#justifications

[traumatizedjaguar]

Abusers never getting their story straight:

I spoke to one abuser who said that he wasn’t an abuser because he lacked self awareness about his behaviors during the time he abused women he had relationships with. So being mentally ill let him off the hook for abusive behaviors. But he still had a right to get revenge and abuse people in extreme ways who minorly hurt him as I was given details of those situations… but nobody has a right to hurt him back.

I spoke to one abuser who claimed he wasn’t the only abuser in the relationship and that him and his ex gf were 50/50 when it came to splitting up the role of being the abuser. So he went on to tell us in the chat that it’s a good thing bc now it’s a “fun” war where he’s justified in doing whatever he wants to his ex girlfriend and nobody can talk him into thinking differently. I asked for details and he told us, so fucking clearly, that his ex-gf just reacted to his abuse…. He drove her “crazy” basically.

I talked to another abuser that said he had NPD and his ex had CPTSD, OCD and BPD and he laughed about how they “made a beautiful mess of everything” when they dated. Red flag. From all the details, he had no self awareness of describing that he abused her first, but he thought “so what” bc “she’s bad too”, dragged her through horrible and stressful situations, justifying it bc “he had childhood trauma” causing her to react to him in such intensity and horrible behaviors back. He blamed her BPD and his NPD saying they were both abusers, but everything he described had absolutely nothing to do with her BPD, and more so to do with his treatment of her, and her simple reaction to that which can get either confused or overlap with BPD symptoms coming out. Why not blame her CPTSD? CPTSD had a lot of symptoms about flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, even anger issues sometimes and when she displays these symptoms why is that not automatic “she’s the abuser” with the CPTSD? Why not blame her OCD? Anxiety around loved ones too. He admitted without realizing it probably that he gaslit her and she did not gaslight him; he gaslighted her in extreme ways I was concerned that he will never change his way of thinking.

I’m spoke to another abuser who said he kept pushing a girl into a relationship and would never leave her alone and didn’t count this as emotional abuse and potential stalking. She non stop would run from him and tell him to get away and stop bothering her. He genuinely believed coercion isn’t abusive if he spread out his coercive behavior over the course of months as in: “coerce her for 3-5 minutes, then leave her alone, repeat for months every other week or so”. Which made no sense like “people change their minds especially if every week I can come up with something good to get her to turn her no into a yes”. He harassed her, stalked her, and coerced her into things she didn’t want to do and claimed she abused him when she reacted so badly to him one day at school and embarrassed him in front of all their classmates. Which he said he had a right to get revenge on her and bully her for embarrassing him; obviously he does not have a right to abuse her because he abused her first, she reacted and told him off in front of everybody, then he claimed to be a victim.

Mutual abuse is non-existent.

#my text #mutual abuse #excuses #justifications #cptsd #bpd #actuallyabused #gaslighting #psychological abuse #complex ptsd #actually cptsd #borderline personality disorder #bpd tag #bpd vent #actually bpd #bpd safe #ocd #cptsd vent #cptsd symptoms #ptsd #childhood abuse #anxiety disorders #gaslight #tw gaslighting #gaslit #emotional gaslighting

[howifeltabouthim]

. . . people will say the most heinous things when they're trying to justify their own failures and madness.

Catherine Lacey, from Biography of X

#lashing out #justifications #excuses #on the attack #failure #madness #quotes #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #relatable #catherine lacey #biography of x

[ollieofthebeholder]

to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest): a TMA fanfic

<< Beginning < Prev || AO3 || My website

Chapter 89: July 2017

[CLICK]

JON

Statement of Jonathan Sims, head archivist of the Magnus Institute, London, regarding the upcoming…um…operation. Twelfth July, 2017. Recording taken direct from subject.

I-I wanted to get some thoughts down before, um, everything. We all should. I’ll, I’ll mention it to them.

[Deep breath] Martin is home. That…that seems like the most important place to start, honestly. Martin is home. He’s home and he’s safe and…I-I know he feels the trip was a waste of time, that he didn’t learn anything of substance, but he did. Tim’s right, we could never have just gone up to Great Yarmouth and staked out the House of Wax until it looked like things were ready. We have to know. And thanks to Martin, we do. Three days after Orsinov got the skin…or, well, after she called in all her…minions, but I-I rather suspect those are one and the same. She wouldn’t have waited long.

Forty-eight hours. Give or take.

We have a plan. It’s…I don’t know if it’s a good plan, but it’s a plan, and we have it. And it should work. Martin and Melanie and…they picked it over with a fine-toothed comb, and they say it should work. Myself, Daisy, Martin, Melanie or Tim—I’m not sure which right now—and Basira, we’ll be heading up to Great Yarmouth either late tomorrow or early morning the day after, while Sasha and…whoever the other one is stay behind. Gertrude’s notes were very clear. Unless the ritual is underway, anything we do can be easily repaired. But if we time it right, it’ll be centuries, maybe more, before they can try it again. Of course, if we time it wrong…

Daisy has been pretty clear that she thinks her best chance of success is to go in alone, and honestly, I struggle to disagree with her. [sigh] Martin didn’t, though. I don’t know what surprised me more, that he simply told her he was going with or that she didn’t argue. They seem to have come to some kind of…uneasy truce. I think they both have the same feeling, that they need to see it through, and that they need to protect the rest of us. They’re planning on it just being the two of them going, or at least going in.

