#i am a trans person who's struggled with severe dysphoria for many years and was obsessed with passing as cis for a long time

[smilepaint]

anyway the concept of passing is a scam. we will never be liberated until the idea that a trans person's inherent value and worth and validity is directly proportional to their resemblance to a cis person. and i say this not just to those who struggle to or do not fit into that box, but to those who very much do and are counting themselves lucky.

the same way that its unhealthy and unreasonable to expect a same gender couple to conform to notions of what a heterosexual family should be, its unhealthy and unreasonable to have to expect a transgender experience of identity and a transgender body to conform to a cisgender ideal. not only does it further the marginalisation of trans people and drive a wedge in our community, but it's an unhealthy way to see the world and relate to yourself. its not fair to expect a human being to go their whole life in states of checking the value of their body and their life against a societally imposed, often unattainable model that may not even reflect their own desires or goals.

it's tough, i know how tough it is to go against everything you've been taught, and the right to seek medical intervention to reshape ourselves in a way that deepens and solidifies our connection to our bodies is and will always be important. but for your own mental health, whatever shape you take must reflect yourself first. not a cis persons. transition is about making a home out of the body you're living in, in whatever way works for you.

you deserve the mental freedom that comes with removing "passing" from your emotional radar entirely. trans bodies are good bodies.

#text tag #transgender #nonbinary #transition #gender #this is kind of a loaded take so to tack on some things #i am a trans person who's struggled with severe dysphoria for many years and was obsessed with passing as cis for a long time #there was a long time in which i would've preferred to stop living over going the rest of my life with visible surgery scars #just think about that.. idk how fucked is it that teen me thought it would be better to literally die than have one clear tell that im trans #im so much happier post surgery scars and all and like yes i fucking hate them. but i know i shouldn't and im trying to heal #also im very aware that passing as cis is OFTEN a safety issue and thats not what im speaking to here #im talking about mental health and longterm societal change and the gradual betterment of gender diverse peoples #not just from a gender standpoint but honestly from a decolonial standpoint #from a te ao māori perspective there was never an ideal of passing as “cis” for trans or takatāpui individuals #anyway yea obsession with passing wears people down into self hating wrecks and im sick of seeing that happen to our youth #and to every trans person regardless of where they're at in their journey

[friendsofmedusa]

How could you claim to know anything about the whole of trans people when you solely go off of the people who are bad, who just so happen to be trans?

I am an s/a victim, both of a cis male, and years later, of a nonbinary person. To avoid your mockery, I won't say anything about the fact that although I am still skeptical of men, I try hard not to judge, I will only say it of nonbinary people.

I am a skeptical person, and I don't trust others as quickly as I do women. I can acknowledge that there are bad people who are trans. But I'm not going to see a problem with them as a whole.

What I can't understand, I will give voice to, and what I have a problem with, I will give voice to as well. But I'm not immediately going to dismiss it because I'm angry or don't understand.

So I don't understand why TERFS or " radical feminists "—you're not radical, by the way, you're nothing new—claim to know so much about others' lives, despite the fact that they don't understand anything at all about why trans people feel the way they do so much as assume how they feel, based off of a narrow‐minded, extremist outlook that will only ever see the negative of anything that isn't immediately understood.

Standing up for women and speaking on the struggles they go through, talking about the trans people who happen to be bad, standing up for assault victims, talking about the men that are bad and what's wrong with male culture, that's not wrong, at all. I don't even need to say so, but I would like to clarify it.

But you are extremist. How can you accurately or impartially assess anyone's life—especially one you would never fully understand, even if you were supportive of it, or humble enough to try and learn about it—from a standpoint like that?

How can you talk so knowingly of the minds of people you don't take seriously, anyway?

First of all, I'm deeply sorry about what you went through, that is horrendous and I hope you are well and recovering.

Now, addressing the rest of your ask.

I don't base my opinion of trans people solely on the bad ones, that would be stupid. I've met plenty, both on the internet and in real life, who were good people. And I do believe there are some genuine transexual people, whose dysphoria is so severe that transitioning is the only valuable option for them.

That said, I don't believe in the concept of gender. Or, I think it's a concept we should actively work to dismantle instead of enforcing it, as it's the main tool men use to keep us women under their heel. Gender is nothing but a stinky pile of conservative and downright sexist gender roles and expectations, why shouldn't I be against it when it's actively harming my life as a woman?

And before you say something along the lines of "But trans people are redefining the gender binary yadda yadda yadda", let me just say: no, they are not.

There is literally nothing as sexist as claiming to be of the opposite sex because you don't conform to society's expectations of how you should dress, act, speak. I should've transitioned years ago if that were the case.

But moving on.

I don't see a problem with the whole of trans people. I fully support their rights to housing, jobs, healthcare, you name it.

Who I have a problem with is men, aka adult human males. Reason why, scroll my blog and you'll get the gist. And trans ideology is offering men new ways to torture women.

Just look at all the inmates id-ing as trans to be moved to women's prisons. It's either one of two cases: one, there's an alarming number of rapists among trans women, and women are fucking right not to want them in their spaces; two, you can't take someone's word at face value when it comes to psychiatric disorders (because let me remind you that gender dysphoria still is a psychiatric disorder).

And when you say that radfems don't know anything about the trans experience, you are just plain wrong. Many, many of us are dysphoric women and detransitioners. We've been there, we just didn't fall down the hole of medicalisation.

And that's really the crux of it. You say I'm an extremist, and for what?

For saying we shouldn't unnecessarily medicalise children? For saying that SRSs are Doctors playing fucking Frankenstein on depserate people? For saying that therapy should be the primary form of medical care a dysphoric person should receive, instead of going straight to irreversible surgery?

If that makes me an extremist, glad to be one.

#radblr #radfem safe #radfems interact #radfems do interact #radfems do touch #radfems please touch #terfsafe #radfems please interact #radical feminist safe #terfblr

[queer-queries]

Hiii so this is less of a query more of a. Rant I guess? Just wanna get thoughts out about this, maybe get some thoughts from someone who's genderqueer and possibly anyone following this blog who may have a similar experience

So ok. Context. I'm a transmasc nonbinary turian, and I've identified as such for I think 2 years now? I'm pretty comfortable in the fact that I am those things. But uh, there's a part of me that i think is still a lil attached to the fact that I was, at some point not that long ago, a straight girl. And not like, as in before I realised I was trans, there was fully a time where I was a cis straight girl. And I think there's a part of me that's still attached to what I used to be. Which is definitely somewhat dysphoric to think, heck calling myself a girl is just Not Right At All.

So like! It's confusing. I think I'm a turigirl? But I'm just not fully sure if it's a bit of me not fully internalising being trans now, or if its genuine attachment that will stick around even after I've fully transitioned. And again, calling myself a girl is dysphoric, and so the term turigirl is a bit dysphoric? Even though. I think it somewhat fits? I also think I'm actually still a lil bit straight as well actually which is really confusing ahah. So I guess I'm a straight turigirl? Idk still sounds a lil weird on me,,,,

Sorry if this is awfully worded I did not proof read this at all, uhm, hopefully you have a lil advice? Even just. A term for turigirl that isn't turigirl would be swell. tysm you are amazing

hi friend! as someone whose dysphoria has been getting worse lately but definitely has a complicated relatioinship and history with gender, i feel like i get a bit where you're coming from! dysphoria can be arbitrary! but i know that even many multigender transmascs who are both transmasc and girls still struggle with calling themselves girls because they get dysphoria from it because even though they ARE girls, they only ever get called girls to misgender them and deny them their transmasculinity. so you are absolutely not alone in your experience as a transmasc with a connection to girlhood but still getting dysphoria from that term and the thought of it.

since im a sucker for making people happy with terms, i've gone ahead and coined a term for you! i hope it fits! and if it helps, i've personally met several turigirls who id'd as straight in a way as well! and it doesn't need to make sense to me or anyone else- if it makes sense or feels right to you, that's what matters! i hope you have a lovely day anon <33 /p

#reign replies #queer advice #transmasc #nonbinary #dysphoria #turigirl #gender advice

[so-i-did-this-thing]

hi. i have two questions. firstly, is awesome to see you're a professional oboeist- i also play the oboe (and flute.) my teacher is the former first oboe and cor anglais from the lso (it's him on star wars!) and i wanted to ask what your favourite piece to play is.

secondly, i am a young trans person, and i came out to my mother (it's just us) when i was 11. she thought it was a phase then, and still does now i think, despite a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, a serious related eating disorder, depression and attempts at my life. i'm just turning 16 in a month, which means i might be able to start considering hormones (by the way. you give me hope). however, she constantly says things like, trans activists are causing gender clinics to be shut down, and harassing people for not conforming, and...a lot about the mysterious militant trans activists. how true is this? should i give up hope on her ever respecting my identity and pronouns, despite her organising my appointments with the gender clinic?

Heya! I know so many trans oboists, welcome to the club! Super cool about your teacher -- my own brush with fame is I used to attend John Mack's oboe camps for many years before he passed.

1) My favorite symphonic pieces are the Hindemith Symphonic Metamorphoses and the Bartok Concerto for Orchestra. My favorite chamber would be the Poulenc Trio for oboe, bassoon, and piano.

2) Militant trans activists asserting the gender binary and closing the very clinics that serve trans people... yeah, that is a myth.

But what is happening in many places is a legal effort to severely restrict, and even ban, gender affirming care for trans people, especially minors. And this is coming from conservative, cisgender parties, with the occasional trans person or detransitioner in their pocket. (Sad, but true.)

3) If you want to see what the path to medical transition could look like for you, see what gender affirming care looks like in your area, look for local news stories, and get a feel for what laws are being proposed. It is not an easy road -- you will be open to a lifetime of risk (moreso from transphobes than medical complications), and only you can decide what is best for you.

