#I was right... I really did need to start going to the counsellor lol

[a-writer-on-elm-street]

Hi there! I don’t know if you write poly Sinclair or not but if you do could I get a poly Sinclair x reader (female or gender neutral is fine) where the reader gets really mad at someone for not understanding what they want despite how many times they explain and so the boys comfort her/them and calm them down?

I’m getting really frustrated with my counselor for basically ignoring what I’m saying to the point where I want to scream and cry and I just really need some x reader comfort right now lol, but no pressure of course! Sorry if this is over stepping anything! Have a lovely day/night!

pairing: poly!sinclair x gn!reader

summary: when you get back from a difficult counsellor appointment, the sinclairs try to offer you some comfort

warnings: minor injury detail, blood

a/n: this isn't overstepping at all, i'm happy to write this for you! thank you so much for requesting, sorry it took a while, and i hope you enjoy! <3

also, sorry to hear your counsellor's being so difficult, i know the feeling when people don't listen to you. if you ever need to talk, my dms are always open :)

word count: 905

You were so frustrated you felt like you were about to explode as you walked through the front door of the house, Bo lounging about on the couch, Vincent clearly elsewhere.

It didn't take Bo long to notice something was up, as he stood up from the couch, proceeding to follow you into the kitchen. "The hell's wrong with you?"

"Nothing." You muttered, getting a glass of water as Bo stood beside you, leaning against the counter.

You'd just come back from a counselling session, and they hadn't listened to a word you'd said. You might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

"Well I think we both know that's bullshit, sweetheart." Bo argued, watching you as you leaned over the sink. "So what's the matter with you?"

"It doesn't matter."

Before Bo could say anything else, the front door swung open, Lester walking in with Jonesy happily circling his feet.

He was covered in dirt and smelled like wet dog as he walked into the kitchen, heading straight for the fridge. He didn't even register you and Bo at first, as he sat down at the table with a bottle of orange juice, gulping it down like his life depended on it.

But once he finally acknowledged you both, he became mildly concerned by the agitated look on Bo's face. "You alright, (y/n)?"

"Fine." You answered, turning from the sink, only to crash into Vincent, the glass in your hand falling to the floor.

And that was the final straw, the thing to completely shatter the wall you had put up.

Tears burned your eyes as you bent down to start picking up the broken glass, and you wanted to scream, you wanted to yell at everyone in the room right now.

But all you could do was try desperately to hold back tears as you focused on picking up the glass.

Vincent was soon kneeling in front of you, attempting to help with the cleanup, but if you were being honest, you just wanted to be left alone right now.

All your frustration was bubbling up inside of you now, and you were worried you'd end up taking it out on the brothers, which would've been awful considering they'd done nothing wrong.

You picked up another piece of glass, adding it to the small pile you were creating in the palm of your hand, desperately trying to block everybody out as you did.

But the second Bo's hands came over yours, you were unable to keep yourself calm, turning and shoving him away from you, forgetting about the broken glass that was now enclosed in your fist.

You winced when you felt the glass pierce your skin, warm blood beginning to run across the palm of your hand.

Bo immediately spotted the blood seeping through your fingers, urging you to drop the glass as you opened your hand.

You practically stayed there in silence as Bo helped you up off the floor, instructing Vincent to go and get the first aid kit, telling Lester to clean up the mess.

"And make sure you keep the damn dog away from it. We don't want no more injuries around here." He'd added, as he guided you into the living room, sitting you down on the couch and kneeling in front of you, his hands still cradling your injured one.

"You gonna tell me what's wrong?" He finally asked you, concern in his eyes as he looked up at you.

Silent tears were staining your cheeks as you looked at him, all the pent up emotion finally spilling out of you.

You eventually offered him a brief explanation, to which he was surprisingly understanding.

"Alright, well let's take care of that hand and we can all relax, okay?" He told you.

You gave him a quiet nod, just as Vincent returned with the first aid kit.

He quickly looked you over, his rough hands carefully wrapped around your own as he inspected the injury. And he concluded that it wasn't serious, deciding to simply clean it up and wrap it.

Once he was finished, Bo joined you on the couch, Vincent coming to sit on the other side of you. And you were even more shocked when Bo handed you the remote, considering he never let anybody touch the remote.

A few moments passed and Lester finally arrived in the living room, carrying a slightly stained mug in his hands.

"Thought I'd make you some herbal tea." He smiled, handing you the cup. "Heard it's good for stress and stuff."

You offered him a small smile, before taking a sip of the tea. And it took everything in you not to visibly cringe from the taste. It was fucking digusting, but you still appreciated the gesture.

Lester then joined you all on the couch, his eyes never leaving you as he watched you sipping the tea.

To be completely honest, Bo and Vincent couldn't stop their gaze from wandering to you either. They all just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You meant so much to them, and despite their callous lifestyle, they couldn't bear to see you hurting.

But as you sat with them in front of the TV, a cheesy romance movie playing on the screen, you found that you were at peace. Being here, with your boys, you were home. And you wouldn't want it any other way.

[Main Masterlist]

#the sinclairs #poly!sinclair x reader #the sinclairs x reader #bo sinclair #vincent sinclair #lester sinclair #bo sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #lester sinclair x reader #house of wax #house of wax 2005 #slashers #slashers x reader

[spectrophobias]

@dollhidden asked: What are Kaitlyn's thoughts on the other counsellors before/after that night at the camp? Who does she like the most? Is there anyone she likes the least?

OH THIS IS SUCH A GOOD ONE thank u so much u bless me with the best asks.......

ok ok ok so i'll start with jacob bc he's the one she has the most history with!! they both give absolute only child energy LMFAO so i feel like they connected pretty quickly and realized they made a pretty good team!! lil baby kaitlyn was definitely a tomboy, usually preferred to hang out and roughhouse with the boys, but she is such a little cutie i just know jacob took one look at her tried to be like "lol ur a girl u cant do this" and she jumped his ass 😭 and idk something about a good fist fight can be so bonding!! like honestly they are this text post in a nutshell

she doesn't really blame him for what happened that night. if she'd thought that they'd be putting themselves in danger, she wouldn't have told him how to sabotage the van to begin with. she obviously wouldn't have ever expected actual literal werewolves LMAO she knows he wasn't trying to get anyone hurt. she does think he needs to chill and let emma be once she's expressed disinterest and she tells him so, but her view of him doesn't really change. he's still one of her best friends, he's just a little stupid and has some growing up to do which! mood tbh!

she's very much not quiet about her crush on ryan but also it's not something she takes super seriously. a summer fling would have been nice but she doesn't actually really know him ? she wouldn't mind getting to know him better, but over the summer pretty much all she's picked up about him is that he's quiet, hot, and a little weird but like in a cute way LMAO. i think she'd like him a lot and they could potentially work well together if they actually got to know each other, but that have to involve things feeling way less one sided on her end. also we all know she's too busy kissing emily to even think twice about it!

she actually really starts to like dylan over that last night, even if ryan did choose to kiss him and not her LMAO. she never outright disliked him or anything, but after the scrapyard and trying to take their last stand at the lodge she has a LOT more respect for him and considers him way more of a friend. before it was kind of like "oh he's a work friend" and maybe a little bit of a competitive feeling on her end knowing they were both crushing on the same guy, but it was all very unserious to her hgkskfk just a bit of friendly competition!! LMAO. so they come out of it closer than she expected, i think they would keep in touch after! he's the only one that i think she would go out of her way to keep in touch with, besides ofc jacob who she already knows.

nick was absolutely not on her radar for most of the summer lmaooo. he is just very not her type, romantically or friendship wise ! he absolutely weirded her the fuck out right before he turned though LMAO so even though she knows he was really messed up at the time she is perfectly happy not getting to know him better!

part of that is probably that she just feels weirdly protective of abi, even though they're not like besties or anything. she thinks abi is a sweetheart and she just seems so tightly wound and anxious all the time fjdjkd she reminds kaitlyn of a kicked puppy!! she thinks abi is pretty cool, she's talented with art and good with the kids, so she wants to see her give herself a little more credit!! she knows abi is way closer to emma, and that kind of is also something where she's a little worried for her after seeing jacob all worked up over emma? bc jacob is a crybaby (affectionate) but he's hard headed he'll get over it LMAO she's a little more concerned about how abi would handle emma switching up on her. also she ships it!

so with emma, kaitlyn definitely doesn't want to be all buddy buddy with her after watching jacob piss his pants over her all summer LMAO but again it's the type of thing where she doesn't necessarily dislike her? she doesn't trust her but she doesn't think she's an inherently bad person or anything, she doesn't really think there's a Right side in emma being straight up about not wanting anything more than a fling vs jacob catching feelings anyway bc he's a sap, but she's like yikes ! i will not be touching that one !

bonus: laura hot. no thoughts head empty !

#if caleb and kaylee were counselors she would like them i think! #well. she would like kaylee! LMAO. but shes like no offense but is ur brother. okay. #(hes not! :) ) #TY AGAIN FOR SENDING THIS IN ILUSM #dollhidden #kaitlyn tbt

[cupid-styles]

I threw in Ophelia when the besties were suggesting kitten names because they talked about her character in Hamlet in the first part which is why I thought it would be super cute!! I did almost suggest Daisy because that’s what you called the story but I couldn’t let go of Ophelia!! You said you called it Daisy because it was one of the flowers Ophelia was holding when she died I think? But same wavelength! Anyways I’m so happy you went with Ophelia!!

I’m glad to hear you’re not doing too bad! Hope you’ll recover fully soon!!

You’re so sweet bestie, I’m doing okay thank you. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago and it was a big decision. We do get some free counselling in the UK through the national health service but you can only get 8-12 weekly sessions and it can take up to 6 months and sometimes longer from when you refer yourself to when you actually start and you might not click with the person (which I think is super important) and it can almost take that many sessions just to go over all your issues lol and then it’s basically over and you have to wait 3 months before you can refer yourself again. So yeah I had to bite the bullet and go with a private counsellor and pay for my sessions because I need more than what the NHS can offer. I think it’s going to make a massive difference to know it’s open ended and it can end when I want it to end and to know I have the time and space to actually work through things. (I realise it’s a huge privilege to be able to go private for therapy and I’m so lucky I have a family member who’s willing to help me pay for it and yeah I don’t take it for granted) Anyways it’s still early days but my counsellor is really nice and I think she’ll be really good to work with :))

Sorry that ended up being super long but I thought I’d share and I know this is a safe space :)

-🦋

OMG YES!!!! aw I’m so happy you noticed it and messaged me about it!!!! I love incorporating ideas that people send in bc it just feels that much more special!

also!!! I’m SOOOO SO proud of you! starting therapy isn’t easy and I’m DOUBLY proud of you for knowing that you needed more than what the NHS could offer. I know it’s expensive and annoying sometimes but I hope it helps. I’m in trauma therapy right now (EMDR) and it’s very difficult but I’m glad I’m committing that time to myself every week. I’m so proud and happy that you’re doing the same!

I’m always sending you so much love!!!! and of course always here if you need anything or just wanna chat :) 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

#bestie asks #🦋 anon #tw mental health

[procrastinationonvacation]

Alright Smiles, Sam, my girl best friend, my one true love (lol)...

Here goes. It was years ago when we met. All I know is that I wasn't talking with you and then the next day we were. I really liked you. I remember you reminded me of grandma (you know who I'm talking about).

We were roommates for a solid three days and I have to say it was the best three days of that year to date. That one adventure we always talk about that scared the heck out of you??? I AM SO SORRY BEST FRIEND!!!!

Then we were out of touch for a good long while. Nothing changed. I was so worried things had changed. But it did. We got closer and closer. You are now the girl I will go to for everything and anything. You can make my days brighter with just a sentence.

That card you sent me last year?? I still have it and I am NEVER getting rid of it. I adore that we have the kind of friendship we do. I know you'll be amazing at University next year and I know I can always count on you for anything.

I still remember the one time I went over to your house. Did that kitchen aid mixer ever recover???? I'm crying as I write this ask AHHHH

I just wanted to let you know if you ever need a shoulder to cry on (goodness knows I've used you for that purpose too often)... Cassie is available for service!!! We'll even be in the same time zone for the first time in YEARS!!!

Sorry for the LOOONNNGGGGG ask but I wanted this to be out in the open to let your followers and mutuals know you're the real McCoy. YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS BE MY GIRL BEAT FRIEND!!!

WE WILL KICK BUTT NEXT YEAR EVEN WHEN WE ARE CRYING TO EACH OTHER!!!!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰💖♥️♥️♥️♥️💕💕💕🥰🥰🥰🥰🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳🥳

Cassie!!! My arch enemy (affectionate) and best of friends, great to see u in here, love.

To be honest I have no idea when we became friends either but you’re literally the best (second, ofc to The Grandma) (kidding I like u more <3) (dont tell her I said that) and I’m so glad we did meet.

Yeah, uh, dramatic storming off is nice just not At NIGHT. Dumbass. But it’s so sad we can’t just be room mates all the time. My quality of life would improve So much if we were. Also, yes, the kitchen aid has made a full recovery, and it thanks you for your concern.

And I’m glad u know to come to me if you have anything I can help with, and a reminder the same goes for your other friends, we’d much rather you have someone to talk to than not. (This also applies to other people on this site, I am no counsellor, but I am here and happy to talk if you need something.)

I have no Idea what it means to be a “real McCoy” and I do believe you’ve spent too long away from us over here and have started going *native* (I’m joking, but please I do like getting new words and would like to know what it means) 

I assume that you are also a real McCoy, because it seems to be a term of affection and there is no affectionate phrase that doesn’t suit you. 

-

Thank you for the ask, Blue, it absolutely made my day. Sending all this love right back at you. <33333

- Sam (aka Smiles) (just call me whatever i dont care)

#asks #Blue #this isn't what i expected when i posted an ask game but i love u anyways have a great day Cassie #i responded below the cut

[inevitably-johnlocked]

oh well, ig my ask didn't go through ha ha. I'm just-- in a really horrible place. I've been having suicidal thoughts, to the point of thinking up multiple plans...i told my mum, and she seemed to take it as an insult to her? and now it's just-- i don't know who to talk to. there's so much. I'm so lonely. I talk to nobody, I do nothing, I am nothing. I'm afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of living too. I've got no chances to make anything of my life

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

First off, I’m not going to say I know how you feel, because everyone’s depression and mental illness manifests in different ways. Secondly, I am not a professional, so I don’t think it’s my place to tell you how you should proceed. I simply tie my similar experience in an anecdotal way in hopes that maybe they will help you too. And thirdly, you are loved and you are important.

I’m getting the vibe that you are still fairly young, and I want you to know that it DOES get better. I KNOW right now, in All This™, it seems hopeless and pointless. I GET IT. I suffer from Dark Thoughts too because of my seasonal depression that has been unending since last February – it IS something I need help with. But I find what has helped me cope a little bit better is talking with my trusted friends, getting outside on sunny days (mine is greatly affected by weather and stress), and taking time away from social media and the news and do things that I enjoy, like watch movies, bake, and do art. It makes stuff a bit easier in a period that feels like it’s never going to end.

I am saddened and disheartened that your mother is so selfish that she made it all about her. That I DO have experience with. It’s REALLY hard to trust a parent who doesn’t listen to you. She SHOULD be supportive and helping you find therapists and psychologists who can properly diagnose you or help you find coping mechanisms. That actually really upsets me, because my mother is the exact fucking same.

Actually, I did reply to a post fairly recently about Dark Thoughts that I feel will help you feel a bit better <3 Please check it out.

That said, Nonny, I do implore you to now do your own research if your mother isn’t going to help you. And if you’re feeling suicidal, find a help line in your area. Here’s some links copy-pasted from the above post:

741741 Suicide Helpline / Texting Crisis Service

7Cups Online Emotional Support Therapists

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA)

Crisis Services Canada

Canada Suicide Prevention Centre: 833-456-4566 || SMS: Text START to 741741

And These other links; given your usage of “mum”, I’m guessing you’re either European or Australian (though that doesn’t say much because I’m Canadian and I use mum from growing up on Britcoms, LOL):

Lifeline Australia

Suicide SupportLine (UK)

Suicide Crisis Helpline (NZ)

And finally, because I do believe you are a minor:

Kid’s Help Phone (They are Canadian, but I think they’ll be able to direct you to the proper place for your country)

I’m sorry I’m not much help outside of this, Nonny, but as I said, I am not equipped with the tools to help you, only the means of which to direct you to people who can. Also, research therapists in your area; your school may also have counsellors who can help you via Zoom chats. 

Listen, Nonny, just because you have a selfish parent doesn’t mean that other people don’t want to help you. I know it FEELS that way. The depression makes you think dark thoughts, and makes you feel hopeless. It’s a lie, Nonny. People care. 

