#my adhd anxiety depression etc than i am my hand. so for those kids to react that way to what i THINK

[mavigator]

i talked about it a little bit already but i have things to say about it. for context, i was born with amniotic band syndrome. the amniotic band wrapped around my left wrist in utero and stunted the growth of my hand. i was born with about half a palm, four nubs for fingers, and a twisted half of a thumb. i can open and close my thumb and pinkie joint like a claw.

yesterday at work i had a shift in the room with 5-10 year old kids. i had my left hand hidden in my sleeve (a bad habit of mine). a kid asked if he could see my hand, and even though internally i was debating running into traffic, i said “sure you can” and showed him my hands. he stared for a moment, looking disturbed, and then said “i don’t want to look at that anymore”. that hurt to hear, but i understand that kids are new to the world and he probably didn’t mean it out of malice. i put my hand away again, told him that it was okay, and that i was just born that way.

he then went on to talk about how he knows a kid with a similar hand to mine and called it “ugly”. i told him that wasn’t a very kind thing to say and that he wouldn’t feel good if someone said that to him, and he replied that no one would say that to him—because he has “normal hands”, and he’s glad he does because otherwise he’d be “ugly”. i tried to talk with him for a bit about how everybody is born differently, but he just started talking about a girl he knows with a “messed up face” and pulled on his face to make it look droopy. i went on some more about how it wasn’t very kind to talk about people that way, but the conversation moved on to something else.

i’ve told my supervisors about it and they’re going to have a talk with his mom. what i wanted to say is this: i’m genuinely not upset with the kid. kids are young and naturally curious, and he clearly simply hasn’t been taught about disabled people and kind ways to speak to/about others. which is why i am upset with his parent(s). i know he’s encountered visibly deformed/disabled people before (he said so himself!), yet his parent(s) clearly haven’t had any kind of discussion with him about proper language and behavior. i knew from birth that some people were just different than others, but my parents still made a point to assert to be kind to and accepting of others. i wonder if adults in his life are the type of people to hush him and usher him away when he points out someone in a wheelchair. that kind of thing doesn’t teach politeness. it tells children that disabled people are an Other than can’t be acknowledged or spoken about; which, to a child, means disability must be something bad.

i’m lucky enough that this was a relatively mild incident, and that i’m a grownup with thicker skin. i’m worried about the other kids he mentioned to me. has he been talking to them this way? when i was a kid, i had other kids scream, cry, and run away at the sight of my hand. or follow me around pointing at me and laughing at me. or tell me i couldn’t do something because i was ugly or incapable or whatever. one time a girl at an arcade climbed to the top of the skeeball machine, pointed at me, and screamed at me to put my hand away and wouldn’t stop crying until she couldn’t see me anymore. another time, a kid saw my hand, screamed at the top of her lungs, and ran into my friend’s arms, crying hysterically about how i was scaring her. that second incident made me cry so hard i threw up when i got home. i can kind of laugh it off now, but having people react to me that way as a child is something i’m still getting over. why do you think i have a habit of keeping my hand in my sleeve? it just irritates me to see children that have clearly not been taught basic manners and kindness—their parents Clearly missed something pretty important .

#and for the record i consider my deformity pretty mild. maybe i’m just used to it but things like amniotic band syndrome can turn out a lot #more severe. i rarely even call myself disabled because i don’t feel like the term is applicable to me. i’m more hindered by like #my adhd anxiety depression etc than i am my hand. so for those kids to react that way to what i THINK #is a pretty small thing. makes me worry about people that are more visibly disabled #Kids.That are more visibly disabled

[inez-winchester-cameron]

for the spn matchmaking thing !

i go by tooth or mabel, and i suffer from depression, anxiety, spd, adhd, and did.

i am gender-fluid non-binary and go by they/he/she (fem presenting) and am biromantic and asexual.

i also have autism, fibromyalgia, and hypermobility.

thanks to those last two up there, i constantly feel like crap (ex., legs always hurting, entire body always hurting, getting pounding headaches at the most inconvenient times, etc.).

im shy, but when i get comfortable around you i will be the most INSANE, chaotic, psychotic, slightly-murderous idiot you will EVER meet.

thanks to most of the shows i “grew up on” being murder mysteries, i know a shit-ton of facts about murder, death, and things like that.

my clothing style is a mix of cozy/grunge/goth, and i’m constantly wearing rings and chipped black nail polish. chances are there’s some paint or doodles/ink on my hands/arms too, lol.

i have short dirty-blonde hair with the underside dyed a bright orange (looks like natural red hair), but if i had a choice my hair would probably be blue or green (lmao). i have pale skin and a slim figure, but i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have some pudge.

i am a very artistic person, i can often be seen drawing or painting, and if i’m not i’m most likely playing a game or watching something.

i’m a huge animal lover, but i’m not great with kids.

some special interests of mine include~! (other than spn lmao) :;

bluey

art

stuffed animals

DINOSAURS (another thing a know a lot abt))

being a weird little guy

detective shows (old and new)

jurassic world/park

taylor swift (what can i say,,)

mcu

sleeping

school bus graveyard/homesick

and way too many more-!

hope i didn’t just overwhelm you with all that info abt me… lmao

You'd fit well w Cas and here's why:

He'd be so so so understanding abt all the illnesses and take such good care of you. he might ask lotsa questions tho

Cas is just a questions guy so he'd ask tons of questions abt ur hyperfixations

I just think Cas would be so so good for you

Also Cas does not have gender preference when it comes to relationships, he just sees souls

Cas would adore you

Event

#💕Missouri's Matchmaking #castiel #cas x reader

[falcqns]

Not the same anon who asked about it but wow your house and future plans sound so awesome! I’m trying not to feel inadequate lol, you’re younger than me (I’m in my late twenties) and you’re married with a kid and getting a house and everything! (i’m still with my parents for $$ and mental health reasons, also I’m american and the housing market is a hot mess anyway) anyway, congrats on all the big life happenings, you’re awesome!

thank you bby <3. and don't feel inadequate!! i definitely don't have my life together lol. i am still living with my parents for the same reasons, although i am preparing to move into a one bedroom apartment with my husband and child. and i definitely relate on the housing market. we got super super lucky with our house, honestly. it used to be a rental, but the landlord is a friend of my grandparents, and felt like they were getting too old to run an apartment and decided to retire and to sell it. my grandparents had been helping us look for a place because we were getting evicted (not our fault, the building was being sold and was bought within a week of being on the market and we had to find a place really quick) so they sold it to us at a discounted price. we definitely werent in a place to buy a home just off the market, believe me. i was working 2.5 hours a day for $16.39 and relied on my parents for almost everything other than Bubba's stuff.

and don't feel bad for living with your parents for mental health reasons! more children are living with their parents longer to save money and convenience! i could have totally gotten another job and got an apartment, but my job and living at home allowed me to do school, parent my daughter, and walk to work, which saved on bills a ton (no gas money, no babysitter/daycare, no rent, ty mom and dad <3) as my only bills were my phone and groceries which i easily paid for with my budget of around $700 a month.

i'm not sure where you live, but i know where i live, there are resources and funding for those in need. when bubba and i were living on our own without andrew, we struggled. i had such bad money anxiety, and switched to cloth diapers because i couldn't afford $30 for diapers every month when i was paying rent, utilities, wifi, life insurance, food, etc. while being in school, parenting, and struggling mentally (depression, anxiety, undiagnosed adhd, and age regressing when i didn't know what it was was not a good mix) and i could have absolutely benefitted from living with my parents, something my parents offered multiple times. they always offered me rent help, to drop off groceries, to babysit, to let me move back in and said theyd pay for me to break my lease. and i didn't accept it because of an off hand comment my dad made when i was 17 and got mad at my brother for throwing my makeup out of my bedroom window and said that he hopes i never got pregnant because he didnt want to be raising my child (he apologized, dont worry) but i definitely let that one offhand comment effect my life, relationships and mental health.

living with your parents isnt something to be ashamed of, and neither is not being married/in a relationship. we're all different, and we all develop at different rates. almost 50% of the people i went to school with are married w children or a baby on the way already, and i am aware that i got lucky with andrew. its not everyday that you can find a man who can do a complete 180 from the man they used to be. a small amount of what i have achieved is just pure luck, but the majority of it has been from help.

my grandparents and great aunt and uncle have been a part of my life since i was born, in more than just a grandparent/aunt/uncle way, and more like parents because i have a deadbeat father. the house my parents have used to be my grandparents house. my babysitter was found because she went to church with my great aunt and uncle, and thats how i ended up committing to being a christian. i was able to get to all my appointments as a young child (i have a lot of medical issues which i can talk about if you're curious) because of my aunt and uncle. my mom and i always had housing when i was younger because of my grandparents and their connections. my college has been pretty much paid for my by parents, grandparents, and step grandparents on my dads side.

i have struggled, but i have also been extremely lucky to have the support systems that i do. not every one is as lucky as i have been, but there is no shame in needing help and support, and there is certainly no shame in living at home with your parents. they're your parents, and their job is to provide for you, support you and love you no matter the situation. that includes financially, and from what i can tell, your parents are very understanding and supportive and that is great.

so please, anon, don't feel ashamed or inadequate because what you need at the moment is different from what i need. as an educator, something i remind myself often is every child is different. here are some quotes that i love and stand by that help explain a little more:

every child has a different learning style and pace. every child is unique, not only capable of learning, but capable of succeeding. - robert john meehan

every child is a different flower, and all together make this world a beautiful garden. - anonymous

and my personal favourite:

each child is like a butterfly in the wind. some can fly higher than others, but each one flies as best it can. why compare one against another? each one is different. each one is special. each one is beautiful. - unknown (to me)

while these quotes relate to children and early childhood, this also relates to adults because we were children at one point.

anon, you are just as adequate. everyones needs are different, but that still means you are a wonderful, hard working person, who is doing whats right for themselves, and thats all that matter. ily anon <3 im always here if you want to talk!

#ava's anons #ava's sweet anons #sorry for rambling lol #its a bad habit #and the keyboard clacks that my keyboard is making is really stimulating atm for me after i was severely unstimulated last night and #this morning

[fatedfuturist]

things about my interpretation of tony stark. updated june 07, 2020.

here’s my exhaustive explanation for how i am not canon-compliant with the events and characterization of the mcu.

the reason for this is… well, there are several reasons, but i don’t want to stir shit up or just, in general, stomp on anyone else’s love for the mcu. and don’t get me wrong— i do love the mcu! but there are parts i’m critical of for personal reason, as we all have opinions on certain things. bc, yeah, you can love something, or someone, and still be logically critical about it or them.

anyway, here’s where my interpretation differs…

as per stated on my rules: i take inspiration for tony from multiple sources, including the mcu, marvel comics, the television show: avengers assemble, and my own personal headcanons. TONY IS ALSO ASIAN (SPECIFICALLY CHINESE) AMERICAN!!

i will admit that saying this isn’t particularly helpful if people don’t know, specifically, where i differ in terms of my interpretation of our dumbass genius. some of this info is scattered about on my blog, but here, it’s all consolidated into one post.

chen kun is my face claim, and i do use stuff from tony’s story from the mcu as a base. however, there are events and moments from the movies, that i selectively ignore due to personal preference; and then i build on top of my foundation with ideas, themes, and/or events from other sources such as the aforementioned sources listed above.

throwing this all under a read more because, like i said: exhaustive list. very. very. very fucking long. i’m serious– read at your own risk.

howard stark was an extremely abusive and absent father for all of tony’s childhood; tony did actively seek attention and approval from howard because he was rather aware of how famous he was and wanted the acceptance and validation from his dad; there wasn’t much shown in the mcu regarding his relationship with his father, but my inspiration for his father-son relationship comes from the comics;

an example of his verbal abuse: “you don’t want to be a sissy, now do you? stark men are made of iron!” (Iron Man, 1968);

an example of early exposure to alcohol: at age five, howard forced a drink into tony’s hand (which he did drink), stating that it would teach him “to be a man,” and that it’d “put hair on your chest” (Iron Man, 1968);

yes, this means that tony ‘forgiving’ howard in endgame is completely chucked out the window;

tony loses his parents the night of december 16, 1996 (not 12/16/1991), at the age of seventeen;

jarvis, the family butler, was more of a father to tony than howard ever was, and yes, this is why he names his first fully-functioning AI system jarvis;

tony was close with his mother, maria; she was his safehouse, and she taught him to be gentle and loving, and she also taught him the piano, which tony still periodically practices during his own time in private. in an avengers assemble episode, there is a piano in the tower that tony protects twice, which i reckon is because it has connections to his past with maria;

tony ain’t an old grandpa. i don’t see him being older than, like, 35–40 in the present time for my writing (chen kun is 44). this comes from comic and avengers assemble inspiration, which has been fairly ambiguous since they never mention his age. for plotting purposes in the mcu though, yes, he can be like 42–52 if needed.

tony is, by default, single unless otherwise stated. the reason for this is simply because i’m not big on tony / pepper in the mcu, and it’s not because i don’t like pepper (i love her as a character as an individual), but i just saw that the way they were written (so, this, yes, blames the mcu writers) was completely trash; they sort of redeemed it in endgame, but... in general, they had a lot of potential but then some writing choices pretty much ruined the ship for me;

this means that morgan does not exist unless otherwise specified and discussed, though i do enjoy the concert of tony being a dad to his own kid and breaking that cycle of howard’s shitty parenting;

i’m going to be as honest and transparent as i can: i do, for certain, love writing stevetony. they’re my primary ship. not simply in mcu dynamics, but from the comics and avengers assemble. however, like some can attest to, i will never force a ship on anyone. if you express no interest in them romantically? that’s fine. we can write them simply as good friends and comrades. i won’t stop writing or plotting with you if you don’t like them in a romantic dynamic. if you do like it that way? cool. i know it might be intimidating to discuss this given i look like complete trash for them, but i never choose who i will/will not write with based on whether we ship or not;

tony, publicly, hints toward being bisexual and biromantic a lot of the time as he’ll practically flirt with anyone at all times, but he never really openly admits it due to his oh-so ancient internalized homophobia (thank you for that one, howard and societal expectations of the time);

justin hammer is a long time rival in the industry, and often meddles with tony and his work all the time. it’s nothing new. the lack of foundation established in IM2 doesn’t provide much insight into their relationship. long story short (taken from avengers assemble): hammer is a punk bitch who’s jealous and tony is tired of him and will gladly beat his ass any day of the week whenever he drives a tank into his front door (which happens more often than not).