4) As for moms turning around -- my own mother set my transition back 11 years with her initial and constant disapproval, but she's now the sort of mother who paid for my top surgery and is helping me flee Florida’s transphobic laws. So, folks absolutely can change, and being firm with your identity and boundaries helps a ton here, as does picking your battles (my mom still struggles to remember my new name).

Glad I could help in some way! :)

#trans stuff #anon

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 1 - 12 February 2023, 11:16am

Hours are all I go by now.

For as long as I remember, I've had a strange crush on girls and women. It started from when I was 7. It could have gone on even further back, though; I remember when my dad was angry at me; he cut up one of the plushie dogs that I had. I don't know how we came into possession of it, but, meh. Not like it matters.

Back to the main issue. I had crushes on women and girls for as long as I remember, from when I was seven. Not taking into account leap years, and when I started school, it was too long ago.

one hundred and six thousand, one hundred and fifty-two hours - twelve years - ago, and counting.

...

There was a time, in mathematics class, where we were tasked to do mental sums, and write answers on our small personal whiteboards, which we'd raise to let the teacher in class look. There was a tall girl sitting next to me. I'd look over at her, to look at her features. She thought I was cheating on that test then, but... she didn't know. I don't blame her. I wish I could apologize, but, that was over seventy-eight thousand hours (nine years) ago. She'd probably not even recognize me.

I wish I could forget.

...

Many hours ago, I imagined what it would be like for me to wake up next to a gender-swapped version of myself. The first thing I'd do would be to chat with her (it feels right to be called a her). The first thing I remember asking her was how life was like back from where she came from. If she loved science the same way I used to, if she had the same thoughts and feelings about our teachers.

I don't remember anything else. I just recall that meeting being one between two old friends.

I don't know what happened to her, but I pray that she's happy, wherever she is. I sure as hell am not.

Twenty-four thousand, one hundred and forty-four hours ago, I entered my first serious relationship. My partner approached me, and asked to try out being in a relationship. I agreed.

I wish I didn't.

Over the next, almost-three years, resentment grew. I grew jealous of the things she could do. I never noticed it at first, but eventually, I grew to want to be her.

...creep.

Four months ago, I woke up, not wanting to be a man anymore.

That was over two thousand and forty hours ago. I felt... panicked. All I remember in the days preceding it was how I used to get envious of girls and their physical features. Like how they didn't have an obtrusive dead thing hanging out in front of their groins. Like how they had hair that just grew for days.

I'd get envious of them even if said girls weren't real; it was the reason why I'd stop playing games much, but you'll see that later. Either way, I finally understood what all the feelings I felt towards the girls around me were. I finally learnt the vocabulary to articulate my emotions, thoughts, and desires, and as I learnt them, everything fell into place.

There was no way that someone could fall for over twenty (this might be a severe underestimation) girls and women, indiscriminately, over a span of twelve years, when I only actually experienced romantic feelings for two or three of them. Something was wrong with me, and I hated it. Either way, it's been too many hours. I can't apologize to them; it's too long.

Fucking creep.

I used to be a part of an online trans community, but that was over a hundred and twenty hours, or five days, ago. I left. After a while, the pain, and the futility of my own situation drove me away. I was too angry for my own good, and took that out on people who weren't related to me, except by the universal struggle of dysphoria, the namesake of this blog.

Forty-eight hours ago, I felt her again. Screaming. I was playing It Takes Two with my ex-partner then. I felt her scream crush my heart as she yearned so desperately to be like one of the characters in that game. An animate, sentient flower, of all things. The flower's name was Joy. Then again, it wasn't just her screaming. I was, too.

[DEADNAME]'s staring; don't sit like that.

Just half an hour ago, I deleted the pictures of girls, and their lives, that I've been hoarding for about five years, from my phone. Five years of pictures, gone. It was a paltry amount compared to what those other creeps on Tumblr had, but still... they were all I had. The closest I could get, in terms of peering into a life as a girl. A part of me wonders if I've set some part of myself free, but, I know that I've set the girls in those photos free; they... deserve better than being lusted over, than just being mere tools for secondhand euphoria. They deserve to live.

Do I?

. .. ...

do i..?

Creep.

Set me free. Set us free.

#screaming into the void #please #help me #I don't want to live like this anymore

[cowboyjen68]

Recently I’ve been debating getting top surgery. I know that some butches get top surgery and seem happy with the results but I’ve also met some who grew out of their discomfort with time. So I guess I’m debating if I should wait to see if maybe the discomfort around my chest will ease with age or if I should look into getting top surgery. The ones I’ve talked to also had this discomfort about their breast growing during puberty but they said after some time it decreased but for mines it seems like a problem that hasn’t gone away.

I am so sorry for the delay, seems work and side gigs are taking up a lot of my time lately. 

I can only speak from my experience with my body and from other lesbians I talk to... and I talk to a lot. I have many friends across generations. Many of my younger friends are butch but not all. My older friends are a myriad of types of lesbians and as diverse as the greater population. This weekend now that we are all vaccinated we had a campfire with 12 lesbian, 5 butches present. We have definitely had discussions about our breasts, discomfort, and the mourning over loosing breasts to cancer (or the danger of cancer).  Most of my buddies, from 19 to 68 share similar stories about learning to be at least “okay” with their bodies in a world where our physical attributes are often used to define our personality, and our worth. 

One thing we ALL share, as women, not just lesbians, is that we were at best dissatisfied that we have breasts starting as soon as they begin to form. I was 7 when mom told me I had to wear a shirt outside. Wow was I pissed. AND as a 7 years old I knew it had nothing to do with me but everyone seemed just fine with the fact that men were the issue but since we can’t change them we must change our own behavior.

 I remember thinking “how is me not wearing a shirt a problem”. Breasts had been neutral for me at that point. Just another part of my body. Once I realized “they” made me different, more vulnerable, more controlled, less “human” than those around me without breasts I turned my hate on my body instead of the people who really were to blame. Just like I was taught, I can’t control the men but I perhaps I could control my body. 

I have raised at least 10 teenage daughters (2 are lesbians now) my youngest adopted is 15 and when her other mom told her to put on a shirt in the summer of her 8th birthday, even in our rural yard she looked at me dead in the eye and said “why haven’t you fixed this yet?” (meaning women’s bodies being subject to the eyes and opinions of men). I wonder.. why haven’t we? She is the youngest, but all the others grew from hating their breasts to at least neutral, some really love their bodies and that is lovely. 

Lesbians are unique in our dealings of men’s opinions because we never need or want the approval of men in relation to our bodies. The opposite in fact.. we would prefer they see us void of anything they find sexual. Many women, straight, bi, lesbian eventually either learn to give no shits about the opinions of men or they learn to work around that feeling.

Ok.. all that being said, my story. My breasts are B cups, perhaps C’s when I was a bit heavier weight wise. I wore regular bras WITH padding and always as tight as a could to make them less noticeable. When I came out i switched to sports bras because i was embracing being butch and no longer wanted to play the game of wearing  “pretty bra” . I never wore tight shirts, always baggy. I wore the tightest bra I could wear to keep my breasts smaller, less visible. FOR YEARS. 

Going to a women’s festival opened my eyes to the many ways bodies can be. The many ways BUTCH bodies can exist. Women went topless and NO one sexualized them. (except when appropriate-- like while flirting etc when it was welcomed). Thousands of people, many topless and no one, not one person was oogled, cat called, teased, or otherwise treated as different than someone wearing a shirt.  What did they all share? Why was it different than in other places? Women. All women and mostly lesbians. However that did not automatically translate to “I am going back to the real world and giving no fucks about the reality of existing with breasts in our world”. It took time.

I no longer wear a bra just an undershirt. BUT I am in control of where I go, who I interact with most of the time. If I was still at my retail job, I’d probably still wear a bra. I no longer dislike my breasts. I love them. They bring me pleasure, they bring my girlfriend pleasure. They are a lovely part of me BUT that does not mean I am not very aware in public of my nipples being visible or of people noticing I am braless. And I imagine it is harder for women with larger breasts. 

Had binders been a “thing”, had I had access to a double  mastectomy, or the idea of it i cannot say that would have pursued either. The pattern suggests I would have. But again., neither were on my radar, not options presented to me or encouraged as a way to solve my discomfort.

 I have  three friends who have had elective double mastectomies. And many who had one to prevent or remove cancer. Several of them suffer consistent and painful nerve damage that is not treatable, is quite common, is unpredictable (they can’t know who will have it) and possibly life long. Of the three who were trying to alleviate the distress of dysphoria, all three regret the decision and none of them are over 30 yet. These women are all lesbians. Those who had the surgery because of cancer are thrilled to be happy and alive with less worry, although they do deal with nerve issues and mourn the loss of a part of their body. 

I have a few trans men friends, although we are not close. A  couple of them have had double mastectomies but their thoughts or feelings have not come up, we are just not close enough for such a personal discussion and none have had the surgery for more than 2 years.  I have had lots of older lesbians friends (and a few younger) who did get breast reduction surgery and their health and mental health were both improved. Their backs are better, their clothes fit better and they feel more active, less self conscious with out the physical risks of a full mastectomy. 

The easy answer and what I WANT to say, is be patient, find lots of older lesbians friends to show you your body is neutral, men are the problem. Give yourself time to understand that your breasts are as butch as the rest of you. They are a natural part of your body and how you are meant to be. Also, I know there is not an easy answer. Men will continue to exist. They will continue to sexualize lesbians (with or without breasts). I didn’t outgrow wishing my breasts could just disappear(in public settings) until my 40′s but it got easier and easier to sort of “live with it”. I am many times over grateful for my healthy breasts now. 

