#but i'm unwell and what good am i if i can't make content

[ghost-proofbaby]

if it were anyone else (e.m.)

warnings: strong allusions to depression, disordered eating/rough relationship with food, mentions of smoking, description of a sort of panic attack. very sad. hurt/comfort? not edited.

wc: 1.6k+

a/n: this is literally entirely self indulgent and written entirely after i sat and cried and thought "i wish i had eddie here right now to hold me". maybe in like thirty minutes tops. this is for me and only me. go figure lol. sorry. yeah. anyways.

if you relate, my askbox is always open, and i'm very sorry you've felt this way as well. i hope you all take care of yourselves. drink some water, call a friend. be kind to yourself.

“I’m worried about you.” 

Four words that always manage to strike a certain type of fear in your gut. You don’t know how to react as he says it, how he wants you to react. You can only stare blankly, you can only wish harder for the earth to swallow you whole.

“What do you mean?” you laugh nervously, following it with a hard swallow.

You’re playing dumb. You know it, he knows it. The tremor in your bones and your numb appendages know it, too. 

“You’re…” Eddie stalls, licking his lips, letting his eyes rake over you, “You’re getting bad again.” 

You’re quick to shake your head, forcing another hollow chuckle from your chest, “It’s not that bad. I’m fin-”

“You’re not fine.”

The look in his eyes could crack your spine if you stare too long. Wet eyes, a trembling bottom lip, worry lines etched into his forehead that you realize might be caused by you.

You’re causing him worry. The last thing you want to do, you’ve accomplished. You’re on a fast-track to becoming a burden – the first step is always acceptance. 

You’re still unsure of how he wants – no, needs you to react right now. This conversation is a landmine for both of you, and you hold every breath with every step as you try to navigate it. If you make one wrong step, it could cause an explosion that spares no survivors.

You don’t mind if it tears you apart limb by limb. You do mind if it hurts him. 

“How… How do you know that?” 

It’s not a sarcastic snipping or defensive deterrence. It’s an unfiltered response of genuineness – you want to know the signs, you want to know what has exposed the rot this time.

And then, maybe next time, you’ll be able to better shield it from him with this knowledge. 

“How could I not?” he takes a deep breath in through his nose, and you focus on the flare of his nostrils rather than any of the tears beginning to gather at his waterlines, “It’s been happening for a while now, though, hasn’t it?” 

Your throat is a cage, tight and restrictive and ringing with a bitter metallic taste in its tenseness. You can’t respond with words. You can only nod. 

He chooses to answer your question more properly now that you’ve admitted it, “You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground. Picking up distractions like they’re going out of style.”

“Hey, they might be. We never know-” you cut yourself off when your eyes meet his. Now’s not the time for jokes, “Sorry. I… I know. I’m sorry.” 

He’s right. Fuck, he’s right. 

“I want to ask you something, and I need you to answer me honestly,” his own steps across these landmines are just as delicate, just as feathery light, as your own. You hear it in his tone, see it in his body language. You wish your body could sink into the mattress you’re sitting on the edge of as he crouches in front of you, warm palms connecting with your knees. Grounding you. Tethering you. Holding you back from that sinking you crave. “Are you… Sweetheart, are you okay?”

If anybody else had built up to such a stupid question, you would have laughed in their face. You would have shoved those warm palms right off of your skin and you would have thrown up those ice cold hands of your own, shouted obviously not. 

Obviously not. I’m not okay. I’m so far from okay, it’s a bit comical. I am drowning. I am treading in freezing cold waters and I am barely capable of keeping my head above the waves. My engine is fucked, my tank is empty. I don’t think I’d even know how to be ‘okay’ again if you did manage to pull this mangled body of mine from these depths and sat me down on safe, solid ground again. 

You can’t say any of this, though. Not because you don’t trust him, not because he would judge you. But because the moment he asks the question that should make you scoff, you let out a sob instead. Something like a muffled, broken wail that tears from deep within you. It had already been ready and poised, laying in wait for a perfect moment like this one to escape. 

His eyes aren’t the only glossy ones anymore. 

“I-” you start, breathing already stuttering and chest already constricting, “I- I-”

“Hey,” he palms smooth up your thighs, carrying their warmth with them, as if he were trying to spread it across you. As if he had heard your thoughts. As if he already knew all about those dark, treacherous, freezing waters you were stranded in. All you can do is spew out another cry, strangled as you tried to swallow it down before it entered the atmosphere between you two, “Hey.” 

You only notice the tears when you crumple forward and he meets you halfway. Those warm palms, those hands so capable of safety and promise, cup your cheeks and his thumbs make quick work of swiping away the salty streams. 

“Hey, baby, breathe for me,” his voice is tragically gentle, “Just one deep breath, okay?” 

To demonstrate, you watch his chest expand dramatically, his hands forcing you to keep your eyes on him. 

You can’t see through the bleariness. 

“C’mon, sweetness,” he encourages again, “One breath. Just one.” 

If it were anyone else, you’d turn into a fit of rage at the coddling. You’d break everything in sight. You’d scream until your already burning lungs finally collapsed as they’d been yearning to for so long. 

But it’s him. It’s just him, it’s just Eddie. 

His chest rises dramatically again, and this time, yours does as well, albeit through stifling hiccups. You’re dizzy from the lack of oxygen and the flood of emotion that was wrecking you. 

“There you go!” his voice rises ever so slightly, and when you flinch a bit at the sudden volume, he retracts, “Sorry, sorry. But that’s it, sweetheart. Another one, okay?” 

Another breath. Another sob. Another wave of all the pain you’ve been battling off. 

You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground.

He was right and it fucking killed you. None of those are things you could ever shield him from. You didn’t have the heart to pull away those numb and icey fingertips every time he’d reach out for your hand, or try to cover the shivers that managed to rack your bones even in the middle of summer. The sleeping situation had been spiraling, a pendulum of sleepless nights that would end in a sleep so deep that you could have been mistaken for resting with the dead. Maybe the smoking you could have hid, especially when you’d been so boastful about quitting. 

You weren’t running yourself into the ground. You had already collapsed into the dirt, you had already joined the worms. You’d buried yourself alive, six feet under, and nothing could have stopped him from sniffing out that scent of decay on you. 

The death of a soul and mind. The death of the thing that had propelled you forward for so long. No amount of sweet perfume, or hour long scalding showers, or minty gum to occupy your mind rather than a proper meal, can erase that stench. 

You never could have shielded him. He always saw right through you. Always had, always would. 

“I’m sorry,” you end up crying out. 

You don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you echo the words again. Over and over, on repeat, until he’s rising from the ground. Until he’s sat beside you. Until his arms are suddenly encasing you and you’re awarded a warmth you didn’t feel deserving of. 

He doesn’t smell like the decay you’d surrounded yourself with. He smells like slow waking in the morning, dreary and calm and at a reasonable time. He smells like warm baths that only relax your bones, and don’t have to blister your skin in the process. He smells like three meals a day, all comforting and all effortless and that never linger with a sense of regret.

He’s not decay, never even treading close to death. He’s home. He’s the promise that you could be okay. Even if it isn’t right now. 

“Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into the crown of your head, squeezing you tighter into his chest, not even blinking an eye at the patch of wetness you leave behind from where your cheeks bury against him, “Never apologize. Ever. Not with me, sweetheart. Keep the sorries. I don’t need them.” 

If it were anyone else, the holding would have suffocated you. But it’s him. It’s Eddie.

You don’t fight him when he pulls you fully into his lap, situating the two of you comfortably on that mattress. 

You don’t know how long you let him cradle you like that. How much of that time is spent filled with your cries, or how many breaths he gently urges you to take with him. He never once has to verbally say what you already know; he never once promises aloud that it’ll be okay. He doesn’t put that pressure on you, not yet. Not today. Not when he knows the journey to okay is still such a long one. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers to you instead, “I’ve got you, now, sweetheart.” 

If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t believe them. 

But it’s him. It’s Eddie. 

And he’s got you, for now and for as long as you need.

#my writing #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson comfort #idk what this is #i hope it flops because fuck is it personal ! #i wrote very quickly and did not edit it lol #like my own personal diary entry or therapy session #bleh #very niche and doubt it's relatable lol #but i'm unwell and what good am i if i can't make content #if nothing else #i can create #still good for something maybe i don't know #at least something not awful can come from this storm

[inkskinned]

im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like .... #tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON. #yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!! #their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!! #like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!! #aND THEY ARE!!! #something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

[bananami]

husband material

a/n: I make no apologies, I made fun of Gojo a lot but I can't help making fun of the characters I kin ok...as you can tell I am unwell and clearly in love with one Nanami Kento. Please enjoy this purely self indulgent one shot that is just me ranting about how Nanami is the perfect man. n e ways- cw: some language and it eludes to sexual content, so you know the drill

"If you had to choose any sorcerer, who would it be?"

"Any sorcerer to what?"

"Like to date. If you had to choose," Gojo was leaning over the couch in the Jujutsu High lounge, wearing a smirk like he was confident in what your answer would be, "who would it be? And why is it me?"

You let out a laugh that's more mocking than genuine. "It would definitely not be you."

Gojo's jaw drops, like he can't believe it. For a very long time he's quiet - very unlike him - in utter disbelief. It had been a joke, but he was your best friend. If not him, then who? He needs to know.

Again, he asks. "So...who then?"

"Easy. Nanami."

"Nanami?!"

"Nanami."

"Why?"

"You're telling me you wouldn't date Nanami if given the opportunity?" You put your cellphone, giving up on the game you were playing seeing as Gojo was not going to let this go.

"That's not what I said." Gojo plops himself down at the opposite end of the couch, looking eager and ready for any new gossip he could wring out of you. "But I can't date myself, so therefore I would pick the next best option."

"He's definitely the best option."

"Respectfully disagree."

"That's fine." You shoot back. "Everyone is entitled to their wrong opinions. Especially you."

Gojo is once again silent. Until. "I hate you."

You can't help the chuckle that escapes.

"Why?!"

"Why what?"

"Don't be coy. Why Nanami?"

"I'm sorry," you give him a genuinely confused expression, "have you met the man? He's incredibly good looking, financially stable-"

"I'm also those things."

"Emotionally competent enough to hold a relationship for longer than three weeks-"

"That's...yeah ok, that's-"

"Is the type of man who gets along with both of your parents, so much so that they ask you every week when you're on the phone with them why the two of you aren't married or at the very least engaged yet-"

"This is getting very oddly specific."

"Radiates an aura that subtly screams 'I have a huge dick but I don't brag about it'"

"Clearly you've thought a lot about this."

"Somehow explains things without mansplaining them to you. Like if you were to ask him to explain how the stock market worked he would sit you down and make economics sound like the sexiest thing in the world while still remaining respectful."

"That's not fair. You know I'm bad at economics."

"I'm serious. He's like a total catch. Husband material. Dating isn't enough. If you date that man, it's endgame. He's already picked out the perfect ring and planned the entire honeymoon."

"Perfect is a strong word. Some would say it's too subjective even."

