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star-girl69 · 3 months

Text

Your Girl

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!Demigod!Reader

—-

synopsis: late at night, you and clarisse get to know one another.

a/n: ykw i dont even know what i write anymore just enjoy it i truly just listen to the wind oh my god

Your Girl - Lana Del Rey (Unreleased)

warnings: im sorry im obsessed w the nightmare trope, friends to lovers MEYOW, HURT COMFORT, clarisse just wants to KISS, light tension, very light and fluffy tho…. not a lot of angst tbh, POSSESSIVE CLARISSE I SCREAMED, mutual pining YESSSSS, they’re in love but they don’t think the other could be in love w them, clarisse knows what she wants and sets out to get it, monsters- again it’s a drakon bc i’m evil, mentions of death, swearing, mentions of weapons, weed and smoking, substance abuse idk if it’s addiction my health teacher would be so disappointed, shotgunning weed, idk what’s happening honestly we’re all along for the ride, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

You don’t know where Clarisse gets it from, but she has good weed.

They’re these perfectly little rolled blunts, with some sort of amazing concoction inside- you can’t even be bothered to care that it’s bad for you. Not when it makes you feel so good, not when it makes everything else fade away.

So, that’s why you’re here now. Sitting in the woods, leaning against a rock covered in moss, staring up at the stars. Sometimes you talk, sometimes you’re just here next to each other. But tonight, you think you took one too many hits, so you’re feeling a little sentimental.

“I would fucking die without you, Clarisse.”

She snorts. “Yeah, probably.”

“No, no, not just like- because you’re so strong, and stuff, but because of this fucking weed. I can’t sleep without it, y’know.”

She hums.

“And, like, you need sleep to live, or else your brain will like eat itself, or something ridiculous. Did you know that?”

She looks at you, mouth curved into an unimpressed smile, eyebrows raised. “I didn’t, and I care so much. Thanks for telling me, leech.”

“That’s mean,” you huff.

“Then stop leeching off of me and stealing my weed.”

Clarisse always looks so pretty in the moonlight. You would never admit that to anyone, but in the dark when your head is all hazy- you know she’s pretty. She’s beautiful, if you’re being honest, but she’s also your dealer- you can’t risk upsetting her. But still, sometimes you’re not sure how she isn’t a daughter of Aphrodite.

But you know better than anyone else that she gets everything from Ares, like she’s a carbon copy of him.

She gets her precision, her strength, her tactical mind, her rolling storm of emotions from him.

Except, there’s a softness in her. Only here, in the moonlight. You don’t know if it’s you or the weed, but you like to think it’s you. You like to think that Clarisse likes you as much as you like her, not just tolerates you for your mediocre company.

She’s sitting with one foot planted onto the ground, hair pulled back all messy, her arm balancing on her knee. The joint is held out conveniently towards you, lazily in between her fingers, so you flip yourself onto your stomach and reach out with open lips.

She smiles and flips the joint around, placing it onto your lips. Your close your eyes and your mouth, breathing in deeply. Gods, does it taste horrible, but you love it too much.

You pull back and breathe out the smoke.

“You love me, and my weed-stealing tendencies.”

“Uh, yeah, okay,” she rolls her eyes.

—-

Clarisse probably trains more than any other demigod at camp. Thirty minutes after dinner, like clockwork, you can find her heading to the field where all the sparring dummies live.

Clarisse is probably your only true friend at camp. You stick to yourself for the most part, hang out with your siblings, but besides for that it’s Clarisse. And she’s the same way. She hangs out with her siblings, and then you. Of course- everyone at Camp knows her name and her ruthless reputation.

You’re unknown, she’s known. She’s the best fighter you’ve ever seen, you’re mediocre, compared to her. She helps you at every turn, you’re the one getting helped by her. She’s mean to everyone, and you’re kind to whoever happens upon you.

You force each other to bring out the other sides of yourself no one gets to see. Clarisse gets to be soft, you get to be loud and annoying. You’re friends, but you both get something out of it.

She’s your friend, your dealer, your savior.

If the first day you came to camp, running through the woods with a drakon hot on your heels and your mouth split open into a scream- maybe Clarisse and her siblings wouldn’t have turned around and noticed the drakon.

Of course, Clarisse was the one who actually killed it, and she was the one who hoisted you up from where you had collapsed, breathing heavily. She was the one who actually made sure you weren’t hurt while your satyr protector panicked about having to face the Cloven Council.

She was the one who found you in the middle of the night, that drakon hissing in your ear, she was the one who gave you the claw she had pried from it’s dead body, she was the one who told you it was dead and nothing could hurt you in Camp.

“Clarisse!” you call, running towards her. Most campers like to wind down after dinner, so the field is empty.

“Leech,” she says when you reach her, leaning her spear against a dummy and stretching her arms above her head.

You always come everyday. You ask her the same question.

“Do you have it?”

She digs under her armor, pulling out the small cloth containing the blunt. “You would probably go insane if I didn’t.”

You feel calmer just looking at it. You smile sheepishly up at her.

“You know I can’t sleep without it, Clarisse.”

She looks away, stuffing it back under her armor, against her stomach.

“Maybe you should try and skip one night.”

You scoff. “I don’t feel like pulling an all-nighter, Clarisse.”

She nods, but her face is riddled with concern. “Okay, angel,” she mutters, so low you can barely hear it. But you do. You hear her call you angel, and you turn away instead of slamming your lips into hers.

—-

After that first night, you slept with that claw tight into your hand. And it was fine. You still had the occasional nightmare, but every demigod had those. But the older you got, the more monsters you learned about, the more comfortable you got with being a demigod- the more the nightmares came. Knowing the drakon was dead didn’t help, and the nightmares got worse and worse until Clarisse found you again one night.

You had drifted apart from her. She had her life and you had hers, but ever since you’ve been bonded by the nights.

She wrapped her arms around you and let you cry, mumbling about how she was the strongest demigod at camp, and there was the barrier, and nothing would ever get through to you.

She was soft in that moment. And you could tell she regretted it, because she ignored you for the next few days until one of her siblings pushed you to the ground. She appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his shirt, yelling that if he ever touched you again, she’d fucking kill him.

While he sputtered and asked why she cared about some stupid weak girl, she helped you up and said: “She’s my girl.”

And since that day 3 months ago, you’ve always been her girl. Neither of you really knew what that meant, except you liked being around each other and you liked this transaction. Clarisse liked owning something. You liked belonging to someone.

That’s what this entire friendship is about- convenience.

So, that’s why Clarisse being concerned about you makes you feel weird. You care about Clarisse, she cares about you- but only enough that she doesn’t want to see you hurt by someone else. But who is she to stop you when you’re the one hurting yourself?

You arrive at the rock in the forest, fingers twisting together. Clarisse is already there, lighter and blunt set out on the ground, polishing her spear.

“Hey,” she says, looking down.

“Hi.”

You sit down, eager to get your hands on the weed and forget about the way Clarisse’s concern confuses you.

You stare at your shaking hand.

Gods, are you really that nervous?

Clarisse’s eyes are sharp, she notices everything, she processes it much faster than you can ever dream to. It’s why she’s so quick in battle. She’s a well oiled machine and you’re the one job she’s assigned to do- she knows you by heart after all these nights.

Her spear is pushed off her lap. “Why are you shaking?” she says, voice low and raspy, her hand cupping yours.

“Low blood sugar,” you lie. “I’ll grab a snack before I go to bed.”

She says nothing, but you watch her hesitate as she grabs the blunt and the lighter from the ground, you watch her hesitate again as she goes to light it. But she lights it, she sticks it in between her fingers and holds it out to you.

“C’mere,” she mutters, and you lean forward and let her place the blunt on your parted lips. You breathe in, only for a few seconds, and you could go for a lot longer.

“I wasn’t done,” you huff as she takes her own drag.

“My weed,” she shrugs. “I decide how much you get.”

“You’re a bitch.”

She laughs. She laughs and it makes your stomach twist in such a good way you can’t feel like this anymore, you can’t remember what she does to you, what she called you.

You reach out blindly for the blunt, biting your lip as you practically climb on top of her.

“Clarisse!” you yell, but she seems to find your desperation hilarious, holding the blunt out as far as she can. “I fucking hate you, oh my Gods.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” she says, pushing you off of her. You realize you’re laying on your stomach in between her legs, one hand planted to the ground around her leg, the other reaching out.

She leans back and takes another drag. You roll your eyes and move to attack her, but she’s too fast, sitting up and holding your hand down, her other hand grabbing your chin. She breathes out the smoke right into your lips that are parted in shock, smiling as you stare right into her amused eyes.

She leans back while you sit there stupidly on top of her, blowing out the smoke. “That- that’s- I hate you, did I mention that?”

“You did,” she muses. “But we both know you’re lying.”

You look at her, at her wide smile, at the look in her eyes. You want nothing more than to be her girl- her girl in the way that she’ll kiss your head, tell you about all the things you’ll never do, she’ll lay down with you in a bed of soft pillows. Her girl in the way the reason she’s soft in the moonlight isn’t the weed, it’s because of you. Her girl in the way you can run to her, the way you do now, but with the added connotation of love.

You grab the joint, and she lets you, watching intently as you breathe in and blow out the smoke. She has no right to be worried over you. Not when you’re the one making the choice to waste away your youth. And especially when you’re not her girl- not in the way you want to be.

—-

“I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come,” she hums.

You sit back against the rock. Normally, you would have been here 20 minutes ago.

You didn’t catch her after dinner, and you stayed firmly in your bed until it all got to be too much. You’re terrified of sleeping, of the nightmares that will come- but for some reason, the weed just puts you at such ease that you don’t have any nightmares.

You didn’t want to be near Clarisse tonight. Not after yesterday, not after the way she’s been making you feel, and the fact that you know she could never really like you. Why would she? You are the stupid weak girl who gets pushed over. You run from drakon’s and can’t even sleep because of nightmares.

Clarisse is fiercely protective of those she loves, but you’re too much work.

You wanted to go one night. One night without the weed, and prove to her and yourself that you don’t need it. You’re not that weak.

But you couldn’t.

You sit down, she looks at your tense shoulders and doesn’t tease you, just hands you the blunt. You mumble something of a thank you, looking up at the stars, shoulders relaxing after a few more breaths.

“I, uh, I tried to skip. Tonight, I mean. I tried not to come.” It’s embarrassing to admit this. You’re so scared of the nightmares that even if it’s a placebo effect, you come back to this clearing every night.

“But you couldn’t?” she asks.

“I couldn’t,” you affirm, staring at the ground.

“Well, you can’t just go cold turkey, dummy. You have to wean yourself off of it. Do you not remember, like, any of those nicotine patch ads?” she laughs. “You’ve got a good memory, you remember.”

“Shut up, meanie,” you mumble, raising the joint to your lips. She stops you.

“Ah-ah. Starts now. Make it a good one, ‘cause that’s your last, baby.”

“Fine,” you mumble, ignoring the butterflies in your stomach. You breathe in for a long time, tempted to go a little longer, but Clarisse reaches over and pinches your cheek. “Okay!” you yell, throwing the joint back to her.

She laughs and raises it to her own lips, taking in another long drag before putting it out.

You look at her, silent question in the air. She shrugs.

