#and there is something there that feels so true about being 14 year old socially illiterate misfits

[heesdreamer]

give it time

PAIRING ➩ heeseung x reader

SUMMARY ➩ being jakes twin sister, your reputation followed you around wherever you went. add on the fact you were a known man eating playgirl with a thing for nerds and you were heeseung’s worst nightmare

GENRE ➩ playgirl!au x inexperienced!hee

WARNINGS ➩ sexual scenes (no full smut sorry guys) and light slut shaming

WC. ➩ 14.03k

DISCLAIMER ➩ i don’t feel like i got to explore these characters enough so fyi im opened to one shot request or small drabbles for these two! feel free to send an ask if ur interested in a scene

Despite the common perception of you, you were not a complete and total monster.

Sure, the rumors were true in some aspects but in most cases things were warped and twisted as they danced from mouth to mouth and you were left with a bit of a startling reputation.

You leave too many freshman boys crying and suddenly you are the devil disguised in a perfectly polished and manicured body, girlish scents and cheeky smiles being used to lure your victims in to their death.

Frankly you thought this was all way too dramatized. You liked to play around, who didn’t, and it wasn’t your fault you had a very particular taste when it came to your boys. Death was dramatic, if anything their social meters skyrocketed after being seen with you.

“It’s immoral.” Your best friend was currently giving you his opposing opinion. Sunoo was laid across your bed and watching you carefully reapply your lipgloss in the large mirror on your desk. “Maybe even a little bit sick.”

You laughed at him, turning to face him fully and strike a pose. He gave a thumbs up at your outfit and smiled at you despite his scoldings.

Sunoo had been your friend for as long as you’d known what the word meant. He was a year younger than you but decades more mature and when you both started to change drastically, you still remained friends.

Most of the version of yourself you showed outside of this room was a carefully poised character, a show of beauty and confidence to ensure you weren’t belittled and were taken seriously in all aspects of life. Yet here, alone with Sunoo as you got ready for another Saturday night party, you were your rawest self.

“I can’t help what I like.” You continued on your conversation now that he’s approved your attire.

And you meant this from the bottom of your soul. You’ve tried to fall for other guys, tried to stare length at the football players and hope it stirred something awake in you and you could fulfill another cliche when it came to high school norms.

Yet it was earlier on in your years of puberty when you discovered your type, and oh god was it a discovery.

Park Sunghoon had stumbled off the summer camp bus behind a few girls you’d recognized from previous years. He was clutching his backpack strap with one hand and pushing his glasses up his nose with the other. To make matters worse (or better, depending on who you’re asking) he had tripped coming down the steps and nearly face planted in the dirt below him.

For the first time in your life, you were completely and utterly inlove. Or at least as inlove a sniffly 14 year old can be.

You’d had your first kiss that summer, hidden behind a bush on the final nights huge campfire and you blushed thinking about how Sunghoon’s hands were shaking and his eyes were wide when you pulled away.

That was the exact thing you’d gotten obsessed with. You never saw Sunghoon again, not at summer camp or anywhere around the city, but you constantly searched for him in other boys. You liked the awkwardness and shy glances and you liked the way you could almost see the corrupted thoughts in their mind after a few weeks with you.

Other people your age gushed over the charmers, the boys at parties who leaned against the wall and asked you to slip away into an uncleaned room. Sunoo sharing the same ideology considering the way he constantly fawned over somebody on the soccer team.

Which is why you didn’t get angry at him for his scolding, for his lack of understanding. It was an art form and not everybody could appreciate it.

“Y/N, kid. I told you I’m not waiting all night for you.” Deafening pounds on your door strictly reminded you of that fact.

You swung open your door with a scowl, ignoring the way Sunoo mumbled about his hatred for the nickname kid, and came face to face with your brother.

Jake was exactly two minutes older than you and spent your entire lives magnifying this fact at any given moment. His eyes scanned your outfits before looking behind you to Sunoo’s and he sighed softly.

“So we are going complete ‘embarrass my big brother’ tonight I guess.” His words caused you to roll your eyes and push on his shoulder so you could move past him out into the hallway.

Jake and you got along great despite your differences, something about the twin connection helping you be a lot closer than you might have been else wise considering everything else about you was completely flipped.

He was the star of your family in all things that truly seemed to matter to your parents, handsome and sociable and not to mention the captain of the football team.

“You’re not my big brother.” You mumbled as you passed him and he smiled at you and messed up your hair. You paused and waited for Sunoo at the top of the stairs, raising an eyebrow at the fact Jake was watching you with a strange expression.

“My friends are downstairs.” He started to explain and you furrowed your brows in confusion. When you’d first become cool enough to hang out with Jake’s friends, he had warned them and you about the consequences of dating each other, but he gradually realized they were absolutely not your type.

You imagined he still had to deal with comments, you were well known at school and undeniably conventionally attractive, plus Park Jay had definitely made numerous passes at you throughout the years.

“I’d rather jump down these stairs than fuck one of your friends Jake.” His mouth curled in disgust at your blunt words and you saw Sunoo laugh as he approached the two of you, closing your bedroom door.

“There’s a new kid on the team and I know how you are.” He was whispering but his tone was stern and you shook your head at him in annoyance.

“I’m not interested in jocks brother, I feel like we’ve been over this. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“The Sim’s! Looking fantastic as usual.” Jay’s voice floating up the stairs caused the three of you to turn in it’s direction and you immediately froze as you took in the other boys standing in your living room. You heard Jake sigh at your reaction and start to make his way down the stairs.

Standing amidst the usual crowd, Jay (your brothers absolute bestfriend of all time), Jungwon and Riki (two younger boys on the football team), was a boy you’d never seen before.

“Oh wow. This isn’t good.” Sunoo was whispering over your shoulder with a half smile as he followed your line of vision, patting you on the back and starting his way down the stairs after your brother.

The boy was a complete stand out amidst the others and their casual stances. They were dressed dark and sleek, eyes lazy and relaxed like there was nothing that could surprise them about how tonight would play out and by experience, you knew this to be true.

He was standing stiff as a board and ringing his hands uncomfortably, looking around your living room anxiously as he tried to take in the unfamiliar setting. You briefly mentally scolded the boys for letting him wear a sweater to a highschool party and then immediately thanked them for the same fact.

You were down the stairs and stood infront of him before he even processed you approaching and his eyes widened with surprise as he took a startled step back. Your hand was dangling in the middle of the both of you and he awkwardly took it in his.

“I’m Y/N Sim.” You practically purred at him and you vaguely heard Jay bark a laugh from a few feet behind you. The boys eyes darted over to your brother and his friends and then back at you with a curious expression.

“Heeseung.” His voice was quiet and unsure and you raised an eyebrow, keeping his hand in yours for longer than necessary. “Lee Heeseung.”

You repeated his name back to him with a smile, letting it roll off your tongue as you pushed some of your hair behind your ear. Normally by now you’d start to see the signs of infatuation, eyes darting down to your chest and breath catching when you leaned into their personal space.

Heeseung wasn’t doing either, in fact he just seemed more and more awkward and impatient as the seconds droned on. Your mouth twitched down in a shocked frown and you released your grip on his hand, watching as Jake wrapped an arm around his shoulder and ushered him away from you.

Your brother shot you a teasing smile over his shoulder, like he was mocking you for failing to catch his friends attention.

“Don’t look so gloomy sweetheart.” Jay’s voice was in your ear as you started walking to the car. “You’re going to eat him alive.”

——

You couldn’t take your eyes off of the boy.

He definitely had noticed your staring, awkwardly hovering in the corner of the party holding a completely full cup he’d been taking fake sips out of. Your brother had stuck with him for most of it before being dragged away by some other boys on the team for a game of cup pong.

You remembered the fact that Heeseung was supposedly on the football team too and you were suddenly curious what exactly he did. Maybe your brother had only mentioned it in an attempt to deter your advances.

He’d be disappointed to know it didn’t work, considering you were pushing off your seat at the kitchen counter and making your way to his side of the room.

When you were a few feet infront of him he seemed to realize you weren’t changing your course of movement and were in fact coming straight for him. He stiffened up against the wall and avoided looking at you.

“Hi Hee.” You ignored his behavior, leaning against the wall on your side so you could still look at him. You liked the slope of his nose and the way he nervously glanced at you from the corner of his eye.

“Hey Y/N.” He tried to sound casual but his voice cracked halfway through saying your name and your smile brightened, leaning forward slightly so your mouth was hovering closer to his ear.

“Not having fun?” You leaned back after you spoke, noting the way he held his breath when you got closer and shifted in his stance once you leaned back against the wall.

He shrugged softly and you watched the way his thin shoulders fell back down. He definitely wasn’t small, towering over you and about double your width but he was lean and pretty, not to mention the way he curled in on himself made him seem tiny.

“I know something fun we can do.” You were leaning back towards him, this time letting your hand fall forward to hold his arm. The innuendo didn’t miss him and his wide eyes shot down to where you were touching him and then back to look at you.

“Jake said to not talk to you.” He was suddenly stuttering out but he didn’t make any move to leave or remove your hand from him. “He said if you said you liked me it wasn’t true.”

Your jaw ticked in anger as he spoke, wanting to go find Jake and teach him a lesson about interfering. But Heeseung was peering down at you with those big glossy eyes and he didn’t seem upset, just curious.

“That’s not very nice of him to say, is it?” You were practically cooing at the boy, lips forming a pout like it was the most hurtful thing you’d ever heard.

It worked considering the fact Heeseung immediately shook his head, eyes even more wide like he was worried he had somehow offended you.

Your hand that wasn’t on his arm slowly slid up to his neck, stopping to hold his face and turn him more so he was facing you and you weren’t staring at the side of him. He really was handsome, strong manly features sat nicely below his large eyes.

“Do you think I’m mean Hee?” You decided to use Jake’s words against him, batting your eyelashes with a pout and leaning against him. You felt a flash of satisfaction at the way his eyes went down to your jutted out lip and back up.

He didn’t reply after you said that and you briefly wondered if you pushed him too far for one night. You didn’t mind stretching it out, one time spending weeks with a boring tutor before he even seemed to realize you had boobs, but something about the way he peered down at you made you impatient.

He didn’t respond but he also, once again, made no move to push you off of him. If anything he seemed short of breath the longer you stood there pressed against him with your thumb on his chin.

You let out a small hum of satisfaction and pressed your thumb upwards against his bottom lip, holding it there for a second to see if he would object. He didn’t despite the way his eyes seemed to grow wider and wider every passing second.

His mouth parted and at first you thought he was going to speak, pausing and raising an eyebrow to make sure he wasn’t about to tell you to stop touching him. He looked suddenly mortified and closed his mouth with a snap, causing you to realize he was referring to your thumb pressing against his lip.

“Oh.” He genuinely shocked you, your confidence faltering for a second at the fact he was basically inviting your thumb into his mouth a second ago when you’d barely spoken to each other.

He was bright red and you had a feeling that if your grip on his chin wasn’t so tight, he would’ve disappeared into the crowd to avoid you.

“Sorry.” He was mumbling, voice so quiet you almost missed it beneath the loud music and stacked piles of random conversations.

“Do you want to go somewhere we can hear each other better?” You tried to keep the implication out of your words but you had a feeling you were oozing with sin and intent as you leaned up to speak against his ear.

Still, he was nodding almost like he was on autopilot and seemingly ready to go with you regardless of where you would take him. And that was music to your ears, excitement and tension causing you to smile before tugging him and turning around to leave the party.

You were immediately stopped in your path, your smile dropping into a scowl as you looked at your brother. He was stood infront of you with his arms crossed, Jay and Sunoo’s amused faces peeking over his shoulder at the thought of conflict.

“Excuse us.” You spat at him, tugging Heeseung again. He’d complete froze at the sight of your brother and only seemed to snap out of it at your pull, yanking his hand from yours as he collided with your back.

You stumbled forward and glared behind you at him, confused why he had let go of your hand. He was bright red again and avoiding looking at you, taking a step to the side so he was more on your brothers half of the stand off.

Jake had a satisfied smirk on his face at his obedience and you scoffed at them both, disgusted and angry eyes directed towards Heeseung who was cowering away from your glare.

“Alright.” Sunoo was dragging the word out, pushing past your brothers rigid frame and wrapping his arms around you. “Think it’s time we go.”

You let him steer you away from the boys, sending one last glare at your brothers victorious face. You felt a little fire light up in your stomach with the knowledge he was going to regret it.

——

“What about that junior in your art class. He’s easy on the eyes.” Sunoo was trying to keep your attention while in the lunch room, despite the knowledge most of his words were falling on deaf ears. “And not your brothers friend.”

That caught your attention slightly and you stopped your staring for a second, glancing at your friend before looking back across the hall where Heeseung was sat with the rest of the football idiots.

“If you’re going to tell me it’s immoral again, save your breath.” You half muttered and you heard him sigh softly from beside you.

He started to talk again but this time you truly didn’t hear him because Heeseung was looking around the room for a second before locking eyes with you. You sat up in your seat as you watched him freeze and look around to see if there was anyone else you could possibly be staring at.

When he seemed to determine he was the source of your attention, he awkwardly looked back at you and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. You cocked your head but didn’t do anything else, still slightly hurt from the night before.

“Earth to my supposed best friend.” Sunoo’s annoyed voice and shove against your shoulder caused you to break the staring contest with the boy, looking at him apologetically. “It’s fine, we can talk later. But your boy toys leaving.”

His eyes were falling over your shoulder with a quirked eyebrow, following Heeseung’s frame as he quickly shuffled out of the cafeteria and through the hallway doors. You looked frantically at Sunoo for permission and he waved you off with a dismissive hand.

You were on your feet and rushing towards the direction Heeseung had went before you could thank him, causing a few heads to turn towards you as you whipped past them.

Once you pushed through the large doors, you slowed your pace and flattened your skirt, attempting to look casual. You pulled your hair prettily in-front of your shoulders and peered around the hallway corners, trying to catch sight of which way Heeseung had gone.

It didn’t take very long before you were faltering in your tracks, seeing him standing against a closed locker and seemingly catching his breath.

“Hee?” You were standing a few feet away from him, leaning forward and cocking your head in a fake display of coincidence. “What are you doing out here?”

He glanced up at you with an unreadable expression. At first you thought he looked annoyed to see you but you realized quickly he was more so embarrassed at you catching him in a state of panic.

He raised his shoulders in a shrug again and you took a step closer, taking in his outfit now that he wasn’t hidden behind a lunch table. He was wearing another sweater, this one had a large V neck that he covered up with a plaid button up underneath it. You wondered briefly if he was hot at all underneath the layers.

“You shrug a lot don’t you.” As you spoke you casually approached him, leaning on the wall next the locker he was stood against.

He looked like he wanted to laugh at your words, mouth quirking for a bit before looking at you in a similar position to the previous night and frowning, eyes flashing with guilt and embarrassment again.

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head as he whispered and you quirked an eyebrow at his sudden mood change.

“For what part?” Beneath the urge to tease him and make him say it directly, you were genuinely curious what about last night he was apologizing for. For leaving you when your brother arrived or was he sorry for your little interaction a few seconds before that.

He looked at you with a sigh and an awkward shuffle in place, giving you your answer. He was too shy to voice it out loud and that led you to believe it was the latter he was attempting to apologize for.

“You’re sorry for that?” You frowned at him as you leaned closer again. He was watching you intensely, still standing awkwardly but seemingly expecting your actions more this time. “For wanting my fingers in your mouth?”

He was sucking in a breath at your blunt words, eyes going wide as he pressed himself against the locker like he wanted it to swallow him whole. You didn’t say anything else, you’d tipped far more than a toe in the waters and you may be a man eater but the last thing you wanted to do was make him uncomfortable.

“Don’t say that.” He was rushing out in a hissed whisper and looking around the empty hallway like somebody could be listening.

“Is that not what you wanted?” Your voice was dropping to a purr again and you could see him swallow the lump in his throat as your hand came to rest against his chest.

You wanted to touch him, desperately strangely enough, but more importantly you wanted to feel how fast his heart was racing and it didn’t disappoint. It was beating so fast you almost found it in yourself to be concerned.

A large part of you wanted to push him further, to make him tell you what he wanted so you could get to the fun part already, but a new part of you was liking toying around with him.

You found yourself curious what he was thinking as he blinked down at you, if he was thinking dirty things about you or if he wasn’t quite sure what that even consisted of. Was he just sweet and awkward or was he truly inexperienced.

Even weirder, you were wondering what you looked like to him. Both in the bodily sense, if he found you pretty or alluring, and in the sense in which he considered you to be a flirt or a whore.

You didn’t mind being a whore, you thought it was a beautiful powerful thing for a woman to be, but for some strange reason you didn’t want Heeseung to think that’s what this was.

Jay was right, you absolutely wanted to eat him alive but maybe you didn’t have to spit this one out after.

“I don’t know why I did that.” His whisper almost passed by you while you were stuck in your thoughts. You could feel his chest rise as he spoke and you liked the feeling, pressing your front against his similarly to how you did at the party.

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing.” You assured him, studying his features as he looked down at you. Your hand was leaving his chest to cup his cheek then and he took in a deep stuttering breath.

You let your thumb caress the skin on his cheek and he kept his eyes locked on yours despite the way they nervously twitched and sometimes shot over your shoulder like he was expecting an interruption.

“It’s weird.” He whispered and his breath fanned your face due to your proximity.

You frowned slightly at his words, although you had a feeling he didn’t truly mean them and he was just doing damage control incase you’d make fun of him. Still, you thought for a second before blindly reaching down between your bodies and gripping his wrist.

He made a strange startled noise at the direction of your hand, flushing when he realized you were only searching for his hand and not anything else. He didn’t object as you brought his limp hand up, only tensing slightly as you placed it on your cheek.

You didn’t say anything, waiting for a few seconds to see if he would take the hint on his own before sighing and moving his thumb with your hand that was covering his and placing it against your bottom lip.

He looked almost entranced at the movement, mouth parting in surprise as he felt your lip against his thumb. Then it was your turn to be surprised when he mirrored your movement from the other night and pressed down on it, almost instinctively.

Having startled himself, he started to pull his hand away but luckily you were still holding it in place against your cheek. Before he could make another move to remove it, you were parting your lips and pulling his thumb into your mouth.

He made another loud noise, a half shout nearly at the wet sensation on his digit and you would have laughed if you weren’t certain it would embarrass him to a point of no return.

You watched his reactions through your eyelashes as your hand moved to his wrist, feeling the bone and muscle twitch as you kept his hand in place. He didn’t say anything, watching you as you closed your lips around his thumb and held it there.

He met your eyes for just a second, immediately shooting back down to look where his thumb disappeared when he felt your tongue wrap around it in slow soothing circles.

The hall was silent outside of his heavy breaths and a low sucking sound as you pulled his wrist back and forth slowly so his thumb continued its movements in and out of your mouth. He was standing so stiff that you considered, for a moment, pulling back and asking him if this was okay.

Then he took a deep inhale and pressed his thumb flat against your tongue, causing your breath to catch in your throat with a slight choke. You faintly thought you heard him groan at the noise and you squeezed your hand that was around his wrist.

This seemed to snap him back to reality, eyes bulging as his movements froze completely. You kept your eyes on him even after he pulled his thumb from your mouth, avoiding eye contact with you as soft pants slipped from your lips.

“Do you still think it’s weird?”

——

A day or two passed without you seeing Heeseung, or more accurately without any firm interaction considering he darted away every time you rounded a corner.