"He's the type of man to slow dance with you at 3 am in the kitchen of your upper class suburban home that he probably paid for in cash, while your two kids sleep soundly in their little bedrooms upstairs all tuckered out from your weekly family outing."

"Again. Very oddly specific."

"Face it, Gojo. Some men are just walking green flags." You stand and pat him on the shoulder, comforting him as he pouts. Clearly this wasn't the conversation he was hoping for. "But I have to get to my next class before my students get started without me, or Maki might accidentally give another kid a concussion. And I don't feel like explaining that to Yaga again."

Gojo waited until you were out of the room to huff in exasperation. "Psh. I'm a green flag."

"Yeah, if you're colorblind."

The sudden voice on the couch at the back of the room makes Gojo startle and jump in his seat.

Nanami lays just out of direct line of sight from the couch Gojo is sitting in, the one you were previously lounging on as well - so much so that Gojo has to lean over to see him lift the small folded towel from over his eyes.

This only sours Gojo's mood even more. "Well, I bet you're just so impressed with yourself right now."

Nanami lets the towel fall back over his eyes. "Don't feel bad Gojo," he can't contain his smirk, "not all of us can be husband material."

#nanami fluff #nanami x reader #nanami x y/n #nanami x you #jjk x reader #jjk fluff #jjk headcanons #nanami kento

[sugawarassoulmate]

what if reader were to visit bad boy! akiteru at his job? i think she’ll end up bent over his desk

i am unwell about this sksksk

words: 382 cw: fem!reader, unprotected sex, desk sex, minors dni

reader so innocently visiting akiteru at his job 🥹 nodding along and asking questions when he gives her a tour of the office. all his co-workers are happy to meet her "this is the y/n??? he talks soooo much about you!!"

it caps off with akiteru showing off the pictures he has of you on his desk so he can stay in a good mood even when he's swamped with work. you're so love sick that you don't notice him locking the door of his office.

"akiiii, we can't you'll get in trouble~" you whine into your hand, doing nothing to stop your boyfriend as he drills his cock into you over and over. it was easy for him to bend you over his desk and pull your pretty shorts down.

akiteru shuts you up with his long fingers rubbing against your clit, sending even more pleasure through your body. "just keep moaning into your hand, sweetie. nobody's gonna get in trouble, it's okay," he coos, cursing under his breath when you tighten around him.

you try your best to keep quiet, finding it hard as akiteru does everything in his power to get you to cum. he had overwhelmed you today—from his sweet, doting side that bragged to his coworkers about you to the depraved side that just wanted you fuck you like an animal at his workplace.

akiteru makes you cum twice before finally spilling his seed inside you, grunting in your ear as he does. "fuck, baby, i'm sorry," he groans, kissing the back of your neck."i just couldn't help myself. you looked so pretty today..."

"babyyyy," you whined, feeling the stickiness between your thighs. "you have to clean me up."

"i know, just give me a second," he says, reaching for the box of tissues on his desk. he does the best he can to wipe everything off of you, knowing that you won't be happy until you've showered but his efforts have you content for now.

he showers you with kisses after getting your clothes back on, thanking you for coming along to work with him.

"if i get treated like this every time, i might just visit you more often," you teased.

"don't threaten me with a good time," akiteru says before kissing you once more.

©sugawarassoulmate 2023 all rights reserved - please do not repost/translate my work on other platforms!

#haikyuu smut #haikyu smut #akiteru smut #akiteru x reader #akiteru tsukishima smut #akiteru tsukishima x reader #tsukishima akiteru smut #tsukishima akiteru x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyu x reader #🍑 #🍑akiteru

[thedepthsoffandomminds]

The guest PT 9

Masterlist

Jack Dawkins x fem reader

"I'm afraid I, too, have an uncomfortable revelation. About the stolen pay. Now seems an appropriate time to deliver it. My suspicions were first aroused when told there'd been an outbreak of typhoid and I can now confirm..." Gaines is interrupted by a redcoat dragging Fagin into the room.

"Get your hands off me!" The older man squirmed.

"Captain Gaines. Found this vagrant screamin' he's got urgent news. Flog him now or flog him in jail?" The soldier asked.

"Is no one interested in this urgent news?" Lady Jane mused.

"This man is my servant. And as such, I take full responsibility for him and whatever it is he's been up to." Jack says standing up from the table.

" Yes, well, I have vital information about the soldiers' pay. Please. Your Majesties, allow me to unfold a sordid tale of unmatched woe." Fagin began. You sat and listened to his story as a carriage pulled up at the front door. Gaines marched himself out there, finding his wife Peggy and Darius sitting together. The Soldiers pay in a leather bag at their feet.

The members of the party dispersed into separate rooms, you being left in the dining room alongside Sneed.

"Was that true? You helped him make a fool ofme? I knew you did not want to marry me but to go as far as to defame me, to scupper my chances of head surgeon..."

"No Rainsford I didn't mean...I was just-" your cut off by the pain in your chest. It takes over your whole body, making you drop against him, limp and dizzy. You gasp for breath.

"What is it?" He asks you but his words are lost in the fog of your mind.

"I can't...I... Rainsford." Your whole weight drops and you hardly feel as he lifts you into his arms. The rush of the family as they watch him carry you up to your room and lay you on the bed. You don't see the concerned glances between Fanny and Belle as he listens to your chest and checks your pulse. You know nothing until you awake hours later in a darkened room with only a single candle burning on the table, Belle sat close by.

*_*_*_*

"well if you insist on her living in town, I am going to live with her. It is completely uncivilised to expect an unwed young woman to live entirely alone." Belle was arguing with her mother.

"Absolutely not." Lady Jane slammed her hand on the table.

"then y/n should just stay here." Fanny argued.

"of course she is stating here, clearly the girl is unwell and I will not put her out in such a condition." Edmund finalised the conversation.

"I shall work on marrying her off then, I'm sure someone will take her " lady Jane scoffs and turns away. Fanny looks to her sister,

"You've been moping ever since Dr. Dawkins ruined our dinner. Come on. Up!" She demanded. Belle groaned at her and threw her legs off the side of the couch allowing Fanny to sit beside her, "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yes, I'm completely cured of my despair. I have a gift to lift your spirits. A guillotine? Better."

I have a gift for you. A painting made with these very hands. It's the story of us. Our journey here, a house, a kangaroo." Fanny pointed to each thing on the paper.

"What are these?" Belle asked pointing.

"Tree trunks. I keep seeing these in my dreams" fanny said absently.

"Doctor Sneed is here for you." Lady Jane announced through the door. Fanny perked up, "No, not for you for Belle, he wishes to take you shooting." Belle rolled her eyes and left the parlour.

With encouragement from Fanny you leave the comfort of your bed and sit in the parlour. Though she has to leave you some time later you are content for a moment until lady Jane enters.

"I'm sorry, Lady Jane. I can go elsewhere if you need the room." You say.

"No, no. It appears I have been out voted and you are to stay here with us." She grumbled.

"Oh, well, I will endeavour to no longer be a bad influence on your daughters." You said as respectably as you could.

"Yes, good." The older woman turned and left once more, followed only moments later by Belle as she flung herself onto the couch.

"He asked me to marry him." She huffed. You knew it was coming and you'd turned him down, so why did it annoy you?

"You could do worse?" You laugh falsely, knowing well enough Belle would never agree to marry Sneed. Her eyes looked at you, studied your features.

"No, but I could do so much better. Have you ever married?" Her question was breathy, like it had taken much courage to ask it. You shake your head, absentmindedly.

"No, no one ever stood up to the fictional characters that I feel for." You laugh.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Oh just some light reading." You closing the medical book. Belle thinks for a moment.

"Jack is a fine man." She states.

"Yes he is," you agree. His face instantly popping into your mind's eye. The way he had smiled at you, still fresh in your thoughts

"You say that I should consider him, but what if I want to consider someone else?" Her eyes flick between your eyes and your hands.

"No, you should set yourself on Jack, he compliments you and you him." You say.

"but the way he acted at the dinner..."

"Belle, you were awful to him. You invited him here for your own adjenda and then humiliated him." You chastise her.

"No, I...well I..." Belle sighs, resting her head on her fists. "he was rude to me."

"because you hurt him." You explain. "But don't worry, he'll come round." You assure her. Belle looks to you, a strange feeling bubbling in her stomach that she hadn't felt before.

*_*_*_*

Jack stood at the preparation table when Sneed came marching in.

"I demand to know why you were seeing my patient. I had already made it abundantly clear his condition is inoperable." He scowled.

" He wanted a second opinion." Jack replied almost uncaring .

"From you? Please." Sneed jeered. Jack put down the apparatus he had in his hands, "Wouldn't you want a second opinion if some spoilt, pompous, upper-class prat with only basic medical knowledge told you your career was over?"

"Never cross me again on matters medical, Dawkins. I don't know how things were done on your side of the city, but that's not how we do things here. You will not operate on that man. Nor will you have anything to do with the ladies of Government house." Sneed hissed,

"Ah you true intentions scream out. She'll never be yours." Jack knows he doesn't need to say a name for Sneed to understand.

"And if I find that foul stench has anything to do with you or your illiterate friends, I will see you are all soundly punished."

"That's so strange because, you see, we all thought that that smell was coming from you."

Jack could not concentrate after that, his mind caught back on you, when an idea pops into his mind.

*_*_*_*

"Hello." Jack said as he barrelled through Belle's balcony window.

"Have you completely lost all sense?" She scowled at him.

"Quite possibly."

" If you have come to apologise for your behaviour from now weeks ago, then you must do it formally and at a proper time. I will consider whether or not to accept it. Please go." Belle says arrogantly.

"I'm not here for you." He said walking to the bedroom door and slipping down the corridor, Belle marched behind him.

"Come to steal from my home have you?" She jeered. Jack stopped with his hand on a doorknob.

"on contrary." He pushed open the door entering your room. You sit on the bed. "Do you know about Strabismus surgery?" He asks you.

"What does a criminal need to know about that?" Belle scoffs.

"Do you?" He ignores her, keeping his eyes on you.

"It's the realignment of the eye." You say.

"See? I knew you'd know." He smiled at you

"Would you happen to have some medical textbook that might..." you say to Belle.

" Yes. This way." The two do you follow Belle downstairs, as Jack leans back on the desk you sit down in the desk chair. Belle climbed up to look through the shelves.

"Are you...how are you?" Jack asks you.

"I'm fine Jack." You reply to him, trying to keep your tone flat.

"It was first performed in the 1830s by John Homer Dix. The surgeon needs only three instruments, a fine hook to elevate the conjunctiva, a bent probe to isolate the tendon, and scissors for opening up the conjunctiva."Belle read allowed from an old book as she climbed down.

"Pictures. I need pictures." Jack says standing to his full height.

" Yes. Here." Belle holds the book towards him.

"It is so dangerous." You say from your seat.

" Yeah, but you love that, don't you?" He grins back at you.

"Can you do it?" Belle asked.

" Yes. Maybe." He scanned the pictures.

