#I feel like I wrote this to everyone I kno lol

[angel-gone-south]

Stan Marsh/Feminine!GN!Reader:

Shitfuck Downtown

ok. so i have no idea why the title is that. It was like 2? am when i wrote that plan list i think. this is so silly

cw: vomit, feminine reader (pronouns still ‘you’ or ‘they’)

【☆】★【☆】

You huffed. This was bullshit. Your mom had sent you to live with your cousin, Rebecca, in South Park. The state of Colorado put a sour taste in your mouth.

But here you were, stuck shopping with your cousin and her stupid airheaded friend, Bebe. (You promised you meant that in the best way possible. Mostly.) You felt a little guilty at the jealousy that brewed a little, but held both feelings down with an iron fist. You were not ruining your cousin’s chances: you saw how she looked at that girl.

So, you were a third wheel sometimes. But when you weren't, Bebe was really sweet, and helped you pick out some new clothes for when school starts the next week. They were cute! Some skirts with some leggings for underneath and cute graphic tees and some long sleeves that complimented your complexion. No wonder Red liked this girl so much, she was fashion-forward, people-smart, and gorgeous.

They went into the in-mall Red Robin, and you ditched so they could have a cute date. After putting your shit in Red's car, you puttered around the mall more.

【☆】★【☆】

Eventually you found a nice place and sat, wallet under your thigh as you sipped at a milkshake you'd gotten. You were perched gracefully, one thigh slung over the other, skirt flowing just over your knees.

Not so graceful, however, was the group of boys who walked up beside you. One wolf whistled, clapping another on the back.

"Maybe they can help you get over your elementary school girl, Stanley." His toothy smile earned him a glare from the boy he'd knocked to his knees in front of you with a hit.

"Shut up Kenny!" He clapped a large hand over his mouth, scrambling to stand and dashing towards the nearest bathroom. The whistler smirked at his fleeting form, turning towards you.

"Don't worry, sweets, that means he likes you."

【☆】★【☆】

You went home with Red soon after that, absolutely rocked by that encounter. Her response to you was only laughter when you'd told her, so you huffed and laid on your bed.

Your phone pinged, and you rolled on to your stomach with your feet pointed in the air, stockings still on but skirt exchanged in favor of short shorts. It was the group text your cousin had made with you and her girlfriends.

redpunk: im so srs rn guys (nickname) saw stan at the mall 2day. redpunk: he puked LOOOOL babe-ayy: wht?!?! srs?!? dam wendy hes finally off yr hype train!! wends: Thank goodness lol nickiboardgamez: kenny told clyde and clyde is telling, like EVERYONE that stan has a crush on the new kid heidihippie: woooow real romantic redpunk: its fkn grody!! STANLEY MARSH w my cousin?? unthinkable. he does not even meet the bar for good enough sanriomarj!!: aw shucks, it's kinda cute! what do you think, (name)? (username): uhhh idek who tf he is lol? all ik is he dated wendy off n on since elem. babe-ayy: so real. is he like, cute tho? wends: Lighten up Bebe! They don't have to say (username): no shez good. idk? i mean yeah hes cute but what if he was just sick? we dont even kno if hes ACTUALLY into me lolol babe-ayy: 🙄🙄🙄 ik ur new here but babe-ayy: he only pukes when he sees someone he likes (username): first time 4 everythin? redpunk: 🙄🙄🙄

You hummed. We would just have to see on Monday, wouldn't we?

【☆】★【☆】

#south park x y/n #south park #south park fanfiction #south park gay #south park x reader #south park x you #emeto #stan marsh #stan marsh x reader #stan marsh x you #stan marsh x y/n #stan x reader #south park stan #sp stan marsh #sp stan #➳ Mail’s In!♡

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey, I really like your blog, thank you so much for your hard work!! I need help with my type, I want your opinion. I want to know my type so I can learn more about myself and really understand me in a deeper way. I suspect I’m ENFJ or INFJ or ENFP or INTJ. I know for sure I’m N.

I apologize in advance for the length of this message. I hope you don’t repeat yourself in your responses. I tried to search for this in your blog but I never really understood the functions very well, I guess it’s my fault because all of this is hard sometimes, trying to type myself I mean.

Important data: I suffered from depression and severe verbal bullying for years, and consequential self-loathing, I had therapy and still have but I’m way better now. I can say I’m healed so my functions developed in some way or another and this might be a clue to finding them in specific. My parents are very Se-Ti (I think, I’m 97% sure of it) and I’m an only child who was very influenced by them in the past.

I will explore each function below.

ENFP:

Ne – I constantly make up stories inside my head, I like writing novels (although I don’t write as much as I imagine it), I like learning new subjects that are outside of my reality, example: history, psychology, philosophy, learning Chinese language and Chinese history when I’m European, I also explore world religions even if I don’t adhere to it, I like learning just for the sake of learning. I want to explore the world, going everywhere and I am curious about how to change the world for the better, I prefer thinking about world-size issues like politics than every-day struggles like taxes. – this is constantly throughout my whole life.

Fi – I presume this function is about honoring our emotions and feelings. I am much better now that I learned that I need to put myself first before everyone else so I can really help them and also to make sure they don’t abuse my generosity. – I learned this lesson after a very bad experience (a year ago) when people disrespected me because I also didn’t respect myself because of bullying but I finally learned that I need to do want I like beforehand.

Te – I want authority to like me and to realize I’m special, that I’m responsible and that I follow the rules (even though I don't always like rule), basically I want to be the good student. At school I wanted the teacher to like me and to say I was his/her better student even thought I wasn’t A+ but B- but this only happened at the teacher no one liked (if they were good teachers).

I also like when older people give me reason, example my parents, teachers, boss, older people in general – I want to be seen as organized and polished and responsible. I also like to make my opinions after gathering data because I want arguments to back-up my argument, I don’t feel comfortable just having an opinion or a decision without someone giving me reason. I want to be a leader (even though the consequences of it can scare me), I do want to me remembered forever for doing something no one else has done for the benefit of humanity.

I also get very angry when I give my friend the solution to her problem and she still keeps talking about it when I already gave her my advice, it’s very annoying, it's like these people prefer just having problems and complain rather than solve it as much as you can and move on. But this is just with some friends. I also have another friend which annoys me a lot because she doesn’t obey me (my advices for her own good) – it can also make me feel as if my opinion is irrelevant but this is way less common nowadays (because I don’t speak to her everyday), she’s very stubborn and that annoys me so much.

I hate when people tell me what to do but I love telling people want to do lol. – this is constantly throughout my whole life. HOWEVER wanting to me tuff all the time is tiring, I used to not want to cry and to feel things (society told me I should always "suck it up" and not feeling anything sad and we all know that's not healthy). I know now I need to cry if the body wants it, if I feel sad but I always cry in private. I try to never put myself in public vulnerable positions.

Si – this is not inf in my opinion because I am responsible, I take valuable lessons from my past and I don’t like taking as much risks as Ne-doms use to (this is constantly throughout my whole life). I do like doing new things, I have that hunger more now that I’m more independent now (I have a job and a car) so I can go anywhere I do the things I want to do but I don’t think everything that has over years of experience should be put to death. I do like some old approaches once in a while and I do value security. // however, when I was in depression I just got scared about the world and the people around me, I didn’t leave my house and I thought that no matter what happened I never had hope for getting something good out of anything. I was very victim-mentality at the time even though I wasn’t complaining out loud, it was more from me to me.

INFJ:

Ni – same as Ne – I like planning (sometimes), I want to do something with my life that people will remember me decades after I’m gone and I do want to make the world a better place.

Fe – I tend to put people above me (but not always). When they talk about something that I don’t find amusing, I don’t tell them in their face, I keep smiling because I hate conflict and criticizing someone’s tastes is not correct. I just criticize when they do something wrong (Te/Ti) but because I want to help them, but I only get verbally angry with close people. With people I don’t know very well, I tend to smile and agreeing because I prefer this way. Many things in my life is made for the benefit of others I guess: I want to be seen as pretty, competent, intelligent, skinny, sexy.

I do love making friends and having a good time, just telling whatever comes to my mind when I’m in the flow of fun in a great conversation rather than thinking how saying X or Y will make them betray me. I just like having friends and talking about everything I like with them. My friends have different tastes of mine, I say I don’t like because of X but I’m not sincere, if I was I would say “why do you like that? Why do think like that? That’s dumb!” I don’t do that because it’s not okay.

I also don’t wanna be special (unless I’m better than everyone else) but stuff like “I suffered bullying so I’m more important than you” is never my thing, I just want to be like everyone else in that regard but I do like being better than others, more extroverted, more intelligent, more pretty – it doesn’t always happen but I’m describing my thought pattern. I also know it’s not fair to think like this but I don’t take advantage of it.

Ti – same argument as Te. + I have become more independent lately and I want that. I hate being contrived by anything (telling my parents where I’m going when I’m going out, submitting myself to do things I don’t want to because of society’s pressure’s - example “you have to get married and have kids everyone else is doing” I hate it, the “everyone else is doing so you must too” I hate so much and it’s stupid because I’m not everyone else, I’m a person. I prefer when people follow me and not the other way around, not that I’ve influenced people, I wish I could, I wish I could also manipulate them so they can follow my advice for their own sake for once. (I do know that being manipulative is not a good thing to do).

Se – when I’m bored and nothing much is happening that is new, I tend to “extrapolate” and “do something crazy” which involves buying books or clothes or going to the mall and drink some coffee. I also eat candy a lot more lately because it’s so delicious and I got a severe healthy diet for a year and after Christmas I just got into candy a lot. I guess it’s the most rebel thing I do, lol.

