#I think it's just my dissociative disorder to be honest. I don't really have a childhood or a consecutive life experience of any kind and

[corset]

What is the point of "family" by the way. I don't really get it

#I mean good for everyone who does but #Like even after developing a pretty okay relationship with my mother I kind of don't..... #I don't know how to put this without sounding really abrasive #I /like/ her for sure as like. An entity right. Who takes care of me? And she's Fine overall I guess but I just don't think I'm feeling the #right way about what is supposed to be my 'mother'. Right. Like I think other people are doing that differently and feel a way I'm not #capable of feeling. Like I just don't have the capacity to emotionally understand a familial bond in that context?? #I think it's just my dissociative disorder to be honest. I don't really have a childhood or a consecutive life experience of any kind and #I've definitely felt Familial Bond about fictional characters my brain has decided to get into an uncomfortable position relative to on an #emotional level. Iykyk. [Stares off into the middle distance] #But like on a real level I don't really care I guess about a lot of the people around me and I don't understand how to. I had to actively #decide or puzzle out how to 'properly' engage with a lot of things including emotions on a 'human' level. #Like I had to sit there and make the Choice actively to care about people and humanity which I think most people don't have to do #And not in like a 'humanity has disappointed me and I have to get over a misanthropic phase' I mean like. A sort of detached emptiness #overall #Like we definitely had a misanthropic-adjacent phase at some point but #Whatever nobody's going to read this it's a huge wall of rambly text #Little present for anyone who does: 𓃠

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Don't Speak 31

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, stalking, manipulation, reclusive behaviour, disordered eating, dissociation, allusions to abuse, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Reader is a reclusive loner who ventures down to the library on a simple mission. Her task is complicated by the man she meets there. (f!short!reader)

Character: librarian!Andy Barber

Note: Is it Monday already?

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

You sit in the waiting room, anxious and squirmy as Andy keeps his hand on yours. When you start to fidget, he squeezes and you stop. He doesn't tell you to but you can sense his agitation. It only adds to your own impatience.

When Dr. Kemp emerges to call you in, you have to keep yourself from jumping up. You're caught in the urge to both run away and run towards him. With all the thoughts you've had about him, especially while exploring, you're set alight just at the sight of him.

Andy accompanies you in. You almost forgot he would be there too. You near Kemp with a smile and he watches you with placid blue eyes. His coolness makes you self-conscious. The one thing you can never tell him is how he makes you feel.

He welcomes you in as usual. Before you can claim the chair you often sit in, Andy nudges you towards the chaise long. You hesitate but redirect, sitting with him on the dimpled leather.

Dr. Kemp shuts the door and crosses the office, sitting in the other chair as he leans an arm against the side. He gives a thoughtful hum as he considers both of you. Andy reaches to put his hand over yours, once more tightening his grip.

"So… how are things? Are we seeing progress?" Kemp asks brightly. "I'm sensing… improvement."

You just nod as Andy clears his throat and shifts. "I think… I think so," his fingers twiddle on his other thigh, "we have been… intimate. Somewhat, right, honey?"

You shy away and give another nod. Humiliated.

"In what way?" Kemp prompts.

You nearly choke and look at him with round eyes.

"This is a safe space, so we can be honest," he coaxes as he notes your shock, "have you both… tend to each other?"

Andy sighs and his fingers curl around yours. You wince.

"Yeah, but… she… she drank a bit too much so… she doesn't remember…" Andy huffs, "so… I tried."

"I'm sorry," you squeak, "I didn't mean to."

"Hm, and is there a reason you were drinking?" Kemp asks you.

"Well, uh, no. Andy gave me a beer, so– I don't really–"

"So you gave her a drink and are mad that it affected her?" He challenges Andy and you flinch again. 

"She's an adult–"

"All and well but you can't get upset. What can you expect?" Kemp reprimands and Andy tenses, grumbling under his breath. 

"So," Kemp redirects back to you, "you have… shown Andy that you're committed? Spoken in his love language, but has he done the same for you?"

You struggle not to rip your hand out of Andy's. You don't know what to say. You don't know what you want, especially from Andy. 

"I… guess. I don't know?" You sputter, "he… he's nice. He…"

"I buy her things, I do stuff for her all the time–" Andy interjects.

"Please," Kemp silences him with a wave of his hand, "Andy is obviously an affectionate person, but what do you need?"

You gulp and shrug. You really don't know. You just open and close your mouth like a fish.

"Here's what we do. Andy, you cool it. The next time you do anything, I want her to initiate. And I don't want you," he points at you, "to do what he wants. You figure out what you need and that's what you do, understand?"

You swallow, lightheaded. You know what he means but you don't want to think about it. What if what you want isn't Andy?

"The next time we check in, I think I should do another housecall…" Kemp says, "and after this, we'll have our usual one-on-one. For now, I want to do a few exercises between you two…"

You blink rapidly. There's so much to do. That was always the worst feeling, knowing you had an insurmountable list ahead of you. Steps, that's what the doctor always says, little steps.

🕊️

Andy leaves and your private session begins. You’re nervous, still scalded from the conversation about intimacy. You fidget as you tuck yourself into the corner of the couch, trying to shrink down as much as you can.

Dr. Kemp stands and walks casually to the window. He doesn’t say anything right away. You wilt in the silence, wondering if you should start. How do you do that though? What do you say?

Your head races with the messages on your tablet. It’s so much easier to talk to him through a screen. Face-to-face, you’re embarrassed at everything you’ve shared with him under the deceitful protection of distance.

He turns to face you, smiling as he leans on the window ledge. He crosses his arms and you see how his chest flexes under his shirt. You try not to focus on that, bringing your eyes back to your twiddling fingers.

“Let’s focus on you,” he puts one foot in front of the other, uncrossing his arms to fix his left cuff. “You’ve been… exploring.”

You chew your lip. Oh gosh. Why did you ever let him convince you to do that? And why had you done it every day since? 

“Now, don’t be shy. You know I won’t judge you. I wouldn’t encourage it if it was bad,” he comes forward slowly and sits at the other end of the couch, “can I ask you something?”

You nod, staring at your lap. You lean into the armrest, slouching as heat nips at your cheeks. You feel terribly dizzy. Even if he’s not that close, he’s crowding you.

“Why are you so… let me restart that. What has made you so… reticent about your sexuality?” He asks.

You shake your head. You can’t speak. It’s not a question you can answer. You don’t know what makes you want to melt into a puddle.

“You never… never tried anything before? Never been curious?” He prompts.

You swallow and hunch forward, speaking to the carpet, “a little.” You clasp your hands tight, forcing them still, “but… it hurt. So I stopped and… just forgot about it.”

“The other day. Did it still hurt you?”

You shake your head again. 

“That’s good,” he praises and the couch jostles as he moves closer. He keeps some space between you as he reaches to touch your shoulder, “it’s not shameful. You’re just getting to know yourself. You’re taking care of yourself, sweetie. And That’s a good thing.”

“Mhmm,” you hum with a nod, his touch electrifying.

“So you can take what you learn about yourself and show Andy. Share it with him,” he suggests.

You’re quiet. You shrug off his hand and look away. You can’t tell him the truth. About why you enjoyed it so much. You don’t really understand it yourself. It’s probably doesn’t mean anything.

“Doctor,” you push your chin back down and sense him lean in, listening to you intently. “What… what if when I… did it, I wasn’t thinking of Andy?”

He takes a breath and lets his hand rest on the cushion between you. He leans an elbow on his thigh as his gaze sears into you. His fingers tap as he thinks.

