lostmoonbunny

[lostmoonbunny]

Holy cow…

So uh..remember two years ago when I did my whole overview of my 2020 year and I said I have object permanence & memory issues? Yeah…I forgot about this place. I should really dust off the cobwebs (not the ones for decoration of course) and maybe share some life updates?

It’s 2024 and I’m really done with being a working adult in a place that actively keeps its people from actually living versus doing their best to make it. Like homie is barely treading water I need a dang break.

Other than that:

-my oldest cat nearly died and is now very much so getting the Princess treatment even more than she already did.

- I have mostly come out as Non Binary..my parents and the parents of my partner will not be learning this fact anytime soon.

-We got a fourth cat because we figured that our third cat needed a playmate as the oldest two want zero playtime with him..the youngest is a lovable terror and is nearly a year old and bigger than his immediately older brother.

- I got a promotion…but I’d like to find a job that was more regular and hours that don’t make me want to cry. (I just want to not work weekends if I don’t want to. Is that so much?!)

- I went to a casino for the first time. Here is my review:

• if you offer inside, casino floor smoking your ventilation needs to be top class. Not everyone that wants to visit your casino floor wants to smell like smoke. ( I don’t care if ppl smoke. That’s your business, however the people around you that are not smoking should not have to also be inhaling your smoke. That’s across the board for any kind of smoking. imho)

• write your menus better aka: explain your menu items better don’t say “steak sandwich” and then be like “steak, cheese, [insert veggies here], on X bread” then douse it in herb butter, ADD THAT TO THE MENU! PEOPLE LOVE THAT SHIT!

your valets and front desk attendants shouldn’t be the only good customer service a guest experiences. (For reference I work in a customer facing position and have been doing this for an over all of 15 years so I’m not just talking out my ass about customer service also this is the US so I know customer service culture is different here..but that’s a different soapbox)

Did I win anything? Nope just the need to bag any of my clothes that saw the casino floor and then also bag them again as the smell was wretched and cigarette smoke causes migraine in me now. (Yay new migraine trigger..experienced that night one stayed in a mask the entire time I walked through the floor. )

Will I go again? Probably not. The food was nice but I can also drive an hour east and have the same experience minus the gambling. (Also learned that it’s not something I enjoy.)

Will I be saying the name of this casino? Nope.

- my mental health has been a seesaw since June of 2023 so I’ve been also dealing with that. I’m much better than I was but I’m also not where I was before the decline. Frustrating but sometimes that’s just how it is. (Also I don’t want to cease existence much anymore..so that’s good. There were a few times towards Aug-Dec that in the dark of night I wanted to just stop, but I’m in a better headspace now and some of the outside forces that helped the self destructive feelings are gone/changing so I’m feeling much more hopeful and haven’t felt self destructive since the first week of December. So yay progress?)

- I got my ears repierced (I think that was 2022 though..) and now I can get all the pretty earrings I want. (Gives me serotonin)

- im planing about five (maybe six) more tattoos and at least two of them are anime adjacent.

- I cut my hair, felt good about it for a while and now I’m just over it.

- got a binder and I love it. Now to get a better one because it makes my brain goblins shut up about my self image more. (I don’t match my mental image and it’s hard to look at my body from collar bones down. I’m working on it and slowly getting better with it. )

- realized part way through last year I was doing some really unhealthy eating related stuff and now trying to be better about eating meals - even if it’s small. Eating something is better than not eating. This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve done this, it’s just been a long time since its last happened. I’d like to for it to not happen again.. (I should probably mention this to my therapist..)

- I got to see a group,a duo, and a soloist all I love and all in 2023 also all with two of my best friends.

- got a tattoo with one of my best friends, and planning two more. (Gotta find the right artist first!)

Oh, and I’ve been reading a metric heckton of fan fiction..it’s escapism at its finest.

All in all 2023 was a mixed bag and I truly hope 2024 is the year I am desperately hoping for.

Here’s to 2024, manifesting the things I want, the things I need, and the things that I need to have.

Just Survive Somehow.

#lostmoonbunny #life update #no I totally didn’t forget this place #I’m not meant for casinos #fanfic keeps me sane #yes my cat broke my stovetop yes im upset no I cant afford a new one #cats #just survive somehow

[lostmoonbunny]

Greetings from a Panini World

Yes, I did call this a "panini". I'm hesitant to use the word "pandemic" as I feel many of us have a knee jerk reaction to hide from everything once hearing or seeing that word. However that's the current stat of events. The year? 2021 Where I am located its very much so post quarantine and society has attempted to "return to normal" but its impossible. Between the anti- maskers, anti-vaxxers, and everything else it truly is impossible. "What do you mean?" you ask, well allow me to take you on a journey of a human that has gone through this "history in the making" and share what its been like since January 2020 to September 2021 from the eyes of someone that lived it. -I will preface this with saying, there will be gaps, I have trouble with object permanence, concept of time, and I have memory issues due to past concussions so bear with me as we stumble through the memories of my experiences.

So here we go... Let's travel back to January 2020.