“Been meaning to slow down for a while, why not do it together?”

“Yeah,” you hum, looking back towards the stars. “Oh, hey, Ares is out tonight.” She looks over.

“Yeah,” she muses. “Fuckin’ Ares.”

“It’s still beautiful,” you say, stars in your eyes. “You have to think about it the way mortals do. They don’t know the Gods put them up there- they think it’s just some random spotting of stars, they think they made patterns out of it. Isn’t that beautiful? To make patterns and people out of stars? To look for humanity where there is none?”

“I never thought about it like that,” Clarisse says.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” you ask. You can feel her eyes on you.

“Yeah,” she affirms. “Beautiful.”

—-

The next two weeks goes by the same. You don’t catch Clarisse after dinner, but you come every night, you smoke a little less, she teases you and gets closer to you. She gets bolder and bolder and you get shyer and shyer.

You still feel like too much. If she just lets you prove this to her and to yourself, the maybe you can lean against the rock with her and flirt back.

—-

You meet Clarisse by the rock. She’s still standing, waiting for you. She takes the last of the blunt you’ve been using for the last few days and lights it, taking one small drag before she flips it around and holds it out to you.

“C’mon,” she guides. “Not too much, I’ll stop you.”

You feel kind of like a baby as Clarisse puts the joint on her lips, fingertips against your face to steady her hand. You breathe in for just a second, tempted for more, but she takes it away. You look up at her, fingers twisted together.

“Clarisse, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

She leaves the blunt to blow out in the wind in the natural dip of the rock, your own little ashtray at the top. Of course, Clarisse will come and collect it the next morning- you don’t want to upset the nymphs and satyrs in the forest.

“It’s a good idea,” she affirms. “Don’t worry, okay?”

You’re scared. You remember being chased by the drakon even now, you remember it’s snarls, you remember it’s claws moving through the air. You remember your heart pumping in your ears, you remember the stones in your stomach that were supposed to be fear.

You feel like Kronos, but what you swallowed wouldn’t just sit idly inside of you- no, your fear would rip through your stomach and your skin and burst out of you in an explosion of blood, like some sick joke of a firework.

She grabs your wrists. Clarisse is soft, here, in the moonlight.

“Hey, it’s okay. I-I was thinking, I didn’t know if you were gonna be okay, but why don’t you sleep in my cabin?”

You shift on your feet. “Clar, no, I can’t ask you to do that. What if we get caught? And I-I- it’s embarrassing, what if your siblings see? What if they tell everyone?”

Clarisse rolls her eyes and tugs you closer from where you had subconsciously started to drift away.

“They already think we’re dating, anyways. Besides, Y/N, no one cares. Most of my siblings have secrets anyways,” she smiles.

“Wh- we’re dating? They think- why?”

Her face is deadpan. “‘Cause you’re my girl.”

You pull back. “Clarisse.”

“What?” she says, slightly incredulous. “You are. You’re about the only person I can tolerate at this camp. I hope you know that. I know I can be horrible, but really, I… care about you a lot.”

You look in her eyes. There’s no lies, no insincerity.

“I know, Clarisse. And I… I appreciate it so much. You’re, like, my only friend,” you smile.

She smiles back but it’s tight. “Friend, yeah.”

You put your arms around her neck and hug her. It’s the first time you’ve ever really hugged her, and her arms wrap tight around your waist. Her mouth presses against your hair. You let yourself be her girl in this moment.

Clarisse is your best friend. She cares about you. Of course she helps you with this. She’s your best friend. Of course you let her.

—-

You do follow Clarisse back to the Ares cabin, back to her bed- and she points to one of her siblings you can’t see in the dark, but there are two figures in the bed. She smiles and you stifle a laugh.

You know better than anyone else that big bad Ares kids are like a marshmallow on the inside. They act all tough, and they are pretty tough, but there’s a soft spot inside of them only unlocked by one person with the right key.

You notice her sibling has their arm around the other person. You wonder if Clarisse will wrap her arm around you like that too.

Clarisse climbs into her bed, opening the covers for you. The beds at Camp are twin sized, but you can fit two people on them if you’re close together. You don’t hesitate, not anymore, not when you have one chance to pretend you’re really hers.

You lay on your side, facing her, hands tucked up by your chest. Her eyes meet yours, she brushes her curls out of her face.

“Good?” she asks. You nod, breathing out.

“‘M fine,” you say.

She rubs your arm, cold from the dark night. “Just relax, okay? Just close your eyes, Y/N.”

You do, you close your eyes, but you’re so fucking terrified you can’t.

“Clarisse,” you breathe, a plead. For what, you don’t know. You want a million things from her in this moment. It’s not fair of you to ask her, you know this, but it doesn’t stop you from asking.

Your breath comes fast, your nails dig into your palms, but you keep your eyes screwed shut like sleep will just magically hit you like a train.

“It’s okay,” Clarisse says, firm. “Why are you so scared?” she whispers.

“They’re so real,” you whisper, your voice breaking.

“They’re not.”

She wraps her arms around you so tight you feel like she’s crushing you. But it keeps you in the moment. If you focus on the way her skin feels against yours, on the way her thumb brushes your shoulder blade, her fingertips scratching the back of your scalp.

If you focus, if you imagine all the thing you and her will never do, if you imagine being her girl, then you can fall asleep.

You dream of her lips pressing against your head, her voice in your ear, calling you her angel.

—-

You wake up, Clarisse still wrapped around you, and slowly detangle yourself. Drool pools at the corner of her lips, and you have to bite back a giggle as you slip out of the blankets and into the warm riding sun.

She looks just as pretty in the sunlight as she does in the moonlight. You feel like a lover slipping out of a bed of secrets. But you’re not. You’re just a friend slipping out of a bed of rumors.

She looks so peaceful, you can’t help but wonder if she always sleeps like this- or if having you next to her had the same effect on her sleep as it did to yours.

—-

There’s a loud knock at your cabin door.

There’s only you and a few of your siblings in here, putting the final touches on their outfits for the day, grabbing the last items they need. One of your younger siblings open the door, and you look around the pillars- maybe it’s a counselor doing some sort of inspection? You take a glance around your bunk- but it’s all clean.

Your eyes meet hers.

“Out,” she says, roughly. She looks at you so intently you almost wonder if she’s talking to you. But when you siblings stand there in shock, she looks away. “Well? I said get out, dummies.”

They exchange looks with you, but eventually shuffle out, not wanting to risk Clarisse and her wrath.

She shuts the door behind your last sibling.

“Being tough has it perks, huh?” she smiles, leaning against the door. Your shirt isn’t even pulled on properly, one of your bra straps is already falling down your shoulder from the act of putting your shirt on, and you’re staring at her with your mouth wide open.

She looks you up and down.

“C-Clarisse, what-?”

She walks over to you, frown etched onto her face.

“I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“Oh,” you say. “I… I thought you would have wanted me gone-”

“Don’t care. If you’re going to sleep with me then you need to wake me up and tell me you’re leaving.”

She rolls her eyes at your confusion. She sits on your bed and then gestures animatedly for you to sit down.

“Did you not sleep well?” she fusses. “What’s up with you this morning?”

“I slept great, Clarisse, it’s just- why are you here?”

“To tell you that you can’t leave,” she deadpans. “I mean, you spend all night shaking in my arms, terrified, and then I wake up and you’re not there? I almost killed someone. You’re lucky I decided to check here first, Y/N.”

She laughs. She laughs like it’s so funny.

“Why?” you ask.

“‘Cause you’re my girl,” she shrugs. “And-”

“Clarisse, what does that mean?”

You know what you want. And you’re not dumb, but you’re the only friend Clarisse really has- what did you have to compare it to? You’ve been thinking about it in your head, rolling it around like a diamond- each side reflects something you want from her. Her love, her protection, her touch, her time, her.

She plays with her fingers. “It means… I like touching you. I like protecting you. I like being near you. I like your voice and your face.”

She stares at you blankly, like she’s recounting a grocery list, waiting for an affirmative “yes, I heard you.” But all you can do is stare in shock, trying to make your brain catch up with your heart- Clarisse likes your face. Clarisse feels the same way you do. You can be her girl, and you’re not too much for her, you’re not just friends.

“Oh, fuck it,” she mumbles. She places her hand on your face and pecks your lips. “That’s what it means, okay? I’m, like, embarrassingly in love with you, if you haven’t noticed.”

Clarisse is so blunt and forward it makes your head spin.

She stares into your eyes, searching them for something other than shock and confusion.

“Okay,” she says. Shuffling back. You can tell she’s hurt and embarrassed, but her face reveals nothing other than faux confidence and indifference. “I’ll go, I guess-”

“Bitch,” you mumble, slamming your lips onto hers.

It feels so overwhelmingly right and fills you with such a calmness that weed could never compare to. If you were dependent on the joints, then one taste and you’re addicted to Clarisse. She kisses you back with just as much ferocity, throwing your arms around her neck, trying to swallow you whole with her mouth as she grabs your neck with one hand, your face with the other.

It’s months of tension and wanting, lips touching through the passing of a joint, all of it coming down to this moment that feels so bad, so sinful- surely the Gods must frown upon loving someone this much. You would never pray to any of them again if it meant Clarisse would keep kissing you like this.

When she finally pulls back, you’re both smiling wide, leaning into her palm, hands playing with the curls at the base of her neck. You feel like a giddy school girl. You feel like a lover discovering something wildly new and unknown, promising to keep it secret, sealing it with a kiss of pure fire.

“That was such a mean way to confess to someone,” you say. “Just bitchy. Brass and blunt- harsh, even.”

“Shut up,” she mumbles, pressing her face against yours.

“Yeah, it’s okay. I know you’re a big softie who drools in her sleep.” She pulls away and glares at you.

“I don’t fucking drool, Y/N. You’re seeing things.”

You fake frown, bringing her closer to you. “Such a horrible thing to say to your girlfriend.”

“My girlfriend?” she breathes, swollen lips parting like she’s aching to kiss you again.

“Your girlfriend,” you affirm, staring straight into her eyes.

You sunk more into becoming a demigod and all it got you was nightmares and a fear of sleeping. But the more you sunk into being her girl, the more you sunk into loving her and being loved.

You don’t know where Clarisse gets her softness from. Certainly not from her father. She didn’t learn to kiss your head from him. She didn’t learn how to hold you, how to call you hers, how to whisper in your ear from Ares.

You don’t know where Clarisse gets her softness from, but it’s good.

—-

SHOUTOUT TO clarisse “cause you’re my girl” la rue LOVE YOUR POSSESSIVE ASS!!!!!!!!

—-

clarisse when y/n smokes weed: oh so pretty……

clarisse when y/n can only fall asleep bc of her arms or her weed: my girl fr……..

clarisse when y/n: oh my wonderful perfect angel

—-

y/n: BITCH

clarisse: YOURE SO HOT FUCK

—-

where did clarisse get her weed from you may ask? me that’s where she got it from i ripped through the fabric of reality to give it to her to make this happen actually and you’re welcome

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish

@sincerely-silk

#clarisse la rue #clarisse la rue x reader #clarisse la rue x y/n #clarisse la rue x you #pjo tv show #pjo x reader

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arinavah · 1 year

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hi arina! how are u doing? i've read your life update before about how you may not be able to do art stuffs due to life circumstances, seeing you open your shop now really brightens my heart! i'm also an artist in a kind of tough situation where i dont have much choice and might have to give up drawing or have difficulty continuing. im wondering how you got thru it? your art updates give me strength and hope! but if u dont feel like sharing, i totally understand. hoping you best and thank you!!

