#i just don't feel like i'm cut out for long term employment

[rustingcat]

Vigilante

Kara was late.

She hated being late, but the amount of paperwork she had to sign was much larger than she anticipated, and the lack of signal in the classified room in the DEO meant that she couldn't alert Lena on time.

Kara made it to the lab an hour later, more exhausted than she realised.

"Kara! Is everything okay?" Lena asked the moment Kara put her bag down.

"Yes, I'm so sorry for the delay. I had to sign a LOT of papers for the DEO." Lena seemed so engulfed in the work, their work. The last thing she wanted was for Lena to feel like she's forced to take on the load.

"The DEO? Did something happen?" The worry in her voice was clear. Kara put a reassuring smile on her face to take some of it away.

"Yes, yes. I just signed an employment contract, I'm officially no longer a vigilante!" Kara said with a small chuckle.

"Oh, why the change? I remember you weren't a fan of working for the government before, especially with everything that went down with Colonel Hailey." Lena walked closer to her, a concern not completely gone.

"Well, now that my identity is public knowledge, Alex was very adamant in reminding me how open I am for lawsuits. Both private ones and from the government, like they could potentially sue me for stuff they ask me to do! How crazy is that?"

"Did you sign it already? I could go over it to make sure they don't put any peculiar articles or subsections."

"It's ok, Alex is still in touch with Lucy Lane. They went over the contract together several times before presenting it to me. Lucy is really good with this stuff." She reassured her.

"So you're a government official?"

"Yeah, free from any Supergirl related lawsuits, and with some pretty sweet tax benefits. Plus all of the salary they wanted to give me is going to go to different kinds of selected charities of my choosing, so that's awesome."

"I'm glad it all worked out."

"Me too." Kara breathed in relief.

"I have some news, too." Lena said as an excited smile spread on her face.

"Do tell," Kara said, biting her lip as a smile matching Lena started spreading.

"Okay, while you were off signing what was no doubt a mountain of paperwork," Kara nodded, "I found and fixed the problem with the distributor." Lena proclaimed proudly.

"What was the problem?" Kara asked, matching her excitement.

"We switched the materials connecting it to the compressor, but not the ones connected to the bio-terminal!" She explained quickly, her hands moving around in excited blur to match.

"Oh Rao! So it means–"

"We can start testing!"

"Ahh- Lena that's amazing!" Kara crushed into her best friend, giving her the big tight hug she deserves. She absolutely loved hugging Lena, really she took any opportunity she got. Feeling her warp around her tightly as if not wanting to let go, her smell that somehow always smelled amazing and feeling her heartbeat so close to hers. Hugging Lena was amazing, and she really deserved the most amazing hug after that discovery.

"Wait, we don't have their DNA to test it with." Kara noted once they pulled away.

"It's just a test to see if it can even process something like that, It doesn't have to be theirs. We already have exactly what we need." Lena explained.

"What do you mean?" Kara was confused, they didn't collect any DNA ahead of time.

"Samples of two specimens of the same biological sex, not to mention a combination of human and non-human DNA." Lena smiled at her.

"Oh." The room suddenly felt hotter. "Yeah, no… yes I see. Yeah that- that would definitely work." They would be combining their DNA. She and Lena. Their biological data would be combined. Kara felt very normal about this.

"Will you be able to extract some of your blood? If not, we can try saliva." Lena asked and she started to look around for the tubes.

"I think I can," Kara answered, looking at her fingers in an attempt to decide which one would be easier to cut. It's not like she would have to worry about the long term effect of the wound as it would heal once she stepped out into the sun.

Lena was already grabbing a syringe by the time Kara decided to go with her thumb, hoping to make the surface of the wound big enough to extract more blood.

She checked with her tongue to see which of her teeth is the sharpest –her upper left fang, and attempted her first try. It was painful, yet unsuccessful. She braced herself for the unavailable pain and tried again. The metallic taste in her mouth paired with the pounding pain in her finger told her she was successful. She took out her thumb and tried to lift it in a way that no blood would spill out. She held it above the tube Lena handed to her, letting the small drops fill it as much as she could, squeezing a bit despite the pain, until she was satisfied with the amount.

A quick walk to the window, letting the reflected rays of the sunshine upon her finger, fixed the little cut she created. She only wished Lena had similar powers. The syringe made her cut relatively small, but a cut was still a cut in Kara’s book. Lena was pressing a small piece of cotton to her arm, holding it tightly as she worked.

Kara walked closer to her. She was healed at this point and just as familiar with the machine as Lena, it was her turn to put on some work. She took Lenas wounded arm and gave it a small kiss to make it better. Lena's cheeks were immediately coloured with a light share of pink.

"All better now." Kara smiled at her. "Do you mind if I take it from here? You can keep pressing on the arm."

Lena simply nodded.

Inserting their blood samples carefully, Kara directed the machine to start the process. It was odd, she thought to herself, seeing all of the biological specification options for the combined data of her and Lena's DNA. Afraid to make a mistake, she slowly pressed on each button, choosing to unspecify everything before starting the process.

Kara looked at Lena with an exciting smile, biting down both her upper and bottom lips in the anticipation.

"And now we wait." Lena smiled back.

They watched in silence as the machine processed their data, searching for any errors or possible problems. They went through the math and the coding multiple times, they were at the very least confident in their work. The test was not to see a baby going through a full term, that process would take a few months even in their very advanced machine. Not to mention that due to the possibility of success, they knew that their first test subject should be for people who would be willing parents. So the test itself was only to see if the machine can prepare their given data to what could later become an embryo and then a healthy fetus should they choose to continue.

The process bar got closer to the end. No errors yet.

Lena was still pressing on her wound as she followed the process bar closely with her eyes. Kara wasn't sure if it was worry, tension or excitement on her face. Probably a combination of the three. She couldn't say she was faring any better, chewing in her bottom lip with similar emotions.

The bar got closer to the end. 97%, 98%, 99%, 100%.

Kara instinctively inhaled quickly. Holding her breath until the bar disappeared completely, replaced by a 'process complete' message on the screen.

"Oh my god!" She heard Lena exhale in relief.

"It worked!" Kara turned to face her, mouth wide open in shock and excitement.

"It did!" Lena confirmed in amazement.

They were hugging again before Kara fully realised she was doing it. Jumping in excitement in Lena’s arms as the latter laughed in response. When she settled down she noticed how close their faces were to each other, she could feel the heat radiating off of Lena's face warm her own. Suddenly their excited hearts became louder to her ears as she watched Lena wet her own lips. Kara instinctively mimicked the movement. They stayed like that for a moment, before Lena suddenly pulled away. Kara felt a pang of disappointment she could not name.

"I should check on this one project before I leave for today. Could you finish everything here?" Lena hurried to find her back, refusing to meet Kara's eyes.

"Sure," she had no problem wrapping everything herself. "What do you want to do with the PF?" It was the name they decided on for a successful processed DNA combination, a shorthand for Potential Fetus.

"It's not important, you can dispose of it." Lena finished collecting her stuff and exited before Kara could respond.

"Right." She muttered to the empty room. The project she went to check on must've been important.

Kara turned her attention back to the machine. She was familiar with the options, she designed the UI herself after all, yet they gave her pause. The button to proceed to the next stage had somehow become the most fascinating thing in the world. Flash images of small hands, a wild patch of dark hair and big striking green eyes passed through her mind in quick succession. She only noticed she clicked the button once a warning message asking her if she was sure she'd like to proceed popped up on the screen. Small panic went through her body as she realised what she almost did, Rao she almost greenlighted the creation of a baby for her and Lena.

She quickly pressed no, and moved on to check the other options. She had no need to restart the process to respect the bio-data for the PF, nor make changes to the DNA. She stared at the button to terminate the PF and all data related to it, but couldn't bring herself to do it. The images flashed her mind again. She wasn't sure what it was but she couldn't bring herself to do it, she couldn't press the button.

A message from Lena asking if she wanted a ride home made her notice the time. She sent her a quick message saying she would be right there, and turned back to the machine. Kara made a quick decision to store the data for later use, just in case they wanted to reexamine it, of course. Plus it was their first success, it could also be a reminder of their progress.

Kara finished turning off whatever unnecessary parts to keep the power consumption at a minimum, went over everything twice and spared a moment to stare at the container, before she left.

The images followed her to her dream that night, along with a familiar dimpled smile by her side.

Read in order in AO3

#look at them #succeeding in making a potential baby #that means nothing right? #supercorp #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #supercorptober #supercorptober2023 #my art #my fic

[alternis]

Whoops, sorry, sad under the cut

I think the thing about being chronically ill/disabled a lot of people can't imagine is how like. embarrassing amd alienating it is. and how difficult keeping any kind of long term friendships/relationships alive becomes

every time anybody asks you what you do or how you're doing or tries to catch up with you the answer is "i don't have a degree, I don't have a job, literally nothing has changed for me in years, there still isn't a treatment to reduce the symptoms I suffer from, I shower maybe once a week and I'm completely unemployable bc most days I can barely get out of bed" like. what I supposed to say. how am I supposed to spin this so people don't get uncomfortable.

every other person has some kind of forward trajectory to their life and you are just. stuck. standing in place. there is only so much "Well maybe this new medication will make things better" or "maybe I'll finally find Something I can do jn terms of education/employment" you can trot out before it feels like lying. there's only so many times people can encourage you and tell you to keep fighting before that just feels. like. cruel!

like I'm trying really hard not to get ground down by this but I have lost all of my friendships and i get no support from any family member that doesn't literally live in the same house as me because Im the only one of my cousins not to get a degree, the only one who doesn't have a job, the only one who didn't 'overcome' their health issues, so everybody just seems to have given up on me. I'm very, very tired.

[sauriansolutions]

God dammit God damnit

Tw... bad irl stuff, dead animal/dead pet tw's, severe depression/abuse/suicide tw's. Please I beg you to just scroll past this if you think you don't have the spoons to handle seeing it. Trust me I get it, if it wasn't my stuff I wouldn't want to know about it either.

Fuck I'm really not doing okay.