tony is fantastic with children. he loves getting to interact with children because he knows how excited they are to see him and/or iron man (seen in both the mcu and in the comics). this type of attention he’s okay about. if he can inspire children to do good things and be good people and be heroes in their own right, then he’s doing his job;

tony fosters the intelligence and dreams of bright individuals all the time by offering scholarships for high school graduates and post-secondary students, and also provides internship opportunities (equal opportunities regardless of race, sex, gender, religion, disability status, age, etc.)

we only see this occur with peter and harley in the mcu, but there are other kids— like riri williams! tony sees these kids for the bright minds that they have and he wants to help them and keep them safe as he knows these are the brains of the future.

let me run over iron man 3. like i said, i ignore some shit from the movies. tony doesn’t initiate the clean slate protocol, he doesn’t throw the arc reactor into the ocean, and he doesn’t remove the arc reactor from his chest. he will get surgery to get the shrapnel removed because if i were the follow the pain that comes with the comics, tony would literally be always on the verge of death at all times, requiring a chest plate to be recharged constantly to make sure the shrapnel doesn’t get closer– see? that’s a lot and i’m... lazy.

the reason for those choices are simple: clean slate protocol undoes his character progression;

the arc reactor is just a part of him as a person, stands as his heart;

avengers movie nights, (video/board) game nights, and training days exist and you will never be able to pry that out of my hands. tony always shows up fashionably late with coffee and pays for when shit gets broken by thor. team building exercises exist plenty within avengers assemble, including the fact that they share chores and decides who gets to do the next load of laundry from whoever chooses the short stick from the bunch.

tony has had anxiety and depression since he was a child. it just didn’t really flare up and get identified as a real, tangible mess of emotions and thoughts until he’d been kidnapped (and nearly died, at that). it got worse when he failed to address it until after IM3. into the present-day, tony deals with anxiety, depression, and PTSD all the time, but has improved (…sort of) when it comes to handling all of it, and certainly has grown to recognize similar symptoms in the people he cares about;

on another hand, tony has displayed symptoms of ADHD, but it’s not officially diagnosed, and some of these symptoms include, but are not limited to: hyperactivity (staying awake for days on end) and hyperfocus (hyper-focus on work), distractible (easily distracted when he’s not focused on something), rambling (talks a lot and often makes rather intuitive connections due to how busy his brain functions), impulsivity and recklessness (self explanatory), constant need to move around and/or do something (in meetings, he will be moving somehow, whether it’s tapping fingers or feet, or shifting around in his seat);

there are days where he feels inferior due to how human he knows he is (in comparison to most of his team), and other days, he feels as though he’s more machine than he is man. these feelings fluctuate depending on how he’s doing with his mental health, and/or if he hears and/or sees anything about him that points toward either idea;

there is always overwhelming guilt for those he can’t keep safe or people that die; tony doesn’t like to kill anybody (unless it’s robots, because… they’re robots, not human lives); though, if pushed far enough with no other choice, he will throw conventional morality out the window for the sake of protecting all that he believes to be for the good of the world;

tony isn’t jacked. he isn’t captain america fit, but he isn’t particularly thin, either. his body is sort of like a runner’s build (for visuals, refer to valerio schiti’s comic art of tony). i interpret tony’s body as a slight bit slimmer. he exercises, and being in the suit also is its own form of exercise. god forbid we discuss his eating habits, though. and–– he also isn’t short short, but he isn’t tall, either. he sits at 5’10”, which might be a little below the average male, but that’s about it.

speaking of eating habits, simply put: tony can’t cook for shit and that’s it. he’ll try to cook for his significant others’ on the occasion, but he can’t be blamed if he burns everything.

tony isn’t ‘woke’ or perfect, as it’s imperative to remember he grew up as rich and with financial and some social class privilege (since he was rich), despite the abuse and harassment he experienced during his youth. it’s taken him time to recognize this, and he realizes it really doesn’t cost anything to be a better person, which is why he tries to be better when it comes to his tone of voice when discussing certain topics he has no authority to be speaking of, and by taking action with simple manual labour when it comes to chores (so he doesn’t hire other people to do shit for him). he also knows he can’t be a man of ‘all bark and no bite’ when it comes to supporting people and causes, hence why he actively advocates for female and youth empowerment through both words and actions.

in regards to ca:cw events, i would prefer to ignore them. for specific-plotting purposes, this can be dropped, but i prefer the events of avengers assemble when it comes to ‘civil war’. it’s actually really simple:

tony was not honest about his intentions with the team regarding a robot that was initially made for him by howard, which ended up with an ultron reboot that nearly risked loads of civilian lives and the team’s lives;

steve confronted tony about it when they returned back to avengers tower. with tony’s insistence that everything was now fine, steve decided to resign due to tony’s dishonesty and lack of trust in the team;

this splits the team in half, where steve takes— well, they decided to leave since they didn't like tony's lack of honesty— natasha, the hulk, and the falcon to work under SHIELD as the ‘secret avengers,’ and tony, clint, and thor remain as leftover avengers (later with the addition of ant-man and temporarily, spider-man, in some missions);

in the end, they all join back together after learning to appreciate their differences and reconciling under the fact that there wouldn’t be any more secrets that could risk the world, and the team’s safety;

if i am to follow the events of the mcu— between ca:cw and infinity war, he develops nanotech for his armour, which is embedded into his very skin to accommodate for nanobots, which interacts via neural transmissions (visuals here);

tony recognizes that he lost his temper and let his emotions get to him in the moment, which fucked up shit that could’ve been talked through and fixed;

tony is an alcoholic. he recognizes that he always will be, though he’s always working toward sobriety. he certainly relapses every so often when things are rough and he feels as if he has no other options, but he’s aware that relapsing is part of the process of recovery. he has attended AA meetings (alcoholics anonymous), and has been AA sponsors for people in the past;

to skim through the events of infinity war and endgame should these be part of the things you’re curious about (this is getting really long and i’m sure you’re tired of reading this—how have you gotten this far?):

after returning from space, tony took a few months (~ five) to recover from those three months of malnutrition, dehydration, and the wound of thanos’ stab. tony sealed the front of his injury, but he sure as hell wasn’t seen dealing with the back end. during this time, he’s able to regain some muscle mass;

he lives on his own, retreating to the cabin to escape from the responsibilities of being a fallen hero who ultimately failed the people he was supposed to protect.

during the five year gap, he keeps in contact with the other avengers, but very rarely. they’re the only ones who know where he lives;

like i said— tony does not say any of that forgiving bullcrap to howard. victims of abuse don’t have to forgive their abuser, parent or not. let’s just imagine the entire interaction didn’t happen at all;

tony doesn’t die;

he used the infinity stones; but, to maintain consistency with what the mcu established w/ thanos: he sustained significant damage to his right arm, up to the shoulder and neck. it’s gravely scarred. the overall function of that arm also diminished greatly. vision out of his right eye is not as sharp as it once was, either;

a year of recovery and physiotherapy later, tony decides to amputate and go for a prosthetic. he works with shuri and wakandan tech to build an arm;

despite the end of the looming, world-ending thread, tony still battles resurfacing trauma. not every day is happy, but he is working toward recovery. there are days he doesn’t remember chunks of what happened due to the power of the infinity stones; sometimes, he doesn’t even want to remember it, anyway;

tony retires. sort of. for the most part. if the world really needs iron man, he’ll be there;

tony may have handed CEO-ship to pepper, but he still handles a lot of work for stark industries, and that’s what he primarily does post-endgame.

the multiverse and realm-traveling happens a-fucking-lot 

#✧ i just want to feel like i’m still living. ≻ headcanon. #well fuck this took over an hour #and now i need to go to bed lmAOOOO #the formatting seems a bit whack bc i just copied and pasted it from my notes #but oh well #MFDSJHFDJSDFS #fuck this got long #long post // #tw: long post

[vio1315]

Okay, I actually have some sleep in me to reply! But not the will to scroll 80 years to do it in the post

@dorks-in-fiction @ribbonreverse

dorks-in-fiction said:  Well almost everyone truly *does* feel anxious at some point. So someone who doesn’t have a big anxiety problem saying “I’m anxious” or “I have anxiety about this” is legit. It’s not like they get a little nervous about smth and say “haha my GAD is kicking in!” Compare that to “oops sorry I got distracted! Haha I’m soooo ADHD” or “I’m a little OCD bc I like my things to be nice and neat :3” in which the conditions are treated like quirks instead of being taken seriously I guess to me, people can say ‘I’m anxious’ or ‘I’m depressed’ without having those things because it’s kind of like having two words with two diff meaning

I don’t get why it isn’t treated as a separate word when people use it in that way, since even without it having a diff form, there’s a distinction in usage??

(unrelated but) Heck people can even say they have agoraphobia and not really and it wouldn’t bother me, personally

ribbonreverse said:  for me, i think it’s usually that folks use “oh lol i’m so ocd” in ways that misrepresent the severity or nature of the symptoms. this makes it harder for nt folks to understand because “why are you obsessing over whether taking extra free sugar packets is theft, what do you mean it’s ocd?? this has nothing to do with hand-washing or counting things?” plus it’s kind of making light of a serious health issue ribbonreverse said:  ** of what can be a serious health issue for some folks (i accidentally hit reply before i was done editing lol)

Oh, is your moral difficulty you mentioned connected to ocd? Breh, that sucks man

I feel like, people always misunderstand most mental illness until researching more, since it comes from just ignorance.

Such that, when I was young, I did relate ocd to just handwashing etc, since that’s the only context I heard of it in, but I also related agoraphobia to only fear of leaving the house, as depression as only feeling sad, and so on

some of these were used inaccurately in hyperbole to confirm these thoughts, and others weren’t, it was simply my ignorance that made me simplify the conditions in my mind.  now that I know more about them, it isn’t lessened by being around the secondary usage of those words

When speaking to a coworker they mentioned

‘I’m very ocd’ on organization (they’re so hardcore about it, very impressive person), and I said

‘I’m not ocd, I’m just anal’ (since I’m very messy but get Zoned in at work)

Using the secondary meaning didn’t take away from my knowledge of the mental illness, though it wasn’t being used to educate others either

I think, these words being used as a secondary meaning, if that was taken away, wouldn’t do much to lessen misunderstandings unless you also started teaching people, or speaking of the less commonly understood factors of the illnesses to a wide audience, is what I’m meaning there

All the detective shows and medical shows (fiction or otherwise) that I saw as a kid did nothing to help, because when they spoke of the Actual Illness, they portrayed it as the stereotype, which had the worse effect than people who I knew full well did not have the illness (because they obviously also knew they didn’t have it) using the term to be hyperbolic

Which even in my ignorance, I did understand that having these illnesses would be a very Extreme, Life Altering thing. Even if I thought it was just clean obsession, I did at least understand it’d be miserable and require a lot of a persons time to keep up with, that they were Compelled to, and didn’t have an easy time not giving in

So indeed, the terms being used these ways, even back then, registered to me as hyperbole, and didn’t confuse me on meanings the same way the portrayals of people with these conditions did

That got long, aha, sorry, I am not good at concise, only Exact

But those are the gist of my thoughts as to why I don’t feel bothered. I just kind of view it like slang or hyperbole

Which I understand will be very subjective regardless, as I get hurt over people saying stuff that nobody else gets hurt over

I just like to consider the logic on this stuff, to better understand peoples positions and so on

I need to clarify my motivations of this discussion, or I might be perceived ieved as cold hearted keh

#Vio Speaks #Sorry I ramble #but it was engaging for me to write for Some Reason fjdjdke so I was enjoying it #I guess it’s been a long time since I have been able to put together such a thing for discussion

[ra-lek]

Hi! I know you’ve touched on the topic briefly before, but if you don’t mind I’d love to hear any more in-depth thoughts you have on autistic Elliot. It’s one of my favorite headcanons and it’s always fascinating to see other people’s thoughts on it! (Also I just wanted to say that you have a really interesting way of analyzing the show and you seem like a such a genuinely chill, kind person, thank you for being awesome)

heya, i don’t mind at all!! this headcanon is great and there’s a lot of material to work with and analyze so i’m absolutely on board with elaborating more; 

but first i gotta establish a few things:

i am not a professional and can’t talk about autism the same way i’ve talked about body language or dissociative identity disorder. mainly because i’ve done essays on the latter and am more educated on the subject, unlike with this specific disorder.

but yo that doesn’t mean i don’t know anything cause psychology is my sHit- i just felt it was necessary for you to know that i’m not as confident in my analysis as i usually am; so feel free to correct me!!

next, in canon, elliot is diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety disorder. with a couple of ’delusional’ mentions thrown here and there. however, we most certainly know he suffers from DID as well- and the fact it’s his MAJOR problem and hasn’t been properly acknowledged by the show leaves us with room to speculate.

and finally- i’ve been diagnosed with and am being treated for clinical depression and anxiety disorder. so i will point things out from my perspective here as well, since people with anxiety have similar symptoms to people on the spectrum and/or people with ADHD/ADD. (sometimes even OCD)

alright now that that’s all clear we can finally start looking at his behavior!!

first and foremost, autism & ad(h)d are developmental disorders because the symptoms for them can generally be noticed in early childhood; as opposed to anxiety which is a mental illness. so it’s entirely possible to have a cocktail of disorders in your head.