I'm sorry I'm answering this so late, talking about my current life always ruins my mood. (this will be a long whining post, I'm very upset right now so I need to speak out)

Probably we are in different situations, unlike you, drawing is the only thing I can do now. I've mentioned here before that my grandma had a stroke this summer, my parents live in another city, they come here from time to time. Me and grandma live in Moscow, sooooo, generally, disabled grandma is MY responsibility most of the time. Even though she's making some slow progress in recovering, she's still mostly bed ridden, she can't take care of herself, she can't get up from the bed without help, she barely walks, etc., etc. So we can't leave her alone, and taking care about such helpless person, 24/7 IS HARD. She can wake us up several times at night to go to toilet or whatever, during the day she always wants something and we have to serve her, it really exhaustes me. (I half jokingly say that I unexpectedly became mother of 76 y.o. child, but I've always been child-free, so guess what I'm feeling right now)

Good news: I have some time to draw. To be honest drawing is the only sphere of my life I still can control, it's the only thing bringing me joy. And thankfully some people buy my merch so I can earn some money even in these circumstanses.

Bad news: I lost all freedom I'd had, I can't go anywhere without hiring nurse, I have much less time for work and drawing, I can't properly relax after long day, in fact I can NEVER relax, I can't meet with friends, I can't travel, I have to cancel work trips. Even simple mandane things became very difficult and even impossible because of all these restrictions. I can't find proper words to describe how those restrictions of my freedom make me depressed and devastated, right now my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I cry almost every day, I became hysterical and agressive, I hate my life so much, that the mere thought of spending the rest of my youth living my family's life, not MY OWN LIFE makes me want to kms. At the moment I control nothing in my life, I can't decide where to live, what to do, where to go, absolutely nothing. Probably I will never find a partner, because dating in these life contitions is impossible. Probably I will die alone without any love and friends. Maybe my only destiny is to take care of disabled person.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my life's ended, that I won't have any freedom and any new people around me till she passes away or till one of my parents will take full charge of taking care of her (it will happen in 5 years or so, they have work to finish in another city).

I spend my days solving my family's problems, my grandma's health problems, selling some merch to earn money and drawing some silly things just to ✨feel something✨. So me being able to draw something in difficult circumstanses is not some heroic thing, I'm not overcoming myself to make art desprite everything, what I'm doing is just...escapism... I want to get lost in my little drawings or in little stories for some time to forget about everything bothering me. Honestly, I'm very happy that I haven't lost ability to draw after everything happened to me this year.

Guys.... sorry for whining, but 2022 ruined my mental state completely... Political situation (fucking Russia 💀💀💀), family situation, I just feel so much hatered for this world, for this universe where none of my dreams will ever come true, where I control nothing, where I have to live someone else's life, where I have no freedom, where I have to be silent, where I have to look at my government's crimes and be silent, where I can't plan anything, where I can't love who I want (yesterday they accepted "lgbt propaganda" ban law), where I have to live the rest of my life in the country I hate, with a government I hate, isolated, lonely, constricted, attached to disabled person.

My parents keep telling me it's temporary, they don't want me to be a nurse for the rest of my life, everything is gonna be okay, they will solve everything. I don't believe them. Maybe I'm overdramatising, maybe if I get a therapy I'll feel better and less pessimistic about my future, but for now... I feel terrible. So, if drawing makes me feel a little bit better, then I'll continue to draw.

#Ask #Sorry for whining

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quodekash · 1 year

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i went to bed instead of watching abaab and i woke up and im ✨sick✨

its not the plague but i have a sore throat and im really congested and i feel like a dump truck ran over me and poured all the bin juices in my brain, but its fine cos im here, im queer, and threezo are near

CONTENT WARNING: if youve seen this episode, youll be aware that there will be discussions of rape, sexual assault, and pedophilia. if any of these topics are triggering for you, please take the measures you require to stay safe, and please call emergency services if you require help, and talk to someone you trust. remember: you are not alone, and there will always be people who love and care for you, but you havent yet met some of them. stay safe everyone, i love you

i cannot for the life of me remember how the last episode ended so its lucky that they have little summaries at the starts of episodes cos otherwise id have no clue whats going on

OH YEAH THOOP WAS ARRESTED

hang on, dont they still need to go to work?

i cant remember what day it is and what they were doing before cher got that phone call but still

dang it ive already had a cup of tea today but i think i need another one

THREEZO HELLO (ft jack's luscious hair on the side there)

THREEZO ARE SO SWEET WHY ARE YOUR FACES LIKE THAT JACK AND TUB

okay, yeah, fair

HE IS HAPPY

HIS HAIR IS FLUFFY AND HE IS HAPPY

GREHJKDFGKJRB

aww

AWWWHHHH

awhh thoop is cryinggg

bro is in desperate need of a hug

IM GONNA CRYYYY

i love deep platonic bonds

especially when its found family

fnjgbhfbvhfb

**gasp** despicable!

HELLO THREEZOOOOO

hes so prettyyyy

and hes also so prettyyyyyy

GJKRTBNFDHKJRG I LOVE THEM

am i crying? yes.

im crying a lot

i love threezo so much

the grip these two have on my mental health and sanity--

have i rewatched this scene four times? yeah. do i now kinda just wanna curl into a ball and sob for a day or two? yeah. unfortunately i have to keep watching the episode

okay so its literally like six hours later now, ive tried having two naps, ive had three cups of tea today, as much medicine as i can have, and the sickness has done nothing but get worse which is just so fun but the only reason i wasnt watching abaab is bc i was trying to sleep and that's just not happening so im continuing the episode now

the commentary is gonna be very little tho btw bc im having trouble making coherent thoughts through all the conjestion clogging my brain

the way they smile at each other is so 🥺🥹

im TRYING--

sorry, last week i couldnt stop talking about the freaking pomegranate i was eating, today i cant stop talking about how sick i am, ill try and shut up about it and just watch the episode lol

SCREW THAT GUY

VAFFANCULO

I HATE HIM

I HATE HIM SO MUCH

idk much about the mother

BUT THE STEPFATHER CAN GO SHOVE A PIGNA UP HIS CULO

look, i hate cops and law enforcement

but i even more hate thoop's stepfather

and law enforcement, unfortunately, have a lot of power, but thats fortunate in this situation bc they can force him to shut up which is nice

oh, wouldya look at that. i was right.

im not happy about it. its freaking horrible. and its even worse that it happens every day in every single country and state and city and suburb and yet nothing is being done about it.

um. yeah. thats all i can think of to say.

SHE HAD TO PUT UP WITH IT FOR THREE YEARS???

holy hell thats freaking disgusting

i hate this so much. not that they included this in the show, im really glad they included it because it's freaking disgusting and not talked about enough, especially in mainstream media and stuff. i just freaking hate that rape exists and people have to put up with it every single freaking day of their freaking lives, and NOTHING is happening to fix this freaking disgusting issue

this episode is a lot heavier than i was expecting and idk if anything im saying makes any sense because im too sick for this and the things that happened are making me even more sick

HUZZAH, I WAS RIGHT

AND THIS TIME ITS A GOOD FEELING THAT IM RIGHT

HES NOT HOMOPHOBIC

HUZZAH, HUZZAH, PRAISE OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JACK'S ALMIGHTY FLUFFY BEAUTIFUL HAIR

sobbing, i cant do this, theyre too sweet

AH SHOOT, I JUST REALISED IVE BARELY DRANK ANY WATER TODAY

as per usual, your hair is on fleek today, my friend

he's angry at laem, but his hair is perfection

the perfect way to get someone to shut up: shove food in their mouth as fast as possible (im using this at some point) (also how the hell is his hair so pretty i love his hair too much. i think i always spend more time talking about jack's hair than i do talking about the actual episode)

gun's mother has such a sweet sounding voice but her words sting like poison, jeez

OH HELL YES ITS THIS PART

IVE SEEN SCREENSHOTS

side note: look at three and zo's knees pressed together gjfngjbhfgbh

HEYYY GUYS

ITS SO FUNNY

WHAT ARE THEY DOING WATCHING SIMM

wait so. bad buddy exists as a series inside the msp universe. simm exists as a series inside the abaab universe. what's next??

the frame changed suddenly, kluen was looking down slightly earlier and now he's looking right in nuea's eyes (yes i had to include jack's hair in the screenshot, so what?)

side note: i love all of jack's ear piercings (and his hair) so much

(ive now used all my 30 photos for this post so you just have to deal with that. on the bright side, the final photo was of jack's beautiful face and beautiful earrings and beautiful HAIR)

i love this friend group so much, theyre all just sitting in a circle in their gaming chairs supporting cher as much as possible in their own little ways and its so sweet and so happy and gfbhbrhgb

ignore your bfs phone calls only to show up at his house with food

AWWW, THE WAY HE JUST PULLS HIM INTO A WORRIED HUG AS SOON AS HIS HANDS ARE EMPTY- I LOVE THEMMMM

"promise me no matter what happens, we will fight it together" RGHBKRDFHGKRBDFHB

AWWWW TEHY KISSSSS

"(talking to himself) if your mum knows about this, she will hit you to death, cher" "know about what?" "she gave me only one heart and i gave it all to you" "youre as cheesy as i am" IM DYING WHAT THE HELL THEYRE SO SWEET

BRO CHILL

CALM DOWN

I DONT NEED TO SEE THIS

I MEAN LIKE GOOD FOR THEM

BUT WHY DO WE NEED SUCH A LONG SHOT OF GUN'S BARE ABS

theyre so soft with each other what the hell

"i just want to hear it from your mouth-" AND CHER CUTS HIM OFF WITH THE SOFTEST KISS EVER??? (well, not ever. no one can ever kiss as softly or lovingly as freaking akk, but that's neither here nor there) THAT ONE TINY MOMENT IS GONNA PLAY IN MY HEAD FOR AGES NOW OMG

keep the pants on please guys

oh thank goodness they finished the episode before it got to that, i appreciate that

anyway THAT WAS SO SWEET GBFHGBFHBHG

im desperately hoping that next episode will be mostly fluffy happiness bc i cant take much more of this seriousness, especially not if my sickness persists (which i really hope it doesnt, id love to be functioning this week)

um yeah. that was that. i hope you enjoyed that? sorry for all my ramblings about being sick, i just really hate being sick.

once again, i hope youre all safe and healthy, if you're not, i hope you can find a safe space and people you trust, please contact someone who can help you if you need it. i love you all, have a great week :]

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androgynousmayflower · 2 days

