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mitsurichan3 · 6 months

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Yknow its crazy its been a year since the fall out. Im definitely doing a little better in some ways, and worse in others.

Im okay but it could be better. TLDR im finding that i am in a little bit of a rut and i am struggling to find a sense of direction in my personal life now that im 25.

Day job, career, art woes, social life, financies and priorities are all confusing rn lol but im managing somehow. Specifics below.

If you decided you wanted specifics here you go.

Work started rough this school season. The schedule is a fucking mess. Two districts are struggling and are hot messes. New part timer joined the fray in the middle of all of this so its training a person ontop of the already chaotic mayhem.

The friend fall out with that bitch still has me... frustrated. Some days i can go about my day without blinking an eye, some days i still go through anger and frustration and bitterness and feeling disgusted with myself that i gave so much to this person only to be thrown under the bus on a public timeline where she twisted the fucking narrative to be in her favor when it actually didnt happen that way. Her name sickens me. Everything that is associated with her is tainted and i cant enjoy shit like i used to because how deep the betrayal goes down to my core. Fuck you, i hope you actually have the worse kind of miserable life she can actually live.

Ontop of this i feel... inadequate. I feel like I am doing too much at once, and nothing at all at the same time. Yes my life has gotten quieter and i have room now to do things i have always wanted to do, but now that i have that wiggle room, things feel far more isolating than before. I feel alone. I do a lot of stuff, now, alone. It gets lonely. I do go out with friends ocassionally, but its not the same. I dont feel that sense of direction that helps with calming my anxiety down. I have always known i was an anxious person but having a sense of direction and of moving forward has always kept me calm. Not anymore.

I dont check tumblr as often as I would like in the past but I also am using it more purposefully filthy but it helps some nights though i have consistently gotten a bit of love here too. An old pokemon piece gets a like every now and then. It brings me a little bit of hope knowing people do go through the tag and DIG EXTENSIVELY for things.

Im frustrated that I am not moving forward in my art making career and artist era. I am mostly putting my efforts and energy in maintaining my day job bc its a realiable source of income and it saddens me to know it is coming to that point in my life where safety is better than taking risks and not following my dreams. My supervisor is aware that i am looking for ways to grow professionally in a more creative environment but i dont know... unless I can get the ppl on the internet to help support my artistic endevors i dont think it would be a good move to quit the museum when I still have car loans to pay. ugh priorities.

I do want to post more consistently and show more of my art. Recently i went to an art sale hosted by my university and to tell yall the truth It was such a flop it hurt. Not because we didn't sell, but because the other artist vending got soooo many compliments on her artwork while my ceramics were just catching dust. People werent.. gravitating towards it. And it hurts. I poured my heart and soul making those pieces but I guess it serves me for not putting in MORE effort into making better art. Ughhh.

The idea of going back to school for a master's degree is.. exciting but I am not sure if that is the path i want to go down. I just want to live happy in a comfortable life doing what i love aka making art. And dont get me wrong i have ideas its just!... sigh, energy. Time. Effort. Most importantly comfort .

I am trying to rethink ways of diversifying my income venues and put 250% more effort into the platforms and venues inrl and online that are producing a bit of money for me. I want to make prints. I want to make stickers. I want to make paintings. I want to stream more often and stick to a consistent schedule. I want to earn a living making things I love. I dont want to be stuck in corporate all my life. I want to MAKe!!!

Sigh.

#personal #status update #updates

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neonapocalypta · 1 year

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Minky Momo ep 4

CONTEXT: I'm a big fan of Takeshi Shudo's writing. You prob know him from his work on episodes and movies in the early years of the Pokemon anime. He's my favorite author, though I won't be going into that here. This post is from me watching one of his other creations: Minky Momo. (Specifically ep 4, which he wrote from what I understand.) Originally this was a thread on twitter from March 18th 2022. (when I was sick.) I'm putting it here since I'm trying to fill my tumblr with stuff I find important.

I prob won't post my other first impressions, as those slowed down when I started feeling better. (I actually need to finish this series.) To be honest, this ep is something else, thus another reason why I wanna share it.

Also, this will be edited from its original form for anything I don't think need to be here in hindsight and spelling stuff.

Minky Momo ep 4 might be one of the most wild and maybe even sad eps Takeshi Shudo has written (to my knowledge.) Go watch, for real, I'm about to spoil it.

It's starts out fine. Momo's ma is threatening to divorce her dad, Momo DGAF about her grades, just normal shit for Shudo. Then we meet the character of the day, Ken. At first he's just some kid staring out the window during class. Momo is so curious about why he's looking out at the sky, she pokes him with a pencil getting them both in trouble (and failing their tests I think.) She keeps trying to hang out with him and he's all like "fuck off." (my words) For some reason another student knows that his dad is an archeologist and his ma "works late so he has to go home and watch the house after school."

Momo stalks him to his place and he's like fuck off. (again.) Like a week later his bird is sick and he comes into the vet Momo's earth "dad" runs and momo cures it. He asks her to, and I'm not joking to "see his room" tho not in THAT way I promise. Anyway, his house is full of ancient artifacts his dad "found" which includes a map of the fairy world Momo come from. (Honestly this is interesting stuff, I'ma skip it for pacing.) We get to the kids room and find out he's beyond "I'm feeding these crows because they're my only friends". His toys are his friends. Legit. Not making it up. This kid is so lonely that he's resorted to this shit.

Then to make his life worse, but actually in the end not, the one time Ken didn't watch the house his entire apartment catches on fire. He goes inside to save his bird and friends, a cop is like "fine, I'm not gonna go save you kid." and Ken is like an inch away from Death. Really. Ovi Momo tried to save him, but she wasn't gonna get to him in time, so she used her magic to make the toys come alive and (I think?) create a barrier around him until she could get to his room.

At the end of the episode he's like "I know they saved me and now they're from the dream world. Even if no one believes me" ( I can't remember what Momo's land is called rn sorry.) At least he's happy I guess. You know what's wild? This would be the episode most people would remember from the series. The poor abused child grappling with a slipping mental state due to isolation from his parents to protect their stolen property almost dies in a fire to save his imaginary friends. But instead, (unless there's something else I don't know about.) the truck-kun episode happened to be in the same series.

Sad dark plotlines mixed with the wildest of scenarios is one of the reasons I love Takeshi Shudo's work so much. This is peak his work. Damn, I don't even think Ken and Momo became friends. He's Fren exclusive to Mr. Peanut. (A lot of his friends seem to be from other IPs.) I won't forget Ken or this episode for a while.

#Takeshi Shudo #minky momo #anime

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lilydalexf · 3 years

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Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Penumbra

Penumbra has 9 stories at Gossamer and 1 at AO3. You can find her complete catalogue here. If you’ve read any X-Files fic, surely you have read at least one of her stories. If not, why not? Some wondrous places to start are Parabiosis, Contact High, Black Hole Season, and Heuvelmans’ On the Track. Big thanks to Penumbra for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

In a way, yes. There are no precedents for what happened to us with XF fandom, and in the late aughts it all seemed to be over. I got out and never looked back, haha. What really surprised me was to find, all these years on, that there are still X-Philes, although it does make sense they’d seek out those wonderful old fics we wrote.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

Let's be honest, in my Penumbra days I was in a bad situation, the X-Files was a coping mechanism, and Mulder and Scully's relationship an idealization. I latched onto it as only a lonely obsessive can. The X-Files withholds; it opens up metamagical voids; it isolates while simultaneously plunging one into an ethereal community. It’s the tattoo I deserve.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

The X-Files forced me to get online. Computers weren’t a part of my life, so I sneaked into the local university comp labs and figured it out. It was absolutely terrifying, like landing a space capsule, and I didn’t have ID and lived in fear of being caught. The first thing I typed into a computer was ‘X-Files’. So renegade! My heart was pounding and I thought sirens might sound and fire doors engage.

The Fox site had an X-Files forum that was utter pandemonium. Glorious and scary. At that time, I was one of the many Starbucks. The people on atxc seemed way too smart and opinionated. It was hard to even get membership in forums; they were heavily moderated. Mostly I remember lots of email friendships. Sometimes a kindly mature Phile would reach down from the ether with some words of wisdom. A. I. Irving was one. She was dealing with M.S., and writing fic while she still could. It is with an enormous sense of poignancy that I think of the people who were the ‘adults’ of the fandom then. Now I’m ancient in Phile years, but at the time I was just a clueless twenty-something, looking up to all those greats.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

Wow, as WE ALL KNOW, discovering X-Files fanfic was a revelation. Whew! I thought: stand back, the professionals are handling this. The authors were about as human as Greek gods. Eventually it dawned on me that anyone could write it.

The first fic I wrote was HORRIBLE. I put a link to it on my site, so that people can get a little hit of schadenfreude. Those early stories were on shaky footing. I had no confidence in myself. I felt intimidated writing about sophisticated, highly-educated career people when I was none of those things. Heck, I was cleaning motel rooms. I'm still none of those things, but, through Mulder and Scully, I've lived that life a little bit, and it was fun.

The third story, 'Contact High', was all sex and drugs. I’d done acid and shrooms, so finally, a subject I could assert some authority over! I decided to just go for it. That abandon was a breakthrough, and Penumbra came into being. But there was so much going on inside me, it was hardly harnessable; as stories like ‘Vespers’ and ‘Black Hole Season’ show, it was like getting on a horse that you can't control and just clinging to its neck as it gallops.

This time around, in my latest incarnation, I feel that I have a better perspective on Mulder and Scully, more of an even footing. I’ve been through a lot, and in 'Hotel-Zero', I wanted to demonstrate not just how to survive, but how to survive as yourself. I wanted to maybe create a sort of handbook for how to keep your head above water. Life is hard for all of us, people are hard on us. You need to keep a singular perspective on yourself, and allow no one modify it.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

I’ve had two separate experiences, with a seven-year hiatus, and I wouldn't have missed either of them for the world. Belonging to an obscure hive mind has been one of the most interesting and rewarding (not to mention super-secret) facets of my life, and that will always be my overall takeaway as an X-Phile.

However, as the fandom imploded there was understandable backlash against the whole Penumbra thing. The panegyric was just too much, the style definitely overblown. I posted 'Fathoms Five' as things were melting down, and there was real outrage. People were boycotting it as a political statement. Oh, we were all so raw—the X-Files was ending and IWTB was a heartbreaker. At that point I’d been working on 'Heuvelmans’ for a couple of years and was forced to admit I couldn’t finish it, nor would it be well-accepted if I did. So you can sort of see the baggage I was carrying when I left the fandom, not to mention the creative angst.

Three things brought me back:

1. They started filming the Revival. I flipped out at the thought of seeing Mulder and Scully again.

2. @perplexistan contacted me, and I realized there was a frisky pack of Philes on tumblr. Philes are my people, that’s just a fact.

3. I read @teethnbone’s ‘Das Ding’, which zapped at my temples like thunderstorm electrodes. So, there I was, in a trance, making the Devil’s Tower out of mashed potatoes.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

No, I would consider it a sacrilege. I have loved and admired many other television series, but writing X-Files fic for Philes has been too extraordinary an experience to dilute. I have a zillion obsessions, but for only one am I fannish.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I just finished up that monster oldie called ‘Heuvelmans’ On the Track’, under the name The Mythopoeic. It’s on AO3. I have a couple of obscure side projects with a writing buddy. And I have another old fic called ‘Blue Ruin’, a cancer arc fic I’d like to finish someday.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

It is very nice. People are gentle and welcoming. Philes used to criticize stories mercilessly and authoritatively, but you don’t see that a lot anymore. I have plenty of outside projects, so I am trying to ease away, you know, like taking off your shoes to slip out of the room after the baby’s fallen asleep.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I’d like each one of you to know that your belief in me changed my life and saved me a thousand times over.

(Posted by Lilydale on December 8, 2020)

#new post #old school x #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic #xf fanfic author interviews #penumbra

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a-lil-perspective · 3 years

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I have been silent for some time now. I have refrained from exhibiting any plaguing thoughts that might warrant me the label of “that person”, but I’m at the point where I’ve had my fill.

Ramble under the cut so as to not... offend or inconvenience anyone. There’s absolutely no obligation to read this. It’s Tumblr. You can block/ignore me. The option to do so is readily accessible.

I’ve been a Bad Batch fan since day one. While I didn’t start creating that very same day, it was relatively close. Point being, I’m a long-time dedicated fan. As the premiere to their series draws closer, I feel like there is going to be a great shift, rift here. That being said, I figured now is as good a time as any to make this post.

I love those boys beyond words. They’ve been the one constant in my life amidst a rapid and debilitating change. I love getting to give them life, even if my interpretations aren’t the most accurate.