ENFJ:

Fe – same argument as Fe in INFJ

Ni – same argument as Ni in INFJ

Se – same argument as Se in INFJ

Ti – I used to really put myself down to other people. The worst experience I had in my life as when everyone were putting me down, making me feel like shit because of mistakes I’ve made, calling me arrogant and selfish, I got so hurt because I really hate disappointing people and after bullying I still have that scar a little bit, every time I did something and I couldn’t help someone, I was afraid I was hurting the person or disappointing them. // I also thought for years I didn’t reserve to be loved because “everyone hated me at school, so they must be right because they all agree with each other” I thought. I know now that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I deserve to be loved for who I am.

INTJ

Ni – same argument as Ni in INFJ

Te – same argument as Te in INFP

Fi - same argument as Fi in INFP

Se – same argument as Se in INFJ

Function stack information:

I do get loop sometimes, I suspect the 3rd is a T function because I valued competence instead of my desires and it gave me a fake optimism/defense mechanism about myself. I did got so much better after honoring what I want. So I suspect the F is 2nd because the 1st must be N. the order would be N F T S which leaves ENFP and INFJ. What do you think? Did any of this made sense to you?

Also important:

1) I imagine I have a boyfriend for years now but in the past I always thought that it was never going to become reality because I hated myself cuz of bullying (I thought I was stupid and ugly) but now my imaginary boyfriend comforts me when I feel sad and I know he's going to come to me and I know I deserve to be loved by him and that he loves me unconditionally for who I am.

My boyfriend is very sweet and kind to me because of the result that I didn't feel enough love in my childhood - my parents are very action oriented which is fine but I need those words of affirmation and physical touch literally like a baby, I feel so safe in his arms like I am his baby and he pampers me and takes care of me and always says sweet things example "I love you so much my love I'm so proud of you, you are my baby sweet love and I love you so much."

I presume this is Ne or just a defense mechanism because I want a boyfriend now but I don't have it (for now). I do feel an urge to be intimate with him because I feel like life without love is boring, I think a lot about love and how love makes me feel loved and safe.

I avoid watching sensitive scenes in movies like violence and hate because I tend to think about it, I absorb it and I know that's not gonna be good for me, because I get pessimistic and afraid that's going to happen in the future so I'm just going to try to be positive and thinking (or convincing me) that I'm safe by God and everything will be good and happy in my life.

I want my boyfriend to be a specific way (ethnicity) and have a specific personality (affectionate, kind, supportive) because I have my type, everyone has a type - maybe this is Ni?

I used to be obsessed with being in a relationship (even though I still never had one) and I used to had shame for being single since birth but after putting myself first and honoring my beliefs and who I am (and also knowing that it’s just life’s circumstances) I do not care anymore honestly. I also only go to this imaginary boyfriend when I’m sad and I need emotional comfort or when I miss thinking about him because he's such a breath of fresh air to me, no show me results, no suck it up, just a healthy comfort zone where I can be a little baby (not literally) and be loved by him.

2) I do get afraid about death, i think about that a lot, what if there's nothing after death? What if there's no heaven? I tried Buddhism for a year because I wanted to feel part of something bigger than myself and Buddhism really did help me a lot, meditation and mindfulness made me stop thinking about the ruminating thought and made me relax and enjoy the present moment. However Buddhism is very identity-erasure to me (the part of the Non-Self) and doesn't believe in a creator God, which I deeply do inside of my heart. I do understand we can't put our identity in our beauty or money or body because that's not permanent forever but I don't see a problem in loving our personality and body and being proud of becoming who we want to be - high Fi?

3) For the function stack, I do understand if I'm ENFP except I think I'm too risk-averse for being inf Si. I do get the hunger for new things, doing new things and meeting new people, but I also like to recover in private and I do identify more with the introvert descriptions than the extrovert ones but this can be misleading because of my past bullying. I have been a lot better in the past months and I do prefer to recover in private although I am very curious about going out with friends but it's not a big hunger. I have a bigger hunger for buying things I like. Introvert means INFJ or INFP and I think I'm none because

1) inf Se is strange (I do get the urge to do something new when I'm bored usually is eating too much candy or buying books but the whole Beth Harmon-let's-get-crazy never happened to me, never got drunk or lost my responsibilities. The craziest thing I've done was going to bed at 4am after planning novels inside my head and listening to music lol)

2) Inf Te is probably not it because I never put myself above anyone else in a unhealthy way (like unhealthy Fi would), and after my point in Te in ENFP I do think I'm not inf Te because I do value how I'm praised by others in terms of competence).

As you can see I'm very confused. I apologize again the length of this. Thank you so much for your time. Keep up the good work.

I wanted to say something more that I forgot. I'm 25. My parents are pretty sure Te and Si doms (I put it the other way around, my mistake sorry) and they were unhealthy types at the time of my upbringing I'm sure of it: very easily angry and not toughy-feely, they were when I was a baby I presume but after that it was gone. I felt a huge necessity for expressing love in this manner, hence the whole imaginary sweet boyfriend thing I guess.

I hope it's okay to send a 2nd message, I apologize for the inconvenience. There's more text mistakes but I presume it's understandable my point of view. Also I'm not a native-english speaker, so I apologize any English problem. Thank you so much, have a nice day.

-----------------------

For INTJ, you said "the same as INFP" but that was not one of the types you were comparing, so I'm forced to assume you meant ENFP. Your analysis of ENFJ and INTJ functions shouldn't be the same as the other types. Functions operate very differently in different positions of the stack, therefore, e.g., auxiliary Fe cannot stand in for dominant Fe, and lower Te cannot stand in for higher Te.

If you are ENFP, your negative experiences with depression and bullying have presented serious obstacles to your function development. I don't think you are fully aware of how deeply tertiary loop and inferior grip have infiltrated your mind, attitude, and worldview. Long term problems with loop and grip during childhood and adolescence will impede healthy growth and expression of the dominant function. This may be enough to explain why you are not as confident, adventurous, and impactful as healthier Ne doms.

The instructions for submitting a type assessment require you to respond to every point in the Function Theory Guide. You didn't do this, so your function descriptions aren't detailed enough. If you don't provide exactly the information I asked for, I can't do a thorough type analysis. All I can say is: INTJ is highly unlikely because none of the functions fit. INFJ is doubtful because you don't seem to have any deep grasp of dominant Ni. ENFJ is possible, but I can't do the analysis since you didn't provide the information. ENFP is a better fit than INFJ. Although ENFP is a decent fit, I am unable to draw a firm conclusion because there isn't enough information for me to definitively rule out every other possibility.

#ask #assessment

[borderline-gays-club]

1/4/23 12:59am

Another year has passed and I’ve been taking my time to reflect. Time really does not make sense to me. Everyday feels like a blink. A step closer to some type of freedom. At least that what I hope for.

I won’t get into any kitty gritty at the moment, I don’t feel the need to. But I will say I’ve changed so much in a year. And I’m really proud of myself. I’m doing the work and I’m actually seeing the outcome. It’s kinda crazy honestly.

Last year New Year’s Eve I remember crying on the train. I think I wrote abt it on here. I was in deep obsession with a coworker I barely talked to and was feeling upset abt that. Bc yah obsessions are upsetting. And this New Year’s Eve, I got to make me and my 2 close friends my take on a traditional New Years dinner. It was so much fun. I haven’t felt that much excitement for cooking in a while. It was very refreshing. I love feeding ppl I love the food I make. That’s definitely one of my love languages.

Of course a lot more deep rooted change has happened but I’ll continue to reflect. I really do love the new years bc it gives me a time stamp for me to b able to comprehend myself. Esp already being so bad with time, I like having a concrete day to ask myself yearly questions and reflections.

Anyway. It’s a new year and it’s not so much a new me but an ever growing me. I’m slowly falling in love with myself and it’s hard but it’s happening. It’s hard for me to even type it bc I still don’t believe it all the time but: I love myself. And I’m proud of where I got myself to be. I don’t have much going financially or materially now, but I’m really in a much better place. I don’t feel the need for material/social things to define me like I used to. I’m finding my way.

I don’t want to say that I hope everyone’s new year was a good one, bc tbh that just feels empty. I kno this period of time in general is sensitive and difficult for ppl like us, and rightfully so. And even aside from that, I can’t not think abt Palestine everyday. What is a good new year if genocide continues to unfold in front of our eyes…

With that said, I wish everyone peace even if it’s only a minute a day. New year is just another day. Even if you feel that you’ve been regressing or not making the progress that you want, tomorrow is another day to try again. Step by step we will reach our truth. Watever that means to u. Be patient. Be gentle. (Writing this for other ppl reading but also writing all this for me).

Drink water, eat food when hungry, sleep enough hours (lol not me tonite). Good night ❤️

#actually bpd #bgc #bpd #bpd thoughts #quiet borderline #actually borderline #bpd shit

[sohelish]

*

#forgot to mention. I went for a walk in the morning... #like wow what's gotten into me. a ghost of a healthy lifestyle)) #and as I was about to enter the elevator this dude was exiting and inside his jacket he had the cutest curliest white doggo #I smiled so hard... that my mask popped. #lol not even kidding. the strap just... popped out xD xD xD #I feel like I wrote this to everyone I kno lol #doggo *applies level 50 cuteness* #me *armour check failed* *your armour is ineffective against doggo cuteness*

[fezho]

Home | Fexi - ch.3 - Doing What Makes Her Happy

Warnings: swearing, lol, drug use/talk etc, anything you’d expect from Fez/Ash/Lexi etc it will probs show up

Chapter 3: Doing What Makes Her Happy

Chap summary: Lexi and Fez talk about her play. He asks if he’s in it…. Lexi’s cheeks begin to burn.

Previous chapters:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Next:

Chapter 4

(Rue’s voice)

Lexi stayed talking to Fez until late in the night.

She brought up that she was currently directing a play at school.

Holding auditions, writing her story and making it into a production to show the whole school.

She felt like she was doing something for herself for once.

Something she actually wanted to do.

Not following anyone else or their terms.

But only herself and her own.

——

“So you like…held auditions for your sister and friends?” Fez asked as he sat on the sofa, his left arm draped over the back of it.

Lexi nodded.

