#funny men who use sarcasm as a defense mechanism

[wordy-little-witch]

Brainrot is kicking in, work has me by the throat, I am so tired

Enter: self indulgent sillies

Shanks and Buggy both were kidnapped very often as children - be it by Marines, enemy pirates, Whitebeard on occasion, random ass guys targeting two unattended children, whatever.

They both have gotten so desensitized to it that they don't even get scared anymore. It becomes more "I'm not held here with you, you're stuck here with ME" type of situation.

Buggy is sassy, snarky, rude and sarcastic. Shanks pops in now and again with some completely out of pocket shit that sends Buggy into hysterics. Think that scene from Helluva Boss with Blitzø and Moxxie being kidnapped.

This complete lack of care extends well into their adulthood - Shanks because it's honestly kind of funny that someone had the audacity to try him, Buggy because sarcasm and sass is his defense mechanism.

Enter: Cross Guild.

Marines try an infiltration mission to Cross Guild, but they severely underestimated the organization. Mihawk was off island at the time, so they thought that the biggest powerhouse who could identify them via observation haki was gone. Buggy notices immediately both because his haki is oversensitive and he's gotten scarily good at reading body language. Crocodile, when informed, proposes they give the squadron what they want with interest.

A series of unfortunate events lead to Buggy and some of the crew shackled and in the plaza. Buggy's got seastone cuffs on wrists and feet both, and has failed to mention the mini transponder in his hair piece. The Marines made the mistake of cuffing him behind his back, thinking it would limit his knife skills. They don't know that Buggy's anxiety and paranoia has lead to him having a secret pin in his boots specifically to pick locks.

Buggy then proceeds to roast the men with all he's got while he works.

The others present are both confused and fighting laughter as the commanding officer gets more and more pissed off before he finally backhands Buggy dark enough to split his lip. Then a hand clutches his throat, lifting him slightly. Buggy splutters. The marine grins, a nasty thing, demands Buggy apologizes, complaining about the blood on his white sleeve. Buggy tries to speak and can't from the lack of air.

"Oh," the officer coos, "what is it? Finally going to beg forgiveness?" He loosens his grip just enough for Buggy to get some air, lowers enough for the other to go on tiptoes to get a strangled breath. Buggy cracks an eye open, a smile blooming on his face.

"H-Harder, daddy~"

The Marine drops him in disgust.

No matter what they try, Buggy has a come back. Crocodile is listening in, and Mihawk, upon arriving back, has joined him to avoid the navy presence. They're both a bit stunned, a little intrigued, and mayhap rethinking some preconceived notions of the clown.

Especially when there's sound over the transponder snail, a little clink, thump, a shout, and something wet.

"Well," Buggy's voice carries over. "Who's next? Come on, I haven't got all day, you already made me miss two appointments, you dull Neanderthals."

There's a sound like a sword being drawn, a war cry, and Buggy chuckles. "Ohh. You're stupid, huh? That's okay, Buggy likey dumby~"

Turns out even in seastone cuffs, even in twice as much as a typical pirate or criminal wears, Buggy is more than capable of taking out a squadron. He uses his surroundings to his advantage, fighting dirty and taunting them playfully, much to the admiration of the other's present. One cuff is off his wrist, but three more are still on him, cutting off his powers. He still manages to not get cut until the near end.

Even then, it's because one of the stragglers tried attacking his chained subordinates. Buggy gets a cut to the cheek, mild and harmless, maybe needing stitches, but he's furious. "No no no," he grits out, "You're playing with me right now." A stolen sword sinks into an opening with ease. Buggy leans in close. "Don't you ever fucking touch my children. Understand?"

No response. Buggy shifts the sword. There's a scream.

"Understand?"

"Y-yes..."

"Yes what?"

"Y-yes... s-sir."

Buggy snorts. "I was looking for your majesty." Then he yanks the blad up and out, leaving the body to slump to the ground. He turns to the few remaining. "Well?"

Buggy handles it on his own, the followers are even MORE fanatic, and Crocodile and Mihawk are facing a sudden and unexpected paradigm shift while watching Buggy happily eat a bowl of ice cream, kicking his feet happily and simply vibing like it's a typical Tuesday afternoon.

#buggy the clown #buggy headcanons #one piece #cross guild #cross guild polycule #competent buggy #badass buggy #oversensitive observation haki my beloved

[demigoddessnation]

fictional men I'm terribly in love with and my type is obvious as hell

➯ jake peralta (brooklyn nine-nine)

➯ minho (maze runner)

➯ dastan (prince of persia)

➯ the weasley twins (harry potter)

➯ han solo (star wars)

➯ stiles stilinski (teen wolf)

➯ ruby (on my block)

➯ rio (la casa de papel)

➯ klaus hargreeves (umbrella academy)

+ honorable mentions:

➯ leo valdez (heroes of olympus)

➯ finnick odair (hunger games)

➯ captain jack sparrow (pirates of the caribbean)

#funny men who use sarcasm as a defense mechanism #the maze runner #tmr minho #harry potter #fred weasley #george weasley #on my block #prince of persia #leo valdez #heroes of olympus #jack sparrow #finnick odair #la casa de papel #brooklyn nine nine #jake peralta #the umbrella academy #klaus hargreeves #han solo #star wars #comic relief

[smalltowndetective]

"Never let them see they've gotten to you." from the random dialogue prompts for Mason? :)

Hello! Thank you for the request! :) You’re amazing!

I did kind of cheat with this dialogue prompt because it worked better that way, hope you like it! ❤

And as just a warning, this does have massive Book 3 demo spoilers! 

Dialogue Prompt- “Never let them see it’s gotten to you” (changed it a little)

Ao3 Link

Title: Beginning of Something?

Pairing: Mason and Mariana “Mari”

Words: 2k

Tags: @lilyoffandoms

Summary: Mari has been so used to avoiding attachments with others for so long, but now, she just might want to.

There were a few truths that Mariana had followed in the past twenty-seven years of her life.

               Truths that some were from her own mistakes, some from the mistakes of others.

               But they made everything easier in her life, not making things a bigger deal then they were, and allowed her to get through everything that was thrown at her.

               Part of it was not to have attachments to anyone or anything, no matter how tempting it was.

               Since that could all disappear tomorrow, and where we would she be left then? Alone, back to where she was at the start. How she had always been before.

               It was no surprise to her that she was this way, her mother obviously not sticking around much, regardless of any family obligations, and she supposed that in order to keep herself from being too affected by it, she decided it would be best just to act like it never bothered her, even though it did.

               Having Rebecca know that she felt that way would just make her look vulnerable, and she was going to avoid that at all cost. Mariana was not after anyone’s sympathy, and especially hers.

               She had never had a serious relationship in her entire life. It was not something that she had thought about the why much, but it felt right. Simple. They would just have for some fun during the night, and then the next day, act like nothing had happened, no strings attached. There was no chance for hurt feelings that way, and it was easier to deal with, and she had no desire for anything more

               But that was before Mason.

               That was the statement wasn’t it? The time before Mason, before he came and completely made her want to throw away what she had become so used to for so long. He had ruined everything that she had ever known.

               He, of all people, made her want to break her walls down, not Tina, not her mother, him. The man who she wanted to show the other side that she kept to herself for so long, even the parts of her that were ashamed of who she was. He seemed to get her, and while Mariana was not sure if that was true or was just her own wishful thinking.

               She had entered into whatever they were with the plan to fling and then move on, but that was not happening. He made her want to stay around and never leave, as much as she did not understand this had all come from. For the first time in her life, she craved stability, and she was not sure why, but she was starting to come around to that idea. She felt a sense of loyalty to him that she had never felt with anyone else.

               But every time that she allowed herself to dream, it was cut down by a realization each time.

               You knew what you were getting into from the start.

               It’s not like that’s going to change now.

               Right?

               And she thought that there was never going to be anything more to it all, but even with her absence of people skills, even she had noticed he was acting differently, almost concerned? Whatever it was, it definitely did not make any sense to her.

               Yeah, because that’s a sign of feelings right there.

               “I totally glad you didn’t get eaten by a pack of werewolves”

               Am I really going to take basic concern as sign of it now?

               It’s not like I wouldn’t be concerned if it was anyone else in the team.

               But even with those words, she could not solidly convince herself. There was something different, but it also all the more likely that she read into it incorrectly. It was not like she was the best at this sort of thing, and she doubted she ever would be.

               And then there was the matter of the bounty.

               Mariana supposed she really could not be surprised that the trappers would intend to kidnap her after everything that had happened with Sanja, and as much as she reverted back to her normal sarcasm, her only defense mechanism,  it was hard to deny how on edge it made her, starting to constantly look over her shoulder in the town that she had felt safe in for so long.

               A bunch of people after you for your blood, yeah, I think it would be hard not to be.

               But absolutely screw ever actually admitting that. She would much rather have Adam to lecture on her not taking anything seriously then ever actually say that it bothered her. She would take his and Nate’s exasperated sighs any day over what all of this was.

               Don’t ever let them see it’s gotten to you.

               This was not supposed how it to be, being worried like this, knowing that the trappers were out there, taking pictures of her when she was unaware, and it made her skin crawl at the thought of it.

               Sometimes, I wish everything could go back the way it was before all of this.

               It did make her realize, however, that she would have never met Mason that way, and that thought made her stomach slightly fall at the thought of it.

               You really can’t act like you give up meeting him, can you?

               Even with the confusion that follows that.

               While she could give up all of the mad scientist vampires and mirror men that had come wandering into Wayhaven, she would never give up on meeting the team. They had formed some weird familial relationship somehow, and though she was still unsure how that happened, it seemed natural, as much as some of them got on her nerves sometimes.

               Like real family, I guess.

               The thought made her smile, even with the stress that was still threatening to pile up in her head, and she stared at the window of her office, the sun starting to set, the trees all bright green from it being the middle of the summer.

               But even with the brightness outside, it did little to settle her worries of who was lurking in the shadows.

               Mariana vaguely heard her office door open, but she did not turn around to face who it was, and it took until she heard a familiar voice that she finally turned around.