Yes, I am a new Writer and yes, I am new to Tumblr, as I am sure both of those things are painfully apparent.

I get that it is impossible to please everyone. It’s something I’m learning more and more with each passing day. It’s something that gets harder to swallow, even more so.

I’d like to say that being here has been a largely positive experience, with all of these great connections and opportunities. But honestly? It’s been more isolating than anything. I’ve actually never felt more isolated than since I joined a year ago.

As a content creator or even just a general blogger, I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for anything, in fact. I consider myself very low maintenance. I don’t demand/harass/play the martyr for reblogs. I have never mentioned it once, and never will. Some people on here are so damn passive-aggressive about it, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. It’s very stigmatizing. While I completely understand the frustration surrounding the like-to-reblog ratio, I think it’s neither tasteful nor reputable to threaten to call people out for not reblogging your fics. I wish I could say I was joking on that one. But I’ve seen it profoundly. Not cool.

And yet, no one says anything or raises any concern there.

Yet I make metas, harmless rambles, and I get shot down? Seriously?

—I need to “chill”, it’s “overkill”, I’m “overthinking”. I and my content are apparently just so damn arduous to interact with.

If you don’t like me, please just move on. There are plenty of other Bad Batch creators for you to enjoy. You know that. My work is absolutely not the final say, and I’ve never claimed it to be.

What is so wrong, with sharing one’s thoughts? Why do people inherently have a problem with other’s creative efforts? I see it time over again. Why do I feel like if I was making a bunch of smutty posts it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, that it in fact would be infinitely more welcome? (Absolutely NO shade to people who create smut, okay? I’ve made my own share. I admire those bold enough to do so regularly. I absolutely love them. Please teach me your ways).

This ramble really has nothing to do with the most recent event regarding my contributions. Rather, it’s a culmination of experiences over the past several months that have brewed and festered to the point where I can no longer keep downplaying it.

Social media, at its core, is one big popularity contest. It always has been, it always will be. But I’m not here to win. That’s never been my objective. That’s not what I’m about. Surprise (or not), I am not a popular blog. Not by a long shot. I’ll never claim otherwise.

I don’t ask people to view/interact with my content, I’m not an activist, I can’t even fathom exuding that kind of confidence. Even though I, admittedly, crave it. I suspect I crave interaction as much as the next creator. It’s a nice feeling. Yet there’s never been any obligation for it, especially with me, so I don’t understand what the problem is. As I’ve said, there are ample ways for you to block/avoid me. It’s the internet. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for viewing anything you don’t want to.

I came here in the hopes of finding like-minded individuals, uplifting and interacting, and exercising some otherwise stunted creativity.

All Tumblr as taught me is that creating and contributing is largely a thankless, empty endeavor. You can give and give and give and be reduced to nothing. There’s a profound imbalance between “giving” and “receiving”, and in regards to both ends of the scale, it’s became apparent to me that if you don’t cater heavily and in unreasonable degrees or get “noticed” by a popular blog, you get nothing, and your efforts are null and void.

Truthfully? I constantly feel like I walk on eggshells here, and it’s all I can do to not crack under the pressure, even though it’s my blog and my headspace. I should feel comfortable and free to express myself here, and I don’t, and I’m unsure of how to achieve that sense of stability. To be completely honestly I feel like a constant bother and a nuisance. When I post, I literally feel like there is a collective eye-roll that comes with people receiving a notification from my blog. Even though I know, rationally, that can’t be true, that’s an absurd level of thinking. I can’t say I can pinpoint exactly where it stems from.

But regardless: I hardly ever talk about/create the things I actually want. I only recently just got ballsy enough to share some metas, and we all know how well that’s going. I try not to have smut out of respect for my asexual/minor mutuals, even though the tag to blacklist is very much an option. I try not to bring up conflicting topics, Tumblr, political, or otherwise, even though with proper tagging I could. But I try not to even bring that into existence. Even though it’s my right to, I don’t.

I don’t actually feel like I fit into any narrative here, especially in the Bad Batch fandom; even though we are all basically the same steadfast group of bloggers. We all know who we are. We all coexist in the same space. It’s nearly impossible to be unaware of each other, at this point.

And yet, I’m not in a bunch of Discord servers or backed by a team of beta readers and all that jazz. It’s basically just me talking to myself out here. It’s very isolating.

Part of that—most of it—is my own crippling social anxiety, and the genuine belief that I don’t deserve to be in the same space/servers as all of these brilliant creators. Because I’m just me, and there’s not a whole lot of value there. With that mindset, it’s hard to actually feel like I belong anywhere. I know that is a mindset I have to conquer alone.

My excitement over my creations has largely dwindled into nothing. I seldom ever bounce my ideas off of others—another issue that stems from the fear of presenting as a burden—and even though I try to write for myself, even that fire has pretty much died out. I’m not even sure how or if I could even reignite it, at this point. It’s really quite sad. It makes me very sad, actually. All I wanted was to safely ramble, project all my thoughts and creativity that has otherwise been repressed through prolonged detrimental circumstances.

More than anything, I wanted to find and hold onto something that makes me feel useful, meaningful, happy. More and more I wonder if that’s even possible. I don’t think it is, not here. I often wonder if joining and sharing on Tumblr was a horrible mistake. I miss the innocent joy of when I first started creating. It was so simple. I’m trying to find that simplicity again.

But I’m burned out. I’m running on fumes. I have been for some time.

At this point it goes beyond just “taking a break” from Tumblr. It’s the fact that it all feels like this meaningless, monotonous cycle. I wonder every day if I am an isolated case in experiencing these emotions.

And yet, come tomorrow I will still be here, business as usual.

I’m not asking for sympathy or playing the victim or attacking anyone or trying to guilt-trip into more interaction. I am very aware of my shortcomings and incorrect mindsets. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I feel very disconnected from everyone here and it’s lonely. This took a lot for me to share. I will most likely delete this because anxiety will eat me up, as it does with everything I post. Yes, everything.

#personal #lil rambles

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lawschoolruinedme · 4 years

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I just need to write this all out because I can’t keep having it bouncing in my head

Where do I start? I married an addict. I know this. I knew that. For better or for worse means you stand by someone as they struggle to be a better person.

A year into our marriage my mom unexpectedly died. I was already dealing with my own personal complicated relationship with alcohol, and it was easier to drink than to deal with the trauma. But I kept going. Kept moving forward.

My husband’s drinking got bad. His mood got worst. He hated his job. He felt isolated from his few friends; we had moved cities for my work, and he had still not recovered from the pre-me life of being a barfly, where your fellow drinkers feel as close to friends as your lifestyle can sustain.

Two years after my mom died, we attempted therapy. He did not take well to it; the therapist was clear he thought my husband was depressed and struggling and he didn’t think my husband was doing anything to help himself. My husband decided he wanted to stop going. I went a few more times myself. I knew we couldn’t sustain the place we were in.

I told my husband two years ago that if he did not get a handle on himself, I was done. I would told him I wanted to leave. And he asked me for a chance to be better. He acknowledged how bad he had been. We agreed to plan on working forward together.

I always knew my husband enjoyed his beer. He would be fine one second and then the next I would have to make excuses for us to leave whatever social situation we were in. It was like there was no tipsy warning period.

When I was a kid, I knew my mom liked to drink. I didn’t realize how much my parents were drinking until I was an adult. I didn’t realize how often the opaque coffee tumblrs were actually filled with vodka. I didn’t realize how long it would take a normal person to go through a 40 oz bottle. I didn’t realize that was likely where much of our money was going.

A few years after we had been together, my husband and I had been visiting my family when my husband turns to me and says “wow your Mom is drunk, huh?” and it was like... the scene in HIMYM with the glass breaking realization? That was me. Everything wild and fun about my mom was the alcohol. Every conversation she couldn’t seem to remember and brushed off as though there were too many things in her head? That was the vodka talking. I started to recognize the slur in her words. I started to know I had to set times in which I could talk to her - any later than 5pm her time was a lost cause. It changed how I handled her. It changed how I related to her.

My husband used to qualify his drinking. So long as he didn’t miss a day of work, he said, he wasn’t that bad.

After I told him I wanted to leave, things really did get better. He stopped falling asleep on the couch. I stopped seeing the glassy eyes. He was sleeping better. We were having sex again.

And in that period of things getting better, we got pregnant. I had conquered my own demons at that point. Even before I realized I was pregnant and had to, I had quit most drinking. I did not nurse myself to bed with wine to numb myself to sleep. And so quitting for pregnancy, and effectively staying dry and sober for breast feeding came easy to me. Nowadays, one drink gets me a happy buzz. And unless I was away from my daughter, I wouldn’t want any more than that.

My husband took parental leave. We would do sleep shifts with the baby; trading off for six or eight hours so the other could be human. And after a few months, I was due to go back to the office.

I told him, unequivocally, I would not be drinking when the baby was awake. I asked him to please consider doing the same. He had been doing so well - this felt like the logical next step?

Instead, the few months I spent at the office it seemed like his drinking became this money pit that our fragile finances couldn’t sustain. One month he spent $1,000 on beer and liquor. But he hadn’t been glassy eyed? He hadn’t passed out on the couch? I still cannot reconcile how he was drinking ~ 10 beers a day (yes, I did the math) and had seemed so normal?

Things came back under control when he returned to work. I chalked it up to the restlessness of being home, the isolation of spending most of the day with the baby who was only just then starting to seem like a little person herself. I hadn’t seen the signs of the man who had once fallen in the street. I told myself it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t as bad, and I could live with it if it kept getting better.

We have spent many weekends this year camping. It is basically the only covid-safe activity we can find given the baby’s age and my husband’s asthma. In pre-baby days, we used to nurse drinks through the whole day, sitting around the fire and reading. I told my husband, in no uncertain terms, he is the only driver, and I expected that he would be sober and ready to drive if something were to happen to the baby.

Five camping trips. Twice he broke that rule. It was often a matter of “shove some carbs into him and he became human again”, but I still felt sad. Still felt lonely. Still felt like this was a reminder that I was hanging onto hope of things getting better by the thinnest thread.

And this weekend, as I’m trying to explain to him what my parents drinking did to me, what I don’t want it to do to our daughter, how he is almost forty and he needs to start seriously considering that this could kill him, he tells me (as if it was good? I still dont understand) that when it was at its worst, when it was so bad before I threatened to leave him, that I didn’t know how bad it was. That I didn’t know he was often having a beer before leaving for work at 7am. That I didn’t know he was often sharing beers with the guys at work in the cooler at the shop. That I didn’t know how much he had been hiding from me.

This. This is where I have not been able to keep thinking. I know the narrative that led to this place. I know every decision I have made has led me to my daughter.

But how do I deal with this knowledge. How do I deal with the flippancy of what he told me. How do I trust when it has become so clear that my own hawk-eyed observance, of tracking how much is purchased, on hiding the liquor bottles when his mood is bleak, that it was never enough.

How do I trust any of the progress that has been made is real? How do I believe that any of it even is progress anymore - and not just cleverly disguised from me?

I feel like that girl who had her whole perception of her Mom shattered all over again. Who once again has realized that her intuition, her attention, was so wrong.

#personal

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storyplease · 4 years

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So I finally watched “Rise of the Guardians” and I have some thoughts about the major themes in the film...

Anyway, so I know this is a kid’s film or whatever, and I know that this probably WAYYY too in the weeds as far as thoughts are concerned, but what is Tumblr even good for if you can’t rant about fictional characters in peace?

Potential spoilers below cut...

Anyway, so the movie centers around mythical character such as the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, etc, who can be argued are literally and figuratively “unbelievable” beings that require the faith of children (not necessarily the actual knowledge of their existence) to exist. In many ways, they play by the same rules as the American Gods in Neil Gaiman’s story of the same name. But I digress (a theme in my writing, yes?). One of the biggest themes in the movie is the idea of a “center”- each mythical entity has a an unusual “spark” of something that makes them worthy (from what appears to be upon their death) of becoming more than human.

So for example:

Santa Claus: Miracles/Wonder

Easter Bunny: Rebirth/Hope

Tooth Fairy: Remembrance/Connection

Sandy: Joy/Peace

It is established that all of the characters used to be mortal at some point or other, so the universe appears to have a deus ex machina (the Man in the Moon, who appears to run everything, but more on that later) who “decides” when someone is to be bestowed with powers...but who is also rendered intangible to the human beings they depend on for their power to grow until they prove themselves (mostly to children, because children tend to easily trust and believe in all manner of thing without a shred of evidence, and would therefore be much easier to convince to pledge their loyalty to)...somehow.

