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translucentenvelope · 2 months

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Fatigue Can Shatter a Person

Everyday tiredness is nothing like the depleting symptom that people with long COVID and ME/CFS experience.

By Ed Yong

Alexis Misko’s health has improved enough that, once a month, she can leave her house for a few hours. First, she needs to build up her energy by lying in a dark room for the better part of two days, doing little more than listening to audiobooks. Then she needs a driver, a quiet destination where she can lie down, and days of rest to recover afterward. The brief outdoor joy “never quite feels like enough,” she told me, but it’s so much more than what she managed in her first year of long COVID, when she couldn’t sit upright for more than an hour or stand for more than 10 minutes. Now, at least, she can watch TV on the same day she takes a shower.

In her previous life, she pulled all-nighters in graduate school and rough shifts at her hospital as an occupational therapist; she went for long runs and sagged after long flights. None of that compares with what she has endured since getting COVID-19 almost three years ago. The fatigue she now feels is “like a complete depletion of the essence of who you are, of your life force,” she told me in an email.

Fatigue is among the most common and most disabling of long COVID’s symptoms, and a signature of similar chronic illnesses such as myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome or ME/CFS). But in these diseases, fatigue is so distinct from everyday weariness that most of the people I have talked with were unprepared for how severe, multifaceted, and persistent it can be.

For a start, this fatigue isn’t really a single symptom; it has many faces. It can weigh the body down: Lisa Geiszler likens it to “wearing a lead exoskeleton on a planet with extremely high gravity, while being riddled with severe arthritis.” It can rev the body up: Many fatigued people feel “wired and tired,” paradoxically in fight-or-flight mode despite being utterly depleted. It can be cognitive: Thoughts become sluggish, incoherent, and sometimes painful—like “there’s steel wool stuck in my frontal lobe,” Gwynn Dujardin, a literary historian with ME, told me.

Fatigue turns the most mundane of tasks into an “agonizing cost-benefit analysis,” Misko said. If you do laundry, how long will you need to rest to later make a meal? If you drink water, will you be able to reach the toilet? Only a quarter of long-haulers have symptoms that severely limit their daily activities, but even those with “moderate” cases are profoundly limited. Julia Moore Vogel, a program director at Scripps Research, still works, but washing her hair, she told me, leaves her as exhausted as the long-distance runs she used to do.

And though normal fatigue is temporary and amenable to agency—even after a marathon, you can will yourself into a shower, and you’ll feel better after sleeping—rest often fails to cure the fatigue of long COVID or ME/CFS. “I wake up fatigued,” Letícia Soares, who has long COVID, told me.

Between long COVID, ME/CFS, and other energy-limiting chronic illnesses, millions of people in the U.S. alone experience debilitating fatigue. But American society tends to equate inactivity with immorality, and productivity with worth. Faced with a condition that simply doesn’t allow people to move—even one whose deficits can be measured and explained—many doctors and loved ones default to disbelief. When Soares tells others about her illness, they usually say, “Oh, yeah, I’m tired too.” When she was bedbound for days, people told her, “I need a weekend like that.” Soares’s problems are very real, and although researchers have started to figure out why so many people like her are suffering, they don’t yet know how to stop it.

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Fatigue creates a background hum of disability, but it can be punctuated by worse percussive episodes that strip long-haulers of even the small amounts of energy they normally have.

Daria Oller is a physiotherapist and athletic trainer, so when she got COVID in March 2020, she naturally tried exercising her way to better health. And she couldn’t understand why, after just short runs, her fatigue, brain fog, chest pain, and other symptoms would flare up dramatically—to the point where she could barely move or speak. These crashes contradicted everything she had learned during her training. Only after talking with physiotherapists with ME/CFS did she realize that this phenomenon has a name: post-exertional malaise.

Post-exertional malaise, or PEM, is the defining trait of ME/CFS and a common feature of long COVID. It is often portrayed as an extreme form of fatigue, but it is more correctly understood as a physiological state in which all existing symptoms burn more fiercely and new ones ignite. Beyond fatigue, people who get PEM might also feel intense radiant pain, an inflammatory burning feeling, or gastrointestinal and cognitive problems: “You feel poisoned, flu-ish, concussed,” Misko said. And where fatigue usually sets in right after exertion, PEM might strike hours or days later, and with disproportionate ferocity. Even gentle physical or mental effort might lay people out for days, weeks, months. Visiting a doctor can precipitate a crash, and so can filling out applications for disability benefits—or sensing bright lights and loud sounds, regulating body temperature on hot days, or coping with stress. And if in fatigue your batteries feel drained, in PEM they’re missing entirely. It’s the annihilation of possibility: Most people experience the desperation of being unable to move only in nightmares, Dujardin told me. “PEM is like that, but much more painful.”

Medical professionals generally don’t learn about PEM during their training. Many people doubt its existence because it is so unlike anything that healthy people endure. Mary Dimmock told me that she understood what it meant only when she saw her son, Matthew, who has ME/CFS, crash in front of her eyes. “He just melted,” Dimmock said. But most people never see such damage because PEM hides those in the midst of it from public view. And because it usually occurs after a delay, people who experience PEM might appear well to friends and colleagues who then don’t witness the exorbitant price they later pay.

That price is both real and measurable. In cardiopulmonary exercise tests, or CPETs, patients use treadmills or exercise bikes while doctors record their oxygen consumption, blood pressure, and heart rate. Betsy Keller, an exercise physiologist at Ithaca College, told me that most people can repeat their performance if retested one day later, even if they have heart disease or are deconditioned by inactivity. People who get PEM cannot. Their results are so different the second time around that when Keller first tested someone with ME/CFS in 2003, “I told my colleagues that our equipment was out of calibration,” she said. But she and others have seen the same pattern in hundreds of ME/CFS and long-COVID patients—“objective findings that can’t be explained by anything psychological,” David Systrom, a pulmonologist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital, told me. “Many patients are told it’s all in their head, but this belies that in spades.” Still, many insurers refuse to pay for a second test, and many patients cannot do two CPETs (or even one) without seriously risking their health. And “20 years later, I still have physicians who refute and ignore the objective data,” Keller said. (Some long-COVID studies have ignored PEM entirely or bundled it together with fatigue.)

Oller thinks this dismissal arises because PEM inverts the dogma that exercise is good for you—an adage that, for most other illnesses, is correct. “It’s not easy to change what you’ve been doing your whole career, even when I tell someone that they might be harming their patients,” she said. Indeed, many long-haulers get worse because they don’t get enough rest in their first weeks of illness, or try to exercise through their symptoms on doctors’ orders.

People with PEM are also frequently misdiagnosed. They’re told that they’re deconditioned from being too sedentary, when their inactivity is the result of frequent crashes, not the cause. They’re told that they’re depressed and unmotivated, when they are usually desperate to move and either physically incapable of doing so or using restraint to avoid crashing. Oller is part of a support group of 1,500 endurance athletes with long COVID who are well used to running, swimming, and biking through pain and tiredness. “Why would we all just stop?” she asked.

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Some patients with energy-limiting illnesses argue that the names of their diseases and symptoms make them easier to discredit. Fatigue invites people to minimize severe depletion as everyday tiredness. Chronic fatigue syndromecollapses a wide-ranging disabling condition into a single symptom that is easy to trivialize. These complaints are valid, but the problem runs deeper than any name.

Dujardin, the English professor who is (very slowly) writing a cultural history of fatigue, thinks that our concept of it has been impoverished by centuries of reductionism. As the study of medicine slowly fractured into anatomical specialties, it lost an overarching sense of the systems that contribute to human energy, or its absence. The concept of energy was (and still is) central to animistic philosophies, and though once core to the Western world too, it is now culturally associated with quackery and pseudoscience. “There are vials of ‘energy boosters’ by every cash register in the U.S.,” Dujardin said, but when the NIH convened a conference on the biology of fatigue in 2021, “specialists kept observing that no standard definition exists for fatigue, and everyone was working from different ideas of human energy.” These terms have become so unhelpfully unspecific that our concept of “fatigue” can encompass a wide array of states including PEM and idleness, and can be heavily influenced by social forces—in particular the desire to exploit the energy of others.

As the historian Emily K. Abel notes in Sick and Tired: An Intimate History of Fatigue, many studies of everyday fatigue at the turn of the 20th century focused on the weariness of manual laborers, and were done to find ways to make those workers more productive. During this period, fatigue was recast from a physiological limit that employers must work around into a psychological failure that individuals must work against. “Present-day society stigmatizes those who don’t Push through; keep at it; show grit,” Dujardin said, and for the sin of subverting those norms, long-haulers “are not just disbelieved but treated openly with contempt.” Fatigue is “profoundly anti-capitalistic,” Jaime Seltzer, the director of scientific and medical outreach at the advocacy group MEAction, told me.

Energy-limiting illnesses also disproportionately affect women, who have long been portrayed as prone to idleness. Dujardin notes that in Western epics, women such as Circe and Dido were perceived harshly for averting questing heroes such as Odysseus and Aeneas with the temptation of rest. Later, the onset of industrialization turned women instead into emblems of homebound idleness while men labored in public. As shirking work became a moral failure, it also remained a feminine one.

These attitudes were evident in the ways in which two successive U.S. presidents dealt with COVID. Donald Trump, who always evinced a caricature of masculine strength and chastised rivals for being “low energy,” framed his recovery from the coronavirus as an act of domination. Joe Biden was less bombastic, but he still conspicuously assured the public that he was working through his COVID infection while his administration prioritized policies that got people back to work. Neither man spoke of the possibility of disabling fatigue or the need for rest.

Medicine, too, absorbs society’s stigmas around fatigue, even in selecting those who get to join its ranks. Its famously grueling training programs exclude (among others) most people with energy-limiting illnesses, while valorizing the ability to function when severely depleted. This, together with the tendency to psychologize women’s pain, helps to explain why so many long-haulers—even those with medical qualifications, like Misko and Oller—are treated so badly by the professionals they see for care. When Dujardin first sought medical help for her ME/CFS symptoms, the same doctor who had treated her well for a decade suddenly became stiff and suspicious, she told me, reduced all of her detailed descriptions to “tiredness,” and left the room without offering diagnosis or treatment. There is so much cultural pressure to never stop that many people can’t accept that their patients or peers might be biologically forced to do so.

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No grand unified theory explains everything about long COVID and ME/CFS, but neither are these diseases total mysteries. In fact, plenty of evidence exists for at least two pathways that explain why people with these conditions could be so limited in energy.

First, most people with energy-limiting chronic illnesses have problems with their autonomic nervous system, which governs heartbeat, breathing, sleep, hormone release, and other bodily functions that we don’t consciously control. When this system is disrupted—a condition called “dysautonomia”—hormones such as adrenaline might be released at inappropriate moments, leading to the wired-but-tired feeling. People might suddenly feel sleepy, as if they’re shutting down. Blood vessels might not expand in moments of need, depriving active muscles and organs of oxygen and fuel; those organs might include the brain, leading to cognitive dysfunction such as brain fog.

Second, many people with long COVID and ME/CFS have problems generating energy. When viruses invade the body, the immune system counterattacks, triggering a state of inflammation. Both infection and inflammation can damage the mitochondria—the bean-shaped batteries that power our cells. Malfunctioning mitochondria produce violent chemicals called “reactive oxygen species” (ROS) that inflict even more cellular damage. Inflammation also triggers a metabolic switch toward fast but inefficient ways of making energy, depleting cells of fuel and riddling them with lactic acid. These changes collectively explain the pervasive, dead-battery flavor of fatigue, as “the body struggles to generate energy,” Bindu Paul, a pharmacologist and neuroscientist at Johns Hopkins, told me. They might also explain the burning, poisoned feelings that patients experience as their cells fill with lactic acid and ROS.

These two pathways—autonomic and metabolic—might also account for PEM. Normally, the autonomic nervous system smoothly dials up to an intense fight-and-flight mode and down to a calmer rest-and-digest one. But “in dysautonomia, the dial becomes a switch,” David Putrino, a neuroscientist and rehabilitation specialist at Mount Sinai, told me. “You go from sitting to standing, and your body thinks, Oh, are we going hunting? You stop, and your body shuts down.” The exhaustion of these dramatic, unstable flip-flops is made worse by the ongoing metabolic maelstrom. Damaged mitochondria, destructive ROS, inefficient metabolism, and chronic inflammation all compound one another in a vicious cycle that, if it becomes sufficiently intense, could manifest as a PEM crash. “No one is absolutely certain about what causes PEM,” Seltzer told me, but it makes sense that “you have this big metabolic shift and your nervous system can’t get back on an even keel.” And if people push through, deepening the metabolic demands on a body that already can’t meet them, the cycle can spin even faster, “leading to progressive disability,” Putrino said.

Other factors might also be at play. Compared with healthy people, those with long COVID and ME/CFS have differences in the size, structure, or function of brain regions including the thalamus, which relays motor signals and regulates consciousness, and the basal ganglia, which controls movement and has been implicated in fatigue. Long-haulers also have problems with blood vessels, red blood cells, and clotting, all of which might further stanch their flows of blood, oxygen, and nutrients. “I’ve tested so many of these people over the years, and we see over and over again that when the systems start to fail, they all fail in the same way,” Keller said. Together, these woes explain why long COVID and ME/CFS have such bewilderingly varied symptoms. That diversity fuels disbelief—how could one disease cause all of this?—but it’s exactly what you’d expect if things as fundamental as metabolism go awry.

Long-haulers might not know the biochemical specifics of their symptoms, but they are uncannily good at capturing those underpinnings through metaphor. People experiencing autonomic blood-flow problems might complain about feeling “drained,” and that’s literally happening: In POTS, a form of dysautonomia, blood pools in the lower body when people stand. People experiencing metabolic problems often use dead-battery analogies, and indeed, their cellular batteries—the mitochondria—are being damaged: “It really feels like something is going wrong at the cellular level,” Oller told me. Attentive doctors can find important clues about the basis of their patients’ illness hiding amid descriptions that are often billed as “exaggerated or melodramatic,” Dujardin said.

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Some COVID long-haulers do recover. But several studies have found that, so far, most don’t fully return to their previous baseline, and many who become severely ill stay that way. This pool of persistently sick people is now mired in the same neglect that has long plagued those who suffer from illnesses such as ME/CFS. Research into such conditions is grossly underfunded, so no cures exist. Very few doctors in the U.S. know how to treat these conditions, and many are nearing retirement, so patients struggle to find care. Long-COVID clinics exist but vary in quality: Some know nothing about other energy-limiting illnesses, and still prescribe potentially harmful and officially discouraged treatments such as exercise. Clinicians who better understand these illnesses know that caution is crucial. When Putrino works with long-haulers to recondition their autonomic nervous system, he always starts as gently as possible to avoid triggering PEM. Such work “isn’t easy and isn’t fast,” he said, and it usually means stabilizing people instead of curing them.

Stability can be life-changing, especially when it involves changes that patients can keep up at home. Over-the-counter supplements such as coenzyme Q10, which is used by mitochondria to generate energy and is depleted in ME/CFS patients, can reduce fatigue. Anti-inflammatory medications such as low-dose naltrexone may have some promise. Sleep hygiene may not cure fatigue, but it certainly makes it less debilitating. Dietary changes can help, but the right ones might be counterintuitive: High-fiber foods take more energy to digest, and some long-haulers get PEM episodes after eating meals that seem healthy. And the most important part of this portfolio is “pacing”—a strategy for carefully keeping your activity levels beneath the threshold that causes debilitating crashes.

Pacing is more challenging than it sounds. Practitioners can’t rely on fixed routines; instead, they must learn to gauge their fluctuating energy levels in real time while becoming acutely aware of their PEM triggers. Some turn to wearable technology such as heart-rate monitors, and more than 30,000 are testing a patient-designed app called Visible to help spot patterns in their illness. Such data are useful, but the difference between rest and PEM might be just 10 or 20 extra heartbeats a minute—a narrow crevice into which long-haulers must squeeze their life. Doing so can be frustrating, because pacing isn’t a recovery tactic; it’s mostly a way of not getting worse, which makes its value harder to appreciate. Its physical benefits come at mental costs: Walks, workouts, socializing, and “all the things I’d do for mental health before were huge energy sinks,” Vogel told me. And without financial stability or social support, many long-haulers must work, parent, and care for themselves even knowing that they’ll suffer later. “It’s impossible not to overdo it, because life is life,” Vogel said.

“Our society is not set up for pacing,” Oller added. Long-haulers must resist the enormous cultural pressure to prove their worth by pushing as hard as they can. They must tolerate being chastised for trying to avert a crash, and being disbelieved if they fail. “One of the most insulting things people can say is ‘Fight your illness,’” Misko said. That would be much easier for her: “It takes so much self-control and strength to do less, to be less, to shrink your life down to one or two small things from which you try to extract joy in order to survive.” For her and many others, rest has become both a medical necessity and a radical act of defiance—one that, in itself, is exhausting.

Ed Yong is a former staff writer at The Atlantic. He won the Pulitzer Prize for Explanatory Reporting for his coverage of the COVID-19 pandemic.

#words #articles #mecfs

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cinnamonest · 3 years

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Y’all are too nice to me I swear… here I am being horny and nasty on main and I’m getting encouraged, damn. But for real ( ´ ω ` ) thank you so much!!

I’m gaining more confidence to post more smutty stuff and the kind of dark shit I like, so I might go back and make more nasty Childe content later on too… After Albedo, I got Razor and Zhongli coming up, and a few ones I just worked on for fun. But yeah, just in case it wasn’t clear for anyone who followed me, I’m going to be writing almost entirely dark content and some really nasty stuff, so just be aware of that, and don’t consume my writing if that’s something that may be harmful to you.

Albedo is so pretty… and such good dark content material… He treats you like a science experiment but has the audacity to make it hot smh

I haven’t seen a whole lot of him outside the cutscenes, so potentially ooc (as if yandere content isn’t already ooc, lmao)

Albedo - Yandere Profile

tw: general yandere content, obsessive behavior, stalking

tw (below cut): smut, noncon (seriously, you’ve been warned)

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Very much aware. In the beginning, it frustrates him. He’s never been particularly attached to anyone, outside of his former instructor. He’s always enjoyed being out on his own, spending extended amounts of time by himself – the desire to be around someone is a foreign feeling for him. He immediately notices how bizarre the emotion is for him, how it changes his behaviors. His self awareness combined with perceptiveness makes him able to acutely recognize not only how unusual this emotion is for him, but also how the extent of his feelings, the types of desires they ignite in him, is unusual even for “normal” people who aren’t social recluses.

He’s frustrated by his own actions, feels embarrassed at how attached he is to you, how easily you make him flustered and trip over his words. As he is a very aware yandere, he’s definitely afraid of rejection to some degree. He has no idea how to navigate feelings and interactions with other people, he’s never really had the desire to form a particularly strong bond with anyone before. As such, he’ll come across as very awkward, and he will interact with you less than most yanderes – he knows he’s just going to embarrass himself if he talks to you, right? He’ll just mess up and say something strange, so instead, he opts to watch you from the shadows, go to places where you are, but keep a distance from you, just being able to watch you makes him feel fluttery and overwhelmed.

He will definitely be one to collect things from you. He collects plenty of things for the sake of science, this is no different. Or so he tries to tell himself, but he can’t delude himself even if he tries. He knows its weird, he knows its wrong, but the overwhelming urge to have things of yours is too great to resist. He’ll start off with more innocent things, but it will gradually progress to not-so-innocent… items of yours.