               “Mari”  

               It was Mason, his grey eyes just as intense as they always were, his hair perpetually in his face, and he slightly narrowed his eyes, “You’re here late”

               “I normally am”, she shrugged, “What are you doing here?”

               “Nate wanted to make sure you got home safely”, he replied, and she could feel a mischievous smile form on her lips.

               “Oh, Nate did, did he? If I were to call him right now, what would he say?”

               He scoffed at that, rolling his eyes, but he did not seem to have much more left to say, and she went to get stand next to him.

               “Or, maybe, you’ve taken a bit more of a liking to me then you’d like to admit?”, she teased, but part of her almost hoped that it was true, “And if you do, then I don’t know why you have to say Nate made you do so. It’s kind of funny how you use him a scapegoat, you know”

               “Believe what you want, sweetheart”, Mason said as nonchalantly as always, a smirk forming on his lips, but there was something behind his eyes that perhaps implied something deeper.

               But how would I know anyway?

               “Then I’ll be sure to ask him then”, she grinned, “Because I’m sure he would love to tell me”

               “You do that”, he responded, almost as if was daring her to, raising one of his eyebrows, “See how it works out for you”

               Mariana laughed, and she moved closer to him, till she was mere inches away from his face, and she whispered, “Is that a challenge? You know I can’t back down from those, sunshine”

               “Oh, I know you can’t”, he almost seemed to purr, the hint of a smile forming on his lips.

               “But seriously”, she said, moving slightly back, “Is this about the bounty?”

               “What do you mean?”

               “You coming here?”, she asked, not sure why he suddenly looked confused, “That now I got a bunch of lunatics following my every move?”

               He narrowed his eyes at that, but looked unsure on what to say, which some time ago would have surprised her, but it was happening more and more recently, and she was not sure as to why.

               Maybe the both of us are just a confused mess.

               Would make me feel better, at least.

               She almost got the urge to tell him about how she was truly feeling about everything, finding that he could be surprisingly comforting when he wanted to be, but her words got caught in her throat before she could commit to saying anything.

               You can’t let on how your feeling.

               Not to the bounty, nor to everything else.

               Mariana always wondered just how much he much he was actually was picking up on the way that she was acting, knowing that he was the interrogations expert for a reason, but if he did, he never seemed to let on that he did.

               “When do you think you’d be leaving?”, he suddenly asked, breaking her out of her train of thought.

               “Whenever I finish work?”, she replied, “I really rather not have the either the mayor or Captain Sung on me tomorrow. If I have to deal with one more thing, I might snap”

               She had not meant to add that last bit, but she could hardly care at the time, feeling slightly overwhelmed from the stress of being the detective of Wayhaven and also an Agency liaison, and adding that with the bounty and her own confusing emotions, it was slowly starting to build inside, threatening to spill over, and she was not sure how much longer she could act like it did not bother her.

               Maybe Rebecca was right to be worried about how I’m handling it all.

               Because I’m definitely not handling it well.

               Feeling herself sigh, she turned back to Mason, “My mind has been a little of a minefield recently with everything. It’ll work itself out soon enough”

               Well, I hope so at least.

               It was the closest, at least for now, she would ever admit to how she was really feeling, the normal cynical tone dying in her voice. And even with it not being that specific, there was still the fear of having opened up too much to him anyway, but strangely, she found herself almost not bothered by it. As if there was a part of her that wanted to open up to him anyway, even with her reservations about it.

               “You’ll be fine”, he simply stated, and even with its simplicity, it made her smile, and the two of the ended-up gazing at each other, but there was something different about it. Almost softer, sweeter. Two words that on one would never be used to describe either of them, but this moment sure was.

               “I know”, she breathlessly whispered, and even with the smirk that was starting to form on her lips, nothing about it was broken.

               Mason suddenly blinked, as if he was surprised by what happened, but he did not turn away, “How long do you think you’ll be?”

               “You know what”, she remarked, “I’m just going to take this paperwork back to the warehouse. If I have to spend another minute in this office, I might tear it apart myself”

               He gave a low chuckle, an almost steely glimmer appearing in his gray eyes, “That works with me”

               “Does it, sunshine?”, she smirked, but with an unexpected lightness to it anyway, and it sent hints of smiles on both of their faces.

               Mariana went to go grab the stack of paperwork on her desk before walking back up to him, and she tried to hide her surprise when he wrapped his arm around her waist.

               He lifted his eyebrow at her expression, and the meaning was obvious

               What?

               She shook her head slightly, a shockingly gentle smile on her lips, “Nothing”

               The two of them walked out of the office together, both of them caught up in the surprisingly tender moment between them, and neither of them wanted to push it away.

#the wayhaven chronicles #wayhaven chronicles #twc #detective mariana gonzales #twc mason #mason x detective #agent m #request

[timehealsfanfictionbka]

Time Heals....Chapter Fifty-Three Pt.3

Robyn smiled as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her new diamond pendant glistened under the bright spotlights in the vanity ceiling and matched the diamond studs in her ears. Apparently, leaving Chris alone for even two minutes begets expensive gifts that she would’ve never let him buy if she was around him. After fifteen minutes of arguing, she just accepted them and let him put them on her person. They were really pretty though. She brushed her hair into an updo and carefully pinned it into place. Tonight felt different for some reason but in a really good way.

“Robs, are you ready?”

She went to yell back when she heard his footsteps come up behind her in the bathroom. She smiled at him through the mirror, “You look good.”

“Thanks Baby. You ready to go?”

“Just give me one more second,” she carefully curled a few loose tendrils of hair then turned off her curling iron, “we’re good to go.”

“You look amazing.”

“Thank you Christopher,” she leaned and pecked his lips, “I like white on you.”

“I remembered.”

Robyn chuckled as she grabbed her clutch off the console as she passed it, “there is a car service for tonight that’s taking us to the boat and bringing us back. It should be waiting downstairs.”

“Cool. I might get use to this getting taken care of stuff.”

“Please, you couldn’t not buy me anything for one weekend. I’m not that convinced.”

“I mean you look amazing in diamonds, how can I deny being able to see that?”

“Anyone looks amazing in diamonds. It’s diamonds.”

“You’re not just anyone.”

Robyn blushed as she reached for her coat. Chris grabbed it before she could and draped it over her shoulders. She reached back for his hand and they left.

      “For some reason, I feel really adult being here.”

“Are you saying I take you to childish places?”

Robyn scoffed as she took a sip of her drink, “as much as they cost, that’s one expensive childhood.”

Chris laughed as he gently nudged her shoulder, “meany.”

“I’m just being honest. You go for the gusto. A lot.”

“I have it and I want to spend it on you. Is that a bad thing?”

“No but it’s not a fiscally responsible thing either.”

“What? Do you want to see my financial documents? Will that make you feel better about accepting gifts from me?”

“No because I’ll still worry.”

“Such a Mom.”

“You made me one.”

Chris smiled, “that I did. And I’d like to do it again.”

“I know you would but alas no luck.”

“Always blocking.”

“Learn how to shoot better then.”

“Ouch. Why do you like hurting me so much?”

“Boy please.”

Chris winked at her as he took a sip of his drink, “so how you feeling?”

“About?”

“About anything.”

“I’m good. You?”

“Same.”

“That’s good. Are you enjoying yourself?”

“This weekend has been perfect.”

“Really? Good. I was hoping so.”

“Now you know I’m easy to please. You didn’t have nothing to worry about.”

“You say that now”

“Trust me, we could’ve stayed in the hotel all weekend and it still would’ve been perfect.”

“That’s because all you want to do is fuck.”

“You’re partially right.”

“Ugh…you’re annoying.”

Chris laughed, “now you know that’s something I wouldn’t lie about but that is not all it is for me especially when it comes to you.”

“You’re a grown up now, Christopher?”

“I’ma grown ass man and I definitely appreciate more about you than your body.”

“Well you didn’t have a choice in the manner.”

Chris shook his head, “must you ruin every sweet moment with your sarcasm? I’m trying to compliment you, Robyn.”

“Oop, you can continue. Sorry.”

Chris laughed, “My God, Woman. You make being a sweet guy very difficult you know.”

“I’m not trying to. It’s just a habit.”

“And you wonder why we call you the Ice Queen. You like cutting men down at the knees, huh?’

“No, I swear I don’t. It’s just- I don’t know.”

“A defense mechanism so you don’t have to be vulnerable.”

Robyn raised her brow at him, “don’t start throwing therapy words at me.”

“I’m not but I’m right.”

“I don’t have an issue being vulnerable. I don’t like being emotional.”

“Allowing yourself to feel emotional is vulnerability. Every moment doesn’t have to be broken up with quips, no matter how funny they are.”

“You think I’m funny?’

“You’re a natural but your humor can be kind of mean.”

“Do I really hurt your feelings, Chris?”

“No because I don’t take a lot of your comments serious but that doesn’t mean it’s not mean.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“No need. I knew what I was getting into.”

“That doesn’t give me the right to be mean to you, though.”

“It’s fine besides I can separate based on intent. I know you’re not trying to be mean.”

Robyn squeezed his hand in both of hers then pecked his lips, “still I apologize and try to be more mindful of my humor.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Chris looked down at her hand and furrowed his brow, “you’re wearing- you brought it with you?”

“Brought what?”

“That’s a nice ring.”

“Oh this?” Robyn held up her hand and smiled, “thanks. My fiancé bought it for me.”

“Fian- wait, you’re serious?”

Robyn nodded her head as she playfully held her hand out to him, “I’m accepting your proposal, Christopher.”

“Holy Shiii-“ Chris gently grasped her face and kissed her hard on the mouth, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Robyn giggled as she pressed her forehead against his, “I love you too, Christopher.”

“Did you plan this? Were you already-“

“Actually, I’ve had the ring on my person for the last few weeks. Just thinking about it. Weighing my options. I’ve come to the conclusion, that I was only saying no because a part of me was scared of saying yes. I’ve always been afraid of losing myself in you because of how I feel about you but I realized that I’ma big girl, you know. I’m not in high school anymore, trying to fit in or make friends. You’re already here and if you really want to marry me just like this, who am I to argue with you?”

“That is the most,” Chris paused to chuckle, “non-romantic proposal acceptance, I have ever heard.”