That—that isn’t happening. Martin isn’t going without me. I, I can’t let him out of my sight, not for that. I just got him back, I—

I don’t care if this is an official record. I don’t care who listens to this outside the Archives. I will say it and I will not deny it. I need him to be safe, and I need to know he’s safe, and the only way I can do that is to go in there with him. So. I’m going. Whether he wants me to or not.

I think Basira feels the same way. About Daisy, I mean. Or at least about letting Daisy go without her. Seeing what they’ve seen, doing what they’ve done…it’s a hell of a bond. I would know. Even if it’s not romantic for them, it’s the same bond Martin and I have. The same bond Martin and Melanie have, too, so she’ll likely be coming along as well. We’ve already discussed it, the rest of us, and we’re in agreement. They’re not going alone.

…

There’s something different about him. I, I can’t put my finger on it. It’s not anything physical. He still looks the same, feels the same, [heh] smells the same. He’s still the same person he’s always been, the same man I—I fell in love with. But there’s a…a confidence? No, that isn’t right. But there’s something. It’s like it’s lurking just under the surface, something I can’t explain, something I can’t reach. Something happened to him while he was gone. All right, yes, I know that’s an understatement. Of course ‘something happened to him’. He was kidnapped, for God’s sake, he was stabbed and nearly died and—I almost lost him. And I never would have known…

[SMALL, STIFLED SOB]

[SNIFF]

B-but it, it’s more than that. I wouldn’t say he came back different, but he came back…with something different, maybe? There’s something I don’t understand. Something he hasn’t said.

There will be time. After. When it’s all said and done. When we get back…we’ll have all the time in the world. I can ask him then, and…and he’ll tell me. I know he will. I trust him.

I love him.

If this is my final message…let it be that.

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

BASIRA

Um. Statement of Basira Hussain, twelfth July, 2017, at the request of Jonathan Sims.

I’m not sure why I’m here. I mean, I understand how I got to this point. Just a series of decisions until, yep, this is my life now! But I don’t know why. Does that make sense?

I don’t…I don’t really want to be here. I shouldn’t be here. Martin’s never said anything, but I know he’s disappointed, maybe a little annoyed, that I came back after he told me not to. And he was right, I should have stayed away. But I—I couldn’t abandon Daisy. I couldn’t just give up on her. And the only way I could think of to find her was to come to the Magnus Institute, and now I’m a goddamned hostage. At least I don’t really have it as bad as the others. It’s amazing how much you can ignore when you’ve got your nose in a book.

I’m, I’m trying not to resent the way they’re treating Daisy. I know they don’t understand her. But—they’re not afraid of Martin. I mean, yes, okay, completely different abilities, and he was a librarian, not a cop. But she did what she had to do to survive, just like him. Just like their…other friend. It’s not her fault that what she needs looks scarier to other people. And it’s not like it’s all bad. The things she does have stopped some very dangerous people. And why shouldn’t she enjoy what she needs to sustain herself sometimes? It’s like those dieters who think that if food tastes good, it can’t be healthy. She’s allowed to get some pleasure in it when she can.

…

Martin gets it better, I suppose. Since, you know, he’s the same way she is, especially now. Not hard to see they’re on the same level or whatever. He at least hasn’t been outright hostile to her. She seems about as friendly with him as she ever did anyone else on the force. Dunno if I’d call them friends, but at least they’re standing on the same side, and I think they’ll turn their backs on each other. Daisy doesn’t do that for many people.

I know they don’t see it, but Daisy’s true blue. You always know where you stand with her. I never doubted she had my back in the field when I took the lead, even if I didn’t do it very often. I owe it to her to have her back here.

So yeah, that’s why I’m going. I don’t trust anyone else to care if she comes back alive. Even her, really. She’ll be looking to get the job done, not protect herself. She’ll need someone spotting her, and that someone is going to be me.

It’s nice to have one thing certain in all this. One damned thing I can control.

[DEEP BREATH, SLOW EXHALE]

Maybe that’s why I’m here. Not just to back Daisy up, but these guys get so…bogged down in details. It’s not just not seeing the forest for the trees. They can’t even see where the trail is. Me, I can at least think in a straight line. Control. Balance. Something steady.

I dunno. Maybe I’m overthinking it, too. Maybe there is no reason I’m here. Or maybe why I need to be here is…further out. Maybe I don’t need to be here right now, but if I’m not here now, I won’t be later. I don’t know.

I guess we’ll find out.

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

SASHA

Sasha James, archival assistant at The Magnus Institute, London, recording statement…hm…let’s see if I can get this right…0171207…dash…C? Hope we’re dividing these up by letters, otherwise I’ve just fucked up the system. [Slightly nervous giggle] Statement taken direct from subject.

I wish I wasn’t staying. I’m not going to lie. I wish there was a way we could do this without me—without anyone—having to stay back. But someone needs to stay, and I’m not going to be any use in setting bombs, so it’s going to be me.

It should probably be Jon and Tim who stay, let’s be honest. They’ve both been Marked by the Stranger—Tim really, really deeply, and Jon…well, at least, I’m assuming he’s been Marked. Not like any of us have asked Martin to take another Look since that first night, so I could be wrong. Anyway, what if that means Orsinov and her minions come looking for them? Or worse, what if the Marks are so powerful they get drawn into the Unknowing whether they want to or not?

God, choosing to participate is bad enough. Being killed to be used is worse. But being drawn into it, knowing what walking in will do and not being able to stop…even if by some miracle they survived that, they’d never be over it.

Well. I mean. If we don’t stop it, the world’s going to end, too, so there’s that.

