#wanna know how i did it? mostly by exploring sex and intimacy on my own terms (including casual sex + kink as well as writing) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

particularemu · 4 years

Text

NSFW Alphabet | Hwang Hyunjin

Word Count: 4242

Type: Smut

Author’s Note: I’ve been seeing these go around and I felt like joining the NSFW Alphabet Club so here we are.

A couple of the blurbs are straight from other fics that I’ve written because my stupid ass is LAAAAZY :3

Side note: These are all my opinions, so don’t come @ me

A=Aftercare

This is Hwang Hyunjin we’re talking about here

The softest — sweetest boy I’ve ever seen to exist

Of course, he’s going to be BOMB at aftercare

His favorite thing to do after sex is soak in a bath, mostly because he can clean you up, help you relieve some of your soreness, AND he gets to have you pressed against his chest

“Do you need anything?” Hyunjin pressed a soft kiss to your forehead.

“I need you here with me.” You tugged on his arm, making the ebony-haired boy giggle.

Hyunjin ruffled your hair. “I need to get the bed cleaned up love.”

“Do it later.” You shifted in the warm bath water, giving him space to slip in. “Please?”

“Fine.” Hyunjin joined you in the bath, eyes going wide when you straddled his hips and kissed him.

“I love you.” You nuzzled your noses together.

Hyunjin’s hands rested on your waist, a sexy gleam in his eyes as he squeezed the soft flesh.

“Do you want a round three?”

B=Body Part

His favorite part on your body? Definitely your eyes.

He loves looking into your eyes because your eyes always seem to hold so much love for him

On him, Hyunjin loves his lips.

He’s gotten lots of compliments on them, so he figures they’re his best feature.

“Look at me love.” Hyunjin’s forehead rested against yours as he slowly rocked his hips against yours. “Let me see your eyes.”

You slowly opened your eyes, a quiet moan escaping your lips as your legs wrapped around his waist, allowing him to hit impossibly deeper. “It feels so good Jinnie.”

Hyunjin picked up the pace, moving faster. He couldn’t help but smirk when your eyes rolled in the back of your head before drifting shut.

“Now love, how many times do I have to tell you keep your eyes open?”

C=Cum

Let’s talk about cum super quick

He loves to cum inside you in every way

There’s something about the way you clench around him (whether he’s fucking your throat or any other hole whoops) that makes the orgasm 10x better for him

He also low-key loves seeing his cum on your tongue

“Open your mouth sweetheart.” Hyunjin tapped his cock against your tongue, breath hitching when you stuck your tongue out for him. He pumped, teeth clenching as he came across your tongue.

“Hold on.” You looked up at him after hearing his words.

“Keep that pretty tongue out for me. I love to see myself on your tongue.”

D=Dirty Secret

Before you were dating, he walked in on you when you were masturbating

You were so caught up in the pleasure that you didn’t hear him walk-in

Poor boy was shooketh

He walked right on out, and dealt with the raging hard-on in his pants

He thought of you the whole time he was stroking himself

Low-key ashamed but high-key had the greatest orgasm of his life while thinking about you

Couldn’t look you in the eye for like a week

Hyunjin’s eyes raked over your body as you rubbed yourself underneath your panties.

“Ohh Hyunjin.”

He rushed out of your room, figuring it was best to leave you alone and take care of his own problem.

Hyunjin pulled his cock out of his pants and stroked himself.

“Oh the things you do to me.”

E= Experience

Ok, so some people feel like these boys have some experience, I respectfully disagree

I feel like these boys don’t have time to get up to any nonsense

Especially Hyunjin

Hyunjin has mentioned that he was a curious child, so he took up many competitions and hobbies

So I feel like he threw himself into sports and hobbies

I also imagine he had 0 time when he was a trainee, so this boy was probably a virgin when he met you

He has definitely masturbated before, but he has never had sex with a woman.

“I’m a virgin.”

Hyunjin’s cheeks flushed at your confession. “Me too.” He chuckled nervously. “God, I was so worried about telling you.”

“Why?” You giggled, grabbing his hands.

“I don’t know…” Hyunjin trailed off. “I want to make you feel good when the time comes.”

“We’ll learn together.”

FIRST TIME

His first time having sex was extremely important to him, and he didn’t want to fuck it up

You and him had been dating for a while

He wanted you to feel good, so he did some research ahead of time

Boi legit Googled “How do I make a girl cum?”

He must have found some good information because WOOO

From the get-go, he knew exactly where to touch, lick, and suck to bring you to your high quickly

Of course it took a bit of time and exploring to find what pleased you the most, but once he figured that out, he was hooked

He loved to hear your moans, so he made you cum numerous times with his tongue before even moving on to the main event

Now, he came quickly, and he was a bit embarrassed, but you reassured him it was fine, considering he made you cum many times before penetration

Hyunjin’s eyes squeezed shut as he came, cheeks flushing bright red as he buried his face in your neck. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” He groaned in embarrassment.

You couldn’t help but giggle. “What’s there to be sorry about?” Your hands ran along his shoulders, making the boy relax into your touch.

“You didn’t finish.” He mumbled against your skin.

“Jinnie.” You tilted his chin up, forcing the boy to look at you. “You made me cum three times before you even finished undressing.” You chuckled. “Don’t worry about it.”

Hyunjin’s cheeks flushed as his brown eyes remained fixed on yours.

“I love you so much.”

F= Favorite Position

Missionary king

He loves to look in your eyes when you’re having sex, because it gives him a good idea of how you’re feeling

He can tell by your facial expressions whether or not he’s hitting the right spots

He also wants to be able to tell immediately if you’re in pain

Aside from missionary, he loves the lotus position, and he adores fucking you against a wall with your legs wrapped around his waist

“Oh God, Hyunjin.” You threw your head back against the pillows, nails raking across his back as he thrust into you.

“Look at me, love.” Hyunjin’s forehead pressed against yours as he rocked into you, eyes watching your facial expressions as you wrapped your legs around his waist. Hyunjin nuzzled your noses together, making your heart flutter in your chest as you came close to your high.

“I’m gonna cum.” You moaned.

“Go ahead sweetheart.” Hyunjin’s husky voice sent you over the edge. “That’s it.” His hips rolled against yours to coax you through your orgasm.

“You look so pretty when you cum.”

G= Goofy

Sex with Hyunjin can vary from super playful to extremely romantic

You could go either way

Sometimes you guys get a bit giggly when things get hot and heavy and someone sneezes or trips over their pants

Then that playful mood won’t go away and y’all are just giggling while making love

“What are you doing?” You giggled as Hyunjin’s fingertips rubbed across your ribcage.

“Nothing,” Hyunjin smirked — that shit-eating grin driving you bonkers as you reached for him.

“Please quit fuck me.” You raised your hips up to his, hoping you could pull the boy out of his playful mood.

“Aww, but I wanna have fun with you~”

H= Hair

He likes to stay trimmed, but sometimes gets lazy with it

99% of the time he’ll be trimmed up

If he isn’t, he’ll be a bit embarrassed, especially if you keep yourself neat and tidy

You groaned around Hyunjin’s length as his hand pushed you further and further down his cock. “You take me so well baby.” Hyunjin moaned and threw his head back, hand pushing you down until his entire cock rested in your throat. Your nose pressed into the bare skin of his pubic bone.

“So fucking well.”

I=Intimacy

Most of your sexual experiences with Hyunjin will be extremely intimate

He’ll want to shower you with compliments and worship your body

He loves taking his time, pressing kisses to every scar, stretch mark, or mole scattered across your skin

He’ll also want to hear some praises back

“Jinnie stop.” You flushed bright red as Hyunjin kissed along your stretch marks.

“Why don’t you love yourself?” Hyunjin looked genuinely confused as his lips trailed across your skin. “You’re so beautiful, I don’t know how you don’t love yourself.”

Oh your heart!

“Please, let me worship every single piece of you.”

J=Jack Off

Ahem

I feel like this boy would jack off if the mood hits him and you aren’t there

99% of the time he’d just want to fuck you

But if that isn’t an option, he’d rather use his right hand vs. having blue balls

Hyunjin rolled his head back as his hand closed around the base of his cock. God, he wanted to fuck you so bad, but you were at work. His hand will just have to do.

A shaky sigh escaped his lips as he ran his hand up and down his length, pulling the foreskin as his thumb rolled across the prominent veins on the side. Oh, how he wished your soft tongue was providing such pleasure. You would always trail your tongue along the underside of his cock, eyes rolling in the back of your head as his cock hit the back of your throat.

Hyunjin’s thighs shook, a low groan rumbling in his throat as he came in his hand.

“Fuck, I wish you were here.”

K=Kink

Jinnie has a praise kink

He loves to give and receive praise

Receiving praise helps him know whether or not he’s doing a good job + it gives him a confidence boost

If this boy seems hesitant with his touches, tell him what you like. He’ll immediately smile and get to work

He’s also into light bondage. He really loves the way Shibari looks and he loves testing out new patterns with the Shibari rope.

He’s definitely a switch, so he wouldn’t mind letting you take control, but he prefers to be the dom most of the time

He’s totally interested in pegging, but he’d be all sly about it

Like he’d buy butt plugs and be like, “I thought we could try these out tonight. We could use them on you… or me…”

Sly Jinnie

Once you tried them out on him, he’d probably bring up pegging

He’d be super embarrassed but excited

Loves overstimulation: giving and receiving

He really enjoys feeling your thighs shake around his head as he slurps at your core

Is cunnilingus a kink?

It is now

This boy loves dipping his tongue between your folds

He adores you and wants you to feel amazing, and he knows his mouth can do wonders

“You good baby girl?” Hyunjin leaned his head on your inner thigh, a tantalizing smirk tugging at his lips as he watched your body shake and thrash beneath his teasing fingertips.

His fingers slipped inside you with ease, curling upward to rub against your g-spot. A choked sob escaped your lips as his tongue rolled across your clit once more.

“I love watching you squirm under my tongue.”

L=Location

Could fuck you anywhere sis

But he’d prefer to have sex in bed

It gives you two the privacy you need, and he can take his time with you

BUT sometimes he likes having semi-public sex — as long as there’s a VERY small chance that you guys could get caught

“Jinnie, we’re in public!” You moaned as Hyunjin roughly yanked your skirt down your legs.

Hyunjin slid your panties to the side as he slammed into you. “Maybe you should have thought of that before teasing me.” Hyunjin roughly pistoned into you, making your choked moans echo in the small dressing room. Hyunjin’s hand clamped over your mouth.

“You better be quiet baby. Unless you want everyone to see me fuck your pretty little pussy.”

M=Motivation

He loves to see you in pretty lingerie

He also loves to see you in his oversized shirts

Put both together and he’s DEAD

You’ll be bent over in no time if you wear lacy underwear and one of his t shirts

“Hey.” You leaned against the doorframe, clad in one of Hyunjin’s favorite shirts and a lacy pair of underwear that made your ass look perfect.

Hyunjin tore his eyes away from his book, mouth dropping open as his eyes scanned your body. The boy’s cheeks flushed a bright shade of crimson as he watched you saunter over to him.

“God, you look perfect.”

N=No

He’s not willing to do anything that could harm you in any way

So he’s not a fan of knifeplay, breathplay,

He’s totally fine with a bit of spanking, but for the most part, he wants to worship you, not put you in pain

I also think he isn’t a fan of anything that involves any bodily fluids aside from cum and saliva (so no watersports)

“What on earth is knifeplay?” Hyunjin’s eyes went wide as the two of you looked up the definition.

You both wanted to try out different kinks, but you had no idea what kinks even existed, so you and Hyunjin decided to look some up on the internet.

“Oh, it’s sex involving knives.” You giggled at the look of genuine fear on Hyunjin’s face.

“We are NOT doing that.”

O=Oral

This boy is a boss at oral

Hyunjinnie deserves a gold medal

This boy has spent lots of time with his tongue in your folds

He knows exactly how to make you cum with his tongue

He always starts off slow, with long licks up your slit

Then he just dives in like a man starved

His tongue will lap between your folds, the tip circling around your clit before he harshly sucks

He’ll suck your clit between his teeth and nibble a bit

Hold on sis

Because you aren’t cumming just once from his mouth

He loves to overstimulate you, holding your legs open for him while he slurps at your core

Yum

Get me a Jinnie~

Hyunjin pulled you closer and sucked even harder on your clit, making your body shake from the intense orgasm that followed. You practically screamed as Hyunjin rolled his tongue over your clit, the overwhelming pleasure making you lose your mind. You couldn’t think of anything but him and the way his tongue moved along your core. You couldn’t tell if you were moaning, screaming, or crying at this point — you just knew that you were completely under Hyunjin’s control, whether you liked it or not.

A third orgasm washed over you, but Hyunjin wasn’t finished. He pulled away for a split second. “One more.” You cried out as his fingertips toyed with your sensitive core. “Hold out for one more.”

The words barely hit your ears before he wrapped his lips around you. You thrashed against the soft mattress, sweat dripping down your brow as tears streamed down your cheeks. “I can’t cum anymore.” You cried, shoving at his shoulders.

Hyunjin pulled away from your core and smacked your outer thigh.

“You can and you will!”

