#im using my physically compromised position to read

[astrocarbon]

colonization is funny. it shapes the history of the colonized land, yet constitutes only a short paragraph in the history of the colonizer

#im using my physically compromised position to read #and compare what i learned in american history classes to the history of the philippines #its sad. so much of filipino history is about being colonized #and the philippines took up only a couple of sentences in my history books #and it was just listing the fact that it was acquired. nothing more

[inkykeiji]

just read "I'm about to show you the beginning is the end" - it was amazing, by the way!! - and *god* touya-nii reminded me of my ex there. I won't go into all the nasty details but he'd often get upset with me over something small or out of my control, leave me (whether it be a breakup or ghosting me), and me having to contact a family member to get through to him and "compromise". His compromises weren't as nice as the little necklace Touya got reader but HEY thats not the point here😭

anywayyy reason im rambling about this is because when i was with him i used to ramble about him being like touya-nii in the positive senses - the way he was in bed, the little similarities, the way they spoke similarly, etc. And now that i'm out of that abusive situation, all I'm seeing is the similarities within the abuse and toxicity of reader's relationship with touya. The funny thing is it didn't even occur to me just how bad Touya was to reader because I was conditioned to think it was just barely out of the ordinary. Take away the branding and cheating and you had my relationship that i thought was healthy.

Sorry i made this ask so long but I just wanted to let you know how much I love your writing, and how much I admire the way you're able to make the toxicity of your characters subtle (I hope that doesn't sound weird??) I've always seen abuse portrayed really unrealistically and 90% of the time it's only physical abuse. It's honestly a little scary that I didn't register touya-nii or that ex as abusive because they're so good at masking it, and i love how you're able to portray it realistically. it's comforting in a weird way? I hate reading fluff because it just makes me feel worse, but the complex dynamics of your characters bring me back to reality and remind me i'm not totally alone. so to sum up my giant rant...

thank you <33

hi sweetpea <3

tw: abuse, toxic relationships

i cannot tell you how much this ask means to me, oh my gosh. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me! <3

i’m glad it comes across as realistic, because it is heavily based off of my own parents’ relationship, and my father’s abuse towards my mother and myself. one of the several reasons i write such toxic relationships is to make sense of, process, take apart and put back together, my own experiences and what i grew up steeped in.

the other thing i wanted to say, especially since you mentioned not being able to see outside of the toxic relationship until you were actually and fully OUT of it, is that it’s written that way from readers perspective on purpose. it’s written from the perspective of a person who is so deeply entrenched in this relationship, in this tangled web of abuse and this manipulation, that they don’t actually see anything wrong with it. they’ve been gaslit and brainwashed in a slow, methodical, precise way, and it’s also where the ‘romanticized’ aspect comes from—because it’s coming from HER point of view, where she does truly believe she’s in love, where she may even, in some very twisted and brainwashed way, feel love for him, feel care and compassion for him. it is such a complex, grey area! (you may notice that when i write from touya’s perspective, it takes on a more obsessive, almost worship-y type vibe; ie he loves her soooo much, she's sooo good for him, so perfect for him, etc etc.).

abuse, and abusive relationships, are not black and white and i hate it when people attempt to portray them so simplistically. and the thing is, abuse of ANY kind (but especially emotional abuse) doesn’t just HAPPEN. it is a slow, slow progression and it can be extremely subtle; so it doesn’t raise any flags, so the abuser can trap their victim and break them down, etc. i wish, so desperately, that my mother left my father. but she didn’t, and she won’t, and as much as it upsets me because she is a literal angel on earth and deserves SO much better, it is ultimately her choice and i have to respect that even if i don’t agree with it. it’s her life; i can’t force her to do anything. i’ve discussed this with her before, and she told me this is the choice she is making. but anyway the point i’m trying to make here is, there are so, so, SO many reasons why someone who is an abusive relationship chooses to STAY in an abusive relationship; the reasons differ from case to case as it is such a personal thing, and we already have so much research and scientific/psychological literature conducted on this topic alone.

in touya-nii’s reader’s case, it is both because she is brainwashed and entirely dependent on him, and because she was already so fragile—already had such a fragile sense of self worth—and now the only place or thing she gets any validation from at all, that makes her feel like she is good and she is worthy and she has purpose, is serving him.

i’m so glad to hear you find it comforting, especially because i know EXACTLY what you mean, yes!!!!! 100%!!! i am the exact same way! 99% of the time i can’t stand tooth-rotting fluff because it just isn’t realistic to me, and isn’t realistic to my situation. i find so much more comfort in characters and stories that i can relate to because they make me feel less alone, too; like i’m not the only one going through this, or i’m not the only one feeling like this, etc etc etc. it’s one of the huge reasons why i find so much comfort in dabi/the todorokis: because my dad makes enji look like dad of the fucking year. so it’s nice to see that portrayed in a piece of art where i can go ‘okay, at least he would understand, he would get it; in his fictional universe he DOES get it’ etc. hopefully that makes sense hahaha

i’m so sorry that you had to go through this. absolutely no one deserves it, and i hope you are taking good care of yourself and healing and finding love and happiness and health and LIFE again in whatever form it may be. i am glad my work can be a source of comfort for you—genuinely, this means the whole world to me, it is such an honour to hear!!—and i hope it can be here for you whenever you need it.

i love you so much anon, thank you again for sharing this with me <3

#tw abuse #tw toxic relationship #always sending you so so so much love sweet anon #i am so happy for you that you got out of that relationship!!!! #you deserve the world <3 #please have a wonderful thursday and stay safe!! drink some water!!! #clari gets mail #letters to clari

[rooftopswandive]

A snippet from my “weirder route” deltarune alternate universe

NSFW

CW: Abuse, Gaslighting, Coercion, Implications of Sexual Assault

⚠️: All characters I write are explicitly portrayed as 18+. This work is purely for the purposes of entertainment. I do not condone the actions I write about. I do not encourage the condoning of the actions I write about. You should only ever practice sex in an environment with people you trust completely. If you are in an abusive situation, there are resources to help you. You are never alone.

✏️: The following work is not proof read for typos and grammatical errors. Cry about it.

♟️: Kris Dreemurr, Noelle Holiday

Noelle looks through Kris’ phone, trying to gather more evidence for her theories. Goes into their photos. Its all just her. Some in…very compromising positions when she thought she was in complete isolation

From behind her “Looking for something princess?”

shes unaltered. Scared, but unwavering in her goals. Thats their fault, isn’t it? “care to explain, dreemurr?”

“Isn’t it a bit early in our love to be using surnames?” they stand behind her, placing their arm over her shoulder and scrolling through the pictures for her. The gallery just goes on and on “I just have a bit of an interest in photography. Thought you wanted me to get new hobbies”

“Very funny. So how did you do it?”

“Im afraid I don’t understand the question” they look down at her, lying through their teeth like always

“Following me like this isn’t possible”

“Small town” they interrupt

she backs away, still clutching their device “I don’t care how small the town is! Some of these are…temporally improbable! I know somethings wrong with you and I-“ she goes to point an accusatory finger, and her wrist is grabbed

“Angel, Angel, Angel…theres nothing wrong with me. Even if there was I don’t understand why you’d care so much! I mean-“ they stifle a laugh “-don’t you like this side of me?”

“…no, I don’t” she lies through her teeth

they grab her other wrist, the phone dropping out of it onto the hardwood floor. She struggled, despite her immense physical frailness

“Weak in body but not in spirit. Not anymore. You know a month or two ago you would’ve let me break you right now. You would’ve welcomed a punishment. I’ll be expecting a thank you for that”

“Its not like that! You…y-..just…I want to know the truth! What are you hiding from me?”

“I suppose this is what I get for teaching you to stand up for yourself…” they say in a half-mocking, half-lamenting tone of voice. They shamelessly wrestle her to the floor, her face visibly red while shes living out both her worst nightmares and most lewd fantasies in one day “but I’m not ever going to tell you. I adore this side of you. Confused, scared, and so so powerful! You’ve gotten so strong…in spirit anyways haha…”

“You know I’ll find out…”

“…no, no you won’t.”

#deltarune smut #noelle smut #noelle holiday smut #dr smut #kris smut #yandere #yandere kris #kris dreemurr smut #yandere deltarune

[sarah-writes-marvel]

Oxygen: Avengers x gn! reader

S.S.: Heya... its been a while. This is another fic kinda based on personal life stuff but I hope you like it still! 

--Little back story, Ive got a congenital heart defect and if I push my self too far this is kind of what happens. :)

Warnings: mentions bruises and cuts, difficulty breathing, other than that its just fluff!

Word count:1,589

Y/F/M: your favorite movie

MASTERLIST ============================

“Alright! Good job team. Another success.” Tony celebrated walking through the helipad entrance of the compound.

“We still took a heavy hit out there tho.” Clint argued massaging his newly wrapped wrist.

“But we’re still alive,” Tony said turning and walking backwards, “I’d say that kinda evens out the bad.”

Clint rolled his eyes at Tony’s slightly faulty logic before the team entered into the common area of the building. Tony immediately took a seat at the bar pouring a drink while everyone else just stood for a minute.

“Well, I don't know about you guys but I'm tired and in dire need of a shower.” you broke the silence, catching their attention.

“I second that,” Nat agreed. “And then maybe some pizza and a movie.”

Various words of approval echoed in the common room.

“Man, I was thinking about throwing a banger of a party!” Tony whined, with a sly smirk, which was returned with cold stares from each of the members. “Jeez, I was kidding.” he mumbled into his glass.

“I’m gonna go shower. I suggest you boys do the same. It's starting to smell.” Nat teased as she made her way to the elevator. Protests and grumbles came from the men standing there.

“She’s not wrong.” you whispered under your breath as you followed her into the elevator.

“I heard that!” Steve yelled out as Clint threw a throw pillow (how ironic) towards the elevator door, hitting the metal before it reached you and Nat.

After a fit of giggling at the attempt, you both leaned against the walls of the elevator, opposite sides of each other, trying your best to filter out the images of the mission running through our heads. 

“Hey, you alright?” her voice attracted your attention as you peaked open your closed eyes.

“Ya, I’m ok. I know that missions don't always end how we want but there's not much we can do.” you sent her a reassuring smile.

“I’m glad you realize that but I was asking more about how you're feeling. Your lips have a very subtle purple hue to them and you're just kinda pale.”

“Oh. I mean I don't feel completely awful. My chest kinda hurts but it's kind of a normal thing for me I guess. Maybe a little out of breath. And a headache.” as you continued to list off my symptoms it seemed more apparent, like the sudden lightheadedness, and the constricting feeling of taking in a breath.

“Do you need to go to the med bay?” She asked on full alert.

“No Nat. I'll be fine. It kinda comes with heart issues. I just need to rest.”

“You’re sure?” she looked at you sceptically, as if you would lie to a perfectly trained assassin who can pick up on any micromovement made.

“Positive.” As soon as you seemed to calm her down from her motherly attentiveness the elevator doors opened to our floor. You quickly gave her a smile and turned to my room while she turned towards hers.

As soon as you were in the safety of your room you striped your tactical gear, doing your best to keep an even breath as it began to feel like the material was constricting your body. With one last solid tug you freed yourself from the clothing leaving you only in underwear.

The reflection in the mirror wasn’t terrible… Maybe that was an understatement. Your lips did in fact have the not so lovely purple tinge to them, your skin looked almost as white as paper besides the bruises and cuts. The burning feeling in your chest and the headache just kind of added to the pain. 

You shook off the slight shock at the reflection, turning on the shower before stripping and stepping under the steaming water, washing away the grim that had apparently become one with your skin.

Despite it being relaxing, the shower did little to help the chest pain that burned through your chest, nor the continuous feeling of not having enough air in your lungs. So as soon as you stepped out of the shower and back into the room you found the little oximeter device and placed it onto your finger waiting for a number to pop up on the small screen.

‘80% oxygen level’ Well that's not good.

“Mx., should I call for a medic to assist you?” Jarvis’ voice echoed through the room causing the number representing your heart rate to spike.

“Uh- no, no it's alright Jarvis. I’m fine, thank you.” you reassured the A.I., pulling the device from your finger.

“Very well.” 

You pulled on an oversized shirt that just happened to have landed into your laundry one day and a pair of thin comfortable pants before moving to your closet.

“Man, I’m gonna regret this.” you opened the door revealing the several oxygen tanks hiding under the clothes that hung in your closet. They were there only for emergencies and no one else knew about them except Bruce, who you had sworn to secrecy which he thoroughly disagreed with.

You chose one of the half sized tanks and the shoulder bag that carried it, slinging it onto your back and adjusting the fit. You carefully wrapped the plastic cannula over your ears before taking the plastic wrench piece and opening the flow of the tank settling at a fairly quick air flow. Almost immediately you began to feel the benefits of the small amount of oxygen entering your lungs, breathing a sigh of relief.

You quickly slipped on your slippers before returning downstiar which you figured everyone had returned too by now. You followed the sound of voices and wrappers crinkling in the kitchen, walking into the group there intimately discussing the best type of popcorn. But as soon as Tony caught sight of you standing in the doorway the conversation halted.

“What's with the getup?” he motioned to you.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t know whose shirt it was, it was just in my clean laundry a few days ago.” you said, avoiding the obvious object in question. You looked up to see Nat giving me a pointed look and a deadpan from Tony.

“I meant the tube, and the backpack.”

“It's my new jetpack. You like it?” you smirked childishly at him as he rolled his eyes.

“Y/N. What's with the pack?” Steve commanded, obviously over the jokes.

“Sorry. I just needed a hit of oxygen. Nothing to get your undies in a twist.” you replied quietly. “What movie are we watching?” you asked, grabbing a slice of pizza from one of the various boxes that sat on the counter.

“Why do you need oxygen? Are you ill? Do you need new lungs?” Thor questioned passing over your previous one.

“Do you need your vitals checked?” Bruce suggested.

“How about we just take you to medical and have them look over you quick.” Clint suggested before stuffing the last of his pizza crust into his face.

“Stop!” you demanded, quieting the group. “I’m just fine. I checked my own vitals. I don't need new lungs and I'm not ill. I don't need medical treatment. What I need is just a relaxing night.” you stated.

“Are you sure? It wouldn't be a bad idea to-” Steve started before you cut him off.

“I'm sure. I’ve lived with this my whole life. I know what I need to do. Obviously if the out of breath feeling and the dizziness are constant then yes I’ll let one of you know that I need medical attention. Until then I just need some oxygen and RnR. Can we do that please?” 

“Fine, for now. But if you still feel crappy after the movie you're going down to medical. No questions.” Tony compromised.

“Alright. I'll try not to faint on you guys until then.” you smiled, which immediately faded when no one laughed. “Im kidding.”

“Well, Miss Comedian, what movie are we watching?” Nat asked as she poured herself a glass of water.

“Y/F/M?” you offered, getting nods and sounds of approval. Steve's eyebrows crinked in confusion.

“What's that?”

“You’ll love it, capsicle. Covers everything from the last thousand years.” Tony smirked, grabbing a box of pizza and leaving the kitchen.

Steve glanced at you before looking at everyone else who just smiled and followed Tony. Eventually he got up and walked over to you.

“Hop on.” he said, crouching in front of you. So of course you followed orders, adjusting the tank on your back before climbing onto his.

“Man if I get service like this I should wear my oxygen tanks outside of my room more often.” you smile as he carries me to the living room.

“Wait? You’ve felt the need to wear oxygen before and you didn’t tell us?” his grip under my legs tightened a little.

“Oh wow, they already got the movie set up!” you said, trying to wiggle from his grasp.

“Y/N.”

“Yes, I have just because I know that this would've been the reaction. Im sorry. Next time I feel like this I’ll let you know.”

“Good.” with that he let you down, sitting next to you on the couch once youve settled down. You carefully maneuvered yourself so that your head laid in Steve's lap while your legs were across Thor while the movie played.

It was nice to be worried about every once in a while despite the overbearing motherly attitudes of most of the male teammates, but what can you do?

========================

S.S: Hope you liked it! Again I realize its kind of a case sensitive fic but I havent seen alot of fics with physically disabled characters. Thanks for reading!!

#captain america #ironman #steve rogers #tony stark #bruce banner #natasha romanov #natasha romanoff #hulk #blackwidow #thor #clintbarton #hawkeye #avengers #mcu #marvel #fluff #mission

[insane-control-room]

When ray was gone, and if he was single, would Johan be interested in starting a relationship with Sammy? He seems to rely on the composer a lot

(chucks a whole butt fic at you) Enjoy! written with help and input from @randomwriteronline​ <3 im lov u

Fulmination

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31277393

Sammy is going to be Joey's, or rather the Ink Demon's, Prophet. He decides to start getting into character through method acting, but a bit too early, and a lot too zealous.

Joey was not exactly a stable person. That role fell to Henry. They were the rock and the river, and when the rock decided to sprout legs and walk away, the river was forced to keep rushing onwards, still searching and babbling for its rock, in that silent way that streams whisper. It was almost musical in a melancholic way, and to Sammy, that music was solemn… yet beautiful. 

He listened quietly to the river's lonely longing lament, watery with tearstained resilience. He indulged in its melancholy silently, wallowing in doubt, wading in that cool and efficient, winding river - should he have tried to interrupt that wonderfully woeful solo concert? Should he have allowed him to wail his anguish as long as he needed to? The man was insane, he argued with himself, and there was beauty in madness, but he needed to keep himself away to avoid getting swept into the tide. 

He talked about it with Wally and Thomas, who both told him that if he wanted to, he should at least try. Shit had already hit the fan, and with a reset on the horizon, he could do what he wanted with little to no consequence. After all, he was the Prophet, and Joey was the Demon, and his reverence should have a real source. 

So, he agreed with them, and in that lucid dreamscape of the Bridge, he approached the source of the ink flowing through the world. Joey was working on the machine, agitated as he programmed the physics of the liquid, making sure that everything was functioning as it should. 

“Joey,” he greeted, shocking the man, making him spin around, wielding a wrench as a weapon in his panic. Sammy waved at him.

“Ah, it’s you,” Joey exhaled in relief. “How can I b-be of assistance?”

“I was about to ask you that,” Sammy smoothly replied. Joey stared at him, and then shook his head. “What?”

“I don’t need any help,” Joey told him, and then returned to his work. Sammy blinked, and left. He was not going to press the man, not in that way at least.

He knocked on the door to his office. 

“Come in,” was the answer, it always was. Sammy came in, with a coffee in hand. 

“I got you a drink, Mr. Drew,” he offered with a smile. Johan’s mouth opened, about to protest. “I know you don’t like coffee, but this one is dairy free, and it’s my treat.”

“I see…” Johan accepted the drink. Sammy watched as he took a sip, gauging his reaction, reading deeply into each crease of his skin. “Thank you.”

Sammy smiled.

His pen scribbled madly on the paper. Damn Drew and his idea that even though the world was on the verge of ending, they still had deadlines to meet and animations to make. And with those animations, came the music that had to go along with them. 

What would have all this work been for once there was no more life to witness it?

Such was the question he posed when he came into the man’s office. Sammy smirked, feeling that he had the upper hand over the visual artist. He reasoned that Joey relied on him, but that feeling shifted a second later. Johan looked up at him above pink lenses, and then asked back, “You don’t really think life will continue on f-forever? You just see the ending as imminent-- and so you give up. But we should not use the end of the world as an excuse to do nothing, as then no one should do anything at all and mull endlessly in their own thoughts.”

“You think that the world will end beyond this?” Sammy inquired with widening eyes. Joey shrugged. Sammy’s eyes narrowed back to slits. “Mr. Drew, that sounds insane.”

Joey simply tilted his head. Sammy understood what he meant, and his own lips twitched. 

Insanity was the man’s environment. 

Sammy was starting to feel the bliss of madness, and something told him he would not be able to get enough of it. 

He helped Joey often with his experiments and rigging the bridge on the furthest levels, watching his master with admiration for his craft. Sammy may not have been a rock in the river, but he was a reed by the bank, drinking in all it had to offer to him. 

Joey was hunched over his work, and Sammy entered the room. 

“Johan,” he greeted, and the man whistled in acknowledgement. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No, not really,” Joey told him, sparing him a glance and a tired smile. Sammy set down a honey sweetened tea, having slowly worked his way to figuring out which type of drink he enjoyed without asking a single question, simply making and bringing new ones constantly with input from Wally and Thomas until he struck gold. “Thank you. Also, I, er,” he smiled sheepishly, and Sammy smiled in return, following the shepherd, “Do need a touch of help. I can’t pull the gauges right, cause, you know ...”

He trailed off, and Sammy did not have to look down to know why. He smiled wider, and adjusted the valves for him. 

“Anything else?”

“Nothing, thank you,” Joey’s smile was radiant, enlightening. He gave a little laugh. “Thanks for being my right hand.”

Sammy took said hand, missing thumb and all, and beamed at his redeemer. 

“With pleasure.”

His arms were wrapped around Joey as he panted, sweat dripping down the taller man’s brow. Sammy could feel his tremors through muscle, holding him tight and whispering encouragement. Another shudder wracked through the thin animator, a groan escaping him. Sammy petted a hand through his sui generis hair, and eased him down onto the bathroom tile. Johan gave another tremble, limbs weak from the strain, and grimaced and cried at the taste of iron and bitter poison filling his mouth. 

Sammy soothed him as he wiped away the blood and ink that was on Joey’s lips and hands. The bridge was nearly complete, and Sammy was in awe at the strength of the man; ill and weak of body, but mind impenetrable, method in madness. 

“You’re alright,” he whispered to him, a wet, cool rag cleaning away sweat and tears. Joey mumbled that he was fine, that he needed no help, but Sammy remained by his side. The musician's arm was clasped around his bony shoulders, a hand rubbing his back. His eyes roamed over Joey’s face, and he could see the traces and toll of being the ink demon on him. He tilted his head upwards with his palm. “You’re more than alright. You’re… my lord.”

Joey’s brow creased as he was about to protest, yet Sammy merely closed the gap between them and pressed his lips to Joey’s, whose mouth opened in shock. Sammy kissed him further, the prophet in devotion to his lord, the familiar taste of ink intoxicating. Hands were on his chest, but he realized too late that it was not to pull him close, but to push.

“Sammy, what the everfrozen hell!” Joey barked, eyes wide, yet brow drawn. “What is wrong with you!? I just threw up blood and ink and you- you!”

His sputtering was cut off by Sammy reapproaching at the speed of a hawk on a dive, broken by a sharp gasp. Sammy’s pupils were dilated in zealous fervor, and Joey wracked his mind in an attempt to figure out how this started. 

“I,” he breathed, his mouth a jagged grin, “Am your prophet. Your right hand.”

“You are behaving with the piety of an insane cultist priest,” Johan said, bewildered worry in his tone. “Like a m-madman!”

“As if you are not the epitome of insanity yourself,” he retorted, to which Joey had no response. “You’ve set me free with it.”

“I’ve done nothing,” Johan told him as he pushed weakly against Sammy, hands on his shoulders and keeping him pressed to the sink. A thousand scenarios flashed through his head, someone coming into the bathroom with them in this compromising position, Sammy continuing this lunacy and Joey being forced to kick him from the project. “Sammy, this needs to stop-”

The mad prophet heard nothing, and had come close once more to kiss his lord. Joey did not have the strength to push him away again, and Sammy did not even notice, so lost in his method delusion. There was ink on his tongue, the demon’s ichor, and it was familiar-- and that gave him pause. 

Why on earth had he been drinking ink?

He pulled away sharply, a slew of apologies flying from his mouth. Joey waved them off, merely relieved that Sammy seemed to be coming back to himself. 

“I guess that I got too caught up in the role,” Sammy muttered, mortified.

Joey only huffed an incredulous laugh, pulling himself off the floor and extending his hand for Sammy to take. 

He did, grateful for the opportunity offered to him.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #batim #joey drew/sammy lawrence #sammy lawrence/thomas connor/wally franks #tools of the trade #demonic prophesies #joey drew #johan ramirez #sammy lawrence #Not Part of TBP #Standalone #Insanity #drinking ink #Weird #Madness #method acting #taking things too far #Friendship #Second Chances #Awkward Kissing #Non-Consensual Kissing #Drunk on Madness #The Prophet and his Lord #control art #control writes

[axelkai]

welcome aboard, AXEL NICKOLAI BRAXTON, student #1. we are excited to set sail with you ! has anyone told you that you look like jeremy allen white? according to our records, you hail from new york, usa, he/his, are male, and are here to study digital art. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your money — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + fun loving, + social, but also - impulsive. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the sandbar. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a sketch book brought from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hello, buds, this is Lella, 23y, she/her, gmt-3. this is my new baby and i’m prob going to take a while before start fixing the theme. a basic nav is already up, though. under the read more you’ll see more info about him. im stilll working in his bio though, as I manage his family/bg story so it will be fitting! 

[[ BASIC INFO ]]

Nickname(s): Ax, Kai (friends), Nick (family).

