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ladylilithprime · 3 years

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1. You get a craving for whatever your soulmate is eating at the time. - The Winter Soldier freaks the heck out when he starts craving human milk. (Because his soulmate is a newborn baby.)

HIS ENTIRE LIFE that he could remember, James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes had never had a craving that wasn't originally his. His mother had always looked wistful at the scent of coffee, explaining the only time he'd ever asked that she had craved it relentlessly whenever his father drank it while she was pregnant with Bucky and his sisters. Rebecca complained about wanting to eat ham and spicy peppers even though she hated spicy foods, and Rosalie would drag him off to the butcher to pick up sausages whenever they could afford the expense. Even Steve confessed to having a weird urge to eat steak and kidney pie for breakfast, and years later when a much bigger and stronger Steve shyly introduced his best friend to Peggy Carter he could only laugh that it finally made perfect sense.

But Bucky never got a single craving that wasn't his, and so his likes and dislikes were formed all on his own without any input from a phantom soul connection. Becca, staring down a bowl of chicken soup that "didn't taste quite right, even without the peppers", told him he was lucky. Falling from a train over Germany, Bucky couldn't help thinking that his soulmate - if he even had one - was the lucky one.

And then he was dragged from the ravine, alive and missing an arm, and thrown into hell, and he eventually forgot why it mattered that he never craved anything new.

Eventually, he forgot everything else.

THE ASSET FROWNED in confusion, distracted from the instructions being relayed by the Handler. The sensation was strange, similar to hunger, but seemed to come from outside the designated physical parameters. If the Asset had to guess, it was as if there was a second mouth and stomach sending feedback, an impression of liquid that had a taste and texture that was wholly unfamiliar, but might be classed as... sweet... and smooth... and thicker than the familiar water.

"Asset!"

The Asset snapped back to attention. "Sir."

"Your attention drifted from the briefing," the Handler said, tone displeased. "Explain."

The Asset hesitated in confusion, struggling to parse how to obey when the explanation was so nonsensical. "There was a... sensation. Hunger."

"Your nutritional requirements have already been met," the Handler snapped, frowning more severely.

"Yes, sir." The Asset knew that, and the knowledge only enhanced the confusion. There should be no sense of hunger to distract from the mission briefing, and yet there had been the sense of hunger, the... desire... for-- "Milk."

"Milk?" the Handler repeated, bafflement suffusing the displeased frown. "The approved nutrient sources don't include--" The Handler broke off, bafflement shifting into horror. "Asset. The fox dances in grandmother's new shoes."

The Asset froze, every muscle rigid and locked, all focus directed to the Handler.

"Ignore any and all sensory input related to unapproved nutrient sources. Acknowledge."

"Acknowledged. The Asset will comply."

THE ASSET TRIED to comply, but sometimes the foreign desires were so strong that the distraction presented by those sudden bursts if extraneous sensory input had the Handlers sending the Asset to the Chair for recalibration. The pain of the Chair and the blankness that followed blocked out the sensations for a time, but always by the end of the mission the distraction would have renewed. Once, only once, the Asset gave in and stole a small dark blue fruit that smelled like the extraneous sensory input being received and ate it, only to spit it back out at the immediacy of the flavor, sharp and sweet and tart and heavy and not at all pleasant. It became easier to ignore that particular extraneous desire despite how often the input presented itself.

It was more difficult to ignore other extraneous sensations, such as the taste of grain and burning and smoke and wood that felt both strange and familiar, similar to the vodka that the Handlers sometimes drank in the burn, but more smooth and earthy. The musty, tart and sour taste that accompanied a thick texture and the impression of skin was even more confusingly familiar, but as the Asset had been Commanded to ignore the extraneous sensory input and none of the Handlers ever requested a report on whether or not the sensations persisted beyond the Command, the Asset was given no information as to what these tastes and textures might actually be. Coffee, at least, was an extraneous sensory input that was on the approved nutrient sources list, although the Asset had no recollection of when it had been added or why it had been allowed when it seemed to be of little actual nutritional value and seemed to be more about allowing the Asset to blend into the general population on missions than maintaining physical status at mission-ready levels.

The problem, at least according to the Handler who reported on the Asset to the Director, was that the extraneous sensory input was interrupting the priority compliance command, requiring more frequent recalibrations the longer the Asset was active. The time between revival periods began to lengthen, as marked by the signs of age in the Director and the rotation of Handlers.

And then the Asset was given an assassination mission that was interrupted during the retreat by a blonde man with angry blue eyes who looked so strangely familiar and said the word "Bucky" when the muzzle fell away.

Who the hell is Bucky?

"Wipe him. Start over."

...Him?

The pain and the blankness was a relief, a blanket to smother the confusion of sensory input and sharpen the Asset's focus, but it could not make the Asset forget... the Director had said "him". Like the Asset was a person.

The Asset had been a person.

The Mission Target had known the Asset... had known the person who had been before he became the Asset.

There was a Before.

"'Til the end of the line."

The Target-- the Captain was pulled from the water by the Asset who might once have been called "Bucky", left on the bank to be discovered, and the Asset disappeared.

He had a strong desire for a drink of earthy vodka-- whiskey, and for once he saw no reason to ignore it.

JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES no longer felt like "Bucky", but since he had decided to reject identifying as the Asset ever again - violently, if what he had ended up doing to Vasily Karpov when the man had tried to activate the failsafe compliance trigger was any indication - he was willing to allow the address (nickname) from the Captain whom he had once called "Stevie". He told the man with the wings - Wilson - to call him "James", and even though it made the Captain frown both he and Wilson accepted that the name James was less conspicuous to be called in public than a nickname listed in museums and history books.

"Besides," he told the Cap-- Steve when it looked like the blonde would start again with some bit of past knowledge that James was more and more convinced was subjective recollection rather than actual knowledge, "ain't hardly anyone left alive 'cept you who knew me as 'Bucky' anymore. So you get to keep callin' me that, but hell if anyone else is gonna get the privilege!"

Unsurprisingly, that made Steve stop trying to get other people to call him Bucky, which was really all James had wanted in the first place. Also unsurprisingly, it didn't stop Steve and Wilson from dragging him up to New York and Stark Tower in Manhattan when he admitted that the metal arm was operating below acceptable levels of function.

"You could just say it isn't working," Wilson grumbled.

"It's working fine," James disagreed, and proved it by extending a metal middle finger in Wilson's direction. "It's just slower than it should be, and I think I damaged something when I was digging out the trackers."

"You had trackers in your arm?!"

"Had. Don't have 'em now."

So to Stark Tower they went, because "if anyone can fix your arm, it's Tony", and to James's surprise they were let in through security almost before they'd finished saying who they were and sent to an elevator at the far end of the lobby.

"Welcome back, Captain Rogers," a voice intoned from the speaker near the ceiling as the elevator began moving without any of them pushing a button. "And welcome to Stark Tower, Mr Wilson, Sergeant Barnes."

"That's JARVIS," Steve explained as Wilson looked up, clearly impressed. "He's an AI - a really smart computer program - that runs the tower."

"...Just James, please, JARVIS," James said after a moment, deciding not to touch on the fact that he knew what an AI was and that JARVIS was one; his memories were coming back all the time, and mission details as the Winter Soldier were coming back most easily. Pushing aside those thoughts, he added, "Dunno what my status with the Army is these days, but I can't imagine I still have my old rank from the War."

"As you prefer, James," JARVIS said, and James marvelled at the warmth he could hear in the voice, much more human than even Zola's personality algorithm had been. "Sir is expecting you all in the main living room of the common floor."

James tuned out Wilson starting to ask questions and Steve or JARVIS answering them. The sensation of craving that awful little blue fruit was back again, and he had to fight the urge to scowl so as not to alarm the two men or the AI watching them. Seriously, if he ever managed to find his soulmate now that he knew he had one, they were going to have words about it at some point. He thought he could remember something about someone he had known - a family member? - who had craved spicy food while hating spices, and he hoped they had gotten that resolved because craving something he hated tasting was really annoying.

The elevator doors slid open, allowing James and Wilson to follow Steve into a huge, open plan living room with four black leather couches spaced around a square coffee table. The man waiting for them, dressed in a charcoal gray bespoke suit with a royal purple button down shirt and lavender silk tie and pocket square, was sitting perched on the coffee table rather than on any of the couches and appeared to have his attention focused on the tablet in his hand until he spoke, addressing James directly despite not looking up.

"That arm's a complete mess, Barnes," he said, not bothering with pleasantries or even really acknowledging Steve or Wilson. "JARVIS took scans in the elevator since you were coming to see me about it, and I gotta tell you I am thoroughly offended by it on so many levels."

"Not like HYDRA could recruit you at all, so they had to make do with third-best," James said easily as he shrugged his flesh shoulder, metal elbow jabbing into Steve's ribs when the frowning blonde opened his mouth. "A'course, since they upped your threat level to 'do not engage', I think they stopped trying."

"Nobody ever calls me, even when they really, really should," Stark agreed, and oh, that was a sharp little smile directed at Steve. James mentally ran through the file HYDRA had on Tony Stark coupled with his own private observations that had somehow not always made it into his reports, and gave Steve's weirdly guilty yet mulish expression a sideways look. Suddenly, the fight over the Potomac that had led to James breaking conditioning completely was being thrown in a new light, and he wasn't sure he liked the implications.

"There wasn't time to call you," Steve was saying, and it was clear that Wilson was hearing the words as an apology but Stark's eyes were sharp and narrow and James would bet the contents of his pockets and all seven of his secret weapons caches that the man knew as well as James that Steve was lying.

"Sure, whatever," Stark said dismissively, letting it go at least for the moment and turning his attention back primarily to James. "Point is, I've got a meeting I need to be at in twenty minutes and even a basic maintenance session's gonna take at least an hour, maybe two, so you can either hang out here in a guest room or something until... J?"

"You will be finished with the shareholders in time for dinner and have no pressing appointments afterwards until tomorrow morning, Sir," JARVIS answered.

"So, yeah, hang out here and I can squeeze you in after we eat," Stark said, making James blink at the implication that an invitation to have dinner with Stark was being extended, "or you can ask J to block out a few hours in my schedule that'll be all yours and come back then. Or both, if you wanna go ahead and get me out of a few more meetings this week."

"What's for dinner?" Wilson asked. James shot him an incredulous look, which Wilson returned with an even stare. "You're still working your way back towards eating real food, man, don't think we didn't notice. Last thing you need right now is to make yourself sick eating something your body's not ready to handle even if it'll probably taste a hell of a lot better than those ration packs of yours."

"Bruce is cooking tonight," Stark said after a moment, an odd expression on his face as he looked at the group. "He usually makes curry, but I think he said he was making some kind of beef and vegetable stew that Natasha likes."

"Stew is fine," James said, keeping his tone even despite the sudden twist of nerves at the mention of the Black Widow. She had been with Steve and Wilson in DC, but had been absent when they crossed paths in Indiana. "If you're sure Dr Banner won't mind making extra."

"Yeah, it's fine, stew's easy to expand the number of servings," Stark assured him with a wave of his hand that might have seemed flippant and dismissive if James hadn't been so aware of the heavy focus that was still being aimed his direction. "Might end up a little broth-heavy, but there should be enough that even a super soldier won't go hungry."

"Well, thank you for inviting us," Steve said, proving to James once again that the man really didn't know how to read Stark at all. Wilson at least was looking at Steve askance, having picked up that the invitation wasn't directed at all of them even if he didn't seem to realize how pissed off Stark was at Steve, but Steve was looking at Stark, all but daring the man to say they weren't welcome.

"Saves the trouble of tracking you down later, I'm sure," Stark said, neatly bypassing the entire question. He stood up and tucked the tablet away inside his suit jacket, pulling a white plastic bag out in its place and reaching inside of it. "So, I'll be off to deal with the shareholders while you hang out here. JARVIS can handle any requests you might have for entertainment or whatever else you need."

JARVIS will be watching you, James heard loud and clear, and nodded his acceptance of the AI's monitoring. They were reluctant guests at best, after all, and Stark was clearly not interested in rocking the boat or starting a fight if he didn't have to--

The sudden burst of that blue fruit craving drove all thought of Steve and Stark's battle of wills out of his head and James found himself staring at Stark in shock as he watched the man lower his fingers from his mouth and chew. Stark noticed - of course he did, the man had to be at least as observant as James was - and raised an eyebrow, the hand holding the white plastic bag tilting to angle the bag's opening in James's direction.

"Blueberry?" his soulmate asked.

#soulmate au #winteriron #not age of ultron compliant #not civil war compliant #mcu fic #steve rogers critical

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delphinidin4 · 3 years

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“Abominable neglect and unkindness”: Fanny Price and Trauma

I have C-PTSD, and it’s really been on my mind as I’ve been rereading Mansfield Park by Jane Austen: her heroine of Fanny Price is so OBVIOUSLY traumatized that I started making notes upon notes upon notes in my kindle copy on her symptoms and their causes. A couple of my followers said they’d be interested to read my analysis if I wrote it up, and it doesn’t take much to encourage me to put a few thousand words on the page screen! So below is my (probably WAY too long) analysis of Fanny Price’s emotional trauma and complex PTSD (a form of PTSD often caused by long-term emotional abuse/neglect). It’s hella long. sorrynotsorry lol

*unleashes inner academic*

Part 1: How Fanny Price Was Traumatized

Trauma 1: She is taken from family and home.

Okay, imagine this: You’re ten years old. You grew up in a noisy, lower-middle-class family with multiple little siblings and both your parents. You are the oldest girl, and are important to all the members of your family because you act as “playfellow, instructress, and nurse” to your younger siblings. You are also “exceedingly timid and shy”. And suddenly you find out that your mother is SENDING YOU AWAY--far, far away--to aunts and uncle and cousins you’ve never met before, to be raised by THEM instead of your parents. Leaving everything else out of the equation for a second, that by itself would be ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. You would feel like your parents didn’t love you and didn’t want you. You weren’t important to them. You might wonder what you did wrong to be sent away. And THEN it turns out you’re NEVER COMING BACK. EVER. Fanny doesn’t see her family again until she is, I think nineteen years old. At first, she doesn’t even have the means to write to her brother William, which was to be her ONLY connection to her family: it seems her parents don’t write to her at all over the course of the novel.

All of this would be bad enough. But to come to a place that was entirely alien to everything you had known... I mean, think about it. This is Mansfield Park, an ENORMOUS house with MANY servants, a completely different way of doing things. There’s MONEY. Even the items around you are of a totally different quality than you’re used to: Austen says of Fanny’s initial impression of Mansfield, “The grandeur of the house astonished, but could not console her. The rooms were too large for her to move in with ease: whatever she touched she expected to injure, and she crept about in constant terror of something or other; often retreating towards her own chamber to cry.” The accent people speak with is probably different. The vocabulary is probably different. And everybody DEFINITELY thought she was under-educated (more about this in a bit) because she didn’t have the education of a gentleman’s daughter--because she ISN’T a gentleman’s daughter. It must have caused her intense culture shock.

Trauma 2: William’s absence

It’s clear that in her childhood in Portsmouth, William is the dearest member of Fanny’s family (see below for a discussion of her parents). When Fanny first arrives at Mansfield, Edmund discovers that,

dear as all these brothers and sisters generally were, there was one among them who ran more in her thoughts than the rest. It was William whom she talked of most, and wanted most to see. William, the eldest, a year older than herself, her constant companion and friend; her advocate with her mother (of whom he was the darling) in every distress. ‘William did not like she should come away; he had told her he should miss her very much indeed.’

Fanny’s one really warm and loving connection seems to be with William, and she is parted from him, first by her move to Mansfield, and then by his going to sea:

Once, and once only, in the course of many years, had she the happiness of being with William. Of the rest [of her Portsmouth family] she saw nothing: nobody seemed to think of her ever going amongst them again, even for a visit, nobody at home seemed to want her; but William determining, soon after her removal, to be a sailor, was invited to spend a week with his sister in Northamptonshire before he went to sea. Their eager affection in meeting, their exquisite delight in being together, their hours of happy mirth, and moments of serious conference, may be imagined; as well as ...the misery of the girl when he left her. Luckily the visit happened in the Christmas holidays, when she could directly look for comfort to her cousin Edmund.

Fanny continues a correspondence with William when he is at sea, but it’s clear that his long absence from her life is very difficult for her.

One final note on her being parted from her family for long intervals: I think we might actually see a sign of this trauma in an emotional flashback later in the book.

For those unfamiliar with complex PTSD, flashbacks don’t always mean that you have a sort of hallucination of a traumatic experience. In the case of complex PTSD and PTSD from early childhood trauma, flashbacks often occur in the form of “emotional flashbacks”: instead of re-experiencing the sensory input of the traumatic experience (seeing and hearing the experience all over again when triggered), emotional flashbacks consist ONLY of the emotional content of the trauma. They result in sudden rushes of negative emotions such as fear, shame, sorrow, despair, embarrassment, anger, etc. This may be partly because the trigger is acting on so many different traumatic memories at once (the brain can’t just pick out one to show to you) and partly because the traumatic memory being triggered is from so early in your childhood that you don’t have a direct memory of it anymore, just the trauma memory. Emotional flashbacks can be identified by comparing the emotional response to the stimulus: If the emotion is inappropriate for the situation or inappropriately intense, it may well be a flashback.

In this scene, Miss Crawford--whom Fanny does not care for at all--is taking her leave of Fanny: I find it to be illuminating.

And embracing her very affectionately, “Good, gentle Fanny! when I think of this being the last time of seeing you for I do not know how long, I feel it quite impossible to do anything but love you.”

Fanny was affected. She had not foreseen anything of this, and her feelings could seldom withstand the melancholy influence of the word “last.” She cried as if she had loved Miss Crawford more than she possibly could.

It sounds to me as if Fanny is having a negative reaction that is out of proportion for and inappropriate to the situation. Miss Crawford is leaving, and Fanny is GLAD that she is leaving. Nonetheless, she is involuntarily emotionally “affected” by Miss Crawford’s goodbye, and cries far more than is actually in keeping with her feelings. It seems like Fanny is triggered by the leave-taking and “the melancholy influence of the word ‘last’.” Fanny has had traumatic leave-takings from her family and her beloved William; and things like “This is the last time I’ll see you for who knows how long” must have been said to her before in intensely traumatic situations. So it’s no wonder she gets triggered by this situation’s similarity to those and has an out-sized emotional response. Separations from her family and from William were definitely traumatic to her and reminders of them now trigger trauma responses.

Trauma 3: Emotional neglect by parental figures

Fanny might not have been so badly traumatized by leaving her family and being separated from William if she had had emotional support from adult caregivers. Research has shown that if a child has even ONE adult to whom they can talk openly about their feelings, that can insulate them against the effects of trauma.

Fanny doesn’t have this. Both Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram are emotionally neglectful and distant.* Lady Bertram is pleasant, but is entirely self-centered and doesn’t really GAF about anybody or anything that doesn’t directly affect her. While she never abuses or hurts Fanny with unkindness, she also never comforts her, listens to her, or seems to do anything but get Fanny to fetch and carry for her and do half her sewing for her. There is a total lack of emotional connection between them until considerably later in the story.

[*Footnote: Miss Lee is surprisingly absent from the narrative and seems to be of no emotional support to Fanny whatsoever.]

Sir Thomas is worse. While he intends to take good care of Fanny--and to his credit, he does make sure she has her material needs met, is well educated, gets exercise, etc--he cannot be said to be NICE to her. Even when she first arrives, when he is trying his hardest to be kind, Austen says, “Sir Thomas, seeing how much she needed encouragement, tried to be all that was conciliating: but he had to work against a most untoward gravity of deportment.” He’s not good with kids, and he seems to be highly critical of Fanny, especially before his return from Antigua. Apparently he used to terrify her in childhood by catechizing her on her lessons in French in English, which implies he constantly found her wanting. His parting words to her on the beginning of his voyage to Antigua are downright scalding: “If William does come to Mansfield, I hope you may be able to convince him that the many years which have passed since you parted have not been spent on your side entirely without improvement; though, I fear, he must find his sister at sixteen in some respects too much like his sister at ten.”

JFC, Tommy-boy. Throttle back a little, can’t you?

He’s not popular even with his own daughters: Austen says of Maria and Julia, “Their father was no object of love to them; he had never seemed the friend of their pleasures, and his absence was unhappily most welcome. They were relieved by it from all restraint”. Sir Thomas comes across as a bit of a martinet, always finding fault and always saying no. At best, he doesn’t seem to be at all warm and encouraging, and appears to be almost entirely ignorant, not only of what Fanny’s character is like, but also about his own daughters’ characters.