Taken From: Caught

P=Pace

His pace typically starts off slow, and speeds up near the end

Foreplay is HUGE for him

He wants to make sure you’re ready for him

And he also REALLY enjoys making you feel good

Once foreplay is over, he starts off with slow, deep thrusts

As he gets closer to his release, he’ll speed up.

Hyunjin started to thrust into you again, setting a much quicker pace to make up for all the pausing throughout the night. You moaned and reached for his hand, smiling when he threaded his fingers between yours. He squeezed your hand before reaching between your bodies, brushing his fingers between your folds to stimulate your clit.

Your back arched off the bed, making the tall boy chuckle as he continued to rock his hips against yours. You were so close, and you could tell he was too. Hyunjin’s brow creased, eyes clenching shut as he tried to hold off his orgasm long enough for you to reach your high. The way your walls closed around him, sent him over the edge. He came with a loud moan, hand stopping all movements against you.

“Oh my God that felt so good.”

Taken From: Goose Down

Q=Quickie

This boy is not very good at quickies

He always ends up getting overly excited and going for another round

So quickies are not his favorite thing

“Come on.” You ushered Hyunjin into the coat closet, instantly yanking your panties down your legs.

After seeing Hyunjin kill it on the stage, you were so horny you couldn’t wait to have him. “Please hurry.” You moaned.

Hyunjin pulled his cock out of his pants and slammed into you. “Fuck you feel so good.” Hyunjin chuckled as he started to thrust into you.

“We have to hurry. Someone might come in.”

R=Risk

Hyunjin doesn’t like to take big risks

But he’d be willing to fuck in a practice room if it’s scheduled to just him

Sure people could walk in, but it’d be highly unlikely

He loves you so much and wouldn’t want to subject you to the embarrassment of someone walking in on the two of you

“Come on Jinnie.” You mumbled against his skin. “We can lock the door.” Your lips traveled along his jawline, making the boy hard in his sweats.

“The boys could come in any moment.” Hyunjin practically whined.

“Please.” You looked up at him with your best puppy-dog eyes as your hand cupped his hardening cock in his pants.

“Fine.” Hyunjin sighed and turned you around.

“Let’s be quick.”

S=Stamina

He’s a kpop idol and one of the main dancers

This boy got stamina

He draws out foreplay quite a bit

Then he can usually last 2-3 rounds of penetrative sex

His stamina rebuilds FAST so after like 15 minutes of cuddling he might be eyeing you up like, “wanna do round 4?”

“Hey baby.”

“Jinnie no.” You giggled as the boy pouted. “How are you not tired?”

“I’m never tired when it comes to you.” Hyunjin giggled and pulled you closer to his chest.

“That’s a lie.” you chuckled. “You’ve fallen asleep on me almost every time we start a movie.”

Hyunjin laughed. “Hey! I try to stay awake, but right after practice I need to nap.” His chin rested on your head as his fingertips ran along your body. “Okay but what if —”

“Okay fine,” you mumbled, giggling as Hyunjin flipped you over.

“You know I can’t resist you.”

T=Toy

Totally willing to use toys

He’s game for blindfolds, ball gags, shibari rope, vibrators, and a strap on (for you of course)

He loves to tie you up in Shibari rope. He finds the intricate patterns beautiful across your silky smooth skin

“How does that feel baby?” Hyunjin finished tying the last of the rope around your body, leaving you completely helpless to his torturous touches.

You hummed as his fingers ran along your sides, tickling you every so often. “Good.” Your arms were tied behind your back, leaving you at his mercy.

Hyunjin’s tongue ran along your folds, making your body jolt.

“God you look stunning.”

U=Unfair

Usually, he’s pretty nice

Like, “if you’re going to be a brat, I’m going to punish you, but I still want you to feel good, so I’ll let you cum”

Push him hard enough and the demon will come out

“You’re acting like a brat today huh? Guess you really don’t want me.”

“Bend over.” Hyunjin undid his belt and folded it in half, sending shivers down your spine.

“No.” You crossed your arms over your chest, wondering what would happen if you defied him.

Hyunjin smirked and repeated himself, “I said bend over.”

“And I said no.” you couldn’t even help the stupid grin that took over your face.

“Oh? You find this funny?” Hyunjin smirked and forced you over his lap, hand smacking your ass a few times, making you moan.

“If you’re going to be a brat, you’re going to be punished.”

V=Volume

Have you heard Hyunjin?

I’m pretty sure the whole world can hear when he laughs

His moans can be pretty loud too

When he’s fucking you, he’ll let out deep moans and groans

When he’s being fucked by you, his moans are high-pitched and needy

“Oh God.” Hyunjin moaned pornographically as you thrust into him. “Fuck please go faster please.” Hyunjin whined, rocking his hips back against your strap-on.

“Calm down baby.” You chuckled and paused your movements, making the boy whine louder.

“Please don’t stop,” Hyunjin begged. “Please keep going, I’ll do anything.”

You smirked at his words. “Anything?”

“Yes PLEASE.” Hyunjin practically cried. “Please fuck me.”

“Don’t worry.” You smirked as you pounded into the boy again, reaching your hand around to pump his cock. His choked moans echoed in the room as you ruined the poor boy.

“I’ll take care of you baby.”

W= Wild Card

Hyunjin loves praises, but a piece of him also loves to be degraded

He wouldn’t enjoy doing it to you as much (brat is the harshest name you’ll ever be called during sex)

But he LOVES to be called nasty

“You like that baby.” You snickered as you stroked him past his orgasm. The boy frantically bucked his hips into your hand, trying to get away from your torturous touches. The ball gag in his mouth prevented any words from getting past the drool-coated silicone.

“You’re such a filthy boy.” You scoffed. “Look at all that cum leaking out of your pathetic cock.”

Hyunjin’s eyes rolled in the back of his head as another powerful orgasm raked through him.

“Such a nasty little slut.”

X=X-Ray

Not to be weird

Well, we’re already talking about smut here so weird is out the window

But I feel like he would have such a pretty dick

He’d be a bit longer than average (about 6-6.5 inches)

He’s probably a got an average girth though

When fully erect, his dick has a slight upward curve, so (for the ladies out there) he hits THAT spot perfectly omg

Hyunjin pulled his cock out, making your cheeks flush bright red. Your boyfriend had the prettiest dick you’ve ever seen.

You fisted the base of his cock, pumping a couple times making the boy beneath you fidget in excitement. “Oh, that feels good.” Hyunjin moaned as his head fell back against the pillows.

You ran your tongue along his length, noticing the way he gasped as the tip of your tongue swiped along the prominent vein on the underside of his cock. You slid the tip inside your mouth, swiping your tongue against his slit before taking him as far down your throat as you could.

“Oh fuck.” Hyunjin groaned. “You’re good at this.”

“Who wouldn’t want to worship such a pretty cock?”

Y=Yearning

Has a really high sex drive — mostly because he yearns for that closeness that only making love can provide

I feel like when you first start getting sexually active with him, he’ll be a lil shy

He wouldn’t want to come across as a horny weirdo, so he’d be hesitant to take things further every time he gets in the mood

BUT if/when you mention that you want him — instant boner

I think it’d take a month or two of sex before he starts pouncing on you every time he feels like making love.

“Can we?” Hyunjin’s cheeks flushed red as he rutted against you, his clothed bulge rubbing against your ass. “Please.” His soft begging sent a wave of arousal through you.

“We just fucked this morning.” You giggled, hand reaching behind you to rest on his hip.

“I always want you.”

Z=ZZZ...

Hyunjin doesn’t like to go to sleep right after

He usually likes to indulge in some pillow talk until both of you pass out

You’ll talk about anything from what you did that day to what you enjoyed about that night’s heated session

He enjoys pulling you on top of his chest

He also really enjoys tracing shapes on your back and having you guess what he’s drawing

Overall really soft

10/10 would recommend you bang

Hyunjin hurried over to your side and cleaned you up, kissing you on the nose before tossing the washcloth into the laundry basket. You held your arms out to him, smiling when he fell into them, allowing you to hold him close.

“You take such good care of me.” You kissed his forehead.

“I try.” He chuckled and leaned further into your touch. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” You ran your fingers through his hair, helping the ebony-haired boy drift off to sleep. You felt an overwhelming amount of love for Hyunjin at that moment — even more so when you heard the words he mumbled next.

“You are my whole world.”

You smiled and kissed him on the forehead. “And you’re mine.”

Taken from: Goose Down

741 notes · View notes

uaklauslovesdave · 4 years

Note

Hi, thank you for sending me asks, I really appreciate it! :D Could you do 002 for klave, I always want to hear your thoughts about them <3

my buddy, my dude, it’s been roughly 17 years since you sent this ask, and i’m oh so sorry for taking this long to answer. it got to be one of those situations where i wanted to do it Properly, which of course brought the anxiety, which of course then brought the avoidance. But we’re here now! it’s a new era and i have a whole bunch of klave thoughts to dump on my unsuspecting followers. let us begin.

when i started shipping it:

Pretty much immediately! I remember first watching s1 and getting that slow confirmation that Klaus time traveled to the Vietnam War. We saw him on the bus with his fatigues and bloody hands and I was like ‘oh god oh no he went to Vietnam didn’t he.’ And then later we have Klaus experiencing flashbacks in the bathtub and there are echoes of the noises of war but also a strong and clear “Dave!” And in that moment my interest was piqued. Dave, he said? Who is this Dave? Is this someone he loved? Did he have a war-time romance with another soldier? And I was hopeful but I also didn’t want to get too ahead of myself because of Queer Baiting in Media reasons (like, I was in the marvel fandom, ok? I went through the whole stucky dance routine). But then, but then! We got more. We got roughly five minutes (or less?) of scenes of Klaus dropping down in front of a disoriented soldier, of this soldier introducing himself as Dave on a bus, of Klaus and Dave dancing in a bar, of Klaus and Dave sharing a kiss in a quiet corner, of Dave bleeding out and dying in the middle of combat as Klaus sobs above him. And it was quick and it was short but it was meaningful and it was tender and immediately I knew that I was gone for them. There was no turning back at this point. I was all in on the Klave Train.

my thoughts:

My thoughts? Where do I even start? I have many! Some are incoherent! Some are devastating! Some are sickeningly sweet! Some are raunchy! Stay tuned to find out!

what makes me happy about them/what makes me sad about them:

So I decided to combine these two questions because, well, I Do Not Know how to untie the happy and the sad when it comes to klave. I tried and I cannot do it. They’re two sides of the same coin with these two. Because their entire relationship is tinted by tragedy, you know? They only met each other because Klaus was tortured and then flung into a notoriously traumatizing war in the 1960s. And who knows what number tour Dave was on. Had he been there for just 2 months or was this second or third time around? I’m not sure which option is more painful, really. And it’s unclear, did Dave genuinely want to serve in the military? Did he truly subscribe to those values instilled by his family? I’d lean towards no, based on the conversation Klaus tries to have with the Younger Dave in the diner. But I think it took Dave some time to get there, as he grew older and came to better understand and accept himself and perhaps grew more and more disillusioned with the life he was pushed into. And then there’s Klaus, whose own experiences somewhat parallel Dave’s (they just happened on a different timeline). Klaus, who grew up under Reginald’s reign of terror, who was taught to be a soldier just like Dave was. But his own disillusionment was expedited and he was able to rebel and remove himself from that scene more easily than Dave could (but at the expense of losing shelter and security and stability). And we have some insights into what it was like for Klaus to grow up in that environment, constantly surrounded by death. When we first meet him he is a person who clearly does not do genuine attachment or sincerity, because that is far too vulnerable and far too dangerous in his experience. He looks out for himself and he does what he needs to do to get by, and he approaches things from a casual, crass (safe) distance. And then there’s Dave, who we learn a little bit about from his interactions with Klaus in 1963 Dallas. He appears earnest and kind, just a Really Good Kid. He seems somewhat confused by Klaus, but also intrigued. Pretty much every time we see Klaus interact with someone in the 1960’s who is not a member of Destiny’s Children they approach him with disdain (referring to him as “pretty boy,” kicking him out of the diner, etc.). But not Dave. Not until he is pressured into it by Uncle Homophobe. And after that Dave seeks him out and apologizes, says that’s not him. And he and Klaus talk, and we see that they really knew each other, they really had a relationship, but by the end of the conversation Dave has been pushed too far. He’s not quite ready to rebel yet, he’s not quite able to make that leap into living as his true self. Just like Klaus, Dave grew up trapped and restricted and surrounded by ghosts. Not literal ones, no, but the ghosts of dead war heroes who came before him, the ghosts of the Ideal Man and Good Son that he thought he had to be, that he thought he had to prove he could become. And it’s not quite clear how and when Dave finally got to that point where he could rebel, where he could finally push past the fear, knock down the walls of the box he had been shoved into. But by the time he and Klaus crossed paths in 1968 Vietnam he was ready. And Klaus was ready. And they brought that genuine, true, real love out in each other. Something both of them probably thought was never possible. Something both of them probably thought was just a myth. Just turning themselves inside out and sharing that with each other. Trusting the other to take care of it and hold and keep it safe. All in the middle of a deadly war. It’s beautiful and it’s painful and it’s why I love them.

things done in fanfic that annoy me:

Nothing really specific comes to mind. Generally if there’s something I don’t like in a fanfic I’ll stop reading and move on. There is, of course, the Fanon Klaus Problem that makes its way into klave fics, so I suppose that annoys me. Or stories where Dave is one-dimensional and seems to exist just to comfort and take care of Klaus. But really, I don’t wanna hate on anyone who writes fanfic in a particular way. You do you. If it appeals to me I’ll read it and if it doesn’t I’ll just pass it by. No big deal.

things i look for in fanfic:

It absolutely depends on the day and what I’m in the mood for in that particular moment. I’m a sucker for angst so I absolutely do not mind reading something terribly sad and tragic. I like hurt/comfort with an emphasis on the hurt. I’m a fan of the GhostDave Watches Over Klaus Through the Years genre. I like stories that explore their time together in Vietnam. I’m into AU’s that include AliveDave traveling back to 2019 with Klaus and they hang out in Klaus’ room in the academy and Dave meets the siblings and Diego gives him a shovel talk. Sometimes I just want that sweet, sweet smut. Mostly I look for something that is both lovely and sad, which is not hard to find because that is, essentially, their relationship. There’s lots of good stuff out there. All y’all writers are talented. I salute you.

my kinks:

Alright, I’m just gonna preface this by saying that I will try my best to be unapologetically open about this, but at my core I am both shy and repressed. My easy and safe answer to this is that my kink for klave is love, happiness, and tender intimacy. That’s what I really want for them. But also. But also! Let them be smutty! Let them find places to sneak away and fuck, Dave’s hand over Klaus’ mouth to stop him from making noise that will alert the other soldiers to their activities. Or maybe they’re sitting under a tarp in the pouring rain and Klaus sees how far he can take it, and Dave doesn’t back down, and it ends up with Klaus blowing Dave while some other guys are sitting just feet away, oblivious to what’s going on between Katz and Hargreeves just over there. And then there’s that time they get to take leave together, and they’re able to get a hotel room, just to themselves, with real walls and a door that locks and a bed and everything. And the digs aren’t great but it feels like a palace compared to what they’re used to, and they absolutely do not waste this opportunity. Dave fucks Klaus into the mattress, and Klaus gets to learn what it’s like to have someone take control because you actually want them to and you feel safe with them, and Dave gets to learn what it’s like to have someone trust you implicitly and be willing to be vulnerable with you. And it’s not perfect, of course, sometimes their histories and understandings of sex and intimacy bump heads, but they love each other, they really do, and they work through it. And they both cry during sex at some point. For Dave it’s the first time he’s done so, for Klaus it’s not (but this is nothing like those other times this is because he wants to be here this is because he’s overwhelmed with love this is a release this is being seen this is being cared for).

who i’d be comfortable with them ending up with if not each other:

Let me be real and say that I really, really, really want them to end up with each other, and I think that this is where the show is headed. But, if that is not the case, as long as they are happy I will be happy. Perhaps that is cliche, but oh well. Just let them experience love and support, whether that’s with each other, someone else, or just on their own.

my happily ever after for them:

I don’t know how and I don’t know when (like seriously, when in the timeline is a big question), but I want them to find a way to be together. Maybe it involves some time-traveling, maybe it involves some timeline-hopping, maybe it involves some Commission interference, maybe one or both of them will be dead, maybe (most likely) it involves something that has not even crossed my mind as a possibility. But, like I said, I think that somehow there WILL be a (perhaps nontraditional) happily ever after for them. It might take some time to get there and I don’t think it’s gonna be a smooth road, but I do think that’s the ultimate destination. And I’m looking forward to the whole process.

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Good question! My first instinct was Klaus as little spoon. Because he is Klaus but also because of the Bar Kiss scene where Dave tenderly cradles his face and those Very Important blurry behind the scenes instagram photos of Klaus resting his head on Dave. But I also think it would be really nice for Dave to be the little spoon? Because Klaus gets to hold him and act as a Protector and maybe he can feel Dave’s heartbeat beneath his (hello) hand and he gets to wrap around him and hold on tight and he can let go when he wants to but he doesn’t want to, he wants to stay right here as long as Dave will have him. And Dave will have Klaus wrapped around him, holding on, as long as Klaus wants to stay. Dave gets to be held and cocooned in the arms of this beautiful person he loves. Dave doesn’t have to be strong right now, he doesn’t have to put on the face of the Good Soldier. All he has to do is fall into the space between them.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

I’m gonna say that they had a lot of time to sit together and talk while they were in Vietnam. Sure, they had their duties and sometimes they were in the shit but there was also a lot of down time, just sitting around and waiting for something to happen. And so they’d sit and they’d smoke and they would talk. About their interests, about where they come from, and eventually about the life they would build together after they got out of there. But here’s a specific image that I have: they’re sitting close together, maybe it’s dark, there’s no one nearby. Cigarette smoke lingers in the air, mingles with the fine mist. The conversation has turned to music, somehow. Conversations have a tendency to meander when Klaus is involved, and Dave follows him step for step, never tripping, never questioning how they got there. And Klaus asks Dave about his favorite song, and Dave hesitantly mentions “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence,” like he’s embarrassed, but he’s loved it for years and he wants to be honest with Klaus. And Klaus hums and says he doesn’t know it, hasn’t heard of it, and he leans against Dave, lays his head against his chest. And Dave says, that’s ok, it doesn’t matter, it’s just a stupid old song anway. But Klaus says, no, you should sing it for me, I want to hear it, I want to know it. And Dave scoffs and laughs, but Klaus looks up at him, and then Dave looks away, and his mouth lifts into a smile, something small and fragile. He turns back to Klaus, looks him the eye, and softly, so softly, starts singing, “When Liberty Valence rode to town, the womenfolk would hide…” And Klaus drops his head and shifts closer to Dave and hears the words slip from Dave’s mouth and feels the words vibrate in Dave’s chest. He closes his eyes. There’s a war going on. It’s 1968 and he’s in Vietnam and his clothes are damp but he’s right where he wants to be. The song is not romantic, but it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard. He never forgets the words.

#these are my klave rambles! they are long and i am sorry! i could not contain myself! i think you got insight into the Incoherent Thoughts!#alright i’ll stop yelling now #thank you again for the ask and sorry again for taking so long #the umbrella academy #klaus hargreeves #dave katz #klave #an ask and an answer #softforklave

32 notes · View notes

avengerscompound · 4 years

Text

Catch and Release - 8

Catch and Release: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x F!Reader

Word Count: 1893

Rating: E

Square filled: @star-spangled-bingo - laughing: can't take kink/toy position serious

Warnings: Smut (Bisexual MMF, vaginal fingering, oral sex, cock warming). Please read - This chapter playfully makes fun of cock warming. It’s not done to kink shame because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the kink (and mostly just because of the bingo fill) but if you’re super sensitive about how much you like that kink you might want to skip it. It’s not an important chapter for the story.

Synopsis: When you overexert yourself on a mission with Steve and Bucky, the boys admit to having fantasies that involve you. Fantasies that you share. But with one Super Soldier needs intimacy and the other is still dealing with being touch starved, exploring those desires without anyone catching feelings is a little tricky.

Chapter 8: Playing with the Prey

Steve and Bucky’s question about what you wanted to try specifically sat with you for a few days. You weren’t sure what to bring up. There were things you wanted to try that you thought would be a huge no for them, considering Bucky’s past. Things you liked reading about but didn’t actually want to do. Then there were things you thought maybe you should wait until you were in an actual relationship to try so you could do it with someone you were in love with.

When you narrowed down the list the thing you decided on was kind of tame really. They'd have to be pretty unreasonable to turn you down.

“Sorry, can you run that by us again, darlin’?” Bucky said, looking at you quizzically, his burger held halfway to his face.

“It’s called ‘cock-warming’.” You said, making Bucky snort and Steve just blink at you startled.

“And we just… put it in and not move?” Steve asked.

“Yeah. It’s … it’s supposed to be intimate.” You said. “I don’t know. I guess it’s stupid. Sorry. We don’t have to.”

“No. No, we can do it.” Steve said, quickly, putting his hand on yours.

“It just sounds …” Bucky started.

“...stupid. It sounds stupid. Sorry.” You finished.

Steve moved from his chair so he was kneeled down beside you. “Hey, now. We said you could to us for this kind of thing. You’ve given us so much. If this is what you want. We’ll do it.”

You let out a breath and pressed your forehead against Steve’s. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Steve said. “Anything for you.”

“It just sounds kinda boring,” Bucky said.

“Buck,” Steve scolded.

Bucky held up his hands. “I’m just saying.”

“I don’t know. It sounds nice to me.” Steve said. “Like connecting with someone.” He sounded sincere, which put your mind at ease. You just hoped that you weren’t wasting your first request.

The three of you finished eating and moved to the couch. You sat between them and Bucky leaned in and began to unbutton your shirt as Steve curled his arm around you and kissed your neck. “So who exactly gets to be the lucky guy?” Bucky asked as your shirt fell open. He looked you over and trailed his fingers over your breasts and down your stomach. When he reached your pants he began to unfasten them.

“I don’t mind. We don’t have to only do that either.” You said.

“Of course not,” Bucky said with a faint growl in his voice. His hand slipped into your shorts and ran his fingers up and down your panties. “Need to be nice and wet to take us, don’t you?”

You made a small, choked sound, and he slipped his fingers into your panties as Steve tilted your head back and captured your lips. As you kissed Steve hungrily, Bucky’s fingers ran from your clit down to your entrance, he’d dip the very tip of his finger into your cunt, drawing out your moisture and smearing it around your folds and over your clit. A soft moan bubbled up from within you and was muffled by Steve’s lips.

Steve's hands cradled your breasts, pushing them together and massaging them. He pulled the cups of your bra down and Bucky leaned in and began to suck on one of your nipples.

A hot ache spread up from cunt and out from your breasts. One of Steve’s hands slid down your side and met with Bucky’s. Steve’s fingers circled quickly over your clit as Bucky pushed two of his inside you and began to fuck you with them. You moaned and arched your back, breaking the kiss with Steve. They didn’t break their pace as you cried out and rocked your hips between them, but Bucky leaned over your shoulder and began to kiss Steve deeply. Your panties soaked through as a hot current traveled under your skin, making you feel like an exposed wire. Just when you were right there, sitting on the precipice of orgasm, both men took their hands away.

You let out a frustrated huff and shook yourself a little. “Alright, darlin’,” Bucky said, starting to strip off his clothes. “Let’s try this.”

“How come, you’re doing it? You said it sounds stupid.” You asked as you started removing yours too.

“No,” Bucky corrected you. “Not stupid, boring. But I’m the hypersensitive one. If it works, then maybe I’ll try it with Steve later. Might be nice for us.”

Steve smiled softly and leaned over and nuzzled at Bucky’s cheek, making Bucky grin and ruffle the other man’s hair.

The two of you stripped and Bucky sat back, stroking himself to complete hardness. Steve handed him a condom, and Bucky tore open the packet and rolled it on, before patting his lap as he grinned up at you.

You straddled his lap and lowered yourself down, letting him guide his cock into you. When you were seated firmly in place you sat back and looked into Bucky’s eyes.

“So this is it? Just… sit here.” Bucky said.

“Uh-huh.” You hummed.

“Right. Like… we don’t do anything?” Bucky asked, his fingers flexing on your hips.

“We can kiss. But nothing in the downstairs region.” You confirmed.

Bucky stifled a laugh and leaned his forehead against yours. “We asked you to take us both, and this is what you want in return? You are not as wild as I thought you were.”

“This is one thing I haven’t tried. I wanted to. That’s all.” You said. “Now shush.”

He cradled your jaw and brought his lips to yours. You kissed slowly and deeply, his beard creating a scratch to your lips and tickled under your nose. Steve moved in closer and you pulled back from Bucky and began to kiss Steve. It felt like that first time, where there had been no sex, just kissing and dry humping. Only now the dry humping had been taken out too and you just sat together, making out while Bucky was buried deep inside you.

The kiss was an organic thing. It moves from one couple to the next seamlessly. The fact Bucky was inside you at all started to be something you weren’t even aware of.

Bucky made small grunt sound as you were kissing him and pulled back. “Shit,” he said, grabbing your hips. “Steve, help, I’m starting to lose wood.”

You burst out laughing and adjusted in his lap. “Gee, that’s flattering.” You said.

“Nothing to do with you, darlin’,” he said. “But there’s only so long a guy can go with nothing happening before his dick forgets there’s a party going on.”

You completely lost it while Steve smothered his own laughter. The blond leaned in and started kissing Bucky hungrily as he reached between his legs and began to massage his balls. His wrist rubbed against your ass as he did.

You rested your head on Bucky’s shoulder and just watched the two men kiss. They way they kissed each other, always seemed different to how they kissed you. Even at it’s most graphic and passionate, there was a deep connection there. These two men knew everything about each other and connected like two puzzle pieces.

Your legs began to feel a little strained so you shifted in Bucky’s lap again and got the sudden reminder that he was still inside you as his cock pulled against your entrance. “Ow… fuck! My dick!” Bucky cursed, grabbing your hips and pulling you back.

“Shit! Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I forgot you were in there.” You babbled, jumping off his lap completely.

Bucky cupped his crotch and his head fell back on the couch. “You fucking forgot!? What the hell?”

You dropped to your knees and crawled over to him. “I guess I just adjusted to you.” You said apologetically, nuzzling at the insides of his thighs. “I’m so sorry. Let me kiss it better?”