I’m scared. I—oh, I didn’t mean to say that. I really don’t want that to be my last words. ‘Here lies Sasha James. She was scared all the time.’ It’s not true, I mean…I’m not scared all the time. But this does scare me. Partly because it’s the Stranger, and, well, it’s our opposite, right? I can only imagine how much we’d all be punished in a world made for it. Partly because it almost killed me once. The Not-Them was definitely after me, and the only reason I’m alive is because I didn’t go near the table that night in Artifact Storage. Partly—mostly—I’m scared for the others.

I mean, what I’m doing, it’s not exactly dangerous. I’m not going to die doing it. Probably. Most likely. It’s the others who are likely to be killed or—unmade, maybe. If things go wrong for me, I probably won’t lose anything but a paycheck or two, at most.

…

I don’t want Melanie to go. I know that’s stupid. Martin will look after her—he’d die before he let her get hurt, or Jon. But I just…I feel better when I know where she is, and that she’s okay. She keeps going off and doing stupid, dangerous shit with Tim and Jon and it’s just—

No. No, I need to be honest. That’s why we’re doing this, right? It’s not that she’s doing dangerous stuff with them. It’s that she’s doing it without me. I want to be there with her. I mean, we worked pretty well together when I went up to Great Yarmouth with her and Tim that time to stake the place out, and [heh] that impromptu make-out session we did to stop the random beat cop from getting suspicious was pretty fun, too.

Yeesh, this is pathetic. And I’m doing it on an official recording. Oh, my God, Martin is going to sk—he’s going to hit the ceiling if he listens to this. So’s Jon…well, maybe not Jon. I bet he spent his fair share of this tape mooning over Martin, too.

Okay. Get it together, Sasha. Make your statement, face your fears.

So. Yeah. I’m afraid something is going to happen to the others. I’m afraid something is going to happen to Melanie in particular, and I’m afraid that something is going to go wrong and the first I’ll know of it is when the world goes weird around me.

I mean, weirder than normal.

And I don’t know what I can do about it. Other than hold up my end of the plan and hope theirs goes well, too.

[DOOR OPENING]

MELANIE

Sasha?

SASHA

Hm?

MELANIE

Elias wants to see us. All of us.

SASHA

Right now?

MELANIE

Yeah. Says it can’t wait.

SASHA

Okay. Coming.

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

MELANIE

Melanie King, twelfth of July, 2017, 11:37pm.

Yeah, I took it home to do this, what are you going to do about it? Maybe I wanted to be able to set proper wards. Maybe I don’t want anyone listening in.

I can’t believe Martin actually thought I would stay back. I can’t believe he considered it for even a second. Has he not figured out by now that every single time one of us goes off on our own, something goes horribly wrong? I mean, even when we’re together, things go bad. I’ve thought about making a statement about the Mermaid Inn, just so I stop having the fucking nightmares about it again.

On the whole, I preferred the ones about Aldershot, even if I did have to suffer through knowing Jon was watching, the bastard. I know it wasn’t his fault, but damn it, it just made me so…angry. [Sigh] Still not sure if that was because he was watching like it was a goddamned show or because I knew he didn’t know I knew he was there. After we got to be friends, I guess what made me the angriest was that I knew it was hurting him almost as much as it hurt me, but I couldn’t stop what I was doing and I couldn’t even step out of the patterns of the dreaming far enough to let him know I knew he was there. It just reminded me that I had no control over everything, and I hate that.

I’m angry a lot. I always have been. I feel like I’ve always been fighting. Having brothers like Martin and Gerry especially meant that—not that I had to fight them, but I had to fight for them. Martin would always try to make himself nonthreatening and Gerry would find the spaces in between to slip through, but I never wanted to do that. No one makes space for people like us. You’ve got to elbow the comfortable idiots out of the way and then claw your way up with gritted teeth. I know it sounds stupid to call starting a ghost hunting show a fight, but it was. Tooth and nail. And I did it, and I won. And then it all fell apart, and I can’t even find the point when it did. But I’m still fighting. New package, same patterns. Elias—God, what an asshole. I just want to rip his—

[CAT MEWS]

No, not you, baby. No, Mummy’s busy right now—okay, fine, fine, you can stay. Ow—Jesus, not the claws. There, settle down and be good now.

[PURRING UNDERSCORES THE REST OF THE STATEMENT]

God, when did I start losing the parts of myself that weren’t anger?

When was the last time I teased one of my brothers, or said something that wasn’t either neutral or meant to hurt? I’m not mad at them. Well, maybe a little bit at Martin for trying to be all…white knight, loose cannon, lone wolf type. He doesn’t have to do this alone, and he shouldn’t, and he fucking knows that, but he’s still trying.

I, I hate that. And I hate Mum for doing that to him, for making him think it doesn’t matter if he dies as long as the people around him survive. Not even just the people he cares about, the people he doesn’t even know. Can’t he see that saving the world isn’t going to mean anything to the rest of us if we lose him in the process? If he dies, I will get Gerry to bring him back again just so I can fucking kill him myself.

Losing Gerry like we did is what spelled the end of Ghost Hunt UK. I know that now. I was just so angry and I didn’t have anyone to be angry at, because it was just stupid bad genetics and our usual rotten luck that killed him, so I was angry at the whole universe. It’s why I stayed away from Martin—so I wouldn’t take it out on him—but that just meant I took it out on everyone else I came into contact with, and I know that’s a big part of why we started struggling after that. I’m afraid that will happen again, and—the Archives are different. We, we can’t quit. We’re trapped there, and if we get angry and start falling apart, we’ll just be…trapped with people who hate us, and who we hate, and that’s just going to be miserable for everyone.