There’s also the problem of his lack of understanding and compassion for Fanny. She describes him as “all that was clever and good,” but both his cleverness and goodness frequently seem to be lacking. He doesn’t understand Fanny’s feelings any more than he understands those of Maria, sending Edmund to sound Fanny out on the subject of Mr. Crawford because he CANNOT understand how a woman might not love a man that was clever, pleasant and rich. While he provided the money to raise Fanny, his disregard of her is clear when he sends her on a long visit to Portsmouth, where her health suffers. Even Crawford recognizes Sir Thomas’s likeliness to neglect her:

I know Mansfield, I know its way, I know its faults towards you. I know the danger of your being so far forgotten, as to have your comforts give way to the imaginary convenience of any single being in the family. I am aware that you may be left here week after week, if Sir Thomas cannot settle everything ... without involving the slightest alteration of the arrangements which he may have laid down for the next quarter of a year.

Sir Thomas, while priding himself (and being praised by others) as being so kind and clever, has low emotional intelligence and too little care for Fanny. Despite his occasional kindnesses, and her claim on his care as his direct dependent, she is not one of his priorities.

Of course, Fanny’s own parents would have had the strongest effects on her earliest years (especially considering the Prices didn’t seem to have a nanny or governess, so Mrs. Price would have been responsible for all her education, as well). It’s clear that Fanny’s mother didn’t show her much love in her early childhood: Mrs. Price is described as

“the ‘mama’ who had certainly shewn no remarkable fondness for her formerly; but this [Fanny] could easily suppose to have been her own fault or her own fancy. She had probably alienated love by the helplessness and fretfulness of a fearful temper, or been unreasonable in wanting a larger share than any one among so many could deserve.”

We can see Fanny here doing what so many emotionally neglected children do, making excuses for their parents and assuming that the emotional neglect and abuse they suffer are somehow THEIR fault. Many emotionally abused or neglected children believe that they’re too loud, too needy, too much, and even ugly, blaming themselves for their parents’ rejecting and disgusted behavior toward them.

It’s proven, however, when Fanny goes home, that her parents are just as neglectful of her as she felt them to be formerly. Her father is “negligent of his family”, and her mother clearly does not really love her:

Mrs. Price was not unkind; but, instead of gaining on her affection and confidence, and becoming more and more dear, her daughter never met with greater kindness from her than on the first day of her arrival. The instinct of nature was soon satisfied, and Mrs. Price’s attachment had no other source. Her heart and her time were already quite full; she had neither leisure nor affection to bestow on Fanny. Her daughters never had been much to her.* She was fond of her sons, especially of William, but Betsey was the first of her girls whom she had ever much regarded. To her she was most injudiciously indulgent. William was her pride; Betsey her darling; and John, Richard, Sam, Tom, and Charles occupied all the rest of her maternal solicitude, alternately her worries and her comforts. These shared her heart: her time was given chiefly to her house and her servants.

[*Footnote: I have to stop here for a moment and mention poor Susan, whom I like better at every reading. With Mrs. Price only loving her sons and Betsy, with Mary dead and Fanny gone, Susan was for years THE ONLY completely unloved child in the house, which must have been pretty awful. It’s clear that Fanny and Susan have suffered rather similar fates in being raised without love, and Susan only responds more with irritation and Fanny more with tears: “Susan was only acting on the same truths, and pursuing the same system, which [Fanny’s] own judgment acknowledged, but which her more supine and yielding temper would have shrunk from asserting. Susan tried to be useful, where she could only have gone away and cried”. Please tell me somebody’s written a sequel about Susan?]

Again, while Mr. and Mrs. Price are not CRUEL, they’re not KIND, either. They are deeply emotionally neglectful toward Susan and Fanny, and Mrs. Price shows favoritism for the rest of her children, thus hurting her daughters further. Fanny’s probable surmise when she was sent away that she was not loved or wanted by her parents unfortunately appears to be very true. While an adult like Fanny can rationalize such behavior by her parents (even if it pains her), a child cannot do so, and the Prices’ lack of love for their own daughter must have been traumatizing and contributed to her belief that she can never matter to anybody (more on this in a bit).

Trauma 4: Lack of Companionship: Maria and Julia (and Miss Lee)

Fanny’s education when she arrives at Mansfield is not that of a gentlewoman--hardly surprising, given both her family’s socioeconomic position and her mother’s busy-ness with her family and general indolence. Maria and Julia’s education on scholarly subjects is clearly much stronger (they’re also 2-3 years older than her), and we know that their moral education was neglected, so that they only care about whether Fanny is rich and well-educated like themselves:

They could not but hold her cheap on finding that she had but two sashes, and had never learned French; and when they perceived her to be little struck with the duet they were so good as to play, they could do no more than make her a generous present of some of their least valued toys, and leave her to herself, while they adjourned to whatever might be the favourite holiday sport of the moment, making artificial flowers or wasting gold paper.

They’re generous enough to give her presents (though their least-valued belongings), but not generous enough to actually spend time with her, and it appears that this pattern holds throughout Fanny’s time at Mansfield.

At first, Mrs. Norris, Sir Thomas, and Miss Lee all think her actually stupid instead of just ill-educated: we are told that not only did Miss Lee “[wonder] at her ignorance,” but

A mean opinion of her abilities was not confined to [Sir Thomas and Mrs. Norris]. Fanny could read, work [that means “sew”], and write, but she had been taught nothing more; and as her cousins found her ignorant of many things with which they had been long familiar, they thought her prodigiously stupid, and for the first two or three weeks were continually bringing some fresh report of it into the drawing-room.

You would think that the adults at least would realize that Fanny hadn’t had the opportunity of a gentlewoman’s education, but no, they attribute it to natural stupidity instead of opportunity:

“My dear,” their considerate aunt would reply, “it is very bad, but you must not expect everybody to be as forward and quick at learning as yourself.”

It is only Edmund who perceives that Fanny is not only NOT stupid, she’s actually clever:

He knew her to be clever, to have a quick apprehension as well as good sense, and a fondness for reading, which, properly directed, must be an education in itself. Miss Lee taught her French, and heard her read the daily portion of history; but he recommended the books which charmed her leisure hours, he encouraged her taste, and corrected her judgment: he made reading useful by talking to her of what she read, and heightened its attraction by judicious praise.

One wonders, if a sixteen-year-old boy hadn’t decided to undertake part of Fanny’s education himself, how much worse off would she have been?

That Fanny’s companionship fell almost entirely to a teenage boy six years her senior who spends most of the year away at boarding school/university, is a ringing indictment of the behavior of Maria and Julia, and of those who should have been encouraging them to make a friend of their cousin.

Trauma 5: Mrs Norris (who gets a fucking section all her own)

Here we are. We’ve finally come to it. The other four traumas would certainly have been sufficient to cause C-PTSD, but JFC, Mrs. Norris could have caused it all by her lonesome. While she comes across as amusing in Austen’s sardonic style, she is absolutely toxic for Fanny’s mental health.

Mrs. Norris seems to have had an out-sized effect on the three Mansfield girls. Generally, mothers were in charge of the education of their daughters (even if indirectly, through a governess), so while Sir Thomas did examine them on their lessons, it was really supposed to be Lady Bertram’s job to see to their practical and moral education. But Lady Bertram is an absolute zero, a completely passive character, and Austen says directly that, “To the education of her daughters Lady Bertram paid not the smallest attention.” So it seems like the much more active Mrs. Norris stepped in, and her influence was extremely strong with all three of them, despite her being married and having her own house and her own concerns for the first seven or so years of Fanny’s time at Mansfield.

We can see her influence with all three in the fact that all three of the Mansfield girls end up evaluating themselves in almost perfect accordance to how Mrs. Norris evaluated them. Maria, the golden child*, became very spoiled and proud and thought she could do almost whatever she wanted. Fanny, the scapegoat, came to believe that her only worth was in being “useful” (Mrs. Norris’s hobby-horse) and that she could never be of any importance to anybody. And Julia, while closer to Maria’s level of treatment than Fanny’s, also suffers from comparisons to the golden child:

That Julia escaped better than Maria was owing, in some measure, to a favourable difference of disposition and circumstance, but in a greater to her having been less the darling of that very aunt, less flattered and less spoilt. Her beauty and acquirements had held but a second place. She had been always used to think herself a little inferior to Maria.

[*footnote: Treating one child as the golden child and one as the scapegoat is a very common tactic of abusive caregivers. The scapegoat becomes entirely worn down in self-esteem so that she is powerless to fight back against the abuse. The golden child and other children see how the scapegoat is treated and try hard not to rock the boat because they don’t want to end up like that.]

Mrs. Norris teaches Fanny from the beginning to judge and reject her own natural emotions. On her first traumatic separation from her family, Mrs. Norris lectures her incessantly on how she ought to be HAPPY, not sad:

Mrs. Norris had been talking to her the whole way from Northampton of her wonderful good fortune, and the extraordinary degree of gratitude and good behaviour which it ought to produce, and her consciousness of misery was therefore increased by the idea of its being a wicked thing for her not to be happy.

Fanny is taught to regard her own natural feelings as “wicked”, especially when they are a negative reaction to how the Bertram/Norris family treats her. While she can see some of her own feelings as just--when they have been sanctioned by Edmund’s judgment--any feeling that tends away from perfect gratitude toward the Bertram/Norris family she immediately rejects as an immoral response. She frequently takes herself to task at these moments. Anger and resentment are natural responses meant to help us protect ourselves against mistreatment from others, and this self-defending response is entirely squelched by Mrs. Norris’s behavior to her.

Mrs. Norris’s behavior toward Fanny is not only emotionally abusive; it is also at least physically neglectful, if not physically abusive. Despite the fact that everyone agrees that Fanny “is not strong”, Mrs. Norris makes a lot of difficulties in Edmund’s attempts to make sure Fanny has a horse to ride, and also refuses to allow Fanny a fire in the East Room, even in the middle of winter, a privation that ever Sir Thomas thinks bad enough that he countermands it--though doing so with a little explanatory disclaimer to Fanny explaining why Mrs. Norris MEANS well and why Fanny shouldn’t dare to be angry, or indeed anything but immensely and forever grateful for their neglectful treatment of her:

Your aunt Norris has always been an advocate, and very judiciously, for young people’s being brought up without unnecessary indulgences; but there should be moderation in everything. She is also very hardy herself, which of course will influence her in her opinion of the wants of others. And on another account, too, I can perfectly comprehend. I know what her sentiments have always been. The principle was good in itself, but it may have been, and I believe has been, carried too far in your case. I am aware that there has been sometimes, in some points, a misplaced distinction; but I think too well of you, Fanny, to suppose you will ever harbour resentment on that account. You have an understanding which will prevent you from receiving things only in part, and judging partially by the event. You will take in the whole of the past, you will consider times, persons, and probabilities, and you will feel that they were not least your friends who were educating and preparing you for that mediocrity of condition which seemed to be your lot. Though their caution may prove eventually unnecessary, it was kindly meant; and of this you may be assured, that every advantage of affluence will be doubled by the little privations and restrictions that may have been imposed. I am sure you will not disappoint my opinion of you, by failing at any time to treat your aunt Norris with the respect and attention that are due to her.

~*GAAASSSSS-LIGHTINNNNGGGGGGG*~

“Oh, shit, you’ve been freezing to death here for years because your aunt’s an abusive asshole. Oh, but there are three million excuses for her, and also you’re SO GOOD AND GRATEFUL that I KNOW you’ll never allow yourself to see it for the abuse it was, and aren’t you so GRATEFUL to us all for everything we’ve done for you? We MEANT well. And being abused was good for you anyway. If you ever get mad at your abusers I’ll treat you with withering criticism.”

*gagggg* I could write an entire essay explicating the gaslighting in that passage ALONE.

I could go on and on about Mrs. Norris’s abusive behavior toward Fanny, but I think most of it’s perfectly obvious to the reader. I think a very interesting argument might be made on whether Mrs. Norris would count as having a form of narcissistic personality disorder--always worried about her own importance, living through her golden child Maria, taking everything out on her scapegoat, insisting always on associating her own value with that of Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram and insisting on Fanny’s status being lower because her own self-esteem is dependent on being as good as her sister Bertram and better than her sister Price. Might be interesting.

Part 2: Fanny Price’s Trauma Responses

Complex emotional trauma expresses itself in a number of symptoms and behaviors. We’ve already talked about emotional flashbacks, and I’m going to look at four more major aspects of Fanny’s trauma responses.

Anxiety and Hypervigilance

People with PTSD often suffer from hypervigilance, where their body is constantly on high alert for threats in their environment. These threats are not only physical threats (resulting in things like jumping really hard at sudden noises) but also interpersonal threats. For instance, whenever I hear people talking really quietly in my house, I stop whatever I’m doing and listen REALLY HARD because I’m worried they’re talking about me and it’s gonna be bad.

Fanny exhibits this same behavior when she has retreated to the East Room when Crawford is in the house to propose to her:

She sat some time in a good deal of agitation, listening, trembling, and fearing to be sent for every moment; but as no footsteps approached the East room, she grew gradually composed, could sit down, and be able to employ herself, and able to hope that Mr. Crawford had come and would go without her being obliged to know anything of the matter.

Nearly half an hour had passed, and she was growing very comfortable, when suddenly the sound of a step in regular approach was heard; a heavy step, an unusual step in that part of the house: it was her uncle’s; she knew it as well as his voice; she had trembled at it as often, and began to tremble again, at the idea of his coming up to speak to her, whatever might be the subject. It was indeed Sir Thomas who opened the door and asked if she were there, and if he might come in. The terror of his former occasional visits to that room seemed all renewed, and she felt as if he were going to examine her again in French and English.

Her trembling at the sound of her uncle’s footsteps looks like hypervigilance, and the fact of her childhood “terror” being “renewed” sounds like she’s having another flashback, since she so strongly associates the presence of her uncle in the East Room with those painful childhood visits. She reacts with physical symptoms of stress, trembling at his approach.

Fanny’s anxiety and hypervigilance also demonstrates itself in her being constantly convinced that people are going to be angry with her. When she turns Mr. Crawford down, for instance, she is CONVINCED that Miss Crawford is going to be furious with her, and fears to meet with her. Edmund tells her Miss Crawford isn’t REALLY angry with her, but cannot convince her:

The promised visit from “her friend,” as Edmund called Miss Crawford, was a formidable threat to Fanny, and she lived in continual terror of it. As a sister, so partial and so angry, and so little scrupulous of what she said... she was in every way an object of painful alarm. ...The dependence of having others present when they met was Fanny’s only support in looking forward to it. She absented herself as little as possible from Lady Bertram, kept away from the East room, and took no solitary walk in the shrubbery, in her caution to avoid any sudden attack.

Fanny is so terrified of a polite confrontation with Miss Crawford, whom she has never seen angry before, that she spends DAYS trying to never be alone so that she’ll feel protected by the presence of company! Of course, when Miss Crawford DOES visit, she’s nothing but friendly. But Fanny’s PTSD couldn’t allow her to believe that until it happened. Her anxiety is intense, and this sort of thing happens repeatedly over the course of the novel.

Over-accommodation of others / people-pleasing

Childhood emotional trauma frequently leads to people-pleasing behavior: doing what you do not want to do simply because someone else wants you to. To understand this, you have to put yourself into the point of view of a very young child or an infant. Children depend entirely on their caregivers for survival: they are aware of this on an instinctive level. If the caregiver shows them very conditional love, only appearing pleased with them when the child does things they like and displeased when the child does things that inconvenience them, the child quickly learns that they need to please their caregivers in order to survive. “Mom gets angry when I cry--Mom doesn’t like me to cry--if Mom gets angry at me, I could starve to death--I need to not cry.” Obviously this line of thinking happens on a subconscious rather than a conscious level, but it’s incredibly powerful nonetheless. I have found myself in situations where a person with some kind of power over me--a doctor, for instance--shows displeasure with something I say to them, and I INSTANTLY find myself backing off, making light of it, taking back everything I said, etc, even though I very much meant it and it needed to be said. The people-pleasing instinct is very strong and difficult to overcome.

In Fanny’s case, it isn’t just a matter of her caregivers showing her inconsistent love in early childhood. Even as an adult, she is fully aware that she needs to please the Bertrams, or she--and her family!--are SCREWED. She is entirely financially dependent on the Bertrams. If she displeases them, not only can they make her life at Mansfield even MORE uncomfortable than it already is, but they can send her back to Portsmouth. Even worse, they could stop their financial support of William and the financial support they are periodically sending to the rest of her family. Huge things hang on Fanny’s pleasing the Bertrams, and it’s small wonder she has developed the habit of trying to please everybody constantly (even her un-pleasable Aunt Norris).

Fanny repeatedly does things she doesn’t want to do, simply because someone asks or tells her to, even if there’s likely to be no major consequences if she doesn’t. One example is on Miss Crawford’s last visit to Mansfield, when Fanny is trying her darnedest to avoid speaking with her alone:

[Miss Crawford] was determined to see Fanny alone, and therefore said to her tolerably soon, in a low voice, “I must speak to you for a few minutes somewhere”; words that Fanny felt all over her, in all her pulses and all her nerves. Denial was impossible. Her habits of ready submission, on the contrary, made her almost instantly rise and lead the way out of the room. She did it with wretched feelings, but it was inevitable.

Fanny doesn’t want to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny doesn’t NEED to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny could stall, perhaps until Miss Crawford left. Nonetheless, the MOMENT Miss Crawford asks it of her, Fanny does it--even though she’s clearly terrified, feeling it “in all her pulses and all her nerves” (more on this physical reaction later). She acts almost like Ella Enchanted: she literally can’t say no.

Likewise, she doesn’t take opportunities she is offered to do things that she DOES wish to do. After a very long description of how much she wants to dance one evening, when her only chance of a partner is Tom, the following exchange occurs:

When he had told of his horse, [Tom] took a newspaper from the table, and looking over it, said in a languid way, “If you want to dance, Fanny, I will stand up with you.” With more than equal civility the offer was declined; she did not wish to dance. “I am glad of it,” said he, in a much brisker tone, and throwing down the newspaper again, “for I am tired to death.”

Fanny DOES want to dance, and the way that he worded the question, she could very well have said, “Yes, please,” and gotten up to dance with him. He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to dance, and she has picked up on this and said--not only that they don’t have to dance, but the LIE that she doesn’t WANT to dance--in order to please him. Later Austen points Tom out as a hypocrite when he complains, “It raises my spleen more than anything, to have the pretence of being asked, of being given a choice, and at the same time addressed in such a way as to oblige one to do the very thing, whatever it be!” But while it is true that Tom left Fanny LITTLE choice in the matter, it is also true that a stronger character, like Miss Crawford, could probably have found a way to say that she DID want to dance, even with such an unencouraging questioner. Fanny cannot do this: she has been conditioned all her life to give in to people--because her very SURVIVAL has depended on it.

In particular, Mrs. Norris has squelched Fanny’s independence of spirit very firmly. At one point she observes, very unfairly,

There is a something about Fanny, I have often observed it before—she likes to go her own way to work; she does not like to be dictated to; she takes her own independent walk whenever she can; she certainly has a little spirit of secrecy, and independence, and nonsense, about her, which I would advise her to get the better of.”

As a general reflection on Fanny, Sir Thomas thought nothing could be more unjust.

Obviously, Mrs. Norris is completely wrong about this. But as long as she can project* the fault of independence on Fanny, and punish Fanny for this false fault, she can prevent her from ever developing it. By picking on the least little supposed sign of independence and harping on it for ages, Mrs. Norris can prevent Fanny from ever developing a will of her own.

[*Footnote: this is another thing narcissists do: they project their own bad behavior on to others. Mrs. Norris is definitely not secretive, but she is very “independent” and has a lot of “nonsense”--instead of consulting with others about what they actually need in any given situation, she TELLS them. She has no spirit of cooperation, and all her “services” to others tend to be officious and useless.]

Low self-esteem

I thought about putting this together with the section on Mrs. Norris, because Fanny’s self-esteem has been so much shaped by her aunt. This is the kind of message Mrs. Norris is constantly drilling into her about the lowness of her importance:

The nonsense and folly of people’s stepping out of their rank and trying to appear above themselves, makes me think it right to give you a hint, Fanny, now that you are going into company without any of us; and I do beseech and entreat you not to be putting yourself forward, and talking and giving your opinion as if you were one of your cousins—as if you were dear Mrs. Rushworth or Julia. That will never do, believe me. Remember, wherever you are, you must be the lowest and last.

This message is so entirely in keeping with the messages Mrs. Norris has been indoctrinating Fanny with over the years that she has fully internalized it. When a primary caregiver tells you over and over again that you do not matter to anyone, you come to believe it:

[Fanny:] “I can never be important to any one.”