“Nothing wrong with that. It’s not uncommon to have fantasies. They’re only that, they’re not real. So who are you hurting?” He drags his hand back and shrugs, “does that make sense?”

Your lips part and you make yourself sit up. You feel lighter. Yeah, you suppose it can’t hurt Andy if he doesn’t know who you think of. Or Steve.

“I guess,” you agree.

“Great,” he sits back, “so who did you think of?”

You look at him in shock. He chuckles at your expression and waves you off. You frown, heart pumping wildly.

“You don’t have to say,” he reaches over to lightly tap your knee, “I was just being nosy.”

“Oh,” you pick at your fingernail.

“Being funny,” he says, “let’s redirect. Anything new this week? New books? How’s the painting going?”

You peek at him, biting your cheek. He looks at you like you’re the only person in the world. That’s crazy, you’re the only person in this room. He has nothing else to distract him. You’re being silly. You love Andy, not Dr. Kemp.

🕊️

You yawn at the canvas as you focus on the details of the feathers. Your work is coming together. You might be done soon. You’re at that point where you just don’t want to stop because you can see the end.

Andy doesn’t feel the same. The last time he checked in on you, he clucked at your response. It’s Saturday night, he reminds you. Yes, well, doesn’t that mean you can stay up late?

You can hear him inside the house as he grabs another beer. He had one for dinner and after as you excused yourself to paint. Is that his third? Fourth? You don’t know. Maybe you shouldn’t count.

Your eyes are itchy and you long to close them and let the tension out of your shoulder. That’s another thing that keeps you at the easel. As much as you long for bed, you’re nervous about sleeping in Andy’s bed. After the day’s therapy session, you feel like you have to do something. Something you’re not ready for.

You rinse your brush and step back. You go to your tablet to check your reference image, accidentally swiping over to a different draft. It’s a sketch you did the other day, only half-finished. It’s Amber, or supposed to be.

Your heart sinks. You remember slamming the cover on the tablet after realising you couldn’t remember exactly how she looked. You remember her smell, her voice, her warmth, but you just couldn’t get the slant of her nose right, you couldn’t make her eyes sparkle just so.

You quickly push the image away, looking for the falcon crest, but your motivation quickly dies. You don’t want to paint anymore. Neither do you want to go inside. Even if it is awfully chilly out here.

The TV blares from inside the house. You can hear it even through several walls. You wonder if you’re making too much noise or if it’s something else. 

You tap on the screen listlessly, realising too late that you’re staring at the chat with Dr. Kemp. It’s too late to message him. You’ll wait until tomorrow. Yeah, you can’t bother him this late.

By some eerie coincidence, a new message pops up before you can close the chat. You wipe your hand on your stained tee shirt as you read it. ‘Have a good night, sweetie. You did very well today’.

You go over the letters over and over again. You smile to yourself but quickly wipe it away. He’s only being nice.

‘Thank you. Have a good night.’

You send the message and leave the tablet on the small table. You start cleaning up, taking your time as you dread the other side of the wall. Andy won’t be happy you waited so long, but he might be too tired to be angry with you.

You grab your tablet and pause, reading the unexpected new message; ‘you going to bed?’

You bite your thumb. What should you say? Well, you should be honest, right?

‘Soon. Hope I can sleep.’ You tap the arrow and sway, looking up at the garage door. You really should just say good night and go inside.

‘What’s keeping you awake?’

Oh, gosh. End it. Stop talking. There was enough of that earlier. You’re typing before you can stop yourself.

‘Amber.’

That’s it. The only word you can manage. Off goes the bubble and almost immediately those three dots appear on his side of the chat. Then they disappear.

The chirp from your tablet surprises you. You nearly drop it but smack the screen instead, inadvertently answering the call. Oh no! He must’ve hit the wrong button.

You see Dr. Kemp on the screen and in the corner, your own face looks back. You sputter as you notice his bare shoulders, distracted from hating your reflection. You gasp.

“Oops,” you utter with a nervous chuckle.

“You’re thinking of Amber?” He asks without a beat.

“Um, yeah, but– Dr. Kemp, it’s late. We can talk next week. I’m sorry.”

“I called for a reason. I’m not Dr. Kemp right now, I’m Steve. Your friend,” he stares at you, smiling as you notice the odd angle. 

He must be sitting down, maybe he was getting ready for bed, that would explain his lack of shirt. You can’t even see that much, just the top of his chest. Don’t think about it. Maybe he doesn’t even realise.

“My friend?”

“Of course,” he coaxes, “so tell me, what are you thinking about Amber?”

You shrug and look away with a pout. You don’t know if you should say. You should’ve mentioned it earlier. You’re wasting his time.

“Aw, you miss her, sweetie? That’s normal. She’s your sister.”

You turn back to the tablet. You can’t help the tremble in your chin. You miss her, yes, but more than that. There’s not a word that can express how deeply you feel in that moment. You love Amber so much but you’re ashamed of how you used her for so long. Then you abandoned her.

“Did you decide if you want to invite her to Thanksgiving? I think that’s a great idea,” he says.

“Oh, uh… Andy wouldn't… I don’t know,” you mumble and turn, glancing at the door, suddenly paranoid he might hear you. “I should… it’s very late. I should go to bed.”

He nods. His hair is slightly askew, it’s usually so neat and tidy. He has a bit of stubble poking through along his jaw. He looks more handsome than you’ve ever seen him. You can barely think.

“Alright, I won’t keep you. You need a good night’s sleep, right? Because you have to take care of yourself, right?”

“Yes, doctor.”

“Steve,” he corrects.

You giggle, “yes, Steve.”

“Okay, go on,” he shifts the tablet, “chat tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” you promise, “good night.”

“Night,” he winks.

The call ends and you stare at the screen. Your chest flutters as you make yourself close the cover. You feel bubbly like you could float. And something else. Something that needs to be quelled. A deep need that has your fingers tingle for that familiar buzz.

#andy barber #dark andy barber #dark!andy barber #andy barber x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #series #au #librarian au #don't speak #defending jacob #steve kemp #fresh

[serialunaliver]

yo hey hi i like hearing ur thoughts, they’re an interesting perspective. anyways i’m coming to u today because i genuinely have no idea who else to ask 😭😭😭 no need to reply either, i’ll work it out eventually but you seem more experienced and maybe you might know something about this?? anyways for a whole decade or so i thought (the symptoms of) psychosis were a normal thing that everyone experienced, and then i was a bit too honest with my mother and found out that no, it wasn’t, apparently? she wants me to talk to a psychiatrist and try to see if i can get on meds for that, but i’m not sure i should. like, generally i guess it interrupts my life, but it’s not THAT big of a deal to me?? like the memory issues that come with it really suck and does tend to affect a lot of my life, and it sucks not really being able to trust the memories i do have, but the other stuff i think i can handle just fine. like the hallucinations usually only affect me for a little and then i can focus (although sometimes they appear while driving which is frightening, but still, it’s brief and i doubt i’d crash). anyways i’m troubled about this because i hear that antipsychotic medication tends to have especially negative side effects. like i’m willing to take them if they can definitely fix my memory problems but it sounds like it’s just not worth it?? especially weighing the pros and cons, im just not sure i should do it. idk,, what do you think? or is there a third option here. maybe i should just look into a lobotomy

i'm not sure exactly what all your symptoms are but there are different psychotic disorders and some can be more manageable than others depending on the severity of the psychosis. mine is based more in a 'delusional' thought process. therapists believe I hallucinate but I think it's just a combination of dissociation and hyperphantasia (vivid mental imagery).

driving is an issue for some psychotic people because of distracting hallucinations and it can still be dangerous so you should probably talk to a doctor and see what your options are.

knowing beforehand that side effects of antipsychotics can be negative helps because you can ease into things but I want to clarify that most people on antipsychotics do not end up with the level of neurological damage I have. this was a result of being severely overmedicated on them as a minor and it would not have happened if I had autonomy in treatment and knew what to expect. there are plenty of people who stay on *normal* doses of antipsychotics and are fine with it. it really depends on whether you have a better quality of life on or off them. i'm lucky that my family can support me but they still would prefer I be on antipsychotics.

good luck and don't be afraid to advocate for yourself <3

[weaselweaselw]

Deltarune: Why Gaster has a Split Personality

Holy shit... so, in case you're living under a rock, the Deltarune Winter Newsletter came out last night, and its release sent ripples throughout the entire UT/DR fandom.