It may not be obvious, but he’s actually a fairly sensitive person, at least regarding you. He places a lot of value in what you think of him, and wants to ensure you’ll respond positively to him. He views it like a science – there should be some formula by which he can put in the correct actions, and produce a specific result. Unfortunately, unlike real science, there’s not much room for trial and error – he feels he only has once chance.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It will take some time, as he’s got to get over his own nerves first. He’s torn between the fear of you hating him for such a thing, it would be the end of the world for him, but also the desire to pull you away from the world, to keep you hidden from others, to have you all to himself, to be the only person that gets to look at you. If you start showing positive signs, reacting positively to his gifts, expressing interest in conversation with him and going out of your way to see him, he’ll start to get more confident, think that he can afford to do something that might sour your opinion of him, hoping it will merely be temporary.

He’ll probably start to do so several times and back out. He’ll set out at night, make it all the way to your room and stand over your sleeping form, and he’ll start to worry, wonder if someone saw him, see holes in his plans, he gets too nervous and bolts. He’ll persuade you into being alone with him, and although its the chance he’s looking for, again, he’ll get nervous, worry about being caught, run through all the what-ifs, and miss the chance. Honestly, when he does finally take you, it will probably be not planned, but in the heat of the moment, a rash decision from desperation. Something like you coming to visit him to tell him you’re leaving the area, came to say goodbye, and he’ll panic, ultimately grabbing you by the arm as you try to leave and dragging you back inside, silently, but forcefully.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Moderately difficult. Your best bet is to take advantage of his tendency to be absent minded when he’s absorbed in his work. He gets very lost in his thoughts, to a point where he’ll completely zone out and be oblivious to the world around him. On the downside, this means you won’t have much time to cover distance, he’ll be close behind the moment he realizes you’re gone.

The route he’ll probably take is actually one where you won’t need to be too restrained, because you’ll be taking… a little research trip. Out to the most freezing, desolate areas of the mountains. He’s convinced the knights he needs to stay there for his research, but in reality, he’s internally panicking, as he tries to figure out how to make this work – after all, you two can’t stay here forever. You’d be foolish to run out of the little cabin he’s bought, out into the perilous freezing cold and jagged, high slopes. At first, he thinks there’s no way you’d try it, so he’s content letting you have free reign to walk around as you please. If he has to leave for whatever reason, he’ll probably lock you into a single room, but he won’t chain you up, as again, he's really trying to avoid making you hate him.

If you prove to be determined to leave, he’ll be hurt, but mostly concerned for you. He’s actually not one to get too mad over an escape attempt – he’ll blame himself, or theorize it’s just a natural response your brain triggered. Against his first choice, he’ll end up having to get more strict with your restraints. If you get too whiny, though… you might trigger one of his more frustrated moments.

“I didn’t want to have to do this… I’m sorry. I can’t risk anything bad happening to you. Tell me if it’s too tight… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t blame you. I know you’re probably panicking over all this, but you’ll get adjusted to it, I promise. Just… just give it some time… it’s not so bad, living with me, I promise.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re only tied up because you tried to leave. You should understand why you have to be kept like this… If you don’t want to be restrained, you shouldn’t have run out, trying to get yourself killed.”

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

For all his academic intelligence, he’s not highly skilled with people and socialization. He’s not too good at being able to tell when he’s being lied to, and he definitely won’t pick up on subtle manipulation. It’ll be pretty easy to wrap him around your finger, he’ll do what he can to make you happy.

Once he finds out you’ve lied to him, though, he’ll get pretty upset. He likely won’t trust you again, and will require proof of anything you say, or set out to find out if you’re telling him the truth or not.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He’ll try to accommodate you, giving you things you ask for, but he has limits. He’s too paranoid to let you have any contact with the outside world. You do have him wrapped around your finger to an extent, though. Whatever he’s doing at the moment, he’ll drop it in a heartbeat if you want to spend time with him in any way, even if its just you asking for food or to take a walk. He’ll be willing to take you for very short trips outside, no further than a few yards from the lodging, if only because he knows sunlight is vital to your health.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

The basics will be there – don’t try to leave, don’t be difficult with him, try to cooperate, be obedient. However, he’s also particularly overprotective of anything that can hurt you – even yourself. Under no circumstances can you handle anything that can hurt you – that means no cooking, no knives, no lifting anything heavy, no going outside without him. If you’re determined to cook something, he’ll have to stand right behind you, and watch while you do it. If you get so much as a little cut or burn, he’ll take over, insisting you go sit down after he tends to your “wounds.”

At the very beginning, he’ll be hesitant to punish you too much, as part of his plan to get you to like him. However, he can be a little easily frustrated, and your safety and well-being comes first, even if it means he has to make you upset. He will have to restrain you, take away what little privileges you had. If you try to bolt while you’re outside, no more going outside. If you try something foolish like attacking him with a knife when he gives you cooking privileges, you will lose said privileges. Really, the worst part of it all is the humiliation, being treated like a dumb, incapable baby that can’t do anything for yourself. He insists on doing everything for you, even down to bathing you and dressing you, even feeding you if you can’t convince him to take restraints off your hands. He’ll talk down to you in that way, too, talking to you as if you were a child.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

It’s a situation he’s not prepared to handle, and he’s unsure of what to do. It strikes fear in him that you might have someone else interested, so he has to get rid of them as quickly as possible. He’s not opposed to killing, if it comes down to that, but initially, he’ll try to work behind the scenes – expose something that will ruin their reputation, get them accused of a crime. This would also be one of the possible aforementioned situations that might cause him to kidnap you a bit earlier than he normally would, as well. If he can’t get rid of them easily, he’ll just take you away from them.

He will absolutely try to make you hate them, try to ruin your image of them, and he’s rather good at falsifying evidence for his claims of their behavior. With his alchemic skills, that sort of thing is easily possible.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

He gets more frustrated than anything, when you’re being difficult. This is mostly just him sighing quite a bit, speaking a bit harshly, even pouting and sulking a bit if you’ve offended him. But true anger in him is not pretty, and almost never happens. It’s a buildup, a slow rise that has a boiling point. If he reaches that point, he can definitely get mad enough to hurt you, it’s actually kind of terrifying in how sharp of a contrast it is to how he normally is. It’s a side of him that’s very difficult to draw out. He’s not one to yell or shout, no, his anger is a suffocating silence, he slams down whatever he’s holding as he stomps over to you, grabbing you by the arms hard enough to bruise, and dragging you by the hair to whatever he has planned.

With mild frustration outbursts, he will feel justified, but if it reaches that intense anger, he’ll usually give at least a little apology, tell you he didn’t mean to go that far. He hates to think of you fearing him, but ultimately, if that’s what’s necessary to keep you safe, then he can live with it.

Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

It’s an odd mix. On one hand, he sees you as utterly fascinating, the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on, more than any landscape or art he’s seen or made, an invaluable treasure to be kept on a high pedestal. Simultaneously, however, he will treat you like a child, thinks you can’t do anything for yourself. It’s a bizarre duality, but one he is consistent on. You’re precious, so very precious, and he’s undeserving of you, but at the same time, you need him to be safe and sound.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

Of the genshin boys, he’s one of the most determined. He’s not good with people, and he doesn’t really have anyone particularly close to him left anymore. He tends to keep people at a distance. You sort of fill an space inside him that he never knew was empty, a void he wasn’t aware he had until it was consumed by thoughts of you. He doesn’t need anyone or anything else, so long as he has you with him, but he really, really wants it to be true that you love him. He doesn’t need you to even love him as much as he loves you – he doesn’t even know if that’s possible – but he just wants to know that, even if only in the slightest, his feelings are returned. He’s so distant from everyone else, but you wormed your way into his heart, even if you didn’t intend to, with your smiles and softness and kindness towards him. For the first time, he feels weak around someone, but in a way, it’s a good feeling. He wants to be able to be vulnerable, be weak, and not have anything to fear by doing so.

He’s lucid, though, so he doesn’t expect you to love him immediately. As he’s not good with words or displays of affection, he’ll get you all sorts of gifts. Rare items that you wonder how the hell he obtained them, beautifully crafted little trinkets from all his searching and time traveling, more clothes than you could ever wear. You’ll start to feel a little guilty, it’s so much, and you’re certain he doesn’t have that much money. He’ll blow it off, say it’s no big deal, but if you insist, he’ll have to start finding new ways to convey his affection. In captivity, he won’t stop trying, but he’ll understand why you might be angry. In that case, he will utilize what he’s learned from research in books he’s read. He knows that eventually, with him being the only one you have, the only company, the only one to talk to, the only source of touch, you’ll eventually have to cave. You’ll become attached to him, bond with him, whether you like it or not. He knows how powerful the affect of touch can be, and will make sure to hold you in his arms, keep you on his lap, make you crave the only source of human touch you can get. Dependency, he thinks, is the gateway to you loving him.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Drawings. So many of them. Much like his drawings he uses in notes, he’s found he tends to start scribbling a familiar face when his mind drifts off. He’s memorized every little detail of your face, every curve on your body. If you’re ever snooping around, you’ll eventually uncover a book of sketches he has solely dedicated to drawings of you. Drawings of you laughing, smiling, sleeping, drawings that you’re certain were of real events you were at, that you didn’t remember him being at. Every bit in perfect detail. If you confront him about it, he’ll be horrifically embarrassed, insisting they’re no good, or, if you’re upset, trying to reassure you it was all from his mind and totally not him lurking in the shadows as he watches you.

Also, if you want to make him happy, get him on one of his spiels about his work, his interests, anything that he can catch onto and go on and on about. He’ll catch himself rambling and apologize for being “annoying,” but if you reassure him, and express interest, that will make him feel particularly appreciated. It would be a primary way to get on his good side and manipulate him, or lull him into false security to make your escape, if that’s what you’re looking to do. But be warned, it will only work once, and he’ll be far too hurt to let himself indulge in sharing these things with you again.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Publicly, definitely highly reserved. He’s easily flustered, and thinks of sex in a very scientific way, for the purpose of procreation. For fun? He knows it’s enjoyable, but can’t separate it from his very analytic, scientific way of viewing things. It’s a formula, you touch this here and pull that there, and the result is supposed to be orgasmic bliss. He just isn’t very familiar with pleasure – he doesn’t drag out masturbation, even, as that would be a waste of time. He gets it over with quickly, taking short breaks during his work. He is a fairly high drive, though, and gets the urge fairly frequently, about once or twice a day.

He’ll be hornier with your presence, having to leave more frequently to get off to the little things you do, quickly getting himself off while recalling the mental image of you holding a pen in your mouth, the little moan when you stretch, the way your clothes fit to your frame.

Prior to abduction, he’s not particularly touchy at all, in fact, he’s very jumpy if you touch him. Once he’s gotten you alone with him for the foreseeable future, isolated, dependent, he’ll gain more confidence, be willing to give into his cravings to touch you, hold you, eventually progressing to groping you, moving his hands up and down your body, under your clothes, slowly peeling them off.

He’s initially a bit ashamed of his urges towards you, feels guilty every time he gets off to you, but will likewise gain more confidence once you're his.

A guy can only fight off the urge for so long before he cracks, before he can’t continue to care about the consequences. For him, that point is when he knows he finally has you all to himself – his worries fade, and while the guilt is still there, it’s far outweighed by desire.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He does care, but as stated previously, it’s hard to fight the urge for so long. It will be torture, but for the first few days, he wants you to “adjust” to your new “home,” and not add to your panic. After that, though, he’ll try to assess your reactions. If you’re extremely resistant, he’ll give you more “adjustment” time. He can’t really hold off forever, though, and eventually, maybe a few weeks in, comes to the conclusion that if he just does what he wants, so long as he’s gentle and reminds you he loves you, it will help you get past the mental barrier in your mind. He’s convinced there’s simply a psychological issue, and that sometimes, people need a push. It’s like having a friend who can’t swim – sometimes, you just have to throw them into the water, help them get over that mental hurdle, and they’ll be grateful in the end. That’s what he tells himself to justify it, anyway. He has enough… anatomical prerequisite knowledge to know what’s good and what’s bad, and will take your body’s positive reactions as a sign of what you really want. Is definitely the kind to use that against you, holding up his fingers to your face after you cum on them, as if to prove a point.

“See? I told you, you just have to let go and give in to what you want… if you didn’t, my fingers wouldn’t be dripping like this, now would they?”

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

He wants to experiment on you. This manifests as him being something of a service top without really intending to be, even if you’re not exactly happy about it. He likes to watch your reactions, watch the way your body moves, test the pleasure you get from different things, discover what it is that you like, even if you weren’t aware of it. In particular, he’s fascinated by the fact that girls have so many types of orgasms. He’ll want to try them all, watch and see which ones are more intense than others, which ones make you convulse, makes your toes curl, your eyes roll back. Which erogenous zones make your breath hitch, make you twitch and whimper. Probably the type to be determined that he can make you cum just from something like sucking on your nipples, and he won’t stop until he achieves it. He’ll also want to try everything. At least anything that he thinks has some potential to appeal to him, mentally. He’s a busy man and hasn’t really taken the time to explore his own sexuality, and has virtually zero experience.

Edging, overstimulation, forced orgasms

Experimentation also means testing limits and thresholds. He’ll bring you up to the edge, learn to watch for the slightest of signs that you’re close, listen to your breath, watch your face, wait until you’re just so close and then draw back, stopping just short of letting you catch that high. Then he’ll let you drift back down, and bring you back up again. No amount of begging will make him show you any mercy, you’ll only cum when he’s decided he’s observed enough. He wants to push the limit, see just how close to the edge of orgasm you can get without spilling over, just how much it takes to drive you insane. He’ll also want to see how far you can go after it as well. Orgasm won’t be the end of his ministrations, no, he wants to see how much stimulation you can take. You won’t be able to get away from his tongue, he’ll grab you by the hips and slam you back down, continuing to lap at you even if you’re so sensitive it’s painful. Watching you cum will just make him rut into you harder, bruising and abusing your insides to a point that they’re so sore you can feel it long after it’s over. At first, he might feel a little guilty, and may very well after it’s over, but in the heat of the moment, he can’t fight the insatiable urge to listen to you squeal, feel you convulse, watch the tears from overwhelming pleasure run down your face.

He’ll make it his personal mission to see how many orgasms the female body is capable of within a given amount of time - per day, per hour, how quickly you can have them in succession. For scientific purposes, of course. Anatomy and human biology isn’t really his main field of focus, but he likes to expand his research horizons.

“Just one more… cum one more time for me, then we’ll be done. Come on… I know you can, just one more.”

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’s actually good with children, usually. He has a calming effect on kids. He isn’t sure how he feels, though. To some degree, he fears his capabilities to parent, thinks he would be too cold to be a good father. But he also likes the idea of a protege, an heir to his title, one he can teach everything he knows. If he does end up having one, this fucking nerd man will read every book on pregnancy, birthing, and parenting that he can get his hands on.

Also, he’ll absolutely be one to track your cycles, even better than you can. He’s researched enough to know exactly when you’re most or least likely to get pregnant, and you can’t help but notice how much more he seems to cum in you when you’re at your most fertile. Nor can he deny how satisfying it is to watch his cum slowly drip out of you, watching you twitch with aftershock and slowly drift off in exhaustion.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Unfortunately for you, since overstimulation and edging are already normal and everyday for you, he’ll have to amp it up a bit if he’s trying to make you regret something. He might get rougher, abusing more pleasure spots on your body, keeping his hands, mouth, and cock occupied all at once with driving you over the edge until it’s painful. But if you’re exceptionally misbehaved, you might not ever get a release to his edging, instead left to suffer from being so close, tied up so you can’t finish yourself off.

In moments when he’s really, truly angry, the peak of it, and that blends with arousal, he’ll really, really throatfuck you. Grabbing the back of your head and shoving his cock down as deep as he can, holding you there as you gag and choke, feeling your throat convulse around him, desperately trying to pull back for air. The movements are harsh and brutal, pulling harshly on your hair, moving at a pace so fast you barely have a second to breathe. Thankfully, when it gets like that, he won’t last long, emptying out into your throat, holding your jaw shut and demanding you swallow. If any spills off on your chin, he’ll gather it up on his fingers, hold it to your face, and command you to open your mouth, suck it off, and swallow again. That’s at the peak of his anger, though, and you’ll have to substantially piss him off to reach that point. He’ll apologize later, holding you close, but his guilt doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the most intense orgasms that he’ll have, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes think of doing it again, even without provocation. He’s restrained enough not to, but the thought is there… and deep down, he’ll entertain the idea.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

The curves of your body, no matter how defined or faint they are, no matter the general shape of your body, to him it’s the most beautiful thing. He’ll definitely want to draw you, even if you’re not too keen on posing. He’ll run his hands up and down your body, squeezing every little bit of flesh he can, moving his palms over every little curve, every inch of your skin.

#yandere x reader #yandere genshin impact #yandere albedo x reader #tw: extreme content #tw: noncon #yandere albedo

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astaroth1357 · 3 years

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My Protective Demon and Me: How to Live with Your Overly-Protective Hellspawn!

Intro:

So you've bagged yourself a demon, huh? Well, there are many great benefits to dating the otherworldly creatures of Hell, including increased power, longevity, and security! We can assure you that your demon boyfriend wants nothing more than to keep you safe, dear human, but this can be a new experience for the uninitiated. Never fear, because we have put together this guide to help you navigate the relationship you've just signed your soul into! My Protective Demon and Me is an instructional tool for your new demonic partnership, designed to introduce you to the protective tendencies of Seven Rulers of Hell. Listen to our advice, and you won't be left wondering why your boyfriend insists on carrying you down the stairs or loses his mind when you're injured by paper!

(Warnings: Possessive Behaviors, Implied PTSD, Yandere-ish)

Lucifer

Now, there's no kind way to say this, but Lucifer will think of you as small, weak, and helpless on most days. We promise it's not quite as insulting as it sounds because to him, that just makes you cuter.

Because he thinks you're so pathetic, he will want to provide for you in all sorts of ways. This includes security.

Lucifer's approach to keeping you safe is a little indirect, and it may sound a tad… invasive, but that's only because he's not able to be with you in person as often as he'd like.

He uses familiars spread across the Devildom to keep an eye on you during the day. Don't fret; these familiars aren't there to tell him about your every waking breath. Just monitor you and report back to him if something's amiss.

If there's an alert, he will drop everything to be sure that you're alright. The second he knows something's wrong, he'll be right with you within a minute, Diavolo be damned.

He may try to play it off as he just happened to be in the area if others are around, but in truth, he'd use magic to recall himself to your side.

Speaking of magic… Again, since he can't be with you as much as he wants, you may begin to notice your body getting stronger to a certain degree over your time with him. Is he secretly using magical means to strengthen your bones or make your skin harder to tear? He will never say, so best not ask.

Potential threats against you are dealt with discreetly, mostly under the guise of safeguarding the exchange program for Diavolo. No offenders will ever make it to the castle dungeon, though, as Lucifer tends to finish them off on sight... We recommend that you make yourself scarce during these times. Torture is such a nasty thing to witness...

Lucifer would like to believe that, in being with him, you're the safest that you could possibly be, but he always worries about what danger you're in while he's busy with work. A part of him blames his lack of vigilance over Lilith for her downfall, and he has strained to recover a sense of security over his loved ones ever since... Though he may come across as overbearing, just know he only watches you that closely because he couldn't bear to lose you.

Mammon

If you've won over Mammon's heart, then he's going to guard you as fiercely as a dragon does its treasure. But be warned because this can lead to confrontation...

Mammon will see himself as your bodyguard of sorts, so he'll try to be around you at all hours of the day. He'll start by making excuses like he needs study help, but after a while, he'll just hope you come to accept him as a constant fixture in your life and don't question his hovering.