“Bet that was weird at first.” He commented and she laughed a little.

“I guess. Hearing people yell lines at me that Cassie has said was an experience.”

Fez chuckled. “I bet.”

“But like…I finally feel, like, the first time in my life I’m doing something for myself.” She gestured with her hands as Fez sat listening to her. He nodded.

“Ye, best to live your life for yourself and not for others, you kno?”

Lexi thought for a moment. “You seem to help everyone, even if you don’t need to.”

Fez took a drag of his joint. “Ye. But, I don’ kno’.” He admitted. He knew he did. But he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t like what people saw.

And he knew that’s how Lexi saw him, not like how everyone else did.

“I like that you help people” she admitted.

He smiled and looked down at his fingers that held the joint. “You do?”

Lexi let out a noise of agreement.

“Well..um…I like how you’re finally standing up for yourself.” He quickly took a drag of the joint. God why did he just say that.

Lexi smiled and watched him as he smoked. His long lashes fluttered as he took the drag. He really was something completely different.

What she saw and experienced each day seemed the same bleakness that felt like a routine that was starting to get dull. But now, since she met Fez, it was starting to not feel so bleak. Not so dull anymore.

“So, you got all your friends in the play?” He asked looking at her.

She pursed her lips thinking and let out, “yeah, well. People will be playing them, with different names.”

“Are you worried they’ll be like….angry or upset with what they’ll see?” He asked.

Fez was actually curious what the hell she was writing and what they’ll see.

Will she let them know how they make her feel?

He wondered….

Lexi was thinking for a while and kind of shrugged and let out a nervous laugh. “Kind of…I guess. But also…not really?”

Fuck it. He thought.

“Am I in it?” He didn’t look at her as he asked. He kept his eyes on his hands again before dragging his eyes up to finally look at her when she didn’t answer.

She was sat there staring back at him. Her cheeks began to burn a little as he stared at her. Those eyes.

“Um….I haven’t finished writing everything yet..but we’ll see” she awkwardly let out and ended it with an even more awkward laugh.

Fez nodded his head softly and took another drag.

Lexi felt her heart pick up.

She actually wrote a scene of the New Years party. But she didn’t want to just tell him about it. God no. That would be humiliating.

“Fez…” Lexi let out.

She didn’t say his name often but when she did, damn did Fez want to smile. He kept his cool though, with the joint at his lips. He nodded his head up as if to say, “wassup?”

“Would you like to come and see the show when it’s ready and finished I mean. Like would you like to come and see it?”

He exhaled a big cloud of smoke, making sure not to blow it in her face as he nodded. “Ye. Yea, I would.”

Lexi smiled and nodded, breaking out in a big grin and she laughed softly.

If she was on the phone with him or alone right now, she would be kicking her legs in the air, scrunching her face up with the biggest grin and maybe even have a little dance.

She pulled her knees back up to her chest and leaned back looking at Fez.

Yes. She was finally doing what she wanted to do and making herself happy.

—--—

Chapter 4

#euphoria #fezco euphoria #fezco #fez #euphoria fez #lexi x fez #fez x lexi #lexi howard #fexi #fexi fic #fez fic #fezco fic #lexi x fezco #fezco x lexi #fezho #fezho fic #fic: home

[rein-ette]

Artie HC cuz even when my brain empty he takes up 60% of it

So I wrote like a 3 paragraphs before I realized I have to premise this with a couple things:

WHY DONT WE CALL ARTIE'S RELATIONSHIPS FOR WHAT THEY ARE. He has friends. He has acquaintances. He has lovers, and kids, and colleagues. Who falls into each category is obviously up to personal interpretation and changes over time, but can we pleaaaaaseeeeee stop pretending Arthur doesn't have friends and that his world is, like, just divided into "me" and "hostile beings".

Okay, having said that, these are the people who I believe fall into each group in 2021:

1. Close Friend Circle: (their relationships are complex, but they're friends, they are, ik arthur has problems with denial but we can call it for what it is) France, Spain, Port, Prussia, Belgium, Ned, Belgium, sometimes Denmark, also Hungary and Austria but they're not really close with artie so much as close with others in the group

2. Personal Friends (they're close with Arthur, but they don't share the same social circles): Norway, Japan, Malta (< so done with Arthur's shit but they frends), India (they were closer before...u kno), former states like Hessen, Saxony, Hanover

3. "Kid"-Friends: Alfred, Matthew

4. Mostly just kids: Zee, Aus, Singapore, HK, Seychelles, etc etc etc etc i can't list everyone

5. My Friend's Kids So I Share Some Responsibility and Can't Bully Them: Brazil, Macau, pr much all Portugal's other former colonies, and Ludwig.

6. Everyone Else: some shade between "i dunno you" to "i wish i didn't know you"

oKiE now the actual hc lol

Arthur's demeanor changes when he's interacting with nations younger than him (groups 3-5) versus his close friends in Europe. This isn't noticeable at meetings or situations where both are present, such as G7 meetings, because he just defaults to factory settings. But it is more pronounced when he's alone with either group. When alone with his kids/younger nations he feels some sort of kinship towards, he's more patient, calm, even tolerant. He's more likely to roll his eyes and brush things off, or let them get away with teasing with a half-hearted glare or a raised eyebrow. He's also quieter, content to listen to the kids chatter while he does something else or just zones out.

However, with Europeans -- especially countries that are considerably older than him like France, Portugal, Spain, Denmark, German states etc. --- he pulls out all the bratty stops. He's a lot snarkier, mischevious, even whiny if he feels really comfortable with the person. He's also more tolerant of physical contact and possessive gestures. For example, if he's with Mattie, Zee and Aus and Alfred puts an arm around his shoulder, he'll shrug it off. If someone tries to tease him about a romantic relationships at a Commonwealth meeting, he'll pretend he didn't hear them. But in the dinner parties after EU meetings, when its just him and the gang, he'll let Francis drape himself all over him, let Bella whisper in his ear, will even curl up with Port on the couch out of his own volition. Even with people like Denmark, Spain, Ned, or Prussia, he's more likely to slap/punch them playfully or go along with flirtatious jokes whereas he normally wouldn't touch them on his own initiative.

This comes as a surprise to a lot of Artie's kids, especially the ones who haven't seen him interact with the European nations on a personal level (mattie, having spent quite a bit of time shadowing Arthur in the 19th-20th centuries, is less surprised). And this is no coincidence. I hc that Arthur tried very damn hard to keep the two spheres of his life (his empire vs other empires) separate, to the point where in his old Victorian estate he would make sure the kids only stayed and played in the West wing while he recieved guests in the East wing, and no one was allowed to go to the other side of the house unless otherwise given permission. Of course nowadays they know that their dad brought lovers home and had some *interesting* relationships, but even when the sex part of diplomacy became normalized for ppl like Al or Matt, they still wouldn't often see Arthur be affectionate or accept affection from anyone, platonic or otherwise. In fact his kids probably knew more about the people Arthur hated than the people who loved him, because the closer he was with someone the more obsessive Arthur was about keeping them away from his kids and never talking about them. This probably stemmed from a semi-conscious fear that if the two worlds ever mixed one person might have too many cards to play against Arthur, ex. Port close with him and with his kids? = dangerous; Mattie being an sweet little baby angel but also knowing all his dirt? = danGerouS (he ended up knowing anyways). And was he wrong? The Alfred-Francis combo f*ckin ruined him, so. Some precedent there, for sure.

But yeah, because of that compartimentalization now when Arthur's kids happen to see him pull out the impish smirk or whiny pout with his friends, which is still exceedingly rare, they react with varying levels of shock plus anything from mild disgust to awww uwu.

From the other perspective, I think a lot of England's friends are still surprised by how gentle he is with his kids when he's not angry with them. I don't think countries like Spain, Ned or France had very loving relationships with their colonies at all -- it was mostly a cold distance or calculated affection. Of course Arthur was also far more strict in the 19th century, but even so there's an undercurrent of tenderness that, except for Port, I don't think the other European powers managed to create to the same extent.

#kids #hws england #my hcs #note that when I say arthur's kids i dont mean all of the former british empire #cuz yeah most of them weren't his kids they were grudging political allies at best #and ofc that relationship was different and Artie was often Not Nice #i think ab arthur being a brat more often than i shd #but he DOES have very strong older sibling and younger sibling vibes #which i think is kinda rare? #RAREST Arthur tho like absolute Collector's Edition is when he's completely enchanted by something and becomes so boyishly #unironically #excited #like i often think about the scene in Howl's Moving Castle where Howl shows Sophie the garden #that kinda mood #best arthur tbh

[sunder-soul]

you make most of it up? That's amazing. Could you maybe share your method/thinking/resources for someone who also wants to write believable class stuff in the hp fandom? Thank u very much

Yayaya sure!

Short answer:

So I'll pull details from the HP wiki, and if I need a random plant name or potion ingredient and can't be fucked making one up (or I don't need it to be something symbolic etc) I often use this random generator and either use those names straight out, or tweak them a bit before using them.

Long answer:

Well I'm a huge fan of soft worldbuilding (where you don't outline all the rules and details and instead have a sort of immersive description that leaves a lot unsaid) because I feel it makes things more realistic, like you're glimpsing little parts of things that are utterly normal and therefore don't need explaining ya kno. So when I write classroom scenes or any kind of 'lore' I try not to explain it and rely instead on characters reacting to things to convey its importance, normalcy, or strangeness.

I do this alllll the time but I did it HEAPS in white dove. When Tom is in trial and he gets a 'tier nine' cell (which I made up) I don't bother writing something like "oh my gosh tier nine is the worst and most intense type of cell you can get and it has these rules and these horrifying conditions" bc I don't need to. The whole room reacts with gasps and horror and even Tom looks freaked out (tho that's mostly bc he was expecting a sentence of a specific amount of years and was confident he could just outlive it bc immortal and that's the moment that he's like oh fuck, but the point still stands).

