I made her a martini on the rocks,
But she didn't like it.
I could tell,
She stirred
After a small sip.
We started to dance in a room
Where the ceiling
Seemed as expansive
As the sky.
"Billie Holiday's pain is more beautiful than mine." I said
"I hope you never speak to your wife this way."
She said
A tall blonde danced by
And mother smiled,
"Isn't she adorable, be a go getter Edward."
Her eyes were warm with love and gin
As we danced in dim light.
The blonde danced by us again,
So mother gently pushed me away,
Under her breath she said
"Go get her".
I hadn't heard her voice in years
I woke with it all over me.
Like that gentle and rolling thunder
And the water from heaven cool
In my open window.
Mississippi Night
My father waited more than a year to clear her things out of the upstairs bathroom.
Each morning before school when I took a shower,
The bathroom smelled just like her.
Her body lotion, face lotion, perfume…
Each evening too after basketball or baseball practice.
The evening that my father made the decision to remove her personal items from the upstairs bathroom,
My father, a man of many words, just uttered one sentence-
“I hope she will always come floating through the air to me”
My father then took a long pull and finished his martini.
He lowered his head and wandered into his bedroom.
I was thinking of my father as
I turned off the lamps in my room.
Did he sleep at night? I thought.
I lifted the windowpane above my bed to feel
The October air in my bedroom
“I hope she will always come floating through the air to me”
I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply.
The air was thick with the smell of smoldering leaves.
My mind wandered to memories of her and leaves
And love and then
The house felt still and vacant.
I lit a cigarette and turned on the stereo.
I fell back onto my bed,
The cold air rushed through the window and against my face.
I inhaled deeply on my cigarette,
Savoring the warmth and humidity of it.
Listening to the sounds outside of my window, I said to myself again
“I hope she will always come floating through the air to me”
I heard the sound of dogs howling in the distance,
They sounded hungry and cold.
I listened as the wind screeched and howled,
I burrowed into the covers of my bed to keep warm.
My stereo played softly as I drifted under thick blankets,
I was almost asleep when the sudden silence of trees woke me up.
I thought of my father,
When did he last sleep?
I thought of his last words-
“I hope she will always come floating through the air to me”
We feel asleep with the window open that night,
Mississippi John Hurt playing on the stereo,
I’m fairly confident that the last song on that record is
You are my Sunshine.
I’m reading ‘Women by the door’ by my virtual friend and poet, Kashiana Singh. I bought this book sometime in March and I read a few poems as soon as I got the book. I loved the ones I read so much, that I decided I would read one a day so I could savour each poem, allow it to marinate in my heart and my head and see which ones remained with me long after I had read them and then accordingly…
what is pain? you ask me.
i trace out the print of his palm like a child drawing their mother art for thanksgiving. i am not thankful at all. i wonder if he knows my knees no longer bleed when i pray. i wonder if he thinks about the rainbow he left under his fingertips and i hope he has grown enough to understand the difference between creating something beautiful and forcing it on somebody.
what is pain? you ask me.
i draw the shape of his mouth, all teeth. it seems obvious to us that sharp things should be handled with care yet we are still learning that our tongues are razorblades. when dogs bite, they are put down. i always thought that there must come a point to which somebody has to stop chewing their nails. after all, they reach skin. then you meet somebody who gets straight through the muscle, straight through the bone.
what is pain? you ask me.
i tell you that the earth has a core that no human can touch. i tell you that it is inherently impossible to distinguish between baggage and bullshit. i tell you that your body is made of seventy percent of the same substance that found it was possible to shatter titanium. i tell you that digging deeper often leads to dirty hands. i tell you his name.
Debut poetry collection by Akhila Mohan CG, #Tamarind: Sweet and Sour Poems about Love, Loss, Life and Longing,' published by Simurg, an imprint of Kitaab International, a Singapore based publishing group giving voice to Asian writer's.
Before I say goodbye, I want to tell you that I will always love you, whether you are downstairs, across the street, in a different neighborhood, or in a different part of the world. And even though my heart is still breaking, I know that you will always fiercely and unconditionally love me. Those who you will meet will be lucky to have been in your presence, even just for a moment, just as I have been lucky enough to have known you for as long as I have. It has been a privilege to know you, and an even greater privilege to love and be loved by you. You will always be a part of my life, and I will always be a part of yours. Thank you for being the best person that you could be, and above all, the best person that anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for going above and beyond in what started as nothing and became a relationship that will far outlast our time together. Thank you for the memories, both the good and the bad, and thank you for the memories that are still to come. We are not finished; this is not the end for us, only a new and slightly painful beginning. And so now here it is, the moment we have dreaded and dreaded to wait for:
Goodbye, I love you, and I will see you soon.
I tried to fix this. I wrapped you up like an ornament in bubble wrap, trying to protect you but instead, without realising, I smothered you. I tried to fix this. I locked your trembling fingers in mine, trying to give you the strength to continue but instead, without realising, I dragged you down. I tried to fix this. I whispered lullabies in your ear like a mother would for her child, trying to soothe your forever racing heart but instead, without realising, I kept your eyes pinned open at night. I tried to fix this. I told you on loop that it would all be okay, okay, okay. I wanted to fix this but instead, without realising, I was trying to fix YOU. But you didn't need fixing. I was the broken one, trying so hard to cling onto something whole.