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grandlinedreams · 7 months

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[heads up!: cursing, brief mention of implied abuse (not from Zoro)]

“Just shut up, damn it! Go find someone else to pester instead of bugging me!”

He doesn’t mean it. The moment the words slip from his lips, he knows he’s going to regret it – especially since it’s born out of irritation over something that’s far from your fault. Training had not been going the way he wanted. Most recent injuries still healing, the stubborn, persistent ache of his body had steadily pushed him into a darker and darker mood.

And then you had come up to ask him a question – if he’d wanted something to drink, something to eat – and then the question that’d tipped him over the edge. “Shouldn’t you be resting instead of trying to train? I don’t think it’d be good for you to reopen something…”

And he’d snapped, eye blazing with fury as he jerked his arm out of your reach.

You freeze, arm dropping back to your side. He expects you to lash out, fire back – you know how to hold your ground, and he’s been a front-row witness to how sharp of a tongue you have when you’re (rightfully) pissed.

But you don’t.

Instead, your expression goes blank and you turn, slipping back down from the observation deck. In the absence of words, the hard click of your descent offers a finality that makes a chill slide down his spine.

He knows he should apologize, but pride is a difficult thing to swallow – especially when he knows he’s at fault for this. So he stays put, shoving down guilt in favor of resuming his training and pointedly ignoring the protest of his bandaged wounds.

By the time he comes down for dinner, Zoro is in a far better mood than he’d started with – he’s finally managed to get where he wants to with training, and his injuries have eased from persistent ache to a dull throb that he can tune out.

Entering the dining room and spotting you in your usual seat with the standard empty one beside you for him, he moves to take his seat – only to watch as you get to your feet and leave the table entirely.

“Where are you going? Are you feeling okay?” Nami’s the one to ask, just as confused by your abrupt behavior as Zoro is.

“I’m fine,” you answer, turning to give the navigator a reassuring smile. “Just remembered I wanted to watch the sunset, that’s all.”

Zoro watches you go, wondering if he’s forgotten some agreement the two of you’d made beforehand – and turns to find Nami staring at him. He frowns, already on the defensive. “What?”

“What did you do now?” Her tone is accusing, her eyes narrowing as Zoro’s temper flares once more.

“Why are you assuming I did something?”

Nami folds her arms across her chest, raising an eyebrow. “Because you’re not the most perceptive person around when it comes to anything but fighting,” she points out and he bristles, even though he knows she’s right. “Think, Zoro. I’m sure you should apologize for something.”

“No, I–” He halts. He does have something to apologize for, doesn’t he – how he’d yelled at you, the look you’d given him before turning and leaving. It’s clear that you’re still upset about that, and while he doesn’t blame you, like hell he’s going to admit that he did do something to Nami or anyone else. “Whatever. I’m leaving too.”

He gets to his feet and moves in the direction you’d gone, ignoring the mutter of what sounds suspiciously like “idiot” from behind him in favor of searching for you. True to your word, you’re up towards the bow of the Sunny, arms folded on the railing as you stare out at the ocean.

Apologize. It's easy, in theory ㅡ to say "I'm sorry" and wait for you to respond if you forgive him or not. And yet he can't quite shape the words, settling for the next best thing.

Pretending nothing happened.

"Dinner's gonna go cold," he says as he approaches, and he doesn't miss the way you stiffen at the sound of his voice, but otherwise ignore him. "Want me to bring it out to you?" You don’t answer, and he can’t help the flare of frustration. Are you really going to ignore him like this? “Not talking to me now?"

Your hands curl against the railing. You've been trying your best not to think about earlier, the unpleasant memories it'd unearthed ㅡ and the fact that Zoro wants you to pretend like nothing happened only furthers the sour taste in your mouth.

'He isn't like that,' you tell yourself firmly. He has a hair-trigger temper that sparks over some of the dumbest things from time to time (especially where Sanji is involved), but it fizzles out quickly.

But you know the consequences of anger behind closed doors, away from prying eyes and ears ㅡ fingers brush your shoulder and adrenaline floods your veins, ripping you out of your unpleasant reverie as you jerk away, fixing Zoro with wide, frightened eyes. “Don’t touch me!”

Your voice isn’t loud enough to be heard by anyone else, but it still startles Zoro all the same – for the vehemence in your tone and the look that you’re giving him, like you’re afraid of him, that he’s going to – realization hits him harder than any enemy ever could.

Oh. Shit.

Of course you’d reacted the way you had earlier when he yelled at you, jerked so harshly away from you, arm raised as though he – he feels sick. How could he have forgotten? He knows he’d never do that to you, would never dream of it – but it hardly matters when he’d offered a blow of a different kind, just as devastating.

Apologize. He isn't even sure if that’ll fix the damage done now, but he can’t stand the idea of you being afraid of him. Shrinking at his voice, flinching any time he moves near you – he takes a step towards where you’re crouched now, trying to calm the panicked rhythm of your breathing.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and though he wants to touch you, he resists. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier. It wasn’t anything you did, I was in a bad mood and…that’s no excuse to raise my voice at you.”

You’re shaking. It’s minute, but he can still see the tremble of your limbs and it only drives the knife deeper, knowing he’s the one to blame for this – and then you’re lurching towards him, a choked yelp coming from him as he struggles to steady both of you. “Hey–”

“Idiot,” you whisper, hiding your face against his shoulder. “You’re an absolute moron, Roronoa Zoro.”

“I know.” Tentatively, he brings a hand up, cups the back of your head. “But I’m your moron, right? Your favorite idiot?”

Your hands fist into his shirt. “Unfortunately, yeah.” He hums, adjusting to hold you closer as your breathing slows into a steadier cadence. “Zoro. I don’t want you to think this means I’ve forgiven you.” You can feel him still against you, and you lift your face from his shoulder to look at him properly. “The next time you raise your voice at me like that–”

“There won’t be a next time,” he tells you firmly, conviction clear in his tone. “It won’t happen again.”

“Promise?”

His hand drifts from your hair to cup your cheek, relieved that you lean into his touch now. “I promise.”

#ㅡmine.#one piece x reader #one piece scenario #zoro roronoa x reader #zoro x reader #–ml: zoro.

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call-me-a-simp · 1 year

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Heal My Wounds

Frustration (Part 12)

Rhea Ripley x Reader

Tw: physical and sexual abuse, toxic relationship, selfharm, eating disorder

Summary: You are in a toxic relationship with an abusive man but manage to run away. A tall, black haired woman picks you up from the streets just in time so your ex doesn't get you. But who is she and why does she seem so familiar to you? As you get to know each other you start to notice weird feelings you never had before whenever she's around.

The weeks passed by and you grew more and more confident with your girlfriend Rhea. For example that you spoke up when something wasn't right.

But you still didn't dare to show her your body. Sometimes when you felt good and confident enough, you would let her see your upper body only wearing a bra, but it didn't happen very often.

As time went by Rhea grew more and more frustrated, she wanted you desperately but you didn't let her, always telling her to "help herself".

So one evening Rhea made a decision.

"Hey baby" she says, hugging you from behind and kissing your neck as you stand in front of the kitchen isle slicing some cucumber for a salad.

"Hey" you smile "How was your day?" "Mmh just the usual" she hums in response. She continues to kiss you until you finally put the knive away.

You turn around, wrap your arms around her neck and kiss her on the lips. Oh how you loved it. You pull away and she pouts a little.

You chuckle and turn back around to finish cutting the cucumber. "Hey, uhm, I think we need to talk y/n.." Demi says hesitantly.

Please don't tell me it's about what I think it it.. "Ye sure, what is it" you say, trying to sound as confident as you can.

You set the knive aside and turn to face Rhea. She was leaning against the counter looking down and fidgeting with her hands.

"You know I.." she lets out a sigh trying to calm down a little. "Don't get me wrong okay, I know about your past and everything but- it's just.. "

Uhh it's what I think it is.. ".. I'm a little.. Frustrated you know? Like.. Sexually.."she almost whispers the last word.

You take a deep breath and run a hand through your hair. "never mind, I shouldn't have brought it up.." Rhea quickly says and walks away.

"No, Rhea" you say desperate and follow her into the bedroom and sit down next to her. "Hey baby" you speak calmly.

"It's good that you brought it up, it's something we need to talk about sooner or later anyway." She nods.

"Okay so, I know I'm not easy when we get to things like that but.. Maybe we could start of slow?"

"We're already taking things slow don't you think?"

"You know what I mean"

Rhea sighs "okay, so what about you start by finally taking off your bra in front of me?" she asks.

"I think I could handle that" you reply and kiss her cheek. Rhea smiles and pulls you in for another kiss on the lips.

It gets heated pretty quickly and Rhea pushes you down onto the bed. She straddles you and deepens the kiss. You tense up as her hands move too far down.

"Fuck" she curses "sorry babe" she gets off you and runs a stressed hand through her hair. "I'm sorry I just.."

You laugh. "it's okay, don't worry" you get up, walk towards her and kiss her again. "I liked it.. until your hand took care of itself" you grin.

"Oh you did?" she smirks. She leans down to whisper something in your ear "wait till I can show what else this hand can do"

She backs away leaving you flustered. You got to admit, that was pretty damn sexy.