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A Shower Ritual to get rid of Stale Energy

ingredients

green tea for cleansing and youthfulness

salt for purity , protection and cleansing

shampoo (or a co wash , or a scalp exfoliater) to cleanse your mind and remove negative/dirty thoughts and old energy

leave in conditioner (you can use regular conditioner if you can leave it in) to add positive energy

soap (or body exfoliater) to remove stale energy

enchanted hair brush/comb

floss to pluck out any excess negative thoughts about people and situations

saltwater to cleanse and purify your mouth + remove negative/mean language

toothpaste to banish negativity

cleanser (or toner) to wipe away your (unnecessarily) negative view on situations

sunscreen to add to your skin a barrier that prevents negativity from aborbing into you

body/nail moisturizer + lip balm to nourish and replenish your energy and prevent you from emotional burnout

eggshells to cleanse

flower petals

sunlight/moonlight to cleanse , hydrate and energize

a brain-healthy book (optional)

better to use eco friendly and natural ingredients. not just for your spiritual and physical health but for the environment , animals , plants and all living organisms currently suffering - including you and other people. you might not think the phenoxythenal is a big deal but you wouldn't like someone adding a drop of piss to your water just so they could have defined hair. DNI if you don't care abt the environment.

instructions

set up

brew your green tea and put it in a cup or bowl. now sprinkle salt in each corner of the shower. if you have any water friendly wards you can use them too. pour the tea on yourself in the shower (with the water off) when the temperature is right

cleansing

turn the water on and wet up a little and ofc turn it back off. when putting your shampoo onto your scalp , focus on relieving the tension in your head. let your mind be cleared ✨️. now scrub up with your soap and say your affirmations. when you turn the water back on to rinse all the soap and shampoo off , imagine stale and negative energy sliding off into the water.

raising vibrations

Get out the shower. put in your leave in conditioner and comb your hair with your magick brush. imagine the tangles are tough stubborn negative thoughts that are trying to embed themselves into your head. comb them all away.

manners

floss your teeth , imagining all the gunk is your bad mood and stuck thoughts. then rinse and gargle your mouth with saltwater (no more than 3 times a week pls). when you spit it out intend for all the unnecessarily mean stuff you say to be washed down the sink. brush your teeth to banish the negativity from coming back.

refreshed

use a cleanser or cleansing toner to refreshen your outlook on the world and to calm you down (witch hazel is great for this). then a moisturizing sunscreen to shield you from negativity trying to eat away at ya. finish up with your body moisturizer.

sprinkle crushed egg shells down the sink to rinse away any negativity left in the sink. lay flower petals on your head and heart to boost your vibrations and calm your mood. go sun/moon bathing to charge your energy up.

tips

Read a book that will exorcize your brain. don't put anything in your mouth , including water , after bruising your teeth (basic hygiene). use color witchcraft or color psychology to pick out your clothes. eat a healthy diet and raw fruits. meditate. don't use a moisturizer on your face; toners , cleansers and sunscreen can all be cleansing so dont waste your money. get rid of bad habits (including smoking and vaping , DNI if you support smoking; it's not your bodily autonomy if it actively hurts things around you 24/7.)

#witch #sustainable witchcraft #ecofriendly #spiritual cleansing #ritual #spells #green tea magick #banishing #meditation #energy cleansing #witchcraft #hygiene #floral magick

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cpunkwitch · 1 year

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how do i bring up with a doctor that i wanna look into medically transitioning, starting t and getting top surgery to be specific. i dont have a family doctor, so i'd likely have to get one and talk about all my conditions and current state of health before even bringing up that stuff and being trans

but how do you even bring it up? to people who've talked to doctors about being trans esp when it comes to getting gender affirming care, how did that go? how did you start that conversation? do you have any advice?

currently im just barely under my parents insurance rn and any/all resources i have to care at all is limited for me for many reasons but when i do get there i want to be prepared and know what im doing so i dont have a panic attack over coming out to someone esp a doctor. the only people in the medical field who know im trans are my former therapist and my family chiropractor+the other chiro staff who help me in phys rehab. my city isnt exactly entirely accepting and supportive so its very nerve wracking to talk about anything like that.

i dont see many stories about how trans people started talking to their doctors about taking that path, just stories about the process of that path and after, and i hear even less so from fellow canadians and disabled trans folk. so i wanna reach out and hear what i can from people who have something to share esp if it might help me

[ID: banner reading "This blog is protected by the De Rolo family and co." in all caps. It has an orange cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms and on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina]

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xbooklover26x · 1 year

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Things about me that probably no one will ever care to know

- I love reading cos it lets me escape for a while

- I'm obsessed with the characters and they mean a lot to me cos they're a constant, they're reliable and they cant hurt me

- every night I fall asleep to scenarios i make up in my head cos I dont think I'm ever going to experience the scenarios in real life so scenarios are the best I'm gonna get

- I still love teddies and stuff cos I dont think I get enough hugs in real life, so i go to them for hugs

- I love stray kids sm bcos the way they connect with their fans sm makes me feel loved and appreciated, ik its sad

- I've always been drawn to felix bcos his soul seems so pure and hes such a beautiful person that it gives me hope for people ig

- every night I have to have at least a few hours completely alone in my room or everything can feel a bit too much

- fandoms are my safe place bcos I dont feel judged when I'm in them

- I'm a hellenic polytheist or a hellenic pagan, I havent worked that part out yet

- I feel such a huge connection and pull to the greek deities and I respect them sm

- i dont have to convince myself I believe in them like I had to with the Christian god, i truly do just believe in them

- after I got confirmed I had about a week or so where I tried so hard to be a good Christian

- I stopped following christian beliefs when I realised I didnt understand why such a benevolent god would allow so much hatred and pain on the earth

- only about 5 people know about my religion, I hate it but I'm too scared to tell people bcos I think they'll think its stupid

- I have to have music playing if I'm doing everyday tasks, it helps me focus and enjoy what in doing

- my biggest bookshelf is organised by the first letter of the last name of the author bcos it's easy for me to navigate

- I'm secretly so proud of the way my bookshelves look, I tried pretty hard to make them look nice and they bring me a lot of happiness

- last time I counted, i had 417 books, i was so proud of my collection

- I have a lot of mental health problems, but I ignore them most of the time cos my friends are more important than me

- I create a different personality for basically everyone I meet bcos it's so important to me that people like me

- I've done it so much I'm not sure what my actual personality is

- I discovered I was pansexual after I decided I enjoyed 'I Kissed A Girl' too much and did some Google quizzes during lockdown

- I hadnt heard of pansexuality before but when I looked into it the label felt so right

- I spent my 16th birthday with 2 of the most important people to me, and I loved it

- I'm scared of trying to find a fashion style to wear bcos I'm worried I'm not thin enough to make outfits look good

- I love so passionately and strongly, and I'm scared no one will return that love but I'm also kinda proud of how much I can love ig

- crying gives me a headache and itchy eyes, so when I feel like crying I watch something ik will make me laugh

- after closing night of my first (and last) school show I cried the entire night

- I make myself laugh a lot more than I probably should

- I'll go through periods of not eating fruit then one day randomly eat a banana and remember how much I like them

- I'm bad at saving money but I wanna get better

- I have a strong attachment to the show All Of Us Are Dead bcos the characters feel familiar and real

- and the cast is really pretty

- when I love something I try to force it upon my friends, usually unsuccessfully

- I think nature cam be really pretty but I'm hardly in it cos it makes my hayfever bad

- I'm learning Korean and Greek bcos I think both are such beautiful languages and I like the challenge

- the day I realised I'd matured was when I felt more drawn to characters who would be good for me in a relationship situation, rather than ones who would be kinda toxic or too difficult

- I could talk about the things I love for hours (especially stray kids right now) but I hardly ever get the chance to

- I wrote all of this to see if it would make me feel better about me to be so truthful, and ig it did a bit

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lesbianmarrow · 2 years

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watched legends of tomorrow 5.13 “i am legends.” good episode. i personally really detest zombies so i was not thrilled that this was a zombie episode but i still thought it was really good. i feel like this episode hit a lot of common zombie movie tropes so i bet people who are fans of those movies really enjoyed the episode.

i feel like the overall theme of the episode was demonstrating how precious life is by contrasting it with senseless death. you see it both in the main storyline and also the side plot with gary and astra. i guess this is probably a common theme in zombie movies. so it’s cool how they used the zombie story conventions to explore this theme. and then i guess there’s also the trope of a person only understanding the preciousness of mortality after becoming immortal. so you sort of have that in this one since they became temporarily immortal. the main storyline had a lot of mushy romance stuff both with sara & ava and with zari & constantine and i think that worked really well in conjunction with the plot of them being hunted by zombies. that dire situation makes the emotional stuff feel even more poignant since the stakes are so high. the general team bonding stuff like them breaking out of the transport vehicle and them sitting around a table drinking together while waiting for the courier to charge was very nice for the same reason. these interpersonal connections are what matter - everything else is just to get us to the place where we can explore them.

i love how calm sara was about heading to her death. on the one hand you can read it as her having cheated death so many times and expecting to do so again but i think more than that she just knows there is no better way for her to go out than by sacrificing herself to save the rest of her team. ava’s reaction was so heartbreaking. i love how this show is able to tell this tragic wlw romance story in this episode but then have the characters come back to life in the next episode and it’s fine. the show gets to have its cake and eat it too. even though we know nobody is dead for real i thought the scene where they finally get overwhelmed by the zombies was very powerful, especially with the added tragedy of ava watching the woman she loves die in front of her. good stuff. also i thought it was so cute how sara & ava called each other co-captains. i firmly believe that sara and only sara should be the captain and ava can just be like her little companion or consort or what have you. but it was cute.

yay zari constantine romance :) you know i think constantine has a thing for being negged and thats why he likes zari so much (i am joking). when zari scolds him for smoking and shes like “ugh it’s so gross” but really she’s worried about his health....oh its so sweet. i guess the essential conflict between them is that zari has a strong will to change the world for the better and constantine believes such efforts are futile and he just wants to look out for himself and the people he cares for. because of these differing perspectives i dont think a romantic relationship between them would last long. but oh the sexual tension! it’s so cute how they both really care about each other and are kind of embarrassed and annoyed that they do. and then of course they have sex on the mission. zari and sara can start a club for people who had sex with constantine while on a mission. i liked when charlie realized what zari and constantine had been up to and we got to see her reaction, very fun.

return of gary’s BUNNY. when they said the bunny was having tummy problems it gave me secondhand anxiety bc tummy problems are no laughing matter for bunnies! the rabbit who plays gary’s rabbit is so gorgeous and so well-behaved! world’s most chillest bunny. i bet he rakes in the big bucks. ok i should probably talk about gary now instead of just his bunny. the stuff with him and gideon was absolutely bewildering to me. it was just like so bizarrely horny and i felt like i was watching something that was not meant for my eyes. it was nice to see human form gideon though. where gary really shines in this episode is when he’s talking to astra. asking her about her mom and the good memories she has of her....i found it so touching. because you know gary isn’t just saying it to save his own skin, he actually genuinely cares, because he’s gary. i think it was a very good choice to have astra and gary interacting, because astra is so doom and gloom and gary is so positive. even though they are so different he is able to get through to her! shows that astra isn’t as evil as she wants people to think. astra’s and gary’s deaths hit the right emotional beats for me. even though i know theyre not dead forever, seeing them both murdered still had an impact on me.

oh i also did want to mention when all the legends were saying how they would reshape their lives with the loom i thought most of their answers were pretty much what i would expect but when mick said he would go back to being a criminal i thought that was unexpected and fantastic. literally his life is so much better now and he’s kinder and happier but things were just simpler then so of course he misses it! but he knows he can never go back. very honest and powerful. sometimes you become nostalgic for bad times.