Included in the Newsletter is a development update which states that Chapter 3 is pretty much complete.

The only aspect of the chapter still being worked on is the localization process from English to Japanese – the entire team is now working on Chapter 4. So that's nice - they even have an internal deadline for the actual game, so we can expect a release within the next year and a half.

However, the main selling point of this entire newsletter was the fact that it's themed around Valentine's Day. And as a result, there were a lot of Valentine's Day letters sent from the various Undertale and Deltarune characters. Here's one from Undyne:

Here's a list of all the letters. Some are short, some are more comical - but many of them reveal interesting things about these characters.

Especially one character in particular...

That's right! Even Gaster has a letter of his own! In fact, it's the rarest letter of them all that to my knowledge, only one person received, until minutes later, the letter itself was erased from Fangamer's website. However, the letter was archived in the nick of time.

Wow, so that was a lot, right? There's quite a bit to analyze here, from Gaster needing help, to him forgetting someone - and it certainly added fuel to the fire that is the deltarune theory community.

However, there's one particular debate taking place all over the internet right now, for you see... some people don't think that letter was sent by Gaster. For one, the tone of this letter doesn't match his usual scientific, detached, and robotic demeanor he's usually associated with. He appears much more down-to-earth, speaking in a much more formal way than he usually does. And for many in the fandom at the moment, that is enough ground to say this character isn't Gaster.

Despite how utterly insane and ridiculous this might sound to you, these people do bring up good points. And of course... these people also use the Japanese translation as evidence. In the Japanese version of Undertale and Deltarune, Gaster speaks in Katakana and Kanji, two rather complex and sophisticated alphabets, but in this letter, Gaster speaks in Hirigana - a more casual, laid-back, and simplistic alphabet, reflecting his demeanor.

So, what gives? Is this a different Gaster? Are there two Gasters at work here, who may or may not be at odds with one another? Is there going to be a Gaster War?

No. People seem to be forgetting something: Gaster was shattered across time and space, as revealed by Undertale.

This isn't just some figurative jargon - one of the Gaster Followers quite literally holds a piece of Gaster in his hand. I know this is often overlooked, but what do you think the psychological effects of this could be?

It would likely be an extremely traumatic experience, if I'm going to be honest - as parts of your mind and body become fragmented across the entire universe and across time itself. So: it's quite possible that Gaster simply has... a split personality.

There aren't two Gasters or anything ridiculous like that, but rather, the one Gaster we know has his mind scattered across the universe, quite literally fragmented - such that different aspects of his personality present themselves at different times. In fact, such a condition exists in the real world: it's called Dissociative Identity Disorder, and it is most often associated with trauma resulting in the compartmentalization of the mind into multiple personality states, otherwise known as alters.

These are not separate people - think of it like turning a light switch on and off, or closing a door. And this is my solution to this debate that has begun about Gaster - I like to think of it as a compromise, but Gaster having a split personality like this can really spice up the story a bit - and could even solve some of the lingering mysteries about what happened to the secret bosses, but as of now, this only exists as theory tape.

Thanks for tuning into my rant.

#deltarune #undertale #gaster #utdr

[deargravity]

Akashi for 1, 3, 8, 12, 15, 18, 19, 21 for the character ask game please!

why would you give me the hardest one ever. do you hate me. be honest.

from this

why do you like or dislike this character?

okay, more importantly, why wouldn't i like him. i just think what i want to say has already been said so now i have no idea how to answer this. uh, i think liking akashi came as a pretty big surprise for me though in retrospect i shouldn't have been surprised - he's intelligent and tortured, and i love that combination in a character. like oh, you possess precognition and competence to predict / secure future outcomes but even then, no amount of striving will ever free you from your own fate? you've been running your whole life without knowing what from and where to because you've known no other option? you're revered by your peers and you want to care for them but your own needs disgust you so you'll never be able to expect reciprocity for all your love because you feel ashamed by your own wanting? you've lost touch with what it means to be a person because you've been forced to be a prodigy your whole life? you choke on your words because you've never taken a real breath and don't know how to be vulnerable in a way that doesn't defy the ideals you've grown up with? wonderful, i'm keeping you. also i think i just picked him up like a wet cat and decided to never let him go.

i don't know if it was intended but i think it'd be funnier that akashi is the closest i've come to finding an osdd experience that really aligns with my own. (i say closest because we have different types of osdd) i guess he was first a tool for my own self-assessment before i came to genuinely care for him the way i do now. it's so embarrassing to say but he was kind of a talisman i clung to if and when i dissociated. made the experience a little less painful and alienating. anyways that is my beloved cat.

3. least favourite canon thing about this character?

erm, i think i speak for everyone when i say the scissors scene was really unnecessary. but i've never made a point of appreciating the writing in knb so this is unsurprising. like you can't give him the symptoms of already highly stigmatised disorders (osdd, npd) and then write him doing something like that. but it's a can of worms i really don't want to open. either ways, i have mixed feelings about the scene because on one hand, it could have been an excellent opening to discuss how life experiences can be so debilitating and mental illnesses / disorders have the capacity to damage world views and perceptions of morality. (everyone wants to be pro mental health until the disorders in question result in behaviours that defy conventional morality and disrupt the social order.) but this is a sports animanga so i really think the scene shouldn't have been there AT ALL because this is too big a discussion to be covered in a basketball manga. the mangaka bit off more than he could chew with this one, tbh, but trust me if i'd written knb i would have done this better.

he is just a kid, he should have been having sleepovers with his friends and eating ice cream after games to celebrate with his team. i will never hold it against him either because if kuroko "violence isn't the answer" tetsuya and the others didn't report him, they are all culpable. if the social order and morality of a situation is that important to someone and they refuse to stand up for it when it matters, they are equally to blame when things fall apart without consequence. but what do i know lol.

8. what's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

okay, i'll be honest i don't mingle in fandom spaces because i've realised that it genuinely affects me when my faves are mischaracterised or perceived differently from the way i do. i just stay out of fandom spaces and i'm not very active in interacting with other people unless we've been mutuals for a while and i trust their judgement. so i wouldn't know. i just know if anyone did anything with akashi that i despise i would delete my social media and disappear into a cave. and i'm being serious i don't think my ego could survive this.

but well, i don't like people calling him psychotic / psychopathic or writing him to fit their yandere fantasies (i have unfortunately stumbled upon too many of those things in the tags). he is just a kid, he was going through a tough time managing grief and abandonment and impossible standards. leave him alone. LEAVE HIM ALONE. ugh. i usually scroll, mute, or block (or all three), but this has happened with so many of my faves already and the way people perceive these traits also directly affects the way they treat others in real life who exhibit these traits and it's very often that malicious intent is directed to those who are simply a product of their circumstances rather than the system that created these issues / the responsible figures in their life that failed them. but that's too meta. whatever. you get my point.