2020..Ahhh the big year of "Clear vision".. HA! No, not today. What I remember was being concerned about this horrible virus but didn't think it would make its way to where I lived.. ( I would be unsurprisingly corrected shortly after this.) I worked, had my birthday, and it was quickly February. The virus was quickly spreading and making its way downtown walking fast faces past.. oops..sorry I got sidetracked, it was making its way down throughout the nation. We celebrated my partner's birthday, and soon after the month was over. February always flies by. March...ahh March, this is where everything started changing for me. Many states were shutting down around us fairly quickly too. ( I have opinions about how the US should've shut down sooner, but we're not here for politics...but yes it should've happened sooner.) My partner, younger brother and I made a last minute trip to the next state for a day trip. Which was fun don't get me wrong but the places we went to shut down for the state's quarantine the next day. My state would follow barely a week later. I was furloughed. That..that was an experience. All of us received the same message as it was a group message. It stated that we were all effectively unemployed ( so we could apply for benefits if we chose to) and that if and when we reopen that they hoped we could come back. I immediately messaged my boss and the boss that messaged us all and double checked learning that I was on the "short list" for rehires. That made me fee a bit better but I was still sad. My partner was considered "an Essential worker" so they worked through the entire lockdown. I swear Animal Crossing New Horizons is one of the only things that got me through that.. from this all the days blended together till June. Not don't get me wrong, plenty of things happened on a personal growth side that was beneficial like I started going to therapy, got even closer to my cousin that lives on the west coast, I played with my cats and dogs more, I caught up on sleep, all sorts of things but the way it had to happen sucked. Also in this time period, my favorite uncle contracts the virus and is put in the ICU on a ventilator. I don't remember how long he was in there but he made it. He is now healthy and survived the virus. So lets fast forward to June. My place of work reopened under specific guidelines. Now I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I live in the southeast. The southeast, in summer is AWFUL. Its hot, its humid, and then if it DOES rain that humidity just goes up and it gets worse. To give you an idea while the temperature might say its 84 degrees F but the real feel might be 95F. I don't know why they don't just say 95F but that's how it is the southeast... So imagine if you will mid June, being reopened with special rules, masks required for everyone 5 years old and older, and no buildings but restrooms open to the public. The amount of rude, hateful, uncaring people almost made me lose my complete faith in humanity, and its not very high to begin with. Also for context, I work in retail. I feel that says enough there. These rules extend till the end of the year and into part of 2021. While all of this is happening the US is having their presidential elections and everyone has crawled out of the woodwork that you had hoped would stay there. At this point I'm hoping for the best because we really need a paradigm shift in society. We need to truly need to change as a society and in many way, catch up to the rest of the world. I finally gave in a got to tiktok and realize that it is very much a time devourer. I've realized that I feel as if the term "Cassflux" fits how I feel about my gender best, and fully accepted my journey on the path of being a witch.

Lets move in to October, October I ( and my partner) travel to Texas (cautiously) for my cousin's socially distant wedding and our anniversary. That was amazing and the slight escape from reality was truly needed. On our way back we made a stop in NOLA and it was a fun visit, but I realized my baby witch self hadn't veiled or warded myself nearly enough and it got all of "spidey senses" all out of wack. knowing now what I should've done, I do want to go back. The rest of the year went by both incredibly slow and yet in a flash. The US elected a new president, I was working as hard a possible to avoid the virus as much as possible and my partner had gotten a new job with a different company that was making them more happy. So this brings us to 2021. This is the year that I feel that I am truly coming into my own despite living in the middle of a global Panda Express. January brings my turning a landmark age and celebrating it with a new hair style, new outlook on life, progress made in therapy, more self acceptance, and just overall more happiness. The world is still the same, better, but also worse. The vaccine is being produced, distributed, and made accessible. February brings another birthday with my partner's birthday. March rolls around and we jokingly celebrate our work's closing a year prior and then continue to work. The vaccine is made available to retail and food workers so I go and get the first round of the "Dolly Parton" vaccine with my co workers. (If you were wondering its Moderna) We go and receive the second dose later at the correct time. April and May kind of blend together for me because that the ramp up for the busy season at work. June & July are busy but everything is moving forwards. I finally take a step more into the current era of technology and upgrade my phone and computer. ( After several years of going back and forth of not wanting current gen tech or not, because that stuff be expensive!) I reconnect with an old friend and we have a much healthier friendship.

August....hecking August.. We are short staffed at work, busy as heck! My partner is also hecking busy by being called in for almost every problem. The world is deffo changing. The US is in a state of nah nah a boo boo with vaccinating vs not, virus outbreaks having an uptick, universities starting back, Texas deciding that the government gets a say in a woman's reproductive rights... sorry I'll try to not get political. My ( like many others) using tiktok as a means of escape from this reality.. I'm so beyond mentally exhausted by everything that I just want to be somewhere that I can breathe a bit more easy... Its deffo not the southeastern US. September: I. am. exhausted. Working a bunch. Dealing with people doubting the virus, the usual Karens and Richards, counting down my days to vacation. My partner is beyond exhaustion. They've worked more in the past six weeks that they have in two years. The 20th year of 9/11 comes and goes. Not to sound like a country song, but remembering where I was at the moment the planes hit is something that has stuck with me...despite my concussions. I was in my English class and its was between classes and they had the tvs on. So many parents were coming and calling their kids out the school got to the point they weren't going to let kids leave.. ( if the parents complained enough they did.. I was a poorer kid in a more affluent school) My parents weren't going to take me out of school so I finished the day out in a state of confusion, not understanding the gravitas of what was going on, and not understanding was the emotions I was feeling watching the crashes were. I don't claim to even comprehend the emotions of this date to people who lost loved ones in the crashes, or in the oncoming days of the country going to war, I just know how it felt as a child to see something so major happening. I feel its like the kids now living through this panic at the disco. [[If you read this and you lost someone due to either of these horrific events please know that I in no way am invalidating or belittling your feelings or experiences. I merely am trying to describe all of how I feel throughout 2020- roughly current day 2021 and these are the things I was thinking and feeling on this particular day.]]

The days start to blend again as I attempt to countdown the days till my short vacation. Once that starts I get to finally relax as does my partner. The amount of sleep my partner has gotten is incredible and they deserve it dang it! This brings us to today, The last day of September 2021. This are changing at work and I'm not wholly sure of how I feel but I know it will be an interesting discussion for me to have with my therapist coming up. That's all I've got for now.. Hopefully I'll pop back in sooner to give more perspective on what its like living through all of this chaos. Just keep moving forward.

