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lovelybarnes · 3 years

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baby blue- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, tony stark bruce banner, steve rogers, sam wilson warnings: child bucky, language, this is long. why is this so long about: requested by @cherry-season (apparently can't tag you)! bucky turns into a baby/toddler and is clingy a/n: okay so i know virtually nothing about three-year-olds. can you tell? thank you so much for requesting!! I had so much fun writing this <333

[@tylard-blog1]

bucky’s day wasn’t particularly fantastic to begin with.

he was already exhausted when he woke up in the early lights of the morning, his nightmares had kept him up all night-- which you theorized was due to the mission the day before that took place in one of the same hydra bases bucky had been held in. you had frowned when you realized it the day of, turning your attention to bucky and making sure he was okay with it because if he wasn’t, you would make sure someone else took care of it. he had insisted it was fine, even though the next night proved him wrong. you had done what you could, running your fingers through his hair and humming lightly until you fell asleep and he refused to wake you up, resigning himself to a sleepless night.

his morning started with his flesh arm reaching out to feel your side of the bed, hoping to find your soft, warm skin to pull you closer, but instead being met with the unkind sheets that missed the gentleness of your body. he had frowned when he realized you had already left for a meeting with some important hotshot in space with carol (you couldn’t find a better excuse to go get breakfast at your favorite alien restaurant with your favorite aliens) and wouldn’t be back for a solid few hours too long. groaning, and with no real reason to stay in bed for any longer without the excuse of getting to feel you for a few more hours, he dragged himself out of bed.

it didn’t get much better from there, because he was greeted with the sight of sam eating the last bowl of the last box of cereal in the whole damn tower because everyone rejected to go grocery shopping. since bucky refused to eat any of the frozen breakfasts tony loved so much and the stark kid swore were “the best thing ever,” he grunted at sam and walked away without eating, knowing he’d regret it later when his stomach would growl and you would immediately know he skipped breakfast.

for some unknown reason, tony had found out about bucky’s lack of things to do, and with a few winks and manipulative large-worded engineering phrases, convinced him to join him in the lab, which bucky had only really been able to see through the clear glass that separated the lab from the rest of the tower, and from the occasions where he would take food and drinks to you while you locked yourself away inside, building something alongside tony.

being inside, so close to the various machines and objects bucky cant begin to figure out the purpose of, his memories of being in school and at the top of his math and engineering classes bubble to the surface, filling him with the pride he remembers having every day at school. the thought that he could probably understand everything if you or tony explained it to him passes through his mind and urges him to ask tony to do just that, but tony beats him before he can get the chance.

bruce is eyeing them wearily from the other side of the lab, attention mostly on the test tubes in front of him. he gives bucky a smile when he comes in, but seems to ignore him for the most part until tony shows bucky to bruce’s work station, pointing out a blue liquid in a test tube marked TESTING. bruce’s neck snaps to them when tony open his big mouth, “you know, y/n was actually supposed to test something out for me today,” tony begins innocently, a suggestion laced in his words that bucky catches but decides to ignore because of the high he feels from understanding the equations scribbled on the clear glass, “do you know where she is?”

bucky narrows his eyes at him, then looks up at the clock, realizing it’s still a while before you get back, “not even on earth,” he recipes blandly, slyly sneaking a glance at the liquid for any indications of what it could be.

tony sighs dramatically, his shoulders sagging, “oh no, how do i test this now?” bruce shoots tony a warning glance that is blatantly ignored.

bucky’s shrugging before he can help it, the reminder that since you were going to do it, what could be the harm if he did? “i could do it.”

tony claps, “great!” he gestures to a door behind him, “please go in there to sign non-disclosure agreements and wash your hands.”

bucky’s shoved inside before he can fully understand the implications of his stupid offer.

the thought of asking the basic questions he should have asked before he agreed to test an unidentified liquid comes to bucky nearly an hour later, when the small vial of weird blue liquid sits in front of him, waiting to be drunk. tony and bruce sit in chairs a couple of feet away, clipboards in both of their hands, and interested expressions settled on their features.

“what does this do again?” he asks, squinting at the vial that he doesn’t notice tony isn’t looking at, furrowing his eyebrows when tony waves him off, “something super smart. no side effects or anything.” bucky’s eyes flit down to the little vial again, before they nearly bug out of his head at the humongous laser that is rolled into the room, “what the hell is that.”

“ah,” tony grins, bouncing from his seat to stand next to his invention proudly, “this is what you’re testing out.” bucky cocks his head at the man, “i thought i was drinking blue water. y/n was going to drink blue water.” tony shakes his head, adjusting some dials on the machine, “yeah, no, it was this. pretty sure i told you.”

“you didn’t-” bruce is looking at tony in concern, about to tell him to slow down so bucky has a chance to think all this through again and maybe ask if there is any chance the laser will melt him, when tony clicks a large red button and a bright white light clouds bucky’s vision just as he sees the clock on the exact same time he saw an hour ago, realizing the clock in the billion-dollar lab is broken, and you’re probably getting home any second.

“tony!” he hears bruce yell before his vision goes dark.

it’s only a second until he can pry open his eyes again, a hand curling into a fist, ready to pound stark into tomorrow when he can suddenly feel the nails of his hand digging into his palm. the surprising feeling of it where his vibranium arm should be forces him to look down at a small arm, fully skin and thin. he looks around, noticing his surroundings suddenly have grown very large around him, and the sound of his voice is higher when he tries to speak again.

“what the f-” he mumbles, cutting himself off when a sudden memory of his ma yelling at him to wash his mouth out if he wants to talk like that floods his mind, and he stares down at himself, eyebrows furrowing when he spots his short stature and the tiny hands and feet that look up at him. realization floods him like a wave, raising his chin at the two, tall, gobsmacked men in front of. “was that supposed to happen?” bruce asks quietly, nodding slowly when tony shakes his head, “no.”

there’s a light knock at the door, your hand pushing it open before anyone can stop you, and your tired face peeks in, a glowing smiling adorning your face and your eyes searching for your boyfriend, “hey, do you guys know where bucky is-” your voice cuts through the stunned silence, pausing when you catch the little boy’s eye. at first, you stare at him, your eyebrows pulling together as you get a good look at the familiar cerulean of his eyes and scan the clothing you’d seen on bucky before. for a second, everything is silent, bucky’s eyes are wide and staring as yours bore into them, searching for something you’re nearly touching until you gasp, “bucky?” you choke, reaching for him when he nods, his legs already trying to reach you as fast as they possibly can but they buckle. bucky realizes just then how old he must be now. “oh, baby,” you murmur, gathering him up in your arms before he can fall to the hard ground of the lab. “what the hell did you idiots do to my boyfriend?” you demand, turning to the two scientists who are going over tony’s notes.

bruce glances at tony, tilting his head at him as if to say him. you roll your eyes, not having any more information than when you asked, “tony?” you growl, walking over to the man, not missing the way little bucky’s hand grabs onto your shirt.

“it didn’t- that wasn’t supposed to happen,” tony defends weakly, a lazy shrug pulling at his shoulders. your eyes flash with velvet red, and, without moving a finger, tony’s pulled in front of you, wrapped in red swirls bucky can’t help but gawk at.

“fix it.” you order. tony nods, pursing his lips, “we’ll do that.” bruce looks a little taken aback, looking up from tony’s scribbles and equations. “i don’t think it’ll last more than a day,” he offers helpfully, “whatever it was tony was trying to do wasn’t either.”

bucky’s eyes start to droop, which he assumes is an effect of the sleepless night he just had on his infant body, something that usually wouldn’t affect him in his one-hundred-and-six-year-old self. he hums when he realizes the irony, leaning his head against the welcoming crook of your neck and catching your attention. you turn to him for a moment, softening a little before turning back to tony and glaring at him, “fix it.”

steve catches you when you walk out of the lab, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head when he spots the toddler in your arms, “holy shit, that looks exactly like bucky,” he breathes, scanning the dark mussed-up hair and stepping back when bucky opens his eyes. from next to him, sam looks from bucky to you, “did you two have a kid and not tell anyone, because this-”

“is bucky. that’s bucky.” you interrupt, looking at the toddler, “tony messed up with something and… this happened, i don’t completely… bucky’s a baby.”

steve raises an eyebrow, squinting at his best friend, “ha,” he laughs, “wow, he looks exactly like his pictures. he must be about three years old.” bucky blinks at him. “his ma said he was chatting up a storm at that age, though,” steve informs, looking back up at you. sam grins, “has he said anything? i kinda want to hear if he still sounds old.” bucky frowns at him, his pout deepening when sam bursts into laughter, “his grumpy face is the same!”

you look at your boyfriend, tilting your head and smiling a little when you realize he’s right, “you’re cute,” you coo now that you get a good look at him, “you’re so cute,” you murmur, poking his nose with your finger. bucky can’t help the blush that comes to his cheeks. but he slaps away sam’s fingers, scowling at him, “no.” he argues, “no.”

sam frowns, “no old man voice.”

“i hate you,” bucky says to sam, and you laugh, “i think we should leave for now. i need to figure out what will make three-year-old bucky not as grumpy.” sam looks at bucky’s furrowed brows and the same two little lines between them, his eyes flickering back up to yours, “i think that may just be a bucky thing.”

you bring bucky to the living room, sitting him down at the edge of the couch and crouching in front of him, watching him and his little crossed arms, bottom lip jutted out against his own will. bucky isn’t used to the emotional control of a child who’s three and can’t control the frustration that’s coursing through him at the moment. the only thing he knows for sure is that he doesn’t want you to leave him again.

“bucky?” you start, looking deep into the wide blue eyes that let you know it is bucky you’re speaking to. “what do you want to do? are you hungry? d’you want to sleep?” bucky shakes his head stubbornly at you, “i want tony to fix this.”

you sigh, “i know, baby. i do too, but until he finds a cure to this, you’re gonna stay small for a couple more hours.” he pouts at that, and you smooth your thumb over his cheek, “no pouting. we can do whatever you want, buck.”

just as he’s about to reject any idea you have, his stomach rumbles loudly, directing your attention to the arms that guiltily cover up his middle. “bucky... did you eat breakfast today?” you query, a lecturing tone sneaking into your words. “sam ate my cereal,” bucky grumbles, crossing his arms.

“bucky!” you exclaim, standing up to turn to the kitchen, “that’s no excuse. i told you you needed to eat--” you’re barely three steps into the kitchen when you hear the pattering of his feet towards you, grubby hands pawing at your legs.

“don’t leave,” he whines, hugging your ankles and sitting down on the floor, “you left all morning,” he mumbles, smushing his cheeks against your calf.

“i’m sorry,” you apologize, bending over to brush away the hair that falls over his eyes. “c’mere,” you murmur, reaching down to pick him up again and bounce him on your hip while you head to the kitchen. “what do you want to eat?” bucky thinks about it for a minute, before smiling, “i want pizza and ice cream.” you frown at him, “i don’t think three-year-olds can eat that. actually, i don’t think anyone should.”

after consulting google on what three-year-olds should eat, you have bucky’s head resting on your shoulder, refusing to let you put him down even as you made him the mac and cheese he had agreed to, still a little upset over the fact you wouldn’t let him eat all the other things he wanted. the only time he let you not carry him was when he was eating, still insisting you sit right next to him to watch as he smeared cheese all over tony’s expensive table.

“okay,” you whisper breathlessly after watching him eat his third bowl of the meal, “i think that’s good.” you shove the dirty dishes in the sink, washing bucky’s hands and wiping at him cheeks with a warm cloth to get the mess he managed to create off. “did you forget how to eat?” you wonder aloud when you finally fnish cleaning him up, watching his small shoulders shrug.

“what do you want to do now? anything you want,” you propose.

“i want you,” he says, reaching his stubby arms out, “cuddles. ‘m sleepy,” he yawns, making grabby hands at you when you take too long to pick him up. “bucky,” you chuckle, complying with him and bringing him into your chest, where he leans his head on your shoulder. “you sure you don’t want to play or something? you don’t want to…” you trail off, trying to think of what three-year-olds do, “walk or read or something?”

bucky grunts in your ear, his eyelids already closing again, “cuddles,” he repeats, balling your shirt up in his little hands.

“okay,” you sigh, bouncing him gently while you walk to your shared bedroom. you pick up a stuffed animal you brought for bucky from one of your most recent missions, “did you sleep last night? is that why you’re so tired?” bucky hums, cuddling further into your chest when you lay down with him on top of you. you hand him the little dog plush, pressing a kiss to his head when he takes the gift, hugging it with you. “honey, i’m sorry,” you frown, gently threading your fingers through his short hair, humming the same song bucky sings to you when you can’t get to sleep. it doesn’t take long to lull him into the calmness of rest.

you only wake up when the weight on you is suddenly multiplied, completely taking your breath away, “bucky!-” you exclaim, rolling from underneath him to meet his closed eyes. you shake your head with a light laugh, drawing a strand of hair behind his ear before you press your lips to his cheeks, snuggling in with him again, “sweet dreams, darling,” you murmur, placing the stuffed animal he dropped on your dresser.

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whumpsday · 2 years

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OKAY OKAY WAIT HOLD ON. okay so kane wouldnt be starving, that is correct, but i feel like if seth wanted to force him to watch pumpkin be hurt, he would restrain him Very Well. w lots of silver. so he cant just lunge at him, but instead he has some time to calm down before he makes a horrible mistake! also i just like kane feeding on pumpkin A Lot, so im thinking of ways where he can do that but still be a little starved, and i just thought abt seth literally opening his throat up so the blood flows right out instead of in his tummy..... AND THAT WAY ITD BE A VALID CONCERN OF PUMPKIN'S THAT HE MIGHT GO OVERBOARD IN HIS DESPERATION TO GET SOME BLOOD PROPERLY INTO HIS SYSTEM......

as for the name, im gonna be honest im pretty sure seth would just call him leech. BUT CANDY KANE OMG JDKSKSKSK THATS SO GOOD IM CRYING. ADORABLE. but unfortunately seth wouldnt care enough abt his original name :( WAIT WAIT WAIT I CAN IMAGINE PUMPKIN COMING UP W THAT...... they would absolutely make sure to (very quietly bc fuck if seth heard them he might be rly angry) call him kane all the time so he doesnt feel like his name was taken from him :D i can also imagine pumpkin calling him sir accidentally.

also i have this image of pumpkin falling asleep on kane, or like, in his lap, and kane staying up to watch over them and make sure theyre okay and also make sure to avoid doing anything that could scare them so as not to shatter this new and fragile trust between them..... for some reason it makes me think of someone falling asleep in the embrace of a huge and venomous snake. yes it is safe bc no one would go near the snake. but the snake could also just tighten their body a bit and break bones and kill them :) it makes me cry a little to imagine kane being SO GENTLE w them. so so so gentle.

AND YES OMG PUMPKIN ABSOLUTELY WOULD TEACH HIM,,,, OLD MAN.... hehehehehe they would show him funny and cute pics all the time and let him read stories w them and maybe even let him send some asks- they would show him seth's blog and all the drabbles that were based on their torture w this weird sense of pride. they would hide the ones that were abt kane..... bc they wouldnt wanna make him sad :( or make him relive those :(

jsyk i have been rotating this crossover in my mind literally all day

ooooh seth is SMART.

before kane was with seth he was COMPLETELY starved with zero blood for years, so even with that horrific method, he would still feel grateful for being allowed to feed even a little bit. he would be very, very careful not to take too much.

kane would be touched by pumpkin making an effort to call him his real name, especially since kane hates being called leech and it makes him scared. pumpkin would have to explain what a candy kane is (kane doesn't know human foods) but he would think the nickname is sweet, coming from them. he would ask for their original name to return the gesture, which i assume pumpkin would decline.

pumpkin calling him sir would make him feel GUILTY AS HELL because it just reminds him of how cruel he was to jim. he might even refuse to feed for a day if pumpkin called him sir (assuming he is fed well-enough to not be super desperate, i assume he's like half-starved most of the time with seth)

YESSS PUMPKIN FALLING ASLEEP ON KANE IS SO CUTE.... he would try so so hard to be so so gentle. he's really, really trying to turn over a new leaf and he cares about pumpkin very much. they're his only friend.

kane would love being shown funny & cute pics and reading stories :) he would absolutely NOT be into whump though. he gets enough of that shit irl. he would want to read stuff as far removed as possible, for escapism. he would be kind of disturbed by how pumpkin is proud of the stories about seth torturing them, but he would try not to show it because he doesn't want to upset them. if kane sent asks he could sign with the 🧛 emoji :) i imagine this would be pumpkin's idea, lol

#ask #k&j ask #spk

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normieexclusive · 4 years

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How My MC wins the boys over:

Ah, um, this really went off from the original story line. This was also supposed to be a short simple thing but then I started thinking and two hours later Im left with a bunch of messy notes and thoughts

The first to fall victim is:

Mammon turns out to be easy, literally MC just shows him an ounce of kindness and he takes it and runs.