And for what it’s worth Nonny, you’re important to me and to my Lovelies. And I think you will go on to be exactly who you need to be: yourself. Please do take care of yourself, look into one of these services if nothing else, and know that we’re here for you.

Love you Nonny <3

#steph replies #suicide cw #mental health #suicide helplines #depression cw #i am not a professional #chatting with nonnies #my advice #Anonymous

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice Part 4 - Shiraishi Kageyuki Route

Lmao that the way to get on Shiraishi's route is to be honest and call him strange hahah. Honestly, Shiraishi isn't my type, but I'm interested in him because he doesn't appear much in the other routes so he's pretty mysterious. I can see why Shiraishi is interested in Ichika though, especially considering he's involved in criminal profiling, it's like Ichika is such a normal girl, why exactly would Adonis be specifically interested in her? I liked how Shiraishi made it plain to Ichika that they needed to co-operate because she definitely wouldn't be able to find anything about a mole in the police force by herself, with no connections etc when others much more capable than her haven't been able to lol. It's actually cute how much Shiraishi seems to like cats, I agree that naming them as numbers is much easier to remember, but at the same time, to recognise 37 different cats? That's pretty amazing in itself lol. Honestly though, when he talked about it was nice to be a cat, getting to be lazy and free, but at the same time living with uncertainty and not knowing when you could die as a "price" of that freedom, it felt pretty sad... Is living freely better or living securely?🤔

Takeuchi (the teacher who taught the guys who died in the September and October cases) is so pretty! Anyway, I actually really like how much Shiraishi and Ichika bump heads with each other, especially considering how different they are, yet how "honest" they both are in the sense that Ichika doesn't hide her dislike towards him, and Shiraishi doesn't hide how much he's "interested" in people like her that he can't understand because they can empathise with others I guess. Personally, in terms of questioning Takeuchi, I would say that I have to agree with Shiraishi's methods, mainly because, I'm sure Takeuchi has been questioned many times, and there would have been many different officers, but probably not one as interested as Shiraishi and Ichika since they actually believe there's more to Hachisuka (the guy that was killed in the September case) than the "perfect" student. But I do think that if they want more information, then Shiraishi's methods would only let you know that there's something more to it, whereas Ichika's methods might get to her better? Anyway, what I really enjoy about their relationship right now is how upfront Ichika is about her feelings and thoughts towards him. I especially liked when she told him that he should remember her name because she felt that it was important for him to remember that so they could trust and respect each other. 

Lmao when Ichika thought she was joining some top secret coalition with Mukai but it was really just a complaining about Shiraishi group that comprised of Sakuragawa🤣 HAHAHA, I was wondering why would Sakuragawa hate Shiraishi but OMG it's super justified. He purposely bothered to have a chef make a "hamburger patty" out of natto just to see her reaction since she absolutely hates it lollll. I would hate him too. Honestly, I love Mukai, and how she handles Shiraishi because he totally deserves it lol. I find it funny how she can be so blunt with him, and lmao that she actually tried to kick him before but missed🤣 Shiraishi spending time every now and then to go and hear Mukai and them complain about him is so sadistically funny lol. Awww Ichika sleeping on his lap is super cuteeee. I wonder what Mukai and Sakuragawa are going to say since Shiraishi implied that they're in that sort of relationship and that's why they left the passed out Ichika (from accidentally chugging Shiraishi's drink) to him, I feel like they'd tell her to reconsider🤣 I wonder if no one ever thanks Shiraishi and that's why he was so surprised when Ichika thanked him for hiding the collar from Sakuragawa and Mukai for her lol. To be fair, considering his personality, I can't imagine anyone thanking him for anything he does lol. Lmao when Mukai and Sakuragawa interrogated Ichika about Shiraishi and her relationship loll, and now they want her to be a spy lmao. I don't know why so many guys like to think it's their responsibility to "teach" the heroine that it's either dangerous to let guys into their homes or to go to the guy's house alone, like seriously!! It's not that we don't think it's dangerous or anything, we just trust you! Like geez. Anyway, Shiraishi definitely went overboard pinning Ichika to the wall, regardless of his intentions, that's scary and unwarranted. Otherwise, I'm impressed Ichika wants to understand Shiraishi better after that. Anyway, I do feel like Shiraishi acted the way he did because he didn't know how to act towards Ichika. Usually he's met with people who either dislike him, don't care or outwardly dislike him, so I feel like Ichika being so nice to cook for him made him feel awkward and not know what to do and act since he's always so sadistic and cynical. I could be wrong though haha.

I forgot to mention it but it's interesting how it was Shiraishi's profiling that ended up catching the culprit 2 years ago when the attempted assassination on the Prime Minister was, since that was the case that changed Okazaki. I really liked how Ichika and Shiraishi finally communicated properly in the sense that they just bothered to talk to each other and try to understand each other. I guess considering his personality, most people would give up on him, so it must be surprising that Ichika is so persistent. I liked how he finally called her by her name haha. Awww, I love how they exchanged the cat straps they got from the gachapon machine. Imagining Shiraishi fiddling with one of those machines, never having played with one is pretty cute haha. Pretty hilarious when Shiraishi got flustered over Ichika saying she preferred him this way (not so weird lol) and he accidentally dropped a stack of papers🤣 I also found it pretty funny when she told him to be careful and he said he didn't need to, and Ichika was like you should practice what you preach since not taking your own advice is dumb😂😂 She totally got him hahahah. Aww Shiraishi thanking Ichika for trusting him was so cuteee. It was really sweet how Shiraishi acknowledged Ichika's efforts in the SCRPO, she really does try her best to listen to the people calling the police to complain and she really takes it all to heart, so it's nice to see how much he recognises her efforts. I wonder if Shiraishi's flashback means that he got experimented on as a child🤔 Anyway, I think I'm really warming up to their relationship. I think it's really cute how "normal" Shiraishi actually is lol. Him getting mad that Ichika was telling Sakuragawa and Mukai that she didn't feel anything for him, and then her running after him just to explain that she doesn't hate him, and then him getting happy and saying it back to her was just so adorable hahaha.

I feel so terrible for the counsellor lady (Uno) who got driven to suicide because of Hachisuka. Like, it was obvious Hachisuka wasn't as "clean" as his records said, but to think that he had so much power over the school because of his mother's "donations" and then couldn't hack that Uno rejected him (since you know she has a husband and kids, like c'mon dude) and then started threatening her + other mental torment from his groupies. It's just crazy to think that she ended up so ballistic (killed her husband and tried to kill her kids but failed and then ended up committing suicide) just because she refused a teenager's "love". That's just so sad.. It's nice to see more of Saeki this time around, it was so funny when he told Shiraishi to take care of Ichika because he believed in the rumours that they were dating. To be fair, he's eating dinner with her at work late at night sharing a lunchbox etc so it's hard to not think that even if they say they aren't lol. I guess those murderous twins are Uno's children? Anyway, I like how even though Shiraishi said a lot of mean stuff and crap to Ichika about everything being a lie, but Ichika decided to believe in the him she spent time with, and that if it was a lie, then he should show her his real self then. Ichika is pretty strong haha. Personally, I'm not a fan of the voice acting for Shiraishi, or maybe it's just Shiraishi himself lolll but I think I do like the progress with their relationship because of how blunt they are with each other. I think her honesty really works well with how sneaky and evasive Shiraishi usually is, since it's difficult for him to handle someone so genuinely kind and appreciative of him as a person haha. Well, Takeuchi's thoughts etc were pretty much expected, but very understandable, I don't think I could ever move on if I felt like I betrayed my friend and left her all alone just to protect myself. And her guilt would make her want to protect Uno's children now.. I'm not sure about Takeuchi's decision to tell Uno's children what really happened with their parents at the young age of 18 but I guess I can understand her thoughts of not wanting them to hate their mother. I guess she regrets it a lot now but yeah...that's sad..

Seeing the story of the Uno siblings was pretty terrible. Such a normal happy family getting crushed was terrible. I think the worst was definitely when their mother murdered their father right in front of them. Anyway, considering Shiraishi's analysis and everything, there's really no new information about their "story" so it's really just watching them struggle between their desires to live but also to die. I'm just glad the siblings had Takeuchi in their lives tbh, otherwise it would have been worse. When Shiraishi said that the feeling of someone needing you makes you think that it's all right to exist, I couldn't help but agree with that. I used to be obstinate with the idea that a person should create their own "value" and I guess their desire to live because in the end, you can't rely on others for your own life, and I guess I still think like that. But at the same time, I feel like there will always be times when another person can be your drive to live, and to make you think that you want to live because of them. Sure, it's not always the healthiest mindset, but at the same time, when you have nothing else to live for, at least having them makes you think that this life is still worth living to an extent even if other things suck. I'm glad that Takeuchi, Shion and Suzune got to properly talk it out and communicate their feelings, but I still find their reason for killing those three people to kinda like "free" Takeuchi rather...silly? Like I guess I can understand their perspective in the sense that they wanted to end things for Takeuchi, but even though they ended that part, they started another part where Takeuchi would feel guilty that her actions led to those decisions that they made. Anyway, I guess the main thing we can be happy about is that they understood well enough that killing themselves would torment Takeuchi much more, but it's still kinda funny that they can understand that but not understand enough to not commit murder. I guess their hatred and emotions needed some sort of outlet, and just because you understand doesn’t mean you won’t do it.

It's understandable for Shiraishi to love cats for their freedom, and I think that's what I love about cats too, well I guess more specifically stray cats or outdoor cats. They don't live according to anyone's schedule, they go out and do what they want, come home when they feel like it and are cute lol. Their lives are much more vibrant than mine and I think that's so interesting. I loved their cat observing date, it was so cute how serious Ichika was about trying to remember each individual cat and writing notes down just because she knew Shiraishi likes them so she wanted to be more engaged in it too. Them holding hands to the supermarket was adorableeee~ Lmao, I love how Ichika lured Kazuki to the office with Yanagi and them by stealing his guitar, I mean of course with how disobedient he is, he'll never go just because she told him so. I guess it's good that Shiraishi helped to make Kazuki more understanding of the seriousness of the situation. 

Hmmm interesting, when Adonis executives were leaked, I'm pretty sure it was Shiraishi, but killing Mikuni (prime minister's son in Adonis) in broad daylight? I'm pretty sure the "voice" Shiraishi talked to throughout the story was Mikuni and he seemed to have some kind of relationship with him that was relatively positive, so hmmm.. Did Zero do something to frame or manipulate Shiraishi? I see, Shiraishi's been brainwashed to practically follow Zero and Adonis... I really liked how there were flashbacks with Ichika and Shiraishi to kinda remind us of everything they've gone through, because even though Shiraishi isn't really a favourite of mine, I did enjoy Ichika and Shiraishi's relationship build up and I can understand why she would believe in the him that he showed to her rather than the him that Zero tells her he is. Hmmm I guess that "good ending" was interesting. I'm kinda disappointed with how things were revealed and how they ended though, like... I'm honestly rather mixed about the whole thing because I feel like Shiraishi's story could have been dealt with much better alongside his feelings, because I found his reasoning to kill Mikuni to gain the trust of Zero just to get Ichika's collar off I don't know...weird? There could have been better ways? But I guess this is how Shiraishi is in his own twisted and brainwashed way so it was understandable that he did it this way? But at the same time, I agree with Ichika about if he really loved her that much, why couldn't he find a method where they could live on together instead of this. Anyway, I wanted to call Shiraishi selfish for keeping Ichika with him when she was in a coma when she could have gone to a hospital etc, but knowing Ichika, I'm sure she would have wanted to spend as much time as she could with Shiraishi before he atoned for his crimes. And, he did seem to be in regular communication with Yanagi and them, so I'm glad Kazuki didn't have to think she died and stuff, but I’m still iffy because considering Kazuki and stuff, I wouldn’t trust this random with my sister lol. Anyway, it's a bittersweet ending, but I did enjoy how everything ended with the Christmas party they promised to celebrate together. That tragic love ending CG was really beautiful though! And I'm glad to finally see an ending where Ichika gets practically brainwashed and joins Adonis after failing to save Shiraishi, and inversely Shiraishi failing to protect her and her heart. Although I kinda still find it unlikely that she would be able to kill Yanagi and them but who knows, doesn't really matter I guess.

Overall, I have mixed feelings about Shiraishi. He's definitely not my type but I did enjoy how Ichika and Shiraishi kinda bounced off each other with their differences and personal values. They were always upfront with what they thought and honest about what they liked, what they didn't like and I think their relationship was done really nicely. They had a lot of cute moments such as visiting the stray cats and holding hands etc and I honestly feel like I should have liked Shiraishi, but I actually don't lol. Like, I guess I liked their relationship, but his story and everything didn't resonate with me. Personally, I feel like the greatest setback for this route was actually that it focused too much on building the romance and neglected Shiraishi's background with Adonis, his feelings and thoughts, and his relationship with Mikuni that ended up hurting him because he basically killed him to help Ichika. I feel like everything about Shiraishi and Adonis at the end was like an information dump about how Adonis takes care of orphans to raise as their officers or whatever, which imo felt kinda weird because supposedly so many of them exist but they’re never a part of the story in any way, and why do they bother trying to find people like Ichika to become executors other than to use them as scapegoats or something, but the core of the X-Day plans basically has nothing to do with these officers? Anyway, I just found the whole thing with Shiraishi and Adonis to be handled poorly and I think it could have made a bigger impact on me if they bothered to focus a bit more on it throughout the route instead of just at the end where it honestly didn't make me feel anything for him or the whole thing. I sound so slack lolll, but the biggest indication that I really didn't enjoy it that much was when I straight away went into Yanagi's story afterwards loll. I usually need time to digest when I finish a route, but yeah I think I was pretty disappointed with Shiraishi and his route. But I do like how it was different to the others since it's not really a "happy ending" considering he's a criminal etc, so that was interesting, but I feel sorry for the people that would have wanted something happier. Anyhow, really liked the romance development and their relationship but not so much the Adonis stuff surrounding Shiraishi, however the Uno siblings were nice “villains” for this route.

#collar x malice

[the-busy-ghost]

TSP S02E08 - Peace (At Last)

It’s the last episode of this strange show and tbh it’s a bit sad, because you know, I think I had fun. You have to give the actors credit for genuinely creating some moving scenes, and I will miss some of the dresses the costume department served up. On the other hand, the show was bizarre and nonsensical but that in itself was genuinely entertaining, and also I think that this was a piece of media which really lent itself to being pulled apart- it can be quite educational to analyse some of the balls to the wall nonsense in period dramas, and sometimes they really can offer new lines of enquiry that people wouldn’t otherwise think about. But yeah. Cast and crew must have had a good time making it and in some areas, the acting shone through, where it was allowed to. If anything half the reason this show was disappointing is because it had every opportunity to be much better. 

That being said, onto my rant for the week. 

- We start off with some sadly wooden Shakespearean-play-being-performed-live-on-stage line delivery which wasn’t really suited to television or this show’s established aesthetic. There were quite a few other places in the script this episode where characters said things in a rather cringy way that would have been much better on stage, or not said at all. Maybe it’s the writers, who knows. Bit disappointing though.

- I have to ask, why is Margaret Pole just letting Mary stand outside the door in her nightgown listening to all this? That’s rather negligent guardianship? Terribly contrived, 0 marks.

- Katherine and Mary’s scene in the chapel was sort of nice, pity we didn’t see  more of this kind of moment.

- AND we are back in “Scotland” (haha, right), and apparently we are picking up exactly where we left off in the last episode, with Margaret returning loaded with some trinkets from the English treasury. Presents for everybody. 

- First thought why the hell is this castle ruined. Did nobody tell Frost and Graham that all those ruins in the pictures of Scotland weren’t originally like that? Also I have no idea where Margaret is meant to be here. At first I thought maybe they’ll show a Fake Tantallon but her following lines indicate that she’s managed to get to the west land somehow? Very confused. 

- Who the fuck are the ‘men of Arran and Hamilton’. That is not how ANY of this works. I think what the scriptwriters mean is that Margaret has gone to the Earl of Arran and his retainers? But that’s not in the least how they should be referred to, it’s a deeply misleading line and doesn’t really mean anything. Also confirms btw that James IV’s kids were absolutely just set-dressing, since they had an opportunity for Moray at least to show up in 1524, but it seems that they have no relevance to the plot whatsoever so I have no idea why they were onscreen so much.

- “With English gold”- WOW ok, Margaret you really need to explain how you got that because otherwise it just looks like you’re acting on behalf of Henry VIII. Also did nobody consult their ‘Collected Works of Robert Burns’ before writing that line. But ‘assured’ Scots are a complex concept that I definitely didn’t expect the writers of TSP to understand anyway (and really more a feature of Mary I’s minority not James V’s).

