings interfere with logic and critical thinking; you now knew that firsthand.

“Remember, you must keep your own safety a top priority during a mission. You’re given certain orders: see them through. Worrying about your teammates comes second, as they also need to focus on their own safety first.” Risotto’s words were honest ones; it was every man for himself in this job setting. Assassination was a tough line of work and putting others before yourself was risky and could lead to sloppy work. Letting his words sink in, you reflected on yourself. You were always headstrong, letting your gut feeling take control even if it meant disobeying orders, which was exactly what Risotto and the team were against.

Even if your actions were in a bid to save Risotto from injury, they went against the rules and order of La Squadra. From your perspective, he was in danger, potentially unaware of the enemy lurking nearby, but with the help of your stand you sensed it and tried to intercept them from hurting Risotto, which ended up making you vulnerable to their attack. Because of how quickly everything was happening, you couldn’t judge if Risotto was aware of their presence or could sense the danger. Going with your instinct, you stepped in and pushed him out of the way of the attack, which narrowly missed him. Even though you didn’t follow your orders, you were able to save him and you both escaped with taking no damage, but you knew he wasn’t going to let your disobedience and recklessness slide.

The meeting ended sooner than you expected, mostly because your other teammates had stuck to the plan so there was no point in endlessly lecturing them for mistakes they didn’t make. After giving his final thoughts on the matter, the rest of the teammates dispersed from the meeting room, heading to their designated rooms in the base. The number of members in the room slowly decreased until the only ones left were you and Risotto.

The tension hanging in the air made you even weaker than you already felt. Risotto hadn’t spoken to you since the end of the mission days ago, making you ache for him in ways you didn’t know were possible. You were so used to constantly communicating with him and being beside him, being separated by his will was hell to you. He needed time to work through his thoughts and emotions, to select the right words and logically think through the situation and handle it appropriately.

Risotto understood where you were coming from and your intentions, but he didn’t like you endangering yourself just for him, in the name of love rather than sticking to the methods of work. He could hold his own out there and you knew it; you also knew you needed to separate your feelings from work. This was why partnering with him on missions was problematic.The whole situation was messy. He was mad and he had every right to be; putting space between you two was his punishment and he hoped for you to finally learn your lesson.

“We need to talk.” Ris breathed in a low growl, giving you the look you knew damn well meant you were in trouble. “My office. Now.” As he got up from his seat, you were quick to follow suit, only steps behind him at any given moment. It felt so good to be in his presence again, something you had so desperately craved after being apart the last few days. Although you knew this was going to be a tough conversation, you couldn’t help but feel at ease knowing the separation between you two was coming to an end. As you approached his office, he gestured for you to enter first and followed behind you, closing the door as he went.

“(Y/n),” He huffed, pressing you up against the nearest wall and intensely gazing into your soul. Despite his expressionless face, his glowing red eyes showed his anguish, a sight that inexplicably overwhelmed you. “Listen to me next time, caro/a.” Each word pierced into you in a way that made your heart feel heavier than it did previously.

“Ris-” You started, in an attempt to justify your actions, but he quickly stopped you, pressing his index finger roughly against your lips. The feeling of his skin against your own brought butterflies into your stomach, despite the seriousness of the situation.

“You need to follow instructions; I gave them for a reason. I don’t want you getting hurt. You could have gotten severely injured, perhaps even killed, back there.” His words echoed in your mind; he was right. “I can take a hit, handle an attack against me. It wasn’t worth putting your own life on the line and giving your position away to the enemy.” You knew there was nothing you could say to justify going against his gameplan. You acted with your heart and not your head, a critical mistake. You knew he wasn’t exactly mad at you for going against orders as much as he was upset that you could have gotten hurt trying to save him.

“I know. I know,” You sighed, not even putting up a fight against his words now. “I wasn’t thinking clearly… I acted out of love…” Trying to piece together your words became harder as a pit grew in your stomach, your voice cracking as you continued, “Because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.” Just those words were enough to release all of your emotion, leading you to pull him in for a hug. Sensing your guilt and sadness, he reciprocated the hug and held you even tighter - he was always a sucker for your touch.

As you melted into his arms, nothing else in the world seemed to matter. Two lovers in a passionate embrace, soaking in one another’s feelings through touch. You thought you knew what you were signing up for when you joined La Squadra. But you never would have guessed you would end up falling in love with Risotto. While your relationship was a gift, it was also something that complicated life more than you’d both like. It was challenging to find the balance between lovers and teammates, especially in the midst of missions. But you knew miscalculations and mistakes could be fatal, so there was a time and place to let your feelings take the lead, and during work was not the right time.

His grip loosened from the hug and your eyes met once more in a shared gaze full of love and unspoken words. The feeling coursing through your body was one that couldn’t ever be fully explained. You were the only person he could share this side of himself with, while he chose to maintain his strong, hard image with all others; it was undeniable how much he loved you. He was open with his true thoughts and feelings; he was genuinely himself when he was with you. You could feel him softening up, not just by his grip but also through the tension in the air that was fading and instead replaced with your fondness for each other.

“Please be more careful next time, caro/a.” He whispered, planting a kiss atop your head. “I would hate myself if anything happened to you because of me.” The words were enough to send a chill down your spine while making your heart feel as if it could burst at any given moment.

“I promise this won’t happen again, Ris. I’m sorry,” your voice quivered as the words escaped your lips, eyes quickly averting towards the floor. Putting his index finger to your chin, he lifted your face to look up at him, and pulled you in close, pressing his soft lips against yours. Oh how you had missed the feeling of adrenaline ripping through your bloodstream from his kisses; you never wanted to do anything that might make him want space from you ever again. You loved him. You needed him. Nothing was worth jeopardizing your relationship with him. You deepened the kiss, bringing your own hands to his face, slowly entangling your fingers in his hair as you traded the taste of mint and heartfelt emotions between your tongues.

“Thank you, piccolo/a.” He interrupted the kiss and softly smiled, “I only make these orders with the intention of keeping you as safe as I possibly can. I hope you understand that and where I’m coming from with my requests.” Feeling like he had said enough, his lips crashed against yours once again, picking up where they had left off.

It was clear the hardest part was over and things were moving from what felt like a lecture to something more fun and well needed. You pulled back from the hot and heavy kiss, inhaling a deep breath and basking in the beauty of Risotto’s signature smirk. You couldn’t get enough of him, he was your everything. Kisses weren’t enough to satisfy your desires from him at the current moment, you needed more and it was obvious he did too with the way he was eyeing you like a piece of tender meat. It was time to let the worries and issues of work be put behind you for now.

“Let’s take this elsewhere,” Risotto hummed, gently taking your hand in his own and leading you toward the door. You effortlessly followed, willing to go wherever he planned on taking you. As you exited the room, a sense of relief filled your body knowing everything was okay. You strolled together, hand in hand, down the hallway toward your shared room eager to release the rest of your pent up desire and feelings through making love to one another.

#eri.writes #commission #jjba #risotto x reader #Risotto Nero #jjba part 5 #la squadra #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #JoJos Bizzare Adventure #jojo risotto #jjba risotto

[ceriseisland]

I love how complicated the relationship between Ruby and his father is. It would have been really easy to make it black and white, with Norman being a perfect father to drive up Ruby’s guiltiness about running away from home. But it’s much more complex than that.

Norman is a pretty shitty dad in a lot of respects. He’s straight-up abusive, with the most obvious example being their iconic fight scene. The part that always sticks out to me is when Norman rips up a concrete staircase and slams it over the side of the building with Ruby on the end. He then holds out his hand and says “don’t argue, just come here.” He did this deliberately, making the only place Ruby can go without falling to his death be forward, toward Norman. Throughout their fight the question of “is Norman going to seriously hurt Ruby” keeps getting brought up. Gabby tries to stop them because she thinks they might kill each other if they keep fighting. And there’s that weird beat at the end of the fight where Norman stands over Ruby, who is unconscious, holding up a pokeball, and all the onlookers tense up thinking that he’ll hurt Ruby, but he’s stopped by the arrival of Winona and we never know what was going through his head.

His approval of his son never evolves past “I can’t stop you, so do what you want”, even in ORAS. Ruby clearly feels shame and wants his dad’s approval, but Norman continues to withhold it. All he gets is a speech about owning up to your actions. It really telling how Norman’s approval stopped as soon as Ruby became something he didn’t want him to be. Whether Ruby’s desire to pursue beauty was genuine or self-imposed is irrelevant, because Norman still refused to accept him and wanted him to change. Ruby’s arc in ORAS centers around his shame, and yet he still will never be good enough to win his over.