Age: 25

Date of Birth: -

Orientation: he swears he is straight but he is actually homoflexible

Language(s) Spoken: english, spanish

[[ PHYSICAL ]]

Height: 1,71m / 5′7′’

Weight: 80kg / 176lbs

Faceclaim: Jeremy Allen White

Hair color: dark blonde

Eye color: blue

Tattoos: an eagle on his chest, an anchor on the left side of his neck +

[[ PATTERNS  ]]

Drug Use: marijuana counts?

Alcohol Use: not a weekend goes by without a drink.

Dreams: to have an art gallery of his own.

Fears: feeling trapped +

Hobbies: painting, drawing, cooking (though few know about this last one).

Habits: swearing, drinking coffee while working, hugging a pillow while sleeping, keeping wardrobe neat, having a irregular sleep schedule, driving waaaay too fast, falling asleep while watching tv, bullying people, being a destructive mess when pushed 

[[ PERSONALITY ]]

Positive Traits: fun loving, social, imaginative, adventurous, generous, romantic, caring

Negative Traits: impulsive, quick tempered, stubborn, rude +

MBTI: enfp - the campaiger                        78%  extroverted / introverted 22%                          62% intuitive / observant 38%                              48% thinking / feeling 52%                            29% judging / prospecting 71%                            51% assertive / turbulent 49% 

Enneagram: the enthusiast.

Temperament: sanguine

Moral Alignment: true neutral

Primary Vice: wrath

Primary Virtue: diligence

Element: fire w a few traits of water

[[ BIO / sketch ]] 

at school, Kai was not the best student; he never got interested in regular school subjects. would often skip classes and get in trouble, argue with a teacher he disagreed with, fight students he found annoying; his parents would get so frustrated every time they had to show up to meetings. 

not the brightest one; but not that he wasn’t smart, he just wasn’t compromised with whatever he didn’t feel interested in. on the other hand, he was good at skating and drawing. and his maquettes were the best of his classes.

eventually, after a particularly aggressive episode, when they placed him to meet a school’s counselor, they initially found it to be a disaster; he’d curse and bite the counselor, utterly angry because people thought they knew what was best for him— adults were not understanding.

but, you see, eventually, after some bribery with candy and cool games, he grew to put up with it. and, he would never admit it, but after letting the counselor a little bit in, here and then, he'd hear useful things that made his daily life way easier. 

as a teenager, Kai was better at controlling his aggressiveness. turned out that he was just really bad at handling frustration. but, well, if his aggressive impulses weren't that much of a problem anymore........ his partying days grew to be. getting out late, getting home early in the morning.

Kai would get home high or drunk every weekend, and his parents certainly weren't fond of it. though, as a playful kid, he'd get his way around their disappointment. not that he wouldn't feel bad at the way he just couldn't meet their expectations, he was only human after all.

he was still underage when he started making money out of his drawings and painting — and, well, eventually, even digital art. his parents got less worried about his future at seeing the money coming in. Kai didn't initially have big ambitions, professional or academic, but if he kept going he had a professional area he could make money from.

he got away from home at the age of 18; even though his parents were sort of caring ones, their frustrated expectations over his academic lack of interest were discouraging to deal with. he got himself into a cheap apartment, but near some friends of his, and got away just fine with life.

[...]

everything was cool until he figured his party buddy Cass would try and join ss. and so would his sister. he decided to tag along.... not with any intention with getting grades higher than mediocre, just to know more about the world and live this crazy experience. to be honest, he never thought he’d actually be draw in that online lottery thing....

some connection ideas while i dont get my wc list ready:

- someone that axel has bullied or bullies

- someone (female) he is currently dating (be aware tho that he is a closeted guy)

- someone for him to be a bad influence on

- someone to be a good influence on him

- partners in crime 

- party buddies

- an artist he admires the work of 

- someone that admires his work

#pinned post #introduction #seasintro #feel free to msg me so we can plot <3 gonna get a wc list this week

[floatingbook]

I recently found your blog and im in love with your writings. I guess I just needed to went about this. Anyway theres this female youtuber that I watched for a long time now. She makes good animal content and is an ornithologist. Her style of content is also right up my alley. (1)

But the thing is shes homophobic. I knew this for a while now but on one of her recent streams she explicitly stated how disgusted she found gay people using very popular homophobic slurs in our language (not English). And like I dont hate her or whatever. I like her content and even her personality vice. she herself is gnc in her style and is not married. she gets a ton of comments from men telling her how weird it is and she addressed it in multiple videos saying how stupid she finds it (2)

but like this whole thing makes it difficult to just enjoy bird and lizard videos lol. recently we also got a new professor at my Uni. and while she considers herself tolerant she said quite a few. homophobic things as well. like she said she'd kill her son if he was gay, jokingly. but whats funny in that? anyway I talked about this with my groupmate whos lesbian and she told me she hated this but tries to not pay attention to it. she thinks its best to just ignore it.(3)

and like I think shes right. we cant change anything about this, our country is very homophobic. so why pay attention to it? Im secure in myself anyway. but its still so difficult to just not thing about it and enjoy everything else.have you ever dealt with similar feelings? how did you cope with them? sorry for long message. im also a lesbian if it matters. (4)

No need to apologise for the length of your message, sister! I’m sorry you’ve had to face this; but which lesbian, sadly, doesn’t? It’s all too common for us to be faced with this kind of non-physically-harmful homophobia. And at first glance, we tend to discount it, yes. After all, we are “secure in [our]selves”, we know there’s nothing wrong with being lesbians, that we’re not ill or cursed or whatever nonsense. In the long run, and although it doesn’t do the same kind of damage as homophobic physical harm, I think it’s more worrying. Especially because it appears so harmless at first, such a matter of personal opinion — we can’t really change the way these people think, they’re always going to harbour those kinds of thoughts.

But even if you’re a proud lesbian and fine with yourself, it still makes you internalise the fact that homosexuality is somehow wrong. Of course being regularly exposed to that kind of ideas, of content, is going to affect your wellbeing. Even if it’s “just” a passing remark from a youtuber, or a “joke” from a university teacher, or an aunt sharing a bigoted stereotype about homosexuality, or a random individual being interviewed on TV during a conservative march, or a priest mentioning once in a while how you’re going to end up burning in hell just for existing. These comments can lead us to feel terrible about ourselves, straight into self-hatred. They also, whether we like it or not, create a hostile climate for us. It’s not healthy to exist in an environment where you know that people despise or outright hate you, even if they don’t know that you specifically are a lesbian. You’re always going to be wondering how your teacher would treat you if she somehow found out. Would she lower your grades? Would there be any kind of retaliation? For every homophobe who makes homophobic jokes or share any other type of homophobic position, there’s always the worry of escalation to physical harm. As a result, you’re always, even if not completely consciously, on the lookout.

I think the best thing to do with these people is to cut them out whenever possible. I know that you like that youtuber’s content, but you’re always going to be wondering in a corner of your mind “when is she going to be homophobic again”. I’m sure you can find other women talking about that kind of subject, and if not on youtube maybe in podcasts, in documentaries, or on blogs. It’s eminently frustrating to loose a source of information and entertainment, but you also have to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means removing homophobes from your life. Here, a reminder that it’s not your job to cure them of their homophobia. You don’t have to put up with them. Much in the same way that women don’t have to waste their time explaining to men how we are human beings deserving of rights and dignity and a life free of oppression too.

In the case of your uni teacher, you can’t do a lot but bear through it. It’s good that you’re not alone; support your fellow lesbian, and make sure that you don’t let the hate, however how casual, get you down. I don’t think it’s about “ignoring” it as much as not letting either despair or rage take up too much space. It’s normal to feel depressed that homophobia is so widespread, but you can try to balance it out with the knowledge, shared by many of your fellow lesbians, that being a lesbian is perfectly normal and even wonderful. Same for anger at the homophobia, it’s perfectly normal in the face of bigotry and hatred, but please make sure that you use your anger as fuel for positive action and don’t just let it simmer and fester into giving up and depression and helplessness.

We don’t have to be resigned to the homophobia. You can sensibilise your friends to the problem, and hopefully find people who’ll embrace you for who you are. You can move to less homophobic places; you can create lesbians clubs, gatherings or communities; if you are determined and want to play the game and work within the rules of the system, you can lobby and agitate for reforms to law to make your country less homophobic. We don’t have to tolerate homophobic people. There are some things on which we can refuse to compromise.

(same anon who wrote about female youtuber)also Goddammit these straight anons are so ridiculous. sorry for my language. how can they not see their privilege? literally the entire fucking world is telling you that relationships with men are good and pure and "correct" and you DARE to come to a LESBIANS blog and whine about a tiny group of lesbian women who tell you that maybe men aren't the end all be all im just so sorry for their stupidity sis.. crazy you still have to deal with this shit :/

I’m used to it, not that it’s pleasant, but yes, sometimes it’s baffling how little reading comprehension and self-awareness some people exhibit on here (and out there in the world). I hope you have a very pleasant week, anonymous sister, and that your lesbian friend does as well ;)

#anonymous #answered #thanks for the support sister #i hope you face less homophobia going forward #i wish the world was a better place #cue sad weary face #we can never catch a break #lesbophobia #homophobia

[bellamygateoldblog]

best and worst relationships?

There’s a lot of varables to consider here, and I’m feeling sick and bored out of my mind, so i’m going the long way round. This is a nightmare to read on mobile, im so sorry.

‘Best’ and ‘Worst’ labels depend on a number of things:

— Story of the pairing

— General intrigue and how enjoyable their dynamic is to watch

— Chemistry of the two (or more) characters

— Presence (or lack of) valuable relationship qualities (is this relationship healthy according to the world it exists in?)

and the importance of each of those differs from person-to-person.

Note: Sticking to popular relationships. I’ve blocked names, but I’m also throwing it under a Read More because it’s long and negative. It’s largely anticlarke because she’s a terrifying character and her mere existence derails most of her dynamics. Ship and like whatever you like, I hate fandom gatekeeping. But you asked so let’s go.

There’s also no order to this. Welcome to chaos land.

Best ‘Best’ List: objectively good relationships

— Linctavia

— Marper 

— Spacekru

— David and Nate Miller

— Raven and Sinclair

Unconditional love, mutual respect and support, found family, would die (and live) for the other. I can’t find fault in them.

Memori

I had a bit more to say about this one because there’s something so highly romantic in two people abandoned by their clan, cast out, finding each other in a literal desert wasteland. Like they’re each other’s oasis. In meeting Emori, Murphy finally found acceptance after spending far too long alone, and being told he was worthless by people who’s approval meant something. And Emori having someone prepared to do whatever it takes to protect her and make her happy is everything I could’ve wanted for her. They’re so deeply in love.

Best List

Becho (pre-season six)

Your local enemies-to-lovers. partnership over co-dependency. Compromise. Affection and emotional support from both sides. Willing to throw themselves right into line-of-fire for the other. A cut ‘i love her’ scene which i’ve personally decided wasn’t cut. I LOVE THEM.

Arguments against:

- ‘killed’ Gina (moreso she aided her death) while acting on orders from her superiors

- ‘killed’ Octavia while acting on orders from her superiors

- killed Ilian/ attempted to help Roan win conclave over Octavia

- almost killed Clarke (season five)

- happened offscreen

Arguments to discredit previous arguments because I’m sick and tired of seeing them in the pro tags:

- Echo was Bellamy’s enemy through those first three listed events. Bellamy had no reason to expect loyalty or respect, or anything else from her. She was always looking out for her people just as Bellamy was his own. That was quite clear.

- In fact she actually tried to help Gina because she was important to Bellamy, apologised that she couldn’t and did save Bellamy’s life despite their enemy status.

- ‘killing’ Octavia was not in cold blood. It was actually an accident.

- This one is nonsense. She wanted to kill Clarke during season five “even though she’s important to Bellamy”…after she just left him to brutally die and held Echo and her family at gunpoint and threatened to kill them. Context matters.

- not a fan of the time jump either, but if you’re able to accept the Madi-Clarke relationship which also developed offscreen, you can deal with this one.

Hard to talk about this one without defending it. Echo deserves better than season six Bellamy, who would abandon her in order to chase a woman he knew for 6-ish months 6 years ago. I say it’s his loss.

Jonty

It was a beautiful relationship and then a beautiful breakdown of one. I really enjoyed their dynamic. About to get controversial and suggest Monty could’ve taken a different approach with Jasper. I’ve never committed genocide and had to learn to live with it while watching my best friend suffer from the decision, but I do have clinical depression and somewhat relate to Jasper. There was this scene, where in the background you see Jasper go to hug Monty goodbye and he avoids it. It was such a small but sad detail. I felt Monty wanted Jasper to deal with his grief in a certain way and got frustrated when he didn’t. Sometimes he could be insensitive and blaming, and i think had there been more communication their friendship could’ve been very healing for the both of them. I think we learn at one point Jasper actually thought Monty was “fine” and didn’t even realise or understand that Monty hurt too. Jasper had this tendancy to only consider his own feelings, and this put a rift between them. Tough love doesn’t work for everyone, and I think Monty’s sometimes cold approach held that rift in place. The simple fact that both sides are so easy to understand and empathise with, and that this gradual undoing of what was once an incredibly strong bond was inevitable, made watching it all wonderfully bittersweet.

Zaven

This was good, but it was so rushed it made me bitter towards them. While it was Raven being thrown with yet another random guy, this did strike me as much more meaningful than her fling with Wick and I think it would’ve been a lovely relationship had it been able to continue. I think this was that love Raven deserved. It’s a damn shame it was used as just another level of torture for her. I think if they had let it develop more naturally and not been so full-on so soon, and of course if the actor hadn’t opted to leave the show, this would’ve been up on my best ‘best’ list.

Dropping this here: being intelligent isn’t actually important when pairing Raven up. Fandom acts like she needs someone “on her level” or “at her speed” (shudders), someone to challenge her, which has always come across as very demeaning of characters with less intellectual capacity, as if they’re less than Raven because of this when they are absolutely not. This mentality also denies Raven of partners that can value her and treat her well just because they aren’t Stephan Hawking. A romance isn’t a competition or a class project. Shaw was good for her, not because of what his brain could do, but because of who he was.

Bellamy and Octavia

This bitch toxic, YEET. I adore it. I really do. It’s such an intriuging and complex dynamic. The poisonous nature of their relationship is neither of their own faults, they’re both a victim of their own circumstances and, in Octavia’s case, a lack of socialisation and, by extension, non-understanding of grey area is also intrinsicaly linked to it. They truely love one another, but aren’t learned in how to show this in healthy ways. Makes that back-and-forth an entertaining watch.

Main grievance:

Beating your brother bloody while he’s chained down and unable to defend himself against you is disturbing and inexcusable in any context, and whether or not you’re grieving is irrelevant.

Neutral List

C//exa

Placing this one here just because i don’t care about this relationship, but did like bits and pieces. I think this one ended before it even started. For me most of it’s appeal is in the gradual moulding of the dynamic and the many phases it went through. I did find intrigue in that journey. However the fact the show reminds me at least a few times a season that Lexa was the one has me digging my heels in. I hate being told what to think.

I don’t really remember it all that well so I don’t necessarily have strong opinions. I know some people do. At this point in the show I was growing more and more annoyed with Clarke, and eventually i went from liking Lexa to being indifferent to her, so a dynamic consisting of them both was the least interesting thing in the world to me by the time it started heating up.

I will say this is probably one of the only significant relationships Clarke has where she doesn’t ultimately have more power than the other half. There isn’t a mechanism there that allows one to use to do harm to the other to advantage themselves; Lexa is the commander, but Clarke is constantly pushing back and Lexa respects and listens to what she has to say. There is literally a shot of Clarke backing the most powerful person on the ground into a table. I think Clarke was a positive influence on Lexa, but during this time Clarke was slipping into worse and worse versions of herself.

Some thoughts:

I found it was innappropriate for Clarke, as a leader of her people who’s primary concern is supposed to be what’s best for them, to have become romantically involved with the commander of the people they hadn’t a stable relationship with, and who ultimately has the power to strip them of all freedoms. It’s so easy for those romantically and sexually charged feelings to cloud and confuse what are extremely important considerations to be made about the people back home. It wasn’t a very responsible relationship.

On the flipside of that, from this relationship Lexa was convinced to grow into peace. Which is quite obviously a positive affect. Though I found it was odd that Clarke, just a random teenage girl from space, would be (successfully) telling the commander how to manage her people when she herself was not at home overseeing the climate of her own. It just has some very weird implications.

Lexa’s betrayal at mount weather, actually a very silly and counter-productive decision, was what forced Clarke to lose her humanity in what was the most traumatic event of her entire life. The fact it was forgiven so easily was hard for me to get over.

M//rphamy

Season five was good for them. It seemed as if they’d grown, were much closer, more respectful, and more affectionate. Then season six happened, and Bellamy was back to treating Murphy like he was beneath everyone. He started again to talk about how therapeutic it would be to hurt him, as he has, physically, many times in the past. Just tearing open old wounds at this point. In season five he reminded Murphy he wasn’t worthless, that he did belong with the group, but in season six he went back on all that, and put Clarke ahead of him at every turn, and prioritied her feelings over his very real pain. They’ve had a complicated history of violence, usually coming from Bellamy’s more hot-headed side.

I put this here because it’s an immensely compelling dynamic. These characters work well together, there’s heaps of chemistry and allure in each of their interactions. It’s just an entertaining time whenever they share scenes. But despite that, I don’t know where I stand with them and I don’t know where they stand with each other as of season six.

Worst List

Be//arke

There is a mess of negative thoughts inspired by this relationship about proportionate to the amount it’s shoved in my face. Clarke is just no good for Bellamy. Is the concise way of putting it.

Here’s a list of some of them which I usually like to bury deep inside my head for sanity purposes:

Ignoring whether or not actions were for the people/the only option and focusing solely on how the relationship is affected by them regardless

- Clarke has a tendancy to view the most important person (pre-season five) in Bellamy’s life as necessary collateral damage. She has brought/almost brought harm to Octavia on multiple occasions, the two most notable being TonDC and the conclave. Both while being on the same side as Bellamy from a political standpoint, and both while his friend who he had reason to expect affirmation, consideration, and loyalty from. Clarke betrays those key values. This happens again in season five when Clarke’s Plan-A solution is to “take her out.”

( this is also what sets her apart from Echo, who was never in the position to make her own choices. Clarke has that agency and control that Echo’s superiors had, but never Echo. )

- and saying that, I think it’s incredibly hard for Clarke to maintain any meaningful relationships being in the position she’s in. How do you have friends when you have to always put them second?

- speaking of the conclave, Clarke held Bellamy at gunpoint in order to prevent him saving his sister’s life. She said she “didn’t pull the trigger” and that was that. All is forgiven. However she did pull the trigger in what was an attempt to scare him into submission so I really don’t even know what to say here. The writers kinda forgot?

- they aren’t equal. They haven’t been co-leaders since season one. He was demoted almost immediately to second-in-command beneath Clarke. Clarke is the leader, the literal head. She makes the choices while Bellamy gets her out of the trouble she usually gets herself into, risking himself and others in the process. It’s a racist trope. It’s the ‘white princess and her brown knight.’ She has agency and power and he’s her loyal soldier, subordinate. Inequality isn’t inherently a bad thing but this power imbalance between them is utilised in harmful ways.

- speaking of “the good knight by his queen’s side,” this comes across as codependency. Clarke relies on Bellamy’s support, validation and loyalty, while ‘the heart needs the head to tell it to beat.’ That’s paraphrased from season six, that’s an actual line in the show. Bellamy needs her to guide him, to “keep [him] centred,” that’s another line from the show. That’s still not enough? He literally tells us in season six that he needs her, and has needed her in the past if his psychosis episode is anything to go by. He has impeccably low self esteem and views himself less than. I mean if you need further convincing of they’re inequality, just look to their places on the ark which are quickly reinstated once it reaches the ground. Clarke is upper class, she’s later the daughter of the chancellor, she comes from a loving family, from one of (if not, the) more well-off stations, she’s educated and she has passions, but Bellamy? From the poorest ark station, raised by an emotionally abusive mother, a janitor, his whole motivation his entire life has been to love and protect Octavia. I think a lot of this devotion he has for her comes from a place of idolisation, of seeing something in her he wants for himself.

- now this ugly trope could also come from an absense of Octavia. The moment they get to the ground Octavia is on a journey of self-discovery. And eventually, she becomes her own protector, and she finds a home in Lincoln. So naturally Bellamy looks for the closest relationship he can find that resembles that old one. It’s Bellamy and Clarke. Now, instead of Octavia, he’s driven by and found purpose in protecting Clarke. In fact, the Clarke-Bellamy dynamic has so many similarities to the Octavia-Bellamy one I can absolutely see the sibling like quality to Be//arke.

- Clarke abandons Bellamy after mount weather. She leaves because she can’t bare the reminder of “what [she] did to get them here.” So she leaves and instead Bellamy is the one forced to see the faces of the 48 every day, reminding him of what he did to get them there. Clarke comes across as completely oblivious in this entire situation. Bellamy and Monty are both written using the word “we” to refer to the mount weather genocide, but Clarke? It’s “I” and “me” every time. It’s as if she truely believes she’s the only one suffering from it, she’s bearing it so they don’t have to, except that isn’t true at all and that fact is so painfully clear. Later she tells him she knew she could leave because the people had him, but who did Bellamy have? He dealt with that weight and that grief alone because the only other person who could possibly understand, the one who pulled the lever with him, ran away. After she had convinced him not to in season one. She then comes back informing him she’d been acting on behalf of her people in Polis, without the people’s own knowledge or consent, but i digress, and he’d just ruined everything. So much for co-leaders. And he blows up at her, and we see how badly this action hurt him.

- In season five she leaves him to die out of spite and took her daughter to the people he saved her from at the beginning of the season. It could’ve been avoided, but she decided to punish him. That’s all it was. Don’t give me none of that “I had to!!!” she screams in season six to mindspace!Octavia. Bellamy was forced into role of father at just 6 years old and has proved time and time again he was prepared to risk it all in order to protect his child, there was nobody more equipped to handle Madi than him and her yelling in his face that he couldn’t understand was perhaps the biggest betrayal of them all.

- In season five she tortured and almost murdered his entire family. After switching sides again at the end of the season, all this pain inflicted was meaningless. You can talk all you want at me about Clarke’s *reasons* but all she did was take the path of most destruction towards the same end-point. It was just unnecessary violence caused because she had this desperation to take the wheel.

- all of this works because the writing is always in Clarke’s favour. The show is framed in a way that makes Clarke sympathetic, emphasises how much causing others pain hurts her, and that means that she’s never held to any of these actions, she might get a stern talking to but she’s forgiven insanely easily and allowed to go on with no actual change.

Pr//ncess M//chanic

Unfortunately, from what i’ve gathered, there’s a lot of racism in this one just as there is in Be//arke. I mean the entire nature of the relationship relies on the elevation of Clarke and the narrative power to demote Raven to ‘second best’ and prop over and over again. Raven, a girl who works her ass off to make most of the victories in the show possible, actually spoke the words “she saved us again” after launching a pod from an exploding planet into space and fixing the ark while space walking. It’s mindblowing. Raven’s (and others’) successes are handed to Clarke on a silver platter and we’re just meant to eat that up and blindly accept that Clarke is our one true saviour. I’m not going into this because it makes me feel sick and Raven deserved better.

Unrelated thoughts:

I don’t see their relationship as friendly at all post-season two. I got the impression Raven actually didn’t like Clarke, but it was all very complicated.

I also think it’s terribly convinient Raven never found out the true nature of Clarke’s relationship with Lexa because I don’t believe she would’ve ever been okay about Clarke again if she had (if the writers were going for realistic).

Madi/Clarke/Abby

Clarke strapped a torture device around her daughter’s neck for means of control and activated it under the guise of protection and that isn’t okay in any world or any context. Madi is a little girl who is dependant on Clarke and Clarke betrayed that trust. Those shock collars were used on her early in the season, she experienced the torture herself and still used it on her child. A lot of Clarke’s more unfavourable and/or unhealthy behaviours and characteristic are also present in Abby, which leads me to believe those are a product of her upbringing. Like mother like daughter, Abby also electrocuted Raven. Abby and Clarke have this strange rival-like relationship and I find it particularly cold, maybe because they’re so similar.

Abby and Raven

Abby has physically harmed Raven more than once. Out of anger and spite, or out of desperation. People hurting each other on this show is pretty standard and while this isn’t as overwhelming a mistreatment compared to others, her hitting Raven while she was acting chancellor was a pretty gross abuse of power. Its a visual display, with Abby’s imposing figure looming over a sitting and emotionally vulnerable Raven. We’re supposed to view this, i think, as mother-daughter. Abby says very early season one that Raven reminds her of Clarke, but she’s never shown treating Clarke in the way she does Raven. I liked the relationship during season one. From then and with Abby’s slow descent into villainy, not so much.

Ontari and Murphy

*She raped him. Next.

Cl//phy

Clarke is a cause/reason, whether direct or indirect, of a huge chunk of Murphy’s suffering, all of which she’s never been held accountable for due to Murphy’s position as undesirable. I, along with Murphy, had to be told she cares about him in season six because her otherwise complete disregard for his life has been pretty apparent.

