#I wish my body would stop hurting so bad. I wish I had energy.

[threadboundgold]

.

#I wish I could never speak to my mother again. #im trying so fucking hard to get better and she just. destroys that in one fell swoop and refuses to *understand* #I want to die more than ever rn. I want a hug more than ever rn. #I wish my body would stop hurting so bad. I wish I had energy. #I wish I wasn’t such a fucking disappointment. #I wish I was a good son

[ickadori]

oml hi i’m absolutely DYING over your fics with uraume and sukuna. they way you write the dynamics between all three of them is IDNSKSOAJI!!!

i wonder what happens when yorozu is thrown into the mix since she is canonically “in love” (?) with sukuna. how would uraume take to them maybe messing with y/n now that they’ve somewhat grown attached to them ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

cws for fem reader and mild violence.

Uraume had made their feelings towards Yorozu quite clear from the moment they had first met her. She grossly misconstrued her purpose in the world - she was simply an extra body, a bit of riffraff to add to the background noise buzzing in Sukuna’s ears.

She declared herself to be in love with him, and the bold claim had left a nasty taste in their mouth. Her announcing her love for him so brazenly was similar to a beggar asking for the queen’s hand in marriage. Preposterous, the damned wench.

“Oh, how I pity the foolish drivel that fawn after my love,” Yoruzu sighs, her gaze focused on where you frolic in the garden, a concentrated look on your face as you carefully snip the stems of flowers and gently lay them in the basket by your feet.

“Self-pity is for the weak.” Uraume doesn’t bother sparing the woman with a glance. “And the weak have no business in Lord Sukuna’s palace. Leave.”

“Tuh. You’d banish me before banishing the sacrifice from that village? Don’t tell me you’ve grown a soft spot for that thing - it’s bad enough that Sukuna has—” Your head raises at the strong gust of wind that nearly topples you over, and your eyes turn to where Yorozu is pressing a hand to the deep gash on her neck, blood staining Uraume’s pale skin.

“Do not address him so casually, trash.” They turn their gaze to the blood dirtying their hand, face contorting into a scowl as they pull free a handkerchief from their person and cleanse themself. “If it happens again I’ll have your head.” They toss the now bloody handkerchief in their direction, not paying any attention to the furious look on her face. “And you will not refer to her as anything but her name, or else you’ll have the Lord himself to deal with.”

Had Sukuna been on the property, Yorozu would have finally been dealt with once he heard how she referred to you as a ‘thing’ - oh, how they wish he hadn’t left so soon.

You stop your flower picking to raise to your feet, and Uraume feels a tick of annoyance when you give Yorozu a concerned look. Fool. The woman had made her disdain for you, and obsession with your lover, more than clear, and yet you still housed positive feelings for her.

It doesn’t take you long to make your way over, basket clutched in your hands as you give a wary look to the still bleeding gash on her neck. Yorozu makes a face that’s identical to the one that Uraume used to throw your way, and their cursed energy spikes in anger, at her and at themselves.

“I can patch that up for you, Yorozu. There’s a balm I have that works really well to dull the pain. Ryomen brought it for me when I cut my hand one evening.” Yorozu gives Uraume a pointed look, likely waiting for the slash across your neck, and they make a low noise of amusement.

“That isn’t necessary.” Yorozu removes her hand to reveal her healed skin. “Unlike some weaker, lesser people, I can heal myself without the aid of balms.”

“Oh, I’m glad. It seems you get hurt an awful lot, so it’s good that you can heal yourself at will…otherwise I’m sure you would have died a long time ago due to never leaving a fight unscathed.” You beam. “I’m so grateful that Uraume and Ryomen don’t have that problem - they’re very strong and capable, unlike some weaker, lesser people.”

Yorozu fumes, skin reddening and fists clenching, and Uraume can’t help the splutter of laughter that leaves their mouth.

“Now, Uraume and I have to prepare for Ryomen’s return, so if you could show yourself the way out that’d be lovely.” Your hand that isn’t holding the basket moves to grab ahold of the sleeve of Uraume’s top, and they allow you to pull them through the garden and back indoors. You let go of them and spin on your heel when you’re finally inside, eyebrows pulling together in frustration as you lean to the side to look out through the open doors. “That woman makes me sick.”

“So have Lord Sukuna kill her.” You cringe and shake your head, and Uraume tuts with a shake of their head.

“I’d rather not start giving out execution orders, Uraume.” You turn your attention back towards your basket. “She’ll eventually lose in battle, braggarts like her always do, and then we’ll be free to laugh and dance in front of her grave.”

“You’re more like the master than you’d like to admit.” You let out an airy laugh, fingers carefully cradling a red primrose before you bring it up and carefully tuck it into the fold of their kimono.

“Oh? Comparing me to Ryomen? That’s quite the compliment coming from you,” your eyes flit up to connect with theirs. “I guess that means you must like me quite a bit.”

“You’re beginning to sound like Yorozu - utterly delusional.” They briskly walk around you, eyes rolling at your laughter that floods the halls, and the corner of their mouth quirks as they raise a hand to gently cover the flower, ensuring it doesn’t fall due to their quick pace.

The Japanese primrose (sakurasō) comes in a range of colors, including red, pink, and purple, and represents long-lasting love and beauty.

#uraume x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader

[petew21-blog]

Life upgrade

Hi, I am Earl Montgomery. I am 34 year old gay man. I studied history and enhlish literature at Columbia and then I became a teacher. I have been working as a teacher since than and I have to say that being a teacher is one of the most honorable proffesions there are. You get to educate all the young minds and set them on a right path in life. If only they would listen to me during classes. Maybe my life wouldn't be so boring. The job takes all my energy. I never believed that so many teachers get burnt out, but man. Once you see that your job affects only few of those kids and the rest just doesn't care, you contemplate back on your life. What could I have done different? I could have had a happy, adventurous life full of fun and sex. Oh how I miss the sex.

Oh sorry, my bad. You thought the guy wearing sports clothes is me? Oh no no no. This is me actually

That guy is Barry. The gym teacher. He's the same age as me. But his life is much better. He works as a gym teacher, coach and in his free time he is a personal trainer in gym. He gets to coach all the hot bodybuilders and sometimes women, that lust over him a later on sleep with him.

I onced tried to hit on him, thinking he might be bisexual, but ended up being ignored for the rest of the school year. He started talking to me again recently and that's fine. If there is no drama it's all good. Besides. He has his own life full of sport and travelling around the world, fucking everything that moves. And I have my own life. My slightly boring and depresive life.

Who am I kidding? I hate my life. I wish I were Barry. To have his hot body, his libido, his life full of travellling and fucking everyone.

Suddenly it was so bright all around me. I was in a garage. Running. I stopped. Where am I? Why am I running? How did I get here?

I looked around but the place was empty. Then I looked down and saw the grey clothes for sport that Barry has. "This can't be". I walked over to the nearest car and saw Barry. No, I saw my reflection.

"Well well well. Can't ignore me now, huh?" I flexed my biceps over the shirt. So freaking hot. He is so buff. Must be amazing to be so strong and have strong muscles like this. His skin is so tense and beautiful. I gotta go somewhere more private to look what he's hiding under this. Don't know how this freaky friday will last.

Vibration in my pocket. Some girls want to have a private class with me in the gym. But the emojis don't seem like they want to take the training very seriously. Might be fun.

"Flex for the camera. Perfect!"

"Omg Barry, you're really hot. How did you get so big?"

"You think this is big... you haven't seen all of me yet. Haha" Where the hell was this coming from? Why did I say that?

"Really? We were actually thinking you coul help us stretch some time and show us how to do this to not hurt ourselves."

"I can stretch you both now in the showers, babes" Whyyy am I saying this. I'm not straight for fucks sake. Oh no. I'm not, but Barry is. I need to get back. I can't be straight.

1 hour later

"Thanks Barry. What a great personal class. Haha. Same time next week?" the taller oned asked while walking away from the gym

"You bet!" the sex was really good I have to admit that. But only this body craves it. Not me. I am gay, I don't want to watch pussy all day.

Phone vibrated again

Holy shit, A message from my number:"Hey, I don't know what you did to me, but I just jerked off for the third time thinking about my own body and I can't keep doing this... I want to swa... SUUCK your dick"

Oh maan, he has the same problem as I do. His body responds to what the person craved before, bout our minds didn't change our sexual orientation it seems.

"Came to your body's place in 30 minutes. Bring lube. Don't be late" I texted. I love this confidence the body is so full off.

And I bet I am gonna love the fact that my old body is gonna suck my dick very soon.

Haha. Gotta thank the istock photos for the inspiration

Story from inbox: Would you be able to do a story where a nerdy teacher swaps bodies with the hunky football coach. Maybe even cucking him?

#straight to gay #gay to straight #body swap #body switch #male body swap

[transmascissues]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

#bet you weren’t expecting an even longer post than my last one #i just have so much to say about this whole experience #i want to document EVERYTHING especially the stuff i haven’t seen other people mention #top surgery adventures #top surgery #trans man #transmasc

[scrollonso]

First Kiss (Race 5)

A strollonso AU where 18 year old rookie Lance Stroll falls helplessly in love with the notoriously mean world champion. (1.9k words, angst, description of a car crash, drunk lance, fluffy ending) [@v3lnys @biancathecool] {I picked David Coulthard to be the cause of the crash because he DNF in Europe 2006 and bc he's no stranger to being yelled at for crashes, LMAO}

last part - masterlist - next part

Lance walked back into the paddock, engaged in a conversation with Nico. He had yet to get his actual drivers liscense out of pure laziness so the German was left to drive them almost everywhere together.

"Thanks again" Lance laughed, feeling slightly bad for making Nico be his personal chauffeur.

"Don't thank me, I only do it so people believe our PR friendships real" He joked, nudging the taller man with his elbow

"Ow" Lance frowned, clutching his heart "Words hurt, Rosberg" He looked down, trying to hide the smile on his face

"Cmon, daddy didn't tell you he's paying me for this?"

"No way, are we both being paid?" Lance looked up, the fake shocked expression on his face earning a laugh from his teammate

Qualifying was okay, Nico secured 9th and Lance got 12th (after a minor chassis problem that caused him to have to pit for half of quali)

Lance should've been upset but he didn't mind, he'd been in front of Nico most of the season so far so he was looking forward to letting his teammate shine.

Of course he wanted to win like everyone else in F1 but the last thing he was going to do was let it ruin personal relationships he was building, work was completely different than home, his friends were different than the coworkers he knew.

He greeted Nico warmly, congratulating him as Quali ended, wishing him good luck on the race the next day.

Fernando came over not long after, having secured pole position.

"Lancito, good job today" He hummed, patting the Canadian on the back

"I'm convinced I could get p30 and you'd still congratulate me" Lance laughed, wrapping his arm around the Spaniard

"It takes a lot of skill to do so bad they have to make a new space for you" Fernando shook his head, his lips slightly curved up as he spoke

"I'm just saving all my energy for the race when I overtake you"

"Oh, really? I'll keep an eye out for you then, mi sol" He said, eyes only leaving Lance when he heard his name being called, his engineer needing him "Good luck tomorrow, Lancito. Let's get you points again, eh?"

Lance nodded, watching as the older man left, feeling his heart flutter in his chest as he thought about how he was looking up at him. It felt nice having someone to admire in the sport as much as Lance admired Fernando, he was a great driver.

Time passed faster than Lance thought it would, before Lance knew it he was lined up on the grid, eyes scanning the cars around him, David Coulthard in p11 next to him.

As the lights went out and the race begun he sent it, overtaking into p10 almost straight away, Coulthard close behind him.

It stayed this way for a few laps, the Brit almost on his rear wing as they raced, he was just trying to keep him there.

It seemed as if everything was going according to plan until the pair reached turn 14 once more, Coulthard was sure he'd be able to overtake, speeding up and reaching Lances side just to be met with their wheels touching, Lance could feel it in his body as the drivers car made contact with his, his left back tire practically flying off his car as he spun out of controll, David losing his front wing as Lance spun of the track, causing him to pull off as well, tire losing air as both cars came to a stop.

They were on opposite sides of the track, the asphalt between them stopping any conversations from happening.

Once he reached the Racing Point garage he was quick to storm down the pit lane, tearing off his helmet and balaclava as he found his way to the Red Bull garage, Brad trying to stop the fuming Canadian

"Lance, Lance stop it. Come back to the garage we need to-"

"Fuck off, Okay? This is a fucking sport and a part of that is talking it out after shit like this happens. Believe me, I have some things to say to Coulthard." He practically spat, not meaning to take his anger out on his engineer but he was the closest one there

They reached the garage, a crowd forming as the two began speaking

"Do you feel better now? Fighting with me over tenth place knowing damn well neither of us were in the position to earn points anyways?"

"I know you're a rookie so you might not get it yet but part of RACING is OVERTAKING, I was doing what I'm here to do."

"You're here to destroy my car and run me off the fucking track? Really? I find that hard to fucking believe, Coulthard."

"Oh come on, Lance. We all know your daddy doesn't have a problem with fixing your mistakes. That's how you got the seat, right? Daddy knew you fuck up too much to get a seat so he bought two for you and Keke Rosbergs son."

"You have a lot of fucking nerve, Coulthard. You know that?" Lance got closer, he already wasn't finishing the race so how much harm would a little physical contact outside of the car cause?

By now both of the teams where trying to stop the drivers, yelling and trying to get between the two men, blinded by anger towards one another

The race was slowly finishing, Fernando ending up in p2 as the fight was still going on, Lance screaming into the 35 year olds face as he scoffed, refusing to apologize, Lance didn't think of himself as a violent person but he wasn't going to stand around and let some ugly arrogant prick disrespect him and refuse to admit the crash was his fault.

"YOU RUINED THE RACE FOR THE BOTH OF US." All he wanted was for that to get through the Englishmans thick fucking skull "God, you're a fucking fils de pute." He spoke under his breath, astonished at the audacity of the racer "You know, for someone who's been racing for twelve years and hasn't even come close to a world championship you sure are a stuck up cunt."

And with that Lance was finally pulled away from the garage, David Coulthard having nothing to say in response.

Lance felt like he was getting scolded for hours, even if it was only 15 minutes, the team trying to explain how he shouldn't have done that even if it was Coulthards fault

"Lancito?" He heard a familiar voice, being snapped away from his thoughts as he shot up, leaving members of the team in the middle of their sentences to go to Fernando

"Thank fucking god you're here. Are you thirsty? I'd kill for a drink right now"

"Lancito, Are you sure drinking is the best thing for you to do now?" He questioned as if he wasn't still following behind him

"What, do you think I'm being dramatic too?" He scoffed, stopping in his tracks to turn back to Fernando, he looked mad to anyone else but Fernando knew he was just hurt, Lance hated crashes, hated not finishing, hated disappointing people, and even though the last thing Fernando was was disappointed in the boy he knew Lance would still think he was.

"Let's get you that drink, mi sol. Getting your mind off it will help, eh?"

Lance expected to be taken to some cheap place around the city but instead Fernando drove them back to his hotel, deciding it'd be better to let Lance cause a scene in his hotel room rather than in some German bar.

The two drank together, Lances lack of experience and tollerance when it came to alcohol being painfully obvious.

"He's such a prick" Lance slurred, his voice more whiney than usual

"I know, Lancito, He really is." Fernando hummed, leaning back in his chair as his eyes stayed on the Canadian

"You're like my guardian angel, Nando, y'know?" Lance looked at him, lips slightly curved before he began speaking again "Never stop congratualting me, please, it-" hiccup "It means a lot"

Fernando just nodded, setting down his glass

"I-" He stopped abruptly, drinking more "I love doing good, when I do good I know you'll be proud of me" He ran his fingers through his hair, annoyed at the long strands covering his vision "I'm sorry- I'm sorry I'm not the best, Nando" He confessed, looking over at the Spaniard "I don't deserve my seat, but- but it's okay because I get to see you, I love seeing you win, it makes what people say about me worth it when I'm the first one you come to after the podium"

Fernando just listened, not saying much as it became more and more evident Lance would forget it all by the next morning anyway

"I-" hiccup " I love seeing you walk to me, passing all the girls, they're so pretty, it makes no sense why you walk past them for me, but i love it, seeing you ignore them and look at me like I'm prettier than all of them" hiccup

He smiled, not being able to help it as he heard the younger ramble on, glad he was no longer stuck on being upset about the crash

"Don't stop, Nando"

"Hm?" Fernando hummed, watching Lance set down his glass. He took that as a chance to stand up and snatch it away, figuring the younger man had drank enough. Fernando and Lance were now closer, Fernando looking down at Lance as he awaited a response

"Looking at me like this, taking care of me how you do, please don't leave me, Nando" He begged, reaching out for the Spaniards arm "Promise me you'll never stop congratulating me after races, please Nando, I need you."

He was taken aback by the sudden change in tone Lance had brought to the conversation. Fernando swallowed dryly, staring back at the Canadian, he looked gorgeous, the waves of his hair messily laying across his face, the lighting hitting him just right to show off the gorgeous colour of his eyes

"Let's get you to bed, Lance." He whispered, helping him stand up as he walked with him to his bed, pulling back the covers with one hand while he held Lance with the other, surprised at how light the Canadian really was

He sat Lance down, kneeling to take off his shoes before instructing him to lay down and pulling the covers back up.

"Goodnight, Lancito" He whispered, brushing the hair from his face as the Canadian hummed a response, not fighting sleep as it took over him surprisingly fast

Fernando on the other hand was fighting, not sleep, but the feelings Lance brought to light with his drunken words. He hadn't thought much of it before, sure he felt different with Lance than he did with his other friends but he was so much younger that he figured he was just taking a more mature role in the friendship. Now he wasn't so sure.

#this might be my fav so far #f1 #formula 1 #lance stroll #aston martin #fernando alonso #renault #racing point #renault nando and pink lance #au #alternate universe #rpf #real person fiction #first kiss au #strollonso #lance stroll x fernando alonso #this is NOT spell checked #scared to think abt all the spelling errors #lets just pretend we dont see them #i hope im not the only one that likes this #lowk rushing it #BUT I HAVE PLANS #david coulthard #just a little bit of him #mainly strollonso #and a bit of rostroll

[fxlling13]

Because Of You

Part 2.

Dh!Master x fem reader

Part 1

Synopsis: you finally get away from the doctor.

Warning: bad language. Blood. Pain

(A/N: so I decided to write part 2 haha. And in a different pov. Just ahead of this weekend obviously)

After another harrowing adventure, it was safe to say you were exhausted. And now the master was banned from tagging along. Apparently he’d become dangerous again. In reality, you knew the doctor was still bitter over your bond. Plus, it gave him alone time to plot an escape. He knew where his tardis was, it was just getting there. Before you had chance to find him, the doc stopped you and announced she had somewhere else to take the two of you. Yaz was thrilled, smiling as the blonde began to ramble.

“I’m tired.” You spoke softly, hoping for some understanding. At that moment, all you wanted was your bed. After spending the past five hours constantly running, that’s exactly what you needed. That and a bath. Instead, the doctor rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“I’m not stupid (y/n). I know that you’re just going to find the master.” You sighed tiredly, rubbing your eyes. Not having the energy to argue, you just shrugged.

“I wasn’t but never mind. Let’s go.”

Oh how you wished you could have stood up for yourself more. As you were hiding behind a large stack of crates, your heart was pounding and your ears ringing. The doctor and yaz were nowhere in sight. They had fled without a second thought. So here you were, listening as heavy footsteps grew louder and you knew you had to get out. Pulling yourself up, you dashed for the door and found a padlock. Great.

“Human life sign detected.” A robotic voice echoed around the metallic room and your blood ran cold. Having no other choice, you smashed the lock with your fists and ran through the door. Sadly, there were armed guards ready which meant your legs carried on. On the other hand, their weapons were knives so easier to evade. Saying that, one managed to snag your shoulder as you rounded a sharp corner. Quite literally. Seeing the tardis, you threw yourself inside with urgency and slammed the door.

“There you are!” Yaz yelled, but not with relief. Turning round, you gaped for air as your lungs were burning.

“The hell did you go! We’ve been waiting here like idiots. Couldn’t you keep up?” The doctor was almost screaming, storming over to you with purpose. Now confused, you rested against the wooden doors to steady yourself.

“We had the right to just fly off and leave you there!”

“Then why didn’t you? It’s not my fault, you abandoned me. I told you I was tired.” You spoke through heavy breathing, adrenaline wearing off. Once again, the doctor rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“You love to make excuses up huh? I hate liars.” Everything caught up to you, your anger becoming too much. Harshly, you shoved the blonde back.

“You think I’m lying? Look at me!” Yaz was quick to go to the doctor, holding her close.

“I’m covered in blood! Because you left me alone with a set of killer robots!” You shouted in a fit of rage. And you were right. Your hand was balled up, each knuckle wounded. Your shoulder had a large gash to go with this, the pain becoming more apparent each second. Huffing, you pushed past them weakly and began to walk up the stairs before stopping. Turning back to the two women, you pressed your lips together before speaking.

“He would never let me get hurt.” Your words hit the doctor hard and Yaz had to keep her restrained as you left. Once around the corner and down the corridor, your lip began to tremble and your body grew weaker. Suddenly, you felt hands land on your shoulders and gazed up only to instantly relax. The master peered down at you with worry. You succumbed to your needs and fell into his chest with ease. Your body wracked with sobs and the man holding you tightened his grip.

“Hey hey. It’s okay sweets.” Hooking his hands under your arms, he picked you up effortlessly. Your legs wrapped around his waist and you clung on weakly.

“I’ve got you now.” The masters voice was low and gentle, his hand running along your back. You faintly heard him mutter ‘hold on’ before your head began to spin. More than it already was. Everything was hazy, falling in and out of consciousness. You barely registered what your body was feeling. But you could make out the press of the masters lips to your temple. Then everything went black.

The doctor stood in the console room, messing around with the controls. She could feel eyes boring into the back of her head and sighed.

“What do you want?” She sounded bored, turning to face the master. He strolled over, jacket long gone and hands tucked into his pockets.

“You haven’t noticed.” Was all he said, standing right in front of her. The doctor furrowed her brows, casting her eyes around.

“What?” He just chuckled at her not knowing and aimlessly walked around the console.

“You and (y/n) had a pretty heated fight I see.”

“Only because you have corrupted her.” Scoffing, the male leant against a pillar and tilted his head.

“No I haven’t. And you know I haven’t. That’s what’s driving you mad.” He slowly took a step towards the blonde with a smile on his lips.

“You can’t stand that she chose me over you.” He chuckled, running his tongue along his teeth. Pulling his hand out, he twirled it round in the air with expression.

“And to make things worse for your overworked brain, it kills you that she loves me. Doesn’t it?” The doctors nostrils flared with rage, nails digging into her palm as the master continued on.

“And I love her. The one human you can’t have. Because she’s mine.” He finished, smiling smugly.

The Doctor went to slap him but he grabbed her wrist with force. They stared each other down, him finding intense joy at her upset. Laughing, the master moved away and head up the steps.

“What is it then? What haven’t I noticed?” The doctor spat, halting the man. Smirking, he turned and looked at her with pity.

“We’ve been gone three days.” He whispered patronisingly, waving at her before pulling out his TCE and disappearing. Leaving the doctor to wallow in her own feelings.

When you awoke, you found yourself in a room you didn’t recognise. What you did know, was you were lying in the most comfortable bed you had ever been in. Purple silk sheets surrounded your body, your head resting on two perfectly fluffed pillows. Gazing around the room, you saw how nicely it was decorated. In front of the newly found four poster bed, was a cracking fire. A beautiful grey tiled mantelpiece encased it with intricate galifreyan carvings. The wall to your left was lined with dark book shelves with the most luxurious books imaginable. There was also a desk slotted between. Slowly, you sat up and looked down at your hands. They were neatly wrapped up, as was your shoulder. Then you realised you were wearing only your bra and a pair of very loose pyjama pants.