But even though he’s a bad father for it, Norman’s feelings toward Ruby are explainable. We can understand how anger problems combined with the events preceding RS would cause him to become what he did. And like Norman, Ruby’s choices are explainable but not exactly forgivable. While it’s true that Ruby’s selfishness was caused by the trauma of losing his only friend because he tried to save her, and while Ruby can’t be blamed for not knowing the things he wasn’t told, it’s undeniable that Ruby was a pretty shitty person in the beginning too. He still runs away from home despite knowing how much his mom wanted to spend time with her family, and leaves without even a note or the courtesy to attend his own birthday dinner. He feels guilty about it too, with how apologizes to her under his breath before he runs, but does it anyway, and plans on returning to Johto after winning the contests. He lies and refuses to help people, which culminates in him flat-out refusing to help save Hoenn, despite having the power to. Ruby isn’t evil, obviously, but he’s developed so many destructive coping mechanisms that it took the end of the world for him to start caring about people and get his act together.

At this point, Ruby’s relationship with his father is messy and possibly insalvagable. It’s a complicated web of reactions and metareactions to each other’s choices, going all the way back to how they both reacted to Norman leaving when Ruby was five. Neither of them is in the right, and the great thing about that is how nuanced it makes Ruby’s story. You can understand why he ran away from home while also recognizing that it was selfish. It paints Norman as an antagonizing element of Ruby’s life while also explaining why he did the things he did. It’s really cool how well the story threads this line. It’s one in a series of many things that makes Ruby extremely human.

#rs is my favorite piece of literature #ruby #rs #analysis tag

[dynamightmite]

321 thoughts

I love the ending of this chapter. I know there are people who are confused/disappointed that Iida was the one reaching out, but there are parallels between this and Bakugo’s and Ida’s rescues that are so genuinely sweet.

Ida was exactly the right person to reach out to Midoriya. It’s not that Bakugo doesn’t care enough, or that Midoriya doesn’t care about Bakugo enough, it’s that Ida gets exactly where Midoriya is coming from. He’s been enraged, and in pain, and terrified of dragging the people he cares about down with him on his own quest towards self-destruction. The same way that Kirishima was the one who needed to reach out to Bakugo because he understands Bakugo’s need to be strong. Because Kirishima was weak once and he’s regretted it ever since, so he has never once looked down on Bakugo for refusing to be/be perceived as weak. These two characters needed to be seen and understood, not just cared about. That’s why it needed to be Ida who held out his hand to Midoriya; he knows exactly what Midoriya’s going through. He also understands what Midoriya needs more than anything, which is a reminder of what it means to be a hero. The same way Ida needed that reminder when Midoriya and Shoto were defending him from Stain. Their friends telling them they care is all well and good, but who they are at their cores are heroes who have both gotten lost and have needed to be set back on track. Ida’s already been through this, he knows, and so it had to be him.

There’s also the underlying implication with the fact that neither Bakugo nor Midoriya were the ones to reach out that they aren’t ready yet, and that’s okay. They still need to talk; both of them need to say their piece, and Bakugo needs to apologize. Part of what I like so much about Bakugo and Midoriya’s relationship is that it it’s treated so... thoughtfully, throughout the story. Their evolution isn’t fast, or simple, or convenient. It’s messy and painful and they’re given so much time to move through the different stages of their complicated feelings for each other. I also appreciate that while their relationship is probably the most important one in the entire story, it isn’t overbearing. They both have other deep, meaningful relationships with different people that aren’t viewed as unimportant, narratively speaking. Despite how much they care for each other, sometimes who they really need is someone else, which is both healthy and actually very considerate? Their friendship has not always been good for either of them, and them to not being dependent on one another even as they grow closer is an overall good thing in my mind. 

#bnha 321 #bnha spoilers #mha 321 #ida tenya #deku #bakugo #kirishima #midoriya #meta #bnha 321 meta #bnha

[fabdante]

The Vergil and Kat Post

So um. This like idk essay, analysis, rant thing took took like five attempts to write because I would not stop rambling and it’s still like just barely five pages long. And that’s after I cut it down from like 11 pages.

The short version is: Kat and Vergil are really interesting and complex as we view their relationship usually from an outside perspective which leaves much up to interpretation. If you’ve been on my blog for a while you probably know the interpretation I have of them because I eat up tragedy like candy, but that’s not the only one. 

The (very) long version is beneath the cut. And unfortunately this time there are no pictures. There’s some analysis but also just a lot of rambling. If Kat and Vergil, in any form, are not your cup of tea, this is probably not a post for you which is chill!

I’m going to start with the end. Vergil’s Downfall.

Recap, when Vergil encounters Hollow Vergil in his personal trip to his personal hell and all, Hollow Vergil eventually asks ‘but what would you do if you had another chance’. Vergil doesn’t answer. But since he’s the player character, we get access to his thoughts. And we get a montage of Kat. At first one might think this is about how the plan went wrong. Vergil’s regretting the plan. Then it becomes increasingly more apparent the thread that ties all the scenes together isn’t the plan, isn’t the plans failings. It’s Kat. Not Dante and Kat. Not the plan. Just Kat. The scene ends with a scene from mission 2, a moment from the end of the only cutscene Vergil and the real Kat share alone. There’s this little moment that seems to exist to show how pretty Kat is.

This is his last thought. Not the plan. Not how Kat relates to the plan. Not how he mistreated Kat in service to the plan. It’s just Kat.

Act one of Vergil’s Downfall is all about Vergil and Kat. The whole things a reenactment, just somewhat twisted, of how they met. Kat in Limbo, in danger from a demon, and Vergil doing what he can to help. He doesn’t hesitate either. He hears Kat call for him, call for help, and he runs. Except in Downfall the threat is with them, something he can fight and slay head on. So he does. But everything is wrong now. ‘Kat’ berates him. She tells him what Vergil must think she’s thinking. That she feels used, that she thinks Dante’s better, and all that. And Vergil tries to explain, he tries to justify himself, even if this ‘Kat’ is not his Kat. He wants her to understand, though. Because she’s Kat after all.

He needs to hurt her to proceed, of course. But he can’t. He can’t until she turns into a physical monster. Not until this fake Kat becomes something entirely unKat can he actually hurt her and proceed.

The Hollows represent aspects of Vergil that he needs to kill to gain power, as well as his insecurities and the people he cares about and more. Kat represents his humanity. So I suppose, in a way, it’s not surprising that she’s the hardest for him to kill and the one who receives the least of his cruelty that we see later in the game. But, the point still remains. He faces Hollow Kat first. And he begs her to understand him, longs for things to go back in what way they can.

(Also, an aside, it’s interesting to think about how Kat is not only humanity, but Vergil’s humanity. The implication being that Kat in a sense grounds him. A foil to how inhuman Vergil is.)

Downfall takes the scraps that the game gives and gives them a revamped, strengthened context for Kat and Vergil and their true feelings and intentions. The first game doesn’t give us much and why should it? They are built in a show don’t tell philosophy because, well, Dante can’t tell us about Vergil and Kat. He can only see. So we only see. But Downfall, we are explicitly told that yes, Vergil cared for Kat. She is important. And she is his one regret.

So, Downfall proposes that Vergil genuinely cared for Kat. And the base game proposes that Kat genuinely cared for Vergil. And it’s hard for me not to talk ramble when I talk about them because there’s…a lot of little moments between them that I love, little things that I find interesting to pick apart and wonder about (and have over the past 8 years). I’m going to try not to do that, though. Try being the operative word (I have failed all five write ups preceding this one).

Kat is often described as naïve because of her relationship with Vergil. But I think this is an inaccurate description. We never see her blindly trust anyone in the game. She doesn’t trust Dante because she just believes in him. We know this because she’s immensely skeptical of him and if he’s going to be helpful up until after the succubus boss fight. And we know she’s skeptical of him because she questions Vergil about it and she remains skeptical, keeping Dante an arm’s length away. She is not naïve. She trusts Vergil because he’s earned that trust.