i’m bringing ADD up a lot because i’ve been speculated to have it & am supposed to take some tests- but am not officially diagnosed yet. now that we’ve got my entire family history, blood type & credit card number laid out, we’re ready to go.

anyway, these are the symptoms:

1. difficulty with communication & interaction with others

this is probably where anxiety, add and autism collide the most. though in very different ways- and they’re not exclusive to people with one of these diagnosis only. 

for example, eye contact. i’m terrible at it. people with autism & anxiety are also pretty darn bad at it, and elliot might seem that way at times; he hides a lot- but not as often as he tends to hold an intense eye contact, instead? which can also be seen as an ‘odd’ thing to do in social communication. as in, not noticing if someone’s uncomfortable under such gaze, let’s say.

that brings me to the next topic which is uh, coincidentally, communication.

he is quite blunt when it comes to it, has a distinctive ‘flat’ #elliotvoice tone. @mototwinkclub pointed out a few instances last time this topic was brought up, such as saying “i’m okay with it being awkward between us” to matpat ollie or “not at all, actually.” with gideon- and he doesn’t do it to be rude. doesn’t really realize it’s ‘bad’ to say it like that, either.

i mean i know he said he’s trying to work on his social anxiety but that’s not quite how you’d go about it? i firmly believe he suffers from generalized anxiety. obviously, that includes social anxiety as well; but this way you could explain why he’s way more concerned with…everything else. and is pretty straightforward in conversation.

since i referenced the pilot, one of the first lines he says about himself is “i don’t know how to talk to people. the only person person i could talk to was my dad- but he died.” which brings us back to the developmental aspect of this disorder. since he’s indicating he didn’t know how to talk to people even when he was a kid. which is true, in every flashback we see he either doesn’t talk at all or talks very little.

what’s interesting though- although he’s bad at reading 'conversation’- he’s extremely good at reading people. and the fact he 'looks for the worst in them’ contradicts the usual aspect that’s brought up when it comes to an autistic thought process, which is made out to be like “if i wouldn’t do this, then why would anyone else?” and it’s not the way he thinks at all.

instead, he feels empathy on a moral level if that makes sense? people on the spectrum are said to either be too empathic or not at all. and it’s hard to pinpoint elliot? because, clearly, he cares for people as much as he doesn’t trust them. use an example the reason he leaked ray’s information. he literally said “but then i keep thinking about those people.” but we haven’t seen him empathize with, for instance, vera- even when he gave a pretty tragic backstory. he can tell who the bad guy is. 

when it comes to spacing out, he does it all the time. people on the spectrum do it all the time, i certainly do it all the time. but we have to focus on what he is thinking about when he does it- because that is our indicator. 

we usually see his thoughts filled with paranoia, over-thinking, analyzing, etc,.. which i associate with anxiety disorder mostly? but, we have to take into account something he suffers from the most and it’s dissociative identity disorder. so not only does he space out, but he tends to dissociate, as well. perfect example for this is when he mutes the world around him. or just doesn’t listen.

once again, from the pilot, when angela tells him “stop thinking about something else while i’m talking to you!!” he isn’t actually daydreaming or spacing out in the usual sense- he’s recalling the night (mostly for the viewer than for himself let’s be honest) she’s talking about and we see that he was too anxious to go in. he doesn’t tell her that.

now let’s talk about his no-touch policy for a second. that’s something a lot of people on the spectrum have in common. i think it’s, once again, one of those cases where one could be either completely touch-starved or aversive. though we can’t ignore the fact he’d been abused when he was young. 

as i was going through the pilot for most of my evidence here (as you can notice) there’s a very small detail at the beginning when ron leans in to ask “are you blackmailing me!?” and we can see elliot flinch in genuine fear. this is not the only instance where he seems afraid to get hit. breaKs my goddamn heart.

but he’s also the one to initiate contact sometimes- and he often misunderstands the situation. shayla told him not to ask, he kissed darlene, tried kissing angela on the train that time when she denied him- he does it cause that’s what he thinks he should do. 

2. restrictive or repetitve behaviors

he’s absolutely all about those routines- he doesn’t want anything destructing his ’perfectly constructed loop’ anytime he has one. (season 1 starbucks, season 2 jailtime, season 3 ecorp) but it’s important to point out that in all of these scenarios, he’s been to one to break the loop himself. by realizing they weren’t making anything better.

there are a couple of nervous ticks he has, general fidgeting with his hands/hair/hoodie- all of these apply to every disorder we’ve mentioned here.

comfort item/food is a very good one!! since we’ve only ever seen him eat fries, he has a “crying corner” in his room, he’s constantly 'hiding’ under the hoodie. probably the main comfort item.

he’s also insanely hyperfocused on technology and numbers and hacking, obviously- he has a clear routine every time. burn the disc, delete the folder, write a song over one of the cds, shove them under the table. same goes for when he thinks he’s fucked up- throw stuff in the microwave, destroy it, you get the image.

speaking of those cds though, if he can remember exactly which song he wrote for each person he’s got data on; that could be a damn good indicator of it!!

all of this could be a combination of whys and becauses which is super fun if you ask me. elliot is complex and, although i share 2.5 disorders with him, i can’t relate to his actions/coping/thoughs completely all the time.

it just tells you how different everyone’s brains are, you can’t restrict a disorder to a specific pattern and only consider that when diagnosing somebody.

so, in conclusion, elliot could very possibly be autistic!!

#real long one y'all #lemme know what you think though!! #elliot alderson #mr robot #/mine #shutupneil #sjdhjsjs thank you for the compliments tho💕💕💕

[actuallyadhd]

My husband is autistic, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD and have a provisional autism diagnosis. We both have executive dysfunction issues. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and my anxiety just keeps getting worse about how we're going to deal with getting things done once the baby is born. I normally have it under decent control, but with the anxiety getting worse and the resurgence of depression symptoms, the executive dysfunction has gotten so much worse. (1/2)

Really hoping I don’t have to deal with post-partum, but even if I don’t, we’ll still be dealing with lack of sleep. I feel like we’ll be able to adequately handle the baby and clean up after changing diapers, but I’m worried about everything else like cleaning the house. I know we can ask for help, but I don’t want to get dependent on the help either. I couldn’t find anything on the blog about parenting with ADHD, especially executive dysfunction. (2/2)

Sent February 7, 2019

I’ve been meaning to write some posts about parenting with ADHD, now that I’m nearly four years into it. I gotta add that to my list. *does so* Okay.

Now, I will note that you’re ahead of me in all of this because I have never in my life had the housework under control. But we are all doing well, my kid is generally healthy, and that’s the biggest thing.

You have a couple of weeks until the baby comes. In that time, figure out what things are non-negotiable: that is, things that if you can just stay on top of them, you will feel like things are going okay. For me, that’s dishes and laundry. When those get behind, I start to feel frazzled.

And next comes a whole lot of suggestions and advice.

Try to get the house clean before baby comes, and enlist help to get it there because you are not as mobile or flexible as you will need to be in order to get everything done.

Choose a couple of locations where you will be feeding the baby, and get those places set up ahead of time with reading material, phone charger, etc. Make sure you have a blanket for your legs, and you definitely want a comfortable chair, preferably with arms so you can rest your arms with baby’s head on your elbow. Think about including non-perishable snacks and drinks you can enjoy at room temperature. I mostly fed my son in the living room, and I breastfed him, but even if you’re bottle-feeding you’ll need stuff to do and you may be sitting there for a long time sometimes.

Think about where you’re going to change baby’s diaper, too. Again, I mostly did that in the living room, but sometimes I did it on my bed in the bedroom. Set up all potential locations with wipes, diapers, etc. (we did cloth initially so I had pins and diapers and diaper covers and diaper cream in a box that was easy to grab and carry wherever I needed it).

I’m not going to advise you about sleeping arrangements beyond the recommendation that baby sleeps in the same room for the first six months. This helps with SIDS. We put my son’s bassinet next to my side of the bed, and when he woke up for a feed I got up and carried him out to the living room. This worked for us because my husband has a regular job with a half-hour commute each way. Of course, executive dysfunction being what it is, my son’s room wasn’t actually fit for him to inhabit until he was 18 months old, when we decided to finally put him into a proper crib because he was climbing out of his travel crib in our room. Remember that for a baby, 5 hours in a row is “sleeping through the night”; it’s easier to deal with the interruptions if you’re not expecting different. By about six months, baby should be sleeping longer and longer at a stretch. You can find more about sleep solutions at Precious Little Sleep (really helped me; so did the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, by Marc Weissbluth). (Note that I am not into “Attachment Parenting” but I am into Respectful Parenting.)

Okay, here’s what saved me when my son was tiny: if he was awake, and happy, and fed, and had a clean diaper, I put him on a blanket on the floor in the living room and let him do his thing. I lay him on his back, which gave him lots of opportunity to move his body however he needed to, and I didn’t bother with mobiles or anything, though sometimes I did put a toy where he could bat it with his hand or see it if he turned his head. Babies are new to this world, and there is loads for them to take in this way.

I talked to him all the time (oh, wait, maybe that’s why he doesn’t stop talking now). I told him what I was doing before I did it. If I was leaving the room, I told him where I was going and when I’d be back. If he cried, I responded by talking first, letting him know that I heard him. If he cried for longer than a couple of whimpers, I went over to him and asked what was wrong, commented on whatever was going on, and put my hand on his chest if he seemed to need my touch. If that didn’t help, I picked him up and investigated. After a little while I knew what cries meant what, and I didn’t need to wait and see most of the time.

The idea here is that you don’t have to hold your child constantly, so you can do other things when they’re awake (not just when they’re asleep). In addition, the wait and see approach to crying allows you to support the baby when they’re upset and to learn what different cries mean, while also giving them space to figure stuff out for themselves (like self-soothing, for example).

As baby becomes mobile, you will want to set up a play space that is totally safe and doesn’t require your supervision. A lot of parents who do this use a playpen initially and then move to gated areas in the home. You’ll need to think about furniture (it should be anchored to the wall if there’s a possibility of it toppling), outlets (block them with those child safe thingies), and so on and so forth. You don’t need a lot of toys in this space (if you Google “yes space” you’ll get the idea), and they don’t need to be extravagant. This gives your child somewhere to play independently, and you can do things elsewhere (checking in regularly, of course).

Back to new baby stuff: you’re going to be tired after baby is born. If people offer help, take it, especially for the first month or so. 

Giving birth is a physically demanding activity. I had an emergency c-section, and if that happens you will be recovering from surgery as well as caring for a newborn. 

I have a good friend who gave birth to twins in September (no c-section and I’m pretty sure no painkillers either), and they were in NICU for a while, and she went back to work (she’s a paper carrier) after two weeks because it’s good for her mental health. (She’s married. Her husband did her routes while she was off, and he also cares for the kids—they also have a 5yo—when she’s sleeping as he’s seasonally employed.) 

Everyone recovers at a different rate, but it does take at least a year to fully recover physically from being pregnant and giving birth. So cut yourself some slack and ask for help if you need it. You won’t become dependent on it if you want to eventually do it all yourself again.

You can ask any questions you have and I will do my best to answer. Congratulations, and I hope everything goes well with the delivery!

-J

#ouzoathena11 #ADHD #Actually ADHD #asks #parenting #babies

[notthecanadianaverage]

for the 50 questions, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ,6 ,7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, and 50 :)

LET’S DO THIS

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

Honestly? I’m a basic bitch xD I love vanilla scented anything. Wooden wicks are the BEST. I want to find a candle that smells like fresh cut grass and a candle that smells like lumber. Those two scents, especially together, remind me of my grandpa who worked in a lumber yard and repaired lawn mowers. I treasure those memories so much omg.

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

Does Amethyst count? I actually don’t know xD I honestly can’t even think of any celebrities that I like??? I’ll say Jenna Marbles!

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Again, I’m not really someone who goes nuts over celebrities, heh. I don’t know how to answer this D:

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

I mean, I’m 22 now and my fingers are crossed that it will happen soonish. The boyfriend lives in California and I think it might make things easier if we get married? Then he can come here!

5. Do you know a hoarder?

I don’t think so??? I mean I could be wrong.

6. Can you do a split?

I have tried for YEARS and I CANNOT DO IT ASLAJBODUBFODSUFNODSUBFLJDBFUBEF I FUCKING WISH I COULD

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Fuck if I know... Damn... I remember learning when I was... I think I was... 4? Maybe? I was super young.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

I’ve only seen one ocean, the Pacific Ocean. I don’t know if I’ve swam in it, though. I know I’ve touched it and waded in it a little, but I don’t know if I’ve actually gone swimming...

9. How many countries have you been to?

2! Just Canada and the US. I’ve always wanted to go to England and Indonesia, though! I love Harry Potter, I always have (fucking fight me) and I decided when I was little that England was a must for me, that I had to go see Hogwarts. And Indonesia, my inner volcanologist NEEDS to go! That’s where my favourite volcano, Krakatoa, is located. 

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

I hope not! I don’t think so. Or... Maybe? I think my cousin Austin is. I don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I saw him. We don’t really talk about him? My boyfriends dad was, though. That’s all I know.

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

OO OO OO!!!! So, my boyfriend and I have discussed this! I have a set of dog tags that I always wear that have our names and our kids names on them! We want two girls who will be named Raven Zaidee Trujillo and Dexter Rosie Trujillo. Dexter’s middle name was originally going to be Bonnuit (French for good night) but one of his best friends was sadly murdered earlier this year and he wanted to honor her memory.

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

ANOTHER QUESTION I AM EXCITED TO ANSWER!!!!! Our little boys name is going to be Blade Wayne Trujillo!!! I’ve always had a thing for the name Blade and Wayne was his dads middle name.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

Ffffffff I can’t even remember what I did yesterday... Um, I think it was a flat out 0 because I didn’t even do the test. It was a physics test. I was scared of the student aid lady at school so I never switched out of physics and I literally used that block to sleep and play on my phone. I never even showed up to write the exam.

