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rebeccccccaaa · 3 years

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ᴄᴀᴛ’s ɢᴏᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛᴏɴɢᴜᴇ?

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ᴄᴀᴍ ʙᴏʏ/ʀᴏᴏᴍᴍᴀᴛᴇ! ʙᴜᴄᴋʏ ʙᴀʀɴᴇs x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀᴀᴜ

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: You have always been more modest not really ever having time to explore what could have been some sort of sensual alter ego and when Bucky finds out hes determined to bring the sex goddess in you out.

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: slight fluff if you count flirty bucky, smut ofc (minors dni) [cam boy bucky (slight tipsy bucky and reader in the beginning); brief male masterbation (bucky has his door open during a session); fem!rec oral; hair pulling; spanking; real dirty talking; strong language, degradation; loss of virginity/ virgin reader but not innocent, touch starved reader, and overstim, overall pretty rough but aftercareeee]

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ’s ɴᴏᴛᴇs: sorry in advanced if you don’t like iced coffee lol

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“There’s no way; you’re such a fucking liar,” Bucky threw his head back with laughter.

“I knew I shouldn’t have fucking said anything,” you scoff, rolling your eyes before standing up with annoyance.

“No! Don’t go, come on. I didn’t mean it like that,” he chuckled.

“Yeah right,” you scoffed.

“Can I ask why?”

“I mean, honestly. I just never really had time. Although, I did avoid sweaty football players all of high school, but being in uni I just want to grind and grind, you know? Finish school and get my degree. I don’t really have much time going out and getting laid,” you explained.

“Shit, does my… ‘side job’ make you uncomfortable? I didn’t realize how you would feel about it being a vir-”

“Buck, I’m a virgin, not innocent,” you chuckled.

“Damn straight,” Bucky laughed.

“Let me help you,” he said, making you laugh out loud.

"With what?" you asked in disbelief.

"Let me take your virginity. 'S better than fucking some random drunkard in a one night stand, and let's face it, you're not getting a boyfriend anytime soon."

You couldn't help but keep laughing at what he was saying.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“You’re so full of shit, Barnes,” you snorted, too drunk to notice that Bucky wasn’t laughing.

“Offer stands whenever, pretty girl.”

That was four weeks ago.

Since then, you feel like the tension between you and your roommate was especially thick since your tipsy confession. You couldn’t tell whether the things Bucky would say now were intentionally inappropriate or you just had a dirty mind. He seemed to always be shirtless; always.

“Did all your shirts catch fire? No, they got stolen, huh?” you joked.

“Har, har. Don’t be such a prude, pretty girl.”

“I’m not a prude,” you mumbled; at least he had the muscles to flaunt.

One quiet Friday evening, you sat in your room working away at your desk. You had been at it for a couple hours and as much as you wanted to throw in the towel you were so close to finishing everything you needed to finish this weekend. You went to the kitchen to grab a snack, maybe make a coffee, before drilling for the last hour to get everything done.

“Hey, pretty girl,” Bucky said, standing with a glass of whiskey in hand. He always drinks before filming.

“Gettin’ ready for your… stuff?” you asked.

“What stuff?” he asked cheekily, making you roll your eyes.

“Yeah, I haven’t posted anything in a couple weeks and my subscribers are thirsty,” he told you.

“I can only imagine,” you joked.

“Well, baby, I’m in the next room if you wanna stop imagining,” he said flirtatiously

“Fuck off. I’m just here to get coffee,” you smirked, grabbing the things you’ll need from the fridge.

“Well, then I’ll leave you to it,” Bucky said, smacking your ass hard before leaving for his room; you scoffed rolling your eyes at his antics.

You turned around making the coffee itself mindlessly before you grew slight concern when you had yet to hear the door of Bucky’s bedroom to shut. He always kept his door shut whilst you wore headphones blasting music so you wouldn’t have to listen to his unnecessary moaning and cursing. You silently begged the machine to hurry it’s brewing as Bucky began talking and moaning to his audience.

You gritted your teeth hearing him so clearly. Your breathing quickened and you felt your cheeks heat up. You hated how you wondered if he really was as vocal in bed as he portrayed online. You hated the way your stomach flipped and the tingle between your thighs. You’ve never felt so aroused before, you didn’t know what to do.

“Fucking hell,” he groaned, and you swallowed the dry lum in your throat.

You don’t even know how long you stood in the kitchen listening to Bucky. You were incredibly aroused, wetness pooling between your thighs. Your hands gripped at the counter desperate to not let your knees buckle as he got closer to his release.

“God, fuck you James,” you mumbled to yourself.

You couldn’t take it the groans he practically was screaming from his room. You stomped your way to his room to yell at him to close the door. You were enraged but you don’t really know why. Bucky’s side job never bothered so much until now and truthfully he wasn’t really to blame for how turned on you felt hearing him.

“Can you close the goddamn door?” you yelled approaching his bedroom.

“I hate to interrupt but I can fucking hear you- in the… kitchen,” you trailed off.

Bucky sat on his bed completely nude. His cheeks were red and his forehead had a layer of sweat as did his very smooth and very toned chest. Your body completely froze. It’s not that you hadn’t seen a man naked before. You’ve watched porn during the more stressful and lonelier nights, but Bucky was beautiful.

“Care to join?” Bucky breathed with a stupid smile.

“Jesus,” you gasped.

“I ain’t forget about that offer, pretty girl,” Bucky stood, chuckling when you visibly trembled.

“Whatcha say? You ready to finally deflower?” Bucky walked closer to you with a devilish smirk plastered on his handsome face.

“I’m sorry-” you stumbled over your words.

Your stomach fluttered from nervousness and arousal, your skin bursted into chills despite how hot and sweaty you were beginning to feel. You kept your eyes trained to anywhere but Bucky’s assets.

"What's wrong, pretty girl? Cat's got your tongue?" he teased.

"James," you said sternly.

"Baby, I can make you feel so good. All you have to do is say the word," he whispered in your ear, making you shudder.

You know deep inside you that this wasn't a good idea in the long run. It sounds so tempting now but what would happen afterwards? What would happen to your friendship?

"Stop thinking so hard. Just let me make you feel good, please," he begged.

His hands caressed your sides and you couldn't resist squirming; he hasn't even touched you.

"I can tell you're starving. Itching to be touched by someone. Those lonely nights with a laptop and your fingers isn't enough. I can help you, pretty girl. Give you so much and more; give you nirvana. Just say the word," he spoke slowly, sensually; you were damn near shaking just from his words.

"Please," you whimpered.

"Please what?" he teased; Bucky was drunk off the power he had over you.

"Fuck me. Use me. Ruin me," you begged.

"As you wish."

Bucky grabbed the back of your neck smashing his lips to yours. He grinded his hips into you and you feel his hard on digging into you. Your fingers dug into the soft skin of his chest leaving small red marks and scratches littered.

Bucky moved his hand up behind your head, curling his fingers in your hair pulling harshly. his lips instantly attached to your neck biting and sucking to mark you, so you remember he was the one who made you feel euphoric in the coming days. He wants you to remember this night.

"Shit, that feels so good," you sighed.

"That's just the beginning, pretty girl. Get on the bed," he demanded.

You scurried to bed tearing your shirt and shorts off leaving you in your dark lacey undergarments.

"It's like you were ready for me to fuck you," he chuckled darkly.

He crawled up the bed to you like an animal hunting and taunting its prey. You couldn't help but nibble on your bottom lip, anxious for what was to come from Bucky.

His hands gripped your waist firmly pulling impossibly close to his body. He kissed you again and you swore you could stay like that forever. His lips felt so soft again yours, you melted against his body from pleasure.

His hands circled your back and pulled at the bra clasp before swiftly undoing it and letting free. You shrugged your shoulders to your ears allowing the straps of the bra fall gracefully down your upper arm before Bucky curled his finger over the front and tossed it aside to admire your chest.

Your shoulders subconsciously caved in, embarrassed to be so unclothed in front of someone for the first time. Again, you weren't innocent but anyone would still be nervous for their first time. Bucky smiled softly at your timidness; his hands rubbing your sides slowly and comforting to help ease your nerves a bit.

"You are so gorgeous, baby."

"Don't get sappy, Barnes," you joked; but in reality you don't need another reason to fall deeper for him. Not that you're falling to begin with.

"Yes ma'am," he grinned.

He flipped the both of you over so you laid on your back. His hands gently kneaded your breasts pulling moans from you with every squeeze. He leaned down, taking a nipple in his mouth, sucking and biting your perked buds, circling his tongue around. Your back arched into him and you think you can handle the pleasure but you find yourself involuntarily getting higher and higher. Moaning and gasping louder every time Bucky would bite down hard on your nipple. The last straw was when Bucky brought his fingers between your thighs and barely pressed against your aching clit that you fell suddenly over the edge crying Bucky's name.

"Did you just-"

"Fuck, I'm sorry! I don't know what happened. I- Everything just-"

Bucky cut you off with a deep kiss.

"Don't be sorry," he chuckled.

"It's really hot that I was able to make you cum by just playing with these beauties," he flicked your nipples and squeezed your breats making you tremble.

“Shit, too much,” you whined.

Bucky ignored you once again, dipping his head back down, flicking his tongue over your overly sensitive buds. The squeal you made made Bucky chuckle darkly but he didn’t want to torture you so his lips trailed slowly down the valley of your breasts to you belly and hip bones. His fingers curled over your panties dragging them slowly down your legs.

“Fucking hell, pretty girl. You’re dripping. You’ve just been aching for me to get my hands on you for a while, huh?” Bucky taunted.

“Please,” you whimpered.

“Absolutely gorgeous.”

Bucky’s hands rested against your knees pushing them as far as they could go before diving in you like a starved man. Truthfully, Bucky had dreamed of this moment since he met you for the first time moving in. As the days, weeks, and years went by, the urge to resist kissing and fucking you stupid was getting all to much. But now he finally has you under him, at his mercy and he was determined to pleasure as much as he could before getting his cock anywhere near you.

Bucky brought his fingers to circle your entrance, waiting until your legs were nearly shaking from the teasing. As he pushed his fingers past your folds, he brought his mouth down again kissing right above your clit. You gasped and sighed in pleasure as he pumped his fingers in and out of you heavenly.

“Shit, feels so good. So, so good,” you moaned.

Bucky’s tongue brushed over your clit and you couldn’t resist bucking your hips, pushing his fingers deeper inside you. Your back arched off the bed and your hands shot to his head tugging on his dark locks harshly. Bucky’s moans from your tugs vibrated against you and you knew you weren’t going to last any longer.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum Bucky! Shit!” you shrieked.

“Come on, pretty girl. Be a good girl and come all over my fingers,” he said.

Seconds later, you reached your high, crying Bucky’s names again as if it was the only word you knew how to say. Your head practically dangled off the bed, scooting closer and closer to edge desperate to pull away from Bucky’s talented mouth.

“God, you’re beautiful when you fall apart like that,” Bucky mumbled against your heated skin.

Sweat lined your forehead and your chest, your hair was scattered across the sheets like a maniac, and your skin along your neck down to your inner thighs was littered with little bruises and bite marks from Bucky. You looked ethereal.

“One more. Can you give me one more?” Bucky asked softly.

“Fuck,” you whimpered.

“Such a good girl. I know you can, come on.”

Bucky gently flipped your body over, laying you on your stomach. He kissed down your spine, whispering sweet and kind things to you. You can’t even register what he’s saying because his godly erection is poking your ass and you're practically aching again to be railed by him.

“So eager for my cock, aren’t ya? Already being such a greedy little whore.”

“Please, Bucky,” you begged, wiggling your ass against his crotch.

“Don’t worry, baby. I’m gonna fuck you so good; gonna ruin you for anyone else,” he whispered in your ear before biting on your earlobe.

He stood tall on his knees behind you gripping your hips, roughly pulling them flush against his pelvis; you pushed yourself up on your hands. He grabbed his aching cock, the tip red and leaking with precum. Bucky doesn’t even know how he was able to last so long without cumming but he did and now all he wants to do is cum deep inside you.

“Ready, pretty girl?” he teased, rubbing your cheeks softly with his hands.

“Fuck me good, James,” you moaned.

Bucky lined his dick with your entrance slowly pushing the tip past your folds. The burning sensation caused you to hiss and tense around Bucky, who instantly stopped his movements.

“No, it’s ok; you’re just bigger than I was anticipating,” you fussed.

“It’s ok. If it’s too much you tell me to stop,” Bucky told you.

“No, don’t stop, please!” you whined.

“Don’t get greedy,” Bucky warned.

“Think you can handle all of me?”

“Fuck,” you muttered.

He pushed his hips further in you slowly, careful to not hurt you. His hands ran slowly up your body before curling his fingers through your hair and pulling your head up. Once he bottomed out, he rested for a minute until you were ready for him to move.

“Holy fucking hell, baby. Feel so good wrapped around my cock, shit,” Bucky groaned above you.

“I feel so- full.”

“‘S like you were made for me, pretty girl.”

Bucky’s hips began to move faster and faster pulling moans from you that was music to his ears. Bucky relished in your sex. He used every ounce of willpower in him to keep control but you felt so heavenly, so sublime. He couldn’t hold back any longer. You could tell that Bucky was holding back and you didn’t want him to. He pleasured you twice already, it was his turn to feel good and if letting go would do that for him you would let him.

“Come on, Bucky. Fuckin’ ruin me!”

“Don’t say shit like that,” he grunted, still thrusting his hips.

“I can take it, baby. Use me,” you told him.

Bucky’s hips stilled only for a second before you felt a sharp stinging on your right ass cheek.

“You want me to fuck you like a whore? Fine, I will,” Bucky growled before pulling out and flipping you over.

Bucky rammed his hips into you fast and rough. His hand went to wrap around your throat squeezing the sides and your eyes rolled back. Tears brimmed your eyes and you cried out over and over again. You felt used, corrupted, violated. You love it.

“Fuck, yes!”

“Shit, I’m gonna fucking come,” Bucky groaned.

