#i was 18 and crying in the convention bathroom and she asked if i was ok | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cake-writes · 4 years

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No Vacancy (2/5)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Story Warnings: Both Bucky and Reader are gonna get kind of dark in this, so… Dark Fic (I guess?), Very Dubious Consent, Somnophilia (sex with a sleeping partner – and it’s gonna be more than once), Breeding Kink, Rough Sex, Angry Sex, Hair-Pulling, Choking, Spanking, Degradation, Visible Marks, Breathplay, Throatfucking, Restraints, Masturbation, Angst, Anxiety, Feels, Mutual Pining, VERY OBVIOUSLY 18+

Summary: You and Bucky have been on so many missions together, you’ve lost count. How is it that you’ve never shared a bed until now?

A/N: this chapter was supposed to be about half this long and contain the next chapter’s plot, but now the next chapter is going to involve a POV shift so tl;dr yeah idk what i’m even doing anymore 🤷 LOL enjoy!!! *nervous laughter* what the fuck

Part One / Master List

In the soft fleece of his sweatpants, he feels… sticky. Strange. Off, and Bucky realizes, then, that he must have had a wet dream.

Shit.

It’s his first realization upon waking. The second is that you’re already up; the sheets beside him are long cold, and he can hear the shower running, water splattering unevenly against tile as you wash away yesterday’s road trip. Too many hours cooped up in a stuffy beater, but the two of you have been on so many missions together now that it’s commonplace. Normal.

He’s more used to being with you than by himself anymore.

The two of you drove to the middle of nowhere for this mission, and by the time he pulled into town – a little after 1 in the morning – the only motel was already fully booked, save for a single room with a queen bed. Some wellness convention in town, apparently, and a whole thirty attendees by the looks of things, but you just took the room keys with a shrug and a smile.

“We’ll manage. Right?”

“Yeah,” came his answer, automatic, but it felt wrong to share a bed with you because it’s more than that for him. The way he always trails behind you like a lost puppy dog, like when you made your way back outside to grab your bags – it’s obvious.

He wants this.

You don’t.

And now, the very thought of you wet and naked in the shower makes him uncomfortably hard. He can picture it so easily because his mind’s already done the dirty work for him. What should have been a nightmare last night, a vivid memory of one of Hydra’s breeding experiments from decades past – well, it wasn’t so bad this time. It felt real. It felt good, and he can only assume that’s because you were in it.

A nameless face replaced by yours, gasping, wanting, begging for more, begging him to breed you, to fill you, to make you his – it’s a fantasy he’s kept under lock and key for far too long.

It’s difficult enough having to share a bed with you, so why the hell did he have to dream about that now?

You make him feel things he shouldn’t. You always have.

The shower shuts off, then, and Bucky quickly pulls himself out of bed to hide the evidence of his crime. White-stained sweats are discarded in favour of a fresh pair, just in time for you to pull open the bathroom door, one towel tucked taut around your body and another for your hair.

You stop in your tracks when you see that he’s awake. It’s a longer pause than necessary, and he feels the heat bloom in his cheeks as you stare at him. The way you study his face makes him nervous, makes him feel like you know what he’s done: that he’s dreamt of you, that he’s made a mess because of you.

It’s embarrassing. It’s humiliating.

At least until you offer him a casual, “Morning, Bucky,” and make your way to your suitcase.

Maybe he’s thinking too much. Nothing’s changed.

“Morning,” he responds, but his throat is dry. He wants to ask how you slept, half to ascertain that you don’t know and half because he’s genuinely curious, but he doesn’t ask. He’s too nervous.

“Shower’s free,” you say, turning away from him to rifle through your things for a change of clothes.

And of course Bucky’s eyes lock onto the exposed skin of your shoulders and back because he just can’t help himself, not when he’s feeling like this, and he watches a droplet of water roll from the nape of your neck to beneath your towel – right next to a couple of freckles he swears he saw in his dream, the very dream where he fucked the breath out of you and filled you with cum until you couldn’t take anymore. But not for lack of trying.

Christ.

“Yeah,” Bucky rasps, tearing his eyes away just seconds before you turn back around, t-shirt and jeans in hand. “Okay. Thanks.”

He won’t look at you again. He can’t.

He shouldn’t think about you like this. He shouldn’t want you like this.

So he escapes into the steamy room, because he’s just about ready to jump out of his own skin. The door shuts behind him with a soft click, and the sound comes as a small comfort; it’s a barrier, almost, one that’s quickly forgotten when he sees your toiletries on the benchtop and in the shower.

He’s surrounded by you.

He’s suffocating.

The shower leaves Bucky feeling a lot more refreshed.

Ropes of sticky white wash down the drain along with his worries, and he already feels better. Clearer. Even if it’s wrong to imagine you that way, it still takes the edge off – lets him concentrate more on the mission than you, which is the entire reason the two of you are here.

Problem is, he feels like god damned teenager.

What the hell is wrong with him?

“What’s the plan for today?” he asks you, towelling dry his hair with one hand. He’s still shirtless – pulled on a pair of black jeans a minute ago, but he hasn’t yet grabbed a shirt out of his duffel because he’d rather try for a proper conversation with you. Try to make things feel normal again.

This is commonplace, he has to remind himself. Casual.

You’ve shared a room before, a fact only further proven when you glance up at him from the notebook in your lap and barely bat an eyelash. You’re sitting on the bed with your legs crossed, going over the mission notes and putting together a list of potential leads just like you always do.

“Breakfast,” you answer. “I did a little light reading while you were in the shower.” That’s when you hold up a pamphlet with the motel’s branding on it for emphasis. “Free muffins, see? All you can eat.”

Nothing’s changed. You’re the same as ever.

Bucky snorts. “How bad do you think their coffee is?”

“Oh, it’s gonna be awful,” you say with a grin, tossing the pamphlet back down onto the bed. “Come on, hurry up. I’m starving.”

“Muffins aren’t gonna fill you up, you know,” he teases, reaching around you for the pamphlet. He wants to check if it mentions any specific brand of coffee or if he’ll be drinking dirt today.

Not that it matters, because that’s when you do react; it’s barely noticeable, but you flinch.

Not normal.

A shaky breath escapes your lips.

“After breakfast, we should stop by the pharmacy,” you try continue on with the day’s itinerary like nothing’s wrong, like you didn’t just jump because he got too close, but he can discern the slight tremble in your voice.

You’re scared. Even Bucky can see it.

“Why?”

It’s a question he doesn’t want you to answer. Not really.

When you look up at him again, there’s some emotion there – something unreadable. It’s like you want to say something, maybe, but you don’t. Instead you clear your throat and give him the obvious excuse: “I’m not feeling too great today. Gonna grab some cold meds.”

A lie.

And then you shift to squeeze your thighs together, before you hop up from the bed entirely – up and away from him.

“Alright,” Bucky acquiesces, but it’s only out of respect for you that he does.

You’ve never done that before.

You’ve never lied to his face like that before.

You’ve never been scared of him before. Not like that.

He should know; he’s gotten close to you a lot, probably too often if he’s honest with himself, but it’s not like anyone’s actually keeping track except for him. The two of you have played newlyweds and siblings and all sorts of stupid roles together on undercover gigs; he’s had his arm around you, had his body up against yours, even, and you’ve never, ever reacted that way.

Why now?

As Bucky pulls a shirt over his head, he catches you watching him in the mirror. There’s something dark about the look in your eyes that unsettles him, but it feels even worse when you look away.

Bucky opens the door to the guest services office for you, and when you walk in, he gently places his hand on your lower back like he’s done a number of times before. This time, however, it’s a test.

You don’t react. You don’t even blink.

Maybe he’s thinking too much. Again.

It’s been raining for a while, judging by the number of puddles in the ill-maintained parking lot and the bucket catching water in the foyer of the office. Bucky finds himself thinking that the two of you might have gotten lucky with your room; no leaks yet, but his mind is still stuck on other matters.

Maybe you really aren’t feeling well. Maybe that’s all it is.

The office smells even more damp and dusty this morning than it did last night. It makes his nose wrinkle.

“This place is a real mess, isn’t it?” you whisper under your breath, eyes alight with mischief as you peer up at him in the dim lighting. You’re so close that the sweet scent of your shampoo cuts through the mustiness like a balm.

His brows raise in amusement. “Think it’s worse than the Ozarks?”

It’s an inside joke the two of you share: the worst place you’ve been on a mission together.

You chew your lip as you consider the question; then, “Close.”

“Good morning,” comes a cheery voice from the reception desk, and Bucky looks over to find a new face there, a plump older woman smiling at him. She’s a far cry from the pimpled teenage boy who gave you the keys last night, the one who checked out your cleavage in the process.

Not that you noticed, because the look Bucky shot him was enough to make him stop.

“Morning, ma’am,” he greets pleasantly. “We’re here for breakfast.” An elbow nudges him in the ribs, prompting him to clarify in annoyance, “The muffins.”

She nods. “Of course! Follow me.”

As she leads the two of you to the breakfast room – back through a hallway behind the reception desk, because that’s not weird at all – Bucky mouths, “Really?” at you over his shoulder.

You just give him an innocent little shrug in return, like you didn’t elbow him in the ribs. Then you gesture to the long hallway and mouth back, “What the hell?”

Now it’s his turn to shrug. The two of you have stayed in your fair share of dives, but this place is in a class of its own. It’s bizarre, and the breakfast room is even worse: tiny, with a shoddy plastic table set up on one side, opposite an empty wall covered in paintings that are probably older than he is. There’s also nowhere to sit, because the room’s too small for that.

Thankfully, the muffins do look appealing. They’re large and varied and stacked high on two serving platters, and he has to wonder how many of the guests actually take up the motel on their offer. A quick check of his watch indicates that it’s a little after eight; maybe the two of you are just the first to arrive.

“Enjoy,” says the woman – Bucky glimpses her nametag, then, which reads Judy – and after he offers her a nod in thanks, she heads back down the hallway to the front desk.

“Thank you,” you call out behind her, awkwardly, and he stifles a laugh.

This room – or should he say closet? – doesn’t smell so musty. Not like the rest of the place. It’s the one silver lining, he supposes, because nothing else about it is very appealing. Next to the muffins sit two diner-style coffee pots in their cradles, as well as a stack of styrofoam cups, some cream and sugar, and a bowl of fruit.

So much for a continental breakfast. There’s barely anything here.

After he selects a particularly red apple, Bucky pulls two cups from the stack and deadpans, “Happy now?”

You beam at him. “Delighted.”

“You’re an idiot,” he tells you, pointedly, which only makes you smile more. That’s when he makes sure to grab the caffeinated coffee pot, because he can already tell it won’t be worth the lack of caffeine otherwise – which is what he desperately needs right now in order to deal with you.

“Yeah,” you say through a mouthful of blueberry muffin, “but I’m your idiot.”

Bucky’s heart stutters inside of his chest, and he very nearly spills the coffee he’s pouring.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

But he doesn’t spill a drop, and soon he’s got two styrofoam cups of lukewarm coffee in hand as he makes his way over to where you’re leaning against the wall. Both have equal amounts of cream and sugar to dilute the taste, so he chooses one at random to offer you.

“You’re gonna choke if you keep stuffing your face like that. Here.”

It’s not an order, exactly, but you accept the cup from him anyway and take a sip. Bucky can tell the moment it hits your tastebuds because you immediately make a face.

“Worse than the Ozarks?” he suggests again, with a teasing lilt.

“Oh yeah,” you reply with a grimace. “At least the muffins aren’t bad.” To prove your point, you break off a piece with your thumb and forefinger and hold it out to him expectantly.

This is commonplace. It’s normal. It’s casual, but he pauses; there’s a look in your eyes he doesn’t recognize, something dark, hungry, and he feels the heat start to creep up his neck.

Why do you keep looking at him like that?

When he hesitantly opens his mouth, you feed the piece of muffin to him. Of course you do, but your fingertip lingers a little too long – and his tongue slowly licks the crumbs away, prompting a sharp intake of breath from you.

This isn’t normal.

It’s only when you chew your lip and pull away does the spell break. Bucky immediately averts his eyes – winds up staring down into his cup of coffee like he’s just gotten caught doing something he shouldn’t have, but the reprimand he’s expecting to hear doesn’t come.

A crinkle cuts through the silence, and then, “It’s good, right?”

Bucky glances up from his coffee to find that you’re not focused on him, now, but on the wrapper of a banana bread muffin. His face finally flushes hot, almost like it’s been waiting to make sure you’re not looking – and you definitely aren’t. Not now.

It’s embarrassing. It’s humiliating.

“Yeah,” he answers, heart racing inside of his chest. “It’s good.”

And then he takes a sip of coffee, but the only thing he can taste is the sweetness of your skin.

“Have any other rooms opened up?”

Your question to Judy on the way back outside makes his heart sink.

Breakfast didn’t feel quite right after that, but Bucky thought things were fine. At least until you stopped to ask that, anyway. He checks his watch again to distract himself from his nerves; almost nine o’clock now.