He will stick very close to you in public, particularly when among other demons. He's the second strongest of his brothers, so this alone should deter most threats but don't be surprised if you see him scan the room you're in from time to time.

Take care not to hurt yourself around Mammon because he has yet to fully process how fragile the human body is. He may panic upon seeing you hurt (and he's not the most helpful when he's panicking…).

Should you get hurt when Mammon is near, you may see his protective instincts spike considerably. He will offer to carry heavy packages, refuse to let you handle sharp objects, and hold out a hand to steer you around tight corners.

Do not threat, this added level of attention is only temporary. Remind Mammon that accidents are a part of human life, and you can get yourself through them as the species normally does.

If someone actually tries to hurt you, we advise you to stay calm and focus on getting harmed as little as possible. Unfortunately, there will be no good way to talk Mammon out of fighting in your defense. It's best to focus on minimizing the damage to yourself and staying alive until help can be brought to you.

Mammon does this not to look down on you, but because he loves you so deeply, he's devastated any time he sees you hurt. Be patient with him, and he will learn to draw back his fear to a more appropriate level. Always know, though, that he worries about you constantly, so try not to give his demonic heart too many palpitations - yes?

Leviathan

Levi is in some ways more chill than his brothers, and in others far more extreme depending on the location you find yourselves in.

If you are in his room (which you will be a lot), then he will be very relaxed. As far as he's concerned, you are in his domain and thus perfectly safe. There's no need to worry about you getting hurt or stumbling upon any rivals.

If you are together in the outside world, however, he will be very on edge. You are the most important individual in his life, so any possibility of you leaving him by death or by choice is not acceptable.

He will try his damnedest to steer you away from large crowds or packed spaces because he will be terrified of losing you in the chaos. Being in any public place where he can't see you will drive his anxiety through the roof. His imagination is quite active, and his mind is always against him.

If you are with his brothers, then he will be particularly tense. He acknowledges both their capacity to drag you into dangerous shenanigans AND steal away your affections, neither of which are options he'd like to pursue.

He will rarely let you be alone with his brothers without express permission, and even then, he has likely shot a threat to them about minding your safety (and your relationship) beforehand. As he is third strongest, only Mammon and Lucifer would ignore his "requests" but only to a point. It's a terrible mess whenever he summons Lotan in the House…

If someone else hurts you retribution will be swift (and bordering on lethal) because he's far more worried about getting back to making sure you're alright. He won't have his Henry dying on his watch, after all.

If you happen to hurt yourself, expect him to stow you away in his room for even longer than usual. Your accidental demise is a recurring fear of his, so he will need a great deal of reassurance that you are still with him and not quite at death's door just yet (yes, even if you get a papercut).

Leviathan is so protective of you because he feels like he has the most to lose if you died/left. He interacts with so few people that having even one show him patience is a game-changer. He would have the hardest time moving on should your presence ever leave him, so protecting you is the best thing he can do to protect himself from that pain in the future.

Satan

Satan's protective nature is less overt than the others, but in many ways, it's more… intense.

He's more familiar than the others with the fragility of human bodies thanks to many years of casual study. Thus, he has bulked up his knowledge of your species in earnest to help keep you safe.

What we mean to say is, fear not, you're now dating a doctor. He may not have an M.D. to his name, but he's pretty damn close.

He will want to know about any slight inconvenience you may be experiencing, from a slight headache all the way to broken bones. He prefers to diagnose your problem quickly then use any combination of magic or medicine to heal your ailments. You will rarely struggle with ongoing discomfort again!

That being said, he can be quite pushy. There will be no, "I'll just sleep it off" with him. If it can be fixed, he will fix it. Your patience be damned.

If you somehow manage to hurt yourself… He will be disappointed, but he will not deny you assistance. He will lecture you if he sees you doing potentially reckless activities, though, because it's his (self-imposed) job to patch you up afterward.

It should really go without saying that most demons know better than to hurt someone he loves. He may not be the strongest of his brothers, but he is among the least merciful, and that does make a difference.

If, for whatever reason, one actually does manage to harm you, then you have an important choice to make. Do you allow him to act on his anger or be the one to show mercy when he will not? If you'd like to be charitable, please consult our helpful material, How to Calm Your Demon Boyfriend: Tame Demons, Save Lives.

At his core, Satan worries about his demonic side because he knows how easily his Wrath can take over. So he does his best to circumvent these destructive tendencies with nurturing ones. He may come off like a worrywart, but helping you is just as much an assurance to him as it is a service to you. He's not destined to hurt you. He can heal you instead.

Asmodeus

Asmo is a free-spirited individual who would like to afford you the same freedom that he enjoys… but he knows very well how fragile the human body is. He's had many human lovers over the years, so he's very familiar with your limitations.

However, he's also aware of how capable you can be despite your perceived weaknesses (he's been friends with Solomon for years, after all).

Unfortunately, this won't stop him from worrying about your safety entirely. It's nothing personal, we assure you. He simply wants to be sure the love of his life can be with him for as long as possible.

Asmo shows his protectiveness most when confronted. He's far more worried about some demonic lowlife taking advantage of you than he is you falling off a step ladder. He understands that accidents will happen and that most are ultimately harmless, but other people? They can do you far more harm.

Due to his disposition and rank, most demons won't take his claim to you seriously. This is to their folly. Though he may not be physically strong as his elder brothers or even Beel, what he lacks in raw power he makes up for in deception.

Like Mammon and Levi, Asmo will want to be close to you out in public, but he will come across as far more relaxed than those two. This is partly due to his more developed confidence and because it makes it easier for him to charm potential threats into leaving you alone. Things are taken care of quickly after that.

Should you get injured well… Asmo will not be much help for anything aside from getting you to someone who actually can. He'd likely panic worse than Mammon, so do your best to remain calm and assure him that you will be fine after a little assistance.

His treatment of you post-injury won't differ much from how it usually is, because again, he knows that when there's a human involved - it's bound to happen.

Asmo's fear of others, both tragically and ironically, stems from his sin itself. Though he always tries to champion his partners' consent, he knows more than anyone that others can let their Lust drive them mad... His worst nightmare is letting you fall victim to one of those monsters because, frankly, he wouldn't know what to do with himself if that ever were to happen.

Beelzebub

Beel is protection incarnate. This is something he's been doing long before you met and will likely continue to do until the end of his days. Protecting those he loves is in his nature.

That being said, this means is you are dating the equivalent of a demon-shaped Doberman Pinscher, loving and loyal to you and an absolute nightmare to your enemies.

Though he doesn't feel quite the same need to hang off you as Mammon might, Beel's protection can be likened to something like a hired-bodyguard. Close, but not too close, and always vigilant almost to a territorial degree.

If someone Beel doesn't like approaches you, he may growl at them. We would recommend you heed his warning. Beel is generally a good judge of character, and if something strikes him as off, then there may be cause for concern.

Fortunately for you, Beel does not jump to conclusions nor confrontation very often. Though he may act intimidating, he won't make any moves unless given an "Okay" from you beforehand.

This, however, does NOT apply if someone actually hurts you in any way. Though he may seem sweet and wholesome, please remember, he is a demon and the demon of Gluttony at that. Someone will be eaten for their transgressions, but he would rather you not watch if possible.

Truthfully, what will scare Beel far more than possible attackers are injuries in and of themselves. He has what basic first aid is afforded to anyone who plays sports but is nowhere near qualified to save you from something life-threatening... Should you become injured or sick, it would devastate him that he can no longer take care of you. He may even be at risk of a small breakdown as a result.

The events of Celestial War have perhaps taken their heaviest toll on Beel. Whether it's true or not, he carries a lot of the blame for what happened on his shoulders... The idea of going through something like that again, but now with you, scares him more than anything. Please remember, under that kind exterior lies dormant wounds that will likely remain unhealed long after you're gone...

Belphegor

Belphegor is a strange case because, in some respects, he is one of the most possessive of the brothers... But he's also the least overtly protective.

Part of it is, yes, his inherent laziness. Following you around all day would be quite a hassle. He also can't expect you to stay in bed with him 24/7 (not that he lets that stop him from trying). Even setting up complex background machinations to keep an eye on you would be too much work...

But that doesn't mean that he leaves you alone entirely. If there is one thing that Belphegor tries to shield you from, it's his brothers. For possessive reasons, yes, but also as a form of protection.

Belphie is acutely aware of how often his brothers' shenanigans can lead to disaster. As such, he'll try to drag you out of their problems as much as possible.

It's not lost on him that the events that lead to your first demise were all due your penchant for meddling in his brothers' affairs. So in his eyes, a fairly simple and effective way to keep you out of trouble would be to keep you from them as much as possible.

As far as injuries go… "He dislikes seeing you hurt" is the least complicated way of putting things. Seeing you with major injuries obviously triggers some uncomfortable and unwanted memories for him, as it would for you. However, his emotions quickly get muddled up in it...

The sudden combination of fear, panic, shame, and anger can strike him at once and leave him in a frozen or vulnerable state... Painful for sure, but also not helpful in that situation. Minor injuries, thankfully, do not cause this reaction.

If you're injured and Belphegor appears to be going through trauma, we recommend calling for assistance from someone nearby or a different brother if possible (Satan would be a good option). Once you're stable, Belphegor will be relaxed somewhat but may need some cuddling.

Even with his lazy attitude, Belphegor does care for you and will try to keep you safe in his own way. He may hide the intensity of his emotions behind a veil of apathy, but they run so strong that they can be paralyzing. Never doubt that he does love you, and try your best to be there for him when things become difficult...

More from the How-To series in Masterlist 1.0; More recent HCs in Masterlist 2.0

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me headcanons #obey me how tos #obey me scenarios #tw: possessive behavior #tw: ptsd

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mercy-burning · 3 years

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Losing You Twice / 1: If I Hated You

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: It’s Valentine’s Day weekend, and it turns out Y/N isn’t the only one struggling with the breakup. Category: Smut (18+), Angst Content Warnings: Language, drinking/getting drunk, penetrative/unprotected sex (If I missed anything, please let me know!) Word Count: 5,538

SERIES MASTERLIST | MASTERLIST

“My bedtime is the darkest, that’s when I’m brokenhearted. The nighttime is the hardest. It’d be easy, if I hated you.” —FLETCHER, If I Hated You

FEBRUARY 13th

It was Valentine's Day weekend, which sucked this time around. Every year for the past three years Y/N looked forward to Valentine's Day, but that was when she actually had someone to spend it with.

Well, someone she actually cared about, anyway... Whether or not Spencer actually knew it, she did really care about him. She was just stupid and didn't say it when he needed to hear it the most.

And now Valentine's Day was on Saturday and Y/N was still without him. Not alone, but still without the man who'd spent the significant holiday with her for the past three years. Memories of their dates and 'afterparties' flooded through her mind as she got ready for work like a montage, a cheesy love-song playlist she'd found on Spotify acting as the soundtrack.

Eventually she sighed and turned it off, opting for something more loud and obnoxious, and therefore not tainted by Spencer's memory. She applied what was left of her makeup and added a pair of earrings before turning the music off altogether and shoving her phone in her bag alongside her keys and other necessities.

Even though she wasn't emotionally prepared for all the cheesy Valentine's things she'd see and hear and experience throughout the weekend, it was still kind of nice to see that things in the bank never changed during the holidays— Everything in her life was so severely different at the moment, that if Marjorie had somehow decided to throw out all her elaborate decorations for each holiday, no matter how small, Y/N would have thought the world was truly ending.

Speaking of, she was met with Marjorie's brighter-than-the-sun smile almost immediately once she set her things in the breakroom.

"How's my little macaron this morning?" she chirped, Y/N chuckling slightly at the nickname— She brought macarons from the bakery down the street on her first birthday she spent at the bank, and ever since then, the older woman had adorned her with the namesake.

"She's alright, Marj... Better now that she's seen you..."

"That boy still on your mind, hon?"

Obviously Marjorie's intentions were good, but Y/N couldn't stand to think about the situation at all, least of all at work... So, setting her jacket on the rack, turned away so that her coworker wouldn't see the visible discomfort on her face, Y/N squeezed her eyes shut and cleared her throat. "So, what are your plans with Geno tomorrow night? Anything special?"

There was a brief pause before Marjorie cleared her throat as well. "Nothing short of our usual dinner plans, my dear. He's been so caught up with work at the Mill lately, I think we're just going to spend the night relaxing."

"Hm," Y/N said shortly, finally turning around and giving her the best smile she could. "Maybe I should take a page from your book and stay in..."

"You weren't going to?"

"No... Britt's been nagging me about getting out there so we're going out tomorrow night. We both haven't been single in a long time, so... Should be fun."

Marjorie didn't look convinced. Either way, she nodded with a smile and walked over to Y/N with something glittery and bright red in her hand— A cheap beaded necklace to clip her nametag onto. She draped it over Y/N's neck and patted her shoulders. "Well, I want you to have fun. And remember that you still have to come to work on Monday. Whatever shenanigans you get into should be reserved for Saturday night only so you can rest properly on Sunday, got it?"

Y/N laughed, thankful for the playful tone in Marjorie's voice. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Oh, I joke, I joke," the older woman said with a bright laugh, turning to walk out of the break room. "A little..."

The smile on Y/N's face only really lasted until after Marjorie was out of sight, then she went into her bag and clipped her nametag onto the red beaded necklace with a sigh.

Was she excited to have a good night out with Britt? Of course. Hell, had it been literally any other day of the year, she would have been practically bouncing off the walls with excitement at the idea of going out to a bar, letting men hit on her until she finally let one of them take her back to his place for the night.

But it just felt like it was too soon.

Either way, she was glad that she'd get to see Britt again, after she'd been on vacation for Christmas and New Year's to see her family and only got back a few weeks ago. She'd seen her on Facetime of course, and they met up once for coffee right after Britt got back from her trip, but a well-needed night out and quality time getting ready together was something that had been missing from their friendship for almost a year.

Y/N knew Britt would most likely spend her time trying to hook them up with end-of-the-night dates, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

Even still, sleeping alone the night before was probably one of the worst spells of loneliness she'd ever had. It was normal to be sad spending the first Valentine's Day in years away from a significant other, but knowing how things ended between them—bitter and stained with words left unsaid—this time was just... cold.

And that was putting it lightly.

Y/N laid in bed that night, her eyes wide open and staring at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars that adorned the ceiling. They used to give her comfort, but now they just reminded her of all the nights she'd spend with Spencer, listening to him tell stories about the constellations. They were some of the most peaceful memories she had.

And now those, too—those stars that had grounded her pretty much all her life and reminded her of the better days—were tainted by her inability to properly communicate.

She almost thought about taking them down.

But if she was really going to get over him this time, for good, then she'd have to learn to make new memories with the stars. Even if it was painful. Even if replacing those memories and writing new ones over them absolutely tore her soul to pieces.

And, as if that pain wasn't enough, that night Y/N dreamt of him, making love to her amongst the stars in every galaxy, only to wake up the next morning cold and alone.

FEBRUARY 14th

She promptly decided that she hated his guts.

It was Valentine's Day, Y/N was respectfully buzzed, and courtesy of two beers and four shots of tequila, she'd just deleted Spencer's number from her phone.

"I'm done," she said, waving a hand at Britt and shoving her phone in her purse. "He doesn't deserve my wallowing."

"Yeah!"

Britt was significantly the more drunk of the two, resulting in a fit of giggles after gaining some stares from the people around them at her sudden outburst.

Y/N smiled, finishing off another shot and shaking her head. "We need more!"

"More shots!" Britt hurried off to grab them, leaving her friend behind with a half-drunken smile that also only felt half-genuine.

Sure, she decided she hated Spencer's guts, but her heart didn't exactly agree well with that sentiment. Even after deleting his number from her phone, after downing all that alcohol, her heart still ached.

Y/N knew deep down that getting over him was going to take some time. A lot of time... But maybe one night of distraction would help.

So the shots kept coming, and by the end of the night, Y/N was just about at her limit.

Which was near black-out drunk. And when you're that drunk you tend to make decisions you wouldn't soberly condone.

Britt got into a cab, and she begged Y/N to come with her, but she assured her friend that she had someone to come pick her up. Eventually the cab driver got tired of their inability to decide, and when Y/N told him to go, he did, leaving her alone on the side of the street at 1am.

Unfortunately, it was incredibly cold, and she didn't really have anyone to come pick her up. And that's where the bad decisions started.

Y/N pulled her phone out, a long sigh escaping her as she dialed the number by heart.

Would he even pick up? He hadn't answered any of her calls or texts before, so why would it have been any different now? Not to mention it was Valentine's Day Weekend. With her luck, he was probably in bed with someone else. Someone who wasn't her. As she listened to the dial tone repeating in her ear, images of him wrapped up with somebody else—sleeping in the bed she'd slept in many times before—clouded her drunken brain and made her more angry than anything.

Her gut twisted, and she almost hung up.

But then the low buzz of the dial tone abruptly stopped and in its place came his voice.

"Y/N?"

Her name on his lips, even through the phone, was grounding, the anger in her system melting away and revealing a coat of drunken relief.

"Spencer! You answered!"

"Yeah... Are you— Is everything okay?"

"Pff, yeah, 'm-fine. Just really fucking cold."

"You're not outside, are you?"

"Duh, I'm outside... I wouldn't be cold in-side... Besides, I didn't call t'alk bout the weather, I need you t'come pick me up."

There was a brief pause, and for a moment Y/N didn't think he was going to say anything she wanted to hear. She swayed on the sidewalk, shivering and praying that he would throw her a bone, even if she'd regret it all in the morning.

"Where are you?" he said finally, and despite herself, she smiled.

FEBRUARY 15th

Spencer couldn't believe he was picking her up at near two in the morning.

Honestly, he'd initially thought about ignoring her call again, but remembering the day it was and taking note of the time, he figured she was most likely in some type of inebriated trouble.

His instincts were right, of course, but he wished that he could have been wrong. He wished she'd only been calling to drunkenly ramble on about how she missed him or maybe how he was stupid and she never wanted to see his face ever again, because that was normal. At least then he could have hung up after she was done and never thought about it again— it was a normal step in any relationship that helped move things along. They could have gotten on with their lives and it would have all been over.

But of course it was never that simple.

Y/N was never that simple.

He pictured her on the street near some bar, alone and cold and drunk, and of course he would have been the only one she could call to rescue her. After all, he'd been pretty much the only thing she'd ever known to make her feel safe.

Still, he wished he was capable of only giving her a ride home and then leaving.

But again, it was never that simple.

It was easy getting her into the car— that wasn't what he was worried about. Rather, it was the fated moment where she'd ask him to stay after he finally got her tucked safely into bed that worried him. Because it was bad enough that it was Y/N... It was her in all her alluring glory, and he'd never been able to deny her anything no matter how badly he tried or wanted to.

Now add on the fact that she was drunk, and most likely sad on their first Valentine's Day apart, and it was a recipe for disaster.

Even if she'd broken his heart, Spencer still cared about her.

Which is why he inevitably agreed to stay, at least until she fell asleep.

He knew her well enough to know all the ways she'd try to get him under the covers with her, so it was a familiar amusement that settled in his being when he was finally able to get on top of the covers with her underneath. But as he entertained her silly little questions with the right answers until she fell asleep, Spencer noticed something else accompanying that amusement.

Guilt.

And then anger for feeling guilty about her sadness— sadness that could have been avoided had she just gotten over whatever was holding her back and either returned his "I love you" or told him she wasn't feeling the same way just yet.

All she had to do was talk.