[Edmund:] “What is to prevent you?”

“Everything. My situation, my foolishness and awkwardness.”

“As to your foolishness and awkwardness, my dear Fanny, believe me, you never have a shadow of either, but in using the words so improperly. There is no reason in the world why you should not be important where you are known. You have good sense, and a sweet temper, and I am sure you have a grateful heart, that could never receive kindness without wishing to return it. I do not know any better qualifications for a friend and companion.”

“You are too kind,” said Fanny, colouring at such praise; “how shall I ever thank you as I ought, for thinking so well of me.”

Fanny’s “I can never be important to any one” sounds very much like a triggered teenager sobbing, “Nobody will ever love me!” even while friends next to her are demonstrating that they DO love her. The survivor of this kind of abuse comes to a place where their beliefs do not reflect reality because their beliefs instead reflect the intense emotional rejection they have received from their main caregivers*. Fanny is important to Edmund, William, and Lady Bertram, but is convinced that she not only is NOT important to ANYONE, but never CAN be. She also convinced that she is foolish and awkward, probably by the early experiences at Mansfield when she didn’t know all the intricate rules of high society and was far behind Maria and Julia in her education. Fanny, though she is extremely shy, manages to carry off most things with surprising grace, and she is clever and has a wisdom and common sense in some things far beyond her years. Yet she is CERTAIN that she is “foolish and awkward”, because she has been repeatedly called so by authority figures in her life and almost all of her family at Mansfield.

[*Footnote: these extreme beliefs are often couched in “black-and-white” language: “EVERYBODY hates me, NOBODY loves me, I’ll NEVER be able to do it right, I’ll be alone FOREVER”. We can hear this in Fanny’s “I can NEVER be of importance to ANY ONE”.]

Fanny not only thinks very lowly of herself, she also is afraid of being praised or of anything that could possibly raise her self-esteem. For instance, in a discussion with Edmund, she explains why she never wants anybody to notice her:

[Edmund:] “Your uncle is disposed to be pleased with you in every respect; and I only wish you would talk to him more. You are one of those who are too silent in the evening circle.”

[Fanny:] “But I do talk to him more than I used. I am sure I do. Did not you hear me ask him about the slave-trade last night?”

“I did—and was in hopes the question would be followed up by others. It would have pleased your uncle to be inquired of farther.”

“And I longed to do it—but there was such a dead silence! And while my cousins were sitting by without speaking a word, or seeming at all interested in the subject, I did not like—I thought it would appear as if I wanted to set myself off at their expense, by shewing a curiosity and pleasure in his information which he must wish his own daughters to feel.”

“Miss Crawford was very right in what she said of you the other day: that you seemed almost as fearful of notice and praise as other women were of neglect.”

She is literally fearful of notice and praise--because Mrs. Norris has told her repeatedly throughout her life that she must NEVER shine more than Maria or Julia, must NEVER take attention away from them--a sort of vicarious narcissism. And Fanny feels that to receive a compliment, to state her own opinions, or even to TALK much in company is “stepping out of her place”, the high crime and misdemeanor of Mrs. Norris’s upbringing.

I was raised by a narcissistic caretaker, and I am sometimes suddenly overwhelmed with terror that I’m taking too much attention to myself and that I’m therefore BAD somehow. Because a narcissist (or their proxy, the golden child) must always be the center of attention, the scapegoat is emotionally punished for ever taking the spotlight. Mrs. Norris is disposed to be upset when Sir Thomas holds a dance in Fanny’s honor, and is only reconciled to it because SHE will be able to make herself the center of attention in the preparations.*

[*Footnote: I think another argument can be made for Mrs. Norris’s narcissism in her response to Crawford’s proposal to Fanny:

Angry she was: bitterly angry; but she was more angry with Fanny for having received such an offer than for refusing it. It was an injury and affront to Julia, who ought to have been Mr. Crawford’s choice; and, independently of that, she disliked Fanny, because she had neglected her; and she would have grudged such an elevation to one whom she had been always trying to depress.

Mrs. Norris is DETERMINED to put Fanny down, as the scapegoat, and is offended that one of her golden children (her emotional stand-in) is shown less honor in this situation than the scapegoat. For the scapegoat to be elevated and her narcissistic stand-in to be neglected induces a narcissistic rage.]

“Sensibility” and High Sensitivity

In the 18th century, a theory and “culture of sensibility” grew up in places like Britain, France, Holland, and the British colonies. Encyclopedia.com’s article on sensibility states, “Sensibility (and ‘sensible’ and ‘sentiment’) connoted the operation of the nervous system, the material basis for consciousness.” But the workings of the nervous system, they believed, affected more than just the physical body. Some people, it was held, had greater sensibility than others: their nerves were more easily affected by not only physical but also emotional and moral input, and they responded accordingly--not just in word and in deed, but in tears, blushes, trembling, fainting, etc. It was believed that people’s emotional responses AND physical responses could tell you something about their physical AND moral makeup. A truly modest woman, for instance, would blush and look confused when confronted with something that offended her maidenly modesty. A woman--or indeed, man--who was truly moral and “sensible” would be emotionally affected by something sad, such as a tale of oppression, to the point of openly weeping. A heroine of sensibility would most likely faint if threatened with something she found, not only physically frightening, but morally abhorrent (such as a forced marriage). This is part of the reason for what seems to use like excessive emotional reactions in some 18th-century novels: the writer is demonstrating her characters’ moral superiority through their physical sensibility.*

[*Footnote: Encyclopedia.com adds, “The coexistence of reason and feeling was assumed, but the proportion of each was endlessly debated, above all because of what many saw as the dangers of unleashed feelings... [After the French Revolution,] The debate over the proportions of reason and feeling in persons of sensibility was politicized, and the need for women to channel their feelings toward moral and domestic goals was reemphasized. The word ‘sentimental,’ which had been used positively, became a label for ‘excessive sensibility’ and self-indulgence.” We can see this conflict clearly in Austen’s Sense and Sensibility!]

There is, in fact, a modern equivalent to the 18th century idea of sensibility: the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). First proposed by Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person (1996), the theory suggests that SPS

is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli". The trait is characterized by "a tendency to 'pause to check' in novel situations, greater sensitivity to subtle stimuli, and the engagement of deeper cognitive processing strategies for employing coping actions, all of which is driven by heightened emotional reactivity, both positive and negative". (wikipedia)

While some people have mocked this theory as pseudoscience, Aron is by no means the only researcher to have studied it, and a great many people who suffered from people telling them “You’re too sensitive” when they were hurt have taken comfort in the positive affirmation that high sensitivity is a natural phenomenon and can even at times be regarded as a strength rather than a character flaw.

It seems to me that there is a good deal of overlap between those who self-identify or may be identified as HSPs and those who have C-PTSD. Whether this is because greater emotional sensitivity leads to a greater incidence of traumatic responses to negative experiences, or whether high sensitivity is itself a product of repeated childhood trauma, I can’t say. (Heck, it could even be that the HSP’s belief that they’re over-sensitive comes from childhood gaslighting!)

What I can say is that Fanny Price exhibits, not only hypervigilance, but also what Austen would call “great sensibility” and I would call “SPS”. Fanny has the greatest sensibility of any character in the entire novel, even Edmund: she judges more clearly on moral matters than Edmund or Sir Thomas, and has the strongest physical and emotional reactions to stimuli. She seems to be constantly blushing, trembling, or tearing up. This is not only painful to modern readers (who, if they’re not pained by sympathizing with her, may well be pained by what seems to them a lack of proper 21st-century backbone in a main character) but is clearly highly uncomfortable at times to Fanny herself. She might be able to pride herself on her moral discernment (not that Fanny would EVER pride herself on ANYTHING), and she may be in transports of happiness when something good, like William’s arrival or promotion, occur, but she is often “cast down” as well by things that seem to others like trifles. We see this not only in her hypervigilance but also in the depression and the black-and-white thinking which are often the products of trauma. Edmund observes to her, “It is your disposition to be easily dejected and to fancy difficulties greater than they are.” Fanny’s apparent high sensitivity may be just a natural trait (made worse by trauma) or may itself be a product of trauma.

Conclusions

At the end of all this, I’m really not sure what I think about Fanny’s “happy ending”. On one hand, she gets what she’s always wanted in life: companionate marriage with Edmund, valued by Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram, with Mrs. Norris (and Maria) gone forever, and Julia and Tom chastened and better behaved. It seems perfect for her. But a little voice inside of me keeps saying how very unlikely it is. People rarely change as much as Sir Thomas does in the book--and in fact, we are only assured by Austen that Sir Thomas comes to value Fanny more: we don’t actually SEE it. I can’t help but feel that Fanny must still have been subject to ongoing gaslighting about how she was brought up and about respect toward Mrs. Norris and himself. Fanny got what she thought she wanted, but at the same time, she didn’t get free. Especially considering that Austen goes out of her way to say that things COULD have turned out differently and that Fanny and Crawford COULD have been happy together, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Fanny had ended up with the ONLY person in the entire book who truly recognizes how badly she has been treated at Mansfield Park:

[Crawford]: And they will now see their cousin treated as she ought to be, and I wish they may be heartily ashamed of their own abominable neglect and unkindness.

#jane austen #mansfield park #trauma #c-ptsd #literature #tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk

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okayto · 4 years

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Murderbot Reference: Character Descriptions Part 1

So, characters and things in Murderbot stories don’t get a lot of physical description, which is very cool, but out of curiosity I went through all 5 books and tried to note every time a character gets a description (body or clothing).

I also ended up making some non-visual notes, such as the names of Mensah’s marital partners and Amena’s age. Basically, the things I’d want to remember about a character if I was writing or drawing them. Therefore, beware of spoilers.

This got long so it’s under a cut, and I’ve split it into 3 posts. This post contains:

Mensah

Gurathin

Pin-Lee

Ratthi

Arada

Overse, Bharadwaj, Volescu

Wilken and Gerth

Miki & Human-Form Bots

Don Abene

Combat Bot

Amena

Thiago

Other posts: Part 2; Part 3

Mensah

· “She had dark brown skin and lighter brown hair cut very short and I’m guessing she wasn’t young or she wouldn’t be in charge.”

· Looks tired and sleep-deprived during pre-abduction interviews; more creases at corner of eyes after rescue

· Clothing: During rescue, wears a long caftan over pants (long enough to hold it up while running), “looked more rumpled and creased than they should, but not enough to draw attention.” One shoe falls off during run, she can toe out of the other one.

· Very good at controlling herself, can look physically relaxed during all this.

· Height: comes up to about MB’s shoulder. MB has to “look down” to meet her eyes directly.

· Feed interface is implanted as a fail-safe for emergencies, but is not augmented.

· One child “looked like a miniature version of Mensah;” family has 7 children total

· Two marital partners: Farai and Tano. Farai uses she/her and seems comfortable with Murderbot.

· Has at least one brother (who married Thiago), see next point

· Lives outside the capital city with two marital partners, plus her sister and brother and their three marital partners, “and a bunch of relatives and kids who Ratthi had lost count of”

· Is “second mother” in family

Gurathin

· Has “a small, quiet smile, and they all [PreservationAux survey members] seemed to like him.”

· Augmented human, specifically gives him some information storage (similar to MB), internal augment. Carries a specialized toolkit.

· Shorter than MB, who puts its arm on his shoulder to run after injury.

Pin-Lee

· During Exit Strategy when meeting MB, is wearing a jacket and carrying the key for Mensah’s implant.

· Wears feed interface in ear

· Take medication (unspecified, but had it with her during ES)

· Has past experience in habitat and shelter construction

Ratthi

· At end of ASR, is there to meet MB when it comes out of cubicle after Mensah purchases it. “He was wearing regular civilian station clothes, but with the soft gray jacket with the PreservationAux survey logo.”

· Shorter than MB, who puts its arm on his shoulder to run after injury.

· Carries a lucky spare interface

· Is a biologist

· No physical description (besides being shorter than MB), but according to Word of God on her Dreamwidth blog (no links or Tumblr will hide this post from the tags): “Ratthi is super hot. We're talking Sendhil Ramamurthy levels of hot.”

· The closest physical description in text we get is being used as a comparison: “Iris was small, shorter and slimmer than Ratthi, not much bigger than Amena.“

· Doesn’t seem to have a partner, but according to MB, has a lot of relationships with all genders of humans and augmented humans, and he and they all seemed very happy about it.

Arada

· “Arada has a lot of expressions, even for a human.”

· Short hair (singed in NE after whatever happened in the wormhole)

· Has light gold-brown skin “and you could really tell all the blood had drained out of her face” when frightened.

Overse, Bharadwaj & Volescu

· Overse uses she/her, Arada’s marital partner. Is certified as a field medic

· Bharadwaj uses she/her

· Volescu uses he/him; in a 4-way marriage

Wilken and Gerth

· Both she/her. Both augmented humans, carrying traveling packs and a couple cases MB recognizes as combat gear, including armor and weapons

· Have worked for GrayCris before, know enough about it to keep blackmail material on hand

· “From the shapes, the cases held weapons, ammo, and a couple of high-end sets of self-adjusting armor, the kind I’d only seen in the media.”

· Armor has energy weapons built into forearms. Faceplate and helmet. With no comm or feed, can hear but voices sound like they’re farther away. When armor powers down, automatically opens vents to allow air circulation so person doesn’t suffocate or get heat exhaustion.

Miki/Human-Form Bots

· No cloned human tissue, just a bare metal bot-body that can pick up heavy things (but not as good as specialized hauler or other cargo bot, according to MB). Big, globe-like eyes. Eyes are dark and opaque surface. Can extend a secondary clamp from chest and used to hold emergency kit while using its hand to treat MB.

· Cameras and sensory inputs are in head; its processor, memory and other things that make it Miki are in the chest/torso

· Strong enough to pin Wilken’s wrist to wall and stand firm while Wilken pushes.

· Human-form bots often used to portray “evil rogue SecUnits who menaced the main characters” in entertainment media, so humans who had never worked with SecUnits expected them to look like human-form bots, not SUs.

· Not popular in corporation territory (according to MB) because they’re more general-purpose and not as good at specific tasks as dedicated bots, and “with the feed available their data storage and processing ability isn’t that exciting.”

Don Abene

· Warm brown skin lined at the corners of mouth and eyes, long dark hair has strands of white. MB can’t guess age.

· Hair is loose after helmet taken off, long enough to need brushing away to check neck, and Wilken grabbed it.

· After helmet removed during fight, has a mark on neck where helmet rim pressed in.

Combat Bot (not Combat SecUnit)

· (Combat SecUnit note: they probably don’t look super different from regular SecUnits, at least if you’re not super close, because MB didn’t realize one SU in the Exit Strategy dock fight was a Combat SU until it was able to counter MB’s hacks; MB didn’t recognize it as a CSU on sight)

· Anyway: combat bots, separate things from CSUs

· Combat bots are close in shape to human-form bot, but 3 meters (~10 feet) tall, has multiple weapon ports in chest and back, four arms with multiple hand mods for cutting, slicing, delivering energy bursts, etc.

· Faster, stronger, and more heavily armed than a SecUnit, and a “not very endearing personality” according to MB.

· Camera and scanners in head, processing and memory in lower abdomen for protection

· Can deliver pulse through skin to cause SecUnit pain sensors to max out, and another pulse meant to fry SecUnit armor and explosive weapons.

· Grabbed SecUnit by head and shoulder with one hand; MB feels “shift in the metal that mean something sharp was about to come out of its hand.”

Amena

· Shorter than MB (“stares up” at it)

· Smaller than Iris [see part 2 for Iris] and Ratthi

· Has to tie hair up in order to put on EVAC suit

· Just under Preservation’s legal adult age

· Oldest of the family’s 7 children

Thiago

· Mensah’s brother-in-law, married to Mensah’s brother; Amena’s uncle

· Brown skin

#Murderbot #Murderbot Diaries #Network Effect #Martha Wells #Reference

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aalapdavjekar · 3 years

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8 Lessons from Vipassana

2010 was a peculiar year. It was the year in which I found the great fortune of stumbling upon a book about the bizarre incidents and experiences of an Australian girl voyaging through the Indian subcontinent. The book — a 21st century rewrite of the lore of the hippie trail, offered little towards cerebral surprises, but made for a curious viewing of the life of someone who was brave (or foolish) enough to have gone through all the trouble that she did for the experiences she sought.

The author chronicled days spent discovering religion and spiritual heaven while avoiding hell — nosy neighbours, opportunistic rickshaw-wallas, and the odd would-be rapist. She portrays an all too familiar India — the world’s spiritual shopping mall serving food-poisoning on Tuesdays, vehicular accidents every Friday, and frightening latrines as a daily course. Not all of her pages carried so much drama, but they laid out a rough sketch of the trials and tribulations of the average foreigner in attempting to make sense of the country.

The smallest chapter in the book spoke to me the most. There was a tiny passage that depicted the joy and punishing solitude of the type rarely considered as thrill — monastic rituals, austere and rigorous routines, distress and hardship — it seemed a bit too much for anyone, let alone a solo adventurer. And yet, it seemed like just about the only thing she really enjoyed during her trip.

That was my introduction to Vipassana. That first memory is still fresh: the desire to confront this awkward specimen of a situation for myself, only because, at the time, it seemed so bizarre. To my ignorant mind, I could not have comprehended the result of ten long days (and nights), sitting around without the utterance of a single syllable. If nothing else, it would just be yet another substance: to taste, chew on, spit out, and rave about having conquered yet another mountain of sensory input; spin it all into a tall tale of profundity and wisdom.

Thankfully, the taste was sweet. To me, this became pretty important. It felt like a gigantic discovery and I often found myself proselytizing like a broken record for days after the first course. I eventually stopped for being seen as a bit of a nuisance, however, my fascination with the practice only grew with time. In those ten short days, I had experienced a deep, resounding change from within. As difficult as the journey had been, I only knew I had to keep going.

That was all ten years ago. 2010 was peculiar, but a dozen Vipassana courses later, life only became weirder.

It’s the stark contrast that gets you; the juxtaposition of life inside a course, and then witnessing the world outside. It is hard to illustrate and is not really the point of this post, but I mention it only because I’d like to warn you that many of the lessons I’ve learnt are all experiential truths. Simply engaging the intellect is not enough. You can’t describe the taste of salt to someone who has never experienced it before, and you can’t learn to swim simply by reading about it.

With that said, understand that even though I have been practicing for a while, it does not mean I have achieved any form of mastery over my practice. I still consider this as the just the first step in a very long path. I share these insights, all of which have broadened and enriched my understanding of not only myself, but of all-encompassing experience existence in itself. My only hope is to encourage you to sit down and focus on your breath.

1. Relaxing meditation is more like aggressive deconditioning…

The mind is a big ball of accumulated, tightly-knotted habits. Habits are not merely mundane proclivities like picking your nose, or a preference for K-pop. Habits are the set of all unconscious tendencies, picked up over the course of one’s life and through generations past, resulting in present thought, action, or both. Natural instincts such as the struggle to survive and the urge for sexual gratification are among the densest of elements residing within the mental landscape.

Mental forces are easiest to imagine when you think of them as analogous to Newton’s Third Law: each action has an equal and opposite reaction. As the mind sees, the mind does. Cause and effect. Through millions of years of evolution, the mind has been shaped to recognize and react to patterns. Certain emotions may result in specific thoughts. Certain thoughts may result in specific behaviours.

When you sit down to practice Vipassana, you essentially train yourself to observe the mind without reacting. The process may not seem like much but, with time, the simple act of observation decreases the rigidity and impulsiveness of the mind. Gradually, the simple act of watching it unravel before you, unveiling its knots until they loosen and eventually fade away, brings about a significant change. This does not mean that after ten days of meditation you will deprogram your mind and achieve liberation. It is a very gradual process. Believe me. Even after all these years, I’ve only scratched the surface and, so far, I’ve managed to adopt a slightly better diet. But I have better focus, more clarity of thought, less anxiety, and things that used to drive me crazy don’t annoy me as much anymore.

Meditation will change your brain. Thoughts included.

2. You are your mind’s weak, pathetic slave.

At any given time, you have very little conscious ability to overrule your genetic programming, emotional state, and natural surroundings (many have even argued that there is no such thing as conscious control and free will is an illusion, but that is a discussion for another time). The goal of meditation is to break free from the mind’s thrall: it’s patterns of thought. That’s the liberation that meditators keep referring to time and again.