He took his hands away, rolling the condom back off and tossing it in the little wastebasket you had put nearby just for such a reason. “Yeah, you fucking better.” He grumbled. “Trying to castrate me.” You started laughing as you moved between his leg and nuzzled at his crotch. Bucky looked down at you and wrinkled his nose. “Forgot I was in there. Un-fucking-believable.”

“I’m sorry, Bucky,” you said licking up his shaft. “Please forgive me.”

He grumbled again but tangled his hand in your hair. You began to suck on the end of his cock as you slowly pumped his shaft. He groaned and let his head fall back. “That’s better. Fucking cock-warming.”

You laughed around his head and dropped your head down, deepthroating him. “Fuck!” He grunted, his hips snapping up a little and pushing his cock deeper down your throat, making you gag. “Stevie wanna go show her what sex is supposed to be like.”

Steve looked down at you and you gave a small nod as you sucked up the length of Bucky’s cock. He moved behind you and as he pulled his cock out and sheathed himself with a condom, he fingered your cunt from behind. Two of his thick fingers pumped in and out of your wet and aching cunt while his thumb.

You rocked against Steve’s hand as you bobbed up and down on Bucky’s cock. Steve pulled his hand away and lined himself up, sinking slowly into you. You moaned around Bucky’s cock, the sound muffled and choked as he gently thrust his hips up into you.

They both began to fuck you. Steve hard and deep pushing you into Bucky more with each snap of his hips. Bucky more gently, enjoying the fact you were leading more. Each of you began to get louder. Soft grunts became loud moans. The three of you moved as one, thrusting and clenching with each other.

Steve wrapped his arm around your waist and began to rub your clit. You gasped and tried to focus on Bucky as Steve brought you apart. Bucky’s hands began to open and close in your hair and with a sudden grunt, his hips jerked forward and he released in ropes down your throat.

As you drank it down, Steve seemed to take it as a signal to fuck you even harder. He pounded into you from behind, his fingers flying over your clit. You move so you were kneeling, you back pressed against Steve as he continued to fuck you. He used his free hand to massage your breast and with a sudden clenching of your core, you came. “Fuck. Me!” You cried as your orgasm crashed over you.

Steve groaned and pressed his forehead against your shoulder and with three more thrusts, he came with you, your cunt still fluttering as his cock began to pulse inside you. He slipped from you and you and Steve both moved to the couch, flopping down, and panting.

Bucky patted your leg. “Got there in the end,” he said. “Next time ask for something good will you.”

You pulled a face at him. “I’ll kill you, Bucky.”

“You can try,” he teased. “Just don’t try and break off my dick again, would ya?”

You pounced on him, and he pulled you down on top of him as the three of you broke down into loud laughter.

// NEXT

#SSB2020 #steve rogers #bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #stucky #steve rogers x bucky barnes #stucky x reader #steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #captain america fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #reader insert #smut #catch and release #playing with the prey

285 notes · View notes

tonystarkbingo · 4 years

Photo

Our first roundup for Round Three of the TSB! This is for the first 12 days, and there are SO MANY FILLS! It’s awesome!

Title: Adventures of Tiny Dragon Tony and His Treasure (Loki) Collaborator: BennyBatch Link: AO3 Square Filled: T4 - intimacy without sex Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: none Summary: Tony and Loki ring in the new year. Word Count: 25,717

------------------------------------------

Title: The Ghost and The Machine - Chapter 17: I Can Live With This Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - ghosts Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: cliffhanger Summary: Bucky leaves the hospital, does some recovering at home, then goes back to work with Tony in tow. And sees something very unexpected. Word Count: 33,789

------------------------------------------

Title: Rise Unwilling and Slow Collaborator: used_songs Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - Fireplace Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: implied/referenced child abuse, alcoholism/alcohol abuse Summary: Tony is called home from college to play the dutiful son. Word Count: 944

------------------------------------------

Title: Ghost and the Machine - Angst with a Happy/Hopeful Ending Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: T2 - Angst Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: angst with a happy ending Summary: The angst ending to The Ghost and The Machine! Word Count: 2821

------------------------------------------

Title: Ghost and the Machine - Ouch Ending Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - It wasn't worth it Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: major character death, heavy angst Summary: The ouch ending to The Ghost and The Machine! Word Count: 1352

------------------------------------------

Title: Unintended Consequences Collaborator: dracusfyre Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Writing Format: Drabble Ship: Tony Stark & Loki Rating: G Major Tags: none Summary: Tony finds out that Godhood is relative. Word Count: 100

------------------------------------------

Title: Always a Moment Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - Last Chance Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: prisoners together, Winter Soldier!Bucky, hopeful ending Summary: Tony is captured by Hydra, who try to get him to create weapons for them. When he keeps refusing, they throw him in a cell with the Winter Soldier--hoping some time with the Asset will scare him into cooperating, but also accepting that the Soldier might just kill him. Like a snake befriending the mouse given as a meal, the Soldier instead takes Tony as a (consensual) snuggle buddy, becoming fiercely protective of him. Eventually, the two find a way to escape Word Count: 1690

------------------------------------------

Title: Two MIT Students in Search of a Comet Collaborator: newnewyorker93 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: R4 - Going on Vacation Together Ship: Tony & Rhodey Rating: G Major Tags: none Summary: The last appearance of Halley’s Comet was in 1985/1986, aka perfectly timed for MIT-era space nerds Tony Stark & James Rhodes to load up their car with junk food and go on an epic road trip to get the best view of it… Word Count:

------------------------------------------

Title: A Hard Day’s Night Collaborator: rebel-author-chick Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A3 - Free Ship: Tony Stark/Reader Rating: G Major Tags: fluff Summary: Tony helps you relax after a hard day of work. Word Count: 879

------------------------------------------

Title: Riding the Unicorn Collaborator: Gavilan Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - Watching Helplessly Ship: Clint/Natasha/Tony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Dom/sub-overtones, begging, pwp, threesome Summary: “He’s making a lot of noise, isn’t he?” Clint remarked, sounding almost casual. “He is,” Nat agreed. “Why, wanna do something about it?” Tony could hear the smile in Clint’s voice as he replied, “Y’know, I rather think I do.” Word Count: 3658

------------------------------------------

Title: Occupational Hazard Collaborator: chel Link: Tumblr Square Filled: T4 - Occupational Hazard Ship: Tony Stark/Tony DiNozzo Rating: G Major Tags: NCIS Summary: "So, Mr. DiNozzo, is it?” “It’s actually Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, thank you Mr. Stark.” “Dr. Stark.” Word Count:

------------------------------------------

Title: Who’s Gonna Pick You Up? Collaborator: ceealaina Link: AO3 Square Filled: T4 - First Date Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - No Powers Summary: In a world where Tony is less playboy and more awkward nerd, he’s mostly bored and lonely now that he’s graduated from MIT and Rhodey’s off on his Air Force adventures. Agreeing to a blind date with Ty Stone doesn’t turn out to be his best plan, but luckily Nat’s there to save to day. (And even more luckily, she’s got a cute brother and Tony is just his type.) Word Count: 5200

------------------------------------------

Title: Blood Will Tell - 1/10 Collaborator: thewaythatwerust Link: AO3 Square Filled: T2 - Myths and Legends Ship: Eventual Stuckony Rating: Mature Major Tags: Vampires, Werewolves, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Summary: His short nails rake over the frozen rock, leaving gouging trails in their wake. He can’t interfere. Shifted, lupans are strong enough to be a problem in a fang to fur fight one-on-one, but three-on-one, in daylight, the odds are dramatically in their favor. Word Count: 2717

------------------------------------------

Title: A Human Convention Collaborator: politzania Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Writing Format: Drabble Ship: None Rating: G Major Tags: Drabble, Reflection, Inner Dialogue Summary: JARVIS reflects on a human convention. Word Count: 100

------------------------------------------

Title: Breathe Collaborator: hddnone Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - Free Square Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: none Summary: Bucky needed feedback about his missions. He needed to know how he did. He needed to know how to keep improving. He needed to know, above all, that he could trust his mind and instincts still in the heat of the battle. He needed to know that he could still do good things. But more than that, he needed all those things from someone who would be honest. Someone who wouldn’t shy away from a critique or confrontation. Bucky found all those things down in the workshop with Tony. Word Count: 2032

------------------------------------------

Title: So Just Let Us Be Three Collaborator: SierraNovembr Link: AO3 Square Filled: R2 - Kink: Anal Sex Ship: Steve/Tony/Sam Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content, Threesome Summary: Tony had been growing steadily closer to Steve and Sam, who are in a happy, good relationship. No matter how much he wanted more, he’d blown his chance with Steve years ago. If he can’t stop himself from finding excuses to linger with them even though he knows they’re settled together, out of his reach, that’s his own problem. Right? Word Count: 2474

------------------------------------------

Title: Something Afoot in Frisco Collaborator: Politzania Link: AO3 Square Filled: T2 - Convenience Store Ship: Tony & Eddie|Venom Rating: Teen Major Tags: canon-typical violence Summary: Tony Stark is cutting loose after his first business trip to San Francisco, but after his date goes sideways, he ends up in a neighborhood bodega. The night gets weirder from there. Word Count: 1115

------------------------------------------

Title: Blood Will Tell - Chapter 2: ⭑ TONY ⭑ Collaborator: thewaythatwerust Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Amnesia Ship: Stuckony Rating: Mature Major Tags: A moment of descriptive gore/horror Summary: So focused on keeping the contents of his stomach inside his stomach, Tony hadn’t heard Bruce approaching him. “You know, when Clint came barrelling into the clinic this morning, rambling about a horror show, I thought it was his regular hyperbole. But seeing this… Tony, how are you even alive right now?” Tony rubs his fingers over the dressing covering the wound at his temple. He shakes his head. “I don’t know. Believe me, I wish I could remember what went down, but it’s just… blank.” Word Count: 4493

------------------------------------------

Title: All I Needed Was The Last Thing I Wanted Collaborator: martianwahtney Link: AO3 Square Filled: R4- Meet Ugly Ship: Anthony DiNozzo/Tony Stark Rating: Gen Major Tags: none Summary: “You decided to move your buddy’s car as a prank, but you got the wrong car and now I think you’re breaking into my car, what the hell is wrong with you” or where DiNozzo finds Tony Stark trying to break into his car and things devolve from there Word Count: 1060

------------------------------------------

Title: AU: Adventurer/Explorer Collaborator: lronhusbands Link: Tumblr Square Filled: R2 - AU: Adventurer/Explorer Ship: Tony/Rhodey Rating: Gen Major Tags: none Summary: moodboard

------------------------------------------

Title: Art Format: Line Art Collaborator: Trashcanakin Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A4 - Art Format: Line Art Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: [Fanart] Winter Soldier Tony Stark

------------------------------------------

Title: Ghost of Unprotected Sex Past Chapter 1 - Three Things Collaborator: shakespeareanqueer Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A3 - free space Ship: Tony/Reader Rating: Mature Major Tags: Cursing, crying, mention of illness and injury, mention of break up, mention of sex and birth control Summary: You show up to Tony’s NYC mansion with some unexpected news. Word Count: 1887

------------------------------------------

Title: I Hear You Call My Name Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - Kink: Sex Magic Ship: IronStrange Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content, PWP Summary: Stephen needs a little extra oomph for a spell. Tony really needs to get laid more than once every two months… Word Count: 2240

------------------------------------------

Title: Bog Boyfriends (in charcoal & colored pencil) Collaborator: newnewyorker93 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A1 - old married couple Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Everyone on the TSB discord was having so much fun with the Tony-and-Bucky-as-bog-boyfriends idea I couldn’t resist joining in with my version! The glowy green on both of them is some sort of magic that healed them after they each crashed in the bog & keeps them alive as long as they stay there. And Tony is a lil bat creature bc I wanted him to be something that could fly; a bat seemed appropriate :)

------------------------------------------

Title: Every Surface in the House, AKA: Permanently Damaged Platypus Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - Writing format: documentation/epistolary fic Ship: Pepperony, JARVIS & FRIDAY Rating: Teen Major Tags: implied sexual content, AI feels Summary: Rhodey is scandalized, Tony is only slightly ashamed, Pepper isn't done with Tony, JARVIS is fond, FRIDAY is amused, and Natasha enjoyed the retelling. Word Count: 956

------------------------------------------

Title: We're gonna dance in my living room slave to the way you move Collaborator: cutebutpsyco Link: AO3 Square Filled: T3 - carnival Ship: IronStrange Rating: Teen Major Tags: mentions of eating disorder, alcohol and drug abuse and death. Summary: “I… Fuck... “ He whispered. “You’d like to dine and wine and take him out on a date, don’t you?” He could tell she was smiling and didn’t like that at all. “I think he likes you, but you’ll need him to trust you before even trying. Or he’ll run away. And then I’ll personally kill you.” Tony laughed. “How did you make him trust you?” “No, you won’t have the get out of jail card this soon, Stark.” Word Count: 6597

------------------------------------------

Title: That’s What Friends Are For Collaborator: ceealaina Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - Old Team Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Teen Major Tags: none Summary: The Tony Stark Protection Squad,” he told her, like that was a thing. “It’s really just me and Colonel Rhodes – and well, you now, I guess – the people who actually care about Tony’s well-being. The people he actually likes, doesn’t play pretend with.”