He had a right to feel upset about Y/N holding back when he'd been nothing but patient, spending almost every year of their relationship trying to make her see that she had nothing to be afraid of. He'd given her every chance to talk about what she was feeling, whether it was happy or not, and every time she pushed it all away in favor of sex.

That wasn't what he wanted in a relationship, so he ended it. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

So why was he feeling so fucking guilty?

He blamed his good nature and innate need to please people, to make them feel good and happy. But he also blamed Y/N and her adorable drunken sleeping face.

He watched as she slept, willing himself not to forget the way she hurt him. She'd completely stolen his heart and shattered it at the same time, and if he was being honest, she still held some of the pieces. But he couldn't get them back, not if he didn't want to risk shattering her own heart in the process.

It felt like they were tied together by some strong, invisible force that wouldn't break unless both of them broke right along with it.

So... maybe he could afford to leave those pieces of his heart with her. He'd have to if they were going to get out of this alive. Not unscathed, sure, but alive nonetheless.

Once he was sure she was deep in sleep, Spencer quietly and carefully got off the bed and navigated through her apartment, getting her a glass of water and leaving it on the table next to her bed. And because he couldn't help it, he cleaned up some of the clothes that were scattered around her floor, depositing them into the hamper and straightening out a few more things that were out of place.

He looked over at her sleeping figure one more time, sighed, and then left, keeping her bedroom door open just a crack.

***

Spencer knew he shouldn't have stayed longer.

Despite his better judgement, he'd plopped himself down on her couch after making sure she was sound asleep, hoping to catch his breath and sort through what he was feeling before he got behind the wheel. But of course, it was 2am and he was exhausted, and he couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes and drifting off.

And now he was sitting up, looking around the apartment through the lens of morning.

Though the curtains were sheer, they didn't provide much light, but enough of it showed him just how familiar the space was. Y/N hadn't moved anything around. The same art was on the same walls, the potted ivy plant on her mantle sat un-watered and withering, and every book and record and DVD on her shelves was in the exact same spot as they'd all been the last time he was there in December.

Meanwhile, after the breakup he'd re-arranged everything. He was so sure that they were through for good this time around that he wanted a clean slate. Not that he wanted to rid himself of her memory completely, but if he was going to move on from the hold she'd had on him, he had to do something...

And yet, he ended up at her apartment the morning after Valentine's Day all the same.

He heard the shower running faintly a couple rooms away. You didn't have to pass the couch to get there, so maybe she hadn't seen him sleeping and he could get away cleanly.

Spencer scrambled off the couch, thankful that he hadn't removed his jacket or his shoes and that he could just sprint towards the door without having to find any of his belongings.

But as luck would have it, the second he took a step, the shower turned off. He had to get out of there quickly, but if he did then she'd definitely know he'd stayed overnight. But if he went quietly, he wouldn't have enough time before she caught him.

Maybe I could hide...

He shook the thought with a roll of his eyes, settling on the clearest course of action, which was to make as quick of a getaway as he could. He'd try to be quiet as well, though the creaky door was going to be nearly impossible to get through without a sound.

His hand was on the doorknob when he heard her voice.

"You didn't think you could spend the night and then leave without saying goodbye, did 'ja?"

The pure amusement in her tone made his stomach churn, and it wasn't unpleasant in the slightest.

Spencer turned and smiled softly, avoiding looking at her completely. "Sorry. Didn't want to bother you."

"You're never a bother."

That sentiment held less amusement and more sincerity, which was what guided his eyes to meet the woman who said the words.

His stomach twisted again when he saw her, exactly like he knew she'd be— wrapped in nothing but a thin towel with near-dripping hair cascading down her back. Her legs were bare and exposed, the towel not only thin but short, which meant that her chest was also practically spilling out of it. Despite the obvious and inevitable hungover look in her eye, there was also a good splash of that mischief that'd always been there— the kind that spelled out trouble.

He needed to get out of there.

"Well, um... I'm glad I got you home safe," he said, clearing his throat. "I should... I should go."

"You sure you don't wanna stay for breakfast?"

Spencer could have sworn she was teasing him, dangling her body in front of him like a meal they both knew he wouldn't be able to resist. But then she added, "I've got everything I need for your favorite omelet," and he exhaled with a small smile, exhausted with his own mind for convincing him that she was out to pull him back in.

Still, he declined. "No, I... I shouldn't. But, uh, thank you..."

"You sure?"

This time when he looked up at her, she was closer. She was gently striding forward to meet him, and he half thought about backing up towards the door until he realized he was already there.

"I—I'm sure. Really."

"But you drove around all night just to take me home when I was drunk, the least I can do is feed you..."

"Eh, it's alright. It's... Nothing I haven't done before."

She stopped then, her eyes briefly dropping to the floor. It was like her whole demeanor changed—just for a second—from the prowess she'd always been, to what seemed to be a woman filled with sadness and regret. It didn't last long though, just enough for Spencer to notice it before she looked back up at him with that wicked gleam in her eye and a remark right at the tip of her tongue.

"Still. I feel bad, making you do all that for me... Especially now."

He wasn't sure what to make of this... It seemed like she was sincere, but she was also alluring, calling to him like a siren leading him to his ultimate demise. And while he'd come to know that as merely a part of her nature, he couldn't help but shake the feeling that she was doing it on purpose.

She was in a skimpy towel, after all, and she definitely knew how to use that to her advantage.

It didn't help that he didn't have the courage to leave. Everything inside of him right then longed to drop that towel and indulge himself once more. Putting aside all the heartache and the differences they shared, all he felt in that moment was the need to touch her— to get lost in her and never be found again.

She was his fatal flaw, and it was painfully obvious.

Spencer knew he shouldn't have stayed longer...

He was over to her in just three strides, throwing off his jacket and tossing it aside before cradling her face with his hands and bringing their lips together for the first time since Christmas Eve.

The small whine in her throat signaled that she hadn't expected it, but welcomed it all the same. The moment she lifted her arms to wrap around his neck, the towel fell to the floor, and there was no going back.

"What about breakfast?" Y/N breathed out once they pulled away for air.

Spencer contemplated, studying her face, seeing the way her eyes sparkled, and decided on the two words that sealed his fate.

"Screw breakfast."

Their lips were melded together almost as soon as the words left his mouth. And it wasn't long before every other part of their bodies were melded together as well.

Y/N helped him take the rest of his clothes off as they danced around the entryway and the living room. Everything was open, no walls separating the living room from the kitchen, so to compensate for the lack of breakfast they'd be eating, they migrated to the kitchen counter once Spencer had off everything but his boxers.

He trapped her against the cool marble of the countertop, her back hitting it solid and sending a shiver up her spine. Meanwhile his hands roamed her body, unsure of where to be other than on her at all times, whether it be her waist, her stomach, her arms, her breasts, or her ass. He wanted to feel all of her, and quite frankly she wanted the same.

She even told him so, in her own way, by bringing one of her legs up and wrapping it around his waist, pulling him closer to her as she wove her fingers through his hair and tasted his tongue with her own.

The action elicited a groan from his mouth, low and desperate. Spencer settled his hands on her waist and gripped it tight, silently telling her what to do.

So she jumped up and he helped guide her swiftly onto the counter. Her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist again, and he found himself grinding into her hips, urgent to feel every part of her. And thankfully she was feeling rather desperate herself, because she rolled her hips up into him in return, breaking their mouths apart just briefly to speak.

"Fuck me..."

There was so much he wanted to say to her in that moment— how badly he was feeling about keeping her entertained while he was slowly deteriorating inside from her emotional detachment and rejection, how much she frustrated him, and more prominently, how she was so goddamn impatient and that he was getting there...

But all that he could manage was a broken, desperate whisper of her name.

It was all he'd ever known.

All that frustration... All that anger, heartache, passion, and time apart combined beautifully into those few syllables that made up her name and tore him apart from the inside out.

And his hands were just as destructive.

Spencer deftly dropped his boxers to the ground and pushed forward, almost losing all sense of self the moment the head of his dick finally made contact with her cunt. He made his way inside of her and then used both of his hands to grip her waist and bring her closer, their mouths connecting harshly as they found one another once again.

His grip was bruising— not possessive in any way, but desperate, like he had to cling to her for dear life or he wouldn't live to see another day. He held himself inside her, sighing and whimpering into her mouth as she clenched around him. It was so familiar, so comfortable and exhilarating that he almost didn't even want to move. He thought about staying there, still inside her forever.

But as always, Y/N was insatiable.

She wrapped all her limbs around him and held on, rolling her hips and seeking friction in any way possible when she briefly tore her lips away from his.

"I need you, baby, please..."

Even as his heart started to rumble in his chest, well aware of the fact that she still probably didn't love him the way he loved her, Spencer gave her everything. He pulled out and snapped his hips forward again, setting a strong, steady pace that had Y/N's eyes rolling back, and the payoff of hearing her sigh out his name was more than enough to keep him going.

Her nails dug deliciously into his shoulders, the faint sting adding something reminiscent of gasoline to a fire. The flames grew taller and brighter the more he fucked her, and with each gradual increase of volume and intensity, it was a wonder the whole kitchen around them hadn't literally burst into flames.

That's how they always were.

Together like this, so lost in the high of each others' bodies, it was easy to forget the things that made their relationship so hard. It was easy to let all the negativity slip away into the throes of pent-up, well-needed sex. The high they gave each other was merely that— A high...

A distraction.

And while that's exactly what Y/N needed, what she preferred in most cases, it's what Spencer recognized as completely unhealthy, despite his coming back to it every time.

It's also why he dreaded the moment ending. Because once they came down from the high, all that's left would be sadness, regret... Guilt... Their fire burned hot, brightly and wildly, but in the aftermath would lay only a thick layer of deadly smoke between them— hard to navigate, and nearly impossible to breathe in without suffocating.

So they simply burned and burned and burned...

Spencer gripped her so tight he was sure to leave her with bruising. And in turn Y/N dragged her nails down his back and dug them into his ass, her palm laying firmly over the muscles that aided in fucking her into the marbled surface. She whined out curses and moans, and he cried out broken whispers of her name, pet names, and curses alike.

Even once she'd come, he kept going, willing himself to hold on as long as he could. She whined into his ear at the overstimulation. And rather than keeping her legs wrapped around his body, she decided to spread them wide, perching her heels up on the counter as far as she could go and anchoring her fingers through his hair.

And though she might not have had enough orgasms in her to keep up with him, she welcomed it all the same—She welcomed the burn just as much as he did.

Even still, no fire can burn forever.

All concept of time was lost by the time Spencer finally collapsed forward, completely spent and barely standing on weak legs after coming twice. Y/N held onto him tightly to keep him upwards, lightly massaging his scalp with gentle fingers and closing her eyes as she focused on his breathing— the way it fanned over the skin of her bare shoulder and how it sounded, perfectly in time with hers...

It was the most peaceful she'd been in a long time.

She felt him pull out of her, the both of them groaning at the feeling, and a little at the mess it would make.

Spencer gently peeled his body off of hers, sniffing once and avoiding her eyes. "Sorry... You just got out of the shower..."

"It's fine," Y/N breathed. She begged him silently to look her in the eye, but he remained still... Most likely thinking. She could practically see the cogs turning in his brain.

So, in an effort to lighten the mood a bit, she added with a breathy laugh, "Besides... It's nothing I haven't done before."

The callback to his words—and memories of all the times they'd found themselves in this position before—got Spencer to laugh a little, but he still wouldn't meet her eyes.

Finally, he cleared his throat. "I'll... I'll grab the wipes?"

"Oh. Sure," Y/N returned with a thankful smile. It was hopeful, too, though the moment he was out of eyesight, it turned rather sad.

She'd known that behavior before, seen that hesitation in his movements and that sound in his voice.

It was guilt.

Regret.

Probably a bit of self-hatred, too.

When he returned, a pile of her clothes in hand and the bag of wipes on top, she took them from him with a kind smile and cleaned herself up while he put his clothes back on.

The silence was more uncomfortable than anything either of them had ever experienced.

So much so, that Y/N couldn't even muster up the courage to ask him to stay for breakfast— and she always did after one of their post-break hookups.

Maybe this time really was different.

Spencer was just at the door again when she stopped him.

"Thank you," she said. Her voice was so small, he almost didn't hear it. "For bringing me home..."

But he paused, turned, and finally looked her in the eye.

He almost sunk to his knees right there...

Seeing her, arms crossed like she was trying to keep warm, as her head hung low and she looked up at him through sad, hooded eyelids...

It reminded him of the woman he fell in love with.

But in his peripheral, he saw the towel on the floor and was reminded of the woman who'd shattered his heart.

Spencer cleared his throat. Once upon a time he might have returned her thanks with, Anytime, but... Honestly he wasn't sure there could ever be another time. For his sanity, he'd have to avoid 'anytime' at all costs.

So, he settled on, "You're welcome."

He was glad to see her return his kind smile with one of her own, even if it was tainted with sadness, and a small wave goodbye.

Maybe this time it would stick.

Even still, as he closed the door behind him and made his way to the parking lot, for some reason it didn't quite feel like goodbye.

And some of that deadly smoke that settled in his lungs as he drove further and further away from her apartment was inclined to agree.

***

Neither of them could sleep that night.

While Spencer stared out the window of the jet, a little annoyed to be called out on a case so late but at least thankful for the distraction, Y/N laid in bed, staring at the stars on her ceiling.

The same constellation caught their eye.

Columba.

The Dove.

She hadn't even meant to arrange the stars like that, but one night after a date, they were laying in her bed and Spencer pointed out that the cluster of plastic stars right in the corner of the ceiling looked like Columba.

Y/N fondly remembered Spencer telling her about how it was originally named to represent Noah's dove, which searched for dry land during the great biblical flood and returned carrying an olive branch to make news of its recession— of peace at last.

The memory made her smile. It tugged at her heart and made her dreams of him even more vivid.

All the same, Spencer noticed the constellation outside the jet window and remembered that same night. The smile on her face as he told her the story, the feel of her fingers gliding softly over the bare skin of his forearm...

It was the first night since he'd met her that he thought it.

I love her...

He almost told her then, too, but he was afraid it was too soon. So he refrained.

Looking back, Spencer was starting to regret that— Maybe without that extra time together, breaking up would have been easier. But instead, he gave her more time. He gave himself more time to fall deeper in love with her, and in the end it still wasn't enough.

Now they were both looking at the same constellation, one made of plastic and the other of gas, wondering if their flood would ever recede.

And in the event that it did... Who would be the dove, and what would be their olive branch?

“You know I dream about getting back together in the future, I could focus on you. But if I leave right now, I hope that you don’t find someone that touches you the way that I do...”

***

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#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds angst #losing you twice

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blkgojo · 3 years

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Two Superheroes, One Bed | Carol Danvers x Reader

In which, you and Carol hate each other, but have to share a bed.

Request: Anonymous

Despite popular misconception being a former terrorist does not make people like you. If anything, it makes them hate you. Despise you. Question you incessently with things such as, "Why did you do this? What is wrong with you? How could you have justified those acts?" And to be honest, your answer was less than satisfying. There was no tragic backstory. No great villain speech. Just you and your hatred for the government.

Living in the Avenger facility did little to change that.

See, the thing about Carol Danvers was that she wasn't an "Earth" hero. Logically speaking, there should've been no reason you disliked eachother as much as you did. You didn't work for the Kree. You had no squabble with saving refugees from colonial rule. On paper, you two were two peas in a pod. Both looking after people who didn't have others to help them, but you hated her the moment you laid eyes on her. Carol Danvers with the huge ass ego. Carol Danvers who somehow was fighting an intergalactic empire, but saw no problem with the way the US military conducted business. She hated you because honestly, who likes a murderer. Redemption arc be damned. You know how it goes.

"I just feel like I've done nothing to deserve this."

"You've killed hundreds of people."

"In total, the Avengers have killed like 2000 so, I don't really see how that's relevant."

Natasha sighs. Steve steps forward and when you cut your eyes at him, he raises his hands in plea.

"Half the universe's population is gone. The US government just needs a win."

You nod slowly. "And sending me across the fucking galaxy with-" You gesture vaguely to the blonde who until that point had decided to be quiet. "- is somehow a win."

"I hate to say this, but I agree," Carol interjects. "I work better alone. Y/N will just hold me back."

"We just need someone to go back to the planet where the infinity stores were destroyed. Make sure there are no remnants."

"It'd be quicker if I did it by myself."

"Y/N is the only one with the ability to replicate organic life," Steve retorts. "If there's a possibility she can locate some particle of infinity stone and replicate that, we need to take that chance."

"It'd be good publicity for her image and it'd bring us one step closer to bringing them back," Natasha continues.

"The world needs you to put aside your differences for the mission."

That was another thing you regretted about joining the Avengers. Steve had no shortage of motivating speeches under his belt. The good thing about villains was that they weren't much for conversation - there was no need to give motivating speeches when the odds were in your favor.

But, people were gone. Wanda, the only one you remotely liked, was gone. Snapped. Looking at Carol now, it looks like she must've lost someone, too. Her unpleasant face looks somehow more restrained than it usually did.

You sigh and fold your arms. "Fine."

All Carol does is nod.

It would take two earth days to reach his planet. Two. There'd been complications with the engine and so, it would take not the twenty four hours you expected, you know the time span that was customary for light travel, but it would take two days. Between that and the ship having to lower the heat to maintain proper oxygen levels, it wasn't fun.

"I could fly us there," Carol offers.

"Are you forgetting I can't breathe in space?"

Carol shrugs. "You replicate organic life right? Just replicate yourself a new pair of lungs."

"Fuck you."

She smirks, takes the only other available chair next to you. At first, she seems content to annoy you by tapping her fingers against the dashboard. Then, she grows bored. Worse, she tries to talk to you.

"Isn't all of this stuff automated?"

"Yes."

"So," she begins, stretching out the word. "You don't actually need to be here monitoring it. You can get on the cot." She shrugs. "Take a nap."

"I'd rather keep watch."

You think that'll be it and she'll be done, but she continues. You never would've pegged her as the type to not like silence. But, maybe that's not even it. Maybe, she just wanted to squeeze information out of you. God knows you weren't exactly open with the other Avengers when Fury made you join.

"You ever been to outer space?"

You shake your head. "When you're flagged as a global liability they tend to prefer you on the ground."

"A global liability? Is that what terrorists call themselves?"

"At least, we don't give ourselves cutesy nicknames like Black Widow or Captain Marvel."

She scoffs. "No. You guys just blow up innocent civilians."

"Yeah, I guess accidentally killing them is way better." You smile thinly. "For the greater good and all, you know?"

She stares at you long enough that you don't think she'll actually speak. Finally, she looks away and out to the empty abyss in front of you. "I don't pretend to know what the Avengers did while I was off-world. I see them now and they're good people."

You don't respond and she continues. "You must agree. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

"Fury said it was either this or experimentation."

"Fury didn't say that."

You laugh bitterly. "He didn't, but he didn't need to. The governments experiment on all mutants - that's how we got Steve and Wanda - they just don't talk about it anymore." You spare her a glance. There's nothing in her expression that would tell you what she's thinking. "So, I chose the Avengers. And here we are."

"You could've escaped."

"Where?" You lean forward in your seat and prop your elbow on the dash. "Please tell me. Where can someone who's wanted internationally hide?"

She squints her eyes. "I'd help, but unfortunately, my knowledge of ideal vacation spots is pretty limited."

Carol's lips seem to be trapped in a permanent smirk - the corner always tilted up in vaguely hidden amusement. Even now. Her snark never stops. You feel your own anger dissipate as quick as it came. There was no point being angry with her. She loved it. Fed off it like a parasite or leech.

"It's almost like you're trying to piss me off."