Seek therapy.. and not someone who will just go along with what ever you say. My therapists works me hard. She makes me answer the hard questions. She has me vocalize things that I don’t even want to admit in my head let alone out loud. Find one like that. Find one who is willing to explore all the reasons your breasts cause you distress. Then, if you decide to proceed, you can do so knowing you were worth the hard work and you can feel more confident in making an informed decision. Don’t make any decisions based on the opinions of men. Your body. YOUR decision. Write that down on a post it and keep it somewhere you will see it. 

If you would like to speak to some others who are struggling with how you feel or want to talk to lesbians who can tell you about their double mastectomies, DM me, perhaps I can connect you. 

If  anyone wants to add their experience in the notes please be kind. No judgement for anyone making such a difficult decision. 

One last thing to this long post. From one butch to another.  I care about you and I am saddened and angry at  bull shit you have to wade through in this world. I get it. You are not alone. 

[autiebiographical]

Hello,

So, I saw that you take july off. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have sent anything, I hope I don't disturb you. I just couldn't send it later since I'm going to not have access to my computer for some times soon.

I'm here because I saw several psy, and even thought I complained about it, they want me to get my IQ tested and testing if I have asperger. I'm suspected to be/have asperger since some years, they think that now I'm 17 it's time. So, I have some questions if you don't mind.

What is this test? Why is it important to know if I have asperger or not? The world will not change for me anyway, since it never did when I was already showing difficulties.

What exactly is being non-verbal or semi-verbal? I interrogated myself on the subject, since I'm not capable to speak to anyone but my family. Is it possible for it to go away? It is hard when oral exams happen, and to establish relationship.

Is it possible to live a good life as an asperger? Personnally, I hate being touched and don't understand social cues, I am very sensible to sounds and lights, I struggle to talk to people, to make friends... With all of this, how can my life be okay?

What should I do when I'm breaking down? I think there was a term for that, like overload or something. Sometimes, I completely loose it, most of the time, in very noisy places, sometimes just because of a fly or anything. It can get really hard, and it take me a lot of time to calm down, it sometimes take me days to completely have it out. How can I calm down quickly and easily, for school for example?

Do autistic people view gender and sexuality differently? I've always been bad with that, I never understood anything of it. To me, these notions are blurry. Since I experience what I think is gender dysphoria since some years (start of puberty and before), I think since some years I'm a trans guy. But is it because girls with asperger are not girly and don't understand gender norms? I just wish I had no buisness with gender, like, no gender at all. Is it a common feeling in autistic people?

Thanks a lot if you took the time to read this. I'm sorry, it was a bit long. I hope I'm not disturbing you or asking to many things. Let me know if that's the case.

(I don't know exactly why I put this on anonymous, don't take it as an offense or anything, I'm not ashamed of my possible autism, nor am I to send you a message, I'm just a reserved and secret person.)

Hi! Don't worry about having sent this while I was on break.

What is this test? Why is it important to know if I have asperger: The assessment for autism or Asperger's, since some countries still diagnose Asperger's, can be different depending on where you are, and who your doctor/therapist is. It's important to know if you are autistic because having that on your medical record can help open doors to needed support. Things like therapy, assistive devices, disability, etc. It can also help you understand yourself better.

What exactly is being non-verbal or semi-verbal? Being non-verbal/semi-verbal is when you can't communicate verbally. There's no definitive reason why it happens (at least not yet). For some people it does go away, but not for everyone. However there are ways of communicating without talking. There's text-to-speech, sign language, and visual aids. This is called Alternative and Augmentative Communication (AAC). I suggest you research it. It may help you.

Is it possible to live a good life as an asperger? Yes, it is absolutely possible. I'm living proof. Will there be struggles? Most likely, but getting diagnosed, and getting the assistance you may need can certainly help you on your journey to a good life.

What should I do when I'm breaking down? It sounds like sensory overload from sound. Noise cancelling headphones can definitely help with this, but when you're in an environment where you can't wear them, like in class, you may need to find coping mechanisms to help fend off a break down. Stimming is a good why to regulation yourself, but this is something you can figure out in therapy and on your own.

Do autistic people view gender and sexuality differently? It definitely seems like it. Autistic people are much more likely to be in the LGBTQ+ community than neurotypicals. An autistic person being a trans man has nothing to do with autistic girls being less feminine or not getting gender norms. My theory is that because autistic people don't understand gender norms, or society's concept of gender that we're less likely to hide any gender deviation from societal norms. We're less likely to be closeted. I may be wrong, but that's just my theory.

Personally, I'm non-binary. Specially I'm cassgender which means that I'm pretty indifferent to the concept of gender. My gender is unimportant to me.

I hope this helps!

[manlarp]

Hi there. I'm a female in my twenties who has recently come across a lot of radical feminism and it has been life-changing. I haven't resonated with an ideology this much in years and I am constantly taken aback by the logic and stark clarity of radical feminist arguments as compared to the arguments of those who try and "debunk" them (usually by hideous misrepresentation, which is so damn frustrating). However, my issue is this: my partner of several years, my best friend who means the whole world to me, is a trans man (ftm) who is deeply rooted in trans rights activism and all things "anti-TERF". This is a person whom I love and respect so much, whom I have felt closer to than anyone else I have ever met, and now I feel that every time I read and agree with something radically feminist, I'm betraying him. I'm terrified to come clean or talk about these issues, despite the fact that they are on my mind constantly, because the idea of hurting him, triggering his dysphoria, or driving a wedge between us is extremely distressing. As you can imagine, this is causing a LOT of inner turmoil and doubts about our relationship that I never had before. I don't want to be untrue to myself and my beliefs, but I also want to respect his lifestyle as I always have and I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or that I'm cold and unfeeling towards his struggles. Do you have any advice about how I should move forward? Obviously you're under no obligation to respond, but I would really value your insight on this issue, given your experiences. Thank you so much for being outspoken and honest in your views; looking through your blog has been wonderful and I have so much respect for you. Take care <3

Hi there my friend. Sorry for the late response; things have been quite busy for me.

I don't believe you would be betraying your partner by having radfem views. I certainly don't feel betrayed by the movement. Radical feminism is inclusive of trans men; it just believes that transitioning is a way to escape the patriarchy, as opposed to this 'brain sex' 'born in the wrong body' rhetoric. I genuinely believe me being trans is compatible with me being a radical feminist. Others would disagree and tell me I'm betraying women or living a delusion, but I don't claim to be anything I'm not. I just have gender dysphoria and choose to address it by presenting as a male. I don't actually think I AM male or want to change anything legally. There are slightly blurred lines between trans men and GNC women, as many GNC women present in a more 'masculine' way as well.

My advice would be that you have a conversation with your partner about your views. Maybe bring up, 'what do you think about [this issue], because I read something the other day that really made me think'. If he is receptive to discussion, that's all you can ask for really. You can still support him without giving in to the misogyny associated with trans rights activism. At the end of the day, your partner is suffering from a mental illness (gender dysphoria) and it's up to him to deal with it in whichever way he sees fit. The problem occurs when this activism starts encroaching on women's rights, advocates for HRT for children, pressures lesbians into having sex with males, etc. If someone says 'I'd rather look and sound like a man because of my mental illness, but I don't expect the world to change just to humour me"... I think that's acceptable.

Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. You may not see eye to eye on everything, but it does sound like you respect him and his struggles. In turn, he has to respect yours - being a woman in a patriarchal society, who hasn't chosen to escape it by pretending you aren't one. Make it clear that you love, support, and respect him, but not at the cost of yourself and other women.

I hope that helps. Please DM me if you want to discuss it further, and I wish you all the best!

#thanks for the ask

[nevermindirah]

I am but a sad little trans man who absolutely wants to know your thoughts on immortals capabilities to transition because I have thoughts and they make my depressed little trans heart hurt because how in the world could they transition if their bodies heal everything?

Hi! Sending you hugs because I've been struggling with the exact same thoughts! I wrote this lil meta last month but I don't like it and my brain keeps interrupting things like my job and trips to the grocery store to get me working on this puzzle.

From what we see in the movie, our elderly friends have regular-human healing, just faster and MORE, plus magic. We have canon evidence of how this works with wounds/injuries and can infer from there about how their immortality would handle infections, genetic/physiological/autoimmune/etc disorders, malnutrition/dehydration/etc, mental illnesses, and dental stuff, as well as things that bodies do that aren't necessarily bad but often need medical care — like pregnancy and gender transition. (I’m not a medical professional, just a nerd who loves a good Wikipedia rabbithole.)

Let's start with an easy one. Nile's hand healing after she stuck it in the fire is just a lickety-split version of what would happen to a regular human with a small skin wound: clotting, inflammation, rebuilding, healed.

When Nile yeets herself and pharma bro out the window of the topmost tower, we see the same thing happen again but bigger, plus we see several of her bones pop themselves back into place, and presumably any blood vessels that got torn up magically correct themselves under her skin. Humans have been surviving injuries like major bone fractures for a very long time but a bone that heals without medical intervention to realign the fractured pieces might heal at a new angle, meaning it doesn't work as well anymore, and it might cause damage to surrounding organs/tissues and leave a lot of scar tissue or a chronic wound. But Nile only needs Booker and Nicky keeping her upright for barely a minute and then she's walking around on her own just fine.

A large wound that breaks deeply through the skin, like Nile's sliced throat or Booker's exploded abdomen, can be survivable for a regular human if it doesn't irreparably damage critical organs and if you can get medical attention before you bleed out, but even with modern medical intervention the results are rough. Jay and Dizzy aren't wrong for being deeply weirded out by Nile's flawless neck: even with the best plastic surgeons in the world on the case, closing up a wound like that will leave scar tissue that affects both appearance and function.