It’s hard not to see how he managed to do that. He helped her kill her foster father and escape a bad situation, but it’s what happened after that solidifies this deep connection between the two. Kat tells Dante how Vergil helped her afterwards while she coped with the trauma and it’s something she mentions more then once. Kat’s trust and loyalty to Vergil is because he’s earned it. Because he has seen her at her worst and did not run. He stayed. He helped her through it. And still he stays now. It’s easy to imagine this going both ways, that seeing Kat ‘raw’ as he says makes Vergil vulnerable right back.

Plus, Vergil compares Kat when he first met her to Dante (‘He’s raw. Just like you were when I found you.’).  I think one would be hard pressed to refer to reboot Dante, the one with self proclaimed trust issues, as naïve.

So, we have a relationship of deep trust between the two over what is implied to be a long time. The sort of trust and intimacy you get when someone sees all of you and knows all of you. At least, I think that’s Kat’s end. When it comes to Vergil…well, opinions are complicated.

There are the three options of how Vergil feels about Kat if we simplify it down. One, he was using her and this was all to use her and get the plan finished. Two, he was using her but grew to care for her over time. Three, he was never using her and this was all real. I’m three all the way but one and two aren’t really contradicted anymore than three is. Which is an issue when talking about Kat and Vergil and trying to be all inclusive but also concise. There’s no one answer. There are just different opinions on what the answer is.

For me, it’s hard to reconcile the idea that he did not care for her with what we see in Vergil’s Downfall. Or when we have moments like his genuine joy that she’s alive in the server room. It’s hard for me to reconcile the idea of Vergil using her this whole time when it feels like a lot of work to keep her at his side when she can’t even control her powers. It’s hard for me to reconcile the deep connection I see between them.

For other people, the opposite is hard. Seeing what happened in the server room, seeing Vergil write off Kat entirely, seeing him call her useful and referring to humans as subjects, cannot be reconciled with the idea that he genuinely cared for and about her. Or how one could get a very loyal side kick the way he goes about this, saving her and giving her a home and purpose and everything. It’s an easy way into getting a loyal assistant.

All that I can tell you is how I see it. And what I see is two people with a deep intimacy with each other. The relationship may be messy and complicated and not perfect, but that’s what I see. That’s not what everyone sees, and that’s ok. That’s just what I see and that’s what this post is about.

I think its notable to about how important this relationship is because Vergil actually gets like, jealous about it. I get side tracked for too long when I go on about this so, in keeping things short, we see Vergil in the background get frustrated with things Dante says to Kat (namely the ‘I like it rough’) and we see him get kind of jealous in the game. But we really see it in Downfall. And sure, there are things he’s jealous about that pertain to Dante that aren’t Kat related. But there are things that do relate to that. We mostly see this, again, with Hollow Kat. She pisses him off when she mentions Dante being a real man. There’s of course stoking at Vergil’s insecurities since he’s lost to his twin and he already seems to feel envious about how easy things are for Dante and everything. But there’s also the fact it’s Kat saying it. It’s Kat who’s telling him she prefers Dante. That stings Vergil, this idea Kat cares about Dante more than him.

Part of this I think is from the fear that Kat will run off to Dante because of their similar backgrounds. They both have similar childhoods, something Vergil didn’t experience. Which, going back to what I said, a person who must pride himself on how well he knows Kat (and how well she knows him) must find that kind of threatening. 

There’s this scene added in the Definitive Edition. Before that we were left to assume Kat wandered the tower and that’s how she mapped it for the twins, but the Definitive Edition makes it clear canon. This makes the scene where Mundus records himself with Kat as a threat to the twins the only time we see Kat out of body in the game. During this experience, she assumedly betrays Vergil’s name to Mundus. Before the Definitive Edition scene, I always just kind of wrote off that moment. Kat’s under extreme duress, she’s just saying whatever at this point. I thought this for years after, to.

But then one day, after replaying the game for the umpteenth time, a thought came into my head. She’s out of body, in Limbo, surrounded by demons. She says his name because Kat is looking for him. She say’s his name because despite what happened in the server room, she still trusts Vergil. She doesn’t say Dante’s name, she doesn’t call for anyone else. She calls for Vergil. Because who else would she call for if not Vergil, the person she’s closest to and the person who saved her before?

It’s this sort of thing that makes the betrayal hurt as badly as it does for well, everyone. Us, Kat, Vergil, Dante. But focusing on Kat and Vergil, it’s the trust. It’s this deep bond between the two of them that’s suddenly shattered. What do you do when this person you think you know so well doesn’t do what you expect? When they do the exact opposite, actually? When they suddenly don’t understand you at all? It’s such a foundational relationship for the two of them to, it’s earth shattering to go from knowing a person so truly and deeply to looking at a stranger. This is all kinda true for Vergil who must have expected Kat to understand even if he may have thought she’d get upset. But this is all extremely true for Kat

It’s kind of a double sided betrayal. While I’m not really going to say Kat betrayed Vergil, because she didn’t she stayed true to her word and what she thought they were fighting for and everything, Vergil feels betrayed to, just like Kat and Dante. And oh does Kat feel betrayed. One of my favorite like, animation, character moments is like the pure disbelief, anguish and betrayal on Kat’s face at the betrayal it’s so well done. Like even the little look she does out over the city then back to Vergil like it’s just its good but not important back to topic. Kat thought they were fighting to free humanity. And Vergil seems to truly think this is for the best, if humanity is under his rule.

While one can argue Vergil’s goal was power, I feel like Vergil’s goal was the same he had from the start. Vergil wanted to free humans. He’s not even wrong, really. If Dante and Vergil do not put someone on the throne to replace Mundus, a new demon will take his place. Without someone controlling the demons, the demons will wreck havoc uncontrolled. However his wording could use some work. That said do I think Vergil is susceptible to power corrupting him. Absolute power corrupts absolutely sort of deal. I feel like him and Dante are similar in this regard, neither I think is quite equipped to rule with the amount of power that Vergil proposes they get. I also think Vergil didn’t think he’d get to this part, I don’t think he really thought about what happens after Mundus. Not the specifics. He ended up with this conclusion later in the game, and as a result never floated it by anyone. And to be fair, no one asked.

Kat always seems so full of hope at the end, right after she get’s Dante to stop killing Vergil and everything. She’s got these big Kat eyes, like she expects now things will go back. Vergil will say this was a joke and he’ll come back and things will be normal and she will have her best friend and the world will be safe. But that’s not what happens. Vergil leaves, of course (not after him and Kat have a long extended stare where they must be wondering mutually if the other will change their mind, if she will follow or he will stay). The whole ending in general from start to finish we get a lot with Kat and Vergil subtext. How she manages to get him to listen for a moment, even if Dante ends up getting him too angry to listen by the end. How Kat goes out on a limb to save Vergil, even if she didn’t have to.

She must be wondering, to, how real it all was. Dante’s answer I think is that it wasn’t. From what he saw, from his limited scope, it wasn’t. He cannot reconcile it, and why should he? He was thrown into their lives and resistance group with no context and he ends with little more. But Kat’s left wondering, and Vergil’s left regretting, and I’m left lamenting about the very large lack of post game Vergil/Kat content. 

I don’t know. I could keep going. At just over four Microsoft Word pages, this is the shortest attempt I’ve made at this. And I will surely write up some more analysis on them, I didn’t even get to talk about fun stuff like Kat’s theme (or the comics but I left those out on purpose I have…complicated opinions on the comic), or like more about the whole divine/human angle here. I could keep going on and on and on like analyze every little microsecond and sound like this:

Which, to clarify, I will 100 percent do if prompted lmao. But I guess the short of it is, in my biased opinion, I think Kat and Vergil are in love. I think it was real. I think Vergil found her and he helped her because she needed help. I think they know each other better than anyone else. I think some things may have gotten muddled in the mists of being in a rebellion and saving the world and that rebellion was their priority. I think going into the DmC: Devil May Cry post game must be complicated for them, unable to let go of the other but unable to come back. It’s the sort of complicated relationship and tragedy I find fun to write and to read. That’s how I see it, anyway.

Also I mean idk if we are to believe Vergil’s bigger dick comment as truth, who else saw both Dante and Vergil’s dicks? Who except Kat? Who else had this info? Who else would Vergil believe? Just saying. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.  