“You’re finally awake.” The masters voice greeted you warmly, the door clicking shut behind him. Coming to your side, he perched on the edge of the bed.

“Where am I?” You asked, voice horse. Smiling, he placed his hand in yours and you relaxed immediately.

“On my tardis. In my room to be more specific.” He told you, happy to see the relief on your face.

“You got us out?”

“Of course I did, love. I couldn’t let her treat you like that any more.” Gently, he reached up and stroked your cheek, thumbing the skin with care. His eyes raked over your figure, fingers tracing the bandages.

“I hope you don’t mind your attire. I wanted to make sure I could clean everything.” Blushing, you shivered under his touch but shook your head.

“I don’t mind. How long was I out?”

“Three days, I put your mind in a deep state of rest.” The master moved closer, almost caging you against the pillows. But you didn’t complain, instead you felt comfort. He rested his hand by your waist, your own hand came to hold his arm securely. Almost hugging it.

“I went back to the doctor. Gave it to her straight. I should have hurt her but, I couldn’t leave you for that long.” Smiling at his words, you rested your head on his shoulder and sighed.

“How about my room? Do you like it? It’s much better than the doctor’s tardis right?” You almost giggled at his need of approval.

“I love it. It’s a lot nicer so far. Plus your bed is so comfy.” Leaning back against the pillows, the master helped you to sit straight and get comfortable. Inching closer, the man was still facing you but practically sat on the bed beside you. His hand landed on your clothed thigh, smoothing over the fabric tentatively.

“She hadn’t noticed, by the way. We’ve been gone for three whole days. And the doctor didn’t notice a thing.” He laughed, simpering as he lined the pattern on your pants with his finger.

“Why would she? I’m not important. You on the other hand-“

“Don’t say that ever again.” He spoke sternly, eyes looking straight into your own. Frowning, you cast your gaze down to his hand on your thigh.

“But I’m not important to her. And I don’t care.”

“Well you’re important to me. And I’ll destroy whole galaxies to prove that.” Your heart sped up, swallowing thickly and hoping he couldn’t tell how flustered he was making you.

“Really?” You questioned, causing him to hum in confirmation. Sucking in a breath, the master trailed his hand along your inner thigh and up to your waist.

“Yes. I will burn heaven and earth for you.” His eyes flicked down to your lips briefly, the blush on your face spreading to your ears. You looked up at him shyly, lashes fluttering.

“Stop looking at me like that, (y/n).” The master groaned, leaving you confused.

“Why?” Smirking a little, he cupped your jaw with intention. Without saying another word, he leant forward and pressed his lips to yours. Heat filled your body. You kissed back instantly, ignoring the initial shock. Your arms wrapped around his neck to tug him in closer, the male practically hovering over you by then. He pulled back with caution, smiling down at you.

“That’s why.” Gleefully, you rolled over, successfully pinning him beneath you. The master grinned, holding your waist. He looked proud at your tactical move.

“Hah. Got you.” You giggled playfully, resting your elbow down to get closer to him.

“Only you can get away with man handling me, dear.”

Delicately, he traced along your face before trailing down and leaving his hand to cup the side of your neck. Placing your own free hand on his chest, you sighed.

“How do we get back at the doctor? You must have a trick up your sleeve?” You wondered out loud, hearing him cackle slightly.

“Oh of course I do. And with you by my side? It’ll be easier than ever to get her exactly where she deserves to be.”

#doctor who #doctor who x y/n #dhawan master x reader #the doctor x reader #thirteenth doctor x reader #13th doctor x reader #whittaker!master #dhawan!master #whittaker!master x reader #the master x reader

[bethelighthalazia]

Dance Lessons

Summary:  Taehyun and you have a lot of fun while dancing.

Genre: fluff

Pairing: Taehyun x gn!reader

Word Count:  738

Warnings: none. (not beta´d, not very long and i don´t know anything about dancing)

[note: This one was requested by the lovely @itsnotmydejavu! Thank you for requesting this, luv <3]

© by bethelighthalazia. Do not repost, copy or translate. Unless stated otherwise, those works are mine and born from my own ideas. I don't have any claim on the mentioned real existing Idols whatsoever.

When your friend Soobin told you to just ask his band´s member Taehyun for dance lessons, you were hesitant at first. You had interacted with the other before, but not as much as it would have taken you to gather the courage to ask him. This problem solved itself when you and Soobin were talking about your wish to learn to dance and Taehyun walked into the room as well. He just sat down with the two of you, talking and this way, you got to know each other a bit better.

Now, you´re in the practice room, laying on the ground and laughing. Taehyun was trying to teach you one of their dances, but somehow, you managed to dance into him and bring both of you to the ground. His blonde hair sticking to his face, the boy was just laughing freely, he didn't feel shy or hesitant in your presence at all. He did have to remind himself that you were there to learn, so he picked himself up before helping you up as well.

“Okay, one more time. Just try to do it exactly like I do,” Taehyun chuckles, showing you the dance move one more time, slow enough for you to copy it. when you copy his movements, he shakes his head with a smile, stepping closer to you, his hand placed against your chest. “No, lean a bit further back. Don´t worry about falling, just let go.” pushing your upper body back a bit more, he smiles contently. you don't know if he can feel your heart pounding heavily in your ribcage, if he does he hides it well though. Taehyun does react very quickly when you slip again and lose balance, his arm wrapping around your body to prevent you from falling, but in this move, he pulls you against himself. 

This causes him to lose balance himself and soon, both of you land on the floor, he is on top of you. Neither of you can suppress a hearty laugh as he rolls aside and sits up. “Are you hurt?” The blonde asks, still chuckling and when you shake your head no, he seems to relax again. “You know, y/n, somehow i get the feeling that you like the floor more than dancing.” Breathless from laughing, Taehyun gets up, offering you a hand to pull you up into a stand as well. 

“Let's try one more time, yes?” You laugh, ready to try over and over until you manage to get at least a few dance moves right. Taehyun nods and restarts the music before getting in position next to you, so you can copy his moves once again. This time, it goes really well and you actually get most of the moves to work properly, that is until Taehyun has to lean against you in the choreography and does it with such an energy that lets you tilt and fall over once again. With you instinctively wrapping your arms around him to steady yourself, you pull him down with you, both of you rolling over a few times and then come to a stop.

At first, it's quiet in the room, you already fear that Taehyun might have gotten hurt, but after a few moments in which you swear one could have heard your heart thump against your ribcage very loudly, the blonde starts laughing heartily, holding his belly. You could feel your cheeks heat up, hiding your face in your hands. 

“Huh? What's wrong, y/n?” Taehyun asks, stopping his laughter as he tilts his head to look at you, a small frown appearing on his face now. “I- Is my dancing really that bad?” Your voice is quiet, but he can clearly notice the shyness in it, which you didn't have before. Gently taking your hands to uncover your face, Taehyun smiles and shakes his head. 

“No, you dance a lot better than Yeonjun did in the beginning, or even me. I didn't laugh about your dancing, but because I really have fun with you. I feel comfortable around you, y/n that's something not many can say about themselves.” With a little wink, he then gets up and helps you up too, now even placing his arm around your shoulders. “Let's take a break and get some energy before we try again, okay? And I promise, by nightfall, you´ll be a better dancer than I am.”

taglist: @mingis-mizu, @tinyelfperson, @hotteokkay, @minkilicious, @bunnliix, @gong-fourz, @yeosangiess, @jayshoneybee, @dinossaurz

(if you want to be added to a taglist, follow the taglist-link in my pinned post)

#kat writes <3 #tomorrow x together #txt fanfiction #txt #txt fanfic #txt fluff #txt taehyun #txt requests #txt x reader #txt x y/n #txt x you

[soothinglee]

➣STAB WOUNDS AND A SOMEWHAT GREATFUL PAITENT✓

Joel Miller x platonic! Reader | Ellie Williams x platonic! Reader

summary: after joel gets stabbed back at the university, it's up to you and ellie to try and fix him back together. but what if the actual thing that needs to be fixed is you and joels relationship?

cautions: heavy mentions of blood and injury, some cursing, lowercased words, somewhat bad writing, maybe some spoilers, description based writing, and could be ooc actions/dialogue, angst angst angst, some humor to cover up the big bulge of angst, and I wonder if anyone really reads this section of my writings.

word count: 1,889 words | 9,982 characters.

authors note: f uppercase words. it's been a while since I've watched tlou on hbomax so give me a break will ya? some of it may be inaccurate but I don't think it will kill you. also sorry for being gone for so long lol. if this fic was good, call it my redemption, if it was trash...call it a filler.

prompts: "You deserve a day off. Please, just take it." @creativepromptsforwriting

m.list | request | rules ☆

since joel got stabbed it seemed like everything started to slow down. you and ellie had managed to find an empty house in an abandoned neighborhood after throughly making sure that you were not being followed. after quickly going each floor making sure there weren't any clickers, you settle joel down on a dirty cot in the basement.

ellie looks at you after placing a ragged blanket on the unconscious man, "we need to clean him up."

glancing back at her, you kneel down to his level to peel back the blanket. the flannel he was wearing had rips in multiple places, a huge gap in the spot where he was stabbed. the dried up blood on the fabric had started to crust making the shirt stick to his skin. moving it gently to not hurt him, you take note that blood had no longer flowed from the wound, but there was a thick layer of something over it.

sighing, you place the shirt back and spare ellie a look, "i need you to do me a favor," ellie nods quickly, "i need you to try and find something to help clean up the wound. it most likely needs to be stitched up. i know it's a stretch and everything might be gone but we need to fix it up."

ellie agrees quietly and goes to the staircase leading to the main floor, but hesitates and retreats, "what...am i looking for exactly?"

you grab your discarded bag from next to joel's head where you left it when you first came in and start to rummage through it. your fingers hopefully dance around the limited items in hopes to find him something to eat until you can go out and hunt, "um," you sniffle, taking notice of the breathe in the frigid air, "a needle, scissors, chopsticks, i mean anything will work as long as it's sharp. oh! and some string. just bring me whatever you can find and i'll work with it."

ellie nods and dashes up the stairs, almost tripping on the last step. you roll your eyes and turn your attention back to joel who was still fast asleep. it had been a long time since any of you had the time to stop and rest so you decided it was better to let him replenish his energy rather than run on empty.

you let your fingers softly caress the crown of his head and sigh, grim and healing scars liter his forehead and cheeks, you lightly scratch at the dirt but give up after seeing it wouldn't go without a wash.

underneath your fingers joel shifts underneath the blanket, you retract and replace your hand on his cheek, he groans with every movement. face scrunching, tugging at the pain in his body.

you frantically look towards the stairs, wishing that ellie would hurry up just a little more. "ellie, quickly!" from upstairs a distance voice shouts "i'm coming!" followed by a hollow thud.

you internally cringe. there was a metal canteen tied loosely on the side of your belt loop with a shoe string, you swiftly untie the knot and spare some drips of water on a ripped cloth you found in your sack and drag it lightly above the grays in his eyebrows. a sudden and firm grip finds its way to your wrist, halting your movement. you look down and see joel now wide awake and alert, his bleak eyes staring back at yours.

"where's ellie?" a hiss comes after. unfazed, you remove his hand and drop it to his chest, continuing with the cleaning.

"good morning to you to sunshine," your voice monotone with a unamused smirk, he makes a taunting noise in return as if saying 'how funny', "she's upstairs getting some supplies," you ring out the cloth and dab the dry parts on his now clean forehead, "speaking of which- ellie!"

as if your voice commanded her, she stumbles down the stairs with an arm full of items, but stops short when she sees joel eying you down, “i’m here-! holy shit he's awake."

"yeah," you grumble dropping the cloth on your lap, "come say hi."

she runs over, not before dropping everything in your laps without a second look, and rushes to the old mans side. she takes a good look at his face, moving it around with her hands. a worried glint passes over her face as her eyebrows furrow, then as quickly as it came anger replaces and she weakly slaps him across the face. you suppress a snicker. "don't ever do that again! you know how scared we were?! we had to haul your big ass on top of callus and y/n was worried and frantically looking for a place for you to recover-" joel glances at you, you avoid eye contact, "and don't even get me started about how much blood you lost, we thought you were going to-"

you quickly cut ellie off with a nervous laugh, noticing the quick breaths coming from joels chest, if he didn't die from the infection then he was certainly going to die of high blood pressure, "oh-kay! that's enough from you, how about you go over there and read one of your comics while i fix him up?" you stand up and grasp ellie by her shoulders and start pushing her to a snug corner in the basement.

"but-!" she starts but you lightly shove her.

"that wasn't a choice, go!" you give her one last exasperated shove and turn back towards joel who was struggling to get up. "no!" you shove him back down, keeping a firm hand on his shoulder. in return he gives your hand a bewildered look, "you are hurt, you need to be patched up, or you will die. if you ever try to get up again i assure you that the infection isn't going to be the thing to kill you, you understand me?"

joel shrinks in his place and stares over your face, after a minute he reluctantly nods and his body relaxes. "thank you." a relived sigh leaves your lips, grateful that you don't have to fight him anymore.

you give a look over the items ellie gave you and- god bless, in the pile were a small needle, string, and a small bottle of jack daniels, along with a surprisingly clean dish towel. you give a quick glance at joel to see him looking at you already with a intrigued squint. "don't look at me like that." you mummer. taking the needle you dip it in the bottle of alcohol and place it on the clean rag and move everything to the side where the wound was.

after threading the string through the small loop in the needle, you take the rag and splash the liquor on it. before you could place it on the floor joel stops you and motions towards the bottle, "gimme it."

confused, you slowly had over the drink and he swipes it, chugging half the bottle down. deadpanned, you snatch it back and place it on the floor, "joel."

"what? if you were in my position you'd want to be drunk too."

"why?" you question, pulling the blanket down and pulling his shirt up. "you don't trust me?"

"no."

"remember your life is in my hands." you place you hand just above the wound and look towards him with the needle in the other. grimacing, you press down on his stomach, "brace yourself."

after a couple hours of white knuckles, gritted teeth, incoherent sorries and gut wrenching pain, you had finally finished the stitches. halfway through ellie had taken her spot across from you, occasionally patting joel's temples free of sweat with the rag you abandoned.

without looking at her, you reach out your hand and motion towards the canteen on the floor. getting the memo, she hands it to you and grasps the back of joels head gently, lifting it up for you to better access his face. "joel." you hum quietly, raising the canteen to his lips, pulling at the bottom one, "open up, you need to drink something."

he emits a grunting noise of protest but doesn't fight it when he feels the cool water fill his dry mouth. he was half asleep, the pain from earlier wearing him out, draining him of any energy he gathered form when he passed out before.

he opens his mouth but a hoarse noise replaces any words he tries to form. you give him some more water. he coughs and wets his lips, looking to you, then ellie, then you again. "d...did you search the area?" his voice slightly cracks.

you roll your eyes and drop the canteen, "what do you think i am? a fucking noob? of course i searched the goddamn area."

"did you search the house."

you give him a blank stare, "ellie did."

"did you-"

"why do you doubt me so much?" you wouldn't call your tone annoyed, maybe disappointed, ellie noticed a hint of sorrow, "i mean i got you this far, ellie's not dead, i'm not dead, you're not dead so I honestly don't see what the issue is. do you have something against me?" your voice pitches an octave up like someone about to cry, though there is not a tear in your eyes.

joels face scrunches up, as if he was taken aback and grunts.

ellie abruptly stands and dusts off her pants, "well i'm going to go," she motions to the two of you, "i don't know what the fuck is going on but i don't want any part of it. so i'll be in my corner reading and trying not to cringe."

you watch as she walks off, then look back towards joel with an annoyed glint in your eyes. after a moment of just staring at each other you shake your head towards him, "so?"

he says nothing, and you have to look away. you been with ellie and joel since loosing tess, and that was months ago. after being through everything with joel it wouldn't kill him to be a little kinder. hell you just saved his life and all he does is just stare at you. a wave of emotions comes over you without any caution and you have to cover up an aggressive sob with a cough. "whatever," you go to stand, kicking the items out the way, pushing the almost empty canteen of water towards him. "you've just been through hell, so you deserve a day off. please, just take it."

you over to ellie who was deep in her comic, "ellie, you have a gun right?" she looks up at you, her lips between her teeth and nods, "if he tries to get up shoot him."

her body shakes from her quiet giggle and mumbles nice. you walk to the wooden staircase and pick up the shotgun you left when you first came in. "i’m going hunting, i can imagine we're all hungry."

before you walk up the stairs you spare joel a glance, to find him staring back at you. his eyes furrowed, a deep frown prominent on his lips, his eyes watching you with despair. please don't go, they say but only if you could read eyes.

you sigh and walk out the door.

#Joel miller x reader #Joel miller x platonic reader #Ellie williams x reader #Ellie williams x platonic reader #tlou fanfiction #tlou x reader #x reader #x you #x y/n #qizbe #x platonic reader #masterlist #why doesn't he just be nice #I live for angst #angst #fluff

[popawritter12]

Hi it's the anon who sent the asks for yandere zed. Can I ask for headcanons for yandere blood moon yasuo.

Author's Notes: Anon, i don't understand why two anons ask me for blood moon universe but i support it, i 100% support yandere demons <3

Even with all my energy against me, I finished the headcanons, I hope you like it even if it's a little short :C

Yandere! Blood Moon! Yasuo headcanons

Chances of your loved ones being killed

We are talking about the executioner of the blood moon, one whose main task is to eliminate other people.

He is one of the few that I say is a 100% chance.

And I say this because, unlike Talon —who prefers to stay by your side and do the killing later— he has to kill them, and there won't be any more people bothering him when he wants to take his beloved, so it's a win- win for him.

First impressions

The darling in question belonged to an organization that was responsible for being against the blood moon cultists, and especially their demons. She had been specially raised to hate demons, since they had taken her family away from her.

For the beloved it was a couple of every day trying to kill a cultist or a demon; She was known for her aggressiveness and stubbornness, being that, when the darling encountered a cultist, or worse, a demon, they would not stop until he was dead.

The beloved was bloodthirsty, cruel, and cynical when them came into contact with any member of the blood moon. And that's why they sent the executioner to kill them.

However, something bad must have happened, some mistake must have been made, something must have happened…

Because he was never able to fulfill his commission.

Fall in love

Before he was a cultist, he knew them, he knew his beloved as one of the few people who genuinely was there for him in his worst moments.

They was the beloved who always smiled at him, invited him to go for a walk or included him in a group so that he was accompanied.

And when he saw their look of disappointment, he felt as if that human part, that small human part was about to kill itself, was on the verge of mentally breaking down and apologizing to his beloved, for not being able to tell them what he felt, for not being able to tell them the truth, to be able to tell with his words how he felt that life return to his body every time their eyes met, and now… it was too late.

He tried to apologize, he tried to say that he was not going to hurt them, but in response his beloved attacked him. The beloved attacked with anger, with hatred, and mainly, with the desire to see him die.

It hurt him a lot to know that he had lost one of the best people in his life, and that now he was fighting the one he considered his beloved, the love of his life, but he couldn't do it. nothing.

Against everything, he did not attack, he even deigned to defend himself, leaving only his beloved to attack him as many times as he wanted. But his beloved let him live.

He knew then that, even with everything that had happened, his darling was still in love with him, she still longed to kiss and touch that human part of him, and that even with all the numbers against him, them still loved him like the first day they accepted feelings.

Beginning of Yanderism

He lied, he lied to his cult that he had killed that person, but he knew it was a lie, and that there were great consequences when they found out the truth. And he told to his beloved that them would have to change their identity, wishing only that his darling would get away from that life.

But within a few days, several cultists were found dead, some dismembered, others with marks from fights so deadly that their lives were taken away, and only he knew who was the author of those bloody works.

First murder or Yandere act

He himself had to kill cultists who were learning the truth, and he also took care of “some” close friends of his who were never intelligent enough to keep a secret as big as his safety or life in general. It didn't matter how many there were or how well he got along with them; If they knew the whereabouts of his darling, they were already dead.

At the same time he tried to communicate with his beloved, but he always threatened him or outright physically hurt him; Even if there was regret afterwards, however, a part of the beloved believed that it was best for them to stay away from him, since their mind always confused him because of the games she played with their own feelings.

Relationship or kidnapping

His beloved continued killing cultists and demons, but under an entity of unknown name; She wore a mask and dark-tinted clothing, seeking not to generate suspicion about her existence.

However, as always, lies have short legs —like me— and the little secret of the existence of the executioner's beloved was discovered. And an ambush was planned for the beloved. And that's where he is forced to kidnap them.

Even with his darling kicking, screaming and complaining, he still kidnapped his beloved. It was a moment between torturous and happy for him.

Since, let's agree that since he saw his beloved again, he wanted to keep them safe “in his own way”. He already loved his beloved before he became a demon, and he was the only “lighthouse” that illuminated what little humanity he had left. But a lighthouse can't stay lit forever.

Coexistence

Unlike Talon, he is much kinder to her; It's not that he speaks to her with much love or call them “honey” or “heart,” but he is quite friendly with his beloved, and gives them more freedoms than anybody might expect.

He is one of the yanderes with whom it is easiest to get along, since his way of loving, although selfish, also sought to generate a beautiful relationship with his beloved, to generate the same relationship that had come so naturally before… well, these events.

Marriage and family

As for marriage, no, I mean, I don't think that a cult that is fully dedicated to paying homage to the Blood Moon by murdering people would be very interested in marriage.

Now, if by chance certain relatives of the darling are still alive, then it is best to carefully distance themselves from the darling one in question for a simple reason; No one could know they location, no matter who the person is.

If possible, children?

Nah, I don't see any possibility in that.

Bad ending

Several months passed of absolute tranquility for both the darling and Yasuo, being that being away from all danger was… good in a way. However, there comes a point when the beloved just wants to leave; the darling decides to plan an escape, and upon achieving it, darling meets the terrible fate that demons and cultists find out about they existence; Now, knowing that the executioner had decided to lie, they ended up attacking the home that he had forged with so much effort for the two of them.

When Yasuo managed to capture his lover, he thought that he would finally be able to keep his darling safe, however, there was a problem; The demons attacked the home where he was guarding his beloved.

From here there are two possibilities

1:The cultists/demons decide that you must die, and end up taking the life of the executioner's beloved, and he, in response, had to attack.

To no one's surprise, there were many casualties that day, but the “traitor” and the traitor's darling were exterminated. However, now they were together, wherever they souls went, he was going to follow his darling, he was going to pursue her beloved even after his own death.

2- The darling is forced to join the cult of the Blood Moon, seeking to use you as a fellow member. So, even if you claimed that your family would rather publicly execute her than be part of that cult, however, consent was something that was not necessary in a cult that had already had many casualties because of a single person.

In this case, Yasuo will not be able to stop them, and they convince him that he would be the only one who could approach to his darling, and that they could both spend as much time as they wanted together, without anyone from the cult being forced to separate them.

Reasons to be a Yandere

-We are told that he used to be a human, one with a difficult life, if the beloved is unlucky enough to meet him before, then she was doomed to have an almost unhealthy affection for her.

-There is a good chance that his past is very varied; Anything could have happened to him, and it's not until he meets someone to support him through a difficult time that he clings like a limpet.

Extra data:

-Of the entire cult, he is one of the kindest towards his darling in question, however, it was somewhat strange to know that he fell in love with someone.

-He would never forbid his darling to take off his mask; He would allow it at any time, and he would love for his darling to touch his face.

-He sometimes he thinks about his life, and after everything that happened, he only thought about the life he could have had with his darling if he had never joined that cult.