“I’m afraid not, dear,” Judy informs you politely. “The convention booked us right up. Probably won’t have any other rooms available until Monday.”

Today is Friday.

Shit.

“That’s okay. Thanks anyway.”

While you offer her a sweet smile to go along with your platitudes, Bucky knows instantly that it’s not a real one because it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. It’s like he’s on autopilot when he opens the door for you this time, because he’s too caught up in his head to even notice.

Was it because of breakfast that you want to switch rooms, or maybe you do know what he was dreaming about this morning and you’re just too nice to say anything—

“Bucky?”

Your voice pulls him out of his thoughts, and he looks down at you to find that your brows are furrowed and you’re asking him a question, now.

“I said, are you okay with staying here one more night? Sorry, I know it’s not ideal. Guess it’s not too comfortable sharing the bed with me, huh?”

An awkward laugh follows your supposed joke, and you briskly rub your arms because it’s a little chilly this morning from the rain.

For a moment, he just stares. How can he do anything else? It takes him a second to process what you’ve asked, what you’ve said; and then he realizes you were looking for another room because you think he’s uncomfortable.

“What are you talking about?” he finally manages.

“Since you got up this morning, you’ve been kind of…” You pause to think of a good word for it, and then you finally say, “off, I guess?” Then you rub the back of your neck, looking about as awkward as he can only imagine you feel. “I don’t blame you. Things were a lot different in the 40s, right, and I pressured you into sleeping with me, didn’t I—”

“You pressured— What?” That’s right. He remembers, then, that it’s anxiety – that you’ve got the same issue he does. You overthink. “Now wait just a damn second, doll. When did I say I wasn’t comfortable?”

Your mouth opens for a few prolonged seconds, and then it shuts, like there’s something on the tip of your tongue that you want to say but you just can’t get it out. Again.

“I slept with you because I wanted to. You sure as hell didn’t have to pressure me into it.” The way he says the word makes it sound like the stupidest thing he’s ever heard, maybe because it is. “Okay?”

The implication of his choice of words and yours hangs heavy in the air as you peer up at him through your lashes – searching for the lie, but there isn’t one. All you’ll find is his honesty, and he assumes you do when you reply, “O...Okay.”

And then, when your search gives way to something darker, baser, Bucky breaks away. He doesn’t know what to do when you look at him that way, but it makes him think of things he absolutely shouldn’t.

“Come on,” he calls over his shoulder, feeling his face flush and his heartbeat quicken. “We’ve gotta get moving.”

He shouldn’t think about you like this.

He’s suffocating.

Part Three

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes #no vacancy

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irmcpar · 6 years

Text

Sober

Word Count: 1837

Characters: Jensen, Danneel, Jared(mentioned), Misha(mentioned), JJ, (writers/producers/creators of SPN mentioned) unnamed!daughter!reader

Warnings: substance abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, ANGST, angst, ANGst, just lots of angst. Please read with caution if you are sensitive to any of the previous warnings!

A/N: (If you or anyone you know is struggling with substance abuse issues, call 1-800-662-4357 {US}) (Based on the song Sober by Demi Lovato)

It’s been four years. It’s been four years, five months, and two weeks since my last hit of cocaine and last sip of alcohol. I was 14 when I met Taylor. She was the girl everyone wanted to fuck or fuck up. She didn’t care what others thought about her. I, on the other hand, worried about everything other people thought.

My dad was going into the tenth season of his show on the CW. He was a successful actor who made a mistake with his girlfriend 18 years ago. My birth-mother left us after she gave birth to me because she wasn’t “ready for a family”. In other words, she would have rather spent her time doing drugs in back allies with random guys than have a family. My dad was so broken after that.

He kept auditioning for things, taking whatever job he could to financially support us both. I was only five at the time he booked Supernatural. He brought me with him on his first day on set because the babysitter canceled last minute. It was only a table read so he was hoping to find a quiet place for me to wait for him to finish up. However, Andrew, Robert, and Eric took a liking to me instantly and insisted I was in the room and “watch her daddy hard at work”. So that’s what the next five years of my life were like. We still lived in LA but that changed when I had to start school. We moved back to Dallas where Aunt Kenzie and Uncle Josh lived with Grandma and Grandpa. I stayed with them when Dad had to film in Vancouver.

When I turned seven, Dad finally said I could go to Summer camp! With me out of the house for the next month and a half, he went back to LA during his Summer hiatus and booked a role in the independent movie, Ten Inch Hero. I was worried about him. He didn’t take breaks anymore. Last year he spent his Summer hiatus working on My Bloody Valentine 3D, which he hasn’t yet let me see. I was afraid he was worrying too much about money. Worrying too much about not being able to provide for me. He was doing an amazing job. He was only thinking like this because both of us were living on just one income thanks to my birth-mother leaving us.

I was afraid he wouldn’t have peace of mind. I was afraid he wouldn’t find love again. That is until he met Danneel. She was such an amazing influence on him and myself. She bought me my first dress when I was eight and taught me how to braid my own hair. She made my dad so happy. She brought out the secret smile he only used when I was around. I was a little jealous at first at how she was getting more and more of his time but Dad talked to me when he felt I was pulling away.

My birth-mother apparently had a mental illness that ran in her family and Jensen was always afraid I may eventually start to experience a few symptoms. And I did. Being the daughter of an actor was not easy. Going into high school without many friends, I jumped on the soonest possible person willing to become friends. My mom never thought Taylor was a good influence. She didn’t like it when Jensen was gone and she had to deal with a hormonal and rebellious teenage girl and a newborn all by herself. She never forced herself into my life but I happily welcomed her as my mom since the first time I slipped when I asked her for a juice box when I was nine.

I would sneak off in the middle of the night when Taylor was having a party and everyone who was anyone would be there. She showed me the ropes when it came to smoking weed or mixing a little bit of each bottle of alcohol my parents had in the cabinet so they wouldn’t notice. She taught me everything I knew but even when I’d be high on something and/or drunk off my ass, I’d still feel lonely. Still feel empty. Shit, is this what it’s like to be depressed? To feel like you have no one?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I do it every, every, every time It's only when I'm lonely Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight I try and I try and I try and I try and I try Just hold me, I'm lonely

A year later, I got into some trouble with my parents. I came home way past my curfew. They didn’t know I just sniffed a bunch of cocaine and was high as fuck. My dad yelled and sent me to my room but Danneel could sense something was up. I stumbled my way up the stairs to my room. We moved to Austin after JJ was born last year so I’m still not use this new house and accidentally walked into her room and plopped down on a small couch placed in the corner of the nursery.

I reached down and searched for the secret bottle I kept stashed away in my bed frame. When I couldn't find it, I started screaming. My parents came running in and while I was hysteric, JJ started crying, making the whole situation worse. My dad calmed me down and I told him everything. Everything. I just gave up and let out everything I’ve been going through. I didn’t know what else to do. My dad cried that night holding me. He was holding the both of us together.

Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

That was four years ago. Now I’m 18 and finishing high school with a 3.8 GPA. Full-ride to Texas Tech’s psych program. I was going to help people. Help adolescents who battle substance abuse and depression. I used my dad’s conventions and connections as a platform to help people like me out there. Misha and I’ve been working together to raise funds for organizations that already do this and knowing that I’ve helped people makes it so much better.

But I fucked up. I forgot to pack my antidepressants and haven’t been taking them all week. I needed a hit. Needed the buzz. Needed to feel alive again. I never hurt myself when I felt like this. I only craved the drug. Only craved the taste of alcohol. I wasn’t going to tell Dad, or Misha, or Jared how I felt. It would only disappoint them.

I felt lonely again even though I knew somewhere deep down, I had a family waiting with open arms for me to fall back onto them when I needed it. But my mind was clouded. I needed it. I needed it bad.

And I'm sorry for the fans I lost Who watched me fall again I wanna be a role model, but I'm only human

When my Dad fell asleep in the adjacent hotel bed, I got out of mine and searched in the mini-bar for something strong enough. I realized it would later show up on my dad’s bill for the hotel so instead, I snuck outside in search of something. Knowing how difficult it would be to find coke at this hour, I went to the closest convenience store for some hard liquor.

I was walking back and I saw this shady looking guy speed-walking on the side of the street. He passed me something when he passed me. I didn’t know what it was but another man walked up to me and asked which way the man went. I pointed in his direction and he thanked me. ‘That was weird’ I thought. I opened my hand and saw a small plastic bag filled with 1 gram of white powder. I knew it was cocaine. I was frozen. It was like some higher power heard my prayer and graced me with some coke. I closed my hand and looked around, seeing if the interaction was witnessed by anyone. I walked back into the hotel and straight towards the lobby bathroom. I took a dollar and rolled it up. Used my credit card to move the white powder on the bathroom counter into a straight line. I snorted the whole things in one, swift motion. Cleaned up the evidence and made my way back to our room.

Once I got to the room, I relished this feeling I haven’t had in four years. It was fucking great. I reached in my pocket for the room key. Not there. Maybe my other pocket. Shit. Shit fuck. What was I going to do? Drink. That's what. I remembered I went out to buy some liquor and pulled out the bottle from the brown bag and slid down the wall next to the door. I stayed up all night long. Talking to myself about how amazing it feels to be back.

The next morning, when my dad woke up, he panicked when he didn’t find me in my bed or the bathroom. He called my phone, hoping I went out for some breakfast. He hears my phone’s ringtone from outside the door and nearly rips it off its hinges. He didn’t know how to feel when he saw my body slumped over with a mostly empty bottle of Jameson's spilled on the floor.

He sighed and sat next to my figure, gently prying the bottle from my hands. He tilted my head up to see a bit of white powder under my nose. “Jesus, Sweetheart,” he sighed pulling my body into his arms. Dad always held me when I was feeling down. It was his way of pulling me out of this dark hole that has consumed my life. It was at that moment he didn’t feel me breathing. “Sweetheart?” He asked with a pang of fear in his voice. “Shit. HELP!” He yelled.

He continued to yell until hotel security came and called 911. He continued to yell as they loaded your body into the ambulance. He continued to yell in the hospital, holding your hand as your heart stopped forever.

I'm not sober anymore I'm sorry that I'm here again I promise I'll get help It wasn't my intention I'm sorry to myself

#supernatural-bellawinchester #supernatural #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x daughter #daughter!reader #jensen x reader angst #dean x reader angst #spn x reader angst #addiction #substance abuse #alcohol #cocaine #sober #sober demi lovato #angst

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bittenappletv · 5 years

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Capcom Live Concert Review; 9/29/18 Gramercy Theater NYC

Mega Man 2 on the NES was that video game for me. The one that made me realize video games can be art. The music! The graphics! The music! Doctor Wily's Castle! The music! The ending! Oh and did I mention, the music! Because... THE MUSIC! I've been a lifelong fan of Capcom ever since. Mega Man used to be my favorite Capcom franchise. Eventually it became Street Fighter and later in life it became Devil May Cry. So it's almost like I've grown up with Capcom throughout the years. As I've matured so have my interests. So of course I’m going to attend a concert that features music from Capcom video games because… Just in case I haven’t mentioned this before… THE MUSIC!

The Capcom Live Band spun out of Video Games Orchestra. Video Games Orchestra has their own show called Video Games Live where they play music from lots of different video games. I've seen them perform twice and I definitely recommend checking them out if they come to your neck of the woods!

The members of the Capcom Live Band originate from Boston. They made the Chrono Trigger song that was performed at Video Games Live and is available on one of the Video Games Live CDs. Well they have broken off into their own thing just to perform Capcom music but they will still get down with Video Games Live when the occasion arises.

On to the performance! I also saw Capcom Live perform at Anime Next in 2017 so I will be comparing both performances. Spotlighting what was different between both shows when I can.

So first up at the New York show was an arrangement featuring a lot of classic Capcom video games while they displayed video footage of said games. The first one was Commando, the first Capcom game I ever played in an arcade a long time ago! Followed by Trojan, Sonson, 1942, Strider, the NES version of Bionic Commando and wrapping up with Ghosts 'n Goblins!

On to Street Fighter! They played the intro song from Street Fighter II. You may be more familiar with it as Ryu's theme in the first Marvel vs. Capcom game or the intro song to the American Street Fighter cartoon. "Ba Da Da Da Daaaa Da Daaaa!" You know that song! While the track played we got to see Ryu face off against a lot of the Street Fighter II characters finishing up with his confrontation against Master Bison! The next track was a medley they also do at Video Games Live. Ryu, Guile and Ken's themes mashed together as a rock song. When they did this at Anime Next they showed images from the HD version of Street Fighter II, essentially the new imagery from Studio Udon that you can currently see in Ultra Street Fighter II The Final Challengers on the Nintendo Switch. For the New York show they stuck with imagery from the original version of Street Fighter II. While I fig both versions and Udon did an amazing job, I liked seeing the older version at a show like this. Events like these are even better when they evoke nostalgia.

