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3xiles · 2 days

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Sweet lies

Pairing • Toji x gn!reader

Warnings • Angst!, Cheating mentioned, suggestive, manipulation, UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!, Cursing, not proof read sorry!! lmk if i missed anything >.<

Word count • 405 words

A/n • This is my first time writing in a while LMAO. I hope you all enjoy! :)) Repost are always appreciated!

You knew your marriage was going downhill the first time you caught him but, you being young, naive, and stupidly in love you let yourself believe the foolish lies that he would spill to you every night. The tongue that was used to pleasure another being the same one let the words “i love you” effortlessly roll off.

You met Toji when you were fairly young. A fresh college graduate moving away from home to a new city to start your new life. Things were going great! You were able to snag a great job as an accountant and you were making good money. You got a beautiful pent house apartment and were wearing clothes that years ago you thought you would never be able to afford and not to mention all at the age of 24. Yeah, things really were going great for you and things would still be that way if you just hadn’t gone out that night.

You had met a group of girls from this dance class you joined when you first moved and they somehow convinced you to go out clubbing with them one night. ‘What’s the harm in one night out?’ you repeated to yourself in your head, you were never really the clubbing type. Little did you know that one night would somehow change the course of your life. You met Toji on this night out.

He had this charm to him. Maybe it was something about a man that was older that got it you or the strong cologne that hit your nostrils as soon as he walked up. It could’ve been how smooth he was with his words and how dominating his presence was. At first glance he seemed scary but something about him made you feel… safe. Using that deep rasp voice and smooth combination of words he managed to bring you home that night.

It wasn’t something you were proud of, you didn’t like one night stands. Afterwards you were ashamed you would let yourself go like this, especially with a guy you just met not even 2 hours ago! You can’t lie tho, he was the best fuck you’ve ever had. He fell asleep shortly after so you took that as your que to leave. Before you leaving you left your number on his nightstand, you wanted to see more of him but it also made you feel better about the situation. Much to your surprise he ended up calling a few days later and asking you out on a date. It made you feel good, he wanted you. He wanted to turn into something. All that talk at the club wasn’t just to get in your pants, he actually liked you! You both went on more dates and shortly after began dating. It was a very nerve wracking experience for you, him being your first relationship since high school.

You fell hard. He made you feel things you’ve never felt before. He was all you wanted and more. He was nothing like the guys your age, he was grown. He was doing things for you that you’ve only seen with TV couples. Bringing you flowers while you were at work, random dates and gifts, and so much more. Toji was the man of your dreams but like every couple you guys had your ups and downs. The thing that made them all better, that damn mouth of his.

Toji’s words were your drug. He just always knew the right things to say. He had you right in the palm of his hand and you didn’t even know it. The things he has convinced you to do are unbelievable and looking back on it now you definitely wouldn’t have done them. Cutting off all your friends because in his words “They are all too immature” and “bad influences”, moving out of the apartment you loved so so much because he says would be better to wake up with you by his side and even quitting the job of your dreams.. because he promised he would take care of you. He didn’t want you to ever stress your pretty little head or lift one of your polished fingers. You began to rely on him, you began to need him.

About a year and a half into your relationship he proposed and of course you said yes! who were you to say no to him? He was providing for you, keeping you safe, the least you could do was tie the knot with him, right?

Biggest mistake of your life.

part two???

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ladybugsimblr · 15 hours

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Dizzy Des on the Music Industry, Bailey Kay, Money vs Marriage, His Legendary Career & More | JUICE CHAMPS R E B E L. T V - 118K Views - 10 hours ago

Comments 43K

wakeupmrwest Best interview yet! You don’t want to skip a second of this. Thank you Dizzy for joining us and schooling these dudes.

Dizzy Des This is why I started this network. A platform to speak our truth!

redpillscholar I knew Bailey Kay was just like all the other 304s. Using 🐱 to get ahead. No talent. You don’t want a female like that Dizzy. She’ll ruin your brand.

BadKidForLife King shit! Mad wisdom! I was taking notes!

kingb 🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢

bkstan 🦋🦋🦋

futuretoxicex Did you even listen to the interview before coming in here with your stupid butterflies? Take your twerking somewhere else. Dizzy was spittin facts.

rubberbandshan Reported dot com. Let me get outta these comments before I puke.