But it’s more than that. Tim and Jon, they’re, they’re my brothers, and it’s nothing to do with them being with Gerry and Martin. Jon was my brother before Martin even admitted he was falling for him, and I think Tim would have been, eventually, even if he and Gerry weren’t making the beast with two backs.

I don’t want to lose my family. And I especially don’t want it to be my fault.

[DEEP BREATH]

So Martin is not going to die, and I am going to know who to blame if he gets hurt, and I will direct my anger at the appropriate people if the time comes.

And it looks like if all else fails, I can just cuddle up with you on my chest and I’ll be relaxed in no time.

Heh. Cats. I should’ve got one years ago. They’re better than Prozac.

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

DAISY

I don’t know what you want from me.

And whatever it is, you’re not getting it.

…

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Martin Blackwood…[sigh] the Archivist, in advance of departure for Great Yarmouth. Recorded direct from subject, thirteenth July, 2017. Statement begins.

Everything’s set. We’re leaving in the morning, before sunrise. Daisy left a few minutes ago to “borrow” one of the disused Breekon and Hope vans so we can blend in a little better around the House of Wax, and once she’s sure it’s running properly, she’ll let us all know. Then we’ll meet up here at the Institute and make our way up. I definitely prefer rail travel, but, well, we can’t exactly do that with fifty pounds of plastic explosives in tow. Not without a permit, anyway.

I’m…not surprised, honestly, that the others insisted on coming along. Bit annoyed, but not surprised. If it were the other way around, I wouldn’t want to let Jon out of my sight, either. It’s just…I need them to be safe. And going into the House of Wax is about as far from safe as you can get without coming back in the other direction.

I suppose I should be glad. I mean, at least if they’re with us, I can watch them. I’ll know where they are, and that they’re safe. But I’m worried. The Stranger is—well, unpredictable. Elias wasn’t wrong about that. There’s every chance they’ll be where we don’t expect, do what we haven’t prepared for. It’s not the Web, sure, but it can still lure you in. And I haven’t forgotten that it was Jon trying to smack a spider that caused him to knock the hole in his office wall and let the Corruption out, or that one bit Sasha to tell her where the manual release for the fire suppression system was. Pretty sure there were a few lurking in that shack in the swamp, too. The Web is interested, I’m pretty sure, and if it teams up with the Stranger, God help us.

I’m not just worried. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my sister and the man I love to something that very nearly killed me once already and is the antithesis of everything we are, and I’m afraid that I’m going to be so focused on protecting them that I forget to protect Basira and Daisy, and I’m afraid that I’m going to be so distracted by all four of them that I forget to protect myself. And I’m afraid, terribly afraid, that if the Stranger gets hold of me the others will try to rescue me instead of disrupting the ritual. I refuse to be the reason the world ends.

I’m—I’m going to have to talk with Daisy. Again. She’s—[small laugh] fucking terrifying, but she’s also strong and no-nonsense. I trust her. I am putting that on the official record: I trust her. And I am trusting that if it all goes to shit, if I somehow get captured, she won’t waste time trying to get me out, and she won’t let Jon or Melanie waste time or energy on that either. If something happens to me, she needs to get them out, whether they want to go or not.

She will. I know she will.

…

I’ve, I’ve been thinking about a television show I loved when I was a kid. Used to borrow the tapes from the library when I could, too—haven’t watched it in ages, but it’s one of those shows that sticks with you, you know? I’ve had a few lines from it bouncing around my head these last couple days. Everything from Mr. Garibaldi saying that “if we lose, there is no ‘then what’, and if we win, what next” to Kosh saying “the avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote” to that doctor on Downbelow saying “I did the necessary thing. That is not always the same as the right thing.” [Bitter laugh] You know, all kinds of cheerful things like that.

But there are a couple more I keep…coming back to, when things start getting dark. One is Ivanova’s speech at the end of the very last episode, when she talks about what the station meant, and the other, um, was from the third season finale. And, um…maybe it’s not exactly the most professional thing in the world, but…just in case, for posterity, I’m going to try to remember it, exactly the way he said it.

[DEEP BREATH]

[FAINT, GENTLE STATIC]

“There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.”

[STATIC FADES]

We can’t give up. We have to keep hope.

We’ve got this.

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

TIM

Let the record show that I am only doing this because Jon and Martin both asked me. I fucking hate these things. Maybe a little less knowing that it…well, helped Martin while he was gone, but still. Whatever you are, I think you’re a nosy bastard and I would normally never tell you any of this. But it’s important to them, so…fine.

They’re leaving soon. The others. Well…I mean, “soon,” I don’t know exactly when. It’s, um, it’s late. We stayed at the office later than usual, waiting for Daisy to get back with the van, but then Martin got in touch with her and said she was having trouble. Um, something about the fuel injector? I don’t know, I’m not a car guy. Whatever it is, she said it was going to take longer than she thought, so Martin told us all to go home and try to get some rest. They’ll call when they’re leaving. And when that happens, I guess I’ll be going back to the Institute.

I, I have to see them go. I can’t—I need to know they’re leaving. I know that sounds stupid. Intellectually, I know they’re leaving. Like, there’s no doubt about that. But…I need to see it. I need to watch them walk away—or drive away, whatever—and know that they’re going, and where they’re going.