One of the big parts of Jack Frost’s story arc is that he doesn’t have any memories of who he was before he awoke with his abilities. He doesn’t remember his family or have the ability to have connections with mortals directly, and yet some people do mention his name without seeing him, so it appears that he is able to scrape power here and there. It is also worth mentioning that all of the Guardians appear to be aware of and can interact with Jack, but that they have chosen not to for over 400 years other than a few times where Jack has tried to playfully interact only to be shut down or retaliated against.

When he finally finds his memories, everyone acts really surprised, but it seems odd that this would never have come up before, especially since the Tooth Fairy appears to swoon/love his teeth and might have brought it up (but we shall forgive her a bit as she appears to be absurdly busy running the tooth empire to end all tooth empires).

But the most important part of this revelation is that a lot of Jack Frost’s negative character traits are specifically because he is lonely and has nobody else. He spends his life interacting with a world that cannot see or touch him. Therefore, his center (fun/mischief) becomes twisted and he causes trouble.

When he realizes his past and is able to connect with both mortal children and the other Guardians, his character blossoms! He becomes confident, protective, fun and wisecracking but without malice or bitterness.

He comes into his own, and his power increases.

Which brings me to...you guessed it...the main antagonist of the film.

The character of Pitch is obviously the bad guy. He’s dark, scary, looks kinda like he’s never brushed his teeth unless the toothpaste was made of coal, and is in general menacing and terrifying. He harms the characters, terrifies the children and generally drives the plot for his own selfish ends. After all, he’s known as the “boogeyman.”

His main traits appear to be a penchant for darkness (creating it and hiding in shadow) and causing fear. His lair appears to be in a hole underground that is situated under an old and rotting bed frame. Now there’s a lot of this that could just be taken on the nose. After all, there’s a reason that “there’s a monster under your bed” is a semi-universal kid’s fear.

There’s even a terrible pun about Pitch having a great time in the “Dark Ages.”

The thing is, darkness can mean a lot of things. And so can fear.

Let me back up a bit so I can explain what I’m getting at:

Awhile back, I read an amazingly insightful book called The Gift Of Fear. It has a lot of very good advice on recognizing and using the fear response to protect your safety and your life. Fear is often overlooked as a silly, primal thing, especially when we talk about children and things that go bump in the night, but there is a very good reasons why humans feel a variety of kinds of fear, and many of them are actively useful in preserving your life.

Darkness is essential to life. The day ends, and night falls. Shadows follow our moves and do as we do. Even the human eye cannot bear blue light at night, and artificial lighting has been touted as all kinds of unhealthy by experts and doctors alike.

None of these things are actively evil or wrong, to be sure.

But Pitch has something in common with Jack Frost. And what is that? Why, he is ignored. Nobody believes in him (which I find silly to be honest because I know plenty of kids afraid of the dark or who have nightmares and such).

The whole thing- the theatrical posing, the big scary Villain speech...in the end, Pitch was doing just the same thing that Jack did when he antagonized the Easter Bunny by ruining the egg hunt with frost. He wanted people to pay attention to him, to like him. And because nobody would do so, he decided that negative attention was still attention.

This is backed up by the fact that none of the children are harmed by his nightmare horses when faced with him (they turn into golden sand when touched). They even say, even with thousands of scary black nightmares bearing down on them, that they aren’t scared of him and will protect the Guardians.

I feel like Pitch is overlooking a couple of things when he is trying his ridiculous plan to rule the world in darkness.

First off, he’s backed himself into a corner- he plays the bad guy, of course he isn’t going to win against the heroes. And to some extent, it’s pretty obvious that he knows it. For all his posturing, he often pulls his punches, and even when he destroys Jack’s staff, he still throws it down on the ground and does not take it with him because he is trying to get Jack to see beyond his limitations just as he himself has learned to harness the sand with his darkness.

Secondly, just because kids love Santa and Easter and gifts from tooth fairies, not all kids have perfect upper-middle-class lives like the children in this movie. There is a reason why there are a surprisingly large number of hand-drawn comics that deal with a child making friends with the monster under the bed or even being protected by said monster against an abusive parent or family member.

My feeling here is that Pitch hasn’t truly realized what his purpose is, and that he is actually being held back because....

Pitch’s center is fear.

There’s a reason he’s portrayed as having a lair under a shabby, rotting bed, in darkness. When he was human, his life must have been hellish. I can imagine him hiding in the shadows of his room, crouched under the bed in darkness because the fear of what his father or mother might do to him was eating him alive. In fact, he may have died in that manner, terrified out of his mind and knowing only the darkness to hide him. If this is what the Man in the Moon deemed worthy to change him into his post-mortal form, then is any of this truly his fault?

I might say...no. Being awoken from a hellish world where you are in constant fear to a world in which fear and darkness are the only thing that strengthen you would be its own sort of hell.

We don’t get to see Pitch’s past, but ostensibly the Tooth Fairy has it and knows of it. A tooth is knocked out at the end, so ostensibly it will go in Pitch’s box, or the box of whoever he was when he was mortal.

But furthermore, what if Pitch were able to change the way he thinks about his power and his strength? What if he uses his darkness to conceal children who are in danger, or helps those who are imprisoned to escape? What if he guides children away from danger by using their fear to guide them? What I am saying is that “playing the villain” seems to be the most obvious thing when you’ve only ever known an existence in which you are hated and told you are wrong and bad.

However, if we really sit down and think about it, colored eggs and toys are no more “good” than shielding the weak and vulnerable with your shadows and putting the fear of...something that bumps in the night in the hearts of predators while guiding the fear of the young from forks in outlets and jumps from high places.

In the end, locking a being like Pitch away is a foolish idea because in his loneliness in the darkness, his fear and terror will only grow, driving him into madness in his isolation. Pitch not only has to learn to conquer his own fears (fear or being rejected, fear of being hated) but to also realize that he can be more than a flat villainous character if he wishes to thrive.

He just has to get past the fear.

#rise of the guardians #meta #jack frost #pitch #on fear #on lonliness #tw for light descriptions of abusive behavior

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screamingsilence · 3 years

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Ramblings of a Very Lonely Nobody

Cliffsnots - Single Mom battling C-PTSD while taking care of her Mom and 3 kids desperately wanting to buy a home for family, yet crippled by student loan debt that allowed her to get a decent job after horrific divorce from extremely abusive husband who took everything including her ability to cope, form attachment, and relationships with other people - resulting in her continued detachment and self isolation. ((#ouch I wrote this part at the end - after the below - very accurate and well worded but sucks to read.))

I'm used to this. Desperately used to this. Quiet, silence, ringing in my ears. Obviously that was from way too many concerts. Don't get too excited though, I went to those alone. Or with a concert buddy that I met offline. I did this to myself. Years of terrible coping skills followed by years of disconnect and disassociation - have lead to fight or flight skills that should be taught in military combat schools. I could definitely teach young women every person Red Flags of relationships and the do's and dont's. I can also help anyone draft up an excellent escape plan if needed? What I cannot do is form attachments / relationships / connections - to anyone. I cannot develop safe spaces and spiritually healthy interpersonal connections with anyone.

From the inside looking out: everyone is a danger. Every word out of anyone's mouth is a way to hurt, manipulate, gaslight, damage, get the upper foot, belittle, betray, and/or save information to use against me and black mail me. -- Am I a bad person? Nope. Do I do things that are blackmail worthy? Nope.

I go to work, come home, play with my kids, help them with school work, attempt not to throw the 13 year old off a cliff (damn teenage years), cuddle the 11 year old (she's going through a stage where she is afraid of her own shadow - poor thing) and listen to the 8 year old talk, and talk, and talk -- (and talk - and talk - Autism, w/adhd and a day of online school = a lot of talking when I get home).Years of moving around as a child - Military Brat, followed by years of being cheated on, and then an extremely abusive marriage, and a drawn out divorce, and being forced to cooperant with my abuser ... I created a bubble. The bubble was to protect the kids and me. It worked - really well. I tried so hard to do everything to keep us safe. And in return, they have thrived, and I have not.

Aside from my work - which struggles on the social / popularity side. And lets face it - when you are a women in the workforce - you have to have the popular vote to get anywhere. Not just looks, but the popular vote. It really doesn't matter how well you work, how good your work ethic is, you must look good and be really sociable. So that part is a real struggle for me.

So, here I am. 1245 AM, lonely. About to be 33, absolutely NO friends. (Not even exaggerating anymore). I am a divorced, single woman with 3 children. I support my unwell mother, in one of the most expensive cities and once my savings run out out (hopefully I can stretch it another few months) we are looking at homelessness. But because I technically make "too much money" ((still less than 40k)) I don't qualify for anything. The degree of abuse and torture I have endured in my life puts me in a place were any sort of relationship for the sake of the kids / for the sake of owning a home / or a better rental or anything is out of the question. Every time I try to date - I panic. I can feel the strangulation all over again. I had EMDR - It really helped. I was able to function again. I was able to work and take care of my children again. I was able to recall the memory and not full on black out from the panic.

But, I am no closer now than I was back then to being able to be with anyone. And this is 10 years later. But sometimes I do wonder - If i could just suck it up - If i could just gather the courage and strength - or maybe there was a different medication I could be on - I could meet someone and make it to the point where we could be sort of happy and get a home? The kids --- I want to give them so much better than I had. After the divorce I knew I needed to do something to make sure they had a good life. I enrolled in college. But I was so young and didn't have any real role models. I was taken for the fool that I was. As I write this I am 89k in student loan debt. It really wont matter how much money I make. I wont ever be able to pay that back. Each year I do the repayment options and each year the gov't tells me I don't make enough money to pay them back. So they put me in the Income repayment bracket and I pay $0. Rumor has it, If I don't default on that for 30 years - My Loans will go away. So In 30 years I can buy a home. That hurts. So Much.

Make better choices, do better, stupid people get what they deserve, you chose this path, its what you wanted, you get what you deserve. I worked so hard when I was younger. I was so smart. I tried so hard to be everything. I had plans, I had it all mapped out.

When we were younger - I was asked to stop college to help my brother who had been accepted to an amazing University that my parents were having a hard time paying for. I had chosen to go to a local community college and was paying my way and was going to do the transfer program and that transfer program could have been full ride depending on my grades and grants etc. I quit school. I started working. So my parents could send that money to my brothers school. I had dropped out of highschool, gotten my GED and enrolled into college by 17. ((Military brat - credits didn't transfer and the new highschool was trying to consider me a freshmen. I was in college from 17-18. I was not having any of it).

By 18 I was working full time to help keep my brother in College. By 19 I was pregnant. by 20 I was pregnant with #2. By 21 I was married. My life spiraled so fast out of control. It took me years to get the logistics of it back on track. By 26 I had 2 college degrees. A good job field. By 28 I realized Something maybe was broken inside of me. By 29 it was more and more apparent but I was becoming really engaged in my kids and my work life. 30-31 I started to focus on my body and my work and my kids. Enter 32 // Covid / Work / Kids / less physical health. Here we are - 33 right around the corner. Crippling Student Loan debt. Zero Friends. 4 Humans Depending on me. I have a pill case. One of those AM/PM ones. People at work report me for RBF. (That one makes me laugh a little).

I just bared my soul to strangers on Tumblr. Is this not the epitome of lonely?

(Not suicidal)This is probably more cathartic than anything. Maybe?

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mithosgrid · 4 years

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Steven Aunivere: Crazy Diamond, the Magical Boy

~Prologue~

10,000 years ago the human world Earth was watched over by its unseen guardians, the Gem World. Gem World was a magical place with technology beyond human imagination even now, with their powerful magic and science they protected us.

One day however everything changed, the leader of the four royal sisters of Gem World White the Clarity chose o have her forces invade Earth, her sisters shocked and one in particular appalled had no idea what had come over her chose to stand up to white, this was Pink the Precocious the youngest and most clever of the sisters.

Pink could not stand what had happened and noticed how her sisters Blue the Empathic and Yellow the Stalwart seemed to change as well, their hearts growing darker she was face on all sides as the last to be thinking clearly. Pink ever the clever one discovered a ritual with which she could sever the connection between Earth and Gem World, gathering the sacred treasures and her loyal followers she stood against White and in the battle her followers were struck down, Pink however would not relent and broke the binds between the two worlds and to ensure White would never endanger the Earth again she used forbidden magic to split herself and White's souls in two with the bulk of their power and hearts to be reincarnated on Earth as humans.

Pink and White's shells now isolated twisted and contorted became the Pink Monster and Black Diamond, yet sealed between the two worlds they were to forever sleep. Many centuries later Yellow the Stalwart and Blue the Empathic succeeded in bringing the sleeping Black Diamond to Gem World, the duo using the combined power of the three of them to open a portal to Earth with which they sent their soldiers.