You return to the kitchen to finish your salad and then join her on the couch, watching a movie.

At one point you lean over to her and whisper "I can't wait to see what else this hands can do to me" Demi immediately tenses up, trying not to show how excited she got at that.

"Hmm I bet I will need to carry you around for the rest of the day then. Maybe even for a week cause I bet that'll be the best sex you ever had" she claims.

---------------------------------------------------

Paaaart 12.. I think.. Anyway, enjoy. The smut isn't that far away anymore ;)

Taglist:@babybatlover @legit9thlunaticwarrior @thatonepansexual2000

#demi bennett #rhea ripley #rhea ripley x reader #wrestling #wwe x reader #ex boyfriend #fear #mami rhea #relationship #sex talk

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cynical-canidae · 8 months

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I had an epiphany yesterday lying awake in bed and now I completely understand Aziraphale's motivations and decisions in s2e6. This is coming from someone who on first watch-through was also upset with Aziraphale. However, I have changed my mind. Instead, I am deeply saddened for him.

Some of this may be obvious, but bear with me. I will try to be to the point, but I am a rambler. So come along for the ride!! I talk about emotionally abusive parents, so if that bothers you, don't read on.

Crowley's relationship with his parent (God/Heaven) is meant to symbolize that of someone who has been disowned/cut them out of their life. And Aziraphale's relationship with his parent (God/Heaven) is that of one who still has that figure in their life. Someone who still has to interact with them. Someone who has not separated themself from their source of trauma, so it keeps happening/they have had no time to heal. From personal experience, this creates a very complex dynamic between you and your parent figure/abuser, and exploring this PERFECTLY explains why Aziraphale does what he does.

Here is why.

When you have an emotionally abusive parent, it's really, REALLY hard to unpack. You are taught that your parent can do no wrong. They're always right. If they do something awful to you, then it must be your fault. You learn to associate this treatment with love. Because that's the thing, isn't it? They love you. They tell you they love you. They're doing this "because they love you." They want "what's best for you." You're ungrateful if you think otherwise.

It can be super hard to grow out of this mindset because your self-worth becomes solely dependent on your ability to make them happy and please them. Even if you can acknowledge that they are abusive, it still takes a lot to stop associating their approval with being loved and having a purpose.

It is even harder when you have not separated yourself from this constant cycle. It can be so, so frustrating because YOU love THEM. You probably shouldn't, but you do. You WANT to make it work. You WANT their approval. You WANT this happy world where they can magically be like "Oh, I understand the error of my ways. Let's be a proper, happy family from now on." Even if they have been abhorrent to you and you can acknowledge that, you still love them. It would be so much easier if you didn't, but you do.

That's why you keep hope. You defensively keep them at arm's length. Sometimes, you see moments where you truly believe they could change. Maybe they do something nice or maybe they respect a boundary they didn't before. These moments stay with you even when they cross that same old line. The moment you feel like "maybe everyone was right. Maybe I would be better off without them," these moments drag you through the bad times. It's why people saying "why don't you just leave them?" is so frustrating (though it may be true). Because you have this optimistic idea of how things could be in your head. You would rather keep trying than admit that your parent doesn't truly love you. You would rather keep trying because your brain thinks their approval is the one thing that you can't live without.

Does this sound familiar?

Aziraphale is the culmination of millions and millions of years of mommy issues, and in s2e6, he's just been given a whole platter of things to doubt himself on. The Archangel Gabriel actually feels the same way, very done with Heaven's bullshit. He even did this very forbidden, totally against regulation thing that Aziraphale has also kept quiet (falling in love with your "hereditary enemy"). The Metatron, who Aziraphale was definitely NOT keen on beforehand, is actually surprisingly understanding and kind. To which Aziraphale pointedly says he believes HE (Zira) misjudged them (The Metatron). SO understanding, in fact, to the point that The Metatron even shows what could be acceptance of Aziraphale working with Crowley. Even perhaps reinstating them to be an angel.

This is very important because this is what every person in this situation dreams of hearing. Your abusive parent admitting that they might have made a mistake. They were wrong. Because if they're wrong, that means that what you believe about yourself (it's all your fault the way they treated you; it's not fixable) can possibly be wrong, too. The Metatron saying that to Aziraphale means Heaven could have been in the wrong for casting out Crowley. (NOT at ALL that Crowley is not good enough for Heaven.) That Heaven has the capacity to change for the better and continue doing good even greater than before.

So I really don't think Aziraphale was drugged or anything like that at all. I think he is unwilling to let go of this hope of Heaven changing for the better, which is why he was so, SO excited to share the news. Saying he "wasn't as devastated" by their little breakup or doing it to be malicious is incredibly not true. He loves Crowley just as much. They certainly need to work on their communication, yes, obviously.

However, they ultimately disagreed on this one little thing. EXACTLY LIKE the Gabriel situation. Crowley's solution is to be as far away from the danger as possible. And Aziraphale's solution is to try to fix it. The disagreement in the beginning of the season foreshadowed their disagreement at the very end of this season. Only this time, they've run out of ridiculous "apology" dances and bandaid solutions to distract from the fact they won't talk to each other.

Thank you for reading my word vomit lmao. 🫰🐺

#kris shut up #good omens #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #aziraphale #crowley #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #theory #but really just a character analysis #i guess #mommy issues #they both need therapy #ineffable bureaucracy #text #the metatron #cynical-canidae

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phantasmiafxndom · 2 years

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How about the obey me brothers with an owner who is VERY involved in helping them recover from their abusive homes, maybe to the point of overstepping. They’re trying to give them space but they still give daily check ups and grooming sessions and make sure they eat well, much more than they boys are used to getting or think is “little”

Lucifer

He does not appreciate what you're trying to do. He's not the kind of demon who's meant to be coddled, so all of this attention is both utterly wasted and an insult to his pride. Lucifer doesn't take your attempts to help him heal very well, especially if he feels like you're patronizing him in any way. He's survived everything that's been done to him before, and there's no need for that to change now. And yet... he's still instinctively preening under the attention.

Mammon

As much as the overwhelming amount of attention makes him nervous, Mammon is nothing if not greedy for whatever he can get. Even though he should really know better than to just accept your kindness, if anything, he accepts it a little too readily. There's plenty of bad behavior and trying your patience involved, but Mammon is enjoying the constant spoiling enough to hope that maybe, maybe you might be serious about being nice.

Leviathan

It absolutely terrifies him. Leviathan is barely used to being noticed, let alone being the focus of someone's complete and utter attention. No matter how much you insist that you just want to help him feel more comfortable, he looks like he wants to hide every time you get close. But... there's still a part of him that wants to be spoiled. Even if he's too shy to admit it and too scared to let it happen, he's really hoping you'll keep going with the nice things.

Satan

You have a tough road ahead of you, that's for sure. Satan is capable of being polite under normal circumstances— but having you constantly in his space is not a normal circumstance. He gets aggressive when you're too pushy (though he never hurts you), and that just ends up stressing him out even more. And of course, he doesn't trust you. You're nice, weirdly nice, but all he can think is that you're setting him up to have his hopes crushed, somehow.

Asmodeus

While he's not sure if he trusts your kindness to be genuine, that doesn't really matter. Asmodeus wants attention more than he cares about being safe, so he'll delightedly eat up every second of your efforts to help him "recover". It doesn't take him long at all to get attached— his feelings for you are the kind he's learned in a far worse environment, though. He doesn't know what to do with a proper home, but he can't just sit by and wait for it to end.

Beelzebub

So long as you feed him, he's content. Beelzebub trusts easily, much too easily, so a few regular meals are all it takes to have him convinced you're a good person. He still gets nervous when you're too overbearing or affectionate, but he really does believe you're trying to help. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier to talk himself out of the responses learned from years of abuse, so he still needs something of an adjustment period to it all.

Belphegor

Nope, nope, nope. Belphegor has absolutely zero faith in what you're trying to do, and he makes that opinion plenty clear. In his mind, you're trying to trick him. He doesn't know the exact plan yet, but there has to be some ulterior motive behind a human being so nice. And of course, he doesn't take well to the constant attention, either. You're bound to have him snap or lash out at you at some point... which is when he gets scared instead.

#Obey Me #Lucifer #Obey Me Lucifer #Mammon #Obey Me Mammon #Leviathan #Obey Me Leviathan #Satan #Obey Me Satan #Asmodeus #Obey Me Asmodeus #Beelzebub #Obey Me Beelzebub #Belphegor #Obey Me Belphegor #Headcanon #Reader #OM Pet Au

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aro-culture-is · 11 months

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Yo so I am confused. I can't tell if I'm aromantic or of I'm just terrified of other people. Like I love sex, big ole slut 10 out of 10, and my friendships are deep and expansive. But when someone wants to hold my hand or does I become physically nauseous. I've been like this since I was 17. I have had long term relationships where I was comfortable holding hands but that hasn't happened in 5 years. Non sexual affectionate touch makes me so uncomfortable and claustrophobic.