So the emotions/reactions of the people tell you everything you need to know without me having to outright describe it. You don't need to know what a tier 9 cell is, you get that it's fucking baddddd. In fact, it's sort of even better than explaining it bc our imaginations find the unknown even scarier than something horrifying described in detail.

In the same chap a bit further down, I make reference to a 'peeping charm' which I made up on the spot. Same deal but different context, it makes sense that magic users have a spell that'll act like a peephole in their doors, there's no reason to say 'this spell will let me look through the door without the person on the other side noticing so I can see who it is before opening it' because this would be a totally normal thing. So I just wrote it like it wasn't a big deal bc to this character in this context, this wouldn't be a big deal.

On the other hand you can also totally introduce something new that DOES need some detail/exposition. At the beginning of this same chap I say that Tom's lips and cheeks are flushed, that this a tell-tale sign of veritaserum poisoning, and that they've obviously given him heaps of the stuff. I made this up just bc I wanted there to be something the MC could visually and easily see from across the room that would establish that Tom's been given a SHIT TON of truth potion so that for the rest of the scene, the audience in the room with him AND the audience reading the chapter knows he's being forced to tell the truth. It just added to the tension of the moment and made sense for the context (a trial lol). It also gives the scene some layers - Tom was fairly brief and controlled when he actually speaks in that scene, and I wanted it to be unclear if this is because he's being super self controlled by choice as he's normally prone to being, if he knows that he'll be unable to lie and doesn't want to let on any more of his secrets, or if he knows honesty will destroy the picture perfect tragic image the newspapers have made for him if he's TOO much of a monster.

I'm rambling but the point is, if you're going to introduce details or concepts it's really important to have an understanding of who would know that stuff already, who would find it commonplace and who might be totally unaware of it. Sometimes everyone in the scene would know about it already but the AUDIENCE doesn't, and that's when you can use like casual conversation/questions between characters to give more info whilst also showing that this is all very normal.

Having a character not know something is an easy way to have another character explain something to them but there has to be a solid reason as to WHY one would know it and the other doesn't.

An example of a time I've used this is in Mimicry when the MC knows troll blood will ruin Tom's potion but Tom doesn't. Normally we'd be like 'wait what, why would a nerd-ass know it all like Tom not know this,' but it makes sense to my understanding of the character that he's the sort of person who got a recommendation that 'Zoological Potions Ingredients' was the BEST textbook on ingredients and went off and fucking memorised the whole thing and didn't think that anything could have changed in the 70 years after it was published (Tom strikes me as the sort of person who chases 'the best' and doesn't think much past that is worth considering). Hence why he didn't know that the classification for trolls changed and that further research was done, since he also strikes me as the sort of person who would consider reading up on the social status of trolls to be a little pointless lol, but surprise bitch it wasn't.

So I made up most of that except for the existence of Bundimuns and trolls - I went hunting on the wiki for some obscure substance I could reference in passing for a potions ingredient (and found Bundimuns), and honestly I can't remember how much about them I made up and how much is canon (I think they're mentioned to be used in cleaning products canonically...?)

But the point is more that this scene doesn't just flesh out the world, it tells u stuff about the two characters and how they interact. It tells you that Tom is very studious but doesn't like to revise his opinions, it tells you that the MC knows their shit, it tells you that Tom is suspicious (he instantly challenges them by referencing the textbook not saying what they're telling him), and it tells you that MC is a good bitch who would help out a dick like Tom just bc it's the right thing to do. It also shows Tom's flaws - his disregard of learning about other creatures/beings/people and the way they're treated in society tracks with what we know of his character, and I always think it's important to demonstrate (either directly to him within a scene or to the readers) that this is a stupid thing to do. In this case, his lack of interest in the struggles of others nearly fucked his own potion, he's only saved because MC 1) cares enough to read up about it, 2) sees the importance of revising formally formed opinions/understandings, 3) steps in to help him even though he probably wouldn't have done the same.

So that's soft world building, ya know, using these things to tell you about the characters, using knowledge and lack of knowledge, reactions, etc etc. Most of the details I make up are there to serve a purpose for the plot, but honestly that's just bc I'm writing short super condensed stories that don't have a lot of space for proper world building. In Seven Devils (and Mimicry to a lesser extent) I have a lot more of these details there to create an emotion/sense of the scene just for the sake of setting that scene, but that's for bigger works with more room to breathe.

Hmu if you want to know more but damn I DID write an essay huh 😅

#Anon #Ask #Writing #Mimicry #White dove

[sunsumu]

Can I request ushijima and tendou with an artist s/o? Like it’s a serious hobby for her just like their volleyball so they are known as the sporty and artistic couple? S/o has many canvases in her room and always carries a sketchbook. She can get really focused on her work and forget to sleep or something lol. Headcanons please! If you are ok with doing this, thank you!!

a/n: HI WE WROTE THIS A WHILE BUT WE FORGOT TO POST IT WE’RE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT!! tendou was written by admin lisa and ushijima was written by admin oli. hope you enjoy!!

ushijima x artist!y/n hcs

he totally gets how you feel about art, because to him it’s the same but with volleyball

he’s glad that you can understand him too!

this way there won’t be much hard feelings or miscommunication about not being able to spend much time together

you often go to his practices and games!

it’s a really good way to study anatomy

you draw him the most

there are at least 10 pages probably more filled with ushijima spiking, blocking, etc.

the rest of your sketchbook is filled with him just being ushijima ((:

if tendou sees your sketchbook he will tease you nonstop about it

“looks like toshi toshi really got himself a loving girlfriend hmm~”

ushijima blushes a little when he sees that your sketchbook was filled with him

is so happy you’re just looking at him and no one else ((:

first time he went to your house and saw your room he was like 00:

“y/n there’s there’s so many canvases..”

“yeah i know! i have some commissions to do so i bought some extra canvases”

“but y/n....where do you sleep?...”

“on a c a n v a s”

he picked up on you skipping meals and not sleeping real quick

one day you walked into class with dark circles around your eyes and looked more bony than usual

he is concerned. pls. EAT AND SLEEP.

makes sure that you don’t skip your meals and always. always. feeds you after school

if this was in his professional volleyball years, than he would make sure to leave you little notes around your shared apartment reminding you to eat and rest well

would also text you reminders as well

toshi toshi: y/n it’s about lunch time remember to eat well [sent 11:00 AM]

toshi toshi: remember to take breaks while you’re painting i love you ((: [sent 3:30 PM]

if that doesn’t make your heart go 📈📈📈 idky what will

for sleeping, if he thinks you’re overworking yourself he would just simply carry you and bring you to bed with him

“.....”

[carries you to bed]

“w-wait toshi i still have to finish this commission”

[already has you caged in his arms]

no ifs, ands, or buts

sleep now.

if you’re painting though, he makes sure you’re paints won’t smudge or dries up, or ruin your work

extra careful about that

he just wants you to sleep )):

tendou x artist!y/n hcs

you often attended his games with a sketchbook in hand

you loved drawing him in action, especially in his incredible blocks

“draw me like one of your french girls”

“tendou... shut up please”

he checks up on you a lot with random phone calls

and you always answer cause YOU NEVER SLEEP

“go to sleep y/n~”

“how about you?”

“im only awake for you”

tendou likes coming over and hopping around just complimenting your work

and he likes bragging about you to everyone

“MY girlfriend can draw SO WELL”

“tendou you’ve said this ten times today, we kno-“

“NO BUT SHE’S SO GOOD”

you have like fifteen studies on his hands

hand kink? good anatomy practice

you cannot match his red hair w your paints and youre always so frustrated about it

he likes looking through your sketches (with your permission of course)

after a good block he always looks at you

“HEY Y/N HOW WAS THAT? YOU GONNA DRAW IT?”

“tendou pls everyones looking-“

he probably has seven paintings of himself bc they were gifts from you.

they are ALL up on his walls.

tendou’s super supportive and he loves you

always encouraging

“ugh this sucks i hate it”

“ITS SO GOOD... LOOKLOOK LOOK HOW PRETTY YOU DRAW THAT”

you miss your meals a lot

so he comes over w snacks and food and just lays there admiring you and your work

he feeds you

“tendou im not hungry”

“you havent?? eaten the whole day?? its literally 2 pm rn...”

“and?”

“EAT.”

yeah in da end he loves u and your art <3

op if ur an artist... i love you <333

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu #ushijima x y/n #ushijima imagine #wakatoshi ushijima #tendou x y/n #haikyuu tendou #tendou x reader #tendou satori #haikyuu headcanons #headcanons #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu ushijima #admin oli #admin lisa

[whynotwinnie]

Timida part 2: Roger Taylor x OC

a quick part 2 that i wrote just now hopefully I keep the momentum lol

Timida Part 2 

No Trigger warnings yet (there is one cuss word though)

MICKEY

“It took you long enough,” Roger said you could see his fake mad face from here. You couldn’t help but laugh checking the clock on your wall reading 7:37

“Sorry, I left the cafe a little later than expected.”

“What time did you end up leaving?”

“It was almost 7 when I walked out.”

“Are you kidding me?” he shouted into the receiver. You flinched at the sudden noise jerking your head from the speaker.

“I was literally right there, I could’ve stopped by after recording to go see you again. I thought you would be gone by then.” hearing the pout that he definitely had on his face made your heart jerk.

“I actually usually stay there for a while, I don’t like being at home by myself,” you cringed at yourself realizing how you sound “I mean like- I don’t like being lonely,” you ran your hand through your hair wishing you could go back in time.

“I understand what you mean like you realize how alone you are when you’re… well alone. I used to get like that too when I moved out but now that I live with one of my bandmates I wish I could be alone.” He joked.

God, he is so nice and respectful good thing you didn’t hang up.

“That’s exactly how I feel.” you almost whispered to the receiver

“Don’t feel bad I’m sure everyone has gone through that in one way or another, but hey you’re never alone you have me, and if you’re lucky I’ll only bother you all the time.”