Robyn laughed, “Christopher”

“But its honest and for that, I am ok with it. It’s exactly what I expected you to say, something logical with a touch of love in it.”

“I admitted to being afraid, I don’t get more credit for that?”

“You are agreeing to marry me, you can get all the credit you want for absolutely anything.”

Robyn kissed him, “I am accepting your proposal because I love you. And I don’t know if this will last forever but I know that I want it to happen. I know that I don’t see the rest of my life without you in it. And I know that if I really want this to work, I have to be willing to commit 100%. I can’t have my guard up with you especially when you don’t have yours up with me. I love you and I want you and I want to be your wife.”

“So you got a little bit in you?”

“You’re rubbing off on me. I don’t know how much I like it yet.”

Chris laughed as he held her hand and twisted the diamond encrusted ring with his fingertips, “I almost thought you forgot about this.”

“I promised you that when I was ready, I’d wear it. I’m proud that you didn’t keep asking me about it.”

“I thought about it but I trust you and part of that trust was allowing you to make a decision without my pressure. I can’t make you love and I can’t make you marry me. You have to decide what’s best for you.”

“Sometimes I don’t know if you’re good for my health or not but a little moderate indulgence never killed anybody.”

“I’m an indulgence?”

“Oh very much so.”

Chris smirked, “so what makes me an indulgence?”

“You and the way you do things. Go big or go home seems to be your only two modes.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Depends on the situation but I’ve learned how to handle it over the years.”

“Hmm…”

“Let me ask you something.”

“Ask away.”

“When we get back to the hotel-“

“Yes?”

“Can you do something for me?”

“Am I still on stripper watch?”

“As much as I would love for you to strip for me, I’m not gonna beg you.”

“There’s a lot of things I’d love for you to beg for but that’s not big enough to warrant it.”

“And what is?”

Chris turned to swipe his thumb across her bottom lip. Robyn flicked out her tongue to wet the bed of his thumb and he bit down on his lip.

“You’re playing with fire.”

“I can handle getting burned.”

“Ok. Tonight, I’ll give you what you want but…”

“Always a give and take thing with you.”

“I just want you to do that split again.”

Robyn laughed, “you liked that, didn’t you?”

“More than you can imagine. You act like you aren’t that limber but you are.”

“Adrenaline helps.”

“It’s way more than adrenaline when it comes to you. You like lowkeying it, huh?”

“It has its advantages especially when I have an agenda.”

“Like training him?”

“Exactly. Sometimes showing your hand makes it difficult for people to learn. Giving it a little at a time always seemed to work best for me and you.”

“Have you unconsciously been training me in other ways?”

“And if I was, why would I tell you?”

Chris chuckled then took a sip of his drink, “I’m gonna figure you out one day, Robyn.”

“All these years and you think you haven’t.”

“I thought I had but clearly I haven’t.”

“Well since we have a bit more time before we get back to the dock and our hotel room, what do you want to do?”

“Dance with me?”

Robyn smiled and took his outstretched hand. They both stood up and Chris guided her to an isolated corner of the dance floor. The jazz band began to play a rendition of “In A Sentimental Mood” by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane. Chris gingerly placed one hand on Robyn’s lower back as he held the other hand in his. Robyn smiled at him as they gently swayed to the music.

“I feel so adult right now,” Robyn murmured.

Chris lowly chuckled as he pressed his lips to the side of her head, “see, I’m not childish all the time.”

“I think you’re incredible.”

“I think you are too.”

Robyn pressed her cheek to his as they continued to dance.

As the band took a break, the speakers flawlessly transitioned into playing, “I’m Glad There is You,” by Carmen McRae, Robyn could feel her body relax into Chris in a manner it never had. She sighed into his neck as he pulled her closer.

“You ok, Baby?”

“In a way I never imagined. I’m good.”

Chris leaned back and ran his hand down the side of her face, “you getting soft on me?”

“Yea. And I think I like it.”

Chris laughed softly then kissed her lips, “your eyes are watering.”

“Oh God, I do not need to start crying.”

“Nobody but us will know,” Chris whispered as he wiped his thumb underneath her eye.

“They need to play something more upbeat. All this slow music is messing with me.”

“Well my beautiful fiancé, I think that’s a good thing. Tonight, don’t think about it, just feel.”

“We are really getting married, aren’t we?”

“Absolutely. I would kidnap you before I let you renege on me.”

Robyn giggled then wiped her face, “leave it to you to make me laugh.”

“To make you happy.”

“That too.”

“So about that peace you always wanted to keep.”

“I think you’re a part of it now.”

“Is that a good or bad thing?”

“I said yes, I think it’s pretty good.”

Chris pecked her lips, “you’re my fiancé, Robyn.”

“I’m your fiancé, Christopher.”

    “Man, its so late but it feels so early,” Robyn murmured as they walked into the hotel room. Chris took her coat after closing the door behind them, “what time is it?”

“Almost 12.”

“Really? Doesn’t feel like we’ve been up that long.”

“I know.”

Robyn sat her purse down on the console then plopped down on the couch. Chris sat next to her and she placed her feet in his lap as she leaned back against the pillows, “you want anything, Baby?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Shoes?”

“You can leave them on, I’ll take them off in a minute.”

Chris chuckled as he slipped the pumps off her feet.

“What part of I got it, did you not hear?”

“The part where I know you’ll mess around and fall asleep in these shoes before you actually take them off. I’m just here to help.”

Robyn sighed as Chris started to massage her feet, “you don’t have to-“

“I’m helping. Can you be quiet and just enjoy for once?”

“Well sorry.”

Chris laughed, “Robyn, I thought we talked about this on the boat, you don’t have to fight me on everything.”

“I’m not trying to. It’s just some things you don’t have to do.”

“I know I don’t have to. I do it because I want to. It’s ok to accept a nice gesture without overthinking it. It took me half an hour to get you to accept the necklace and earrings.””

“It was fifteen minutes but either way, you shouldn’t have bought it in the first place. I told you about that.”

“I told you that we were going out shopping and I was paying, why is it you don’t listen to me when I say things like that?”

“I do listen but jewelry is not a necessary part of shopping.”

“When you’re shopping with me, it is.”

“Like I said, always going for the gusto.”

“And I will continue so you should get used to it. You’re stuck with me forever.”

Robyn rolled her eyes, “I guess.”

“About being stuck with me, are we telling the kids?”

“We can if you’re ready to.”

“I was ready months ago. It’s up to you.”

“We weren’t engaged months ago.”

“In my head, we were.”

Robyn laughed, “oh my God, what am I going to do with you?”

“Love me very much.”

“I do. I really do.”

“Come here,” Chris grabbed her hand and pulled her up to straddle his lap, “you ok?”

“I’m good, Babe.”

“You sure you don’t need anything?”

“I’m sure.”

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Because I’ll give you anything you need, want or desire, you know that right?”

“I know, Baby, I know.”

“Ok.”

“I know I was supposed to get my strip show but can you just hold me instead?”

“Now that I have no problem doing.”

Chris wrapped his arms around her as she settled into his lap. He began to rock her gently as she fingered the hair at the nape of his neck. He smiled as he felt her sigh brush against his skin, “you falling to sleep on me?”

“Not yet.”

“Let’s get out of this dress so you’ll be more comfortable.”

“I don’t wanna move.”

“Never said you had to. I got this.”

#chrianna #timehealsfanfiction

[blog-sliverofjade]

Of Doms & Subs 5: Field Trip

Pairing: Angus Hopper x OFC

Summary:  What's a submissive female to do when she fights her nature and goes on the run as a Lone wolf to avoid being assimilated into a pack?

Word count: 1896

Of Doms & Subs Master List

“Don’t feel guilty, think of it as a bribe,” Mickayla said when she’d told me we were going shopping and I was to leave my wallet behind.  I stared at her.  “Think of trying out packs as like dating.  This is a date at a fine restaurant with a dozen roses,” she explained.  “And just like dates are a way for potential mates to prove they can provide, this is how we prove that we can take care of our members.”

“It sounds more like you’re looking for an excuse to go shopping,” I said dryly.  “But you’ll harass me until I give in, so ok.”

“You already know her so well,” Matt said with a hint of a smirk.  She elbowed him in the ribs and she only put up a token struggle when he wrapped her up in his arms.  I looked away.  The whole pack seemed to be much more touchy-feely than I was comfortable with.

“Meh, I’d go for another five minutes, tops, before I pulled the Dommy voice on you.”  She tossed her head so that Matt momentarily ended up with a face full of her hair.

“Dommy voice?”

“Dominant and mommy.  Dommy,” Matt explained, nuzzling his wife’s hair.

“Oh.”  I hid my blush by turning to shrug into my jacket.  Don’t ask if you don’t wanna know the answer.

The first stop was Pike Place Market, which was already packed despite the early hour.  Matt led the way to plow a path for us through the crowd with Mickayla following him so that all I could see was her curtain of golden hair and perky butt.  Shane was on my heels, but not so close that he was breathing down my neck.  None of the others had wanted to go shopping, preferring instead to play video games.  Some things stay the same no matter the species.

I normally treat shopping like I imagine Navy SEALs treat missions: get in, get target, and get out ASAP.  Mickayla obviously did not subscribe to this philosophy.  Most of the items we had acquired so far were for her.  I was too busy trying to ignore the din and overwhelming aromas invading my senses.  My wolf also wanted to snap at every stranger who bumped into us, which thankfully was only once or twice.  Most people took one look at my companions and steered a wide berth.

We were climbing a stairway that seemed to narrow even further and the low ceiling felt like it was pressing down on my head.  I swayed on the edge of the stair as the wolf surged up, tearing at me, wanting to run from the mass of consumers.  Pain rippled along my skin and burst like spikes in my joints until I nearly fell backward until Shane stepped forward until his firm chest allowed me to lean against him.  An instant later, Matt and Mickayla flanked me, forcing the flow of shoppers to part around the island that we made.