And in my past relationships where I did finally feel comfortable holding hands and cuddling, I have been cheated on, sa, given a sexual transmitted infection because my partner was cheating on me, promises never fulfilled, taken advantage of financially, ect.

How do I tell if I'm like this cause I don't trust people or because I'm aromantic? Do I need to heal more or is this not a changeable thing? How do people tell?

hi!

i think this is a fairly complex question, and the answer is going to be similarly complex. to start with, I'm glad that you are comfortable with your sexuality and know yourself so well! I am also so incredibly sorry that you have experienced the trauma of a bad relationship.

As far as your questions go: I think it's restrictive to phrase it as two options,

I am aromantic and not traumatized by other people

I am traumatized by other people and not aromantic.

I'd strongly encourage you to consider that it is not only possible, but entirely normal to be both aromantic and to have experienced trauma around other people, even to have become aromantic due to trauma, and that whether or not one "stops" being aromantic during trauma healing is generally a question as complex as the trauma itself.

I think the only way to know if trauma has influenced your orientation is to allow yourself the time and space to heal. If it is at all reasonable for you, find a therapist. The majority of individuals have had some level of traumatic histories, and it's really important to have a neutral 3rd party that can help you untangle your thoughts the way a therapist is trained to. If you find that you don't click with something about your therapist, practice articulating that to them. It's normal and expected that not every patient and therapist click, and you can absolutely ask to try something different, and failing that, transfer to a different individual.

Due to the complexity of trauma therapy, we can't offer you a simple answer, or a simple question to ask yourself. We grew up in an emotionally abusive family, and as we've learned to heal, we've become more and more certain in our aromantic identity. Others find themselves able to let others be closer, and may find themselves experiencing attraction in circumstances similar to or different from before their trauma. Others still will find themselves feeling stronger attraction than before their trauma, and may even accept that they may have repressed more attraction before the trauma they knew of. I can't tell you where you'll fall - only time, space, and patience will tell.

However it goes, I think it's valuable to enter therapy knowing it is normal to experience worries around trauma and its impacts on you, and it is likewise hard to admit that perhaps you've never really learned how to heal. Your therapist will likely ask your goal in therapy; don't worry about having a perfect answer. You can just as easily say "I am struggling with my identity due to past relationships, and I'd like to explore my identity without feeling so weighed down" as "Some thoughts have been weighing me down, and I don't know how to handle them. I'm hoping for help, and I don't know what that looks like yet." This isn't graded - this is just an initial chance to understand why you came in, and how you think.

the tldr really comes down to, "right now, you are probably aromantic and have trauma. With a therapist, you can work through that trauma and explore yourself without trauma weighing you down."

I hope this helps! this will be filed under both "am i aro" and "advice".

#Anonymous #not aro culture #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod kee #mod axel #am i aro #advice #trauma is hard and recovery is possible #long post

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forcedhesitation · 5 months

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this undeniably has to be one of the worst opinions I've seen about this season. like out of the plentiful failures season 4 had... you really couldn't choose one to talk about? max's mental health was one of the only things that I felt season 4 handled pretty damn well.

I do think it could have been better written, yes. the ending of her arc in season 4 was....insulting at best.

but overall? the show does a great job of addressing that max actually hated billy (she literally fucking admits to wishing for his death) and that her grief is more complicated than just missing a person. because she wasn't missing a person! she was ultimately glad billy was gone. but even in death, he torments her.

she watched a person she grew up with be brutally murdered by some fleshy abomination, RIGHT in front of her. her shitbag step father bailed on her and her mother after billy died, forcing them to move to the trailer park. her mother abuses alcohol and is never home because she's always working so they can afford to live in the trailer park. her friend group has been split in two by the byers moving away, which took el away from her too. she doesn't know how to reach out to lucas, deep down doesn't feel she deserves his love & concern, despite lucas' best efforts (vecna literally taunts her with lucas turning on her at the final confrontation). she wished so badly to have someone like steve in billy, but she knows that billy would never be that person. he was the complete opposite & she can't just have steve in his place. she mourns the brother she never had. she is devastated by the way billy still hurts her, even after he's gone.

she's what. fourteen??? when this all happens?

like the death of an abuser is never so simple as "hooray! I am so very joyous now that the source of my pain is gone!" the damage an abuser inflicts on you is not some cut to the skin that can be healed and one day forgotten. it's so much more tortuous than that. especially for a child.

#stranger things #thoughts about media #“her trauma was so unserious because I cannot critically engage with a TV show in a way that transcends clout chasing on social media"#stranger things fans on twitter continuing to prove that they are the worst. business as usual I suppose.#I only clicked the trending tag because I figured little lord zionism had once again said something repulsive.#or that another cast member had defended his or the other lunatic's odious words.#nope. schnapp apparently has no work lined up after st5. which is lovely news. may he rot thoroughly.#and then this ridiculous post.#you know. the smallest spark of recognition flickered in my mind when I saw the user's url. so this can't be the first time.#however- I did not have them blocked. HA! they sure are now! although I'm sort of curious what awful opinions they've shared before.#eh- but most certainly not curious enough to waste my time and risk reading some utter garbage about steve.#the block button is not enough for those who slander steve's good name.

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uptoolateart · 1 year

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Perfection and Migration really got me thinking about Marinette's behaviour and recalling that I went through something similar, as a teenager.

The thing about a fantasy is that, quite often, we're secretly scared of it coming true, because we don't know what to do with it.

When it's all in our heads, we can control everything. I would get crushes on boys and mentally write scripts for them. But if I actually talked to them...there was no script. They were free to say whatever they wanted, and it might not be what I wanted.

Think of Cat Walker - that was Marinette's ideal, handed to her on a plate, and she didn't like it. Fantasies only really work in our minds.

After watching Derision, I want to add to this.

Back when Ephemeral first aired, there was something about the reveal scene in the alleyway that felt like a euphemism for sharing an intimate moment with someone for the first time. It's the way Adrien said he was happy to wait until she was 'ready'. I know, I know, 'it's a children's show', but I think we all can agree that it's written in a way that conveys more grown-up ideas whilst also being something my six-year-old can watch.

The conversation between Adrien and Marinette at the end of Derision felt similar. Ultimately, she was coming to terms with a repressed memory of abuse - specifically, bullying, but it could have been anything. Upon finally facing that memory, she felt able to commit to moving forward. I was pleased to see her refuse his hand again and say she still wasn't 'ready'...because no one just has an epiphany and magically gets over abuse. As in Ephemeral, Adrien said he would wait for her. 'We have time.'

Marinette seems most afraid of physical touch - unless she's behind a mask, where she can pretend it isn't happening to her. This can be explained by the bullying story they showed us, but it's also a clear sign of trauma suffered from prior abuse.

(As an aside, this is definitely the kind of thing someone at their age could be dealing with...sadly.)

Now let's jump back to what she said about refusing to give her heart to another person unless she truly knows everything about them. In Migration, Luka told Adrien that we all basically wear different hats when we're with different people. It's actually impossible to know everything about a person.

What we're all hoping is that behind the too-good-to-be-true facades of the Adriens in our lives, there's a secret Cat Noir waiting to be found...because he's not too-good; he's just good. But we can't know that for sure.

In Derision, Adrien himself admitted he was scared he might hurt her one day - because sometimes we hurt those we love without even meaning to. Little does Adrien know he already has hurt her. Can anyone say Cat Blanc? I mean, if she really knew everything about him, she'd know that potential lies inside him....

So what can we do? Extend trust. This is why we keep seeing Adrien / Cat Noir say things like, 'Do you trust me?' and always with that hand stretched out for her to take.

He has made so many leaps of faith for her, because that's his nature. He's been abused too, though I don't think physically - but he still wears his heart on his sleeve. That's pretty brave...and rare. He's waiting for her to make a leap of faith for him, in return.

When she does, it will signal personal healing for her - not because she needs a boy in her life to be whole but because we all crave connection of some kind. You can't cut everyone out and be happy.

Neither of them realise it (especially him), but this even involves a leap of faith that Adrien will somehow deal with the Cat Blanc inside him. We saw a hint of this when he nearly cataclysmed Kim. Ladybug stopped him and later told him that's why there are two of them - to be there for each other, even if it means saying, 'Hey, you're crossing a line, here.' She knows it's all in there...but she keeps him from going too far. That's trust in his better nature.

To sum up: Marinette is learning what we all must learn - that life is hard and some people are cruel, and the only thing we can do about it is to keep moving forward. To let our abusers / bullies crush our ability to love and trust is to let them win. Fantasies of perfect scenarios are never satisfying. The surprises of real-life interaction are what keep us growing and evolving. Real people are always better than the ones in our heads, even if there's the risk that they might hurt us.

Please no post-Derision spoilers in the comments. I'm watching in order. Thank you :)

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chumpovodir · 4 months

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You got into an argument with a Lenore simp on Reddit who is 100% convinced that she was a perfect angel who loved him from the get-go

My post on Twitter about how Hector should have shown more resentment and Lenore more guilt attracted the attention of three Lenector shippers who started to converse under my thread about how much Lenore "deserved" better (I didn't even attempt to follow their conversation, both because Twitter sucks as a confrontation platform and because where do I even begin)

I guess this week is Lenector Week. Can't say I'm thrilled.