Ocsar: So you really suing BK?! How did it get this bad?

Dizzy: I don’t know! I’ve been asking myself the same damn question. One minute we’re all good, reconnecting, and then next thing you know she’s skipping out on business deals.

O: We know things started going downhill after your album release party. What really happened that night?

D: I had an amazing time and I made sure Bailey did too as everyone saw. But I don’t think she was able to handle those old feelings coming back. Instead of being honest with herself and going for what she really wants, she turned on me instead.

O: Wait. Wait! Run that back. Old feelings? You two had something going on?

D: We have history.

O: What kinda history? You smashed the Queen?

D: Let’s just say when Deangelo brought Bailey Kay to my door she was crackable. She was willing to do whatever it took to get put on. We worked hard, partied hard. Wild times back then.

O: Woooow!

D: Unfortunately we couldn’t make it work as a team. I tried but she chose a different direction. I guess she thought Khalil would do her- I mean do it better over at Blueprint. Obviously she chose wrong. I’m the King of this shit. We could have been on top of the world. True music royalty.

O: I mean BK is definitely on top of the world right now. Are you trying to take her down?

D: Funny choice of words but nah. I want her to keep winning in this industry. But I also want what’s owed to me.

D: Once I win my court case, get my simoleons and maybe a thank you, I’ll be waiting for her with open arms. Ditch those cornballs you got controlling you Queen. You need a high value sim like me to make you be the beautiful butterfly you claim to be.

#bk history: the toxic male version #longest heaviest sigh #gross #hate it here #why are they so fine tho?#bc the toxic problematic ones usually are 😭#bklegacy #bklgen2 #bailey kay #dizzy des #oscar west

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beatrixstonehill2 · 13 hours

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"I'm ready for my injections," Holly told her boyfriend, Ryan.

"Good, you're becoming so obedient. I told you you'd come around eventually. You almost look eager."

Holly blushed, feeling the weight of her breasts hanging off her chest, already about twenty-five pounds each. Fifty whole pounds of pure breast. It felt absurd to her, so wrong, and yet inescapable. It was her new reality. "I'm excited to see them grow for you....."

"That's a good girl," he said, inserting IV needles into her breasts at various points.

Holly winced as her boyfriend injected her breasts with over a gallon of saline each. She remembered when she first met Ryan barely a year ago. He was so charming, they met at the gym and were both very passionate about being fit and healthy. She worked as a gymnastics instructor. Now she couldn't imagine trying to work her old job. The mothers would be horrified at such a huge-breasted cow of a woman trying to teach their daughters.

Soon into their relationship, Ryan mentioned having a big tit fetish. She thought nothing of it, what guy doesn't? Before long, she noticed her breasts were getting bigger and started lactating. He fessed up that he was drugging her water bottles, and apologized, but said he wanted her EE-Cup breasts much bigger. She was angry but as her girlfriend was still excited to please him and get bigger for him, despite not wanting large breasts.

Her breasts got bigger and bigger, impeding her ability to do gymnastics. Women began recommending she get a reduction or chop them off outright. Holly had to reluctantly admit her boyfriend was making her grow them out like this. His fetish consumed her life, made her lose her job, getting so bad she found herself becoming a living embodiment of his kinks. No longer Holly at all, just an object he acted on and molded into his perfect toy.

She gasped as the gallons of saline flooded her breasts, his new favorite means of torturing her. When they were done, her breasts ballooned to double their size, red and swollen, round and very taut like fake tits. He took out the needles and placed heart-shaped bandages over them to help keep her tits from springing leaks. This new way of increasing her breast size would ensure once the saline is absorbed her breasts would stretch, getting saggier, longer, emptier. Instead of being beautiful and full from the breast growth drugs, like a woman who's pumped out a dozen or so kids, her breasts would switch between extremely saggy, floppy and empty, and enormously round and heavy, filled to the point of popping with saline, heavy as two water coolers strapped to her chest.