#lostmoonbunny #globalpanini #livingthroughaglobalcrisis #itsachaoticworld #life update #my life #grow #hopeful #becoming me #very tired

[lostmoonbunny]

We’ve come to a new year it seems.

I see that once again I’m behind on my writing but hey, that’s just life for you. So to update from October which is when it seems I last posted.

November - fine until it came to thanksgiving which stresses me out to no end because we end up traveling more than needed due to stubborn family members.

December - stressful all around. I adore winter but dang if then holidays don’t stress me out. Ugh.

January - WOW THAT HAPPENED FAST! But seriously though I’m not sure where the month went. I got a promotion, a bit of a raise, discussed with my hubs of us moving to the other side of the country - which he is on board with since both mental and physical health would be better out there. Applying for other jobs on his end to help us get out there. Near daily phone calls with my cousin (who is literally like the same person as me so that’s fun) who is ALSO encouraging the move. Had my birthday, chocolate cake with cannoli filling is now my new fave JS.

That brings us to this month - February.

Today is the holiday about love, chocolate, expected “spontaneity “ and way too much over commercialization. ( I’m cackling right now. ) My hubs bday is in two days and we are traveling two hours north to eat at a restaurant that im not a huge fan of purely because I’m so damn picky to celebrate all the winter bdays I. My in-laws family. There are five of us with winter bdays so that’s fun. I was really hoping they’d pick a restaurant closer to us for once since we are the ones traveling the furthest nearby all the time. Did I mention that it’s a rare day off that both the hubs and I have at the same time? What do I get to do? Put on real pants, makeup (I usually refer to it as war paint but I don’t want to be called out for not being PC. However in this case it really is a bit of a war for me. At least socially. ) and drive two hours north with sporadic anxiety attacks. Yay me!

In other news Taemin and Hwasa released music this week and I’m LIVING FOR IT! Oh and BlackPink is coming to North America for TOUR! Ugh! I’m trying to figure out how to afford going!!

If you haven’t already watched “Want” by Taemin get to it already!! Like seriously...I don’t think anything better expresses the meaning behind “Want” in reference to desire better than this song.

#hwasa #mamamoo hwasa #hwasa twit #taemin #taemin want #want taemin #lostmoonbunny #marriedlifeishard #love #happy valentines day #happy valentines day 2019 #i love you all #find love in the little things #blackpink #blackpink north american tour #blink #2019

[lostmoonbunny]

Timeline and a Pinky Promise

Well folks my conundrum has a solution and it came about by my husband. This evening he asked me, quite out of the blue to be honest, if I still wanted kids if I wouldn’t mind us trying in two years. (Which puts me older than I wanted but I could probably swing a year and a half but I’m not going to push it right now. ) I asked him what brought this on and he said “I felt awful about saying I wanted kids and then changing my mind and waiting to tell you, I could also tell you’ve been in a funk over it, and I realized you’re right about the affordability of a child.” He told me that in all reality that his parents most likely wouldn’t have been able to afford all three siblings plus their extra curriculars on the salaries of two teachers without help and support from family both in physical and occasional financial means and my own folks were able to make it with my brother and I with our curriculum and extra curriculars (as we were homeschooled, me 7-12 and my brother 3-12) with help from others sometimes.

The big issue of could he develop resentment for me or the child was also a worry but he swears he never could feel that way to someone that was part of both of us or towards me, and I believe him because we’ve had our moments and even when I kept a huge secret from him (when we were dating) he still never hated me or felt negative towards me for it. He felt concerned and hurt for me that I would ever fell the need to feel the way I did. (TLDR: Mom made me paranoid about something and so I hid the issue from him because people never do anything to just be nice when in actuality my husband is the kind of person that does things for others because he genuinely wants too. ) So I know he wouldn’t hate me or resent me, but sometimes irrational fears get me. (Yes my mother makes me a bit crazy. )

So now I have a timeline with is more than I had before and I have a promise. A pinky promise which with us is serious business, and if you’ve seen the Pixar film “UP” then you get it. While I’m not in a funk or depressed about this I’m still a bit sad because I have to watch the children around me grow up as I still wait and that’s going to be a hard thing for me...but I’m going to try and be patient. He’s made his promise so I will do everything I can to wait for our time. Fate always finds a way.

Buuuut if we are going to be entirely honest, I’m deffo going to go and add more things to my Amazon wishlist and Pinterest boards that are dedicated to my future child. ...I wasn’t kidding when I said that I wanted children very badly. 🤷🏻‍♀️

#pinkypromise #promise #pinky promise #lostmoonbunny #marriedlifeishard #married #married couple #love #married life is hard #marriedlife #marriage #i want to be a mom #i want to be a parent #timeline #i now have a timeline #twoyears #he made a promise

[lostmoonbunny]

The worst day I have ever spent on my favorite holiday.

Today is Halloween, Samhain, Fall Harvest, All Hallow’s Eve and it’s my very favorite holiday. This evening I am spending it alone. Why? My SO has to work. That’s not the issue.

As I’m sure anyone who has actually read my mostly whiny tumblr blog-style posts then you know I’m a bit of a whiner, married, struggles with anxiety, tries to be upbeat, and haven’t actively revealed how I or my significant other identifies and that’s because I was (poorly) attempting to be the tiniest bit anonymous.

So now we come back to my complaint, to the present. Tonight is my favorite holiday of the year and I’m home, alone, my plans have fallen through due to my anxiety ridden negligence and the mentioning of something that I have dreamt of since I was a teen being once again pushed aside and that dream would be, becoming a mother.

I realize that may not seem like a dream most teen girls have but it’s something I’ve always wanted. I adore children. My nieces and nephews, younger cousins, friends younger siblings and their children now. I have nothing but an over abundance of unconditional love for them. I always have. We joke and say the portion of maternal instincts that were supposed to go to my mother skipped her and came to me so I got a double helping and sometimes it’s true. I desperately long to be a mother. To go through the ups and downs of carrying a child, giving birth, and raising this tiny human...it’s something I’ve had actual dreams of.