Bucky released your throat before dipping his head in the crook of your neck. His groans and moans were muffled by your skin. Your hands wrapped around his neck and your legs too wrapped around his torso pulling his body flushed against yours. Your nails ran down Bucky’s back; he breathed in sharply through gritted teeth before moaning loudly in your ear from the pleasurable sting.

Chasing his release along with yours, Bucky’s thrusts became relentless. Animalistic. Feral, even. Everything felt overwhelming. It didn’t take much longer until you felt Bucky’s stuttering thrusts and the spurts of warm cum coating your velvety walls. Bucky completely relaxed on top of you, his breath heavily hitting your sweaty skin. You scratched his back softly coming down from your own high breathing equally as heavily.

“You feeling ok, pretty girl?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Yeah,” you whispered with a stupid grin on your face.

“You did amazing, you know?” Bucky kissed you softly; your stomach fluttering at the action.

“What now?” you couldn’t help but ask.

“Now, I’m going to take care of you,” Bucky said, hopping off you and the bed.

You laid there breathing slowly now. You didn’t have the energy to move at this point. Your inner thighs burned deliciously and the soreness began to be more apparent all over your body. Bucky came back with a warm towel and bottle of water from the kitchen. He cleaned you up with the towel and you could help the soft moans and whimpers that escaped from you. Once you were cleaned, Bucky helped you sit up and held the now open water bottle for you to hydrate yourself. You couldn’t shake the butterflies and chills you got from Bucky’s stare. He couldn’t take his eyes off you anymore; like you hung the moon and stars for him.

“What?” you asked shyly.

“Nothing,” he grinned.

“Come on. You’ve gotta go pee,” he said carrying you in his arms towards his bathroom.

“No, I just want to go to sleep already,” you whined, voice muffled in the crook of his neck.

Bucky sat on you on the toilet and waited for you to… do your business. You just sat there squirming, and shaking from the cold that hit your body.

“Come on. You have to,” Bucky explained.

“I know, but I can’t pee in front of you. I’m shy,” you mumbled.

“Seriously, I just fucked-”

“Bucky, please,” you cut him off.

“Oh alright. Come back to bed when you’re finished, pretty girl,” Bucky said before leaving you.

You couldn’t shake the smile off your face. He was being so caring and nice to you, it warmed your heart. You felt a bit of heartbreak however wondering if this was just a one time thing. You cleaned yourself again and washed your hands before snatching one of Bucky's t-shirts that laid on the floor. When you came out Bucky was fiddling with his camera that was still set-up and your heart dropped.

Had he recorded the whole thing?

“I was gonna delete all the footage, but in all honesty you look so fucking sexy. Might keep it for myself,” he said winking.

“You recorded the whole thing without telling me?” you asked, tearing up.

“I didn’t mean to. I’m not gonna post it anywhere. You sorta screamed my name a few times so footage ain’t good anyway,” he said, making you scoff and roll your eyes.

“Hey, hey. I’m kidding. I’ll delete all of it, I promise,” he cupped your face.

“Come here; I gotta do one more thing for you,” he said, laying you down on the bed once again.

“What are you doing?” Bucky grabbed another towel and some scented lotion placing it on his bedside table.

“I’m gonna give you a massage. You’ll be less sore tomorrow morning. I’ll admit I was a bit rough,” he said, kissing your belly as he lifted his shirt off your body.

“You do this to all the girls you sleep with?” you teased, not really wanting an answer but you’ll play a part if it keeps from being humiliated because of feelings.

“Only the pretty girls,” he says, fully referencing his nickname he gave you a while ago.

“And how many pretty girls might you have?”

“There’s only one,” he whispered; his hands massaging along your back slowly, sensually.

“She must be really lucky,” you whispered too, afraid of speaking too loud.

“If anything, I’d say I’m the lucky one.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, she’s… she’s perfect. Beautiful. Smart. I could go on about her.”

“She sounds like a prude,” you joked.

“She was,” he chuckled.

“But trust me, now she’s a real feisty and sexy woman,” Bucky said before biting down hard on one of your ass cheeks.

“Ow! Bucky!” you squealed, making Bucky laugh.

Bucky tossed the towel away and placed the lotion back on the bedside table before grabbing the blankets and crawling under them with you. He held you close, entangling his legs with yours, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“You mean all that?” you asked barely audibly.

“Yeah. I do, pretty girl.”

“You don’t have to delete the video,” you smirked, making Bucky laugh out loud.

He kissed your forehead snuggling closer to you, letting peaceful sleep envelop you both.

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ᴛᴀɢʟɪsᴛ: (For all my work)

@mathletemadison

@buckybarnes101-blog

@l-sofiamia-l

@pluto-grl

@partr1dge

@stefans-wife

@cordeliaswhore

@fleurlovesbucky

@povsmarvel0720

@missroro

Bucky Barnes Taglist:

@stolenxkissess

@bucknastayyy38

#bucky barnes #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes au #camboy!bucky barnes #roommate!bucky

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crescentsteel · 3 years

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Keeping a Secret - Part 2

pairing: Tsukishima x f!manager of Sendai Frogs genre: sexual tension/crack/fluff/slow burn warnings: lots of swear words, tsukki being a a closet softie wc: 6k (lol no chill as always)

[a/n]

Sorry for the delayed update. I added almost 1k words just to solidify the characters to give depth even more to the story. Feel free to reread. (It's totally not because I started a different series altogether.)

When I say this is slow burn, I meant sloooooooowww burn.

Let me know if you want to be part of the taglist. :)

AO3

Part 1 || Part 3 || masterlist

What were you even thinking? Actually, why weren’t you? Had you used at least two brain cells of yours, you wouldn’t have momentarily lost your mind and kissed Tsukishima. You could’ve justified your actions if you were drunk, but you ingested not even an ounce of alcohol that night.

History will remember yesterday as the day a a sober you and a very displeased Tsukishima who found yourselves smooching publicly in the middle of a club. You’re just glad that no other member of the team goes to the same university you both go to. Else, you'd run the risk of getting seen.

Were so touch-deprived that you couldn’t resist even Tsukishima? And what about him? Why did he get along with it? You don’t think he actually hates you. Hate is such a strong word. He just exceedingly dislikes you. So why would he make out with you? Maybe he thought of it as a way of finally standing up to you?

Ugh.

You’re thankful that you didn’t have training yesterday. You were a mess the whole day trying to make sense of what happened. Not that you’re any better today; you’re still baffled as fuck. But you’re glad you had that day off so you wouldn’t have to face him immediately.

For the first time ever, you’re dreading going to the gym. Even if you’re tired or you lack sleep, you’ve never felt distressed as the manager of the Sendai Frogs. All this because of Tsukishima. But can you really put the blame on him when it was you who initiated it?

“Good morning, y/n,” Eiji, the captain of the team greets you.

“Morning, Eiji,” you say back. Even though he’s older than you, you dropped the salutations already, same with everybody else.

“You okay?” he asks worriedly.

“Oh! Yeah, absolutely! When am I ever not okay?” You toughen it up and erase the troublesome kiss in your head. You are their ever shining manager, first and foremost. Anything outside of that has no place in this gym.

“Never. It’s almost scary actually,” he answers with jest.

“Right? ‘Cause I’m a freaking goddess.”

He gives you a noble bow. “Indeed, you are, my lady.”

You giggle softly. Your players really are the best on and off the court (except for Tsukishima). “Go do your drills instead of buttering me up, ‘captain.’” He gives you a mock salute then jogs off towards the net.

“Y/n!”

You saunter off to your coach after you were called. “Yes, Coach?”

“Can you help tape the blockers?” You nod willingly, quickly discarding unnecessary thoughts of Tsukishima.

“Tsukishima’s free. Go start with him.”

You almost flinch upon hearing his name.

‘Great,’ you groan internally as you get the wrap from your kit and drag your feet toward the source of your uneasiness. But what did you expect? Of course, you’d have to deal with him sooner or later.

“Morning, Tsukishima,” you greet him with forced normalcy, acting like nothing’s wrong. As you take his left hand and you’re instantly reminded of what happened the other night -- how this hand gripped your waist while his mouth moved against yours… how his skin felt against the palm of your hand as he towered over you, body against body in a dance so dangerous and so hypnotizing that you lost yourself in the moment.

You tried your best to calm down yesterday, but seeing him right now makes you want to smack yourself from your momentary insanity that led you to kiss him.

Instead, you give him the nicest, brightest smile to channel your frustrations as you start taping his fingers. You just hope and pray that he doesn’t bring it up.

“Morning, manager .” It was an indirect jab at you. Even when he says it with a dead tone, you know he’s taunting you by addressing you as manager - a tortuous reminder that what happened last Saturday night wasn’t forgotten.

Instead of yielding to the provocation, you respond with your own. You might have messed up, but you’re not letting him get the upper hand. “How was your weekend, Tsukki?”

“Horrible,” he quickly answers without even thinking.

“Ditto. What happened to yours?” you ask with fake curiosity, already knowing why. Even if you didn’t kiss him then, he was already acting up like an angsty teen forced by his mom to attend a children’s party within the neighborhood.

“Went to a disgusting party.”

You nod pretentiously. “Mine’s horrible too. I got g-”

“I didn’t ask,” he interrupts.

“Well, you’re still going to hear it,” you respond just as distastefully as he cut you off. “I got groped by some perv, but I kinda punched some good manners unto him.” You release his left hand and take his right one to tape it as well.

“And?” He asks.

You shrug your shoulders. “That’s it. After that, I just went home from how horrible the experience was.”

You look up to him, meeting his sardonic gaze paired with a raised eyebrow from what you just said. You know that he understood that you were referring to something else other than the perv incident as horrible.

“How about you? What happened to that disgusting party of yours?” you press on.

“I bumped into someone I didn’t really want to see.”

“And?”

“Do you really wanna know how horrible it was for me?” A smirk creeps up on the corner of his mouth as he asks. There were many times before that you’ve wanted a taste of Tsukishima’s vile sarcasm, just to know what he’d say to you. Today is not one of those times. You don’t want him using that reckless kiss against you.

“Actually, no. I don’t really care.” You let go of his hand you just finished working with and look around to look for anyone you could use as a distraction from Tsukishima’s attempt to retell the kiss from his perspective.

“Kogane!” you brightly call the setter as you bounce cheerfully towards him.

Even if you don’t show it, Tsukishima knows he’s gotten under your previously impenetrable thick skin. He detests what happened last Saturday. The more he remembers it, the more he abhors it. The only reason he’s not totally hating himself for getting swept along with your shit is because he knows you hated it too, probably more than he does since it was you who kissed him first.

His smug grin only spreads when you march to Kogane with that cutesy act you only show to players from opposing teams to unsettle them before matches. You take both Kogane’s hands and beam at him. “Do you want me to tape your fingers?”

“Y-you don’t have to, y/n. I can do it myself!” Kogane blurts out, panicking at your sudden closeness and physical touch.

“But I love taking care of you guys,” you pout at Kogane, which only makes the setter blush a shade almost close to red.

Tsukishima follows you to help his babbling, flustered teammate.

“You’re going to kill him, y/n,” he says as he passes by you and Kogane who now looks like he stopped functioning.

You blink at Kogane, realizing what you’re doing to the poor guy.

You must have been really bothered by Tsukishima and unknowingly projected it to someone else.

Tsukishima sneers as he sees you try to ease Kogane from his severe fluster but only make it worse by rubbing his shoulders.

A dash of pride and satisfaction swells on Tsukishima’s chest as he watches you get agitated with the situation you, yourself caused. Getting back at you feels even better than he imagined it would be.

Even though you and Tsukishima are in the same class, you don’t really notice his presence. Sometimes you’d even forget you’re classmates. Now, though, you are more aware of the fact that he’s actually there than you ever have.

“Alright, class. For your main project this semester, I’m going to have you partnered up. You need to come up with a comprehensive report on mating behavior of reptiles. I’ll randomly generate your assigned reptile.”

You groan. Another collaborative work in the same subject. You don’t like working with others because you don’t want to adapt to anyone’s schedule. You like to get things done ahead of time. You hate procrastinating because you don’t want your uni requirements getting mixed up with potential tasks from your managerial job, especially whenever tournament seasons come.

The last collaborative work you worked on is a group project where you did most of the work yourself. You wouldn’t have minded if you didn’t have fucking freeloaders as groupmates. The little shits made you do 90% of the project because you wanted it done early.

You just pray that this time, you get to be paired with someone responsible. You tap your pen on your desk while you wait for your name to be called.

“L/n and Tsukishima.”

You drop your pen at your professor’s announcement. It bounces twice on your desk before rolling to the floor, but you don’t move to pick it up. Your gaze immediately flies to where Tsukishima is seated and find him glaring at you already. You almost want to laugh at how ridiculous this entire situation is.

Seriously? Were you a serial killer in your previous life or something? Did some higher power decide to punish you for your grave sins like this?

Whatever. You’re not having any of this shit.

You wait until the class is over and approach your professor. “Sir. I’d like to do this project alone.” Or at least with someone else.

He continues to type something on his laptop, not bothering to look up at you, as he asks, “Why is that?”

“I just feel more comfortable doing things on my own, Sir. Please.” You try to give him your nice student smile but his eyes don't leave his screen.

“Then what? Have you increase my workload?”

Shit. You forgot that this particular professor of yours is known to not budge to anyone. You scramble your brain for another excuse.

“Sir. Can I do this project alone?” you suddenly hear Tsukihima’s voice behind you.

Finally, your professor closes his laptop and eyes you two unenthusiastically. “My answer is no to miss Y/n, so my answer to you, Mr. Tsukishima, is also no. I don’t know what the deal is between you two, but you’re doing this together.”

You can’t help but scowl despite being right in front of your professor. If it wasn’t for that darn kiss, you would’ve loved working with Tsukishima. Even though you don’t have the same classes, his schedule won’t be that hard to match up with because you two have the same training days. Secondly, he’s smart. You won’t have to carry the whole weight of the project.

“You know what, I’ll reconsider.” A glimmer of hope lights up in your chest as you hear your professor’s words. “I’ll allow you two to work individually — but with an automatic ten point deduction for this project.”

“No,” you and Tsukishima respond at the same time.

“Great! You’re already getting along swimmingly.” Your professor picks up his stuff and stands up. “Enjoy,” he waves a dismissive goodbye and leaves.