Notable mention:

Chaining up him and Emori like dogs and promising to sacrifice the woman he loves, against her will, for the greater good after he saved her life. He has to beg her, plead with her and her almighty god complex, and it’s all quite uncomfortable and eery. (She later draws a picture of this event in her sketchbook which is…kinda weird.) And, in true Clarke fashion, she refuses to accept responsibility for this action and hides behind the same old trend of gaslighting and screaming “i had to!!!” I can’t root for a friendship between these two no matter how fun their back-and-forth can be. Especially since I can’t recall a single time they’ve shared a nice moment. Oh, and here’s a post about why Clarke and Murphy will never bond over isolation and survival.

*The clashing of Ontari and Murphy’s personalities was hilarious and I enjoyed watching them on screen together.

#the 100 #anticlarke #antibellarke #anti princess mechanic #anti bellarke #finally free of this question #the100meta #tw; child abuse #tw; rape #ro.answers

[suave-ish]

tw depression anxiety and covid-19

hello everyone, my name is mercedes and i don’t know who will read this i have no followers but i hope it reaches someone. i don’t use this blog much but here we are. im typing this on mobile so please forgive me if it’s messy.

i woke up at five in the morning today and i checked my emails. ive been waiting for results for 4 days. i saw the notification. clicked on it, logged in, and read, “positive.”

and although i am considerably healthy and have a strong immune system, i cried and i cried and i cried.

i have covid-19.

i want to talk about the symptoms i had before i got my results and about how i’m feeling now. mentally and physically.

everyone i’ve ever heard talk about covid-19 says the FIRST thing to look for is a fever. and that’s valid! it’s a very common symptom amongst most people. except for me! i took my temperature every single day and it never exceeded a 97.4. the first symptoms i started showing was a headache and dry throat. the next day i started experiencing cold-like symptoms. runny nose, coughing, itchy throat. around day 3-4 of noticeable symptoms i started having trouble taking deep breaths.

i also experienced extreme fatigue. (i’m not a napping type of person but i found myself taking more and more naps. i didn’t think much of it because i’m pretty much always tired. ive been like that since i was young. i only ever took naps when i was sick. lo and behold).

i started feeling better after a week of experiencing symptoms so i thought that was it. just a mild cold. no fever. i was wrong. one morning i got up and i felt extremely nauseous. i felt sick to my stomach, i was dizzy, and the world was spinning. and yet i got in my car and headed to work.

yeah that lasted an hour. i called my boss and i told her i needed to go home immediately. i had to wait another hour for someone to come in and cover the shift. i have never felt that kind of nausea in my entire life. that’s when i decided to take the test. my instincts told me, you’re sick. you have it. but (as one does) i hoped to god that it would be negative. i did everything to protect myself and yet i still got it.

anyway. today i feel extremely tired and weak. my stomach still feels a little nauseous but that’s about it for how i’m feeling physically. on to the mental side affects of this all.

i want to mention that i have severe anxiety and depression so lockdown hasn’t been great for me, i don’t have stable coping mechanisms for either illnesses so i just have to bare the brunt of it all when i’m experiencing episodes.

today has been the worst since i just found out i have covid-19. i live in a household with 6 people (including me). three children and one person with a compromised health. my mother had valley fever and although it is currently inactive, it still affects her health and immune system. if you’re from the valley you’re probably familiar with it and so you might understand how scary this pandemic is for her.

i went through a lot of emotions. shock. fear. guilt. i’m already feeling the brunt of isolation (not to mention the way my fucking ass hurts from laying in bed for 5 days straight.) but all those other feelings made it worse. especially knowing i could put my mother in danger.

and if you’re self isolating and you’re like me, you need social interactions so your mental health doesn’t suffer too much, please reach out to people. anyone. i talk to my friends and grandma over facetime. sometimes my siblings yell “i love you!” from across the house. i’m grateful to be in a position where i will most likely recover soon. i’m thankful to have a roof over my head to protect me and others from spreading the virus. not everyone has that privilege.

please. if you show any symptoms, get tested! i went to a testing center in my city that provides free self swab tests and i hope that you can find something similar.

and please please please. stay home if you can. if you can’t, wear a mask. prevent the spread.

#covid 19 #coronavirus #corona symptoms #preventcovid19 #prevent the spread #wear a mask #signal boost #tw anxiety #tw depression #tw coronavirus #im nervous please be kind

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

#bad day #rant

[sunchosens]

not expected pt. 2

pairing: andreil word count: 3k-ish rating: explicit read on ao3 first part here bonus: happy birthday part two for my wife lyra @flitwick

“You slept with him,” Dan says, voice suspiciously calm. Neil shifts in his seat and thinks maybe this wasn’t his smartest idea. “In the locker room.” There’s definitely a flush starting to crawl up his cheeks and Neil knows for sure this wasn’t his best idea. “While the rest of us were in the building.” Her voice has grown in pitch, and peeking at her from under his eyelashes, Neil can tell she’s moments away from leaping over the table to throttle him.

“Technically,” Neil says, once he’s retained his resolve, “we only fooled around in the locker room. There was no sleeping.” Dan seems to become even angrier, a feat Neil didn’t think was possible. “Or insertion,” he adds, as an afterthought, but that doesn’t seem to calm her.

Dan slams her hand on the table. They’re sitting in a reasonably crowded restaurant and more than a few heads turn their way at the sound. Neil feels incredibly flustered and isn’t sure what to say to manage this situation. “In what world,” she begins, her voice dangerously low, “did you think it would be a good idea to hook up with the most volatile person on the team. Are you fucking stupid, Neil?”

Neil frowns. “He’s not going to hurt me, if that’s what you’re saying.”

Dan throws her hands in the air at that and begins to laugh. Neil’s frown deepens. He knew Andrew wasn’t very well-liked on the team, but he hadn’t expected this reaction from Dan. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth Andrew for thirty minutes, Dan,” Neil says, offended. “I told you as a friend and also as a professional courtesy, seeing as you’re team captain. That doesn’t mean you have the right to judge who I may or may not be starting a thing with.”

She just looks at him, eyes wary. “Does Andrew know you’re here?” Neil gives a short nod. Yes, Andrew did know Neil planned to tell Dan. In fact, he warned Neil of this very reaction and Neil’s sure he’s more than prepared to gloat when he finds out how horribly it went.

“Be careful,” she sighs, finally, and picks up her menu. “Just be careful.” Glad the conversation is over, Neil buries his face in his menu, still riding the anger from before. His phone buzzes in his lap and he glances down to check it, only to see that Andrew’s texted him.

kevin wants me 2 take him 2 the court im coming 2 u

Neil half-smiles, texting back Can’t, I’m at lunch with Dan

i know

They’re halfway through lunch when Andrew drops into the chair next to Neil. His hair is disheveled and his cheeks are pink and Neil thinks he’s never seen anything quite as beautiful. Andrew catches him staring and raises an eyebrow, saying nothing, and Neil turns away feeling slightly flustered. Dan catches his eye and gives him a knowing look and Neil decides the best mode of response is to just stare at his food.

“What are you doing here, Minyard?” Dan asks, cooly. “I don’t remember inviting you anywhere.” Andrew shrugs, unbothered, his leg pressing hotly against Neil’s under the table.

“Avoiding Kevin.” He says shortly, deftly snatching Neil’s fork out of his hand and proceeding to take a bite of pasta off his plate. Neil debates the merits of kicking him under the table, but decides against it. “Plus, Neil practically begged me to,” he continues, bland as ever.

Neil chooses that moment to step on Andrew’s foot as hard as he can without Dan noticing. He’s not sure he’s succeeded, judging on the look of dawning horror and confusion.

As Neil and Andrew walk out of the restaurant together, Neil shakes his head. “That was mean,” he says, not exactly reproachful. After what Dan said about Andrew, he thinks she deserves a small shock. Andrew doesn’t say anything but he grabs Neil’s arm and pulls him against a brick wall of an alley they were passing by.

“Funnily enough,” Andrew says dryly. “I don’t care.” His lips brush Neil’s neck and Neil arches his back slightly, trying to push into Andrew’s hold on him. Andrew puts a hand on Neil’s hip, his hold tight enough to bruise, the way Neil likes it.

He’s not ashamed to admit he whines, low in his throat. “Andrew,” he murmurs. Andrew looks at him with dark eyes, pupils blown wide with lust. He presses Neil harder into the wall and kisses him, tongue hot and insistent.

“Say it again,” he hisses, moving even closer to Neil than he thought was physically possible.

He kisses Neil’s neck again, stopping in a place high enough to be clearly visible to suck a dark mark into the skin. “Andrew,” his voice stutters, but it seems to incense Andrew, because he’s reaching back up to kiss Neil hot and heady.

Of course, because Wilds’ is a fucking snitch, Boyd’s the second one to find out. Andrew thinks maybe he should have threatened her with bodily harm so she would keep her mouth closed, but in the long run he knows they’re going to find out anyway. He just hates Wilds’ eyes following him around the court, like she’s waiting for him to make a wrong move so she can justify to Neil why he should end things with Andrew.

Andrew never thought Boyd was particularly smart and his opinion isn’t challenged much when Boyd comes to confront him in the locker room. “Minyard,” he says, one hand on the locker next to Andrew’s, while he’s got his shirt tangled around his head. “We need to talk.”

Because Boyd’s a fucking pussy and Andrew isn’t, the physical barrier provides no resistance for him. Once Andrew’s wrestled his shirt to where it belongs, he gives Matt a long once-over. “Leave a message,” he suggests, and elbows him in the stomach. Andrew sidles around him and is out of the locker room before Boyd can catch his breath.

The next time he tries to corner Andrew, he’s slightly smarter about it, but not by much. Smarter in that he comes to Neil’s apartment when he knows Andrew’s there so Andrew can’t do anything violent, like stab him, but also he’s trapped himself in a room with Andrew and Neil together.

Boyd comes in without knocking. “What the fuck,” he yelps, hands flying up to cover his eyes. Andrew rolls off Neil, from where he was caging him onto the ground, one hand up his shirt and the other tangled off his hair. He smooths his shirt flat and turns an unimpressed look onto Matt.

“What the fuck, Matt,” Neil groans, pushing himself up into a sitting position. “What do you want?” Andrew already told Neil about their locker room encounter, and so he can tell Neil’s more annoyed at being interrupted than anything else.

Matt splutters, his face turning red. “Oh god,” he says, hand still over his eyes. “Are you two decent?”

“I think you could still catch a glimpse of Neil’s boner if you looked hard enough,” Andrew says, off-hand. Matt yelps and turns around completely, dropping his hand in the process.

Neil gives Andrew a nasty glare and Andrew just smiles lazily at him. He likes riling Neil up in front of his friends, likes the way his cheeks flush pink and his eyes get all shifty. “Way too much info, Minyard,” Matt groans. “Listen, Dan told me what you guys were up to.”

Rolling his eyes, Neil gets to his feet, ignoring the way Andrew tries to grab at him to stay on the floor, much to Andrew’s displeasure. “What we were up to?” Neil asks rhetorically. “What are we, in middle school?”

“I just wanted to make sure, you know, everything was cool. Or whatever.” Boyd is still staring at the wall so Andrew can’t see his face but the tops of his ears are still red. Neil grabs his shoulder and physically turns him around.

“Why wouldn’t everything be cool?” Neil asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

Andrew decides he’s missing out on all the fun. “He means because we’re fucking.” Matt shifts uncomfortably. “Doesn’t he?”

“Well. Yes.” Matt is looking everywhere other than Andrew. “Dan may have mentioned something to that point. And well...” He’s looking at Neil now, sickeningly earnest. “You and Minyard aren’t exactly on the best of terms so I just wanted to make sure everything was... cool. Or whatever,” he finishes lamely.

Andrew’s having a hard time keeping an impassive face. Just what, exactly, do Neil’s friends think he’s going to do to him. Neil seem to be equally displeased, judging by the stony look on his face. “Do you really think Andrew is doing anything I don’t want him to do?”

“Well...” Matt looks at Andrew for the first time, looking a little guilty. Andrew gives him a wave, blank faced, and Matt pales some. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Neil places a hand on Matt’s shoulder and gently but firmly pushes him towards the door. “Thank you for the concern. Good-bye. Say hi to Dan from me, won’t you?” He slams the door in Matt’s shell shocked face. He slumps against the door, hair still disheveled from where Andrew ran his hands through it and turns to look at Andrew.

“Unbelievable,” he says, dully. “They’re unbelievable. What’s next? Going to Wymack? Going to,” he gives a full-body shudder, “Kevin?”

Andrew pats the ground next to him. “Come back here, Josten.” Neil drags himself away from the door and drops down next to Andrew. “Does what they say have any effect on whether you want to be here or not?”

Neil shakes his head mutely.

“Then it doesn’t matter. Yes or no?” Neil blinks at him, owl-like.

“Yes.” He’s reaching for Andrew at the same time Andrew moves to reposition himself back into their position before Matt had interrupted them. Andrew kisses him, slow and hot, taking his time. He’s pretty sure Neil locked the door and Kevin never takes his keys.

“Do you fucking mind?” Kevin’s voice cuts through the room, full of scorn. Neil can feel a whole body flush come on at the sound, for good reason. He and Andrew are tangled up on the sofa and Andrew’s got one hand down Neil’s pants, around his dick and the other tangled in his hair while he sucks bruises onto Neil’s neck.

Neil is in a similarly compromising position, one of his hands on the back of Andrew’s neck holding his head where he wants it, and the other gripping Andrew’s ass under his sweatpants. Andrew’s head whips around and he bares his teeth at Kevin in a mockery of a smile. “Do you fucking mind? We’re a little busy here.”

“Andrew,” Neil groans, pushing at his chest. Andrew pushes himself up so Neil can arrange himself in a sitting position, and drops down next to him after.

Kevin looks outraged. He’s got an Exy bag slung over his shoulder and his hair is dark with sweat. “This is what you two were doing when you said you couldn’t make it to extra practice tonight?” Neil tries to look abashed but he thinks he’s failing miserably. He glances at Andrew who has an incredibly bored look on his face.

“What can I say?” Andrew’s voice is bland. “Neil’s just a little minx. Can’t keep his hands off me.” Kevin’s glare narrows in on Neil, like shards of glass.

Neil holds his hands up in reproach. “You know I love Exy, Kevin,” he says, still feeling flushed and a little aroused. Andrew rolls his head to look at Neil, a lazy smile touching his mouth. His eyes are still dark and molten and Neil’s dick twitches with interest.

“God,” Kevin spits. “Stop eye-fucking each other in front of me. Have some goddamn decency.”

“Sorry,” Neil says distractedly, eyes focused on the way Andrew’s tongue wets his lips. He catches gazes with Andrew again, and there’s a knowing glint in Andrew’s eyes. Kevin scoffs, not managing to rip Neil’s attention away from Andrew.

“I’m going to Nicky’s. I’ll be back in an hour, you two better be done fucking by then.” Kevin scoffs, storming out. He slams the door behind him. “Fucking disgusting,” Neil thinks he hears Kevin mutter.

The moment the door locks behind him, Andrew is shifting on the sofa, hands going to Neil’s hips as he works to pull his sweatpants off. “Some people,” he murmurs, mouth tantalizingly close to Neil’s dick, “have no tact.”

Neil becomes too busy to formulate a response, his hips straining up against Andrew’s hold as Andrew sinks his mouth onto Neil’s dick, rough and hot and all-consuming.

The fourth time it happens, even Andrew has to admit, it looks pretty bad. He’s got a bottle of lube in hand, neither of them are wearing pants and they’re both shirtless. Neil’s wearing just his boxers which do little to conceal his erection and his hair is ruffled in a “just been fucked” kind of way, while Andrew is sure he’s not much better.

They are also both in the locker room.

“Oh, god,” Nicky squeaks, bumping into a locker door and slamming it shut. “Am I interrupting?” Andrew sees Neil’s eyes close in defeat.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Neil starts, and Andrew feels a flicker of dry amusement. Surely, he doesn’t think that’s actually going to work.

Nicky actually laughs, before he remembers what he’s walked in on. “You can’t think I’m going to believe you? Me, the only other gay member of this team?” His voice is incredulous. “Neil.”

Neil’s head thuds back against the lockers. He pales suddenly, drawing Andrew’s attention. “Dan’s gonna kill me,” he moans. “Technically, we had never slept together in the locker room.”

“Technically,” Andrew feels the need to point out, “we still haven’t.” He looks at Nicky pointedly, feeling distinctly disgruntled. Ever since the first time he and Neil had hooked up, at the start of their relationship, whatever this was, taking things all the way with Neil in the locker room had been a very frequent fantasy of his.

“Dan knows?” Nicky asks. “Before me? Neil, how could you?”

“Who doesn’t know at this point?” Neil asks rhetorically, still sounding upset.

Nicky gives a little choked sort of laugh, cough-like, drawing both of their attention. “Well, the whole team knows now,” he says, laughing again, his hand coming up and showing them his phone screen where he’s sent a message in the group chat along with a very... detailed meme.

“I’m going to fucking kill you, Nicky,” Neil says, throwing himself towards Nicky, rather unsuccessfully seeing as Andrew is in his path. Nicky just laughs, looking back down at his phone. Andrew pets Neil’s hair in a condescending manner, slightly turned on by his failed act of aggression. He honestly couldn’t care less who knew, it would just give him and Neil more leeway with the team.

“Better get dressed, lovebirds,” Nicky says. “Dan’s called a team meeting in the lounge in 15.”

He leaves the locker room, still laughing, and Neil immediately turns on Andrew. “This is all your fault,” he says, the tips of his ears red. “You were the one who wanted to fuck in the locker room!”

Andrew just shrugs, reaching around Neil to grab his shirt from where he’d tossed it into the locker. “I didn’t know Nicky was going to walk in.” Neil just frowns, watching with hooded eyes as Andrew pulls his pants up. “Are you upset people know?”

Neil rolls his eyes, turning around to get his own clothes out of the locker. “Don’t be stupid.” They make their way out of the locker room and join Kevin on the sofa. Dan’s sitting on Matt’s lap in one of the armchairs and Nicky and Aaron are already sitting in the two chairs on either side of the sofa. Allison is laying on her back on the carpet in the middle, but she sits up straight when she sees Neil and Andrew. Renee is sitting cross legged next to her, a serene look on her face.

“I’d like to be the first to say, what the fuck,” Allison says, once everyone is settled. “Who knew you two were a couple?” When no one moves to say anything, she frowns. “I want a raise of hands.” Andrew raises his hand first and Allison rolls her eyes.

Slowly, Dan and Matt join him, along with Kevin and Nicky. Allison throws her hands in the air. “And no one was going to tell me? Do you know how much money I have invested in this?”

“You were betting on us?” Neil asks, surprised. Andrew thinks his surprise is rather naive.

“How much did you win?” Andrew asks instead, leaning forward. Allison grins slyly.

“Enough,” Dan says. “We’re an exy team, not a gossip magazine. It’s no one’s business who’s sleeping with who as long as it doesn’t affect your performance on court.”

Andrew had been expecting Kevin to agree with Dan, but he disappoints. “You don’t have to live with Andrew,” he sneers. “If I walk in on them one more time I’m filing an official complaint with Wymack.”

Neil leans forward and glares at Kevin over Andrew. “And tell him what exactly? What exactly do you hope to achieve by doing that?”

Kevin opens his mouth to answer, but Dan cuts him off. “Enough!” Both Kevin and Neil sink back into the sofa and Andrew rolls his eyes.

“What Neil and I choose to do in our spare time concerns none of you. So, if you would be so kind, please shut the fuck up.” He smiles sharply, fingering the weight in his wristbands. The unsaid threat hangs over the room.

“I’m very happy for you two,” Renee says. She smiles pleasantly. Aaron stands abruptly, having said nothing the entire time. He glances at Andrew, gaze unreadable. Andrew smiles blandly at his twin in response.

“Yes, very happy,” Aaron says. “Can we leave now?” Dan waves her hand and the room scatters almost instantly. Neil stays slumped down on the sofa and watches as everyone leaves.

Andrew stays next to him, giving him a look from the corner of his eye. “Do you want to make it Facebook official?” He asks. “Would that make you feel better?”

Neil elbows him sharply in the side. “Very funny.”

Neil leaps out of the way of another ball, his legs burning with the exertion. Wymack blows on the whistle, halting game play for the moment and Neil makes sure to flip Andrew off. Andrew returns the gesture, spinning his racket in his hand.

Neil can feel the entire team watching them–they have been ever since the news broke–and Neil hates it. “Back to your positions,” Wymack shouts, blowing the whistle again. Neil resumes his spot in front of Andrew, running through his drill of trying to score on Andrew.

Neil finally manages to catch Andrew off-guard, faking him out and catching the very bottom of the net. Andrew slams the bottom of his racket on the floor, but Neil catches the flash of his teeth from through his helmet and can tell Andrew is smiling.

Wymack eventually calls an end to the drills. “Alright, everyone, I want you guys to take the afternoon off and I’ll see you here tonight for the game. Good job today.” They move to break off to the locker rooms. “Neil,” Wymack calls, before Neil can follow after Andrew. “Stay for a minute.”

“What’s up, Coach?” Neil asks, slightly out of breath after the court has cleared.

To his credit, Wymack doesn’t show any discomfort. “Dan told me about you and Minyard.” Neil keeps a straight face, stubbornly. “I just wanted to tell you to be careful and also to make sure you two can still work together on the court.”

Neil wants to fight, but he recognizes the support for what it is. So instead, he just nods and gives Wymack a slightly forced smile. “It won’t be a problem,” he says.

It’s their first game together since the whole team knows, Neil realizes halfway through the first half. Somehow, everything seems different, even though no one in the public can tell the difference. Neil feels hyper aware of action he makes, even though he knows his team is too busy to pay attention to what he’s doing.

Neil misses a goal, having been abruptly knocked out of the way by a backliner, his aim going wild and he can hear Andrew’s angry yell from behind. The crowd goes wild, probably thinking Andrew’s mad at Neil. He can recognize it for what it means, and grins under his helmet.

The ending of the game comes faster than Neil could anticipate and he’s lining up to fire on the goalie. Thinking back to his drill this morning and pulls the same motions he did against Andrew. The ball hits the net moments before the final buzzer goes off and the crowd rises up in a tide of noise. They’ve won and Neil feels heady with triumph. The rest of the team swarms him, shouting incoherently.

Neil spies Andrew, helmet off by the goal. His hair is dark with sweat and he’s flushed with exertion. He catches Neil’s gaze and gives him a lazy salute, face blank. Neil’s moving away from the rest of his team without even realizing what he’s doing. He shoves his helmet and racket into Kevin’s arms.

Andrew must realize what his intent is because he moves towards Neil, leaving his racket leaning up against the goal post. “Yes,” he’s saying as he approaches Neil and Neil cups his face in his hands before kissing him intently.

It’s awkward and uncomfortable, both of their uniforms and gear too bulky to get particularly close, but Neil can feel Andrew’s pride in the way his hands clench in Neil’s hair. They part, and Neil’s smiling victoriously, chest heaving.

Andrew gives him an appraising once-over. “You are incredibly stupid,” he says, and he’s almost inaudible in the din of the stadium.

Neil just laughs. He can’t stop smiling and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to stop anytime soon. “I hate you,” he says cheerily, the rest of the team coming up around them.

Andrew just shakes his head and kisses Neil again.

#aftg fic #tfc fic #andreil fic #andreil #all for the game #the foxhole court #*mw #userlyra #usernuwanda

[mountainbikeheart-blog]

Hill Bike Forks

Essential mountain biking items for beginners

Mountain Cycle Forks | A very helpful beginners guide | Huge batch Bike HeartAll About Pile Bike Forks Recently We submitted a brief review of Full Interruption Batch Bikes>  >   in addition to I thought I may possibly dance a little considerably more into mountain bicycle forks. So let’s commence the understanding with the essentials like, what are pile cycle forks? What are usually their capabilities? What are generally they made of? Which are the maintenance methods used for you to have them clean? Essentially, Im gonna discuss and offer a useful beginners guidebook to mountain motorcycle forks. Yay me. What exactly is Hill Bike Fork?

Essential mountain biking items for beginners

A motorbike derive is a metal part of the bike which keeps the bike and typically the entrance wheel together. And so the new part which tends to make sure that your own personal bike’s front wheel is definitely linked to the main body on the bike. A hand typically has two mower blades upon either side involving the controls and leading fork which usually joins all these two blades. Here is the signing up for which we can observe from your front view connected with the motorbike. This portion is more connected to help the handlebar so which steerage is possible. Unnecessary to say, that front side wheel of the bicycle is known as a leading element to often the whole cycle and the actual person. So often, the particular wheels and tires have the attention in safety bank checks repairs and maintanance checklists. But batch motorcycle forks need a new little adore too.

Merely because I’m this kind of good guy, I have did this awesome mountain bike shell diagram below. This can supply you with a good overview associated with the different ingredients that will go into mountain pay suspension. For this plans, I actually based in in a fairly common the lady of RockShox forks. RockShock forks are extremely frequent on a lot regarding factory products. So My spouse and i thought it might end up being one of the most relevant.

