#i have cried at this scene the three or four times i've watched it

[theelizamanelli]

Time Heals All Wounds

Chapter One: Housewarming

Joel Miller x female reader; pre-raider

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Summary: You return home in your final semester of college due to your Dad’s deteriorating condition. He’s been diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer after years of drinking and his time has become limited. Having a rough relationship with him you return mostly for your little sister Louise and the itching feeling that you may regret not coming home if you don't. You move back into your childhood home - one that happens to be down the street from Joel Miller and his daughter Sarah. What you remember of him is that you used to steal glances through your bedroom window and babysit his daughter on the off occasion. Other than that, you were gone by seventeen and didn't interact with him much. Now you're back and you don't remember Mr. Miller being quite this rugged and handsome.

Warnings: mature reading, no minors, discussion of cancer and hospice, age gap, swearing, alcoholism

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AN: I wrote a lot of fan fiction back in the day and am finding myself thrown back into it with reckless abandon.

No recreational activity in this chapter but I’m hoping for a bit of a slow burn before action picks up. There will be plenty of small moments leading up, I promise you that. I re-wrote this entirely today after changing the plot a bit.

I AM TERRIBLE WITH GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE. Be kind to me.

Let me know what you want to see, if there are scenes you’re dying for.

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The house peers down at you, taunting. Daring you to enter and greet what you have abandoned. You're frozen at the porch steps wondering whether or not this is the right decision. Debating on how much will change if you glide through that door.

You shake your head and throw your bag over your shoulder, closing the car door with a rough shove. Taking the porch steps two at a time you open the door and call out.

There's a flurry of footsteps as a young girl rushes to the top of the stairs. You smile as she races down and embraces you heartily.

"Wheezer, my love!" You yell as you swing her in the air. A great deal harder to do now that she's fifteen. You could have sworn she was ten last week.

"I've missed you so much! I can't believe you're home and we get to keep you!" Louise screams.

"Keep it down! Where's Pops?" you ask as you set your bag down at the door.

"Upstairs, sitting up in the recliner watching TV. His nurse should be here soon, they are coming once a day now," Louise looks down at her feet as she says this.

You rub her back and shove her playfully, "Let's go then."

Walking up the stairs you can feel the anxiety brimming to the surface, threatening to spill out if you're not careful. Louise runs ahead and breezes past the closed door to your old bedroom.

She walks into the open doorway and you see him for the first time in years.

It takes your breath away.

Sucks you in and forces you back in time.

Memories of a Dad who would put your favorite movie on and throw the comforter in the dryer right before it starts bleed into ones of a Dad that would leave empty Jack Daniels bottles on the floor next to the couch while your sister cried in the next room.

This shell of a man you once knew stares back at you and cracks a smile.

“Hey, Pops. I see you’re watching The Rifleman, nothing changes huh?” You laugh and take a seat on the bed next to him.

“The years keep comin' but ain't a damn thing changed,” He chuckles and puts his hand out for yours.

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Your childhood bedroom appears frozen in time. It’s a haunting reminder of how little you’ve visited over the last three and a half years.

Studied hard in high school, graduated early, and didn't think twice when that acceptance letter arrived. Packed what little you owned into your Toyota Corolla and hit the road.

Only really ever coming back to ensure that Louise was being taken care of; taking her out to dinner and buying groceries.

In your absence your Dad has kept every medal, accomplishment, and report card on display. You look up to see pictures printed out from the University newsletter of your achievements tacked to a bulletin board.

Even the walls are still the light purple you painted on a whim your freshman year of high school - a desperate attempt to re imagine yourself.

The bedspread still full of flowers covered with the quilt your Mom made for you before she passed.

You feel tears threaten to spill from your eyes and lean your head back quickly, sniffling.

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The sun sets outside of the kitchen window as you clean up and put the groceries you’ve gone to collect away. A soft hum comes from the AC as it kicks on. You can hear the TV blare upstairs while your Dad snores.

You gasp when Louise comes up behind you, "Sorry to scare you" she says softly.

"No, I've just always been jumpy. You know that."

"I've missed you. A lot. I know he's hard to look at now." she says as she leans her back against the counter.

You don't look at her, focus on the fridge as you organize the food you've bought. Surprised that Louise has even been able to live on the slices of American cheese and four eggs that were here before.

"Thanks for coming," Louise says before she heads towards the door.

You close the fridge door, "Wheezer," you say and she stops for a second.

"I'll always take care of you, I hope you know that. No matter what happens or when." You face her and she looks up at you with tears in her eyes.

"Come here, idiot." Louise hugs you and you hold her tight. Sealing this promise with the longest embrace you two have ever shared.

Louise sniffles and breaks the hug before you, "Mrs. Swanson is having a bonfire over at her house for the neighborhood, wanna go?"

"I wouldn't dream of missing out on Mrs. Peterson's peach pie. Let me change."

In your bedroom you look through the closet and pull out a floral cropped top to pair with your jeans. You peer out the window as you change and see a familiar truck.

Joel Miller's truck.

A memory forms in the corner of your mind of a shirtless Mr. Miller mowing his front lawn. One that you've been fond of since you were a hormonal sixteen year old with a thing for older men.

Your interactions with him were limited to peering at him from your bedroom window and babysitting Sarah on the odd occasion.

By seventeen you had left this town in the dust and hadn't seen him since.

For a second you find yourself wondering what he'll think of you now.

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You promise your Dad brisket, potato salad, and a slice of pie before heading over to the Swansons with Louise in tow.

You don’t remember a whole lot about them besides Mr. Swanson is a high school gym teacher and Mrs. Swanson runs a daycare. They have two boys around Louise’s age but for the life of you, you can’t recall their names or what they look like.

Mrs. Swanson greets you brightly at the door before you even have a chance to knock.

“Oh, my heavens! My, how you’ve grown up! Such a pretty little thing!” Her reddened cheeks and round frame remind you of a cherub as you greet her and hold up the pitcher of sweet tea you’ve brought.

With the spotlight on you, Louise takes her exit quicker than you can grab her wrist. She smirks at you before heading through to the kitchen.

Quickly ushering you in Mrs. Swanson introduces you to her two boys, John and Jacob, and forces you into the small talk you’ve always despised. How is school? What are you majoring in? Are you almost done? Do you have a boyfriend?

At this point you could carry a card with the answers written on it to pass out: School is good. I’m a nursing student. I have one more semester left. No.

Done. Would be a great deal easier this way. Could come complete with an email for follow up questions, do you want to know how many boyfriends I’ve had? Two. How about why I decided to come home? My fathers dying. How else can you intrude my personal life? Go ahead.

A familiar face glides by and in a flash you take your chance.

"Sarah! I haven't seen you in so long, have you seen my sister?" you grab her by the wrist and she beams up at you, glancing at Mrs. Swanson.

You excuse yourself and walk with Sarah, pulling her close to you.

"Don't look back, keep going no matter what."

She giggles and takes you to the patio where you find Louise with a few of the younger girls.

They both then proceed to fill you in on every emotional turmoil they have experienced in the last four years you have been absent.

Failed friendships. Toxic boyfriends who Sarah makes you promise to never tell Mr. Miller about. Neighborhood drama.

You find yourself in a chair with a near empty cocktail in your hand as Sarah animatedly enters her next story when the porch door slides open.

Joel Miller steps through in a white undershirt, blue flannel, dark denim jeans, and boots. He has a beer in one hand and uses the other to close the door behind him.

“I thought I would find you out here talking someone’s ear off.” He says pointedly towards Sarah who scoffs.

Your breath hitches as you take him in, the first time you have seen him since you were a barely legal teenager with a head full of nasty thoughts.

“Actually, she loves it and has missed me so much I think I’m going to ask her to spend the night.”

“Here? With Mrs. Swanson?” He takes a swig of his beer “Not sure she’s going to want to be berated with questions for the rest of the night.”

I laugh, “If I have to tell one more person what my major is, I think I'll hang myself from this deck."

You see a smile curl up on his lips as he takes another swig of his beer. He leans against the railing as Sarah and Louise continue talking.

You stand up and clear the distance between the two of you. Leaning in a similar fashion.

“How are you, Mr. Miller? I haven’t properly seen you in about four years. I bet you barely recognized me with all of my acquired feminine charm and maturity.”

He takes a pause before looking over at you. You notice his eyes trail your body for a second longer than you expected.

“I recognized you alright, feminine charm and all. I bet your Dad is mighty proud of ya’.” He turns towards the backyard and puts his forearms on the wood as he peers over to the underneath of the deck.

Almost as if he's trying not to look at you for too long.

Or maybe that’s just what you hope because you don’t remember Mr. Miller looking quite this rugged and handsome. His jeans are clutching onto his ass in a way that would make even a God fearing woman blush.

For a moment you find yourself wishing you were the top of that beer bottle touching his lips.

You feel the pink creep onto your neck as you say, “Yeah, he’s proud alright. Hasn’t touched my room since I left so that’s got to count for something.”

Mr. Miller takes the last swig of his beer before turning.

He gestures at your drink, “I’m going to get myself a beer. You want another one?” You nod yes and thank him.

Sarah says, “I’ll take one too!”

“Ya, you wish, kid.” He slides the door open and walks back into the kitchen.

Louise and Sarah talk for a while longer as the party dies down. Mr. Miller brings you the cocktail and sits in one of the chairs with his head poised towards the backyard where the bonfire has been lit.

You haven't listened to a single word the girls have said since he walked back onto the patio.

He rolls the sleeves of his flannel up and leans a bit forward. You admire the muscles in his arms and the tanned look of someone who works outside for a living.

His hands are calloused and rough, a poignant dichotomy as he holds the smooth neck of the bottle with a gentle familiarity.

You turn back towards the backyard to look at the bonfire. You notice that Mr. Johnson has pulled out the makings for s'mores. You haven't had one of those since you were a kid so you break from the deck and head over.

Grabbing a stick and shoving a marshmallow on it, you let yourself get swarmed with smoke. Feel the warmth of the fire on your skin, trying to keep the image of those lips on the bottle from your mind.

"S'mores, huh?" Mr. Miller chuckles as he approaches you from behind.

You jump and put a hand to your heart, nearly throwing your marshmallow from the stick.

"Mr. Miller, you scared me!" You sigh, "Yeah, nostalgic, huh? Haven't had one since high school."

"Can't have been that long ago," He smirks as he grabs his own stick and starts to roast one of his own.

He glances over at Sarah who is now sharing a s'more with John.

"I'll have you know that I'm about to be twenty two," You assemble the rest as the marshmallow sticks to your fingers.

You lick the parts that are still clinging to your fingers. Careful to get it all off.

He stares over at you as he grabs the graham cracker, "All grown up, that's for sure."

Are you warm from the bonfire or from the words coming out of Mr. Miller's mouth? You can feel the pink heating your neck as it spreads to the tips of cheeks.

You take a bite before saying "As for those young ladies, I can't believe they are fifteen."

Louise is laughing with one of the other girls, showing a video on her phone. She has bloomed into a beautiful woman and you can't believe you missed it.

"Ain't that the truth, won't be long before I am going to have to kick one of these boy's asses."

"For my sake, I hope it's John," He laughs and glances up at you.

"Is that so?"

"Oh, yeah, he's annoying. You can tell by his hair and how often he's touched it in the last five minutes," You smile and look at the ground before meeting his eyes again.

He finishes the last bite and wipes his hands on his jeans. Smirks at you then cocks his head towards the door, "Want another drink?"

You nod and follow him back to the deck stairs.

"I appreciate you watching over Louise, Mr. Miller. I know about all of the sleepovers and groceries," You say quietly as you climb up.

In the last four years you had noticed how often Louise had spent the night at Sarah's house. Her telling you that groceries had been dropped off at the house because the Millers "ordered too much".

He hesitates before opening the door and says, “No need for all that."

"Call me Joel.”

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On next week’s episode:

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#joel x reader #joel the last of us #tlou fic #joel miller #joel tlou #joel miller fanfiction #hot neighbor #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female oc #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x you #Spotify

[feluka]

what's up i'm still very ill with this bug/flu/whatever and i'm going to start binging all of good omens season 2 in a minute. but to spare you all 59850 posts on your dash about something you might not care about, i will instead use this post to liveblog! i will be going back to this post and editing it with every update, so if you're interested in hearing my thoughts you can come back here (and if you're not it should be easy to avoid)

here goes!

update #1: when i started watching i SWORE to myself i would let it all play out before obsessively rewinding the bits i liked after it was all over. less than 2 minutes in and i failed.