(edit: also I spelled hollow wrong like multiple times in this essay forgive me it should be fixed now lmao)

#dmc devil may cry #dmc reboot #devil may cry reboot #vergil/kat #vergilxkat #fab talks meta #can you tell i started a really long fan fic about kat and vergil that i never finished or posted #because thats 100 percent what i did they live rent free in my brain 24/7 #long post

[ryoryeonggu]

Okay, I’ve just finished 13 reasons why in one day. Despite everything people else have to say, I love it ♥♥♥  I love it so much ♥♥♥ I had planned to finish it as soon as possible, but when it’s truly over, my heart’s really crushing because from now on, I have to let it go forever :( I will miss this show so much along with all the characters (even those ones I once hated so much like Bryce and Monty)

Let me talk about a few thing I love and also leave me heartbroken in this season:

First of all, Clay. Ofc, people tend to say he’s annoying, but I really love him, knowing all of his flaws and his mistakes. He’s sometimes aggressive, he’s sometimes too controlling and overreacting and has hero complex. He’s an idiot. But all I have seen is a boy who cares too much about the others and it finally breaks and destroys him. He always is the one who protects, the one taking care of others, so when of course, he also had his own problems, he had his own issues, so people tended to not likely notice that or help him like the way he helped them because he’s supposed to be strong one, and he also wanted to be strong for his friends so he rarely let it out. And don’t forget he’s having very serious mental illness (I don’t believe that’s only depression and anxiety, it could be also schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder, since he has illusion of Hannah way before Monty and Bryce “ghosts” tortured him). And not only his friends and his family hardly recognized his issues, a lot of people in fandom kinda are ignoring it as well. Despite how he acted or what he had done was right or wrong, he had tried and done a lot of people, like not for him, a lot of people would have ended up dead or worse. Because of Clay and his courage, Tyler would have become a school shooter and suicide, the rape case of Hannah and Jessica would have remained in silence, Justin would never have found a home and been happy and had a chance to become a better person, Alex would have killed himself again out of guilt… and the most important thing, they wouldn’t been friends and stayed strong together like the ending. So, to me, Clay is still the greatest friend that no one could ever be and I adore him with all my heart. And I can see myself in him: a kid with anxiety and depression that love living with fantasies, trying so hard to be strong, to be a good person and a good friend, and thinking that I could never love anyone and no one could ever love me back.

Then Alex. My favorite of my favorite character in this show. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything good happened to him in this season. But turns out, it was even so much better that what I had been imagining. He’s still sad and depressing, he still thought low of himself and blamed himself for everything, thought he was not good enough. But he found love, and was happy. And they really make him BI! Like, I was hoping it but I never thought they would really do it. And he kissed three guys, and I ship it all lol.

About Zalex, honestly, I never really shipped it until season 4 came out. From what I saw, I believe Alex did have real feelings for Zach and this kiss really meant something, for both of them. The way Zach didn’t pull away from the kiss, the way he asked Winston that if he really was in love with Alex or what he saw in him (like a jealous idiot), the way he corrected Alex right away (in front of Alex’s BOYFRIEND lol) that that kiss wasn’t a disaster at all, his sad look watching Alex and Charlie holding hands, yeah, not mention “why are you with me but not with Charlie?”. So from all of that, I don’t think that feeling was only one-sided. But like everything else happened in Zach’s life, when his life got shit, especially when it came to love, Zach tended to be a coward and did everything to hide from his own feeling and his complicated situation. Like in this season, the way he used alcohols and casually having sex – not giving a shit about anything like the way to hide from his problems, instead of actually dealing with the problems. Like he lose Hannah because of it. And now he also lost the chance to be with Alex. I think in the end, he did realize that he had feelings with Alex too, but it was way too late. And I also believe that Alex will always love him, like the way he also love Charlie. You can love both, if you believe or not.

A lot of people say that if Alex had been there and had helped Zach like the Zach had done to him in season 2, Zalex could have been ended up with each other and had been endgame. But, no, I don’t think it will. Alex chose to be with Charlie is the best and realistic choice, because Charlie was good for him. Yeah, Zach was depressed with trauma, in the deepest ship of his life and he needed helps, ofc, but so did Alex. Don’t forget Alex in this season wasn’t in the better situation to help anyone, he murdered someone and blamed himself so much for everything was happening, and he was also really self-loathing like Zach was. So he needed someone, like Charlie, someone’s positive, confident and had healthy energy, someone who made him feel he was loved, he was taken care of, and someone would be able to remind him everyday that he’s worth being loved and deserved all the happiness in the world. Not a mirror to see how fucked up and destructive he was like Zach. All Alex’s life problems was trying to be tough, to be man up to be able to take care of and be with a girl; and with Charlie, he didn’t have to do it anymore. He was safe, he was loved, and he was happy. Alex loved Zach, but sometimes, love isn’t the answer. Sometimes you have to choose what’s good for you, so despite it wasn’t built up as deep as Zalex, the relationship between Alex and Charlie was still one of the best relationships in the show and I love it. Alex and Zach clearly was in love with each other, but they just miss the right time and now it’s only regrets. And moreover, even also in the messy shit of his own head, except the coach and sometimes Charlie, Alex was the only one who tried to help Zach and never gave up on him. In fact, those words from Alex about how he helped him and made him feel safe was one of the major effects that brought Zach back to life. 

The same goes with Winston and Alex, another “what we could have been but it was too late”, they just met in the wrong time and the wrong circumstance then lost each other forever. But I do believe that their feelings was genuine, even it’s only for some short of time (at least from Winston, since he dropped his revenge which he was obsessed with the entire time all just for Alex, how sweet).

And Justin!!! OMG Justin!!! My heart really ached so much with all the scenes he’s in hospital. Not only because Clay lost a brother, another important person in his life, their group lost a very good friend, but also the most hurting part, that he could have gone to the college, he could have had a future, he could finally have had a good life, but then it was completely wrecked in one go (especially right in the moment he was finally happy and had everything that he had ever wanted). I almost cried when he said he’s scared (we should have known since the show dropped a number of time Justin kept saying he wanted to be live, how fucked up and depressing it is) and wanted Clay to hold his hand. Even Clay acting like a dick and pushing Justin away a lot, the bromance between them was still the best and the most memorable one (and now thinking about it only wanted me to punch my chest so hard and cried). Life is fucking not fair and he definitely deserves so much better.

And finally Ani. She actually grew on me in this season since the last season she annoyed me so much. I like how she finally admitted that she was wrong when he slept with Bryce and finally apologized to Jessica about it (which really made it up to the whole shitty storyline of her in the previous season). I love how Clay and her finally broke up and admitted to each other that they were not fit and weren’t ready to be in any relationship (f**k thanks god, finally, because they was never fit, like at all). And I also like the way she always got Jessica’s back and was there for her everytime (I even almost ship them with the scene Ani asked Jess to go to Prom with her, it’s so adorable ♥♥♥)

And I love Tony, I love Tyler, I love Jess... basically I love everyone ♥ ♥ ♥

Okay “my thumbs got tired”. I would probably write another essay about what I love about this series, someday, probably.

#13 reasons why #13rw #13reasonswhy #clay jensen #Alex Standall #justin foley #ani achola #winston williams #charlie st. george #zalex #alex x winston #charlie x alex #alex x charlie #winston x alex #sorry i don't know what the fuck the other ships's name so I just let it that way #zach dempsey

[thetypedwriter]

A Curse So Dark and Lonely Book Review

A Curse So Dark and Lonely Book Review by Brigid Kemmerer

My gosh, I feel like I have enormous feelings about this book. 

So, I had seen this book for awhile bestow the shelves at Barnes & Noble and while it drew the eye, it also didn’t entice me right away. I must have read snippets of the backside summary a dozen times before I finally succumbed and purchased it when the store was having a buy one, get one 50% off deal. 

Lame, I know. 

That being said, A Curse So Dark and Lonely surprised me in a lot of pleasant ways and at the end of the experience it was a book I genuinely enjoyed reading, despite the flaws throughout. 

First off, somehow, in ways that I don’t even fully understand, I did not realize that this was a retelling of Beauty and the Beast. 

You might ask, seeing the title, the reviews on the back literally calling it a retelling of a classic fairytale, the summary itself, and the basic premise, how did I not realize what the true nature of this book was?

I genuinely have no idea. 

I really don’t. 

It’s so flabbergasting that I don’t even have a proper answer for you other than Beauty and the Beast was not my favorite Disney movie growing up and that I probably should have spent more time checking out what bargain books to buy before I laid down the cash. 

Oh well.

