ONE DAY I’LL KNOW
Empty bottles under my bed
Listening to the lies in my head
That tell me I need more
It’s 3pm, I wake up passed out on someone’s floor
Existing feels like a drag, my eyes are bloodshot and they sag
I reach for the miniature ziploc bag
Breathing in more debauchery
I traded my morals for flattery
Hungry for attention
I look to strangers for affection
They happily return it for my penance
As I interlock with their essence
For eternity and beyond
We form an inseparable bond
That exists only within me
My body is all that they see
And the only thing I’ll let them into
My heart is impossible to get to
To the point that I myself have lost it
My character is incomplete and split
Between a version of me that cares,
One that impersonates, and one that scares
Even me, myself, and I
Every time I look myself in the eye
I see empty hollows
And hear a voice that follows
Whispering in my ear, “everyone you love has left you, the ones that remain only do so because they pity you, but they stay far away because they don’t want to deal with you.”
I recognize the voice that speaks as my conscience, which I’ve been ignoring
Likely because I find my life utterly boring
And I’m feeling crazy because I just want to talk to you
But you haven’t replied and I don’t know what to do
So I wait for my phone to ring all day
Praying to God that maybe you’ll stay
Or if you don’t, at least you’ll give me a good reason
One that isn’t wrapped in lies and drizzled with treason
But honestly, I wouldn’t blame you
Everybody leaves, this is the only thing I know to be true
All my friends have disowned me
Moved on, met new people, made better memories
I listen as they tell their stories
And I’m always the odd one out
Consumed with regret and doubt
That maybe if I could stay sober things would be different
Maybe if I could control myself I’d be indifferent
Maybe if I wasn’t such a liar my family would trust me
But after last year they tip-toe around me
After my days being hospitalized
And weeks spent institutionalized
My sister confided to me that she thinks I’m a little insane
All anyone can do is wait for my next hurricane
Where I’ll drown in my own rage
Where my vanity will take center stage
And I’ll end up in rehab again
Addicted to prescriptions again
The longest I’ve managed is 75 days clean
But I am a machine that thrives on gasoline,
long trips, and bong rips
I love it when my mind slips
From this plane into the eternal
Where I see everything external
Outside of my bones
I witness the dancing of the stones
And the singing of the colors
The world, a collision of a million watercolors
Pulsing and breathing in a way that is unseen to the controlled mind
Undiscovered to eyes that are blind
That’s why I refuse to be restrained
My soul will not be contained
Inside this human cage
I have come of age
Or so I thought while I had acid coursing through my blood
Destroying barriers like a flood
But now I’m back to a limited sensibility
Recounting the ways I’ve been a liability
To myself, my friends and family
A pestering voice reminds me, I’ll do it again happily
For I change far more swiftly than I can even comprehend
That’s why I’ve reached a dead end
I can’t decide on the person I want to be
Who I am on the inside is so much different than the person that you see
I began building on sand, forsook my foundation
I’m still trying to understand moderation
And oftentimes I choose wrong
I’ve been on this road too long
Maybe it’s time to turn around
Go home, where I’ll be safe, sound
But sparkling bodies keep pulling me in a direction I should not go
One step at a time, something tells me one day I’ll know
What to do, how to behave
How to kick away every substance I crave
How to be someone my parents are proud to have as their daughter
Until then I’ll keep filling my glass with clear liquid that resembles but doesn’t taste like water.
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MATRIX MACHINE DREAM
Yellow bricks line rocky roads to nowhere.
Windowless rooms are filled with strangers who breathe stale air,
Who swear and dare and overshare forbidden fruits while they labor in vain, each with nothing to lose or gain.
Mistakes made on their own, colorful pills and bankruptcy bills, and beguiling boys that they’ve blown.
Staples and stitches they’ve needed sewn,
Due to regulations, restrictions, and rules outgrown.
Thinking themselves immortal giants towering over mango sunrises
Munching on Molly’s masterpieces and surprises.
Plastic dimensions built with artificial inventions,
Force feed egos and collapse interventions.
Alas, we sit in silence, lulled to sleep by machines
Not comprehending the gravity of what this life means.
Awaking hourly from night terrors,
That forecast misdeeds and foretell of future errors.
Manifesting, making them real.
Sharing with enemies seals the deal that the knife in your back is just the tip of the ice cap
They plan to burn the map before choking you out in their trap.
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