tum haqeqat nahi ho hasrat ho
jo miley khuwab mein wo doulat ho
mein tumharay hi dam se zinda hun
mar hi jaon jo tumse fursat ho
tum ho khushbo k khuwab ki khushboo
aur utni hi be-murawwat ho
tum ho pehlu mein, per qarar nahii
yani aisa hai jaise furqat ho
tum ho angrai rang o nik'hat ki
kaise angrai se shikayat ho
kiss tarah chor dun tumhein jana
tum meri zindagii ki adat ho
kis liye dekhti ho ayena
tum to khud se bhi khobsurat ho
dastaa'n khatam honay wali hai
tum meri aakhri muhabbat ho
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cravings
i recently learned that the urdu word for "crave" or "craving" can be translated to "talab" (unless i am mistranslating - in which case, really too bad, i love this word under this context) and i think it's such an elegant word.
such an elegant word that's soft on the tongue; talab (not pronounced the way it would be phonetically in english, but with a "soft" t? is that a thing?). but with such a big definition.
mujhe sakoon ke lamhon ki talab hai.
mujhe khamoshi ki talab hai.
i don't know why, maybe it's age, but i've become the person that has started to look forward to quiet moments on my own.
quiet moments to do nothing at all. which isn't new if i'm talking historically, but the difference is, now i want my "peace" even over the things i generally enjoy. like spending time with family or friends.
like as an example - i'm sick at the moment. and of course mama is worried sick about me since i'm also solo parenting and i have to go into the office every week. so she keeps saying she'll come over.
but since pre-new years, the long weekend holiday time was quite full of activity. and then when i got home i got sick, of course. and now its the weekend and i'm still sick (but on the mend, hopefully, finally got some medicine) and esa is home. which, don't get me wrong, i love that. esa is growing independent day by day and it's so good to be home with him just enjoying our space together.
my little baby is not a little baby anymore and....well i mean i could go on this tangent for the rest of my life. but let's focus.
so anyway, i'm on the mend and my cleaning lady is coming on monday and she'll do a deep clean. and that means, i will get to enjoy a clean home. a deep cleaned home. with esa at daycare. and sure, i'll be working on monday, but STILL. i will get to enjoy some peace in my clean home. and while i love it when my mother comes, and she does SO MUCH for me....my talab for that moment of sitting silently in my clean home...taking a shower and feeling refreshed was so great....i pushed really hard on the whole "i'm fine" bit, to hopefully ensure my mom didn't end up coming.
which i think she sensed. and i think she was upset about (rightfully so, i think my own heart might break too).
but this talab for quiet. for clean. for peace is SO GREAT in me that i risked hurting my mother's feelings.
and frankly, probably did it.
so i am asking why. kyun mujhe itna ziyada sakoon ka aur safayi ka talab hai.
jab ke esa ke saath time guzaar ke, mama ke saath time guzaar ke, family aur doston ke saath time guzaar ke bhi mujhe bohat khushi milti hai. aur main un waqton ke liye bhi shadeed shukar guzar hoon.
lekin apne ghar mein sakoon se chup chaap baith ker ek ajeeb sa gratitude dil mein baith jaata hai. ek aisa ehsaas - woh asal cheese jiski mujhe talab hai. shayad sakoon nahin, chup chaap nahin, sirf woh ehsaas jisme main....sakoon mein hoon.
that moment of complete bliss and happiness and contentness in my life. that moment of complete satisfaction.
in a clean and quiet home, when i have showered, food is prepared, beds are made....i want for nothing.
i wish i could freeze that moment. it's the moment in which i...i'm not sure what it is. i think it's the moment i can feel God. truly. the moment in which i can feel his immense presence and i can feel the immense gratitude for all that i have been given. especially in light of what is happening in the world during this time.
it is the moment in which i don't want to move for fear of shifting the balance and the same moment in which i recognize just how fragile this balance might even be.
it is the moment of true and pure happiness for me. is that wild? crazy? psychotic? normal?
i don't know.
all i know is that it IS. and i crave it. i have talab for it. my body looks for those nooks and crannies of quiet and peace. my brain revels in the feeling. and i haven't ever experienced it long enough to experience boredom in it YET (but you never honestly know, the heart is a fickle thing) so my craving for it only grows.
so there you have it.
that's all i've got for tonight.
much love,
k
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