#I can't fucking control what I'm scared of

[bunnys-kisses]

i only got eyes for you

col. alejandro vargas

cw: smut/pwp, protective!alejandro (borderline possessive), body worship, tender sex, missionary position

bunny says: like the fic? leave a comment! really like the fic? suggest your own. i'm always opened to new ideas <3

"do i scare you, dove?" he asked as he hand trailed up your thigh, pushing up the rather short skirt you wore. his dark eyes met yours as he smiled, "i've done a lot of bad things for the sake of safety."

you sat down in his lap and cupped his face tenderly, there was a small buzz in your head from the feeling of your lover's broad hand on your thigh. you leaned in close to him and replied, "alejandro. you're a good man, you could never convince me otherwise. i'm not scared of you."

he reached for your hair and combed his fingers through it, "good." he smiled then pulled you gently to his lips.

-

you knew that alejandro was a good man. he was protective in a way that some would view as alarming. at times it put him at odds with himself, was he keeping you trapped like a bird?

but if something happened to you.

the idea of losing you had him double checking the locks before bed. he left extra kisses on your neck before he left for missions. and always came home with flowers.

you met him by chance, you were in university in the city he was stationed at. you just thought he was a charming man, until you found his id in his wallet the next morning. you had slept with a special operative. he caught you with his wallet in your hand, for a moment you thought that he was going to pull out some fighting moves and knock you out... or worse.

"i guess you found my little secret. i lied about my name. it's not eliseo." he shrugged, "can't be going around and giving away my identity, even to pretty girls." he closed the gap between you two, he held onto your chin and looked at you, "but i am curious how alejandro sounds on your tongue."

i mean what were you supposed to do, not invite him for breakfast. after that it felt like your two lives sort of melded together. he came home from long grueling missions and would just lie on top of you. he wanted to make sure that his woman was safe till his return.

"no one else touched you, right?" he asked lowly as his hands ran up and down your arms.

you squirmed occasionally in his touch and replied, "not a soul. i'd never want anyone else alejandro. i thought about you every day." then you started to slowly kiss him.

he made a soft noise against you as his calloused hands roamed up the front of your sleeping shirt. you're the one he came home too, the woman he'd go through hell for.

and what a beautiful woman you were. it was why he worried so much about other men getting their hands on you. you were his slice of heaven and would bend the earth to make sure that you stayed that way.

call him possessive, but to lose someone so precious would turn him into a man who could not be contained by any means. so as his hands trailed your stomach, his heated gaze on you, you felt under his control.

"alejandro." you said softly.

he kissed you once more and toyed with your breast under your shirt. he heard you soft noise in your kiss then pulled away and looked down at you, "yes, my dove." both hands were still under your shirt, he was touching you gently.

"did you miss me?" you pouted.

he smiled softly and kissed you on the forehead, "every second we were apart it felt like hours." he slowly pulled the shirt over your head and exposed your breasts to him.

he kissed you once more as he started to work on his pants, which he kicked to the bottom of the bed, his hands then hooked into the waistband of your sweatpants before they were off too. in a tussle on the bed, you were both stripped on your clothes.

alejandro's cock was quite impressive. he chuckled and told you he was just "average" but you were certain that "average" didn't feel like it was in the back of your throat every time he fucked you.

he gazed down at you, "you'd tell me if anyone tried to touch you, right?" he leaned in once more, your noses almost touching. his energy was almost intimidating, it made you stomach twist in a good way.

he was feared, that was certain. he didn't get to where he was by being a pacifist. if he got his hands dirty, even for a good cause, it meant others got to stay clean. simple as that.

you both laid in bed together, where he kissed along your heated skin. he kissed along the hills and valleys of your body. the plushness under his hands as he held your hips. a goddess. a symbol of the divine feminine. the thought made him smile as he slowly kissed your breasts. he could almost feel your heartbeat.

"nothing will ever hurt you, my dove." he said softly as he gazed at you briefly before he pressed more kisses. he worshiped your body in ways that made his cock twitch.

that was why he found himself to be on the possessive side when it came to you. your name, location and other information was under a tight lock and key.

he pressed his head up against your stomach and held your hips for a moment. he exhaled deeply, "never leave me." he said out loud, but internally said, or i will have to find you.

sometimes it slipped out, the obsessive need to know that he'd never be without you. while you never noticed the intensity of what he was saying, it simply meant he could continue to pile on the security to keep his dove safe.

you ran your fingers through his dark hair and said, "alejandro. i would never, i love you too much." you watched him look up at you once more and take your hand off his hand to kiss it.

"then be good and let me take care of you." he let go and pulled away from you. he got between your legs, his cock at full attention. he rubbed it gently against the entrance of your slit. the wetness made a shiver run through him.

you reached out for him, but ended up with your hands buried in the covers. you loved him deeply, even if he could be off-putting. you labelled him as protective, even if your friends thought he was a little possessive. like who needed to check on the cameras in the house if it was just you there? but you shrugged it off, he just wanted you safe. what was wrong with that?

"are you ready, my dove." he said softly. your pussy was enticing to him, the feeling of your heat around his cock was like muscle memory, baked into his core.

you nodded, "i'm always ready for you."

he smirked. so eager, so soft and gentle. of course you fell for a man like him, you needed someone to protect you. keep you safe against a world that would take you limb from you. he leaned forward as pushed his cock deep inside of you with ease.

he chest was pressed against yours as he put his weight on you. kept you pinned down to the bed as he fucked your cunt. the sounds of your love making filled the room. your noises sounded angelic to him.

a paradise for his pleasure, the most beautiful woman in the world letting him rut his cock into you. he dug his nose into your hair as he held your hips. he moved against you, he could feel the racing of your heart.

he chuckled, "good girl. my good girl." as his grip tightened a little more. he continued to thrust into you, your bodies moved together in a rhythm that made both of you hot all over.

the kissing became sloppier as you felt your head begin to feel dizzy. despite the rush of hormones in your body, it still felt hazy as you partner held you tightly and fucked into your tight head.

he gave you soft words of praise as he grew hotter all over. his angel. there was no other woman like you, he just thought you were simply perfect. and nothing could ever convince him otherwise. he held onto your hips and thrusted up into you.

you wrapped your legs around him tightly as you moved up and down the bed. your cheeks felt flushed, pleasure was taking over. your hands soon roamed his back as you felt the strength of him.