So, we've got immortality magic moving bones back into place, restarting stopped hearts and lungs and brains, rebuilding major structures like arteries and intestines, healing up wounds without scar tissue, pushing out bullets, and otherwise handwaving the big stuff. But it's not a magic wand, it’s a process, and bigger wounds take longer. It's like these people's mitochondria have little gnomes in there with schematics to rebuild their bodies to factory default.

From how these bodies handle wounds we can infer that they'd handle pathogens / infectious diseases the same way: inflammation, white blood cells attack, byebye plague see you never. And if these bodies are resetting bones and rebuilding organs, they're probably also correcting genetic disorders and shifting around physiological problems like bone spurs. So let's keep on inferring.

What if, instead of every death erasing hormone replacement therapy and gender-affirming surgery and leaving a trans immortal detransitioned over and fucking over again, what if the magic that governs immortality considers dysphoria-causing body parts just like any other wound to heal?

What if Booker is a trans man, and he's got that sweet muscle mass and that height and that beard that comes all the way up his cheeks because he's been on the wonder drug that is testosterone for over 200 years? What if immortality was all "we see you've been hung from the neck until dead, and your eyes have been pecked out, and also you have all these hormones that turn your body into a shape that makes you miserable — we're gonna fix all that" and then regenerated his pecked-out eyeballs and unsnapped his neck and undid the results of months of insufficient food AND ALSO started pumping him with the fantasy version of HRT so his chest started to reduce and his fat redistributed itself and his beard started coming in?

Who's to say that's not how it works?

All my dysphoria is social — I'm fine with my body for the most part and I CANNOT STAND when people assume things about my gender, because of my body or for any other reason. We see pretty clearly with Booker that mental illness isn't magically healed the way physical injuries are, and I think that's because the causes of mental illness are a combination of physiology/chemistry stuff and things like our beliefs about ourselves and the world, our experiences of trauma, and our experiences of getting our needs met or not. If I were immortal I could maybe break up with my SSRI, but it wouldn't stop me from getting misgendered — I'd still have to find a way to cope with the ongoing trauma of that. Having to navigate hundreds of cultures' ideas about gender when my gender is "uhhhhh" sounds like absolute hell for me, no thank you, do not want.

But for my fellow trans people whose dysphoria is primarily body-related, and for my social-dysphoria pals whose gender is something nearly every human being would recognize and all they need is to pass, how about let's make an executive decision that immortality includes HRT for anybody who needs it, with no psych eval or begging your insurance company or poking yourself with needles, and just like with wound healing it's like regular HRT but faster and more. HRT so powerful and so magical that it gives you the best possible version of the results you want and none of the results you don't. If I had the option to go on HRT for just like one or two changes but not the whole battery of things I would fucking do that, and if I were to join our elderly friends, maybe I could.

This might be easier on transmasc immortals than transfeminine ones, because testosterone's effects are basically impossible to reverse. But also you can't just keep waking back up after repeatedly drowning for 500 years, so fuck it. We're making an executive decision here.

Estrogen that grows your breasts and softens your dick but doesn't lessen your ability to orgasm. Immortality magic that makes your beard go away and maybe shrinks your height an inch or two or six. Maybe Quynh is trans and one time a few thousand years ago she got injured in battle worse than Booker's grenaded belly and she woke up an hour later with a vulva and a uterus and now her body is just like that. Factory reset.

I subscribe to the "God made wheat and grapes but not bread and wine so humans could share in the act of creation" model of transness and I personally feel very weird about the idea of immortality magically giving a trans immortal cisnormative genitals the same way it resets bones. There's no one right way to have a pussy or a dick, you know? Maybe Quynh woke up from a catastrophic gut wound in like 800 BCE with a constructed vagina rivaling the best our modern money can buy, without a uterus but with a clit that's just as magical as anybody else's.

I've been thinking about writing a Book of Nile fic with trans man Booker, which is why the two of them are most of my examples here. It would include porn, because apparently I can't write more than 1500 words about them without writing porn, so I need to think more about what's going to feel good for me and other trans people who might read it and won't accidentally facilitate cis people objectifying us. Like, I've thought in a lot of detail about what a clit enlarged by that many centuries of testosterone might look and feel like, and that specific experience is not mine so I'm treading carefully.

Cis people are welcome to reblog this! Fellow trans folks are welcome to join me in the act of creation on this post ;)

#trans things #fandom friends #tog meta #tog #book of nile #fic ideas #transphobia #dysphoria #gore #long post #mine

[cassolotl]

On radical feminist and gender-critical survey respondents

Tuesday 25th February 2020

~

Content note: Discussion of anti-trans people (gender-critical, radical feminist, TERF) and sentiments, including direct quotes.

~

I run an annual survey of, give-or-take, nonbinary people. It asks about the words (nouns, pronouns and titles) we use to describe ourselves. It seems like useful data to collect! This year is the seventh @gendercensus, and there have been over 16,000 participants so far. (It closes on 12th March 2020! Go do it!) I’m writing this on my personal blog, though, because this is quite a personal blog post.

Most years I get a small flurry of gender-critical and radical feminist respondents, and this year is no exception.

It’s usually clear that the link to the survey has been posted somewhere in a “come and disrupt this survey” kind of a way. Sometimes I catch a Big Name Anti-Trans quote-tweeting it with fake-earnest enthusiasm, but most of the time I have no idea where it’s coming from. Thanks to this year’s new questions on age and referrals I know that today’s flurry has come from a small Facebook group, where most members seem to be 30-50 year old women.

I won’t get into the mechanics of how I decide what to keep and what to remove. I’m happy to admit that if anything is outright abusive, insulting or transphobic I don’t hesitate to remove a submission, and my tendency to delete entries is certainly not limited to these criteria, but I think it’s interesting to note that the majority of responses during these influxes are also actually quite relevant to the intent of the survey.

For example, gender-critical respondents aiming to disrupt the survey will:

Select woman, and then type words like androgynous and genderless into the textboxes. (Often these entries are accompanied by statements suggesting that genderlessness is the natural state of being, implying that women who feel like women have just been brainwashed into it by the patriarchy.)

Select she/her pronouns, and then they/them pronouns.

Select she/her pronouns, and then use the pronoun textboxes to say that they doesn’t care how other people refer to them because pronouns don’t define you.

Choose “no title” in the title question.

Choose woman, Mrs or Ms, she/her pronouns, take the trouble to say that biology dictates gender, and then describe in the feedback box a lifelong distress with being gendered by people or society. (That last part will be very familiar to many transgender participants, who might call it “gender dysphoria”.)

Type things like, I don’t “identify as”, I AM.

These types of responses and many others are also very common among thousands of nonbinary, trans and queer participants every year. Gender-critical and radical feminist women describe themselves in a way that makes it clear to me that they are the target audience, while apparently unaware of it themselves.

The abusive and relevant responses are not mutually exclusive. Several times I’ve experienced angry women deliberately giving fake answers to all the questions, telling us that we are outright causing direct harm to women by entertaining these delusional notions of nonbinary genders, and then:

Describing lifelong and visceral discomfort with gendered aspects of their body.

Stating that no one can change their own sex, but then clarifying that they finally learned this after years of wishing that they could change or erase their sex.

Saying that they don’t feel cisgender.

Wishing that gender didn’t exist at all.

Believing that the gender binary is a fiction.

Opting out of gender, or saying that they have no gender.

Stating that gender is a social construct, as though this idea is somehow in conflict with the feelings of countless trans and nonbinary participants.

I’ll share what someone wrote into the feedback box recently:

I want to take the opportunity to say I find 'cis' really offensive. I don't identify with the characteristics I'm supposed to have and which are used to oppress people of my sex. I behave and dress in ways which are not typically assigned to my sex. Like most women, I have struggled with this all my life. It has never been a "privilege".

I’ve bolded those parts of the submission because they could have been said by any trans or nonbinary person, word for word.

I don’t mean to imply that these things make you trans, or that they don’t! What I feel is that both groups (if either can be considered a cohesive group) have been failed by a restrictive and deeply flawed system for their entire lives, and as a result trans, nonbinary, radical feminist and gender-critical people’s experiences of their own genders and their places in relation to the gender binary are often strikingly similar.

I started to think more carefully about this issue when I read a rambling and heartfelt feedback box paragraph from someone describing basically my lifelong feelings about and experience of my own (trans, nonbinary, lack of) gender, and ended it with something like “and that’s how I know I am my assigned sex/gender, and [rampant abuse and transphobia].” I have been comfortably out and transitioning now for almost a decade, and I am very comfortable in my lack of gender and becoming more comfortable with myself as my transition progresses, so it didn’t shake me at all, but I definitely did a double-take and had to go back and reread it in disbelief. It took me a while to get my head around the cognitive dissonance.

I have gained an understanding of why and how gender-critical feminists are so angry and aggressive. Anger is a very legitimate response to experiencing a traumatic puberty, gender dysphoria well into adulthood, and a world that enforces a gender binary that causes harm. Gender-critical women have every right to be as angry as they are.

Maybe if they could direct that anger at the oppressive system that is harming them, instead of some people who are hurting alongside them under that oppressive system, that’d be pretty cool?

#original posts #my words #gender

[radicaldrifting]

Because of transphobia and medical gatekeeping, I have destroyed my body beyond what a person my age should feel like. If I had been given the opportunity to transition or even just explore my gender when I first started hating my body, I wouldn't be severely sick and permanently disabled today. But sure, trans activism is dangerous and causes harm. Not the transphobes who surrounded me when I was a teen who was struggling and didn't do a thing to help when I started destroying myself.