I didn’t get that with Danny. He was there, and then I woke up the next morning, and he was gone. It was luck—good or bad, who knows—that I even figured out where he went. And I’m—I’m pretty sure he was long gone by the time I got there. What I saw, what I thought—it, it wasn’t Danny. Just a costume, really, or a—a sham over a prop. Like gluing the spine of an old book to a block of wood to save a space on the shelf, but when you pull it down, there’s nothing really there.

I keep trying to remember what the last thing I said to him was. When was the last time I told him I loved him? I mean, he knew, right? He had to. But did I tell him? Did I actually say it, or did I just fuss at him for being an idiot, try to calm him down, and go to bed when nothing worked? It…wasn’t like when we were little. This wasn’t him waking up crying from a dream and me wiping his eyes and making him cocoa and talking him back to reality. It happened, and there was nothing I could have done about that.

I could have tried harder, though.

My earliest memory is of my dad lifting me up so I can see into the crib, showing me this tiny red spud with a shock of black hair sticking up all over the place, and telling me that I have a responsibility now. And then he woke up and just looked at me, and—and the minute I met his eyes, big blue eyes full of wonder and awe, I knew I’d do anything for him. Looking after him was never a burden, you know? It was just a thing I did. [Small laugh] Maybe it would’ve been different if I’d had to, like if we’d had shitty home lives like Martin and Jon and Sasha did, but no, just my little brother tagging along and me making sure he was okay until he was big enough to handle himself, and it was good.

And then there was something he actually needed me to protect him from. And I didn’t.

That’s why I’m staying back. Melanie needs to go, she needs to be there for her brother. And Jon…well, Jon really doesn’t need to go, actually. I think Elias said he needed to stay behind knowing that he wouldn’t, and knowing that Martin wouldn’t fight him too hard, so if something awful does happen and Jon…um, gets hurt…Martin will spiral into guilt, and probably be easier to manipulate into doing something really goddamn stupid under the guise of protecting the rest of us. Basira won’t be any help, so if anyone is staying to help Sasha, it’s going to be me.

Which, hey. At least I get to take this case of the mean reds out on something.

[Sigh] Good luck, everyone. Bring the house down. I’ll be waiting for you when you get home.

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

GERRY

Never talked to one of these before. Gertrude barely let me near them, and I didn’t put my statement on tape when I first got back. Didn’t need to, really, they were all there, and we weren’t sure back then if anyone else was listening to them. Can’t risk the Supreme Bastard knowing I’m alive, after all. Well [bitter laugh], for a given value of alive, anyway.

But if this goes right, he won’t have a chance to find out, so…I might as well get my thoughts on the record, too.

Tim…he’s, uh, he’s sleeping. I managed to convince him to lie down after he finished his part of the tape, and for all he claimed he wasn’t tired, he’s snoring right now with his head in my lap. Going to try not to wake him up. Me, I haven’t slept since Martin got home. I can’t risk it. Every time I start thinking about sleeping…well, that’s when I’m at my most vulnerable, I guess. That’s when the flashbacks come on. They might not always be bad, but, uh, [nervous laugh] I don’t want to run the risk that I’m going to either relive something inconvenient in my life or go through someone else’s near death experience that leads to me seeing all the flaws in this plan or worrying too much about everyone dying, so, no. I can sleep when it’s all over.

I’m going. Tomorrow. Martin doesn’t know that—neither does Melanie, come to think of it—but I am. They’re probably both going to throw a wobbly and try to talk me out of it, but come on. It’s like the biggest Leitner we’ve ever tried to burn. They need me there.

That’s what I plan to tell them, anyway. And it’s the truth. Part of the truth. Really, though, it’s that I need to protect them. I—I can’t let them go into a dangerous situation without me, not when I’m able to go with them. Even apart from the usual…this, this thing I can do, I can see if they’re about to die and…well, prevent it by not touching them. I don’t even have to know the details of how they’re going to die. I just have to not poke the death point.

Martin can probably use another pair of eyes watching everyone’s back, too. He told me about his new…position. God, I hope he gets a raise out of it too…anyway, he’s now officially responsible for the others instead of just feeling responsible for them, so he’s going to be even more anxious about them on top of being anxious about stopping the Unknowing. And I can’t die—probably—so I’m as good a bodyguard as anyone.

Besides that. I promised Tim that if there’s—if anything goes really wrong, if there’s someone there who’s…I won’t let them suffer. I, I can reap…souls, I guess, without them being on the cusp of dying. I try not to, because those [sigh] are more substantial than the already-dying ones and I don’t want to get addicted to that, but it’s a thing I can do. So if there are people there that are…trapped, between living and dying, caught in a cycle of perpetual undeath as they await the Dance…I should be able to, um, pull them to one side.

Probably not the side they’d prefer, but—

[BUZZING]

[MIDI VERSION OF OPERATIC ARIA BEGINS PLAYING]

What—oh, really, Tim?

TIM

Huh? Wha?

GERRY

I get why your ringtone for Martin is an aria, but does it have to be from I Pagliacci?

TIM

I don’t know anything about operas, okay? I just grabbed something at random.

[RINGING AND BUZZING STOPS]

Hey, Marto. What’s up?

…

I’ll be right there.

…

The fuck I don’t. I’m on my way, okay?

…Yeah, see you soon.

They’re getting ready to go.

GERRY

It’s two in the goddamn morning.

TIM

Traffic will probably be better.

[GERRY SIGHS]

GERRY

Right. I’ll meet them at the north end of Brompton.

TIM

I’ll tell them.

…Be careful, okay?

GERRY

I will. I promise.