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

Sailor Moon!!! I fucking LOVED that show!!!! I also loved Little Bear :D When I was 12, though, I was OBSESSED with this show called Disasters of the Century. It was a documentary style tv show about natural disasters and plane and train crashes and it was SO COOL. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. I used to wake up extra early before school just to watch!!

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

Ummm…. I think I was a ninja? I remember I wore my karate gi out one year. I lived in Alberta at the time so there was like 2 or 3 feet of snow on the ground so I had to wear a snowsuit under my costume which was a HUGE disappointment because I was turned into a marshmallow rather than a ninja. Either that or I was Harry Potter. It was great! People always asked me though if I would rather be Hermione because I was a girl and my parents essentially told them to fuck off because I was HARRY FUCKING POTTER.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

YES. My apartment is almost entirely Harry Potter. I have an Expecto Patronum tattoo and my ratty memorial tattoo on my leg is also Harry Potter. I am a diehard fan until the end. Fucking fight me. I also read and own the Hunger Games trilogy. Such good books omg. I was in the Amazing Book Race club in school and one year we had to read The Hunger Games and we even did a book trailer for it! I still have it! We showed my boyfriend when he came out in April xD The books are MUCH better than the movies.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

British! Does my Harry Potter loving ass need to say more?

18. Did your mother go to college?

I don’t think so? I’m not sure. I don’t know if anyone in my family has.

19. Are your grandparents still married?

Kind of? Not really. My Papa passed away from lung cancer in 2010. 

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

Yes xD I started when I was 5 and I stopped when I was 13 I think? I got injured in a biking accident and had to leave. I was going to go back but as I was getting ready to, I got a really bad knee injury and I just haven’t been back. I really want to go back, though! It was fun and I don’t get nearly enough exercise.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

I sure as fuck hope I do!

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

I think it was Playland, my parents would have taken me when I Was super young. But the first amusement park I remember going to is Callaway Park in Alberta. I loved that place! I remember throwing a temper tantrum because my dad told the lady was 6 when I was actually 8 and I LOST MY MIND.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Any language! I speak French but I would love to learn Michif which is the native language of Metis people as I am Metis c:

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

I think I alternate, actually xD

25. Is your father bald?

Yes, he is! 

26. Do you know triplets?

I was about to say no, but I think I met triplet babies once who I may or may not be distantly related to? I’m not actually sure anymore.

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

I’ve never actually seen either! I feel like the Titanic would be a no go for me, though, because I have issues with big boats and the fact that it’s real fucks me up and also James Cameron almost killed his cast by actually making them sit in ice cold water for the sake of hard nipples and realism????

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

I have had very badly made butter chicken once. It was so bad, WAY too much curry. And I think my boyfriend and I once ordered from an Indian restaurant. I ordered from the kids menu because that was the only place where there was non-spicy options xD

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

Umm... Hmm... White Spot? Maybe... But I also enjoy El Grullesays Grill... I slaughtered that name ;_; It’s a Mexican restaurant in California that serves meaty fries! God I miss meaty fries... They’re like nacho fries! They have mozzarella cheese, sour cream, green onions, and shredded steak :3

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

I actually don’t know. I think maybe? But I was too young to remember it. I think I’ve gotten leftovers, though, from when my grandma went.

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

I’m too broke for that shit ._____.

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

Pfft beats the fuck outta me. We never talked about that.

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

Bug! 

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

Honestly? My boyfriend xD He is one of the very few people in this world who doesn’t tolerate me because he loves and embraces all of my weirdness xD Him and G are my favourite peeps.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

I actually can never remember which is which and I mean, I’m not picky. As long as people leave me alone and I’m in a safe area, I’m happy xD

36. Can you whistle?

Yes! Can you hear me? I’m doing it!

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

I do not. I used to want to when I was little. I have one in my bathroom, though.

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

Pfft. No. I’m not a breakfast person. I work nights so I get home at 7 in the morning so if I eat before I go to bed, no joke, I will just make a box of macaroni.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

I do! I take medication for my ADHD so that I don’t eat everything in my apartment and I can function somewhat normally.

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I am ADHD, I struggle with depression (it’s not nearly as bad as it use to be luckily), anxiety, I suspect BPD. I have a few joint injuries that will never really properly heal but other than that, nothing.

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

Hehehe…. Um… For me? Food poisoning… injuries… suicide attempts… hmmm… 11 or 12 times? All but one in the last 10 years. What can I say, I’m clumsy as fuck xD

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

Yes! I love that movie!! 

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

Pennington’s. I am THICC. It’s the only place I can get jeans that fit without destroying what little confidence I have. Sadly though they are NOT cheap so I currently only own 2 pairs that fit me and the thighs on both are destroyed so they are being held together by denim patches from an old pair of shorts, fabric glue and some mediocre hand stitching.

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

I have vibrantly coloured hair. Right now, it’s green. I’ve had very brightly coloured hair since I was 15 I think? My natural colour is brown. I’ve only had brown hair once since I started dying it and that was when I went to go visit my boyfriend for the first time because he had never seen me with my natural colour. I just said that I looked weird with brown hair and he said “No, you look incredible.”

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

Hmm, sometimes. Most of the time, I do. Been having a lot of nightmares and stress dreams lately, though, so I wish I didn’t...

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

I absolutely prefer herbal teas. My favourite is Just Peachy from DavidsTea!! I also REALLY love White Peach omg

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

Ahh…. Hmm…. I have… 8 or 9? I think? I’m not home so I can’t check.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

None. I grew up Atheist. I knew of religion, obviously. My grandma is religious. But I just never understood it. My understanding was that there was a God and that he lived in the clouds and I remember looking at the sky one day and there were no clouds and I was concerned. I also didn’t understand Heaven or Hell because neither have been seen and the lack of tangibility fucked with me so hard. My grandpa got really sick in 2009, he had lung cancer. I remember when he was in the hospital I really tried to look for something, anything, to turn to for comfort because everything was falling apart around me. He unfortunately passed away and I was angry because if God is real and if he actually loved us, why would he let us suffer the way that he did, the way that I was. How dare he?! That was honestly the last straw for me. If my children want to explore religion or they want to go to church and see what it’s all about, I will absolutely support them in doing so, but I will not raise them in any specific religion.

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

That was something I just kind of grew out of. I was never exclusively told that any of that was fake. I actually have a memory from when I was 3 or 4 of sneaking out of my room really late at night and peeking into the living room where I could hear my parents talking and I saw Santa and Mrs. Clause? I also remember one Christmas night where I couldn’t sleep (this is when I was maybe 10 now) so I was watching the snow fall outside and seeing if I could spot Santa in the sky when I heard someone walking in the hall. I lived in a bit of an abusive household so I had learned what everyone’s footsteps sounded like and the footsteps were heavy, MUCH heavier than my dads (who was very overweight at the time), it definitely wasn’t my Uncle, and they were wearing shoes (or boots). I was too scared to go look outside while they walked away but after the house was quiet again, I checked, and my stocking was outside my door, so I still don’t know how to explain that...

50. Why do you have a youtube?

AHAHAHA SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION!!!! I obviously have my personal YouTube but I don’t generally post anything, I just use it to watch shit. BUT MY OTHER YOUTUBE… I use YouTube @RatPotatoez to post videos of my rats! I will also soon use it to post my podcasts!!! RatPotatoez can also be found on Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Vent, basically everywhere! You should go follow me everywhere so you can see the cuteness that is my rats c:

[planets-and-prose]

Self Care Tips!

So there’s a trend of like. So many of the new writers I’m following (and the writers I already follow) are mentioning that they have anxiety/depression/are in some other way neurodivergent. So! Here is a thing that I’m compiling as an ADHD/Anxiety-having/Depression-having/PTSD-having college student, of things that have worked for ME.

*Of course you are not me! These things may not work for you, but hopefully they give you ideas or help a little. <3*

Also these ideas are absolutely NOT a substitute for seeing a therapist. If you are able that should be a first line of defense! Many colleges have free or low cost mental health services, high schools have counselors that can often direct you to mental health services, and if neither of those apply I am happy to attempt to direct you to resources and do some research for you!

A 24/7 crisis text line can be found here: https://www.crisistextline.org/ if you are too anxious to call someone.

Let’s start out with a few affirmations!

You are amazing.

Yes. YOU.

Even if you are not doing what you think your best is right now, you are doing amazingly!

You have accomplished something today. I don’t care even if it’s just getting out of bed or waking up. That stuff is HARD. Every time you get out of bed and face your mental illness, you are accomplishing something. And that is pretty amazing!

This is not eternal. Things will get better. Yes, they might suck right now, but things are not going to be this bad forever!

You are not a burden. Text a friend, a loved one, or me if you feel lost! I can definitely do my best to help.

You are loved! It might not feel that way but someone on this earth cares about you. I promise.

Strategies for when you know things are gonna get rough

(this can include life things, like exam season, visiting unsupportive family, the anniversary of a death, etc. It can also include things like hormones! I am an AFAB person who gets periods, so there are certain weeks that I know my mental health is gonna be very hecked up.)

First we’re gonna figure out ways to attend to your basic heckin needs.

WATER. Keep some sort of fluid by your bed (water, juice, an electrolyte thing like powerade. Something low in sugar is good but literally anything works. If it hydrates you it’s fine)

FOOD.

If you have the energy to prep some meals, do that thing! (Trust me, grabbing a Tupperware out of the fridge is so much easier and less overwhelming than making a Meal)

Some of my personal versatile college-kid favorites are overnight oats, fried rice, quesadillas, pasta of any kind, etc.

I am vegetarian and am able to make all of the above vegan as well, so ask if you’re curious!

If you have the energy to go to the store, pick up some things that require very little preparation that you can munch on.

Ten’s favorites include Goldfish, fruit snacks, granola bars, cheese sticks, rolls, etc

If neither of these apply, take some time to identify a few things you can eat in a pinch!

Don’t worry about “Cohesive Meals”.  If you can grab some deli meat/cheese/carrots/crackers/anything of the sort, then that’s food.

SELF

Make a list of five things that make you happy/relaxed/feel Marginally Less Bad, and find ways to make a few of those happen.

Ex. Reach out to a friend and say you’re having a hard time, gather supplies for a craft you like, gather some writing ideas, make a happy playlist, etc!

Make a time during the bad times that you are going to attend to One Activity That Is Relaxing.

For me, Sundays at 7ish is nail art time. I take that time to do my nails, which is a comfort activity for me. I don’t schedule things then, because that is My Time. My Time is a priority then. But it doesn’t even have to take a couple hours, just like “for 30 minutes here I will sketch” or something like that will work!

OTHER

Set reminders to do things like take meds/drink water/take a walk/etc!

Build as much of a support system as you can beforehand basically! Set yourself up for success in as many little ways as you can.

OK, It Is The Bad Time.

OK, time for some more affirmations.

This is a bad TIME, not bad forever. Even if this hit you suddenly it WILL get better!

You can do this!

You are not alone! You are not a burden! Reach out if you can!

You’ve got this!

Now we’re gonna go back to the other things we talked about before!

BASIC THINGS: Things are rough! You are not going to be able to do everything you are doing at your best. If you broke your leg you wouldn’t be trying to walk to work/school/around the house the same way you normally would. You’d accommodate. Do the same thing with your mental health.

Make a list of small things that you feel like you might be able to do. If things are feeling too overwhelming, think even smaller!

Suggestions: Shower, brush teeth, take a short walk, get out of bed and walk around the room, put one dish in the sink, get a drink of water, stretch (even just in bed), text a friend, change into another pair of pajamas

Celebrate when you do these things! Maybe even write down each one you accomplish.

If you are in school, reach out to professors if you can. Many of them will understand and be VERY accommodating.

Reach out to a friend if you can! Good friends will be willing to help, even in little ways!

Something is always better than nothing. This is gonna be a theme but doing one thing, ANY thing, is an accomplishment!

WATER: Keep a glass of water/water bottle by your bed, or any other liquid. Don’t beat yourself up if you can only drink a little. Something is better than nothing. Every sip is one sip more than you probably wanted to take. Every sip is one more sip of hydration.

FOOD: This is one of the hardest ones for me because I have disordered eating habits. For me it’s an accomplishment if I don’t eat, so this is always the first thing that I neglect. So!

Again, think of easy things!

ANYTHING you eat is better than nothing. I don’t care if your breakfast was a handful of Goldfish. I don’t care if you skipped lunch and had a Pop Tart for dinner. You Ate Something and that is more than your mental health wanted you to. ANYTHING you eat is better than eating nothing. Your body will thank you, I promise.

Try to eat at least something at designated meal times. Again, literally anything. Sometimes you’ll find that food doesn’t feel good and that’s okay! But sometimes you’ll find that food is helping you feel better, and that can make a WORLD of difference.

SELF: This one can be tricky. Depression and anxiety can make doing things you love really, really hard and that sucks a LOT! So here’s a few little strategies that hopefully will help!

Think of nostalgic, comforting things. I have comfort songs, Youtube channels, etc that I go back to when I’m not feeling well. Keep that on lock!

Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to! If your happy thing isn’t appealing, don’t force it!

Try a couple different things! For me, when I was in my roughest patch of the year, I didn’t want to knit, write, read, do any of my comfort things. It was awful. But for some weird reason, drawing helped break through the depression a little. I am not an artist and usually stress a LOT when drawing, but for some strange reason, it was what I needed. Happiness lives in weird places.

A few closing things!

When you find something that works, NOTE IT. It can be a part of your toolbox for bad mental health times.

Seriously, there’s a lot of places where initial therapy consultations are low cost or free. Those can be a WORLD of help.