“So what’s the issue?” you may be thinking. “You’re married” yeah well that’s part of my conundrum. My husband didn’t tell me that he had changed his mind in having children until after we were married. Knowing that since we very first started dating in 2009 that I wanted to one day have children, tells me after we are married that he doesn’t want kids. My heart just dropped. I had married this man that I have been in love with for seven years and been through so much with only to find out that he held a huge secret from me. “Then just don’t have kids” I’ve been told. If only turning that yearning off was so easy. I have been planning for kids for literal decades, even to the point that my husband and I have even discussed names and how we want to raise kids, vacations, health, goals, etc for our now hypothetical children. Then we come to earlier today...

My plans of spending my holiday with my BiL and SiL fell through (and that is a topic for a different day.) so I was having a moment (for lack of better term) and the hubs was talking me down and somehow I mentioned having kids and he firmly said that he “doesn’t want children and even if he did we couldn’t afford it. “. Which only made me retreat into myself because whenever I bring it up this is the reasoning: A) We can’t afford/have space for a child or B) I have no intention of have children, I don’t want any. I do love my husband and I want to be considerate of his feelings but I honestly don’t want to spend my life not having “My First Birthday” or “My High School Graduation” and watch all of my friends and family experience that with their own kids and not constantly wonder what it would be like or potentially build up resentment against my hubs for hiding this from me till we were married. Just thinking about it makes me sob and I have on more than one occasion. However he has said that he could never keep that from me knowing just how badly this is something I want. I could never have a child with him knowing he had no intention of ever having kids and the potential of him resenting me or this child.

So I sit in my living room in the dark rewatching Sherlock Holmes because I am in a loop and it makes my heart hurt, my depression kick in and I lose all motivation to do absolutely anything but retreat into myself and watch Netflix/YouTube/kdramas/anime.

So what do I do? Where do I go from here? I’m tired of feeling like my relationship is going literally no where. We don’t go on dates, we don’t have fun together, we don’t have any form of intimacy anymore. (And yes that includes sex. That has been like a month) I feel like I have a roommate that I share a bed with platonically, hold hands in the car, watch YouTube videos, eat with, and talk about boobs with. Literally that is our daily life. I have told him my feelings before but he just blames it on his job for his lack of energy for the horizontal hokey pokey, and our differening schedules and promises for the weekend only it doesn’t happen. I’ll be off from work for nearly a week coming up and I can guarantee that it won’t change.

I don’t want to have a child with my husband and risk him resenting me or the child, I don’t want to live with regrets and potentially build resentment for not having a child.

So in the end here I sit. Heartsick, in tears, conflicted, and sad. On my favorite holiday. Alone.

(( I just tried to add some spacing and lost a huge chunk of my post and now I’m even more upset. ))

#halloween #lostmoonbunny #marriedlifeishard #married #married couple #love #marriage #married life is hard #marriedlife #issues #i want to be a mom #he doesn’t want to be a dad #yes i know i whine a lot #heartsick #confused #halloween is my favorite holiday #alone #anxiety #depression #i don’t know what to do

[lostmoonbunny]

I’m tired of waiting.

Tonight at dinner my SO said that the little girl behind us was stealing their heart. Which in turn gave me so much hope that maybe...just maybe they would finally be down for giving it a shot. What is “it” in this instance? “It” would be having a child, or trying to have a child.

I have wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember and at the beginning of our relationship I made it known and at the time they wanted kids too, but now? It’s like that Katy Perry song, Hot & Cold. Somedays my SO is all for it and others not so much. Then you have the “We aren’t in a position to really able able to have children right now. “ answer which is the favorite.

(Hell we haven’t even done the deed in over a month, and believe me I’m getting frustrated. Not that I’ve got the “urge to merge” all the time, but the lack of intimacy is taking its toll on me.)

Now granted we aren’t the best off right now, but we aren’t so bad off that we couldn’t make it work. Unless you’re extremely affluent, who is really prepared for a child?

When I mentioned that we could “totally try for our own” I was in the most roundabout way turned down. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disregarding my SO’s feelings but after being told “I’d never take away your chance of being a parent, I know how much it means to you. “ on more than one of occasion as well as given small glimpses of hope that it will happen it’s hard to come to terms with being childless. **see note below**

I’m so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed everytime. My heart is so hurt by it. I’m close to my thirties and I have said from day one that I wanted to have at least one child by now and yet..I am human child-less.

I want to give up.

At this point I feel like it’s never going to happen for me and I’m just going to have that piece of my life unfulfilled and that hurts in ways I can’t put to words.

**If being childless is a choice you’ve made then that’s great or if it’s a giving birth/adoption issue then please understand I am not disregarding that either and can not fathom how that feels so please don’t take the complaints of someone as insult. That’s the furthest thing from my mind. **

#children #birth #i want to be a parent #lostmoonbunny #marriedlifeishard #married #married couple #married life is hard #marriedlife #marriage #dreaming

[lostmoonbunny]

Hard Decisions are infact, Horrible.

Today I had to make a horrible decision. Okay so last night I really had to and by this morning it was finalized.

Let me take this back a few years...

Eleven years ago my mother and I bought sister puppies from a breeder. (The second and third dogs ever gotten from a breeder I might add. We are very much an “Adopt don’t shop” family. ) Bringing then home my mother tells me that she would like for them both to have a litter of puppies and then spay them. Why, I still to this day don’t know why I listened to her but I had no money and was a child, so I did as I was told. (I also hadn’t gone through the biggest changes of my life yet so I was a completely different human then.) I now wish I had pestered her more about spaying them because as they got older they had their health issues, or well at first it was just my mother’s dog, but slowly mine followed suit.