Mountain Motorcycle Forks | A beneficial novices guide | Huge batch Motorbike Heart

Functions involving Pile Bike Forks

Except if your personal mountain bike is actually totally rigid, meaning simply no postponement, interruption at all, and then you’re forks usually residence a set of dampers. These shock absorbers supply interruption by allowing typically the derive blades to proceed vertically along depending about the terrain, speed connected with travel and size associated with protrusions. The type regarding suspension and their qualities depend on the sort of bike you could be making use of. They are cutely named “legs” of the circuit, to get a reason.

The hand delay, pause allows riders in order to equipment rough and difficult hiking trails and obstacles together with far more comfort and simplicity that a rigid motorbike. Due to the the front suspension getting all often the impact, rider tiredness will be heavily reduced inside palms and forearms. Likewise, the actual level of control in which top suspension provides is usually also a huge factor. An individual simply don’t have to be able to work so difficult to hang up on to the bicycle, as well as maneuvering it will become much less of any obstacle. Can You Ride A new Mountain Bike On The actual RoadWhat Are Mountain Bicycle Forks Made Of?

Cycle forks are often made involving steel, aluminum, magnesium, ti, carbon fiber and a lot of more materials and precious metals for presenting an extra advantage. In many cases, the particular fork is made connected with carbon fiber knives while the lightweight and solid with an aluminum the queen's to offer better strength.

The particular design notion of mountain cycle forks may differ widely based upon on the need, substance used, shape and construction requirement. Absolute care is definitely taken within each and also every aspect as typically the cruise feel. Riders will probably knowledge a product associated with all these factors collectively. These days, as there is not any room quality compromise, specifically with your forks. A lot more and more, purchase is disturbing the best bikes plus the best features. The makers giving answers to the call usually are the ones having the revenue.

For example, even even though carbon fibre forks will substantially raise the price of often the bike total, the producers are not taking the backside step. Because, from the end of the actual day, they already know that the consumer cares for having the particular very best experience and certainly not the price tag. In addition, these forks are developed to may help impact regarding vibrations proposed by the diverse types of terrain.

Inside yesteryear, it was pretty common to view wood extensively used as the motorcycle fork material. Thank chivalry, days past are gone.

Sorts of Bike Forks Delay, pause Forks

This kind involving shell has an further duty connected with providing pause to the riders. Several of the forks get a physical motion associated with up and down whilst new and hybrid designs have an internal motions which can be subtle and simple. Once more there are any couple of variations regarding suspension offered by typically the forks. 1. Single pay along with 2. double derive, which is to be directly attached for you to the spiral handlebar. This specific sort of design supplies a comfortable ride on incredibly tough terrain. Top on the lookout for starter mountain bike blunders to help avoidSingle Blade

Typically the best illustration which a single can think of is actually, the bikes used inside sporting. They are offered the postponement, interruption with just one single leg. Several huge name cycle manufacturing organizations just like Cannondale’s uses these kind of kinds of forks with their bikes. We cannot see this type involving single lower-leg suspended device in goes biking. Because often the demand for high efficiency along with the hilly terrain will need dual side blade in order to provide successful suspension. Connection To The Mainframe

Rarely assume that the hand will be attached to be able to the main deal with Technological innovation and research include exposed the door for quite a few fresh advancements and development. In several triathlon bikes, the actual forks will be immediately attached to the particular axis of an external shell, which is assisted simply by a couple of different frames independently.

Entrance Suspension

The pay interruption of the entrance wheel of an mountain motorbike has a significant portion of work to accomplish. Although going downhill or perhaps standard ride the weight with the rider and the bicycle was created to act more typically the front steering wheel. Commonly, hill bikes have the item adjustability of this weight behaving collection, firm or soft according to their personal using tastes.

Fork suspension connected with bikes up mountain trails are made right up of stanchion tubes while using vertical axis movement. These kinds of tubes can move upward in addition to down depending upon the need. Top tyre will be attached for you to the lower of the derive while the higher hand I attached to the top tube of the huge batch cycle frame. What will be a mountain motorcycle employed forAir spring

It is really an tool which is popularly made use of as spring action within the fork. So next moment once you feel smooth way up and down movements. Often the degree of resistance presented by often the spring can easily be adjusted as for every rider’s convenience. It’s therefore gratifying to see thus many options available to help riders of all measurements as well as riding styles. It may be really easy now to call inside your perfect custom delay, pause options. Rear suspension

Backside pause is only noticed in mountain bikes that offers dual, both front and also rear suspension. The odd terminologies for this sort of postponement, interruption are “full-sus” “dual-sus” throughout riders slang. As surfaces offers much more roadblocks along with challenges the actual amount of pressure in rear suspension will boost rapidly. The basic perform of the rear end in addition to front suspension tend to be practically the same as they will deal with the identical excess weight. But the rear jolt absorber is often positioned in the midst of the backed and front triangle listed below the rider’s seat.

Any sort of Mountain bike forks or maybe the suspension system often demand maintenance and cleaning, whether it be at home or services centre. As there are usually many parts which can be with motion, a small a significant bikes suspension may give you huge discomfort ride. Consequently always take an specialist thoughts and opinions and follow suggestions inside the service manual just before restoring your wonderful pile motorbike by yourself.

Well-liked Brands

In terms of forks presently there are a few models this stand out. Batch bike forks are and so important to your drive comfort. But also enjoy a vital part in keeping an individual safe and secure. Forks are priced accordingly, seeing that so much is cycling to them, literally. play that safe and look regarding trustworthy manufacturers like ‘RockShox’, for example. RockShox is the particular go-to individuals for consequently many bike companies. They will are of great benefit. But also keep a great eye out for companies like Marzocchi, X-Fusion as well as Fox. These are furthermore high quality manufacturers and just about all their products is a lot more than capable of stopping typically the mountain bike existence.

Ending

I hope My partner and i was able to provide better idea about batch bike forks and just how all of it goes together. When you have some other feedback, please leave them down below, and please consider opting-in to stay in often the loop. Appreciate your sharing reading and also happy pistes.

[yournewapartment]

Need help on this topic, im so lost.. I'm 20, female and have NEVER had a romantic relationship of any kind. I blame living in the country and lack of a dating pool. But I would like to try and find someone.. I want a relationship thats aimed toward marriage, but I don't know if I'm ready or how to start or if I'm actually attracted to anyone which scares me. I know girls don't turn me on but I'm not even sure if guys do and if I can't love or feel for anyone I'm scare of being alone forever

I know it’s frustrating, but try to remember- there is no set schedule for meeting someone, falling in love, and getting married. You have so much time! I know it might not seem like that right now, but I promise that that special someone is out there waiting for you. You’ll meet them when the time is right. And please remember, you don’t have to decide who/what that person is right now. Just feel it out as you go along, and listen to what feels right.

I’ve combined three posts for you. Advice on finding someone, dating someone, and then having sex with said person (if you so choose).

I hope you find this helpful! Hit me up with any specific questions.

Finding That “Special Someone(s)”

1. The first step is deciding what you’re looking for in a relationship. It’s best to be as specific as possible, while knowing that you can always adjust with time. One of the things you need to be definitive about is whether you’re looking for a committed relationship or not. No judgment either way, but you need to know what makes you comfortable. Some other things to consider:

Monogamy or Polyamory 

To sex or not to sex

Are you willing to LDR?

What sort of activities are you looking to do with this person? Hiking, gaming, exploring, etc.

Does age matter to you?

2. Once you know what you’re looking for, start looking for people who fit that criteria. This might seem like an obvious notion, but really, so many people form unrealistic expectations with people/persons who don’t fit their ideal. I’m not saying that they need to be 100% what you’re looking for. Nobody will be! But if you’re looking for a committed relationship and get involved with someone who is not ready to settle down, you can’t expect them to suddenly come around to your way of thinking. Start off with someone on the same page as you.

3. How do you meet such a person? Use your environment! You’re around so many people all day, people who may not be of interest to you, but people who know people. Find out if your friends know anyone who fits your picture. Friends are a great way to meet people. Also, hate to say it, but go to parties! Go to parties with you friends and socialize. Is there someone cute in your Physics class? Find out if she wants to go over homework with you at the campus cafe.

4. I also recommend frequenting places that you enjoy, and scoping out potential cuties. If you like to read, hang out at Barnes and Nobles to find a guy who likes to read. If you like hiking, join an outdoor adventure group. Feed your soul, while on The Hunt.

5. I highly recommend befriending any person you’re interested in. Put yourself in social situations with this person, to see if you’re socially compatible. We all know people who are sexy as all fuck but share nothing in common with us. Start with the shared experiences and work from there, I guarantee you that this method creates better and longer lasting relationships.

Dating Tips

1. Figure out what you’re looking for in a partner. There are lots of fish in the sea, and every one is different! You may be attracted to someone but not sexually or socially compatible with them. If you know exactly what you’re looking for, you may find it easier to zero in on the person(s) that interest you the most. Remember that you can always and should always adjust your wants/needs as time goes on.

Here are some ideas to get you started, but this is by no means a complete list:

Are you ready to commit to certain relationships? Or are you in the mood to explore different people with no particular ties?

Are you interested in one person? Or multiple people?

Are you interested in sex?

Are you bold and looking for someone to get out of your comfort zone with? Or are you confident and happy with where you are sexually? Or a mixture of the two?

2. Choose your “perfect date” ahead of time. I’m not a super spontaneous person, and I envy those that are. But I feel much less anxious when I already have a date planned in my head. Plans can always be adjusted, but I like to have a plan. In my mind, the “perfect date” has three parts…

One: The shared activity. Start your date off with an activity for you to do as a couple. Something public like a movie or a visit to a museum or hiking. While this may not seem super romantic to you, this is a great way to bond in a non-sexual way. And a public venue and a pre-determined activity takes some of that anxious pressure off. You don’t have to talk a lot (if at all). Keep it light!

Two: Dinner. This takes a bit of research. Find out if your intended is an adventurous eater or if they have any food preferences. I like to experience new things, and I want to be with a person who is open to that. So I think this meal should be something new and exciting. Possibly food from a different culture that they’ve never tried, or else something gastro and experimental. But not too expensive. Stay under $50 for this first date. And TIP!!

Three: Romance. Now is the time for you to spend some one-on-one time together, if you’re both feeling it. You could invite them back to your place, or take a romantic walk in the park if you’re not ready. But somewhere semi-private where you can have a deep conversation and really get to know each other.

And that’s it! Rinse and repeat!

3. Please ignore any societal notions you ever had about communication. Text or call whenever you want to! If you really like them, do it right away. If someone is really put off by how quickly you contacted them after a date, then they are not for you.

4. Be open about your experiences. If you’re a virgin or haven’t dated before, tell the other person. If they really like you, they’ll remember that these are life experiences that everyone develops at different times and they won’t care. Don’t be with someone who thinks that inexperience is a bad thing. Everyone is different!

5. There is no timeline for when you should sleep with a person. Well, actually there is, but it’s called “your personal judgment”. The same goes for any oral sex you may or may not want to have. If she eats you out, you’re not required to do the same to her. If he gives you a rim job and then she licks your balls, you’re not required to suck his dick or her tits.

6. Safe sex is so important! Please use condoms or some form of birth control. Some STDs will stay with you for life, and not everyone is honest about them. I’d also suggest that if you are getting serious with someone, that both of you get checked out by a doctor. Your health insurance should cover a yearly visit!

7. Please use caution before sending anyone naughty pictures of yourself. Just Skype them and do some naughty cam stuff.

8. Remember that fights are totally natural. Fighting every day is not, but occasional fights are bound to happen. It’s so important to talk through problems! Don’t keep them bottled up and festering inside, if you can’t be honest about how you feel then why are you with them? Compromise when you can but stay true to yourself. A couple is a unit, but it’s the individuals that make it successful.

9. Go traveling and vacationing together. People are often at their most anxious when traveling, and I would absolutely recommend that you spend some time together to see if you can work through the stress. Also, if you’re going to move in with someone spend some time living with them first. Before my boyfriend and I moved in together, I spent two nights out of the week living at his parent’s house and he spent one night living at mine.

10. During the first few months of dating or being with someone, you’ll probably want to spend all your free time with them. Think “Glue” by the Velvet Underground. Spend that time with them, but stay true to what makes you passionate. Keep painting, running, cooking, whatever.

General Sex Tips

1. I would highly recommend that you spend some time “getting to know yourself” before having sex. Feel around down there, see what feels good and what doesn’t. See if you can get yourself turned on. The more experience you have knowing what works for you, the better you’ll be able to communicate with your partner or partners and have an enjoyable experience.

2. If you have a vagina, odds are that your first time having sex is going to be slightly painful. This is totally natural, and will go away as time goes by. But be prepared to be upfront with your partner and to ask them to go slowly or use more lube if things do start hurting.

3. Condoms! There are many different kinds (ribbed, flavored, hot and cold). Magnum are large condoms, so if you are buying condoms and don’t have a monster dick, you probably should not use them. An ill-fitting condom is an ineffective condom! Also make sure to always store condoms correctly and to throw them out after their expiration date. Only one condom at a time folks, wearing two condoms is not twice as protective. They’re more likely to rip.

4. If you have a vagina, you should be peeing and/or showering immediately after sex to prevent UTIs. These are no joke! They are extremely painful infections that cause you to pee blood. Always pee after sex. Pee twice. People with penises can also get UTIs, but it’s far harder.

5. Did you know that only 25% of people with vaginas can have vaginal orgasms? So if you can’t, don’t stress! There are all sorts of different orgasms to be had, and they are all equally amazing. If you’re not cumming, you’re not being stimulated properly. Try a new position, a new technique, try having your partner or partners stimulate you in a different area. The page I linked above is a bit gender specific, but it has really useful information, so please ignore these terms.

6. Foreplay is so important! Vaginas take an average of 20 minutes to get properly revved up and horny. The reason you’re “dry” down there is because you’re not properly stimulated. You can always use lube in a pinch or ask your partner to go down on you, but you’ll find that sex is easier and more enjoyable when you are literally “wet down there”.

7. Period sex. Oh how I love period sex. Vaginas are at their most sensitive during this part of the cycle, so achieving an orgasm can be easier. If you’re going to have period sex, throw a towel down first. Blood comes out super easily in the wash, you don’t have to do anything special to the cloth to get it clean. You will probably want to shower afterwards!

8. Communication is key. You cannot just lie back and think of England and hope that you’ll achieve a magical orgasm. It’s not like that. What turns your partner or partners on may not turn you on. This is absolutely fine! You may not even want to cum or be able to cum during your first time having sex, and this is fine too. Tell them what works and what doesn’t and be AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE.

9. On a similar note, you are not obligated to do anything to anybody else or to yourself that you are not comfortable with. You do not need to give blowjobs or hand jobs or even have sex with someone if you aren’t 100% into it. If someone is pressuring you and thinks that sex equates a happy relationship, then I would advise you to ditch them and get on with your life.

10. Protection! Please use protection. Whether this is condoms, birth control, an IUD, whatever. The pull out method does not work. I am a product of the pull out method. Not everyone with a penis has precum, but many do. Don’t take the chance! I am on birth control and I love it, but that’s a whole different post.

11. Dildos come in all different shapes and sizes. You can get ones that are smaller and thinner than actual penises and ones that are comically large. Make sure to use lube! Wash them with dish soap in your sink and leave to dry. Some dildos that are “hyper realistic” come with a powder that you have to put on them. These are incredible dildos, I highly recommend them. They feel so life like!

12. Edible underwear does not taste all that good. Neither do flavored condoms.

13. Black sheets or black blankets and sex are not a good mix. You will see cum stains. They wash out super easily, you don’t need to do anything special to clean them. Just keep them out of sight when your friends and Aunt Kathy come over.

14. If you start having sex and decide that you want to stop having sex then please tell your partner and stop. You are not obligated to keep going if you feel uncomfortable. Your body = your choice.

15. If you have a vagina then you will want to make an OBGYN appointment shortly after you start having sex. These are vagina doctors and they can check your vagina out to make sure that everything is okay. You should probably get your vagina checked out often if you have multiple partners. If you are in a relationship with one person and use protection, then once a year is fine.

#relationships #relationship advice #finding someone #love #romance #romance advice #falling in love #date #perfect date #date ideas #being an adul #how to adu #adult life #adult stuff #adulting

[macphairlane]

connecting with profs or nething at this point is not unlike the velvets live at kansas city, its a melodic and more or less productive affair considering lou reed the lead singer had just had electro shock …with friends of old and icons of great value to share ideas with; the record litterally comes fourth as a paranormal entity, in human forms. …but simply; its vinyl.

Shiney shiney, shiney rolls of tape, girls only I could help escape. blue eyes i could never see them take. rollin 365 up the staires, a crackhouse dive dweeb squaires, why whine, rye, a wife in mind. La monde avoir its roots entwined, 1st word; thyme in ice in time greedy pigs and shocks a freak, day in day out don’t miss a beat i love you still white light white heat ill miss your mother’s little feat; you glowies; children of the wheat. telepathy jealousy bahing sheep

one last and first thing to comprehend; to thrust forth and defend, to lash out introspectively, war on our brains unjust effectively we cant depend for they are liars with no morals only wires.

those we are forced to trust however wrong and evil they are to sever. Know that in time the universe will punish their evil doing, karma will get you through the abuse. Let logic steer you away from the danger they have on display the sick drs who will pay fake degrees and up and ha all together to wreck the day.

god bless the youth with their troubled times against them and theyre healthy minds 365 its live now draw a line between the fake malpractice swine and your mind and tricks entwined freed by the knowledge that you’re fine. now 705 thisle and thyme this matters more, to our kind they laugh and make you compromise your life to better fit their knife there gay and you are a good wife to me. someday they’ll go back to pay, and fuck you up a different way,

For that I think ill stay and wait here for alternate ways around the castle i call home and site beside your empty throne.

“love”  and the knowledge that one can be loved and in my case always, I only philosophise with the partial use of solid evidence that I have been loved by the one I love therefore at and for that moment(pretty much after the moment my phone died, after 30 seconds of reading trainpotting aloud, there was a subconscious subjective foggy notion that was there to be discovered by the psyche,  at this moment I can prove using circumstancial evidence and truth know by both partied involved, the dependant factor being me loving her forever, and the independent factor her being a single indesisive woman looking for a man who will love her forever combining to make a positive chemical and psysical reaction, that is the fundamental tradition that is the goal of all living thngs on this plant and its most evolutionary form of it is when it’s “Love based” one giving the other what its most in need of and deprived of, the others love, not the love of a friend, but physical experiments that are love based, expressing love on not neccesarily a physical level (like if ur on the phone or sumthing)but specifically a sexual level. The compounding factors that result in reactions happenings cresendoes babies,, are when the energy isnt circular but moves in one direction, when the one party is starved, an the other has a wealth, and the act of giving not just what the yearning needs, but what  he wants, when the desired with all her wealth, emparts her secret harboured denied expression love though tradional reproduction based activities, that friendship goes from “limbo” into action, even for a moment, through technology that alerts the senses, in this case hearing, wheather the deprived is even present or physically participating, isn’t the point the point is that the foggy notion of true love was expressed transmitted in a traditional and pivitol form, even though I picked up the transmission through one sense,  my ability to hear, the value of those vibrations, though lo-fi and misenterperted until the last few seconds before the line went dead (FUCK), were interperated and acknowledged and the whole venus in furs philosophy of the one party giving the other what it wants so bad, but has been denied, and doing it with love, or what they BOTH KNOW is the kind of love that’s needed and given over finally with effortless,  voluntary participation from the dominant, resuling in satisfaction in bohe parties (in my case the girl and I were more harmonized cause it was love based. Sex based, and send in the sacred medium of sound, and the talisman, the artifact, the memory the high velocity evidence that the message was of high fidelity, was that she didn’t use descriptive words (language) I was unfortunately (my medium at the time) it was her specific instrumental natural sirens alerting me to the intentions that truly lied behind her actions towards me  even if it was for that day only, this medium I collected from the field is highly obvious and irreplaceable piece of art that is regarded by the mind of the homosapien on a natural level as evidence that it not just social interacton, its a higher form of interaction, sexual yes, the highest form, occurs only when the truly loving is truly loved, on a sexual level, which indicates physical involvement,  and it did, only on one side, the side of the desired, the starvd had revieved the intention, and it was love, something metaphysical that can only be cofimed as occurring for ne length of time is undeniable corporeal action, even if its just her, givin er to you reading literature over the phone, the gift of reassurance that you are loved in this memorable case was not through words, but audible expressions from the depths of physical and mental activity from her diaphragm through her vocal chords and into my eardrum, was evidence enough that our seemingly healthy and thriving friendship was being held in limbo while I struggled with life and suffered over the denial of the true real deal love you were harbouring and saving in yourself for the future, didn’t dim and go out like a candle that burned up all the wax. Without official acknowledgement celebration and because I was still fucked up, without the long lasting  relationship that we wished wold follow and planned for, the sound of her primal sirens, sent mono ideo-dnamically from her entire physical being emitting frequencies that resonate with the earth around her and correspond with the stimuli, me, the correspondence being the brief experience of hearing the broadcast of it, acknowledging the fact that no matter how flawed or un aware I was prior to precieving what was transpiring an how classicly themed to fit my experience it was, that the fucking phone died before I heard the end of it, I clued in to what was going on, (id been informed of this “drone”she makes by her ex boyfriend (the other guy) right before he drove his helpful and convenient car out of her life)  Even if it was “her being noisy” it was fundamental sensual body chemistry, stimulated physically by the best means she knew how mentally by the imperative consciousness of the presence of the instinctualy, reproductivly essential of (in her case) a genuine male emitting stimuli, in both of our cases the stimuli was audio. The rare and most modern evolutionary trait is the simultaneous(I say this empathetically because were using language the figure this out not a live experiment going on right now or some shit) Emotional involvemint by both parties “while during coitus” bein, to into words, (I know that you’ve been loveing me so im gunna love you back) tho words are sweet but it doesn’t compare to the same message sent in the biologically, exceptional quality thats essential to the balance of the bodies involved and there connection to one another, the planet and the unverse, sound and where it comes from and the intention or involuntary reason for its presence and amplitude, dissonant or harmonious, perhaps my reading, my being on the line was the drone, and the harmony was her dissonant siren song. Its our new found puprose as humans to when ready reproduce.  Love is highly evolved, and requires corporeal and linguistic and energetic action on both parties to be confirmed as true love. It works like a battery(the casing of the battery is the relationship here), one end needs what the other end has access to; the positive end has its own energy attached to it(the juice in the battery, posetve energy),(in this case this is our one, the girl)attractive body(+end)and a mind (the positive ends underside that’s harboring all the energy in the friendship/relationship (battery casing)the negative port on the other end of the battery on its outside (my mind in this case)is permanently attached through the casing of the battery to the mind of the desired, this girls memories thoughts etc. (the underside of the positive end) and not her body. Why because the casing is plastic,( the friendship) isnt enough to join the two to create a circuit, but the love(the battery juice made up of strange elemets) attracted by her negative mind(the underside of the positive end) and makes her body(the tip) fertile and ready to create electricity(communication) only the casing of battery acid(loving friendship)charged by my positive actions(the acid is positively charged by the underside of my mind(the negative ends underside) which represents my body, which behaves like the warm intentions of my actions, which positively go nowhere unless her mind (negative underside of the top of the battery)gets inspired by the love in the friendship (which is positively charged yearning, my positive actions played lovingly into her open mind(negative underside of the top) inspiring her to do something with her body(top of the battery positive) in response to my positive charge on her mind and all the love it can unleash,  for the sake of warm intentions she turns on a cell phone,, her phone(or wire casing) the copper thread in the wire(the signal) the positive charge in the wire, (her calling me) and her hooking up the wire touching it to the negative end of the battery(her bodies actions and warm intentions inspired by a recognisable charge I embody that she identifies with(my body and life being negatively charged with aa positive mind and her beautiful face and attractive personality.)  my phone rings and I see its her, the one, I immediately am inspired that its her charge the one im missing positively lovely, what is she up to? and i pick it up,