-If his darling fight against him, he doesn't enjoy it, he hates that the love of his life hate him, even if the darling is afraid of him or anything else, he can't support it, and he gives his best to be able to get along with his darling.

#yandere #poppa thoughs #obsessive love #yandere x you #poppa things #yandere male #yandere league of legends #league of legends #yandere headcanons #yasuo #yandere yasuo #yandere male x reader #yandere writing #yandere lol #yandere x reader #yasuo league of legends #yandere league of legends x reader

[toe-cheese-with-rice]

Dokja x reader

Some fluff of the reader almost dying and confessing their feelings to Dokja.

Female reader, f!m

------

You searched Dokja’s eyes, hoping - pleading there was a shred of feelings You felt. But he stayed silent, your brows furrowed as he stayed still. The silence felt like barbwire wrapping around your neck, it was suffocating, your feelings choked up in her throat as you swallowed. 

“Dokja, Say something, I’m begging you.” your eyes started to sting and prick with regret as they filled with water. 

“Dokja…” Your voice cracked “I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep my promise I-” Dokja cut you off. 

“That doesn’t matter, I don’t care about that dumb promise; I just… Wish you would’ve taken me with you.” 

You paused for a moment, trying to gather the words you wish you would’ve said before.

 “You are the only thing that I fight for, if not for you I would be a lost soul trying to keep sane, Dokja. So don’t grimace or glare at my wounds, because I have seen yours through and through. You are the reason I push myself to stay alive, I really love you, more than my life.” 

Dokja gritted his teeth, all he wanted to do was protect you but he ended up hurting you more. you hadn’t been in the novel nor were you ever mentioned. This woman had read just as he did and fought just as he did, but now she is the one sacrificing herself for him. You are the one losing the wine-red blood that seeped from your body. 

“You will make it, you have to,” Dokja mumbled, holding your wounds closed while he searched the shop for potions. you sighed in response, “I’ll try my best, but if I do die, you have to stop making Yoo Joonghyuk and Han Sooyoung worry so much you idiot.” Dokja smiled a little as he bought the potions, “They’re fine, I’m not nearly as bad as you.” 

You laughed, wincing as Dokja applied ointments and potions to your wounds. You could feel the energy slowly entering back into your body. 

“Geez, how much did you spend on this many potions?”

Dokja just shook his head, “That doesn't matter, what matters is your safety.” He went silent for a moment after, making you look up at him. He seemed to be thinking about something, conflicted about it. So you reached up and caressed his pale cheek. 

“What are you thinking so hard about you peabrain?” Your thumb snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked away and back at you, your eyes locking.

 “Earlier... Did you really mean what you said?” You looked at him confused, “about what?” Dokja seemed nervous but spoke anyway, “About loving me?” You smiled at his shyness. “Of course I did, what else would I mean by that.” Dokja’s eyes shimmered a little, pouring the last bottle of medicine on your arms. 

“In that case, I… Really love you too.” Your cheeks turned slightly red as you looked at him, peace falling over you. “And... You are also the bane of my existence too, so never do something so dangerous without me. You nearly died, I thought..”  

You put your finger to Dokja’s lips, catching him by surprise. “I get it, I won’t do it again, my love.” You whispered as he held you gently, “I’m getting tired so if you don’t mind, I’m just going to - I’m going to…” He smiled as you fell asleep. “Sleep well, my love.” He spoke softly as he kissed your delicate forehead.

#kim dokja #dokja x reader #fluff #female reader #omniscient reader fanart #omniscient reader's viewpoint #omniscient reader novel #han sooyoung #yoo joonghyuk #yu joonghyeok #x reader #fem reader #x female reader

[justanamesstuff]

If I could, I'd choose you (Royal!au)

Matty Healy x f!reader (and a bit of Prince!George)

A/N: Hiii guys, i come back with a royal!au i wrote AGES ago! I hope you like it...let me know!! <333

Warnings: hurt feelings, mention of death, typos.

Word count: 3.3 K

MASTERLIST

One year ago the kingdom went to war with a long life enemy. The kingdom won the war and

brought back home many treasures, but sadly they lost many people as well. The victory was bittersweet. 

Among those brave men and women, the king gave his own life for the sake of the better good. With the supreme gone for good, the heir to the throne had to step in. Problem was, the king had three daughters: Y/n, Victoria and Angelica. Before Y/n was born the first the king and his helpers decided what would happen if he decided to decline or in the other case died. 

During her entire life Y/n lived with the idea that someday she will be queen. At the very beginning, she felt lost and insecure. Since Y/n was only a little girl, running around the castle with her sister, she was far from sure about her being a good ruler or if she could do it without her father along her side. Time went by, and the little girl turned out to be a very confident woman, ready to rule since the first minute someone told her. 

Duty called and Y/n answered for her people right away. Although she was still a young girl who suffered the loss of her father with her little sisters. On the contrary when they lost their mother, they were alone in the world except for the company of each other and most of the decisions– not to say all– fell on Y/n’s shoulders.  

One of the many decisions she had to make was to find a husband. One of the big rules her father insisted was that when Y/n became queen she had to marry a wealthy man. Y/n hated her father for that, because she felt very capable of ruling on her own without a partner. Also, she didn’t have the time or energy for courtship, she had a lot of important matters to deal with instead of wasting her time.

Y/n tried to delay the choice as long as she could, although the time was ticking and her advisors -a couple of old men very old-fashioned- insisted on the matter every day a little more. So, despite her complaints the royal ball for Y/n to choose a husband was in the making. 

She felt bad because, despite her opinions about it, the whole kingdom woke up. After a difficult war, with many losses and suffering, there wasn’t a single soul unhappy for this. The news about the influential men and princes that will come travelled fast and cheered everyone up. All of them were happy except Y/n. 

………………..

The morning of the ball, Y/n woke up sensing her body vibrating with anxiety and wishing she could run away from this madness. But the sense of responsibility and duty keep her in place. Well, not in place exactly because she started to walk around the throne room from one side  to the other. 

“Why are you huffing now?” Victoria, her sister, came in, interrupting Y/n’s thoughts. 

 Y/n turned to look at her, with an annoying face,“You know why!”

“The marring stuff?” she walked closer to her, while her velvet dress flew between her feet. 

“Yes” she simply stated.

Victoria rolled her eyes visibly, “You’re making a big deal out of it…”

“Excuse me?” Y/n exclaimed.

“You heard me.”

“Yes, but watch out. I am…” the queen went to scold her, but Victoria interrupted.

“Yeah, yeah…the Queen. You still have to wait for the coronation to say that…” Y/n’s sister reminded her. 

“Victoria!” Y/n warned her.

The girl was unbothered by her sisters words, she continued walking away from her going to sit at the throne. “As I was saying…”

Y/n stopped her this time, “I’m not making a big deal. I don’t understand why I have to marry someone I don’t know at all, just to claim my right of birth.”

“Because that’s the rule!”

“I know that part, but still…”

“Y/n, just do it and live your happy life as the Queen.”

“I can’t.” Y/n said looking down. 

Victoria stood up, coming closer. “You can, and you will!” Victoria said, lower, reaching for her sister’s hand. “You’ll be the best Queen this fucking- “

“Victoria, watch your mouth!” Y/n interrupted.

“This place would ever have, and no matter which asshole-” Y/n huffed again. “Which man you marry, you’ll rule! Not your husband, not me, not the servants…you! It’s just like a procedure, okay?”

Deep down she was thankful for her sister’s words, even though her mind was foggy with thoughts about her father and the future. And more importantly…who would be the man she married? What if she ended up hating him?

“It’s easy for you to say.” Y/n walked away.

“Do you want to marry for love?” she inquired.

“That would be very idealistic, unrealistic of me to expect a love…” Y/n said trying to convince herself. 

Who didn’t want to marry for love and not because of an arrangement? Maybe somebody, but not her. At the same time, she had no choice.

“Yeah, but…” Victoria tried once more.

“It doesn’t matter.” Y/n shook her head, stopping her sister. “I’ll choose somebody suitable today and that will be the end of this nonsense.” she stated, stretching the wrinkles of her dress while walking away.

Y/n didn’t look a way, or she would’ve seen her sister's empathy filing her eyes.

………………………………………

The party was in its highest peak. Y/n didn’t know how many men she greeted, and her face was hurting for all the smiling. The soon-to-be Queen was beyond exhausted and frustrated too.

 No one, not a single soul seems suitable or slightly good for the place they’ll have to fill. 

In line awaited three more princes. One of the servants was in charge of announcing the names one by one to later approach her presence. 

“Prince George Bedford Daniel, Kingdom of Ocaton.” the loyal servant shout for everyone to hear.

The prince walked forward without dropping the eye contact. Those hazelnut piercing eyes playing a battle with hers, made Y/n felt observed and insecure for a minute.

“Princess Y/n, it’s a pleasure to meet your highness.” the tall blonde said while he bowed.

Y/n extended her hand, which George answered kissing her rings. “The pleasure it’s all mine.” the princess didn’t know how many times she said the same sentence.

“It is?” he crocked an eyebrow.

“Excuse me?” she was shocked by his abrupt answer.

“Pardon me, your highness. I can tell you met more eloquent men this night.” he said, smiling with sarcasm.

“Sir!” one of her advisors tried to warn him about his attitude.

“Don’t worry, Philip.” she turned to look at him, and then returned her sight to George. “I can manage him.” she gifted the old man a smile. “Replying to you, Prince…” Y/n inquired him, faking not remembering his name.

“George, my princess.”

Y/n didn’t acknowledge the possessive pronoun. “Right. Well, I’m happy about meeting all of  them…all of you, my guests.“ 

“Yes, I can perfectly tell.” George kept the amused tone, surprising Y/n once more. “Can I tell you how stunning you look in that dress, princess?” he asked, cheekily gaining a smile from Y/n

After many boring candidates George was a breeze of something different she found quite interesting and seductive. Y/n still have two more candidates waiting for her attention, so he would have to wait. 

“Thank you. You look adequate for the situation, Prince.” she teased him.

George found it amusing, replying, “It was what I was aiming for, your highness. ” Y/n tried to hide her chuckle, but the man noticed it. 

Containing her laugh, Y/n ended the conversation with a simple, “Hope you enjoy the evening, my prince.” finally dispatching him.

“Until next time, Y/n.” he lined down kissing her hand once more before leaving without looking back at her. 

****

The next candidate was pretty much the same as the previous before Matty. Hence why, Y/n didn’t spend more than a minute talking with him, listening to the stupid speech the advisors of the prince –with a flat personality– made him memorize probably. 

“Sir Matthew Timothy Healy.” the servant screamed the name of the last men. 

Since the first moment Y/n placed her eyes on him, her entire body tingled and burned. She was shocked by this unknown causing a reaction on her. Y/n couldn’t keep her eyes away from him. He was shorter than George but not for much. His eyes were brown, like hers, but shined brighter than any others. His brown locks were perfectly and imperfectly at the same time arranged in the top of her head. 

As if he knew what colour her dress would be, Thomas wore a blue suit which defined his body in the most beautiful way. Physically, he was perfect. The definition of the prince her father always talked about for her. 

“It is a great pleasure to meet such a beautiful Queen.” he said, looking directly into her eyes.

“Princess. Soon to be Queen.” she replied.

“Pardon me, your highness?”

“It’s my pleasure to meet you.” she continued the conversation.

Y/n wanted to listen to his voice forever, she was very sure she would never get tired of it, of him. His voice was mellow and rhythmic, inviting her to drown into his beautiful melody. He captivated her.

“Are you satisfied with the candidates?” he dared to ask.

“Watch your place, Matthew.” she said sternly but sweet.

“I only want to know if I have a proper competitor or if I’m winning already.” he smirked. From sweet, he turned to a little bit cocky and that was another refreshing moment during the boring night.

“You’ll have to wait for my answer…as the rest of the men.” Y/n answered.

“I’m looking forward to it.” he lined down and kissed her cheek.

Y/n froze on her place even though before she could acknowledge the action or even say something, Matty was gone and out of her sight. Her heart was pounding so loud in her chest that probably everyone could hear it above the music. 

The princess had to decide, although between all the people she met that night she had only two options.

……………………………….

Y/n was talking with her advisors and letting them know what she thought about the men they chose for her when Victoria stumbled in her private conference room. 

“Princess Victoria, you have to wait outside until we finished!” Philip reprimanded her.

“I want to speak with my sister.” the young princess demanded in her place anxiously. Probably the men in the room didn’t notice her bubbly feelings but Y/n knew her sister as the back of her hand. 

“It’s all right. I already finished expressing my opinions and heard yours, when I have a final decision I’ll go out and speak to the waiting room.” all of them moved their heads in agreement, proceeding to leave the room.

Victoria couldn’t contain herself and started talking. “I meet the love of my life!” she screamed, sitting down abruptly in a chair near Y/n’s.

“Oh, really?” Y/n said suspiciously. Victoria tended to fall in love with many men along the way and never truly persuade a relationship.

“Yes, he’s perfect. He’s handsome and dresses very nicely. He’s a gentleman and…I love him.” she sighed romantically.

“That’s quick.” Y/n bitterly said.

Victoria turned looking at her older sister, stunned, “You don’t believe me.”

“Who is this prince?” Y/n decided to ignore her words because she knew it was useless to tell her sister anything involving love and feelings.

“He’s not a prince. He’s a Sir.” Victoria looked at her, waiting for a reaction. Y/n didn’t show a single change on her face, but her body got warm again. Sir Matthew was around the castle, and she wanted to talk to him again.

“And that’s fine for you?” Y/n asked.

“Yes, he’s the love of my life!” Y/n admire the self-confidence she had to say that so easily.

“Do you know his name?” 

“Yes!” Victoria smiled even more widely if that was possible.

“And?” Y/n grew anxious.

“His name is Matthew.” with that sentence Y/n’s world fell apart. 

She knew they were talking about the same man that captivated her half an hour ago. Right away, Y/n understood why her sister was so sure about it, and she knew very well that her desires couldn’t be fulfilled.

Y/n needed, had to make the better decision not for her heart but for the kingdom and for her family. Matty was a Sir and George was a Prince, she couldn’t pass above that fact. And with the information of her sister wanting Matthew for herself, the decision was already made.

 “Tell me more.” Y/n said absently, letting her sister rambling about this new man while her heart broke bit by bit.

…………………………………………

The night of the ball ended with Y/n’s assistance, Philip, announcing that George was the choosing one by the soon-to-be Queen. After that, Y/n gave a short speech thanking all the candidates and promising George her willingness to build a good and prosper alliance.

During her turn to speak, Y/n couldn’t look at Matty. Although, she felt his sight on her. Y/n would’ve to live with the pain weighing in her heart. 

Matty understood right away why Y/n chose George, but it hurt him deeply. Sir Matthew felt his heart settle down for Y/n since the moment he saw her standing, listening to boring men without a single grimace of annoyance. He admired her and felt very fond of Y/n. 

Healy decided that no matter what he wouldn’t run away like a wounded animal. He would be close to her and help in everything he could, or she asked him. 

Matty wasn’t ready to walk away, so he decided to turn all his love and caring to Victoria who was obviously whiling to accept whatever he offered. He proposed to her right away after Y/n’s engagement and Victoria accepted without skipping a beat. Since their father was gone, Matthew had to ask Y/n for Victoria’s hand, and he would never forget the pain on her face when she muttered her approval. 

It was so frustrating for both of them because they only had the chance to properly talk only once, and they never shared a proper kiss, but the love was there. Matty and Y/n could feel it, even though they’ll never tell anyone…or the other. They weren’t selfish people. He was sure of it. Both of them knew that it was a better option for everyone.

****

Even though the day of the ceremony something itched him thinking about what he was going to witness, what the whole kingdom would. The ceremony would declare Y/n and Harrison as a married couple, as the new rulers, Queen and King. Matthew’s heart felt heavy. 

During the morning of Y/n’s wedding, Matty felt the need to find Y/n and tell her about his feelings, or do something. He didn’t want to live his life letting this opportunity slip through his fingers.

He ran around the castle looking for her. Matty thought numerous people would be surrounding her although to his surprise, two guards await at her door and not a single sound could be heard. Even the clicking of his shoes was louder than anything else.

“I wish to see Princess Y/n.” he told the guard.

“You’ll have to wait for after the ceremony, she didn’t want to see anyone.”

“I need to speak to her.” he urged the guard.

“Sir, please.” the other one alerted him.

In the middle, one of her personal stylists opened the door and Matty took the opportunity running inside. The guards followed him, stumbling till the three men stood in front of the future queen.

Quickly the guards rearranged their posture and the senior one started talking, “We’re deeply sorry to interrupt this way, Princess Y/n. Your brother-in-law…” he continued, making her heart sank. “We warned him you didn’t want to see anyone.“

“It’s fine. Leave us alone.”

“But Princess- “

“Leave us alone! It’s an order!” she half shouted. The guards obeyed and until the door made a noise letting Y/n and Matty know they were in fact alone, they just stared into each other’s eyes.

“What do you need, Sir Matthew?”

“Please, don’t do it!” he said directly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Please, don’t marry George!” he walked closer, but Y/n moved backwards.

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you do.” Thomas grabbed her hands carefully.

She warned him, “Matty- “

“Y/n, please.” he begged. “I know you, as well as me, felt it…” he leaned forward and touched her forehead with his.

“Please don’t do this now.” she closed her eyes, feeling pain and happiness having him so close to her. “You have Victoria, and I have Harrison now…You’ll be happy.”

“Every time I tried to convince myself of that I instantly think that I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life without you.”

“You have me forever.” she stated low. “You have my heart, although you know this is better for everyone.”

“Think of me. Think of you. Us. What we want…not what is best for- “

“I have to- “

“Screw that!” he startled her with his high tone, leaning slight backwards.

“This it’s not easy for me either…” she looked down. Y/n was as hurt as he felt. Matty took her chin, making her look up.

“My angel…” he whispered, making Y/n sob quietly. “Shh, shh, don’t.” he cleaned her tears. “I love you.”

“Matty” she looked up to his eyes. She saw the love for her.

“I love you, I’ll never stop but… I do understand that’s why I’ll leave my selfish heart here when I leave. I’ll marry your sister, watch you marry another man…and no matter what I’ll be close to you because I can’t live without you in my life, my eternal love. We’ll be close…because you’re my moon, and I’m the stars. I’ll be by your side watching you become the best Queen this twisted world would ever have the privilege to have. I’ll be close, supporting you…but I’ll love you from afar…I’ll love you till my last breath, Y/n.” Matty leaned forward, catching her lips on a slow kiss. 

The kiss was bittersweet. They shared in that simple but meaningful act all the love and care, as well the pain and frustration they felt.

“Please go.” she said, closing her eyes while crying.

“Of course, my Queen.” Matty reluctantly walked backwards. 

“I’m not- “

“You’re…for me.” he smiled at Y/n.

Y/n watched Matty walked around her room going directly to the double door. She had her heart in her hand at the same time she held the tears from falling.

“Matty!” she exclaimed, desperately. He didn’t turn around completely, he gave her a side look.

“Yes?”

“I- “she tried to say it.

After a couple of seconds in silence, Matthew asked. “Yes, my Queen?”

“I lo- Damn it!” she exclaimed, and he chuckled a little, turning around fully.

“I know, my love. I know.” he gifted her a sweet smile and then he left for good.

…………………………………………….

After the ceremony, the newly-wed couple step outside on the balcony, greeting the people that happily cheered for them. Some of them cried, some laughed, even though the entire kingdom was alive again in spirit. 

Y/n turned around making her sight land on Matty.

No matter how much the people, her people, would be happy for her and her new husband she would never felt the same as them. The only reassurance was thinking Matthew would be there, by her side, forever. Their love would last until their last breath and beyond.

#royal!au #matty healy #matty healy fic #matty healy x reader #matty healy x y/n #matty healy x you #matty healy fanfic #matty the 1975 #george daniel #george daniel x you #george daniel x y/n

[chaioticcoffee]

Crosshair x Reader

Warnings: small bit of blood, death of reader bc idk

tags: angst that's it

A/N: uuuuuuh yeah idk why I wrote this idk 💀 it wouldn't leave my mind tho

Reader's gender isn't specified

I mostly wrote this as practice so yee I hope you still enjoy if you want to read this!

Repeat Until Death

_______________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

Pain was the first thing you registered as you came back to your senses, as well the slowly numbing cold underneath you.

You struggled to breathe, trying desperately to get your mind back on track to assess your situation clearly. When your eyes finally opened you were hit by the blinding white snow you were laying upon. Your vision drifts further ahead, where your lightsabre lays, behind it was a dead body.

That's when it all came flooding back- you running to Crosshair after his sniping position was revealed, the rest of the Bad Batch too far away so you would have had to handle it yourself. You had no idea just how many troopers there was going to be. You could tell that there were both Clone and Storm troopers going against you, overwhelming you in numbers just like they did Crosshair, who was already down when you got to him.

'Crosshair.'

Your mind reminded you as you force yourself to push through the pain, pushing yourself up with shaking arms, finding that your legs didn't seem to want to cooperate. You let out a weak frustrated breath- it might have been from the pain, or maybe both. You look around as fast as your weak body allowed you to, your eyes finally landing on Crosshair who you found sitting with his back leaning against the rough bark of the tree behind him. You recall him struggling to keep his upper body upright, later using the tree for support so he could help you fight against the troops when it became apparent that you had walked straight into their trap.

Slowly but surely, you crawled your way to him. It was painful, it was straining, but that wouldn't stop you. You had to make sure he was still alive.

Only once you've reached his left side did you allow yourself to take a moment to breathe. Your body was trembling from the strain and from the cold, your previously cauterized wounds from the blasters having opened somewhere along the way to the man you loved.

"(Y/N).." your head snapped to Crosshair, whose head was now turned towards you, expression hidden by his helmet. He immediately saw your shaking body and slowly reached out to you, managing to pull your body close to him with your help and moves to encircle you with his arms as best as he can manage so to keep you as warm as he can.

His armor thankfully tanked most of the blaster shots impacts but unfortunately 3 shots made it past the armor- once in his side, another in the stomach and another that was just below his lungs. It's truly already a miracle that he's still alive and you know very well that he won't stay for long. To be fair, you weren't in a better shape specifcally regarding the fact that you, in fact, did not have armor on you. Your consciousness was already slipping and you could tell that it was the same for Crosshair.

"Maker, it hurts so bad..." Your voice cracks, you clench your eyes shut and Crosshair's heart shatters. "I know.. I'm sorry, I wasn't- able to protect you like I should- have." His own voice was unsteady and he sometimes had to stop shortly to catch his breath.

You shook your head to tell him it wasn't his fault. One solution came to mind, which will inevitably drain you of your energy a lot faster, but it would give Crosshair a larger chance to survive until the squad came back.

The bright sun and the purple-blue sky contrasting with the snow was truly a beautiful sight, the 2 moons of the planet and the bright stars only adding to the beautiful scenery. Crosshair just wished he could have enjoyed it with you under different circumstances. He tightens his grip on you, bringing your body closer to his while all he could do is wait for both of you to run out of time. "I guess- I'll see you on the other side then, Cyare."

Why did he sound like he was crying? Why could you not open your mouth to respond to him? 'I'm not ready yet.' You thought you had more time with him- there were still so many things you wanted to talk to him about. Unfortunately, Crosshair had already succumbed to the darkness as soon as he had finished his sentence. You knew he was still alive, and you wasted no time in using your life force to slowly heal his injuries as your head buried itself deeper into the spot between his neck and his shoulder. You were fully aware that you weren't going to last until his wounds fully healed, but it was worth a shot, right? Is you saving him a bad idea? Is he going to hate you for making him live on without you? No. This is for the best. You just wished you had more time. More time to talk together, to tell him you loved him, to explore planets together, to be just you and him against the world.