You laughed, he is so good at talking you felt yourself start to relax and you pulled a nearby chair to the phone hook so you can sit and talk.

“How was your band recording going?” wishing you sounded less awkward than you felt. 

“It was great actually we hardly fought this time and we didn’t have to record the same song more than six times so I’ll say it’s a win.”

“Do you guys fight often?”

“Well… Noooo-yeah we do but we know not to take it to heart we all just want the best for the group, by the end of the day whatever fight broke out is forgotten and forgiven. It’s very rare that we don’t fight but hey, maybe today was my lucky day with meeting you and a good band practice.”

Your face burned. 

“Oh well, I got free coffee today and met you so I think I got lucky too.”

You spent the rest of the time getting to know little things about each other

What’s your last name? Taylor, What’s yours? Oliviero-Vila. What’s your favorite color? Black, can I guess yours. Sure. Purple. No, it’s Green. Green does suit you, Mickey. Do you have any siblings? Yeah, my sister is named Clare. Do you have siblings? I have four older brothers. Jesus Christ four? Yeah, their names are Lucas, Marcelino, Benvolio, and Matias. How was that? Yeah, growing up was a pain but I love them… I guess. Do you have a middle name, mine is Luciana. No, I don’t have a middle name. You don’t? Nope. Are you sure? I’m sure. Are you lying? No why would I lie about my middle name? I don’t know maybe because you don’t like it. Who doesn’t like their middle name? Roger are you going to tell me your middle name or not. Fine… It’s Meddows. I like it! Well of course you do, you’re a girl. I’ll switch you Luciana for Meddows. I’ll take that deal.

It went on and on until he brought up what you did for work. 

“Well it’s kind of a long story but I used to work for this seamstress downtown but recently I decided to go a different direction and work for myself.”

“So do you like fix clothes?” 

Ouch 

“Well I do that, but I also make my own clothes which is my real passion but as of right now all the orders I get are me making hemlines or fixing a patch.” 

“Where have you advertise your stuff?”

“At the cafe actually I put my information on the community bulletin board and got a handful of customers.”

“Next time you and I can go hang flyers all throughout town advertising your stuff if you want.”

“That’s okay,” you said grinning “I think I’m doing well for myself as of right now.”

“Let me kno- Fred are you serious right now Mickey can you give me a second please.”

You heard commotion on the other end of the line another voice and Roger arguing back and forth until.

“Hello Darling, is this Mickey?” you heard Rogers voice faintly in the background “Fred stop that’s not funny.”

“Umm yes.”

“You sound pretty I can understand why Roger was an hour late to recording today.” Rogers voice again in the back “C’mon don’t do that”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t know he had anywhere to be.” were you in trouble right now?

“That’s okay dear I don’t blame you, of course, it’s this devil over here that causes all the trouble. But I have to say he could not stop talking about you he just kept going on and on about how you were so beautiful and how funny you are.”

You stayed quiet, how are you supposed to answer that?

“I don’t think I’m that funny.” 

The other voice laughed “I think we’re going to get along great, I’m Freddie one of Roger’s bandmates and his flatmate so for future warning don’t fuck in my room.”

You choked red in the face “Oh gosh no- I wouldn’t- I mean in your room- I mean I just met Ro-”

“I’m just joking darling! Please you are too sweet I’ll let you go but I do expect to see you soon. Ta!” Freddie then handed the phone to Roger who had some choice words for him.

“I’m so sorry about that Mickey, I couldn’t grab the phone from him because he was sitting on me.”

“It’s okay no harm done, he is actually quite funny.”

“Yeah, he’s like that all the time.” he yawned you checked the time 12:26.

“I can let you go, I think that’s enough excitement for the day,” you said 

“I would love to continue to talk to you Mickey, honestly.” 

“Can I call you tomorrow?” you said softly

“Yes please,” he sighed “Our recording ends at the same time but on the weekend we’re off, do you think I can take you on a date then?”

“I would like that very much, Roger.” 

“Great. I’ll let you get your sleep now Mickey.”

“Ok, I’ll talk to you tomorrow Roger.”

“Goodnight love” and he hung up.

That “goodnight love” kept replaying in your head until it felt fake, you couldn’t possibly go to bed. 

You looked back at the discarded fabric at your work station and decided that it was time to start the gown.

You turned on your ancient sewing machine and pulled out your mannequin to drape the fabric on. 

Five hours later you had finished a dark blue off shoulder, A-line evening dress. It was simple but chic. You wish you had a camera so you could take a photo of it but the sketch would do. Maybe you could ask the client to take a photo of it for you so you can save it to your portfolio. You yawned shaking your head, now you really needed to go to bed.

Taking off your jeans you slid into your comforter thinking about how your day played out, wondering what turn of events led you to meet Roger. Thinking about him made your heart squeeze and then you thought of the last thing he said to you was “Good night love.” and you shut your eyes and slept.

#Queen #queen band #queen smut #queen imagine #queen imagines #rogertaylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor smut #roger taylor fanfic #borhap #borhap smut #ben hardy #ben hardy smut #ben hardy imagine #queen fluff #roger taylor fluff

[haicuties]

Hi!! I hope you're having an awesome day 😁 I just found your blog and I love it lots!! I was wondering if you could continue a proper "endinf" / part 4 to the single dadchi post!! It'd be great to see what happens with their relationship / healing of the past / day to day life with their new family set up :)!! Thank you!!

hopefully this is closure for someone LOL used to have a book with what i wanted to do with this series,,, idk where it went so this is on the fly after reading what i wrote years ago. possible part 5? idk. -admin omi

Part I Part II Part III

warning: slight nsfw lol

It’s been almost two years and some months since you and Sawamura made your relationship official, and then about 9 months since he proposed to you. There has been a lot, and I mean a lot of adjustments you both had to make in order for this relationship to grow. A lot of arguing, crying, forgiving, and fucking your differences out. Both of you still have very deep wounds that have not completely healed, heck, maybe will never heal– that’s why you both always give your best, always putting in 100/0 effort.. Your parents love Sawamura, although they questioned why you would put 100/0 effort when something could happen.. afraid of what’s happened before, but they understood once you told them that you don’t expect anything back, you love him and that’s all that mattered– and he felt the exact same way.

0832 - Sunday morning

As the sun beamed through the blinds, you felt the warmth gradually increase onto your face. Looking to the other side of the bed, you saw him. The one man that made the pain of your late daughter, less painful. 

“Good morning, my beautiful wife.” he quietly cooed

“Were you just watching me sleep?” a small chuckle left your lips as you sat up to stretch, bringing his shirt to lift over your stomach. 

“As I do every morning, what can I say? I have the most beautiful woman sleeping next to me.”

“Yeah yeah, do you want coffee? I’m going to make myself some tea” you asked while standing and looking back at him seeing him nod.

Walking down the hallway, you peek into Manami’s room to check if she was still sleeping, knowing she’s likely to be knocked out. “As I thought, out like a light.. Maybe I’ll surprise her with pancakes.” You thought closing the door

Sawamura trailed behind you to join you.

“How is my second baby doing anyway?” He asked while rubbing her belly“Mm, she’s fine, moving a lot this week but that’s to be expected, I do only have a little more than 2 months left until her due date.” putting your hand on his you smiled softly. 

7 months prior

Sawamura sat you down and asked how you felt on having another child now that you were married. 

“I understand if you’re on edge about it.. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately– I just didn’t kno–”

“I– am nervous.” You said cutting him off“I have been thinking about it.. I am just afraid, that I’ll lose another.. Lose you. You already know after I got pregnant with Nori that he left.. I just don’t want you to leave either.” you said stuttering, you felt the tears welling up around your eyes“I’m not like him, and you know that! I would never leave you! Y/n, you make me feel something, happiness that I haven’t felt since Kayo.. you brought happiness to Manami!” he exclaimed, feeling the tears as well. “I’m dedicated to you. And only you.” 

“.. And Manami.” you laughed trying to lighten the mood. “Alright, physically, I am ready to bare another child, mentally, I am still afraid, but not as much now..” 

Seeing that it would be a bit difficult to try for a baby with Manami around, you both decided to drop her with her grandparents for a little more than a week, as a ‘vacation’ for her. Thrilled she was more than okay with it considering Daichis parents had a dog. 

After that, for the entire 8 days she was away, you both used any time (and anywhere) you could to try to have sex. “You think that was enough?” He said panting “I’m pretty sure the amount of cum I pumped into you over the week could amount to an entire gallon.”

Laughing, you looked at him and then down to your swollen pussy lips “Maybe, I guess we’ll find out in a couple weeks. If not, I mean your parents love having Nami over.” 

A couple weeks later, it was official. You held the pregnancy test in your hand showing the clear plus sign. “I’m pregnant..” you thought thinking back to when you found out you were pregnant with Nori.Sawamura then found you crying on the bed because of it. Your fears and anxiety were getting the best of you, and it was hard since now that it’s real. It feels like this is an attempt to replace Nori. And he knew you thought that too since that’s what he felt when he met you, like he was replacing Kayo- it wasn’t that though.. This was and is you both healing wounds that have taken charge of your your lives since the tragedy happened.

Turning to him, tears flowing down your red tinted face “I’m pregnant… and most of all, scared..” He sat down next to you and hugged you tight, bringing your body onto his lap and kissing you everywhere.“It’s alright to feel the way you do. I felt the same when I realized I loved you. It hurts, it feels wrong, but it also feels right.” he said bringing your chin so you could look at him He had a point, before the thoughts ran through your head, you felt happiness seeing that plus sign glow on that pregnancy test.

Back to present day

1047 - Sunday morning

”Darling, can you finally wake that daughter of ours to come eat? I made pancakes!” you giggled “Yes, I’ll go fetch her.” he said walking towards her room

Peeking into her room, “Manami? You up?” “Kind of daddy, I smelled pancakes.. Did mommy make.. pancakes?” she queitly said under the blanket half asleep waiting for a confirmation“Yes. thats right, she did make them.. the chocolate ones too.” 