12. what's a headcanon you have for this character?

i feel like i'm really alone in this and it's not a specific headcanon but i think akashi is clumsy and kind of messy by nature, he's just working full-time to make sure he's achieved the image of perfection everyone assumes of him. sure he's a basketball prodigy and trained equestrian and he's athletic etc. etc. but i think he can be awkward and messy at times. i just desperately don't want him to be perfect outside of those two things. i desperately want him to be a little awkward and messy.

he doesn't know how to eat stick ice cream because it drips everywhere and makes him nervous. his teeth hurt when he drinks / eats anything cold. when he's wearing full-sleeves he somehow always manages to stain his cuffs even when it doesn't seem humanly possible, but he's gotten good at being able to remove them. he has to rehearse an entire conversation in his head before he actually engages someone, but he's taken speech and elocution classes (courtesy of his dad) so it compensates for when he trips up to make it look natural and smooth. he's just always trying, trying, trying. and maybe for once he wants someone to call him out on all this effort and tell him, hey it's okay to screw up something or the other. but of course he never asks.

also he cries when he gets frustrated but never in front of other people. he spends a lot of energy on regulating himself when he has to be present for others so he doesn't process anything until he's on his own and it all hits him at once. and it can be the smallest of things. bus came late on a rainy day? he's in the back seat, holding back tears all the way to his destination. he raised his hand but he answered a question wrong in class? his face is burning and he has to excuse himself to the washroom to breathe or cry or both. he got 99 on a test? he cries because he's sick of feeling relief over accomplishments that should be bringing him joy. just like a few tears. i don't think he's every full-on bawled about anything. maybe one day he'll have the opportunity to do so without feeling ashamed of himself. praying for that

15. what's your favourite ship for this character?

i don't really think about ships that much unless it's in queerplatonic way, which then begs me to answer that i like every akashi ship where he's loved and treated as someone worth caring for rather than a symptom that needs to be managed.

i was a huge akakise fan for a while simply because they both have similar problems. hear me out on this. kise and akashi both struck me as people desperate for connection but kise has been made to doubt the realness of his connections (because of how deceiving and opportunistic people have been in trying to be his friend for status) and akashi has grown up believing he doesn't deserve any kind of connection unless he's fought and earned it (because he's only ever gotten praised by his dad, without ever believing he's loved). i think they'd make a nice pair, romantically or platonically or otherwise. i love akakise, and i will die on this hill and go down with this ship or whatever the kids these days say.

18. how about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

anything with rakuzan. do i have to elaborate. i love them so bad. i can't even talk about it. whatever akashi shares with the rest of rakuzan is so sacred and important to the community.

19. how about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

errrrrrrrrr... i don't know. i don't spend a lot of time thinking about things that i don't like.

maybe anything during teiko era with akashi and the rest of the team but it's not that i dislike it. i just think it is unfortunate that whether or not akashi had known they had faith in him, it wouldn't have exempted him from feeling abandoned. it was a very sad time for all of them, so i dislike everything about it.

21. if you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favourite thing to do when you're writing for this character? what's something you don't like?

i haven't written much for akashi tbh, or i haven't written as much as i'd like to but i have written exactly (1) character study fic for him and my favourite part was trying to bare his inner world to the readers through excessive use of metaphors. i love introspection a lot and i think it works well to reveal that akashi is just scared and vulnerable but overcompensating for that by affecting an air of neatness and certainty. i love that stuff. i would also love to explore his shame a lot more - i think shame is a constant companion for him, because he's ashamed of his own failings, he's ashamed of his own needs and he's ashamed of his own personhood, and i think he's also ashamed of the way he's turned out to be because of his dad, he may even be ashamed of his dad and his family name, and then he might be ashamed of feeling ashamed. i think if i ever write him again the cycle of shame will take the front lines. so we will see

if you've made it this far, thank you for reading. i hope you liked watching me be crazy.

#thank you so much for asking #i needed an excuse to talk about him #anyone else feel free to ask more about literally any character #cant promise a detailed answer like this though #knb #kuroko no basket #akashi seijuro

[switchcase]

Hey! No need to answer this, I'm not sure how you feel about discussing books like this on your blog. Otherwise, if you're willing I was wondering how you felt about Alison Miller's writings? You gave a very good perspective on van der Kolk, so that's why I ask!

Prefacing this with a very big warning not to read any books about RA unless you are in therapy AND your therapist has read the book you want to read AND your therapist thinks you reading it is a good idea.

I don't mind talking about books, though I will say I do not give book recommendations for this topic publicly. I am also going to assume you meant the book she wrote for survivors. As an aside, I have both not read this in a while and don't remember certain sections of it. ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

Probably the biggest criticisms are that there is some misattributions for abusers and the belief she seems to have in psychic abilities being a real thing (unsure if this was just to not contest survivor beliefs or maybe I even just interpreted it weirdly at the time). She probably includes survivor stories in this but to be honest those are typically the chunks I do not remember for books on this topic.

Some of what is in this book is outdated and/or no longer considered best practice, which is not necessarily a reflection on her, because the book was published during a time when those were the best practices or the information was up to date. Eg, Miller posits in the book that if you have a dissociative disorder, your trauma likely began in infancy/toddler age. As opposed to the more modern and more expanded age range.

Some of what she writes about are things that I have not personally encountered in my research except in her books. Which is not to say that they aren't true, but a good rule of thumb with these topics is to withhold both belief and disbelief on what you read until and unless you have seen multiple sources all describing the same thing.

I will be very lenient with her on how vague she is about certain topics because it is very difficult to write a book on this subject that isn't massively destabilizing. And also, that her audience was intended to be a very niche group of people. At the time this was written, you basically only ran across resources like this if you were suggested it by your therapist, if you were friends with enough other survivors (aka probably in group therapy or residential) who recommended it to you, or you were digging so deep that you already found a bunch of other resources. I found Miller's book like 5+ layers deep into a therapist site that linked to a survivor support group which linked to another survivor support group that linked to a therapist's website that had a subcategory for RA resources. Meaning that while Miller does word things in very vague ways that now could be criticized as being...a bit too blanket statement-ish and perhaps a bit paranoia inducing, it was not written with the contingency that your average guy could randomly stumble into it. I do still think she was too vague, but I can also see her trying to reality check people throughout the book.

All that said, Miller is one of only a very small group of authors who has written something explicitly for survivors to read. It is probably one of the less triggering books on the subject if only for the detached way she talks about it. And is simultaneously one of the very few books focused on recovering afterward as opposed to simply talking about the how's and why's of the abuse type. Also, I really appreciated this list in the book that was like "positive qualities of survivors" or something similar. "Kindness despite...; Humanity despite...;" lives rent free in my head forever.

Also, I do know that Miller pissed off some groups so she must have done something right. 🤷 She and several of her clients were harassed incessantly for years, even after her retirement.

IIRC @felis-the-complex-multiple has recently been reading this book but idk if Felis is close to done or has thoughts on it.