- Anyway sorry Frost & Graham if there was any reasonable explanation for the ruined castle, the barbaric Scots stereotype, and the ‘English gold’ in this scene, I’m afraid I found it difficult to hear over the sound of your raging political agenda

- Also they’ve gone with a rather confusing motivation shift for Margaret here. Certainly, in 1523-4, Margaret was trying to discreetly recover control over the Scottish government while at the same time keeping Albany on side, but she couldn’t just march in there with the Earl of Arran and his pals and take it back. Her letters from this period (to Englishmen though, so maybe suspect) indicate that she was hoping that, while Albany was out of the country, the Scottish political community would get fed up with him jetsetting off to France all the time, decide that he had forfeited his rights to the regency, and support her aim of having James V declared an adult monarch in his own right (the ‘taking furth’ of the king). 

But in the context of this tv show, where nobody has indicated that Albany’s support is wavering at all, and where they have declared for the last few episodes that Margaret’s big problem is Angus (who, btw, from 1521 until early 1524 seems to have been sitting in a prison in France thanks to Albany) and that Albany is her ally, it is a very confusing character shift. Unfortunately it shows more clearly than ever that they really did not have enough space in their allotted ‘ten minutes of Fake Scotland per episode’ to cover the complexities of Scottish politics and indeed the enigma that is Margaret Tudor.

- That being said *now* I understand why they keep referring to James as the ‘heir’ to Scotland instead of the king. They’ve mixed up the ‘taking furth’ of the king which was supposed to bring the regency to an end, with an actual coronation and declaration that he was king. Once again, these are not the same thing. James was crowned within a fortnight of Flodden on 21st September 1513, in the chapel of Stirling Castle, with the support of all the leaders of the political community who mattered. In November 1524, by contrast, he was theoretically declared an adult ruler, which meant that his regents could be dismissed (and it helped that Albany, who had not returned from France by the date he said he would, had technically forfeited his rights). And if James happened to take his mother Margaret Tudor as chief counsellor on his ‘secret council’ well that was just his royal prerogative, done with the support of the political community as recognised in parliament.

- But still, contemporary rumours about Albany’s shady intentions aside, *to the best of my knowledge* nobody openly/directly challenged James V’s right to the Crown either in 1513 or 1524. James was the king from 1513, and any ensuing squabbles centred more around who should have responsibility for his upbringing and safety, not his rights to the throne.

- See what I mean about a two minute, ridiculously inaccurate scene being educational though? I could discuss the implications this nonsense would have had for sixteenth century Scottish politics for DAYS and when I go back to check my references for this rant, I learn even more. So like well done to TSP in that regard I guess. Maybe all historical tv shows should be horrendously inaccurate, and then they should do a behind the scenes series alongside it where they get actual historians (not like me) to go nuts and rant about the real history.

- Huge LOL at Mary in the next scene saying that Henry VIII supports Margaret’s annulment from Angus by the way. Not like, historically, Angus has just escaped France and arrived in London or anything. I imagine their conversation would have gone something like this:

Henry: Ah Mary, good to see you. You will be happy to know that I have had a change of heart and I support our sister’s annulment from Anguish, so you can write to Meg and tell her not to worry about him.

Mary: Oh that’s good to hear, I was always rooting for her, I- what’s that behind your back. 

Henry: What? Nothing.

Mary: Looks like the earl of Angus.

Henry: What? Er no, it’s er it’s just my Fake Beard. Lots of people get them mixed up.

Mary: Riiight. And you haven’t got a Scottish earl behind your back?

Henry: Not at all! Why would I have our brother-in-law behind my back? I hate that guy. Isn’t he in France anyway? Now would you go and get Wolsey I need to speak to him about, er... my beard. Yes my beard. It’s definitely not about a letter to Lord Dacre or anything.

Mary: Ok, absolutely believable, I will see myself out.

- Ok I’m getting carried away and actually, this rant is getting very long again even thought we’re only a few scenes in, so maybe I will split it into two parts so as not to clog up people’s dashboards. BRB.

#TSP #Meg Tudor #Margaret Tudor #Katherine of Aragon #period drama woes

[thejudgingtrash]

My unpopular opinion: Chiron is a horrible teacher, protector, whatever. He’s as bad dumbledor. He often manipulates children and put them in danger? Also is RR really trying to tell me not one single demigod from before percy’s generation made it to adulthood? Not even demigods of minor gods? If not then why haven’t we heard from them, why weren’t they called to fight in the war so that literal children didn’t have to? I have more but I’m not brave enough to post them lol

Fuck, I gotta check my asks more often. Too much stuff laying around and oh please people! Send your stuff in! Don’t be shy! It’s so interesting to see what’s on your mind! Let’s have that conversation and ask me!! :D I mean a bunch of people agreed and disagreed with my stances (Part 1/Part 2), let’s see how I feel about yours!

Anyway HERE WE GO BOYS! LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO! 

LET’S HAVE THAT WHOLE DAMN ESSAY!

Chiron is clearly a self insert from Riordan. I mean come on…

That’s a solid Chiron if I see one. Which is pretty ironic as Chiron’s the shitty teacher who we all know and love. Got something to admit, Riordan? You as a former teacher? HMM?

Hiding incompetence under the disguise of the gentle old wise teacher is definitely something that Dumbledore and Chiron share. Chiron is the old centaur who lived for aeons and helped out the most famous heroes of their times, so shouldn’t modern times be considered to be an easier job for him? He’s barely present, highkey vague and has absolutely no problems with tossing children literally out into the open across the entire fucking US and A to clean the gods’ bathroom messes.

Had the heroes been in their 20s like in the original myths (or even older) it would’ve made more sense to let them find their own ways. It would be rude,  but somewhat okay. You could expect adults to find the way and connect the dots. But this is just messing with a bunch of 12 year olds because you can at this point.

Chiron is that supposed sweet teacher that just fucks up. We all had one, you know the one. Seems gentle and nice and but has clearly chosen the wrong job. Don’t know if that’s the trauma of living that long and/or seeing kids dying constantly that’s hitting him in the back of the head.

I have the feeling that people are projecting their teacher fantasies on to him just like step-father fantasies that include Paul. Because we want a guide who is trustworthy, we want an authoritative figure that we can share our concerns with and who guides us to solid solutions without betraying our trust.

But like I said, he’s essentially sending out kids to deathly missions and encouraging deep traumas. Yes, we can partially blame Chiron, but most of the blame goes to the gods who enable and encourage this weird dynamic. Would all of them straight up cut the bullshit and mostly resolve their own issues without using their children as pawns, it would’ve been easier for everyone involved. Additionally, there are many kids in camp to keep busy, look after and care for. I don’t know how many there were pre-TLO but I’d assume the number was in the hundreds? Of course, in larger cabins are camp counsellors that help out and guide next to camp schedules. But since Percy’s the only kid in the Poseidon cabin I guess that thought went south? Percy being the special kid would actually mean that there should be a focus on him unless you’re going for the “I’m neutral” spiel. Chiron knew from day one that Percy was walking Poseidon seed, come on.

Also like I somewhat implied, seeing people die left and right might have impacted Chiron to make him feel indifferent/despressed (could also be a stretch, who knows). Which isn’t an excuse, but might explain some takes. Explaining the same stuff for millennia in its essentials is probably getting tiring.

I think this is the third time that I mentioned it on my blog but showing and telling are the most powerful story telling concepts/fundamentals and you see Rowling and Riordan constantly failing at that which is concerning. Instead of Chiron (or Dumbledore) just simply getting down to the point and telling and explaining stuff briefly, he only eludes, vaguely formulates and it is simply confusing especially for a child in a brand new environment who just lost his mother (if we’re speaking about TLT). This does nothing but add more stress in such a fragile situation especially when a new and bigger threat makes its way.

There’s also the discussion on how much of Greek myth Percy actually gets. He has the basic/ obvious knowledge which many tend to forget. He doesn’t come in with no knowledge. He had Latin classes back at the academy, he studies with Annabeth, he knows some of the monsters. What he simply doesn’t know, is the magic of it all. That is the most confusing part for him.

The actual magic is not explained, which it doesn’t have to be in all of its entirety, but needs to be addressed somehow and gradually.

Percy asking a simple question like how the camp stays sunny and covered 24/7 and how the wardens work and Chiron casually sitting here like you a stoopid one

doesn’t help.

What many people forget: Magic doesn’t erase logic. Even in a magical setting, unless clearly stated, there has to be some kind of logic to connect the dots. It doesn’t need to be a clear cut A to B, but it should be comprehensible for both the readers and the characters in a particular situation. And that’s just not happening for Percy as the character. This also sets up the premise of Percy being ”stupid” which he isn’t. He is surrounded by incompetent teachers and staff that don’t bother telling him how things work and assume that he’ll just manage.

Yeah. Both Dumbledore and Chiron are awfulness in a sweet calm disguise.

Onto part two of the ask. I have had so many talks with people on that exact problem. It simply boils down to one issue:

Rick Riordan‘s inconsistency in world building and setting. The story telling doesn’t make any sense.

So kids are dying like flies before 18 but many are also super famous and in powerful positions? Many are historical figures that made it well over 18? Make that make sense. Also was WW2 supposed to be kicked off by some 12 year olds with that logic? The biggest man made catastrophe of the modern era boiled down to a bunch of fighting kids? No. We all know it. Just simply no. I actually don’t mind the WW2 background but Riordan should’ve given it another thought and be a bit more sensitive…? Like the whole fascist gang being team Hades? Uhh… sure…. nope.

Also the same logic applies to Civil War? You’re telling me a bunch of kids were supposed to have started this stance? Who was for and who was against slavery then? What in the actual fuck? Using children as child soldiers to stand in for these large complex historical issues that stretch over years and show many of humanity’s horrifying sides is just….eh.

No. This whole thing about campers dying as soon as they reach the magic number of 18 are either bedtime stories to scare the kids or toughen them up orrrr my guess, Riordan actually managed yet again to fuck up his own lore.

It’s the same logic with New Rome. You have a whole city full of adults but have a few kids run that bitch? You did your ten years of service as a child soldier and then do one of these?

As if adults magically exit this world. Like is that the reason why Percy’s been 17 for a whole damn decade? Because otherwise he gotta hand riptide in and all of the boys scout medals he has collected so far? Adults would’ve had the experience and expertise to win those fights but it would break the magic and charm of the books that a bunch of kids are saving the world for the younger demographic. Let’s do not forget that the targeted audience of the books are middle schoolers. Makes somewhat sense with PJO but with HOO Riordan really shot himself in the leg. He should’ve matured the OG characters at least.

(Also speaking about the actual myths again. A good chunk of them died in their 20s/30s/40s. Odysseus guided as an old man. The heroes weren’t twelve and dipping by the age of 16. The Trojan war went on for 10 years for example. So whereas the real Perseus lived a longer life and had a somewhat happy ending in comparison to his peers, he wasn’t the only one that made it into adulthood.)

Riordan mixing up his own lore is just a shame. Yes, it’s human and he already gets a lot of flag for other stuff. I also get it as a writer with my fanfic where I really have to scroll up to search tiny details that I’ve embedded and not noted down. Perhaps it’s my inner capitalist speaking, but for I’m way more forgiving towards a free product, a gift like a fanfic, rather than something I’ve paid actual money for when it comes to this. The process of publishing a book is large. You mean to tell me that there was no editor at Disney that bothered to fact check? Riordan got a check from us all and doesn’t even bother looking up his own stuff. A little bit more effort, Ricardo. Please. You have an entire damn wiki you could use to check for free if you’re too lazy to read your own books/don’t use authors softwares. Like what?

It’s stupid. You know it, I know it. And as you can see, I fully agree with you.

#ask #ask me anons #percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians #pjo #chiron #chb #rr crit #rick riordan #hoo #heroes of olympus #my rants #camp half-blood #dumbledore #pjo hot takes

[drakesroyalromance]

I’m the Bad Guy (duh)

Summary: Emma has an accident the morning after her engagement to Drake in the safehouse that turns everyone’s world upside down. Nothing will be the same, no matter how hard Drake tries.

Catch up here!

Pairing: Drake x MC (Emma Barnes), Liam x MC

Rating: Let’s say R.

Author’s note: Firstly, even though this isn’t related to the fic per se, @mind-reader1 and I wanted to tell you guys that we are currently not playing Choices. Neither of us are okay with the way they’ve been acting in regards to BLM and how they treat characters of colour in general. Both of us have also messaged Choices in-app and told them that we want concrete action or we stop supporting them. We encourage you to do the same. Here’s a post that can help. You can also message either of us if you want some help on deciding what to say. Here are the links to a few people who’re doing great work by providing art in exchange for donations - x, x, x. Please tag me in any art you commission by donating, especially if it includes Drake lol. Additionally, if you want to be a better ally, then do yourself a favour and message @mind-reader1. She’ll provide you with some excellent resources. And she’s a trained counsellor, so trust me when I say she knows what she’s talking about.

Secondly, a reminder that this fic deals with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI.) If this is triggering for you, please don’t read this fic. This is the last time there’s going to be a TW for this.

If you’re just here for the fic and had to skim through all of that, I’m sorry. Without further ado:

Tag list: Drake x MC: @aries-light

@notoriouscs

This fic: @marshmallowsandfire @twinkle-320 @ravenpuff02 @ac27dj @silverofdreams @katedrakeohd

Chapter 5, part 1: Bad reputation

Drake really didn’t want to ask Maxwell for help, he felt terrible, emotionally and physically, and Maxwell was a lot to handle at times. Drake wasn’t sure when the last time he had eaten was. Not that it mattered - he’d thrown it all up at the hospital and palace. He was determined to do something though and Maxwell felt like the best option.

They approached his door and heard Maxwell singing along to a collection of sad ballads, apparently Emma had crushed him when she didn’t like his welcome home balloons. Drake had warned him that Emma wasn’t the same, but Maxwell was ever optimistic and hopeful, and got his heart crushed.

“Maxwell?” Liam knocked and cautiously opened the door. Maxwell was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, a wad of tissues surrounding him.

“Emma hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you Maxwell, you’re one of her best friends.” Drake tried to reassure him but it felt like a lie. Emma very well could hate Maxwell now, he had no idea.

“I think she was just overwhelmed, Maxwell.” Liam also made an attempt to comfort him. Maxwell sniffled.

[[MORE]]

“Listen, Maxwell, I, um. I need your help.”

Maxwell sniffled again, sitting up to look at Drake.

“Why? She’ll think anything I come up with is stupid and childish!”

“Maxwell, this isn’t you. The Maxwell I know would do anything to help his best friends be happy again. You were Emma’s first friend here, you were her biggest supporter during the social season. You even made Drake, the biggest grump of them all, one of your best friends. The Maxwell I know wouldn’t give up so easily.” Liam offered a small smile to accompany his words and Maxwell nodded, jumping off the bed.

“You’re right! I’m Maxwell Beaumont! What do you need help with Drake?”

Drake was relieved Maxwell bounced back so quickly, he truly had high hopes for Maxwell’s ideas.

“Emma..she doesn’t love me anymore.” He felt his throat closing up, he was choking on the words, they felt acrid on his tongue. He could see Maxwell trying to contain his emotions, he appreciated it.

“What?”

“When she hit her head, the doctor said there might be changes. It’s like I told you before we got here. I guess that’s one of the..changes.” Drake cleared his throat, watching Liam as he awkwardly looked at the floor.

“Okay,” Maxwell paused, looking pensive. Then suddenly his face lit up. “The Vow!”

“The what?”

“Have you ever seen The Vow?” Both Liam and Drake shake their heads.

“How are we friends? We’re having a movie night and watching it ASAP.”

“Maxwell, focus.” Drake says impatiently.

“Right. Okay, so, this couple is in a car accident. When his wife wakes up, she doesn’t remember anything about him.”

Drake interrupts, “Emma remembers everything, Maxwell. She just doesn’t care!”

He wished that she didn’t remember, the idea that she had forgotten felt less painful than Emma changing her mind, then Emma falling in love with his best friend just hours after agreeing to marry him.

“Okay.” Maxwell kept his voice even and soft, “It’s the same idea though, right? In The Vow, Channing Tatum makes Rachel McAdams fall in love with him all over again.”

Drake groaned and dragged a hand down his face. “This isn’t Hollywood Maxwell, this is our real lives!”

“The Vow is based off of a true story! It has to work, Drake! You and Emma have a beautiful love story, it’s gonna work. You just have to make her fall in love with you again. Let’s recreate some of your best romantic moments! Start thinking! When did you really begin to fall for Emma?”

Maxwell’s idea actually had some merit. Despite pushing Emma away, she’d managed to fall in love with him, so it should be easier when he’s actually trying. Right?