If you find it hard to believe how little control you have over your mind, try to focus continuously on the breath just for a few minutes and notice the amount of thoughts that manage to pop up. You’ll quickly see how easily the mind is carried away. It’ll drift away, either to the future, or to the past. Bringing it back and keeping it in the present is a constant, seemingly endless struggle.

Our toxic addiction to our own thoughts creates the biggest hurdle. Over the course of our lives, we have been conditioned by our parents, school, society, even language, to think a certain way. Like the words we associate with objects to learn the alphabet in kindergarten, we continuously associate abstractions — words — to ideas; to the way things work. Our names for objects, people, places, feelings, situations, etc. are just names. They are concepts that are formed in the mind. In other words, our brain holds maps to reality which are drawn and redrawn over the course of our lives. But the map is not the territory, yet we are constantly under the delusion that the map is real.

Our fascination and attachment to our artificial concepts of what is real, important, and urgent is what hinders progress— the practice is essentially training the mind not to identify with one’s thoughts. In other words, to heal trauma, you need to learn to dissociate with the feeling which triggers the trauma. Trauma comes in many shapes. It may take the form of the stories that we forge for ourselves to make sense of who we are. The story we tell ourselves turns into the very bondage that keeps us in indefinite servitude to the mind.

The mind is a slippery serpent, as dangerous when untamed as it is powerful when mastered. Most beginners often find it frustrating how difficult it is to ‘control’ their minds. But therein lies the effort. It is a skill to be cultivated like any other. Exasperation and the desire to stop is a natural byproduct of the conditioning described earlier. There is an inertia to progress that needs to be continuously overcome. With time, it gets easier.

Meditation is simply a tool to harness and rein in the unruly mind.

3. Everything is connected. Every action has a consequence, and it matters.

This can be argued as a simple scientific principle. Richard Feynman in his lecture, “The Relation of Physics to Other Sciences,” describes the artificial divisions we create, forming a myriad of distinct models of understanding to comprehend and explain to ourselves aspects of the same reality. Brian Cox takes it even further.

My understanding leans towards the philosophical side, but bear with me. Most religions and spiritual traditions preach purity of mind, speech, and deed. Whether through scripture or ritual, they teach compassion, loving kindness, mercy and wisdom. I’ve realized that there’s more to this than mere morality.

To greatly simplify this, let’s imagine the world as a closed, finite system — something like a small swimming pool. Any kind of movement results in ripples that gradually extend across the body of water, affecting everything in their path. Eventually, given enough time, those ripples will bounce right back to whence they came. Sooner or later, your actions will meet their maker. But don’t mistake this as a need to be nice out of selfish necessity. The picture is bigger than this.

The world, much like our hypothetical swimming pool, is a melting pot of events resulting from simultaneous interactions causing countless, spontaneous consequences. It’s a chain reaction and an ocean of chaos, with the ebb and flow of individual currents that mingle, coalesce and form waves, crashing into one another to give us the great churning of the wheel that Buddhists speak of, and the agitation that we are almost too familiar with.

The turbulence, in essence, is the mind being washed away with the tide, engulfed and drowned in the vicissitudes of a constantly changing life. To remain steadfast and solid in such stormy waters would require nothing short of supreme mastery in the art of mindfulness. A cornerstone of such an endeavour requires the cultivation of a conscious effort to sustain complete awareness and acceptance for the present moment.

When one remains vigilant of thought, speech, and deed, and acquires a resolute and unwavering focus, then all the torment the ocean can muster will be but powerless against this tranquil state of mind. But even beyond that, tranquility will give way to reflection, understanding, and empathy. In other words, when you respond to anger with love, you cast water over the fire.

With practice, each action undertaken will arrive with more effort, more purpose and consideration. That is the delicate insight to be gained — that every action, every moment, every breath is sacred. Every bit of conscious presence is a gift to be treasured.

4. Nothing matters as much as you think it does…

Vipassana meditation is an exercise in cultivating insight through self-observation. You watch your breath and the sensations across your body as they arise and pass away, each time acknowledging their transient and impermanent nature. That, you come to realize, is the truth of all reality.

You realize that suffering is a form of mental attachment, not to any external object, but to the sensation that object has on your mind. This attachment is sometimes so subtle and imperceptible that it is impossible to witness it without a mind that is steady and calm. These attachments are what cause dukkha or suffering. Attachments are not limited to sensations that feel good. Any sensation that makes you feel like had more of it or less of it — desire and aversion — is attachment. The mind runs after pleasure, runs from fear and pain. These are attachments and they are a hindrance to the practice.

As you grow into your practice, you will gradually slip out of your old patterns of thought, replacing them with a more open, willing, and fluid presence of mind. What once bothered you may gradually dissolve into nothingness. What once seemed as part of you, possessed you, caused emotional havoc when you didn’t get what you wanted, might simply vanish from existence. No, you won’t turn into an emotionless robot. No it won’t make you give up everything in life, turn into a vagrant and move to the beach, unless you already desired those things. Meditation will only help sort out what you really want.

Practice will help you detach yourself from your thoughts until you realize that your thoughts are not you. Feelings come, feelings go. They are impermanent, and they don’t matter. All it requires is time and the simple act of observation.

5. You are not an experiential bubble.

For many beginners trying to embrace the many forms of mindfulness, one of the toughest obstacles to overcome is doubt. It may be doubt in oneself, doubt in the practice, doubt in one’s teacher, and so on. But it’s a natural response to something new, especially to those completely unfamiliar with these types of practices. Imparting trust is a transactional habit. Unless one is certain of attainable benefits and can measure their worth, they may find an unwillingness to take even the first step.

Couple a doubtful mind with the myriad of mental encounters one may face during meditation and the result might just kill the desire for practice. People have reported everything from swirling lights, out-of-body experiences, synesthesia, to demons. This is not unusual. Meditation is a gateway into the unconscious — a surgical procedure as S.N. Goenka, the person who brought the teaching of Vipassana back to India, describes. Through the process of Sankharupekkha (observing mental formations with equanimity), the practitioner encounters dormant impurities in the unconscious that rise to the surface of the mind, and manifest themselves as physical phenomenon.

Juxtaposed with modern-day culture, the meditative experience stands out like a sore thumb, often causing its students great confusion and mistrust in the very quality of what they are learning. It doesn’t help that the ideas and general philosophy presented by spiritual traditions are outright antithetical to “western” schools of thought.

Concepts such as avidya, anicca, dukkha, shunyata, samsara and nirvana are like salt. These are concepts that are almost impossible to understand through mere language—one must personally taste them. They are often horribly misconstrued and usually thrown out, replaced by a far shallower understanding that barely skims the surface of the teaching, conflating meditation with stress reduction and labour productivity. After all, these are the values our industrial societies can easily relate to.

We often make it harder on ourselves by letting our experiences fester. Remember to talk about them, discuss them, debate their true essence, and let them be out in the open. Let these ideas, however alien, achieve coherence and solidity. Give them a better chance to struggle and survive. There are many people out there experiencing the same reality, watching the same movie, feeling the same thing. The emotional outlet, especially when you are starting out in this practice is immensely valuable. It’s a small thing but it matters.

After my first ten-day Vipassana course came to a close, as the new students could finally open their mouths and start speaking with each other about their ten days spent in silence, we could all see the benefits this strange new thing had given us. I was in a room full of fifty-odd people that seemed to have had a similar experience in the course as I did. They all seemed calmer than on the first day, happier for having made it through; in the process, they had visibly changed. That’s what brought forth trust in the system; not only because it seemed to work across a diverse set of people, but because it made me realize that we are all in the same boat.

6. Compassion takes practice.

There is no absolute right or wrong. Understanding which is which requires not only context but patience. An impulsive and ignorant mind does not have the capacity to form correct judgement. An angry and intolerant person cannot be trusted to make rational and thoughtful decisions. Why do you need to develop proper judgement? The simplest possible answer: to progress in your practice. Hence, while Vipassana may bring insight, on the last day of each course, students are taught a slightly different type of meditation.

Metta, meaning ‘loving-kindness’, is a type of meditation that involves concentrating on directing love towards ourselves and others, even those (especially those) who may have hurt us. A daily practice of metta has its benefits, but most significant of all, is the way it complements insight meditation and brings out lasting, positive changes in mind and body.

The feeling is hard to describe, but all I can say is that (at the risk of sounding cliched), through the course of one’s life, pain is an inevitability, but suffering through the pain is a choice. With regular practice in metta, instead of being swept away by one’s emotions, one learns to consciously bring awareness to the suffering being experienced and replace it with compassionate and loving thoughts. Suffering is simply a negative reaction of the mind to any form of pain. With practice, mental aversion to pain gradually fades. Like mental ointment, compassion can heal the deepest of wounds.

But compassion takes practice. Think of it as learning a new language. Even if you have no prior experience reading the script or pronouncing the words, with time, you might just achieve fluency.

Compassion towards all beings, regardless of the situation, is an important goal for anyone serious about walking the path. When you emanate a constant stream of loving thoughts without ever missing a beat, then you might definitely consider yourself having changed for the better.

7. It’s all just glorified play.

By the time children reach the age of 3 or 4, their ego begins to form a cohesive identity — a map of themselves: I am this, I like that, I want to be so and so. Whether through nature or nurture, the child learns to take on a role for themselves depending on what the situation may bring: during interactions with their parents, with other children, and with society in general.

From an early age, children are engaged in play. Their games may be diverse, but are usually a form of role-playing: tea parties, dollhouses, make-believe — simulations of the adult world, to test its boundaries and see how things react. Fueled by curiosity and the joy of discovery, they rehearse and solidify their understanding of their surroundings, finding their place in the greater familial and societal picture, and simultaneously strengthen their masks of identity.

The masks we carry, birthed from the ego, may be necessary for our survival, but they are simply roles — the games we continue to play even as adults, with ourselves and with others. When the student of Vipassana comes to notice their own desires and attachments to the world, the identity of the self is often seen as the greatest attachment. It is the great epic; the story of ourselves that we’re so engrossed in writing and reciting— and madly in love with.

This story never ends. It lies permanently in the state of becoming: I am like this, I like that, I want to be so and so. The attachment to a false idea of oneself is the most difficult thing to witness and understand. It is the biggest delusion of the mind, and the greatest hindrance to one’s liberation from samsara — the endless cycle of birth and death. Whether you choose to believe that is unimportant, but recognising one’s tendencies to cling to one’s beliefs, one’s masks and identity, is a crucial process towards self-discovery and insight.

Recognising the mind for what it is — a constant stream of consciousness always in flux — will bring you a step closer to deciphering it.

8. You Know Nothing.

I know nothing. For knowing involves being certain, but if everything is impermanent and things are constantly in flux, then nothing can be certain.

To understand how truly inept we are at comprehending reality, consider the incredibly narrow spectrum of perception our brains provide. Our sensory organs: the eyes, ears, nose, tongue and skin offer only a slice of all the information that they come into contact with.

The eyes, for example, see only a thin slice of the electromagnetic spectrum, which we call visible light. Similarly, our hearing is restricted to frequencies of sound that fall between 20 Hz and 20 kHz. In the same way, we carry only a limited cognitive capability and intelligence.

It’s a humbling thought. At the very least, reminding oneself of the fragility of one’s understanding is a way to minimize cognitive bias. Further, since no one knows anything, knowing you know nothing will actually put you a step ahead of most people.

“I am wiser than this human being. For probably neither of us knows anything noble and good, but he supposes he knows something when he does not know, while I, just as I do not know, do not even suppose that I do. I am likely to be a little bit wiser than he in this very thing: that whatever I do not know, I do not even suppose I know.” — Plato’s Apology of Socrates

Similarly, from the Dhammapada:

“A fool who knows his foolishness is wise at least to that extent, but a fool who thinks himself wise is a fool indeed.”

Lastly, Shunryu Suzuki, a Japanese Zen Master calls the state of knowing nothing the “beginner’s mind,” the constant prerequisite for progressing in one’s practice:

“The goal of practice is always to keep our beginner’s mind. This does not mean a closed mind, but actually an empty mind and a ready mind. If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.” — from Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

May all beings be happy.

#meditation #vipassana #insight #zen #buddhism #philosophy #wisdom

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gateway-to-glimmer · 3 years

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The Twin Peaks Guide to the Occult

A Modern Conceptualization of Magick

I personally don’t believe in magick as most other people do. I see magick as a word for an unexplained variable. I see it as a creative metaphor for things that don’t have an exact definition. I see it as an informal way to question the components of reality. I see it as a way of consciously controlling and understanding your personal psychology.

I often contemplate on narratives, like Twin Peaks, that affect me in a profound way. Shows or books or games that make me feel nostalgic, unsettle me, make me question things, make me long for a different reality. I take that vivid emotional experience and question it. I relate the fictional narrative to my internal and personal experience of the world. I speculate on myself, on others, on the world around me, and redraw my conclusions again and again. This gets me thinking; dreaming; creating. It helps me to understand myself and develop a more nuanced understanding of the world around me. That is what I am attempting to teach here in this guide. I practice from a purely psychological model.

The Components of Narrative

When we watch or create a narrative, there are several main areas that we fixate on. This is likely due to our systems of memory specializing in certain types of data. We have a strong sense of place; we have a strong sense of knowledge for other worlds and their social culture; we have a strong sense of characters and elements that relate to ourselves; we have a strong sense of narrative and time; we have a strong sense of symbolism, theme, and mood. These components are easily linked to our systems of memory; we pay attention to information related to: semantic memory (knowledge of another world, of customs, of information specific to that fictional narrative); episodic memory (we preferentially pay attention to autobiographical details like narrative, character relationships, and places, which also draws on the mind’s preference for separating and compartmentalizing knowledge and functions related to person and place which we see in depersonalization and derealization; this also draws on our ability to engage in social cognition;) associative and emotional memory as well as our linguistic faculties (symbolism, communicative metaphors;) and so on.

In summary, the core components of a narrative are as follows. These components are informed by the way our brain interacts with and stores sensory input. Information is stored along several predictable axes, and it is through these cognitive functions that we are able to interact with and reason about the world.

+ Plot

+ Theme, symbolism, and higher meaning

+ Character

+ Setting and knowledge about this other world

We store memories of fictional stories in a similar manner to memories of real events. In this manner, we take in what we watch and introject our own version of it within ourselves. The way in which we internalize and relate to other narratives is hugely personal and can be used to understand and change elements of ourselves.

A Momentary Existence in the Form of Twin Peaks

To begin, set aside some time where you won’t be disturbed for 30 or more minutes. Try to use the same time for this series of contemplation. When we practice or perform something at the same time over a number of instances, we associate that time with that state of mind. This is useful for developing a distinctive state of mind dedicated to one topic. Thoughts related to that time become abstracted and elaborated from our daily thought process and take on a profound feeling of significance. We use these elaborated states of mind as lenses to modify or artistically translate aspects of our personal psychology.

Some people like using a state dependent memory cue before they engage in any type of occult working. Using cues is useful. It signals to the mind that a specific mental state or behavior is about to occur. Much like practicing at the same time every day, using cues like this can strengthen the resulting ritual state of mind, and can be used to disconnect and reconnect significant thoughts from the self.

Some people use a specific outfit or jewelry just for occult workings. Some people only practice at a specific time of day. Some people use a certain scent of incense, engage in a certain arrangement of rituals, meditate, draw or reflect on a specific symbol, or visit a specific internal place. Some people create different cues for specific rituals and topics. Other people use substances, psychoactive or not, as cues.

When contemplating subjects related to Twin Peaks, I use an internal space themed after Twin Peaks. When we visit a specific place in our mind, particularly if we immerse ourselves in our sense of that place, we modify our sense of time and place. This acts as a powerful state dependent memory cue, and thinking about that internal space brings the atmosphere of Twin Peaks and the topics it inspires us to think about to mind, vividly and immediately. This is useful for some things, particularly in identifying patterns in one’s thoughts.

After watching the show through without analysis on one occasion, begin these series of mental rituals. Begin by spending 10-20 minutes each night in an internal space themed around Twin Peaks. Pick an area that you thought had a particularly Twin Peaks-esque atmosphere; a place that inspires a sense of wonder or nostalgia related to the show. Visualize yourself in this space. Model each of your senses in that place. Walk around and explore for the amount of time you have set aside. Develop a keen sense for this space inside your mind.

Dreams

Dreams have a huge significance in Twin Peaks, and it wouldn’t be right to neglect paying attention to them. Agent Cooper often takes insight from his dreams in the show, and although some of the magick and wonder of his interpretation of his dreams can be explained as a trick of the availability heuristic, as the show goes on dreams increasingly become a window into the beyond - things that lie just beyond understanding and articulation.

Maintain a dream journal as you begin this series of mental exercises and contemplation. After watching the show through for the first time, or if you have already seen the show before, begin rewatching the series starting with Fire Walk With Me. I didn’t truly appreciate this show until the second time I watched it. I loved it the first time, but the true beauty of it didn’t become evident to me quite as keenly on the first vs. the second viewing of the show. Personal preference, I suppose.

A Contemplation of Themes

One of the greatest strengths in engaging in the mental exercises taught in occult traditions is that they allow us to engage with ideas in a novel way. Twin Peaks is a show that is particularly known for having a strong symbolic element to its narrative. Twin Peaks speaks in an artistic and metaphorical way to the viewer, and pausing to think about the subjects it tries to convey is a meaningful exercise.

So where does ritual come into things?

Continue your re-watch of the Twin Peaks. In this post, we will contemplate certain themes and characters through a ritual practice. By engaging with these ideas and reflecting on the mindset of the various parties in this show, we develop our ability to critically reason and engage with ideas in a creative way.

Before contemplating or modeling an idea or character, always begin by taking a few minutes to meditate in your internal space that you set aside for these rituals [as discussed in part 1.]

Death

Death is one of the most prominent themes that is explored in the Twin Peaks show. The show starts with the death of Laura Palmer. This show explores the world of professional death, life ruining secrets and the threat of their exposure (via the police or witnesses to crime,) suicide, homicide, and the inertia of death and the effect it has on those that survive in its wake. This show also portrays the converse of death - protection from death, guardianship. We see this in the miraculous saves or in the courageous detective work of people like Audrey, James and Donna, the Twin Peaks police, and Agent Cooper.

We watch the show explore different types of death. Ben Horne loses his land to Catherine and, accordingly, his power. He suffers a psychotic break in reaction to this. The loss of sanity and power could be considered a form of death. Lovelessness is a theme that several characters experience, notably in the various entangled romances in the show. Nadine and Ed have a fantastical and tenuous relationship where they feel alienated from each other by their fundamentally different ways of perceiving the world; Norma is terrified of her ex-husband and estranged from Ed. Alienation and mismatching perceptions of reality locking people into their own personal realities is another form of what could be considered death that is explored in this show. Josie is trapped by her past and is never truly free. Accidental deaths happen. We see conspiracy to commit murder, with Ben Horne calling a hit and the ensuing process of people involved- from the people who look the other way to the hitmen- in making someone disappear.

These are the main points of action in the show. Events involving death.

Take a few days or weeks to contemplate on the events involving death portrayed in this show. Set aside 20-30 minutes to meditate on these ideas. When you contemplate on these ideas, imagine yourself in your internal space. Create an object that symbolizes your contemplation of this subject. This will help you to remember your thoughts later and will help keep you grounded in your thoughts as opposed to zoning out. Think about the ways in which death is explored in this show. Think about how they relate to your current life and your past experiences. We have all dealt with death in some form or another.

After contemplating this theme of death, take another few days to reflect on this atmosphere. What eerie emotional feeling is associated with death, both in this show and outside of it? Take this emotional feeling and translate it into wispy colors of black with glittering, rainbow sparks. Take this feeling and translate it into different forms, places, animate it as a character. What would this feeling be like if it had a personality? What kind of place comes to mind when you reflect on this feeling, what kinds of things happen in this place? It may take multiple tries for an answer to come. Learning to manipulate your feelings and translate them into other forms like this is helpful when trying to write stories or generate ideas.

The Summoning of Spirits

Summoning is such a quintessential part of magick practice. This has been the case historically as well as currently. What is summoning? It is a particularly involved way of communicating with the self, and of picking and choosing aspects of our memory and personality that we then give animation to. We create a spirit within ourselves with these dimensions. The mind is incredible - particularly in its ability to model and to imagine. We are limited only by the boundaries of our imagination and memory.

Below is a method to summon entities. It is particularly easy to give animation to elements of our memory that we have a defined stereotype of. The characters of a show, people we know in person and have a long relationship with - drawing on our internal stereotypes of people we have a strong “sense” of is one of the easiest ways to develop an animate point of consciousness within our mind’s eye that can be talked to and influence our behavior in a way that feels abstracted from our main sense of self.