That being said, retellings of classic fairy tales has been a fairly popular phenomenon in the YA literature scene (and popular culture as a whole, really) for the last couple of years and while I can see the appeal, it was never something that beckoned me. 

I’m not a huge fairytale fan to begin with so a retelling of the original doesn’t hold much sway in terms of intrigue and buy-in. 

If I had known what A Curse So Dark and Lonely truly was, I never would have bought it. Frankly, it’s a little sad because I genuinely would have missed out on a very fun and engaging read. Fortunately enough, however, my dumb actions actually paid off in good luck this time around. 

The whole premise is exactly what you’ve probably surmised up to this point: an enumeration of Beauty and the Beast with some modern fanfare and twists and turns along the way. 

Rhen is the current Crown Prince of Emberall, a country in some parallel world to the one that you and I currently exist in. With a series of twists, the main protagonist, Harper, is unwillingly hoisted from her homeland of Washington D.C. to the magical world of Emberfall, which unfortunately is not all that magical with a looming war on the horizon involving a neighboring nation, rumors of a savage beast that has wreaked havoc on the country, and a wicked witch that delights in torment and carnage to sadistic glee.  

Soon enough, a high school dropout with cerebral palsy soon finds herself in the imaginary role as the Princess of Disi, an allying nation that has promised aid and troops to Emberfall and potentially betrothed to the Crown Prince, Rhen. 

To make matters more complicated, Harper finds herself often in the company of Grey, the lone soldier of the Royal Guard and Rhen’s constant shadow, a figure she soon begins to trust despite herself. 

With a war on the horizon, the ever-present threat of the witch Lillith, the haunting promise of the beast’s return, and evolving feelings, A Curse So Dark and Lonely is a lovely concoction of both fast-paced action, romance, humor, and fantasy. This whole book gave me a pleasant buzz from start to finish. 

The plot itself, while recycled at its core, is fresh enough with the modern flare of Harper being from D.C. (Disi-this still makes me laugh), representation in the form of a character with a disability like cerebral palsy, interesting and complex relationships, and opposing enough with the threat of Lillith and future battles that it never seemed pithy or banal. 

While the world building is...mediocre, I don’t think it was amazing nor do I think it’s awful, it’s a useful enough background for the characters and their emotions to take place, which honestly is the real focus throughout the entire novel (although the author did take some liberties by inputting in things like the castle automatically regenerating food-how much more deus ex machina can you get?). 

  Kemmerer’s writing style is also fine. Nothing groundbreaking, but also not writing I find abhorrent or even unlikeable. She comes across as a typical YA author to me in terms of her vocabulary, her figurative language, and her writing style. 

The real focus, if you haven’t caught on by now, are the characters. 

I genuinely like all three main characters quite a bit, which, if you regularly read my reviews, is quite the anomaly. 

Rhen I find to be strangely complex. While he fits the mold of the brooding, arrogant prince that actually cares deeply for his people and his country quite well, I also found him more interesting than just the archetype of the royal son. 

He’s surly, dark, and quite temperamental. While he does care deeply about his people, he’s often selfish and petty. Honestly, he shouldn’t be very likable at all, but it’s for that reason alone that I do like him. 

I like that while he might be a good ruler he’s not necessarily a good person and I like the dichotomy and the conflict that implicitly comes with that struggle, a struggle often shown to the readers and the two other characters he’s closest with: Harper and Grey. 

In addition, often in YA I feel like authors constantly feel pressured to make romantic love interests “perfect” which to me, translates to being stereotypical and boring. Very often my favorite characters are the ones who are flawed and complicated-just like Rhen. 

Grey is also a character that I thought would be more simple than he actually turned out to be. I originally thought Grey was going to be the stoic, soldier type and while he is, I also really enjoyed seeing his lighter side, his sense of humor, his love for children, and the deadly loyalty that binds him not because of a curse or a spell, but because of his own stubbornness and dedication to the decision that he made and the refusal to break it.

I found this honor code fascinating and his adherence to it almost obsessive. His loyalty to Rhen is both baffling and intriguing and often it was the best part of the novel for me. 

Which brings me to my next point: Rhen and Grey’s relationship is hand’s down the best part of this book. It’s a complicated relationship and, therefore, really fascinating to read about it. They have a serpentine history involving Grey being the one to let Lillith into Rhen’s chambers which sets off the whole curse business in the first place. 

However, as Rhen says later on in the book, it was his choice to keep Lillith overnight and to pursue romance, not Grey’s. 

There is guilt, blame, affection, loyalty, ownership, friendship, frustration, anger, sacrifice and more to their relationship. Their history stops them from being true friends, as do their roles as prince and guard, yet they are the only companion the other has for seasons upon seasons. 

At the end of the day, Grey is all Rhen had for a very long time and it shows. 

Their relationship was always so engrossing to read about due to its complications and its nuances. Very few YA relationships, especially that of platonic male friendship, gets even near the level of depth and grey (I couldn’t help this pun) area shown between Grey and Rhen. Their relationship alone is a huge draw for why I found this novel so captivating. 

I did wonder for a while if perhaps there were more than platonic feelings involved, but I could never quite put my finger on the true nature of their relationship or their feelings towards each other, which I find absolutely amazing. Their relationship is messy and complicated, just like real life relationships are. 

That leaves the third piece of the puzzle: Harper. 

Out of the three main characters, I like Harper the least, but I do still like her. I like that she’s strong and tenacious, not in spite of her cerebral palsy, but in addition to her already present bravery and ferocity. She’s headstrong, stubborn, kind, merciful, and compassionate. 

My dislike from Harper stems from the fact that she’s a little too perfect, especially compared to Rhen and Grey, who I found to be much more convoluted characters. 

Again, harping (hahah) back to stereotypical YA, other than her cerebral palsy, I don’t think there’s anything in particular about Harper that makes her complicated, flawed, or especially interesting. 

She’s a good girl willing to give it all up for a country she’s only known for a few weeks even though her mother’s dying at home and her brother is most likely involved in some kind of gang violence. 

The best scenes with Harper are the scenes were she is struggling to choose between the two worlds and weighing her options, as at some points it does depict her as selfish and wanting to go home, even though she knows it would doom thousands of people. 

But of course, this is all taken care of later when she realizes D.C. isn’t her true home any more and that Emberfall has become where her heart lies. 

Lame. 

Kemmerer made Harper just a little too pristine for my liking, which is why she ranks lower than both Rhen and Grey when on paper she is by far the best in terms of personality and character traits. 

This especially grates on me when Kemmerer tells us that Harper is fantastic instead of letting us glean that for ourselves. I really dislike when an author tells me instead of shows me that someone is brave or kind or amazing or whatnot and I feel like there were enough instances of Harper being all of those things without having needed Rhen or Grey to point it out all of the time. 

I also do feel like there is some weird shaming regarding things typically seen as “feminine” in relation to Harper and why that makes her “better.” For example, Rhen talks often about how no girl ever has ever done what Harper has done, like attacking him. 

I’m sorry? You’re telling me that Grey has kidnapped hundreds of girls and not one of them before Harper tried to attack them? In any form? Really? 

I find that preposterous. 

Other instances of Harper being unique in this fashion is also sprinkled in, like how most girls apparently only care about the dresses and the jewels in the castle, but not Harper. Or how most girls would be crying from a scar on their cheek, but Harper is just upset that she misses her target.

 I get what Kemmerer is going for, but these force-fed characterizations really bothered me and were the most irritating thing about the book. 

Being feminine or caring about stereotypically feminine things like jewelry or dresses does not mean that someone can’t also be strong and brave and fierce. I dislike a lot of the subliminal messages in the novel in regards to that. 

In terms of romance, again I have to ask myself when the trope of the love triangle will die. Perhaps it never will. Perhaps it will live on for eternity, forever immortal and present in nearly 90% of YA literature. 

The love triangle between Grey, Rhen, and Harper doesn’t bother me so much in this novel as I feel like it isn’t truly focused on very much, which I appreciate. I understand that Harper has feelings for both Grey and Rhen, but her feelings make sense. I don’t feel like Kemmerer is just foisting a love triangle onto the readers for the sake of having a love triangle. 

It felt somehow...natural. 

In addition, most love triangles suck as they’re very one sided, usually in terms of the female’s POV. 

In this case however, the love triangle is influenced by Grey and Rhen’s relationship, where the lines are very blurry and for a good portion of the book I thought perhaps they were in love with each other and Harper. 