You slowly turn around to face Tsukishima and find that you share the same lour that he has. You cross your arms and lean on your professor’s desk. “Guess we’re together, Tsukishima.”

You allowed yourself one week to compose yourself before you agreed to start the project with Tsukishima. You still saw him at training days, and even then, you tried to have the least amount of interaction with him so the ‘incident’ wouldn’t be brought up again. Meeting him for a project where it’s just you two is different and you needed time.

As much as you don’t want to be with him, you told yourself that it’ll be over soon. You just pushed the kiss in the back of your head and convinced yourself that it was just a stupid kiss. It didn’t mean anything. He probably just went along with it out of spite, so it’s best you think of it as a spur of the moment madness. That way, you won’t be bothered if he sordidly brings it up again. At least now, you can go back to your usual, cheeky self around him.

You’re about to text Tsukishima that you’ve arrived at the station you agreed to meet up at but you already see him there standing while he’s scrolling his phone with his usual white headphones on.

Unfortunately for you and him, the reptile assigned to you two are crocodiles. It’s the worst possible assignment you could get among the roster of reptiles assigned. You need to travel all the way to Wakabayashi for a legitimate crocodile farm to observe, compared to other reptiles which are easily accessible with nearby zoos in Miyagi. You just pray that you’ll only need this one trip to get all the data you need for your report.

You walk towards him and instantly regard how he looks. Despite being in the same university, you don’t see him around much. Even in your sole class together, you’re seated way too apart from each other to even look at each other’s direction. Not that being seated beside each other would’ve made a difference. You’re not friends. There’s no need to talk to him since everything that’s volleyball-related is relayed through line. To you, he’s just one of your players. As far as you’re concerned, the only Tsukishima you’re aware of is the one sweating his white shirt and training shorts during practice.

To have this much involvement with him outside the gym is throwing you out of your usual loop. You continue studying him at a distance. Today he’s wearing white plaid pants, black turtleneck (probably long sleeves) with a lighter shade of black coat on top, and a brown wool scarf. He also has a gray bonnet that makes his blonde locks frame his face nicely.

What the heck? Did he always dress like this even in class? How come you never noticed?

He finally notices you. He puts down his phone and removes his headphones. “How long have you been there?”

“Wow, Tsukishima. You look kinda hot,” you blurt out without thinking.

His eyes expand at your statement that came out of nowhere. “Huh?!”

“Oh, sorry. That must’ve been random. But you look really good though. I kinda feel like I’m meeting a date,” you say with objective candor as you continue to stare at him.

That catches him completely off guard. The other day you’re on the edge around him. You weren’t even paying much attention to him during training, but now you’re back to being a headache whose mouth knows no bounds as you faze him with your unfiltered thoughts. Now, it’s him who is uncomfortable again with your thorough eyes scanning him approvingly.

“As if I’d ever date you,” he snaps back at your remark to which you scoff at.

“I didn’t say you would. Maybe you’re forgetting, I’d never go out with a member of the team.”

“Right. But kissing one is totally fine, huh?” he retaliates in an instant with a condescending look. He waits for your reaction, eager to see you distraught and bothered by it. To his dissatisfaction, you don’t behave in such a way. Instead, you sigh defeatedly.

“Yeah. Sorry about that. I got a little crazy that night,” you say casually to a degree that you sounded like it was just a petty accident. “You kissed me back, so I’m sure you were too. Right?”

The last word is conniving, and he can tell why you phrased it that way. You’re leaving him no choice but to disregard what happened or else it’s going to seem like it meant something to him. The hell it does. It simply resurfaces back on his mind sometimes because of how unpleasant the memory is.

‘Devious woman,’ he snarls in his head.

It should be okay. Your reason for what you did can also be his excuse for how responded to it. What he didn’t like is that he hasn’t even managed to make the most out of that incident, while you immediately found a way to undo the grave you dug for him to bury you into.

Plus, the only advantage he sees out of partnering with you for this project is the possibility of being able to pester you the way you pester him during practice. Obviously, that’s already thrown off the window. Now, there’s nothing in it for him for the duration of the project. He is left with nothing but the fact that he has to endure your company. To think that he’s already so miserable when this afternoon has barely even started.

“Yeah,” he answers with contained resentment. “Can we go on the bus now?” He asks to deviate away from the topic already. He was hoping he could still use the incident to unnerve you, but it’s for naught now.

He enters the bus first and assumes you’ll follow him, which you do as you take your seat beside him. You get your shoulder bag and take out a notebook.

“Can you take a look at this outline I made for our report?” you ask while you hand him your notebook opened at a certain page.

“I can’t read while the bus is moving,” he says then waits for a lame comeback from you. But you don’t comment about it. Why must you keep on being such a wildcard?

“Ah, okay. I’ll just tell it to you then,” you smile at him. “This trip is going to take long. It’d be a waste of time to not make use of it, right?”

He groans internally. Why must you be right all the fucking time?

He also made an outline last night, but he didn’t tell you because he thought it’d be better if he just did the data-gathering himself and let you take the pictures the report should have. He forgot that you’re not as irresponsible and carefree as you present yourself to be.

He listens to you explain your outline, looking for flaws in it for the sake of his grade and also for his self-satisfaction. And he does find a few.

“You should have separate discussion points for mating characteristics for male and females. I’m sure they have distinct traits. Also, I think we should include more than just one species, preferably three if the farm has it.” He continues, “Maybe we can note certain unique behaviors per species. It would be inconclusive, but it would still be nice to include it as a commentary.”

He hopes to extract even just a tiny hint of embarrassment from you for he’s thought of it better than you did. But you just stare at him for a good few seconds before you break into a dazzled smile.

“Oh my God. Yeah, you’re absolutely right!”

You open your notebook and scribble the changes in your drafted outline. “Is there anything else?” You consult him genuinely. You accept his criticisms with an open mind, which vexes him even more.

“Nothing,” he grumbles.

“Alright. Let’s just revise it again once we see what’s on the farm.”

He doesn’t bother replying anymore since you’re once again right.

He puts on his headphones again to drown out whatever chatter you plan to have with him since you’re done discussing the project for now. Instead of bugging him, you take out a bunch of readings and focus on them intently, completely ignoring him.

With nothing to entertain him aside from the music on his ears, his peripheral keeps going back to you and how hard you’re concentrating with the papers in your one hand and a pen in the other.

He removes one muff of his headphone from his ear and asks you, “Don’t you get motion sickness?”

You really must be into what you’re studying because you flinch when he speaks, causing you to drop your pen.

He feels responsible for it so he leans down to pick it up, but you also do the same. As you both reach down to grab your pen, your temple collides with his.

“Ow,” your fingers go to massage the spot, failing to notice as he does that your faces are too close for comfort. He watches you wince for a quick while before looking at him, finally realizing that he’s within a proximity familiar to you both.

It’s reminiscent of that night except this time, the natural light affirms that it wasn’t just the ambiance of the club that made you attractive enough to pull him in and share that heinous kiss. With your well-lit features, he can see that you’re thinking about the same thing he is.

Your eyes fall on his lips and for some illogical reason, he does the same.

Like last time, you’re the first to act on it. The major difference is, instead of leaning in, you retreat. You sit up straight with your fingers still on the side of your head and smile graciously at him. “It’s fine, Tsukishima. I’ll get it,” you say, which he finds half-witted because he’s still bent down and he can already grasp the pen.

He sits back up and hands you your pen. You use the hand on your temple to get it.

“Oh, thanks.” You stare at the pen for a second, then tuck it in your pocket. “Anyways, yeah. I don’t have problems reading in a moving vehicle.”

You dive back to his question and disregard what just happened. It works for him. He’d rather not think about it as well.

“Have you not seen me scrambling paperwork on our bus rides to and from tournaments?”

“No.” He prefers not to pay attention to you. Hell, he pretends you don’t exist when he can. So naturally, he doesn’t know what it is you do when you’re not being your pestering self. It pains him to admit it, but you do get shit done -- efficiently, too. He should be glad because at least, you won’t be like his previous groupmates.

Still, just you being … you, ticks him off.

You laugh out of nowhere. “For someone who doesn’t speak much, you’re so fucking transparent.”

He frowns, not being able to grasp what you meant.

“Okay, look. I like pissing you off. I really do. And you, you don’t like me a lot. But for this project. Can we pretend that I’m not your annoying manager and you’re not the nasty Tsukishima I know?”

“How the fuck can I do that when we see each other almost everyday as such?”

You roll your eyes and smirk. “Right. What was I even thinking? Go ahead and be emo with your music over there while I study here, yeah?” You pat him on the shoulders twice with that patronizing grin you always give him before pulling your pen back from your pocket and focusing once more on your readings, completely paying no attention to him for the rest of the trip.

—

As soon as you reach the crocodile farm, Tsukishima suggests that you two roam the area separately to cover more ground. In reality, he just wanted to get rid of you even for just a few minutes. He needed a break from you.

He does so by taking his time strolling around the place, observing how the area is situated. It looks like a park with its vast lush green environment and man-made waters to habituate the crocodiles. There are four main areas: the museum, the hatchling house, the zoo, and the breeding pens. He first goes to the museum, looking at the skeletal structure of some crocodiles. It isn’t really significant to the project but he can’t help admire it.

When he realizes that he’s taking longer than he initially thought, he starts looking for you. He sends you a text, but you don’t reply. You had gone to the zoo’s direction so he assumes you’re somewhere around that area.

When he does find you, you’re not alone.

There you are near a crocodile pen, getting friendly with a guy he’s sure you just met.

It’s so familiar. The only difference is that you’re not wearing the Frogs’ jacket and you’re not in the Sendai gymnasium. He walks towards your direction, not caring if he’s going to cut off your little chat. You’re there for the project, not to snag some random bozo.

As he closes in behind you, he hears your conversation.

“Actually, birds are more closely related to dinosaurs than crocodiles. You couldn’t tell, right?” you explain with zeal.

Tsukishima stops in his tracks at the foreign feeling in his chest. Wait a minute. Is he actually impressed? Moreover, what the heck is he impressed for? You should know that. You are both in a higher herpetology class. Even though it hasn’t been discussed during lectures, it’s natural that you know that. However, the guy you’re talking with isn't as enthusiastic.

“Can’t blame you though. Crocs and dinos share the same sexy vibe with those chill eyes and scaly skin. Also, look at those smokin webbed feet. Fucking work of art, dude. You feel me?” you press on fanatically.

The stranger looks at you with a forced smile, obviously weirded out by your ‘passionate’ description of the reptile. “Yeah, sure. I have to go now. Bye,” the guy bows and storms away from you.

You turn your attention back to the lowered pen in front of you with a satisfied smile and shudder when you see Tsukishima already there beside you.

“Gah! You scared me. Why didn’t you say anything?” you ask with your hand still on your chest.

“I didn’t want to interrupt you creeping out that stranger.”

You tither at his answer. “Glad you didn’t. It was fun seeing him all freaked out.”

He finds it weird. He thought you just had an aversion towards athletes. That’s why you keep driving away anyone who’d approach you during matches. Apparently, that’s not the case.

“He looked like he’d follow you back to Miyagi if you didn’t go all freaky nerdy on him.”

You jeer at his comment. “He could follow me to the ends of the Earth and I still wouldn’t give him my number. I’d rather date Mr. Crocodylus siamensis over here than boring dum dums blinded by how hot I am.”

“Then why do you entertain them?” he follows up.

“Caaaauuusse it’s fun to see them squirm,” you declare cheerfully as you veer your gaze at him. “Why the sudden interest with the way I handle men, Tsukishima?”

You raise an eyebrow, the corner of your lips tugging up to form a playful smirk. “Don’t tell me you suddenly find me interesting?”

You really do know how to push the right buttons to provoke him. He grits his teeth from your audacity.

“I’m joking for fuck’s sake! My god. I already know that even if it’s just the two of us on this planet, and we’d have to procreate to restart the world population, you’d rather choose to doom humanity than have anything to do with me.”

Among all the correct things that came out of your mouth, that was the only thing he could verbally agree with. “Good you know,” he retorts.

You don’t seem to take offense though. You still keep your unwavering smile as you get your phone out and take a picture of the Borneo crocodile.

“Should we go see the breeding pens now?” you ask nonchalantly, dismissing the previous conversation like it was nothing.

You both decide to hire a designated tour guide to assist you while you observe the crocodiles, particularly the ones for breeding.

“Hi, Ms. l/n. I’m Sara and I will be your guide for today,” she introduced herself with a dedicated smile.

“I’m so thrilled that you and your boyfriend decided to learn more about crocodiles for your date,” she adds.

You and Tsukishima glance at each other before turning back to her.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” “He’s not my boyfriend.”

You both say simultaneously, except yours sounded like a friendly correction while his sounded like a dead announcement.

“We’re just classmates for a project,” you correct her.

She bows apologetically with embarrassment and worry. “I’m so sorry for assuming that.”

“No worries, Sara,” you reassure her before Tsukishima says something unnecessary. “Can you lead us on the breeding pens? We’d like to observe the whole thing.”

“Of course. Right this way.”

Aside from the mishap earlier, you find Sara competent at her job as she fills you in with details not included in the sign boards in the pens. She gives you information about the mating process that you didn’t find when you researched about the subject. You assume Tsukishima’s thinking the same because he doesn’t say anything out of the blue.

“By any chance, will we see a pair mating today?” he asks after a while.

“I’m not really sure, Mr. Tsukishima. It’s really up to the animals.”

You tug on Tsukishima’s sleeve when you catch sight of one crocodile latching himself on top of another.

“What?” he asks irritatedly, but follows your line of sight.

“Oh, lucky. There you go.” Sara announces with a pleasant smile.

You get your phone and your notes. You multitask listening to Sara, taking photos, and scribbling notes on your paper pad.

On the other hand, Tsukishima multitasks observing the crocodiles in action and observing you.

You’re asking important questions to the guide while juggling other tasks. Yes, he doesn’t like you and loathes being partnered with you. However, that doesn't mean he won’t cooperate with you. He won’t mind if you ask him for help, but you seem to have even forgotten that he’s there.