Pepper had rolled her eyes at him and then yelped when he’d tossed a lemon at her and things had gone back to normal. But she couldn’t really deny that he was wrong. Word Count: 1733

------------------------------------------

Title: Marvel Universe Online - Chapter 1 Collaborator: Eirlyssa Link: AO3 Square Filled: R2 - Online Interactions Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: None Summary: Bucky and his friends all play the same online game, where they met the one missing member of their group - Iron. They might not know one another in real life, but their friendship is definitely real. Except they might be closer than they think. Word Count: 2308

------------------------------------------

Title: Want Collaborator: alwaysabrighterdarkness Link: AO3 Square Filled: S3 - Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: None Summary: “No,” Tony managed to say finally, dark eyes still locked on icy ones. “That’s not…That’s not what I’m wanting to say. You don’t have to go. I’d rather you didn’t. Go that is.”“Then what is you want, Tony?” he asked seriously, brows furrowed slightly in frustration. “I get that you’re still angry and I don’t blame you. But I’m not gonna keep giving myself whiplash tryin’ to keep up with you.” Word Count: 3039

------------------------------------------

Title: IronMachine is Born Collaborator: Tonks Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - Fusion Ship: Tony & Rhodey Rating: G Major Tags: none Summary: Clint walks in on something he never knew he needed in his life. Word Count: 100

------------------------------------------

Title: Dillan Collaborator: Lacrimula Falsa Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted 1 - Afterlife/Ascension Ship: None Rating: Teen Major Tags: Major Character Death Summary: Turns out they don’t send the Grim Reaper to take you to the afterlife. Word Count: 765

------------------------------------------

Title: Bids Collaborator: alwaysabrighterdarkness Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Terrible Choices Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: None Summary: Natasha is tired of watching them dance around one another while accomplishing absolutely nothing. When the Maria Stark Foundation hosts a Charity Auction, she takes the opportunity to make her own plans. Word Count: 3423

#tonystarkbingo2020 #tsb2020 #weekly roundup #week 1 #week 1 roundup

7 notes · View notes

thefudge · 5 years

Note

PLEASE!!! I need all your feelings on the vending machine scene!! I am such a mess!!

GOOOORL

so, im gonna have to extrapolate and talk about ALL their scenes cuz !!!! im too extra!!!! here we go:

- what struck me and surprised me about the vending machine scene and their interactions in general was this weird, poignant innocence??

- let me explain. there was sexual tension and flirtation galore in the “snack attack” scene but!!!! there was also the sense of being young and wide-eyed?? like they’re both very careful and very reckless with their feelings. u got the same vibe with the fred/alice scene, where they unburden themselves and become guileless and candid.

-in this sense, FP stops being just the “stud” and “ladies’ man” and turns into a regular kid around hermione, a regular kid who gets excited, who feels insecure, who wants to belong. there was a glimmer from both of them that they were just kids for a few seconds, just two kids enjoying each other. (and im sorry to fp/alice folks, but their scenes held NO emotional intimacy, it was just sexy fun times. i feel like they only got to connect emotionally as adults which im happy about)

- the scene(s) also gave me the sense of a neat little friendship, this connection between two different ppl who just really dig each other because they have an understanding, a commonality; both hermione and FP are expected to follow certain paths in their lives and it’s heart-breaking that they both fail at their chance at independence. but when they’re together, or when they high-five like dorks, or when they spit and shake hands (and i’ll talk about this moment later), they are free, they’re just two kids. i mean alice tells betty that this game made them all feel like for a few hours they could be different ppl. and this was so apparent for fp/hermione.

- but hoooo boyyyy, the sexual tension and chemistry, they definitely layered the thing. of course we’re all haunted by FP’s “i’ve been thinking of asking you something” because UMMM??? this was not part of the game or role-playing. it implies he had been thinking about it for a while, maybe before they properly started playing the game??? IT’S A MYSTERY. and it’s such a tantalizing one. and hermione is pretty much #shook and has to quickly remind him they’re playing a game. but it’s actually a reminder to herself. i mean her claiming she’s definitely not into him is also her trying not to get hurt by - let’s face it - an asshole. this dude’s got a reputation. i mean he “fools around” with alice and doesn’t bother to actually find out if she’s okay. although, when he talks to hermione about it, you see the facade crumbling and him realizing he may have fucked up. in any case, this dude’s not a reliable boyfriend, he’ll break your heart. and what hermione wants is to get out of riverdale and make something of herself, not get bogged down by this dude and his aura. THE IRONY is that FP also wants to be the first to go to college and get out of town too!!! GAH. but yeah, of course hermione is into FP, lots of girls have a crush on him. but she knows she shouldn’t act on it cuz it’ll turn into a huge mess. basically, even the parents knew back then that their chemistry and understanding went too deep and becoming involved would have been too big a risk.

- but FP had a kind of crush on her??? i have a feeling she was the “unattainable” one for him, because there was no way hermione would’ve been allowed to date him and she was trying to steer clear of him buuuuut he was into her. and the proof is in the pudding yall. cuz ok, remember gladys jones? his future wife and mother of his kids? she’s gonna be played by gina gershon aka

younger

and older

YALL

he married a “hermione” look-alike yall. he went and got hitched and fathered children with hermione 2.0. YALL. he never got over this brief, illuminating spark with hermione. YALL.

ANYWAY.

- back to these 90s kids. their whole vibe reminded me of that “emotions” song by carly rae jepsen, where she goes “in your fantasy, dream about me, and all that we could do with this emotion” CUZ YES. they are conditioned to think this is all just a fantasy, and the game allows them to think it’s all it will ever be.

- OK SO, the spit-handshake. it’s EERIE that they only shake hands with each other and no one else. and it’s double eerie that they’re the first to lean forward and grab each other. and the way it’s shot from above, you get a clear view of them. they stand out from the rest. they’re a kindred pair and it’s eerie. my interpretation was that the game offered them a particular escape, the escape into that fantasy i mentioned above

- what also strikes me as interesting is that, since this flashback is mostly from alice’s pov, we don’t know what happened after she left the party, around the time when the principal died. she saw them all getting high and acting out but…i’m curious if the rest of the gang decided to explore each other more (aka, did fp/hermione also secretly make out, just like she made out with reggie’s dad?? i mean it’s v likely)

- and i mention this because during the gang meeting at pop’s when they’re all dressed in funeral black, FP keeps meeting hermione’s eye or staring in her direction with this semi-disgruntled look on his face (bless the gifsets lol). granted, they’re all shaken up, but it’s also the fact that penelope insists they can never talk about this or go to the police, and i wonder if FP is thinking that something he did with hermione should also stay quiet (i don’t think it’s sex, although fred/alice are implied to have had sex sooooo idk, but maybe smth happened).

- i also totally think FP embracing gang-life all of a sudden isn’t just about the game. it doesn’t make sense, not totally. wouldnt this disturbing event compel him to get out of riverdale faster? a part of me thinks he wanted to become “his own man” and have the kind of “enterprising” vision that hermione was talking about when she mentioned hiram. i mean FP single-handedly becomes king of the serpents and conducts all their business at one point??? ahemmmm.

- ANYWAY, these two felt to me like distant satellites who never got to reconnect again which is a shaaaame because there’s so much unresolved stuff???? there’s this weird, innocent teenage yearning. like, ok, their moment had sexual tension, but idk how to explain it, it was also very much about being young and vulnerable.

- and since we’re getting jeronica bonding later this season, maybe the kids are meant to reconnect those deep bonds (pssst do it writers)

- also yall, i wanna write so many fics

- also also, IM SO TICKLED that jughead’s mom IS HERMIONE 2.0 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

#jeronica #fp x hermione #hermione lodge #fp jones #my thoughts #long post #sorry yall i rambled lol

137 notes · View notes

sabbywrites · 5 years

Text

strange intimacy

Fandom: Pokémon

Pairing: Reader/Original Male Character

Rating: Explicit

Content Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content, Coerced Sex, Sexual Manipulation, DubCon (not really? but I’m tagging just in case), Unprotected Sex, Non-Consensual Photography, Unhealthy Relationships, Choking

A/N: Uh, hi. So this started as a joke for an OC I have-- Matt, the Pokémart employee. He looks the exact same as the other Pokémart employees, but he’s a sociopath who commits tax fraud and arson in his spare time while also just being a general menace to society. This was originally written for my discord server, but I didn’t mind how it turned out so I’m posting it here-- it’s been a while since I’ve posted explicit content. Read after the cut, or on Ao3.

The sky rains down on you like a bucket of water upturned over your head; merciless, endless sheets of water that plaster every garment you own to your skin, flattening your hair and making your Pokédex crackle a little dangerously. You hunch over it as you all but barrel into the doors of the pokémon center, drenching the linoleum floor immediately with the amount of liquid dripping from your skirt. The Nurse Joy stationed there exclaims immediately upon your arrival.

“Oh my! Here, let me take your pokémon!”

You let her, numbly thankful for her help given the fact that it’s easily three in the morning at this point, though your vision is too water-blurred for a moment for you to make out the time on the center’s lone clock. There’s nobody in the lobby, at least, which tells you all you really need to know; any sane trainer has gone to bed at this point, or at least taken shelter from the vicious storm. Thunder rumbles overhead, muffled by the ceiling well enough.

There’s a strange electricity in the room that isn��t born from lightning. You have a vague clue as to what it is, though hold off on confirming your suspicions until you rub at your eyes to clear your vision. You can feel your mascara flake and clump under your skin, but the aching in your legs and spine take up all the care you could’ve used towards your appearance.

When you pull your hands down, you see him.

It’s not a surprise, nor does it cause your heart to clench or flip or butterflies to erupt in your stomach— but it does raise the hairs on your arms slightly, despite the heavy dousing of water that had plastered them down. The goosebumps on your calves are not born from the cold as you squint your eyes, sparing what you hope is an unimpressed look at the Pokémart employee currently looking at you with his chin propped in his hand, supported by the counter. He looks smug, but you’ve rarely seen him greet you without some sort of unearned superiority.

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. You wring your hair out, not even sparing a glance to the clearly displeased Nurse Joy as she places your pokémon onto the platform. Satisfied that you look slightly less hopeless than you did a moment ago, you drag your aching body over to the counter.

“Nice tits,” is what you’re greeted with, his eyes zeroed in on the way your white shirt clings to you. If it had been anyone else, you might’ve been slightly disgusted at the comment.

“Working on a Saturday night, huh?” You say, keeping your tone as bored as possible. One of his eyebrows immediately twitches. “Looks like you have a booming social life.”

The smug expression drops. Of course. You can almost hear his teeth grit together.

“Some of us have actual jobs, instead of chasing preteen dreams. You finally manage to beat a trial yet?” He says. Ouch. That one stings a little, but you don’t let it show. He’s a shark, sniffing out pricks of insecurity like a drop of blood in the ocean.

“I’ll take thirty hyper potions.” You say instead. Your legs ache a little more than they did a moment ago, and you turn over your shoulder as Matt stoops down to grab a box of potions with an irritated gumble. “You have any empty rooms available?”

The nurse jumps a little at your question, then presses her lips together and shakes her head. “N-no, unfortunately, but the center on Route three—”

“I got a bed you can sleep in.” Matt cuts her off without a care in the world. He stands back up, tall as all fuck, slamming the box of potions down on the counter and ripping open one side so he can start to count them.

You tilt your head. “You do?”

“Yeah. Some of us pick professions that allow us to own houses.” He says, another jab at your failed trainer dream. You don’t even bother standing up for your decisions. “I live on route nine, ain’t a far walk.”

You look at him for a long moment. The blue of his eyes matches his apron perfectly.

“What’s the catch?”

“Well,” he says, scanning the potions and bagging them with a peculiar viciousness, “you’ll have to fuck me for it.”

You raise a brow. “That’s prostitution, and it’s illegal in Alola.”

“Does it look like I give a shit about what’s legal or not?”

“Not particularly,” you begin, “but you haven’t been this overt in a long time. Not since high school.”

“What can I say?” He laughs once, humorlessly, and it sounds more like a hiss through his still-gritted teeth than anything else, “I’ve had a shit week and I’m horny. At least suck my dick or sleep on the lobby floor. I couldn’t care less if you have a bed to sleep on or not.”

It’s hard to call bluffs, with him. You learned that the hard way when he almost threw you off the cliffs overlooking the Melemele sea for deleting the creepshots he’d taken of you off his phone. That’d been a while ago, though, back when he’d had acne and you hadn’t even caught your first pokemon yet. His face has cleared up pretty well, over the years, and if he weren’t so obviously zubatshit insane he’d probably have a flock of Nurse Joys at his beck and call. You’d thought about pity fucking him once or twice when you were both in school, mostly to get him to shut up about wanting to sniff your underwear, but you weren’t sure then if you could handle the damnation of your reputation. Now that you’re over twenty and can hardly even throw a pokéball without making yourself look like an ass, the prospect looks more appealing.

“Alright, yeah.” You say, and the gasp behind you tells you that the Nurse Joy has, in fact, been listening to your conversation.

“Wait!” She says, as Matt begins bagging another group of potions. He shoots her a filthy look, and her voice is quieter when she speaks again, “we might be able to squeeze you in with another trainer, if you don’t mind sh—”

“Fuck off.” Matt says, and you almost snort at how scandalized she looks. She must be new— you can’t really tell. They all look the same.