Rose Quartz rising up, a young woman who had discovered her gem magic inside her human heart raised a force of warriors: Pearl, Garnet, Ruby, Sapphire, Bismuth and the mysterious Snow, Snow becoming Rose's best friend and companion along with the enigmatic Earl Snow's vassal and Pearl's apparent long lost sister. This force of noble human gems called the Crystal Gem Warriors drove back the invading forces of Gem World. Snow and Rose going so far as to head to Gem World themselves and facing down Yellow and Blue who recognized the hearts of their sisters explained their relation and turned the two against one another as their memories began to flood back.

Snow being driven mad as she sensed Black Diamond's darkness and battled Rose who was adamant of their connection. "We should not have to fight Snow, we have been like sisters and discovering we once were we should be stronger then ever!" Rose's words echoing to Snow, however she could not speak, she could not for in this moment she was White the Clarity. Snow casting a long and pale shadow as she lunged with her staff wearing the widest and most insane grin.

Flashes of light, sounds of the clashing of weapons as the two former friends battled at the Gem World castle. Rose blocking as many of the swings and thrusts, unable to draw her sword on her friend. "Rose, Rose, Rose don't you see we who were outcasts on Earth can be gods here why should that be wrong Starlight?!" Snow's words weakening Rose's resolve, he opening just enough as Snow smacked Rose's shield away and sent her flying across the crystaline castle landscape.

Rose crying, tears streaming down her face as for a split second her mind went blank and when she recovered she screamed at the top of her lungs in terror. "S-S-Snow...........I-I didn't mean to!" Rose quivering as she was suddenly holding her sword, Snow impaled on it as she laughed and laughed, her staff having been somehow flung back and impaling Black Diamond's lifeless large form on her throne it now twitching as her body began to radiate an aura of pure destruction, the entire castle pulsing and cracking apart causing Yellow and Blue to flee while Rose and Snow fell back into the portal that had brought them home.

Rose opening her eyes as her head was resting on Pearl's lap, the pale and skinny girl hugging her beloved leader. "Oh Rose I thought I had lost you when you and Snow went ahead, what happened did you stop the Diamond Authority from opening their full gateway?"

The poofy pink haired woman looking at her blood stained hand and gasping, she looked at the concerned Pearl which made her shake her head and try to recompose herself. "I-I am fine and yes we did it, but Snow..............I suppose Snow is gone?" Rose looking around and not seeing her once beloved friend, the warioress still unsure of what had truly happened. "Lets go home Pearl, round up the others."

Unbeknownst to Rose Snow had survived, the woman weakened and near death wandering off to be found by Earl, who herself had been hurt in the epic battle with her left eye bleeding and her larynx cut. The two damaged women slinking off for Earl would not lose her beloved lady, the one she had sworn to eternally serve.

The two recovering and Snow now so weakened she could never use her powers ever again living out her long life, the lady of white now more fragile, more wise, and more solemn then before she nevertheless found love. However her beloved disappeared and Snow with child was told by a doctor that her body damaged and still weak after so many years would mean she could never have a baby safely was faced with a choice. "Earl what do I do? This child is all I have left of him, I want my baby so badly yet they said it could cost me, the baby or both our lives?" The pale girl with the pink hair contently smiling as she raised her right hand. "My lady, you have been so lonely for so long, you want this so badly you must follow your heart." Earl signing as she often did everything, for so long it had been just the two of them yet she knew that was never enough for Snow. "I will support you and the child, I swear on my life."Snow clasping Earl's hand and smiling back.

It was to be the last true tender moment between them as Snow would die in childbirth, holding her baby only once and handing it to Earl and asking. "You have served me so loyally for so long, you are my oldest friend please watch over him as you have me, that is my final request." Snow smiling in true bliss as she quietly passed.

Earl crying from her hetocromia eyes and sniffling as she flung her head back and cradled the baby close.

Hard stomping on crystal floors echoing out through a darkened hallway as a mysterious woman with huge wide shoulders, long white shaggy hair down to her combat boot wearing feet clomped into a darkly lit throne room and took a knee. "My Diamond I am here."

"Excellent Jasper, we are ready to begin the first wave of invasion and you are to supervise we must gain enough energy to awaken black Diamond and open a portal large enough to invade en mass." Sitting in a tall golden throne peering yellow eyes with diamond iris's looked down at the well built lady warrior who stood and saluted.

"Rest assured I already have some plans in place, as one of the four great yellow generals I shall not fail." The large woman turning her back on her lady and grinning wide with a look of utter menace.

To be Continued........

Special Thanks to Chekhov an amazing artist and comic writer over on Tumblr and Tapas, be sure to check the work out its amazing.

Also I know Steven is NOT even in this chapter, he will be in Chapter 1 I promise. ;3

#steven universe #white diamond #white steven #au oc #magical girl #chekov #fanfic

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alexannah · 4 years

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MLB: Character Theory

***season three spoilers***

I’m no psychologist, but I’ve had some thoughts about Chloé Bourgeois that have made me look at her in an entirely new light …

First of all, let me say that this is entirely speculation. I’m not saying this is definitely canonical. But it’s a thought that occurred to me when I started exploring a plot idea last night, and it’s certainly an interesting way to consider Chloé’s character. (But the more I think about it, the more I believe it.) (Also after writing all of this, it occurred to me to do a Tumblr search to see if someone had got there before me. Although some of this has definitely been touched on, I haven’t found anything which puts it all together.)

Chloé became added to my list of favourite characters very recently (a couple of weeks ago), despite what happened in Miracle Queen. Actually if it hadn’t been for that episode, she might not have done; which sounds weird, but although I warmed up to her a lot in season 2 and loved the development of her character we saw in that, I wouldn’t have called her one of my favourites until the urge to write her a redemption arc struck. (And I am. Several. But, not the point of this post …)

Anyway, so this theory is about why she is the way she is. And I know we already have plenty of canonical evidence for that, but I’m going to dig a bit deeper …

To recap the obvious:

André Bourgeois. He’s spoiled Chloé rotten by giving her anything she wants, and has no backbone whatsoever, so the few times he’s not sure about giving into her demands, he usually does anyway. The only time I can think of when he does say ‘no’ is when she demands he close down the school, and then right afterwards when she and Audrey decide to move to New York. Giving your child whatever they want is terrible parenting enough on its own, but since he’s the mayor, she ends up getting whatever she wants from other people as well just by threatening to call “my daddy”. Case in point: Despair Bear, when everyone’s punished except her, the actual culprit. He abuses his own power for her, as evidenced in Rogercop; and yet I headcanon that the reason he said no in Malediktator was because he knew that closing a school down just because his daughter told him to would cause an uproar, and he was too afraid of losing his position. Also why he didn’t want to go to New York, because he loves his power too much.

Now Audrey Bourgeois. She comes on the scene not long after the first sign of Chloé character development we get, which I bet is no accident. She’s also a power abuser, firing people without a second thought for minor or even non-existent crimes, including people she has no actual power to fire. She has a huge ego, demands the best, and basically is a total bitch. If it wasn’t obvious enough from all of that that Chloé mimics her, the fact that they have the same catchphrase basically seals it.

(Now I’ve added that picture, and look: she is literally mimicking her mother.)

So on one hand we have a parent who panders to Chloé’s every whim, and on the other we have one who sets a terrible example of how to treat other people.

But I’m beginning to think there is more to Chloé’s bad behaviour than that.

We know that, at some point before the show began, Audrey took off for New York. We don’t know when exactly that was, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it was several years ago. Chloé herself says that she “felt so sad”, which is completely understandable, even if they didn’t have the most loving relationship. (Which they obviously didn’t.) We can only guess whether or not they had any contact while Audrey was away, but if they did, I doubt it was very much. Even when Audrey comes back, at least at first, she’s dismissive of Chloé, ‘firing’ her for something as trivial as her choice of gift wrap, getting her name wrong repeatedly (which I’ll come back to in a moment), and she clearly struggles to say the words “I love you”.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that’s pretty neglectful behaviour. And Chloé’s response is pretty heartbreaking. Despite her mother having left her and ignored her for goodness knows how long, she still gets her a gift (this being a girl who doesn’t even get gifts for Adrien herself—it’s possible she had Sabrina get this one too, but I don’t think so), and tries to impress her. When Audrey eventually does accept her, it’s only because she realises Chloé is “just like” her. That’s not unconditional love.

(On a side note, I think it was pretty sweet of Marinette to do that, though in the end I don’t think it was particularly good for Chloé’s character development. But that’s not the point of this post.)

It makes sense for a child who’s been abandoned by a parent to have some abandonment issues, and this is where I finally get to the point! See, I think there’s more to Chloé’s bad treatment of other people than simply mimicking her mother, or because she holds herself above them, or just doesn’t think of other people’s feelings. I think those things are all true, but I also think there is another reason, and that is a fear of getting close to people. A subconscious one, most likely, but one that results in her intentionally keeping people at an emotional distance.

There is one particular reason I think this, and that is Butler Jean. One of his lines from Despair Bear: “I’m sure mademoiselle can remember when she was a little girl; when Mr Cuddly was always nice to mademoiselle when she was sad.”

I draw two things from that. One, that Jean has been in that job at least since Chloé was little, if not before. And two, that when she was little, he used to make Mr Cuddly ‘be nice to her’, showing that Jean used to comfort her when she was upset. He’s one of the very few characters who show Chloé genuine affection, so you would think that Chloé would appreciate that. Yet she treats him as badly as she treats everyone else, going as far to call him the wrong name, a different wrong name, every time she addresses him.

Audrey does the exact same thing with Chloé; calling her a different wrong name; though in Audrey’s case she does actually correct herself, at least when we see her do it in Queen’s Battle. Whether Audrey does it on purpose or is really that forgetful of her own daughter’s name, I don’t know. But in Chloé’s case, I think she must know Jean’s real name. If he’s been waiting on her for most of her life, paying her more sincere affection than either of her parents, I just do not buy her really not knowing it at all. Either she pretends not to know it, or she’s repressed it. But if she actually tried, I’m sure she could recall it.

Now to the three people other than Audrey that Chloé does not treat like dirt:

First, Miss Bustier. Chloé is more respectful to her than she is to other adults, and clearly likes her (as evidenced in Zombiezou when she wanted to give her a present); but I think the fact that she’s her teacher and therefore is expected to keep a certain professional distance is enough to keep her from wanting to push her away, if that makes sense.

Next, Adrien. We know that the two of them have been friends since they were toddlers. We also know that Adrien had a lonely, isolated childhood. And that, I think, is the crucial reason why Chloé is never mean to him. Nowadays, I’m sure her crush on him comes into it, especially since he has other friends now. But when they were younger, she knew he was as reliant on her friendship as she was on his. And therefore he was the one person she could be certain would never leave her.

Now to Ladybug. As we all know, prior to season three, Ladybug was Chloé’s idol. The reasons for this are never explicitly stated, but I reckon it’s because Ladybug is universally adored and admired, and Chloé knows full well that she’s hated: “I have no reason to be here. Nobody likes me; I have no friends; I’m useless.” She clearly didn’t want to become a superhero in order to do the right thing, or otherwise she wouldn’t have deliberately jeopardised the Metro train; instead she craves the admiration, and we know she became Queen Bee in response to Audrey dismissing her and offering Marinette the chance of a lifetime. (Only now noticed she actually has tears in her eyes in this moment; see the picture below.) The fact she wanted to be Queen Bee for the wrong reasons is greatly criticised by the people who don’t like her, but it just makes me feel more sorry for her.

(With regard to the ‘I have no friends’ thing, I always thought of that as an odd thing for her to say, because of Adrien and Sabrina. I’m still not one hundred percent certain on why she says this, but I don’t think it’s because she’s trying to get Ladybug to feel sorry for her. At least in that moment, she clearly believes it.)

Becoming a superhero was a dream come true for her, so when she started to realise that Ladybug was neglecting her in favour of other superheroes, it’s no wonder she was hurt. As usual with Chloé, it showed itself in anger. When Ladybug actually explains to her that she can’t give her the bee Miraculous back, and why, I now think Chloé reacted the way she did because she felt like, once again, she was being abandoned. This time by her idol.