Anyway I love when Hector in the games ran away from his mad Lord who was forcing him into a life he didn't want and then found love in a woman who came to genuinely like him as a person and human being 💖 I love when a victim of abuse finds their hard-earned freedom away from their abuser and they can heal properly 💖 I love when abusers pay for what they've done and are shown as being terrible people 💖 and most importantly, I love the them 💖

(to be fair, the dudes on my thread were being very civil when they disagreed with each other about some stuff, and sometimes they even said things I agreed with, such as "Isaac didn't deserve that big happy ending after all the shit he did in S3". Always nice to see I'm not the only one who thinks Isaac was too much of a darling babyboy of the narrative. Too mad it always came from the perspective of "if everyone got a sappy happy ending, then Hector and Lenore deserved one too, it's not fair", which I'd say is a childish way to see a story 🙄 and i'm being generous and not calling them out for ignoring lenore's actions. at least one of those people admitted they wanted to see them addressed properly before they could move on. baby steps.)

i wish that person's argument was just that Lenore was a perfect angel who twuwy wuvs Hector. i don't really take issue with people seeing Lenore as more compassionate than how she's presented, there's some stuff in the show that supports that view but i had to draw the line with the way they were very insistently downplaying or even justifying that it's okay Hector was essentially raped because he got a better bargain in the end. the wording "it was for his own good" is especially vile

the sticking point for me is that while, yes, she did manage to secure a better position for him, it still stands the way she went about it was downright heinous - she did not have to do any of that. especially when it was already established that she's supposed to be this master manipulator diplomat who holds all the cards, while Hector is easily manipulated to begin with, and has since the end of S2 been suffering indignity after indignity that no doubt already wore down his spirit. the situation was already so stacked in favor of Hector complying out of his own self-interest, i dont even know why the enslavement ring has to exist, and has to specifically be activated by the wearer declaring their loyalty except as a really roundabout way to justify that sex scene happening. it could've still been a magical ring that binds the wearer to a master, which she then could've tricked Hector into wearing by way of something innocuous like trying to show him they're all equals or something. the point is, the whole situation was set up in a way where she's clearly taking advantage of him, and because they just had to introduce a sexual element to it, people should just call a spade a spade and say she raped him because that's what happened. even if she didn't she was taking advantage of him for her own gain and that should be recognized as being y'know. a bad thing that outweighs any good she got out of it for Hector.

i know that person was probably viewing it super positively as a kink thing they enjoy, but the whole basis of kink is mutual consent which obviously none of that was and was just. so frustrating and lowkey kind of worrying to see someone just. not able to see a horrible, toxic relationship for what it is, just because it wasn't outright abusive.

also ahhhhh Hectaly my beloveds <3 their story is much simpler but do you really need more than that?

sounds like you got the better end of the deal lmao. it seems to me like Lenector shippers are at least willing to acknowledge all the parts of their (hypothetical) relationship, and it would actually be interesting to see how that would develop from such a rocky place. it felt like there should have been an entire extra season between S3-S4 to explore not just this, but the rest of the plotlines properly, and also build up to those happy endings

#anti netflixvania #<- for tagging purposes

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signoraviolettavalery · 6 months

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I got stuck in the rain today, and consequently ended up with some vampire!Bojan scenes that are frankly too long and important to stick in a non-searchable chat so y'all are in luck today :) :)

(also psst I have no idea how tattoos actually work so I made up some utter nonsense please disregard my lack of medical knowledge, I'm sure @touchyourblood will correct me shortly tho)

This is all a while into their marriage, once Bojan has found out the extent of the abuse Jan has been through and Jan has started healing and figuring out that all the things he's been told and taught and internalized are....wrong.

It's a hot day and Jan stretches out and fans himself, complaining a little about the heat.

"You can go swimming," Bojan suggests. "I don't know if you know, but there's a lovely lake through the woods behind our castle."

"But....people will see my body," he protests.

"Do you not want them to see your body?" Bojan asks gently.

Jan needs a moment to think about that. Gaspar had always put him on display, in every way, and he hated being stared at. And he would be looked at, he'd be recognized as Bojan's husband. On the other hand, it's been years, and Bojan has never shown him off. Perhaps he'd be fine with it. But although he doesn't know the answer to that question, he does know that there's a more pressing issue.

"I don't know," he admits. "But what about - do you want them to see my body?" Isn't it Bojan's to show off? He can't imagine going by himself, stripping off his clothes, letting everyone look without Bojan beside him, an everpresent reminder of who Jan belongs to.

Bojan looks at him in that way he has, when Jan says something that reveals just how different his understanding of things is from Bojan's.

"Oh Jan," he says, in that gentle voice he always uses whenever that happens. He closes the distance between them, puts hands on his shoulders. They're at the point now where Jan feels comfortable with Bojan's touch, welcomes it, even. He knows Bojan won't hurt him or violate his boundaries. It took him a long, long time to believe that, but he does now, and it's exhilarating to be able to find comfort in touch. "You can show as much of your body as you'd like or as little. Go swimming if you want. It's your choice. It's not mine."

It's what Jan has been slowly learning for years now.

He does go swimming. He does get stared at - they know whose husband he is - especially when he takes off his shirt and bares his body. But no one says anything. If he's here, by himself, exposing him in this way, he must have permission. A hunter bride would never forsake their duty so much as to disobey in such a blatant and public way, would never shame themselves and their family.

But they do stare. At his body, pristine and perfect (Gaspar had been so careful to never leave a permanent mark, for all his violence). The fading bite on his neck. He tries to ignore their stares, and once he's in the water, he forgets all about them, reveling in the coollnes of it, diving down, splashing around. Feeling a little like a child again. and then, lying down in the sunshine to dry off with a book, listening to the peaceful calling of birds.

.....

Jan discovers Bojan has a tattoo. Perhaps sometime when they're lying together, talking, exchanging gentle touches, but there's nothing sexual there. Not yet. They haven't even seen each other naked yet, Bojan always feeding by carefully drawing aside Jan's collar. But it's hot, and he's wearing short-shorts, and his thigh is very, very visible.

"I've always wanted a tattoo," Jan admits.

Bojan doesn't ask why he didn't get one. They both know. His body wasn't his; it had been kept pristine for eighteen years in order to be given to someone else. A perfect blank slate.

"Do you still want one?" he asks.

"Yeah," he admits. "But I know I can't," he adds, so that Bojan doesn't think he doesn't know his place.

"Why not?" Bojan asks softly. Patiently.

"Because - " the words almost spill out so easily. Because his body belongs to Bojan. Because it's Bojan's choice. Because Bojan owns him. But as soon as he thinks it, he remembers what Bojan has been so patiently reiterating, and he's been so slowly learning.

"I don't own you," Bojan reiterates, once he's seen the comprehension in Jan's eyes. "Gaspar was wrong to believe otherwise, and wrong to make you believe it too."

"It wasn't just Gaspar," Jan says quietly. "My upbringing - we're trained, you know." He's never told Bojan much about that part. "Brought up to be the perfect bride. They teach us to obey, and to serve, and they instill in us that we all but belong to our husband."

"Well, they're all wrong," Bojan says. "A marriage is a contract, a vow, a promise. It's not ownership. If you want a tattoo, you should get a tattoo. And," he adds, "if you need my permission, you have it."

Jan loves him all the more for that last part. Because he's been slowly learning this lesson, that his body is his and Bojan doesn't own him, but it's a frightening, terrifying fact to stare at head-on sometimes, one that makes him feel helpless and unmoored. He feels paralyzed by it. But Bojan's permission - even if it's permission to do whatever he wants to do - is like a comforting touch in the darkness.

Bojan accompanies him to the tattoo parlor. Jan could have managed on his own, he suspects, but it's comforting to have Bojan there, not to mention it gets rid of a lot of difficulties and questions such as "did your husband give you permission?" that he'd inevitably be asked otherwise.

"My husband would like a tattoo," he informs them at the parlor, and they don't ask beyond that. They don't ask whether it's really Jan who wants the tattoo, and Bojan is indulging him, or if it's really Bojan's desire. They merely nod and say "of course, my lord. Right this way."

He takes off his shirt. He's aware of the gazes on him, and he thought he'd hate them more, but he doesn't. With Bojan's presence here, he feels calm.

"Tell them what you want," Bojan encourages. And though the artist is startled that Jan seems to be the one doing the deciding here, they don't dare say anything. Perhaps they think he's being an indulgent husband and Jan has pleased him enough to merit such indulgence?

He tries not to think about it and simply explains how he'd like a hummingbird, bright and colorful, over his ribs, on the left side, its needlelike beak pointing to his heart.

The artist busies himself making a sketch, while the man who seems like the owner turns to them with a serious expression.

"We can do what you desire, but you should know the task is...more complicated when the subject is a hunter."

"Complicated how?" Bojan asks.

"A tattoo is an injury to the body. Without the injury, the mark would not be permanent. And hunters are ...more durable. They heal faster, more easily," the man explains, facing Bojan more than Jan. "The process therefore requires magic, to slow the healing, to make the image permanent. It also increases the level of pain," he adds, seemingly an afterthought for Bojan to consider.

