elenabugblog

[elenabugblog]

I’m a prisoner in my own mind

#c-ptsd #ptsd #deppresive #depression #depressed #kevin gates #i hate it so much #i hate my liiiiife #suicidal #hate my life #i hate it i hate it i hate it

[elenabugblog]

Or maybe the drugs that I’m taking are taking my soul

#c-ptsd #ptsd #tw depressing stuff #depression #depressed #i hate my liiiiife #suicidal #i hate my stupid brain #i hate it so much #i hate it i hate it i hate it #doobie

[elenabugblog]

What happens when you become the main source of their pain??

#c-ptsd #ptsd #deppresive #depressed #depression #tw depressing stuff #suicidal #i hate it i hate it i hate it #i hate everything #i hate my liiiiife #fuck my life #fuck love #fucked up #what the fuck #mentally fucked #trauma #im fucked up #im a piece of shit

[elenabugblog]

Pain killers don’t help when the pain that you’re killing is yourself

#depression #depressing post #depressing quotes #tw depressing stuff #suicidal #i hate my liiiiife #doobie #painful #addictive #i hate my stupid brain

[elenabugblog]

Why can’t I get you out of my head???

#depression #depressed #lgbt pride #lgbtq #i miss you

[elenabugblog]

Am I not enough? I’m not enough to be sober around? My parents. My friends. My lovers. I’m not enough for anyone.

[elenabugblog]

You ever drink so much just to forget the way their hands felt on your body. But instead of forgetting you end up remembering every fucking suffocating non-consenting detail? Fuck....

#c-ptsd #ptsd #molestation #molest #i hate it so much #i hate my brain #thanks i hate it #hate #i hate you dad #fuck my life #fucked up #fuck you #fuck #fuck you dad

[elenabugblog]

Wana kill yourself slowely? Continue to love someone who doesn’t love you.....

#i love her #love #i love you #fucked up #what the fuck #fuck #fuck my life #fuck it #fuck love #suicidal

[elenabugblog]

Is the person you need the same person you want??

#confused #love quotes #late night thoughts #fucked up #what the fuck #i need to know #suicidal #fuck love

[elenabugblog]

4 am

5 April 2020. 04:21am

4am is for the dismantled souls crying uncontrollably in their pillow. Screaming “Fucking why me??”. Fucking forcing yourself to smile throughout the day. “Yes I’m fine. Just tired. Been working a lot.”. All while your soul is being ripped in pieces from the devil himself. 4am is the real you. The scary you. Because you’re alone. You’re alone in your thoughts. 4am is the time when diminishing souls can finally fall apart. As you’re laying face down in the pillow, soaked in salted tears and despair- you ask the devil to call the Kiss of Death. You tell him you’re ready.

04:37am

She is wearing a black veil, laced with grace. A gorgeous black laced dress that takes your breath away, ironic huh? Her feet don’t even touch the ground. She fly’s to you, swiftly with elegance. Once she kisses you your body will begin to shut down. Organ by organ. Your heart will beat at a slower pace, depriving your entire body of oxygen. Shutting down more systems in your soon-to-be corpse. You’ve been waiting for this for 13 years. “Please kiss me, take all this agony away” you say to her. She removes her black laced veil. Piercing green eyes and ready to take your soul. Are you ready? Are you sure? You pucker out your plump pink lips, she wastes no time. Kisses you with her crimson, warm soft lips. You feel your body get heavier and heavier. Your eyes close. You are numb, you can’t move. Your heart beats 12 more beats, then quits on you. Just like everyone in your life. You are a soulless corpse now. Will you be missed darling?

#c-ptsd #bpd #trauma #ptsd #divorce #ptsd thoughts #c ptsd #complex ptsd #ptsdsurvivor #actually ptsd #actually cptsd #self mutalition #self mutilator #self harm #self destruction #suicide #kiss of death devil #worthless #pain #suicidal #dying alone #alone #agony #destroyed #actuallymentallyill #poem #original poem #poetry #death #kiss of death

[elenabugblog]

I fucking hate you dad.

Why the fuck would you touch me?

I am your god damn daughter.

What the fuck??

#actuallytraumatized #trauma #molestation #sex abuse #sex trauma #sexual trauma #c ptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd #suicide #hate #c-ptsd #i cannot clean this feeling off no matter how hard i try #you took my innocence #fucked up #fuck you #sexual assault #i will never recover #i will never be free #i will never forgive you #i will never be the same #i will never be enough #i will never be beautiful

[elenabugblog]

You know how when you reveal to people that you have c-PTSD, so you’re severely fucked up. And they say “Well you already lived through the hardest part. Now you have to heal.”