A simple circuit at this point, is her using a tool or wire to send all her positive energy through to her body by using her minds attraction to positive energy, by simply attaching the wire it sends the positive energy not just through her mind and body but back down on her body, when the extension (the wire) is put on my mind(the negative end of the battery in this case, my mind),deliberately by her, sending the energized current of the love in our friendship (juice in the battery) into my mind(the end of the battery with a bump) by way of the wire (cell phone signals connecting our phones and her voice and energy being the current) all the positive energy meets the negative charge of my mind and then that foreign female tone (positive electrical current) the positive energy stemming from the juice, the love, that’s made up of elements like lithium(in the case of the battery and in my case as well) this element and other alloys, the whole chemistry of the battery acid, holds the charge positive because energy flows, and love or acid can be charged by the bi polarity of conducters meaning they are opposing one anothers charge on the outside leaving potential for power over nature,  while on the inside, inside the battery the compounding nature of the universe is seen between you and me, me and the chemicals and elements the acid the love that is positively charged by me and only me, in this battery regardless of proximity my charge is still the key, litteraly loving you moved energy directly making me alternately free but obviously reflects its imperfections symetricaly and quite similarly to your perfect face and body  only introspectively and this thing I call negativity you existentially use to control and manipulate me by means of electrical currents like a shark in the sea, but the ocean currents in our world somehow moved me so far we couldn’t be but as the drone turns up the heat as chemists cure insanity, inevitably the duality of the friendship followed the trail right back to me,  from the beach into the city,  while metaphysical acid rain fell on her black umbrella,  drops of synthetic nightshade provided a ground and a side effect equaled a perfectly balanced sound resembling a circuit around my neck and down to the nervous wreck, I stand and smoke out on the deck, and remember that was how we met I  stop, wait my energys charge self provides, enough energy to survive, with my new social activity the acid, charge, size, speed and proximity and  the voltage of the current and relativity. My positively charged ablilitys that betray the moon like your fertility, a simple circuit cant explain the lovesick emotional pain still forming drops of acid rain only strengthening my brain, its time I have to get reactive, send this to her radically brilliant highly attractive yet negatively charged mind where chemicals of another kind will get inspired as she reads about batteries and his energy (that she secretly lovingly keeps rightfully under her locks and key with her sharp mind and memory should recall the flattery,  the almost dead battery, poetic licence and mad hattery finally gets me through the matter we, lost all sense of pattern, see, the point was electricity, and keyboards I would never see, played like a former prodigy, with drones that resonate with me just barely metaphysically, through my sleep deprived behavior induced heightened state, Ive always been able to wait, epiphanies sometimes come too late, but revelations give me faith that your negative mind and my positive state, memories of how u altered fate, I know theres more to come but wait, don’t get offended by my state , my batteries dead so save the date, remember wiser things I’ve depictions finished in your head, an electrician would have briefly said, what took me hours,  in ten minutes u will have read, I must finish without my meds, theyd knock me out, blow to the head, ill miss away you time instead,  that lilliad inside your mind

DRONe3

.<0_O> — — µ — <_<)))) DRONe³ And other Poems and writings by James McFarlane Telepath/Necromancer James McFarlane·Friday, May 18, 2018 . Telepath may 2018 Pencil sharp, smoke a dart early morning engines start Crescent moon blue grass tunes frost on the window and my spoon. Dopamine and serotonin, pain relief telepath droning, a walk of life, on a limb buds froze until the dawn of spring. Train passing dread grasses, Sage burning sky lasting, electric currents flowing now, necromancer up and down, Dopamine and serotonin pain relief telepath droning, a walk of life on a limb buds froze until the dawn of spring. -Seumas Necromancer May 2018 Floating wearily but in some comfort overhead. Making sheets move on my bed. Conversations in and out, speaking without our mouths. Blue fires light up your darkness please don’t ever find me as heartless I love you always one two three here’s the bass now jam with me Exhale eternally into the mic, angel choirs out on strike. Necromancer up and down, rein / radius across town, soon I will return with thee to this town/life Ville/vie. –Seumas (New Revisions) James McFarlane +Seamus to thee, from my effort unsatisfied underground nothingdrones, its letting go and walking away from it to choose to lose, this is therapy now I need to go, you know it and I got the show on the road I’mtired and now am holding a rose, I’m loosing my grip on the following code DRONe -Seumas (James) Monday, February 22, 2016 OK thisone’s right off the wall: this is a strangely written and personal poem It’scalled “Siren heart Drone” (meant for a mature audience) A’ hem…. I’m nervous, I don’t freestyle often I wish there was a way to put this near the bottom of my timeline, it’ll be my latest and greatest lyric though, + POSETIVE INDUCTION — The positive attraction to your conductive psyche, is a form in itself existing in me, subjective almost ironically, the circuitry, being both electricity and imaginary cranked up high by your fun chemistry by way of the cerebral. (Which is flattering me) The circuitry with chemistry minus proximity, (causing a reaction deliberately) the electrical frequencies that you received from me were; artsy descriptions in accents I read. Other elements of me manifesting masculinity through my dorky frequency, gave off feedback that, officially; for me heralded the dawn of freed energy. So… metaphysical seed, dropped and sewn that day, (I guess what I am trying to say is): My girl my girl, don’t lie to me, oceans away your eyes can see, my bending sending light like this, in response to; the drone from your white laced lips. For the of lack of your treble and charge of your base, my “methadone”, White Light/White Heat, can take its place, anti-acidic mantra chi, surrounding me, a black dot in space. Divided by the curve encased, the metaphysical takes place. The fact that we’re in touch today, makes sirens blare and drones play, I’ll send this over right away, and then appropriately play, ‘beautiful face’ a newer way, I could elaborate for 3 straight days. Now what follows is what’s next on the fret board of your hex. It’s between, us; a fish out of net. So this will be all they get. ok here goes, ya, this is for the ladies in town I know that sounds weak but I blame the moons energy for you cute young women never being around when I finally spit the rhyme on solid ground, neway this is about you, you and the town where I choose, and choose to settle down instead of just stop swimming and drown, no more worries, no frowns, I’m gunna work it on out, cause I’m bound for the tides, not the sound, yea, ok, you know what I mean, yea k here I go, you ready? You steady? I stole the crown from the underground, I thought it would look nice with your gown, I’m upward bound so, are you down with my verbs and nouns? I don’t freestyle rap but this might as well be,flowin literally right now cause i come down hard with a sound that this new town including your highness have minds to breakdown, so get down breakdown, my chic mystique-psychologique will make you turn around and blush while your current boyfriends drunk on the ground cause he substitutes love with down, he doesn’t have an ear, genetically, to hear your siren sound for which I was born to kinetically harmonize, desensitize and heal your weary eyes. This is the treatment we need now ill even show you how, like a bow that goes up and down, helping us resonate these bloody strings, while the clipper ship sinks…… Sinks with the low tide.c’mon lets head home. The moons making my fire rise. That means soon it will be high tide, the ocean spray it stings my eyes, so let’s go inside, its morning time, look at color in the sky the sun is just about to rise. MY clipper ship’s on seas of rye. Empty bottles of scotch catch her in the eye. I’m not afraid of all those guys, they’re lucky they even have a sty. I’ve seen farms that would make you cry. These pale blue eyes are all but mine. And yours are like that brand of dye, that in our last summer together, we ALL tried, permanent like the purple in my mind’s eye or the in the dimly lit sky the night I officially died, all from a med, instead of one I took 10, benzodiazepines, all I wanted to do was compound the prescribed effect at the right dose they make a nervous wreck feel and appear normal so I took them, now I’m in debt, but only tried this cause u have me in check, ready to knock the crown off my head, make it your golden cauldron instead. You know I’m good with shocking steel and know how to forge blend anneal so this golden crown is probably real, and I assure u from the other room that it’s safe to use took a meal. Only cause it’s my deal I leave out the part about removing toxic alloys by melting steel, adding chemicals from the field and as the method never revealed used those same chemicals, that we all feel, all the time in our head to make tiny slow moving particles to turn make gold out of lead. So neways with confidence I said GO AHEAD! But I couldn’t lie to her, so I yelled from the other room, “u should know, that thing is gold but it use to be lead. She laughed, hesitated, placed the pewter cauldron on the stove instead and put the golden crown on her head. She finally walked down the hall and into her room where I was using dust pan and broom, she didn’t say nething, just got up on her bed which was shrouded with purple threads forgetting her glasses, still she picked up my book and read, I said here ill read aloud for you instead, within a few minutes of reading she started to turn red, the stove was on low so she got herself fed THAN served us both breakfast in bed. SUDDENLY I awake and see that we are parked at the end of a pier in some town in Quebec, I yell out stupidly from my stuper, WERE ON A PIER! She had good laugh about that occurrence on several occasions. but ya I took too many pills and was all sleepy on our road trip, all in all, yet again, I fed my head then lost all my cred, it being an accident, it made me sleep like the dead, that’s when I lost you, or you lost me, literally you looked everywhere and couldn’t find me, conscious or not, id soon figure id been stung by the bee, the most painful thing however, and my only memory was later that night when you were beside me, or was it he that got there before me, ok now I must stop and back up, the cheap words pouring from me, telling the details of this pathetic story it’s pissing me off, like losing the love of your life to a drug, and then officially to drugs plural, like 5 years of fucking up pretty much following this one night, the moment you realized you had lost the one girl, the one you compare every girlfriend you get ultimately fucking that up too, the one. its caused ache in whets left of my drug affected love starved blackened heart and caused my excellent poem to go right off the rails, so I’ll get on topic and ill even do it in rhyme, what inspires me to try to try, it’s the ache in my heart that is its key function now when I think of this girl and am reminded of the moment I lost her. ok here goes, regardless, we were in bed together, and from your sleepy head where your soul lies and you can never die, I heard your memories cry, and as I realized all the days I tried so hard to try but wouldn’t, couldn’t try and now I can’t cry is because I was always too shy in your unfulfilled eyes despite being my inspiration for the last 4 or 5 years of drugs and art with your recent if u can even call it that separation the focus intensifies about u and other girls like the sweet PortugueseIrish girl from the only psych ward I recommend at hotel diu in Kingston where I was actually treated properly (maybe cause it’s a catholic hospital, maybe cause I was so fucked up I appeared catatonic for days till this fox brought me down and romanced me for a month) she’s your competition….who contributed to my psychological cardiomyopathy however, a number of “the ones” but evenbefore that I was fucked up, I was the youngest psychiatric patient in Ontario or something, I learned how to smoke inside a smoking room in the shithole Scarborough grace when I was fifteen, I think I checked myself in hen I was twelve just to get away, that may have been what that asshole head of psychiatry was talking about. I also hit the highest highs, and the most demonic abysses of suicidal advanced psychotic depression, and took more abuse for it from nurses drs and the police, not to mention my family, but I still unconditionally love and am loved by my parents and grandparents, Jesus, I sacrificed my life and goals to save my families souls literally offed myself when I was 16 years old to end the devils elaborate foothold on me the people around the household appliances and machines, the behavior of living things the weather and the temperature of the room depending on my tortured state the only common theme is that others hurt and share it with me and my empathy kind of bounces back like an echo, I express and receive the grief while later, I only know this because when I fall, which I don’t do nemore thanks to medical science, its all about them.. but now this, she cried in her sleep and the only difference about these tears the ones that dried before her, is that the tears were for the two of us,not for being hurt but for me getting hurt and that hurt her, and it came out of her in a subconscious later state, kind of like me, this happened something like five years ago and it never gets old, ok , so here’s how THIS sad story goes; back to you, we were basically sleeping on the ground, I was tied up and bound, mothers little helper’s cheque bounced, I stupidly blame the devil in benzos but as of last Chinese new year I now denounce him, clonazepam is free from sin,(the cure), which I am resistant to so even though in the name of a better life I took 1/16th of an ounce I was still wide awake laying beside you, thinking only to myself about how I fucked up, it wasn’t even my own script at the time like u even need to know this it was a gift from the big Mc the tragically crip former editor in chief of legal manuscript, this bug makes the dj tick, and he made me, (sick) so (to this day I thank god for the count and amount per pill per day,,, throw your troubles away and pray that it was ok to stray from your holy bible, “psychology today”) So I was now bound for the pound, complete and total disgrace all around, from the moment u made that sound I knew our plans were going down that I would leave town, shoot smack and somehow return because YOU specifically gave the instruction to COME BACK! But things got whack I dropped out of school after taking philosophy which I passed, took drugs then relaxed let the nothing drone blare and move towards and away from the past managed to stay out of the psycho shack and somehow followed the chemical and psychological path out of the woods, fuck that was one long sidetrack, but it’s over, now, it took a year of wandering to end it but I did so…back before I initially left town your eye lids were down. I’d spent our whole friendship collectively letting you down by being ur favorite one in town and not responding in a way that could let us…. Fuck I was a clown,ever since I pulled a sigmen froid and used white to get off opiates it’s been renown but like the psychologist before me once declared, down (heroin) so satisfying in the right dose, has basically fulfilled their open ended prediction for the drugs future, in one shot like vaccine, the queen of all drugs, administered in the highest healthy dosage intravenously is the cure all found in Montreal, and then a deliberate clean cut from all non prescribed recreational narcotics, that is until the dreaded lady in white shows up on ur doorstep, I say let her in, and move away never to see her again, with the experience and satisfaction of the act of consuming heroin as your catalyst to change your life and only take clonazepam. So before all that we had a healthy friendship, it was doomed but I loved you so u kept me around and there was all sorts of ways we got down without ever fooling around except this time I discreetly describe further down when my phone ran out of batteries while you went to town , I thought I was a fuckin martyr because all id make u do is dance, that’s the gods truth so baaaack to me not being a creep, I geometrically see the opposing symmetrical verticy of our rhombus reveal its true ego as FUCKING TRAPAZOID when I hear your inner pain, I’m no hypnotist (yet) but u were zonked after a day of mosh pitting ultimately falling for the other guy, while I slept in the grass like an ASS. you let out a whimper in your sleep and two out of three of us knew, this chick is deep, from then on I took the title of weak, I had let my biological ancestors down with swords in their hands and in my hand your crown, and still I let you down, AND YOU STILL even tried several sexy and awkward times to make it happen and I let you down, u can tell a social disease when the same set of words are used multiple times to rhyme with other words that have that sound i.e. : I let you down. In that strange little town. It’s been well over a year and to end on a harmonious note after all this purple melancholy. I’m gunna say two words to you and they are not” “I do” It’sI’m sorry. I’m sorry lately for this poem, but mostly I’m sorry for not maturing into the man you thought I could be. I’m recovered from my early episodes now, took 16 years but I used the gear to properly hear and respond without fear, if only I did this within the time frame we had, Now were both sad. And I don’t wanna upset u, ur glowie or ur boyfriend or neone else, soo I’m gunna play a song, it’s called : one thing that keeps this black heart beating””(referring to my heart: that “upturned bass drum” The thing that keeps it beating is the dissonant and strangely beautiful siren song that echoes in my mind as the inspiration, “love” and the knowledge that one can be loved and in my case always, I only philosophies with the partial use of solid evidence that I have been loved by the one I love therefore at and for that moment(pretty much after the momentmy phone died, after 30 seconds of reading trainpotting aloud, there was a subconscious subjective foggy notion that was there to be discovered by the psyche, at this moment I can prove using circumstantial evidence and truth know by both partied involved, the dependant factor being me loving her forever, and the independent factor her being a single indecisive woman looking for a man who will love her forever combining to make a positive chemical and physical reaction, that is the fundamental tradition that is the goal of all living things on this plant and its most evolutionary form of it is when it’s “Love based” one giving the other what its most in need of and deprived of, the others love, not the love of a friend, but physical experiments that are love based, expressing love on not necessarily a physical level (like if ur on the phone or sumthing)but specifically a sexual level. The compounding factors that result in reactions happenings crescendos babies,, are when the energy isn’t circular but moves in one direction, when the one party is starved, and the other has a wealth, and the act of giving not just what the yearning needs, but what he wants, when the desired with all her wealth, imparts her secret harbored denied expression love though tradional reproduction based activities, that friendship goes from “limbo” into action, even for a moment, through technology that alerts the senses, in this case hearing, whether the deprived is even present or physically participating, isn’t the point the point is that the foggy notion of true love was expressed transmitted in a traditional and pivotal form, even though I picked up the transmission through one sense, my ability to hear, the value of those vibrations, though lo-fi and misinterpreted until the last few seconds before the line went dead the compounding nature of the universe is seen between you and me, me and the chemicals and elements the acid the love that is positively charged by me and only me, in this battery regardless of proximity my charge is still the key, literally loving you moved energy directly making me alternately free but obviously reflects its imperfections symmetrically and quite similarly to your perfect face and body only introspectively and this thing I call negativity you existentially use to control and manipulate me by means of electrical currents like a shark in the sea, but the ocean currents in our world somehow moved me so far we couldn’t be but as the drone turns up the heat as chemists cure insanity, inevitably the duality of the friendship followed the trail right back to me, from the beach into the city, while metaphysical acid rain fell on her black umbrella, drops of synthetic nightshade provided a ground and a side effect equaled a perfectly balanced sound resembling a circuit around my neck and down to the nervous wreck, I stand and smoke out on the deck, and remember that was how we met I stop, wait my energies charge self provides, enough energy to survive, with my new social activity the acid, charge, size, speed and proximity and the voltage of the current and relativity. My positively charged abilities that betray the moon like your fertility, a simple circuit can’t explain the lovesick emotional pain still forming drops of acid rain only strengthening my brain, its time I have to get reactive, send this to her radically brilliant highly attractive yet negatively charged mind where chemicals of another kind will get inspired as she reads about batteries and his energy (that she secretly lovingly keeps rightfully under her locks and key with her sharp mind and memory should recall the flattery, the almost dead battery, poetic license and mad hattery finally gets me through the matter we, lost all sense of pattern, see, the point was electricity, and keyboards I would never see, played like a former prodigy, with drones that resonate with me just barely metaphysically, through my sleep deprived behavior induced heightened state, I’ve always been able to wait, epiphanies sometimes come too late, but revelations give me faith that your negative mind and my positive state, memories of how u altered fate, I know threes more to come but wait, don’t get offended by my state , my batteries dead so save the date, remember wiser things I’ve depictions finished in your head, an electrician would have briefly said, what took me hours, in ten minutes u will have read, I must finish without my meds, they knock me out, blow to the head, I’ll miss away you time instead, that lilliad inside your mind….it’s way too late you’re so unkind, but one important thing u need, to know I know u love to read, do not read too much to your seed, it makes a flower yer indeed, with pain killing power guaranteed, but this makes a subconscious need to find a source for output feed, destined to be completely freed ad finally have the urge to read, its therapy apparently, the experiment of reading aloud and they drift off on angels clouds, you think their gunna make you proud, well brace yourself, speakers are loud, they developed and were well endowed, language and its mystic power it not to be strewn on the flowers, this is my dependant variable, the words the use on me were terrible, a bird a seed knowledge unbearable, though every word is understandable, hypnotic methods subconscious dependable, lovely developmental psychology is the cause of my constant source of energy what I was born to do was reap, infinite knowledge in my sleep a steady drone of literature, I’m older now administer reality and life in place of shame rejection and disgrace, aside from my abilities that serve me independently, instinct survival evolution, speed all factors meant to help me breed, but would you read that to your seed, your surly growing potent weed, I’m not a normal human being I spend time speaking hearing seeing, proving while your disagreeing now the sheep are all fleeing, my purpose hear is slowly weaning I’m a negative source of positive energy, that means nothing drones glowies and friends that are enemies, all that I needs a path and an receiver, a sound to ride on, subwoofer and tweeters, it’s the music u shared with me that keeps me going The proof that our signal reached desired objectives, was clear to my ear which contained an elective, my minds using psychology to be less selective, behavioral science removes the block painlessly love, loss and malpractice grew my circuitry aimlessly, evolving survival instincts team with nature, my chemical background makes life like a phase, the instincts resulting are acute like a razor and amplified abilities through manipulating manipulative chemicals without wavers, resulting in behavior that can reach and amaze her… the extent of the damage is to be overlooked, by using knowledge and memory or reading a book design and time weren’t key features its transference of whines from student to teacher, let me out of detention you feminine creature ill read aloud it’s the right way to reach her, the demand and supply was shot at the sky and with lasers for eyes that reflect off her kind I was surprised to find that in no time I heard her wine, go out of her mind, and through her elective design I read junkie sublime and the fidelity was just fine for my desensitized mind. Literally proving her love up against my undying lazerlove therefore, proving that from that moment in time It was (now literally) one(the one) and another(me) falling “in love “officially identified by the subjective and objective forms that equal true love, for a time, which in rhyme and time I now feel it was divine, it’s began and ended in one harmonious line (in a Scottish accent no less) and buried in our minds getting weaker over time the signal is dying the whine and her trying has kept me flying farther away for lack of a sign that she was officially mine, but my nose it did grind on the stone learning life through the drone all on my own stealing crowns off of thrones, almost completely destroying my home, getting dipped in chrome, and then ground to the bone,, but that’s ok now because I how I know, I made her come through a phone, I’ve reaped what id sewn, now I am grown, with skills to hone no more wearing a cone, from the unknown to the known heralded by the morningdrone which is an inaudible tone interacting metaphysical rods and cones in my everlasting home among milestones made of greymatter behind bone in the form of the intangible moan that has royalties owned by the one xylophone a tone so foreign and feminine it may be that of a banshee or crone, the soil of my subconscious, is where I’ve been instructed and shown but my chance was blown there already something growin that knows the suns light is shown, now I’m alone, why did I buy that bus ticket when I could have flown. Another way of iterating this love story is an s follows introduction, obstruction instruction, induction, seduction production reduction destruction I’m trying to link two portions of this production, causing a reaction like a light turning on send notification from yin to yang (2 great friends of the opposite sex ultimately consummating their union in the way nature wanted it to be) but for us it was highly evolved in that even over the lo-fi filter of cell phones she was sending her love, whether she got off or not that id like ton know, but,, I got the drone of her during, (which if I’m not wrong is typically the main attraction for most women, their anatomy makes for a better “during” in her case conveniently, I’ll admit, without my flawed physical presence, I’m sure she didn’t just give up when my phone ran out of batteries, she was by the banks of her own lagoon, , the stimuli for me, the understanding an witnessing this correlative reaction, correlative because based on all the evidence, the great friendship which was WE were In Love,,,, that passes by my standard and I’m a philosophy grad, this Idea of me and this one girl being in love ISNT EVEN PRAGMATIC like most of my theories, the ONLY thing that get in the way of it being classified as nething between us other than, well I’m afraid to word it frankly because it makes y philosophy look dumb, the only factor threatening this TRUTH, this explainable objective form, is.. the time frame, the setting and the timing of the whole ordeal, my argument is that my reserved intense devotion that was pretty much spellbound, was appropriately (although delicately and let’s say modernly)relieved back to square one, literally and true even though it’s in the days ahead, metaphysic means dead.\\ I’m pretty lonely, so I make allot of art these days, like so; since she left me for dead and we both had left town, with thoughts of her crying asleep on the ground, my mind plays a drone, just to keep the pain down, it’s the girls very essence, oh to hear those pipes sound, if I was there this reel could have burned her house down, But our minds were both trying, Scottish lyrics I had, her bagpipes were sighing, and droning like mad, even though I was dying to get under her plaid, her fingers were flying and the lyrics were “rad the sound of her drones blared through the aero phones, I had broken a string and the bow had no rozen, but her body remembered what she had forgotten, string breaking caused her heat up and harden, this dissonant silence was her chance to depart from his flaws and his jigs and his odds and his rigs and ivy wrapped wand honey drippin upon this Venus in tartan who gushed forth the art of his masculine heart, the yin joins the yang and d string goes twang, The key that she played in was the string that I broke;I awoke in a doria mile off the coast. I swear by the sword of Ulysses and QueenMary’s crown you can’t quiet this siren when she fools around. Sending me to the moon and abyss on her sound It’s siren heart drone and that’s written in stone like I said, STELLAR, and you can TELLHER, most likely shell be a be a BETTER SPELLER, most likely ull say THE WORST THING EVER cause you’re a BULLSHIT SELLER, wave got mutual friends that FLOCK TOGETHER, social cannibals up shit creek FOREVER “sharp fanged teeth sheep” identified by Brethr in touch with friends of mine with FEATHERS, who govern karma AND THE WEATHER harmonizing OUR ENDEVOUR dissonance and TAKING PLEASURE in currents charged “+”, sea vessel PROPELLERS droning on for OH SWEET NEVER, nothing “like” inevitably BETTER the next “day, mon” frère, myself sharply dressed, a new pair of ‘GO GETTERS’ high, but fly, “the local YELLER” inscribes, as I dictate the true, (and prescribed), (in “”blood)-”LETER”! …BUY LETTER!”technique””’s psychology thesis of persuasion,-through love cure for; pain from shame stemming from taking the blame for the psychopaths that are perfectly sane who corporally, “embodying hells flames, wicked games to derange, the use of tools to cause pain, so the hands free to gain more control without shame ….and words that confuse and lead them in. vein cutting through lies and psychosomatic pain” making it rain your blood to put out the flames, an empty vessel that openly claims he righteously bears the right to OFFSET karma in his favorite time double negatives stuck on rewind with the fist or the tool of thing without mind, just current flowing into itself sustaining itself by shackling you with a voice that speaks truths that the vessel and devil greedily use to ultimately abduct you consume love your subconscious would refuse to give, to lose, so you wind kicking yourself while he rips on your soul defacing and displacing what’s left of you, what set you apart from a caved in shoe who’s uneven because the others got two, souls are unbreakable but if he breaks you, ill have the words the voice and the truth, the vessel in which to put soul into you, love and affection reflecting on you a new pair of shoes and so basically you feeling loved and in good mood no longer producing that parasite food, by walking and talking, souls in your shoes, while my bare feet support prescribed truth, a chemical network of mes and you ultimately held together with glue your love is the only way I can get through my psychological problems of which I have used to heat cook and serve us both food they drive me to supplementing love with miscues, attempts to draw a good picture of shoes, that drawn the attention of someone like you, or someone who offers a love I can’t refuse, because it me who also has many a bruise, the glue the chemical I trust and I use are prescribed and administered with bruit force and tools, leaving the chemically gifted unloved and unused and undone on the run with the songs you have sung, giving u satisfaction, and leaving u hung out to dry by the sick and the dumb, and the one, that u can give a gift to, is the only way we can say I love you and the fact that we are is what makes it true now I can scrape this shit right off your shoe, here goes, gimme my cloths my cigarettes prescribed glue, a roof over my head a bed and you, and then maybe I’ll start wearing shoes, here’s my complex singing the blues, from my effort unsatisfied underground nothingdrones too, its letting go and walking away from it to choose to lose, this is therapy now I need to go, you know it and I got the show on the road I’mtired and now am holding a rose, I’m loosing my grip on the following code,I’ll let the field talke care I m old, its time to end thiflodi broke the mouldand me with my everything about the shoe, its maker your sou out your soul leaving with bound by psychosocial with day moon SETTERS. home made psychopath GET ER, and lose her to a knitted SWEATER meant to the and if shit hits the fan in my house you become a fuckin CAVE DWELLER you officially for me heralded the dawn of freed energy so metaphysical seed dropped and sewn that day I guess what I a tying to say is seroquel can kill the day and lithium when charged can phase can kill your kidney and your craze over sirens who’ve been underground their perfect face and al around static in the air and sound of talismans and something foud induction tells you write this down what she conducts may flood the town, and this guythatts on the other line isn’t he a project of mine, sais nurse so cute and fine that flirt with my bipolar mind could his stimuli be cut, (if my nurse heard that shed bust my nut the think I’m guna get more worse nuclear winters parallel universe but bipolar ppls irony ill crack the joke an ice your nuclear explosion twice a day while I’m away leading weak dicks astray but giving your negative drones away the moans that I’m familiar with the point is I’m sick, was born with antennae metaphic that can even change channels like sappic girl on girl to girl on me altering duality and that what I get for free cable metaphysically so u better charge your battery, start the car pray she needs a guy with speed, instead of the duality of loving and love being received define love for me because lm low on batteries, finally the irony iron like steel I’m not even funny she gave me a drone that carried me home plate metal armor still that suckers dethroned all because of the ironic poem guaranteed to call my home circuitry and sacred tones, hooked up to my broke dying alone charge that she hears in my voice instinct are what’s the driving force to be my Venus in furs of course striking my eardrums while art of a new form could cure my heart, when deprivation and avant-garde combine to make things into art the the thing that makes drones stop and start my wordsandfingers take a form that independently grows horns, what an art to harmonize your frequencies with, smart, you dirty little butter tart you were supposed to cure my heart at least u got it throughtome you rising storm makes my anteenae start to channel lo-fi forms a and v imnow starting to clearly see I got to hear pure femininity express its love physically, while the ironic truth is easy to see, that my talisman masxulinity had no hand in physically and so my strengths like mediocrity, thisescwe took a short boat that sent out a masculine frequency that was enough to ride that came through the airwaves only a dined, to start your engines, and the elements it’s the charge that ironically subjectively means of a whim of a, separating you from me and that despite ur reaction objective by only induction by the ma lonely ur still a part of me, like the wasted energy of a missing battery that from within bears a charge, that was meant to be, the high voltage current, of hot energy. wat a grT TRIP THIS IS, ALTHOUGH ONG AND UNCOMFORTABLE AT LES I STILL HAVE ROCK AND ROLL AND BY DIVINE TIMING WE TOO A STROLL ADNTALKED A LITTLE THATS MY GOAL AND NOTHING DRONES AND HEAVY STONES WERE LEVITATED WITH THE MOAN OF SIRENSS BUT YOUR NOT A PHONE AND NO SUPRIZE CANT LEAVE ALONE OW I THRIV OFF DIAL TONED CAUSE IM DEPENDANT ON YOU STONE THE TALISMAN YOU CALL MY HHOME AND THAT TIE YOU CALLED ME ON THE PHON YOU WERE IN MY HEAD SAFE IN YOUR HOME BAD TIMING AND A HEAVY TONE BATTERIES DEAD: NOW WERE NOTHING DRONES…………………………………………………………….. thisescwe took a short boat that sent out a masculin frequency that was enough toride that came through the airwaves only a denied, to start your engines, and the elements it’s the charge that ironically subjective by means of a whim of a, separating you from me and that despite urreaction objective by only induction by the ma lonely Seroquel can ‘kill. The day’, and lithium (when charged) can phase, can kill your kidneys and your ‘“crazy” laser ray’s perspective.’ Meant for sirens, waves, underground stalactites, space, and drops of acid rain onto your base. Meant to cauterize with time and phase the straight; your sex, the Vikings take, and that edge they use to reap and waste. ((their secret way through; to slice through the glazed over passageway, that freezes waves of blood they made. Turned to crimson ice seen by my red hot rays, melt into salty ocean sprays) Then not so far away at night I kill the day and reap twilight, my heat turns from red to white like scars that weep acid rain despite my efforts, however insane, you do this over and over again) Relief; from emotional THEN/BY physical pain. In that order, we’re both deranged. here goes, gimme my cloths my cigarettes prescribed glue, a roof over my head a bed and you, and then maybe I’ll start wearing shoes, here’s my complex singin the blues, from my effort unsatisfied underground nothingdrones, its letting go and walking away from it to choose to lose, this is therapy now I need to go, you know it and I got the show on the road I’m tired and now am holding a rose, I’m loosing my grip on the following code, It’s meant for: a couple; of different: ppl 1 knø james ((pérsunµli); ‘(urThInKn èù¹d “Like¹¹ i+ Th0µGh))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ) — ¹o-² øس=FOUR!!!!!!!!²O_O³⁴!! (0_0)T0o?O_o)❤µ¼FOR¼ldd.”( þ+¹na!’(LOL!)?,X&Y” =ø(þ iN þÉd àvèç¹<>³µ)/(µø+þ²)ùþ³@ — ¹²³¹²³¹²³¹²³ James McFarlane•