#also if I remember right a lot of this book is rhetorical questions #ask #anonymous #ramcoa

[kafus]

what's your personal story with lumineon? i'm really happy to see empoleon, cradily, and fidough here since they're some of my own favorites! - 🦢

ogh ty for asking, i forget if i've shared this before but even if i have i'm doing it again LOL

even though FRLG was my first pokemon game, for a variety of reasons, i consider sinnoh/gen 4 to be my true childhood pokemon games. despite this, my childhood memory is extremely spotty (i am almost 24 years old + i have a severe dissociative disorder, i don't remember shit ever LOL) and so my memories of actually playing gen 4 are very few and far between. but lumineon is involved in two of the ones i still manage to hold onto

in pokemon diamond, i actually completed the natdex as a child, which was an arduous process that took me a Really long time, i don't know how long. i unfortunately no longer have this save file. gen 4 was obviously the dawn of wifi features and i always wanted to complete my dex in FRLG but i couldn't because i didn't have the hardware/games to trade with myself and i didn't have friends (in fact i was bullied pretty severely for liking pokemon, i had to change schools) so when i could use the GTS and trade with people online i got VERY excited about dex completion, and just like, interacting with people. i managed the task with a mix of breeding eevees and evolving them into eeveelutions as trading chips on the GTS and using my mom's yahoo account without her permission to ask for trades from people on fucking Yahoo Answers lol (sorry mom SDJKSD)

i don't actually remember doing most of this, i was just able to put it back together with context clues from my pearl file that survived and things i am just vaguely aware happened but don't actually have Sensory Memory of. BUT what i do remember is that one night i realized i was finally almost done and somehow the finneon line is the one line of pokemon i never got. they were the Final Dex Entries i needed. i did everything in a really weird order and wasn't prioritizing the sinnoh regional dex lol

so i went and caught a finneon and grinded it to evolve it into lumineon. i think the reason i remember this is because i was so close to being done, i was way more impatient with grinding than usual, and then just like. the sheer pride and relief i felt when that finneon evolved and then scrolling through the complete dex list is like nothing i had ever felt before gonna be honest. high point of my childhood

even back then i formed an attachment to lumineon in this moment and i used that lumineon for other stuff in sinnoh. i don't remember how i found this out, but one of the first competitive doubles strategies i ever learned was that thunder always hits in rain, and i knew that my lumineon had rain dance through level-up and i had a luxray with thunder, and i was Obsessed with pokemon battle revolution, so i have a brief memory of spamming thunder with my luxray after setting up the rain with lumineon and being really proud of myself for that (even though there's way more optimal ways to do this that i'm aware of now LOL, cut me some slack i was 8 years old)

this is a really long explanation cause i wanted to really emphasize WHY this meant so much to me as a kid but tldr lumineon was the last remaining pokemon left for me to get the dex entry for in sinnoh as a kid and it was a culmination of a lot of months of work and then i went on to use that lumineon in battles and yeah shoutout to lumineon

#kiki was here #asks #swan anon #anonymous

[waitingforthesunrise]

Ari Dances: Part Two

an everyone-is-welcome online plus-size dancing diary. feel free to reblog :) triggers include non-graphic mention of sh, disordered eating mention, open discussion of having a body in a world, beauty standards, etc.

part one was....last month? the month before? I'm not exactly sure.

an embarrassingly long time.

but not embarrassing, because I'm working on actively reminding myself I do not need to be embarrassed by 'brain things' - like depression, like OCD, like the desire to eat an entire bag of chocolate chips on the kitchen floor while listening to boygenius instead of -- don't even say the word -- dance.

because sometimes the things we truly love take work. they take care. and worst of all -- they make us feel alive.

it's an interesting paradox, isn't it? we try to stuff our pain down a little box and numb out, while simultaneously being in active pain. it's just called denial, I think. but being aware that you're in denial. while being. in denial. yeah.

i was going to have to forgive myself knowing I'd mess up again. i was going to have to come to terms with a self-harm relapse. i was going to have to feel uncomfortably alive.

I'll be honest: it sucked. like, really bad.

i just finished my first contemporary dance class in i'm-not-sure-how-many-weeks. i didn't even get through the hour long class; I made it thirty minutes and then sobbed for another thirty.

first of all, I watched the instructor and immediately went hell nah. I can't just do that; you don't understand. I'm a plus-size lifting girlie!! (read: was. we're working on it). I know about braving stares at the gym!! I know about strength and lifting heavy things. I LIVE IN MY BODY. i can DO THAT.

but moving and rolling on the floor with reckless abandon? umm.

no thanks.

maybe it's because suddenly the goal is not to feel weightless. it's to embrace it. it's to be a body, in a world; a heart, in a body; an energetic center in a universe. my instructor talks about feeling your space (but i struggle to give myself space). she talks about feeling every part of your body really live (but I had actively avoided doing that).

and so i rolled on the floor and cried and it was messy and hurt and there was one shining breathless moment when I was doing it, I could feel my entire body light up with the joy of spinning to music.

and then I panicked and dissociated for the rest of the class.

but that's okay! i'm learning! i can try again! i will probably fail! and that's okay too. it's part of learning.

one of the women I babysit for is a massage therapist. I was asking her about the effects of sh on specifically our muscle tissue and fascia. she explained to me that every second of every day our bodies are saying I love you, I love you, I love. they go on loving us after we hurt them. they go on loving us as we try to forget them. they go on caring, working, loving.

i thought i could love easily. i thought i could love with reckless abandon. and i can, i can, but dance is forcing me to pause. slow down. fall on the floor (sometimes on purpose) (sometimes not). look at my body and whisper hey. i love you too.

thank you, friend.

#ari dances #plus size dancing #body postivity #loving my body #tw sh implied #tw disordered eating

[kaddyssammlung]

BPD / C-PTSD / bad relationship dynamics in Sleep Token lyrics - Part 4 (last part)

TW: mental health stuff

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Granite

“Sulfur on your breath Granite in my chest”

I said something about sharing unhealthy coping mechanisms with your partner. It's not good. Alcohol on my breath and the smell of weed on his.

“You won't ever have to talk about it you'll never wanna talk about it”

It makes me think about trust and how much I'm able to really trust someone. What clues does someone give you that makes you trust them?

Last summer when that women started writing me messages because she wanted to get to know me, I thought about how much I should tell her. She wanted to know why I've single for such a long time. So I started my saying that I've struggled with addiction for a long time and that it was really hard to stop this. She said that she liked that I was honest. Well.....we talked more and then at some point I said that I have BPD and that I'm currently going through a rough time and that I feel unable to be in relationship. Right human being but the wrong time? Maybe?! She also opened up about her struggles with panic attacks.

Was it too much? Did I tell her too much?

I feel like when someone has a romantic interest in someone they deserve to know. Right?!

I used to not bring that stuff up and just go on dates and be nice and then end up sleeping with someone. That did not go well either.

Idk....I have no real point...

“Fury too damn late”

Now I'm angry about the relationship that I had with my boyfriend. About the manipulation and the things that he made me do but never wanted. And also the way that I acted. His behaviours were not okay but neither were mine.

“You say you want me, but you know I'm not what you need”

When I think back about the time where I had that boyfriend, he was for sure, not what I needed. I needed help. But I was not ready for it.

“We'd rather be six feet under then be lonely”

That's the reason why I kept ending up with horrible human beings. Because I used to feel exactly like that.

Vessel, I feel you. You deserve better then that and so do I.

I could just say so much about this one line. This is the essence of BPD to me.

But I already said so much...

“before you started getting all aggressive and controlling”

I know. Okay...stop calling me out like that!

Aqua Regia

“Putting down the roses picking up the sword”

It took me so damn long to find a will to live and also to find a willingness to change. You don't get better unless you really, really, really want to and even then it's hard. It was very hard for me.

Vore

“You have become the voice in my head”

All of them are the voice in my head.

My mother screaming at me and throwing things at me.....the gentle brainwashing that was done by the one who sa-ed me.....the eating disorder that still wants me to come back, the warm feeling that alcohol gave me, the stinging pain from SH.....Let's stop this...I'm drifting off....

“My life is torn my bones they bleed”

Through a fractured existence...

Abuse leaves you feeling like this. But so does dissociation......