This time you weren’t hurt by his avoidance, the hard part was finished and the seed of sin was blossoming in his pretty head. Now all you needed to do was wait for him to come crawling to your door, asking for more, and you’d finally have him.

You didn’t expect it so literally however. The soft knocks on your door after you’d just gotten home from school made you groan, expecting some form of real life spam mail or an annoyed neighbor, all the usuals. Instead your angry expression dropped off your face when you realized it was Heeseung behind the door.

He faltered at the sight of you, almost like he’d forgotten you lived here too. His expression was pained and you almost laughed at the way his eyes instinctively dropped to your mouth.

“Well hi.” You smiled at him and pushed your hip out to lean in the doorway, suddenly aware of the fact you were wearing little duck shorts from middle school. You don’t think he noticed, avoiding looking at your bare legs with all his might.

“Is Jake here?” He was mumbling, looking over your shoulder like he was hoping your brother would come and save him.

“I’m beginning to think I should be offended.” You were only half joking, a genuine disappointment building in your stomach. You’d never had a boy care so little about you, especially after you’d already made a move on him. “He’s at practice still, shouldn’t you know that?”

He didn’t say anything, staring at you for a while before blinking away and shuffling in place. You sighed and took a step to the side, signaling for him to come inside so he didn’t leave a dent in your porch.

He slowly and awkwardly came inside, pressing against the door to avoid touching any part of your body considering you were still perched against the doorway.

“It’s nice to see you.” You found yourself actually meaning this as you said it and nearly laughed at the way he whipped around to look at you in surprise. You’re not sure if he wasn’t expecting you to talk to him in general or just not expecting you to be in a good mood.

“What?” He spoke before he even realized he was and looked down at his shoes.

“I don’t know.” You shrugged and walked closer to him, noting the way he tensed and followed your frame. You moved past him to sit on the couch, patting the spot next to you and smiling. “I missed you.”

He slowly sat next to you, hesitating at the close proximity. Once he was sat, stiff and nervous, you scooted closer so your thighs were pressed together. If he didn’t notice your shorts before, he definitely did now judging by the way his eyes bulged and his hands twitched.

“You don’t know me.” He was shaking his head and you smiled slightly at the fact he was atleast comfortable enough to argue something you’d said.

“I think you’re cute.” You shrugged like it was obvious, watching the side of his face as he avoided looking in your direction. You were sat so close that if he looked at you, you’d probably be touching noses. “And I like your eyes.”

He glanced at you for a second, slight amusement on his face at your surface level answer. If he hadn’t figured out what you wanted by now, he slowly was. You watched as his hand twitched again.

“You want to touch me.” It was more of a statement than a question, shifting in your spot slightly. He didn’t say anything for a while eyes on your leg and you waited patiently, holding your breath so you didn’t scare him off.

“I don’t know.” His voice was breathy and pained like he was dealing with an inner dilemma. For a second he looked so guilty that you wondered if he was possibly religious, lips quirking up at the thought.

“You can.” He made no move despite your urging, glancing at you from the corner of his eye before shaking his head. “Do you want me to help you?”

He didn’t respond again but the sharp breath he took helped you understand his answer, his mannerisms becoming easier and easier for you to read. He didn’t flinch when you grabbed his wrist again, letting you carry his hand over to your leg and encage it with your own once it was touching your warm skin.

“Okay?” You were whispering, leaning your top half against him so you could rest your head on his shoulder. You liked to feel the sharp inhales he was taking as his body rose and fell.

He nodded swiftly and you decided now that he was definitely a virgin, the way his hand flexed and shuddered at the feeling of just your skin, being the most obvious sign. Excitement was bubbling under your skin again and you could hear Sunoo’s voice calling you immoral.

“Do you think I’m pretty?” You were turning your head on his shoulder to whisper against his neck and he made a startled noise at the feeling, hand tightening on your leg. You weren’t quite sure what prompted you to ask him that but you were suddenly desperate to hear his response.

He was nodding quickly for a second before actually responding, almost like he knew you wanted to hear him say it. “Yes. So pretty.”

You smiled and kissed the base of his neck in thanks, drinking in the small whimper like noise he made in response.

A minute or two passed in silence, you tightly pressed against him and listening to his sharp nervous breathing while he slowly relaxed his hand on your thigh, at some points being brave enough to gently caress your smooth skin with his thumb. You liked letting him explore, seeing how long it took for him to do the smallest things, but you were growing slightly impatient.

His hands were big, almost encasing the surface area of your leg and your hand looked extra small on top of his, slowly directing it upwards closer to the hem of your shorts. He met your gaze with a panicked look and you stopped in place for a few seconds, waiting for any sign of permission.

“Why are you doing this?” He was whispering as he turned to look you in your eyes, forehead nearly touching yours. He looked confused and pained and you almost felt a strange guilt as you looked at him.

“If you don’t want me to, I’ll stop.” You’d lost the purr in your voice, deadly serious as you spoke the most important words you could say to him. You were pushy and had a certain set of interests others might find disturbed, but you were absolutely not somebody who made others uncomfortable in a negative way.

“Are you just screwing with me?” He didn’t sound upset, just genuinely insecure and curious like he couldn’t understand why you would want him to be touching you.

You were pleased that despite being shy and not talking a lot, he wasn’t afraid to ask you things he found important. It reassured you that he would alert you if you pushed him too far, but you also were thrown off by his lack of self credit. Heeseung was definitely a dork and not the best in social situations, but he was stunning and sweet, not to mention large in size.

That small reminder caused you to glance down at his hand that was still on your leg, thumb just on the edge of hooking underneath your shorts. You pressed your legs together and looked back at him, noting the dark flash that passed in his eyes at the movement.

“I want you.” You spoke bluntly, not sure how else to reassure him the way he was searching for. You weren’t going to lie to him, you couldn’t sit here and tell this boy you wanted to date him and treat him good but you could definitely be honest with him and tell him why he was sat on your couch right now.

He looked at you in silence for a second like he was waiting for you to laugh or say something else, prove him right about his suspicions. When you kept your face firm and serious he sucked in a breath and nodded slowly, accepting that this was just something that was happening to him now.

You wondered for a second what type of place he’d lived before where girls didn’t find him attractive, suddenly very glad he was your brothers friend and you saw him before anybody else had the chance to corrupt his mind.

His hand was moving on it’s own now, a small burst of confidence at your blatant desire for him. He seemed unsure of his movements as his hand pushed up under the entrance to your small shorts, stopping and resting against your underwear clad hip, trapped between the two fabrics.

“Has anyone ever kissed you?” You were asking and he seemed confused that you chose to ask that instead of acknowledging him for touching you on his own. You smiled at that and noted for later use that he was searching for approval and praise.

He thought for a second and you wondered if he was considering whether or not to lie. Maybe he hadn’t caught on to your strict type yet and just figured you liked nerdy guys.

“Don’t lie to me. I don’t mind either way.” Your voice was suddenly firm at the command and then immediately softening in reassurance. It was truthfully too despite the fact you were most hopeful to him saying no.

He was shaking his head and you didn’t miss the way his eyes were stuck on your lips, hand flexing with impatience under your shorts.

“If I kiss you, you can’t ignore me anymore.” You whispered and he was nodding as you spoke. You were worried he was so eager for you to do something he wasn’t quite thinking before agreeing to things. And you meant what you said, if you kissed him it would be important to you.

“You can’t tell Jake.” He was suddenly saying and you almost laughed at the irony of him warning you not to tell your own brother, if anything it should be the other way around. You thought the fact he was seeking approval from the other boys was cute, despite it causing problems in your own desires.

He didn’t seem to appreciate the fact that you chuckled at him, frowning softly and trying to make his expression more serious. You liked the dazed out look on his face, almost like he was too drunk on touching you to think clearly. You couldn’t help yourself from surging forward and pressing your lips tightly against his.

He froze up, hand squeezing your leg now so tight it was almost painful. You didn’t expect him to know how to kiss you back but he still tried after he regained his composure, pushing his face forward into yours.

You pulled back quickly, pecking his lips three more times in small kisses in the process. Not wanting to overwhelm him, you leaned back slightly to study his expression. When his eyes fluttered back open he was looking at you with shock and excitement, not even noticing the way his hand was kneading your hip inside of your shorts.

You took a breath to prepare to ask him if that was okay when you were cut off by him leaning back into you and kissing you again.

Smiling against his lips, you brought your hands up to cup his face and try to guide him a little bit more so he wasn’t just pressing his lips against yours in a haste. Still you let him explore on his own for a bit, tilting your head back so he could push into you.

After 30 seconds of letting him get used to the feeling, you started to move your mouth against his in a smooth rhythm. He hummed, low and guttural, at the sensation of actually kissing you and in his eagerness to move forward and lean into you, his hand slipped and pressed itself directly over your core.

You both gasped into the kiss, for different reasons considering the fact he immediately lept away from you onto the other side of the couch and covered his mouth in panic and apology.

You were just opening your mouth to tell him it was alright, more than okay in your opinion, when the front door was swinging open. You immediately closed your lips in anger and frustration at the sight of your brother who was observing the situation with squinted eyes.

It definitely looked damning, your shorts were ridden up on your thigh and Heeseung was sat a few feet away panting and running a hand through his hair to try to flatten it down.

Jake gave you a knowing look, a sharp glare and your lips curled into a smirk as you shrugged at him.

——

It was a day or two later and you were stood in the center of your room, staring at yourself in the mirror and trying to decide which color bathing suit you wanted to wear.

The boys all planned to go to the beach today, one last warm weekend before the fall season started and they were jammed packed with peak football busyness. Luckily for you, despite your current silent war you were having, Jake had extended the invitation to you and Sunoo too.

“The pinks way better.” Speaking of Sunoo, he was in his usual position that he adorned anytime you were getting dressed before heading out. Laying on his stomach with his feet in the air on your bed, watching you with a keen eye and sharp opinions.

You frowned at his comment, unsure and feeling slightly insecure. Trying not to think about how strange that was for you, you nodded in confirmation and pulled shorts and a hoodie over your suit for the ride there.

By the time you got to the car you were feeling pretty awful about the days direction, knowing yourself well enough to know something as small as not feeling pretty could ruin your mood completely. You tried to keep your energy light, planning to relax once you got there and not risk ruining anybody’s else day in collateral damage.

When the van door slid open, your eyes widened upon seeing Heeseung sat in your usual seat, his expression mirroring your own.

“Hope you don’t mind Y/N.” Riki was leaning forward from the backseat and smiling brightly at you. “Thought it would be cool to kidnap the new kid.”

You didn’t say anything, eyes sliding back over to Heeseung who was looking at you with heavy awkwardness but not avoiding your eye contact. You felt lighter at the knowledge he wasn’t taking what you had said about ignoring you lightly.

Climbing into the van and towards the back seat, you and Sunoo sat beside Riki and relaxed for the rest of the ride.

You liked being in the back like this, your position giving you the perfect view of Heeseung’s side profile. He kept glancing back at you throughout the drive, looking more and more surprised that your gaze never drifted from him.

You hadn’t spoken to him since kissing him, he had immediately stood from the couch with awkward posture and shuffled off in the direction Jake was leading him, not sparing you a glance.

You’d spent that night scrolling through his socials, atleast the ones that weren’t private, and wondering if you should message him or not. That thought didn’t last long, far too out of character for you and you’d already been accidentally doing that.

Heeseung didn’t need to know you were thinking about him before you went to sleep that night and he definitely didn’t need to know that you didn’t normally kiss the boys you played with.

After you’d gotten to the beach and all the boys had dog piled their way out of the van, you tugged your shorts down uncomfortably and followed behind them at a much slower pace. You liked observing them despite your bad mood, especially the playful laughs Sunoo let out as he joked around with them.

You were so caught up in your people watching that you didn’t notice Heeseung also lagging behind until he was walking side by side with you, keeping his distance but sparing you quick glances as you walked.

It surprised you that he both wasn’t ignoring you and that he was willingly being alone with you while your brother was only a few yards in front.

A strange satisfaction ran through you and you smiled in Heeseung’s direction, brightly when his ears and cheeks flushed bright red.

After the boys had set up the blankets and chairs, they ran off towards the water and you settled into one of the plastic seats. Jay was still stood near you, applying sunscreen diligently and squinting against the bright sun.

“You should let me put some on you.” He was saying once you took off your hoodie and you scoffed without looking at him. You didn’t mind Jay despite his flirting but you had no doubt his eyes were glued to your chest as he proposed applying the sunscreen to your bare skin.

“I’m serious.” He laughed at your reaction, knowing what you were thinking. “In a friendly way, I promise.”

You looked at him now from over your sunglasses, analyzing his expression as you felt the sun heat up your exposed skin.

“Fine.” You sighed and rolled over onto your stomach so he could have easier access to your back. “But you touch me inappropriately with your grubby hands and I’ll cut them off.”

“I bet your brother would first anyways.” You could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke, kneeling down on the sand next to you. You heard the cap of the bottle open as he squeezed a good amount into his hands and pressed them onto your skin. “Besides, I know you have your sights set on another suitor.”

You didn’t have to ask him what he was referring to, seeing no point in playing dumb. Both Jay and you knew a very large reason you’d never responded to his advances was because your specific type, and you also both knew who happened to fit that type perfectly.

“He’s cute.” You shrugged the best you could in your position and Jay pressed his thumb into your back, a light massage now as you talked.

“Sure, if you’re into that.” He chuckled softly and you smiled even though he couldn’t see it. “Not so cute with the way he’s glaring at me right now though.”

You sat up upon hearing that, resting on your elbows and looking over your shoulder towards the water where the rest of the boys had disappeared. At first you thought Jay was just teasing until you caught sight of Heeseung and confirmed the icy stare he was directing towards the two of you.

It was so out of his usual character that you felt genuine shock wrack through you, rolling over and sitting up properly.

After a few seconds of holding eye contact with each other he was wading out of the water and heading in your direction, Jay laughed and stood up swiftly with a mumble about ‘knowing when to leave’. He passed Heeseung on his way to the water and gave him a pat on the chest that you didn’t quite understand.

When he reached where you were sitting, you felt slightly hypnotized by the way he looked. He was standing over you and blocking out the sun, hair wet and dripping onto his tight swim shirt. He almost looked angry and your eyes dropped down to his extended hand that was pointing in your direction.

“Do you want to get ice cream with me?” Despite his tense exterior, his voice still sounded the exact same, a nervous quiver making his words quiet and stuttered.

He looked relieved when you nodded and took his hand, letting him pull you up onto your feet and help steady you.

The ice cream shop was connected to the beach but a bit away in the distance, leaving you out of view from the rest of your group and a bit more private. He hadn’t spoken the entire walk there and you were beginning to worry with how tense his shoulders were, stopping him before he turned the corner and softly guiding him so his back hit the side of the building.

He looked down at you as you crowded his space, pushing against him despite how cold the wetness of his shirt felt against your bare chest.

“What’s wrong?” You looked up at him through your eyelashes and he blinked down at you, jaw twitching with how tense it was

“Why didn’t you ask me?” He responded and you felt confused for a second before understanding he was referring to Jay applying your sunscreen.

The realization that he was jealous caused a surge of excitement to pass through you and you rocked forward on your toes, pressing against him harder if that was even possible.

“You walked away and he offered.” Your lips formed a pout despite your giddiness and his eyes went from your lips down to your chest that was smushed against his front.

You felt the sudden desperation to touch him or to have him touch you, maybe even to kiss him again. You just wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible, you wanted him to call you pretty again and you weren’t quite sure what to feel about this overwhelming urge.

“Don’t be mad at me Hee.” You continued after he didn’t say anything, his eyebrows pulled forward in a confused and jealous expression. You didn’t think he was actually mad at you but you didn’t like how his face didn’t have its usual softness.

“I’m not mad, I don’t know.” He confirmed your thoughts and shook his head, eyes softening just a little when he looked down at you again.

“Are you jealous?” You pressed on the subject, having a feeling he wouldn’t admit it on his own.

“I didn’t mind it I guess… seeing him touch you.” He admitted softly and you suddenly were plagued with the thought that he might be a lot less innocent than you thought. If anything he seemed a bit curious at the thought of somebody else touching you. “I just…”

“Wanted it to be you?” You filled in the blank for him as he trailed off and he nodded after a second.

You wanted to laugh at this but you didn’t, not wanting him to get embarrassed. Yet it was almost comical that he had absolutely no idea how much more of a chance he had with you than Jay, than any of the other boys who were constantly competing for your attention.

Instead of explaining this to him, you stood up on your toes again and pulled him down for a kiss.

Your hands were in his wet hair and a sudden shudder ran through you at the way he had to bend down to reach your mouth.

He was taken off guard for a second before kissing you back, this time immediately moving his mouth against yours in a nice slow rhythm like you had shown him next time. He was a fast learner and you felt giddy at that fact.

The kiss was sweet and slow, giving him the silent reassurance he seemed to be asking for but you felt growing impatience at the pace when you realized you were completely pressed against his lean body in a state of undress, tugging on his wet hair slightly in an attempt to catch his attention.

It seemed to work because you felt his shaky hands come up and rest on your lower back, pulling you tighter against him as he breathed an unsteady gasp against your lips. You liked the way he continuously tugged you forward despite there being no way you could get any closer to him.

His hands were fast and desperate as your mouths moved with eachother, the addicting feeling of kissing you clouding his mind and helping him forget all the anxiety and uneasiness he was originally feeling in your presence.

His knees were weakening and he slid down the wall slightly, legs jutting out at the weird angle so his leg was pressed slightly between your own, he immediately stopped pulling on your figure and kissing you, glancing down at what he’d just done.

He seemed unsure about the fact his knee was now practically hovering between your legs as you kept him trapped against the brick wall.

“Heeseung.” Your breathy use of his full name caught his attention and he snapped his head up to look at you. You didn’t say anything else, just nodding your head and kissing him again.

He accepted this as a form of permission, another surge of excitement and confidence pushing him to pull you closer again. This time, because of the new position, you were practically rocking against his bent leg as you breathed into his mouth.

You tried not to think about the fact you were practically dry humping him out in public, licking into his mouth to test his reaction to you pushing the kissing even further.

He half groaned, half whimpered at the feeling and squeezed his hands that were around your waist causing you to laugh at the ticklish sensation. Your laugh was interrupted by him pushing his tongue into your mouth suddenly, trying and failing to mirror what you had just done to him. You tugged on his hair again as a sign to take it slower, giving him a soft peck before demonstrating again.

You did that a few times, licking into his mouth and kissing him open mouthed and sloppy before pulling away to catch your breath and observe his reaction.

His normally wide eyes were downturned and hazy, dark with want and excitement as he experienced this emotion he’d never felt before. He felt addicted to you and the way you were melting against him, perched on his bent knee and taking pretty little gasps for air as you tried to calm yourself down.

“Fuck.” You were breathing out in a sigh and he couldn’t help but smile slightly at your state, feeling proud he had been the one to cause it. His cheeks were still bright red and you felt the urge to kiss him again. “You sure you haven’t done that before?”

This seemed to embarrass him further and he shifted against the wall, his shirt sticking to the rough material of the brick. He was practically dry by now and your hand left his hair to drag it’s way down his chest and stomach.

You could feel the muscle tensing and flexing under your touch despite the shirt creating a barrier between your skin to his and you felt mesmerized by the smooth slope of his stomach. He seemed to be taking in your outfit now too, possibly for the first time realizing how little clothes you were wearing.

