#and that in itself gives me the biggest feeling of fear

[mashpotatoe]

im a white jew, i was born in israel,

ive lived there all my life and was brought up in an environment that fosters racism driven by nationalism, nationalism driven by racism.

in israel, they teach you jews and muslims (though usually, they just say arabs) have always been enemies, the same way the US deems the entire middle east as a inherent war zone, ridding them of the responsibility for perpetuating war in thst region.

they tell you "were the fair and humane side who strives for peace! its the arabs who never accept the offer!"

i remember the first time i began doubting that sentiment was in fourth grade, when we were having a discussion in class about the character of Saul from the Torah. the teacher was talking about how Saul, the first monarch of the Kingdom of Israel, used to fight the Philistines, and when she added that the Philistines were the natural enemy of the Israelites, she asked the class what group of people is their modern equivalent to which everyone very eagerly replied "Arabs!" and nevermind that there in that same class sat two arab boys, one of whom sat next to me, who i looked at and thought "but he isnt my enemy? hes just a boy in my class."

they teach you to hate arabs. sometimes they say it outright. sometimes they say it more carefully, or make a distinction between good and bad arabs, those who are with us and those who are against us.

in a state based on the idea of (white) jewish supremacy, they teach you jews are naturally superior. they use the conspiratorial narrative of "jews controlling the world" to their favor, giving their own watered down explanation for why antisemitism exists, saying that it must be driven by jealousy.

the zionist movement always used antisemitism to its advantage, either for reinforcing the notion of jewish supremacy or appealing to the real pain and trauma of generations, people who survived the holocaust, connecting them to stolen land where they are "guaranteed" safety ergo granting "justification" for the suffering of others.

its using peoples real pain that makes fear mongering so effective, and when the israeli population grows up being told all of their neighboring countries want to kill them, they quickly get defensive of the "only land where they can feel safe", but the only explanation ever provided for Why these neighboring countries are considered enemies is because theyre arabs.

and when it comes to palestine, it isnt even recognized as a country, nor identity. just a threat. ive talked to many people who are genuinely unaware of the occupation, and they arent willing to believe it either, because the media narrative has successfully shifted the blame on hamas. because "how could it be us? we want peace! its the terrorists who make us look bad! and their children, they grow up to be antisemites*, might as well get rid of them too!" they never stop to think what environment these children must grow up in to develop these "radical" ideas.

* what they mean by antisemite is really just antizionist, but the term anti/zionist isnt practiced in local dialect, being a zionist is treated as a given

any jew who stands against israels oppression is dubbed a self hating jew, but the biggest contributors to antisemitism is the people in charge of an ethnostate, because at any moment they could decide who is not white enough to be jewish, who is too jewish to be white, who stood against the current coalition government and who is an obedient dog.

israelis arent a monolith, but many of them have been won over, convinced its an "us v them" situation, when in reality it could never be the "us" that "loses"

the israeli government was waiting for an event like the massacre on the seventh of october to declare war, to have the so called "right to defend itself", so they could initiate the final steps of an ethnic genocide and displace, if not kill, all remaining palestinians. under the guise of bringing peace.

it isnt too late to call for a permanent ceasefire, to end the occupation.

please contact your representatives, attend protests and rallies if you are able. palestine will be free, and the flowers will rise again.

[xjulixred45x]

I could't contain myself guys sorry--

Bro, do you realize how scary it would be to have Vox as a Yandere?

just imagine it. You could be one of his workers, maybe too good at your job, because not only do you do what Vox tells you without asking questions, but you also know what to say and what not to say to avoid a "tantrum" from him. or rather, when his insecurities attack with force like when Alastor returns.

Vox would probably be a somewhat condescending yandere (as seen with Val) but don't think you can't turn tables easily, if you stroke his ego enough, you can have him around your finger. but that doesn't make it any less dangerous for those around you.

He makes the typical 180 degree turn in attitude when it comes to Other Employees and when it comes to You. Damn, you may be the only one of his employees who gets paid vacations (or even vacations) or even birthday bonuses, things like that. He likes to give you his things or products with the excuse that "they are for testing" even if they have already been released on the market.

Like:

Vox: who the fuck eat My leftovers!?! WHENEVER WHO WAS I'M GOING TO-

Darling: it was me sir.

Vox:--give You the rest and take You out for lunch, You haven't eaten in the whole day AGAIN, didn't ya?

He definitely avoids conflict with you by hypnotizing you, when he starts to feel hostility, fear on your part or that you want to leave, he makes you "out of nowhere" have "ONE MORE TASK" and you can't help but do what he says.

and IT IS NOT just to avoid fights or for you to leave, it is something CONSTANT (once every two days MINIMUM), although Vox is not worried about your brain turning into mush due to its powers, it always keeps nutritious things in your diet and they come out relatively often , as you have to follow him everywhere.

Eventually he becomes more clingy and needy in this case, it's practically not that he's proposing to you or anything, he's just slowly dragging you into a relationship without you realizing it (because you're not lucid enough). Unless you develop a higher level of tolerance to his hypotonic trick, I don't think you'll notice his Red Flags.

I think it would be ESPECIALLY BAD if Darling is also a Sinner, because then they wouldn't even be able to get out of the pride ring to run away from Vox. leaving you with many fewer options and having to avoid all of Vox's technology, which you could only achieve by 1- going to the Cannibal Legion or 2- going to the Hazbin Hotel.

Running away is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, not only because of his hypnotic trick, but because he literally has EYES EVERYWHERE, on every screen in hell. If you somehow manage to get away with it and run away, Vox would be SO ANGRY and looking for you all over hell with their screens.

Although definitely if you were gone more than a day, he would be more distraught than angry and would begin to despair. Even Val and Velvet would give him a hand because of how bad it would be.

Just imagine, thinking that you finally lost sight of Vox's search drones, without realizing that you stand in front of some store and VOX ITSELF appears on the screens :)

If you made the stupid decision to go to the Hazbin Hotel, Vox would be distraught and would even think that Alastor was somehow holding you hostage, obviously! Why would you go there if you knew his biggest enemy was there? Alastor must be using you as a bargaining chip! How dare he!?

(in this case, fortunately, the punishment is much less severe, but he would definitely monitor you for the rest of your life)

When he eventually gets you back (after a few days or even WEEKS of anguish) expect, first of all, to be in a mortal embrace that lasts AT LEAST 2 days and then receive your "punishment" which would be to be under hypnosis for AT LEAST 1 YEAR to be sure that this NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.

Although calm down! He gives your mind breaks periodically because 1- he doesn't know if that would ultimate mess with your head and 2- it's nice to hear YOU talk instead of the robotic version.

When that year FINALLY ends, you will be a much more obedient, more terrified, sweeter version of You, according to Vox, like a frightened Deer. It was a long and hard process, but the good thing is that you don't have to do anything anymore! absolutely! Just do what he tells you and everything will be fine.

Shares, reglogs and comments are very welcome!

Not one of the Best yanderes to have, but Def not the worst

#headcanons #drabbles #fem reader #neutral reader #male reader #hazbin hotel x reader #hotel hazbin #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin vox #vox x reader #yandere vox #yandere hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor

[n3xii]

why do you feel stuck?

this spread is designed to help you identify why you are feeling stuck right now, as well as what you can do to get yourself unstuck. take a deep breath and choose an envelope from below

i also have personal readings available for an affordable price, check my pinned post for more information!!

Pile one-

your current situation: 8 of wands

i honestly think taking action is the biggest hurdle for you, taking the first step and actually taking action may feel bigger than the task itself. perhaps you may have just overcome some hurdles or blockages that might have previously been in the way, and now that the path is clear, it feels impossible to go forward. i also feel that this represents the momentum it takes to get something going, you may feel that your energy ebs and flows, perhaps motivation and passion are fleeting emotions that you cannot rely on to take action. this makes you feel stuck as a consequence.

what do you need to let go of in order to move ahead: the hanged man

ok, i feel like you're waiting for an external force to thrust you into action, you've taken the passive stance towards your own goals because you find it difficult to actually start. you're waiting for something else outside of you to give you the momentum, this could be another person you're waiting on, a sign, the feeling of motivation. but spirit is communicating that this passiveness is something you need to let go of. stop waiting for something else to spring you into action, the first step has to be done by yourself

message from spirit: boundaries

i think establishing some borders between yourself and what you will and will not tolerate is something that can actually help you become unstuck. this can be boundaries with other people, as well as boundaries with yourself, such as what behaviors and treatments you will tolerate towards yourself. people forget that the relationships they have with themselves need boundaries too.

Pile Two-

your current situation- seven of swords

the message im getting with this is self sabotage, you're in a situation where you are trudging upon your own steps forward by looking back, looking to other people, and looking everywhere but in the direction you're going. i feel like you could be comparing yourself to others, even comparing yourself to your past self as well. there may be somehting you feel you need to tuck away to the back of your mind because you perceived it as bad or undesirable.

what do you need to release in order to move ahead: nine of swords

so far im getting that this is an issue occurring mostly on the mental plane which one of the denser energies in someone's aura. this means your thoughts and words need to be something that you become more aware of so you can identify what exactly you are thinking about on a daily basis. journal, get a mood tracker and write your daily thoughts and feelings. become familiar with what you are saturating your mind with. this card tells me that you need to release overthinking, obsessions, and memories. specifically you need to release the recurring thoughts you have, the fears and paranoia that you may have that are causing you to self sabotage.

message from spirit: attraction

you are a powerful person and manifester, you could be spending more of your energy attracting what you want if you wanted to. now can be spent thinking about what you want to attract into your life and what you want to repel from it. your energy is precious, dont fuck with it. instead of comparing yourself or saturating your mind with obsessive, negative thoughts, direct your mental energy towards something that is positive.

Pile three-

your current situation: the star

the star conveys healing, hope, optimism, and a balance between both the physical and spiritual world. you're in a place where you may feel stuck, but you are actually just healing and recovering from something. the star comes after the tower in the tarot, which indicates the healing process after something major has been unraveled, you may feel like you are behind, or that you should be already healed, but let your spirit and body take the time it needs. you are healing from something, mental or physical at this time

what you need to release in order to move ahead: six of pentacles

i feel like you may have this lingering sensation and feeling that you owe other people something, that you aren't keeping your end of a bargain. this could be you feeling the need to maintain balance in a relationship, friendship, work partnerships etc. you may feel that you aren't being fair or balanced in those relationships but that is actually something you need to release. nothing is expected of you at this time, release the sensation that you need to make up for or do something in return.

message from spirit: power + 4 of pentacles

conserve your power, and know that you are powerful. dont expend energy you dont have right now, just hold onto it knowing that you have it. im also getting that ancestral work may be important right now. as you are healing, tapping into your ancestors and your lineage may give you the extra support and power supply that you need to recover. ancestors play an important role in supporting, when channeled you can rely on them to give you the energy and the momentum to support you on your healing energy.

#tarot #pac tarot #tarot pac #pick a card tarot #pick a card #pick a card tarot reading #tarot reading #free tarot #free reading #pac reading #tarot pick a card #affirmations #astro notes #manifestion #loa #pick a pile #pick a pile reading #pick a photo reading #free readings #free psychic reading #love reading #free tarot reading #law of abundance #pick a card reading #love pick a card #pick a photo #pick an image #pick a picture #pick a pile tarot #tarot cards

[lirational]

Staked Claim

Shalom x Reader

A/N: A quick fic inspired by @inou-ie’s fic, which can be found here. I am getting back into the swing of things! I’m sorry for the wait everyone!