She places her elbow on the console, leaning forward to shrink the gap between you two.

"Would it make you more angry if I was?"

One time, you and the raccoon had a bet. Whose eyes were more blue: Captain America or Captain Marvel? Like this, you'd have to say Carol. Her eyes had their own halo wrapped around the rim, highlighting the blue and making it fluorescent.

You rub your lips together and lean back in your seat, turning away from her to once again, look at the controls.

The ship breaks down when you reach his planet. You and Carol spend the first ten minutes after landing, arguing back and forth, blaming eachother. The next fifteen, Carol leaves you. Fucks off like a glow stick and searches the planet. When she returns, you haven't moved. Haven't left. You opted instead to lie down in the flowers. It was a beautiful planet. Perfect for retirement. The air was pure, almost light enough to get high in.

"I found his cabin."

"Great." You jump up. The blood rushing to your head and spotting your vision briefly, almost enough to cause you to wobble. "Let's go."

She steps in front of you, quick. You stop just short of bumping into her. Your faces are inches apart. That same infuriating smirk on her lips. Your eyes dart down, down to her chest - she was quite muscular, you could see that even through her clothes- down enough that she has to clear her throat.

"It's too far by foot." When your eyes meet, she's trying to not look smug.

You arch a brow. "Well, we can't fly."

"I'll have to carry you."

You groan.

"Believe me. I'd be more than willing to do anything else."

"Fine. Do it."

You step back and gesture at her to turn around. She rolls her eyes and in a breathe you didn't know you were holding, throws your arm around her shoulders, wraps her arms around your waist, and jumps. You scream. Through the rush of wind, you think you hear her laughing or perhaps, that's a lie and it's you. Laughing hysterically. No. You are screaming. Hitting her chest. And she's laughing. Fuck Natasha. Fuck Steve. When this is over, you're quitting.

When your feet touch the ground, you bend down and kiss it. Pray to it.

"Anyone ever tell you you're dramatic?" She asks.

"Anyone ever teach you about consent?"

"You told me to do it."

"I don't care!"

The two of you spend hours looking for remnants of the stones before you finally give it up and return to the ship. You were careful not to drift too close to his cabin. The Avengers never recovered the body. The rot of Thanos was thick, enough to gag over if you got too close. This planet wasn't used to death, not the harsh meat of Thanos. It had been months and he was still there, newly rotting as if it had been a week or two.

"I'll look again tomorrow before we leave." Carol pops a chip in her mouth, her feet kicked on the co-pilot chair while you lounged on the cot. "For now, you should get your rest."

"Don't you need to sleep, too?"

"I have been." She gestures to the chair.

You stare. Frown. The chairs were nowhere near comfortable.

"We can switch. I'll just take the blanket," you offer reluctantly. The nights here were cold anyways. Much colder than space. You involuntarily shiver.

"I prefer to sleep sitting up."

"Is that a military thing?"

To your surprise, she laughs. "Why?"

You shrug the blanket higher - the thin layer providing little comfort. "Cap likes to do that too."

As the sky gets darker, the cold filters in the cracks of the ship and between the layers of your comforter. You snuggle tighter within yourself, curl your knees up to your chest, burrow your hands underneath your pits. When that doesn't work, you shift again. It was always something. The blanket doesn't cover your feet here. You're uncomfortable there.

"You still up?"

You peek up to glance at Carol. She's leaned back in the chair, her head propped back against the headrest. When you shift, she pops one eye open.

"It's cold," you respond. "Are you cold?"

She shakes her head. "Temperature stops being a concern when you get superpowers like mine."

"Oh, yeah. Forgot you're a glow stick."

She snorts. "You talk a lot of shit for someone whose close to being an icicle."

"Bravado under pressure. It's my best quality."

You think she's gonna retort with another snort, but she stays silent. You make a move to stand, but she stops you.

"It's colder over here. See." She breathes out and you can see the cloud of her breathe. You frown.

"I can't sleep like this."

You think she's gonna do something like procure a blanket or throw you her jacket. You even think she might use her powers to heat the ship. It would make sense. Now, that you thought about it - she could've flew your ship to Thanos's exact location. You open your mouth to say as much, maybe, even yell at her as well, but she surprises you by standing.

Her head tilts to the side. Her mouth opening and closing again as if she's mulling over her next words carefully. If it were brighter, you might say this is the closest to nervous you've ever seen her get.

"I could lay down next to you." You blink. "My body generates a certain amount of heat due to -"

"Your powers. Yeah, I get it."

Slowly, you scoot over in the small cot. There wouldn't be enough room. You'd be touching regardless, but if you didn't turn over, it'd be okay. You could pretend instead of Carol, it was some space heater next to you.

"Come," you order.

You feel her weight in the cot, the warmth of her sinking in and spreading across the fabric. It hasn't even been a minute and already the cold has been dissipated. You could sleep if you wanted to. But, you don't. No matter how much you had wanted to pretend she was just some space heater, she was Carol. She felt stiff like a board and she was unbearably loud in her stiffness, her unwillingness to move.

"You can relax you know," you mumble.

"I sleep on my side."

You wonder now if she's smirking.

"No one's stopping you from doing that."

She moves and you know without looking that she's facing you. Her breathe tickles the hair on the back of your neck. You wouldn't be able to sleep like this. She's thinking so loud that whatever thoughts she's having are sure to interrupt your dreams. You turn over towards her - your faces are a hair apart. She's not smirking. Her lips are parted and her eyebrows raised, her expression torn between surprise and delight.

"You're making it difficult to sleep," you say simply.

"Am I?" She retorts. There it is. She's grinning. "That sounds like a personal problem."

You don't take the bait. "You know why you're making it difficult?"

She shifts her head slightly to imply 'no'.

"You're too far away. I'm still cold," you say.

She arches one brow. "This is too far away for you?"

You nod.

She shifts closer. Close enough that there's no room for you to glance at her lips. There's only her eyes staring into yours.

"This good enough?" She whispers.

"No."

"You're proving difficult to please, Y/N." And you can tell she's trying to be smooth, but right now, you just want her to shut up.

You barely have time to open your mouth to say as much before she's kissing you. Pressing her soft lips to yours, her hand finding its way to your hip and resting there. She tugs you closer to her until your bodies are flush against one another. The soft pecks growing longer. Light sparks from her fingertips, burning the trim of your jacket. She fists it as she presses you into her. Her touch still gentle if demanding.

You pull away slowly to breathe. To catch air. You forget why when your lips stop touching.

"Been wanting to do that for awhile," she says with a smile.

"I didn't know I wanted to do it honestly," you respond because it's true. All you knew was that Carol was infuriating. Still is. Only now you want to kiss her, too.

"Really?" Carol asks. "You didn't know you wanted me?"

"You find that hard to believe?"

"I do," she grins. "You know the raccoon and Groot have a running bet on which one of us would crack first. Groot bet on me."

"Groot lost, then." You mean to kiss her, but she pulls back.

"You're the one who invited me into bed with you."

"Because you offered your services."

"Because you complained about being cold."

You groan, snuggle into her chest so you don't feel the need to respond to her. Thankfully, she stops. Her spare hand strokes your back and slowly, you drift into sleep.

#carol danvers x reader #carol danvers imagine #captain marvel x reader #captain marvel imagine #carol danvers #captain marvel

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ninja-bitch · 4 years

Note

Yo ! Could you write please a nsfw headcanons for konan ,kakuzu,tsuande,hianta ,tenten and kaguya with a fem s/o😳

Hi! Thanks for your ask <3 I will just put it out there but the first thing I’ve ever posted online was a Konan x Shizune fanfic.

Also Tenten can get it.

Again I tried to keep it gender neutral with some more things added for someone with a fem body love

They’re going to be a bit shorter than usual I think. You did hit the character limit, I might switch it to 4 later because I’m not happy with everything I wrote there and it took me some time. I don’t know...

Anyways, hope you like it <3

Kakuzu x reader HCs (NSFW)

Oh but can you just imagine how he’d eat someone out? Can you? Because I can and it gets nasty.

Seriously though, I don’t picture him as someone who’d have lots of sex, but I think he’s one of the best partners in the whole akatsuki. In terms of pleasure alone, he is an asshole too at the end of the day. But he’d be good.

Hear me out hear me out. It doesn’t happen often but if it has to he is going all in and that’s something. I think he’d be one of the most mature of the bunch and one to have at least some experience that goes with it. He’s been around, he’s seen some shit in his youth and it shows.

One to have the safest kinky sex despite being a murderer and shit. If he’s to have sex with someone he’ll probably want to keep them around and keep them interested. Not a lot of people try to come onto him. It does get nasty but also not too kinky unless they ask. He can do that.

He’d be on the classier side of kinky most of the time. Would not be opposed to slight roleplay and bondage but often cannot be bothered.

Not above spanking or spitting too. He would spit in someone’s mouth just because he can. He’d make it pretty dramatic. It’s pretty hot.

Ok but a good teacher when it comes to sex to be honest. I’ll say that he’s not that patient though but he’ll make you cum before him. This is his foreplay tbh, make them cum and then go to town.

Honestly one to have sex after a fight. Oh but he’d look so calm and collected like a 100% of the time. It’s impressive.

Would appreciate his partner riding him. Especially if that wasn’t something he’d planned. Like he’s doing taxes or some shit and they just...y’know. Sucking him off is a huge ok too. He’d act grumpy though. Maybe scold them a bit but ultimately would let them.

He gets pretty rough. He’d bite his partner. Lots of grunts and some strong grip I think. That should do it. He doesn’t talk much.

Oh but about the eating someone out part, he’d definitely do that quite a lot. Yes. Would use his weirdass thread tongue and would not break eye contact. I think he would pay attention to the titty. Would pay attention to the ass too.

While having sex on a pile of money is something I’d like to imagine, he wouldn’t.

Tsunade x reader HCs (NSFW)

Ah ah. I want to say she’d be good but she’s probably one to have drunken one night stands that leave her pretty unsatisfied. I’m just putting it out there.

Tsunade would definitely be someone more dominant and would probably gets her partner to eat her out for hours on end though.

Not very loud but does talk a lot. She is pretty crude.

She doesn’t care for titties. But she expects attention on hers. She’s not that sensitive and it frustrates her a bit because she definitely likes the idea of having someone suck on them.

Knows her anatomy. Would be very good, very quick to make any partner cum just with her fingers. She’d go fast and deep.

Not opposed to having sex with multiple people.

Oh but she would be into pegging and using any toys if she had enough time.

Ok but you know she’d have sex in the Kage’s office.

Has had partners in the past, definitely knows what she likes and want out of sex. She’s not opposed to having a younger more inexperienced partner.

I think she’d be very sloppy eating someone out. It sorts of bores her unfortunately. Unless they get very into it. She does like having someone close their legs around her face and just moan and whimper.

I think. I think she would be into sex after a fight too. Just saying.

She would also be a huge tease. Like yeah you want to cum? Work for it. She’d act as if she wasn’t interested.

Would like a partner to masturbate in front of her, while she’s just sipping wine or something.

Sexual board games are a thing.

Would like challenges. Think : Bet you can’t make me cum before Shizune comes back in here. Poor lady. Bet I can have you scream my name in the next 5 minutes. She always wins though.

She has lots of stamina.

Hinata x reader HCs (NSFW)

Hinata is curious and a bit kinky. I said what I said.

Doesn’t have any experience but once she’s comfortable enough with someone, oh boy. Surprisingly would take the lead if you let her just to try things out.

Awkward first times? Awkward first times, but make it funny as it should be, I think that would definitely help her feel more comfortable. Sex is awkward and she worries a lot but if she can laugh and let some of that anxiety go, it definitely feels better for her.

I think she likes tights and ass the most.

I don’t think she’s that loud but she lets out some very very hot moans sometimes and it’s all worth it. Would love praise and compliments when she does.

I think she has to really really love someone to have sex with them btw. Don’t mind me stating the obvious.

Her neck and ears are very sensitive. Lick there. See what happens.

Oh but she’d be very good at eating out a girlfriend. She’d overstimulate her partner without meaning to. She would focus a lot on her partner’s clit. I think her favourite thing would be to feel their legs trembling and have them cry out her name. She would moan while doing so. She’d be very proud if she managed to just make them cum over and over like that.

Very good at sensing when her partner feels good. A bit shy when it comes to her own pleasure.

She takes a lot of time to cum, because she’s embarrassed mostly and doesn’t easily let go. Sometimes she doesn’t. Not to say she doesn’t enjoy it, but sometimes it happens you know.

She’s really put off by very dirty dirty talk. Again, she’d like praise and encouragements.

She likes seeing hickeys on her and her partner, but gets embarrassed after.

Would love anything that has to do with senses, like blindfolds, cold and hot play, that kind of thing.

She’d love to use toys too. Just to try.

Kaguya x reader HCs (NSFW)

So I’ll be honest I don’t have a lot of HCs for her.

I think she’s some very dramatic, cryptic alien lady. Sleeping with her would be something quite eerie and weird.

I’m thinking that her partner, after all that’s happened, could be a maid, or just some companion lady that lives there (I don’t know the proper term for it in english and I can’t find it so let’s just hope you guys see what I mean) → Lady in waiting?

I’m thinking that it could definitely happen like this. It would strictly be something physical and overall wouldn’t happen a lot. Like someone that sometimes tends to lady Kaguya’s needs.

Now there’s some power she has over them but she wouldn’t force anything on anyone.

I can’t help but think that she’d be a private person and would only let someone pleasure her, and then go on about her life. Nothing else.

Now, I could be wrong, I do think she has the potential to be a very intense steady lover.

I think she might also be able to take the lead and teach things to a younger maid she’s taken a liking to.

In that case she might be the type to not say much, take her partner’s hands and just guide them very slowly. She’d talk them through it but would have them tell her what they want. What they’d like to do to her.

I feel like she’d love her partner’s hands a lot. Just get down and dirty and have them holding onto her or their hands pleasuring her and caressing her.

Just putting it out there, I do feel like she’d be seduced by someone passionate but pretty discreet and very respectful.

I feel like she’d take her time licking someone’s body all over and praise them a lot.

I also feel like she’d like her partner to get on top of her while they’re both sitting outside. Make out and talk with them.

Very very intense eye contact obviously. She’s a bit scary. But she’d reassure her partner. It would feel a bit cold though I will say that.

Overall doesn’t cum easily herself and isn’t horny that much. But will indulge from time to time.

But my question is, would she tie someone up with her hair?

Did it end up being as long as the rest of the bunch? I am a fraud and I want some.

Konan x reader HCs (NSFW)

Ah ah sit on my face.

Konan is not a very sexual person. At least to me. It gets very melancholic if you can call sex that.

I think she’d have to trust the person she’s with.

I think she’d like slow and sensual sex. That being said, she could also go for rawer, harsher sex. It depends on her mood. If she feels very very upset or worried she’ll go for the latter in order to let go for a while. She won’t necessarily take the lead there though. But she will ask for that.

No but once that’s started, she’d be pretty adventurous with her S/O though.

Adventurous as in she could try tying them up or use toys. She would try to have sex in unusual places too. Nothing public though.

I feel like she could tease a partner. She has the potential.

Likes to have someone use both their tongue and fingers on her.

Definitely likes to sit on people’s face. Definitely likes to have her partner sit on hers. I feel like she would love 69.

I feel like she’d love small titties. But that’s not necessarily true.

She’d also be into kissing. She’d like to kiss people’s scars/stretch marks. Kiss their neck, shoulders, hands. I feel like she wouldn’t necessarily bite or leave hickeys. It would be a very light touch of her lips, everywhere.

I think she’d be one to praise a partner a lot. Confidence boost to be honest.

I feel like she could use her paper clones during sex.

I definitely think that she could get Pein to join. Sad sex galore though. It’s intense, passionate but also, you’d feel out of place at first. But I’m getting carried away.

I feel like she’d have sex in her bath too.

I feel like she could like a partner that can sometimes let go and give her control over them but that wouldn’t be opposed to doing that themselves. She’s all about reciprocation and equal give and take situations.

I think she tastes good and smells nice.

Tenten x reader HCs (NSFW)

Ah yes, the girlfriend.

Tenten is a more dominant partner. I do not take criticism.

Queen of taking care of pillow princesses. She’d love that. She wants her partners to feel great and that just gets her going.

But do I even need to say that she would use toys on her and her partners? Definitely less known ones too. Let her, she’s an expert.

She’s very strong, she can lift you up and eat you out right then and there. Just watch her.

I feel like she’d want to try out very intricate positions with her partner. Think of any position where her parner isn’t touching the ground or has their head upside down. Nah but she lift anyone up come on.

She wouldn’t really care for lingerie though. It’s a bit disapointing if you made an effort. She’s just pulling it of without even taking a look.

I feel like she’d be very funny and light hearted during sex. kinky but make it casual.

I think she’d like having sex after training or working. I think it definitely makes her horny.

I think she’d get pretty nasty but would still keep it very light, like she could spit on your pussy and start eating it like it’s the best thing she’s ever done/had but still would laugh and talk while doing so WHAT IS IT ABOUT SPITTING AND THESE HEADCANONS I SWEAR

I think she’d ask her partner if they like what she’s doing a lot and then tease them.

I feel like she’d be very quick to pick up on someone’s more hidden kinks too. She’d play along just because she wants them to have a good time. She’s pretty open, she’s ready to hear and try lots of things.

I feel like she’d love to have someone eat her out while she’s standing. She likes feeling their hands keep her steady and pulling their hair a bit.

I feel like she’d be good at aftercare and making anyone feel satisfied.

Would have quickies and would have very very long sessions, she’s ok with anything. She has the stamina.

Again I do see her as someone who’d manhandle their partner a bit. She’d warn them and pick up their mood quite quickly too. If they need very fast and raw sex, she’s here to provide.

A pleaser more than anything I think.

#kakuzu x reader #konan x reader #kaguya x reader #tenten x reader #tsunade x reader #hinata x reader #naruto imagines #naruto headcanons #Kakuzu #Konan #kaguya otsutsuki #Tenten #Tsunade #hinata hyuga #we do not proof read we die like men #Honestly I do not know what this is #but there you go

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detectivesvu · 3 years

Text

Another Round (pt.2)

Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader

Warnings: None.

A/N: Part 1 is here :)

Word Count: 1,761

“You’re better than this. You’ve told me before, these things happen.”

The next few weeks passed by casually. Your job continued as it always did. New customers as well as your regulars came in for drinks for all kinds of reasons. You didn’t even know it was possible, but you were now enjoying your job so much more than you already did. Especially knowing that Rafael would be in every week. You weren’t sure if it was a coincidence or not, but he seemed to be coming in more and more often.

You had to admit, you were growing rather fond of him and very quickly to say the least. Suddenly, you found yourself hoping to see him every time the door to the bar opened. Every straight scotch you served to other customers was known in your mind as “Rafael’s usual”. You had a connection with him that you wanted to explore. Which is why you had taken him up on his offer. The morning after your first real encounter with him, you sent him a simple text. It didn’t establish anything serious. It was just a plain “good morning” text with a little sweet message thanking him for taking the time from his busy workload to chat with you.

You had expected to get a response later that afternoon, considering that his mornings were probably extremely hectic. However, you were pleasantly surprised when you received a reply only a few short minutes after. He returned the thanks and began a little small talk conversation along with a few more get to know you questions to break the through-the-screen ice. It wasn’t until the next day that you began discussing plans to possibly get dinner sometime. He wasn’t shy to admit that he wanted to take you on a proper date once things settled down within the case he was still plugging away at.