This can be used for many things. Gaining perspective. Modeling character interactions in a work of art - imagining and then modeling what will happen next in a story you are writing. The abstracted nature of these animate characters we can create in our mind lends themselves to spontaneous psychological effects and moments of inspiration - things that feel somewhat outside of our control. This adds variability to our thoughts. It’s also just a fun practice and it is interesting to play around with the mind and what it can do.

A Consideration of Character

The interactions between the various parties in Twin Peaks in addition to the general social context of the town serves as one of the main points of interest in this show. Twin Peaks presents a compelling and immersive community of characters. Understanding and analyzing their motivations is a good place to learn the general logic behind the idea of entity contact or summoning spirits.

For this summoning ritual, the only materials needed are your imagination and a quiet space. Enter your mental space that you set aside for considerations related to Twin Peaks and, perhaps, your studies of the occult more broadly. Model all of your senses in this space; attempt to immerse yourself as vividly as you can in your internal reality. This is now your entire reality; repeat this idea to yourself as you disavow information offered to you from your circumstances outside of your mind’s eye. Let go of daily life concerns, unpleasant physical sensations, and so on. All there is, is the internal world.

There are two main divisions in types of spirit work. Perceiving the other consciousness outside of yourself (evocation or summoning), and perceiving yourself as becoming this new consciousness (invocation or possession).

A third type involves hallucinating the other consciousness. A study of imposition (learning to consciously create hallucinations), which is outside of the scope of this post, can be used to provoke this third type. It is similar to the other two types but with a slightly different focus. A fourth type involves altered states such as dreams or the use of entheogens. A fifth type uses a ritual or other external cue. These latter three types are all different ways to obtain one of the former two types of entity experiences.

It is furthermore possible to integrate or transform the resulting abstracted consciousness into the self to change the self in the direction of that integrated consciousness. By being forced into direct contact with the consciousness as it integrates, the main self decides its own answer to the internal conflicts encountered by that consciousness.

External places and ideas have a type of consciousness to them, although it is experienced slightly different by the magick practitioner. This is likely due to the way the mind remembers information. It remembers information along certain axes. We have a division in our place vs. our person memory and the way we handle perception related to these two things.

Some people find it easier to shapeshift into a new consciousness. Other people find it easier to animate a consciousness that feels separate from themselves. Repeated attempts to access and animate the same concept/character increase the elaboration and complexity of the resulting spirit/animated and abstracted aspect of the self.

While in your internal space, visualize the character you wish to model. Imagine their appearance, their mannerisms. From there, it becomes a matter of modeling their mind. Focus on your internal stereotype of that person, focus on your sense of that other person, your feeling when you think of that person.

Route 1:

Draw your sense of that person into yourself. You become that person. Everything you do is checked between your logic vs. that other person’s. Everything in this trance state is done in the shape of that other person. All of your thoughts are this other person. After 10-15 minutes, more or less if you want, you can stop.

Route 2:

Imagine that other person separate from you, either in your mind’s eye or outside of yourself in your physical location. Have a conversation with that person. Model what they would say. After 10-15 minutes, stop for the day. At first, it will feel awkward and as though you are talking to yourself via a puppet, but after enough times it will become more natural and automatic, and you may find yourself slipping into that alternate perspective or hearing its internal logic comment on what you do throughout the day. Don’t forget to regularly remind yourself of the division between yourself and this part of your memory/personality/perception.

If you want to reintegrate with this abstracted sense of self, reverse the process. Take the feeling of that self and integrate it with your main sense of self. Visualize a picture, something symbolic, maybe of colors mixing to become a new color. Blue and red becoming purple. Keep reminding yourself that the only voice you hear inside your head is yours, and this is your thought process. It will quickly integrate into your main sense of self.

Don’t forget to come up with a cue that signals the beginning of a summoning/possession session and a cue that signals the end of it. Clean compartmentalization of behaviors and mental states is essential for a particularly vivid psychological experience.

Bob, Leland, and Mr. Robertson

Leland is one of the most compelling characters of the show. We see aspects of his psychology expressed indirectly in the events of the show. Leland, as Bob, is a character that affected the lives of not only his daughter, but of his co-workers and the people he engaged in criminal activity with. The various moves he makes to cover his second life are found peppered throughout the show; 25 years after the events of his daughter’s death and his subsequent suicide, his attempts to cover-up Bob are still being discovered - like with his attempt to hide his daughter’s journal entries in the police station that is only discovered in the third season.

Leland is one of the most interesting characters from this show to model, least of which being the wealth of information the show contains on his character. Leland is implied to have been a user of cocaine, and that fire was his metaphor for the high of cocaine. “Fire, walk with me.” Leland’s relationship with Mr. Robertson from his childhood is left mostly in the shadows; was it a sexual relationship? Did he witness Mr. Robertson kill someone? In either case, the psychological impact of Mr. Robertson on Leland’s childhood changed him as a person, leading to his possession by Bob in the show. It is a wonderful metaphor for the process of introjection itself, and how traumatic experiences and individuals can seem to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Not only did Leland find himself personally haunted by his experience with Mr. Robertson, but the way it affected Leland as a father to Laura affected her as well. Bob is a terrific metaphor for the psychological affects of these cycles of inherited trauma.

The Duality of Leland Palmer and Laura Palmer

Laura and Leland were similar and opposites in many interesting ways. There is an important contrast between the two that is worth considering. Laura and Leland both had difficult upbringings; Leland’s implied traumatic past and the implied trauma Laura witnessed from living in Leland’s household with its particular demands (his involvement in organized crime and drugs, and so on.) At the same time, it’s heavily implied that this makes them similar in some ways. Leland has a difficult time controlling his behavior, up to the point that Ben Horne calls for his murder (it is implied that Bob’s possession of Leland and his subsequent suicide may have been a metaphor for the psychological effects of Leland dodging Bob Horne’s hit) because he’s attracting too much attention. Leland was a man who could call a hit or kill a prostitute for fun, and it was implied he regularly practiced both things. Laura was not this sort of person at all and wanted to bring him down after discovering these things, making them opposites in a sense; however, this was Laura’s own approach to death, and it could be said this was how Bob manifested in Laura. Death by prison isn’t much better than death by hitman.

Sleep, Dreams, and Realization

In the show, sleep states, different lives (which could be a literal metaphor for other personality states and sides of ourselves, or it could be taken at face value as an exploration of other universes,) altered states and changes in behavior due to drugs (Leland’s transformation into Bob was often accompanied by drug use), and dreams are prominent elements of the show. I personally have always felt this show uses altered states of mind to show that life itself feels as wonderous and discontinuous enough as though we are traveling through other timelines, and I have felt this show is wonderful at indirectly conveying subtle and nuanced psychological states in an artistic manner. That is very occult in and of itself.

While considering this final topic- of the esoteric, that which is hidden, the unexplained variables that direct our existence and the form of our reality, the investigation of the mysteries,- attempt to do so while under the influence of different states of consciousness. I would never tell you to do something illegal, but if you already use drugs or other substances that alter your mind, try seeing how their addition changes your thought process as you consider these topics.

Attempt to contemplate these topics during sleep states. There are three significant sleep states: light sleep, which can be entered via hypnosis on the edge of sleep (watch or imagine something move back and forth) or by meditating with the eyes closed and waiting for light sleep to begin. The change in mental state is accompanied by a deepening vividness of thoughts, a difficulty remembering thoughts later on, and a randomization of thoughts.

Deep sleep is truly immersive. In light sleep, we still feel as though we are in our body, even if we may have learned to block it out. In deep sleep, we feel as though our dreams are our entire reality and have no further sense of our body. We go through the process of sleep paralysis to enter this stage, which many people feel as vibrations. Meditation through light sleep, which is easiest to do if you do not engage with your light sleep stage but continue to stay focused on nothingness for 10-20 minutes as you phase into deep sleep. Then there is REM sleep dreams, which are the most vivid and disconnected from the ordinary principles of reality. Most people learn to wake themselves up during REM sleep. This is easiest to do by making a dream journal, identifying patterns in dreams, and learning to distinguish dreams from reality with these patterns. In addition, regularly asking yourself “am I dreaming?” and then trying to do something that is only possible in dreams (like flying, or looking at a scene and then looking back (dreams have a continuous nature to them so scenes change in between viewing them in dreams as we cannot hold a consistent model of reality) and seeing if it is constant or changing) to check to see if you are dreaming. Eventually, if you do this often enough, you will begin to question if you are lucid while you are dreaming. It becomes a consistent habit. This is how you attain lucidity, by learning to distinguish dreams from reality and learning to automatically question which one you are experiencing at the moment.

Realization is different from the other techniques mentioned. In realization, we bring our internal world in focus while we are immersed in our daily life. We learn to keep an intermittent eye on our changing thoughts and ideas inside of our head. We learn to notice when something in our daily life reminds us of a pattern or theme for something else (in this instance, Twin Peaks) That is the final exercise. Learn to keep the mental space you’ve developed for contemplation active in your daily life. It will run and exist and form connections and insight as you go about your day. Question anything that reminds you of your internal world and wonder why you are reminded of that. By keeping our internal mental space active, we bring the atmosphere of that place into our daily awareness. This leads to a deepening of the vividness of our emotions, and bathes our experience in a distinctive atmosphere - a changeable frame that is updated in response to our thoughts and experiences.

The esoteric

Twin Peaks is an especially fascinating show because there is a mundane explanation for all of it. That explanation generally boils down to: the supernatural or weird element of the show is used as a curtain so to speak, a metaphor for different forms of death, organized crime, the compartmentalization of the personality and other nuanced psychological experiences, and the unexplained element of the world. Bob could be a metaphor for the murderous instinct within Leland, and within others, that is especially prone to being released while under the influence of substances like cocaine. Dougie/Cooper’s weird experiences in the third season could be a metaphor for the personality compartmentalization between someone who has a job, a family, and an organized crime life. Many of the weird elements could be explained as a metaphor for some unseen element of Ben Horne et al’s organized crime empire.

I think that’s what Twin Peaks- and an occult consideration of this show- teaches us above all else. There is wonder to be had in life. Even if that wonder is ultimately explainable, isn’t real life fascinating? Isn’t explaining the unexplained a sublime pleasure - one that reveals more questions after the answers. The great investigation is a recurring theme in this show. Cooper’s investigation; understanding the details of Laura’s murder which are never fully shown; investigating Cooper’s disappearance from society. The great investigation is a recurring trope for a reason, and this show deconstructs it for what it is: the investigation of the unknown, an investigation launched, ultimately, because of our inherent anxiety of death. Curiosity, passion, wonder, and a bold exploration of mystery are foundational human experiences that make and break us. They are life.

The way we interpret the world is our own personal framework. There is no higher guide than yourself. There is no accountability to anyone other than yourself. If you choose to hold something above you, it changes the way you relate with external reality on a fundamental level. That may not be bad; this could be a way of inspiring oneself to work towards a higher ideal.

Garmonbozia

In Fire Walk With Me, we see this word. Garmonbozia. A word that supposedly symbolizes all of the world’s suffering and torment. The snuff film. Likely this may be a metaphor for people’s fascination with watching death and misery, a comment on a regularly occuring element/fascination/fixture of human nature.

The things we focus on. When we read something into a show- and this can take many forms, it can mean that we relate to something, that something attracts our curiosity or derision, or we see a message from a higher power about something relevant to our life- we are communicating with ourselves. We are projecting our own internal world, our own systems of meaning onto the external. We truly cannot touch the external. We are captive within our internal universe, creating within ourselves to approximate some sort of means with which we may affect the world around ourselves. We never truly break free from our trapped consciousness, but the way we relate to and interact with the world creates an impression that lives in and of itself. It lives in the chain of reactions that are caused by every action. It lives in the way our actions affect the personal development, in whatever big or small way, of all who perceive them.

Our internal universe, our memory, and our interactions with the external world completely define ourselves. The world we see when we engage with or create a work of art says everything about that person. We understand the world entirely through this projection. Being intimately familiar with the way we project our internal world onto the external world can give us insight into ourselves. Why do we relate to that element? What gives us meaning? What provokes this or that response? What themes call to us?

Twin Peaks is an incredible show. It plays ambiguity wonderfully. People tend to see very different things into the various twists and turns of this show. Understanding your personal symbolism gives you power over meaning itself.

#twin peaks #pop culture magick #chaos magick #discordian #left hand path #occult #witch #witchcraft #hedgewitch #dream work #lucid dreaming #astral projection #magick #pagan

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redantsunderneath · 3 years

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On Analysis Part 1 - Hermeneutics and Configurative reading (the “what” part)

“Without turning, the pharmacist answered that he liked books like The Metamorphosis, Bartleby, A Simple Heart, A Christmas Carol. And then he said that he was reading Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's. Leaving aside the fact that A Simple Heart and A Christmas Carol were stories, not books, there was something revelatory about the taste of this bookish young pharmacist, who ... clearly and inarguably preferred minor works to major ones. He chose The Metamorphosis over The Trial, he chose Bartleby over Moby Dick, he chose A Simple Heart over Bouvard and Pecouchet, and A Christmas Carol over A Tale of Two Cities or The Pickwick Papers. What a sad paradox, thought Amalfitano. Now even bookish pharmacists are afraid to take on the great, imperfect, torrential works, books that blaze a path into the unknown. They choose the perfect exercises of the great masters. Or what amounts to the same thing: they want to watch the great masters spar, but they have no interest in real combat, when the great masters struggle against that something, that something that terrifies us all, that something that cows us and spurs us on, amid blood and mortal wounds and stench.” ― Roberto Bolano, 2666

Much of the background for this post in particular comes from Paul Fry’s Yale lecture course about the theory of literature. This is a great starting course for interpretation and textual analysis and, yes, film and TV shows are text.

In futzing around with this stuff, what am I doing? Less charitably, what do I think I’m even trying to do, here? Many feel that applying theory to art and entertainment is as pretentious as the kind of art or entertainment that encourages it. It’s understandable. Many examples of analysis are garbage and even people capable of good work get going in the wrong direction due to fixations or prejudices they aren’t even aware of and get swept away by the mudslide of enthusiasm into the pit of overreach. That’s part of the process. But this stuff has an actual philosophical grounding, so let’s start by looking at the stories history of trying to figure out “texts.”

Ideas about the purpose of art, what it means to be an author, and how it is best to create go back to the beginning of philosophy but (outside of some notable examples) there is precious little consideration of the reception of art and certainly not a feeling that it was a legitimate field of study until more recently. The Greeks figured the mind would just know how to grok it because what it was getting at was automatically universal and understanding was effortless to the tune mind. But the idea that textual analysis should be taken seriously began with the literal texts of the Torah (Rabbinical scholarship) and then the Bible, but mostly in closed circles.

Hermeneutics as we know it began as a discipline with the Protestant Reformation since the Bible was now available to be read. Sooooo, have you read it? It’s not the most obvious or coherent text. Reading it makes several things clear about it: 1. It is messy and self contradictory; 2. A literal reading is not possible for an honest mind and isn’t advisable in any event; 3. It is extremely powerful and mysterious in a way that makes you want to understand, your reach exceeding your grasp. This is like what I wrote about Inland Empire - it captures something in a messy, unresolvable package that probably can’t be contained in something clear and smooth. This interpretive science spread to law and philosophy for reasons similar to it’s roots in text based religion - there was an imperative to understand what was meant by words.

Hans-Georg Gadamer is the first to explicitly bring to bear a theory of how we approach works. He was a student of Martin Heidegger, who saw the engagement with “the thing itself” as a cyclic process that was constructive of meaning, where we strive to learn from encounters and use that to inform our next encounter. Gadamer applied this specifically to how we read a text (for him, this means philosophical text) and process it. Specifically he strove to, by virtue of repeated reading and rumination which is informed by prior readings (on large and small scales, even going back and forth in a sentence), “align the horizons” of the author and the reader. The goal of this process is to arrive at (external to the text) truth, which was for him the goal of the enterprise of writing and reading to begin with. This is necessary because the author and reader both carry different preconceptions to the enterprise (really all material and cultural influences on thinking) that must be resolved.

ED Hirsch had a lifelong feud with Gadamer over this, whipping out Emanuel Kant to deny that his method was ethically sound. He believed that to engage in this activity otherizes and instrumentalizes the author and robs them of them being a person saying something that has their meaning, whether it is true or false. We need to get what they are laying down so we can judge the ideas as to whether they are correct or not. It may be this is because he wasn’t that sympathetic a reader - he’s kind of a piece of work - and maybe his thheory was an excuse to act like John McLaughlin. He goes on to have a hell of a career fucking up the US school system

But it’s Wolfgang Iser that comes in with the one neat trick which removes (or at least makes irrelevant) the knowability problem, circumvents the otherizing problem, and makes everything applicable to any text (e.g. art, literature) by bringing in phenomenology, specifically Edmund Husserl’s “constitution” of the world by consciousness. It makes perfect sense to bring phenomenology into interpretive theory as phenomenology had a head start as a field and is concerned with something homologous - we only have access to our experience of <the world/the text> and need to grapple with how we derive <reality/meaning> from it. Husserl said we constitute reality from the world using our sensory/cognitive apparatus, influenced by many contingencies (experiential, cultural, sensorial, etc) but that’s what reality is and It doesn’t exist to us unbracketed. Iser said we configure meaning from the text using our sensory/cognitive apparatus, influenced by many contingencies (experiential, cultural, sensorial, etc) but that’s what meaning is and It doesn’t exist to us unbracketed. Reality and meaning are constructed on these contingencies, and intersubjective agreement is not assured.

To Iser, we create a virtual space (his phrase) where we operate processes on the text to generate a model what the text is saying, and this process has many inputs based on our dataset external to the text (not all of which is good data) as well as built in filters and mapping legends based on our deeper preconceptions (which may be misconceptions or “good enough” approximations). Most if this goes on without any effort whatsoever, like the identification of a dog on the street. But some of it is a learned process - watch an adult who has never read comics try to read one. These inputs, filters, and routers can animate an idea of the author in the construct, informing our understanding based on all sorts of data we happen to know and assumptions about how certain things work.

This is reader response theory, that meaning is generated in the mind by interaction with the text and not by the text, though Stanley Fish didn’t accent the “in the mind part” and name the phenomenon until years later. Note that Gadamer is largely prescriptive and Hirsch is entirely prescriptive while Iser is predominantly descriptive. He’s saying “this is how you were doing it all along,” but by being aware of the process, we can gain function.

For those keeping score: 1. Gadamer, after Heidegger’s cyclic process at constructing an understanding of the thing itself, centers on a point between the author and reader and prioritizes universal truth. 2. Hirsch, after Kant’s ethical stand on non instrumentalization, centers on hearing what the author is saying and prioritizes the judging the ideas. 3. Iser, after Husserl’s constituted reality, centers on configuring a multi-input sense of the text within a virtual (mental) space and prioritizes meaning.

Everything after basically comes out of Iser and is mostly restatement with focusing/excluding of elements. The 20th century mindset, from the logical positivists to Bohr’s view that looking for reality underlying the wave form was pointless, had a serious case of God (real meaning, ground reality) is dead. W.K. Wimsatt and M. C. Beardsley’s intentional fallacy, an attempt to caution interpreters to steer clear of considering what the god-author meant, begat death of the author which attempted to take the author entirely out of the equation - it was less likely you’d ever understand the if you focused on that! To me, this is corrective to trends at the time and not good praxis - it excludes natural patterns of reading in which the author is configured, rejects potentially pertinent data, and limits some things one can get out of the text.

Meanwhile formalism/new criticism (these will be discussed later in a how section) focused on just what was going on in the text with as few inputs as possible, psychoanalytics and historicism looked to interrogate the inputs/filters to the sense making process, postmodernism/deconstruction attacked those inputs/filters making process questioning whether meaning was not just contingent but a complete illusion, and critical studies became obsessed with specific strands of oppression and hegemony as foundational filters that screw up the inputs. But the general Iser model seems to be the grandfather of everything after.

Reader intersubjectivity is an area of concern. In the best world, the creation of art is in part an attempt to find the universal within the specific, something that resonates and speaks to people. A very formative series of David Milch lectures (to me at least) proffer that if you find a scene, idea, whatever, that is very compelling to you, your job is to figure out what in it is “fanciful” (an association specific to you) and how to find and bring out the universal elements. But people’s experiences are different and there be many ideas of what a piece of art means without there being a dominant one. So the building of models within each mind leaves a lot to consider as the final filtered input is never quite the same. There is a lot of hair on this dog (genres engender text expectations that an author can subvert by confusing the filter, conflicting input can serve a purpose, the form of a guided experience can be a kind of meaning, on and on ad nauseum)

The ultimate question, you might ask, is why we need to do this at all. I mean, I understood Snow White perfectly fine as a kid. There’s no “gap” that needs to be leaped. The meaning of the movie is evident enough on some level without vivisecting it. The Long answer to what we gain from looking under Snow’s skirt is the next episode. The short is: 1. You are doing it anyway. That Snow White thing, you were doing thhat to Snow White you just weren’t conscious of the process.