Reach out! I know I keep repeating it but it can make a world of difference!

You can get through this!

I know you can!

You’re braver than you think you are, you’re stronger than you can ever know! You might not feel like it, but you can do this!

Reach out to me if you need anything. I can hopefully direct you somewhere to help you. <3

#not writing #self love #self care #mental health #tips #tricks #important #planet.txt

[sage-nebula]

How long have you known you have ADD and what clued you in that you have it?

MMM, this is kind of a tough question.

First, as a disclaimer: This is one of two disorders I’m 99% sure I have but haven’t been officially diagnosed with, the other being delayed sleep phase disorder. I’ve been officially diagnosed with C-PTSD, chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in math, but I have not been officially diagnosed with attention deficit disorder or delayed sleep phase disorder (the former of which because I’ve never brought it up with a doctor, and the latter of which because I’ve yet to find a doctor who believes me). That said, though, I was very sure that I had C-PTSD, chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in math before I was ever diagnosed with any of those, so while I’m not officially diagnosed with ADD or DSPD at this point in time, the fact that I hit pretty much every symptom checkbox for both makes me feel just as sure about those two as I do all the rest. (And honestly, I would have a diagnosis for DSPD if only anyone would BELIEVE ME, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, to answer your question . . .

I honestly first started suspecting it back when I was in high school. There were commercials on TV for medication to help with “adult ADD,” and the symptoms described in those commercials (difficulty focusing, difficulty keeping track of time, procrastinating, etc) all sounded like me. Of course I wasn’t an adult at the time, but I also wasn’t a young child, like the typical person you see diagnosed with ADHD. Furthermore, the symptoms sounded very different from what I’d always been led to believe ADHD was (hyperactive, bouncing off the walls, et cetera), so I thought that I might have “adult ADD,” as was described in the commercials. That said, I never brought it up with my parents because they didn’t even believe me when I said was burnt out junior year and that was why I failed math, and instead just decided that I was lazy and unwilling to try, so. I figured there was no point in bringing it up with them.

I kind of forgot about it in the years that followed until, funnily enough, I saw some posts on tumblr where people talked about some less commonly known symptoms that fit me perfectly. I think the one that stood out to me the most (though I can’t find it now) was a post about being unable to sit in a chair properly. I’m going to level with you: I cannot sit in a chair with both feet on the floor for more than two or three minutes to save my life. It is so uncomfortable. Ever since I was a kid I always pulled my feet up onto my chair, and I never sit in one position for too long. Sometimes I sit cross-legged, other times it’s with both feet on the chair and my knees drawn up, sometimes it’s one knee up and the other cross-legged, and so on and so forth. I shift position and squirm around constantly, not because I’m hyper, but because I just can’t sit in one position for too long without feeling massively uncomfortable. There was a post here on tumblr about how that inability to sit still and properly in chairs is a lesser known symptom of ADD in women, and that made me start wondering if perhaps my high school curiosity about whether I could have ADD or not had some merit to it after all. (Of course, no online symptom sites list “can’t sit in chairs properly” as a symptom, but you know. These things happen.)

So I started to do more research online, going to different websites to see what I could find. And what I found is that Inattentive-Type ADD fits me perfectly. As a brief rundown:

Missing details and becoming distracted easily: I can be detail oriented if it’s something I’m very interested in (or something I’m trying very hard to focus on), but otherwise I do have a tendency to blaze through and skim things, taking shortcuts because I assume I already know the thing even if I actually don’t. As for distractions? Oh boy. At my old job in particular I had to have headphones and music on if I was to focus on work orders / e-mails because otherwise the noise around me was so much of a distraction I couldn’t focus on any one thing. But even then, it could not be any music with lyrics, because the lyrics would distract me and send me into daydreams before I realized what was happening! I also tend to get distracted in the sense that I can be doing one task and get distracted by another task, or can have my thoughts jump around a lot as I leap from tangent to tangent . . . that’s less noticeable in writing, but that’s part of why I prefer to communicate in writing. It’s easier to keep my thoughts organized if I have time to sort them out first.

Trouble focusing on the task at hand: Talked about this above, but yeah, unless it’s something super interesting to me, keeping my focus on one thing can feel like an insurmountable task. Like I said before, at my previous job the only way I could knock out a bunch of work orders or support e-mails at once was if I had headphones on. Otherwise? My attention would flit from conversation to conversation while I mindlessly played with my phone or went from tab to tab (without really looking at anything) on my laptop, because my attention just could not hold because it was pulled in too many different directions. It was hell. (My new job is much quieter, which is a big relief.)

Becoming bored quickly: Hahaaaa, oh my god. You might have noticed, but I’m “in” about ten different fandoms at once, usually. And this is because it’s so, so hard to hold my interest on any one thing! Like I do have some life-long interests, such as Pokémon, but even then I also have so many other things that I’m like and that I find to entertain myself with because I cannot handle boredom, and that includes being unable to handle doing the same thing over, and over, and over. Believe it or not, that was the worst part of retail for me. It wasn’t dealing with the coworkers that I hated the most, oh no. It was the sheer monotony of having to do the same goddamn thing over and over again for eight bloody hours in a row. I distinctly remember at my last retail job feeling like my brain was actually, physically rotting, and like it would have been a mercy to scrape it out with a windshield ice scraper than to continue doing that job. At least when customers screamed at me it gave me something new to say and do. When it was just another routine day at the Barnes & Noble? That’s when I wished for sweet, merciful death (and a swift one, unlike the slow one that boredom inflicts). I should also mention that at this point I have gotten up from my seat no less than five times purely because I felt distracted and wanted to walk around a bit.

Daydreaming frequently: I have trouble with long movies because I will get distracted by something inane in the movie, get taken away on a daydream trip, and then come back sometime later only to realize I no longer have any idea what’s going on in the movie. I daydream while I’m driving (though don’t worry, I can still pay attention to the road; when it comes to driving I can multitask this). I daydream in the shower, I daydream at work, I daydream while falling asleep, I’m almost never not goddamn daydreaming. Ffs, I will be having a conversation with someone and as they’re talking to me my attention will snap to something else and I’ll go off on a thought tangent / daydream. I guess that could also fit under “easily distracted” but you get the gist. My whole life has been nothing but daydreams. There are baby pictures of me where I look like I was sedated by my parents, but actually I was probably just daydreaming even then. It’s been my perpetual state as long as I can remember.

Executive dysfunction: I have trouble keeping organized, and I procrastinate everything, even things I want to do. I will want to play a video game, but instead of turning on the game I will sit here and flip mindlessly through different internet tabs because I just cannot bring myself to start the task. And again, I do this with everything! Writing, doing chores, eating, going to bed, waking up---you name it, I procrastinate it, and this is on top of not being able to keep things organized despite how much I vastly prefer it when things are neat and tidy. I had to buy myself a schedule book just so I could try to remember when my bills are due and when my appointments are (and it does help, when I remember to use it). But honestly, I could have a terrible headache, and yet actually getting up to take medicine---or just reaching over to grab the bottle that’s conveniently within reach---feels like a task I just cannot start. It’s absurd, and yet I’ve always been like this. (Ofc if you ask my parents I’m just lazy, but again, this is even with things I want to do, like video games, or getting out of my car when I get home instead of messing with my phone for ten minutes first. It’s like the gears of my brain get stuck and I just cannot get them to move.)

 Hyperfocusing: While I am incredibly easily distracted at times, at the same time when I get into something, I get really into it, and sometimes this kicks my brain into a hyperfocused state (which I didn’t even realize until recently was a hyperfocused state) where I cannot do anything else other than that task, including sleeping, eating, or otherwise taking care of myself. This usually happens with cleaning, but it can also happen with video games, with show binging, or other similar activities. Once I’m in the zone, I’m in the zone and I don’t come out of that zone until my brain has decided it has had enough / the thing is done. (Similarly, I get hyperfixations where I’m SUPER INTO one thing for a while, often churning out tons of content and such for it until it runs its course through my system. This is also when my attention to detail actually returns to me and I can remember minute details of things I love.)

And so on and so forth, you get the idea. I’ve taken a few different online tests as well, such as one I just now took that said a score of 51% or higher means that you should see a mental health professional for a diagnosis, and I scored 75%. Of course, online checklists and self-tests aren’t surefire diagnoses, but at the same time these are often very similar to the worksheets that doctors hand you in their offices. It’s not a diagnosis, but it’s something that indicates that there is something going on that you (or in this case, I) should probably have checked out.

So all in all, researching ADD and reading about the different types and how different symptoms present in different people makes me think I have it. It’s not something I thought about or fully realized until well into my adult years, but hey, at least I’ve got an idea now. (And tbh I think I have sort of a combined type going on due to the chair and fidgeting thing, as well as how fast I talk and how my mouth often has trouble keeping up with my thoughts, but still.) It also explains a lot about my childhood, adolescence, and even adult years, just like the mathematics learning disability did. It’s a missing piece to help me understand why my brain has always been like . . . this. 

At any rate, hope this sates your curiosity, anon. And if you’re looking into this for yourself, I wish you the best of luck!

#total times i got up from my seat while writing this reply: 9 #total minutes it took me to write as a result despite that i type 144 WPM? 45 #jfc #Anonymous

[peacefrogg]

Being a therapist is lonely and difficult.

Let me just say, I love my job. I work with delinquent youth at the most secure facility within my state. That's the most descript I can get in terms of describing the facility. My office is on the mental health unit where I'm assigned, so I'm in the thick of it, sometimes having to get involved in restraining these youth when they're acting violently. Compared to the other facilities in the state, we look like a prison (barbed wire fences, individual cells with a metal bed frame, desk, and toilet, must be buzzed through each door by a person in the security booth). However, we are a treatment facility and in my state, juveniles are not considered to be "inmates" and employees are not considered "correctional officers." We are staff. They are residents. This is a human services field.

Side note, I know some believe that adults should never put their hands on kids. I agree. Its hard to explain this job to anybody who has never been in it firsthand. I'm dealing with extremely violent youth. Yes, oftentimes (most times) many are acting out of emotion or trauma, and it is so hard to watch when you know they're not intending to harm others or when they're trying to stay safe themselves. Intervening in a physical manner is sometimes necessary to ensure and maintain safety when these youth are actively violent. There are some staff who go overboard or use restraints in, to put it gently, an entirely unacceptable manner. I've seen it firsthand, but I've also seen how higher up within the system they are embracing a no tolerance attitude whereas in the past a blind eye was turned. However, there is a time and a place where having to physically manage these youth in a safe way is unfortunately necessary, and in my specific position I have the advantage of teaching these kids ways to prevent themselves from becoming harmful as well as standing up for them if staff become out of line. Unlike others, I know these kids are just that, kids.

Back to my original point, this is a lonely and difficult job as a therapist. I end up playing multiple roles because of the nature of the job and where my office is located. To give some idea of what the specific youth I work with are like, they are (generally) between the ages of 16-21 (can be as young as 13, though that's rare), they have varying diagnoses. Most common being ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Bipolar, and Intellectual Disabilities. Though we do often see other diagnoses such as Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Many of them are violent. Many of them have problematic sexual behaviors (anywhere from exposing themselves to others to rape). Most of them have a history of trauma and abuse.

Although this sounds like a lot to deal with, they're still just kids who are struggling, and due to the nature of their histories and cognitive abilities, it's sometimes like working with younger children. They are needy, which is understandable due to their histories. Some of them have been completely abandoned by their parents and are completely alone.

Because of my caring nature and being around them frequently outside of therapy sessions, I'm considered the "mom" of the unit, which feels weird because I'm only 29 and nowhere near old enough to be a parent to these kids. I think that line gets blurred from therapist to "mom" because I also have to be an authority figure and hold them to their daily expectations and behavioral standards when I'm outside of sessions. I have to get involved in deciding consequences for major offenses committed while they are in the facility such as assaults and sexually acting out behaviors (law states there is no consent in placement/facilities). But I also am the person they want to see the most due to the nature of my position. I'm naturally good at what I do (the one time I feel confident enough to toot my own horn) and I'm as supportive, caring, and genuine as possible, which makes them form emotional bonds/attachments toward me. So I think because I have to be an authority figure on top of being their therapist, it gives off that motherly vibe. Which in any other setting I would say is problematic because it blurs the lines of my role, but its impossible to avoid in this environment, so I have to find creative ways to navigate this.

I do truly care about these kids which is hard to work through, especially because I have minimal supervision. When I say minimal, I mean my supervisor saw me in person three times last year. So I don't have any help in navigating how to properly maintain my boundaries.

On top of this, staff do not understand my role at all. There is only one other therapist in the facility. She used to be the only one for several years, and then two more were hired but left within a year (two years ago, which is when I was promoted). Most therapists do not want to work in this environment once they see what its like and how their offices are directly on the unit and how they have to get involved in restraints (blurring the line even further). I began as a line staff for a year before I was promoted (when the two other therapists left), and I was a line staff for three years at another facility, so I knew what I was getting into. But because there is such a high turnover for therapists and because we only had one for several years, staff have never seen what my position is supposed to look like, only what they've assumed. So I get a lot of scrutiny from staff. They criticize because they have no idea how difficult this position truly is. They believe its just therapy sessions. They don't understand that I also have to be an authority to residents, work on staff development, be a liaison with various probation officers, placing counties, judges, CYS workers, write court reports, testify in court, administer assessments, write psychological and psychosexual reports, etc. I have to train staff on various mental health topics, which is rough because I'm young for the position, so I'm often looked at as if I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Its hard for me to rely on the other therapist. On one hand, shes been in our facility for 10 years, so she knows the position inside and out. It's a very political position at times, and she is a big help for that. However, she doesn't connect with the kids. She's very invalidating and unsupportive of the emotions of her residents, and she's one of those people who are always right. So the kids don't enjoy her as much, and in return, she handles that by criticizing everything I do. Her way is the right way, even though many approaches can bring about the same result. But if it's not her approach, it's wrong. She's very traditional in the sense that she's very pro-medication and mainly talk therapy. I'm more holistic (I'm called the hippy therapist, and it's not inaccurate) and creative with my interventions, because I know the kids understand it more and it reduces their anxiety, helping them feel more safe to talk about their problems. Keep in mind these kids didn't ask to go to therapy or be here, so you have to get them to buy into it on top of finding a way to get them to trust after feeling like they can trust nobody (remember, trauma and abuse histories). So although I'm effective in what I do and I'm proud of it, I'm constantly facing scrutiny from those who don't understand and judgment from the other therapist, who is also 16 years older than me.