Dying was inevitable, you had learned that early on during your training as a Jedi.

'I'm sorry for leaving you Cross... I know I promised I wouldn't.' Your inability to talk kind of frustrated you, but you grew so unbelievably tired that your frustrations were immediately forgotten, it being replaced with the fear of having to leave your beloved so soon. Through the tears you were trying to fight the darkness that threatened to engulf you. It was pointless, and even with your best effort, your eyes slipped shut once again.

_______________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

"Over here Tech!" Hunter called out with a tone of urgency as he made his way to Crosshair's and your position after finally having defeated the enemy reinforcements they had sent. The closer he got the clearer the scent of blood and smoke became, a clear indication of a fight having taken place nearby.

When they finally reached the site, the batch allowed themselves to take a moment to process the view. It was truly a massacre. Dead bodies lay scattered all around and near the middle of it was a trail of blood. Just by looking at the pattern and the displaced snow around the trail of blood can one conclude that someone had crawled to wherever the trail was leading to. Hunter followed where the trail lead to with his eyes and that's how he spotted 2 very familiar figures, you in Crosshair's arms. Hunter allowed himself to panic just this once and he, Tech and Echo ran towards the 2 bodies that were huddled together while Wrecker stayed behind with Omega and tried his best to comfort the poor child as she couldn't hold back her tears at the sight of you both. If it wasn't for Hunter's enhanced hearing, he wouldn't have heard Crosshair's shallow breathing nor his weak heartbeat.

He doesn't think he'll get that mental image of you two like this out of his mind any time soon- Crosshair and you holding each other close, hoping to gain any kind of warmth and comfort while you both waited for death to take you.

All Hunter could do right now though is hold onto you while Tech accesses Crosshair's injuries, ignoring the look Tech gave when he did so. It was obvious that Crosshair shouldn't be alive, and Hunter had a hunch as of how he had survived this long.

#crosshair x reader #crosshair x you #crosshair x y/n #crosshair angst #crosshair fanfic #crosshair bad batch #my fics

[sparksnevadas]

Hewwo its me sparks, a little bug that hasnt been feeling well for the past x amount of time. I wrote a little angst/comfort drabble thats not really canon to gihasm but it fits where you want it to fit after last chapter. Its not my usual quality but it seems lots of people are not doing great so im just going to share. I hope you all feel better. <3

(tw: negative thoughts)

===

The alarm bell rang and Grian knew it was going to be a bad day.

He had had the dream again, the one about flying high above the clouds before something changes, and he plummets to the ground. He’d kept dreaming as he hit the floor, pain a distant thing (shock, his sleep-brain reminds him, shock can make things hurt less).

On the floor, he was twisted up, broken and civilians gathered immediately. He can still hear the disgusted murmurs of them, see their pointed fingers and see their sneers.

“Someone put it out of its misery.”

Grian forces himself to turn off his alarm through the fog. His body feels tense, his wings are tensely held on his back. He doesn’t feel like moving at all, and barely manages to curl back up when his energy leaves him again. The wings on his back feel like a burden, their ugly state makes Grian want to go into hiding and not see another person. He was broken, trash that someone forgot to take to the curb.

Amidst dark thoughts and the blankets, Grian slips in and out of restless sleep. When he’s not asleep, he stares at the wall. He feels like a broken computer, repeating the same ideas over and over, feeling worse and worse as it gets harder to quiet the thoughts down.

“No one cares about you if you can’t help them,” his brain reminds him. “You're nobody if you're not Apollo. No one trusts you.  No one cares.”

He covers his head in the blankets, upset and angry at himself. “I'm useless, if I can't help people or make them safer, what's the point of it all? Why do anything at all?”

Pressure builds in his chest, something heavy and disgusting. “Im pathetic, worse than…”he hesitates as he realizes he can’t insert the name of his former nemesis, not after the past months. He lets the sentence linger.

Grian both wishes for and hates the idea of Scar or Mumbo noticing his lack of presence today. Maybe theyll realize how much of a burden he is to keep around. Will they realize it's better to drop him off at a random bus stop, send him back on his way to be dealt with by Pearl?

Mumbo would know. He left for a whole year and didn’t need him at all.

Grian surprises himself when tears burn through his eyes, forming fast enough that he doesn't process he's crying until he's struggling to catch his breath. It still hurts to remember that Mumbo did not trust him enough. Maybe he had been right to not trust him. Grian was an idiot, a fool who had to have his eyes pried open to actually see the reality of the world around him. The world was cruel, it hated him and it was right to-

Distantly, Grian hears some sort of sound behind his cries. It's only when a door is being opened that he realizes it was knocked.

“Grian?” Mumbo calls out cautiously. “Are you sleeping in?”

“Mm,” Grian hums noncommittally. Something must sound off to Mumbo, because he doesn’t retreat.

“Grian?”

“I’m fine,” Grian chokes out. “Give me a moment, I’ll- I’ll be back to-“

“Grian?” Mumbo closes the door and immediately steps further into the room, coming to kneel at his bed. “G, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Grian frowns, face still hidden from Mumbo. He shakes his head emphatically so Mumbo can see his answer. His throat is swollen, he won't be able to talk like this.

“Are you sick?” Again Grian shakes his head. Mumbo pauses. Slowly, like a person approaching a wild animal, he asks. “Are you not feeling well?”

Grian doesn’t respond.

Mumbo waits for a long moment, before taking a deep breath.

“I can imagine what this might be about, mate, we should talk about-“ Mumbo says, and Grian curls up further into a ball. Mumbo pauses. 

Tense quiet fills the room. Grian tries to suppress a sniffle but doesn't succeed. He grips his arms, trying to hold himself together, at least while Mumbo sticks around.

Mumbo shifts, more of his weight pressing against the mattress.

“Y’know what usually makes me feel better on bad days?” He asks Grian. Something light touches the bed beside him. Grian hesitates to peek at it, but Mumbo tells him what it is. “Holding a friend’s hand.”

Grian tears up again at how considerate his friend is. Consideration even for someone as undeserving as himself. He pulls away the blankets, revealing himself in the process of taking Mumbo’s hand into his own. He doesn't look at Mumbo as he sniffles and silently cries. He's overwhelmed again.

Mumbo’s hand is warm and heavy. Grian holds his hand tightly, almost scared that Mumbo will disappear. Mumbo’s thumb caresses his own idly, his hold more loose, but still caring. Grian lays there, holding Mumbo’s hand tightly until the wave passes him, his head coming up for clear air after an indeterminate amount of time.

Grian slowly, almost cowardly, looks up to find Mumbo’s face, only to see that Mumbo is already looking at him. He looks saddened, but not angry. Grian isn't sure why he expected Mumbo to be angry. Mumbo was not an angry man by nature.

“I think it works a little,” Grian says, his voice a little stronger now. He squeezes Mumbo’s hand even tighter for a beat. Mumbo smiles and sighs through his nose.

“I'm glad,” Mumbo says. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Shame fills Grian’s mind as he shakes his head. Mumbo doesn't press further

“Then, Is there anything else I can do?” He asks sincerely. “I don't like seeing you like this, Grian, it hurts me.”

“Im sorry,” Grian apologizes quickly. “You don't have to stay-“

“No, that's not what I meant,” Mumbo cuts him off. “It's just… Grian you’re my best friend,mate, I don’t want you to ever feel bad. I… y’know I really care for you. You're one of the most important people I've had the luck of ever meeting, much less become friends with, yknow?”

The words almost fall on deaf ears, Grian’s brain twisting the words against him. How unlucky, Grian mentally corrects. He means how unlucky he is he's stuck with me.

Grian struggles to quiet his brain, something Mumbo likely notices in his face. He looks conflicted, almost lost as he leans closer to Grian.

“It’s true, you're my best friend,” Mumbo insists. Grian’s mouth twists, feeling himself tear up again.

In an impulsive moment, Grian lets go of Mumbo’s hand and throws his arm up, looking at Mumbo. Mumbo hesitates for only a second before climbing into the bed and wrapping his arm around Grian. With his weight against him, Grian suddenly feels like he can breathe.

He tucks his forehead against Mumbo’s neck, soaking in the warmth of his best friend's body. It warms him where he hadn't realized he had gotten cold, something human replacing the mess of tangled emotions in him. Grian presses his entire body into Mumbo’s, clinging onto him, feeling relief in every touch Mumbo easily offers.

Mumbo’s heartbeat is loud and clear, heavy and smooth. He presses closer, almost suffocating warmth in Mumbo’s embrace.

“I love you,” Mumbo whispers into his ear. It's not the first time he's said it at this point, but it's still rare to hear this soon. “You are so, so important to me. To scar too. He told me to check on you. Wouldnt tell me why.”

Grian nuzzles him, throwing a leg over Mumbo’s. He can feel Mumbo’s heartbeat through his neck, and he concentrates on it, closing his eyes. 

Scar knew he was feeling bad but hadn’t wanted to come in. Was Grian that much of a burden? Or was it that Scar knew Grian would more likely kick him out than let him close like he would Mumbo when he felt this terrible? Grian isn't sure. He feels himself starting to shake, his wings shifting and rustling. Mumbo reaches for them, but Grian pulls the betraying wings away, shaking his head. Mumbo relents, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist.

“Can we lay down like this for a while?” Grian chokes out through his guilt. “Or-“

“As long as you like,” Mumbo nods. “I don't mind.”

“…You're too nice,” Grian whispers. “I don’t deserve you, do I?”

“Grian…” Mumbo answers softly. “Don’t say that. You mean the world to me.”

It only makes Grian want to cringe more. It made him feel guilty. “You deserve someone as kind as you. Someone good.”

“You’re good,” Mumbo insists, hugging him tighter for emphasis. “Grian, you don’t understand how happy I am that you’re in my life, that you cared enough to keep looking for me after I left. It takes a good person to assume the best in others, even if we did nothing to deserve it.”

Grian frowns. “Still,” he tries to enlighten Mumbo. “That’s just the bare minimum of what you deserve, you should be with-”

“Stop it,” Mumbo’s hold loosened. “Stop talking about who deserves what. I love you. I don’t care about anybody else,” His hold shifts, one of Mumbo’s hands reaching into Grian’s hair as he pulls the avian against him. “Only you and Scar. I’m going to love you no matter what, Grian, stop trying to convince me not to!”

And Grain can’t help it. He tears up, feeling like a child. He whimpers and sobs and wipes his tears on Mumbo’s poor shirt, holding onto the shirt for his life. He’s so undeserving of this kindness, but he wants it so badly. Mumbo holds him through it, whispering little reassurances into his hair, gently combing it with his fingers. Intense and burning fondness for his friend rears its head in Grian, making him catch a sob in his throat as words spill through.

“I love you too,” Grian sobs into Mumbo’s neck. “I love you so much.”

“I know,” Mumbo kisses his hair. “I love you just as much.”

And to imagine this much  love and adoration flows through Mumbo like it does Grian breaks him a little inside. Mumbo deserves so much more. He deserves a nice set of partners, with a normal home and a normal kid. Or maybe it would still be Grumbot. But if this is the life he wants, all Grian can do is count his luck and love him back more.

Grian tilts his head up and kisses the underside of Mumbo’s jaw. Mumbo leans back, tilting his chin down to look at him. The angle gives him a bit of a double chin, which Grian eagerly obliges with another kiss. Mumbo smiles at him. Grian can’t quite replicate a smile on his own face now, but he leans up and gives Mumbo’s cheek a kiss. He kisses across Mumbo’s face until the two are forehead to forehead across Grian’s pillow.

“I don’t like my wings,” Grian says quietly. 

“Do you want to bleach them?” Mumbo asks.

Grian hesitates. “I’m not Apollo anymore.”

“You can still bleach them if that’s what you want, Grian,” Mumbo answers calmly, still playing with Grian’s hair, softly kneading Grian’s scalp in a way that makes him want to sigh dreamily.

“I don’t know,” Grian closes his eyes against the sensation on his scalp. It tingles pleasantly.

“Or we can dye them another color. Not white, but something different,” Mumbo suggests. “You’ll still be nice with any color of wings.”

“Pretty?” Grian asks, smiling a bit. He opens his eyes to see Mumbo roll his eyes.

“Yes, very pretty,” he corrects. “And very handsome, Grian.”

Grian smiles, leaning forward to press a kiss to Mumbo’s nose. Mumbo huffs.

“Can you stop missing already,” he says with mock annoyance. “I want to be kissed by my very pretty best friend.”

Grian smiles for a second, leaning in incrementally before the guilt makes him freeze. Mumbo closes the gap, pressing a kiss to his unmoving lips. Mumbo pulls back.

A few seconds pass before Mumbo leans up and kisses Grian’s nose. “It’s not just the wings, is it?”

Grian frowns, not meeting his eyes. Mumbo nods anyway. 

“We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to. But Scar and I are here when you want to,” he reminds him. “We love you, you know.”

Grian sighs. “I know.”

“We love you a lot,” Mumbo nods, pressing his nose into his hair. “Do you want to cuddle until Scar misses us and comes looking?”

Grian rolls his eyes but tucks himself into Mumbo’s shoulder, closing his eyes. His dry eyes find relief in the darkness again, this time a lot less heavy than before. Before he knows it, he starts to fade into dreamless sleep.

—------

Grian wakes to hands combing through his wings, the sensation of a loose feather being pulled giving him relief. He finds himself laying on his stomach, warmly tucked against Mumbo’s heart. More than a pair of hands make their way through his wings, bringing him pleasant warmth. He spreads his wings further with a soft groan. Mumbo stiffens under him. Scar has the opposite reaction; he laughs delightfully. The sound is full of love, especially when it gets closer, and Scar presses a small kiss to the back of Grian’s neck. Grian tenses, feeling a warm wave wash down his spine from the feeling.

“Go back to sleep, birdie,” Scar coos. “We got you. We’ll take good care of you. We’re right here.”

And for the moment before Grian falls back asleep, Grian believes him and smiles.

#mumscarian #gihasm #grumbo #theres a few typos sorry

[4dtk]

a/n: arguing with gojo, but it gets better dw! fluffy. not proofread. also tumblr stop fucking closing my DRAFTTTSSS bitch i wasn’t DONE

you aren’t quite sure how you’ve gotten to this point, but you know it started as something trivial, something so small that hardly had any significance in your life. alas, doubt always had to interfere.

“i don’t even see you at home, satoru! we’re dating, but we feel more like hi-bye friends.”

gojo only groans, dragging a hand down his face. he wishes relationships aren’t so difficult, he wishes love doesn’t come back to kick him in the ass every single time, but at some point, he guessed that he would’ve had some karma to repay at some point.

“why’re you asking me this after i only missed one dinner?” satoru asks and he knows he’s said the wrong thing already. even when his body weighs him down and he wants to just fucking collapse from exhaustion, he still observes how your face falls at the question.

he hangs onto the thread that you wield, keeping this somewhat relationship together, but he can feel your hand tire, he can feel your fatigue and he feels terrible. he feels terrible because never had he wanted to protect someone so badly.

it’s like the universe continually throws gojo chance after chance after his failure to protect his best friend — too heartbroken to send his body for cremation. after his close call with yuji — who in the end still had to be executed. and you? god, satoru treads so carefully that he wishes the glass would just shatter already.

but he never wanted you to hurt yourself on broken glass, at least not by his hand.

“one… dinner?” gojo winces at the loud sigh you let out, “satoru, you missed many! and sure, they aren’t special occasions, but why can’t i have one normal night with my boyfriend?” 

you hated fighting, you hated confrontations, but as long as gojo was avoiding your questions and switching to instant affection, you tried to push on; even if your heart is squeezing to the point of hurting.

“where the fuck do you go every day, anyway?” there’s disdain in your tone, and gojo beats himself up that you’d settle for that scenario — not the one where maybe, he had a dangerous job that involved creepy out-of-shape beings, that he’s made a myriad of mistakes and is probably going to make many more.

how does he tell you that you aren’t one?

“you’re not seeing someone else, are y—”

“no.” he swallows, and satoru isn’t sure whether to let you know of jujutsu and everything it entails. the good and the bad, the curses and its users.

but you’re reaching your end, too, and maybe if you storm off, everything will be fine in the morning and the relationship will be back in its stagnant state until the next outburst. “then what is it, satoru?” your voice cracks, an unreadable expression upon your face and there’s tears that line your eyes. 

“no. no, no and definitely no. i’m not seeing anyone else. i—” satoru gulps, cautiously walks up to you in his apartment. around him, the essence of you lies here and there, from hairbrushes to your favourite books; hell, he could spot your shoes from where he was. “i… i’m a teacher. i go to a school to teach, everyday. i just—”

you sigh again, swallowing your stubborn pride and rest your head against his chest. your heart swells when he wraps his arms around you, reminding you of how much you love his lanky body against yours.

“in our world, it just so happens that… negative energy and feelings manifests into terrible things,” satoru’s voice is soft in the night, hand stroking your back gently, “and i sort of eradicate them with jujutsu, along with different techniques that help us to exorcise these things.”

“you’re not talking out of your ass, are you?” the world is small, and you’re not against the idea of these things that may terrorise the human race — the human species is not exactly innocent, either, and gojo wasn’t one to lie when he’s being serious. he is still gojo, however. “i swear if you are—”

there’s a warmth to your back, the feeling of energy being pulled in and the undeniable tug of matter, but somehow you’re not affected. your faces are lit up by the redness of a glowing orb by your sides, and you think that there’s no way that superpowers really exist.

“this is my cursed technique; it’s where the energy repels anything and effectively blows it away.” the way gojo mentions that so casually should make you think he’s skilled in handling his own power, but you’re still paranoid to some extent.

“and you’re holding it out like that like it’s cake or something?”

satoru laughs, immediately dissolving the ball of energy upon seeing your expression, “okay, okay, i’ll dispel it.”

your head tilts up to face him, and you aren’t sure of what he’s feeling with the blindfold covering his eyes. “so what are those things called? what’s your technique?”

“they’re called curses. they form from negative emotions — which also can be considered as cursed energy, but that’s the boring stuff,” gojo waves it off like you’re not hearing this for the first time, “do you wanna hear about why i use my blindfold?” narrowing your eyes, you can only nod.

“well, my family bloodline has something called the six eyes, and it allows me to see anything and everything in extreme detail — sort of like an infrared thermometer — so most of the time—”

“you cover them?”

gojo agrees with a small ’yeah’, placing a kiss upon the crown of your head, and you try not to let it show how much it affects you, “if not, i’ll feel giddy, and wear out fast.”

tenderly, you lift up one side of the blindfold and the other hopes you’d do that more offen, “and your other techniques?”

“i didn’t even— how’d you know?” you’re so invested that you don’t realise satoru sits you down onto the couch, slumping your body into his while he cuddles you close to him.

“i mean, seeing everything like an infrared thermometer is pretty cool and stuff, but i don’t think the strongest only has that.” you tease him, making sure he knows you aren’t warming up to him too fast (but then again, he was very good at diminishing your anger).

gojo’s about to ask another question, but you speak before he can.

“and you’re not exactly quiet on the phone, you know. and you usually go off to work after that, anyway.”

the sorcerer laughs softly at your attentiveness, possibly in relief at the way you're loosening up. the night is spent with having gojo explain his technique, his students’, the structure of the jujutsu world and many other things that it doesn’t actually register in your brain — you just like looking at your boyfriend talk his head off and look good doing it, even more when he knows what he’s saying.

yawning, you interrupt his ramble (boast) about how he’s never had to get healed since he’s perfected infinity, touching the black fabric once more. only this time, you pull it down, revealing the blue irises that lay behind icy white eyelashes. it’s not you haven’t seen them before, but they’re always a product of satoru’s protected personality, like something he doesn’t want you to find out about.

and in a way, it’s true — to keep six eyes and jujutsu hidden was like putting up frosted glass against an ocean that extends to the ends of the earth. somehow there, yet, not crystal clear enough. but then the glass is gone, broken, even, and you’re staring with the naked eye into clashes of cerulean and royal and sapphire and cyan and you wonder why you never thought to find out what the sound of waves and seagulls look like.

and even if you despise the scorching, hot sun on your skin, you think satoru is like an endless bout of beaches where the wind runs through you freely and lifts your cheeks into a smile. satoru is like freedom in a shitty world such as this.

you’re just unaware that gojo sees the same in you: freedom, exhilaration, a flutter of the human heart.

“this was a stupid argument, ’m sorry,” you slur your words, sleepily gazing up at the bluest eyes you’ve seen in your life. you can’t wait to get him gifts in the colour of his eyes.

“no, no, baby, i should be the one apologising.” satoru frowns, holding your face in his hands gently. slowly, his thumbs caress the skin there and he gets an idea. it’s not mischievous; more of cheesy and sappy, but gojo finds that he doesn’t mind it one bit.

“i’m sorry,” the first one lands on your forehead. soon, the second and third, on both your eyelids. “no more secrets, i’m sorry,” the fourth and fifth are sloppy, dramatic ones on each of your cheeks and gojo laughs when you try to wipe his spit off your face. the both of you know he has one more to give, but it’s left to the end as he kisses you like a boy inexperienced. like he’s afraid to hurt you again with the mistakes of his past and the carefully constructed walls of the present. you reluctantly stop the kiss before you get pulled into the current.

“that’s terribly cheesy.”

“i’m sorry, princess,” satoru sighs against your lips, cracking his eyes open to take in your scent and beauty and he hoped you didn’t hear his heart jump, palpitate, flutter. “no more secrets, yeah?”

your sentence is cut off by another yawn, feeling the soft push of his hand to his chest. “was that apology for the argument or the sappy stuff?” gojo just rolls his eyes with a fond smile, knowing you loved the lovey-dovey stuff as much as he did. “plus, i probably am worth more apologies.”

you didn’t know the weight of your words, because gojo satoru thought you deserved everything and more that he hopefully could give you. he didn’t know what to say, but he only finds the words later when you’re peacefully sleeping in his arms, a small smile plastered on your face.

“yeah, you deserve the divinity that everyone holds true to gods. heck, you’re piece of heaven on earth,” satoru brushes the hair out of your eyes, “and i’m just a loyal worshipper.”

be honest do u think gojo’s infinity could detect whether someone has a fever or covid 19 ???

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x y/n #jujutsu kaisen drabbles #jujutsu kaisen gojo #jujutsu kaisen scenarios #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen smut #jjk fluff #jjk x reader #jjk drabbles #jjk x you #gojo fluff #gojo drabbles #gojo satoru imagines #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #satoru gojō x reader #gojou satoru #gojou x reader #gojo smut #gojo x reader #gojo x you

[buckysgrace]

Forty Nine

CW: Child abuse, noncon elements (nothing graphic), homphombic slurs, Billy just suffers basically

San Diego, 1972

“Let me see again,” She cooed, rubbing his soft baby cheeks, “Just one more time. Please.” She smiled brighter than the whole sun, with blue eyes as pretty as the ocean. Billy wrinkled his nose up, squinted his eyes and smiled so big that all of his baby teeth were showing. He was missing one of his front teeth and he had spent the day rubbing his tongue along his sore gums. It felt funny and swollen.

“It’s gone!” He proclaimed proudly, bouncing on the balls of his feet on the bench his mother had sat him on. He was still smaller than most of the kids in his class, but his mommy had said that was okay. She’d carry him in her arms most of the way home, right until they reached their driveway. He knew it made his dad mad, but he didn’t understand why. 

“I can’t believe you lost your tooth!” She proclaimed again, keeping his mouth open wide while her eyes searched inside as if he was hiding it somewhere. He giggled at the thought, thinking that it would be funny if he could attach his tooth back in his mouth. 