Warnings: Possessive behavior, strap-ons, mentions of drinking, jealousy, overstimulation.

Smut under the cut. Minors DNI.

The haze of alcohol had made you forget just what problem prompted you to come here in the first place. With the haze, came the lack of restraint, and that was how you ended up here in the first place.

Blaring lights and all-too loud music became a relentless assault on your senses. It took all your focus just to talk, and energy for you to put on a smile when a beautiful woman joined you, her voice a melodious contrast to the loud music. Emboldened, you reciprocate her flirting, awkward as it could be, and her laughter became fuel for you to continue, even as a sense of wrongness stirred from the act.

It was all in good fun, you figured.

As if Fate itself has heard your claim, you hear a familiar voice.

“There you are,” a familiar voice spoke, soft without betraying any trace of emotions. A cold hand slid onto your waist, the other reaching up to trace a line from your chin to your neck, a gesture to anchor you back to reality.

“Can I take her for a bit? My dear (Name) here seems to be bothering you, let me apologize on her behalf,” Shalom continued, each word spoken in such a way that each word tickled against your ears. The softness of her dress was pressing against your back, Shalom seemingly uncaring about ruining it.

While the other woman was stunned, you were helped up and brought back to her place, ice injecting your veins as you realize how absolutely screwed you are. A soft click from the lock, right as you felt the familiar softness of her bedsheets sealed your fate.

Perhaps, the most unsettling of all, was the way she smiled. A practiced, perfect smile, beautiful, yet enough to convey a threatening message.

“I warned you, didn’t I?”

Her smile didn’t falter, and a shudder went down your spine. All the haze from your drinking had disappeared, replaced by a stark, sharp clarity.

“Ah, Shalom, I’m… sorry?”

She let out a chuckle at your answer. Her smile almost never faltered, which allowed you to pick up subtler cues to her feelings. Right now, you could sense jealousy was brewing underneath her skin, barely suppressed in an ever-present, statue-like charm too perfect to believe if you hadn’t seen it yourself. “Here I thought you were restlessly waiting for me, while I attend a business party, but it seems you’ve been having some fun, hm?”

You gulp, the sound almost echoing in the quiet, heavy atmosphere. Then, she continued.

“You know, I don’t like my things being touched by anyone else, including you. In fact, I hate it the most.”

Her soft voice was like a lure, a false illusion projected to give you a sense of security. Limbs locked by dread, you could only watch, as she made a tantalizing show of removing her dress layer by layer, shedding the cumbersome weight inch by inch, slow and careful to stretch the anticipation and fear to an eternity. Though you knew there was no use bargaining with her at this state, you opened your mouth, hoping to at least convince her.

However, as soon as you tried to, she was in front of you, index finger on your lips, the cold from her skin spreading and freezing your pleas.

“Strip.”

It was a soft-spoken order, yet you obeyed.

From the corner of your eyes, you saw that she had taken out the biggest strap she could find, its color stark against her pale skin.

Using your distraction, she was in front of you, and then pushed you down, the toy aligned to your entrance.

“You’re not—“

Again, you were interrupted, as she kissed you before you could finish. It was a deep, searing kiss that did not allow you even a moment to breathe, tongues tangling in a claiming dance until black started to dot the corner of your sight. Only then did Shalom see it fit to give you respite, letting you catch your breath as she trailed bruising kisses down from your cheek, to the column of your neck, your shoulders, and the valley of your breasts. Her skillful tongue swirled around your nipple, stimulating them into stiffness while her hand played with your other breast.

Your pleas for her to slow down were overtaken, drowned by your own wanton moans. Even without her eyes branding your skin with sheer intensity, she seemed to have a telepathic connection to your thoughts, ramping up her stimulations when you start to say anything other than calling her name, scattering any coherent thoughts to the wind in the process. With a wet pop, she released your nipple, looking at you in the eyes for a moment before reaching down to give your folds a quick swipe, humming in satisfaction as she felt slick gather on her fingertips.

“Feel it, feel just how wet you are for me.”

She aligned the massive toy onto your entrance, hips slamming to meet yours as it slipped into your folds to the hilt, your eager walls swallowing and gripping on it. A sense of relief came first, then there was pain as the toy rammed so, so deeply her hips were connected to yours. She didn’t take her eyes off you, taking your right hand and planting a soft kiss on top of your digits while her hips moved in a slow, teasing manner to allow you to feel every inch as she entered you.

Through the pleasure, you realized, it was the same hand the woman you met at the bar touched.

“What are you thinking?” Shalom asked, putting your hand down and tilting your head to look at her in the eyes. “Look at me. Don’t look at anything else.”

With that, it was as if she had let go of her restraints.

Her stare pinned you down, fingers gripping your hips until it left crescent marks as she slammed the toy into you over and over, her intensity a wordless threat to split you apart, each moment your hips meet sending waves of pure bliss throughout your body. It was in moments like this you regretted forgetting about her strength, as weak as she may be from what you have heard, as a Sinner she was still much stronger than you were. She only allowed you, no, coaxed you to call and beg for her name and nothing else, each plea spilling from your lips to continue becoming her fuel to keep going, to ram her toy inside you until something broke apart within.

Your climax came as an explosion of sensations blurring into one, pain, pleasure, and exhaustion racking your entire form as you spilled and made a mess on the toy. Shalom eyed the forming puddle on the bedsheets with satisfaction, the gleam of her gaze telling you all you needed to know.

Then, she waited, until the glazed over look in your eyes subsided, a sign that you have regained awareness, before pulling out her toy from your folds, all smeared with your fluids from the tip to the hilt. A part of you have expected blood from the way she split you apart with abandon, yet there was nothing, nothing out of place other than evidence of your own unraveling beneath her. Exhaustion gripped your form, yet, her cold touch on your neck froze you into awareness.

“Don’t fall asleep yet,” she purred, “I want you to feel, to see what I could do to you that no one else could.”

With that, she tightened her hold, restricting your breathing. Through that little control she exerted, her touches turn sharper, even the little movements of her fingers as her other hand stimulated your bud, slow, careful, and romantic, as strange as it sounded. Unlike before, when she moved as if she intended to split you into two at the seams, desire heated up your body slowly, a gentle rise that forced you to feel everything she did while you grapple with your restricted breathing, your legs shivered, your thighs closing, perhaps in an attempt to escape, or an attempt to force her to go faster.

You obtained neither.

She pulled out her hand as soon as your legs close, earning a low whine that you wished you would never be caught dead making. Alas.

“Patience, (Name), you will get your reward.”

Rather than distract you, the order just made you more keenly aware of her movements. A part of you supposed that it was just her form of punishment. Your legs quivered with need, hands gripping the sheets so hard it was a wonder you had not torn through them yet.

Relief came like a refreshing wave of water, as Shalom finally, finally released your neck, allowing you unrestricted access to fresh air. There was no mercy this time, no overwhelming sensations to allow you the dignity to forget what she had made you feel, etching how utterly and completely hers you were even into the deepest recesses of your thoughts. She seemed satisfied, and you finally let go, exhaustion claiming you, yet a soft pull on your hair sapped all the fatigue, Shalom’s smile still gracing her beautiful visage, a contrast to the mess you have made of yourself and the sheets.

“Tired already? I haven’t came even once. Come on, you won’t need to walk for the next three days, would you?”

#path to nowhere #path to nowhere x reader #ptn x reader #path to nowhere headcanons #ptn shalom x reader

[sirfrogsworth]

I posted the below on my Facebook. I am secretly trying to head things off at the pass. Every time people see pictures of me out and about, they think I have been magically cured or my health status has improved. And I know going to Florida is going to give people that impression.

But also, I just wish a few of my relatives could understand my situation better. And why I didn't come to Christmas. And why I might try to come to Christmas now.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

-----------------------------------

One of the biggest struggles I've had my entire adult life is explaining why I appear fine whenever people see me. I say I am very sick and bed-bound and then they see me and I am out of bed and talking and joking and... a normal healthy person.

What many don't realize is I am making a choice.

A choice to get sick.

I can use up all my energy in a short time frame to accomplish a difficult chore or entertain a friend or go to a doctor, but that is going to have a consequence.

The more I do, the more severe the consequence.

In the ME/CFS world this is called "post-exertional malaise." (for those interested, you can read more about it here: https://rthm.com/art.../what-is-post-exertional-malaise-pem/ )

Imagine every time you wanted to do something, you were *choosing* to get the flu.

Take a walk, get the flu.

Exercise, get the flu.

Spend a night out with friends, get the flu.

And you might be thinking, "Okay, it can't be as bad as the flu. I've had the flu and the flu sucks. No one would choose that."

I may not get the nasty respiratory symptoms, but everything else is pretty much the same. Crippling fatigue, horrible aches, and the loss of the will to do much of anything. Sometimes it is much worse than the flu. Some people don't know how much being this exhausted can hurt. They have never used up enough energy that their body is unable to power itself properly. I usually say it is like every cell in my body is starving and screaming for energy. I feel it in every inch of my body—and not just on the surface... through and through. So, like... cubic inches.

Sometimes I don't even have the energy to power my legs. Trying to stand feels exactly the same as trying to lift a barbell with way more weight than you can lift. I can't get upstairs or even walk to the kitchen. It's a concentrated misery that defies description, despite my constant attempts to try.

Sometimes I get lucky and this flu lasts for a day or two. But the more active I am, the longer it can last. And the severity increases as well. There is also a cumulative version of this—where if I do a bunch of little things over a longer period of time, eventually it will catch up to me and I may be stuck in bed for a few weeks.

And when I say "stuck in bed" I mean stuck in bed.

Short trips to the bathroom and a few minutes in the kitchen to make food. If I spend too much time upright, my legs will literally give out and I will be stuck on the floor until I recharge enough energy to get up again. It would be like every time you needed to get up, you had to hold your breath. Not to mention, the more I do, the longer the recovery will take.

For a long time I chose to never get the flu. I stayed in bed and did just enough to avoid the worst of PEM. I skipped family get-togethers. I didn't see my friends. And I lived my life inside the computer. Some may find that sad, but I actually found a way to make this work. I ran a successful blog that was seen by millions of people and I met my two best friends who I now consider my new family.

One thing that allowed me to choose not to get the flu was my parents. I fear some thought they were spoiling me. They did my laundry. They helped clean my room. They got my groceries. They cooked my food. They took on any chore they could so I could avoid the flu and live some semblance of a life on my computer. There is a lot of guilt wrapped up in that. I didn't ask them to do that. They just sort of... did. And I am so grateful to them.

To be fair, they would have to do these chores for themselves anyway, and tacking on my stuff wasn't a huge deal. But I know it caused them a little extra pain and a few post exertional consequences of their own. So I appreciated that sacrifice more than I can put into words.

But then they both got very sick. And not only could they not help me with my stuff, I had to help them with their stuff. And this was a difficult transition. I had to choose to get the flu to take care of my parents, but then if I got the flu, and I couldn't take care of my parents. I believe this is called a catch-22.