"mine." he simply said. then went into for another searing kiss. the electricity between you two felt hot. there was a flame in your belly as you tried to meet his pace. he simply said close to you, "stay still, my dove. be good for me."

his voice sounded darker, laced with heavy pleasure as he began to pick up the pace. he watched your expression change the deeper you fell into lust.

you moaned out loud as you felt the rush through your body. with a few more heavy thrusts of his hips, you dug your nails into his back and tightened around him. your buried your head in his shoulder and climaxed.

he held onto you as tightly as he could and fucked you. it was good proper fucking as you started to fall from your orgasmic high. he kept a good grip on you as he finished inside of you.

"alejandro!" you whimpered as you felt the pace slow down.

he slowed to a still then let go of his tight grip on your body. he kept his eyes on your blissed out expression as he pulled out and laid next to you on the bed. he reached for your face and pulled you in for another kiss.

"good girl." he purred before he settled himself beside you and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. he kept you close as he came down from his own high, his cock still soaked in your wetness.

he kissed you a few more times before he simply gazed at you with warmth in his chest. you were his girl and nothing could ever break you two apart. he simply wouldn't let it happen.

and he'd make sure you never forget who your man was. the good, proper man he was. <3

#bunny writes #call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty smut #reader insert #alejandro vargas #alejandro vargas smut #alejandro vargas x female reader #alejandro vargas x reader #call of duty fanfic #call of duty x reader #call of duty mw2 #cod modern warfare #cod mwii #alejandro x reader

[journen]

Okay @chaos-vulpix asked me for Simon & 141 encountering Koroks thoughts and so here is my little ramble

Was discussing this with some others too, so also some brainstorm credit / idea credit is owed to Govan, Kells and Goblin!! xD I'm not sure if you guys have tumblrs but I appreciate you all in also indulging in this fun silly idea with me. XD

So this is all inspired by this recent art I did of Simon with a korok lol.

I think he'd hate these little fuckers. They are small and supposed to be cute, and he is confused. Simon would encounter it and be like what the actual fuck is this thing and call Johnny for backup. Johnny thinks they're cute, and tries to convince his LT they are harmless but Ghost doesn't trust them. "These fuckers aren't in the field manual Johnny".

We also joked that Ghost, not knowing what the hell these koroks are at first, would just unload a whole mag in one but little does he know they're immune to bullets and tank the whole mag and are just like YA HA HA 😭😭😂

But maybe Ghost is actually a korok magnet lol. These little fuckers like him for some reason, against his will, and follow him everywhere. They are like lost puppies who follow Ghost around and show up when he least expects it. Disney princess Ghost with koroks. He hates it and wants them to leave him alone. One grabs his leg to give him a hug and he trips and injures himself trying to fucking kick it off and Soap just stands there laughing his ass off at him xD Simon is having a day.

I think Price would be confused by these little guys too and would tell Simon to get rid of them and Simon, exhausted, eye twitching, "I CAN'T!!" One would definitely spook the shit out of Gaz too, Gaz doesn't know what to think of the little guys xD

The koroks also leave little seeds and berries out for Ghost to find and he is so annoyed. He also thinks he has gotten rid of them all at some point only to make up in the middle of the night with one staring at him and he literally screams and it wakes up Soap.

Soap likes the little koroks but they just don't give him as much attention as they do Ghost. But he is very amused by his LT's frustration with these little beings and gets a ton of joy out of it 🤣

I have a few more drawing ideas from this too haha like Simon being cornered and scared by a bunch of koroks. Him walking and just a line of them following behind him. Soap holding a korok going "they're not so bad, LT!". Price smoking a cigar and having an intense stare down with a korok. A korok with a bunch of bullet holes 😭 just going YA HA HA and Simon having a mental breakdown.

And the thing that inspired all this was this fic I wrote that's an AU if Simon left the military to raise his young nephew Joseph, and Soap Is visiting them when he is sent on medical leave. Soap gets really into playing Zelda and when he's away Simon takes the controller to try out the game, he goes on a whole tirade of why he hates koroks xD I had totally forgotten i'd written all that and so it also inspired that artwork I linked earlier ahaha.

I definitely also think he and Soap could be a force to be reckoned with if they team up to play totk because they would absolutely engineer the most elaborate creative korok torture devices xD

Okay sorry for the long ramble ahaha. I hope some of this is kind of funny! Hope to maybe do a couple other sketches for this idea too.

#call of duty #ghost #KOROKS #journen speaks #headcanon #simon ghost riley #simon riley #modern warfare 2 #modern warfare 3 #soap #price #gaz #task force 141 #soap mactavish #john price #kyle gaz garrick #legend of zelda #breath of the wild #tears of the kingdom #zelda botw #zelda totk #simon and his koroks #korok

[tokyo-debunkers-headcanons]

Thank you for your service smol o7 this game has been on my thoughts 24/7 lol so it’s nice to see someone writing for it!!

I was hoping I could request some jealousy headcanons about the ghouls being pouty MC is hanging out with others so much because of their missions with other houses. In particular I was hoping for my boy Haku (I know we don’t have a main chapter for him yet but he did have those two chunks of screen time—if he’s too difficult because of not enough info don’t worry about it then!); as well as maybe Jin, Luca and whoever else you’d like!