#legends of tomorrow #sara lance #ava sharpe #avalance #zari tarazi #legends constantine #gary green #astra logue #syl posts

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seatnights · 1 year

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HUGE TW : mental illness, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, thinking and emotions disorder, adhd, bdp, suicide mention, just rough stuff and emotion, negativity everywhere, so many insecurities (body, mental health…), venting SO MUCH. DONT READ IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH BODY ISSUES AND DARK THOUGHTS. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, THIS IS A BAD EXAMPLE.

don’t worry, it’s just some thoughts i needed to let go. this post is for me and for everyone who feels the same way. also, it was written at 3 am after a a bad and long day, probably during a mental breakdown, and my first language isn’t english so there’s going to be some grammar errors, everyone it’s warned.

to be heard and to be seen. everyone deserve a bit of it.

i just open tumblr and it’s filled with hate on co-star, possible girlfriend, people fic, other blogger deactivating and i just want to vent a bit honestly. it’s a whole mess.

i don’t feel safe here, i’ve never felt safe anywhere. there’s not even one fandom where i’ve felt understood and like i could say what i was thinking, and now it’s the same. i’m scared of saying anything. call me sensitive, i am. but why can’t I live like everyone else and still be sensitive? why do i have to change and become tough?

i’m always seen as the little one of the fandom (19, there’s 40s here) that doesn’t understand and it’s sensible and like, is it so bad?? the fact that i’m growing up and learning? i’m not stupid, just young. you don’t even know what i went and i’m going through.

i read everyday of how the actors i love are outspoken and just being MEN and loving skinny models and i hate the fact that this makes me insecure. it’s not like “i’m not pretty enough for him” because i don’t care, they don’t even know i exist. it’s the fact that i could be that person that they look in the street and say something bad about my look and body and make a joke to their friend. it’s the fact that i never go to comicon because what if they hate what they see? they’ll probably think i’m disgusting. i just want to feel pretty for them.

i just want to be acknowledged by them. to believe that they are thinking that i look good. i want their approval because i love them and i just want to feel good in my skin and feel pretty and i really wish someone would love me, physically and mentally, but i’m unlovable because i’m not pretty enough, smart enough, i’ll never be enough for anyone. i have to always try my best and fake smiles just to make up the fact that it’s me. but i’ll never be enough. and i hate the fact that i need their approval, because i shouldn’t need it, but i do. it feels like a necessity, like someone looking at me and acknowledging my existence and maybe think i’m good.

but i’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, old enough, outspoken enough. i’m just this weird little silly thing that is nice to everyone but i hate my self and i don’t even know who i am. too young to know what they want me to know, but i actually know too much.

and i like to fantasticate about fictional people who will love me for who i am but in reality no one loves me like that or will love me for my truest form. it’s just in my mind. it’s fake. no one will kiss me goodnight or ask my how my day was. no one care.

the actors that plays those fictional characters will probably dislike me. they’ll judge me for how i act, speak, look, say. not because they’re bad people but because they’re human and that’s what they do, say things about people. they’re just paid to be nice. there’s going to be someone who express their thoughts and rudely makes me feel bad, but for the ones who doesn’t express their thoughts: i know what they’re thinking about me in that moment (ex. when meeting at comicon) and i know in their head there’s some jokes and comment about my body, face, appearance, pronunciation, intelligence and whatever. and i wish with my whole soul that i could do and be so good that their thought would be only good one: she’s pretty, intelligent, seems cool.

but they’re not thinking that. they probably hate me. i’m just a stupid little teenager for them, mentally ill and inferior. it doesn’t matter how much time i invest in looking good or in studying what others people are interested about. i’ll always feel inferior.

oh and, i’ll just be one of the thousand fans for them, like it should be. and they’re my source of happiness but it doesn’t matter to them and it never will. i’m nothing to them. they’ll look at me and just think/say “she’s just a lil kid, doesn’t even know what she’s talking about” “why is she here, not even good enough for instagram photoshops”.

i really hope that they aren’t those type of person but i don’t have no idea. WE don’t have no idea, we don’t know them at all, it’s all a facade. what if???

i guess it doesn’t matter. i’ll never be one of the pretty girls you see on tv or just on the street, i’ll never find someone who’ll love me for who i am. i’ll always be inferior to everyone, and i should do better for them. i have to do better. i’m already alone, everyone hates me, even people that doesn’t know i exist. i have to become better, prettier, skinnier. i need to feel loved but i have to work for it. i have to be deserving of love. no one is gonna love me if i’m not deserving of it. be there for them, understand them, put them first. and maybe they’ll love me. or maybe not. maybe i’m just an unlovable person, not enough, inferior. i wasn’t even good when i was healthy and i really think that i can be good for someone when i’m mentally ill??? no one want a damaged, rotten person. no one love a broken, ugly, silly girl.

i can search their love and do anything to have it but I’ll never win. i’m never going to feel loved, to feel love, to love. no one ever loved me before, no one will start ever. it’s just how things go, you know? i’m inferior to everyone, i'm never going to have the possibility to feel feeling, love, anger, happiness, sadness.

i'm a void who stare at a void, and the other void stares back.

i’m never going to a comicon because i know that those actor/celebrities will make fun of me in private, with their friends. i know they’ll think i’m ridiculous, and ugly, not skinny, not their type, not enough. i’ll feel so ashamed to just go and have all of my insecurities proven. so stupid, and ugly, inferior, not thin enough, not woman enough, not curvy enough. and everyone’s opinions shouldn’t matter but it does. it does matter to me. a fucking lot. and i’m tired of feel sorry for trying and still not being enough.

just the thought that at a comicon i could talk to an actor and take photos: i’m scared. i’m scared bc i know that the moment they’ll see me they’ll know i’m inferior, because i’m just a teenager girl who doesn’t have a mind of her own, i’m not a beautiful woman, not tall, not skinny, not a model, not intelligent enough for them because i’m not going to know everything about the interest of the actor so i’ll be stupid. and every gift i could bring it would be stupid, childish, they’ll hate it, but they’ll smile at me politely and say “wow thank you it’s amazing” and never look back at it again.

i’m not special to anyone, especially to the people that are important to me, even worse if they are celebrities. i have nothing to give, im not capable of loving, making conversation, having friends because i’m not deserving and it doesn’t matter how much i try, my love will never be enough. im unlovable because im not skinny and pretty and no one is going to love you if you are unattractive but hey! type exist! yes, but all the people i love wants a model type and i’m not, also i need to be beautiful to make up for the fact that it’s still me after all. and i’m not intelligent how they want me to be, im not the science intelligent person, i’m the philosophy and emotive intelligent and what man wants that??? talk about emotion and be vulnerable? no one.

and i love women, and i’m sorry i’m not pretty enough for you, or too mentally ill to make you understand how much i care for you. i’m sorry i search men approval for everything, i wish it wasn’t like that.

and i just want to disappear. become skin and bones so someone would finally see me and care about me and makes me feel loved. but i don’t want to be seen, i don’t want anyone to look at me. don’t want them to know i’m nothing because I am nothing to anyone. i’m just a small piece of sand, scarred and ugly, and they are a whole sea. i don’t deserve them, but i wish i could do something to be deserving. i’m starving so i could be the very best girl, clean and pure. but i’m not pretty like the others so it doesn’t matter. no one wants to hear me talking, no one is interested in listening to me. i don’t deserve to be seen, heard, listened, perceived.

do better, no one care about me, i have no reason to stay. im trying to become the best i could be to feel just a little love, but my best is not enough and it’ll never be.

im not like other girls, other people. they’re nice, beautiful, so intelligent, interesting and wonderful. im not, i'm just a grain of sand who feels the entire weight of her life and others lives on her shoulder: people don’t care about me, they don’t even know i exist. but i feel them without knowing them in real life. i feel their disappointment, their sadness, their feelings. i care about theirs, they don’t even know mines exist. and i feel suffocated by this weight, it’s to heavy.

no one knows me and no one is willing to try to know me, because they know i have nothing to offer. i’m just someone who tries too much. i’ll give them everything and then beg to have something in return, just a little love, but i could be on my knees begging and screaming and dying and no one would notice. i fell ill and nobody cried, nobody noticed, nobody cared. they stare and judge but they don’t look, they don’t see.

but these are just the words of a teenage girl (i don’t even identify as one, but that’s another whole discussion) i’m probably just “crazy” and exaggerating, i don’t even know how hard life gets and my problems aren’t big; right?

at the end, it’s okay. i hope everyone will be happy. i’ll try to stay another day till i can. i know what i can’t have, i’ll survive without it. i’ll starve to be fed with love, but i know it’ll never arrive, because i didn’t do better, i wasn’t enough.

to be loved is to be heard and seen, i’ve never been both and i’ll never been.

to love is to listen and be there, to see and help. i should have been better, i’m sorry, i tried.

take care of yourself please <3

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poetic-beats · 2 years

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Feeling very eh idk guess my brain just hates me right now so thats fun….hopefully I’ll be getting an appointment soon with my psych and care co-ordinator or w/e at the new mental health team I’m currently under cos I moved out of area for my old one. So far the new CMHT seems pretty good they’ve said they are going to set in motion a lot of things but now I’m just left waiting to see when that’ll happen. I know some of it is gonna be a long wait list like for therapy but hopefully I’ll be given a psychiatrist and an appointment date set soon they said they were going to refer me for a diagnostic something or other appointment as some of my symptoms sounded like it could be trauma related and potentially ptsd/CPTSD symptoms so and they’re going to do an assessment into my anxiety too so they can get a better idea of how to treat it I suppose. Especially as my old psych never really asked me too many questions about it and never like identified what kind of anxiety disorder I have besides acknowledging my struggles with social stuff and panic attacks he wasn’t all that interested and just said yeah sounds like an anxiety disorder and gave me some meds for my panic attacks which didn’t work and then moved me onto x meds which havent been great so before I did move prescribed me a different drug that I’ve yet to start it tbh as I kinda want a set of fresh eyes to look over everything and re-evaluate my meds before going ahead as he was rather questionable on some things and Im just not 100 on his decisions as some contradicted my very first psych who I saw for yrs before he retired who I did trust. So I’m just a little iffy about it especially because he had a habit of not even listening to me when I was talking about side effects I had or issues and so im just very like not entirely confident in some things.

Anyways so yeah that’s my little life update I guess - things are kinda up in the air I have good days and I have bad days I was doing pretty good up until like maybe two or three days ago so I’m hoping I can break out of this idk I dont wanna call it depression I dont think its like super severe enough to be that but its definitely a low mood with some anxiety sprinkled in right now, but yeah hopefully I can get out of this low mood soon hopefully its not a sign of a relapse into a longer mood shift or something that is going to downward spiral me into a bpd depression which would be a lot worse I don’t want to have a full on bpd depressed breakdown so I’m trying to keep myself occupied. My cute little cat helps hes adorable and he is one of those cats who always wants to be held and I love that because its perfect for me I love that I’ve got a cat I can pick up and hold and give all the attention too. He’s definitely the cutest thing ever.