Normally I didn’t like people touching me.  Certainly not people I’d known less than a day and not so close as this.  But I relaxed into the warmth and comfort of their bodies.  Their combined scent surrounded me like a warm, familiar blanket.  No one said anything.  They didn’t have to.  Their eyes all had the same look of understanding.  My whole body felt raw.  If I had shifted in the middle of Pike’s Place on Labor Day weekend…

“Reason number four why packs are awesome: dominants can help when you’re about to lose it,” Mickayla said gently, having seen the panic on my face.  She slipped her arm through mine in what was becoming a familiar gesture.  “Let’s head some place a little quieter.”

The weather was a bit too grey and windy for anyone other than locals and werewolves, so we had the waterfront mostly to ourselves as we sipped hot drinks from the first Starbucks location.  The movement helped ease the need to run and calm my wolf.  After a while, Mickayla paused to check that a bench was dry before sitting and patting the spot next to her.  The men wandered a little way upwind, arguing about the game last night.

“Ok fine, you made your point,” I sighed and sank down next to her.  “What was it this time, how long I’d last before going furry?”

“Not on this one,” she shook her head and immediately had to pick strands of hair out of her mouth when the wind caught it.  “But that’s not the question you should be asking.”

I thought about that for a minute.  “What would’ve happened if ya’ll hadn’t been there.”  It was a statement, not a question.  She gave it time for the full implications of that sink in.

“You’re not used to having to rely on others.  Not since the divorce.”  I glared at her out of the corner of my eye.  I did not like being psychoanalyzed at the best of times.  This was certainly not one.

“Gee, doc, are ya gonna tell me that I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism, too?”

“If you’re so self-aware, pup, then why did we have to have this little exercise?”  She bumped my shoulder firmly with her own.

“Because you can tell a kid something’s hot, but won’t believe you till they touch it.”  I slumped down further on the bench.

“Head of the class,” she saluted me with her coffee.

“Don’t make me bite you” I grumped.

“Talk like that’ll earn you a spot as teacher’s pet,” she winked.  I groaned and shook my head at the pun before taking a sip of my drink.  It was something fancy, “full of sugar and cream and calories, everything a growing pup needs” as Mickayla had put it when she’d ordered.  Having a dominant around to step in and order was pretty nice when I was intimidated by the menu with its foreign terms and still too rattled to think straight.

“Speaking of petting.”  Mickayla laughed at the segue.  “John said that unmated females belong to the Alpha.”  That whole sentence tasted like rotten lemons, which fanned the embers of my dormant anger.  “Shit, is that the reason unmated females are second class citizens?  So we’re basically whores for the Alpha because we have no other choice?  If I won’t fuck Angus then I’m delivered to Eugene with a pretty bow?  Montana’s, what, a ‘re-education centre’ if I don’t put out?”

“Montana’s for new wolves, those who can’t control their wolf, and those who need to heal,” she said firmly.  “If you don’t want to move here or to Eugene, you can stay in Aspen Creek until you find a place and a pack you do like.  As for being second class citizens, it used to be that females couldn’t participate in dominance challenges and gained status through their mate.  While that seems to be slowly changing, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t be treated with respect.”

“Since I couldn’t care less about kicking butt and taking responsibility, I don’t have to worry about that, which is why I’m considered submissive in the first place,” I said with dawning comprehension.

“See, Ian was wrong, you can be taught!” Mickayla laughed with a wink.

“But what about the other… thing?”

“Wolves are very possessive,” she said slowly, as if having difficulty translating her thoughts into words.  “It’s supposed to be a way to protect the women, sometimes from unwanted attention from their packmates.  Some Alphas may take advantage of what’s meant to be a protective role, in much the same way some college professors tend to go after undergrads.”

“Are there many Alphas like that?”  I had a gut feeling that Angus was not like that, but then again, mama always said that my “picker” when it came to men was broken.

“Rape is not condoned, but since it’s not been a problem here, that’s something you would have to ask Angus, Matt, or Tom about if you’re thinking of going elsewhere.  Here, they have to answer to Angus.  If any of them so much as even make you uncomfortable he’ll have their balls in a sling because you don’t have a mate to protect you.  They all know that Matt would use their skull as a soup bowl if they so much as looked at me funny.”

Her scent had changed subtly with an almost salty quality that had nothing to do with the sea air.  She looked down with amusement at me as I sniffed her arm.  “You’re learning how to smell a lie!  About the soup bowl anyway, you don’t keep evidence lying around.  Good girl,” she said teasingly and petted my hair.  I mock growled without meeting her eyes.  She tapped my nose with a finger.  “Bad pup, no cookie.”  I straightened from my slouch with a laugh.  “Come on, let’s hit a couple of stores that’ll be quieter than tourist trap central.”

“Do I have to?” I asked tiredly.

“Sweetie,” she slung an arm around my shoulders.  “Your pants would be falling off if you didn’t have that belt tightened within an inch of its life.  I think you might have even managed to put a pleat or two in it like that, not a good look.  You need clothes that fit your new body.”  She plucked at my jacket, which tented around me before settling again.  I wasn’t necessarily fat before, but I certainly had carried more than a few extra pounds.  Two weeks in the backcountry had fixed that.  Oh, and becoming a werewolf helped, too.  I groaned in defeat and at the thought of more crowds.

Mickayla returned triumphant from the hunt, seemingly having gained the energy that the new wolf appeared to have lost.  Ellie quickly fled to her room with several large, bulging shopping bags.

“How went the great experiment?” I asked far more calmly than I felt.

“Took it like a champ, boss,” Shane answered while still untying his boots.  “Lasted ninety minutes.”

“I was ready to call it at an hour myself,” muttered Matt.  “Shrieking kids.”  We all winced in empathy.

“I’m thinking that John was doing his best to keep her isolated,” Mickayla frowned.

“Do you think he wanted her for a mate?”  My wolf paced in agitation.  He wanted to taste this John’s blood under our fangs.

“Not The Hills Have Eyes, but barefoot and not-pregnant in the kitchen…”  she grimaced.  I felt my eyes shift to gold then back as I struggled to convince my wolf that there was nothing here for us to rend.  “He told her about unmated females being under the protection of the Alpha, and led her to believe that it’s exploitive in nature,” she continued once I calmed.

“I see, thank you, Mickayla.”  I turned on my heel and retreated to my office to make a call.  Once the door was shut, it was virtually soundproofed against werewolves.  It’s good to be the king of tech.

“I’m afraid that I don’t have any news yet, Angus,” Bran said with faint amusement by way of greeting.

“I’m afraid that I do,” I said and conveyed Mickayla’s impressions of the situation.

“And you can’t question her directly without scaring her into running.”  I could readily picture him pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation.  “Thank you.  Keep me apprised.”

#my writing #fan fiction #mercy thompson #patricia briggs #pack dynamics #angus hopper #pack alpha #original female character #urban fantasy #fan-fic #werewolves #mercyverse #werewolf culture #modern fantasy #fan fic #werewolf character #mating bond #mating rituals #alpha and omega series #fanfic #mating #werewolf #enemies to lovers #eventual romance #eventual smut #angst #angst and smut #original characters #werewolf bite

[hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews]

Proven Innocent Season 1 Episode 2

We start off the episode much in the same way that we did in the first episode: with Madeline going to find a possible witness/suspect to help free their latest client. She's at a bar, pretending to do shots with some creepy guy with a huge neck scar. However, after she takes a selfie with him (one that clearly shows his neck scar), she tries to serve him with papers. He runs, Madeline gives chase. Bodie follows in the car... until Madeline cuts her leg open trying to jump over a fence. Bodie insists that they'll “live to fight another day”, and all but pushes Madeline into the car.

Then, we cut to Violet, hosting her weekly podcast about their law firm's latest case. A woman in prison for having murdered a man, because she said that she'd defended herself against a second man minutes before the murder took place.

Madeline and Easy talk to the lady, who says that she has nothing to be ashamed of for having defended herself against a would-be rapist. She then tells them that her step-father molested her over and over when she was a child... until she learned how to fight back.

Later, Madeline goes on some talk show to slam Bellow's run for state attorney general. Bellows watches from his office as he plays “golf”.

Madeline tries to get a retrial for their latest client because of the overworked public defender didn't have enough time to test the evidence or to find the man that she slashed. But without any actual evidence, and the man that she slashed the night of the incident, the judge doesn't find a lot of reason to do so. However, he does agree to let them test the DNA evidence collected at the scene.

Easy and Madeline go to the evidence locker to accept the evidence box from the prosecutor. However, the tape is clearly been slashed open, and all of the evidence is missing. Madeline insists that somebody took it and destroyed it in order to keep their client in jail.

Meanwhile, Madeline goes to defend her brother again, but he fails to show up. The judge issues a bench warrant for his arrest. While that's going on, Levi struggles with his drug addiction. Heather continues to goad Madeline... because she apparently never grew up past the age of 15.

Easy has a family of his own: a wife, and a son and a daughter. He gets angry when his daughter complains about riding in somebody's car to ballet lessons, because he's worried when she complains about the “funny smelling car”. His wife insists that it's just because the guy is a mechanic. Easy doesn't like that he doesn't know who this guy is, and wants to invite the family over for dinner. The wife is kind of reluctant, but eventually agrees.

Bodie poses as a trip advisor, and lures the would-be rapist into a fake office with the promise of a free trip to Hawaii. And, as you might imagine, it works like a charm. He serves the man with a notice of appearance, but the guy just wants to run. However, Bodie tells him that once the court finds out that the man is a would-be rapist, he'll have bounty hunters after him for the rest of his life.

The man goes to court to testify, but it doesn't exactly convince the judge. Especially since the creep says that he didn't do anything to the victim, despite her screaming at him that he tried to rape her. The judge seems to think that it goes towards the victim's apparent violent tenancies, as well as her dislike for men, and obviously, she could have killed the other man, too. As they leave the courthouse, Madeline and Easy say that they have to find the real killer in order to free their client.

While all of that is going on, Bellows hires a new girl for his law office, Isabel. He also encourages her to help her with his campaign.

At a strategy meeting later, a man tells Bellows, his wife, and Isabel that Bellow's numbers drop whenever Madeline goes on TV to talk about him. Isabel is quick to point out that Bellows should start going after Madeline. Bellows isn't that fucking stupid, however, and instead, decides that he'll start talking about crime and the like. His wife sends the press guy and Isabel from the room, and reams Gore over his decision to not only hire Isabel, but to make her an important part of his campaign. (Can you say jealous much?)