[KISS]

[CLICK]

———

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Right, we’re getting ready to leave now. Tim brought this back with him when he came to say—to wish us luck, and I asked everyone to give me a second before I go out to join them.

I’m locking this in Tim’s desk drawer so it doesn’t accidentally get used…somehow. If we don’t come back, o-or we come back wrong, or different, this might be the only record of us, and I want it safe.

If you’re listening to this, and you’re not on this tape…find Tim and Sasha. Timothy Stoker and Sasha James. They should be around the Archives somewhere, and they’ll explain everything you need to know. There’s a Polaroid taped to the back of this—make sure they match. They’ll, they’ll be able to explain that, too.

If you are on this tape, and you’re listening to this because…well, because one of us didn’t come back…I’m sorry. I am. I’m sorry that this is the last recording you have of whoever…i-it’s probably, no, definitely me. I’m not losing them, and I will give my last breath to protect them, so if you’re listening to hear someone’s voice, it’s probably mine.

But if you’re able to listen, that means it was worth it.

[CLICK]

#ollie writes fanfic #the magnus archives #tma fanfic #to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest) #jonathan sims #basira hussain #sasha james #melanie king #daisy tonner #martin blackwood #tim stoker #gerry keay #unreality #foreboding #justifications #mention of loss of control #anger #loss of a sibling

[novellearningblog]

The Moralization Gap

In The Better Angels of Our Nature, Steven Pinker writes, “people consider the harms they inflict to be justified and forgettable, and the harms they suffer to be unprovoked and grievous.”     This last week I was watering a spot of seed on my front yard when I noticed that someone did not clean up after their dog. I was pretty unhappy about it and my first impulse was to be indignant. But as…

View On WordPress

#Anger #Harm #Justifications #Perception #Self Awareness

[aesthetically0b5essed]

If it isn't me, it could be someone much worse. I'm really saving you.

#justifications

[gameguy20100]

People: Why isn't everything on one streaming platform? This is why I pirate!

Me: So you want one company to have a monopoly on all entertainment? Just admit you don't want to pay for stuff.

#streaming #piracy #Monopoly #Justifications

[no-thanks-kindly-fuck-off]

So, during my 1st year of college I've been creating a bucket list of lows, the mental breakdown subathon if you will.

It consists of a list of shit i want to do when I'm sleep deprived and burnt out and honestly hating life

I might do one of these

And I'm sharing it here so if one day i lose the notes app I'll have some of my lists here

now, don't you worry ik some of these r like "why would u watch that?". cause its funny. And i think doing it while sleep deprived is even more funny don't judge my methods

Reading all the young dudes

Rewatch haikyuu

Rewatch banana fish

Installing mystic messenger and playing it (nothing helps being sleep deprived more than having to put alarms for 3am am i right?)

Installing obey me again (it's funny shut up)

Going off the deep end and starting to listen to Taylor Swift

Buying a tape recorder (cause i make impulsive decisions when i'm deep in a media cough cough tma cough)

Watching good omens

Watching helluva boss

-Dyeing my hair (i have done this but it was on the list)

For now this is the list. It is always growing tho

#idk how i should tag this #tbh idk if I should- #ye i won't #bucket list of lows #mental breakdown subathon #now #justifications #all the young dudes? i hate jkr but i like the maraurders #+ i think it's amazing how the whole fandom was created from basically nothing #it's like #one of the only pieces from hp that jkr hasn't said or done content about #it's safe #rewatch haikyuu? i miss my boys okay that anime just brings me lots amount of joy #rewatch banana fish for the exact opposite reason #it'll make me cry and sometimes all you need is a good heavy cry #installing mystic messenger cause i only did one route once (zen) and tbh i think it'd be entertaining #obey me? look it's kinda funny #really weird #but it is kinda funny #+ i really like barbatos okay shut up #taylor swift? it will happen one day #my best friend is a swifty so tbh it's only a matter of time #the tape recorder is in no way shape or form related to tma shut up shhhh #good omens? again it'll happen #probrably #maybe i'll read the book #i honestly don't understand how many books there r if its only one idk im confusion probrably the reason i haven't read it yet #helluva boss? i have no clue i think it's kinda funky #yes I am slightly sleep deprived rn shut up i napped on the subway okay I don't need sleep

[chaiaurchaandni]

does throwing a stone at a tank

make a child a terrorist?

is terrorism about resisting oppression? is terrorism about demanding your birthright to live safely and peacefully in your homeland? is terrorism about hating the killers of your family, your friends and your people?

accusations of terrorism are often weaponized against those fighting for liberation and sovereignty and dignity. the french settlers called the algerians terrorists. the indian government calls the kashmiris terrorists. the pakistani army calls pashtun activists terrorists. the turkish government calls the kurds terrorists. apartheid south africa called nelson mandela a terrorist. americans called the vietcong and the black panthers terrorists. the israelis call the palestinians terrorists. all oppressive regimes are connected. all oppressed people are connected. injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

#fares odeh #this is the justification that israel uses to imprison and kill palestinian children #accusations of terrorism are often weaponized against poc who fight for liberation #'wider impact: after odeh's picture became famous israeli tanks were told to start shooting at stone throwers' absolutely insane #free palestine #palestine #gaza #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #glory to the martyrs #long live palestine #death to israel #long live the resistance #save the children #palestinian resistance

[infoscoop]

Guerre en Ukraine : l'ambassadeur chinois en France suscite de vives réactions à Pékin