Unconsciously MC gets much softer around him then the others (A combination of total trust in him and wanting to show how much love he deserves despite his brothers treating him harshly)

hes the one that gets the most kisses, the most hugs, and its great for them at first because they get to make fun of the dumb ass second born getting doted on but some silly little human and (while denying it constantly) loving it.

But then the others start to actually like MC and Mammon can nearly feel the six pairs of eyes glaring him down as his Human showers him with all the affection before going about their day.

(There’s one moment where, while Mammons sitting on the floor and MC is on the bed and he's making fun of one of his brothers that MC just grabs him by the back of his shirt collar- with only a finger- pulls him in between her legs (So his back is to her) and gives him a kiss on the top of his head as she coos "Mammon, be nice to your brothers" and he shuts down for the rest of the day)

Second, but the bestest of friends!:

With Levi its by being a grade A nerd and overthinking.

She reads all of TSL for their big quiz, and watches the movies with Beel and mammon, but on top of that the nerd goes back to the books and starts to annotate everything.

She starts digging for any bit of subtext she can find and jotting down notes in the margins, in her notebook, on sticky notes.

It becomes enough of an issue that she has to buy a new set because the first (Old and used) ones she got off of akuzon are ruined with her messy scrawling.

During the quiz they are evenly matched (if only because shes given such easy questions. Shes pissed but at the same time oh gosh she is really not up to Levis level) and somewhere along the way she just... Goes off about this theory of hers and reading the subtext because she needs to get this out and it seems like Levis the only one that can really keep up with her

(She tried to talk to Mammon and Beel but, honestly, they're as helpful as you'd think)

She forgets about the whole quiz and yanks out her vandalized book in order to debate with Levi about a part. Levi is horrified at the state of her TSL book and nearly goes apeshit right there, but then she shows just how much of a nerd she truly is by showing him the much nicer version she brought along

("And its even signed! Can you believe that! I didn't order a signed one cause they were too expensive but somehow the boxes must have gotten switched up! Ah! Levi! You have a shrine in you're room for them right! You should have these copies, I think you'll take more care of them then I can!")

Whenever they have a conversation its gibberish to everyone around them but they get it and that’s what matters.

(They spend nights just in his room and no one knows what they're doing so they assume the worst. The others always send Levi dirty looks when it happens, and Levi always looks a little more refreshed after every one.

They're having anime/gaming/TSL marathons but Levi lives for the jealousy that rolls off his brothers so hes not telling them anytime soon)

Somewhere starting after her pact with Levi and after the Lucifer/Satan Body switch:

The whole fiasco with Levi actually leads to Satan warming up to her!

He had initially brushed her off as a soon to be Lucifer Lapdog (and also kind of dumb) but now he's interested.

Someone whos capable of dissecting a book like that has to at least have some ability to reason, he just cant figure out if that moment was a fluke or if shes actually smart.

He refuses to start a conversation with her like a normal person and instead resorts to pranking her at every opportunity hoping to see if she’ll think her way out of it (He does leave some hints for when ones about to happen, but gets frustrated when she walks right past them)

It backfires on him tremendously because, somehow, they never seem to work! it goes to the point where it becomes rube goldberg levels of pranks that are always almost-but-not-quite misses because she bent down at just the right time to pick up a shiny rock.

Satan is at his wits end and ready to rip someone apart

his pranks start to extend to the others, it’s only after mammon mentions such that it finally clicks in her...

That same day she willingly walks into a pie in the face and Satan nearly cries.

After he starts to rile her up more often with words. He learns very quickly that she is a fantastic debate partner and, if he can find the right button to push, he’ll get her going for hours as they go back and forth

(And!! Even better!! Not only does she listen to everything he says and waits her turn! But Shes willing to change her opinion when she thinks he has a better point. When she loses She’ll come back hours later to drag more information out of him.

That’s usually not the case though, because Satan finds way too much enjoyment out of playing devils advocate and will simply choose whatever is opposition her POV.

He tried to argue about how she couldn't possibly like a flavor of candy she was eating because he didn't like it and nearly gave her an aneurysm)

(To his complete embarrassment, though, he has gotten hard during one of their debates and nearly lost because she looked fucking amazing as she shouted at him)

A bond that starts right at their first meeting and grows throughout her entire time there:

Beel is scary at first, and Lucifer- for some forsaken reason- made it her job to make sure Beel doesn't clean out the fridge every single day.

Shes scared of the man that seemed more then willing to eat her, but shes more scared of whatever punishment Lucifer would deal if she didn't at least try.

So she goes

It only takes her one run in with Beel and his puppy dog eyes (Because how could she just stop him like that!! How awful of her!!) for her to figure out that

A: this man is harmless and...

B:she knows what hunger pains feel like and the guilt wells up

Still she knows she can let him go so she spends her grimm allowance on buying ingredients to cook with and makes him huge meals as "offerings"

It doesn't always stop him from eating half the fridge, but sometimes it seems like he's willing to actually savor what she makes.

It gives her enough time to save the ingredients for dinner that night. (and If Beel sometimes wanders over to the kitchen while shes watching so shell make something for him, well there’s no harm done

The bastard pavlov dogged her and shes none the wiser)

Slow and steady, the pieces fall into place naturally:

Asmo turns out to be another easy one, to her shock.

Even with MCs jealousy over how stunning Amso looks and how easy it is for him... they just seem to drift to each other

Starts with a comment on Asmos sharp eyeliner one day, and Asmo asking MC what shampoo she uses.

Then the next day the same brand shampoo (And conditioner) will be left outside his door. And after MC will walk into the bathroom first thing in the morning only to wonder whom the fuck applied eyeliner to her in her sleep

It starts with days where they greet each other in the morning, to Stopping to chat for a few moments before heading on with their morning routine, to them walking down together, to Asmo fussing over her disheveled look after just waking up ‘-seriously Asmo not everyone can just roll out of bed like some Demons and look stunning’ - to ‘MC move over a scooch I need more room’ ‘Asmodeus this is my bed’ ‘Well how are we both supposed to fit when its so small!’, to weekly spa days and Gossiping about the others.

Its such an smooth transition that they both feel like it had always been as it was- two friends whispering secrets to each other late at night, pinky promises made over arbitrary things, laying so close that they can feel the others breathing. If maybe he leaned in a little closer they would--

--Oh... She fell asleep again.

And he curls up next to her, blanket wrapped around both of them (That is, until Asmo hogs it later) and sleeps peacefully

A build up of trust, and a moment of venerability that finally knocks down his walls:

Swallows her pride for Lucifer

Its hard to explain in words for her, but she tells him of her family.

A family that is good but dosnt care, that used to leave her alone for hours on end when she was far too young. She says it with a smile too, admits that it helped her become as independent as she was, that she could cook for herself before she was 10.

She tells him of her younger brother. Someone she tried her best to love as much as she could only for him to, one day, just stop talking to her. Years trying to build back an abruptly cut connection only for him to snap one day and change his tune to something much worse. A family that watched as he screamed at her, berated her and never did anything. How she still stood tall, how she swallowed back every tear and tried to talk to him with a steady voice- only for him to become angrier.

How, when he did try to snap at other members, she was always there to stand between them. How she was the one to chase him off or take the yelling despite her family never doing the same for her. How she was the stable rock of the family where no one was for her.

Physical violence was only once, but it was enough for her to know things would never change.

She was like him in a way, same but different.

and She cant bear to see the same thing happen to him.

She wants to help, she knows shes just a little, useless human but please she needs to help. She cant bare leaving another broken family behind without helping. Her life had been stagnate before them, unbearably lonely, and she just wants them to be happy, even if that means without her

even if it means she has to shove her nose where it doesn't belong

So... please... Please... Talk to Belphie. Please. He said he just wants to tal--

(She had earned Lucifer's respect not too long ago, and - to everyone's shock- the revel of what she came upon does not bring upon Lucifer's fury. Instead, he feels a deep understanding that he’ll never say aloud

Shes still going to get lectured, though. But he is too.)

It takes time:

Spends what probably amounted to most of her time in Devildom with that little fu--

(No, No. Belphie needs help, she needs to reel it in for now.)

She gets what it means to be lonely. Despite her distrust of the man who caged up in a place where the bad people are, you know, supposed to be caged up and tutored feels like she needs to do something- if only to make sure he doesn't lose his mind from the isolation.

(Rethinks a lot of her life and how she spent just hiding away from everything. How she would lock her door and never come out unless the sounds of another fight reached her. Thought about how it probably messed her up more then shes willing to admit and refuses to let the same thing happen to him

Oh sweet summer child)

Less trusting of him when its reviled that hes the seventh born, but more willing to help. If only for Beels sake

Brings stuff up to his room, a toy, a fluffy blanket, food that she snagged last minute. He complains hes cold one day and she yanks off her own sweater for him

(It all gets flushed down the toilet when she leaves, he scrubs his skin raw thinking about how his room smells disgustingly like that fucking human now)

And then, one day, it just... changes:

A human stands between him and the fucker that locked him up in there, his brothers that never knew he was there. All of them watching him with such pity in their eyes and he didnt want it- he didnt want their p-

The door was unlocked.

He was free.

Just like that.

it made no sense. He learns that they-- She-- spent hours dancing around Diavolo, deals were made. A room where it was just her and The Prince of Hell, promises not even Lucifer knew (And some part of Belphie relished in the fact that it was eating away at the fucker)

("All those hours shouting at each other paid off” She looks to Satan with a smile. A joke he was not privy to. Lucifer huffed but said nothing.

How much had changed since he was locked up?)

A slow, downward spiral

They're never alone, someone is always with her or with him (Beel sticks to his side like glue. after so long he finally gets to sleep next to his brother again)

He finds food in the fridge with the words “For Beel <3″ in this awful chicken scratch handwriting. Mammon’s screaming interrupts his naps one day and he wakes up to see her smothering the second born in kisses. Her shouting wakes him up as her and Satan pass, her voice becoming high pitched as they argue about... the number of toes humans are supposed to have???? (she sits down next to him and rips off her shoes in a fit of rage, demanding that Belphie count with her because what the fuck-

Satan sneers at her feet and tells the only actual toes are her two big ones, the rest are just digits.)

There’s traces of her everywhere. Layers of clothing haphazardly thrown about after a day at RAD and then neatly placed away. A mention of her name at the dinner table before shes there. Not even his and beels room is safe from her- he can smell her scent on Beels pillow. Faint, but a awful reminder of the human down the hall.

He hates it, he wants to throw it all away. He wants to erase her memory from his home, he wants to ripe her apa--

A blanket is draped over him one day, and he cant bring himself to open his eyes to see who did it...

She talks to him, Or more like at him. The longer he stays freed the harder is it to hide his distaste towards Humanity and- especially- to her. He thinks shes dense, because he knows his brothers sense there’s something wrong (Levis tail wraps around her when hes too close, Lucifer stands between them, Amso pulls her by the waist. Close to him, further from belphie) But she doesn't. She pushes closer. She asks him questions.

She never touches him, one small blessing in Hell.

Beel believes him when he bashfully admits one night that he may start to enjoy his time spent with human. And for a moment he feels guilty about the lie but its all for a greater goal

When its just the three of them, Beel leaves for a moment too long. To get snacks, to grab something from another room, it doesn't matter. This was the moment he waited for.

She smiles at him, all kind and gentle (And the words that leave her lips are unheard through the blood rushing through his ears) and leans forward

He puts his hands around her neck

She goes limp.

He-

He needed to-

He couldn’t squeeze.

Beel comes back with the biggest grin on his face, arms full of snacks (”Here MC I got your favorite”) He sits on the opposite side of Belphie, leaning into him with enough weight that his own shoulder presses against MCs, mushing her against the wall.

Despite her smile he can feel her shaking.

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theplumsoldier · 5 years

Text

PREMIERE NIGHT

Request: Anonymous asked: So if you have time and motivation and like my prompt could you write a fic where y/n joins the Avengers cast to play young Black Widow maybe? and she’s in her early 20s but she’s got this massive crush on Chris Evans but is too proud to make the first move because she’s scared of rejection but he likes her too, and then there’s a party with all MCU members - maybe the Oscars or A4 premiere afterparty, where they get drunk and make out in front of everybody and then maybe smut ensues? Please xx

A/N: i cant see endgame until tuesday i hate myself. the people tagged are from various captain america or chris evans taglists of mine, hope none that did not want to be tagged were and if so, feel free to dm me so i can remove you from the list (:

Pairing: chris evans x reader

Word count: 2478

Warnings: smut, explicit scenes, vulgar language.

His admiration for you was enormous and quite difficult to describe. Before the fourth and final Avengers movie, you had only ever done small theatrical shows and minor close to dispensable roles, so when you were cast to play a young version of Black Widow it was utterly impressive you came and stole the show with your undeniable skills, even if your overall screen time was just about 10 minutes.

However, even with no more than little screen time, you had to undergo an insane training program and take ballet classes—even if that had been your own decision. Your dedication to make your time worth was evident and you took all the advice you could, always listening to directors and coworkers to make the best of your performance. This was one of those “once in a lifetime opportunities” people always spoke about and considering you had never attended any acting schools for it was a miracle you had even landed the role, and at the ripe age of 23.

Set was amazing in spite of the long hours as the dynamic was beyond magical. There was no question whether these guys were professionals, which should have put you off and feel a tad out of place, only they never failed to make you feel part of the MCU family—one man in particular.

It was nonsensical to think just two years ago you had been at the verge of giving up on acting and went to carry on the family business. The flower boutique had always been like a second home but in your final years of school, you had sworn if you were to spend another minute in that godforsaken place you would blow it up and your head with it.

Now instead with no hands nor brains in your ablaze childhood home, you stood with a drink in your hand and a huge grin on your face, greeting Scarlett Johansson for the first time since your last on-set encounter.

“So, what will our next movie be?” asked she and you grinned at her overt hint.

"Well, Feige has yet to turn down a Black Widow solo, soo. . .” responded you, dragging out the ‘so’ for obvious reasons. Nudging her lightly, you earned a laugh and she lifted her hands as if to say “one never might know,” but her sparkly eyes told you otherwise. One might know. “You have no idea how nervous I was when my faced showed up on that screen.”

“Oh, you had no reason to be,” dismissed Scarlett with a wave of the hand. “This is about the best family you could have landed yourself in.”

“I know that now! But, you know, the fans are so dedicated and I figured that would mean either they would love my portrayal, or like—absolutely fucking hate it, you know?” chuckled you nervously and sipped from your drink, eyes scanning across the room.

Scarlett laughed, “well, all I have to say is that I’m glad about the casting director’s choice, getting a new face. I cannot tell you who you were up against, but—trust me when I say, you trumped her in every way.”

Your eyes lit up with both joy and curiousness. “Oh, now you have to tell me!”

Hours had passed and you had never been showered with more compliments and good wishes in your entire life, the fact that they all came from successful personas made you think this was not the last the world had seen of you.

On several occasions had you had your shot at doing something about the immense crush you had on the infamous man of your dreams, however, both worry, perturbation and pride took away what courage the alcohol had built up the entirety of the evening. All you had ever managed to come up with, was your gratitude which was more modest than self-assured as your usual kind of flirting would sound.

Your weak knees and flushed skin was nothing that made you wonder; you knew very well why you were vulnerable to such, and you could only think that the man exposing you to the affection, knew it as well. At least, when your cheeks would burn red at his comments or touch, he seemed pleased with himself.

It was an unusual feel and one you did not like much, contrary to the butterflies fighting in your stomach telling you otherwise. His mere voice took away what confidence was only habitual to your customary tone and the scrunch of his nose when he would laugh never failed to take away your breath. The stunning suit he was clad in assured that even if you managed to hide your uncertain stance, you would show in other ways and some that made you shift just a bit too often. How you should have worn a pantsuit rather than a dress.