Thanks again~

Just like another ask i got, I'm gonna write Haku based on the vibe I got from him. This could be proven entirely inaccurate in the later game and I am okay with that lol. I'm gonna round it to an even four characters. All these will be before any relationship actually happens. Like there's a crush there but no one has said anything yet.

And thank YOU for sending in a request and enjoying!

Be aware! These will contain minor spoilers for episode 3!

JIN KAMURAI

I feel like silver spoon Jin has no experience with certain types of jealousy. Materialistic jealousy? Doesn't know her. But when he heard how close MC had been getting with some of those Vagastrom thugs? Oh it made his blood boil.

At first I'm sure he thought it was because on of his orders was being defied. But that feeling only got stronger when MC was finished with Vagastrom and moved onto Jabberwok.

Good luck to Tohma because mans here does not know what to do about these emotions. This is one of those problems that can't be fixed with money and he is NOT happy about it. He goes back to brooding in his room for a while to think things through.

He will not tolerate any disrespect from any theories that the Frostheim gossip elite have. But when he noticed the like dove flying in the direction of MC'S dorm, things suddenly started to click in his head.

LUCAS ERRANT "LUCA"

Our boy here is another one who isn't necessarily familiar with jealousy. Its for similar reasons of, he comes from a well off family, but different in the way he was raised and things he's been through as a little kid.

He's glad to see MC making more friends and making possible progress on breaking their curse, at first. When they get to Jabberwok however, he hears from Kaito that their vice captain Towa is a bit of (how Kaito put it), "a fucking weirdo", which gives him some pause.

When Kaito came running up to Luca showing him a WickChat post about MC having a possible boyfriend (its false, its just Towa being affectionate and someone saw). He feels his heart sink a little bit

He made a mental note to text MC later to ask about it and get all the information he could about their relationship and about the Jabberwock students. He promised to protect MC not matter what. Hopefully they could explain the strange twist in his chest while they talked too.

ALAN MIDO

He doesn't really get jealous. Period.

I think he's the kind of guy to know how strong he is, he knows his reputation. He's tech hopeless, not a moron. So just being around him can scare off people from getting too close to MC while he's around.

He himself overheard about MC having a possible boyfriend (same post from Luca's) from Leo telling Sho. He didn't pay any real mind to it until he heard Leo mention how affectionate they were.

That's the one thing he gets jealous about. He's a bit more aware of his feelings than people might think, so he knows he has a crush on MC. He just hasn't had the time to tell them that.

The rumor takes some wind out of Alan's sails for sure. He's more likely to believe that MC would pick someone else over him since I think he'd be more hesitant on something like physical affection.

He knows his strength and he knows MC'S ability, he would be too afraid that he'd lose control and do something else he might regret, so out of everyone on this list. I think Alan would be the one to take longer to confess because of jealousy and his insecurities.

HAKU KUSANAGI

I don't remember if it's explicitly said anywhere (my memory sucks butt I'm sorry) but he gives older sibling energy with how he cleaned up after Taiga in the prologue. So I KNOW he's been worried about MC since they last saw eachother.

He was at least somewhat relieved when he found them hanging out with the Frostheim second years, but there was a pang in his he couldn't quite place. He chalked it up to just being a worrywart and left it alone.

But when he heard that MC had gone missing in episode 3, he was READY to jump in to go help the search and rescue team. His heart was racing and he was suddenly confronted with feelings that were coming out of left field (no they weren't)

When MC returns back safely, Haku has half a mind to go fight with the professor Hyde about sending the very human honor student on such dangerous missions. He keeps a much closer eye on them from now on and with his status as an heir to (what i assume) is a beloved shrine, he tries to request that MC be sent to work with Hotarubi next.

#tokyo debunker #frostheim #headcanons #Vagastrom #Hotarubi #jin kamurai #lucas errant #luca #Haku kusanagi #alan mido

[gemini-sensei]

Angsty poly!Hawk x Reader x Robby thought:

Miguel and Sam just had their son and they're so happy and excited. It's the first kid of their friend group so the little guy is just so loved and everyone makes a fuss over him. Hawk is so happy to be an uncle, whenever they go over to Miguel and Sam's place, he always wants to hangout with the infant even if it's just holding him while he naps. It isn't all that surprising since Hawk spends his days at the dojo teaching kids the basics of karate, which he secretly calls the secrets of badassery. Hawk loves kids, so this of course leads to him making little comments about how he can't wait to be a dad some day.

At the same time, Robby is so nervous about even the idea that he could be anyone's father in the future. Robby works with kids though, kids in tough situations who feel like they have no control over his life. But that's totally different, he swears up and down it's not the same as being a father. And he's right, it's not the same. But he thinks he's a subpar youth advocate when he's actually a lot of kids and teens favorite person to talk to. He's selling himself short. It's a whole thing.

But all this to say that when Hawk and Reader start talking about possibly having a baby, Robby doesn't know what to do. He's so scared but sees how happy the idea of a baby makes his partners, that he goes along with it. He thinks, "I'm not ready but they are, so why should my dumb little fears stop them?" He starts to pull back from their relationship without realizing it. He spends more time working than he is at home. He's helping kids elsewhere, which is noble of course, but he's throwing himself into finding resources and help for these kids than ever before. He's falling asleep at his office while his partners are at home wondering where he is.

He of course is home when Reader announces she's pregnant and Robby pulls on a smile because she's so happy and he's happy because he's happy. For a moment, he's not thinking about his fears but he is repressing them because this is real now. And in some twisted way knowing that the baby is Hawk's and not biologically his helps him not freak out so much when he steps out of the room for a glass of water. His heart is beating so hard in his chest that he thinks it might break free and fall on the floor. Also, he might puke.

Hawk comes in and stands with him, silently, for a while. Robby smiles and Hawk sees right through it. "Stop with the bullshit."

"What do you mean?"