“I didn’t know what to wear.” You were breathing out, overly aware of how self conscious you’d been earlier in the day regarding your bikini. It was pink and frilly, the bottoms fabric poking out from the top of your jean shorts.

“It’s perfect.” He was whispering, eyes locked on your chest and stomach. Then he was flushing again and looking back at you, embarrassment furthering at the way you quirked your eyebrow at him. “It’s pretty I mean.”

You didn’t respond, an unfamiliar blush on your cheeks at the sincerity in his compliment. You felt slightly angry at yourself for the way his validation changed your mood in seconds.

“Are you still upset.” You eventually asked and he shifted against the wall again, hands on your back pulling you tight like he didn’t even realize he was doing it.

“Wasn’t upset.” He mumbled and shrugged, holding your eye contact for once. “He just talks about you sometimes.

This peaked your interest slightly and you cocked your head at him. You knew Jay thought you were hot and liked to mess with you to piss your brother off but you hadn’t considered the fact he might actually be voicing desires for you when you weren’t around to hear.

“What’s he say?” You questioned and Heeseung suddenly looked like he did when you first met, awkward and squeamish.

“Just..” He was mumbling and squirming against you with a frown. “Stuff he wants to do to you I guess.”

You didn’t say anything, just humming in understanding and studying his features and expression. He looked slightly pale and like he was rethinking the things his friend had said in private, jaw tensing again like it had by the water.

“Stuff like.. kissing me?” You flattened your hand on his chest as your voice turned into a low drawl. “Sticking his tongue in my mouth and letting me feel good on his thigh?”

His mouth was parting in a small breath as you kept talking, slowly understanding you were describing things you’d done with him to make a strong point.

“Let him talk.” You shrugged and kissed his jaw, taking a small step away from him afterwards. “I’ve made my choice.”

——

After ushering a flustered Heeseung back to the water, ignoring the glare from Jake at your lack of ice cream, you found yourself actually managing to have fun.

You joined in on playing with them in the water, playing chicken against Sunoo, him on Riki’s shoulders and you ontop of Heeseung’s.

His strength surprised you, winning all three rounds before you were tapping out and practically coughing out water with messy hair and a bright smile. The sun was setting by the time you all left and you liked the way he looked on the drive home far more than the trip there, eyes tired and skin tanned.

The night you were rolling around in bed again, trying not to disturb a sleeping Sunoo next to you while you locked and unlocked your phone in frustrated contemplation.

Eventually you gave in to your desire, pressing follow on Heeseung’s private instagram and immediately shutting your phone off and pressing it tight to your chest when it alerted you a request had been sent to him.

You felt incredibly stupid for acting like this and like you weren’t in control of your emotions for the first time in a very long time. You think part of you liked that factor about the types of people you normally were with, the control was completely and utterly up to you and they’d pretty much follow you into battle if you batted your eyelashes the right way.

Heeseung had a weird way of making you feel helpless, despite making no move himself to control you or the things you did, he still had an upsetting power over you that you don’t even think he realized.

Proven correct again by the way your heart surged as your phone vibrated against your chest, lifting it up and squinting at the bright screen to see he had accepted your request and followed you back.

You wondered what he was doing up this late, nearing 3am now and opened up his profile to see if he had any post. There was only a handful and you scrolled to the bottom first, studying a pretty photo of a dog in a window without a caption.

The next three post were also pretty simple, photos of sunsets and a guitar leaning against a wall that you assumed was in his room. The four most recent were what caught you attention, actually featuring him and other people unlike the other ones which seemed more atmosphere focused.

You smiled softly at the photo of him and your brother, Jake in his football uniform with black paint smeared across his face as he appeared mid yell with an arm around Heeseung’s shoulder. You noted the camera around Heeseung’s neck and realized you had been right about Jake lying and he wasn’t actually on the football team, just working with them.

The fondness you felt looking at the photo was followed by a pang of guilt as you looked at the next one, another photo with Jake but this time with the rest of the boys as well.

Heeseung was in the middle of the mirror selfie with a bright smile on his face, one you hadn’t seen and the other boys were crowding around him in different poses. You opened the comments to see them having various discussions, but all for the most part, praising Heeseung for taking a photo of his face and posting it.

The final two made your breath catch in your throat, considering the fact you were in both of them.

You weren’t sure when he had taken the first one, a photo of you lazily strewn in the plastic chair at the beach. You were adjusting your sunglasses and mid laugh at something that, you assume Sunoo, was saying off in the distance.

It must’ve been some time after your water fights considering your hair was wet across your shoulders and you weren’t wearing the shorts you had been before. The sun was cascading prettily and you don’t remember if it was actually that beautiful out or if he had edited the photo expertly.

You’d always been aware of the fact that people found you pretty, having heard it pretty much your entire life even when you didn’t quite believe it or know how to respond. You’re sure nowadays people found it as a negative thing, thinking you were too full of yourself when you fluffed your perfectly crafted hair or conceited in the way you constantly reapplied mascara and lipgloss. But for the first time in your entire life, staring at this photo he’d taken of you, you thought you looked beautiful.

You liked it hesitantly, scrolling up to see the second and final one of you.

You’d seen him take this one, it was right after he’d taken a few of Jake and Jay as they dried off and joked around with each other and then he was turning the camera towards you.

A smile spread across your face making your cheeks hurt as you looked at it. You were staring at the camera with a shocked look on your cheery face, a peace sign held up in a blur of movement from your fast attempt at a pose before he clicked the button.

These ones didn’t have any captions either but something about him picking two photos of you from all the ones you’d seen him taking today made your heart race in a way that made you slightly queasy. He was continuing to surprise you and more noticeably, making you surprise yourself.

“Can you shut that shit off?” Sunoo’s groggy voice was immediately snapping you out of your little dream like thought process, the brightness of your screen waking him up.

“I think I like him.” You let your words hang in the darkness, not liking the way he fell completely silent at your whispered statement.

“That’s new.” He eventually breathed out and you heard him turn onto his side, trying to look at you in the darkness. You were laying flat on your back and staring up at the ceiling in contemplation. There was some left over glow in the dark stars from a middle school sleepover the two of you had.

“Yeah.” You breathed out in response. “Well.. goodnight.”

——

By the time you had finally woken up, eyes peeling open with a groan, Sunoo was already up and out of bed. You could hear him off somewhere in your house, laughing loudly at something.

You frowned and checked the time, noting the two notifications underneath the numbers alerting you it was already past noon.

Jake was one of the notification banners, sending you a message to announce the fact he was having a party tonight. Your frown deepened as you read that. Your weekends were usually filled with bouncing from different houses with each other but it was rare you held one at home.

The other notification changed your mood, seeing that Heeseung had seemingly liked every single one of your instagram post while you had been sleeping.

You smiled to yourself giddily at the thought of him scrolling through your page, without thinking you were pressing the ‘message’ tab on his page and typing.

y/n : hi

heeseung : Hey

y/n : woah that was fast

heeseung : Sorry

heeseung : Should I wait a bit

You laughed out loud at the fact he was somehow able to be more awkward over text than he already was in person, a fondness settling in your tired head.

y/n : will i see u tonight?

A few seconds passed without a response despite the little words under your message letting you know he had read it immediately, most likely sitting with your chat open similarly to how you were with his.

heeseung : I’m actually already here… downstairs to be specific

y/n : will u come up here?

You sent the message before you thought about it and you watched his activity status turn off after he read your message.

You immediately panicked and sat up swiftly, you hadn’t even considered the fact you were freshly woken up and he had never seen you in any state of slightly natural, suddenly overwhelming insecure of how you looked.

Before you had a chance to get out from under the covers or look in the mirror, soft knocks on your door were making you freeze and hold your breath.

You felt ridiculous once Heeseung poked his head inside your door, his big round eyes brightening when he saw you sat up with your blankets covering your lap. He looked excited to see you and you quickly forgot about your appearance or what he might’ve been thinking at the sight of you. He clearly was happy to see you.

“Hey.” He breathed out, sliding through a small gap in your door and softly closing it behind him. You wondered if he gave Jake an excuse for leaving or just hoped he wouldn’t notice his absence.

“Hi.” You smiled warmly at him and patted the side of your bed that was empty, where Sunoo had been sleeping a few hours before. He glanced at you in confusion for a second before hesitantly walking closer to your bed and slowly lowering himself onto it.

It creaked underneath his weight and you laughed softly at his slow movements, lifting the blankets once he was sat down and tossing them over his lap so you were both halfway underneath the covers.

“Are we taking a nap?” He was whispering in a joking tone and you briefly acknowledged the fact he was a lot more casual around you in terms of saying things on his mind.

You were a bit nervous about this change in pacing between the two of you. Maybe he had come up to your room expecting something similar to your past interactions, maybe he was even disappointed as he laid next to you in your warm bed with no sign of your usual devil horns peeking through.

“Is that okay?” Even when unsure of yourself, you liked to remain blunt and honest.

He looked at you for a few beats, eyes warm and knowing like he had somehow figured out your insecurity. Then he was nodding and laying back against the pillow, outstretching an arm onto yours so when you laid down, it’d be against him and not your fabric.

You curled against his side and silently appreciated him for not saying anything, drinking in his silence and resting your head on his chest so you could listen to his heartbeat.

Surprisingly, it was still racing just as fast as it normally was despite only laying in bed with you. He was showing no signs of nervousness or anxiety, or maybe you were still half asleep and were just failing to pick up on his usual signs.

“Are you nervous?” You whispered for some reason and he tightened his arm around you, rubbing your back slowly and uncertainly.

“I’m always nervous I think.” He was whispering back and you almost laughed at the drama of it all. “Especially around you.”

You hummed softly, your hand coming up to rest against his stomach so you could feel his inhales better. He was wearing a white tshirt and you could feel his muscles tensing at your touch.

“Because I’m pretty?” You tried not to sound desperate when you asked, not wanting him to think you were fishing for compliments. You just wanted to hear him say it for some reason.

“Yeah, you’re pretty.” He seemed to always know what you were thinking, immediately fulfilling your request despite the blush it brought to his cheeks. “And you’re nice to me.”

This caught your attention more than the first part, although that also undeniably made your face flush. You weren’t quite sure you’d be at all nice to him, sure you hadn’t made a fool out of him or completely ignored him but you were genuinely taken back by the fact he thought you were nice.

You’d heard charming, alluring and even, at times, manipulatively sweet but it was rare somebody told you they thought you were kind.

“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?” You pushed forward in your low spoken questioning, liking the vulnerability this position gave you. You were the closest you’ve ever been but you couldn’t see each others faces, making it easier to speak freely.

You felt his body move in what, you could only assume, was a small shrug. His hand stopped moving on your back and you shifted closer to him, frowning slightly at his sudden silence.

“You’re nice too.” You decided to say eventually, feeling embarrassed at the openness.

“I’m sure everybody’s nice to you.” He was slowly sounding more tired and you wanted to sit up and shake him awake so you could keep talking. “It must be hard not to be.”

You didn’t like the way he said that, like you were somebody deserving of good treatment all the time. You suddenly felt a pang of guilt at the reminder of who you were, why he was even in your bed in the first place.

“It’s different.” You said instead, not wanting to give those nasty thoughts too much attention. “You’re actually nice. Not because you want to sleep with me or get close to my brother.”

“I think sleeping with you would solidify me never being close to your brother again.” You could hear the smile in his voice and you laughed against his chest. He seemed looser when he was tired and you wanted to ask him all the things he’d normally be too shy to say out loud.

A minute passed in the silence and you realized through the soft rise and fall of his stomach that he had fallen asleep, arm limp in it’s place on your side.

You tried not to think about any of the things bothering you despite Sunoo’s voice in your head reminding you that your normal habits were immoral. Focusing in instead on the soft beat of Heeseung’s heart, you let yourself fall back asleep against him.

——

By the time you woke up again, even more groggy and out of it than you had been the first time, you could tell it was later in the day.

The soft blue haze of the sun setting was filling up your room and you almost started to stretch like normal before remembering you hadn’t fallen asleep alone, sitting up slightly in confusion at the lack of company in your bed.

Heeseung wasn’t there anymore and the blankets were messy like he had left in a hurry. You waited for a few seconds to listen in for him, maybe in your connected bathroom a few feet away but after not hearing anything and feeling the fact the bed was cold on his side you figured he had left some time ago.

You weren’t mad at him considering the fact the party had probably begun to start by now, you sleeping most the day away after having such a long night, but you couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he hadn’t left a note or sent a text.

You immediately felt stupid for thinking like this considering he was most likely just downstairs with the other boys and it wasn’t like he went home in the middle of the night, he knew he’d see you even if he left. It wasn’t like you to act like this over a boy and it would’ve been more frustrating and worrisome if he wasn’t so kind and gentle with you.

Finally climbing out of bed, you dressed yourself in a skirt and a hoodie before fixing your hair and applying some mascara. They were most likely pregaming by now, maybe a few early stragglers stopping by to get ahold of the best drinks before they were gone. But you didn’t really feel the need to overdo your appearance like you typically did, feeling more comfortable since it was held at your house and you could always come and change if the situation called for it.

You were leaving your room and making your way to the stairs when you heard unfamiliar laughs and voices coming from the living room.

Pausing against the railing, you froze and listened in to what they were saying once you heard your name from one of their mouths.

“I mean you have to tell us dude, she has to be good considering how much she’s ran through.” One of the boys from the football team was talking and you could practically hear the smile in his voice.

You weren’t sure who he was talking to but it didn’t bother you much considering you’d heard it before, rumors from classmates and name calling from boys who were mad you had turned them down.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This definitely bothered you. Heeseung’s sweet nervous voice was floating up the stairs and you heard the other boys started laughing again at the way his voice shook.

“C‘mon man, I totally saw you leaving her room earlier when Sim called.” Another boy was speaking now and you wondered how many were down there and why your brother wasn’t with Heeseung.

You considered marching down there and dragging Heeseung away from the teasing, but you figured that would only put him in a worse spot. You didn’t mind anybody knowing you were doing things with him but you knew he was serious about Jake not finding out.

“Why would I fuck her?” Heeseung was talking again and your heart dropped at his tone of voice, almost sounding disgusted by the idea. “Like you said, she’s ran through.”

You didn’t hear anything else after that, ears deafening once the boys started to laugh and seemingly smack his back in approval for his harsh words against you. Your throat felt hot with embarrassment and panic was filling up your chest and head.

“Y/N? What are you doing up there?” Jake’s concerned voice filtered through and you looked down through the gaps in the banister, seeing him having just walked through the door with groceries bags dangling from his arm.

Your teary eyes shuffled over towards Heeseung and the football players to see him standing completely rigid as he looked up at you, Jake calling attention to you and your hiding place.

There was no use in pretending you hadn’t heard what he said, your expression betraying you and making it extremely obvious.

You were turning around and darting back into your room, slamming the door and throwing yourself onto your bed in a sob. Burying your face into the pillow, you groaned in frustration at the fact it smelled like Heeseung and you threw it onto the floor.

You’ve heard these things before, even worse at times but for some reason hearing him say it felt like the worst thing possible.

It was the scariest thing in the world, the way you felt about him so soon, but for once you were finding yourself liking the loss of control. It felt safe and comfortable, completely opposing how it normally felt.

You weren’t sure if he actually thought those things about you or if he was just trying to douchebag his way out of an awkward conversation but it didn’t matter to you regardless, his voice looping in your head with that unfamiliar tone.

A vibration under your stomach was causing you to pick up your sniffly face, eyes squinted with tears as you shuffled around to try to find your abandoned phone you were apparently smothering.

When you finally managed to feel it against your wandering hand you saw a few different text chain alerts.

One from Sunoo, asking if you were okay and if he could come up or if you wanted some space. Another was from Jake again, double texting to ask a similar thing followed by telling you he’d cancel the party if you wanted him to.

You responded to them both quickly, telling Sunoo you were okay and you’d talk to him later and letting Jake know you didn’t care about the party you’d just stay in your room.

The third message was from Heeseung’s instagram account but you didn’t look at it, shutting off your screen and yelling into your blanket.

You thought for just a second about getting up out of your bed and putting on your best outfit, going down to join the party and acting like Heeseung hadn’t affected you as much as he did.

But that was the thing you liked most about him. You didn’t feel the need to play this character or hide behind an emotionless mask.

Instead you spent the rest of the night in that same position, listening to the music gradually get louder as more and more people filled into your house. You almost wanted to laugh at the irony of you, a complete party goer with a carefree lifestyle, hiding from an exciting night just a few feet away.

Hours were passing like that, your mind racing with thoughts of what they could be doing down there. You wondered if Heeseung wanted to follow you up here but was too shy or if he had no plans of coming at all. You curled into a ball on your side.

Eventually you let yourself fall asleep again, body feeling heavy and exhausted from crying and overthinking. You couldn’t have been asleep long before you were waking up again to soft knocks against your door, you frowned deeply and ignored them.

You figured it was some drunken idiot, maybe a couple looking for a room to hook up in and you didn’t have the energy to tell them to go away so you just laid there in silence and hope they didn’t try to turn your unlocked doorknob. That hope didn’t last long before you heard the soft rattle of the metal, the knob squeaking as it twisted and your door was pushed open just a sliver.

Nobody came through it at first, like they were waiting for a reaction from you, and then Heeseung’s head was poking through it just how it did this morning.

The scene was a direct replay but the mood was completely flipped now, his face lacking any sign of a warm smile and instead looking startled at the fact you were awake and looking at him coming into your room.

“Were you hoping I was asleep so you could just leave?” You looked away from him as you spoke, rolling back onto your stomach to try to look less pathetic and more casual.

He didn’t say anything, coming into your room considering the fact you hadn’t screamed at him to get out, and closing the door behind him.

“I wanted to talk to you.” He was stuttering and you had a feeling he was wringing his hands together but he sounded sure of himself.

You sighed and turned your head to look at him from your spot on the bed. He was awkwardly hovering next to the bed and looking at you, face crumpling with guilt when he saw your puffy eyes and red cheeks.

“Or I can just suck your dick and you can go and rate it on a scale of 1-10 for the entire school body.”

His eyebrows furrowed at your sarcasm and he slowly sat on your bed, keeping his distance and barely resting against the edge of it.

“That’s not funny.” He shook his head as he spoke, his back was towards you but he was looking over his shoulder at you.

“It seemed to be earlier.” That was slightly unfair of you considering he hadn’t been laughing with them earlier from what you could tell but his harsh words had been replaying in your mind for hours and you weren’t feeling the most gentle towards him.

“They just got in my head I don’t know.” He was still shaking his head and pressing his hands tightly against his knees. “They kept talking about what you do and I just wanted it to be different.”

“It is different.” You were cutting him off and his jaw twitched slightly. He didn’t seem to know how to explain himself properly and he was digging himself a bigger hole. “I thought what we were doing was different.”

“How?” He was turning more so he could look at you more directly, eyebrows furrowed in an angry expression you hadn’t seen before. “What’s different about this? Jake told me the same thing when I first got here, I know you’re just going to drop this once it’s over.”

“Everything is different about this.” You sat up now, perched on your knees and leaning forward on your hands for emphasis. “I’m not going to sit here and feel bad about my sex life because of your ego Heeseung.”

His face dropped and he shook his head. You knew he wasn’t like that and he wasn’t directly shaming you for being experienced, he was just insecure and didn’t know how to express it. But that wasn’t an excuse for the things he had said about you.