Now for something new! They played the music you hear in Street Fighter V when you are in the mode select screen or waiting for an online match. Now if you've upgraded to Street Fighter V Arcade Edition it is no longer the first song that plays, but if you stay on mode select long enough you'll hear it. It's the song that starts off with a Spanish guitar. You know, I never even gave too much thought to the Spanish guitar that comes on during the track until I heard it live. I'm Latino so naturally my heritage woke up WORD! What was cool is that a performer who looked kind of like Reuben Langon (AKA Dante's voice and motion capture actor in the Devil May Cry series) just with longer blonde hair and a smaller frame sang English lyrics to that Street Fighter V song! The singer's name is David Vives by the way.

So yeah we got a Dante look alike IN THE HIZOOOOOOUSE so OF COURSE he's going to sing something from Devil May Cry! When the beginning of Devil May Cry 4's "We Shall Never Surrender" (AKA my current smartphone ring tone heh heh heh) started playing David Vives yelled for everyone to get up! I was sitting down and normally don't get up and dance, pretty much ever unless I am drunk out of my skull. But I love Devil May Cry 4 Special Edition. I played that game until I finished Bloody Palace Mode with Dante and Vergil, and I still fire it up now and again. So if you tell me to get up and dance during a Devil May Cry 4 song MAAAAANG I'm gonna be on my feet dancing all night and that's how I spent the remainder of the concert! So David sang the lyrics to the song and the New York venue had two levels. When he got to the middle part of the song that sounds like a prayer sermon he got up on the balcony level and looked down at those of us on the lower level. For the third part we all sang "Come With Me. We'll Fight Until Eternity..." We all raised our arms and waved them left arms right. So much fun. Felt like I was part of the game for a bit. I didn't get Lady's phone number though. D'OH!

"Go Tell Aunt Rhody!" You guessed it! David Vives sang the main song from Resident Evil VII. He did this at Anime Next too and when I went to the bathroom at that event someone in the stall near me asked me if David was the original singer of that song in the game. Um nah it's a cover the song is sung by a female in the game, Jordan Reyne. That just goes to show how talented David is!

Monster Hunter time! At Anime Next the band was surprised that there were a lot of Monster Hunter fans in the audience since the franchise is a lot bigger in Japan. Well it wasn't a shock that there were even more Monster Hunter fans in New York since this year we saw the release of Monster Hunter World, which has become the highest selling video game Capcom has ever made! We got to hear three Monster Hunter instrumental tracks while seeing images of warriors, Felynes and Monsters on the screen!

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney time! I didn't hear any OBJECTION to that! First they played the famous arrangement from the first game followed by some music from the latest game. The music from part 6 was accompanied by footage and anime cut scenes from the game!

Video Games Live has this great set that includes the Mega Man 2 intro song, the Mega Man 3 intro song and the famous music from Doctor Wily's castle from Mega Man 2. I wish we did hear that track at Capcom Live, but I've been to two of their shows now and that hasn't happened yet. The tracks they do play are really cool though. First up is a rock version of Cut Man's theme from Mega Man 1. I'm still dancing at this point so I can cut a rug to Cut Man's theme word! After that there's a Spark Mandrel theme from Mega Man X!

SENGOKU BASARA OH MY GOD! I knew that it was part of their show in Japan since it's way more popular there but I never expected to hear any of it in the US. It wasn't at Anime Next but New York definitely had my fam Date Masamune, Sanada Yukimura, Kasuga and more up on the screen while they played the main track of the last game we did get in the US, Sengoku Basara Samurai Heroes. Myself I'm a huge fan of the series but it's not always at the top of my mind when I think of Capcom because I always have to import the games to play them. Playstation 3 and 4 are region free systems and there are lots of online guides to help you play the games so this isn't extremely difficult to do at least. As an aside, the current Gakuen Basara anime airing on HiDive is hilarious and makes me laugh every week! Check it out if you can, the Sengoku Basara franchise needs all the love it can get in the West!

That's not all for Sengoku Basara! Following that track they had a special song for Ii Naotora! Wait a second hang on, she debuts in part 4 and has never been on an American console. So this must be a track just for their Japanese show right? Wrong! They played her main theme while David sang lyrics to the tune, AND THE LYRICS WERE IN ENGLISH! THE SONG WAS JUST FOR US! WE WENT NUTS AAAAAH!!!!! I guess this is how young women felt in the 60s when the Beatles performed! The footage on the screen was a lot of Sengoku Basara part 4 with a bit of 3 mixed in. Anyway, go ahead and import some games. The universe said it's okay!

Two Okami tracks! One instrumental and another with English lyrics. For the one with lyrics we were asked to hold up our smart phones and wave them from side to side. So a few days prior to the show my Samsung S4 got water damaged and I upgraded to a Samsung S9. The flashlight button on my S9 is much easier to locate and a lot brighter than my S4, so it was way better for this candlelight... or smartphone light vigil! Big up to the Okami God Amaterasu for messing up my S4 to make me get an S9 so I could be concert ready word!

Since this was the first time the Capcom Live Band played in New York City they wanted to play something special for us. At Anime Next, since it's an anime convention we got to hear the One Piece "We Are" song in English and The Attack on Titan original intro song in it's original language. Well us New Yorkers got something a little different. David Vives noticed that some of us went nuts and jumped up and down during the Sengoku Basara songs. That was me of course! So they played the Van Halen song "JUMP" for us! I guess it didn't have much to do with Capcom, but if you hear it you can think of Bionic Commando 2 Rearmed where they added the jump feature. Only maybe pretend Rad jumped into a barbershop and got rid of that stupid mustache! Not a fan of that mustache! The Shinkiro design from Grin's first Bionic Commando Rearmed game is my favorite.

The show closed out with a Resident Evil 6 song with English lyrics! 6 is not my personal favorite Resident Evil game, but it's a good song to close things out with! Also 7 is such a departure from all of the previous games so it was nice to see a few familiar faces up on the screen.

ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE! We all chanted for an encore and we got it! David Vives sang the first Attack on Titans intro song in Japanese and German, "Feuerroter Pfeil und Boge" for us just as he did in Anime Next! And hey this one is kind of Capcom related since Capcom almost made an Attack on Titan Japanese arcade game! Something fell through the cracks and it didn't happen. However it's probably for the best since Arthur from Ghost 'n Goblins would sneak into the arcade machine and defeat all of the Titans in two seconds. Oh hey I saw a documentary called "Wreck-It Ralph." Stuff like that is possible I tell you!

Suffice it to say I had an amazing time both times I attended the concert, but I had more fun at the New York show. Mainly because the energy was different and there were a lot more of us dancing and having a good time. There's things I'm leaving out like how each member gets introduced to us and they get to shred on their instruments. The was also stage diving and fun stuff like that but those are the parts you are better off experiencing yourself.

Final grade: I give the concert 5 Felicias from Darkstalkers performing in front of a live audience out of 5! If you're a fan of Capcom music and games or if you just want to hear some cool music accompanied by nice imagery and have a good time I definitely recommend checking out Capcom Live! - Anthony

http://www.capcomlive.com/

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dearerato · 6 years

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7/5/18 - 2:20am

I often find myself wondering what brings others peace, or even more frequently, when was the last time that they truly felt at peace.

When I ask myself this question, my mind always travels back to last November. It’s a moment that I can still see as clearly as if it were a film being projected onto a screen. After a long day of walking around, attending a variety of workshops, and competing at a state theatre convention, three of my friends and troupe members retired to our hotel room. I remember rushing to the bathroom to take the first shower of the evening so that I could get to bed as early as possible. When I collapsed onto the bed, I felt my body slowly sink into the mattress as if someone had placed weights inside the marrow of my bones.

Whenever I sleep, the room has to be at a cold temperature. But, for some reason, my friends insisted on keeping the room hot and humid for the time being. So what did I do? I took my shirt off, slid under the cool sheets, leaving one of my legs and the top of my breasts and upwards exposed, hoping that I could somehow absorb the coolness from the fabric of the covers. Once I got situated, I turned on my playlist titled ‘Jazz for Lovers’. Have I ever had a lover? No, never. But I am a hopeless romantic, and jazz is my ideal lover. I turned on Louis Armstrong’s ‘Let’s Fall in Love’. While my friends were finishing up their showers and their nightly routines, I laid in bed with my eyes closed, my breathing soft, enjoying the feeling of the cool sheets against my bare skin. I found contentment in that moment, and it felt as though the earth had stopped spinning.

I’m sure you reading this may wonder why I was laying in a hotel bed practically naked with three other girls in the room, and I’ll tell you.

I have known every girl in that room for a minimum of 3 years, and our friendships are strong. We know that each of us can be vulnerable with each other, which we have, in ways that include, but are not limited to: sharing our fears, crying into my friend’s lap, one of my friends asking me if her butt looks good in the nudes she took, amongst many other things. It is such a liberating feeling to be able to be so vulnerable with someone and know that no judgement will exist.

In that moment, we were all doing our own frivolous tasks: one still showering, one half naked and brushing her wet hair, and one reading silently beside me, the both of us enjoying the sounds of jazz that echoed through the room. All of us found comfort in the presence of each other, and I found my peace within their’s.

Eventually, the rest of them decided that they couldn’t bear the heat any longer, and we all fell asleep to the sounds of soft breathing and the caress of the cold winter air.

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michaelandy101-blog · 3 years

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34 of the Greatest Workplace Pranks & Sensible Jokes to Use at Work

New Post has been published on http://tiptopreview.com/34-of-the-best-office-pranks-practical-jokes-to-use-at-work/

34 of the Greatest Workplace Pranks & Sensible Jokes to Use at Work

In the event you’ve watched the TV present “The Office” as religiously as I’ve, the traditional “stapler in Jell-O” trick absolutely sounds acquainted. It is just about what the title describes: Merely make a batch of Jell-O, however be sure that your colleague’s stapler is hidden contained in the mould.

It is a traditional prank. However what different, much less typical pranks are on the market so as to add some kicks to an in any other case common day on the workplace?

We requested our pals and combed the web for extra examples of among the funniest workplace pranks, and pulled collectively this listing to function inspiration on your personal work pranks.

Each firm has a narrative about that humorous workplace prank of yore. Whether or not you are performing some early April Idiot’s Day analysis, or simply feeling a bit tricksy, it is time to get a prank of your individual within the books. Listed here are some concepts.

Humorous Workplace Pranks to Pull on Your Coworkers

1. Caramel Onions

When Halloween is across the nook, these caramel onions are not any match for different tips (or treats). Dip every onion in caramel — perhaps some pink meals coloring first, if it is advisable to additional disguise them — and stick popsicle sticks down the middle. Your colleagues will not know the distinction, however they’ll surprise why these caramel apples are making them cry a lot…

Supply: Instructables

2. Nicolas Cage Bathroom Seat

Talking of Halloween, here is what nightmares are actually manufactured from. Nicolas Cage is straightforward to come back by within the meme neighborhood lately. Print an image of him at his most, nicely, enthusiastic — and permit him to greet everybody who takes a rest room break.

Supply: Pinterest

three. Fish Drawer

There’s one thing fishy about this workplace prank… Simply make sure to embody fish meals; consultants recommend you need to feed this prank twice a day.

Supply: Reddit

four. Pants within the Stall

Often, if you see toes beneath the stall, you simply have to attend your flip. On this case, you is likely to be ready perpetually. Set this man up in your workplace toilet and see how lengthy it takes for folks to start out speaking. We simply hope no person referred to as the paramedics on this poor, empty go well with.

Supply: BuzzFeed

5. Febreze for Days

Tighten the zip-tie, throw it, and run on your life. Or, go away it in your coworker’s workplace after they’re on break. They’re certain to return to a potent workspace.

Supply: Emlii

6. Vehicular Sticky Notes

That is the proper use for these sticky notes that maintain piling up — particularly in the event that they’re all for somebody who simply will not end his or her duties. The prank beneath is a superb method to remind them earlier than they take off for the day.

Supply: Reddit

7. Misspelling Macro

By no means ask your work buddy to unlock your iPhone for you, or they will make you seem like the worst speller of all time if you go to sort a textual content or e-mail. Settings > Common > Keyboard > Add new shortcut will make this prank a actuality in opposition to your most detail-oriented colleague.

Supply: Gottabemobile

eight. Foghorn Entrance

Have not you ever wished to get a room’s consideration the second you stroll via the door? Nicely, the prank beneath will even get the particular person getting into to face up straight. That is actually a technique to ensure everybody’s alert earlier than a gathering.

Supply: Reddit

9. Ballooned Convention

Hey, at the least it is not glitter? This prank works two methods: You’ll be able to both shock the subsequent workforce who reserves this room, or have a day-long assembly in right here with out anybody realizing your online business. You’ll in fact have some static electrical energy if you exit the room.

Supply: Reddit

10. Desk Trolls

For trolls, by trolls. Fortunately, you should purchase many of those trolls in bulk. Click here should you’re severe about trolling your coworker’s workstation — simply bear in mind you’ll have to purchase a couple of pack of trolls to make this stunt value it.