"You're not exactly subtle, but Reader is so excited that she can't even see you fake smile. So cut the bullshit and tell me what's really going on. Are you done with us?"

"Don't with- what are you talking about?"

"The late nights, the sleeping at the office, the few mornings you stay and eat breakfast with us, you're checked out, man. So tell me the truth, are you done with us?"

Robby can only stare for a moment, so Hawk continues.

Hes struggling to keep his voice level and low, not wanting to draw Reader's attention while she's on the phone with Sam in the other room. "Ever since we started trying for this baby, it's like you stopped caring-"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it then?"

"I'm scared!" Robby nearly shouts. He takes a deep breath but the tears prick his eyes. "I'm not ready for this."

"Then why did you agree to it?"

"Becaude you two were so happy about it and I didn't want to get I the way of that."

"We could have waited."

Robby shakes his head. "You'd be waiting a long time then because I don't know when I'll actually be ready for all of this."

"We could have talked about it."

"This is so dumb. There's nothing we can do about it now."

"Except talk about it," Hawk says so seriously that it almost chills Robby to the bone. "Why are you so scared?"

The tears have been free falling down Robbys face the whole time but he finally breaks and cries. "I don't wanna fuck this up. I mean- I mean, what if I can't do this? What if I'm just like my dad?"

Hawk doesn't say anything and just brings Robby into his arms. He holds him while he cries for a few minutes, rubbing his back but not sure of what to say. The words also have to sink in and Hawk is reminded of how hard Robby had it for so long, and it's why he does the nonprofit work with troubled kids because he was once one of them. Hawk knows that this is hard on anyone but a new baby is especially hard on people who had it rough.

"You're not your dad, Robby," he finally says. His voice is low and soft, only loud enough for Robby to hear over his muffled cries. "You're not even half as stupid as your dad."

Robby let's out a choked out laugh. He looks up at Hawk and his tears sparkle in his eyes. "Shut up. I'm serious," he says, but he's smiling through it.

Hawk shakes his head. "So am I. Your dad fucked up over and over... and over again, but you're too smart to let that happen."

"Yeah, but how do you know I'm not gonna fuck it up?"

Hawk pulls away and holds Robby by his face, making him look up and see him. He looks him in the eyes as he tells him, "Because I see the way you work with the kids at the youth center and how hard you try to get everything done for them, get then everything they need. You're already so great with those kids, so why not our kid?"

Robby doesn't know what to say. His throat is tight and hurts like he's going to start crying again. And he does, shrugging at the question because he truly doesn't know what the difference is. He just feels it and it scares him. Hawk kisses his tears away.

That's when Reader comes in and she's so confused. She looks so cute, a little lost, unaware of what's going on. It's a type of cluelessness and innocence Robby would like to keep intact because he doesn't want to bother her with his emotions and fears. He wants her to remain happy. But he can't look at her and her soft body the same now because he knows in a few months her pudgy tummy is going to round out into a prominent baby belly. And she's going to look even hotter, which he didn't think was possible because she's already so gorgeous.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" she asks.

Robby shakes his head and smiles. And it's a true smile despite his fear. "I'm just really happy... but also scared out of my mind."

There no use in hiding his fears anymore. He knows Hawk won't hide these big feelings from her, so he tells her himself. And she pouts and comes over to him, hugging him and Hawk joins it too.

"Aww, honey, we're all a little scared," she says.

He looks at her. "But you're ready for this and I'm... I don't know if I am."

"Well, just because I said I was ready doesn't mean we're truly ready," she tells him, giggling. "It's so much to do and get ready and prepare for. You have time to get ready."

He nods gently, understanding what she's trying to say: us anyone ever really ready? He doesn't know. Maybe extremely prepared people, like Miguel and Sam, who were so elated when they found out they were having a bay that they just fell right into the prepping and planning process like pros. But they're still young, young and successful and supported by so many, they were likely only half ready.

Reader kisses Robby's cheek and smiles against his skin. "It's okay to not be ready, Robby. So long as you love us and we love you, were gonna be just fine."

He nods, unable to speak because he's scared if he does, he'll start crying again for a third time. He just basks in the hug from his partners, recharging off their energy. That's all he needs is them. And their excitement rubs off on him, making him smile when he thinks about the baby, his fears slowly fading.

And when he goes with Hawk and Reader jer first scan, they're all so excited. Though he nearly faints when he learns that they're not having just one baby, but two!

But it's okay, Hawk catches him. And he knows they're ready for this.

#poly hawk and robby #poly robby and hawk #hawk x reader x robby #robby x reader x hawk #robby keene x reader #robby keene x chubby reader #robby keene headcanons #robby keene #hawk moskowitz x chubby reader #hawk moskowitz x reader #eli hawk moskowitz #eli moskowitz x reader #eli moskowitz x chubby reader #eli moskowitz #hawk moskowitz headcanons #hawk moskowitz #cobra kai #cobra kai headcanons #cobra kai x reader #cobra kai x chubby reader #cobra kai x plus size reader #chubby reader #plus size reader #gemini sensei

[latin-dr-robotnik]

Given what we’ve seen of Frontiers, maybe the relationship between Sonic and Amy is going to be challenged?

I'm... unsure about what they'll do with their relationship in the game.

Realistically speaking, I'm expecting more teasing than in previous mainline games (current expectations: Unleashed-levels of teasing), but there's also something awfully angsty about recent stuff they've shown. That CGI trailer scene, I'm Here's video highlighting "In my hands I hold the ones I love" and "new horizons" with blue and pink specifically. I have absolutely ZERO arguments for Vandalize being a "SonAmy song" (though I love the fact the fandom accepted it as such and created legendary pieces of art like this one), but I can't stop thinking about how it would fit after a dramatic ending. It'd be highly unusual for a modern mainline game to end on a note different from "well, we beat the baddies and everything's back to normal, onward to the next adventure!", but I swear I have no idea what to expect out of this game, and I have this lingering feeling it might not be your usual happy ending. The reason? They chose to use Vandalize as the ENDING THEME. Something's up here, Vandalize ain't a happy song, and it wasn't picked just to fit a collab slot, it has the Starfall Islands' motif, for fuck's sake. That fucking song is important, and it's making me LOSE MY HEAD OVER IT.