That you are sick and disabled now doesn't change that trans activists cause a huge amount of harm. The positive things they may have brought about for people who transition and want to just live and let live (not the trenders or fetishists and incels and such) does not change that they also do a huge amount of harm to many groups, including those more rational trans people I just mentioned simply by association. And the harm they do in fact greatly cancels out the good.

Also, no matter how miserable and dysphoric you were it doesn't make transition a human right for you. Jobs, healthcare, food, medical care, etc; are human rights for trans people as they are for everyone. But cosmetic surgeries and hormone treatments aren't. If you are suffering so much because you can't alter your body that you damage yourself and/or are suicidal, that is an issue to receive therapy for - when someone is at such odds with their body they feel they need to severely hurt it, that is something that needs intense therapy. We don't help anorexics starve themselves, or people who use standard self harm as a coping mechanism to cut their skin deeper.

Also, your ask doesn't really tell me anything. It doesn't say what you mean by medical gatekeeping. It doesn't say how you harmed yourself. I don't know whether you were denied transition procedures because of the medical professionals refusing for personal beliefs, because there were laws against it, because you were severely mentally unstable, because a psychiatrist saw you had dysphoria from trauma alone and that therefore transition would not help you; but make you feel much worse later on (as has happened to many in recent years). It doesn't tell me any of this, you just make broad all or nothing statements and basically say "they made me hurt myself", which in the way you state it comes across as a personal deflection. The reasons for your pain may indeed have come from other people. Abuse, misogyny, religious cruelty, misery at being forced into societal gender roles, etc; that all is completely understandable. Extremely so if you're female, gender roles alone can make you significantly dysphoric, but you can't identify out of womanhood. What you CAN do is redefine womanhood from what society says it is, and you can refuse all those boxes, and you can fight tooth and nail against patriarchy and objectification and all the sex based oppression that makes woman want to throw off their womanhood, that is making so many women want to distance themselves from their bodies.

But if you're permanently disabled now, and I'm assuming from your ask that it is by your own hand - that comes from more than one issue. Not everything can be blamed on "transohobes", and you can't say that there was no other option for you than transition, because that is never true. Transition should be a choice only when all other options are exhausted. And there are indeed other options. If dysphoria is something that you want to kill yourself over if you don't receive transition right this instant; then something is very wrong and it comes from something deep, most likely trauma, that physical dysphoria is only a manifesting symptom of.

"Exploring your gender" especially tells me that you never really were presented with the fact that you can be your birth sex and be who you are, that you can be your birth sex and not be defined by how people have treated you and see you: rather than thinking the only option is to fabricate an identity to explain yourself to others.

I am sorry you are sick and disabled now, that isn't okay and can't be made right. But you can't look at your personal experience and because of it disregard harm done to other people.

#transition #dysphoria #dysphoric #gender dysphoria #gender identification #gender identity #gender ideology #transgender #transphobia #gender crisis #gender criticism #gender critical #misogyny #womanhood #female oppression #gender roles #self harm #medical gatekeeping #trans healthcare #trans rights activism #trans rights movement #trans rights #ask box #answered ask #ask response #ask me questions #ask me stuff

[pa-tr0-clus-backup]

This is just gonna be a rant/train of thought/absolute mess cause idk what I’m doing but like yeah so as with all my personal posts if anyone sees this then please just ignore it lol sorry I’m so annoying but I just like typing things and then sending them into the void so y’know

Basically my mental health has been getting worse and worse for a while which isn’t surprising since it’s always bad but gets worse 1) when New Things are happening and 2) during winter and I just started uni this year and it’s fucking dark at 4pm now everyday. But yeah so I’ve been self-harming and having suicidal thoughts for six years now. I’ve attempted suicide once and planned/prepared to kill myself at least three times by now. It’s not great in my head honestly and it hasn’t been for many years.

I’ve tried to get help twice. The first time I was thirteen and told my parents/school/GP and... none of them did anything. They all just thought I was attention seeking and would stop on my own if they didn’t ‘indulge me’. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything or referred for therapy or meds or anything. They ignored it and surprise surprise it didn’t fucking stop. They just didn’t know about it anymore.

The second time I tried to get help I was seventeen and I referred myself to the school counsellor. They were a counsellor in training from the local college and quite frankly absolute shit. I felt worse and worse after each session and honestly felt relieved when the 6 sessions I was allotted were over.

Part of the issue is I have been struggling for so long that 1) I don’t know who I am if I’m not feeling Like This and 2) Ive had such bad experiences with trying to get help I can’t bring myself to try again. What’s got me thinking about all this again is the fact that the newest development in my shitty shitty mental health is an eating disorder. Now again, I’m not diagnosed with anything, but after months of consideration I can tentatively consider that eating 500 calories a day for months on end and feeling fat and sick after eating literally anything and refusing to drink any water for several consecutive days so I don’t gain ‘water weight’ may possibly be indicators of an eating disorder.

I still feel bad saying anything since I’m so terrified of self-diagnosing and being told I’m just attention seeking again which is why even after all this time it’s so damn hard to admit that I’m probably depressed. I can work with tangible things that I know for a fact such as that at this point I cut myself almost every day, and I can sleep for 12 hours a night and still feel exhausted in my bones, and that I hate my body so damn much that I have to shower with my eyes closed or end up clawing at my skin, and that I spend hours and hours obsessing over the thought of killing myself and planning how to do it and going as far as to stockpile pills so I could overdose, only being stopped by the fact that when I googled to see if I had enough to kill me I found out that it would’ve taken several days to actually end things so that ruled overdose out. And I live in a city so that ruled jumping off a bridge out since I’d definitely be caught. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Another part of the issue is The Trans™️Thing™️. Because yes a lot of my issues stem from my crippling dysphoria. And that’s not a thing I can change. My family is transphobic so I can’t come out. I can’t transition. I’m going to be stuck in this goddman fucking body til the day I die. And I can’t fucking cope with that. And I haven’t been coping with that for a very, very, very long time.

Therapy can’t help me. I already know the ins and outs of why I feel so shit all the time. No amount of bloody alternative thinking can change things. Which only leaves medication which my parents have expressely forbidden me to take. Any medication. Literally. Any. Yes including birth control. No they are not religious, just fucking crazy and think that any issue I have (including any colds/flu/normal illness) are just me exaggerating and will get better by themselves (reason why I had a veruca for four years even though they are very easily treatable).

And yes I’m nineteen now and don’t need parental permission for my health care but they also search through all my stuff in my room whenever I’m not there and I can’t just,, not take meds home during uni breaks since that would probably fuck me up even more. But also yeah I’m a nineteen year old guy not a thirteen year old girl anymore. Honestly I feel embarrassed that it’s gone on this long. All my high school friends got better, so why can’t I?

But yeah so why should I stay alive? What’s the fucking point? My issues are going to be with my til the day I fucking die whether that’s by my own hand or something else. This isn’t a short term issue that can be fixed this is it for me. This is my lot in life and I’m absolutely fucking sick of it. So why can’t I just die?

#tw #trigger warning #tw self harm #tw suicide #tw eating disorder

[stopgenderingchildren]

I’m 16 and have known I didn’t fit the idea of “gender” very well for around a decade, but grew up in a left leaning college educated Mexican/ white household that didn’t really force gender roles on me, so I didn’t question it much until around four years ago.

I grew up a tomboy- at 13 I came out as ftm trans. Soon after, my best friend (who I’ll adore forever) came out as ftm trans as well, but didn’t approach it as I had- reading articles, listening to podcasts, scrolling through educational videos- he latched on instead to people like Kalvin Garrah and similar influencers who propose that “transtrenders” exist and steal “real” trans people’s supplies and that you need dysphoria to be trans, etc.

This was the first time I really became aware that there was something deeply flawed in my understanding of gender. I have dysphoria, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I don’t hate my body; I hate how people see my breasts and assign me “female.” I don’t hate dresses and how they look, I hate that it means automatically no one asks for my pronouns.

Tonight I was working on an oratory for debate that started with a central idea I wanted to expand: “We Don’t Need to Fit Your Stereotypes.” I felt that if male could look like dresses and cars and makeup and video games and childcare, if female could look like gardening and beards and owning a business and loving pink, then maybe there wouldn’t need to be transitioning. If we made breasts=anyone and penises=anyone then maybe I would wear a dress everyday and my friend would be able to shower with the lights on.

Basically, I was trying to say ask everyone, everyone, their pronouns, and allow people’s looks and hobbies to be defined by their interests rather than the roles forced on them at birth as a result of their genitals. This contradicted with my central idea, so new title: “We Don’t Need to Fit Stereotypes.” I’m no longer writing about trans versus cis norms, I’m trying to write about all people versus the (at best, limiting) rules of gender forced upon them.

After exploring that (and after realizing what I think I’ve always knows is true: I’m not a boy, but just someone severely disconnected from whatever a boy or girl is supposed to be and generally masculine by societal standards, making he/him the easiest explanation) I had to take a break, and somehow @stopgenderingchildren was the first post recommended for me. After scrolling through for awhile, I felt like I’d found a whole rabbit hole of some new level of gender I’ve only briefly considered before, of thoughts I’ve always struggled to put into words.

After this night, I still have questions though, and unfortunately the ask box just doesn’t have nearly enough characters. The main things I’m still struggling to understand is: what is womanhood? What is manhood? If no one were gendered and lived life by personalities, why would there ever be a need for those two at all, or masculinity or femininity? What stops life from just... going on if people dressed and acted and were interested in what they want to be? What is the point of this thing that causes people so much pain? Even in things like athletics, split up to “help,” there are still people with different amounts of hormones, different heights, people are just different. And it’s all so incredibly westernized. I’ve read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, and there was a striking story about a trans woman who found the more society expected her to not be able to do things like open a jar, the more she found herself unable to do those things.