“What do you need from us Drake?” Liam broke him out of his thoughts. He was looking Drake right in the eye. He could see how much it hurt Liam too, but here he was, willing to help.

“Well, the first moment I can think of happened in the Beaumont study.” Drake didn’t want to share more details, he didn’t want to make Liam uncomfortable, but Maxwell probed, “what? In our house? What happened there?”

“We had our first kiss there,” Drake reluctantly shared.

“You had your first kiss the same day I took her on our first date?” Liam asked. Drake awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck.

“We can’t get her to the estate without it seeming suspicious, would Liam’s study work?” Maxwell suggested, changing the topic for which Drake felt grateful. Drake could see Liam repress a flinch, probably imagining worst case scenarios. Neither Emma nor Drake had the heart to tell him just how long their..affair had been going on behind his back, but the cat was out of the bag now.

“I couldn’t.”

“It’s fine with me. Will it work, Drake?” Liam’s voice was strained, his jaw tight. Drake just nodded.

“Then let’s get to work!” Maxwell grinned.

//

Emma was getting ready for the day when there was a knock on the door, followed by Maxwell poking his head in.

“Oh, good, you’re already up, little blossom. This dress somehow accidentally found its way to my room. It was the one you wore to the Beaumont Bash. You should wear it today!”

Emma raised her eyebrow at him, something about his behavior felt off. Besides, Maxwell never suggested Emma re-wear a dress.

“Why? What’s going on?”

“I was just feeling nostalgic is all.”

She narrowed her eyes at him but took the dress and decided to wear it, Maxwell did have great taste.

“Thanks.” She was expecting him to leave but she could sense him hovering in the doorway. “Is there something else?” she snapped.

“I think there was something about paperwork that needed to be signed for your duchy. It’s probably in Liam’s office if you want to see.”

She nodded and Maxwell slipped out.

//

Drake paced back and forth in Liam’s study, waiting for Emma to arrive. He was terrified, his stomach twisting and turning in knots. There was no reason Emma wouldn’t show up. Whether she would stay or not, however, was debatable.

Minutes felt like hours. Maxwell promised he would send Emma over. Their plan was pretty hard to screw up, but it was Maxwell.

Just as he had this thought, he heard her soft knock on the door and mentally apologized to Maxwell. He sucked in a breath. She was here. He needed to calm down, he couldn’t look like a blubbering idiot, she’d tear him apart. Breathe.

“Come in.”

She swept into the room and Drake lost his breath again. She was wearing the same dress as that night. No doubt Maxwell’s doing. Drake wasn’t prepared for that though, he could feel himself being wrenched back in time.

“I thought I was here to sign papers? What is this?” Her voice was cold and just like that, Drake was back in the present. He cleared his throat.

“Um, yeah, right here. Liam’s busy.”

She walked over to the desk and Drake came up behind her, his breath hot on her neck as he leaned over to show her where to sign. He could see the goosebumps rise on her skin, at least she still had some kind of a reaction to him.

“Do you remember that night in the Beaumont study together?”

She turned to face him, her lips just inches from his. His body trembled, aching to touch her.

“We found the money for Savannah.” She whispered.

“And I had a hand on your waist like this.” He slowly placed his hand on her waist, giving her time to move away if she wanted to. Pressing her body to his, he prayed she couldn’t feel the tremble. Drake could see her chest stop rising and falling. She was holding her breath, so he continued.

“Then I tangled my hand in your hair and you did the same.” He did just that, tilting her head back so all he needed to do was close the distance between them. Her hands snaked into his hair and Drake’s heart soared. It was working.

“You told me that it was a bad idea. That there was no us.” She breathed out.

“And then you said ‘what about what I want?’ That was it, I was done for, before our lips even touched.” He whispered against her lips before committing to it. He tightened his grip on her waist, adjusting his hand in her hair so his lips fit perfectly against hers. He moaned as she tightened her grip on his hair, but then it was rough, too rough.

She yanked his head back by his hair, forcing him away from her. He involuntarily twisted to loosen her grip on him. She let go and smoothed out her dress. Crossing her arms and popping out her hip, she stared at him. If looks could kill, Drake would be dead right then and there. It was somehow scarier than any look Olivia had ever given him.

“Was this your big idea? Try to seduce me with memories of us? Hope that true love’s kiss would somehow make me fall madly in love with you and we’d live happily ever after?” She mocked.

“You said it yourself that night, there is no us. You had it right the first time, Drake,” she continued.

Drake could have sworn he saw the venom leave her lips with every word. She’d played him for a fool, a lovesick fool.

#drake x mc #drake walker #the royal romance #the royal romance fanfic #trr #trr fanfic #choices #choices fanfic #playchoices #pixelberry #pb #my writing

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

20. Sink

Word Count: 3989 Trigger warnings for religion and mentions of child pornography

Previous

Lord, if it’s you,” (Simon) Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then (Simon) Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Matthew 14:28-30

Simon had never been very religious. Scratch that… Simon had never been very mystical about religion. Whenever he was younger, his family went to church and he was quite studious and learned a lot in that time period. His father still believed in God and country or whatever and his grandmother, he imagined was praying over his mom every single day. But, he had never really known what it felt like to have that kind of faith in anyone or anything… until he was given Grace. It wasn’t lost on him the religious implications of being a boy named Simon (like Simon Peter, aka The Apostle Peter - huge name in the Bible world) being granted a savior, being blessed with Grace after a terrible sin, whether intentional or not, of killing Hope… His mind was in a daze right now. 

It was the fourth religious dream he had since that interview, and in this one, he was Simon Peter, calling to his Savior in the storm. Grace was just across the water. All he had to do was get to her and she would rescue him from all of this, just like she always used to. But, he looked at the impending storm, instead. He had Grace, but he was focused on the storm, and he sank… He jumped up from his sleep and literally felt like he had been drowning. Ugh. 10 years of church and 4 years of private school could definitely mess with one’s mind. Then again, so could 6 years of Grace and 5 years without it… her… 

He had begun to try to stop rationalizing that she wasn’t human. Unfortunately for him, before he considered her the void, she hadn’t been human for him either, then. She had been a deity. He worshipped her. She had been a vessel to save him, to help him, to comfort him. She had been what he built his faith system upon, his religion, his Apex, his lifestyle… Then, she was gone and he tried to continue without her. He tried to rebuild in his own image, in his own name. He tried to walk on water, as he had seen her do, now all he was doing was sinking…

In the aftermath of the interview, Simon noted that his faithful followers went on one of their ravenous attacks in Shana’s comment sections. She could even just post a photo of herself in the newsroom at Spelman as an inspirational post and they appeared in her comments to berate her for speaking about inspiration when she would attack an abuse survivor and have his abuser on her show, trying to make her sympathetic. Shana seemed entertained for some of the comments, replying things like a simple “K” or “Lol” and never addressing the person again, even if they supplied a melee of character attacks at her.

But, on the video link, whenever people started also attacking Grace’s fakeness and the fact that she still gets to abuse Simon indirectly by doing things like this, Shana had enough. She let them know that she had no regrets about the interview with Grace, no regrets about anything that she said about Simon, and none about all of her opinions of him. “Even if he’s a different person today, considering that he never got any backlash for the sex tape from high school, which i firmly STILL believe that he should be held accountable for, which I am convinced that he leaked, and I think that if he’s truly changed, he would have wanted to make that right at some point and free Grace from the uninvited attacks for that CRIME AGAINST HER, committed by him.”

There was an explosion of mixed reactions. Everything from, “This is the first that I’m hearing of this” to “Simon would never have done anything like that to Grace” to “WHERE CAN I FIND A SEX TAPE OF SIMON AND GRACE???” Many people were blocked. Many people were rocked, as Shana went live to address the massive amount of comments coming from her spilling that tea.

She made mention of the facts that while the statute of limitations of revenge porn had been exceeded, they didn’t exist for child porn. “And in case anybody is confused, yes, I am including links to inform you about how what he did is in fact child pornography creation, possession, and distribution, AND what the law says concerning them.” After replying to many of the comments, mostly in an amused fashion, she got bored. 

“Listen, I’m getting ready to go chill with my lady and get ready for class tomorrow, but I’ll just say this one more thing, “I’m not taking my foot off of Simon Laurent’s neck. As long as Grace has had to suffer in silence, because she’s no longer the vengeful type or whatever, she’s on right now in her journey, the journalist in me and the enraged victim in me will always come for Simon and the way he used the privilege that he did have - not to say that he didn’t lack in certain areas like money and common decency, but the ones he DID have - his race, his gender, his orientation, his proximity to education, etc, in order to vilify and humble this girl with false accusations of crimes, and get away with unconfessed crimes. Yeah, this IS about my Sassy Strawberry keychain, Simon you bitch! I know you watching. To those of you who can’t be bothered to use your Googles, I don’t know what to tell you, kinfolk. Shady Shana has said all that she needs to say for now. Tata, from the perfect place for shade.”

Then her accusations, the search for the information of said accusations and the buzz from back then resurfacing went even more viral than the things that he had said about Grace whenever he reached notoriety from the stories. Now that the Internet and social media were even bigger and just kept growing with time, Grace still being a huge public persona, despite the few short years that she wasn’t online and the time she had been inside, she made an explosive comeback at least as an Internet personality, and Simon was never as frequent online as he was a short time in the eye of the public to get himself established, but several professors had used his story for various seminars and lectures, his books did pretty well, and he was a very established young mind in his academic circles… So, he was a big deal in his world, but on the grand scale becoming infamous for this new attention. 

Shana and Grace’s worlds were very large, and both of those were combining to infiltrate his world with these not necessarily new pieces of information, but things that he thought would have been forgotten or left alone. He had not even considered that Shana would ever… Like… why was SHE so damn upset? Because of a small scuffle? Because of somebody else’s alleged injustice? Somebody that she didn’t even LIKE for most of her life? “Journalist” she was a shit-stirrer! All of her muckraking was making things complicated for simple Simon. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like dreaming about Grace as his savior. He didn’t like the idea of reaching out to her to get her to grab her dog. He didn’t like that he was suffering from nights more sleepless than usual and beginning to become counterproductive in his work.

Worrying about ramifications of the words “child pornography” and “sexual predator” being tossed about in conversations with his name led to nightmares, paranoia, guilt, intrusive thoughts, and mistakes in class and at work. One of them turned out big…

Amelia came up to him in her lab, with her arms folded and her face stern, “Is there anything you think we should discuss, Mr. Laurent?” He frowned and glanced her way, still working on the formula for the next tests in the prosthetics serum they were spending time discussing as one of his potential next big things. She raised her eyebrows and asked, “Not even an acknowledgment of what I’m speaking of?”

“I know what you’re speaking of and I decided that no, we don’t need to discuss it. It’s a personal matter.”

“A personal matter? Simon, you are supposed to be seeing a counsellor once a week, and now I find out that not only did he recommend that you see him twice a week, but that you haven’t seen him in several weeks! It is part of your ability to stay here, and I don’t appreciate that you’ve ducked out on this requirement, especially considering the personal matter you’re referring to.” 

He furrowed his eyebrows and set down his supplies. “This is about the shrink? I haven’t been able to see the guy, because I’ve been working on the new formula nonstop. I need a breakthrough, and if I can get the formula right for enhancing the prosthetics, I’ll be famous for that. I’ll be closer to the goal of enriching artificial organs, maybe even organic ones!”

“I know what this work would mean if successful. That isn’t the point. The point is that you are not allowed to be here without the help that you need and you agreed to. I’m going to have to speak to the committee, now that I know you haven’t been…” She turned and he caught her wrist really hard. The woman jerked away. She was stronger than he thought.

“Amelia… Please. I need this. People are out to get me. Out to destroy everything that I’ve built for myself, without parents, without love, without an inheritance. I got here on my own merit, my own mind! I can’t have it be the thing that gets me sent away.”

“You needed to consider that after we gave you another chance! We can’t keep going back and forth with you while you refuse to take the help that you need in order to get to your next rung!” She was loud. He felt like she was yelling at him. He didn’t like people yelling at him, especially women, especially older ones… It made him extremely angry and he yelled right back at her, only to find that she either hadn’t been yelling or she had an even louder yelling setting.

“I’M DOING MY GODDAMN BEST!”

“MAYBE YOUR BEST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!”

And in addition to the yelling, the thing yelled was extremely hurtful. But, Simon was an angry hurt type. So, he was hurt, but it manifested in anger, “LIKE YOURS WASN’T! YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I CAN BE A BETTER YOU!” She laughed. That made him even angrier. “ADMIT IT! YOU’RE SO HARD ON ME BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN YOU!”

“Simon, you’re a child. A foolish, often incorrect child. There are many things that I credit as better than me. You aren’t one of them.” He was breathing hard and clenching his fists. “I advise you to immediately set an appointment with your therapist and I demand that you leave the lab at once. At the very least, you need to take a break. At worse… you broke our agreement, Simon.” She began to touch his research, to put everything away, as he stormed out, trying not to let her see him cry and trying not to explode in the lab and further mess things up for himself. He didn’t get far before there was a different explosion in there. Not an extremely loud one, but loud enough that he turned around as others rushed in. 

Simon got on the phone, calling the last counselor that he had spoken to as everyone else scurried about trying to get help and rushing in various directions. “She was just arguing with Laurent, he rushed out and then this happened,” he heard someone say and he watched the three students who had been talking stop and look right at him.  “Are you calling 911?” One of them asked. He shook his head, because he hadn’t been. Once again, it wasn’t his first thought when he witnessed an emergency. One of them grabbed their phone out, presumably to do so and he… left. He probably should have stayed, but he couldn’t breathe and needed some space and needed to rage.

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It didn’t take others long to start whispering. Simon had found a dumpster to kick for a while before returning to the scene and seeing them rushing Amelia into an ambulance. Police were there and wanted to talk with him. He knew that people would talk. They had been talking. He also knew that sometimes he imagined that people were talking more than they actually were and he hoped that perhaps, this would be one of those times that he imagined the criticism. It was not.

On top of the internet’s allegations of child pornography, learning that the state of California might be investigating these allegations, for the Monroe Estate, and being questioned about his chemical engineering “mistake” with the formula that became unstable as Professor Hughes attempted to put it away… 

Simon was whatever the opposite of numb was. He felt all things, everything, anything, all at once and at a peak. He hadn’t felt this way in a really long time and the only times he had, he had Grace to think of and settle him. After that, he had his own greatness to reflect upon… but that was slipping away from him and Grace had slipped away… No… He had shoved her away, and he needed her so much right now. Because he didn’t know if he could pull himself up from sinking. “Lord save me!” He heard himself yelling from the water in the storm… But Grace couldn’t hear him. She was too far away, and she wasn’t his savior anymore. He looked up for something to latch onto, but all there was, was the Void.

Its big black, form, with an aura of fluid black smoke, and hovered over him and charged at him, its face stopping just short of his own and he looked up to see it. It was nothing but a pale mask, much like one of the ones that Grace used to wear. Maybe… Maybe she was still inside of the void somewhere. Maybe she would rescue him after all. “Grace?” he called, “Is that you?” It had nothing in it’s face. No feeling, no warmth. There was no way that Grace was there. It had no reply. He blinked it away and looked at the police. They had just released him… so… something had saved him… for now. Probably just dumb luck, or lack of evidence. There had to be a lack of evidence, because he knew that he had done nothing wrong.

Despite having done nothing wrong, he had apparently made some type of mistake with the formula, but he figured it was more likely that Amelia had made some mistake in putting it away. It was too soon to voice that opinion. Students were upset, like she was some lovable figure. She was a bitch. He didn’t feel bad at all that she was hurt and he hoped that nobody expected him to act like he did. But, they were talking again. He felt like whenever he was a freshman at the academy and the staff and students didn’t appreciate him because they hadn’t seen his value yet… but these people knew him. He was important! He was significant now! He had done everything to become valuable and honored, including giving up Grace when she was holding him back! 

“Simon, it sounds like you’re just blaming everyone else for your problems again.”

“I’m only saying what happened. I matter, and they treat me like I don’t. They look at me like I’m a criminal. They’re handling me like I haven’t done great things! Like they haven’t heard of me or something! Who do they think they are?”

“To not value you? Maybe they’re just strangers, Simon. You’ve spoken to me a few times, and I don’t know you, either. That doesn’t take away from anything that you might have done, but it doesn’t give me the insight that you have of yourself. The same can be said about any of the people here,” the counsellor said. Simon resumed his meetings, but it was too little too late, as he was called back to the committee.

.