Supply: CollegeHumor

11. Water Works

Oh look, a finances journey to the seaside. This prank offers a complete new assembly to the time period, “staycation.” Shock your coworker when he/she comes again from a seaside getaway with, nicely, one other seaside getaway. The draw back is it will be nothing like the place they have been. The upside is they will not want a towel.

Supply: Imgur

12. Anti-Gravity Desk

“That’s it — you’re suspended.” Simply be sure that the one that arrives within the morning to a floating desk does not attempt to sit down…

Supply: Daily Mail

13. Nailed the Cake

Hey everybody, there’s cake up for grabs within the kitchen! The prank, nonetheless, is written in frosting. It is a good gesture to somebody who loves the expression, “needle in a haystack.” Comfortable searching.

Supply: Reddit

14. Psychedelic Supervision

“I don’t know, I feel like my boss is always watching me,” your coworker may say. Change their notion of micromanagement when this colourful prank. Immediately a “quick checkin” does not appear all that unhealthy.

Supply: Imgur

15. Voice Toast

Easy, but sensible. Change the phrases of breakfast ever so barely, and the kitchen turns into probably the most complicated room within the workplace. This little be aware pranks your complete workplace — a real masterpiece of prank-dom.

Supply: Tumblr

16. Work From Dwelling

As Ron Burgundy from Anchorman says, “I’m not even mad. I’m just impressed.” Assist your coworker who loves taking his/her work house, take their house to work as a substitute. As you’ll be able to inform, you may want to remain late the night time earlier than to get this prank excellent.

Supply: Reddit

17. You have Been ‘Felined’

This might really make your cat-loving coworker’s day. Or, it may make for the best prank of all time in opposition to the coworker who’s violently allergic to cats (that’s, so long as they don’t seem to be allergic to images of cats, too).

Supply: Reddit

18. The Seedboard

Work along with your IT division to fertilize this prank completely. Quickly sufficient, its person will surprise why their keyboard is rising. We recommend concentrating on somebody who sits near the window — some pranks simply want some daylight. “You said you wanted to spend more time with nature,” you may say in your protection.

Supply: BoredPanda

19. Wholesome Creme

Who stated you could not be useful whereas additionally being a prankster? “The bad news is we’re out of donuts. The good news is you have all these nutritious alternatives to help your immune system cope with the lack of donuts.”

20. The Ceilings Have Eyes

You could possibly freak out simply wanting on the photograph of this horrifying prank. It is likely to be a bit an excessive amount of on your jumpiest colleague, however for the one that cannot cease speaking about scary motion pictures, it is simply the revenge you deserve. (Trace: paper mache, white paint, and a black wig. Completed.)

Supply: Tumblr

21. Chair Scare

Just like the Entrance Foghorn (prank #eight, above), this prank will in all probability scare extra than simply the one that sits down. In fact, it will be a lesson to anybody who, I suppose, tries to sit down too low at their desk.

Supply: Reddit

Humorous Pranks to Pull on Your Boss

22. No Stalling

For the worker who by no means has sufficient time. Or, for the coworker who takes approach too many toilet breaks in the course of the day. Prank them with their very personal throne the subsequent time nature calls.

Supply: 22words

23. Glitter Bomb

About that complete, “At least it’s not glitter” factor in prank #9? Nicely, this prank cannot make that promise. For the coworkers who do not but know the permanence of getting glitter on your self, this prank is bound to set them straight.

youtube

24. Substitute Employee

Generally, you are unsure the way to ask for one more break day. For these days the place you merely cannot come into work, however haven’t got the center to name out once more, the doll who seems similar to you is the proper substitute. Or, simply put ’em at your colleague’s desk and provides them a much-needed id disaster.

25. Crushed It

If you lastly find out about your colleague’s movie star crush, be sure that they know the way a lot you care.

#officeprank

A publish shared by Alice Lei (@alicerabbit1) on Aug 1, 2015 at four:04pm PDT

26. World’s ‘Greatest’ Boss

When phrases simply aren’t sufficient to specific your sentiment, give your supervisor the proper method to say “thank you” each time they go to take a sip of espresso.

27. Cup o’ Spiders

“Hey chief, I found a spider on your desk, but don’t worry, it’s been handled.” This prank does not need to have an precise spider in it — the thriller, alone, is all it is advisable to prank your worker.

28. That is a Wrap

For the boss who has all the pieces, it is the reward that retains on giving.

Supply: Giphy

Distant Pranks for Digital Groups

The above pranks are superior, however what about pranks which are inclusive for distant workers or groups which are 100% digital? These pranks are perfect for the digital workplace:

29. Flash Mob

Right here at HubSpot, we love flash mobs. That is why Head of search engine marketing Aja Frost and Weblog Supervisor Christina Perricone jumped on the likelihood of organizing a digital flash mob for one among our quarterly conferences.

It is a excellent prank for a big gathering however requires a little bit of prep — from selecting a track, deciding on the dancers, and educating the choreography. Nevertheless, the tip result’s value it for the shocked and delighted expressions on coworkers’ faces alone.

30. Digital Background Shenanigans

There’s a variety of pranking potential utilizing the virtual background feature in Zoom and different video conferencing platforms. For instance, one Twitter person creates a digital background with the surprising look of a doppelgänger… or perhaps a time warp?

So, I made a customized Zoom background for my subsequent assembly the place I convey myself a cup of tea. pic.twitter.com/DJBxrH5Cqv

— Graham/Jaws 19 (@Jaws19present) May 7, 2020

31. Leap Scare

One method to take the digital background prank to a different degree is by impersonating a horror film director and counting on one of many oldest scary film tips within the e-book: the sudden bounce scare. The video beneath walks via the steps for executing this prank efficiently:

youtube

Simply just remember to know who you are presenting to. The improper viewers might not respect the humor on this one!

32. You are Not on Mute

We have all heard the horror tales of customers who thought they have been on mute and went on to say one thing embarrassing. One prank could be to stage this example and make your coworkers suppose that you simply suppose you are on mute. You could possibly enlist somebody in your family to say actually embarrassing or fully outrageous, the objective being to see how lengthy your coworkers will watch in horror earlier than letting you recognize you are on mute.

33. Stolen Id

In case you have a office chat system, a easy and efficient prank is to “steal” somebody’s id by altering your show title and film to match theirs. The extra coworkers you get to comply with go well with, the simpler, hilarious, and chaotic this prank turns into. Better of all, it is easy to reverse on the finish of the day: Simply revert again to your unique show title and photograph.

34. Suppose Exterior the Field

With video conferencing apps, we’re restricted to our personal little sq. of digital actual property… or are we? This Twitter person subverts expectation by dumping water on a coworker in one other sq., stunning all the opposite assembly attendees:

I pulled off my very own lil #AprilFools prank as we speak in our each day digital assembly 😂☔️ pic.twitter.com/RjGW2RhgRT

— Phang (@PhilaUnionPhang) April 1, 2020

All you need to do is use somebody who can be in on the joke with you.

Pranking might be extraordinarily good for morale and firm tradition. In any case, why not have a bit enjoyable to interrupt up the workday?

Editor’s be aware: This publish was initially printed in October 2018 and has been up to date for comprehensiveness.

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lapsa-lapsa · 6 years

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'Downton Abbey's Rob James-Collier On His Tragic Hero Thomas Barrow, Dancing With Dame Maggie Smith And Waiting For The Next Role

Thomas Barrow didn't have much fun in the last series of 'Downton Abbey' - seeming to become a one-man focus for all the "changes" that needed to happen at the pile, and suffering a social exclusion that no amount of giving the little lords piggybacks could overcome.

Eventually, as viewers watched, horrified, Thomas took to the bathroom and was only saved from doing away with himself by the quick actions of his stalwart friend Baxter. We must cross our fingers and hope for a happier ending for the demonised under-butler by the time the credits roll on the Christmas special.

For actor Rob James-Collier, the outlook has been rather brighter, as he has become one of the breakout stars due to his striking role in this period piece, which has become a phenomenon on both sides of the Atlantic. And, as he tells HuffPostUK, writer Julian Fellowes had given him fair warning that he would be called upon to be "the great tragic hero" of the show.

Rob's career looks set to go from strength to strength, and it's a long way from his early career when he was better known for his role of Liam Connor in 'Coronation Street'. Here, he looks back on the role of Thomas Barrow that has changed his life...

Q: How early did Julian Fellowes tell you about your character’s sexuality?

A: I knew from the get-go that Thomas was gay. I knew that from the audition. With the series, you didn’t know how he was going to broach that subject and why he was so aggressive towards everyone. I made a decision as an actor that it was his sexuality that was making him lash out. Thankfully, in the later series Julian wrote that back-story in and we got to show people why Thomas is Thomas, which I thought was important.

Q: Do you think the show is quite liberal despite the conservative backdrop?

A: The characters’ reactions to Thomas’ homosexuality is quite liberal. But talking to the historical advisor, he wasn’t a one-off. There were lots of gay men and women around then, just as there are now. They were tolerated because everyone had to get on to work together. You wouldn’t necessarily get the massive homophobic reaction that you might expect at the time, even though homosexuality was illegal. It was accepted and brushed under the carpet because if it were made apparent it might sabotage the reputation of the house. In many ways, they allow Thomas to fit in. There were deep thinkers back then, and liberal thinkers. It’s not just modern-day society that is liberal.

Q: Do you take a lot of pride in being part of the phenomenon that is 'Downton Abbey'?

A: I’m proud of the fact that 'Downton Abbey' was born in a recession, at a time when ITV had dropped a lot of drama programmes. And I know that because I was out of work at the time! You were worrying as an actor because there seemed to be a leaning towards reality TV and celebrity documentary. It’s cheaper than drama, and you think as an actor, ‘What chance have I got?’

But then in the middle of all this, they got an Oscar-winning screenwriter in Julian Fellowes, a two-time Oscar-winning actress in Dame Maggie Smith and a pool of great British talent and they decided to do that on an ITV show in the middle of a recession. To get it green-lit was a feat in itself and then its success helped to show execs and financiers that period drama, which is the most expensive sort, can make money and be profitable for your channel. In a way, it was a game changer. From that we got a spate of people making great drama. There’s been a real growth of drama on TV even though back in 2008 we were wondering if there was anything left in this game any more. So to be a part of that, something that helped light the touch paper, was brilliant.

Q: From your experience on such a huge show as 'Coronation Street' is there a concern that people will struggle to disassociate you from your character in 'Downton', long-term?

A: Yeah, totally. You leave one iconic show and join another, thinking it might be a one-season show and it becomes one of the biggest shows in the world. As an actor you know it’s not going to be easy for people to leave that association behind, especially because of the type of character that Thomas is. He is gay and is, essentially, the bad guy for much of the show, so a lot of people within the industry can only see you as that. They might not be in a rush to see you as a heterosexual love interest, for example, because they worry whether the audience can see past that. That takes time. For me, I need to take my time and not just take the first job offer that comes along. It was the same with 'Coronation Street'. I didn’t work for 15 months; I turned a lot of stuff down because they weren’t the right roles to take me away from what I’d done before. You need to do something completely different. That’s why I waited for Thomas after 'Coronation Street', and thankfully he came along because the wolves were at the door!

Q: Your 'Downton' character has had a great journey; that must be very rewarding…

A: I’d have been happy if it’d remained like it was in the first season, where he was the bad guy and we didn’t see why. But I’m so glad that Julian told his story, not because he was gay — that’s not a big story these days. But he was gay at a time when it was illegal and against God. You would go to mass and be told that sodomy meant you’d burn in hell. These things inform why Thomas is why he is and there’s a lot of drama there to tell his story. We’ve seen the result of why he is like he is, but it’s great to tell the audience why there is nastiness and bitterness. In Season 6 he is like a tragic hero. Can Thomas finally become comfortable with what he is and who is, and if he can’t do that then what’s he going to do to address that? With Thomas, he goes to extremes. As we witnessed in Season 5, he is injecting himself. We go on this tragic journey with him.

Q: What was it like during your last day on the Downton set?

A: There were lots of man hugs, back slapping and me trying not to cry. I was trying to be stoic, saying, ‘No, I’m not crying. It’s just the dust in Ealing Studios!’ The crew were in tears as well, and they have it really hard. We actors just swan in for a few minutes a day!

Q: What would be some personal highlights from your time on the show?

A: Dancing with Dame Maggie Smith in the first Christmas Special was an epic moment. I did a business degree and didn’t take my first acting job until I was 28 and there I was at 35 dancing with a two-time Oscar winner! If someone had told that I’d be doing a waltz with Dame Maggie — and that I’d stand on her toe in one take and that she’d give me a funny look — I’d have said, ‘No chance!’ She’s a film icon. But it happened and it was a massive standout moment for me. I also loved all the stuff we did during the War because I got to research the period. I was quite naïve about that time. We touched upon it at school but I’d never researched WWI properly. It was fascinating to learn about it and you really understood that sense of loss. I’d never realised that we lost 40,000 men on the first day of the Somme, the worst casualties in British military history. You then feel the onus to do the fallen justice, on both sides. It made me appreciate everything I’ve got in my life a whole lot more.