“If you want to hide… whatever this is than fine that’s your choice.” Your voice wavered as you said it, the thought stinging slightly of him being ashamed to be with you. “You could have lied or brushed them off but you chose to insult me and say horrible things.”

His face was softening again in guilt and you were slightly confused before you realized you were crying again. He seemed to lean forward without realizing it and you sat back up on your knees to keep distance between you.

“I’m sorry.” He looked and sounded genuine and you wanted to believe he was but you had also never thought he’d be capable of something like that, so maybe you were trusting him too blindly.

“You made it sound disgusting.” You spat the final word out, face curling in a hurt sob and then he was pulling you into a tight hug, falling forward on your knees and crashing into his chest.

You wanted to be able to push him off of you and tell him to leave your room, leave your house better yet, but you couldn’t help wrapping your arms around his neck and crying into the same soft shirt you’d been sleeping peacefully on a few hours ago.

“It’s not disgusting.” His voice was causing his chest to vibrate and you could feel his heartbeat against your cheek. “I’m such an idiot and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being with you.”

He sounded the most confident you’d heard him, voice lacking its usual quiver and stutter other than the heavy weight of emotion behind his statement.

“You’re right, it was a total ego thing. I didn’t understand why somebody as confident and pretty as you would be interested in me.” He continued on and you wanted to interrupt and dispute his negative claims against himself but you decided to let him finish since he, for once, seemed sure in his words.

“I like spending time with you even if it hasn’t been that long.” You sniffled as he spoke and burrowed into his chest so he knew you were still listening. “Even if Jake tackles me next time he sees me.”

You laughed at that and you felt him rest his chin on top of your head. You were still upset but his words were helping and you wanted to believe him, you were just contemplating if it was worth abandoning the techniques you’d been using to avoid getting hurt like this.

“Maybe I should have asked you on a date before trying to put my fingers in your mouth.” You were whispering against his chest and he barked a laugh at your sudden blunt joke.

Neither of you said anything after that, letting each other think over the situation and sit in a tight hug, you practically in his lap now. You felt a strange tug at your heart regarding the fact there was complete innocence between you despite the compromising position.

“Is this a bad time to ask you on a date then?” He eventually was whispering above your head and you smiled softly into his shirt.

#enhypen #enhypen drabbles #enhypen fanfiction #heeseung #heeseung drabbles #heeseung x reader #jake enhypen #sunghoon x reader #sunghoon enhypen #heeseung au #heeseung smut #kim sunoo #jay enhypen

[icanseethefuture333]

Glamour Witch 🕯

A guide to confidence, beauty, & self love 🪞🩰🦢🍒💌

How I made glamour magick efficient for me and why working with the goddess Aphrodite shifted my self concept + help me connect to the divine feminine 🕊

First let's do a back story on my relationship with my matron 🌸:

My spiritual awakening happened when I was 17 years old after experiencing the loss of a loved one and coping with past trauma. I went into my adolescence with fear, agony, and poor self esteem. I was very much so a tomboy as a teenager (to this day I still have masculine qualities that I am now proud of and balanced it with my feminine side) but I was so out of touch with what being a "girl" was. I felt really self conscious about not being "woman" enough and had a complicated view on my gender (since I realized I was nonbinary at 14). I became interested in the occult since I grew up in a spiritual household (crystals, manifestation, etc) but never really got to engage with things like tarot or witchcraft because it was considered taboo. I had a reading done one day and I was told that Aphrodite wanted to work with me as my deity. My teenage self was confused by this because I thought - "The goddess of beauty and love wanted to work with me? Well that can't be right." I was expecting something more dark or cool like Hades or Hermes or whatever because that was just my personal style since I dressed very alternatively. I was nervous, but also intrigued. As I begun to pray to her and started doing spellwork - I felt safe, I felt loved, it was like a mother watching over me. I started learning how to do makeup for my ethnic features and became more educated about fashion and what it means to really be a true feminist. I learned to say fuck the binary system and made my own definition of not what just being a "woman" is but also what being "feminine" meant to me, period. You can be whatever you want to be and be beautiful regardless of what your appearance is like. Some days I want to wear snapbacks and sneakers, other times I wanna wear high heels with a flattering dress. I do what makes me feel comfortable and that's nobody's business but mine. Society made us believe that being sensitive, caring, or intuitive - the traits of the divine feminine (which we have in us all) as bad when it's not. There's strength in being soft and delicate. Be gentle towards yourself, my loves.

Embrace your shadow self to manifest your dream life ✨️:

You know what people will never tell you or admit to you on social media? Is that you can be self conscious and still be confident at the same time. Confidence is just being comfortable with yourself and knowing despite what you've been through or are feeling in the moment, it should not hold you back from achieving your fullest potential. Like Megan Thee Stallion said "Bad bitches have bad days too" And it's true! I have my good days and then I have my bad days, but even when I'm doubting or losing my faith, I always get back up by keep going. Why? It's because if I stop then I'm not living. I'm not being grateful for the life I still have while there are people out there battling severe illnesses and don't have much time left. Nobody wants to be candid and only want to portray themselves as perfect, when nobody is. It's a damaging narrative to think you have to be popping on social media and always staying positive. I don't know why being vulnerable is such a stigma these days. Everyone is scared of being hurt, sure, but there is so much power in knowing what you makes you happy and being able to voice what your wants/needs are. You get to live for yourself and not what others want you to be. Not to mention the importance of having the power and ability to set the boundaries your inner child probably never got to have?! I'm so tired of people spreading the belief of that you shouldn't talk about mental health, trauma, or personal fears because it makes you seem "weak" or "easy prey". That is the same tactics abusers use to make their victims stay hushed and makes them not able to stand up for themselves. That way of thinking is victim blaming! If you as a person, feel brave enough to discuss what the fuck is going on in your mind that does not make you a weakling, that makes you strong as hell. They are the weak ones for taking advantage of people who were already suffering. It's time to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and acknowledge what happened, but do not let it control you. You don't have to let go or get over it, it's okay if it's still a wound for you but you can choose to make it better by creating a better future by working with your higher self. Think about who you want to be, how you want to appear, what career you aspire to have, etc. Either write it down, visualize, or make a vision board. Release the old version of you and thank them for helping you survive.

I have been reading the book Mirror Work by Louise Hay and it entails about how the negative things people said or the difficult experiences we had dealt with in our lifetime gets stored in our subconscious mind. When we make jokes that are self depreciating or engage in self degrading behavior, it harms us even more, preventing us from maturing or loving ourselves. Doing shadow work is uncomfortable for everyone but it is a must to process the patterns in your life and learn as to why you become the person you are today. Being aware of your triggers and what makes you tick. Can make you more emotionally intelligent and be able to have a healthier conversation as well as creating lasting positive connections.

Books I recommend for subconscious reprogramming, shadow work, & healing from trauma:

Mirror Work by Louise Hay

"The Courage to" book series by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

The Self Confidence Workbook by Barbara Markway & Celia Ampel

Psychology of The Unconscious by Dr. Carl Jung

It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn

You can also find shadow work prompts on pinterest.

Don't just say it, do it! 11 ways to actually practice self care:

Making a goal and actually putting the effort in can be tough for some individuals, especially for those diagnosed with depression. That's why it's important to be patient with yourself and understand that healing is a journey, not a race! A youtuber I have been enjoying and watching lately is the critically acclaimed, thewizardliz: An Iranian woman who gives advice on confidence, discipline, and more! A video that I watched of hers recently was called and bluntly titled: "How to stop being lazy & pathetic". In most of liz's videos she is someone who is tough but is also tender. She explains that when we are procrastinating it's because we are thinking of just the end goal, which scares us and makes us overthink about what to do or how to do it. When really, we can just take small, simple steps at a time to reach towards what we wish yo accomplish, so that way it will feel less intimidating. If you have a essay that's due for example, try to write a few sentences each day, or think about how good it would feel if you were to get a good grade on your paper. Think of it this way - Would you rather slack and be upset you failed? Or would you rather prevent that from happening so you can be proud of what you achieved? Figure out what motivates you as a person and write it down so you can always be reminded of the confident being you wish to become.

Journaling: This is such a crucial hobby that I believe everyone should have. Writing down your thoughts or feelings helps not only increases your intelligence and brain health, but it also helps navigate your feelings better when you are facing a problem. You are able to reflect inward and discover the different parts of your psyche that you never knew you had.

Art: Divine feminine energy embodies the source of creation and life. The same way people with wombs give birth to children, an artist's project can be their beautiful baby. Find what type of art form brings you peace and allows you to express yourself (poetry, songwriting, dancing, painting, woodcarving, etc).

Exercise: I know this is something that some people struggle with (me included 💀) and when people hear that it's like "Ugh, I don't wanna work out! It's too hard!" but just hear me out okay? We have to exercise so our internal organs can stay healthy. When we don't take care of ourselves by not at least taking 15 minutes out of our day by owalking, exercising, or cardio, when there is 24 hours in a day... That is a major neglect to yourself. Just remember that it is a privilege that you still have the ability to move, jump, lift, run, squat, and even more. When there are people who suffer from chronic pain and disabilities that are still making sure to take care of their physical health because they have no other choice. When you think about how you're too "lazy" and you can't do it because of your "laziness", think of those people! Cherish the health that you have before it's too late. You can start by stretching, going for walks, or watching workout videos for beginners on YouTube.

Build a schedule: Having a routine is so important because it helps reduce stress and organizes the task that we have to do throughout our day. Make a sleep schedule for yourself as well. Going to bed late until 3 am in the morning or waking up too early is unsafe and makes you less alert when you are out in the world. So please be careful! Try to at least get 6 hours of sleep a day. Drinking tea, taking a warm bath, or using essential oils can help you fall asleep if you don't like using melatonin.

Cleanliness & Hygiene: It's unfortunate that I have to say this but some people were not taught by their parents on how to be clean. Or how cishet men feel that being hygienic is "gay". That's absurd! Everyone should have a clean house, clean body, and a good hygiene routine. There is no excuse for that. Even when I was depressed I still would get up to brush my teeth or wash my hair because I knew that if I were to ever go too long without taking care of my hygiene I'd have to deal with damaging my teeth, hair, or skin. Everything has a cause and effect when you neglect doing self care and that could also be apart of the reason why you feel so down about your looks is due to that lack of poor hygiene. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant or you need to do a 10 step skincare routine all the time. You can buy beauty products for cheap at off price retail stores and combs, toothbrushes, etc, at the dollar store. All you gotta do is wash your face and shower daily (scrub in between your ass cheeks, please and thank you 💀), brush your teeth at least 3 or more times a day, moisturize with lotions, use a sunscreen (cus nobody got time for skin cancer), apply deodorant, and that's literally it. You can use toners, serums, and skin treatments if you feel like iy but it's not neccessary unless you have specific concerns (acne, wrinkles, etc).

Personal finance 💵: As a Capricorn ♑️, there is nothing more important to me than having my own money. Knowing how to budget and being responsible with your funds is so crucial. You can manifest prosperity and be wealthy, but if you don't know what to do with a million dollars, how could you ever receive it? It is so attractive when someone is wise with their money. I took elective classes in high school for commercial art, marketing, and personal finance so that way I could learn to how to be independent as an adult and not have to "hustle" or live the struggle life. Always take care of your household bills (utilities, repairs, gas for the car, etc.) first and then leave a certain amount for yourself for when you want to have fun, go shopping, etc. Learn about how to make an investment, as well as stocks, because that is another way that you can make a lot of money (and no I don't mean Crypto or NFTs 😭)

Education is key 📚: READ HEAUXS REEEEAD 👓 Make those sapiosexuals quiver with your big sexy brain 🧠. I just feel like in general we need to be knowledgeable about our history and *Jaden Smith voice* the political state of the world right now. Being dismissive and ignorant is a major turn off. You have to be able to know how to communicate in certain settings or talk about certain subjects, or else you're gonna just look and sound dumb. I don't care if you like to read about insects or flowers, just find a topic that interests you.

Boundaries: A simple way to start implementing self care into your daily routine is by being able to say "Yes." Or "No." I know for women it is hard to assert themselves and say no especially when there is a grimy ass man tryna flirt with you (ayoooo shawty 🤓), but for your own protection you gotta do it. When people know you are not stern and you are not able to defend yourself, they take advantage of that. It makes you an easy target. Let's say for a example, you have a overbearing parent that constantly drains and takes from your energy. This parent doesn't respect you and makes you feel bad about yourself because you let them. When they ask you for something, you can just say; "Thank you but I will not be doing that. It would be an inconvenience for me right now because I have to focus on ___" or "I would prefer not to do that because I have to do ___ this week and it's very important". Even if it's not anything actually important, still say no. Another example is if you have a friend that's toxic and is not elevating you in any type of way (mentally, emotionally, or finacially). Then tell them that and cut them off. You are not obligated to stay around anyone who brings you down. Here is a list of ways to set boundaries professionally. Also learn to stop over apologizing here is what you can do instead. Margot Robbie learned to say "Thank you" instead of saying "sorry" because of Barbie.

Meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️: A useful skill in embracing your thoughts, whether they are positive or negative, to help in finding your inner zen. Meditation was something that was tricky for me at first. Most people say to "empty your mind and be still" when meditating and for someone with ADHD, I was like... "Umm, this is boring 💀???" but overtime I tried it a few times again and have grown to appreciate it! I learned that meditation was actually quite helpful for me, especially when I felt burdened with too many tasks, or was dealing racing thoughts. It just really helped me calm down, especially when I was feeling overwhelmed (for people who experience sensory overloads I highly recommend!). I no longer feel ashamed or fearful of when a intrusive thought crosses my mind. I just simply let that thought pass through and go on about my day. The average young adult has over 6,000 thoughts a day, so why would I give something so meaningless power? I am in control of myself and what I react to. For this, it will allow you to do the same.

Spend time with a loved one: I'm sure we all have someone who we consider our comfort person or a special pet that makes us feel calm. Humans are animals, sometimes we need that social interaction to stay sane during troubling times. Make a phone call, text, or plan to meet up with a friend or family member this week. Maybe even step out of your comfort zone and ask an acquaintance out for lunch.

Be brave: Remember what I said about stepping out of your comfort zone? That's right. It's time to stop living life of regrets and live a life of excitement. I want you to think about something you've been really wanting to do lately but haven't pursued it yet because of fear, doubt, or limiting beliefs. Take a deep breath and release it to the universe, your spirit guides, or any deity that you worship. Maybe there is a person you have a crush that you have been wanting to ask out lately or have been wanting to dye your hair a new color but were afraid of how it would turn out. Whatever it is, just have courage to go after what you want for once. For being brave is just about taking a leap of faith, even when you are scared.

How to awaken your inner goddess ✨️:

Loving yourself shouldn't be a chore, it should be a ritual baby 😌! Now for my beginner witches or practioners in closed practices. I know it can be intimidating to start doing deity work. That's why you have to take things slow and go at your own pace. I always recommend starting with doing a cleansing (burning incense, spraying florida water, etc) or a protection spell before doing any other kind of magick. Even though yes, I do worship Aphrodite, it is not neccessary for people to only go to her for a "glow up". There are sooooo many deities who are also gods or goddesses of love, beauty, etc. Naturally, a deity will show you signs that they wish to work with you, so makw sure to be on the look out for that!

Also if you are a woman of color like mwuahhh 😘 then here are a list of deities that also represent love, confidence, beauty, fertility, & creativity in African, Asian, Indigenous, & Pacific Islander religions:

Oshun (closed practice / Yoruba)

Yenaya (closed practice / Yoruba)

Hathor

Bastet

Isis

Astarte

Rati (Hinduism)

Lakshimi (Hinduism)

弁才天 / Benzaiten (Japanese Buddhism)

자청비 / Jacheongbi

仰阿莎 / Yang Asha

Liễu Hạnh

Mayari

Laka

Xochiquetzal

Estsanatlehi

Other deities are:

Apollo, Cupid, Eros, Priapus, Min, Brigid, & Dionyus

There is also ascended masters, saints, archangels, ancestors, & spirit guides that you can connect with. I recommend building a relationship with your ancestors first.

How to talk your deity:

Create an altar for them or a sacred space.

Cleanse the area to avoid interacting with trickster spirits.

Place offerings on the table (make sure to look up what offerings they like!).

Light a candle or burn incense for them.

Write them a letter or pray. You can ask them for help with your specific needs or just talk to them about your day or how you are currently feeling.

BE CONSISTENT! Deities are not one of your little friends, they are gods/goddesses. Show them respect by praying, including them in spellwork, and giving them offerings frequently (they are understanding if you cannot give them food or drinks all the time though if you cannot afford it).

The final boss, The Enchantress 🔮❄️:

"SHADOW MONEY WIZARD GANGGG! We love casting spells 😈"

Alright, alright. I know you guys were reading all this thinking "Bitch where tf is the tutorial??? 😭" BUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY WAS IMPORTANT SO YOU CAN HAVE LONG TERM RESULTS 💀! Here is the moment you've all been waiting forrr 🤭!

101 on Glamour Magick:

The days of the week are connected to the planets.

Friday is a good day for casting love and beauty spells since it's ruler is Venus. While on Monday you can cast spells for healing & enhancing psychic powers, since it's ruler is the Moon. Thursday's ruler is Jupiter so you can cast spells for money and prosperity.

Buy a mirror that is for your special use only (If someone ends up accidently using it it's okay nothing bad will happen to them). Spray it with a window cleaner and wipe it down counter clockwise, say what your intention is for the mirror as you clean it. You can buy any kind of mirror you like (compact mirror, hand held mirror, desktop mirror, etc).

You can use your mirror for scrying or seeing into the future (divination).

When doing your mirror work, look into your eyes, and affirm to yourself. It can be anything you wish to say. Just let it flow naturally. It might feel uncomfortable at first but as you continue to practice it you will feel more confident about it.

Include your deity while affirming. (When I do this, I show appreciation to Aphrodite, and thank her for blessing me with such beauty and grace. Even when in the moment I don't have the results I wish to see, I know it is going to happen because I have faith in her.)

Ask your ancestors what their beauty rituals and regimes were. Doing routines that your ancestors did will create a closer bond with them and also build confidence in your ethnic features.

Items that are represented as love: roses, cinnamon, honey, sugar, vanilla, coriander, basil, chamomile, carnations, tulips, lockets, keys, & hearts

Items that are represented as beauty: cowrie shells, orchids, peony, ribbons, veils, & bows

Items that help enhance intuition: seashells, conch shells, rosemary, lotuses, & feathers

Chinese guashas & jade rollers help reduce stress, tension, and puffiness in your facial muscles. It can also help sculpt your face.

African waistbeads were worn by women under their clothes to help slim their waist and also attract love. Depending on the crystals used, it would also help manifest abundance.

Some beauty crystals used for love, beauty, & intuition are: Rose quartz, jade, pink tourmaline, moonstone, amethyst, selenite, garnet, carnelian, and turquoise.

You can carve sigils or symbols onto your candle, an easy one to use is the venus symbol ♀️.

A list of meanings for the scents of the candle, wax, or deodorizer in your home. Here is the list for incense.

Candles are great to seal your spell jars or use on their own for magick.

A list of different burning sticks you can use (smudging, white sage, and Palo Santo is a closed practice)

The scent of your perfume can be used for seduction or attracting love/popularity.

Soap, shampoo, or conditioner can be used to cleanse your energy.