“But,” she seems to steel her nerves, “that young lady is right— it’s illegal, I’ll have to report you—”

“I’ll eat your goddamn trachea.” Matt snarls, slamming the second bag down on the counter. His shirt looks nice, around his arms. There’s a little bit of muscle there that wasn’t as defined a few weeks ago, when you’d last run into him on route two. You wonder if he’ll laugh at how soft your stomach is, then remember the picture of you that used to hang in his school locker. There’s no way. His bite is bad, but he’s all bark with you. The nurse goes silent, walking over hesitantly a few moments later to hand you your pokémon back.

And so it’s settled.

It’s really not a far walk to Matt’s place. Fifteen minutes, tops, on a nice day. Since it’s still pouring rain when Matt clocks himself out— three hours before his shift is supposed to over, the nurse meekly calls, but another threat to her internal organs shuts her up— it takes a little longer.

“I’m surprised,” you say, looking up at him as he walks under his umbrella. He hadn’t offered for you to come under it, but you feel like that’s less of a slight against you and more of a tactic to make sure your shirt still sticks to you, if the way his eyes linger on your tits is any indication, “that you still wanna fuck me. High school was a while ago.”

“I’m always gonna want to fuck you,” he says, without a trace of tenderness in his voice. The lit cigarette between his lips wobbles as he speaks, and he uses his free hand to pull it away as he exhales. The smoke curls up under the umbrella, then vanishes into the rain. “Might knock you down a few pegs, getting a couple loads in you.”

Your brows pinch together. “You’re not cumming inside me.”

“We’ll see.” He says flippantly, flicking his cigarette butt onto the ground. After a second, he turns away from you and spits into the grass. You grimace.

“Gross.”

“Shut up. You’re about to have a lot grosser done to you.” He says, jutting his chin out to gesture to a little cottage between the trees. The statement doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but it does remind you, rather suddenly, that for as long as you’ve known Matt you’ve never actually been privy to his sexual tendencies. There were all the times he tried to shove his hand down your skirt in high school, you suppose, or the time he “returned” your stolen gym uniform a little more stiff than usual, but he’d never really touched you.

Not for lack of trying. But since you’d hit your twenties, he’d gotten a little more bitter and aggressive with you. You have a feeling that it’s due to multiple things, but you’ve never been interested enough to explore the reasons. Matt will always be Matt, no matter what goes on around him. Even in the rain, he has the energy of a walking bonfire.

His cottage is nice. Not as nice as some of the other people you’ve bunked with— that weird-ass artist on route fifteen had a coffee table worth more than your life— but it’s clean. Perhaps too clean. It reeks of disinfectant, of chemicals, of—

“Nice,” you say, touching the corkboard in the entrance with a few pictures of you tacked to it. More creepshots.

“Shut up,” he says, voice muted slightly by the intensity of the rain on his roof. “Get naked or get out.”

You pause for a moment, still staring at the pictures. One was taken when you were on a date with that trial captain— Kiawe. He’s been cut out of the picture rather viciously, if the jagged edges are anything to go by. The image is barely over a year old.

Matt grabs the collar of your wet shirt and yanks you away from the entrance as he kicks the door shut with his foot, paying not a single concern towards your indignant yelp.

“I’m fucking done playing with you.” He says, and the way his voice hisses out makes you think he’d noticed your focus on that specific image. You scramble to get away from him the moment he releases your shirt, noting with a little bit of dryness that the bed he’d offered to you was his. It’s big, comfortable looking, with dark blue sheets. You’d been an idiot to think he’d have a guest room for you.

You seem to be motionless a little too long for his liking. “What the fuck did I just say?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You snap, lifting your shirt over your head, dripping water onto the floor like you had at the Pokécenter. You make sure to toss the shirt onto the small area rug he has spread out, receiving a displeased grunt in response. Before you can turn to ask him if he’d rather you keep them on, he’s behind you, hands pressing into your sides. They’re startlingly warm, accompanied by the scent of cigarette smoke as his mouth dips down to nip at the top of your ear.

“Good girl,” he says, voice a little less aggressive, and you shoot him a sour look that he laughs at. Again, humorless. You stare at him blankly, just for a fraction of a moment, wondering when the full-bellied, manic laugh you’d kind of sort of liked in high school had disappeared. You’re snapped back to reality when one of his hands comes up and squeezes at your damp bra.

“Patience is a virtue.” You snort. He tuts.

“I’m not a virtuous person. You of all people should know.” He quips back, abandoning your breast momentarily to unclip your bra in the back. You let him, staring blankly at his wall and wondering why you’re not resisting more. This feels less like an admission of defeat at his hands and more like a pot boiling over, and for a second your breathing hitches in your throat when you realize you really don’t mind being touched by him.

It’s been a while, you remind yourself, thinking of that weird artist again and how he’d immediately rejected your advances. It’s been a while, you press, trying in vain to bury the memory of the relief you’d felt when Kiawe had dumped you. It’s been a while, you think desperately as Matt presses a kiss to the crook of your neck and although it’s not tender, it’s careful. Measured. He knows you’re having an internal crisis.

He knows you. Well.

“I hate you,” you seethe suddenly, though you remain rooted in the spot. Your bra falls to the ground.

“Yeah?” Matt says, and both of his hands go under your arms so that they can grope at your breasts, a little wet from the rain but warming up under his touch. You shudder as his chest presses against you, the canvas of his stupid fucking apron rough on your spine. The plastic of his name tag is cold. His hands feel good.

“I can’t get laid because of you,” you seethe, surprised at the way frustration makes your voice feel thick in your throat. A chuckle rumbles against your skin.

“Oh, I know.” He says. “You’ve been too stubborn. It’s your fault.”

You continue to scowl as he pulls away for a second, the rustle of fabric telling you that his apron has been discarded somewhere. His shirt comes next, and when he steps closer to you again you feel his bare skin against yours. You’re freezing.

“What, you’re mad?” He snickers into your ear, and you’d be furious if you weren’t so disgustingly relieved to hear an echo of his old laugh in his tone. Now that he’s got the upper hand, Matt is a little harder to anger. “Kiawe agreed to dump you pretty fuckin’ fast, when I asked. Not a guy worth having around, don’t ya think?”

You know he’s omitting the part where he undoubtedly threatened the captain’s life.

“Come on. Get it over with.” You say, nudging him a little with your elbow. He steps back again and this time you turn, more than ready to tell him to piss or get off the pot, but the moment you do he pushes you forward so that your legs hit the edge of his bed.

“You’re not really in a place to be talking that way to me.” He says, leering down at your tits as if he hadn’t peeked in on you enough in the locker room to see them dozens of times before. He raises a hand to pinch your nipple, lightly, and pull at it a little. You fight down a reaction as best you can.

“You had to force me to fuck you. I wouldn’t sound so smug,” you say, but your voice isn’t as harsh as it should be and his mouth curls into that absolutely treacherous grin.

“Oh, right.” He says, and it dawns on you a little too late that you’ve always underestimated his observation skills for whatever reason, “if you didn’t want to be here, you wouldn’t be. You’re not nice enough to pity fuck a guy either, no matter how nicely he asks.”

He nips at your ear again. You think about senior prom. Matt had begged you for thirty minutes to leave with him. You thought about his eager expression while you fucked your date later that night.

With your silence as his answer, Matt brings his lips from your ear to your mouth, slotting them over yours. He’s tall, stupidly tall, you hate how tall he is—

It isn’t the first time you’ve kissed him— he cornered you way too many times in high school for you to get away from his intimacy-hungry lips— but it’s the first time in a while. It feels nice. His tongue tastes like tobacco and he smells a little bit like gasoline when you’re this close but he has a lot a freckles on his face that you like. There aren’t any visible acne scars. He’s really not bad to look at in the slightest, but he keeps his eyes open when he kisses you as if trying to remind you how much of a sociopath he is.

Your skirt comes off pretty easily. He yanks your underwear down for good measure, fingers immediately ghosting over your clit as you step out of them, before he has both hands on your shoulders and shoves you down to your knees. You scowl up at him.

“Do it, or I’m tossing you out in the rain.” He says, “and keeping the clothes.”

You hold out only for a second before you’re fumbling with his belt, pulling it from the loops and popping the top button of his pants. There’s an impressive tent that you have to be careful of as you drag the zipper down, and you know without even looking at it that he’s also been blessed with a massive cock. It’s almost unfair, you think as you yank his pants down just enough to also pull his boxers away, and then his dick is there, jutting out from his body and you know you definitely won’t be able to fit it all in your mouth. He grins down at you, and you don’t bother waiting for whatever remark he’s thinking of, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the underside of his shaft and delighting a little in the way he sucks in a breath.

You spit into your dominant hand and curl it around the base of his cock, smoothing the lubrication into his skin as you open your mouth and take the tip in. He’s meticulous in the shower, it seems. The taste of him isn’t bad, and you almost groan when you flick your tongue against his slit and find a bead of precum gathered there.

“Fuck.” He mutters, one of his hands clawing into your hair, blunt nails scraping your scalp. He pulls, gently, and holds your head firmly in place as he begins to rock his hips. You don’t bother crying out in surprise, not when his cock nearly jams itself against your uvula. The way you choke around it seems to thrill him, his pupils constricting suddenly as he peers down at you. The material of his pants whispers against your chin as he begins to fuck your face.

“Look at you,” he sneers, seeming more than willing to take advantage of the fact that you’re unable to talk, “you’re not even struggling. You wanted this.”

You attempt to glare up at him. He laughs, kinda like that manic laugh that you like, the one that always got you going a little bit in school, and you can’t keep yourself from using your unoccupied hand to touch at your cunt.

“Shit,” he curses, and his pace picks up without any warning. This time, you can’t help but make a noise of shock as his cock jams itself against the back of your throat. Your eyes sting with tears as your fingers rub clumsy circles against your clit, and his grin drops immediately into something more focused, more serious. Your cunt clenches around nothing when he grabs your head with both hands, waiting for the hand around the base of his shaft to drop away before he slowly eases himself into your mouth again. This time, he goes much deeper, almost down your throat, and you gag, tears spilling from the corner of your eyes and saliva dribbling down your chin. He curses again, a little too low for you to make out over the rain, and your lips burn ever so slightly with the burden of wrapping around his shaft as he face-fucks you.

You don’t even bother to try and steady yourself; instead, you breathe raggedly out of your nose as he continues forcing himself into your throat, his hoarse groans almost nice enough for you to forget your shortage of air for a few moments. You slip a finger inside of yourself and you know he sees you do it, because his breathing becomes quick and suddenly his hands are trembling a little—

He pulls himself out of your mouth suddenly and you cough, saliva mixed with his precum dribbling out of your mouth. Your eyebrows knit together. “Wh—”

He stoops down for a second to grab you under both arms, lifting you and shoving you almost carelessly onto the bed. You cough again, watching with wide eyes as he steps out of his pants and boxers completely, cock shining with your saliva as he crawls on top of you.

“If you think,” he pants as he slides his lubricated cock against your clit just to watch you shudder, “that I’m gonna come down your throat like some idiot and not fuck your pussy, then you’re even dumber than I thought.”

Your retort is lost as he brings his hips back slightly and lines himself up with your cunt. Your reminder of “condom!” is cut off rather abruptly once he begins to sink himself into you, yanking you closer to his body while he splits you open on his cock.

He’s the biggest you’ve ever been with. It’s maddening, almost insanity-inducing, that you’re delighting in the burn of him inside of you. He’s curved a little, only slightly, and the head of his cock drags against your walls like he’s really trying to stab you. You can’t do anything but groan, back arching to press your chest into his, and you think for a moment that he’s going to kiss you again until one of his hands curls around your throat and shoves you back down against the bed.

He doesn’t say anything as he presses down. His hand is big, his fingers long, and your startled yelp is overtaken by a clap of thunder outside. His hips work against yours tirelessly, his eyes glazed over and manic with a sloppy grin to match—

Black spots flicker around the edges of your vision like a swarm of beedrill, and for a second all you can see is the white of his teeth as he grins down at you— then he removes his hand, just enough so that you can take in a ragged breath.

He’s a lot stronger than you thought he’d be, even with the slight muscle you’d spotted earlier. If it weren’t for the measured, calculating glint in his eyes, you’d almost be afraid of him accidentally choking you to death.

“Oh, you like that, don’t you?” He sneers as you try and drag in more oxygen. You nod dumbly as his hand squeezes your throat again, whining as his cock continues to jackknife in and out of you. “You’re so fucking tight— I bet you’ll look so good with my cum dripping out of you—”

You keen, back arching again even as his hand keeps you pinned, and once he stablizies himself enough his free hand comes upwards, pressing down on your clit none too gently as he rubs figure eights into it. Your legs wrap around his waist instinctively as he bears down on you, choking you over and over until he sees the sign of danger in your eyes, only allowing you just a moment to breathe between presses. It’s rare that he takes his gaze from your dumbstruck face, but when he does it’s to leer at your bouncing tits.

“God, I fucking love you.” He snarls, cock slamming you as his fingers become sloppy with their movements, rubbing at you just for the sake of doing it, “I’m gonna fill you up. I’m gonna make you mine.”

“Please,” you rasp, the second his hand leaves your throat to fist the sheets next to your head, “I’m so close, please—”

“Beg for it,” he grits out, obviously not far off from your current state. “Beg me to cum inside you.”