I don’t know, this is a bit all over the place, but I really just need some direction. I’m trying really hard to understand this on my own, but after scrolling through your blog I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Thanks you so much ahead of time 🌹 ~~~~

Hi awesome person!! Unfortunately this blog is a tad bit dead, but I am still a real person who can write things, and I’m still passionate about gender and child development, so here I am, responding to you. Also I want to apologize because tumblr is broken and I have no idea how long ago this message was sent to me. For all I know, you could be old enough to drink by now. Oops. Thank you for sharing your journey with gender so far. You sound very thoughtful and systematic about these things, and I love it. First I want to say that I'm sorry your friend has such limited thoughts about the ways it's okay to be trans. That kind of exclusionist thinking doesn't actually help more supplies come around, or help binary trans people get acceptance. It just makes it harder for people to work together to change things. That said, I've known some young trans people who held these positions initially because it was part of the way they were proving their gender to themselves and the world. Once they got more secure in their understanding of themselves, they had more room for accepting other types of trans people. I hope that happens for your friend. I felt like I’d found a whole rabbit hole of some new level of gender I’ve only briefly considered before... Wow, awesome. I love that this blog did that for you. I wish I had more time to make it a consistently amazing place! what is womanhood? What is manhood? Each person gets to decide this for themselves. If you ask me, that’s what makes gender exciting!! Everyone is different. We need lots of different people in the world, lots of different genders, lots of different gender expressions, for the world to continue being as amazing as it is. The idea that there are only two types of gender expression, “manhood” and “womanhood,” is and always has been flawed. Humans have always been more diverse than that. We are just, now, in this supercool time when people are spending energy and vocabulary thinking about it in a more active way. If no one were gendered and lived life by personalities, why would there ever be a need for those two at all, or masculinity or femininity? It sure is an interesting concept, to think of life without gender. I don’t personally believe, however, that gender doesn’t exist. I just don’t believe we should be giving children recipes for gender and then expecting them to follow the recipes in order to be “proper” people. That is gendering which is something we do to other people. Gendering others is meddling at best and traumatic at worst, whether those others are children, teens like you, or adults. So, if the world lived according to my values, we would still have gender, but gender would be something that comes from within, not from without. Maybe we would still have two genders that are most common, maybe not. In a patriarchal society, gender definitions can serve an important and protective function, especially for women, trans, and genderqueer folks. As an example, I teach classes for parents about child development. As I am passionate about parents sharing the joys and challenges regardless of their gender, I welcome all parents to my classes. I stand by this decision, but I recently had a chance to observe a similar class that only allowed mothers (women) to attend. I noticed that the women felt more comfortable being vulnerable in this setting, and in particular they felt able to discuss things like how their bodies were changing and healing after giving birth. By excluding certain people based on gender, this instructor created a safe space that was different from my own classes, and probably better for at least some of those women. I imagine a similar effect would be seen in a class that only allowed fathers (men) or trans or genderqueer parents. What stops life from just... going on if people dressed and acted and were interested in what they want to be? What is the point of this thing that causes people so much pain? Even in things like athletics, split up to “help,” there are still people with different amounts of hormones, different heights, people are just different. And it’s all so incredibly westernized. I hear your frustration so much! Why can't we just let people be themselves! And, yes it's super westernized, and that is ridiculous too. But I think all we can do is speak up for ourselves and others when we feel able, and model behavior towards others that isn't gendering, for example using they/them pronouns for people who's gender we don't know, and not making a big deal of a boy wearing a dress. Or, of course, you could do more by choosing a profession where you are teaching children or adults about gender diversity, or working to pass laws that support name changes and freedom to transition. There are lots of ways we could make the world better! I’ve read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, and there was a striking story about a trans woman who found the more society expected her to not be able to do things like open a jar, the more she found herself unable to do those things. This book sounds awesome. I will check it out! And, yes, people are gendered in a very subconscious way because it starts at birth, before language and verbal (story) memory. There is lots of research showing that we treat babies different based on their assigned gender from the very first day they are born. Creepy... I don’t know, this is a bit all over the place, but I really just need some direction. I’m trying really hard to understand this on my own, but after scrolling through your blog I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Lastly, I just want to say that it sounds like you are on a great path to figuring things out for yourself. Just keep trying things on to see what fits, both metaphorically and literally, if you like :)

It's also okay to not know what labels are best for you, or for you to change your mind, or to sometimes give up on caring. Actually, there are labels for those states too! But not every trans person has dysphoria, or discovers a strong allegiance to a binary (or nonbinary) gender. As I say to the kids I work with, there are just so many ways for people to be, and that is the way it should be. 

#gender freedom #raising kids today #gendering of trans* folk #gendering of POC #western gender norms #transgender #any input is appreciated #submission

[geosmin-smell]

'Indian feminist Vaishnavi Sundar has had screenings of her latest film pulled.'

"I am a filmmaker, writer and a women’s rights activist. I spend my time advocating for equal opportunities, contraceptive rights, education and the empowerment of women and girls. I centre women in all my work. When I started screening my film on workplace sexual harassment across India, I was hoping to raise public consciousness. But What Was She Wearing? was India’s first feature-length documentary on the subject.

I was cancelled for my tweets on transgenderism

Over the past few years, accounts of people being ‘cancelled’ appeared on my timeline. It was a phenomenon I had no proper understanding of, and the ramifications of it seemed exaggerated. Until it happened to me.

When I was first introduced to feminism, I followed the pervasive ‘choice’ model. It did not take me very long to find it antithetical to the women’s rights the Suffragettes fought for. It made oppression itself seem lucrative and enticing. It was when I began voicing my opinion on the perils of liberal feminism that cancel culture started making sense to me. I could see that women were being banned for speaking against patriarchy.

However, I encountered strong resistanceto the film from liberal feminist gatekeepers. Women who would send me private messages asking for professional favours and contacts, and congratulate me on the film, refused to acknowledge my presence on their public timelines or retweet anything about the film. At first, I thought this was my eternal bad luck or some flaw in my personality.

Then I began getting a series of rejections from liberal and left-leaning publications which had previously accepted every piece I sent in. One editor responded by saying she couldn’t accept my pieces as the publication was short-staffed. But she published three pieces from a male writer around the same time.

Last month, I discovered the reason I had become a social outcast in liberal-feminist bastions. I was in the US for an exchange programme, and I wanted to use the opportunity to screen my film at various places while I toured the country. One screening was scheduled in New York, organised by the Polis Project. The proverbial i’s were dotted, posters designed and I was even introduced to a female Indian moderator. But a week before the screening, the organiser (also a woman of Indian origin) sent me an email. She said the event would be cancelled because of my ‘transphobic’ views.

Many moons ago I got into a Twitterspat about pre-op trans women in women’s shelters, prisons, bathrooms and women’s sports. And someone had brought the tweets in question to the organisers’ attention. As a result, the Polis Project thought it was only fair to shelve a screening of a film about a pressing topic that affects women across all social strata in society. All because the filmmaker believes biological sex is not a social construct, that women’s sex-based oppression is real, that housing people with male genitalia in spaces with victims of male sexual violence can be harrowing to women inmates, that mental illnesses like autogynephilia and other dysphorias can cause dangerous, irrevocable damage, and that gender theorists are erasing women, much like patriarchy does.

I grew up in Avadi in the south of India. I have spent most of my life working with marginalised women. But I was simply not the right flavour of woke for the postmodern, queer-theory espousing desis of Manhattan.

I have since confronted the editors of the publications that blacklisted me. It appears that Indian trans-rights activists googled my name and wrote to every outlet I had ever been published in, telling them about my ‘TERFy’ tweets.

By being outcast, I was essentially being told that the feminism I live by – the feminism of Mary Wollstonecraft, Emmeline Pankhurst and Andrea Dworkin – was exclusionary because it rejected males in female safe spaces. My intersectionality wasn’t expansive enough to accommodate men. My feminism did not embrace the ‘choice’ of carrying water for patriarchy. Advocating for women’s safety was ‘anti-trans’, the meaning of which I am still struggling to understand. I am not ‘anti’ anything except the endless derivative forms of misogyny.

Radical feminists like me have suffered a loss of livelihood, have been heckled, cancelled and de-platformed because liberal-feminist organisations would much rather derail important feminist work than put our differences aside and show solidarity on common struggles that affect all women. It is no wonder that ardent feminists like Ayaan Hirsi Ali have to go to publications like the Wall Street Journal or on conservative talk shows to have their voices heard.

How can so many liberal feminists call themselves ‘liberal’ and laud pornography, an industry in which women are brutalised (and often killed)? How can you encourage children to be ‘drag queens’ performing sexual acts for adults, in the name of gender ideology? I wish they wouldn’t call it a movement anymore. It is a cult that extols men, who are often not really ‘queer’ but who want to take advantage of ‘self-identifying’ as a woman in order to gain oppression points and external validation.

Over the course of my advocacy, I became acquainted with several trans folk who have no delusions about biological sex. Funny how even they face ostracisation within their community for calling it out. A number of young adults who have been coerced into taking puberty-blockers and undergoing irreversible bodily mutilation have come forth and created a de-transitioners community. But people are far too ready to ignore their horror stories and instead give them stick.

I agree with what JK Rowling recently said— that we should all have the freedom to be who we want and to be with anybody who is willing to love us. But to strip women of their livelihoods for stating biological facts is an affront to common sense.

Liberal feminists would do well to take their heads out of social media la-la land and come from their citadels to meet women in the real world. Let them take their cue from Labour’s recent routing in the UK elections, in which thousands of women spoke through their ballot paper, and told the pronoun-stating, virtue-signalling Labour Party that the currency of wokeism has few buyers."