Ingredients in foods, cleaning, haircare, skincare, or beauty products can have magical properties that you can attract towards you or your home. (I.E: Lavendar for peace & tranquility, Lemon for warding off negative energy, & Vanilla for love)

"The hair theory" trend is a form of glamour magick. Doing your hair differently can create a new persona and change how people perceive you.

Depending on your hair color it can represent the elements.

Your hair texture can symbolize what power you have: Coily hair grows upward and rises towards the sun. When using their awareness, they are highly observant and courageous. Coily hair has the fire element. Curly hair breaks hexes and spiritually protects the mind. Due to it's volume and resemblance to a cloud, it has the air element. People with wavy hair are intuitive, affectionate, and sensitive, their element is water. Straight hair is the most connected to the earth. People with this hair texture can be introverted, dependable, and grounded.

Your hair length signifies your current state of energy.

Short hair is connected to father sky.

Long hair is connected to mother earth.

It is best to cut your hair when you are in need of releasing stress, anguish, and turmoil.

You can set your intentions into the hair that you braid.

Black people can cornrow patterns or symbols onto their scalp for manifestation.

Locs symbolize freedom and wisdom from the ancestors.

Twists can be used for spiritual binding.

Read here for more on hair witchcraft & hair astrology.

Wearing headscarves, hijabs, bonnets, durags, or hats can protect you from the evil eye or if you're an empath, it can protect your energy from being drained in public spaces.

Do not make any physical changes during a Venus retrograde.

Plastic surgery can alter one's identity. It is like putting on a different mask. It can become an addiction to people who feel lost in life. While for others it can give them a new path to start on.

You can paint sigils or symbols for nail art.

The nail shape you have or get done at a salon can correspond to Onychomancy (https://www.tiktok.com/@taisoleil/video/7035737221068082479?_t=8etXLhtR3LH&_r=1)

You can also use yours or other's eyebrows for divination.

Straight eyebrows: someone who is level headed. Round eyebrows: someone who is compassionate with a kind heart. Arched eyebrows: someone who is independent. Thick eyebrows: someone who can be stubborn and goal oriented. Thin eyebrows: someone who is bold and daring. No eyebrows: someone who is a risk taker and can be careless. The unibrow: symbolizes good luck, fertility, & serendipity.

Your eyelashes are for good luck (which is why people make a wish on fallen lashes, they are similar to dandelions).

Different lash styles can be used as a "barricade".

Manga/spiked lashes: makes you appear pure & innocent, can get away with stuff more. Fluffy lashes: depending on the thickness, it can resemble a spider, therefore can cause someone to have a intensive aura. Cat/hybrid lashes: Increase in clairvoyance, see past the 3D, and have the senses of a feline. Natural lashes: The gaze will be comforting and welcoming to others, they can see into your soul.

Your eye color can mean what powers you have for spells. Colored contacts can create a different outcome.

Glasses can be used for insight and enlightenment. While sunglasses or shades, can make you more mysterious/hide your identity.

For those with periods, cycle syncing can help with increasing productivity.

Depending on your body shape, weight, & features it could symbolize your status in society.

In ancient Greece, people who were voluptuous with plump bellies were seen as healthy & rich. It was a sign of being well fed and treated like royalty.

In Africa & Southeast Asia, long necks signify having dignity & elegance.

Being tall could be seen as powerful, while being short could be seen as delicate. If you are average height, you could be seen as harmonious.

Physiognomy is the method of using the face & body for divination. In China, it is a popular method for readings.

Moles, birthmarks, & skin tags are believed to be the sign of being a Witch.

Vitiligo can mean spiritual purification & finding beauty in your imperfections.

It has been said that freckles are kisses from the angels. These people themselves can be described as earth angels or have a closer connection with archangels.

The form of your freckles can symbolize different things. If they form in a straight line, it could mean you are a focused person. If they are scattered, you like to go with the flow in life. If your freckles come and go during the seasons, you like to experience change or excitement often in your life.

Freckles & beauty marks overall show signs of a person having a unique character.

The clothing you wear can have a mystical effect.

Baggy/layered clothing: spiritually protective. Revealing clothing: free spirited & alluring. Patterned clothing: Makes you illusive or hard to decipher. Animal print clothing: embodies the energy of said animal (I.E: Tiger print would make you appear cunning & fierce). Colorful clothing: your spirit will seem more youthful & vivacious.

The shoes you wear can make you walk into new opportunities unexpectedly.

You can keep a piece of paper that has a spell in your shoes for good luck or attracting your desire.

Buying shoes and watches for your romantic partner is bad luck in hoodoo (Shoes can make someone walk out the door and leave forever. While watches can make someone look at the time they have left with you.)

Earrings can help you hear what others say about you or what gossip is going around. (I heard the most compliments the other day while wearing my gold hoops 💫)

A necklace that has a charm or crystal can be used as a tailsmans, amulet, or pendulum.

Wearing rings on which hand or finger could enhance your abilities.

The same way there is money bowls, you can also make love or beauty bowls, or even use your jewelry box.

You can use color magick when doing your makeup or choosing an outfit.

Primer, lotions/moisturizers, body butters, oils, and gels can be used for sigils.

Foundation is for stability and being secure with yourself.

Concealer "cloaks" or "veils" your weaknesses or insecurities.

Contour makes space and structure for your desire.

Eyeliner can be used as a tool. It wards off negative spirits & people with bad intentions.

In ancient Egypt, the use of Kohl represented rank and achievement.

Mascara can be used to give you a different perspective in things or make you more open minded.

Eyeshadow enhances your eyes & brings more depth or dimension. Makes your gaze hypnotic & enticing like a siren's.

Highlighter shines your best qualities.

Bronzer makes your presence more warm & friendly

Blush is for playfulness, youthfulness, flirtation, and vitality.

The lip product you use can speak your desires into fruition. It also make your words sound more beautiful. People will want to listen more because they will feel attracted to your voice.

Lip gloss: makes your intentions "stick" to you. Lipstick: Leaves a "mark" on your target (especially if it's someone you fancy 💋). Lip stain: makes your words have a permanent effect on people, they won't forget you. Flavored lip balms: makes your kisses addicting.

Powder enhances your spell & adds a touch of good luck.

Setting spray finishes the spell.

528 Hz is the frequency of love.

Listening to frequencies, music, & subliminals can attract your desires.

You can make a playlist for your deity or ancestors to channel messages from them.

Here are some celebrities who used mirror work or glamour magick to manifest:

Beyoncé's Renaissance album has themes of having a good self concept, knowing your worth, manifesting self love & abundance.

Marilyn Monroe used visualization & affirmations to manifest her beauty and fame: “I daydreamed chiefly about beauty. I dreamed of myself becoming so beautiful that people would turn to look at me when I passed.”

Michael Jackson would keep sticky notes and a diary full of affirmations in his room by his mirror: “I'm beautiful (4x). I'm gorgeous. [Bad..?] Is for me, who can be against me? I'm beautiful. I'm a new person now. Beautiful, knowing the secret, and determined with fire[?] to move mountains in all I do. Molding my own world. I'm beautiful. The old me is behind. I will much ahead anew. - MJ”

Alexa Demie stated in a interview with Vogue that she would say affirmations in the mirror daily in the morning and it helped her manifest clear skin: “I have beautiful, clear, acne-free, scar-free skin.”

Princess Nokia is a bruja and is well known for her constant change in appearance: “Casting spells with my cousins / I'm the head of this coven / I'm a shapeshifting bitch, you don't know who you loving.”

Thanks so much for reading, I wish you all the best of luck on your journey 🤍🤍🤍

#witchcraft #witches of color #witches of tumblr #love spell #glamour magick #mirror work #spell work #astrology #astro observations #pac #pick a card #affirmations #law of assumption #manifestation #ascendant #rising sign #desired appearance #shadow work #tarot #astrology observations #free readings #divine feminine #Aphrodite #hoodoo #greek mythology #orisha #oshun #yemaya #deity work #apollo

[witchspeka]

I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive

Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support

Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted

So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too

He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.

And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him

Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart

Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best

Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level

Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)

Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions

Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?

Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist

But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again

Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are

This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down

And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up

I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean

He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety

Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true

#ppl do a similar thing with seri but for different reasons but i do think in his case its worse cause thats a whole ass adult #anyway. i dont think im saying anything new i just wanted to ramble <3 #i missed mobposting what can i say #ik i saw somebody talk about this in a more eloquent way but i doubt i could find the post cause i dont think i rbed it so rip #mp100 #mob psycho 100 #kageyama shigeo #that ova needs to come out already im going insane #cine te a intrebat #also hope i didnt come off as too negative towards reigen or smth #but like. my favourite part of confession is him saying (i didnt know!) LIKE YEAH. U DIDNT. LMAO. #ppl treat him as a bit too reliable sometimes and dont give him a lot of room to grow like Reigen isnt even 30 yet!! he aint that old!! #he still needs to get HIS own shit tgt before giving out advice just saying. also he totally doesnt understand mob fully. how can he?? #he never mentions the incident with ritsu and considering mobs inclination of never telling anyone anything unless prompted #i doubt he knows... like reigen genuinely doesnt know the extent of mobs trauma!! when he said I Didnt Know he meant that shit!!!!!! #which is like. fine. cause to me whats important is how he always wants to protect mob and support him and help him #even if he doesnt always know how. even if advice backfires. hes always there and hes always trying and hes just as human and flawed as mob #himself #ig what im getting at is just that im bothered by the Flavour of reliable adult fandom is giving him. hes a lil pathetic and #fucks up sometimes and thats fiiiiiine. i feel like i talked shit about reigen but i do think hes a good guy and IS reliable just not in the #gives great advice way. but in the Knows How To Talk And Bullshit His Way Through Everything and Has Genuinely Good Intentions (usually) #and will throw away all of his self preservation if the situation requires him to. his advice is good but can be vague idk ONE rlly managed #to balance his pathetic side with his helpful reliable side and i dont think i articulated it the best way but like.... hes simultaneously #pathetic and sad but also the most sane and reliable adult in this show. rant over see u next time byeeee

[going-to-ikea-for-the-fries]

Bonded Pair (Pt.2) - OCxGhost Backstory.

|| [<- Part One] || [Part Three ->] ||

pairing: COD OC!Victoria "Whiskey" Callahan x Simon "Ghost" Riley words: 0.9K~ cw: canon Ghost backstory (torture, injuries), OC backstory (injury)

Soap got airlifted out in the middle of the night, after having walked a few miles in pitch darkness until the exfil location.

And although Ghost didn't hear it, he knows Laswell reamed out Whiskey for sending Soap packing.

Without Soap around, however, it meant they could get better sleeping shifts working.

As she woke up at 0200 on Day 5, she turned on her PTT. “I'm up…” She announced while rubbing her eyes.

Ghost had had nothing but time to think while she slept. 

When she wasn't dealing with Soap, Whiskey seemed like a good soldier. Smart, observant, professional, her head was always cool, her words calm and collected.

She was a strange one. He got some type of feeling of deja vu as they worked. Like looking in a mirror.

He had even called out to Laswell and asked for a bit more info on her, when, normally, he never would for anyone else.

“Morning, Sleepin’ Beauty.” He greeted.

“It's not morning yet. And don't call me Sleeping Beauty, or else I'll call you Grim Reaper.” She replied. Her voice was a bit raspy now that she had just woken up.

“It's morning enough…” Ghost retorted. He moved his binoculars in the direction of her camp, noticing her moving about in the dark through the night vision settings.

“Any movement?”

“Neg. Been peaceful.”

“Okay… Well, let me know when you want to sleep.”

“Rog.” There was a pause. Then, Ghost spoke again. “You seem much more relaxed without Soap here.” 

“I'm not a talker.”

“I've noticed.”

“You aren't either.”

“No, I'm not.”

“Then, this will make this mission easier. We can just stay quiet for the next two and a half weeks.”

“That we can.”

-

Day 5: 1800

Other than what they had to, to do their jobs, they stayed true to their word. They didn't speak again… 

.

.

.

For a total of 12 hours.

But then there was some type of… itch in Simon. He wanted to talk. He wanted to hear her.

“So what are you eating?” Ghost found himself asking while his plastic fork stirred his MRE.

“It's a… Mexican-style MRE. Has beans and cheddar cheese or something.” Whiskey replied. “It's the only one I actually don't mind eating. The others are disgusting.”

Through his binoculars, he could see her. And she could see him, if she peeked through hers He wondered if she was looking at him too or still focused on the job.

“You don't eat them for the taste-”

“I know you don't. I'm just saying.”

“Sounds better than mine, though.”

“What’s yours?”

“Some type of pasta thing.”

“Not bad.”

-

Day 5: 2000

“So, you and Johnny's girl…”

“Yep.”

“How long have you been friends?”

“Five years now.”

“Not bad.”

“That feels like a dig at my social skills.”

“It was. But I'm the same way. No offence.”

“None taken.”

“So, you didn't meet Johnny until now?”

“Nope. But heard plenty about him.”

“So what did he do?”

“Can't tell you.”

-

Day 6: 1300

“How long have you served?”

“9 years now. You?”

“15.”

“15? How fucking old are you?”

“31.”

“You joined at………. 16?”

“Affirm.”

“Interesting. Didn't know the UK let kids do that.”

“With parental permission.”

“I figured as much.”

“How old are you?”

“28, 29 this year.”

-

Day 8: 0200

“How was your sleep?”

“Decent.”

“As in… bad?”

“Yup.”

“Good to know.”

“Any changes?”

“None so far.”

“I don't like how quiet it is.”

“Neither do I.”

-

Day 11: 1200

“How'd you meet Laswell?”

“Being the only female Navy SEAL brings a lot of attention to me. You?”

“My Captain.”

“Right. Price?”

“You met him?”

“Worked with him last year.”

“What’d you think of him?”

“Eh… He was efficient. All in all have worked with less capable officers.”

“Don't trust him?”

“Don't distrust him. But that means nothing to me.”

“Same here.”

“He's your Captain, though.”

“And? People you know can hurt you the most.”

-

Day 14: 1630

“Where are you from?”

“North of England.”

“More specific?”

“Manchester. You?”

“Tennessee.”

“Explains the accent.”

-

Day 15: 0930

“Why the Navy?”

“It was either that or the Marines… and didn't get accepted into the Marines.”

“Why not?”

“My father was one. Pulled strings.”

“Trying to protect you?”

“Probably. Either way, I've been swimming since I was a girl. Navy made sense too.”

“I see.”

“Why the Army?”

“It was either that or construction.”

“Ah… not a lot of prospects.”

-

Day 17: 0045

“Why the mask?”

“Same as you. Bad job, bad people. Don't want to bare it out.”

“Yeah, but a skull? A real one at that?”

“You know it's real?”

“Of course I do.”

“Memory of a past life.”

“I see. Well, it looks terrifying.”

“Thank you. ‘s what I was going for.”

-

Day 19: 0350

“What's the worse scar I've got? I don't know. Have ‘em all over.”

“Gotta have a particularly nasty one, c'mon.”

“On my ribs, then. Big ugly fucker.”

“That's what I'm talking about. I’ve got a bad scar across the face. But my legs are worse.”

“Your legs?”

“Took a napalm bath.”

“Fuckin’ hell. And I thought mine were bad.”

“Yours?”

“Hung from a meat hook by the ribs.”

“Ouch. Are your organs okay?”

“They are now. Are your legs okay?”

“They are now.”

-

It was on Day 23, that stuff picked up the pace. The target was suddenly on the move and Ghost's voice rang out through the PTT to wake Whiskey up.

They contacted Watcher, packed up their nests and took off on foot to the helo to trail the HVT and intercept him.

Then, they split ways. Ghost reconvened with TF141 for the next part of the mission, and Whiskey took off to Algeria for her next assignment.

They parted ways with a look, the first of many to come, and a light fist bump.

#about ikea 💚 #cod oc #cod fanfic #oc: victoria “whiskey” callahan #ghost x whiskey #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x oc #ghost x oc #oc backstory

[cheerleaderman]

Astrid Primrose

A quite person who doesn’t want to stand out.Some-people think he’s hiding something deep given his curse but others see him as friendly and helpful.

Personality :

quite, reserved, socially awkward,only show true self with people their comfortable with, won’t say if he’s hurt, more Genuine with people they are comfortable with, pretty simple , Gracious  

Twst : the enchanted rose 

Basic Info

Age: 17

He/they

Voice claim: Langa- Sk8 the infinity (eng and Jp)

Birthday: September 18

Height: 174cm

class: 2-C

Dorm: Diasomnia

Nickname: koi fish (Floyd) Monsieur rose enchantèe(Rook)

Dominant Hand: Right  

favorite food: different kinds of bread, salad chocolate,and melon

Hobbies/likes: chess, cross word puzzles, puzzles, origami , snow, birds, architecture, stargazing 

Dislikes: feeling trapped, moldy food, mold , dumpster diving

Club: Equestrian  

Hometown : Briar Valley  

Best subject: astrology

Talents: Completing puzzles quickly and reading maps

Unique magic/Curse : Beast of the guilty 

He has no control of the curse but it seems like if he touches or direct eye contact for long enough. A shadow looking beast will surround a person in vine staring them down making them relive something they deeply regret and it could last for a day or two after being let go basically tormenting them with guilt. Astrid curse that will later become his UM.

For the selfish and the lairs

You must not feel pity

Because soon they will meet

The beast of the guilty

More info

-Wants to travel the world when they hit 21

-thinking of becoming an architect 

- Astrid pretty goofy with people they are comfortable with and would do it with his resting expression having others if he’s serious 

- Doesn’t talk much about their home or family when they do some say there is a kinda unsettling feeling/ look in his eyes

-Swears the horses like messing with him

-Part Fae but didn’t know until Sebek said something ( Malleus and Lilia thought he knew about it)

- believes they’re unlovable

-played against Leona in chess during a school club event and impressed Leona so now they play against each other often (Astrid got adopted )

-Friends with Jamil (they don’t have a label on their relationship) They were in the same class in 1st year and would talk continue to talk. Would look Astrid in the eyes and miss the shot on purpose goofy stuff like that.

J-“what’s your obsession with bread?” A-“Bread was the only food that wasn’t stale or moldy that was given to me at the orphanage * goes back to eating bread*” J-*shocked*

-Managed to get Azul indebted to him with 2 favors and would always avoid his attempts saying “he doesn’t want anything from Azul” Azul can’t even blackmail since there isn’t much he can use besides basic info even then Astrid blocks the attempt.

-good at drawing manly buildings and interiors and has some sketchbooks filled of them

- Would carry Sliver back to the dorm if it’s late/ Sliver would sometimes fall asleep on them

-Sebek has never called Astrid human

Outfits

Backstory

Astrid lived in an poor orphanage in Briar valley until they were 10. During their time there others would stay away or bully him because of his curse thinking he did it on purpose causing them to run away.Astrid would dumpster diving for food, doing best to survive when he teacher found them.

Being taken in Astrid reside in the west wing of the place.Given a place to stay and food to eat he was very grateful for finally finding a family so he thought. Even though his teacher showed him love and kindness the rest of her family didn’t seem to like him and didn’t understand why.

At 14 is when he finally understood sneaking out of the west wing. Walking around coming across room where Teacher and her husband were talking about no other than their cruse.

The cures was supposed to be used against his teacher.Due to the selfishness and betraying her old friend.

One day you will come across a child who will be your downfall.

By the time the child turns 21 you will pass as they will obtain the magic you prioritize so dearly.

But if you put away your selfishness and welcome the child into your arms truly loving them you may live to see another day.

He never heard such a venomous tone from his teacher but didn’t hear anymore running back to his room heartbroken.