Immediately, she jumps out of bed and runs towards the bathroom to freshen up “OKAY IM COMING!” she yelled out while visibly trying to rushYou set the plate of freshly made chocolate chip pancakes at the table and started to make everyone’s plate. Before you know it, Manami is sitting in her chair with fork and knife in hand impatiently waiting for her plate“GOOD MORNING MOMMY! I AM HERE TO EAT!” she shouted as Daichi sat down next to you“Well good morning pretty girl, you seem very energetic this morning.”“THAT’S BECAUSE MOMMY MADE ME PANCAKES! I LOVE PANCAKES” “Yes I sure do know that little one. Go on and eat up my love.” you said smiling softly while putting her plate in front of her and giving Daichi his

Sitting down, you rubbed your belly and sipped your tea. Looking at your two loves, you couldn’t help but think “How could I be so lucky with a family like mine..” 

#admin owl #haikyuu!! #sawamura daichi #haikyuu imagines #hq!! #daichi x reader

[pathologising]

How are you so chill talking about your trauma/disorders from trauma like I don't think I could survive that hell or even talk about it years after :( I HOPE to god I'm not being insensitive or triggering I just don't understand

ur not insensitive dw. i orginally wrote a lot? for this ask just now but i think it was kindof all over the place so im gonna try again lol:

it does hurt a lot i think, but im also just very detached from my emotions and also the amnesiac walls do be helping me not remember it all so thats a plus of dissociative disorders. but also the main thing is (Which i think is the one thing that upsets me most) that i dont really know anything else? like a lot of people who go thru traumas in adult hood have a self/life “before” the trauma and so they have a marker for “this isnt okay”. i didnt have that notion that shit wasnt normal untill i got older, like abuse is the only thing i know as a childhood (which is the thing that makes me most upset bc like damn id kill for a normal life). so im frank ig bc like..what else is there to say lol u kno! i also think being open abt “hey i went thru this n heres my experiences with comorbid severe mental illness” is helpful to other people, esp when u begin to recover. literally the one thing that has helped me get out of the self re-traumatisation and idea that life is hopeless for me was finding people with disorders and trauma like me who survived! also bc people have this weird notion that it never...happens to nyone like they see it in movies or hear it in the news and they dont realise literally millions of kids are traumatised and never got justice and cps didnt do shit u know? also bc i think here ive connected with a lot of other survivors <3

but also i think talking online abt it is like much easier for me simply because im detached from the internet lol i literally feel like im screaming into an empty cave like nobody is real im just out here in hell u know? i hate opening up about it irl tho because talking about it verbally and actually acknowledging it is so much harder than just typing out words (for me personally, everyone is different) so in therapy its difficult but i do it anyway bc it has to b done! i think thats mostly it ??????

tldr: dont have any idea what a normal childhood is like so its literally like how you would talk abt ur own childhood (minus any positive nostalgia) but also it does hurt a lot but also im detached from it all 

#ive tried to die but like i think im done with that because none of the times were pleasant (clearly) #so its like whatver i guess i gotta keep going #but it does hurt. #i have older posts onlin somewhere that were vent edits #a lot of them were m wantin to kill myself #and i still deal with it #but like whatever u know? #therapy has changed stuff #and i think i as a person am fundamntally broken sure #but i think itll get easier with recovery #but my ability to connect with others and form bonds is broken and i wont get that back #and i guess thats okay like it isnt but i cant do shit #bout it #sorry for typos my keyboard sux!!! #csa tw #abuse tw #suicide tw #anonymous #💌

[d1ology]

please rant about part 1 i love reading

oh man where do i even begin

ok. first 3 episodes were soo fun. i love the stupid victorian family drama. i remember being so pleasantly surprised by the first episode with the fast paced side by side introductions of its main charas backstories, still one of my favorites today tbh. i love the pb take on vampires too like it was ridiculous unsexify it by making them suck with their fingers but they still have fangs, hanging upside on ceilings, awesome. pbs vampire vibes are just so fun i love their stupid noises and everything. dios transformation is also one of my favorite parts. love the build up and then he just went wild lol. they were trying to do so much with symbolism like the family statue which would have been fun if that were more important.

after those eps, "hey that was better than i thought alright lets see part 2" brother: "uh theres more" "THERES MORE?" then. it got worse . tbh, will zeppeli want 2 b a fan of the funny man but i was rlly like. wtf is up w this part. feel like it really started to feel like the campy weekly comic strip/saturday morning cartoon, which is fine but felt so abrupt to me. i mean it was ridiculous before but i was Not prepared for hamon. Did Not care for minor zombie fights. everyon likes funny speedwagon narrator but tbh i didnt like how much he got reduced. he was actually pretty fun in the first dio confrontation. araki shows a hes a little capable of character writing w poco, which felt wayy to short but satifsying in its own way tho its kind of. hard to care. dio was being typical villian so part of me didnt care another was kind of entertained hes just a comedically villainous guy who is a vampir.

pb has so much cringy shit in it like im sorry like dire and the zombies introducing themselves literally makes me cringe. i mean in the literal sense of the word :(.

love erina sm she was so nerfed by being forced to b in 1800s england. she held back so fucking much she couldve been so hardcore. arki wrote some decentish women when he wasnt trying to b edgy. like i at least dont remember her being sexualized, kind of felt like she could be a real person. unfortunately she is only just a love interest narratively speaking (for pb)

love how legacy was passed onto erina n lisa lisa as well. baby lisa lisa 🥺 straizo was so funny for being lisas adoptive gay father. wish we got to kno more bout the twos time together

i actually really love jonathans death scene too and dios stupid overdramatic dialogue during that. pb would not b what it is without jonathans death.

but yeah basically stupid destiny shit. brother fight. mask. dumb vampire. ignore mostly everything else ^_^ also. pb fans watch the bustin amv

#basically dont take pb too seriously but the ''serious''parts r kinda fun lol #i read the manga too its just easier to break apart by episode #this is soo much longer than i thought itd be whoops #theres a lot i left out #i dont think i even tried being coherent sorry ik this is what u asked for #😭 not great having thoughts written out #also not a fan of the racist stereotyping but eh ig thats given

[thisisthehardestthing]

wait r u fr? tumblr ate the ask? pls i’m so fuckin mad i literally typed paragraphs about how much i loved it so here we go i’m gonna try to be more coherent this time:

this mafia fic is my favorite haikyuu fic i’ve ever read and one of my fave fics in general. like the amount of hard work and research u put into it is so clear and it shows in the amazing quality of the fic. ur pacing, the flow of ur words, ur characterizations of tanaka and val, the way u pull off that last scene. everything is so well done and all of those things are super hard to pull off on their own so props to u for being able to do all of those. like wow i really am in awe of ur talent and i’m so thankful for ur hard work and the fact that u posted this like u rlly took me thru an emotional ride and gave me such a good piece of writing to enjoy and i love that.

okay so: details. i love the way u include the little things in the fic. stuff like the name of the designers and the names of organizations and stuff in the fic helps me picture the scenes so much and it just really adds to the extravagant feel of the fic.

with symbolism, i could literally write paragraphs about how well u included symbols in this fic. like i deadass gasped when the viper necklace was crushed in the final scene at the end right before tanaka did it. the parallels!!!! god ur so good at writing and obviously ur brain is huge to have thought of that and seamlessly included it into the fic.

okay so idk what the proper term for this is but like, the way that action happens in the fic is so well done and not predictable but still in line with what you’ve revealed to us about the characters. like ofc tanaka would pull the necklace out of his pocket at just that moment as a way to reveal to daichi what he felt. it’s just so perfect and so true to the person he is in the fic. about his characterization, god i love it so much. all of the pain and yearning and sheer want in his person were clearly conveyed thru his perspectives and his actions. like that boy just wants to be loved and that’s why it made such good narrative sense to have daichi ask him who he loves more in the scene right before the ending. like i saw the tag for death and expected a million things but u somehow managed to surprise me and yet still stay true to the world and characters u created and ugh, it’s all so perfect.

speaking of, the pacing of this fic is so good. like u manage to take us thru a whirlwind time period that doesn’t feel fast or drawn out or anything other than perfect. u have such a good awareness of pacing that it makes me so jealous and yet so pleased as a reader. like nothing about their love confessions or trysts felt rushed or forced. it felt so natural and true to the people they were and the world that they live in.

also i said before in the other ask how i love the way u utilize sex scenes in the fic. u sprinkle them in at just the right moment and they manage to be hot but they also reveal so much about the characters involved. like i’m specifically thinking of the scene in tanaka’s home where she asks why he won’t touch her and he says that she didn’t give him permission. like the love and devotion in that way of thinking felt so true and yet in the end he still did it and ugh that breaks my heart in the best way bc i know my pain as a reader is nothing next to his pain as a character. i would actually love to pick ur brain about how u decided on the ending. did it come to u in the moment or did u set out writing the fic knowing it would end up like that? so many questions rlly bc u created a world and a cast of characters that are so interesting like i would literally read books about them. (esp val. i loved how headstrong and proud she was but also how weak and emotional she could be. her ending made me sad but u kno, it made sense) and i’m especially curious to find out how tanaka copes after. like i can’t imagine that daichi would just accept his loyalty again but u do manage to surprise me in the best way so who knows. but i also mourn for him which is a little odd for me bc after finding out that he knew about daichi’s affair i felt betrayed and it hurt for some reason which is so interesting bc i trusted him and felt like i knew him, but u still managed to keep parts of him hidden, which is so cool.

oh and despite the tragic ending, u fed us so good with scenes of the two everywhere. like i love how we got to see tanaka and val in their own homes and at parties and we truly got to see how they act when they’re alone and when they’re comfortable and when they’re playing the part of loyal bodyguard or loyal wife. ugh it’s all so good and tbh i only finished it like maybe half an hour again but i already want to read it again bc it was so fucking good and the way u write emotions like yearning and heartbreak is so good like ugh. everything about the way u wrote this fic was so amazing and fuck tumblr for eating my ask but i hope i at least manage to repeat the majority of what was in the og ask lol.

hello anon <3

It is the weekend so I finally have enough brain power to reply.