Ideas About mental Illness — James McFarlane Here’s my theory on paranoia. (Usually considered a negative symptom of psychosis) It can help gather information or misinform those who experience it. Even in wellness it is always potentially present in all of us. It’s a survival instinct. It makes us more attentive. My unique experience and understanding is when paranoia and other symptoms are present, heightened and amplified alertness to important information perceived by the senses is collected and whatever data is missing the brain either fills it in with logical thought or logical hallucination in some cases. I will further iterate this several ways for you to better grasp it. For most people there is so much excess data you wind up believing a falsity. Simple logic should let you know best which is most accurate among the extra data collected by suspicion, inner thoughts and hallucination ultimately fitting like Lego into the fractured “factual” data perceived. I believe mostly it is our internal sense of logic that is used to make hallucinations like dreams that appear similar to our regular reality. It is your sense of logic that determines how accurate the thought or hallucination might be compared to reality. It is hard to determine between reality and hallucination because hallucination adheres to reality. But if you can detect like in a lucid dream (aware of being in a dream) that it’s a hallucination you’re ok. It’s not that difficult to determine what thought or hallucination fits if you’re experiencing (or expecting) allot of symptoms having an automatic thought process that simplifies things by showing the most accurate possibility alone to the individual by involuntary thoughts and possibly hallucination. This can be a more accurate depiction of what’s not reachable by the actual senses. The point or idea is that hallucinations and involuntary thoughts mimic reality as best they can, so, they can be used to determine what is beyond our senses reach either corresponding with the senses themselves (hallucination) or through mind talk (which is the method that most mimics what we call telepathy and is much more controlled and has less effect on your behaviour and environment than hallucination). This mind talk or “intrusive thoughts” can be our sense of logic. It’s our sense of what’s real that makes up our involuntary thoughts and hallucinations so they’re may be an ounce or two of truth in them even though they aren’t real they can be identical ideas to what is really there. This is to be used for those who can’t see or hear what are out of reach of their senses like sonar or radar and further aid those who have and impairment or just want to experiment with extending their senses. This only applies to the unwell. Like I have said amphetamine could mimic the hypomanic state in regular people perhaps. This could be a tool for treating a range of mental disorders. Depression, lack of communication in certain critical mental conditions.(Alzheimer’s etc.) It’s not just guessing at involuntary thoughts and hallucinations, the tool combines accurate and distorted data collected by the senses. This extends the senses that help us try to understand. (Only some of us may have this as a mental pattern). You may be calling this a delusion well I call a delusion an idea. And remember, an idea can make the body including the brain do interesting things. Mono ideo dynamics Determining what’s real and what’s not isn’t a problem here, you know what’s a thought and an actual sound or hallucination when this is occurring so if they combine to make a more accurate awareness with good results than it doesn’t matter whether it’ telepathy or a mental tool isolated to the mind its generating data for the individual I assure you. Collecting data even from other people’s minds is definitely a factor in this theory (it’s a tangent but it’s important.) Involuntary thought is inner thought that appears to be info coming from an obvious source or other person. This is when the argument for delusion is most appropriate. Telepathy is a possible conclusion in the case of mind chatter or involuntary or external thoughts unlike ‘sense extension’ which is a potential tool involving similar aspects but also the actual environment. The mind to mind thing doesn’t involve physical reality like the sense extension theory which involves hearing and assuming all five senses if you were sick enough could improve the perception of our environment by way of hallucination corresponding with the senses, verses logical lingual additions to your line of thought (involuntary thoughts) which can be thought alone (mind talk) This opens a window to hybrid hearing combining involuntary thought with semi audible data, this was my first discovery and personal experience along the line of useful mental activity. So I would call it all external or involuntary mental data. The reason I included the telepathy as idea in this was because sense extension which may be provable is using the same material our thoughts are made of suggesting that the other ideas are worth experimenting with. I suggest mental information can be projected into the metaphysical reality affectively by a person just like shouting a person’s name. This is blatantly how it works from my perspective. What we imagine goes out into the air and some of us are there to hear it within our thoughts; mind chatter. Talking to yourself in your head as well as other transmissions or incoming additions. Not something we do all the time. Some people rarely do it or experience it. These are introspective expressions nevertheless they are the fabric of what sense extension involves. So if sense extension, (because it uses the senses, reality and hallucination/involuntary thought) can be tested and valuable info is collected from those tests, because of its use of involuntary thoughts which mimics telepathy, it could help prove or add merit to the idea of telepathy and its other explanations that are as follows. Proving telepathy involves seeing how things like sense extension is in the same weave as actual things we use or experience like thought, mental chatter, hallucination, dreams. This part of the universe is becoming objective when using a hybrid or functional form to better understand our surroundings. Just believing in these functions and experiencing them improves your regular perception and observational skills. These are hybrid metaphysical tools for perceiving your surroundings by use of hallucination and or thought and actual fractured data picked up by the senses. I tackle this mind chatter idea more so because it’s a solid symptom that doesn’t fail, like hallucination often does. Thoughts in the form of language coming from people around you or your multipersonalitied conscience is a good thing as long as it’s a good thing. When it no longer is in the range of being able to be used as a tool, these thoughts can be turned off or turned on by meds and belief or disbelief in the idea. But when it’s happening properly, like in hypomania, it does act as an aid in awareness of what’s most likely going on in other people’s thoughts. It informs you of the most likely thought usually in relation to you, aiding you every time by making you aware of something you didn’t know before. Word for word telepathy is a miracle, mental chatter that informs you of what’s most accurately going on in other people’s heads by way of involuntary lingual statements in the mind is not. It’s worth investigating, it’s a gift that has never led me to harm, only understanding. The fact that it’s in your head makes it a passive process where you have the option of responding or not, verbally or mentally if you’re a believer in telepathy. You can have communications, often in the form of mental lingual impressions from people around you, as long as their chattering in their heads. More often they respond verbally or through body language. (This could be also called a thought related delusion, and it probably is) Like sense extension it helps figure out without effort what’s most likely going on somewhere else but this involves getting a mental impression of what’s going on in someone else’s head and apparently only if It’s about you or directed to you, mostly. Telepathy and sense extension go hand in hand. What’s real and usable and what’s a symptom may need to be looked over and not just thrown in the isolation chamber. Mind chatter and thought insertion are two different things I think. Thought insertion means you think someone or something else is in your head and it is overwhelming. Mind chatter or “telepathy” follows a pattern of logic that is more precise than your own usually, it follows a rule, I am certain of it. That’s why it’s better to use cause it’s your intuition delivered lingualy. Thought insertion is like having someone else in control, whereas mind chatter is somewhat under control and mostly in your control as you are the experienced one. Involuntary thoughts (other people’s voices) could be telepathy and if it follows such a dynamic and structured law it should not be called thought insertion. Sense extension is something more practical and objective than telepathy type thinking, but it is untested and like I said, I deal with mind talk even when I am well and it is always accurate and helpful. The idea of partly using data from the peripheries of our trusted senses shows that these elements are not to be underrated or mislabelled. The fact that we can only see farther stars in the sky by looking off to the side is a great example of use of the peripheries of our senses. Similar is my experience of seeing peoples more true emotions on their faces when using peripheral vision. Is esp or just one example of a passive and informative hallucination? Let us not throw aside my interpretation of the experience of useful and unique mental activity by giving it the unattractive label of thought insertion when the fundamentals of these ideas may be useful for inventing evolution like tools to reach out into parts of the universe we have not yet studied. Distorted senses combined with an inherent logical thought process that is accurate if not pragmatic I my experience in every case. This could be an opportunity to reopen the study of parapsychology. (The fact that these are just an accurate perception mechanism is good enough). To reveal this delusion, we’ll assume all this is still only going on in one’s active imagination. However using a pattern of brain activity that mimics telepathy as a tool to read his/her environment better is cool; the only difference this has to sense extension is that there is no real life data involved. This in my opinion makes it the most commonly used and confronted with, solid, and most effective tool I deal with. (even when well) There are practices like muscle reading which is getting data through seeing a person’s movement that are examples of a semi proven method that mimic things like telepathy. I propose mental activities that are involuntary and positive like some of the symptoms of a mental illness, could be used as a link between what we see as dysfunctional mental activity and a breakthrough into the endeavour to prove that thoughts are part of our dynamic world as a form and can be used as a medical or social tool. This mental activity in serious cases of unwellness can alter the way we operate, not just the way we think. Paranoia could take over and it could be false data, and the repercussions could crescendo. In their reality and in reality itself. I say listening to your thoughts (whatever form they take) and interpreting them, it’s safer than experimenting with hallucination because mind chatter can be a factor in hypomania and in wellness. Only in the case of hallucination being used in a controlled environment with positive energy being present, for instance with a schizophrenic, they can be very well while hallucinations are still present. If in that state the hallucination tends follow what the senses are trying to perceive and use a situation like the sense extension experiment involving hallucination and obstructed hearing it may prove to be a good tool/idea possibly for aiding the hearing impaired in this situation or a similar situation that works. It could work because it could fill in more data where it was lacking and it may inherently be attempting to be accurate. This attempt is evident in other mental processes mentioned here. In the case of experimenting with this type of thing never should you be depressed manic, psychotic or over whelmed with psychological issues. If you are in an unwell state seek help, but be open to the new ideas that may present themselves to you. Know that the brain is elastic and does heal. The hippocampus and you are always growing. If it’s suggesting that its telepathy aiding us and guiding us that makes you sceptical I’m not going to just drop it. Be pragmatic and get a bit more insight into how it worked for me. First off, all that makes it telepathy as I’ve said is that it only involves thought. One thing that suggests that it is a thought from another source is the amount of unusable but accurate information that comes along with these seemingly incoming transmissions. It behaves like a mental environment that doesn’t involve just you; the metaphysical plain. You mostly hear in your thoughts what applies to you from those around you but there is other mental exclamations at times coming from different sources for different destinations, or in most cases mental exclamations just for themselves. Also getting an involuntary thought of apparently what is being said somewhere completely out of reach of the senses is a factor here. This is bigger than the structure of telepathy. If you are being talked about in the other room the brain informs you of it and who is saying it, this is clearly a survival instinct to gain intelligence of what may be out there and what most likely is, this type of sense may be evidently seen and utilized more by animals than humans. Probably because of the invention of language, putting the sense in recession. These ideas suggest that the metephysical plain is not just in my head but is there for everybody (and that privacy may be an issue.) The experienced and well user of the mental functions could actually receive and send out positive and effective transmissions with a ripple effect, real or not. (for what it’s worth, even to gain confidence and boost chemicals, respond and react accordingly to these transmissions and you’ll find it fits and improves your presence and role in the situation, that’s my experience) while the sick are just spiralling and not even communicating because their usually using negative or confusing behaviour or energy. What’s also evident of its existence is the obviousness the transmissions go both ways. I’m not just getting your impression of me in my thoughts; it’s obvious you’re getting mine. Its conjoint mental activity. It involves everyone but I think it requires a guide. If these are just symptoms, they rarely intensify and do dissipate more or less with wellness. I say if it’s not the metaphysical plain it’s at least explained by two minds appearing to correspond by (often coincidentally) one playing out the others activity as accurately as it can within the mind. This as a law would be evident enough to prove telepathy. I see a constant pattern in when the transmitters communicate, that they are thinking that thought and responding to one another (seen though body language and verbal responses. That’s telepathy like activity rationalised. It’s not always word for word because often I ask and they say no I did not think those words. Apparently it’s a mental impression of yourself delivered in the form of verbal thoughts or inaudible expressions from other people in the vicinity or elsewhere. Finally the hybrid hearing idea.The most effective and safe of the ideas here. (Thought and hearing mixed) It would be hard to disprove because of a lack of qualified candidates and the scenarios required. The hybrid hearing idea like I’ve said is not activity isolated only to thought, but the idea that involves using factual data and the imaginary simultaneously. Sense extension without hallucination. Deciphering between actual sense and involuntary thought is easy, you know what you hear and what you think, they become conjoint in some mental states indicating that the possibility of an extension “fill in the blacks” scenario. Know that this involves either an overactive imagination. The logical involuntary lingual thought mental activity combined with the brains attempt to hear the less audible is a marriage that could create the extension of the impaired or out of reach sense (hearing in this case) What I propose is happening here may be hearing the bass of a conversation because bass carries farther, and your mind places the other frequencies (treble) in the form of an involuntary imaginary sound. I suggest this is too intricate and accurate to be delusion. To actually be aware of the volume according to the distance or nature of the info that comes from not the unknown but an obvious source is evident of that intricacy. The psychotic skills talked about here are among the skills we’re all born with. All humans are capable of psychosis. Which is the foundation of these things. I just find mania to be safe, similar and more of an advantage. Our brains and beings all have an inner need and desire to figure out what is reality. Even when that reality is obstructed, it uses other means to get around to perceiving the world correctly. This line of thought has the potential to be a step forward in changing others view of these symptoms. To suggest that they are meant to be enhance to our advantage, not abolished; this is the stuff of change at an evolutionary level because as I said earlier it does involve everybody and anybody. The Chemically Endowed / THE HEALTH SYSTEM James McFarlane June 1st, 2016 Mania is the increasing of one’s “reward” chemicals in the brain chronically (a symptom of Bipolar). A fact about mania is that it is not so often as out of control as we are tempted to assume. We don’t know the limits it can push positive wise. A negative aspect is surely something that we have seen occasionally. An example could be a world leader like Alexander the great. On the positive side of it are people like Van Gough and many other artists, teachers and authors. Making tireless efforts at just causes inspired by epiphany is just one of the activities a bipolar individual has the option of pursuing. (Sometimes with phenomenal results) This can be a positive activity of the broad ranged individual. Mania is an abundant source of potential positive energy. The mythical Greek god Dionysus has been called the god of mania. He partied allot and was the estranged son of Zeus. There were cults formed in his honor and the remanence of them still exist today as a common and highly manipulated, manipulative tradition known as the entertainment industry. Antianxietys, antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilizers; drugs that (have attributes that researchers have neglected to even identify) help and plague the bipolar individual as the most commonly used tool to ward off symptoms. In some cases, recreational drugs like amphetamine ((that seem to force up the mood of an individual) among drugs that are normally oriented with unwellness)) I suggest, could be a surprising aid in speeding up the recovery process of depression (the opposing symptom in bipolar to mania which have psychosis as a common theme at the peripheries of both poles of experience) through cognitive stimulation. This is important because antidepressants take several weeks to take effect and suicide could be prevented by the induction of a more open approach to medical uses of recreational drugs. This activity should be combined with social interaction in the case of recovery because it surrounds the recovery of the social aspects of the self (I do not recommend this as the first option for a recovery process). Like most drugs this behavior may take years off the recovery process but could wind up taking years off your life. If closely watched and tested the medicinal benefits of illegal or unreaserched drugs as well as further data released on drugs in general and their common circumstances may be a great stride in the remedy of mental, psychological conditions and social misconceptions which solutions are still being put off by ignorance of the populous and adverse political agendas. Other treatment options not listed above include electroshock therapy and psychical exercises like cognitive behavioural therapy. These alternatives are used less most likely because pharmaceuticals are a huge part of controlling the populous and funding corporations and government. However, a regimented combination of any of these factors could be a breakthrough for some. Called “consumers” by people that work in the pharmaceutical industry, these human beings endowed with seemingly new chemicular behaviors have a heavy cross to bear. I believe that it is obviously possible that over half the population (just to be fair) are born chemically inclined, but forced under the heel of the majority of the others who are from my perspective, psychologically twisted by ignorance, power over the sick, and unjustified behaviour based (((most likely (just to be fair) for some, subconsciously))) on either inherent or just blatant jealousy. I say this because the majority of people in a position of dominance in our society, (security guards, nurses, the police, doctors what have you) are brutally unfair, unprofessional, and ignorant in most cases. This attitude fuels the biggest and oldest and crudest intolerance ever committed by one group against its own people. The mentally endowed verses the psychologically twisted and everyone in between or strung along is the latest and oldest injustice I can see other than the genocide of the shamanistic cultures of north and south America. The most obviously funded sick lack of justice and care for their own counterpart (ever challenged till present day) by a government is currently at hand. It’s a matter of time and interest among corporations. Their need for money will guarantee that the proper drugs will be the end of this problem. Their survival as a business is the only co-dependent factor for the cause. Once the sick become well, ((the inevitable outcome (already achieved)) the drugs will be reinvented a few times ultimately plateauing as a renewable idea by these scientific salesman and their evil subordinates running the place like some kind of sick joke to themselves. Those who wield tools and permission to inflict pain, bondage and any form of abuse they find delectable simply to put off paperwork (and sooth their own often nocturnal boredom) only assigned to be used in the inevitable malpractice suits soon to be ensued by the just with the just against the corrupt. With blunt force and jealousy against their only threat and reliable witness to the sick twisted 24 hour a day fetish of legally and illegally taking the rights and freedoms and everything that makes life desirable from the ill to make way for a prolonged treatment of abuse and betrayal from the psychologically bent nurses and security guards, doctors, police not to forget your everyday sociopath / psychopath walking the streets and perverting the direction and attention of the staff and patients of mental health wings across the country (Canada). Folks like these who lack the basic right and wrong skills, used obviously and openly by the sick and the meek to inevitably over throw the ranks of sociopaths and psychopaths governing, misusing and perverting the writing of history. All of their efforts put into this “note taking” endeavour to be rewarded with indulgence into the sick pleasures of a dysfunctional beauracracy and political disgrace to be. As for the sick, (and well) the neglect of one’s health and deterioration of relationships is often inevitable during episodes and when being forced against such characters mentioned above. These new victims often leaving the institution with their own newly afflicted psychological scars. This is understandable considering how different and under informed the external world and the unbalanced individual usually are. The unwell individual tends to get overwhelmed with heightened and distorted perception, and the outside worlds clashes with their reality. Inevitably against their will, (usually after lots of experience) and sadly, many forms of legalized abuse from the system that seems to be above all law, they become accustomed to the system and more knowledgeable about medication. This is the only way I’ve seen someone become well, for longer. It’s important to channel the knowledge from their experience into productive endeavours. This is the exceptional goal. Chemicals are a big part of the inclined individual’s life (Pharmaceutical, natural and usually recreational). Often enough a well-balanced person emerges but the fight against unwellness and addiction is ongoing for many. Even once well, the psychological challenges of adjusting to life can set in. Thankfully this is also treatable either with anxiety medicine or therapy (or in the case of the Canadian health system, prolonged and tormenting hospital stays crudely striped with prolonged bondage and isolation chambers. Psychology being the completely unfunded and rightful alternative. Wellness comes with time and knowledge as well as trial and error. The potential experience for these individuals is more than the average prescription. Logically and philosophically looking at these problems is key to understanding them. Stigma; it’s a thing like racism that is rampant in every culture today but especially in western culture apparently. A mild example of stigma is using a negative label or misconception such as “split personality” or “psycho”. These are words attached to now folklore, lies and misunderstanding so this ignorance is apparently the first thing to go. In the case of bipolars, it is often amplified social ability versus depression or other emotional states that is confused with complete loss of judgement. Schizophrenics seem to have an even keel in terms of personality in most cases. I know there is no mood disorder but full on hallucinations. This could be due to an unexplained increased constant source of dopamine in their system I suggest gets used to produce complex distractions that could be used to their own advantage, like poetry etc.. (Unproven connection) The biggest problem is the assumption our government and citizens have; that the mentally ill are violent. This ultimately subjects us to being treated like escaped zoo animals by every authority figure you can think of. This is how they legally get us into straps; the word violent. This word can be used in ways it shouldn’t which is often the case. Once declared violent and mentally ill you’re bound for a living hell most likely for quite some time. All the ugly side effects of the system itself leave you psychologically damaged. You get a fate worse than prison by far, especially if you’re rebellious. I have rarely if ever have seen an act of violence towards another from a person that lives in a society that has them already sedated, and threatened by fearful ignorant authority figures with shackles, tasers, injections and cruelty in general at the ready. I’ve mostly seen vigilance or peaceful protest in those in an unwell state, simply because they have the logic to see what they’re up against. We’ve seen this all our lives. Even those who fight back really never had a chance to show that they meant no harm. I say this because our common goal as this type of person is to be understood. While up against a mass of smug sociopath liars who are constantly projecting joyously in groups that we’re mentally incompetent and incapable. This whole thing makes me want to kick an isolation room wall in and pull out the insulation over and over again. That type of treatment on that scale and for that length of time inspires anger in the most emotionally controlled of individuals. This type of passive brutality cannot be easily understood by people who are on a regular level of unchanging dopamine and serotonin. Basically, it is those who are in control and uninformed that are inevitably inflicted with the stigma for mental illness otherwise these are used as tools by the PhDs that as of late have the audacity to wield side effects deceptively like better acting medication (as well as transference upon their staff). Mania is a powerful source of energy. Success of any kind is a possibility with people that have the genetic makeup of the bipolar individual and quite possibly the schizophrenic and schizoaffective system casualties. Most who blindly submit are in a sedated or in a financially constricted reality for most of their lives. However massive bodies of work that gain quality over time with practice are usually seen with all types of mentally ill individuals. Productivity is a given with excess energy and hopefully with excess dopamine. This is something the bipolar individual has at their disposal. (The excess dopamine, like I stated earlier, being the undiscovered advantage for schizophrenic and hybrid diagnosis individuals). If psychological ailment is part of ones developmental makeup, seek help through private practices in your nearest large city center, like psychologist offices, astrological predictions or the cheaper alternative; fortune cookies. ((all systems more trustable than the political money grab being masqueraded by the Canadian government and god knows where)). Hobbies will get lots of attention and skills like writing will be improved for most. Phenomenal ideas and activities must be given attention. It must come from a desire to be appreciated in a world that sees them as useless and treated as such as well as resentment for the genetic advantage and the mitochondrial patterns I will stipulate below. First off I am compelled to write; things like physical agility are improved as well when new energy comes along. Now, the organelle mitochondria in animal cells produces energy for the cell. Like the patterns of the near solar system and probably menstrual cycles and similar monthly patterns recorded to date, all of these cells (differing by their design) work as groups. Most likely shifting by the behavior and the pressures of the environment and or the environments one is involved with as well as (chiefly) the positive verses negative intentions or energy put forth. The positive being more strong and more apt to gaining velocity compared to negative endeavours while the ignorant become subjected to rapid, (fuelled by culture and social upheaval) evolutionary de-emphasis. Tradition will save many who are open minded. It has been theorized that a person who inherits the bipolar gene may have abnormal mitochondrial activity. I reiterate that this would cause fluctuating energy production for the whole body and possibly more so for the brain, ultimately spiking or dropping essential consciousness related chemicals like serotonin and dopamine. Mainly above the baseline of level as far as positive living goes indicating that it’s an innovative evolutionary trait. (These chemicals and the proper medicine are prime factors for the bipolars however independent) the natural chemicals)) These are known simply as chemicals that affect our mood. Or sometimes referred to as (and in everyone’s experience) reward chemicals (endorphins) and oxytocin (the love chemical). The mitochondrial theories as well as more psychological rather than biological theories (i.e. “mono-ideo dynamics”) are unproven. (most called into question more than 100 years ago left unelaborated but proposing a hypothesis unfinished on purpose, ie. Mono-ideo dynamics meaning that an idea can make the body do anything the body is capable of to the peripheries, any part of the body. The “any” part of course cautiously suggesting the brain) The future of mental health I would say is the extensive categorizing of the dosage and drug or treatment in relation to different types of people or circumstances. (i.e. more than 10 conditions, more like a dictionary of conditions to be) Also, once the medical scam plateaus (due to actual research and political attention) psychology as a treatment method will be implemented beyond nurses attempting some form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It is those employed to work with the mentally ill and the graduates of psychology or related studies who must insist on more data collection and way more research into the possibilities the mind itself can offer in medical treatment of all illness. It occurs to me now obviously that psych has been previously placed on the priority list as secondary to the drug trade and religion so to gain funding for an renewable priceless trade like deduction of illogical pursuits and outcomes. (A basic form of psychology that should aid dangerous things like delusion and the laws of attraction). Psychology research mut be put on the forefront so we can get meds chosen, dosages corrected and diagnoses discovered and made faster and more accurately. (And produce more jobs in all levels of the field of medicine) It’s a century old marriage and divorce between medicine, and free will. Psychology should be treated as equally as important as medicine as it is half the battle against corruption of our society, ecosystem and those who inhabit it. Back to the original induction and pragmatic endeavour of self controlling mental chemicals that have their own agenda, or the agenda of the moon and the weather; the social activities of a manic person can be difficult to put up with for others because it’s constant and overbearing at times. This factor most likely is being brought up because of my experience with passive aggressive tendencies. What is interesting is that it can stimulate chemicals in people around the source (more importantly I say between couples). Basic emotional chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin (excitement, survival and `love` related chemicals in any order) can be increased in other people at higher than normal rates and levels (not to mention the freed individual themselves). These chemicals can be a blissful and natural human experience when people are close to one another. This can be achieved through stylized communication between persons. In cases of manic people with other manic people; it’s a vibrant social atmosphere. It’s manifesting the inner emotion or thought into reality or more commonly manifesting it into iteration. In any case one can activate the other pretty easily without consumption of any substance. Any communication and body language is the stimulation factor here when differing types of people get together. This is what psychology is; ‘Behaviour changing chemicals, changing environment’. Boring and seemingly opposing efforts is also a common occurrence because it’s hard to stay positive for most and for those around them because, it’s been a long battle and opposites attract. Phrases like that as well as phrasing like “everybody’s different” is an indication that intellect and work ethic are also independent factors essential to the coexisting of partners in general. The state best to experiment in as far as is hypomania (medium mania) or even just wellness. Ways to activate a slow rise in your serotonin level if you’re not bipolar would be using a mild stimulant like amphetamine (Dexedrine). This is not something to try on your own. I’m suggesting this to be a carefully overseen test involving chemicals that are dangerous to be used in excess and for prolonged periods of time. If you become manic, know that once your manic states have passed and you’re well you still possess the ability to partake in and test different psychological and parapsychological activities (it does stay with you and up to date). One thing to discover while well is that a person can up their brain’s chemicals at will without the use of drugs, rather, behaviour or behavioural exercises. Once you’ve done that and or submitted to the opposing factors of the weaker you are both freed. This has been going on for billions of years in many forms. Dancing, sex, geometry, sensory deprivation (like vision quests or modern culture traditions) gaining knowledge about the earth from the stars, cultural and group oriented endeavours like art or chemical revolution (i.e. drugs rock and roll all stimulate the body chakras as well as the earth’s). Other theories basically thrown around by the wiser of the eastern west in the form of literature or poetry comes to mind, like; “electricity comes from other planets”, in relation to mono-ideo dynamics in relation to bipolars and nature; “The Gift” etc. (The Velvet Underground, 1969). All of these “foggy notions” are there for usually the reason they’re being inspired, meaning put art intentions and science together and you’ve got something good. Unless you succumb to the marketplace. Only drugs inspire chemicals on command without the need for circumstance (this is a modern cultural tradition). The nature of mania is that you become ‘antennae’ of sorts that more easily gathers information. It’s up to you what you do with your energy or your manic that turns the tides in your favour. Your perception may be higher in this state, but there (as always) is; a down side of it as there is duality in all things in nature. Psychosis depression and psychological problems plague the inexperienced young bipolar individual’s lives until an effective treatment plan is accepted or forced on them. Other ways to cushion this (and to avoid too many episodes) is complying with treatment plans to your liking and staying away from recreational drugs for the most part. Or rather, opposing and cheating the laws of the flawed marketplace. The process as a whole is always a learning experience for most. For sure, unbalanced brains are the next step in biological evolution. The union of the mind and body, the relationship between the physical and metaphysical, and how human culture is merged with the ethereal will occur along with the reopening of the practices originating from primitive psychology like the agenda of the heavenly bodies of fire above. Victim Psychology One thing I have realized over the past many years is that there are two kinds of people in the world; the aggressors and the passive. Like the chimps and the bonobos, the psychopaths and the victimized, the sociopath and the weary guardian, the farmer and the farm animal, the nurse and the sickly the dominant prey upon the weak. I have found the sociopath to be friendly and the psychopath to be gentlemanly and wise at times. This does not condone they’re compulsive destructive social and physical abuse that they inflict upon they’re victims. A psychopath is someone who enjoys committing violence upon another. A sociopath is one who has no care for the wellbeing of others. This is rampant in modern Canadian livelihood. One other thing I’ve noticed about aggressors is that they go in and out of remission. (Which is cooperative behavior) A volatile destruction of one’s trust of others and distorting of one’s actions that is prevalent in victims is sexual abuse of the young and old alike. Next to physical assault it’s the most reactive and high profile to this day of violations of another person therefore it falls in the category of psychopathy from what I can see because of its physical and emotional impact. Victims carry on in public, say profoundly erratic and shocking statements, take up malevolence for those who stand by them and seek a vengeance that has no sympathy in any circumstance against theirs and other persons abusers. Their paranoia fuelles the problem of wrongful accusation cases ongoingly across the board. Usually a current abuser is in the background with these cases fuelling the fire while the victim holds out for some kind of mercy or justice. Wife beating and general abuse of children and animals are the most haness and hated by the public and the spectrum of victims in this country. (Canada) Sexual abuse is the most widely discussed and concerning of abusive behaviors towards humanity, (to the point that it’s an ongoing obsession and topic in the daily conversation in a conflictive situation between persons and within groups of all sizes) breeds decay within the psychological health of the groups themselves(like paranoia to a schitsophrenic) and they revel in it, abusers and all. All the power to the victims for their enthusiasm, but to reiterate what I wrote above, these actions are somewhat on occasion either false puppetry put on by the victim’s close and currently occupied as; violator, or by bystanders who just want a show or to gossip. The falsity and sadly sociopathic act of ‘fish netting’ just about every oddball as a possible suspect of these lowly behaviors is very common in today’s society. However, I have realized that their paranoia is justified by the number of women beating and sexual abuse cases showing up as a reality today and that there is a correlation with the amount of homosexuals that are violently “in the closet” who turn up in our courts and also who don’t (mainly due to victims trying to hold their lives together). Can this be explained by ethnicity clashes? Gangs?Terrorism?Languages? Why this correlation? Is it obviously connected to what was formerly seen as perversion, homosexuality, as a factor in these broken homes. Just because by my census in northern Ontario found that heterosexuality was a minority here and that the abuse rate changed for the worse shows that it is possibly a correlation. How long has this been going on? I find that these men need to use women as a shield, a sexual punching bag that’s worth no more than a cheap roast beef. This is a new social disease. Not homosexuality, but the act of taking a mate of the sex you aren’t interested in for personal gain. The action of these men is typical abuse and the women go on destroying their psychological health through these empty relationships. This one (me) who is looking for a healthy relationship feels ripped off however the sociopathic women choose their life like dolls instead. While the jails hold the psychopaths. The police jail and court workers go on with their corrupt behavior in our region. It’s that that continues to choke our young women into a compromise. They are a social disease, we are under siege from sick nations and countries and our men are allowing our women and children to fall by the wayside to make room for more homosexual dominance. It’s time to liberate the inflicted to avoid more people crossing over to psychological toxicity. As these victims start to depreciate into self destructing and outwardly destructive tendencies. Psychologists must prescribe and teach like never before in this age of lies, abuse and corruption