He grabs your phone from your hand, garnering a confused look from you.

“I’ll take the photos. You take down notes.”

You flash him an honest, grateful smile. “Thanks, Tsukishima.”

Then, you proceed with the things you’re doing more at ease.

He can’t tell who he’s more pissed at, you or himself. Something about that display of productivity and wit unnerves him. It’s as if it’s telling him that his chagrin over you is unreasonable because you’re actually reliable when it counts. What’s worse is you’re completely oblivious to it. In fact, you’re almost ignoring him.

Goddamn it. What’s he doing? He’s completely distracted now from the project and is solely focused on you. He quickly shakes it off and calms himself down. His attention should be on the reptiles, not you.

He turns his attention back to the crocodiles, but the mating act only lasted a few minutes. After that, you both barrage Sara with an array of questions that she looked too overwhelmed by the end of your tour.

You’ve covered almost everything for the day and it’s already around 6 in the evening when you get on a bus on the way back to Miyagi.

“That was fun!” you comment ardently with an abnormal shine on your face when you sit down on the bus on the way back. He wears his headphones on before you start a conversation he’s not willing to have. From his peripheral, he sees you turning to him and as he predicted, your mouth begins moving while you animatedly narrate words he could not hear.

He’s already acting as if he can’t hear nor see you, but you still don’t stop. Knowing you, you will not stop until you make sure he notices you. He wearily removes his headphones only to see you not saying anything and only mouthing words with hand gestures.

“Seriously?” He scowls at you. He’s already exhausted at having to deal with you even for just half a day, but you still have the energy to mess with him.

You cover your mouth with your hand as you snicker but it erupts into a hoot of laughter shortly. You gasp ridiculously after you ride out your stupid amusement from poking at his patience. “Tsukki, I swear to God. You make the best faces,” you say while wiping away your joyous tears.

“Were you even going to say something worth listening to?” he questions sourly.

You study him then shake your head. “I think you’re tired, so let’s just discuss what we gathered next time. You can go ignore me now,” you tell him with an understanding smile despite the slight banter.

You tilt your body in his direction and hoist yourself up a bit to put his headphones back yourself like it’s no big deal.

You settle back into your seat while he stills on his seat, stunned with what you just did while you get your readings again and shrink to your own bubble. You don’t seem to make anything of it, so he doesn’t as well. It was very you to mindlessly get on anyone’s — particularly his — personal space anyways.

He increases the volume of his headphones and tries to relax. Yet, his attention keeps swerving back at you every now and then. You’re really concentrating hard with your brows burrowed while you stare at your hand-outs. After a while, he notices you bobbing your head from the corners of his eyes.

He can tell you’re as tired as he is and trying hard to fight the sleep that’s taking over you. The bunch of papers you previously held are now clutched on your lap.

On the last bob of your head, you snap out of it. You blink repeatedly and return your eyes to your readings again. To no avail, you’re shutting down with your eyes fluttering when you try again. You look like you decided to give it a rest and put your papers back in your bag. You cross your arms and lean back to your seat.

He feels relieved that you finally yield to your physical exhaustion. He doesn’t need an additional bullet point to his list of why he can’t fully hate you. Also, you won’t run your mouth at him if you’re asleep.

He feels the soft thump of your head on his shoulder. You probably did too as you suddenly bolt up and tell him ‘sorry' which he only understands based on how you mouthed the word. You lean back again and try to settle back to sleep. But when you start dozing off, you sway to the other side of your seat which is the aisle of the bus.

He grabs your shoulder to prevent you from tumbling down to the aisle. Your disoriented self looks around, alarmed at his sudden touch.

“Just fucking lean on me,” he spits out, irked that he has to say it out loud. It’s not like he pushed you away. You could’ve just stayed as you were and he would’ve turned a blind eye at it out of recognition of the effort you put in today. He’d just consider it one of those times that you do something annoying and he just ignores you as a response.

You regard him with dazed eyes. You open your mouth as if you’re about to say something but decide against it as you shut your eyes again and you let your head rest on his shoulder. But even then, your head still falls forward from time to time. He puts a hand on your forehead to settle you back on his shoulder and slides a bit downward on his seat to accommodate you.

Jesus Christ, you can study in a moving vehicle but can’t even do a simple thing like sleep properly on it. Why does he even have to adjust for you?

He heaves furiously in contrast to your steady breathing, letting him know that you’re easing deeper to your sleep.

He distracts himself by looking at the window, witnessing the unmoving dark sky and the changing scenery below. He lets out a sigh.

Maybe he should’ve just accepted the ten point deduction.

Part 1 || Part 3 || masterlist

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#tsukishima x reader #haikyuu fluff #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima angst #tsukishima smut #haikyuu smut #haikyuu angst #tsukishima kei #for the love of kami-sama #pls let the tags work

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omoi-no-hoka · 4 years

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Hello! I'm sorry if this has been asked before, but how do you become proficient at handling conversations in Japanese/handling grammar very well? I read your post on the JLPT, and it addressed issues I have been tip toe-ing around--indeed, passive actions such as listening or reading are easier than the active ones. How did you go about that? Did you write a bunch of sentences daily? Did you have a conversation partner? What would you rec. to someone who lives outside Japan? Thank you!

This is an excellent question, and one that I get asked a lot irl by Japanese people in particular. Let’s talk about gaining fluency and the ways we can go about it!

How to Gain Fluency in Japanese (and Other Languages)

Speaking Fluency versus Accuracy

Language proficiency is divided into two separate categories:

Fluency: Although there are no widely agreed-upon definitions or measures of language fluency, someone is typically said to be fluent if their use of the language appears fluid, or natural, coherent, and easy as opposed to slow, halting use. In other words, fluency is often described as the ability to produce language on demand and be understood.

Accuracy: Correctness of language use, especially grammatical correctness and word choice.

By the above definitions, a “fluent” speaker may make grammatical mistakes, but they can speak without having to stop and think too much about conjugations, word choice, etc.

An “accurate” speaker can speak with nearly zero grammatical/word choice mistakes. However, the speed of their utterances isn’t generally taken into account, so it could take an “accurate” person twice as long to articulate the same idea as a “fluent” person.

Ideally, you need to strike a good balance between these two qualities when speaking. I have a boss, God bless him, who is 100% fluency and 0% accuracy and…man is it hard to understand what he’s saying sometimes, but he can generally get his point across just barely. I have another coworker who is 100% accuracy and takes about 3 minutes to form a sentence because he wants it to be perfect.

How to Increase Speaking/Writing Accuracy

First, let’s talk about the easiest thing to improve, which is accuracy. It’s also (in my opinion) the least fun thing to improve, because it means grammar books and vocabulary memorization.

You can only use a language accurately if you know what is correct and what is incorrect, and you can only learn that by studying grammar and vocabulary (or if you’re a native speaker and picked it up innately, you lucky bastard).

So here’s some things you can do to increase your accuracy:

For example, if you’re having a hard time using the passive, you need to review that part of your textbook and find some exercises to drill it into your head.

Say the correct thing aloud. Lots. Sometimes I just walk around my apartment and narrate everything I see/do like a crazy person, but that’s good practice.

Write example sentences using the grammar you’re struggling with and say them aloud too.

There’s a bunch of cool apps that connect you with native speakers that can help correct you too! I used to use HelloTalk, I think.

If you’re a creative soul, when I was studying for the JLPT, I took 1 grammar point and 5 vocabulary words from my JLPT study books and used them to write a 2-page short story about the adventures of ネギ, a stray black cat that smelled like green onions because she napped in an onion field. Then I had a Japanese friend check it over for me and mark mistakes. I hand-wrote them to improve my abysmal handwriting at the same time. It was really fun! I sometimes think about doing it again just for funsies.

When someone corrects you, don’t feel like your entire life is over and you’re a failure and you’ll never get it right haha. I’ve seen people fall into that hopeless mindset, and that’s just nonsense. It’s a good opportunity for learning and nothing more! Say the correct thing you’ve just been taught out loud, then write it down if you can. And, if possible, find a chance to use it in conversation asap.

How to Increase Speaking/Writing Fluency

Now this is the hard one. Especially for those learners who do not have native speakers nearby.

I’m going to be dead honest with you. I started formally studying Japanese at uni, and I had a Japanese roommate/best friend since year one. I had a 4.0 GPA in my Japanese classes (and only my Japanese classes lol) because I was and still am a MEGA NERD about it.

...But it wasn’t until I studied abroad in Japan my 4th year of uni that I gained fluency.

There are a lot of things that can hold us back from fluency. An interesting thing I’ve noted is that Foreign Language is perhaps the only subject in which a student’s personality can directly affect their progress. To gain fluency, you have to go forth and speak, but if you are naturally a shy person, that is going to hinder you. If you are the kind of person who takes mistakes/failures poorly, you will be less likely to take risks and try to say harder sentences. In contrast, you can get full marks in math regardless of the above personality traits.

I’m not saying that you have to be an outgoing explosion of a human being in order to gain fluency. But what I am saying is that you have to be willing to seek out conversations, and you have to be willing to take chances. Get out of your comfort zone. Use that new word you picked up the other day. Try to explain something that is difficult for you.

My problem was that, while I lived with a native speaker who would have happily taught me anything I asked, her English proficiency was much higher than my Japanese proficiency. And when I struggled to say something in Japanese, I’d fall back onto English. And when she told me something I didn’t understand in Japanese, she’d repeat it in English instead of Japanese, because that was easier for us both. The same thing happened when I was in Japanese class as well. I always had the assurance that I could fall back on English.

But when I elected to study abroad in Japan for 3 months, I knew that this was my big chance. So on the host family form in the “other requests” area, I wrote that I specifically wanted a host family that could not speak English. I was setting fire to my crutches, and I was scared but excited to see them burn.

By the end of my three months in Japan, I had gone from “Chotto matte kudasai” and needing a minute to form my reply, to “Okay, yeah I see that movie too and I liked the action scenes, but I didn’t care for the story little.” (I’ve underlined mistakes that I would have made in Japanese, to show you that I sacrificed some accuracy to obtain higher fluency.)

So, in short, the easiest and quickest way to increase your spoken fluency is to throw away all the crutches you can and use the language as much as possible. Every single day. Even if you’re just having an imaginary conversation with yourself! And like I said, there are a bunch of cool apps that connect you with Japanese people who want to learn English and you can do language exchanges with them. I had a lot of fun with those in the past.

As for increasing writing fluency...well. That’s a tough question with Japanese, because I can type Japanese at like 100 wpm, but my Japanese handwriting fluency is at a 10/100. I can read and type at the level of a native Japanese high school student, but I can only write the kanji that 7 year old can write. That’s no exaggeration.

The big reason for that dichotomy is that my work is paper-free. 100% of my work is done on screen, so about the only time I have to write out something is when I’m filling out a form, which includes my name (katakana), address, and maybe occupation.

If you want to increase your Japanese handwriting speed, just keep on writing. Write those little short stories about ネギ like I did, or find some writing prompts (I just started a side-blog with writing prompts yesterday btw) or keep a little diary. Make opportunities to write.

How to Have Nice Handwriting in Japanese

Okay, full disclaimer: I am the absolute LAST person qualified to talk about this, because I have awful handwriting in Japanese.

Unless you have prior experience with a different language that uses kanji, or you lack the keen eye of an artist, you will likely struggle to develop neat handwriting.

Personally, I really like using this app called Japanese Kanji Sensei. It’s on Android (not sure about iOS), and if you pay just a few bucks you can make your own kanji sets and stuff. Anyways, it will show you how to write the characters prettily. It gives you a good frame of reference for what nice, pencil/pen-written characters (versus calligraphy characters). It has hiragana and katakana on it too!

I get a stylus and write out the characters on this app for the muscle memory, so my hands remember the sensation of writing a certain character. (The muscle memory is different if you only use your fingertip.) This muscle memory and repetition is how Japanese people learn how to internalize kanji as well. I really enjoy and recommend this app. I’m sure that there are others out there like it too.

Summary

TL;DR: Review your textbooks, take risks, use every resource available or make your own, and just have fun with it! 💗

#Anonymous #ask me anything #Asks are open #study japanese #learn japanese #japanese language #nihongo #japanese fluency #second language acquisition #jlpt #studyblr #langblr #japanese langblr #japanese resources #kanji #study kanji #learn kanji

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kirishwima · 4 years

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oooo, what about... hcs on how MC treats the various members when they’re sick and vice versa if you’re up for it!!!!

oh i really like this! especially since im a little sick today too lol

YOOSUNG:

* When he’s sick, he’ll complain about it A Lot

* He’s just a grumpy little bean, walking around with a blanket over his head and shoulders, probably with a thermometer stuck in his mouth for extra Drama ((yoosung bby that’s-that’s now how u use thermometers))

* He’ll love it if MC takes care of him, taking his temperature, bringing him tea in bed or cooking a warm meal for him

* Even though he loves to be pampered, he’d really try his best so MC won’t catch his cold-he’ll berely even look their way, even holding his breath when MC is near his face to e.g. put a compress on his forehead

* When MC is sick, his caretaker switch is instantly flipped

* He loves to take care of his loved ones, and so he might feel a little guilty excitement to be the one to take care of MC in their time of need

* Will make delicious hecking soup, or even call his mom for some housewife flu remedies

* He’ll feel especially guilty if MC caught the cold from him-will double up his pampering ante and refuse to let MC even take a single step out of the bed

* He’ll personally call their work/uni to let them know MC’s sick, and will spend the day by their side no matter what

*He’s just a sweet caring baby :’)

ZEN:

* Also a Big. B I G drama queen when sick

* Zen: *sneezes* Zen: This is it. This is how I die. Goodbye cruel world

* He very rarely gets sick thanks to his good genes and self-care, so when he does it feels like the end of the world for him

* If MC tries to care for him, he’ll appreciate it but will refuse their help at first, worried that they’ll catch his cold

* Will eventually accept the help though, especially if his cold worsens/if he develops a fever e.t.c

* The first time MC takes care of him when he’s sick, he might actually cry; he hasn’t had someone care for him like that ever since he left home, and even then he never experienced this gentleness, the way MC cradles his face when placing a cold compress to his forehead or how they hold his hand tight to comfort him

* He simply appreciates their presence really

* If MC is sick, he’s immediatly tackling them to the bed, turning them into a burrito of clothes and blankets as he dashes into the kitchen to make them some warm tea with honey

* Might actually be a liiiittle extreme with his care-no Zen, no one needs 5 spoons of honey in their tea nor a whole box of vitamin C to get over their cold. Yes, they’ll be fine even without wearing 25 layers of pyjamas

* MC will probably have to calm him down and reassure him they’re fine, they’ve been through the common cold a dozen times and it’ll pass

* He’ll be happy to care for them whichever way they need him to though

JAEHEE:

* Baehee does NOT get colds.