#erin talks #not poetry #life update I guess #mental health stuff #erin rambles

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elytrafemme · 2 years

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hello it is me the same annon who was too tired for their own good last night talking about cough syrup!

so hi, i’m still not fully caught up and i’m a little scared to be left off at a cliff hanger at this point (i just finished chapter 20)

but i’m here once again to say holy smaker doodle i love your writing soooo much!!!! like it’s hard for me to pin down but like every character feels so full??? i guess three dimensional but that just makes me think of floating geometric 3-d models.

this is one of the first things i’ve read where i’ve imagined distinct houses! huzzah!!

also i am loving cs!beeduo (the dynamic and the individual characters)

a random note is that when reading chapter 20?? 18??? (i’m forgetting which chapter has what specific event but i think it was 20) i noticed the random note that cs!ranboo had like been blessed with extra testosterone. and i was like yo!!! because im afab and actually have like a large “excess” of testosterone and for a bit i was put on hormone pills to counteract it? idk it was a while ago and i don’t go to the doctor about it because i don’t care about the side effects (got that not cis swag or whatever)

anyway the point of this (which i apologize if this above is tmi, i’m bad at recognizing stuff) is that i keep finding more and more ways to relate to cs!ranboo in very obscure ways but also i feel seen in obscure ways so hey, that’s a win!

also just everything in cough syrup feels so colorful??? like the descriptions and stuff, specifically of emotions and internal thoughts. colorful is the best word i can think of to describe it

i’m just having a great deal of fun and stuff reading, so i’m ever so grateful that it was written! i’m very excited to see this series through to the end!

(also as a last note im in love with the qpr rep and stuff because i never see it often, and i rarely see it portrayed in a relatable way)

OMG HIIII ANON HI!!! good 2 see u again!

fwiw the chapter coming out on tuesday isnt too much of a cliffhanger i would say? i am not great at cliffhangers so i dont tend to do them a lot LMFAO

OH MY GOD THANK U SO MUCH!!!!! i try to flesh out the characters as much as possible-- i felt honestly a bit bad having secondary characters just being flat, so i tried my best to give all of them a bit of story whether they're static characters (like techno) or dynamic ones (like niki)!! so that means a lot thank u so so much!

my pal sophia told me a while ago that they envisioned like a specific house too and thats honestly so so cool to hear cos like i only barely have a vision of what everyone's place looks like? so hearing that means loads <333

YES YES YES YES I'M SO GLAD U NOTICED THAT DETAIL! not too ramble too much about myself but i also have some health issues that may possibly pertain to my chemicals (that's yet to be seen) but that kind of set me thinking, like. i dunno i never really read anything that talked too much about that and i wanted to see how that element would intersect with cs!ranboo's perceptions of his own gender (not in like that being what controls these perceptions, rather if that gives him euphoria/dysphoria/nothing etc)! i'm trying to work on including more like diverse perspectives and experiences especially ones i haven't fully had and i do think in some ways that cough syrup lacks a lot of representation (wish i had written more physically disabled characters but i definitely think retconning in that is worse, just kind of a note for future me to work on) i've been working on that. and that's just something that i felt very alone in with my own experiences but even though it's not the same for csranboo as it is me i think that's even more reason to include it. if that makes sense? anyway i'm just glad u liked that <333

ohhhh im so glad... i love colors :D

im so grateful for U this made me so so happy thank u friend!!!

(ofc! i never knew a ton about qprs until i got into this fandom and learning that helped me with figuring out i'm arospec! i definitely try my best to write them as realistically as possible, there's a lot of variation in qprs but i def do my best yeah!!! really happy people like it ik everyone has their own thoughts on how cbeeduo is best portrayed in terms of relationships but i like switching it up and for what cough syrup is about and how i wrote those characters that felt really important to me.)

#nightmare.ask #nightmare.cough-syrup #nightmare.fave #this gen means so so so so so much to me #long post #srrry i rambled a LOT

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foolishfalls · 9 months

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I've been kind of just chucking my feelings out into many a void today and I guess I'll do it here. Who knows where I'm likely to get a response??

below the cut i'll be discussing repeat injuries, chronic pain, how my mental health interacts with/contributes to them, and my growing rage and exasperation with the american healthcare system.

I feel like for much of my life I have been grappling with nebulous burgeoning health problems that were rarely serious enough for me to really seek out a doctor, plus, my parents are both notoriously bad at seeing doctors and taking care of themselves too, so living with them into adulthood definitely didn't help. (It's tough as hell being a PDA autistic up against all these very harsh hierarchical systems so full of barriers and demands amirite?)

given the autism with a pretty heavy PDA slant, making and keeping appointments has been a harrowing process for me for my whole entire life, as long as I can remember. It doesn't help that I am also terrible at advocating for myself and have been consistently dismissed by doctors over stuff that I experience... I've just kind of learned to take it lying down which is not a good habit but i get easily exasperated trying to explain myself to doctors. i struggle a ton with even talking to people i see as holding authority over me (i attribute this to ten years of catholic school kind of breaking me mentally and emotionally. if you have been to a religious or catholic school perhaps you have an understanding of this kind of mistreatment)

anyway, i just feel like the pandemic and the ongoing collapse of the healthcare system has just really brought this to a head for me recently. In the last 6 years or so, i've injured both of my ankles several times, rolls and sprains. honestly, the first few times, i was being dumb and not paying attention (i went through a terrible binge drinking period during my 21st year, hadn't yet discovered that i literally cannot wear most shoes besides flat-soled sneakers) but even when I tried to be careful after one or two bad sprains that went unchecked, mostly, I would end up hurting myself. Two of the subsequent times I hurt myself while moving between apartments (I've always lived in walk-ups and have usually moved everything myself with little help aside from friends) and bc of pretty bad cracks on sidewalks (big city infrastructure is total garbage, big surprise!)

like, as my repeated injuries got worse, my capacity for physical activity has too, and I already struggled for years as a kid and teen to develop a decent exercise/activity routine. I think I also have low muscle tone and really slow recovery time due to autism or some co-morbid condition (such as EDS or something. i have weird, weak, clicky joints, but i'm not really typically hypermobile?)

anyway, every time i went in for an x-ray or to see a doctor, i basically got told just to RICE and take care of it at home, so I didn't seek further help. the one time i did was last year, and it took a lot of advocating and was quite hard for me, and then it took months of waiting to even get an appointment with an ortho. This is after 5-6 sprains on my right ankle, and 2 on my left. when i sprained my left ankle the last time, i landed quite hard on my right knee and definitely hurt that too, because it still clicks and acts up.

of course, last august, my ortho appt finally approaches, and i get fucking covid literally the day before. i was so sick and tired i just no-showed and honestly forgot about it. if I miss an appointment and dont reschedule immediately, the likelihood that I will do that is very low. once again, PDA is a bitch.

but, at least since then I haven't actually injured my ankle. However, who knows what the effects of covid were on my body, my joints, who tf knows?? we know it causes and exacerbates all kind of conditions in people. I barely have been able to get doctors to take me seriously about the stuff I'm chronically experiencing, so even bringing up long-covid has felt kind of scary and pointless, tbh.

Fast forward to april of this year. after working in office jobs and sitting for two years straight, which caused me a ton of awful burnout, i end up working part-time at a cafe. while I'm working there, i injure/strain my hip and low back while slipping on a wet floor. this pain keeps me in bed consistently for about 3 weeks and I go to see my doctor about it. he diagnoses me with sciatic pain because it seems to be running and radiating down from my leg and hip. (mind you this is my right hip, which is attached to the knee i've hurt maybe twice, and the ankle i've injured 5-6 times!)

Up until then, I had been receiving some PT at my previous job to help stabilize and strengthen my hips, which my PT determined as the main cause for my ankle injuries. my hips shake when i walk and tend to cause a lot of instability. I made some progress, but I was receiving PT at my old job, and my insurance changed when I left it, so i was uninsured for like three months in the beginning of this year while trying to get new coverage. my hip pain was bad for about a month, after seeing my doctor, i got x-rays and they came back clean but the pain wasn't fully subsiding, so he writes me referrals for PT and pain management.

Because of my shit association with PT due to my old job, and the fact that the pain finally began to subside after the x rays came back (I kind of thought, oh, maybe it was lingering mostly due to my stress, guess im good) I dont make a PT appointment right away. I look into one place i'm referred to and it turns out they dont take my insurance which is bullshit. Then, I go to my last option, the hospital system I see my PCP out of. It's basically the lowest quality medical care you can access with medicaid which is what i currently have, and due to my experience working in a high-end PT office i know what the difference will be. this mental block kind of keeps me thinking it will be pointless so i took a while to make an appointment, trying to do exercises at home for now since i had a baseline from my old job.

While all this is happening, as my hip pain is subsiding, i get a weird lump/bump where my heel meets my right ankle, my bad ankle. it has been this way since about the end of May, now, and it has been the source of some of the most disarming, weird, confusing pain I've ever experienced in my life.

I also didn't talk yet about how realizing I'm autistic helped me make sense of my weird pain tolerance. on one hand, i've always been notably sensitive to even the slightest pain. would sob and sob over the smallest things as a kid. i think due to the reactions of adults around me, i gradually learned to dissociate in order to bury my pain. so, i feel like i both experience pain very strongly and intensely, and at times it can be so debilitating and distracting that i can focus on little else and it almost causes me brain fog and fatigue, while at other times, it is kind of distant and i tend to dissociate from it.

with this new pain in my heel, there's definitely some nerve shit involved, i think... i get twitches/spasms sometimes, numbness, tingling, sharp pain, dull pain. and it's seemingly unpredictable. i wear compression socks or a sleeve almost every single day because it's all that helps. it's past the point of icing helping it much because it's not swollen.

basically every time i have seen a doctor about my pain leading up to now, I have brought up the possibility of some underlying cause, but i always get dismissed. told I'm digging too deep or thinking too hard and just stressing myself out, despite the fact that I've always been clumsy and injury prone and had coordination issues. I guess bc those coordination issues haven't been well documented, and i am not officially diagnosed with autism or anything that could support my claims, i just don't get taken seriously, despite my experience being quite abnormal from what i understand when talking to others!!!

idk where I'm even going with this. today i was at a PT appointment for my hip and was on the verge of tears the whole time. I have to go back to my primary doctor in order for them to even begin attending to my heel despite that being the worst pain, and despite the fact that my hip/knee/heel/sciatica are all definitely related. I'm assuming this is because of insurance bullshit, i know it's pretty basic procedure, but it's exhausting that the american healthcare system is set up this way. it's really hard when you're autistic also and struggle with making and keeping appointments. it doesn't help that i've been dismissed by so many doctors that i just get intense anxiety about even having to go back again.

i'm also looking for a new PCP anyway because i don't like that mine doesn't take me very seriously and i am also transitioning and very scared/a bit paranoid about facing any transphobia or disclosing that fact to him if we have to run any blood tests. so maybe I'll have a better experience elsewhere, but this heel stuff has gone on for so long that i just have to bite the bullet and go back to the same place if it will be quicker to do so anyway.

and like, all procedural/red tape/insurance bullshit aside, bottom of the barrel PT treatment here is like. so dismal. once again maybe it's just bc i have the point of comparison from my old job, but i feel like the treatment is really just. so lackluster, doctors are seeing multiple patients at once, you're rushed through your visit, you don't have time to ask questions. the whole time i've been there no one has so much as taken a closer look at my heel. i know i'm there for my hip and you have to say that on paper for insurance, but like, damn, not even just a quick check??