Some had kids and some had families, others had varying excuses but the truth was you had nothing awaiting you at home. You did not even have a home to return to for you were going straight back to your hotel after this. However, you did not mind, the thought of sharing a life with someone was nice, surely, only the truth was you did not long to leave. The night had been filled with such happiness, which to you was not wonted; how could you want to leave that behind? If so, it was for the reason to take care of your untamed amorous state.

Troubled with your own thoughts, you had yet to recognize it had been Chris to move beside you until he spoke up.

“No one to go home to?”

You could recognize the kindness in his eyes anywhere. With a soft chuckle, your finger traced the stem of the wine glass and blinked at him. “That should only be if room service's waiting for me. If not, then sadly, no.”

His eyes glistened in the dim lightening from the bar, the bright ones behind his head contributing to the lit glory hovering above him. With a smile, Chris sat down, the halo vanishing as he did. “You’re still checked in on the hotel?”

Nodding in affirmation, you raised the glass to meet your lips, your eyes never leaving his blue ones. It was funny how they seemed prettier than ever in this uncertain state. Against common sense and acumen, your judgment decided upon speaking freely, picking what topic you never would have thought yourself to feel confident enough to. Whether it was because you had had enough of being lonely or it simply was the alcohol taking a toll on you, allowing more candidness than needed, you did not know. However, you felt a sudden urge and the words escaped.

“You know I like you, right?”

Chris’ face remained its joyous, laid back look, only the corner of his mouth puckering up. He could not say he was surprised. At least not with your admitted feelings, however, your frankness was something else. Undeniably, he was aware and saying those particular feelings were not reciprocated, would be about the fattest lie of the evening.

“You only say that because you’re drunk.”

“Yes,” drawled you and confessed. “It’s still true though. I shouldn’t have drunk this much.”

“You have been nervous tonight—why?” wondered Chris, thinking of the observation of the night. Whenever spoken, talked or even as little as share momentary eye contact from opposites sides of the room, you had taken another sip from your glass.

With a sudden puff of discomfort, you felt all the more self-conscious. Now, this was awkward.

“I haven’t. Or I have—but, uh. . .” You had no idea how to respond, and from his insoluble expression and soft, awaiting eyes you were forced to find the right words. “I’m not usually like this. Drunk—I, it’s really your fault—”

“That you’re drunk?”

“No—that’s my poor sagacity. You make me nervous,” divulged you, not finding the courage in you to look up for the reaction you so longed for. Instead, your head fell back, sucking in a deep breath and you found him through the corner of your eye. “I guess I wanted to build up the courage to. . . I don’t know, I was afraid this was the last time I would see you.”

“Nonsense. You’re in the Marvel-family now—”

“I know, I know and it’s great, I just—I really like you.”

Silence imbued, the tension you felt pent up completely locking out any signs of the ongoing party behind you. Good thing you were sat on a stool otherwise you might just have fallen to the ground as you knees were about as weak as your sense of vaunt. This man shot you all the way back to your high school years and for making you all hot and bothered, you tried to convince you did not like him. But truly, what was there not to like. With a heart of gold and always decent presentation, sense of humor and bearing soul, he was the one.

“So if I kissed you right now, you would not mind?”

One of your eyebrows bounced in surprise and Chris stifled his chuckle, how glorious you looked tonight. “Right here?”

Giving you no time to contemplate, he leaned in and in a split-second, your lips were connected in a sweet kiss. Being what you had only ever dreamed of, you melted under his enchantment. He tasted sweet and fresh, his cologne lingering to your nostrils and you could only worry of what strong liquor he might sense. But it did not make him stop and careless to what eyes might lurk from behind, he pulled you closer by the neck and parted his lips, deepening the kiss. At his touch, his large hand forcing you closer to him, you hummed into his mouth, reaching up to rest your hand by his beard as you allowed his tongue to dance with your own. Sweet with a pinch of sourness, you lost track of time and only departed when you had completely abated the intensity of your surroundings.

Retreating, you distanced yourself with only a minuscule amount of space left between you, catching your breath.

“Perhaps this is not the best place to do this,” admitted you, a grin playing on your lip and a glimpse flashed in your eye.

“So we leave then,” proposed he and stood up, almost to fast and your eyes grew big for a moment, knowing what he implied. Was this real?

Holding out his hand, you did not hesitate for more than what seconds the stun took and you were then on your way. Pace steady and moderate, something you could keep up with in your heels and you held your head down as you exited and cameras flashed. Out of instinct, you went to retrieve your hand, thinking Chris, too, was not keen on being seen like this. But he did not let go. His grip even tightened and casting a fleeting look across his shoulder, he offered you a sincere smile.

Up in your hotel room, little time was left to settle or even wriggle out of your dress, for the second the door was closed, your lips were once again touching. Chuckling to yourself, you were pleased to know you had not been the only one longing for this moment.

Reaching behind to fondle with the zipper, you managed to pull it down and with the help of Chris, you were freed from its clutching grip on you. Pooling down by your feet, Chris' hands slid up the backside of your legs. On his knees, he peppered kisses, trailing up, closer and closer to your sex, ensuring you would drip the second he removed your panties.

With a final flicker of his eyes, he found you watching him closely with soft and lustful eyes, bottom lip tugged between your teeth and how the pleasure pulled at your features only made him harder in his pants. Taking the encouraging hum you emitted as consent, he rid you of the remaining garment. Licking his lips, he pushed you back to sit on the bed and adored the sight of you. So wet and all for him.

Moving his hands back down your legs, Chris lifted them over his shoulders and dug right in between your legs. His tongue blending with you arousal was enough to elicit a dulcet sound from you, moan after moan escaping as he took care of you.

His facial hair nuzzling where you were most sensitive as he licked long strokes, draining you from what you could offer, you knew he would have you shaken in a matter of seconds. Aching for more friction, his hand came to the rescue, thump grazing past your clit, earning an upward thrust from your hips. His other hand came around you and retiring for just a moment you bucked up to find what sensation had become vague, but when he inserted two fingers in you, the wait was worth it.

At a modest pace he began, just enough pleasure for you to adjust to his two fingers pumping in and out of your cunt, and when first the velocity increased, Chris’ tempo was adequate to make you cum hard right then and there.

The room resonated with your moans and you had to cover your mouth in order to quiet yourself, slightly embarrassed he had you wrapped around his finger like that. But soon his hand removed your own, wanting to hear you more than anything, desperate to hear what he did to you. It had been all too long since he felt this powerful and you gave him everything you wanted by allowing him to eat you like to the likeness of a starving animal. The vibrations, the shameless, guttural groans, the tremors—it was all in the mix of pushing you over the edge and your clawing in his hair as he continued drawing moans from you.

Upon your culmination, you finally released on his tongue, mellow same as wanton sounds escaping you in the process. Riding out your orgasm, you ground your sex against him, pulsating around his fingers and when you finally came down from your high, but Chris did not yield. Continuing, he merciless rammed into you, groaning loudly at the feel of you clenching around his fingers.

Cleaning you with his mouth, Chris relished in your juices and first then he parted from you, only to stand tall before you and his hands fiddled with his black tie. Dark eyes and glinting beard, loosened knot and then the sound of his belt clanging rang in your ears. He nodded down at you, a desiring shade peaking behind the blue in his eyes. “Turn around for me.”

TAGLIST: @patzammit @derekxsammy @woodworthti666 @littledeadrottinghood @littlemissirish @figure8ght @metalarmlover @athiestangel @ihclipse @denzmallows @crist1216 @tinageekandtraveler @mustbeaweasleyginger @feysandmaraudersdramatic @marshyymello @astrid345 @schilj79 @idiosadeoro @justtrynasurvivelife @pixiehex1985 @writing-parker @exuberantqueer @sodonutnutnut @lilymdonaldson

#chris evans #chris evans smut #captain america #captain america smut #chris evans imagine #captain america imagine #avengers #avengers smut #the avengers smut #the avengers #avengers endgame #endgame #theplumsoldier #marvel imagines

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maximuswolf · 4 years

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Entity encounter: Satan or Eblis? Was i being lied to or tested for initiation? via /r/satanism

Entity encounter: Satan or Eblis? Was i being lied to or tested for initiation?

I was wondering if spirits lie to test you as an initiation or something. I will try to make this short so i’ll leave out some details even though might be important but I need help and want more people to read. Ik this is long but BEFORE YOU SKIP KNOW THAT I NEED YOU SO JUST SKIM THRU.

One day I was sitting on my laptop without any background in magick other than the youtube channel mind and magick and LoA. At that time i was at my lowest point in life and have released myself from religious beliefs being very disappointed kn how it repressed my emotions about sex etc... suddenly every hair on my body stands up from fear the room turn red (i dont remember if it was my minds eye or actually turned red) and on my left an entity made itself known as the devil. At that time i didnt know that satan, eblis and lucifer are different. So it just telepathically identified itself as the “devil”. Paralyzed from fear I couldn’t face it to see it. I knew back then from what my family told me that we have been cursed with black magick as we found sigils and voodoo bag things stuffed in our couch at home. Arabic djinn magick. But I didnt remember that during this. I was having a belief crisis because of religion and the abusive ways my parents raised me and i fought very heavily with them on the phone with pure rage and anger. The entity spoke telepathically not with words but with just “knowing”, you just know what it says without hearing words. It showed me being surrounded by women and drugs of my choice not sure tho about the next part—> being in a gang or a secret society also being a rapper. Which were things aside from being a gang member were all things i believed would make me really happy and didnt want much from life other than that. I asked...”you want my soul for that?” The entity said “No i want you to abandon your family and never speak to them again because they are Narcisists who just want you dependent/weak/fucked in general.” (Which is untrue but due to long isolation and negative thinking researching psychology: Trauma, personality disorders, repression etc... he framed it in a way which it all seemed true and clicked). I was going to take the offer 99.9% due to the shitty state i was in. I was even ready to sell my soul if it was the case just for some relief. He said “ God has always hated you, he wants you mentally ill, he made you date borderline women to crush your heart, he wrote down your life script from start to finish with nothing more than agony.” I suffered from depression like legit depression since i was a kid for no reason. “This depression god gave you will never go away. I can change all that and if you dont take my offer you will stay fucked for the rest of your life because you cant make it on your own”....Now I am a Leo sun sign, Rising and ascendant so pride and ego are my middle name. With my hands paralyzed with fear i managed to raise my left hand giving him the finger! I said “Can’t do it on my own? Watch me! Fuck you!” He said “you couldve just refused the offer but because you insulted my majesty watch whats going to happen to you.”

My best friend for 9 years who was my girl friend for a while said she went into a weird psychological state and married someone she knows only for 3 months while we were together. She was madly inlove with him then after the ceremony she realized she wasnt and that he doesnt either. I went into psychosis twice hospitalized.

Now the doctors call it psychosis but it was exactly what people called kundalini awakening as it was euphoric and I felt divine and saw that seperation was an illusion and I was getting downloads and when i went to take a walk And looked around and saw ads and technology I was like... this is the devil’s work. We are being hijacked psychologically to be a battery to the system we call society and goverment.... now spirits could talk to me through giving me thoughts but they were in my own voice. I didnt know that this is how it worked so djinn deceived me and fucked the whole experience up getting me arrested and put in the hospital for trespassing into a mall thinking i’ll meet my creator in an elevator like the song lyrics i was listening to said to me taking it as a “sign” to go into the building and that someone was waiting for me there... enlightenment or paychosis there were definitely some delusions. I also believed 100% this is a computer simulation that was created so that god(me) can be channeled through the technology spiritually and experience being a human. Anyways 2 years later i’m deep into magick but not much of practicing until recently because i want to break the curse mostly but i realized from reading that all the information i received in my so called psychosis were all in occult books and things secret societies have kept secret. During my paychosis i was guided by angels and lucifer the whole time. It took me time to trust lucifer because i thought that lucifer is the devil and shouldnt be trusted. He never lies tho. He even felt bad for me because i was in the hospital against my will. So hes like... want some fresh air? Im like please. He said let me possess you. I was like fuck it. And he was just manipulating reality and ppls actions im ways i was able to go through 2 security doors and eacape the hospital at 11:00 pm when all the doors were completely locked! So i believe its not mental illness and it was scary yes. Fucked up my life for years yes. But i feel that shit wasnt punishment... it was the best gift I ever received. Now i enter altered states easily. I read tarot like im the fucking god oracle. I do magick that works. I became a god.

Submitted November 02, 2020 at 09:51AM by HavokMage via reddit https://ift.tt/2HSO1E6

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sologxlaxies · 6 years

Text

💖 tag game 💖

I was tagged by: the incredibly talented @avengersandchill 💕 (btw this took me forever so I’m sorry)

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

last 1. drink - infused water with rosemary and orange slices in it 2. phone call - my mom 3. text message - @buckysinthesinbin 4. song you listened to - Won’t Live Here by Daniel Caesar (I just danced to this song in my contemporary class and I am legitimately in tears because I got emotional AF) 5. time you cried - Like, two hours ago

ever 6. dated someone twice? - yes 7. kissed someone and regretted it - nope 8. been cheated on - no 9. lost someone special - yes 10. been depressed - yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - NEVER! I pride myself on it ahaha

fave colours 12. pastel pink / peach 13. pale blue 14. yellow

in the last year have you… 15. made new friends - yes 16. fallen out of love - OH BOY YES I HAVE 17. laughed until you cried - of course 18. found out someone was talking about you - yep 19. met someone who changed you - yes 20. found out who your friends are - kinda?? I guess 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - ew, no.

general 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all of them 23. do you have any pets - a cat that I share with @buckysinthesinbin 24. do you want to change your name - NEVER 25. what did you do for your last birthday - Threw a dinner party and then went dancing 26. what time did you wake up today - 5 am (do not recommend) 27. what were you doing at midnight last night -trying to sleep, probably 28. what is something you cant wait for - signing the lease on my new apartment 30. what are you listening to right now - Frozen by Sabrina Claudio (this girl has the voice of an ANGEL) 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - Not that I remember... there is a Thomas though 32. something thats getting on your nerves - People being rude to someone who’s serving them 33. most visited website - idk, tumblr maybe 34. hair colour - dark brown with a hint of red 35. long or short hair - medium (it’s finally growing guys!) 36. do you have a crush on someone - nope (FINALLY) 37. what do you like about yourself - that I’m kind 38. want any piercings? - nope 39. blood type - A+ 40. nicknames - Sof, Sofi, Sofa... @buckysinthesinbin calls me all sorts of things but I could make a list 41. relationship status - single AF 42. zodiac - Leo 43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - 45. tattoos - I have three! 46. right or left handed - right 47. ever had surgery - yup, not fun 48. piercings - nope 49. sport - watching: figure skating lmao , doing: dance + yoga + boxing 50. vacation - want to: Australia, because It’, going s the one continent I haven’t visited to: EUROPE TO VISIT THESE TWO LADIES@@buckysinthesinbin @wordsturnintostories , have been to: it’s a long list... I’d say about 29 (I made a list) 51. trainers - huh?

more general 52. eating - A sandwich 53. drinking - water 54. i’m about to watch - Nothing, I’m going to bed 55. waiting for - my trip to Europe 56. want - to find a new apartment before my landlord kicks me out in April 57. get married - HA! Is this a joke? 58. career - who tf knows? (not me, that’s for sure)

which is better 59. hugs or kisses - DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE? 60. lips or eyes - eyes 61. shorter or taller - taller 62. older or younger - older 63. nice arms or stomach - agagin, do I have to choose? 64. hookup or relationship - relationship 65. troublemaker or hesitant - both? idk

have you ever 66. kissed a stranger - nope 67. drank hard liquor - yes 68. lost glasses - yeah 69. turned someone down - yes 70. sex on first date - no 71. broken someones heart - yeah... that’s still kind of fresh 72. had your heart broken - all the damn time 73. been arrested - no 74. cried when someone died - yes 75. fallen for a friend - unfortunately (see question 72)

do you believe in 76. yourself - I’m trying 77. miracles - yeah, I guess 78. love at first sight - lust at first sight, yes 79. santa claus - nope 80. kiss on a first date - depends 81. angels - eeeh, kinda

other 82. best friend’s name - Ella, Sophia, Zeba, Nicole, Maria 83. eye colour - dark brown 84. fave movie - WINTER SOLDIER! 85. fave actor - SEBASTIAN STAN OWNS MY SOUL

#tag game

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cutegirlmayra · 7 years

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Do you know that thing where people say if you ignore a guy they'll notice you more? Do you think you could do a prompt of someone telling Amy that and she attempts it on Sonic, only to take it too far and have Sonic go in a downward spiral of longing?