Holly winced as Ryan tightened her leather straps and added the rest of her corrective harness, which looked a bit like bdsm gear, to help keep her back upright, pushing out her giant saline-filled boulder tits. Ryan smiled, smacking Holly's breasts, which made her recoil in pain. "It feels incredible when I hit them, doesn't it?"

Holly nodded, barely able to catch her breath. "Y-Yes.... Smack them all you want. They're yours."

"Good girl, but they're about to be all of Lower Manhattan's. I want you bringing in lots of money tonight, OK? Smile a lot, eagerly service any man, even the homeless ones or violent looking ones. I can't have you saying no to any clients. Don't worry, I'm taking my anti-STD pills every day so I won't contract all the bugs you're collecting. Oh, and if you don't mind, I want you whoring on the corner by your old dance studio, hopefully some of the moms and other women you worked with might get to see your new occupation. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Holly was blushing beat red. "B-But....."

"None of that. You don't have 'no' in your vocabulary. Now off you go!" he said, smacking one of her breasts again.

"OK.... I won't disappoint you."

"Good, otherwise I might have to paddle all that saline out of your tits when you get home"

Holly yelped as he spanked her, sending her out wearing only her harness and nothing else, to go enjoy her new occupation as a whore with giant saline-filled breasts. Which she slowly started to feel was exactly who she was always meant to be.

#be #breast expansion #breast inflation #bug chasing kink #whoring kink #body modification kink #humiliation kink

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ivaspinoza · 1 day

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Does a writer love to write?

Oh, to be a writer! A poet, an artist. What a blessing — or a curse? I said this before, as a joke, that "writers are cursed to write, no matter what" happens or how long it takes between intervals. Writers will write. They might struggle, mostly inside their own heads, but they will write. And they will feel accomplished for doing that.

During my block time, I used to try and try to write, not because I had to, but because I couldn't help but to keep trying and writing the weirdest words, absolutely nonsense shit — until one day, I went back on track. Not writing was never an option. I tried to give up this, many times when I was at a bad place mentally. I felt that I wasn't a writer because I wasn't writing, but this only led me to this previously shared conclusion I keep as a mantra:

"I do not write because I want to be a writer, I write because I am one."

Some people will lick an artist's shoes and treat them as their saviour. This is the same type of people who might think having a degree makes them automatically smart, that every doctor knows what they are doing, and that artists are somehow a superior class of people. I was talking with my beloved @goodluckclove about it today (the main reason I'm writing this), about how being an Artist, or a Writer, is just another job, like being a Teacher, a Baker, a Parent, a CEO or a Janitor. Some artists will even tell you they had no "talent" at all, they just decided to commit and learn. I can draw and I always tell people that it is pure muscle memory. Just practice. Just commit.

But there is also that sparkle, that inspiration, that epiphany, right? That thing that art causes. What makes some works of art shine and hit you with eternal impact? Just practice? This is a long, deep, crazy, boring, infinite debate, but to me the answer is simple.

It's the soul.

That's why AI will never be able to do it. The soul carries memory, information, patterns, feelings, mysteries, and language (unspoken, holy, different languages, that we don't know much about). Some works are technically fantastic but soulless. Some are full of soul, but lack skill. However, the soul is always a part of it, as it is for a doctor when their soul shakes in grief after putting everything they had in for a 72-hour surgery just to lose their patient. Everything goes through the soul. Have you met a soulless doctor? I have.

What about a teacher helping a student to overcome their difficulties? A mother in a 72-hour labour to deliver her baby, with a father who didn't leave her side? Parents that actually take their time and energy to raise conscious, cared for and loved human beings? When a CEO thinks of what is best for the team, and comes up with a brilliant idea, instead of just caring about money? When a janitor makes a place clean and tidy for others, instead of neglecting it? It is not the job itself that is important, but the motivation, the intention, and the heart behind it. That is what makes it valuable.

Our trades will always affect the ones around us. Human nature is deeply connected to the desire to be useful and serve. Not to be stuck at this point forever, but to me, a big reason for so much pain and depression in the modern world is how self-centred our culture pushes us to be. "All about me"! Too much thinking in your head will make you crazy (I would know). But when we are useful, we find peace and rest from ourselves, we connect, and we are in reality, grounded in the present.

Will you love it every time? Nope. Not naturally. But do we have to hate it?