* She refuses to!!

* What you heard was definitely not a sneeze. It was just. Uhhh. It was just allergies. Yup, that’s all it was.

* It takes a lot to convince her that yes, Jaehee, you do have the flu, and yes you need to rest

* The fussiest patient ever really

* Even with a burning fever she’ll refuse to stay in bed, dazily trying to get ready for work regardless of her condition

* MC please tie this girl to the bed (no, not in a kinky way, more like a please-stay-there-and-get-better sorta way)

* When she eventually gives up and allows MC to take care of her, she’ll feel really guilty about it-Jaehee’s so used to being self-efficient, that she’s never really had someone care this much for her

* She appreciates it, but is also scared-for her having someone care this much for you is both a blessing and a curse, and it’ll take her a long time to learn to accept help when she needs it

* If MC is sick however, she’s immediatly running to the pharmacy for vitamins and cold medicine

* She won’t fuss too much over MC-it’s something she herself hates, so she doesn’t want to make MC feel overwhelmed either.

* Instead she’ll discreetly push MC to go home earlier from work, will leave all the necessary medicine on the bedside table, make some tea and soup for the both of them, e.t.c

* If she knows MC likes to be pampered, she’ll be more bold with her care, cuddling MC and placing her cool hands onto MC’s forehead for comfort (i hc that Jaehee always has really cold hands and feet lol)

JUMIN:

* Similarly to Jaehee, he’s not used to getting colds

* He has his own personal doctor, nutritionist, everything needed to be in perfect health pretty much

* It’s more likely that, after getting the yearly flu shot, he develops a few flu-like symptoms for a few days as it often happens with the influenza shot

* He tries to muscle through the symptoms, but when he starts coughing midway through a meeting, he decides to take the day off and go home to rest instead

* He’s very attuned to his body-if he feels unwell, then that’s that, and he’ll simply wait for his body to recover to its natural state

* MC is probably a bit shocked at first-they’ll try to offer Jumin some help, to go get him some medicine or cook something for him, but he’ll refuse, saying his doctor has already given him all the necessary medications and that he can just call the chef to make them both something appropriate for the winter weather

* If MC tells him that they’d rather cook something for him because ‘a meal made with love will make the cold go away faster’, then he’ll simply tell the chef to take the day off, and lounge in the kitchen as he fondly watches MC make him a heartwarming soup

* He’ll indulge a little if MC lets him-will tell them to feed him, smirking at the blush that spreads on their cheeks. He’ll raise a brow and tease them, asking if they should help him shower as well, laughing at their wide eyes at the suggestion (not that he’d mind it *wink wonk*)

* If MC is the one sick however, then hoo boy, all hell will break loose

* The penthouse is effectively in quarantine-he’ll call the best doctors he knows of to examine them, will tell Jaehee that he won’t be coming into work and remain by MC’s side at all times until MC is back in full health

* Jumin: “I’ve called the best doctors I know, you’re in good hands MC” MC: “That’s literally a cardiologist and a diabetologist, Jumin that’s like asking an architect to engineer an airplane?! pls tell these poor ppl to go back home”

* He’s absoloutely one to overreact, and it’ll take a LOT to convince him to calm down and simply let MC rest

* He’ll actually try and cook for MC-nothing fancy, maybe just some rice porridge or noodle soup, and it might taste a bit weird, but he’ll be happy if MC eats even a little bit of it

* Just wants to take care of his SO, even if he doesn’t really know how to

SEVEN:

* Wait i thought idiots don’t catch colds-

* He is definitely one to catch a cold in the summer

* One moment he’s fine and memeing like usual, the next he’s laid down on the couch, sweating and coughing like there’s no tomorrow

* He’s not used to actually having someone around to care for him, and getting sick as a kid...well, it was essentially a death sentence, so he’s gotten used to hiding his symptoms as best as possible

* It’ll actually take a while for MC to notice he’s sick-they might hear him discreetly cough while trying to talk, notice he looks more tired than usual, little things that point out that he’s not in the best shape

* He won’t push MC away if they try to take care of him, but he’ll be really confused-he deadass NEVER had anyone do this for him, and he doesn’t really know what’s happening

* “Wait MC why are you pulling me to bed I’m not really in the mood for-” “SHUT UP AND LET ME NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH YOU BID NERD”

* Will crack nurse jokes at any and all opprotunities (will try and get MC to wear his nurse cosplay outfit ofc)

* In all honestly, his heart will swell with love when he looks up to see MC’s worried face, how they’ll place a hand on his forehead or feed him medicine and a warm meal that isn’t honey buddha chips

* He feels guilty but at the same time so happy-he never thought he could ever have this, and he does, and he’s so scared that they’ll slip right through his fingers-with the boldness that the delerium of fever allows him, he’ll hold MC close to him, not caring wether they’ll catch his cold or not, simply grateful for their presence beside him

* If MC gets sick....good luck lmao

* He wants to take care of them, he just...has no clue how to lol

* Will put honey buddha chips in the microwave and hope it works

* Nah I’m just kidding-he’s used to taking care of Saeran as kids, so he more or less knows what to do-he will however have to ask Yoosung if he can come over and help him cook since he’s hopeless in that regard

V/JIHYUN:

* V actually has a pretty weak immune system-not immunocompromised per say, but he’s just more vulnerable to the winter cold is all

* He’s used to getting sick and knows the drill-go to the pharmacy, get some meds, stay in bed for a day or two, then back to daily life it is

* Rika...never really took much care of him. It’s probably not only because she didn’t try to, but also because he’s used to doing his best to not worry anyone; whatever burden there is to carry, he’ll try and carry it alone, always

* Well, MC is here now and they ain’t about to let that happen

* V will try and undermine his flu at first, but MC will insist, will tug this big lanky boy into bed and cover him in blankets, make him some warm tea with milk and honey and stay beside him as he drinks it, rubbing soothing circles in his back if he starts coughing/sneezing

* Unused to such affection, he’ll probably be shocked and flustered at first, but will appreciate the care nontheless

* Can’t wait to get healthy again so he can pepper MC’s face with kisses and take them on a well-deserved date, as a thank you for taking care of him

* If MC gets sick, his nursing mode is ON.

* This boy is a caregiver by design-he loves to pamper his loved ones, loves to be there and caring for them as much as possible

* If MC has a cough, he’ll cook up one of his mother’s remedies-a cup of warm red wine with honey and lemon (it soothes the throat instantly, 10/10 guaranteed)

* He’ll quietly stay besides them as they sleep the cold off, reading a book and frequently checking their temperature, placing lukewarm compresses to their forehead (only after placing a quick kiss of course)

* Hates to see his MC sick, but loves to care for them, can you see the predicament poor spicy mint is in

hi im soph and im here to remind you to get your yearly flu vaccine when possible! the yearly flu is no joke and actually kills thousands per year, so please take care of yourselves and your loved ones

-send me mystic messenger headcanons/scenarios for the characters to react to!-

#mystic messenger #mysme #mystic messenger headcanons #mysme headcanons #mysme propmpts #mystic messenger prompts #mysme V #mysme 707 #mysme zen #saeyoung choi #luciel choi #jihyun kim #yoosung kim #hyun ryu #jumin han #jaehee kang #saeonna

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aqvarius · 4 years

Text

[REVIEW] Her Love in the Force: Shusuke Soma - Who I Once Was

Guys, I’m supposed to be dieting during this quarantine period but Voltage is keeping me FED with all this new amazing Soma content.

HLITF fans, we have been blessed with amazing Soma content recently. Soma’s S3 Love’s Battlefield route was probably one of, if not the, most memorable HLITF routes I’ve ever played. I also adored his PoV despite it not covering all the moments that I personally wanted to read. (I understand disappointment over it, but I found that the bonus scenes they gave us made up for it, and it allows me to play with my own imagination a bit and potentially write up some fic for the scenes not in his PoV hehe.)

Like the manic Soma fan that I am, I had to IMMEDIATELY buy and read this route. I love him so much I am willing to do anything just to understand him even a little bit better. To my delight, I’m not even a little bit disappointed. And the route even made me spend 300 more coins to buy Goto’s Episode 0 so well done Voltage lol.

I will summarise my thoughts on this story and then get into some more detail in the cut below. With that said, if you know Soma’s back story already, there isn’t much information to spoil. But I’ll leave some of the more surprising details under the cut.

This story shows us an unfamiliar Soma. This is a Soma that is far colder than even when we first meet him as a Special Instructor at the Academy. He battles with his conflict over his future and what he feels like his life’s purpose is, which is all sparked over his sister Kurume’s comment that she sees him as a hero. Throughout the route, he struggles with aimlessness and his futile attempts to investigate the metro gas attack even while doing his work in the Criminal Affairs/Investigations department, where he becomes the mentor for new recruits Ichiyanagi and Goto. That’s RIGHT, we finally get the Soma/Goto/Ichiyanagi Criminal Affairs dynamics that I have been waiting for years for ever since finding out that they all worked there together! (The only thing missing is Hayase but I guess he’s from a different timeline lol).

This is something that makes the route super enjoyable to read because we get to see a Soma who isn’t as gentle and reticent as the one we know. He’s a bit colder, a bit harsher, and has less tolerance for antics. We also see Soma as a mentor before he became an instructor and it’s so cool to realise that Goto and Subaru are so capable partially because of the harsh but fair mentoring of Soma and the way that he’s not only drilled the fundamentals of police work into them but also supported them emotionally through the trials of losing a loved one. This route really helps you understand why Goto has so much trust and respect for Soma (and I’d like to see more Soma/Subaru interactions!)

We also get to see Kurume for what I believe is the first time, which is incredible to be able to put a face to the name. I am such a sucker for big brother Shusuke and seeing more of his life with Kurume really adds depth to our understanding of his character and why/how losing him has made him lose perspective of his own life and identity.

(I don’t know if I can explain in words how devastated seeing the two of them together made me feel...)

The route also gave some more insight into the Goto/Kazuki situation which was used really well to offset Soma’s own situation regarding vengeance and unresolved grief. We also get to see more of the relationship between Soma and Goto and how much Goto respects him as a senpai even though Goto transferred to Public Safety first (on the recommendation of a certain elite ;)). There are also some great Ishigami/Soma moments which I’ll elaborate on under the cut, as well as some things I discovered while cross referencing between this story and Goto’s Who I Once Was.

I love that there’s a theme running throughout the story, which is about defining a hero. This is a crucial question which underpins Soma’s incessant yet pointless attempts to figure out his identity and purpose in life. I love that we begin to see him figuring out what being a hero means to him and that Goto’s own grief and slow road to recovery, and the way that he’s affected Goto’s life, is what sets him on this path towards figuring out where to go from here on out. This path is then what leads him to his MC, who we can see is someone who grabs him by the hand and pulls him ever forward.

To put it briefly, this is a route you’ll enjoy if you love Team Ishigami. You get to see both Soma and Goto pre-trauma (you get to see a younger Goto than in his own episode 0), but then you see both of them forced to confront grief head-on, and then you can see how they both help each other to move forward in their own subtle ways. This story also showcases the best of Ishigami, a man who is collected and analytical but is always thinking of how he can help those around him who are hurt. Like how Ishigami and Kaga are saved by Namba, I would say that Soma saves Goto, then Goto returns the favour, and then Ishigami saves them both.

Keep reading under the cut to see my further thoughts on Soma: Who I Once Was. I provide extra details about the story and provide some analysis on his relationships with his colleagues and his MC with lots of screenshots for evidence!

Okay so first off: Soma’s parents are ALIVE??? Why have we never met them?! You would think that they would come to Kurume’s grave on Soma’s birthday to see their children at least. For some reason I genuinely thought it was just him and Kurume but no it turns out that he’s had parents this whole time?! Either way, it’s so wonderful getting to see Soma’s home life from back when he was a teenager.

In the past, I’ve made joking comments about Soma being confused over familial and romantic love and wondering if he just cares for his MC like he cares for Kurume because how can you have sex with someone and then still wonder if you just care for them like a SISTER. But this story definitely helped me understand his mindset a bit better and why he sees similarities between his MC and his sister.

So I think we’ve discovered quite early on that Soma’s sister died on his 19th birthday. We also see scenes of them when Kurume is in high school and already having to fill out forms about her future. So she would be 15 at the very least while Shu would have been probably in his first year of uni? I think he’s mentioned that Kurume and his MC would be around the same age but I was really reminded of that in this route.

Honestly it devastated me to read that conversation because her future was just stripped away from her like that. And to see her get all excited about all the possibilities her future held just wrecked me emotionally. She was considering being a florist or a baker or a pharmacist. She would have been around the same age as the MC :’( To see Shu suggest that Kurume could consider studying agriculture made my heart ache because it made me think of how much care Soma puts into maintaining his plants and how much it means to him that his MC takes care of them for him when he can’t, especially because that’s what Kurume did. I also now believe that Soma is so invested in doing whatever it takes to guide his MC towards the best possible future for her because it’s his way of almost atoning for Kurume never being able to live out her dreams and future.

So rather than mistaking familial and romantic/sexual love, I think it’s rather that Soma sees his MC as symbolic of how his sister might have grown up. Rather than thinking of his MC as his sister, he wonders if he’s just fond of her because she’s similar to how she might have been, sort of like how you might make friends more easily with people that remind you of other friends or siblings/people close to you. That’s why he gets so confused when he feels more beyond just affection and can’t control his emotions, because he’s never felt love beyond just worrying and wanting the best for someone until his MC.