"I'd hate to see you getting into any trouble." now what if i chewed my arm off.

update #2: crowley shielded aziraphale first before aziraphale shielded him in the garden of eden???? what if i cried.

update #3: the power is finally back so i've finished episode 1. all this talk about the book of life is raising my goddamn hackles. terrified to see how it comes into play. it's very interesting to me that crowley hasn't told aziraphale about it, too. i personally think aziraphale would still hide gabriel even if he knew about the extreme sanctions.

also, shelly conn is fabulous but i feel her version of beelzebub is *much* more animated than anna maxwell martin's. she's incredible and i love all her mannerisms but at the same time i was very attached to the stoicness of the previous beelzebub so it'll take a little bit to get used to.

update #4: aziraphale doing the little 'one two three four' with his finger before singing to maggie. he's so precious to me he's the specialiest little guy in the world for me and i understand crowley because i, too, would get into trouble with both heaven and hell to keep aziraphale safe

update #5: episode two done. thoughts:

1- this is just a romcom isn't it. i mean.

2- the music that played while aziraphale said crowley needed to take him to hell invokes the music that played during the bandstand scene in episode 3 of season one. i LOVE each and every scene that examines the themes of 'your side, my side, our side' <3

update #6: i'm (not unpleasantly!) surprised that they're addressing aziraphale's classist rant from the book. on one hand i'd just considered it one of the things the adaptation decided to do away with, but now that they've acknowledged it, i'm now very excitedly anticipating a resolution to that conflict. because if i remember correctly in the book the matter didn't really get resolved, aziraphale just dropped this bombshell on me and i had to put the book down for a minute lol

i guess they've been hinting at beelzebub spying on the bookshop using the flies, but i'm curious as to why they would have that knowledge and pretend they didn't. what's the benefit for playing coy here? either there is, and we don't know what that is yet, or the flies are a red herring.

update #7: finished episode 3 and i'm honestly not sure i understood a lot of it! what happened to crowley after falling through the gorund?? did they send him to the pit of torture or whatever for stopping the suicide? also aziraphale is my favourite character but if he says something like "the virtues of poverty" again i'm going to bite his head off. anyway. crowley. don't you know you're a fictional character and that according to all laws of fiction, if you say "if any harm comes to aziraphale" it means it's probably gonna happen? smh

update #8: i still haven't watched any more since last update but. oh dear. i'm too worried to click 'next episode' because 1- the more it dawns on me what might've happened to crowley after getting pulled into the ground i get so hopelessly depressed and 2- 'it's too late. it's always too late' is a very worrying note to end on and i'm positively terrified!! for future reference don't watch anything emotional or worrisome while having a stomach bug. i'm writhing in my seat lol.

update #8: the chat between "jim" and crowley. i am gonna need a short break before unpausing :)

update #9: so i haven't updated for a while because i couldn't think but i just finished the series. i think i can't think. i think i need to sleep and i think i'm very very very very very sad.

#good omens spoilers #gos2 spoilers #good omens

[ambiguouspenny]

oversharing on the internet

Finally doing this...*insert 'it's been 84 years' gif here*

Thanks @alrightbuckaroo for the tag :)

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

My middle name was almost after someone, but according to my mother in the chaos of my birth she just "forgot" that she'd planned to name me after her sister

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

It's actually been a surprisingly long time since I've had a real cry, but I did get misty watching S1E10 of Ted Lasso today.

THREE: Do you have kids?

No and I do not want any either.

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I used to think the answer to this was yes, but I actually think maybe I don't understand sarcasm enough to be using it correctly. But I am the type of guy to say "no" whenever I'm asked to do something that I'm absolutely intending to do. Is that the same? Idk.

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

I used to throw shotput and discus in high school and that is the extent of it. I'm not athletic at all.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

Their shoes. And then their sense of humor.

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

I honestly don't really know, gray/hazel?

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies with happy endings.

NINE: Any special talents?

Sometimes I write and read spoken word poetry.

TEN: Where were you born?

On the other side of the state I live in.

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

Drawing, writing, acting out scenes of fanfiction to myself alone in my apartment, and maying spotify playlists.

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

My parents have two dogs that I see quite often, and then I have a cat, his name is Simon.

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

I am 6 feet tall and have been since middle school. My coworkers were incredibly shocked after a year of meeting exclusively on zoom.

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

Drama and Art

FIFTEEN: Dream job

I'd love to be in some kind of creative leadership position or whatever. Something doing like communications, or marketing or something like that. While maybe a lot of people would think my dream job would be to make a living off of making art, I get a lot of fulfillment from being on a team and problem-solving and I'd love to do that in a more creative setting than what I'm currently in.

hooty hoo! I did it~

going to tag some peeps who may or may not have already done this- obviously no pressure- @hoko-onchi-writes @mixtapestar @freneticfloetry @detective-giggles @guardian-angle22 @heartstringsduet @watmalik @jddryder

hey i'm super happy you exist <3

#about me #oversharing on the internet

[phantomraeken]

15 Question, 15 Mutuals?

IVE BEEN TAGGED SO MANY TIMES I'M SO SORRY

1) Are you named after anyone

Nope! My mom just liked my dead name and as for my chosen name, someone said i reminded them of casper the ghost and i was looking into Danish names and Caspian came up!

2)When was the last time you cried

Today... I was watching Mortal Kombat scenes again

3)Do you have any kids

I mean i have my cat..

4)What sports do you play/have played

Played : soccer, Frisbee golf. Playing currently : hockey

5)Do you use sarcasm

ON THE DAILY...

6) What's the 1st thing you notice about people.

Body language. Also how they talk!

7) Eye colour

Blue grey!! I've been told they're very pretty so many times..

8)Scary movie or happy endings.

Scary movies!!

9) Any talents.

I play a bunch of instruments and I can draw!! Idk if that counts but y'know. I also read people very well

10)Where were you born?

Barre, VT

11)What are your Hobbies?

Playing the drums, writing, reading, lighting design, drawing

12) Do you have any pets?

YES HOLD ON. Basil and Bixby are my two dogs. My four female cats are Pika, Pipa, Calypso, and Bob ( don't ask.. ) and my three male cats are Micha, Jonsie, and my baby Nigel!

13) How tall are you?

5'7!

14)Favourite subject in school?

MATH ALL THE WAY

15) Dream job?

Psychologist or character designer

I don't have anyone to tag because you all did this WAY sooner than i did so anyone <33 just tag me so i can see

[bazzybelle]

I'd love to hear you nerd out about more history! Could you do 10, 17, and 21 please?

Hello! Hello! Thank you for the wonderful ask! I will gladly nerd out about history some more! :D

10) Pieces of art (paintings, sculptures, lithographies, etc) related to history you like most (post an image of them).

Oh snap... this is an unfair question. There are so many pieces of art that I love so much. I am going to focus on three specific pieces (technically four, but the last two are meant to be a pair).

La Primavera - Sandro Botticelli

Yeah yeah, I chose a Renaissance piece... No surprises there. But guys, just LOOK AT THIS PAINTING! This is my all time favourite painting. I was so fortunate enough to have seen this painting in person in 2008, and I straight up cried. I have a cross-stitched version of this painting that I keep above my bed. This painting is everything to me. Look at the details of all the flowers, the welcoming, yet stern gaze of the central Venus character, the playful, yet mournful look of the three Graces. You can spend an hour looking at this painting and STILL find something to talk about.

The School Of Athens - Raphael

Jesus Christ, you guys... look at this fucking painting. Ok so, during The Renaissance, artists started to play around with perspective, adding depth to their paintings. A result would be the level of detail you get in pieces such as this. Look at the arches all the way in the back. You can almost believe that this painting goes on forever. It's insane.

Now, the people. This is just a Who's Who of important philosophers, mathematicians, and thinkers in history such as Euclid, Ptolemy, and most famously Plato and Aristotle (who occupy the centre of the fresco). Ok, let's take a closer look at Plato and Aristotle, because this shit BLOWS MY MIND! Plato, renowed philosopher, is pointing up to the heavens, while Aristotle, natural scientist and mathematician, is pointing to the ground... to Earth. THE DETAILS!

The Mosaics of The Basilica of San Vitale - Ravenna

So the Byzantines were well known for their beautiful, intricate mosaics. If you have a minute, seriously look them up, they are breathtaking. But these two are probably some of the most famous. They depict the Emperor Justinian with his entourage, on one side, and his Consort, the Empress Theodora with her attendants on the other. The level of intricacy and detail in these pieces is astounding, considering they were made with teeny tine pieces of stone and glass. Like what the actual hell?!

17)  What historical item would you like to own?

xD I've answered this question twice. So this time, I've asked my husband. We went on a massive tangent about owning original copies of famous works, and then how owning the original Gutenberg printing press would be cool. We then talked about famous sculptures and buildings that were destroyed, like the Chryselephantine Statues of Zeus and Athena, the Library and Lighthouse of Alexandria.

He then shouted out "I WANT THE ELGIN MARBLES BACK FROM THE BRITISH! OH AND THE TEMPLES THE GERMANS STOLE!"

He also wants the Mask of Agamemnon. Said it'd be a pretty cool addition to our library.

21) Historical game?

I also answered this question, and in that ask, I answered Age Of Empires II, which remains the best strategy/building game in my opinion.

But I did a little digging to try and jog my memory a little bit, and I cannot believe I didn't even think about Assassin's Creed II. It takes place during the Renaissance for fuck's sake. Now, I never actually played this game, because I prefer to watch other people play (I like the stories, and don't want to deal with how much I suck at video games). I've read up on the story of the game and have watched a few scenes of game play and oh my God, it's a great game!

ASK ME THE HISTORY QUESTIONS!

Questions already answered: 4, 5, 9, 10, 13 (but I don't mind giving more random facts :D), 16, 17, 21, 27, 29.

#belle babbles #history asks #I have been having way to much fun with these #it's been so nice to get reacquainted with my love of history #ask me the things

[askatrigenderlgbt]

This post is gonna get serious. I wanna talk about Tony's death in the MCU and how I was affect by it and my past.

Trigger warning: I'm gonna be talking about PTSD, death, depression, and overall a lot of heavy stuff. If this stuff bothers you, you should skip this post. I have plenty other posts that are more for humor or fanfiction.

Tony's death.

This rocked me to my core. I cried when he spoke his last words and how he ended his arc the way he did. I cried cause the character who brought me into the MCU had left it after all this time. I had cried for the character who had become so important to me, only to cry all over again when Steve decided to leave too. Both goodbyes that were from important parts of my Marvel experience were gone like that.

It was a perfect, tragic, ending for both characters. The pain and loss, to the end of their arcs showing how much they changed.

The thing is though, seeing Tony's death, and Steve's choice to leave, had me mentally and emotionally shut down the first time I watched those scenes. I had been lost unconsciously to the past, back to the moment that still haunts me today.

I have PTSD. And my trauma came from my grandfather passing away when I was four. It was traumatic, loud, messy, and lots of crying from my mother. The only person I had to call 'dad' was simply gone in mere seconds.

He past away in my mother's arms, and from the way my mom can remember he was also coughing blood. His lung cancer finally caught up to him.

When children are exposed to stimulation it is already so much for them, every experience being many things: an inconvenience being the end of the world, a new little fact being a huge joy, every experience is learning how the world is. But in terms of trauma? It's greater damage to the mind as a kid compared to an adult.

I had watched my grandfather pass away, got stuck in the loud chaos, and had been unable to process what just happened. I only knew that he wasn't coming back, and that answer only left me empty.

After this moment things changed a lot for me. It was made worst when my mother had to hospitalized for three days sometime after this event. This was another thing that had sent me into a deep form of hurt. I cried hard at my mother's disappearance. I thought I was being abandoned, left alone in a world I still can't understand today.

I had lost a parental figure in my life, thought I was being abandoned sometime later, and was unable to process anything. I only knew the facts, I couldn't do anything beyond that. Any emotions I should have been feeling wasn't there. I didn't feel anything. It was like I didn't know how anymore, I only could feel apathetic. Like I was shunning away the moment.