“That why teacher family doesn’t like me”

“Were those accident everyone trying to get rid of me”

“Teacher doesn’t even like me, My parents didn’t want, The staff ignores me, no one wants to be around me”

“All because of this stupid curse! The only reason I’m here is for someone’s revenge”

“I’m I really that unlovable?”

After that day Astrid started to pretend to reciprocate the “love”  their teacher gave them.Planning to leave at 20 which changed when he got excepted into NRC for when they graduate they’ll just never return home.

#twisted wonderland #art #twst #twst oc #twisted oc #twisted wonderland oc #oc art #oc #artists on tumblr #cheer!art #cheer!Astrid #oc lore #oc intro

[hikari-ni-naritai]

actually fuck it we're talkignm about it now. it being how shinsekai yori deals with sex and sexuality.

's fuckin weird dude! and its genuinely hard, once again, to tell what the author's stance on this is! in the beginning we learn that ancient humans, in attempting to create a new social model, considered basing it on bonobo society. bonobos as you may know are extremely promiscuous monkeys that solve nearly all interpersonal problems with sex. they decided against this, saying it wouldnt work, but elements are present in the society the show presents us. theyre much more permissible about sex and sexuality than modern japan. same-sex relationships are seen as completely normal for our 14-year-old protagonists. but we'll come back to that.

the knowledge that society couldve been based on bonobo sexual mores haunts saki for years. any time she's in a sexual situation, she thinks back on it. the first time is when her comphet boyfriend tries to have sex with her while theyre kidnapped by bakenezumi, and her response is basically 'we're better than monkeys'. which like, good on her for rejecting unwanted advances, but it bodes ill for the narrative the show pushes re: sex and sexuality.

at 14, the group's relationship dynamics look like this: saki is dating maria, but she's actually in love with shun, a boy ive neglected to talk about at all. saki's comphet boyfriend is dating shun and in love with him. shun tolerates this. maria is in love with saki. and mamoru is dating no one, and is in love with maria. i cant blame him. anyway we've got two cute little gay couples in our friend group! nobody seems to have anything to say about this, so its socially acceptable, right? i mean. sure. if youre 14. there are no adults in gay relationships. the assumption is still there, 1000 years in the future, that being gay is something that kids grow out of, some kind of practice for proper adult heterosexual relationships that can bear children. the only difference between modern japan and this fictional world is that boys are also allowed to be gay with each other as kids.

but even then! the narrative treats comphet boyfriend's gayness and saki's gayness completely differently. there's a validity to comphet boyfriend's feelings that is not afforded to saki. her feelings for maria are constantly overshadowed by her True Feelings for shun. meanwhile, comphet boyfriend's True Feelings for shun are just accepted. even years later, when maria's out of the picture, comphet boyfriend's gay crush is treated seriously. as 14 year olds, saki asks mamoru if it's really all that fun to choose to be alone and pine for the one you love instead of hooking up with someone. its pretty clear that she asks this because she wonders if she made the wrong choice to date maria, and maybe she shouldve stayed single hoping to get a chance with shun. when she's with maria, she remembers the bonobos. isnt she supposed to be better than this?

maria's crush on saki is more real, but it's not taken seriously either. she leaves her to be with mamoru, who she's never shown romantic interest in. but he loves her, and she cant have babies with saki, so it's only natural, right? sure she's sad to leave saki, but she has a Duty to this boy who has a crush on her, or something.

i dunno. i dont want to say the author is critiquing homosexuality here, or saying we should be better than that, or better than sex with little or no attachment, but it would be hard to deny it.

if someone's your dearest friend and lover, dont leave them to get pregnant in a rat colony. ok?

#shinsekai yori #sorry for spending 2 and a half hours ranting about this show #its given me some kind of brain worms

[the-apples-were-monitored]

i've said before that it is completely out of line to look at a person recounting painful memories of childhood abuse and then bring up their past mistakes and i'm standing by that. i know some of you are going to jump on me for saying "mistakes" but this isn't me trivializing. this is me looking at things in context.

i haven't seen these supposed sources where they say drake bell's victim admitted to lying. i looked at news sources from the time and looked at statements given and haven't seen it anywhere in there that she admitted to lying, which i would assume would be front page news. if anyone wants to direct me to something verifiable that isn't part of a tiktok conspiracy, i would be interested. i have seen that bell wasn't convicted of actually touching the girl and they found no evidence of pictures ever being sent. the internet keeps vaguely saying the girl stalked him before and lied about her age and i don't know how true that is. it's always reprehensible to groom children and there isn't a justification for that. a few years ago i might agree with commentators saying "you don't just not know that someone is 12" but i worked at space camp for the past few years and there were a few times where i was looking for my assigned group and was told that the group that i'd assumed were 17 and 18 year olds (because they were taller than me and more muscular or filled out) were actually 12 and were actually my assigned group. idk what they're putting in the water but i assume it's these damn tiktok beauty standards. and i often have the opposite problem - when i was 16, people would assume i was 13. now that i'm 29, people assume i'm 19-14. i have a friend in her mid20s who is constantly mistaken for a 10 year old boy. it is fucking hard to tell how old someone is and if it's true that she was in his shows which were meant to be 18+ he'd have no reason to know her age. i've seen commentators state he immediately broke off contact when learning about her age.

i want to give benefit of the doubt in this case. i want to believe that the apology given was with complete accountability and remorse. imagining being in his position and realizing he may have contributed to an unsafe situation on par with one he himself experienced may have been a huge wake up call for him. i want to remind everyone though that we are not called on to forgive drake bell. we're not the wronged party in the case. the only one who can give forgiveness is the victim and victims do not owe that.

and with that i feel i should say that i can unfortunately believe that the domestic violence accusations may be true. the timeline seems to match up with the years immediately following what happened with him, the years he'd be more likely to flounder and struggle with the secret he was keeping. who knows what unprocessed trauma he was living with? it doesn't make it okay by any means (and again we are not the ones tasked with "forgiving" him and victims don't even owe that) but it makes a certain sense in context. i do think drake bell needs to come forward and tell people to stop attacking his ex on social media because come the fuck on. just because someone went through something horrific doesn't mean they can't do fucked up shit. i know i've done fucked up shit and i've worked through it as best i can. internet harassment and hate campaigns are not the way, but we didn't learn that lesson with amber heard (who i 100% believe sorry not sorry).

i think we need to move on from this mentality of holding people (particularly child stars) up on pedestals then dragging them down when they do fucked up shit. i have to believe people can change and grow. i'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt so long as a pattern doesn't emerge. we need to move on from thinking that there is a "perfect" victim or that if someone has transgressed in later life that means their victimhood doesn't matter. we can mourn the child that drake bell was. we can mourn the child that amanda bynes was. we can mourn the person that all these people could be if they weren't swallowed by this cesspit. that is a separate conversation from talking about the ways they fucked up after coming out of that environment irreparably damaged.

leave behind the mentality that to show compassion for another human being is the same as "forgiving" them. and move on from the mentality that you personally are the one wronged when these people's lives have nothing to do with you.

#feel free to reach out to me if new details emerge or if i get something wrong #i've been microdosing on this situation because steeping myself in it would be bad for my mental health #but if i'm online i'm willing to keep talking about this #rape tw #abuse tw #quiet on set

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Anonymous

Published: Feb 8, 2023

• An anonymous student speaks out about transgender ideology in her school  • The student, aged 14, attends a state secondary school in South-East England • Claimed teachers say Lady Macbeth non-binary and girls wear breast binders

She’s 14 and attends a co-educational state secondary in South-East England — where she says one in ten children in her year identifies as trans or non-binary. After becoming increasingly upset by the school’s acceptance of transgender ideology, this female student has decided to expose the truth about life in an ongoing culture war.

The other day, I went to the school office to get a new copy of the timetable. The teacher I spoke to used ‘they/them’ pronouns about me, asking another member of staff, ‘they have lost their timetable, can they have a new one?’

He knows me really well and it’s clear that I’m a girl. I felt furious he didn’t just say ‘she’. But it’s not just the odd teacher here or there; I am regularly asked if I am in the process of transitioning.

There is a gender-neutral uniform policy at school and lots of the girls wear trousers. Those of us that do are often asked if we are transgender, especially if we have short hair, as I do.

The fact a girl likes playing video games, or doesn’t like feminine clothes or make-up is enough to be seen as potentially trans. When my mum complained about me being called ‘they’, the teacher apologised but explained he was being cautious in case I was transitioning. He said the teachers are treading on eggshells, scared of being labelled transphobic.

It feels like trans is all anyone talks about. The library has a section devoted to LGBTQQIA+ books and there is a display for Pride in the school entrance, with rainbow flags and words and terms such as ‘non-binary‘, ‘polysexual’, ‘demiboy’, ‘demigirl’ and ‘pansexual’. These words come up in lessons, too. I’m now in Year 10, and the other day a girl in my English class asked if the Greek god Zeus was a man or a woman and the teacher replied that Zeus could have ‘identified as non-binary’.

More recently another teacher said Lady Macbeth was ‘neither a man nor a woman’. I think most parents will have no clue this is what their kids are being taught.

So I’m glad the Education Secretary Gillian Keegan is set to tell schools they must be more open about their handling of trans issues. I would be too scared to say this at school, though. I would lose my friends if I did, as they’re completely intolerant of anything they think is transphobic.

That’s what made me decide to speak out here — without giving my real name.

When I started at my secondary school four years ago, I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ meant. It hadn’t been talked about in primary school or at home. But within days, we were told by a teacher in our PSHE (personal, social, health and economic education) class that we would be seen as ‘transphobic’ if we used any of the ‘offensive words’ from a long list, which included ‘gender bender’ and ‘butch’.

I had no idea what transphobic meant, but I could tell it was definitely something I didn’t want to be seen as. At that age, when you are told something at school you just believe it. We trusted that what the teachers told us was true. 

But I did ask my mum about it later. She is a feminist and is critical of students being dictated to. She said that often it depends how you use words — that people within queer communities have used ‘gender bender’ as a positive way to describe themselves and that ‘butch’ is used by lesbians to describe other lesbians who are quite masculine in appearance.

While still in my first year, 11-year-old girls in my class began asking to be called ‘he’ or ‘them’.

Soon afterwards a number of others were doing the same. It felt as if they joined in because it meant they were seen as cool.

You get special treatment if you say you are trans or non-binary and suddenly become the centre of attention when you ‘come out’.

As soon as a girl says she is a boy, her name is changed on the school register and students are told to use their chosen boy’s name.

Now, out of 200 students in my year, at least 20 say they’re trans — almost all are girls claiming to be boys or non-binary. Although there is one boy saying he’s a girl, this really is largely about girls saying they are boys. The kids in my year don’t say they are lesbian or gay, because those words are thought to be an insult.

There is a straight boy going out with a straight girl who says she is trans, so he now has to say that he’s bisexual. It’s often said by my schoolmates that trans girls are ‘better’ girls than ‘other girls’. I find this insulting. But the teachers don’t take any action even if they do hear conversations like this.

Recently, I was watching a news item with friends about the changes to the Gender Recognition Act in Scotland and every time a guest on the programme said, ‘this is a threat to sex-based rights’, my friends were sneering and laughing. It made me feel as though girls have no rights and are not respected in my school.

There is constant talk of transphobia and bigotry and many of the students who say they are trans constantly talk about being ‘victims’, with anyone who isn’t trans being the perpetrator.

Coming out as a lesbian or gay doesn’t have the same effect, but barely any students do, in my experience.

My friend Kelley* was ‘affirmed’ [accepted without question] as a boy in Year 7. She has serious mental health issues and is regularly off school as she self-harms.

Kelley socially transitioned without any teacher challenging her. She has a new name and can now use the boys’ changing rooms. All my friends pretty much believe in ‘gender identity’. Girls and boys are referred to by teachers and students as ‘assigned female at birth’ or ‘assigned male at birth’. This is shortened to AFAB and AMAB.

There is also confusing language such as the word for being attracted to non-binary people, ‘skoliosexual’. I find it ridiculous — but can’t say that.

There is a lot of breast-binding going on, too, but we don’t know who might be on puberty blockers because no one talks about that. One trans-identified girl wants to get a breast binder, but was complaining that her parents would not want her to.

I joined the Equalities Club because I believe in equal rights for all, then found it was impossible to talk about any group, other than trans people, that was discriminated against. There’s a rule against wearing badges in school but some students wear trans flag and pronoun badges and nobody tells them off.

Recently, a group of us were watching Prime Minister’s Questions and when MPs talked about maternity care, using the terms ‘birthing partner’ and ‘non-birthing partner’, I wondered out loud why they didn’t just say ‘mother’.

I was told off by a friend who said that not everyone with a cervix is a woman. I didn’t want to disagree because I knew what would happen — I would be publicly humiliated.

Until now, I’ve just gone along with most of it. But there are some things I can’t leave alone. For example, I really like J. K. Rowling but she was called a ‘TERF’ (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist) by a friend, who said she was heartbroken to hear that J.K. was ‘anti-trans’.

I asked in what way J.K. was transphobic but this friend couldn’t give me an answer, she just said: ‘I hope all TERFS drop dead.’ I was shocked by her anger.

There have also been violent comments on social media towards ‘transphobes’ with students from the school threatening to strangle them.

That’s why I’m writing this piece anonymously, although I believe I should be able to say these things without fear of attack. I want adults to know what it’s really like in schools like mine now.

*Names have been changed.

==

This confusion, this uncertainty isn't a bug of Queer Theory, it's the explicitly stated intent. When nobody can trust anything about the world, they can't know whether to oppress you or to give you the privileges associated with being an oppressor. No more "systemic" oppression. One of the big problems is that this constantly questioning your own perceptions is a tactic of Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's no wonder it attracts narcissists.

https://segm.org/England-ends-gender-affirming-care

The new NHS guidance recognizes social transition as a form of psychosocial intervention and not a neutral act, as it may have significant effects on psychological functioning. The NHS strongly discourages social transition in children, and clarifies that social transition in adolescents should only be pursued in order to alleviate or prevent clinically-significant distress or significant impairment in social functioning, and following an explicit informed consent process.

It's Psych 101 that affirmation solidifies belief, because it wires the amygdala to accept the belief as reality. If you keep telling someone "yes, you are a victim, the world is out to get you," they'll become helpless and incapable. If a therapist actually recommended affirmation therapy for those with anorexia nervosa - "if you think you're overweight, you must be, since you're the expert on you. In fact, you could probably even stand to lose a few more lbs" - we'd know they were incompetent and dangerous.

https://cutdowntree.substack.com/i/54708841/metaphysics-of-marginalization

If those who are born Black or disabled are the chosen, trans people are the converts who have voluntarily accepted Marginalization. They choose to suffer more from their involuntary embodiment. Because of this, they become virtuous. They are saved.

#Anonymous #gender ideology #ideological corruption #ideological capture #corruption of education #queer theory #affirmative therapy #affirmation model #trans identity #nonbinary #victimhood #victimhood culture #religion is a mental illness

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

Something I’m increasingly sceptical of in modern mental health culture is this constant insistence to open up. Share your story! says every celebrity. Speak out! says every company. [...]

My main concern with this is that Gen Z are very lonely and screen-addicted and so often take this advice and start opening up online. [...] On TikTok #mentalhealth has over 127 billion views; #trauma alone has almost 30 billion.

And no wonder! Not only is there this cultural push to open up, but campaigns and influencers explicitly encourage us to share our problems on social media. Like Kendall Jenner’s #howareyoureally hashtag, encouraging fans to share a video of their mental health story on Instagram. Or #postyourpill, the campaign started by Love Island influencer Dr Alex George urging people to post a photo of their mental health medication every month. “Join me,” he insists, “and take a stand against medication stigma”!

I have many concerns about this. Not because I think Dr Alex has bad intentions; I’m sure he genuinely wants to help. But firstly because his fans are likely very young. We’re talking teens and pre-teens. And he’s sharing this on TikTok, where a third of US users are thought to be 14 or under, and Instagram, where more than a million users are underage. Should we really be pressuring them to “please please please” post their pill and share their mental health problems with strangers?

Then there’s this framing of it as activism. Actually, more than activism—now it’s almost a duty. You need to open up because it helps other people! Maybe, but does it help you? You, a 15 year-old girl, are not responsible for removing the stigma around autism or ADHD. The progressive narrative now also seems to be that if you aren’t opening up about your mental health problems it has to be because of stigma or discrimination. Have we forgotten the word privacy? You don’t have to be ashamed, but you don’t have to share either.

I say this because there are risks to sharing your personal struggles, especially online. Something our current mental health culture seems unable to admit is that being open about your problems comes with problems. Rarely do we talk about the regret of opening up to the wrong people, or too soon before you’ve tried to recover or really understand what’s wrong, or of misrepresenting yourself. 

One major problem with opening up online, for example, is that whatever you share inevitably becomes part of your brand. This, I think, can explain a lot of Gen Z’s current obsession with and confusion around identity. We market ourselves from very young ages and then struggle to rebrand, to integrate our evolving selves into our online image. Once you share something on social media—your anxiety, OCD, gender dysphoria—it’s documented. You’re categorised. Consciously or not, you are more compelled to stick with it. But identities evolve! You are supposed to change! I find it so suffocating how modern culture makes us feel like it’s inauthentic or some sort of moral failure to change who you are or what you believe. Nobody can live up to that! And actually the opposite is true: something is very wrong if you aren’t changing. 

As I see it this is why older generations often chafe at all this oversharing. Not because they can’t relate to adolescent angst or have no compassion for mental illness, but from an understanding that things, people, change. Maybe you are in real emotional pain. But don’t go blasting your gender identity journey all over the internet because someone told you it’s brave. You might not feel that way in six months, a year, six years. Even if you do, you might not want it out there. You might not even remember that you thought you had Tourette’s in your pre-teens. Also: trends change. There may not be the same cultural cachet for sharing your symptoms in the future. People might not be as rewarding or forgiving, so don’t start relying on their validation now.

This is a caution, then. A plea, actually, to the young girls recording their anxiety attacks, documenting their depressed day in the life, introducing their multiple personalities, posing with their mental health pills, to honestly think about this: what if things change for you? What if when you’re 30 you don’t want that video of you crying on your bedroom floor online? Or cleaning your messy depression room? What if you don’t even relate to that person anymore?

And please, ask yourself: is this going to be good for your recovery? Because despite what the mental health industry would have you believe, your anxiety isn’t fixed or inevitable. You could get over your OCD. But you’ll make that much less likely and harder for yourself by posting it all over the internet and publicly building your identity around it first. Maybe you’re socially anxious at 14 but not at 20, but you made it your brand and showed the internet that you struggle to make a phone call and can’t order food. Maybe you desperately want to be seen as confident but you’ve already marketed yourself as anxious and that’s how people treat you. All I’m saying is you might regret reducing yourself to a collection of symptoms. This world can be cruel and unforgiving, and you might one day regret telling it you can’t cope.

Of course I understand sharing helps people feel less alone. I also recognise that social media is a nauseating highlight reel, that everyone is pretending to be perfect and that’s so much pressure—but I don’t think the answer to that is to post all of our personal and vulnerable moments. My answer would be to post less about everything.

Because another thing I want girls to think about is who really benefits here. A good rule of thumb for when something is being pushed this much in modern culture—when you’re hearing the same mantra over and over again like open up—is to think, okay, someone is majorly profiting here, who is it? Sometimes I wonder if this message to open up is so heavily pushed by social media companies like TikTok, Snapchat and Instagram because they benefit when we plaster our problems all over their platforms. [...]