I feel like I have these super high standards I have to meet just to be taken seriously, and since nobody else understands my position, I don't have anybody to vent to who gets me. Even my own therapist doesn't truly understand. It's a very lonely feeling. With my own mental health issues on top of it all (anxiety, depression, abandonment issues, PTSD, life-long emotional neglect), its like I have no escape. I'm constantly anxious that I'm doing horribly. I just began working through my own trauma in therapy, so sometimes I end up feeling triggered by or identifying with my residents. Which again is hard to navigate on my own without supervision. My own therapist just abandoned me (I'll save that for a later post). My friends are line staff, so their job is safety and security. I have to train my own friends on mental health approaches, and they see it as more of casual conversation and suggestions instead of training and necessity. It feels like my own friends don't take me seriously.

I co-run the unit with a supervisor of two counselors (essentially case managers who also do individual sessions to address behaviors) and two lower-level supervisors of line staff. He is my equal, but he focuses on behavioral issues and structure of the unit, where I'm in charge of mental health. He has power and control issues, so he tries to take over completely and he tries to supervise me. As if that's not enough, his wife is the other therapist so he's constantly trying to push her agenda on my unit (she works on the unit that specializes in sexual behaviors, and she and I "share" the general population unit essentially for the city thug type kids involved with drugs, guns, robbery/theft, and violence). He's super critical, which sucks because all I want is his approval and to hear that I'm doing a good job. I know I'm effective.

I know my kids enjoy me and I want to cry just thinking of how much they are growing and progressing. It makes me super proud of them because all I do is validate and support, and teach them the tools and resources they need to be successful. But they're doing it on their own and it's so heartwarming. Where that makes it all worth it in the end, its still a difficult and lonely journey.

I wish it didn't feel so lonely.

#personal #personal post #therapy #juvenile therapist #adolescent therapist #my life as a therapist #therapist #mental health counseling #counseling #individual counseling #juvenile delinquency #juvenile justice #juveniles #adjudicated youth #mental illness #mental disorder #mental health #psychology #criminal justice #depression #anxiety #ptsd #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #trauma #abuse #emotional abuse #child abuse #physical abuse

[words-writ-in-starlight]

adhd anon again. man, everything in your posf was scary relatable. i zone out for hours when i read, and i tap my fingers in certain patterns, and i pace to think, and i still “wring my hands” when i get particularly excited. and i still run around the house when there’s tension on the tv. basically all of my oddities are explainable now. but i’m like... full of internal ableism and instinctive cringing still. do you have any advice? (and _thank you_ so much for what you’ve already said)

Hey, dude!  So, my first advice is...breathe.  Feeling like your internal landscape and self-image is changing dramatically--whether it’s because you’re realizing you’re queer, figuring out that you actually want to change career paths, or getting that blinding stroke of insight about something like ADHD--is really, really scary.  Like, there’s no delicate way to put it.  It’s flat out scary.  So just take a few deep breaths, and think about the things you understand and trust about yourself.  Watch your favorite movie, splurge on your favorite dinner, listen to your favorite music, and remember that those things you love are still the same as ever, they still affect you in the same way as they ever did.  Take some deep breaths while you’re at it, in through the nose and out through the mouth, and think about how it feels to have your lungs expand and contract--still just like it did yesterday, right?  I really can’t emphasize this enough, this is a moment for some fucking self-care.  So please consider this some gentle, affectionate bullying into taking time for that self-care.  Your ADHD will still be there when you’re done taking a moment for yourself, I promise.

My second piece of advice is, try to keep in mind that everyone has to work through some level of that internalized ableism, so don’t crucify yourself for it.  Being able to acknowledge that it’s there is already a big part of the work.  As far as how to get past that, I can only tell you what works for me, which I think is fundamentally some cognitive behavioral therapy shit?  So it goes like this.  Your brain goes “hey, you can’t have ADHD, because only broken freaks of nature and retards have ADHD.”  You notice that your brain said a shitty thing, and you go “hey, brain, that’s some ableist bullshit, people are people no matter what and having ADHD doesn’t make me any less of a complex and worthwhile human being than anyone else.”  Next time your brain throws out some ableist bullshit, you go “hey, brain, we talked about this, people are people no matter what, etc, etc.”  And so on and so forth, and slowly your brain will throw out less and less ableist bullshit, less and less often, and you’ll learn to cut off the thought earlier on, and eventually you’ll get to a point where you are actually doing a pretty amazing job of not having shitty prejudicial thoughts at all.  It takes time and effort and it sucks, but them’s the breaks.  

(Although, if you’re in the market for other advice, you can do this with a lot of shit.  You’re having depressive, suicidal thoughts?  Go right on ahead and throw out a “hey, brain, actually I have a cat who needs fed and who loves me, and I love the taste of licorice, and I’d be really sad if I never stood in a thunderstorm again, so I will not be doing that.”  You’re struggling to accept that your friends love you?  Hit back with a “hey, brain, my friends tell me they love me every day, and just because you’re an anxiety-ridden mess of neurons doesn’t mean you’re right.”  You’re resisting taking a medication because you think you deserve to be in pain?  “Hey, motherfucker, I’m worthwhile and I deserve to be taken care of, sit down and get out of the way while I take some damn Advil.”  Say that shit out loud if you need to.  It takes time.  Changing behavior, changing well-worn thought processes, changing habits, all those things take time.  But it’ll get you there.)

My third piece of advice is to look at the ways that realizing this is, frankly, a huge boon, and my fourth, related, piece of advice is to learn how you can work with your brain rather than against it.  You have insight into something that, if you’re anything like me, has pushed you to the point of frantic rage and despair for your entire life.  I used to drive myself into frustrated tears because I just could not force myself to focus like a normal person.  I cannot count the number of times I broke down crying over my homework because sitting quietly at the kitchen table was like chewing tinfoil.  I got the homework done!  But I was goddamn miserable every step of the way.  When I started watching TV while I did my homework, I beat myself up for it constantly, because that wasn’t an “acceptable” thing to do, but it was the only way I could resist tearing my hair out while I was doing basic algebra homework.  

Then, I realized in my sophomore year of college that I had ADHD, and I started to be more willing to accept that I just need different things than other people, in order to be able to focus.  I stopped driving myself to distraction by trying to be “normal” and started trying to change the world around me in order to accommodate my needs.  I can’t work in silence?  Cool, I asked my parents to pay for a year of a Spotify Premium account as a Christmas gift and found some podcasts I love for when I’m doing chores, so now I don’t work in silence.  I have trouble sitting still?  All right, I started buying myself nice yarn (tactile stim!) and knitting gifts when I need to focus--knitting hits a lot of good buttons, a nice repetitive fidget with some soothing textures, and frankly I’d really recommend it.  Force all your friends to accept knitwear.  I don’t do well with eye contact all the time?  I downloaded a billion free match-three games onto my phone--I’m on level two thousand nine hundred and fifty of Juice Jam, I’m not fucking kidding about how useful this is.  Having a “reason” for your own unique struggles and oddities (although honestly ‘I have trouble with this thing’ should be enough reason for our trainwreck of a culture, not that I’m bitter) can really free you up to look for ways to play nicely with your brain box.  Embrace it.

My fifth and final piece of advice: reread the Percy Jackson books.  Again, I’m not fucking kidding around.  Representation is so, so important when it comes to getting past that initial cringe response, and for all that we have a long way to go on that, PJO fucking exists already.  Take advantage of it.  Once you’ve done that, think about the characters you connected the most with as a kid, and think about what you connected with--which of those people do you think have ADHD?  I got past a lot of shit by rereading the Animorphs books and assembling a bulleted list of reasons that Rachel has ADHD.  Does it make you cringe in the same way to think of those favorite characters as being ADHD?  Good, that means it’s working.  Keep doing it until you have at least one character who you feel it click for, one character who you get committed to as an ADHD comrade in arms.  Learn to love yourself by loving them.

That’s my advice, dude.  The only other thing I would say is this: if you are in a position to get therapy and feel like you need a helping hand, maybe look into it.  There are counselors of many flavors who have experience with helping people learn to cope with ADHD or other processing disorders, and tbh I am a huge proponent of therapy.  A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.  There’s no shame in needing help, and the only way to beat that shit into your brain is to reach out for help when you need it and yell “I DESERVE THIS, I DESERVE THIS, I DESERVE THIS” until the gremlin muttering prejudicial bullshit in the background shuts up.  

You, uh...may have noticed that my version of “improving my mental health” looks a lot like percussive maintenance, but LISTEN, it WORKS.

#adventures in adhd #adhd #actually adhd #i have no fucking idea what the commonly used tag is my dudes #no fucking clue #anyway i hope this helps! #advice from starlight #anyway!!!! i'm watching siren!!!!!! INTO THAT SHIT!!!!!! #HORROR! MOVIE! MERMAIDS! #I WOULD DIE FOR RYN!!!!!! #SHE'S A MONSTER AND I LOVE HER ABSOLUTELY AND UNFLINCHINGLY #IN THE WAY THAT I LOVE MONSTERS #i also DEEPLY want the dude and his unbelievably gorgeous marine biologist girlfriend to BOTH date the scary mermaid #AMPHIBIOUS MONSTER POLYAMORY HEAVEN NOW!!!!!! #idiot teenagers with a queue #anonymous #asked and answered

[i-am-adlocked]

Got tagged by two people and since the questions are custom-made (lol) I guess, I’ll answer twenty-two instead of eleven LMAO. Love you both guys!

The rules are:

• Post the rules

• Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

• Write eleven questions of your own

• Tag eleven people

QUESTIONS FROM @equusgirl​

1. If you could have lunch with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?

This is a tough one. I have many different aspects of myself—several masks. My joker-self would want to be with my friends because I never fail to make them laugh their pants off. My lonely-self would want my future spouse, whoever that person is, right now. My artist-self would want Vincent Van Gogh so I could do the Doctor Who thing where I would reassure him that he is amazing. 

My desperate-self would want Bob Ross because I bet he’d inspire me the hell out. My sad-self would want to have lunch with my dead happy-self because I bet I’d slap the hell out of my face. My family-oriented-self would want my maternal grandfather I never got to meet because he doesn’t know me and it’s nice to have a family who would probably say that they’re proud of me. Estranged relatives are like that, I think lmao

OH and I would also want any psychologist, so I’d have free sessions to deal with my ADHD because I can never afford to have more sessions, and I’d finally get a prescription cos I need dem meds.

2. You’re stuck on an elevator with whoever is on your lock/home screen. Who is it?

If we’re talking about my phone, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with the Eiffel Tower (lock screen) and Mona Lisa (home screen). If we’re talking about my computer, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with Sherlock (lock screen) and Leo Valdez (home screen). Ho-ho-ho I will be in an elevator with self-loathing mask-wearing joking-but-dead-inside heroes. That will be fun.

3. Last TV show/movie you watched?

I rewatched the last episode of The Crown again after I binged-watched Riverdale and re-re-re-binged-watched The Good Place. Movie-wise, it was the Filipino film called “Ang Larawan”. It’s actually hard for me to watch films because it takes a lot of time for me to stay focused in one episode.

4. A cottage on the beach or a cabin in the mountains?

Cabin in the mountains. I hiss angrily at beaches because I tan so easily and I kid you not, I haven’t swum in a beach since 2009. In a country where lighter paler skin was more cherished, and being an insecure bullied 10-year-old. You’ll understand why. Nowadays, I guess the habit just stuck. ALSO CABIN IN THE MOUNTAINS HOW FREAKING COOL WOULD THAT BE... I’d be surrounded by trees, it would be cold there, I can sit by the fireplace, look out my window to view the beautiful forest and night sky, and just drink whiskey, read a book, and quietly whisper, “Bless.”

5. Last song you listened to?

If we’re not including Brooke Simpson’s performances (specifically, “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World”) in The Voice which I legit just binge-watched before opening Tumblr, it would be the Riverdale Cast’s cover of “Mad World.” I was shookt that I liked it.

6. Most recent obsession?

Video-editing. More-so than usual. I legit have anxieties when I’m not making a video. I should probably stop after finishing these videos I’m doing because I know it will hinder my studies (which I’m already failing at because of my worsening ADHD), and it’s already ruining my sleeping patterns and eating habits. It’s a toxic kind of obsession.

7. Last thing you googled?

“people find out harry potter is abused fic rec” shut up (if interested, click here)

8. Which city would you most like to visit?

(for the first time?) Athens. (again?) either Assisi or Rome or Paris. You can’t make me choose.

9. If you could bring one (1) fictional character to life, who would it be?

I’m having a hard time between Mary Watson (Sherlock) and River Song (Doctor Who) *sobs*

10. Favorite thing about yourself?

My... God, I don’t know, really. I don’t really like myself so how can I find a favorite thing about myself? My ability to brag for things I’m not even good at, I guess? False advertising of myself, I guess? HAHAHAHHA WAIT NO! My ability to make anything sad or depressing. Yes, I’m good at that. It’s not my favourite thing about me but out of all, that’s the only thing I think I’m really good at.

11. Ideal career?

Becoming a wife and mother. Some people give me odd looks for this but I really want to take care of people in ways I never experienced. I want to be there for some people—to feel needed and depended on—to be trusted, long-term.