"I see," Bojan says. "And I assume you can work this magic?"

"Our artist can," the man assures him. "Should you desire it."

Bojan tactfully doesn't correct him as to whose desire is involved here. He merely looks at Jan questioningly.

Jan simply nods at him. Whatever pain they speak off, he has no doubt it will be negligible compared to what Gaspar put him through regularly.

And, when they take the needle to his skin, it really is....well, not negligible, but. It is far from the worst he'd endured.

Gaspar had always loved his cries, his screams, his pain, so he'd learned not to hold them back. To let them fall from his lips, though the irony was, the more Gaspar put him through, the more used he became to pain, the more it required to draw cries from him. And Gaspar could always tell if he was faking. So now, with the fine needle stabbing his skin, he winces slightly, but it's far from drawing any sort of cry from him. It's quite easy, in fact, to lie back and let his mind wander.

Bojan sits by him, playing with his hair and twining their fingers together. He finds he enjoys the comforting touch, and then Bojan distracts him, starts telling him the story behind his own tattoo, and before he knows it, it's over. They're finished, with instructions on how to care for it - again given to Bojan rather than Jan.

#vampire!bojan #tattoos #can you tell I want a tattoo

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sallyastral · 8 months

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I received this comment under this post. I admit I oversimplified what I wanted to say, so I think it might be interesting to answer more specifically also taking into account my knowledge of psychology, which I am still studying in high school.

First of all, I never said that the relationship between Miles and Gwen could be abusive or manipulative: I rather think that, due to their traumas and their poor management of emotions (especially on Gwen's part, who is still clearly hurt by Peter's death), they would unconsciously hurt themselves psychologically. A manipulative relationship is made up of a stronger subject and a weaker one, where the first is able to apply his supremacy over the other, but this does not seem to be the case at all.

I also think that the one who would suffer the most after the events of ATSV is Miles, for multiple reasons. First of all, it seems that many underestimate his trauma: remember that Miles witnessed two murders in one day at the age of 14, and had to cope with the loss for a year and a half completely alone. While Gwen had Jess and then Hobie to help her cope, Miles couldn't tell anyone about his identify or the fact he literally saw his uncle get shot. It was also confirmed by Sony, with the announcement of the release of a short film focused on this, that Miles suffers from panic attacks so strong that they give him actual hallucinations.

The only hold Miles had was Gwen, the only person who, if she had been there, could have understood what he was going through. And although many (the film itself does so) romanticize his obsession with Gwen, trust me when I tell you that from a psychological point of view it is a very bad sign: it is a symptom of dependency.

As I already mentioned, Gwen too is still hurting and coping, helped a bit by Hobie's company, she's still not ready. Her speech about Gwen Stacy falling in love with Spider-Man and everything going shit was her way to tell Miles "I'm not ready, because I'm afraid I'll fuck up everything."

They are two teenagers coping with massive losses in their lives with no psychological help.

And as we saw in ATSV, Miles was even more hurt and traumatized by what happened, abruptly destroying his obsession for Gwen. The whole Spider Society thing is far from being even half solved actually, it just started, and Miles will probably hardly forgive Gwen for what she did.

But if he did forgive her easily and he reverted back to his old self (thing I hope doesn't happen because it would just erase Miles' growth), realistically, their relationship would become codependency, which is a relationship in which neither partner is whole in themselves, but together they sort of mesh into a single, functional unit. These relationships are uncommonly stable, while they last, because each partner needs what the other provides, and outwardly the relationship can seem healthy and happy, but the longer it persists, the more the dysfunctions become apparent.

In conclusion: I don't think they'd work now, but maybe in the future, healing from their losses and traumas, they could actually work. Just not in BTSV and the immediate future.

To reference another comment I got under the same post no, I don't think two people with issues can't stay together. They can, if their relationship doesn't end up in codependency. Issues or not, codependency is always unhealthy.

#spiderman atsv #spiderman across the spiderverse #atsv #character analysis #miles molares #gwen stacy

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astorichan · 6 months

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soooo like bug romance right?

I have literally never thought of bug game in romantic terms, especially not between the higher beings

It’s always been a lot of…familial bonds, and how they’re messed with/exploited

But

you seem to have bug romance on the brain

and I wanna know

I wanna know how that recontextualizes this game

please

I’m so sorry for bothering you so much your rambles are just so cool

bug romance hehehehe

i kind of went in with the same view: came for the sibling dynamics between Hollow & Ghost (mainly) + Hollow & PK family dynamics. Then I happened upon a single line in another fic that ripped my heart out and sent me into a recontextualisation night-long spiral. (misread the tags on it, oop) The line was "And it felt terribly alone without her." Hollow @ Radi.

So yeah, that was the first ship I got into. It resonated with me very hard due to some history, so I was able to really... care about it and the dynamics at play. (my aro ass needs to get very invested to ship characters lol)

BUT enough intro, let me actually ramble:

RadiHollow is the first of my two ships. It's based on several factors, first of them being that those two spent an indefinite (I personally headcanon 300-400 years) amount of time completely isolated from the world. Alone with only each other for company. We know that Radi is horrible at loneliness, her history/the entire thing with Higher Beings requiring worship to live alludes to it a lot: the whole reason the infection broke out was that she'd been forgotten by the moths. Left behind. Left alone. The next factors are my own view of their characters. Radi as I write her is an extremely self-centered person, incapable of ever admitting any fault, incapable of ever being wrong, incapable of ever not being in control. She's manipulative and very emotionally abusive in an... insidious, "you just can't appreciate my love", way. So not "hehe torture fun". Hollow is someone who never viewed themself as a real person. Their feelings, wants, thoughts are not important. They have not experienced kindness for who they were. They also tend to blame themself for anything bad that happens. Couple those two in complete isolation (which, isolation is one of the first steps an abuser will take to gain control over their victim), with Radi showing Hollow genuine kindness despite their failure, despite them being her enemy, despite everything. She has an "I will fix you" mentality; she sees them as a poor, downtrodden person who only needs to be loved enough to fall on her side. To see that she was right all along. They hate each other, of course. They want to watch each other burn. They want to burn together. Radi wants to enter the new dawn together with them. They want to go down in flames together with her. They hate her, but the kindness makes it hard to only hate her. She hates them, but their empathy and responsiveness, their presence and pushback make it hard to only hate them.

Grollow is the second one, and it has direct relation to all the stuff I've said up there. I headcanon Grimm and Radi as siblings (""? as much as beings of pure magic can be siblings. their relationship is definitely familial), which means that Grimm is very intimately familiar with all of Radi's antics: the gaslighting, the manipulation, the blame-everyone-around, the disregard for his feelings, the blindness to what her love does to him. He's someone that understands Hollow, post-Radi. He's someone that knows what they've gone through. He's someone who's had similar experiences and had time to heal from them. He's someone who hates watching them suffer at her hands. And he's someone who sees them for the absolute mess that they are, knows most of what Radi could've done to them mentally and is willing to stay by their side. And somewhere along the way, they fall for each other. Somewhere along the way, Hollow grows comfortable with showing themself, with being themself. They stop clinging to their history with Radi, they grow past their (frankly, awful) learned responses. They realise just how much he's done for them, and they want to be the best version of themself, to be his support - if he will let them. He draws out the best in them. They draw out the best in him. They're mirrors of each other. They're pillars of support for one another. They're both willing to do anything for each other. Even if that anything is growing past spiteful pride and unwillingness to admit to fault. Even if that anything is opening up your heart to a potential knife, dropping a mask of playfulness and detachment, showing the vulnerable skin underneath.

My two ships. Proudly waving them around. There's more stuff to Grollow, namely PVxGrimm pairing (so, pre-Temple). Moon expands on that a bit (I think it's in the already posted chapter, even) and Dreams has it because of shared interests, shared character traits and, again, Grimm's unwillingness to coddle them or evade them for any reason. Means a lot to them.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SORRY don't you sorry me /lh I'm so glad for the opportunities to talk about my stuff. I love sharing my thoughts, headcanons, anything connected to the creative process honestly. It's a special kind of heartwarming. So no sorry, thank you for asking!

#answered asks #the-moth-from-elsewhere #i love rambling about stuff #grollow #radihollow #hk headcanons #these are so fun #there's a T rated fic i have for RadiHollow (Dreamsverse) if you want a closer look at that #name me a bird #my beloved babies #youre doing a lot for my muse lately sdfgfdsg thank you

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ms-cartoon · 11 months

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Hello! I like your HB takes and art. They are really good.

To me, I just get mad at Stolitz for Stolas because of how he sexually coerces Blitzø. I mean I don’t condone Blitzø using him to get the book at first, but the fact from the rest of that point onwards that he has to do once a month sex in order to keep using it even though Stolas could have just taken the book back. I just have difficult time viewing their relationship as anything involving love given with how season one started. With how he demeans Blitzø.