My initial solution was to just not take care of myself. At all. My health and mental well-being was set aside and I just gave all of my energy to them. I didn't shower. I forgot to take important medicines. I didn't do a single thing that brought me joy. And I'm reminded of that analogy of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks drop. You put on your mask first before you put one on your child. Your instinct is to save them first at all costs. But if you pass out, they are screwed.

So I kept getting that cumulative version of the flu. I'd help them as much as I could for a week or a month and then I'd be useless to them for just as long. Living in the basement did not help. Stairs were very hard for me and constantly going up and down was a huge waste of energy.

And I'm sad to say, the level of care I gave to my mom was not great. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how to balance my needs with hers. And it led to costly mistakes. She had several preventable falls that caused injuries. At one point she spent hours on the floor because I fell asleep and did not check on her. When you know someone needs regular supervision, you need to synchronize sleepy time.

Thankfully I learned from all of these lessons. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but I did figure it out. I just wish I had learned them before my mom passed. I just wasn't able to give her the help she needed.

And you can tell me "you did your best" all you like, but this isn't a guilt I am choosing. It's just there and I feel it no matter what anyone says. In time I am hoping it will get lighter, but I'm afraid it cannot be wiped away with a well-intentioned platitude.

But with my dad, I decided to move upstairs. That was something I should have done much sooner. But I liked having my personal space and that was hard to give up. When he slept, I slept. When he spent 4 hours at dialysis 3x per week, I would make sure to take care of any personal needs. I would do chores a tiny bit at a time. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. And then I would lay on the couch in between and regain my strength. I did everything possible to not get the flu. And I got my flu shots so I wouldn't get the actual flu. (Get your flu shot! 50K die from it every year!) The only hitch in my plan was when I got a kidney stone at the same time my dad was in rehab. I have no idea how I got us through that.

I was very proud of the care I was able to give my dad. And I'm so grateful I was able to pay back just a tiny bit of what my parents did to help me. And the care I gave my father is the only thing that helps me feel better about my failures with my mom.

But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. And I find myself choosing to get the flu more often. I have decided sometimes it is worth the consequences. Part of that is because I am more used to it after dealing with it for 20 years. I have coping mechanisms and procedures and techniques to manage the symptoms. It doesn't make them suck any less, but it definitely makes it more manageable. It's akin to people with chronic pain who still feel the pain just as profoundly as when it was new, but they get so used to it that they forget that isn't how they are supposed to feel.

I approached this scientifically. I did tests. I went to the movies. I tried once a week and that was too much. Then I scaled it back and that was more manageable. Then I realized I had movies at home and decided to end that experiment.

I started to put my energy into something I enjoyed more. My photography. So I have been finding new ways to take pictures again. More experiments. I'm designing a simpler studio that requires much less energy. I'm creating a little product photography workstation where I don't have to set up everything each time I want to take a cool picture of an object. It will just be "turn on the lights" and "take the pictures."

Figuring all of this out made me realize how much I missed photography. And since I have been shooting test pictures here and there, my mental health has been noticeably better. And once I get this all figured out and set up, I am hoping some of you will let me take your photo. Or a photo of your kid. Or a pet. Whatever you have that needs photographing, I'm game.

I'm not going to charge. It's not going to be a business. I do not have the energy to "hustle." And asking people for money just sucked all of the fun out of my beloved art form. It corrupted it. I just love taking pictures and if you need a photo, I'd like to do that for you. I also restore old photos for fun. I'll talk about all of this more in another post when I am ready to start.

And then my grand experiment is coming next week.

I am going to travel.

I am going to see my best friend in Florida for two days. Two days of travel and two days of visiting. This is a scary choice. I know the aftermath is going to be difficult. But I need to get out of this house. I need to see my chosen family in person. And I have never been on a plane and I love the perspective from high places. I know people hate air travel, but for me, looking out that viewport is stunning television that cannot be matched.

Purposely making myself sick sounds like a bad idea. But it isn't life threatening. I have the free time to recover as long as I need to. And I can always choose not to get sick for a while if it gets too hard.

I just ask that people not see this as going from a worse life to a better one. I was really proud of the life I was able to create for myself while staying in bed. That took a long time to figure out. I met some of my favorite people. And I accomplished things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Please do not shit on that life and think it was sad or meaningless. I was given that life as a gift from my parents and it kept me alive. It has always been a huge insult when people pitied that precious gift they gave me.

This is not a better life that I am trying to figure out. It is just better for me right now. My needs have changed. I have changed. So I am trying to adapt. I just ask that people understand when I go out and do something, please remember the choice I am making.

You may be tempted to say, "You are doing so much better!" I am not any better than I was 10 years ago. Actually, my health has degraded. It's just that before I didn't think getting the flu every time I did something was worth it. And I would hope everyone would understand that was a valid choice.

And now I am inviting those consequences.

On purpose.

Give me the flu, I guess.

[tarotwithlove]

pick a card ⋆ what do people love about you?

reminder that this is a general reading and messages found here may not apply to everyone. take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and don't force anything if it does not fit.

BOOK A READING WITH ME · LINKTREE · SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC · TIPS ♡ tips and feedback are highly appreciated!

GROUP ONE

cards ⋆ seven of swords, king of pentacles (reversed), knight of cups, the hanged man, eight of cups, the sun (reversed).

songs ⋆ amigo by lous and the yakuza. sorry - homecoming live by beyoncé. life after salem by lil nas x. pink + white by frank ocean.

hey there group one ♡ people love that nothing can truly get you down. you may experience hardship after hardship, but you will always come back. and, more than that, you will come back with a positive attitude and a positive outlook on life.

you seem to have an undying faith in the universe, in the divine and/or in god. and people love this so much about you that they want to be around you, they want to bask in your positive energy.

that’s not to say that people only think of you as positive and optimistic, but they know that if you are having a bad time or going through a bad patch, you will find a way out. you may complain and feel hopeless, but you do not wallow in your misery. you do not give up. they know that you have negative thoughts and feelings but you will never let these overtake your positive ones.

people love to be around you. they love how hopeful you make them feel about life. they love how much you restore their faith in the bigger picture - in the belief that even when they do not see a positive outcome, the divine is surely working on one.

they love that you make them want to work hard and not give up.

GROUP TWO

cards ⋆ page of pentacles, the moon (reversed), justice, eight of cups, the emperor, the devil. 

songs ⋆ off to the races by lana del rey. identity by taemin. crazy eyes by alex mali. i-drip-or-is by jaden.

hey there group two ♡ people love that they can look after you or guide you in some way. you may feel alone and as if you are more a burden to those around you than anything else, but this is just not true and is largely a projection of your own thoughts and fears. 

there is so much about you to love that you just do not see. and it is okay if you don’t see it, it doesn’t make it any less apparent. people love your youthfulness and the new perspectives you introduce them to. they also love they new perspectives they can introduce you to. 

you may inspire people to take on the role of a figure they always wished they had in their own life. be it good friend, reliable sibling, kind teacher, loving partner - whatever it may be, people love that you allow them to step up in this meaningful way and be this better version of themselves. that you allow them to feel reliable and relied on.

they love that they can be around you and watch as you grow into yourself and who you’re meant to be. that is, in and of itself, enough for the people around you who love and care about you. 

GROUP THREE

cards ⋆ knight of wands, knight of pentacles, the chariot, the tower, the emperor, ten of wands. 

songs ⋆ xs by rina sawayama. geyser by mitski. monday by life of hojj. i’m that chick by mariah carey.

hey there group three ♡people love your love for life. you are a passionate, driven person who knows what they want out of life and knows what they need to do in order to achieve it.

you are consistent and you have the eye on the prize, never letting distractions or hiccups along the road get the better of you or stop you from working towards your dream.

you have an innate confidence in yourself. and even if you feel that this is untrue and you are actually a deeply insecure person, people see the way you carry yourself and hear the way you speak and they think of you as confident. they love that you are your own number one biggest fan and supporter.

anyone who looks at you or spends time in your presence knows that you will be great, that you will make a name for yourself in some capacity, and they love that they can witness this. they love that they can you before you become this great person.

honestly, with the chariot, the tower, and the emperor, the energy for this group is a bit overwhelming. as if the people around you are just consumed by how much they love and admire you as a person. it’s hard to say, oh, people love this about your or they love that about you, because it’s just that people love you.

you are a enigmatic force and people can’t get enough of you and your presence. 

GROUP FOUR

cards ⋆ seven of cups (reversed), patience, the tower, death, ace of wands (reversed), knight of cups. 

songs ⋆ got to get it by sisqo. liquid smooth by mitski. knock on by nct 127. stupid for you by waterparks. 

hey there group four ♡people love your levelheaded maturity. you may be older than a lot of your peers, or you may just have a more mature outlook on life than those around you.

you may already know what you want to do with your life or you may have had certain life experiences that cause you to see the world in a completely different way from others your age. 

people love that they can trust in you and rely on you. they love, too, that you will treat any situation with patience, and the care that it deserves. people love that they can clearly communicate with you; that they can have difficult conversations with you without it turning into an argument or being blown out of proportion. 

this group, more than any of the others, may have a lot of secret admirers. and the majority of the people who are being channelled here are specifically people who have romantic interest in you. but this also goes for people who are not romantically interested in you, of course. regardless, what people love about is you is that you solid, reliable, and mature. they love that you can solve problems together instead of running away when things get too hard or even slightly too difficult.

#** #tarot #pac #pick a card #pick a photo #pick a pile #pick a picture #tarotonline #tarotcreator #tarotcommunity #tarot community #channeled message #channelled message #spirituality #spiritualism

[ishoulddefbedoingotherthings]

No I can’t hold it in anymore. People who complain that Emma and Killian got boring after they got together (mainly season 5 and 6 and mainly Emma) are my biggest pet peeve.

Emma’s rough exterior was because she experienced a lifetime of trauma. She was constantly abandoned/cast aside by people she cared about. For 28 years she believed her parents gave her up, and for her entire childhood she was living in the foster system or on the streets. When she was still a literal child she was betrayed by a person she loved and was sent to prison pregnant where she sat in that trauma for eleven months without a semblance of justice. She was hardened at such a young age and as seen in the show, it manifested itself into impenetrable walls that made her closed off and snippy. Yes, she was a badass when she chopped down Regina’s apple tree and slammed that guy’s head into a steering wheel (he really deserved it). But many of her badass interactions were because of her walls that made her so closed off. She only had herself to rely on, so obviously all of the stunts she pulled looked so awesome because she only had herself and her strength that was created through years and years of trauma.

What’s cooler? A person scaling a cliff all by themself without help of any kind, or a person using ropes and a partner or many partners to achieve the same result? Many people would choose the first one. But what’s safer? The second. It may not look cooler, but there’s no doubt in my mind that the second person would feel completely safe with people to rely on. And then if you put yourself in that situation, you would choose help. Right? Well when Emma realized that she had that help (mainly in season 4/5), she damn well took that help.

“The only one who saves me is me.” That quote has Emma coolness written all over it, but her tone of voice when she says “Hook” right before just shows how surprised she was that people- that HE actually came back to save her. AGAIN, no less. In New York, she looked genuinely surprised when he said “I came back to save you” because nobody had come back for her before. Absolutely nobody.