I just got back from my typical overnight shift, then went grocery shopping for the the 5 things I could afford, and finally came home to find

MY FROG DIED.

She was a little, underweight, green tree frog I got at one of the horrible chain pet stores because they had "boring, normal" tree frogs on sale, and this poor girl was underweight and had only one eye. (I called her Odinna.)

I had her for almost two years. I brought her with me, as one of my few possessions I wasn't forced to just abandon due to lack of space, when I moved cross-country after I couldn't afford to stay as a resident of the state I used to live in anymore.

I found her dead body while receiving a string of texts from my boss chewing me out for apparently stocking a product incorrectly. Some highlights:

"Don't ever (do task I previously claimed I entrusted to you) again!"

"All of (task) has to be redone because you fucked up!"

"If my boss would have seen this. Or his boss. Holy hell."

*also, photos of the hours of work I did last night being angrily undone, just to push the point home?*

I *put a product on the shelf wrong.* (I was never told the correct way.) Call the fucking firing squad, I guess.

It's not even these specific things, it's.

I don't have anybody I feel like I can safely talk about things like this with, otherwise I wouldn't be dumping this on the blog I tried to make for happy escapism.

I've been in so many long-term abusive relationships, I guess I don't know how to NOT be treated like shit. I've been trying though? I'm worried I might be too autistic and cptsd to even recognize what is a toxic relationship versus, I don't know, a normal snag between folks?

Pretty sure my boss and my roommate have been treating me like shit for awhile though. And I'm so dumb, I'm only just starting to recognize the patterns. Again. AGAIN. The same ones that--

Oh but, idk, maybe it's just me though? Maybe I am in fact so annoying, I deserve to have eyes rolled at me, to be cut off every time I try to talk, to be spoken to in this clipped, exasperated tone. Spoken *at*, more like.

But?? I don't think literally everything I say is stupid. I don't think literally everything I do deserves to be ignored if done well; and don't think I deserve to be excessively, humiliatingly berated if I make, (what seem to me at least? it's entirely possible I am the idiot?) really small, ultimately unimportant, and understandable mistakes??

Maybe I'm also insane to think this, but oh no I'm going to go THERE. Yeah so um... I feel like maybe I should be making a living wage? Hey, that would be cool. Maybe I should get at least like, ONE 15-20 minute food break on my "8 hour" overnight shifts? Maybe I should be getting healthcare (and maybe like what, 401k? Other kinds?) of benefits too, (what other kinds of benefits even exist? Dental? Vision?? Who the fuck has ever had their employer buy them glasses that sounds crazy!), esp considering I'm continuing to work my ass off while raw dogging it through venlafaxine withdrawals (lost my health insurance so fuck me I guess!!) and basically destroying my mental health, working anytime, all the time, full-time, with mandatory overtime--

That's only the tip of the goddamned iceberg, but enough, enough, I'm depressing myself too much to go on even just writing this.

Writing this is an exercise in acknowledging that it's all stuff that happened, not some nightmare. And had an effect on me. I had gotten so good at drugging and drinking myself to sleep, and ignoring, and ignoring,

I feel so trapped. I've been trying to like myself more, and there's a certain point that means you have to actually act on things like this, or else you... don't really like yourself that much, do you?

So, even though it is the most anxiety inducing thing ever, I have dipped my toes into "acting on it." To the extent that, recently, for the first time in my life, I've been willingly leaving jobs, friendships, and romantic relationships--if they feel like, if I told my therapist (who exists in my head, I can't afford one) about how they treat me, I can easily imagine them being like, "Wow okay so first of all, red flags all over the place!"

I've been doing this to my own detriment. I'm alone and stuck, unable to afford solo housing, or appropriate medication, or even food and other basic life necessities some of the time.

And here's the kicker.

I really, really don't want to die. In that sense, I'm not suicidal! But, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep existing like this without imploding or exploding in some way, though.

The worst part is just having no time, space, or resources to even start trying to heal. Nobody to even talk to safely... or, imo, ethically. I don't want to inflict this sadness and hopeless on some innocent bystander.

I'm sorry if you are the person reading this right now.

#don't read this #it's a hazard #personal #trigger warning #venlafaxine #effexor #major depressive disorder #mental health

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

shu and subaru both like sleeping and ones a neet and ones referred as a shut in. i think they could sleep together (platonic) but also shu/subaru has nice potential in romantic or sexual ways to. sorry if u don't ship them!

thank you for your ask!

one of the things i think is interesting about how shu and subaru are referred to as being lazy is the fact shu is referred to as a NEET (not in employment education or training) whereas subaru is considered a shut in.

i think it's a reflection of how shu, as the oldest, is expected to be making something of his life. obviously yuma coined the the term NEET first, and i think that says a lot about how yuma sees shu as needing to make something of himself.

whereas with subaru, i feel like even his brothers have no expectations of him. he's just a loner and doesn't like them and they take the piss out of that. he's just the runt of the litter and if anything they find the fact he's not in a great state mentally amusing.

// incest under the cut

yeah i'd say i agree shu/subaru works platonically but also romantically/sexually. in fact i'd say shu and subaru are probably the only within-sakamaki ship which wouldn't be fuelled by sex.

they're similar to each other and i think before kou comes along, shu is probably the first person subaru was able to form a connection with. similarly, before yuma!!! shu obviously spent a long time mourning edgar and was probably lonely too. shu could probably trust subaru as being the only sibling who isn't gonna hold super high expectations of him.

it'd probably be awkward, but i'm sure they could squeeze in a couple kisses here and there. obviously no incest ship is healthy in the slightest, but on a scale of bad to awful, shu/subaru is further from awful compared to say, ayato/laito or god forbid, shu/reiji.

#ask #anon #// incest

[purewanderlust]

i want to complain about the slow-motion breakdown i’m having over being in the same job for 4 years but i don’t want to be That Asshole who complains about my work when some people can’t even get a job.

#i just don't feel like i'm cut out for long term employment #but the american workforce is long term employment minded #shouldn't it matter more how good i am at my job than how long i plan to stay? #i'd rather have an excellent employee for one year than a subpar one for ten #personal #shut up casye

[fazcinatingblog]

lmao bullshit

#i think i was unemployed for like ages #not including jobs that only lasted a week or month or whatever #and not including me volunteering at the salvos for something to do (which i did throughout my undergrad degree and a little bit afterwards) #i go to sessions at job prospects with other unemployed people to learn 'skills' and stuff #the whole time that r*ck was my consultant i probably gave him two payslips #yeah i remember the job prospects people always wanted payslips #i got off the dole during my masters degree and thank god i never had to go back on it #i often wonder what i'd do if i had to show payslips to them for my current job lmao #what would i say #i mean i know it's really bad that i've never had a payslip in the 11 months i've worked there (11 months!!!!!!! take that ABC australia) #but yeah i really don't think long term unemployment has much impact on your chances of employment #and if you feel it does then just do what i did and learn a new skill - i did a cert IV but i'm sure there's cheaper options #and job prospects were good at keeping me involved in things and inviting me to sessions with other people #and rick was pretty good at getting me out of my shell #i was annoyed when they made me change consultants and then change to another provider (not job prospects) #i miss talking about collingwood with rick #it was so good #like when jordan got suspended but we lost the first few games and rick asked for my thoughts and i yelled CUT HIS SUSPENSION #in front of everyone #and the mean lady was like glaring at me cos she hated me (she hated everyone) #who am i saying this to #hello tumblr #tumblr just deletes my blog after i post this because they don't want to read my drivel #I AM SORRY #i followed rick on twitter and he followed me back for a time #i should've DM'd him

[angstyaches]

Ooooh you have a delicious writing style- it's so descriptive! I'm afraid I'm quite new so don't know your characters much yet, but if this scenario could fit I bet you'd write it amazingly! Perhaps Character A is down on their luck, longterm or short-term wise, and is walking through town, having not eaten since the morning prior. Suddenly a store window catches their eye, displaying all sorts of amazing baked goods or meat cuts, and they can't help but stare while their hunger pains have them wincing openly. Character B notices them staring before Character A even realises what they're doing.

Agh, what a beautiful prompt. I think this is actually the first hunger fic I've written on request, so thank you, anon! I hope it’s okay that I used fancy pizza; I really wanted to use Payton for this and pizza is one of the few foods they would genuinely go weak over.

Pre-Payton and Autumn Getting Together

CW: hunger, hunger pangs, stomach noises, mentions of character unable to afford (decent) food, stress, overwork (it's Payton, what did we expect?), food mention

___

Payton sighed as they felt the drizzle start to fall around them. They stepped under a deserted bus shelter and stared out, wondering if the rain was going to get worse before it cleared up.

It was a fitting end to the day – or rather, the week – they’d been having. They couldn’t wait to get home and take off the stifling shirt they’d worn to a job interview that morning and then worn all the way through their shift at the café. They just wanted soft clothes and their bed and maybe a podcast to fall asleep to.

It all seemed so far away still, their energy sapping by the second and leaving them stranded five minutes away from the tram stop. Their feet stopped moving, rooting them to the pale grey concrete.

A gorgeous smell turned their head. Frantic interview prep, snooty employers, and stuffy clothes all faded from Payton’s mind. They were stopped across the street from the city’s most expensive food store. Built into a complex from the late 1800s, it was the kind of place where a sandwich cost €12. The kind of place that sold imported goods and “foodstuffs”.

An elaborate window was positioned behind the delicatessen section of the shop, where a chef was artfully piecing together a pizza on top of a copper paddle while another sat in a brick oven. The smell of the crisping dough must have been piped out deliberately onto the street, to entice those with money to burn, and to tease those without.

Payton fell into the latter category lately. With all the time they’d been spending on interview prep and assignments, they’d been taking shorter shifts at the café. Rent was going to clean them out this month. Today’s shift hadn’t even been long enough to warrant a full lunch break; they’d only taken fifteen minutes, and had spent thirteen of them taking a nap at the break room table.

Only now did they feel the twists of hunger in their stomach, the shakiness in their legs. Payton didn’t even realise that they had edged closer to the bus stop so they could sit down on the bench, one hand resting on their belly. Their stomach hurt, and it really was no wonder when they thought about it.