Ascensionism

“Who made you like this? Who encrypted your dark gospel in body language?”

Idk...they say BPD has something to do with early abandonment so maybe that's the reason?

“Tell me you guessed my future and it mapped onto your fantasy”

That happened with my ex-girlfriend. I was already feeling a bit better and getter better and I could totally see what our relationship would be like.

It did not go well. I was wrong. I learned from it.

Are You Really Okay?

“I cannot fix our wounds this time”

Can you ever?!

Should you be with someone and be there to fix their wounds? I don't expect this anymore. I used to think like that but it did not work out well. I had to “fix” myself first.

The Apparition

“But I know you will disappear”

You make me wish I could disappear...

Vessel...they all do at some point but I guess that's life?!

Why even put yourself out there? Why put myself out there and get hurt again?

Do You Wish That You Loved Me?

“maybe not that you conceal your feelings they just don't exist”

You don't really love...you just hate to be alone!

“chronic feelings of emptiness” ….taken from the DSM 5....

Rain

“I finally think I can say that the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me”

A knowing, a longing, a lost connection to something deeper. Something outside of me....

I recognized that when I started listening to spiritual teachers and slowly let something back into my life.

“A dangerous disposition”

We tend to end up in prison. I can see why that is...that rage...dear God.

My dear humans...I'm going to stop here for now.

Idk when I will pick this back up.

I do see so much more in those lyrics.

“The divine” as he calls it or spirituality as I like to call it, the similarities between Carl Jung's encounters with entities and what it did to him....a lot like Vessel.....depression is also a big topic....

But right now: I'm done.

That was exhausting. BPD got me...I did not see that coming.

#sleep token #sleep token worship #sleep token lyrics #bpd problems #bpd recovery #actually borderline #actually cptsd

[sophieinwonderland]

If someone intentionally becoming plural makes you uncomfortable because you think being a system is inherently less healthy than being a singlet, then it logically follows that a system who achieves healthy multiplicity is less healthy than one who achieves final fusion.

to be dead honest? the way some sysmeds speak it SOUNDS like that. that's probably why im so uncomfortable with the anti-endo rhetoric even though we're probably at most mixed origins if not entirely traumagenic. you'd look at me, at us, enjoying being a system, and call us delusional? call me an endo (in a fakeclaiming tone) just because i don't police others identities? like... no! no thanks!

So much this!

It's really terrible how so much of anti rhetoric just reinforces the stigma around multiplicity and having positive experiences with your system.

And I think that we need to acknowledge at this point that Dissociative Identity Disorder is nuanced. That just because certain experiences in DID are dysfunctional doesn't mean that every aspect of the disorder is.

Being multiple allows you to communicate internally in a way most singlets can't, and a lesser version of this is actually sought after as a therapeutic tool in Internal Family Systems.

Singlets, especially those with low self-esteem and depression, will often struggled with self-compassion. For many, it's easier to be compassionate towards someone else than it is to be compassionate towards themselves. A system that reaches healthy multiplicity can provide an internal support that a singlet might not have access to.

It's no wonder that of the DID voice hearers, nearly 70% say that they would miss the voices if they stopped talking.

(Source: study comparing voice hearing in Schizophrenia vs DID.)

A lot of systems care about and support each other.

While there are a lot of aspects of DID that are dysfunctional, it doesn't mean that having alters or experiencing internal communication/auditory hallucinations are always part of the problem.

And I think the many systems who have achieved healthy multiplicity would take issue with the suggestion that they could never be as healthy as a singlet as long as they're multiple.

It's so important then to not just validate healthy multiplicity as some inferior healing option, but to actually embrace it as something that can actually be just as healthy as if not healthier than final fusion for many systems.

I saw an anti-endo respond to my last post with this meme, and I think it does a great job summing up the anti-endo position.

To the anti-endo, multiplicity can never be healthy, good or beneficial. The most you can ever hope for without fusion is being "functional."

And this type of ideology is harmful to all systems.

#ask box #syscourse #plural #plurality #endogenic #sanism #plural system #endogenic system #system #multiplicity #actually plural #systems #ableism #system stuff #functional multiplicity #healthy multiplicity #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #mental health

[bluegoblinfox]

Good news but that also sucks...

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, from the community mental health team. Is to discuss my plural identity and symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. Now I don't think I meet the criteria for dissociative identity disorder, I do think I might be diagnosable with a different kind of dissociative disorder and I want to explore my experience of my brain, how that translates in terms of diagnosis. Putting a name to it isn't really important to me per se but it's a lot easier to explain my experiences to Professionals and people from the Department of Work and Pensions etc if I have a piece of paper that says what it is.

Whilst I am very pleased to be getting a appointment relatively quickly as I was only referred a few months ago, I know from previous experiences of assessment with psychiatrists that I'm going to need to talk about all of the trauma. Yes all of the trauma and it's impact on me, my PTSD symptoms and my autism, tendency to become non-verbal and all that shit. I also know from previous experience that digging all that shit up is not pleasant.

Also to further complicate the layers of horror that this appointment is already going to be, it's going to be held at the psychiatric unit my eldest was admitted to last year. The location of a lot of recent trauma for me.

My partner is gonna come and stay with me for the night before and the night after this appointment. I'm definitely going to disassociate. I'm probably going to become non-verbal for a while after. It's definitely gonna make my functional neurological disorder flare up. I'm going to tic a lot. Probably going to have a lot of right sided weakness and that might even become a migraine. If I'm really unlucky I'm gonna have a few flashbacks as well. So much fun!

So I'm gonna make sure that I've got lots of things set up when I get home to make life easy. All my sensory stuff together, my blindfold and medication ready should I need it. I'm gonna make sure I have lots of salty snacks and cola in as when I have a migraine I crave salt and sugar so bad.

I'm also going to make sure that I've cleared my diary for for 5 days after. It's this that I think people struggle to understand or appreciate without being told about it. That a difficult meeting like this it's gonna wipe me out for the best part of week. That the emotional turmoil and the ramifications of them aren't just in the moment or in proceeding hours. It will for days and days after.

I know a lot of people take for granted just being able to do a thing move on from it. My brain and my body don't work like that anymore. To be honest I'm not sure they ever did!

#mental health #actually autistic #plural system #living with cptsd #plurality #adhd #autism #functional neurological disorder #chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе #psychiatry appointment #trauma #ptsd #chronic migraine #motor tics #verbal tics #fun

[system-vent]

recently, i and another alter in our system found out that one of my friends is, in fact, most definitely a system. they were switching like pages in a flipbook right in front of us, each member kind of introducing themselves and obviously being very disoriented (cleo, the person who handled most of this situation, could kind of tell when the switches happened due to the visible disorientation, and asked "who's there?" to double check).

we first suspected he might be a system because he said he couldn't remember a majority of his childhood. it wasn't until we openly mentioned dissociative disorders that things started to happen.

when we openly started talking about DID, he started becoming kind of distant. i noticed this and kind of laid off on the conversation, but a few minutes later someone popped in and literally said a slur.

what we then went on to find out is some of these alters can be actually really rude. some of them creeped us tf out. but we understood where they were coming from. one of them still thought it was a completely different year. and as such, they still thought they were going through incredibly traumatic things. so cleo did her best not to be too pressing.

every time their brain thought system-talk was over, cleo or i (depending on who was there, i think it was mostly cleo) kept trying to show the drawings and notes she had told the other alters to make as proof to him, but he almost immediately switched out again when his brain registered it was system-related.

she kept trying to press the situation until she gave up because she knew it was no use.

when i switched in, i was...kind of just like "why??"