Emma is a badass and will always be a badass, but her hesitance to trust anyone and everyone makes her appear MORE badass because she only had herself. Then, she suddenly didn’t have to rely on herself anymore when she got closer to Killian (yes, she did have her parents before, but even then the only thing on her mind was to run far away and take Henry with her because it was safer. And because it was safer, she would have less fear about being put in a situation where she had to trust other people to do something that she previously only did for herself. ‘You want something done right, you have to do it yourself’)

AND THATS NOT EVEN COUNTING THE EMOTIONAL ASPECT.

Scenes where Emma opened up in season 1-most of 3 is like finding an emotional needle in a trauma infused haystack. She only opened up because she had to, and ‘had to’ most commonly meant ‘to get her son back’. She opened up about feeling like an orphan because she needed a magical map to find her son. She told Neal she wished he was dead because she had to unlock a cage, or else her son wouldn’t have a father, not because she wanted to. She didn’t want to face all the trauma he caused her, but she had to. She opened up to Henry in season 1 about a foster family giving her up because she couldn’t deal with how he was complaining about a family that she desperately wanted. It was a necessity for her to make Henry understand that his life was not unfair. (Though that was before Regina acted like a total bitch to her).

But then when she and Killian got together, or even just got closer to each other, she was opening up to him so much and it made her both more vulnerable, but also stronger emotionally, and being able to be emotionally vulnerable IS badass and such a big step for Emma. Compared to her in season 1, season 4 Emma wouldn’t even recognize herself because look at all the people she trusts and relies on. And not just her family, this random eyeliner-wearing-hook-for-a-hand dude who thinks she’s enough purely because she’s HER. The random dude who’s first priority is HER. Emma has never had that in her entire life. She has never been put first like that, and it must’ve been so amazing for her to be put first by a person who doesn’t need to do so because they’re family, but because she’s HER and he loves HER.

Flash forward to the end of season four, she sacrificed herself to the darkness and trusts the people who love and care about her to save her. THAT IS SO BIG FOR EMMA. THAT IS SO BADASS.

And I feel like the same people who believe that Emma and Killian got boring during and after these seasons neglect to realize that it was fricking traumatic. I always imagined the darkness as something that latches on to a person’s suffering and abuses it to their own agenda: to snuff out the light. (Which is exactly what it did to Killian). Emma had that darkness inside of her for the first half of season five and we all saw the tole it took on her. I know some people don’t like how Emma’s voice changed a bit, but that’s how a person who is empty sounds. She was tired and terrified and had to rely on Killian and her family to help her, and Killian was there for her at every step of the way and he helped get rid of the voice inside of her head.

Yes, Henry has always been a rock in her life, but in that season Killian was a fortress that she could lock herself away in and feel safe and loved during a time where she was constantly reliving her suffering.

And then she loses that fortress. One minute he was standing there with the utmost support and the next he was on the floor dying and she was so terrified of losing him that she turned him into the one thing he was desperate to destroy. And then she has to live with this internal conflict of lying to him to preserve the man she loves because she knows he would hate her for doing that to him. But of course she doesn’t want to lie to him, but she doesn’t want to lose him either because she won’t know how to go on.

That changes a person, and I think because OUAT is a magical show, there’s a tendency to downplay the trauma characters go through because it’s magical and it couldn’t happen in real life. It’s difficult to put yourself in the character’s shoes because it requires a lot of imagination to do so. Emma has spent months creating a relationship with Killian. She’s opened herself up in ways that she has never done before and suddenly he’s ripped away from her emotionally because the darkness took control over him, but she was so terrified of losing him that she settled for his physical presence.

That is so fucking traumatic. And because Emma is starting to completely open up, it hurts so much more because she doesn’t have walls to protect her.

And then she has to kill him, and he dies in her arms. The person she’s grown to love and care about dies in her arms and the amount of guilt and sorrow she felt clearly crushed her as seen in the scene of her lying on the couch, holding the ring he gave her, in what was supposed to be the place where she and Killian would live together- the life she wanted so much that she turned him into a dark one to keep him with her. And dark one Killian said a lot of messed up stuff to her (let’s be honest he was self-projecting) that definitely affected her.

Then she finds out that Killian’s entire death was for nothing so she goes back to save him. And she sees the torture and pain he endured because she made him a dark one and that guilt is probably so crushing, and amplified by the fact that she dragged her entire family down here including her son to save him because she was so desperate to see him again.

But when she finally has him back, it’s realized that he can’t go back to the living. She will never get to have that life with him that she wanted and it crushed her.

Yes, at the end of it all, she gets him back in the graveyard, but all of that trauma doesn’t go away.

In no way shape or form should Emma be the same exact person she was after living through that. In no way shape or form should she be EXPECTED to be the same snappy-comeback-armor wearing-badass she used to be because of that emotional and physical trauma she went through.

She is not boring because she relies on other people, and she’s not boring because she’s showing exhaustion or being less ‘badass’ than she used to be. The girl needs a break. She needs a break from the constant bombardment of villains and curses and trauma and in those little moments when she’s alone with Killian, she gets that break and it’s seen every time she smiled and her eyes soften at him. That’s her being happy, not boring. I would so much rather have Captainswan be happy and ‘boring’ than ‘badass’ and severely traumatized because haven’t those guys been through enough?

I didn’t even get to Killian who could fill the ocean with his trauma , but honestly most of the boring comments I’ve seen are directed towards Emma and it makes me so mad because she needs to REST. So what if Killian isn’t as flirty as he was in early seasons. it’s a mask, it’s clearly been a mask since the beginning and he finally has a person who loves him because he’s him (Emma) and a family and basically a brother (David). I for one think that pirate deserves to rest after living in darkness for hundreds of years. And I think he’s been plenty flirting. Uh, pancakes???????? Let the man have a break.

But does this make anyone else mad? Is it just me? I hope it’s not me.

THEYRE LIKE MY BABIES LET THEM BE HAPPY WITHOUT COMMENTING ON THEIR LACK OF BADASSERY PLEASE

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

#once upon a time #captain swan #killian jones #emma swan #pet peeve #rant post #ouat #i love them so muuuuuch #they deserve a break #Emma swan is a badass all the time #Killian jones is a traumatized dude he needs a break #let them heal

[nardo-headcanons]

National Holidays in the Ninja Villages + Bonus

I've had this idea in mind for a while, and now I finally got to write it down. Feel free to use these for your own works. Please tag me so I can read em all! <33

Iwagakure: The Lunar Lights of Gratitude The moon has a special place in the heart of every Iwa citizen. To them, it is a part of the earth, now observing its mother body from space. So naturally, the spectacle of a blue/super moon is a special occasion in Iwagakure. To honor and greet the moon, which is actually called "daughter" in the earth country's language, large fireworks are organized every new moon after a blue moon. As previously established, the earth country's firework industry is the largest, which Iwa shinobi are very proud of. Lighting the sky on fire and turning night into daytime is the Iwa way of giving back some of the light that the moon gives us at night.

Kirigakure: The Moonshine Sea Festival Despite the rivalry between the land of earth and the land of water, there is one thing they have in common, which is their spiritual connection to the moon and space. To water country citizens, especially the fishermen, the moon is a protector and guardian of the night, along with the stars. They strengthen the their connection to their biggest source of both faith and fear: the sea. The special climate in the water country, combined with its great biodiversity give a great habitat for biolumescent plankton, turning the sea itself into a starry night sky. It is one of the only pieces of culture that has been preserved, since the celebration itself was founded by the water country's union of fishermen, who don't belong to a particular clan with a kekkei genkai; most of the kekkei genkai wielders in Kiri have been wiped out, along with their culture, traditions and religions.

Sunagakure: Winter's Return The wind country is often ravaged by agonozingly hot summers, sand storms and heat waves are not a rarity in this country. While foreigners might groan and roll their eyes at the thought of the return to cold, foggy winter days, in Sunagakure it is a day for celebration. On the day where the sun stays for the longest, in the middle of the year, a large celebration is held across the nation. The way it is celebrated is different from family to family, and every Suna family is convinced that their way is the right one. Typically, markets are closed the whole day, and any missions rank B or below are halted for the day.

Kumogakure: Whale Festival of Generosity During winter, whales can be found emigrating along the lightning country's coast line, towards the land of iron. This holiday once came to be to celebrate the whales emigration towards a more prosperous habitat to mate and provide enough food for their young - a truly generous gesture. Over the years, many kumo shinobi have forgotten the old tale behind this festival, and it has turned into more of a mere gift giving occasion. And yet, it is widely popular and celebrated throughout the whole country.

Konoha: Cherry and Plum Blossom Viewing In Konoha, Hanami is annually celebrated. It is a custom celebrating the transitionary nature of cherry and plum blossoms blooming in spring.

BONUS: Uchiha Clan Honoring one's ancestors and traditions is of high importance to the Uchiha. Every year, on a clear fall night, the whole clan gathers together to light up little candles using their katon. The tealights are arranged in the Uchiha crest and left to light up the night and the clan share the evening together eating dinner, drinking hot tea and praying at the nakano shrine.

That's all, folks!

#naruto #naruto shippuden #naruto headcanons #naruto scenarios #naruto imagines #naruto fanfiction #headcanons #naruto meta #naruto worldbuilding #worldbuilding #konohagakure #kirigakure #iwagakure #kumogakure #sunagakure #uchiha #uchiha clan

[dailyadventureprompts]

Monsters Reimagined: Asmodeus, Lord of all Hells

I think I know what may be happening....You’re trying to atone me, and I didn’t do anything wrong...You want to know what I’ve always hated about mortals? why I spit on your forgiveness, why I loathe your redemption? To reach a hand down to somebody they need to be beneath you,

And I’m Beneath Nobody.

Brennan Lee Mulligan as Asmodeus for Exandria Unlimited: Calamity

@pikablob​ was asking about my ideas on devils and mentioned Asmodeus in the process, and while I’ve already done a monster’s reimagined on devils, I figured it was a good opportunity to talk about my take on the biggest of big bads. To summarize, I like to go back to the mythological roots of devils less as agents of a universal evil but as individual manifestations of judgment, looking to test or punish mortals for their failings. This ( along with Brennan’s showstopping performance in calamity) gave me the idea of an Asmodeus as the ultimate critic of mortalkind, an entity that can see all of our flaws and nothing of our virtues.

TLDR:  There are many evil gods, wicked things that preside over cruelty and misfortune in all its forms, but there are few that would claim to be the god of evil itself. Though to hear the lord of all hells tell it, there is nothing touched by mortals that is NOT evil: no act that is not in some way rooted in self interest, no moment of self determination that is not a transgression, no soul that is not some way corrupted. To allow the Father of Sin into your heart is to accept that people are fundamentally wicked creatures deserving of punishment, and that punishment cannot come soon enough.

Bio: Ruling from the lowest depths of the pit, Asmodeus sits a throne surveying an empire built on torture and damnation and deems it insufficient. There is evil in the multiverse and that evil is called mortals, things gifted with the tiniest spark of life who every day choose the wickedness of existence. His purpose is  to be the scourge that drives the animal towards the slaughterhouse, to take hold of mortal life and shape it into useful purpose, with the only useful purpose being the ultimate destruction of all wicked things

The hypocracy of being an evil god punishing evil does not for a moment shake Asmodeus. Spirits cannot choose their nature, nor can animals, but mortals which live in the intersection choose to be evil every day, and worse yet, have the capability to choosing evil at any time. In spite of his divine status, and in many ways because of it, Asmodeus is actually incapable of perceiving good in mortals, believing that good intentions or earnest affection are yet more lies and hasty justifications that mortals buffer themselves with to excuse their faults and selfish action. None can then judge the atrocities he commits because none are without sin, even if to find that sin he needs to peel back layers of causality and unconscious feelings to find a thread of wrongdoing. 