I wanted to be selfish and keep this in my inbox forever, because this might be the kindest, most appreciative thing everyone has ever said to me about my writing. Toska is a piece of my heart and my soul in written word, and to have received something like this? It’s... indescribable. You have picked up on so many of the small details, symbols, and more that I littered throughout the fic, and you’ve called out the things that I was excited about people reading and reacting to.

Fic Spoilers below the cut.

everything is so well done and all of those things are super hard to pull off on their own so props to u for being able to do all of those.

Thank you so much. I constantly worried that it was too long, too boring, that there wasn’t enough smut in there to be sexy, or that the plot ultimately didn’t make sense. This means everything to me. Pacing is one of the most important things in a fic to me, because I am the kind of person that easily loses interest when I read. 

details. i love the way u include the little things in the fic.

ahhhhhhhhh!!!! I’m glad this helped you to picture everything! I actually used real life dresses, shoes, locations (google Villa La Vigie, it is STUNNING). I was a fashion student, and I now work in the fashion industry so small details to convery luxury is extremely important to me. I love that it made all the difference to you.

i could literally write paragraphs about how well u included symbols in this fic.

fuck, wow. this. This is what I was truly hoping for. I love figuring out foreshadowing in movies, in books, in tv series. I try to write things that foreshadowing what going to happen in the end throughout of every one of my fics, but this is the first time someone called it out, and I am truly grateful for it. The viper necklace thing is a moment I was very proud of. and when Tanaka tells Val to stop talking about Daichi when they’re alone on the bed together: that’s the first instance where we see his guilt that he knows. Also, when Tanaka says “why dont i finish what I started,” is another thing I linked to the ending.

the way that action happens in the fic is so well done and not predictable but still in line with what you’ve revealed to us about the characters.

kasjsdfhksjdfsd I always thought people could see right through me and how I was going to end it!!!!!!! This means so much thank you! I kept thinking, “fuck people know he’s going to kill her, this is so predictable, all these extra scenes are so boring, is it even worth it?” so AH thank you!

thank you again for the pacing comment <3

i love the way u utilize sex scenes in the fic. u sprinkle them in at just the right moment 

hehehehehehe this makes me very happy. tbh, I wasn’t expecting there to be SO MUCH PLOT when I wrote this fic. I had mapped everything out and planned for it to be about... 5k? words? It ended up being 21k all together lmao. I actually thought there wasn’t enough smuttiness in the entire thing, so thanks for letting me now that it was just the right amount. I was worried because the only time I actually describe them fucking with Tanaka’s dick inside her, is that measley one paragraph at the Monte Carlo Casino. When I realised that, I was in utter shock. I was texting @mindninjax in the discord server like “FUCK. I can’t believe I haven’t actually written sex sex.” Then I went into thinking how disappointed people were going to be and phew, it was a whirlwind of a night.

i would actually love to pick ur brain about how u decided on the ending. did it come to u in the moment or did u set out writing the fic knowing it would end up like that? so many questions rlly

ask away, send in questions. I built this world beyond what I’ve written. I have character layouts and plans for every person I introduced, and have ideas for fics on all of them.

To answer your question, I knew exactly how I wanted it to end before I began writing. That end scene is what I thought of first. Exactly like that, with it being cut off mid-sentence to represent her being shot. That sort of “boom” or feeling of shock where you just stare at the screen is the exact reaction I wanted to get when I finished writing, so I hope that is what happened.

So just, thank you so much anon. For everything, for taking the time to write out this ask a second time after Tumblr ate the first one. It has kept me going since the day you sent it. I really appreciate you, and please, chat to me anytime x

Thank you.

Spasiba x

#spasiba #claudia rambles #toska asks #fic spoilers #spoiler #i love you so much #thank you

[cinnaminsvga]

any college au recommendations that contains hella fluff? 🥺

oh dip!! i honestly haven’t been reading much fics that often these days… which is SAD because!! literally what have i been doing!! i’ve been spending my days just #losing my #mind but i mean!! here’s some stuff that i’ve read in the past i guess… it’s not a complete list by a long shot, so go over to @milkysvga​ for more stuff that i’ve read before!! (also im sorry to everyone who reads this rec list im literally on the midst of a mental breakdown bc of oversleeping but ye kno!! at least i washed my hands LMAOOOO)

fox rain by @jincherie​ & me - LOL sorry for recommending my own fic… i mean!! you asked for a college au then don’t you want a college au that’s like… 70K words and counting? yea rha and i are insane but we love this fic to bits and if you’re into secret love letters and college shenanigans… this is for you >:D

of lace and lust by @hobidreams - miss rain… MISS RAIN… who the fuck hasn’t read this wtf… i think this is the first thing i ever read from her masterlist ngl LOL also i just REALLY REALLY like childhood friends to lovers trope… it’s like, SUCH a good trope… miss rain is so epic and i love her pls also read her mothman fic it’s super great (disclaimer: it’s not actually about mothman unfortunately… it’s called matters of the heart but i call it mothman bc i like being a shithead bc rain loves me anyway

break the ice by @minflix​ - can i call this a cult classic… i’m gonna call it that idgaf LMAOOO i remember when elle first posted this on her old blog and i was legit like, one of the first people who reboobed it before i even read it bc i knew it was gonna be gr8… anyway do u like hockey? no? well who give a shit the world is a fuck and jikook fuck you ain’t that what life’s all about???

mission impossible by @hobiwonder - maria… she’s insane but i love her also she loves sub!kook and idk about you but that makes her a REAL homie… i know anon asked for fluff but this is crack smut and i had to rec her or else i feel like i physically might be committing a sin so here we are. here we ARE. can you tell im unhinged

kiss it better by @jincherie​ - hey can u tell im biased towards my friends… well, im SORRY but i have to rec this one by rha too because i literally paid her to write this so… you can’t kill me also jungkook is so CUTE HERE I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! he wears a skirt and thats really important to me okay end scene

miss dial by @versigny - okay another cult classic omg i love kappy SO MUCH… WHEN WILL SHE RETURN FROM THE WAR… okay in all seriousness this fic was one of the first things i ever READ when i joined tumblr… it’s so good… it’s so dirty but so SWEET like you can tell yoongi is just a fucking sweetheart and i’m seconds away from eating that fool don’t touch me don’t look at me don’t even think of me i’m gonna photosynthesize

voice mail by @joonary​ - i only recently read this and NARY!!!!! i’ll kill her she makes seokjin so fucking [dialtone noises] idk can you tell i’m losing my mind rn? it’s 2am but ANYWAY… seokjin is like [dialtone noises] and then y/n is also [dialtone noises] and that’s the tea…………..

i’m in love with you, sorry by @guksheart - there are literally no words…… NO WORDS…… if computer screens allowed me to jump dimensions across time and space, cait would be a fucking pancake… f2l shitheads unite… this is our national anthem… look at yoongi. look at him. LOOK AT HIM!!!!!!! HE HAS FEELINGS AND HES MAKING MY HEART GO POOPOOPEEPEE am i making sense. hello. is this mic on?????? anyway i love the way cait wrote yoobie thats it thats the post

okay… thats it… if you want mxm ficrecs you can go to my bookmarks page here on my ao3… but on the top of my head (not linking them bc im lazy im SORRY), i can recommend beta tau sigma by bazooka, anything by fruitily (aka yoonkookers messiah), years since you’ve been here by ameliabedelias (tbh anything by them also… they are so Good), and you are my bravest everything by 777335

#fic rec #MAN!!! I HAVE NOT DONE ONE OF THESE IN SO LONG #this is literally so incomplete IM SORRY its so late and i cant remember anything... #i wanted to eat cereal but i couldnt remember where my utensils were #turns out i put them beside my toothbrushes... Why #Anonymous #answered

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 9

back at it again, and its time for the shadowplay arc, HELL yeah

oh I'm so excited i love this arc lets DO this

oooh its nightbeat and quark!! way before they become relevant, which is so cool

‘one of those recepticon fanatics’ lmao imagine if they were...the recepticons. just doesn't have the same ring to it 

god i fucking love all the politics of mtmte. i love how they’re talking about the senate here before we really get to See how bad they were (we heard a bit about it from whirl a few issues ago, and now here)

love how nightbeat is pretty much agreeing with the decepticon ideology here, even if its clear that he isn't Actually a decepticon - it just drives home the fact that, in this story, The Decepticons Were Right About A Lot Of That Stuff (or at least, they had a reason other than ‘destruction’ for rebelling). 