Which brings us to a week or so ago when my mother calls me with chilling news. “You dog has cancer. We were going to remove her growth but we can’t because it could kill her. We could have weeks or we could have days, so you should come see her. “ No one wants to hear that news. Turns out being spayed could have reduced her chances of cancer. According to the vet cancer is very common in this breed of dog but it’s more so common once their hormones change. Needless to say when my mother told me this I wanted to scream.

Also you maybe wondering “Why didn’t you have the dog if she was yours?” Well remember how I mentioned that we got siblings? Well I was still home then so the two dogs grew up side by side. Separation wasn’t ideal by the time I got my own home and could have her.

Anyway, so last week the SO and I went up and spent the afternoon with her and she acted like the picture of perfect health. I’m talking happy attitude, exuberant energy, eating and drinking all the foods. Just the happiest of pups, just one with a growth on her body. Everything was good until my mother calls me yesterday (or well by the time this posts it will be a few days prior so we shall say Thursday) and tells me that she’s gotten worse and the growth has ulcerated and she is bleeding a lot and it isn’t looking good so I say I’ll come back up Friday after the SO gets off work and spend the rest of the day with her because I can’t make a judgment call without firsthand knowledge. Mother agrees and that was that, or so I thought. She calls me back that night while I’m painting and tells me that it’s even worse and it’s the worst she’s seen and that she doesn’t think she will last the weekend and that I had better come earlier than planned so I can have more time with her. At this point I’ve tried to turn my emotions off so I numbly make plans to get there earlier.

Today I get my father to pick me up and I come home to see my dog. She has a tired smile on her face but wants to run in the back yard anyway, so off we go immediately. I watch her lope about sniffing here, chasing a bird over there, just being her usually happy go lucky self. Then the breeze shifts and I am hit with the smell, it’s a smell I know all too well because after all I once worked in a big box pet store. It’s the smell of death. If you’ve never smelled it I pray you never have too because those of us who have smelled it knows it sticks in your nose of a while, even if you change clothes. It’s there, that horrible awful scent.

That’s when I knew, I knew I could not make her stay when her body was literally shutting down. I knew that she was being her happy go lucky self for our sakes. That was when I agreed with my mother. We had to let her go. The thought tore my heart to pieces. She’s the second dog I had from puppyhood that I would have to send over the Rainbow Bridge, but I refused to do it with tears in my eyes because I knew she would just try to make me feel better.

So she got her cheeseburger and her puppichino that we normally wouldn’t give her due to her tendency to gain weight easily. Boy did she go to town. We made paw print impressions together and we made a lap around the yard together. All things she loved.

Of course being my dog she tried to fight it. Both the cancer and the medicine. I never said she wasn’t stubborn. Loyal, stubborn, and hardheaded.

Truly my dog.

Letting her go is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know it was the right decision but my heart is wounded right now.

I will eternally love you Kaith Artemis. Watch over me please.

Hard decisions SUCK.

#sad day #lostmoonbunny #hard decisions #hard decisions suck #cancer sucks #dog cancer sucks too #i will miss you #rainbow bridge #dog #its always the best ones #i miss you #trying to shut down my emotions right now #saying goodbye is hard #my dogs are my family #eleven years of doggy ears

[lostmoonbunny]

Coming up for Air

Life has hit me hard and I really feel like I’m just now able to come up for air. The past three weeks have just been a slap in the face, punch to the gut, and a kick to the knees. While this doesn’t explain my absence maybe it will shed light on the chaos that fate has seemed to drop on my life recently.

Where to start?

Well I guess let’s start with the most recent thing that not even the SO knows about yet and that’s the discovery of a patch of water under the paint on the wall in the kitchen and the rug that was doused in some animal pee. That I discovered because my best friend FaceTimed me because he was having a health related issue and needed moral support. To which I get out of bed, leave the room (as to not disturb my sleeping SO) and shit the door behind me. I walk into the kitchen and step on the rug below the sink only to discover a puddle. This is a new rug so I’m beyond unhappy and now as I type this I have realized who it was. Dang it dog, I though we had worked though this. I BOUGHT A NEW DAMN RUG BECAUSE OF YOU! Anyway I proceed to take the rug to the laundry room when a weird bubble on the wall catches my eye and and I ask my best friend’s opinion on it and then spend the next 15/20 minutes lancing and drying out this bubble of water from I don’t know where so hopefully it doesn’t lead to mold and mildew problems. Once all of this is done I proceed to have a nice conversation with my best friend and end the evening.

Now to go backwards.

From that we have the past week of my dog being in pain due to his innate ability to ignore me and rocket propel himself from heights and mess up his back. Sorry grandpa, no more leaping up for you for a while. When I finally figured out that it was most likely his back I began to panic and stress about if he was going to be okay, if I was going to loose my job because I’ve had to take off so much recently, and how we were going to afford all of this. Getting yelled at by my mother did absolutely nothing to help my anxiety in all of this (her only child that came to the hospital and yet she yells at me. Keep reading you’ll see what I’m talking about. ) Luckily I was able to take him to the vet and they said it wasn’t a rupture but just some bruising and due to his age we were going to medicate him for a few weeks while it heals. My dog is an older dachshund so I get a little overprotective of him. (I’ve had him longer than my entire relationship with my SO. )

Then there was the week before...

And that was one hell of a week. It started off fine, until midweek when my dad calls and tells me my mother is being transferred to a hospital that is in my area because she fell. I was too worried till he told me that they already had to call an ambulance to take her to to hospital in my hometown first.

The one thing about my parents and emergency care is: unless you are bleeding out, shot, dying, having a heart attack/stroke, or head injury you NEVER CALL THE AMBULANCE. EVER. They are expensive and money doesn’t grow on trees. This has been the mantra my ENTIRE life. So when dad says the word ambulance my stomach drops and I feel the blood drain from my face. He explains that they just left and that she hit her head and they found a bleed on her brain which is why they transferred her. We hang up, I text the SO telling them that we were going to the hospital after work and then immediately call my sister because she’s one of the few people that can talk me off a cliff (proverbial or otherwise). She gets me to calm the hell down and tells me to keep her updated. I should also mention she is a nurse in the hospital in our hometown so she had explained that it was better my mother was transferred due to resources and equipment.