Later, Bellows has a press conference. He talks about crime in the city, like he said he would. But instead of bringing up Madeline's case, he instead brings up another one: about how a mother was murdered because he failed to convict the right man the first time. The mother's daughter is here now, as a part of his law team and political campaign: Isabel.

Madeline later goes to a homeless camp, where she finds her brother in a bad way. She's kind of angry at him, because he'd promised her that they'd talk if he got the urge to use again. He says that he's sorry that he lied about having dated Rosemary. Madeline is angry, because that was half of the prosecutor's defense: that Levi had been in a secret relationship with Rosemary, and when he saw her hook up with so-and-so the night of her death, he lost his shit and killed her.

Madeline goes home and looks at old photos of her, Levi, and Rosemary. Her mom comes in and is like “Put that to rest, already! Do you know how hard that was for me and your father?” Madeline, as you might imagine, is like “Excuse me? It was hard on YOU?” Her mother starts to go on about how everybody else has put it to rest... Except... clearly not. Levi is spiraling out of control because he clearly is over everything that happened. /sarcasm

Mother of the year, right here.

Some time later, Madeline and Easy go talk to the police who worked their client's case the first time. They get no where with the first cop, but when they track down the second, he tells them that the murder victim had a girlfriend. And apparently, he used to beat the girlfriend around a lot.

Madeline and Easy track the girlfriend down to a used car lot. However, she denies knowing the murder victim, or that she has anything at all to do with anything.

Back at the office, Madeline tells Easy that Levi confessed to her that he'd dated Rosemary. Easy seems to think that even if Levi did it, and lied about it, he wasn't Levi's lawyer and he doesn't care. Also, it would be pretty good that Madeline wouldn't need to be sucked into Levi's legal problems because she didn't do it, either.

Then, Violet comes in and reminds Madeline that she has a date. Easy leaves, stating about the dinner with the mechanic and his daughter. Madeline tries to cancel, but Violet hangs up the phone, gives Madeline a pair of heels and the earrings from her own ears, and tells Madeline to tell her the juicy details later.

The date is... weird and awkward. Probably because Madeline doesn't date much, and she's likely still a virgin. She goes back to the office, and complains about the weird date to Violet. However, Violet is encouraged when Madeline said that the reporter had wanted to do it again.

Then, Violet said that she ran the girlfriend's pictures through a reverse image search, in order to see if she could dig up more info on the girlfriend. Turns out: she's a prostitute, who frequently goes by another name. When they do a search on the prostitute name and the murdered man, an article comes up about how he was her pimp.

Easy goes home, and gets into a fight with his wife about how he'd missed the dinner. She's angry that Easy is throwing his life away for some “white girl”, while their brothers and sisters rot in jail for crimes that they didn't commit. (It's worth noting that this week's client is black, if this makes the argument a little... weirder? And the man that they freed at the start of the first episode was also black, while the second client was Hispanic.) She says that she just wants her husband back. And the children want their father back.

The next day, Bodie takes some pictures of the used car lot. He goes back to the office to report that the entire thing is a front for a brothel, which Madeline is so sweetly naive about that being an actual thing. Bodie identifies the various men in the photos, and goes on to say that the head of the brothel is also the girlfriend's husband; they married a few months after her former pimp was murdered. Madeline says that it's very common, and she saw it a lot when she was in prison. That one pimp wants another pimp's girl, so he has the first pimp murdered, and marries the girl. And the girls are all so brainwashed or hooked on drugs, that they just do whatever they say.

Madeline then goes to the prostitute's house, where she convinces the girl to go visit the client in jail. Once there, the prostitute apologizes for everything that's happened to the client, and that she never knew that anybody had been arrested for the pimp's murder. She then tells about how her pump/husband murdered her former pimp with the help of his friend, who also works at the used car lot. However, she says that if she testifies about this, then her husband/pimp will kill her.

So instead, Madeline and Easy pose as potential car buyers and go talk to the friend. They jokingly say that Madeline is a prostitute and Easy is her pimp-husband, who murdered her previous pimp just to get to her. They then say that they have the prostitute and her husband, who are pointing fingers at the friend. The prostitute is the only one who knows the actual truth, but she can't be forced to testify against her husband in court. So that puts the man in a sticky situation. He tells them that he didn't kill the guy, and it was all the pimp. The police swoop in, because of course they were wearing wires.

With the actual killer having been caught, the judge releases the client, and the prosecutor declines the invitation to retry the case.

Madeline then goes to Rosemary's grave. She says that she had stopped looking for Rosemary's killer, but now, she's determined to find out who did it.

#Proven Innocent #The Ravenclaw mod

[unfallen-angel]

Winds and Storms PT. 12

**Not my gif**

Masterlist  //  Part 11  //  Part 13

Bucky x reader

Sorry I’ve bee gone for a while. Here’s the next installment! Please tell me what you think!

"Does this hurt?" Tony asks as he jabs a sharp object into your side, his eyes never leaving your face.

"OW! Yes that hurts!" You cry out and try to turn away from him. "Asshat," you mutter as he drops the probe onto the metal table with a loud 'clink'.

"Perhaps this isn't the best way to go about checking her over," Bruce mumbles from the corner of the room, watching Tony decide what to poke you with next. "I feel like doing this in a contained environment will end badly."

"What's the matter, big man, afraid I'll break your toys again?" You laugh lightly and shift on the table.

"What?" Tony asks and folds his arms over his chest. The two men exchange a brief, knowing glance. "His toys? Who are you and what have you done with y/n?"

"Tony," Bruce warns quietly. "Maybe she just needs some time to adjust. She was there for awhile and maybe her body developed some new... defenses... to keep her mind from going insane?"

"Are you blaming my sarcasm on the fact that I was kidnapped, held against my will, experimented on, tortured, and not to mention my boyfriend has been the Winter Soldier ever since I got back? Surely that wouldn't turn anyone insane?" You roll your eyes and eye the needles on the table beside Tony. "More?" You are exasperated. Done with the pobes. Done with the testing.

"Listen, y/n, you are acting a bit... different," Bruce says cautiously. "James is coming around slowly, but you...You were never like this before. We have no way of knowing what happened to you in there, or what they did to you. What they gave you... it could have changed your entire make up. We just have no way of knowing -"

"How dangerous I am now?" You interrupt him bitterly. "I assure you. I'm even more dangerous than before." Hopping to your feet, you turn quickly and level both of them with a glare. "We're done for the day." Before either of them can say anything, you turn on your heels and stalk through the double glass doors.

"Well that went well," Bruce mutters under his breath to Tony as they watch you disappear down the hallway.

"Yeah. I'd say it did. She's different now... More... I can't put my finger on it." He scratches his chin and leans against the glass wall, staring off into space.

***

"Nat! Have you seen Bucky? I can't find him anywhere." You jog up to Natasha, who was lying on her back, lifting weights in the training center.

"No I haven't seen him? How did things go this morning?" She asks and drops the weight back onto the bar before sitting up to face you, a thin sheen of sweat on her forehead.

"Same old same old. They tried to get me to go all psycho. Tony kept poking me with sharp objects, but nothing. I don't feel the need to... you know... release the energy that I have."

"Do you think you can even control it if you were to release it?"

"I don't know," you answer honestly and sit down beside her on the bench. "But I don't really care. Like, I don't feel the need to hide behind a wall of insecurities, wondering if I'll kill someone if I sneeze in the wrong direction."

"I'll make sure I have a bit more than tissues if you ever get a cold then," Natasha jokes.

"Very funny. I'm going to go find the Soldier before he offs someone. Bye!" you call over your shoulder.

"Try the target range in the basement!" She calls after you. You give her a thumbs up and wait until you are in the stairwell to break into a sprint. Taking the stairs two at a time, you bounce to a stop right in front of the heavy metal door labeled 'RANGE 4'.

"Hello? Anyone home?" You push the door open with your shoulder. A rapid succession of bullets hitting the target at the end of the range causes you to jump and put your fingers in your ears. Should have worn earplugs, you think to yourself and peer around the wall.

Bucky is standing with his feet apart, aiming down the range. Another succession of shots. All hitting the target square in the head. You watch him in silent awe as he reloads and places the gun on the table in front of him and picks up another. He repeats his actions several more times, never missing. Never looking away. "What is it?" He asks finally, his voice deep and gravely.

You jump a little, embarrassed to be caught watching him. "Sorry I didn't mean to disturb you."

"I knew you were there," he states matter of factly.

"Can I shoot one?" you ask shyly and walk up to his large figure, placing your hand lightly on his metal forearm.

He pulls his arm away and loads another glock. "If you want to."

You take the gun he offers you and stand with your feet apart like you watched him do. You had never actually shot a gun before, but Bucky always made it look so easy. You pull the trigger and jump as the explosion of gunpowder echos in the concrete room. The bullet completely misses the target. "Shit," you whisper to yourself and look over your shoulder.

The Soldier is standing directly behind you, expressionless. It reminds you of the first day you met in the Quinjet on the way back from Russia. "You're too tense. You need to relax. Expect the recoil. Expect the bullet. Anticipate," he says quickly and steps behind you. His hands cover yours. He raises the gun and pushes your finger against the trigger. "Ready?"

You nod once and bite down hard on your lip, preparing for the noise and the motion of the gun in your hand as it recoils. Bucky pulls the trigger six times. Each time the bullet hits the mark on the target perfectly. "Again," you say and hand him the gun to reload. Picking up another from the table, you stand and fire 9 rounds into the target. None of the bullets hit the mark, but at least they hit the target.

"Again?" He asks with a slight smirk.

"Again." Handing him the gun, you select another. You develop a system. Firing the rounds, handing the gun to Bucky to reload, and then firing more rounds from a different glock.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Reload.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Reload.

Over and over again. The Rhythm began to feel normal. The glock felt good in your palms. The smell of gunpowder a strange comfort.

"This is therapeutic," you say after you fire another six bullets directly into the targets forehead. Placing the gun on the table, you turn to find Bucky staring at you with an odd expression. "What?"