It was the start of my mental decline.

Tony became an important character for me as he was the hero who felt real, one I could find myself in the same sort of spot with regarding pain.

Every time I see a character I've grown so attached to die, I remember the first time it ever happened. Then I dissociate to cope with the trauma, emotions disappearing into numbness, and I can't watch anymore.

The pain of watching real tragic deaths or of fiction that I've come so attached to, it sends me into a twisted mess. It also happens with goodbyes. Seeing someone or something for the last time, never seeing them again, also sends me back. The feelings of loss and abandonment causing me to push things or people away.

When Tony died on screen I had been left numb, I had left the theater wanting nothing more than to curled up in a ball on my bed and sleep. Forgetting about the moment I watched him die.

I wouldn't get to fully process my trauma till this year. I wouldn't get to the moment of processing till now.

Tony's death, Steve leaving, and the pain left behind was too much for me to handle. Now though I can say that it was tragic but also a beautiful end to their respective arcs. I can't watch certain parts of the movies again for reasons, but I'm able to watch the movies again as I'm now moving forward. I can watch knowing that this time I can finally watch the series and accept each goodbye that happens. I can allow myself to process the emotions I feel freely, letting them come and simply be.

I write this post as a form of my own little therapy. A way of sharing my story to those who might need it and those who need to hear this:

You are not alone in your grief. You are not alone in your pain. Pain comes to everyone and it varies on the person how they respond to that pain. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, these are common disabilities that are found in a large percentage of people. I used to think nobody would understand, but overtime I realized that pain is universal.

When I began to heal I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable, to be weak. To allow yourself the chance to express the emotions held inside out. Feeling those emotions freely is what helped me move forward, but it may be different for you.

What Marvel has helped me to do is learn that it's okay to be human. We are a mess, but we learn together how to be better. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is mean. We are simply people. As we heal from trauma we see those around us differently, unable to go back to the mindset in the past. We can also see those who have similar mindsets to are own.

In conclusion: Tony's death hurt me and pushed hard at an old scar. The pain came and I allowed it to be. I learned to move forward, and learned from Marvel that all you can do is move forward. Tony's death had left the universe safe, Steve leaves behind a legacy and passed down his shield to Falcon. And I learn to come to terms of what happened years ago now.

I wanted to share this in hopes of those who need it see it. And I hope maybe that you, the person reading, have taken something from this post. A person who understands or possibly a new perspective on something.

I hope that you remember that you deserve to be loved, that you are not alone in pain or grief, and that you are amazing.

#marvel #serious post #discussion #depression #ptsd #anxitey #trauma #tony stark #death #steve rogers

[wildcard-rumi]

4 10 17 22 for the video game asks!

4 - Game That Deserves A Remaster/Remake?

There's quite a few games I'd love to remade. Mostly games that were great games but had a few things holding them back. I think I have three big ones, which are:

Sonic Adventure 2, my favourite Sonic game. Yes, part of that is because of nostalgia but it's also because it has my favourite tone of story, favourite level design, favourite gameplay style, multiple playable characters and the Chao garden. The wonderful Chao garden. But the game really has some issues. For one, the camera is awful at times. Number two, the audio mixing is really weird with the voice acting either getting drowned out by the music or characters getting cut off mid line. Third of all, the translation was weird with some lines not being grammatically correct. And some of the levels need a few tweaks to make them more enjoyable. (Looking at you, Mad Space). But all of those things are things that could be easily fixed in a remake. Plus I just desperately want the Chao garden back. Please Sega, I'm begging.

The second game is Resident Evil: Code Veronica. I love this game. It's one of my favourites in the series but it has some small issues that hold it back from being one of the best. For one, there are moments where, if you haven't prepared in advance, you can softlock your game and have to start over because you reached a point of no return and don't have enough ammo and supplies to beat a boss. Two, there's some smaller things like having to press a button to climb stairs that just aren't present in games anymore and for good reason. Three, the weird checkpoint system that sometimes sends you back to really inconvenient points. Four, some of the puzzles need to be tweaked... I'm mostly thinking of that one where you need to put a glass orb under a crushing torture device thing to break it open... The timing of that is too damn precise. Five, the section where you go through the island for a second time as Chris is kinda boring and the elevator stuff gets confusing... Six, voice acting. The voice acting in Code Veronica is weird. Some people love the corniness of it but most people mock it. And last but not least, Steve. Steve is definitely a character with a lot of potential to be great but his writing really held him back from being enjoyable so just give him a little more depth and change a few scenes and he'd probably be good to go.

And third: Tales Of The Abyss. I adore this game but it's so hard to recommend to people because for the beginning section, the protagonist is an insufferable brat and is just infuriating to watch. I almost stopped playing multiple times because of him, my friend had to force me to keep playing. But then a certain event happens. And the game gets really, really, REALLY good. And the insufferable brat? That opening part is crucial to making his character arc one of the absolute best I've ever seen and it's not just point A to point B, no! He has about three different issues he works through and it's beautiful to watch, I cried so much!

So... "If the game's so great, why do you want it remade?" Well, the graphics haven't aged too well, the fixed camera angles can sometimes make it a little hard to judge where you're going, and I don't know if this was just a personal experience or if it happens to everyone but, I had a lot of sound glitches while playing. Plus, I feel like a lot of scenes would hit harder with modern graphics.

Like to anyone who has played ToTA, please imagine:

The aftermath of Akzeriuth with the graphics of Tales Of Arise. The camera behind the character's back instead of a high up shot looking down so it's close to the action, the background noise of the people and surrounding area. Could you imagine how harrowing that would be? It would be amazing.

I'm so sorry for talking so much about this one question, I just have a lot of Thoughts™️ about this topic.

10 - Favourite Ship From A Game?

I mean some that have really stuck with me are: Yu X Yosuke from Persona 4, Ren X Goro from Persona 5, Tatsuya X Jun from Persona 2, Naegi X Kirigiri from Danganronpa (I was obsessed with Kirigiri when I was thirteen, I can't believe it took me two more years to figure out I wasn't straight), Luke X Tear from Tales Of The Abyss, Jude X Milla from Tales Of Xillia, Chrom X Robin from Fire Emblem Awakening. I know there's a hell of a lot more but those are the ones that have stuck with me the most... And that I can think of off the top of my head.

17 - Place From A Game You'd Like To Visit?

Damn, there's so many but whenever I try to name them, my mind goes blank. Soooo... I think all of the places in Genshin Impact are gorgeous. I can't think of any places in particular right now but they're pretty. Also Elysia from Tales Of Zestiria, again, pretty. I just need to roll around in nature, I guess. Those are the kinda places I like.

22 - Games You Want To Play?

There's a lot of games I wanna play but right now the main one is Tales Of Destiny 2. I've been playing through the entire Tales Of Series for the past four/five years now and from the mainline series, I only have Arise and Destiny 2 left. (I can't get Arise right now because I can't afford it but I am saving up) I absolutely adored the first Tales Of Destiny but Destiny 2 never got localised. But a group called Lumina Tales are working on a English Patch so we can finally play the game after twenty years so I am excitedly waiting for the patch to be complete so I can finally play this game.

#i didn't expect my answers to be so long #but apparently i have Opinions

[cerealbishh]

"Tell Vanessa how you feel."

#in the heights film #in the heights spoilers #anthony ramos #melissa barrera #usnavi de la vega #vanessa morales #usnavi x vanessa #vasnavi #well he did #the way he couldn't maintain eye contact when he told her he thought about her #man his face when she says his name and shakes her head #also his face after she says 'i'm the girl who paints nails' #probably reading into this but her mentioning him changing zip codes is probably because she doesn't like the idea of him leaving her #not after he's left her twice at the club #and left her heartbroken and disappointed both times #G O D how could she think she's that replaceable to him? does she see the way he looks at her???? #i have cried at this scene the three or four times i've watched it #vansnavi

[moodybluemoon]

As you stood right there

Pairing: Mob!Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: Bucky‘s girl sees something she shouldn’t have, making her doubt everything she knows about her boyfriend.

Warnings: Mentions of violence, possessive behavior, kind of dark!Bucky I think?, cursing

,,What the fuck are you doing, sweetheart?''

Looking back on it now, she probably should've seen it coming.

It hadn't been a rare occurrence for Bucky to come home to her with a fresh set of bruises, or a blood-soaked shirt. But she had trusted him so much, too much, that his nonsense excuses and explanations had seemed reasonable to her.

She wondered if he had already been this cruel monster when they first started going out. When he used to pick her up from work on his motorcycle, take her to the park, and feed her fresh fruits.

But then again, he was still doing that now while having a full list of names on his conscience. She quickly wiped at the tears that were blurring her vision.

Her Bucky. Her sweet Bucky, who would never hurt her, who has never been anything but a perfect, doting boyfriend to her was a fucking criminal.

,,Did you not hear me? I asked what you were doing sweetheart.''

Now standing directly behind his naive girl, he turns her around to face him, keeping a firm grip on her shoulders.

,,Why are you packing your suitcase?'' his voice was disturbingly calm, reminding her of how quickly he could switch characters.

She closed her eyes for a moment, wishing that she had never come home earlier than planned. Wishing she could just forget seeing her Bucky beating a man within an inch of his life in their basement, showing no signs of empathy toward the crying man.

It was such a contrast to how he was so concerned just last week when she had accidentally stepped on a piece of glass. Pulling it out carefully, to not hurt his baby any further, and encouraging her with his soft loving words of Gonna be done soon baby, I've got you love, my strong girl.

As she watched the scene unfold in front of her, there was no trace of her loving boyfriend of three years. Her boyfriend, who had proposed to her a month ago, underneath the very same tree they'd shared their first kiss under.

She wanted desperately to go back into her innocent little bubble.

,,I'm leaving you, Bucky.'' she tells him, voice shaky and unsure.

There was an uncomfortable silence, but somehow it seemed louder than the screams of the man just a few moments ago.

He knew that bringing the man into their home was a big mistake as soon as it had happened. Bucky had never brought his business home with him, and he knew he should never have started. But in the moment, he didn't have a choice, and his girl wasn't supposed to be home until four hours later. God, his beautiful, innocent, loving girl which he had just traumatized for the rest of her life.

But he can't, he won't let her leave him. He made a pact to himself after their first date, to never let her out of his sight. Not after witnessing how she let herself be pushed around for so long, when she still worked at that terrible diner. The way those men would grab at her and joke about it afterward, made him want to keep her safe and secure for the rest of their lives. When he took her out for the first time, her smile and the way she leaned on him made him fall for her way to quickly.

Bucky could only hope his pretty girl wouldn't notice those customers never returning again.

,,You're not going anywhere, baby.'' he states quietly, like it's a fact.

,,But- Bucky please I don't- Please just let go of me. I won't say a word to any-'' his left hand goes to cup her cheek, while his right moves down to her arm, keeping her in place.

,,Shhh, calm down, baby. You're getting yourself all worked up when you know I won't let you go.''

Her sobs were getting heavier by the second, and she finally allows herself to look into his eyes. Silently pleading with him, though they both know it's hopeless.

He pulls her into his chest, cooing softly into her ear when her cries got louder.

,,I never wanted you to see any of this, baby.'' he says, kissing the top of her head as if it would help in calming her down.

,,I'm scared Bucky, I don't feel like I know you.'' she confesses to him, because no matter what he'd done, right now? This was her Bucky. Her comforting, loving boyfriend, who would never do anything to hurt her, who she could always tell everything to. Despite what she tried telling herself after witnessing what she did, deep down she knows she could never leave him. He rescued her from that job all those years ago, he sheltered her from all the monsters luring outside- he saved her from herself.

,,I would never hurt you, my sweet girl. You know that. And I'm still your Bucky, nothing's changed, this is just something that I have to do.'' she looks up at him.

,,Something you have to do? Bucky I saw you almost kill a man, and you probably would have! I don- how often do you do this? I can't be here-I I need-'' she places her trembling hands on his chest, trying her hardest to push him away, but he won't move an inch. Instead, he just pulls her into his arms tighter.

,,No-I-please Bucky!'' ,,Stop.'' he says with a firm voice, leaving no room for backtalk.