LO-FI Music Explained JAMES MCFARLANE·SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016 LO-FI MUSIC EXPLAINED The additional distorted data collected from the peripheries of our senses deliberately recreated and reproduced by means of adverse, outdated and unintentionally altered technology and style. Recorded or preformed ideally in the form of what we know as music and or film. broken record? More like audible snowflake. The geometry of nature get betrayed and expands when recording art under predetermined and active circumstances at the whim of the conditions of the environment and it’s setbacks. LO-FI Music/Media is the effect that the decay of our technology has on the pristine conditions in which we perform and record our visual and audible experience and the deliberate recreation and reproduction of these anomalies. Atonally thrusting forth with a foggy notion that these new audio and visual recordings of patterns that emerge from the more primitive forms of technology over time vaguely and remarkably respond to and compliment the setting of the reality intentionally being recorded on an almost conscious level. The question of how to activate them and where hey come from arises when artists of our own age with a knowledge of the recent technological and cultural past attempt the avantgard. Using predominantly analogue and traditional technology affected by time itself that we can alter ourselves in combined with natural (random) rate, voltage, velocity selection what have you to reproduce art AND what the ultimate effect of the recording process has on these works of avantgard art is the idea behind and the method LO-FI Music/Media. -James McFarlane (Seamus) I blew up Einsteins theory on insanity — James McFarlane (Seumas) JAMES MCFARLANE·SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016 Einstein said that the definition of insanity was repeating ones actions over and over again, expecting different results. I say that this behavior is far from insane. It is the fundamental law of how our development, bodies, daily lives, cultural traditions, reproduction, evolution and solar systems function. When looked at closely we see that even the most repetitious behavior is constantly changing at various rates. This is a law in all things in our universe therefore nothing ever really repeats itself. Rotations beautifully exist in nature and follow an imperfect geometry that we mimic in our cultures according the the schedules of the massive bodies above. Rock and roll, like opium or the moon have differing effects on the geometric patterns of our lives and evolution. Some rock an roll music by use of musical instruments (science) has combined the harmony of natures repetitious behavior (the drone) with the ever changing distortion factors like; time, mass, pitch and amplitude that are essential and fundamental to the evolutionary principle of repetitious behavior. Its the repetition that is the foundation we stand on, as long as your standing on it, expect something new to come about. Simply our presence in a scenario changes the physical and metaphysical environment at some rate, its our behavior and descisions that change that rate what manifests as the artwork or reality. — James McFarlane (Seumas) lyrics — James McFarlane (Seamus(Substreet Drones)) JAMES MCFARLANE·SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016

NEW — weird song (2016) the reaper, put the beat on hold, bones dug up just like the sunflowers in the snow, now deeper into the river of sight, if you go in that cave dont turn out the light, white light shines bright, no stars tonight, behind the vox stack, their singin heart is black, subwayswhislting over my head, thank god i climbed aboard instead, reap what you sew 4x (coda) Heart is black ive been had (ive been had) ive gone mad (ive gone mad) ths is war, (this is war) i told you all this before i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, heart is black face the facts, art is black, oohicant stay, (ooh icant stay) cant go your way, (cant go your way) i felt you sweet smack, Your smoke is black (smoke is black) i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, Beautiful face she thinks shes alright, butshes out of sight, swim in for a bite, underneath the white light, thining of fashons, and still looking smashing appealing to fools, out of all kinds of schools, lo frequency base, mixed with the acid taste, no it couldnt compare, to your beautiful face. you left a hole in my chest, a better shot than the rest, do you have five minutes, for a warhol screen test, at dawn i see a star burning not lie the rest, cant help but sit and wonder where its going next 4x cant help but sit and wonder where shes going next 4x Blue Haired BelleBlue Haired Belle, hangs around the gates of hellMorning stars get lost, in the flow of your blue sky locksDon’t despair, you’ve been on a track please take care, Come fly with me, its your blue sky that’s pure dont you see. Its alright You, me , everybody,we, see, only moonbeams,comets not so high,eathquakes in the sky,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright, You light the way, through tunnels, try not the scrape, the gunnels,on the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timeon the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timelalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalaooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaoooooo Main Street When you called me up hereIdidnt feel like walkin, Now your sayin to me,youdidnt feel like talkinwhy are we so clumsy,so clumsy with our breadnow you tell me honey, how you keep your stomach fed, always lending yourself out, to the freaks that dot our lives,honey when you gunna shout, at those drones in out beehive,take a walk uptown, to the bucket where they drown,gunna tell them when they get out,to get theiur handouts downtown MorningAt the dawn of a new age,Sun comes up, smell the burning sage,take a step foreward, turn the pagesay goodbye to all those dark dark days, MAking a brew I stare a the fire,stir the pot, and then connect the wires,turn on the amp, the music inspires,got to free my mind from all the cheats and all the liars. Morningdrone You, you know what I mean, when isay,that nothings gunna happen today,and you, you know what imean,wheni tell you it’s just not my scene, you, yeees you, what the hell are we gunnado?and you, the only one you listen to, is a man, by the name of, Lou. We, yeees us three, could make it at a defferentpace,I, know that, it’s a discrace, Lord, take us to another place, So grab your stuff, your record albums,you take the wine, and ill take the guns, and into the ocean, we will go, cause you know, were headed, for the coast,so raise up your glasses, for a toast,ha, which one of us can drink the most,the father, theson, or the holy ghost,and you say that this car can race,but can it take us to that other place, a different side of mother natures face. take me to another place. Nothing drones honey comes from lots of work, sticky feet moving berserkpatterns form in crude beauty, drones fulfill a pointless duty, honey drips, from the hive, golden jkelly feeds their wife, pretty flowers messy home, nothing drones on like the cone, back and forth, in and out, dancing like we use our mouths,the pay is small and so are you, results of that sweetens my tooth, the task is never ending, constantly descending, dripping in the mouths of those not worth defending. Oppenheimer park Rolling down the open road, to the end of the line,end of the world, end of the illusion of time,I go down to the water, and feel the cool surf,hear music in the air and take it for what it’s worth, cant understand why people, could live on so little,when so much goes through them, and through the needle, so hasty, with the selling of their saved souls,the western downtown is bright, blunt, and bold. Walk up and down throughout the day, out of your mind,think of your home nevermore, till the end of timethe loop drones on and on like a broken clock,don’t need to climb the montain, cause your at the top Hastngs is not coming for you, your coming for it,like hell it bewccons like the incline of a pit,the east side, sits a nd people come from near and far,to sit, and sink, into the grass, in oppenheimer park oracle so your torched,your hanging by a thread,don’t scorch, your pretty little head,wishing through your lips that it worntpass,feels like your turning from a liquid to a gas, take a trip right to the edge of your mind, consciousness poured out and left behind,take a break from all the flats and all the sharpd,ride a cloud of nothing, and numb your broken heart To thew edge of your mind, distortion blurrs the line bettweenwhats out there and whats inside, deep in the cave, breath in the cold air,see shadows on the wall,… stare bring news just like homing pigeon,come down, and start a new religion, leave now, and speak out, littereally or metephorical,the knowledge you posess will make you the oracle. Pipe Dream A science experiment gone totally wronga weather balloon with some kind of evil about it,all the kids at school could see it above the horizon,my friends and i knew we’d be better off without it, king kong, walked along high street, where the freaks and thugs call home,if he could reach this floating disaster on time,he knew he would never have to die alone,hethough about it and realised the people wouldntunderstandhe knew their alien nation would turn this ape into a man, darkened minds turn on a dime, revolve in time along thin white linesyin and yang drip from a wolfs fang, one pulls the trigger the other goes band why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Darkened fool has lots of toolsd, dead at the deep end of the pool, boring times and pouring rhyme, the question, is this really mine? why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Psych em out Psychem out like rabid vermin, make em shout a phony sermon,see right through their simple game,right to their core their thoughts of shame, watchem blow upon the fire, rocks explode right on the liar, social change brings end to war, housewife trembles on the floor,backwardsforewards, up and downvoisc encircle all aorund, observeprecieve hear see know learn mirror be, identify possible flaws, of the menace with no causethe time is now, so try to learn how to bend the rules they use to keep you down. Rabbit hole Salvage you mind while it is illuminated, a fire out of control,a cabbage in ttime, right now it is fumigated, wired and housing a soul,badhabbits in line, schedualed to be terminated, inspire you out of your hole, A rabbit , redefined and underrated but higher than ever before, drink up while the tea is hot and bright blue, the flesh of the gods makes it so,3 caps and some stems is all i can do, to see shooting stars upon the snow, think sweetly of me, with emotions so true as yu stand and look through the window,think of thinkgs to do when im gone for good now, waving at the bus watching it go, Im down in the southland, with deep curving valleys and bridges all rusty and crumbling, with grasses all dying and rivers of green and subways whistling under me. a spot on the corner , a 30 dollar gutar, a case and a cigarette too, is all that i need to get usedd to my home and bring my mind closer to you. The last of this song, is all out of place, but the pace rings true to the rule, of the verses before i shut tight the door on the patterns lost and misconstrewen,becauseits all backwards and forewards like this, its in shambles but its not a ruin,the end of this 4 verse song has arrived, to the point you might not clue in. Sea of lights Rockj and rave, through the night,on speed in a sea of lights,jump spin contort thrust,black white pain lust,spent a week there last might, maybe more,steal yourself a holy death crouching by the door cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Standing there all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the whilestanding all in black behind the vox stack, from behind sunglasses, we inspire the masses, cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Walk and talk it through the park,whiplashgirlchild in the darkrun run run, take a drag shoot your speed while you brag i’ve been orchestrating behind sunglasses,immitatingprodogy, and writer, man, tomboy and a throusand fans zeppelin spotlights on my brain exploding plastic in my veinhypnotyic tones as the propellers drone,mind bending sounds, resonate undreground, dak circles never weed, new york 1963, Chcmysic, velvet freak desensitize alter tweak, no money car moon or sun, sell your blood for heroin,if she ever comes now now, moe beat on that drum now now,pink perfume, mantra neumes silk screen factory tunes superstar test only the best wine coffee speed heroin rest,darkcircl;es never weep, new yourk 1963,theyve been up for weeks, in the white light the tweak, in 63 Skeleton Here we are again, moneys all been spent, you don’t know where hesbeen,hes trying to fend off things that dwell within, hes a skeleton. at the end of days hes been here before he says, narrow in mannyways,hes a skeleton,andidont know where hesgoin, or why he thinks itssnowin, he can see the wind thatsblowin, hes a skeleton, Spotlight Reap what you sew,snakes and poppys in her hair,sun flowers in the snow,make you look like your not so old,it had been so long i could not recall her face,she came outside to meet me though iwas’t her case,nowi sit and wonder if I’m out of place,the memories i had of her, are in outer space Standing all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the while,on the odd days I could talk to her,harmony and dissonence, a modern venus in furs,up and down that hallway, rotating the earth,waiting there for hours and hours, for her the quench my thirst. Sweet grass summertime,see the star shine, and i don’t mind revisiting those times,although my mind is blown, i play the drone,saying goodbye while you’re getting stoned. Vicious lips oooooo what to do,iwanna see you too,i think imgoin mad, ooooim not that sad noooi wonder sometimes where you are,what moon what planet under what star,id like to think your not that far, but we both know that trip was hard your vicious lips, eard on the airwaves, waking the dead, from their graves,your sweet, but your toxic, been three weeks since you dropped itI found it in my pocket, your trains comin I cant stop it You Made Me the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me, Come Back Around JAMES MCFARLANE·FRIDAY, MAY 13, 201610 Reads The process as a whole is always a learning experience like no other. Ultimately, like the brain has a recognition and physical atribute that corresponds with most chemicals in nature (possibly even synthetic chemicals) the psychological functions that a person can aquire are almostordaned and recieved in a timely fashion by the organ and im assuming the subconscious effortlessly and for evolutionary purpose. So I will assume everyones own, (however existential), growth experience is interesting. Having the atribute of spiking and deminishing of at least two of the brains most important chemicals related to experience, and behavior… and the awareness of the (most obvious to you) potential for not only chemical related occurances and their ripple effect, but the behavioral methods that the acute brain, manic brain, almost has a natural function to excercise and use usually either for a better survival or further expansion into astonishing existential and soon to be investigated parapsychological, social behaviors that tend to stick as long as they serve in a new type evolutionary (ie “Counter intuative”, productive and humanistic beavior that the mind eagerly draws in like an antennae recieving and storing up valueable energy. Setting this agenda and also surviving the early episodes, of bipolar, (which are usually the most drastic) are two hurdles to get over, let alone the crude, almost sickening archetectural features in our community hospitals, thats purpose cannot be desguised as heathcare to the human eye. A grossly overused assortment of bondage equipment and isolation chambers (not to mention your absence of any dignifying articles of clothing( also to be moved and set in place on occasion) nowadays plate glass walls, a whole dungeon setup designed by those people involved no less, who really probably care wheather the colour they chose or how their design would function better than the decaying sweat soaked ultimately in our home towns case, my favorite case, dried blood stained, apparenty approved for use by some dr, a single hallway, to alk up and down seemingly endlessly, untill not suprisedby the inevitable dread code white, that is the delight for the predominantly, …listen t me… dominated, by your average practicing as ferociously as they can with as little effort as possible, sociopath and more importantly to re ognise, violent violators psychopaths, who pretymch have the real pl working there stressin over what could possibly be these ppls capabilities, and are alienated inside by this evil thay cannot risk their ,,, virtully anything valuable, like a job or who knows, omg… thats why she left,,,,, so, yaa, these ppl rise like cream, annnnnd they have a really good time eeeehm, .. now nurse practitioners or legends, thir former dominator look like theyve aged, well lets say i was convinced they had beeen using prolongued use on heavy stimulents, like crack. iloldrewaout a blueprint with symboldsfr the patient advocate, neaysi mostly wantd to write and its alot of shit thats gone no doubt as home with ,,,lets say u know like fat cat. what, i was 15, and he was fat then, now hes the last one standing up there that i know of. oh yea… so i would say if u want out, and as of late i thing the design is perfect for the right ppl, socios included, fuckers, but, the dr, they are jst as careless as the security guards who cant hide haw stupid the really are and the odd couple who are revealing that their ok, still, idicovered, ,, maybe not in north bay, but in a proper community, like the city, ………..lost my train,,,, i think that i was getting at how just to be fair and …eyea 50 percent of the staff endowd with the ability to weildstrapps, and are encouraged by their no doubt under educated superiors, to always have the wrist ready to be broken if, now this brings me back,,,, they chokeyou, than comes the bondage that betty page would think is very unatractive, idk,,, the thing is,,, ya the drs, oh waut,, ok…. 1/3 of all of them are,,,, exculding the drs, and the janitors, who if ihaventdiscosedya are always there to pile up on a code white, and i know,, listen to me, no janitor ive met would grab my ass so hard on such a numerous a pile up, i have eyes in theback f my head,,,,,,, italalot,,,,,,, ppl that work so hard tp climb so not that far up the ladder in society, yes, sum of them are costume rocking witchcrftprodiges, who, will, 1 take the whole bunch of guys .. it may have been the forensic unit,,, this little thing is known by ,ppl, ive talked to about the psych who are inderectyl told by their others who work it, and ave stories about the oddity of us. iduno,, alot went down, but,, boring s yea she walks me throught e bysantine conduit iup to the floor, and the police have to walk somewhere behind to uncuff me and ta da, , y o iwanna bring up corporeal action when the best times,,, due to the conditios of bondage uuuuuuuuuuh were strictly through plate glass,,,,, ie. rare appearenced that are pretty much the only way. i really was bloody fucking thirsty 8percent and i mea ya,, when i was younngti chewed up braaaaan and drank my watttaaeer, and drew peace sighnsandd 7 days laterrrrr, after she sumhow managed to get an earbud into my head screaming for any colour you like by pink floyd, and playd the fungsonhggg, badassss. straight jacket. prolly day 4,,,,, i still think cough syrop is good for teenagerswhatver,,m took me to the top. ok… to get offf, the ward do as such; by Ultimately drawin on to no apparent end in crayons complete with nicotine gum (smokes,, the only freedom, not yet a right, that is so hard to get,,,,, and i learned to smoke in side the scarborough general hospitol,,, that room soon became the chamber, i would be locked in, for manny weeks, at different times,, thats where alot also hapened, is where the nude bondage asianfemaldr, ..whati mean i s theatwwhatwuldlou reed say… they never forgave us for nagasaki.,,, newaysive never spent more time in a i also a what appears to be and have bben told by assdocter of the north bay pstychwhi took to court at the hospitol and he got yelled at by a panel while my dad defended him and i ate cookies cus ii was really manic,,,, i also was 15 1/2… he later let me try and commit suicide,, thats a story of a different colour,, sounds like sprockets, idk,, idontwafe war with very real religiossympomatic shat, iuuuuuhm , so,,,, hereswahat krb8tujvcklwelbutrin.,,, ya, it istaken orally it shoul get right to work in three ad a half weeks, if suicidal,,,,, pray, oooir if u cant get dxedrine,, or sum speed beane drink a bottle of childrensgeapecoughsyrup once a day,,,, this acts as a seritonin reuptake inhibitor of a differrentcolour. 2 to 4 hours,,,iu get the mental stimulation,, it reall is a mellow buzz butttttyupppidecare fuck cough syrop…… dexedrineisnt out there and i know it couould really bbe used and they aslso do,, ie. jfk, addisons disease, dexedrine/anphetamine. so,, it will make y0ur 90 year old great aunt we all frogot about over in blind river get up from the abyss of alzheimers and dementia and sing thins is the day that the lord hath made,, ,but with real and concious interaction,,, without memory of course. however,,, she does that,,, did that anyway , but,,, im sure every month not every day,, at least one trial of … iuffingadhd adults can take it,,, why cant she. smeared into the grate of every window and the classy bubble rooom which actually was made with enough pride according to the regionnsid say, to have an even more, almost funny, and certainly battered scratched and spat on bubble for the head psychiatrist t poke his head into every few days. Lets not froget how that scene ended. like my father and grandfather before me who conditioned and alterred the correctiona institutions for fifty fife years now a conmfortablevacatin for psychopaths and whoever, not even the hole could stand up to point blank restraints naked, with your flimsy gown around your chest. at least in the bubble room there was lots of privacy, u know, to each institution their own, glass , bubble blood stained, probably 60 years of ppl that somehow said something that attracted the attention of their nurse, who no doubt vollynteered after printing your file which is most likely epic thick, there is no room for any of their creative stylings in that no, i did just smash the wall into pieces and ya all the insulatin is everywhere, high five and respect from my cute transference mistress, (and a couple others.)