Guerre en Ukraine : l'ambassadeur chinois en France suscite de vives réactions à Pékin https://infoscoop.fr/wp-content/uploads/polemique-suite-aux-declarations-de-lambassadeur-chinois-en-france-2864.webp L'ambassadeur chinois en France a nié la souveraineté d'ex-républiques soviétiques en Crimée. #ambassadeurchinoisenfrance #exrépubliquessoviétiques #guerreenukraine #crimée #pékin #polémique #ambassadeurchinois #souveraineté #controverse #russie #diplomatie #relationsinternationales #politiqueétrangère #chine #souciéconomique #soucipolitique #minimisation #affairediplomatique #autoritéschinoises #observateurs #indignation #justifications #dirigeantschinois #reconnaissanceinternationale #communautéinternationale #principesjuridiques #principedesouveraineté https://is.gd/n9xWJt

#Affaire diplomatique #Ambassadeur chinois #Autorités chinoises #Chine #Communauté internationale #Controverse #Crimée #diplomatie #Dirigeants chinois #Ex-républiques soviétiques #Guerre en Ukraine #indignation #Justifications #Minimisation #observateurs #Pékin #Polémique #Politique étrangère #Principe de souveraineté #Principes juridiques #Reconnaissance internationale #Relations internationales #Russie #Souci économique #Souci politique #Souveraineté

[allcalculator]

Why should you use a Statistics Calculator?

If you've read thus far, you presumably believe that statistics is a subject you must master whether you're a math student, a recent graduate, or even a mother assisting your child with his statistics homework. Yet, there is still the question of why you should use our descriptive statistics calculator as opposed to a standard scientific one or seeing a teacher. We're pleased you asked, so let us give you a few justifications for using our tool:

Expensive Tuition 

Math tutors can be very costly these days, but there are good reasons for that, so they are not to blame. After all, they depend on it for their livelihood, and they've undoubtedly spent years learning the subject and honing their abilities so they can teach it to young people. Also, tutors may help you by pointing out your errors and correcting them.

Even if such justifications could persuade some parents to spend the money on a tutor, it's still a considerable sum of money, especially in light of the fact that you can achieve almost the same outcomes by utilizing our.

Can become self-reliant with our calculator

No matter what industry you work in, admitting one's errors and attempting to correct them is a crucial component of developing and getting better. Arithmetic is about learning and being motivated to advance, not about showing your instructor the right answer to feel great in front of your peers. Simply input the issue, choose Display, and review the outcome. If you made a mistake, you may review the detailed steps that lead to the outcomes to determine the precise level at which you erred.

You'll not only bring the right assignment to the class, but you'll also advance your statistical expertise by doing so.

Statistics Calculator 

Have you ever tried performing statistics on a standard scientific calculator? Even the simplest jobs may be really hard to do, especially if you're new to the statistics area. Push shift, click this, and click there. Our is the simpler, more user-friendly option you're searching for.

What else can you do with the online calculator?

An allcalculator.net’s statistics calculator  software may help you with everything you need to perform in the subject of statistics. This app can serve as a: This app can serve as thanks to the built-in examples, clear symbols and interface, and precise directions that are delivered by the AI.

Calculator for statistics and probability

Calculator for AP statistics scores

Alternative to the Ti 84 statistics calculator online

Calculate percentiles; statistics

Statistics from a power calculator

statistics using a probability calculator

Calculator for T-test statistics

An allcalculator.net’s statistics calculator includes all the features of the legendary calculator, but with a more user-friendly design and instructions. Hence, the claim that it is an online virtual graphing calculator is entirely accurate. What more could you possibly want? It's time for you to start working on your assignment!

#legendary #Arithmetic #justifications #statistical

[potassiumprincess]

i think marinette is worse at resting when she's sick but adrien is worse at sitting things out if he's injured. i have no explanation, these are just the vibes

#ml #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #okay i lied i do have justifications #adrien probably just. would love being taken care of if he's sick #it's maybe something his mom used to do but not ENOUGH #and marinette would absolutely spoil him #but marinette is all I AM FINE IT IS JUST A COLD I AM FINE meanwhile she nearly falls off a rooftop in a dizzy spell #but adrien hate being kept away from ppl he loves. hates not being able to protect them. and an injury is more long-term and isolating #meanwhile...idk marinette feels to me like an injurt would leave her more defeated. she'd feel like she failed somehow #like she is SUPPOSED to be ladybug she is SUPPOSED to keep herself together to keep the city safe #so i think that would take a lot of her energy she'd be frustrated about it yes but also sort of...admit defeat #adrien would find ways to cheer her up though 🥺

[kcj2kw8cqx]

Hardcore gangbang at pool party Testing Modern Manners Teen boys gay sex stories and gag truckers fuck raw rough Elder COLEGIALA LE GUSTA MONTAR Big booty bitches on ig live Boys male gay porn video clips Too much candy grounds Ryan Sharp in a crossdressing bisexual amateur sissy faggot loves the tase of his own piss and drinks half a bottle of it بنت تناك جامد اوووي أجمل فلام سكس ٠١٠٠٥٣٧٩٦٨٧ لبنات فقط انا شاب مش بنت Threesome sex therapy Big Tits MILF Step Mom Sex With Stepson After Getting Horny Watching Him Masturbate indian bambi webcam model

#sweet-bitter #touch #dicoumarin #muscle #rhizocaulus #bratticer #entopopliteal #wimpling #shepherdy #Danai #tsine #filibustering #unmoderate #besmutted #Cotinga #ladies-tresses #spirit-soothing #justifications #thought-hating #unshrunken

[howifeltabouthim]

In the meantime, though, while you have been intensely busy, it is difficult to account for how the time is spent.