2. It’s fun. The process only puts a tool of enjoyment in your arsenal. You don’t have to use it all the time.

3. You’ll see stuff you like in new ways. The way Star Wars works is really interesting!

4. It may give dimensions to movies that are flawed or bad, and you might wind up liking them. Again, more to love.

5. It is sometimes necessary to get to a full (or any) appreciation of some complicated works as the most frustrating and resistant stuff to engage with is sometimes the most incredible.

6. It reinforces your involvement in something you like. It makes you more connected and more hungry, like any good exercise.

7. You can become more aware of what those preconceptions and biases are, which might give you insights in other areas of your life.

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iamjjmmma · 3 years

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My Own MBTI Test (Yes, You Can Call It JJ’s MBTI Test)

Usually, I only use this account for SU purposes. However, I don’t have any other ideas as to where to post this other than my own website I don’t have the time or mental wherewithal to create as of now, and I really don’t want it hanging around in my docs in the chance of being deleted.

Basically, I made this due to the idea that MBTI tests you can find on the Internet tend to be clunky and long. Sure, they allow for variety, which allows for complexity in discerning your personality, but this also makes for what can be a frustratingly long experience. That being said, because of this test’s binary nature, it may not be completely accurate. However, it will make an attempt to distinguish both your general MBTI type and your specific composition of each of the four letters. As usual, let me know if you find anything wrong with the test.

Without further ado, let’s begin. For ease of taking the test, you can copy and paste, open a new post, and then bold what applies to you before reblogging it. Make sure to credit me.

General (this is used to obtain your type. Because of the binary nature of types, you must pick the one that most closely applies to you).

It’s been a long, mind-numbing, draining day at work. Your friends call and ask you to join them for a night on the town, with them covering all the costs. What do you say?

A: “No, thank you!”. Then, you settle in for a nice night of watching movies, eating comfort food, and having a hot bath. (Introvert)

B: “Sure!”. You then have fun with your friends. (Extrovert)

Would you rather have a career in which you work with your...

A: Hands (Sensory)

B: Mind (iNtuitive)?

Head or heart?

A: Head (Thinking)

B: Heart (Feeling)

Would you say that you’re quick to jump to conclusions (this includes if you’re prone to saying, “I don’t know all the information and can’t form a perfect conclusion from that, BUT here’s the conclusion I do have…”), or is it more natural to you not to form an opinion until you’ve examined every possible source? Be honest.

A: The Former (Judging)

B: The Latter (Perceiving)

The capital letter at the beginning determines your type (except for iNtuitive). For example, if you picked B, B, B, A, then your letters would be E, N, F, and J (ENFJ). Go back through the test now, see what you picked, and write your letters down accordingly.

Now, if you’d like a specific composition of how introverted and extroverted you are, then you need to take four more tests. (Don’t worry, it’ll still be shorter, and easier, than the vast majority of MBTI tests you find online.)

The Introvert/Extrovert Composition Test:

Which would you prefer to do on the weekends with no prior plans?

A: Have a deep, personal, one-on-one day spent with your best friend

B: Have a fun, but not too personal, outing spent with a group of friends

Where are you more productive?

A: Someplace quiet

B: Someplace loud

How would you describe yourself in terms of your speech?

A: Reserved, taciturn, reticent

B: Outgoing, talkative, jovial

When you want a friendship, you..

A: Wait for someone to take the initiative for you, and then eagerly join that friendship

B: Take the initiative yourself

In general, which are you more prone to feeling in social situations?

A: Overwhelmed, overstimulated

B: Bored, understimulated

Where would you prefer to be?

A: In the background, where you can lie low

B: In the center of attention, where you can show off

How do you feel when talking to people you’ve never met before?

A: Awkward

B: Energized

You tend to get more joy out of...

A: Reading a book at home

B: Watching a movie at a movie theater

At work, you’re seen as someone who’s..

A: Timid and meek

B: Brash and perhaps seen by others as overbearing

Finally, in general, after social interaction, you feel...

A: Drained

B: Satisfied/wanting more

Obviously, if you chose A more often, you’re more introverted, and if you chose B more often, you’re more extroverted. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if you, in that ENFJ example, circle A 3 times and B 7 times, then your introvert/extrovert composition would be 30% introverted, 70% extroverted. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, don’t automatically assume you’re an ambivert. True ambiverts are in fact incredibly rare, and you’re better off going with what you chose on good ol’ question 10 to determine whether or not you’re an introvert or an extrovert. You just swing very slightly that way and may have ambiverted functions, that’s all. In addition, pure introverts and pure extroverts are incredibly rare, which means that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line: everyone has some introversion and some extroversion.)

The Sensory/iNtuition Composition Test

How well do you tend to remember events from your past?

A: Very well

B: Poorly

In general, do you focus on the here and now, or do you tend to get distracted by other timeframes?

A: Here and now

B: Other timeframes

Do you often dwell on the past?

A: No

B: Yes

Do you often dwell on the future?

A: No

B: Yes

Which of the following beliefs best applies to you?

A: “I am who I am thanks to the past, and there’s nothing I can do to change it.”

B: “Who I am now is who I am now. The past doesn’t matter.”

Your romantic relationships with others are mostly driven by?

A: Your differences from the other person

B: Your similarities to the other person

What grades did you/are you getting in school?

A: Mostly C’s, D’s, F’s

B: Mostly C’s, B’s, A’s

Someone who is fundamentally incompetent in your field, but very high-ranking, and someone who is very low-ranking, but is shown to be fundamentally very competent in skills related to your field, are both making conversation with you, acting very condescending in the process. Which one would you kick out of the room first?

A: The low-ranking one

B: The one who is fundamentally incompetent in your field

Would you describe yourself as more results-oriented or more process-oriented?

A: Process-oriented

B: Results-oriented

Finally, would you describe yourself as someone who prefers to be more concrete or more abstract?

A: Concrete

B: Abstract

Again, if you chose A more often, you’re more sensory, and if you chose B more often, you’re more intuitive. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if the ENFJ example chose A 1 time and B 9 times, then their sensory/intuitive composition would be 10/90. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, you’re in the right for assuming that you’re an even split between the both of them… in fact, this is the most common even split in all of these tests, and, surprisingly, these won’t fundamentally affect your personality in any drastic way. You simply prefer to have a completely even balance of sensory input and intuition. In addition, pure sensors and pure intuitives are incredibly rare, which means that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line, just like in the introverted/extroverted test: everyone has some sensory and some intuitive preferences.)

The Thinking/Feeling Test. Possibly the easiest test you’ll take among these four.

You have an unlikely dream you want to pursue, such as being a famous musician without any income to help get you off the ground. Do you pursue it?

A: No

B: Yes

Would you rather be in a relationship with someone who’s guaranteed to give you a financially stable existence or be in a relationship with someone that you’re completely, utterly, madly in love with?

A: The former

B: The latter

Your business is doing poorly, and one of your employees is in danger of being laid off. You have just enough money in your bank account to keep him afloat in your company, but that’s just about all the money that you have. What do you do?

A: Fire him. It’s the tough choice, but the choice you’ll have to make for the good of everyone involved, including the employee.

B: Give him the money. It’s what he would’ve done for you, and there’s always ways to find more money through your family and friends.

Would you rather be alone forever or settle with a partner who is less than ideal for you?

A: Be alone forever

B: Settle for a partner who is less than ideal for me

Your friends invite you for a surprise trip across the country, visiting all of the places on everyone’s bucket list! However, this will require you taking 3-4 weeks off of work, as well as paying for all of your travel expenses, and perhaps some of your friends’, out of pocket. What do you do?

A: Decline the offer.

B: Accept the offer.

How do you react when you’re grieving?

A: I do my best to suppress my emotions and get myself and my family out of this crisis. I can go through my emotions later.

B: Go through my emotions as soon as I can. The sooner I do that, the sooner I can move on and help others move on as well.

Would you describe yourself as more liberal or conservative? (If you’re a centrist, just pick the closest one you lean to.)

A: Conservative

B: Liberal

Do you believe in soulmates?

A: No- there are over 4 billion adults on this planet. Statistically, there’s no way I can possibly meet them all, let alone whittle it down to the one person out of everyone who’s most ideal for me.

B: Yes, of course! Why else would someone choose to spend the rest of their lives with someone else?

It’s a Saturday night, you’re exhausted, and all you want to do is watch a movie. Which genre do you pick?

A: Something thought-provoking and based off of real events and concepts, such as a documentary or movies based on a true story.

B: Something unrealistic, but always sends you over the moon, such as a comedy or a romance.

Finally, what would you say personally rules over you the most?

A: My head

B: My heart

Again, if you chose A more often, you’re more thinking, and if you chose B more often, you’re more feeling. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if the ENFJ example chose A 5 times and B 5 times, then their thinking/feeling composition would be 50/50. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, you’re in the right for assuming that you’re an even split between the both of them… in fact, this is the second most common even split in all of these tests, and, surprisingly, these won’t fundamentally affect your personality in any drastic way. You simply prefer to have a completely even balance of being ruled by logic and being ruled by your emotions. In addition, pure thinkers and pure feelers are incredibly rare and are more caricatures than anything, which means that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line, just like before- everyone is ruled to some capacity by logic, and to some capacity by their emotions.)

Finally, the Judging/Perceiving Composition Test.

You’ve just woken up in the morning, and you’re deciding what to do for the day. What are you most likely to do?

A: Make a to-do list

B: Just stay in tune with yourself and do whatever you’d like to do

You’ve just planned a trip to the East Coast, but a hurricane suddenly hits, as it often does, and all your plans for what you’re going to do for these next three days are ruined. How do you react to this?

A: With anger, constantly checking in to see if the hurricane will end, and making plans B, C, and D

B: In stride- hey, there was always a chance this could happen, and besides, this is a chance to stay in and play board games!

How do you approach work?

A: As work. Play can be saved for later.

B: As play- sometimes, I make it a game to see how quickly I can do tasks, see how many coffee breaks I can take without others noticing, or see what potential pranks i can lay on people.

In terms of priorities, how do you approach work?

A: Work is always first-priority. That way, what I want to do can be saved for later without further interruptions.

B: Work is always as far back in the priority list as possible- I don’t want to be a killjoy.

A new goal appears in front of you. How blind are you to things such as your immediate surroundings, new information, and the names and details of new people that come across you during this time?

A: Very

B: Not very much so; I can keep everything scoped in front of me

How do others tend to perceive you?

A: No-nonsense, structured, and rigid

B: Flexible, relaxed, and open for anything

Which of the following is closest to your work style?

A: In long-term efforts, with short breaks in between

B: In short bursts, with long breaks in between

An approaching deadline looms for one of your school assignments. What is your reaction?

A: Calm...I’ve done this assignment two weeks ago, and can now work ahead to work due later this month.

B: Panic...I’ve only gotten this halfway done, and I only have a few hours to do the rest!

Do you tend to make decisions the moment they’re needed?

A: Yes

B: No- often, I’m so busy sorting through the given information that I miss it when it happens

Finally, do you see yourself as someone who quickly makes judgements on certain issues, or someone who takes care to view every side of the argument before voicing an opinion?

A: The former

B: The latter

Again, if you chose A more often, you’re more judging, and if you chose B more often, you’re more perceiving. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if the ENFJ example chose A 7 times and B 3 times, then their judging/perceiving composition would be 70/30. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, you’re in the right for assuming that you’re an even split between the both of them… in fact, this is the third most common even split in all of these tests. However, this will end up changing your personality drastically, and may change most of your functioning style to the point where people sometimes see you as unpredictable or chaotic. In addition, pure judgers and pure perceivers are actually somewhat common. However, you should also take into consideration if that happens that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re still probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line, just like before- everyone judges, and everyone perceives.)

#mbti #personality test #i'm an estj #let me know what you guys got!

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raqnguyen · 3 years

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The Dragon Game, Book 1, Chapter 1 (Prologue)

Mono opened his eyes and saw nothing but black. It was a bright type of black, maybe better described as an extremely dark gray. The monotony of the color made it hard to perceive depth. He couldn’t tell if he was in a room or not, whether there was a wall near or far.

Where was he? Was this a dream? He looked around but only saw the same gray in all directions. He guessed it was a dream — though he’d never experienced one this lucid before. That was the last time he ate Smith’s cookies before bedtime, he vowed. This dream was trippy on an entirely different level.

Wasn’t something supposed to happen? It was so quiet that Mono could hear his own heartbeat. The quiet drum gradually grew louder and faster as he continued to search for something that could help him orientate himself. The lack of sensory input made the atmosphere feel cramped, quickly growing claustrophobic, and he hated the feeling of being trapped.

“Let there be light,” he joked out loud. It was both a joke and wishful thinking; anything to break the silence and lighten the mood. There was a slight echo but not enough to help him determine anything about his surroundings. What was this place? Mono was getting a bit panicked now. He really, really hated the feeling of being trapped.

Suddenly, a bright light flashed and a woman appeared wearing a white dress. She was floating, gradually descending with her eyes closed and arms outstretched as if in imitation of angels found in paintings. She spoke in a light yet serious tone.

“Hello Yamada, and welcome to Passing. Unfortunately, you died saving that girl from the automobile accident.”

As her descent brought her closer, Mono could make out more details about her. She looked to be about his age and wasn’t actually in a dress. It was a white, flowing garment with a golden sash of cloth tied around the waist – probably a gofuku or kimono, though he wasn’t too sure about oriental fashion and their semantics. She was beautiful, but in a way that made him uneasy. Her face was completely symmetrical down to the tiniest detail. It made her look pretty but alien. Like something trying to be human; a painted face on an image.

“We, the spirits and deities of Japan, noticed your courageous act and would like to reward you with a choice while also submitting a request. You see, Yamada Taro, we –”

“Excuse me, but I think you have the wrong guy. And I’m pretty sure I’m still alive.”

When she had first started talking, he hadn’t registered what she was saying. The sudden appearance and her appearance itself caught him off guard. But when Mono heard her call him “Yamada” again, he couldn’t help but speak up. She scowled at being interrupted and opened up her eyes before gawking at the sight of him.

“You’re not dead!”

“Yeah, that’s what being alive means – though I know a few classmates who’d argue otherwise.”

“Th-this is impossible,” she stammered, her tone no longer as formal as before. “No living person should be able to get here. How did you?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I was hoping that you could tell me. Who are you? Where are we?”

“This is Tsūka, a place where the dead go before moving on into the afterlife. My name is Sojourn, and I’m a greater Dōsojin who is in charge of this portion of the Passing in Japan. I don’t know how you’re still alive, Yamada, but you were brought here so that we, the spirits and deities of Japan, could both reward you with a choice while also submitting a request.”

This didn’t seem like a dream anymore; she was too real, too concise, and too loud. But this couldn’t be real either, the situation was exactly like a Japanese cartoon he had watched a while back. The main character, a boy who dies in a car accident trying to save a girl, meets a goddess in the afterlife and is sent off on an adventure to another world instead of remaining dead. He didn’t know what to think.

“I was getting to this before you had rudely interrupted, but we actually –”

“Look, I really think you have the wrong guy.” Mono spoke up again without waiting for her to finish. “My name isn’t Yamada Taro, it’s Mono Somnium. I’m not even from Japan.”

“Are you sure?” Her question was so forceful it took him aback. How could he not be sure? Maybe this really was a dream and Mono was supposed to follow along. No, dream or not, following the script meant that he would be sent to some other world or dimension. On the off chance that this was real, Mono refused to leave his current life behind; he had just gotten it figured out after years of struggling.

“Yeah, can’t you tell?” Mono asked. “We aren’t even speaking Japanese.”

“I’m a Dōsojin,” she reminded him. “I can communicate with people of all languages.”

Oh, that explained a lot. As they had been speaking, the uneasy feeling inside of Mono kept growing. Now he knew why. She had been speaking in Japanese to him and he had understood the meaning of her words without actually knowing a speck of the language. When she had said Dōsojin, Mono immediately understood that she was a Japanese god of travelers – specifically, she was a goddess of foreign travelers. This also explained why he kept hearing the name Tsūka and the word Passing interchangeably. A chill ran down Mono’s spine. The reality of his situation was starting to sink in.

“That’s awesome, and this has been a really interesting experience,” Mono began. “But since I’m clearly not who you think I am and this wasn’t meant for me, I’d like to go back now or wake up. Whatever is convenient for y–”

“That’s not possible,” Sojourn cut in.

Mono’s palms started sweating and his heartbeat, which had slowed down after she had shown up and saved him from that swallowing emptiness, started racing. He felt trapped.

“What do you mean?”

“Tsūka is a place of passing,” she explained. “If you enter here, you have to leave a different way you came. Normally, I’d offer the choices of either entering the afterlife or going to a different world. But since you’re alive, you don’t get a choice. You have to go.”

“Can’t I just pass over to the new world for a brief second and then come back?” Mono agitatedly asked.

She shook her head. “Passing between worlds is extremely difficult and can only happen once every twelve full moons. Once you go through, you’d be stuck until this time next year.”

That was not what he wanted to hear. Mono could feel his chest start tightening, he almost couldn’t breathe. This was really bad. What was he going to do now? He was going to lose everything and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Don’t worry!” Sojourn had noticed his anxiety and tried reassuring him. “In a year's time I can call you back here and you can go back. That’s not too bad right? Spending a year away from boring, normal life in a world with magic?”

The tightening eased up a little. “Magic?” He repeated.

She smiled. “Yeah, magic! It’s not like the magic you find in most books on Earth either. It’s unique for everyone and changes based on their perceptions, beliefs, and values. The world you’re going to is one of infinite possibility – especially for someone from Earth where encountering creative writing on a daily basis is normal. You won’t be able to do anything at first but you will once you get the hang of it.”

Mono loved stories. When he was younger and before life had taken a hard twist, he used to read as many fantasy stories as possible. His mother had once scolded him for trying to sell his clothes on the internet so that he could buy more books. He couldn’t help himself, the worlds he read were amazing and kept him up late at night thinking about the “what if”s that they created. What could he do there? Would he be able to fly? Fling spells from wands like his favorite characters? Mono stood there for a moment imagining the possibilities.

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.” He said at last.

“Great!” Her smile grew wider. “I’ll just finish the process and you’ll be on your –”

“Wait.” She frowned as Mono interrupted her yet again. “How will I speak with people I meet? Doesn’t this world have different languages?”

She scrunched her face in annoyance. “I almost forgot about that. You’re right, and I normally give people who decide to go my blessing so that they can talk to people like I do. I’ll do it right now by putting my symbol on the side of your forehead.”

Sojourn raised her arm, her index finger pointed at Mono, and began to walk towards him. Instinctively, Mono took several steps backwards.

“What’s wrong now?” She huffed.

“Can you put it on an item or something?” Mono asked. “And make some way so that I can toggle it off to be more immersed in the languages of people I meet.”

The truth was, Mono hated being touched. It didn’t matter if they were average or attractive, no one touched him and especially not his face. He knew he couldn’t say that to her though, because he was certain that would have offended her somehow. So instead, he said the first thing that popped into his head to get out of that awkward situation.

Sojourn gave him a hard look and stared at him for a few moments. At last she raised her hand and light began to coalesce in her palm. It grew so bright that Mono had to look away until it dimmed. When he looked back, a white stone sat in the palm of her hand. Sojourn extended the stone to Mono and he took it.

“I’m a goddess of Japan, so my presence in the other world is limited,” she warned him. “If you lose that stone, I won’t be able to locate you to send you back.”

“Got it.” The stone was pure white which contrasted with the dark gray surroundings and was slightly warm to the touch. Mono pocketed it and looked back at Sojourn.

“Anything else?” She asked. “No more last-second interruptions or unexpected reveals?”

Mono shook his head.

“Well then, good luck on your journey and see you in a month’s time.” She snapped her fingers and a glowing circle formed around Mono’s feet.

A month’s time? How would she see him in a month when it was supposed to be a year? Actually, what about his clothes? He was still only wearing the clothes he slept in before all of this happened.

“Wait! I did forget somethi–” Mono was quickly cut off as the world turned from dark gray to pitch black. He lost consciousness.