The last thing they’d eaten had been a bowl of cereal at seven a.m., the same cereal they were planning to have for dinner when they got home.

Payton’s stomach groaned unhappily at the prospect, and Payton groaned too; I’m right there with you, they thought miserably, rubbing at their stomach and continuing to watch the pizza chef through the window.

They didn’t know how long they grimaced and gazed across the street before they were interrupted.

“Payton? Hi!”

Payton jumped, head snapping up to see who’d said their name, and their heart skipped a beat.

A navy polka-dot umbrella sat over her shoulder. She was wearing tight leggings and an oversized sweater, her shoulder-length hair thrown into a lazy side-bun. She was wearing no makeup and looked a little sweaty, like she was heading home from the gym or dance practice.

She was a sight to behold, as always, even as she fumbled with her umbrella.

“H-hey,” Payton stammered, stumbling to their feet and trying to appear as though they weren’t so light-headed they were seeing stars.

Autumn glanced across the street, her eyes lingering there for a moment. “Uh, you don’t take this bus, do you?”

“I – no,” Payton admitted, glancing at the timetable and list of stops. “I was just sitting. Long day. Spaced out a bit.”

“Yeah, I could see that,” Autumn said, glancing across the street again. She let out a little laugh, though she seemed to consider holding it in for a moment. “I thought you were going to start drooling.”

“What?”

“The fancy pizzas.”

Payton’s heart dropped. Their face was feeling hot under their bangs. “Oh, I, uh, I didn’t even realise I was… staring.”

“Don’t be embarrassed! I watch them all the time when I’m waiting for the bus,” Autumn laughed.

Payton still blushed deeply, since they’d had no reason to sit down at the bus stop except to stare through the shop window. They were suddenly hyper-aware of their hand resting on their belly. They felt their stomach quiver under their palm, a low growl working its way through.

“You doing okay?” Autumn sat down on the bench, nodding for Payton to join her. She didn’t seem to hear the complaint from Payton’s belly. “Feels like forever since we last talked.”

“Y-yeah, sure does,” Payton half-laughed. Their shaky legs and dizzy head were thankful for the relief as they sank back down, leaving what they hoped was a healthy number of inches between the two of them. “I’ve been, um… I’m okay? I think. And – and you?”

“I’m actually… I’m great,” Autumn grinned, tucking some hair behind her ear. “I, um, I just found out today that I’m going to be Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors.”

“Are you serious?” Payton smiled, their mood genuinely lifting a bit at the sight of Autumn’s proud, shy little smile.

They often envied her for her absolute passion for musicals and acting, since they were failing so spectacularly at finding their place in the film world, but right then Payton was happy just knowing she was happy.

“Yeah! I still can’t really believe it.”

“I can.” Payton extended a long arm to pull Autumn towards them. “You’re brilliant.”

“Agh – ew, P, you don’t want to hug me!” she laughed, pulling her shoulders up tightly. “I’m all sweaty and damp!”

“I don’t care!” Payton wrapped their arms around her and pulled her close, so that their cheeks were just inches apart. “Your news deserves a hug.”

Autumn gave a deep, happy sigh as she leaned into the hug, probably unaware of the fact that the contact was setting Payton’s heart racing. It almost felt selfish, holding her like this when they were clearly getting more out of it than she was. They went to remove their arms from her, their chest fluttering as she buried her face deeper in their shoulder and kept her arms firmly around their waist.

It was lovely.

And yet, for the first time in a while, Payton felt a pang of loneliness, their core aching with the knowledge that they couldn’t hold her like this all the time. Deep in their bones, Payton wanted to kiss her hair, tickle her sides, and whisper happy little declarations of affection in her ear.

They didn’t whisper anything to her, though. They didn’t say anything as they held her. But their empty stomach was still twisting itself into shapes, and it clearly didn’t get the memo on holding Autumn quietly. A sharp growl had Payton wincing and trying to clear their throat (to cover up the noise) all in the same breath.

“Whoa, is that your stomach?” Autumn asked, lifting her head from Payton’s shoulder.

Payton’s body stiffened. “It… might be.”

“Are you okay? You must be starving.”

“I’m… Yeah.” Payton swallowed hard, letting a hand rest on their belly again.

Autumn moved back to give them some space. She was staring like she expected an explanation, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed. Payton’s stomach rumbled under their hand again, bringing a twist of pain, and they didn’t know if they wanted to laugh or to cry.

“I guess I haven’t been taking care of myself too well.” They flinched again at the crack in their own voice.

Lifting her umbrella from where it had been resting against her leg, Autumn got to her feet. “Come on.”

Payton looked up at her, blinking behind their bangs. Exhaustion weighted them to the bench. “Come on where?”

A little hum escaped Autumn’s throat as she jerked her head. Her umbrella popped open and she stepped out of the bus shelter. The rain pattered against the fabric, a little heavier than it had been before.

“We’re gonna go eat pizza. Not – not there,” she clarified, gesturing towards the expensive deli. “I was thinking top floor of the Greene Centre. They sell by the slice and it’s super cheap.”

Payton swallowed again, guilt piling itself on top of the embarrassment. They felt as though they’d somehow coerced Autumn into offering to buy dinner, and the thought made them physically shudder. They got to their feet and moved a little closer to Autumn so she could hear them.

“I probably still can’t afford it,” they mumbled, staring at the ground.

“It’ll be my treat today, okay? You can pay me back by letting me ramble about my show.”

Payton gave her a shaky smile. “Are you sure?”

“Hundred percent.” That shy smile crossed Autumn’s face again. “It’s gonna sound weird, but when I found out I got the part… You were the first person I wanted to tell, Payton.”

“I... Really?” As they chewed their lip, a deep rumble came from Payton’s tummy. They frowned and folded their arms around it, noticing how Autumn's gaze drifted towards it too.

"Come on, I can't listen to your poor belly complain anymore." She lifted her umbrella a little higher with one hand – Payton was a few inches taller than her – and stuck out her elbow for Payton to link their arm through hers. “Shall we go?”

#hunger #hunger fic #OC hunger #stomach ache #stomach ache fic #hunger kink #belly kink #stomach kink #OC fic #stomach noises #Lucyverse #Lucyverse Payton #Lucyverse Autumn #fic #fic length

[all-about-seggs]

The Game of Three-

Rating : 18+, Explicit

Word count : ~ 3K

Pairing : Geto Suguru x female reader x Mahito

Warnings : Mirror sex, dub con, gaslighting ( kind of, like I wanted to add it but not sure if I did it right), Fingering, Cunnilingus, degradation (slight), voyeurism, choking, threesome near the end.

A/n: When describing Suguru's place I totally went into weeb mode and used traditional Japanese terms but I tried to define them to the best of my abilities so y'all won't get confused and I put the link of their pictures in their name as well, so you can check them out if you want.

The red clouds above you parted to reveal the cerulean blue sky, painting the engawa in front of you in its hues. Giving a quick look over to the now clean surface beneath your feet, you made your way to the supply closet to put the mop back.

It's been a few uneventful months since you got employed as one of the only two maids in the entire manor. It was fairly big, atleast for just one person, and minimally decorated so it wasn't that hard to keep the entire place clean even with the two of you. The other maid was a nice old lady who showed you the way around the place and how to do what when you were just starting out.

The manor was quite, most of the time, even with your boss's guests staying over for a couple of days, the place lacked any sort of liveliness much less talking. Just a few more hours until your evening shift is over, you mused to yourself roaming around the garden to feed the pond's fish their dinner as the sun began its descent. Mindlessly, you kept looking around the area until one of the rooms caught your eye. On your right you saw the silhouette of your employer through the thin Shoji door that coverd his room.

Having finished bathing, you saw his toned mascular arms slipping out of his thin bath yukata that contrasted to the one he usually donned, his elegant movements accentuated by the growing darkness the evening provided. His daily outfit was nothing if not modest, covering his body from head to toe, leaving everything to the imagination but right now the delicious shape of his body was on full display, making it harder for you to move.

It wasn't until his form moved closer to the door, that you realised how badly your current actions could effect the job you were given. Just the thought of yourself getting fired after being considered a peeping tom made your breath quicken and not in a good way. The panic surging through your veins momentarily turned your mind blank, making you stumble until the heel of your foot slipped on one of the algae coated rocks. Clenching your butt cheeks you braced yourself for the impact but the efforts proved pointless as the considerably shallow pond's bottom made full contact with your body.

Pain aside, the cold water of the pond was what added most to your immobility until you heard footsteps heading towards you. Looking up from your seated position, the tall figure of your boss, maybe ex boss, loomed over you. He extended one elegant hand towards you.

" Are you okay.....?", His soft tone carried nothing but gentleness but being a mess, both physically and mentally, it took you sometime to process what he had said. Hesitation was clear in your actions as you meekly let him pull you up. His grip on your arm was firm and with how easily he pulled you out of the pond showed his Zephyr-like nature had a brute strength underneath. Threads of wet, black hair covering the sides of his well sculpted face, reached all the way to his mid- back. His usual heavy garb was replaced with a single, cotten yukata which were damp in every places his hair touched.

"Y/n...... Was it?, Can you stand", putting both his hands on your shoulders he peered at your face, you still for a moment, too fascinated by his slitted eyes to look away. This was the first time you two had a real conversation so you forced yourself to speak,

" Oh...umm, I'm sorry! I didn't payed attention to the slippery rocks and fell,.....but I'm okay! So..... Yeah... thank you", it was difficult to keep your voice steady, not wanting to reveal your obviously perverted BUT unintentional peeping. Yup. That's what you kep telling yourself although his secretive smile told you that your poor lie didn't make the cut.

" I see, so tell me y/n dear.....", His hands on your shoulders gripped them a little tighter as he leaned down until his face was right in front of yours, " where exactly were you paying attention to?", The question was simple, nor did it had any threatening undertones but your throat still felt clogged. It was too embarrassing, telling your boss that you were shamelessly ogling at his silhouette changing clothes. One second, two seconds, a lot of seconds passed with you playing dumb until you heard a soft sigh.