Your schedules differed heavily. You worked ungodly late hours and he was never really off the clock. If he was working, you were off and if you were working, he was semi-off. So, for now, your in person interactions were limited to the bar you considered your second home. That was fine for now, but eventually you’d tire of only seeing him at your place of work. You couldn’t wait until this case was over.

He had mentioned briefly in one of your text conversations that in many aspects of his life, his work was above all else. You didn’t love that statement for a couple of reasons. For starters, how would that affect your relationship if you decided to pursue something serious? Secondly, how serious was he willing to take things between you and him? And lastly, that made you extremely worried for him as a whole. You couldn’t imagine always feeling like the bottom could drop out at any given moment. You wondered how many forgotten dinners and lovers he had previously.

Despite your concerns, the way you felt about him seemed to outweigh anything else. A testament to this was when he walked into the bar around 9:00 PM on Thursday night. It was particularly busy for a regular weekday. Naturally, Fridays and Saturdays were when you were slammed with customers. You usually had to have a partner behind the bar with you to stay on top of things. You were busy, but not so much that you failed to see him enter through the door.

You smiled brightly, a warm sensation tingling through your limbs. Your smile was quick to fade, however, when you saw his drooped shoulders and blank expression. You were puzzled at this, because he had been perfectly fine earlier in the day. He took an available seat at the middle of the bar, offering a slight smile once you were able to tend to him.

“Hey, Rafael,” You greeted cheerily, but with a worried tone; “You okay?”

He opened his mouth to speak, but his attention was caught to the TV that was above you. The late night news was on and your heart sank at the headline. Barba had lost the case he had been working on for so long. He buried his face into his palms and groaned;

“Turn it off. Change the channel. Anything, please.” He begged.

You reached for the remote under the bar, switching to some Thursday night NFL game. The other men in the bar cheered at the sight, which was good because they’d be content until their beers emptied out. You had a couple minutes until then.

“I’m sorry, Raf.” You comforted.

His heart skipped a beat at the use of his nickname, but even that wasn’t enough to boost his spirits. He shook his head in defeat, watching as you poured him a scotch straight without any previous instruction.

“I really thought we had it. I really did,” He confessed, taking the glass into his hand; “I should have won. The damn defense can go to hell for all I care.”

You shifted your weight onto one hip, hand pressed, and arm extended against the bar. What else were you supposed to say? You didn’t have much experience with lawyers fresh off of a hard loss. He looked so tired and so empty. His hair was tousled out of its usual neatness. The dark circles under his eyes were much more prominent. Overall, he just looked so...disappointed.

“Rafael,” You began to say, stunned at how hard he was beating himself up; “You’re better than this. You’ve told me before, these things happen.”

It was true. The week after he had asked you about your favorite story, you decided to cautiously ask him about his. Shockingly, it was the first case that he had lost as an attorney. Of course, he had not wanted to lose. Not even at all. But he told you how he worked sun up to sun down to make sure the defendant went down for what he did. In the end, the guy walked free. As discouraged as he was, he explained how he learned a lot about life just by that experience alone. He told how he suddenly realized that there were two sides to his profession. One of them was never pretty.

He sipped his scotch, eyes trained on the amber colored liquid as he let it swirl around the sides and splash back into the center. His head was lowered as he let himself become consumed with what ifs.

“Please, listen to me,” You requested softly. You continued once his eyes were on you; “You did absolutely everything you could. This isn’t a reflection of your abilities as a counselor.”

He was quick with his answer, but no change to his expression;

“Isn’t it, though?” He asked.

“No, it’s not. One loss doesn’t-”

You were interrupted by a loud voice calling for a refill at the other side of the bar. Looks like your couple minutes were up. You put your conversation on pause, briskly walking to the man with the empty beer mug.

“Same as before?” You questioned the man with a hospitable smile.

He confirmed your question as refilled his mug as well as the other men in need of refills. Rafael watched intently as you interacted with the other customers. You had quite the undeniable charm and outgoing personality. No wonder you had so many regular customers. He had been thinking about you pretty much every free second he had. He wanted to learn all about you. He was amazed with how content you were with working at a bar. Customer service workers? Not always the happiest people on the planet.

He adored your positivity. He couldn’t wrap his head around how caring you were towards complete strangers that walked into your bar everyday. How you were able to know when someone had a terrible burden on their conscience was a mystery to him. He found himself wondering if you ever took the time to check on and take care of yourself. How did you handle the weight of the problems of others that you took on without hesitation?

You returned to Rafael shortly after;

“As I was saying: one loss doesn’t define you. You’ll move on from this with time. You’ll heal with it. Then you’ll be ready to bury the next guy.” You encouraged.

For the first time all day, Rafael offered a real smile. One that was like a window to see into the real man with a heart of gold. He was an amazing human being. If only everyone could be like him.

“You have a lot of faith in a man just coming from a brutal loss.” He stated.

You grinned;

“Of course. I have the utmost confidence in my favorite counselor.”

His cheeks went red at your kind words. As incompetent as he felt in this moment, hearing you so proud of him was heartwarming. You refilled his empty glass and tended to the other customers at the bar for a few minutes. He watched as you bounced expertly from person to person, mixing drinks like you did it in your sleep. As the even later hours were approaching, the more and more your conversation was being interrupted. Your busy part of the shift was coming fast, so he had to act fast.

“When is your next night off?” Rafael asked over the loud hum of the now crowded bar.

You had a shaker in one hand and a glass in the other, your eyes darted to the ceiling in thought before responding;

“Sunday. Why?” You replied back, hoping he was about to ask what you thought he was about to.

“How about dinner on Sunday? Just you and me.” He offered a real date.

Your smile returned brighter than ever as you poured the drink from the shaker into the glass;

“Sure. 6:30?” You suggested.

He grimaced, but gave a rebuttal back;

“How about 7:00?”

“Deal. It’s a date,” You agreed; “Italian?”

He shrugged;

“Fine by me,” He smiled; “See you then.”

You nodded, dancing over to the opposite end of the bar to continue working. Whether it was the rush from all the customers around the bar or the joy from finally being able to go on a date, your heart was racing in your chest. He exited the bar after smiling at you once more and leaving a tip. He walked down the sidewalk away from your bar, head full and heart happy. He left you behind with a hard blush along with your bottles, glasses, cups, and more.

It was just the beginning for the counselor and his favorite bar tech.

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x female reader #law and order svu #law and order barba #law and order fanfiction

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scripttorture · 3 years

Note

I have a weird scenario and i want to ask about its implications, mostly focusing on soliditary confinement aspects. So I am writing about this all powerful being who is immortal+eternally youthful (with a human like mind) who gets trapped in basically a big snowglobe created by his powers. Its a big mostly open space set inside a forest with a magic mansion to occupy him and provide him basic needs and the limits of the globe are very defined. {1/4}

{Weird anon} After some time alone he comes to create a friend to accompany him and make sure everything goes well during his absence using his powers. This friend can and does leave for periods of time to fullfill his duties but comes back. The being also realises during his imprisonment his powers dwindle with time and the globe starts to get smaller as he starts to age, meaning he will either die from old age or the globe shrinking. {2/4} {WA}After what he thinks must be a long time, his graying hair biggest indication, kids who knew about his legend come to discover him. They then bring him their older sibling, then their parents to talk and after some plot he gets to get some of his powers back and be free. (Posting my questions in the last part) {3/4} {WA} I was wondering if the confinement area being comfy and big, him having this friend would help during confinement? How could he react to aging/idea of dying? Although this isnt very possible in RL, could the fact he had to create this friend ,but mostly the fact he would have no one else if he didnt, get to him? How could he interract with kids/people who found him, i know people tend to have difficulty with interractions after time. Ty for your help! {4/4} {WA EXTRA} Forgot to mention these but 3 kids are 10 to 12, older sibling is 14-15, parents are mid thirties . Again, thank you for your time.

That’s an interesting fantasy scenario (and not even close to the weirdest thing I’ve been asked) thank you for sharing it :)

I think the first thing to grasp is that this character isn’t constantly in solitary confinement here and that’s a smart writing choice. You’ve got the character creating at least one companion and even though that companion isn’t always present that means it’s likely they’re both getting at least 1-2 hours of contact most of the time.

That doesn’t mean this isn’t a stressful situation and it doesn’t mean there are no periods of solitary confinement.

But it gives you leeway to make the effects of this fairly realistic even with the fantasy concept.

Having a big, comfortable space doesn’t really make a difference to how well people deal with isolation. Socialising is a physical need for social species like humans. But the presence of a companion makes the world of difference.

I think the first thing to decide is exactly how long it takes him to make his companion. A lot of people really overestimate the time we can withstand isolation.

For reference the safe period is about a week. After that most people will start to show symptoms and the symptoms are a lot more likely to persist after release. A month is more then enough time for the character to be seriously effected. A year is a really extreme amount of time. And by the time you start getting to multiple years the chances of suicide attempts are… significant.

With the kind of story you’re describing I get the impression you want long term effects but don’t want symptoms etc to take over the story. I think 1-3 months is a perfect time frame for that. The character would develop long term symptoms but it’s still in the realm where it’s survivable. Which means it’s less likely to take over the whole narrative.

You’ve probably seen my masterpost on solitary confinement but here it is again just in case :) I really recommend Shalev’s Sourcebook on Solitary Confinement which is linked as one of the sources on the post.

As with the symptoms of torture more generally you’ve got some scope to choose symptoms because not everyone will experience every single symptom. There’s still some debate about how common individual symptoms are. However broadly depression and anxiety seem to be very common and hallucinations are less common (though they seem to become more likely the longer someone is confined). It’s a good idea to pick a mix of physical and psychological symptoms.

If you choose insomnia as a symptom remember that sleep deprivation also causes problems which you can read about in the masterpost here.

If this is your first time writing something like this then picking out symptoms can be daunting. I try to think of it in terms of what adds to the story. I try to consider the characters, plot and overall themes. Symptoms that give you opportunities to show aspects of the character’s personality, change their relationship with other characters, highlight themes in the story and/or create interesting problems in the plot later on are all good picks.

It’s also important to consider what you’re comfortable writing and what you feel able to write. If you don’t want to write self harm for example that’s a perfectly good reason for ruling out that symptom.

I have a post that outlines my process for picking symptoms that might be helpful for you. :)

I think that brings us round to the more fantasy side of the questions.

I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know how people generally deal with the idea that they’re going to die soon. I suspect that there’d be a lot of individual variation. I think you’ll get the best answers by looking up charities that support people with terminal illnesses.

I found a couple of links at Marie Curie that might serve as a starting point. There’s this page on palliative care. This general page (with lots of links and first hand accounts) of living with a terminal illness. You might find this page about emotionally processing a terminal diagnosis helpful.

I would treat the emotional issues around the created companion the same as a character who is reliant on only one person for their social needs. Which can put a lot of weird strains on a relationship.

I’m not a psychologist and what I say here is based on impressions I gained from interviews with people who are very isolated. If you see a mental health professional or someone who studies isolation more seriously saying something different take their word over mine. Because my reading and knowledge is broad rather then deep.

Relying on one person for all your social needs isn’t healthy. We all have different needs and it’s a lot easier for those needs to be met when we’re interacting with more then one person. Being entirely reliant on one person puts a lot of pressure on that person. It can make it seem like any problems or issues the more isolated person has are the other person’s fault.

Because they’re not magically meeting all of someone’s needs. And I say ‘magically’ because it’s almost impossible for one person to do the ‘job’ of a dozen people.

There can be a lot of guilt, resentment and anger floating around in this sort of dependant relationship. Even when both parties are genuinely trying their best and trying to be healthy.

Any depressive period or severe mood swing on the part of the reliant character might be interpreted as failure by the companion. As if it’s their job to ‘fix’ the mental health problems he has. And that can lead to a lot of internalised guilt and shame.

Conversely being aware of how dependant he is could make the confined character resent the comparative freedom of his companion. They get to leave. They’ll survive the end of this snow-globe. They’ve never had to be alone as he was.

The companion has a lot of power in this scenario because the confined character is entirely reliant on them. They also have the power to leave. Knowing that can breed resentment, whether it’s rational or not. And if it’s irrational and ‘undeserved’ that can lead to a degree of self hatred and guilt.

For both parties anger at each other and the situation seems likely. Not necessarily all the time but I think it’s likely to come up over and over again.

The companion has their own desires and wants. But the confined character is entirely dependant on them and may well expect them to drop everything to help him/meet his socialisation needs. And the thing is that’s unfair on both of them, because the situation is unfair.

That’s not a critique of the story. It’s unfair for the confined character to expect the companion to be able to meet all his needs and to drop everything to help him. But it’s also not unreasonable for the confined character to grasp at his only option for fulfilling a fundamental need.

I think that if you wanted to treat this ‘realistically’ then it would lead to a pretty unhealthy co-dependant relationship however much both characters tried to avoid that.

But you do have the ability to reduce or avoid that in your story. Because you choose the rules for how this companion feels, acts and behaves.

The confined character may be human-like but in a lot of ways the companion does not have to be. A realistic human-like person would not be able to support all the social needs of another person. But there’s no reason the companion has to be that human.

If you do choose to deviate from a more human-like character I think my advice would be to think through any changes you make logically. And be consistent. If for instance the character can’t feel angry or resentful towards their creator think through what that might mean.

Which leaves the final question about interacting with others and how difficult that can be after periods of isolation.

The exact way this effects interactions depends chiefly on the symptoms you pick out and the character’s personality.

Generally mentally ill people do not want to be assholes or upset other people. But we do tend to have greater difficulties interacting with people and our social interactions can go badly in ways that healthy people don’t tend to experience.

For instance say we have a character who has a severe anxiety disorder and this disorder is often set off by noises they don’t expect. That’s a fairly common symptom and a fairly common trigger for it.

That means that kids running around, shouting or just talking loudly about something that excites them, could set off an anxiety attack.

Some people would get angry in that situation. Because they’re in pain and, even though they did not mean to, those kids ‘caused’ that pain.

Some people would abruptly remove themselves from the situation. Which could leave the kids wondering why/how they upset their new friend so much.

Some people would stick around and not blame the kids. But they might have visible signs of their anxiety attack that could be very frightening for a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on. If an adult they care about suddenly starts shaking and breathing hard and needs to sit down and looks pale- Well worry is natural. And it’s difficult to explain triggers/mental health problems while you’re in the middle of an anxiety attack.

So there’s a set of issues that are symptom driven and around the extra difficulties interacting while mentally ill. There’s also a set of issues around… basically forgetting how to socialise.

This doesn’t necessarily mean being age in-appropriate.

I think the best way to think about it is a combination of finding it harder to interpret other people’s emotional cues and being less aware of the cues they’re sending out themselves. It might take longer for the character to realise they’ve upset someone or they might misidentify the other person’s emotional response.

They might also think less before they speak. Which can mean things like- I guess not moderating what they say to account for other people’s feelings? They might come across as blunt or thoughtless or scatter brained as they jump from one topic to another. They might also have less of a grasp of when to give the other person space and let them speak.

The biggest thing I see survivors of solitary report is that normal social interaction makes them much more anxious/nervous then it did before they were confined. Socialising has a bigger ‘cost’ then before, in terms of energy and emotional impact.

And this often means they withdraw from it more quickly. They need to take breaks. Or they start getting more stressed and frustrated.

I think the main thing to navigate here would be how to explain these conditions and needs to children in a way that doesn’t seem like it’s blaming the kids. Which is certainly possible, but can take some time and care to get right.

I think I’ll leave it there and if you’ve got any further questions drop them in when the ask box reopens. I hope that helps :)

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#writing advice #tw torture #tw suicide #tw self harm #tw cancer #fantasy ask #solitary confinement #effects of solitary confinement #isolation #writing survivors #torture survivors and relationships #unhealthy relationships #terminal illness #writing symptoms

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grimmradiance · 3 years

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The dreamers? 👀

Okay so here’s hoping there isn’t a secret character limit on ask responses because Hoo Boy, I Have Lost Control Of This Ask.

Monomon

A. realistic

Monomon is super hyperempathetic--that’s part of the reason the Foggy Canyon is the way it is. She’s surrounded by other creatures that prefer to simply exist, who are fine with being left alone, but also don’t mind if she or that odd heavy bug she adopted gives them a little pat on the way past. That’s also the reason Quirrel is so good with a nail--Monomon could channel the powers of lightning and/or explosions that other jelly creatures seem to have, but emotionally? imagine the toll.

B. not realistic but hilarious

She has NO sense of scale whatsoever. None. Most bugs in Hallownest measure things against their height, since a bug’s shell is rigid and generally about the same length all the time, but since Monomon is 70% jelly by volume, she tends to measure herself like a cat or a mouse would, by the amount of space she needs to fit into places. This makes Quirrel’s life...unusual, to say the least. She gets stuck places sometimes.

C. heart-wrenching

If she’s hyperempathetic, imagine how she fucking feels about Quirrel and the Hollow Knight. I can’t even go off on a three paragraph rant on this one it just makes me HURT. Quirrel being sent to the Howling Cliffs for No Thoughts Crystalline Memories Empty treatment was probably her best attempt at mercy. God. I’m never gonna be over these sad fucking bugs.

D. it’s my canon and I choose what parts of it matter

Monomon is a very, very clever conversationalist. She knows how to talk in just such a way that you feel like you’re being heard and understood, until you suddenly realized you’ve said something aloud you really shouldn’t, and Monomon says “don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul.”

And then, of course, she tells Quirrel, because what is knowledge for if not to be shared? The two of them could totally take down the structure of the White Palace if they were on the same page about how to go about it.

Herrah

A. realistic

This is more about Deepnest in general, but the Weavers prefer to be left to their own devices, and leave other groups of insects to theirs. I mean, look at the Weaverlings from the Weaver’s Song charm. They’re the only companion charm that doesn’t actively target enemy bugs, they just sort of...wibble around. And they’re a relic of the Weavers as they moved towards the heart of Deepnest. The dangerous, heavily-trapped and hypervigilant Deepnest we see is a product of outside interference, presumably the Pale King being salty that the Weavers didn’t accept his rule.

B. not realistic but hilarious

Herrah didn’t just teach Hornet to be a persnickety little anarchist terror in the White Palace, oh no. She tried to teach Quirrel to be a feral little gremlin too. I mean, most of it didn’t stick, but she tried.

C. heart-wrenching

You know that one Tumblr post that’s basically “sorry, all the nice queers are gone, you killed them, so now it’s just us pissed-off cockroach motherfuckers left”? That’s what happened to Deepnest. What kind of peaceful or uninvolved society would need anything fucking like the Midwife or the Devouts? Well, they’re perfectly good to have around if peace is no longer an option. Every once in a while I just lose it thinking about all the culture the Weavers probably had preserved through their tapestries, and how much of it must have gotten destroyed along the way.

Also bonus round for Sad And/Or Horrifying Implications regarding Hornet: most spiders lay hundreds or thousands of eggs at a time. I don’t have the time to even START unpacking Hornet’s distinct lack of siblings (as in specifically not half-siblings).

D. it’s my canon and I choose what parts of it matter

slaps my little hands on the table. Even as everything was going to shit, Vespa and Herrah were still good friends, and sent letters to each other over the Stagways. She got to know a number of Vespa’s subjects very well, including the Hive Knight. Silksong better give us more lore on them.

Lurien

A. realistic

The Pale King loved having Lurien around because Lurien was half of TPK’s charisma. TPK very much seems the type to get wound up in his own thoughts and image, constantly micromanaging it to get the best response from specific people. (Unrelated, but I think only the Hollow Knight knows what TPK is really like, since if TPK really did believe Hollow had no mind and no voice, why would he bother? People make that exact assumption all the time with disabled people anyways, I am sick of my peers realizing I have a disability and changing the way they act around me send tweet This is a whole other post, maybe I’ll write it another time.) So who better is there to have around than someone whose hobby and greatest skill is watching a situation and analyzing it? Once the Dreamers were sealed, TPK’s public image was fucked, no doubt about it.