,,Stop trying to negotiate with me. It won't happen.'' he pulls away a bit, wiping away at her tears, before continuing.

,,You think I'd ever let you go? Huh? Like everything I do isn't for you? This house, these clothes, our garden- everything is for you!'' she doesn't flinch at his loud tone, because she notices the tears collecting in his eyes.

,,I need you here baby! None of this makes sense without you. I need you here and I need to know you're safe, always!'' he tells her, because it's true. Nothing in his life would ever make sense again if she left him.

,,But you're hurting people, you were like an animal down there, I-I didn't even recognize you.'' she all but whispers.

,,I know baby, I’m so so sorry, and you'll never see anything like that again, promise. But I need you to understand that this is what I have to do.'' he goes to stroke her back, as she finally leans into him.

,,Was- was he a bad man?'' she asks him, because she at least needs an excuse for all of this. Hopeful eyes staring into his, he nods slowly before assuring her ,,He had it comin' sweet girl. He deserved it. I promise you, love.''

And she believes him, because it all made sense again. Her Bucky was comforting her, like he always did. They would figure it out together, she was sure of it.

He can only hold her tighter as he thanks her again and again for being with him, his perfect girl. His sweet, forgiving, innocent girl.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x f!reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky fluff #james buchanan barnes #marvel #marvel imagine

[xiao-isms]

— hold it!

character(s): xiao.

content: begging, prostate massage, overstimulation, praise kink, edging, fingering, xiao says 'please' and cries a lot.

word count: 1.2k words and 6.6k characters.

voicemail: i had lots of fun writing this! also first fic to reach 1k words woohoo. im not too familiar with soft doms so hopefully this is decent haha. enjoy!!!!! <3

there he was: xiao, the high and mighty adeptus of liyue, on his knees practically begging for you. he stood in a rather compromising position: his legs were spread as wide as possible so you could see his hard, drooling cock while the upper half of his body laid flat on the queen sized bed. the entire scene was something suited for a cheap whore rather than a skilled yaksha such as himself, but he didn't mind-- not anymore; he'd thrown his pride out the window a long, long time ago. "please," he begged, turning his head just enough to meet your playful stare, "please touch me." you took a good look at the tiny form in front of you: his right cheek was smooshed against the cotton pillow and it made his delicate, blush-pink lips form into the cutest pout you'd ever seen. you couldn't deny him the thing he wanted most, not when he was looking at you so innocently. with a nod and gentle kiss to the man's small forehead, you got to work. you teased the tip of his cock, rubbing the pad of your thumb around the slit. you used the precum that had gathered to lubricate the rest of his dick and oh archons, xiao swore he never felt such euphoria. every little touch felt so good; every stroke of your hand, every quick kiss on the base of his cock, all the disgusting, filthy squelching noises you were making with his cock, everything.

he was so close, so close, so close, oh fuck—

"hnng, cumming, 'm, uhn, c-cumming!" he cried, but just as he was about to release all over the wrinkled bed sheets, your hand came to a halt just at the base of his needy dick. you held his shaft firmly and peered at him with a malicious glint in your lustful eyes. "ah, ah," you chuckled, "you cum when i say you can, okay?" fat tears rolled down the yaksha's now reddened face despite the slight nod he gave. he knew how cruel you could be, even if you babied him constantly— both in and outside the bedroom. "good boy, you behave so well, my love," you commended, kissing the hot tears that had risen once again in those beautiful amber eyes. this time, however, you took hold of xiao's milky thighs and pressed them down on the bed— with a few sucks and wet kisses here and there, of course. he was yours and you made that apparent every chance you got.

"here," you said with a gentle smile, lifting your fingers to the adeptus' pretty little mouth, "suck." he wrapped his lips around your digits with sudden verve and coated them in sticky, wet saliva while his tongue went underneath your middle and index finger and through the crevice, making sure to cover every part he possibly could. after a good three minutes of watching the other suck and lick your fingers like his life depended on it, you pulled away. xiao whined and pouted— in the way a child would during a tantrum because their toys got taken away. you shushed him with a ruffle of his thick turquoise hair. "sh, i’m gonna make you feel good, okay doll?" he huffed and buried his face in the white pillow but made a small noise of approval.

you went back towards his pert ass, spreading his soft cheeks. slowly, as not to hurt him, you slid your index finger in his hole to the knuckle. his body shivered, but you couldn’t pick up on any sign of discomfort so you slid it in and out rhythmically. once you were sure he was ready to take a second finger, you inserted your middle one. you scissored his barely open hole so gently, like you were afraid he’d break if you made one wrong move. “you okay, xiao?” you asked with concern laced in your voice. he could take it, he could take so much more than just two fingers—you knew that, you knew he could, but you always wanted him to be safe and comfortable. with you, he’d never have to feel the way he did for centuries; that was something you made sure of.

“y-yeah, i’m okay, keep going.” you let out a sigh of relief, one that you weren’t aware you were holding, and resumed your ministrations. almost fifteen minutes later, you had all four digits lodged into him and pumping in and out of his hole with an ever increasing pace. “mm, you’re so soft, baby. has anyone ever told you that, hm?” the corners of your lips turn upward with every subtly dirty word coming spilling from your mouth. he quivers and shakes his head, of course no one’s loved him, cared for him, touched him the way he allows you to.

the mere thought of that makes your chest swell with pride; you love knowing that you’re the only person xiao has been this intimate with and will continue to be such, for as long as the two of you live. a smirk plays on your lips and with just a small movement, you hit his prostate dead-on. he jumps and whimpers and whines as you abuse that sensitive nerve over and over again. “so good, you take it so well.” he turns away, a clear look of bashfulness on his flushed face, and moans into his pillow. his body seizes and he comes so, so close to orgasm but you stop him just in the nick of time. "n-no! please, please i-i wanna cum so b-bad!" you arch your brow at his pathetic pleas and he lets out a groan. xiao knows you won't let him cum, not just yet; you wanted to play with him for a little bit first, you always do. with a click of your tongue, you began to stroke his leaking length while continuing to rub on that spot that made him putty at your knees with the pad of your finger.

"a-ah! ooh, mm, too much! it's too much! you're g-gonna--fuck!-- break m-me!" fat tears streamed down the man's alabaster face and oh, he wanted to cum, he wanted to cum so, so badly. you were well aware of this and decided to toy with him just one more time— after all, it should be part of the fun, right?

"mm, i don't know, have you earned it?"

at that, he lets even bigger, blood-hot tears roll down his dusted cheeks. "yes!" he shouts. so desperate, so cute. "i've been good, r-really good! let me cum, please! please please please-" you cut him off with a rough kiss and he opens his mouth so your tongue can slip in. it feels like you're trying to shove your tongue down his throat and fuck, he's so hard and horny and hot, it feels so good. you jerk him off and slowly start to move your digits in his hole once more, pulling away from the kiss to look at him straight in the eye. "you gonna cum? yeah, be good and cum for me, xiao." your pace quickens and just as it does, the being below you spasms and cries as he cums all over his tummy, chest and face. the adeptus slumps into the mattress, exhausted. smiling, you remove your fingers from his hole and plop down beside him. "i love you," you announce in the quiet room, only filled with xiao's pants. he looks at you with a hint of adoration in his tired eyes. "y-yeah, love you t-too."

#I FORGOT TO TAG THIS #genshin impact #genshin impact smut #bottom xiao #genshin fanfic #xiao genshin impact #xiao genshin x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact imagines #sub xiao #xiao fic #🎐. . . xiao

[barnesbabee]

𝓹𝓵𝓪𝔂 𝓭𝓪𝓽𝓮 - 𝓯𝓲𝓷𝓪𝓵

|| ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ || ⇜ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ - 21

⟿ ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: No sensible person would turn down their boss if they looked good as good as Seonghwa. But maybe they would wish they had…

⟿ ᴄᴏɴᴄᴇᴘᴛ: CEO!Seonghwa x reader, bestfriend!Yunho x reader || Social Media!AU || no gender specified for the reader

ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ: (send me a DM or an ask to be added) @ateezappreciation @shinyddeonghwa @lilithpooped @cloudyyeonnie@yeosangmystar @wooyoung-a @sanisms @mingismoon @lovelyvitamin @anawwyd @annasbannas @im-just-trying-to-survive-man @uglychildd @oddlittlefandomist @hwahomie @jin-neck-shaft @lovelyvitamin @yeosangmystar @skmoonchild @lovelymultiwrites @sunwooyoung

Panic settled in the room as Seonghwa's words echoed in your heads. Yunho was dead, Mingi disappeared, San wasn't waking up and the body was gone.

And meanwhile, you were getting railed in Seonghwa's office. You felt sick to your stomach, not knowing what to do, or where to even start.

"Someone say something!" Jongho yelled, at the top of his lungs, finally breaking his calm character.

The silence in the room was heavy and you suddenly felt as if you couldn't breathe, as if someone was gripping your throat from the inside. As if on cue, San groaned and his eyes fluttered open.

"What the fuck?..." He groaned, as he sat up straight with the help of one hand.

San rubbed the back of his head with his other hand, hissing as he moved it up and down slowly.

You and Seonghwa ran towards him and knelt beside the man.

"San what happened!?"

San sat against the sofa, feeling too sick and too dizzy to sit up straight on his own. He took a couple of breathsm trying to recollect what happened before he blacked out.

"There really isn't much to say, right after Y/N left Mingi asked me to get him something from the kitchen and when I came back someone, I'm assuming Mingi, hit me with something in the back of the head. Next thing I know I'm waking up next to Jongho."

Seonghwa stood up, visibly stressed and irritated.

"Y/N I- I can't take this anymore. I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I wake up, go to sleep and go through the day stressed but I try to keep calm and be reasobale but I just can't anymore! I need to rest, I need time!" Jongho said.

His voice was shaky, his face was red and his eyes were desperate and tired. He had huge bags under his eyes, and he looked as if he wanted to cry, but was too tired to do so.

"I... I know. I know what you're feeling because I'm feeling it too, but the body is gone, and you know that if the body is found we'll all be questioned by the police and if he turns himself in he will also be questioned by the police and we both know that in either case they will be asking questions. The body is decomposing! They'll start asking why he didn't come right away, what happened between the murder and the confession, and it doesn't take much for Mingi to break! If he goes down he'll bring us with him!"

Your voice was unstable from crying, and you, just like every other person in the group, regretted helping Mingi. You should have stayed mad at him. You shouldn't have babied him and helped him cover up a murder. But it was too late, friendship and compassion won over you as if you were in a kid's cartoon where the power of friendship could overcome anything. But it didn't.

"Each of you get in one of my cars. We're splitting up and looking for him. Keys are in the ignition, let's go. The sooner we find him, the sooner it will all be over."

Seonghwa turned his back and started walking towards the garage, giving them no time to oppose themselves to the plan, or to complain at all.

Four motors roared in the garage as each of them left in their respective car to look around. He couldn't have gone very far, it had only been a couple hours and Mingi had no car and no money for a cab.

It was becoming increasingly hard for San to throw off Wooyoung. They had been spending a lot of time together and these past few days he had barely talked to the younger boy, making the latter suspicious that either San had gotten tired of him, or that he had found someone else. Either way Wooyoung was panicking and constantly blowing up San's phone, which was just the cherry on top. After the 10th ding sounded from his phone, San pulled over for a second and called Wooyoung.

"Heeey Woo." He said, trying to sound as sweet as possible.

"San what's happening? Please tell me if you're getting tired of me... Don't give me any hopes, because I really like you."

"What? No Wooyoung, I like you, like... a lot. Really. But I've just been busy with consoling Y/N, and there was a bunch of issues in some paperwork from my part-time job so I had to work on that as well, it's just been a very tiring couple of days, I'm sorry... Can I get back to you once I'm done? I need a little rest."

As far as Wooyoung knew you were still upset at Mingi.

"Alright fine, but I expect a nice homemade dinner once you're free."

"Of course baby."

San hung up with a sigh, relieved that he bought his excuses, and started the engine once more, resuming his search.

San was driving around the town, searching places with fewer people and hidden spots where rarely anybody went to. He ended up in a couple bad neighborhoods, which in retrospect it wasn't very smart since he was riding a Rolls Royce, but they hadn't been making good choices the past few days. Seonghwa headed back to the cabin where they had found the body, you searched every bridge and police station and Jongho went to his apartment.