" Alright...... If you don't want to tell me, I'll let it go........for now", emphasizing the now, he took your cold hands in his warmer ones, leading you inside his room. You were still drenched, hesitating to climb on the perfectly dry floor of his room,

"It's okay..... I'll go ask for a change of clothes so you sit here, better than the outside right?," Smiling, he disappeared down the hall. The whether wasn't cold, so you didn't have to worry about getting sick but you still reeked of fish and algae, making a change of cloths a better option. You could chid yourself for it but looking at the things in his room can't be considered peeping so you turned around from your sitting position, taking in your surroundings.

His room was relatively normal, just like rest of the manor, the furnishing was minimal, a low chabudai with a few soft looking zabuton around it, a wooden cupboard, the slightly elevated tokonoma on the right side of the room had a full body sized mirror, along with a couple of other tiny decoratives. Nothing stood out with everything in place, your boss sure had simple tastes, you thought to yourself when the door slided again, when the owner of the room itself entered.

He was empty handed , earning a questioning look from you, " it's gonna take a few more minutes to find women's clothing, I hope you don't mind, for the time being....", He walked over to cupboard, producing a towel out of it.

" Use this to dry yourself", handing you the towel he kneeled beside you, he was being so nice, you hadn't expected him to be so kind but you gratefully accepted it. When you began drying your hair, you felt his eyes on yourself, pointed and unnerving. You gulped, feeling like he could see right through your head, just waiting for you to fess up on your own. You were lost in your thoughts when his voice suddenly filled the room.

"You know.....y/n, when you desire something.....", His fingers made their way to your collar, playfully stroking your neck," you should let yourself have it", his last words were nothing but a whisper against your ear as he placed himself right behind your seated form. His upper half of the robe already wet, stuck to his body, defining each and every cut of his muscles. He was somewhere between lean and mascular, his beautiful face giving him just the right amount of sensuality. You weren't naive enough to be oblivious to his suggestive tone.

It was weird to you, perplexing even as to why a clearly well to do, good looking guy would not only make a move on his maid but a maid who smelled like she just popped out of a can of tuna fish. His deep, even breaths stroked your ear as he waited for you to answer.

" I really wasn't thinking about....... 'This'", you pulled his hands wrapped around your shoulders away, to prove your point. You thought he'd be upset but his face only lit up by your rejection.

" Is this embarrassment I see y/n? Because it's not cute", he rose on his knees, looking down at you he gently added, " the mundane world would feel much better if you indulged yourself a bit more you know, even if those indulgences are only of....."

" Sexual nature", his sharp eyes slited as his lips curled into a wicked grin. Impossible to read, his actions did nothing but lure you in a honey coverd poisonous trap. It was obvious with the way his hands started massaging your arms, right where it hurt from your previous fall, blowing softly in your ear. They was all just tricks to make you fall just so he could shame you from above but you'd be damned if it didn't got you all hot and bothered. He grazed his hand across your blouse sticking to your bust, your nipples hardened with the slightest touch. The reactions your body gave were no lies and therefore couldn't be hidden. He pressed your bodies closer until you sat snugly against his torso. You closed your eyes, still unable to decide whether or not you want to let him have his way and deal with all the risks that would soon follow after.

The front of wet your shirt was completely open by now, reveling the garment underneath. Suguru's hands trailed up and down your thighs as he hiked your long skirt higher until it pooled around your hips sticking to the sides. He hooked his left hand under your left knee, doing the same with your right side, he pulled your legs apart, with the mirror in front, you and the man behind you had a full view of your damp panties.

" See that? This is what you want. To be exposed by me. Just the thought of spreading yourself open in front me have you this wet y/n...... Are you sure you weren't waiting for this moment all along?", His voice had a mix of mockery and eroticism in it, his words only adding to the fire burning in the middle of your core. With his right hand, he grabbed the thin strap of your panties at the side of your hips and tore them off until the shredded garment was left dangling on one of your hip. The air in the room, made contact with you now naked pussy but what made you shiver was the mirror in front of you. Suguru held both of your legs as far apart as possible, his face, now lacking all the warmth it had just a few minutes ago. When you tried to squeeze your eyes shut he pinched your inner thighs hard, making you cry out in a mix of pain and pleasure.

" Keep looking y/n, I'm proving it to you, just how much you're body is begging for me. And I won't stop until you've said so yourself, so keep. Your eyes. Open.," The darkness of his tone was accentuated with the look in his eyes. The fingers of his right hand made their way to your cunt, with two of them he spread your dripping lips apart, reveling the tiny swollen bud that was screaming for attention. You felt it too, the need for release spreading in your body but voicing it meant your defeat so you held your breath, letting the self assured guy behind you continue his ministrations.

" Why can't you be honest just like your needy cunt?", He cooed against your throat as he rubbed your nether lips with his digits, coating them in your slick. He didn't touch your clit, if you were going to be a brat then he's bringing his A game too. Making you beg was his only motive now, his eyes met yours, the mirror in front of you showing every nook and cranny of your privates and by now you're sure Suguru has memorised all of it. The ache between your legs was getting worse as he kept on sliding his fingers up and down your folds but never touching the rest of your sex. You knew what would make him do it but after the prolonged defiance you're not sure how to put it into words.

" Whats wrong y/n, are you ready bow to your filthy desires?, Getting off on my fingers is going to be a lot better than yours right?", Damn his rude ass remarks but they were true, the last few months have been very long and dry for you, day in and day out all work, maybe that's why you're giving in so easily, what he promised was as tantalizing as his actions, that's why you were so horny, easily aroused even.

"Right..... You're .... right, so do it.....master", you broke out, the last of your self control shredding itself as you let your voice flow out just as much as your cunt, your juices.

" Finally gave in huh?, It would've been so much easier if you'd just admitted to being my slut from the start, but oh well, this is also good", his thick fingers slipped in you with ease as he wrapped his left hand around your throat, making you look straight at the mirror. You were a mess, a totally different kind of mess you previously were, in addition to your already damp hair, your eyes were glazed with lust, the corners of your lips moist with your drool that threatened to spill out, your clothes were disheveled and tattered, you were disheveled in general and barely recognisable.

" Now look at yourself closely, how your face twists when I make you cum, how you look when you're begging to me like a real slave," his fingers picked up a brutal pace, going in and out of you relentlessly, his thumb roughly massaging your throbbing clit, sending shivers up your spine. You could clearly see your drool covered face turning hotter by the second, pussy dripping from your buliding orgasm on the tatami mats below it, your moans coming out in broken whimpers as Suguru's hand tighten around your throat, eyes rolling back for a second, you cum around his fingers hard.

" Do you see that ? How disgusting she looks right now?", Turning his gaze to the left he called out to his accomplice in crimes, " Mahito", the other man, with an amicable smile on his peculiar face stared at, not where you lied on the floor, but at your pitiful form that appeared in the mirror.

" I just dropped by to give you the clothes you asked for the young lady earlier," his talked merrily, not minding the scandalous sight in front of him one bit," but it appears that you aren't going to be needing them for a while", throwing the cloths aside he sat on your left side. Suguru kept his eyes on the mirror, loosening his hand around your neck he let you breath, mind still hazy.

" You're free to join in, if you have the time. But I'll have to warn you though, she's a persistent one, it took me a while to break her as well", Suguru smirked, pulling his fingers out of your abused hole making an exaggerated show of bringing his cum smeared fingers to your face, as if prove his victory.

" I don't mind a challenge every once in a while Geto kun, I'm not bad at 'this' myself, but to make sure, why don't you keep sitting, after all it's been a while since touched a living human", Still a bit delirious, it took you a few more seconds than usual to process the change in your situation or what he meant by living just now or touching even. The man named Mahito kneeled in between your still parted thighs, you thought it was strange that your brains last and probably rotting cells decided to focus on his eyes. They were heterochromatic, it gave his already scared face a haunting quality.

The fact that you were sandwiched between two men soon left your mind as Mahito started sucking on your still sensitive clit, your legs instinctively clamping if it's weren't for Suguru holding them apart. The man behind you weren't entirely evil though as he rubbed soothing circles on the soft inner flesh of your aching thighs, his touch only heightning the touch of the man between them.

Mahito licked your juices as if they were made to be feasted upon, slurping on them lewdly, the V of his fore and middle finger seperated your pussy for more access, he grazed his teeth lightly across your clit, fighting the urge to bit it down. You didn't have any energy at this point to put up a show of defiance so you kept moaning, the sight of the man lying flat on his stomach along with his face hidden in between your legs was urging you to cum, but the abrupt thrusting of Suguru's fingers in your mouth cut them off.

" If you're mouth is available enough to scream for just anyone who makes you cum then you truly do have the makings of a whore.", His words were nothing more than a possessive hiss against you throat, long fingers grazing your tonsils as he pushes them deeper. You gag a little, the fingers in you mouth kept you from reacting to the man who worked your pussy until it throbbed against his face.

Mahito turned his heterochromatic eyes towards your face, it seemed like someone was keeping you from your release, he sucked on your clit again adding two fingers in your streched out cunt. He moved both his tongue and digits in similar motions, causing a surge pleasure wash down your senses, with just a few quick pumps of his fingers, your juices gushed on his face as your moans get stifled by the fingers in your mouth.

" That wasn't so bad right?", Mahito pushed himself up as he asked his partner in crime, something about his tone was awfully cocky, making Suguru's face scrunched up in a haughty smirk as he added,

" Indeed, you sure know your way around the human's body Mahito kun, but maybe a little less egar to please attitude would do better. Can't let our toy think we're just here for catering to her needs now can we?", His voice loaded with provocative innuendos sounded nothing but gentle but the other man knew better.

" Hooo?, Is that a challenge for round two, then?", He met Suguru's goading with a playful and assured tone. Both of them stared each other, neither of the males backing down they both turned their eyes at your spent body, and you know even without having to look, that it was going to be a long night.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen scenario #jujutsu kaisen smut #smut #tw: dub con #jjk geto #geto suguru #jjk mahito #mahito #geto Suguru x reader #mahito x reader #lemon #Jujutsu kaisen Geto #Jujutsu kaisen mahito

[daydreamer-bby]

Good grief... RANT

I can't believe how screwed up my sleep schedule is again. I was totally fine for like almost three weeks and then boom, s t r e s s . Things are changing for me again and I feel exhausted from wrestling with my mind all day and night. I resigned from my officer position at the bank to focus on my health and go back to school. I know I have it in me to do great things and learn at my own pace but man I am just drowning in the mess I've created.