I am afraid it's because I'm habitually downplaying the pain to cope and because i'm terrified of doctors. so maybe it's my fault.

still, the system is downright hostile to people who struggle with that stuff.

i don't have much else to say. just wanted to dump this somewhere and see if anyone else can understand or empathize with my experience. i don't talk about this super openly or readily because I don't even feel like i can call it chronic pain sometimes despite this being a several month long problem and really an issue that is about five years old, despite it being inconsistent... mostly because i just don't have the affirmation of a medical diagnosis. i have considered getting a cane/mobility aid very thoroughly recently because i know it would help me (and maybe even force doctors to take me seriously) but there's a part of me that feels like i can't or shouldn't. like i'm not valid enough for that, or i can function without it, but i know that's dismissive and so not the right way to think about mobility aids

i mean, it doesn't help that my dad has been limping and had chronic pain for years and has one and still refuses to use it... the internalized ableism runs deep. it's fucked. i'm trying hard to undo it but it's hard when you're already just hard on yourself.

anyway, just sorely needed to get this off my chest. thanks for reading if you do.

EDIT: i also wanted to say,, if you have gone through anything similar, just know you're not alone! so if you want to share your experience or talk about it with me pls know my asks and dms are open.

#personal #chronic pain #healthcare #idk #autism

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jan-joki · 10 months

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So basically the major question that I would have is what are your do's and dont's? I'm sure you have your personal kinks that you like but do you do m/m, f/f, futa, stuff like that. Perhaps you can do a muse page for the fetishes, characters, and fandoms you prefer to do and which ones you won't do at all.

I had a few story ideas if you don't mind. Smut is optional if you want to take a break from the NSFW stuff.

1- Ozpin realizes early on that RWBY and JNPR are just one large team and fuses them together as Team RRJNNBYW or Team Rainbow "based on RWBY and JNPR reacts to Red vs Blue by Curelean Lancer" So the mega team is cramed into one room with Ruby as captian and Jaune as co-captain. Needless to say they would have drama right off the back. Between Ruby and Jaune, Weiss whining about not being leader trying to make friends with Pyrrha, Blake and Ren trying to deal with six roudy roommates and everyone developing feelings for the idiotic blonde.

2-Sienna Khan goes to Vale to check on Adam, only to be double-crossed and have her ship explode, leaving her in the care of a certain Blonde huntsman.... not Jaune. Taiyang! Finding the tiger washed up on the beach he nurses the woman back to health and teaches her not all humans are assholes. (Just the rich ones) Plus I got a badass shipname for this, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon!

3- Kind of a weird one but some character (Jaune, Oscar, Cardin, etc) kicks the can and Ozpin realizes that he has a free body to do Frankenstein magic with. So he turns the Idiot into a slime. Figuring that the new creature would multiply and become his Mook the throw at Salem and fight Grimm when Huntsmen get low. However neither of them know just how strong the slime can be, while he figured that creating a slime that eats road kill and rotten fruit would be easy to handle, he failed to realize how a creature with human memories that can multiply exponentially and have aura would be a problem.

Anyway from I read so far you do a good job writing if just very infrequently, but I get it everyone has a life. I look forward to see what you come up with next.

I don't do m/m unless one side is total dom, and I'm not going to write a f/f story either.

And thank you for suggesting the muse list, I'll get that set up in a minute. And thanks again for your story suggestions, I'll see if I can write them some time, maybe I'll post them on fanfiction too but again I'm not sure.

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semi-imaginary-place · 2 years

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i made albinnaux a durendaire because i thought it'd be funny for him and carvallain to pass each other by in limsa. or worse if they met. and the thought of two long lost brothers meeting is very funny. since in his absence the whole house kinda of glorified him. according to jannequinard at least he was like the standard the rest of his generation measured themselves again. he probably wouldnt recognize albinnauc either since the last time they saw each other albinnaux was like 8 and pretransition. also as much as albinnaux hates his family (somewhat deserved somewhat not). its only because he leveraged his family name to smuggle stuff into ishgard that his transition went as smoothly as it did dragonblood may or may not have been involved, i havent decided. au feral in the woods albunnaux totally drank dragon blood, but more restrained canon albinnaux? not sure (going feral in the woods albinnaux actually ends up in a better mental health place come 2.0). anyways the lost house heir that everyone idealized now a pirate captain and the brother who didnt seem like brother the last time they saw each other who is also an adventurer and the warrior of light or stuck working a menial job as a customs officer depending on when they meet. very awkward. very funny. depending on when exactly they meet albinnaux would be furious since their father took a turn for the worse (in personality) after carvallain "died". or he'd be so depressed and tired it would shoot past anger into "well this might as well happened"

Stephanivien and co are some of the only people he told he was leaving. it was from Rostnsthal that he learned about the musketeers guild and got the idea to go to limsa. he also knew about haurchefant though i dont think they were friends between haurchefant (possibly) being an angry teenager and albinnaux also being an angry teenager but one that was obsessed with status and being seen with the right people oh i do want to say that teenage albinnaux was very manicured and poised on the outside, he was only foaming at the mouth furious on the inside and careful to not let it show. which is why the au where he snaps and runs off to be a heretic is possible

if you'd met albinnaux in his early to mid twenties he very much was constrained by politeness. i wouldn't say he's naturally all that nice or polite, they were tools for him and when they failed him he left them behind. cant remember if i said this but albinnaux was a temple knight not a house durendaire knight. he wanted to forge a legacy on his own outside of the shadow of his house. rumors of course dogged him that he used his family name to gain his knighthood and officer position and they aren't entirely wrong. his unit didn't really like him ranging from apathy to hatred. so even while his tactics and directions were sound, of course nothing would come of them when his unit doesn't follow him half the time. some of them didn't like another highborn brat that didn't earn his position, some didn't like house durendaire and their supposed wealth, some didn't like him because he's trans, and some just didn't like his personality. he was never able to inspire loyalty in those under him and his career never advanced.

ishgard and feeding bodies into the machine of war. (albinnaux is my ishgard lore character if you couldnt tell lol). i never told you why albinnaux wanted to be a knight in the first place. the short answer is glory, knights are highly respected (even though at the top of the chain is the archbishop its a long long way down to the bottom ranks). albinnaux tried to do what aymeric eventually accomplished: become knight commander, end the theocracy, and become the new leader of ishgard. which albinnaux didn't even get close to accomplishing.

he's a former high house noble so he knows a good chunk of the characters if only by reputation. while i do like the idea of albinnaux being friends with all the ishgard characters. given what he was like theres no way. its only toward the end of his time in ishgard that he starts letting go of his prejudices. so meeting haurchefant again is the meeting of the dude who didnt make it in ishgardian society and ran away meeting the guy he used to look down on for being a illegitimate child who has Made It and found his way and succeeded in his career. im also cheering haurchfant on in this. get dunked on albi.

im not sure on albinnaux's relationship with religion yet. its complicated because raised orthodox that got more conservative when his father had his ideological foot heel turn. buys into the narrative of ishgard winning the war over the dragons. but also naturally skeptical over any sort of literal interpretation and disliking the idea of higher powers interfering in his life (its HIS and he wants to do it all on his own).

he is VERY repressed in almost every way.

i dont think albinnaux ever quite experienced the lowest lows of ishgard the way hilda and those of the brume did. his life always had worth in the eyes of society (not as much as he wanted), he always had his family name to fall back on, a safety net even if he resented that fact albinnaux has struggled within the confines of ishgardian society yes and has been oppressed and faced both misogyny and transphobia but he's also had privilege far surpassing most of a place where birth and blood matter above almost all else. he recognized that privelege and tried to use it to his advantage to bring about his grand ambition of revolutionizing ishgard (with him at the helm of course), like he planned to get rid of the high houses AND the theocracy, give equal education and employment opportunities to everyone regardless of birth, etc. he genuinely wants the best for ishgard, but in his early twenties he still hasn't gotten his arrogance checked. pride before the fall and all that.

he is intensely jealous of haurchefant and aymeric and between that, the politics of alliance that he loves and middy, 2.x is juicy which makes sense since i made him while playing 2.x. albinnaux like alphinaud rather fancies himself a politician though at this point in the story he's mostly just kinda angry and resigned to being hydaelyn's pawn but that spark that hope of changing the world for the better is there.

he sometimes wonders if coming out shot him in the foot career wise. but as a teenager he was greedy and both wanted his cake and to eat it. i also wanted to explore some of the high house politics. like theres the quest where you deliver a bottle of haurchefant's favorite wine to him for one of francel's knights because of course they cant overtly give him gifts because it would look like a bribe so they need an unaffiliated 3rd party.

#ffxiv #ffxiv ocs #albinnaux

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tempestpaige · 3 years

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whats wrong with tradwife stuff? it seems to be inherently bad but i dont know why; as someone that struggled with mental health my entire life the idea of being a stay at home mom (and have a family etc) actually makes me want to live but i dont want to be associated with something bad if its bad

obviously if you want to be a housewife, that’s fine. the problem with tradwife stuff is that:

it glamorizes a life that never existed - there’s never been a time in history when all women universally did not have a job. women have always worked, they just usually were underpaid and undervalued. women have always been cooks, maids, teachers, shop owners, seamstresses, laborers. the women who weren’t working were wealthy women, and they typically employed other lower class women to help them in the home. the 1950s stereotype of a woman raising several kids on a single income and no help while the husband works is a fantasy.

they co-op leftist or feminist talking points about women working - for example a common leftist criticism of women working is that even though more women work out of the home than ever, they still do most housework in heterosexual living situations. instead of drawing the correct conclusion that men need to be taught and trained to do more housework and take care of themselves, tradfems say that this is why women shouldn’t have jobs at all.

the tradfem community runs adjacent to Nazis, racists, and fascists - they glorify White Families and White Motherhood, and support conservative politicians with harmful politics

It’s very risky to depends financially 100% on another person - when you bring up that it’s risky to do this, the tradfem community will say “well that’s why it’s important to marry someone you love and trust!”. but this ignores the realities of abusive relationships. on paper it sounds great- you love someone so much and you want to do everything for them and raise their kids and make them dinner, and you hope that they love you so much that they spoil you with gifts and don’t make you work and they put you first. But life doesn’t always work out that way. When you lack your own savings and your own skills to survive on your own, that makes divorce very difficult. some extreme trads advocate women don’t receive any formal education at all, and completely frown upon divorce in all situations. this is dangerous

they say they don’t judge working mothers- but they do- they claim to be an oppressed minority. they claim that the big bad feminists are stopping them from being housewives. they’re lying though. they happily insult women working, implying that waiting until 30 to have kids means you’ll be infertile, claim women past the age of 30 have “hit the wall”, claim that working women are ugly and undesirable, and let’s not even get into the fatphobia and racist beauty standards present in these communities. they do little activism to promote politics that would help working women, like mandatory maternity leave or childcare support.

if you want to be a housewife, and you’ve throughly researched this decision, that’s fantastic. i myself want to get married and have kids, and if I’m financially able I’d like to take off a year from work to recover from pregnancy. but im aware of the risks, I’m aware that there are so many benefits to being a working woman, and I’m aware that in a patriarchal society, staying home and taking care of a man is the default behavior, it’s not counter culture, it’s not “rebelling” against the feminists.