Perverts Dictionary (O_o))))))))))))) Trilateral — jinx No doubt — yes, super Doble- adorable, dobles, adobles Straight up — forthrightly, correct, right, or goof Throwing babies makes them gay Avant garde — protect the old (art) stay the same Downtown, — quiet not ratting Technology — rewind/splice mp3 interchangable Right up — shooting up Not up — free (not in trouble) Word — “my promise” new word, yes Naw — ya goof / no Buzz out — use vibrator / get high Drone- parapsychological anomalie Phe — speed (methanphetamenes) Stellar — awsum / the sun / single thing Figure — shape (claivoiance) One — god / goof Out-gay or leaving No doubt — ur gay / im gay. (For sure (im a whore)) straight up In — a goof out “my thing ‘ — claivoiant animation (repeated) Pentagon/circuit — terrific Duality — love or contrast in nature Straight — not gay or no drugs Up-in torouble/retarded/fucked Goof — crazy p/pedophile / molester/rapist/asshole Pervert-whore/hooker Asshole-incessant talker(mean) Solid-honest reliable Ethereal — heavely, sticky, Bird- girl pervert , moron Badass-pervert/violent, missile Idiot –saying nething Toad- smaker (heavy) old vagina A hard — a stiffy Eh eh- turning vol down and then up to trick parents in the 70s in quebec Bonhome — dildo, goof, good man Ein — get in /out (here) goof (French) ass hole/vagina Institution/church shouting= good Tabernacle-chest Coalis-chalise Zeut-fuck Fuck- rape/damnet or sex Stomping — raping Bang out- beat on Beat up — gay kids trying to get their frieing off violently Rank out — make someone stink by working them or hurting them / cast someone out canadian military style (gay) , gang up on someone till they freak out (psychopaths do it all over Canada)’ Trast- drunk /party/water Dai-morning, cool, fun, ausum, hello! Good-goof Story along-paranormal happening involving ancestral memory Psychic-all in one, prophet telepath Telepathic — mind to mind talker, thinker Telekinetic- moving things/ ppl Claivoiance- seeing colour from other ppls minds Rod-skyfish/fast moving anomaly animal Vaj-old or young vagina Oss — dog or baby vagina Grandma- bag in tree Candy — transsexual My honey — sexy (on the wind(throwing laughter(female))) Beating off — complex Wacking off-pervert Jerking off — solid (female) Move-walk / go Mullet-militia Freak –goof (black word) Ca — crap — crow call Germ freak-someone who forces germs on ppl Quay-(beautiful woman (cunt) — woman) latin Mead-morphene Rin — heroin (dust / cookie crumble) Beans — speed pills Rids — Ritalin No shit- of course Jib-meth Hellfire — run off meth (bad) Food — crack Molly-mdma /e Bombs — ecstacy cid — Acid (lsd) shrooms-magic mushrooms sterl — brother (little) afgan weed — brown pot kife — bad weed (shake) leaves) shibby — cool/goof cool-gay/awsum fade white — see white on od (heroin/mescelin(go to heaven/hell)) road — freedom — out of institution the suck — mescalin myth ast — perversion telekinetic- asty sortof meta/physical movement from the brain outwardly god — goof — one or christ lady stink — female deodorant leave it — shirt on chest (gay /bi) stop it hiboit gland — make you fat cured with amricain medicine merican — goof citizen of America Canadian- a sovereign citizen of Canada (incestewous clown) Were done — end releationship British — gay mongerers Nono –nig mistake Famished — thirsty / starved Sent — innocent Pervert — to change something and make it last nothing — absence, bipolar universai — multiple universes psykinetics — telepathy / telekinetics/claivoiance geniupsy — psykinetic offspring genius — generating new thought (brilliant) bipolar- up and down serotonin and dopamine, psychopath — violent person sociopath — not caring about neone oppositional defiant — opposing help borderline personality — victim misbehaving schitzophrenic — high fixed dopamine, fixed seretonin (normal)\ drone — unpiloted airplane, good worker, artist , schitzophrenic dick — enlarged clitoris get out of here — come here little child aced — gay men trying to get pregnant, daughter , sqaired away k — ketamine ass — dad/grandfather hun — little stut( skank) brecky — greek (breakfast) supper — jewish (Dinner) brecko — Italian (breakfast) avatar — ethereal image of oneself asshole — girl or boy or rapist (north bay / Chicago)\ goof — sad or sexy ethereal image from shame can be cured with desensitization (knumbaning) (telepathic) ya — pedophile dude — black pedophile Italian cowboy, fake doctor (candadian) huffin — pretending to be someone else while using telekinteicks in a sexual fashion. sadomasochist — paingiver/enjoyer earphoning — hearing ppl in ypur speaker — hold speaker up to ear and hand over other ear, psychopaths recommendation pur — rapist/pervert uggz — ug;y phile — pedophile ace — gays — rape — sister — grandma-brother path — telepath or a psychopath/sociopath, can — male whore cop- fake police (pedophile) musac — music laid — losing virginity glowie — acid victims (creep) ente old stupid goof dex — cough syrup bed down — tie to bed (north bay) fuck right off — screw my girlfriend\ fuck off — go cop the u- universe no shit — definitely mangina — friend spect-respect right up — repect straight up — disguise Italian — scot Adisguzi — disgusting excuse me No shit- really? Love — goodbye

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[feverhalo]

Ok so. Big talky post about irl shit in all forms because why not & i feel bad leaving you all hanging so long on so much

Please dont r///ebl/////og and theres no pressure to read it or do anything in regards to this.

So. This covers like. So many topics. Grief and death and mental health being the biggest warnings for

Average news first. I still have my job and have been there officially for a year now! Pay rates are going up in my province, and thats a new solid reference should i need it any time soon. Theyre also beong really understanding and compromising(? Forgot theword i had originally) and letting me try new jobs/places to reduce stress

I found out yes, i am still allergic to peanut butter if the fact that i had really annoying stomach pain for h o u r s after eating a teeny tiny pb cookie is anything to go by. Didnt really pay attention to if i broke out on my sides or not because i was a little preoccupied with curling up tightly and feeling a little off the next day too. (I mean no duh what did i expect to happen but i mean. They smelled so good). Lesson learned.

Bad news

ive touched on but i dont think ever really said. Someone very very close to me passed in late summer and im still devistated and torn up and doing my denial/anger thing for the most part. Its. Not easy. But ive been going to see someone, admittedly its become a bit about everything when it was supposed to just be this, but i dont do death. When i was a kid and lost someone i shut down entirely and aside from angry outbursts and the occasional breakdown i tried my hardest to act like there was not and would never be a hole there. It didnt work well at all and im still affected by that person's passing too.

They were also one of the more supportive people in my life and i spent a lot of time reading and writing and creating in their company and its been hard.

And i know that im handling this a little better even though im still skipping out on things and blowing up and all the same sort of crap but i actually have a neutral space that wont feel marked or stained every day for processing and a neutral person to help.

And of course its not just grief im getting help with because its all kind of a tangled mess. But im also getting like. New insight on stuff and someone to talk to about whatever. And its making life quite a bit harder because im so used to blocking it out or locking myself away and letting things rush over and take over and run their course. Its been really hard to be creative because im incredibly self critical and having a lot more trouble focusing lately because of a lot of reasons.

Im stressed and overwhelmed a lot more easily and frequently right now. And i know im being distant even if it doesnt show. Im scared to kind of go along with this and open up and all that junk and now im being gently prodded to do so in short, honest (not just stuff i dont rly care about or stuff callously overshared to just pretend im being open) bursts its kind of freaking me out. But like. Itll all end up for something good i hope. Even though it feels awful right now and ive had stints of days or even a full week with supports on speed dial when i havent been able to calm down or shut off over thinking but thats- i mean i expect it. A lot is happening and ive known for years my coping strategies have been lacking.

Ive also been talking with this outside help and weve toyed with the idea of maybe i really do have add or at least my anxiety manifests similarly and its kind of a which came first- and this ties in to the next good part in a second- but i havent scheduled anything in my area for right now for those sorts of things but im still kind of getting new ideas from a different angle that might maybe help and if i dont then im learning things i still may be able to use. Either way its not a huge deal for the current moment and its a bit if trying to find compassion and acceptance for myself whether its thing a or b or neither but whatever

Good, great, best news!!

I have an in to starting the more physical process of transitioning. Like i have a day and a time and a start. Like really really really soon. Its going to be hard i know because im going to have to open up about things and will probably be told i have to wait until i can stablize a bit more- its been a lot happening in a short while. And i understand. I waited 2 years to hear from them, i waited a few years to reach out to them, and i unknowingly waited years to find new words that struck a chord and all that. So as long as its moving i can deal with the wait.

I have GOOD people (many i know and have known for years now who happen to work in an adjacent field, some who are new and yet to be met but have rly good references if that makes sense?) who are going to help me kind of navigate and understand and undo things i thought i learned that were honestly just veiled hate and scare tactic garbage. People who support me and dont push me past what i am comfortable with undergoing to "prove" anything (such as 'if you didnt do x right away youre lying/if you dont do y surgery first i wont believe you' kind of comments. I hope). Im looking into options and im so excited for it!!

Its going to involve a lot of talking about things and probably a lot i dont want to talk about just yet but its a great chance because it gets me officially connected and officially started and this place has more options than my town and more specialized crap that can detangle and work through all the connected things and it can all be lumped together as the same process and hopefully help financially that way- and time wise unbelieveably. Theres a very good chance ill be able to talk with someone there, and very likely that first appointment, who can help me understand why i work the way i do sometimes for whatever reason it is.

And im getting a lot of positivity and lessons like learning to give myself some slack where it matters and stuff like that. And that im not worthless or stained or going to rot other people- which is honestly uncomfortable for me to think because of how long ive thought the opposite. Like to think i may actually be pretty good like not pretend good and actually worth anything at all. Because i got stuck in bad thoughts since i was small.

Im also thinking on trying to go back to school because i have a lot i think about with nowhere to really put it and nothing to do which doesnt help me do the things i want to do. So maybe something like that would help because i like learning. I like the motions of it- writing and reading with intent to understand something new, the routine as much as i whined about it in highschool, the forced kind of proximity to people living apart from what i know entirely too so the world feels bigger in a tangible way. Thats on a back burner and waiting for sure! But the fact im thinking about it and happily thinking about it? I like that.

My life has been. Kind of a combination of bland as hell and busy if that makes sense. Ive had to sort of shut down outward productivity and cut down on things a bit because so much is going on, and im trying to do a lot as paced and as slowly as i can bear.

And even though im not Here here as much as i want to be and everything its just. Kind of time for this. And im so glad and happy that when i can be here i can see that people still like what ive done and theres always awesome content to see and yeah

Thanks for everything and checking in and i really really am looking forward to moving forward.

#fh irl #i may chicken out and dele te this in a bit

[hodanibrahim-blog]

Reality of Being a Muslim Woman in Business

Whoever sought the pleasure of Allah though it was displeasing to the people then Allah becomes pleased with him, and will make the people pleased with him, and whoever sought the pleasure of the people though it was displeasing to Allah than Allah becomes displeased with him and will make the people displeased with him" (Ibn Hibban/ Tirmidhi)

This may sound like a very different me. Because it is.

My beliefs about who I am as a women and my role in the world is shifting beneath my feet.

And I wanted to share them.

I've been an entrepreneur for years now. I consciously made the decision at 22 that I wanted to live my life this way.

My dream was very simple: I wanted to make a 6-figure salary working from home.

I am such a homebody. I love the comfort of my home and if I could do what I loved in my favourite place, then that sounded like a good deal to me!

As a young women, I'm blessed to have accomplished a lot alhamdulilah.

I've lived in so many countries like Chile, Egypt, Canada, Dubai and Malaysia. I've written books, started and grown 2 successful companies and met incredibly influential people. Im truly grateful for what I have been able to do as a solo girl who grew up under an immigrant family in social housing projects.

With Allah's blessing, I've gotten so far because my mother instilled the belief of God in me and the fearlessness to do whatever I set my mind in. She taught me wealth was always in my heart and I always wealthy. It made me always feel like I was in a state of abundance and could have whatever I wanted. She gave me the attitude to be successful.

But as with everything, success can also have a downside.

Success is probably one of the most dangerous words in the world today. How we define success can make your life happiness or total hell.

The general definition success is materialism. The more you have, the more successful you are. However, the consequences of that is so utterly devastating when a person figures out, like many, that "stuff" cannot buy you happiness.

What I didn't realise that what was to come was a feeling of deadness in my heart once I got what I thought I wanted. It felt like an emptiness - a hunger that could never be filled.

I suppose looking back, I had it coming.

When Success Becomes a Survival Mechanism

I define success for years, albeit unconsciously, as revenge. Revenge for the world that push my parents out of the only land they knew and belonged in, Somalia. Revenge for a system that was built against me. Revenge for never finding anyone that looked like me or understood me. It was pure revenge for living and being because the system told me. Revenge for having spent 16 years in public prison(ie education system) and only becoming how I am in spite of it, not because of it.

Success was everything I was not. And come anything, I was going to get it.

But success & empowered meant something totally different when it happened.

If You Lose Your Hayaa, You Lose Your Eeman

Haya according to Islamic is modesty. It holds such a huge importance in our faith. Our believed Prophet Muammad(s) said:

“Haya’ (modesty) and Iman (faith) are two that go together. If one is lifted, the other is also lifted.” [Recorded by al-Hakim]

The more time I spent in business, the more my hayaa became compromised. Haya and eeman are one. Once you lose haya, you lose eeman.

The beauty of Islam is that our deen offers the women such a dignified position in society that, once you learn about it, it is very hard to accept otherwise.

The Western narrative likes to shame a women who wants to stay-at-home and raise kids. It likes to shame women if they don't want to be in the public life. It shames people who follow tradition instead of modernity.

I grew in an ultra feminist society that encouraged women to do whatever men could do. But now I am questioning this narrative having live this reality for so long: is this the best way I can live as a woman?

I've spent most of my life in the public eye and with no male guardians in my life,  I have also spent most of my life exposed to the world. I had to take full responsibility for myself.

It's not about only being physically protected; being emotionally protected is something society doesn't afford to women. Women are most vulnerable for that reason.

More than that, I want to look at what have I sacrificed to get here?

This is what I want to talk about.

Living the startup world rat race, I have nearly lost my soul. Really, I learned first hand that money and success is not where happiness lies.

Happiness is from Allah. Its a journey, not a destination. You can never arrive at being "happy" and this realization made me realize I was more happy sleeping on a mattress on a floor for almost a year to build my 2nd company than ever being able to achieve anything materialistic.

As a women in business, you lose a lot in the process of getting to the top. You lose your modesty especially if you work in male driven environments, which I have exclusively worked in. Modesty is the first thing that has to go because it is the one veil you need to remove in order to thrive in a male-driven business environment.

You adopt characteristics of a man because you have to in order to survive

But unless you hire them, most men don't take you seriously in business. Men take other men seriously in business.

I've been harrassed, abused, taken advantage of, disregarded just because I am a woman. Say what you like about gender equality but it doesn't exist and I don't believe in it.

Sure - men can respect you. That isn't what I am talking about.

The fundamental belief that caused my suffering for so long is the idea that men and women are the same. And because they aren't the same, they can't be equal!

If they were equal, I would not have had the experiences I have had. I would not have had to work harder; I would not have had to look pretty or feel that I need to "dress up" or simply change my demeanor in order to be more favourable in a business deal; most men wouldn't have hit on me and would have treated me like an equal - but alas it never happened.

It's a painfully sad reality. My work ethic and idea were never enough to stand on their own.

I was always that young, nice girl "trying" to do stuff. And this led to a cycle where I had to become more aggressive to go after what I wanted and compete even more to "prove" myself worthy.

As I said, grew up in the most secular, liberal feminist society and from an early age was taught to believe I could be and do what a man can do. Hypothetically, my capacity to accomplish my dreams is unlimited. I can and fully intend to accomplish all my goals insha allah, with Allah's help.

The reality I have come to is women sacrifice way more than men in their way to success and building their own legacy.

I remember reading Anne Marie Slaughters, the first women director of policy planner in the US State Department, who wrote article in the Atlantic years ago on "Why Women Still Can't Have It All". There was a little voice inside of me that hurried with such enthusiasm when I read it.

Years later, I am living a little piece of what she has lived: I don't want to play a game that makes me work harder to reach the same results as men.

You know why? I wasnt built to play this game.

I was built to live in the complete honour it is to be a women and not have to sacrifice my femininity, my honour and modesty to get business deals.

Any deals I've closed: a man had to be next to me or I had to look pretty to do it. Why? Majority of those cutting my checks were other men.

What does the future look like?

Taking the step to changing the way I do business is hard but neccessary. First step is that I wanted to share my thoughts because I know there are many Muslim women in my place who've experienced the uncomfortable inequalities of being a working women and have had no outlet

I understand many women work like I do.

I understand being abandoned by one of your parents- I have.

But the cost of building business to leave legacy and lose myself in the process, I will not do it anymore.

Second step I've taken is to go back to wearing the niqab. I briefly wore it when I was 17 and stopped wearing it due to pressures in my life as a young teenager.  

For me, the niqab always represented continuous beauty in striving for the pleasure of God - quite literally turning your back on a world; the very world I've chased for so long.

Be clear: covering yourself as a women isn't my way of excluding myself from society or separating me from others. It's a way for me to participate in in the world in a much more dignified way without compromising my haya. It is a way to protect my faith.

Lastly, I wanted to start a whole new blog - Women of Tahira - for Muslim women in business. I wanted to document stories that don’t get told; offer new ways for Muslim women to live as Muslimahs without getting lost in our chaotic modern world and still live the lives we have always dreamed of; I wanted to share my journey to building very success businesses and a life without compromising my values.

The Journey Continues

So this new chapter being a businesswoman but taking a new approach to building my businesses will be interesting.

I will finally be able to do the business I want on my terms. No compromising.

Ive always believed living with a mindset of freedom. This is my freedom.

Nothing in this world is more important for me than my faith in Allah. He is my protector and provider. He has been the only being to be there for me and support me. The only reason I have reached the success I have is from Him(swt).

Business as a woman is difficult and in the accomplishments and success I have achieved Alhamdulilah. But I absolutely  will not lose my soul in the process.

There is a lot of fitnah living a public life. I want to be sure to protect my honour and eeman in the process and give other women the courage to do so.

Ultimately, taking away a woman’s modesty moves her away from her faith and the natural inclination with which she was created.

I want to show women that you can adhere strictly to your values and traditions and still achieved your goals on your own term.

You don't have to model yourself into what society wants you to be to find your rizq or success. You don't have to do what "you think" you have to do to find success.

Understand your sustenance is only from Allah and you should only rely on Him(SWT).  I am fully confident my rizq will come to me no matter where I am - nobody can take it away from you.

My happiness is only with Allah and my success is with Him. As such my trust should be in him 100% also.

#muslim #muslimah #niqabi #business #entrepreneur #small business #blogs #growth #haya #khadijah #beauty #entrepreneurship