I’m not saying this excuses her eventually accepting Hawk Moth’s offer, but I do think it explains it better than Chloé just having a tantrum over not being a superhero anymore. When Hawk Moth (very manipulatively) says “You’re Ladybug’s biggest fan. You’ve helped her. You’ve trusted her. And what has she done for you in return?” Chloé responds, “Nothing! She couldn’t care less about me!” Which is not true, and Chloé should have known this, because Ladybug specifically told her that not giving the Miraculous back was “for your own safety”. But Chloé’s response says, to me, that she felt betrayed. Feelings of abandonment are not necessarily rational. Back in Miraculer, when she said “I understand,” I think she was trying really hard to accept Ladybug’s explanation. I do. But she clearly was hurt, as evidenced by ripping up the photo of her and Ladybug and saying she didn’t want to pretend to be her anymore when playing with Sabrina. Then time went on, and then Ladybug chose Ryuko when it was Chloé’s own parents that had been akumatized, and that was just the last straw. She forgot what Ladybug had said, and she forgot all the times before that when Ladybug had helped her, out of feeling personally rejected.

When I’d written all of this out and went back to the episodes to check the accuracy of my quotes, I was much closer to crying than I had ever been watching those moments.

If this is canon, then it gives me hope, because I don’t see how the writers can not give her the redemption she needs. If her abandonment issues are addressed/dealt with, if she finds people who accept and care about her no matter what she’s done (I’m looking at Jean and Miss Bustier here—possibly Adrien, but I think it might take him a while to forgive her considering he and Ladybug were personally hurt by her actions), I think she could actually change for the better on a more permanent basis.

As I’ve written this post, I’ve come to believe more and more in my conclusion. Really, now I think about Chloé in this light, I don’t blame the writers for what they did. As destructive to Chloé’s development as it seems, it was a logical and in-character plot direction. Hawk Moth had already taken advantage of knowing Queen Bee’s identity to distract her during Heroes’ Day; there was no way he would pass up on using it against her again. He knows Chloé personally and was able to press all the right buttons to tap into her unresolved issues. What happened wasn’t just foreshadowed in Miraculer; it was probably inevitable. But that doesn’t mean Chloé can’t come back from it.

I’ve also said before and I’ll say it again; Chloé was fated to be Queen Bee, and I don’t believe that was because her destiny was to betray Ladybug and Cat Noir. I’m starting to think that she’ll be the key to the heroes’ eventual victory. Perhaps because Hawk Moth now sees her as an ally (or at the very least a pawn he can manipulate), she’ll be able to use that against him in the end. So Miracle Queen had to happen in order for them to win.

I hope this proves hopeful to everyone else who felt let down by the season three finale.

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subtextread · 3 years

Text

My mama, and I, are so set in our ways. My mom can’t help but say triggering things - I perhaps can’t help by being triggered by maybe mundane things. It’s work (Work™) not Reacting, and I’m working very hard at it because we are in a scary pandemic and my dad already died this year.

But after washing dishes and saying a goodbye which felt loaded for me and probably/hopefully just flew over her head, I think it was natural to find myself thinking about my dad. My dad had such little access to me - even when circumstances changed and I grew up. He was just grateful to spend time with me and see me. There were times he wanted influence over my life, what parent doesn’t, but it wasn’t the entirety or even a majority of our relationship. I don’t say this as a critique of my mama - she and her side of the family had to do the raising and all the actual work of caregiving, so it’s natural that she also wants a heavy hand in transforming me into what she thinks is right. I’m just saying that there was a balance there. Maybe in safe, well-adjusted families that balance exists with both parents as a unit. With mine it was polarized between them. All that to say, I felt that balance palpably growing up and I wonder if I ever conveyed outwardly to my dad or even to myself in recognition that I appreciated the unconditional nature of his love.

The one year anniversary of my father’s death is in about three weeks. It feels like it was just yesterday. I was writing on tumblr the day it happened because pen to paper was too hard (it’s still kind of hard).

I have hit many roadblocks with processing his death. No death of this magnitude can be easy, but the isolation is unbearable. I will never be able to see my father’s final resting place. When I think of him, there is so little tangible to hold or places to go.

After seeing my mom I ended up driving to the last place he lived when he was here. It was hard. Trying to hold vigil, trying to manifest ritual in these circumstances feels like grasping at vapor, at punishing myself and trying to discipline out memories of places and images that must be somewhere in my mind. It’s also hard because my father lived a life of such transience. His last home in the city was an affordable housing unit, but it’s in a glitzy part of Old Town in Chicago with super commercial streets all around. The building is gated and secured because it is, by its nature, a place people try to access for sanctuary. I was only there for a few minutes. It didn’t feel right to be there, seeing its gentle and cheery Christmas-light bedecked lobby several feet behind the fence while people in need of sanctuary waited outside.

I remember my dad’s unit. If any of you have read the screenplay to Brokeback Mountain, when Alma Jr, Ennis’s daughter, comes to visit him at the end of the book, she’s saddened by the utilitarian nature of his dwellings. That’s how my dad lived too. Is it how all divorced, working class dads with adult daughters live? He had his inflatable mattress on the ground, a hearty and healthily stocked fridge, a TV that only kind of worked, a dial radio, a small closet of pretty chic dad clothes and fancy leather shoes, a lot of magazines and library books. That was it.

I drove around Old Town a little. I could see him walking around there. I could see where he’d post his mail and where he’d board the red line, and where he’d go get groceries.

I went to our old apartment. It was the apartment I was born in, and where my father probably last lived a full 20 years ago. When my parents were together, our family occupied several of the units in the building. This apartment was the backdrop of all of my baby videos and photos. After my parent’s divorced, my dad stayed there still. It was super shitty, to be honest, and at the time, mice-infested haha, but I didn’t know any better. It was home. Its crappiness kind of made it a place of some level of abandon. Once it was just my dad (but even before then), he - and I guess the whole family - had given up on me not drawing on the walls so at some point everything under three feet was just Scribbles, for example.

During that period where it was just my dad in that apartment, I remember a few things - my dad had hung up his target practice headshot sheets (from... work? he was a security guard) on the walls, lol #art. He once made a makeshift swing which hurt my butt and broke a lot but was fun anyway.

One time - ha - I found a tube of bright pink lipstick in the bathroom and subsequently used it to adorn the scribbly walls with a pop of color. I distinctly remember as a kid being like this is weird, but okay. And now, as an adult, I wish I had a camera on me when the implications of my lone, always alone, dad having a random singular tube of hot pink lipstick in his bathroom dawned on me l o l. I was driving down the highway to my childhood home and after being the lady calculating numbers meme for a hot second started cackling hysterically Through The Tears™. My father was just a person, after all. We are all just people. Full, complete, independent people with lives that are always somewhat secret from our loved ones.

I got to our old apartment and there are these two big rocks that have just been there decoratively on this Chicago corner for 30 years at this point. One of them used to be a white/light gray, smooth stone and the other one was a rugged rock with one fully geode encrusted face. I distinctly remember being little enough to climb on them (the white one was slippery, the geode one had purchase making it easy to climb). They’re still there, although now I could literally just climb from one to the other like they were steps on a set of stairs lmao, and the white one has been darkened thanks to city grime ✨. That was the strongest memory of this particular vantage point of our home that I have. All other memories are from the window looking outward, like waiting for my dad’s taxi (like all immigrant south asian dads, mine too was a taxi driver at one point) while listening to the sounds of traffic on wet pavement after the rain.

I texted my brother to ask if he remembered which floor we lived on. He said “wow, weird”. He had just had a dream of our apartment last night. My brother is currently about a half a day ahead of me time-wise, so I think he was both very surprised by our connected subconscious and also perhaps a little concerned that I was visiting no longer familiar neighborhoods at 1 in the morning. But my brother is gentle about this. He didn’t have much of a relationship with my father, his stepfather. He was the first person I called when I was told of his death and he soothed me in all the perfect ways as I drove the 15 minutes it took to get to my mom’s from work. He told me I had been a good daughter, that my father had loved me with the entirety of his being and had lived solely for me, and that I had made him proud and that he had known I had loved him. I wept and wept apologizing that he had to comfort me over someone he had a difficult relationship with, over a stepfather who hadn’t treated him the best, and I could hear him shrug over the phone. He said my father had been a simple man who was constrained by a difficult life and that he had not any ill will towards him. May God protect my brother always, inshAllah.

It’s funny attempting to create ritual, chasing some sort of catharsis or relief in places that felt loaded with meaning, but on physical approach, are devoid of it. My father’s most recent place does not hold his spirit, my birthplace apartment is now occupied by another family and probably furnished up to code. I arrived back to my place having had a stilted cry, a period of smug laughter, a nice conversation with my brother, and now a headache. I’m still stuck in some ways. I’m still figuring out how to process a grief that has elusive, elusive memories attached to it and nothing physical to represent it. But I tried, and my earlier hurt from my mom doesn’t feel all that present anymore. We will keep on trying.

#grief blogging #tw: death

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ladyautie · 4 years

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get to know me more!

@funyasm tagged me and I’m bored after writing my chapter, so here it is!

✨ what do you prefer to be called name wise?

My name’s Sophie. My friends call me Spencou or Spence. We met on a Role-Playing game forum where I played a character named Spencer. We’re used to call each other by our characters’ names and nicknames, most of the time. My brother calls me Sis’.

✨ when is your birthday?

15th november 1993.

✨ where do you live?

Paris, France.

✨ three things you are doing right now?

I’m watching an episode of AT4W on youtube, scrolling on Tumblr and I’m drinking a coffee.

✨ four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

Definitely It and especially Eddie Kaspbrak and the ship Reddie. I’m kinda obsessed right now, writing fanfic, reading fanfic, daydreaming about it and all.

I just played the Last of Us 2 and I’m currently watching a let’s play from my favorite youtubers, Mari and Stacy from Geek Remix. I’ll probably read a few fics as well.

The tv show Barry (HBO) is a definite special interest for me. I’m probably going to watch it all once again real soon and I’m planning on writing a fanfic or two in the future. I’m dying for the third season to come.

Finally, I’m probably going to be super into The Umbrella Academy once again, when the second season will be released. I’m just really into Vanya, Klaus and Allison and I can’t wait to see more of them.

✨ how is the pandemic treating you?

None of the people I know have been contaminated, so I’m lucky about that. I’m not quarantined anymore, back to work, and the transition is not easy.

I feel like I’m more openly autistic than I used to be and that I can’t stand the rest of the world for a long period of time. I’ve experienced multiple meltdowns and shutdowns and I have real difficulties to socialize with most people or to focus on my work.

I feel incredibly naked and vulnerable whenever I’m leaving my flat without my mask on, so I think that’s definitely something I’m gonna have to work on in the future.

Leaving Paris and meeting my folks for my mother’s wedding, I found myself surrounded by people who mostly didn’t care about the virus, kissing each other on the cheek in true french fashion to say hello, hugging, not wearing a mask, not respecting any kind of social distance.

I was quickly overwhelmed by all of that, plus the noise, and I had to isolate myself in my parents’ car, sobbing hysterically and willing to suffer in a overheated car if it meant having a bit of peace.

There are definitely going to be long-term consequences. I can only hope that my physical health will remain okay, though.

✨ song you can’t stop listening right now?

Keep On by Sasha Sloan. I just really love the lyrics and the message.

✨ recommend a movie.

Whenever I have to think of a movie to recommend, Frank by Lenny Abrahamson is the first one that comes to my mind. This movie is an obsession for me since the first time I watched it and I often find myself watching it again and again. Despite its heavy subjects, it’s definitely a comfort movie for me.

Too often, movies featuring mentally ill characters will aim for the characters to “get better”, which doesn’t mean for them to find healthy ways to cope with their issues, but usually for them to look more “neurotypical-like”, if you know what I mean. Frank doesn’t go that way at all. On the contrary, it pushes the viewer to empathize with the main characters and to understand their point of view, their way of being.

It’s so incredibly comforting to watch a movie featuring mental illness realistic and not romanticized and to have the movie say “you’re different and you have issues, but you’ll find your tribe someday and be able to find your own happiness, even if it’s unconventional by society’s standards”.

I don’t know, I just have so much feelings about this movie. Plus the music slaps, the humor is hilarious (kudos to the random French guy who can perfectly understand English but refuses to utter a single word if it’s not in French) and the actors are truly on point (I can only salute Domnhall Gleeson, among everyone else who is also worthy of praise, because he definitely managed to make me hate his character in a way I almost never hated a character before).

Watch it!

✨ how old are you?

I’m 26 years old.

✨ school, university, occupation, other?

I used to be a librarian, but I couldn’t find a stable job in this field, so I passed an entrance examination and I’m now working in the tax administration. Yeah, not really glamorous, but it pays the bills and I’m accommodated for my disability, so it helps.

✨ do you prefer hot or cold?

Definitely cold. When I was a kid, I used to swim in mountain lakes, at temperatures close to 13° celsius, and I still take my showers mostly cold. I can’t stand heat, I get headaches very easily when it’s sunny and I’m getting confused easily whenever it’s too hot. I recently had a nosebleed at work so intense that I found myself spitting blood (it went better once I got a fan, making the temperature bearable).