Before you can say anything else, Bucky has you pinned against the wall with his body. The concrete digging uncomfortably into your back. You can feel every inch of him against you. "I didn't think you could get any more beautiful, but watching you fire my guns..." He pauses for a moment, skimming his nose along the exposed skin of your neck. "You are the sexiest and most deadly thing I've ever seen."

"Is this Bucky talking or the Soldier?" You ask, panting slightly. Heat pooling in your lower abdomen. The Soldier was rough and hard, but never cold. And Bucky was a little softer, but never this bold.

"Both," he whispers and places an open mouth kiss beneath your ear. A smile breaks across your face. "I know this is different and difficult for you, but we're trying. I'm trying," he whispers softly.

"Bucky?"

"Yeah?" His voice nearly breaks as he pulls you into a tight hug. "It's me. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. I knew that 'He' could get you back safely. I was so... Broken. I had just gotten you, and then I lost you. I didn't know what else to do."

"Hey. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm here now. You're here now. Where is..."

"He's still here. It's strange. We're the same person. The same body, but just with two different minds. I don't know how to connect them. To become just one." He sighs and leans back just enough to see your face. His eyes close and he inhales deeply, like he's trying to memorize the very scent of you. "Maybe we can go back to Wakanda and Shuri could find a way."

"I don't care how many different versions of you there are," you mutter quietly. "As long as they're all with me." His lips press firmly to yours, silencing anything else you were about to say.

"Excuse me. Mr. Stark requires your immediate attention in the common room." F.R.I.D.A.Y's voice sounds over the speaker in the range.

"How immediate?" Bucky asks hoarsely. He was fighting to stay in control of himself. You knew just how badly he needed you, because you needed him just as bad.

"Right now, Barnes! You too, y/n. Now!" Tony's voice sounded mechanical and robotic over the speaker. Of course he had overridden the system because you were taking too long.

"Alright, alright!" Bucky lets you go and starts to holster all his weapons. You shove your hands in your pockets and watch him work. His fingers nimbly clicking on the safety and buckling each gun securely into place. "Here." He reaches out to you. A small, black glock in his outstretched palm. "You can keep this one. You've got a nice shot."

"Thanks, Buck!" You beam up and him and secure it to the inside of your waistband, hiding it from view. "Locked and loaded," you tease and turn from side to side. "You can't even tell, right?"

"Nope." He enunciates the 'P' sound and you both smile slightly.

"NOW!" Tony's voice thunders over the speakers again.

Rolling your eyes, you follow Bucky up the stairs. "Maybe we can pick up where we left off?"

"That is a definite possibility."

***

“I don’t know what to do about this. About her! I’m not sure what we’re dealing with. I’ve already got one problem on my hands with the Winter Soldier walking around here, I don’t need another potential  H.Y.D.R.A. weapon threatening to implode at any second! I-”

“Tony,” Steve says calmly as you and Buck stop in the doorway.

“y/n, I…” Tony starts but you hold up your hand to stop him.

Bucky speaks before you can even formulate what to say next. “Thanks, Stark. That was real nice.” His tone is acidic. “Neither of us is a threat, alright? We’ve both had some tough shit to work through, but neither of is is ‘going to implode at any second’ as you put it. I’ve got it handled. And y/n - “

“Buck? Is it really you?” Steve says and moves to stand in front of the two of you. His eyes never leaving Bucky’s

“Yeah, Stevie, I’m back. I just needed some… some time to work through some things,” Bucky admits quietly.

“Alright, Robocop, but you can’t sit there and tell me that something isn’t different about her. Something isn’t quite right with y/n.” Tony rubs his stubbled chin with his fingers and levels you with a cautious glare. “We just don’t know what we’re dealing with, and that’s not okay.”

“Thank you so much, Tony, for your compassionate concern. Anyone else have any concerns about my ‘wellbeing?’” You ask venomously, eyes glinting.

“You have been a little more… bold… since you’ve been back,” Sam mutters cautiously, keeping his voice level and calm.

“I’m just not afraid anymore,” you admit with a shrug. “I’m not afraid of what I am, of what I can do.”

“And that right there.” Tony points at you and turns to face the rest of the Avengers. “That’s what I’m worried about! She’s not afraid of what she could do.”

“That’s not what I meant, Stark, and you know it! This is just your excuse to send me away again. To keep me out of the mansion for just a touch longer. Why? So you can figure out how to harness my power before H.Y.D.R.A. does?” Your voice is level, quiet, calm. But inside you are a tornado of emotions. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. Betrayal. “I was afraid of myself for so long, but now… I’m just… I don’t know how to put it… At peace with who I am? Maybe that’s not the right way to put it.”

“SECURITY BREACH. FILES ACCESSED FROM EXTERNAL SOURCE. NOT AUTHORIZED. NOT AUTHORIZED. SECURITY BREACH.”

The sound system blares overhead as white and red lights start blinking.

“H.Y.D.R.A.?” Steve shouts over the alarms.

“Or something worse. Something much, much worse,” Tony shouts back and scrambles to his office as fast as he can, everyone else in hot pursuit behind him.

“What could be worse than H.Y.D.R.A.?” Sam calls out as Tony overrides the system and silences the alerts.

His fingers glide over the keyboard of his laptop, eyes searching the screens. “The government.”

“You didn’t tell Fury about y/n?” Steve asks incredulously.

“No I did not, Captain. They don’t take well to new things! You should know that by now,” Tony retorts and continues to type.

“Why would they be concerned with me?”

“Well, princess, unlike me and the rest of the team, they truly would like to find a way to harness your power and use it against forces like H.Y.D.R.A. Their hearts are in the right place, they just don’t always go about it in the most ethical of ways.”

“More experiments,” you mutter quietly and grab Bucky’s hand tightly.

“Correct. Gotcha,” Tony says triumphantly with a final click, freezing the screen in the current frame.

“Hello, Tony.” A deep voice sounds from the doorway, everyone turns to look, everyone except Tony. “Seems we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Fury! I guess you aren’t the only one capable of keeping secrets,” Tony smiles and stands to great the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“SECURITY BREACH. SYSTEM OVERRIDE. Nick Fury is on his way to your office, sir,” F.R.I.D.A.Y’s disembodied voice comes across the speaker.

“Thanks. You’re just a touch late. Remind me to sell you for parts later,” Tony mutters to the AI system.

“We’re already in your office, Tony. Sit. All of you. Let’s talk,” Fury says calmly, his eyes landing curiously on you.

TAGLIST:  @ivartheblessed @hadesgirl1015 @yafriendlyfangirl @slender–spirit@imasxbstxn @laisbeltrans @glassheartandconcreteflowers

#bucky x reader #bucky x you #Bucky Barnes #Winter Soldier #Iron Man #tony stark #Steve Rogers #captain america #Black Widow #natasha romanoff #sam wilson #Avengers #Avengers Mansion #marvel #MCU #Winds and storms

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Sex And The City: 10 Miranda Hobbes Quotes That Are Still Hilarious Today

As a comedy, Sex and the City doesn't get the credit it deserves. Though very much a product of its time, its sense of humor was at the very least progressive. Brusque, candid, and sardonic, the show made even the most hardened viewers laugh. Every one of the four main characters had their own unique sense of humor. Carrie loved her comical observations and puns; Samantha was blunt; Charlotte made everyone laugh with her clueless WASPiness. Then there's Miranda, the red-headed embodiment of self-deprecating wit. Check out these reminders of how funny (and insightful) Miranda can be.

RELATED: 5 Reasons Sex and the City Has Aged Poorly (& 5 It’s Timeless)

10 "The least he could do is wait to get to know me before he rejects me."

In Season 3's "Frenemies," Miranda calls Carrie after her date stands her up. She's audibly upset, "eating out of plastic." Like so many of us, Miranda has a tendency to put herself down before anyone else can. And now she's doubting her own dating instincts. Later, Miranda learns her date didn't stand her up —  he died. At the funeral, Miranda ends up finding herself another date. Not the best timing or remotely appropriate, but you only live once, right? The guy turns out to be Carrie's ex, someone whom she claims to be a total. Miranda learns the hard way that Carrie's right.

9 "Your good friend, Miranda Hobbes, has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it."

Miranda is abstaining from sex. And she needs something to distract her in the meantime. So, in Season 4's "What's Sex Got to Do With It?," Miranda eats her feelings. Specifically, chocolate becomes her substitute for sex. Her emotional crutch is a problem, though, when she realizes she can't stop thinking about sex...or chocolate. When she actually eats some cake she's thrown away, Miranda has a rude awakening about her situation. Her confession on Carrie's answering machine is the kind of self-awareness we all strive for.

8 "I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces, and I'm on a liquid diet. Pain doesn't begin to cover it."

Miranda has been having headaches so severe she needs to see a doctor. To her surprise, the problem stems from her teeth. Apparently, she's a "tongue thruster" who must now wear braces for a year. That is until she can't bear the embarrassment any longer. After a humiliating moment at her job in Season 3's "Hot Child in the City," she has the braces removed. Miranda always makes a pointed joke at her own expense when life doesn't go her way. And while some adults are totally comfortable wearing braces, Miranda Hobbes is not one of them.

RELATED: Sex and the City: 5 Best & 5 Worst Relationships, Ranked

7 "That better be brand new."

Miranda was the first one in the group to have a kid. In Season 5's "Critical Condition," she's struggling to take care of her newborn Brady, and it shows in a frank conversation with the others. Charlotte and Carrie are supportive, but Samantha is not following suit — at all. To make things up to Miranda, Samantha offers her services and time. As Miranda takes her hair appointment, Samantha watches over Brady. The vibrating chair that calms Brady, however, breaks just as Miranda leaves. Samantha remedies the situation by using her "personal massager" to soothe Brady. Miranda's response to Samantha's resourcefulness is priceless.

6 "We're just choosy."

In Season 2's "The Freak Show,". Samantha's bad date invites one of Miranda's scathing critiques of the opposite sex. She points out there has to be something wrong with a man if he's both single and over thirty, to which Carrie asks about single women in their thirties — namely them. Miranda simply answers, "We're just choosy." This is Miranda's way of trying to understand the dynamics between men and women, and how to survive without harm in the confusing dating world.