On a side note, Soma did a 4 year degree at a university before joining the police academy? What did he study?!?! I want to know!!!!!

I also love that we got to see Soma not really wanting to be a mentor. We get to see him at his most candid, and at a time in his life where he’s still figuring himself out and doesn’t have any goals except for getting to the bottom of the Crimson Wings case. So when he has to take two rambunctious young men under his wing, it’s so amusing to see how much they annoy him at first with their bickering. In the main stories, we only really get to see a bit of this when he deals with Kurosawa but when he does that, it’s kind of jokey and snarky but man Subaru and Goto really pissed him off at times LOL. Like I mentioned, we’ve only seen him as a seasoned instructor who goes out of his way to help you develop, but he is so reluctant to look after these kids at first. He calls them goons, the gruesome twosome, annoying, a pain in the ass… It’s so funny seeing this side of Soma.

I did think it was so cute that Subaru immediately jumped to calling him Shu and Goto was so polite and called him Soma-san but then somewhere down the line ended up calling him Shu as well (which is what he still calls him to this day. I would literally DIE to see some present-day Subaru/Soma interactions – will someone who’s played Goto’s Adversaries let me know if the two of them interact? Subaru is so alpha male especially now, I’d love to see him defer to Soma in the present day.) It was also so cute that they tried to throw him a birthday party (but also very tragic because his birthday is also the anniversary of Kurume’s death and none of them knew that).

I also loved seeing Soma’s response to Kazuki’s death and the way that Goto’s loss and Soma’s loss kind of play off each other. He knows how it feels to lose a loved one, he’s been dealing with the repercussions of it for at least around 5 years at this point with frankly very little progression. If Goto was not able to move forward because he was stuck in time, Soma is not able to move forward because he is lost. Goto’s grieving puts in in a static place where he can’t move, but Soma’s grieving has him constantly moving, but without direction. He’s haunted by Kurume’s words and even says as much: “I had no idea where I was supposed to go… I just let myself float along”.

This is why Soma scolds him both in his own story and in Goto’s story, and it is Soma’s experience that allows him to guide Goto towards his growth. It’s also (at least partially) because of Soma that Goto ends up in Public Safety.

Ishigami approaches Soma for an evaluation of Goto, stating that “students raised by an elite teacher are elite themselves”. Soma’s evaluation sets the stage for Goto to eventually be able to confront his grief and develop as an undercover specialist through Ishigami’s guidance; Goto even calls him his “benefactor”. In Goto’s story, he says “It has to be him. The one who found me on the neon-lit street” and Goto then mentions a line about being blinded by revenge that I’m pretty certain is something that Soma said during their nighttime (and thus presumably neon-lit) back alley chat. So I’m not 100% certain who Goto has in mind but 95% he’s thinking about Soma, especially since he later thanks him for the transfer.

We know that Soma essentially helps Goto without trying because he’s confused when Goto calls him his benefactor. In evaluating Goto to Ishigami and cornering him in that dark alley, without even knowing it, Soma effectively helps to push Goto into facing his future – the two facets that Goto says makes someone a hero.

We also discover that Soma is recruited to Public Safety through a recommendation by Goto, who is presumably “the elite who nominated” him. I love that if Soma pushes the frozen-in-time Goto into moving forward, Goto helps the lost Soma begin to find some direction.

For years, Soma has been chasing this elusive concept of “being a hero” without even knowing what that means, which is why he never gets closer to fulfilment, because he doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be like to “feel like a hero”. No matter what he himself does, he is never able to see himself as a hero either because he couldn’t prevent the death of the one person he wanted to save. I will say probably that the thing that first changed Soma into making him feel like he has more sense of purpose in becoming one step closer to the “hero” that Kurume said he was is that Goto basically called him his hero. I think it’s so special because here we can really see the links drawn between Goto’s life, Soma’s life, and the narrative theme of being a “hero”.

Something that I thought was missing was how Goto (and potentially Subaru?) finds out about Soma’s past. We never see him tell him about it, but I wonder if that’s the reason why he nominates Soma to join Public Safety? We know that Ishigami knows about it, but I think Goto would probably have found out through Soma himself?

On another note, I actually wondered why Soma, Goto and Kurosawa all have fairly similar strategies and strengths as detectives while Kaga and Shinonome have more specific specialties. Now I realise it’s because Goto trained under Soma, and Kurosawa trained under both Goto and Soma.

These two routes made me realise that Goto needed Soma, Soma needed Goto, and they both needed Ishigami and Public Safety in order to be able to keep walking forward without being trapped in neverending grief. I just need to talk for a little bit about how incredible Ishigami is. Ishigami’s judgement in picking his team is amazing. The fact that he finds these people who have personal vendettas who are working covertly and independently to achieve vengeance and then sees how they evaluate each other shows that he is actively building a team that respects each other and work well together. He sees that they have the skills for Public Safety work but also that they have personal issues that Public Safety can help them deal with, and then he does everything he can to help them attain their peace. Ishigami is unbelievably supportive. He works quietly and diligently within the system to get his subordinates to where they need to be and I LOVE THAT SO MUCH.

Okay with all this said, I cross referenced between Goto’s Episode 0 and Soma’s Episode 0 and found some timeline discrepancies? Right after Kazuki’s death, we know Goto spends a while completely depressed until Subaru drags him up to go to Kazuki’s funeral. Then after her funeral, he becomes obsessed with working independently to try to avenge her death. This goes on for long enough (weeks) that Soma has to corner him in a back alley to lecture him (which by the way happens surprisingly often with Soma lol). Goto transfers to Public Safety soon after Kazuki’s funeral. We know this because he transfers and we see him start doing work for Ishigami but when he goes to see her grave and Subaru says that he’s transferring to SP department, this happens on the monthiversary of Kazuki’s death (not even her funeral). Then, it says that Soma transfers to Public Safety a few weeks after Goto’s transfer (meaning it would have happened within a couple months at most after Kazuki’s death).

In Soma’s route, we know that he goes to see Goto a few weeks after Iijima (Kazuki)’s funeral with the bananas. This occurs while Goto is still at Criminal Affairs because Soma references “the other day” when Soma lectures him about his personal life getting in the way of his job. I’m assuming this happens after the back alley lecture when Goto has returned to normal life for that one week before he gets called to transfer to Public Safety. However, later Soma, still working in Criminal Affairs, says “Years have passed, but the one responsible for [Kazuki’s] case wasn’t caught”. This suggests that Soma was still at Criminal Affairs for years after Goto’s transfer to Public Safety rather than weeks? So what’s the TRUTH?

I also just briefly want to gush about how much I love the CG. We see those typical important Soma elements (his hair and the bonsai) but I just love the look on his face. I mean he looks impossibly handsome, but he looks so serious and determined while at the same time still lacking the warmth that we see in later CGs that he only develops after meeting his MC. Am I reading too much into this? Maybe, but let me PRETEND.

Finally, I want to end my thoughts on how this relates to his relationship with his MC. Soma says that she’s helped him to face the future. As I previously discussed, I genuinely believe that part of this is because his MC lets him see glimpses of what Kurume could have been. Soma is attracted to her brightness, her bravery, her diligence, her conviction and her optimism. (He also starts enjoying everyday life with her when they pose as a married couple and let’s not forget that he does find her physically attractive even before he falls in love/realises he’s in love lol). But more significantly, I feel like this is because of how important he is to her.

Soma has previously said that he doesn’t trust Public Safety, but for some reason they seem to trust him. This reveals that he’s not sure of what his value is to his department or to his colleagues. While he has moved forward, he’s still working towards being that “someone who pushes you to face the future” and “helps people without trying”. Even though Goto basically implies that Soma is the one who has helped him face his future, Soma sort of interrupts so he doesn’t explicitly voice it. However, when his MC confesses how important he is to her with that unwavering conviction of hers, I believe in that moment he suddenly realises his own worth. His MC, who in some ways is a vicarious symbol of Kurume’s potential, helps him see that he has already been a “hero” to those he has saved through his Public Safety work and to his colleagues. This, combined with her trust in his colleagues and them actually coming to the rescue, is what makes Soma able to trust his colleagues. Because he finally knows his own worth, he can finally see how significant he is to his colleagues and how far they would go for him. I think this is also what makes him believe in Public Safety as an institution. For years, he’s been unable to trust or forgive Public Safety because of what happened to Kurume, but now he can finally see that they as an institution have actually helped people and saved people’s lives, and this is partially due to his own involvement.

Finally, the last facet of his relationship with his MC that I want to talk about is how mutually important their relationship is. I’ve already discussed how his MC sees him as a hero by those guidelines that Goto helped him set down, but by those same guidelines, his MC is also his hero. I mean first off, he first became conscious of her as a woman when she gave a ridiculous display of bravery. But more importantly, if a hero is someone who helps people without trying and someone who pushes you to face the future, she has done both of those for him. He says so himself: “With her, I think I can focus on the future and moving forward”. And she has helped him just by being herself. This theme really comes to a head when she literally throws away her own future to help him finally get closure. When he decides to cut his hair, he says this:

“I’ll make the cut, draw the distinction between the past and the future, because I love them both.

I have to let go of what I’ve lost and look to what I can still gain.”

He learns this because of her.

Soma: Who I Once Was is an incredible story that really helped me to understand my favourite character’s psyche, history and relationships just a little bit more. For that, I’m so thrilled and so grateful. I’m so pleased at the quality of this content and all the insight it provides, and I’m excited to see how Soma and his relationships continue to grow and develop in the future.

#shusuke soma #seiji goto #hideki ishigami #subaru ichiyanagi #her love in the force #hlitf #voltage #voltage inc #voltage otome #otome game #otome blog #otome romance #love 365 #love 365 find your story #snow writes #review

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one-abuse-survivor · 4 years

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Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken.

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl.

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't.

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph!

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

#Anonymous #Vent #Ask #Abuse tw #Abuse #Abusive parents #Emotional abuse #Long post #Threats #Guilt tripping #guilt tripping tw #Threats tw #therapy mention #christianity mention #neglect mention #(I'm nonbinary btw but it's not like my grandfather knows or would care 🙃)

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rowingviolahere · 5 years

Text

@pimmsweek “anything” seems like as good an excuse for a field au as any so! two shots of kent and jack training (pre and post jack’s haircut because continuity what continuity).

[image description] two black and white pen drawings with limited grey shading. The first is two boys in field hockey uniforms a short corner battery viewed from further up the field: Jack (left, #1) is midway through a shot on goal that had been trapped by Kent (right, #90), who is now standing to the side out of his way. The second is the same two, viewed from goal-side: Jack is behind Kent and has his stick out in an attempt to block the ball; Parse has brought the ball nearer to himself and is mid-swing for a tomahawk shot. [/end description]

other notes for this au:

please note in the second image jack is defintiely wearing a fluro pink bib because he’s the Assigned Defender for the drill. he does not enjoy being defence, but he’s the only one who can keep up with kent and also not flinch away when he raises his stick for a toma

bad bob coached multiple olympic teams to gold medals but has since retired. there’s much less uh, huge press following of field hockey compared with ice but he’s still known within the community. technically for them to be like, pros they’d probably have to be on their national teams (and because of the whole canadian vs us thing, on different sides) but for now they’re together let’s let them be happy

jack played hockey for a club team rather than his school team, and started playing men’s when he was about 13. and then they just kept moving him up the divs until he was like, 16 and playing in the top men’s league of his city

they met at state reps i guess? junior nationals? i never got high enough level to experience rep hockey and also i don’t know how it works in america so let’s just handwave it and pretend it’s roughly analagous to what i know of aussie rep hockey ok? ok. kent was CF for his team, so he was taking point and staring jack down as he took free hits. jack learned very quickly that he had to hit very quickly otherwise this guy standing Right On The Five I Have My Hand Up And The Ump Said It’s Fine Just No Closer will get the ball off you before you could tap it and then take a shot

they ended up just marking each other out of the game half the time it was very funny and also there was A Bit Of Argy-Bargy but they were also willing to fuck around with the balls while everyone else was going to the clubhouse to get a drink then they added each other on facebook and spent the rest of the carnival when they weren’t with their teams just mucking about on the field in between games lol

then either jack moves or kent moves or maybe they end up on the same uni team or whatever, they end up on the same team and they are the Best but also the Worst (you know, playing jinking tennis while waiting for their turn on a drill, juggling the ball just Constantly, etc)

their short battery is parse traps, jack hits. if there’s a rebound, kent usually gets it, but jack is known for dragflicks that just. they go right where goalies hate

both of them take one-on-ones, duh, but kent is actually better at penalty strokes than jack. not that jack’s bad, he just overthinks them and they sometimes go wide, whereas kent’s hit the goal every time just sometimes the goalie gets there first

kent parson can tomahawk like a motherfucker. most people are like, oh shit i got it in the right direction AND it raised? nice! he’s like, “i’m going to put it top right corner then middle left post” and hits two balls and they go exactly where he said they would. jack can aim his but not to nearly the same extent. kent’s hits are comparatively not great so it evens out

assists don’t count in field as points. jack and kent have poached each other’s goals multiple times throughout the season. they are keeping count.

kent is an excellent centre half, he distributes the ball Very Nicely, Jack is a centre forward, but sometimes things happen and they get chucked into a wing/inner pair, wherin they just one-two it down the line. Jack as RW running the baseline dumping it up to parse who gets a one-touch then toma is a real dangerous combo

kent parson has mastered the art of spinning his stick in the air so that it lands on rounds more often than flat. no one can work out how he does it. it frustrates the opposition immensely.

johnson the goalie i think might be That One Guy Who Is Always At The Hockey Centre, You Know The One, who has at some point coached literally every goalie in the city and surrounding region and never wears shoes even when there is ice on the field

#pimmsweek #omgcheckplease #check please #kent parson #jack zimmermann #as someone who plays field AND ice let me tell you i have many many onions for this au #need to draw it out but bitty's checking issue is to do with raised balls (which makes kent's tomaing h i l a r i o u s in hindsight)#chowder is a chirpy chatty goalie who also slide tackles; johnson stands and stands and then suddenly he's got the ball out from under you #rans and holster are a fullback pair that much is clear #bitty strikes me as an inner bc he's fast and can run and run and run #kent and jack alternate in my brain between CH/CF pair #and inner/wing pair but honestly they probably move around #as a utility player i'm probably more used to moving around than most but rest assured positions in field are much more fluid than ice #i'd colour this but it's already almost late #edited to add image description