Q: What was the reason for starting a more conventional career in marketing before you began acting at 28 years old?

A: It’s a good question. I don’t know. I was an intelligent lad, my brother and sister were in academia, and acting was never something that was put forward to me as a viable option at school. I wasn’t really interested either. I was more into sports. But when I was doing marketing, working in the industry and hating it, I was watching 'The Office' going, ‘Oh my God! That is my office! I can’t do this for the rest of my life.’ I remember watching Pete Postlethwaite in 'The Homecoming', the Harold Pinter play, at the Royal Exchange in Manchester and I had a weird feeling in my stomach. Looking back at it now, I realise I was jealous of the actors on stage because I wanted to do something freeing like that. I didn’t know it then. A few years later, someone who was doing a performing arts degree asked me to step in because an actor had fallen out. It was a rainy Sunday, I didn’t get paid, but I loved it. I thought, ‘If I could do this and get paid, that would be fantastic!’

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/18/downton-abbey-rob-james-collier_n_8591182.html

#robert james collier #downton abbey #interview

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natasha-cole · 7 years

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Ready Steady Part 22

Summary: Reader and Rob begin to breathe a little easier knowing that Chris is no longer a concern. Rob makes a big decision that puts the Reader in an awkward position. How will she react?

Word Count: 5792

Warnings: angst, anxiety, panic attack, fluff, soooo much fluff

Note: For the sake of the remainder of the fic, I’m using some old Louden Swain songs and making them new ones. Also, as you can tell, my reader is a singer/songwriter and a country girl at heart… so for her, instead of trying to write my own lyrics, I’m using songs by Miranda Lambert and claiming them as the reader’s own. Hey, this way, you can listen to the actual songs after you read!

Rob and Reader sing “Pushin’ Time” by Miranda Lambert again.

Another Note: I didn’t want to leave you with another cliffhanger, but I really can’t help it anymore.

Catch up: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18

Part 19 Part 20 Part 21

When the panic attack had subsided, you had finally eaten breakfast and spent the entire morning lying in bed. You watched some shows, dozed off here and there, and ordered more room service when you got hungry that afternoon. It had been a lazy day for you. At one point you decided to check emails, which had taken over your inbox since you had ignored it all for some time now. You had multiple emails from your manager who had been questioning whether you were going to finish recording any time soon. You still hadn’t explained to him your current situation and the fact that you needed to take a break from work. The last thing on your mind right now was finishing with your recording. You had already ignored phone calls from him for week, not wanting to deal with it, but you considered at least shooting him an email.

You typed up a quick reply, not wanting to go into too much detail. You explained that some things were going on and you would call him once you returned to L.A. You left it at that, feeling bad that you had bailed on everything. A career that you had wanted so badly had been right at your doorstep, you had performed new material, and you were so close to being done with recording. As usual, it had all been put on hold. You knew you were in no condition to even consider going back into the studio, nor could you perform at this time. It was just something that would have to wait even longer.

You finally considered joining everyone else at the convention later that evening. Lying in bed alone all day had you realizing how much you desperately missed Rob. You hadn’t been alone in some time; and although you felt that you needed it, it was causing you more anxiety than you had expected. Glancing at the time on your phone, you knew Rob was busy. He had promised to bother you with text messages while he was working, but he had really only been able to send a few just to check on you. Your replies had been brief and you thought about cluing him in about the panic attack you had just experienced, but as always, your fear of causing him to worry too much stopped you. Still, you wanted to see him. Climbing out of bed finally, you started to get ready, considering just heading down to the convention yourself. Another wave of panic struck you though at the idea of doing that alone. You knew you were safe for now. Chris was in custody and what he had done was grounds for a felony charge. But, you still couldn’t help but feel fearful of wandering down there alone.

It was irrational, you knew that. You began to wonder where the other you had gone; the one who was willing to leave your safe zone knowing full well that Chris was around. You wondered why you had spent years just dealing with whatever it was that Chris threw at you, playing off your abuse as “hey, it could’ve been worse”. You were no longer so nonchalant and used to the abuse. For the first time in years, you were actually afraid. Even knowing that you were technically safe at this very moment; you were a mass of anxiety and fear.

You grabbed your phone again, deciding that it was a better idea to have someone meet you at the room and walk with you. You chose not to bother Rob or Rich since they seemed to be the busiest people at the conventions.

You chose Kim. Kim had been your saving grace for the past few months. More than anyone else, she had helped you out through all of this; never judging you, always encouraging you, and still sticking up for you. If you couldn’t have Rob with you right now, you would certainly feel safe having Kim with you. You quickly found her name and opened up a new text message.

Y/N: Hey Kim, do you have a minute?

You moved toward the bathroom, expecting it to be a minute before she could reply, but glancing down at your phone you saw that your message had already been read.

Kim: hey! Yeah, I always have time for you!

Y/N: I wanted to come down to the con…

You thought about how to ask her to walk with you without sounding like a scared child about it.

Y/N: but I was hoping you could help me cover up these bruises first. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Kim: of course! Briana and I were waiting for you to come down. We have everything we need.

Y/N: do you have time to maybe come to my room instead?

You felt really bad for asking, knowing you would also be pulling them away from work and spending time with their friends.

Kim: we are on our way.

You smiled as you read her message. They really were too good to you. You felt a moment of gratefulness. Maybe you didn’t have a family to call your own, but Rob and his friends were more than you could ever ask for.

You tossed your phone on the bed and made your way to the bathroom. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you flinched in disgust when you saw the marks on your neck again. You had been here before. It’s not like this hadn’t been a common occurrence when you were with Chris. In fact, it had happened so often that you just became used to hiding the bruises. This time however, it disgusted you. Seeing these bruises, knowing that he did this to you again; made you angry. Even worse, it made that twinge of panic creep up in the back of your mind again. You felt yourself get dizzy again and you gripped onto the counter as you continued to stare at yourself in the mirror. Through the dizziness and the now growing shortness of breath, you glanced down at your belly. Placing your hand over your bump, you now felt guilty. There was another panic attack brewing within you and you couldn’t stop it. Your guilt was from the fact that, not only was your anxiety bad for you, but it was probably worse for your baby. Why couldn’t you stop this?

You must have been standing there for some time, trying to steady your breathing to fight off the anxiety; because you heard a knock at your door. You knew it had to be Kim and Briana. Part of you considered ignoring them for now so that they couldn’t see that you were struggling with the situation at the moment. The other part of you wanted them here. You wanted them to see and to know what you were going through. Mostly, you just wanted Rob.

Still dizzy, you made your way out of the bathroom toward the door, using your hands to guide you along the walls of the room. Your breathing became more and more erratic and you began to feel your hands and face go numb. By the time you reached the door, tears were streaming down your face as you sobbed loudly without even meaning to. You shakily opened the door, immediately greeted by Kim and Briana, whose smiles quickly fell when they saw the state that you were in. The ladies rushed in, taking hold of you as you allowed yourself to collapse into their arms. You let yourself cry, knowing that you really didn’t have a choice. You were in full panic mode and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

The women practically carried you to your bed, offering hushed whispers of “it’s okay,” and “we’re here, Y/N.” All you could do was cry and do nothing about the shaking in your body and the tightness in your chest. You cradled your belly, still worried about what all of this would do to the baby. You sat on the bed as Kim and Briana sat on either side of you, each running hands along your back to try to relax you.

You watched as Briana got her phone out, knowing that she was going to call Rob. You reached a hand up and covered her own hand and the phone, shaking your head to indicate that you didn’t want that. You had been such a burden to Rob as it was, you didn’t need to add on to it. Briana gave you a disapproving look and you were able to form a few words for her.

“Please, don’t. Not now,” you said in between short breaths. The girls continued to sit with you, trying to sooth you as the attack began to pass. Thankfully, they didn’t ever last long. Sure, they were scary as hell, but you started to feel better as your breathing steadied and the tightness in your chest subsided. Kim and Briana also felt the relief as you began to feel better.

“Are you okay?” Kim asked, still running her hand along your back.

“I-I’m okay. I just… I don’t know why this keeps happening. I should be relieved knowing that Chris is gone for now. But I can’t help but to feel so afraid.”

“What do you mean? This has happened before?” She asked.

“Yes, this morning, after Rob left.”

Briana sighed, “Y/N, this has happened twice in one day? You’ve got to tell Rob.”

“I know, and I will. But, I just don’t want to bother him. I don’t want to pull him away from what he’s doing. I can’t keep doing that to him.” You rubbed your hands together, attempting to help the numbness in your fingers dissipate.

“You’re his first priority,” Kim added, “as it should be. You and that baby.”

“I know,” you mumbled, rubbing your belly again, “I’ll talk to him after the concert tonight. I can’t make him worry before that. It’s bad enough that he can’t even play guitar because of me. By the way,” you turned to look at Kim, “how is your hand? Rob’s is pretty messed up after he hit Chris.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Kim replied, holding her hand up for you to get a better look. She had no bruising, unlike Rob. “it hurts a little, but I also didn’t hit the guy in his nose.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” you said, “I’m still sorry you had to get involved in that.”

“Totally worth it though,” Kim smiled, “I’d be happy to punch him again.”

You forced a smile, remembering why you had called them here in the first place, “hey, can we do something about this?” you asked, lifting your head to give the girls a better look at your injuries. “I really want to be at the show tonight.”

“Yeah, we can cover most of it up I think,” said Briana.

“Good. I’ve also got a cute scarf from Ruth that can hide most of it.”

“Well, let’s get this done before we miss the concert,” Kim started as she checked the time on her phone.

When the bruising was covered as much as it could be, you threw the scarf around your neck and decided that you could finally show your face at the con without worrying about people seeing anything. You followed Kim and Briana downstairs, relieved that you would make it in plenty of time for the concert. If there was anything in this world that made you feel better, it was seeing Rob performing. He had been texting you throughout the day, checking on you and practically begging you to be sure to make it for the show.

When you finally arrived to the greenroom, you spotted Rob across the room and quickly made your way to him. He noticed you as you drew closer, that amazing smile forming on his lips. When you finally reached him, you practically fell into his arms. You just wanted to feel him hold you by this point.

“H-hey,” he stuttered as you wrapped your arms around him, letting your head rest against his chest. You breathed out as he returned the embrace. You felt his hands grip into your back as hip lips placed a kiss to the top of your head.

“I missed you,” you said, not letting him go.

“I missed you too,” he chuckled, “are you okay?”

“I am now,” you replied as you pulled back from the embrace to look him in the eyes. He reached up to cup your face in his hand, allowing his thumb to trace along your skin.

“What’s going on?” he asked. He looked at you curiously, obviously not completely convinced that you were telling the truth.

“Nothing,” you began. You weren’t sure if you really wanted to bring this up at this current moment, especially since he was due on stage very soon. “I just… had a bit of a moment earlier.”

Rob frowned, “what kind of moment?”

“A panic attack… or two?” you responded, raising your shoulders and scrunching up your face as if you were questioning it yourself.

“Two?” He asked. He ran his hand over his face.

“It’s fine, I’m just having a hard time getting past what happened.”

Rob let out a heavy sigh before pulling you in for another hug, “Y/N, why didn’t you call me?”

“Because you’re busy and you have a life other than me,” you stated. it was true, he couldn’t continuously drop what he was doing to help you deal with your anxiety. “besides, they pass pretty quickly.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he pulled back again, bringing your eyes up to meet his, “promise me that you will always talk to me if you ever feel like that again. No putting it off, no hiding it.”

You nodded your head. It actually felt really nice having him be so insistent on knowing how you were feeling at all times, even if you were on the verge of a breakdown.

“You’ve got a lot going on in your mind, I know you do. You don’t talk about it often, but don’t think that I’m not aware.” He had you found out. As he spoke, you realized that your behavior hadn’t really gotten any better. If anything, you were still pretty damn good at pushing him away. Truthfully, you had been waiting for something to finally click with him so that he would realize that he was wasting his time on a broken girl who was difficult to love. It was moments like this that you knew you were wrong about him. “We’re doing so well, please know that you can talk to me about anything. I’m here to help you get through this.”

“Okay,” you whispered. You gave him a smile as he leaned in to kiss you on the lips.

“We gotta be on stage soon,” he added, “you’ll be out there, right?”

“Of course,” you responded, “wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

He ran his hand along the scarf draped over your neck, eyeing you. “You can’t even tell,” he said, obviously examining Kim and Briana’s work.

“The girls are really good with makeup,” you giggled.

He didn’t say anything else, he only wrapped his arms around you again, pulling you in so that he could kiss you. Rob pressed harder into you, parting your lips with his own. He deepened the kiss, and you melted into it. You hadn’t known it beforehand, but it was exactly what you needed. You just needed him to remind you that he wanted you, that he loved you.