Debt wasn't really a thing for me until this past year when I got shmacked with hella medical bills after a suicide attempt and stay at a rehab facility. Which, by the way, was a wholly traumatic experience and only served to put me in debt and give me more cringey-want-to-kill-myself experiences. I can't find the beginning or end of the tangled up threads that have netted my life. It's all a mess and I feel sorry for my new therapist for having to deal with my pathetic ass lol.

I'd do anything to go back to 2019. I want so badly to get back to a functioning level but I feel like I'm slowly losing an uphill battle against myself. The one short-term/student friendly opportunity I have a chance at actually being able to manage is barely in reach because I can't fucking drive and it's a job that would require a very long commute even for a good driver. Plus, it's at my best friends place of employment so like what if I embarrass her or just can't cut it long enough to even work part-time.

If I think too much, which I cannot help but do, I am frozen. I feel like all the work I put in to my job means nothing now and I feel so foolish for having wanted to plan the rest of my life around it. I used to think I'd come so far and deserve more opportunity to grow in my career but I guess I really was just kidding myself lol. I got all my family members to momentarily eat their words about me basically being a total idiot and failure but here I am again, failing everything good I had going on.

Like this burnout and whatever else I could call it is so much worse than the other times???? Yet I feel reasonably calm through the panicked mental replays of impending financial catastrophes.

What else can I rant about...

Oh so it might be interesting to share why I don't drive.

I'll start this section by saying I have had some good driving experiences. But the majority of time I've spent behind the wheel was horrifying. Because of my personal issues I can't really control where my eyes go. That sounds stupid but it's true. I can't make myself look where I need to, see what I need to, or consistently comprehend what exactly is in my field of vision. My husband has been driving for like 15 years or something and he checks his mirrors constantly and has great awareness. For me, and not even in a generic dissociative way, I can't get my body to cooperate with my mind. It's terrifying. Picture being in a car but having no control over your body or focus. This predisposition to completely checking out from one moment to another is ruining my life. It's been ruining my life. I can't help but panic when I consider how the hell I'm supposed to manage having kids or keeping them safe. And aside from the mind/eye chaos I get so overwhelmed by sensory issues there's just no hope of me being a safe driver. IT ONCE TOOK ME OVER 30 MINUTES TO MOVE MY SISTER'S CAR WHILE SHE SAT NEXT TO ME EATING SPAGHETTI AND LAUGHING AT MY PANIC ATTACK. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET MY MOM AT THE STORE ACROSS THE STREET BUT BEFORE WE COULD SHE WALKED THERE, SHOPPED, THEN WALKED BACK INTO OUR APARTMENT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE PARKING LOT. MY LIFE IS A GOD DAMNED JOKE YALL.

UGHHHHHHHHH there's so much I've never been able to process.

I hate that I cannot control myself the ways I did for so long. I take a little comfort in reminding myself that I'm doing better than I have been and that I need to be patient and kind to myself but GOOD GOD do I wish I could beat my own ass. I keep asking my husband if we can go kayaking and for what?!?!? I've never been kayaking, I don't have a clue how to kayak. I never thought of it until a few months ago when I saw one in a movie. I hate that I can't stop thinking about kayaking.

I used to be so smart and mentally nimble and kind and innocent and naïve and now I'm just an anxious mess lmao. I can't call it a philosophical choice... I am not voluntarily nihilistic or kind I am literally just THAT stupid and ineffectual.

Mental illness and disabilities own me and I don't even understand them. They were this big, scary, sneaky things for most of my life and then boom I became an adult who can't seem to just get it the fuck together.

I actually just realized in a moment of clarity that I am beginning to spiral so I should take some of the gabapentin my psychiatrist recently prescribed for anxiety.

I've just taken it with lots of ice water so hopefully I can calm tf down LOL.

I can't remember the last time I SH'd frfr, but I know the progress I've made in not mutilating myself isn't that impressive when I do other dumb shit like relapse into bingeing or stay up for days at a time. It's like I can claim some success in not being monstrous to my skin but I find alternative ways of harming myself. And I was sincere about stopping using cannabis but two days in and P U F F F F F .

I just want to be my old self but I guess she's gone and now I have to reinvent my fat ass AGAIN. It's going to take so much more out of me this time but I guess that's for the best since there's so much more chaos in me at this time in my life. Maybe I'll shower now so I can sleep for a little while and be clean to workout tomorrow morning.

Anyway, if you're struggling like me I wish you the best, you sad little bitch.

#mental heath awareness #mental illness #positive mental attitude #LOL #adhd #autism #depression #anxiety #unemployed #student #looking for mutuals #say hi or something #tw eating mention #tw sh #tw #insomnia #life #sad girl

[mediaevalmusereads]

The Devil Comes Courting. By Courtney Milan. Self-Published (?), 2021.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, Worth Saga #3

Summary: Captain Grayson Hunter knows the battle to complete the first worldwide telegraphic network will be fierce, and he intends to win it by any means necessary. When he hears about a reclusive genius who has figured out how to slash the cost of telegraphic transmissions, he vows to do whatever it takes to get the man in his employ. Except the reclusive genius is not a man, and she’s not looking for employment. Amelia Smith was born in Shanghai, and taken in by English missionaries. She’s not interested in Captain Hunter’s promises or his ambitions. But the harder he tries to convince her, the more she realizes that there is something she wants from him: She wants everything. And she’ll have to crack the frozen shell he’s made of his heart to get it.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: graphic sexual content, racism (mostly microaggressions), references to child abduction

Overview: I'm a simple girl. I see a new Courtney Milan book, I read it. I was expecting this book to be good, but I wasn't expecting it to be so raw, emotional, and satisfying in almost every way. If I had to quibble, I would say that I would have liked to see a stronger focus on developing the romance, but as it stands, The Devil Comes Courting is an engaging read that deftly deals with topics such as colonialism, racism, grief, and family.

Writing: Milan's prose, as always, feels effortless while delivering a lot of information. It balances telling and showing well, and evokes a lot of emotion without feeling burdened by flowery language.

The only criticism I have is that in the first half of the book, there are some phrases that characters use that start to feel repetitive. It isn't a big deal, as they're supposed to be repeated (as a way for characters to remind themselves of things), but as a reader, I felt a little irritated. Luckily, this repetition clears up by the second half of the book, so if you also feel annoyed, you don't have to wait long.

Plot: The plot of this novel revolves around Grayson Hunter, a Black man intent on connecting China to America via a transpacific telegraph network, and Amelia Smith, a Chinese woman raised by an English missionary and who has invented a way to transmit Chinese characters via wire.

The first half of the book follows Grayson as he convinces Amelia to abandon her mother's plans to marry her off. Appealing to Amelia's ambition, he convinces her to come to Shanghai to work for him, all while building up her confidence and inspiring her. The second half more or less focuses on the development of the telegraph line as well as Amelia's longing for her Chinese mother, Grayson's obsession with work to avoid confronting his feelings of grief, and the budding relationship between the two.

I really loved this plot. It showed us Milan's nerdy interest in a topic (the telegraph line) while also exploring complex emotions connected to the history of colonialism. I loved how Milan handled Amelia's feelings of being torn between cultures, all without excusing the actions of those who participated in colonialism; despite Amelia having complicated reactions to her past, Milan does come down hard on what's right and doesn't try to redeem people who refuse to admit they have done wrong.

If I had any criticism of the plot, I think I would have personally liked to see arcs more strongly defined. There were some moments when I felt like I was just following characters in their day-to-day activities, and while some of it was interesting, there were times when I was wondering what larger goal the plot was heading towards. This is a minor criticism, however; because of the rich character exploration, I didn't mind following Amelia and Grayson, but if you're a plot person (rather than a character person), you may disagree.

Characters: I love how this book proves that you can have a historical romance about people of color without focusing on suffering.

Amelia, a Chinese woman raised by an English missionary, is quirky in that she's scatter-brained, bright, and kind. I loved that she was portrayed as incredibly smart and ambitious, and that her main character flaw was needing to believe in herself. I also loved how she wrestled with her feelings about her past - Amelia longs to meet her Chinese mother and ask why she left her, and I loved how Milan used that longing to fuel her desire to connect China to the rest of the world via wire.

Grayson, a Black man who obsesses over the telegraph wire as a way to avoid coming to terms with his brothers' deaths, is similarly likeable in that he's ambitious and kind. I loved that he was ruthless in pursuing Amelia (to work for him) but also respected her boundaries and let her make decisions for herself (rather than manipulating her into doing something). I loved the way Milan handled Grayson's grief and how his work on the telegraph was both a worthy project and an externalization of his character flaws.

Side characters were charming as well as helpful for facilitating Amelia's and Grayson's character arcs. Benedict, who is a character from the previous two Worth books, was quite adorable and had a nice little arc of his own. I think Benedict's arc complimented Amelia's and Grayson's well, though it will have more significance if you've read the first two books in the series. I also liked Amelia's adopted brother, Leland, whose arc explores and exposes the immorality of missionary work. Grayson's cousin, Zed, was also delightful in that he pushed Grayson to spend time with his family, which was important for exploring Grayson's complex feelings about his mother.

The book's antagonist (if we can really call her that) is Amelia's adoptive English missionary mother, who I think exhibits the right combination of genuine love for her child and toxic, manipulative behavior. I liked that Milan wrote this character so complexly because it helped explore nuances in the actions of individual colonists. The subtle racism (microaggressions, superiority complex, etc.) worked better, in my opinion, than overt racism (slurs, etc.) because they painted a more realistic and interesting picture of someone who believes she is doing good while actually doing a lot of harm.