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violetsoju · 3 years

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alkjsdffsdl this is such a late reply but i hope you're well, lin baobei (◡‿◡) ♡

back when i was in school the library was the only place i could really focus on studying until the end of my degree (my discipline had run out by then LOL). as for language learning apps, i downloaded duolingo to learn vietnamese but... no discipline... but ALSO i felt like it was very repetitive and the vocab it was teaching me was a little impractical

AHAHA my books are collecting dust but they're also in the basement and haven't seen daylight for years! i'll probably end up donating them too eventually, when i'm ready to part ways with them :')

kudos to baby lin for wanting to try new things and for going through all that training! i would never have thought of synchro swimming as a kid (probably wouldn't have been good at it either... i was not flexible and wasn't a strong swimmer either heh). omg the mental fortitude you had to have to do drills in the dark asdlfkjsa i would pass out from the anxiety (◎﹏◎)

yvonne baobei!! im doing well and i hope you are too ♡ ♡ and pls i myself am bad w replies to so we're even T_T

same omg i cant study in my room and the library was my second home ('was' bc i cant go to the library now bc of the lockdown T_T). i used to haunt the uni library and a cafe during my last year of undergrad w my friend to get our thesis done hhhh. oh yeah ive heard of that abt language learning apps too, which further made me even lazy to download and give them a try :')

it's always so hard to part ways w books tho, both those that youve read and havent read before haha. there's a sort of sentimental attachment to them i guess? i still cant let go of my box worth of winx club and witch copies yet :')))

aaaah thank you yvonne jiejie! fun fact: it was actually my mom who got me into synchro swimming hhhh she loved watching synchro swimming so when she saw a recruitment ad in the local newspaper one day she signed me up with me knowing absolutely nothing abt what it was hahaha. and same i would Not have the heart to swim in the dark ever again T_T my guts have gone from 📈 to 📉 as i get older :'))

#yvonne ❤️#the mental fortitude kids have a srs amazing hhh #speaking abt books i havent touched the books i borrowed from the library for quite some time now *coughs*#bless the lockdown i guess or else i'd extending the return dates again until i run out of it LOL

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hvzardly · 5 years

Text

Hope

When I was a kid, as typical as any kid could be, I wanted everything. Toys. Fun time. Everytime. Anytime. One of my favourite places to be was a supermarket named Berkat. Lol I know. Because there was where all the toys were. So everytime we drove pass that area, I would be hoping that Abah would make a turn to it. If he did not or did not seem to, I would grab whole of his seat (me usually seated behind driver) and used all my super telekinetic force to push the car that way.

Well of course, nothing happened. In fact, nothing really happened even if we did go there. I could count just how many times Abah bought a toy for me. Maybe once or twice; during my birthday between 1 to 3. Other than that, I got my toys from other people. They either bought me, or gave me their kids' old broken toys.

Not just toys. As I grew, it started to feel like Abah's mission was to let me down and shut me off. On whatever I hoped or wished for. When I thought it was fun going to Tok's house in Sg Petani, they would not let me, and me would just end up with Mak at her canteen while everyone else was working or schooling. When I started to love it very much staying at hers especially after we moved to Kulim, guess what - they just changed their mind again! Even when it was weekend and taking me there was never a hassle, they wouldn't.

So I began realising my own dreams. I wanted a chess set, so Keklin and I would build our own using some recycle stuff. Learnt it ourselves. Until raya came and we had enough money to buy a medium sized one. Yeah. Raya money usually meant toys or whatever stuff we been dreaming all year.

Video games? Heh. We never had any. The small hand-video-game, I did have two. Bought em myself using the fee I got from my kids tv show thingy. Heh. Owh. We did have one nintendo; presented by one of Abah's clients, but well kept in the drawer. Told me to wait till after my primary school big exam. Waited. Scored. And I think I told you what happened - our house got broken into, and I lost my one and only future video games console.

Then what else? Walkman. Discman. Same drill. Used old ones; courtesy of Kakchik and siblings. Handphone? Nope. Not until I went into uni and bought it myself using my scholarship money. In my final year, I even had to sell off my pc to cover my expenses cus suddenly my parents stopped sending me money anymore.

And going thru all those years and years of disappointments, I started to naturally develop a habit. A tendancy to stop hoping. Or wishing. Whenever I think that I have the slightest probability to not get something, I would immediately stop hoping for it.

It did not start abruptly tho. In early stages, I did try. For few stuff in few years. But yah.. again and again I was shown the same exit door. It is so simple; if I don't hope, I won't be hurt again.

But you know what? Come to think of it, I know. I always knew. I knew Abah and Mama just made enough for us to live. What toys what video games; if we once survived just through some loafs of bread for dinner, and had to borrow newspapers from Abang Chaq because it was too much of a luxury to buy our own. And I don't think our house was broken into tho. Who the hell broke into a house and stole only one set of video games??? Just do your own maths, how many things can a Nintendo set help pay for, if they sold it?

Yes, I did buy my own first phone; but when I lost it, Abah replaced me with a new one. And also yes, I did sell off my pc - which Abah bought using his pansion money! Together with a digital camera for my study!!

I. Always. Knew. But sayang kan. Cus when I was adult enough to understand, it is a bit too late. All the hardness should be one hell of a motivation for me tl strive, but unfortunately I guess the habit has been so deeply blending within me. Scars can do two things to you; it either makes you stronger and numb towards any pains, or it leaves an ever bigger scar within your heart.

I guess, I am a lil bit of those. I have been scarred too much that I decided not to endure another tiny scar anymore. And I have been through too many hardships that I am reluctant to go through it all again, or even allow anyone else to do so. However, remember my weakness? I forgive too easily. And maybe my fatigue of getting drown in a sea of negativity and disappointment, made me think too positively too now.

This resulted me in not using my motivation to overcome my hardship, IF it means I have to be mean to others and make their lives hard. Instead, I would just succumb to myself and let them be. Like those people we talked about earlier. Maybe it is not that bad, but I am too traumatised to even ask twice. Once bitten, twice shy, I have been.

The only thing I am really motivated enough to fight for, and went against all odds, is YOU. I was ruthless in making us work; and I do not know for really sure why. But at least, I have a motivation now. To fight for my life. And from there onwards, I have been bolder. 2018 had seen me being as bold as I have never been.

Because I have you. My drive. My motivation. To pull through. You are it. A reason. The reason.

And the reason is yoooooouuuuuuu...

P.s.: Help me. Help me lift it back up if ever the drive slows down. Like now. With no job.. no money.. and too much time alone.. with too many thoughts flying around.. it is hard to stay strong. Need you so so so badly.

Luviu.

So much.

Too much.

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ohh-kaye · 5 years

Text

The End of a Student Nurse

April 27, 2016 | 10:23 pm

Tomorrow is Day 1 of placement. Holy crap.

Fortunately enough, I’m not too nervous. Maybe it’s because it hasn’t kicked in yet and I’ll probably have a mental breakdown tomorrow - a minute before I have to enter the ACUTE MEDICAL WARD. Remember this. After 3 years you will go back and remember this.

This is mostly because you’re sentimental and future you will want to remember this feeling of nerves and hopefully on that last day of placement, that feeling of ease and relief that you didn’t die on Day 1.

Okay. The ward. At this moment, all you know is the hospital name, ward and time of arrival. Add the theory and practicals from uni and all that leaves you with is inexperienced little me. I don’t even know what I’m bringing tomorrow. A notebook? Yes. A pen? Multi-coloured maybe. Name badge? Fob watch! Almost forgot. Lunch? I do not know. I’m probably going to kick myself tomorrow for forgetting something.

That’s fine, I guess. I just don’t want to look like an idiot tomorrow just trailing around the RN I’m assigned to and peeking over her shoulder while I intently listen to my first ever handover.

What if they say “Do you know how to do this?” and I say “Yes” and I perform it badly and they think I’m not competent enough.

I want to be better.

I know at first they’ll excuse me for making mistakes but what if I’m consistent?

I’m reading the Nursing Student Orientation booklet and it has this Glucose thing at the back and I can just picture me filling it out and having no clue what this all means.

I’m also simultaneously getting exhausted just thinking about my expectations for tomorrow but I know if I sleep now I’ll have 7 hours of sleep before I have to wake up at 6 am tomorrow and if I sleep later I’ll have 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1 and I’ll keep having this mentality until I pass out. Then I’ll get up and get ready. Wear my uniform for the second time (first time was for the bloody OSCE’s) ugh. Pack my things and go to ***** ****** ********.

I am a lot of things right now and ready is not one of them.

Send help.

I feel like one of the things keeping me going is the fact that in 24 hours I’ll be here - in the same spot reflecting on the day’s happenings and I’m excited for that.

I would like to know what happens tomorrow. I’m still not nervous though (usually if there are no nerves, I do something stupid on the day. BE WARNED).

I’ll try to write when I can after every placement or on momentous occasions (but knowing the profession I’m choosing, every occurrence will be a unique one) but if I don’t it’s either I’m lazy, tired, busy or dead.

So I’ll sleep early (lol no) and we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

Good luck.

November 29, 2018 | 2341

Hello there.

I don’t know what to say.

Actually... I have a lot of things to say but I don’t know where to start or which one I should say first.

Did you notice that I’m using military time now. You didn’t know this before but this is how we read time now. No more am’s or pm’s. Only because it’s easier and you’re less prone to make mistakes with the timing of... ANYTHING.

(i thought that was an interesting learning point)

3 years went by so fast.

In 4 months you will be an RN. Isn’t that crazy? Just 2 months ago you literally had to ask someone to swipe you into the drug room just to get saline. And then you’ll be given the responsibility to give people their medications.

DO YOU REALISE HOW FAR YOU’VE GONE?!

Let’s list where you’ve been, shall we?

1. Acute Medical Ward

2. Surgical Ward

3. Renal Dialysis Unit

4. Aged Care Unit

5. Acute Medical Ward (again)

6. General Medical Ward

7. Emergency Department

8. Paediatric Oncology Unit

9. Neurosurgical Ward

10. Technical Suites

You’ve been everywhere. Good for you.

You’ve been through a lot and I think you made the most out of it. And maybe you’re proud of yourself for sticking it through the end. Because that whole experience was a nightmare.

I’ll be honest with you though... you don’t want to do this anymore. 3 years just became too much and the best way I can describe it is that it sucked the life out of you.

I’m so sorry.

I wish it were a different outcome. I wished that when you reflected on this, you were sure that this was the path and you were so ready to jump into the medical field.

But you’re not.

You know you’re not.

I don’t think you would’ve anticipated this - like the feeling of wanting to die instead of going to the hospital for your shift or the feeling of wanting to die because you want to go home during your shift or the feeling of wanting to die because you don’t want to have to do it all over again tomorrow.

I can’t emphasise how horrible you felt during these 3 years and you’ve never ever experienced anxiety like that. Where you found yourself crying in the morning because you didn’t want to go to work. And having a full panic attack on the bus or the car while on the way to the hospital. And hiding in the toilets until you’re 5 minutes before your start time because you can’t bear to be on the floor or around your fellow colleagues.

Do you realise how weird it was that the first thing you need to find when you step into every new placement location were the toilets? I think it was because you needed an escape when you so desperately need it. And you’ve utilised it fully. I can’t count how many times you’ve gone to the toilet pretending to pee but you just stare at yourself in the mirror or sit on the toilet and trying to calm yourself down because “YOU’RE A FUCKING NURSE. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU PIECE OF SHIT”.

But I digress.

You did learn quite a lot. For the most part you know what to do to not kill your patients. And that’s a good thing.

You found yourself thriving when you were by yourself and doing your own thing and nurses who worked with you complimented you on that. They said you were quiet a lot. I remember that very placement at 1D that a nurse said to you “You’re really quiet” to which another nurse responded “No, she’s just shy” to which you said “No, I’m just socially awkward”. They said it would go away but... it didn’t.

The main learning point they try to drill into me throughout the 3 years was that YOU NEED TO BE MORE CONFIDENT!

But I don’t think they get it.

My brain just tells me I’m stupid and worthless and I should probably just never speak. So I don’t. Because it’s comforting knowing that I’m not being judged if I say or do anything wrong because I’m not saying or doing anything.

I feel bad for everyone who tried to make me feel better by telling me that I’m doing a good job and that I’m by far the best student nurse they had. I think it’s because I was very agreeable and I did everything they wanted me to do and I was very insistent that I needed to keep doing something to help.

It wasn’t because I wanted to help.

It was because I hated feeling incompetent.

I know in my soul that I’m a horrible person and I’m a fake and I pretend to be another person when I’m on the floor and it’s only because I want to impress everyone.

I don’t actually want to be here.

I don’t want to help you.

But I have to because it’s my job.

And I feel uncomfortable saying that out loud because it’s not right to say it.

I’ve had multiple patients and nurses ask me “Why did you want to do nursing?” and I don’t know how to respond. Because how do you say “I actually don’t want to do this. I hate this job”.

So I give a fake smile and tell them in a chirpy voice “Because I like to help people. I’m passionate about this career”.

The amount of “socialising” you do in an 8-hour shift physically, mentally and emotionally exhausts you. And I think that’s why you’re miserable.

I don’t like people.

I don’t like helping people.

But I will.

And I’ll do a good job at it.

Even if it means sacrificing every drop of joy in your being.

Because there’s nothing else for you to do.

You’re stuck.

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doctor-sweet-blog · 7 years

Note

also all belle and simba too lbr

BELLE

☾ - sleep headcanon

belle sleeps primarily on her side, curled up all cute-like. she normally sleeps with her hand tucked up under her chin and all snuggled in her blankets, sometimes all you can see is the top of her head. and if she’s really tired--she totally drools. just a lil, enough to be cute and not gross. lol

★ - sad headcanon

i feel like there are?? so many?? after her mom died, her dad forgot her birthday every year. for like...twelve years, to the point where even belle forgot it was her birthday after a while.