“It just fell out,” He exclaimed, wrapping his little arms around her shoulders as she picked him up and began the long way back to the house. He wished his dad would join them. He thought that they would all have fun, maybe his dad wouldn’t be so mad all the time if he saw how fun Billy was, “I was pushing on it with my tongue and boom! It fell out!” He held his hands up dramatically as he spoke, smiling big when she pretended to jump.

“Oh my,” She breathed out playfully, pretending to be scared, “You gave me the heebie jeebies!” She told him, tickling his soft side as he erupted into giggles. His backpack was much too large and bounced against his tiny body as she walked. His hair kept getting in his eyes, but he liked it longer because his mom would play with it more. She had stopped putting flowers in his hair after last week when his dad saw her do so. She still had a black eye from it and Billy’s bottom still hurt from where his dad had spanked him with his belt. 

“I’m sorry,” He grinned widely, resting his head against her shoulder as she walked. He liked how she always smelt like lemons. She had started to grow one outside of his window, but Neil had ripped it out some time ago. It made him sad. He liked watching how the leaves grew and the lemons would slowly ripen, “Don’t be scared.” He told her, as he brushed his chubby hand through her blonde hair.

“How could I be scared when I have you to protect me?” She proclaimed as she kissed his cheek again. He smiled, always feeling big and brave when she would tell him that. He wished he really was brave, then he could stop his dad from being mean to her. He dreamed about being grown so his dad couldn’t do that to her anymore. 

“Grrrr!” He put on his best mean face and held his tiny hands into fists to show off his muscles to her. She laughed, sounding prettier than any music he had ever heard. She placed him down gently, but held his hand tightly as they walked up the driveway. Billy bounced up the steps, up through the porch and into their big home. He used to pretend like he was a prince, fighting off dragons and invaders but stopped once Neil overheard him and spanked him for that too. He had called him a fag, only Billy didn’t understand what that meant. Only that it was bad and that he shouldn’t act that way. 

Neil wasn’t home yet, which meant that Billy was free to play as wildly as he pleased. He had a hard time sitting still but had learned to do so when his dad got home. It was hard. Sometimes Billy would have to excuse himself to the bathroom just to bounce around in there to get rid of the energy that bubbled inside of him.

“What did you learn in school today?” She took his backpack from him and placed it away, keeping it in a neat spot so dad wouldn’t complain about it. She sat on the couch, holding her arms out wide and pulling him into her lap.

“Rapunzel,” He breathed out, the L making an odd sound because of his missing tooth, “She had really long hair. Like you!” He told her excitedly, snuggling his head against his chest as she wrapped her arms around him. He liked afternoons like this, when it was just the two of them. He wished it could be like this more often.

“Like me?” She smiled as she held him, pulling him close to her chest. He liked listening to the sound of her heartbeat and feeling the way her chest would rise and fall as she breathed. He stayed there, sitting comfortably.

“Just like you.” He grinned, wishing that he could stay this way forever. He knew he wanted to be big, but he was afraid that once he was his mommy wouldn’t hold him like this anymore. He didn’t want that to happen. He wanted to be her baby forever. 

When dad got home, things were different. Billy always wanted to help his mom out, but dad would get mad if he saw him doing that. Billy really loved to help her cook but he wasn’t allowed to when dad was here. He was fishing through his backpack, pulling out his spelling words when he remembered what he had made today. 

“Here, mommy,” He proclaimed proudly, holding the picture up towards her. It was messy, full of childish scribbles with different colors and covered in glue in glitter. His mommy still smiled like it was the best thing she had ever received. Joy lit up her face and Billy felt a sense of pride inside of himself, “I made it!” He swayed back and forth, watching the way her eyes analyzed it over and over again.

“I love it,” She breathed out, looking at him with her big pretty smile, “I’m going to put it on the fridge.” The fridge was reserved for special spots. She had told him that when he first started school. He felt excited, the only other thing on the fridge was his school pictures. She walked over, just barely picking the magnet from the fridge when dad was yanking the picture out of her hands.

“What’s this?” He scoffed, looking at it in disdain. Billy felt his smile slowly begin to fall and he stopped moving so much, not wanting to get flicked on the back of his head for doing so. He wiggled his toes in his socks, feeling tense as his father looked it over.

“Billy made it,” She smiled, still thinking that nothing was wrong, “Isn’t it beautiful? I think we have a little artist on our hands.” She looked towards Billy and winked at him. He relaxed a bit, thinking that he didn’t need to be scared if she wasn’t. Dad laughed and for a moment Billy thought that everything was okay. His little heart ripped into tiny pieces as Neil crumbled the paper into his fist before shredding it.

“What kind of pansy shit is this?” Dad laughed before he tossed it in the garbage in front of Billy. He was on him before he could react, grabbing him by his hair and forcing him to look up at him, “I thought I had a son, not a little girl.” He was squeezing Billy’s hair so hard that tears were beginning to form in his eyes. 

“Neil,” She stepped forward quickly, looking at him alarmed, “Jesus it was just a picture.” She sounded angry as she grabbed a hold of his other wrist, trying to force him to let go. Billy never understood. For as much as his dad hit her, she never backed down. She was always talking back, fighting back. 

“Are you going to cry?” He mocked Billy, tugging on his hair tighter and earning a cry from the boy. Tears were rolling down his cheeks now because of how badly it hurt. He was yanking the young boy around like he weighed nothing, “Pussy.” His dad shoved him back harshly, nearly knocking him over in the process. Billy whimpered, reaching for his sore scalp. 

“I’m not a girl.” Billy spoke quickly, trying to defend himself. Dad backhanded him quickly, popping him in the mouth. Billy tasted blood in his mouth as his sore gums burst into pain. His other front tooth felt loose now as he rubbed his tongue along his mouth. Dad glared at him, and Billy found himself running away, his little legs carrying him as he burst into tears. He knew that crying only made his dad more upset and right now his mouth hurt so bad that he didn’t care. 

“Go cry, fucking pussy.” He could still hear his dad even after he shut his door behind him. He cried, curling up into a ball under his blankets as the blood dripped from his lips. He didn’t know why his dad didn’t like him. He had a lot of friends in his class, his teacher said he was a well-behaved boy. He just didn’t get it.

It took a while until the screaming stopped. He was still shaking under his blankets, upset about his picture. He had worked so hard on it; he had been so proud. Billy wasn’t sure how long it was after that until his mommy came into his room. Her nose was bent in an odd way and the other side of her face was now bruised. 

“Sunshine,” She whispered softly, her voice hoarse as she joined him in his tiny bed. They both fit in it as she pulled him towards her chest. He cried, feeling safe in her arms as he did so. He wished he was big again, he wished he was able to make his dad stop being so mean, “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not okay,” He was sniffling, breathing hard as he tried to catch his breath, “He ripped up my picture.” He replied pitifully. He didn’t really like art that much anyways, but he had worked hard on it. He wanted to give his momma a present. She cooed softly, wiping the tears from his red cheeks.

“I know,” She told him softly, holding him closer to her, “I’m sorry, baby. I loved that picture. Next time, I’ll hide it.” She spoke gently, pushing a blonde curl behind his ear. He hiccupped, nodding his head as she rocked him in her soft arms. 

“Promise?” He asked, looking up at her with teary eyes. She looked down at him, an emotion crossing her face that he didn’t understand. He didn’t like seeing her sad. He didn’t like seeing her hurt. He wished he could take that all away from her. 

“I promise,” She rubbed her finger across his cheek softly, “You’re such a special boy, Billy. Don’t ever forget that.” She kissed his forehead gently. He sniffled again but managed to smile at her, "Come here. I want to try something." She helped him off of his bed and crossed the room until they were in front of the mirror. She sat down and crossed her legs and pulled him onto her lap. He looked in the mirror, noticing how he looked exactly like her. He wondered if that's why his dad was so angry all the time. Maybe Billy was supposed to look like him. He looked in the mirror at his messy blonde hair and red eyes. 

"What?" He turned his head back to look up at her. She smiled down at him, gently placed a kiss on his head and then turned him to face the mirror again. She kept her fingers on his chin softly, keeping him looking forward at the mirror. It felt odd to look at himself for so long. 

"Can you repeat after me?" His blue eyes met hers in the mirror. He nodded his head unsure, watching as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him close to her, "I am kind. I am smart. I'm worthy of love." He waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. He didn't really understand the implication of her words, but he nodded his little hand anyways.

"I am kind. I am smart," He smiled at that word, thinking of the various spelling awards he had received in his class. He was only in preschool, but he could read twice as well as everyone else, "I'm worthy of love." He finished his sentence with the nod of his head. His mama smiled brightly, lighting up the whole room. He suddenly couldn't remember what he had been sad about. Everything seemed fine in the world right now with her holding onto him. 

"You're such a good boy," She kissed his cheek again, peppering her lips against his chubby cheek repeatedly and earning a squeal from him. He giggled loudly, wiggling in her arms as she began to tickle at his sides. He tried to squirm away, his cheeks burning from how hard he was smiling, "My sweet little sunshine." She gave him one last kiss on his face before she let him plop against her lap dramatically. 

“Will the tooth fairy come tonight?” He asked innocently, his mouth still red from the blood. He didn’t know if the tooth fairy only visited good boys or girls. He had been excited for Santa at Christmas, until dad told him he had been bad and wasn’t getting anything. His mom had snuck him out for the day, telling him that Mrs. Claus did think he was good. He got a set of toy cars that he had placed neatly on the desk in his room. Dad would routinely come in and swipe them on the floor, criticizing the way that Billy had to have things in a certain order or position. She grinned, pushing more of his blonde hair out of his face.

“I bet she will, I bet she’ll bring you the best gift,” She reassured him, beginning to hum softly. She softly sang their favorite songs to him, as he found himself struggling to keep his eyes opened. He was half asleep against her chest, curled up to her like he was still a baby when she spoke again, “I love you so much.” 

1974

“I don’t understand,” Billy whined into the phone, cupping the phone to fit his face. He tried to think hard enough, picturing it was his mommy’s shoulder he was resting against instead, “Why can’t you come home?” It was getting harder to picture her face. He missed the smell of her, the way her blonde hair would tickle against his nose when she held him. She was always warm and smelt like flowers and the beach. Dad hated when she would hold him, he was always saying he was too big to be held. She would hold him anyway, in secret, and tell him that he would always be her baby. 

He didn’t understand how he was supposed to be her baby, when she was so far away. He missed her, all he wanted was to have her back. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, what had made her leave without him. He was desperate to have her back. Dad wasn’t as mean when she was around.

His dad would be furious to know that he was up this late and talking to his mom. He just missed her so much. It made his eyes water and his tummy hurt. It was like he couldn’t eat when his mom was gone. It had almost been a year since he’d seen her, he’d been counting the days on a piece of notebook paper he had hidden in his desk. She had left after destroying the room next to his. He hadn’t understood, one day she had excitedly told him about how he would be a big brother. He had helped her pick out the colors of the room and had helped her paint when he was back from school. She had taught him how to assemble a crib, how to set up drawers and where the best place would be to position them. Dad had gotten mad one day after he got back from work, grown up talking that Billy couldn’t understand. He had yelled at his dad for hitting his mom and that had only seemed to make everything worse. He had never seen her bleed so much before. She was gone the next day, leaving a letter in place of an explanation. The nursery had been ripped apart.

He clung to one of their last happy memories. She had been cheering him on as he surfed, promising that she would always be there for him. They had spent all day at the beach and Neil had been furious to find out that she had bought food for some of his friends he had met that day. He didn't understand what the big deal was, the girl he had befriended had been so nice. He didn’t think that his momma was lying, he believed her when she said she was in a difficult spot right now. He wanted to help her; he just didn’t know how. 

“Oh sunshine,” Billy could hear people talking on the other side of the line. He thought he heard a baby crying but he wasn’t sure, “Things are just hard right now. Your daddy, I just can’t be around him right now.” She sounded tired and it made Billy sad. He didn’t want his mommy to be tired. He wished there was something he could do to help her. He hated being so little. He couldn’t wait to be big so he could finally stop his dad from being so mean. 

“Take me with you,” He said without another thought, almost demanding, “I can go with you.” His dad was scary, scarier than the monsters his grandma would tell him stories about. She had died a few months ago, right when his dad started to act worse. Billy missed her a lot but had learned not to say anything after his dad had spanked him with the belt after her funeral. Men weren’t supposed to cry, his dad had said.

The phone was silent for a second and Billy feared that he had lost his mommy again, “Your daddy can do a lot better than what I can, okay? I’ll come home soon. I promise. I love you.” She didn’t offer him a chance to protest, to beg and plead for her return. He would change his ways; he would even talk to his dad into acting better. He would do anything to have his mommy back. He was so upset, breaking down into tears in the middle of his room. He was scared suddenly as something filled the inside of his chest. He hated crying. Dad always got mad at him when he cried, he was a man. He wasn’t supposed to. Instead, he tore apart his room. Breaking his toys and ripping up the letters his mother had written to him. When he was finished, he sat cross legged in the middle of his room and stared at the mess around him with his eye that wasn’t swollen shut. He felt better.

He never heard from his mom again.

1977

Billy wasn’t sure why he did it or why he had thought it would be okay. Neil had worked late, and Billy just happened to be up late enough to watch the scary movie that had played. Now, he was shaking under his blankets and feared that something was lurking inside of his closet. Neil had taken away his lamp a few months ago, telling him that he needed to have a strict sleeping schedule and not stay up late.

The wind brushed against his window, knocking against it in the right way that left Billy imagining that he had heard voices. He shot out of bed, his little feet padding against the cold hallway as he made his way to his father’s room. He opened the door without another thought, walking towards Neil’s sleeping form.

“Dad,” Billy brushed his arm softly, “Dad!” He whispered louder, shaking Neil gently until he woke up. Neil brushed at his eyes, looking over at him in anger.

“What is it? What happened?” He was beginning to sit up, about to get out of bed to investigate. Billy felt a sheepish smile form, realizing it was silly to tell him that he feared there was a monster in his closet. He would only get in trouble.

“Can I lie in here? I’m scared.” Billy admitted softly, his voice full of innocence and hope. His dad was a lot of things, but he still took care of him. Neil’s blue eyes hardened.

“That’s why you fucking woke me up?” He cursed, making Billy flinch in the process, “Do you know what time it is? You’re a man. Go back to bed.” Neil responded harshly but Billy was still too scared to fully understand just how angry his father was. 

“Momma used to let me when I got scared,” Billy protested, desperately missing his mom at the moment. She would’ve wrapped him up in a warm blanket and an even bigger hug. She would’ve kissed his forehead and played with his soft curls, telling him that everything was going to be okay, “Why can’t I?” He hadn’t meant to whine; it just came out that way. Neil moved like lightning, gripping Billy’s forearm so tightly and forcing it backwards with a sickening crunch. 

He screamed out in pain, clutching his arm to his chest in horror as tears pooled out of his eyes. His arm burned in stabbing pain, it throbbed as he clung it to his chest in horror as Neil rose from the bed. His father gripped his shoulder tightly, squeezing with such strength that it forced another whimper out of Billy’s mouth.

“Are you going to cry like a little pussy?” Neil snapped; backhanding Billy so hard that he stumbled back. He tried to bite back the tears, but his arm was hurting so bad. He held it out pathetically with his good arm, trying to show his dad that he wasn’t able to move it. His cheek throbbed as he stared up at his father, searching for any sort of remorse, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” Neil yanked on the throbbing arm, leaving Billy howling in pain. He shot backwards quickly, clutching his arm to his chest as he fled his father's room in a storm of tears. He locked his door behind him, no longer fearing imaginary monsters. Monsters weren’t real. People were.

He laid on his bed, curling his knees to his chest and clutching his sore arm to his chest as he licked his wounds. HIs body shook in agony as he willed himself to fall asleep. He figured he had just popped his arm out of place again, his father would fix it in the morning. His pillowcase grew wet as the tears kept coming and he dreamed of his mother coming to save him. 

Neil had only delivered another smack to his young son when he asked about it the following morning. He was still forced to go to school, despite being able to move it. He had spent gym class in the bathroom crying after his sore arm got hit with a dodgeball. He continually thought about his classmate's face and how good it would feel once he was able to hit him again. Billy didn’t even try to tell his father that night, too afraid that Neil would purposely hit his hurt arm. 

Four days passed. Four miserable days of Billy trying to hide his sore arm from his father, from his teachers and hope that it would go back to normal. Neil had stopped smacking him across the face this school year. Billy’s school teacher was nice, but too concerned. She zeroed in on every single bruise he gained, constantly asking what happened and listening to see if his story ever slipped up. Neil hated her. 

“Let me see it,” Billy flinched when Neil approached his room. Billy was clutching his left, swollen arm against his chest. It was throbbing and was warm to the touch. The bruising was a nasty color, “Come on, boy.” It hurt to sit up, but Billy did it anyway. He couldn’t hold his arm out in the way Neil wanted. It hurt to move, and Billy was afraid if he did move it, he’d cry. 

“Doesn’t look that bad,” Billy bit back a cry, he could feel his eyes watering as Neil gripped his wrist. Pain licked inside of his chest as Neil turned his wrist in a way it shouldn’t, “Why are you bitching about it like a little pussy?” Shame and anger brewed in Billy’s chest, and he wondered why his dad even came in here in the first place if he didn’t care. 

“I can’t move it,” Billy hissed when Neil pulled at his arm again. His whole arm was tingling in pain. It had been for the past four days. He had been forced to wear his jackets to school even though it was unbearably hot outside. Neil didn’t like his teacher this year. She was observant, constantly questioning his bruises and asking him to repeat the stories of how he got them over and over again, “Stop!” He yanked away, feeling the tears beginning to spill from his eyes. He scooted himself back to the corner of his bed, clutching his injured arm against his chest. 

“Boy,” Neil glared at him, looking over at him furiously, “Don’t be crying. You’re fine. I don’t know why that teacher of yours worries so much.” Billy whimpered, nodding his head pathetically as his arm throbbed and the pain raced through the left side of his body. 

“Sorry.” Billy breathed out softly, his heart hammering in his chest as he looked up at his father’s matching blue eyes. Neil stared at him for a moment before he leaned closer, making Billy flinch closer into the corner of his bed.

“Let’s go get it checked out,” Neil’s voice was surprisingly calm, and it left Billy’s body tensing in fear. This felt like a trap. Billy wasn’t ever supposed to go to the hospital for his injuries, “Come on, boy.” Billy wiggled slowly from his bed, every movement causing him pain as he slowly stood from his bed. 

Billy was on edge the whole ride there. Neil was being nicer than usual, and it was filling Billy with dread. He was mad, his teacher shouldn’t have said anything. He was fine. He was sure that his arm was just sore and that it would heal in a few days. 

“My son,” Neil was smiling, flashing his smile at the nurse, “He loves sports. He said he got tackled during football at school today and hasn’t been able to move his arm since.” The nurse looked up at Billy with a kind smile. He grew sad suddenly, thinking that she looked a lot like his mom.

“Oh my,” She smiled so nicely that it made Billy’s heart hurt even worse. He hadn’t had anyone look at him like that in a long time, “Tough guy, aren’t you? Do you feel okay to walk? We just have to get a few X-Rays.” Billy looked behind her at Neil, who nodded his head in agreement.

“Sure,” She held out her hand, but Billy ignored it as he hopped up from his seat. He followed her down the long hallways, his blue eyes searching against the white walls. She led him into a darker, cool room, “Sit up there on the table, okay? Who tackled a strong boy like you?” Billy sat on the other table, having to hop a bit for how high up it was. She reminded him of his teacher, always treating him like he was younger than what he was. 

“Someone else.” He said simply. She brought over something that looked like a black cushion as she sat down in front of him. She was all smiles, her face gentle as she listened to him.

“You know, I’m here to help you. Sometimes it’s easier to help if I know the full story.” Her voice was smooth, and kind and Billy searched for anything that might be hidden beneath her features. He lingered, thinking of what it would be like to not get hit anymore or to face his dad’s anger. He hesitated.

“That is the story.” He said finally, feeling his hope crumble inside of him. The nurse's smile never faltered as she watched him, nodding kindly.

“If you remember anything else, let me know.” Billy wished he was strong enough to tell her the truth, but he was afraid. If they took him away from his dad, where would he go? Who would take care of him and control his anger? 

For the first time, in a long time, Billy broke down into tears for no reason. HIs little shoulders shook, and his body heaved as he sobbed in front of this complete stranger. His arm was hurting so bad but what really hurt was his heart. He felt like he was dying, like he'd never feel something so painful again. The nurse leaned forward slowly, wrapping her warm arms around Billy. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been hugged as he curled his little body up into her arms. She engulfed him, wrapping him up like she was a warm blanket as he sobbed into her arms. He cried out of anger, out of sadness, and because of his pain. Most of all, he cried because he couldn’t understand why his mom would leave him alone with a monster. 

“Are you okay?” She finally asked, swaying him gently against her when his tears wouldn’t come forward anymore. He was hiccupping, trying to regain his breathing as he nodded stiffly. She pushed his blonde curls from his face and wiped his tears away like his mother used to do. He nodded his head stiffly, thinking of all the words his father would call him if he knew what he had just done. 

“I’m fine,” He mumbled, glancing away from her glossy eyes. He kicked his feet out a bit, swaying them in the air, “My arm hurts.” He mumbled, wanting to draw attention from what he might have been crying about. She nodded softly, wiping a finger across her cheek.

“Let’s get this finished and I’ll get you something for the pain, alright?” Billy nodded his head, listening to the different positions she wanted his arm laid in. He was growing nervous, worried that his dad would somehow know that he would be crying. It was like she knew after she was finished, she cupped his round cheeks softly and smiled at him, “Put on your brave face, alright?” Billy wasn’t sure how to tell her that he had been doing that from the moment he could walk. 

Neil had watched him closely once they returned, but Billy’s story never faltered. He was sure that there was worse than his father and he didn’t want to risk finding out. What he really longed for was his mom. 

“Well son, this looks like a pretty severe break for a fall. You need to be more careful,” The doctor spoke clearly before he glanced at Neil, “We can do surgery to fix it or do a cast.” Neil glanced at Billy, watching him closely for a moment before he answered. He didn't look as mean. 

“A cast should be fine.” Neil smiled towards his young son. Billy stared back, noticing how his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Billy didn’t care what happened as long as his arm stopped hurting so bad. He was still fighting the urge to break down into tears. 

Neil sat with him after Billy got his hand casted. They had let him pick a color and he had decided on blue. It made him think of his mother’s eyes. Billy was proud, he hadn’t cried. Not once.

“You did good today,” Neil’s hand brushed against Billy’s shoulder softly, squeezing. Billy tried not to wince, but it hurt. His dad didn’t know how to do things softly, “I love you.” 

1979

“Don’t worry Mr. Hargrove, Billy is a doll,” Sally leaned against the door as she spoke, wearing a smile on her face. It was rare that his dad went on dates, but he never trusted Billy on his own. It made Billy mad. He thought that he was more than capable of taking care of himself. He’d only be playing on his Atari anyway, “Have a good night!” She shouted after him, waving her hand widely.

Billy thought that Sally was pretty, really pretty. He had a hard time looking at her without feeling his cheeks redden. It was a dumb crush. She had already finished high school and he hadn’t even started yet. She lived a few houses down and had two cats. She had driven him home from school a few times when Neil had to work late. 

“You’ve gotten pretty good at this,” She told him, sitting close to him on the couch. She had dark black hair and long bangs that rested over her eyes, “Next year you’ll be thirteen, that’s a pretty big deal.” Billy had to stop his game, feeling nervous at the unknown feeling that was rushing in him as she moved herself closer to him. Her bare skin was touching his legs. He could feel his eyes widening as he looked at her, uncertain of what she was talking about.