Anyway, yes, SonAmy Frontiers. I have no idea how much of this is going to be SonAmy-exclusive, since at the very least there's still Tails and Knuckles (and probably Eggy too?) to rescue and they'll be just as relevant to the story, but there's something rotten in here, and I'm starting to question if it's gonna be all sunshine and rainbows for them.

So, maybe Sonic and Amy's relationship will be challenged, because maybe things won't end in a very triumphant way this time. So far Sonic doesn't seem to be very bothered by anything, maybe he'll fuck up big time, maybe that'll cost him his friends. Maybe that'll set up a sequel or a series that already mentioned a "journey of self-discovery and redemption".

#ask latin dr robotnik #sonic the hedgehog #sonic frontiers #sonamy #sonamy frontiers #look i have a VERY BAD FEELING about this game's plot #i can't shake the feeling something bad will happen #that fucking corrupted arm. the accidental synopsis leak sega asked to take down. #music motifs. vandalize's lyrics. cyberspace. sage. ancient tech. losing control. #'in my hands i hold the ones i love' vs 'said you'd keep me safe now you're tearing me down' #this shit sounds like it's not going to be pretty in the end #technically sonic can't lose right? but what if his story arc isn't over in frontiers? #technically sonic wouldn't lose if they leave us with a cliffhanger and wrap his frontiers arc by the second or third game #idk i'm rambling and i'm tired and i'm so fucking scared for this game #i'm scared because i can't exactly tell what the fuck is going on #nothing we've seen so far is giving me the usual 'superpower of teamwork' vibes

[thebleedingeffect]

.

#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere #one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions #so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so #despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself #and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral #it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me #not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared #and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her #I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else #but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult #and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side #to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side #she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences #and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control #religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk #having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe #she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough #I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike #and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends #because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting #now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side #it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks. #ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[mrsmarlasinger]

Hmmmmmmmm quick question! What do you do when your executive dysfunction has reached such a critical state that you:

are actively ignoring things you desperately need to do

are ghosting your employers (even though you can make it all go away by doing the one thing you most need to do: send an email and QUIT)

have almost three dozen notifications that you can't even bring yourself to look at

completely unironically have done nothing but sleep and flip between two apps for days

are fucking up your professional/financial future even though you need to move out in a matter of months

✨and✨

are paralyzed by anxiety that keeps mounting to increasingly unsustainable heights

YET

you GENUINELY CANNOT figure out how to PHYSICALLY FORCE YOUR BODY to do the (extremely short, extremely important) list of things you keep telling yourself you're going to do

because at this point you can't even shower or change the clothes you've been wearing for days on end?

Asking for a friend. I'm the friend.

#i'm actually really really scared at this point #i don't know what to do i can't get unstuck i feel like i'm being fucking possessed by a demon of sloth or something (idk i'm not catholic) #the last time this happened THIS badly was a year ago in my last semester of college #i literally was not going to graduate bc I couldn't finish my online course and i was every day paralyzed with fear but i COULDN'T #eventually i sat down once for 8 hrs straight and once for 27 hrs straight and knocked it out in two sittings. how did i do that #i feel like i have no control over myself. all i am all the time is tired and miserable and scared and i can't stop sleeping i just can't #i sleep through every single day and i can't stop it. i can't even stop myself from eating chips and candy and fucking bullshit like that #i'm literally just in what feels like a crisis but it's the most static passive crisis on earth and looks from the outside like NOTHING #like you talk to me and think i'm fine and just being really lazy but inside i am panicking and i hate myself but i'm STUCK #idk what to do like i honestly wish i had meth or coke at this point lol. anything to force my brain out of this fucking static haze #i think i'll pound some kratom. red to gloss over the anxiety‚ white for energy. just parachute a couple grams and cure it. i hope. #god you have no idea what i'd do just to get off tumblr and reddit for ten minutes #personal #executive dysfunction #adhd #depression #actually adhd #actually depressed #untreated adhd #vent #vent tw #vent cw #tw vent #cw vent #mental illness #mental illness tw

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

Fuck it I'm in a bad mood here's some of the things I didn't tell my psychiatrist bc every time I started to she looked really freaked out and concerned

#rant #I'm not only what you can see #there's so much more to myself than what i look like physically #i just sometimes feel like im not the person you think i am but one of the others #it sounds so fucked up but that's what i feel sometimes #sometimes I'm me but a little bit to the left #or a fish eye view of me from slightly above #sometimes people speak to my body while I'm watching from a little bit farther away #ik that that's most likely from disassociation #but yeah #i don't recognize my face in the mirror most of the times #ik that the person looking back is me bc ik what color and length my hair is and how my eyes look #but sometimes it looks so warped i get scared bc i can't understand why i look so different than before #I'm scared that someday i might hurt someone #that i won't be able to control my thoughts #when i took 3x times my medication i felt like an invisible human form was moving my body while i watched from a few feet back #i felt nothing #i wasn't concerned bc i didn't feel like my body was mine so i let it happen bc i wanted to see what was going to happen #i have nearly 2 years of my life that i almost completely don't remember #i managed to make friends and idk how bc i just can't remember #apparently i used to be really mean and bitchy #i believe in ghosts and nothing people say will make me change my mind #i know that the “paranormal experiences '' i had as a kid were just hallucinations but i can't help myself #i know that the voices were hallucinations and what i saw wes also a visual glitch #i can't stop the magical thinking #i tryed #but my life makes so much sense with it #when i sed that during a psychotic episode a thing was wearing my mother's face and skin was following me around and wanted to kill me #i think i made the part were i was holding a knife up so i can feel better about myself #i sometimes pretend that i feel sorry for my actions bc my psychiatrist looks worried if i don't and ahe continues with the convo until i