i know not to tell hosts that i think they're part of a system if they don't already know and there's evidence that they shouldn't know yet.

but she doesn't.

now i don't know how to move forward. i want to get my friend back, but i feel like every time he sees me, it triggers somebody else to switch in. he (or someone else tbh idk) gave me the worst side eye i've ever seen this morning, and i feel really bad.

i know he needs help and i know at some point he's gonna probably need to go on that journey, but i don't know how to work through things for the time being.

so tumblr, what do i do? i need help :[

please reblog or comment with answers bc omg i am lost

have a wonderful day lovelies. buhbye

To be honest I'm at a lost for words as I'm not really able to help since well

We are also quite newly discovered (just a few months prior from the help of a friend of ours who's a system)

I just hope you and your friend will be okay sending best regards -🌐Host

#did vent #osdd vent #sys vent #system vent #no trigger warnings(?)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hey so i have a kind of issue ive been pondering over for a while. i currently identify as a trans man, but for a while i thought i might be genderfluid and identified the two possible "genders" i switched between. i gave them names, ill call them s and k here. s was my more feminine gender, i used to describe them as my "girl" gender but now it makes me kind of uncomfortable identifying even partly as a girl. for a while, s used he/she/it pronouns. k uses he/him pronouns and is strictly masculine presenting. sometimes, i will feel like a mix of both "genders" and to be honest, it confuses me because more often than not they feel very distinct and separate, but weirdly similar at the same time? because, well, i usually think theyre both still me. but recently ive been wondering if they really are both me? if that makes any sense at all. because ive been thinking that the two "genders" might not be genders at all but instead like, separate personalities? because my interests change sometimes slightly and sometimes drastically when my "gender" changes, or sometimes i feel conflicted on what i *should* be interested in, if that makes sense? like both hypothetical interests are there, sure, but i feel confused on which one im supposed to like at the moment. and now that im really thinking about this, and typing it out, i have a feeling i might have some kind of plurality?? but im also scared that im getting way ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions, because the "genders" or "personalities" or whatever they are, people maybe, arent always so clearly distinct from one another? because i feel like if they are separate personalities than they both come from a singular base personality maybe? and theres also the issue that if they are two separate personalities or people, than I don't know which one is the real me.

sorry if this was like, really confusing. i just would really like some input on what you think this could be. if its not too much trouble, i hope this could be answered quickly because it's something thats really bothering me but if thats too much stress or whatnot, like you have other asks to get to first, than i totally understand and no pressure! thank you in advance

Hi anon,

It's fairly possible that you could be plural given the experiences you described. It's common for people who don't realize they are systems to experience their plurality in terms of shifting their gender, name, and pronouns, as well as their interests, likes, and dislikes. It's possible that the shifts could be different parts fronting, and it's also possible that the blending between them could be chalked up to blurriness or being cocon. It's understandable that the idea you may be plural could be causing some unease or uncertainty, even as to who you are personally, and please know that you're not alone.

However, as a nonprofessional and as someone who doesn't know you personally, it's not my place to say for certain whether or not you are plural. This could be something to explore further with the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who specializes in dissociative disorders and/or LGBT+ experiences. A therapist, especially one with these concentrations, could help you figure out whether this is to do with gender or if there's something more going on.

Please know that it's okay to explore your identity and discover who you truly are. Identity is a complex and personal journey, it can often fluctuate, and it can take time to understand ourselves fully. Remember to practice self-care, being gentle and patient with yourself along the way. You deserve the space and time to embrace and understand all parts of yourself.

Best of luck in getting to the bottom of this. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

[plural-affirmations]

Kind of a weird system + disability question, I hope it's okay to ask

We're doing volunteer work for a local event and right now our job is making these little pocket brochures of info about some of the policies attendees should know about. We've never done this kind of formatting before so we need to learn how to get it all set up on the first place, size it correctly, and format it so it'll look right when folded up, then actually write everything up in a cohesive way that fits on it all.

We're also going through a really bad period of DPDR and we're dissociating a lot more often. Winter is a bad trauma time for us so it's not unexpected but it's making getting everything done feel like trying to run through mud. We're managing, we knew it would take some time and we're trying not to force things when our brain starts to shut down.

My problem is mostly coming with tracking my hours working on it all? Any time we spend working on this or teaching ourselves how to do it or anything count as work hours, and we're supposed to track them as we go. The more hours you work before the event the more rewards you can earn, mostly they're food vouchers, so six hours of work is worth a $35 or so coupon to the restaurant of the hotel the event is at.

But I feel like we're being deceitful somehow by tracking our hours literally when our focused hours are probably a lot less? We're getting a lot less work done in an hour of time than someone who doesn't have a dissociative disorder would. And we're struggling with a lot of kinda.. "I produce less than a neurotypical person so I should be compensated at a lower rate" kind of thinking?

I know it's probably not a healthy mindset, and I know enough that I would never apply that thinking to anyone else - like, I've bought art commissions from other disabled folks knowing I'd be paying extra because it takes them longer to do something than an able person - but for some reason my brain is stuck on like... "Well it's not a physical disability that's stopping me, it's just my crappy concentration, it's not anyone else's fault that our brain is made of soup"? It feels like actually admitting how long some of this stuff is taking us is somehow defrauding the folks we're working with or like, maliciously dragging our feet just to get more reward perks?

I'm not even sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent or what with this, I just kinda needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for letting us get it out

- 🎶 System

Hey, no worries, disability stuff is right up our alley actually (we are bodily physically + mentally disabled).

Also, quick note, this is Jax writing right now instead of Phoenix, hope that's ok!

I guess my best advice would be to treat yourself the way you would anyone else. You're obviously struggling with dissociation and the like, so give yourself some grace. You're trying your best.

Second, I don't think you're taking advantage of anything. If you're worried you're exploiting the system somehow, chances are you aren't. You have to actively put in the effort to do that kinda stuff, and it would be very clearly on purpose.

And also... have you thought about how many abled people drag their feet, or goof off on the clock? I'm talking in actual employed positions, Real Life Adult Jobs. They talk around the water cooler, gossip, complain about the coffee being too weak to their coworkers, etcetera. All while not clocking out. And no one bats an eye. Because it's genuinely pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of, say, 8 hours of work. Or, for you, however many hours of work you're putting in.

Basically, I'm extremely confident you're not doing anything bad. You seem like a really honest person, and I doubt you would do something like fuckin' around at a volunteer position. Like... it's a volunteer thing! That's already doing more work for your community than the vast majority of people who live in it.

I hope this stuff makes sense, I'm not as good with words as Nix, and I've never really written a full length post here, haha. Please follow up if you want to, or send anythin' else you feel like. :)

🖤💜💙💚💛

#answered #not a request #plural advice #jax.txt #🎶 anon

[alostlittleriverlotus]

so my gf and I broke up/decided to be friends cause her romantic feelings faded. And nothing against her, literally I stand firmly in the "if you aren't feeling it, the relationship should be ended." It's just dealing with a lot of realizations that like: I truly am isolated from people.

(long rant, rambles and repeats myself a lot)

She still cares about me and we're staying friends, chatting occasionally, etc. But I knew if I distanced myself to cope with my fatigue and the fact I feel anxious around everyone except for MA no matter how close I get to them, it would end in this. I've had doubts cause she's never fully been able to support me the way that I need even if we were happy. We haven't truly had any problems since we were both in high school. A big reason I didn't break up with her is cause I wanted to fight for the relationship, but also I didn't want to lose her as a friend so I'm glad we're staying friends.