Renata Adler, from Pitch Dark

#where did the time go? #justifications #judgement #lack of progress #judged #relatable #quotes #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #busy #time flies #renata adler #pitch dark

[voltaical-art]

im in agony. a little self indulgent but I think wyll deserves to be told he's loved and have a small breakdown about it

#bg3 #wyll ravengard #tav #wyll x tav #baldur's gate 3 #voltaical ocs #bishop #finally downloaded one (1) font bc i had too much dialog for this #i dont even hate ulder taht much i just thing wyll should talk about ANY complicated feelings he has about him. #also the way wyll always seems to be quoting him like pls what are YOUR THOUGHTS not some cryptic thing your father told you 10 years ago #and rlly if you take the way wyll describes the situation as hard truth #ALL the justification Ulder had for banishing his son #are conclusions WYLL has come to on his OWN since ulder only said ‘one word to him’ #LIKE his relationship with his father could have been SO interesting but wyll isn’t allowed to have ANY introspection at all #so he just apologizes and wyll continues to try and please him

[coochiequeens]

Thousands protest against increasing violence against women in Kenya as they march to the parliamentary building and supreme court in the capital Nairobi [Gerald Anderson/Anadolu Agency]

Published On 27 Jan 202427 Jan 2024

Thousands of people have gathered to protest in cities and towns in Kenya against the recent slayings of more than a dozen women.

The anti-femicide demonstration on Saturday was the largest event ever held in the country against sexual and gender-based violence.

In the capital, Nairobi, protesters wore T-shirts printed with the names of women who became homicide victims this month. The crowd, composed mostly of women, brought traffic to a standstill.

“Stop killing us!” the demonstrators shouted as they waved signs with messages such as “There is no justification to kill women.”

The crowd in Nairobi was hostile to attempts by the parliamentary representative for women, Esther Passaris, to address them. Accusing Passaris of remaining silent during the latest wave of killings, protesters shouted her down with chants of “Where were you?” and “Go home!”

“A country is judged by not how well it treats its rich people, but how well it takes care of the weak and vulnerable,” said Law Society of Kenya President Eric Theuri, who was among the demonstrators.

Kenyan media outlets have reported the slayings of at least 14 women since the start of the year, according to Patricia Andago, a data journalist at media and research firm Odipo Dev who also took part in the march.

Odipo Dev reported this week that news accounts showed at least 500 women were killed in acts of femicide from January 2016 to December 2023. Many more cases go unreported, Andago said.

Two cases that gripped Kenya this month involved two women who were killed at Airbnb accommodations. The second victim was a university student who was dismembered and decapitated after she reportedly was kidnapped for ransom.

Theuri said cases of gender-based violence take too long to be heard in Kenyan court, which he thinks emboldens perpetrators to commit crimes against women.

“As we speak right now, we have a shortage of about 100 judges. We have a shortage of 200 magistrates and adjudicators, and so that means that the wheel of justice grinds slowly as a result of inadequate provisions of resources,” he said.

People gather to protest in an anti-femicide demonstration, the largest event of its kind ever held in Kenya. [Gerald Anderson/Anadolu Agency]

Kenyan media outlets have reported the slayings of at least 14 women since the start of the year. [Gerald Anderson/Anadolu Agency]

A protester holds a Palestinian flag during a march to protest against the rising cases of femicide, in downtown Nairobi. [Brian Inganga/AP Photo]

Women and feminists in Kenya took to the streets to march against the rising cases of femicide. [Brian Inganga/AP Photo]

In Nairobi, protesters wore T-shirts printed with the names of women who became homicide victims this month. [Gerald Anderson/Anadolu Agency]

Protesters react against the rising cases of femicide. [Brian Inganga/AP Photo]

A human rights activist reacts as she attends a protest demanding an end to femicide in the country. [Monicah Mwangi/Reuters]

Protesters gather during the anti-femicide demonstration. [Gerald Anderson/Anadolu Agency]

The crowd, composed mostly of women, brought traffic to a standstill. [Gerald Anderson/Anadolu Agency]

#Kenya #Femicide #Nairobi #There is no justification to kill women #The court systems taking too long to hold perpetrators accountable #The power of women standing together #Please reblog #Western media isn't going to give this the coverage this deserves

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

He was just being a silly little guy!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #jin guangyao #wen ruohan #nie mingjue #lan xichen #JGY's character is the zigging and zagging guy of all time #We love a little meow meow that can bite and scratch and kill you. #We also love a little meow meow that can mewl pathetically! #'He's evil now and torturing his former friend?" ZAG TIME: He's a spy and feels soooo awful about it!! #ZIG TIME: He (probably) didn't need to go that deep into the role and kill as many people as he did. #Something I really love about the sworn brother trio is how they reflect how our feelings distort our perception of others. #Lan Xichen represents how when we love/care about someone -anything they do can be endearing. They aren't manipulative: they are clever. #Its less about rose tinted glasses and more about reframing every look you get of them. The constant justifications you make for them. #They just need a space to be loved! “They care for me so I will stand by them no matter what to show them I'm there for them!” #While NMJ represents how when you dislike someone - Everything they do is an affront or proof of their foul character. #Everything is a sign. Everything is 'proof' they are just as awful as you want them to be. Every 'good trait' is twisted. #The problem is that most people are just human. They are flawed and they are capable of good and bad things. #Meng Yao's motivations are very complex. Yet he's extremely human all the same. He isn't the saint nor the monster of the story.