It was minute 12 of driving around when you received a call. It was a group call with everyone involved.

"The body is back in the cabin. It's covered with all the leaves and shit we put here."

"Don't touch it, get out of there for now. I'm still trying to get to his house, anyone got anything?"

Jongho's question was met with a bunch of no's.

"Well I'm almost at his house and I can see- oh my God. I found him. I found him he's standing on a balcony and I think he's gonna jump everyone get here!"

Jongho hung up and you told Seonghwa the address. Thankfully you were close by and got there in no time. Jongho sprinted up the stairs and by the time you and San got to the house he was trying to talk Mingi out of it. Mingi was standing on the edge of his balcony, on the other side of the railing, but still holding onto it. Jongho was crying and begging Mingi to come to his senses and to come back inside, as he gripped his arm.

"It's no use Jongho, just let me go! This is not up to you!"

You and San got up to the balcony as well, trying to talk Mingi out of it.

"Mingi please! We'll get through this I'm begging you, we can't lose you too!" You yelled.

You wanted to stay composed but you couldn't help the tears streaming down your face. Even Jongho, who was usually very uncomfortable displaying his emotions, was crying and begging.

When Seonghwa got to the scene, he was terrified. He didn't know what to do, which was a common thing throughout the past few days, and it was killing him.

Everyone was pulling on Mingi's left side, trying to pull him up along with Jongho, so, without anyone noticing, he jumped outside the railing, and slowly walked towards Mingi without him noticing either.

Once he was close enough, he grabbed the man and pulled him up and over the railing, while holding himself stable with one hand on said railing.

However, Mingi's selfishness was bigger, and in the end, he showed that no matter what other people did for him, he was going to put himself first.

Mingi was mad, he thought his friends were being selfish and had no say in the matter, so while being saved, while going over the railing back into his house, he kicked it away with all the strength in his body, making him fall back.

Seonghwa, who was holding onto Mingi, failed to grip the railing harder and fell with Mingi, looking into your sad, panic-filled eyes as he fell to his death.

You bent over and watched the man you loved fall, in what felt like slow motion. His body hit the ground, and with an ugly cracking noise, Seonghwa's head split open.

You sprinted down the stairs, and once you got down to the ground people were circling the two men, taking pictures and gasping at the scene. You shoved away everybody in front of you so you could reach Seonghwa. His face was nearly intact, but the pool of blood surrounding his cracked skull told you there was no way he'd survive. His chest moved up and down quickly, for a couple of seconds, indicating the intense pain he was in.

"Seonghwa I'm sorry- I-I'm so sorry! Please... I love you..."

Just as the last three words left your mouth, you could see his lips twitch, before his chest stopped moving, before his eyes lost all of their color, before his body went limp in your hands. You stayed there, holding the face of the deceased man you once loved, your clothes soaking his blood and you cried out for forgiveness.

You didn't dare look at Mingi, but you sure hoped he was dead.

But he wasn't. And in the end. When the ambulance and the police came, they took Seonghwa to the morgue and Mingi to the hospital. Mingi ended up surviving after intense surgery, but not for long, because you would end up killing him.

"You don't get to live!" You told Mingi, as you stabbed gagged him and stabbed him over, and over, and over.

He died in a slow, agonizing way, just like you wanted him to. After all he put you, San, and Jongho through, after the sleepless nights, the constant stress, after staying the love of your life he still thought he'd get a second chance!?

You made sure he suffered, and you made sure he knew how much you hated him as you pierced your old, blunt, and rusty knife into his body.

San and Wooyoung ended up fleeing the country, and Jongho joined the military, both too afraid to face the reality and their past actions, seeking any refuge outside of their past lives. They did end up hearing about Mingi's death, and neither of them seemed to care. After everything, they just gave up on him completely.

You were arrested for Mingi's murder, but after confessing everything, and giving a couple touch-ups where you removed Seonghwa, Jongho, and San from the story, and after leading them to Yunho's body, the lawyer from your case pleaded not guilty, and blamed your acts on the heavy toll the incidents of helping your best friend, and the death of your lover, had taken on you, and the judge agreed that you should be under house arrest, with a government assigned professional that would assist you, take care of you, and report back to court.

Was that the end? Was that all there was to your life? That seemed to be the case... Sooner or later you'd end up joining Seonghwa however, you knew that much, you just hoped he was somewhere waiting for you.

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez mingi #ateez smut #ateez masterlist #ateez reader insert #ateez gender neutral #seonghwa #mingi #yunho #san #choi san #ateez choi san #seonghwa smut #seonghwa ateez smut #soenghwa scenario #seonghwa fluff #seonghwa angst #seonghwa ateez #mingi smut #mingi angst #mingi fluff #kpop #kpop smut #kpop fanfic

[hermankopusortizorsumshite]

Walsh

Final Part, PART THREE

Also, sorry this is so long. I just wanted to post the whole thing this weekend. So enjoy babes!

Warning: smut, violence, gore, breaking and entering, sarcasm. So much swearing. Mentions of Shane c*ck.

A/N: funny story, I've hated Shane since the Walking Dead aired originally because I thought he was cocky and I was like fourteen. Well, now I'm a 22yr old adult and GOOODDDAMMMN it, Jon Bernthal is a great, wonderful actor and so, so easy on the eyes.

@thewhitewolfownsme thanks for getting me hooked ;)

Kennedie gets up to look out the window, not one for hospitals, when she sees Walsh heading to his cruiser. She almost knocks, but she didn’t want to make it seem like she actually liked him.

“Where’s Walsh going?” She asks, looking to Rick. He shakes his head and scowls, he didn’t know either. Rick joins her, watching out the window as the horror unfolds before their eyes. A small, petite nurse jogs up to the car and he greets her with a hug and a kiss. He hands off something small, she can’t quite see it, but she can deduce by the way the woman wagged them at him and the way he smiled exactly what they were. Shane looks around to see if anyone saw them before he heads back inside.

“Rick, I don’t want him in here.” She whispers, tears falling down her face.

“I don’t blame you.” He assures, patting her shoulder she sits down. Rick heads out the door to meet Shane before he can get in the door. “You’re a liar too?” He growls as he pushes Shane back down the hallway.

“What?” He asks, his body getting chills.

“Go outside.” Rick orders, jabbing a finger at the door. Shane tries to go back to Kennedie’s room but Rick just grabs his collar and drags him out.

“Rick, what’s goin’ on?” He stammers.

“Tell me you didn’t respond right away because you were eating your lunch.” He seethes.

“I told you, when I was eating the keys fell between the seat.”

“It had nothing to do with little miss muffet and her little lace panties?” He asks, pointing to the cruiser. Shane’s eyes blast wide, nothing but whites as he takes a step back.

“Rick, I can explain-”

“Well you better, because you’ve got Kennedie up there so mad she’s crying.” He jabs a finger up to the window with the half-open curtain.

“Shit!” He shouts, slamming his fist into the hood. “Rick! I messed up once!” He cries, fists quaking at his sides. He paces back and forth in front of the cruiser until it’s black outside.

“Shane, go home.” Rick calls as he walks down the lot to their car.

“I can’t, Rick.” He huffs, sitting on the hood.

“She doesn’t want to see you.” Rick shoots into the night.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna see her. When I got there, she was laying in a pool of her own blood, Rick. I’ve seen dead bodies and I’ve seen a lot of blood, but that made me sick. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t help her. I--I fucked up.” He cries, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

“Yeah, you fucked up, Shane. Unfortunately, I can’t fix this fuck up. She hates you.” He breathes a shaky breath out watching Rick leave. As the lights leave the street, Shane heads inside and slips into her room just to see her, to make her real.

“Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. The only thing that lives in Shane Walsh’s mind. Even when someone is breaking into his best friend’s house, pussy. That must be the way to live, huh? Why don’t you worship me like that? Huh? The way you worship the pussy? I wasn’t even worth a ‘sorry I gotta go’.” She throws her stress ball at him, hitting him upside the head.

“Kennie, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, comes out smooth to me. Didn’t come out at all to nurse Panties.” She hisses, rolling away from him.

“So we’re back to this? The insults and anger?” He asks. She jerks into a sitting position and looks at him with a wild look in her eyes.

“Yes Walsh! We’re back to square one because I trusted you! And you were too busy getting laid in a hospital parking lot to respond to a burglary at Rick’s! So yes! We’re back to the beginning! I trusted you because you said you really weren’t that bad and here we are in a hospital because you couldn’t keep that precious Shane cock to yourself. You gotta share that shit with everybody!” She screams, Shane just stands there and takes it. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to leave.

“Listen, I’m sorr-”

“I don’t want to hear another fake apology come from those stupid lips! Get out Walsh!” She cries, tears pouring down her face.

“Kennedie please don’t make me go.” He whispers, his bottom lip quaking.

“I don’t want you here! Hell, maybe I’ll get lucky and you and nurse panties’ll be fucking on the empty bed there! Wouldn’t that be a goddamn sight!” She roars, kicking her feet.

“Kennedie, I-”

“Quit saying sorry, Walsh. Get out.”

“Please don’t make me-”

“Like you made me trust you and fall in love with you to find out you’re still the same womanizing dickbag you’ve always been? No. You made me. So get out. I swear to god I’ll call security.” She threatens, grabbing her call button.

“Fall in love with me?” He asks, breath hitching in his throat again, that familiar burning sensation in his throat.

“Does it matter now?” She asks, rising to her feet and walking passed him to open the door. “Leave please.” He faces her and sits in the chair.

“I can’t leave.”

“You can and you will.” She grabs her phone and calls Rick. “Please just make him leave. I-I need him gone. I don’t want to call security and make a scene, but dammit he won’t leave. She sits on the edge of her bed crying, sobbing uncontrollably. How dare he make her fall in love with his stupid smile, and those stupid pools of dark chocolate, and that stupid fluffy hair. He stands in the corner by the door, unable to get any closer, but he just looms, watching her cry.

“Shane?” Rick coos, heading into the room. He finds the large man standing in the corner, a terrified look on his face. “C’mon buddy. We gotta go.” He grabs the other man’s elbow and pulls him towards the door. Digging in his heels, Rick hears a small whisper.

“Please don’t. When I leave, all I see her laying in that pool of blood, Rick. I can’t.” He cries, trying to go back.

“Shane, she doesn’t want you in there so you gotta go. You gotta leave.” He pulls Shane from the room. Her strangled sobs mangle his emotions and he steps into the hallway to breathe. Rick’s hand finds his shoulder. “Shane, it’s okay.”

“It’s all my fault. I went by at eight every day but today. Every other day. I checked four times a day just to be sure.” He begs, trying to make it make sense.

“Shane, they got the guys okay?”

“They did?”

“Yeah.”

“Rick. I’m in love with her, Rick. I’ve been in love this whole time. I was excited about cold pizza and movie night. I made breakfast. I took Carl to school. I was nice.” He stammers, listing off everything he did right.

“I know, Shane. But she’s mad at you right now, okay?” Rick tries to reason with this grown man the way he’d reason with his five year old son.

“Kennie?” Lori’s soft voice breaks through her sobbing. She looks up, swiping away the tears and sniffling. “Shane is pretty beat up over you.” She smiles gently, a hand on her best friend’s knee.

“I bet. So am I.” She cries, letting Lori hug her tightly.

“He fucked up, he knows that.” Lori tries to reason with her, but when she realizes what she’s trying to do, she sits up and frowns.

“No no. Don’t you dare try to stand up for him. He did this to himself. And unlike everyone this man child has ever met, I’m not giving into him that easy. He made his bed, let him lay in it a while.” She retorts, rolling her eyes.

“Listen, I know you’re mad at him. I get it, but Shane isn’t good when he’s mad like this. He starts to drink and make bad choices.”

“And who’s fault is that? Mine? I should just cast aside my anger because Shane might get drunk and pass out? He’s a grown man, Lori! He’s not your child!” She shouts, shaking her head in disbelief.

“I know that. I’m just asking you to --”

“To forgive him for getting pussy instead of answering a call to your house, where your son was, and where I was shot. I’m sorry Lori, I don’t know what kind of hold the Shane dick has on you too, but I’m forgiving him yet.” Lori’s hand smacks across Kennedie’s face before she can stop herself.