#feminism #women's rights #radfem #terf #radical feminism #trans activism #misogyny #Indian women

[radfemetc]

(The article is behind a paywall so I’m putting it here. You can also register to read 2 free articles a week.)

Inside the clinic rooms of the Tavistock, the private heartache of a new generation of “transgender” youngsters is being laid bare. There used to be about 50 referrals a year, mainly males with a history of gender issues.

Now there are thousands of young females reporting a sudden gender crisis for the first time. Many are convinced that transition — and the powerful drugs that make it happen — will be the solution to their problems.

Until now the specialists struggling to keep up with caseloads have stayed silent, but alarm over the number of adolescents being prescribed body-altering drugs, has prompted five former clinicians to speak out for the first time.

All five have resigned from the Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) in the past three years as a matter of conscience.

“This experimental treatment is being done not only on children, but very vulnerable children, who have experienced mental health difficulties, abuse, family trauma, but sometimes those [other factors] just get whitewashed,” one female clinician said. “If someone was suggesting plastic surgery or any other permanent change we’d be saying, hang on a minute.”

The clinicians have warned that complex histories and adolescent confusion over possible homosexuality are being ignored in the rush to accept and celebrate every young person’s new transgender identity.

Clinical psychologists carry out each initial assessment at the Tavistock. They are the gatekeepers who decide whether to refer transgender youngsters to the endocrine clinic for the next stage of treatment. Therapists once had months to work through underlying issues before making decisions on medical intervention, but the clinicians claim that young people are now routinely referred for hormone therapy after as few as three hour-long sessions.

They believe that physically healthy children are being medicated in response to pressure from transgender lobby groups and parental anxieties.

So many potentially gay children were being sent down the pathway to change gender, two of the clinicians said there was a dark joke among staff that “there would be no gay people left”.

“It feels like conversion therapy for gay children,” one male clinician said. “I frequently had cases where people started identifying as trans after months of horrendous bullying for being gay,” he told The Times.

“Young lesbians considered at the bottom of the heap suddenly found they were really popular when they said they were trans.”

Another female clinician said: “We heard a lot of homophobia which we felt nobody was challenging. A lot of the girls would come in and say, ‘I’m not a lesbian. I fell in love with my best girl friend but then I went online and realised I’m not a lesbian, I’m a boy. Phew.’”

The specialists expressed concern at how little confusion over sexuality was explored when a young person requested treatment to change their body.

“I would ask who they wanted to have relationships with, but I was told by senior management that gender is completely separate to sex,” a third female clinician said. “I couldn’t get on board with that, because it isn’t. Some people were transitioning their gender to match their sexuality.”

The service said it was “a welcoming place for people from all sections of the LGBT community”, adding that it had made exploration of sexuality a “more explicit” part of the assessment in response to staff concerns.

Nevertheless, the clinician said that her unease grew after meeting an adult woman whose transition to become a man involved having a double mastectomy. She had since changed her mind.

“What can we do? We can’t reverse that. Do we suggest fake breasts?” she said. “We have such a duty of care to these confused young adolescents, but I think we are failing them.”

The clinic rejected the claims. “We always place a young person’s wellbeing at the centre of our work,” it said. “GIDS staff are engaged daily in thinking about the serious ethical dimensions of our practice. The diversity and complexity of individual cases will always be respected.”

Several clinicians suspected that some of the “transgender” adolescents were reacting to homophobia at home.

“For some families, it was easier to say, this is a medical problem, ‘here’s my child, please fix them!’ than dealing with a young, gay kid,” the third female clinician said. At the service’s “family days”, a parent was allegedly heard saying that they did not want their child to have gay friends because they “didn’t want them mixed up in that hedonistic lifestyle”. “It is converting people into heterosexuals,” one of the clinicians said. “We had so many families who would talk about not wanting their daughters to be lesbian.” Young people “repeatedly” confided their own “disgust” that they may be gay, according to the clinician.

In other cases, she felt young people had concluded they were trans because they didn’t fit traditional gender roles.

“Children’s bodies are being damaged in order to treat societal issues,” she warned. She recalled a case of a 13-year-old child “whose parents were really pressurising us for puberty blockers”. When the clinician refused to refer him, she claims one of the parents, a lawyer, wrote threatening legal letters to the service. The child was eventually referred for blockers.

She would have nightmares about her years at the Tavistock. “I would talk about it as an ‘atrocity’. I know that sounds quite strong, but it felt as if we were part of something that people would look back on in the future, and ask, what were we thinking? In the future I think there will be lots and lots of de-transitioners who feel their bodies were mutilated as young people and who will ask, why did you let me do this? It is very disturbing.”

Studies show that the vast majority of youngsters who begin puberty blockers go on to have irreversible hormone treatment at 16. Some go on to have gender reassignment surgery as adults.

All five clinicians expressed concern over how little young people and their families were being told about the impact of hormone treatment on fertility and sexual function as adults. One claimed young people were unable to give “informed consent” because it was regarded as taboo to discuss the impact of medical intervention on later sexual function in such a young cohort.

The clinic said there were no “taboo” subjects in its work, and that it did not “recognise this allegation as reflecting what happens in the service”. It rejected allegations of conversion therapy and insisted that youngsters were being properly advised on the risks of and about what is unknown about medical intervention. Time and care was taken at every stage to ensure that individuals grasped the potential consequences of their choices, it said, adding that the service had become “increasingly aware” of the need to discuss the impact of treatment on future sexual function.

The GIDS’s own internal review identified procedures around consent as an area of concern. It has recommended that written consent should be obtained before referral for blockers.

Another clinician described how youngsters entered his room enthusing about Alex Bertie, a transgender YouTuber, and My Life: I Am Leo, a documentary about a transgender teen broadcast in a teatime slot on CBBC.

“These are very simplified stories about how easy it would be to transition into being trans. . . that transition is a solution to feeling shit. That is very appealing to lots of teenagers,” the first male clinician said. I felt for the last two years what kept me in the job was the sense there was a huge number of children in danger and I was there to protect them from the service, from the inside.”

One female clinician estimates that she referred about 50 young people for puberty blockers. She now believes she referred too many. Their outcomes remain unclear. “When you start them on puberty blockers, you’re putting them on a pathway that could lead to sexual dysfunction problems and, for the younger kids, will definitely make them infertile. In what other specialism would physical intervention that leads to permanent change to the body be the first line of treatment for a vulnerable child? Activists will tell you it’s unethical not to intervene. But we know that not everyone with gender dysphoria will go on to identify as trans for the rest of their lives.”

One case has haunted her. “All the pushing was coming from the father to put the kid on puberty blockers. Thinking back on it now, I fear that the father was a paedophile and the child was being abused.” There is no suggestion the service knowingly ignored the case, and the outcome is unknown.

The clinic, which is run by the Tavistock and Portman Foundation Trust and whose director is Polly Carmichael, says it is tracking the progress of 44 young people who began puberty blockers in 2011, and that all available evidence is discussed with families. “This is a rapidly developing field and psychosocial and medical professionals are working hard to ensure that we respond to emerging evidence in an appropriate and considered way,” a spokesman said. The growing body of international evidence showed that “thus far, there is little reported evidence of harm,” he added.

“The service undertakes careful assessments over time and continues to see young people whether or not they attend the endocrine clinic following this assessment,” the spokesman said.

The clinic said it was aware of concerns and tensions between different perspectives raised by staff and “clinicians have a duty of care to raise safeguarding concerns”, adding that there were ��safe spaces” and structures in place for staff to discuss anything that worried them. It would not comment on specific cases but stressed that a young person’s motivations and choices were discussed at each step.

What began in 1989 as a specialist clinic for gender issues is now under intense scrutiny. A report by David Bell, a former governor at the trust, revealed ethical concerns over “woefully inadequate care”. Staff were furious with the GIDS executive’s response to the report, which stated that its own review found no safeguarding concerns.

The whole service should have been halted when the number of “transgender” cases first exploded, one of the clinicians said. “That’s the point we should have stopped because we didn’t know what we were doing. Are we a service for kids with gender dysphoria, a medical disorder? Or are we a service for ‘transgender kids’?”

A GIDS spokesman said: “We are aware of tensions between different perspectives. These differences are inevitable in such complex work.”

One clinician said it was understandable if her former employer was defensive, saying: “If they are getting it wrong, you have to ask, are they making kids infertile by mistake? Because if they are to truly acknowledge [our concerns], then they will have to ask themselves, what the f*** have we done to thousands of children?”

Gires, GI and Mermaids all denied they viewed transition as a cure-all or that they exerted any undue pressure. Susie Green of Mermaids said the charity “does not encourage parents to demand any particular treatment.” Gendered Intelligence said the allegations against it were “unfounded”. Bernard Reed, founder of Gires, said: “In medical literature . . . failure to provide timely treatment is described as ‘psychological torture’. As far as we are aware, GIDS has adequate safeguards against irreversible treatments being given inappropriately.”

(Emphasis mine.)

#transing children #homophobia #lesbophobia #gender identity #sex not gender #gay children #resources #članak #gender roles #regressive progressives #child abuse #conversion therapy

[carolynpetit]

198X and Being Players in a Dangerous Time

NOTE: This piece describes 198X in detail. I encourage you to play the game yourself. It’s currently available on Steam and PS4, costs $10, and takes about 90 minutes to play.

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There’s a song I love by the Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn called “Lovers in a Dangerous Time.” To me, the song is about how the things we might take for granted as a normal part of our lives most of the time can feel frivolous or wasteful in times of great crisis, yet it’s also in those difficult times that we may need those things the most. I mean, how can you go on a romantic getaway when immigrants are being held in nightmarish conditions in concentration camps here in the United States? But on the other hand, isn’t it in these times that we most need to be reminded of our own humanity, the humanity of others, and why a better world is worth fighting for?