“Why?” Usually, this tone got him backhanded from Neil, but Sally’s glossed lips just turned into a bright smile. Her fingers rested against his shoulder, tracing his tanned skin. He felt like time was slowing down as he watched her, unable to process what she was doing.

“You’re going to be thirteen, that’s exciting. Have you kissed a girl before?” He stared at her, feeling his eyebrows furrowing together as he began to feel defensive. His mom used to peck him on the lips before she tucked him into bed. Surely, that counted. He didn't want to look like he hadn't ever experienced that before. Not in front of her. 

“Yes.” He answered quickly, not sparing another thought behind it. He hid the feeling of his heart racing. He wasn’t going to let himself be nervous, he wasn’t weak. He wasn’t what his dad called him. She grinned.

“You know, you look really mature for your age,” Her breath was thick like honey, it almost smelt similar as her face loomed over his, “Have you ever seen a woman naked before?” He didn’t understand the implications as he shook his head no. He felt like all of his muscles had suddenly run off when she laid him back onto the couch gently. He had no fight in his system as his body froze, his eyes widening as he watched her.

“I just want to teach you a few things,” She whispered seductively, grabbing a hold of the hem of his shorts, “Just relax and follow my lead.”

/////////////////

“Happy birthday,” She whispered, kissing the side of his cheek, “I hope you enjoyed it.” Sally had dressed up for him, but he thought she looked a bit silly wearing that when all she did was take him to an arcade. Billy didn’t even enjoy video games that much, not since Neil had smashed his last system in a fit of rage.

“It wasn’t bad,” He paused, wondering if he should’ve phrased it better, “Thank you.” He added after a second, glancing over at her as she drove. Neil had been more than thrilled that Sally had volunteered to watch him for the day. Billy thought of how funny it would be if Neil knew what Sally was really doing. He figured it would somehow be his fault.

“Anything for you,” She smiled, leaning across the dashboard to kiss his lips, “Do you want to try something new?” She questioned him. He looked over at her, feeling suspicious. He wasn’t sure what new things he could possibly learn. 

“Like what?” He spoke gruffly, always sounding like he wasn’t interested. Sally never seemed to mind, she’d always laugh and pinch his cheek if he got too frustrated with things. He never liked that. It made him seem like a kid and he couldn’t be a kid when he was doing so much more than his classmates his age.

She pulled out a cigarette, passing it to him, “Try it.” She held him place it between his lips, watching with a certain hunger before she lit it. He breathed it in slowly, pretending like his lungs weren’t on fire as he breathed it in. 

“It’s okay,” He sounded just as disinterested as before, but her smile let him know that she knew otherwise. He was sure that he should probably treat her better if he wanted her to stay, but he wasn’t sure how to treat women. Neil wasn’t the best at showing him how to do so, “Tastes kinda gross.” He admitted, trying to hand it back to her.

“Trust me,” She stuck her hand up to stop him, “You’ll look pretty badass if you smoke. You keep it.” She handed him the carton and lighter, smiling proudly like she had just given him the best present he’d ever got. He stared at it, figuring it was better than the smack on the back of the head Neil had given him. 

1980

She was leaving. Sally was going away for college in another state and once again, Billy felt like his little heart was being crushed and crumbled in his chest. His feelings were confusing, mixed and muddled and he didn’t know how to make sense of them. This would be the last time she’d watch him. 

“You can call,” Billy felt almost desperate as he told her. He was still smaller than her as he looked up. He had waited several summers now to finally hit his growth spurt. Although he wasn’t the tallest, he was still able to punch guys that were twice his age and leave them bruised for weeks. He was strong, there was no denying that, “My dad doesn’t have to know.” He had spent the last year wrapped up in her bubble, doing whatever she said. She had treated him like her own little puppet, commanding him to do whatever she wanted without much of a peep from him. 

She had cut her hair short and looked at him as if he was silly. He felt defensive again, thinking about how she always called him mature, “I’m going to find someone my age in college. Someone to marry and have kids with. I can’t call you.” He felt sick as a lump formed in the back of his chest. He hadn’t cried in years, and he wasn’t going to break down in front of her, to prove to her that he really was just some silly little kid.

She was leaving him just like his mom.

“What about me?” He asked, meaning his words as she leaned forward. He didn't want to be alone with Neil again. If he was with her, he had somewhere to be. If she left, he'd be stuck alone again. She squeezed his arms softly, looking at her through dark green eyes. He bit back any tears that had been forming. He wouldn’t cry over her, not over someone who was throwing him away so easily. It was like she knew as her voice became softer as she spoke. 

“Maybe in another life, we could have been together. I love you.” She squeezed his hands softly in hers, looking happy. Look as if she was waiting for him to repeat the words back to her. He almost laughed, feeling the anger forming in the base of his chest as he pulled his hands away from her. She looked as if she was about to start explaining everything to him again, but he didn’t give her the chance. He felt the words forming on his tongue, making sure they were sharp enough to kill. 

“If you think you’re the best thing that’s happened to me you’re wrong. You’re a pathetic little bitch who couldn’t get dick from anyone her own age, so you went to me. I’ll find better,” He snarled at her, teeth showing, “But I will be the best thing that happened to you.” 

/////////////

Neil had found himself a girlfriend, someone who actually didn’t seem to care that she was treated like absolute shit. She made Billy uncomfortable; she was constantly touching him. He’d try and politely brush her away, only in return to get smacked by Neil. He was beginning to believe that she liked seeing him in pain. It was the only way to explain why she continued to do it. He did his best to avoid her, but she somehow always found a way to pry herself into his personal space. He hated it. 

Things did become a bit better around the house. Neil was happier that there was a female in the kitchen. Billy had to listen as Neil ranted and raved about how it was woman’s work. Billy didn’t care. He missed the way he and his mom would make different shaped pancakes in the early mornings. He found himself wondering where she was, what she was doing and if she missed him just as badly. He had spent countless hours flipping through different phone books in the hopes that one day he would find her name. It was getting harder. He could no longer remember her last name. He knew it started with a P and that there was an A and an R in there somewhere. He couldn't remember anything else. Still, he would look over the names intensely. He knew that if he stumbled across her name, he would know it. 

Stacy was nice enough, despite the constant need to touch him. She was making sure that Neil actually went to his games and that he put in effort to do things together. Billy didn’t really like hanging out with his dad. It was like the only thing Neil could talk about was how terrible Billy’s mother was and how Billy was going to end up just like her. Billy was confused, he thought that his mom had been everything. He couldn’t imagine that it would be bad to be like her. 

She had startled him, burst into his room without a warning. He sat up on his bed, looking towards the floor awkwardly. She was wearing an outfit that was similar to the things Stacy would wear for him. It was too revealing, and it made him feel uncomfortable. His whole body felt warm from the embarrassment that was tickling up his spine. He wasn't sure why she would stumble in here dressed like that. 

“Where’s dad at?” He asked finally, breaking the awkward silence that filled the room. She was still lingering in his doorway, smiling at him. He had spent a lot of time in his room after Sally. He didn’t love her, but he didn’t necessarily understand his feelings either. She had left him in some kind of conflicting haze. He didn't know how to make sense of it.

“He had to run into town for a while,” She walked further into his room, lingering at the edge of his bed. He kept his eyes down on his lap, ignoring the way she bent down over the bed, “Hey, don’t be shy.” He almost scoffed at the idea. He was anything but shy, he just wanted nothing to do with her. It didn't matter who his dad brought into their lives, no one would ever replace the hole in his heart that his mother had left. 

“I’m not shy,” He looked up at her in defense, hating anything that made him seem weak. She curled her lips into a bright smile, her eyes tracing over him, “What do you want?” He snapped in irritation as he began to sit up on his bed. He wished that she would go away, leave him alone like everyone else. She pounced on him, straddling his lap before he was fully able to comprehend what was happening. All of the breath left his body, and he suddenly didn't have the energy to move his hands.

"Then why are you being so quiet?" She questioned as she drew her finger down the front of his chest slowly. All he could do was stare. His body felt numb suddenly, in a similar way to when Sally had first taken his virginity. It was like he suddenly didn't know what to do.

"You're with my dad," He urged his hands to move but they wouldn't. It was like there was something pinning them to his sides. He exhaled slowly, trying to will her to get off of him. If his dad came home and seen him like this, with her on top of him, he'd be dead. Billy didn't know how he'd do it, but he knew it wouldn't be pretty. She was still all smiles as she watched him, "Get the fuck off of me." He said rougher, still finding the sharpness in his voice. She laughed.

"Or what?" She was toying with him. Her grin was wide as she observed him, waiting for him to say something. His mind was racing. Didn't she know what would happen? He felt a spike of fear race up his back because he really didn't want this. He didn't want her. 

“I’ll hit you.” He rushed out quickly, not fully thinking of his words as she moved her head near his head and trapped him. Her hair draped over him, tickling against his nose. He suddenly felt sick from the overwhelming amount of perfume she had on. His arms felt weak, and he knew he wouldn’t actually be able to do it. He wouldn’t do the same thing to her that his dad did to his mom. He just hoped his threat worked.

“Oh, Billy,” She smiled slyly down at him, dragging a manicured nail down his chest. His breath hitched and for the first time he hoped that his father would be home soon, “What would Neil do? He’d be so upset with you.” He stared up at her, frozen as he took in her truth. Billy would be in a lot of trouble if that happened.

“I’ll tell him,” He said instead, his palms growing clammy as she reached the button of his pants, “If you stop now, I won’t say anything. I promise.” He felt a lump growing in the back of his chest that was getting harder and harder to swallow. 

“Oh, you’re going to tell your dad?” She grinned from ear to ear, “Who do you think he’ll believe? The son he hates? Or the woman he loves.” Billy felt something sinking inside of his chest as he laid there, unsure of what his option was. Either way, if Neil did find out, Billy would be the one to be blamed. She wouldn’t be touched; it would be Billy.

“Fuck you.” He did his best to snarl at her, but it didn’t sound that way. He sounded sad and he could feel the bitter resentment growing in his chest for himself. He didn’t understand how he could be so pathetic. He wasn’t going to cry. He wouldn’t give her that satisfaction. 

“You’ll enjoy it, just pretend it’s someone you love.” Billy couldn’t. He didn’t love anyone. There was no one out there for him. 

////////////

Billy had a hard time controlling his anger. It had grown so badly that he was sure that he had nothing left inside of him. Only hot, bitter, fiery angry that always seemed to be there, sitting right on top of his chest. Between his dad and Stacy, he hated being at home. He'd rather be anywhere else. 

Summers were beginning to become his least favorite season. School was out and the only thing he really had to look forward to was baseball. He had stopped hoping that Neil would come to any of his games a long time ago. Not that he really cared anymore. Sometimes, he'd wish that his dad would, only so that he'd somehow manage to hit the ball right towards his dumb face. Billy knew he couldn't take his anger out on his dad, so he took it out on everyone else that would cross him. Sometimes they didn't even have to do anything. They'd be walking down the street and Billy would suddenly find his rage unbearable until he was punching them so hard that his knuckles would crack and bleed. 

Neil never asked, never cared enough to check on him unless he got in trouble for it. Billy's teacher had hated him that year and insisted on tattling to Neil over every small instance that happened. Billy spent more time locked in his room, licking his wounds than he ever had. His teacher never seemed to notice when he would come in with a fresh black eye. Or perhaps his teacher did but thought that he deserved it. 

Billy was too young to really work, but Mr. Teller had taken pity on him. He owned one of the local grocery stores and Billy had come along begging to do anything. He could only work two hours a week and was strictly only able to bag the items and push carts. Still, he got a name badge like everyone else, and it made him happy. He was too young to make any friends, but the older women that worked there doted on him. At times he could feel himself stiffening, wondering if they were really being nice or if they just wanted something else like Stacy. He felt the familiar rage forming when he thought of her. She had come into his room last night and smacked him when he tried to tell her off again. Afterwords, he had just laid there, wandering if life was worth living if he'd had to deal with this forever. 

"Honey, where's your parents?" Billy suddenly looked up, too withdrawn in his own thoughts to notice that a girl his age had stepped up to the counter. She was slightly taller than him, her red hair was pulled up into a tight ponytail. Her face turned scarlet as she glanced towards the people waiting behind her in line. 

"Waiting in the car," She bounced her foot as she waited, looking like she expected the cashier to just start scanning away. Billy knew better. Most of the women that worked here were constantly looking for something wrong to happen, "I can go somewhere else." She started to hesitate, looking like she was seconds away from crawling onto the floor and hiding. Billy rolled his eyes as he played with the paper bag resting in front of him.

"You're sure?" Paula watched her closely, her large, rimmed glasses were beginning to slide down her nose. The younger girl nodded, looking over her shoulder again as she cracked her knuckles. Billy felt his nose wrinkling up at the sound, "Alright." There weren't that many items, but Billy noticed the similar great value brands. Neil never bought anything expensive either, he said that it all tasted the same anyways. Billy, of course, had never argued about that. He feared that if he did, Neil may cut his tongue off and make him eat that instead. 

"Can I have my change?" Billy had the two bags packed up. He looked at how the younger girls hand shook as she held one hand out, the other one was already clutching her receipt. Her cheeks were round and rosy, but her eyes were what drew him in. They were hazel, pretty, but she looked like she was sad. He wondered what she had to be sad about. 

"It's just a few pennies," Paula laughed. Still, the younger girl kept her hand out. Billy recognized the same look of fear that crossed his face. Neil wouldn't let him get away with keeping any of his money either. Paula looked disgruntled as she tossed the coins towards the younger girl. He lifted up a penny, handing it to her. He felt bad as he looked at the defeated look on her face as she picked each one up, "Billy, why don't you help her load the bags into her parent's car." Paula sent him a look and he knew that she would want every detail about the car make and model when he returned. 

"Thanks," She mumbled under her breathe as they stepped out into the warm air. The breeze from the ocean was slightly breezy, causing Billy to get goosebumps along his skin, "You didn't have to do it." He shrugged his shoulders, carrying both of the bags. It was probably best he stepped out. He didn't like Paula had treated her, as if she was doing something bad. She hesitated for a moment, glancing back towards the store. 

"Where's your car?' She pointed towards a bike. Billy stared at it, it had a rusted color towards it, and it looked like the wheels were about to pop off. He turned back towards her, "That's a bike." He told her seriously. She shrugged this time, tucking her hair behind her ears as she took the bags from him.

"Thanks again." She spoke quickly, moving fast across the parking lot. He watched for a moment, watching as she squeezed the bags into the basket before she took off. He paused for a moment, feeling as if he recognized her. She must go to his school, he realized, before he walked back inside. He said nothing to Paula, not wanting the young girl to somehow get into trouble for something. 

1982

Billy had tried to grow his hair out. Just barely, just enough so that he could slick it back. Neil had roughly dragged him to the bathroom by his long strands and shoved him into the bathroom before he shaved it all off. There was barely anything left on the top of his head, he couldn’t even see the blonde unless he got close to the mirror. Neil had smacked him afterwards, telling him that only queers cared about their appearance. 

Neil liked to call him a lot of things, but as Billy grew older that seemed to be his favorite slur to swing at Billy. He brought around plenty of girls, always making sure that his dad was around to see them. It never mattered. It made Billy furious. He wasn’t like that, he liked girls. He was sure of it. Yet, he spent many sleepless nights pondering many different what ifs. Nothing made him more furious than being unable to sort out his feelings. It was the one thing that should be his own, yet Neil still somehow had control over that. 

Billy didn’t really have any true friends. Most of them couldn’t handle his spews of anger or the way he acted when he was in a drunken haze. He was too wild for anyone to stay around him for too long, but that didn’t matter. He was popular, people flocked to his side for the thrill of it and he didn’t have to worry about taking anyone down with him. 

Adrian Romano had clung against Billy’s side since ninth grade, apparently the only one that didn’t seem disturbed by Billy’s rash behaviors. In fact, he mirrored Billy in a lot of different ways. He was tall, lanky with jet black hair, hazel eyes and he had two dimples poke out from his cheeks when he would smile. Billy had an easy time talking to him and found himself constantly fighting the urge to get closer to him. It was weird, it made him frustrated. He wished he knew why his heart would race when Adrian would drift near him. 

Billy knew he was fucked the first time Adrian took his shirt off in front of him. He had stared, stared in the same way he stared at a girl that undressed in front of him. When he finally was able to tear his eyes away, his cheeks burned in humiliation. He had panicked, nearly broke down on the ground when he realized his father might be right about him after all. It made him sick, thinking about how wrong everything was.

“You good?” Adrian had asked casually, glancing his hazel eyes towards him, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He was teasing, his familiar smile turning into a lopsided smirk. Billy felt a rush traveling up his spine.

“Fine,” He snapped out of the haze he felt like he was in. He wasn’t supposed to be feeling these familiar feelings towards a boy. Billy was always quick to change or shower in the locker room. Neil left him with too many bruises. As he grew older, people didn’t question as much but he could still see the curiosity in their eyes, “I’m just fine.” Billy wasn’t. He didn’t understand the feelings that were racing through his body. He could hear Neil’s voice in the back of his head, calling him different names.

Billy fumbled in his locker, pulling out a cigarette quickly. He had gotten in trouble last week for smoking in the locker room, but he really needed something to take the jittery feeling away from him at the moment. He lit it up, exhaling deeply to stop his hand from shaking. Adrian stepped closer to him, apparently not knowing the meaning of personal space as his arm brushed against Billy’s.

“Need a light,” He didn’t offer Billy a chance to pull out his lighter before Adrian was leaning forward, pressing the cigarette that was in between his lips against Billy’s lit one. Adrian’s hand just barely brushed against the back of Billy’s neck to keep them steady. Billy felt a spark form inside of him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. The other boy was so close to Billy that he could make out the stubble that was growing around his cheeks, “Thanks.” Adrian smiled, blowing out a puff of smoke towards him. Billy’s lips twitched and he nodded, looking away from his hazel eyes. Something stirred inside of Billy, something that he had only felt when he looked at girls. 

“Okay,” He breathed out slowly, unable to move his feet. Adrian grinned at him, his lips curling up nicely, “Whatever.” He pulled away finally, taking another drag of his cigarette. He could feel Adrian watching him, but he ignored it. He didn’t owe him any explanation for how he was acting. 

Billy found out quick enough that kissing a boy felt the same way as kissing a girl. He wasn’t sure what he thought the difference would be at first. He had hoped there would be some feeling, something that let him know it was wrong. He didn’t. HIs lips moved against Adrian’s in the same urgency he had kissed girls. Their lips melted against each other, soft and slow and almost experimental. Like he hadn’t ever kissed anyone before. 

He hadn’t meant for it to happen. Adrian had cornered him in the bathroom of the party they were currently at. He had demanded Billy tell him why he had been ignoring him. Billy had tried to brush it off, had tried to lie his way out of the situation like he always did. Adrian saw right through him.

“It’s okay to be different.” Adrian had told him, his hazel eyes softening as he looked at Billy’s pitiful form. Billy paused, desperately wanting to believe him but not being able to. He knew what Neil would say, what he would do. Still, Billy didn’t push the other boy away when he kissed him. He melted against his touch, blaming his drunk mind even though he felt fairly sober at the moment. 

“I’m not different,” Billy finally came to his senses as he pushed the boy away from him. He stared at Adrian’s swollen, plump lips. Billy’s heart raced in a way it shouldn’t. He knew this was wrong, but it felt right. He was conflicted, not knowing how to battle the different emotions that were fighting inside of him, “That never happened.” He told him quickly. He did his best to warn him, to sound as threatening as possible. 

“It’s okay,” Adrian’s chest was still rising sharply as he tried to catch his breath,” It never happened.” He promised and Billy ignored the dejected look on his face as he stormed past him. 

It was risky, sneaking around with Adrian. Billy knew what the consequences would be if his father found out. He’d be dead, they’d both be dead. Billy already knew he was damned, he decided that it was fine to risk it. He always went back and forth. One second, he would be fine, the next he would be hating himself. He had never heard of anyone who liked boys and girls. He didn’t understand his feelings, why he was the way he was. He blamed Neil. His dad had beaten him so hard that Billy was sure that he was broken. 

“What if we brought a girl into this?” Adrian had asked one day, mindlessly picking at his food at the lunch table as the world rushed on without them. Billy hesitated, not liking talking about their private life in public.

“What do you mean?” Billy scoffed. He had been with plenty of girls, he wasn’t sure why Adrian thought he knew anyone better. Adrian sent him a lopsided grin.

“Maybe we’d be more comfortable if a girl was involved,” Adrian suggested, twisting his fork into his food, “There’s this really cute girl in my math class. She’s kind of quiet, but I think she’s a freak deep down. I think it would be fun.” He shrugged his shoulders, waiting for Billy’s reaction.

“Is she ugly?” Billy asked him seriously. That was the most important part to him. He didn’t want some ugly girl involved and he had noticed that Adrian didn’t always have the best taste in girls. Adrian shook his head, quickly. 

“She’s cute,” He looked over tables, like he was searching through the crowds of people for her. Adrian stopped for a moment, “There.” He pointed towards the door. Billy looked over, missing her face completely. Instead, he found long legs and red hair. He paused for a moment, still staring even as the door slammed shut behind her.

“She’s a redhead?” Billy looked back towards him, looking at the mischievous look Adrian had in his eyes. He felt himself growing a bit intrigued. He was sure that she was just like any other girl, but he had never been with a ginger before. He was interested. 

“Sure,” Billy shrugged, figuring Adrian wasn’t trying to lie to him, “Ask her.” Billy turned away, feeling an odd sensation traveling up his back. He found himself glancing back over his shoulder, even though she was long gone.

They had waited around for hours on Friday night, Billy sprawled onto Adrian’s couch while the other boy was resting on the bed. She was supposed to be here at eight, but she had never arrived. Billy turned towards him, feeling as bored as he had the moment he stepped into his room. 

“Did you really ask her?” Adrian shot him a glare and turned away to shake his head. Billy’s foot was beginning to tap against the floor obnoxiously. It was getting late. He knew Neil would be pissed if he didn’t return soon. 

“I did,” Adrian snapped back at him quickly enough, “She said she’d do her best to make it, but if she didn’t it was because she had to watch her little sister.” Billy exhaled, thinking about how dumb it must be to have siblings that you had to watch yourself because your parents were too lazy to do so.

//////////

“Who was the girl you were with?” Billy was sprawled out across Adrian’s bed, flicking through a car magazine. He looked up at him curiously, not understanding the point of his question.

“What?” Billy almost laughed, feeling his lips curl up into a smile. Adrian looked anything but amused. Billy had been spending a lot of time here and he still couldn’t wrap his mind around it. They never did much. Usually they’d make out, occasionally they’d jerk each other off. It was never anything more than that. Billy wouldn’t allow it, everything would become too real then. 

“The girl you were kissing this morning. Who was she?” Adrian looked angry, taking Billy by surprise. He was usually the calm one. 

“I don’t know, some chick,” Billy shrugged, thinking her name had been Carly or Clara. She was a twin, he knew that much, “What the fuck is your problem?” He watched the way Adrian cursed under his breath and looked at him irritated. 

“Why are you kissing other people if we’re together?” The question floored Billy and he could feel the laugh forming on his chest as he sat on the edge of his bed. 

“I’m not with you,” Billy told him quickly. He didn’t like Adrian like that, he was sure of it. They were just messing around, that was it, “I don’t like you like that.” He said seriously, not liking the hurt look that Adrian was giving him. He was trying to force himself to stop feeling bad. If he liked Adrian, he was just as bad as what his father had always made him out to be. He couldn't live with himself if he was that way.

“You kiss me.” Adrian said simply, looking like he was trying to reason with himself. Billy took in a deep breath, feeling the conflicting emotions battling inside of his chest. He stared at the other boy, not sure where this was coming from all of a sudden. He thought that they had an understanding. 