B. not realistic but hilarious

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned Autistic Lurien before but he is in my head, so branching off of my own experiences: this guy is the KING of Relatable Lapses Of Insight. This man has drunk paint water before on accident. This man has tried to sit on a stack of tablets and knocked himself over. This man will spend three minutes explaining how light reflection works to try and convey the word he’s forgetting. (The word he’s forgetting is “mirror.”) I care him so much.

C. heart-wrenching

I cannot overexaggerate how fucking brilliant of a meta-narrative choice the existence of Lurien’s butler is. I *cannot.* I am perpetually in awe of how good Hollow Knight is with environmental storytelling, and how much material it leaves for people who love to dig way too far into things.

Why do I bring this up here? Lurien’s butler is a parallel to Hornet and Quirrel, who are, to Herrah and Monomon, their only concrete link to the present that isn’t at least partially painted over in the Pale King’s propaganda. And he’s been Light-ridden for gods only know how long. The popular fanon about Lurien having it bad for the Pale King always gets me thinking about this, because we have Lurien’s journal as our only source on him. A scarce few lines: his sleep is in service to King and kingdom.

I can’t help but wonder if Lurien chose those words especially deliberately, knowing they would be his last. “Though my gaze falls no longer on this city, I will act forever in its protection,” in a journal carefully hidden in a private building of the City of Tears. Why hide something like that with so much care, unless there was something to be gleaned from it? Well, whatever information we need to know about Lurien to contextualize anything outside of context clues and the King’s image of him would have been with someone who was loyal and trustworthy enough to watch over him. Someone who was loyal and trustworthy enough that that would be all that remained in their mind, even under the Light’s influence.

Basically, what I’m getting at here: I know for a fact there is something we don’t know about Lurien, and whatever that secret is, it died with his butler.

D. it’s my canon and I choose what parts of it matter

Lurien travels! He is very good at making up academic or political excuses for it, but we all know why he’s really leaving the city: to paint. He isn’t quite as skilled with natural features as the regular shapes you see in a city, but he enjoys himself so that’s what matters.

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cowtale-utau · 4 years

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I said I would invade at some point. Listing each prompt wouldn't fit in the box, so could I ask for number 12, 16, 37, 40, and 52 from WII for Doc? And Aurum, too. Not poly. Oh, but I don't mind if you want to include Viridis with Aurum's prompts; I know you like to put those two as part of a poly. Thank you!

Good to see you!

12 S/O is accident prone

Doc – At first he's startled every time you run into something or trip or knock something over. He scolds you over while checking you for injury, fussing over every scrape and bruise. But give it awhile and he doesn't really relax so much as find a more “effective” method. I hope you aren't magic adverse, because you'll experience his a lot. Stumble and you find gravity is much kinder, and purple tinted. Knock something over and it never hits the ground before righting itself. He hardly even thinks about anymore, it's a trained reaction at this point. He rarely even has to look up. You still get a lot of long suffering sighs and flat stares, but it's all good natured.

Aurum – This man is an ass. He will let you get used to a layout and then shift things by six inches, just to watch you bounce of it. Of course he always makes sure you aren't injured, and helps keep you from breaking anything important or meaningful. But just general tripping or stumbles. Breaking yet another hideous vase someone gave you? Hilarious. Vir tries to put things back after Aur moves them, but it's a constant battle, and you are unfortunately in the middle of it. Little known fact, Vir is a damn clever prankster, and knows how to make himself look completely innocent. Ask him to help with revenge and it'll be weeks before Aur is brave enough to screw with either of you again.

16 S/O is tall (so for this one, despite my “relative” heights, I figured I'd make you taller than Doc, and around the same height as Aur, just for funsies)

Doc – Despite accusations, Doc doesn't have a Napoleon Complex in the traditional sense. He's very confident and does not feel the need to lie or exaggerate. He does brag, and loudly, but is also more than capable of backing it up at a moments notice. You being taller than him isn't an issue at all. He pretty much ignores it most of the time. He uses magic to get things from high up, and if he wants to kiss you he demands you lean down. Or just tugs you to his level. Whichever. He has been known to climb on top of things when arguing with people taller than him, and you would be no exception. He will go get something to stand on if necessary. He wants to look you in the eye to make his point.

Aurum – Frequently tells you how nice it is to not have to lean down to kiss you. He really enjoys how imposing the two of you look together. He'll jokingly ask you for piggy-back rides, but if you agree he's absolutely delighted. He makes it kind of difficult though, because he won't stop laughing the entire time. He'll teasingly ask you to get things from the top shelf for him. He buys you heels. If you tell him you don't walk in stilettos, he'll get you platforms instead. He tries to find ways to make you even taller, telling you he wants to be the short one. Like most things, he doesn't take it seriously at all, and has just has fun.

37 S/O gives comfort post nightmare

Doc – If you're close enough to be there to comfort him after a nightmare, then you're close enough for him to confide in. It takes a long time for him to trust you at that level, but when he does, it's absolute. Surprisingly he rarely wakes violently. His nightmares tend to center around loss rather than straight violence. It's rare to ever see him cry, but this is one of those times. He's a quiet crier, and tends to just stare at nothing. Eventually he'll start to talk, telling you not details so much, as just his general fears. His fear of losing you, of losing his brother (again), that he's afraid this “peace” they've found is temporary. Assure him you aren't going anywhere. That even if the world falls apart, you'll still be there. Flint will quietly appear at some point to do the same. It's rare to see Doc's brother so serious, but he sits in quiet solidarity. The two of you have very different relationships with Doc, but you both undeniably love him. Making sure he knows this, and that this won't change, is what matters most right now.

Aurum – Aurum's nightmares tend to go pretty unnoticed most of the time. He certainly has them, but he's gotten very good at hiding it. Now an then however, they can get a bit beyond his control, and he tends to lash out. Magically, physically, he's faced a lot of shit, and his fight instinct is strong. Especially if you happen to be featured in some way. One of his deepest fears is losing his loved ones to something he can't fight. And you fall into that category. Unfortunately there's a chance you'll get caught up in the crossfire. This will absolutely destroy him. Hurting you is something he never wanted to do. He'll try to run, don't let him. It'll take awhile, and some strong words, but make it clear you still love him, and that this changes nothing. He wasn't in control of himself, and just reacted. He didn't mean to hurt you, and that's what matters. He needs reassurance, but even with it he'll beat himself up for awhile. He doesn't want you to fear him. Smack him upside the head, hand him a tea, and tell him to get over it. Acting natural will go along way to reassure him everything is fine between you.

40 S/O overworks to the point of fainting

Doc – Buddy, pal, friend. What are you doing? If you know Doc at all, you know this is a terrible idea. Not only are you in for an earful, but so is everyone you work with. It will only happen once. He won't really understand your limits, or human limits really, all that well at first. Physical bodies are so limiting! But once you collapse, that's not something he'll ever forget, and he'll be making sure it never happens again. If that means hovering and micro managing for a week to make sure you get the message, than so be it. He says it's because you negatively affected productivity, but really he just worries. Humans are so fragile! It's nerve-wracking!

Aurum – Hey now, that's Aur's job! He's peeved with you, but he gets it. He does it fairly often himself. Less over-working, and more continuing to work and forgetting to sleep, but similar enough. He will force both of you to take a few days to rest. He tries to work out some semblance of accountability for in the future, check ins and what not, but ends up just getting Vir to make sure everyone eats and sleeps with some regularity. Which works not at all, seeing as Vir tends to start reading and forget time exists. Ultimately it's something that will probably keep happening, but every time he makes sure you both take a few days completely off to get properly rested again.

52 Finding SO’s writing/art, including some about [character]

Doc – Despite being a control freak, Doc doesn't normally go through your things. Those are your private things, and as long as it's nothing that could harm you or the family, he doesn't care. You're allowed privacy. So if he finds some of your work it's probably at least mostly accidental. Likely he was looking for some paperwork or a project he asked you to work on and happened to find something. Unfortunately now that he's found it, the privacy idea is over. Especially if it's something about or of him. He's quite flattered, and will tell you so. Also, it's his now. Unless you insist it's incomplete, he will keep it. And if you do get it back to “finish it”, he'll insist he gets it back again. He wants to show it off.

Aurum – Aur doesn't believe in other people's privacy. He's curious, nosey, and has next to no sense of “boundaries”, Give him enough shit, or pull the hurt/disappointed card and he'll learn. But until then, he absolutely goes through your things whenever the whim hits him. So obviously he's going to find your work. He won't take any of it, and puts it all back exactly how he found. That doesn't mean he's leaving it alone however. He will make constant subtle references to it, never outright saying he saw, but implying it heavily until you confront him about it. Then he uses that as an excuse to try to get you to show it off. I mean, you made something for/of/about him, he should get to see it right? If you are so inclined, feel free to throw something at him. He knows he deserves it.

These took so long I'm sorry! Lemme know if you want more, I'm happy to provide!

#Cowtale #Headcanons #Doc #Aurum #Swapfell Purple #SFP!Sans #G!Sans #SFP!CT!Sans #G!CT!Sans #cowboy au #undertale #undertale au #asks #what if #imagines #requests

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fleckcmscott · 4 years

Text

Watch What Happens - Chapter 16

Chapter links: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Summary: Arthur, an aspiring comedian, has struggled to find normalcy and compassion his entire life. Y/N, a hard-working paralegal and transplant to Gotham, has just been put on a case for the Wayne Foundation. When they meet, unexpected sparks fly.

Chapter warning: Swearing

Words: 2,328

Five years ago, Y/N had gone to a Class of 1959 reunion. It had served as her last attempt at connecting to and fitting in with her hometown. And it had given her a break from tending to her father. All the evening had done, however, with its inane conversations about high school football, wallet and purse photos of her classmates' children, and constant questions about her divorce, was cement her conviction that she needed to get the fuck out of dodge.

At the Wayne benefit, she felt that same unfamiliar, out of place sensation, albeit for different reasons. The gown she wore had been the cheapest suitable option she'd found at one of the consignment shops Arthur had shown her on their first date. It was itchy and uncomfortable. The blue sequins drew too much attention to her breasts. And the slit, which started mid-thigh, was too high - she'd tried to make it lower using safety pins, with minor success.

Wayne Hall itself made her uncomfortable. The mahogany woodwork and marble floors in the grand entrance were undeniably beautiful, but felt egregious when contrasted with the people she'd been getting to know while secretly working on the Wayne Foundation case. There were gold fixtures in the bathroom, which was both decadent and ridiculous. (Piss was piss, even if it rested momentarily in a fancy toilet bowl.) Just one of those faucets probably would have covered a month's worth of expenses for most Gotham residents. Her mind went to the humble apartment of Ms. McPhee and what the Wayne Foundation was trying to do to her. And then, inevitably, her pondering went to Arthur.

It was hard to think about him without pangs of conscience. For the first time since getting to know him, in spite of their discernible differences in education, opportunity, and income, their relationship felt imbalanced. She didn't like it. But if she told him his apartment building was involved in her 'big Wayne case,' she had no idea how he'd react. He was already dealing with so much, too much for one person. Ms Fleck's precarious health, Franklin humiliating him on television, being cut off from his medications and, presumably, any other care he'd been getting. It was awful to hide this from him, though, even as she believed she was protecting him.

She hadn't heard from him today. Their nightly call would come after the gala, but she'd reached out at lunch and before she left the office when he hadn't popped by as she'd invited. Her messages had gone unanswered. She tried to remind herself he had his own life, that she'd been with him the night before as they'd stood next to Ms. Fleck's hospital bed. But he'd been, understandably, so upset after being made fun of. And more withdrawn than usual. That concerned her, despite his reassurances he'd be all right.

Y/N had stopped by Gotham General before the gala, hoping to see him. He hadn't been there. At least the nurse had said she'd seen Arthur for a little while that morning. The doctor wouldn't give her any update on Ms. Fleck's condition, since she wasn't family. But Y/N had managed to pop into her room, see that she still hadn't woken up, and wish her well.

While she sat there, in the front row of the second mezzanine of Wayne Hall’s theater, she tried to distract herself by focusing on the film. But as she watched Chaplin's "Modern Times," she wished Arthur was sitting next to her instead of Matt. While she wasn't enjoying the movie, she was certain he would have loved it, along with the live orchestra playing along. She knew he didn't get out often, something she was determined to change. In her mind's eye, she could picture him there, dressed up and handsome as ever, smiling and laughing. She'd reach over and trace the veins on the back of his hand. (She knew that simple touch would set her on fire.) In response, he'd smirk at her and give her side-eye. She wondered if he'd be willing to sneak off somewhere and -

Groaning, she shook her head. Would he even want to be there if he knew what she was concealing from him?

Patricia, who was sitting on her other side, must have noticed her slight distress. "Let's go get a drink," she said in her ear.

"You read my mind," Y/N said, rising.

As they maneuvered to leave, Matt grasped Y/N's arm gently. "Where are you going?" he whispered, glancing back and forth between them, bewildered. "You're going to miss the ending!"

Patricia answered for her. "The ladies room."

Matt blinked at them, then let go. "Oh. Well, enjoy the facilities. The tickets were $500 a piece."

"$500 a piece?" Y/N couldn't stop her mouth from gaping. As Patricia began to pull her up the aisle to the exit, she continued, half to herself. "That's more than my rent."

As they walked down the stairs, her heels scrapping across the ornate carpet, Y/N was glad to see the reception area was mostly empty. There were a few tuxes and gowns, though, mingling. She turned to Patricia. "I need to limit myself to two drinks. Or I'll do something stupid and get myself fired," Y/N said as they approached the bar. "I decided you were right, by the way. I'm not telling Arthur about the motion." She sighed heavily. "He's going to figure out something is up, though. I don’t know if I can sleep with him when I'm hiding something."

"Why punish him? He's not the liar." Patricia said, sitting on a corner stool. After ordering champagne for them both, she pursed her lips. "You're unhappy about keeping it from him. I could have been wrong."

Playing with the stem of her champagne coupe, Y/N leaned against the bar. "No. I can't say anything.” She thought about what he’d confided to her. And that there was still a lot she didn’t know. "He's strong. I can tell he's had to be. But he's stretched thin." A bitter laugh left her. "I don't think he's had anyone to help him before. He doesn't seem to know what to do with it."

Patricia put her clutch purse on her lap. "How's his mother doing?"

Y/N shrugged. "There were no changes when I checked in earlier." After sipping her drink, she checked her watch. "How much longer do you think I have to stay here? I want to go home and get out of this itchy thing," she said, scratching her side. "And call him."

"Probably another hour or two."

At Patricia's reply, Y/N rolled her eyes. They sat together, sipping their drinks quietly. When some minutes had passed and Patricia had finished her champagne, Y/N said, "You should go back. Matt's going to wonder where we are if we're both gone any longer. Tell him I'm having my monthly. He'll leave me alone then." She looked around, surveying the few people milling about. "I'm going to try to schmooze, badly, and I don't want you implicated."

Patricia snorted lightly as she stood. "Yes, ma'am." Before leaving, she gave Y/N a serious look. "I know how upset you are at what's happening. But don't be too rash. You don't want to step into anything. Yet."

Y/N waited until Patricia had disappeared up the stairs and behind a corner, then she sat down and faced the room. There were mostly couples. A few were recognizable: the current mayor and his wife, the head of Gotham's Savings, even the Gotham Ballet director and the current prima ballerina, who'd been splashed all over the tabloids because of their affair. The longer she sat and tried to find a target, the more she considered what a bad idea this was. She turned back to the bar and ordered a Sidecar.

In her peripheral vision, two men approached the other end of the bar. They were already in the middle of wrapping up their conversation when her ears perked up. "...paperwork for the construction plans will be over within the next couple weeks. We're looking to start next fall, before the election."

Closing her eyes, she concentrated on each syllable, not wanting to miss anything. The other man spoke now. "You want construction over three blocks, right? Anderson Avenue to Monaghan Street?"

"Yes," the first man replied. "We're working on getting the land rights now."

Holy shit.

The man waiting for the paperwork extended his hand. "It'll be a pleasure working with the Wayne Foundation," he said. "And you, Mr. Mancuso."

As the two shook hands, Y/N tried to nonchalantly wave at the bartender. Her growing excitement made subtlety more difficult than it should have been. "Send that guy," she said, pointing at Mr. Mancuso," a...whiskey on the rocks. Tell him it's from me." The bartender nodded. She then looked down at the safety pins in her dress and tried to discreetly remove one or three.

Watching demurely, she saw the bartender serve the drink, then indicate her with a gesture. Mr. Mancuso looked pleasantly surprised as he approached. He rested against the bar, about a foot from her. When he spoke, his delivery and voice were smooth. "How'd you know my favorite drink?"

She looked up at him. He was blandly handsome, but he didn't compare to the man she'd been longing to see the entire day. "Well..." Y/N hadn't thought this far ahead. But the smile on his face and her own nervous energy encouraged her to be daring. "I couldn't help but overhear you talking about business when we're supposed to be having fun and the libations are free."

He put a finger to his lips. "Ah. That was supposed to be a secret."

"It's safe with me." Y/N put out her glass for a toast, which he accepted. "But now you've got me interested," she said, smiling wryly.

Mr. Mancuso gave her a wink. "I really shouldn't be speaking about this with anyone. Especially a pretty stranger at a bar."

Playing the flirt was going better than she’d expected. She was grateful for all the recent experience Arthur had given her. "If you didn't want to, wouldn't you have left already?"

Taking a drink, he shook his head. Then, after what seemed to Y/N to be some consideration, he spoke. "The Wayne Foundation wants to open a medical center uptown. I'm coordinating it."

"Really? Why?"

"We want to help people. We're just trying to get the lots at the present time."

"I can appreciate that," she said, sipping her cocktail. She crossed her legs, trying to expel the anxiousness in her limbs. "Helping people is something we should all do. But don't people live at the addresses you mentioned?"

Mr. Mancuso's eyes narrowed. "You're asking a lot of questions. Are you a reporter?"

Chuckling, Y/N tried to hide the realization she needed to pull back. "No," she said and offered her hand, trying to think of a pseudonym. "Sharon. Sharon Kowlinska."

The name sounded fake to her own ears, but he was either charmed or buzzed enough to believe it. "Anthony Mancuso." Instead of shaking her hand as she’d anticipated, he kissed it. "Nice to meet you, Miss. Kowlinska."

Y/N fought the urge to wipe the back of her hand on her dress. "Likewise."

Anthony sat on the nearest stool and leaned into her, putting his arm on the bar. "There aren't many people there. At least, that's the position we're taking." Now that it was out, he seemed glad to be talking about the project and proud of the work he was doing. "We're negotiating with the current tenants." A scoff left him. "What kind of clowns want to live those shitholes, anyway?"

Y/N had to turn away as she laughed, fighting the urge to wipe the smug expression off his perfect face. Her thoughts turned to Ms. McPhee begging to stay in her home, and how well Arthur took care of his apartment. "Yeah," she said through gritted teeth. "What kind of clowns?"

"With the medical clinic, we'll be able to help thousands of people. It'll be good for Mr. Wayne's mayoral campaign, too. And, as a bonus..." He finished his drink. "We'll be bringing in a lot more money from medical billing than we ever would from rent-controlled housing."

"So what's stopping you?" she asked, biting her lip as she feigned ignorance. "Does Mr. Wayne disapprove?"