Hold on. Wait just a damn minute. During all those counts of abuse- I was numb. My heart and soul disconnected from my fucking body.

Now that I’m away. Now I feel everything. Sobriety sucks because even though I was stuck remembering and feeling- I could drink it away and suppress it back. Whisky made me numb again- if I drank enough of it. Now I feel it all again. No where to turn but “healthy outlets” which don’t take it all away.

So I’m not really sure when everyone tells me that the hardest part is over is true. It doesn’t feel like it.

#c-ptsd #trauma #complex ptsd #c ptsd #ptsd #ptsd thoughts #actuallytraumatized #actuallyptsd #actually cptsd #alcohlism #numb

[elenabugblog]

I still feel your fucking hands all over me.

#abuse #sexual assault #domestic abuse #divorce #you took my innocence #ptsd #c-ptsd #cptsd #i cannot clean this feeling off no matter how hard I try #trauma #binge drinking #suicide #self harm #sex trauma #traumacore #actuallytraumatized #molestation #sex abuse #c ptsd #self mutalition #self mutilator #i wanna disappear #actuallymentallyill #i will never forgive you #i will never be free #i will never recover

[elenabugblog]

Scars

More so recently (because I have more scars on my arm now) I have gotten more questions about my scars. Last week a client asked if it happened at work, I said yes. And this past weekend on a fucking date, he was holding my hand and traveled up to my arm with his fingers. He ran across a specific scar and asked, “You aren’t going to do this to yourself again... right?...” All I could do was stare forward.

Like fuck dude, I don’t know....

#self harm #self harm scars #scar #scars #suicide #self destruction #actuallytraumatized #cptsd #actuallymentallyill #ptsd #trauma #self mutilator #self mutalition

[elenabugblog]

Do you ever just feel yourself getting bad again??

#ptsd #c-ptsd #depressed #self harm #suicide #self destruction #worthless

[elenabugblog]

Nightmare last night

I had a nightmare last night and I woke up crying and in a sweat. 

I had a dream that I was sitting at a table with another woman and a man. In the dream I was dating the man and he was physically abusing me over and over while the woman just watched and occasionally told him to stop. 

Finally I see authorities and I am so grateful. As I am reporting what the man has done to me, the officer put his hand up my skirt and told me to shut up. I then woke up.

IT FELT SO REAL and reminded me of my marriage...

#abuse #domesticviolence #trauma #ptsd #c-ptsd #nightmare #night terrors #domestic violence #divorce

[elenabugblog]

Gabapentin for anxiety??

Gabapentin 300mg: 1-2 cap. PO BID PRN for anxiety. 

They started me on Gaba for anxiety. 

At first I was feeling unsure about this RX. I asked the PA a few questions about using this drug for anxiety, seeing as in Vet Med we use this drug for nerve pain and to mildly sedate aggressive patient’s. When I said all of this, the PA remained emotionless. Then I asked if there was a time limit on when I should take the Gaba because in Vet Med we put on the label, “Give 1-2 hours prior to stressful event.” The PA sat there for a moment, then told me to take the Gaba 30min to an hour prior to a stressful event. I nodded my head, made my next appointment in 3 months, still feeling uneasy about the RX. But I’m just a vet tech, I need to be more open minded. 

I decided to give the Gaba a try with no stressful event coming up (we usually ask owners to do so, that way they can see the effects of the drug). I felt extremely lethargic and fell asleep 2 hours after I took 1 capsule of the Gabapentin. My mom said I looked “high” and told me to go to bed lol. 

My next shot at Gaba, was a bit of an unfair try. I did not give it enough time prior to the stressful event to kick in and really see if it helps. I took the Gaba and then about 15-20min later I went to HEB (grocery store in Texas), where I knew would be a huge crowd. I did not feel the effects of the drug until I was in the car on the way home, 2 hours later. My friend with me, described me as “very high” and “loopy”. I felt extremely lethargic again, I laid down, and napped for 4 hours. 

I’m just not sure how I feel about this drug for anxiety. When I take it I am still very anxious, then I pass out. This was RX to me with the intentions of taking the Gaba before dinner, movies, grocery shopping... ect.

How am I supposed to take this drug if it sedates me??

Anyone else have this issue??

#anxiety #rx #very anxious #gabapentin #depression #ptsd #c-ptsd #complex ptsd #vettech