☆ - happy headcanon

sometimes, on her dad’s good days, when he would go work in his workshop, he would let belle come in too and he would teach her different little mechanical things or show her his inventions in progress and belle always thought they were the most wonderful things.

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

when belle’s dad left she lowkey destroyed a bunch of his inventions because she was so mad. tbh, belle will definitely throw things when she’s mad enough. it doesn’t happen often but she is not opposed to lobbing a pillow or a book at someone.

✿ - Sex headcanon

obviously, she’s not the most interested in sex (and right now it definitely isn’t a priority rly) but she does appreciate it and i think when she has time (when everything stops being awful forever) she will get v v curious and that will be a #trip

■ - Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

gosh what hcs do i not have about belle’s house? i know i’ve mentioned this one a lot but it’s my favorite: belle’s house is covered in clocks. they’re everywhere. and none of them tell the proper time. they’re all wacked out.

♡ - romantic headcanon

belle’s way of showing romance is like surprisingly more physical than i imagined, but she’s not good at words, so she has to show it with her actions. she likes to touch people, just little touches (and this goes for friends too). once she feels comfortable, it is how belle shows affection bc she really doesn’t like touching strangers/being touched otherwise.

♥ - family headcanon

maurice and charisse met in paris while maurice was fixing one of the big fancy clocks in the opera house. charisse was on her way to practice and a spring got loose and hit her and she was so mad about it she started yelling at maurice but cut herself off halfway because she realized he was fixing a clock and goodness isn’t that fascinating--and she missed her rehearsal because she was just drilling him with questions.

☮ - friendship headcanon

in school there were definitely people who wanted to be her friend, most of belle’s loneliness was self-made because she thought people were pitying her or wanting to be her friend to get into her pants/have her help them with school (both of which were often true.) but she was very good friends with a few of her teachers, and of course, mr. livre, the owner of chapter three.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

humming. belle hums a lot. she used to sing too, when she lived alone. but she hums when she’s reading sometimes, even, without realizing she’s doing it. or hums while she’s making dinner or in the shower or cleaning (which she rarely does lmao)

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

secretly loves trashy romance novels, though she’d never admit to it. she’s not really a fan of autobiographies.

▼ - childhood headcanon

belle used to draw on her bedroom window with dry erase markers. she created these beautiful scenes to entertain herself (she’d like stage whole battles and stuff) because she didn’t have any traditional toys--no dolls or leggos or anything like that. all she really had was her imagination.

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

when belle will be sharp as a whip until the day she dies. she’s that grandma that is still up and moving around at 97 years old, correcting people for their grammar and having philosophical discussions.

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

belle is not the world’s greatest cook. she had to entirely teach herself and while she is excellent at following a recipe, she is almost too good, and never leaves room for interpretation which leaves her food just kind of meh.

☼ - appearance headcanon

belle rarely wears patterns, unless she’s going to an event, and even then she stays away from them--or too-bright of colors. anything that draws the eye. she dresses pretty conservatively too, long to-the-knee skirts at least and blouses buttoned all the way up (she’s a master at safety pinning her shirts so they don’t pop open.)

ൠ - random headcanon

belle knows allllll the kinds of tools like the difference between a philip’s head and a flat head screwdriver; hammers, different kinds of nails, screws, etc etc. because she helped her dad a lot on his inventions.

SIMBA

☾ - sleep headcanon

as a kid, simba was read to every night without fail and then listened to books on tape to fall asleep, or music if all else fails. he got broken of the habit when away for school, but when he has a bad night the easiest way for him to get back to sleep is to listen to someone read him something.

★ - sad headcanon

every time something significant happens in his life (he gets engaged/married, has a kid/dog, gets a new job, moves)--he’s going to cry because he wants so badly to share those things with his dad and he can’t.

☆ - happy headcanon

simba is lowkey like super excited to go through all of kiara’s big milestones with her. he doesn’t really talk about it but he thinks about her graduations and her getting married (and he really hopes she’ll ask him to walk her down the aisle or some equivalent--”give her away” or w/e).

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

when simba gets angry it is almost 100% of the time because someone put someone in danger or was in danger themselves. most of his like true anger is a defense mechanism against fear.

✿ - Sex headcanon

simba is like the most goofy person during sex like 70% percent of the time. he likes to crack jokes or tickle or just do things to make the other person laugh because he’s super comfortable with his body and stuff but he knows other people aren’t so he’s always tried to be like a super relaxed partner and likes to make sex fuN because it should be FUN

■ - Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

when he was a kid, simba was superrrr messy. it got a little better when he was in boarding school bc im sure they had like regular room inspections, but as soon as he hit uni his shit exploded again. buttt when he bought the cabin, he fixed it up himself. there were like leaky ceilings and rotted floorboards and all sorts of stuff, and he spent like a whole year fixing it up and painting it and picking out all the furniture. his house is lowkey his baby and he doesn’t like it being messy bc he wants it to look impressive. it’s definitely like--lived in, but not messy.

♡ - romantic headcanon

simba is not one of those people who withholds his “i love you’s” and he’s not someone who thinks saying it makes it mean less because that’s utterly ridiculous. he grew up with a family that said “i love you” a lot and he thinks it’s very important that the person u love knows that.

♥ - family headcanon

there is a big line for simba between friends and family. and yes, it is possible for people not related to him to cross the divide, but it is very distinct for him. it doesn’t mean he really treats people differently--until it comes to making the decision of keeping someone in his life or not. friends are a lot easier for him to cut out, but it is almost impossible for him to cut out family (you have to be taka, lmao. he is the exception.)

☮ - friendship headcanon

simba is so incredibly loyal to his friends. and he is definitely that person to call when you have to move or when you need a last minute babysitter or you have two tickets to some boring art show and you need someone to go with you. the friend to call if you’re feeling weird while walking home at dusk. he will bend over backwards to keep the people he loves happy and he is more than wiling to lend an ear or helping hand.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

simba keeps a prayer mat in his office/at home/and in his car and he prays three times a day almost without fail (only if he is too depressed/drunk not to). he prays at sunrise (shorook), afternoon (asr), and evening (maghrib). (he mixes it up sometimes, like depending on his schedule he’ll pray at noon or later at night--there are five prayer times.)

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

simba loves snacks. or food in general. he’s always eating. which makes ramadan so rough for him ahaha. he very much dislikes people who think that they are know-it-alls. they make him feel stupid.

▼ - childhood headcanon

simba’s favorite thing when he was a kid was when everyone would get together and dance. this could be just him and his mom and dad; or him and nala and their other friends; or whole groups of people together. he just lovesss dancing.

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

simba will be the cutest old man omg. he’ll still love babies so much whenever someone in the family has a baby he’s that grandpa that is just so cute and wants to touch their little heads and give little kisses and give all sorts of life advice to the parents (unsolicited.)

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

food is a big, important thing to simba because it symbolizes family and bounty. he’s used to just having huge meal celebrations with his family and whenever he eats he hates to do it alone, he’ll go wandering around with his plate until he can find someone to bother while he eats.

☼ - appearance headcanon

simba is a surprisingly snazzy dresser. his mother has an eye for fashion, and tbh so does simba. he loves colors, he rarely wears jeans because he much prefers colored trousers. he has all sorts of fun shoes and shirts and ties and he wears colorful bracelets sometimes too, and occasionally cloth or beaded necklaces from kenya. now he has his dad’s watch that he wears sometimes, though not always.

ൠ - random headcanon

now that things are better, sarabi was finally able to give simba everything that was left to him by his father in the will--including a few quilts his grandmother made, his father’s watch and a few other pieces of jewelry, and, most importantly, his father’s wedding ring (sarabi gave him her wedding band too, though she kept the engagement ring to continue wearing.)

#asks #headcanons #this took for fucking EVER

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dandelliongirl · 7 years

Text

Summer adventures

and money troubles.

It’s been almost two weeks. I completely lost track of time, and our summer course students have taken up a few of my evenings.☼

So on Sunday the 2nd of July me and my guy went to visit my cousins. We had a fun day shopping and eating fast food, and playing video games in the evening. We played a bit of ARMS, BoTW and Mario Kart on the Switch, and I got to play Rise of the Tomb Raider. I managed to get a game braking bug in the Baba Yaga DLC where the final boss fight never triggered, and we spent an hour or so trying to figure out how to go forward before reloading and triggering the fight. Lol. We also played Mario Galaxy on the Wii. In the evening we went to the sauna, grilled some sausages and watched Megamind on Netflix. We went to bed at around 2am.

I woke up around 10am and played a bit of ACNL while waiting for the rest of the people to wake up. We had breakfast, continued playing some video games and had lunch before driving back home. My guy dropped me off at the uni library and I very quickly skimmed through a book for my thesis before the libaray closed. I also borrowed a bunch of books with games to play with my dance students so that I’m going to be prepared come September.

On Tuesday I went to the office to work on some stuff for next autumn. Then I came back to the apartment to feed the bunny and dad picked me up for the welcoming evening of our summer course students. It went pretty well, they all got to cook some dinner and bake a little together. I was out of there at around 8, and had a nice evening with my guy. On Wednesday I went to study Japanese with my friend, then did some further JLPT rehearsal and went to ballet class. We had a Skype meeting in the evening, but our internet connection was so bad we couldn’t hear anything. I made a decision to leave our little convention group for good since it only caused me anxiety, and I’m already feeling a lot less stressed. My standards are way too high for such a casual group of friends goofing around and it’s just not worth it to come to hate everyone because they don’t want to do stuff that I feel like should be done to keep us relevant and our content good quality. So I quit our FB group and page on Thursday. The entire day was basically spent fighting with my guy and my friend. In the evening our intensive course had a sauna evening, during which some squirrels chewed through our juice boxes, we locked ourselves out and had to drive to get a spare key and lost one student who went to the wrong location with the same name. A lot happened and it was a long long evening (6,5 hours of work) but it went pretty well nevertheless.

On Friday my guy’s sister visited to clip her bunny’s nails, bring him some more food and sawdust for the cage and say goodbye before she left for Belgium. Me, my dad and my friend visited an international food market in the harbor since it was a nice and hot summer day, and then I went to try and organize my new internet connection. Turns out that after going to the store and being directed to a customer service desk further away, from which I was directed back to the store again, I eventually needed to order the damn thing online anyway, and I still didn’t get to cancel my previous subscription. I’ll have to pop in to the store for another visit next Monday once I make sure that the new internet connection works.

Me and my friend spent Friday afternoon putting our dance teaching timetable in place for next year and recruiting teachers. We got the timetable done, and my friend bought us pizza. One of my new favourites might be pizza with aubergine, onion rings and sundried tomatoes. Me and my friend spent the entire evening marathoning ME3, and continued it basically all through Saturday.

On Sunday I took our summer course students to a viewing tower, and for a museum trip. It was quite stressful but turns out that I got compliments from my guiding abilities and that people made specific mentions about how they liked me pointing out stuff to them. I always feel so bad after stuff like that because I feel like I wasn’t good enough and I should’ve been more social and should’ve talked to people more and pointed more stuff out to them but that’s just me being insecure.

On Monday I made my new internet service subscription online, worked on my MA thesis and did some JLPT drills. Then I went to the office to send an email (which I had to send on Tuesday because our website was down anyway). We had a bit of a crisis because I was supposed to take the summer course students to play baseball, but our teachers bailed on us so we kept frantically calling up everyone we could think of. Eventually we got a pro to come in and help us so luckily I didn’t have to learn baseball rules in an hour. Again it was a nice and sunny evening, and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. I blamed myself again afterwards but I hope the students had fun and learned new skills. I walked back to the center with a few people, and in the evening my friend came over for a bit of ME3. She’s almost at endgame!

On Tuesday I continued thesis work. I’m saving pamphlets from ECCO and I have 161 pages of search results to filter through so I’m trying to get as much of it done as possible this week. My friend came over to play ACNL and went for a haircut, during which I ate, finished thesis work, did a bit of Pilates and some JLPT drills. Then she came back over for an hour or so. Mum picked me up and dropped her off. We went to buy food since granny gave me 20€ so I could finally go buy some more oatmeal, baby food and frozen pizzas. I haven’t bought anything apart from a baguette in a month in order to save money and survive until my next paycheck and student grants. I just paid my phone bill and water bill, and it looks like I won’t be getting my housing grant soon enough for next month’s housing bills so I’m really scraping by. I turned in my housing grant application today but it’ll probably take them at least a month to go through it, and it might be that I don’t get any money anyway so I’ll just have to see. My guy’s exchange year screws everything up because he won’t be paying rent to my mum anymore and I have to cover both of our expenses. I’ll just have to eat at my parents’ a lot and buy oatmeal. Anyway after my minimal 12€ grocery shopping me and mum went home to eat something, and we took a walk in the pouring rain with our umbrellas. It was such a nice and warm summer rain, and the streets were emptied of all people. A magical walk around my neighborhood.

This morning I went to study Japanese again. The rainy and stifling almost-thunderstorm-but-not-quite -weather continues, and we had a hard time finishing our grammar revision. I came back to fill in my housing grant application and eat some lunch. Then I left for ballet class. I also picked up my new modem from the post office. After ballet I took a quick shower, ate something and now I’m blogging. I also hung out with the bunny for a while. I was thinking I might clean the toilet today so that I’d only have dusting and vacuuming left for Friday. Going bouldering with the summer course students tomorrow, and working on my thesis & JLPT before that.

We have a convention next weekend. My cousins were supposed to come with us but since the other twin isn’t interested the other doesn’t want to go either. It’s likely that neither of them are coming, which would be nice because I could spend the weekend with my guy. I don’t mind my cousin(s) tagging along either so both options are nice. Right now it seems more likely that my cousins aren’t coming.

I wish for relief to my money worries and to be able to stop stressing about my next meal. I also hope that my MA thesis turns out allright. Right now I feel like I won’t be staying at the university after graduating. I just want to get a job and rid myself of living off of social security and grants. I want to make my own living and be free of this stress. We’ll see how that changes though, but right now I feel like getting a job simply because I don’t want to worry about money and I want to eat actual food.

#personal #diary #July2017

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