You inhale sharply, not even giving it a second thought. “Please! Please, Matt, cum inside me!”

He laughs, manic, full-bellied, the laugh that used to haunt the edges of your thoughts when you got yourself off in high school, “you have to do better than that!”

“Please!” You nearly shriek as he rubs at your clit furiously, the sound of his hips clapping against yours almost deafening, “Please, cum inside me! Make me yours! Don’t stop, don’t ever stop, I want you to fill me up—!”

Your pleas crumble into incoherency as you orgasm, clenching down on his cock like you’re trying to crush it, and he lets out his loudest groan of the night as you soak him with your release. The glide of him inside you gets smoother, marginally, the slick sound of his cock penetrating you again and again the only thing you can hear over the blood rushing in your ears. He proclaims his love for you again, and again, and again, until his voice pitches upwards and you mewl in delight, feeling him finish inside of you with a satisfied groan rumbling in his chest.

The cottage descends into silence. Only the pattering of rain, slightly lessened than before, accompanies Matt’s ragged breathing.

“Fucking hell.” He groans after a minute, slowly pulling out of you. You wince at the feeling of his cum dripping out from between your thighs, but before you can untangle them from his waist, he uses one hand to keep them open.

“Don’t.” He says simply, and the even, plain tone of his voice shocks you enough into submission. He crawls towards his nightstand, flicking on the lamp and opening the second drawer to retrieve something.

A disposable camera.

“Wait a second—” You start, beginning to wriggle away from him despite the shakiness of your limbs, “you can’t—”

“Shut up.” He says again in that weirdly conversational tone. You watch, a little numb, as he spreads your legs again, bringing the camera to his eye as he uses his thumb and forefinger to spread your cunt wide open. His cum slides out a little faster as you hear the camera click.

“Perfect,” he mutters. You gape at him.

“You’re so fucked in the head.” You whisper. He shrugs, returning the camera to its drawer and flicking the light back off.

“Whatever. Shut up.” He says, as if he can’t choose between the two. He flops back onto the bed and yanks you close, pinning you to his chest and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. The strange intimacy makes you wriggle.

“Gross,” you snap, detesting the feeling of his sweat under your palms. He gives you a firm smack on the back.

“Stop being difficult. We’ll shower tomorrow.” He says in a tone that you know doesn’t invite banter. If he chokes you again, he might be a little more vicious without the sexual edge.

“I’m not gonna be here when you wake up.” You say, doing your best to at least turn away from him. He allows it, but you aren’t able to put much more distance between you two— especially when you know your previous statement is a lie.

#reader-insert #my work #back at it again at krispy kreme #READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS #don't bitch at me if you didn't read them #thanks!#pokémon #pokemon moon #pokemon sun #reader x oc #lemon #are we tagging this stuff as lemons again?#god i'm old

8 notes · View notes

polyrolemodels · 5 years

Video

youtube

Poly Role Models: Ev’Yan Whitney

PolyRoleModels: All right so welcome to PolyRoleModels. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah my name is Ev’Yan Whitney and I'm currently living in Portland Oregon.

PolyRoleModels: Okay well so how long do you been polyamory or how long have you been practicing polyamory?

Ev’Yan Whitney: I-Let’s see I feel like. So first I wanna say I don’t identify with the term polyamory all that much. Um mostly because of the way that me and my partner practice it. It doesn’t really fall underneath- I mean I know polyamory is an umbrella word. But for some reason polyamory doesn’t resonate with me that much. So I prefer non-monogamy or open relationship just because I feel like it’s able to encapsulate the kinds of relationships my partner and I have or the relationships that we are looking for. But to answer your question we have been open- our marriage has been open for about- maybe seven years now officially and it came about in a very funny way. I had no idea what polyamory was my husband is white so when he told me about polyamory I was like “Oh this is some white people shit. This is not for me. Its cool if that’s what you wanna do over there, but I don’t want anything to do with it over here.” And slowly but surely we knew we had a lot of interesting conversations about polyamory, what it meant. And to be clear like when he was bringing it up he wasn't bringing it up with the intention of like changing our entire relationship he was just like “I met someone and we had a strong emotional connection with each other and I found a word that kind of expresses how we're experiencing each other right now and yeah what do you think? This is really strange and I don't know what to do with this information.” And so because it wasn't like a do-or-die kind of situation where it's like “I identify as polyamorous, you either come with me or like the relationship was over,” it allowed us both to have space around the definition and even around like what we wanted to do as far as like next steps go and but still I was pretty adamently against it. I didn't really want anything to do with it and then I realized later down the line, I'd say maybe about a year after I first even heard the word that my own clear identity was starting to come up into the forefront in a really massive way. Like I met someone and I started having feelings for someone. Yeah and that's when I was like “Oh okay this polyamory, non-monogamy thing it's- it's something that could be a viable option for me in my relationship.” And so from there we started thinking about ways that we can practice it ethically.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. Awesome. All right so what is your relationship dynamic look like?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Um well I mean I have a husband is my primary um we both date other people. At this time we're not really doing much dating because I'm very busy at work and he's also really busy with work. And I jokingly say that like my- my business is my mistress because I'm just so like involved in it right now. But in the past we haven't really done like dating together. We often date individually outside of our relationship. So I'll have a girlfriend, and he'll have a boyfriend. My partner also identifies as queer. So we both use polyamory as a way to explore and express our sexual orientation that we wouldn't be able to do because we're in a “hetero” relationship.

PolyRoleModels: Alright.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah

PolyRoleModels: What aspect of non-monogamy do you feel you excel at?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh I think I'm really good at the communication piece but that's only because like I love to talk about my feelings. I- I feel like- I think my husband has a harder time with that because he- he's more so the type of person that wants to talk about his feelings after they've been processed and I'm more like- I feel a thing let's process it now together. Um so I feel like I'm really good at being able to pinpoint the emotions that are coming up within me. So like emotional intelligence and then being able to like say “Hey I'm feeling this thing let's talk about it. Let's um you know sit down and- and digest it, process it together.” And yeah I feel like the emotional part is a really big piece of it too because I think that so much of my own sexuality ties into emotions for me. I identify as a demisexual and so I can't have relationships sexual or romantic with people if I don't feel that emotional intimacy. And so because of that I feel like I am really good at being able to communicate my own feelings and like wanting to make sure that my needs, my emotional needs get met.

PolyRoleModels: Alright. I get that. Now, what aspects do you struggle with?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh man. Jealousy is a really big one, I hate to say it because it's really cliché. But yeah I mean that there's definitely been moments where as great as it is for me to watch my partner exploring his sexuality and having a blast with the people that she's with, it does bring up stuff around like scarcity and security abandonment issues for me and jealousy can tend to come up in those, in those instances. I mean I do feel that jealousy to me isn't this horrible thing. I know that it's been billed out to be like if you feel jealousy that means there's something terribly wrong in your relationship. I kind of use it as an indicator to look a little bit deeper, like to interrogate where that that jealousy is coming from and to be able to sit with it and process it and figure out why it's there. So even though I don't feel very good at it, that thing feels really challenging for me it's also a really good opportunity for me to self-reflect and be really critical about like the things that are coming up and the reasons why because a lot of the times that jealousy is rooted in fear. And so when I'm able to sit down with the jealousy and actually process it think about it yeah it's some beautiful realizations have come up. And really interesting conversations between me and my partner when jealousy comes up and were able to rather than run from it but actually like sit with it talk about it.

PolyRoleModels: And I was gonna ask you how you address or overcome those struggles but it sounds like you kind of did that.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, so uh in terms of my risk aware of safer sex what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Ev’Yan Whitney: We defitniely use condoms and he- my partners- I’m not on birth control. So mostly I’m not seeing men or cis men so I don’t have much of an issue with- with you know fears of getting pregnant or anything like that. But we definitely do our best to stay as safe as possible we have a lot of questions that we ask our partners like you know when they were last tested. We make sure that we get tested regularly as well just to make sure that everything is going- going good. It's so crazy to be answering these questions because it's been so long since I've been on a date. I'm like how- I'm trying to remember like how do I do- how did I do it? Cause it's been oh my god I've been out of the game for a while.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah I'm busy too so I understand.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: So what is the worst mistake you've made you're not monogamous history? how did you rebound from it?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh man my worst mistake? Oh man. I think I think- I don't know there would be a mistake but I definitely think I could have responded differently and that would be you know I was watching my partner have some strong feelings for someone that he was dating, and it led me into a negative spiral of “He's going to leave me. This is not safe. Like I'm going to be abandoned, and you know there's underlying like maybe infidelity going on,” because you know my mind goes in that area. My response to that was just really- I think it was a little extreme I think I wasn't allowing myself to see what was actually happening and also just being compassionate to my partner. Like new relationship energy is real and being able to be like- like to step back and say like okay the things that are coming up in this situation right now, like it's a new relationship energy, it's not that big of a deal. It'll eventually dissipate. I think it's it's difficult to have that kind of perspective and to not like go off the deep end, and have like you know your minds not racing about how things could potentially go. So yeah I think I could be a lot better about the responses that I have when I see those challenging things come up.

PolyRoleModels: So what self identities are important to you how do you feel like being non-monogamous intersects or affects those other identities

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh definitely my queer identity is incredibly important to me. I wouldn't be- I wouldn't be non-monogamous, I don't think, if I was queer, er if I wasn’t queer. Especially because I'm married to a guy. So that really changes the dynamic between us and you know there's- there's a articular set of things that my man can't give me because he's a guy and you know I'm a queer- a queer woman, so my queer identity really matters and means a lot to me. I feel like the non-monogamy piece enables me to express that part of my identity in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I were just in a you know monogamous heterosexual relationship. And then also within that like I mentioned before like being a demisexual, which has also been kind of challenging to find people who are willing to do the extra work necessary to have a meaningful relationship with me. In my past- my experience has been that people just want to fuck me and not want to get into the nitty-gritty of the emotions and the intimacy in that way. But my Demisexual identity is also really important to me and it's been a really great, I quess just tool for learning about like what my own needs are because there have been a few times where I've been like “I shouldn't be so emotional or certain- I shouldn't require that my partners give me emotional intimacy or emotional availability.” And so through non-monogamy I’ve found that like- that's a very fundamental part of not just like my you know identity as a person, but just my sexual identity. And then of course you're like- I'm black stuff and so being able to have that identity be seen and affirmed in the people that I'm dating is incredibly important to me too.

PolyRoleModels: So the only groups, project,s websites, blogs, etc. that you- that you’re involved with that you'd like to promote?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah they can find me on my website sexloveliberation.com. They can also find me on my Instagram which is Evyan.Whitney. I write a lot about sex and sexuality and there's a lot of articles on my blog that talks about this process that my husband and I went through and finding out that we wanted to have an open relationship. And um it was a little messy and kind of funny but you know, it was a really great way for me to chronicle that journey and process it in no time.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. Awesome. Thank you so much for taking the time and contributing so much and being be- opening yourself for a PolyRoleModels.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

—

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

#polyamory #queer #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamous #demisexual #black #black women #women of color

56 notes · View notes

lilmcnster · 5 years

Note

all the relationship questions for katya pls

🤗: as much as she likes to play hard and pretend she’s not, she’s absolutely is. it’s hard for not to have some kind of physicality with someone she loves. if she loves you, she all up in your space. deal with it!

🎶: no shade, but she definitely had a type for bad boys back in the day. the ones that would break her heart and come back days later apologizing. but, she’s a grown woman now and knows her worth!

😡: someone who is condescending and talks down on her are immediately red flags for her. those type of people remind her of her parents and is something that she has very little patience for if any.

↕️: totally submissive. she willingly gives control to her partner in the bedroom and lets them have their way.

⏰: she hasn’t been in many relationships out of pure choice, but everyone that she’s had has been long term: 2+ years. she isn’t one to rush into relationships for the sake of it, so if she wants to take a relationship to the next steps, she’s pretty sure they’re in it for the long run.

💍: marriage isn’t one of her life goals, per se. but, she doesn’t rule out the ideal of it either. if the option came to take that path with somebody she loved, she’d most likely do it without hesitation. however, she’s just as content with being in a committed, long-tern relationship for the rest of her life.

🏷️: not really. the furthest she’d go for a cute pet name would be the usual ‘baby’ or a shortened version of her partner’s name.

💋: katya’s more of a sensual being at heart. taking away the pure physical aspects of sex, she loves partaking in it because of the intimacy behind it. in her mind, it’s another way for her to closer to partner and an explore a side of them that isn’t paraded often.

📖: this is corny as hell, but her favorite thing to do would be to probably just hold a meaningful conversation with them or relax while being totally comfortable in the presence. the more personal, the better.

🛏: don’t let the submissive side fool you, katya’s absolutely a fan of trying out new things in the bedroom with her partner. she isn’t afraid of spicing things up and being adventurous in the bedroom especially if it leads to a better sex life for them both.

💚: it took a long ass time for katya to even become mostly secure of the person she is; she’s isn’t fully there yet but one of the things she vowed to never do for a young age was to compare herself to anyone. she understands that everyone walks a different path in life, so jealousy directed towards someone else is useless.

😘: i would sat her demeanor changes when she’s around the people she loves in general. old katya who isolated herself was definitely in much of a darker place than she is now that she’s learning to accept the love that she deserves into her life.