If they wanted him to find happiness away from his wife and to heal, then I don’t mind that. It’s just that they don’t write it that way sometimes and it shows. I can’t tell if they want him to be happy or if they want to make him exploring how abused people can become abusive or toxic too, which can happen, but from fandoms I’ve been in most fans don’t like that because it negatively portrays abuse victims. That many prefer them to have happy endings. Even if this is an adult oriented show, I doubt most are interested in watching toxic characters not help themselves. If that’s the case, can’t he at least acknowledge what he did to Blitzø and figure himself out first? Can he finally sit down and calmly explain to his daughter that he was never really happy with Stella? Because anything is better than these two family members having to go through the same arc several times. It’s exhausting.

I hope you didn’t mind me asking. Have a good day/evening.

Alrighty, first off, I don't mind at all! Thank you!! I try my best!

And yes, while Blitzo is an ass for the things he pulls, even I'll admit that you can't really help but feel for the guy sometimes. One of the main reasons why some folks mainly feel for Blitzo and not Stolas is mainly because... well, pretty much all that I pointed out in my rant post about Stolas. Stolas had been taking advantage of him quite a lot, more so than Blitzo, and its a bit more complicated in his situation. Stolas knows Blitzo can't do anything without the book and he also knows that Blitzo doesn't even like him, so he uses that to his advantage. Since he liked that one-night stand with Blitzo so much, he agreed that he'll let Blitzo have the book in exchange for sex. Blitzo knows that the grimoire is the only access to the living world (as far as he is concerned anyway I guess. If he knows that a grimoire can pull that off, how does he NOT know that Asmodean crystals exist? The story would've changed entirely if he did. No need for a book and no need for sex each month. Done deal... or no deal.) and since he feels his business can't go on without the book and Stolas could take it back and secure any time he pleases, he decided to just roll with it and agree to this deal. So now Stolas pretty much got what he wanted; he made Blitzo do something he doesn't wanna do, making his job much harder for him. Not only is it hard for Blitzo, its hard for Stolas too since he's not even allowed to lend Blitzo the book. But who cares?! He gets laid and he finds it pleasurable. Is it really that worth it man.

Also, while we're on the topic of love, there's something I'm confused about. On Stolas's part, this deal was much easier to make, because he knew Blitzo didn't like him and didn't want to get involved with him romantically, let alone sexually. I mean, he must have given the obvious signs of disgust Blitzo displayed. Yet, several episodes later, the show makes it seem like Stolas was under the assumption Blitzo had always returned his feelings??? Not to mention one of the lyrics in his songs said "Was what we had all a lie?", which definitely implies as much. How is Stolas gonna act like Blitzo loved him all along??? Why else would he make a deal like this?? The only way he would is if he knew Blitzo doesn't like him, cuz he's making him do something he doesn't wanna do with him. It doesn't make any sense. If Stolas was under the impression that Blitzo loved him all along, he wouldn't have made that deal? So, which is it, Viv???

Yeah, with a show like this, most fans don't care for the build-up or the story. As long as Stolitz becomes a thing, that's the only happy ending that matters. Stolas could actually have a chance to take responsibility for his actions and acknowledge the sh*t he pulls, but screw that! Ms. Vivziepop is gonna continue to have us take pity and baby him as always, letting him continue to be a less-than-potential horny bag of feathers. Cuz she just loves to favor some of her characters over anyone else. And while that's not a problem, you can't just ignore other characters and you can't have your favorite character be toxic while acting like the victim who did nothing wrong! Like, to this day, Viv STILL won't even have Stolas acknowledge he's a selfish idiot and that he took advantage of Blitzo while seeing him as a walking dildo.

About Octavia, I do get what you're saying. I don't know why Stolas didn't just say what he said. I get that it's not easy for a parent to tell their child they never loved the other or they just stopped loving each other, but bro, Octavia is 17. She should be grown enough to understand something

"Via, you're mother and I weren't.... She hasn't been... I haven't been... I-... I don't know. I don't have the words."

Just say you and Stella were arranged to get married and didn't really love each other like that!!! Come one, man!! I honestly don't believe she needs to be explained anything anyway. How could she NOT know her parents didn't love each other! They always fight in front of her! She should've gotten the idea! We didn't even see her feel all the bad about the divorce!! Are you kidding me!!???

#helluva boss criticism #helluva boss critique #helluva boss critical #anti helluva boss #vivziepop #critique

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sizhui · 8 months

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hello clari i hope you’re doing well! how do you feel about rei’s ending in slow damage? i know a lot of people don’t like that he drops his femininity but i feel like his happy end is accepting the masculinity he spent so long denying and i was wondering what you think! ^-^

Hello, hellooooo! Ok (cracks my knuckles) ive been silent on slowdam for a while with some thoughts cooking in my head and i feel like its time to let a few of them out - to talk about how i feel about rei's route, i must first explain my understanding of slow damage in its entirety... i talked about it here and there to emery and dove but here comes a synthesis!

I warn you: this is only my unconventional analysis, and I think that many will find it unsatisfying and disagree. If anyone wants to discuss or criticize any of my points, i am open to having my mind changed.

Huge thanks to Renne who introduced me to Surodame and set me on the path of studying it!

Under the cut TW: rape, csa

Slow Damage is a story about the consequences and the cyclic nature of abuse. Abuse sticks its claws into you and rakes down, leaving behind four ditches - orderly in some cases, and more chaotic in others. Either way, even as the skin and flesh heal, there is now a generous amount of empty space in you, and Slow Damage poses a question - what will you fill it up with, hmm?

I went into this VN knowing only that Towa enjoys rather extreme forms of self harm, and I have to admit that this was precisely what captivated my attention at first - the promise of a severely damaged protagonist, and the hope that he is more than a run-of-the-mill masochist. I was not disappointed.

The extent to which towa relates injury to sex and pain to pleasure immediately made me suspect the sort of trauma he must have endured in childhood. For a moment, I thought: Isn't the solution to this mystery a little too obvious? Looking back at the lack of subtlety, though, I don't think that Towa being a CSA victim was supposed to be some kind of a grand reveal. The point wasn't in cracking the mystery, in understanding motivations and getting concrete answers - the point was observing onr case of the consequences of abuse that will tell us - no, ASK us - something about all of them. HOW does the thing that happened to Towa keep happening over and over, and in silence too? What mechanisms allow it to happen, and to stay hidden? What all sorts of people, some of them generally good and kind, participate in these mechanisms?

Let us retrace our steps.

Maya forced her own son into violent prostitution from a very young age, all the while teaching him how to use charms to his advantage, how to manipulate people and fulfill their desires in order to gain control over them. The WAY she taught those things methodically seems to insinuate that this was something she herself had been taught at a young age and passed on; the art of assuming the exact persona you need to prod into people's insides. This isn't to say that her actions classify as excusable - in fact, isn't the fact that she's putting her child through the horrors she experienced herself even more disgusting? I wonder if her lessons in human psychology were all for the self-obsessed purpose of turning her son into a copy of herself... or was she, in a twisted way, thinking it would hell him endure and rise the way that she did? I am going to let that question hang in the air - after all, the point of Surodame isn't to review individual motivations, but to ask questions about the grander scheme of things. That is precisely why I cried together with Towa upon reading the strangely frail account of Maya's diary: I just can't make this work... realizing that the slow-growing disease had spread beyond that mother-son duo, beyond the walls of Euphoria, beyond Shinkoumi... in every corner of the world, there are hundreds of Mayas and Towas, and millions upon millions of Silent Takus wondering what they could have done differently.

For starters I want to focus on Towa himself. When I think about him, the first phrase that comes to mind is 'a void filled with the dregs of abuse'. Though he himself doesn't remember his abuse throughout the first three routes, his every move is a reflection of it: every sexual encounter both a self-inflicted wound and an attempt to affirm: IT'S ME WHO CHOSE TO DO THIS TO MYSELF, which is why Towa's breakdown upon realizing that not even his scars are his own is especially painful. I like the choice of stating that Maya did not like nor understand art. She COULDN'T understand it. Though the penchant for uncovering people's dark desires and the ability to read them were all influenced by Maya, the instinct to paint those is Towa's. The art that almost died together with him was the one thing that belonged to him alone - and yet, there is comfort in the fact that the true route ends with him saying that he doesn't know whether he'll paint anymore or not. What matters is that he quit performing euphoric episodes, closed the cycle of abuse and perpetuating Maya's ideals, and began walking towards a peaceful life. The sight of the atelier in the main menu all clean and bright upon Towa's vision returning to normal made me strangely emotional; the reveal that the painting was never dark and muddy, that the atelier was never that dark and scary... the final tour around Shinkoumi with everyone telling Towa that he looks like something good had happened to him... at the end of a very painful road, Towa still found some comfort in existing.

But what of Fujieda? Of Madarame, of Rei, Taku? For a BLVN, isn't it strange to go 6 paragraphs deep without mentioning any of the love interests?

I will preface this by saying that, to me, the very point of Surodame lies in the fact that none of them are ultimately good boyfriends to Towa. I really wanted to interpret the actions of the three sans Madarame more charitably than I do now, but in reasoning with myself, I failed at every single attempt. They are, to varying degrees and each in their own way, a deadend.

Let's go route by route.