Grace was really just trying to enjoy her life. She only did the interview with Shana because Shana had REALLY come through in finding Hazel for her. She explained to the people keeping Hazel how she knew her and how she found her (not mentioning Shana’s name, but that she “hired an investigator”) mainly because she just wanted to see how Hazel was doing. The short answer was “not great,” but the long answer was Grace hated the fact that everyone that she talked to about Hazel didn’t seem to really know her or how to deal with her. That made her afraid that Hazel would continue to get bounced around, and eventually be lost to her again. After being approved as someone who could visit and spend time with Hazel (a longer process than she would have liked, and one that she knew could have been shortened if she just went crawling back to her parents), but one that was worth the work, because not only was she able to see Hazel and talk to her, but she also got her a phone, in case they were separated again and Hazel needed to reach out to her. 

The last thing that Grace wanted to do was be dragged into Simon’s situation. So, whenever people asked her about him, sent her messages, intruded into her comments, @ her in posts… she declined from responding. She made a statement on her linked social media accounts, reminding everyone that 1. She doesn’t speak about Simon. 2. She said everything that she intended to say to people outside of the situation to Shana in the interview. 3. She is not responsible for Shana’s feelings about the incident in question (the recording and sharing of the recording) 4. She has never spoken to anyone but Simon about the incident in question and doesn’t plan on going much more in depth with anybody about it any time soon. 

Whenever asked about the recording, since she did say in the statement that she had spoken with Simon about it, and it was presumed that meant that maybe they had made it together and it got leaked, as those things tend to do, she confirmed that she didn’t know anything about the recording until after everyone else had seen it, that she doesn’t like to think about it or that time in her life because it was one of her most embarrassing and painful experiences and she doesn’t want to have to relive it simply because people are curious about these details that don’t affect them one way or another…

People were relentless and dedicated to being in other people’s business. What about Simon? It affects Simon! Why aren’t you helping clear Simon’s name? Why are you still hurting Simon? What about affecting Simon? She’d punch every last one of these people in the mouth, just like she did Simon when she found out, if they were in front of her. Even, now, being  someone trying very hard to be peaceful and patient… “Simon already knows everything about that time that I would be able to say, so telling anyone else anything wouldn’t help him or me. If I was silent about it whenever it might have actually changed my trajectory in a favorable way, I’m certainly not going to begin going off about it now that I’ve been given another chance at a positive life, despite the things that caused me pain. Simon knows more than I do and more than you. Perhaps you should ask him, if you want someone who doesn’t seem to mind speaking about these subjects.”

That was what did it. Simon watched in a panic as former Apex members, arose to defend Grace and admit that during the time, Simon was open with certain people about having orchestrated the recording and using it to oust Grace from her throne. “We were mean kids, and I don’t know if we thought far ahead enough to really see what something like that could do to somebody. We all found it either funny or scary and weren’t brave enough to stand up for her back then, but Grace did nothing wrong and people should let her live her life instead of bringing this back up and hurting her again.” They basically all said some variation of that.

He became immediately notorious as #GraceDidNothingWrong began trending and multiple Apex members, former nonessentials, declared nulls, and actual victims of some of Simon’s direct attacks come forward, opening up about their experiences with Simon’s Apex, the Apex in general, including anecdotes, quotes, confessions, etc to further prove Simon’s guilt. To top it off Simon was put on academic probation as everything unfolded including the way he had been handling his psychiatric deal with the committee being unmet and the negligence that led to Professor Hughes’ accident. When he began losing various deals, gets major backlash for the accident, on top of the allegations of child pornography being investigated, he began to spiral as he considered possible charges from CA to MA. He deleted all of his social media accounts and shadow cyberstalked Grace, only to see that she really wasn’t participating in all of this.

He was SO CLOSE to his first Master’s degree. He couldn’t let all of this throw away his future! He was young and stupid and maybe he was wrong, but he wasn’t going to say that and he definitely didn’t feel like he deserved to be punished for it right now! 

He had been trying not to think about that interview, but the more he tried not to think about it, the more he obsessed over it - over her wondering how he was doing, over the potential for her to actually still care. It was so stupid. It was foolish. There was no way that she really felt like that, but all of his distraction had caused him to possibly make some type of stupid mistake. The police were investigating, but he was the main one working in the lab, so whatever happened was most likely due to some type of misstep on his part. He certainly had not rigged anything to explode in Professor Hughes’ face, like some seemed to be trying to suggest! 

The fact that they did not get along wasn’t very helpful to him. The argument right before it happened made it even more suspicious, and where they should have been able to speak with his psychiatrist to ensure that he was doing fine… he hadn’t been consistent with any long enough for them to know that he was doing fine… which brought attention back on him from the committee, which he guessed felt like he was jumping through loopholes in their deal. He saw the Void again, it's voice like a chorus of succubi singing, “I’ve come to take everything from you. It’s what you deserve.”

He rushed to the airport. He didn’t even have a place to stay. He rushed to the Monroe’s, snuck into their gate and beat on the door. It was 2 am, but he couldn’t wait. The Void was after him, and he NEEDED his Grace.

Next

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

[angstyaches]

34-46 for Shane pls lol

34. What’s their room look like right now?

Shayne’s currently keeping his room at Ryan and Nancy’s very neat and tidy so he doesn’t have to feel like a burden, or like he owes them anything, and other Grumpy Boy Things.

35. What are they like as a friend?

If you’re his friend, he will do anything you need him to do, whether it’s just getting something from your car or disappearing into the woods for days on end.

36. What are they like as a partner?

Same as above, with the addition that his love can sometimes look a lot like anger if he feels threatened. There can be difficult times where he seems distant, but that’s just when his partner needs to really let him know they’re there for him.

37. Do they have any phobias?

His two main fears stem from being controlled by Madelyn and Watson for so long, the biggest being restraint. If he’s even touched by someone he doesn’t know and trust, it can send him right back to when he used to be manhandled and forced to devour demons. The second one is triggered when it seems like someone is trying to control his food intake, by either denying him food or forcing it on him.

38. Did/do they go anywhere special for vacations?

Nope! Shayne had never left the town he grew up in until the day he first met Felix. His first “holiday” was technically Christmas at the Waters’ house.

39. Your character walks into a cafe. What do they order?

I love to think about the first few times he goes to a cafe with someone, he’d be so overwhelmed, he’d probably look at the person he’s with, gesture for them to go first and then order whatever they get. After a while though, he starts ordering soy lattes (he tries drinking black coffee like Charlie, but it’s just a bad idea, with how bad his stomach is).

40. What time do they go to bed, usually?

If he’s not already sleep by nine o’clock, he’ll probably be up until 2 or 3 a.m.

41. What’s their morning routine like?

On days where he’s feeling good and has things to do, he gets up with enough time to shower and dry his hair and get dressed without having to rush. His habit is to skip breakfast most mornings, but he’ll usually drink some water at least. On days where he’d not feeling so good, he’ll just keep lying in the same position until someone coaxes him out of it.

42. What’s the dumbest thing your character’s done?

Fell in love with a demon? Also, went to the home of a mentally-unstable school counsellor. Also, moved four hours away without consulting Charlie. Also, just getting in his own head all the time. He’s just a poor, silly boy.

43. What pokemon would your character be (if they’re already a pokemon/gijinka tell us what they are, and how that’s affected them)?

He would be a reverse Jigglypuff, that’s constantly grumpy until turned otherwise.

44. What’s their pokemon team? Try to pick all 6.

I never played Pokemon so I don’t know how forming teams works, but I imagine he’d go with the dark or ghost types! 

45. Theme song (and a playlist if you’ve got it!)

“Eye for an Eye” by 8 Graves. And yes, of course, I’ve got a playlist, who do you think you’re talking to? (”OK”, also by 8 Graves, “Little Poor Me” by Layto, “Lovely” (I know it’s by Bill/ie Eil/ish, but I prefer this cover) by Lauren Babic and Seraphim, “Colors” by Kulick (this one’s for him and Charlie), “PSYCHO” by AViVA, to name but a few!

46. If this character was in a musical, what would their motif be (what kind of instruments do you hear, what’s the tempo, ect).

Hmmmm. I’m picturing electric guitar, but played sort of softly. I don’t know enough about tempo to comment on that lol

#thank you Milo these were fun! #OC Shayne #My OCs #ask meme #ask game #Shayne #OC stuff

[quirkydeaky]

Life is Real {Chapter One}

ROGER TAYLOR 

how will Roger cope when he finds that his new best friend,  whom he's falling in love with, is slowly dying?

HI! So I’m back and hoping this series will not flop, lol. A few people have been interested in seeing this, so here I am with what people want! If you want, drop a comment or send me an ask and I’ll add you to my tag list. Mwah!

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Also... This story is a multi-part fan-fiction with heavy, mature themes. The Original (and Main) Female Character has a type of Cancer. The type will not be mentioned, but there may be some scenes with heavy implements of medication, treatment or heavily implied scenes at a hospital. 

I DO understand that this topic hits close to home for a lot of people, and if this angst-based series is not something for you, please ignore. Thank you.

[also, send me asks because I need mutuals and also need entertainment!]

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W/C: 2k+

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of personal struggle.

Main Characters: 80s!Roger Taylor, MammaMia2!Lily James (Lillian)

[the start will be a bit slow, but please hang in there! this will begin to swing into place in chapter two, fully being immersed in the plot once we hit chapter three! amazing! love you guys. show love, and enjoy.]

Don't you know... I'm still standing; better than I ever did." Lillian quietly sang, her mind foggy, hazy... cloudy with confusion at the thoughts cramming her brain. "Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid." Why were these thoughts circling in her mind? She was fine, that's what everyone thought. It's what it looked like... looking like she had the normal life, maybe some even classified her as privileged after coming out of Oxford University with a post-graduate degree in English and Creative Writing. One with creatives wonders and endless ideas, she was. Her apartment was a bare representation of her mind that was constantly running at the speed of light, a new idea popping up maybe every five minutes, but, the only real action taken in her apartment was the jingle of her keys as she placed them down on the bench of her kitchen, her shoes she chose to wear that day - their clunk hitting the wall as she slipped them off and walked the rest of her way towards her room where she would immediately strip herself of the day's clothes and swap for an oversized hooded jumper. The twenty-seven-year-old always had the audacity to write about her dream life, always adding to the one project she would constantly come back to, like she always has. It had been her side piece throughout university, her majors and lectures always taking priority, a negative fact of her life, as she always wanted to work on this specific piece. The one about her life, not her life in this reality, but the next. Almost a replication of her life if it could be done over again. Her life would be a buzz in this reality. She'd have a better childhood, not one where her father left at the age of eight after providing a solid year and a half of social and financial abuse, leaving herself and her mother with nothing. They grew from that, though. Her mother found better, and even though Lillian hated the guy at first, they grew to become mutual towards each other. Nothing more. She'd have a sibling or two in this life. She'd always wanted one, always wondered why all of her friends had one and she didn't, an only child. But with life moving quickly and a fast independence building for herself, those friends soon faded from her life when she finally found her dream career she was going to work hard to get anywhere near the end goal. A form of desperation, giving her one of the few things she wanted in this life, which would be the only reward she'd receive in this life, too. But the next, she'd be twenty seven, hopefully engaged. Maybe even be a little risky, perhaps, and have her own child be a part of her bridal party. Her son, a page boy? Her daughter, a flower girl? But this life, her real life, held something different. She was twenty seven, at home in her bare, white coloured walls of an apartment writing this supposed dream she wanted to live; this supposed... fantasy, she wanted to fill. But instead of filling this void with her next dream and fantasy, she was filling it by achieving her goal of becoming educated enough to write a book. So that's what she did. Working one, singular shift a week at the local grocer, this is what she lived off. The basics. That's all she needed. She'd had her own form of independence for a while, ever since she finished school, her mother now an obnoxious brat who had her new man, completely forgetting about her daughter that was still under her care at age seventeen, as that's when she completed that form of education before shipping herself straight off to university. Don't get her wrong, she was glad she got this early offer for Oxford, her grades and teacher's recommendations actually getting her somewhere. Yes, don't take her as an ungrateful woman, glad that she was given somewhere to go after being shipped off to Oxford, her mother providing substantial money to find and buy an apartment. Yes, that's right, buy. Her mother even covered costs of attending university, and she was eternally grateful, but also disappointed she couldn't fulfil her duties of being independent as she wanted to, but she wasn't selfish, either. Ten years later and she could count on one hand how many times she's had a call from her, yet, after promising on those calls that both herself (her mother) and her 'father', would come visit. She couldn't even begin to count on one hand how many times they've come to see her. Zero. And, besides the point, she never had the heart to tell her mum that she was going through some tough things in life, fearing she would be met with words similar to 'stop being silly, you're just uneducated', or even better, 'you just don't know how to go about life', - all before she got to the actual reason she called. But that wasn't it at all, because she was perfectly fine in the aspect of having resources. She had an excellent education, a roof over her head and skills to get her somewhere in life, whether she had much of it left, that is. That's why she didn't have the heart, nor the confidence to tell her mother that she was dying, over the phone. She also feared that her mother wouldn't care. Wouldn't believe her. So here she was, strolling the streets in, the dizziness the succumbs her in the morning, the feeling of nausea that doesn't drift until around lunchtime a lot of the time. She tries to prevent wearing black in pure daylight, it attracts sun and heat, which could make her pale and fragile skin burn, making it turn red and peel at a much faster rate than what the rest of the human race would know. Refraining from wearing black also means the people who walk behind her oddly skinny figure don't have to see the constant fall of her blonde hairs that shed from her head, sticking to the material of her clothes. She doesn't want to freak anyone out. But today, Lillian wore black. She typically wears a long sleeve on the top half and long pants on the bottom half, prevents from scaring people, and more importantly herself away, from her constantly bruising skin, the weakness of her own skin bruising at the slightest touch with a little extra force, for example, hitting her elbow on the kitchen bench. Bruise, almost a few hours later, black and blue skin in a circular shape. With a negative mindset almost half the time, her mental health isn't always they greatest, as she sees how her body is affected from treatment, how strong it's getting as her body somehow, after some rounds, grows weaker. Independence was important to Lillian, as mentioned before. She had one, a real friend who stuck close by for a while, but dropped out of the degree they were in together half way through to move to Scotland. Sophie was her name, but after tears and shouted goodbyes at the airport, a promised call every week soon turned into calls once a month, and then once every birthday, maybe on Christmas day if she were lucky. Lillian doesn't even know if Sophie remembers her. So she didn't tell her. No one knows. It's hard that no one knows about that battles Lillian has with herself every day, fighting through the pain, the surprises and the side effects. She doesn't have an outlet, anyone to go to. Her confidence is drained to the point of no return, so she wouldn't even consider going to visit someone like a counsellor. It's been three years and seven months as of the beginning of July 1980. Today. January 1977, not the nicest way to start off the year when you're diagnosed with cancer and given, at that point in time, a message, one saying to 'live the next five years of your life to the fullest', because the doctor's didn't even know if Lillian would be here for her thirtieth birthday. This really isn't how she imagined her life to go. She knew since she was fifteen that she wanted to be an author. Yes, she was eternally grateful that she had an excellent education, the beginning of her life set up for her. But she also wanted to become an author, whether that meant she published a book and it made two people's bookshelves at home or if it meant she became the most known author in the world for the next ten years. She didn't know, she didn't care, she just wanted to get a book published. Lillian is twenty-seven years old. Her birthday is in April. In all honesty, she has a maximum of two years to get this book out, and if she does, she will die a happy woman, as long as she gets one of her works published. She didn't care if she didn't have a boyfriend, a husband for that matter. Yes, she may have been a little upset at the fact that the chance of her having children was becoming closer to impossible than highly unlikely, but what could she do? She was a woman walking around, her 'cancer tag' of sorts, invisible to the rest of the world, to the naked eye of the people that walk past her on a day-to-day basis. She'll sometimes get bruises on her shoulders when people unnecessarily barge into her. But what she felt right now was a sense of loss of direction. Her recent chemotherapy session was a little stronger than the last, and one of the side effects was a lack of remembering things. Forgetting things all of a sudden. Surroundings, thoughts, all those types of things. This thought overwhelmed her, as she tried to escape her routine of staying home in isolation for most of the week and escape to the different parts of England, wanting to explore. If she didn't have long left, she needed to do it. Lillian really didn't know where she was; picking up the pace as she sees street signs not far ahead through her blurry vision, both from tears and as a side effect. Speed walking was a common thing Lillian did, sometimes to escape the world when it all got too much. Running was something she refrained from doing, the speed her legs were to travel at making her muscles stiff after a while. Another side effect. She knew the city she was in. Norfolk. She was still in England, but she doesn't remember what specific part she's in. This is the difficult part, trying to remember. Slowing down as she enters a street with townhouses, mostly single or double storey, nothing extravagant. A quieter part of the town. Friendly looking. Lillian calms down a little, walking slow with an effort to make her heart rate drop back to average resting rate, so she wouldn't visibly stress once more. But her heart rate only sped up as she realises she's reached the end of the street. A no through road, no way to get to any other part of own unless she turns around, but that was the opposite of what she wanted to do. Her breathing increases, the effort to summon her energy to turn around and walk back to where she originally came from disappears, so she turns back and walks forward towards the door in which she was standing not too far away from. Knocking. A thing that makes her nervous. The chance of having to communicate with someone. She wasn't introverted, god no. She was as extroverted as could be... or, more or so used to be. She believed she still was, but, that was for both her and whoever answered the door to find out. Her breathing may be rapid, and her mouth may be dry, desperate for water. She was dehydrated- but her breathing only increases once more, her mouth becoming impossibly dryer than she's met with a confused face of a man, blonde. He's beautiful, and she knows who he is. She seems to forget everything she's supposed to know as she makes eye contact with this man's piercing blue eyes. She knows who he is. It's Roger Taylor. Drummer. Famous. Queen. "Uhm... Hello?" He asks, clicking his finger in front of the startstruck girls face. "Can I help you?"