Younger-me would be furious. She was aro-ace. As a person who grew up only relying on books as company, I thought I would grow up as the typical strong independent woman who is a CEO or is an actress, or a musical theatre performer... I used to want to be that... 

But those dreams were based on what my family wanted. CEO because I grew up poor and being a CEO would make me financially stable which my parents wanted. Actress/Theatre Performer because my sister and I bonded through musical theatre, TV shows, and films, and we both love the arts (but I have to admit that she’s better than me with everything srsly im not kidding)...

But as just for myself? I really don’t see myself working for money, or working for the arts. I mean, obviously I want to work for money and for the arts, but... I want to work for people I care about—for a family I will finally not be scared enough to say “I love you” without fearing they would laugh in my face.

—oOo—

OKAY, NOW QUESTIONS FROM @musical-chick-13​

1. If you could wake up and be magically good at something you’ve never done before (or have little experience doing), what would you want it to be?

The ability to quickly understand things I’m not interested in and explain them to people easily with how I understood them. I think that would help me a lot in my Law class now at uni. Seriously, I’m having troubles reading, and I always stutter in class because I’m not good at formal English. 

My stupid brain needs time to process what I learned (which was written in English), explain it to myself (in Filipino), translate my explanation from Filipino to English, and focus enough to say those things out loud.

2. What is/are your favorite genre(s) of music?

I have an odd range: musical theatre, rock, indie, classical music, PIANO IS LIFE, ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT IS GOOD PIANO AT THE BEGINNING (usually starts with an A, idk why). Also, Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Hands down.

3. What was your first fandom?

Avatar: The Last Airbender. THE SERIES OKAY. A year after that was Harry Potter and Sherlock AT THE SAME TIME 2010 was a crazy year. Just like that, since I was eleven years old, I went down the road to fandom hell.

4. What is a play/musical/opera/etc. (basically any fictional work that’s not a book, movie, comic, or TV show) you like?

BOY YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN UGHGHGH ILL JUST PUT MY TOP SIX

Spring Awakening, Next to Normal, In the Heights. (I listen to the full album completely. The music is divine and the stories are beautiful. You got a story about sex, a story about mental illness, and a story about Hispanics). Spring Awakening’s and Next to Normal’s rock + violin music in a setting of 1800′s Germany and a typical family house, gets me on, ya know?

Sweeney Todd, Wicked, and Rent. (The typical classics I love, note that whenever Sweeney Todd’s Prologue and Wicked’s As Long as You’re Mine starts, I get orgasms just as much when the peak of Rent’s Goodbye Love goes). Great songs, seriously.

5. If you could get paid for doing a mundane task, what would you choose to get paid for?

Organising files.

6. What is a joke you really like?

My death.

7. If you had to have a job working under a fictional character, which character would you choose to be your boss and why?

Sherlock. He would know how to take care of me. He would know how to make me feel better. He has great work ethics, and he knows when to be harsh with his words and gentle, because he knows which people are deserving to be called idiots and those who are just insecure. Though I’ll probably annoy him because of how nervous I’d be but since “Faith Smith” I’d think he’d know how to deal with me, I guess.

8. What article of clothing is your favorite to wear (i.e., dresses, skirts, pants, suits, hats, jewelry, etc.)?

A gold necklace my grandmother gave to me because out of all my cousins (or our generation in our lineage), I’m the first one she gave an “inheritance” to because I happen to be her roommate. Considering that I am the dumbest in the family as well as the family freak, I consider this as my sole victory.

9. Do you consider yourself to be an optimist, a pessimist, or something else entirely?

A total pessimist. An optimist to those who are feeling pessimistic.  In my head, there is nothing but hopelessness, despair, and utter misery and pain. But homie, you say shit like that to me? You tell me you are feeling those? Yo, imma throw my rainbows and sunshine up your ass, you are gonna vomit glitter and light, I swear to all deities out there.

I may claim to say that I’m like this because I’m the only one who should be pessimistic, like I’m some narcissistic the-world-revolves-around-me idiot because I don’t like being depicted as anything else but manipulative, cruel, and an arsehole. So please stop telling me I’m nice or that I’m a good person. It makes me feel weird. They’re like unnatural things to say to me.

10. Feelings on cats?

Tolerable. My sister loves them. My school has cats just chilling around. They love me idk why. I love dogs more so I’m surprised they let me in their pack.

11. Favorite soda (or beverage in general if you don’t like soda)?

ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW OF MY WILD ADDICTION TO COCA-COLA.

—oOo—

MY QUESTIONS:

1. Are you feeling okay right now?

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever first-hand witnessed/experienced in real life?

3. Who is/are the most important person/people in your life and why?

4. What is a memory that wouldn’t fail to make you smile like an idiot while you’re in public?

5. How did you come to your current obsession?

6. Why do you ship your OTP (either real-life or fiction)?

7. Let’s pretend speed and distance (lol basically velocity), and quality are the same, would you rather be in a plane or a ship in a storm where there are many lightnings and thunder involved in December?

8. What is the object that is most sentimental to you?

9. If you could be in any fictional world, which one would you explore, and will you or will you not interact with your favourite character? Why or why not?

10. What animal do you most relate to or you consider to be your spirit animal? Why or why not?

11. How do you define the word, “Happiness”?

Tags: @thank-you-for-being-with-me​ @sentimentalgenius​ @addignisherlock​ @randombiochemist​ @simpleanddestructivechemistry​ @its-sentimental-adlock​ @themissadventurer​ @sorrowsflower​ @throughtheparadox​ @theleftpill​ No pressure, guys! Also to anyone who wants to answer, too! I even tag those who tagged me.

#personal #tag thingies #i love dem tag thingies

[neoculture-basement-blog]

Welp, Thanks...I Guess

Anonymous said: You're really messed up in the head, kid. If all that happened to you, why are you even still here? Just go put yourself away in some memtal hospital or something. We don't need you here, polluting our air.

Well, then...

I felt this needed to be addressed immediately:

I actually find it funny that you are saying these things over anon...are you scared to show your Tumblr tag? You're just hiding behind your screen, thinking that it was okay to send that to a complete stranger...and you went anonymous on top of that.

I have, actually, tried to kill myself before...a few times actually...so it's not like I haven't thought those words myself already. I am actually getting help for my mental illnesses and I am happy to tell you that none of them are contagious, so your air should be okay.

Actually, why don't I tell you a bit about each of the things that make me "messed up in the head", just so you can understand what you are really talking about to me:

Actute Stress Disorder: the severe anxiety and detachment from society that occurs after a period of serious trauma and can last for weeks/months/years with help from therapists and doctors. I had been diagnosed with this after my parents and I got into a car accident when I was six, both of my parents had died from the impact.

ADHD:(aka Attention-Deficit Hyproactive Disorder) a hyperactive attention disorder (makes it difficult to stay in one place and listen unless it intrests the person) that can last for years to a lifetime with help of medication, it can become easier to handle. It’s a childhood disorder, so it isn’t something someone can really just “get”.

Avoidant Personality Disorder:(aka AVPD) a disorder that results in social discomfort and avoidance of interpersonal contact. It can not be healed, only treated, but can be lulled with medication. I was just born with this, like my ADHD.

Child Onset Fluency Disorder:(aka Stuttering/Stammering) a speach disorder that results in repeated or elongated syllables. Can be treated and cured, but mine has not been yet. I was born with it, so I did not “get” it.

Insomnia:the inability to sleep or difficulty staying asleep. Can not be cures, can be treated. This became a problem for me due to my stress, depression, and anxiety.

Manic Depression:(aka Bipolar Disorder) a severe state of depression that can result in Biploar and Bipolar II. Can not be cured, only can be treated. I have Bipolar II which is a less severe version of the Bipolar Disorder, I was diagnosed with it shorty after I was diagnosed with Actue Stress Disorder.

Nightmare Disorder:(aka Sleep Anxiety Disorder) the sleep disorder that causes multiple nightmares that usually contain traumatic experiences with the diagnosed person getting hurt or killed, may also contain loved ones getting hurt or killed in dreams. I was diagnosed with this before I was diagnosed with Insomnia, the doctors believe it came from the trauma I had experienced in the car accident and the multiple abusive foster homes I was in.

OCD:(aka Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) a disorder where the diagnosed person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts and behaviors that they feel the urge to repeat over and over. I was born with this, it affects me in ways of alphabatizing and color coding.

PTSD:(aka Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) a disorder that follows a taraumatic experience that can not be recovered from. Can be healed, but can take months to years. Doctors say it is from the abuse and car accident that I had experienced.

Schizophrenia:a disorder that causes the disconnection from reality, causing things from one's immagination to come into their everyday life (sounds, people, etc.) that aren't actually there. Can't be cured, but can be treated. I was born with this disorder, but it's affected me a lot more after my parent's death.

Tourette’s Syndrome:is a nerve disorder that causes repetititive movements or sounds. Can't be cured, but treatment can help. I was born with this, but it only effects me in minor twitches of my hands or nose.

So, now that you know, how do you feel about what you said? If you still feel the same way, I pray for your soul. I hope you recognise that you were completely out of line and need to step back into that queue as fast as you can, Love.

Even though you told me those things, I still wish you well. I hope you come to realise that you aren't living your life to it's best, you shouldn't say those things if you don't know everything. DM me if you ever want to talk about this, I don't bite. I would rather just have a civilized conversation with you than have to post this.

Warmly,

The "Messed Up" Kid, Kathryn

[littlehouseofkarlacade]

Another one of Karla’s discussions.

hello everyone. welcome back to your semi-frequent show: “karla talks way too much about things nobody cares about.”

today’s discussion: what it’s like living as an adult who was raised in an abusive blood family.

relevant tw: discussion of child abuse, discussion of suicidal ideation. mention of abortion.

it begins... under the cut!

i’m 27 years old. yep. 3 years away from 30. goddamn i’m old.

but.

there is a lot about being an adult that i know very little about. for instance, my credit score is not very good right now because i barely have any credit at all. i didn’t even know what credit was or how important it is until last year, when i learned from my girlfriend, so i’m working on building it up right now.

i don’t know how to drive. i don’t even have a learner’s permit. i was always forbidden from learning to drive, and once i hit 18, my severe lack of money/no one willing to teach me was the major factor in why i still don’t drive. my girlfriend does all the driving.

i’m working a soulless retail job, and i have worked in retail for the past five years. i have thoughts of a career, but i have no experience nor the relevant degrees people are looking for, so i have no way of getting into what i want to do.

why am i saying all of this?

it is because i never had the opportunity to learn about any of these things as a child, when my parents should have at least begun to educate me about these things before i was thrust into the world with no clue about what to do.

~~

Even before I came into this world (you can tell I’m serious now because proper capitalization) I was an unwanted child. My mother wanted an abortion, but because my father was heavily religious and very pro life, he was able to talk her out of it, therefore bringing me into the world. Now, I’m pro-choice myself; if someone wants/needs an abortion they should be fully able to get one, but we’re not talking pro-life vs pro-choice here. That’s a whole different discussion for another day.

My father has mental illnesses of his own. Later in life, I learned what at least some, if not all of them, are: paranoid schizophrenia, severe depression, and ADHD are the ones that I know about. There could be more, though I’m not sure. My mother has no diagnosed mental illnesses, though there may be some lurking within that nobody knows about, because she’s never seen a therapist that I’m aware of. I’m only mentioning this to highlight the differences between them, and why I don’t harbor as much resentment towards my father as I do my mother (though he has done things as well that should never be done to a child, and I don’t forgive him for any of it).

Now for some brief history:

They got divorced when I was 4 years old. He obtained full custody of both my younger sister and I, and my mother had to move somewhere else. Where, I have no idea, but we weren’t in contact with her after that. Over the years, he would go between taking his medication religiously and stopping taking it because he felt as if he didn’t need it anymore. Violence as a resort of paranoid schizophrenia is not really a thing; schizophrenics in general usually aren’t very violent, though of course there are always outliers. My father tended to be one of those outliers, especially during the times when he stopped taking his medication. My sister and I were both physically abused by him, though I took the brunt of it because she was the baby of the family, and therefore his favorite. However, his problem was more of child neglect: when he got too wrapped up in his paranoid delusions, he would forget things like doing the laundry, cleaning the house, making sure his children were fed, things like that. For a large majority of my childhood, we were both very underweight. He rarely took us to the doctor because he didn’t trust them; part of his delusions were that medical professionals were not to be trusted at all, for they could take us away and turn us in to the government for some reason that I never learned. He also did some sexual things that I won’t go into here, for the post isn’t about that.

When I was 7 years old, his worst fears came true by his own hand. He took both of us to the hospital, claiming there was something wrong with us, and wanting a diagnosis right then and there. A doctor examined us, and came back with that there was nothing wrong except us being incredibly underweight. My father didn’t like that answer, and kept badgering the workers there to give us a proper diagnosis, that he wouldn’t leave until we had one, etc. Then, he threatened that he had a bomb in his van, and he’d blow up the hospital with it if we didn’t receive a legitimate diagnosis.

That was clearly a mistake.

Everyone sprung into action. Police were called, he was taken into the psychiatric ward of the hospital, and my sister and I were separated from him. I still remember the last words he said before everything collapsed: “don’t eat anything they give you, it’s poisoned, they want to make you sick!”

Of course, I was 7 years old. My sister was 5. We were super hungry. When the police took us out of the hospital to the station, they got us Burger King, and of course we ate it. What kid is going to resist Burger King?

And, no, none of it was poisoned.

But basically, we went 5 months in foster care, I turned 8 in the meantime, we both managed to live in the same house during that time (the family was very kind and stated they wanted both of us to attempt to keep us together), and eventually a court case was started against my father. It turned into a 2-year-long custody battle between him and my mother, and I was basically being treated as an adult in order to answer some very adult questions. “Who do you want to live with more? Do you understand what’s happening? We need you to describe everything he did to you while you were in his custody. Was there a bomb in the van?”