You sat back as everyone around you prepared for the concert. The energy in the room was high, people laughing and talking excitedly. You watched them move about, and couldn’t help but smile at the fact that the events from the previous day hadn’t spoilt the rest of the convention. The last thing you wanted was more attention on you. You reveled in the moment of just being left alone for the time being, until Rich found you.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said as he sat next to you, “how are you doing?” He looked at you with genuine concern and you knew what he was referring to.

“I’m fine mostly,” you assured him, “I’d be better if people stopped bringing it up though.” You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh toward him, but it was true. If everyone would stop talking about it and asking you if you were okay, you’d probably deal with it better. Of course, you weren’t okay. You were currently a mess and on edge most of the time, worrying that you’d panic again.

“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly. He moved his eyes from yours, looking a bit ashamed at having brought it up.

“No, I’m sorry,” you sighed at his reaction, “I know you’re just checking on me, and I appreciate it, but it’s hard to deal with everything when it’s always right in my face; you know?”

“I get it, and I won’t bring it up again.”

“Thank you,” you placed a hand on his arm, grateful that he was willing to drop the topic completely.

“Look, I’ve already got to go,” Rich said as he noticed the rest of the cast heading for the door, “looks like we’re starting. But,” he turned his attention back to you, “I just wanted to give you a heads up… don’t be surprised if Rob maybe… possibly mentions you tonight and, by mentions you, I mean draws attention to you.”

You frowned, “what do you mean?”

“I can’t really say, and I told him to at least give you warning, but I know he didn’t.” Rich stood up, now looking down at you. “Just, don’t be surprised. And it’s nothing to freak out about… just go with it.”

You felt your heartbeat quicken as Rich turned and exited the room with everyone else. What did he mean? What was Rob going to do? You couldn’t help but to feel a bit of anxiety over knowing that something was going to happen but you didn’t have details as to what it was. The only thing that eased your mind slightly was knowing that Rob would never put you in a scary situation and he would never do anything to hurt you. You finally came to the conclusion that maybe he was finally ready to be open about the fact that he was in a relationship. You both knew that the fans knew about you. There were the pictures from Nashville and even pictures from the Louden Swain show that you had been at where Rob had no qualms over kissing you and signing to you in front of everyone. Of course the fans knew. Maybe he just wanted to confirm it. Or, maybe he was ready to make the announcement about the baby. You were through the first trimester, and it was a good time to make the announcement. You just weren’t sure about announcing it to a room full of fans. The thought made you nervous. You didn’t understand the fan relationship really since you were always a behind-the-scenes kind of person in the music industry.

Whatever it was that Rich had meant… whatever it was that Rob was up to, you relaxed with the knowledge that it would be okay.

A volunteer escorted you to your seat in the theater. You wanted to watch from the crowd, it was your favorite way to see the band play. Backstage was no way to experience a concert. You thanked the volunteer as you took your seat which was a few rows from the stage and off to the right. Not as close as the first time you had seen Rob play, but you weren’t complaining. You looked around the room at the faces of the excited fans, a grin spreading across your face just knowing that these people were here to see the guys play. Occasionally, you’d catch the stares of a few people around you. Some would stare at you, then turn when you noticed them to talk to the person next to them. You chuckled, wondering if you had been recognized.

As you began to relax more in your seat, the show finally started.

You watched them play, with the same excitement that you felt the first time you saw them in Nashville. It didn’t matter, every time they played… no matter where they were, it was always an amazing performance. This time however, you felt it was strange to see Rob perform without playing a guitar. Your eyes fell to his injured hand and your chest tightened when you remembered what had happened. Yes, he had hurt it because of you… but more importantly, he had hurt it defending you. The thought made you feel butterflies again. You decided to no longer feel bad about it, but now you felt extremely lucky to have a man like him.

You caught yourself singing along to the songs with the rest of the crowd, finally feeling like you fit in. The set was similar to the one you had seen in Nashville, so it was easy to sing along. Only this time, there were a few guests who joined the bad to sing. Kim, Briana, Ruth, Matt… Rich obviously joining to play bass.

When Rob started “She Waits”, you realized it was getting closer to the end of the set. So, you tried hard to really enjoy the last few songs. You watched intently as he sang. You loved the way he sang any song, but this one was especially important to him and you couldn’t help but be amazed at how intense and emotional he became every time he sang it.

The usual happened. The band exited, only to return again for an encore. You knew they would probably sing “Amazing” and they would definitely sing “Medicated.” So, you waited excitedly since you really loved “Medicated.” It was always fun; not just for the band and the cast, but for the fans as well. Instead of going right into the first song of the encore, Rob got to the mic and began to talk. You felt your nerves act up again when you realized that he was, in fact, talking about you.

“A little while ago,” he began, “I met someone by chance, and she turned out to be probably the most important person in the world to me.”

You felt your face flush with embarrassment as you watched him scan the room for you. You moved down in your seat to try to hide, smiling like a fool at the same time.

“I know she’s here,” Rob continued, “and I was hoping she’d come join me up here for a moment.”

Rich had been right. Rob had, in fact, just called you out in front of everyone. You had expected him to simply tell everyone you were his girlfriend, but you didn’t expect this. You knew you couldn’t leave him hanging up there by refusing to take the stage, but the nervousness was overwhelming. You started to shake your head in response, even knowing he couldn’t actually see you.

You wanted to go to him, but you froze. You could feel eyes on you and when you looked around, you realized that a lot more people knew who you were than you could have ever expected. Much of the audience in your area were looking right at you.

“Y/N?” You heard Rob call your name from the stage. You had definitely been spotted by him finally. You caught his gaze the best you could, pleading silently with him to stop. But, he only smiled at you, still waiting for you to join him. You felt the person next to you nudge your arm and you turned to look at her. She gave you an encouraging smile and said, “Go!” You nodded at her, feeling a lot more calm when you realized that she wasn’t shooting you dirty looks. You knew that had always been your main issue with being noticed by Rob’s fans. You didn’t want to deal with the jealousy that you thought often came along with fandom. For some reason, this woman’s simple encouragement made you realize that maybe, his fans just weren’t that way.

Before you realized it, you were willing yourself to stand up. You scooted past the other people in the row of seats, heart still racing. You clutched your belly protectively, now wondering if they could all tell now that literally every eye in the room was on you.

You walked to the side of the stage, stopping for a moment to look at Rob. He motioned for you to keep going, keeping that sweet smile on. You finally did as he had asked and stepped on to the stage. When you got to him, he embraced you and you took the moment to try to figure out what was going on.

“What are you doing?” you hissed in his ear. The idea of being in front of all these people had you now on edge.

“It’s okay,” he laughed, “trust me.”

He let you go and moved back to the microphone.

“This is Y/N, I’m sure most of you have seen her around,” the audience cheered which caught you off guard slightly since you were expecting “boos” to start at any minute.

“She’s your girlfriend!” someone shouted from the crowd. Rob laughed at the outburst.

“Yes, she is. But, she’s also a really amazing songwriter who happens to have an even more amazing voice,” He turned his head to face you, motioning for you to come closer. “And, if it’s okay with her, I was hoping we could sing a song that we wrote together.”

The crowd cheered louder now and Rob moved to grab a guitar which he brought back to you. You took it from him hesitantly as you spoke to him.

“Really, what are you doing?”

“Come on, you’ve done this before. I saw you at your show, you poured your heart out in front of those people and you haven’t been on stage since. You put everything on hold for me, and for our son. It’s time.” He brushed a hand against your stomach as you held the guitar at your side.

You realized that he hadn’t stopped thinking about you and your career. You had often thought about when you would ever be able to finish recording, when you would be able to perform again. You hadn’t thought about the possibility of Rob caring about all of that.

“You’ve got to play,” he said, holding up his hand to remind you that he couldn’t, “Let’s do ‘Pushin’ Time’”

“We’ve sang it once,” you argued, feeling nervous that you wouldn’t remember it, “what if I fuck up?”

“You won’t. You got this.”

You adjusted the guitar, standing at the microphone as Rob moved to the next one over. You cleared your throat as you tried to look out into the crowd. Luckily, you were mostly blinded by the lights, so you couldn’t really tell just how many people were watching you. You swallowed hard and began to strum the tune. Rob had really put you at the center of attention, and although you were nervous as hell, you glanced over at him again and just seeing his face light up at the realization you were actually going to do this made your worries dissipate.

You started to sing, just as you had done with Rob in the privacy in his home. You started the first verse shakily, not sure if you could gather your composure at this point.

Are we fools for rushing in? ‘Cause already dread the end Lonely ain’t no place to start I guess thats just where we are

You breathed a little easier, focusing on playing the right notes as Rob took over the next verse, just as he had done the only other time you had sang the song together.

Oh, how I remember well The sunset on April 12th I disappeared to get a drink You still kept your eyes on me

You joined him in the chorus again. You suddenly began to feel less nervous. There was something about having him there with you, singing with you. Your voices blended together and you felt the familiar shivers down your spine at the sound.

Sometimes love acts out of spite And good things happen over night Can’t take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin’ time

When it was your turn for the next verse, you glanced over to Rob who met your gaze. He smiled at you, and you couldn’t help but sing just for him. In that moment, you knew there were hundreds of people watching the two of you, but you felt as if they had disappeared; so it was only you and him, singing to each other again.

I didn’t plan on falling fast I didn’t know I could be kissed like that Now I’m trading miles for minutes This bed’s too big without you in it

You both made it through the chorus again, and you watched Rob intently as he took the last verse. You really did love this man. Just the fact that he had pulled you up here to sing the song that you had written together, the song that was about the two of you and this whirlwind of a romance that you had both fallen into; it made you happy to know that he didn’t care what anyone thought of your relationship. He was in this with you and only you.

Sometimes love acts out of spite And good things happen over night Can’t take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin’ time Can’t take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin’ time

You strummed out the final notes, surprised that you had managed to play the song all the way through with no mistakes. While you had started out nervous as hell, you now felt very comfortable up there with him as the audience cheered for the two of you.

Rob walked toward you, taking your hand as you waved to the fans. You laughed as he helped you remove the guitar and returned it to its spot behind you.

“Thank you,” you said as he hugged you again, “that was actually a lot of fun.”

He pulled back and kissed you, right there in front of everyone. You could almost hear the fans screaming louder as you lost yourself in his kiss for a moment. When he was done, you gripped his hand and moved to make your way off the stage finally. That had been enough attention for one night and you were happy to let him get back to performing with his band. Before you could take a step, he gripped your hand tighter and pulled you back so that he could stand in front of the microphone.

“Hold on,” he said to you, not letting go of your hand, “there’s one more thing…”

You cocked your head at him out of curiosity. Surely this night couldn’t be filled with any more surprises. He finally let go of your hand once he was sure you were staying put so that he could take the mic from its stand, then he began to speak again. You expected him to address the audience, but he instead faced you, eyes never leaving your face as he spoke.

“We’ve been through a lot together,” he started; this time, attempting to take your hand again with his own injured hand. You chuckled at his attempt and held onto him softly as he continued, “It’s been really crazy and really difficult sometimes; but I want you to know that I love you and I always have.”

You felt your face flush again. Why was he saying all of this in front of everyone? Your mind began to race with thoughts of what was going on.

“From that moment that I met you in Nashville, I knew you were it for me. I knew you were the one. And we didn’t expect everything to happen so quickly, but it did. Now, we’re starting a family, and I couldn’t be happier about that.” He moved his bandaged hand to your belly as he said the words. You were sure the entire room had finally been validated in their thoughts that you might be pregnant.

“What are you doing, Rob?” you finally spoke, still unsure of what was happening.

You caught a hint of a sly smile cross his lips. He let go of your hand suddenly, moving the mic to his bad hand the best he could, and reached into the pocket on the inside of his waistcoat. He fumbled for a moment, and you couldn’t help but notice that he had become very nervous about something suddenly. When he found what he was searching for, he regained his composure, still holding the mic in his bad hand as he reached back with the other to take your hand yet again. You felt something in his palm and he gripped your hand tightly. You tried to move a bit, to see if you could figure out what it was, but his grip only tightened as you did so. You narrowed your eyes at him in confusion as he dropped to one knee on the stage.

Your heart stopped briefly, still unsure of what was happening, but knowing exactly what this looked like. Rob moved the microphone back to his lips and continued to speak.

“Y-you have to know how happy you make me. You have to know how much I love you,” he began to stutter, growing nervous again. You smiled at how adorable he was when he was in this moment. You weren’t positive, but you had a good idea of what was happening now.

“Rob,” you said, hoping he could hear you. You realized that the audience had grown silent, they too were waiting for… whatever this was.

“Y/N, w-will you make me the luckiest man in the world?” He paused for a moment and you looked into his eyes that were now almost pleading with you. He was now a wreck, and you weren’t sure if he could make it through whatever it was that he was about to ask.