“Check out how you can take care of your mental health on Snapchat and encourage your friends to do the same!” Right, well, firstly you’re never going to take care of your mental health on Snapchat. And Instagram—the place some teens have traced back the desire to kill themselves—is absolutely not #HereForYou. Open up and find “mental health resources on Instagram”! Key words: on Instagram. All this is an attempt to keep you on their platforms. Platforms very often responsible for mental health problems. Please don’t buy it.

I’m not saying don’t tell anyone. Just don’t tell the internet. I mean that sincerely: I wouldn’t even recommend opening up to online therapists. The therapy service BetterHelp has been fined millions for selling users’ mental health data—“rest assured this information will stay private!”—to platforms like Facebook (Meta) and Snapchat. And the more these sites know you are struggling, the more advertisers can categorise you. You’ll get ads for therapy apps and ADHD meds and mental health chatbots and get stuck in a cycle. This is more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s software engineering behind it. [...]

So: open up to people you know and trust. Talk to family and friends. If you aren’t fortunate enough to have those, turn to local communities, support groups, professionals when necessary. But stop opening up on the internet. Stop opening up about everything. Give yourself the chance to change organically; give yourself the option of moving on. Bottom line is I don’t think it’s worth exchanging your deepest emotional struggles for that hit of dopamine. Because Instagram being #HereForYou? Hahaha, please. Open yourself up to friends and family. Close yourself off from these companies.

#freya india #mental health #feminism #ed recovery #mental illness #depression #intersectional feminism

[marvelandponder]

How'd you overcome your social anxiety?

Let me try to give the most in depth answer I can, in case it's helpful to somebody.

I wanna start with the context that I started feeling socially anxious around 14 years old and went through a period of several years sometimes when it was better, sometimes when it was really bad. At 15, really bad. At 19, really bad.

There were a few things that really made a difference:

Social anxiety is built on several underlying, hardwired beliefs about yourself and the world around you. You might believe people are very easily bothered, very judgemental. You might believe that you're bad at socializing. So your subconscious looks for evidence that you're bothering them (even if they don't say it), or that you don't know how to talk to people, or that you're awkward or cringe or in any way a social pain to be around, and it reinforces those beliefs. And if those beliefs are reinforced, it puts additional pressure on any new interactions, and your confidence takes hit after hit because you have a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe negative things about yourself and by extention others around you, therefore you treat yourself as if they're true.

The trick is everyone is going to have slightly different variations of those kinds of beliefs. So step 1, understand what you believe about yourself and the world.

A good therapist can help with that! I'd been to one or two before I found one that helped me out.

For me, the beliefs were that people were judgemental all the time. That one surprised me, but thats WAS how I saw things. That I was bothering them by not saying the "right" things or not being able to hold easy conversation. That I was stuck the way I was, it was something intrinsically wrong about me. I also had massive amounts of guilt for all the things I wasn't doing - going to events or clubs or talking to people in lecture hall to try to make friends. I had a lot of guilt that I was letting myself off the hook - and that guilt of course put additional pressure on me anytime I thought about trying

Once you know what your beliefs are, you can start to take them apart. The trick is deciding on new beliefs that resonate in some way.

I didn't really want to think people were judgemental - in fact I knew most people don't really think about other people as much as they're worried about themselves! And a lot of people could actually be really nice and friendly and want you to do well

And it would take time, but I learned I could hold conversation - once the pressure was taken off. I think EVERYONE would be stumbling over words or struggling to say anything if they had that much anxiety - which means it's not you, it's the anxiety. And that can be dealt with, improved. But how do you take the massive amounts of pressure and anxiety off in order to get there?

Step 2: Exposure therapy

So the basic idea of exposure therapy is to introduce you to the thing you're scared of in small doses, get you more and more comfortable at that level, then introduce more of the thing you're scared of and repeat that process until you're doing the thing you're most afraid of and feeling pretty okay.

For me, I set some targets that I felt were appropriate to my level. There was a time when I set the bar too low and it actually didn't help because it wasn't challenging anything.

I set the challenge at somewhere where I was afraid, but wasn't super anxious: For me, that was going to the LGBTQA+ center on campus for their hangout/discussion night. I'd been before with a friend, but this was on my own. The idea was to hangout, participate if I had something to say, but also just be okay with not saying something if I didn't. To get comfortable in a situation where I didn't necessarily have to guide the conversation- that would be done by a facilitator- I just had to show up and coach myself through.

And... I did it.

Wasn't like I was a conversationalist or anything, but I showed up for myself! I even said a few things! And others were supportive and chill with me being there! I wasn't a burden on them!

See, the idea is to start disproving your old beliefs and reinforcing new ones

It was somewhere around that time that I also learned the concept of:

Step 3: Growth Mindset

This is more popularized than it was at the time, but just in case you don't know: a Fixed Mindset is someone who believes they are incapable of change or improvement, and a Growth Mindset is someone who believes they can get better. Carol Dweck was the psychologist who founded the concept, and she ran studies on school age kids - finding those with a fixed mindset about their math abilities, for instance, were less likely to study and improve when told they did poorly on a math test. Why try their best and reveal their true unchangeable level of skill? Whereas the kids with a Growth mindset who did poorly the first time believed it wasn't something intrinsically wrong with them why they did poorly, it was a skill they could improve on. And so they did

So that was something I genuinely took to heart. That was what I wanted to replace my old beliefs with: the idea that I used to think people judged me and that I may be anxious and still learning some social skills, but I'm learning and improving!

I happened to have an 8-month co-op job starting right around then, and I used that positive professional environment to be open about the fact that hey, panic attacks are a thing I've been dealing with, but I'm trying to get better. And because I was open with a few trusted folks, I gained more confidence, especially as my input was valued in work settings. I even made friends with coworkers in my cubicle - not by being super extroverted or outgoing, but learning to be comfortable around others slowly, over time. Developing confidence.

There was a 3 minute end of term presentation we all had to do, and naturally I'd never loved public speaking. So I decided to learn how to do it, really make myself better at it. I practiced for like a month! And I've gotta admit, I'm still proud of that little speech. My closing line?

That this was the first job I've worked where I didn't have a single panic attack.

And it was true.

By the way, people fucking loved that talk - like I had people recognize me from it even a couple years later. I actually set out to get better, believing I could, and because of that, I was like those kids in math class. I did

And I'll say too after that point, I was feeling pretty damn good. I started using past tense to describe my social anxiety

But I somehow kept feeling better and better over time.

I would realize other tiny beliefs or thought patterns I had, and overcome them by reframing them, and proving the old ones fucking wrong. I made friends easily. I realized I can hold conversation in a lot of situations actually! I realized many of the people I thought were judging me weren't at all, I just didn't know how to read them until I got to know them better by talking, listening, and being there with them

I also wanna add something I learned just recently: there’s a fallacy people have about stress, overhwlem, anxiety. Shame and guilt, too. They think because you feel it, that must mean there’s something wrong - that you're not coping well with something that should be easy.

That's actually wrong

Stress, overwhelm, and anxiety, as much as they can suck are your body's way of getting you ready

Ready for what? A situation you believe deep down to be dangerous, unsafe, or in some way uncomfortable. It's literally just giving you more energy and alertness, right - probably too much, but it's just your body's way of telling you it's ready to fight

And the cool part is, 1) those feelings can get easier to deal with - like WAY WAY easier (your quality of life will blow your mind!!), and 2) you don't need them to go away to perform through them. Two things can be and actually are true

That doesn't mean you need to feel guilt or shame about what you should or could be doing. It means things can get better. And you don't have to be without anxiety for them to get better

all in all I was dealing with anxiety from 14 to about 20 - 21ish. 6 or 7 years, really

I'd say things felt really hopeless at around year 5. But that's when I started step 1. So yes, that means I got better within the span or 1 or 2 years to the point that I felt better regularly. And kept getting even happier and better than that!

And I say that not to say you'll have the exact same timeline as me, but just to say I felt like because I'd felt like that for a long ass time, I could never get better. But I did! And significantly, within not that long of a timespan

TLDR

Figure out what you believe about yourself and the world in social situations. A good therapist can help you do this without crumbling into shame. You deserve help, especially when your social anxiety is bad

Exposure therapy. Find the right level of challenge, and put yourself in a babystep situation where you can focus on being kind to yourself and proving your beliefs wrong, bit by bit. A therapist or a good friend can help if you need to brainstorm what the right level is right now. Replace old beliefs with new, better beliefs that resonate if only because you want them to be true. Don't settle for a new belief that feels like bullshit to you. Find something that feels neutral or positive but still feels true

Once you've started to make progress, keep reinforcing that you're learning. That's a positive thing!! You're getting better and that's the truth you need to own! Keep putting yourself out there, learning more about what you're capable of, and making the kinds of connections you wanna make

Continue to be gentle with yourself. Your brain has old habits and they might show up sometimes, but you've learned how to reframe things.

Your steps might look different than mine, and it's okay if they do!! You'll find what works for you! You might be in that long stretch before things improve right now - and I want to say if you are, it's scientifically fact that our brains are shit at imagining a future that doesn't feel like the present. That's normal and okay!!!

You're gonna feel so much better than you do now. And you'll be so proud of yourself for coming so far. Social anxiety can be overcome, and you will in your own time, in your own ways.

#social anxiety #social anxiety disorder #mental health

[realhousewives-fan]

No Magic Mike for Sutton Stracke

I wasn’t looking forward to this episode and it was mostly due to this meltdown that made me to basically stop watching Real Housewives.

But my discomfort with this episode turned out to be something I didn’t expect.

I thought it was going to be all about Sutton Stracke, but it wasn’t. It was about how insensitive Dorit Kemsley was.

I honestly didn’t understand why Sutton reacted the way she did.

Why couldn’t she just admit being upset about not getting invited on the stage?!

And thank God she wasn’t invited on that stage...

I also understand why Kyle Richards grew tired of her behaviour.

She’s going through a lot, and she wanted to have fun in Las Vegas, and Sutton kind of ruined the night.

But seriously, isn’t some nonsensical drama the main ingredient when you’re out partying?

I think the way Dorit talked about Sutton and treated Garcelle Beauvais was far worse than Sutton’s strange behaviour.

The way Dorit dismissed Garcelle’s feelings was so infuriating. Talk about being selfish and self-centred.

Garcelle has every right to be uncomfortable while talking about her sons with this group.

Last season was a horrible season, where Erika Girardi had tried to seduce her eldest son and told the 14-year-old Jax to “get the fuck out”.

Kyle and Dorit were laughing about it with their husbands later, and it’s not something they can simply tell Garcelle to get over.

Jax was also attacked by bots on social media, so there’s that element as well.

No wonder Garcelle wants to protect her family, and some of the women needs to earn her trust again.

The trust is broken, and you can’t just answer: “it’s over a year ago, get over it” when you’re confronted with it.

It's the same as to claim that it’s over a year ago since the break-in robbery and she needs to get over it, as well. It’s insensitive and cruel.

The person who’s on her best behaviour so far on this trip is Erika, who has stayed true to her words about not fighting during Lent.

Who knew?

#Real Housewives of Beverly Hills #RHOBH #Sutton Stracke #Dorit Kemsley #Kyle Richards #Garcelle Beauvais #Erika Girardi

[verdantmeadows]

This is a very serious/heavy vent but I'm on mobile so I can't do read more, CW for suicidal ideation and accusations of sexual harassment

Okay so I go to a very alternative school, there's kids as young as like 7 and ones as old as 21. For those who don't know, a 14 year old, who was one of my friends before this, accused me of sexual harassment. This completely ruined my social life there and I faced a lot of bullying. I've had constant nightmares about it since then. But I've stayed strong and true to myself no matter what people think about me.

I decided I wanted to try joining sewing club, but they're a member of it. So now me joining is an issue going to administration and I don't even know why. I didn't do anything. If they're uncomfortable with me there, then that's their problem!!!! I was told I wasn't going to be punished at all for this situation, but the fact I have to wait for "approval" to join a club is punishment in itself.

Now that the issue is going to admin, I'm terrified. I'm terrified this issue is gonna be brought up again and I'll be punished this time. I don't want to have to go to court for libel just because my stupid ass decided he wanted to join sewing club when I knew this person was a member. I just wanted to let this stay dead and buried.

I don't want to be punished for something I didn't do. It was already enough being told I was disgusting and to kill myself by other students.

And the fear hasn't gone away that when I'm older, and I'm doing stuff in my career of choice, that they'll bring this up and say that I did these things to them, when I didn't. And people are going to believe them. Of course they are. Because they're way younger than me. And you're supposed to always believe the victims. No one is going to believe I didn't do those things.

I'm honestly at the point where I don't know if I'm just going through suicidal ideation or I want to make plans to kill myself. Before this, I already had awful intrusive thoughts that I was a pedophile and that my hypersexuality is making me be a creep without even knowing. And now that this happened, I feel like it came true. I feel constantly disgusted with myself. My intrusive fears of being a sexual predator and creep now feel like they were confirmed, even though logically I know I'm not.

I just don't know what to do. I just want to graduate school. I don't know why this had to happen. My last year of school like this was messed up because of this. I'm so scared. This could affect the rest of my life. It really could. I have to live in constant fear now that one day, they'll somehow bring this up on a larger scale, call me out publicly, especially when I'm working as an adult in my career of choice. And that everyone is going to think I'm those things and turn on me. This is a very real possibility and I'm terrified. I'm so scared.

I don't want that to happen. I can't ever achieve my dreams without the fear and very real possibility they'll say I did things I didn't and people are going to believe them. They already did. And when they accused me, they refused to show proof. To the point that my school administrators that talked with me about the situation don't even know what they accused me of specifically. Just that I was sexually harassing them. I was told that it had been verbally in like, around August, which doesn't even make sense, because I barely talked to them at all in August. Based on what I know, they were compelled to do this by other students as revenge for a falling out we had. I had also been distancing myself because I was no longer comfortable with being friends with someone that much younger than me, plus they were super toxic. They literally got jealous over me liking fictional characters. When one, they were fictional, and two, they're 14. The specifics don't even matter. Now I'm just ranting about them as a person. I'm failing several of my classes and have barely done any assignments and this is my last semester of school. I feel like there's no point to any of it.

I don't even know what the point of working towards my dreams and goals are if this could happen at any time. Everybody at my school already believed them about what happened. I feel disgusting and I honestly don't know if it's just feeling at this point. I feel like I deserve to die. I don't know what to do. I don't know how much longer I can be strong. I've had great support from friends and family, but I don't know what else to do. I'm so scared.

#book of kells #suicidal ideation cw #vent cw

[shopcat]

i have an important question what media like music movies tv shows etc do you think steve robin nd eddie would b obsessed with if they got to be young in current times instead of the 80s. bc like i just Know steve would adore buffy the vampire slayer for example like i cant explain it but i Feel it

HM i think robin would like the same sort of like cool indiegirl movies she already watches like going to every single new a24 movie but they strike me as the types to find something even if it's objectively insane or not their usual kind of thing and become Obsessed with it like they would be such big brother heads to me... and like love island and all that. and survivor. steve would also watch like adam sandler and all adjacent movies he would call him adam like they're on a first name basis. robin can we please watch adam. that so fucking funny to think of god. also i think it's funny when ppl think of eddie as a potential "UGH name every SONG that's not music this is" type when ROBIN would be the most annoying person possibly on earth by virtue of all small town gay people are until she like relaxes (source: me)

i ALSO think if robin and eddie had met in school they would have realised they're both obsessed with the same kind of shitty supernatural teen shows when they were like 14 like the vampire diaries and teen wolf and shit they were 2 ships passing in the night destined to get in trouble for talking in class about why derek would even DO THAT! GOD! and YES steve also likes buffy. robin and steve watch the x files but they both secretly find it scary. robin and eddie were hardcore warrior cats percy jackson kids this one is just so true. and as for MUSIC i literally have a playlist of what steve would listen to if he was our age and it is almost exclusively like brittany spears madonna miley cyrus y2k though i do think unfortch he is the most likely to be a swiftie. robin would find like hyperpop annoying eddie would love it but would hate like 99% of pop punk. oh steve would love the disney channel even as an adult a portion of his paycheck goes to paying for it hes like these kids are just like me :) Hey Jessie :) i can picture him so clearly just laying on his couch watching sonny with a chance after a hard day of being a 20 year old employed boy..

OH i think robin would like a lot of anime and eddie who had 0 access to the internet as a kid thinks all anime is like pokémon and he's seen like 4 episodes of naruto cuz those were what were on tv so he thinks he knows everything that happens and somehow he is always sort of right and they would argue about it for 5 hours. robin would have been a one direction stan and her favourite was niall. they have a pictureboard of which celebrities they think are secretly gay or bisexual and andrew garfield has been on there ever since they watched the social network. eddie would not watch rocky horror TO ME or just bc the word reminds me any horror but he would watch like every ghost hunting show ever like unsolved and ghost files and all that also all those bigfoot alien documentaries (but not like conspiracy theories!!!) and when the upside down stuff happens he's like GOD this is just like what happened to zack. he would like comedy horror but he scared of proper horror ROBIN would watch like blair witch to calm down from a hard day.

#asks #sts #tis is so vague i can never think of specific titles or anything ugh #🍦

[eddies-tele]

Vent: the sequel (maybe 18+? Dunno)

So in my last vent post (below), you guys gave me good advice, and I ask for some again.

Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with my boyfriend?

So, we got together in January of this year (2023), and our relationship was / is pretty good. Well, shortly after we got together, he came down with the virus (yk which one) and it took a lot out of him. Like, a lot. He'd sleep frequently because he was so drained from it. He eventually recovered and fought it off, hasn't had it since.

Flash forward to now, almost a year later. Yesterday I'd texted him a couple times and he didn't respond. This I'm used to, because he usually doesn't get up until early afternoon. Well it soon was 7 o clock in the evening, and he hadn't said anything. So like any girlfriend does, I panic and texted his mom to make sure he was ok.

She said he'd been asleep since she'd gotten home and such, and that he'd taken sleeping pills to sleep. He finally texted me for the first time yesterday at 7:30 - ish. The thing is, I get that sleep is extremely important. But when he's been asleep for the majority of the day, it frustrates me.

Now I know people have other priorities in life, and I'm ok if I'm not always his number one. But, today, when I was scrolling good ol' Pinterest, I came across a screenshot of a post on here talking about normal relationships, and what they basically aren't.

One of the points they made was that it's not really normal for your partner to state that ur hobbies / interests are a waste of time or basically inferior. Everyone on here knows that I love, love, love bands. Most of those bands being Weezer, Green Day, Nirvana, and... Foo Fighters. I'm autistic, so naturally, I will talk about my hyperfixations and special interests a lot, which in this case is mostly foo fighters.

I really love music in general too, and that includes playing bass. Well, the one time over dinner a couple weeks ago, he confessed that at one point he didn't even want to remotely listen to the foos / Nirvana because I talked about them too often. And that kinda hurt, honestly. Another time, he was basically like "Would you stop talking about them??"

He doesn't seem to really acknowledge the fact that, yes, I love these things, and no, I don't know how to socialize about anything else. Ironically, I said at the exact same dinner that it's often hard for me to socialize / make connections because there was a point in my life --- when I was 14 years old --- where I was basically a fucking hermit. Didn't want to leave the house to eat, shop, or anything. I recall that as the darkest period of my 20 years on this earth, and I'm still recovering from it today, years later.