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[habibialkaysani]

the devil in star city (laurel/nyssa; e) - part v

Ships: Laurel/Nyssa

Summary: “My name is Laurel Lance. When I was eight years old I was in a car accident that left me without sight. But in the process, my other senses were heightened.

By day, I am a defence attorney, ready to fight for justice in the courtroom on behalf of those who the law has failed. By night, I am someone else. I am something else.

I am Daredevil.”

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

A/N: Okay! So again, in terms of chronology this is going back and forth quite a bit, and this fic is not written linearly deliberately. This takes place a few weeks after Laurel and Nyssa have their first time together. For those who watch Daredevil, this is the equivalent of the Mattelektra scene that takes place in the boxing ring.

Uhhh, so on that note, this is another chapter that very much earns the E rating. I would say don't read this at work, but considering I posted this while at work, maybe i'm not the best judge of that, lol.

Read at AO3

Laurel was in the middle of her closing speech when she heard her.

She tried to soldier on, keep going even though her train of thought was lost now she could smell the warmth of Nyssa's perfume from where she stood. Laurel could hear her slip inside the room, knowing Nyssa was carrying with her two large strawberry milkshakes.

And really it was fine - there was a reason she was a mere law student and not a lawyer yet. But in that moment, caught off guard and tripping over words that she had gone over smoothly before, she knew then that she had lost, well before the professor presiding as mock judge for the mock trial decided the same some fifteen minutes later.

Afterwards, when the students were leaving the lecture theatre, Nyssa stayed behind, waiting for Laurel, who greeted her girlfriend with a kiss.

"Hey, you," Laurel said.

"Hey yourself, counsellor," Nyssa replied, a smile in her voice. "I did not think I would love this look of yours as much as I do."

"Thank you. Honestly it's not exactly the most comfortable. And… it doesn't seem to matter how swanky my outfit is - I still lost."

A gentle hand crept up to cup Laurel's cheek. "You were great up there. And I see you took my advice."

"Using the cane as a prop? Yeah, that was a good idea. Maybe in another life you're the attorney and I'm the -"

In truth Laurel wasn't entirely sure what she was going to say, but Nyssa beat her to it thankfully. "- rich yet terrible actress?"

"Something like that." It was impossible for Laurel not to smile now. "I would definitely be a shittier actress, though."

“Yes, darling, because I’m Angelina Jolie.” They shared a laugh, but then Nyssa asked, "Are you all right?"

"I didn't know you'd be here," Laurel blurted out before she could stop herself.

Nyssa coughed. "I didn't think that you knew I was here."

"I heard you come in."

"I just wanted to see the legendary Laurel Lance in action. You're - different here."

"How so?"

"You're more - confrontational. You don't pull your punches." Laurel must have noticeably winced at that because Nyssa then continued, "Of the metaphorical variety, that is."

A forced smile now. “You trying to say you came here to tell me I don’t know how to throw a proper jab?”

“I didn’t -”

Then Laurel caught herself, realised how she sounded, and she held up her hand apologetically. "No, don’t. I’m sorry. I didn't mean - I'm not saying you being here is bad or anything. Just…"

"Just… what?"

"You make me nervous," Laurel admitted.

At this Nyssa chuckled. "I don't know whether I should be annoyed or flattered."

Laurel considered for a moment. Given she usually didn’t let people close enough to her to have this much of an effect on her to begin with, Laurel had a feeling it should be the latter.

Reaching for Nyssa’s free hand, she said, “Take the compliment.” Nyssa chuckled and then started tugging at Laurel’s hand.

“You’re done for the day, right?”

“Yeah. But where are we going?” Then Laurel couldn’t help but laugh. “You just tapped your nose, didn’t you?”

“How did you know that?” Nyssa asked, but she didn’t sound disconcerted or worried or freaked out, the way people normally reacted to Laurel’s heightened senses. And she didn’t seem to expect an answer either, because she then said fondly, “Pretty and perceptive. I knew there was a reason we found each other. But anyway - we should get going.”

“Are you going to tell me where?”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out when we get there.”

They got into Nyssa’s car (“Smells expensive,” Laurel said as she inhaled and smelt leather) and set off, both of them singing along to soppy soft rock songs from the eighties. It was fun, freeing, when Nyssa turned the volume up, the hood of the convertible down, and they yelled happily along to Air Supply's All Out of Love , Nyssa terribly out of tune.

As they pulled up, though, Laurel frowned, smile automatically fading as she listened carefully. “ Oh .”

Nyssa didn’t seem to notice, though, and she simply took the key out of the ignition and got out of the car, coming around to open the door for Laurel before she could do so herself. Laurel took Nyssa’s proffered hand and shut the car door behind her, while saying teasingly, “Always the gentlewoman.”

“That’s me,” Nyssa said cheerfully. “And don’t worry. I do this with the other girls too.”

“ Other girls?” Laurel repeated incredulously before she could stop herself, and Nyssa burst out laughing.

“So I do have an effect on you.” Laurel folded her arms, trying to look annoyed but betraying her expression when the corners of her mouth twitched into a smile despite herself. "Grab those milkshakes for me, will you?"

Reaching over, Laurel did so, taking the bag out. "Where are we?"

It wasn't that Laurel didn't know already, even before Nyssa pushed open the door, which for some reason was unlocked. What she was really asking was why - why Nyssa has brought her here, of all places.

“Laurel… do you trust me?”

This time Laurel didn’t hesitate. “Of course I do.”

“Okay then. Hold on to me tight, and don't drop those milkshakes." Laurel laughed, and Nyssa picked her up easily, bridal style. "Welcome," Nyssa announced, opening the door, "to Wildcat Gym. Or, perhaps, more accurately, my darling, welcome back."

"You know," Laurel murmured as Nyssa stepped carefully over the threshold, "I'm not exactly dressed for a workout."

"I am sure you can improvise," Nyssa replied, her heart not wavering even for a second. She placed Laurel back on her feet, and Laurel reached into the bag and unearthed the milkshakes, handing one to Nyssa.

"How did you know it'd be empty?" Laurel said after taking a sip.

"I just paid the owner so we could have it for a few hours." This was said in such a throwaway manner, in between sips of her own shake, that Laurel wasn't sure whether she should ask Nyssa how much - and she decided against it after a second. "Besides… I know this place means something to you."

Laurel nodded. "Yeah. I come here a lot. Usually -" she gestured above her with a smile "- at the end of the day when I can have the lights off and box in peace."

She expected Nyssa to question this, something, anything that she was saying. But Nyssa didn't, instead walking over to the punchbag closest to them. There was a thump, surprisingly powerful, as Nyssa's fist hit the bag, and Laurel found herself going to the other side to hold it in place.

"Thanks."

"And… you were right," Laurel said suddenly. "This place - it's important to me. My dad used to train here. I saw him get his ass beat for the gajillion times."

"He's a fighter?"

Laurel sighed. " Was . He died when I was eleven."

Her words were greeted at first with silence. Then: "I'm sure you hear this all the time, Laurel, but I really am sorry to hear that. You deserve better than to lose a parent that young."

Somehow, though Nyssa's words weren't as hollow as perhaps she thought they would be, it was nevertheless difficult for Laurel to maintain any semblance of composure when she knew Nyssa was looking at her with pity.

"Thank you," Laurel said quietly, before turning around and kicking off her heels, followed by her skirt and jacket, because if she was going to be here she should at least be comfortable. Then, with slightly wobbly grace of someone getting back onto a bike, she leapt into the ring. “You coming or what?” Laurel called behind her without looking back.

Nyssa laughed. “Yeah. Just enjoying the view.”

"That makes one of us."

“Not my fault you have a great ass.”

Laurel laughed more freely now, feeling some of the tension leave her shoulders as she lay sprawled on her back in the ring.

After a minute Nyssa joined Laurel, Nyssa settling cross-legged and Laurel deciding to lie back, resting her head on Nyssa's lap. She'd taken off her glasses, left them on a table somewhere below. There was something comforting, safe, about where Laurel was, Nyssa silently playing with Laurel’s hair.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Nyssa said once the silence had gone on for a few comfortable moments and she had started tracing lazy circles over Laurel’s collarbone, pushing aside her shirt where it got in the way and undoing a couple buttons. "And you don't have to answer. Not if you don't want to."

"Sure."

"How did it happen?"

"How did what happen?" Laurel said, feeling ever so slightly wary now.

"Your dad. How did he die?"

"He was killed. Not in the ring - but it may as well have been." Probably Laurel said it more bitterly than she really needed to - being acerbic about it now wasn't going to help anyone, after all - because she could feel something change in Nyssa when she said that. And then Laurel couldn't help but add, "Are you sorry about that too?"

"No," said Nyssa without skipping a beat, "but I am angry."

"Why are you angry? You didn't know him."

"But I know you," Nyssa countered.

Laurel nodded. "Yeah. Better than anyone else, nowadays."

"And I know you are… too good for the shit that the world throws at you."

"Is that your idea of flattery?" This was said teasingly, though, and Nyssa chuckled.

It was now that Laurel considered something, something she had been debating whether or not to say for a while, ever since she met Nyssa at that fateful New Year's party.

It was hard to explain, but there was somethiing about the way Nyssa held on to her arm while they walked down the street, the way they would talk for hours on end or, conversely, the way they could be lying in silence on Laurel’s futon, no words needed other than those traced into Laurel’s skin by Nyssa's fingertips. Above all, there was something about Nyssa that made it easy, far too easy, for Laurel to trust her completely.

"You… never ask me about the accident," Laurel said after a minute.

"What?"

Laurel pointed at her eyes, unseeing and blank, for once without their usual mask of sunglasses.

"How this happened. You never - I thought that was what you were trying to ask me just now."

For a second Nyssa shifted against Laurel, and then Laurel was surprised to feel the stroke of Nyssa's fingers on her jaw.

"I think you have had quite enough strangers demanding to know your deepest secrets for one lifetime already."

"But we're not strangers."

"Not now, we're not." A pause, as Nyssa's hand stilled at Laurel’s crown, gently grazing her temple. "Do you want to tell me?"

It wasn't really a question - not the kind that Laurel felt she needed to answer, anyway. Instead, she began her story, hesitantly at first, but with the growing momentum of someone who had been waiting to tell someone her secret for what felt like her whole life.

"I was just - with my dad. We were headed to the mall when there was this crash. It was… the loudest sound I'd ever heard. I didn't even realise what I was doing, just that I was running. This truck was carrying all these chemicals, and some of them had spilled onto the ground, and - I just wanted to help, Nyssa," Laurel said helplessly. "I only ever wanted to help."

"Dinah Laurel Lance," Nyssa said, with a definite edge of pride in her voice, "always trying to save the world."

It was impossible, even with the pain that came with recounting her most traumatic memory, for Laurel not to smile at that.

"Even if it blinded me in the process?"

“Is that all it did?" Nyssa's question was casual, almost, yet there was no mistaking the curiosity in her voice.

"No," Laurel said slowly. "Yes. It… it's complicated."

Laurel got to her feet, and even without Nyssa saying anything Laurel knew she was slightly crestfallen, or disappointed at least. But then Laurel extended her hand to Nyssa, pulling her to her feet, and Nyssa seemed to realise this was not Laurel pushing her away.

"What are we doing?"

"Maybe it's better if I just… show you."

"Okay. Hold on a sec."

For some reason Nyssa now jumped out of the ring, with the practised weightlessness of a particularly stealthy cat burglar. She returned moments later.

"Here - catch."

Instinctively Laurel caught the projectile, which she quickly realised was -

" - a bo-staff?" Laurel said doubtfully.

"Just so we're evenly matched." Laurel opened her mouth, an objection already on her tongue at what was implied, and to her relief there was a sound of another weapon whipping through the air as Nyssa then added, "Bo-staff versus tonfa. Unless you want to swap?"

But Laurel was already grinning, the fighter in her primal and ready to go, as she detached the staff in half and got into a fighting stance.

"No, I know how to use this."

"Figured as much. I reckon this will be a fair fight."

"You're not going to ask me how a blind woman fights?"

"Do you want me to ask you?"

"Not particularly," Laurel admitted.

They circled each other, both of them waiting for the other to make the first move. In some ways it reminded Laurel of their dance during their first meeting - only this time Laurel found it a lot harder to read Nyssa and anticipate her movements.

In the end they both decided to strike at the same time, and Laurel was surprised that she managed to duck Nyssa's punch in time, and that somehow her footwork wasn't totally awful because she pivoted well enough to trip Nyssa up with the staff.

"So is this the part where you tell me your secret?" Nyssa asked, panting and on the floor, and she accepted Laurel’s hand to help her up.

"It's not what you think," Laurel was quick to say.

"And what do I -"

"You're probably thinking," Laurel interrupted, "that this was all an act, that I'm not blind, that all those times in movies and TV when someone fakes their disability are actually plausible -"

"No, that's not what I think, I promise."

Her heartbeat was steady. Nyssa wasn't lying.

"Really?"

"I think you're different," Nyssa said slowly, reaching down to get her milkshake so she could sip more of it, "and I think that you think that means there's something wrong with you."

It was true, what was said - the truth always did hurt, especially when it was coming from someone Laurel could feel herself falling in love with even in those very seconds.

"And you? Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

"Not in the slightest," Nyssa said firmly. "Just the opposite. I think… that's part of what draws me to you."

Laurel was starting to get antsy now, the way she usually did when goddamn feelings came up, because she'd never really known how to handle them. She found herself bouncing nervously on the balls of her feet.

"Let's go again."

This time, Nyssa had the upper hand, perhaps given Laurel’s mind was beginning to go elsewhere, thinking about what Nyssa had said. It wasn't long before Nyssa claimed her victory, the sharp whip of the tonfa slicing through the air and hitting Laurel on her side. Winded, Laurel ended up in a headlock, Nyssa pinning her wrist above Laurel’s head from behind.

"I win," Nyssa said with the kind of dangerous softness that served the sole purpose of seriously turning Laurel on as she felt warm breath flutter against the shell of her ear.

"This round, sure, but then that makes us even, right, if I won the first one?" Laurel said breathlessly. Then without warning she jumped out of Nyssa's grasp and grabbed the bo-staff from the floor, turning on the spot just in time to trip Nyssa over again, so she fell on her back. Laurel knelt and then straddled her, revelling in the groan she elicited from Nyssa by doing so.

"Nice moves," Laurel murmured. "I didn't know they taught Muay Thai in English boarding school."

"They don't. My sister taught me. And you - tai kwon du?"

"Well spotted." Laurel should have probably gotten up by now, but she was rather enjoying the feeling of Nyssa’s body beneath her own, the way she seemed to pulsate every second, the fact that Laurel could hear the comforting throb of her heartbeat, loud and clear.

"So if you can't see," Nyssa said, shifting just a few inches so she could sit up, Laurel still on her lap with a leg on either side of Nyssa, "how do you see?"

"You know that makes no sense, right?"

"You know what I mean."

"My other senses are sharper. I… hear things other people can't. It's… more than I like most of the time, but it does help me read people better."

"So how do you read me?"

Reaching down, Laurel caught Nyssa's wrist - unnecessary, really, when she could hear the thrum of her pulse already, better than Nyssa herself could most likely. "Your adrenaline spiked when we were - sparring. And now even though you've slowed down, I can tell from your heartbeat you're still…" Laurel paused for a moment. "... excited. Like you're waiting for something."