The three of you start walking back toward the stairs.

"It's important for both of us that we clear the air about what transpired." Belle addressed Jack, "I admit that I said things in that moment that I now regret. And I'm equally sure that you said things that now, in the cold light of day, you wish were-" you feel Jack slip away from your side.

"What are you two doing? Y/n are you feeling any better?" Fanny asked walking up to you both.

"I'm well, Fanny. Thank you." You say quietly.

"You've had eight turns in the last few weeks. I've been keeping count." She said, eyes full of concern.

"All's well, sister. Go on, back to bed." Belle said. You shoot your eyes back to Jack before pulling Belle upstairs with you to dress.

"What is that smell?" Belle asks as you walk into the hospital.

"Fagin." Jack answered with a grin.

"It smells like ambergris." She scoffed.

" Like what?" You couldn't help your giggle at his words.

"Will you wait?" Belle grabbed his arm, " Are you going to apologise to me or not?"

"No. What for?" Jack asked.

" For the way you spoke to me."

"Hang on, Belle we spoke about this." You say.

"No, y/n it's fine. I was hurt. And I'm sorry if I spoke to you abruptly. But I don't know how to talk to women. I've never really had to." Jack admits.

" I am similarly rarely interested in anything a man has to say. And I forgive you." Belle nods her head.

" Good. Don't invite me to any more stupid dinner parties. Your lot will never accept me." Jack implores her.

" Why would you want them to accept you? You have no idea how boring we all are." She grins.

"Not all of you." Jack muses, his eyes momentarily flicking to you.

As Jack is preparing the equipment and Belle is helping the navigator on to the operating table he turns to you.

"So, you know what happens here, right?" You nod to him, "So...can I do it?"

"Jack, you are the most skilled surgeon in the world. You can do anything." You say.

Jack dropped his eyes to the table, a thousand thoughts running through his mind.

"Are you still-" he swallows, "still set on my being with Belle and not you?" He asks.

"Jack, I know.it doesn't make sense to you but that's how it's supposed to happen." You stick to your guns.

"But isn't it all different already? I don't feel for her what you say I should. I feel them for you. Surely just being here has already changed it. What if you're meant to change it?" Jack had moved around the table coming closer to you.

"We're ready in here." Belle interrupted.

"y/n?" Jack raised his eyebrows to you.

"Go, I'll be there in a moment."

@fandomfan-102 @deanstolemydragon @mydeputyghostwagon

#jack dawkins x y/n #jack dawkins x reader

[axelakim]

Title: Regret

Pairing: Ben Chilwell X Reader

Content: angst, fluff

You and ben have been a couple for about 4 years now. Both of you really love and understand each other, moreover for the past 1 year, you two can not be separated from each other because you have moved to Ben's house and that what makes you two more and more in love.

The season chelsea have been through was not really good. The club end up in 12th place in pl rank and there are lots of rumour of his teammates gonna go to another clubs, that's the reason why Ben always get home angry and not in the mood for the past 1 month. Like today, the traning session went well but the match wasn't. Chelsea lost 2 points against Liverpool, you've watched the game at home because youre working and got into some of accident when you were buying coffe at the supermarket across the office till your left palm wounded but u said to Ben that u just feeling a bit sick so you can't make it to the pitch. So you just waiting for Benji to reach home in the livingroom.

Not long after that, you heard your boyfriend opened the door and having such a disappointed and tired look in his face.

"Hei benjii, are u okay love?" while hiding ur left hand

"Yea i'm fine" he didn't even give you kisses when you welcome him.

He directly went to the kitchen and open the fridge "Why the hell there is no food in here? You didn't cook?" he asked

"No im sorry, i didn't cook because im feeling unwell and i just wanted to got home directly on my way home"

"Oh yea right" hearing him just responding u like that is kinda hurt but u dont want to make him more stressed out, so you just ignore it

"Should i cook for you? or we just order some food? what do you want?"

"No need, ill order it later by myself" while putting his dirty clothes in the basket

"Eum how are you today? any stories?" you asked wanted to know more about his day

"You still asking me? you saw me lost right, fucking lost and here you are still asking me about how am i, dont play dumb Y/N you already know how terrible i am now, if you want some attention the answer is not now"

this is the first time he snapped at you, his whole face turning red

Your heart was aching but again u just hold it

"Can u chill out? I just want to know more about my boyfriend's day. Is that so wrong?" holding up your tears

"Yes its so fucking wrong, youve already saw me lost today and u still asking me about my day, and always asking me the same annoying questions when i get home" he answered

"Oh so im the one who is wrong here huh?" you replied

"Yeah because you always so chatty about many things, this and that and also annoying"

You continued, "well maybe your decision to asked me move out with you was wrong then huh?"

"Kinda regret it indeed" he said it cold and went upstairs to your shared room

You frozen for a second hearing what he said, u just went blanking and dont know what to do. Your heart is aching so much, the questions youve always asked him that you consider it as an act of caring but ur boyfriend seemed didn't really happy about it. You always have his back and support all of the things he does but seems it is not enough for him.

You decided to put your jacket on and take your car's key. You told your security at home to open the gate and said to him that you just wanted to go to the supermarket.

After ben done showering, he went downstairs to check up on you because he felt guilty about the argument earlier but you weren't in the living room so he tried to find you in the guest bedroom but u also weren't there, he tried to call your name

"Y/N.... Y/N, are u here babe?" all around the house but he didnt find you

Then he heard some knock on the door, he thought it was you but it turned your best friend, Camilla.

" Omg you camilla, i thought it was Y/N"

"What shes not home? where is she ben?"

"Shes home when i arrived then after i showered shes gone"

"You should find her, her car missing i thought u used it but youre here and her hand wounded because of this morning accident, she really need a rest, im so worried rn"

"What? what accident? she didnt tell me anything? oh my lord, i messed up real bad, fuck it"

"Dont you say youve had some argument earlier ben?" camilla narrowed her eyes

"Yes yes we had it okay, and it was kinda really bad camilla, she must gone because of it, ,im so stupid, ill go find her rn"

"Damn it you chilwell, find my friend rn or you dead with me!"

They both go out to the security guard and asked about you, its almost midnight and you havent even come back home. Ben really worried about you and getting more stressed out. He called you so many tjmes but seems you have blocked his contact, then he called all of his friends and bodyguard acquaintances to find you. He also went to all of your favorite places but still he didn't find you. He drove his car with tears coming down on his cheek, he really regret what he have done to you, you didn't deserve to be treated like that. You are his princess, best friend, and also partner in everything, how could he be so mean, how could he let anger overwhelm him.

Its 3.30 am, hes still on the road till he got a call from a guy name Franky his bodyguard acquaintances, he said he found u because u use your credit card to stay in a hotel. Ben directly went to that hotel and asking your room number to the receptionist, glad that he knew ben and knew that you are his girlfriend so he let him to have the spare key.

Ben already there, in front of room 305 your room. He got in and found the silent and dark room. He turned on the light and saw you slept peacefully on the king size bed. He saw your puffy face and traces of tears that still wet on your cheeks. He checked your wounded palm too, looking at you like this made him really felt terrible rn.

Benji checked your silent phone and found so many missed calls from him, camilla, and others. Benji sent text to camilla first to tell her that youre okay. After that he just lay beside and hugging you till he fell asleep.

In the morning you awake and realized youre not home, but u felt someones arm hugging u from behind, u wanted to shout out at first but then u recognize the hand and also the tattooes. ITS MR CHILWELL.

You try to get up and let go his grip slowly, but Benji noticed.

"Hi baby" u just silent at his raspy voice, youre mad at him but also missing him sm at the same time.

"Hey i know you awake love, come here, let me see your face"

You try to hold ur body but u cant, he managed to turn your body to face his. His face looked so calm now not like last night. He smiled at you for a awhile.

He suddenly kiss your lips and u wipe it

"Huftt i know u must be really mad at me rn, im sorryy babe, i messed up"

"Oh you call me babe now?"

"Sorry sorryy Y/N, babe, i really regret what i did to you last night, im sorry, i let my emotion took control of me" he pleaded

"Yea" that was all u said, tried to get up from his tight hands around you

"No no youre not going anywhere" he said

"Huftt... i dont know Ben, im really dissappointed at you right now. The way u treated me last night make me feel like u dont love me anymore. You really know it well that i dont like when people raised their voice on me especially the people i love, you" u said it in tears

"Baby i know, i know you we've been together for 4 years. I really know it well, im sorry that i treated you like youre somekind of punching bag to me. It was just the effect of bad season and the rumour about my teammates, i just really stress and dont know what to do. Instead i let out my anger and bad mood all to you, while all u did for me was just supporting and taking care of me. Im sorry that i called you annoying i didnt mean it. You always such a loving and caring person especially to me , i really lucky to have you in my life. Im the one whos being a dick all the time since the bad season coming for chels" he said it all in tears also

You touched, you know u shouldnt go easy to him after he breaking ur heart like that. But you love him and you know frpm the deep down of your heart that he really didnt mean it. He even put so much effort to find you. You sighs and continue

"I know, you just stressed out but im here as your partner to comfort you, taking care you, hearing you, and loving you okay not a place for you to let out your anger out. I just wanted to support you Ben in every obstacles on your life, dont get it wrong. And ya maybe sorry if im being too much chatty in your house too, ill try reduce it"

"Love noo, its our house not my house. Its ours not only mine, and no youre not chatty im sorry you just wanted to take care of me and please do it for me" he smiled wiping off your tears

"I really regret my act last night, give me one chance to make us better" he continued

"Um noo" you answered

"Baby what do you mean no" he afraid of the possibility of breaking up and losing you

"Are you not gonna forgive and give me a chance?" he panicking

"I do give you a chance but i cant forgive you yet" you said "It was just too much for me, you know it right?"

"Okay okayy, im glad to hear that thank you sweet" he kissed you

"How do i make it up then baby?"

"With a rope and handcuffs maybe?"

"Oh you want to have playtime? thats easy babe. We just need to get home first"

"Yea playtime but this time im not the one whos being tied and hancuffed"

"You mean me?? hell no" benji refused it

"Okay then no sleeping with me for the next 1 week" you threathen

"Noooo, okay okay babyyy im down for it, youre the dom for tonight's playtime" he smiled

"Yayyy and can i ask one more thing again?"

you pleaded with puppy eyes

"Anything for my baby"

"Can you accompany me to watch barbie and going shopping for barbie related things?"

"Yes you can love, its easier than to be a sub for a playtime" he carresed your cheek

"Now can you forgive me now? I need an official statement from you"

"Yeaa kindaaa"

"I take it as a yes princess, and dont ever you call me Ben again, its terrifying"

You indeed never call him by his real name its always Benji, love, baby, babe, etc, because if you call him by his real name he knows it well that he has messed up real bad with you and he didnt like that also.

"And btw why u didnt tell me about thi" ben asked pointing to your wounded hand

"Dont want u to be worried to much at me while youre on the pitch" you smiled innocently

"Love u have to tell me okay, im sorry i didnt even paying attention to it"

"Its okay, im okay now"

"Have you bring it to the doctor?"