(x)

I’m gonna have way too much fun with this one.

Prompt:

“So… that’s it?”

Amy pulled her sweater down from the hands that were in it’s pockets, her eyes sharp as the sheer cold around them.

Sonic looked up to her, but his eyes showed a silent regret.

She pursed her lips, holding back tears before turning away from him, letting some breath go to attempt to release the tension that held in her chest.

She looked to the blanketed sky above her, longing for more, but hoping for less.

“I see….” she tried to kick the ground but ended up stomping on it a few times, unable to hold her true emotions back.

Finally, her face creased and she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore. “Darn it!” she turned back to him, throwing her hands out in a clear mature tantrum. “You cant’ just push me away like this! What about the others?! Tails, Knuckles… even Cream!” she gestured behind her, before kicking at last some spraying snow up to just reach his knees as he looked away.

He held his head low but there was no sign of shame.

She continued to breath hard, before her body swung side to side and she dipped lower and lower to the ground before gripping her head and springing back up again.

“Sonic-!!!…. I love you!”

He closed his eyes as she watched the air from his nose steam out like a backwards pipe.

“Amy… if what Eggman said was true… then I don’t have much time.” he turned back to her, his eyes fixated on the mission at hand.

She’ll have to wait for a better explanation.

“So that’s it?! Take on the whole world and leave your friends behind, is that it?! Run away and only come back on weekends!?” She gestured out to nowhere, but clearly meant the world, though it seemed to not want to be involved in this lover’s quarrel.

“This isn’t about just me, Amy!” He finally got emotion, at least, somewhat. With justified rage, he swung his arm out, cutting her time to speak off and starting his own…

“I have to hunt down Eggman. If he’s planning what he said he is, then I don’t want any of you involved!”

“You still think we’re not good enough on our own? Somehow… we’re still weak and fragile to you.. aren’t we?” she held in a small, cold choke inside her throat.

Sonic could see her swallowing.

It gave him some confidence that he was winning.

“I’m sorry, Amy… but I care too much about your safety. Everyone stays.” he stated this as if it was final.

“…Everyone… gets left behind.”

That cut deeper into Sonic’s heart than she may ever know.

He saw her suddenly look up, soak in the melting snow to calm her heated face, and looked back.

He let his shoulders rest, tightening his fist.

“You act like it’s over.”

There was a sudden gust in the chilling wind…

Her eyes remained cold… but still glossy from her tears she withheld.

“…Are you going to stare at me forever?” he started to turn away, not waiting for a response.

He knew if she spoke, she’d regret whatever last words she’d say.

But they wouldn’t be her last.

Not yet.

“Sonic!”

He looked behind his shoulder, still remaining strong.

Still remaining a hero.

There eyes locked for what seemed to the both of them.. an eternity of confessing love at last sight.

“…I’ll always be waiting for you… I won’t turn around. I won’t look away… I’ll stand right here… until I can’t see an inch of you in the snow.”

There was something strong and powerfully enduring in those words.

Sonic’s eyes scanned hers one last time, taking in every word they secretly, though loudly bore.

His own eyes softened, his mouth opened to reveal some heavy breathes, before he forced himself to look away…

And never returned.

——-

Amy waited on some tables, taking notes and skating off into the back room to dodge other waitresses rollerblading around.

“Two more, Joe.” she happily dinged the bell before a woman scooted over with a wireless, brick like phone.

“It’s your brother, dear.” she smacked her gum in her mouth and skated away with her hands still up as if carrying two phones.

Amy watched before wondering what she meant, and took the phone up to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Heh, brother? Again, thrilled to be your emergency contact, but brother?”

“You’ve always been my little bro, Tails.” Amy smiled, happy to hear his sarcasm hadn’t faded.

“I know you’re working, but you’ve gotta come see this.”

“Is it really important? Last time you said that, the plane’s ‘new’ engine almost exploded.” she snickered.

“Almost.” Tails reminded her, “Slight miscalculation on fuel gauges. Rookie mistake.”

“At this stage, you shouldn’t be calling yourself a rookie!” Amy teased, leaning against the wall and fiddling with her gloves, pulling them up a little to pinch at the space it created for her now ducked fingers.

“Amy…. It’s-”

Amy had already raced down the street, her coat flying over her waitress uniform and skates thrown onto the street’s pavement.

“About Sonic.”

Charging into an emergency room, the team was already gathered.

Cream was attending what looked to be a wearied Sonic, bruised up and aged considerably.

“He came in and collapsed like that. Saying he needed to see us all again.” Tails mournfully spoke, taking his engineering hat down that a train station had offered him.

He agreed to work there, only because getting a license at flying was over way too easily.

Aced every exam.

Knuckles was refined, as usual. Hands on his now slender hips and his chest widened with exercise and proper eating habits.

The Chaos on Angel Island would miss him soon… including Rouge…

Cream had on her school uniform, but tenderly dipped his cloth back into the cool water with both hands, then reached on her tippi-toes to lay it across his forehead.

Any slowly moved closer.

Like a high definition movie… she noticed every change, every slight feature that had grown into this beautiful man.

His breaths were shallow… but each one clung at her heart.

“He wanted to see us…” Tails continued, but seemed to repeat himself out of worry.

“…All?” Amy breathed out at last, holding her hands back, wanting to reach out and feel if he was real.

His spines… they’ve created a deeper shade of blue that matched more of the heaven’s skyline.

Would they still feel the same? Or were they smoother? Softer to the touch? Or harder than before because of all the fighting?

Non-stop fighting… only the universal radio would spark to life with any such news of his daring fleets or heroic actions against Eggman deciding to stay on the move and not stick around one spot for too long.

Of course, wherever Eggman went, Sonic followed, trailing after him as devotedly as Amy once did for him.

Once…

Had he changed at all since then?

Her mind wrapped around the memory as if suffocating her into a soft blanket of warm tears, before releasing her into the frigged air of that awful morning.

Suddenly, his eyes flickered.

She stepped back in a light gasp, her eyes scanned the whites and then a deep… piercing green.

“…I have to go.”

Why was she suddenly running?

“Amy..?”

Tails turned to watch her go, before Knuckles shook his head.

“She’s seen enough.”

“What do you mean?” Tails turned back to him, a perfect distraction for her to make her escape.

But why?

Resentment.

After so many years of painfully waiting for him… her love had iced over to bitterness. Cold enough to sting you at first touch.

She came to check on him.

Nothing more.

Cream almost ran out after her, “Miss Amy!” she cried before her hands shot back to her chest and held each other as if making sure her own heart didn’t break.

“A..” Sonic started to come too.

“Amy…?”

——-

Head held low, she shoved her hands back in her coat pockets. Black pavement of pebbled roads suddenly were the most fascinating things to her.

She couldn’t get the helplessness of how he laid there in what only could be interpreted as a painful agony… before she was relieved at the memory of him waking up.

‘He’d be okay. He’s back now. But I’m sure he won’t stay long.’ Her heart told her so many times to quit it. To stop being a baby about it.

But she couldn’t help the slight snowfall in her heart. As if that day never heated over into spring.

Remained winter.

Remained frozen in her mind.

A gust of wind made her stop and cover herself, before she knew the second she opened her eyes, and withdrew her hands, she would see him again.

“Hello.”

It sounded charming enough.

“Aren’t you gonna say something back?”

She conceded to the darkness, agreeing with it to stay and keep her eyes shut.

She moved to the side, and started to walk on. Feeling her way with the tap of her feet to be sure of their placement, she began to slowly make her way passed the voice.

“…H-huh?”

Puzzlement.

Maybe he would get bored and leave her a-

“Hey! You! With the silence only a mother could love.” he tried to kid, and she could hear his feet pacing after her.

No.

Don’t tease me.

No more games.

“…Amy?”

She opened her eyes and looked down at the dirty ground that shifted immediately to concrete.

Stepping up the side walk, she lowered her arms and promised herself to advance.

She suddenly heard the footsteps pause and come to a striding halt… which gave her confidence to speed walk faster.

“Amy.”

It was too tender. To pleading for her to stop her dumb act.

He must of known how much she longed to see him again.

“…I thought you said you’d never look away.”

Then it hit her.

She was a woman of her word… after all.

Her head shot up and immediately, she obeyed her heart’s true desire.

She turned around, but didn’t look at him.

Slowly, she strained herself to let go of her stubbornness and pride… and almost darn near melted at the sight of his spring eyes on hers.

It was like he always lived in spring.

Like his eyes… never experienced winter before.

“Aren’t you surprised to see me?” He moved his arms out and tipped a toe up, inviting her into what he knew she wanted.

She was firmly held solid to the ground. As if figurative iced had latched her spirit and wouldn’t allow her to move.

She breathed… and that was all.

Almost awestruck by his perfect features, flawless smile, and even those enchanting eyes…

With the sudden flight of worry in them, she noticed him lower his hands and straighten himself out.

“….You still mad about what happened?” He concluded, and the word ‘mad’ didn’t sit right with her in that sentence.

No. She wasn’t mad.

Bitter.

“I have to go to work.” she stated, as if making up an excuse could help her any.

She couldn’t move.

His face suddenly sang a thousand sorrows.

“…Oh.” he tilted his eyes down.

She suddenly felt her heart leap out of her throat, “How’d you get those… wounds.” it came out like a gushing waterfall.

She thought she had frosted over everything.

Guess his eyes melted her streams… just slightly.

His eyebrows leaped up as he suddenly rose his head, and smirked.

She was letting him win again… and for some reason…

That annoyed her.

She looked away, jutting an arm out to swing and hit her side as if scolding herself.

‘I just care too much.’ she told herself.

“Yeah, a pretty gruesome fight.” he looked himself over, “Can you believe this is the handiwork of five Metal Sonics?” he grinned and looked back at Amy.

That same smile… it was like his whole face was the sun, and she was allowing herself to be basked in it’s rays…

She was melting.

And she could feel her hard ground suddenly smoothing out.

As frozen seeds started to crack open their shells.

“That’s terrible.” she spoke out quickly, and with a jagged second wind, she pivoted and started rushing down the sidewalk in a hurried step of paced footwork.

“I have to go.”

“Amy?”

“Goodbye!” she suddenly dashed, surprising Sonic as he reached out for her.

“Wait!”

“I’m done with that!” she hollered out, as tears started to stream down her face, her heart’s memory locked on better times, but her brain trapped in endless snow fall.

A blizzard suddenly.

Her sorrow turned to even greater resistance.

“Just leave me alone!”

She felt the slightly brush of a hand that had moved at lightning speeds to stop her, but with her sudden last breath, it had frozen as quickly as her memory upon that snowy day so many years ago…

—-

She waited on more tables.

Suzy Q handed her a tray and pointed to a table where the tip of a solid black cowboy hat was peeking the back of it over the station.

Amy nodded, moving her head a little more to see who the stranger was, before skating over to give him his hamburger and fries.

The figure was deeply covered in black, and some faint blue…

“Will that be all, sir?” she setted the table with more napkins and dusted herself off, taking the empty ketchup bottle and removing a fresh one from her apron’s pockets and placing it down in it’s place.

“Yeah.” the voice coughed a moment, “How about a milkshake?”

“What kind?” She smiled, sweet as usual.

“…Got anything you like?” his hat tilted just slightly, but only a paige muzzle was seen.

His smile caught her attention, but she shook it off with a shake of her head. “Yeah. My favorites have to be plain vanilla or strawberry. Oh! There’s a nice chief in the back. He makes me a vanilla one with whole strawberries dipped in it! Hehe~ I know that sounds silly,… you can’t slurp up whole strawberries, but I love it all the same! I pick them out as I go, using a fork or spoon to hassle them out and straight into my mouth! Haha!” she had been nominated as Employee of the Month for selling a menu item like that.

She had a way of charming even the grumpiest of men into one of her favorite dishes.

“….” The stranger seemed to pause, taking her personality in before nodding his head and dipping his hat down. “I’ll take that then.”

Something was off in his voice. It was like he was purposefully trying to grumble.

She nodded, not judging a book by it’s cover.

After all, they tipped the best!

“Sure thing, sir! Right away! And don’t you wait one more minute for a refill on fries either! It’s on me~” she kicked her leg up and winked, before attempting to fly off towards the kitchen.

The stranger was still…

He suddenly pulled a hand to his chest and she noticed it slide up to his face, covering his eyes…

“…Sir?”

“I’m fine.” he coughed again, this time, into his mouth. “I’ll take your milkshake.”

She tilted her head in concern, but she moved nevertheless for him.

Returning back, she placed the milkshake down, skiding to a halt and putting her hands on her waist in triumphant.

“Before the fries got cold!” she cheered herself, as the man had his hands up together, and for a moment, was using them to lean forward over his food on.

“Take a seat then.” he gestured in front of him.

Amy made a puzzled look, and looked at the chair.

“Pardon?”

“Pardoned. Now… sit.” he gestured again.

“Oh, but I’m not really allowed to-” she hugged the tray under her arm, holding it as though a shield, and feeling an odd vibe around this guy.

She waved her hand out before he sated once again, pounding his fist to the table slightly, “Sit.”

She did so, almost immediately, before her cheeks puffed up at letting him scare her.

“Hey! I’m not one to bully around, sir!” she glared, before he leaned foward on his joined, intertwined hands again.

“You seem like a nice girl.” he suddenly stated, making Amy grow nervous with some slight chilly sweat coming down her face.

“Let me ask you something.”

“I’d rather you not.” she muttered, lowering her head and placing her tray down on her lap.

He flicked his hat slightly, but still no sign of a face.

“Why aren’t you married yet? A sweet miss like yourself.”

“…You aren’t coughing anymore.”

Startled, the figure suddenly leaned back and coughed into his hand.

“Something’s not right about you.” Amy narrowed her eyes, squinting before leaning forward.

“You’re clearly not from around here…” she played the western very well, and pretended to be holding him down with her men on standby, a wild west sheriff’s roughnecked daughter.

She suddenly embodied it, and kicked her feet up on the side of the table.

This caught the man off guard… as her pink leg covered his field of vision.

“I ‘aught to string you up for even daring to ask a woman about her past.” she put her hands behind her back, taunting him and getting herself ruffled out of being scared of him.

“What’s all that for? You crushing or something?”

“…Heh.” he ducked his head down, as if amazed by her guts.

“You’re fearless, aren’t you?” he grinned, and suddenly his voice rang a bell.

She broke her character… and slowly lowered her feet down and removed her relaxed hands.

He laughed into his hand, trying to hide it, but couldn’t.

It was signature.

It was spring.

“Only if you promise to tighten the knot, darlin’.” he suddenly lifted his head up, showing off those flower fields he hid so well in his eyes, and winked.

“Hello Amy.”

She was floored.

Spiraling out of that chair so fast, she was suddenly hooked by a hand and shot back down in the seat.

“What’s the rush? Tips on me!”

“L-let me go!”

She struggled in his lap, his hand keeping her still as he reached over her flailing body and took a fry, popping it in his mouth.

“Emm~ Missed your cooking though. Tell me, how’d you end up a waiter?”

She continued to try and reach back and remove his hand from her dress’s white collar.

One wrong move… and uniform would be the only thing left on…

“Ohhh..! Sonic!”

“Acting didn’t work out for ya?”

“Sir.”

As Sonic winked to her, he suddenly was unimpressed at the interuption and looked up at the man addressing him.

He was big and burly.

“That’s my star girl you’ve got your cruddy mitts on, sir.” He was looming with a large stature that could frighten a bear.

Sonic looked unphased. “You’re girl?” he looked almost offended, but confused.

“I thought this was Sonic’s girl.”

Amy’s whole being suddenly stopped struggling.

She stared up at him.

“Yeah right. Like he’d ever have the guts to show his spineless face around here! After dumping her in that frostbitten park for so many years. Staring out on a blanket of nothin’ but old, lost dreams! If he ever comes back, she’s sure to let him have a piece of her mind!” He wagged a threatening finger before reaching out and gripping Amy, helping her up and out from across his lap and patting her back, whispering tenderly as he coaxed him behind his back.

“You okay, lovely?”

Amy was gripping her head, it was mostly pure shock. Not horror.