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

#unsafe vent #I really wish I was dead #my dad is putting so much stress onto me to 'make up' with my sister #which means I gotta apologize to her because SHE read MY personal PRIVATE journal #my family doesn't want me to kill myself and I don't know why #if I was dead no one would be around to make all of you upset #God I'm losing people left and right all I wanna do is go to sleep and never wake up #my dad said such nasty things that night when I needed him #what is the point of therapy if he's just gonna shit on it any chance he gets #I love my family but I wish that they would understand #I told my dad that I was so upset that I wanted to bang my head into the ground #and he said 'you gotta control that.' #what a fucking smart cunty bitch you are!!!!!!! yes I do!!! if only I had someone I could trust to help me!!!!!!! #if I wasn't so scared of Hell I would've been dead by now #I can't even cut cus my stupid razor sucks ass #I get why people do hard drugs now lmao #I would never but the urge to snort and swallow random shit to feel something is rising #I would drink but it gets me so sick it's not worth it #I'm in such a bad mental health spot all I can think about is how easy it would be for someone to take advantage #I dunno how to describe it but it's very dark :( #the only way I can make this all go away is if once again I take the blame #I wish I was more confident I was going yo heaven so I could just end it

[guidingsbolt]

motw game of all TIME!!!!!!!!

#i could make like six little tag essays from this session alone it had EVERYTHING #i don't even know what to START with #god. i am so glad riley survived. i'm SO glad. #will would've gotten so much worse if they had died.... #i said this in my little grouped chat but riley is will if she didn't have yaz #they were turned right around the same age as will on a silly little trip with their friends just like will and it was so soon after #will left the pack headinhands #i'm SO glad i rolled well on hunches i'm SO they lived because otherwise riley would just be a reminder of what could've happened to will #riley is my new best friend in the whole world will is gonna develop SUCH a complex about them.... #and we're coming up on the full moon griamce emoji #will's gonna have to be the one who is calm and in control because we can't have TWO #and i'm SO glad the fight went as bad as it did and beowulf didn't let will get the last word in i love mean hannah #we won but BOY did we earn it #all of will's fears about the pack are TRUE they are way too fucking strong to really take on they do want her dead in the ground #they're running around making new werewolves grimace emoji #man. will is pissed off #she's always hated beowulf but she was too scared and too guilty and trying so hard to repress any strong emotion that she didn't really #feel it i think #but YAZ almost DIED beowulf came into HER backyard and was trying to kill just a KID like her and he gets away with whatever he wants #if riley had died in the middle of that fight she might have tried to kill beowulf then and there grimace emoji #which. beyond the obvious problems with that would've caused a HUGE issue with PARCH #will doesn't care what parch says she knows beowulf and she knows what happened to her and she wants him dead and she'll do it herself #because she's angry! she's allowed to be angry! the angriest she's ever been about anything #and sure telling beowulf to fuck off had consequences but man it felt good #man. i'm delighted pleading emoji #ch: will #g: motw

[vitiateoriginator]

I'm losing my medical insurance at the end of the month :)

#for real this time #because I “make too much” #but by their own calculations I make about $850 after taxes monthly #that's only around 10k a year. which is below the poverty line which is 13k. how tf am I making too much??? #I called my insurer and they said I can enroll separately from my fam but when I went to do so #the site didn't give me the option #idk what to do #if I lose this insurance I lose my therapist. I'll also lose my obgyn which means no more birth control #and I lose my new doctor and my ability to get new glasses this year #if I need to go to the hospital I will have nothing. I will go into debt #I just had a medical scare too. or smth happens now I'll be ruined #idk wtf to do Im so scared I hope I can get this fixed #I could get insurance thru work but I don't plan to stay where Im at much longer #Im legit so upset rn #but the biggest thing is the therapy. I really can't lose that rn Im in such a bad place mentally #I NEED to be in therapy. if I lose this again I'm going to be so fucked #sam's rants about life

[karmaphone]

nearly sobbing at 5:30 in the morning because the goddamn toilet paper roll perfectly encapsulates every fucking problem I have in this house :')

#like. they keep claiming they have no preference for how it is placed on the holder. I am allegedly the only one with a preference #(tail end on top) #and yet. despite the fact that they allegedly have no preference. every single goddamn time. it is set upside down #it takes no effort to adjust to one basic household preference. simply remember that someone actually cares. but since it's my thing no one #ever fucking bothers :) #and yes :) this extends to :) everything :) #big and small preferences :) no matter what it is :) #oh you want your house at a livable temperature instead of 50 fucking degrees because you have REYNAUDS??? too much no no no #you want your kitchen organized and things to go back in the same places? absolutely not! #you want your DRAWERS AND CABINETS CLOSED? FUCK YOU!!! #you want organized times on the bathroom because it would help you with work prep? go fuck yourself!!! #you want to eat food? oh you left it in a cabinet too long and the middle aged woman who lives with you decided it's fair game #you want to spray for roaches and do laundry? sorry baby I'm too scared to ask my mom for five fucking dollars #even after giving her thousands on top of a years worth of wages :) #I'm just. I'm fucking sick of every little preference of mine being dismissed and disrespected #I can't even control my own diet anymore. it's just things that my mil Might Not Steal (and still sometimes does) #I'm. fucking losing it dude. it was supposed to change when we moved. it was supposed to change

[buckyalpine]

40s Sergeant Barnes with a nurse and a Sergeant kink (and breeding and house wife kink, virginity loss). This was supposed to be a pure smutty drabble but then I got in my feelings and added some fluff and angst but I promise Bucky is still a dirty, nasty little fuck in this. Just with a sweeter ending. The one he deserves.