To purge the universe of the blight of mortals Asmodeus cultivates power and fear: Power in the form of legions of devils and devoted servants who’s hateful hearts he feeds like a furnace, fear in the form of agents which sow division in mortal hearts and a myriad of private hells filled with infinite forms of torment.

Swear to serve Asmodeus, say his mouthpieces, and you will be spared the infinite torment when the boot on your neck breaks through to your spine, or when his hordes come to put your home to the torch.  Give up on the falsehoods of hope, love, and kindness,  visit punishment on others and you may be rewarded for your service

Behind the scenes: I’ve talked quite a lot about how d&d uses the idea of objective evil as a staple of its worldbuilding, and how in doing so it ends up falling face first into pro genocide rhetoric. In attempting to make badguys that the party is 1000% justified in killing on sight it ends up stumbling into some very fucked up thought experements.    Monsters in vanilla d&d arn’t just evil because they do bad things, but they do bad things because they are inherently evil:  They pillage, they enslave, they despoil, not because these things benefit them ( as it invariably gets them killed by adventurers) but because these acts serve as an outlet for their wicked natures.

If our heroes’ enemies are fundamentally evil, then any action which opposes them must be good, and any pillaging, enslaving, or despoiling the party does can be excused provided the targets belong to the designated ingroup. This is almost identical to the reasoning that was used by crusaders, conquistadors, slave owners, and fascists, and what is now being used by the evangelical to deny people rights and life-saving aid to this day.

What I wanted with Asmodeus was an entity that looked at the party like a group of murderhobos look at an orc: an ugly brutish thing that is only useful in so far as its suffering and death can benefit them.  Maybe it’ll be funny if they make it beg for its life. The party feel they’re justified in this because they know the orc is objectively evil ( because the books said so), just like Asmodeus is justified in plucking the souls from mortals and making them suffer for eternity because he knows, in his flawed omniscience, that they are deserving of it.

Signs: The sounds of tortured souls wailing from below, symbols of power glowing red hot, the manifestations of lesser devils.

Symbols: A five pointed star made of jagged metal, a black throne or crown atop numerous bodies.

#monsters reimagined #asmodeus #fiend #divinity: pain #divinity: death #divinity: punishment #divinity #deity #mid level #high level #villain

[kathaynesart]

My biggest fear about Mutant Mayhem isn’t the movie itself, but the fan reaction leading up to it. I don’t want to see people give this a cold shoulder cause they’re bitter Rise got cancelled. I love Rise as much as the next fan, but this movie looks way too great to be even mildly annoyed. I want it to succeed, and for it to be appreciated as another take on the TMNT for its unique identity, animation, personality, and dumb teen energy that’s so infectiously lovable from the trailer already. Your thoughts?

Totally understandable and I think you make some good points. I do think the new version looks really fun. I doubt it will become a new hyper-fixation for me (Rise is the first one to capture my interest in such a way in over 8 years and it does not happen often), but I definitely think it deserves some love and attention.

To Rise fans who are still (understandably) bummed I would suggest this: if you can, go support Mutant Mayhem. If only because the TMNT franchise, like all long running intellectual properties, needs fuel and ongoing proof of its relevance. Give it money and it will give back. TMNT has a proven track record of bringing back old series via crossover movies at the very least. So I would expect nothing less than for the same to happen for Rise. But they need money to do that. Not just from a “greedy capitalistic” angle, but to be able to support all the hard working creators that pour over it.

In the end, animation is one of the most expressive and transparent forms of cinema and I feel like you can really tell when love is put into something, even if the style/theme might not be your specific jam. Just like Rise, this movie seems to have a lot of the same love infused within it and I appreciate that and will show my support for that reason.

[demonhuntingcaterpillar]

When Cursed Child was released there was uproar about the difference between Harry and Draco as fathers. Fans were upset that Draco Malfoy was such a calm, understanding father while Harry was a bit of a hot head. It was hard to grasp the distinct difference between the two characters as fathers. I’ll just resolve this whole issue with one word: Narcissa.

The biggest difference between Harry and Draco’s childhood is a mother’s love. Harry did not know what it was like to be parented or loved until he was 4 ft tall. Whereas Draco had grown up with a loving mother who cared for him while he was ill and tucked him in bed each night. Draco being such a good father to Scorpius makes sense because he had two polar opposites as parents. There was Lucius, who loves fiercely but his love is entirely conditional. And while I believe Lucius loved Narcissa more than life itself, he put his Death Eater duties and his thirst for power over his love for his son.

Narcissa was a different story entirely. Even though she married into the cause, she never took the dark mark. I believe this was because she saw what it required of Bellatrix, Regulus, and Lucius. She did not want to have to choose between Voldemort and Draco, because she knew she would always choose Draco. When Draco came of age, Lucius wanted to send Draco to Durmstrang. Even though Narcissa came from a world of pure bloods, she decided they would send Draco to Hogwarts. Prioritizing Draco’s safety over blood purity. This tells us she will choose Draco over Death Eater values. I believe losing her sisters and Regulus made Narcissa hyper aware of possible dangers and ever protective of her son. During his first year, we know it was hard on Narcissa to be away from Draco because she sent him sweets and letters daily. She is consistently protective of him, especially when Lucius must go to Azbakan. She bears her teeth and throws Sirius’s death in Harry’s face. Again, choosing Draco over anyone else, including her dead cousin Sirius. When Voldemort decides to make Draco take the mark as a punishment for Lucius’s mistakes, Narcissa sees his actions for what they are. She risks her life, along with her sister’s, in order to ask Severus to make the unbreakable vow. Narcissa gives Draco her wand during the war to be able to protect himself after Harry takes Draco’s. This leaves her and Lucius completely defenseless while Voldemort is LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE. They are in the midst of a war and Narcissa goes wandless for Draco. And finally, when Harry gives his life in the Forbidden Forest, Narcissa makes her biggest bad bitch mama bear move yet. She uses occlumency and lies to possibly the most powerful Legilimens ever, Lord Voldemort. She knows Draco is at Hogwarts, she knows he is more important to her than life itself. So when faced with this choice for maybe the billionth time in this woman’s life - Voldemort or Draco - she chooses Draco. Something her husband never had the balls to do.

So don’t come for me telling me Draco couldn’t have been a better parent than Harry. Don’t come for me telling me how terrible his father was and how there is no way a prat like Draco Malfoy could be understanding, forgiving, and loving. He knew what it was like to grow up with people hating/fearing him because of his father. He grew up knowing what it was like to be in the shadow of grand expectations, and what it was like to fail them. He grew up knowing the love of a mother’s touch and feeling Narcissa’s unconditional love. Draco Malfoy is an amazing father because Narcissa was an amazing mother. She put her love for Draco before blood status, before her husband, before life itself… which is exactly why Draco prioritized Scorpius’s happiness above everything else.

There’s a reason fanfic writers do everything but portray Narcissa as the Virgin Mary!!! She was just as good of a mother as Molly Weasley and Lily Potter. She was just as strong and brave and protective as Minerva McGonagall.

Sweet, loving Daddy Draco is canon and I will die on this hill.

#harry potter #hp #draco malfoy #scorpius #narcissa malfoy #lucius malfoy #draco #cursed child #harry potter and the cursed child #jk rowling #mothers love #canon #narcissa black #Narcissa #Scorpius Malfoy

[drdemonprince]

hi, devon. i’m a very socially anxious white autistic person who has been quite active in protests and some related events and actions the last couple of months. i really agree with your opinions on how white supremacy can shift our focus away from community, but i find it nearly impossible to actively parttake in community. i show up with a mindset of actively contributing but feel paralyzed when faced with the chance. i don’t really know how to make social connections in general, but i so badly want to contribute to community. i think white guilt kinda plays into things as well and that makes me so ashamed and then i spiral. ik it’s a lot but do you have advice on navigating a deep urge and feeling of responsibility (as it pretty much is my responsibility as someone who wants to fight for liberation) but feeling paralyzed whenever a chance to connect actually presents itself? i always end up fumbling and unintentionally rejecting people who try to connect w me as well. i used to be very politically active as a teen but that was through organisations with a lot of structure which enabled me to feel more able. i do whatever actions i can, but being hindered by my inability to form connections makes me worried i won’t be able to end up in the communities that fight for liberation in the long haul. i’m ready to this this for the rest of my life, but not alone.

I understand this feeling so much. Please keep at it. One of the biggest problems with the white supremacy brain disease is that it expects us to do more & more quickly than is reasonable or helpful to expect of a person. So it is very likely you are beating yourself up for not speaking up, for not jumping in to offer help, and for not asserting yourself to the degree that you think that you "should," but in reality many of those efforts would be misplaced or self-defeating if you were to embark on them right now. This is a long journey, and white supremacy culture believes in urgency above all things too, and so it's important for you to give yourself some grace as well as to accept that progress for you will be a long haul, and that's okay.

Many people have told me that becoming even a neutral member of a community as a white person is an uphill battle. So many of our impulses and the social tools that we wield actively destroy community. to learn to become a good community member, we have to listen and learn a lot, and keep showing up, and risk looking foolish, inert, useless, or whatever else we worst fear. If you're not doing much right now but still showing up, you might be a neutral member! That's a good start actually. Keep going.

Also try to keep an open heart and an open mind when people of color or longstanding members of the space challenge you, correct you, playfully tease you, or try to include you, even if it feels embarassing or like an attack -- it isn't an attack, but white supremacy brain will have you thinking that it is. If you read my essay Moments of Protest, I describe a moment like this at the Powwow I recently visited. Indigenous men singled me out, brought me into the dances, included me, taught me the moves, and gave me an award even tho I was doing a miserably bad job -- I was MORTIFIED and the white fragile person inside me wanted to run away and apologize for being so inept and never come there again. Instead, I pushed past my stupid ego and kept dancing and felt incredible gratitude in my heart. This kinda thing happens in a lot of POC-led activist spaces too. People will ask you your opinion, tell you how to contribute, correct you, include you, and it will humble you, and it will be scary at first, but do your best to just stick with it and stay present doing the thing, even if you feel red-faced and guilty. Slowly you will get more used to it and you don't reflexively withdraw or push people away. It took me no joke YEARS to get to this point. I used to flee instinctively or even be mad at people for bursting my self protective bubble. You can work through it.

A lot of my usual distress tolerance building advice also applies here (see my substack for more). But I think that if you are already showing up to actions a lot and are self-aware about it, you are on the right track. You just need to keep going. Attend organizing meetings, not just protests themselves if you can. Contribute your opinion when it is warranted. Don't beat yourself up for being silent sometimes and don't beat yourself up for disagreeing with people or having questions and your opinions. Accept conflict as a healthy form of intimacy and dont run away when a moment gets awkward. Just keep learning and retraining yourself and noticing the love that people show -- by offering food, by making jokes, by acknowledging your presence to make you feel welcome, by allowing you to be there and helping you to be a better version of yourself. we all have a long way to go in this work, but you can do it. you're already doing it! you got this.