“Rob,” you said again, this time feeling tears well up in your eyes. You couldn’t believe this was happening right now, but you were sure it was. He grinned at the sound of your voice and he continued.

“Y/N… will you marry me?”

Tag List: @tas898, @wolfyangel-is-a-pluviophile, @narisjournal-blog, @dont-hate-relate-pls, @waywardswain, @nerdyforyourbooks, @perksofbeingafangirl26, @crowley-you-sinnamon-roll, @pepperwoodatnight, @idk-fandom, @please-stop-killing-dean, @b-northington, @sclerafantrash, @itsilvermorny, @jannalionheart, @feelmyroarrrr, @capital-eyyyy-ohhh, @prlncess-nuala, @nekodresden85, @thebookisbtr, @internationalfandomgirl, @smoothdogsgirl, @chantelle-c333. @emilywells19 @laffytaffyhumor @lucifersxvessel @thefelinemedia78 @onlyanothersocialcasualty @typicalweirdbookworm @littleshone @a-queen-and-her-throne @fandooomqueenforyou @spnackleholicswainer @omgitss0y @girl-next-door-writes @destielschild @fangirl1855 @your-not-invisible-to-me @bea789 @a-michellerae-things @multi-fan-dom-madness @winchestergirl-13 @ncisgothchick

#rob benedict fan fiction #rob benedict x reader #ready steady

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tedescu · 5 years

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UNSTABLE

My dad used to complain of horse pains. None of us knew what horse pains were. To this day, I haven’t met anyone outside our immediate family who’s familiar with the infirmity—except maybe a horse. More peculiar than the condition itself was the pleasure Dad took in knowing that nobody understood him. You can ask my mom if I’m making this up. Ask my sisters about Dad’s “horse pains.” They’ll tell you how he cracked himself up every time he mentioned them, the way his face flushed like a beet when he laughed. And how he’d suddenly turn solemn and shuffle off as though nothing had happened, leaving the rest of us baffled.

For years, I was convinced that Dad was laughing at me. Something about my eyes seemed to set the man off whenever he stared at me. He’d start groaning and screwing up his face, as though some dark, perplexing force had taken hold of him. How unnerving!

“Dad??? Dad, what is it?”

No response.

“C’mon, Dad, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s just those...pains again.”

“Pains? What pains?”

“Horse pains!” he’d bellow into my face, then guffaw so violently, I could feel his spittle ricochet off my nose. It’s a wonder he didn’t rupture a pipe in his head. A moment later, his mirth would sour, and he’d disappear into his office, while I stood there feeling like a damned fool.

For the life of me, I could not fathom what Dad saw in me that was so painful, or so funny. Was “pains” a metaphor for “crap?” Was he telling me I was a horse’s ass? Or was I just a pain? My selfesteem suffered terribly. I spent my teen and early adult years feeling like the butt of a joke that made sense only to my dad. I didn’t dare confront him for fear of exacerbating his condition and inviting even more derision.

Too ashamed to share my sorrows with the family, I found solace in the company of cheap, older women who showed me enough respect to at least wait till I left the room before laughing at me. I took up with thieves and lowlifes, who roamed the city in packs, plundering pay phones and vandalizing mailboxes. I swilled wine on street corners, shouted the F-word at passers-by, peed on the sidewalk whenever I felt the urge. How many nights did I spend passed out on someone’s doorstep? Or in jail? I began smoking cigarettes. Broke my mom’s heart. Did my old man care?

It wasn’t till I was older and my life in shambles that I experienced a moment of clarity that altered forever my perception of the bizarre little man we called “Dad.” I realized that I wasn’t the one he was laughing at. What the old man actually saw when he looked into my eyes...was his reflection in my glasses. His reflection! All those years I’d been agonizing over my failures, believing he despised me for a worthless schmuck, and the guy was laughing at himself. I couldn’t wait to share this revelation with the others.

That’s when I learned that both my sisters, who also wore glasses, bore the same emotional scars I did. Each blamed herself for Dad's affliction, just as I had. Each had retreated into her own dysfunctional universe, raged at life in mysterious ways and, like me, never gave two hoots and a fart about the misery she caused our mom. It was amazing, once we compared notes on the old man, how the pieces tumbled into place.

“I felt like a fat beast whenever he looked at me,” Megan confessed one morning over doughnuts.

“Dammit, so did I!” remarked Leah, stomping her hoof. “He made me feel not only fat, but comical.”

“Amen, sister! He made me feel like I belonged...”

“...in a circus.”

“...on a farm.”

“Drawing crowds.”

“Drawing flies.”

“Learning to jump.”

“Taking a dump.”

“Like I reminded him of...of...”

“Yeah, like I reminded him of, uh...”

Of what?

“A horse?”

“A horse!”

Of course, of course!

For the first time, I saw the psychological havoc that joker had wreaked upon my two messed up siblings. I understood now why chunky little Megan, who looked so cute at 7 in her pony tail and Coke bottle lenses, shaved her head when she was 14 and defected to a convent. I recalled the starvation cults, the enemas laced with mescaline, the fires in the toilet bowl, trips to Tibet, to the emergency room; her lifelong fixation with sticking pins in fat people. There was that night she flipped out on Ritalin and stool softeners and tried to kill me! The angst, the rebellion: it made sense now.

And there was Leah, the eldest and most precociously disturbed of us three, who had her first mid-life crisis when she was 18 And who, in her quest to find herself, dredged up 11 different personalities. Unfortunately, none of them wore contacts.

A lifetime of putting up with Dad’s unmuzzled wisecracks left both ladies spiritually ravaged, emotionally barren, childless, friendless, clueless, and altogether hopeless. Afraid to love, too lazy to find meaningful employment, Megan and Leah now mooch off their mom by day, and sing in a rock band at night. The manure he made them go through was shameful!

Mostly, I pity our mom: myopic and foureyed since she was 9, saddled with that animal for over forty years! How ridiculous and unlovely she must have felt every time he gazed into her soft blue portals...and laughed! What could those outbursts have suggested, but that her beloved stallion was trotting about in another man’s pasture, frolicking with some young mare, comelier and less amusing than herself?

Not once in our tormented little lives did any of us think to remove our glasses in the old man’s presence. Except Mom, who I suppose took hers off at bedtime—or, whenever Dad rolled her in the hay (which is probably the only time any of us got to laugh at him for a change).

Dad’s Acute Obsessive Reflection Disorder (for want of a better term) might explain why he always cackled in front of the bathroom mirror while shaving. Or why he found a blank computer screen so amusing. Or why the only fun he had watching television was when the set was turned off. Ask anybody. The guy, I kid you not, would peer into the dark tube for hours after everyone had gone to bed, and giggle himself into a stupor. He thought we didn’t hear him!

Oh, the endless nights our mom lay wake, waiting for Dad to come to bed, only to find him passed out in front of the dark set at 4 AM, slobber rolling down his chin. I’d hear her hauling his tail into the bedroom. She tried not to disturb the rest of us, didn’t want us seeing our father in this condition. But we knew.

You’d never guess, from his spasms of hilarity, how humorless Dad was at heart. Nothing in life gave him pleasure. When he didn’t laugh, he brooded. He was either hysterical or morose; there was no inbetween. Eventually, he quit smiling altogether. I’m not sure Dad ever really smiled. He only laughed. And no one could make Dad do that...except Dad.

The man became increasingly withdrawn, forced by “the pains” to leave his job. He no longer made eye contact with people, merely stared off into space for hours at a stretch. Not even Mom could coax him out of his funk. His only companion was a small pocket mirror he kept inside his pants. Every evening after sundown, he’d lock himself in his office and whip it out, then work himself into an orgasm of hilarity that resonated throughout the house. The louder Dad roared, the more pitifully Mom sobbed.

Who would imagine that one man’s humor could produce such anguish in others? I look back now on the years of therapy my sisters and I had to endure. All that money spent treating the wrong people!

One night, Dad went into a laughing seizure from which he never recovered. He ended his days in an asylum, a wasted, jabbering wretch who responded to nothing but his own reflection. So it was that the person who made us cry, laughed himself to death.

We should have seen it coming. Portents of Dad’s tragic finale had been literally staring us in the face since Day One. By the time we understood what was happening, the man had wandered too far out of his barn. There was no reining him in.

The old man had busted his bridle. And the horse pains finally brought him down.

#dysfunctional family #laughter

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i-write-supernatural-imagines · 7 years

Text

Request: Quiet

Request: Could you write one with dean x reader and he gets the reader pregnant but she's not quite 18 yet?

Word Count: 1,504

I suppose teenage pregnancy is a warning? If it’s going to bother you, maybe steer clear. Much love<3

You were just a week past your tenth birthday when you killed your first vampire. You’ll never forget the moment as long as you live – you weren’t supposed to follow your parents into the woods, nor were you supposed to have a weapon on you. But curiosity got the best of you, and you ended up traipsing through the undergrowth with all the stealth of an elephant.

It popped out on you – before you even had time to scream, you’d been tackled to the ground, and yet you still managed to keep hold of your knife. It was the only thing you knew – like an iron grip on its handle could keep you tethered to the Earth, protected from the razor-like fangs scraping at your throat. Your blood was nothing but adrenaline, and your thoughts were more like impulses – next thing you knew, the vampire was slumped on top of you and your father was dragging you to your feet, yelling but grinning with pride.

It’s not the moment that has imprinted on your memory so much as the fear – since that day, you vowed never to be so afraid again. Not when your parents died, not when you just barely slipped beyond the threshold of life and death, not even when Lucifer himself was stood over you. Nothing has managed to surpass that moment – until now.

“Y/N? Everything alright in there?” Dean’s voice comes from outside the pokey little bathroom, of which you’re perched on the edge of the bath that’s more like an enlarged sink.

“Fine! Just washing my face, give me a minute.” You reply, trying to keep the tremor out of your voice as you force yourself to stand on shaking legs, and shove the tiny white stick into your pocket, well-hidden from the eyes of either bother, however observant.

Dean seems to be appeased by that, much to your relief, and after a moment you hear his footsteps creaking back across the rickety floorboards. You release a breath you didn’t know you were holding, and cling to the sink for balance, as you look at your grey-tinted face in the mirror, red-rimmed eyes laden with dark circles. You known something was up, and this was a last-ditch attempt to avoid calling for an angel.

Pregnant. It hadn’t been planned – that’s for sure. You and Dean… not a mistake. That’s not what it was, what it is. But he’s older, and you’re not even eighteen yet – despite having the maturity of an adult, thanks to the life you had growing up – and you just know that he’s going to completely freak when he finds out. If. When.

For the first time in a long time, you’re genuinely fearful of what the future holds.

***

It’s quiet in the motel room, the silence broken only by the breathing of the two brothers, slept in the beds beside you – you’d crept out of Dean’s hold just a few minutes ago, a short enough amount of time that the air is still chilled on your skin, despite the hoodie you’ve huddled yourself into.

This is the easiest, and the most painless – what Dean doesn’t know isn’t going to hurt him. What the rest of the world doesn’t know won’t hurt him. You’ve survived on your own before, and you can do it again, as much as the thought tears your heart in two.

You carefully tuck your jeans into the bag, your hand ghosting over the lump of plastic in the pocket: the one that sealed your fate; that made this decision for you. After a moment of hesitation, you zip the bag up, and pull it onto your shoulder – only for Dean to shift and groan, prising one eye open and looking up at you in the darkness.

“Y/N?” He rasps, frowning – his eyes catch the reflection of the sodium orange glow outside and meet yours. You flinch, unable to hold his gaze.

“Go back to sleep, Dean. Nothing to worry about.” You try to reassure him – if you can get him to go back to sleep before he wakes fully and realises what’s going on, you still stand a chance of getting out of here without any problems.

He obviously thinks about it, then sits up a little more, “Is that your bag?”

“I was just-“

“Y/N, are you leaving?” He hisses, sparing a glance to his brother, who sleeps as soundly as ever, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” You hiss, “Sleep, Dean, really.”

“You can’t lie to a liar, Y/N.” He’s up and out of the bed before you can think twice, looking you over – from your hoodie to your shoes, to the absence of everything you own from where it had been discarded around the room, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” You try being authoritative, but he isn’t buying it, “I just needed some air.”

“With all your stuff?”

“Yes.” You don’t see any other way out of this, and he narrows his eyes at you.

“Alright then, we’ll go together.” He says, reaching out and taking your hand in his. After a few moments, you have to concede and admit defeat, giving a small nod and following him into the cold night air. It raises goosebumps on your skin, but you don’t let it show, remaining by Dean’s side for a few moments.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” He asks softly after a few moments, watching you closely, “You’ve barely spoken to me or Sam in a couple of days, you wouldn’t go out with us last night, and you’re acting like hunting is the last thing in the world you want to do.”

“It is.”