We go to hospital and I tell the person at the desk who we are here for that this is my mother and the lady says “ She’s in trauma, they will call you and let you know what’s going on. Just take a seat and wait. “ My anxiety has just heightened to a new level because no one wants to hear that their mother is in trauma.

We are called back I shown where my mother is being kept and it’s one of the single most terrifying things I’ve ever seen. My mother barely covered to her chin with a white blanket, laying flat with all sorts of IVs and hospital I’d bracelets surrounded by machines and lights. I walk up to her as if I’ve seen a ghost and take her hand and say quietly “I’m here Mama.” To which she groggily replies, “Hey baby” and then “I want to go home” the latter repeated a few times through boughts of her squeezing my hand in pain. It’s at this point I start to lose it and I have to prop my forehead on the rail of the bed to cry so she doesn’t see me. I can’t let her see me cry right now, she needs me to keep it together. She never said this, but I know. It’s been my role for years. We proceed to sit with her for maybe another fifteen minutes before they kick us out of the bay due to another person coming in. We are sent back to the waiting room and proceed to sit there for the next two or three hours. My dad shows up shortly after we make it back to the waiting room. During the waiting my Dad tells me how this has all happened while I update my brother through text. My mother (in her stubbornness) was cleaning the gutters and fell from the ladder and hit head first on the ground and blacked out.

We wait.

We wait some more.

Then we are told she is doing better and being sent up to a room and we meet with her and ride up the big elevators. They proceed to tell us we have to wait some more while they set her up in her room and shoo us off towards yet another waiting room and after maybe 40 minutes of waiting dad decides to take matters into his own hands and go find her. A few minutes later he texts me and we go back too. Mom is more alert and we visit for a moment before the staff tell us she going to go back for more scans and my mother kicks the SO and I out telling us to go home. So we say our good byes and the wheel her off and Dad takes us to eat at a place across the street. At this point I have not eaten for over six hours and my body is both repelling food and craving food. Factor in the anxiety and it’s not a winning combo. We eat and chat and then go home.

The next day we go back and she’s much more alert and conscious. We talk and visit and she rests. My dad had to go back home for more clothes and the likes so we plan on staying till he gets back. During this the doc is wanting to do another test and Mom green lights it. We sit in another waiting room for about 45 minutes. My anxiety was high. It probably wouldn’t have been as high if my mother hadn’t said “tell your dad I love him” “tell your brother I love him” right before the test. It took all I had to not sob right then. My mother is not a sentimental creature so words like that carry much sway. The test goes great the doctor is thrilled and green lights her discharge for that night/next day depending on the trauma staff. When we get back we wait for a few hours till dad gets back and fill him in with the news and everything and mom shoos is off telling us to go home and that she will be fine. So we go home with dad on mom duty.

Next day I’m scheduled to go in later for work and my boss tells me to stay and be with my mom. Which I was immensely grateful for. We visit more and it follows the same pattern.

During all of this I’m eating little and taking potentially high doses of pepto, texting my small circle of friends/family about what’s going on and just generally trying to keep calm. My SO is a damn champ because I did lash out and they took it like boss. I still feel bad about it and I immediately apologized afterwards admitting my wrong.

My mother has been released and is home slowly getting her sense of normalcy back. She is absolutely forbidden to do the gutters and my brother and I are going to figure out a system. She thinks it won’t happen.

My brother never showed up at the hospital. (Yeah, this is what I was talking about and yes I do realize it’s fucked up. )

I shut down most of my emotions while my mother was in the hospital, they didn’t start to resurface until the night I called my parents about my dog. Which I finally got to sob over everything and proceeded to sob in the floor of my bathroom. I cried over my mother, my dog, the injustice of how my mother was treating me. Just all of it finally caught up with me.

I’m still not eating loads, but my stomach isn’t revolting against me anymore so that’s a plus.

Since all of this I’ve just been trying to take everything as it comes. I’m still not fully sure how to deal with the issue with my mother in the hospital and what I saw and felt there but I’m also not ready to unpack that baggage yet.

I’m going to leave this ar this point because really that’s where I am right now. Confused, jumbled, unsure, and exhausted.

Sometimes it’s just better to just be here.

#lostmoonbunny #married #married couple #love #marriedlifeishard #married life is hard #life update #mother #father #emotions

[lostmoonbunny]

I don’t really have much of a title, but oh well.

Like the title states I don’t have much of a particular subject but, I want to make a post since it’s been a hot minute since I’ve done that.

It’s currently spring. Well technically, but when you live in the south it’s more like sprummer, sumig, or whatever combination of the words “spring” and “summer” you can come up with. “Oh but now it’s getting warmer so that must be nice!” Pfft yeah, sure. You’ve obviously not been in a southern US state in between the months of May and October. It’s hot, humid, and moist almost constantly. Of course around October it starts to cool off during the evenings but in my opinion we could use a good bitter cold. As much as I gripe about winter, I really do prefer it and cooler autumns to spring and summer. I loathe being hot, glistening, and frizzy.

Another thing about warm months I dislike are those things that fall In the big or creepy crawly category. The homeowner prior to us failed to mention that the bugs attracted to the neighbors behind us homes, would use OUR home as a maternity ward. We aren’t about that life in the least as well as I loathe antbeds. So I might have gone overboard with the spray.

Besides the horrid heat and the bugs, I also start to shut down when I get to hot or too cold. Like my body just says “nope, go to sleep” and usually pass TF out. Not sure why exactly but it happens.