Anthony waved the comment off. "He doesn't have any idea what we do. As long as the coffers are full, he signs the papers to move forward. The owners are fighting it. Which is pointless. It'll take time, but we always get what we need for our projects."

Y/N turned to the din of people on the stairs behind her. The movie must have ended. Hoping the impending crowd would let her slip away, she stood. "Looks like my party is on the way. It's been nice chatting with you, Mr. Mancuso."

Before she could take a step, he grasped her wrist. "Wait. I'm stag tonight." He smiled at her. "May I at least have your number?"

Arching a brow at him, she tried to figure out how to disentangle herself from his hand. She rummaged around in her purse for a pen, then grabbed a napkin. The number she jotted down belonged to her dry cleaner. He kissed her cheek when she handed it to him. But at least he let go of her. "Good night, Sharon."

"Yeah. Good night." Y/N weaved through the crowd, then, wiping her face and hunting for Patricia. Finally, after a few minutes, she spotted her, along with Matt, headed to a cocktail table. Hastening her steps, she caught up with them and pulled Patricia away with her.

"I just spoke with the most well-mannered asshole I've ever had the displeasure of interacting with." She started to laugh. "And he wanted to show off so badly, he told me everything."

Tag list (Let me know if you want to be added!): @harmonioussolve @clowndaddyfleck @sweet-nothings04 @stephieraptorr @rommies @invisiblewispofwhimsey @let-the-stars-fall-in-the-abyss

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck fanfic #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck x ofc #arthur fleck x female reader #joker 2019 #watchwhathappens

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1027

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Have you ever hit on a teacher? That’s just cringey. No, I’m glad none of the teachers I ever had did this to me.

Do you tend to eat more on Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas? As far as I know Halloween was never one of those holidays where families go all out and prepare a feast, and we don’t have Thanksgiving over here; which leaves only one option.

Three more days until what? Work again.

Do you know what an 'AMV' is? No but this just reminds me of vehicles because there’s ATVs and there’s also the DMV in the US hahaha. I’m sure this has got nothing to do with cars though.

Trigger warning? Maybe? Idk if it counts.

Who do you not like more: your dentist, your eye doctor, or your doctor? [slight trigger warning] I don’t have a regular any-of-these. The only doctor I ever hated was the one who took my physical exam before I was permitted to enroll in my university, because she had such a negative vibe and just looked like she hated her job. She also went ahead and touched my breasts to check for abnormal bumps - which, as a doctor, I understand is a part of her job, but I would’ve appreciated if she asked permission first. But nope, slid her hand underneath my shirt before I could even realize what was going on.

Why do/don't you like cats? Because they never seemed to like me.

What is your favorite music artist's hair like? Beyoncé’s hair has been brown for most of her career and she’ll either style it in curls, make it wavy, or have it straightened. Hayley’s hair has gone through the entire rainbow.

Do you like Crayola or Rose Art better? Crayola. Rose Art is a joke.

What is your favorite type of dog? Anything that isn’t a chihuahua or pug. Actually pugs are a little ok, since they’re chill. Chihuahuas are the ones I honestly just cannot stand.

Have you ever considered making videos for YouTube? Yessssssss, just never gotten around to it.

What is your favorite type of nut? Hazelnut when it comes to desserts or drinks, but I've never actually tried hazelnuts. My favorite nut to eat is pistachio.

What would you do if it snowed right now? Message everyone I know saying that it’s snowing and take a bunch of photos. It doesn’t snow here, so it would literally be a historical event.

Where would you move, if you would move anywhere? Chicago.

Do you like it when people touch your hair? Sure.

Do you think you have a sad life? For now it kind of is, but I also don’t want to deny the few ups that I’m getting to enjoy, like my job that I genuinely love. It’s the one thing saving me from completely going into a downward spiral, so I’m grateful for it because it’s actually saving my life atm.

Lets say someone calls you at 3 AM and you're sleeping, what do you say? If it’s an unknown number, it’s getting rejected. But as long as I recognize the caller, I’m picking the phone up and answering like normal.

If it was a text would you ignore it or reply? It would depend on how groggy I am.

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T like the POTC movies? It’s not that I dislike the series; I’ve just never been interested in seeing them. Pirates were never really my thing.

What's one award show you have to watch every year? I don’t necessarily have to *watch* the Oscars, but I have always kept track of the winners every year, at least since 2013 or 2014.

What is the last five words you've said out loud? No idea. I’ve been alone for a few hours and haven’t really spoken since.

What subject do you just not get at all? Calculus. How did I even pass that class?

How often do you go shopping just for fun? Used to be once every 1-2 weeks, but I obviously haven’t been able to follow this schedule.

When did you start wearing makeup, if you even do? I started experimenting in high school but it didn’t last long.

What's the show that you can't miss a week of? It used to be The Walking Dead, but I stopped following once they started killing off every character I originally watched the show for.

On that note, what's the worst show on television? I never liked MTV’s shows, like Teen Wolf or Scream.

Who do you like more: the Batman or the Joker? No preference.

How many songs are on your iPod/MP3 player? I had a peak of around 300-400 songs maybe? when I was still using my iPod.

Current book/s you're reading? Not reading anything.

How would you go about making a peach color with paints? I’d probably just buy peach paint, if that’s what I wanted. < lol same, but if I had limited resources I’d look for red, white, and maybe a light orange?

Why do some people like stuffed animals? They’re a comforting presence.

What's your favorite Panic At The Disco album? A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out. < Easy. Vices & Virtues is a very, very close second.

Do you ever feel like no haircut suits your face? Sometimes.

Best time of the day? Evening.

#survey #surveys

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taggedmemes · 5 years

Text

SENTENCE MEME ⟶ PRODIGAL SON / 1.03 always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.

“He is in connection to at least 23 murders.”

“You look stunning today.”

“With our resources, no criminal charge is insurmountable.”

“I thought we had a good life.”

“Mother taught me that marriage is long, that a woman overlooks things, that she makes sacrifices.”

“I would have sacrificed anything for you.”

“That’s why we’ll get through this.”

“Look at this place.”

“You’re never getting out of here.”

“You are going to be in a cage for the rest of your life.”

“After what you did, I will never come back here.”

“You changed the locks?”

“In response to your security upgrade, I would like to remind you that you and that wretched parakeet are merely tenants of the building that I own.”

“Are you alright?”

“It’s about time.”

“Buzz me in, will you?”

“Those restraints are clearly useless.”

“He proved helpful with my casework.”

“So you’re a team now, father and son solving crimes?”

“How sweet for you both.”

“I have no intention of returning.”

“This is exactly what he wants.”

“This is what he has always wanted –– a relationship, to control you, to infect your mind.”

“He does not control me.”

“I just watched you throw yourself out a window.”

“I know you think these memories are real.”

“I enjoy books on tape. Gin also works.”

“There are only two people in this world that can provide the answers I need –– a convicted serial, and you.”

“I have no interest in revisiting the past.”

“For the sake of your mental health, you shouldn’t visit the past.”

“My mental health is just fine.”

“I want new keys tomorrow, or I’m putting in a Panera.”

“My mental health is fractured. It’s eroding, past the point of repair.”

“I shrink you because you tend to barge in unannounced.”

“What your professional opinion on repressed memory?”

“I think he drugged me.”

“In trademark fashion, he has chosen to dance around the truth.”

“In order to preserve any hope of overcoming your PTSD, I would recommend that you stay far away from him as humanly possible.”

“This day just keeps getting better.”

“In the early 19th century, experimental lobotomies produced a similar effect.”

“There may be damage to the brain as well.”

“Cherry, my favorite.”

“I didn’t realize we were exchanging small gifts.”

“Nothing here makes any sense.”

“This points to a pure, perhaps progressive, psychotic break.”

“We may be after a visionary killer.”

“They often convince themselves they’re acting on behalf of a higher power or dissociative voice.”

“God or the devil.”

“The killer cut clean through the man’s skull.”

“The victim’s brain was surgically removed.”

“So, cause of death is no brain?”

“It was like he was scared to death.”

“It’s fascinating how it becomes, um, elegant, really, the evolution of your hypothesis.”

“I just need to find out what that need is.”

“I’m tiring of these phone privileges.”

“The local news remains amateurish.”

“The brain is the arbiter of the human fear response.”

“Fear can be both motivating and debilitating.”

“Fear has always been your particular stumbling block.”

“I catch killers for a living.”

“You’ve always been good at repressing fear, pretending it’s not there.”

“Here we go again with the blame game.”

“You seemed troubled at our last visit.”

“I have no intention of returning.”

“I resent the salacious implication.”

“I can’t get through a family dinner without covering for one of you.”

“I need you to tell him to stop.”

“I’m tired of being in the middle.”

“You know what this could do to your brother.”

“You also taught me to be ashamed of who I am.”

“All I know is what you want me to know.”

“Do you sleep at night?”

“When you close your eyes, do you find peace?”

“Psychedelics impair fear and inhibition.”

“He wants us to understand him, to find him.”

“There’s some things you should know.”

“In large enough doses, it can mimic a psychotic break.”

“The universe is doing this to me.”

“Whack job consultant pushes victim off roof.”

“That’s what removing the brain represents: the destruction of his own mind.”

“No one ordered them to do anything.”

“You held your credentials and authority over their heads.”

“I don’t want my child to continue to throw their life away doing penance for their father’s crime.”

“I imagine the salary leaves something to be desired.”

“Who sent him there in the first place?”

“I thought if he could see what he really was, maybe he would come back to me.”

“[Name] does whatever [name] wants to do.”

“We can’t control him.”

“Speak for yourself.”

“You got the very best of me.”

“I did what I had to do in order to meet those needs, to keep my happy and provide you with the life you wanted.”

“I’m not sure you’re stakeout material.”

“I’m a chronic insomniac.”

“Your rank commands respect.”

“No one has more respect for the badge or the people that wear it than I do.”

“Your case is a real testament to the mind’s capacity to endure trauma.”

“I know the existence of repressed memory is a controversial subject, but I am all for controversy.”

“Who amongst us can qualify any condition of the mind as nonexistent?”

“I have been diagnosed as depressed, generalized anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder –– all linked to fear.”

“A familiar smell can conjure a connected experience like nothing else.”

“If your memories are blocked, it may be because they’re attached to something your subconscious mind is afraid of.”

“The only way to access fear is to face it.”

“He wants you to understand him.’

“This is where he plans to kill you.”

“You’ve been dosed with LSD.”

“The floor’s melting.”

“We have to get you out of here.”

“Front door is locked, going around back.”

“No one else needs to die.”

“This is my response to fear.”

“You can’t outrun fear, you have to move into it.”

“The fear you’re feeling right now? That’s real.”

“You have to let the fear consume you, and the panic will subside.”

“You did this, and now you have to live with yourself.”

“You’re stunning.”

“Burn in hell.”

“You said you’d never come.”

“I don’t want to be here.”

“I do prefer you on a leash.”

“A woman your age, you’ve only just reached your hard-won sexual peak.”

“Way to kill a mood.’

“I’m surprised he told you about our visit.”

“You already destroyed his childhood.”

“You are dead to me.”

“When your body finally submits, I will flush your ashes down the Port Authority’s most disgusting toilet.”

“He’s gonna be just fine.”

“I am so proud of him.”

“It must have been so hard.”

“I am terrified of you.”

“I am terrified to look into your eyes, to see the monster.”

“You will always be my family.”

“You are dead to me because I had to kill you in my mind.”

“You were basically penniless.”

“We had everything.”

“I would have done anything to save it.”

“We were happy, until everything was taken from me.”

“How can you do this?”

“I know the whole story.”

“What happened to them wasn’t just about me.”

“You are breaking him.’

“He is nearly broken, and I am begging you to leave him alone.”

“Don’t take the one thing I have left.”

“What the hell are you doing?”

“You know very well that his things are off limits.”

“That doesn’t concern you.”

“You have no idea what he is capable of.”

“[Name], what did you do?”

#rp meme #roleplay meme #sentence meme #sentence starters #starter sentences #KIND / SENTENCE.#KIND / IN CHARACTER.#BASED ON / TV SHOW.

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yngai · 4 years

Text

— BASICS : ADA WONG .

IS YOUR MUSE TALL / SHORT / AVERAGE ? : she is 5′7 which is , i suppose , fairly above average in height .

ARE THEY OKAY WITH THEIR HEIGHT ? : definitely , she is perfectly content with it . she imagines herself as tall enough to be somewhat imposing in certain instances without it ever being cumbersome . there are very few things about her appearance she is not overtly confident about , really .

WHAT’S THEIR HAIR LIKE ? : a short , practical bob-cut is , perhaps , one of the defining features of the ada wong persona . dark , well-kept hair that is easy enough to maintain on the field . a slick & interesting look that is simple enough to disappear into the background , only catching the eye of those whose interest she wants pointed in her direction . in the years before her spywork , her mother fashioned her hair in the beehive style which was common in hong kong during the 60s . like many aspects of ada , her hair is very soft to the touch if someone ever gets close enough & she allows them this intimacy .

DO THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR HAIR / GROOMING ? : it depends on what needs upkeep , really . she prefers to be quick & efficient so she can maintain a certain degree of consistent grace & beauty without cutting into precious time . like her hair , make-up is simple & minimalist , with lipstick & eye-shadow being her primary concern . anything that requires greater attention to detail & more than an hour of her time she tends to do between missions , unless the nature of her objective allows for such things , like if she is to maintain a persona for an extend period of time .

DOES YOUR MUSE CARE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE / WHAT OTHERS THINK ? : yes . it would be strange to imply otherwise , i think , her very work & existence is tied to how others perceive her , what her appearance communicates & its intersection with the expectations of others , how to make use of such things to play them at their game & win . it’s all a performance act , like i mentioned in my meta about her femininity , & thus when the masks drop & her mission ends such concerns vanish away . in the privacy of solitude , the brief moments between the need to be someone else , she does let herself go a little bit . with no eyes to perceive she doesn’t really exist & thus the performance of hyper-femininity is not necessary . the comfort ada wong brings leaves with her & though there is relief in letting go , there is fear & hurt too .

— PREFERENCES.

INDOORS OR OUTDOORS ? : more of an indoor type , the world outside is not for her . crowds & people & all that information floating around in great volume , it’s overbearing , & she feels much more lonely in public . four walls bring with them limitation , restriction , less pieces on the board & thus , it’s easier to control . RAIN OR SUNSHINE ? : rain can wash away all things & she finds comfort in how the sounds of raindrops hitting every surface does the same . FOREST OR BEACH ? : the beach is a place of relaxation & leisure , & ada can’t deny herself that . forests are dense & messy & places where people get lost & never return , she doesn’t need that experience again . PRECIOUS METALS OR GEMS ? : gems & precious stones . diamonds are a girl’s best friend is the key cliché here , but i’ve also discussed the idea of ada as a cat burglar for a fun alternate universe with @qipaos . FLOWERS OR PERFUMES ? : flowers are too kindly a gesture , too intimate , they communicate far too much intent . perfumes play a major role in memorability & appearance , unique sense & aromas , muted & overpowering , she finds them much more fun . PERSONALITY OR APPEARANCE ? : combination of both , really , she tends to be attracted to people who match her both in looks & ability , those she can see herself in , no matter how superficially . BEING ALONE OR BEING IN A CROWD ? : kind of answered this one already , although really it’s really choice between the overbearing loneliness of being in public or the loneliness of having no self to cling onto . at least with crowds & people to look upon her , she can be ada wong . ORDER OR ANARCHY ? : she fled the grasp of people who bring anarchy wherever they thread , much preferring order . PAINFUL TRUTHS OR WHITE LIES ? : she is a woman made of white lies who covets painful truths about the world . SCIENCE OR MAGIC ? : science , it’s resident evil . PEACE OR CONFLICT ? : while she finds work in constant conflict , such is the nature of the world , it is all in the hope of one day achieving peace . stopping those who would use umbrella’s downfall to gain power & control they do not deserve . NIGHT OR DAY ? : nights are quiet & peaceful , watching the neon-lights of a city dance around each other is a frequent ritual for a woman who only sleeps when utmost exhausted . DUSK OR DAWN ? : dusk , for a similar reason . WARMTH OR COLD ? : her demeanor is almost always cold & clinical , warmth is a very exclusive reservation for those who earn her compassion . MANY ACQUAINTANCES OR A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS ? : various contacts in low-to-high ranking positions in a variety of corporations & organizations who provide useful information about the current state of the pharmaceutical market , as well as the dealings of the illegal arms trade of bio-weapons . although , there are those she could call close friends if only for their frequent meeting during missions . READING OR PLAYING A GAME ? : getting lost in a good book is an experience she can never deny herself , & given that she collects information for a living , reading is apart of work . then again , so is playing games .

— QUESTIONNAIRE.

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR MUSE’S BAD HABITS ? : in a literal sense , she smokes frequently , giving into the calming effects of nicotine . an awful habit that undoes her sense of self is pushing her issues & worries onto her facades , the personas she constructs for sake of her job , whom she imagines as other people whose experiences & existence are separate from her own . all she lives through during a mission is theirs instead & thus , she doesn’t have to deal with it .

HAS YOUR MUSE LOST ANYONE CLOSE TO THEM ? HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEM ? : her friends & family , her life before raccoon city . she didn’t really lose them as much as they lost her , forced to vanish into the employment of wesker’s organization for her personal safety , into the persona of ada wong , turning her into the woman she is now .

WHAT ARE SOME FOND MEMORIES YOUR MUSE HAS ? : almost everything predating her undercover work at umbrella , try as she might to imagine they belonged to a different woman entirely .

IS IT EASY FOR YOUR MUSE TO KILL ? : depends on how human she perceives her target to be , if they carry within them a strain of any mutagen , no matter how sane & in control they are , she has no issue putting them down ( like with krauser ) . if not , well , it might take her awhile before she can come up with a decent enough justification at least .

WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOUR MUSE BREAKS DOWN ? : strangely silent , contemplative , spending hours clinging desperately to a pillow , crying , alone in her bed , open bottle of wine by her bedside if she truly needs to drown the noise out . she tries to not let it all get to her , but the life she lives is sometimes too much , even if she brims with strength & confidence , moments of weakness are natural . IS YOUR MUSE CAPABLE OF TRUSTING SOMEONE WITH THEIR LIFE ? : there’s a very persistent sense in the back of her mind , present since the days of her childhood , that the only person she can always rely on is herself . when it comes to survival , despite having others save her from certain death , she always reasons that she is the one who ensured it , keeping leon alive long enough to help her out , for example . outside these instances , she has always managed to endure on her own , escape plan after escape plan , contingency after contingency , avoiding the wrath of the most powerful people in the world & outliving their reign .

WHAT’S YOUR MUSE LIKE WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE ? : intoxicating , addicting , a very involved & passionate lover whose presence & attention is almost unrelenting , making up for how infrequent she can truly be there for the other person . breaking down her personal & emotional barriers is a tough deed , but very rewarding , she likes to think . though she’d like to keep sex & romance separate , preferring one without the other , intense short term encounters without meaning or commitment , any soul needs love & care to thrive , & one like hers all the more .

TAGGED BY : @horrorempathy , the legend themself . TAGGING : i spent too long writing this i don’t have any more brain power , i’m sorry , please steal it 😔🥺

#* file // : OOC — ( 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐄 . )#* file // : 004 — ( 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 . )#* file // : 005 — ( 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐀 . )#i rarely ramble about ada wong on the dash but when i do ohh boy #i just love her sm #i just have ten million ideas about ada #and rarely share them #like the clown i am #i suppose this takes the spot for the meta for this month see you guys in may #replies only until then

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