Murase Takuma is a kind man in a way Towa is not - this is driven into our heads from the start, he is a doctor. He cares for children, workers and the elderly. He even lends an ear to them outside of his responsibilities as their physician, overworking himself to the brink of death. His role as a caretaker of a hopeless, bleak person like Towa, an addict who is destructive towards both himself and others, can certainly be percieved as saintly. Even his actions of keeping Towa's past from him, burning letters and throwing away packages, were all for the sake of preserving Towa's sanity! However, though Taku's intentions are pure, I can't read them as benign. Well - he is probably the most benign of the four men Towa involves himself with, being the only one who never physically lashed out on him. Neither abuser nor victim, Taku is a third thing entirely - an observer. A hider, a savior, a carer... and at its core, though not intentionally, an enabler. I do agree that there was nothing Taku could have done to save Towa as a child. There just wasn't a way to take Towa away from Euphoria while Maya lived. I do believe that he did the best he could, patching Towa up time after time... staying throughout the years, changing the bedding, throwing out the liquor bottles. Eat something, Towa. Smoke less, Towa. Once Towa got a lot older, Taku grew to love him romantically. Though I find it unsavory, Towa is over twenty-five at this point so it's not really some big deal. The much more dreadful power imbalance than that in age is the fact that Taku is holding the entirety of Towa's past, his abuse, and his identity over his head. Once again, I'm not calling Taku out as a gaslighter here - not in this route, at least, since Towa had no interest in his true identity at this point anyway. But you can't deny that their happy ending - embracing under the cherry blossoms with a calmer, more mature looking Towa, his hair a clean black, an orderly cardigan billowing behind him - is a sort of a quiet misery. Taku loves the man he saved (raised?), the man who presumably quit painful sex for his sake, and Towa doesn't even know what it is that he's being saved from. Towa is a hole. I really might not have interpreted this ending so negatively if it wasn't for the scene of Taku showing Towa a photograph of him as a little child in a restaurant with his mother. This smiling child prostitute in an orderly little boys' getup, dining with his pimp mother and his future lover. It felt to me like a means of truly driving into our brains the extent of Taku's helplessness, delusion, failure, and LIES. The photograph is a fabricated reality, a fabricated happy past that he feeds to Towa. In this route, this is what Towa filled the ditch with - a daydream, and sweet vanilla sex that doesn't scratch his itch. I can't give them more than five years before Towa falls back into his old habits. The end.

Now we get to Rei, who you originally asked me about. I am sorry I dragged it out to this extent, but I truly can't talk about Rei alone without addressing the grand scheme of things. Rei is also a sort of a carer to Towa, though a more casual one. A friend friend rather than a dad friend, I say this with half a scowl hanging off my face. Let us review Rei's situation with gender - due to his toxic, abusive dad (who was also a child sex trafficker, might I add!) degrading him for his homosexuality and saying it made him less of a man, Rei developed an aversion to masculinity, speaking in onee-kotoba and growing out his hair and such. At some point he attempted to cut off his own penis in Towa's presence, but ended up hesitating and not going through. All in all, he decided to drop all things associated with traditional masculinity other than street fighting, which he uses to vent out his frustration. This is the key word here - FRUSTRATION. Rei's frustration grows to hundred percent when he is forced to enter to-the-death matches. Killing opponent after opponent, Rei grows more frustrated and less and less like his friendly effeminate self. I think the key solution to the question of 'how is the writing of rei's gender handled?' Is the fact that Rei rediscovered his masculinity through violence. And Slow Damage is not a game that... likes violence, encourages it, or overall relates it to anything remotely positive. I don't think that Rei reconnected to his masculinity in a healthy way, and I don't think it's meant to be read as a cool finding himself arc. Most of all, it's not his or Towa's happy ending. Towa... the thing is that Rei only realized a sexual attraction to Towa once the amount of violence in his life amplified to the max. As his level of 'manliness' grew. Their sex scene is very frank about this - after he and Towa beat each other into bloody pulp, he says something along the lines of 'I'm a man and I want to fuck you.' I think it drives the point further that he was the only virginal love interest to that point - when he percieved himself as a woman, he had no violent sexual appetites, or at least didn't see a way towards realizing them. Once he 'reverted' into a man though, he could fuck Towa. He could claim his prize - who has no objections, given that it feeds perfectly into his own penchant that I described at the start. And their ending, showing us a casually manly Rei biking with Towa? We have no proof that he's in any way abusive, nor that they're unhappy, but... this 'new gender' of his, he built it up with bricks made of blood, some of it Towa's. I don't think Rei reached a happy ending. I think Rei is a feminine person, or at the very least a gender nonconforming man who retreated back into the closet within the violent festa that his father brought upon him... many will disagree, but this is how I read it - a manhood built up on violence equals unhapliness for two. I think Towa and Rei might stay together longer than Towa and Taku would, but it won't bring either of them any healing. The end.

Madarame's route is the simplest, since Madarame does not hide himself behind any masks. He is a violent, shameless pedophile rapist who gladly continues paving the road of self-destruction that Maya had left off half-finished. I think that placing this ending behind Taku and Rei's serves as a bit of a wake up call who felt pacified by the former two - um, hey, hello? Did you forget? This is not a 'happy story'. For some three hours you watch Madarame break Towa psychologically, repeatedly rape and torture him - only to release him back to Taku and Rei for Towa to find that he can't truly fit im with them anymore. What purpose does it serve? Well, I think it just shows us that there never was any long-term happiness waiting for Towa with either of those men. I think the purpose of the Madarame route, beyond preparing us for the true route, is to totally nullify the effect of the first two. A 'forget what you thought you knew' type of detail. Broken into obedience, a wild blond Towa kissed Madarame after a boxing match. The end.

Fujieda.

He perplexes me the most, and I'm still not entirely certain in the answer I arrived to. Why would the author who penned this painfully real story about abuse have Towa end up with a man who - midway through the route - raped him? I tried to work wonders to explain this to myself, try to interpret it differently, but the truth is concrete. Fujieda raped Towa in a fit of rage, and then with a sober mind refused to apologise for it. Why would this be in a 'painfully real story about abuse?'

...precisely because it's painfully real. It happened to Towa. It happened to a million others. It might happen to you. When you hit your knee, do your fingers not venture to fondle the bruise, press down for a small reminder of what the pain felt like? The fingers are usually kind, but once in a while, they press down.

And again - Fujieda does not consistently abuse Towa. In fact, he gives him his first taste of truly pleasurable sex in a scene that pushed me to the brink of tears in its sad honesty. When Fujieda has a good day, he gently washes the remnants of assault out of Towa. But when he had an extremely bad way, he was the perpetrator of the assault. I think it's 'painfully real' for Towa to end up with such a man. After coming to terms with his past, this was the best he could do. This was as much as he could save himself. The VN ends on such a note - don't be too happy for him, and don't be too sad. I do believe that Fujieda brought Towa some comfort and clarity, but I can't say that this isn't a deadend, too. Just a more peaceful one in the light. In the ocean.

What's the point then, if Towa ends up stranded no matter what choices you make? Let's return to the beginning, to the ditch abuse made in you. Sometimes you fill it in with fantasies, sometimes with violence, sometimes with the 'next best thing', a 'he's a good man you know, he's only rough when he drinks' typa marriage... no matter what, fact is that all abused kids seek to fill it in with something familiar. Something they know and recognize. It yearns to be filled, it aches for it - whatever you're ready to dish out, just put it in! I think this merry-go-round of victims and perpetrators is what Surodame is tryong to turn our eyes towards, or at least force us to stop averting them. So that you may not scorn the Towa in your life, so that if you are a Towa yourself, you may find comfort in knowing that someone somewhere dreemed you up, empathized with you and lead your hand along the path. Why, then, do we not see our Towa free?

Well, the future is long. He was in an ocean. Maybe he walked out.

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hello-nichya-here · 2 years

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Do you have any thoughts on the whole Johnny Depp and Amber Heard scandal?

*deep breaths* Aaaaand here we go. I'm finally gonna stick my hand in this wasp nest.

Look, I don't know either of them personally, I don't remember watching anything with Amber in it and I stopped caring about Johnny's works right after the Pirates Of The Caribean movies started sucking, and I am 100% willing to look at the whole thing with an open mind...

But while Johnny is no saint (dude dated a minor despite being a fully grown adult, clearly has a drug/drinking problem, and said some INCREDIBLY DISTURBING shit about Amber), I just can't ignore that:

01) There's literal audio of Amber actually saying the words "I can't promise you that things won't get physical again", calling him a baby for trying to de-escalate fights with her, mocking him for "begging someone to save him", admitting to punching him and throwing pots and pans at him, and even infamously straight up saying "Tell the world, Johnny. Tell them, I, Johnny Depp, male, an a victim of domestic violence. See how many people believe or side with you."

02) She claims to have gone though some horrible shit (violent rape, broken glass at her feet, being hit in the head until passing out, and having her nose broken multiple times) that would probably have left her at the hospital for days and leave scars, yet somehow she healed perfectly without going to a doctor once.

03) She lied about donating the money she won from their divorce after going on and on about how this was proof she wasn't accusing him of domestic violence for money/revenge.