Romance: In my opinion, the romance in this book was less interesting than the independent development of the characters. Don't get me wrong - I loved Amelia's and Grayson's interactions. I loved how they teased each other, I loved how Grayson inspired Amelia to believe in herself, and I loved how Amelia pushed Grayson to find happiness. I also very much enjoyed the little numbered letters that they wrote to each other and how their character arcs paralleled one another (both had to do with family).

But personally, I didn't feel like the romantic aspect of this relationship was passionate enough. I got the vibe that Amelia and Grayson were close confidantes rather than lovers - but it may be my own tastes or even unconscious bias, so I don't think readers should take this as a damning criticism.

I did appreciate, however, that the romance didn't fit the mold of a lot of other romances. Amelia never asks Grayson to change re: settling down, and both respect each other's boundaries. They also both don't want children, and neither of them face pressure to change their minds. As a result, this romance felt unique, and the fact that neither character was an upper class person in England helped a lot, too.

TL;DR: The Devil Comes Courting is a rich, evocative romance that explores colonialism, family, and grief without wallowing in misery. The unique, likeable characters on their own are enough to love this novel, but the deviation from romance genre norms (such as setting, social class, etc.) will surely satisfy readers looking to expand their horizons.

[whattodowithace]

Title: The Babysitter

Pairing: Byeongkwan x Reader

Writer: Whattodowithkpop [Lio]

Genre: Fluff; Slight Angst

Word Count: 2205

Summary: Byeongkwan took a job as a babysitter, but this wasn’t what he was expecting to happen.

A/N: This is based off the Kdrama ‘My Little Baby’. It’s not exactly dad!ace but I hope you enjoy it none the less.

*****

"Bold of you to assume I'm cut out for this." Byeongkwan glares at Jun, holding an ad in his hand seeking help for a babysitter.

"You need the job, plus you're like a kid yourself, you'll do fine." Jun laughs at the deadpan expression on Byeongkwan's face.

Jun was right. Byeongkwan needed the job, and Jun happened to know someone who was in search of a babysitter. Byeongkwan had never babysat anything in his life, but when you’re pinched for cash you’ll take anything.

“Fine.” Byeongkwan agrees, smoothing out the paper in his hands to read the details.

Byeongkwan dialed the number nervously, doubts upon doubts entering his mind. The phone rang a few times, Byeongkwan letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding in, thinking he'd luck out without having to actually respond.

Unfortunately for him, she picked up on the last ring, a soft, feminine voice saying hello over the line. Byeongkwan's throat dried suddenly, nerves surging through him.

Jun nods his head at the younger, his eyes wide as he told him to speak through gestures.

The phone's voice asks if anyone was there.

"Yes!" Byeongkwan blurts out, wincing at his own voice. "Sorry, I was just calling about the babysitting ad."

"Oh yes!" She exclaims through the phone. "That's great. Can we set up an interview?"

Byeongkwan took a moment to respond, shocked at her forwardness. "Sure.. Yea, that's fine." He stutters.

The woman introduces herself, asking for his name.

"My name is Byeongkwan." He smiles, feeling more comfortable the more he talks with her, realizing she truly was as nice as Jun said she was. "I'm a friend of Park Junhee."

"Little Park Junhee?" She squeals in excitement, making Byeongkwan laugh.

"He's not so little." Byeongkwan smirks at Jun who looks at him with a shocked expression.

She laughs, bringing Byeongkwan back to her. "That's great! I'll text you after I get off work and we can work out an interview time."

"Okay, that sounds good." Byeongkwan agrees, the pair saying their goodbyes before hanging up.

"That sounded good!" Jun cheers as the two boys continue walking to meet up with the rest of the group.

"I hope the interview goes well." Byeongkwan nods.

Jun gives him a look, an eyebrow raised. "You were so hesitant just a minute ago."

Byeongkwan rolls his eyes. "Mothers are usually very strict and terrifying when it comes to their kids, of course I was nervous. But she sounds nice!"

Jun nods, his thoughts running wild as they approached their destination.

~

Byeongkwan received a text from his new possible employer. A time for an interview that he was currently waiting at as his hands rubbed together nervously.

He hadn't met the mom or the child he'd be babysitting, which only made his nerves worse as he knocked on the apartment door. He hears a faint 'I'm coming' before loud footsteps approach the door. The door swings to reveal a young woman, a woman much younger than Byeongkwan was prepared for.

"You must be Byeongkwan." She smiles warmly as she invites him in.

Byeongkwan's nerves skyrocket as he walks into the apartment.

"It's nice to meet you." Byeongkwan bows. "In.. In person, I mean."

She giggles at his nervousness, offering him a drink and inviting him to sit down. He does watching her as she prepared some water for the both of them.

"I have to confess." She starts as she sits next to him, handing him a glass. "I called Junhee's sister to ask about you. She and Junhee both had only good things to say about you."

"Oh." Byeongkwan nods, sipping his water lightly.

"They said you're really good with kids." She says. "Haneul is really a good kid, I wouldn't ask someone to watch him if he wasn't."

"I'm glad to hear that." Byeongkwan smiles. "Can I meet him?"

"He's not home right now." She tells him. "He's with his dad this weekend."

Byeongkwan nodded.

"How about we talk about the job some more?" She asks, Byeongkwan agreeing.

The two discuss terms and requirements for some time. Byeongkwan was surprised how forward she was, telling him she wanted someone that would stay a long time so that Haneul wouldn't have to get used to different sitters. She was generous about it and kind with all of Byeongkwan's concerns. With each question asked and answered, the likelihood of him getting hired skyrocketed. And by the end of the interview, that's exactly what happened.

"Byeongkwan." She catches his attention just before he leaves. "Thank you so much, I really appreciate it."

Byeongkwan smiles, some small amounts of excitement bubbling through him. "Of course."

~

It really didn't take long for Byeongkwan and Haneul to get close. Haneul was as good as his mom said he was, hardly ever giving Byeongkwan trouble. The two of them would play around a lot. Byeongkwan worried Hanuel's mom would get upset the first time she came home and they were messing around with nerf guns. However, she just laughed and made the two dinner. Overall, the dynamics of all relationships were good. Byeongkwan and Haneul got along and played until she got home, she often made them both dinner and Byeongkwan was able to have good conversations with her. Everything had been pleasant and happy! Until the day the papers came.

Haneul's parents were still married up to this point, but the day she received the divorce papers was a glum day. Byeongkwan didn't know much about Haneul's dad, but he knew every time she talked to him she would grow sad and distant. Byoengkwan knew he probably shouldn't have felt a twinge of anger, but he did every time he heard about Haneul's dad.

He hated seeing her and Haneul sad. He hated that the father made them sad. It wasn't until the papers came that he realized how much he started to care for the two of them. As he watched her wipe away the stray tears that fell from her eyes his heart twisted in hurt and anger. Byeongkwan was angry that her ex husband had made her cry. He did his best to distract Haneul from seeing his mom upset, continuing the game of battleship they had started. He was playing the game, but his mind wasn't fully focused on it. He watched as she made dinner, her shoulders slumped as she continually ran her fingers through her hair. Byeongkwan had the sudden urge to comfort her and tell her it was going to be okay. But he was just the babysitter, there was nothing he could do except try to keep Haneul occupied and happy.

She made a quick dinner, not feeling up to making the long meal she usually did. She ate quietly, only speaking when she wanted to keep Haneul conversing about his day. She smiled at him, but Byeongkwan saw the sadness behind it.

They ate quickly before she asked Haneul to go play with the kids across the hall. Haneul nodded as he went, it was often that he went to play with them after dinner, so it was nothing out of the ordinary. She waited before Haneul closed the door before she sighed heavily.

"You don't have to say anything." Byeongkwan breaks the silence, watching some small tears fall over her cheeks.

"Sorry you had to see me cry." She laughs quietly, hoping to lighten the situation.

"It's okay." Byeongkwan tentatively reaches a hand out to her hand, holding it gently. "It's stressful, don't feel bad for crying."

She was able to keep from sobbing, but she was exhausted and Byeongkwan could tell.

"I wanted to ask if you could watch Haneul on Saturday." She starts, looking into his eyes. His heart breaking as he saw them filled with tears. "That's the court date."

"Of course I can watch him." Byoengkwan nods, smiling widely in the hopes it would make her feel better.

"You've been a life saver, Byeongkwan." She looks down laughing again to keep from crying.

Byeongkwan's heart picks up speed at her words as she wipes the tears away.

"Haneul adores you." She looks up with a tearful smile.

"I adore him too." Byeongkwan admits, his mouth wanting to say he adored her as well, but knew it wasn't the time for that.

She smiles a genuine smile. "I'm glad."

~

That had been weeks ago. It wasn't the last time Byeongkwan witnessed her tears and with each one that fell, his heart fell harder for her. His anger grew hotter against the man that used to be her husband when he stated he wanted nothing to do with Haneul. Haneul was saddened, but he was okay. Unbeknownst to Byeongkwan, Haneul liked Byeongkwan more and was more worried of him leaving him than his dad.

Byeongkwan wasn't going to leave, though. He wanted to protect them both. He grew to love them, but he was worried it would only complicate things. Not only was he younger than her, but he was the babysitter.

He had vented to Jun about it hundreds of times, Byeongkwan frustrated about the whole thing. Jun always told him the same thing.

"If you don't make a move you'll regret it forever."

"But when is the right time?"

Byeongkwan still didn't know the answer to that question. He had hoped the right moment would present itself, but it never did. He feared he would never make his move because he was too cowardice.

~

It was a late evening, one like countless others they had spent together. The three were eating dinner, Haneul telling his mom about his day as usual. It was no secret where Haneul had gotten his boldness from, his mom had exhibited it on countless occasions. But neither one of them were prepared for the bold statement that came from his mouth.

"I had fun today, Dad." His eyes trained on Byeongkwan.

Byeongkwan's eyes widened as Haneul's stared into them.

"Hanel l, I'm... not your... dad." Byeongkwan stated carefully, hoping not to hurt his feelings in any way.

"I know." Haneul nods, a wide smile on his face. "But, you treat me like the other dads treat their kids."

Byeongkwan looks up to her, his face held a shocked expression as his gaze fluttered between the two.