"Yes i have, yesterday and she said its totally okay, i just need to treat it well and change my bandages"

"Hmm i see, lets get home right now and take care your wound okay, you also owe me a story of this little accident"

"I will tell u in car, lets get out pf here right now benjii, im hungryy"

"Lets goo, but kiss me first and say i love you baby"

"Why?? u always like it when i call you Benji"

" I like it but baby is more special to me, also just want to make sure you really forgive me :)"

"I forgive you Mr.Ben Chilwell" you kissed him in a passionate kiss, quite long kiss the you two pull out

"And i really love you baby, thats the reason why i cant stay mad at you" rub your nose against his

"But promise me you will never do that again?"

"Promise princess, i will make you happy, im sorry about yesterday alright love? I really regret it, i love you so much"

You two once again pull in for a kiss and then checked out from the hotel and going home.

#ben chilwell #cfc #chelsea #chelsea fc #ben chilwell blurb #ben chilwell fluff #ben chilwell x reader #ben chilwell x y/n #ben chilwell fanfic #fanfic #fandom #fantasy #football player x reader #football #football fanfic #football x reader

[idyllic-affections]

migraine comfort ft. kaveh & baizhu

summary. how do kaveh and baizhu comfort a friend with migraines?

trigger & content warnings. depictions of headaches, migraines, and general imagery of being in pain, as well as descriptions of medication and brief mentions of pills.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff, comfort. kaveh & reader, baizhu & reader. 0.5k words. no pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. i have a headache like at least once every other day and every now and then i am cursed with a skull-splitting migraine that makes me irrationally angry because i'm sensitive to absolutely everything and am in pain. it is not a fun experience! so i wrote this with my two beloveds.... also slightly inspired by june's kaveh x disabled/chronically ill reader fic <3 also another filler post! my requests have been considerably long recently. there's nothing wrong with that! i adore long requests! it just means they'll take a bit longer to come out because you guys give me really good, detailed material to work with 💕

kaveh, who frantically does what he can to ease your pain and baizhu, who's much more calm and articulate in his treatment of your pain.

kaveh genuinely, wholeheartedly hates seeing you in pain. it makes him feel so unbelievably helpless, knowing that he can only really do so much to make you more comfortable, but he's not really thinking much about himself in the moments that you're feeling bad. he may be feeling a little helpless, but he can't imagine how you must feel. frustrated, he'd guess, considering how your head seems to hurt more often than not. he can only imagine how irritating it must be. he's immediately got all the curtains shut tight and all the lights dimmed if you happen to be sensitive to the brightness and he WILL make it so that there is as little loud noise as possible if you're sensitive to that. absolutely no-one is allowed to be loud in your general vicinity when you're feeling unwell. he will gladly tell just about anyone off in your defense. if you find yourself completely incapacitated by your pain, he will get your meds for you. also your meals; he would be glad to prepare them for you. anything you need. water? he's on it, just stay there. also maybe this is just me, but i seriously sometimes just want a hug when my head hurts. kaveh would totally give you all the hugs you want. i just know that being in his arms would be so warm and comforting.

baizhu also hates seeing you in such pain, but he does understand on a more personal level than kaveh. he knows what it's like; he himself is more often in pain than not, so he has the capacity to be not just sympathetic but also empathetic to your situation. he'll hand-craft medication specifically for you and your needs based on your individual symptoms, taking into account any allergies you might have and also considering if you would prefer liquid, pills, or another form of meds entirely <3 he does his best to accommodate for your personal preferences. everything he does for you is very gentle and careful. also if you're irritable, he gets it. you're in pain. you have every right to be angry, to be quite honest. like kaveh, he'll totally do whatever he can to minimize uncomfortable sensory input. it's too bright? don't worry, he'll close the blinds and curtains for you. someone's being a little too loud and it's making your head hurt more? no, no, stay put. he'll handle it. overall i think he's very doting, but in a more professional way than kaveh is! he dotes on you and you can just tell that he's a doctor because of the way he so skillfully monitors your symptoms. he uses his expertise to make it so that you experience as little pain and discomfort as possible. he'll also give you general advice on how to manage migraines in the future, especially for a situation where he happens to be unavailable for any reason—sometimes he might be unable to help because of his own bodily condition. nonetheless, he does what he can.

overall, both kaveh and baizhu are very lovely and doting and will do everything they can to help you out <3

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

#aphelion brainrots 🌸 #favoniuslibrary #astronetwrk #platonic genshin x reader #platonic genshin impact #platonic genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #platonic kaveh x reader #kaveh x reader #platonic baizhu x reader #baizhu x reader

[vindieselsfacebook-blog]

Ranking 7 photos algorithmically served to me attempting to aesthetically stage a Gilmore Girls rewatch

7. Coming in dead last is this disgustingly tragic and confusing combination of frozen mini pizzas and what appears to be a stemless wine glass full of orange juice??? positively hanging on for dear life to a thin, cracked cutting board that looks like it started its life in the Target dollar spot. I can't imagine a more nightmarish stain on my bland white sheets or frustrating debris to try and drain from my laptop keyboard than the pukey combination of marinara sauce and sticky juice, nor can I imagine a more depressing excuse for a comfort meal. Praying this person is a 12 year old trying to feel fancy by stealing a stemless wine glass from their mom while they were distracted by an episode of The Bachelor. Also, can we not find a single vibey Ikea lamp to turn on? Not cropping out the cable in the top right corner is an extra ominous choice. Bonus point for the gay sounding caption caught on screen though. 1/10

6. All I can think of looking at this cursed image is innocently uncrossing my legs and flipping the entire set-up over, spilling sugary milky foamy pumpkin coffee all over my twee cotton sheets, crushing burnt cookie crumbs all up in my grill, poopy melted chocolate chip stains everywhere, and setting my fluffy synthetic pillows ablaze. Making sure the food items are resting unwisely on your laptop but straight up nestling two Glade clearance candles right on your bed is extremely unwell behavior. 2/10

5. These cookies look like hamburger buns with jam and I hate thinking of the texture of them in my mouth but at least the hearts are trying and the waffle knit of the blanket looks cozy. The plate looks like it's resting on crossed legs rather than an actual bed this time. Good job with no open flames!!! 3/10

4. This looks like a second attempt from #6 - these cookies look like an upgrade, even down to the cutesy plate. They're livin' on the wild side with black coffee directly on the bed this time, but I guess that's less insane than multiple lit candles. I'm imagining this poor girl applying lipstick to kiss her list of things she loves which include "2000's movies", "stars/moon", and "pretty clothe" and I realize I am mocking a very lonely little girl and now I feel bad. Keep on binging GG, friend, you need it!!! 4/10

3. First off, trying to post ~aesthetic GG content with tea instead of coffee? Who are you, Luke Danes??? Points subtracted immediately. You're expecting me to think you're just casually whipping up a batch of cinnamon rolls, watching GG AND reading a novel? You're either watching or reading, doll, I simply refuse to accept both. That book is stressing me out. Get a bookmark! 4/10

2. I had to really study this one and decide if it was the same person as the previous photo. It may be, but this one features some important upgrades - that mug may possibly be coffee, the gray sweater looks fuzzy and comforting, cute manicure, and the cinnamon rolls are positively drowning in icing which I respect. I am once again judging your casually open book you fucking liar, but I enjoy the natural lighting and practical desktop surface. I refuse to entertain the thought that a GG rewatch can hit even a little bit on a tiny propped up iPad though. Give me a big TV and a couch/bed or nothing. 5/10

Now this is what I'm fucking talking about!!! Commit to the bit, people. This person put their whole pussy into making that delightful looking drink and stuck to the pumpkin theme. There's some pleasant mood lighting going on and I buy that this could be a tablescape rather than a crowded obstacle course on a twin bed. I am actually curious to try one of those cookies and the sweater weather candle is no doubt contributing positive vibes to the room. All precarious items are safely crowded onto a tray. Still hate the iPad but whatever. 8/10

#gilmore girls #my gg brainworms #i need a hobby lol

[joshriku]

Hello! do you have any cherik fic recs?

i have . so many. (pukes and cries) this is gonna be long but to start off i'm gonna give you my ultimate faves of like. each iteration. so i can be insane. i won't make summaries bc im bad i will just tell you how insane i am.

general thing that none of these have a sad ending or triggering topics bc im. im . I Like Happiness

-curses that can't be lifted by sotano: see. this is about cherik early comics canon right. when they just met in haifa. AND OOOOOOO GH oGH oghghgOGOH I LOVE LEAVING COMMENTS. I LEAVE LONG COMMENTS. I AM VERY ILL IN THE BRAIN WHEN IT COMES TO LEAVING COMMENTS. BUT I LITERALLY STILL CANT FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY IN THIS BC I LOVE IT SO MUCH. LIKE ILL COME AROUND EVENTUALLY OF COURSE. BUT IVE READ IT LIKE 50 TIMES AND ITS SO GOOD ITS SO GOOD IT MAKES ME DERANGED i was reading it yesterday again. as i do. and i had to close the tab bc it made me so unwell. i'm so normal

-afterlife by anna: this fic is so good but for my mental health it's in shambles. You don't get it. i'll be pacing around my room thinking back of scenes in this and im like ALRIGHT. PAUSE TO THROW UP AND CRY. EVER SINCE IVE READ THIS I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME DO YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S POST DAYS OF FUTURE PAST AND THAT MAKES ME SO ILLLLLLL I LOVE DOFP SO BAD AND I LOVE CHARLES IN IT AND im like oh man i need something to make me cry and puke and shit myself and cure my depression im gonna read that fic again. And i do it. and i am cured. after i cry myself out to this i am so normal again

-someplace that is green by mugsandpugs: oh my god. Also bad for my mental health like (pucnhign myself) YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. it's technically x-men evolution but if you know cherik you'll understand it either way so. just. wow. erik can fit so much trauma. I can fit so many emotions. i can be so mentally ill. IREAD IT SO MUCH LIEK THE SLOOOOOWWBWBURRNNNNNNNNN AHH AHH AHH (PUKES AND CRIES) AHH WANDA AND PIETRO. AH. DEAR GOD. U DONT GET IT !!!!!! THE WORLDBUILDIGN!! (curls up and cries)

ok yeah. i'll put under the cut all the other recs i have sorry for being unwell

you should read everything by ao3 user sotano btw. not to be demented or deranged. but they never miss. everything they ever write is so . Oh my god. U dont get it. im ill. i will buy them a house

-tabula rasa by o2doko: the telepathy exploration of this goes so fucking hard

-fair verona by ha_neul: i love gender so much you don't ungerstand trans fics are the world to me they really arre

-tesselation by nekosmuse: oh my god. i mean it's a popular fic so it's probably been read. BUT THE SLAY. GOD. THE WRITING. PUKES AND DIES

-travel advisory by penknife: SORRY FOR RECCING 2003 FICS BUT FLOGOGHGOGOGH THE 2003 PEOPLE GOT IT IN WAYS NOBODY ELSE DIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

-no capes by dedkake: this just hits all the spots of needing lighthearted comedy and keeping the magneto / professor x dynamic i so desperately crave. i love when authors play around with their identities while loosely sticking to canon hehe

-all these miles (just to get back home) by isthiswhatiam: you gotta read everything he posts tbh BUT this one is my personal fav i love post dark phoenix u_u

-in dreams begin responsibility by kass: im telling u the pre 2011 fics go so hard. and for what. My god. uim ill it's so good

-sweet by sadbigchungus: its so good. Do u know how fukcing hard it is to get krakoa cherik content. hard. but this hits all the sweet spots i love it so much it's so good

-a good night's sleep by insertsthmeaningful: Can i just say this author writes so much good fic and i am absolutely obsessed. as well as im obsessed w post assassination in xforce cherik like aoghogogjogghOGGH

-the way it travels in and keeps emitting light by populuxe: it's OGHGOGH i love reading this one. it's so hard to find fics that actually talk about disabilities and this one does it SO well and erik is SO perfect in this fic im sick!!