5 "I can't have sex with a sandwich...can I?"

Miranda always asks the burning question on everyone's minds. No, but really, in Season 3's "Running with Scissors," Miranda becomes obsessed with a guy who wears a goofy sandwich costume as part of his job. With his costume providing anonymity, the guy "propositions" Miranda with a culinary, risqué double entendre. Miranda is at first offended by the sandwich harasser ⁠— then smitten. To say Miranda is having a rough patch is an understatement. She finally gives in and asks the sandwich guy to show her his face. He ends up being pretty cute, but the fantasy is over. She walks away smiling.

RELATED: 10 Sex & The City Storylines That Were Never Resolved

4 "Who is this, and what is she doing in my bedroom?"

In Season 3's "Attack of the 5'10" Woman," Miranda's devout housekeeper Magda takes it upon herself to replace her client's vibrator with a statue of the Virgin Mary. Magda believe that no man will want to marry Miranda if he sees she has a sex toy; he would think she doesn't need him. Miranda is irritated by Magda's prying, and she confronts her like only she can ("I drink coffee, and have sex, and buy pies, and enjoy battery-operated devices"). It may seem like she's overreacting, but Miranda is constantly judged for being single at her age. Let Miranda live, Magda.

3 "I'm on Valium; everything's okay."

When Miranda has her eyes operated on iin Season 3's "Where There's Smoke..," she needs someone to help her get home. Steve personally offers his help; Miranda says she'll ask Carrie. This understandably throws Steve for a loop. Later, Carrie sends Steve in her place. Miranda is reluctant to accept his help, but she's also high on Valium. Her refusal to let a man "rescue" her is challenged by Steve's earnest brand of kindness. Especially when Miranda's not always the nicest person to him. Nevertheless, Miranda wakes up the next morning with Steve lying next to her, seeing things clearly for the first time.

RELATED: Sex And The City: 6 Ways Big Was The Best (& 4 He Was The Worst)

2 "We didn't work out; you need to not exist."

Things come to a head for Carrie in Season 2's finale, "Ex and the City." She has a "Big" decision to make. Of course Miranda shares her own refreshing take on how she handles breakups realistically versus ideally. Her straightforward insight isn't easy to hear — especially for Carrie — and it may even make viewers feel sorry for Miranda. But rather than pity her, they should be proud. Miranda's statement is empowering. Not because she's acting like she's above graciously parting ways. No, she's being honest about how she can't break up without resentment. Miranda's humor is her greatest truth.

1 "He was looking into my eyes, I was looking for the remote."

In the final season's "Catch-38," Miranda is no longer single. And after holding out on marrying Steve, they finally tie the knot. Miranda sounds so relieved to hear from Carrie during her honeymoon, claiming she can't be sarcastic on a romantic getaway. For years, sarcasm was Miranda's defense mechanism. She needed it to keep her stable, and to help her stay emotionally safe when the world was unfair. It might seem like something she would give up now that she has a child and she's married, but Miranda isn't going to ever stop being funny. At first, it's how she survived. Now, it's just who she is.

NEXT: Sex And The City: 10 Quotes About Dating That Are Still Relevant Today

source https://screenrant.com/sex-and-the-city-miranda-hobbes-quotes-funniest-quotes/

#screenrant

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Sex And The City: 10 Miranda Hobbes Quotes That Are Still Hilarious Today – Screen Rant

As a comedy, Sex and the City doesn’t get the credit it deserves. Though very much a product of its time, its sense of humor was at the very least progressive. Brusque, candid, and sardonic, the show made even the most hardened viewers laugh. Every one of the four main characters had their own unique sense of humor. Carrie loved her comical observations and puns; Samantha was blunt; Charlotte made everyone laugh with her clueless WASPiness. Then there’s Miranda, the red-headed embodiment of self-deprecating wit. Check out these reminders of how funny (and insightful) Miranda can be.

RELATED: 5 Reasons Sex and the City Has Aged Poorly (& 5 It’s Timeless)

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10 “The least he could do is wait to get to know me before he rejects me.”

In Season 3’s “Frenemies,” Miranda calls Carrie after her date stands her up. She’s audibly upset, “eating out of plastic.” Like so many of us, Miranda has a tendency to put herself down before anyone else can. And now she’s doubting her own dating instincts. Later, Miranda learns her date didn’t stand her up —  he died. At the funeral, Miranda ends up finding herself another date. Not the best timing or remotely appropriate, but you only live once, right? The guy turns out to be Carrie’s ex, someone whom she claims to be a total. Miranda learns the hard way that Carrie’s right.

9 “Your good friend, Miranda Hobbes, has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it.”

Miranda is abstaining from sex. And she needs something to distract her in the meantime. So, in Season 4’s “What’s Sex Got to Do With It?,” Miranda eats her feelings. Specifically, chocolate becomes her substitute for sex. Her emotional crutch is a problem, though, when she realizes she can’t stop thinking about sex…or chocolate. When she actually eats some cake she’s thrown away, Miranda has a rude awakening about her situation. Her confession on Carrie’s answering machine is the kind of self-awareness we all strive for.

8 “I’m a 34-year-old woman with braces, and I’m on a liquid diet. Pain doesn’t begin to cover it.”

Miranda has been having headaches so severe she needs to see a doctor. To her surprise, the problem stems from her teeth. Apparently, she’s a “tongue thruster” who must now wear braces for a year. That is until she can’t bear the embarrassment any longer. After a humiliating moment at her job in Season 3’s “Hot Child in the City,” she has the braces removed. Miranda always makes a pointed joke at her own expense when life doesn’t go her way. And while some adults are totally comfortable wearing braces, Miranda Hobbes is not one of them.

RELATED: Sex and the City: 5 Best & 5 Worst Relationships, Ranked

7 “That better be brand new.”

Miranda was the first one in the group to have a kid. In Season 5’s “Critical Condition,” she’s struggling to take care of her newborn Brady, and it shows in a frank conversation with the others. Charlotte and Carrie are supportive, but Samantha is not following suit — at all. To make things up to Miranda, Samantha offers her services and time. As Miranda takes her hair appointment, Samantha watches over Brady. The vibrating chair that calms Brady, however, breaks just as Miranda leaves. Samantha remedies the situation by using her “personal massager” to soothe Brady. Miranda’s response to Samantha’s resourcefulness is priceless.

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6 “We’re just choosy.”

In Season 2’s “The Freak Show,”. Samantha’s bad date invites one of Miranda’s scathing critiques of the opposite sex. She points out there has to be something wrong with a man if he’s both single and over thirty, to which Carrie asks about single women in their thirties — namely them. Miranda simply answers, “We’re just choosy.” This is Miranda’s way of trying to understand the dynamics between men and women, and how to survive without harm in the confusing dating world.

5 “I can’t have sex with a sandwich…can I?”

Miranda always asks the burning question on everyone’s minds. No, but really, in Season 3’s “Running with Scissors,” Miranda becomes obsessed with a guy who wears a goofy sandwich costume as part of his job. With his costume providing anonymity, the guy “propositions” Miranda with a culinary, risqué double entendre. Miranda is at first offended by the sandwich harasser ⁠— then smitten. To say Miranda is having a rough patch is an understatement. She finally gives in and asks the sandwich guy to show her his face. He ends up being pretty cute, but the fantasy is over. She walks away smiling.

RELATED: 10 Sex & The City Storylines That Were Never Resolved

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4 “Who is this, and what is she doing in my bedroom?”

In Season 3’s “Attack of the 5’10” Woman,” Miranda’s devout housekeeper Magda takes it upon herself to replace her client’s vibrator with a statue of the Virgin Mary. Magda believe that no man will want to marry Miranda if he sees she has a sex toy; he would think she doesn’t need him. Miranda is irritated by Magda’s prying, and she confronts her like only she can (“I drink coffee, and have sex, and buy pies, and enjoy battery-operated devices”). It may seem like she’s overreacting, but Miranda is constantly judged for being single at her age. Let Miranda live, Magda.

3 “I’m on Valium; everything’s okay.”

When Miranda has her eyes operated on iin Season 3’s “Where There’s Smoke..,” she needs someone to help her get home. Steve personally offers his help; Miranda says she’ll ask Carrie. This understandably throws Steve for a loop. Later, Carrie sends Steve in her place. Miranda is reluctant to accept his help, but she’s also high on Valium. Her refusal to let a man “rescue” her is challenged by Steve’s earnest brand of kindness. Especially when Miranda’s not always the nicest person to him. Nevertheless, Miranda wakes up the next morning with Steve lying next to her, seeing things clearly for the first time.

RELATED: Sex And The City: 6 Ways Big Was The Best (& 4 He Was The Worst)

advertising

2 “We didn’t work out; you need to not exist.”

Things come to a head for Carrie in Season 2’s finale, “Ex and the City.” She has a “Big” decision to make. Of course Miranda shares her own refreshing take on how she handles breakups realistically versus ideally. Her straightforward insight isn’t easy to hear — especially for Carrie — and it may even make viewers feel sorry for Miranda. But rather than pity her, they should be proud. Miranda’s statement is empowering. Not because she’s acting like she’s above graciously parting ways. No, she’s being honest about how she can’t break up without resentment. Miranda’s humor is her greatest truth.

1 “He was looking into my eyes, I was looking for the remote.”

In the final season’s “Catch-38,” Miranda is no longer single. And after holding out on marrying Steve, they finally tie the knot. Miranda sounds so relieved to hear from Carrie during her honeymoon, claiming she can’t be sarcastic on a romantic getaway. For years, sarcasm was Miranda’s defense mechanism. She needed it to keep her stable, and to help her stay emotionally safe when the world was unfair. It might seem like something she would give up now that she has a child and she’s married, but Miranda isn’t going to ever stop being funny. At first, it’s how she survived. Now, it’s just who she is.

NEXT: Sex And The City: 10 Quotes About Dating That Are Still Relevant Today

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100+ [REALLY] Cool Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Looking for a quick laugh at the end of a stressful day? A few short but funny quotes will definitely tickle your funny bone and beat away your blues. We’ve compiled a list of 100+ really hilarious quotes that you can send to anyone you know. We also have a great collection of Good Morning Wishes.