Since I’m falling asleep typing this I guess I’ll go to bed so I can better about posting these. It’s late at night her so I wish you all the best and happy dreams! 💜

💜

#summer #lostmoonbunny #random #summerthoughts #imsleepy #sleep #winter #ihatebugs

[lostmoonbunny]

Welp, I failed at that goal...this time.

So my daily or semi-daily blog attempts have turned into super sporadic check ins. Sorry about that. Well here I am, and let me tell you I’m doing great.

I walk everyday now. My SO says it’s not enough to really cause a change but idk, I walk way more than I used too and drink even more water than have. Working for the zoo has really made the most healthy change in my life since I first moved out of my parents house nearly a decade ago. Not only do I walk a lot I sometimes (almost daily) carry a 20lb bag on my back or across my shoulders, and on occasion push a buggy with around 5-10lb in addition to the bag.. something is happening because I do tend to sweat! Lol.

Outside of the heavy lifting (yes, I am indeed a wimp with a capital W) and the walking my job is seriously great. My worst day there beats my best day at my old job out of the park. Pun not intended. I’ve even made a few friendships and I can see them lasting much longer than some of the others I have.

But enough about my ever increasing love for my job, let talk about something else that is if right now, Infinitey Wars.

IF ANY JERKWAD SPOILS A:IW I WILL FIND YOU AND FEED YOU SUGAR FREE HARIBO GUMMYHELLBEARS.

Well I’m gonna have to duck out, my Benadryl is kicking. Oh yeah found out a few weeks ago I’m no longer immune to poison oak/ivy/sumac. Worst. Time. Ever. I still have to take an antihistamine at night just to ensure I don’t scratch myself to the bleeding point in my sleeping - because if I can I will and it suck.

Bye for now!!

LMS

#zoo #poisonivysucks #iusedtobeimmuned #happy #happyjob #walking #water #fallingasleepwhilehashtagging #lostmoonbunny

[lostmoonbunny]

Adulting is hard, I need an Easy button!

While nothing major has happened, I’ve observed recently just how life is different at different ages of your twenties. I have several coworkers (including my boss) that are younger than I am and some of their issues, actions, and speech just makes me realize how much of a gap there is.

Well that and their eating habits. Ugh I wish I could still eat like that.

Seriously, I wish I could still eat Taco Bell at 2AM and the only thing I regret is having to make a sacrifice to the porcelain gods later.

For instance it’s midnight and I’m snacking on crackers but I know I will regret the calories later along with the sodium and the fact that I’m having to worry about it at all just makes me realize that I should have worked harder when I was younger on my eating habits so it wouldn’t be so hard for me to change as I got older. )and yes, despite my snarfing down crackers right now I am putting a honest effort into changing my eating habits)

I’ve also noticed that I’m saying “When I was your age” a whole hell of a lot more than when I used to tease my kid brother. Before I know it I’ll be yelling at those young whippersnappers to get off my lawn.

On the flipside I’m becoming more confident in myself as an adult. Even if I am still self conscious of myself and as a child of my parents I still feel as if I’ll never be enough for them, but my SO makes me feel as if I am always enough (even when we fight and I say otherwise, when it boils away I still feel enough) and that is helping me to gain confidence in myself.

I guess this is really just a post for me to whine again...but then most of them have been me whining. I hope my complaints can help someone at least. Despite my complaints and infrequent posts I really do enjoy blogging or what where you’d call my ramblings.

#ramblings #complaining #just let me complain #whining #married life is hard #easy button #age #learning about myself

[lostmoonbunny]

David Ogden Stiers: 1942-2018

[For Disney, David also narrated several Winnie the Pooh projects, Mr. Jolly in Teacher’s Pet, Fenton Q. Harcourt in Atlantis: The Lost Empire, the Archdeacon in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Wiggins in Pocahontas, as well as reprising his roles as Cogsworth, Radcliffe, and Jumba in various shorts, spinoffs, and video games]

[lostmoonbunny]

Wiggins, why do you think those insolent heathens attacked us? We invaded their land, cut down their trees and dug up their earth?

Rest In Peace David Ogden Stiers (October 31, 1942 – March 3, 2018)

[lostmoonbunny]

Changing me, little by little.

So I decided I would embark on one of those “30 Day [insert here] Workout” that everyone wants to change their shape with immediately. I have trouble with my stomach and my stomach muscles so I went with a 30 day ab work out that had varying degrees of fitness levels. Since I’m a late 20’s version of Joe Gatto I have chosen to start out on beginner level 1. We are on Day Five and I can do 15 sit ups before I become breathless.

Let me say that again, 15 fucking sit ups before I am out of breath on day 5.

I am beyond stoked. Day One I could only do 3 and I was hugging and puffing. I’m proud of myself, baby steps but I know in another 5 days I should be able to do 25/30 without needing to take a 10 second breather. You see I’ve never been extremely sporty or physically inclined. In grade school I was above average for flexibility but not like Gumby level, and the shuttle run was my jam. Anything harder than that and I was a goner. I’ve never been able to do a pull up. Late 20’s and I’ve never accomplished that. I’m hoping to fix that before I turn 30. Literally if I do nothing else in the way of physical fitness besides take control of my stomach muscles, I want to be able to do a damn pull up.

Anyway I’ve gone off on a tangent. What I was originally saying before I went on about my lack of physical prowess, is I realize that in 30 da I’m not going to be super slim, especially when I’m still eating things like fried chicken, French fries (omg I adore potatoes 🥔) and all matter of sweets. But I ultimately want to be able to sit up with ease and not be breathless, and work my way to being slimmer, I’ve got to take baby steps and I know if I get a routine of exercising down now, when I bring in dieting it will be easier since I won’t be doing them both from the beginning at the same time.