She stared at Byeongkwan, a thousand feelings rushing over her. She had never payed much attention to how Byeongkwan had treated Haneul, she just knew they got along. But after Haneul's statement, she begin to look back, recognizing the signs. Her mind ran a mile a minute as it processed Haneul's words and Byeongkwans actions up to this point. Now when she looked at Byeongkwan, her heart picked up, joy flooding to it as she realized how wonderful he had been not only to Haneul, but to her also.

"Haneul honey, do you want to play with the kids across the hall?" She asks him, her eyes only leaving Byeongkwan for a second.

Haneul sighs as he gets off his chair. "I know why you send me there after dinner." He trudges to the door, his final statement causing Byeongkwan to choke on air and for her to gasp. "I know what moms and dads do together."

Haneul closes the door, leaving the two in an awkward silence.

It's a few moments before she breaks it. "I don't know where that came from."

"It's fine." Byeongkwan waves his hands in front of him frantically.

Byeongkwan's eyes drop to his lap where he twiddles his thumbs. She watches him quietly, trying to find her next words.

"You treat Haneul like your own son." She states, Byeongkwan lifting his head to look into her eyes.

"He's a really good kid." Byeongkwan admits with a small smile. "I hope I have a son like him one day."

"And you treat me..." She continues, Byeongkwan tensing as he waits for her next words with baited breath. "You treat me like a loving husband would treat his wife."

Byeongkwan gulps nervously, his eyes darting back to his hands.

"Why didn't I notice sooner?" She asks herself, a smile breaking out on her face.

She stands to approach Byeongkwan, grabbing his face gently to make him look at her.

"Why didn't I notice sooner?" She whispers as she looks down at Byeongkwan.

"You... I just..." Byeongkwan stumbles over his words, his voice shaky as he feels the warmth of her hands cover his cheeks.

"I want to protect you. Both of you."

She smiles at him, bringing his lips to hers in a soft kiss, first of many to come for the couple.

~

The woman from across the hall welcomes the young boy into her home, her own sons coming out to play with him.

"My mom and dad are at it again." He states dramatically.

"Mom and dad?" The mother asks with confusion, knowing about her neighbors recent divorce.

"Yea, they're doing what mom and dads do." He sighs, again, dramatically.

"What do moms and dads do?" She asks him, her confusion only growing.

He leans on his tip toes, beckoning her down with his hand.

"They kiss." He whispers in her ear, going off to play with his friends.

#ace #ace byeongkwan #ace x reader #ace imagine #ace fanfic #a.c.e #a.c.e x reader #a.c.e imagine #a.c.e byeongkwan #a.c.e fanfiction #kpop #kpop fanfiction #fanfiction #Byeongkwan #whattodowithkpopwritings

[bob-artist]

Hey Bob, I hope your doing ok! I was thinking before (and I don't wanna come off as rude or try to stick my nose in your financial business) what if you brought back the tracking ads? Would that help at all? I'm definitely more concerned about your health and that should come first, but I remember what you said about patrons this month so I was just wondering. (If I'm overstepping my boundaries in anyway u don't have to answer) FEEL BETTER!!

I wasn’t going to answer publicly, but I think I probably should.

Thanks for the message, and don’t worry, you’re not coming off as rude.  Losing the ad money sucks, but it isn’t enough to make or break the comic.  It’s just another financial blow like the many others I’ve been dealt this year.  At least now, unlike before, I can somewhat afford to lose it.

I was unhappy with the ads for awhile.  I don’t trust or approve of the way tech companies handle people’s personal data, so I don’t want to perpetuate something I don’t believe in.  When I first started using Google ads in 2011, it didn’t seem like as big a deal as it has over the past year or two.  But things are different now.  Like, I’ve still seen Cambridge-Analytica-style fake news ads sneak in by being mis-categorized, and I don’t want any part of that. 

The ad situation doesn’t have anything to do with the hiatus.  Part of my need to step back is just my own health.  As of now, and thanks to lots of effort and maintenance, I’ve gone the longest I’ve ever gone since I was 14 without a major chronic health episode - 4 years for something that’s usually at least annual.  But I’ve also felt like I've been hanging by a thread for almost all of the past year.  Minor setbacks are getting increasingly difficult to endure.  Every day is just a struggle to keep things up and running, and to make sure I’m only failing at one or two things a day instead of failing at every single thing (which is what happens during a full-blown episode).  Right now, I need to fail at the comic for a while so I can keep the rest of my life running.

My health issues are the reason I have to be self-employed, and the flexibility of self-employment is the reason I’ve been able to hold off an episode for 4 years.  I’m hoping my readers and patrons will give me the flexibility that my former day job didn’t, but if my readers would rather move onto other things, I can accept that and move onto other things too.  I’ll still be posting creative content to Patreon in the meantime (like I said, I’m trying to only fail at one or two things), but it just won’t necessarily be DOTU stuff.

But there are also some long-term issues with the comic itself that won’t be fixed by a hiatus or by better health.  I’ll put the rest of this under a cut, but you don’t really need to read it.  It’s pretty long.

I’ve been looking at the overall health - and long-term health - of the comic, including stuff like reader and patron retention and engagement since switching to 2 and 3 pages per month.  These things were great at 5 pages per month, but my finances and health weren’t great because I was working literally nonstop at less than minimum wage.  Now that I'm making a better page rate and have more room for good freelance, my finances are better, but growth of the comic is worse.  (I knew this would happen, which is why I always push so hard to get back to faster updates.)

When I get into a scene that no one cares about, it means I have to work for months before I can get back out of that scene, and it’s a motivation killer because I feel like there’s no purpose behind the hours of work I’m pouring in when I can be doing equally unimportant corporate freelance for 5x the pay.  And that also means there’s months-long stretches where readers aren’t excited enough about the comic to want to share it, which also affects growth.  It feels like we’ve been in this state of disinterest ever since the start of chapter 4, which was nearly a year ago.

Pacing is one of the most important things about webcomics.  Without it, it’s impossible to gain momentum.  But I don’t have a working spouse or a lucrative low-effort day job, and I live in an area with one of the highest costs of living in the US, plus I have chronic health stuff.  There are people out there who can live on what I’m currently making on Patreon, but not here in Cook County, and not with my situation.  So there’s a limit to how much comic work I can do.

It feels horrible to know that I’m being given more than the vast majority of self-published non-porn webcomickers on Patreon, and *still* having trouble continuing.  But I can only do what I can afford to do, and if that isn’t enough to maintain the health of the comic, then I need to keep doing my corporate freelance while I think of other alternatives.  Here are some of the things I’m considering:

-Making the comic patrons-only until I have enough of a backlog to post 6 months or 1 year of weekly (or 5x monthly) public pages. (This would mean a public hiatus of like 9 months or more.)

-Working on other projects that provide cross-promotional opportunities, or that, if successful enough, I would do instead of DOTU. (for example, doing more traditionally published novels or a more marketable comic.)  I don’t want to quit DOTU, but if the excitement and buzz around it is gone, then I need to consider other options.

-Putting less effort into DOTU pages so I can finish them faster. (the problem is I’d have to put in a *lot* less effort to make a real difference, and at that point I’d probably be unhappy enough with my work to not want to show it to anyone.)

-Changing DOTU to an illustrated prose format so I’m able to get through the story faster. (This will make a lot of readers drop out, but it’s something I’d consider before ditching the comic entirely)

-Hoping I feel better after the hiatus, and then just continuing as usual until my next existential crisis :/

As with last October, I’m making more from DOTU than I can afford to abruptly lose, so I’ll probably choose the last option for now and make my long-term plans in the background based on how it goes after I start posting again.

#replies #long post #genericbl0gger

[panreivonreyes]

Hi! I'm sorry if this is an inappropriate question, but you're someone who I look up to and I'd like your input. I've been learning about autism and how it presents itself in women and I think I might be on the spectrum. In your opinion what are the benefits of being professionally evaluated? I think it might help me feel more ok with who I am, but I'm also afraid that it could cause a lot of stress because of the stories I've read about professionals who don't think adult women can be autistic.

First off, not inappropriate at all! I’m always open to talking about this kind of stuff, especially if there’s a chance that sharing my experiences can help other people! Also, thank you very much for your kind words, It means a lot to me, truly.

This is going to be on the long side, so under a cut it goes!

I’ll start off with a disclaimer that my situation was a bit different from yours, and so there will be things that applied to my situation and not to yours, and vice versa, but I’ll do my best to give you as complete an overview as I can, and one that will hopefully be useful to other people in similar situations who might stumble across this?

First off, the big thing, as you mentioned, is the impact on how you feel about yourself. For me, it was interesting because neither me or my parents had ever considered the possibility I might be autistic until we were sat down by the team at the outpatient mental health centre I was attending at the time, who told us that they suspected I might be autistic, and gave us some reading material to look at, along with some assessments I’d done for them, and we all sat there and went through it and then they asked us if we thought they were right.

So, for me, the diagnosis was unexpected, and came with a lot of information that made a lot of my life experiences suddenly make a lot more sense in hindsight. You probably already have all that, now that you have a tentative self-diagnosis. Things you used to blame yourself for might be feeling less like your fault, and you might be starting to gain a clearer understanding of why some things played out the way they did. This is a really great and valuable thing, and can be incredibly helpful in learning to be kinder to yourself.

From that perspective, the value of a professional diagnosis really lies in the confirmation and validation of what you already know. It makes it harder for you to doubt yourself, because it’s proof that someone else sees it too, that you didn’t make it up, that you’re not just making excuses for yourself. If you’re someone who doesn’t tend to struggle with those kinds of thoughts, you won’t get as much value from that, but I know for myself, having a professional diagnosis has been excellent evidence to present to myself any time I get a bit imposter syndrome-y about it. 

On a related note, it can also serve a similar purpose with any family or friends you might want to share this information about yourself with. Some people (like my dad, for example), really struggle to accept this kind of information unless it’s been ‘verified’ by a ‘professional’. A professional diagnosis can in that way be a helpful tool for gaining better support and understanding from the people around you. Having your difficulties accepted as valid by the people around you can really make such a difference to your day to day life.