As an artist, poetess, writer, I can tell you that I didn't always love to do it. Sometimes, it was painful. Sometimes, it brings me physical discomfort or it can be disturbing because of my own limitations and issues — the artist himself is in his work (I will die on this hill, because of the soul). But I don't believe and I won't ever advocate for the tortured artist figure, for the "I hate being a poet", although I can't think I ever got these words from any poet.

"I hate making art!" "I hate my kids!" "I hate to live!"

I think it's time to wake up to the levels of desensitisation we have come to. These contemporary times unfold in absolute glorification of evil as if everything painful and ugly was "more artistic". We don't have to avoid hard themes and make it taboo out of them, but we do need a counterbalance. We also need responsibility and honesty when choosing our themes and our artistic or literary approach. And we do need to stop hating things all the time. We need a mature creative world.

It is easier and faster to break than it is to build. It's easier to hurt than to heal. Look around. We have almost nothing left to "break" at this point. I'm in search of beauty again. Out with lanterns. The beauty in you and in me. Not for the glorification of the artist, or of the art itself, but for the Love that keeps me going, that designed me for a particular job, and that I plan to execute in love.

"Let all you do be done in love", it's written. But because I know Love is not only feeling, even when I don't feel like doing it, I will go back into Love, into humility, and do it to the best of my strength. I will do it so that when I have the opportunity to serve someone by it, they feel love. We put our soul into it, and it's not an aesthetic, not a fancy ethereal trend; there is no need for applause. I will do it like that because in that doing is the reward itself, not in the praise or the prize.

All is vanity. Love is the reward.

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aromanticbuck · 2 months

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apparently this is the year for this...

Please Help Us Out With Bills

Currently, I'm virtually unemployed due to health issues and my employer all but refuses to give me short term disability pay because I don't have a diagnosis yet. I'm doing DoorDash as much as I can, which brings in ~$150 a week if that. It leaves my roommate, @kitthekazoo, to cover most of the mutual bills - like rent - virtually on her own. But that does mean she can't pay her own bills (like car and insurance) after paying the second half of our rent this month.

Like I said, I'm doing DoorDash around doctor's appointments and other activities, like school (which is paid for by my employer, who I still technically work for, I'm just on an extended medical leave - it's excused time off, but I don't get paid at all), but that doesn't bring in much. My checking account (where my DD money goes) is negative almost $400 because things keep taking out and every single one of those charges also incurs an insufficient funds fee of $31.

I would need ~$750 just to get positive enough to pay Kit back for my half of this rent payment. Plus I have my own bills to pay - car insurance, credit cards I'm desperately trying to catch up with the payments on, gas so I can keep doing DD, etc.

I know it's a lofty goal, but getting $1k by the end of the month will keep us sane and housed while I navigate my medical issues. Hopefully, after we run a few tests next week, they'll have a better idea of what's going on and when I'll be able to go back to work, and these money issues won't keep coming up...

I'll link my accounts below, including my etsy where you can buy some crochet projects from me if you want something in return for your donation! Or feel free to message me here or on etsy if you want something made that isn't listed in my shop.

Thank you in advance for any little bit, even if you can just reblog to spread the word. 💜

paypal venmo: amwallace95 etsy

so far: 230/1000

EDIT: I fixed the links!

#alex says things #mutual aid #signal boost #pls?#i feel so bad not being able to make money #because it stresses out both of us #but my credit union is determined to dig me a whole i can't get out of #so i'll just have a breakdown over here and try to keep it together #please reblog if you can't send money #or even if you can #we're so stressed and worried right now

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gibbearish · 6 months

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love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking

#yes i want things to be free like ??? that is not a weird desire #'but but it costs money to keep up' ok and? how is that my problem #the government has plenty of murder dollars they could reallocate a few to make internet services universal if they wanted #also these companies were perfectly capable of supporting themselves before the internet got drowned with ads so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#edit: muting notifs on this post bc new additions have kind of petered out #so no one feel bad about adding something someone else has said‚ it is not bothering me im just trying to keep my #notifs page cleanish lol #also since i saw some people are being redirected to read my tags: firstly hiiiiii this is a special secret message for you:3 #secondly i have learned since making this that the reason they were able to support themselves previously was because #of investors bankrolling everything #and theyre now finally realizing that theyre never going to actually make a profit and arent as willing to invest #however thats just a minor correction and doesnt change my overall point #once again. so many murder dollars #so thats why im just adding it here in the tags rather than making an actual correction #anyways . love yall 💕#origibberish #bigger gibbers

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dailyrickastley · 1 month

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Once upon time in 1987...