-a nice boy (the family matters edition) by pocky_slash: i don't wanna talk about how hard i cry when i reread this one i might have family issues of sorts.

-a winter's journey by red: i love old cheirk so mcuh it makes me want to eat my ownf oot

-the trouble with trilbies by obstrinatix: I LOVE. OLD MEN. CHERIK

-& other words by questors: this is so good like the worldbuilding genuinely floors and runs me over until im nothing but an useless dough

-necessary downtime by unforgotten: i . old cherik. Ogjjgjkrlgjlslkfd

-bug on a plate by lindstrom: ANOTHER ONE THAT ACTUALLY DESCRIBES DISABILITIES SUPER WELL AND DOESNT SHY AWAY FROM THEM ITS A HITTTT AND MIDDLE AGED CHERIK JUST HTIS DIFF SORRY

-the last love song and testament of charles f xavier by midrashic: u know what i said about liking afic so much u cant actually bring urself to properly word the comment so youre just waiting and waiting to properly say smth. Yea thats me w this fic too. why's it so fucking good. how am i meant to word my emotions. but hey if i got around to commenting on Afterlife i will to this

-one second and a million miles by madneto: nothing has ever put me through such a slowburn like this fic like it was so insane and crazy i felt like god was slapping me. PLUS. IRENE AND RAVEN ARE IN IT......SLAY!

-bloodbound by ikeracity: u know i didnt care about vampire fics until THIS ONE. WHERE I WAS LIKE. OH. OKAY. THEYRE GOOD ACTUALLY I SEE THE LIGHT IT MAKES SENSE NOW.

-the golden mean by somuchmorethanyouknow: IT'S SO GOOD OK. THE WAY I WISH THIS FIC WAS CANON JSUT BC IT WAS SO GOOD. THE GENOSHA BUILDING OF IT ALL. MY GODDDDDD! I LOVED IT. SO PAINFULLY GOOD. THE WRITING OF CHARLES AND EIRK IS SO EXCEPTIONAL BUT SO IS EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FIC TOO. AH

-make me stay by lynds: well. what can i say. who's to say no to a little telepathy play. sorry for liking bottom erik. as if it's my fault

-before you attempt me (fair warning) by kianspo: i read this one time i was really sad and i shouldnt have because i started crying about never being able to find a love like the one in this fic. anyway it's super good

-everything about it is a love song by pocky_slash: its bad for me. old cherik makes me go through itnso much. i cant believe ill never find love like this

-feels like you're mine by annejumps: Sorry for bottom erik enthusiast. AS IF ITS MY FAULTNTO HAVE SUCH GOOD TASTE

-because it's you that sets the test by equestrianstatue: [DERANGED NOISES] IM LIKEBSO CASUAL ABOUT THIS FIC IM NOT EVEN MENTALLH ILL.

-special studies in mutant topics by populuxe: my ao3 bookmark says "filed under fics i read while having a mental breakdown and saved my mental health" you can bet its so good and sexy and Oghgogngntnntnngng i will have to marry this authors writing style. SUBBING TO THIS AUTHOR ISNT ENOUGH I HAVE TO BUY THEM DINNER IDK

but also the sex thing: this fic ruined my ability to watch dofp. no matter how many times i watch it ill be quoting this fic along to it

thats it. for Now. i actually have more but some of them are just the real popular ones so im like. Yeah youve read it. BUT THE REST MIGHT BE FOR NEXT TIME. I GUESS. SORRY. THIS GOT OUT OF HAND

#asks #I love fanfic and i love talking about fanfic and i love writing fanfic and i love fanfic. #touches this post. mental illness #cherik

[curioussubjects]

fic rec time!

There was this fic I wanted to read, but hadn't yet because it was a wip and, generally speaking, I don't read wips (adhd reeeally doesn't like it). That said, the concept of the fic was really good, and I'm a little obsessed with the other pilotfic the author has written, so I decided to take a peek at the last posted chapter to make sure it didn't end on a cliffhanger from hell -- it didn't. So, this week, I finally relented.

Y'all. Y'all. This fic....this gd fic...I'm on the floor. I read it in a little over a day because life keeps happening (rude), and I haven't stopped thinking about it yet. Probably won't for a while !!

Anyway, it's a good ol' bsg finale fix-it (and we sure love those yes we do). I found the author's solution to be compelling and completely cohesive with the other themes of the story. Unfortunately, while what is posted of the fic is enough that you can kinda fill in the rest, I still can't help but wonder what the rest of the journey would've been. I can imagine multiple endings, as things are, but all, ultimately, hopeful if not happy (or as happy as you can be after genocide and war).

At its core this is a story about breaking the cycle of violence, but not only against the Other. Crucially, it's about ending the cycle of violence against the Self, too. This theme sprawls over not only the human/cylon conflict, but all the interpersonal relationships we'd followed throughout the show. It's achingly and beautifully done with Lee and Kara, in particular.

Speaking of pilots, the author takes some liberty with what happened pre-mini, though they do follow the flashbacks. I have to say that while I don't fully share their interpretation of key points in Kara and Lee's relationship (UB flashback being the real point of contention for me), their take is entirely cohesive within the story and feels true to Lee and Kara just the same.

I don't want to say more because spoilers, but feel free to insert an image of me crying screaming taking a walk to calm down because oh pilots. I know I always want to hug them, but I super need to hug them. Just. Make believe, pears and jail (iykyk). I am severely unwell and emotionally compromised.

Y'all go read it and then come back here and sit with me.

pennyante, idk if you're still out there or if you ever think about this fic, but...if you ever want to finish this fic and you need a hype person hmu.

Here are the specs:

Title: In the Whole World Author: pennyante Rating: Mature Pairings & Characters: pilots (duh), but it's an ensemble fic so canon pairings and many familiar faces Chapters: 23/? (last updated in Sept 2013 /sad) Summary:

The Cylons aren't quite human, and the humans haven't quite forgiven them. Political stability is less certain than ever now that the war is over:  Lee Adama finds himself up for re-election, where being defeated will mean a Gemenese theocracy puppeteered by Leoben Conoy. Meanwhile, Kara Thrace has nothing but questions about her death and destiny. The only answers available come in the form of the vision of a temple, and from her hybrid/comatose husband's cryptic ramblings about a sister artifact to the Arrow of Apollo.

There's violence in the air. Civil war looms. Can Lee and Kara save each other, and keep the fledgling colony whole?

Read on LJ Read on FFN (with extras!)

Excerpt:

She had seen the leash he kept on his self-control, had seen it slacken and tauten. But he never dropped it altogether. She heard, faintly, the sound of an elemental yell erupting over a dark hillside on New Caprica, welling up from a deep pocket of her memory. Almost never.

Testing his control had long since become a favorite pasttime, because where Lee couldn't let anyone see him want, Kara couldn't let anyone see her care. Naturally: forcing him to let on that he wanted her had been the perfect way of showing she didn't care. It was so tempting—all of the pleasure, none of the guilt. The temptation of temptation—to be in his proximity, to draw deeply on the pleasure of goading him, but to not give in to it. She could feel the blood pounding in her throat and wrists, suddenly. Suddenly, she felt alive again.

Lee.

"Mmm. I don't think you're gonna like renting from me, Apollo. First month's rent is three years continuous service on a battlestar."

A raised eyebrow, as if he were saying, What's your game, Starbuck?, and damn if that wasn't good for a heart she hadn't realized was lonely for it. "Paid it," he offered.

"Perfect. Security deposit's a daily hot oil massage for your landlady." Reckless grin never faltering, she watched him, watched the quick gleam flicker across his eyes before he smothered it, felt her first flash of electric heat in weeks. "Garbage pickup is never. Oh, yeah, and heat and electricity are definitely not included."

He didn't crack a smile, this time, which, predictably, made her laugh. God, what was it about him? When was the last time she'd laughed? "On the flip side, the place is an absolute steal; I have a feeling property value around here is about to skyrocket."

Lee lowered himself heavily to the cot, and she noticed, as he did, just how tired he seemed. Had he just come from speaking fruitlessly with his father, coming up against the Old Man's utter withdrawal? From meeting with the ship captains, whose talk of scattering was already sweeping the camp? From looking at the sky and remembering when the arrow of Apollo had let them see earth from Kobol and they'd dreamed of days like this—days they hadn't known would be like this—wordlessly, uncertainly, together?

Was he realizing that life on Earth, like everything else they'd ever shared, had turned out to be both more and less than the prospect of it had been?

When he spoke, it was a riddle—or perhaps it only seemed that way to her, because she was so used to hearing the riddes underlying the things he said to her. They had had their own code for far too long.

This was one she was terrified to decipher.

"Kara. I'm staying with you. Until I can't anymore."

The laughter died in her eyes. Oh, gods, what did I let slip? What did he see?

And then she finally took the time to think about what it meant that he had brought his pack with him, had rolled out his sleeping bag. About whether she wanted him to stay. The answer—the potency of it—jolted her. I should make him go, she thought. Anything else is selfish.