“That’s different. I don’t care about you in that way. I’m not a queer. I like girls.” Billy told him slowly, almost sounding like he was trying to convince himself. He meant it though; he didn’t care for Adrian in that way. Billy was straight. He wasn’t what Neil liked to call him. 

“I never said you couldn’t like girls,” Adrian looked at him as if he had grown another head, “But if we’re with each other you shouldn’t be kissing other people.” Billy did laugh this time. He was sure Adrian had lost his mind. He was acting as bad as the girls who expected more of a relationship from him. He didn’t have that to give away. 

“Who said we were anything serious? You’re acting as whiny as the bitches who complain about not getting a second date.” Billy snapped back, feeling himself rise from the edge of the bed. Billy was angry, angry that Adrian was making a big deal out of nothing.

“You’re being a dick,” Adrian began to rise as well, barely towering over Billy, “Seriously, you know this is okay, right?” He looked worried, as if he realized Billy didn’t understand. Billy was almost offended that Adrian was coddling him. 

“This isn’t okay, nothing about this is okay,” He told him seriously, hearing his father’s words echo through his mind, “You’re not my girlfriend. Fuck off.” He told Adrian seriously, not wanting to hear about this anymore. Billy made his way towards the window, knowing he wasn’t going to come over anymore. He couldn’t handle this. 

“Billy, why are you treating me like this? It’s okay, I love you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Billy gazed up into his green, reassuring eyes for a moment. His thoughts trinkled into a bunch of what ifs and he knew that there was everything to be ashamed of. Neil would never let him live if he knew the truth, if he let this happen. He didn’t believe in love; he was still sure of that. This wasn’t love.

"Just leave me alone," Billy tried to push away from him, unable to bear another second here before he did something dumb. Adrian was built similar to him, but he was taller. Adrian shoved him back harshly, causing him to trip on his feet and land on the floor with a loud thud. His head throbbed from the impact, and he found himself trying to blink the injury away. His hand went to the back of his head and when he pulled it away his palm was covered in blood. He looked up at Adrian as he groaned, an odd pang traveling through his heart, "What the fuck?" He questioned him, feeling the hurt radiating through his body. 

"Billy," Adrian hesitated for a moment, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" Billy swatted his head again. Feeling a fresh surge of anger filling inside of him. He rose on his own, struggling for a moment. He as fighting the urge to beat Adrian senseless. He didn't like that Adrian had laid his hands on him, that he had hurt him. He wondered if it would always be like this. If he'd ever really be happy with anyone. 

"Stay away from me." Billy ignored the throbbing in the back of his head as he pushed past Adrian and made his way back out the window. He didn't speak to him again. He ignored him at school, completely cutting him out of his life. He didn't need Adrian smacking him around on top of Neil. Sometimes he could still feel Adrian's eyes watching him, but he no longer cared about him. Those conflicting feelings were gone. He was happy with that. However, the loneliness sank back in. 

Two weeks later, after the start of the new year, Neil had told Billy he’d met someone new. Someone who was going to change his life. Billy was sure his dad had no idea just how true that was. 

1984

“What are you doing?” He looked at the redhead sprawled across the couch, watching how she shoved ice cream into her mouth. He winced, regretting the question as he noticed her tear-stained cheeks and runny makeup.

“The guy I like took someone else to homecoming, if you must know,” She sniffed, taking another large bite to match her dramatics, “I don’t know why no one likes me here. I’m a loser.” She cried out, somehow even more dramatic than the last time. Billy winced, feeling like he had started something that he wasn’t sure how to explain. He rubbed the back of his neck, remembering how he had pushed Andy, a Junior on his basketball team, against the lockers once he had overheard him talking about Kim. He had shoved him so harshly that the lockers had bent under Andy’s weight. Billy suddenly felt bad again.

“It’s just homecoming,” He started, “It’ll be lame. It’s not even prom.” He tried to reason as he leaned his palms against the couch. She turned to him, sadness pooling in those hazel eyes. He stared as she looked away, wondering if she was ever really happy or was just good at hiding it. 

“Like I’ll be asked to prom,” She mumbled under her breath, apparently full of self-pity tonight, “Max even got a date for her junior dance.” Billy felt his face scowling into anger, still feeling the burning from his bruises from Neil’s beating. Things were still sour between him and Max from the Byer’s house. He still had to drop her off, like nothing had happened. He was sure he hated her. 

“Someone will ask you to prom,” He hesitated before he awkwardly tapped the top of her head, not sure how he was supposed to comfort someone, “You’re just being dramatic.” She shot her eyes up towards him.

“I’m not dramatic,” She exhaled deeply, “I’m sad. There’s a difference.” He felt a grin cracking on his lips as he watched her, too enthused with her actions.

“Do you want some weed?” He walked around the couch, sitting down on the opposite side and spreading his legs across the couch the same way she was. He took up most of the room as her tiny body curled into a small ball. He watched her hazel eyes widen, “It’ll relax you.” He teased her, unsure of why he was sticking around to talk to her. 

“No,” She squeaked out, “I’m too afraid.” She played with her hands, staring down at her lap like she didn’t know what to do. He smirked, pressing his leg closer against her and watching as she squirmed closer to the couch. It was like she didn’t know why he was bothering her either. 

“It’s not scary,” He told her seriously, watching the way her hazel eyes turned curious. He liked looking at her, he realized that he had for a long time. She was like an open book, full of information that he could easily read with one glance. He could tell her emotions easily and found himself searching deeper to try and feel what she was thinking, “I promise.” She almost looked like she was considering it. 

“That’s okay,” She said softly, looking like she felt guilty for telling him no. He had a sudden urge to grab her knees and pull her closer to him, but resisted the urge to do so, “I’m sorry. You’re right I’m dramatic. I don’t even know how to dance.” She brushed him off completely. For some reason, he found himself thinking that her reaction was cute. He paused, thinking that he found her cute most of the time. 

“You can’t dance?” He felt himself smiling, intrigued how she so easily opened up to him. He didn’t even have to pry, “Why not?” He thought it was typical that she would be so upset about not being asked to go to a dance when she couldn’t even dance.

“I never learned,” She rested her cheek against the couch, squishing up against it. She exhaled deeply and Billy drank in every movement, “I’m too embarrassed to try now.” 

“I can teach you.” He nearly kicked himself as he spoke, unsure of why he would say that. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she sat up from the couch, looking towards him in excitement.

“You know how to dance?” She leaned forward, her fingers brushing against his knees. He stiffened, feeling warmth spread through his body. He craved more of his touches, wanting to feel her hands everywhere.

“Yeah,” He exhaled softly, partially hoping that she would forget what he had said. She grinned, stepping over him and rushing to her room. He looked at her curiously, only to be answered when she came out carrying a tape, “Don’t tell me it’s your shitty country music.” He teased her, liking the way she got irritated when he did so. 

“No,” She protested, shooting him a look of brief annoyance, “I have good music. This is a good song. It’s by Elvin Bishop.” She reasoned as she turned the music up again. He shook his head, watching the giddy look on her face as she approached him again. He stared ahead at her, slowly reaching out and placing his hand across her waist. He ignored the tingling that traveled up his body. She took a giant step back, suddenly looking awkward as if she just realized he’d be touching her. 

“No, like this,” He wrapped his hand around her waist, ignoring the way her face burned, “And then we hold hands like this.” He showed her, feeling a spark spreading from their fingertips. He ignored it at the same time he was pleading with himself to stop. He was acting crazy. She was his sister; he wasn’t supposed to be this close to her.

“Better?” She asked unsure of herself, as usual, while they swayed back and forth. Her feet kept nudging against his, but he nodded his head.

“You dance fine,” He encouraged her, not quite recognizing himself as he spoke. She was so soft, so comforting in the air around him. All he wanted to do was wrap her up against him, to kiss her pretty plump lips that she kept biting in anticipation, “I don’t know what you were worried about.” He stared at her hazel eyes, thinking that they didn’t look quite so sad.

“I suck,” She told him seriously, and in reality, she did just a little bit, “But thank you.” Her smile lit up the darkness in his chest like she had placed a flashlight inside of him. His heart beat in a way he didn’t understand or know how to deal with. She was beautiful, inside and out. He felt his eyes drifting across her features as she stared down at her feet, eyebrows scrunched tightly together in concentration. He didn’t understand the feeling that arose when he was around her. It was like he forgot how to breathe, and she was the air he so desperately needed.

“My mom taught me,” He blurted out, unsure of why he was even saying anything. He was sure that she didn’t care, “She used to teach me how to dance in the mornings when she’d make breakfast.” He could feel his cheeks warming as he thought of how dumb he sounded at the moment. She raised those big eyes slowly, looking up at him with a giant grin. He momentarily halted his movements, too busy staring at the way her cheeks got rounder and her eyes grew softer.

“Billy, that’s so sweet,” She said softly, sounding as sweet as candy, “She taught you well.” She complimented. He gulped down hard, swallowing all of his emotions as the lyrics from the radio traveled towards him. He felt a weird rush traveling through his chest, as if he somehow could relate to the song that was playing. 

“It’s dorky,” He admitted, raising their hands above her head and spinning her around. She giggled loudly, the sound ringing in his ears like his favorite song. She swayed against him, moving much easier than before. He traced his fingers along her waist, wishing he could pull her closer towards him, “You’ll be a pro in no time.” 

“Only because you taught me,” She smiled bashfully, and Billy resisted the urge to grab her face and kiss her pouty little lips. It hurt him, thinking that one day she’d be kissing someone that wasn’t him. It was wrong to think that way, but he couldn’t help himself, “Thank you.” She mumbled out softly.

He twisted her again, but this time he didn’t fully turn her around to face him again. Her back was flush against the front of his body, and he almost fell to the floor from the sensation that traveled through his body. He looked at her pink face, noticing the shy way she glanced back towards him. He was swaying her softly, letting his hands travel across her hips and midriff. He was fighting the urge to think of what her skin would feel like flush against his. He wondered what she would sound like. She glanced up at him, looking at him with such joy that he swore he could kiss her. Her lips looked so plump, so soft. He was sure that she would taste as sweet as the candy she always ate. 

“No problem,” Billy was afraid to be the first one to pull away. At least now he had an excuse to touch her. He suddenly felt less shitty about himself as he relaxed against her. She was like a bright light in a dark room, something he had spent his whole life searching for, “I have to go.” He said finally, his heart racing too fast in his chest as he dropped their hands. She looked at him confused, still standing too close to him. He exhaled, trying to drop his irritation. He couldn’t believe all of the girls he’d been with before and it was his stepsister who he decided to actually fall for. 

He left as quickly as he had come, leaving her standing there with those big, confused doe eyes. He desperately wished to hold her again, to kiss her. He shook his head, grabbing his keys without another thought and going anywhere. As he drove away, he was wishing for the feelings in his chest to disappear. He needed space, somewhere to get far away from her. 

1985

Billy could still remember how she looked the night of the fourth. The fireworks had danced across her pale skin, the different colors bouncing off of her as if she were the bright lights in the sky. She had shone twice as bright, looked twice as beautiful as anything he had ever seen. He could still feel the way his heart raced for her, yearning for them to be closer than what they were. He was still in denial of his feelings; his feelings had been confusing for so long. 

He remembered the first time he really knew he was in trouble was the night after he took her virginity. She had stayed with him, even slept with him on the floor after she’d cleaned up his injuries. He couldn’t understand why she kept staying, even after he was mean to her. She was always there, waiting as if nothing had happened. He didn’t understand how someone could be so kind and so good. He didn’t deserve her. He was sure he could live a thousand different lifetimes and he would never deserve her. 

She was like a bright light on a dark night. He was drawn to her, even though he knew he would only bring her down with his misery. The past few weeks, he had felt like he was a completely different person when he was around her. It was nice to pretend, but the night before had been a wakeup call. He could see the look swimming in her hazel eyes. He had been dumb, suggesting a trip to get away. He tried to pretend that they were fine, that there was nothing between them. 

He hadn’t meant it when he told her he loved her. That’s what he had been trying to convince himself. He wasn’t sure why he had said it, but when he looked down at her big, shocked eyes he knew that he had made a mistake. He couldn’t be the person she needed for him to be. She deserved someone that could treat her well and that would never be him. 

He had tried before to place a wedge between them but seeing her with Steve’s arm wrapped around her shoulders had left him with a fire he didn’t understand. Billy wasn’t the type to get jealous, but he was sure that’s what was brewing inside of him. She had looked so pretty, all dolled up for him and he somehow had the gall to reject her. He had surprised himself that night, when he told her he wouldn’t see anyone else. He was still fighting his feelings, playing a dangerous game. 

He had been the one to come up with the stupid rules, yet he had been the one struggling with them for so long. He wished he was a different person, that he wasn’t so afraid to let himself be seen by her. He thought he trusted her, but he still couldn’t fully let her in. He’d give her little bits and pieces of himself, but he’d never let her fully in. He didn’t want her to pity him, to judge him. There had been too much that had happened. He wouldn’t be able to explain it to her. 

He wished the hurt in his chest would go away. He wished he could erase the image of her on her knees crying for him. His tongue burned from the harsh words he had spoken to her, but he knew it needed to happen. She wouldn’t ever believe him if he didn’t say tell her off. He took another deep breath, trying to control his breathing. She was right to question him, right to call him out for everything he had said. She knew his feelings better than he knew his own and that infuriated him. He didn’t like feeling like there was something out of his control, like there was something about himself that he didn’t understand. She had been so sure, and it wasn’t her fault, but it made him sick. He wanted to be the one to sort out his feelings first, to feel like he had some kind of control over the situation. In the end, it was his fault. He had treated her differently. He hadn’t ever been with her the way he had been with anyone else. Deep down he thought he knew what the answer was, but he wasn’t sure. He still wanted to believe that he had some choice in the manner. 

“We were supposed to be different!”

She was right. They weren’t supposed to end in some tragic way. That hadn’t been his plan. They were supposed to move on like nothing had happened, like there was nothing between them. There wasn’t supposed to be anything between them. 

He thought of that morning, how he knew deep inside of his chest that it was time to let her go. He hated the thought of it, but she had grown attached. He had to let her go before it hurt too badly. 

“You look like you slept well,” He had teased her when she finally returned to the bed from brushing her teeth. He felt a stroke in his pride, noticing that she had a slight limp in her walk, “Morning.” He told her softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. He noticed she always woke up later than what he did. 

“Morning,” Her cheek was squished against her pillow, her words becoming muffled as she spoke. His chest had been hurting from last night when he realized she had a familiar look in her eyes, “Why are you so far away?” She teased him, brushing her hand across his exposed chest softly. His whole body reacted in flames as he watched her. It was a constant battle as he fought himself from sinking against her. 

“Just tired,” He mumbled, lying to her. He was having a crisis. He feared that this trip had been a mistake and now their cards were on the table. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t be there for the way that she would need, “Don’t worry about it.” He winced, knowing his words were a lot harsher than what he meant for them to be. She didn’t seem to react at first. 

“Okay,” She spoke like she was in a dream. He wondered if they both were and they’d awake to something cruel. He memorized the freckles on her face, wondering if he could count all of them that decorated her body, “I feel happier when I’m with you.” She admitted softly, like she was scared to say it. He realized that she should be. He could read into her confession and that only seemed to draw him further away. He didn’t know how to make her happy. 

Billy didn’t know how to love.

His idea of love had been complicated. He used to watch his father kiss his mother gently after leaving her a sobbing, bloody mess on their tiled floors. His mom used to end every phone call by telling him how much she loved him, and she still left him. Neil would still tell him that he loved him after leaving him with swollen eyes and bloody noses. 

She had tried to convince him that everything would be fine, that they could somehow pretend to be happy together. He was fine now, but how long until he spiraled again? He didn’t want to drag her down with him. He didn’t want to cause her pain, but he knew that he would eventually. It wasn’t her fault, none of this was her fault. It was all his. 

He had slid the picture of the two of them from Chicago into his dresser, placing it with the other pictures he had taken of her. It felt odd, looking at it now and not recognizing himself in the frame. He hadn’t ever looked so happy, so carefree. It made him sick. He had ruined it, like he ruined everything else. 

He reached for the little black book in his dresser. It had been discarded for some time. Even if he did get with other women, all he would think about is Kim. She was always there, nestled away in the back of his mind like his favorite memory. He wanted to forget.

He paused for a few minutes before he touched her face in the picture. She looked so happy with her big cheeks and soft dimples. He wished he could kiss her face one last time. She really was a good kisser, and he loved the way she always seemed to melt against him. He hoped that he had memorized the shape of her body, the way her laugh sounded in a crowded room. He stared at her eyes last, feeling a punching feeling travel over his stomach when he realized she didn't look so sad at the moment. She looked so happy. He closed the drawer slowly before he stood and made his way out into the hallway.

He couldn’t help but peek into her room and wasn’t surprised to find that it was empty. He had heard her stomp off and slam Max’s door shut. It had been hours and had since grown dark. He hoped that she was asleep, it would be easier to sneak out without having to see her. Still, he paused in her doorway and looked at her bed. The two stuffed animals he had gifted her still adorned her bed. He exhaled deeply before walking towards the phone.

It rang for some time before the familiar woman’s voice answered, “Hello? Who is this?” Her voice was irritating to him for some reason. He knew why, it wasn’t Kim’s. Still, he ignored the hurt in his chest as he put on his best charm.

“Can you guess who?” He closed his eyes as he flirted, wishing that he hadn’t been so dumb. He wished things hadn’t gotten this bad.

“Billy,” He could hear the smile in her voice, “What are you calling for?” She sounded confused and Billy couldn’t blame her. He had done his best to ignore her and all the other women in his life since Kim stepped forward. He bit his lip.

“I was thinking of you,” He lied easily as he cupped the phone to his face, “How about we meet tonight. The usual spot?” He knew she would agree, he knew that she would be the easiest one to go for. He was right, she agreed easily, and he was hanging up the phone. He stared at the wall for a long time, wondering if his decision was worth it. 

“Where are you going?” He winced, closing his eyes tightly at the sound of her voice. He turned, almost slowly as he looked at her. He felt the wound in his heart opening up at the view of her. She looked fragile as she leaned against Max’s doorway, her hazel eyes wide and red. Her cheeks were tear stained and she looked like she was in disarray. His chest hurt, realizing he had been the one to do that.

“Out.” He spoke simply, trying to keep his voice from shaking. He stepped away from the phone, feeling sick with guilt suddenly. He wondered how much she had heard. Her eyes traced over his features, like she was searching for something hidden behind his words.

“Why don’t you love me?” She said suddenly, breaking the quiet tension between them. He felt a lump forming in the back of his throat. It was almost too much to swallow. She sounded heartbroken, like she’d never be able to get over him. He knew it wasn’t true. He knew she’d find someone better, she just had to realize that.

“Kim,” He wasn’t sure what she wanted him to say, “It’s not that.” He knew if he only told her how wonderful she was, she wouldn’t believe him. She stepped closer, pushing her way down the hallway as she watched him with those eyes that seemed to be even more sad than usual. He looked away, unable to look at them and know that he was the one to cause it. 

“Then what is it?” Her voice wobbled as she spoke. He stared at the ground, listening to the way her soft footsteps approached him. He exhaled deeply, fearing that he might break down in front of him. The truth was that he didn’t know. He didn’t know why he had to ruin the one good thing in his life. There was something about him that didn’t seem to be truly happy unless he knew that he was suffering. There had to be something bad in life happening for him to be content. He didn’t know how to be happy. He couldn’t be the happy person that she wanted him to be.

“We agreed on no feelings.” He defended himself, trying to think of the best way to make her leave him alone. It was too hard, standing in front of her and not being able to hold her. He didn’t like the feeling that his chest seemed to be hurting worse.

“Then why would you tell me you love me? Why would you make me feel like I’m special? I know how I feel, Billy.” She demanded, a soft tear falling down her cheek. He felt his hands moving but he quickly dropped them to his sides, pretending to dig through his pockets instead. 

“It’ll pass,” He reasoned, still neglecting to look at her, “It always passes.” He told her truthfully. No one had stuck around in his life; she wouldn’t be any different. He kept trying to convince himself that this was the easy way to end it. It would be better before either of them got too attached. 

"Do you think I could forget you?" She spoke so softly it took a moment for him to hear. His heart beat roughly against his chest as he stared at her, unsure of what he was supposed to say. He knew that eventually her feelings would change. She would wake up one day and realize how much better he deserved. He couldn't stick around for someone else to leave in his life. Not her. He'd never get over her. 

"Everyone forgets about me." He admitted after a second. The look she gave him nearly brought him to his knees. She looked so broken at the moment and it hurt. It hurt to know that he had been right, that one day he would end up like his dad. He didn't want her to hurt, he wanted to take it all away from her. But this was for the best. 

“Why do you want to torture yourself?” She asked, her voice breaking again, “I know it’s messed up. This whole thing isn’t normal, but it happened. We could be happy. I know we could.” He stared at her, wishing he was strong enough to believe her words. He didn’t know how they could ever be happy. They’d have to go far away from Hawkins and even then, they’d always know the truth. Things could happen and their truth would be revealed. He didn’t care what people thought of him, but he knew she did. She was too sweet, she wanted everyone to like her. He didn’t want her to be an outcast because of him. 

“You don’t know shit about me,” He told her seriously, “Whatever person you have cooked up in your head, isn’t me.” He tried to reason with her, tried to have her make her own sense before it became too much. He didn’t want to hurt her, but she wasn’t backing down. 

“It is you,” She sounded desperate, and he hated it. He hated that he was the one making her feel this way, “You don’t want to accept that you’re a good person. You are.” She reached for him, but he pulled away again. He hated the look that crossed her eyes. Things were tense, quiet as he debated with himself. He had reached his end; he knew things weren’t going to get better from here. He'd lose his temper eventually and it would only make things worse. 

“Is there anything else you need from me, or can I go now?” He finally asked, letting the air leave his chest. She stared at him in disbelief, looking more frustrated than he had ever seen her before. She looked like she was about to argue, but he beat her to the crushing blow, “I have a date.” 

The house turned cold, like he had just burned all of the warmth between them. He clenched his fingers into fists, trying to ignore the hurt that crossed her face. She looked to be in anguish, in more pain than the night she had received the large gash on her hand. Her eyes glazed over again, and he didn’t miss the way her bottom lip wobbled. He felt shame and guilt swimming inside of his stomach, making him feel sick with himself. He was terrible, maybe now she’d finally realize that and stop pretending. He waited for her to say something, but she only stood there. She was watching him like she didn’t recognize the person in front of her. He knew she finally had the truth; this is who he was. There was no point in pretending anymore.

Billy had thought his heart had been gone for so long, he hadn’t believed he still had one until she came into his life. She had sparked something inside of him that he thought was dead. He was sure he had broken hers. He had taken all of her that was good and kind and broke it, shattered it on the floor into a million tiny pieces. She had tried to put on a good front, but he could see right through her. It hurt worse than any of Neil’s punches. He had never felt so shitty before in his life. He hated himself as soon as the words left off of his tongue.

He was unlovable.

“Okay,” She said at last, sounding like she was seconds from breaking down into tears, “Go have fun. Go drink yourself stupid and fuck whoever you want. That’s your right. If you want to ruin this, ruin it. It’s clear I can’t stop you.” He didn’t like the way her words dangled over his head. It almost felt like she was giving him an ultimatum. He stared at her for a long time, watching the way she kept gulping hard to keep herself from bursting into tears. 

He didn’t have a response for her, so he turned on his heel and let the door slam shut behind him. He couldn’t be in that damn house anymore. He couldn’t stay thinking about the feelings and all the different what ifs. He wanted to forget everything that had happened. He wanted to forget that this was all his fault because he was scared. 

It hurt knowing that he couldn’t ever be what she needed. He’d forever regret that. 