She looked over at him again.

He stared at her, a new, profound longing in his eyes.

“I won’t ask you, mister. You should already know. Get out!” the man threw an arm out to slash a finger through the air and shoot his pointed finger straight to the door.

Sonic looked at it…

But then got up and looked to eye to eye with the man.

“You must be the chief.”

He threw off the hat, and took off the black cloak. “I hear you’re awful sweet.”

“Sonic! Don’t!”

“Why you-!”

“No one’s taking Amy from me, pal!”

Sonic jumped up, springy as though still in his youth, but much more skilled now than before.

He leaped with a hand ruffling the man’s head over him as his head dipped almost to pound itself into Sonic’s butt-dent on the cushioned seat.

Sonic saluted a farewell behind him, cocky as ever. “Nice talkin’ to ya.” he threw out a handful of rings. “Keep the change.”

“GRRRRAHHHH!” the man rose up, lifting the table with him.

“Gruff, no!” Amy stepped out in front of Sonic, and he winked to the man as if he knew she would.

The man contemplated her sudden movement, before looking and squinting more at Sonic. “W-what..?”

Sonic strung an arm around Amy, and stuck his tongue out at the man before using his free hand to pull down the lower bit of his eye.

“Nwot. Ywours.” he crudely stated, having his words slur due to his tongue sticking out.

He swiped her up into his arms and bolted out, “Smell ya later!”

“Long time no see, Amy! You sure pick good company.”

He set her down, adjusting his gloves in the warm park that once held a painful memory to her.

“Whooo! I’m stuffed! Sorry you couldn’t enjoy your milkshake though.”

He was facing away from her as she stared at her forbidden passion. Standing in the exact same place every morning… where he had left her.

Months… years… what did it matter.

She was always here.

It was like her ghost moved on without her body knowing it.

She was always at this park… every day.

“….I guess you recognize it… huh?” He turned to look back at her, before his shyness was too noticeable to him and he shook his hands out, not wanting to fiddle with his gloves anymore.

“Amy… Tails told me a lot about what happened.”

Amy remained staring… at the same spot he once disappeared from.

“Knuckles said it was best to give you time. You know… not be awesome all at once.”

She closed her eyes.

“…Okay, I’m not the best at conversation anymore. That comes with being alone for the past… pfft, what? Five years?”

“Eight.” Amy corrected. “Eight years….”

Sonic held himself in suspense.

“…Eight?” he tried to count.

“…Have I really missed that many birthdays?”

“You’ve been missed… I’m not sure about your end.” she held the ice that once again emerged from her heart out and letting it spread up her body to her throat, then out her mouth.

“… You’ve been waiting that long… huh.” he looked embarrassed, rubbing the back of his head and fidgeting on his feet.

“…Look, you may hate me, but… I never forgot what you said. About… well, you konw.” he looked away.

“Waiting?”

He folded his arms. “No… although that was pretty moving. Heh.” he smiled, remembering something fond before shaking his head, keeping a distant. “Nah, not that… something more important… You were always moving, Amy.”

…Amy… How he was saying her name.

It’s like he’d rehearsed this a thousand times.

“I..” he looked down, kicking the ground, before growing skittish and looking away, holding the sides of his elbows but trying to play it off as a casual fold-of-your-arms look. “I guess I never stopped thinking about it, you know? You growing up.. changing.. how you saw that moment. Especially now, too. I never said I wouldn’t come back.”

“You also never said if you would.”

He suddenly looked back at her.

“..Amy, you’re making this incredibly difficult.”

She swallowed hard.

“Good.”

He rose his head.

“Now you know what it was like.” she started to walk off. “How the view looks…”

His eyes rose and traced her figure down the path…

The scene trusted a blanket of white… powders of snow suddenly twirled around her and spread throughout the park in her wake.

She softly, with the grace of a turning eagle, moved her arms out and stood a few, long ways away from him.

“Do you remember… that you never looked back.”

His eyes were absolutely saturated in her colors.

Against the white of his vision, he could see her back in that coat, her soft pink crying with the wind carrying the tears away for him.

Never would he allow himself to step away from taking those tears off himself.

“I’m sorry.” he stifled himself. “I never meant to hurt you.”

She lowered her hands, her face full of numbness.

“What did you mean to do then.”

“…Try.” Now a strange new feature of his face took hold of all his natural beauty.

His eyes bent and absolute emotion portrayed on his face.

In that shameful breath, came a thousand nights of thoughts that floated around the stars at night. All spelling her name. Drawing her sweet smile. Mimicking her glowing face…

“I had to try and save the world, Amy. One last time.” Sonic stepped forward. “But I darn near didn’t… and it was because of what you said. I couldn’t leave it be. When I finally did move on, I suffered in thinking about all of you.”

He advanced more, as Amy’s snow-filled valley sunk deep in her heart.

The soft ground.. sprung some green…

“I ran to your window in the deepest of nights, staring in and making sure you were alright. Some days I watched from a distance to see you lose your first job. The moment you cried when your garden died.”

Her eyes suddenly welled up with water, as trees began to motion themselves upright and dust off the frost that had preserved them for so many years.

All around her… he was creating spring again.

“I almost leaped out to ‘I’m here!’ when you watched that scary movie in your living room all by yourself. And when you walked in the night to check on that stray flicky when it cried out for it’s family. And stood by it’s side till his family returned. I couldn’t always run back. It was painful to watch you remaining so strong. I never knew you came here in the mornings though. I had to race back, each and every night, to get away from the guilt and longing of telling you. Of admitting that fighting Eggman, saving the world, and protecting you wasn’t enough.”

He had advanced so much towards her, that already she was filled with rushing warm waterfalls, fields of flowers, and greenery that revealed the life still inside her.

Face to face, he held back his breath to simple take in the moment of being close to her again.

She was crying.

“I’ve been here, Amy. I’ve watched Tails, Cream, and even Knuckles when he’s stupid enough to think that Chaos are messing with him while he sleeps.” He gestured a hand out that made Amy giggle, before she covered her mouth and couldn’t help but cry harder.

“…Amy… I’m sorry I never told you sooner. Maybe it would have made the waiting harder… maybe it would have made it easier on me… but either way.”

He reached a hand up, wiping the tear he had longed to do himself for over a decade.

“…I want to be here.. to take care of you now, Amy.”

The tilt of his head, the gentle touch, all of winter had passed into a bright, beautiful spring morning.

Amy gently curled her fingers down, staring at the only man she’d ever loved, and watching as his face bent down to hers.

A gentle breeze of spring.

It almost sounded like-

I love you.

#sonamy #sonicxamy #sonic the hedgehog #sega #amy rose #sonic #cutegirlmayra #cutegirlmayra1 #sonic fanfic #sonamy fanfiction #sonic au #have I improved yet? lol #sonamy prompt #sonic prompt #amy rose prompt

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happy end - excerpt

This elf, sin’dorei by the look of ruddy skin and forest green eyes, is an older elf. Like him. There’s a weariness here. It’s in the flat stare that sizes him up, and the introductions that come without a customary bow. Niceties get waved aside with a rusty voice and a gleaming metal hand.

“I’m Ven’ari Daybreak,” this elf states in cultured Common that’s at odds with the informal treatment. “You’re Senumeros Quicksand. I already know, so let’s move on. Oh, and--do me a favour? Skip the teacher-student claptrap. The day I let someone call me “honoured master” to my face is the day I die. ”

Meros clicks his teeth, points clattering together to bite off scripts he’s learned in meeting others. He’s grateful for less to talk aloud with, but at a loss for its lack.

Ears held loose and low with uncertainty, Meros trails behind at Daybreak’s back. Night elves are usually taller than their exiled “cousins.” Daybreak is no exception: Meros might be a little short for the standard male night elf, but he still has several inches of leg on this blood elf. He has to mind his pace or trod on unfortunate heels.

Besides, what Daybreak loses in height is gained in bulk. The bare, broad back and squared shoulders Meros stares down at are just further reminders of old inadequacies he still sees with his own lanky body.

One of his other adopted brothers joked with him once that at least his heathen god Elune saw fit to edge him in hard lines and gave him an ugly face to match his uglier voice. They’d had a good laugh about it, a troll and an elf, both making light of raw truths.

And it is true:

His lost years took their toll. Ate him away. Gentler curves that She graced him with were the first to go and sure he counts his blessings--but still. Still. He’s put on a lot of muscle he’s proud of in the long years since the eldest of three trolls found him amid desolate ruins but it’s none of it the blocky hips or the wide back of the elf he walks with.

Meros is always going to be too narrow-shouldered and long-limbed. Too small in body. Too... Meros.

Daybreak leads them to a rope-and-plank bridge. It spans a vast ravine and a part of the temple Meros has yet to visit. He’s a bit charmed that Daybreak pointedly marches across the swaying walkway with chin lifted and eyes pointed straight forward.

More so when he hears, “I’ve mastered many things--but fear of heights is still a daily walk.”

He grins his laughter at Daybreak instead of give it out: a close-mouthed grimace of all his teeth and his eyes squinted almost shut.

Daybreak looks at him from the side for it. Says nothing at first.

Meros isn’t so good anymore at knowing the correct expressions from others. He can’t name whether he’s offended his substitute teacher or not, but the weathered face that he carefully watches for clues of doesn’t smile back at him, and those pink ears, reddened even more for the brisk chill, are set forward and held stiffly high.

When they reach the security of the other side and Daybreak has feet planted to firm stone again, Meros shyly offers a mangled apology in quiet Thalassian. He means it--even if he can’t say his rhotics right ever again.

The new look this earns from Daybreak is a lingering one, though the distant expression and neutral cant of ears remains. Meros thinks maybe it’s sort of searching. Or confused. He wouldn’t blame Daybreak for confusion. He knows exactly how he sounds, and it’s not just his accent in Thalassian that’s atrocious.

“Lianji mentioned this,” is said to him at length, and not unkindly.

His heart stutters in his chest, torn between anxious shame--and shameless gratitude.

“I’m not going to ask.”

Meros blinks slowly, his head canting sideways enough to be noticeable. It dredges out a laugh from Daybreak at last. Rusty as the blood elf’s voice. Twice as soft.

“I don’t care about what happened, here--” Daybreak reaches up and taps Meros on dull grey lips with metal fingers made too cold to be pleasant. Then promptly pantomimes throwing something aside. “--Or there, yesterday. I’m sure that’s rude of me, and I’m sure both things came from justly, tragic places.”

Daybreak stares off briefly into middle space. Starts to massage fingers into where grafted metal joins flesh. Finally says, more lowly, “We elves are good at that, aren’t we?”

Meros thinks of another elf with a false limb like this. Skin so deep red it makes Daybreak’s look white. An elf so small and so young and so full of spite, as much as with hope.

Meros airs out his grimace some more, masquerades it as another smile so it strains his hawkish face with his efforts.

“Yeah,” Daybreak agrees with a squint upward. “Sure as the sun, we are.”

Then with a roll of his strong shoulders in a careless shrug, Daybreak adds:

“Elves endure. We keep going. Like you and I should be. This way.”

Falling back into step slightly behind and to the side, Meros mulls over Daybreak’s comments while they take winding stairs down and down and down further. These fan out and circle at their end into a modest courtyard, penned in by a trickling moat and graced with a well-tended shrine.

He doesn’t really quite know what to think or feel about Daybreak’s easy dismissal or the deliberate omission. Others have been eager to draw out all the details; their appropriate noises of sympathy are always paid like some kind of ticket bought to a goblin’s sideshow. A part of it, Meros is sure, is morbid fascination. The need to share an othered experience for a few moments without the horror of actually living it all the time.

He decides it’s a relief: to not have to struggle through vocal explanations for once. For his handicap to simply be expected, adapted around, and moved on from to other things more pertinent and pressing.

It’s a little like being home with his partner. Abruptly, Meros has got another kind of smile slipping onto his face. It must be a particularly stupid and mooning one for how Daybreak eyes him even longer after they both stop at the centre of the stone shrine.

Feigning study of elegant coils chiseled out in the Jade Serpent’s image, Meros tries to school his face into something at least marginally less lovesick.

“That’s the closest thing to serenity,” Daybreak says next to him, “I’ve seen on you since you came here.”

It’s Meros’ turn now to look aside. He raises both bushy brows until the feathery tips quiver at bowed ends with their weight. He tries hard to make his unspoken question plain enough. He also tries just as hard not to give into the full-body blush threatening to heat him up from inside out at the thought of being observed so closely enough or for long enough that such words apply.

His effort works. He thinks. He isn’t laughed at and Daybreak takes half a step into Meros’ space. Close enough to jab a finger at him, just under his hooked nose.

“Whatever’s got you making that ridiculous dopey face--you should use it.”

He considers this even while reflexively leaning his head away for breathing room where Daybreak isn’t yielding it.

In faint puzzlement, Meros says, “My... fah-moh-ee?” like it’s half an answer, half a question. He watches the moment of struggle as Daybreak’s mouth moves to repeat what’s been awkwardly given. Meros is painfully familiar with this soundless shaping of the limited syllables he can actually voice and the old, disgusted shame threatens to creep back in.

Finally: “If that’s it.”

Which is vague enough it doesn’t tell Meros if Daybreak knows what was said or if pride just won’t allow admission.

Either way, the point’s been made. Daybreak withdraws, that finger kept levied in his direction with an unerring aim.

“Focus on what helps. The pandaren’ll all tell you meditation’s about clearing your thoughts. It is, and--it isn’t. They like to use breathing as their focus--didn’t work too well for you, did it?”

Ah. There it is. He can’t hold back the body blush or the shame now. Face burning in spite of the cold, Meros tucks his ears and tips his chin down until the puffy green bangs curling thickly at his forehead slide low to hide his eyes from view. The bound tails at either side of high cheekbones slip across his collarbone and dangle weighted before his chest.

“You’re not alone.”

He peeks through his hair at Daybreak. The blush gets worse just like he feared. It’s a dry awful heat spreading down his tattooed neck and up along his long, heavy ears.

Rather than clarify, Daybreak’s index finger slides to one side of Meros and draws his gaze with it. Ears rising some to swivel that way, Meros stares back up the winding steps and thinks of the ease in walking the path down to here.

“There’s a multitude of methods, Quicksand. You just have to find yours.”

Teeth clicking and lips thinning out, Meros counters dubiously with, “Whah if I cah-ah eveh fie ih?”

“If you can’t--? Oh. Tch.”

Silver-coin eyes tilt around to Daybreak, though Meros keeps his face angled to the steps.

“With that attitude, sure. Be hard to find, then.”

Reflexively, Meros shows his teeth again, and this time--Daybreak smiles, too. It’s reserved and small and done mostly with the eyes. Daybreak’s closed smile is comforting to Meros because it’s familiar. He almost asks:

Were you a soldier, once? Because it reminds him strongly of another just as reserved who smiled only with their eyes. Who always spoke kindly and encouraged him, too.

He doesn’t ask. He’s aware he’s desperate to chase away his loneliness in this remote peak surrounded by strangers.

But still.

He flicks the lighter greyed tips of his fingers from in front of his mouth on outward. As he tilts his left hand so that it fluidly presents from sign to outstretched palm held out and waiting, he forces out:

“Fhake Ou.”

“Sure,” Daybreak takes his hand and clasps Meros by his forearm with the other. “Let’s begin, yeah?”

The moment that he’s let go Meros bobs his chin--and his fist. He’s eager agreement in a wider flash of all his filed teeth with ears forward and quivering in anticipation.

“Yes.”

The smile Daybreak shares is kind and the blood elf’s not so terrible company either.

So maybe this teacher will like him.

#world of warcraft #blood elf #sin'dorei #night elf #kaldorei #quel'dorei #monk #hexfold glories: rawboned by 10k lies #yellow tomorrows #transparent stories #6oftext

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laurabaileys · 7 years

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Sep 15, 2017: precursor.