"That's because I am waiting for something." There was something suggestive that dripped from the words that fell from Nyssa's tongue, in the way that her hand found Laurel’s bare thigh and the kiss Nyssa bestowed on Laurel several moments later. It was the teasing kind of kiss, and Laurel could taste the sweet hint of strawberry still on Nyssa's lips. It was nothing like the earth-shattering kisses to come, but nevertheless still with Laurel feeling the tingly aftershocks in her toes for hours after. "So you got that just by listening to my heart?"

"Not just that." There was something enticing, damn near intoxicating, about the musk of Nyssa's vanilla perfume, mixed with the salt of sweat Laurel could taste just by breathing. She was so lost in the aroma that she barely realised Nyssa shifting underneath her, not until Laurel heard Nyssa's footsteps. "Where are you going?"

"Don't sound so worried, darling. Just got to lock the door. We don't want anyone catching us…" Nyssa paused for a second, perhaps for dramatic effect, or more likely because she was trying to remember the words, before whispering (undoubtedly with a smirk on her face), “... in flagrante de-whatsit."

"How did you manage to get through Cheltenham with such shitty Latin, babe?" Laurel called laughingly. She stretched her arms above her head, feeling sweat trickle down her forehead as the physical exertion of the last fifteen minutes began to wear on her. After a second Laurel decided to unbutton her shirt, and she'd gotten to the last one when Nyssa returned to her side.

"Ah, I'm glad you finally worked out that this was a booty call."

"I'm just hot," Laurel said, and this just made Nyssa laugh.

"I couldn't agree more."

Laurel shook her head fondly. "I thought you just brought me here to take a trip down memory lane and share my feelings and whatnot."

"That too," Nyssa admitted.

“Hey,” Laurel said softly, reaching out to touch the back of Nyssa’s neck and pulling her in as if to kiss her. She stopped just short of Nyssa’s lips though, and their breath mingled for a moment. “I - I’m glad I told you.”

“Me too.”

Nyssa kissed her, then, tucking some loose strands of Laurel’s hair behind her ears. Most of it was still in a ponytail high on her head, though, and just as Laurel made to loosen it Nyssa got there before her. There was a little pressure, the pull of the hair tie, and then something quietly exhilarating in how Nyssa immersed each and every one of her fingers into Laurel’s blonde curls.

The little tension that was still in her shoulders left her as she relaxed into Nyssa’s embrace. Laurel sighed contentedly, and at the same time they both leaned in, lips meeting halfway for a kiss. Nyssa was gentle, slow, so it took her by surprise when Laurel found herself filled with the same damn hunger she felt whenever things got hot and heavy with Nyssa that made Laurel kiss her harder, knocking all the breath out of her as Laurel’s body covered Nyssa’s. This instinctive need for Laurel to touch every inch of Nyssa she could reach rose inside her, all liquid heat and sweat.

In a way she was glad when Nyssa took control, flipping them over so she was on top of Laurel. It was almost instinctive now they knew each other better, knew their movements and cues, the sharp intakes of breath and muscles taut with want - and in Nyssa’s case she knew that Laurel would melt under her warm weight. Laurel was glad to be rid of her shirt, to lie beneath Nyssa, supine and waiting, but after a minute she knew that Nyssa had stopped and was gazing at her intently.

"What?"

"What?" Nyssa echoed, and Laurel couldn't help smiling.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"I - I was just thinking."

"Thinking is good." This time Laurel got a laugh out of Nyssa, but nothing more at first.

Then, a long pause, “I’ve not said this enough. Even though I thought it from the moment I laid eyes on you. But I - you’re… bloody beautiful, you know that?”

That threw Laurel off - no one was ever soft with her, not like that, not the way Nyssa was being just now, at least not with words. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had said anything like that to her before. Reaching up, Laurel’s hand found Nyssa's, so their fingers could link together, but she found she couldn’t quite form words as her heart stuttered against her chest.

“Yeah?” Laurel whispered eventually, and that one word took so much goddamn effort for some reason. Then she took a breath and added with a grin, “I’m really hoping that you mean more than just my ass.”

She was deflecting, they both knew it, and Laurel was glad when Nyssa kissed her again, deep and slow and wanting. Quickly her lips trailed downward, a line of kisses, increasingly biting, down Laurel’s neck. Nyssa was doing that thing, that wonderful fucking thing where she was marking her territory on the terrain of Laurel’s skin, inch by inch, making Laurel groan and gasp in equal measure. By the time she reached a point just between Laurel’s breasts, Nyssa's tongue was flicking relentlessly against her skin, chasing the beads of sweat that formed at the hollow of Laurel’s neck. Despite herself, Laurel couldn't bite her needy moan back any longer.

“Patience, sweetie.”

“Stop being such a fucking tease, Nyssa Raatko.” Somehow, mercifully, Nyssa had moved down now, to a spot just above Laurel’s navel, and Laurel started letting out some of the breath she’d been holding. “You were the one who said it was rude to keep a woman waiting.”

“I did say that,” Nyssa admitted, voice a little muffled from where she had pressed her face into the crease of Laurel’s thigh where it met her torso. She’d hoisted Laurel’s legs over either shoulder but was purposely avoiding her centre, touching her everywhere but there. “What I should have added, though… is that it’s fun to keep her waiting too. Or rather - it’s fun to watch her.”

And Laurel couldn’t even think up a retort to that, not really, not when without warning Nyssa’s mouth was at her centre, setting Laurel’s blood alight with the kind of desire that she didn’t think was real, warming her from head to toe so she came, hard, far too quickly, falling over the precipice without warning, the drip-drip of pleasure still no doubt hot on Nyssa’s tongue. But Nyssa wasn’t done, and neither, in fact, was Laurel, as Nyssa buried her still-damp nose into the inside of Laurel’s thigh before her tongue darted out again. She went more gently this time, perhaps more aware that Laurel was now super-sensitive, and Laurel was shakily stroking Nyssa’s hair, her cheeks, her jaw.

Only when her hands began to steady did Laurel widen her legs, let her heels dig into Nyssa’s back as Nyssa resumed what she was doing with her mouth, with her fingers, with her tongue, in earnest, until Laurel was sure her clit was on fire and Nyssa kept leading her to the edge of a climax before letting her stumble back a couple steps.

“Nyssa...” Laurel whispered reverently, “Nyssa… please -”

At last, Nyssa relented, letting her hit one final high before, slowly, Laurel found herself falling back to earth. Her legs were still shaking, hips only slowing down in how they rose and fell, never stopping altogether. Vaguely she registered Nyssa kissing her way up Laurel’s neck again, then her cheek, her nose, forehead, as if Nyssa was trying to memorise every inch of Laurel’s face with her lips.

Laurel could hear the thump-thump of Nyssa's heart, the way her pulse was skyrocketing, was acutely aware of Nyssa's every breath.

"Can you hear it?" Nyssa said, so quietly that for a moment Laurel wondered if Nyssa intended to say it aloud.

"Yeah," Laurel said after a moment. "Loud and clear. But… it would still be good to - know what you want."

"You," Nyssa replied without hesitating. Laurel considered for a moment, then reached down to cup the curve of Nyssa's breast.

"You've still got clothes on."

"So get them off. And me, too." Nyssa shifted a little, so she was sitting back, leaning slightly on her hands, outstretching her legs in front of her. And damn her, she was laughing at her own pun, because that was just like Nyssa Raatko, the corniest fucking lesbian in America.

"You are awful," Laurel told her, shoving playfully at her shoulder before getting to work with Nyssa's pants, pulling them off her and then not managing to mask her tiny growl of impatience when they were stuck around one of Nyssa's ankles. Laurel felt frenzied to the point of clumsy, partly because of the two times she had climaxed already but also in part because she felt the underlying need to do the same for Nyssa.

Thankfully Nyssa, eager to rid herself of clothing too, didn't seem to notice Laurel’s nervousness, or she didn’t care, and she took off her shirt and bra and flung them both aside somewhere. Then Nyssa lay back, and this time she was the one waiting.

Laurel could taste it in the air, too - the sweet heat of Nyssa's desire, faint but growing stronger the closer Laurel got to where Nyssa wanted her. Inhaling deeply, Laurel wondered if she would ever get enough of that heady scent, almost mesmerising her in how enticed she felt. Laurel wanted to let her tongue dart out, just to get a taste, a proper one,  tease of what was to come later, but she wanted to savour it too, the anticipation, the fact that Nyssa was already trembling even though Laurel hadn't touched her yet. She let her breath ghost the inside of Nyssa's thigh, while her fingers began a slow path up Nyssa's hip, not stopping until Laurel reached the soft underside of her breast with her thumb. Catching her nipple between two fingers, Laurel tweaked it and felt it stiffen at her touch.

“Now who’s being a tease?” Nyssa muttered under her breath, and that just made Laurel smile because she was sure Nyssa had forgotten Laurel could hear her.

“You were right,” Laurel said. “It’s fun to watch.”

For a moment Laurel waited, for the quip she honestly wouldn’t have minded hearing too much about her lack of sight, but it never came. Instead, Nyssa grabbed Laurel by her shoulders and kissed her soundly on the lips.

“Put that pretty mouth of yours to better use,” Nyssa ordered, her voice full of the same dangerous and goddamn beautiful softness that made Laurel’s heart flutter and skip a beat. Laurel didn’t hesitate for a second - she knew, instinctively, in her bones, that she’d do anything Nyssa asked.

That didn’t mean she wouldn’t take her sweet time, though, so by the time Laurel finally ducked her head and pressed that first kiss right against Nyssa’s opening, Laurel knew her partner was already falling apart. And normally for Laurel it was deafening, overwhelming, hearing the pounding of blood and each laboured breath. Certainly that was why Laurel tended to go for one-night stands rather than steady relationships - because after that first time she didn’t usually feel like she could handle more.

But Nyssa was different. She tasted damn near otherworldly, the vibrations of every single sound she made felt in every nerve of Laurel’s body. Laurel flicked the tip of her tongue against Nyssa’s swollen clit, making her cry out, a litany of unintelligible Arabic spilling from her tongue as Laurel made her come, just as hard as Laurel had herself only minutes before. Laurel could feel the sweat forming on her forehead as the remnants of Nyssa’s pleasure pooled on Laurel’s tongue.

Nyssa reached down, cradling Laurel’s cheek with her hand, thumb brushing away the wetness that lingered on the corner of Laurel’s mouth. Laurel caught Nyssa’s hand in her own, mouth covering Nyssa’s thumb, a gesture done more for the hunger she still felt for Nyssa than anything particularly erotic - but it had that effect too, as a soft groan escaped Nyssa’s lips almost of its own accord. Laurel wanted to press the tip of her tongue against the very inside of Nyssa's wrist, blow soft air down Nyssa's arm so Laurel could hear the tiny eruptions of gooseflesh on her skin. She wanted to press her fingers into Nyssa again and leave her gasping for air.

And she did all these things, painstakingly, one at a time, before her lips returned to Nyssa's, and the arousal Laurel had been feeling for what felt like the longest time finally started to unfold, a tightly wound up bud of desire that began to blossom somewhere deep inside her, and their limbs and souls tangled so completely that it was impossible for Laurel to know where she herself ended and her love began.

The entire time, the only thought that mattered to Laurel was that this was the most alive she had ever felt. She knew that much.

What she didn't know, had no possible way of knowing, was that glory would be cut short, snuffed out without warning, exactly two weeks later, and that Laurel would never feel that same feeling again.

#laurel x nyssa #lauryssa #laurel lance #nyssa al ghul #arrow #arrow fanfiction #otp: dinner's on me #mine #my fic #lemon #daredevil au #mattelektra au #i tried to sleep after work but apparently my brain only wants to shut off when I'm there #sigh #anyway #I posted this on ao3 at lunchtime #idk if anyone is still following it #but if you are #pls read and validate meeeee #fic: the devil in star city

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi, Loving the blog my darling ❤️ Currently starting uni at the grand age of 21 with absolutely no clue what I’m doing in life. My mental health has really been tough and I feel as though everything is going wrong 😩 I just can’t fathom how people find out who they are or what they enjoy - life just seems to be one big grumpy ball determined to knock you over 😓 any grand life advice you Wish you’d been given or things you think everyone should be aware of? ❤️❤️❤️

Hi Nonny! *HUGS* 

First off, I’m so sorry I put this off so long... I’ve had a headache for a few days and it’s hard for me to give good responses when I do.

That said, I’m not a professional, so please use your own judgement after some of your own research

First of all, don’t feel bad about starting college “late”... there’s NO SUCH THING as too old to learn. I also started at 21, and there were people in my classes on their “second career” (in Ontario, the gov’t used to offer grants for people who were laid off and wanted to pursue higher learning in a second career; not sure if they still do that). I was also in the same boat you were: I had no idea where my life was going to lead, I just knew that if I wanted to work in a professional field, I needed college, and I literally chose my career path by browsing the course offerings at the college I wanted to go to.

In hindsight, MAKING THE EFFORT TO GO TO SCHOOL was a huge first step in a new direction I was terrified to make, and so I totally understand WHY you’re scared, and coupled with mental health issues I can’t begin to imagine the levels of stress you’re feeling. So, I think when you first start (or just before you begin) look into your college’s counselling services; it’s part of your tuition and they’re there to help you get through your schooling. Every college and uni have their own websites, and if you’re willing to dig deep enough (actually, just go to their “site map”, it’s supposed to link every single page their website has), you can find faculty emails and information about counselling services offered and / or any restrictions they have. I highly recommend you start there, try to get an appointment early since many people will be doing it as well. Write out some concerns you have, and bring them with you when you go to see your counsellor. Also, make sure you find out if it’s a life counsellor vs a career counsellor... actually, I just had a thought, all unis and colleges (in Canada at least) have an on-site health centre which actually may be the best place to start for your mental health resource quest. THEY may be able to direct you in the right direction for that aspect. BUT since you’re not sure what you want to do with your career, I do still suggest seeing a counsellor who can help you understand what you can do with your chosen degree / diploma. Doing that may help ease your stress about that. 

Next, let’s tackle the “find out what they enjoy” aspect of your ask: I TOTALLY feel you on the grumpiness, I really do. Even today, nearly 2 decades after my own college life, I’m constantly grumpy and stressed. And I’m not going to tell you to “just think positive!” because that’s ridiculous, and it’s more complicated than just that, and poo-poo to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. For me, I think it was just trying to do things I never would have, and being brave and talking to people in my classes. My best friends inevitably are the ones I made in college, because we have a lot in common and we did a lot of new things together. I suggest maybe reaching out and doing the same! Colleges and unis ALWAYS have some sort of groups going on, like LGBT, Anime, movies, hiking, etc. TRY THEM ALL. Have fun! Be daring! Most of those types of groups plan outings and activities either for free or at low-cost, and who knows, you may find out you enjoy something you never thought you would! If you spend all your free time just studying or doing school work, you’re gonna burn out before the first semester is over, trust me on this one. 

First year is PURPOSELY the hardest year, just as a word of warning, because they need to weed out those who aren’t serious about doing the program – they don’t want to waste your time and money just as much as you don’t, believe it or not. I’m not going to sugar coat that for you at all... I almost failed first year, but finding a good balance between school and personal activities as well as discussing concerns I had with my professors, I was able to pick my grades up and make it through to second year... and it actually got a LOT easier in second and third year, because the professors were marking us on quality as opposed to technique. Sure, I pulled my share of all nighters, but mostly because I am the WORLD’S WORST PROCRASTINATOR. 

So my tip: if you’re a procrastinator, get that shit out of your system, because spending all night painting colour-matching squares on illustration board is legit the un-funnest way to spend a Sunday night when I had all week to do it. Some people work better under pressure (I actually do, strangely enough) but if you don’t have the mental ability to handle the stress, I really, REALLY recommend you DON’T PROCRASTINATE. Keep a day planner to help you sort your work vs personal time, and you should be just fine. 

Hmm, what else? 

Don’t forgo food, for the love of god. Groceries are cheaper than eating out, so learn to cook simple things: Pasta is literally boiled water and noodles, and canned sauce. That’s literally under 10$ for a few days’ worth of food. It’s delicious and keeps you full and alert to get on with your days. 

As I said above, schools have a health centre with FULL medical services, at least in Canada. Take full advantage of their services since you’re paying for it. Get check ups, talk to nurses about your mental health, and get recommendations to local therapists if you feel you need more than what the on-campus ones can offer; recommendations with doctor’s notes gets you reduced rates for therapy, if I recall correctly (please correct me if I’m wrong, lovelies).

Most schools also have gym memberships paid-for in your tuition; ours was a branch of the YMCA good at ANY YMCA in Canada, and we could use the on-campus gym any time of the day or night. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. Physical activity helps promote the natural endorphins in your body which help you feel better mentally. It doesn’t have to be anything strenuous: when I first started, I just did one hour on the recliner bike every day. It made me feel better and encouraged me to try other things in the gym, like the treadmill and weights. I found out I actually like working out a few times a week. I do it for ME, not for anyone else. Don’t do it “to be thin” or whatever (that’s a WHOLE other heap of garbage I’m not getting into here). Do it because it makes your mind happy. The gym is an EXCELLENT place to sort out your thoughts and plan your week ahead. The benefit to the recliner bike is that you can have a book or something and jot notes down while getting the exercise in.