Now, keep in mind: I was 8 years old. I didn’t understand most of the words these people used. I didn’t understand why this was such a big deal. I didn’t know who I wanted to live with. My father wasn’t the best, but I still loved him, and I hadn’t seen my mother in 4 years.

But in order to keep it short and really get to the point, we ended up in our mother’s custody, and our father was found guilty of child abuse and neglect, with also a charge of sexual abuse.

Our mother wasn’t much better.

Again, my younger sister was the favorite, so I got the brunt of the physical abuse. Physical I was used to, but what was new was the verbal abuse, and by extent emotional abuse. Listing off exactly what our mother did to me would make this post way too long, but I will say that it was bad. Very bad. Police were called on her a couple of times as well, but as she was friends with the sheriff, they never found anything, and I ended up paying for it.

I lived with her until I was 18.

At one point after I turned 18, I found myself in the hospital, for my heart was going crazy and nobody knew why. I never received a diagnosis or anything for that, because the doctors just attributed it to stress, and told me that as long as I didn’t put myself through too much stress I’d be fine. Well. Ha, ha, ha. With my mother, stress was a daily routine.

When I was released from the hospital, I came home, and she and her boyfriend soon after had a massive fight. Her boyfriend claimed that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that I only went to the hospital for attention, that I was a drama queen, etc etc etc. Then, he yelled at her that one of us was leaving, either him or me, and she had to pick one. Both of us couldn’t stay in the same house.

So, my mother storms into our room (I still shared a room with my sister at this point) and starts screaming at me. I ruined her relationship, I ruin everything good in her life, why do I always have to make everything about me, he’s right and I am a drama queen, I’m the worst daughter ever, I treat her like shit, just all of this. She screamed at me that I had until the end of January to leave her house, and she never wanted me to come back. (For context, this was when about a week of January was left.)

Of course, I jumped on that chance. I contacted one of my friends at the time, and that began a whole 2-3 years of couch surfing. I couldn’t get a job because I couldn’t find anywhere that would hire me with no driver’s license or work experience, and I kept switching houses where I would stay because majority of my friends still lived with their parents, and they didn’t want me staying at their places too long without a job and no way to pay for anything. Which I suppose makes sense; nobody wants a moocher in their house.

Regardless, I now live in New York with my absolutely loving girlfriend who I’d never replace literally ever.

Now, what’s the point of the post?

Well, now I’m an adult. I’ve been an adult for several years. I’ve had several jobs over the years. I have one now, though I’m looking for another one.

Things could be worse. I could have followed in my mother’s footsteps and become an abuser on my own, because that’s really all I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be like her, though; the thought scares me way too much (and is also a major reason as to why I never want children of my own). All in all, I think I turned out pretty okay.

But I have my own mental illnesses and issues.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 8. I have severe anxiety, especially medical anxiety. I have attachment issues. I can’t look people in the eye. I recoil from conflict, and do my best to hide when someone becomes angry. My response to my failures varies from sadness to anger to both. I’ve attempted suicide twice, and think about it much more than I should, even now. I feel that I have to be perfect at everything I do, otherwise I’m a worthless piece of shit who shouldn’t try to do anything. I’m constantly seeking approval for just being me.

I’m trying to go back to college, but I have no idea how to do that here. The thought of calling the college that I want to go to up though is terrifying; I hate using the phone, it activates my anxiety like nobody’s business.

When other children were happy and having friends and able to go out and hang out with those friends, I was busy trying to evade my mother, wondering if I would be beat up today, or if I’d even get anything to eat today.

While other teens would be excitedly talking about getting their driver’s permits and then their licenses, I would be too worried about whether I would even be allowed out of the house long enough to even think about driving. (Spoilers: I wasn’t, my mother refused to even attempt to teach me to drive because she was convinced I’d crash and total her car.)

I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything in life, but I also don’t feel like my goals are anything worth accomplishing. They’re nothing, or so my brain tells me. I can’t make money with them, or else I’d be doing so already, so they’re not worth doing.

My inferiority complex is massive.

Even though I’ve gone no contact with the majority of my blood family, I’m still terrified of my mother finding me somehow and pressuring me into having her in my life again.

I was discouraged from my dreams in music because of her. Now I don’t even have my instruments anymore. A little voice in my brain keeps telling me to stop writing, it’s a waste of time. But I push on and do that anyway because dammit, I like it.

I mean. I’ve got a perseverance like nothing else, but that’s about it.

And... yeah. Not much else to say here. But that’s a glimpse into what it’s like living as an adult from an abusive blood family. I have no one to turn to should things go bad in my life at some point, no one who I can get even a little touch of support from, no one to do what families are apparently supposed to do.

I’m alone in the world. I have been for years.

That’s all I really know now.

#karla talks way too much about things nobody cares about #child abuse mention tw #suicide mention tw #long post #abortion mention tw

[bittersot]

2019-06-01

Hello, my name is G̸̟̠̜͇̦̜͌̿͌͒̊͡͠h̖͈̬̫̲̆̋̈̇̌̂̕o͖͕̻̞̘̩͆̆̑̐̉̽͂̍̕ş̘̩̙̮̾̋͋̉́̌̉͘̚t̶̫̲͓̥̱̲̺͇̮͑̒̅̽̍̽̔̊̎, I am 18 years old, and I have ADHD.

When I was a child, I was a bit self centered, so to speak. It wasn't that I tried to be, I was just, a bit dense, very dense. I said what came to mind, I repeated what I heard others say without thinking much on the meaning, if it sounded nice and got stuck in my head, I'd use it, likely in the wrong way.

I was always quick to jump into conversations and share my experiences, not noticing if I cut someone off, but ai got pissed if someone interrupted me. Most people probably thought me annoying, but not everyone would say self-centered, because I didn't just talk about myself, I talked about EVERYTHING that excited me, and as a child, 99% of the world excited me. I knew tons about reptiles and dinosaurs, nature, animals and running around were some of the best things I knew. I was hungry for new information, I liked to do stuff physically, and I liked to read about different topics as well. I did it due to excitement however, and could rarely take a stance on topics, I only got mad if something inconvenienced me directly(notice that this includes something bad happening to my friends, because that meant we likely couldn't play as usually etc). I was not good with understanding people, I took things literally when most of my peers had moved further into "social skills", and I remember not knowing what a Bra was nor why I shouldn't take of my shirt when it was hot in the classroom. I don't know how they found out you shouldn't do that, but while I did get laughs and sighs directed at me, it didn't bother me, because that info didn't excite me. I was at the top of my grade, I got the most advanced books in literature, though since they had less pictures than in the others books, I didn't see it as a win. Taking in info en masse but without looking at it socially, I was marked as a bit of a weird kid, but people found me cool nonetheless. I prefered to hang out with boys, I enjoyed running around in the forest behind the school with sticks pretending we were agents or soldiers. I was friends with girls, for most of the time, however, some I lost contact with because I didn't "get" them. They weren't bad, a bit mean sometimes, but I just didn't get the fun in talking about fashion and "popular" things, perhaps because you needed to follow a certain trend, perhaps because we sat still a lot, but I wasn't drawn to them. I did have two other close girl friends, they were more into fantasy like me, but due to a certain cat related mishap, we split for a while, during which I went to hang out with the boys, and that stuck for a while.

I was also very, very, stubborn, to my own detriment. I would disagree over the most stupid things cause they didnt please me at the current moment, such as refusing to eat the meatloaf because it didn't look good, and getting the rest of my daycare class to do the same. It wasn't untul everyone was standing around waiting for naptime that the caretakers got me to take a bite, and I liked it, thought it tasted good. Don't know why I so passionately decided to shit on meatloaf on that day, but I got the rest of the class in on it, and stuck with it even when I was the only one left. During handball practice before a match with another group one time, I refused to shoot at the goal if it wasn't with "my ball", I think I remember thinking "Why am I doing this, why am I do stubborn?" In the middle of my protest, perhaps because my teammates were complaining about me loudly, but I didn't give up immediately, I couldn't.

I was also impulsive. God, so impulsive. I threw a stuffed animal at a teacher ones cause she was making a joke while dragging out the time until she'd give us results on a certain topic. I felt really embarrassed. The few seconds before it happened, I remember imagining it like a cartoony scene when everyone complained and things were thrown around in the background, so I launched away my plushie at her. I tended to hit and punch my friends as I grew older, in middle school I would jump some of my friends as a way of greeting them. I didnt think it through, it just felt right, I enjoyed the body contact and their complaints, somewhat, because they would still smile afterwards and hang out with me.

It was easy to make me cry. It didn't happen often, because I mostly thought about myself and other remarks didn't land unless I was engaged in a discussion of a topic of massive interest to me, or if something inconvenienced me. I lost a toy ones, a blue bakugan snake ball, and I cried. I cried and I cried and ALL the other girls in the class had to gather to comfort me as I lied on a couch unconsolable.

In high-school, it was the first time I was in a class where a majority of students were teens I didn't know previously. And these teens were not used to my antics. Whereas in my two previous schools, most kids were somewhat cool with me because "I had always been that way", in this new class, when I didn't stick to social rules or hit someone in a friendly manner(or so I thought) it was called out and focused on. Half because it was bad(and it was, I was impulsive and my hits likely hurt) but I feel like a few of them revelled in how weird I was, didn't try to bully me, but I remember hearing whispers behind my back, and the girls would laugh and treat me as a pet when I hung out with them.

I split during 7th grade. I don't remember exactly when, but the anxiety which had been planted somewhere around the end of middle school took root and thanks to RSD, it got a boost so bad it shut me down completely. I shut up, kept my hands to myself, my thoughts to myself, and my feelings to myself(what happened was not DiD, if DiD is like driving in a car and other personalities being able to take over the wheel, then what happend to me was that I previously always wore clothes for sunny days, and now after a terrible snowstorm put on winter clothes, and since they seemed to work, I refused to take them off, even subconciously). Old me did show up in the cracks of my new self when talking to the one friend I still had from my past, but due to reasons (which I have reason to believe was gaslighting, but then again we were kids, I think my RSD just made it worse, plus when she talked about me to others without asking me if she could (Young me found her to be way too loud and open about herself, no surprise considering what I was doing but I don't think she did anything bad)) I pushed her away through ignoring her more and more, in some way I thought I "set her free" to be with people as open and honest as herself, and we split paths when high school ended, not keeping up contact.

My new self, was very introspective, I had to be, everyone had focused on being able to define their identity for a while now, whereas I hadn't thought much of anything outside of the best thing in the moment. I looked inside myself, and found stress, fear, and emotional turmoil. I started to avoid classes and presentation where I was put on display for a lot of people, and taken to a therapist when my parents started to notice how I stayed home unusually often. This me became very good at observing and picking out faults in myself and others, not actual faults, but faults as society saw them. Despite my young self being dense, I wasn't immune to the information I picked up. I remember being told as a woman that I should focus on being hot and pleasant to men, and now when I didn't have my whims to take my focus off the subject, the misogyny around me caught up and that hurdle of imperfection sent me deeper into depression. Never wear your heart on your sleeve, I told myself, over and over, it was far too risky. I grew very depressed, having a hard time leaving bed most days, falling asleep as soon as I got home. I remember spending endless nights crying and crying. What kept me alive was Pokémon, Vocaloid, and the two friend groups I was blessed to have, while I fell out of touch with one due to getting to attached to a certain person and then realizing they thought of me as, something, I was left with the other group. Other group split, which didn't bother me because I was still with the person who motivated me the most, and she went into animation. I followed her, and thanks to her, I decided to go to an animation school. Rest is documented elsewhere, but after around my first year, I realized I didn't want to be an animator, but I am glad I took this route, because I am good with said subjects, and it felt like a chance to think what I truly want to do, and I have now decided I want to go into psychology. My troubles are far from over, my old self has broken free and is showing up more and more, not irl, I'm too afraid of that still, but I hope I can tame her, and be myself again, but with the experience and capabilities of thinking things through and enjoy reading the charades most people seem to put up.

What do I know? I quit sports(handball) in middle school cause the rest of the team were "normal" girls, neurotypical who liked to talk and joke about things those types of girls do(I hate that I can't express this any better), but I kept on dancing for a while, and I loved it, I still do. Dancing and working out till I can't move are some of the best ways to make me feel good, to get rid of that excess energy, especially dancing, but due to feeling that everyone was so much better than me, and my inability to leave the house on my own when I technically could just not move from my comfort zone, play more games and not go, I ended up quitting that as well. I wish to dance, workout, and do yoga again, preferably with someone, so the motivation is greater, if someone else is there, I can't just bail.

But, I'm 18 now, and due to reasons, I have been told I am not to trust, and I believe that, not because they are right, but because of what they have said, along with depression, my memory has started to deteriorate. I've always had a hard time remembering unless it is something I am extremely excited about, thus I have let a lot of people down when it comes to birthdays and arriving on time, so I wanted to write down what I can remember as of now, when I left my childhood barely a month ago. Everything will be gone soon, but I do believe that what I have written here isn't made up, this is who I am, and who I was.

Final note, I had an unspeakable amount of imaginary friends throughout my entire childhood, human, humanoid, animalistic and monsterous, Pokémon and other fantasy beings. I still have many imaginary friends, I wouldn't be able to keep together without them, thanks to them I developed the Superiority Complex which got me out of the deepest parts of my depression, and now they are helping me drop said complex. It is silly, but due to, everything, I can't trust anyone outside of myself. I still can't, but I wish to change that, I need to.

#ghost #journal #I ended up writing this because it is pride and I thought about hoe my bisexuality is connected to the rest of my identity #didnt manage to cover that in this. but I wouldn't be bisexual and see through social norms as clearly if it wasnt for my adhd #'holding me back' from falling headfirst into the fuck of a society we live in #hapy pride