Listen just imagine what a cute, sexy menace Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes would be just waking up from an injury when his eyes flutter open to the pretty nurse he’s been eyeing from the day he started. You’re not a shy, dainty little thing, nope. Not at all.

You bark out orders like a drill Sergeant and one glare from you is all it takes to get everyone in line and on task without a second thought. Even his superiors are scared of you, biting their tongue when you stitch them up and send them on their way before running off to your next patient.

Bucky was in love.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes” he rasps, throwing you a charming smirk while you roll your eyes in response, shaking your head. "How'd I get so lucky, got a my little angel tendin' to me"

“I see your injury hasn’t stopped hurt that mouth of yours Sergeant" You quirk an eyebrow while he playfully huffs as you change the dressing covering a gash on his abdomen. You swab the area clean and he doesn't flinch even though you know it must burn like hell, his muscles tensed while he continues to watch you with heart eyes. "Now you know I'm not your little angel, I got 20 other men to fix up, you better be out of this bed as soon as you're all healed up"

“C’mon sugar, you're breakin' my heart" Bucky gives you a little pout with those perfect lips and you catch the twinkle in his eye as he looks over your form with complete admiration. He loved your sassy, take no shit attitude and it's taking everything in him to calm himself down so he doesn't get a hard on right there in front of you.

"You'd tell that to a cat with three legs if it was in a nurses outfit" You try your best to not give into his flirty comments and puppy eyes, knowing damn well he's a heart breaker but he makes it so difficult when he continues to woo you with his boyish charm.

He can't help but chase after you; catching the way your eyes always dart around with anxiety when his group returns from an operation, relief flooding them when you finally spot him. He loves your indifferent attitude, patting him down to make sure he's uninjured but your furrowed brows and the tiny pout on your lips give away that you're worried.

How can he just let you go. Every time you check over him, he needs you closer.

So much closer.

-

"Ms. y/l/n, Sergeant Barnes is requesting you in his tent, he says it's urgent"

You shake your head looking over at the time, quietly making your way over to the tent he's stationed at, thankful that a number of troops were sleeping so you wouldn't be seen as you quickly slip inside.

“And what hurts now” you sass with your hands on your hips seeing the soldier in perfect health, doing your best to assess him without letting him know.

"Always checkin' over me" Bucky chuckles, seeing what you're doing; his words making your cheeks heat up, "Knew you cared about me sugar"

"Well what am I doin' here" You give him an unconvincing huff, struggling to keep your voice steady, refusing to meet his eyes, keeping your gaze on his silver dog tags instead. It doesn't help that he's handsome as hell with a light dusting of scruff covering his cheeks. Bucky's never seen you flustered before and it evokes something in him, all the blood in his body rushing south seeing your fingers twitch.

All he wanted to do was kiss you but now-

“Help your Sergeant out doll” He whispers, taking another step forward till his chest brushes against yours, his hand coming to tilt your chin up, "Will you?"

You gasp feeling his hardness press against your thigh, your heart fluttering wildly as his thumb traces your lips, any semblance of control you had slipping away feeling the warmth of his skin.

“Y-yes Sergeant Barnes”

His lips press against yours, soft and sweet, a stark contrast to the way his body was screaming for him to pick you up and toss you onto his cot.

"Sweet like sugar" He lets his hands fall to your waist, pulling you flush against his body while your arms drape on top of his shoulders. You stand on your toes chasing more of his lips and he chuckles at the needy whine you let out when he pulls away for air.

Now let's say your first night together was actually quite tame. He kisses you again and you swoon when he repeatedly checks in with you before going any further. His hand slips under your skirt, letting his fingers toy with places no on else has touched. With each night, he needs you more and more until he can't hold off any longer and neither can you.

-

You sneak into his tent and this time he doesn't hesitate to undress you completely, not when he needs you bare with nothing separating you both. You feel your heart race as he lies on top of you, draping a thin sheet over himself when you shiver at the chill night air. You feel his body heat instantly warm you up, his heavy cock resting between your soaked folds.

"Are you sure, sugar?" He asks, his hand cupping your cheek and stroking your skin.

"Please Sergeant" You whisper and the way you say his title makes his cock twitch. There's something so different about you when you're in his bed, a sweet little bunny giving herself to him completely. It drives him feral with a need to make you feel good, make you cry for his cock and his cock only, to keep you nice and full of him.

You don't look twice at anyone else and here you are completely naked in his tent with your tight little virgin cunt, your legs spread open so he can put his dick in you; there was no way he was ever going to let you go.

"You tell me if it's too much, alright?" His lips tickle your neck as kisses your skin while rubbing his heavy cock through your folds, coating it in your slick, "Breathe for me"

He slips his tags into your mouth as he starts to press in, the initial sting making you bite down hard onto the metal feeling a mix of pleasure and pain. You whine at the way he stretches you open, your thighs squeezing around his waist, nails digging into his shoulders.

"Shhh, that's it love, doin' so good for me so good for your Sergeant, look how you're takin' all of me baby" He looks down to where you're both connected as he continues to slowly push himself in till hes fully sheathed inside you. He gives you time to adjust, slipping his tags out of your lips and letting his tongue lace with yours instead, his balls already throbbing with how tightly you were squeezing his cock.

"Please-Sergeant" your heels press into his ass desperate for him to move, gasping when he starts to slowly roll his hips, barely pulling out.

"I got you love-don't worry" Bucky moves as slowly as he could not wanting to hurt you, taking just as much care of you as you had with him countless of times.

But he can only keep up at that pace for so long. Your muffled whines and moans don't help the way his mind is already spiraling. His pretty little nurse all spread out just for him, taking his raw, bare cock in her soaking pussy, squeezing him so tight, he was only a few strokes from cumming.