“I would never-”

“Oh shut it! I’ve seen the way you look at him sometimes, like he’s a fresh piece of steak. I see it. You two probably had some fling before you and Rick got married and now the Shane dick has the almighty power over you.” Kennedie rolls her eyes as Lori stands and stomps out. Kennedie just laughs. Lori would ruin twenty years of friendship over her husband’s best friend’s dick.

“Rick. Let’s go. Shane, get up and leave. You’re being a child.” She hisses, grabbing Rick’s arm and storming for the door.

“What happened?” He asks, looking to Lori with confused eyes.

“I slept with Shane ten years ago, before you ever thought about dating me. Okay? Please don’t be mad. Anyway, I was trying to talk to Kennie about forgiving him but she won’t.” She huffs, getting it all out in one breath.

“Because Shane was fucking a woman in the backseat of the cruiser when he should’ve been responding to a burglary at your house where your son was. Your best friend was shot. And you think she should just forgive him? He fucked up, Lori. He messed up. I know you like to see the best in everyone, but Shane really needs to reevaluate, hunny.” He offers, explaining to her. “And I’m not mad, it was ten years ago.” He chuckles.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She heads back into the room and looks to see Kennedie getting up and dressed. “I’m sorry.” Lori calls from the door.

“It’s fine. I didn’t mean what I said to you, but I’m not forgiving Walsh. So if that’s what you’re here for, I don’t have anything to say.” She pulls on her jeans and Walsh’s tee shirt that she’d stolen at a party long ago.

“I know. You don’t have to forgive him, but please forgive me.” She asks, sitting next to her and hugging her.

“I could never stay mad at you.” Kennedie chuckles, hugging back. “The doc let me go, so. I guess I’m outta here.” She pats her knees as she rises and heads out the door.

“Let me drive you home.” Shane begs, grabbing at her hand.

“Let you drive me anywhere? No. Fuck you. I actually never wanna see you again. So.” She shoves him away and walks out the door.

“You can ride home with us. Your car is still in the driveway.” Lori calls as Shane gets into the cruiser. He follows them to Rick’s. Rick gets out and gives Shane a confused look.

“Walsh, go home.” She bites, throwing a fist at him. “Oh my god, Lori. I gotta clean the blood off the floor.” She calls, jogging inside.

“No no, we had cleaners come in hunny.” Lori chuckles, hugging her tight before they go in the house. It was spotless, like nothing happened.

“Wow.” She whispers, taking in the memories of the weekend.

“Tell me something though. Were you and Walsh really hanging out and like, not hating each other?” Rick asks as she grabs her bag.

“Yeah, kinda. He was almost nice.”

“Aunt Kennie says uncle Shane is a woman fighter.” Carl states from the edge of the hallway. Walking tiredly to Lori, he gets up on the counter. “Uncle Shane came and made breakfast one morning. He even spanked aunt Kennie, but she spanked him back. Then they both had white on their butts.” Carl gives a sleepy little smile. “Uncle Shane came back for pizza and they laid on the couch like you do with daddy.” He points to Rick and she feels her cheeks flame.

“I thought you were sleeping you little stinker.” She laughs, tickling him as he erupts into giggles.

“Did you know all my other friends have aunts and uncles who are married. How come you and uncle Shane aren’t married?” He asks, yawning and curling against Lori. She looks ove her son expectantly with a smirk.

“It just wasn’t meant to be little dude.” She smiles sadly, patting his shoulder.

A month goes by without so much as a sound from Walsh. As she’s walking to his apartment, she hears a thump and opens the door to find Shane laying on the floor.

“Wow, look what the cat dragged in.” He gives a drunken whisper as he tries to stand up.

“Yeah, lookie there.” She coos, smiling sadly at him.

“You-look--” He covers his mouth a moment before he sucks in a breath and vomits on the hardwood floor.

“Not as good as you.” She laughs, pulling him up off the floor and getting him into a shower. Tugging off his black tee shirt and his jeans, taking a deep breath before pushing him under the water. “C’mon Walsh, stand up.” She coos, trying to help him. Finishing his shower, she gets him walked to his bed and laid down, tugging off his sopping wet underwear and putting on basketball shorts. He’s snoring soundly when she steps out of the room. Her eyes land on the pizza boxes and beer cans like a frat party had been tossed there in his living room.

“Christ, Walsh.” She whispers, folding up all the boxes and stuffing them into a bag, shoving all the bottles and cans into another. Tidying up the couch, she even vacuums the floor for him. Hearing a groan, she looks up to see Shane standing in the doorway, staring at her with the most bewildered expression.

“Ken?” He asks taking a step into the living room to find it clean. “Kennedie, what are you doing here?” He asks, stepping a little closer.

“You called me and told me you had the perfect idea for Carl’s birthday. And when I got here, you were on the floor drunk. I showered you, not fun.” She snorts, scrubbing the couple of dishes in the sink.

“Did you put these shorts on me?” He asks, raising a brow.

“Yes.” She nods, heading for the door. She turns on one foot daintily and gives him a smirk. Eyes dropping to his crotch and back up, “and I really don’t understand the hype. It’s not that big.” He just laughs, leaning against the hallway wall.

“Bah, you’ll sing a different tune someday.” He crows, wagging a finger at her.

“Shut up, Walsh.” She chuckles, grabbing the handle and heading outside.

“Hey, slow up a minute.” He coos, heading towards her. Cornering her against the door, he leans in, his breath warm against her face.

“Walsh, what are you doing?” She asks, looking up at him through her lashes, her cheeks flushing red.

“Ssh ssh ssh.” He hushes, putting a thick finger against her lips. Instinctively her tongue swipes against her lips and his finger.

“Shane.” She whispers, careful where she put her hands. Planting them on his chest was the wrong move. He leans his weight against her now, her hands pressed into his chest.

“Sweet girl, I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you.” He whispers, getting so close to her lips his ghost across hers.

“Walsh, I need you to take a step back.” She whispers, pushing him gently away.

“Why? Can’t you see that I’m in love with you?” He asks, looking to her with glossy, dark brown orbs.

“Because you are still drunk and tomorrow you’ll have that cock slamming into some other whore, so I’m sorry Walsh, but your drunk ass is not kissing me.” She steps out and shuts the door. Leaning against the cool wood door to breathe, she hears a thump behind her.

“I love you sober.” He whispers, sending chills down her back.

Carl’s birthday party was at one, and she was there at eleven with the cake. When she got there, Shane’s Jeep was parked in her spot. Typical Walsh.

“Walsh! Your Jeep is in my spot!” She shouts, seeing Shane’s curly top poke above the sofa. He jumps to his feet and her breath hitches in her throat. His sheer size and chest width made her heart patter, but the button up half buttoned and the denim clad thighs. The silver necklace around his neck placed perfectly against his chest.

“What’s the matter?” Shane asks, looking at her and winking.

“N-nothing. Walsh, can you help me?” She points over her shoulder toward the door. His smirk is sexy and sweet, her eyes drinking him in as he saunters out the door. “The uh, the cake-here.” She slips between him and the door of her honda pulls it out. Carefully handing it off to him as her arms start to shake.

“This all you needed?” He asks, eyes drifting to her as he tries to hide a smile. His eyes drink her in; that yellow floral sundress riding high on her thighs, the sandals on her feet, her curls falling over her shoulder.

“Yeah, of course it is. Thank you. At least you’re good for something.” She chides.

“Better be careful, lady! I’ll drop this cake!” He threatens, calculating a wobble in his step.

“Walsh, if you drop that I promise you I will drop you.” She giggles, pulling open the door.

“Ooh, do it baby. I wanna see you try.” He chuckles, daring her to do it. Sitting the cake on the counter, she heads out to her car to get Carl’s gift. Shane follows her out this time, his hand slips down and grabs her ass, gripping tight.

“Shane!” She jumps, holding her breath.

“What baby? You don’t like that? Sh, I know you do. I love you. And I meant that shit. I can’t explain to you how it felt to kneel in your blood and hold you, not knowing what to do.” He whispers, shivering at the trauma.

“Shane Walsh. Stop it.” He leans her into her car and presses his lips firmly, sweetly, promisingly against hers.

“Just say it. You were right.”

“Aw thank you Walsh, I knew I was right.” He pushes her into Rick and Lori’s garage, pulling the door shut behind them. He drives her against the wall, lips soft and sensual against hers as he holds her against him.

“I saw how you were looking at me earlier. You wanted me.” He huffs into her ear as he lets her hands drift across the bare part of his chest.

“Yeah. No shit. I think you're hot.” She stammers, yanking at Shane’s shirt.

“That’s a first.” He coos, wriggling his knee between her legs. “I think you’re hot. Sometimes when I bang other women, I think of you.” She’s taken aback for a moment before she just laughs.

“Shane, shut up.” She grinds through her teeth as she hooks her arms around his neck and tugs his lips to her neck. His lips go to work and her hands massage his bare shoulders. Shane gets them into a spot between the shelves and totes where they couldn’t be seen and he lets her scoop up her skirt and he grabs her panties. When he pulls them down he chuckles, the same black panties he’d teased her about.

“Goddamn you are beautiful.” He hushes as he leaves open-mouthed kisses across her exposed collarbone and up her neck. He stops on her lips, pressing a hot, delicious kiss there.

“Shane. Will you please do your job and fuck me?” She nips through shivers as he takes his time. Her fingers fumble with the belt and she undoes his jeans in record time. Sliding into her, he takes his time to get comfortable firsrt, before his thrusts are fast and hard, a hand covering her mouth because currently there were about twelve little kids inside screaming. “Shane. Shane please.” She whines softly, gripping his hair as he drives up into her, legs quaking as she reaches her orgasm, she grips his ebony locks so tight his scalp starts to tingle, but he likes it. Ramming into her as she clenches and spasms around him, making his heart slam hard into his chest before he sinks into her once more, spilling his hot seed in her. Slipping out with a soft groan, he tucks himself away and tugs . his shirt back on, buttoning it up like before. Half open shirt, necklace hanging around his neck and his heart still pounding, he looks to her to find her still leaned against the wall, eyes closed and breathing heavily. Leaning forward, he grabs her waist and pulls her against him. Gingerly pulling up her panties, he pulls a dark blue hankerchief from his pocket and wipes his seed from the inside of her legs before pulling her panties on the rest of the way. Her arms around his neck, he stuffs the kerchief back in his pocket and starts to hum, swaying with her.

“I do love you.” He coos in her ear, his wide hands splaying to cover almost her whole lower back.

“I love you too, Walsh.” She giggles, softly sighing as she sifts her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Will you quit calling me Walsh? At some point, when we’re married, people will think it’s weird if you’re still calling me Walsh, and not Shane. Or hunny. Hunny works, or baby. But not Walsh.”

“Hey Shane? Get used to it. It’s hard to even call you Shane. I just wanna throw insults at you but it seems wrong now, cause like Walsh dick really is that good.” She laughs, letting him kiss her face; her cheeks, her nose, her lips, and her favorite, he places the gentlest kiss on her forehead and adjusts her dress before he checks his watch.

“It’s twelve-fifteen, baby.” He whispers, sending chills down her back.

“Goddamn it, Walsh. You truly gotta ruin everything.” She whines heading back into the the house through the back door that leads into the kitchen. Lori’s eyes meet hers with a knowing grin as she hands Kennedie some plates and a basket of silverware. Screeching kids come flying into the kitchen in party hats and swimming trunks all kinds of different colors.

“Carl! Not the kitchen!” Lori yells as she grabs a bowl of pasta salad.

“Sorry mom!” He shouts, racing into the living room. Shane’s hand grips her ass as she walks passed the grill with her hands full and she gasps, eyes burning into him as he grins and he and Rick laugh.

“Those two are trouble.” She huffs to Lori as she sees her best friend chuckle with the men. “You too?” She asks incredilously, staring at Lori as though she’d been betrayed.

“Hey Lori! I’m just dropping off Gavin!” A sweet, high pitched voice calls. As she looks to see who it is, Shane stiffens and holds his breath. “Hi Shane.” She coos, giving him a sultry wave. He nods back and wraps his arms around her waist.

“Let it go. I love you.” He whispers into her ear as he holds tight to her, his lips pressing into her neck.