04) Every single one of her witness except for her sister say they never saw Johnny get violent after drinking, while he had plenty of people supporting his claims against her ("He could have bought them off!" So could she, guys, they're both rich. If we're giving her the benift of the doubt until proven otherwise, we gotta do the same for him.)

05) Amber's lawyer straight up lied about a make up pallet she supposedly had used all through their relationship to hide bruises (and that was even accepted as evidence against Johnny) but that had actually only been sold after they had already divorced.

06) She has a previous accusation of domestic violence (though she has not been proven guilty of it) while Johnny has none.

07) Her claim that Johnny had part of his finger (ONE finger, the rest of his hand was fine) cut (CUT, not crushed, broken, or bruised) after hitting her with a phone just does not make as much sense as his claim that it happened after she threw a bottle at him (especially with the recording of her admitting to throwing things at him). Yes, I know he said he hurt it himself previously, but if we are supposed to give Amber the benefit of the doubt and say she could have hidden her own abuse out of shame/fear (which is something many abuse victims do) we need to do the same for Johnny, and again, he has more evidence to back up his claims than she does.

Overall, this far, on this day, 21 of May 2022, from what I've seen, I'm siding with Johnny. Unless there's some major twist that can prove all of his evidence against Amber was somehow faked AND she can actually bring up something solid against him, I don't see this changing. It sucks that I have to say that I think Amber is lying because there's still sadly a ton of women being abused by their partners and this can lead to people just assuming they're lying too because mysogyny is still a thing, but there is just too much pointing in favor of Johnny being the abuse victim in this specific situation.

Now excuse me while I prepare for the shitstorm.

#asks #johnny depp #amber heard #domestic violence #discussion of trauma #discussion of abuse #abuse mention #rape mention #assault mention #abusive relationships

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and-stir-the-stars · 10 months

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thinking about. saffron henry. does he realize how badly he fucked up? what would the boys' reactions be if he reappeared? does jem know about him? also, is he like. healing his own trauma from charlie n everything or is he just. melting

also. unrelated. does mike ever feel like he should be less fucked up because evan's trauma is just so extreme that he compares it? does evan ever feel like others shouldn't be so traumatized bc of his frame of reference?

(Answered the first half of this ask here)

These are awesome awesome questions about the extent of and response to the trauma Ev and Mike went thru, thank you for asking!

does mike ever feel like he should be less fucked up because evan's trauma is just so extreme that he compares it?

Yes. Mike has a lot of guilt over the fact that HE was able to escape and form a life of his own when Evan so clearly wasn't.

This is probably a problem Mike had even before finding out what happened to Evan, actually. Mike has spent some time listening to other runaways stories, hearing how bad other people had it, and he would have compared himself to their stories and found the abuse he faced 'lacking' because Mike is just. Deep down, he's just a kid who wants to be loved, and he wants to be loved by his father, so even though he knows he's been abused by William, a part of him still can't help but think "maybe it wasn't actually that bad" "maybe i just did stupid stuff to make him angry and if i just stopped, things would get better" "maybe I'm just weak and shouldn't be hurt by the stuff he did".

And this tendency to like. Downplay everything he went through affects his reaction to what Evan went through. Not in that he downplays what Ev went through (he doesn't), but it makes Mike downplay his own trauma.

There's a lot of nights when Mike roams listlessly through the house, hating himself for not being able to sleep. Because what problems does he REALLY have?? Yeah William hurt him sometimes and shitty things happened to him after he ran away, but some voice in his head snaps that at least he got out! Usually when Mike can't sleep, he goes on drives in his VW bus to calm his nerves, but in this case, he refuses to let himself do that as punishment for "being so freaked out over nothing". He probably does this refusing-to-let-himself-be-comforted and pushing-himself-past-his-limits thing because he thinks what he went through "wasn't that bad" a lot. It's something he has to work on in therapy.

It also doesn't help that Mike feels obligated to be Put Together for Evan’s sake; it def makes Mike's downplaying/hiding/refusing to acknowledge what he went through thing worse. But that's the good thing about Evan's arc where he realizes Mike is his own person who went through a lot of trauma of his own; it makes Mike acknowledge some of the shit he went through and actually WORK through it, too. It is it's own kind of validation and relief for someone close to you to look at what you went through and admit "it's shitty that that happened to you, and I wish it hadn't."

does evan ever feel like others shouldn't be so traumatized bc of his frame of reference?

mmmm, kinda?

Evan's sense of empathy is complicated, especially when he's put in Mike’s custody; he's still mad at Mike for everything that happened between them. He still thinks of Mike as this big, scary, untouchable monster. Of course an invincible monster like that couldn't ever be hurt by anything.

Then, Mike keeps trying to treat Ev with kindness and sympathy instead of being cruel and monstrous. At this point, the times when Ev sees Mike flinch away from touch or flinching from Ev yelling at him or from the smell of cigarette smoke on Ev's clothes, or the times when Mike gets sent into a panic attack, are all met with confusion and a level of self-satisfaction. He doesn't know why these things are having such an impact on Michael, but it's satisfying to see that the monster that hurt him so bad can be made hurt and vulnerable after all-- especially since Evan takes this as proof that William chose Evan over Mike as his successor because he believed Evan was Stronger. Evan starts to understand that Mike can be hurt, but does not empathize with Mike over this understanding just yet.

But I don't think Evan would have the thought "why should Mike be traumatized over xyz thing when I had to deal with abc" because Evan hasn't been thinking about what William did to him as something traumatic. That doesn't come until later. He thought what William was doing was normal & good. The time Evan has spent in psychiatric facilities has taught him that the murder/using violence to make yourself feel better thing isn't normal, but Evan hasn't gotten over the barrier of thinking that it made him Stronger-- that it was a good thing even if it wasn't Normal.

It's not until Ev realizes that William was using him, didn't care, and wasn't trying to help Ev that that particular barrier finally comes crashing down for Evan.

It's not long after that that Evan has his "oh, Mike is a real person with his own trauma" revelation.

During the time between Ev realizing that William was so horrifically abusive and having his realization about Mike’s trauma, I think it's possible that Ev would lash out in ways that come across as "why should you be traumatized by xyz thing", because Ev has so much pain and confusion around the idea that Mike just left him there with William. YOU got out and I didn't, I was the one stuck there because YOU left me there, so what exactly do you have to freak out over? You chose the new life you ran away for.

But I think this fades once Ev has his Realization about Mike’s past. Because the Realization makes him understand that Mike didn't choose any of this, either.

so, this brings me to how your question applies to Evan when he's actually had a chance to start healing.

Evan’s definitely had his sense of empathy stunted and repressed as a result of his trauma, so it's hard for him to understand what other people are thinking or feeling. But I don't think this translates to him thinking other people SHOULDN'T be traumatized (as much sense as that as a trauma response would make for someone who has been thru what Evan has) so much as Evan not understanding that someone IS traumatized by something, and later, WHY they would be traumatized by it.

But Evan is a naturally empathetic person, and a naturally curious kid. So i think his response to finally understanding that the reason someone is acting weird is because they're upset by something, it would manifest as curiosity since his empathy has been so fried. He doesn't understand other people's trauma, but I think he'd be curious to understand the why's and how's of other people’s trauma. Why are you upset. What about this specific scenario is sparking this reaction. What specifically does it make you feel. Why aren't you acting like you normally do. How do i stop this from happening again.

His attempts to Understand come across as... maybe not clinical, exactly, but definitely as insensitive.

Like, when Evan learns that Jeremy is still fucked up about their (singular) little sister dying when they were younger, Evan’s brain is like. MY sister went missing (he knows how Liz died but repressed it) and my brother used her disappearance as an excuse to torture me. In Evan’s mind, what he went through is Worse than what Jeremy went through, but he's not being judgemental as is implied in the question "why should you be traumatized", he's just genuinely Trying To Understand "why was that so upsetting for you when it could have been worse?" Once he finally realizes that someone is upset about something, he struggles to understand WHY, and he accidentally comes across as insensitive.

I don't think it's emotional so much as physical pain that would elicit that kind of "why should you be upset when xyz traumatic thing could have happened instead?" response. Evan has been trained to be less responsive to physical pain by this point, as in is less responsive to being in pain himself and seeing others in pain. If he were to see someone get visibly upset from stubbing a toe or scraping a knee or getting cut/scratched, he'd just look on in utter confusion. Evan has seen people--kids-- be physically ripped apart. William and younger Mike both did things to him that could low key be classified as torture. I think the part of his brain repsonsible for registering physical pain is always gonna be a little fucked up.

#I wish i could talk more about Evan's empathy in the time after the arrest but before being put in Mike's custody #During the time when he would have been in psych facilities #But i don't really know what that would be like.#If he was allowed to be around other (non psychologist) people and he heard about other people's trauma during that time?#He'd probably just be desensitized to it?#He'd listen to it w the same emotional reaction you'd have to listening to someone make boring small talk about the weather #If he cares at all it's only to throw other people's trauma in the psychologists' faces #''You can't tell me xyz thing isnt normal when this other patient went through it too. You don't know what ur talking about.''#saffron pawn au #evan afton #evan afton support center #michael afton #tw child abuse #tw body horror

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