#rick astley #1980s #1990s #1987 #80s #pete waterman #Never Gonna Give You Up #stock aitken waterman #the dance #jeff green #fi glover #video #bbc #whenever you need somebody #!! personal opinion incoming !!#Waterman has big ego but I don't think he ever wanted anything bad for Rick #because he could've been way more dickish about his contract #letting him go probably was hit for his ego and/or feelings #as in someone wants to part ways with them but also would have looked bad to keep him around to milk money out of #after all S/A/W did have bit of a hobby of flaunting how effortlessly they were able to do things despite being so small #and media had hobby of calling him their puppet (extra bad look when he had been sick of the limelight already)#buuut to be fair RCA “bought” Rick out of the contract so #its not like there wasnt money thrown around to every direction #...also notice how neither Aitken & Stock make cameo in this segment...#uk #chris cowey #quality is this crispy because its from my phone #which doesn't have lot of memory left #but you can also find this elsewhere (probably with better quality) if you're interested #bbc 2

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donnyclaws · 6 months

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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.

#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself #maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it #places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do #cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way #which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does #working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it #it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect #idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or #be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely #i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute #not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always #i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen #but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the #i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or #yadda yadda lmao #sorry for the impromptu ramble #this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art #god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex #i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less #and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like #that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy

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toytulini · 10 months

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Okay i have yet to see a post about this that isnt filled with ppl being Annoying as Fuck on it, but,

theyve found wreckage of the submersible, it imploded (thank god, thats better than a drawn out suffocation over the course of several days, implosion means it was pretty much instantaneous) and the us navy have revealed they heard a weird sound on sunday from about where communication with the sub was lost, that was probably the sound of the implosion, [implied that they didnt say anything cos they didnt want to jump to conclusions without evidence of a wreckage, if there was a chance they were still alive.] no idea what the banging sounds were.

I do hope rescue efforts are extended to the migrants off the coast of greece, and am angry and horrified at their mistreatment, and that the media clearly cares less for their fates than that of the billionaires on the sub.

also, while i have you here,

The difference between a submersible and a submarine is not that one is safer. The titan was a submersible that was unsafe, but that is not because it was a submersible.

A submarine (or sub) is a watercraft capable of independent operation underwater.

A submersible is a watercraft designed to operate underwater, usually supported by a nearby surface vessel, platform, shore team or sometimes a larger submarine.

submarines generally dont go as deep as our deepest submersibles, but some can be down there for months at a time bc it is like. a self sufficient Ship. not all submersibles can go crazy deep, but to my knowledge, the only crewed vessels that can go that deep, are submersibles. (Alvin, deepsea challenger, limiting factor, trieste, fendouzhe or "striver").

#toy txt post #titan submersible #if ppl start being annoying on this post. ill turn off reblogs and block all of you. make your own post.#reblog the other ones where people are already being annoying #yes i hate billionaires. but im glad it was a quick death. it was a horrific situation. hope those migrants are given support and help.#i hope oceangate is fined to hell and back and bankrupted and never gets to put anyone in any sort of vehicle ever again #especially not in the ocean. im a little glad that ceo is dead in his own stupid sub im just frustrated he was able to take other ppl with #him. the fact that he was able to operate that unregulated non safety standard meeting ass vehicle and charge people money to ride in it is #fucking insane and unconcioable however you spell that #and now i need to go shower real quick and try to get like. a little over 3hrs of sleep. which will suck but i did accidentally nap for #like? 2 hrs already so it doesnt suck as bad as it could. goodnight please dont be stupid on this post please please please #if you have a hot take on the situation im begging you to hot take it Some Where Else! thank you! good bye #im not gonna bother linking shit feel free to fact check just fuckin. google titan submersible. James Cameron is tossing his 2 cents in now #saw 2 separate articles on that already. thats fine i guess he has been down there in safer vehicles so i guess he can shit talk how unsafe #it is. anyway. saw someone in the comments of a post say it was a submersible bc it was too unsafe to be a submarine and i wanted to start #screaming. thats not what those fucking words mean! at all! god!#irl death #idk what else to tag #behave. bye