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morizoras-cave · 4 years

Text

Purple Patches

Benedict Cumberbatch x Teen!Co-Star!Reader, Tom Holland x Teen!Co-star!Reader

Genre: Angst, fluffy ending

Description: Filming the newest Dr. Strange movie (in which Tom would also appear), you grow quite close with the two leads, Tom and Benedict. But you’re hiding something alarming from them. Four months in the entire crew get a week off to see their families for Christmas, and when you return Tom and Benedict can’t help but feel troubled, as your body is rippled with purple patches.

Warnings: CHILD ABUSE, physical abuse, broken family, alcoholism, depression, anxiety??

A/N: I had another imagine written but im ngl its kind of.. weird? its unconventional for sure. and its definitely bad. so, maybe ill rewrite someday or something? ALSO SORRY IF YOU DONT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, JUST IMAGINE YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF EVIL CHRISTIAN STEP DAD WHO FORCES IT INTO YOUR FAMILY

The taxi you sat in drove slowly in the New York traffic, as snow fell outside, coating the entire city in blinding white. You couldn’t enjoy it however. Your entire body hurt, and yet you still couldn’t find even a moment to worry about your health. All you could think about was them.

Tom and Benedict. Your sweetest coworkers, and at this point your closest.. anything. Family, friends? Who cares, you had no one else. You’d gone back for the holidays like everyone else, even though you wished you could have just stayed at in your trailer. Your dad, like any other time you saw him, had used this time to pour his anger and alcoholism out on you. Your body which had finally begun to heal, was now back to square one, covered in cuts and bruises.

You knew what would happen if anyone found out. You’d be taken from your family. But in truth, although you hated being around him, you wanted to wait for your dad. You wanted to wait for him to get over his alcoholism, you wanted him to get better, and then he’d treat you better.

But they would find out. You were covered in bruises and purple patches. Your face was fine, except for your neck, but the rest of your body was ruined. Ugly. You could hide most of it, but it hurt. Even just sitting there, in the soft and plush taxi seat, you body was aching and wailing like a police siren.

And what if they noticed you foundation-covered hands? Or the movie required you to wear something more revealing?

“You okay?” the deep voice of your taxi driver ripped you from your thoughts. A single tear had slid down your face. You cleared your throat and nodded, wiping the tear from your cheek.

You arrived at the set, and an impossible knot had been tied in your stomach. Nervousness tingled in your heart and your legs, but you got up anyway, trying to calm your breath. The moment you stood up, you winced and stopped.

You managed to roll your luggage to your trailer, biting your lip continuously in order to keep yourself from screaming. You threw it on the floor of your trailer, whimpering and doubling over in pain.

“Y/n!” a rapid knock on your door, interrupted you. It was Tom’s voice. You took a shaky breath, closing your eyes, and then opening the door. Tom stood there in your doorway like a smiling idiot. Your lips widened into a smile just from seeing him.

“Y/n!” he repeated stepping inside and wrapping his arms around you in a hug. You bit your lip again, hiding your pain-wrenched face in his chest, before hugging him back. He placed his head on yours sweetly. “I missed you!” he gushed.

You hit his chest playfully, “I missed you too,” you frowned for a moment and looked away. Tom’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Are you okay?” You simply nodded. Tom stared at you for a moment and then shook his head. “Anyway, um, Benedict asked me to tell you that he’s invited both of us youngsters out for dinner tonight. Just as one last ‘fuck you!’ to work, before officially start back up tomorrow.”

“That does sound like something he would do,” you agreed and Tom laughed, punching your shoulder playfully. You yelped loudly, retreating quickly from him.

“Woah,” he exclaimed, holding his hands up, “Are you okay? What happened to your shoulder?”

“I fell,” you said. Nervousness jabbed at your ribs. You’d barely talked to Tom for a minute and he’d already asked if you were okay twice. He seemed to buy your explanation, and apologized for accidentally hitting your sore shoulder, to which you nodded absently.

Tom was silent for a couple of heartbeats. He studied you. You were not usually like this. Or maybe you had been a little like this those four months ago, when you first started filming. He didn’t understand what caused you to be that way, so distant and unhappy.

“Hey, anyway, I’m gonna go, I’m trying to actually read the script this time,” he joked, and you laughed because you knew it was a hopeless task.

“Have fun,” you mumbled, and as soon he left, you body slid down against the wall, and your facade crumbled, tears leaving your eyes.

___________________________

Before the dinner, you took three pain killers. Then, you waited restlessly, hoping that the pills might kick in. They did but your body felt strange and buzzy. You ignored it, a blossoming hope forming in your chest that you might be able to conceal your pain in the pills and the clothing.

Benedict came knocking on your door around 7, a smile on his face. “Y/n!” he said, and you both hugged. A small smile had formed on your lips, when you actually managed to deal with the ache, now much weaker than previously.

You both then walked to Tom’s trailer, and then the three of you walked to a restaurant, not too far from your filming location.

“So, what have you two been up to in our little break?” Benedict asked once you all sat down, having ordered already. You glanced at Tom, hoping that he’d start.

“Me and my brothers went back home to our mum and dad. Had a pretty regular Christmas. I gave the best gifts. I got some pretty cool socks,” Tom joked around. You and Benedict stifled a laugh. Then both Ben and Tom looked at you, and you realized it was your turn to tell them about what you’d been up to.

“Oh, well, I.. I spent Christmas with my parents. My grandparents and cousins also came,” you were lying through your teeth. You avoided their eyes, sipping your soda.

“Got any presents?” Benedict asked and you cursed at yourself internally for forgetting such a simple part of Christmas. And for making things awkward.

“I got some clothes, some books. Pretty standard stuff,” you forced a smile, “What about you, Benadryl?”

Benedict rolled his eyes at your comment, making you and Tom fist-bump one another, giggling quietly as he told you about his own Christmas. The night was going alright, except for that rough start. Mostly you avoided any talk of your family, and you could feel yourself getting better, the further the conversation got from your family. Until-

“Y/n, what’s that on your hand?”

Instinctively, you pulled your hand to your lap, straightening yourself up and gulping. You looked down, pretending to inspect it and then looked up.

“It’s, uh, it’s dirt. Wow, I should really go wash my hands, haha-” Tom grabbed your hand from under the table, pulling it towards him. Your foundation was wearing off, a large purple patch stemming from your wrist and snaking up your hand revealing itself.

You couldn’t breathe. Both Tom and Ben just stared at it. You tried to pull back but Tom was much stronger than you. Tears blurred your vision.

“Y/n, what is this?” Tom whispered, and you felt his fingers rubbing the bruise gently. The tears finally fell, and now both men were looking at you. Benedict looked serious. It was an expression you’d never really seen on his features before, at least not outside of your acting.

“I-I fell..” you mumbled, but you knew it was useless.

“Y/n.. Who did this?” Benedict’s voice was low, gently setting a hand on your shoulder. You flinched.

“I don’t know.. I don’t..”

“Y/n!” Tom’s voice was raised. You immediately jumped away from them both, putting your arms in front of you in fear. Several people turned to look at you three. Shaking, you lowered your hands, and saw Tom and Ben staring at you worriedly. Tom had tears in his eyes.

“Let’s talk about this back at the studio, okay?” Benedict, now afraid to touch you, spoke slowly and comfortingly. You nodded and then two men got up, standing on either side of you, grabbing one of your hands each.

“Was it your dad?” Tom growled as you walked in the night, moon rising in the sky.

“Yes..” you whispered, so low you wondered if they heard it, but they did. They both exchanged glances. Tom was furious. Benedict was too, but he was collected. Tom itched to ask you more and help you, console you right there on the street, but Benedict sent him a warning look not to.

You walked back to the studio in silence. The three of you entered your trailer and you quietly wished you had predicted something like this would happen, because the bottle of strong pain killers was still out and open on your kitchen table.

Benedict spotted them immediately and grabbed them. His eyes narrowed as he read the bottle description. Then he looked at you and then it again. Tom watched helplessly, holding your shoulders gently.

“How many more are there? Bruises.” Ben was clearly angry. He was losing his cool, hands shaking as he grabbed your hand to pull up your sleeve. You tried to move his hand away, but he slid the sleeve up to your elbow and just stared at the blue, yellow and purple that littered your arm. Tom was frozen beside you.

Ben slid up your other sleeve, breathing speeding up as he saw more, and then he tugged at the collar of your turtleneck, exposing the jarring and ugly sight of a red handprint. He pulled away suddenly, walking away from you.

“Fuck!” he yelled, hitting the wall of the trailer. He hung his head low. You jumped and turned around, but Tom simply embraced you, and then sat you both down on the floor. You hid your face in his neck, sobbing again. Tom’s hands slowly rubbed your back.

“Okay..” said Benedict after a while. You could hear that he’d calmed down. Ben angrily wiped a few tears from his face, turning to you and Tom on the floor. Tom was simply frowning now. He never wanted to let you go. He never wanted any harm to come to you.

“I’m gonna call the police and get your dad arrested,” he said, and you heard his footsteps, as he wondered what to do next.

“No!” you exclaimed, scrambling to your feet away from Tom. Both men looked at you in confusion. “No! You can’t do that, he’s- he’s just trying to get better. If I wait a little longer, he’s going to get better.”

“Y/n..” Benedict whispered sadly and you ran to him hoping to stop him. “You can’t wait for him. You’re putting yourself in danger..” you shook your head, but Ben grabbed your shoulders and looked into your eyes, “he’s a grown man, Y/n. He doesn’t deserve pity or patience. Not after doing this. Nothing excuses this. Nothing.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat, lip quivering, but still you nodded.

“Can your mother take care of you?” Ben asked, piercing blue eyes still staring into your soul. There was no point in lying anymore, you knew.

“No.”

“Alright, then you’ll stay with me.” Ben declared, “You’ll stay with me until we can find someone from your family who can take care of you.” You looked up at him with shining eyes. Despite the uncomfortable situation you found yourself in, a genuine smile broke out on your face.

You hugged him, thanking him breathlessly. Ben and Tom made eye contact, and smiled gently at each other. Tom had cried silently at your interaction. The thought that someone would hurt someone he loved so dearly shattered his heart completely.

“Now,” Benedict said finally, “we need to drive you to the hospital.”

You agreed and while Tom drove, Ben was in the backseat on the phone with the police department. You just watched the beautiful neon lights shining in the pitch black night, snow illuminating the ground. People still littered the streets.

You knew it now. Your father didn’t deserve your waiting, and though it would take very long to finally live with and truly understand, it was worth it to start the fight. You truly owed it to the two jerks you worked with. What would you even do with out them?

#marvel #avengers #dr strange #dr strange x reader #dr. strange #dr. strange x reader #benedict cumberbatch #benedict cumberbatch x reader #spiderman #spiderman x reader #peter parker x reader #stephen strange x reader #tom holland #tom holland x reader #avengers x reader #avengers cast x reader #marvel cast x reader #marvel x reader

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