And he just laughed and said something along the lines of "Yeah no wonder you talk about the same stuff over and over again." And that hurt, too. He's also autistic and doesn't really have a filter, either, so he just straight up says things with little to no regard of the effect it may have on people.

He sends me stuff from Twitter that is sometimes funny and oftentimes...not so much. Like homophobic / misogynistic jokes or things of that like. I've told him in the past that I don't find those funny, and they honestly make me uncomfortable, and he just brushed it off.

Back to the sleeping issue, his mom and I are of course very concerned for him. But he just brushes it off like it's no big deal. But it is. To me, at least. Because sometimes, when he sleeps that long or has no real emotional response to things, I feel like I'm literally dating a rock. And there's also times where I feel it's just my body he likes.

He's said in the past when we had that rough patch in our relationship that he likes me as a person and not just for my body, but with each passing day, that's just not true to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dude with a big heart, but I honestly don't think we're cut out for each other romantically.

Granted, I was the one who started the whole flirting shit (around this time last year), and I was the one who asked if we're dating or not. I love him, and I really don't want to give him up, but a large chunk of me is telling me to. I know some autistics struggle to display certain emotions over others, including he himself, but it's getting hard for me.

Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with him?

[smokedanced]

@collidingxworlds said: 8, 18, 28 (mun talks about a munday topic)

send a number for me to talk about one of the following topics    /    ACCEPTING ↷

reblog karma :: I prefer if people reblog from the source regardless of if they send me a meme or not (unless maybe ooc memes because it’s fun to send some back if they sent me some and reblogged from me and I notice that), but I’m not that bothered about it if people reblog from me and don’t send stuff, unless it’s non-mutuals/happens all the time excessively. I definitely prefer people to not send something out of obligation. I’ve seen folks talk about how they "know" people reblogged because they saw the meme "on their blog" even if they reblogged from the source and I think that’s... way too far, like, so what if they saw it from you and sent nothing if they reblogged from source/a meme blog? I understand wanting mutuals to interact with you and I agree that everyone would do well with making a little bit more effort to engage with their mutuals (liking gifsets and such is such a low effort way of signaling you value someone on your dash for example if you don’t have it in you to interact ic or talk), I don’t understand why anyone would want to be sent memes the other mun had no true interest in. I think everyone is entitled to their own rules with this, and I reblog from source on default, if available, unless I know the other mun prefers I reblog from them instead.

shipping :: Taking this to refer to romantic/sexual shipping. I love to ship! I hate that even I feel the need to say that "I am not here for ships only", as if simply saying I love shipping meant that that’s all I want from roleplay... I think the rpc as a whole should keep trying to unlearn any shame related to shipping, and I think that shame comes from misogyny. Romance in fiction is often both marketed towards women, and we automatically view romcoms, harlequin novels, etc. as "lesser" than, not real art/literature, shallow (which... there’s nothing wrong with something just being lighthearted entertainment, it doesn’t decrease the value of the work)... It’s not a coincidence the things commonly associated with "types of fiction women engage with" are seen as less valuable. It’s probably the source of the subtle feeling of "writing platonic dynamics is superior" in the rpc. It’s more internalised (you don’t have to be a woman to have internalised misogyny - I am not a woman and I’ve noticed these types of shame in myself) than anyone actually saying that about what other people write. My saying "I want to ship but I’m not here for only that" comes from shame related to internalised misogyny, just the feeling of needing to defend shipping by signaling that it’s not all you write is likely related to internalised misogyny. Being more nervous about asking if the other mun is interested in shipping than if they’re interested in a friendship interaction is likely related to internalised misogyny... Again: because romance as a genre is associated with being "for women", and systemic misogyny. Why else would it feel more shameful to suggest writing with another mun? Why should it?

Bet you all didn’t expect a social commentary on misogyny’s effect on fiction-

I love shipping, and I wish I were more bold in daring to suggest shipping. I think force shipping and not taking a no for an answer is a much, much smaller scale issue in the rpc than the shame related to wanting to ship. Like, on an individual level the former is a worse thing, but I don’t think it’s as prevalent as the internalised shame about ships.

your first muse :: Off tumblr? That goes so far back no one needs to see that; I don’t remember who exactly was my first private muse but I was about 14 years old and in many RPF fandoms so...

On tumblr, it was actually Iris, whom I write on this blog now; my first rp blog here was for her. Her character begun with an idea to make a Doctor Who OC who was manipulated into trying to assassinate the Doctor (which still remains a potential verse; wink wonk folks). This was in 2013. I’d link to her muse page but I desperately want to rewrite/move it before advertising her lollll.

#collidingxworlds #thanks for asking!! #; outofsmoke

[recreancyrpg]

WELCOME TO RECREANCY, Beth!

You have been accepted for the role of FRANK LONGBOTTOM, with the FC change of Harry Shum Jr!

He doesn’t like to let people down in any capacity. Frank wears other people’s expectations like a particularly heavy fur coat, even if his shoulders stay stiff-straight. Frank knows what a Longbottom should be, what an auror should be, what a senior member of the Order should be (and when the hell did he get old enough to be one of those?). Frank would like to pretend he doesn’t care about the opinions of others, and while that’s true on a personal level, on the whole, he can’t.

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Beth (She/Her)

AGE: 26

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I teach, so my summer commitments are fairly flexible. At least through the beginning of the school year, I predict I’ll continue to be on at the same rate (minus my surgery hiatus coming up). Once we get to mid-August, I’m not certain. It might drop down to 1-2 times, depending on the week and additional responsibilities I am taking on next year.

ANYTHING ELSE: Not at this time

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Frank Octavius Longbottom

AGE: 29 (July 14, 1955) – And his approaching thirtieth birthday feels like a ticking time bomb

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY:

Frank always thought it was a little weird that he liked girls but could play along enough at just focusing on the boys when they were nice enough to look at. That was before realizing at thirteen he was not a girl and coming out at fourteen to his mother. Augusta actually took it remarkably well, and Frank was immediately put on Attisgalli Corrective Draught and saddled with the pressures of a male heir.

Because of his relatively late realization for the magical world, Frank was still on the children’s dose when he started at the Ministry and didn’t start taking the adult dose for another two years. It was a source of embarrassment for him, and he occasionally overcompensates as a result, although that happens less often now than it did in the early years.

More recently, though, Frank has started to have shadows of doubt related to his gender. It was very easy to realize he wasn’t a girl, but now that he fits the bill of a pureblood man, Frank is less sure he’s really that either. It isn’t something he’s put into words and might be something he continues to deny, but Frank would probably more comfortably fit somewhere between those two expected gender presentations.

But the basic answer—and the one he’d give if pressed—is mostly straight man. If both the “mostly straight” and “man” parts aren’t actually correct, well, that’s Frank’s business.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: I’m requesting a switch to Harry Shum Jr. for the reasons we’d discussed. I think he’ll fit my version of the character and vibes better.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

If someone enters the auror office and is told to talk to “that quiet fellow over there,” there’s a good chance they’re being sent to Frank. Frank would consider himself nice. Not the most social but personable. He’d rather go into a situation assuming good intention and trying to de-escalate than risk it all wand already firing. But that’s not really what an auror is, is it? His strategies are good for auror stealth missions but not much else. Frank’s not a doormat, though. Some might seem him as one because he tends to agree and go along, but the moment Frank is pushed too hard, he’ll dig in his heals and become a problem. He can be loud when he wants to. He can be aggressive, or at least play at it. (Moving into the boys dorm in fourth year will give a person some coping mechanisms.) Frank doesn’t like confrontation if he can help it, but he’s in a career full of it and able to respond accordingly. The flip side, though, is that it exhausts him. He’d like nothing more than to go home after a hard day at work and curl up next to Alice listening to a radio show. They’re both far too committed for that, though, and Frank will push himself until he can’t for the sake of an Order mission going well.

He doesn’t like to let people down in any capacity. Frank wears other people’s expectations like a particularly heavy fur coat, even if his shoulders stay stiff-straight. Frank knows what a Longbottom should be, what an auror should be, what a senior member of the Order should be (and when the hell did he get old enough to be one of those?). Frank would like to pretend he doesn’t care about the opinions of others, and while that’s true on a personal level, on the whole, he can’t.

He also can’t shake the feeling that there’s something missing in his life. Frank chalks it up to the lack of children in his life. He loves playing uncle to those around him, and never gives up an opportunity to spend time with children. But that’s not the same as having his own. He knows that Alice thinks it’s all about carrying on the family line. Maybe that’s a tiny piece of it, but Frank wants to be a dad. He wants to be a dad so badly. Frank knows that won’t solve everything. He knows it’ll be more complication in their life. But if it’s selfish to want a family to put his heart into, fine, Frank will be selfish.

 BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

Augusta Fawley and Kendrick Longbottom were not necessarily a love match, though they were fond of each other. They had a child within two years of their marriage, and secretly Augusta began to dream of a large family, preferably full of several boys to carry on the family name she’d proudly married into. When two years after that Kendrick died from a dueling hex gone wrong, Augusta privately buried those dreams alongside her husband. It was another twelve before Augusta would realize they did in fact have an heir and opportunity to continue the family bloodline. Frank had been learning the demure manners expected of a pureblood witch, and while they’d become a little rusty in a house like Gryffindor that cared little for decorum, he happily slipped them off to try on the mantle his mother wanted. He tried out for the Quidditch team, even though he wasn’t very good, and he tried to charm influential pureblood girls, even though they’d seen him as one of them not long ago. He did make prefect his fifth year, but after that, Frank started performing a little less. He’s still very the dutiful son and chose a career that would fit that. Frank knows his mother is proud of him for it and tolerant of Alice, but Frank has reached a point where he cares much more about his people than his persona. But he can’t let it go completely. Without it, who is he? Frank’s masculinity and aspirations was molded by Augusta’s ambitions for him from the very beginning. Without that, Frank doesn’t know who he would be.

Frank is just blessed to have grown up hearing that halfbloods and muggleborns are perfectly acceptable witches and wizards, even if marrying one was always highly discouraged. Although he didn’t—and still doesn’t necessarily—know very much about muggle culture, he has a certain respect for it and his friends who come from it. He definitely has some gaps and prejudices because of that upbringing, though. Often he hasn’t sought to fill or correct them unless absolutely necessarily. He can blend in well enough walking through Muggle London. He recognizes the names of a few of Hestia’s muggle musicians. But for the most part, if Frank doesn’t know, he’s content to not find out. He also struggles with some of the typical prejudices against non-human magic users. He wants to give them the benefit of the doubt, but they can’t help what they are. Frank doesn’t know how much trust on the matter he can truly give.

Technically Frank still lives in a pureblood household, although it often doesn’t feel like it. He and Alice have each other. Frank tries to tell himself that’s enough, but he’s always wanted a family. He’s always wanted kids running around. Nights up late with crying infants and afternoons in the park with toddlers. He wants to owl his kids at Hogwarts to hear how classes are going. He wants to host their friends in the summers. He wants a family of his own, one with Alice. Since he was sixteen and first developing a crush on her, Frank had imagined what life with her could be like. When they really truly got together as adults and Auror partners, it felt like those ideas Frank had dreamed up might come true. Sure, they had to put work first, but in a couple years, they could start a family. Then they got involved in the Order, and it became a couple more years. Now he’s staring down thirty and feeling like they’ve grown farther apart in the last eight years of marriage. After over a decade together, this should be easy. They would be on the same page. Now Frank is starting to worry they never were.

OCCUPATION:

Frank became an auror because it seemed like a prestigious thing to do that would make his mother happy. He can’t complain when it gave him Alice, but lately it just feels like it takes and takes, most of all her. Frank is starting to worry he’s wasted the last twelve years of his life on a career he wasn’t cut out for. The higher-ups certainly seem to think so. If it wasn’t for Alice, Frank doesn’t know if he’d have made it this long.

LIVING SITUATION:

Frank and Alice share a decent-sized flat in London. His mother was a little passive aggressive about them not moving into the family home, but Frank hopes she understands that he needed his space. They both did. Now, though… Their apartment isn’t large, but it feels like nothing but space anymore. And while having a house elf felt like a blessing when they first got their own place together, now it means that Frank can’t even putter around the house and clean to clear his mind.

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:

Frank is used to blending into the background and being easily overlooked, but perhaps he should give Dumbledore and Moody some credit. How were they to know he’d been tasked with organizing the supply closet and that someone else had mostly shut the door to get it out of the way. “Shouldn’t be doing this here… Order needs to stay a secret.” “It’s too urgent to wait. The Death Eaters…” Frank had stayed still and merely listened then. He sat with the information for a couple days before plucking up the courage to corner Moody and demand (at least as firmly as Frank knew how) to join. He’d agonized over whether to tell Alice, but ultimately hadn’t. He’d known she would throw herself into it if she agreed, but Frank wasn’t sure how far she was willing to fly from her family. Was she willing to potentially fight them? Frank didn’t think either of his brothers-in-law were Death Eaters, but one could never be too sure these days. And he'd heard the comments they made about muggleborns, about the singular side use of muggleborn witches in particular. It had turned Frank’s stomach, but of course he hadn’t told Alice. Even when she asked and finally pushed the conversation, even when she’d yelled at him for hiding, even when she’d denied her family’s sentiments, even when she barred him from the bedroom and he’d taken the couch because he wasn’t sure he deserved the guest room that night… Even then, Frank hadn’t told her. He never has. The resulting falling out Alice had with her family is bad enough. Frank knows it would break her heart to realize just what kind of men her brothers have grown to be.

Alice jumped into the Order with even more fervor than Frank had anticipated, and she quickly outranked him both at work and in their organization. It didn’t actually bother Frank, although imagining what others must think did. He loves Alice and is so proud of her growth, but some days Frank looks around and wonders how he got so stuck in the middle. The Order leadership trusts him enough to run missions but not enough to truly make him a decision maker, not like Alice. Maybe their opinions would be considered too biased, too similar, but Frank doesn’t think he'd always side with his wife. Frankly he doesn’t support every choice he knows she’s made, although he’d never tell her that.

In many ways, Frank is a soldier, and as he understands it, soldiers follow orders. He’s not afraid to speak up when he seriously disagrees, but mostly it feels like he’s just here to be told what to do. Frank still very much cares about the cause, but it’s gone on long enough that it’s started to feel as bureaucratic and ridiculous as the Ministry. That’s not surprising when they have Ministry people making the plans. He’s starting to get burnt out. Or maybe he already is and not ready to admit it. Between work and the Order, Frank is exhausted most days, and he occasionally worries if that’s making him reckless. His heart’s still in it, but perhaps that’s the only thing anymore.

 RELATIONSHIPS:

Frank is feeling the strain all around. Some of his coworkers are also here in the Order, and that makes things harder in both realms. Frank also looks around and sees all these kids and still doesn’t know how to feel about it. Many have proved themselves, but it’s still hard to watch them jump in even younger than he had and start to give their whole lives to it like he has. He wants to warn them but has no idea how. How do you tell someone who think they’re throwing their life away to a cause you’re both committed to? Frank hasn’t figured out the answer.

Alice Longbottom: What is there to say about Alice? She’s his everything. She’s been his everything. She’s also perhaps the biggest frustration in his life.

Frank first started crushing on Alice when they were sixth years, but although they made out a couple times at parties, they didn’t actually get together then. He knows most people think they were Hogwarts sweethearts, but they weren’t. Frank had put away that thought, decided he would move on after graduation, and then ended up partnered with her in auror training. They became friends closer than ever before and then something more. His dreams were coming true. When they got married, though, Frank was worried about the world, and it was shortly after their honeymoon that he’d heard about the Order and ended up in it. Then Alice had joined too. They spent all their time together, then even though they were involved in the same work and extracurricular, they began to be split now. They went from all time together to now feeling like no time together.

Plus, Alice doesn’t seem to get why Frank wants to start a family so badly. He understands her concerns, but if not now, when? They’re in the middle of a war, and while Alice thinks that’s a reason again, Frank considers it a reason to start one. They have no idea what’s ahead, and they should savor the time they have. Plus, while Alice has always said they should wait until the war was over, Frank is starting to think it never will be. This conflict truly started long before them, and the Death Eaters have only brought it to the surface. Sometimes Frank worries that Alice doesn’t actually want a family, that she thought it sounded good once but has changed her mind. Frank desperately wants a child. He wants that purpose in his life. He needs that, and Alice doesn’t seem to understand. She never wants to talk about it because the conversation never changes, but as far as Frank can see, the conversation has always been one-sided. If she won’t listen to him, how can they call it a conversation?

Despite that friction, Frank loves her as fiercely as the day they got married. He misses her. He just wants his life to feel like his. He just wants his wife back, not the Order leader who never sees him as a priority.

Ted Tonks: Frank and Ted went to school together, and although they knew each other in their early years, they truly became friends as prefects. They often patrolled together. They had a lot of humor in common. They figured out what kissing boys was like together. Frank considered Ted his best friend and still does, if Alice is disqualified. (Well, on a friend level, perhaps Ted has her beat these days.) Frank often looked up to Ted, and he also can’t help being jealous of his friend’s perfect life, complete with the family Frank’s always wanted. It does mean that Frank’s always had access to a pseudo-niece to spoil, but watching Dora grow up hurt more than Frank ever wants to admit.

Peter Pettigrew: While Peter and his friends are starting to grow up, they’re part of that first set of kids Frank had to come to terms with. Frank always worried about each of them taking risks and making choices that would get themselves hurt. Out of the set, Peter seemed to have the most potential, and Frank’s watched with pride as he’s blossomed over the past year. It happened in tragedy, but now that James is back and still looking a bit rough, Frank hopes Peter can steer the whole group in a positive direction. Frank is happy to help him with guidance where he can, but if Peter is pointed toward leadership, Frank might not be the person to ask. And guidance with friends? Well, Frank will do his best, but he can’t pretend to be an expert in how to deal with stress in interpersonal relationships.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: Obviously Fralice is a strong goal here, but I am equally committed to them fixing things or falling apart. Chemistry remains #1 for both the positive and the stressful!

INTERPERSONAL STRUGGLES: 

Frank considers himself a likeable person who tries not to start fights or create problems for the people around him. That said, he isn’t going to stand aside if he thinks someone is doing something stupid that will get themselves or someone else hurt. He’s bitten his tongue a lot when it comes to the younger ones lately, but in the past few months, he’s lost that ability. Benjy is dead because of young people rushing into things. Maybe Frank isn’t that much older than them, but he’s old enough to think. Apparently that’s rare around here. Frank is starting to fray, starting to snap back more when confronted with something stupid. He’s trying to still be that guy who could keep a team on even ground, but his patience is thinning. Some of them don’t seem to want to learn, and some of the people in charge are too willing to believe they’ve already learned it. Frank knows he can’t rock the boat on the subject, but he’s really starting to want to.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 

Fralice falling apart? Jk jk. The hopeless romantic in me wants them to figure out their issues. Overall, I think it’s the age and perspective Frank brings compared to my other characters. While’s only a little bit older than Gwen, she’s still hopeful about the Order while Frank’s kind of over it. He in a weird place where it’s just dragged on long enough that he’s losing steam. It seems like all his goal in life are slipping away with hope of winning and his marriage. There is a crossroads coming for him, possibly several. I can’t wait to play them out.

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): Various shoes in his life dropping

ANYTHING ELSE? Is it an app from me without a playlist? I think not.

#recreancyaccepted #frank longbottom app