#starpollo #pilots #kara thrace #lee adama #battlestar galactica #fic recs #fanfiction #the hold this gd fic has on my brain rn #unreal tbh

[spushii]

LITERALLY SO GLAD THAT THE FEELING INSANE OVER THIS SERIES IS MUTUAL FR ITS BEEN ABSOLUTELY TEARING ME APART id love to hear your thoughts!!!! *_* I have been itching to read more posts about it but also trying to avoid spoilers rbdbdbjf

I just started nona yesterday, I finished harrow few days ago but god that one fucked with me good I needed a bit to just let everything that happened sink in. like ITS SO GOOD it’s so much darker than the first book and I still don’t have the words to express how much I genuinely enjoyed the second one it’s literally so fucking great. I was almost tempted to reread harrow after I finished it but I wanted to read all three before any rereads lol but the attachment I have to these characters is insane I just fucking cling to them so badly I am so unwell. love gideon, my best friend gideon I miss her sm…

SQUEEEEEEEEEE IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKED HARROW!!! its such a phenomenal book its so. um. Harrowing. lol. im going to have a really hard time articulating just all of the Shit That I Think About with this book series because there really really is so much.

getting right into the meat of my thoughts i guess. i really love how Gideon's bit with Ianthe at the end of HtN recontextualizes the bit of the pool scene where Harrow talks about the first time she saw The Body. where it really does feel like in that moment Gideon simultaneously realized that she was in love with Harrowhark and that Harrow would never feel the same. And i think it allows you to glean some of the genuinely a little bit selfish motivation behind Gideon's suicide. There were a lot of things that motivated Gideon to kill herself so Harrow and Camilla could live, but i think a significant portion of it was her not wanting to live a life indebted to Harrow in a way she would never be content with (Connecting mostly to Harrow asking her to return to the ninth house and care for it ((and by extension, The Body)) in her stead, in the event of her death), which is to say in the grand scheme of things, the choice between Living for Harrow and Dying for Harrow was a very easy one to make for Gideon Nav.

I dont have as much analysis for this but god i think all the fucking time. About Gideon the First attacking Harrow in the bathroom. and the subsequent Everything. It's just so fucking. Bleak. Reading it is physically exhausting. It's so. oh my god. I don't even know what to say. Fucking "Harrow, do something normal." I'm Going To Kill Myself. Im Going To Kill John Gaius. The fact that she KILLS him and it doesnt even KEEP. THE FUCKING. THIS. HARROWWWWW

HARROWHARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL IN MY LIFE AFTER IVE READ THIS

I do love John. as much as i hate him i love him as well. He's such a fucking coward. such a worthless piece of shit. such a suffocatingly interesting character. I love when Harrow tries to ask him about Alecto and he goes on about fucking "You'd make a hell of a daughter, Harrowhark. I sometimes indulge in the wish that you'd been mine." LITERALLY FUCKING WHAT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOTU WHERE AM I.what if you had a crush on a girl but you had an even bigger crush on her dad's dead ex-girlfriend and then her dad told you that he wished you were his daughter. i feel so fucking abnormal

EDITING THIS POST BECAUSE I FORGOT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WAKE. WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT???????????????? god i think forever about how much Gideon Nav loved her mother. how much she clung to the belief that she was loved. Has Gideon Nav ever been knowingly loved by anyone, in her life? Maybe Aiglemene loved her, in a way. But Gideon wouldn't have known that until it was far too late to treasure it. Harrow certainly loves her, but Gideon can't believe that. Not with The Body in the way. Not with Harrow, to Gideon, seeming so disgusted with her final act of devotion that she destroyed her own mind to be rid of the knowledge of it. Magnus treated her kindly, but kind is a far cry from love. But she loved her mother. Held the belief so desperately-yet-gently close to her chest, that her mother loved her too. Loved her enough to come crashing and burning through the Ninth planet's atmosphere and dying herself on the way down. Loved her enough to protect her life at the expense of her own. Imagine, then, for Gideon to learn that she was a tool. A key. Her destiny in life was to die within the first days of her birth; a blood sacrifice, as her mother willed it. Her mother hadn't brought her to the Ninth House in an attempt to save her, she'd brought her there on her way to kill her. Its So. God. Fuck this fucking book. Has Gideon ever been loved? Every truly been loved by anyone in this world? If she has, she doesn't know it.

#ask #there's so much more i could get into. i think so much about ianthe shes such a slimy bitch i love her to pieces #i kind of want her. girl can you emotionally manipulate me into having sex with you next ^_^<-JOKE #im so excited for you to get deeper into nona. for like the whole last third of the book i felt like i was going to start pulling hair out #<-GOOD THING

[anthyvarietyhour]

So... Did you actually do any of that stuff though? Did any of what they said happen? Sending anon hate to people who had you blocked on a new account? If so, your response to all this is pretty troubling. Threatening to delete your account and posting about suicide over fandom drama that you seem to be actively engaging in is dangerously unwell behavior, especially considering that you've done this before in the past. People should not be sending you rape threats of course, but I can't encourage provoking them either if they blocked you on your own account. I hope you do take a lot of time off and spend it trying to mature to a point where problems that are entirely online and of your own making (if that did indeed happen) don't cause you to want to end your life. Please go back to therapy, it's clearly needed.

Coming back to Tumblr briefly to respond to this.

I did not attempt to commit suicide over fandom drama, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you ever assume that. I've been unwell way before any of this "fandom drama" happened. Stop acting like you know me personally when you clearly do not, this is a very weird assumption to make.

And two, these problems aren't entirely of my own making. The original problem started when these people started to violently harass me and call me a pedophile over writing NSFW content of characters they had assumed to be minors (which they aren't). You have to understand that as of writing this, this situation happened over a year ago, and I've already acknowledged that I shouldn't have done that. But you need to understand that I do not appreciate being called a pedophile when, for a good chunk of my childhood, my father stuck his nasty penis is places that a 12-year-old shouldn't even be thinking about. You're actively siding with people who chose to call me a child predator whilst knowing that I got raped as a child multiple times, and it's very disgusting of you.

And for the record, I am in therapy. Please stop making assumptions if you do not know me personally. I'm turning off my ask box, goodbye.

[livswritingpile]

About Me

If you are under 18, do not interact with my content. It is not made with you in mind~ At All.

Hello, hello!

I am a 28 year old Canadian, He/They, Pan-Poly individual with a lot of issues I'm trying to wrangle into forms that make sense, who is currently on a long wait list to be screened to see what is actually wrong upstairs, even if I have an over all good idea of what might be the issue(s). Safe to say, because this I do have diagnosis's for is that I'm mentally unwell and neurodivergent (Depression, Anxiety, 'Gifted').

I have an educational background in the business administration field, specialty marketing. If I come off strangely formal in places, it's likely because the majority of my social skills points are dumped into Business to Business communications~

I have a long and deeply traumatic life that started being traumatic at age 2 that only stopped being actively traumatic Nov. 2021. ...It shows in how and what I choose to write. As a young and budding writer, I was taught to write what you know. ...My real life was a horror story that most people refuse to touch in fiction, so I write the horror that other people can't because I lived it first hand. It's one part to heal my own mind, one part to bring that these things do happen to light, and one part to entertain. I never, EVER condone the actions of my fantasies in writing, and I am very self aware of the cause and effect of negative actions on the human psyche. You will find a lot of 'Man is the real monster' as a baseline vibe in my works. And that I am a shameless 'Monster Fucker'. I consider myself Pan-sexual, because the spectrum of gender for non-humanoid creatures expands far past a standard binary~

I tend to bounce from topic to topic of hyper-fixations. If I stop focusing on a fandom you're really into, I am deeply sorry, but that's just how I work! I write for myself. I just so happen to know that other people like sometimes reading what I write for myself~ I like cute. I like horror. I like things that apply real world psychology to a creative outlet with respect and dignity to the illness/disorder behind it, even if it is done through the lens of horror. The cause of a considerable number of psychological conditions expressing... is trauma after all~ I have done a lot of research partly due to my own problems into cptsd, and the disorders that tend to arise and express because of it, and tend to keep a lot of that in mind when writing (and reading).

I have self guided a lot of my healing journey because I was not in a position where I could seek help for quite some time, but still needed to do something about it for my own sanity's sake. ...This also shows in how I interact with people. I am only now able to start communicating and expressing outside my very private bubble. If I don't respond to you right away, or I come across strange or weird, know it's not you, and I am just trying my best. I am well aware of boundaries, and the fact because of how I am, I come across very 'Other'. If I ever make you feel uncomfortable, or I seem to have misunderstood, please feel free to tell me. I will do my best to screen myself, but because my filters are adapted to the abnormal things may slip out, and I will never take offense if someone needs me to adjust slightly for their comfort so long as the request is kind and reasonable.

Any questions, or concerns, my inbox is open~!

TL;DR Canadian Trans Dude, almost 30. Damaged. Writes mainly horror. Won't interact with minors. Is awkward and strange but generally harmless.

#minors do not interact #about me

[sicjimin]

A.N : releasing another draft bc i haven't be able to do some writing .. (anyone that has been send me request .. I'm sorry pls be patient w me TT) . anw, does anyone still remember hyuna's little family lol. here is another part of them .. idk why i wrote this , i just missed yoonmin . i hope this one .. makes sense TT and i hope u guys like it !

TW : emeto, graphic description of vomiting

Jimin parted his mouth slightly, hoping that it would help him breathing through nausea a little bit better. He didn't know what kind of bug that latching on him this morning, but now he's feeling like shit. He's dizzy and on the verge of vomiting.

"Papa? Are you okay?", Jimin snapped from his dazed mind when he heard his daughter asks, watching him intensely. Jimin mustered a strained smile, " I'm okay sweetheart", quickly washing the soap from Hyuna's body. The little girl giggles at the sudden warm water rushing on her head, washing the shampoo down from her black hair.

Jimin lips quiver, he bites his inner cheeks as nausea in his stomach becomes unbearable. He inhales a deep breath, shakily cleans her daughter up and drying her body, wrapping her in her rob, "Hyuna baby, can you go to Appa and asks him to dress you up?"

Hyuna frowns, "Want with Papa. Appa can't braid my hair!"

Jimin shut his eyes, gulped down warm liquid that was already on the back of his tongue, "Just asks him to dress you. I will braid your hair in a minute, okay baby? Can you do that?"

Hyuna contemplates, if it's not because of he need to puke his guts out, he would coo at the sight of his daughter pouting. Indicating that she's thinking hard. Jimin ruffles her hair, "Now go"

She smiled, the same gummy smile that Yoongi had, before skipping her way to Yoongi in the living room.

Jimin sighs when Hyuna is already out from the bathroom. That's when he decided to let his body take over, a wet gag immediately escaped from his throat. He shifts his position to the toilet, lifting the seat, and propped his arms on the rest. He squeezed his eyes shut, Fuck, he's so nauseous.

It didn't take long before his stomach twist, gurgling up what he ate for dinner up to his throat and rushing from his shaky lips. He winced with the loud sound of his retches and the sound of liquid filling the bowl. He gasps before another mouthful followed by. He slowly opened his eyes, coughing to get rid of the remnants that stuck on his throat. His hand grips the edge of the toilet when the queasy feeling returns, forcing him to empty the contents of his stomach again into the bowl. And another mouthful comes after, this time more bitter than the last. The sight of his food that now becomes a lumpy liquid only sets his stomach off. He keeps belching more vomit until there is nothing left inside his body. He breathes heavily, wiping his sweat from his face, wiping the tears forming in his eyes from the crying he did earlier while throwing up. He tries to push himself away from the bowl, but the urge of vomit still lingers.

"Jiminie?", he lifts his head, meeting with Yoongi's worried gaze on the doorstep. The older slowly come closer and kneels beside him, " What happened sweetheart?"

Jimin wipes the corner of his mouth, swallowing thickly, "I don't know-" He hiccuped, "I don't know why I'm this sick".