AND THEN THERES RUNG!!!!!!! WITH HIS MODEL OF THE LOST LIGHT....god i fuckgin LOVE the continuity in this story bc the first time reading this ur like oh ok rung is old yea makes sense...but then later all the time travel stuff happens and then its like OHHHHH 

damn poor rung nightbeat can rlly tell he's lonely just by looking at him vbhjdkdfhbjsjkdf geez. also nightbeat that's ur mystery stick bf from the future js!!

quarks extreme POV on all of the stuff is so interesting, and makes so much sense bc of Course he would think that as a non-combatant scientist who, due to his functional value in current society, wouldn't really benefit much from a revolution - in fact, he’d probably lose a lot. and that’s the sort of thing where you’re like, ok well think about everyone else dude, have some perspective - but at the same time, quark did suffer a pretty terrible fate, so his fears weren't entirely unfounded...augh, its so fascinating...im sorry I'm not gonna shut up about space robot politics this Entire time

HOW did nobody notice that dead body before now

ratchet spray-painting the hands he stole from pharma to match his own paintjob is like...kinda gruesome if you think about it hvbhsjkdfbkjdf

i love rewind sooo much oh my god 

he rlly stashed rung’s comatose body in a wheelchair behind the bar hbkjdhfbshjkdf rewind 

rewind and chromedome’s tag-team explanation....ough hhhhh THEM 

wait a sec, rewind, you have medical records in your database? that is, at least according to regular medical laws, very illegal lmao. my favorite long-running theme in mtmte: the fact that hipaa and osha laws on cybertron are either basically nonexistent, or just universally disregarded 

what the actual fuck is up w/cybertronian time units. that shit is wack as hell 

ooh i love how chromedome looks different in the flashback - no shoulder tires! - that's a cool detail

how come prowl just said ‘minute,’ rewind was busting it up w/all the wack ass fantasy time units just a second ago. geez

also goddd i love the scenery of pre-war cybertron, its SUCH a cool setting like, visually and aesthetically and politically

like, i adore details like the sign in the bg that says ‘everyone’s shape serves a purpose.’ really adds to the ‘society on the precipice of civil war currently controlled by an increasingly-desperate faction who are doling out propaganda like crazy in an attempt to maintain their image and control over the populace’ vibe

good ole murder mystery setup. love it!

pre-war prowl is such an interesting character. actually prowl in general is such an interesting character...I kinda wrote him off during my first read of mtmte (and even a little during my second readthru) as just this dude who’s an asshole (espec bc my prev tf experience involved watching tfa as a kid, and this prowl is very different from tfa prowl lol)...but prowl is SUCH a multi-faceted and interesting character, even in the relatively little we see of him in mtmte 

plus it was interesting to learn later that prowl was one of the characters that jro wanted for mtmte and didn't get, and MAN i wish he got prowl bc I would've loved to see what jro would've done w/prowl on the lost light, that would've been amazing. like, just imagine the arc he would have...I have no idea what that arc would BE, but I know it would be awesome. plus I’d be really interested to see how prowl would factor in, relationships-wise, amongst the crew of the lost light. so much potential!

anyways. I'm in a very talky mood tonight it seems. its currently 4 am so that kinda explains it. ok, moving on!

chromedome and prowl bantering....in their own morbid forensic-cop way...

skids bvhjdbsfjasf. speaking what we’re all thinking: is prowl gonna keep showing up in mtmte despite not technically being part of the cast??

swerves drawing of prowl lmaoooo

AND THEN REWIND IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE MTMTE PANELS....fuckgin cracks me up every time god. rewind was rlly about to flip their entire ass table just to demonstrate that prowl is a serial table-flipper...and then he cant even make the table budge and he just stares at his hands like ‘how could you betray me like this’ hvbajkhhsfdhksdf PEAK hilarity

drift hvbshfdjbasdfj his forcibly cheery expression even tho he’s being harassed by rodimus, who is a big whiny toddler w/drift lmao 

rodimus is the type of guy who, upon drift not replying to one of his texts, would post a whole twitter thread being all like ‘these days u cant trust any1 to hav ur back...u think u kno someone and then they just ghost you...(1/14)’

again, rewind, HOW and WHY do you just Have medical reports, oh my god, somebody please call a hipaa agent I’m scared, 

ratchet interrupting the story to give a quick medical PSA....that's Such an on-brand thing for Me to do that I feel like jro is assigning me ratchet kin as I read this

also, hey, its sonic and boom, those two decepticons from delphi! nice little continuity there

AND HERES ORION PAX SUPER COP

can’t believe idw made my dad optimus prime into a cop. smh. shouldn't be that shocked tho, I feel like half the idw characters are cops

orion rlly hit them w/the omae wa mo shinderu arrest strat

orion: I cant believe you're beating this guy up. anyways, now I'm gonna beat YOU up,

when ratchet puts his hand over drifts mouth and then gets spray paint on drifts face bhjdfsvsdjhfgbjdskf

pre-war ratchet and drift ;_; ratchet’s little inspirational speech...the fact that he tells drift that he’s special...the fact that drift remembered all of this even after 4 million+ yrs...it gets me bro it GETS me

ALSO the layers in the fact that drift then goes on to become a well-known murderous decepticon...so this little scene of him and ratchet in the past gives a lot of context to ratchet’s general attitude towards drift - ratchet clearly feels at least somewhat responsible for all the blood on drift’s hands, since he saved drift’s life way back in the day

the whole relinquishment clinic thing is such cool worldbuilding, bc of course that's the kind of thing that would develop in a society of robot aliens who are only allowed to work within the rigid confines of their alt mode 

I love the whole matrix thing bc its kinda like being the pope or st but also you have a ton of political sway, so its a super important position, so of Course the corrupt senate would want full control over that power, and would assassinate the current prime to try to get their own guy in 

god vhbhjsdkbgshjdf rodimus is such a dick lmao poor drift

HHHHH I love that the cybertronian version of an autopsy is taking the dudes body apart into the smallest components and laying them all out. that's so fucking cool

hmmmm chromedome maybe you should Not be interested in mnemology, how about that,

oh god. time to start being sad about op and senator shockwave. oh god

senator shockwave more like senator sexy 

also the first time I read this I thought I had just missed his name and like halfway thru the story I went back and scoured the pages looking for it hbvhsjdfbshgfdsbj then I was like oh ok so we’re maybe supposed to just know who this guy is from another comic? but NOPE it was very deliberate and I only realized very close to the end that they were setting up some sort of reveal

its funny bc normally I'm not a huge fan of stories where politics play a huge role but I fuckgin love it here, the politics and worldbuilding is all so interesting and also balanced out with a healthy dose of cool sci-fi hijinks, so

lmao there's chromedome being obsessed w/people making the ‘pfft’ sound 

also wow yet more hindsight, maybe you Shouldn’t be so interested in the Institute, chromedome, 

OHHHH shit I forgot abt the red alert stuff happening at the same time as this :( :( :( 

AUGHHH what a fucked up situation. god 

oooof i gotta continue now!! what a solid issue, I love the shadowplay arc

#lj rereads mtmte

[pepperpixel]

thoughts and feelings about. my life below the cut. like depression and shit?? u aint gotta read this shit if u dont wanna lol

warning i basically wrote this post like a fuckin diary cuz i wanted to write my thoughts out. so its super jumbled and messy. pls don’t feel like you have to respond, this is just for me to talk lol. vent some stuff. clear the air of my brain.

these past months since graduating high school I basically haven’t taken a moment to think about anything ever. i wake up in the morning i have like. mini waffles and coffee. i watch a couple videos and then draw draw draw for the entirety of the day. i might eat something else. or i might not, i might drink something else, or i might not. and then i lay down and watch more videos until 3-5 am. i then go to sleep. or i don’t. and then i wake up. repeat repeat repeat. every single day. with a few exceptions. of course i’ve gone out a couple times and had fun. but then i go back home. and do the same thing i’ve been doing. for the past months. on autopilot... over and over and over again. i watch the same videos over and over and over again. i draw and then hate everything i make over and over and over again... and i don’t even have the space to be upset about it... because im always doing something to not think about the stuff that bugs me. its just like im a robot on a cycle.and im not even doing the things i need to do. im doing pointless things. im doing the same pointless things over and over, and i have this constant dread in my heart that everything’s gonna come crashing down on me and i just keep ignoring it. and not doing anything about it. until im laying in bed every night and it hits me. but i still keep not doing anything. and my life continues to be nothing. day in and day out.

anyway... i cried today for the first time in a while, and im actually happy about it.... i used to cry all the time. about everything. and i hated it then. but. i like, haven’t given myself the space or time to feel emotions... or feel human.. in what feels like a rlly long time. and i don’t know exactly how but for some reason today i just started thinking. about all the stuff thats changed in my life that i’ve been avoiding thinking about all these months. and i thought about how it made me upset.. i allowed myself to be upset. instead of just brushing it off cuz im “supposed to be stronger now” because i’ve been to therapy and i don’t have panic attacks anymore and thats all that rlly matters right?? all that other stuff that makes me unhappy can just be brushed aside because its manageable. everyone has to deal with bad stuff. why should i be especially upset about it, just move on, just don’t think about it. sure you’re literally eating and drinking barely anything every day and u get an average of 4-2 hours of sleep each night and u barely feel like you’re still alive but that doesn’t mean anything! this is just what life is post graduation! youre fine!!

so. crying kind of. reminded me how it felt to. feel stuff?? like,, it made me feel normal again. like a real person. which im happy about.. i feel like it knocked some sense into me or something.

i used to write down how i felt a lot too. to work thru my feelings and get them out of my head. i haven’t written down or talked with anyone about my feelings in awhile cuz i haven’t thought about my feelings in awhile... but im writing stuff down now cuz it feels like the right thing to do, its what i wanna do. and i still can’t 100% sort thru all of my feelings. there’s still that vague stale miasma.. the dread of the unknown of adulthood. the worry of being a failure, but. im so happy to have taken the time to just feel some of the feelings that i can sort thru. nothing new bad happened. i didn’t have a panic attack. i just cried a bit and got upset over some stuff i’ve been ignoring.. it feels a little like a break through.. and it made me want to feel more.. honestly.. its better then this awful nothing repetition. i’m gonna try to work on being more human from here on out. thats a weird way to put it but i don’t know how else to phrase it? just, taking more time to breathe. to just be alive in the moment. in real life. not on a computer. ((also, i kno thats a thing dumb old ppl say but like.. being obsessively glued to my computer to avoid real life is part of the issue. im not even doing anything of substance im just.. doing jack shit nothing)) i don’t need to do everything right now. sometimes i just need to sit in my own brain and sort stuff out... and then i can really focus more on the stuff i actually need to do. maybe then i can start really feeling in control of my own life. idk.

anyway... tldr i felt emotions,,, it was a mixed bag.. hopeful for future??

#pepper words #this is a real lets explore peppers inner psyche and shit sort of post #nothing new bad happened.. im just sorting thru some of the old #if u feel like reading about my shit then go wild #if u don't thats chill #i just had to write it down for myself