✨ name one fact others may not know about you.

I used to be allergic to my own sweat when I was around 18, until my early twenties. Whenever I was doing a mild physical effort or getting stressed out, I would get hives and itchy skin rash all over my whole freaking body, which was so exhausting that I would fall asleep immediately as soon as the rash was gone.

It disappeared as suddenly as it appeared, without me ever doing something about it. I still don’t know why I experienced that and if I’m going to experience that ever again. I hope not.

✨ are you shy?

My autism makes social interactions complicated, but I’d say I’m mostly impaired by my social anxiety and the various traumas I’m dealing with daily.

Traumas I got after having been bullied pretty badly by kids and teachers during my school years, my stepfather being borderline abusive and different traumatic experiences, including my childhood crush dying from a ski accident when I was 15 or so (and me never being able to tell him that I loved him) and people betraying me so many times that I can’t even recall every little thing.

As a result, I find myself doubting constantly that I’m worthy of love, affection and respect and I often wonder when I’ll do or say the “wrong” thing that will cause me to lose everyone I care about. I also have a hard time knowing who I am and, as a result, allowing everyone to know who I am as well.

I often don’t know what to say and will find myself keeping my mouth shut, even on topics I’m knowledgeable about, because I’m scared of people shutting me down, among other things. My friends make it easier for me to talk about things I like and all, but I’m still heavily doubting myself.

I try to challenge myself regularly. I’ll force myself to take part in events that are taxing or that are forcing me to perform in front of people. That’s how I found myself taking part in the casting part of the french equivalent of “American Idol” (I merely met the pre-judges, but I did manage to sing my whole song in front of them). I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.

✨ do you have any preferred pronouns?

I’m using she/her, but I don’t mind people using they/them to talk about me if they don’t want to be gender-specific.

✨ any pet peeves?

I hate how people can freely and openly be homophobic, racist, ableist, transphobic, sexist and so on, but as soon as I open my mouth to let them know that what they said/did wasn’t appropriate, I’m labelled as one of those “hysterical feminists” or a “party pooper”. s/ Sorry if your antisemitic joke isn’t making me laugh, my “dear” colleague... /s I hate whenever people infantilize me, especially my mom. She’s still keeping an eye on my bank account, despite me telling her that I didn’t want her to do so again and again. I don’t dare to block her out, because I’m scared of her emotional reaction. I hate the ugliest parts of fandom, notably the obsession with “who’s topping / who’s bottoming” whenever there’s a gay pairing or the racism / ableism / transphobia / homophobia I’ve witnessed again and again.

I don’t dare to engage in the Last of Us 2 fandom because of that and the way some people describe the character of Abby (a very muscular woman), focusing on her physical appearance and calling her awful names (being downright transphobic when they thought that she was the transgender character that Naughty Dog announced there would be in their game).

✨ what’s your favorite “dere” type?

I had to google it, because aside from Yandere and Tsundere, I didn’t know a thing about it. I guess you could say I’m a Dandere (someone who is quiet and asocial. They are afraid to talk, fearing that what they say will get them in trouble.).

My favorite type is Kuudere though, when it comes to anime in particular (someone who is calm and collected on the outside, and never panics. They show little emotion, and in extreme cases are completely emotionless, but may be hiding their true emotions. They tend to be leaders who are always in charge of a situation.).

My favorite anime character, Kiyotaka Ayanokōji from the anime Classroom of the elite, is the most extreme case I can think about. He’s completely expressionless for most of the anime, talks with a very dull voice and it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking about at all times or what’s his overall plan. His hidden depth makes him all the more fascinating. He managed to keep me interested in a mostly meh anime.

✨ rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

It’s a bit hard, but somewhere around 5 or 6? I went through tons of crap in my life but I’m still here and able to live on my own, even if my quality of life isn’t all that good. I live with nearly daily suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and have to compose with my meltdowns and anxiety attacks as well. I feel “other” most of the time and I can’t relate to most people I’m meeting and interacting with, which can sometimes feel very lonely.

On the other hand, I have wonderful friends who are willing to put up with my trauma crap and are overall amazing to talk to and be around. I have a cat I love dearly. They’re the reason why I’m still alive to this day, giving me a reason to say fuck off to my suicidal thoughts.

✨ what’s your main blog?

My main blog is Ladyautie and is about autism. I have another blog, reddie-4-more, focusing on the It movies and Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier.

✨ is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

So, uh, don’t be weirded out by the kind of things I can tell you about my past. Even if it seems a lot, all of it is definitely true.

For example, I was almost kidnapped when I was around 8 or 9 by a random guy, while I was camping with my father.

My father and my paternal grandmother actually kidnapped me and my brother when I was around two and I stayed with him until the social workers determined that my mother had to raise us again because our well-being and overall life were threatened.

Lots of events of my life seem far-fetched or out of a movie / a book or something and I had people telling me that I must be lying or that I’m over-exaggerating, something that always hurts deeply.

I’m terribly awkward and more or less openly autistic, so you’re definitely going to notice something different about me. I can’t change for you and I’m not willing to hide my traits only to make you feel more comfortable about frequenting me, so if you can’t handle my socially anxious and disabled ass, then just leave.

I need people to actually tell me what they think or feel. I’m very “first degree” and I’m pretty bad at guessing what people are thinking about. Don’t be afraid to be frank.

Finally, never, and I mean never, infantilize me. I’m a 26 years old woman. I’m not a kid.I’m fine with my friends offering to help or making sure that I’m okay or so, but never assume that I don’t understand something and don’t force your help on me if I say that I’m okay.

That’s it, those who want to take part in this exercise, don’t hesitate!

#tag game #not entirely autism related #suicide mention

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sirjustice249-blog · 4 years

Text

Tricks, tricks and tricks of the day Homey

Along time Nairobi and check on net many cities with such temperatures when was made good like now we know how to make roads and buildings as explained below, could take 1 to hell if u enjoyed the lifestyle, music, food or schooling as opposed to many world cities of harsh climatic conditions like snow and high temperatures or high rainfall.

They wanted to be like fucking me, so i resorted to abortion, can be excuse in judgement time to acquit ya of hell fire. Hindu their being here they think they will land many in hell fire but with excuse not, rather they stay away like shifting ya body parts as much as brain to give ya new harsh characters that makes ya to commit the very sin upon which u r judged.

Cargo drone in the link below can be used to ship electronic being ordered online from ya parent nation where what u have ordered they don’t have in store and accumulates others orders as well to form many b4 they resort to the above drone to ship their ordered machines to their nation at no extra cost thereby making super-normal profits as this the excuse they give women as security when all goes bad as China from America far from this truth as u got to pass via many nation radar watch as space that u can be traced as opposed to Kenya or TZ but the beauty is not only China has learnt to make the cheap electronics herself but all the nations of the world hampering such dubious move mentioned above thus making such people involved to grow wild and refuse to launch their very own brands cause will kill the above move if u did not know boy.

https://www.aviationtoday.com/2018/01/10/boeings-new-electric-cargo-drone-transport-500-pounds/

https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=electric+cargo+drone+images&client=opera&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjk6pbfnobqAhVh1uAKHTMLADwQsAR6BAgKEAE&biw=984&bih=658

https://www.google.com/search?client=opera&hs=AKt&ei=PbnoXonSEraejLsPzYCl6Ag&q=how+many+pounds+can+18+wheeler+truck+container+hurl&oq=how+many+pounds+can+18+wheeler+truck+container+hurl&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQAzoFCCEQoAFQ8OwCWLvRA2CM1ANoAHAAeACAAbUCiAHlI5IBCDAuNS4xNS4xmAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpeg&sclient=psy-ab&ved=0ahUKEwjJ5J6kqYbqAhU2D2MBHU1ACY0Q4dUDCAs&uact=5

Calculate how much people based on the weight an 18 or 53 wheeler truck can carry/hurl, worker and vineyard parable another version to equip us with get back to our planet saucer technology.

Where 45 KG is equal to 100 pounds so what about 500 pounds that is carriable by the drone above to divide with relatively 60 KG weight of normal grown up men to find out how many people of 60 Kg in approximation it can carry. Which is around 300 KG per cargo drone meaning can carry 6 people but 4 Boeing not the 1 that carries the container in the link below

https://www.123rf.com/photo_56723804_cargo-drone-with-opened-cargo-container-isolated-on-light-gray-background-3d-rendering-image-.html

They monitor ya in chain stores which egg u Crete u pick as artificial eggs can be made with an array of cut food crops such as yam, guava, potatoes or its sweet counterpart or cassava 1 that don’t denature the teeth, but if u, use 4 quit along time 1 type they know ya moves to give u another set altogether as they heap the same on the shelves 4 ya to pick or if u pick the previous type, they say the bar-code do not read the sticker to bring u another 1 to avoid u not buying the same as u can say u got a bad teeth b4 they loose u to the other chain-store around synonymous with SA eggs they bring to the countries around like E-Africa using the very drone in the link above. They even use the people who transfigure to check if ya stock is ready to be replenished as the Colombian blooded knows ya mind of buying b4 they place the above and many commodities u wish to buy on the shelves 4 ya like to buy. Got to think twice and be wise dude.

Tell Luyasweet to stop working 4 Mr Hindu when Internet is now ready from not USA but other nations around or we will resort to the truths of these songs links above and movies below, most coast people and Jamaica people got this blood with Mr White man of marshaling their people against others if they see ya with good life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koVHN6eO4Xg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMP-mZ-cvpU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FKAr4yEWKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AniZERO7q1Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aVIvUiRvbc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uory2JwTHwU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTCDFy9hqxY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E3ZzTx6v9o

The round big eyed Mr Hindu got is the blood of Saudi people as well as Kamba people where the above people are very abusive of human rights with another race.

The plane air-pump to the gas cylinder can be 2 or with 1 water pump but the motors 2 tied with a belt to each other that if 1 dies the other still pulls the belt to rotate the pump to make the airplane fall not or just 2 motor air pumps with switches on the plane dashboard to-interchange with an igniting light or voltmeter on the dashboard die to its cut 1 cathode wire to locate if its working dude as with the alternator previously explained. The motor should be the type where the coil of wire aint done on the rotating shaft as this can burn but on the outer metal the shaft rotates inside as in the link below, worker and vineyard parable to bring reality of the above so we stop our daily refuting dude as of electric microwave fan motor

https://www.google.com/search?q=types+of+iner+coils+of+an+electric+motor+images&client=opera&tbm=isch&tbs=rimg:CSnsP2tX1jKHImBCBBi9C2ZWIcnTpCaa8ueJ5fjL_1jGowsSON_1pxlzxEN5HL0mqAswP3MO-UUJkwQCvXIVKFJv4DMMqWP5cWGYHobZDvj5H0-gW3DBO1fnTLMqvLVwiO2BndlL5f8B56PbYqEglCBBi9C2ZWIRE-jkd_1AhOLSCoSCcnTpCaa8ueJEXIDq3IDN--dKhIJ5fjL_1jGowsQRSBae9L8z1J8qEgmON_1pxlzxENxGqiu-7Wa6kgyoSCZHL0mqAswP3EawYFcp9T5HEKhIJMO-UUJkwQCsRgK-YCxt4MbkqEgnXIVKFJv4DMBEXTjMic5mg1CoSCcqWP5cWGYHoEW94v6wkxeD3KhIJbZDvj5H0-gURoVU8CKxjkW4qEgm3DBO1fnTLMhGxJQ3_1eMudjioSCavLVwiO2BndEXr1cpp8XGLCKhIJlL5f8B56PbYRcURMAX0VHaNhUsO-G26ls9M&tbo=u&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiX2a2DpYbqAhXHxYUKHXGQCZcQuIIBegQIARA6&biw=984&bih=658&dpr=1

http://oddmix.com/motor/mot_ac_kejing_yj61_10e.html

https://www.google.com/search?q=electric+fan+motor+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwiOstyepYbqAhVP3RoKHZXjA5cQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=electric+fan+motor+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQA1De-QRYsPwEYL6DBWgAcAB4AIABuQGIAaUEkgEDMC4zmAEAoAEBqgELZ3dzLXdpei1pbWc&sclient=img&ei=_7ToXs62PM-6a5XHj7gJ&bih=658&biw=984&client=opera

The airplane can have the blinking light or voltmeter as explained above or a wireless camera on the above and on the outer side of the armored siren gas cylinder as the bulbs with convex lens so u monitor the above as those illuminating lights are of many set to replace if 1 set burn to make ya go 4 along time in air journey or replacing the bulbs altogether as to increase confidence of not replacing every now and then and that it cant fall observing the explained above security features and measures imposed or suggested dude.