Frankly, I would have been ecstatic if this was the route Kemmerer had taken. Not many YA authors go down this route, but examples like Mark/Cristina/Keiran from The Infernal Devices and Niall/Irial/Leslie from Ink Exchange are actually the only examples I know from YA literature so this would have been so welcome and anticipated. 

If Kemmerer had gone down the route of looking into a polyamorous relationship I would have been over the moon. I don’t think she is sadly, but polyamrous relationships are still so few and far between in YA that it would have been utterly captivating, especially as she has all the ingredients to do so. 

Or, I thought she did. 

Until it’s revealed at the very end that Rhen and Grey are brothers. Or, at least half-brothers. 

Yeah. 

It’s super unfortunate. 

I’m genuinely disappointed that this is the route Kemmerer decided to take it as it seems so grossly safe. It’s almost like an intense male/male relationship can’t exist unless it’s romantic or they’re brothers and I despise that. 

Hence, why I have also decided that I won’t be reading A Heart so Fierce and Broken. I want to keep the memory and the interesting relationships between the three characters as it is: interesting.

 I have a very strong feeling that if I read the sequel that will all be shattered. 

When all is said and done, I really enjoyed this book. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to reading it and I wasn’t expecting very much, but it met all of my expectations and more. 

I am sad that I won’t be finishing the series as a whole, but I know that the direction it's going will only make me frustrated and annoyed and I would rather preserve the positive emotions attached to A Curse So Dark and Lonely than ruin it with a sequel that I know won’t meet the expectations I have. 

Perhaps that’s unfair to say, and rightly so, but I know myself and I can see where the sequel is going and I’m almost certain that I won’t like it. 

So in this case, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and savor the moments I had reading this novel in all its fairy-telling glory. 

Recommendation: If you love Beauty and the Beast, fairytales with a modern twist, interesting characters and interesting relationships set in a fantasy world where the music never stops playing and a savage beast runs rampant, than this book is calling for you.

 I didn’t know that I needed this novel in my life and now I’m so glad that it is. Captivating from beginning to end, if you’re anything like me and a sucker for interesting romance and strong, nuanced characters you won’t be able to put this down either. 

Score: 7/10 

#a curse so dark and lonely #a heart so fierce and broken #brigid kemmerer #popular fiction #Popular Books #teen books #Teen Romance #teen fiction #book review #book blog #Book Recommendations #book rec #ya fiction #YA Book Review #ya book rec #book blogger

[randomoranges]

here we go folks, after a whole dang month working on this beast it is OVER.

33 pages and nearly 20k words later it’s DONE. idk what to do with my time now [lol what a joke] but here we go.

as they say in the vernac’ attache ta tuque a’c d’la broche à foin.

The Five Times Étienne Fell in Love

PART V

 “You know we don’t have to do this,” He says. He knows this story. It’s their story after all and thankfully, he at least knows it has a better ending, but he’s not sure he wants to hear what Étienne has to say about him.

 “We absolutely do, Murphy; you’re the one who brought this whole thing up.” Étienne teases softly and Edward groans, because, he has and he may as well grin and bear it.

 Edward makes the mistake of turning his head a fraction and catches the last of the saddest of smiles on his friend’s face. He does his best to ignore the swooping sensation in his stomach and focuses on the bird song for a moment instead. They’ve talked over some of the finer points over the last few years. There’s no need to rehash all of it just now. Yet, he’d been the one to open the proverbial door to Pandora’s box and he supposes it is only fair to listen to whatever else it is Étienne has to tell him.

 “Promise it’ll be a good ending.” Étienne ads and that at least makes him crack a smile.

 “It better,” He says and jabs Étienne’s sides gently with his elbow.

 “I still remember the day you showed up on a freaking canoe during Expo. I thought that was the most badass and coolest thing ever. I couldn’t believe it! I remember I kept on telling people that the guy on the canoe? He’s my really good friend! And I was also so psyched to see you!” He laughs and something warm settles in Edward’s stomach.

 Expo had been one of the craziest things he’d ever witnessed in a long time and he’s glad he’d been able to participate, in some way. He does remember Étienne’s look of pure shock and amazement when he’d been there to welcome them and somehow or other, despite Étienne being more than busy during the event, he still managed to find a few spare moments to catch up with him. Plus, at the time, they didn’t see each other as often, so it had really been something for Étienne to take the time to hang out with him, even if it was while they went from one pavilion to the next.

 “I always thought you were attractive, a sentiment that only grew stronger the more we saw each other throughout the twentieth century. I obviously wasn’t going to do anything – not unless you wanted me to, since you were my friend and even if you were into men, it didn’t mean you’d want to be with me.” Despite knowing this, Edward still finds his cheeks heating up at the words and he wonders if he’ll ever get used to the idea that Étienne still thinks of him as someone attractive and handsome. He likes hearing the compliments, even if he flushes furiously.  

 “Then you came to me – when we started reconnecting – and said that you needed an escapism. I could do that. I was more than happy to provide one, especially the kind you were looking for. At that time, I was done, really, with love. Especially with humans. It was too hard, too complicated, too messy and it hurt too damned much. I still wasn’t over Koffey and I vowed that it would never happen again. I had tried. Love just didn’t come as naturally to me as it did to others. It was fine. But I wasn’t about to get that close to humans anymore. Let my guard down and have these feelings creep up on me after months or years. Fuck that shit.”

 “You know,” Edward interrupts, “You could have told me about Koffey at the time.”

 Étienne lets out a bark of a laugh and looks at Edward with a quirk of his eyebrows. “Really? And told you what exactly? P.S., in case I seem more than off, it’s ‘cause the man I loved has just died and I think I’m at fault. Don’t mind me, I’m still reeling from that. Oh, and also from every shitty thing that’s happened in the last ten years, but hey, nice to see you, how’s it been?”

 Edward supposes he has a point. It’s not as if he’d given any information of what had happened to him in the last decade right off the bat either. Retrospectively, however, he would have liked to know. He’s not sure what he would have done, but he knows he wouldn’t have laughed in his friend’s face. Not then and not ever.  

 “Anyways, you wanted sex. You wanted experiences. You wanted to go out and get fucked up. And I wanted that as well. I still needed that as well. It was easy to bring you those things. It was easier still to show you how it was done. You were a very willing student and who was I to deny you? You were the perfect distraction I needed and on top of that, you were my friend.”

 “As the saying goes; misery does love company.” Edward offers.

 Étienne looks at him and laughs. It’s good that, if anything else, they can more or less laugh about it now.  That there are enough better days between those times and now. They’ve grown, changed and gotten better. Found better coping mechanisms.

 “Plus, It helped that you’re like me – that you wouldn’t die on me no matter the drugs, no matter what we did or didn’t do. It felt like – being alive. Somehow. I didn’t have to hide anything with you. We could do what we wanted and see how far our limits would take us. It was liberating – in all its messed up ways. And I knew that no matter how many blackouts we had, no matter what it was we took, I wouldn’t lose you and I didn’t have to explain anything to you. Come the following day, you’d be alive. And that was – a relief.”

 Edward takes a moment to think back to those early years as well. He’d been coming out of his own bad place and Étienne had been a – breath of fresh air, in a way. Despite the abuse of drugs and sex and everything else that had come with it, it had been liberating. He’d felt – free somehow even if he realises now that neither of them had been in a good place at the time either.

 But going off to find Étienne had been his own way to rebel. The parties had been his own way of dealing with things at the time and his way of existing. For once, he felt like he could be some part of himself. That he had control over his own narrative. He may have gone the wrong way about it, but Étienne had been his own anchor, however unsteady he had been. Étienne had been a friend when it had felt like he had no others and someone who’d expanded his horizons. He’d been his point of reference and he’d returned to the proverbial well of knowledge willingly.

 In a way, they’d found each other; from one fucked up mind to another. They’d relied on each other and had turned on each other as well.

 Yet, despite what had happened, he doesn’t regret those years. He’d learned a lot from them and in a way, it had been the cataclysm to getting closer to Étienne.

 “I never expected to fall for you. That wasn’t my plan. I was still mourning Koffey and you were my friend. At a time when it felt like I had very few of those, the last thing I wanted to do was make things complicated by falling for you. Plus, who was to say you would love someone like me? You deserved someone who’d make you happy and who could help you heal.”