“Is it some kind of… identity crisis? You don’t want to hunt anymore? You’re young, Y/N, you can get out, there’s still time.” Immediately, he begins mentally running through possibilities, ways to keep you safe once you’re gone, “You know we’re with you, whatever you-“

“It’s not that.” You interrupt, rubbing your hands over your face impatiently, “It’s going to be you wanting rid of me soon, anyway. Stop acting like the saint in all of this.”

“You know I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You can tell he’s starting to get frustrated and anxious – you don’t blame him. You just wish you’d been able to get away before he’d managed to question it.

“You don’t need an idea. You just need to let me go.” You inform him, forcing yourself to turn and meet his eyes, “I’m fine, Dean. I will be. You just need to let me leave.”

“Not until I know what’s going on with you.”

“It’s none of your business.” Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is.

“I don’t care.” He reaches out, taking your hand in both of his, “Listen to me, Y/N. These last few months… they’ve been great. You’re great. And I know it’s less than conventional, but what is?”

“Stop talking.”

“Why?! You’re acting like something horrible is about to happen!” He insists, squeezing your hand, “Y/N, please, I’m begging you here. Stop freaking me out – whatever is it, we’ll muddle through together, just like always.”

“I’m pregnant.” No point sugarcoating it – might as well let him push you away and be done with it now. He pauses, frozen by your confession for a few moments.

“Don’t joke.”

“I’m not.” You deadpan, pulling your hand away from his and folding your arms over your chest, “See? I told you, you wouldn’t like it.”

“It’s not that.” He shakes his head, “Y/N… you… you didn’t tell me. This is my business, for crying out loud. I’ve ruined your life.”

“Here you go again! Ever the martyr! It’s nothing to do with you if I say it is.” You snap, “Look, you haven’t ruined anything that wasn’t ruined anyway.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“Why? You did.” You step back from him, “Look, Dean, if you have an issue, I’ll go. I’ll stay with Bobby until I can figure out something safe, and then… I don’t know. But I’ll figure it out.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” He growls, stepping closer, “You’re my problem, Y/N. You’re my business. I want you to be my business.” He reaches out, offering his hands to you, “Listen. Really listen. I get that this isn’t… normal. By any standard. And if you want to go, I’m not going to stop you.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave you, or Sam.” You confess, the fear returning in a great wave, “I’m scared, Dean. It’s new and scary and big and I don’t want to do it on my own.”

“You don’t have to. You never have to.” He promises, watching as you place your hands in his so be can pull you closer and press an affectionate kiss to your brow, “We’ve been in this together. Right from day one, and until you say otherwise, alright? As much as it terrifies me, I love you, and this baby… it’s just another hurdle. A hurdle we can pass, because we’re together.”

Part two maybe?

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bitter-ramblings · 7 years

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Tw: rape, sexual abuse

Pretty heavy stuff, major viewers discretion advised.

I’ve been sexually abused for as long as I can remember. Boom, that’s a fucking bombshell.

As with a lot of people who were abused young, my abuser was a family member, my cousin in fact. He’d got only one year on me, but that year was enough. I don’t remember a time when we weren’t playing with each other, every Sunday we’d be locked in the back kitchen after dinner and be left to our own devices. I remember one time we were caught naked covering each other in ink stamps.

Of course, as he got older he learned more and wanted to explore more, and I didn’t know enough that I needed to stop him. Not till I was 11 and received sex education from a shitty video at primary school, prior to that I had no idea about anything. After that, I became a lot more wary, fearful of pregnancy (hadn’t begun menstruating at that time but I was scared all the same). He wanted to have sex properly, but I was scared of the pain, so his answer to that was anal.

In order to alleviate my fear of losing my virginity (an outdated concept I fucking loathe) I broke my own hymen using a fragrance bottle, hurt like a bitch but I didn’t bleed. I kind of felt a surge of pride that no one would ever be able to hurt me like that. By the time we were 16 this behaviour had dwindled practically into nothingness, he visited less and less and we both moved on. He got himself a girlfriend, and I… Was terrified of everyone. I very rarely see him these days, only at family gatherings and then he refuses to be alone with me.

When I was 14 in high school there was a boy I talked to called Carl, again he was a year older than me. Carl was previously in a relationship with my friend Mousey, and he pined over them something terrible and decided that he’d try and worm his way back in by taking advantage of me. Me, being the naive kid that I was. He invited me over to his house to meet his dog, who he punched and abused, he does not deserve a dog so sweet and loving at all.

He’d just come back from holiday and had brought back some absinthe, which I then foolishly drank and it put me on my arse. I remember him pulling me upstairs and pushing me onto the bed. I was unable to speak coherently, so I put my hands over myself. He flipped me over and had his way with my backside. It was quick at least. Afterwards, I staggered to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, he followed me and laughed when he saw he’d made me bleed. He then left me where I was and went downstairs to watch Scrubs. I fucking hate that show. I had to walk home.

I wasn’t sexually active again until I was 18 and going to Reaseheath College, studying to be a zoologist. It strange I used to have ambition, but that was squashed pretty quickly. I wasn’t friends with anyone (had a really bad time, more on that another story), I was just wandering aimlessly around the campus in the cold, trying not to cry because of how fucking miserable I was. I was approached by Dei, a welsh farming student at the college, 1-3 years older than me. He approached me and asked me if I was okay. I was in such a bad place that I actually just tried to sidestep him. He persisted and introduced himself, asking if I needed a friend and somewhere to go. He told me he’d find me later as he had class.

Soon I was invited back to his room and we spent out time together watching Eddsworld and Tomska, at first. He was pursuing a girl called Becky but somehow deluded himself that he thought I liked him. I liked him as a friend, but he’d always say “don’t fall in love with me okay?” And it pissed me off to no end. For someone so interested in someone else he was eager to stick his cock in my mouth. He’d frequently urge me to do things because he wanted to help me ‘learn’. He frequently treated me like a child because of my inexperience and would talk down to me.

I’d go to his room for a nap, or just to get away from the hell I was already putting up with at college. I started just blanking him out, letting him go about his business, just focusing on the videos. Ironically Darksquidges sex education is one I remember watching. (Funnily enough, Tom Ridgewell, the owner of both Darksquidge and Tomska, his videos are a good coping mechanism for me, both he and Edd from Eddsworld were very dear to me growing up, and I managed to regain joy in watching them.) Dei bit my ear so hard he damaged the cartilage. He never knew when to stop.

At the same time, this was happening I met Tyler, also at Reasheath, also 1-3 years older than me. (Not Tyler Durden, but close.) The first time I ever met Tyler I was in the library doing some work, he approached me and told me I sit funny. He then sat beside me and started telling me his life story of being born in Malaysia and how evil his parents are. He also hated Dei, and was friends with the aforementioned Becky. He told me he wanted to save me from Dei, which I thought was complete bullshit.

After meeting me twice he declared himself my boyfriend. He’d frequently touch me in public, and once I got him off in the library. He’d frequently drag me into the disabled toilets. The first time we went in there, he made me give him a blowjob and he came in my mouth, which I specifically asked him not to do. His cum was gross, and he started doing it regularly. He’d buy me a strawberry YOP as an 'apology’. He told me he loved me and it made me feel sick, but what was worse was that he seemed to genuinely believe that he did.

Once I reported him for assaulting me. Do you know what they said to me? “Are you sure? He’s such a nice boy. Did you lead him on? Maybe you misunderstood.” That made me feel like absolute shit and nothing was ever followed up with it. I eventually left Reaseheath with no qualifications because of all the distress I was in.

When I was 20, I’d gone back to my local college and was once again studying animal management. And I was so happy. It was the first time I was openly trans, and I was accepted and validated by my classmates every day. They were false friends and I couldn’t stand any of them, but they made me feel good about myself. One person, in particular, was a lad named Reece.

We had a lot in common and I liked him, but he wasn’t into guys and was pining after the resident pretty girl of the class. She made it pretty clear he’d got no chance and he took it really hard, I supported him throughout. One time we were watching Full Metal Alchemist brotherhood on his bed and he turned to me and kissed me. I was understandably thrilled and soon had his shirt off. Everything was all well and good as he undressed me, except for the fact that I actually neglected to tell him I don’t have a penis. Him being a straight guy you’d think this would be a good thing but apparently not. He went down on me, but soon just straightened up and announced: “this is wrong.” And stomped away. He actually left the house, leaving me in his bedroom naked. I got dressed and went down, asked his mum to keep an eye on him because “I think I made a mistake” and then walked home. He refused to talk to me or even look at me for the rest of the academic year, and still to his day ignores me if he sees me walking by.

That same year, Tyler was in Stoke and invited me out for drinks, I foolishly agreed because apparently I never fucking learn. I went to Wetherspoons with him and his friend James. They got me drunk, drove me to the local park and they took turns with me. This was the first instance of vaginal penetration via a penis I’d encountered, so by conventional standards, I lost my virginity at the age of 20, in a threesome whilst being guilty as all fuck over Reece.

My asexual pal Mousey got sick of people saying “you can’t be asexual if you’ve never had sex” and I was chosen as tribute. It was quite an honour to be honest, that they trusted me with their body in this way. They came and offered to reciprocate, but I declined the offer. I didn’t want them to do something they’d regret. This happened a few times but they are most definitely comfortable in their asexuality.

For my 21st birthday, I went on a tinder date with someone who became very dear to me. Sex with him was easy and passionate, I wasn’t afraid, I trusted him so easily. What I wasn’t aware of was that he was in a relationship at the time (shit was really fucked up and it’s not my business to go into details or judge), and his having sex with me brought an end to the relationship. He taught me the poly ways and introduced me to his other partners.

I was so happy, I felt included and cared about for the first time. We got together officially after Halloween, with some very passionate hotel sex as a celebration. Things were good, he introduced me to his friends and I went to the pub quiz with them. I felt like I’d found my place. But then as so often happens with me, shit got fucked real quick.

He had to break up with one of his partners due to issues they were having, he got together in a neat little triad (like holy shit they are so cute), but his mental health took a dive so badly, he couldn’t spend any time with me. At that time I was going through some bad shit myself, in fact, I attempted suicide. I started drinking too much and making a nuisance of myself. I didn’t feel appreciated, called him pompous. He always felt he knew best and treated me like a child. Probably because I was acting like it, but I’ve never liked ‘holier than thou’ attitudes.

I started to feel that he didn’t want me to be part of his world anymore. The invitations to go places with him stopped, the kisses and the murmured 'i love you’s. He outright refused to take me to kink events, “it’s too much for you” “you don’t have to get into kink” without any regard to the fact that I wanted to explore who I am. He labelled me a “blue player” meaning I can't reach orgasm with another person. Maybe that’s true, but I didn’t appreciate him not trying very hard.

Because of my past history, he wouldn’t treat me roughly, he wouldn’t hold me down and take me. I think he choked me twice and that was more to show that he could after I goaded him for being a chicken. He always treated me like I was delicate, and I ended up resenting him for it. The roughest thing he ever did, he did when drunk and can’t remember it. (A lot of the sex we had was when we were drunk, maybe that says something) He held my head and throat fucked me then came on my face… Then fell asleep. And they say romance is dead.

There was one time I really needed him with me, and he physically could not get out of bed to help me, utterly crippled by the weight of his own depression. I didn’t blame him, I know how he feels. That’s when I knew I needed to let him go. He didn’t need me, we couldn’t help each other the way we were now.

I let him go on valentine’s day. I miss the time I used to spend with him, but we weren’t doing each other any favours towards the end, I think I made the right decision for the both of us. He is happy with his partners, and it brings me joy to see them so happy together.

Last time I had sex was January 25th, at a cuddle and play party. There were so many lovely people there and it was such a lovely environment. Curse my shyness. But I did meet up with the two people I’d been most eager to meet. Now that was a good night. Lots of exploration and good times, it was very playful. (Best dick I’ve ever had was attached to a woman) I was fucking baffled when I was asked what I like and how I like it. I was never really given many options previously. But after all was said and done, my mental state just crashed and I froze, I went to sit under a table away from other guests because I was so overwhelmed by everything. Both of them were so understanding, and I managed to talk to a few more people before the night was through.

The thing that fucks me up most in regards to sex is that I can have someone completely at my mercy, pinned under me and begging for me… And then I look down… And I don’t have a penis. The shock and horror I feel is incomparable to anything else. The fact that I will never be able to feel myself sliding into someone and fucking them senseless is honestly something that brings me great distress.

Maybe that’s why I like Doggystyle so much, my eyes are facing forward, I don’t look down and see what I’m missing. It’s such a headfuck to just not see a penis there, I cannot explain the bizarreness of it. Mostly just rambling. At some point, I’ll be doing a post about kinks as I’ve been specifically asked about what they are and where they stem from.

#Sammy speaks #tw: rape #tw: abuse #tw: transphobia #tw: incest #being poly is one of the best thing that's ever happened to me #probably about time people knew #my family has no idea about any of this #the rape or the kinkery or even the poly #feel free to ask me stuff or whatever #either on here or Facebook or fetlife if you have me #bitter-sammy #thetomska

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