With artificial milk and cooking oil u pour much on cold water then add some few cut sweet potato or seldom apple seed unto the solution and do the boom process b4 ya milk or cooking oil formed dude. Sweet potatoes even make women birth and monthly circle pills as morning pills which gives much money to the govt as calculate on the population tree how many women are above 14 years of age with the most affordable brand and come to see my truths as much is made that way b4 exported to many poor nations.

Once we got the lake I cant suffer even if am from USA or EU, i just get into my motor bike and boom in about a hours time am there, buying my fish or getting it on lonely points via a 5 year always beneath the water submarine b4 i get it back to my new city kach 4 my people to deep fry and sell like on the link below. Got to be wise and think twice dude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJm4rdoD9S8

With petroleum u add mango juice, break fluid u add seldom apple leaves while with diesel u add either cabbage or sukuma wiki leaves and boom ya fuel dude

Large screen laptop 4 the thinking not Desktop and small laptops most owned by rude people or anti-progress people as most who owns tablets are always lazy but loyal with life, so dude which 1 u wanna own.

Now USA Walmart looks like the Game Supermarket in Ksm from inside, inside respect and looks like Grown up things 4 the old not 4 women in fashion show. Dude what is best 4 ya aint good 4 another some1. Click the song link below, I got love 4 the game

https://www.google.com/search?client=opera&q=live+your+life+lyrics+ti&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

With making tarmac roads, buildings, Houses and bridges and even sports arena like NBA stadium,, u take the photos of above cut either diagonally or into 4 squire parts using a scissor then place in the sewer water, snow flakes, chaff or garbage as described above and boom your highway, skyscraper or houses. With roads u take a photo of a super high and do the same or debris of unearthed/demolished road and place in place of the photo named above, or big nails, bolts and nuts (kinda, somehow Black/grey looking 11) or sewer water at intervals like per squire km. With saucer u place the above in dough or sewer water as hay named above and boom ya space craft

can hustle dude so tells Mr policeman to annihilate him as lacks market to maintain their living standards. hard drugs are now made in the boom process as per tumblr sirjustice199 a/c, thus lacking market dude, think deep dude, even everywhere, wanted the same oath 4 me

With sound system u can place as well cut binding wire into sewer water and do the boom process and its formed, cut wood pieces, and many hardware metallic parts and even some plastic parts, like nails. Just give it a try with all collections of stereo in mind from net 1 after another dude

Get yourself a Canadian Visa in Her Program & make money online

https://payments.becomeacanadian.org/payments.aspx?gid=1e95a1f1-0d1b-447a-9ff2-e2aa56a4adc2

https://moneybro.org/ZpJL4ydb?currency=usd&external_id=296350119028789248&creative_id=4837402&ad_campaign_id=2947338&source=1524741&cost=0.0000&user_activity=high&sub_id_15=balance

Kinda, when something bad is done without stop in a large scale,you see like the plaugh of the cow without 1 operating it cutting across the road as making holes to warn u that reality is due, so should stop lest can develop landslides in ya dreamy mental picture.

When u stop in delivery justice as can mediate in a certain situation to stop with like many nations making gadgets, yet the 1 who has told them so how such are made they don’t help like send him some cash but instead wants to kill him until they hear 2 or more nations have come up with what they think its them alone whom have come up with like internet makes ya gadget kills esp home appliance if u look at them from outside but the big machines like aeroplane and cars the same but from inside it doesn’t. Avoid looking at Japanese, Nigeria, SA, Ghana, German, USA machines from the outside even if appealing and china has followed suit as the later now falls on their machines as they have refused to the point explained above of to intervene and save the world situation and most whites that is their happiness 4 such gadgets to reduce ya longevity to create much deaths which will later increase casket exhumation and sales and to bar people from buying such machines altogether dude. Try to help Serve justice so ya gadgets is free of that spirit mentioned above

Now ya character of thwarting other peoples destiny brought out even if they have moved on in life,the lovers of smooth good things like temperate lands, so wont get there and even of badmouthing like the Luo fellows and those wanting from ya like kamaba/trukana blooded like the Tz people, that could not have been known without the coming up of machines with another 1 nation b4 we know their character and those who have not come up with the same and after all have come with the same to make such machines useless as no huge markets 4 one nation as described above as other nations who have learnt the same reduces such as well as profits. This a 2 way thing,u might think u r hindering 1 progress but ya character well known 1st hand and the white man are happy of this cause they delude ya in ya happiness to know your later character. You and ya family to eliminate 4 good that trait if it persist not to change along with that false telling mind game character

The Negros now knows the Internet is in Africa and the pay-TV, so their agenda stopped of increasing their subscribers with their own here, so together with USA whites gets furious, saying now they are kamba blooded as Kambas are usually brown as opposed to other local tribes, so they got crimes and cant get to Canada, so must get their via coming to Kenya, learn Swahili and get their as described above or on education basis as well as in Russia, where they can buy stuff like wheat and rye and place in the unmanned cargo drone after they have known to make the same and ship them to Africa to make super-normal profits and even military vehicles to attack such nations. The Negro mind is a spoilt mind of wanting to be 1st but lacks sufficient understanding to partake such synonymous with Kamba/kikuyu blooded men like the Luo tribe. Dude if u did not know that’s their plan which now, kinda has failed.

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actiivevisiion · 4 years

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Here We Go!

Oh My Gosh! I cannot believe I am doing this! I know this might come at an awkward time - but, this is my first blog post on the Tumblr Universe! Before I begin I just want to say whether I see you when I stream on Twitch, Twitter, Instagram, etc. thank you for all supporting me time and time again! You are truly amazing human beings to share this world with and without you, I could not be happier! Let me start here! For the people who are new or just recently coming across my name, my name is Jessica! A lot of people know me by my username of ActiiveVisiion on Twitch. I am a variety broadcaster that currently streams a variety of games, like the Bioshock and Assassin’s Creed series to Destiny 2 and Call of Duty series. I am a transgender woman and have been transitioning for about three years (33 months). I currently live in Orlando, FL and have the best job in the world (to me at least). I have a family of my Mom and two amazing brothers residing in Florida as well. I have a wonderful cat, Aspen, which is about a year old. We do not unfortunately know what bread she is, but we know she has Dilute Calico fur. I will have funny pictures to show you later as she is really adorable. Now into the blog post…. I did want to really tell you something. Tonight was a surreal and memorable moment for me. I have always wanted to start a blog (as I just did) about what my thoughts are, what is happening in my life on a more personal level, and be able to interact in a different way instead of just social media and Twitter. I have always been encouraged to be able to help as many people as I can, whether it is in this town, country, or even around the world. I am so fortunate to be in your lives and being able to do this through Twitch. I am grateful for all friendships I currently have or have had in the past (yes, I forgive and start anew). (The [!!!] Will indicate the start and stop of a Trigger Warning) When my blog was all set up, I remembered I had an old Tumblr account that I had before I was in transition. I logged in and I was speechless. This was the first time since I felt it was time to leave Tumblr in 2015. I found Twitch to be my find myself to express how I truly felt. I had flashback moments as a young adult where it was difficult for myself to live as a male. For instance, it gave me a flashback of where I can only express myself through a screen behind closed doors. [!!!] This eventually gave me isolation and mental breakdowns where I wanted to attempt suicide, and I almost did. The night that I had my first suicide attempt was rough. I felt that I could not be true and that I was living a false life. I tried to suffocate myself through a couple of pillows at night when I laid down to sleep. All of a sudden I was gasping for air trying to catch my breath. I realized that I had to live for a reason…I did not know then that I was here for a reason, and eventually I know that I am after my first “real” suicide attempt (we will go into details about that another day). [!!!] Other instances came up that I was reminded of as well! As I took showers and baths as a kid and adolescent, I used to cover these parts with the soap. Also, I remember putting soap clumps on my chest thinking that they were breasts and covering my private parts with soap. I guess what I can tell is that I have come a long way. Just seeing this blog made me feel even more accomplished that I was able to become not the man I was, but the woman who I was meant to be. I just wanted to talk and tell you all some of the nostalgia that I felt. I really feel relieved, but terrified for the same reason. I just wanted to tell you what has been on my mind for a very long time. I was laying in bed last night wishing that things went back the way they were. The friendships and relationships that I had before my suicide attempt I truely miss. I have always felt out of the loop of everything since my return last March. I always felt that I could stream for a very long time. But, as the days go on, my feelings for Twitch have deepy diminished. Many people have approached me to tell me that I look so much happier in real life and on stream. In all honesty, I am not really as of recently. I felt the need of rebuilding those relationships with everyone, but I have had people look at me less and less as time fades. I have faced a lot of turmoil in my life, whether it is on stream or in the real world, but I feel that most of these people have thrown me away like a freshly bloomed pink rose. Due to this coronavirus, we have had to separate from each other, making me feel more isolated from each other. For myself, I have not had social interaction in person except towards my roommate for a few minutes a day. I have been having interactions with Aspen, though. But, this pandemic has been on a path of destruction since it started and it might not go away anytime soon. This is where I would lean on my friends, being able to survive on caring for each other and showing our love. I feel nothing and just numb. I feel like I cannot do this without your help. We need to do something together now so other people do not feel like this. As my time drifts away from Twitch, I come closer to the reality of the past….I do have a couple of people to talk to, and that is a blessing. But, besides these selected few, no one really checks up on me and it hurts. Friendships are two way streets. I feel like I am worthless to the point of why am I even on Twitch. I have never been able to make any dream of mine a reality, whether it is on Twitch or just in life. It is just killing me from the inside out and I just want help from all of you. This is why I have not been able to stream. I feel no compassion, support, love, and have very limited friendships on this platform. People also would say, “Jessica, why do you not take another break?” I will answer that question right here. It is because it is something I am passionate about. I feel like when I am on camera, I can make a difference in someone else’s life. I feel that I can do so much good but I cannot do it without feeling your love and friendships. I have done a lot of soul searching just to figure out this one part of my journey. This is what came out of it. I am alone in this world, to fight my own battles and wars. The world is a beautiful place to share it with, and I feel like I do not have barely any friendships to share it with. This is why I cannot stream as much as I do, and I am deeply sorry. All I want is forgiveness and being able to move forward with our friendships. I want to start thinking positive again and being happy around all of you. Green Day says in its first verse in their song Boulevard of Broken Dreams, “I walk a lonely road, the one that I have ever known. Don’t know where it goes, but it’s only me, and I walk alone.” Help me feel happy again. I think we can do it. Pre-Transition Tumblr: journeyfromwithin.tumblr.com

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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oh, continuing on from too-long, incoherent post made hours ago when nobody was online, obvs, No-Friends Club members put ur hands in—

one weird thing i remembered is the Experience of like, time to put interpersonal boundaries in place by setting boundaries on My Own Emotions, you know what i’m saying! like for example the Cold Math issue of having no friends, where like, you have a few ppl who talk with you, and just like, thanks to proportions and statistics alone, on your end its like thank god for these noble few who are each like, 490% of the good interactions you get in life, the beautiful line of defense between you and utter isolation, and on their end its gonna be like, you’re a person they talk to sometimes. and that’s too easy to forget sometimes so i just commit to remembering it, and like, deliberately Not getting overenthused/overinvested about it, cuz it’s just not fun to sorta put the cart before the horse and then have the repeated realization that you’re really not going to be an official friend or whatever or that significant a figure in other ppl’s lives. rough!! you know what i’m talking about re: this experience?