[izzysillyhandsy]

How I learned to stop being angry and love the Death Scene (for now)

This may be a controversial take, but I've come to the conclusion that Izzy's death scene maybe wasn't badly written after all.

There is one big aspect of this scene that I really love: it was 100% in character for Izzy AND Ed (and everyone else too) at that point in their story.

BUT it only works if we are not expected to believe that 1. this was in any way a happy ending for any of them and 2. that this arc is finished.

If Izzy stays dead permanently, his death and the way it happened, what was said and notably what wasn't, was tragic for everyone involved - especially Ed - and we should feel bad about it. This isn't an uplifting scene of closure for either Izzy or Ed, and it is totally understandable that most Izzy fans were crushed by it (and Ed fans, even those who don't like Izzy, should be too!).

If there is no possibility that anyone, in any way, can talk to Izzy ever again and (in Ed's case) clean up the mess between them - then this is not a comedy any more. It's a tragedy. And it should be treated as such by the show and the creators (and this might be where disappointment lies waiting).

The death scene by itself though was fitting, if we look at where Ed and Izzy are on their character arcs at the end of S2. It played out exactly as I'd have expected.

Izzy - All about Eddie

The main problem I (and many others) had with Izzy's death scene is that it is all about Ed.

Izzy is apologizing for everything that happened, including Ed cutting his fuckin' leg off. He is reassuring Ed that he wants to go, it's ok, no need to be sad. He encourages Ed to be soft, emotional, himself. He tells him that his biggest fear, being unloveable to anyone except Izzy, isn't real - he has a family now.

And, now that I've had time to think about it, I realized: YES this is exactly what Izzy would do.

All of S2 was about Izzy breaking the chain, but until the end it was still all about Ed for him (because it's not as easy as cutting off a rotten leg, unfortunately). Izzy would make his last moments about Ed, trying to do as much good as possible in the short time he had left. Or, trying to undo as much of what he thought he'd done wrong.

And I really don't want to take away from Izzy's accomplishments and character growth in S2. He'd come so far already! After years and years of singleminded devotion and love he'd finally realized that their form of entanglement was destructive.

Izzy broke up with Ed in Ep2 - and it almost killed him both of them. He started to look for meaning outside of his relationship with Ed, rediscovering aspects of himself that had long been buried and forgotten. He began, tentatively, to form bonds to members of the crew and put himself out there, away from Ed's side, away from being Ed's voice and Ed's hands, ruled by Ed's emotions.

But there wasn't enough time: still, everything he did was, in one way or another, at least partly about Ed.

Whittling - a Blackbeard metaphor Training Stede - "What did he say about me specifically" La vie en rose - a love song about "the one" and promises for life Hiya boys - oh my god he's trying so hard here but this is killing him, isn't it Bonding with Stede at Jackie's - "He's a complicated man" The Ricky monologue - so much passion behind every word, not getting what you want, letting go of ego for something larger - the whole speech was (at least partly) about Ed

(I believe the first Ricky monologue about belonging is more about Ed than the crew and I know this is not a popular take. Still, for me it makes sense because this is how Izzy felt for decades. I don't think he has shaken that mindset yet - give up your ego, your own dreams and personality for something larger - Ed&Izzy or Blackbeard. When he says "he crew" it feels like a bit of an afterthought - there is a pause.)

So, at the end of S2, Izzy is not over Ed at all - he's deeply hurt, feels incredibly guilty (unreasonably so!) and is repressing a lot of what happened.

He's still so entangled with Ed - if this is his last chance to make things right, he will.

And as much as I would have loved seeing Izzy dying surrounded by his loving family, he wasn't there yet. Not as long as Ed was around. And I think the crew understood. They understood Izzy more then he understood himself at one point ("You're in a toxic relationship with Blackbeard"). They understood what he was going through, and they gave him space to say goodbye to the man he had loved for his whole life.

Izzy died how he lived - all wrapped up in Eddie. And at this point in his life, I wouldn't have expected anything else.

Ed - All about us, you and Me

I love the symbolism of these 2 frames - while Izzy's bloody hand is entangled in Ed's hair until death (and beyond), Ed's bloody hand is putting a distance between Izzy and everyone else but himself.

I wonder how Ed would have taken it if it had been the other way round - if Izzy had found himself a Stede at the start of S1.

I think not well is an understatement.

Even though Ed seems constantly annoyed by Izzy in S1 (and violently destructive towards him in S2), at no point did I get the impression that he actually wanted Izzy to leave, for Izzy to love him less intently or be less devoted.

But, it wasn't very much about Izzy as a person, or Izzy's happiness, or their shared happiness anymore. I think Ed saw himself and Izzy as "together forever, us two against the world", but without putting any work in or pausing to think how Izzy was actually feeling (and I am 100% sure that Ed knew how much Izzy loved him and how little love he got in return).

But being with Izzy was Ed's whole life, they were two halves of the same whole, and Ed even kinda expected Izzy to stay around after he fell in love with Stede ("We could have worked this out!") and didn't really think about how this never, ever could have worked out for the kind of relationship they were having (this is how Steddyhands... was so compelling actually).

So is it any wonder that, in Izzy's last moments on earth, Ed wants to have him all to himself? He sends Stede away. He signals the crew to stay (waaayy) back. He cradles Izzy in his arms, his back to the crew and everyone else who loved him.

And although, at the start, he tries to get a word in (to apologize back, to tell him he's forgiven) - Izzy dies without hearing anything that wasn't directly related to Ed and Ed's feelings.

Ed never tells him he loves him. He doesn't tell him how much Izzy will be missed for himself and not for what he could do for Ed. How important he was to Ed all those years.

The only thing Izzy gets from Ed before he dies is "You can't go. You can't leave me. Please! You're my only family."

What will happen to Ed? You can't do this to Ed! Ed has noone else! And as sad as this is, it is in character for him at this point in his life.

Ed is fundamentally a very self-centered (and self-hating) person, and his journey towards change had just begun with his death and rebirth. And just like Izzy, he would have needed much more time to grow (although Izzy'd gotten much, much further than Ed).

At Calypso's birthday, I think for the first time in forever, Ed saw Izzy as his own person, someone who he could actually love apart from this Ed-Izzy union they had going for so long. But only a few days (I guess?) later, Izzy dies.

So, at the end of S2, Ed still sees Izzy as "his" to a degree, sees him as one half of "us". He almost expects Izzy's last words to be about him (or them) and doesn't yet see Izzy as his own person, with his own feelings and ties to other people who might have wanted to say goodbye as well.

For Ed, Izzy died how he lived - wrapped up in Ed and Ed keeping everyone else away. Talking about himself only in relation to Ed. Izzy as a part of Ed that's vital and needed - but not itself in need of words of solace or other people's love (or any love, period).

Conclusion

At this point in Ed's and Izzy's life, the death scene and how it was written/acted is perfect, in my opinion. But for the characters, it's incredibly tragic.

Izzy never got what he wanted most - Ed's love. He died believing almost his whole life was a mistake, keeping Ed from his true self for far too long and destroying him in the process. In the end, the crew who had unconditionally loved and accepted him, stood at a distance, and the man he still loved over anyone and anything else never told Izzy what he meant to him - and now he never will.

Ed was absolved of his guilt and maybe, in the moment, he even believed it. But of course everything that happened in S2, and everything before that, wasn't (only) Izzy's fault and in the future, Ed has to deal with that. Only now there is no Izzy here to work it through with, and to make amends, no one who was there for it all and who knows parts of Ed best. When Ed finally realizes what Izzy meant to him, it will be too late.

So, if we get a S3 and nothing is ever made of all of this, if Izzy is really dead and the Ed/Izzy dynamic is done and dealt with, then it was bad writing (and I am so afraid that will actually happen).

But as it stands, I'm beginning to love the scene for what it is: a tragic, consistent ending for two characters that I love deeply.

But please don't tell me this was a kind ending.

#ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd meta #izzy hands #edward teach #this got longer than expected #but it's a more positive take #I guess I want to make sense of it all - even Ep8 #and I want to love this show again!! #rewatching S1 right now and wow - I'm not ready to give this up yet

[secretwhumplair]

Awakening

1,006 words | Mirai and the serpent king (sequel to Nightfall)

Content | Slavery, fear, nudity, non-con touch/kissing

Notes | Exciting developments! Mirai is introdused to his new living situation!

Taglist | @yet-another-heathen @echo-goes-aaa @whumpinator

»Good morning, Mirai.«

Mirai blinked his eyes open, and for a wonderful moment, he didn’t know where he was. He was comfortable and warm, and barely hurting or hungry. Someone had just softly called him by his actual name.

The first thing he saw, however, were smooth brown scales which started to shift as the serpent king leant over him and kissed his temple.

It took him several seconds after snapping back into his usual obedient, mercy-seeking mindset—with an aching sting through his chest from remembering something sweet and long-gone—before he remembered his new master wanted him to speak. »Good morning, Master.«

His voice was as wrecked as ever, and that fully grounded him back into reality.

»Have you slept well?« The serpent king’s fingers ran through his hair.

»Yes, Master. Thank you, Master.« It was true. He had been so exhausted that even surrounded by his terrifyingly overpowering and enigmatic master, he had slept deeply and dreamlessly.

And he was grateful for it.

»That’s good.« The serpent king cupped his cheek, kissed his forehead, and then got up out of the bed. »Get dressed. I will show you where you’ll live.«

Mirai was quick to obey, and while he closed the clasps of the excuse for clothing he had been given, the serpent king continued.

»There’s something important you need to know, Mirai. You will live with my other pretty things. You all are at liberty to interact with each other as each one involved pleases, but if someone hurts you in any way or makes you uncomfortable, you may tell me. If it cannot wait, you may tell the guards to tell me. I want all of you to be cared for and I will not tolerate bullying or petty games.«

Mirai looked up at him, a whole new world of worries suddenly opened up to him. »Th-thank you, Master.«

Once again, the serpent king must have sensed his fear. He smiled down at him. »Don’t worry, they’ll love you. But I want you to know you are not without recourse if anything happens.«

He led the way out of the room, and Mirai followed him, trying to shake his newfound anxieties.

»Further, if there is anything else you need or want, you may ask also. I may say no, but you will never be punished for inquiry.«

»Thank you, Master«, Mirai muttered, barely managing the words out loud. There was a lump in his throat. This all sounded so good.

There had to be a catch somewhere.

The serpent king brought him to a door flanked by two guards, who bowed their heads respectfully, but not without giving Mirai curious glances. One opened and let them in.

The room was large, the side opposite the door once more consisting of arched windows, framed with heavy curtains on either side. Multiple doors lined the other walls, some ajar, others closed. The room was furnished with several tables, couches both after the fashion of the legged folk Mirai was familiar with, and designed as oval-shaped platforms similar to the throne, as well as various seat cushions. Shelves held board games, books, and other knickknacks. Lamps hung on the walls between the doorframes, albeit currently extinguished.

More than the design of the room itself, though, what caught Mirai’s attention were its occupants.

They were all very beautiful. It was about a dozen, half serpentkind, ranging in colour and size from a slender, brown-patched woman to an olive-green man spotted in yellow and black and larger than the biggest guard Mirai had seen yet, half humans, from a woman as blue-black as night with long, neat locs to a fire-headed man as pale as birch bark. There was one slender-legged, shiny-coated bay centauress, and one other elf, bronze-skinned and curly-haired. His bright eyes found Mirai immediately, and Mirai could feel nothing but shame worse than the others put into him, even knowing they were in the same position.