Also while I’m working my body out I’ve decided that I wanted to try working on mindfulness too, so I downloaded the Calm App and have been working with guided meditation sessions now for four days and I can honestly say after working out it’s really nice to sit down and just meditate. I just wish I could afford the year subscription to access all features b cause two of the guided sessions I’m working on ( three total) are for anxiety and stress. When my free trial is up I’m gonna be bummed because having that calm neutral place to go to while I work out what is stressing me out or causing me to be anxious has really been lovely. There are times I get so focused on my breathing and just being in the moment that I forget time and the narrator is calling an end to the session.

After I meditate I have a journal that was given to me as a gift at our wedding. I write a line or two in it as it’s a five year line a day journal. When I finish that I write more in my personal journal and bullet point my tasks for the next day. I haven’t felt this accomplished and relaxed in a while so I’m really wanting to get this down in my routine. Basically I take one hour for just me and I never realized that one hour a day is really what I needed. I’ve taken an hour once a week or so before but I’ve never felt this level of calm and accomplishment.

So maybe it really it a good thing to take time for yourself and just live in that moment. Don’t worry about anything else just be in that moment.

Also I’m going to try to stop forgetting to come and post. I started this as a way to journal so I’m not going to forget. Or at least I’m gonna try. I’m yawning and my eyes keep watering so it’s time for me to go to YouTube and pick a TingTing ASMR video. Her videos help me sleep more fully and more restfully so I feel like this is a way to take care of ones self too. Try it sometime.

#exercise #workout #workingout #selfcare #selfcare is serious #take time to care for you #calm app #mindfulness #meditation #meditating #getting control of my stomach muscles #a late 20’s version of Joe Gatto #joe gatto #i love pastries #i love cake #potato #i love potatoes #maybe i’m a hobbit #journalling #journal #one line jornals #sleep #lostmoonbunny #marriedlifeishard #married #tingting57 #tingting asmr #asmr #i sleep better #stress meditation class

[lostmoonbunny]

I have no clue what to title this..

Yesterday we went to a festival thrown by a local Asian supermarket. The food was so wonderful and I was encouraged to continue learning Chinese as well as I’m considering going to Tai Chi classes...No I think it’s more like a gathering. My SO and I had a blast and even ate some delish food. I had the best pork cutlet noodle soup and they had pork intestines with eggplant. My SO is glad they tried it but probably never getting it again. 😂 My favorite thing I ate was a simple Korean pancake. I’m even happier because I got delicious milk tea and we bought my favorite cheese cakes and matching rice bowls. They have cats on them.

Other than that we have gotten to really connect and just enjoy being together.

Those are my favorite days.

Aaaannnnnddd We watched the season premiere of The Walking Dead. Let’s just say I’m not happy but I get it.

[lostmoonbunny]

We shall see how this goes..

Well today I start a journey that I hope goes well. I’m actually really nervous. What is this thing I’m embarking on you ask? Training for my new job actually. Even though it’s a retail position and I can handle retail, it’s the location I’m freaking out over. I’m going to still keep that a secret till it’s over though.

What I can tell you is it’s not anything in a need to know type of business or anything that a fancy pants type of place so those visions of grandeur can go poof now. It’s a family oriented place and no it’s not a pet store.. *shudders* unless I move back north of my current location I don’t plan on doing that ever again.

I’m going to be working somewhere that actually has a “uniform” for the first time and I’m coming in at a point where they will be changing some things over so I’m hoping this will turn into something potentially career building. Sky knows I’m going to try hard for it too.

I noticed that I now have a follower! Welcome to my ramblings. May my actions (or lack there of) help your life in someway. Even if that is laughing at my incredibly ridiculous self that is better than not laughing at all. 😁

Anywhozies, I’m going for training and I’m nervous about it even though the manager said they loved me when I interviewed and was hired. Why am I nervous? Well this isn’t a big box store like I’ve worked for in the past, it’s not a mom and pop business or a local store chain. All of which I have worked for in the past. It’s more of an attraction type of business and that is out of my comfort zone. I don’t like being out of my comfort zone now days. Maybe when I was ten years younger but now days... tch...

Okay I’m going to stop stressing and get ready to go. Maybe this won’t be a nightmare, and maybe the weather will hold off as it looks like the sky will open up and drench everything.

More later.

#nervous #new job #new journey #potential career #getting out of my comfort zone #lostmoonbunny #welcome new followers #hey i got a follower #still not saying what it is yet #don’t rain please #anywhozies

[lostmoonbunny]

I can’t believe I caught up...

So I’m really really REALLY behind on this whole tumblr blog thing.. but a memory popped up on my FB with an imgur post of a blog here. It was from The Setup Wizard. So I do a bunch of clicking only to find out it’s here... on the tumblrs so I immediately stopped surfing Facebook and at 2am started reading the posts from The Setup Wizard from the beginning and as of 3:53am I am caught up.

And I loved every minute of it!

Should I be doing the “responsible adult” thing and be sleeping right now? Probably, but this Slytherin had to binge on all of the Hogwarts goodness.

Oh yeah, I’m a Slytherin. I’m a Slytherin that is married to a Hufflepuff.

Personally I feel that’s a dangerous combo... If you understand that leave me a shout. 😎

Anywhozies, (Shout our to Swoozie for making that apart of my actual vocabulary.) that is one epic blog and I would love that job, IT for Hogwarts? I mean my tech skills are nil but I’m good for sarcasm.

That’s all I’ve got right now, but I’m sure I’ll have something to say later. I’m trying to shift my posts to more upbeat things for a while since I started out kinda intense.. not that anyone really reads these but it’s cool.

I’m happy and that’s what matters.

#the setup wizard #the setup wizard fan #slytherin #slytherpride #other half is a hufflepuff #hufflepride #slytherpuff household #lostmoonbunny #anyone out there? #don’t hurt a Slytherin’s Hufflepuff they will harm you #jonathan dart #em and addy #jess faux #billy broadview #i love this blog