////////

Tommy was having a small get together in preparation for another party he was throwing the upcoming weekend. Billy really didn’t care as long as he got drunk. He was nursing a beer, hiding in the corner of the room and doing his best to ignore the sad eyes Tina was sending him. 

“I can’t believe you slept with-“ Billy shot Tommy a warning look as he approached him. Tommy held a hand up innocently, laughing as he did so, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was a sore topic.” Billy glanced over at him.

“It was a mistake,” He breathed out, not drunk enough to ignore the guilt in his stomach. He took another large gulp to drink away the image of Kim’s sad eyes, “It’s not happening again.” He breathed out slowly.

“Did you break it off with the one chick then?” Tommy leaned against the wall, lighting up a cigarette as he spoke. Billy frowned, thinking that Kim deserved better than to be referred to as that chick.

“She told me she loves me.” Billy said finally as he took another drink of his beer. He feared he’d need something stronger to get through this conversation.

“Shit.” Tommy looked at him with wide brown eyes, like he couldn’t believe it himself. Billy exhaled softly, feeling the conversation course through his mind again. He was like he was being tortured. He hadn’t been able to forget her yet, it was driving him insane. 

“Yeah.” Billy said finally, watching the way people were dancing around him. It made him sick again as he thought of her. He wondered if she would’ve liked to join him, or if she would’ve felt like she had to babysit him again. She should’ve left him in a drunken stupor that night, let him wake to his own filth. Instead, she had bathed him. He inhaled deeply, reaching for Tommy’s cigarette as the memory came flooding back. He didn’t deserve that. 

“You didn’t say it back?” Tommy sounded almost surprised. Billy shot him a look, shaking his head in irritation. Tommy knew better than to ask Billy that. It was insane to even think that he’d be able to say it back.

“I don’t love her.” He spoke and felt a numbing feeling settling across his chest. He stared ahead, trying to drown the dumb music that was playing around him. He locked eyes with Tina for a moment but turned away as he thought of Kim again. He wondered what she was doing, if she was still locked up in her room crying. 

“Dude,” Tommy trailed off for a moment, “It’s obvious you do. You’ve been acting differently recently.” Billy rolled his eyes, irritated that Tommy kept bringing that up. He had heard about it all summer and it was starting to get on his nerves.

“You don’t even know me.” Billy told him stubbornly, knowing it was the truth. He may consider Tommy as a friend but that didn’t mean they were close. He kept him at arms distance at all times, just like everyone else.

“I know you do dumb shit when you’re mad,” Tommy laughed as if he was thinking of a different memory. Billy watched him closely, “You’re stubborn as well.” Billy was sure everyone knew that, he wasn’t very impressed with Tommy's knowledge. No one really knew him and that was partially his fault. He didn't need that many people close to him. He was better off alone. 

“I don’t like her like that.” Billy retorted, urging the memory of Kim to die inside of his chest. He wondered if whatever was left of his heart would die too. He leaned back against the wall, trying to think of anything but her. Instead, he kept imagining the cute little dress she would've worn if she had come with him tonight. How she should've been glued to his side. How they would've been a bit too obvious about how they feel. 

“Who's the lucky bitch anyways?” Tommy questioned with a smirk on his face. Billy snarled, feeling angry that he would refer to her in that way. Kim was anything but that. She was kind and gentle. Even with everything that he'd done, he'd never really seen her get that angry with him. She was delicate and he only knew how to break things. 

“Don’t call her that,” He snapped, looking at Tommy in anger, “It doesn’t matter, it’s over.” Tommy was quiet for a moment as they passed his cigarette back and forth. Billy focused on breathing in and out, willing the ache in his chest to disappear. It was like she was right here at this moment. Like a piece of her had broken off and followed him. He couldn't get any peace. 

“You know, I think you should let me have a chance with Kim,” Billy’s head snapped so hard to the right he nearly smacked into the wall. Tommy had a small smile on his face, looking a bit too happy at the thought of Kim, “I know, she’s your sister and whatever that fucking rule is but she’s so sweet.” Billy could feel the anger fueling inside of him. He clenched his fist together and tightened his jaw, fighting the urge to punch him. Tommy was just as bad as leaving girls high and dry. Not to mention, the thought of Kim being with anyone else left him shaking. He still routinely got upset when he would think about Steve's arm wrapped around her shoulder in the movie theater. The way her face had gotten so red. He wanted to be the one that left her flustered, not anyone else.

It was confusing. 

“She’s not my sister.” Billy was more than irritated now. He wasn’t sure why that was the thing he wanted to say, but he did. He had never thought of Kim in that way. He was slowly beginning to accept Max as his dumb little sister. Kim would never be. She was something else, something more to him. He drank again, feeling his can growing emptier. He needed another. 

“Then why do you-,” Tommy paused, stopping himself as he looked at Billy’s irritated form. Billy glanced away from him, not liking the way he was watching him, “Oh shit. Shit, no. Are you serious?” Billy looked at him alarmed and glanced over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t talking about someone next to them. His heart seemed to skip a beat when he glanced back at Tommy.

“What?” Billy questioned him, not liking the nervous feeling that was settling inside of his stomach. Tommy just stared at him, his freckled cheeks reddening. Billy stared right back, daring him to mention whatever he was thinking. They had been careful. There was no way Tommy of all people could suspect anything. 

“You and Kim?” Tommy finally choked the words out. Billy stared at him hard, feeling himself stiffen against the wall. He paused, realizing that he may have let Tommy get too close to him. His pulse quickened but he kept a calm face as he glanced towards him again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Billy felt another spark of anger as Tommy was quick to shake his head, like he had the right to disagree with him, “I would never get with her.” Billy snapped, trying to keep himself as calm as he could manage. Tommy had a small grin on his annoying face. 

“Good, because you know she really is cute. I like redheads. Sad girls just always spread their legs so much easier, I bet my cock would solve all of her worries.” Anger flashed through Billy, and he was reaching for Tommy’s collar before he could stop himself. Tommy was laughing again, patting his shoulders to stop him, “I’m just fucking with you.” Billy exhaled deeply, not liking that he had been exposed so easily.

“Fuck you.” Billy told him seriously, trying to think of a way to defend his actions. He was trying to think of an excuse, trying to think of a way to deny everything that Tommy had just been right about. He could bring up that she was his sister again, but something in Billy felt tired. He couldn't find the energy to say anything suddenly. 

“I’m not judging, if she was my sister, I’d fuck her too.” Tommy spoke with a laugh, but Billy could tell that he wasn’t joking. Billy exhaled deeply, shaking his head as he took the last drag of the cigarette. He put it out against the wall for good measure, making sure that Tommy was watching him do it. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, but he trusted Tommy not to say anything. 

“I’m going to punch you.” Billy grumbled out, meaning it seriously. He wasn’t sure what he had done to make Tommy suspicious, but he didn’t like how he basically knew the truth. He decided he would keep this from Kim, not wanting her to end up freaking out again. He suddenly wondered if she'd even get upset, since she apparently had such strong feelings for him now. He had a feeling Tommy wasn’t going to let him deny anything either. His grin only seemed to grow as he watched Billy’s irritated features. 

“You know I get it; I mean I had a cousin who I accidentally slept with.” Tommy spoke up randomly. Billy felt his nose scrunching up as he made a face. Billy didn't have any cousins, as far as he was aware, but didn't understand how you'd sleep with someone who was actually related to you. Billy supposed he wasn't much better at the moment. 

“How do you accidentally sleep with someone?” Billy wasn’t sure why that was his first question and not why his friend had slept with his cousin. Tommy exhaled, looking like he regretted saying anything. His brown eyes darted around this time, checking to see if anyone was listening. 

“Well, the accident was that I didn’t know she was my cousin.” Tommy admitted, talking with his hands as he took a drink from his beer. Billy fought the urge to laugh, unsure of why he found it so funny. For a moment he thought about teasing him, wanting to ask him if that's why Carol had dumped him this time. He kept quiet, realizing Tommy had accepted his answer. 

“That’s fucked.” Billy told him seriously, raising his eyebrows as he watched Tommy’s freckled face grow red. Now, Tommy was the one who looked irritated.

“Says the one whose fucking his sister.” Tommy shot back, looking just as irritated. Billy shook his head, stifling a laugh into his hand as he brushed his fingers across his lip.

“Not my sister:” He shook his head, wondering why he was having this conversation in the first place. He felt weird, slightly better. He had a sudden urge to tell Tommy everything he had done wrong. He wondered if his friend would know how to fix it, how to fix him. 

“What’s going on?” Chrissy appeared, smiling up brightly with her big blue eyes. She had two beers in her hands, reaching them towards the two boys with a big smile. Billy took it without a word, quickly turning to Tommy and giving him a warning look.

“Billy's lovesick,” Tommy pinched his cheek playfully, leaning against him as he did so, “He just won’t admit it.” Tommy fake pouted as he patted Billy’s cheek. He shoved his shoulder hard, knocking Tommy off as he scoffed and opened his new beer.

“Oh, who?” Chrissy looked excited, like she had just woken up to a pile of gifts underneath the Christmas tree. Billy shook his head, feeling a new wave of annoyance settling over him. He wished he hadn’t opened his mouth in the first place.

“Doesn’t matter,” Billy grumbled under his breath, "And I don’t love her.” The words hurt his chest as he spoke, but he ignored that feeling too. Tommy was smirking from ear to ear as he watched him. 

“I could help you,” Chrissy was grinning in excitement, “Do you want to make her jealous?” She was practically bouncing as she spoke. Billy felt a smile forming, despite the odd feeling in his chest. He thought that Chrissy and Kim would be good friends if they had the chance. He shook his head no, remembering how Kim had been around Tina. He didn’t want to hurt her. 

“I think he’s denying his feelings for her,” Tommy patted Billy’s chest with a smirk, “He doesn’t want to admit it.” Billy tried to ignore the ache that throbbed in his chest as Tommy’s hand brushed against his heart. He exhaled deeply, closing his eyes in frustration before he opened them again. 

“Oh, you just need to tell her,” Chrissy spoke up eagerly, “What’s the worst that could happen?” She offered, looking like Billy had just said the most romantic thing ever. Tommy opened his mouth first. 

“Well-”

“Shut up, Tommy,” Billy glared at him, keeping him quiet from blowing their cover. He might not care at the moment, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care for how Kim would react. She would freak out if anyone knew the truth. He didn’t want to scare her, “I’m not lovesick. I don’t do love.” He shrugged his shoulders as he opened his beer. 

“Sounds sad,” Chrissy made a disappointed face. If only she knew how sad his life actually was, “Who is it?” Chrissy tried again, digging for any details she could get her hands on. 

“No one that’s here,” Tommy spoke up again, “Ow!” He rubbed at his side, where Billy had just hit him hard. He was getting irritated again, wishing that the conversation would divert away from him. The more he thought about Kim, the more his heart hurt. He hated the feeling that was racing through his chest at the moment. It was making him feel angry and bitter. 

“Why are you all up in my business anyways?” Billy huffed out, feeling irritated that the topic was still on him. He didn’t like talking about stuff like this. He sounded like a dumb bitch that was mulling over someone. He wasn’t like that.

“Because you’re making yourself miserable when you don’t have to.” Tommy shrugged his shoulders, as if it was that easy to decide. Billy felt his eyebrows furrowing together.

“Why don’t you just tell her?” Chrissy asked, completely naive to anything else that was happening. He shook his head, fearing he would snap if they kept on him like this. 

“I’m not miserable,” He defended himself as he took another drink. He needed something stronger, something that burned when it entered his system, “I’m happy.” He did his best to smile as the other two just continued to look at him. 

“You know,” Tommy nudged him again, earning an exaggerated sigh from Billy, “You deserve to be happy too.” Billy stared at him for a long time, wishing it was that easy to accept his words. He wished he had the ability to just forget everything else in his life that had happened. If he got with Kim, he’d have to tell her everything. There could be no secrets between them, he knew that. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to open that can of worms. He had a lot hidden, that only he knew about. He wasn’t sure if he could share it with her. Surely, she’d hate him once she found out about everything that he had done. He didn’t want to look into her disappointed eyes and listen to her tell him that she had changed her mind. He couldn’t take that heartache. 

“I don’t want to talk about her,” He hissed out, “I came here to do anything but talk about her. So, can we stop? Please.” They both watched him for a moment in silence. Billy finished the rest of his beer, chugging it down as he urged to feel the familiar buzz throughout his body. 

“Well,” Chrissy drew out slowly, “What can we do to help?” She looked towards Tommy encouragingly, like there was some grand plan to somehow make Billy feel better. He appreciated her trying, but help wasn’t something that he needed. He knew there was no help for him. This was his fault; it was his problem. He didn’t need anyone; he was used to being alone. They both stared at him though, like they were waiting for his word. He shrugged, knowing the only thing he wanted to do was forget. He was sure Neil and Susan would be home soon, but he didn’t care. He felt like a beating was what he deserved anyways. He’d deal with that later. 

“Stop talking about her.” Billy said honestly, still craving the urge to forget everything that had happened. He oddly found himself thinking of how she would gently play with his hair. His body twitched at the memory, and it was almost like he could feel her gentle hands at the moment.  Tommy hesitated for a second.

“You know, not talking about her isn’t going to help,” Tommy glanced towards Chrissy and lowered his voice as he leaned in closer to Billy, “You know you have to see her every day, right?” Chrissy leaned in closer, looking offended as she missed out on crucial details of their conversation. Billy exhaled deeply.

“I’m well aware of that.” Billy grumbled out, already planning how he was going to avoid seeing her. He could move out, but he didn’t want to. She was still keeping him there, even if he couldn’t be with her. He didn’t want to completely lose her. 

“That means that any time she brings someone over, you’ll have to hear.” Tommy told him seriously, gauging his reaction. Billy scoffed, knowing that Kim wasn’t the type to do that. Knowing her, she’d panic over bringing anyone home. Not to mention that she currently lacked a door to her room. 

“She’s not like that.” Billy insisted, watching the amused look that grew on Tommy’s face again. Billy felt another urge to punch him. 

“She wasn’t, because she had you,” Tommy said seriously as he motioned towards Billy with his hands, “She can be with anyone she wants now.” He said seriously. Billy felt his nose flare at the thought of Kim with anyone but him. He quickly tried to relax himself, but Chrissy had caught on easily to his angry features.

“You can’t get mad at her for hypothetically getting with someone when you say that you don’t care about her.” Chrissy said softly, like she was delivering a blow to him. He knew it was dumb, he knew it didn’t make sense.

“She deserves someone better.” Billy shrugged his shoulders, feeling his shoulders stiffening in defense when Tommy pretended to gag. Chrissy made a face, then shoved him.

“Be nice,” She told Tommy seriously before she looked back at Billy, “I’m sure she’s smart enough to decide who’s worth her time and who isn’t.” Billy wanted to say that she was smart enough for a lot of things, but she didn’t know what love was. Not truly. He didn’t want to ruin love for her. 

“You don’t understand.” He exhaled softly, trying to think of a way to explain how he was feeling. He wasn’t good at this part. 

“I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit,” Tommy was laughing, “You sound like an ass. You don’t want to be with her, because you think she doesn’t deserve you? I think she can make her own decisions.” Billy rolled his eyes.

“Why would I ask you for relationship advice in the first place?” Billy questioned him, knowing the full truth of what had happened between Tommy and Carol. Tommy paused for a moment.

“Touche,” He was still grinning, rolling the comment off of him easily, “If you don’t want to be with her then you can’t get mad if she gets with someone else.” Billy was simmering in his anger, waiting for his top to blow.

“Thanks for reminding me again.” He spoke dryly. If he tried hard enough, he could get with any of these girls and pretend they were Kim. A little pretending wouldn’t hurt him that much. 

“Well,” Tommy looked at him seriously as Chrissy glanced back and forth between them, “I don’t think you fully realize that.” Billy was well aware of what he meant. He’d get over it. It would be hard, but he could. 

His stomach dropped again as he thought of her. He thought of her big hazel eyes, her bright smile and the way her body reddened so easily. He could still hear her laugh and the way her body molded against his perfectly. He used to hate how he thought she fit around him perfectly, but she did. He thought of the cute outfits she wore, how she intensely did her makeup and willed for him to notice her. He wondered if she’d go back to Steve. He’d be stupid not to get with someone like Kim. She was completely different from anyone he had ever met. He didn’t want to lose her, but it felt easier to let her go now than hurt her in the future. 

“Billy, you deserve love like everyone else.” Chrissy said softly, looking up at him with bright blue eyes. He stared at her for the longest time, wishing that it was just that easy to accept. If he was going to let anyone love him, it would be Kim. He felt sick again and he willed for the feeling to leave him. He had to distract himself from the thought of her.  He moved forward, dropping his empty beer to his side as he pulled Chrissy’s small hands into his large ones. He pulled her closer, watching the way her blue eyes widened. 

“Dance with me.” 

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove x oc #billy hargrove stepcest #tw stepcest #tw pseudocest #billy hargrove x original character #Cruel Summer #Billy Hargrove angst

[icos-3]

Chapter 1 - The Kidnapping of Danny Fenton - Tumblr Edition

Since AO3 is down, I might as well post the chapters here as well. Would give me some time to edit and sift through everything again to refresh my memory. This is not a rewrite of the story and will contain fixes and corrections that went unnoticed by me. These edits will eventually be added to AO3.

1 - 2 Index

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Danny felt something. Something far away poked him in his sides. He wished that whoever it was would just let him sleep.

He rolled over slightly, adjusting himself.

I thought I told Jazz not to wake me up so early. It's Saturday…

He got poked again.

Maybe it's not Jazz. Maybe it's mom, but why would she-

. \ / \ / .

-there was an electric jolt of pain

He couldn't move

It spread from his stomach to the rest of his body

He couldn't open his eyes

. | .

There was nothing but silence and a spreading numbness in his body…

it stopped…

his hands jittered uncontrollably around him, searching…

his body whimpered…

Where are my blankets…?

he tried to curl into himself…

why is my room so cold…?

he couldn't…

what is happening-

there was a sharp poke at his side

. / \ / \ .

his body shook

it started again

he saw stars dancing across his vision

everything…

his arms…

his legs…

it felt like the whole world shook with him

his head….

. | .

it stopped

it hurts…

everything…

it all pulsed…

he felt his heart skip a beat…

it all hurts so bad…

his core pulsed with heat…

what is happening…?

why would they do this to him…?

mom...

dad...

why would they do this…

why would they do this to me-

. \ / \ / .

his body shook violently

it happened again…

he tried to do… something….

but nothing happened

only pain…

. | .

it stopped as soon as it had begun…

he opened his mouth…

to scream…

to shout…

all that came out of his mouth was a small and dry sob.

a cold and harsh flood of air filled his lungs…

everything went silent…

except for weak and abrupt sobs…

the floor seemed to absorb any energy he was letting off…

it was cold…

not the good cold…

colder than even he could handle…

was it even mom and dad doing this…?

he heard hollow footsteps

he shuddered…

it was everywhere…

the floor…

it was harsh…

unforgiving…

his mind reached a horrifying conclusion

this is not home…

he was not safe…

his body rattled

his muscles contracted to curl together…

who would do this?

he felt movement…

who was-

Reluctantly, he began to open his eyes to get a look at whoever was causing him all this pain.

Almost as if in response -or retaliation- to this, he was greeted to a harsh spotlight shining on him.

He flinched at the light hitting his retinas and forcefully closed his eyes and turning his head. He raised his hands to shield himself from the bright bombarding light. The ice cold fingertips soothed his reddened face as they weakly settled onto his skin.

Something -or someone- stepped forward.

"Rise and shine, Phantom"

He squinted his eyes open to look at whoever was standing in front of him. They were drowned in black, their silhouette outlined by the harsh and sterile white light. They were wearing some sort of medical gown

Wait

He felt around his body. It felt all too human.

oh no

"What? Surprised your little secret's out in the open?"

they know

A wave of distress flooded his entire being. He readjusted himself to try and sit upright. His body whole body felt stiff.

they know?

He opened his mouth to try and say something.

"Hhhhhhh…"

All that came out were dusty husks of words. Something was wrong with his vocal cords. His throat was so dry, it felt as if it would give him paper cuts.

what did they do?

"Aww, the poor thing is shaking!"

They came closer. Danny withdrew backwards, almost hitting his head against a wall.

"It looks like it needs some help!"

The person's sterile blue face mask was now visible. Their eyes were hidden behind large and dark goggles, and their hair was full of short and messy clumps.

They turned to look behind them. Towards the light.

"Agent T. Agent V."

Two human figures made their way out from behind the first.

Both were wearing the same medical white gowns and blue masks. One was wearing the same goggles the first had. The other wore a set of clunky large headphones and… chains?

The one in the middle returned their attention to Danny.

"Take our new patient to the operating room!"

What?

Danny tried his best to crawl away from the quickly encroaching figures. It was no use, he had backed himself into a corner.

Danny had to do something.

One of the two figures had cuffed his right leg to the chain while he wasn't looking. The other approached closer and closer, hiding something behind their back.

He had to escape.

There was one thing he could do now.

His core thrummed.

His sky blue eyes glared a toxic green at the three approaching figures, and ghostly white rings flared to life.

. / \ .

The three assailants backed away from him as he got engulfed by light.

His red t-shirt, blue sweatpants, and midnight black hair got replaced by a black and white lab suit, and piercing white strands on his head.

His leg became transparent and phased out of the cuff. He jumped towards the light and-

his shoulder was pierced by something thin and sharp.

He hissed at the person standing behind him and backed up till he was against the other wall of the room, behind the light that had blinded him before, and pulled the object impaling him out of his neck.

He looked at the three approaching figures. Were they always so… wavy?

He looked down towards the thing in his hand. It was an empty syringe.

Oh no

He tried to phase through the wall behind him, but he couldn't. It stopped him. The wall stopped him?

His eyes darted around the room desperately, before-

There!

A door across from him revealed itself behind the blinding light.

That must be the exit!

He bound towards the door, trying his best to avoid the three fuzzy figures and latched onto the handle. He tried to tug at it. To pull it open and run through.

but nothing happened.

His arm wasn't responding.

He tried harder to pull on the door, to no avail.

He looked down to see what was wrong with his arm and-

when did I get on the floor?

Cold, lifeless tiles stared back at him, with the door a few inches away, mocking his feeble attempt.

He tried crawling towards it, but no matter how hard he tried, his limbs wouldn't listen to him.

He felt a grip on his ankles.

No!

He was hoisted up into the air and turned to meet his assailants face to face.

"Not quite so easy, eh?"

The cold and familiar voice rang in his ears as the menacing figure stepped into the bright, blinding light.

"We knew something like this would happen. So we made sure you couldn't get out"

"Let me go!"

He wanted to lash out at the one holding him up, but all of his efforts were in vain. His whole body felt numb.

Unresponsive.

Limp...

"Oh! So he does speak! I'm afraid we won't be able to do that! We have great plans for you!"

"You can't! I-I-"

"Oh? Can't we now?" They looked him in the eye for a bit. It sounded like they were willing to take up his challenge.

"Agent V, be a dear and put our patient to rest!"

"NO-"

Danny felt another jab in his neck, this one more painful than the first.

NO!

His vision blurred.

No…

He saw the figure inch closer before his eyes fell.

"Sleep tight, prized specimen."

Black filled his vision.

please…

His body bumped against fabric and clicked against metal, and eventually, he felt gravity pull him downwards, stopped only by two arms holding him.

They started moving

no...

"Agent T?"

. .

no….

. . .

"Take him to the operating room!"

. . . . .

let me go...

#danny phantom #ao3 fanfic #fanfiction #dp au #danny fenton #danny gets tortured #original characters #The Kidnapping of Danny Fenton #ao3 is down