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iveta777 · 12 days

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A dream is a reality that hasn't happened yet

I.A.A.

💫🌌🌠

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iveta777 · 15 days

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March,2021

This week I’ve been dealing with a serious mental breakdown. I was so overwhelmed in the beginning of the week and I couldn’t resist anymore. I was so disappointed by myself because I had so much stuff to be done; I tried so hard, man, I really tried so hard but I just couldn’t keep up with my schedule; I had slept less than 8 hours in total for the past 3 days; I didn’t feel well because I had a killing headache which wasn’t good because I wasn’t able to do my work. The result as you already know was the only one possible: mental breakdown. I cried for hours… I cried because of my own high expectations for me. I cried because as a perfectionist I wanted everything to be done on time. I cried because I tried and I was doing stuff these three days but the result… Well, there was no result. I had a list of tasks and nothing was marked as done which made me feel like I did nothing that past days. I cried because I was so tired, so overwhelmed, so exhausted. I cried because my soul cried. I wanted a break but I couldn’t get one because I had no time for that. I needed some free time, me time. I wanted to watch a movie, or watch a YouTube video, or paint, or write( I love writing…), or go out, or… just sleep. My body was tired, my soul was tired, I was tired…

After two or more hours of crying I felt like a new person. I was great. I was calm, empty, free. I was me again. And after that everything was great, too. I did everything I had planned for the past three days in less than five hours. I was happy. This day turned out to be my day because some really great things happened…

To be honest, this mental breakdown turned out to be something I needed because after that I realized some things.

To begin with, I have the best mother ever. I mean it’s not something I didn’t know but after that I have no doubt that it’s true. I tried to hide from her what was going on with me but as a parent at the moment she saw me she knew something was wrong. I tried to hide it from her but she made me tell her. Then she told me that I could and I would deal with everything, that she was proud of me, that everything was going to be alright. She asked no unnecessary questions, she just hugged me and stayed with me. She asked my father to buy me a chocolate bar and stayed with me for hours till she was sure that I was fine. She wanted to do so much more and I saw the pain in her eyes when she realized that there was nothing else she could help me with. But that was fine because she gave me more than I needed. I only needed support and a shoulder to cry on and she gave me peace and love. There was nothing else I could ask for.

Second, I realized that when I have hard time I don’t have do deal with it alone. I am used to hiding my emotions and keep my problems for me. I never talk about myself or the issues I have. But gosh it felt really nice when I shared my problems with her. She showed me that I am not alone (which is my greatest fear- to remain alone).

Third, I realized that everyone has hard times and I should not be afraid of it. I realized that keeping everything in me is not good for my health on first place. I realized that crying is okay. I realized that crying can free you from your problems, to make some space for you to see the world from different perspective, to help you find the solutions you are looking for and you are struggling to find.

Last one, I realized that putting yourself first doesn’t make you selfish and egoistic. To put yourself first means to make priority the most important person in your life-YOU. I’ve always been told that but I never believed it. I always tried to make my parents proud. I always tried to please everyone. But for 20 years I never asked myself what I REALLY want, what I need, I don’t even know what makes me happy, or sad, or what is my favorite color and do I even have a favorite color. I know so much about the other people and at the same time I know nothing about myself. But now I know… I know that I should put myself first and that there is nothing wrong about that. I know that first I should make sure that I feel great and then to try to help others because if I can’t help myself and I don’t take care of myself, how would I do that for the others???

To sum up, I realized that this mental breakdown was actually a good thing. It was something I needed. It made me realize some important stuff and to realize that if I take care of myself and I am fine, everything will be alright. Also, I realized that I am not alone and I have never been- I just made myself feel alone which is much worse than actually being alone…

I.A.A.

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iveta777 · 18 days

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Fearless

'What are you afraid of?'

'Nothing'

'Stop lying. That's impossible.'

'I told you... I'm fearless!'

'Just tell me. I won't laugh or judge. So what is your biggest fear?'

'You wanna know what my biggest fear is? Fine. I'll tell you. I'm scared of the dark. I'm afraid of heights and depths. I'm terrified of snakes. I'm petrified of the loneliness. And the funny part is that this is nothing compared to the thing that connects them... My biggest fear... The thing I can't escape and that makes my blood freeze every time I think about it - THE UNKNOWN. YES! Something so simple. I HATE THE UNKNOWN! Because you never know when is going to be your last day. You don't know when you see someone for a very last time. You don't know what may be hiding under your bed, or in the shadows in the darkness. It's a mystery. Russian roulette. You never know if it's good or bad. Can't be prepared. That's why I overthink so much. That's why I'm so indecisive. That's why I like to plan my day and have a plan for the future. And sometimes you just don't know the people around you. They may seem nice and goodhearted but in reality the only thing they want is to hurt you. You believe someone, you trust them and they betray you. And the worst part of the unknown - you don't know when someone is going to abandon you. You get close with someone, you open your heart to them, you share your secrets and dreams and memories with them... And one day they just act like you are strangers or leave without a word. So I stopped sharing my fears with other people because sometimes they do exactly that thing knowing damn well that it will hurt me. Making my biggest fears a reality just makes me fear more because you prove to me that they are not just in my head. I've lost so many people. I've done so many things in my life that I want to change. I've been left alone. I was abandoned. I felt lonely. I was afraid of sleeping with the lights off because I had sleep paralysis. So yes. I'm fearless. Because I don't have fears. I have demons'.

I.A.A.

❤️‍🩹