 Edward opens his mouth to argue the point. In his opinion, Étienne was a very good candidate to help him – more so now than before, but still. However, Étienne shakes his head and so he keeps the thought to himself and lets him proceed.

 “You could have genuinely just thought of me as a friend only,” He counters and Edward quiets down – he has a point. “My other fear was that you would fall for me, and I wouldn’t and that you wouldn’t understand. There’d been too many people who’d gone down that path and it always ended in another ended relationship. I feared that even if I liked you, I wouldn’t develop those romantic feelings and that it would break your heart and end our friendship. I couldn’t have that. I always valued our friendship above all else.”

 Edward wonders, not for the first time, just how many other people had entered and left Étienne’s life just because he was different. It hurt and angered him to know that so many had potentially missed out on a wonderful relationship – be it friendly or otherwise, just because he worked differently. It was their loss, really, but he hated that Étienne had had to suffer because of it.

 “So I told you. Not to expect a relationship. Not to expect a romantic liaison out of it. That we were just friends having a good time. And it worked. At least, it did at first. For many years it worked. I enjoyed the time we spent together, the benders, the drugs, the parties and the sex. I liked being around you. I liked making you discover new things. I liked having you around.”

 “And then I went ahead and fell in love with you.” He says with the most dramatic of sighs. Étienne spares him a glance and they give each other a look before laughing. It’s such a ridiculous story, yet it’s their story and it makes it that much more special.

 “If it makes you feel any better, I went ahead and fell for you as well. So I guess we both didn’t heed your warning.” Edward gives Étienne’s hand a small squeeze and he smiles softly when his boyfriend laces their fingers together.

 “Yeah, I guess it turned out alright.” He pulls him in for a one-armed hug and Edward nuzzles his face in the crook of Étienne’s neck. They stay that way for a moment, enjoying the possibility and the fact that they’re back here together and even though Edward knows how the first chapter of their relationship ended, he at least knows that they make it back together.

 “It took me a while to realise that I was in love with you,” Étienne tells him gently, “But the signs were there. Those stupid signs Samuel had told me about a million years ago were all there. I felt like such a tool too – that I hadn’t realised it sooner and that of all the things my brother had told me – these were the ones I was going for.”

 “Every time you’d call, I’d feel giddy. Hell, every time the phone rang, and I was expecting your call, I’d run for it, not wanting to miss the call, hoping it was you. I remember walking around in my living room, twisting the telephone cord around my fingers, an excited mess when you’d tell me you were coming back.”

 Edward grins, imagining Étienne doing those things. It’s cute and endearing even and if he holds him a little closer, his boyfriend doesn’t comment on it.

 “I looked forward to all our chats. I couldn’t wait to see you again. I’d even count down the days. I felt – butterflies in my stomach when I would finally see you again. Every time, without fault, I’d just want to scoop you in my arms and hold you close.”

 “For your information, that’s exactly what you’ve always done, sweetheart.” He teases gently. He doesn’t remember Étienne not launching himself at him when he greets him at the airport. He likes it, deep down, even if it’s a little loud and very open – but it’s also so very Étienne and that takes precedence.

 Étienne looks down to him and rolls his eyes, but it’s fond and has no bite. “I know – that’s just the thing, I thought it was normal. We were friends after all. Of course, I was excited to see you. I still do all of those things and I still count down the days to our next visit and I still get those damned butterflies in my stomach when you call or text me or when we see each other. It never fucking stopped – and, well I don’t want it to stop…”

 He trails off for a moment and when Edward looks up at him, he’s happy to see that Étienne’s cheeks have coloured just the same as his.

 “If it makes you feel better, I feel the same way, you know.”

 Étienne presses a soft kiss to the top of his head, “Yeah, I know…”

 At the time, Edward had obviously known that Étienne – liked him, as a friend, but he’d never even started to think that he could like him beyond that, or even love him. If past him could have gotten a glimpse of this very scene, he’s sure the poor fellow would have passed out cold or convinced himself it was some drug induced fantasy worthy of the greatest production of his mind theatre.

 “But then it went beyond that, as if that wasn’t enough. It was the longing to hear your voice; wanting to snuggle up to you. A swooping feeling when you’d kiss me. I wanted to sit and just – spend time with you. Make you laugh. Spend the day together doing nothing. It was less about the drugs and the getting fucked up and more about you – being with you. Wanting to be with you.”  

 “It honest to goodness freaked me out. It felt wrong and stupid to tell you, oh by the way, guess what, I love you, d’you think we can make this work when I specifically told you not to expect a relationship?” He scoffs, annoyed. “Wish I had now.”

 “Hey, you can’t feel sorry for yourself. We’re both to blame. I could have easily done something as well and I didn’t.”

 “Yeah, but, you were going with what I told you. How were you supposed to know?”

 “I could have been bigger about it. Or even told you and laugh it off. The point is, we both didn’t do anything about it and I don’t want you to think that you’re alone in the blame.”

 Étienne lets the issue slide for the moment. He doesn’t want to argue with Edward about this, even though he feels like the bigger part of the blame rests with him. “Still, this was the last thing I wanted to happen yet, there I was completely in love with you, and I had no way of knowing if you felt the same, nor did I want to put you in that spot. In case I did decide to tell you, I didn’t want it to be some big awkward thing. Plus, there was still so much going on for both of us – at least, I know I wasn’t any better; not mentally. Not in the long-term way, anyways. And you weren’t even out to anyone back home.”

 They’ve spoken about that issue in particular. About why Étienne had kept on pestering him about it over the years. It made some sort of sense now that he knew, but at the time, it had annoyed Edward that his friend was so adamant about it. It still didn’t make it okay, but Edward had forgiven Étienne for it – they were beyond that now. (The real question was whether or not Étienne had forgiven himself.)  

 “Yet, the more time went by, the more my feelings for you grew and the more I wanted to try to – be a couple. Be together. Officially and really. I figured if you’d tell me something first – if you gave me a sign that this wasn’t all some construction I’d made in my head, I’d take the plunge – but you never did. And I never gave you an occasion to either. So the proverbial joke was on me.”

 Edward gives Étienne’s hand a squeeze. They’d both been in bad places at the time. He doesn���t regret the step back he had taken from Étienne, for it had given him the space and place to figure himself out and grow, but he had missed him something fierce. It would have been nice to have both at the time; the boyfriend and the coming into himself. He hadn’t exactly been a fan of feeling as though everyone had abandoned him and that he was alone. It would have been nice to welcome the change of the millennium with friends and a boyfriend. But, everything happened for a reason he supposes, even if he doesn’t like said reason. And at least, somehow, things had gotten better over time. It’s already much more than many people unfortunately ever get.

 “There were so many times when I nearly told you. Times when I felt you felt the same. Times when things were good. But every time, I didn’t want to ruin it and make it complicated – figured you knew and therefore, what was the point? We were good and it was all that mattered.” He sighs deeply and picks up the ball again to toss it to Mercury, who goes galloping after it.

 “Retrospectively, I should’ve said something, but I didn’t and then we drifted apart after one argument too many.”

 “Again, it takes two to tango. The blame isn’t yours only.” Edward reminds him. Étienne shrugs and wrestles the ball out of Mercury’s mouth before he throws it again.

 It’s funny how they’ve both tried, over the years, to figure out exactly what happened to their fall out and when, but even they’re fuzzy onthe details. There’d been an argument of sorts, that much they’ve agreed on, and Edward had then returned home. They’d been busy with their own lives, at least one letter had been confirmed lost in the mail and then the years had somehow or other gone by.

 It hadn’t helped that Étienne had stopped going to meetings, so running into him there had happened less frequently. No matter how many times Edward had told himself that he’d make amends at the next meeting, Étienne had never been at it. It also hadn’t helped that the more time went by, the more Edward convinced himself that Étienne had moved on and that it would be pathetic to bring up something that had happened such a long time ago.

 He’d eventually assumed that with their fallout, Étienne had realised that there was nothing to him and that he’d been shelved, just like he’d always feared. It had hurt, obviously, but Edward had been dealing with bigger issues of his own back home and he’d focused his energies elsewhere. Étienne had been a far away fantasy and now that was over.

 On the other hand, Étienne’s own unstable mental health had whispered dark nothings in his ear and had slowly but surely convinced him that Edward had realised that he was messed up and not worth his troubles. He’d then figured that the best course of action was to forget about Edward and move on quickly, before he made a bigger fool of himself. It had pained him, obviously, but it had been the only way.