I'm mostly just sad seeing how...I just can't fit in around others. I get too anxious and awkward and it leads my romantic relationships to feel like friendships because my anxiety NEVER goes away no matter how long I've known them. I've dated her/known her for 6 years and still I was terrified of causing her to leave if I acted wrong. I do still love her, but I kind of accepted that us having a future together wasn't likely. It was small things like accidentally misgendering me once (one of the only times she uses my pronouns and she used the wrong ones), watching a Blaire White video about kids faking mental illnesses (I think she just happened upon the video and watched it, but it kinda scared me that maybe she was a Blaire White fan or sumthn), and then just small things where we express emotions very differently.

I'm always going to feel disconnected from others and emotionally isolated. I'm always going to have anxiety with people like my now ex-gf (I'll start calling her T now I guess) and Ray and C. MA is the only person that I don't have that issue with.

The good news is that like, I can date MA finally. And I'm not overly sad about the break up, it's just left me with feelings about my relationships with other people in general thanks to my trauma and disorders. I'm not dating MA yet cause I need time to process and I want me asking her out to be perfect, but yeah.

Like my anxiety will never go away with people. I will always be frightened and feel like I'm living a lie. I felt I always had to play up my parts and please her to be worthy of love. Communication was just...never fully there the way I wanted it. I'm more relieved than anything that we broke up because I really couldn't see us together with the different ways we were going. I love more intensely than her and I'm also incredibly emotionally isolated and switch moods so often cause of disorders and being a system that I'm pretty dissociated overall. I knew I wasn't getting the support I needed.

None of this is against her, it's more just a set of circumstances/a reality of a situation. I always needed more support than she could provide and she was more demanding than I could handle (not in a controlling way, but a different needs way.) It just really hurts cause it's a reminder of how...limited love is for me, platonic or romantic. How differently I experience everything from other people including my close safe circle of loved ones.

I can't even begin to list every tiny thing I need when it comes to relationships, friend or s/o. But I know MA will work for me. She knows...everything pretty much and she's the one exception, the one single person, that I can truly be 1000% honest around. I'm overall happy T and I can stay friends. It's just a big reminder. I don't blame her at all cause it's just how love and relationships can be sometimes and I don't really mind it. I'd rather be in a relationship with MA at this point cause there...I can get the support I need for my physical and mental disabilities. MA knows what I need and we've communicated a lot and I can do the same for her. It's also just a "flaw" of mine (not really a flaw, but I can't find a better word) that romantic and platonic love is nearly equal to me. I'm in love with all my friends and would happily date any of them. Romantic partners to me will always be friendships but an extra level to it. And I guess it isn't like that for other people. I'm also just happy I can like...be free to explore myself a bit. I love T a lot and I'm glad we can stay friends in the end. She's a person I want in my life for as long as possible and I love listening to her rants. She needs more constant love and I need love on my terms with supporting my needs emotional and physical. We have a lot of differences and that's okay.

Just...the crushing reality of loneliness thanks to these disorders. I'm never too sad about having personality disorders to cope, but like...the isolation and how separate I am from most everyone including those in my life is...such an isolating experience. Everything I did, everything I perceive, everything I feel is inherently different. From autism to schizoid and narcissism, it's just...an amalgamation of experiencing things separately. And that's kinda why I like Tumblr so much. The PD communities on here help me feel less alone and more seen even if our experiences are still different, like, I get it. And even if I'm unable to interact with people cause of being terrified of other people, it's nice to see people that experience the world in similar ways. I have a mutual on the mental health app I use that is along those lines too and I treasure them greatly even tho we NEVER talk. I love my mutuals a lot even if I never speak to them. That's enough to make me feel happy, to see what they reblog and what they say.

Anyway, uh yah. That's my rant. Just a lot of personal feelings and shit. Lots of feelings about how I experience life and perceive things.

#actually autistic #actually disabled #actually traumatized #actually narcissistic #actually borderline #actually histrionic #actually schizoid #actually schizotypal #actually antisocial #actually paranoid #actually avoidant #schizospec #actually schizospec #psychotic #different perception #viewing life differently #alexithymia #adhd #disabled #mentally disabled #physically disabled #I'm a mess of disorders #personal rant #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #emotions #emotions are weird #I feel apathetic while also feeling happy while feeling isolated #nothing makes any sense #I'm fine overall

[computerpeople]

if you’re comfortable sharing, when/how did you first realize you were a system? I’ll be honest I’m trying to figure it out for myself ❤️‍🩹

so lets see. i thought i was a system back when i was 15 because i started hearing audible hallucinations and was like ahhh somethings really wrong fellas. anyways i eventually was like ummm guess im not a system im just psychotic, according to my therapists. and that was it

and then around 2021 i started looking into dissociation, at the time i thought my head injury was causing my memory issues, but from what i remembered, my tbi had never caused this big of memory gaps. it was causing some genuine issues in my every day life, i couldn't remember who i talked to or when, i had a terrible memory narrative and couldn't piece together shit that was going on. i was blaming my TBI almost every day and while it was true, i couldn't help my memory issues, that was not the cause of them. this is around the time my trauma started to subside and i was allowed "room to breath" for the first time in my life. around then i had met angel, and i had confided in them that i had been reading a lot about DID and OSDD, and that while i don't think i had those disorders, its made me realize i was dissociating. I had many friends with DID and a few of them I still talk to to this day, and it started feeling more and more like I understood their experiences more than other experiences i was hearing in PTSD circles, which i've been in my entire life. I've been diagnosed with CPTSD, psychotic symptoms and the like since i was 13, so i've been well versed in all of this stuff for a LONG time.

and then in december of 2021 i took a trip to visit angel at their dorm, and i dissociated almost the entire time. i came home with a completely different color of hair, which is pretty shocking if you dont remember doing that, but ALSO for more context: up until 2021 i HATED THE COLOR BLUE I HATED IT. if you asked anyone i had a weird psychotic hatred of blue, and a strong feeling that if i were to like anything that was blue the assumption wpould be that blue is my favorite color, which meant i was a boring and sad person. its a ridicyulous belief i don't hold anymore for the most part. but i had come home aaaand my hair was blue, and i had a lot of blue wardrobe pieces for the first time in a long time. the last time i liked blue enough to do that was before me and my ex boyfriend chris had broken up

so now im home from a trip i dont even remember really taking, with a hair color i fucking despise. and it wasn't really like i "met" my alters or anything, but i felt like.... at that point, at least, that if i was already doing so much research, and relating so closely to my friends, and already thought i was a system before, and now im having massive changes to my appearance that i dont remember that are extremely uncharacteristic of me? at that point i was like damn im just admitting defeat. there are a lot of other small things that gave me the feeling. i comfort myselgf by imagining myself in a large arena with all of the brain guys in my head with me, one of the only ways im able to calm myself when im experiencing an episode IRT CSA is what i now know is internal communication with one of our alters, Miles, who exists almost solely to help cope with stuff like that. but to me it doesnt feel like imagining, it feels like im having a direct conversation with a different person. i dont come up with his responses or anything

i also tend to focus less on the identity part of DID. i know thats the WHOLE THING but i tend to focus more on the other aspects besause ive uhmm... already done a lot of work IRT BPD when it comes to having an unstable identity so its not exactly a point of frustration for me anymore, the biggest issues i run into are

memory loss

unable to correctly list and stick to priorities (due to other identities having different priorities)

skill loss

i notice my biggest issues are when only one alter is able to do something, whether it be because theyre the only ones with the memory or the only ones with the spoons or the skills :/ its hard! but its been helpful to me learning how people with DID manage these issues, instead of looking for other sources of help. i wish yuou luck!

#txt