Another big thing, of course, is that if you’re currently in (or were ever to return to) education, a professional diagnosis can make it so much easier to access supports and accommodations from your educational institution. It may even be able to help you get into the course you want, as depending on where you live and where you want to study, there may be a disability access track (eg: Ireland’s DARE program) or other scheme to even out the playing field.

Depending on local laws, a professional diagnosis may be able to give you certain workplace protections, such as providing an entitlement to accommodations, or protection from harassment and unfair dismissal.

Depending on your location and personal situation, a professional diagnosis can make it possible to get government assistance (without it I wouldn’t have my weekly Disability Allowance payments, or my Free Travel Pass, or Medical Card. Without those, I’d have no chance at all of moving out of my parents’ house. With them, it’s within the realm of possibility).

So, as you can see, there’s a lot to potentially gain, depending on your particular circumstances. There are, however, also some potential downsides.

These are all very location dependent, and most of these examples are probably from America, but it will hopefully give you some ideas of things you might want to research local laws on, to see how they might affect you.

Privacy. If you have a diagnosis, you may be required to share that information with people whether you want to or not (eg: employers)

If you ever wanted to move to another country, it is possible they might use your diagnosis as grounds to refuse to grant you a visa (the only example that comes to mind is a case where a family was refused a Canadian visa because their autistic child was judged to be too big a drain on Canadian resources, but it’s worth mentioning.)

In the US, many disabled people are subject to a significantly lower minimum wage than the general population. I don’t know a whole lot about the details, but you may want to look into this if you think it could affect you.

Given the current uncertain situation regarding healthcare in the US, you may want to consider that Trumpcare proposals listed autism as a pre-existing condition, and therefore a professional diagnosis could affect the availability and price of health insurance.

If you’ve ever considered fostering or adopting children in the future, you may want to check if an autism diagnosis could interfere with those plans.

I know that probably feels like a lot of stuff to research and consider and weigh up, so please, take your time with it, be gentle with yourself, there’s no rush.

If, after all that, you’re leaning towards a professional evaluation, here’s some things you might want to consider.

It is possible that the evaluation experience might be stressful or unpleasant. (It might not be. Mine wasn’t at all, though, as I mentioned, I wasn’t aware I was being evaluated for anything in particular at the time). For more details about that, you might want to check out the posts linked here. It includes a bunch of autistic people talking about their experiences being tested, particularly what parts they found stressful or difficult and why, some tips on ways to reframe the experience to help make it less stressful or unpleasant, and some commentary I wrote about the potentially triggering aspects of the report that will be produced, intended to help people decide if they want to read their own report, and to prepare them for what they might find if they do so. If you’re not familiar with that blog, you might like to read through more of their posts. They have some really great content and discussions on a variety of topics, a very inclusive and non-presumptuous attitude, and everything is very comprehensively tagged. It’s a fantastic resource. 

You are absolutely right that many doctors who deal with autism are...shall we say “less than open-minded”? I have dealt with such doctors in the past, and it is absolutely a very stressful and frustrating experience. In such situations, I believe it is best to know exactly what you want from them, stay focused on that, come prepared with any materials or research you have that may support your case, and stand your ground for as long as you can bear to. If it gets to be too much, move on and find another doctor. It may be frustrating, it may be exhausting, it may be disheartening, but if you truly believe you are autistic, and you truly believe you want a professional diagnosis, then I urge you to not let some ignorant asshole doctors stand in your way. Try to remember that you will not have to deal with them forever, that this is a temporary situation, that you’re just using them to get a diagnosis and as soon as you have that you can walk away and never have to deal with them again! It may be painful in the short term, but that won’t last forever, and if you’ve decided that the benefits of a professional diagnosis are worth having, then you’ll be benefiting from those for the entire rest of your life, and you deserve to have that!

Looking back over this, at times it may sound like I’m trying to discourage you from getting a professional evaluation. To be clear, I’m not. In my personal experience, having an official diagnosis has been very helpful, both in personal/mental/emotional terms and in practical ones, and I very much believe that people should have one, if it is at all possible and isn’t likely to result in negative consequences. I just want to do my best to provide you with as much potentially relevant information as possible, so that you have the ability to make an informed decision about what’s right for you.

Whatever you choose, I hope it works out well for you, and thank you for trusting me with this and giving me the opportunity to try and help! Hopefully this was helpful and not too overwhelming, and if you’ve any more questions or anything, you are absolutely welcome to send them to me!

#actuallyautistic #asd stuff #asks #anonymous #tumblr please do not fuck up publishing this i spent too much time on it for you to lose it #anon

[bedeliadumaurier]

(1) I really hope I'm not overstepping, and of course you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I have a question about depression and work. I thought you'd be able to help me. I'm an office manager in a small office and one of my employees has been out sick going on 2 months now. She's too tired to wake up, virtually comatose she said. Her illness was undiagnosed this whole time, and she said she was going to several doctors to try to find out the problem.

(2) Yesterday she called and said she now thinks it’s depression. She tries to come in to work everyday, but by around 10 a.m. she’ll call and say she can’t come in. It’s been like this for 2 months, I want her to know that she doesn’t need to force herself to come in, and I don’t want her to feel pressured or guilty. I want her to allow herself to take the time she needs. How do I do that? What should I say to her? I’ve told her about medical leave and TDI, but I know she still feels guilty.

(3) I’m wondering if she just thinks of me as just an employer, and I want to reach out to her on a more personal level. I know the pressure and the guilt is probably making everything worse for her, but we’re going to hire a temp for the time being. I’m not sure if telling her that will make her feel like she’s unwanted and being replaced? Or will it relieve some of the pressure and guilt? Thank you for listening and sorry for this long message.

–

Hi, don’t worry you’re definitely not overstepping; I really don’t mind talking about mental health things even as it relates to my own personal experience because I think it helps all of us to be candid about it! Of course I’m not a professional, but I can give you some advice from my own experience.

(going under a cut because this is a long answer!)

First of all I think it’s wonderful that you want to help her. A lot of employers still have very little understanding or sympathy when it comes to depression and other mental illnesses, so this girl is truly lucky to have you. And as far as her seeing you as “just an employer” I wouldn’t worry about that too much; you don’t know what kind of family/friend support she has, and speaking for myself I wish someone at my office had cared about me enough to reach out like you are. 

I think one of the biggest inherent difficulties with depression is that it’s very hard for depressed people to ask for help, even when they know they need it. There’s a lot of guilt, embarrassment, and a whole laundry list of reasons for it as I’m sure you’re beginning to see with this girl already.  To give you an idea of how this played out for me: I tried to continue working for about four months after I was officially diagnosed with depression. I did disclose to a supervisor and our office manager that I had been diagnosed and was on antidepressants, etc., and we did generally talk about the possibility of me going on short-term sick leave, but after those initial discussions neither of them really followed up with me. They left it to me to approach them with any problems or to officially make a decision about that. That might have been fine with any other employee under “normal” circumstances, but since my depression was so severe I sort of just…gave up and let things continue to get worse. 

In hindsight, I wish so badly that someone had kept tabs on me more closely, but even more so I wish that someone had quite frankly just taken the decision out of my hands entirely. I wish someone had come up to me and said, “look, here’s the plan: we’re gonna work together to sort out your workload and figure out who we can pass each file/project off to, and once we wind things down you’re gonna go get yourself healthy again so you can come back and keep working for us for a long time, because we don’t want to lose you.”  But no one did that, or anything close to that. When you’re depressed you need someone to throw you a lifeline because when you’re too depressed to get out of bed most days you’re not going to speak up and tell your boss you need to go on sick leave and could someone please take care of your work while you’re gone. That’s just like, not within most people’s capabilities when they’re depressed?? You mostly just want to curl up into yourself and disappear all the time. Someone coming to me with an action plan to which I could have just said “okay yeah you’re right, sounds good” and gone home would have saved my ass. 

And like, my office manager, who is also very kind and lovely, told me to keep in touch while I was on leave, and I literally told her, “honestly please call me once in a while because I’m probably never going to take initiative and call you because I’m a depressed piece of shit!!” (in so many words lol). And she does! She’ll call or email me every few weeks or so and we’d go for lunch and it gets me out of the house and it’s great! I think having someone else sort of take charge of the situation is so, so helpful when you’re depressed, so I wouldn’t be afraid to sort of err on the side of…gently forcing this girl’s hand a bit? It’s sort of helpful to do what you might think is slightly “overstepping” when it comes to depressed people! At least in my experience. My best friends know when i’m really down they have to be like “okay, I’m coming over and I’m bringing pizza” because “hey are you okay do you need anything?” is just going to be answered with “yeah i’m fine thanks!”  while I stay in bed for another day and don’t eat, you know?? I think most depressed people will tell you they’d welcome a bit of babysitting/hand-holding from people they trust. 

And I think knowing that a temp can easily hold down the fort for her for a few months or whatever while she gets better will be a relief. When I had a huge breakdown and was pretty much forced to go on medical leave, the biggest thing I felt was relief in knowing that my work obligations were taken care of and I didn’t have to think about them anymore. I think as long as you emphasize that you’re bringing in a temp because you want her to be able to focus on her health and get better so you don’t lose her in the long run, any slight feeling that she’s being “replaced” will be FAR outweighed by that sense of relief. 

Like, my line of work is very personal and you get really invested in it (messy child custody cases and stuff like that), and I can say that even then I didn’t even feel guilty or worry about those cases after I went on medical leave and knew they were all being taken care of by other people. All I felt was relief, and that relief allowed me to focus on myself and my health. So if I can feel that way in those circumstances I’d be willing to bet this girl will feel the same way and will appreciate having a way out. 

Anyway sorry for the long rambly response, but I definitely relate to what this girl is going through in trying to work with depression and I hope this helps you understand things! I think the bottom line is don’t be afraid to reach out and to even err on the side of doing what you think might be just a little bit pushy/overstepping, because that sort of relief from responsibility and stress is exactly what you need when you’re depressed. Thank you for messaging me and for your kindness, and I wish you and this girl both all the best :) 

#Anonymous