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silenthillbunni · 1 month

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🐁☁️🌫️

#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant #nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it #it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer #ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know #it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are #but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom #bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park #i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that #i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none #my sisters havent talked for me in over a year #and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w #nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao #i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots #i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay #and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like #when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things #i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))

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arts-i-enjoy · 2 months

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AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

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wizardnuke · 7 months

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there's a ffic in my head. oouuuag. its Cookin

#domestic little character study of The Bg3 Gang after the everything. in this specific playthrough #tav. grieving karlach and also devastated that astarion can't be out in the sun anymore #more than anything i love Aftermath fics. like who are you once the danger passes #the good and bad things that happen to people when they're no longer constantly in survival mode #it takes a lot longer to actually feel safe. and tavelle has been spearheading this group and still feels so responsible for them #takes her a long time to adjust to not being able to have tabs on anyone and she is SO fucked up about karlach #who tf is astarion when he's de-tadpoled and still spawn. he got to be out in th e sun but not anymore. that's sooo sad #tav can and will trawl thru every enchanter store on the planet until she finds someone who can make like a #sunlight protected item for him #very important for this fic that a) astarion doesn't know that that's what she's up to and #b) is worried about her bc she is clearly up to something and it's also like. visibly upsetting her and #c) when she does finally come up with something she crashes into the room to the degree that he thinks she's being chased or some shit #also this tav is 100% not going to stop adventuring for better or for worse. by adventuring i mean. mercenary work #she's throwing herself into fights still. bc she doesn't know what to do with herself And Specifically to rack up enough money to get #that sun shield thing for astarion #and he will have Words for her abt that #also have an extremely silly idea about the enchanter. very obvious silly idea abt who it is. im gonna name him.. tumas pol

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neptunite-stars · 9 months

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pain and suffering on planet earth < still sick

#rambles #augurghrhrh i wanna work on the charns SO BAD #fucking dies #last night i had a Crisis and i was thinking about . so many things. i should get a job + do commissions for money and also get my life toge #ther but like. realistically ik that i wont be able to do that. hm now im thinking i should go to get diagnosed for adhd / autism. hm. well!#i was thonking about cosplay stuff before all of that and that sparked me realizing that im a real person that needs money to do things #sometimes i forget that i have a life outside the screen .#its strange . i have a specific feeling in my head but idk if i can put it into words. its like remembering that oh #there is beauty int he world. type of beat ykno. but its like oh. im a person. and usually i kinda hate that i dont like being percieved???#but recently its more. huh. im alive. im alive and thats great. i should make my life better < but more as if im talking abt sm1 else #liek that one poem / quote thing i brush her hair because she deserves it bc i deserve it type beat #hm. being percieved as a living being doesnt sound bad right now. i think im spitting nonsense b. im sick. woo!

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spadefish · 1 month

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bllrrhhh sad that i can't throw a bday party again

#i AM gonna go to... a Very Big Garage Sale with my roommate that weekend so that will be fun #but i miss being able to hang out with friends....#OTL #i'm probably gonna let myself make a bday post later this week #of the 'hey here's my wishlist and also things i love pictures of' variety #i debate about it every year but i know when i used to have time/arm power/money i used to love doing stuff for people #if they made bday posts #now i am CRINGE [broke / drowning in work / my arm hurty] so i can't rly do it as much anymore and so it makes me feel bad abt making my ow #sigh.... one day #prof.pdf #negative #?

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gibbearish · 6 months

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kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right?#like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right?#and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

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yuribalisms · 8 months

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Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that

#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them #I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I #think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo #don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is #I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin #I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one #I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to #those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely #that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism #sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim #so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and #miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work #any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to #STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying #to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill #just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t #ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their #careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I #have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that #doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live #in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and #struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything #better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of #this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do #to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps #kaz rambles

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