I don’t understand how I wound up being the one who’s somehow in the wrong, but I should have expected it. You’re great at making yourself the victim and making the world seem like it’s out to get you. And these days I’m so fucking sad that things are turning out this way. But I’m also so fucking mad that you chose this path. That’s the thing that I don’t think you understand. YOU chose this. You chose your pride over our friendship the second you chose to ignore my engagement. You chose to sit in your silence and self-righteous anger. And then you chose to expect me to reach out to you. Instead of saying anything at all to me, I had to reach the end of my fucking rope before anything came out. I expected so much more from you as one of my supposed best friends. But if I’m being perfectly honest, our friendship has always been one sided. I’ve always tried so hard to make everything good and easy for you, I’ve always tried to listen to everything going on in your life long after you became a trigger for me. I killed myself in college staying up late to check on you because I loved you and because I cared so goddamned much. I did everything for you. You were my first priority for years. I couldn’t go to bed without telling you I loved you, or wake up without saying good morning. And I think that might have gone deeper for me than I cared to analyze. But it’s not like any of that matters anymore. You’ve got your own life to live, and thankfully, I have mine. I can’t continuously break my back for you and give you all the attention I used to, and I think our friendship suffered more because of that than anything else. Because I started putting myself before you. This is such a hard thing for me because I want so badly to make jabs and hurt you like I’m hurting but I don’t think you’d care. You like to freeze people out and make it seem like they were the problem. I’m sure you’ve already done that with me. I see the passive aggressive posts, the petty shit you have to say. At this point, I honestly wish I could just forget how to check on you. Because frankly, after everything, how fucking dare you

Original Post:

I’ve always been the type of person to check on old friends to make sure they’re okay, but you’ve got me on some bullshit. Yes honey, unfortunately there are things that will always remind me of you. I can’t wipe them from my memory. But the thing is, things will always remind you of me too. And my god, I hope it hurts. I hope you remember that you had someone who always fought to be in your corner, and that for whatever reason, you didn’t give a shit. I hope you wonder about me, and that you become curious and see how my life is progressing. I hope you ache over the lost invitation to my wedding, feel the gap at what would have been your presence in my children’s lives. I hope the reality of your decision to cut out what might have been a lifelong friendship really shakes you to the bone. Because as angry as I am, I am also heartbroken. Heartbroken over the pettiness and anger that’s been left in the wake of our friendship. And I’m sorry, but I’m not big enough to hope that it doesn’t hurt you, too. I hope it does.

1/11/18 - At this point, you’ve already read the first message. At this point, you’ve already made a post stating how you don’t care and then made your new blog right after. I had to add the above private post because I knew you weren’t going to care. I fucking knew it. But still I hoped. I miss you. And I’m angry at myself for missing you. I’m angry at myself for thinking about you at all. I wish I could separate myself from it all like you do. I wish I could keep myself from giving a shit. We were so close at one point. So close. And all for nothing. Goddammit Jen. I’m done being angry. Now I’m just sad. And it feels like that’s all falling into a void of nothingness because you don’t care. You just don’t care. I went into my old writing blog a few days ago and I found a bunch of posts I’d written while in college. All worrying about you, all talking about how I wanted to help you. I gave so much of myself to you…for what. I don’t know if I’ll keep adding to this post. I can’t imagine why you’d look at it again. I can’t figure out why you looked in the first place. I guess you’re still thinking about me too. This reminds me a lot of those Skype screenshots where the best friend died and the other best friend kept sending messages. How sad is that?

02/19/2018 - I am so goddamned sad today. There's so much that reminds me of you and so much that I want to tell you about. I think I had a miscarriage. I wanted to talk to you about that. I wanted to talk to you about everything. My job, my coworkers, Cam. You're supposed to be part of my life. I'm still dealing with the absence. It's been 6 months?? I'm just sad. Happy 27th Birthday babes. I really really hope you have a good day. I wish I had the guts to text you, but I'm scared of your reaction. I'll think about it.

05/10/19

I had a son. His name is Anduin Elliot. He was born on March 28th. Your mom and your sister both congratulated me. They both know he exists, what he looks like. I wonder if you do. My entire pregnancy came and went without you. This huge life change came and went without you. There was a card I got mid way through from some sort of advertising company trying to market baby things to me. They sent me a handwritten card with a bunch of coupons inside. The card was signed by someone named Jen. I can't describe to you the ache that the sight left in my chest. I cried over that stupid letter because I imagined what it might have been like to actually get a letter from you congratulating me on my son. My SON Jen. My heart still hurts every day. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad. Most days I just wish I could forget. But I can't. And I don't. I think about you every day. And for the life of me, I wish I didn't. I hope you think about me. I hope that theres a world out there where I get to share the most beautiful thing I've ever done with you. I hope that one day soon I can let go.

07/24/2019

I wish I knew how to stop checking up on you. It's like some sort of sick routine? I wonder how you're doing, I start to worry, then I check your blogs. I still hope for updates, I still hope to find out if you're doing okay. I still hope that you're happy. And in the midst of all that I'm resentful. I'm resentful that you are so in my head.

I saw your post about bringing your OC's back, that you weren't sure if you could write them without me. A really selfish part of me hopes you cant. That my ability to write with you is what made those characters what they are. Another part of me hopes that you will. I'm not sure if that's because I'm hoping you'll remember the good parts of our friendship and miss me, or if seeing those characters exist without me will help me just forget. I dont know.

One of your old friends reached out to me. I have no clue how she found me, or how she found this post. Probably did a little digging, but I guess you got into her head pretty good too. She told me that you two used to be really close, and then you cut her off without explanation. Do you do this to people? Bring them close and use them until you can't? Did you do that to me?

I dreamt about you a few weeks ago. I dreamt that we were at a house together, and that you were meeting Anduin for the first time. I could see you holding him and talking to him and I was so happy in a really distant way, like even in my sleep I knew it wasnt actually happening. It broke my heart when I woke up.

I dont know what the point of adding to this anymore is. Sometimes I think about what it would be like for you to reach out and apologize. Sometimes I wonder if we would even be able to bridge this gap. I doubt it. I'm just so good at holding on to the past and you were part of such an interesting part of my life. Its hard to separate you from it all. I'm waiting for the hurting to stop. It's a lot easier to be angry.

#personal #filed under: keep on walking

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killjoytoxicberry · 7 years

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In yet another tag, this time by your friendly internet avian @dead-nightingale I answer a hella ton of questions that I’m not going to tag a whole 25 people in because I don’t know that many people, the people I would normally tag have been tagged already, and I think alot of people don’t like these! Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST…

1. Drink: apple juice

2. Phone call: my dad

3. Text message: my friend Ian

4. Song you listened to: Castle On The Hill (I could have sworn the lyrics where ‘cars along the hill’ not ‘castle on the hill’)

5. Time you cried: I teared up in the car earlier does that count

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: nope

7. Been cheated on: thankfully no

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: never been kissed

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: I mean, I’ve never been medically diagnosed but sometimes I really wonder but if you mean have I ever felt then yeah I would say so

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no and I hope I will never

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. Blue(s)

13. Green(s)

14. Black and White

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: probably not? I mean I’ve talked to people and been friendly but I don't know if it would classify as friendship?

16. Fallen out of love: probably, with fictional characters/shows.

17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah definitely, it’s the best feeling late at night on the internet when you should be asleep but you get a feeling of summer freedom where you can do whatever you want and god its such a nice feeling.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don’t think so, its definitely happened but I haven’t found out about it.

19. Met someone who changed you: We haven’t met within a year but we’re gotten to know each other better and then yeah.

20. Found out who your true friends are: No, I don’t think that’ll ever be clear

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I do not do the facebook

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: see 21.

23. Do you have any pets: my mom’s fish just dies, so no.

24. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes, but I think I’ll be fine as long as nicknames exist.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Not sure, I think my parents just forced me out of the house and took me to my favorite sushi place and then the mall (didn’t get anything though, just went into shops) and then I helped make my birthday dinner which we ate along with my cake that I made the night before (I’ve made it a tradition to make myself a cheesecake for my cake since middle school I think)

26. What time did you wake up: surprisingly early today, 8 AM. I was on a couch mattress at my nana’s and it wasn’t that comfortable.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: playing mysme and reading http://archiveofourown.org/works/592629/chapters/1066944

28. Name something you cannot wait for: the moment in life when I feel actual motivation to do something

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago when I was being scolded about math grades that just came in

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my personality? I feel like another person would deal with life in a better way than I’ve been probably.

31. What are you listening to right now: On The Spot #100 again because Jon Risinger.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Riddle, yes, but it was very one sided. (actually we went to get subs yesterday and there was a lovely old man named Tom who was chatting my brother up while my mom was looking for chips. We wanted to get chicken tender subs but they were out so we god cold cut and he rang it up as the sandwich that was on sale at the time because we waited to see if they other employee was going to get the chicken but she just slowly continued working on whole fired chicken)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The fact that no employer will hire me

34. Most visited website: Youtube or AO3

35. Elementary: My dear Watson? Idk I moved halfway through second grade and spent half a year at one school before switching to a better one only a few minuted farther away.

36. High School: currently in, starting senior year in the fall. I go to a different one than my siblings because mine has a culinary academy.

37. College/university: No idea what to do with this, will burn that bridge when we come to it.

38. Hair colour: brown

39. Long or short hair: medium atm but am planning to get it cut soon hopefully.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: fictional, yeah.

41. What do you like about yourself: hair, physically, and my cosplay ability I like to take pride in.

42. Piercings: one in each ear, but they’re rarely used anymore

43. Blood type: Idk but I want to find out

44. Nickname: Several but I haven't been around any of my friends who use them in a while so I cant think of any

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac sign: Leo

47. Pronouns: she/her, cis

48. Favourite TV show: atla, they still show it, so it counts.

49. Tattoos: none, but plan to, if i can ever decide on anything

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: none that I know of

52. Piercing: ears when I was so young

54. Sport: basketball, but only because my mom wanted me to be active.

55. Vacation: too young idk, but I remember visiting family in Maryland in the winter and there was snow any I tried to eat ice with dirt on it but my dad told me not to but I licked it when he wasn’t looking.

56. Pair of trainers: no idea

57. Eating: how are we supposed to remember any of this?

58. Drinking: My mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but only a tiny sip and I don’t remember what it tastes like.

59. I’m about to: go to bed probably

60. Listening to: OTS ended so now, ‘Lost in Thoughts All Alone’ Amalee English ver. on loop.

61. Waiting for: a will to live motivation

62. Want: love, platonic or romantic idc just somthing special and comforting with another human being. I f not that then at least a cat that loves me.

63. Get married: maybe, it seems like a bit of a hassle? But I heard there are benefits, so if we need those, or if my partner wants to.

64. Career: none currently, and too indecisive to have a clear idea of what I want.

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: I feel like I’d be too nervous to try kisses until I’m really comfortable, but I absolutely love hugs ok like a lot

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller, I like being a bit shorter

68. Older or younger: I used to only think same age was an option but I don’t have a preference.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice stomach, I feel like I’d like to lay down together and use it as a pillow

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: I would be ok with a hook up, but I want a relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker, I feel like I’m too hesitant. I need someone to be able to drag me out to do things without making me hate them.

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: nope

75. Drank hard liquor?: does the lemonade sip count

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: I have neither but my brothers have

77. Turned someone down: I kind of didn't give an actual answer until I felt bad enough to say yes but I ended it soon after.

78. Sex on first date: nonononono I don’t think anything I have will turn out like that anyway thankfully but no

79. Broken someone’s heart: I broke up with someone, but I’m almost certain he only asked me out because he wanted to annoy my brother and he just wanted a girlfriend and he was too chill about it so no.

80. Had your heart broken: I have never approached someone are you kidding me, conceal don’t feel don’t let it show

81. Been arrested: yeah no

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: I keep wondering if I have but then I think “why do you always do this you are friends and reading too much into this”

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: people actually do that?