#fiction #writing #fiction writing #my story #fiction story #fantasy

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book-of-curse · 4 years

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The Twin Peaks Guide to the Occult [1]

Introduction

Hi, I’m Astora Diam. Twin Peaks is a show that is very sentimental to me. It speaks to my soul. It is a show that tells the story of my life. I’ve had a pretty weird life. This guide will show you how to use occult techniques to question the world around you.

A Modern Conceptualization of Magick

The Components of Narrative

+ Plot

+ Theme, symbolism, and higher meaning

+ Character

+ Setting and knowledge about this other world

A Momentary Existence in the Form of Twin Peaks

Dreams

#witchcraft #magick #twin peaks #occult #pop culture magick #psychomancy

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neurodiversenerd · 5 years

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How to Include Autistic Women in Your Feminism

Hey, given that this is an activist post, I might be mentioning certain issues that might be triggering to some. Check the tags and stay safe. Ily. ❤️

Ever since activist and feminist Audre Lorde devised intersectionality as a way of describing the experience of multiply-marginalized women, feminism has adapted to include women of color, trans women, queer women, disabled women and religious minority women. Although white, non-intersectional feminism is still pervasive and is the dominant ideology carried on by cishet white women, a significant portion of the feminist movement has embraced the identities and diversity among various groups of women.

Intersectionality allows for us to look at the various ways womanhood affects those experiencing it, instead of just slapping one catch all experience of femininity onto all women. It lets us understand that a woman of color, for example, has less amounts of racial privilege than a white woman and must deal with the burden of specific stereotypes around being a woman of color. Intersectional feminism centers the women with multiple identities, or “intersections,” that society considers unfavorable or marginalized.

However, with all the strides intersectional theory has made in social justice circles, the plight of Autistic women is largely ignored by even the most inclusive feminist circles.

Disabled women as a broader group are often lumped together, even though cognitively disabled, intellectually disabled and physically disabled women contend with incredibly different forms of ableism. Alternatively, the feminist movement also tends to cater to physically disabled women who often have more visibility (which, granted, isn’t a lot) and acceptance than those whose minds are thought to be lesser.

It’s common in the disabled community for people to justify their humanity by asserting their neurotypicality, while erasing and oppressing non-neurotypicals. The pro-Autistic movement itself is mostly made up of women, queer individuals and people of color, and yet somehow it always ends up headed by cis white men. In both feminism and Autistic advocacy, women (especially ones with multiple intersections) are ignored and pushed to the sidelines despite typically facing greater oppression than cis autistic men.

Thus, it’s important to make sure to be inclusive towards autistic women and GNC individuals in both feminism and disabled activism. Here are some ways that I’ve compiled on how to make your feminism both inclusive and accepting as a queer, Autistic feminist.

1. Mention Autistic Women and Bodily Autonomy

Women’s rights to their bodies are an important topic to discuss in feminism, but Autistic women deal with specific challenges in regard to consent and access to care and their bodies, so it’s important to bring up these issues in your discussions.

For starters, the court case Buck v. Bell still stands to this day. The case itself took place in the early 20th century during the eugenicist movement, and the court’s ruling allowed the forced sterilization of anyone labeled feebleminded. It’s legal for parents and guardians of the disabled to sign paper and sterilize anyone under their control regardless of whether the person in question consent to it even now. This is especially unsettling for women of color, who have historically been abused by eugenicist doctors. (See The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and the book Imbeciles for more information on these topics).

In the medical industry, there are also barriers Autistic women must deal with. Today, there are still ableist debates about whether Autistic and other disabled people deserve emergency medical treatment and organ transplants. Once again, this is especially bad for women of color who deal with medical abuse and malpractice committed against them in modern times.

The gist is, the most vulnerable Autistic women often don’t have the ability to consent to harmful and damaging procedures.

For transgender Autistic women, the burden is tenfold. Many Autistic trans people on social media have shared their stories about how people struggled to believe that they were trans because of their neurological difference. This makes transitional care and access much harder for GNC Autistic people and trans people, as their gender identity is viewed as a symptom.

2. Talk About Consent

Along with consent to medical procedures, there’s also the fact that Autistic women are particularly vulnerable to the whims of violence against women. Here are some ideas to mention when talking about consent.

First off, many Autistic women use alternative methods of communication. Neurotypical women can usually say an explicit ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ though they still face violence. For Autistic women who are nonverbal and communicate through AAC, in a victim blaming culture such as ours their hindered ability to consent can be used against them.

Through ABA therapy, Autistic women are also further taught that their ‘no’ doesn’t matter. True ABA therapy, created by Ivar Lovaas, is essentially legal conditioning. The aim of this psychological form of abuse is to train Autistic children into seeming more Neurotypical instead of embracing their unique neurology and changing their environment to fit their needs. These kids are taught to obey authority at all times, or else they’ll deal with the use of an aversiv e. This of course, discourages their active consent to a situation and puts Autistic women in a dangerous position.

If they are physically as well as cognitively disabled, they may not physically be able to resist or run from an attacker. In many cases, an incidence of assault is justified by the perpetrator claiming that the victim wouldn’t have had a consensual encounter otherwise because they are “ugly” or unworthy of a healthy relationship. Autistic women are often considered to be such..

Trans women and women of color, who are often assaulted more frequently than cis white, women are of course very vulnerable when it comes to this issue. As such, it’s vital to mention this at any discussion of consent.

3. Know that Toxic Femininity Affects Us More than Neurotypical Women

To preface this, I want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being feminine. I myself identify as a femme woman, out of my own personal fashion sense and aesthetic. I like being a feminine woman and wearing dresses and having long hair, though these also aren’t the only ways to be feminine, of course. Embracing femmeness does not mean that someone is servicing the patriarchy, and embracing androgyny and/or butchness also doesn’t mean said person has internalized misogyny. Everyone is entitled to the way they want to present, and feminism should be about uplifting how people choose to present themselves instead of putting down women they don’t think look “liberated” or “feminist” enough.

That being said, the patriarchy tends to enforce feminine roles on cis women and police the feminine expression of transwomen to make them “prove” they’re really trans and “sure” about being women. I like to call this “Toxic Femininity,” the way that women are pressured to conform to Eurocentric femininity regardless of how they actually want to present, but then oppressed for both their femmeness or their alternate presentation if they disregard the aforementioned. Either way, women can’t win.

Abiding by gender roles is exhausting for anyone, but for Autistic women who have limited energy to go into their daily activities and deal with sensory issues and neurotypicals. As such, gender presentation is often pretty low on our list of priorities. Autistic women are often unable to conform to society as our hindered social skills prevent us from perceiving these norms. It’s hard for us to fully conceptualize what’s acceptable and what’s not. As such, it takes extra effort for us to live up to Toxic Femininity.

With our sensory perception, certain clothes are uncomfortable for us and it’s sometimes a necessity to wear certain textures. Men’s clothing or androgynous clothing are often more comfortable, so it’s not uncommon to find us wearing those. As such, we are often labeled butch or non-femme regardless of how we actually identify our presentation. We are cast aside by Toxic Femininity.

This is of course, even more true for fat women, trans women, and physically disabled Autistic women, who’s bodies already don’t abide by the unattainability that Toxic Femininity forces us to live up to.

4. Downplay the Voice of Neurotypicals in Autistic Women’s Issues

Despite their position of being privileged oppressors of the Autistic community, most of our advocacy is done by parents and relatives of Autistic people who believe that they are more entitled to our community and voices. They are the “Autism moms” and those with blue puzzle piece signs in their backyards, constantly yelling over us.

Most of the Autism organizations are run by these people, who often don’t consult with Autistic people about the needs of our community. Even though most of them don’t think they hate Autistic people and may even share common goals with the community, they still oppress us because they’re centering the voices of the privileges instead of the voices that are affected no matter how supportive they are.

An Autistic inclusive feminist space means downplaying Neurotypical rhetoric, meaning stopping the use of hate symbols like puzzle pieces and functioning labels. Cut out the influence of ableist organizations and monitor the use of words like “retarded” in your space. This will be difficult in a pervasively ableist society, but it will be worth it in making a more united social justice movement.

It also means allowing Autistic people to have input in their own issues, and allowing them to reclaim their agency. Know that no matter how many Autistic people you know, if you’re Neurotypical, you will never truly experience being Autistic even if you know more about the condition.

5. Autistic Women Can Still be Racist, Homophobic, or Transphobic – Don’t Be Afraid to Let Them Know

There are usually 2 stereotypes Neurotypicals believe about us, and strangely enough, they’re complete opposites. We’re either hyperviolent, unfeeling school shooters to them or perfect innocent angels who never do anything wrong. Obviously, these are ableist because they assume that all Autistic people are the same, but most people tend to look at us as the latter stereotype because it’s more “politically correct” even though both viewpoints are hurtful in different ways.

As such, when Autistic people are genuinely oppressive, they aren’t held accountable. I’ve had interactions with homophobic Autistic people who accepted me for my Autism but not the fact that I was a girl who loved girls. I’ve met misogynist Autistic men who viewed me as an object and wouldn’t respect my boundaries and right to say ‘no’ to a relationship. As an Autistic white person, I myself hold institutional power over Autistic people of color and as such, am able to be racist.

Autistic people shouldn’t be given a free pass for their bigotry, and assuming that they should denies them their agency and oppresses others in that space.

Autistic women have a lot to contribute to feminism, and neurotypical women should allow them the opportunity to rise against their own oppression. Thanks for reading and for making your feminism inclusive –

Trust me, it means the world to us.

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daresplaining · 5 years

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A Daredevil Comics Introduction for MCU Fans

I imagine a lot of MCU Daredevil fans are feeling pretty lost right now. The first thing the Iron Fist twitter account did after the show ended was provide a link to the comics, and since the Daredevil account wasn’t kind enough to do the same, I wanted to put together some basic information for Netflix show fans who are unfamiliar with the comics and want to keep Daredevil in their lives post-cancellation!

To start, there are a few basic continuity/character differences you should know about:

1. Matt has beautiful red hair. (This isn’t an important detail, I just... wanted to make sure everybody knew). Sticking with the theme of superficiality, he’s also significantly taller than Foggy.

2. Foggy was one of the last people to find out about Matt being Daredevil (though he is currently one of the only people who knows, thanks to a recent universe-wide mindwipe). Foggy also didn’t grow up in Hell’s Kitchen. He is from out-of-state and from a semi-wealthy family. He has a crusading party-girl younger sister named Candace, and his biological mother is the ruthless attorney Rosalind “Razor” Sharpe, with whom he has a distant and shaky relationship.

3. Karen Page is sadly no longer living. She was killed by Bullseye during a 1998 story arc. She was also never a journalist; rather, she was at various points Nelson & Murdock’s office manager, an actress, a social activist, and a radio talk show host. She and Matt dated on-and-off for a very long time. Matt has also dated many, many other people, and most of his girlfriends have died/suffered horribly in his presence. He is currently (and uncharacteristically) single.

4. Conversely, Ben Urich is very much alive. He was one of the first people to figure out Daredevil’s secret identity, and this formed the basis of what became a long-held and emotional friendship. (However, thanks to the recent mindwipe mentioned above, he no longer knows.)

5. Elektra and Matt dated in college, where Elektra was a political science major. She was born and raised in Greece, and her father was a Greek diplomat. When he was killed thanks to Matt’s amateur heroics during a botched hostage situation, Elektra left the country and trained with both the Chaste and the Hand, which sent her down a painful path that molded her into the expert assassin she is today. She was killed by Bullseye back in the 80s, but she got better.

6. Matt is a swashbuckling, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants adrenaline junkie, which is why he’s called “the Man Without Fear” and... well... Daredevil. He chose/reclaimed the name Daredevil as an act of empowerment during his first superhero outing (“the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen” is not a thing in the comics). He became a superhero to avenge his father’s death, which occurred when Matt was in either college or law school, depending on which writer you ask. Both Matt and Foggy attended Jack Murdock’s final boxing match.

7. Matt is much more religious in the show than he has ever been in the comics, since in the show he was raised in a Christian orphanage and in the comics he was raised by his father. There are a few story arcs that depict him as religious, but they are vastly in the minority.

8. This is true in the show too, but since it was sometimes unclear, let me reiterate: Matt cannot see. He doesn’t perceive any light. All of his sensory input is non-visual. He has superhumanly-enhanced senses, and something he calls his “radar sense”. The actual nature and parameters of the radar sense vary between creative teams, but it’s best to think of it as something like echolocation. It allows Matt 360 degree perception of solid objects up a certain distance from him. He could clearly do this in the show too, but it was never actually mentioned.

I could keep going, since there are plenty of other differences, but you should be able to catch on without too much confusion!

Where Should I Start?

You should start with Matt’s origin story, since there are a few key differences from the show’s version (some of which I mentioned above). The very first issue of Daredevil is quite good. However, if you’re put off by 1960s comics, you don’t need to start from the beginning. A really good retelling that is modern reader-friendly is Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale’s Daredevil: Yellow. It covers all of the basics, and is a very nice read. You may also see people mention Frank Miller’s Man Without Fear mini-series. It’s also good, though PLEASE NOTE that it was intended to be an alternate version of the story, and thus isn’t entirely canon.

Once you have the origin down, you can move to the main series. Don’t be intimidated by the 55 years-worth of comics-- again, you DON’T need to start at the beginning, and you don’t have to read everything if you don’t want to. All huge, decades-spanning series like Daredevil are filled with different jumping-on points in order to remain accessible to new readers. This can sometimes create confusion-- Daredevil will have been re-started six times as of February 2019, so if you look for Daredevil #1 you’ll get a whole bunch of different issues. Each of these re-starts is generally referred to as a “volume”, and if you follow this blog you’ll notice mentions of Daredevil volume 1, volume 2, etc. For the purposes of simplicity, in this post I’ll just be identifying the volumes based on the year they began, because that’s how they’re labeled in Marvel Unlimited. Marvel Unlimited is Marvel’s official digital archive, to which I highly recommend subscribing if you’re interested in reading a lot of back issues. All of my comics links in this post will take you there.

There are two starting points in particular that I recommend. They are both very good, but they're tonally different, so you can pick whichever suits your personal preferences.

1. If you crave more of the gritty noir of the Netflix-verse, I recommend starting with Daredevil (1998) #26. This is the first issue of the main thread of Brian Michael Bendis’s run, which is a phenomenal run that provided tonal inspiration for the show. At that point in continuity, Matt is still recovering from Karen Page’s death. He and Foggy have started up a new iteration of Nelson & Murdock (there have been many) and are doing very well; the run starts with them winning a multi-million dollar court settlement. The other important piece of context for this first arc is that Wilson Fisk was shot in the head in a previous story, while left him blind and weakened his criminal empire. Bendis’s run is quite long and will lead you directly into Ed Brubaker’s, which picks up immediately afterward with issue #82 and is also very good.

2. If you want something a bit lighter and more swashbuckley, I recommend starting with Mark Waid’s run. It’s my personal favorite Daredevil run (and I like a lot of Daredevil, so that’s saying something), and it’s a great jumping-on point because it starts a new volume. It kicks off with Daredevil (2011) #1 and goes through #36-- at which point the comic got another new #1. Thus, Waid did a little mini-series called Daredevil: Road Warrior to bridge the two volumes, then carried on the story with Daredevil (2014) #1. Context for this run is a little weirder. Matt has just recently returned to NYC after getting possessed by a demon and then taking a mental vacation to get over it. Upon his return, he and Foggy rebuild Nelson & Murdock yet again, and Matt decides that after all of the pain and suffering he’s been through, he’s going to be happy and enjoy life no matter what. It’s also important to know that his secret identity is basically public knowledge at this point, since a newspaper got ahold of the information and outed him during Bendis’s run.

From there, there are any number of places you can go. Here is my big post that goes into more detail about other recommended and essential Daredevil reading! And if you’re looking for other characters and/or other specifically-themed reading guides, here is our whole archive so far. (I also have an Iron Fist blog-- bookoftheironfist.tumblr.com-- for anyone looking to break into that area of the comics.)

What’s Going On Right Now?

As of right now (December 2018), Matt is in an exciting position! The latest Daredevil run (AKA Daredevil (2015) or Daredevil volume 5) just ended with issue #612. Currently, Matt is in Marvel Knights 20th, which is a six-issue bi-weekly mini-series about an alternate universe-type situation in which the world has been made to forget superheroes. Matt, Frank Castle, Elektra Natchios, Bruce Banner, T’Challa, and various others have to regain their own memories and figure out what happened.

Then in January 2019, we’re getting a five-issue weekly (yes, that’s right, weekly) mini-series called Man Without Fear (not to be confused with Frank Miller’s Man Without Fear, which I mentioned earlier). This will be a retrospective, with each issue covering a different significant person/group of people in Matt’s life.

And as soon as that ends, in February 2019 the next volume of the main series will begin, with Daredevil (2019) #1! GET EXCITED!

Where Can I Get Comics?

I already mentioned Marvel Unlimited, which is attached to the Marvel website, through which you can purchase digital issues in addition to subscribing to the archive. Another great source for digital comics is Comixology (though sadly, just like everything else on the planet, it’s owned by Amazon). And of course, you can buy physical copies. Don’t hesitate to visit your local comic book store, because they are great resources and can also be nice places to connect with other fans. To find stores in your area, check Comic Shop Locator, and to make sure they’re good ones, check Hater-Free Wednesdays.

New comics come out on Wednesdays.

Other Daredevil Resources

manwithoutfear.com This is an invaluable resource for everything Daredevil-- information on each issue, up-to-date news, comic previews, creator interviews... everything. If you ever need to know what’s going on in the world of Daredevil, this is the place to go.

The Other Murdock Papers This is everything our blog pretends to be. Christine Hanefalk, who runs The Other Murdock Papers, is a Daredevil expert who has written essay after essay over the years on everything you can imagine, from detailed storyline analyses to tracking Matt’s shifting hair styles. She is a particular expert on his hypersenses, and her work formed the basis of our own understanding of Matt’s powers. Do yourself a favor and browse through this website. You won’t regret it.

Daredevil 101 @pluckyredhead is in the process of tirelessly summarizing every single Daredevil story arc. Go have a look!

And of course, never hesitate to ask if you have any questions or want more recommendations or advice. I love getting people into Daredevil comics-- they changed my life, and I hope they’ll do the same for others!