 Of course, they both realise that there’d been a better option they could have taken, but at least they can say that eventually they did reconnect and had made amends.

“When we stopped hanging out together, I honestly thought it was a temporary thing. Spending that much time together was a novelty anyways, so it didn’t really bother me. We both needed to blow off some steam and I thought for sure things would pick up again soon enough.” He shrugs, “Anyways, I was angry at you as well, so I returned to my regular thing and – put space between us.”

 “I started to worry when days turned to months and then years. It was so – strange, not hearing from you. I wanted to reach out, but I was mad, hurt and petty. Too bad for you, I figured. It’s not like I needed you, I had other friends! But – it felt like I had heard more from you when you didn’t even had a proper post office than now and – it stung. A lot. I went from resenting you to thinking I had fucked up royally and that you no longer wanted anything to do with me. That messed me up even more, because now reaching out to you felt useless. You’d probably just toss me to the side and tell me to get lost.”

 Edward groans and Étienne looks at him, confused. “I think it’s a fucking miracle we managed to actually get back together. I can’t believe we both thought more or less the same thing and it took us that long to – talk.”

 Étienne chuckles, “We’re a special type of stupid.”

 The fact that Edward agrees says a lot about the both of them.

 “I thought it was better to cower away and feel sorry for myself. I tried not to dwell on it too much – tried to move on, while going through a million versions of I told you so. This is why I didn’t want to go ahead and develop feelings! Not only would I get hurt, but you would as well – one way or another, but at least, this way, you had no idea. It was better if you thought I was some heartless monster than some messed up person…”

 Edward wants to once more remind his boyfriend that he is not some monster and that everyone has their own imperfections, but there’ll be time for that later. He needs to make sure that his boyfriend leaves this conversation knowing and reassured that he is not broken.

 “And when I found out about you and Calvin, well that pretty much sealed the deal. You had moved on and I was not about to break that up, regardless of my feelings. I didn’t want to make things even more awkward and complicated, so I kept my mouth shut and just – played it cool; or at least tried to.”

 “What a success that was,” Edward chides even though Étienne had indeed kept his distances and hadn’t brought up his feelings until much later – until after they’d reconnected and after that still.

 “You know what I mean. I may have been called many things in my life, but I wasn’t about to fuck up your relationship just because I was jealous and still loved you.”

 “I know, Sweetheart, I know,” Edward takes a hold of Étienne’s hand and presses a soft kiss to it. He hopes Étienne understands that he’d never thought that about him. He’s relieved when his boyfriend gives his hand a squeeze and that the bite from his voice peters off.

 “It helped when I met new people. That was and is always fun. Building that initial connection, finding that first spark – what they like and what they want. It’s what makes it interesting, really, but of course, even when I hooked up with people just for sex – even when everyone was aware this was just a casual thing, there were still some who’d go ahead and say they loved me. They’d end up thinking that just because we’d meet up a second or third time that it was turning into a serious thing. I just liked their company or wanted to sleep with them again. But they never got it.”

 “At some point, I even faked it. Went along with it. I thought it would be easier. They’d say they loved me, and I’d return it. It – never worked, obviously. I would get tired of pretending. It always felt fake. How could I tell someone I loved them, when they were just a casual friend to me? Or a stranger I had just met? Like, yeah, maybe eventually I would’ve felt love for them – like, with Isabella. We get along great and we certainly have fun, but it’s a casual thing to me. I can’t predict the future, but I certainly do need the time to get to that whole love thing.”

 Edward had been wondering about Isabella, quite honestly. He’d heard of her, over the years, more or less, and Étienne had mentioned a few things about her, but he’d never asked. At first, afraid that his own chance with Étienne was shot and later one because he knew that Étienne loved him and therefore, that was all that mattered to him. Étienne was free to do whatever it was he wanted and if he wanted to share with him on anything, he’d be there to listen.

 Still, with this conversation, he’d been hesitant to ask, afraid Étienne would think he was accusing of something. He’s quite sure he wouldn’t have minded if his boyfriend would have told him he loved Isabella, but he’s also – for the time being – relieved. He supposes he can reflect on exactly why later. There’s enough to process as it is.

 “Yet, it seemed like everyone was after love and everyone equated sex with love, when those two things can be so diametrically different. For so long – for so fucking long there was barely even love in marriages. And now these people were finding love when it was only sex!” He shakes his head as if still in disbelief and Edward gets it, in parts. He’d gone after his fair share of sex only and had only wanted that. He can only begin to imagine how tricky it must have been for Étienne.  

 “Eventually, the other person would feel that there was something off with me. Sometimes, they confronted me about it and then would call me heartless or other such names. How could I not feel the same? They’d ask. What did I mean when I said I didn’t feel love but I didn’t mind them? I must be a monster if I only wanted sex. Christ – why the rush?! They couldn’t understand and it just made me question everything all over again. Had I ever really even loved anyone? Was I really broken? Were they right? Had I missed some great big boat where they were handing out love?”

 “I got tired of that – I’m tired of that.” He sighs and passes an agitated hand through his fringe, before he tugs on a curl that Edward watches bounce back into place. He carefully reaches out for Étienne and puts a comforting hand to his knee.

 “It took me so long to come to terms with the fact that no, I’m not broken.” He admits quietly, “I’m just fine the way I am and it’s okay if romantic feelings never appear, yet every time someone would bring it up, it felt like going back to square one – like I was still that same young man from so many years ago who was terrified I was made broken with missing parts. It honestly got discouraging at times. Like – hell, there’s even a word for it now! Can you believe it?!” He asks without really addressing Edward, “Demi-romantic, how’s that for fun, eh? How fan-fucking-tastic! I now have a shiny new word I can dangle in their faces. As if I needed that to prove my worth! I don’t need crap from others! And I certainly wish my brain could fully get on board with that as well!” He lights up another cigarette, mindful to let the ash fall into the ashtray Edward had dug out for him. He seems a little annoyed, still, - frantic – as if talking about this has brought up some pent up frustration and unprocessed emotions of his, and Edward gently nudges his shoulder and offers him a small smile.

  “You know, even if you had never told me any of this – about you being demi-romantic, I would have never thought of you as broken. I like you the way you are – always have, really.” He knows these words can’t heal all of Étienne’s wounds and he knows they certainly can’t erase the wrongdoings of the past, but he hopes they bring Étienne some comfort, if nothing else. That if Étienne thinks the whole world doesn’t get him, that he’ll always have him. That Edward will always stand in his corner, regardless of their relationship status.

 Étienne gives a sheepish sort of shrug, and takes a long drag from his smoke, before he passes it to Edward, who’s more than thankful for the hit of nicotine. “I’m sorry I went off like that – that turned into some never-ending tangent.” Étienne knows he doesn’t usually over share. In fact, it usually always takes him ages to open up, but Edward has always been his confidant and this had more or less been things he already knew. It had just been different to – verbally tell him, but if they are supposed to be more open and discuss things, he supposes this is a good way to go about it.

 “Don’t apologise – I don’t mind listening to whatever it is you have to tell me, you know that, right?”

 Étienne nods after a moment, “Yeah; thanks for sticking around through all of this, really. I know none of this changes how I acted towards you and what I said and didn’t say, but I’m glad you didn’t toss me under a bus after that whole debacle. I’m glad we got to be friends again and that we’re back together.”

 Edward chuckles and loops an arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders to pull him close, “For what it’s worth, I’m also glad we got to be friends again and that we’re back together, silly. I missed having you around.”

 For the first time since this conversation has started, Edward feels as though Étienne’s smile is genuine and it settles something in him. He presses a kiss to his boyfriend’s cheeks and holds him to his chest for a moment.

 “That’s it – really. I’m just – demi-romantic and was afraid you’d freak out on me, like so many others had. And after all the grief and loss from Gen to Charlotte, Nicholas and Koffey – I was afraid I’d lose you as well. So I kept quiet and – ended up regretting that even more...” He trails off for a moment and Edward feels him tighten his hold on him, “But here we are now,” He says, making his voice sound strong and stopping it from breaking. Despite everything, he’d made it. Despite everything, he’s here, with Edward and Edward still loves him and still wants him in his life.

 “Here we are now.” Edward parrots back. It has to mean something. It has.

 FIN

Part IV

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #fic #projocanondoko #IT IS OVERETH