Well, they weren’t, truly. This stranger, most likely, could sing.

All were dressed in attire somewhat similar to his, terribly exposed, but each different from one another, clearly designed to suit the person it adorned.

And all turned towards the opening door, looking curiously at the serpent king or the new slave he had brought.

Mirai felt awfully exposed; for a moment he had the childish impulse to hide behind his master. But that was as ridiculous as it was stupid. These people were likely much less of a threat to him. He had lived in households with several slaves before; even if they couldn’t do anything to help one another—sometimes banned from even touching, all touch belonging to their masters—it had been a bittersweet comfort not to be alone in his misery.

Yet, that all meant he was even more worried about making a bad impression.

The serpent king did loop around Mirai once more. »This is Mirai, sweets. Rizi, will you show him around?«

A tawny-skinned human with soft black waves on their head nodded. »Of course, Master.« The fiery-coloured silk bands of their decor, Mirai noticed, framed a pair of fine scars crossing their chest; delicate enough to have been masterfully made without resistance, but not wholly removed by magic, the way the dog bites on Mirai’s skin had been. They smiled at Mirai, and Mirai felt a spark of comfort.

The serpent king moved away from around Mirai, then paused. »One more thing. You will have Hishissa lessons every day. This is your home now; I want you to learn the language. Do you know how to read and write?«

»Only… only Nirezali, Master.« He had not, when he was receiving what little education he got, expected to leave the country he had been born in. No one in his family had. How and why would they?

»Then you will have lessons in that also. Make yourself at home,« he added, smiling at him one last time. »Have a good day, sweets.«

And with that, he left him to the others.

#whump #whump writing #my writing #slavery whump #mirai and the serpent king #mirai #eshihir

[beskarinhyperspace]

A Ripple In Space

Silly girl, I need you alive..

More Chapters | Masterlist

1. More Air 

*Mature, Explicit, NSFW*

wc.3.4k

You have been kidnaped and brought on the finalizer where you meet the famous Kylo Ren. The one who brought so much fear and destruction to the galaxy. Not being able to know the truth about your identity, he keeps you imprisoned on his ship.

[Kylo Ren x femReader]

*Canon Divergence, slow burn, softdom, hurt/comfort

**Kylo is supreme leader, Rey? we don't know her..

Tags; slow burn, fluff, eventual smut, angst, comfort, touch starved kylo, fools in love, shy/insecure kylo, he needs a hug, feelings, top kylo ren, reader insert, no y/n, female reader, pet names.

+ Italics are thoughts. +

The night was cold, like all the previous ones you've had since you embarked on the finalizer. It was by far, the biggest ship you've seen from all your years fighting against the first order. You just wish you could explore it, especially since you’re trapped in a cell right now. All this big and spacious spaceship and you're stuck in this shoebox. You were sitting on the bed with your back against the wall when you hear a voice coming from across the room. “Hey, get up..”  and you do, walking towards the door. Gawking at the sight of the two stormtroopers waiting for you. One of them unclips a pair of handcuffs off his tool belt. Which makes you roll your eyes to the sight of them. Sighing as you present your wrists so they can put it on you. Wondering where they were taking you this time. You never knew what leaving the cell had in store for you. Maybe today was finally the day you get to walk out free or worst, killed. As you begin to walk, your feet felt heavy navigating the corridors as you follow their fast pace. You didn’t get the chance of coming out of your cell very often, so you didn't really know what to expect on this ship. Especially since you've been here for months and nothing major has happened yet. It doesn't help that no one is giving you any information. Only getting the essentials. Food, water and a shower here and there. You see the soldier on your left pressing a button on his arm. Feeling a bit nervous arriving in front of a massive double door entrance, parting as you were approaching it. 

The room was echoing, windows were covering the walls almost in its entirety. You were able to see ships arriving and departing the docking station from the other side of the vessel. The room was dark and mostly empty. There was a sofa back to the wall near the door and a desk with only two seats in front of it. Walking closer to the desk, you see a tall man standing near it. Staring outside the window facing the view in front of him. 

The man was broad and intimidating. Everything he was wearing was black and made of leather except for his cape who seemed to be made of wool. As you are approaching, he turns around slowly. Immediately you noticing the mask covering the man's face. You try to swallow your nervousness, but it’s getting stuck in your throat. It’s him..  

“The one you asked for, sir.” one of the soldiers say. 

The stoic man simply nods to the troopers who are now walking away. Your hands were getting wetter as they left, leaving you alone in this grand, dark and empty room with him. He remained silent as he walks towards you. Looking at you up and down. You felt scared, but mostly uncomfortable by his awkward gaze. “Why am I here?” you finally ask, no longer able to keep the tension going. 

He tilts his head, “why do you think you’re here?” speaking through his modulator in a calm yet playful way.  

“I don’t know you tell me.” Slowly getting impatient. You were on edge by the lack of clues you're getting in this hell hole. 

He takes a hand, coming closer to your face and closed his eyes as he starts to focus. What is he doing? He's freaking you out. Suddenly you feel it tingling. A vibration trying to push itself into your mind. What is this? You hold as much as you can. Is he the one doing this? After a moment, realizing that he can't get inside your head. He looked surprised, almost shocked but he can't let you know that. “I know what you are and what you do. I know everything there is to know about you.” he claims firmly.  

Your eyes rounds up to his words. If he knows, you need to warn the others. So many lives could be at risk. You need to play dumb, say something.. “I think you have the wrong person here sir. I don't even know what you're after.” You reply trying really hard not to cough as you feel the anxiety coming back to your throat.  

In a quick movement, he throws his arm up, extending it in your direction. You begin to feel a weird sensation passing on your stomach before it slowly moves to your chest. The warm yet soft touch, crawls upward to envelop your throat. You can feel it tightened as you’re being dragged across the floor. Having no control over your body whatsoever before it brings you right in front of him. Floating mid-air, feet slightly above ground. The invisible force around your neck was preventing you from breathing. Feeling your chest compressing as you try to reach out for air. He holds his hand firmly in your direction before he starts to walk towards you. “Do you take me for a fool?” voice laced with anger. You couldn't place a single word even if you wanted to. Your face was becoming redder by the second from the lack of oxygen in your lungs. On another hand, the supreme leader seemed to be enjoying watching you suffer at his mercy. “You and your little friends won’t be the end of me. Mark my words, I will kill them, I will kill them all!” He yells out to you. His voice-corder cracking to the intensity of his outburst. You were still struggling to breathe. Panicking as you were trying to remove the invisible hand wrapped around your throat.  

Noticing that your breathing is slowly slowing down. He lets go of his grip as he's watching you fall to your hands and knees. No longer in the air, you were desperately searching for your breath. Feeling your throat dry and in pain, you cough a couple of times before speaking. “Sir, no one wants to come at you..”  

“What are you talking about?” He asks confused. 

You look at him from below, taking a deep breath before pulling yourself back up on your feet. “I’m saying that everybody is scared of you, why would anyone try to come directly at you..” saying to him as if it wasn't obvious. 

Which pissed him off more, “That’s not what my sources have told me. If you want to get out of here alive, I suggest you change your attitude.” Now moving closer to you. He gently pushes a fallen strand of hair framing your face, back. You can hear the static of his modulator as he whispers softly into your ear, “It would be such a shame to kill such a pretty girl, but I wouldn’t hesitate..” 

You felt incredibly small and powerless as you try to control your shaking body. Why do you suddenly feel so hot? It's not like you knew what he looked like underneath his mask. Maybe he was ugly, could you imagine feeling this kind of way about a super old crispy man. Chills were rising up your back. While you were anxiously trying to recenter yourself, all you could hear were his muted modulated chuckles. “That’s enough for today.” he says, pressing a button on his arm. The hissing sound of the door sliding open echoed in the room, seeing the same soldiers reappear. “Take the girl back.” He orders them cold and firm. 

As he’s about to turn around you can see him moving his fingers slowly. Feeling the same previous sensation going down on your stomach before it moves to the side of your hip and thigh. You don’t have time to process what is happening as you’re being quickly picked up from under both of your arms. Your feet didn’t touch ground once as you were dragged back into your cell. 

Being thrown inside of it, you see a plate of food waiting for you. Although upon seeing the supreme leader today, you were now more afraid than ever to eat it.  Scared it might've been poisoned but you didn’t care. You had too many emotions going on inside of you to have any kind of appetite right now. As you move directly towards the bed, you get under the covers before hiding yourself fully underneath. The complete silence of your prison cell was making you crazy. What do I do? What can I do? He might be wrong about a detail or two, but he knew you did something and that is still too much for him to know. You cry as you start to shiver a little. The room wasn’t even that cold anymore, but you couldn’t help it. Feeling completely drained by your day. You could’ve died today, and no one would’ve have known since no one knew where you were. All you could think about was your sister. Wondering if she was okay. You knew she was probably at home well and alive. Trying to convince yourself of that fact was doing very little to comfort you. You were way too overwhelmed to have any rational thoughts right now. The lack of human contact and basic needs were killing you inside. The last time you saw her was two, three months ago? You didn’t even know how long you’ve been here. Having no clear indication of time really played with your sanity at this point. The days were all starting to blend together but tonight thinking about her helped a little.  

__ 

Three days has gone by since you touched the food, they brought to you in daily. On a normal day, you just stayed in bed creating songs or searching for flaws inside the cell. There was a small window letting you see the outside, but the ship hasn’t really moved. Which gave you the same view for days now. You were talking to yourself aloud when you see a stormtrooper enter your cell. He tilts his helmets looking at you before walking around the tight space. Looking like a mad man as he searches out your bunk. Throwing the covers off your bed as well as the mattress. Shocked and in fear, you try to make yourself as small as you possibly can. Pushing yourself back into a tight corner. Trying to remain calm as he does his checkup, not wanting to interfere. “All clear.” you hear him speak simultaneously pressing a command on the side of his helmet. You watch him walk away relieved as you let out a blow of air. You don’t know what he was looking for but you’re for sure happy they didn’t find it here. That was the first time something like this ever happened since you're here. Useless to say that you were freaking the fuck out. After a moment of attempting to relax and calm yourself down. You thought that refusing food would've been harder. Dying by famine was probably not your best way out but you were content with it. You just wished you could see your sister one more time before leaving. On another hand you'll see your parents again which you miss painfully. You had less energy as time went by, so you tried to move as little as possible to conserve your energy. Lost in your thoughts, you jump as you hear the swooshing of your cell door sliding open again. Forcing you to straight up to the guard who doesn’t need to talk for you to understand as he shows you a pair of handcuffs in his hand.  

Once they were on, you start walking the corridors. Curiously looking at the other troopers roaming the ship. You recognize the path you were taking. It is the same one you previously used to see the Supreme Leader. Quickly recollecting what happened the last time you were in his office. His hand chocking you as you were floating in the fucking air. That’s it I’m going to die tonight.. 