“Shut it, Walsh.” She nips, slipping from his grip and stepping into the house to breathe. He follows closely behind, stepping in with her and leaning her against the door.

“I love you, don’t you get that?” He coos, thumb smoothing her cheek.

“I just--it feels surreal, Shane.” She whispers, letting him pull her against his chest.

“Listen to me, baby. I love you. The minute you shot back at me with insults I was done for. It was infuriating, it was beautiful. And you packed me lunch like some kind of domestic, sweet little house wife, and don’t take offense to that, but I loved it. Every minute. I was the proudest man in King County to go to work with your pink lunch box in the passenger seat of the cruiser. I wanna marry you. I wanna marry you and--and--get old with you. I love you, you fiesty lil thing.” Tears fall down her face as she grips his face and kisses his lips warmly and happily.

“I love you, Shane. I love you so much.” She coos, hugging his neck.

#shane walsh x oc #shane walsh #shane walsh fanfiction #walking dead #the walking dead #pre apocalypse #shane walsh pre apocalypse #shane walsh slowburn #shane walsh angst #jesus christ shane #sweet jesus tell me how to get these tags without typing all of them everytime. #shane walsh twd

[dalasteller]

shadow and bone spoilers! malina/mal fans this is not for you but it’s not pro-darklina either. i’m an alina x alina supremacist

so, somehow, the show made me like book!malina more than show!malina after weeks of thinking the opposite would be true. i don’t even like book!mal/malina, but my neutrality towards them is nothing compared to how much i detested show!malina.

I WANTED THE TV SHOW TO MAKE ME LOVE THEM. the trailers made me think i would!!! i'd heard screeners and reviewers talk about this epic love story that transcends everything—these two people who would do anything for each other—and i don't disagree, they definitely would. i just wish they would shut the fuck up about it.

sorry.

looking back, i'd rather the show gave us mal with flaws, who wasn't perfect to alina, who would die for her, but still said the wrong thing and flirted with other girls and was afraid of her power at first. archie did a great job. he just couldn't make me love mal, and neither could the writers opting to make him main character no. 2 and alina’s prince in shining armour who supports her endlessly and has never done anything wrong in his life ever. writers, please, why did you think that was a good idea? when i said i wanted a more likeable mal, i meant i wanted his flaws accompanied by positive traits, by compelling backstory, by personality outside of being alina's hot best friend who never noticed her. i didn't mean i wanted a guy who could be wrapped in a gift box and sold as a robo-boyfriend designed for romance.

no, i mean, they really did write him that way.

what i definitely didn't mean i wanted was over an hour of the show dedicated to watching mal’s perspective of hunting the stag and making besties with his military bros and writing letters to alina and getting shot at a bunch of times instead of letting the book characters who were already beloved by fans get the screentime they deserved. what i wouldn't do to have gotten more genyalina and well-written zoya instead of mal dissecting deer shit...

you would think with how much talk about malina basically being soulmates, childhood flashbacks, fighting and nearly dying for each other at least four times (and did i mention more narration about being soulmates?) that i would take the bait and just let malina set sail. but this show held me at gunpoint for eight hours straight and told me that these two are going to have the same cultural influence as new romeo and juliet and that if i disagree i am going to be killed on the spot. because of this, i have now died.

don't tell me what to do, narrative, because i'm not going to do it!

i am also annoyed that they took the time to redesign mal in perfect childhood-friends-to-lovers dreamboat fashion but refused to retcon zoya's stupid misogyny-fueled bitchy YA girl arc and instead made it even worse by having her be racist to alina? what was the thought process there? they seriously fucked her over. i tried to pretend it didn't happen moving forward but why do they want to use racism as a tool for developing a "bully" character anyway, especially a woc? am i meant to forget about it? they lost me there. i feel like the female characters, with the exception of inej, generally weren't given the same care the male characters were. there was a lot of sidelining in favour of mal's redemptive rewrite and the darkling's 15 minutes of half-assed backstory and crying in every scene for some reason. “make me your villain” .... okay, simpboy, i’ll try my best.

i've already talked about why i hated mal's role (i clarify his role, not his character, because there was literally nothing wrong with him and that’s why i hated him so much) but i'm going to address it from the perspective of my love for alina and why i think this decision was so disrespectful to her. alina in the books was already in need of more characterization, time for herself and her internal development as opposed to her relationship with the three male love interests she acquires through the series. somehow this show took a main character already underused in her own story (though at least the books are told from her pov) and neglected her even further. alina is tied almost entirely to her male counterparts, mal especially, but i'd say the darkling is used as a narrative rebound. i think they both have chemistry and can serve a purpose in the story but the emphasis on codependency is impossible to ignore.

in the first four episodes, every scene that could have been alina struggling to settle into a new life and dealing with the emotional weight of her pressure as a saint was instead about mal. she writes him letters, and cries over him, and slips him into conversations that have nothing to do with him, and gets sad after slipping him into conversations that have nothing to do with him, and can't use her power because she's thinking of him, and then only decides to fully accept her power because of his absence.

alina's feelings are lended to nothing but her missing mal. he isn't just her best friend and love, he's this colossal piece of her identity that she doesn't get to exist without, even when he's gone. the show's exhaustive attempt to make mal loveable and make malina an epic love story turns our female protagonist into a sulking, miserable shell of a character everytime he's mentioned, which, by the way, is like, every two minutes. and apparently it's necessary to draw parallels to the same three flashbacks in all of them. i knoowwwwwwww, they held hands and now they can't anymore, i knowwww. they ran through a meadow, i knowwwwwwwwwwwwww.

watching her scenes almost drove me to printing out a bechdel test and ticking off as many boxes as possible.

i hated it. it made me sad.

i wanted more alina. i want her power to be her own. i wanted that tension between her and mal in the books because his flaws gave her a chance to stand up for herself and say that she liked being powerful. that summoning is a part of her and she would never give it up. that there was a tinge of corruption, of greed, of wanting to be the sun summoner, and it was intriguing! mal's issue of not accepting alina's power allowed her to express how much it meant to her. i wanted the alina who said "the night was velvety black and strewn with jewels. the hunger struck me suddenly. i want them, i thought." i wanted a hint of the sun summoner who decided when it got dark and relished in it (yes i know this can be expanded upon in s2). alina has a cocky side, her insecurities are explored and she finds strength in her new gift and eventually has to find strength outside of it, but in the show the catalyst to her powers is mal. always. is it romantic? sure. but it's hard to enjoy the romance when all we see of alina is her romantic connection to mal. can't she be more than that?

#anti malina #i dont use tumblr and i hate discourse so just block if this take bothers you because i can’t be asked to engage in an argument on here #sab spoilers #shadow and bone #shadow and bone spoilers #tgt #alina starkov #anti malyen oretsev

[firelonewolf]

Hopelessly Bound

Summary: gaining the key to intimacy with Homelander is still going on. But more problems arise while you try to achieve the final goal.

Pairing: Homelander x CIA!Supe!Reader

Sequel to: Barrier

A/N: @darkmalice00 is the one to thank for this second part! I tried my hardest to get it to match the first one. Hope you like it!

Pushing your back against a couch you smelt the sweet smell of black tea with lemon juice. You only added a little bit of sugar, but it mostly had citric acid in it. Candle scented vanilla cookies took the place it was soothing, reminded you of being at grandma's. Heavy footsteps came before Mallory took a seat across from you. Stiring up her tea before sitting back and taking a sip. "Mission report," she commands to you. Taking sip of the naturally sweetened black tea you sat it down.

Inhaling before handing your hand out to her. She takes it with her slightly warm hands touching your upper arm. You shut your eyes and began to show everything. Relationships developed, what you saw in Homelander's mind, what you've heard. Everything centered around Vought.

But the hard part of memory sharing was the showing your mind walk. Mind walking hurt but combining it with memory share hurt even more. Flashes of the entire thing was taking energy out of you. At the final scene of it of Homelander submitting you pulled away. Gripping your head at the use of two powers at once, and yelped feeling blood tickle down your nose again.

Grace touched her head feeling half drained from that. "My goodness, I don't know how you can do it" she comments to you. Before pushing yourself back and wiping your nose. "My head throbbing at that. Do you want some aspirin?" She inquires to you heading over to get some. You shook your head at that. "Sometimes I forget how powerful you are. I've never met anyone with your abilities." She comments taking out the pills and popping two in.

Than sighed enduring your throbbing head. Felt like someone was squeezing it from the inside to the outside. It sucks for how much it hurts. "I usually drink a bit before it. Most of time I have some tequila beforehand. Numbs the pain, but I thought I could handle it without it." You remark with a sigh bringing your feet on to the couch and gazing down than felt a yawn.

Mallory sits back down doing the same. Sort of weird seeing her not in suits. Ever since her retirement things she switched from her suits to more comfortable clothes. Especially since she's been bird watching. "Good job, (Y/N), you gained access to his trust. Can you estimate when you can have the mind link with him?" She inquires taking a sip of her tea.

"Perhaps in a few weeks," you remark back.

"Good, I'll notify Butcher of the progress." She replies back to you. Boy, was this entire situation messy and like walking on egg shells. Mallory notices you face before sitting more forward at you. "This we've been waiting for. The official mission, I need you to remember (Y/L/N) you can't let them defeat you. You have a big heart, a good one. But I need you to remember, Homelander is a murder. You're helping the world by helping us take down this monster. Okay?" She inquires to you. Silently you nod at this. You had to remember this, and live by each of these words.

___

Bonding with Homelander was hard. It start out as simple things. Small talk evolved to more things. Than it evolved to joking and endless smiles. Than it just turned into an actual friendship sort of bond. Things were transforming rapidly at it was easier to access things with him, but harder. A sense of guilt sometimes overtook you at this entire scheme.

Each time you had to yell at yourself, he is a monster. Lab experiment that escaped, it still doesn't justify what he's damaged. How could it? People have died from his selfishness. None of his issues can excuse what hes become. He had a choice, and made it.

But soon enough it became different at the same time. Lingering long glances than that one time you said goodbye, sure it was a static shock but you felt it physically when you both realized your hands were stuck. But you couldn't let these advances affect you. Denying them was refusing the forbidden fruit and you knew that. Your like a black widow, but less epic, and didn't kill your spouse.

Your CIA training was rough, especially from your test. Thay made sure to throw anything rough at you, they made sure to give you the hardheaded attitude to withstand everything. They expected more from you because of the abilities, even going as far as to making you learn how to escape from a lot of things. The CIA and Mallory considered you climbing the ranks as soon as you graduated the academies. Your abitlies aided and they actually considered you intelligent in your very own way. Your scores with CIA test amazed them each time, and especially the physical test. A test with your power they had you create a mental link. Like always, they were blown away when you managed to do it successfully. Than came your first mind walk experience with a classified psychopath.

It was recorded, but what ended up happening you panicked. From all the darkness and the entirety of the fact inside of their head was a cyclone. But what they wanted you was to calm the psycho down for another case. You managed, but not without screeching like a banshee your head off and making the psycho as well. You ended up somehow breaking all the glass in a proximity.

Not that you had a sonic scream, no one had an explanation of what happened. Neither did you, but it happened and that was it. Binding almost made you rise to that level multiple times. You've only had that happened once, and it almost tore your entire vocals, ruining them. That would've made you voiceless, Mallory said once they would've codenamed you as Hush or something that meant voiceless. But little did you know it came to today.

Like any day, the Seven were out on a mission. Leaving you to do your normal task which meant digging for information. Until you saw from a nearby window people scrambling out of the place. Immediately your heart almost dropped to a deadly point, a cold sweat overtook you. Sprinting to the camera room, you saw lying on one of the floors was a the dead security. "Shit!" You hissed to yourself. Tapping your fingers rapidly you began to search through the cameras. Your eyes landed on a shooter. Everyone was either escaping or hiding. Until you spotted three hostages, "double shit." You hissed and began to search for any weapon. Outside of the office your eyes landed on a fire axe. "Screw my life apparently," you growled before taking it out.

Sprinting down multiple flights of stairs didn't make you break a sweat. CIA almost make you run until you vomit and keep going. Stealthy you began to make your way where you last saw the hostages. The Seven weren't here, and not everyone had the guts to fight. But you could rescue these civilians from a sick person despite them work for them.