Yoongi nods, brushing the bangs away from Jimin's face, " Do you want me to call the doctor?".

The younger shakes his head, "No no, I'll just lie down and sleep it off, maybe have some soup later."

He felt Yoongi's hand cup his cheek tenderly, "Do you feel unwell? Are you still having pains somewhere in your stomach?"

Jimin sniffles, leaning his head on Yoongi's crooks, "No, i just feel so dizzy and nauseous", he mumbled, "Where's Hyuna?"

"Playing in the living room. He comes to me telling me that you gonna braid her hair and sulking when you didn't come after i finished dressed her up" Yoongi chuckles, lightly rubbing the younger back.

"Are you feeling better? Let's get out from here and rest on our bed, hm?", Yoongi suggested.

Jimin nodded, he let Yoongi pull him up. Jimin follows behind quietly as the older leads them towards their bedroom.

" Papa!", Hyuna burst through the door, immediately running to Jimin that just lay down, "Papa braid my hair! You told me that you gonna do it", she pouts, climbing beside Jimin that smiles weakly at him. Before Jimin could say yes, he heard Yoongi scolds her, " Hyuna .. Papa is sick. Don't bombard him like that"

Hyuna snapped his head, "Papa are you sick?", tears start welling in her eyes, " Papa are you sick because you take a bath with me? because i ask to braid my hair? I won't ask it again .. don't be sick, Papa"

Jimin smiles sadly, "No baby, I'm fine, really", he reaches out and strokes Hyuna's soft black locks gently.

Hyuna sniffled, hugging Jimin. She leans her cheek on his chest, sniffling softly as she feels sad. Tears start to stream down her face, falling onto Jimin, " Hey, don't cry. I'm fine, just need a little rest, okay? Now let's braid your hair, sit up!"

Hyuna sniffles, but still sit up and facing his back on Jimin. Jimin starts parting her hair and does the braids.

"I will prepare something for you to eat", Yoongi says beside him. Jimin nods slowly and chuckles when the older kiss his cheeks before disappearing behind the door.

When Yoongi comes back with a bowl of soup and water, Hyuna is already lost in her movies and Jimin resting beside her. Jimin looks up as soon as he heard his husband enter, smiling fondly. He takes the spoon from Yoongi and eating the soup first before offering it to Hyuna, who accepted it without hesitation, her own spoon in hand.

"Papa is very good at braiding my hair", Hyuna says, slurping on her spoon.

Jimin laughs softly at her comment, nodding, "Of course I am, baby" He replies, kissing her forehead gently.

They almost finished the soup when Jimin suddenly stop, pressing his fist on his mouth. Yoongi frowns, "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Can you fetch me a bucket or anything hyung?", Jimin swallows thickly. Yoongi's eyes widen, he scrambles on his feet and takes the bag from their groceries yesterday. He emptied it before give it to Jimin, that immediately opened it with shaky hands.

" Papa?", Hyunna calls out. Jimin smiled at him, saying "I'm okay". Hyuna frowns, putting her spoon on the tray and scoots closer to Jimin, her eyes going back and forth between Jimin and the plastic bag in his hand, " No you're not", she pouts as she hugs the younger male.

"You're going to throw up", Yoongi states, as he pull Hyuna away, "Hyuna sweetheart, don't latch on your Papa like that, okay?"

"I want to hug the bad sick away!!", she scrambles on Yoongi's arms to hug Jimin again.

Jimin smiled weakly at his daughter's antics before squeezing his eyes shut as he places the bag under his mouth. Soon enough, his shoulder rolls as he gags, filling the bag with half-digested soup he just ate. His stomach hurts as if someone punched him, making him whimper softly between gags, " It hurts so bad hyung"

"I know, love"

"Papa ..", Hyuna cries, and keep hugging Jimin. She didn't like his Papa look in pain. Yoongi almost coos at the sight as Hyuna has her cheeks wet with tears but she keeps clinging and patting Jimin back.

Jimin continued gagging and spitting. When he managed to swallow it down, he heaved once more, emptying his insides out. The bag starts getting heavy in his grip, as liquid keep pouring from his mouth, this time more watery rather than the first time he throws up. His stomach still churned as if it were trying to expel everything. After vomiting everything, he collapses on the bed. Panting heavily, trying his best to catch his breath. His vision was blurring. His vision became hazy. He can feel Yoongi carding his fingers through his hair.

"You sure you don't want to go to the doctor?" Yoongi asked.

Jimin shakes his head.

"You've been vomiting a lot"

Jimin sighs, " I know... i guess it's just a bug"

Yoongi was still not convinced, "Let's wait until tomorrow okay? If i keep throwing up until tomorrow then you can bring me to the doctor", Jimin tried reassuring Yoongi.

Yoongi sighs in defeat, " Okay. You need to rest now, do you need anything?"

"Just stay next to me", Jimin mumbles. Yoongi nods, " Hyuna come here"

"Papa, sleep! Papa need sleep to fight the bad sick!", Hyuna scoots closer to Yoongi, resting his head on the older male chest while babbles, as she tugs Jimin's sleeves to lay down.

Jimin chuckles, slowly lets himself slide down on the sheets. His eyes fluttered close, "Yes, let's sleep baby. Thank you for taking care of me"

#bts sickfic #bts emeto #tw emeto #tw vomit #sick!jimin #caretaker!yoongi

[helenazbmrskai]

Jimin as a merman 🧜‍♂️

• "Stop looking like a kicked puppy, will you? Smile, we are on a vacation." Hyeri having none of my passive attitude I honestly feel a little guilty about my bad mood which is clearly affecting her and when she is frustrated she sulks like a kid but she can't blame me before our vacation a letter sat on my coffee table my long-time crush whom I hold close to my heart with an unhealthy unrequited love buried deep inside the imaginary pocket in my most vital organ just sent me a letter to seek out my congratulations on his wedding which is in fact in this weekend and I am here sitting next to my friend under an umbrella and watching the waves of Busan hoping that the spirals will wash away this weird feeling this uneasiness the weather is warm and the water is invitingly lukewarm but I can't help but mop around and throw sand I can't control my emotions or in this case my facial expressions even if I wanted to.

• "You know why I am like this," I call her out on her insensitive behaviour. She knows how hard it is for me but she still insisted that I should have fun just because she ordered me to come with her to this vacation when I truthfully said I don't want to.

• "I'm really tired of you pinning for that guy he is getting married for the love of god can't you pull your head out of your ass and move on?"

• I pursue my lips together with her every word stabs at my heart and I know she is right but it still hurts not just her words but that she is saying them now when the betrothal invitation is still fresh in my mind it's probably still laying on the table where I left it the previous night neatly folded with tear stains on them.

• "I'll be right back." I give her a tight-lipped smile rushing to the isolated area of the beach which is blended with rocks where the waves splash upon them the comforting rhythmic of the water crashing against the high rocks soothes my nerves. I sit on a nearby stone easing my legs into the water carefully which is indeed warm. I throw my head back a heavy sigh leaves my chapped and parted lips eyes closed to bath in the overwhelming self-pity I feel for myself right now.

• Something moves a few feet away I can hear the faint sound of a grunt my eyes shot open scanning the area to locate the origins of this noise. I stand up to go closer to the water looking between rocks a pair of eyes find mine the boy grips the rocks to steady himself pupils dilated and pure horror evident in his face. We stand there looking into each other's eyes for long moments neither of us moving he mostly because of shock and me mostly because of curiosity.

• "What are you doing down there?" I ask the stranger in a low and honeyed tone I don't want to scare him away his eyes are full of unreadable emotions so I am extra careful with my words he looks like he will disappear if I am too forceful.

• He opens and closes his mouth like he doesn't know what he wants to say a huge blush starts forming on his pale skin I swear I can see his grip is tightening on the rocks I'm worried he might cut his fingers on the rough surface.

• Sensing his discomfort I send him a sincere smile a bit forced but that's the most I could muster at this moment and it seemed enough because he smiled back. A blinding smile full of teeth and cheeks such a lovely sight that I hope he will never stop smiling at me like that.

• The silence is nice I sit and just aimlessly looking beyond the horizon watching the endless water flowing as showing his eternal beauty some sort of calmness envelopes me when I found the eyes of the gentle stranger again he comes across as less cautious and more curious now. Inching closer to my stiff body he experimentally touches my feet his fingers glide against my skin with ease my leg jerks away his eyes look up to see if I am feeling uncomfortable but I just chuckle because of the tickling sensation. His touch is warm and wet, his hand leave drops behind making me shiver when a strong stroke of wind encompasses

• He flattens his palm against my thigh warm and gentle almost feather like I watch him as he explores my features I feel exposed and examined under his curious gaze I almost forget why I was so sad and angry in the first place but unfortunately it's just as it sounds an almost

• "Uh, can I at least know your name before you touch me more?" I don't know why I let his wandering hands on my legs but I don't feel like I should worry about his intentions his smile was so pure before the only thing I see in his eerie orbs are wonder and awe no bad intentions like lust or mischieve.

• "M-my name is Jimin." I wanted to coo at his light and charming voice if it was even possible his face burns with more embarrassment he quickly removes his hands gripping the rocks again but he stayed there right next to me he doesn't leave or purposefully make a move to distance himself from me. He just looks shy in a cute way.

• "Jimin." I taste each syllable on my lips rolling off my tongue like an unseen breeze that caresses our faces unseen but tender in a way he blushes further hearing his name as I address him with utter carefulness and warmth. Like I am in a trance the aura that surrounds him is intoxicating in the best way possible leaving no room for rotting thoughts and insecurities. I feel content for the first time like Jimin can be the cure I wasn't even looking for. The cure for my aching heart is in his eyes that holds a million stars captivated in them the smile which brings joy and shakes me to the bone. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea this feeling I am not sure I was capable of.

• "I'm Y/N." I speak when I realize I never shared my name with him. He gifted me one of his big smiles reaching his eyes with the fondness he clasps the rocks firmer to hold himself above the water a silhouette of a tail flicks the water in my direction the droplets make me lean away my stare is fixed on the spot underwater my lips part to question him but I don't even know what to ask. A tail? What does this mean?

• "D-don't be afraid." I rip my gaze from the water to see Jimin's eyes reflecting anxiety and fear he holds his hand out in my direction to touch me to reassure me but he never makes contact with my skin. He swims away his tail appear above the water for a millisecond before diving back in under the depth of the water.

• "Jimin?" I call out his name but he doesn't appear again no matter how many times I call for him. I bite my lip looking for his form but the water is too deep to see where he went. He left and I didn't have the chance to tell him I am not afraid. I was never afraid of him.

• Hyeri taking in my gloomy state as I venture back to the place I left she sighs she gently weights down his palm against my shoulder she looks at me with a guilty expression.

• "I am sorry Y/N I know I was cruel to you saying those things. I just hope you could move on from him and be happy." Understanding flashing in my eyes I smile at her pulling her in a bone-crushing hug. My thoughts were so full of Jimin's sudden appearance and disappearance that I forgot why I left and why I am here in the first place.