If it were up to him he would've proposed on the spot, thinking about making love to you on your wedding night, seeing you all shy and sweet wrapped up in soft white lace. If you were his wife, he'd take you apart every which way, not giving a fuck about traditions, taking you right on the dining room table.

You'd be the prettiest little thing for him to come home to, such a good wife all dirty just for her husband. Only he'd know the way your mouth would slobber all over his cock like your life depended on it. The way you'd moan at the taste of his cum. Bucky's eyes rolled back at the thought of you with nothing but some heels and a string of pearls he'd put around your neck while he stuffed you with cum and emptied his balls in you.

"S-Sergeant-I-oh god" You whimpered feeling his cock grow harder, your pussy pulling him right back in, feeling the coil low in your belly pull tighter and tighter as he hit that spot.

Meanwhile Bucky's jaw clenched as he felt his balls pull tight to his body, the tip leaking steadily in your pussy. His mind spiraled into places he didn't think would exist before he met you, rogue thoughts he only entertained when he had his dick in his hand. The harder he fucked you the more he thought about how gorgeous you'd look with a swollen belly.

Fuck, imagine if he got you pregnant right then and there. That nurses uniform would no longer fit you. Everyone would know he knocked you up, your perfectly round tummy carrying Sergeant James Barnes' baby, breasts heavy with milk, God, he wasn't going to last-

“Gonna let your Sergeant pump you full of cum?” He pants, letting his hands grip onto your hips like his life depends on it, the wiry hair at the base of his cock rubbing against your clit.

“Yes!!” You sob, biting down onto his shoulder to keep your cries down while he continues to fuck you into oblivion. You don't understand how such filth can spew from that pink, pouty little mouth of his. "Please-please-need-youI-I'm gonna-"

"M'yours sweet girl, m'all yours, go on, cum for me love, cum on my cock, it's all yours" He gazed into your eyes, cooing at your parted lips and sweat slicked skin. It didn't take long for you to shatter around him his lips smashing against yours to swallow your moans.

"Want your cum Sergeant" You beg , desperate to have him claim you from the inside.

"Oh fuck baby, y-you can't say that, m-gonna, oh fuckkk" Your words throw Bucky right off the edge as he lets out a deep groan stilling his hips and shooting endless ropes of his spend into you. You both lay in comfortable silence, your fingers playing with his hair; his usual kempt brown locks now disheveled .

“Y’know m’gonna marry you” his scruffy cheek nuzzles into your neck as he continues to stay deep inside you as his cock softens, “after all this is over. Gonna put a ring on that finger”

His words send a different wave of emotions over you, feeling more safe than ever, clinging onto him as tightly as possible. You let a whimper slip out and he pulls away from your neck with an expression of concern.

“What is it love” Bucky coos, wiping away the tears that slip you, stroking your cheek while you bite back a sniffle.

“Do you mean it? After this is all over?” You weren't sure what Bucky would want-there was still a war going on. Anything could happen. Perhaps this was just to keep his bed warm. Something to keep him calm, you were just someone to-

"Of course sugar" Bucky presses a firm kiss to your forehead, silencing the thoughts that tried to run wild. "You're mine"

-

And of course he gets his happy ending. Because when it's all over, he gets the ring for the girl he loves. He's on one knee, proposing to you with the sweetest words. He treats you like a princess on your wedding night, making love all night long until the sun is up.

There isn't a surface in the house he's left untouched. Nothing makes him more feral than moaning for his pretty wife, constantly taking her hand and wrapping it around his cock, watching that diamond glint with each stroke.

It doesn't take long for you to feel a little squeamish, knowing all the tell tale signs.

The day you tell him he's going to be a dad is one of the happiest days of his life. There isn't a single night that goes by where he isn't nuzzling his face into your tummy, talking to your little one.

Everything was perfecttt.

#40s bucky barnes #40s bucky #40's bucky #40s bucky barnes x reader #bucky banes fluff #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x nurse reader #bucky barnes #james bucky buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x reader smut #bucky barnes x reader fluff #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fan fiction #bucky barnes fan fic #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky fan fic #bucky fan fiction #bucky fanart #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky x smut

[ha--eul]

.

#God I thought the whole confessing your love by accident thing was such a cliche and like irl people have more control over what comes out #like yeah I get that if you love someone maybe you get to that point where you say it for the first time and it can be very meaningful #But it's like a conscious thing #But Jesus Christ I've been having to hold myself back so many times from just dropping that big l word and mostly for his sake #I mean I don't really care I'm happy just to say it whenever but I don't want to scare him so I'm having to stop myself #what a fucking joke I can't believe I'm actually like this #also I'm pretty sick and I feel like shit and I don't know what I'm talking about and anyone who knows me you forgot how to read

[wineonmytshirt]

***If you are triggered by any mentions of self harm and/or mental health problems PLEASE KEEP SCROLLING & DO NOT READ my tags on this post.****

i just need to vent so badly and this is my safe space i don't know where else to put this 😰😰

#changing psych medications is the worst fucking thing because you literally have no idea how it's going to affect you #and i've had some really bad experiences so i'm so scared about starting this new med #my new anxiety med didn't seem to be tremendously helpful which fucking sucks #but i've been having almost nonstop panic attacks for days now so maybe my body is just fighting it at this point #i'm still not adjusted to my birth control which is supposed to stop my period entirely and i've had pms symptoms for weeks #which like the entire point of this birth control is to not have this problem because i have PMDD #which is basically pms on fucking steroids i can't even describe to you how horrible it is #and i fucking relapsed with self harm tonight i'm so upset #i just have no idea what to do anymore i am so exhausted and i'm trying so hard to help myself #and i feel like all that happens is that i go backward #all of my chronic pain is horrific too which just makes everything a million times worse #i just don't know what to do i don't know what the fuck to do. #tw self harm #tw mental illness #i've been on so so so many different psych meds since i was a teenager and i still have not found what will help properly #tw medication