But this reminded of you of one mission on a plane. Three of your teams were hostages, and you and another had to save them. But that missioned ended with you falling in the ocean, you were saved though by someone. But when they found you were halfway dead.

Not this time though. You planned on making it out alive and not near death. But fate wasn't the kindest person out there, was it? Than came where the Seven were done with there job, but to there surprised by Ashley, Vought International was under attack. Some crazed shooter blaming Vought came. Than came the recent call of them alerting you were fighting the shooter.

Somehow a screech of the person was muffled in the background. The minute they all heard your name, they all felt the world stop for a moment. Compared to Homelander, he felt the universe freeze for a brief moment. You were a fighter. But apparently the most selfless person in that place. And you were close to death.

Entirety of the whole situation changed in that exact moment. But everything turned inaudible as she talked about how Stillwell fine and most employees are okay, but that didn't matter. You were endanger and yet still decided to face it to save others instead yourself. As he began to march away he ignored how everyone began to pasture questions at him.

He ignored all of them before blasting off in the air. When he got closet enough to hear a screech of pain to where he felt a force launch him back somewhat. Glass broke on three different floors broke into billions of pieces. Landing in the moment he saw a bullet blasted in your left ribcage.

Weakly with blood pouring on your shirt you stumbled in shock before collapsing. On your face was blood pouring out like a river. Sweat and bags forming on your eyes. With your ears ringing from the damage you've caused with the mind walk, you lied defeated. The shooter cried than spotted Homelander who was in pure furious. What was scarier was the point he was thinking of nothing.

As if he was replaying the whole thing is his mind silently or was acting on wrath. In a millisecond you saw him take the throat of the shooter in his hand, and than laser eyes out. You saw the red beams break through the back of the guy's skull.

For a monster, he was very emotional. Drowsy greeted you, you wanted to shut your eyes in the brief moment. Homelander rushed over in a blink of an eye. For a moment you felt a sharp heat above the wound, as you passed out.

___

Paralyzed for a moment you felt awake. Were you in your astral projection form? Than forced yourself to shit, you felt weight. Nope, you were in your body still. Opening your eyes you forced yourself up. Around you was a four walled hospital room. With a bathroom on the side of it with a counter. You thought you were alone, than saw Homelander. Passed out on a chair by it. What time was it?

Seeing your clothes on a chair next to you, you felt almost stiff while starting to wake up your entire body. Grabbing your phone you turned the screen on, than saw it was nearly 6:30 and its been a day and a half. Than placed it back down to glance back at Homelander. He stayed? On a separate table on the other side was flowers.

Than a shark plush, immediately you smirked to yourself, that was the Deep's gift. So distinct compare to everyone else. Well, except Noirs. He put a card and a green tea latte mix with a new mug. Than Starlight's popped out, it was a cute card with a cartoon! But your gaze went back to the unconcious Homelander.

He stayed? Why? Did he actually care? Was he on to you? Was saving you for his benefit to find out who you actually were? Would he kill you after saving you? Or did he figure it out and plan on punishing you by forcing something out of you?

Debating within yourself you had to wonder. Did he genuinely care for you at this point? Was he more human now? As much as you wondered, you came to a conclusion. Both of you were the same at the end of the day. Lost, and eternally dark inside and hiding in the shadows. Difference was that you weren't a sociopath, you were just afraid of yourself and tried to do right.

Were you mad? Insane for caring and sympathizing with a sociopath? Why did you have to feel this way? Part of you wanted to shout for help to save you from loving a monster, but the other half felt scared for him. Could you save him? Could you actually save him from himself before it kills him?

All these raced before you. Than snapped at the sudden voice you heard. Your hair swayed as your head turned to the right. Part of it in your face at the sudden awaked Homelander. "Your awake" he yawned sitting himself up and stretching. "Its been a day and half. They took the bullet out. You surgery didn't take long thankfully, I was worried."

The last part made your heart swell. Why? You wanted to claw yourself apart, why was this happening? You were sinking down to him. This a disaster, and you liked it. Felt like a rush of adrenaline and freeing. You couldn't have whatever this is with him. You've never wanted something so bad, and you hated it. "You stayed here for me?"

His blue eyes flickered to you, your heart felt slightly warmed. "Yeah, I did." He said lowly to you sort of inching closer. This felt like magic. Why did it have to?

"Why?" You inquired awaiting his answer. You didn't use telepathy to hear his thoughts. You listened to his voice instead of his head.

He paused for a moment peering down at his hand before his gaze switched to you. "Because I was terrified." He states, for a moment you searched for a lie. But you couldn't help but feel yourself leaning in. "I was... scared for you."

"I'm okay now, no need to worry anymore." Warm, you felt a warm compare to his cold touch of his lips. He was so cool, you couldn't help passionately kiss him. Felt like magnets, magnetism of a force pulling you together. You loved how it felt as if water and fire came together.

Different forces of nature that are oil and water. And you loved it, just like how you felt with him at the moment. Not that it wasn't meant to be, well it sort of was. But you were seeing a different side of him from the cameras and the Boys. This humanity was hidden in him, no matter how much he tried to kill it. Brief moments he embraced it, and it was a different energy that was intoxicating. It was poison.

His venom was like a drug. But you wanted to escape the high but wanted to enjoy it. You couldn't help it though, as your heart swelled of how he made you feel. How he genuinely cared for you like a normal person. Half of you hissed how he wasn't normal though.

At that realization you wanted to cry, but refused the emotion. Hearing him laugh made you laugh in the moment as well, before kissing him again. This emotion inside of you that yearned for him was so addicting. Taking his upper arm to pull him closer, than felt a tether almost force.

Tether that was so tough like fiber strength. In that moment you blinked to feel a cool breeze than blinked your eyes open. In the moment you felt Homelander arm still in your grip. Than noticed the attire changed for both of you. Both of you pulled apart to see your world before.

On a cliff of bright green grass with mountain flowers everywhere. Sunshine that radiated warm all around. It was comforting but abive you was a lilac trees bloomed purple flowers. Pedals hitting you on your head. Near it down the cliff was a heliotropes. Both of you glanced around the place realizing where you were. "What the?" You hear Homelander say. "Where are we? Can you teleport?"

You shook your head at pure shellshock of what was happening. "I can mind walk.." you say lowly. "Mind walk, I think both of our minds clashed together. This has never happened..." you state. As he pulled from you than you saw.

He wore a black version of his suit with only white on it somewhat. Than you had a white sundress with red floral prints on it. "Its beautiful here..." he responds turning to you. Warmly you smiled surprised of how he was taking it. "Your mind alerting," he comments. Electricity was in his eyes perhaps from the intensity of both of your emotions? "Your incredible" he says pulling you back into one. Before feeling heart in a sharp pain the moment. For something that feels so right, it so painful, why? "I think I love you." John says in that moment pressing his temple against yours. Light tears came down your face that he didn't notice.

Sucking in a breath to gain to courage. Despite feeling all the butterflies in your stomach. "I think I love you too." You remark in a whisper.

___

Marching to Mallory's place after you were discharged from the hospital was so emotional for you. Crying you explained to her the entire situation. You showed her through your memory of everything. How he saved you, how he stayed by you. How he submitted to you. She congratulated on the mission complete on mind linking, now you have a official bond with Homelander. But to her shock, it deeper now that your both in love. You wasted no time quitting, and packing everything in your apartment. Luckily there wasn't much.

Your new mission was here. Stay with Billy Butcher and help them take the supes down. Much to how your heart ached at how you had to disappear from the face of the Earth. Despite only have Starlight left of the Seven no matter how much you'll miss the rest. They were broken people, in a broken place. Mainly Homelander.

Mallory cooked up a excuse to leave, one without you having to die. As you unpacked a couple of your things in a pair of a red wine colored tank top with a pair of black cargo pants. Billy sat on his couch contemplating why Mallory commanded him to let you stay with him. He pastured you with questions before the entire thing.

Yet you and Mallory agreed not to tell him why the mission was complete and what happened in between. Butcher would kill you, you had to keep it a secret. His thoughts were so loud compare to him vocally. Submitting and telling him the truth was hard, but you have to hide it from him.

Much to his dismay of knowing there was more to it than just a simple mission complete. But as you unpacked you couldn't help but have your heartache at thought of John. How he kissed you, how you felt. Like fine wine, it felt great but you knew you shouldn't. Scrubbing off your mind from him won't happen. Running away won't fully work without you yearning for him still.

Out running him wasn't possible either. His face was everywhere. Time to stop thinking about going backwards. You pulled out a silver necklace that was small. Middle of the small knot with a "J" in the center of it. No matter how much you were in love with him it was doomed. Doomed love that was hopelessly bound to happen. Allowing this disaster to happen was stupid, but too late to fix. No matter how much you felt in love with him. Like Butcher would say, if he did know, don't be a lovesick cunt.

"Do you want to get a drink later at the pub later? Watch one of the games?" He inquires to you as you hide the necklace again. Than hold a book in your hand.

"Yeah, that'll be nice after dealing with those supes" you remark with a light laugh. He returned to back to you. Ignore the forbidden fruit, now matter how you like the feeling of being in love. No choice but to move forward until all of this is finally done.

#the boys amazon #homelander #the boys #homelander x reader #billy butcher #frenchie #mothers milk #the boys season 2 #black noir #antony starr #starlight x hughie #starlight #x reader #queen maeve x elena #queen maeve x reader #a train

[godsopenwound]

Favourite movie ? Favourite movie scene?

My favourite movie is Novitiate!! From start to finish, i am obsessed with this film. It feels so, so personal i feel like dying whenever i watch it. So i don't particularly have a favourite scene from it, i utterly love the whole film, the first time i watched it i started crying in the first 10 minutes lmaoo 😭 every scene is a whole experience literally !!

Other than that, i absolutely LOVE that scene near the end of Winter Light where the pastor and the church sexton share a dialogue (or more like the monologue of the sexton). Here, i will quote it for you:

Sexton: The passion of Christ, his suffering... Wouldn't you say the focus on his suffering is all wrong?

Pastor: What do you mean?

Sexton: This emphasis on physical pain. It couldn't have been all that bad. It may sound presumptuous of me - but in my humble way, I've suffered as much physical pain as Jesus. And his torments were rather brief. Lasting some four hours, I gather? I feel that he was tormented far worse on an other level. Maybe I've got it all wrong. But just think of Gethsemane, Vicar. Christ's disciples fell asleep. They hadn't understood the meaning of the last supper, or anything. And when the servants of the law appeared, they ran away. And Peter denied him. Christ had known his disciples for three years. They'd lived together day in and day out - but they never grasped what he meant. They abandoned him, to the last man. And he was left alone. That must have been painful. Realizing that no one understands. To be abandoned when you need someone to rely on - that must be excruciatingly painful. But the worse was yet to come. When Jesus was nailed to the cross - and hung there in torment - he cried out - "God, my God!" "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He cried out as loud as he could. He thought that his heavenly father had abandoned him. He believed everything he'd ever preached was a lie. The moments before he died, Christ was seized by doubt. Surely that must have been his greatest hardship? God's silence.

#if u haven't watched them yet and u like films with religious themes please do !!!! #they're truly amazing movies #asks #anon

[oceanera12]

I don’t know if we’re still in embargo territory for No Way Home, so I’m just going to say what it made me do at one point. It made me shed a tear. Like, I don’t even-. The only time I shed a tear in a movie before then was the incinerator scene from Toy Story 3. These are the only two instances I have firmly in my memory where I shed a tear in a movie theater. One is because it was recent, the other is apparently a core memory that’s stuck forever and I don’t know why.

One, yeah, I don't know where we are on the embargo territory either. Like, I've seen the movie but I know others haven't soooo...

Two, I do not have your emotional control because I sob when watching movies all the time. I think I have cried for four different movies in the past two weeks alone. Strangely enough, it was not "No Way Home". I think it might have been because *spoiler* happened in the Spider-Man video game a few years ago and I cried plenty about it then.

Three, oh GOSH that Toy Story 3 scene is burned in my mind in the theater. Like, I legitimately thought that was the end and was SOBBING like a baby.

#era talks #no way home #spiderman nwh #no spoilers here #toy story 3 #*crys* #so good #i actually don't mind crying in movies #my sister hates it #i don't care #feeling is good