85. Miracles: I use the phrase but I don’t believe in anything “divine’ so no

86. Love at first sight: I don’t think you can truly fall in love with someone if you don’t know them...

87. Santa Claus: yes

88. Kiss on the first date: on the cheek for goodbye

89. Angels: not in reality, but I love reading about them

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: Aly

91. Eye colour: brown

92. Favourite movie: 2003 live action Peter Pan

I lied I’m gonna tag three people ok fight me

@neofox0 @paytonbriauna @littlebitofanutcase

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littlebitoffanfic · 7 years

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Always Watching

Fandom: The Hills Have Eyes Characters: Goggle, Lizard, others mentioned Relationship: Goggle/reader Request: I saw you did a Lizard one from THHE and was wondering if you could do a goggle one(he wears the black hat in the movies). He doesn’t want the reader to get involved with the killings because he promised to protect her when they were children. The sun was beating down on your face as you leisurely scaled the rocks, your rucksack bouncing off your back. One you were at the top, you smiled at looked around at the distance. You had been living here and you had adapted well to the environment. Big Brain even joked and said you were born to be here. When you were 7 years old, you had ran away from your abusive parents. You managed to quiet far for a child traveling alone without getting into any trouble. But your parents found you. They beat you and tossed you in the boot of the car. To this day, you thanked the gods for them taking the short cut through the desert. When they hit the spikes, they left you trapped while they had walked around looking for help. You kicked the rear light out, desperate for fresh air. As you looked out, you noticed a figure of a young boy in a bowler hat, hidden between some rocks not too far away. Only about 3-4 meters. You then saw a young girl, about 2 years younger than you come from behind him then two more figures. A thin boy, older and slimmer than the others and a boy who was the tallest but hunch over slightly and, from the shadows, looked to have a deformed head. But you didn’t care. They had seen you kick out the light and were now staring at the boot as if waiting for something to happen. You couldn’t hear you parents so you took the risk. Anything had to be better than this. You reached your hand out through the small hole and the group approached the car, cautiously looking around. You never saw their eyes widen when they saw the ugly bruises and cuts up and down your fragile arm. The space was so small, you couldn’t see when your hand was in the hold. You felt a hand gently touch you, making you flinch away in fear of it being your parents. But then the hand caught yours and you felt how small it was, meaning it couldn’t be your parents. Another hand gently traced the bruises and you felt that a few of the persons fingers were fussed together but you didn’t care. Never, in your life, had anyone touched you without hurting you. It brought you to tears as you retracted your hand and sobbed. “oh, please don’t cry.” A young girl said. “We aint gonna hurt ya.” You looked through the hold to see the girl. Behind her was the other 3 boys and you could see their deformities and mutations now. “Its not you im scared of. You have to leave. They’ll hurt you.” You whispered, scared your parents would hear. “like ta see ‘em try.” The one with the cleft lip said with a raised eye brow as he looked to the boy in the bowler hat. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you. Or what little he could see. He could only see your eyes and cheeks through the hole. “You have to go, please?” you begged, the heat beginning to take its toll as you became weaker and weaker. Suddenly, the bigger one made a grunting noise and pointed at the boot you were in. “We cant. We gotta speak to Papa first.” The cleft lip one snapped. “We cant leave her here to die.” The girl protested, turning to him as the one in the bowler had nodded in agreement. The boy with the cleft lip looked at each of them, knowing he was out voted and let out a sigh. He walked to the boot and out of your sight and you heard a number of clinks and metal on metal. Bright light filled the darkness and you took a gasp of fresh air. There was a number of gasps as your wounds were visible to the world. Dazed and confused, you felt someone pick you up and carry out. Due to the heat and not eating or drinking in god knows how long, you began to fade in and out of continues. You heard them talk about what to do. Something about their Papa and Mama. The girl said she’d always wanted a sister. You heard a radio buzzing and voices but couldn’t make out what they were saying. You didn’t remember getting to the village but you did remember being placed down in a soft bed with a pillow and soft covers. You opened your eyes as the young girl and the boys began to leave. The one with the bowler hat glanced back and saw your eyes open. He looked after the other but came to your side, a small bit of fear in his eyes. “thank you.” You whispered, smiling up at him. He shook his head and looked at the ground, his way of saying it was nothing. “My names [y/n].” You offered, wanting to at least know one of the children who rescued you. “Goggle.” He muttered, ducking his head down to hid his eyes behind his hat. “Nice to meet you. I like your hat.” You smiled, pushing yourself up to sit. He looked up from under his hat, his eyes mixed with confusion and joy. He then reached up and took off his hat. He didn’t have much hair and now you could look at him properly, you saw the slit-like nostrils and his skin was a patch pink and red over his face and head. But you didn’t care. He had saved you. He and the others. You had seen the worse in your parents, the most vile and disgusting side of humanity. That was 1000 times worse than any sort or mutation. When he saw you smile at him, not flinching or screaming, he frowned quizzically at you. But then he kneeled beside you. “We’re gonna take care of ya. I wont let you get hurt again.” He mumbled, playing with the edge of the hat. You felt so overjoy, you wrapped your arms around his neck, nearly falling off the bed but you didn’t care. He hesitantly returned the hug but then he pulled you closer. From then on, you had been family. They had taken you in instantly when they saw how badly you had been beaten. Mama had fussed over you to no end because you couldn’t walk for a few days. She was distraught that anyone could do this to their child and insisted you would never be hurt again. Ruby was by your side, smiling kindly and offering you help. You didn’t meet Big Brain for the first week due to your lack of mobility but when you did, he seemed to like you. Or, at least, tolerate you for the first while before liking you. Papa and Cyst had dotted on you from the start. Lizard and Pluto made you laugh and would sit with you while you read to them. And then there was Goggle. He was always there, always watching over you to make sure you were okay. Every trip or fall, he would be the first to see to your wounds. As you grew older, you both grew closer and closer. --------------- Which was why you were here now. You saw him sitting at the side of some rocks in the shade as he stared out at the long road with no sign of life. “Hey.” You called, walking up to him and placing your bag on the floor. He jumped, obviously not expecting anyone but smiled the second he saw you. Even though there was about 20 square foot of flat rock, Goggle shimmied over to make room for you to sit next to him. “What ya doing all the way up here?” He asked as you started to rummage through the bag. “Well, I was hungry and I thought you would be too. So I brought you some lunch.” You smiled, handing him a sandwich wrapped in cling film while you took your own out. With a small thank you, the two of you dug in. Although it was a small picnic, it was perfect. Goggle loved your cooking, even if it was only a sandwich. Once you were finished, you lay your head on Goggles shoulder, staring lazily at the road. Both of you had finished your food a while ago and had spent the afternoon enjoying each others company. It was these quiet moments that made you smile and sigh with content. You felt Goggle sit bolt up right. When you opened your eyes, you saw he had grabbed his binoculars and was staring at something through them. You followed his gaze and saw a car in the distance. -----------time skip-------------------------- You let out a frustrated sigh as you stared down at the car. Everything had been going according to plan. They had hit the spikes, they had argued, they had went to go separate ways when the stupid older man ordered they stay where they were. You growled to yourself as you began to pace. It was growing dark. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing. The longer they spent out here, the weaker they got but you were just impatient. You had wanted to spend the evening with Goggle and while that was happening in a way, he had to continually stare down at the people. There were only 6 men. The worse thing was that they had guns. And not just one or two. Each of them had a gun plus a knife. God knows what they were going to do but they were prepared and if they stuck out like this, you would all be waiting a long time till they got weak. You walked up behind Goggle and picked up the radio, an idea coming to your mind. Lizard had been complaining that this was taking too long and Pluto was getting impatient too. Goggle glanced over his shoulder at, his eyes darting to the radio and back. “Just gonna ask Big Brain if he want me to head back.” You smiled sweetly, feeling bad for lying to him but he wouldn’t let you if he knew your plan. You disappeared among the rocks, knowing Goggles hearing wasn’t all that good. “Hey, Big Brain.” You called into the radio. “what?” His wheezy voice replied. “What if I head down there? Act like a damsel in destress and get either some or all of them to follow me. If Lizard, Pluto and Cyst wait in the hills with guns, we can taken them out in the small valley just before the mines. Kinda ambush them.” You spoke, your voice hushed. You heard a pause and then a chuckle. “Atta-girl.” He spoke with a sort of pride in his voice which made you smile. “Sounds a plan.” Lizards voice said over the radio and then the click of a gun and Pluto make a noise of excitement. “We’ll go wait there. Signal?” He asked. “Uh, I’ll try direct their attention to the entrance of the mines and then you guys get them from the back?” You half asked, making sure it was a good plan. “I’ll go too.” Papa said over the radio which confirmed it was a good plan. “Right, I’ll head down now.” You smiled and turned around, only to come face to face with Goggle. “whats going on?” He asked, but you had a feeling he had heard everything so there was no use lying. “I’m going to go down there and act like something bad happened to me. Then lead them into the hills by the mines and the others with ambush them.” You said, avoiding his gaze as you stepped past him but he caught your wrist. “You cant.” He pulled you back a little but you shook your head. You pulled your hand away and went back to the place where your bag was. Every time it came to you getting involved, Goggle would always stop you. “Its already arranged. It’ll be fine. Ive got my gun.” You pulled your gun out of the bag and tucking it in your jeans, using your top to hid it. You also grabbed your water bottle. You stood up and went to start climbing down the rock when he caught your hand again. “Don’t?” His voice was now barley a soft whisper which took you back. Normally these arguments ended with your screaming at each other. You looked back and saw the fear in his eyes. When he senses you saw it, he ducked his head down so his hat covered his eyes. “I cant let you get hurt. I said I wouldn’t.” He mumbled, shrinking into himself as if he was embarrassed. You whole world seemed to freeze as you remembered back to when you were a young girl. To when they found you and saved you. To his promise. And he remembered it. You threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him close. He instantly returned the hug, wrapping his arms around your waist and squeezing. You stood there for a few minutes, holding him close till the radio that was on the floor crackled. “[y/n]. we’re in position.” You could almost hear him smirking. You were about to get the radio but Goggle let go of you to dart and pick up the radio. “Tell ‘em you got scared and don’t wanna do it.” He begged, holding the radio out to you and his eyes pleading. You walked up to him and took the radio. “Its not me to scared.” You said calmly before raising the radio to your lips. “Two seconds.” You called over the radio and placing it down on the floor. Goggle was staring at the floor. You then pulled your gun out of your jeans and walked up to Goggle. Reaching out, you took his hand and placed the gun in his palm. His fingers instantly wrapped around the handle as he looked up at you from under his hat. “I trust you with my life, Goggle.” You smiled before turning and darting down the side of the hill. You knew he wouldn’t follow you because he hated running down the hills in case he fell. You, however, were very light on your feet and able to handle it. once you were at the bottom, you ducked and rubbed dirt on your clothes and up the side of your arms and neck. You used the water bottle to pour some water on your face, particularly around your eyes to appear like you had been crying. Once you were satisfied, you let out a high pitch scream. You could still see the men who had been sitting in a small circle by their car and when you screamed, they jumped and looked in your direction. You then ‘stumbled’ out from your hiding stop and pretended to be disoriented. The men seemed to bolt to you, faster than you had ever seen Goggle or Lizard move. When they were close enough, you began to limp towards them. The one who seemed to be the leader ran the quickest and he cupped your cheeks, both taking you by surprise and making you angry. Only your family could touch you. But you endured it. “Please, help me! They have my sister. Please?” You begged, clutching the front of his top. He glanced around at his friends who had gathered around. “Show us?” His voice was deep and firm and his friends nodded. You lead the men to the valley you had told your family to be at for the ambush. In the way, they asked you questions. You made a whole story about traveling with your ‘sister’ and you crashed. You said you were kidnapped and have been fighting for the last 3 weeks. They instantly believed you with made this all that much easier. Once you were in position, you moved a little away from the group so you would be able to dart behind a bolder. “There!” You pointed up the mine entrance. While they were looking at the entrance, you glanced up and saw Lizard creeping to the edge of a rock. He looked at you and you nodded. Darting behind the rock, you heard gun fire and screaming. Peaking out from your hiding spot, you saw 5 blood covered bodied. You frowned and stood up. Where was the other? You heard a click from behind you which sent a chill through your body as you slowly turned to find a gun held to your face. “You tricked us!” the man growled, his hands shaking. Before you could say anything, there was a gun shot and you felt your heart skip a beat. You waited for pain, convinced it had been him who had fired. But when you left out a shaky breath, you saw the man drop to the floor, blood gushing out the side of his head. you looked to your right to see Goggle standing with the gun still held up. You mouth dropped open as you stared at him for a moment. He wasn’t suppose to leave his post. And he had disobeyed orders to make sure you were safe. To keep his promise. “You okay?” He grunted, his eyes glancing you up and down to double check and see If you had any wounds. All you could do was nod, still in shock from what just happened. Just then, Liard and Pluto appearing, saying that Goggle needed to get back to his post before Papa noticed. With that, Goggle left. Without saying goodbye to you. -----------------time skip ------------------------ Papa had congratulated you on your acting skill. He said you now had a job which made you feel proud. You were the bait. Lizard had laughed at your title so you slapped arm. It made you feel important and needed rather than just being in the way a lot of the time. It meant you would have to either go up with Goggle and stay in the hills or be on constant stand-by. Either way, you didn’t mind. You even got your own radio. It used to be Plutos but he spends most of his time with Lizard and would forget what channel everyone was on. He didn’t seem to mind giving you his radio. In fact, he was excited because it meant he could spend time with you and Goggle as well as just Lizard. However, you mind kept flying back to the hills. Where Goggle was. You said bye to the rest as they left and you headed straight to the point in the hills where Goggle was. You pushed your new radio into your back pocket to keep it safe as you climbed the hills, your heart racing. You didn’t know how he was going to react to your new position within the family. You had a feeling he wanted you to stay out of all the killing, even though you were the one who cooked the meat the best. When you were near the top, you saw something black caught your eye. You frowned as you walked over to find Goggles black bowler hat on the floor. It had a slight dent in the top which looked like it had been thrown or dropped. You picked it up and stared at it for a moment. He was never without his hat. Unless he was in trouble. You darted to the top of the hill, calling his name at the top of your voice. You found him, sitting with his back against a rock and staring out at the road. “Goggle? Did you not hear me calling?” You asked, panting from running up the hill. You were about close to tears for fear of what might have happened to him. “Yeah.” He didn’t even look at you and you frowning at him. “Why didn’t you answer?” You asked as you kneeled in front of him. All he did was shrug. You sat there for a moment, staring at him in utter confusion. He had never been so flippant or dismissive of you in his life. “I-I got a job. I’m going to be-“ You were about to say when you were interrupted. “Bait. I know.” He replied, flatly. “How did you-?” Once again, he cut you off by picking up his radio and waving it slightly, still not looking at you. The tears of fear quickly turned to tears of sadness as Goggle refused to look in your direction. “I-I…” You trailed off, becoming a little panicked by his sudden change of attitude towards you. You tried in vain to come up with some sort of explanation for his actions but nothing stuck. “I-I found your hat.” You finally said after what felt like an hour of silence. You held out the hat to him. For the first time, he looked towards you. You pushed your hand inside and pushed the slight dent out of the top then tried your best to dust off the dirt. You held it out to him. He reached out and took it from your grasp but instead of putting it on his head, he placed it to the side and looked back to the road. That was the final straw for you. Tears began to cascade down the side of your face as you let out a shaky breath which allowed a soft sob to escape your throat. The sound drew his attention as he glanced at you. You saw his eyes widen in surprise as they feel on the tears on your cheeks. You covered your face with the palms of your hands and pushed yourself up to turn away and run. You hated when people saw you cry. But you hadn’t cried in years. The last time was when you had met them. You dropped your hands when he couldn’t see your face anymore. You were about to start your descent to the bottom of the hill when a hand caught your wrist. You jumped and glanced over your shoulder to see Goggle. He pulled you back a little, taking some steps back and pulling you back with him. You didn’t bother to fight him. It had been a long day and even on a good day, you weren’t as strong as he was. He pulled you back to the place he had been sitting so the road was back in sight. “Can’t protect ya if you’re down there.” He mumbled, nodding to the road. There was an overwhelming amount of sadness in his voice as he spoke. You saw the pain in his eyes. You remembered back to earlier. He had abandoned his post in the hills to come and check on you. It had saved your life but he couldn’t do it every time. You remembered his promise and instantly you realised it wasn’t just a promise to you. It was a promise to himself. “I didn’t realise you cared so much.” You mumbled out loud, glancing down at your feet. You didn’t mean to say it aloud but when you did, you noticed him shuffle from foot to foot. “Always have. I never wanted you to get hurt. Its why I didn’t want you down there. I don’t want you as ‘bait’.” He hissed the last word with a deep hatred for it as you looked up. “It wont be all the time. Just when needed. And I’ll have a weapon on me at all times. You don’t have to worry.” You tried to reassure him but you could see it wasn’t working. You let out a small sigh and stepped forward, wrapping your arms around his neck and resting your chin on his shoulder. “You cant protect me from everything. But you can make it all worth it. When you didn’t speak to me, it hurt more than a thousand knifes. When you wont even look in my direction, I feel like ive been shot. The thought of losing you hurt more than any wound ever could. So-“ You sighed and pulled back, see Goggle was now looking at you in the eyes. “If you don’t want me to do it, I wont.” You looked at the ground, trying to hold back the tears. You couldn’t bare the thought of him not speaking to you and, to be honest, you would rather stay here by his side. “Do you wanna do it?” Goggle glanced down at the road and back to you. You bit your lower lip. “Of course.” You glanced up at him. “But I don’t want to lose you.” You mumbled, more to yourself. But he heard. “I aint gonna leave ya.” Goggle protested, frowning. He seemed insulted that you would think that. “You seemed perfectly fine ignoring me just now.” You looked up to see he was staring at you. He flinched a little when you brought up his actions. “Why do you care so much if I’m ‘round or not?” Goggle suddenly asked. You frowned a little. The easiest answer was that he was your friend and you had been there for each other for year. But that would contain a lie. So you sighed. “Because I love you, Goggle.” You confessed, your heart pumping hard as your lips muttered the thing you only every thought of at night. You thought he would just stand there. Goggle never had been the best in awkward situations. But what he did next completely surprised you. “I love ya, too.” He then closed the gap and pressed his lips to yours in a timid but needy kiss. You held back a gasp as you felt his lips against yours. You couldn’t resist kissing him back. You felt trembling hands touch your waist so you decided to show him it was okay by wrapping your arms around his neck and pressing your body against his. The kiss began to get heated and you could feel the years of hidden desire coming to the surface. Pulling away, you gently panted as you opened your eyes to look at Goggle. He looked at you with slight fear in his eyes. You smiled, licking your bottom lip which made him smile and relax. You both jumped when you heard two sets of footsteps but as you looked up, you saw Pluto and Lizard come up onto the rock. The second Lizard saw you in Goggles arms, he smirked and folded his arms across his chest. “Well, well. At least now we know why you’re so fond of each other.” He sneered, obviously knowing he now had some dirt on his brother. Pluto just let out a happy laugh. You darted down to pick up Goggles hat from the ground and placed it gently on his head. “Fuck off.” Goggle sneered but as you pulled your arms back, he kept one arm around your waist as the two of you walked up to Lizard. “Papa wondering where you were.” Lizard stated as the four of you began to descend the rocks. “We were… watching.” Goggle glanced at you as you offered him a smile. “Yeah right. ‘watching’.” Lizard sneered, his mind now filled with every dirty thought. You rolled your eyes and smiled at Goggle again who returned it this time. “Always watching.” You sighed, happier than you had ever been.

#the hills have eyes #goggle #goggle x reader #goggle/reader #reader insert #the hills have eyes x reader #mutants #request

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jamesholden · 7 years

Text

a secret chord

after some extensive editing, here is a REPOSTED and SPOILER FREE version of the original fic.

this little monstrosity was inspired by an image I got in my head and passed to @whenimaunicorn . as usual, it got away from me. title comes from “Hallelujah” which Jim sings because it’s been stuck in my head and I’d like to hear a certain someone sing it one day.

Hope y’all enjoy! please maybe think about leaving a review here on AO3!

Naomi hums as she wanders, drifting through the Roci looking for her daughter and her daughter’s father. With four crew members clamoring to spend time with little Sam, it’s not unusual to lose her somewhere. Amos had been the only one to see Jim take her. He’d asked him to let him have a head start before telling anyone. Naomi understands.

Jim rarely has time alone with Sam. It’s hard when you’re one of the most sought after men in the system. He gets called away and spends hours watching feeds and listening to and sending off transmissions and sleeping deep into the crew’s usual wake cycle. So she gets passed around between Alex and Amos and Naomi more often than not. Sometimes after her morning routine, Naomi meanders through the halls and putters in the galley just so he can bond with their daughter alone for a few minutes longer. She’s seen his quick-hidden pain when she’d reach for one of the other crew members when handed to him, or starts crying soon after he takes her. She feels a tightness in her own chest that likely rivals one in his. Father and daughter need to get to know each other better, quick. She’s fortunate enough that Amos and Sam get along so well, or it would really be a disaster.

She hears him before she finds them.