#Daredevil #Recommendations List

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bodyalive · 5 years

Photo

vivipiuomeno: Laurence Demaison ph. - Self portrait body water

From "Bookslut" Interview With Jeff Warren What's the origin of The Head Trip? From internal evidence, it seems to have been in the works for some time... The genesis of The Head Trip was an accident I had at 21, when I fell out of a tree and busted my neck on a street in Montreal. The hardest part of the recovery was psychological; when I returned to my studies I found I couldn’t write essays the way I once could. My style of processing had changed. My thinking went from being very linear and progressive to more lateral and associative. I don’t know how much of this interpretation is a flabby split-brain gloss on a problem I had long ago, but I can say that at the time I knew nothing about neurobiology, I only knew I couldn’t direct my attention the way I once could; the mental objects I did retrieve were often two preoccupations over from my main concern. It was like fishing for trout and hooking clams. My roommate tells me I used to bawl at my desk and moan about leaving “my brains on the road.” Eventually I developed a technique of color-coding my notes by tangent, so that when I veered off into 10 different tangents a day at the end of the week I could still string all the, say, purple tangents together into something like a coherent theme. After this transformation I became more attuned to inner experience. This was augmented by several years of tedious seasonal tree-planting work, where there was literally nothing to do for weeks on end but plant saplings, swat black flies and endure the shifting rhythms of my own shallow stream of consciousness. I became obsessed with how writers described the texture of everyday awareness, whether it was Edgar Allen Poe describing his sleep onset visions, David Foster Wallace on the fugue state of athletic absorption, or Annie Dillard talking about the unselfconscious moment. I began to collect these descriptions, with the vague idea that one day I would put together a taxonomy of elemental states of mind. A separate interest in the biological function of sleep led me into the fantastically variegated world of sleep and dreaming consciousness. In 2004 I started writing The Head Trip. ** Is it fair to say that a chief point of the book is to displace the mind/body (or, psychology/chemistry) distinction? On the one hand, almost all the science you describe is pretty nascent; on the other hand, it also seems as if they tend to point quite clearly to a reciprocal relationship between thoughts and chemicals. The chief point of the book is to re-empower the mind. The mind -- in the form of expectations, beliefs and, most optimistically, intention -- is a more-than-epiphenomenal driver of actual physical change in the body and brain. You can learn to create your own special effects. You have agency. As I write in the book, “this is both supremely hopeful and utterly depressing, since it means in nurturing, enlightened environments we may be able to cultivate whole new standards of mental health, but in violent, regressive environments we risk spawning awful new permutations of mental affliction. Technology -- that great onrushing field within which our minds are shaped -- compounds all of this, for better and for worse.” As far as the actual relationship between mind and body, that, thankfully, is still a mystery, despite the exaggerated claims of the neuro-reductos, whom I love, and the exaggerated claims of the quantum mysticos, whom I love. I guess the two other chief points of the book are: 1. to wake people up to the deliriously varied terrain of their nighttime lives, and 2. to help people look beyond black and white waking rationality, which turns out to be just one capacity on a very bright and colorful palette. Different states of consciousness seem to privilege different styles of knowledge. ** It turns out sleep is more interesting than we usually expect -- and that it even has a history! What are some key misconceptions about sleep? I would like to spiel about dreaming for a moment if you don’t mind. The writer Rodger Kamenetz tipped me off to a great Borges quote. Borges once wrote: “Lately I've been rereading psychology books, and I have felt singularly defrauded. All of them discuss the mechanisms of dreams or the subjects of dreams, but they do not mention, as I had hoped, that which is so astonishing, so strange -- the fact of dreaming.” The fact of dreaming. When you wake up in a dream and actually take a look around -- it’s bananas. It’s the absolute craziest goddamn thing in all of human life. Every night we beam down into an elaborate virtual world where we can pound the walls with our oven-mitt fists and sniff giant daisies and have elliptical conversations with archetypal bus drivers. From inside a dream there is nothing vague or washed out about the experience -- dreams are totally real, as real as getting off the plane in Lagos and ordering a beer from some guy at the side of the road. You are at this place -- you’re IN it! At the time it’s every bit as solid and real as waking. Except… and this is what’s so cool… except when you’re self-consciously aware inside the dream you can then squeeze up real close to the walls with your little magnifying glass and look for suture marks. You can conduct experiments. You come to realize that there is a set of laws operating in the dream world that is every bit as real as the laws of physics in the waking world. What are these laws? And why aren’t there as many scientists down here with their slide rules and theories as there are out there? We spend our lives in two worlds and yet we only pay attention to one of them -- the other is seen as an embarrassing curiosity, a forum for banality-rehearsal and botched sex. People protest: “but it’s not real, stop living in fantasy.” All experience is real. On the personal side, dreams reveal all kinds of junk about the self. On the scientific side, our dreams represent an unparalleled opportunity to examine the dynamics of consciousness. I mean think about it: without sensory input to dilute everything, you get consciousness in a pure culture. And it so happens that this pure culture -- The Dream -- runs like an underground creek beneath the waking world, muddying the ground in all kinds of interesting ways. And that’s just the conventional science. Who knows what else we may discover digging around in the dream world. For those interested in the wooly world of mind-matter speculation, the epistemological rabbit hole goes very deep indeed. This is going to sound hyperbolic but I really believe we’re at are at the dawn of a new age of scientific exploration. The external world is mapped; now the explorers are turning inward. The galleons have left port. They’re approaching a huge mysterious continent. They won’t be the first to arrive. There are paths already cut in the forest, where shamans and monks and others have set up outposts and launched their own expeditions into the interior. It’s a thrilling story, a lurid epic in the making, and yet almost no one has any idea it’s happening. As far as our misconceptions about sleep, I would say the biggest one is this idea that we lose consciousness when the lights go out. This couldn’t be further from the truth. At night consciousness just turns inside out. Instead of moving through a world constructed from sensory input, we move through a world constructed from memory and imagination. We do lose certain self-reflective properties, and -- critically -- our short-term memories are compromised so we don’t remember many of our experiences. But when you wake people up in the night most of them report some kind of mental activity -- either the strange snap-shot narratives of sleep onset, the fully immersive dreams of REM, or the low-level “mentation” of deep sleep. Even in the emptiest bliss-saturated realms of slow wave sleep the experiencing self remains. Consciousness is 24-hours. *** One of your key images is the "wheel of consciousness" (at least, that's what it's called in the illustrations and the title; early on you write that "the brain is a wheel, and consciousness is a pliant membrane pressed into the rim.")

[Thanks “Alive On All Channels” Archive]

#Alive On All Channels #bodymind #brain #consciousness

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paddysnuffles · 6 years

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yes hello you said you did the reading to your self diagnosis and im gonna ask what did you read bc i think i may be autistic too

Hi! The research I did was really extensive as it was for a major project for my science, technology, and medical information class during my Master’s (Library and Info Science). The project was to make a user-friendly starter guide on a topic of our choice, so here are the resources I ended up using:

Is There Really an Autism Epidemic? (by Hal Arkowitz & Scott O. Lilienfeld, Scientific American, 2012)

The article discusses the possible meanings of the drastic change—within the short span of a decade—from the long-held ratio of 1:2,500 people with ASD to one of 1:166, suggesting that better understanding of ASD (and thus better ability to diagnose it) is likely to account for most of the increase. This is a great educational tool on understanding why autism is reported to be on the rise and why the current data on rising prevalence is rather misleading.

How to Think About the Risk of Autism (by Sam Wang, The New York Times, 2104)

An extensive yet approachable look at what the science says about the causes of autism and how to estimate the chances of a person having ASD. The article offers a comparison between how much emphasis the scientific community puts on each probable cause and how the media covers the subject. Genetic research can often be hard to follow even when simplified, so this could be a valuable introduction to the subject.

Survey: One in five believe vaccine causes autism (by Carly Weeks, The Globe and Mail, 2015)The article shows the effects of 18 years of false information fed to the public as science by Andrew Wakefield, starting with his 1998 paper on how vaccines are to blame for the existence of autism (which has been repeatedly disproven) to the 2016 propaganda film Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe. An important issue with serious public health implications.

Steve Silberman on autism and ‘neurodiversity’ (by Emma Teitel, Maclean’s, 2015)

An interview with Steve Silberman, who delved into the history of ASD to prove that the belief that “autism is a historical aberration of the modern world” is not actually correct. It offers an insightful explanation about what neurodiversity is, and serves as a great companion to the essay Mental Disorder or Neurodiversity? included in the topic-specific list.

Autism spectrum has no clear cut-off point, research suggests (by Nicola Davis, The Guardian, 2016)

This story reports the findings of a study that showed that the genes involved in the genesis of autism are connected to an individual’s social skills regardless of them exhibiting symptoms of ASD, “suggesting that “the autism spectrum has no clear cut-off point.” In other words, all individuals could be put within a scale for autistic traits and placed anywhere between the most severely impaired people on one end and the easy-going, social butterflies on the opposite end. The article provides a biological basis that could inform some of the discussion presented in other articles on the suitability of labelling less severe cases as a “disability” rather than a difference.

Autism spectrum disorders in the DSM-V: Better or worse than the DSM-IV? by Lorna Wing, Judith Gould, and Christopher Gillberg—–An overview of the changes brought by DSM-V by removing the category of Pervasive Developmental Disorders and replacing them with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as a discussion about the positive and negative aspects of the new criteria. Considering that the changes brought by the new edition of the DSM is one of the most important developments in the area, this article provides a much-needed discussion on the very definition of ASDs. Note: One of the beliefs professed in the article - that autistics cannot feel empathy - has recently been disproven; for details on that see Brewer & Murphy in the referenced works section)

Evidence-Based Practices for Children, Youth, and Young Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder: A Comprehensive Review by Connie Wong, Samuel L. Odom, et al.—–A look at the current practices for ASD therapy to help children learn coping mechanisms, hone their fine motor function abilities, and other interventions found to be effective through different research projects. This essay will be helpful for an understanding of the therapies and techniques available for families affected by ASD.

Does the different presentation of Asperger syndrome in girls affect their problem areas and chances of diagnosis and support? by Elizabeth Hughes—–The article discusses the differences in how ASD presents itself in females versus males, comparing the diagnostic tools available for ASD and doctor’s perceptions of what ASD looks like in order to determine whether more males tend to be diagnosed with ASD than females due to actual biological differences in prevalence or because of gender bias imbued within the diagnostic tools. In addition to addressing an important issue surrounding ASD, this article also helps with the understanding of the range of symptoms and level of severity ASD can be manifested.

The Ever-Changing Social Perception of Autism Spectrum Disorder in the United States by Danielle N. Martin—Providing a historical perspective on the evolution of the understanding and acceptance (or lack thereof) toward ASD from a social and medical standpoint, this article looks at how past perceptions have shaped the modern stigma toward this disorder. This thesis paper—which was awarded the Michael F. Bassman Honors Thesis Award from the East Carolina University—will helps readers to familiarize themselves with how stigma against ASD manifests itself.

A Minority Group by Charlotte Stace—–Slang and terminology related to ASD are explored from the perspective of the ASD community, offering a unique insight into how the community views itself as well as how it views outsiders. It provides an interesting mirror image to the previous article, which is focused on the point of view of those not living with ASD.

Mental Disorder or Neurodiversity? by Aaron Rothstein—–The author discusses whether differences in how the brain deals with sensory input (such as in ASD, ADHD, and dyslexia) should qualify as “disorders” or whether they are variations on the brain’s “wiring” that helps with our species survival by providing certain individuals with an ability to problem-solve in ways that most people can’t. The emergence of this debate within the community—which is rapidly gaining prominence in media outlets—makes this paper an important read for those interested in a more holistic view of ASD.

Major sources of information (publications)

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 5th edition (DSM-V): Although not a source solely focused on ASD (which comprises a relatively small part of the overall publication), it is nevertheless considered to be one of the key sources of information for professionals trying to determine whether a patient might be on the spectrum.

Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders: The leading peer-reviewed, scholarly periodical about ASD and other closely related disorders; published monthly.

Autism Spectrum Digest: A monthly digital magazine centered around topics of interest to members of the ASD community and their families, such as helpful apps, current news related to ASD, legal/human rights issues, etc.

Electronic resources

Autistic Self-Advocacy Network: An advocacy group about ASD, for autistics and by autistics, which promotes programs, offers a resource library, and provides a source for news relating to the ASD community from an ASD perspective.

Research Autism: A UK organization whose focus is research of interventions in autism, as well as provide objective evaluations of the scientific evidence behind each. It also offers a number of useful resources, such as a database of publications relating to ASD, links to apps developed for people with ASD, and information on legislations and policies relevant to people with ASD.

Authorities

Hans Asperger: Hans Asperger played an important role in the history of Autism Spectrum Disorder. He was one of the first scientists to identify ASD, and the first to theorize that ASD is something that affects a person throughout their whole life rather than only through childhood as Leo Keller claimed (Sole-Smith, 2014). Asperger’s Syndrome, one of the most-known variations of ASD, was named after him (Asperger’s Syndrome, n.d.).

Temple Grandin: Though her formal education deals with animal caregiving, Dr. Grandin is nevertheless seen as a leading authority on autism by both the ASD community and researchers alike. She is recognized as one of the first advocates for autism to actually have autism, and her insights into how autistic people experience the world were instrumental in bringing awareness and some degree of acceptance to ASD. Dr. Grandin has been profiled by the New Yorker, interviewed in NPR and the New York Times, was the subject of a photo essay for Time magazine and was listed in the 2010 Time 100 list in the "Heroes" category (Flatow, 2006; Goldman, 2013; Slaby, 2009; Hauser, 2010). She has written a number of books on Autism, has received honorary degrees from several universities, and was awarded a Double Helix Medal (Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, 2011; Grandin, 2016).

Key issues

"Neuro-diverse" versus “disabled”: There is surging controversy about whether milder forms of ASD should be considered disorders/disabilities or only a version of how the brain can function (like having a Mac vs a PC - they’re different, but it doesn’t mean one is faulty). A major reason behind this movement is that, as Dr. Grandin explains in her TED Talk, autistics might be worse than most people at some things, but they’re more skilled at others, like breaking down complex systems and understanding how they work (Grandin, 2010). Also in favour of this theory is the fact that those “on the spectrum” often enter professional fields in the area of their special interests and become experts on the subject (Grandin, 2010).

Prevalence of ASD in Women: A number of studies have shown that the signs doctors look for when diagnosing ASD are mainly those that manifest in males, meaning that women are often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, with some doctors going so far as saying that “women can’t have Asperger’s” even when faced with a classic case according to current diagnosis definitions (Hughes, 2014). There is a slowly growing movement to fix this, but as of yet little has been on an official capacity other than studies repeatedly finding that a drastic change needs to be implemented.

Vaccines and Autism: A major issue related to autism and ASD is the widespread belief among the general population that vaccines can be to blame for a child’s autism. The problem started nearly two decades ago, with propaganda disguised as science by Andrew Wakefield that was widely spread through the internet and general media outlets. To this day, despite definitive proof to the contrary by a number of research findings, 20% of Canadians still believe that there is a link, while another 20% aren’t sure about it (Weeks). As a result, a number of parents started to refrain from giving their children vaccines, with serious consequences such as illnesses like measles having made a deadly comeback to the country (Weeks).

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). DSM V. American Psychiatric Association.

American Psychiatric Association. (2015). DSM V Update. American Psychiatric Association.

Arkowitz, H., & Lilienfeld, S. O. (2012, August 1). Is There Really an Autism Epidemic? Scientific American. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-there-really-an-autism-epidemic/

Asperger’s Syndrome. (n.d.). In Merriam-Webster. Retrieved from

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Asperger's%20syndrome

Autism Spectrum Digest. (2016). Autism Spectrum Digest. Retrieved from http://asdigest.com.

Autistic Self Advocacy Network. (2016). Autistic Self Advocacy Network. Retrieved from http://autisticadvocacy.org/

Bradley, E., Caldwell, P., & Underwood, L. (2013). Autism Spectrum Disorder. In J. McCarthy & E. Tsakanikos (Ed.), Handbook of Psychopathology in Intellectual Disability: Research, Practice, and Policy (pp. 237–264).

Brewer, R., & Murphy, J. (2016, July). People with Autism Can Read Emotions, Feel Empathy. Spectrum. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-with-autism-can-read-emotions-feel-empathy1/

Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory. (2011). Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory honors stars of science and sports at sixth annual gala. Retrieved from http://www.cshl.edu/news-a-features/cold-spring-harbor-laboratory-honors-stars-of-science-and-sports-at-sixth-annual-gala.html

Davis, N. (2016, March 21). Autism spectrum has no clear cut-off point, research suggests. The Guardian [London]. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/mar/21/autism-spectrum-has-no-clear-cut-off-point-research-suggests-nature-genetics

Dichter, G. S. (2012). Functional magnetic resonance imaging of autism spectrum disorders. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 14(3), 319–351. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3513685/

Flatow, I. (Host). (2006, January 20). A Conversation with Temple Grandin [Television series episode]. In Talk of the Nation. National Public Radio.

Foster, R. (2014). Does the Equality Act 2010 ensure equality for individuals with Asperger syndrome in the legal arena?: A survey of recent UK case law Autonomy, the Critical Journal of Interdisciplinary Autism Studies, 1(4). Retrieved from

http://www.larry-arnold.net/Autonomy/index.php/autonomy/article/view/AR16

Fuentes, J., Bakare, M., Munir, K., Aguayo, P., Gaddour, N., & Öner, Ö. (2014). Developmental Disorders - Autism Spectrum Disorder. In J. M. Rey (Ed.), IACAPAP e-Textbook of Child and Adolescent Mental Health (p. C.2 1–35). Geneva: International Association for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Allied Professions.

Goldman, A. (2013, April 12). Temple Grandin on Autism, Death, Celibacy and Cows. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/14/magazine/temple-grandin-on-autism-death-celibacy-and-cows.html?_r=0

Grandin, T. (2010, February). Temple Grandin: The world needs all kinds of minds. [Video file]. Retrieved from

https://www.ted.com/talks/temple_grandin_the_world_needs_all_kinds_of_minds?language=en#t-157979

Grandin, T. (2016). Temple Grandin Professional Resumé. Retrieved from http://www.grandin.com/professional.resume.html

Hauser, M. (2010, April 29). The 2010 TIME 100. Time. Retrieved from http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1984685_1984949_1985222,00.html

Hughes, E. (2014). Does the different presentation of Asperger syndrome in girls affect their problem areas and chances of diagnosis and support? Autonomy, the Critical Journal of Interdisciplinary Autism Studies, 1(4). Retrieved from http://www.larry-arnold.net/Autonomy/index.php/autonomy/article/view/AR17

Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. Retrieved from

http://link.springer.com/journal/10803

Martin D. N. (2012) The ever changing social perception of autism spectrum disorders in the United States. Honors Thesis, East Carolina University. Retrieved from http://uncw.edu/csurf/Explorations/documents/DanielleMartin.pdf

Medical Library Association. (2016). Medical subject headings (MeSH).

Research Autism. (n.d.). Research Autism. Retrieved from http://researchautism.net/

Rothstein, A. (2012). Mental Disorder or Neurodiversity? The New Atlantis, 36. Retrieved from http://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/mental-disorder-or-neurodiversity

Slaby, M. (2009). The Perspectives of Temple Grandin. Time. Retrieved from

http://content.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1985143,00.html

Sole-Smith, V. (2014). The History of Autism. Parents. Retrieved from http://www.parents.com/health/autism/history-of-autism/

Stace, C. (2014). A Minority Group. Autonomy, the Critical Journal of Interdisciplinary Autism Studies, 1(3). Retrieved from http://www.larry-arnold.net/Autonomy/index.php/autonomy/article/view/AR13

Teitel, E. (2015, August 25). Steve Silberman on autism and ‘neurodiversity’. MacLean's. Retrieved from http://www.macleans.ca/society/science/steve-silberman-on-autism-and-the-neurodiversity-movement/

Tonge,B., & Brereton, A. DSM-5 Autism Spectrum Disorder Fact Sheet. Retrieved from

http://www.timeforafuture.com.au/factsheets/CDPP%20Factsheet%201.%20DSM%205%20Autism%20Spectrum%20Disorder.pdf

Wang, J. (2014, March 29). How to Think About the Risk of Autism. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/30/opinion/sunday/how-to-think-about-the-risk-of-autism.html?_r=1

Weeks, C. (2015, February 6). Survey: One in five believe vaccine causes autism. The Globe and Mail [Toronto]. Retrieved from http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health/survey-finds-one-in-five-people-believe-measles-vaccines-cause-autism/article22851493/

Wing, L., Gould, J., & Gillberg, C. (2011). Autism spectrum disorders in the DSM-V: better or worse than the DSM-IV?. Research in developmental disabilities, 32(2), 768-773. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0891422210002647

Wong, C., Odom, S. L., Hume, K. A., Cox, A. W., Fettig, A., Kucharczyk, S., ... & Schultz, T. R. (2015). Evidence-based practices for children, youth, and young adults with autism spectrum disorder: A comprehensive review.Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 45(7), 1951-1966. Retrieved from http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-014-2351-z

World Health Organization. (1994). International classification of diseases (ICD).

Further Resources

Autism Women’s Network

Interactive Autism Network

Simons Foundation Autism Research Initiative (SFARI)

The official site for a research program funded by the Simons Foundation, which focuses on all aspects of autism research

Doctor Temple Grandin’s Site

Dr. Grandin’s site on autism. It has some of her writings on the subject as well as information on conference appearances.

ResearchGate Discussion Forum

A discussion page on ResearchGate on academic papers regarding ASD stigma. You can also search the overall discussion forum for other ASD-related discussions by academics.

Parents miss signs of autism in their daughters by Emily Anthes (Spectrum, 2016)

A study finds that parents of girls with autism are significantly less likely than those of boys to voice concerns about their child’s social behaviour.

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Though mostly useful to familiarize oneself with ASD culture, members of the ASD community also post links to news and resources (usually with commentary on their perspective on the matter). Tags of interest: #asd, #actuallyautistic, #stimming, #aspielife

Stigma and the “Othering” of Autism by Lynne Soraya (Psychology Today, April 1, 2012)

An Aspie’s perspective on the stigma surrounding autism and what it means to support an autistic child.

Autism Speaks, But Not For Autistics by Dane La Born (The Free Weekly, April 6 2016)

An autistic’s perspective on the lesser-known controversy surrounding Autism Speaks, the #1 autism charity in the world.

Ce que signifient les étapes du développement chez un enfant autiste by Kathleen O’Grady (Huffington Post Quebec, 2016)

The Autism Speaks Controversy by Brianne McDunnough (Reporter Magazine, 2014)

Where Autism Got The Right Treatment In 2015 by Emily Willingham (Forbes, 2015)

Proteins that spark learning may play key part in autism by Ann Griswold (Spectrum, 2016)

Autism Spectrum Disorder Linked to Mutations in Some Mitochondria by (Neuroscience News, 2016)

Autism gene needed for growth of neurons during gestation by Jessica Wright (Spectrum, 2016)

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