Really Cool Funny Quotes

1. “You are 100% unique and special – just like everyone else I know.” 2. “You’ll never get out of life alive, so don’t take it too seriously.” 3. “A day without sunshine is no different than the night.” 4. “What makes a successful woman? A woman that can spend more money than a successful man makes.” 5. “Make sure you know your facts so that you can distort them later.” 6. “You wouldn’t sit for a month if you could kick the person responsible for your troubles in the pants.” 7. “I might be a drunk, but when I am sober, you’ll still be ugly.” 8. “There’s no fun in agreement; it simply kills the chatter.” 9. “I’m on my way – although I don’t know where I am going.” 10. “Why is a woman’s mind cleaner than a man’s? She changes it often.” 11. “Who’s the best person to borrow money from? A pessimist. They won’t expect it back anyway.” 12. “The right speech is like a skirt: short enough to create interest and long enough to cover the areas that matter.” 13. “Coincidence is God’s disguise.” 14. “Einstein said there is a difference between genius and stupidity – genius has limits.” 15. “Education is the only thing that interferes with learning.” 16. “I want to live poor, but with a lot of money in the bank.” 17. “Why paint pictures that make sense when the world is in disarray?” 18. “Money doesn’t make you happy. I was happy when I had $80, and I am happy having $90.” 19. “I have my own opinions, but don’t agree on them, or they may change.” 20. “Old people always poke you at weddings and say “you’re next.” When I go to a funeral, I am going to poke them and say “you’re next.”

21. “The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” 22. “Name the presidents? Don’t they have their own names?” 23. “I am not me. I am drunk.” 24. “I’m selling a parachute. It’s been used once and never been opened; there’s a small stain.” 25. “How many people work here? Only about ½ of them.” 26. “I refuse to answer any question I don’t know the answer to.” 27. “Temptation is the only thing I can’t resist.” 28. “Money is the key to happiness. Worst case scenario, if you have enough money, you can buy the key.” 29. “Everyone should accept who they are. Except you. You’re crazy.” 30. “The worst two minutes of my life were when I tried to be normal.” 31. “May your Monday be short, and your coffee be strong.” 32. “There will come a day when young people make fun of the old you.” 33. ““Just kidding” is the one lie I keep telling that all of these fools keep believing.” 34. ““Nothing is impossible.” Well, I do a great damn job of doing nothing most of the day – and I get paid to do it.” 35. “I was about to have a battle of wits with you, but it’s not right to have a battle with an unarmed man.” 36. “Procrastinate is a game, and I am a “pro” at it.” 37. “This will be known as the era when smartphones were created and started the race of the human zombies.” 38. “There are two things that I see every day: stupid people and stupid people on smartphones.” 39. “It’s all fun and games until the cops are called. Now, it’s a game of hide and seek with, hopefully, no winner.” 40. “Killing people is wrong, but we kill people that have killed other people because killing bad people is accepted.”

41. “I think it’s time I go take a hot shower. It is just like a normal shower until I get in it.” 42. “Math has completely taken over my life. Here I am, trying to make more money, lose more weight, divide my time while multiplying it, and I am completely lost half of the time.” 43. “If the world didn’t suck so much, we would float off into outer space.” 44. “There are three times when you can’t hold a person to their word: when they’re drunk, when they’re running for office, and when they’re in love.” 45. “Everyone thinks that no one in the world thinks that they’re important until they stop paying their bills.” 46. “It’s easy to admire the patience of the driver behind you, but impossible to admire the patience of the driver ahead of you – step on the gas already.” 47. “How can anyone say that they’re perfect when we all have a crack in our ass?” 48. “Everyone says that they want to save enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. I have enough money to life comfortably – until the end of the week at least.” 49. “Every morning that you wake up, you want to make the devil say “oh crap, she is awake.”” 50. “They always say that silence is golden, but I found out that duct tape is silver and it seems to work just as well.” 51. “I would pay attention if I wasn’t so broke.” 52. “When you think about it, friendship is kind of like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but you’ll be the only one that can truly feel it.” 53. “You will find a lot of people who are willing to help you move for a slice of pizza, but only your best friend will help you move a dead body.” 54. “The only one that will lay your life down for the country is yourself – and your local politician.” 55. “In business, tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.” 56. “There is only one person that you have to check your calendar for before scheduling an appointment – death.” 57. ““You’re one in a million.” Big deal! There are still 6,000 other people in the world that are just like you.” 58. “Alarm clocks only ensure one thing: that you wake up in the morning having a heart attack.” 59. “I would rather try to smell the number 9 than try to understand what you’re saying.” 60. “Want to know the truth about parents? Parents hire babysitters that are trying to act like adults, while the adults go out and try to act like a bunch of teenagers. It’s a never-ending cycle of trying to be younger and older.”

61. “I got the best compliment today. I walked out to my car and found a note from someone that says “Parking fine.” They must have really admired my parking job.” 62. “Everyone says that I lack ambition, but I did a few researchers to get that information.” 63. “Home Alone is the best movie to watch backwards. You’re shown a story of two men that are helped by a young kid that put out traps before he cleans them up and gets yelled at by his parents.” 64. “Don’t you miss the old days when you liked someone and all you had to do was chase them on the playground?��� 65. “I never get into fights with ugly people – they have nothing to lose.” 66. “You can push a person to do anything – but make it through a door that says “pull.”” 67. “I am a writer, and the hardest part of the day is not getting distracted by the Internet. The other 1% is all about inspiration.” 68. “It’s an enigma. You see only happy singles when you’re dating and happy couples when you’re single.” 69. “I’m not fat. Nature is just saying that I am so good, there should be more of me.” 70. “Sarcasm is a natural defense mechanism against stupidity.” 71. “Being stupid in love means you’ve fallen so head over heels that you got brain damage.” 72. “What’s the one thing every successful student has? A Facebook that is deactivated.” 73. “Facebook isn’t a diary where you only post your life’s disappointments and failures.” 74. “Falling on your face is good for you as long as you keep going forward.” 75. “Stress can only come from three things: family, money and family with no money.” 76. “Love is kind of like a fart; if you have to force your love, it’s probably crap.” 77. “Staying positive is easy when all you keep doing is falling on your face.” 78. “Relationships that don’t end well all start the same way: he is so different. But they always end with: “he is just like the rest.”” 79. “There is no difference between a bully at school and upper level management at work.” 80. “The only good women that exist are all already taken.”

81. “You never want to argue with a fool because he will be doing the same thing.” 82. “Thank God you’re not intelligent. At least you never have to act.” 83. “Everyone calls it schizophrenia. I just think of it as having my own social network with the people that matter most to me.” 84. “The large print has a way of giving you everything you could possibly want, while the small print has a way of taking it all away.” 85. “The moment that scientists find the center of the universe, there will be a lot of people that are upset that they’re not in it.” 86. “I have left my past behind me. P.S. If I owe you money, I have already moved on.” 87. “Fools are the only people that seems to live forever. They just don’t understand dying.” 88. “Love is the hourglass that fills up, and quickly pours out taking all of a man’s money.” 89. “Financially, I am not ready for Christmas. But I am ready for all the presents I will get.” 90. “Men have a life that is amazing. First, we believe in Santa Claus, then we don’t believe in Santa Claus, and then when we have kids, we are Santa Claus.” 91. “The best way to explain intelligence is to sit down and point out all of the idiots.” 92. “The beautiful women that play hard to get are the same ones who pray the hardest to get a husband.” 93. “Rich men aren’t stupid; they are the only ones that will get another man to spend their minutes on them.” 94. “Bank accounts are the true evidence of how badly I can manage my finances.” 95. “There are many ways to argue with a woman, but none of them work for me.” 96. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – until they say something stupid, and you have to punch them in the eye.” 97. “Best friends are the only people that cheer you on when you’re angry and try to get you to punch someone else in the face.” 98. “Having two children made me realize that I need to hire a referee.” 99. “Being a women is a tough job; we always have to deal with men.” 100. “I have lost a lot of things in life, but the one thing I miss the most is my mind.”

101. “My parents would be so proud of me if Facebook and Twitter were all school subjects.” 102. “Everyone says life is short, but who took the measurements?” 103. “The saying goes, “no matter how hot she is, there is someone tired of dealing with her sh**.”” 104. “You become very good at fractions when you grow up with siblings.” 105. “I may be the oddest person among a group, but I am the gold tooth that shines the most.” 106. “Women are just like telephones. They love when you talk to them and hold them, but if you press the wrong buttons, you’ll be disconnected.” 107. “I would pray for strength, but I am too afraid I will throw you out of the window.” 108. “You know the way I look at chocolate cake? That is how I want people to look at me.” 109. “Geniuses can’t answer the questions of a stupid person.” 110. “You may not like my sarcasm, but I don’t like your stupidity.” 111. “People that know the least about you always think they know the most.” 112. “I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship with someone that lives in my future.” 113. “When life gives me lemons, I patiently wait for the person that has vodka to come along, so we can have a party.” 114. “You can be the smartest person in the world, but you’ll never be able to convince a stupid man that he’s stupid.” 115. “I am the best person in the world at keeping secrets. I will forget what you say two minutes from now.” 116. “Dating an ex is like failing a test that you already have the answers to.” 117. “There’s always a person that thinks you’re flirting with them when you’re just being nice.” 118. “There’s one advantage to exercising every day: you’ll die healthier.” 119. “You can keep rolling your eyes, so hopefully, you find a brain back there.” 120. “If you can’t find a problem, look in the mirror and stare it right in the face.” 121. “Women must get so tired with putting on two faces in the morning.” 122. “Sometimes, the other person is an idiot and doesn’t take the first step to forgiveness.” 123. “Laughter is the best medicine until they put you on medicine.” 124. “True friends are those that never judge another person while they’re alone.” 125. “Facebook is a game that everyone plays with a face of caring and compassion although they don’t really care.” 126. “Good friends are the friends that never let you make a stupid decision while you’re alone.” 127. “I will be there the moment karma hits you in the face – just in case it needs a little help.” 128. “Politicians have a way of promising the world while taking away every last penny you have.”