Arriving in front of the grand double doors, the soldier's halts. The one on your right moves his hands closer to your arms, removing your restraints. Gesturing with his helmet to get inside. Are they not going to follow you inside? Now this is weird, you truly have no idea what to expect anymore. He probably regrets not killing you the last time he had the chance. Maybe he simply wants to talk to you. That's a possibility, right? Either way you were stressed. You didn’t want to find out, you didn't want to be here at all. If you were to die on this ship, you'd prefer it to be alone, safe and peacefully thinking about your loved ones. 

As you walk inside the darkly dimmed room, you slowly move cautiously. Hearing the supreme leader breathes as if he was near you. Although you can clearly see him from across the room. He was looking outside the window just like the last time you were here. 

“Why are you not eating?” voice cracking from the electronics of his voice-corder. 

You stay firm, trying not to show fear, “Is this what this is about? Why do you care if I live or..” 

He turns around sharply cutting you off, “Silly girl, I need you alive..” now raising his voice at you.  

You roll your eyes to him before he starts rushing towards you. Coming to you way closer than you would've liked. You prepare yourself to choke as you see his hand moving towards your face. Your blood becoming cold to the knowledge of your apparent death. Dropping a single tear along your cheek thinking about your sister, leaving her to be reunited with your parents. 

Instead, you see him bring his finger up to catch it. Talking low and soft in contrast to his previous outburst. “I’ve been trying to read your mind, but you’ve seemed to have closed yourself to the outside. Sadly, I don’t know if I was misinformed by my sources but until I find out, I need you to eat and keep your attitude in check. Surely you can manage to do that?" asking you as he pushes your hair off your shoulder. You don’t dare to speak, simply nodding as a confirmation. Maker how long will he keep you here? He takes his thumb to softly caress your bottom lip with the tip of his gloved fingers before quickly pulling his hand away, clenching it into a fist.   

You can hear the crinkling of the leather. As he’s about to turn away, you stop him, “Then why have you tried to kill me last time..”   

He stays still, puzzled by your question. “Why do you have a death wish?”  

You can hear the smile in his tone as you keep yours neutral. If you're trapped on this ship you need to find out why. Yes, he can't read your mind but why does he need to anyway? You can't possibly be this valuable to him. Maybe you can make him open up by pushing him a little. “I don’t, but I would’ve liked to see the face of my killer before I die..” 

He tenses up to your statement not knowing what to really think of it. “Is there a problem with my helmet pretty girl?” asking arrogantly. 

Did he just call you pretty? No stop that, you need to stay focus here. You lock your eyes to were you think his are through the helmet. “No, I just think that only cowards cover their faces. Especially when they kill..” 

You hear him breathing hot and heavy. Thinking that you've finally done it. He’s going to lose it and kill you on sight. Instead, he removes his helmet in a quick single motion. His eyes looked tired with bag under them, pained as he’s staring into yours intensely. You wondered what happened to him. His eyes were so soft yet so lost. Your face starts to relax as he remains silent. Giving you time to observe and analyze him like he did with you. His lips were twitching as if he was fighting to stay calm. When he sees yours slightly parting as if you’re about to speak, he begins walking straight to you. His cape moving stiffly behind him. Now being able to smell him from the proximity. You were probably too afraid last time to notice it. Smelling a clean scent mixed with leather and metal as he gets closer to you. 

“Are you satisfied?” he demands, his voice vibrating and shaking a little. Oh yeah, he's anxious.. 

You only nod to him in response. You had to admit, he was truly something. You were honestly stunned by his features. How can he be this beautiful? That can't be the supreme leader, right? He wasn't old like you did previously guess. No, you were wrong, he was actually cute. He seemed a bit older than you which you didn't really mind. He had long raven hair going almost to his shoulders. His curls looked soft even pushed back away from his face. He was large and tall, especially compared to you. Slowly leaning to your lips, you feel his breath tingling your jaw as you close your eyes. You don't know why but you're ready to let him do whatever he's about to do.  

“Good” he replies simply quickly pulling himself away. 

You open your eyes extremely confused. Did I do something wrong? 

“Come get the girl..” You hear him speak eagerly between breaths into his wrist.  

In a matter of seconds, you see the doors opening while he stays unmoved. Taking a moment to stare at you before putting his helmet back on, turning away to go back to his past position. You try to stop the soldiers from picking you up like last time, but they still do. You protest saying that you can walk by yourself and that they're hurting you but one of them reaches to his hip. Unclipping a glowing stick from his belt. All you can hear is the quick sound of electricity before letting out a cry of pain. The adrenaline caused by the high frequency voltage was debilitating. Making you fall automatically to the ground, moving your knees instinctively fast to your stomach. As the guard was about to strike you with another hit, you hear the static of a modulated voice. “What are you doing !?” He yells to the soldier. 

The man appeared lost, not knowing what he did wrong as he looks to his partner. The supreme leader extends his arm, throwing him into the wall before turning to look at the other. “Just bring her back..” He orders him, speaking through his teeth angrily. 

Back into your cell, you were lying on your bed trying to calm yourself down. You were still feeling dizzy from the attack. Although all you could think about was the supreme leader. He was leaving you with more questions than answers. He was hot, then cold.. He almost killed you, but then he needs you alive. He is violent but then talks to you softly. The way he looked at you, you could've sworn he wanted something from you or was it all in your head?  

What does he want? 

--

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[ladymarycrawley]

Let me ease your pain - John Stones

As I'm going through some tough days I thought writing sth would have helped me so here we go. I've imagined it differently in my head, it's not proofread so don't expect too much.

This is dedicated to @johnstonesfc who's going thorugh some hard moments to, stay strong bestie 🤍

Warning: mentions of death

Tag list: @masonxomount, @prideofpd, @chelsealover, @stonesyy

Death has been and will always be one of humanity's bigger, if not the biggest, mysteries ever: seeing your loved ones fly away from you, people that shared a significant part of their lives gracing yours being taken away from you is terrible, especially if this happens all of a sudden. The moment you get that hateful news it feels as if the ground under your feet magically disappears and start thinking about everything you could have said and done to let that person feel loved or to make them feel your love and, in the end, you always fear you didn’t do enough while that person was alive.

You were sure most people would have felt that way while acknowledging the passing away of someone close or at least it was how you felt the moment you got the news about your relative.

You couldn’t believe it at first, it couldn’t be real. The way your head started spinning around urged you to sit on the sofa behind you, fearing you might have passed out any moment.

Uncontrollable sobs started shaking your body as well but not a hint of tears down your face, only groans of pain leaving your throat. Desperate cries echoed through the walls of your house but it felt as, at the same time, you couldn’t give enough voice to the grief making his way through your body.

John wasn’t there at the moment, he was with his physio to recover from his groin injury but you hoped with every fibre of your soul he would open that door giving access to your house as soon as possible.

When he came back home from his session he found your figure bent over itself, your head in your hands as your gaze was fixed on the wall before you, staring at it blankly.

His eyes were wide open as he caught sight of your figure.

“Y/N?”

You moved your head to the side and the moment he made eye contact with your glossy orbs it was when he realised something really bad must have happened and therefore got really worried.

He jogged to where you were and knelt down to be at your height, taking your head in his hands.

“What happened?”

“My nan died”

John sighed and pulled you into his chest where you could finally let yourself go in a desperate cry where those hot tears that earlier didn’t happen to leave your eyes now were streaming down your face, soaking your boyfriend’s jumper.

“Shh, I’m here” He kept on whispering in your ear like a never stopping lullaby, while stroking your hair.

“I didn’t get to see her nor talk to her lately and I hate myself for it”

“Don’t, she loved you so much and you know that. I’m sure she didn’t care about it”

“But I feel so guilty” Your cry got even louder, sounding rather desperate.

“Don’t feel guilty baby, don’t have to”

You two stood there like this for a while, him holding you close to his chest trying to calm you down as your sobbing was slowly slowing down.

If seeing John home with an injury always left you with a bitter taste because you hated seeing him being forced away from the pitch, on that occasion you were somehow grateful for it because that meant you wouldn’t have to stay home alone with your negative thoughts pervading your mind.

Not many words were exchanged between you two the following moments as you weren’t feeling like doing so. John looked at you from afar, not wanting to bother you but feeling the need, at the same time, to ease your pain.

“You aren’t hungry, are you?”

You shook your head in denial, still sat in that same curled up position you had been staying in for the past hour or so, the only sound in the room being the tv turned on to try not to make you think about what just happened.

“Maybe I’ll prepare some snacks for later, whenever you’re hungry you can have them”

You nodded and, after what felt like a year, you succeeded in raising your stare to look at John taking some vegetables from the fridge, in the attempt to cook something tasty to make you happy. The way he loved you was moving and you were sure you weren’t deserving of such love but you tried to put aside that thought, for that night at least, and appreciate all of his sweet gestures without thinking if it was alright or not.

You got up and wrapped your arms around his waist, careful not to scare as he was holding a knife. At first he was a bit stiffened up, as he wasn’t expecting your hug but then, when he felt your cheek pressed against his back, he relaxed and smiled.

You were breathing in his scent with your eyes closed, as one of the few things that could make you feel at home no matter where you were.

“Thank you. I love you” You said as simply as that sounded. He put the knife down and gave a quick stroke to your hands before taking the right one and bringing it closer to his lips, to kiss your knuckles and your fingertips.

“I love you too”

You smiled and placed a gentle kiss between his shoulder blades and went back on the sofa, watching the latest Netflix’s teen movie or, better, using it as a background noise as your eyelids were slowly covering your eyes, meaning you were about to fall asleep.

John wanted to leave you your space so he kept on cooking and then doing the kitchen until he saw you with your eyes closed.

He woke you up gently and scooped you up in his arms. “I’ll take you to bed, you fell asleep watching that funny film” He answered sarcastically as he placed your tired body on your mattress, kissing your forehead.

You clutched his arm as he was going away from your shared bed.

“Stay here” The need to feel his touch was stronger than ever and he smiled knowingly.

“I was about to make some tea, do you fancy a cuppa?”

“The way you do it with a bit of milk?”

“Of course, that’s proper tea” He huffed, rolling his eyes playfully.

A little laugh left your mouth, abandoning your head against the pillow behind your head.

“Don’t be long”

“I won’t, turn on the tv and choose a good film…not that shit you’ve fallen asleep on”

“It wasn’t that bad” You protested in a low voice as he jogged down the stairs.

The weight you were carrying was so heavy you couldn’t avoid crying, not even when John came back holding your boiling hot mugs together with the snacks he prepared earlier on.

He didn’t say anything, just left the tray on his bedside table and slipped under the covers with you, pulling you closer to him so his arm was now resting behind your head and his other free hand was caressing your body, his thumbs drying up your warm tears silently.

“I’m glad we can stay home together these days…I don’t wanna be alone” Your sobs began shaking your body again and he promptly reassured you and engulfed you in his hug.

“You won’t. I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel safe and cheer you up”

You smiled and nuzzled your wet face in his chest.

“Including a hot bath, dinner in bed and all those things”

“I might consider the hot bath…”

“I’m included in the bath, for your info”

“Okay” You sighed “I’ll make this sacrifice of bathing with you” You replied ironically.

“Oh wow baby, you’re so kind” You kissed his lips with a giggle plastered on yours, before closing your eyes.

“I love you so much, John. You have no idea how much I do”

He smiled, letting his fingertips travel back and forth your arm wrapped around his neck.

“You have no idea how much I love you” John brushed your lips against your wet ones. “Much more than you”

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