it’s just tricky and i don’t even entirely have a handle on it to this day (tho a way better handle on it than when i had to figure out how this situation worked years ago) in part cuz like, actually, despite having been isolated in varying degrees for like, basically my whole life except less during college tho i often had Big Lonely problems then too, despite that and also despite anxiety ishes (issues) and discomfort with social situations sometimes for other reasons, i’m like, actually a real social person when its the kind of social setup i Can be comfortable with, which is a decent variety imo. and i really like people actually, if they arent terrible, and i really like interacting with them If They Arent Terrible, and in theory i would Love to have friends and that’s always been true. and im an enthusiastic and passionate person, what can i say, so it’s a funky time having to reign that in when yknow, generally, like “oh im excited to have a friend” should be a wholly positive sentiment that’s not gonna burn you as long as the other person isn’t evil. but! i do gotta rein in that sentiment. like settle down. like i was saying before about not “hoping” to have friends technically even tho of course i’d always like to and like, if anything erring on the side of caution and not being like, oh yeah these ppl who interact on occasion / amicably with me are my friends. undersell myself eh. if i have friends i’ll try to figure it out after the fact rather than overestimate connections and be disappointed ad infinitum or what have u

also! bring it tf in for ppl with “weird” social skills! losers since preschool or whenever you started being around groups of your age peers! having the intangible Vibe that ppl pick up on and you get sort of socially written off or the Sort-Of-Contempt which is loads of fun. and kind of operating on slightly different frequencies communication wise, or having your social / behavioral cues be misread b/c its not the “normal” meaning, all that kinda thing, so that your Trying To Be Friendly might be Weird In A Bad Way to other ppl, or your social discomfort getting read as “they don’t like us” instead of “they aren’t comfortable with some aspects of this situation”, etc etc etc.....it’s a bummer cuz like, thank god for online socialization b/c in a lot of ways for a lot of reasons its so much more doable for me, but there’s still ways it has downsides, like, i don’t like groupchats which is like, synonymous with We’re Actual Friends Now, so, tough break for me there, and i don’t often start talking to ppl b/c i don’t assume any particular individual would be interested in that and it takes ages for it to occur to me that anyone might, and i don’t think i always am that good at writing my thoughts and also just like In Person i often don’t know what/how to say things even with zero pressure and also just like in person i can be sort of cagey and Underwhelming......whereas IN person i can actually be chatty as fuck and often overtalkative and i like to Get Silly and all that shit. not to say im not underwhelming in person, too! cuz yeah most of the time im overly quiet and people are surprised when i talk or when i make reference to the fact i have Big Opinions and big emotions b/c they thought i just had an equally quiet inner world i guess lol.......like yeah!! on one hand i’m like woops im fucking this up cuz im holding back and on the other hand its like uh oh now im making a mess cuz when i dont hold back im generally not In Accordance With Ppls Tastes And Preferences cuz im being too much. sort of lose-lose-lose. me and cats are the same. also i ought to be better at initiating conversation but i’m crap at it cuz im like, lowkey constant assumption that if ppl arent talking to me they don’t want to and it’d be annoying to say something, which is not Correct. but also i’m always nervous and nervous about ppl. oh well, we’ll get there maybe

anyways i like when characters have no friends and it’s not for lack of trying/wanting them!! it’s a weird experience and ya love that Relatable Material. like its funny alana calling everyone “acquaintances” cuz im out here doing that already lol my friendly acquaintances......like ideally yeah it’d be nice to have close friends but i do appreciate Being A Casual Fixture On The Perimeters Of Someone’s Life And Maybe Sometimes I Get To Be A Small Positive Experience In Their Existence for what it is, but it Is fairly depressing being the fleeting NPC in the outer / tangential orbits of mostly everybody who knows you. c’est la vie!!!! it is both good and not good. anyway back to acquaintances. yeah like seeing that “earnest efforts to have friends but it fails for various reasons” is fun cuz like yeah!! population: Same! though i’ve never really been like that specific character. i also like the book “the murder of bindy mackenzie” and the character is kind of like alana’s too. an academically supersuccessful girl who tries to reach out to her peers but her methods don’t work and she’s misreading others and others are misreading her and she’s distressed about various aspects of her life and also, someone’s trying to kill her. though i wasn’t too much like those other characters either. i feel like luna lovegood makes the list, on account of she like, is just nice and friendly but nobody likes her because of apparently weird interests which shouldnt be considered weird but i guess that was a probably-accidental commentary on how arbitrary Social Acceptability can be, and also because she is sort of unusual in terms of her average demeanor, and that’s not really reason not to like her but not only does she have no friends but also people are just sort of mean to her. feels real man! fondly recalling the times i’ve had to realize in retrospect that people were actually making fun of me...etc etc...other depressing things......and shoutout to the black suits for having that collective representation of varying ways to be a weird dumbass with Issues who nobody likes. very meta that i’ve wished i could be in a shitty for-fun high school garage band for the Hanging Out With Friends aspect of it alone. nato is also great representation for “superlative academic performance but doesn’t actually care about school and only cares about like, a snail he saw today, and being a weird goofaround loser 24/7”

where was i going with this!! just adding on more ideas i guess. Tumblr Mobile Don’t Eat My Post. other lifelong members of the no-friends-and-it-sucks club @ me!! struggling with figuring out how to at least feel more okay with your crappy social experience because there’s no real way to feel good about it but we’re at least trying to feel less bad, @ me! we’re valid and we’re Didn’t Ask For This But Here We Are

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so-shiny-so-chrome · 5 years

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Witness: Kalashnikorn

Creator name (AO3): Kalashnikorn

Creator name (Tumblr): Main-force-patrol

Link to creator works: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalashnikorn

Creator name (other platform- please specify): @Riccarterfans (twitter)

Q: Why the Mad Max Fandom?

A: My interest in Mad Max started early. I was maybe 12-14 when my mom picked it up on VHS at a garage sale because she had fond memories of the film when it came out (she saw it in theaters, which is rare for her). We’re both fond of cars and dystopian/apocalyptic stuff, so I easily connected with the movie and fell in love with WAY too many of the characters. So there was my weirdo self, in the early 2000s, loving MM1 but not really having a fandom to join. I had fun on my own, drawing stuff, making toys of the characters, writing doofy adolescent fanfic. You know, the works. But I did it in isolation, because I was a LONELY kid. Not just in terms of fandom, there were just never other kids around, or adults (other than my parents) around. Therefore, I spent most of my time online, and lost countless hours lurking on the MadMaxMovies.com forum. But I didn’t feel safe talking to people there, because the only other fans were guys my dad’s age. For years, if I had any kind of fandom-related wish that I’d give an arm to fulfill, it was that other girls and queer folks would embrace the MM series so I could finally share my excitement with people that would “get” me. Fast forward to 2015. Fury Road fulfilled that wish. I knew tumblr was my best chance at getting those friends I’d wanted for so long. It’s better than I’d ever dreamed. Mad Max Fandom, I love you! Special shoutout to @d--t, @crunkmouse, @sillyb0yblue, @sleepymayo, @lethalpr0tector, @legendofstraydog, @partyinvalhalla and @vanessa-geraldine-carlysle!

Q: What do you think are some defining aspects of your work? Do you have a style? Recurrent themes?

A: I love to write first-person fic that delves into the darker aspects of the human psyche. How do we justify killing others? What impact does a hypermasculine culture have upon a man with depression and anxiety? Is violence really the key to surviving the apocalypse? I also enjoy writing about people seeking control or freedom, and wrestling with that they believe they need to do to achieve that.

Q: What (if any) music do you listen to for help getting those creative juices flowing?

A: Since I do first person, I like something to get me into the head of the character I’m writing, so I make playlists for certain characters. 99% of the time, anymore, I’m writing as Roop, so on his playlist I’ve got a bunch of stuff quasi-hipster stuff that touches upon themes of isolation, anger, violence, and feelings of helplessness. There’s a bunch of indie rock, some seventies stuff, and A LOT OF PINK FLOYD. Oh, and there’s some Aussie rock in there too, of course.

Q: What is your biggest challenge as a creator?

A: Finding the time to write!

Q: Which character do you relate to the most, and how does that affect your approach to that character? Is someone else your favourite to portray? How has your understanding of these characters grown through portraying them?

A: Roop… And Roop. And my understanding of him has absolutely grown through portraying him. He’s a character that’s in MM1 for like.. Ten minutes? And after the opening chase scene, he hardly has any lines. But Steve Millichamp does an excellent job portraying him with his posture, body language, etc. So I gleaned ideas from his non-verbal performance. Honestly, if you look at the number of times he makes a mopey face, it’s astounding. Other times, he looks at Fifi for guidance, the way a kid looks at a parent or teacher. He doesn’t seem to have any friends at work, partially due to his own personality. I could go on for hours. From all that, I extrapolated that he’s basically caught between childhood and adulthood, and he’s trying to sort out what it means to be a good cop and a good person. Sometimes those things aren’t congruent, and it tears him up because he’s a very type A, hardworking perfectionist. Growing up, he was told that he was gifted, smart, etc., and he feels like an imposter because he fixates on his shortcomings and mistakes. And when trying to live up to this impossibly high standard, he puts a lot of pressure on himself and struggles when he has to surrender or when he fails. There’s a ton more, but those are the highlights. The vast majority my MM/Roop fic stays offline. Pretty much all of it is irrelevant to the rest of the Mad Max universe, so there’s no point in posting it. It’s taken on a life of its own. Of course, some people have let me know that they dislike or disagree with my characterization of Roop. That’s fine. Nobody’s forcing them to read my fic.

Q: Do you ever self-insert, even accidentally?

A: Oh hell yes. And I’m completely shameless about it, because I don’t think the practice should be taboo or frowned upon. We wouldn’t shame an actor who tapped their lived experience to bring authenticity to a role, would we? I think we should extend the same understanding to writers. Aside from being a great way to understand more about our selves, enjoy an escapist fantasy, or work through trauma, I think self-insertion can be a great way to evoke emotional authenticity in a story.

Q: Do you have any favourite relationships to portray? What interests you about them?

A: I pretty much stick to what I consider my strength, which is genfic. So I mostly stick to portraying platonic interactions, both friendly and unfriendly. I particularly like exploring how Roop interacts with/judges his co-workers. I’m also fond of writing about good moms who love and encourage their kids. Sometimes the mom is the viewpoint character, sometimes it’s the kid. Regardless, I like looking at how parental relationships can shape a person’s worldview.

Q: How does your work for the fandom change how you look at the source material?

A: My work makes me hyper-analyze MM1 and its novelization. I mostly write MM1 fic because I feel like we could have gotten a lot more mileage out of exploring MM1’s world, before society fully broke down and became the more fantastical wasteland we know and love in MM2, MM3, and MMFR. As much as I like the later worldbuilding stuff, I can really appreciate watching a civilization crumble in a grounded, slow-burning manner.

Q: To break or not to break canon? Why?

A: Depends on what you mean by “break.” I think a lot purists would say that I break canon, so I’ll put it this way: I like to write stories where I add to canon without directly contradicting it. We’re never shown Roop’s home life, for instance. It’s free real estate! I do this because I just want MORE MM1. More Roop, more MFP, more Armalites, all of it. I don’t feel the need to change anything, just add more volume to it. That said, I love it when others break canon! I have a ton of fun reading AUs and alternate scenes.

Q: Share some headcanons

A: GRAB A SEAT AND PUT YOUR SITTIN’ PANTS ON. Here we go: In addition to recruiting local police officers and other traditional recruiting strategies, the MFP uses conscription to fill out its ranks. Roop is one such draftee. Roop doesn’t spend any time with Charlie outside of work. He really just tries to minimize contact with the guy. If we do all my Roop headcanons, we’ll be here until the Miller completes MM5. Charlie wanted to go seminary school and become a priest, but was drafted. Losing his voice pretty much killed his dream of preaching. Fifi takes an interest in his men, but only so he can better manipulate them into staying/reenlisting. Bubba was a former MFP officer who went rogue once budget cuts and bureaucratic decisions made law enforcement abandon his rural hometown.

Q: Who are some works by other creators inside and outside of the fandom that have influenced your work?Inside the fandom, the old RP crowd and I bounced a lot of ideas off each other, and interacting with their muses helped Roop’s story grow by leaps and bounds (finger guns at @d--t’s OC, Renholder, @vanessa-geraldine-carlysle’s portrayal of Charlie, and @legendofstraydog’s OC, Syrup!) Outside the fandom, my biggest influences are Kurt Vonnegut, J.D. Salinger, Quentin Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, and Sam Esmail.

Q: Have you visited or do you plan to visit Australia, Wasteland Weekend, or other Mad Max place?

A: Not yet, but I'd love to go someday!

Q: Tell us about a current WIP or planned project

A: “Autotomy” is my big current WIP. It’s 7 chapters into its 9 or 10 chapter run (I’ve literally got chapter 8 open in another window as I’m writing this). It follows Roop immediately after MM1 ends. He sees the aftermath of Max’s rampage, and begins to question his own ideals. Then his morals are put to the test when an unexpected guest arrives at his home. The word “autotomy” describes cutting off a part of oneself to escape a greater threat. Think of a lizard that sheds its trapped tail to avoid being eaten. I’m using it in the literal and metaphorical sense. At the end of MM1, we see someone have to make a literal life-or-limb decision. And in this story, Roop has to decide whether or not to cut off the toxic ideology that has guided his actions.

Thank you @main-force-patrol @richardcarterfans some of your tags got lost in reformatting. You may want to retag your peeps

#Mad Max Fandom Creator Spotlight #Mad Max Fandom Spotlight #mad max fic #mad max fic author spotlight #kalishnakorn #main-force-patrol

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