• "You were right. Yes it hurts but its the truth. I'll try to move on. I think I might be ready." The reality finally clashing with my dream filled foolishness the wedding invitation materalizing in my head the final push that I realize we are really not meant to be.

• I ponder about my memories with him. Why I fell in love with him is because he is tender and too nice for his own good. No matter how hard I tried the timing was always off. He found the girl of his dreams I remember the jealousy I felt when he first introduced her to our friend's group I never paid attention to how in love they were. No, they are. The guilt suffocates me heavier than ever before finally seeing through my envy and false hope I can't blame anyone but me. I was foolish. I wonder if I ever sincerely loved him as I thought I am but it's not right. I was loving the way he made me feel I was hunting those feelings like I desperately wanted to be loved. Seeing myself in this new light I felt like crying.

• Just then I thought about Jimin and his full-blown smile his tender touches and the hurt and fear in his eyes as he swam away. I wanted to see him again. He made me feel all sort of things I never felt before I didn't realize I am walking in the direction of that rocky area I first met him but I made myself absurdly stop.

• Do I have the right to feel like that?

• What if I am just sinking my fangs into my next victim he was nice to me and I am ready, no, more than eager to fill the void after the guy I thought I truly loved are now engaged. He would be sick of me he would be disgusted by me.

• I turn to leave. Yes, it's for the best. I was so blinded by my own greed that I never considered him. So I did the first step I never thought I'll ever be able to accomplish.

• "Hello? Y/N? Is that you?" I gulp once I hear his voice on the other side of the phone. He was quick to answer considering that I avoided him I can't be surprised that he is worried about me he was always like this. He cares for his friends deeply.

• "Yes, it's me. I am sorry but I can't be there on your big day. But hey let's meet after I get back I want to congratulate you guys in person." I propose I feel a lump in my throat but I stand my ground.

• "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But it's fine you seemed unwell so rest as long as you want." A laugh escapes comically entertained by his words they don't stink as much as I thought they would.

• "No need to worry about me just focus on your wedding. I am fine I think I really am." I am shocked I could talk with such virtue admitting my faults maybe helped me realize what we had and had not made things easier in a way.

• "See you when you get back right?" The hopefulness in his voice caught me off guard I faintly heard her voice calling for him but he's waiting for my answer instead of replying to his fiance.

• "See you then."

• After the phone call, I thought I would cry but the only feeling is there yet emptiness and its the good type.

• "I am so proud of you Y/N. Really." Hyeri who watched our exchange smiled hugging me close a comfortable silence envelopes us as we stay like this for a little longer.

• Approaching with a wild heart and uneasy steps I'm stunned my steps halting like its rooted to the sand all of a sudden to see Jimin out of the water resting on a rock his tail lazily flicking the water with a swinging motion. Gaze trained far away as he played with the water twisting and turning it with his hands just for the liquid to escape his attempts of caging them between his fingers but in vain as it pours back to its rightful place.

• "Why are you sulking here alone?" I take a big step, finding my voice in the process.

• "You came back." Disbelief shadows his tone looking with big round eyes it's hard to look away from his dreamy gaze but I had to when I almost fall into the water while climbing onto the rock he occupies.

• Light giggle finds its way out of his parted lips steadying me with his familiar warm hands on both sides of my waist I beam at him watching as his tail wags creating an uneasy wave just as a puppy would do in favour of showing his happiness.

• "You really came back." Hearing it again perks my interest up. Does this mean?

• "You came here every day in case I come back?" My eyes widen as Jimin's face immediately turns into a very vivid shade of red even his ears are on fire. He fidgets in his sitting position the way he laps the water with his tail slows down looking everywhere just not into my eyes.

• "I was thinking about you too. I just needed time to think about something. It's not related to you though I don't mind really if you are human or not." I offer him a smile just like the first time but now I feel happier, I can truly smile at him with no cloudy thoughts or negative emotions. This smile is only for him and he seems to appreciate it as his smile is more blinding than the last one I saw.

• "I wanted to see you again Y/N." I laughed in an unladylike manner his shyness is endearing in a cute way he watched his hands intertwined in his lap in nervousness a new feeling bubbling in the depth of my stomach as I watched him I felt the urge to touch him hold his hand hug him tight. Is this normal to feel that way? I'm not sure.

• "You're not exactly looking right now." I decided to tease him liking the reactions I can get out of him.

• "I am." He locked his gaze with mine his lip formed a sly smirk when I wasn't able to come up with a witty response shutting down completely when he focused solely on me bare emotions played out in front of my eyes to see. Relief, hope and something else swimming in the depth of that dark orbs of his. Jimin's playfulness is messing with my head big time.

• "Can I touch your tail?" I shyly requested the shining skin makes my eyes wander the length entertaining the idea of how it would feel to touch it. It's probably firm and strong since he swims with it so it has to be strong to push through the uncontrollable waves.

• "Go ahead. Is it only fair no? I touched your legs last time." I nod not trusting my voice how the table has turned I'm the one who is blushing this time.

• It's wet and the texture is weird but I can't help myself. I caress the line where his skin ends and the tail begins I can feel him shudder under my touch I venture further after going down the length of his tail as much as my hand can go I press my fingers into his stomach defined and hard I wonder if all mermen are this fitt as Jimin is.

• "That's not my tail Y/N." The call of my name and the playful tone makes me bashful I pull away apology is on the tip of my tongue when he takes my hand placing it onto his erratically beating heart I look him in the eye to understand what he's trying to tell me with this.

• "I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel different like I never felt before." I start mumbling confused with my actions I try to pull my hand away but he refuses to let me.

• "Nothing is wrong with you. I feel the same. I have this weird excitement in the pit of my belly I want to touch you and I want you to touch me. I think we are soulmates Y/N."

• "What?" Taken aback by the sudden claim Jimin holds my hand tighter fearing that if he allows me go I'll disappear and maybe he is right with that.

• "Don't be scared, please. Let me explain." His eyes begging me to let him rationalize and it pulls at my heartstrings I nod silently letting my fingers stretch out to stroke his skin he relaxes as he releases a long breath I wasn't aware he held back before this very moment.

• "I felt the connection like I was electrified your smile felt like home I was never so attracted to someone as I am to you. Please believe me when I say I am certain that you are the one. The one I was destined to spend the rest of my life with."

• "I don't know Jimin. How is this even possible?" I am a bit sceptical I was never one of those who believed in soulmates. Even if seeing him and every fibre of my body wanted to believe in his thoughtful words that we are meant to be. I am still broken not sure how to swallow this.

• "You don't feel the same, do you?" My heart sinks as his clear eyes hazed by pain. I shake my head I want to comfort him that I feel it that I know what he is implying.

• "I do Jimin." I gaze at him lovingly with a sad smile as soon as his eyes clear it clouds again within seconds.

• "Then why are you looking so sad?" He pushes away my hands on his skin as if I burned him with that single touch and I can't blame him.

• "I liked someone. I was obsessed actually." I start I look up to the sky instead of his face it's easier to talk when I can't see the storm of emotions in them.

• "You are nice Jimin, more than nice. You're perfect and I am broken. I am a horrible person I am miserable and I don't want you to sink in this ship with me. You deserve better than that."

• "Bullshit I want you." Even though I love his determination and it makes my heart flutter I still hesitate to accept his love that would mean I am nothing better than the person who was pinning for his friend when he already loved someone else.

• "How about we .. slow down?" I trail off a little thinking about what should I say that I won't hurt him more than I already did.

• "Slow down to what?" Jimin seems genuinely confused like he doesn't understand me.

• "Let's get to know each other Jimin. We can figure things out together? I would like that."

• "I'm willing to do anything if it means your not going to leave me."

• "Sit with me?" I tap the cold rock next to me Jimin is excited to hop down to the spot splashing a bucket worth of water at me when he used his strength to pull out of the mass of transparent liquid.

• "You look happier today." He looked at me in pure joy. I am happy if you are happy. I smile nodding and kissing his nose as a soft thank you leaves my lips.

• "What for?"

• I give another kiss this time to the corner of his mouth after he questions me amazed by my affectionate actions.

• I went home for a couple of days to visit my parents and to meet with Kyu and his wife we had coffee and some pleasant conversation. I packed my bags and told everyone who is close to me that I'll permanently move to Busan. I had a girls night out with Hyeri the last day. I can tell Jimin was eager to meet me after we haven't seen each other for a week. Things are going well. Too well actually that I often question how long will it last. But not today.

• "I missed you." The words escape without my consent but I don't regret it because Jimin's dazzling smile takes my breath away. Snuggling into my neck as he always does when he feels suddenly shy warms my heart understanding just now what he meant that fateful night it does feel like home.

• "I missed you too." Murmuring it into my skin I let my eyes wander this spot became our spot. I push his head to face me he whines but complies nonetheless using that look against me I so much come cherish like I lit up his dark sky and hung all the stars for him to help along his tiring journey. It's content just to be here and I understand the concept of soulmates for the first time.

• "I have good news for you. Not just for you for us as well." I continue capturing his undivided attention he eyes me curiously.

• "Tell me don't tease me more Y/N." He gives me his best pout the one he knows I cannot say no to.

• "I bought a house here to live with you." My confidence wavering not sure how he will react but my fear dissolves as he smiles cupping my jaw to bring our faces closer. He looks extremely happy.

• "You did? So you won't leave anymore?"

• Nodding to satisfy his enthusiastic neediness confirming my statement with a one more uttered 'yes' before he leans in.

• I tangle my fingers in his locks smiling into the kiss sensing how eager is he to please. I change the angle to deepen

• Tongues intertwined kissing him leaves a salty after taste that is so Jimin he smells like wildflowers his skin is glistening in the sun provided spotlight wet fingers caressing my warm skin thumb moving against my cheekbone I decide to pull on his upper lip I am satisfied when I hear an impatient groan from him

• The kiss gets sloppy after a couple of seconds chasing each other touch while bathing in the setting sun's low glow.

• "I am so glad I met you Jimin. My Jimin." I comb through his hair see him panting to gain back the oxygen I stole from him eyes half-lidded still immersed in the taste he got wishing that we would never stop kissing like this.

• "I'm yours." The breathless answer came soon after.

• With a widening smile I pull him closer he follows my movements like a ragdoll taking in his flustered state I want to tease him more but I decided against it.

• "Do you love me Jimin? Because I certainly do."

• Jimin whines painfully that I start to think I said something wrong but he is quick to reassure me pecking my lips for a short time but dives in soon parting my lips with his own to get another taste.

• "I do. I do love you. I'll always will no matter what."

#bts jimin #jimin fluff #jimin x reader #jimin moodboard #jimin edit #supernatural!au #bts drabble #merman!bts #merman!jimin #bts mermaid au #mermaid au #jimin fanfic #jimin fanfiction #supernatural au bts #bts #bts au fic #bts au fanfic #bts au #bts fluff #bts angst

[pinkpaganofficial-blog]

Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

#anorexia recovery #bulimia recovery #self love #feels #rant #feelings #depression #anorexia #my past #struggle #victory #pinky