👫: this girl is not afraid of affection. yes, she’s that girl who might tongue you down in public.

💔: from past experiences and lessons learned, katya knows better than to enter a relationship with anybody that takes from her more than they give. it took her many failed relationship to know that she needed to be paired with somebody who was equally yolked to her heart and soul.

💝: to be honest, it doesn’t take that long for her to feel as if she’s secure in a relationship because she holds so much importance on building that foundation and trust before even taking it to the next step.

🤐: absolutely. times waits for no one. she understand that and won’t bite back how she’s feeling about someone whether the feelings might be reciprocated or not.

❌: oh no, we’re not doing that over here. if katya’s even gets to the point where she contemplates cheating, trust me honey, she’s already long gone.

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦: honestly, it’s taking her having to end up pregnant on accident to realize her feelings about parenthood in children. it was always something she tried to push to the back of her head, never giving the topic too much thought. it’s still hard for her head to wrap her mind around what type of parent she’ll be and what kind of kid she’ll raise, but she vows to never treat any child of hers the way her parents did her.

🐶: how many times do i have to tell y’all that this girl is affectionate?! she’s the big spoon af.

🔮: she does believe in soulmates, but not in the traditional sense of you only having one who is supposed to be the love of your life. she believes that you can have a soulmate in any aspect of you life whether that be your best friend, your lover, or even your mom.

⚔️: knowing how it felt to not have protection at such a young age when she needed it the most, she a lot more protective of the people she loves than she needs to be.

🚀: she goes above and beyond for the person she loves without them even having to ask her. it’s in her nature to do for her loved ones and honestly brings her a sense of purpose in her life to be the person that they can count on.

❤️: no. it takes her to really get to know someone truly and deeply for her to even consider the aspect of loving them and opening up her heart, let alone falling deeply in love. she doesn’t even utter those three words to somebody until she’s sure.

📺: she won’t hesitate to tell her girlfriends certain details of her relationship but she definitely shy’s away from telling her family and/or parents. she’s been the recipient of their judgmental ways and hurtful criticism, so she doesn’t even wanna open that can of worms towards somebody she cares a lot about.

♦️: not at all. the only thing she wants from a partner in that aspect would be for them to be financially stable on their own and be able to take care of themselves through their own means and standards.

💭: this is my last time saying this, but katya is so affectionate that it’s annoying. if she’s not in bed with her partner, chances are that she’s going to have trouble sleeping because she finds comfort in them being near her. if they can’t be around for whatever reason, she’ll usually just default to her pillow to replace them for the time being.

#first of all #i ain't see the growth in this girl until i was writing this.#katya has really come a long ass way and i feel like a proud mama.#i could cry.#katya — headcannon / q.

1 note · View note

imdrew · 5 years

Text

an autobiographical playlist

Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0969nlIzBIXZZB9ClnyYHN The telling of my personal story is much harder than I thought it would be, for several reasons. I’ve seen a lot, been through a lot, and conquered a lot, and finding music that helped tell that story actually ended up being far easier than I had anticipated. I, of course, had to leave numerous songs on the proverbial cutting room floor, but that’s the blessing of a deadline—at some point, I have to call it a day. I’m happy to report that I’ll be calling it a day with a triumphant smile splattered across my slightly aged yet youthful, angular visage.

The story I chose to tell was my coming of age, and my rise from intellectually gifted, mentally ill drug addict to intellectually gifted, medicated, sober, bisexual academic that rediscovered an appreciation for the gift of life that had previously escaped me. For years, I was a person who would consistently get in his own way, impeding the potential I was constantly told I had…seriously, teacher after teacher after teacher told me how much I was capable of accomplishing, “if only…”

However, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I chose to challenge myself a little more by telling my life story mostly through songs that have come out in recent years, rather than using songs from those earlier days that undeniably left an impact. Those songs are still very critical and will always have a special place in my heart, but I thought it might be a fun side experiment to see how music from the last few years can just as accurately communicate life experiences that pre-date it by almost a decade.

The first and last songs on this playlist come from the same album, Mac Miller’s latest and, unfortunately, final album Swimming. Released a month before his untimely death of an overdose, Swimming is the artistic peak of Miller’s career, an album made solely for him, to let himself know that he was okay rather than appeasing the rest of the world. The opening track, “Come Back to Earth”, is one that hit me square in the chest when I heard it for the first time. The opening passage says it all: “My regrets look like texts I shouldn’t send. And I’ve got neighbors, they’re more like strangers

We could be friends. I just need a way out of my head. I’d do anything for a way out of my head.”

From the age of six, I dealt with both auditory and visual hallucinations that increased in severity as I aged. When I was a junior in high school, my illness completely manifested, and as a result, I don’t remember a large chunk of my adolescence. Between the hallucinations completely obscuring the lines between reality and fiction and my rapidly increasing drug use (coupled with my reluctance to tell any of my loved ones about my mental deterioration), I was a complete wreck. I truly needed a way out of my head, and while I absolutely had friends, I felt a considerable disconnect because I was unable to open up about the most personal parts of myself. In addition to struggling with my mental illness, I was coming to terms with my sexuality while grappling with an internalized homophobia that had been reinforced by my Catholic education and the people I was surrounded by on a daily basis. I was in desperate need of an escape, but that wouldn’t come for several more years. I continued to suffer silently into my freshman year at Muhlenberg College, which culminated in me failing out after the first semester with a 0.00 GPA. My parents’ own Blutarsky—oh how proud they were (I hope my sarcasm is palpable).

The second and third songs on the playlist are meant to transport the listener back to my first college years. With what I saw as a new lease on life, I developed a persona that was the antithesis of the mild-mannered, even-tempered, very sick and awkward kid from my youth. Brent Faiyaz’s “Gang Over Luv” perfectly encapsulates my new “too cool for school” attitude, whereas the weird but wonderful “Cool” by Zack Villere harkens back to my more genuine insecurities that would pop up whenever I was by myself, which admittedly was more than I’d like to admit.

When I was away at college, it was my first exposure to what I believed to be true independence. I was indulging in everything that would come my way, be it drugs, sex or both. Despite having a bit of a novelty pick, Lil Uzi Vert’s (in my mind) under-appreciated “XO TOUR Llif3” and RAJAN’s “Cocaine Fantasy” paint that picture perfectly. I was lost in a drug-induced haze that painted permanent rose sunglasses on my face and allowed me to act without any worry for the consequences. Yet, at the same time, I felt nothing but isolation, which is the main theme in Benjamin Booker’s “The Slow Drag Under.” Everything about the tone of this song reminds me of how I would feel in those brief moments of sobriety, which would only last so long as I lived literally three doors down from my primary drug dealer.

Frank Ocean’s “Solo” is that lilting but not-entirely-transparent tale of a self-effacing kid trying to find any way to cope with his issues other than actually addressing them head-on—it’s not exactly a cautionary tale, but it certainly doesn’t glamorize the frequent weed smoking and sexual indulgence that I had been embarking on throughout the semester. The haze was starting to break, and I was realizing that pretending things were fine wasn’t a sustainable way to live. Hence, “Fake Happy”, Hayley Williams and Paramore’s foray into self-analysis and social critique, a summer-y yet brutally honest mirror being held up to the listener:

“Oh please, don’t ask me how I’ve been

Don’t make me play pretend

Oh no, oh what’s the use

Oh please. I think everybody here is fake happy too.”

By the day after Christmas, the illusion had broken. Sitting in my bedroom at home, my parents presented me with a letter confirming the inevitable: I had, indeed, failed out of school. I was asked to take a semester off and return in the fall on probationary status, but considering how severely my mental state had deteriorated, it was clear I wouldn’t be able to return. Eryn Allen Kane’s sobering “Have Mercy”, a completely acapella track, conveys almost perfectly the loneliness I felt; like I was floating in space counting my blessings yet failing to account for most of them. I was slipping down into the water, without a care or sense of direction. I needed more help than I realized, and finally, I asked for help.

Chance’s “Same Drugs” and Ariana Grande’s blissful “breathin” are reflections on my move from hard illicit drugs to mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and cognitive behavioral therapy. My hallucinations completely disappeared by the end of the spring, I learned how to meditate, and started seeing a therapist, which helped me find the mental fortitude to enter the first serious romantic relationship of my life, which lasted a year and I have learned, over time, to be tremendously thankful for. Frank Ocean makes his second appearance on this playlist in the form of his single “Provider”, a smooth, watery track that analyzes the role a relationship or loved one plays in the life of someone who is learning how to deal with feelings that hadn’t experienced prior:

“Feelings you provide, I know I know.

Tonight I might change my life, all for you.”

I thought I was ready to change my life for her, and in a lot of ways, I did. That said, even though I stopped using hard drugs, I still would indulge (secretly) in copious amounts of weed when I would visit my friends at my single-semester alma mater. Considering how much I fought to keep my drug dependency from my family and especially my girlfriend, I still had a good amount of work to do on myself before I could fully commit and make those changes. The relationship ended in tumult, but thankfully as we’ve gotten older the ice has thawed and civility reigns.

I also had more work to do when it came to learning how to love myself for every part of myself, and that included my sexuality. It was something that I still hadn’t explored, and frankly, I wasn’t ready to until recently. I met a boy named Kevin, and while things never took off for us, he nonetheless played a tremendously pivotal role in my path to the self-love I possess today. Daniel Caesar’s “Get You” is a slow, psychedelic love song that cherishes the passion and intimacy that a fulfilling relationship brings, and Tyler The Creator’s “Garden Shed” is an anthemic, soaring coming out song that so perfectly puts my own experience into words I couldn’t have written it better:

“Garden shed, garden shed, garden shed, garden shed

For the garden

That is what I was hiding

That is what love I was I in

Ain't no reason to pretend

Garden shed, garden shed, garden shed

Garden shed for the garçons

Them feelings I was guarding

Heavy on my mind

All my friends lost

They couldn't read the signs

I didn't wanna talk and tell em' my location

And I didn't wanna walk

Truth is, since you kid, I thought it was a phase

Thought it would be like the phrase poof, gone

But, it's still going on.”

Kehlani’s acoustic celebration of same-sex love, “Honey”, continues this theme, echoed one final time by Whitney Houston’s timeless “Exhale”, which doubles as both an acknowledgement of my current emotional and mental state as well as a thank you to all of my previous romantic partners whom, though I wasn’t ready to love them all the way, taught me valuable lessons about both life and myself.

Enter the greatest song of all time (I’m only half kidding) in the form of John Mayer’s “Gravity”. I don’t really need to say much about this song, except that it means a lot to me. It’s a song that continues to bring me peace on every listen, a grounding presence when I need it most and one that focuses me and brings me back down to Earth, which if you’ll recall from the beginning of the playlist, I had been searching for my entire life.

The final three tracks on the playlist kind of wrap everything in a tight, pretty bow, and bring us back to the present. First we have Miles Davis’ “Take It or Leave It”, a quick, hypnotic instrumental track from his Bitches Brew sessions (a sonic palate cleanser, if you will), followed by “SAN MARCOS” by BROCKHAMPTON, a relatively new hip-hop group from South Central Los Angeles that I think is tremendous. This song sits near the end of their latest record and addresses everything from members working through their various mental illnesses, coming to terms with fame and realizing that while they’ve come quite far from where they started, there’s even more that life has to offer that they have yet to find.

“Maybe I'm broken, either way I'm clinging on closely

I know it's not healthy

Appreciate your patience, I know that I'm selfish

Do my best to be selfless, I know that I'm changing

I know that I'm changing.”

The thing that strikes me the most about BROCKHAMPTON is how unflinchingly honest they are in their lyrics. I felt the same way about Mac when he was alive—this willingness to put it all out there, to put your fallibility on paper, to epitomize humanity for the world to see is a show of breathtaking strength, one that I hope to achieve and am continually working towards.

The playlist comes to a close with the closing track from the aforementioned Swimming, “2009”, which shows Miller finding clarity and mental solitude that he had been chasing his whole life, much as I have. I see a lot of myself in Mac, honestly, but I’ll leave that for another time (that’s honestly a paper in itself…and maybe a therapy session or two.) “2009” is chillingly beautiful recognition that while we may not have it all together, that’s okay, because we’re getting there.

“Yeah they ask me what I'm smilin' for

Well, because I've never been this high before

It's like I never felt alive before

Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind than war

See me and you, we ain't that different

I struck the fuck out and then I came back swingin'

Take my time to finish, mind my business

A life ain't a life 'til you live it

I was diggin' me a hole big enough to bury my soul

Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own

My own, with these songs I can carry you home

I'm right here when you're scared and alone.”

With that, you have a general idea of who I am, where I’ve been, and where I am today. I won’t sit here and act like I have it all together, because I don’t. With that said, though, I’m sober, mentally stable, in a happy and loving relationship with an incredible woman, and allowing myself to be vulnerable and transparent with the people I hold close. I feel alive, and ready to come back swinging. For the first time in my already very long and simultaneously short life, I am awake, and I am happy. I have a renewed sense of purpose, an appreciation for life and the things that bring me joy, and a desire to pursue a career in education or anything that involves some sort of writing/literary analysis…

…which I’m sure you can gather from the fact that I just wrote the equivalent of my usual eight-page paper replete with SAT buzzwords even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t. Oh well!

#writing #personal #playlist #mine

0 notes