When you're lovers in a dangerous time Sometimes you're made to feel as if your love's a crime  Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight  Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight

Personally, I often find that many video games, movies, television shows and other types of art that I normally enjoy begin to feel hollow and indulgent when I can’t escape the awareness that moral atrocities are being committed by my own government. However, it’s also true that such times are precisely when art that cuts through the crap and makes me feel something deep and genuine is more vital and necessary than ever. 

Twin Peaks: The Return was essential to me during the first year under Trump, not for being the most “woke” thing on TV (it wasn’t) but for being such a strange and uncompromising show that watching it felt like being blasted with a high-pressure water cannon that washed away the cynicism I’d cloaked myself in as a way of enduring the horrors of the week. On one episode, David Lynch’s own character, FBI agent Gordon Cole, tells chief of staff Denise Bryson, a transgender woman, that he told the agency men who didn’t accept her to “fix their hearts or die,” and there was the show itself, each week, working its own magic to fix my heart, to keep me human in dehumanizing times. 

For me, the new video game 198X enters this same category; it’s one of those rare and urgent works that does what we most need art to do when we most need art to do it. In 198X’s launch trailer, we see footage of games from an assortment of genres as the protagonist, Kid, says, “This is not just a beat ‘em up. This is not just a shoot ‘em up. This is not just a racing game. This is not just a ninja game. This is not just an RPG.” This trailer got me fired up for the game because I felt as if I knew exactly what Kid meant. When I was a kid myself, back in the years of 198X, games were much more to me than what they may have appeared to be on the surface. In my desperation to escape from anguish both internal and external--the pain of gender dysphoria, a home racked by alcoholism and instability--I could turn even a simple, tedious game like Capcom’s run-and-gun Commando, one of the few NES cartridges we owned, into a valiant struggle to triumph over the forces that threatened to swallow me whole. 

Like me, Kid is an expert at finding deeper meaning in the space between themselves and the game. And it only makes sense, since like me, Kid has a need for escape, and a need for meaning. 198X avoids the use of any gendered pronouns for Kid--the only voice we hear throughout the game is Kid’s own, as they narrate their own story--but I believe Kid might be trans or genderqueer. At least, in the absence of the game asserting otherwise, this is my headcanon. I have to admit, seeing a character like Kid in a game still feels like coming across an oasis in a desert. Such representation is so rare, and so precious to me, that it feels life-giving. Brilliantly delivered by Maya Tuttle, Kid’s narration offers us tremendous insight into who they are, even as they remain a fiercely guarded individual. During one of the game’s many gorgeous pixel art interludes, Kid reminisces about how they used to frequent a nearby video store with their father. “But then, we didn’t go there anymore,” Kid says, hinting at some undefined strife that has driven their family apart. “It was no big deal,” Kid says, revealing just what a huge deal it was.

198X’s narrative offers little in the way of specifics, and to me, this only makes it stronger. It asks us to identify with Kid as a player, to feel the games the way that they do and to understand how those games might take on a meaning that reaches beyond the basement arcade that becomes Kid’s refuge. When you start 198X, you’re immediately thrown into Kid’s experience as a player. The first thing you see is an intro sequence and title screen for Beating Heart, a beat ‘em up released in the year 198X. You hear the sound of a quarter sliding into the machine, and then it begins, you’re playing, controlling a brawler in a red hoodie--Kid’s signature color--clobbering an assortment of punks who are out to stop you for reasons that are never explained. They don’t need to be. Kid feels antagonized by the world. Fighting just to survive. That’s why the act of defeating the people who stand in Kid’s way is meaningful. 

198X is a game about how games can mean more to us. If it didn’t let the games that Kid plays within it make their own kind of meaning, unfettered by story specifics, it would undercut its own effectiveness. Unlike so many pixel art games that play as homages to the past and simply want to replicate and capitalize on our memories, 198X is interested in commenting on them, in exploring just what our experiences with the games of the past may have meant to us. Stories in games back then were routinely disposable but that doesn’t mean that the games didn’t mean anything. They did. Through their imagery and music and the way they made us feel, they took on all kinds of meaning, offering places where those of us who felt like losers could be heroes, where those of us who never felt like we fit in here in the real world could belong, could be wanted, could be needed.

Thankfully, 198X prioritizes emotional truth over historical accuracy, allowing the games that you play as Kid to do things that real arcade games of the 1980s never did. After playing Beating Heart for several minutes, making your way out of a subway station and onto a city street, something surprising happens: the camera pans up and away from our hoodied hero to take in an unreachable skyline in the distance. Beating Heart fades out, and it’s only then that we first see Kid, alone in their room in their suburban home, a city in the distance representing all the freedom and possibility that Kid dreams of, but it may as well be a million miles away, for all the good it does them. 

Unable to achieve that kind of escape, Kid finds a different kind at the local arcade, telling us, “In front of these machines stood some of the coolest uncool people I had ever seen. They were the freaks, the geeks, the misfits, the outcasts, the real rebels, part of something the outside world could not understand, or even knew existed.” Is that the kind of narration some people might find cheesy? You’re damn right it is, and thank goodness for it. I have no patience right now for irony. Give me something earnest, sincere and openhearted. Kid may be emotionally guarded but 198X wears its heart on its sleeve and I am here for it. 

My favorite moment in 198X comes a bit later, after Kid reveals their crush on a girl at their high school. “Oh, man, that girl was born a rebel, free to go wherever she wanted to,” Kid says as we see their crush peel out of the high school parking lot in a black sports car, leaving Kid quite literally in the dust. “Free in a way I could still only dream of,” Kid says, and instantly we’re presented with the title screen of 198X’s driving game, The Runaway, which begins with a black sports car speeding off into the distance, leaving Kid’s car, your car, a red sports car in the foreground, pursuing the driver of the black car and the freedom that she represents. 

The Runaway’s most direct reference point is probably Sega’s 1986 racer OutRun (one of the best games of all time, as I talk about in this video), but OutRun offers an escape. In The Runaway, Kid can’t quite get away from reality. You make your way from a barren desert to the outskirts of a city, and Kid begins to speak, completely blurring the already thin lines between their real life and their experiences with the games at the arcade. “Nothing could beat the rush of the highway,” Kid says. “The speeding cars reminding me that there was a way out, a road to somewhere, the city on the horizon. I’d drive all night to get to that place,” Kid says with their characteristic guarded longing, and just then, a soaring, yearning guitar screams above the ambient synth soundscape, sending chills down my spine. So often in the games of the 1980s, music was where emotional complexity could flourish, even when the narrative was just a flimsy excuse for you to run through deathtrap-laden levels and blast killer robots, and 198X’s score is consistently up to the task of capturing the heightened emotion of the period’s best video game music, but what it does here is special, even by those lofty standards.

It’s a piercing, perfectly calibrated moment, but it’s not the last of The Runaway’s surprises. You make it to a bridge, speeding past highway signs that indicate you’re getting closer and closer to the city as Kid talks about how the games at the arcade have changed their life. “Down here, I was free. I was in control. No one told me where to go or what to do. The only bad part about it was having to come back up to the real world.” Just then, you run out of time. Your car slows to a stop. All the other cars speed on, bound for the city, but for you, it remains out of reach. And isn’t that just how it feels sometimes, like there are freedoms that others enjoy, that elude you, no matter what? It is for me, anyway.

The final game you play as Kid in 198X is called Kill Screen. A rudimentary first-person sci-fi RPG of sorts, it has no analog in the actual arcade games of the 1980s, so far as I’m aware, but that doesn’t matter. 198X is an emotional journey, not a historical one. In Kill Screen, you must slay three dragons, all the while taunted by an artificial intelligence known as Motherboard, clearly a stand-in for Kid’s own mother, or at least for the ways in which Kid has come to see their mother as a symbol for all the ways in which they’re trapped. It’s here in Kill Screen that 198X takes its only real missteps. Among Motherboard’s taunts are some statements that feel too plain and standard to evoke the intensity of Kid’s struggle. Sure, when a parent fails to connect with you as a person, even comments like “DO YOUR HOMEWORK” and “DON’T STAY UP” can be painful reminders of the yawning distance between you and them, but in the context of 198X’s economical storytelling, these generic phrases fall flat. Other phrases hit harder, though. When Motherboard’s cold robotic voice intones the words “YOU ARE ERROR,” a Zelda II reference that also pointedly encapsulates how I often felt in the world and how I imagine Kid does as well, I laughed, but it stung a little, too. As I triumphed over the challenges of the dungeon, Motherboard resorted to merely repeating “HELP HELP HELP,” and I felt that Kid’s mom was almost certainly hurting in her own way, unsure of how to connect with her child, the two of them talking past each other, neither sure how to close the gap.

What does Kid’s defeat of Motherboard actually mean? Where does Kid go from here? I don’t know, and I’m glad the game doesn’t try to spell it out. All I know is that there are still possibilities in Kid’s life, just as there are still possibilities in mine, and that games can mean something valuable and real, even when the world feels like it’s falling apart. 

I don’t expect 198X to work on everybody the way it worked on me. After all, it’s a game about how deeply personal our experiences with games can be, how games can take on larger meanings in the context of what’s happening in our own lives. We take our life experiences into the games with us--Kid’s ambiguous gender identity, for instance, is hugely meaningful to me, in ways it may not be to others--and we take the meaning we find in the space between ourselves and the games we play back into our lives. 198X doesn’t just understand that; it captures what it is to find the kind of meaning you so desperately need in a game right when when you so desperately need it, and god, do I need it now. This is one of the best games of the year.

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#198X