DON’T PROCRASTINATE, like I said above. 

Get a part-time job if you find yourself needing something to do with some time you have. Some schools have a student-job centre where you can work on-campus for the print centre or student union, or you can just get a 8 to 16 hours-a-week job like at a grocery store (which is what I did) which wasn’t stressful at all because it was cleaning and food prep; it will look good on your resume that you can multitask like that, having a job and school at the same time, and job skills are transferrable to school as well :) Most part-time jobs will accommodate your school schedule.

HAVE FUN. Seriously, college were the best years of my life, not because I was out drinking every weekend (I actually WASN’T), but because I gained a lot of valuable life experiences from my time away, and I made amazing friends and a lot of my favourite memories were the activities we did together. We did a lot of hiking trips together, and I loved those.

Not much else I can say, Nonny, really, other than it’s perfectly normal to be scared and worried about your future. That’s why taking some time out to sit down and make yourself a schedule will help you handle it. I believe in you and I really REALLY think you will have a great time in college. So exciting, moving onto the next chapter of your life!

Good luck, Nonny, and I love you!

#steph replies #life advice #my advice #college and uni #keep us updated lovely! #Anonymous

[polyrolemodels]

Mx Nillin

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Personally? Less than 5 years. I’ve been non-monogamous with my nesting partner, Falon, for about 4 years now, but neither of us explicitly identified as polyamorous until we started seeing our best friend Kate about a year ago. 

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

Falon and I are legally married and live together in a tiny apartment with a cat and two guinea pigs. We’re in a romantic, sexual, and emotional relationship with our best friend, Kate, who lives on her own a short drive across town.

Kate doesn’t want to ever get married or live with anybody else. She really values having her own place to herself and so do we, so, it just works out for everybody really well! We all see each other multiple times a week, binge watching Netflix shows, playing nerdy tabletop games, going on date nights, checking out local events, or trying out threesome positions for ourselves and then blogging about them [http://mxnillin.com/will-it-threesome-double-dip/] LOL

Though Fal, Kate, and I are in a closed polyamorous triad together, we’re all still non-monogamous to a degree. Each of us has a friend or two we sometimes share nudes and flirt with outside of our relationship, but the three of us are all romantically committed to each other.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Ugh, honestly, I wouldn’t say that I “excel” at anything so much as I’m just doing the best I can to look after my own health and wellness while also striving to be the best partner I can be to Kate and Falon.

I used to be REALLY bad at the whole self-care thing and it lead to a lot of fear, anxiety, insecurities, and jealousy in my past relationships. I almost exclusively relied on those who I was intimate with to just comfort me until I felt better. In some cases, I put the entire onus of my mental and emotional health onto my past partners. Unsurprisingly, that created some incredibly fucking unhealthy behaviors as I sought out a pretty constant supply of comfort, validation, and assurance from them in order for me to feel happy and secure in those relationships.

That’s not so much an issue for me anymore, and I’m really proud of that because it has taken a lot of hard work to unlearn those toxic behaviors, develop healthier personal habits, and overall better communicate with the people who I love. I’m also much more on top of taking my anti-depressant pills, and going in to see my counsellor, when necessary.

That’s not to say I’m some stoic, chill master of my emotions or anything. Insecurities still crop up, jealousy sometimes rears its head, and on occasion a little validation is appreciated, but I think all of that is pretty natural

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

The stigma. Holy shit, the stigma

I‘ve never loved two people at the same time, and in the same ways, before. I’ve never been committed to two partners at once before. Like, it’s no exaggeration when I say that my relationship with Falon and Kate has shattered my entire perspective of life, love, family, the institution of marriage, identity, politics, and so much more.

And all for the better, I might add!

But polyamory isn’t something you see reflected back at you by society, especially not in any sort of positive, judgement-free way. It’s not a relationship structure that’s even sorta socially, politically, governmentally, or economically accepted, let alone widely acknowledged, talked about, written about, ore seen out in public. And it sure as shit isn’t represented in a lot in literature, or art, or media of any kind… at least not in ways that don’t tend to be fetishizing or tragic. 

I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen any sort of show about an everyday non-binary queer navigating life with their poly family? Never? Yeah, me neither.

All of this has led to us having to pretty regularly endure super shitty, awkward situations of us having to be in the closet depending on who we’re interacting with at any given time. Trying to remember who you’re out to, and who is SAFE to be out to, is exhausting and stressful for us all.

And that fucking blows. Yet it’s oftentimes necessary for all our safety.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

I talk about it with my partners. A lot. We check in with each other pretty often and we don’t let difficult discussions go undiscussed for long. 

And I write about it too! Maybe too much at times haha.

I find that by putting myself out there, speaking up about my experiences and relationships, it has helped me empower others in their poly relationships while offering me the opportunity to learn from them as well. Especially other sex bloggers, writers, and workers.

I’ve also surrounded myself with a pretty amazing little family of queer and trans folks who have been wonderful supports in my life.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Clear, concise, honest communication has been key. Fal, Kate, and I are all aware of each other’s past partners and we’ve all tested ourselves for STI’s. Currently, we’re all fluid-bonded together, so, condom usage isn’t really there like it used to be. However, we still make sure to boil any sex toys that are shared (between uses), keep our nails trimmed, use lube as needed, and generally make sure that we’re listening to and respecting each other’s boundaries.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that? 

Not sure if this is really a polyamory mistake so much as it is a boundaries issue. A couple years ago, shortly after Falon and I were married, I had JUST started blogging about how non-monogamy worked for us when we became good friends with somebody we had met through our local LGBTQ+ community. Early on in the friendship, the three of us mutually masturbated together, but we were very explicit in expressing that we were not looking for a relationship of any kind and that the three-way ‘bating was just for fun and probably not a regular thing. 

End of story, right?

Not so much. While Fal and I felt that we were very clear, and that our friend had understood, he instead doubled down. Over the months that followed, he ended up inserting himself into our relationship in a lot of invasive ways that on their own looked innocent enough, but when considered all at once were actually quite manipulative. Then one day he tries to show up at our house to talk with Falon, and when they said they weren’t feeling comfortable taking right now (he was being very pushy) he just forced the conversation anyway by professing his love to them. Oh, and me too, but only as an afterthought when Falon made it clear they were NOT interested.

Things went downhill from there really fast as we started to realize the real degree of his intrusiveness, complete with finding out he had been self-sabotaging opportunities for himself because he had this thought in his head that we’d all live up living together.

Anyway, it’s a long story overall but Fal and I learned a lot about what we were and weren’t comfortable with and set even cleared boundaries with others. That whole thing was bad enough that it almost turned us off from non-monogamy and polyamory altogether though. Luckily, we worked through it because several months after that gong show things started up with Kate, which has been amazing!

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like polyamory intersects with or affects those identities?

I am a fat, queer, non-binary, loud, foul-mouthed sex blogger with hairy tits, a girl cock, and a full-on fetish for actively subverting social roles and expectations… so of course I’m also polyamorous haha. Seriously though, over the last several years I’ve radically transformed myself as a person, to better reflect who I’ve always been but didn’t feel safe or confident being until my late twenties. I had to, because if I didn’t I was on the fast track to self-destruction [but that’s another story entirely]. 

Now, for the first time ever, I feel empowered to live my life as my authentic self and it turns out that a big part of that has included being polyamorous. Monogamy, at least in how it exists in our culture, has always felt incredibly restrictive, uncomfortable, and toxic to me personally; whereas falling in love with Falon and Kate, opening myself up to them both and forming our queer little polycule, has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me since I came out as queer and trans.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

You can find the vast majority of my work on my blog at www.mxnillin.com. One of the most popular features there is "Mx Nillin Fucks", a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock in a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far,  as makeshift masturbation sleeves and write about how good or bad it is. This year is themed "Back to Basics" and has focused on classic masturbation items (banana peels, socks, DIY penetrables, melons, etc.). Outside of this you can also find me regularly participating in #SexEdPornReviews tweets for The Crash Pad Series.

---

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at  https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

#polyamory #nonmonogamy #fat #queer #nonbinary #bloggers

[atopearth]

Final Fantasy X HD Remaster Part 8 - Someday the Dream will End

(Thought it’d be a great title since the above is my favourite soundtrack and this is my last post on FFX! XD)

Yay! I got Lulu’s Venus sigil! I was hesitant to start the dodging lightning thing since you have to dodge 200 in a row, but omg, after going on YouTube and knowing that there’s a ditch where you can easily gather the rhythm to do it 200 times, it only surprisingly took me like an hour and a half after getting distracted a few times and failing lmao. Gotta say though, much easier than the stupid Chocobo race for Tidus!🙄 Next thing you know, I try the butterfly catching game for the Saturn sigil and start to contemplate whether I really want to be a perfectionist lmao. I totally forgot that I hate the butterfly game the most, like THE MOST. It’s literally frustrating me more than the Chocobo and lightning combined, I don’t know why everyone on the internet says it’s the easiest of the mini games😣😣 Okay, fine, after another half an hour with trial and error, I finally got the Saturn sigil too, not that bad I guess….

Finally got all the celestial weapons too yeee~ I’ve never gotten everything before so I’m pretty happy right now hahaha! So Yu Yevon is the one that’s been constantly causing this all for a thousand years, hiding within Sin using him as an armour, and then when people defeat Sin with the powers Yunalesca tells them about, he merges with the Final Aeon to continue this cycle of life and death. I guess when everything works out, it’ll be good, but once they defeat Sin, the Fayth will stop dreaming and Tidus will disappear… It’s kinda funny how you used to be all concerned about Yuna dying and now near the end of the game, you instead have to be concerned over Tidus disappearing instead. Why can’t they just be happy together sigh..

Well! I legit spent a day farming sphere levels for Rikku and Tidus to finish off the sphere grid getting all the strength and agility nodes but omggg, can I just say that having triple AP instead of double AP is like the biggest difference ever? LOL. And omg overdrive -> AP is like the best thing ever. So easy to level lol. Funniest thing was when Don Tonberry did 83k damage on my Tidus though hahahaah, did I really kill that many monsters with him🤣 But yeah, it’s cool that I’m progressing with my sphere grid but I’m kinda sad that I’m one hit KOing everything lol. I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever gotten so far in FFX so I feel like I’m killing my experience haha! But I really want to fight nemesis and penance and all the dark aeons so oh well. Btw, it’s because I OHKO Seymour in Sin and didn’t get to see him do anything with his cool music hahaha. At least Yuna finally sent him to the farplane lol. Anyway, back to farming monsters, just need to finish Sin and Omega Ruins and I’m doneeee!

GG though, Omega Ruins took sooo long (I guess Sin did too) but dang was it annoying lol. So anyway, after much leveling with Don Tonberry again, and getting all the strength, defence, magic, magic defence, agility, luck and fortune spheres, I am legit done with the whole sphere grid! I’m honestly not dedicated enough to do 255 everything, so since 255 luck = 255 accuracy and evasion, I am not going to bother lolll. Agility maxes out at 170 as well so yayyy, don’t need to farm moreeee. I’ve legit been spending my week doing all this lmao, watching TVB and farming, that’s been my life hahaha. It’s kinda crazy seeing myself finish all this though. It was super time consuming but it’s nice to see my characters deal 99,999 damage haha. Coolest thing was defeating all the creations by the Monster Arena guy and then beating up Nemesis! Yesssss! It could have been easier if I set my overdrive mode to Comrade (charges overdrive when allies are hit) since he dealt so much damage lol, but silly me left it on Warrior (charges overdrive every time I attack), so yeaaaah, that took longer than I wanted hahaha. Btw, Nemesis is ugly but yay! I’ve completed another goal of mine! Oh yeah, I also beat Omega Weapon, of which, he was so underwhelming, especially with the random monsters you have to fight along the way, FFVIII was so much more annoying and challenging imo with the Ultima Weapon and other guys. I guess we’ll see how I feel once I defeat all the Dark Aeons and fight Penance hahaha.

The Dark Aeons were relatively easy! Especially if you have ribbon/stoneproof, not being petrified and shattered is like the most important thing imo lol. Dark Bahamut kept killing me and pissing me off because he kept petrifying my guys and killing them lol, I had to put stoneproof on my armour to survive, worked out well since I needed it for the Magus Sisters too haha. And yes, I was lazy to fight them altogether so I separated them and fought the sisters one by one to save myself from the agony lol. And what do you know? Dark Yojimbo was actually the one to bring the most trouble! It’s not even because he was hard, it was because I had to fight him 5 times to defeat him and initially, I didn’t know and just defeated him four times and was like wth, why isn’t Penance appearing?! So then, I googled and realised that I had kept missing the true third battle in the green room, so yeah, that frustrated the hell out of me because I legit defeated him 10+ times because I went to the wrong place, didn’t understand etc, yeaaah I was raging lol. I really wanted to finish the game and defeat Penance in the same day with the Dark Aeons so yeah, I was annoyed that I was not on schedule lolol. Oh well, more time to prepare for Penance I guess.

So…. I tried Penance and I died hahahah. Gotta revise my armour lolol. I think ribbon, auto-potion (with only x-potion), auto-haste and auto-protect might be the best combo. I’ll try that and see. Or not lolll! My biggest problem with Penance was not surviving his immolation attack that does a lot of HP damage and sucks all your MP too. Well, anyway, after much googling etc, I revised my armour again, luckily I had 6 million to spend bribing monsters for stuff lmao. I used auto-potion, auto-haste, auto-protect and defence +20%. This accompanied with Rikku’s Ultra NullAll mix (lasts the whole battle as long as you don’t die!) gave me enough defence to survive the whole battle (yay!). After that, it was really rinse and repeat of destroying the arms and then hitting the main body whenever I could. It probably legit took 20-30 minutes. Crazy for sure. Not sure whether it’s really worth it since I didn’t feel very accomplished LOL, I just felt like a robot constantly using quick hit (throwing a three stars so it doesn’t cost MP), dispelling after every immolation attack and thankfully, I had auto-potion because it would have killed me if I had to heal myself every turn. So yeah, after that, it was really just a waiting game where I just kept doing the same thing for 30 minutes, yeah it was pretty boring. I liked the optional bosses from previous games more.

And now I can finally fight Sin! Honestly, seeing Tidus finally open up to Jecht a bit more and be a bit more honest, I felt happy for Jecht. He’s always loved Tidus. Too bad it wasn’t meant to be for them to ever be able to hang out together like buddies. Since I maxed out my stats, last boss was so easy, I barely did anything. Kinda feel like I should have let him do something so I could see it lol, but I was too fast hahaha. Pretty devastating to see Yuna summoning every single summon for Yu Yevon to take over and then we kill it to stop Yu Yevon from having anything to take over anymore. It was heartbreaking to see all the Fayth go like that. But at least, as they said, they can now stop dreaming… Auron always has to be cool doesn’t he lolll, even when Yuna sends him to the Farplane. It hurt when he told Yuna that it was okay to send him. I really liked Auron. It was also saddening when Tidus was like, this is his last battle with them because he’s going to disappear, I guess at least he told them. Slack to Yuna when she wanted to hug him but he was disappearing. Especially when at the end, she kept whistling, waiting for him to come back.

Never even know the Eternal Calm video or whatever existed. Kinda feels weird though because it’s set two years later where all Yuna has been doing is being something like a counsellor to people until a sphere of someone who looks like Tidus (Shuyin~) is found by Kimahri, given to Rikku and then shown to Yuna and then she decides to go look for other spheres like it and soon becomes a sphere hunter. Considering that FFX-2 is set two years later which I assume is not long after this, her personality sure changed quite a bit after getting some freedom haha. I guess it’s true that Yuna has never truly lived for herself until now so it is nice that she can do that now, but how did she learn to use a gun so fast? Lol.

Overall, I enjoyed FFX, but honestly, it’s not one of my favourites haha. It’s one of the first I played as an adult probably but yeah, if I had to really choose, I prefer the previous much more. But I do like FFX because of how much more, simple it is? It’s simple, straightforward and emotional. Rikku and Yuna will always be my favourites. Wakka being silly is also a highlight. Cool Auron will always be the dream guy though hahaha. Happy that I can finally say I’ve finished it completely! Now on to getting 100% completion for FFX-2! I got like 98 or 99 on my first playthrough with the help of a guide every now and then but now I’m gonna use a guide for the whole thing and hope I get the 100% this time around hahaha, wish me luck~

#Final Fantasy X