Jim has a lovely singing voice. It’s not something the rest of the crew hears often. He’s shy about it, keeps it close to his chest. No matter how hard she fights him to join her at karaoke, he always refuses with a smile. Yet when they’re alone—when he’s running his fingers through her hair as she dozes on his chest, or when he’s mindlessly working on something in their cabin—he’ll sing to her and to himself. It’s like a secret gift just for her. The distinctive baritone never fails to soothe her, just like the warmth of his speaking voice. It filters down the hall, increasing in volume as she approaches their cabin. Naomi strains to hear just what he’s singing, what he could be exposing their child to.

“The wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round, ‘round and ‘round, ‘round and—”

The singing stops as she approaches the door.

“Oh… you don’t like that one?”

Naomi smiles, pictures Sam staring up at Jim, eyes wide and fixed on his eager face.

“No, of course you don’t. Too smart for that one. You take after your mom that way.”

The pride dripping from every word loosens the knot in her chest. Jim adored Sam from the moment Naomi told him she was pregnant, that the in vitro had been successful. The affection in his eyes when he held her for the first time had almost brought her to tears again. The idea of having a child at all seemed too distant, and sometimes too hard for him to talk about once the conversation became less hypothetical. He’d hoped to have children the old fashioned way. Even if he knew the possibility existed that he may have to rely on science, he wanted the passion. The love. Reality had hurt him. But holding and seeing Sam had healed the wound.

Until she began to show signs that she didn’t like him as much as the rest of the Roci crew.

“Let’s see… what would the very smart daughter of the smartest person in the system like to listen to, hm?”

Naomi holds on to the handhold just outside their cabin, drinks in the calm silence that meets Jim’s question. Every part of her wants to lean around into the doorway, to watch her partner hold their daughter and smile at her with all the love he has. To watch two of the most important people in her life just be together. Jim makes an ‘aha!’ sound, and clears his throat before singing to Sam again. Naomi’s heard the song before. A melancholy tune with some sort of religious overtone. An old Earther song. She gives in, leans around the doorway just enough to peek at them.

Jim is curled in on himself, almost in a fetal position, with Sam seated in the curve of his lap and stomach. His hands hold onto her tiny waist. Her hands rest on both sides of his face, slapping his stubbled jaw with glee. It doesn’t bother Jim. A smile lights his face that nothing could wipe away. He waits for a pause before carrying on with the song, going on about chairs and haircuts. Naomi spins back out to lean against the bulkhead. Her chest is warm and her eyes itching.

They’ve been through so much—she, Jim, the rest of their little family. There had been so many moments when she had thought this kind of future would be impossible for them. She and Jim had almost lost each other countless times. It had been hard for them to believe that things had settled down enough to discuss expanding their family. Months went by with little to the normal amount of conflict, and they could see it. They talked it over with each other, pitched it to Amos, asked Alex what he thought.

And now, years and years after the destruction of the Cant, years after she had just about given up on any future with Jim, years after he accepted her invitation to bed, years after he saw the rift between them and closed it, years after he told her he liked her and she told him she loved him, years after she finally opened up to him and years after he accepted her past with an open heart, years after he’d joked he could marry them but he didn’t see the point and promised he’d always love her...

Here he is, hovering in their cabin singing to their daughter. Their daughter actually listening to him and playing with him. If Naomi hadn’t already seen so many miracles… she’d consider this a big one.

Soon, Jim’s voice softens as Sam’s cooing dies down. He still sings of flags and arches, of lords and hallelujahs. But Sam babbles at him less. Naomi closes her eyes and tips her head back against the bulkhead. She takes a deep breath, lets Jim’s voice soothe her as well. She shoves the fear and anxiety of their past back into the box she keeps all of her past in. The present, what’s going on in the room behind her now, is all that matters. She has Sam. She has Jim. Hallelujah indeed.

When Jim’s song dissolves into gentle humming, Naomi turns to enter the cabin. The breath is sucked from her lungs.

Sam is laying on Jim’s chest, jumpsuit balled in her tiny fists as she sleeps with her head just below his chin. Jim’s eyes are closed as he hums, thumb brushing over her back in a slow, soothing pattern. Naomi presses a hand to her lips. She could count on both hands how many times Sam had fallen asleep with Jim like this since they first brought her onto the Roci, without Naomi around to soothe her. To see it now, the two of them by themselves, is just—

“About time you joined us.”

Naomi’s gaze shifts to Jim at his whisper. He watches her with one eye and a small grin. Giving him a grin of her own, Naomi pushes off the door way just enough to get her to where he is. Jim catches her with his free arm. She kicks on her mag boots and leans in to press a kiss to his brow.

“How did you know I was there?”

“I saw you peek in,” he mutters, glancing back at their sleeping baby. “You’re not very sneaky, honey.”

Naomi brushes her fingers through his hair. “Must not have been trying hard enough.”

“I was singing,” he notes with a thoughtful nod. “Always hard for you to resist.”

“Sure, Jim.” It’s true. But Naomi isn’t about to inflate that ego.

Jim starts to shift, and Naomi helps him straighten so he can heel his own mag boots on. Sam manages to sleep through all their movements. Certainly her father’s daughter. Naomi lifts her arms, starts to reach for Sam, like she has hundreds of times. She catches herself. There’s no need to take her. She’s sleeping, comfortable, happy. In the arms of her father. Why take her? Her heart clenches in guilt, but Jim doesn’t seem to notice. He’s so engrossed in watching Sam, eyes bright with wonder, pride, joy. So she shifts. Naomi wraps her arms around him instead.

“So,” he starts, tone unsure and eyes still downcast. “Were you worried about us?”

The uncertainty that Naomi had become so used to when it came to Jim talking about Sam was back in his voice. She’d had no intention of shaking his barely-there confidence. She rests her forehead against the side of his head.

“Only a little. I was just curious what you two might get up to.”

“Oh, absolute chaos, obviously.” The teasing tone she’s used to is a welcome relief. “Our next move was a hostile takeover of the galley. Barricade ourselves in and declare it for the Nagata-Holdens.”

Naomi smiles. “I’d be allowed in, right? I mean… I am the Nagata of Nagata-Holden.”

Jim snorts, turns in her arms to put Sam between them. “I’d never exclude you. Amos, maybe. Unless he promises to fix the coffee machine while he’s in there. You? Never.”

“Good. I think.” Naomi’s gaze shifts back down to their daughter, sandwiched between them. She lifts a hand to cover Jim’s on Sam’s back. “Jim… You know you’re doing a great job at this, don’t you?”

He hums. Naomi isn’t sure if it’s thoughtful or dismissive. “It’s hard to tell when she doesn’t seem to like me as much as all of you.”

“You’re busy. You get less time with her than we do.” Jim’s brow furrows, showing his dissatisfaction with her answer. Naomi reaches out to tip his chin up, to force him to meet her eyes. “Hey. You try. You know that you don’t get enough time with her and you know that she isn’t as fond of you and you try to be a good dad anyway. You try to spend as much of your free time with her and you try to play with her. Because you care. That matters, and it will mean everything to her that you put so much effort into it.” She slides her hand back to twine in his hair and pulls his head in to press their foreheads together. “It already means everything to me that you care so damn much. You are a good father, sa sa?”

She doesn’t have to say why. She doesn’t have to explain anything to him. He knows. Even if Jim doesn’t believe her, he knows where it comes from. He knows she means it. His wide eyes and parted lips evolve into a loving gaze and a warm smile.

“Well… I’m not quite sure what to say to that.”

“There’s a shock.”

Jim rolls his eyes and tips his chin out to catch her lips with his. Naomi hums into the kiss, presses closer to him. But then Sam makes a disgruntled sound and the two of them snap apart. Jim shushes her, rubs her little back and kisses her soft hair. Naomi soaks it in and lets it loosen the knot in her chest all the way. Any leftover anxiety she may have had about starting a family with Jim is long gone. There would be no repeats. Jim’s doing everything she’s ever wanted him to do. He peeks at her over Sam’s head, shoots her a tiny grin.

“Thank you,” he mouths, turning his attention back to their daughter.

He has nothing to thank her for. In fact, he’s only proven that she should be showing more gratitude. But Jim Holden would never accept that from Naomi Nagata. So she just nods, blows him one last kiss before making her way back onto the crew deck. She should find more work to do. Just for a bit longer.

Father and daughter will do just fine on their own.

#the expanse #naomi nagata #jim holden #nolden #expansefic #shanfics

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hesterharold1991 · 4 years

Text

Cant Decide If I Want My Ex Back Blindsiding Useful Tips

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Get Your Ex Back With Text Messages

#Cant Decide If I Want My Ex Back Blindsiding Useful Tips #Ex Boyfriend Scared To Get Back Together

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suzyqrara · 4 years

Text

3/17/2020

I am so conflicted in my head space. First, I want to explore my sexy and get as much experience as I can with men. Then, like 5 minutes ago I contemplated in closely walking with GOD and live my life for his service. After really typing it out I want to still explore my sexy, but I can’t do that if I am focusing on being godly. One factor that is playing into this idea is the fact that I went on a bad date last Saturday. It was so bland, I caught myself thinking, “Just fucking shoot me” as I was taking a sip of my delicious margarita. I couldn’t even see him as a potential booty call. It was a pointless date and I ended up paying for my own meal. The meal and drink was so delicious though. Another factor that is playing into this idea is that I am not enjoying the interactions I am having with the only booty call I’ve established thus far. He doesn’t even have enough respect for me to come and bring me my charger that I left during my last horrible experience with him. Seriously, Marvin was a much better partner then wtf he gave me our last meet up. I tell him I need my charger and he keep saying, “You can also come to me and get it.” I wouldn’t be annoyed by it if everything he did that night was one sided (Only for his pleasure) and when he never takes pictures of himself when I ask him to send me one. EVERYTHING IS ONLY FOR HIS CONVENIENCE. I mean what can I expect, we are only booty calls. He has no respect for me, I have no respect for him. We just used each other. But as much as I would like to have more booty calls, I know I might encounter things I am not emotionally ready to handle. There will be times I will have amazing sex and they won’t want another date with me. I need to deal with that rejection, and I don’t think I can do it. I am a beautiful girl. I have beautiful eyes, nice lips, good butt and beautiful breasts. But I am very inexperienced, and my belly can’t seem to get smaller or tighter at the moment. Plus, I am not helping that situation with comfort eating. Currently, I am getting emotionally unstable for a “work crush” I recently developed in January. He is rejecting me and all day I felt very insecure and just not good enough. I ate a lot today and I was irritable all day which Mason did not deserve to experience. Imagine me having sex with someone I find attractive and then being thrown away…that will really hurt the little pride I already have. It’s a conflict in itself because I would feel confident knowing I can have sex whenever I am horny and it will be an easy emotional knock out to my pride if I get rejected. So, its not worth it for me. I don’t want that to take away my loving nature when I’m with Mason. I don’t want him to see me miserable over a rejection. But it is still an unknown territory. I won’t know how I react unless I have more then one booty call. I don’t really want to give up the goal of learning about my sexy with different men. I need to do it for myself. This is the youngest I’ll ever be and I am wasting it in my mothers house and these stupid lame ass dates that I keep having.

I have such high expectations when I move out. I expect my confidence will get so high. I will feel empowered and I will feel free. I will be surrounded with my own furniture, my own rules. When Mason is with his dad, I can bring anyone into my house and I won’t be embarrassed by how it looks because it will be 100% my style. I feel like that confidence will help with my motivation to get my ass active. I could have been active today, but I had bad anxiety because of this stupid “work crush” rejection I am experiencing. I am hoping during this isolation period (Coronavirus quarantine) I will get my ass on that treadmill. I feel like because my location will change other things will come to me that I have been waiting for. I don’t know what is stopping me from living the life I envision at my new apartment at my moms house but something is stopping me. I am not creative here, my mind is on routine here. I honestly think its because I do not like the idea that I am still living in this house at age 30. I envisioned my life at age 30 in the city, living in an apartment on my own. I’ve had this vision since I was 20 or younger. I knew that by age 25 I would have BEEN moved out. But I had my Babyboy and that vision was put on hold. I’ve waited for 6 years to finally be ready to move out as a single mother. I feel once I finally accomplish that goal, I will have 10x more confidence within me. I just feel it. I also feel like this is the only time I will have to find the things that make me feel and be sexy. I am 30 years old and I still feel like I did in high school when I liked someone. I feel insecure and I start being awkward to the point where the person that I like senses me being awkward and they want nothing to do with me. I don’t have enough life experiences to react differently now then I did in high school when I Like someone. That is ridiculous but it is the truth. The person that I like, I didn’t do anything to him. He just seems cold and like he just doesn’t like me. He was totally normal when I didn’t like him. We would say hello to each other, he would visit my office and we would chit chat about w/e. Then Idk what happened but when I initiated a conversation he totally shut me down. Now he gives me one word answers to my initiations. He stopped visiting my office, now he just passes it and keep it moving. One time I tried reeling him in by complimenting the colors he coordinated together and laughed and kept it moving. During orientation night, I tried to say something to him to make him chit chat with me further and he answered with one-word answers. He flat out shut down my attempt to have a good interaction. I was next to him in line to get the salad and I was wondering if the olives were pitted. I then looked at him with a smile and asked if he had an idea..he flat out said no, I don’t like olives and kept it moving. I said, “…ok” We didn’t talk after that. We are out of work the next two weeks which is a blessing because we should have had mental toughness. The last Mental toughness we had is the reason I started liking him. So instead of being tortured by his obvious signs of rejection and witnessing his amazing personality with others during mental toughness, I get to take this time to find my pride again and accept this rejection. I didn’t do anything to make these interactions happen. It’s happening and it is out of my control. I shouldn’t take it personal, but I cant help it since NOTHING is happening with my life in terms of love and relationships. I am sure if I had a few interests in my life, I would keep it moving with this rejection. But nothing is happening. But all I can do is remain a friend to myself and remind myself that I am a wonderful catch. I am meant to be loved by a man. There is a man out there that will want to get to know me and be my friend. They will make themselves known to me, they will take every opportunity to talk to me and they will be everything I want in a partner. He will be tall, he will love me as much as I love Haydee with my flaws and all, he will be funny, he will love to dance, he will be family oriented and he will have FULL custody of his child so he will understand what it is like to be 100% a single father. He will be educated, and he will have a job that will give me the privilege of being a stay at home mom once we have more children together. My current crush can not do that at all, he does not live with his daughter 80-100% of the time and he plays video games :/ I added him as a friend on FB and I saw in his video feed him playing a video game. My husband won’t be into video games like that. I want him to be active, meaning he does things outside of his house. He will have his own car and own apartment just like me. He is already in his career. My crush is not in his career, he has his BA but he is not pursuing that career. I am sure his job is a smaller salary then mine. I am not trying to be mean, but I am trying to make myself not be so upset that he is so uninterested. Like seriously, if he is in a room and I walk in he will nonchalantly walk out of the room. Or if he walks into a room that I am in, he’ll stay for a minute to not look weird and then doesn’t contribute to a conversation that I am having with someone else. When someone likes you, they will try to get your attention as much as they can so they will welcome themselves into a conversation you are having with someone else ESPECIALLY if I include him in it. There was a time he walked into the room and I was talking to someone and I asked for his opinion. He gave it and walked out…. He does not interact with me at all. He either minimizes it on purpose or he really just doesn’t see me as important to interact with, so I am invisible to him. Both of which is upsetting since I like him and respect him a lot. Either way it tells me I need to move on and the only way I move on is if I remind myself why he is not made for me. Then imagine if we went past the flirting, “crushing on you” stage, when we finally like each other enough to see each other outside work. WTf will that look like. Well maybe that wouldn’t look to crazy if he likes me the way I like him because then he would make things not awkward. I try hard to not give off the awkward vibe. When he comes into the room I actually include him in the conversation and he decides to put one word in and then he will leave. If he liked me things would be as natural as they were before this weird distance came about from him. Before this distance thing happened, I had confidence in starting a conversation with him. I felt comfortable talking to him like I felt with Marvin. I could even see myself looking for him just to have a chit chat. I felt comfortable enough to be ok with saying whatever comes to mind. But since he’s been not welcoming my attempts to talk with him, I’ve been feeling more awkward and now I walk like there is a pole up my ass when he is near because I just feel this sense of rejection. But I feel this next two weeks will prep me to not care about his rejection. It will definitely help and not make it worse.

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